#why dont you believe me when i tell you that that experience was painful?

[iwouldliketoeatrandy]

Its so strange to feel like people dont believe you when you tell them things.

[zizbombs]

is there a more useless fucking cape in the bay other than triumph

he literally got his ass beat in little league and instead of trying to you know, get better, he cries to his father and does magic steroids. and it doesnt even work. dumbass.

his gf (way out of his league btw), opened up about her trigger event and this vapid single celled organism responded with 'Believe me. I've been there.' What?

yeah, after you fucking sucked so bad at little league baseball you had to get fucking superpowers to contend, then when you rightfully were kicked out YOUR COMPARING THIS TO HER TRIGGER EVENT. AND YOU

YOU DONT EVEN TELL HER

AFTER SHE OPENS UP ABOUT YOUR TRIGGER EVENT

TRIUMPH????

THE CONVERSATION IS SO ONE SIDED TOO. BROTHER. YOU HAD IT IN THE BAG.

Prism is literally one of legend (fuck you legend, dont even get me started)'s personally trained capes, and im assuming who's being trained to be a leader. shes miles out of this trust fund neo baby dipshit's league. he has it in the bag. Triumph. what are you fucking doing.

if hes this bad now how fucking worse was he back then. holy shit. imagine vista having to listen to this dipshit when she has years of experience and power on him. shitty power too. Fuck you triumph.

god he's the only one who has a problem with defiant and gets bitched on it too and goes to sulk and whine about it.

WHILE SNUBBING HIS GIRLFRIEND.

jesus christ prism please. wake up.

she's trying so hard and he doesnt give a single fuck its actually painful.

HE DOESNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING EITHER. HE GETS BITCHED BY ARMSMASTER.

GET THIS. HE RELATES TO ARMSMASTER WITH BASEBALL.

LMAOOOOO.

'he could barely recognize her.'

does prism even know whats going on. doesnt say anything either, doesnt say why hes upset. while shes being so open. literally painful to read. (shes the future new york second in command btw) why are you angsting like this. go fucking talk to your girlfriend you whimp.

How do you fumble this badly triumph. brother you had it made. live it up as a househusband you useless prick, its not like you could do anything else with that shitty shitty power.

tldr fuck you triumph i fucking hate you

if triumph has 0 haters im dead

[xvxnux]

navigation : paid readings ☆ masterlist

i : "i need you to be strong now, everything that's happening today will somehow serve to bring you to me... your best version. believe in what i'm saying now: we will still have sad feelings about this, it's something that marked us and made us suffer. i need you to dedicate yourself and not give up, make plans. always have a direction! always have dreams and look for things that make you want the best for all eternity. i know things are tough and you're tired of waiting for genuinely good things. there's something difficult for us to deal with besides all of this, you know? something from our inner selves that you refuse to accept happened and refuse to expose and talk about. you're right to preserve yourself, but know that everything you put effort into doing succeeds. our secret will be safe until you want it to be, and can i tell you something? we'll never tell. know that your future will be good, comfortable. you'll have time to feel the cool breeze in your hair and have moments of peace. you may be curious about your career, right? well, listen, you'll be successful. you'll have a stable and admired mind, you can do anything! i'm sorry if i confuse you when i say "you" at some moments and "our" at others. i see us as different people now, who suffer and feel the weight of the present is you, and you will always be proud of your story. i'm in the future, waiting for you to blossom! I'm sorry i can't give you more directions about our future right now, but i'm worried about you. oh, stop apologizing! i hope you'll be alright. with love, your future self."

i see that you might be going through a tough time at the moment. the cards mostly speak about stability. perhaps you're confused about your career, and you might wonder if this reality will change, which can cause you pain.

your future self didn't want to talk about other matters; they are concerned. you'll become even more responsible for yourself and your feelings. i can see that in the future, you may face emotional challenges, and your burden is heavy, but it's alright — you'll manage well and become even more amazing!

ii : "dont worry, your cup will always be full. you will have brilliant moments ahead, so don't lose faith. there's a new version of yourself about to bloom like a black widow flower. this version will be one of the four you'll experience. no, you won't cease to be yourself, but we agree that you need to evolve, right?! in any case, be confident, your next version will teach you cunning and how to handle malicious people, unfavorable situations, and moments of pain. you'll emerge from all the rough situations, knowing how to navigate them unscathed. don't hold onto this current version of yourself; you're feeling sorry for yourself! i apologize for being tough and cold with you; perhaps it's my desperation for having lived your pain and heard your despair without being able to do much. but i believe, you are me, and i once was you! you need to understand that feeling sorry for yourself will make it difficult to leave the past behind, the same lack i felt once and that you still feel: the missing hug, the support that was lacking... the stabs in our backs and the weight on our conscience. i understand it all. when i say not to feel sorry for yourself, i mean you need to detach from this version; it no longer serves you. but if by any chance you don't understand why you feel this way, i can point out a few reasons: you lacked support and didn't receive the value you deserved. always alone, my love? always. you learned through pain to rely on yourself, you supported yourself, wiped your own tears. You embraced your inner child; yes, you are a child. but this child needs to stay, and you need to continue this journey. learn from all of this that you will still be your own support; your inner child knows how to walk and needs to walk alone, take her off your lap. your version will bring you everything you need, and it's written for you. wait to discover that you are one of the most intelligent people someone could meet. know that you will still have the power of communication; know that you will be feared and respected. feared by enemies and respected by friends! you are loving, and you need to continue to be so, you need to find balance. you want to help people in the future, and you will, but to get to me, you need to nurture the love within yourself. you will stop looking at yourself with harsh eyes and discover new spiritual abilities soon. be happy, i'm waiting for you..."

for me, it was touching and straightforward. i see that currently, you might be experiencing moments where you doubt yourself and wonder if you will reach your desired destination, but yes, you will. much depends on us and our well-being, on how our mind is doing. i see you as an intelligent person with potential, but you have been neglected and diminished in the past. there may be psychological issues that hold you back and eat away at you from the inside. fear of not finding love? nah, you will find it. even though you may not have that next version yet, i see positive aspects in you that help you get through all the difficulties you have faced. you are strong and can protect yourself from many things, but there are still challenging things. your intuition and life situations will guide you to where you belong. don't swim against the current; if you feel like doing something, just do it.

iii : "luck is on your side now, and you need to know how to be rational and think about the future, so when tough moments come knocking at your door, you don't see everything as bad and against you. the friends you have today, few will remain by your side later, and the things you value now will lose their significance. cherish the present moments and prioritize those who are prioritizing you now, okay?! i need you to wake up and be more responsible about your future, don't waste time and money! the future is bright, and you will have everything you desire, but if you still think money can buy everything... stop. i don't have much more to say for now, have a good night."

[b1mbodoll]

i love ur works so much ㅠㅠ

could i req for some noncon/dubcon with momo? her with 10thmember!maknae!reader n just sneaking up on r while she's doin something mundane and r's jus soo confused because why is her unnie doing this to her :(?? why does it feel good???? (n then maybe after she goes to jihyo for advice because she doesnt know how to feel about the experience but jihyo just takes advantage of that n fucks her too!!)

pairings: hirai momo + park jihyo x f! reader

warnings: g!p + noncon + gaslighting + victim blaming + creampies + degradation + mommy kink + virginity ment

💌: this is wordy and idk how much sense it makes but i tried!!!!!!! enjoy

debuting with twice as their maknae means you’ve been in the industry since you were young, having to drop out of school n focus on your career as an idol. you’re so innocent n its obvious when your older members make dirty jokes n ur silent, looking like a confused puppy as the girls continue joking around.

momo is the most affected by your innocent nature, her cock hardening when she thinks about how you don’t even know what sex is n if she wanted, she could ask you to touch her cock n you’d do it bc you dont realize its inappropriate.

she’s finally had enough of you strutting around in the tightest outfits, fabric clinging to your skin n decides to have sex with you. she tells you her dick hurts so bad n she needs to fuck your tight little pussy to make the pain stop. momo grins wickedly when you cry n tell her that you’re sorry but she can’t use your pussy n ur not ready to have sex.

“quit crying, slut. ‘s not gonna make me stop.” she’s being so mean, not bothering with prepping your cunt n it’s so deliciously painful when she slides in. your sobs only grow louder when she calls you a dumb whore n tells you that no one is gonna believe you if you snitch on her. momo’s torment lasts for what feels like forever before she sends you to your room with your womb full of cum.

the next day you go to jihyo, informing your leader of what momo did to you and she laughs condescendingly, says it’s your fault that momo did those things to you bc you were teasing the older girl. jihyo’s no better than momo n she forces you down on her cock, wails of pain escaping you because she’s so much thicker and it hurts. makes you call her mommy and says that you better get used to taking dicks cus theyre never gonna stop fuckin u ><

[flowerfreya]

Dr. Dad

part 1

This picks up where we left off from part 1. I am still learning how to link post and such so cut me some slack please lol

Pairing : Simon "Ghost" Riley / Reader

The reader is a 5th year resident that just had a baby with Simon who is an Attending. The reader does not want anyone to know that they are together until she makes fellow at the hospital.

He lets out a little smirk. His face turns serious for a moment. 

“My love know you don't have to come back to work so soon”

You sigh you knew that was coming. He’s been saying this since you told him that you were going back to work last week after you placed Bella into her bassinet. He was silent for a while just standing in the doorway of the bathroom. 

Looking at you. 

Assessing you. 

Trying to think of something to say to convince you not to do. 

 You had a relatively easy birth, having the birth of the baby at the hospital closest to your home and not the one you work at. It's not that you don't want anyone to know about you and Simon but , the relationship started when you were on his surgical rotation which is not allowed. You did let HR know about the relationship after you were off his rotation and the start date of your relationship officially is when you started your oncology rotation, which you really needed support for anyway.

When you fell pregnant you told Simon almost immediately. It was not an ideal time , you were a fifth year resident with little to no time on your hands , drowning in student loan debt, and you're barely making 60k a year. Simon on the other hand is an attending physician with over 6 years of experience in the field and 3 years working at the hospital. He was happy and together you let the medical director know about the relationship and pregnancy and those are the only people you told. 

When you started to show , there was a lot of rumors surrounding you.

It has to be one of the other residents , its the xrays tech baby , she always gets her patient pushed to the front 

You did nothing to dispel the talk, much to Simon’s disagreement.

“Let me say something”, he says one night after a 16 hour day. 

“You can say something , just don't say that your mine” you say 

You have an issue with being hyper independent, you realize that in fact a little to much. You love Simon but you let him know that you will be a working mom , you will be keeping your last name, and no one will know that you are dating Simon until you make Fellow , which is why you need to get back to work. 

Your mother was a godsend and also retired so when you called and let her know you were going back to work she didn’t try to convince you not to do it she just ask,“how can I help.”

 A knock on the door brings you back to the present. 

You sigh and proceed to unlatch the breast pump and hand them to Simon. He has a mini fridge and you dont trust these other residents to not fuck with your milk. 

Another this time harder and longer 

“One Second” you say brightly. While Simon glares at the door while towards it to unlock it. 

One of the 3rd year residents walks in and looks a little a pale. Lets you know that Graves is looking for you.

"Does he seem upset", You don't really care if he is but you would like to prepare how preppy you should act towards him. You firmly believe in killing people with kindness especially when it has to do with Graves who probably drinks Interns tears for breakfast , lunch and dinner.

"Is he bother you?", Simon ask. To anyone else it sounds like a normal question one of concern from a colleague. But you know he's worried he ask the question like it pains him from going to find Graves and tell him to lay off. No one likes Graves but he technically isn't doing anything wrong , he has the right to kick anyone out of his OR, to make interns scribe all his charts , and terrorize his residents until they rather to scut work then be in presence.

"Nothing that I can't handle" , you smile at him and then look to the resident that was sent to retrieve you.

"I'm right behind you", the resident turns and just about runs out the room.

You hand the milk to Simon and place a quick kiss on his lips, he makes an almost groaning sound and drags you back for another kiss , a deeper kiss with his hand tighting around your hips. You pull away with a little giggle, "I miss you too" you say , your eyes lowering that makes it known exactly what you miss.

You straighten your clothes back up , make sure that you don't look at tired as you seem and head out to another 4 hours of running around like you are fresh intern right from medical school and not a tired mom that just wants to sleep on the couch holding your baby.

[nylongenesis]

Here’s the thing about Timothy stoker

here it is the tim post

People who say tim is an asshole are partially correct.

People who say tim is ‘toxic’ are INCORRECT.

I am very strongly about this because. listen to me. okay.

SPOILERS UP TO TMA SEASON 3 AHEAD

Imagine BEING timothy stoker. After whats probaboy the secondmost traumatizing experience of your life in which you almost die if not by the worms then by the MEDICAL EMERGENCY (respiratory acidosis is a medical emergency :3) your body was put into- plagued with nightmares and the pain of your body being covered in holes and your medical issues, you come back to the archives expecting to see your best friend, That will make it all better. It’ll be so worth it once you can see her again.

And then she acts so distant. And you dont know why.

And you have just lost your friendship. The one that’s kept you going this whole time. The one you were starting to believe might have been unbreakable. And you Don’t. Know. Why.

Eventually after many failed attempts to reconnect, you resign yourself to the fact that she just got tired of you. That you were right this whole time. That she just pitied you. You still don’t know what you did wrong and it’s eating you alive, but she won’t tell you, so you have to settle with pretending to be glad that she’s at least alive, All while your boss is literally going insane and STALKING YOU???

Only to find out after a YEAR of believing you were just unlovable that this person? The person youve been trying to ‘reconnect’ with? That isnt your best friend, Your best friend dies and you never noticed. How could you not notice? But when you see the real picture of her she feels like a stranger and you realize you have no fucking escape from your horrible, unforgivable sin of forgetting your friend. Because no matter what you do, trying to look back at your memories, that *thing* is there instead. You can’t even enjoy your memories before she died.

So you sit there, alone and afraid. Angry, grieving, everything else. What are you supposed to do but make the thing that has haunted you since the disappearance of your Brother feel the kind of pain it is making you feel?

Tim isn’t toxic. Hell I wouldn’t even say he’s that much of an asshole.

He’s a hurt child.

Mentally, especially in season three, he’s having the equivalent of a child’s breakdown. The kind they have when they don’t know how to express the emotions they’re feeling. These emotions- this grief, this anger, this pain- it’s so big, it’s so much, and he feels so small, so incapable and weak, and he cannot properly handle it. He cannot cope. Especially since he’s still somewhat trapped in who he was when his brother was taken.

Now im not saying the way he went about this is at all great, but yknow. Everyone forgives reactions to trauma until they’re personally inconvenient or ugly.

Tim lost everything, and honestly i would be pretty damn similar if I was in his position! That’s DEVASTATING.

In the end, there’s such a horrible tragedy to his entire character that goes almost entirely unnoticed unless you’re like me and you’re insane and overanalyze someone based on one word in an extra audio thats not in the podcast.

Anyways, that’s why I love Tim.

[cycle-hit]

analysis of potential negative aspects of mahiru's boyfriend

i've seen a lot of people curious about why there are of interpretations of such. so. here we go (as a disclaimer, i'm writing this under the pretense that everyone already knows the lengths of which mahiru was not great in their relationship, so that wont be talked about as much as the flaws of mahiru's boyfriend. also, please keep in mind that focusing on his flaws IS the point of this post- but still try to remember that, in the end, mahiru's boyfriend is still very much human! even if i dont appear to be the most sympathetic towards him in text, lend as much credit to him as you deem fit)

1. Lack of succinct communication

the very first lyric in this is how to be in love with you is this-

she appears to be asking her boyfriend, or at least we can assume it's her boyfriend shes speaking to, if he knows what love is- because she's never experienced it herself before. there's other cases of this!

more lyrics from the beginning of this how to be in love with you, mahiru still appears to be unsure. she's constantly asking him for validation, to confirm this is what it's supposed to be like. and from the love is (un)dead voice drama:

"I thought it was fate. He said it was, too."

we can gather from this that his response to mahiru's questions was likely always the validation mahiru was craving- if he was uncomfortable before or in the beginning of the relationship with mahiru's behavior, he neglected to communicate it with her until the validation had already had a severe impact on her- when mahiru believes, firmly, that negative behavior is "love".

from this voice drama, mahiru also says it's her first relationship, but says nothing about her boyfriend's own experience. she didn't know if the relationship was good or not, but her boyfriend, with potentially more relationship experience, tells her that it's fate. he agrees with her. he doesnt properly communicate with mahiru at this point.

communication is important in a relationship. but he's not entirely to blame for this, even if he DOES have more experience with relationships. it can be hard to communicate with someone you "love" that they're hurting you, or he could've not even processed mahiru's actions/behaviors as uncomfortable at the time. however, it's also unfair to put all the blame on mahiru here- because it's extremely likely he wasn't even telling her what was hurting him. she asks him, again and again in the form of "what do you think?" "is this love?" because she doesn't know if something is wrong or not. and if he just keeps affirming that it's fine- how is she supposed to?

however, this communication does seem to change at close to the end of the relationship in "i love you"- he finally stops validating mahiru.

we can assume at this point he finally started telling mahiru that their "love" is unhealthy, but at this point- far too late, and far too little. this is where mahiru indeed shoulders a lot of blame, but you have to remember that he kept enabling mahiru's behaviors until this point as well. they've both managed to stick themselves into something they don't know how to get out of.

"If you're that kind (!!!) to me, you could die as well." (this is how to be in love you vs love is mine)

what's interesting though is- is this what directly caused mahiru's boyfriend to commit suicide? because he felt trapped? or was there more to it? is it possible he also felt guilt/regret about his own actions in their relationship? why? let's find out! onto the next point!

2. "Matching pain"

another concept that mahiru emphasises in her song lyrics is being in pain, or being hurt, even before what happened to her in trial 2.

(this is how to be in love with you)

(i love you)

specifically, mahiru is implying that they are both in pain. that not only is her boyfriend in pain or hurt, but she is too. there's also the "they're both feeding each other the cake" symbolism- they are both in pain. it's matching. as mahiru says,

it's a claim of responsibility from both of them. we tightly bound up the happiness and suffocated it. it has always been both of them, together, at fault for what's been done.

as a less presumptuous analysis than what i'm going to say below this section- mahiru's boyfriend was likely, at minimum, at fault for enabling mahiru's love and affirming her when he shouldn't have, and failing to communicate to her that he was in pain- he takes the blame of being the one who neglected to actually make mahiru aware of what she was doing, even when she asked. to the point she become reliant on his validation. it's not just mahiru's fault that their relationship turned out the way it did.

it is also worth noting that, in this is how to be in love with you, mahiru is also stuck in the bird cage, not just her boyfriend. in "i love you", both of their clothes are tattered. they are always suffering together.

it's why mahiru repeatedly states in her songs lyrics that it was "we", "us". not just her, and not just him. if this is all what happened, both of their actions are completely understandable- it is human to make mistakes, or be flawed, or to fail to properly tell people things.

now, onto the section that a lot agree is more of a reach (and is not really a main point of this post)-

(cw for implication of physical abuse under the cut vvvv)

3. Milgram occasionally seems to imply that Mahiru's boyfriend could have physically abused her.

theres a bit of evidence to suggest that mahiru is completely under the belief that "pain", or even just suffering negative feelings, equals love. to mahiru, that IS love.

she refers to being in love as "overheating" together, which isn't particularly a comfortable state to be in. she calls love a "landmine" in her first voice drama and that it "explodes". in i love you, there's a lot more of this!

every time she speaks of love, or even "happiness", mahiru invokes violent imagery, or even death. it could just be the fact that she's seen her boyfriend hang himself that causes this- but it's definitely. interesting. why does mahiru believe that suffering is love? why did her boyfriend keep "affirming" that "yes, this is love" with the new knowledge (to us) that mahiru's believes that being hurt is love? was he just unaware? if something is repeatedly making mahiru question what love is, or if this is even love- how did she come to such a conclusion that being hurt, or to be suffering, is to be loved? well!

it's entirely possible that, beyond mahirus perceptions of him emotionally hurting her, mahiru's boyfriend was physically hurting her as well.

in this is how to be in love with you, the magazine articles before mahiru confessing are perfectly neat- afterwards, any text after day 8 begins to become visibly "disordered", day 8, coincidentally, is the day mahiru successfully confesses to him! while i dont think this is particularly telling of abuse, on day 10 we get our first interesting tidbit from mahiru-

she's disappointed that he hasn't actually noticed any of the effort that she's put into her appearance! which isnt that telling, but definitely something that makes me raise my eyebrow a bit.

day 12 is our next eyebrowing raising moment- mahiru goes to his house, but-

she doesn't remember much. the same symptoms mahiru presents with in trial 2- she can't remember kotoko beating her up. she only knows because the people around her have told her. then, we have these lyrics from her first mv!

while all of these are horrifying to think about the implications of in relation to mahiru's boyfriend maybe not being the best, the one of interest for my next point here is this one!

mahiru doesnt let people know when she's hurt. she pretends she's a "good girl", that nothing hurts her, that everything is fine (which probably wasnt helping communication issues talked about at the beginning of this post) even in trial two.

there is. many, MANY concerning things about mahiru in her trial two voice drama when you look at it under the lens of "was mahiru's boyfriend physically abusive?"

when shes being praised, she immediately tumbles- i imagine its both because of exertion and because it could remind her of her boyfriend's affirmations. furthermore- this is the power of love. to not resent anyone in this kind of situation.

because mahiru likes people who work hard, she's going to accept this horrible pain too. jesus christ. this also falls into the very interesting category of kotoko's attack and mahiru's reaction to it- first off, during the attack. why was fuuta being attacked so easily noticed, but mahiru's...wasnt? i've always interpreted it as an indicator of mahiru's tendency to hide her pain and "accept" it- maybe mahiru didn't make any noise at all.

and then, mahiru's opinions on kotoko-

(ive hit the image limit, but in love is undead mahiru says "Kotoko-chan's acts aren't a problem, either. I think she's fighting for her own cause as well. So I don't blame her. Because I also think that I...that my love isn't wrong." in her interrogation questions, she says "At least, I don't hold a grudge [against Kotoko]. It was for something non-negotiable after all.")

she dismisses what kotoko did to her so...easily. she, quite literally, would have died because of kotoko- and she just...says that it's fine. that it was for something "non-negotiable", that kotoko is "fighting for her own cause". that kotoko "thought it couldn't be helped". and apparently that's fine to mahiru. she accepts this pain just because she "likes people who work hard". because "it couldn't be helped". this theory, especially from my own perspective, is a reach- but a lot of mahiru's behaviours that i've mentioned here stand out to me enough to make me worry- there's also the fact that, when es touches her-

mahiru is so vague about what the "it" is. and while i'm aware this is just how japanese is usually written-

it makes her remember how "it" hurt.

tl:dr: mahiru and her boyfriend are both equally at fault for how their relationship went, with the most positive view of her boyfriend being that he takes some of the blame for it because of his inability to communicate with mahiru/assert his boundaries or if hes uncomfortable to her.

sources for translations: 1 2

[feelo-fick]

Headcanon: Chilchuck and his Bad Takes on Literature

i think chilchuck would be like my mom in the sense that he wouldnt like sad stories. dont get me wrong, cautionary tales? absolutely fine. they serve a purpose to him which is to tell people "dont be an idiot and do this or else something bad will happen"

generally sad or angsty stories though? no point to him, and in his perspective its really confusing how people just read things that make them sad. like whats the use of reading something if its just gonna make you sad. whats the lesson? its not even real so it doesnt help anyone.

whats the point in making yourself cry when you could just avoid that entirely by not reading it at all?

but the one of the biggest reasons why sad stories exist is to let you release all the built up grief in you. to send you something to let out all your emotions in a healthy way. catharsis. empathy.

even when i dont relate to the tragic experiences in some stories, several ones ive read have lead me to realize that im in a bad situation or that im following in the footsteps of the character suffering. its like a wake up call.

and making yourself cry isnt inherently a bad thing. if crying allows you to let go of building pressure and tension in you then thats good!

but chil wouldnt see that. of course he wouldnt, hes avoidant of most situations that would allow him to release emotion, and fearful of letting his mature (read: repressed) persona slip.

hes someone that runs away to quick comforts and distractions at the earliest sign of issue. hes already been in too many horrifying situations, dealing with another is a pain. and he knows denying everything and refusing to look at the situation doesnt help, but it definitely provides a quick and easy happiness in the comfort of ignorance.

because of this, reading something made to make one empathize with and confront these bad emotions is defeating the point of his cowering. if he faces his issues, even if only through the perspective of a story, he'd have to deal with acknowledging that things are bad and need fixing, and he'd feel terrible and guilty in the moment - which of course is the worst thing that could happen to a person (his thought, not mine).

which is why i find the concept of him being/becoming a tragedy himself at the same time as this headcanon soooo interesting. imagine the irony of him bashing on the protagonists of tragic stories for acting on emotion and impulse rather than logic, when he himself has fallen victim to irrational thinking while in grief.

cause... thats what people do when they grieve. they lash out, make bad decisions, ruin themselves, ruin others.

for a tragedy to be prevented, the protagonists would have to change fundamental parts of themselves, and act perfectly rational when under extreme stress. and chilchuck holds himself to these kinds of unrealistic standards because he unwittingly believes he can handle it all.

he cant, obviously. we see it for ourselves in his relationship with his wife. they were doomed from the beginning by chils already-established avoidance and lack of emotional vulnerabiltiy (and whatever else his wife had going on).

this is all just to say that if you told him about orpheus and eurydice, he'd probably be one of those idiots trying to point out the "plot hole" that he couldve "just not looked back" and "just trusted her"

i dont understand. whats the point in reading tragedies? the protagonist is stupid, anyways. why would you take bitter medicine? why subject yourself to that?

i think its just a bad story.

[ben-marco]

feel free to delete or not answer, i dont expect a therapy session in response to this ask and i definitely dont ask with hopes of getting a free diagnosis of ramcoa trauma online

do you have any tips for trying not to feel like im lying to myself whenever flashbacks and memories / emotions / etc of possible ramcoa trauma pop up? theres no external confirmation about anything, like our parent/s not remembering us going away for a couple days for example despite us remembering being away from them for days at a time and i feel like im going bonkers 💀

This is a tough one for many survivors of OEA (and for many survivors of abuse in general, honestly). Know that you are certainly not the only one.

What helped me was knowing that when memories like that bubble up, it's likely because a part felt safe to share them with me. If I had entrusted someone with such sensitive information, it would be very upsetting to me if they responded with "That's not real, you must be lying!" But...it can often be easier to respond with disbelief than it is to respond with patience and comfort. I get it.

When memories come up, even if I as a host/ANP don't necessarily immediately believe them, I try my best to keep my kneejerk disbelief to myself. I thank the part for sharing them ("I understand this must have been very difficult for you to share with me. That must have taken a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing" or some variation) and then, if I'm in a position to do so, I try to engage in something that's grounding or stabilizing, and I ask inside if anyone needs anything or if they would like to join me in getting grounded together. Sometimes I get a response (sometimes the response is from the part who shared the memory) and sometimes I don't, but either way I try to take a moment to do something that makes me feel grounded and safe and present. And just like I thanked the part, I also tell them that we are safe now, and things are different these days.

What matters here, in the moment, is not necessarily whether a memory is true, false, or anything in-between. What matters is that a part has entrusted you with that memory and needs to feel safe. Sorting out what's true or false can come later, and a trauma-informed professional may even tell you that it doesn't matter as much whether it's true or false as much as it matters that you are suffering from it. Whether a distressing memory is "real" or not, you still remember it and you still experience distress from it. That is what matters.

I know it's difficult and painful to deal with being handed these memories but really the most important thing you can do is take a deep breath, thank that part for sharing, and then do something that reinforces the fact that you are safe now.

In the front of my journal, I've written down a few communication questions that I like to use during flashbacks or when I'm "sent" memories by EPs or traumaholders. I am not always able to use them, but I've found them helpful for the events when I can use them. I'll leave them, and some other resources, under the cut.

Communication questions for flashbacks. When asking these, I find it's important not to take an interrogatory tone-- remember, you don't want the part to think they're in trouble for sharing with you. If I can't ask these questions in the moment, I also find it helpful to reflect on them after the fact.

"Is there a reason I'm being shown this flashback? Is someone sending this to me?"

"What are you trying to communicate?"

Is someone else in a flashback and got close to front?" (If so, grounding is extra important here)

"Do you feel unsafe about something else happening in our life?"

"Is this your way of reminding me we aren't supposed to tell anyone?"

"Are you trying to keep me from doing something? Why are you afraid of me doing that?"

"Did something trigger you that I don't know about?"

"Did someone inside order you to share this memory with me? You are not in trouble. I want to talk to them, not you."

"Are you feeling ignored? Are there other ways you could get my attention without re-traumatizing me?"

"Are you oriented to the present? I know it's 2024 (or the present year), but do you? How can we work on getting grounded together?"

"Am I being reprimanded? Can it be shared with me what I did wrong? Let's talk this over."

Of course these can be added to or changed as you see fit. They are from this article by Beauty After Bruises and I've been copying them into my journals for years. You may find other parts of the article helpful as well, as it discusses grounding techniques and other flashback coping tools.

The CTAD Clinic's YouTube channel might also be helpful, and if you'd like to make a grounding box or learn about making one, MultiplicityAndMe has a wonderful video about that.

[bungoustraypups]

i just checked ur dnf criteria on ur carrd and i think what you said about mori is definitely interesting! im interested in why exactly he's your favourite character, if you're okay with telling me? /gen (i personally don't like mori because yosano is one of my absolute favourite characters and i cant forgive him for what he put her through, but i swear i dont hate people who like him. im actually very interested, and i would like to expand my view of mori)

also do u ship ranpoe?

ok so first of all: kudos to you for having a reason to dislike mori that is both personal and also correct. he did terrible things to yosano and that is canon! i'm also very glad that you're open to listening since a lot of ppl in this fandom aren't (the number of times i've been accused of being a child predator for liking mori is at least 5! this is solely from twitter tho not tumblr)

also yes i do ship ranpoe. just getting that outta the way before the mori moment begins

SO

mori is my favorite character mostly for reasons unknown to me. i just love him a lot. my first bsd fanfic i posted, which is also the first one i finished in march of this year, is a fukumori mainly mori-centric fic about the two of them having a baby, and over the course of writing that i fell deeply in love with his character, both the way i wrote him and how he is in canon.

he's so very clearly (in my eyes and the eyes of other mori enjoyers) traumatized it's almost painful. combining how he is solely in canon with the experiences of the MCs of vita sexualis and the dancing girl (i have not yet read these novels but my good friend geeg has talked abt it extensively) opens up a whole new dimension to this too.

in fact, as i've stated multiple times before: of the main BSD cast, the two who i think most likely have CSA trauma (there could def be others but this is just from what i know) are probably dazai and mori (notably, separate experiences divorced from each other, meaning i 100% do not believe mori SA'd dazai or anyone else for that matter given there's no canonical evidence to support this)

he's hot. and i like characters i think are hot (and ones i think aren't but yknow this gives him more points)

he's mysterious and we know very little about him

he's so fucking tragic as a character. a man canonically full of regrets, who never considers his own feelings but uses himself for the greater good of his city and his country, who is constantly forced to swallow his true feelings because he has to appear as a strong leader all the time and can only hope to express himself even a little bit when he's alone with his own ability? the agony and hells are real

like there's so much, this is just a few reasons why i like him bc i can't think of all of them off the top of my head but i'm happy to talk about him whenever

[thedroloisms]

like ultimately speaking i don't even think that public discussions into the identity of shubble's ex are that necessary. at a certain point i think it's up to personal discretion, especially in terms of different platforms - for example, having a certain amount of discretion when it comes to spaces where it's more likely for shubble to see. that being said, at a certain point, it was obvious that the calls to Not Speculate, to Not Bring Up Him why are you saying his name he doesn't have to do with this i'm going to wait until shubble makes a statement if she wanted us to know then she'd say his name :) were doing a shit ton more harm than good?

like, shubble wasn't making an accusation. why people were flat out expecting her to say more in itself is beyond me. at the end of the day, people's willingness to continue supporting a content creator is a personal decision - shelby certainly wasn't trying to frame her stream as an allegation with proof. it was an ancedote about a personal experience with relevant details. along that same note, taking up pitchforks and banging on the door of the person in question is ??? again, the stream was hardly framed as an accusation & proof, and that was on purpose. whether or not one believes that he deserves a platform, with the great pains that shelby has taken in order to keep themselves from directly pointing at any specific person and making a direct accusation, brigading in their name in ways meant to directly attack the person in question feels...distasteful, literally for her sake.

like, any fan is capable and has the right to withdraw their support at any time, and giving other people reasons to withdraw their support isn't wrong either, as stating one's opinion is obviously perfectly fine. but uhhhh direct attacks without an explicit accusation being made are a bit of a different story.

but back to the first point, watching people in real time go Oh Don't Bring Up [Name] Sweaty :) was ???? like, it's impossible to go without acknowledging that if it wasn't him, that the amount of coincidences between her ex and the cc would be EXTREMELY high. "there's millions of ccs in england" and shubble was spending hours a day and in the apartment of every single one of them??? like be fucking fr??? this isn't even a case of it's a 50/50 between him and some other guy just based on the number of coincidences as described by shelby's one (1) stream alone, not to mention the corroborating evidence of things like the year's worth of content they produced with each other in recent years. and like, the literal album. which meant that even with the extremely likely possibility of him being the person, people were fucking tripping over themselves to scream NOT TO SPECULATE !!! DONT SAY IT'S [NAME] !!! to the point where when i clicked on the trending tab, tweets along those lines made up at least half if not more of the results. tweets she clearly saw, based on statements by her and her mods. like, look, even if the calls not to speculate came from a place of good intentions, they were all getting swallowed up by the noise of people explicitly telling other people Out Loud not to bring up the possibility of the man who was very likely the person she was talking about as being her ex - all while claiming to speak in her name #believevictims [words they continue to put in her mouth].

like, yeah, when you're going DONT TALK ABOUT HIM!!!!! this totally looks like you care about her and her story and not like a silencing tactic.

[exauhstedsunflower]

I dont even have real thoughts. Just,

When I was 10/11 and forced myself to move on from playing with my Barbie’s because I was exposed to society and growing up and it seemed like something I had to do. Going back for my dolls one day after months deciding I needed to do something I loved only to find out my mom threw them away because I stopped playing with them. Being devastated. This reinforcing that there is something wrong with me because I shouldn’t want to play with dolls anymore anyway. The barbie movie not quite healing that wound but softening the blow when I think about it now.

Getting my nails done in hot pink every time at 12 and then at 13 getting them in blue. Painting my nails pink two weeks ago because I was excited about the barbie move and feeling at peace.

Seeing my best friend since I was 9 in pink for the first time in I cant even remember and us both feeling nostalgic and free and beautiful.

Me being 14 and my brother being 11 and him discovering the patriarchy. Him making sexist jokes. Me screaming at him. My grandmother laughing at us fighting. Me crying about it to this day, even though I’m 22my brother is now 19 and nothing like that anymore. Me seeing myself in Barbie and my brother in ken as they grow apart and then back together. Realizing that even though Ken hurt Barbie, barbie is the one to tell him its ok in the end. Ken not apologizing. Seeing us in them once again and feeling an ache in my chest.

Wanting to watch the scene where Barbie says she doesn’t feel pretty anymore and why she doesn’t feel pretty. Why she doesn’t feel like who she is supposed to be. Her face. My face as I start crying. My heart breaking as I realize that I have felt that, and that if its being portrayed here that it’s a universal experience to have that breakdown, to have a friend say ‘you are beautiful, you are enough. You’re not wrong, the world is.’, to not believe them fully, though you do accept that they’re probably right. The fact that she’s not wearing makeup in that scene. She’s broken down into her barest form, and her barest form is wrecked because the world has fucked her up and made her think she’s not enough.

Barbie panicking as Mattel tries to literally put her in a box. The people that are technically responsible for her, the people who she believes will help her, are not only not who she thought they would be, but they try to put her back in a box. Her not being able to be put back into a box. She knows too much now. She’s seen and felt and thought too much. She can’t be what they want her to be even when they try to force her. Impossible standards not even ending with people you’re meant to trust. Barbie being alone in that moment. Barbie finding a friend who gets it and not being alone anymore. Barbie not realizing that until the friend refuses to let her drown. The friendships that women make under the pressure of the world being something so beautiful and heartbreaking and necessary.

Sasha being exposed to something good and nice in pink for once instead of something hating on whatever the pink thing is and slowly smiling more, becoming herself. How this exposure can help young girls so much. Before this not only hurting herself by distancing herself from her mom and feminism but also hurting other women in the face of the pain society has slowly caused her because she has given up on herself and on society the way society has given up on her and itself.

in the end, Barbie not even advocating for herself even after everything she’s learned about feminism and what the world with do to women who let it swallow them whole. Sasha, who previously was not much of a girls girl, being the one to say “What about Barbie?” Everyone saying “Yeah, actually, what about Barbie?” Because she deserves a happy ending too. Barbie was standing in the back and out of the way not only in this scene but in most of the ending scenes actually, which is a wonderful portrayal of what all of these things that have happened to Barbie can do to a woman, regardless of how strong or empowered she was or may have seemed. Barbie, the main character of the movie, becoming quiet and contemplative and unsure, and relegating herself to the background because of all of this. Barbie being surprised to see people wanting something good for her. Barbie not knowing what she wants. Barbie absolutely knowing what she wants the whole movie but dancing around it because as a woman you are put in a box and you’re not supposed to say what you want. Even as a barbie. (“I have never wanted anything to change!” “I only ever wanted things to stay the same!” “I don’t know what I want anymore.”) but “It takes two to open a portal.” And so many more sly comments about how Barbie caused all this too. Barbie not even being proud of her accomplishments by the ending when they’re in the void. Ruth only figuring out What Barbie wants because of a comment, a self effacing comment. Barbie asking permission to be herself. She’s been affected negatively by the world, and yet is choosing to live in it anyway. As are the women of the world. Barbie didn’t need permission. But she asked anyway, she probably wouldn’t have done it is Ruth said no. If anyone had protested at all. Because as a woman she is self sacrificing and making sure everyone is ok with things before doing it. Ruth not showing Barbie life as a woman in the end, because Barbie already knows what that’s like. She’s not asking to be a woman, she is a woman, she’s asking to be human, for which life is nuanced and beautiful. As is being a woman, though in very different ways.

[valiumgf]

ok so! coping with schizophrenia/schizoaffective on low dose/no antipsychotics (I do use mood stabilizers still) info under the cut

1. process your emotions as they come!! (you've gotta figure out how you process best, journalling, visual art, talking things over with someone you trust, exercise, nature walks, yoga, writing poetry, whatever works best for you!) by as they come I mean: literally ASAP!! don't let it have time to marinate and get lost in your subconscious without properly addressing it! something that helps this is really paying attention to where and how you feel emotions (example: I feel guilt and anxiety like a ball in my chest, when I notice I feel it I know I gotta talk to someone ASAP!)

2. OK you're recognizing something you hear/see might not be there think about what stressful events have occurred recently, how does it relate? is there a common trigger (feeling, memory, situation, even a passing thought that occurred before the experience!) try to write down the contributing factors and what the experience was if you have the time! (writing in your phones notes app can quickly work!) acknowledge the experience: i saw this, it made me feel this. next try to redirect your thinking to something else! (I'll explain what I mean by this in 3)

3. OK so the experience happened, but I don't know why? acknowledge it, acknowledge what things it made you feel! now think of something unrelated that doesnt evoke a strong emotional reaction from you, redirecting thinking allows me to not ruminate and not increase emotions related to the experience which just makes me personally spiral!

4. you have better insight!!! congrats and if u dont have better insight we will talk,abour redirecting less intense experiences!!! now you can treat the mild experiences you may still have akin to intrusive thoughts! once again, acknowledge, redirect! or, if you're able to, you might be able to just redirect and not use the mental energy to acknowledge them every time when you're confident!

5. if you struggle with going outside due to paranoia, try to focus more on your feet and listen to some music or talk on the phone! I know personally the less I focus on my surroundings on bad days the less my surroundings seem looming and threatening, also if you're afraid of other people and have the confidence: offering a smile when you pass by someone helps me feel less afraid of others and from all the bs I learned in DBT "wide smile open hands" DOES work, open body language and smiles do make me feel more at ease in public!

6. STIM!! my main one in public is closing my hands tight then opening them, sadly some stims are stigmatized but if you feel comfortable it does make it easier to be out of safe spaces!

7. delusions, this gets tricky! for me, it's not about "changing the belief" because let's be honest, it's basically impossible! what helps me, in, the beginning: was "ok so there's two possibilities, 1. your belief is factual, 2. it's not factual" you want to operate your decisions and actions under meeting in the middle, and not doing anything extreme! (example: "my neighbour's are always talking about me and it distresses me": ok! maybe say hi and ask them how they're doing next time you see them, maybe it could improve their view of you! and if not, you're building a little connection with someone you live near!) (example 2: I am being targeted: "I should maybe tell someone I'm feeling anxious (for whatever reason you feel comfortable sharing) and tell someone to keep in touch with me!" it does not confirm that you actually are being targeted but sets up a safety net which can help with the pain of being persecuted without feeling believed) also recommend looking into double bookkeeping!!

[3liza]

This might be a bit weird of me to send to you but idc, it's a topic that is fascinating me today and you're someone who has thoughts on lots of other things that are fascinating to me!

Anyway, do you know anything about super recognizers? Basically the opposite of face blindness. I have it, and for a while I just thought everyone around me must be super unobservant but apparently it's actually kind of freakish of me that I can remember the eye color of practically everyone I've ever seen in my life lol

idk what exactly I'm asking of you, I'm mostly just curious if face blindness/the opposite of that is anything you've thought about much before! I sometimes wonder if it's linked to autism but from what I've seen so far it doesn't seem to be??

i havent heard about this until you mentioned it but it fits into the larger pattern of humans having varying intensities of function in their perceptual systems. psychosis spectrum dysfunction and paranoia is theorized to be a sort of hyperactivity in the pattern-recognition part of the brain, where you can't STOP seeing coincidences, patterns, and similarities, which then leads to paranoia about people sending you 'messages' which then leads to surveillance paranoia. it's happened to me and it's very weird

i experience something like youre describing and it's one reason i have the typical autistic gaze-avoidance: faces are too much information and it's like looking into the sun. i dont have the study on hand but if i remember correctly i read a brain imaging study of autistic vs. allistic people who were shown faces, and the autistic subjects displayed much more brain activity in regions related to processing information than the allistics, and were perceivably expending much more energy and stress in the perception. this would account for the autistic symptom of apparent "face blindness" being so common in people who otherwise cannot be beaten by any average challenger in a game of Guess Who, who have pattern recognition skills so powerful they can explain at length the difference between various diesel locomotives no one else can tell apart (or whatevr): its because looking at a human face is physically painful, so the autistic toddler learns not to do it as they develop mature eyesight, and then years of not looking at faces start to take their toll as their social skills lag behind because if you arent looking at a face you cannot perceive someone's expression, nor can you learn to imitate it!

early autism therapy SHOULD be working on desensitizing (without force) young children to these perceptual stress tests so they can tolerate the noxious stimulus. i have found that Adderall in particular helps me a LOT with this. i wish someone had explained to me what i just wrote in the above paragraph when i was about 4, because explaining the reasons why i will benefit from doing something unpleasant (like looking at a human face) is the only way to start to overcome the pathological demand avoidance that goes along with most autistic diagnoses: we get so fucking traumatized from being told or forced to do things against our will that it becomes a major dysfunction.

as ive gotten older a lot of my questions about why everyone seemed to behave differently than i do were answered by the observation that the majority of people are simply not noticing things. they are perceiving the world with far less detail than i am unless they choose (and/or are trained) to bring certain details into focus. those are skills that can be taught, i absolutely do not believe in innate talents or abilities, you can teach almost anyone to do almost anything, mastery is a matter of motivation, not god-given talent. but the majority of people are not noticing eye color, skin texture, and are bad even at accurately perceiving color, size and shape. they can look at a face without getting an electric shock. they dont receive a full body shot of adrenaline when a familiar voice actor shows up in a cartoon. they dont consciously hear the cat meowing three blocks away. their attention can be drawn to these things, if someone else points them out, but their subjective experience seems not to be, usually anyway, a series of clamoring and dazzling sensate intrusions which are impossible to ignore or not consider carefully. it seems safe to assume that most of the time, most allistic people only experience this state of consciousness while on drugs or otherwise in an altered mental state. when i started experiencing various drugs finally, i was able to see how similar these experiences were to normal or regular/recurrent daily sober experiences for me. while stone sober, i can get stuck in a bathroom because im looking at the tile pattern in exactly the same way someone on mushrooms will.

i think also it's important to emphasize to ourselves and to children that the human social group benefits from having someone with these abilities around. this is why the genotypes for autism are so common, and why they survive, and why we have archaeological and anthropological evidence of human settlements absolutely always having a minority of Weird Guys around who just know things but usually arent too interested in living in town with everyone else.

so super recognizers fit into the pattern of hyperlexia, hypercalculia, supertasters etc that are very commonly represented in autism. i guess i have a weird form of this where my recognition abilities will ping so hard on people that look SIMILAR that it ends up making me worse at recognizing people sometimes because i cant stop seeing their similarities.

[loversj0y]

MORE CRIMINAL WILL/GUARD WILL <333

you ask, and i deliver. this started as headcanons, and eventually turned into a fleshed-out story in headcanon form so uh. have fun?

Arsonist's Lullaby

TW: mentions of arson, blood, wounds, reader gets a nasty cut :(, a gun is involved but not technically?? used???, its like faux used, but it is literally held to reader, so, yeah, cursing as well but thats far less important in comparison

- when you first arrive, you and wilbur are almost immediately Not Friends

- he seemed to believe he was the guy on the inside, the guy who ran things, and when he heard of your arrival, he was less than pleased

- you were very cagey about why you’d ended up there, solely because it was embarrassing to tell people that 90% of your crime turned out to deal with a customized license plate, a few special brownies, and an old creepy doll you found on the beach from an old lady. 

- this made you very interesting to wilbur

- almost immediately, he seemed to view you as a rival 

- he would constantly try to get you in trouble with officer boo 

- he wasn’t a snitch, but he found his own ways to make your life a personal hell. 

- granted, though, you did the same by stealing every lighter he found. 

- the only time he’d ever felt bad for you was when he got you sent to solitary

- though it wasnt so much that he got you sent to solitary, more that he ended up getting sent there with you, which officer watson claimed was supposed to be a “bonding experience, so the two of you stopped bickering like children constantly”

- honestly, you questioned if these guards even knew anything about being guards at all

- but at least there, you and wilbur got talking. 

- eventually

- “you know, you’re not that bad, when you’re not trying to steal my lighters, that is.”

- “i will literally set you on fire right now.”

- “you have one with you?” 

- so things were better

- but not good

- you two still bickered constantly

- and you still stole his lighters

- it was one day in the yard when things changed

- there was ice on the ground, and though you knew this, you weren’t really paying much attention to it

- until you slipped in it and got a nasty cut on your leg

- the guards didnt see, they were goofing off with another inmate who’d fallen 

- but wilbur did

- he watched from a far as you stood carefully and brushed off the wound, despite your limping

- you didnt want to go to the infirmary, god knows with how bad the guards are, it would only make things worse

- so you hid it

- when you had some free time inside, you went back to your cell and just sat, holding a paper towel to try and stop the bleeding

- until wilbur snuck in, when you tried to hide the wound 

- “you look like shit” 

- “fuck you.”

- “no thanks, im flattered. let me see your leg” 

- you hesitated to show him, wary of the way he looked at you, but for some reason you were unsure of, you did anyway 

- he sat down next to you, pulling a few med supplies out as he started helping up your leg

- “you dont know how hard it was to get this stuff. next time dont be such a dumbass, okay?” 

- you wanted to fight him for that, but you let it slide, hissing in pain a bit as he rubbed alcohol over the wound

- he was mostly quiet the rest of the time, taking much more gentle care of your leg than you would’ve expected. 

- “well, you may be a dumbass, but at least your pretty looks make up for it. unlike your personality” 

- that took a mixed reaction out of you. 

- first of all, that prick

- second of all

- “you think im pretty?” 

- “i hate you so much right now.” 

- he went to leave, seeing as he’d finished wrapping your leg, but you stopped him. 

- “wait. stay.” 

- for a second you thought he would laugh at you. instead, he sat down next to you again.

- you gently tapped your shoulder against his, staying quiet for a moment since you didnt really know what to say. 

- “i think you’re attractive too.” 

- he gave you an incredulous look 

- “are you fucking with me?”

- “no, im serious. it’s one of the reasons i hate you so much actually, you’re too hot to be this annoyi-“ 

- he cut you off with a kiss. 

- you most definitely were not expecting it, but you didnt turn it down either. 

- after a good 30 minutes of making out and sitting on his lap, you two finally pulled away properly. 

- “we never tell anyone?” 

- “agreed.” 

- a week later, it happened again. not the injury, but the secret room make out session. 

- after a while, you were laying your head on his chest, the two of you curled up on the old shitty beds 

- “you know, one day, ill get out of here.”

- “and what will you do?” 

- “i dunno. probably burn another church.”

- “that’s all?” 

- “and find a way to get you out. as annoying as you are, you’re a good kisser.” 

- you didn’t think that would be the last time you spoke to him like that. 

- when you woke up the next day, he was being hauled out by officer watson

- it was a week of quiet normality without him 

- then, the new warden arrived. 

- he never let anyone see his full face, eyes always covered by a pair of large dark sunglasses. 

- but he took a particular liking to torturing you, so it appeared. 

- upon ordering your room inspection, he quickly found your stack of wilburs old lighters

- he immediately confiscated them and ordered you to solitary

- you were in there for a full day before anything changed

- the warden walked in, immediately chatty. 

- “it took far more time to break off from them than id thought, but fuckin’ ‘ell, im here now.”

- you, on the other hand, were not chatty. he left the door open. this could be your out. you went for the punch

- it was unsuccessful 

- he grabbed your hand, turning you so his arms were around you, your back pressed into his chest

- “here i thought you’d be happy to see me. also you did a shit job at hiding my lighters, im mad i never found them before.”

- a click

- “wilbur!?”

- “obviously. c’mon, you shouldve recognized me immediately. unless you were distracted?”

- so maybe he saw the way you gasped in breath when you’d seen a tall and handsome stranger with a nice trenchcoat being intimidating. and maybe he saw the way you stared at his hands for a long while. 

- so what. 

- “shut it. i hope you actually have a plan to get out of here that isnt just burning it down.” 

- “lucky for you, i do.”

- he explained his own heavily convoluted plan, going into major detail about all these wild things, including shooting him 

- “why don’t you just steal the gun and say you’re taking me as a hostage?” 

- he paused

- “i hate you.” 

- you rolled your eyes, pulling him down into a quick kiss. 

- he held you by the small of your back as he kissed you back before leading you out. he did hit you a few times with the baton, but this was more an act for the other guards. 

- it wasnt long before he enacted the plan

- as scary as it was to have him, the guy who just a few weeks ago would have hurt you without batting an eye, holding a gun to your head, you trusted him

- plus it made for a good act, you knew he wouldn’t. but the guards didn��t know that, making it the perfect act of collateral to get both of you out there

- from there, everything was easy. 

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

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Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.