#wish I could wear a binder my top dysphoria isn’t even that bad but it’d be like. an actionable thing u could do to put on a binder every

[i-am-a-fucking-nerd]

Been so fucking dysphoric lately and idk what to do. It’s like. Debilitating in a way it never has been for me before. All I wanted to do td was claw at my skin and try and move to be in the right shape but that’s not smth I can do lol. Had to go out to get food and I genuinely thought I might have a breakdown in the middle of a convenience store and I was so paranoid that everyone could see that I was wrong and I wasn’t a person correctly. I had to force myself to stop scratching my skin.

[mylifeiskindaokay]

The reason why being non-binary/gender fluid/questioning your gender is hard:

written february 2017

I don't plan outfits because I don't know how I feel. Sometimes I change my outfit 5 times in one morning just to get it /somewhat/ right. I don't have enough masculine-esque clothes so it's especially hard when I feel like a man. Being questioned "why are you wearing sports bras as opposed to real ones" when my parents go through the wash because I have to wear 2 because I don't have a binder.

Looking in the mirror and not knowing what you see. Not knowing if you're a man or a woman or none or both. Or looking in the mirror and your gender doesn't match what you're wearing and you want to change, but don't, to avoid being questioned. Not knowing how to wear your hair to look like it's cut short, but not wanting to cut it again because it took a long time to grow out and you like the length.

Not knowing if I want to be my birth name, or an opposite sex name, or something in-between. Wishing to be called your gender neutral name and being upset when someone doesn't use it, but "how would they know when you've only told one person what you're going through." Pronouns: I respond to any. Hearing one of the names you're thinking of going by get called and almost respond.

Having body dysphoria. Hating showers. Being so upset with your body because it isn't what you want. Wishing that no one even had parts because it'd be so much easier if we were all just the same. Wishing you could just get rid of your breasts, but knowing that one day maybe you'll actually want them.

Not being able to shop in the men's section because how do I casually suggest to my mom that I want more than just a graphic tshirt from the men's section. Not being able to come out as anything because you still have no idea what exactly it is and knowing that your relationship is going to suffer, and how will your friends react, and your family loves you for being pansexual but will they still love you if you sometimes want to be a man?

Wondering more often than not "what if I'm trans" and panicking, not because I think being trans is bad (it's not) but because I've only known being a woman and now sometimes I just really want to be a male. And all the times I said I wished I didn't have breasts because they are annoying and in a way, I was actually wondering how nice it would be to have a flat chest.

Questioning your gender is so hard to deal with and understand and sometimes you just feel so alone. And still living with your parents, not being able to go out and buy the clothes you want, dress like whatever gender, wear a binder is even more difficult. I just want people to understand what it's like for us and hopefully it helps you understand what we're going through when we tell you we're upset.

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looking back on this now, i realize how far i’ve come since then, coming out, starting hormones, changing my names, scheduling top surgery. if i told 17 year old me where they’d be now, they probably wouldn’t believe me. for anyone who’s where i was 3 years ago, i promise, it gets better. you’ll get there. it just takes a little bit of time.