#wizard news

[hat-of-knowledge]

Wizard News

The Boiling Hills have quit boiling. The region is known for its inhospitable swirling red sand and geysers. The sand is just as red as ever, but is swirling less than before with the geysers mysteriously on hiatus.

We interviewed an ecologist to find out why this might be:

"I have no idea. Geysers are a geological phenomenon. Who are you? How did you get in my house?"

[wizardsisananimal]

there is now a wizard animal minecraft server live on patreon, come check it out !

this ongoing project is months in the making and just went live to patrons in a brand new minecraft tier. anyone in that tier or up gets access to the server as well as other neat patreon stuff ! there are a limited number of slots to start off, but more will open when those fill up as the server grows !

see you on the world wide wizard web <|:•)

video transcript: various shots of minecraft set to the song "dog" by c418. many of the shots show statues of large, white animals known as wizards, wearing witch hats, with 3 legs and dot-nosed smiley faces. at the end is text reading "patreon.com/wizardsisananimal" and "wizards is an animal." before cutting to black. end of transcript.

[wizard-news]

NEWS FOR THE WEEK

RIOTS CONTINUE, NO END IN SIGHT.

Gamping the Amphibious

The anti-bard riots have continued. A number of figureheads, such as Count Wizard Citizen Sunsamg and Hundred Dukes The Jameson Whittle, have emerged. Anti-bard sentiments have historically been an issue in wizard society, resulting in the bardic hideouts known as Singeasies. While many have come out into the open or been revealed by force, several locations still remain hidden, in various secret locations of the city and surrounding areas.

VAMPIRE REFORM CLUB OPENS CHAPTER IN THE CITY OF TOWERS

Kazner Darkwing

The Vampire Reform Club, long constrained to outlying citadels and towns, has opened a chapter in the heart of the City of Towers. The Club is a social establishment for vampires of all rank and station. What is discussed within the ebony walls is a closely-kept secret.

THREAT RECEIVED

Smilodon Johannes

WIZARD NEWS has received a threat in our inbox, which reads: "T̴̙̙̏̓̾̂h̵̲͒̉͛e̷͉̺̯͖͂̋̀ ̶̭͗f̵͕̗̮̲̊̀ó̴̢͙̣͕́̇͘r̴̫̽̊͐g̵̨͇̼̚ő̷̮̝̌t̵̳̿̎̚ṭ̴̋̎̕ě̷̯͂̄́ǹ̵͙͠ ̶͎̤̳̗̔ȯ̵͈̱̫̻̌r̵̨̤̊̈͑a̵̩̦̔͗͆̑n̵̨̰̯̅͌͋͝g̸͎͕̭̊e̸̘͙̖̔̊̏̈s̸̠̄̀̓͝ ̸̯͙̳͆̃͝w̸̨̛͍̔̕i̶̘̻̓̃̐̃l̸̺̳̭͝l̸̰̺̠̿̄ ̶̧̤̼͙̽̃s̸̙̠̰̊̊̈o̸̢͉̍͑̓ͅͅo̸̜̊̆̔͝n̵̮͇̞̞͋ ̴̧̛̤͓̩̽̈̋b̴͕̰̭͛͗̚ͅe̶̩̦͋ ̷͉̏͗ụ̶͖͕̟͛p̶̖̭̐̌ợ̸̥̟̊͊͗ň̴͚ ̴̝͈̊̚y̴̧̛͇̬̪̔̿ǫ̷͍́̃͒͜ư̴̠̦͖̼̈́͂̊ ̸̧̰̙͎͆̎̚͠m̷͉̩̏̾̓̈o̴̩̩͘̕r̷̞̽t̸̢͓̳̹͑̑̂̈á̶̘̠̒͂͠ͅl̴̫̈͛͗͘s̶̪̱̈͐̌̊.̵͉̘̦̌̽" [The forgotten oranges will soon be upon you mortals.] It goes without saying that we will not stand for this, and if we receive any more we will release the News Homunculi.

GNOME SENT TO PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Cam Camcam

Due to @the-gnomish-bastard's reign of terror, the IWCRR decided to, with stealth and subtlety, shunt the gnome into a near-identical paralell universe, thus making him someone else's problem. Many criticisms of this plan have been brought up. One anonymous person called the plan 'cowardice, pure and simple.'

[the-illegal-wizard-council]

Amazing news! Us and the Sexy Slug Exterminator have finished our fun wizard time together. They turned out to be sexier than anticipated and thus it has taken us more time than planned, as the cleanup procedures had to be, extended.

But the council chambers are now free for all! We can finally start accepting council members.

Any and all wizards interested are to reach out to us through the nearest raven. Just scream at it really hard and it'll forward the message. We can't really speak raven but we're sure it'll be fine

Our requirements involve being a wizard and a willingness to commit crime. Expertise in it is preffered but not required, as we appreciate bad intentions

[ahno-nimus]

WIZARD NEWS WIZARD TOURNAMENT.

Submit your favorite local* wizards

*None of the bigtimers like evilwizard, we would be crushed.

[fallow-grove]

Hello! I'm with Wizard News. How do you feel about the current riots in the City of Towers?

i saw people breaking shit and thought it was some sort of fun and cool worldwide rageroom until i asked what they were doing and they stared at me and demanded i hand over my banjo??? (I did not)

[sourcetrustme]

Taylor Swift has sadly been consumed by the Great Wizard Vortex of Northern Virginia.

The Forsaken Wizard Lord Viratrym III will be temporarily replacing Swift until the Wizard Council can successfully retrieve her corpse from the Endless Plains of Shadow and resurrect her lifeless body.

[scorpiodude64]

[gavamont]

Queso Quest day 4:

On a quest to settle a feud between the green wizard council and the indigo wizard council. The difference started with a green wizard bringing queso when an indigo wizard had signed up for that item at a potluck. This ancient feud, while not yet acted on, can only be resolved if the ultimate cheese can be found.

After a day of trying to eat Kraft American singles in a weird way and taking a wheel of parmesan for a walk in a baby stroller, I feel I’m coming closer to solving the riddle of the ultimate cheese. Utilizing @greywizard-reporter-jim ‘s very legitimately acquired scrolls regarding the Quesomancer Drafalgan, I am beginning to formulate a glyph that can bring forth the Ultimate Cheese.

Tomorrow will be a dangerous day, if you are lactose intolerant, it’s time to either get your lactaid tablets or stay inside…

[hat-of-knowledge]

Wizard News

Alvar the Ancient has been found dead. Eye witnesses say "So much blood" and "Like a hamburger factory exploded"

Alvar the Ancient turned 14,306 years old this summer. He was known for his pioneering work in binding extra dimensional beings. He is survived by his pet chinchilla, Rupert.

Alvar has not returned our request for comment.

[badoccultadvice]

What Hexen Tarot says about SBF's arrest and what happened with FTX | Wizard News & Politics

If the news doesn't have enough updates on drama for you, pull tarot cards until your wish comes true!

[wingwisher]

Today in Wizard News

Recall for scrolls of Tongues from Spell Depot: An unknown number were mislabeled and are actually scrolls of Ice Storm

Recall for scrolls of Tongues from Imp’s Refuge: These scrolls just manifest large numbers of tongues so it is unclear why a recall has been issued.

Recall for scrolls of Tongues from Dungeon Delver’s Discount: Some of them are cursed again. Still work for translation in a pinch but use at your own risk.

Part of a spellbook seeming to belong to Kestra the Gambling Mage has been recovered. If you notice any new spells appear in your spellbook this time DO NOT CAST THEM. We don’t want a repeat of last time.

Recall for scrolls of Ice Storm from Spell Hut: Sabotage.

[wizard-news]

NEWS FOR THE WEEK.

OMENS AND PORTENTS SPOTTED

Clarkii Kelp

Seers and Doomsayers across the world have begun reporting omens of doom in various forms. One reports a graveyard with a single seagull standing on each grave, while another has seen strange shadows in their oatmeal. According to omenologist Handel Nahled this wide range of portents is very rare, and even potentially universe-destroying events do not give such results. Xe says that xe "shudder to think what could be the cause".

-

WIZARD NEWS BOOK OF THE YEAR

The Dark Tribunal

It was very difficult to choose our Book of the Year, especially considering the events.

In the end we did have to come to a decision. Ultimately we decided that we should focus on outsider perspectives this year, and that's why our Book of the Year is Why People in The City Of Towers Ought to Give Me $5,760 by Leomard 'Lem' the Red. A fantastically funny autobiography about Leomard's experiences adjusting to the noncapitalist realities of Wizard Society.

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NOIRUS OUTBREAK

Gamping the Amphibious

There has recenty been a resurgence of Noirus in several communities. Noirus is a genre disease that causes infected locales to narrative and stylistic traits associated with the Noir genre.

Common symptoms are:

Ambiguous Morality

Continuous Rain

Increased Rate of Monologue

Dramatic Lighting

Existentialism

If you believe that your community is becoming infected, report it to your local Council representative.

-

THE SKULL

THE SKULL

THE SKULL

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LICH IN INHERITANCE DISPUTE

Cam Camcam

Hagatorix the Wise recently rose as a litch, and is attempting to regain their castle, library, and wardrobe from their nephew and sole heir, Gahatrixor the Knowledgeable. Gahatrixor argues that, as Hagatorix is still technically dead, Gahatrixor is legally entitled to "all their old, dusty, crap". Gahatrixor apparently intends to "Refurbish and Resell" Hahatorix's estate. Currently the Wizard Courts are still deliberating on the case.

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THE SUN WENT AWAY

Slod Mori

The wizard @nefarious-exclam briefly extinguished the sun. The sudden cold darkness caused the Ice People from time immemorial to rise from their hidden caverns and attempt to regain the world that once was theirs. The sun did get put back, but who knows what further consequences may come of these actions.

-

THE THIEF RETURNS

Corded Wyre

The Lost-Day thief has returned, and this time has left a calling card. The card reads:

THANK YOU To My Adoring Fans DAME D'LUNE

Accompanying the message is a scribbled drawing of a flute. We now know that the thief is this "Dame D'Lune", but that raises the question: Who is the Dame D'Lune?

[the-illegal-wizard-council]

We are sorry for the delays in our wizard recruitment as well as in wizard crow mail. We've recently found out that our main paperwork wizard has been secretly an ocelot and mearly impersonating an experienced wizard for years, and so we had to give it a promotion. That left us without anyone to forge all the paperwork for a while. We expect to be back on our feet as soon as we find a suitable replacement.

[ahno-nimus]

THE SKELETON WAR IS BACK

Once again the skeletons have launched an offense against the wizard community. With their bone-flutes and their inability to feel pain, they are truly a worthy opponent. We at WIZARD NEWS hope that you are all prepared by the bony onslaught (reportedly organized by @chipper-skeleton). Go forth, wizards! The SKELETON WAR is upon us!

[sayruq]