#why is it that i can never articulate my thoughts and forget every headcanon ever

[lohstandfound]

brooke & jake 5 7 11?

5. A has to get B a [birthday/christmas/whatever] gift. right now. what would they get? how long would they spend thinking about it?

hmm... i reckon sometimes jake has a hard time figuring out what to get someone as a gift. he'd take a while trying to figure out what brooke would like and every time he ends up getting her a plant of some sort (brooke adores them every time)

(brooke feels like the type of person who would buy/collect something just because it reminds her of someone, so she frequently has gifts for everyone)

7. are there any habits, mannerisms, practices etc. A does because of B? anything they do because they saw B doing it, or got advice from them about it, or something rubbed off on them? alternately, are there any little things B does that annoy them?

they finish each other's sentences /j

i think they would both be very touchy- or brooke is a very touchy person and jake definitely does not complain

i like to think jake has an inability to stay still for long periods of time, and i like to think he likes to keep his hands busy so he has this habit of tapping things (his pen on the table, drumming his fingers, etc) and sitting next to jake tapping his pen on the desk for an entire period would probably be enough to annoy brooke

i have forgotten everything i have ever thought but they are siblings your honor, they 100% annoy each other as such

11. what's something A knows about B that most people don't? alternately, what's something most people believe about B that A doesn't?

once again forgotten every single opinion i have ever had about either of these characters

but i have this concept that jake is protective/secretive of his writing and such (poetry, stories, etc), and you would have to be extremely lucky to be able to read something he's written

an extension of this- brooke and jake often have shared an english class with each other. they're frequently peer review partners and brooke has read a lot of his writing. english class and writing was one of the first things they realised they had in common that did not involve chloe. and it partially contributed to brooke examining her feelings and begin to not resent jake. i have Thoughts but they are not articulating at all

(poets fic jake and brooke >>>>)

[damascenery]

alright so RE the whole likes vs. reblogs argument / "how should we engage with fandom creators' work": there have been many more articulate people than me that have talked about how reblogging, sharing, commenting, etc is the way to keep fandom alive and thriving on sites like ao3 and tumblr where there isn't an algorithm to boost things. i'm not gonna rehash that since it's already been talked about time and time again, but i did wanna go into why some of us make content to begin with.

first off, every word of what i say is going to apply to works that a hypothetical reader ABSOLUTELY LOVES. so don't come at me with the, "you aren't owed engagement, some people just won't like your art/fic enough to reblog it!!" that's not what i'm talking about here. if you don't like a work of art, feel free to scroll on by, no one will fault you for it or guilt you for it.

anyway with that out of the way, one thing i noticed is that whenever someone laments the shitty likes vs reblogs ratio on their posts or brings up this issue, they're met with a lot of hostility because people interpret that as though they only care about attention and vanity and that they're a bad person for it and like...... besties........ no.

i have friends that have written hundreds of thousands of words of fic express this same view, and listen man, there isn't a human alive that would pour so much blood, sweat, and tears into anything that didn't come from the depths of their fuckin soul. this argument doesn't come from a lack of genuinity on the part of the creator. all of us here make art because we love it and care about it and value it.

but what a lot of people are conveniently forgetting is that we make art to connect with each other. this isn't true for all forms of it, but a lot of the time (especially in fandom) ART IS MEANT TO BE SHARED. it's meant to be passed around, talked about, and pinned on the metaphorical fridge. so when that doesn't happen, creators are naturally going to lose interest in sharing their art, because what's the point?

i can't speak for everyone, but i can speak for my own creations: i would write for my oc's regardless of whether people would read it or not. but here's what i wouldn't do if people didn't engage with my work: i wouldn't push myself to write as often as i do, i wouldn't go out of my way to research lore, i wouldn't make massive headcanon posts, i wouldn't have learned to mod at all, i wouldn't have overcome the anxiety around sharing my creations enough to post them. all of my little elder scrolls thoughts would stay in my head and never see the light of day.

but most importantly, if i didn't get the engagement i have on my work, i wouldn't have the friends that i have. and fandom is literally all about that!! friends!! like, the people that frequently comment on my work and send me asks and tag me in posts are my friends, and i try to do the same for them because i love and appreciate them, and we only met because of the content we both create. that connection is why i make content, and when someone doesn't ever comment or talk to me about my work, there isn't really room to make a connection with them.

THAT'S why content creators talk about this a lot. engagement isn't the end all be all of our artform, but it's the thing that drives us to create MORE and want to be better at it. i'm willing to say that the majority of us make content because we like sharing it with friends, and those are friends we made because they went out of their way to engage with our work.

anyway, because i know the state of the reading comprehension on this site, here's a list of things i'm NOT saying:

i'm NOT saying that anyone is obligated to reblog or comment every single time. i've heard a lot of valid arguments about how sometimes people's anxiety is too high or their energy is too low to think of the words to say when they reblog/comment. i get that, i also deal with that!! i'm not saying you shouldn't engage with fandom unless you do it "right." i'm saying, if you really appreciate a writer enough and are a frequent reader of theirs, it's courtesy to say something when you have the energy. it doesn't have to be on a reblog. it can be a random ask you send them when you happen to be having a good day.

i'm NOT calling anyone a bad person for not reblogging every single thing they enjoy. you're not a Horrible Awful Monster for slipping up sometimes or whatever. this is just some courtesy, like how you're expected to tip but you won't literally go to superhell if you don't have the cash to spare that day.

i'm NOT saying every single content creator will feel the same way as me. if you make content and you don't relate to a word of what i've said: good for you, but a lot of us DO feel this way.

i'm NOT saying anyone is owed reblogs when you don't like their work. this is only about hypothetical fan content that you thoroughly enjoyed.

i'm NOT saying i don't appreciate people that leave likes. i do, especially those that i consistently see in my notes very regularly. i do recognize, appreciate, and am always happy to see you guys too.

what i AM saying is: this isn't about clout, this is about community

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[dingoat]

[I mulled over a few possible options for this one, heh, but after some chatter with @cinlat I realised I could mush some of my ancient Ahuska backstory with half baked future plans with vague species lore/headcanons and string it along into something roughly story-shaped. The whole thing wound up a lot more somber than I’d anticipated, but at least I can always count on Crow to soften the mood!] ---

For the better part of three weeks, she’d been dwelling. What had started out as the most unexpected news conceivable had led to a flurry of unanswerable questions; was the news welcome? Was she excited? Did she care? Did she want anything to do with it? But that had all rapidly died down into a sullen simmering of nerves, as Ahuska struggled with something she genuinely never thought she’d have to face.

She had a family. She’d been raised well, and loved, as far back as she could properly remember. Did she really want to go back further, did she need to know anything about where she’d come from? The thought of being connected to Bothawui in any way made her feel ill, but Crow had gently reminded her, over and over, that this changed nothing.

She was Mando’ad, where family is built on more than bloodline, and having surviving relatives from a life she couldn’t even recall changed nothing.

Having a twin brother changed nothing.

Except that it clearly meant something to… him. And the older one. Two brothers, with families of their own, who’d reached out to find the sister they’d thought they’d lost with their parents. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know them, but…

“Crow?” Ahuska tapped his arm with a single hesitant finger, but he’d already turned to seek her out. They were more in tune with one another than ever.

“Mmm?”

“I think I… I want you to meet my family,” she mumbled, eyes slipping to the side.

Crow grinned his softer grin. “Ahhh, I think we’ve already been through that part of the relationship. Was a couple years ago now, at least?”

She felt her ears grow warm, but her eyes turned back to him. “With me, I mean. I want you to come with me to… meet the family I haven’t met yet. I don’t know if I even want to call them that yet, I guess, I doubt they’ll want to either once they’ve met me…”

“Oh, psshh,” Crow made to wave away her worry with a flick of his hand. “You said the whole reason they found out you existed was from holos of the business down at the Ve’lora place, right? Not like they haven’t already got some sort of clue about the life you live, and they still reached out.”

“It already feels so weird, though. They’ve known about me… all their lives. They… knew me, a-and mourned me? They missed me, and I’ve just never known… it’s like they’re strangers, who call me a sister. It’s fethin’ weird.”

“I know, I know. And if they’ve got half a brain between them they’ll realise that too. All you gotta do is meet them, say hi to them and their… uh, heh. Hey. What are baby bothans called, anyway?”

“Huh? What, I… I don’t think he told me any of their names, I don’t even know how many kids he said they each had…”

“What? No, I meant like… y’know. Do you call them… uhhh, like how little cathar are kits, and…”

Every one of Ahuska’s nerves abruptly vanished, and the series of blinks followed by a hard stare made Crow immediately realise he’d made one of those mistakes.

“Sorry, sorry, I just figured…”

“Babies,” Ahuska said, her tone completely flat. “Baby bothans are babies. Not cubs, not fawns, not kits…” her snout wrinkled a little at that.

Crow’s manner was meek, but the way he squinted at her made it clear he was still trying to work out where exactly the problem lay. “Okay but… don’t… wouldn’t there be some word you use for them…?”

“What, like ik’aad?”

“Yeah, exactly!” Crow brightened as Ahuska offered the comparison, then immediately ducked his head as her expression grew harder still.

“Like ik’aad. The Mando’a word that literally translates to ‘baby’?”

Crow’s grin wavered, sensing a trap. “Ye-es…?”

“Not likaya? Not pe’ninr?” Ahuska continued to watch Crow carefully as she offered the Mando’a for kitten and puppy.

“Well. No. Of course-”

“Of course not!” Ahuska snapped over the top of him, with an emphatic gesture of both hands to drive her point. “Likaya literally means baby cat. Not baby person. Not baby human, or bothan, or even cathar, it’s the word you use for a little cute wobbly baby animal that meows before it opens its eyes. You wouldn’t call some random Mando kid likaya if we were talking in Mando’a, would you…?”

“I… guess not…” To the unfamiliar, it would look as though Crow were simply still grinning, but Ahuska knew the way it’s quality shifted that he was in fact frowning on the inside.

Ahuska took a slow breath, pinching the bridge of her snout. “And just the same, the bothese for ‘baby cat’ and ‘baby person’ are two totally different words. One translates to kitten, in basic, and the other to baby. Just baby. There’s nothing fancy, nothing cute about it, grown-ass men and women aren’t bucks and does or stallions or vixens, and I’d be willing to bet that there’s a good chunk of cathar out there who hate the way the better part of the galaxy pretends their own native words for their kids translate to ‘baby cat’---!!”

Despite her efforts to calm herself, Ahuska’s pitch and volume had rapidly increased, her gestures had grown more emphatic, and her attitude was positively simmering. Crow didn’t even need to tune into the beat of her heart to know he’d struck a hard nerve, but he wasn’t exactly sure how to handle it.

“Okay, okay,” he said quickly, lifting his hands in an effort to make it clear he was willing to concede. The crease of his forehead knit a little deeper. “I just would’ve thought, of all people, you might… find it kind of cute, at least? Like the way Nines…”

She shot him a look that made him shut up quick smart, then immediately made a visible effort to cool herself off.

“Let me… try and explain it another way,” she said, speaking slowly, her gaze focused inward. “One time when I was little, nine or ten years or something. I was on a trip with my buire, we had to spend the night in an Imperial settlement. We were checking in to some accommodation, just on the outskirts where it was quiet, and… you know buir’ika was a chadra-fan, right? Well, they had me and her go around to the back somewhere, and wait a while in another building. There was a nerf there, a couple of tauntauns, I think a big old varactyl even... one of the tauns had a fawn so that’s where all my attention was. I thought it was excellent, like, some special treat for me, buir’ika sure acted like it was. Anyway, it was a while later that nuvhu’buir… ah, that’s what I called Jinn, yeah? She came round to where we were with all our stuff, a few extra blankets and things, and we built ourselves a bed right there in the hay and spent the night there. I knew she was mad about something, but she never said why, at least not ever to me. I remember falling asleep hearing her and buir’ika talking really quietly together, and I was wondering why she was so upset. Didn’t make any sense to me at the time, since I thought it was… pretty much the best thing ever. I was too little to get it.”

Crow listened quietly, and when Ahuska paused, he didn’t say a word. He just watched her, offering his full attention, and waited for her to go on.

“They made us sleep in the damned stables. It was years later I looked back and realised that. They probably would’ve let nuvhu’buir stay up in a proper room, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with that. Stables, me and buir’ika, just because of our damn faces. So no. No, I don’t appreciate it when people joke about me going to a vet rather than a doctor, or offer me ‘treats’ for being a ‘good girl’. It’s not cute, it’s gross. And that goes hand in hand with asking if my species have litters, or if our babies are called foals, or if we go into heat. Ugh.” She made an ugly scowl at that. “Rule of thumb? If you wouldn’t ask a Mirialan the same question, it’s probably rude as hell to ask a Bothan. Or, y’know. Literally any other sapient species.”

Flushed, Ahuska found herself glancing off to the side, feeling oddly unburdened to have let it all out, and yet also heavy for having to unload to Crow. She knew he meant nothing by it, that of all the beings in the galaxy his intentions were utterly pure. She’d never forget the way he deflected those stuffy noblewomen on Alderaan that time.

She felt his hand envelope hers. “Did you want me to talk to Nines, and get her to let up a bit on the way she-?”

“Nayc,” Ahuska found the answer came easily, even if she couldn’t quite articulate why. “Not to me, anyway. I want to say it’s different, but it’s probably not, really. I dunno. Just maybe give her a poke if she starts on any other bothans with ‘Puppy’, yeah?” “It used to bother you a lot though, didn’t it?”

Ahuska stared out at nothing for a while.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Still sorry.”

His chin came to rest over her head, and she closed her eyes as she let her face rest against the comforting curve of his neck.

“I’m sorry too. Not your fault the galaxy is the way it is. I’m just… a little wound up right now, I think. I’m nervous about this.” “Shhh,” he soothed gently, and she let her face fall against the hand he brought to her cheek. “You don’t need to make an excuse for yourself. I asked you something stupid. Can’t promise I won’t again in the future, but I’ll always be ready to listen to you. Mmkay?” Ahuska found herself nodding against his palm. “‘kay.”

“And I’ll be right there with you, meeting those other relatives of yours. And if they turn out to be bastards? I’ll find a totally not-xenophobic way to give them a piece of my mind.”

She made a little snort, and let her arms wrap around him. “And that’s why I love you.”

[mushroom-cartel--writing]

to be [a]sundered

Summary: Kugisaki Nobara is blessed. She will never know.

Relationship(s): Kugisaki Nobara & Reader, Kugisaki Nobara/Reader

Note(s):

Here’s the link to read this on AO3! (You know the drill, extra tags, different notes, the format I intended, etc. Oh. And the comment section.)

There’s manga spoilers in this fic alongside headcanon.

So far, out of my menial amount of JJK fics, this one has probably been the most enjoyable to write. With Nobara’s background I can play around because it’s just there.

|||

“I’m going to Tokyo,” she says. Come with me.

“No.” Can’t, sorry.

Mahito touches her soul.

Kugisaki Nobara is blessed.

She will never know.

The first time she introduces you to her friends, Saori nearly gouges your eye out with a sugar spoon and Fumi spills the contents of her cup across the table.

“I have cake,” you say, offering a cutesy box to Saori who’s still got the sugar spoon trained on you. “It’s baumkuchen. An old acquaintance gave it to me for free but I figured it’d be too much for just one person.”

Nobara, giggling, just offers you a seat and asks for more tea.

On the outskirts of the village there is a shrine.

They say it houses a god that blessed their lands long ago and watches over them to this very day; they hold a celebration in its honour every year, a small share of the harvest season’s best crop is offered up to appease the god.

Her grandparents say it houses a malevolent wonder-terror who feasts on the soul of its worshippers once the sun goes down; her grandparents say the aforementioned god and malevolent wonder-terror are one and the same, born from a wish made by humans.

You laugh when she tells you the crap people have come up about your home. (You appreciate the free food, though.)

You are not a god or something malevolent. You’re you.

Not quite divine but too powerful to sniff at.

Humans cannot see or sense you. Not even those who can bottle their negative energy, the ones you occasionally see passing through the village. Usually, you have to will yourself into existence. But she can regardless.

Spirits, the weak and strong, good nor bad, fear you. Your presence sets their survival instincts off, running immediately when you try to approach them. She has to give chase and incapacitate them for you when the hunger becomes agony.

You taught her well, it seems.

Too well.

Mahito touches her soul and it burns, burns, burns.

-

Kugisaki Nobara was barely old enough to be out on her own, but her grandparents trusted her to stay safe. The village was small, everyone knew each other, word spread fast, so if something happened to her on her small excursion… Well, no one would come looking for her, would they?

It was a lie when she said she was just going out to play with friends at the park.

Nobara didn’t have friends.

All the other kids were boring. She didn’t like their company. Whenever there was a big gathering, she’d try her best to avoid them and hide from the adults in bushes.

Despite knowing this, her grandmother let her go.

She hated being cooped inside with nothing to do and today was perfect! The humid air made her clothes stick to her skin but at least the wide-brimmed straw sunhat she snatched from her grandfather’s shed protected her from the sun’s wrath. It meant her peers would be over at the river halfway across the village; people wouldn’t go back to working on their fields until it cooled down a bit later in the day; they wouldn’t see her; and she’d be on her lonesome.

She wanted to laugh to herself. Everything was coming together.

Finally, she could check out that place she’s been meaning to visit ever since she first heard of it: the derelict shrine.

Her grandmother warned her to stay away from it, lest she give her name away by accident to the being living there and have her life stolen, but Nobara, inwardly, thought it was a load of cow dung. She’d die? Hah?! It was all superstition! (She would never admit it did spook her a bit.) Besides, things like vampires and witches and ghosts didn't exist in the first place. She’d be fine.

Humming with a skip in her step, Nobara made it to the shrine in due time.

“Hello?”

“Why hello there!”

She took everything back.

You had to be a ghost with the way you snuck up on her soundlessly. You kept insisting you weren’t. You glided along the floor.

You had to be a ghost. And now you were serving her snacks and tea. Inside the shrine. Inside what was, supposedly, your home.

“Why don’t I believe you?” she voiced aloud.

You stared at her, face deadpan, and poured hot water over your hand. She watched your skin scald. “Does this answer your question?”

Kugisaki Nobara at five years old was a bit of a skeptic, contrary to her personal beliefs.

“No. Not really.”

-

11:25 PM →

You emerge from the gaping hole where her left eye was blown out alongside a good chunk of her head, something writhing and fierce and oh-so familiar.

Ah. Right. This feeling; this foreign dread dawning upon him, piercing Mahito innermost; your dull but irritated eyes trained on the cursed spirit akin to a lizard eyeing up a cockroach. You’re like him, possessing a soul that absolutely cannot and should not be touched.

Shit—that means she too—

Hahahahaha.

You don’t even need to spare him another glance. You know what he’s thinking. You know what he’s done.

You won’t be as lenient with him as Sukuna was.

But here’s the thing. Although a student may surpass their teacher one day, the teacher might not relay all that they know to the next generation to ensure the safety of their student and those around them. However, Mahito is nothing to you. Itadori Yuuji, on the other hand, is important, so you grab him and throw the boy behind you.

“Reverberate,” you intone, bearing the exact same wounds as her.

His senses are heightened a thousandfold, but not nearly are they even close to yours.

You shove a nail of hers into yourself, saying, “Plunge.”

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, ithurtsithurtsithurts, hurtshurtshurtshurtshurTshURtsHURTS.

“Quietus.”

“We’re soulmates, you and me.”

She bursts out laughing. “Like from those cheesy dramas?” Nobara asks. Because. She needs to know. Whenever she’s around you, everything feels… right. It’s hard to articulate. Her heart doesn’t rush when you graze her skin but the particular spot where contact was made always tingles with a reassuring warmth; you’re real, not a fabrication of her imagination. She doesn’t fantasise about you like the way her peers do with the object of their affections. Your very presence makes her comfortable. “Are you having second thoughts?” she jeers, poking you hard in the ribs. (She’s still bitter about your decision.)

The intended jab has no effect.

“No,” is your reply. “What I mean is that your soul and mine are the same. If something happens to you, I’ll know.”

“What? You think I’m gonna be some part of a demonic summoning ritual where I’ll be a human sacrifice?”

“Time and distance makes no difference.”

“So if I just say the word…?”

“That… that’s not what I…” You sigh and scrub the gunk from your eyes.

How are you supposed to explain the whole situation to her?

Oh, yeah, about a couple aeons ago there was a being who tore themself in two—one part immortal, the other mortal—in order to understand their reason for existing. Their immortal self would be stagnant and observe their mortal self who would continuously live, die and reincarnate, until the latter, under their own volition, sought the former out and then a conclusion would be made between the two on whether or not they would remain as separate entities or rejoin together as one again.

Your original self (you and her; her and you) wasn’t great at planning ahead, that is plain to see. They didn’t think about the consequences, they just wanted an out. And fast.

Well look at you now. Distorted beyond reason. You’re an exercise in self-destruction. You stopped considering it being a miracle that you could wake up every morning by yourself and do what you wanted: the novelty was short-lived. You want to die but you’re at the point where it’s easier to convince yourself you do not than to focus on how you will off yourself somewhere that no one (and nothing) can find your undecayed corpse because the company you keep will become worried if you let the happy facade slip.

“Never mind,” you mutter.

-

She was ten when she first saw the skull.

It tumbled from your billowing sleeve as you rummaged around your pockets, rolling to a stop at her feet.

She lifted it up. “Whose is this?”

It was a weird skull, not like those she’d seen in her textbooks. She thought of asking Fumi about the skull later, when school started back up, but the idea was literally snatched from her mind when you saw exactly what she was holding.

In your hands, the skull seemed smaller. Inconsequential. Another another weird quirk of yours: carrying around random things. Maybe it was a model? You told her to forget about it and stowed the skull away—back into your sleeve—and dragged her along the beaten path you insisted on walking.

The next time, she was thirteen and helping you clear up your home. Fumi was there too.

They’d been going through a closet stuffed full of old junk and out the skull tumbled, right into Fumi’s lap. Rightfully so, her friend screamed. It took you several minutes to calm the poor girl down, her view of you now askew. Nobara was on your side when Fumi tried convincing you whomever the skull belonged to deserved a proper burial out in the forest and you refused.

No matter how hard she tried, you would not budge.

And that was that.

(From then on, whenever you made yourself visible to Fumi, she regarded you warily before seeing the way you looked at Nobara like she hung the stars and the moon.)

The last time the skull made an appearance in her life, Nobara had just turned fifteen.

A strange pair of men were at her door at the crack of dawn, rousing her grandparents, which prompted them to drag Nobara out of bed at such a god-awful time of the day. They all sat at a table soberly, discussing her future while Nobara found her attention gravitating to you.

You were playing with a stray cat in the garden, its stomach presented to you eagerly so soon after it deemed you safe, and making the most disgusting cooing noises she had ever heard to it with a dopey grin.

It was only at the call of her name that her head snapped back forward.

Yaga Masamichi was a strange one, tinkering so openly with a corpse in front of her deeply superstitious grandparents, but, strangely enough, it was his companion, a shock of white hair and bandage, that caught her eye. The young man was looking your way.

Not at the cat pawing up at thin air. Oh no. The blindfolded stranger’s gaze was dead set on you; she saw his brow raise minutely as Yaga and her grandparents continued talking, her tools of trade that was cobbled together from old sheds and the local hardware store bared flat on the table; she watched him watch you rub the cat’s belly before you lifted it high into the air like a parent would to their child. It was obvious what the situation playing out was: you had caught on to the stranger’s sighting of you long before she did. To emphasise the fact, you even babbled to the cat, “Higher, higher! Oopsie-daisy!!” before letting it back down and nuzzling it against your face, affectionate and close.

Yaga only noticed the change in atmosphere when the cat’s meows suddenly went quiet. But the other one (white hair, bandages, feels wrong, rotting flesh and fresh) grinned, slapping an enrollment form on the table.

“You. Leave that thing behind when you come to our school,” said Gojou Satoru, his introduction earlier all pomp and a wellspring of positive energy memes a stark comparison to now as he continued watching you, all but ignoring her grandmother shouting up at him to stop spouting nonsense.

(“What drivel! My granddaughter surely won’t—”)

She went back to spacing out in your direction.

Without hesitation, you dropped the cat into your gaping maw and swallowed it whole in one gulp. The first cursed spirit you managed to catch by yourself. Your ability at masking your aura was improving. That was good.

The skull peeked out of your hoodie’s pocket, the many orbits winking at her.

Screw the rules, you were coming with her whether the bureaucracy liked it or not.

-

At this rate, she’s going to die for sure.

You know what to do.

You’re one and the same. If Mahito touched one half of your original self and corrupted it, reason dictates that giving her body (the container) yours will fix her. But there’s a problem.

The implosion practically ruined her chances of survival, reducing it to null.

Not even a high grade sorcerer could hope to reverse the damage. Bone is a special material. Bone takes time to be cultivated or to grow. For a jujutsu user, especially, a substitute of different material won’t cut it. Bone, like the soul, contains an essence of sorts, it’s one of the few natural conductors of negative energy humans can have.

Your point: bone is not easily replaced.

Kneeling over Nobara, you grab from the air the object you were entrusted with over a millennium ago for safekeeping.

“Oi, oi, oi, you. You. Freak-god-thing.” You regard Itadori Yuuji with disdain. Or rather, the lone eye and accompanying mouth that’s on his cheek. “Is that what I think it is.”

“What? Are you objecting? Or worse—obstructing?”

“I don’t know about you or the brat, but you’re gonna fuck up the girl if you do that.”

“And since when did the King of Curses grow a heart?”

“I fucking didn’t, you prick.” The eye manages to scowl without a brow. “I’m just saying… You are sending her to condemnation.”

“Says the finger shagger,” you retort. The mouth disappears; Itadori Yuuji has an indescribable expression on his face but you know he won’t try and stop your hare-brained idea, he wants what you want.

You know what you’re doing.

You’ve had to do this a few times before.

It will work.

“Hello?”

A child? Who in their right mind would—

You freeze in your tracks. It’s them, your mind exclaims. It’s them. Them. Them. Them.

… Her.

You walk up behind her, beaming.

“Why hello there!” you chime, so, so happy.

[fizzingwizard]

Episode 6 was AWESOME. Finally it really and truly felt like Digimon Adventure!!

This episode plus the last one makes me eat my words of despair over the blandness of episode 4. I’m counting that one as just a miss. I’m hoping that it doesn’t bode for the tone they’ll take with all Sora episodes though. Sora’s easy to overlook because she’s already kind, brave, and responsible - the main things the other kids need to work on. Still she never bored me in old Adventure. I only ever wanted more of her and that was my hope for 2020 Sora. Her intro episode wasn’t a great start, but guess what, she got to be pretty darn cool in this episode, and overall the tone of this ep was such an improvement on ep 4 that I’m back to thinking we will absolutely get a modern, cool girl Sora who rocks her spotlight episodes in the future. Pray with me friends.

By the way we finally got some decent animation in this episode. So I took gratuitous Taichi pics and I’ll post a couple to start us off bahahaha

Okay, so this was the much-awaited MIMI episode. Heck yeah. It’s called “The Targeted Kingdom.” Who is the queen of the kingdom, I’ll give you three guesses, eh what’s that Mimi? like WOW you got it on the first try!

More below!!

^ So I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. I think Sora is standing on Taichi’s back and Piyomon is helping lift her (them?) up into the trees so Sora can look around? They are trying to find the way to the ocean. This seems like the most awkward way possible to go about it but you do you kiddo...

See, Adventure Taichi would be making jokes while this is happening. 2020 Taichi is thinking about The Big Picture, at least as much of it as he knows of. He’s turning into such a pensive type. Yamato’s gonna have to work hard to keep his lead brooder status.

Also I was thinking... there’s a few times in this ep, and more in others, where I feel like the animators don’t show us enough... Idk what to call it, movement? The fall out of actions? Like why don’t we see them climb into the tree? Why are we zoomed into so close when they fall out? Later during the big fight scene, there’s stuff going on that could definitely be shown in a clearer, and also cooler to watch, way. My theory of course is it’s all budget issues but what a bummer.

The kids’ first intro to the bottomless pit that is a Digimon’s stomach. They have no food (seriously? in that pack of emergency supplies Sora brought by pure happenstance there is NO food??) so they go... steal some. But they don’t know they’re stealing.

Not that SHE cares.

Mimi: Bahaha... you’ve fallen into my trap! *cutest maniacal laugh ever*

^The trap

There is another trap that comes later in the ep and I’ll just say here. It’s some Jessie & James level shit. Way to go Meems!

ugh soooo cuuuute I want twenty

Introducing... Queen Mimi! Yes, Queen. They’ve upgraded her!

Honestly, I love how she’s introduced as royalty, but she’s dressed as a cowgirl. No one would ever ask Mimi to pick just one theme. Like her kimchi fried rice with whipped cream and strawberries, Mimi is not afraid to mix genres!

Like I said, the animation in this ep is a cut above what’s it been recently, which is a relief. And everyone’s appearance is so much like Adventure that I wonder why they changed anything xD But I’m just so grateful everyone kept their unique eyes. It was the one thing I missed in the animation of Tri, even though I wouldn’t have wanted high school kids to have baby eyes. But the eyes really highlighted each character’s individuality. Glad that’s still a thing even if not every animator pays attention to it.

Taichi & Sora: Were those your fruit trees? Uhh sorry? My Digimon was close to death and we were starving...

Mimi: You will starve again unless you learn the meaning of the law!

that’s a little les mis interlude for ya youre welcome

So Mimi arrived in the digital world, separated from the others, and immediately became Queen of the Tanemon. I SENSE A TREND.

Mimi doesn’t come across as ditzy and selfish as she did in early Adventure. I am not sure if that side of her’s been erased in favor of simply making her reluctant to fight because she’s soft-hearted, or if we’ll see her self-centeredness appear later on. I hope so. Right now the 2020 story is very focused on the plot and not on the children’s growth, which is a huge departure from Adventure, but I don’t think it will remain that way. I hope not at least. But I do think it’s possible that they’ll rewrite Mimi to be a bit less self-centered and/or airheady, and I’m not exactly against that. After all, post-Adventure Mimi showed her cool side more when she was willful or opinionated, and I’m on board with more of that in the 2020 show too. A better balance would definitely be a good thing in Mimi’s case.

She kind of made me think of Sailor Moon in this episode, lol

GASP! We are all Chosen Children! Mimi immediately says NOOO WAY i’m queen of the Tanemon!! But not because the Tanemon are catering to her every whim (they’re not, as far as I can tell! Though they did make her a throne!). Because she honestly feels a responsibility to look after them. Again, pretty different from old Adventure.

Pocket Koushirou returns and Taichi tries to absorb him into his brain!!

Taichi: *grunting* HNNNNGGGG!! Give me me your curiosity!!!

Koushirou: Are you Vademon!?!?!

Koushirou shows video footage from the human world that shows the effect the power outage is having. Though it’s not a complete blackout yet, some places like hospitals have already lost power and are in trouble. 

Mimi sees her grandfather, the president of Tachikawa Industries, on the TV helping people in trouble. VERY DIFFERENT. VERY COOL. I approve

Koushirou also points out that there is INDEED a time lapse between the human and digital worlds. I’m not exactly sure how different the time lapse is from old Adventure. At first, I thought it was much smaller, but thinking about it... given how slow the video from the human world was moving, it might be sizable. But I don’t think it’s as big as old Adventure. At any rate, Taichi and Sora figure out this means Mimi was on her own with Palmon and the Tanemon village for longer than they realized.

Also makes me wonder just how much time Yamato’s spent in the digital world...

Mimi feels torn between wanting to help her grandfather and needed to protect the Tanemon village! Naturally Taichi suggests they work together!

And a Tanemon rudely kicks him in the face!! Just kidding. But it was too cute not to cap

Mimi brings the waterworks like three or four times this episode.

Mimi: Alright! You work for me now!

Taichi: ...??? Okay I guess????

Yes, Princess or Queen, Mimi is still Mimi <3

So they join up and uhh... get ready for war I guess??

I MEAN HOW CUTE IS THAT

So this is the second Team Rocket trap, a giant hole in the ground. How did they dig it? How did the build that raft two eps ago?? Inquiring minds want to know

Greymon is surprisingly limber for a chubby dinosaur.

Taichi does what he does best in battle scenes: stand in immediate danger and look up a dinosaur’s bum.

OGREMON MAKES HIS BIG APPEARANCE IN A MIMI EP. I totally called it last week. Okay, technically he already appeared in episode 5... but we barely saw him okay! He uses Soundbirdmon (who may indeed not be sentient?) to mind-control other Digimon to find and apparently kill?? the children. Ogremon honestly sounds kind of mind-controlled himself but not sure. If he is, it’s a different kind of control. He may just talk like that because he’s an ogre and not very articulate...

I guess I capped this because CUTE CUTE CUTE

So speaking of rushing into immediate danger... Not only is Sora right in the middle of the right, she’s HANGING OFF BIRDRAMON’S LEG. This show is SO not promoting child safety hahahhahaha

Cute Taichi. Cuter still - Taichi and Sora tag teaming it. PLEEEEEASE give me more of this!! I want nothing more than for Sora to join Taichi and Yamato as a heavy-hitter. I always headcanoned her that way growing up. Let Sora kick ass 2020!!

^Palmon’s method of rescuing Mimi... effective, yet questionable

Capped because Cute.

Sora and Birdramon take down the blue bird digimon (sorry... forgot its name... will likely forget the name of every other Digimon not from old Adventure as well. i am a senior citizen). Taichi cheers for them and says “You nabbed the best bit from me!” SO CUTE. Come on, they are the best team!!

Meanwhile, Palmon: *screams bloody murder*

Mimi: Palmon! Noooo!

Episode 6: Palmon friggin DIES

I mean she is like glitching in and out. So it totally FIGURES it would be a Mimi ep that tells us “yeah kids we’re not Pokemon!” I mean. Keep watching...

Mimi recalls being all alone in a strange world when she meets Palmon. Btw they totally revamped the Pyokomon Village for this Tanemon village, I dig.

EVOLUUUUUTION!!

Boxing!!! Cactus!!! Eat this Precure!!!!

While Togemon takes out Drimogemon, Greymon rushes in to protect the kids from Ogremon...

... AND FREAKING SAWS HIS HORN OFF.

Like I said. THIS AIN’T POKEMON, KIDS.

Isn’t this actually darker than old Adventure? I mean I guess at least no one dies (I think? uhh...) and I suppose that’s less dark... but sawing off body parts... Idk man... I’m down with it, I just don’t know that it’s any nicer than old Adventure... hahahaha

POW! Err, Drimogemon’s drill ain’t looking too good either...

More waterworks as Mimi tells Palmon she loves her, and Palmon says it right back. Foreshadowing for Mimi/Koushirou tiffs in the future!? It was lit last ep that Koushirou tried to say he loves his partner and choked on it. Something tells me these two are gonna butt heads again ;)

Ugggggghhhh so cute I can’t staaaaaaand ittttt

Mimi decides to go with Taichi and Sora and leave the Tanemon village, Idk, I guess they’ll be safe now???  at least they won’t be targeted for having a human child among them.

Also I like her leaf bag. The Tanemon totally made it for her.

We end with Ogremon gripping his broken horn and fricking sobbing. This... does not bode well.

I want to hug him

so cast your votes, who gets the first hurt/comfort scene with Ogremon? Will it be gentle chastisement from Mimi while she patches him up with stuff from Sora’s pack? Or will it be Jou and the toilet paper you know he brought even if it makes no sense?!? hahahaha

I give this ep a 7/10 WELL DONE. That’s what a Digimon episode should be. Very close to VERY VERY GOOD.

I missed the trailer for next week so have more gratuitous Taichis instead.

[electricea-archive]

@kingofmotorcity​​ sent - TRUE LOVE ( Valentines Day Alphabet - Accepting! )

T   :   TRUE LOVE.   Does your muse believe in true love?

Nope! He just isn’t one to buy into the ‘true love’ and ‘soulmates’ or ‘love at first sight’ kind of stuff.  He views that as a very limited way to view things - like why fixate on this idea that this one person is your perfect special someone or true love? Life is unpredictable and you could have a loving, amazing relationship one day and be totally single the next day - no matter how great a relationship might seem, no relationship is truly flawless or one made of true love.  It is possible to love someone very much and believe that they’re the one for you, but at the same time, it’s something that is very much subject to change and uncertainty.

R   :   ROMANCE.   Is your muse a romantic or a cynic?

Ha, depends in my opinion - like sixteen year old high schooler Ryuji who’s never had so much as a serious relationship is probably a little immature, probably hasn’t been treated the best by the girls at his school or gotten any real attention from any girls at all, so he might be a little jaded - one of those people who definitely gets mopey and self pitying around Valentines Day, but at the same time, he’s not one of those ‘love sucks’ sort of people who wage a war on love and couples, if you know what I mean.

If he has a significant other though or even just a little maturity, I’d say that changes things because he actually has a partner he can pay attention to and focus on - he’d want to do things that make them happy and yes that includes romantic things, even if he feels a little awkward doing them at first, it’s the thought that counts and it’s so worth seeing his partner’s face light up over small gestures.

U   :   UNREQUITED.   Has your muse had their heart broken?

Not so far as I know in headcanon, I do dabble with the headcanon that maybe back in his track days he might have really liked someone a lot but that kind of ended up going to shit along with his reputation and this person just became one of many people who ended up being all of the rumors and horrible things about him and totally ended up turning their back on him.  Would I include it as part of my canon? I’m honestly not sure - depends on if Atlus ever decides to expand on his backstory more, so it’s very much a grey area for me at the moment.

E   :   EMBRACE.   Does your muse like hugs? what are their hugs like?

His hugs are fast and strong, but lasting and always there for whoever needs them - just like he is!

L   :   LOVE.   Who does your muse love?

In canon? His Ma, his friends, his teammates - even a platonic, brotherly sort of love for his former track teammates.  On this blog, he has had a chance to experience many relationships both platonic and romantic and as I don’t want to make this giant post even bigger by listing them all (I’m sure I’d forget some anyway), he loves all of these people that he’s had the chance to forge unique bonds with, he loves that they get to be a part of his life, and he a part of theirs.  They’re all special and unique relationship to him.

O   :   ODE.   Does your muse have a way with words?

Absolutely not - he’s never been a romantic or one to spin purple prose and if he does try, it becomes plainly obvious that he’s trying way too hard and has no idea how to speak ‘smoothly’ - his sweetest and most articulate moments come from when he is speaking simply from the heart.

V   :   VALENTINE.   How does your muse feel about valentine’s day?

If he’s single - then it’s an extra kick in the gut, another reminder of his unpopularity with girls, loneliness, single woes - all of that fun stuff that I’m sure everyone’s dealt with.  Sometimes when you’re surrounded by happy couples or even just hearts and flowers, it’s hard not to just feel the blues.

If he’s with a partner it’s much better as it’s not so much of a mockery of him anymore but a reminder of his special relationship with someone.  Doesn’t mean he goes all in on the Valentines Day culture though - yes he’ll do the flowers and teddy bears, but it doesn’t mean that he’ll reserve this one grand romantic gesture or save all of his appreciation and affection for just one day.  Why shouldn’t every day be an excuse to show his partner how much he loves them?

E   :   EMBRACE.   Does your muse like hugs? what are their hugs like?

His hugs can be tight, yet also gentle, say everything and yet saying nothing at all - they are spur of the moment or sometimes carefully calculated, depending on the circumstances.  No matter what, they all come from his heart.

[notquiteaghost]

there isn't enough nonbinary jon sims content, here is... well i started writing this as headcanons but this is really a not!fic about nonbinary jon sims. it’s 3′300 words

it contains: nonbinary trans masc autistic jon, jongeorgie, lesbian georgie, trans guy martin & tim, trans woman sasha, team archives trans solidarity, and not-insignificant amount of internalised transphobia and references to misgendering & general cis people bullshit

(also ftr i am heavily basing jon's experiences here as a nonbinary autistic person on my own experiences as a nonbinary autistic person) (this is like 80% projection) (what else is fandom for!)

also on AO3 if you prefer your 3k of bullet points to have better spacing

tiny baby [jon] who knows she isn't very good at being a girl but doesn't have the words to articulate why

her grandmother thinks kids clothes should be durable and practical so even tho jon is not a kid who climbs trees or plays football, her wardrobe is exclusively straight jeans & 'boys' t-shirts & large jumpers

she keeps her hair roughly shoulder length because that's the length it's always been but strangers still 'mistake' her for a boy a lot. this makes her feel a way she again hasn't got the words for

when she starts secondary school she continues to dress 'masc', never starts wearing makeup, never gets any interest in dating, generally fills out the checklist for everyone else assuming she's a lesbian

she knows she's definitely not a straight girl, so she shrugs and decides sure, she's a lesbian. it's a moot point, mostly, seeing as even if she did have any interest in dating she's the only gay person her age she knows

but she does get involved in some community support stuff – she spends a lot of time in the library as a teenager, and one of the librarians is a lesbian who takes jon under her wing a bit

coffee mornings and book clubs and things like that. sixteen year old jon and a dozen queer women all in their late twenties at the youngest. they joke a lot how often they forget jon isn't also a thirty-something

(this is that autism feel of having no interest in your peers but getting on great with adults)

and then she goes to uni, and then she meets georgie

georgie is a Very Out lesbian. she goes to clubs, she's heavily involved in the lgbt society, she has a rainbow flag hanging in her bedroom window. yknow.

jon likes her a lot, and still isn't really sure if it's romantic or not, but assumes that's more due to being gay than anything else

(no one has told jon about asexuality yet)

so when, one night when they're meant to be studying in georgie's room but instead are mostly drinking shit cheap wine and complaining about their professors, georgie looks at jon with this soft look on her face and asks to kiss her, jon says yes

and then they date

they're both living in one of those massive student houses with a thousand bedrooms crammed everywhere and only a kitchen for a communal space. georgie has lived there since coming back to finish first year, and jon moved in halfway through second year after a somewhat disastrous flatmate situation

so after they graduate, moving in together seems like the natural progression of things even tho they’ve only been dating for two months

jon is still, when asked, identifying as a lesbian and using she/her, but is also still dressing what other people now call butch. she always feels kind of weird about that term, but again, just chalks it up to the mess of complicated feelings being a gnc lesbian does genuinely involve

and then, finally, jon meets some actual trans people

jon has, circumstantially, known trans people. thanks to georgie, jon goes to a lot of lgbt soc things, and is passingly familiar with most of the lgbt people on their campus

but there’s a big difference between nodding at someone when you see them in the library and having an actual, proper conversation about gender

so, jon goes to a lot of social events because georgie does. without georgie, jon would probably not leave the house except to go to work and to the library (jon is not doing postgrad. jon’s library habits do not particularly reflect this)

mostly at these events, jon sits in the corner and reads, and only talks to other quiet antisocial people, while georgie circles back periodically to report on her social butterfly escapades

and at one, one of the other quiet antisocial people is a trans guy

he’s called harry, and he asks about the book jon is reading, and after they’ve been talking a while he says, “sorry, you probably get this a lot, but what pronouns do you use?���

jon just blinks at him and says “what”

“well, i’m trans, so i’m always really cautious about assuming,” harry says, easily, and this does not answer the question jon was asking

jon.exe has crashed

she(?) eventually says, “uh. she? i’ve never– she”

and harry, who has spent the last forty minutes discussing dante with jon and is already sure they’re going to be friends, says “want the trans 101? you’re making a face like you need it”

three hours later georgie finally reappears with the intent to actually interrupt (she’s drifted past periodically, but jon was always deep in conversation with harry, so she left them alone) and get going, and jon gets harry’s email address and is then very quiet as they walk arm-in-arm back to their house

just as they turn onto their street, jon says, “i, ah. i think i might be trans?”

georgie, who has for the past couple months been having something of a crisis after realising she definitely loves jon but she isn’t in love and she can’t figure out why, says “oh thank god”

jon, very bemused, “that wasn’t the reaction i was expecting”

“i think we should break up,” georgie replies, and jon stops walking. they’re four feet from their front door, but it’s late, no one’s about, so georgie decides sure, they can have this conversation in the street

“you– because i’m trans?”

“i love you, i really do,” georgie steps closer, takes jon’s hands in hers, “but i’m not in love with you. and it was driving me crazy trying to figure out why, but if you’re not a girl–”

“i can’t tell if i should be offended by this or not,” jon says, somewhat dazed, “i’ve been trans for an hour, georgie, i don’t know if this is transphobic yet”

georgie laughs, and presses a kiss to jon’s cheek, and says “it’s nearly midnight, we both have work tomorrow, let’s table this for later. we can look up names and what word i should use when i complain to other people how you always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor when we aren’t both on the verge of passing out”

and that sounds reasonable, so jon nods, and kisses georgie on the mouth, and then they go inside

the next day jon stops by the library on the way home from work and checks out almost every baby names book they have. georgie comes home and he’s sat at the kitchen table making a spreadsheet

“you don’t have to make it this complicated, you know,” she says, hooking her chin over his shoulder to read what he’s already got. the spreadsheet has a lot of columns.

“it’s my name,” he retorts, and she hums agreeably, then points to ‘jonathan’, which has relatively few ticks in any pro columns (god, this nerd), and says, “isn’t that your grandfather’s name?”

it is. he doesn’t talk about his grandfather a lot – doesn’t talk about his family a lot full stop, but she knows, even though he died when jon was still a toddler, the stories his grandmother told had a significant impact

“my parents didn’t name me after anyone,” jon says, quietly

georgie nods. she doesn’t say they’re not here now to offer an opinion, because that’s far harsher than jon deserves to hear, and it’s not like she ever needs to remind him of it either. he’s definitely already beating himself up for taking so long to come to this realisation there’s no one left around to tell him how they’d have reacted

“i think it suits you,” she says instead, and jon nods, and then she moves away to make a pot of tea and some pasta (it’s technically jon’s night to cook, but she was anticipating coming home to find him already hyperfocused beyond the point of no return)

a week later, jon looks up from the spreadsheet to where georgie is curled up on the sofa reading and says “ugh, fine, you win, you were right”

(georgie hadn’t pressed her point any further, jon is just like that)

“jon?” she asks, and he makes an exasperated noise and nods, then closes his laptop dramatically and stands. most of his spine pops when he stretches

“this calls for celebration” georgie says, also standing, “franco’s or monsoon?”

“franco’s. i’m going to eat a pizza the size of a car”

so then jon is actually going by jon, and using he/him, and isn’t dating georgie anymore but is still living with her and spending most of his time with her and factoring her into all his major decisions

he talks to harry, and other (binary) trans people, and reads a lot of blogs, and after a few months gets a referral to charing cross gic

by the time he starts at the magnus institute, he’s had top surgery and has been on T for years, and passes as cis completely, and he doesn’t know how to articulate it but this is. bothering him.

he’s not exactly… he likes being stealth, he doesn’t need to flaunt his personal life. he can understand the impulse, but he doesn’t share it. his feelings about gender and romance are no one’s business but his own

but. everyone assuming he was a girl itched – being miss simms, georgie’s girlfriend, she, it felt like wearing a coarse knitted jumper. it was exhausting

and, for a while, everyone assuming he was a man was a relief. it didn’t make his skin crawl, it didn’t make him want to scream, it was nice. it felt good.

it didn’t feel right. but it didn’t feel bad, either, and jon has never been gendered in a way that felt right. he thought that was just part of being trans

except. he moves to london, and he starts at the magnus institute, and he wears shirts and slacks, and the long skirts and patterned dresses some of his colleagues wear keep catching his eye the way men in three-piece suits used to, and that terrifies him

he was lucky, in a way, having no family left to care when he transitioned – if anyone reacted negatively, he could just cut them out of his life, and his social circle was already queer enough that was hardly necessary

but that doesn’t mean he escaped internalising a whole swathe of shit about what being trans should mean and how he should act and what he should want and if he wants to wear skirts then is he even a man? was he making it up all along after all?

naturally, he deals with this by ignoring it. he’s a man, men don’t wear skirts, he doesn’t wear skirts, that’s that.

he manages to keep that up until he’s made head archivist, and he’s given three assistants who are all also trans

(he doesn’t know if elias did it on purpose. elias knows he’s trans, of course, because he’s never bothered to get the name on his diploma changed, but the way elias reacted lead jon to assume elias may also be trans. and if that’s true, then selecting only trans people for the archives staff feels like a kindness more than anything)

and, the thing about them all being trans, is even if jon and martin are both rather fond of being stealth, and sasha and tim aren’t used to being out at work, and none of them are exactly friends, they’re the only people who ever come in the archives, so the archives very quickly becomes the Safe Trans Zone

they all vent a lot about cis people. sasha will walk in and the first words out her mouth will be “the next person to ask me if i’d had the surgery is getting their own surgery when i cut their tongues out”, and tim will make a commiserating noise and offer her the pack of donuts martin brought in

so when, on one of the rare afternoons when jon leaves his office to lean against tim’s desk and brainstorm organisational system ideas, martin walks back from the break room upstairs with a scowl and says, bitterly, as he sits back down, “oh so when cis guys wear nail polish it’s inspiring and breaking down gender roles but when i wear nail polish, jenny from HR gets to side eye me and ask if that means i changed my mind, because surely i’m the one who’ll do that and not all the men who didn’t have to do hours of therapy to establish they are definitely, one hundred percent for sure a guy!”

tim and sasha both make the standard commiseration noises, and sasha says something about the supervisor at her last job trying to say it wasn’t appropriate for her to wear trousers, and jon stops listening and runs away moves back to his office

he hadn’t noticed martin is wearing nail polish, is the thing. or, he had noticed it, but he hadn’t thought about it, and now he’s thinking about it. he’s thinking about it a lot

martin had– martin is a guy. martin is definitely a guy, if something of a feminine-leaning gay guy, the kind of feminine-leaning no one ever questions in cis guys, and it hadn’t occurred to jon to question martin, either, even though he’s trans, and. and.

he’s still circling round a revelation he can’t quite make himself have an hour or so later, when martin sticks his head round the door

“you, uh. you alright?” martin asks, incredibly tentatively. it says a lot, jon thinks, about how nice martin is, that he’s asking even though there’s a 90% chance jon will tell him to fuck off “you kind of disappeared abruptly, earlier. i didn’t upset you, did i?”

jon stares at him for a long moment, then says, “can i see your nail polish?”

“oh!” martin’s cheeks flush, just slightly, as he steps inside the office and lets the door shut behind him “uh, yeah, of course. it’s a little chipped, now, but, yeah”

martin’s nail polish is a light, pastel blue. it’s neat, and even, though his nails aren’t that long, and jon thinks he remembers martin saying something about mostly painting his nails to try and get himself to stop biting them. jon’s never really gone for nail polish, but it’s. nice.

“it’s, uh. it’s a good colour, on you,” he says awkwardly. martin flushes even more

“oh, um, thanks? did– are you alright?”

if jon was a different kind of person, this is where he’d open up to martin, and this would be the beginning of them becoming actual friends

jon is jon, though, so he just shoves all his emotions back in the box they escaped from, nods, and says “i didn’t sleep that well, is all. not really up to socialising”

(an aside about s1 jonmartin dynamic: jon is very good at shittalking martin when martin isn’t around, but in the face of martin’s genuine care and concern, he defaults back to a far more friendlier tone than he’s aiming for. he knows, on a level, that he and martin could be good friends if he ever got his shit together, but that is something else he’s currently repressing. he doesn’t need friends! he isn’t desperate for social contact at all! what’s loneliness!)

martin says “ah, okay, i’ll just– i’ll leave you alone, then”, and then jon makes himself focus on work, and then when he gets home he opens the group chat he’s still, thankfully, in with the trans people who got him through his first gender crisis and sends ‘help i don’t know if i’m a guy after all’

three people immediately send back a link to nonbinary.org

and that’s the rest of jon’s evening

he reads through every article. he reads several articles multiple times. he opens several new tabs, and gets a notepad to make a list of books, and eventually remembers to reply in the group chat

a week later, he bites the bullet and writes an email to georgie

nothing long, just, they still tell each other about big life events

and then, another couple weeks after that, when martin brings him tea, he says, “ah, martin, could i– do you have a moment?”

“of course,” martin says, and lets the door swing closed again, “what do you need?”

“i, ah. this isn’t very professional, so, you don’t– you are perfectly welcome to say no, of course, but i. um. would you– come clothes shopping with me?”

(ideally, jon would have asked georgie, but as much as he loves her (still), they haven’t talked properly in years, and she is cis. the best cis person he knows, but still a cis person. and he’d just, rather have a trans person, for emotional support, and no one in the group chat lives particularly nearby anymore) (or, well, some of them are, but when he asked they all told him to get over himself and ask one of his ‘lovely’ coworkers)

(why does he ask martin and not sasha?) (well, dear reader, he is nursing the beginnings of a crush) (not that he knows it. but that’s absolutely what’s happening here. martin is sweet and lovely and jon definitely finds him annoying and overbearing. yes. nothing else. no other emotions.) (his chest feels all weird when martin smiles because he doesn’t like him. that always happens around people he dislikes.)

“oh!” martin says, surprised. “uh, yes, of course, is– is there an event or something…?”

jon takes a moment to stare at the wall above martin’s head before he makes himself say, “i. am non-binary, and i need– different clothes.”

“oh, god, have we been–”

“no, no, this is a, a very recent development. he is still fine,” jon says, quickly, then pauses, then adds, more haltingly, “i think. i might, if – they, as well, maybe? just, to see”

“of course. d’you want me to tell tim and sasha?”

martin, jon thinks, is maybe not all that bad “yes, please”

“cool,” martin smiles, “i’m free this weekend? for shopping?”

“this saturday would be good, yes”

and then jon and martin go shopping! it’s probably not that successful of a shopping trip, because it takes jon like four shops before they admit what exactly it is they’re looking for, but they go to several charity shops and have fun trying to one-up each other with the most ridiculous/inexplicable item of clothing, and at the end of the day jon has three skirts (a knee-length black a-line skirt, a full-length black skirt, and a full-length black skirt patterned with red flowers), two necklaces, and a skater dress they probably can’t get away with wearing to work, but they really liked the way the skirt moved when they spun

other things that happen include lunch at a cafe where the staff definitely think they’re on a date and only martin notices and also martin is dying, both of them only managing to walk past a secondhand bookshop twice before they cave and go inside, and then emerge half an hour later both holding three books (two poetry anthologies and a sci fi novel; a psychology book and two history books), and martin somehow talking jon into trying on skinny jeans and then, again, leaving this mortal coil

jon doesn’t buy the skinny jeans, which is for the best really

the first time jon wears one of the skirts to work, sasha does a victory lap around the archives because “hell yes skirts are so much more comfortable, and now you swish! tim you should get a skirt. skirts for archives uniform”

and jon is still a prickly antisocial bastard but now he’s an outly nonbinary prickly antisocial bastard, and sometimes they walk into the archives at 2PM smelling of tobacco and holding a bottle of vodka, and then the archives staff all do shots and dramatic readings of the most ridiculous fake statements, because sometimes that’s how you cope with cis people, and that’s! valid!

[uillanelle]

Remus Lupin Fluffy Alphabet

Since I started writing about Remus, a lot of headcanons have emerged. What he’s like as a person, what his interests are, what he’s like as a boyfriend/husband....so I decided to write them! I may do the NSFW alphabet someday - but for now enjoy some Remus Lupin goodness! 

p.s - The guy in the gif is Shaun Evans. I didn’t come up with this fancast - I saw someone post about it and I hopped on the bandwagon!

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?) Remus loves to see you happy, so that moment just before you smile when your eyes crinkle and your mouth twitches just before you grin - that is what he finds attractive. Physically that is.  He’s also attracted to a kind soul, a person with a wicked sense of humour, but most of all - someone he thinks is out of his reach.  You’re attracted to Remus’ wit. People seem to forget that, though he may be slightly more reserved than James and Sirius, he’s still a marauder through and through. He’s normally very articulate but in the moment, he’ll blurt out a joke or a sexual innuendo under his breath. Why, you have no idea, you love his sense of humour. You wish more people appreciated it. 

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

He wants a family, but there’s so many reasons why he can’t. The constant fear of passing on his condition to his child, burdening both you and the baby. As well, even if his offspring wasn’t cursed like him, they’d be tarred with the same brush because their father was.  It’s not just the curse - Remus’ low self esteem has him doomed to think that he doesn’t deserve a family, that no child should have the misfortune of sharing his DNA. He thinks his desires to have a child, to have your child are selfish. So babies don’t happen right away.  They happen during the second wizarding war, when the two of you are a little older and you’ve managed to convince him that any baby would be lucky to have Remus as their father - because it’s absolutely true.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Cuddles with Remus are wonderful because there’s no set formula. There are days when you’re cooking and he’ll wrap his arms around your waist from behind and rest his chin on the top of your head. Those quick hugs are a lovely surprise and the result of him being unable to simply watch you from a distance...he has to be near you.  His favourites are in the evening, when you’re cuddling on the sofa or in bed. Your head is on his chest, one hand is tracing circles over your stomach, while the other is draped across you, holding your forearm in place. Sometimes his hands will move to play with your hair, or they’ll stay firmly in place - just happy to be near you. 

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

He wants to give you the best, but because of his condition - he can’t really afford what he thinks is the best. Fortunately for you, you just enjoy spending time with him. Sometimes he’ll cook for the two of you and you’ll enjoy a candle lit dinner with the radio playing softly in the background. You’ll talk and laugh about your day and be happy to be in each other’s company. 

You like to surprise him with a picnic every now and then. The two of you love food, so you’ll pack everything. You introduced Remus to chocolate spread sandwiches on a picnic - he lists it as one of the best things you’ve ever done:  “I married you Remus, surely that’s more important?” “Were our wedding rings made out of chocolate?”!  *you roll your eyes at him - he’s ridiculous*

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

To describe his love for you, Remus would probably use a quote from one of his favourite novels. But you really are his everything. Before he met you his life was dictated by the moon, there was little else. You taught him that there was more to be happy about and that you should enjoy every bit of life. 

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

Remus would never rush into a relationship, he’d have to be friends with the person and care about them deeply first. So he knew that he loved you very early on. It was winter and he was talking to you about happier times in his childhood, how much he enjoyed winter and Christmas. You loved it when he talked about his past, he did it so rarely. The scene was set perfectly, the fire was crackling, the two of you shared a blanket and had a hot chocolate each; you clung to every word as he spoke. 

You’d tease him and gush at how cute Remus must have been as a child. Mid joke, the two of you noticed you had a squirty cream moustache from the hot chocolate. He knew then that this person in front of him, this ridiculous, adorable person was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Definitely. There are a lot of “is this okay” in the relationship from hand holding to sex. He doesn’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, of course. Kisses are slow and teasing and the hugs are warm and loving. There are times that Remus is more demanding and things can get a little heated, like when it’s closer to the full moon - or when you remind him that you’re not made out of glass. You like how delicate he is with you, but it isn’t needed all the time. 

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

His hands are a little larger than yours, but really you like it when your fingers interlock. It shows how close you are with one another.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

When he first saw you he was taken in by how wonderful you looked. That wasn’t what drew Remus in of course, when the two of you first spoke he picked up on your sense of humour and that you were an incredibly caring person. 

When you first met Remus, you saw a slightly introverted man that was often overlooked by those who saw his friends first. Let’s be honest, Remus is the George Harrison of the Marauders. He’s brilliant and extremely talented, but you have to be paying attention and willing to look past the obvious to really see it. 

You saw his scars, they intrigued you - but not enough for you to plague him with questions about them. They were his story to tell, when he was ready.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Remus gets jealous every so often, but he’s not very loud about it. He can huff a little, but really if he’s jealous he’ll just watch silently. He’s wondering if he ever deserved you in the first place. Those situations are rare though. In truth he gets jealous of silly things. Once he saw you extremely over affectionate with a cat and he found himself pouting when he saw the love in your eyes for an animal. 

Once he got jealous of an ice cream that you were eating. Yeah, that was an interesting conversation. 

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

Remus initiated the first kiss, it seems unlikely - but it’s true. He sees himself as a selfish man. The two of you were alone, and his mind was stuck on the same thought, going over how beautiful you were. Repeatedly. He couldn’t voice it, but the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became. Then you said something that showed just how much you cared about him without explicitly saying just how much - and his lips were on yours in a flash. It ended as soon as it had begun, and Remus was stumbling out an apology, rambling on about how you deserved better until you put a finger to his lips - only to remove it and kiss him back. 

After that his kisses are, like I said before, slow. Remus John Lupin is a bit of a tease, not that he knows it. He just wants to enjoy you and he doesn’t think he should rush.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

You did. This time he needed confirmation before he could say those very important words. You'd had an awful day and he was doing his very best to make you feel better. He put on your favourite film, cooked a meal that he knew you loved (though he did offer to buy a takeaway first - you refused.) he helps you into your pyjamas, gets out the blankets and the two of you just spend the night doing whatever you want. 

You could talk about what happened, talk about anything other than that...or not talk at all. You’re halfway through the movie, sitting in silence, when it all suddenly makes sense to you. Remus never said that he loved you, but he’d been showing you that he did for such a long time. Your terrible mood was slowly slipping away and you admitted to him right there and then. 

“I love you.” 

He froze for a moment, the patterns he’d been tracing lazily on your arms stood still. He kissed the top of your head and you could feel his smile, 

“I love you too.” 

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

There’s no specific memory to think about really. The two of you enjoy a kind of domestic bliss. Although, when the wizarding war pulls him away from you, and you spend months apart as he’s on a mission to infiltrate the werewolves in an attempt to bring them on side - there are a few memories he enjoys. 

Slow dancing at James and Lily’s wedding and both deciding that one day you want the exact same thing as the Potters. Love, a home, a family - all of it. 

Hearing your laugh as he teased you, making breakfast together, spending mornings in bed....it’s the little things he misses. 

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Remus will spoil you with flowers and chocolates...but it’s not by conventional means. The flowers are ones that he’s picked fresh out of the ground because he can’t really afford to spend the little money he has on flowers (You agree with him of course) - sometimes he’ll steal a few from a garden not too far away and pepper them with lavender and daisies grown in fields to make it look like a perfectly constructed bunch. 

The chocolates are from his own collection, it must be love if he let’s you share. 

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?) 

Yellow. Which seems ridiculous really, but there’s a reason behind it. Once you bought a packet of sunflower seeds and decided you’d both take part in a sunflower race. Who’s flower would grow the tallest? The winner got whatever they wanted (Within reason.) from the other person. 

The two of you never thought of yourselves as competitive people, until the race. From that day on the two of you would boast about your sunflower’s height as if it was your own child. 

Months have passed and the flowers that once bloomed are long since gone but a flash of yellow is all either of you need to be reminded of your other half.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Remus is old fashioned. He calls you love or dear. It just shows how much he enjoys domestic bliss with you. 

He doesn’t need a pet name from you. He loves the way you say his name, and he loves the way you call him moony. You only ever say it in a sing song voice when you’re trying to get his attention (you had it the first time, but he pretend to ignore you just so he can hear you say it.) - but it gives him this sudden warmth and sense of happiness just to hear you.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Slow dance. When the wireless or your record player is bumbling through an old song, you could be doing anything and out of nowhere Remus will pull you into his arms - and you’ll slowly begin to dance around each other. Neither of you are brilliant dancers, but swaying side to side in your living room or kitchen in your pyjamas is possibly the most romantic Remus has ever been. 

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

On a rainy day there isn’t much to do, except read. Remus couldn’t date someone who had an interest in books, even if his tastes didn’t line up with yours. You’d read with the radio humming in the background and eventually you’d swap notes. If you read a brilliant or trashy line, you wouldn’t ask him to stop and listen - you’d just say it out loud. He’d look up from his book and chortle or nod along in agreement. If a character said something ridiculous, he’d tell you about it and you’d launch into a discussion about it. 

Eventually the book would be long forgotten and you’d have gone from talking about how daft it was that Lydia Bennet went off and married so young to how you wouldn’t really mind getting married in weather like this - even if your dress got wet. To which Remus would reply that there are charms to stop that kind of thing. 

“Don’t ruin it, Remus.” 

“I hope it doesn’t rain on our wedding day.” 

“I didn’t realise we were getting married.” 

“Don’t be silly (y/n) of course we are...I-er- if you want that is, some people never get married and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever known a werewolf to marry-”

“Shut up Remus, of course I’ll marry you.”

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

I already talked about what Remus will do to cheer you up, but let’s talk about how Remus would be cheered up. 

It’s 31st October. The day all his friends were taken from him. He doesn’t express his anger outright, but for a few days he’s been quieter than usual, a little more withdrawn. You knew why of course. 

Instead of burying those feelings in the sand, you’re determined to work through his problems. You refuse to forget James, Lily, Sirius and Peter (at the time neither of you knew of Sirius’ innocence and Peter’s guilt.) - so in the evening - you run him a bath. When he finally emerges in his pyjamas, the two of you get into bed and you talk. 

He shares memories of ghosts that linger more than once a year, but on this one day they’re almost real. He talks about happier times, old pranks and the early days in the order. The hurt doesn’t go away completely, but your willingness to listen and the love behind your actions certainly helps.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

I’ve talked about their conversations in other parts of this - but one thing the two of you like to talk about is the muggle world. Who’s the prime minister and whether they’re doing a good job - the best muggle shops to sell clothes...sometimes you’ll take a muggle bus “I spoke to this lovely lady on the bus today, she shared these amazing sweets - Werther’s originals...we’ll have to find a shop that sells them!” 

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?) 

Remus has a secret. He loves to hear you sing. To your knowledge, he’s never heard you. You sing quietly, softly, when no one else is at home. He tries to slip through the door without your knowing, so that he can listen to you hum a few bars. You don’t always sound perfect, but your voice is the most soothing, relaxing sound. After a few moments he makes himself known and you stop abruptly, your song long forgotten.

What helps you relax is a massage courtesy of Remus. A few scented candles and calloused hands moving against your shoulders and neck and your troubles seem to melt away.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?) 

Remus likes to show off with non-verbal, wandless magic. He doesn’t shout about his skills, but he loves his talents. The curse only made him work harder during school and it certainly paid off. You might ask him to show his patronus - and though he might’ve protested with others, he could deny you nothing. A wolf would bound around the room, wordlessly and his wand was nowhere in sight. 

Not everyone knows of Remus’ brilliance, but it’s certainly there.

W = Wedding (When, how?)

It’s a quiet affair. Your dress isn’t glamourous or expensive, it’s white and simple. Remus wore his best suit, but it’s hardly new. You married in a registrar, your bouquet is composed of sunflowers, lavender and daisies (of course) - and you couldn’t afford more than a weekend away to the seaside. Still, it was the best weekend the two of you ever had, it was the first of many that you shared as husband and wife.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Remus’ mother loved the beatles, her favourite song was Something - and that song holds a special place in his heart. He loves Led Zeppelin - his favourite song of theirs being I Can’t Quit you Baby.

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

It’s not something Remus has always wanted, in fact he never thought he deserved it. But after seeing James and Lily, Remus knew that with the right person - he’d be more than happy to settle down.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Sirius would hate this but Remus would definitely prefer having a cat. He put up with Padfoot’s Animagus form for so long that a cat would be a nice break. They’re a lot more independent and smaller than most dogs. He’d only have one cat, he couldn’t have too many animals.

[sleepymarmot]

DS9 season 4 liveblog

[Season index: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 PS]

The Way of the Warrior

they changed the music! I liked the original arrangement better. I guess they decided that if they have to change the opening titles, better redo them from scratch?

I love how the Klingon general dramatically cuts his hand. It's like looking at the origins of an ancient ritual which real and very important meaning has long been forgotten. Tbh I thought the crew would do the same in the previous episode, but they went for the less dramatic blood tests :D

How was the Obsidian Order destroyed? The Dominion destroyed the fleet that the Order wasn't even supposed to have. What about all of their normal agents, infrastructure, gathered intelligence? 

"Not like you? Impossible" (note: as I prepare to publish this post, having just finished season 5, it seems this line was the last time they ever shared a flirty moment... rip garashir 1993-1995)

finally!

please stop reminding me about that awful movie thanks

Poor Worf is so awkward as usual

"And I find you offensive. Now hold up your arm, or I'll have the security do it for you"

"Captain Sisko bet me that you would thank him for the rescue before you started complaining." "I lost."

The Visitor

I have a hard time becoming invested in stories like this, when I know that the entire timeline would be undone by the end. The final scene did manage to make me tear up a bit, but overall I'm not impressed. At least it's not outright terrible like The Inner Light...

Hippocratic Oath

Wait, did Bashir get promoted between seasons?

I don't think that joke about Keiko was very good :\ But this is the second time Miles comes really close to confessing his love for Julian... what's up with that

seriously, why does the new theme have such a messy rhythm? it's as if the beat is out of sync with the melody

Odo is such an unusual security officer, of course there's conflict between him and Worf. I'm glad they're addressing this!

of course O'Brien does a transporter trick

oh come oooon O'Brien do you really need to be such a jerk this week

Sisko is nicer to Worf than I expected

the last scene between Bashir and O'Brien is very poignant

Indiscretion

The runabout scene with Kira and Dukat is unsettling because this rhetoric is too real...

The Worst Field Trip(tm)

Julian & Jadzia's Judging Corner: priceless

honestly the absolute last thing i expected was for Dukat's butt to get so much attention...

Ziyal looks much younger than someone who was 13yo six years ago

halfway through the episode I thought Ziyal would be that Cardassian girl from season 2, I mean there was a reason for that scene, right? right?

great episode

Rejoined

Oh, Dax got promoted too

Trill society sounds dumber and dumber with each episode

Kahn is so beautiful, charming and well-dressed. damn

how did my mom manage to walk into the room just as they kissed? is that a special parent talent

;_;

"your work produced the first artificially created wormhole in history" not counting, you know, THE wormhole

welp. a romance episode finally made me cry :(

Starship Down

Wait, is the alien played by Odo's actor? 

this is like a really boring version of "Disaster"...

Dax knows Bashir now better than a year ago? He hasn't changed much over the past year, the difference is rather between seasons 1-2 and later ones, plus they seemed pretty good friends in season 1 already, not like "she was avoiding him" -- in fact, I thought she was his only friend at the time. Their body language is cute as hell though.

Damn, I could hardly keep track of the plot in this one... or why the characters were saying what they were saying... how dull

you know what was the selling point of The Disaster? characters in unusual combinations and roles! I see none of this here...

Little Green Men

ew using someone else's tooth sharpener

omg Odo! :D

what, Klingons and Vulcans didn't have warp drive by 20th century?

The Sword of Kahless

what, this was the little boy we saw in TNG? Klingon children sure grow fast...

is this sword telepathically infected or something?

So, when Worf was acting OOC he wasn't under outside influence? okay... I enjoyed this episode, but under the assumption that Worf's dishonorable actions would be explained

Our Man Bashir

Bashir's taste is about as lame as Picard's...

"I think I joined the wrong intelligence service"

"This is more than I ever wanted to know about your fantasy life" same tbh... it's enough to remember these gross tropes exist somewhere out there, I don't need them in Star Trek reenacted by my faves

This just made me remember how much I dislike James Bond... We just had a cheesy 20th century pastiche two episodes ago, but at least I don't have anything against that genre. Not to judge what people do behind the holosuite's closed doors, but it's pretty offputting to see a 24 century man so enamored with this sexist fiction. And I have pretty much the same reaction to kisses with not-Kira and not-Dax as in the Mirror Universe episode, though to a lesser degree; that was pretty gross and exploitative. It's as if someone decided that the show wasn't straight enough after Rejoined and decided to compensate...

Also I think this was the first time ever that Bashir wasn't happy to see Garak. It feels strange and sad...

I expected Garak to spend all episode making fun of silly tropes, but the little he said was pretty weak. Though I liked the confrontation in the end and the way Bashir repeated Garak's speech.

And I don't think they even took advantage of the J. B. initials. Come on! :D

Homefront

"I prefer Klingon beliefs. Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago. They were more trouble than they were worth." I think I prefer Klingon beliefs too...

Why did Sisko put on TNG-type uniform?

Is that Leah Brahms?

Very relevant story about security vs civil rights, and it's very fitting for Odo to be here -- not just because of the plot. I really like the thematic unity between the changeling storyline and Odo's personal issues as a character.

Come on, it's so easy to deprive the entire planet of power?

Paradise Lost

This title is very ominous...

Cadet Shepard haha

I think I've heard this boast... "We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?" "Four." "You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?" "We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek!"

So, Earth and DS9 can communicate in real time? But in the previous episode, DS9 "received a recording of a high level diplomatic conference that took place on Earth a few days ago". I assumed the delay was due to the distance, but apparently not -- was the recording just classified before someone decided to send it to Sisko?

Wait, what President's speech? Did I miss something?

I liked the first part better. So, the changeling terrorist attack on the same week was just a coincidence? Everyone seemed to forget about that...

Crossfire

Odo/Kira scene is cute instead of irritating for once

"You could hear that?" "*points to lobes* Hello?"

"I have reason to believe someone is planning to assassinate First Minister Shakaar" and by someone you mean Winn?

Odo and Worf discussing security and order! 

are they replacing Odo/Kira/Bareil with Odo/Kira/Shakaar? How many nice but bland Bajoran dudes can be in love with her?

"Frankly, I don't care whether you and Major Kira end up living happily ever after or not. I just want to see the situation resolved" same

ok, I get it, falling in love makes you very upset, bad at your job, and is sad and frustrating to watch on tv screen. nothing new here

Return to Grace

"Is that what you kept track of during the occupation? No wonder you lost"

"It bothers him, you know. Very much. He talks about it sometimes" crocodile tears... literally

some men just won't take a hint...

wait, since it was previously mentioned that Cardassian flirting is bickering, does Dukat genuinely misinterpret Kira and think he's got a chance here??

so much for keeping Klingon secrets from the Cardassians...

There's something about this dynamic I really appreciate, but I can't yet articulate it. The way Kira confidently and unflinchingly deflects all the bullshit he sends her way? How she is allowed to be right in her unforgiving stance? That being civil and working together with someone and seeing their better side does not mean all their past (and present) misdeeds are forgotten and they're suddenly your friend? Maybe this is the infamous "grey morality" done right -- not the indiscriminate tolerance and moral relativism, but allowing the other side to plead their case without losing sight of what made them "the other side" in the first place.

Sons of Mogh

Jadzia has a great "I'm gonna fuck that" face

"Charged with murder?" Have these people never heard of assisted suicide?

"I don't give a damn about Klingon beliefs, rituals or custom" ohhh so when we talk about Bajoran religion we all have to be tolerant and culturally sensitive and understanding, but Klingons are not allowed to perform their own rituals among themselves?

Wait, did Kurn consent to this or?...

A second good Klingon episode in the season that is tainted by the heroes' inexplicable immoral decisions. Last time Mr. Honor attemped murder in the most dishonorable day possible; this time ritual assisted suicide was deemed outrageous but likely nonconsensual mindwipe is an acceptable solution. The former can be headcanoned away with the assumption that the sword had some curse on it. My headcanon for the latter: people other than Sisko wouldn't have objected to the ritual (Dax canonically, O'Brien was implied to), so they accepted Worf's other solution on the same grounds.

Bar Association

Haha, Odo brings up Rascals, one of TNG's most ridiculous security failures :D

"Have you have any idea how bored I used to get sitting in the Transporter room waiting for something to break down? Here, I've a half dozen new problems every day. This station needs me" Damn, I hoped he got to do something interesting that we just weren't shown...

Wait, O'Brien got into a physical fight with Worf of all people?!

"If this was Ferenginar, I'd have you all taken to the Spire of the Tower of Commerce, displayed to the crowds in the Great Marketplace below, then shoved off, one by one. Small children would bet on where you would land, and your spattered remains would be sold as feed mulch for gree-worms" lol remember Quark's little speech about Ferengi not being barbaric?

I really care about this messed up family...

Yaaaaay I'm so happy for Rom! :D

Ferenginar sounds no less oppressive than Cardassia. I want a revolution! You know what, now that the Dominion has kindly disposed of the Tal Shiar and the Obsidian Order, can it take the FCA next? I, for one, would welcome our new gelatinous overlords in this case...

(I'm not a fan of that Leeta/Bashir background noise, thank you very much.)

Accession

"Quark, did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby!" "I thought your females carried your young."

people from the past should stay in the past... apparently only 50 years ago Bajor was a pretty oppressive place too... 

"Maybe you never realised this, Captain, but we would've tried to do whatever you asked of us when you were Emissary, no matter how difficult it seemed" well that's creepy

oh come on Kira, don't follow your religion so blindly...

O'Brien and Bashir is the real love story of this show istg

oh god they have an untouchable caste too

and of course the aliens can't tell which is the true Emissary because the word "first" isn't in their vocabulary lol

The aliens say "First. Later. They have no meaning to us." -- and in the same conversation use grammatical tense to indicate the order of events: "This IS the one that WAS injured." "He WAS injured" "We KEPT him with us" "The Sisko TAUGHT us" -- so they must have some perception of time

"We are of Bajor" oh? since when do you even know that word? did the poet teach you?

these two are so awkward that poor Keiko has to play matchmaker for her own husband :D bless her

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the direction of this story... Sisko was completely right to feel uncomfortable as a saint for a religion he doesn't believe in of planet he's not from, but it turned out he's so awesome that the Prophets chose him over the man from this culture who fits the descriptions in the sacred texts. Because only an enlightened human can lead the silly natives -- by following one of their own they'd go back to the dark ages! Yuck.

I've seen more than half of the show now... time flies fast.

Rules of Engagement

Courtroom episode!

I like the clever cinematography & editing

Hard Time

Poor O'Brien...

Well. This was really upsetting. I've been crying for several minutes now.

TNG repeatedly failed to show the recovery after a character's traumatic experience -- specifically, Picard's loss of time in The Inner Light and imprisonment and torture in Chain of Command. DS9 finally delivers an episode just about that -- even if the next week the status quo will be restored and I'll have the same complaint. 

What Miles goes through is completely horrific -- so much that I can't imagine how one can survive that. Even as a viewer I want to wipe this from my memory and pretend it didn't happen... For my own peace of mind I'm gonna pretend O'Brien's friend was a part of the simulation, and later he managed to erase it all from his mind somehow.

Now I kinda want a story where the characters become self-aware and O'Brien decides to get away from his sadistic writers (and Bashir helps him, sacrificing their friendship for O'Brien's well-being).

Shattered Mirror

Always nice to see Worf's hair loose

Well, at least Dax is angry at Sisko for the rape by deception...

Why is Kira still wearing that shit...

at this rate you won't have any characters left for the next episode

The Muse

will this adult woman leave Jake alone

poor Sisko

Odo: "Actually, I have some free time and I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk." Worf: "I would." Odo: "I meant Lwaxana."

"Well, just don't go do what I did. Look for someone to fix your broken heart then end up pregnant and on the run." "I don't think there's too much danger of that happening."

aah Odo makes her a blanket! (well, I guess he owed her a night of sleep on his lap...) this entire scene was so sweet

eww not the pedo woman again

why must I watch this

Odo and Lwaxana playing hide-and-seek!!! this is the best thing ever

oh my god this is such a fanfic trope

ew can I just fast-forward through this?

"If you don't mind, this is a very special moment for me"

"You know, for a minute there, I really believed you wanted to marry me" ahh poor Odo's face :( even when he literally declares he wants someone in his life, that person thinks he didn't mean it...

aaaaaah! the goodbye scene!!! Lwaxana is so good! this is so significant and beautiful, this is Lwaxana recognizing and preventing her biggest negative trait/habit (pursiung and harassing disinterested men) with one of her more rarely shown positive traits (compassion and emotional intelligence)

i don’t know what to say about an episode where the main story is 0/10 but the side story is 10/10

For the Cause

Finally, some info on replicator sharing policy! "The Federation only gave Bajor two CFI [industrial] replicators” 

"If she's really a Maquis, then she's no longer a Federation citizen" wait what?! I thought this was the entire reason Starfleet had to keep them in check -- because they were Federation outlaws! have they proclaimed their own state while I wasn't looking?

have they recast Ziyal? she looks different

I don't appreciate all this UST

"I would not become a terrorist. It would be dishonourable" "I wouldn't say that around Major Kira if I were you"

she... invites him... to a SAUNA??! ohhh my god whyyyyyy who wrote this

You go Kira!

okaaay I definitely missed something major about the Maquis formally leaving the Federation

well at least Cardassians enjoy their saunas fully dressed, that's a relief. the idea of lizard people lying around on heated rocks for relaxation is actually really cute, though

To be honest, I was dreading Garak's scenes in this episode. It seems that the writers ran out of Mysterious Past and Unclear Motivations to hint at, and stripped of that he's just... not particularly interesting. Plus, this episode confirmed my unpleasant impression that starting with this season, the producers/writers decided to forcibly drag Garak and Bashir away from each other and throw girls at them no matter how random and/or inappropriate it looks. At least they recast Ziyal so now she actually looks 19 instead of 13! (The problem is, in the previous episode she acted like a child, too, and you can't forget that she's a generation younger, so it's still pretty gross.)

Eddington's point about assimilation would have worked better without the rest of that inane speech. "Why is the Federation so obsessed with the Maquis? We've never harmed you" -- They're obsessed because you're a threat to their foreign relations, what's so hard to understand about that? "We've left the Federation" -- When? When?! Left Starfleet, sure, but the Federation?! Isn’t that the entire reason Starfleet is pursuing them -- because the Federation is responsible for handling its citizens and stopping them from committing crimes against its neighbor!?

To the Death

Iconians -- that's from "Contagion", right?

I like this guy...

"What is the point of doing battle if you cannot enjoy the fruits of victory?" "You mean sleep?" :D

I love how Whatshisname casually gives out the white, rolling his eyes and barely moving attention from his plate -- so different from the Jem'Hadar perspective we saw in Hippocratic Oath!

"I didn't know that was public knowledge." "You told Commander Dax." "Well, that explains it."

O'Brien's answer to the Jem'Hadar! "I am Chief Miles Edward O'Brien. I'm very much alive and I intend to stay that way"

The Quickening

bwahaha

whoa, a city? if it the first one we've seen in the Gamma Quadrant? lovely matte painting

of course they make everything worse. Because being Culturally Advanced and Civilized won't always instantly solve any problem, and hospices and euthanasia aren't evil.

"I was so arrogant I thought I could find one in a week." "Maybe it was arrogant to think that. But it's even more arrogant to think there isn't a cure just because you couldn't find it." Good one, Dax! We're really going back to the pivotal traits of his character in this episode. (Someone on the writing staff: "Hmm, we haven't mentioned Julian's arrogance and hero/savior complex for a couple of months...")

He swallows his pride and decides to stay! I'm proud

I did have a suspicion that the pregnancy would solve everything...

I'm really glad the local doctor wasn't villainized! When Bashir was setting up his clinic I was afraid that he'd raise the townspeople to destroy it or something.

Bashir has more luck with medical episodes than Crusher and Pulaski...

Body Parts

Jadzia's female solidarity!

Alright, how is this one episode going to fit in Keiko's pregnancy (and presumably childbirth?), Quark's condition, Brunt, and Garak? 

Federation technology is amazing...

Second time someone calls DS9 a "Cardassian monstrosity". That would make a good tumblr url... Wait, it's not even taken -- I'm very tempted...

of course Brunt bought him, why else would he be in the opening credits? :D this is so beautifully malicious

finally an episode that makes Quark look like a good person

Garak's face says "Killing you sounds like a great idea" :D :D

This is the most delightfully bizarre way to handle an actress' pregnancy :D

QUARK SHOPPING FOR MURDER-SUICIDE OPTIONS WITH GARAK =  AMAZING

(not to mention very relatable...)

This is Garak's best outing in the entire season, tbh :D

Don't forget to undo your contract with Garak...

aww

This was a blast! This is a huge step in Quark's character development: following Nog and Rom, now he decides to break his society's rules. I'm very happy. ...But what about Garak, though?

Broken Link

Poor Odo...

aw encouraging Quark

"I'm thinking of asking Julian to come live with us. Even things up a little" Is that the only reason? ;)

"Captain, I want to be judged. I'm the only changeling who's ever harmed another. I've spent most of my life bringing people to justice. Now that it's my turn, how can I run away?"

"Don't tell me you'd object to a little genocide in the name of self-defence?" This is such a Cardassian line...

Why human and not Bajoran?

Oh Odo, just as he got comfortable with his identity as a shape-shifter... :/

General impressions:

Bashir in season 4, a summary: "Friendship ended with Garak, now Miles O'Brien is my best friend" Seriously, though... O'Brien and Bashir's relationship has become one of my favourite parts of the show. They got lots of good content this season: countless casual/humorous scenes, conflict in Hippocratic Oath, need for each other's company in Accession, talking down from suicide in Hard Time... And Garak was the most underwhelming part of the season for me, both himself and his relationship with Bashir -- or lack of it. I'm not even asking for shippy stuff, I know it's not going to be canon, but can't they just share screentime and enjoy each other's company, like they did before and Bashir does with O'Brien now?

And while the writers seem unsure what to do with Garak now, Dukat continues to be incredibly entertaining. Need a personification of Cardassian oppression? An unwanted ally the protagonist(s) would barely tolerate? A pompous prick to make fun of? A dangerously charismatic speaker -- or a windbag who thinks himself much cooler than he is? A relatively sympathetic opponent to provide "grey morality"? Well, here's all of that in one character! And my favourite thing is that despite being so immoral, he's not actually an enemy plot-wise (at least so far), so instead of fighting, defeating, and getting him out of the picture, the heroes just keep telling him how much he sucks. An interesting antagonist with a decent amount of screentime -- the dream. But all of that was about the character in general, and my favourite thing about his two episodes in this season is that he's self-aware of his status as a Complex Antagonist and completely overestimates the "complex and sympathetic" part, and (mis)casts himself as some kind of sexy byronic antihero whose deep and rich inner world will eventually win over the feisty heroine. Meanwhile, Kira is really not into villain/protagonist pairings and just wants the creepy guy responsible for genocide against her people to leave her alone. This was filmed twenty years ago but looks like a parody/deconstruction of currently popular ships like reylo or solavellan -- I find it really hilarious. (Maybe I’d feel more grossed out than amused if his behavior disturbed Kira more -- but she seems so gloriously unimpressed!)

I generally like Klingons and was glad to see Worf again, all of his episodes had something that stopped me from fully enjoying them.

It was my impression that Kira’s screetime got reduced because of Nana Visitor’s pregnancy -- and it was actually a good thing for the show! I feel bad saying this about one of the only two main female characters, but Kira is obviously the writers’ favorite, and got the most attention over the past seasons, so stepping back a bit let other characters shine more.

[shamelessllamapeanutthing]

My MatchaBlossom playlist

Here's the link to the playlist on Spotify-

Song meanings and POVs elaborated on down under.

Call it what you want- Taylor Swift

(Let's start with a TS song cause why tf not. I am and always will be a total slut for her 💜)

Okay, just the general vibe of this song is that of a person who's been through a bit and has now found a love so beautiful it's helping them heal and I feel like that ties in so well with Cherry and Joe's entire arc. I hear this song in Cherry's POV when Joe's affection is starting to restore his faith in love and life after Adam's done fucked it all up. Or even when his anxiety gets really fucking bad or whatever. It's just got big comfort vibes and I am a total whore for Cherry acknowledging and appreciating everything that Joe does for him.

All my flowers grew back as thorns,

Windows boarded up after the storm,

He built a fire just to keep me warm.

Explosion- Zolita

PINING JOE PINING JOE PINING JOE

*ahem* let me be more articulate.

TEENAGED PINING JOE

Don't call me about him I don't wanna hear

Put him out of your mind just make him disappear

Stop pretending you got nothing left to hide

My memory is slipping and it's killing me alive

Reached the bitter end

Can't pretend I'm not in love with my best friend, my best friend

Hate that you know me- BLEACHERS

Okay I think this song fits Cherry very well, especially when he is still trying to understand his dynamic with Joe. My personal headcanon is that Cherry is prone to bouts of self-hatred because of his anxiety and consequently, doesn't always consider himself deserving of Joe's love, and so, he tends to dislike it at times when Joe seems to understand him better than others and anticipate his needs so well, and I feel like this song depicts that beautifully.

Sometimes I hate that you know me so well (so well)

Sometimes I, I hate that you know me so well (and I hate ya)

Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself (No)

No luck! (No)

And I hate that you know me so well

Heart attack- Demi Lovato

Okay, I can not be the only person who thinks of teenaged Cherry every time this song comes on. Imagine a Cherry who's flabbergasted by the strength of his feelings for Joe, and can never figure out what to do with himself.

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair; pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air; it feels so good, but you know it hurts

Lover- Taylor Swift

I have a very specific scene in mind when it comes to this song and that is MatchaBlossom slow-dancing in the first house they get together.

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Make you mine- PUBLIC

You knew this song was going to end up on here lol.

Strangely enough, aware as I am of the fact that most of the fandom believes Joe was the one chasing Cherry (and I agree) this song just hits me as all Cherry's. It has all of his characteristic dogged determination and refusal to admit defeat lol

Well, I have called you darlin' and I'll say it again, again

So kiss me 'til I'm sorry, babe, that you are gone and I'm a mess

And I'll hurt you and you'll hurt me and we'll say things we can't repeat

Mess is Mine- Vance Joy

Slightly older, mellowed out MatchaBlossom, starting to realise they're in this together for the long run, that they always have been.

Further I feel like verse 1 and 2 respectively follow Joe and Cherry's POVs

First we have Joe, who is just brimming with the realisation that Cherry is his for good.

Talking like we used to do

It was always me and you

Shaken up and shipping out

Check me in and check me out

...

Hold on my darling

This mess was yours, now your mess is mine

Secondly, we have Cherry, who considers himself unbelievably lucky to have been considered worthy of Joe's love and keeps wondering if he is half as good a partner to the other man as he is to him.

See you in the market place

Walking around at 8 AM

Got two hours before my flight

Luck be on my side tonight

You're the reason that I feel so strong

The reason that I'm hanging on

You know you gave me all that time

Did I give enough of mine

More than Friends- BEKA HONNE

Baby MatchaBlossom pining. Really sweet, soft vibes. I keep thinking of shy, unsure junior high school Kaoru and Kojiro suddenly becoming blushing, stuttering messes around each other for a period of time as they both hit the realisation that they'd very much like to be kissing each other and it's very much not a Friend™ thing.

It happens after Joe has freshly realised that he is bi after all and Kaoru is exactly what he needs. Again, verse one reminds me of Joe, verse two of Cherry. They are down under respectively.

Driving home and those cats eyes got me seeing you

I'm always seeing you

I don't know how to tell you that I was wrong before

I thought I needed more

I was wondering if we could talk

I think about you every day

And the mixtape you made

Is all I ever to play

And every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

...

I never thought I would see your face at my door again

Not at 3 AM

And I don't know just why I wasn't enough before

I thought you needed more

I know you came here to talk

Can't listen to the tape I made

It brings me too much pain

Cause every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

This song can also work if you reverse the POV orders and then see it post Adam, but the vibe is a lil too soft for that.

Night go slow- Catey Shaw

MatchaBlossom but in a chill, lo-fi aesthetic.

The cars all stop where they are

When you take my hand, there is no time

Every moment that passes by with you

I wish I could rewind

Let go of your ways

And forget today

Just follow me tonight

Do you understand why I put all my plans on hold?

Not Afraid Anymore- Halsey

Okay, this one goes a lil heavy but imagine a traumatised Cherry, ya know after Ad*m, finally learning to let himself go and feel things again, emotionally and sexually, with Kojiro.

I also feel like they are two kinky bastards so really if you only wanna interpret it like that be my guest.

I am not ashamed anymore

I want something so impure

You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor

Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin

Begging you to take me

Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing

But she play to win, heaven gonna hate me

People Crying Every Night- A R I Z O N A

I hear this song as Joe trying to get through to a hesitant Cherry, trying to make him see that while they don't get a say in so many other things, things that have happened and things that will happen, they get to choose the life they have together. They get to pick out their happy ending, build one out of scratch with each other and even if they have nothing else, at least they have this.

Oh and as the day

Turns into night

The things that we can't say

The things we try to hide

Like everyone else

We can't choose the way we die

Oh but we can choose

The way we live tonight

Oh I wish I had the answers

I wish I had the time

To give you all the reasons

Why it's worth it down the line

Ready to go- NEFFEX

This song is an ✨ aesthetic ✨

Okay but imagine, young, punk! MatchaBlossom, maybe around the time when they're travelling the world together?

It's all hot and heady, and Joe is thrilled by the wild, wild force of nature Kaoru is. He can't do anything but give in.

She said stay for a minute

Play with my limits

Drink till we're sinnin'

Baby I'm ready to go

...

She said she's finally alive

When she starts losing control

I said I know what to do

Just let our bodies go

Shine a Light- BANNERS

Another Kojiro song. This one reflects his inner struggle as he feels torn between wanting to comfort and protect Cherry after Adam, and the fact that he is hopelessly in love with Cherry who inadvertently keeps hurting him with how he is lost in the huge web of feelings he can't parse through, not completely blind to how much Kojiro loves him but not fully realising it either. This song reminds me of a confused and helpless Kojiro. Loving Kaoru is such an integral part of him that it makes him, him and it is his constant in the rapidly changing world around him as he stands on the brink of adulthood. He is very nearly ready to beg for mercy and yet knows he, himself is saved by the love he has for Kaoru.

And when the night falls, oh, call on me

Just don't forget to show me some mercy

Ooh, say you're mine

Ooh, take me higher

Sleepover- Hayley Kiyoko

JOE PINING @ HOMOEROTIC SLEEPOVERS WITH YOUR B(est)F

You wanna be friends forever?

I can think of something better

I'm just feeling low, feeling low

Sleeping here right next to me

But will you ever mess with me?

No

Thank you, my twilight- the pillows

Listen, this has been my fav classic Japanese love anthem for so long and to think it is PERFECT for Matchablossom just makes my heart go 💞

The lyrics are heart-wrenchingly raw and real, which is great reflection of Joe and Cherry's relationship. I include a translation of a few verses below, the first one seems something snatched straight out of Joe's internal monologues and the second one depicts the breathless intensity and loyalty so typical of Kaoru:

If you think it looks like I'm waiting for someone

Then you're right

I've been waiting for you

...

Sometimes people will ask me

"How far will you go for her?"

BABY as far as it takes

Wings- HAERTS

Another song depicting Cherry healing from Adam and learning to accept Joe's love, but a fluffier and sweeter way to go about it.

In which, Cherry decides to separate all of the sweeter moments of his and Joe's days with Adam from all of the bitterness, and carry that in his heart after they part ways and he finally moves on.

I will never let you go

I know you want it, know you want it

Learning love means not to know

I'll learn to take it,

Would you mind- PRETTYMUCH

Ending this post with a fluffy, flirty rec that could be Joe's anthem. See for yourselves.

Say you don't catch feelings, you say you ain't the love type

I'ma have to work, then, uh the whole night

Nothing like your ex, no, this ain't what you used to

Just give me that chance, girl, uh, won't lose you

See it? ;) Also, I feel like Joe had typical frat boy taste in music at some point so

[hiro-gari]

AAAA THANK YOU I'm so glad that you like the short dialogues and my potrayal for them!! Been trying to make Garou and Badd sounds IC enough because I tend to write them too OOC so I'm very happy that you thought it's good aaaah tysm 😭🙏💗💘💕

And yess same! 😆🙌 Ambiguous open ending sounds more interesting, because that way we can have unlimited possible endings as many as possible 👀✨

So what I've got in my mind about that Garou&Badd's dialogue endings are basically like these:

-Silly dumb route: I had older headcanon that they likes to chat random topics that often escalated into debate or making some stupid conspiracy theories ALL. NIGHT. LONG, lmao! Usually it was Garou who spout some random nonsenses first that Badd couldn't help but giving him responses, but occasionally Badd also suddenly bringing up some intriguing topics that pulling Garou's interest, lol! Let them being dumbass boyfriends who just likes to share silly interests with eachother 😆

-Heartwarming happy route: Y'know Badd is secretly a hopeless romantic who loves lovely idea of having soulmates that always find eachother no matter what? He was thinking that despite his first meeting moment with Garou wasn't perfect like what he imagined before (being enemies and not so lovey-dovey), but he loves Garou so much and sure that the wolfboy is his fated soulmate. And he wanted to know if Garou shared the same thought as him.. In which Garou reciprocated him, hence the sweet promise between them 😚

-Hurt/comfort route: I mentioned before that Badd's mom was the one who tell him about the soulmate concept, right? Badd missed his mom that night that's why he brings up the topic to Garou. He wasn't sure if soulmates are real or not. If the concept is real, he wanted to make sure Garou wont forget him in the next life. But ithe concept isn't real, he still wanted to be with Garou forever, spending time and living their life as best as they could.. :"") And Garou was here to comfort Badd and tried to get him sleeping soon, because they must go to work in the morning lol! 😂

-Angsty/sad route: This is actually the original ending before I scrapped off because I wasn't satisfied by it, lol. The dialogue was made when I was in my not-so-good days, and it was supposed to have one more line in the ending of their dialogues, something like "On the next morning, the rescue team found Garou and Badd died on eachother's arms" 😢💔

So the backstory, they both just finished their mission together, Badd was unfortunately fatally wounded before Garou could shielded him and he went berserk. Then to accompany Badd's last moment, Garou craddled him in his arms while exchanging convos just like they usually do when sleeping together. As Badd went to eternal sleep, Garou lost his will to live and died together with him. Hopefully Badd's story is true so they could meet eachother again. It was winter and the location was kinda difficult to reach, so the rescue team were too late to save them.

I scrapped off this idea because beside it was too sad, the plot was basically just like my Reincarnated Demon/Angel AU where Badd died, Garou went berserk and died too, before both get reincarnated as demon/angel (enemies again). Thus I decided to make it open ending with happier-leaning possibilities like on above examples 😅

BUT! After I read your interpretation in your tags: #so the second time I read it I thought maybe Badd has memories from a past life?? #possibly multiple liftetimes :’) #and every time garou forgets #but of course they find each other again #and badd tries to make sure he remembers this time around 😭

YASS THIS IS IT! Your idea is BRILLIANT, I personally love this way!! 👀😳👌💖🌟✨ Y'know I usually write stories where they both still can obtaining happy ending together despite experiencing angsty stuff throughout the story. And your interpretation is perfect for that situation! 😚👍

Tbh it reminds me of Madoka Magica story, where one of the protags has a controlling-time magic power which allowed her to go back in the past, just so she could save her bestfriend (or love interest). Even they have shared a promise that they wont forget eachother no matter what, which unfortunately the protags' bestfriend forget her everytime they meet again in different timelines. The anime looked so cute but actually very depressing (has nice OST and heart-touching sweet ending, though!).

But I believe despite being reborn, meeting again, then separated again by death, Garou and Badd still have the best happy life in each lifetimes! And even though Garou always ended up forgets about their past life, he never fails to find Badd just like what they have promised before, aww.. 😍😚💕 It gives Badd hopes that at least in the deepest Garou's mind, he never actually forgets their vow. It's like, the vow has already stamped on Garou's soul :"")💕

So in the end, Garou and Badd will always find happiness in their perfectly-imperfect life together as destined soulmates. They deserved happy ending throughout the whole hardship 👍💖💝

Waah sorry I was rambling too much again! I love it when discussing something with people, and your amazing takes or headcanons always make me go "OH YEAH I'M IN! 👀😳✨👏👏".

And I'm so sorry that you've been in bad day, gotta sending you support hugs, love, cozy blanket and hot cocoa on your way! I hope everything will getting much better soon for you~ 😤😚💕💞💖💝🌸🌺🌼🍀🍀🍀🍀🌻🌻🌻🌻🌷🌷💐☕🍪🍫

Also don't worry it's okay you can write whenever you feel like it, because your well-being is the most important thing. Please take your time as much as you need! 😉👍💖 We will still waiting patiently for your next works, so please don't give up, we believe in you! AAA I LOVE YOU TOO~ 😘❤💜💙💚💛🌼🌻🌼🌹🌹

P.S.: I will be right back on bringing my other silly headcanons that definitely much more happier than this one, 100% angst-free guaranteed (100% dumbassery guaranteed, though, lmao)! 😁😆 Maybe I will submit it to you on next week, hopefully it could liften up your spirit 😊🌸

-Little1993lamb-

----------------------------

Omg of course!! Gotta leave you some Reviews™️ too, even though you’re the master of them 😉 Sorry I sometimes struggle with articulating specifically what I love about your submissions and there’s always a whole lotta keyboard smashing :”)

LMFAO @ the thought of them staying up all night talking about completely nonsensical things just because 😂😂 (or maybe it’s not nonsensical, the OPM verse do be kinda crazy sometimes 🤷🏻��♀️) But neither of them seem to have many friends their own age, so they’ve probably got years of socializing to catch up on, some fantastical stuff’s bound to be brought up

I love all the different routes this could take: lovey dovey Badd yes!! It’s canon as far as I’m concerned 💕 this guy bought like 100+ roses for his sister’s piano recital, I refuse to believe he’s not absolutely full of love! And for the hurt/comfort one asjdkslsk *clutches chest* Badd probably struggles with just coming out and saying he’s missing his mom, but surely Garou’s realized by now how important family is to Badd, and he knows to give him all his love and comfort whenever he mentions her awww 🥺

Ack I definitely feel ya on the angst 💔 I too have a lot of scrapped angsty fics T~T in a weird way, it’s therapeutic though. And definitely don’t hesitate to post or publish it, because making readers Feel Things is what we do 😉 Even if it makes them mad at us 😭😭 Maaan I kinda thought that’s what you were angling towards, but now with the additional background story I’m- *holding back the tears* hnnnnnnn~ It’s bittersweet, but beautiful nonetheless 💕

AHH yey I’m so glad you liked my little interpretation 🙈💕 I imagine Badd just running into Garou again, getting attacked like he does every time, and being like “ah shit, here we go again, he’s clueless as ever” 🤦🏻‍♀️ But also he’s kind of excited to meet him all over again, and to see what kind of adventurous mischief they’re going to experience together 💖

I’m looking up Madoka Magica rn 👀 it looks excellent 👌 (I mean, you had me at “nice OST”) Ahhhhhh early 2010’s anime just hits differently, I’m definitely gonna check it out, thank you!

Thank you for always supporting me 😘💕💖 *lots of hugs to you* I’m just in a funky kinda headspace, work’s been kind of kicking my ass and it makes me sad that I don’t have the time or energy to do the things I wanna do waaa 😩 Thank you for always being patient with me 🥺💗💞💝 I’m so looking forward to reading more of your work (YAAAAS FLUFF TIME!!!), you do these lovable dorks so much justice, thank you for all that you do 😚🥰