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etherealwaifgoddess · 4 years

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One In A Million - Chpt.10

Summary: Now that you’ve made up your mind to stay, you can finally start planning out your future with the guys.

Word Count: 3.8k

Author’s Note: Hello lovelies! This is it, the last chapter! I feel like it’s gone so fast but here we are. The epilogue will be going up next so stay tuned. XOXO - Ash

Chapter Ten

Now that you’ve made up your mind to stay, your job in the typing pool seems just a little more mundane. It was fine for the interim while you were just biding time before going back, but now you can’t possibly see yourself doing this for the next forty years. The only problem is, you don’t have your degree in this time and you most likely won’t be able to get a job in a lab even if you did. Money isn’t a problem compliments of your supposed Sparrow status with the SSR but you don’t want to live off of that forever. You want to do something, anything, to keep busy. You’re daydreaming, walking the quiet early morning streets of Brooklyn when it comes to you. Or rather, you come to it.

Science was your first love and always would be, but your second love was books. When you stumble across the public library you can’t help but go inside. Public libraries are the same no matter what decade you’re in. The long, tall rows of books, the musty scent of paper thick in the air, children and adults alike lost in their reading. It’s comforting and reminds you of your childhood. You approach the harried looking girl at the main desk with a smile. “Excuse me. Hi. I’d like to get a library card, please.” you tell her.

The girl looks up through thick rimmed glasses with a smile of her own. “Sure, I just need you to fill out this slip and I’ll get you set up.” she hands you a three by five card for your name and address and you scrawl your information down for her. It dawns on you that you’ll never get to use your real name again. You’ll forever be Rose Rogers now and while there’s a small pang of loss for your old name, you could do a lot worse than being Mrs. Rogers. Handing your card back to the girl she files it quickly into the rolodex that houses everyone’s information. You stifle your laugh at how archaic it seems compared to the ease of saving information on a computer.

The girl hands you a card with your name filled out on it and yawns loudly before she can get out a tired, “Here you go.”

“Long day?” you ask sympathetically.

“The longest. Doreen had her baby and now she’s not coming back so we’re all working doubles trying to pick up the slack. We don’t even have anyone for the children's story time tomorrow now. It’s a mess.”

“Are you looking to replace her? I used to volunteer at the library in school so I’m familiar with the Dewey Decimal System. I moved here not too long ago and I’m looking for work.”

“Really? That would be amazing. Can you come back tomorrow to meet with Mr. Cooper? He runs the place and will be the one who has final say, but if you know what the Dewey Decimal is I’m sure he’ll take you. Most girls coming in take forever to train.”

“Sure, what time?”

The girl, whose name you learn is Lorna, checks the calendar in the back and then gives you a time frame to stop by in. She promises to give her boss a heads up that you’re coming in so hopefully he’s expecting you. Lorna jokes that she’ll put in a good word for you too since you seem a heck of a lot nicer than Doreen ever was.

You want to tell the guys about your potential new job but also don’t want to jinx anything. Your supervisor at the SSR is kind and lets you take an early lunch for a “doctor’s appointment” so that you can run across town to meet Mr. Cooper at the library. After you explain your experience, you really did volunteer at your high school’s library, he hires you on the spot, offering for you to start the following week. You feel guilty going back to the office to put in your notice and wonder if this means the bank account you were given will be retracted when you quit. There’s a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you wonder if your new job will pay enough to keep you afloat the way you have been. It’ll be tighter for sure but you do the math quickly in your head and think it should all work out.

You pop into Agent Wilson’s office when you get back to the office, wanting to rip the band-aid off rather than worrying about what if’s.

“Rose, good to see you again.” Wilson stands to greet you as you step into his office.

“You as well, Agent Wilson.” you reply shaking his hand.

“And to what do I owe this visit? Is the reception pool treating you well?”

“Very well sir, thank you. But about that actually. I’ve found another job that’s more aligned with my career goals. I’ve been given the opportunity to be a librarian and it’s closer to where my husband and I moved. I know I was set up here due to my… status, but I’ll be staying in Brooklyn and would like to set up a real life here. I understand if you’ll need the funds back from the account I was given and I have a personal check here so you can access and close the account. I haven’t used all that much so far.”

“Rose, Rose, slow down a minute. The SSR takes care of its assets even when they choose to leave the life. You were never obligated to stay here after declaring Sparrow protocol. The account is yours, we cut ties to the funds as soon as identities are handed out, we have no desire to take that security from you. I’m happy for you, that you’ve made a life here. Most girls don’t re-acclimate as easily and it’s a blessing when they do. I hope you’ll stop by from time to time to say hello.”

“I will, thank you sir. Truly, thank you.”

“It’s no trouble at all. Just let Marge know you’re moving on, she’ll understand. And take care of yourself.”

“Thank you, you too.” You shake Agent Wilson’s hand once again and head out into the more brightly lit main office.

Marge and the girls are sad to see you go and you offer to stay on until the end of the week so as not to leave them in the lurch. Marge insists you’re free to go whenever but the girls plan a goodbye party for you for Friday.

Steve is home when you get back, Bucky will be along in another hour but you can’t wait to share your good news. Steve is over the moon for you, though he does admit he wishes you had told them you weren’t happy in the typing pool. They would have encouraged you to find something new sooner like you and Bucky had done for him when he took the job at the paper. Never one to miss an opportunity to celebrate, Steve goes down the block under the guise of getting a loaf of bread to go with dinner. He comes back with bread and glossy chocolate cake, Congratulations written in cursive on top in bright white lettering. You’re kissing Steve and giggling when Bucky finally comes home, tired and worn out from his day.

“What’s all this then?” he asks, setting his coat on the hook by the door.

“Our girl has some really great news, Buck.” Steve tells him, a hand still around your waist.

You hold the cake up to show him the writing on top with a smile.

Bucky’s face crumples, shock and hope and awe flickering across it as he crosses the room to the two of you. You can’t figure out what has him so moved until he presses his rough palms against your belly. “Rose?” he croaks through a tight throat.

“Oh!” you gasp, realizing what he was thinking. “No, no, not that. I’m sorry for scaring you. We probably should have been clear right off the bat. I got a new job. I’m going to be a librarian starting next week.”

The light in Bucky’s eyes dims for a second before he can rally himself to be excited for you. “That’s wonderful, darlin’. I’m so proud of you. I always thought you were too smart to be sitting around in a typing pool anyway.”

“Thanks, baby. Dinner is almost ready, why don’t you go wash up?”

Bucky gives you a smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes and heads off to the bedroom to change.

You look to Steve who looks as thrown off as you are. “He’ll be okay.” Steve assures you, giving you a quick hug, “Let’s go finish up.” he takes your hand and leads you back to the kitchen where you fall back into an easy rhythm preparing dinner for the three of you.

The celebratory air of dinner is somehow dimmed by Bucky’s reaction to your news. You had never really put much thought into a family of your own. It makes sense that Bucky would want one, he came from a large, loving family after all. And in this era, men are taught to aspire to having a wife and family of their own. Your birth control shot was up to date when you left but it should have run out a month or two ago. Now that you’re thinking about it, it’s sheer luck that you aren’t pregnant by now and you make a mental note to be more careful going forward. You can’t exactly get a Depo booster in the ‘40s and the birth control pill won’t even be invented for another eight years. You’ll just have to time your cycle and be careful going forward. Unless. Unless you don’t want to be. Images of a little boy with floppy blonde hair and bright blue eyes comes to mind, followed by a little girl with chestnut curls and wide grey-blue eyes. You could have that, if you wanted. If they wanted. You’d never thought to ask until now, and now that you have, the questions are burning bright in your chest.

The three of you are sitting in the living room when you finally can’t stand it anymore. “We need to talk about this.” you announce, setting down your book. Steve looks up from his sketch pad, startled.

“I’m sorry, darlin’.” Bucky sighs setting aside his crossword puzzle. “It was your big night and I’ve ruined it by bein’ dumb.”

“You’ve done no such thing.” you scold him lightly, “But your face when you thought. Well. When you thought I was pregnant. Baby, is that something you want? Because if it is, we have to talk about this.”

“It’s not right for me to ask you to-”

“James Buchanan Barnes.” you cut him off, “We are all adults here. You are not asking me for a damn thing. We need to be able to talk about what we want, all of us. That includes you, Steve. If we all want the same thing then great, if we don’t then we need to talk it out and come to an agreement. Now, let’s start over. Bucky, do you want to have a baby with me?”

Bucky’s jaw drops, stunned by your outburst and the frankness of which you’re talking about things. “God,” he sighs, raking a hand through his hair, “Of course I do. The idea of seeing you all full up with a baby, our baby. It kills me, darlin’. I’d have as many little chubby babies runnin’ around here as we could stand. Maybe a few little bratty blonde ones too.” he gives Steve a smirk and Steve visibly pales.

“Stevie, honey, what’s wrong?” you ask, worried.

“No, I can’t. I won’t. You know how often I get sick and how bad it can get. Believe it or not, it was worse when I was a kid. I was on death’s door more times than I can count. Nothing about my body has ever worked the way it should, why would I want to put some poor kid through all that too? Of course I want a little baby with your eyes and my smile, but what kind of life am I setting it up for when it’s half me? I couldn’t bear it.”

“Stevie, no.” Bucky croaks, rushing over to him and lifting him off of his chair. Bucky slides into his seat, pulling Steve onto his lap so he can hold him tightly, tears shining bright in his eyes. “You would be the most amazing papa to any kid. And our girl is strong, who says your kids would have even one of the problems you had? They might be all her and only get your sass. We can’t know for sure.”

“He’s right.” you chime in, “We wouldn’t know for sure if a baby of ours would have your health issues. And even if they did, medicine is getting better every day. They wouldn’t necessarily have such a rough time even if they did have issues. Be honest, honey. Do you want a baby with me?”

Steve thinks for a long moment, giving into the warmth radiating from Bucky. “I don’t think I need it to be my own. I want a baby with you, but if it’s Bucky’s I’d be just as happy if it were my own. And then we wouldn’t have to worry about it being sick like me.”

“You’re always so worried about us, what about you?” Bucky asks you.

“I never really thought I’d have a family but I think I want one now, with you two. Not saying right now. I’d like to hold off a little while so we can enjoy it just being the three of us for a bit, but someday. Yeah. It might be nice to have a few little kids running around.”

“Let’s give it a year.” Steve suggests, “We’ll take the time to get you settled at your new job and start saving up. Maybe take a vacation too while it’s just us. Then next year we can decide if we want to try or hold off. I’ll go with you to the doctor’s if you want one of those diaphragms. Or me and Buck could start buying rubbers. Whatever you want. We probably should’a thought of this sooner.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t thinking about it either. Condoms are easier and I can track things so we’d only have to use them when I’m fertile.”

“Whatever you want, doll.” Steve assures you, getting up from his spot on Bucky’s lap and joining you on the sofa to pull you in for a long hug.

“All I want is you. Both of you.” you whisper against his neck.

Bucky is silent as a ghost as he slips in on your other side so you’re sandwiched between your guys. You can’t help but be relieved that the conversation was easier than you expected. It’s hard to believe Steve is so fearful of his DNA being passed along but it makes sense after everything he’s battled in his life. Maybe someday he’ll change his mind but you’re not going to push him.

Leaving the girls at the typing pool is bittersweet. You exchange addresses and phone numbers so you can stay in touch and promise to host a girl’s night as soon as you can. You’re surprised to realize that you really had made a few good friends at the SSR and that you’ll miss the community of your little group.

Your first day of work at the library proves to be easier than you expected. A grey haired woman named Agnes gives you a tour before training you on the rolodex and their filing system. It’s more complicated than scanning things into a computerized system but at least it’s easy to understand. Checking in and out books takes a few minutes of finding people’s cards and logging their books, stamping each with a due date before handing them back. No one seems to mind though, happily chatting with you while you log their books. Agnes explains that Doreen, who apparently no one will miss, used to lead the children’s story time on Monday mornings. Agnes claims her arthritis acts up making it hard to hold the books up for too long so you’re given the task going forward. You can’t really complain, the children are eager and sweet, cheering when you do funny voices and build suspense.

By the end of the day you’re already planning improvements for the library. You’ve caught on quickly and couldn’t help but notice a few improvements that would help. You worry about rocking the boat, being so new, but Agnes encourages you to have at it. She claims they haven’t changed a thing since Grover Cleveland was in office. You spend your first week making small adjustments to make everyone’s lives easier. It’s not too much, just rearranging the main desk a little, decorating the children’s area to make it more cheery, setting out books to feature on the end caps of isles to draw people in.

Your second week you decide to start deep cleaning. There’s always two of you there at the same time and the other women, most of them closer to Agnes’ age than yours, are content to sit behind the desk all day while you put books back and tidy up. You run around one Tuesday afternoon with a duster, going over every surface in the whole library. The next morning you attack the tall windows with newspapers and ammonia. You pick up a bottle of Murphy’s oil at the corner drug store and spend two days rubbing down every bit of wood in the place. By the end of that week you’re exhausted but happy and the library has never looked better. The other girls are still chattering the next week about much better it looks and how even the patrons are commenting. Mr. Cooper is apparently fretting that you’re too good for them and won’t last long there. You assure them you’re happy and plan on being there for the long haul.

Steve and Bucky both notice a difference in you when you come home tired and sweaty at night. Bucky jokes they could use you down at the docks with how hard you work. They both comment on how much happier you seem and you agree with them. Working with books is much more fulfilling than typing all day. You want to expand their children’s program to twice a week, story time on Mondays and a craft time on Thursdays. You spend your free time at work putting together a plan to present to Mr. Cooper for permission. The library as it is now is nice, but it could be so much more. You want it to be a haven for the community, the way yours was growing up. You could coordinate study nights with the local schools and host literacy nights for adults who never had a chance to learn. Bucky and Steve listen as you ramble about the plans you have and exchange knowing smiles. You’re happier now than they’ve ever seen you and it seems your career change was exactly what you needed to really thrive. And you are thriving now, shockingly more than you think you ever did in modern times. You’ve found your place back time with your guys and your community.

By the time your jump point comes it’s easier than you expected to write the letter to your team. You tell them you’ve found happiness, a new career, and a love that triumphs all. You apologize for disrupting the timeline and explain that you’re certain there’s not steering it back on course. The slight over shooting of the jump date and your suggestions on what adjustments are needed to make the calibrations more precise are included as well. You make a list of everything you think might be useful for the research and let them know where the rest of your notes are kept in your desk. You don’t know what will be helpful to them and if they can’t have you, they can at least have your notes. You whip up a batch of brownies for the typing pool girls, an easy ploy to gain access to the inside of the SSR office so you can get downstairs in time. It’s with a guilty conscience that you chase a mouse around the trash bin out back, needing something to put the note and brooch on. You fashion the poor little field mouse a bow out of one of your ribbons, clipping the brooch to the back and the folded up letter as well. Thankfully the poor thing is too frightened to put up much of a fight and you stash the little guy in your pocketbook.

The girls at the typing pool are thrilled to see you when you show up with the pan of brownies. The container is quickly emptied and you beg off to go wash it and say hello to one of the receptionists before leaving. You have six minutes to get set up. Quietly as you can, you slip down to the basement, setting up your jump point and counting down softly to the poor little mouse who’s trembling in your hand. You adjust it’s bow, note, and brooch one last time before sitting it down and activating the transport. The gemstone on the brooch flashes, once, twice, and a third time, the mouse holding blessedly still out of fright. You’re scarcely able to breathe until the white glow starts up and in a bright flash the mouse is gone. A few tears slip out despite yourself, silently wishing the little mouse well in the 21st century. You hope your team carries on their work and goes on to do even more great things. A part of you will always miss them but you know you’re where you’re meant to be.

You wipe your eyes, sniffling back the rest of your tears, and head back upstairs to say goodbye to the girls before you have to get to work across town at the library. It’s craft day for the kids and you’re going to be teaching them how to make hand print flowers. The craft is certain to be messy, creative, and loads of fun.

The bright early summer sun blinds you as you step outside onto the bustling city sidewalk and it hits you. This is your life now. There is no last chance to take it back anymore. You are permanently living in this time with your guys, and your job, and your new friends. You take a deep breath of balmy city air and know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tag list! @wolfarrowepz

#one in a million #steve rogers #bucky barnes #reader insert #stucky #steve rogers x bucky barnes x reader #named reader #captain america #preserum steve rogers #steve rogers fanfic #captain america fanfic #bucky barnes fanfic #marvel #marvel fanfic #time travel #1940s setting

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suika28 · 4 years

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Recent situation

Long time no see. I want to use my poor english murmur again. hope you don’t mind. XD

First of all, I know that I haven't released art for a while. I'm still creating, but mainly based on original art. There are also some fanart in progress, which will be posted when I finish. btw I use Twitter account to post my art or fanart too, but I have been retweeting current affairs recently. lol

And I was unemployed because of the damn Wuhan pneumonia (aka covid-19). (I'm considering whether to open a commission.)

Then I want to talk about something more serious.

This Wuhan pneumonia (aka covid-19) showed signs as early as December 2019. At that time, there was news that unknown pneumonia was spreading in China. Taiwan began to be alert and warned the WHO. (Just in case someone doesn’t know that Taiwan and China are two different countries, but they have always wanted to invade us, claiming that we are part of China.)

Why is Taiwan alerting so quickly?

Because of the disaster that occurred 17 years ago, SARS outbreak, brought us too much pain. (I attach WIKI link here, you’re welcome.)

Taiwan is too close to China and has frequent contacts. The risk of infection is greater than in other countries. During that disaster, Taiwan lost many precious lives, including some medical personnel.

I will never forget that two hospitals in Taipei were blocked at that time, my cousin was a nurse in one of those hospitals, and one of her pregnant co-worker was infected with SARS and died. (Yes, she and the baby are both dead.) She is a good friend of my cousin and we used to hang out together.

At that time, WHO refused to allow Taiwan to join the WHO and WHA because of China interference. The China representative even humiliated us. When our reporter asked "Do you hear the needs of 23 million people in Taiwan?", he replied: "WHO refused it long ago. Who cares about you. (早就給拒絕了。誰理你們。)"

We have been suppressed by China and WHO for many years.

Our rapid response comes from our pain. We learn and build systems to prevent such disasters from happening again.

Now, we did everything we could. And we want to do our best to help the world, even if we are not a member of the WHO. All for one and one for all.

Like, we know that medical masks are good protective products, so we banned exports at the end of January and strived to increase production until it was sufficient for the whole country. (Now we can donate 10 million medical masks to medical staff in countries around the world! maybe more! yay)

Taiwan is well aware that this war against disease requires everyone to work together to win. So, we also cooperate with the US government. (our medical, academic research and development are excellent.)

research and development of rapid tests

research and production of vaccines, medicines

contact tracing techniques and technology

joint conferences by scientists and experts

cooperation and exchanges of medical supplies and equipmen

#TaiwanCanHelp Awesome, right?

But the China government has been spreading fake news online and around the world.

I know you are not East Asians, and it may be difficult to understand what is happening in Asia, what the China government has done. But I hope you do not trust the China government and WHO too much. Because of China government, WHO has been reluctant to respond quickly, causing the Wuhan pneumonia epidemic worldwide. Not only did they let WHO deceive the world, they also used their overseas forces to discredit Taiwan’s efforts.

As you see, WHO's Dr.Tedros claimed that Taiwan began attacking him 3 months ago. No, we don't! Three months ago, Taiwan was holding a presidential election, and we were busy talking about politics. Many people didn't even know who he was at that time.

When WHO helped the China government to cover up the epidemic, and Taiwanese people began to criticize him and WHO. I believe there are many people in the world who criticize him and WHO when the epidemic spreads.

I can’t deny that some people in Taiwan have used N-word to criticize Dr.Tedros recently, but that’s just a personal act. Like, Asians in the United States have been attacked because they were mistaken for Chinese, do you also think that Americans are all racially discriminators? I don’t think so. There are such idiots all over the world, but everyone knows it can’t represent the whole country.

I was sad when I saw many celebrities supporting WHO, especially Hollywood. If you really care, you should have a comprehensive understanding, not because you hate Trump, so you should support him who he opposed. Trump may not quick enough to respond to infectious diseases, and he wanted to cut the budget of CDC related units. Those can certainly be criticized, but this does not mean that WHO can support it. Can't you see WHO helping cover the epidemic? The world does not work this way, it is not dualistic.

Anyway, I hope everyone can survive the epidemic safely. And support the right thing. Make the world better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my murmur. love ya.

#murmur #taiwancanhelp #covid-19 #Wuhan pneumonia

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fourteenaway · 3 years

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A Tragic Prologue | The Story of Cary / Part I

tw: abuse, rape, domestic violence, infidelity, pregnancy.

Exactly five years and three months had passed since Caren had married Leeland, and it’d taken that long for them to finally have something that resembled a real vacation. Five years and three months and still she often felt as if Leeland was a stranger to her.

Madame Ephron had been the one to suggest that they take a break, go to Barcelona, they deserved it. Or rather she thought perhaps that Leeland needed it to get back in true form.

It was here that Daniel’s graduation invitation from med-school finally found her in a little villa they’d taken up in for the weeks they’d be here. She knew it instantly when she spotted the thick envelope, her heart jumping at the announcement of Daniel’s achievement of his medical degree. How proud she felt knowing he’d done it, completed college and then medical school in seven years what took most at least eight.

When she opened it she found not only a formal announcement but a note from Daniel, written in his handwriting that was far better than any other doctors unreadable scrawl:

Dear Caren,

I am embarrassed to tell you this, but I am the top graduate in a class of two hundred. So don't you dare try and find an excuse to keep away. You have to be there to bask in the glow of my excitement, as I bask in the radiance of your admiration. I cannot possibly accept my M.D. if you aren't there to see. And you can tell Leeland this when he tries to prevent your coming.

Your dearest,

Daniel

Caren smiled glowing from cheek to cheek at his excitement and good humor. The only bothersome thing about this was that she and Leeland had signed a contract some time ago to tape a TV production of Giselle. It was set for June, but now in May, they wanted them both. Both of them were sure the television exposure would make them the stars they'd strived so long to be.

It had seemed a perfect time to approach Leeland with the news. They’d returned to their villa after touring old castles. So as soon as their evening meal was over and the pair had sat out on the terrace sipping glasses of a red wine, she knew he was nuts about, but gave her a headache. Only then did she dare to timidly approach going back to the States in time fo Daniel’s May graduation.

“Really, we do have the time to fly there and be back in plenty of time to go into rehearsal for Giselle," she tried.

"Oh, come off it, Caren!” Leeland said impatiently. “It's a difficult role for you, and you'll be tired, and you'll need to rest up."

“Two weeks was plenty of time ... and a TV taping doesn’t take too long. Please, darling, let's go. I'd be sick not to see Daniel become a doctor, just as you'd be if your friend was reaching the goal he'd strived for year after year,” Caren tried again.

"Hell, no!" Leeland flared, narrowing his dark eyes and shooting sparks her way. “I get so damned sick and tired of hearing Daniel this, and Daniel that, and if it isn't his name you drum in my ears, then it's his brother, William this and that! You are not going!"

Caren pleaded with him to be reasonable, “He's only like a brother to me,” she lied slightly, “it just means his graduation day is nearly as important to me as it is to him. You can't understand how much this means not only to him, but to me as well! You think he and I lived lives of luxury compared to yours, just because we were adopted by the Derricks, but you can rest assured, it was no picnic!"

"Your past is something you don't talk about to me," he snapped back. “It's exactly as if you were born the day you found your precious Dr. William! Caren, you are my wife now, and your place is with me. Your William has Cassidy, and they'll be there, so Daniel won't lack applause when he gets that damned M.D.!"

"You can't tell me what I can do and what I can't do! I'm your wife, not your slave!"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said, standing and seizing hold of my arm. "C'mon, let's hit the sack. I'm tired.”

Without speaking Caren allowed him to tug her into the bedroom where she began to undress. But he came over to help, and in this way she was informed it was to be a night of love, or rather sex.

But she shoved his hands away.

Scowling, he put them back on her shoulders and leaned to nibble on her neck; he fondled her breasts before he reached to unhook her bra. Caren hissed and slapped his hands away, before screaming, “No!”

But he persisted in taking off her bra, finding it as easy as a mask to take off, he threw away his anger and put on his dreamy-eyed romantic look.

Caren supposed there had been a time when Leeland had appeared to her the epitome of everything sophisticated, worldly, elegant, but compared to the way he was now, since his father's death, he'd been only a country-bumpkin.

There were times she actually detested him. This was such a time.

"I am going, Leeland You may come with me, or you may meet me in New York after I fly back from the graduation ceremony. Or you can stay on here and sulk. Whatever, I am going. I want you to come with me and share in the family celebration, for you never share in anything-you hold me back, so I don't share either-but this time you can't stop me! It's too important!" Caren told him sternly.

Quietly he listened and he smiled in a way that sent chills down her spine. Oh, how wicked he could look.

“Hear this, beloved wife, when you married me, I became your ruler, and by my side you will stay until I kick you out. And I'm not yet ready to do that. You are not leaving me alone in Spain when I don't speak Spanish. Maybe you can learn from records, but I can't,” he spoke coldly.

"Don't threaten me, Leeland,” Caren said coolly, though she backed off and felt a terrible pounding of panic. “Without me you don't have anyone who cares, except your mother, and since you don't care for her, who have you got left?"

Lightly he reached out to slap both her cheeks. She closed her eyes, resigned to accept anything he did, as long as she could go to Daniel. She allowed him to undress her and do what he would, even though he clutched her buttocks so hard they hurt. For she could, when she chose, withdraw until she was outside of herself, looking on, and what he did to me So that what was appalling didn't really matter-for she wasn't truthfully there-unless the pain was great-as sometimes it was.

“Don't try and sneak away," he warned, his words muffled because he was kissing everywhere, teasing her like a cat who plays with a mouse when it's not hungry. "Swear on your word of honor that you will stay and miss your dearly beloved Daniel’s graduation and stay with husband who needs you, who adores you, who can't live without you," he demanded.

She knew he was mocking her, though his need for her was that of a child needing his mother. For that was what she had become. His mother, in everything but sex. She had to choose his suits, his socks and shirts, his costumes, his practice outfits, though he consistently refused to let her handle the household accounts.

"I will not swear to anything so unfair. Daniel has come to see you perform and you have gloried in showing off to him. Now let him have his turn. He's worked hard for it," she insisted.

Caren pulled free from him then, and strolled to pick up a black lace nightgown he liked her to wear even though she hated black nightgowns and underwear. They reminded her of whores and call girls but also her mother who'd had a fancy for black lingerie.

"Get up off your knees, Leeland. You look ludicrous. You can't do anything to me if I choose to go. A bruise would show, and besides, you've grown so accustomed to my weight and balance you can't even lift another dancer properly,” she spoke chillingly though she thought, truthfully.

He came at her angrily then, shouting, "You're mad because we haven't made it to the top, aren't you? You're blaming me because our booking was canceled. And now Madame Ephron has given us a leave so I can sober up and come back refreshed, made wholesome by playing games with my wife. Caren, I don't know how to entertain myself except by dancing; I'm not interested in books or museums like you are, and there are ways of hurting and humiliating you that won't leave any bruises-except on your ego-and you should know that by now."

Foolishly she smiled, when she should have known better than to challenge him when he was feeling less than confident. “What's the matter, Lee? Didn't your sex break satisfy your lust for perversion? Why don't you go out and find a schoolgirl, for I'm not going to cooperate."

She'd never before thrown in his face that I knew about his debaucheries with younger women.

It had hurt at first when she found out, but now she knew he used those girls like he used paper napkins, to casually toss away when soiled, and back he'd come to her, to say he loved her, needed her, and she was the only one.

Slowly he advanced, using his pantherlike stalk that told her he would be ruthless, but still she held her head high, knowing she could escape by shutting off her mind, and he couldn't afford to hit her.

He paused one foot away as she heard the clock on the nightstand ticking in the silence.

"Caren, you will do as I say if you know what's good for you," he warned.

He was cruel that night, evil and spiteful; forcing upon her what should only be given in love. He dared her to bite. And this time she wouldn't have just one black eye, but two, and maybe worse.

“And I'll tell everybody you are sick. That your period has you so badly cramped you can't dance, so you won't skip out on me, or make any phone calls, for I'll bind you to the bed and hide your passport,” he told her as he took.

He grinned and slapped her face lightly when he finished before whispering, "Now, honey-chile, whatcha gonna do this time?” He asked reverting into the southern drawl he’d grown up on.

The next morning, smiling and himself again, Leeland sauntered naked to the breakfast table, and flung himself down, sprawled out his long, beautifully shaped legs and asked casually, "What's for breakfast?"

He held out his arms so Caren could come and kiss his lips, which she did. She faked a smile and brushed a lock of dangling hair from his forehead, and poured his coffee, and then said, "Good morning, darling. Same old breakfast for you. Fried eggs and fried ham. I'm having a cheese omelet."

Assured by her tone that all was past he sighed, “"I'm sorry, Caren," he murmured. “Why do you try to bring out the worst in me? I only use those girls to spare you."

"If they don't mind, then I don't mind... but don't ever force me to do what I did last night. I'm very good at hating, Leeland. Just as good as you are at forcing. And at harboring revenge I'm an expert!" She warned him.

She slid onto his plate two fried eggs and two slices of ham. No toast and no butter. Both of them ate in silence. He sat across the checkered red and white tablecloth, closely shaven, clean and smelling of soap and shaving lotion. In his own dark and light exotic way he was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen.

"Caren ... you haven't said you love me today," he said eventually.

"I love you, Leeland," she replied.

An hour after breakfast,and she was now madly searching every room to find her passport, while Leeland slept on the bed, where she'd dragged him from the kitchen after he fell asleep from all the sedatives she'd dumped in his coffee.

He wasn't nearly as good at hiding as she was at finding. Under the bed, and under the blue rug, she found her passport. Quickly she threw clothes into her suitcases. When she was packed, dressed and ready to go, she leaned above him and kissed him good-bye.

He was breathing deep and regularly, and smiling slightly; perhaps the drugs were giving him pleasant dreams. Though she'd drugged him, she hesitated, wondering if she'd done the right thing.

Shrugging off her indecision, she headed toward the garage. Yes, she did what she had to do. If he were awake now, he'd have buried himself into her side all through the day, with her passport in his pocket. Besides she'd left a note telling him where she was going.

When she arrived at the airport William was waiting for her and after hugging him briefly she asked, “Did Daniel get my message? He does know I'm coming right?"

"Oh, indeed. He was fretting through every moment, afraid Leeland would refuse to let you leave him, and knowing Leeland wouldn't come. Honestly, Caren, if you hadn't shown up, I don't think Daniel would accept his degree," he said with an appraising look in his eyes.

To sit beside William and Cassidy, and watch her Daniel stride down the aisle and up the steps to accept his diploma, and then stand behind the podium and make the valedictory speech, put tears in her eyes and a swelling happiness in her heart.

He did it so beautifully she cried. William and Cassidy also had tears to shed. Even Caren’s success on stage couldn't compare to the pride she felt now. And Leeland, he should be here too, making himself a part of her family and not stubbornly resisting all the time.

When she looked back at the stage though, and saw Daniel up there, ready to step behind the podium though, it all slipped away.

She didn't know how he managed to find her in the crowd, but somehow he did. Their gazes met and locked, and across all the heads of those who sat between them, they met in silent communication they always had and shared an overwhelming jubilation! For they'd done it! Both of them. Reached their goals; become what they'd set out to be when they were children. The dreams they’d shared to each other when they were both young and feeling unwanted and undeserving of the love the Derrick’s had both given them. And watching Daniel, Caren believed she could see his whole life.

She saw him swinging a bat when he was ten to smash a ball over the fence, only for him to run like mad to touch all bases in the quickest possible time, when he could have walked and made his home run. But that wasn't his way, to make it look too easy.

She saw him that first day when she’d showed up on the Derrick’s doorstep only a few years after he had, scared and untrusting of everyone as she clutched her younger sister to her chest. She saw that encouraging smile on his face that gave her hope when there was none.

She saw him racing on his bike yards ahead of her, then slowing down deliberately so she could catch up and they'd both reach William’s office at the same time and then locking up the bike for her.

The ceremony ended with a huge luncheon planned by the university in celebration. At the table Cassidy babbled away, but Caren and Daniel could only stare at each other, each of them trying to find the right words to say.

Suddenly Daniel frowned and asked why Leeland hadn’t come.

"He wanted to come, Daniel, really he did," Caren lied, “But he has obligations that keep him so busy he couldn't spare the time. He asked me to give you his congratulations. We do have very tight schedules. Actually, I can only stay two days. We're going to do a TV production of Giselle next month," she reasoned to him.

When everyone had gone and they were back at William’s house, alone on the veranda Daniel sighed and said, “Caren, he didn't want you to come to my graduation, did he?”

Caren remained silent in her answer and Daniel shook his head and said, “He’s going to ruin your careers. I warned you not to let him be your manager. Madame Ephron would have treated you more fairly. She loves you."

Caren began to pace the porch. Her original contract with Madame Ephron. had expired two years ago, and all she owed her now was twelve performances a year. The rest of the time, Leeland and her were freelance, and could dance with whichever company they liked.

Now everything was falling apart.

Everything was made worse by the fact that she had made a secret trip to the gynecologist the day before. Two missed periods didn't really mean anything for a woman like her, who was so irregular. She might not be pregnant, she thought. It might be just another false alarm ... but something about this time felt different.

If it wasn't a false alarm, she prayed she'd have the strength to go through with an abortion. She didn't need a baby in her life. For she knew once she had a child, he or she would become the center of her world, and love would again spoil a ballerina who could have been the best.

Ballet music was in her head when she drove Daniel's car to visit Leeland’s mother, Madame Milena one hot spring day when all the world seemed sleepy and lazy except for those poor children being instructed by a shrill little bat wearing black, as always.

Caren sat in the shadows near the far wall of a huge auditorium and watched the large class of boys and girls dance. It was scary to think of how soon those girls would grow up to replace the stars of the present. Then she too would become another Madame Ephron and the years would flow like seconds, until she was Madame Milena, and all her beauty would be preserved only in old, faded photographs.

“Caren," called Madame Milena joyfully when she spied her. She came striding swiftly, gracefully her way. "Why do you sit in the shadows?" she asked. “How nice to see your lovely face again. And don't think I don't know why you look so sad! You're one big fool to leave Leeland! He's a big baby; you know he can't be left alone or he does things to hurt himself, and when he hurts himself, he hurts you too! Why did you let him get control of your management? Why did you let him burn up your money as fast as it hits your pockets? I tell you this, in your place, I would never, never have let him put another in my role of Giselle!"

‘God, what a blabbermouth he was!’ Caren thought.

"Don't worry about me, Madame," Caren said coolly, "if my husband doesn't want me for his partner anymore, I'm sure there will be others who will."

She scowled and advanced on her. She put those bony hands on her and shook Caren as if to wake her up. Up close, Caren could see she'd aged terribly since Leeland’s father had died. Her ebony hair was almost white now, and streaked with charcoal.

“You gonna let my son make a fool of you? You let him put another dancer in your place? I gave you credit for having more backbone! Now you hightail it back to New York and push that other girl out of his life! Marriage is sacred, and wedding vows are meant to be kept!" She insisted.

Then she softened and said, “Come now, Caren," and led her into her small cluttered office, “Now you tell me about this foolishness going on between you and your husband!"

"It is really none of your business!" Caren insisted.

She swung another straight chair to where she could straddle it. Leaning forward upon her arms, she stabbed Caren with her hard penetrating glare, “Anything, and everything concerning my son is my business!" She snapped. “Now you just sit there and keep quiet, and let me tell you what you don't know about your husband."

Her voice turned a little kinder, "I was older than his father when we were married, and even so I dared putting off having a child until I believed the best of my career was behind me, and then I became pregnant. Leeland’s father never wanted a child to hold him down, and back, and so, from the beginning Leeland had two strikes against him,” she tells Caren.

She looks down then and whispers, “I tell myself we didn't force the dance upon our son, but we did keep him with us, so the ballet became part of his world, the most important part.”

She sighed heavily and wiped a bony hand over her troubled brow. "We were strict with him, I admit that. We did everything we could to make him what was perfect in our eyes, but the more we tried, the more determined he became to be everything we didn't want him to be. We tried to teach him perfect diction, so he ended up mocking us with all kinds of vulgar street language-gutter talk, his father called it. You know," she went on with a wistful expression, "only after my husband was dead and buried did I realize that he never spoke to our son unless it was an order not to do something, or an order to improve his dancing technique. I never realized that my husband could have been jealous of his own son, seeing that he was a better dancer and would achieve more fame. It wasn't easy for me to become only a ballet mistress, and for Georges to be only an instructor. Many a night we lay on our bed and held to each other, craving the applause, the adulation. ... It was a hunger that would not be satisfied until we heard the applause for our son."

Again she paused, and birdlike craned her neck to peer at Caren and see if she was paying full attention.

Oh, yes, she had her attention. She was telling her so much she needed to know.

"Leeland tried to hurt his father, and my husband got hurt because Leeland made light of his father's reputation. One day he called him only a second-class performer. My husband didn't speak to his own son for a whole month! They never got back together after that. Farther and farther they drifted apart ... until one fine Christmas Day when another prodigy drifted into our lives, and offered herself. You! Leeland had flown back to visit us, only because I had pleaded with him to try and make it up with his father ...and Leeland saw you,” she took a pause and sighed, “It is our responsibility to pass along our skills of technique to the younger generation, and still I felt some apprehension in taking you on, mostly because I thought you would hurt my son. I don't know why I thought that, but it seemed obvious from the very start, it was that older doctor you loved and if not him then his younger brother. Then I thought you had something very rare, a passion for the dance that is seldom seen. You were, in your own way, equal to what Leeland was, and the two of you together were so sensational I couldn't believe my eyes. My son felt it too, the rapport between you two. You turned those big, soft, admiring blue eyes on him, so later he came and told me you were a sex kitten who would fall easily under his spell and into his arms. He and I always had a close relationship, and he confessed to me what other boys would have kept secret.”

She paused, flicked her stony eyes over Caren and went on breathlessly, "You came, you admired him, you loved him when you were dancing with him, and when you weren't, you were indifferent. The harder you were to win, the more determined he was to have you. I thought you were clever, playing a skillful woman's game when you were only a child! And now you, you ... you go and leave him when he was in a foreign country, when he couldn't speak the language, when you should have learned he has weaknesses, many of them, and that he cannot bear to be alone!"

She jumped up like a black, scrawny alleycat and stood above Caren.

“Without Leeland to give you inspiration and enhance your talent with his own, where would you be? Without him would you be in New York, dancing with what is fast becoming one of the leading ballet companies? No! You'd be here, raising babies for that doctor. God knows why you said yes to Leeland, and how you can keep from loving him. For he tells me you don't, and never have! So you drug him. You leave him. You take off to see that younger brother, not even the one you were with before, become a doctor, when you know damn well your place is at your husband's side, making him happy and taking care of his wants! Yes! Yes!" she shrilled, "he called me long distance and told me everything! Now he thinks he hates you! Now he wants to cut you off. And when he does, he won't have a heart left to keep him alive! For he gave you his heart years and years ago!" She shouts.

Caren began to shake, slowly she rose to her feet; her legs felt weak and trembly as she brushed a hand over her aching forehead, and held back tired tears.

All of a sudden it hit her hard, she did love Leeland. For now she saw how very much they were alike, him with his hate for his father who had denied him as a son. And her with her hatred for her mother, making me do crazy things, like sending off hateful letters and Christmas cards to sadden her life and never, never let her find peace. And Leeland in competition with his father, never knowing he'd won, and was better...and her in competition with her mother-but feeling that she had yet to prove herself better.

"Madame, I am going to tell you something Leeland might not know, and I didn't really know until today; I do love your son. Perhaps I always loved him, and just couldn't accept it."

She shook her head, then fired her words like bullets, "If you love him, why did you leave him? Answer me that! You left him because you found out he has a liking for young women? Fool! All men have yearnings for young women but still they go on loving their wives! If you let his desire for young flesh drive you away, you are crazy! Slap his face; kick his behind-tell him to leave those girls alone or you will divorce him! Say all of that, and he will be what you want. But when you say nothing, and act like you don't care, you tell him plainly you don't love him, or want him, or need him!”

“I'm not his mother, or a priest, or God," Caren said wearily, sick of all the passion she used. Backing toward the door, Caren tried to leave before saying, “I don't know if I can keep Leeland from younger women, but I'm willing to go back and try. I promise to do better. I'll be more understanding, and I'll let him know I love him so much, I can't abide the thought of him making love to anyone but me."

Madame came then to take Caren in her arms. She soothed, “Poor baby, if I have been hard on you, it was for your own good. You have to keep my son from destroying himself. When you save him, you save yourself, for I lied when I said you would be nothing without Leeland. He is the one who would be nothing without you! He has a death wish, always I've known it. He thinks he's not good enough to live on because his father could never convince him he was, and that was my fault too, as well as his father’s. Leeland waited for years and years for his father to see him as a son, worthy of being loved for himself. He waited equally as long for his father to say yes, you will be even a better dancer than I was, and I'm proud of what and who you are. But his father kept his silence. But you go back and tell Leeland his father did love him. To me he said it many times. Tell him too that his father was proud of him. Tell him, Caren. Go back and convince him of how much you need and love him. Tell him how sorry you are to have left him alone. Go quickly before he does something terrible to himself!" She begged before Caren left.

So it was time for her to say good-bye to Cassidy and William. Only this time she didn't have to bid adieu to Daniel.

He put his foot down, “No! I'm coming with you! I'm not letting you go back to a crazy man. When you've made your peace with him, and I know everything is alright only then will I leave," Daniel declared.

The plane set down at La Guardia around three. A hot, sultry day. Both Carena and Daniel were both tired.

"At this hour Leeland will be in the theater rehearsing. They'll use the rehearsals as a promotion film. There have to be a lot of rehearsals; we've never danced in this theater before and it's important to get the feel of the space you have to move in,” Caren explained to Daniel.

Daniel was lugging along Caren’s two heavy suitcases, while she carried his much lighter bag. She laughed and smiled his way, glad he was with her, though she knew Leeland would be furious.

"Now you stay in the background ... and don't let him even see you if everything goes alright. Really, Daniel, I'm sure he'll be glad to see me. He's not dangerous,” Caren reasoned.

“Sure," he said glumly.

They sauntered on into the darkened theater. The stage up ahead was very brightly lit. The TV cameras were in position, ready to shoot the warm-ups. The director, producer and a few others were lined up in the front-row seats.

The heat of the day was chased by the chill of the huge space so Daniel opened up one of Caren’s bags and spread a sweater about her shoulders after they both sat down near the aisle, midway back in the center section.

Automatically Caren lifted both her legs to stretch them on top of the seat just ahead. Though she shivered, the corps de ballet were sweating from the hot light. Caren looked for Leeland but didn't see him.

Just to think of Leeland though, was to bring him out of the wings, onto the stage in a series of whirling jetés. Looking so handsome.

"Wow!" whispered Daniel in Caren’s ear. "Sometimes I forget how sensational he is on stage. No wonder every ballet critic thinks he will be the star of this decade when he learns some discipline. Let it be soon ...and I mean you too, Caren."

She smiled, for she too needed discipline, "Yes," she said, "I too, of course."

No sooner had Leeland finished his solo performance than the woman that had replaced Caren, Loretta Price pirouetted out from the wings, wearing red. She was more beautiful than ever and she danced so extraordinarily well for a girl so tall.

That was, she danced well until Leeland came to partner her, and then everything went wrong. He reached for her waist and got her buttocks, then he had to quickly shift his hold, so she slipped and nearly fell and again he adjusted to save her.

A male dancer who let a ballerina fall would soon never have a partner to lift. They tried again the same jump, lift, and fall back, and this time it went almost as awkward, making Loretta seem ungainly, and Leeland unskilled.

Even Caren, sitting halfway down the row of seats, could hear her loud curse. "Damn you!" she screeched. "You make me look gauche-if you let me fall, I'll see you never dance again!"

"Cut!" called the director, getting to his feet and looking impatiently from one to the other.

The corps de ballet milled about, grumbling, throwing angry looks at the pair center stage that was wasting so much time. Obviously, from the sweaty, hot looks of all of them, this had been going on for some time, and badly.

"Laurent!" called the director, well known for having little patience for those who required two, or even more takes. "What the hell is wrong with your timing? I thought you said you knew this ballet. I can't think of one thing you've done right in the past three days."

"Me?" Leeland railed back. "It's not me... it's her-she jumps too soon!"

"Okay," the director said sarcastically, "it's always her fault and never yours." He tried to control his impatience, knowing Leeland would walk out in a second if criticized too much. "When is your wife going to be well enough to dance again?"

Loretta screamed out, "Hey, wait a minute! I came all the way from Los Angeles and now you're sounding as if you're going to replace me with Caren! I won't have it! I'm written into that contract now! I'll sue!"

"Miss Price," said the director smoothly, "you are the cover only—but while you are, let's attempt it again. Laurent, listen for your cue. Prince, make ready and pray to God this time it will be fit to show an audience who might expect better from professionals."

Caren smiled to hear she was only the cover. She had thought she was really written out. She found she perversely enjoyed watching Leeland make a fool out of himself and Loretta as well.

Yet, when the dancers on stage groaned, she groaned along with them, feeling their exhaustion, and despite herself she began to feel pity for Leeland who was diligently trying to balance Loretta.

Any second the director could call "take ten" and that's when Caren would make her move.

Up ahead, first row, Madame Ephron suddenly turned her wizened giraffe neck to crane Caren’s way, and those sharp little beady eyes saw her sitting tensely, watching like an eagle.

"Hey, you, Caren," she called with great enthusiasm, “Come,” she gestured, “sit by my side.”

"Excuse me a minute, Daniel," Caren whispered. “I've got to go up there and save Leeland before he ruins both our careers. I'll be alright. There's not much he can do with an audience is there?"

Once Caren was seated beside Madame Ephron, she hissed, "Sooo, you’re not so sick after all! Thank God for small favors. Your husband up there is ruining my reputation along with his and yours. I should have known better than to always let him partner you, so now he can dance with no one as well."

"Madame," Caren asked, "who arranged for Loretta to be my stand-in?”

"Your husband, my love," she whispered cruelly, “You let him get control, you were a fool to do that. He is impossible! He is a tempest, a devil, so unreasonable! Soon he will go mad, if he doesn't see your face or we will go mad. Now run fast and put on dance clothes and save me from extinction!"

It was only a matter of seconds before Caren had on a practice outfit and, as soon as she had her hair bound up and securely fastened in place, she strapped on her pointes. At the dressing room barre she warmed up quickly. Doing her pliés, and the rond de jambes to pump blood into each limb. Soon enough she was ready. Not a day passed where Caren didn't do her exercises for several hours.

In the darkened wings Caren hesitated. She was prepared, she thought, for almost anything for when Leeland saw her, what would he do? While she watched him on stage, suddenly from behind she was brutally shoved aside!

"You've been replaced," hissed Loretta. “So, get out and stay out! You had your chance and loused it up. Now Leeland is mine! You hear that? He's mine! I have slept in your bed, and used your makeup and worn your jewelry. I have taken your place in everything."

Caren wanted to ignore her and not believe anything she said. When the cue came for Giselle to go on, Loretta tried to hold her that's when Caren turned savagely upon her and pushed her so hard she fell. She blanched with pain, while Caren went on pointe and glided onto the stage, making her perfect little string of pearls.

Each tiny step could have been measured and proven to be of an exact distance. For now was the shy, young village girl, sweetly, sincerely falling in love with Loys. Others on stage gasped to see her. Relief lit up Leeland's dark eyes for an instant.

"Hi," he said coolly as she neared him, and fluttered her dark lashes to enchant him more.

"Why'd you come back? Your doctors kick you out? Sick of you already?" He asked.

"You are a nasty, inconsiderate brute, Leeland, to replace me with Loretta! You know I despise her!"

His back was to the lookers as he sneered wickedly, all the while keeping time, "Yeah, I know you hate her. That's why I wanted her."

He curled his beautiful red lips so they looked ugly, “Listen to this, dancing doll. Nobody runs out on me, especially my wife, and comes back and thinks she can still fit in my life. My love, my dearest heart, I don't want you now, I don't need you now, and you can go and play bitch to any man you want! Get the hell out of my life!"

"You don't mean that," Caren said, as they both performed perfectly, and no one called cut. How could they when they did everything so exquisitely right?

"You don't love me," he said bitterly. "You've never loved me. No matter what I did, or what I said, and now I don't give a damn! I gave you the best I had to give, and it wasn't enough. So, dear Caren I give you this!"

And with those sudden words, he broke the routine, jumped high into the air, to come down forcefully and directly onto her feet. All his weight, brought down like a battering ram to crush her toes.

Caren uttered some small cry of pain, then Leeland was whirling back to chuck her under the chin.

“Now, love, see who will dance Giselle with me. Certainly it won't be you, will it?" He hisses.

“Take ten!" bellowed the director, too late to save her.

Leeland gripped her shoulders and shook her like a rag doll. Caren stared at him rattle-eyed, expecting anything. Then suddenly he whirled away leaving her center stage, alone, on two damaged feet that hurt so badly she could have screamed. Instead, she sank to the floor and sat there staring at her rapidly swelling feet.

From out of the darkened auditorium Daniel came running to her assistance.

“Damn him to hell for doing this!" He cried, falling on his knees to take off her pointe shoes and examine her feet. Tenderly he tried to move her toes, but she cried out from the awful pain.

Then he picked her up easily and held her tight against him, "You'll be alright, Caren. I'll see that your toes heal properly. I fear a few are broken on each foot. You'll need an orthopedist,” he told her.

"Take Caren to our orthopedist," ordered Madame Ephron who teetered forward and stared at Caren’s darkening, enlarging feet. She peered more closely at Daniel, having seen him only a few times before.

“You’re Caren’s doctor boy who caused all this trouble?" she asked, making Caren blush. “Take her quick to the doctor. We have insurance. But that fool husband, this is it. I fire him!” She declared.

At the doctor of Caren’s feet were X-rayed disclosing three broken toes on her left foot, and one broken small toe on her right.

Thank God both her big toes were spared, or else she might never dance again!

An hour later Daniel was carrying her out of the doctor's office with a plaster cast drying on one foot that reached to her knee, while the small toe was only taped and left to heal without such protection.

The doctor's last words rung in her ears though, “You may, or you may not dance again, it all depends."

On what it depended, he didn't say.

So she asked Daniel.

“Sure," he said confidently, of course you'll dance again. Sometimes a doctor likes to be overly pessimistic so you can think how great he was when everything works out fine due to his special skill."

Clumsily he tried to support her while he used her key to open the door of the apartment Leeland and her shared. Then he carefully lifted her up again, carried her inside and kicked the door closed behind him. He tried to make her as comfortable as possible on one of the soft couches.

Caren had her eyes squeezed tightly together, trying to suppress the pain she felt at every move.

Daniel tenderly supported both legs so he could stuff pillows under and keep them elevated to reduce the swelling. Another fat pillow was carefully eased under her back and head and he never said one word not one word.

Because he was so silent, she opened her eyes and studied his face that loomed above her. He tried to look professional, detached, but he failed. He showed shock each time his eyes moved from one object to another.

Fearful Caren looked around and her eyes bulged and her mouth opened.

This room! The mess! Oh, God, it was awful!

Their apartment was a wreck! Every painting Leeland and her had so carefully selected was torn down from the walls, smashed on the floor. Even the two watercolors Daniel had painted especially for her, portraits with her in costume.

All the expensive trinkets they’d bought lay broken on the hearth, lamps were on the floor, the shades slashed to ribbons and the wire frames bent. Needlepoint pillows she'd made during the long tedious flights from here to there while on tour were ripped, destroyed! Houseplants had been dumped from their pots and left with roots exposed to die.

Two cloisonné vases that William had given as a wedding gift, gone too. Everything fine and costly, and very cherished, things they had planned to keep all their lives and leave to their children, all beyond restoration.

"Vandals," said Daniel softly, "Just vandals."

He smiled and kissed her forehead and squeezed her hand as tears came to her eyes. “Stay calm," he said, then he went to check the other three rooms, while she sank back on the pillows and sniffed back her sobs.

Oh, how he must hate her to do this!

Shortly after, Daniel was back with his expression very composed, in that same eye-of-the-hurricane way she'd seen a few times on his face.

"Caren," he began, settling cautiously down on the edge of the sofa and reaching for her hand, “I don't know what to think. All your clothes and shoes have been ruined. Your jewelry is scattered all over the bedroom floor, the chains ripped apart, the rings stepped on, bracelets hammered out of shape. It looks as if somebody set out deliberately to ruin all of your things and left Leeland's in perfect condition."

He gave her a baffled, troubled look, and maybe the tears she tried to hold back jumped from her eyes to his. With glistening blue eyes he extended his palm to show her the setting of a once exquisite diamond engagement ring, given to her by his brother, William.

The platinum band was now a crooked oval. The prongs had released their clasp on the clear and perfect two-carat diamond.

Sedatives had been shot into her arm so she couldn't feel the pain of her broken toes. She felt fuzzy and disoriented, and rather detached. Someone inside her was screaming, screaming hatred was near again-the wind was blowing, and when she closed her eyes.

"Leeland," she said weakly, "he must have done this. He must have come back and vented his rage on all my belongings. See the things left whole, they are things he chose for himself."

"Damn him to hell!" cried Daniel. “How many times has he vented his rage on you? How many black eyes—I've seen one-but how many others?"

"Please don't," Caren said sleepily, "He never hit me, that he didn't cry afterward, and he'd say he was sorry. Yes, so sorry, my sweetheart, my only love. I don't know what makes me act as I do when I love you so much,” she muttered.

"Caren," began Daniel tentatively, tucking the platinum band in his pocket, "Are you alright? You look close to fainting. I'll go in and straighten up the bed, so you can rest in that. Soon you'll fall asleep and forget all of this, and when you wake up, I'm taking you away. Don't cry for the clothes and things he gave you, for I'll give you better and more. As for this ring William gave you, I'll search around the bedroom until I find the diamond."

He looked, but he didn't find the diamond, and when she drifted into sleep, he carried her to the bed he'd made up with clean sheets. She was under a sheet and a thin blanket when she opened her eyes, and he was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her face.

Caren glanced toward the windows and saw it was getting dark. Any moment Leeland would come home, and find Daniel with her and there'd be hell to pay.

But she wanted him to stay. For always he gave her comfort when nothing else could. Always he was there when she needed him to do and say the right thing.

“You’ve made it Daniel. I haven’t yet. You should let me go,” Caren whispered and then added, “You've achieved your goal of being a doctor. But I'm still not a prima ballerina." she said this last part bitterly.

"Caren, don't belittle yourself. You will be a prima ballerina yet!” He said fervently. "You would have been a long time ago, if Leeland could control his fits of temper that makes every company manager afraid to sign the pair of you on. You get stuck in a minor company just because you won't leave him."

Caren sighed, wishing he hadn't said that. It was true enough Leeland’s fiery temper tantrums had scared off more than one offer that would have placed them in a more prestigious company.

“You've got to leave, Daniel. I don't want him to come home and find you here. He doesn't want you near me. And I can't leave him. In his own way he loves me and needs me. Without me to keep him steady he would be ten times more violent, and I do love him after all. If he struck out sometimes, he was just trying to make me see that. Now I do see,” Caren told him.

"See?" he cried. “You're not seeing! You’re letting pity for him rob you of good common sense! Look around you, Caren! Only a crazy man could have done this. I'm not leaving you alone to face a madman! I'm staying to protect you. Tell me what you could do if he decides to make you pay again for leaving him alone in Spain? Could you get up and run? No! I'm not leaving you here, unprotected, when he might come home drunk, or on drugs,” Daniel started.

“He doesn't use drugs!" Caren defended, protective of the good that was in Leeland, and for some reason, wanting to forget all that wasn't.

"He jumped on your toes, when you need those toes to dance on, so don't tell me you will have a sane man to deal with. You need to leave him,” Daniel insisted only to be rebuffed.

"Daniel, I'm going to have Leeland's baby. I went to a gynecologist while I was in town. It's the reason I stayed longer than I originally intended. Leeland and I are having a baby."

She could have slapped him from the way he moved backward. He sat up on the side of the bed and bowed his head into his hands. Then he sobbed, "Always you manage to defeat me, Caren! First William, my brother who I can’t even hate, then Leeland who I’ll never understand why you put up with, and now a baby."

There was a silence for a moment before he suddenly faced her, "Come away and let me be the father to that child! Leeland isn't fit!”

"Daniel I'm going to have the baby with Leeland,” Caren said with a firm resolution that surprised even herself, “I want Leeland's child for I do love him, Daniel, and I've failed him in so many ways. Failed him because you and William got in my eyes, and I didn't appreciate what I could have had in him. I should have been a better wife, and then he wouldn't have needed those girls. I…” Caren tried to continue before Daniel interrupted.

"You forgive him for breaking your toes?" he asked, astonished.

"He kept begging me to say I loved him, and I never would. I kept a deceptive parasol over my head, to keep dark doubts in my mind, and I refused to see anything that was noble and fine about him but his dancing. I didn't realize that to love me, even when I denied him, was noble and fine in itself. So, let me go, Daniel. Even if I never dance again, I'll have his child and he will go on to fame without me."

Daniel looked at her with deep sadness before standing up and leaving.

So Caren slept only to bolt awake at the sound of a telephone ringing.

Why did a telephone ringing in the dead of night always have such a threatening sound?

Caren sleepily reached for the receiver and muttered, "Hello?”

"Mrs. Leeland Laurent?"

Caren came awake a bit more, and rubbed at her eyes. "Yes, this is she."

She named a hospital on the other side of town, “Mrs.Laurent, would you please come as quickly as possible? If you can, have someone else drive you. Your husband was in an auto accident, and is even now in surgery. Bring with you his insurance papers, identification, and any medical history you have, Mrs. Laurent...are you there?"

But she wasn’t she was back to being a young child and hearing her father was dead in auto accident, and she instantly cried out, “Daniel!” Hoping her hadn’t left.

He was to her in a second coming from the other room, “I’m here,” he said, for he always was and would never truly leave her.

In that dim and lonely hour that comes before dawn, Daniel and Caren arrived at the hospital.

In one of those sterile waiting rooms they sat down to wait and find out if Leeland would survive the accident and the surgery.

Finally, around noon, after hours in the recovery room, they brought him down. They had him laid out on what they called a "fracture bed", a torturous looking device that strung up his right leg which wore a cast from his toes to his hip. His left arm was broken, and in a cast, and strung up in a peculiar way too. His pale face was lacerated and bruised. His lips, usually so full and red, were as pale as his skin. But all of that was nothing compared to his head.

Caren shivered to look. His head had been shaved and small holes drilled for metal calipers to be hooked in to pull his head up and backward. A leather collar lined with fleece was fastened about his neck. A broken neck! Plus a leg fracture, and a compound fracture of his forearm, was to say nothing of the internal injuries that had kept him on the operating table three hours.

Caren cried out, “Will he live?”

"He is on the critical list, Mrs. Laurent," they answered so calmly, "If he has other close relatives, we suggest you contact them."

Daniel made the call to Madame Milena, for Caren was deathly afraid he'd pass away any moment, and she might miss the only chance to tell him she loved him. And if that happened, she'd be cursed and haunted all through the rest of her life.

Days passed. Leeland flitted in and out of consciousness.

He stared at Caren with eyes lackluster, unfocused. He spoke but his voice came so thick, heavy and unintelligible she couldn't understand. She forgave him for all the little sins, and the big ones too, as you are apt to when death is around the corner.

She rented a room in the hospital next to his where she could catch naps, but she never had a full night's rest. She had to be there when he came to, where he could see and know, so she could plead with him to fight, to live, and, most of all, say all the words she'd so stingily kept from his ears.

"Leeland," she whispered, her voice hoarse from saying it so often, "Please don't die!"

Their dancing friends and musicians flocked to the hospital to offer what consolation they could. His room filled with flowers from hundreds of fans.

Madame Milena flew up from South Carolina and stalked into the room wearing a dreary black dress. She gazed down on the unconscious face of her only child without any expression of grief.

“Better he die now," she said flatly, “than to wake up and find himself a cripple for life.”

“How dare you say that?" Caren flared, ready to strike her, "He's alive-and he's not doomed. His spinal cord wasn't injured! He'll walk again, and dance again too!"

Then came the pity and disbelief to shimmer her jet eyes and then she was in tears. She who'd boasted she never cried, never showed grief, wept in Caren’s arms.

"Say it again, that he'll dance-oh, don't lie, he's got to dance again!"

Five horrible days came and went before Leeland could focus his eyes enough to really see. Unable to turn his head, he rolled his eyes Caren’s way.

"Hi."

"Hello, dreamer. I thought you were never going to wake up," Caren said.

He smiled, a thin ironic smile, "No such luck, Caren love."

His eyes flicked downward to his strung-up leg. "I'd rather be dead than like this."

Caren got up and went to his fracture bed that was made with two wide strips of rough canvas slipped over strong rods. It was a hard, unyielding bed to lie on, yet she stretched beside him very carefully, and curled her fingers into his tangle of remaining uncombed hair.

Her free hand stroked his chest, “Lee, you're not paralyzed. Your spinal cord was not severed, crushed, or even bruised. It's just in shock, so to speak."

He had an uninjured arm that could have reached to hold her, but it stayed straight at his side, "You're lying," he said bitterly, "I can't feel one damn thing from my waist down. Not your hand on my chest either. Now get the hell out of here! You don't love me! You wait until you think I'm ready to kick off, and then you come with your sweet words! I don't want or need your pity-so get the hell out, and stay out!"

Caren left his bed and reached for her purse, crying, even as he cried and stared at the ceiling.

“Damn you for wrecking our apartment!" Caren stormed when she could talk, "You tore up my clothes!" Caren rampaged, angry now, and wanting to slap his face that was already bruised and swollen, “Damn you for breaking all our beautiful things! You knew how painstakingly we chose all those lamps, the accessories that cost a fortune. You know we wanted to leave them as heirlooms for our children. Now we've got nothing left to leave anyone!”

He grinned, satisfied. “Yeah, nothing left for nobody,” he yawned, as if dismissing her, but she was unwilling to be dismissed, "Got no kids, thank God. Never gonna have any. You can get a divorce. Marry some son of a bitch and make his life miserable too."

"Leeland," Caren said with such heavy sadness, "Have I made your life miserable?"

He blinked, as if not wanting to answer that, but she asked him again, and again, until she forced him to say, "Not altogether miserable-we had a few moments."

"Only a few?"

"Well... maybe more than a few. But you don't have to stay on and take care of an invalid. Get the hell out while you can. I'm no good, you know that. I've been unfaithful to you time and again."

"If you are again, I'll cut your heart out!"

"Go 'way, Caren. I'm tired."

He sounded sleepy from the many sedatives they fed into him and shot into him, “Kids are not good for people like us anyway."

“People like us...?"

"Yeah, people like us."

"How are we different?”

He mockingly, sleepily laughed, bitterly too, "We're not real. We don't belong to the human race."

"What are we then?"

“Dancing dolls, that's all. Dancing fools, afraid to be real people and live in the real world. That's why we prefer fantasy. Didn't you know?" He asked.

"No, I didn't know. I always thought we were real,” Caren whispered.

"It wasn't me who ruined your things, it was Loretta. I watched, though."

Caren felt sick, scared he was telling the truth. Was she only a dancing doll? Couldn't she make her way in the real world, outside the theater? Wasn't she better at coping than her mother?

"Leeland ... I do love you, honest I do. I used to think I loved someone else, because it seemed so unnatural to go from one love to another. When I was a little girl, I used to believe love came only once in a lifetime, and that was the best kind. I thought once you loved one person, you never could love another. But I was wrong,” Caren tried.

"Get out and leave me alone. I don't want to hear what you've got to say, not now. Now I don't give a damn," Leeland told her.

Tears coursed down Caren’s face and dropped down on him. He closed his eyes and refused to see, or listen. She leaned to kiss his lips, and they stayed tight, hard, unresponding.

Next he spat, "Stop! You sicken me!"

"I love you, Leeland," she sobbed, “and I'm sorry if I realized it too late, and said it too late but don't let it be too late. I'm expecting your baby, the fourteenth in a long line of dancers, and that baby is a lot to live for, even if you don't love me anymore. Don't close your eyes and pretend not to hear, because you are going to be a father, whether or not you want to be."

He rolled his dark, shining eyes her way, and she saw why they shone, for they were full of tears.

Tears of self-pity, or tears of frustration, she didn't know.

But he spoke more kindly, and there was a tone of love in his voice, "I advise you to get rid of it, Caren. Fourteen is no luckier a number than thirteen."

She left his room to sleep on Daniel’s shoulder for a few hours. When she got up she walked to Leeland’s room to see he was asleep, deeply asleep. The intravenous tube that led to his arm ran under the sheet and into his vein.

But for some reason she fixed her eyes upon that bottle with the pale yellow liquid that seemed more water than anything else, so quickly it was being depleted.

She ran back to shake Daniel awake, "Daniel," she said, as he tried to pull himself together, “isn't that IV supposed to just trickle into his arm? It's running out very quickly,too quickly, I think."

Hardly were the words out of her mouth when Daniel was up and running toward Leeland's room.

Daniel only had to throw back the sheet to see the problem, the tube had been cut!

"Oh, God," sighed Daniel, "an air bubble must have reached his heart."

Caren stared at the shiny scissors held so loosely in Leeland’s slack right hand.

"He cut the tube himself," she whispered, "he cut the tube himself, and now he's dead, dead, dead.”

Daniel turned on the nurse, but Caren stopped him even in her grief, “It's all right," she said dully, "If he hadn't done it this way, it would have been another. I should have known and warned you. There was no life for him if he could never dance again. No life at all.”

Leeland was buried next to his father. On the headstone, Caren made sure Madame Milena agreed to the name she added:

Leeland Laurent Romanov, beloved husband of Caren, and thirteenth in a long line of Russian male ballet stars.

Maybe it was ostentatious and gave away her own failure to love him enough while he lived, but she had to let him have it the way he wanted or as she thought he wanted.

Daniel, William, Cassidy and her paused at the foot of his father’s grave too, and she bowed her head to show respect to Leelands father. Respect she should have given him too.

“Caren," said William when they were all seated in the long black limousine, "your room is still as it was, all yours. Come home and live with Cassidy and me until your baby is born. Daniel will be there too, doing his internship at the local Hospital."

Caren stared over at Daniel who was seated on the jumpseat, knowing he'd won a much better position in a very important hospital—and he was interning in a small, unimportant one.

“Duke is so far away, Caren," he said with his eyes avoiding hers. “It was bad enough traveling when I was in college and med school so if you don't mind, let me be somewhere near so I can be here the day your son or daughter arrives in the world."

Madame Milena jolted so her head almost struck the ceiling of the car, "You carry Leeland's child?" She cried. "Why didn't you tell me before? How wonderful!" She glowed, so the sadness dropped from her like a gloomy cloak. “Now Leeland's not dead at all, for he will father a son, who will be exactly like him!”

"It may be a girl, Madame," William said softly, while he reached for Caren’s hand causing Daniel to turn away slightly, “I know you long for a boy like your son, but I long for a little girl like Caren and Cassidy ...but if it's a boy, I won't object."

"Object?" cried Madame. "God in his infinite wisdom and mercy will send to Caren the exact duplicate of Leeland! And he will dance, and he will reach the fame that was waiting just around the corner for the son of my husband!"

That night as Caren sat on the porch, the door behind her opened and closed quietly. She didn't look to see who it was, for she knew. She was good at sensing people, even in the dark.

William sat in the chair next to hers, and rocked his chair in the same rhythm as she rocked.

"Caren," he said softly, "I hate to see you sitting there with that lost and drained expression. Don't think all the good things in your life have passed you by and nothing is left. You're still very young, very beautiful, and after your baby is born, you can quickly whip yourself back into shape, and dance until you feel you're ready to retire and teach."

She didn't turn her head. Dance again? How could she dance when Leeland lay in the ground? All she had was the baby. She would make the baby the center of her life. She would teach her child to dance, and he or she would reach the fame that should have been Leeland’s and hers. Everything that her mother failed to give her and her siblings she would bestow on her child.

Never would her child be neglected. When her child reached for her, she would be there. When her child cried out for Momma, he wouldn't have to make do with only an older sister. No, she’d be like her mother was when she was with her father. That was what hurt the most, that she could change from someone loving and kind into what she was, a monster. Never, never would she treat her child as her mother treated hers!

She had to be careful and not eat junk food; She had to drink plenty of milk, take vitamins, and think happy thoughts, not vengeful ones. Every day from now on she would play ballet music. Inside her, her baby would hear, and even before he or she was born a small living soul would be indoctrinated to the dance.

She smiled, thinking of all the pretty tutus she could buy for her little girl. She smiled even more to think of a boy like his father with dark blue eyes just like his.

Carailand Ryan Laurent would be his name. Carailand for both her and his father and Ryan for Daniel’s little brother who now filled her dreams, remembering the way Daniel described him.

Though she tried diligently to think only of the innocent child growing within her, still her thoughts would steal to her mother, filling her with hate, filling her with unwanted plans for revenge. For somehow she had caused Leeland’s death too.

Madame Milena came often to check on her condition,and filled her with authoritative advice.

“Now you keep up your practicing; play the ballet music to fill Leeland’s baby with love for beauty before he is born; inside you he'll know the dance is waiting for him."

She glanced down at Caren’s feet that had finally healed, “How do those toes feel now?"

"Fine," she answered dully, though they ached when it rained.

The long days of grief sped by more quickly because she had Leeland's baby, part of him to keep with her.

Soon Christmas was upon them, and she was so large she didn't feel she should show herself. Daniel insisted, along with William, that it would be good therapy to go shopping.

Caren bought an antique gold locket to send to Madame Ephron, and inside she put two small photos of Leeland and her, in their Romeo and Juliet costumes.

Shortly after Christmas her thank-you note arrived:

Dear Caren, my own love,

Yours is the best gift of all. I grieve for your beautiful dancing husband. I grieve for you most of all if you decide not to dance again just because you are to become a mother! Long ago you would have been a prima ballerina if your husband had shown less arrogance and more respect for those in authority. Keep in shape, do exercises and bring your baby with you. My poor son just had a baby himself, I pray he will be a dancer. Bring your darling child and they can run around together. We will all live together in my place until you find a new dancer to love. Life offers many chances, not just one. Come back.

Forever here for you,

Madame Ephron

Her note put a wistful smile on Caren’s face.

It was a cold February night when Caren felt her first contraction. She gasped from the sharp pain. She had known it would hurt, but not so much!

She glanced at the clock, two o’clock in the morning of Valentine's Day. Her baby would be born on what would have been her and Leeland’s sixth wedding anniversary!

"Leeland," she cried out, as if he could hear her, "you are about to become a father!"

She got up and dressed as speedily as she could before she crossed the hall to rap on William's door. He mumbled something in the way of a question.

“William," Caren called, "I think I just had my first contraction."

"Thank God!" he cried from the other side, instantly wide awake. "Are you all set to go?"

"Of course. I've been ready for a month."

"I'll call your doctor, then alert Daniel, you sit down and take it easy!"

"Would it be all right if I came in?" Caren asked.

He swung open the door, wearing only his trousers, "You're the calmest mother-to-be I've ever seen," he said as he helped her sit.

He raced next to swipe at his face with an electric razor, then he was running to put on a shirt and tie.

“Had any more contractions?" He asked.

It was on the tip of her tongue to say no, when another seized her. She doubled over, “Fifteen minutes since the last."

She gasped and he looked pale as he pulled on his jacket, then came to help her up,"Okay, I'll put you in the car first, then go for your suitcase. Keep calm, don't worry, this baby will have three doctors doing their very best..."

"To get in each other's way," Caren concluded.

"To see you have the best medical attention possible," he corrected.

He left a note for Cassidy for when she woke up, also telling her to call Madame Milena and put the tape they made for her.

It seemed forever before the hospital loomed up ahead. Under a protective canopy at the emergency entrance, a solitary intern paced restlessly back and forth. Daniel, who said "Thank God you're here! I was picturing all sorts of calamities," even as he assisted her out, while someone else rushed up with a wheelchair, and without any of the preliminaries other patients had to endure.

She was snug in bed in no time at all and gasping from another contraction.

Three hours later, her son was born, Daniel and William were there, both of them with tears in their eyes, but it was Daniel who picked up her son, still with the cord attached, messy and bloody. He put him upon her belly and held him there while another doctor did what he had to.

"Caren can you see him?" Daniel asked tears in his eyes.

“He's beautiful,” Caren breathed in awe, seeing all that light wavy hair, the perfect little red body. With a fierce anger so like his father's he waved his tiny fists and flailed his thin legs, screaming at all the indignities inflicted upon him and all the light that came so suddenly to shine in his eyes, and put him center stage, so to speak.

“His name is Carailand Ryan Laurent, but I'm going to call him Cary,” Caren whispered.

Both Daniel and William heard her thin whisper. She was so tired, so sleepy.

“Ryan?” William asked for the rest was understandable to him.

It wasn't Caren who had the strength to answer. It was Daniel who understood all of it.

“Carailand was for both of them, and she always did love Cary Grant movies. But he’s blonde and beautiful just like my brother Ryan was. I used to tell her about him all the time when she first came here,” he whispered with a small smile.

For a moment their eyes met and she smiled. How wonderful to be understood, and never have to explain.

#cary: musing #cary: story #caren: musing #danield: musing #harry: musing #anything in these story pieces is something cary knows happened #most of this writing comes from the book in which cary's character is largely based on with several details changed and parts rewritten #we worship cary's bad ass mother caren and amazing step father daniel in this house

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jurassicparkpodcast · 4 years

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James Ronan's Top 5 Jurassic Park 3 Film Moments

The third article in this series counting down my Top 5 film moments looks at the 2001 Jurassic film Jurassic Park 3. Considered by many fans to be the black sheep of the Jurassic Park film series. (Thanks to the Jurassic Vault for the great images)

Jurassic Park 3 had a very troubled development. Directed by Joe Johnston (the first time for the franchise to have another director other than Spielberg) the film never had a final draft of the script before shooting. It released with mixed reviews and only made $368 million on a $93 million budget. It remains the lowest grossing Jurassic Park film and one of the most controversial in terms of canon consistency within the franchise. I decided to take the opportunity to now go over some of my Top 5 film moments from JP3 as the film celebrated its 19th anniversary back in late July. Strangely Universal seems to have a problem remembering the dates of theatrical release for the Jurassic films. Jurassic Park 3 according to the Jurassic World Twitter account released on July 17th, 2001 but in fact it actually released on July 18th, 2001 theatrically. Jurassic Outpost recently conducted a very interesting interview with Shelly Johnson the Cinematographer on JP3, it is well worth checking out for some in-depth film insight on the production and development of the film.

Before I get into my Top 5 moments, I want to just mention a few of the reasons why JP3 remains a controversial instalment in the Jurassic Park series among the fandom. Jurassic Park 3 again takes place on the island of Isla Sorna, the same island that was seen in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Sorna in JP3 looks radically different in terms of flora compared with what was seen in The Lost World with lush tropical forests compared to the redwoods seen throughout most of the previous film. Many fans speculate that Sorna has a diverse flora on the island with different biomes being separated by the different sides of the island. It was an interesting choice to change the vegetation from what was seen in The Lost World for the third film and remains a debated topic within the fandom.

We are also introduced once again to some new Velociraptors in Jurassic Park 3. These Raptors are more intelligent than the previous Raptors we have seen throughout the series. Behaviour of the Raptors is a big plot point of the film with Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler discussing their intelligence, before we get a scene of Billy showcasing a 3D model of a Velociraptor resonating chamber. The Male Raptors are shown with quills on the backs of their head and neck, a palaeontology characteristic introduced to make the Raptors a bit more accurate and to appease fans who wanted to see feathers on display in the film. Speaking of Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler both Sam Neill and Laura Dern return to Jurassic Park 3 with Sam Neill again in a major role, despite both actors missing from the previous instalment in the franchise. Whilst Sam Neill and Laura Dern’s return to the franchise was most welcome, many fans had and continue to take issue with how their relationship changes from Jurassic Park to Jurassic Park 3. With Ellie now married to Mark Deggler (who works for the US State Department) who she has two children with. Alan is very much on his own and still working on dinosaurs helping palaeontology students like Billy Brennan. Whilst I am very much excited for Sam Neill and Laura Dern’s re-appearance in Jurassic World: Dominion, I am really hoping they keep the dynamic they had as friends from JP3 and don’t break up the family Ellie had in the third film. Just leave it be, as Jurassic World: Dominion has enough to cover as it is following on from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Another issue JP3 brought up is around the Pteranodons being shown free at the end of TLW and another species of Pteranodon being caged up and finally getting free during the events of the third film. Whilst these issues may seem trivial to some, Jurassic Park 3 does not really address any of them, which is why they remain hotly debated topics within the fandom.

Unlike the previous films John Williams does not return to score the film. Don Davis takes on the composer role with a soundtrack that is quite different from the past Jurassic films but still retains some of the classic Jurassic themes. Jurassic Park 3 is my least favourite film in the franchise, but the film does have some great sequences and character moments that are worth looking at so let’s break down what moments really impacted me shall we?

5. Billy Stop! (The Pteranodon Attack Sequence)

The Pteranodon attack sequence is up as my 5th Top moment from the film. Many fans including me love the Pteranodon Aviary design, the layout, and the amount of mist throughout the sequence which really set the scene as a completely strange and unknown part of Isla Sorna. The Pteranodons themselves showcase behaviour which can be related to the original Jurassic Park novel. The Aviary sequence in the original novel is very different, but it was nice to see that JP3 took that sequence as inspiration and made its own thing whilst still referring to the original novel with Alan, Lex, and Tim. We knew Billy would end up using the parachute further on in the movie as when they first discover it, after the Spinosaurus attack sequence Grant asks Billy “if he can fly one of those?” Overall, the sequence is well done and when Billy gets attacked by the Pteranodons in the water, the attack is brutal.

The music by Don Davis in this scene also amps up the horror of Billy being tortured in the water as he goes down stream whilst another Pteranodon turns and looks at both Dr. Grant and Paul Kirby. It is surprisingly quite a dark scene for JP3 which overall has the lightest tone of any Jurassic film. Ultimately Billy survives the attack sequence, which for me really negates the impact of the attack in the first place. If anything, it would have been more appropriate for Dr. Grant to have found Billy’s body later on washed up on a riverbank, with Billy holding Dr. Grant's hat. Not only would have it been a poignant moment, but it would have aided Grant’s development further to have lost a student on such an expedition that ultimately shouldn’t have occurred in the first place.

4. What’s a bad idea? (The Spinosaurus Plane Attack)

I think many JP3 fans might be surprised that this is 4th on my list in terms of Top moments in JP3. But my main complaints in this scene relate to the behaviour of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus itself which as a plot device, seems to have a knack for following the main group around the island. The death of Cooper is so well done and is in my opinion the best death in JP3 period. The setup for the Spinosaurus from Coopers death is so well done that the aeroplane attack sequence just doesn’t live up to the awesome death we just saw moments before. We also don’t see any remorse or loss from Udesky or any of the group that Cooper and Nash have just died after the plane attack and it is just odd to say the least in the context of the film.

I do have issues with how the plane attack sequence takes place. The fact that the Spinosaurus can track down the plane after it crashes rather quickly without anyone hearing it approach until it breaks open the plane is a major problem I have. Whilst this type of issue can also be compared to the Tyrannosaurus Rex appearance in the Visitor Centre at the end of Jurassic Park, how this scene takes place in JP3 with the Spinosaurus is very different. We assume that the Spinosaurus is a fairly intelligent animal to have tracked the group down and to destroy the plane the way it does, but later on in the film when it finds the group at the fence and also attacks the boat on the river we see that the animal doesn’t have much behaviour at all. Unfortunately, the animal is only used in servicing the plot and we don’t see anything more to it then to just act as a B movie monster. I really like the Spinosaurus design for what it was/is and the animatronic as well as the CGI still look really good on screen, despite the animatronic being stiff in some sequences.

I do like the scene when the plane falls out of the tree and the group are all screaming as we get a cool shot of the plane just crunching up as it hits the ground under its immense weight. It is also the first and only sequence throughout the films where an aeroplane comes under attack from a dinosaur. It makes my 4th spot though for setting up the Spinosaurus for what it ultimately is, a movie monster with little character. It is a shame that the Spinosaurus is showcased this way because it was the first Spinosaurid to be featured in a Jurassic Park film. Ultimately a lot of this comes down to the filmmakers deciding that a bigger and scary dinosaur needed to take down the T.Rex and become the focal point for the film. But the Spinosaurus lacks animalistic behaviour, something we saw more from the other dinosaurs throughout the previous two films. We never see it drink; we never see it sleep. We don’t see it hunt other dinosaurs (apart from the T.Rex kill) or fish despite spooking them in the river. It is just there to chase the group around the island and in its final scene, it runs away from fire and is never seen again.

3. Brachiosaurus on the Bank

Third on my list takes place after one of my favourite JP discussions throughout the films. I must quote it below because not only is it so poignant in the context of the film but is one of those moments in JP3 that was needed a bit more throughout.

Dr. Grant: I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys. There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts. The astronomer, or the palaeontologist, gets to study these amazing things from a place of complete safety.

Erik: But then you never get to go into space.

Dr. Grant: Exactly. That's the difference between imagining and seeing: to be able to touch them. And that's... that's all that Billy wanted.

This discussion between Alan and Eric was another plot point that made me want to pursue palaeontology as a career. My dream career after seeing Jurassic Park was palaeontology but this discussion in JP3 also hit me and has stuck with me ever since I saw the film back in 2001. However, whilst this discussion has resonated with me a lot over the years, I want to discuss the scene after, where we see most of the herbivores of Isla Sorna along the river whilst the classic Jurassic theme is played. Probably one of the mot awe-inspiring moments in the film, echoing the Brachiosaurus scene in Jurassic Park.

We see four Brachiosaurs alongside two Ankylosaurs, a herd of Stegosaurs and a few Parasaurolophus in the background. All the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 3 are depicted with the most colourful designs we have seen throughout the first three films. The Brachiosaurs in particular display a very distinct patterning with a red skull and orange eyes. As someone who likes the improvements in colour design that the dinosaurs display in JP3 the Brachiosaur colour design is bizarre to say the least especially the skull where the redness is quite patchy. The eyes are also orange which contrasts too much with the red and the rest of the colour pattern. Regardless of the dinosaur designs the scene itself is set up and executed very well. The boat just casually glides down the river as the dinosaurs watch on. You really feel the size of the dinosaurs in this scene and it brings back that sense of wonder and awe of these creatures which we didn’t get in TLW apart from seeing the Stegosaurus herd for the first time. Whilst the river scene in JP3 is very brief it goes a long way to allowing the film some breathing room just taking in the dinosaurs in their island environment.

2. This is how you play God. (The INGEN compound)

Down to the final two now! My second on my list of Top moments must be the INGEN compound and its exploration by the group of the genetics laboratory/Embryonics Administration. There are two key things that make this scene outstanding. The first is the set design which is incredible, especially with the sunlight coming in through the windows. I love the grittiness, dirtiness, and rawness of how the genetics laboratory looks, as it was left after releasing the dinosaurs into the wild. We get a real sense of the experiments INGEN was doing on the dinosaurs with the green tanks as well as how they were looked after with the incubators. The second thing I love about this scene is the score that plays alongside it, called the Raptor Room. Again, this score is very reminiscent of the Hatching Baby Raptor theme from Jurassic Park and fits so incredibly well with the group walking through looking at what INGEN was doing. The theme captures that wonder of creation which we first saw in Jurassic Park with the hatchling baby Raptor but applies it in different circumstances whilst looking at experimental dinosaurs and hatched eggshells.

The INGEN compound is also a huge plot point in terms of INGENs operations on Sorna which was discussed in TLW where Hammond mentioned “Site B being the factory floor” for the dinosaurs. Here we truly get to see the factory floor in all its glory and for me it is one of the most interesting scenes in Jurassic Park 3. As someone who loves both the original novels, knowing that the INGEN genetics lab/compound is a huge part of the second book, I was thrilled when it was shown on Sorna within the film. The way this whole scene is shot remains for me one of my favourite scenes in JP3 and it adds some really interesting backstory to INGEN as a company, how they operated and how things were left when they released the dinosaurs on Sorna and left the island.

1. Dr. Alan Grant Palaeontology Lecture

Going full circle my Top favourite film moment within Jurassic Park 3 belongs to the man himself Dr. Alan Grant in his palaeontology presentation on Raptors. One of the earliest film scenes taking place only seven minutes in, the way this scene is presented shows what many palaeontologists do at some point in their lives, giving presentations/lectures to the public. I really love the scene because it takes place like a proper lecture. It gives backstory to the viewer as to Alan's life as well as the current discussion going on regarding Raptor intelligence at the time, something of which is brought up throughout and becomes a focal point of the film's story. We see Raptor claws on display as Alan talks about the theories surrounding Raptor intelligence and behaviour.

Unlike Jurassic Park where palaeontology is seen in the field it is great to see JP3 embrace palaeontology talks to the public as it shows engagement with the wider audience and in this case the cinema audience. Obviously by now everyone in the lecture room knows about INGEN, Nublar and Sorna after the events of TLW due to the San Diego incident, and others like Ian Malcolm breaking NDA speaking out about what INGEN was doing and the deaths as a result. Alan calls INGEN out for “creating nothing more than theme park monsters, nothing more and nothing less” in the lecture room. This view changes again later in the film when Alan says to Billy on the plane “he forgotten”, referring to forgetting what it’s like to see a dinosaur for the first time. I enjoy the way the lecture talk plays out with Alan refusing to take questions relating to Jurassic Park and the San Diego incident. The fact that the Islands are such a present focus suggests that Alan just can’t get away from being linked to Jurassic Park and the events he was unfortunately involved in. What can be clearly seen is that Alan is tired of it all, he never wants to go back to the islands. He ultimately has a love hate relationship with the INGEN dinosaurs and what Jurassic Park was all about.

Many fans like myself take issue with Grant going so easily to Sorna with the Kirby’s due to money and most fans agree that it is such a 180-character change after saying “no force on earth or heaven could get him there”. Ultimately though, Alan is very much impacted by past film events and it is shown throughout. It is just a shame that by the end of the film these changes throughout his character are just left, nothing is done with them at all. After surviving another close call of death on another dinosaur island Alan isn’t too worried about the creatures getting off or the Pteranodons leaving Sorna for new nesting grounds.

This contrasts greatly to Ian Malcolm’s view of the world and the destruction caused by the genetic power INGEN unleashed as he sees it. This is an underlying theme in TLW from Malcolm due to his involvement on the island and his injury but is seen much more bluntly in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. It will be interesting to see how these different views of INGENs dinosaurs will be shown when both Ian and Alan are shown on screen together in Jurassic World: Dominion. I would say Alan falls somewhere in the middle whilst Ian seems to be vehemently against genetic power being out in the world. Regardless of the changes to Grant's character throughout JP3 the palaeontology lecture is a great piece of exposition, backstory and set up for Raptor intelligence. As well as Alan's life in the spotlight and what many palaeontologists enjoy doing, giving thrilling lectures on dinosaurs to the public. Because it is filmed so well and so enjoyable to watch it makes my number one spot as my favourite film moment from Jurassic Park 3.

Written by: James Ronan

#article #james ronan #jurassic park 3 #top 5 jurassic park 3 film moments

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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1145

What were your favorite things to draw when you were a lil kid? I knew I wasn’t an artist the moment I started experimenting with pens and markers, and the only image I liked to keep - and was capable of - drawing on repeat was your usual kid’s portrait of a house with a sun and clouds lmao. I never learned how to draw anything else.

Do you think there is something with or around you, like a spirit, angel, ghost or something else? How does this make you feel? No, never.

Imagine you’re a stranger looking at yourself. What things would immediately catch your eye? Probably the way I’m scowling at stranger-me staring at me-me.

When did you feel the most confident in your life? Not sure when I’ve felt the most confident, but I typically feel so whenever I get something I’ve been desiring and working hard for, like getting a job offer or being accepted to my dream college or passing a really difficult exam.

Do you think love is needed to have good sex? For some people, no. For me, loving one another is an absolute must. < Yes, hits the nail on the head for me.

Do you think, or want to, die in the city you currently live in? I don’t think it would matter where I die, as long as it’s not from a terrible freak accident.

What is the strangest thing you have ever encountered? That time I went to Singapore and a sex toy shop was casually blatantly standing in the middle of Orchard Road for families to stroll pass. It’s not objectively strange, of course, but it was definitely a big culture shock. Putting up sex shops in the Philippines is basically a game of who can find the best spot to hide them in.

Favourite soft drink? I never drink soda, so I don’t have a favorite.

What do you like to put gravy on? Fried chicken or steak.

Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yes, in Palawan.

What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? I come from a line of datus from both precolonial and colonial Philippines. The most exciting part about it is that it technically makes me a princess, or at least our local version of princesses haha. I’m also distantly related to one of the three women who sewed the first Philippine flag.

Who depends on you the most? Kimi and Cooper, surely.

Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? See two questions above. Coming from my datu ancestors, my relatives also continue to serve in the local government of our family’s province until today. Not that I’m particularly proud of them or show this off whenever I want because they are all very vocal Duterte supporters and regularly engage with him and his family, so *barf*

Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? If it ever comes down to it, I’d offer one of mine to my dad, Angela, and either of her parents.

What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? They recognize when they’re wrong and know to acknowledge it and apologize.

What three things do you think of most of each day? Tasks I have to do for work for the day, tasks I have to do for the rest of the week, and financial concerns.

Does/did your high school have pop machines? No, of course not. Are there schools that are ok with selling soda? :/

Do you know anyone who’s won the lottery? Not that I know of, but then again these things are shared in secret so there’s always that chance of possibly knowing someone who won the lotto at some point.

Have you ever slept in a water bed? Never slept but I’ve played on one.

How often do you use Flickr? I haven’t visited that site since I was like 11. Not even sure it still exists.

Who is the last child that you took a photo with? I think my cousin Toffe, but it was most likely a family photo that the two of us happened to be in. I don’t have a lot of photos with my younger cousins and kids in general.

How often do you wear hats? Never. I always think about getting a bucket hat of my own but I just never go through with it.

Would you ever get a nature tattoo? I never even entertained the thought before. But considering Hayley’s albums and songs have like a million references to flowers, it sounds like a good idea now :)

Is anyone in your family sick at the moment? My paternal great-grandma was recently confined in a hospital but she’s been discharged. I have a grand-aunt who suffered a mild stroke a couple of weeks ago and is currently recovering.

Where do your siblings work, if anywhere? They are both still studying. If I had to guess, my sister would probably end up in the film, media, or advertising industry, if not a freelance artist.

Where is your favorite place to buy groceries? If I had the money for it I’d get my groceries at Marketplace, but I’m content with getting ours from SM or Robinsons for now.

Who do you generally talk to the most? Probably my immediate family and my team at work.

Is anyone saved in your phone under a nickname? Not anymore. I use nicknames on my friends more frequently on Facebook Messenger.

Whose birthday is coming up? One of my cousins’ birthday is on March 31.

Have you ever ordered from an informercial? No, never.

When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin? Around a month ago when I was embroidering. I usually accidentally prick myself from time to time.

Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? Nah, not really my idea of fun. I’m a little weak at problem/riddle-solving :(

How many followers do you have on Instagram? I literally never use my Instagram except to lurk and look for influencers to potentially tap for work. The account was initially my one-photo-a-day-in-2020 dump, but I stopped in April last year and now we’re in 2021 it doesn’t even serve a purpose anymore lmao. But for some reason Bea asked for my account and still followed me (and is the only person following me), which I’m sure she already regrets.

What’s the most recent music video you watched? Thoughts? Continued the next day. Jessi’s What Type of X. Killed it as always.

Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? Never.

What makeup products are your go-tos? None.

Are you going to school this year? No, not anymore. I did that for the very last time in 2020, and I don’t see the point in going back for an MA because I feel like I’m already covered.

What is your favorite water activity? I’ve only ever tried kayaking, but that was a very pleasant memory.

What are your favorite video games? I’m not a super passionate video game fan who’s always up-to-date, but I do have a soft spot for games I bonded on with my family when I was a kid, like Grand Theft Auto (very inappropriate for a kid to be playing, I know lol), Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Mario Kart, and Smash Bros.

Do you like jello? I never got over the texture, so no.

When was the last time you gave someone "the finger?" Not sure when exactly but it happened recently, maybe a week or two ago. I suddenly thought about my ex and flung both fingers around just for myself lol.

Have you ever held a snake? Yes, I got the chance to hold and take a photo with one on my trip to Bali. I was the only willing one in the family.

Most unique place you’ve ever been to? Baker’s Hill in Palawan is what I would imagine seeing if I ever took drugs and had a trip of some sort. Most random place ever.

If you were a superhero, what color would your cape be? Continued from...I don’t even know anymore. Just know it’s been nearly a week since I first started this, lmao. Idk maybe gold.

Have you ever slept out on your porch all night? We don’t have a porch. We do have a rooftop and I’ve fallen asleep there a couple of times. I only do so when the climate is cold, though.

Do you like horror movies? Sure, but I haven’t watched any in years. Just have never been in the mood for it for a long while now.

What’s your favorite Coke product? Blech, I hate soda.

Watergun or water-balloon war? Water gun. I’ve never been hit by a water balloon but I imagine it hurts?? so I wouldn’t want to experience it if I never had to.

Do you know anyone that’s afraid of elevators? I know my sister and grandma are claustrophobic but they’re not ~deathly~ afraid of elevators.

Is there anything in your room that belongs to a boyfriend, or a friend of the opposite sex? I don’t think any of my guy friends have lent me stuff that I got to take home, so no.

Who’s your favorite Beatle? I was never a fan. I remember pretending to be, back when liking The Beatles made you look all cool and hippy and trendy... but I honest to god just couldn’t get into their music.

Have you ever texted an ex whilst drunk? How’d that go? Yeah just once, super super way back when I was still thought remaining friends with her was the way to go. It was fine, I didn’t message anything horrific and we were both chill about it the next morning.

Do you have to stand on your tip-toes to kiss your boyfriend? I don’t have a partner anymore but yeah, I used to. I think? Maybe? I barely remember anymore. I definitely did have to tilt my head up quite a bit, though.

Have you ever been tackle-hugged? I can’t remember if I’ve received one. I’m usually the one who gives them.

Have you ever rejected someone’s kiss before? I don’t think I’ve been in this situation before.

Is your mood or the overall tone of your day often affected by the dreams you had the night before? Just for like the first half hour of waking up, especially if it was a nightmare or a triggering dream. The more I wake up the more the dream fades away, and the sillier it feels that I was affected by it.

Do you think that there are any positive aspects or outcomes of suffering from a mental illness? If you have a mental illness, do you think it has changed you for the better in any way? No. Sugarcoating mental illness doesn’t sit well with me at all. I know I’ve learned to be gentle and understanding towards other people because of the emotional abuse I’ve received in my own relationships, and I absolutely hate that it’s because of mental illness. I shouldn’t have had to learn to be kind because I was treated shittily first.

What is your opinion on celebrity culture and celebrity worship? Have you ever been guilty of putting a celebrity on a pedestal? Do you think it’s somehow more acceptable/understandable to obsess over certain types of celebrities (musicians over YouTubers, say) than others? At what point do you think an obsession like that crosses the line? I sometimes think it’s silly when fandoms fight and defend their favorites as if they know them personally, but I’m heavily into my fair share of celebrities and I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it. As long as you’re not hurting anyone or doing anything stupid like stalking your favorites, you do you.

If you were to pursue a career in photography and had the opportunity and means to photograph whatever you wanted, what would most like to photograph? People.

Is there a certain type of clothing (outerwear, activewear, loungewear, etc.) that you enjoy shopping for more than others? Cute tops.

Are you ever afraid to post your ideas, artwork, photography, etc. online for fear that they will get stolen or not credited? No, because I am not even creative in the first place and can’t make any form of art to save my life.

When is the last time you did something sexual? Last night.

Who is the last person you showered with, if anyone? My ex but that would’ve been ages ago. It was super rare that we absolutely had to shower together.

What do you think when you see roadkill on the side of the road? Sad and kinda disgusted if the guts are out, but also relieved that they don’t have to suffer in pain anymore.

Have you ever had an ex that just didn’t understand that it was over? Yeah, me. Luckily I came to my senses a few months ago and have felt better and been better ever since.

Are your fingernails currently short or long? They’re unequal lengths because I’ve been either biting or picking at them over the last few weeks, but for the most part they are long enough to need to be clipped.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Big.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any of them, so none.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I told my dad the dinner he made tasted excellent.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? I don’t think my jaw has ever made a sound before, hahaha.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids “the talk”? No, but I think it’s also relevant to note that I live in a very conservative country where sexual intercourse is never discussed, especially within families; and that it’s virtually unheard of to hear of people until my generation to have been given the talk. I had to find out all by myself, and I remember being very confused when we were being taught the reproductive system in fifth grade because they only taught about the organs and their functions, and never anything deeper than that.

Luckily the last conservative generation was Gen X, and younger generations have been a lot more open-minded. And if I had to guess, I’m fairly certain Millennial parents would be more willing to give their kids the talk.

Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on something? I mean, my 20s, thanks to Covid.

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? Yes.

If you were married, and your spouse’s parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? Of course.

Have you screamed in a pillow before? Probably.

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Electric.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? No.

What’s worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointment is more gut-wrenching. I feel more hopeless and helpless when someone feels that way about me.

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? Definitely my nails. Lip-biting isn’t a habit of mine and I only ever bite my tongue accidentally.

Do you think that knowing when and how you’re going to die would ruin your life? No. I would find that comforting, actually.

Do you have a favorite bromance? From TV or a movie. J-Man and Channy’s from Friends.

Do you find flea markets and thrift stores enjoyable? Sure.

What color is your wallet? Pink, but I def have to buy a new one soon as I’m still using the one my ex gave me...

Have you ever been somebody's photography subject? No, and I would hate to be. I don’t like being in front of the camera.

Nicki Minaj fan? I like a lot of songs by her but I’m by no means a fan.

Have you ever seen the Niagara Falls? Nope but I would love to.

#survey #surveys

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808sicario · 4 years

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WELCOME.

808 Sicario is a music production team also a creative collective at large, located in Lagos, Nigeria.

Why Is Teamwork Important:

I would say it is essential and team collaboration is growing in importance. Let me explain why.

Collaboration drives creativity because innovation emerges from a series of sparks – never a single flash of insight.

Well maybe not always from a series of sparks, but a vast majority of times anyway. No question. And certainly a great reason to work with your team on collaboration. It takes a great entrepreneur with vision to start a business, but it requires strong leadership collaboration skills and a collaboration of many people to make it a success.

Collaboration is working together to achieve a goal. It is a recursive process where two or more people or organizations work together to realize shared goals. Note that collaboration is NOT cooperation … it is much more than the intersection of common goals. It is a collective determination to reach an identical objective by sharing knowledge, learning, and building consensus.

Collaboration is an attribute that cuts across many businesses and business processes. We need to make it an intentional process and cultivate it into any team’s culture. That’s where leadership comes in as a key ingredient, to drive the collaborative process to make the whole team better than the sum of the parts.

It all starts with individual traits and skills with team members of your group , but then extends to learning collaborative group skills. You need both … they are very interactive obviously. I will examine both. Let’s start with individual collaborative traits and skills:

Work well with others

One of the most important traits you should look for is the ability to get along well with people. A people person … someone who is concerned for the wellbeing and success of the team.

Eager to contribute

People who are very self-motivated make great team members. Always looking for ways they can contribute, not for themselves, but for the team’s success.

Preparation up front

Your success depends on people who take the initiative and are prepared in advance.

Attention to details

Look for ones who pay attention to the little details. They are the ones who are rarely surprised.

Accountable for doing

People who are most accountable for their actions make the best collaborators. Almost never find reasons to point a finger for blame. Very destructive to your team’s collaborative efforts.

Create more energy than consume

Avoid those that need lots of attention and the team’s energy. For the best team collaboration you need those that create more energy than they consume.

Readily challenge

You don’t need those that are hesitant to speak up. Nor do you need those that are always pushing the edge. But ones that are ready to challenge points they readily disagree with. Not just to point out the bad, but to offer good alternatives.

Inspire new ideas in group

The ultimate goal is to create chemistry in individuals who are looking to inspire and bring out the best in others on the team.

Ok, those are the traits we look for and train in our individual staff. Here is how we develop group collaboration skills to build a great collaborative team:

Build and maintain trust

Trust is a key element we all need to set aside vulnerability, but it is hard to build, and easy to lose. It is not built on words, but through actions and evidence. Only when it works can a team address the necessary issues to win.

Preach adaptation and change

Change is the only constant in business, so make it your competitive advantage. Initiate change rather than react to it, and give clear instructions to help the team understand why the change is necessary, and how it will make the situation better.

Foster continuous communication

Communication is the glue that forms the bond between leaders and teams, and holds great teams together. Credibility is a required base.

Conflict and then consensus

Conflicts and fights are not the same thing. Conflicts are normal and required factual push backs in business, whereas fights are emotional, often personal, disagreements which do not lead forward to consensus.

Establish structure as well delegation and control

The challenge is to strike the right balance. With none, things fall into chaos, but too much can have the effect of stifling innovation and creativity.

Teach decision making

In general, any decision is better than no decision. Usually a blended approach is the best, between independent decisions, and collaborative decisions factoring in the best team input.

Provide recognition

Recognition drives motivation and human behavior, and human behavior drives results. Recognition validates people and their purpose. Always celebrate even the smallest successes. An absolute must have.

Create continuous learning experiences

We all have a desire to learn and grow. The best learning opportunities are experience and sharing .

In today’s fast-moving digital business age, we face an entirely new environment for innovation and collaboration. The best companies are the best collaborators.

In the new networked world, more and more business will be done through collaboration within, as well as, between companies. This will occur for a very simple reason: the next layer of value creation … whether in technology, marketing, service or manufacturing- are becoming so complex that few companies or company departments are able to master them alone.

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ravencromwell · 4 years

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Disability Wealth Gap in the U.S.

Have been pondering the U.S. disability wealth gap a lot over the last few days while simultaneously realizing the lack of familiarity around disability finance outside the fairly narrow disabled community. So here's the disability wealth gap breakdown in the U.S. no one asked for.

Let's get a couple terms out of the way first, on the understanding these are fairly generalized explanations--the accompanying links will give you more broad information.

SSDI is social security disability insurance, available only if you've paid taxes into the social security system, usually for at least five years.

SSI is supplemental security income--a needs-based program for low-asset holding disabled folk, that requires no taxes having been paid into the system.

But! unlike disability insurance, where there's a fairly generous yearly earned income cap and no asset cap, both those things exist with SSI--one of the reasons means-testing is one of neoliberalism's worst evils

Essentially, SSI is the greasy spoon compared to the meat & 3 that's available if you've paid in the system. Your only criteria is being born disabled and low-income. And then are promptly kicked off of if you have assets over $2,000. Yeah, you read that right: no fluffy college degrees if you're disabled. You better make damn sure you get something that'll keep you employed come hell or high water

You'll notice that both the source links are to breakdowns regarding income; I'm not the person to ask about eligibility, particularly when it comes to Social Security disability insurance, having never been one of those lucky tax-paying folks. I'm here to talk assets and economics if you're born disabled and poor. More specifically, how disability--especially when viewed intersectionally with other isms--makes it damn near impossible to escape poverty

So, you're allowed to have $2,000 in assets as a single person and qualify for SSI. Assets, as defined by the social security administration include:

cash

money in a checkings or savings account

cash value in life insurance policies (over $1,500)

stocks and bonds

vehicles (they grant us the grace of one for transportation)

real estate (except our house)

(Source link)

Do a real slow once-over of that list. Barely any life insurance; no easily accessible investment opportunities, and most of all, no easily accessible savings or checking. And this's a flat rate, assessed yearly; your accounts can never, under any circumstances, go over $2,000 in a year. (Easily accessible is an important caveat here, because there are beginning to be some legal work-arounds which I'll address later)

And the SSI payment itself? I'm on the upper-most end, and it comes in at about $800 a month, which you'd better spend within that month, cause remember, no accumulating over $2,000. Average one-bedroom apartment rent in the U.S. in the year of our lord 2019? $1,078. This rent report, while capitalist as hell, in that it celebrates the growth that's sucking everybody dry, is a very good overview of just how bad the rent situation is. If you're insanely lucky, you can scrape an apartment at $601, and if you're shit out of luck, you'll end up at $2,311.

I specifically mention one-bedrooms because disabled folk tend to be shy of apartment-sharing arrangements. There're a lot of reasons for this, from needing to carefully organize our refrigerators by memory to avoid expensive labeling technology (if you really want a trip, go look up the price of a roll of Dymo tape, which's the best kind of tape for inserting into a brailler for labeling.) to serious concerns on the part of nondisabled folk about rooming with us. The fear of being asked to change your life in significant ways or take on responsibilities outside those normally expected of apartment-sharing agreements is one I heartily sympathize with.

And then, there is, of course, disabled folks' healthy fear of crime. This isn't a topic I want to linger over, particularly because I think there is a real danger of inflating carceral myths around crime that've already ravaged poor, majority-minority communities. But it is a reality that disabled folk are three times more likely to be victims of violent crime than their nondisabled counterparts. Just as with many other marginalized folk, we need to take care in our housing situations etc. etc.

The unfortunate reality, however, is that the low-wage work that many marginalized folk rely on for survival is barred to us, especially if we have significant physical or visual disabilities. As a blind person with cerebral palsy, for example, cashier and receptionist are out for me.

There're two vitally important discussions that need to be had that don't fit neatly into this 101 post where I'm specifically using the most universalist language possible to encompass the broadest cross-section of the disability community, but which I want to acknowledge nonetheless: the complete lack of a social safety net, and the fact that even as a dirt-poor white, I'm farther up on the privilege ladder than most people of color.

One of the most enlightening passages of Brittney Cooper's Eloquent Rage is the following:

Skyrocketing childcare costs continue to disadvantage Black families, particularly in households like mine, headed by a single breadwinner mother. According to the Institute for 206Women’s Policy Research, 60.9 percent of all Black families are headed by a single mother who is the breadwinner for the family. Another 20 percent of Black households rely on a married mother as the breadwinner. In every state in the United States, there are more single than married Black mothers. In every state in the United States, there are more married white mothers than single ones. In twenty-four states, the cost of childcare exceeds the cost of rent, and in many states the cost of childcare exceeds the 10 percent income-affordability threshold established by federal agencies.

Consider that many of those single women are also disabled--a definition complicated, I'm beginning to learn, by the racism of the white disability community and many black folks' distrust of identifying with any term that harkens back to eugenics. Especially as utterly baseless, slanderous filth about intellectual or physical inferiority is still propagated as one of the multiple cudgels of racism to this day. (which is one of the reasons, honestly, that I'm doing this post; because disability, and the financial limitations thereof, often intersect with the movements against police brutality in ways not immediately apparent. If we as disabled folk are three times as likely to be victims of violent crime, you know! black disabled people, be that an identity they embrace or no, are going to be more vulnerable.)

But I also bring up Cooper's point above because it highlights the scarcity of resources and general social mobility. I've been trying to obtain a housing voucher for years. This would allow me to set aside some of my SSI money--in those legal work-arounds I'll touch on in a moment. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to build on a slight savings foundation. As a person with disabilities, I'm even considered high-priority. But there simply are no openings. The waiting list is lengthy, and gets lengthier every year. Because the people reliant on said vouchers can't gain better-paying employment. * So they need those vouchers, and the state and federal government refuse to create more. (And understand, this goes beyond simple dem or gop administration categories. I was as thoroughly fucked, housing-voucher wise, under the Obama admin as the Trump one. There is a fundamental housing crisis HUD has failed to grapple with, of rising rent and shrinking availability for low-income individuals. This failure has been a long time in the building, and just happens to disproportionately impact those of us with disabilities.)

In a system where the statistics Cooper cites are a grim reality for so many black women, it is absolutely no surprise the system is gridlocked, especially when you look at Cooper's elucidation that in 2011, median wealth for white families was over $141,000 while black families' rested at $11,000. And single black women: had a net wealth of $5, while single white women had an average of $42,000.

I may be dirt-poor, but I recognize that my ability to be left a tiny nest-egg of an inheritance is a massive fucking white privilege, and I want to make clear again that a lack of spots on that voucher list is absolutely not the fault of anyone but the folk in power. But when you can't get an entry-level job, and you! can't get a voucher, having anything to build on is insanely tough.

Especially because: the first legal work-around to SSI didn't arrive until the year 2014. Yeah, you fuckin read that right: six years ago. Known as the Able, or A Better Life Experience Act, this let us create savings accounts. We can--and are expected to--sock money away in those for investments in housing, education, etc. etc.

And look; it's revolutionary, ok. It lets me have a tiny nest-egg without having my SSI snatched away. But when your SSI is $800 a month, it's essentially eaten up by expenses. If and when disaster makes that nest-egg dwindle, there's nothing to replenish it. And understand: this is significant progress. Remember that $2,000 SSI asset limit? Until March 9th, 2005, household resources were counted towards that total. (Yeah, that means everything from furniture to your cell phone counted towards your assets, and then people ask why there's a disincentive in the disability community towards employment when your SSI is so often tied to decent, affordable insurance.)

There is progress made, but god there is so much more to be made. I didn't even know about the trusts until two years ago. Until this week, I didn't know that friends could gift directly into the trust, when I went looking after generous people offered help and I went: but can I take it without fucking up the SSI, cause god knows I desperately need replenished savings, but can't possibly get kicked off that, too. There are so many people who have no idea Able accounts exist, or the means to fill them.

Disabled people who aren't employed in white-collar jobs and want to get married? are absolutely fucked. If you have SSI, you can only have $3,000 in assets between you and your spouse, excluding some pensions etc. etc. Exceed that limit, and poof, you're done. So if you're born disabled, better either go to college or have a spouse who makes enough to support two. (These restrictions are slightly less onerous with Social Security Disability Insurance, or SSDI, but as I've said before, I'm not the one to speak to that.)

Part of making that progress is being well-informed. Start understanding how race and disability are woven together--something I'll freely admit I'm just learning. Start understanding that programs like a child allowance? are simultaneously some of the best antiracism and antipoverty work we can be doing, and would be revolutionary for parents with kids with disabilities.

Even more revolutionary, and the program I hear no one talking about? baby bonds!

You have to understand: there is a lot of shit Senator Booker and I disagree on--google his notorious charter school support. But this program? was one of the best things to come out of the 2020 campaign--aside from Warren's wealth tax, and the entire policy page which's just a well-constructed dream suite of proposals.

Booker's baby bonds program makes me do the delighted flaily hands. A. the strides it would make to reduce the black and white wealth gap between young people are just phenomenal. B. it would so radically reshape the landscape for disabled folk I haven't even entirely managed to wrap my head around all its implications. But let me give you an example.

As members of the disability community, there is some limited aid available to us for college. States will usually pay the amount of tuition for an in-state student at a local university of their choosing. So let's say $9,500. Now, we all know that's not going to go very far at all, particularly if you go out-of-state for college. And considering the steep unemployment rate in the disability community--most reputable studies put it at around 70% in the blind community. Well.

Even taking into account methodology concerns e.g. not necessarily surveying whether someone wants a job or are cognitively capable of job performance, but instead relying on whether they have one, those statistics are fucking grim. (I try really hard not to ponder it; the only way to pursue my ambitions is to believe, with either mad optimism or bulldog stubbornness, in my chances of success.)

When you're looking at those steep odds in a world where networking is already hard for non-disabled professionals: you need! the burnished credentials of a fancy school. You oftentimes need that gloss just to get you noticed as a blind individual. And that? means a lot steeper tuition than what the state departments of rehabilitation will fork over.

If you're straight out of high school, you have some real hope of scholarships for your undergrad. If you are, like me, a nontraditional student, things get...complicated.

Current plan looks something like: take advantage of the free 2-year-college that just! got passed in my GOP state about a year ago. And have the amount of a semester's tuition (so around $16,000) in savings by the end of that. After that first semester, I'll use internships and work study and fuck knows what else, but I need that first semester: to undertake the arduous task of learning routes as a blind person. To understand what my resources are on-campus as a disabled person and how to utilize them.

Booker's baby bonds? An account worth tens of thousands by the time I was eighteen? would've erased so many of those obstacles. By now, I'd be out of college, out of law school, gainfully employed. The possibilities are almost too vast to contemplate.

So, yeah. I have no neat conclusion to this. Start understanding disability issues as critical intersectional issues. Fight for economic equality, understanding that you're fighting, in large part, for disability equality. Ask questions. I'm open to them. I suspect you have other disabled friends who are, too

*There's a whole discussion around incarceration crippling employment, especially in majority-minority communities. Follow any good decarceral thinker, from Chris Hayes to Josie Duffy Rice to Ruth Wilson Gilmore (the latter understands disability as a crucial part of the struggle in ways I deeply appreciate) to understand the issue better.

#sorry for the length. tried not to just. have a wall of doom-text #but this shit is complicated #disability stuff #personal #hoping someone at least finds my week-long in the making meta enlightening or useful ;)#my meta

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msjr0119 · 5 years

Text

Hold On

Part 17D- Surprises and Verdicts

Nobody got injured at the Homecoming ball, they all get separated into different safe houses- for safety.

Riley and Drake had confirmed that they had feelings for each other, however Drake believed Riley should be with Liam. Heartbroken, she moves back to New York. Only keeping in touch with Hana, Maxwell and Olivia.

Riley meets lawyer, Nate Cooper and begins a relationship with him. In Cordonia, Drake begins to court Kiara.

Nine months after Riley had left Cordonia- there is a reunion, but not the reunion the friends had hoped for.

*Characters belong to Pixelberry*

If you are under 18 please do not read this series. If you do, you are consenting that you are over the age.

Series warnings: Suicide, domestic abuse, swearing, stabbing, smut 🍋. If any of these triggers affect you do not read!

Tags- @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @butindeed @bbrandy2002 @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @choices97 @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world

******

Leo stuck to his word and ran Riley a bath when they had returned to the apartment. It seemed to calm her down. Her hand was slightly swollen, but she didn’t care- it was worth it. The friends all ordered pizza and watched a Rom-com before heading to bed.

Riley couldn’t sleep, she just kept seeing Madeleine’s smirk in her mind. She had wondered how long the case would be adjourned for. It was now 5am. Who needs sleep anyway- she thought.

She tiptoed into the kitchen, attempting to not wake the others up- caffeine was required if she was to survive the day. She saw Leo and Beth snuggled up on the sofa, holding each other. A pang of jealousy hit her- she missed Liam. How she went all these months without his soft touch, she didn’t know. He was now her drug- she wanted more every time she saw him, she felt intoxicated when around him. As she had finished making her coffee, her phone rang. She answered it quickly, whispering as she noticed her two friends stir.

“Li. Do you know what time it is?”

“Why are you whispering? And it’s 5.10am Ri. I am capable of telling the time.”

“Okay Mr intelligent. I was whispering because Leo and Beth are asleep on the sofa. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’ve missed you. Are you okay?”

“I’d be better if I was with you... Li hold on, someone’s at the door....”

Riley tiptoed back into the living space. She didn’t know why she bothered as the knock had woken her friends up. She opened the door, immediately seeing his baby blues.

“I suppose I better hang up then...”

Riley pulled Liam in for a kiss, she was shocked but so happy to see him.

“Pack your bag Ri. You’re staying with me, no questions required. Let these lot catch up on sleep.”

******

Glen the King’s Guard junior, drove Liam and Riley to the penthouse that Liam had rented, Olivia was staying in a 5* hotel nearby- she didn’t want to play gooseberry.

“I can’t believe that you are here!”

“I couldn’t stay away any longer. You needed me no matter how much you denied it. I wanted to be here for you. And besides, I wouldn’t let you all face any more court alone after what she did.”

“You... you know?”

“I don’t know the full details- Leo wouldn’t tell me. But I know she was here, providing a fake alibi and by the look of your hand you’d have gotten into trouble if Leo and Bastien didn’t stop you.”

“Li, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Ri, don’t apologise. Someone was going to do it someday. I’m extremely tired. Are you going to join me? We can have a lie in. Then I’ll take you out for breakfast, my treat.”

“What would happen if a lady refused the King?” Riley asked seductively, biting her lip.

Liam stepped closer to her and began to kiss Riley on the neck- he knew it was her ‘turn on spot’.

“I believe that the lady will get punished.”

Riley dragged the King over to the bed, before pushing him on it and straddling him. The kisses deepened as they became more passionate. They both stripped each other down to their underwear- they were both eager to touch and feel each other.

“Lay on your back, Lady Riley. You must obey your King’s order.”

*****

Two days after Liam and Olivia had arrived in New York, Leo and Riley were called back into court. In those two days all the friends did some sightseeing, ate out, generally had fun.

Liam looked at the Statue of Liberty. This place had so many memories- the first night he met Riley, the time he proposed to her. The had come full circle again and was back here.

“Li?”

Liam pulled Riley towards him, wrapping his arms around her protectively- whilst gazing on the Statue.

“I can’t believe how beautiful she still is. Not as beautiful as you though.”

“Heh. I don’t mind being in competition with a Statue. Can she fuck you like I can your Majesty? Didn’t think so.”

Riley said seductively. She needed to have a joke- she knew he would be feeling morbid being here. This is where she rejected his proposal. Guilt was still bubbling inside of her even after all this time.

“Riley don’t. You are making me want you.”

“You’ll have to wait until we get back my King.”

“Don’t tease me. I love you.”

“I love you too Li.”

The two of them held hands as they rejoined their friends.

“We are going to sit in the gallery. I’m not going to kiss you because I don’t want to make the situation any worse. But I love you Riley Brooks, always have and always will. Don’t you forget that. Good luck to you both. We will celebrate afterwards.”

Riley and Leo sat down in their seats, both panicking that the two parasites had won. Liam, Liv and the rest of the friends smiled at the two victims.

“I apologise for adjournment regarding the verdict. The jury wanted to scrutinise the new evidence that came alight from Miss Chambers. We will go through each incident that the defendant is being trialed for and the head of the jury will answer the verdict.”

Liam glanced over at Nate, Olivia was correct and he was good looking- but he was too confident-providing a look as if had won already. Liam really wanted to do to Nate what Riley had done to Madeleine. Olivia noticed him staring at Nate and held his hand for reassurance.

“They’ve got this Li.”

“I hope so Liv. I really hope so.”

****

“Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty with the incident involving the following photos of Miss Brooks. The incidents included her passing about and being hospitalised and also the incident where Mr Cooper was accused of breaking her arm.”

Liam and Olivia gasped, it was the first time they had seen the pictures. Riley hung her head down low, Leo put his arm around her.

“GUILTY.” The judge thanked the jury before starting the next question.

“Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty with the incident that involved Miss Brooks miscarrying her unborn baby?”

“GUILTY.”

“And finally, do find the defendant guilty or not guilty with the incident involving Mr Rhys being attacked in the Club?”

“GUILTY.”

Riley and Leo jumped out of their seats, both crying and hugging each other tightly. Riley looked to see Olivia hugging Liam. He was crying too. Olivia winked at her friend and smiled- this was unusual for the Duchess to show such an expression.

“NO WAIT! He’s not guilty, I gave you video evidence. It clearly wasn’t Nate in the video.”

“Pipe down Maddy, your plan has backfired.” - Leo snapped back at his ex fiancée.

“No wait, Leo isn’t the faithful boyfriend he keeps painting himself as. He swanned off around Europe sleeping with anything that had a pulse. And Riley, she can’t keep her knickers on either. One minute she’s sleeping with the King then she’s shacked up with his best friend! They aren’t as perfect as you all think they are... GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!”

The judge had requested that Madeleine was removed from the room, he knew that she was a liar.

“Miss Brooks and Prince Leo, the video ‘evidence’ she had on her phone, had a time and date on it from when it was recorded. She set it up. We will let her off with a warning as she is not from this country. But any other hassle, the American law will deal with her.”

Leo hugged Riley tighter. They had done it, even with the obstruction in the way.

“Mr Cooper you have been found guilty on all accounts. The minimum sentence I can provide for you is 10 years. If you cause any hassle during your time in prison this will increase. You may take him down.”

Leo and Riley hugged their attorney, thanking her for all her work. They had won, and were ready to celebrate with their friends. Liam ran to Riley picked her up and spun her around. He couldn’t stop kissing her, he knew how hard it was for both her and Leo but he was incredibly proud of how strong the two of them had been.

“Ri, I love you. This is where our future begins. Leave the past behind us and start a fresh....”

#theroyalromance #choices trr #riley brooks #bertrand beaumont #drakewalker #maxwell beaumont #olivia nevrakis #hanalee #kingliam #drake x riley #liam x riley #leo rhys

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spicyyy-muffin · 5 years

Text

Little bit of love

Harry Styles x reader

Warnings: Talk of past abuse, or unloving parents and friends.

Summary: You are a musician, harry’s a musician, and maybe you guys love eachother, but that’s figured out later on.

A/n: I’m seriously considering turning this into a series because there’s so many different directions i can take it, so if you guys like it, please let me know, and ill give you whatever you want! my masterlist ;)

you were a musician. you worked every day. put in every single thing you could. dreamed it even more. this is what you wanted. you didn’t want the fame. or the red carpets. you just wanted to wake up every day knowing that you put in everything you possibly could, and you never settled.

You had met Ed Sheeran, and Adele on two separate occasions, which led you to meeting Tyler Johnson and Kid Harpoon. You didn’t ask anything of them, just light talk, some mediocre musician jokes, talking about Stevie Nicks, when Tyler had invited you to come to the studio.

“y/n come play a few cords with us in our studio yeah?”

He nudged ed who was on his right, in the middle on a swig of his strawberry tequila.

“mmmm yeah! played with the guys for awhile, even now when im feelin a little under tha weather, i go in. serious fun, give it a whirl!”

you sat amused at what ed was saying, “yes! yes of course, that would be so much fun!”

and so you did. once a week turned into twice a week, three times a week, and then eventually you found yourself coming every day. Clare Uchima, who you had become ridiculously close with in the short amount of time, had suggest that you damn well might as well work for them.

And in all hell you wanted nothing more, but it was more complicated than just signing a contract. everyone else had to be okay with it, harry being the main one who had to truly want you on the payroll. and maybe in reality it wasn’t that difficult to become apart of the team, but you had overthought it so much, that it seemed out of the question.

but never the less of course, thoughout the months that this process took place, you had gotten very close with the entire band, Harry included. but it seemed Clare and Tyler were the people you spent most of the time making music with, and the people who teased you on the harry matter every chance they could.

today clare and you had just got done with dissecting six different tiny little thrift shops in the tiny London town, discussing the aspects of how your life was going to chance in a couple weeks when they wanted to move locations back to LA to record a few songs.

“I don’t clare, i just feel like, you know Harry, and Tyler, and Kid, and all of you guys have so many people already on production, and recording, and making, lighting. you could literally go to war, but i don’t want you all to feel obligating to signing me onto the pay roll just because i come bring you blueberry muffins every saturday morning.”

You were shifting through the variety of clothes in the bin, not paying attention to the girl who stopped her scavenging and was now toe to toe with you.

“y/n you are not a means of dead end. sure your blueberry muffins are absolutely to die for-”

she nudged your shoulder.

“but we all love you so much, even harry!”

you laughed rolling your eyes, she never failed to bring up yours and harry’s ever lasting romance, which was not there...

“seriously! last saturday morning when we were messing around with the new guitar stevie bought harry, when you were brought up into the conversation, and i swear harry was like a little boy, whining about how i steal you too much and he wishes he could get more time with you!”

“Harry?”

“Yes, silly!”

“god why do you keep stealing me when i can be spending time with harry.” you teased.

“god when you two are finally together, im gonna make you a fucking cake that says ‘i told you so’ on it”

Walking up the little sidewalk path, and into the studio, clare still teasing you, and you just turning red at her comments.

She stopped at the foggy glass door, when she paused, patting her pockets, cursing to herself.

“god im so sorry y/n can you run back out to the car, i think i left my fucking phone in the console.” She looked at you with pure sorrow.

“yeah! of course no problem, i’ll go grab it and meet you back.” she handed you her keys, and you handing her the tiny gift bags that you had bought for the rest of them, turning your heel, and making your way back into the car.

It felt like you were outside digging in the damn car for an hour, when you finally found her found, logged underneath the drivers seat, classic clare.

You were pushing into the room once more, eyes locked on her keys and her phone which you were currently holding.

“damn clare you-”

everyone was sitting there. balloons filled the room, a cake on the desk, followed by the cutest people you come to know in the past few months.

“surprise!”

harry, kid, tyler, mitch, clare, sarah, and adam. sitting in the little office room staring at you with smiles stretched upon their faces.

your face was undoubtably scorched, and sarah running into you pulling you into a big hug was no help.

“su-suprise? but i haven’t done anything special?” you questioned.

“so your song from ‘Green Book’ having a grammy nomination isn’t special?” Mitch looked up at you with curiosity.

“H-how d-you even know about that holy hell.”

Tyler went into detail about how Clare had spoken to him about how excited you were when you first found out, telling her you didn’t want to rain on harry’s or anyone else’s parade for that matter by telling the rest of them. but eventually when nominations came out, last night, they all immediately found out anyway.

within this time however you failed to notice harry making his way from behind the desk, walking over to you.

until an arm wrapped around your waist, “congratulations love, thas incredible.” being murmured into your ear, his breath hitting your neck.

you pulled away, meeting the green eyed mischievous man in front of you, not saying anything, but just pulling him into a hug.

but you quickly pulled away in panic, trying but failing at meeting everyone’s eyes.

“I really, realllly did not want to make a big deal out of this.” you looked at harry, “i know your album is in the making, and you are all going to california very soon, and-”

harry pulled you back into his chest, “woulda stop worryin your little head for 5 minutes hm? we are equals yeah? we should all support, and push the people we love to do the things they love, and I know for a fact, you woulda made me blueberry muffins, hell even go so far as the last dollar in your bank account to support me. so why wouldn’t we do the same for you?”

you wanted to cry. absolutely bawl. you had never felt this kind of support in your entire life. growing up, fucking sucked. you seeked validation from your parents, but it always fell through. you supported your friends, but they never showed you the same. so finally feeling supported was so emotional, you couldn’t put it into words.

but when you covered your mouth, a few tears escaping the closed lids of your eyes. the music was immediately turned off, and the room fell silent.

harry ushered you into his arms, “was it something i said? whats wrong angel?”

you kinda just stood there in the awkwardness, choking back a few sobs, feeling harry lifting his head looking around the room for answers, but not getting anything.

his hands grabbed your cheeks, where your face was pressed against his chest, but you closed your eyes. they were such good people, they didn’t need to see you like this.

“come on dove, open those pretty little eyes for me please?”

“im sorry, im sorry- i- you guys im so sorry, i jus-”

“hey heyy, its okay, your okay, no need to be sorry, you haven’t got anything to be sorry moppet!” he laughed, which caused a little chuckle and a smile to be raised on your face.

“i just, have never felt this loved before, so thank you guys, you have no idea how much this means to me.”

Clare knew about your past, she knew how mistreated you were from the events your father put you through. and so that’s why she sort of weaseled her way between you and harry to grab you and pull you into your arms.

under her breath, into your ear making sure no one could hear, “its okay babe, that wasn’t love, but it’s over now yeah? you got us now right?” you smiled, pulling away wiping tears off your puffy cheeks. Tyler was also the only one who knew, and by the time you looked he was already by your side giving you a hug.

Clare knew you didn’t like it when others knew about your past, it just wasn’t you were. you weren’t that girl anymore, yesterday didn’t define you.

But do to him standing too close, harry still pick up on the words. not batting an eye, or looking for answers, just stilling, knowing that if you wanted to tell him you could.

mitch clapped his hands. “okay! lets get back to the celebrating yeah? I think our little nominee needs to open her gift.”

you were pushed into one of the chairs at the table, everyone else slowing filling in.

Harry was on your right, Tyler on your left, and Clare right in front of you.

“you guys seriously did not need to get me anything, all i want is to be around you is all” you laughed.

“oh we know, but I think this might be your favorite gift.” Clare pressed.

“You are my favorite gift, so no, it won’t be” you smiled.

when suddenly an arm reached over your shoulder dropping a single, but large envelope on the wooden table.

you looked over at harry questioning.

“guess your gonna have to open it up and see for yourself.”

all eyes were on you now.

you grabbed it, slowing unsealing, “you all are gonna be the death of me.”

you looked inside, there was a bundle of papers, so you pulled them out spreading them across the table. they were contracts,

You here by allow the personnel, y/n y/l/n, to play, wright, perform, with the cooperation ‘Harry Styles’

you skipped past all of words, but nonetheless harry’s signature was at the bottom.

the rest of the papers, were the members and the producers signatures as well.

and then an finally an empty contract lay in front of you, asking for your acceptance.

you looked at tyler “is this real”

you looked at harry “you’re not”

“as real as the hair on me bum” you stood up your chair falling to the ground, you engulfed harry in the biggest hug you could muster up.

“i owe you so much”

“you owe me nothing pet, we’d be so happy for you to be apart of who we are, you are already are love, you just haven’t signed a contract. we’ve all known for a while that it was just a matter of time before you were helpin me out on stage yeah?

there was nothing you wanted more. than to be with them. and so you signed, it was followed by everyone going out to dinner for the real celebration, and then Adam’s favorite pub.

You would never mention how you loved the fact that Harry’s hand seemed to find yours as the night unfolded, every chance he got he took.

And maybe, just maybe, when he walked you to the little home you were renting for the time being, you might have loved the fact that he gave you one last hug, placing his hands on the underside of your jaw, pressed a kiss to your cheek.

yeah, you could most definitely get used to this life.

my masterlist ;)- im open for requests too!

a/n: if you liked it please please let me know, i kinda wanna turn this into a series, or at least make a few chapters. other than that thank you for reading lovely<3

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alicepink-me · 5 years

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The New Guardian

Story Summary: Marinette Dupain-Cheng is an adult in the real world, guarding the Miracle Box in Master Fu's place. She's in love with Chat Noir, but refuses to tell him her feelings. New holders appear to fight the duo and shake up their lives. Marinette makes a tough decision about her future as Ladybug.

Chapter 14: The Trial

Marinette was sat down in a chair at a small table. Two guards stood behind her. As her eyes scanned the room, Mantis surprisingly disconnected her chains and cuffs. The entire council sat at a higher crescent shaped table across from her, looking down on her. The room was a mock of an actual court room. Mantis rolled up the chains and hooked them back on his belt.

"Seems you trust me more in this room." Marinette said, showing her wrists.

"You're powerless, so what can you do in here? You can't run now." Mantis said, walking to his seat. "You probably noticed your weakened state in that room. As a defense mechanism, we decided to weaken you so that even if you somehow stole your miraculous back, you could not transform."

"You all might be overreacting just a little bit" Marinette said. "It's not like I have access to it."

Mantis dug in his pocket. "No, but we do." He pulled out the familiar black and red box.

Marinette sat straight. "And why are you telling me its location in your pocket? I could fight you for it right now. Why risk such power?"

"Would you be so stupid to challenge us?!" One of the woman shouted. "You're just as dumb as I thought."

"You can't defeat us, Marinette, so there's no use." Mantis said, sitting down as he shoved the box back in his pocket.

"Do I at least get an attorney for this whole trial?" Marinette asked, leaning back. Her thoughts were slowly aligning.

"Of course not, you don't deserve one!" The other woman objected.

"Now now, Rain, we don't have all day to bicker with her." One man said.

"I don't care, Amethyst." Master Rain huffed. "She's an entitled brat." Marinette rolled her eyes.

Mantis held the bridge of his nose. "Alright already! Saber, would you care to proceed?"

"Gladly." A man stood up with a piece of paper. He shot a snarky glance at Marinette before looking down. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng you are here today to stand trial in front of the grand council. You have been accused of a series of crimes, including, unfit possession of a miraculous, abuse of power on many accounts, and failure to cooperate with your superiors." Marinette's mouth fell open. "You may object or add to any of these accusations to better our discussion. We, the council, will decide on a punishment and future for your miraculous that we see fit."

"First order of business." Another man stood up, adjusting his glasses. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng is the most famous Ladybug miraculous holder, stationed in Paris, France, given her miraculous at the age of thirteen. Her guardian was Master Wang Fu, since passed, who studied at the temple until age fourteen. Fu fled to Paris where he later handed out miraculouses, starting with the Ladybug and Black Cat, to teenagers for them to fight a villainous threat to the city who possessed a miraculous himself."

"Is everything correct so far, Ms. Dupain-Cheng?" Saber asked.

"Yes." She agreed.

"As everyone knows, guardian training is not a simple class that you can pass at age fourteen, so Wang Fu had actually cheated the system." The man continued. "He failed a short test and caused the complete destruction of this temple as well as everything inside of it. Instead of fixing what he started, Fu ran away without completing his own training, taking an entire Miracle Box with him, and he left the downfall of our nature behind him. Two miraculous were lost that day, which were later used against Paris, France, resulting in the need for two heroes, including yourself, Marinette. You should have never received a miraculous in the first place. If it wasn't for your guardian's complete and utter incompetence, you would never have been in this situation."

"Do you agree, Ms. Dupain-Cheng?" Amethyst asked.

"Not really." Marinette shook her head.

"That doesn't surprise me." Master Rain snarled.

"What's the issue?" Sabor asked.

"Master Fu was told to leave the temple." Marinette said, Mantis holding his breath. "When the damage had spread too far from Master Fu's sentimonster, one of your own instructed him to take the box and run before he was crushed with everything else. Master Fu told me he never understood why he was the one to be freed, but he imagined that his Master had entrusted him to bring everyone back. Eventually Master, Chat Noir, and I did restore the temple and everything inside of it. We succeeded." Marinette leaned forward, glaring. "And as for my superhero status, I was amazing." The crusty, old women scoffed. "I was needed from the very beginning aside from the whole Hawkmoth and Mayura incident. You may have forgotten, but I didn't just protect Paris from those two. The Star Five, several bandits and burglars . . . everything. Master Fu even sent Chat Noir and I to Algeria then Egypt for a week to fight a trio of villains." Marinette squinted. "Are you taking notes? You really should be taking notes. This is important stuff that you need to remember, especially since I'm part of your students' curriculum now. You might as well teach them the truth."

"How dare you!" Rain shouted, standing and slamming her fists on the desk. "None of us would ever dare let an immature student achieve such power without proper training! How dare you make such accusations about our roles at our own academy! How dare you promote your missions to us!"

"Rain!" Amethyst stood, giving her a stern look. "We must remain calm."

There was a pause and a moment of silent rage between the two before they sat down. Saber took a deep breath. "Auror, continue."

The man flipped to his next page before reading on. "Alright, objective two. Unfit possession of a miraculous." He took a deep breath. "As mentioned before, Wang Fu had not received proper training himself, so his disciple wouldn't even come close to a real master. Marinette has insisted that his teaching was beneficial, but her points are controversial. Marinette has been at the academy for two weeks now and has shown significant improvement, but no matter her training, she will never reach the potential of every other holder or guardian."

"Marinette has received some training from Fu, even if it's incomplete, but are you sure she isn't able to catch up?" Saber asked. "A few of her trainers have sent positive feedback."

"But the point of this academy is to catch the children at a young age and before they ever form attachments to people or places." Master Digit spoke. "Marinette received unnecessary power at age thirteen whereas most students may receive one after graduation at eighteen and with over a decade of training. Besides her immaturity and lack of skill, Ms. Dupain-Cheng is quite popular in France, resulting in her several ties to important people, including celebrities like Jagged Stone and Gabriel Agreste. If she were to slip up once, that news would practically be broadcasted, risking all of us and exposing her own life to the world. Our sole purpose of raising them young about this is to prevent our students from creating relationships like those." He sighed. "So considering that, if Marinette keeps her miraculous, we are all in danger, not matter her experience or strength up to this point."

"I agree." Rain nodded.

"What if Marinette were to cut those ties?" Mantis asked, forcing the conversation on. "She could completely rehabilitate her life here. She has already moved here to train for at least a year without any communication with her past. With her well improvement and good behavior, Marinette has already taken steps to enhance her future. If we give her a chance, she might surprise us all."

"How could you say that?!"

"How dare you?!"

"She could do better!"

"Marinette is practically a child, so it's hard to tell."

"She won't ever be right for the job and you'll never convince me otherwise!"

They all stood, screaming at each other. Their arguing was comical.

Marinette looked confused, her squinted eyes moved between each of them. They were too hard to read as a whole. They weren't completely against her, mostly Mantis, but they were extremely fired up screaming about her. If she was lucky, they wouldn't agree on her punishment in the first place or maybe she can make a quick exit while they argue. Although, she'd need to make it past security. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long either way.

"Let's just skip to her punishment!" Marinette blinked and straightened as she heard that. The room fell silent. Rain spoke. "I think we have plenty of evidence to convict her."

"That seems fair." Amethyst agreed. "After all, we're only adding to the case against her by continuing."

Auror looked over his papers, adjusting his glasses. "That appears true. Several pieces of information are repetitive throughout her crimes. Marinette has committed several injustice acts, but they have also been done over again and again during her time as a holder. Adding on would just give more examples of her mistakes."

"I'm usually against rushing such decisions, but maybe it is time to decide on a punishment." Digit said.

"How can you possibly say that?!" Mantis questioned. "This trial is hardly finished. This isn't-"

Saber held up his hand, stopping him. "Obviously we must put forth the most thought in her punishment because it will affect the rest of her life, but what do you have in mind, Rain?"

. . .

Mint placed her hand on the stone wall, feeling the room on the other side. "Now Ginger." She spoke, concentrating harder.

Ginger extended her leg in front of her, drawing a line straight back. She drew another mark perpendicular to it before bursting into a pirouette. Her shoes began to glow as she stopped and drew a circle around the edge with one foot, staying centered and balanced. Ginger closed her eyes, grabbing Lavender and Mysteria's extended hands.

"Multiply and magnify." Ginger spoke, a copy of the floor's mark appearing on their hands. "We're linked. You can now use your power infinitely for the next ten minutes." She opened her eyes, turning to the others. "I'm sorry I could only increase two of your powers. I'm new at these spells." Ginger apologized.

"We all have our own limits." Mysteria said, putting her hand on Ginger's shoulder. "Some of us train to increase our uses of our miraculous before our transformations wear off and Lavender has only worked up to three, so your helped was needed and appreciated."

"You did alright." Mint said. "We should be fine as long as Lavender does his part."

"I just wish Magenta was here. It's just not the same to be fighting on a team without her." Ginger sighed.

Mint exhaled. "Well I wish Sage was here as well, Ginger, but they were both sent on separate missions when we got back. And this isn't exactly an approved mission on our part, but working with new teams is an important skill to have."

"I know." Ginger said.

. . .

The elders had been huddled together for the past fifteen minutes, leaving Marinette to sweat over their possible decision. She was going to run while their backs were turned, but she remembered the two guards that were standing behind her. An escape from this room was near impossible and she had no idea if the council had some hidden powers that they'd fire at her if they became suspicious.

"Alright." Auror turned around, adjusting his glasses before keeping his hands behind his back. "Ms. Dupain-Cheng, we have come to a decision." Mantis leaned his forehead against his hands. "From here on out you will never possess a miraculous and that includes that Ladybug one you specialize in. The Miracle Box will be returned to us and you will never see it again."

"What?!" Marinette yelled, standing. "You can't be serious!"

"Sit down, Ms. Dupain-Cheng." Saber ordered.

Marinette complied.

Auror continued. "After the miraculous are out of your life, you must completely seclude yourself from any memories of them. Your memory will be erased of course, but you must be relocate to a new country, possibly continent, as well."

"No! I am not doing that!" Marinette yelled, standing again. "My memories are mine and Paris is my home! I won't leave!"

Saber glared at her and before Marinette blinked, the two guards forced her back in her chair, keeping her locked in place for the moment.

"It is inevitable, Marinette." Auror said blankly. "You must forget anything and everything to do with miraculous or this temple. You will live a normal life in another country, to be determined later. Just think on the bright side. You can leave all magic behind you to have a husband and create a cute little family without the stress of our lives."

"No!" Marinette struggled against the guards. "No . . . "

"I'm not finished." Auror stated. "There are a few more-"

"Cataclysm!" Chat Noir shouted before destroying the back wall of the court room in front of Marinette.

Marinette saw two shadow figures through the dust and rubble. The council began to panic, but form fighting stances at the same time.

"Freeze!" Mint declared, a mist rapidly flowing into the room.

"Mint?" Marinette mumbled.

Marinette definitely couldn't see anything now that she was blinded and a few of her senses were dulled, but she didn't care. Chat Noir and Mint were here and probably others as well. Marinette covered her ears. If her hunch was right, Lavender could be here, or maybe another miraculous involving the sense of hearing. It'd be best of her to wait for Chat Noir to find her or to finish their plan.

"Sleep!" Lavender shouted.

Marinette didn't hear, but she felt several body sized thumps on the ground that made her jump. The mist whooshed back to Mint, disappearing. Marinette blinked her eyes, regaining her sight. The council was spread out around the room, passed out on the floor, along with the guards. Marinette looked up to see Chat Noir, Ginger, Lavender, and an unknown blue hero standing before her.

Marinette smiled. "You all came for me."

"Did you expect us not to?" Chat grinned, a feeling of relief in his heart.

"No, I trusted you." Marinette looked at each one, stopping at the blue hero. "Who are . . . "

"I'm Mysteria." The heroine smiled. She wore a royal blue, skater dress with a halter neck. She had black spandex leggings, blue ankle boots, and wore white gloves. Her hair was halo braided and she had a lacelike, royal blue mask. "But you know me better as April."

"April?" Marinette mumbled.

Chat Noir eyed the small, black and red, octagonal box on the floor. He walked over and picked it up, prying it open. Two spotted earrings laid inside. "Your miraculous." He said.

"Chat Noir!" Ginger yelled, dragging a body. "Give Marinette her miraculous so you guys can get out of here. This is all new to Lavender, so we don't know how long his power will last on them."

"Got it." Chat turned back to Marinette. "You okay?"

Marinette formed her hands, ready to catch. "Yeah, I'm fine." Chat Noir tossed the box to her and walked back to the others for their plan. Marinette opened it and beamed at the sight of her kwami flashing out. "Tikki . . . I missed you." Her eyes began to water as she put the earrings back on.

"I missed you too, Marinette, but I think we need to save the chit-chat for later." Tikki looked at the bodies lying on the floor.

"You're right." Marinette agreed. "Tikki Spots On!"

Chat Noir and Mint pulled the last remaining council members and security guards along the wall. A loud bang was heard, causing Chat Noir to stop and Mint run into his back.

"Must you stop in front of me like an idiot?" Mint snarled.

"Sorry." Chat anxiously rubbed the back of his neck. He turned to where the sound came from and saw Ladybug had jumped on top of her table. She was wiping away her tears. Something was off. "Ladybug?"

The other heroes stopped to look at her. Ladybug lifted her head, staring blankly at them. "What do you want, Chat Noir?" She asked bitterly.

Chat inhaled. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Why do you care? It's not like we're aren't friends." Ladybug glared.

"Why is she acting like this?" Mysteria asked. "Wasn't she smiling like two seconds ago?"

"Obviously her boyfriend here did something wrong." Mint crossed her arms.

"But I-"

"He's not my boyfriend." Ladybug replied. "He's an enemy just like you three are." She launched her yo-yo, Chat Noir deflecting it off his baton. The heroes took a step back.

"Marinette . . . " Mysteria squinted her eyes, focusing.

"We aren't your enemy, Ladybug." Chat pleaded. "We're partners."

"I would never choose to side with a stray like you!" She yelled. "And I most certainly won't let you convince me otherwise!"

Mysteria held her breath. "She's . . . "

"I am not your teammates, but I will take your miraculous!" Ladybug pointed at them. "You all have committed acts against this temple and you will be punished!" She grinned. "Each of your miraculous will soon be mine." She laughed. Chat Noir looked horrified.

Mint felt the change in the room. She crouched and placed her hand on the floor. She felt Mysteria's heartbeat change. "You're focusing." Mint analyzed. "Do you see something?"

"Is she spelled?" Chat asked.

A flash of red flickered over Ladybug's eyes. Mysteria gasped. "I think her miraculous is."

"They did something to it?" Mint asked.

"The council can easily do a spell on a miraculous." Lavender spoke. "They know these powers inside out and know every secret we don't. I'm assuming they've thought ahead partially and spelled the Ladybug earrings incase Marinette were to retrieve them again. Even if they lost, her punishment would still be served."

"What punishment?" Chat asked, staring at Ladybug who kept nightmarish eye contact with a smile. She was really trying to haunt him.

"To destroy and forget us." Mysteria answered. "Marinette has been turned into a killing machine. She can achieve their dirty work for them in the case that they aren't present to do so."

"You all are adorable." Ladybug gushed. "I wish I had the power to minimize you and use you as my puppets or maybe place you in a snow globe, but . . . that's not as fun as killing you."

Chat saddened. "Ladybug . . . "

"Don't act like you know me, alley cat! I will kill you!" Ladybug leaped forward and kicked him in the stomach. She grabbed his face and held tight as she pulled him to eye level. Her smirk grew. "We won't ever be friends." She gritted her teeth. "I'm only a nightmare to you."

#miraculous ladybug #MIRACULOUS: TALES OF LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR #Adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #chat noir #ladynoir #the new guardian #fanfiction #alice pink #alicepink-me

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