#wow i really wish this family actually felt like family and didn’t make me feel like i was going to get hurt at literally every given moment

[chilapis]

Just came back from the exam, I hope everyone is doing well.

[sainzfilm]

hey! i love your writing so much and i was wondering if you could do a drabble of charles and reader (model or actress or smth) where they’re already in an established relationship but it’d secret to the fans (friends and family know tho) and reader wants to make it public, feeling like she’s always on the side and that he’s embarrassed but actually charles feels he’s not good enough for her bc she’s also famous and so many guys like her

pairing: charles leclerc x actress!reader

a/n: me wishing i could be in a secret relationship with anyone on my favs list….anyways hope you like this anon, thank you for requesting :)

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

“And the Academy Award for Best Actress goes to…Y/N Y/L/N!”

Charles couldn’t believe what he heard on television as he cheered for you from the hotel he was staying at. You did it– his girl got the most prestigious award for an actress and he couldn’t have been anymore prouder.

You looked ethereal as you walked up the stage, wearing the biggest smile on your face and the most elegant red gown. Taking the award from the presenter, you took a deep breath and raised it up high.

“Wow, this is just surreal! I never imagined myself on this stage, let alone holding this,” You laughed softly as you looked at the award in your hands, “There isn’t much to say. I’m grateful for all the love and support I’ve gotten for the past few years in my career. I’d never be here with out my family, my best friends, and a certain special someone in my life. This is all for them, thank you!”

Sitting on the bed, Charles couldn’t believe what he just heard. You had technically mentioned him in live television. It was if you were saying that your heart belonged to him, which somewhat eased up the doubts he’s had in his mind.

It wasn’t until a few hours later when Charles’ phone lit up from a Facetime call and he hurriedly picked it up, his heart fluttering when he saw your face.

“Congratulations, mon ange!” Charles exclaimed with a big smile on his face, “How’s my girl doing? Can’t believe I’m dating an Academy Award winner.”

“Thank you, my love,” You giggled as you laid back in bed, hair sprawled over as you lifted your phone above your face, “I feel exhausted but I really wanted to talk to you.”

“You should rest first,” Charles clicked his tongue as he shook his head, putting his arm behind his head, “You know I’ll be here when you wake up, baby.”

“I don’t wanna,” You pouted, which elicited a chuckle from your Monégasque lover, “I wanted to talk to you about something though, Cha.”

“Hm, what is it, mon ange?”

“You didn’t mind that I sort of revealed our relationship during my speech earlier, right?”

Charles frowned a bit, taking longer than usual to answer.

“Cha?” You whispered as your eyebrows furrowed, “Was my connection bad?”

“No, not at all. Sorry,” He mumbled as he sat up straighter, “I just- is it the right decision, baby?”

“I think it is,” You shrugged as you put your phone up against a pillow before laying on your side to face it, “We’ve been going steady for nearly a year and…I don’t know I just want to let everyone know that I’m taken by you, you know?”

“Mon ange…” Charles sighed as he rubbed a hand down his face, “Don’t get me wrong, I love you, but it’s just…”

“Just what, Charles? I’m not good enough for you?” You frowned as your bottom lip quivered, “Are you embarrassed of everyone else in the world knowing?”

“No, baby! It’s not that,” He said as he mirrored your expression, “It’s pretty much the other way around.”

“Huh? You think you’re not good enough for me?”

Charles looked down and nodded, “Yeah. You’re just so famous, you know? I’m like a tiny speck in your universe and all these guys want you, yet you chose me.”

Hearing Charles open up about what he felt shattered your heart. How could he ever think that way? He was beyond perfect– your dream guy rolled into one certain Monégasque Ferrari driver.

“Cha…” You pouted as you looked at him through your screen, “You’re so much more than enough for me. Who cares about those guys? You’re everything that I’ve ever yearned for in my life.”

“You’re just saying that…”

“Charles Leclerc, look at me,” You sternly said as he looked at you, “Who did I pick?”

“Me.”

“Who’s my boyfriend?”

Charles grumbled, “Me.”

“I love you. My heart is yours,” You smiled reassuringly, “You’re the only one I have eyes for. I promise.”

“I love you, mon ange,” He smiled softly back at you, “Sorry you have to put up with me.”

“I could say the same to you,” You chuckled as you looked at him lovingly, fighting back a yawn, “Whats yours is mine– burdens and joys.”

“Through burdens and joys, baby. Now, go to sleep, you need to rest. I’ll be here, I’ll stay in the call.”

Yawning as you nodded, slowly drifting off to sleep, “Goodnight, Cha. I love you.”

“Goodnight, mon ange, I love you.”

As you slept peacefully, Charles stared at the ceiling and thought how light his heart felt from your reassurance. You chose him. And, maybe, it is time to let the world know how much he loved you.

bonus scene!

Liked by carlossainz55, lorenzotl, and 982,431 others

charles_leclerc my girl just won the academy award for best actress last night. always proud of you, mon ange. you’re taking the world by a storm, i love you. 🤍

view all 187,831 comments

yourusername: my cha, my il predestinato 🤍 i love love love you more than words can say.

❤️ liked by charles_leclerc

leclercupdates: HOW WHAT WHEN WHERE they’re so cute!!! 😭

carlossainz55: ay cabrón, finally! and congrats to my friend, Y/N 😜

yourusername: thank you mr. smooth operator 😌

ynlovebot: IM SCREAMING I KNEW THIS WAS COMING FOR A LONG TIME

16leclerc: TELL ME ABOUT IT I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING MY PARENTS

[supernovafics]

series masterlist | last part — next part

pairing: modern!actor!steve harrington x fem!reader

word count: 4.1k words

warnings: asshole!steve, explicit language, alcohol use, drunk!steve, angst 

summary: you still don’t like him and he doesn’t like you, but things are a bit more bearable. and when steve is drunk and needs your help, you actually decide to help him

CHAPTER THREE | ❝𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅❞

As minor as it was, that night at Steve’s apartment changed something over the next few weeks. 

Of course, you still didn’t like him and he didn’t like you— that was something that you knew would take a lot to change— but it felt a bit different now. That hint of animosity you felt for each other was channeled into you matching his asshole nature with a quippy attitude of your own, and him not seeming to mind you doing so. 

It made things feel a little more bearable, and you actually found yourself not hating every single moment of being his assistant. But you still ended each day feeling exhausted because of the fact that you were juggling doing two jobs and working yourself to death to make sure everything was right; there were barely any moments where you could actually get a breather. 

You found yourself cherishing sleep more than you probably ever had before. The barely six hours you’d get pretty much became the highlight of your nights, as depressing as that probably sounded. Therefore, when you were abruptly woken up in the middle of the night by the loud sound of your phone ringing, you groaned. 

You rolled on your side to grab it and saw that the call was coming from a random number.  

Somehow your mind immediately went to your parents. You didn’t talk to them a lot, for reasons that you tried not to dwell on too often, but you couldn’t help but think that a call from a random number in the middle of the night usually never meant anything good and most of the time it was a family related not-good thing. 

“Hello?”

“Hey.” It was Steve’s voice on the other side. 

You let out a small sigh in relief and then quickly became a little annoyed. “It’s one in the morning on a Saturday. This better be good, Harrington.”

“So, I, uh, need a little help,” He said, and there was something about the sound of his voice right then that fully woke you up. 

You sat up in your bed and a small laugh almost fell from your lips. “Oh, my God. Are you drunk right now?” 

Steve being drunk was something you never thought you’d see, or in this case, hear. In fact, the possibility of that happening never once crossed your mind because he seemed way too serious for that. You could see him having the occasional drink here and there, but full-on drunk seemed like a stretch. 

“I hate how happy you sound about this,” He said with a scoff. “But, anyway, I can’t drive right now and my phone is dead so the bartender is letting me use his to call someone to pick me up.” 

Hearing that confused you, making your eyebrows furrow. “I’m the only number you know by heart?”

“I don’t have you saved in my phone so anytime I text or call you I see your number and I've accidentally remembered it at this point,” He explained. 

“Of course that’s the reason,” You responded with a roll of your eyes that you wish he could’ve seen. “Do you even know my name?”

He sighed at that. “Of course I do, I swear I hear someone say it at least five times a day when they drone on and on about how helpful you were at solving some issue or whatever the fuck else on set.”

You smirked at how annoyed he sounded. “Aw, are you jealous that you’re not the star of the show?”

“Well, I am the lead of the movie, so maybe I am a little jealous.”

“I’m quite flattered.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” He said and somehow you could practically hear him rolling his eyes. It was both hilarious and satisfying to know just how much you got under his skin even when he was drunk. “Are you gonna come or what?”

You mock gasped. “Wow, that’s really not the way to talk to someone that you need help from. Especially when that someone is really only supposed to be available to you during filming hours. And last time I checked, a night shoot isn’t scheduled until this Wednesday.”

“Can you please help and come pick me up?” He asked in the most deadpan voice you probably ever heard. 

“For an award winning actor, the delivery on that line was pretty shitty,” You said as you laughed a bit. “But, I’ll still come get you. What’s the name of the bar?”

“Uh, I actually don’t remember. Hold on a second.” You could hear the phone being placed down as Steve began talking to who you assumed was the bartender; you could barely hear whatever they were saying. “Okay, it’s called Ace of Spades.”

You put him on speaker and then went to look up the bar. “What the hell? It says it’s an hour away.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”  

“Jesus Christ,” You said and shook your head as you shut your eyes because you desperately wanted to go back to sleep. “Why did you go there?” 

“Wanted to lessen my chances of potentially getting recognized. The paparazzi would have a field day with this shit.”

That actually made a lot of sense, but you refused to tell him that. 

You got out of bed and began rummaging around in your closet for a pair of sweatpants to slip on over your pajama shorts along with a jacket. “I’m coming now.”

“Thanks,” He said before you hung up. 

That was the only completely serious “thank you” you’d ever gotten from him, and of course, you knew it was only because he was drunk. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The bar was in what felt like the absolute middle of nowhere and it also felt like the sort of place a horror movie would start in. 

The parking lot was practically empty aside from a few cars, one of which you knew was Steve’s, so when you walked in, it was unsurprising to see that the place was also empty. However, you were surprised, or more so creeped out, by the amount of “country” vibes the place emulated; cowboy hats littering the walls along with American flags. There was even a massive deer head hanging up that you inwardly cringed at before turning your attention to the bartender standing behind the counter.   

“Hey, I’m looking for–” Before you could even finish your statement he nodded his head in the direction of the series of booths that were a few feet away, one of which Steve was sitting at with his head down in his folded arms. You gave the bartender a small, grateful smile. “Thanks.”

You sat down across from Steve and leaned back in the booth. You simply looked at him for a brief moment before nudging his leg with your foot underneath the table. “Steve.” 

He only mumbled something that you couldn’t make out and burrowed his head further in his arms. 

With a small sigh, you reached out and began poking his head until he finally sat up and looked at you. “Oh, hey.”

The way he said the two simple words made it sound as if he was surprised to see you sitting in front of him.  

You furrowed your eyebrows at him. “Hi? Do you not remember calling me?” 

“Vaguely, yeah,” He said and when you scoffed with a shake of your head, he only smiled at you. “I’m kidding, I remember it very clearly. Me needing your help, and you being pissed at me calling. I feel like that’s how most of our phone calls go, actually.” 

You rolled your eyes at how he easily simplified all of your conversations. “The only reason I’m ever pissed when I talk to you is because you’re being a dick.”

He completely disregarded your statement. “Nice shirt, by the way.”

Confused at his words, you looked down at the shirt you had on. It was a white t-shirt that had the Pepsi logo on it, but it said “Sexsi” in the middle of it instead of “Pepsi.” You’d completely forgotten you were wearing it. 

You crossed your arms over your shirt. “I still can just leave you here, y’know.”

“That would suck.”

You almost laughed at that response because he somehow seemed even more drunk than when you talked to him on the phone. And it had been an hour, so he should’ve been at least a little less drunk at this point.

“Did you drink more after we talked?” 

“Ben wanted to cut me off, but I tipped him really big so I could get two final shots,” Steve answered with a smile. “I’m just realizing that his name is Ben the Bartender. That’s honestly pretty fucking cool.”

“Oh, my God. I can’t believe this is happening right now,” You mumbled. A part of you wanted to laugh while the other part of you just wanted to stare at him in disbelief. “If you puke in my car, I will leave you on the side of the highway.” 

“Very, very harsh,” He responded as he leaned back and closed his eyes, but only for a moment because you gave him another nudge under the table.  

“Come on, let’s go,” You said before slipping out of the booth. “You can walk okay, right?”

Steve rolled his eyes at you as if he was offended by your question and then stepped out of the booth, but he only made it a few steps before he stumbled a bit. You sighed as you moved closer to his side, draping one of his arms around your shoulders and wrapping one of yours around him. You started leading him toward the door. 

“Wait, you paid your tab, right?” You asked, but before giving Steve a chance to answer you, you turned your attention toward Ben who was still standing behind the bar and was now cleaning up. “He paid his tab, right?”

“Yeah, he’s all good,” Ben responded and you nodded, glad that you didn’t have to worry about that. You kept heading toward the door and then he spoke again before you pushed it open. “You’re a good girlfriend.”

You knew that you’d never see this guy again so you didn’t care enough to correct the mistake. Instead, you gave him a weak smile and just continued leading Steve out of the bar and toward your car. 

Steve laughed a bit as he settled in the passenger seat. “He thought you were my girlfriend?”

“Shut up,” You said and then handed him a water bottle that you had grabbed from your fridge because you knew that he’d probably need it. “Drink this.” 

He nodded before taking a few sips and then placing the bottle in his lap. “Can I charge my phone?”

“Yeah, the cord’s right there.” You pointed to the center console. 

You had been driving for no more than fifteen minutes before you got stuck in traffic that was nothing like what you experienced driving to the bar. There was a bunch of construction happening that, according to a sign, was going to go on for the next twenty miles. 

“I truly deserve a fucking raise for doing this,” You said as you slumped back in your seat. Your car was barely moving above ten miles per hour. 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Steve said in a tone that sounded completely unserious and sarcastic, and then he reached over to pat your head.

You glared harshly at him. “Don’t ever do that again.”

He only laughed a bit at your annoyance and then nodded his head. “Got it.”

From there, you both allowed silence, aside from the music softly playing on the radio, to take over the car, which you were fine with. In fact, you’d take complete silence over hearing whatever dumb drunk comments Steve would make. 

But after only a few minutes of that, you were reminded of a question that had been on your mind probably since he called you. “What were you doing at a bar, anyway?” 

Your question was met with nothing but more silence, and for a moment you actually felt bad asking that question because maybe it was a touchy subject for him. But when you looked over at Steve, you saw that he was fast asleep; eyes shut and leaning back against the headrest. 

You let out a small sigh and continued driving, still barely moving anywhere over the next ten minutes. Conveniently, that was when Steve’s phone started vibrating in the cup holder where he placed it. You glanced down and saw that he was getting a call from someone named “Robin,” and you simply watched as it continued to ring and then went to voicemail. 

You expected that to be it, but then his phone started ringing again from the same person. You hesitated for a brief moment before letting it go to voicemail that time as well. But, it was on the third call that you decided you needed to answer it because apparently Robin really wanted to talk to Steve and maybe them calling multiple times meant that it was important. 

You placed the phone at your ear. “Hello?”

“Hi,” It was a girl’s voice on the other end. “Uh, who is this?”

You could understand her confusion so you quickly said, “I’m Steve’s assistant.”

“You don’t sound like Sheila.”

You were startled by the sudden sharpness of her words, and you quickly came to the conclusion that maybe you shouldn’t have answered the call. You took a breath before speaking again. “Sheila is pregnant and on bed rest, so I’m his assistant for the time being.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I forgot she was pregnant.” Robin said and then sighed. “Sorry for being kinda hostile. Steve’s my best friend, and it’s still so weird having a friend that’s famous. I’m never sure if I’m talking to a normal person or his stalker who’s kidnapping him. Glad to know you’re not a kidnapper.”

“I’m glad too? Sorry, I don’t really know how to respond to that, but I think I get what you mean,” You let out a small laugh and took a quick glance over at Steve and saw that he was, unsurprisingly, still sleeping. “But, Steve’s unavailable right now, so I can tell him to call you back, or I can give him a message if you want, I guess?”

“Yeah, um, just tell him that we missed him at Nancy and Jonanthan’s wedding, and we all wish he could’ve been here.”

Hearing that managed to both confuse and surprise you, but you still nodded your head even though she couldn’t see you. “Okay, got it. I’ll tell him.”

Somehow it was easy to hear the smile in her voice as she said, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem,” You responded and the call ended from there. 

You took another glance at Steve as you put his phone down back in the cup holder, and it was then that you realized how little you actually knew about him. Yes, the news articles that were centered around him told you things and even the short conversations you’d had with him over the past few weeks of being his assistant told you some stuff too, but none of it really told you anything.

It didn't tell you about his life outside of the film industry and Hollywood, and it definitely didn’t tell you that he was missing out on important moments with friends and family because of filming and everything that came along with it.

Maybe that was what led him to the bar; feeling something that resembled homesickness because he was missing out on an important moment for people that were his friends— or maybe even family; you were unsure of who exactly Nancy and Jonathan were. 

You knew how lonely of a job this whole acting thing could be, you’d been working in the film industry for so long that it was way too easy to see that; and sometimes it was even easier to feel it so harshly in your own way. You couldn’t even remember the last time you actually hung out with friends or accepted an invitation to do something fun with them. Instead, your mind was always on your job, focused fully on production and making sure everything was running smoothly. 

There were little moments where you hated how much you let the job consume your life— surely there was a better way to balance it all— but seeing everything come together in the end made it all worth it in your mind. You wondered if Steve felt the same way too. 

But, if that was the case, then he probably wouldn’t be drunk in your passenger seat on the same night that he was missing out on a wedding that his friends and family all wished he could’ve been at. 

Or maybe that was exactly why he was drunk in your passenger seat. He’d rather drink to avoid the sadness, and maybe even that all too familiar feeling of loneliness, rather than face it or even dwell on it because he believed that all of this would be worth it in the end. 

You were unsure of how right that assumption was— perhaps it was your sleep deprived brain making him seem more human than he actually was— but that potentially delusional thought still managed to change something for you. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It was the sound of your front door opening that slightly woke you up. And then it was you realizing that you shouldn’t even hear your front door opening from your bedroom that fully woke you up and made you immediately remember that you had decided to sleep on the couch. 

Many hours earlier, after enduring a near ninety minute drive back to LA, you decided to bring Steve back to your place; mainly because it seemed like it would’ve been too much work to lug him up to his own apartment, and also because, for some reason, it didn’t feel right to simply leave him and go. You let him take your bed and prayed to God that he wouldn't throw up in it before you settled yourself on your couch and immediately fell asleep. 

Now, hours later, you were awake but still a bit bleary-eyed as your attention turned toward the door and you saw Steve shut it behind him. 

He offered you a small smile as you took in the sight of him. Two drinks balancing in one of those cardboard cup holder things in one hand, and a bag with the words “Tommy’s Coffee” branded on the side of it in his other— it was the same place where you would get his coffee and breakfast sandwich from practically every morning. 

Steve set everything on the dining room table. “I had it delivered.”

You nodded at that and walked over to him, the blanket that you pulled from your linen closet to sleep with last night still wrapped around you. 

The exchange was silent. Steve handed you the slightly smaller drink and then a wrapped up breakfast sandwich, and you watched as he took a sip of his own coffee and sat down. 

You took a long sip of yours and almost sighed in contentment at how perfect it was, and then you unwrapped the breakfast sandwich and saw that it was exactly what you would always get. 

Things stayed quiet as you both started eating, and it was a silence that felt weird and awkward. Mainly because what was happening right then was completely unchartered territory. A part of you thought that you’d wake up and he’d just be gone; like the drunk incident never happened and neither of you would bring it up come Monday or any day after that. You definitely didn’t expect to be eating breakfast with him, and you couldn’t help but wonder if that meant you were supposed to discuss last night. 

Finally, you decided to speak, but not about what would’ve probably made sense to talk about. “How did you know what to get me?”

“Whenever you give me my coffee and food, the receipt is on the bag, and it shows what you ordered for yourself,” He answered and that response actually surprised you, but you wouldn’t ever tell him that. 

“Very observant,” You said and then took another sip from your coffee. You fully expected him to follow up with saying something about how he only remembered your order because it “sucked,” the opening was right there for him to make that sort of annoying comment, but he didn’t. “Um, thank you for this, though.”

Steve shook his head at you as if you shouldn’t have been thanking him. “Thanks for last night. I don’t remember a lot of it, but still,” His shoulders upturned in a small shrug. “You also really didn’t have to let me take your bed.”

“The couch sucks for tall people, and I didn’t want to subject you to that,” Your answer was only partially true, you mainly gave him your bed because, despite everything, you felt bad for him. If he was sad or lonely or whatever else, it would’ve sucked waking up on your old couch which you’ve had for years and probably should’ve gotten rid of at this point. 

“Oh, also,” You started and then immediately stopped talking because you were unsure how to continue. You looked away from him for a brief moment; you were nervous and you hated that you were. “Uh, when you were asleep in my car last night your phone was ringing a lot, so I answered it because I thought maybe it was important. It was Robin, she said she was your friend. She also told me to tell you that you were missed at Nancy and Jonathan’s wedding and everyone wishes you could’ve gone. You should probably call her back when you get the chance.”

He only nodded before simply saying, “Okay,” and then took another bite of his sandwich. 

You became even more nervous, and equally confused, at the fact that things were so normal right then. And it was far from the normal that you’d become so used to with him; he wasn’t mad or annoyed at you, and he was actually being somewhat nice to you and not at all an asshole. 

That made you further think that what you assumed last night was the truth. And there was something about his demeanor right then that told you that maybe he was still a little sad about it all. 

“You know if you had wanted to go to the wedding, I'm sure Jessie would’ve been okay with pushing filming back; she's really understanding of personal stuff. And plus, we’re actually a bit ahead on filming so it probably would’ve been okay having a break for a day or two.”

“It’s not…” He trailed off and shook his head. “It’s not that.” 

It was easy to tell that he didn’t want to talk about it— the wedding, his friends, that part of his life that didn’t involve acting— so you didn’t push him further on any of it, although you were so fucking curious. 

“Okay,” You said softly and then cleared your throat. “So, your car is still stranded at the bar. We should probably go get that.” 

“You don’t have to come. I can figure out another way to get it.” 

You shook your head. “No, it’s okay. But I refuse to make that drive three times in a row, so you can drive there and I’ll sleep in the passenger seat.” 

He laughed a bit, it was a sound that was so foreign to your ears but you didn’t mind it. “Honestly, that’s a very fair deal.”

It felt weird to genuinely smile at him but you did so anyway. 

You were unsure what was happening right then, and what things would be like Monday felt like a mystery to you. A part of you wanted it all to go back to how it had been— him being rude and you dealing with it— because this Steve in front of you wasn’t the one that you’d grown to know over the past few weeks.

But then you once again remembered that you actually didn’t really know him. And maybe now you were finally getting a glimpse into that. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

next chapter!

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- This Is Us Movie

2013

Part 36

Ok so before we get into this one this will be written in 3rd person as if the reader is the one watching the film (does that make sense? I have no clue) it will probably jump around a little from scene to scene and I also won’t really be including anything on stage. Anyway I hope you enjoy.

29th August and everyone is waiting in anticipation for This Is Us Movie to start. Chattering can be heard until Niall’s voice is heard The screen is black as Niall says

“When I was small I had a desk, it was weird because I wrote on it ‘when I grow up I wanna be a singer’ I like scribbed it in. And it’s still on the desk”

“Life at home was my mum, dad me and my three sisters” Zayn now speaks as photos of the boys houses and where they lived start showing “you can say I had a heavy woman influence from a young age”

“We lived in a tiny house and I used to have a little bed in my mum and dads room” Niall’s voice says again the screen showing a picture of when he was younger

“I used to sit on the windowsill and imagine things like winning the lottery” Liam says

“When I was little I knew I wanted to entertain people I was a proper show off” Harry says as photos of Harry are shown

“When I was at school I was the class clown I’ve always been that guy who made people laugh” Louis’s voice says

“When I was younger, I was shy. I didn’t want to be the centre of attention. It was my mum who was the outgoing one, she could sing, I guess that’s where I got it from” YN says as photos of her family are shown “it was just me, mum and dad growing up, mum tried to get me to join different activities, but I was to shy”

The photos transition from family pictures to photos of the o2 arena which then transitions to video footage. Music playing and Liam is seen walking out onto the stage singing ‘up all night’ before the rest of the band start singing.

The first song ends and video footage of fans stood out side the arena is show chanting and screaming. More footage is shown of different tours and news anchors talking about then band.

“Wether we’re together or apart we can both remove the marks and admit we regret it from the start” the boys and YN sing, harmonising while walking backstage towards the front of the arena

“Oh my….” YN gasps holding her dog cookie in her arms

“Its scary being here now. I feel a bit nervous” Liam says to YN.

Harry and Louis are playing football as Paul the choreographer tells the boys and YN to start rehearsals

“Louis your on that end YN move into the middle” the screen shows the boys and YN rehearsing before it changes to them trying on outfits

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the mum of the group getting the boys to do as they are told” YN tells the camera in a dressing room while Harry is taking funny photos “H take a serious photo would you!” YN scolds and immediately Harry takes a nice picture of him in his outfit.

———

“That is sick” Louis says looking at the stage

“Holy… wow” Liam says stunned at the lights

“I wish my mum could be here to see this, to see us”

“She is. She’s always here” Harry hugs YN as the screen transitions to YN sat down

“When I auditioned for X-Factor I truly didn’t think I was going to get through. My mum always thought I should go on and since I was able to I knew I had to do her proud” a photo of YN and her mum are put on screen. It’s a photo of them smiling while out at a flower field “I miss her so much everyday” YN tucks a loose piece of her hair behind her ear revealing the tattoo she has in dedication for her mum.

The boys talk about their experience being formed

“It was crazy the day YN joined” Liam says sitting down in a room “we had only just gotten used to each other then there was Simon bringing in a girl to join us at judges houses”

“YN and I actually met during the auditions and when I saw her walking in with Simon I felt confused”

“Seeing Niall there I felt my anxiety lower, all I could think of is thank god one member will be ok with me. I was so scared joining the band”

“It was vital that we became friends before we became colleagues” a video of YN, Harry, Niall, Liam, Zayn and Louis is shown. They’re all sat outside on a hot day laughing at something Harry had said.

———

“I’m going to miss you” YN says to Cookie as they lay on the floor while Harry is packing his bag. Cookie then licks YNs face

“She loves that dog more than she loves us” the music stops and Louis laughs from across the room “see doesn’t even deny it” the screen switch’s to Niall then Liam then back to Harry and YN “are you going to pack? Our flight is in 4 hours”

“Soon. Let me just cuddle Cookie a little more”

“See loves her more than us”

———

“Madison Square Garden. The worlds most famous arena. Just sums it up. I don’t know where we go from here really. It’s mad” Liam says next to a banner

“I’m really nervous”

“Me to bro” Niall and Liam are sat down on some chairs looking out as the crew move around to build the stage.

The screen changes to the boys and YN on the stage doing a rehearsal, but YN is on the floor with an ice pack on her ankle

“YN went over her ankle with her heals on” footage is then shown of YN running on the stage and slipping and Zayn trying to catch her “so we’re just waiting to find out if she can perform tonight or if she needs to go to the hospital” Harry says to the camera then back to YN when she starts saying ow as Niall and Liam help her up. Harry then walks away from the camera and grabs a chair for her to sit on. The camera zooms in on YNs face in pain.

———

Niall is seen running down the halls with YN in a wheelchair then into a room where Liam and Louis are

“I’m so nervous for tonight” YN says “not only are our parents here tonight but I have a bad ankle”

“Are you doing the show in the wheelchair?” Niall asks YN

“No going to take paracetamol and wear trainers. Hopefully I don’t hurt it more, but I’m performing here” YN says determined.

The next scene is of YN getting out of her wheelchair and running to her dad who walks into the area with Anne and Robin. Tears can be seen in all of their eyes

“I’m so proud of you” Thomas says holding his little girl in his arms. YN let’s go of her dad and give both Anne and Robin a hug before Harry is seen bringing back her wheel chair and demanding she carries on resting her ankle until they go on stage.

———

After live while we’re young the camera switches to Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn and YN all lying down in an airport lounge trying to catch up on sleep while Zayn has a voice over saying that it’s non stop. It then shows an airplane flying over Tokyo and the band leaving the plane. Cameras flash and paparazzi call their names

“This is a little strange. This many photographers aren’t allowed in the building in the Uk” Harry says walking next to YN who is trying to keep her head down. The airport is crazy full of fans. The band all take time to sign autographs and take photos

“I never thought I’d be here in Japan with this many fans wanting to take a photo of me or have my autograph. Sometimes I feel like I’m in some crazy fever dream that I’m going to wake up from and find that is 2010 again and I haven’t auditioned”

The next scene is of Harry reading a Japanese news paper, Liam balancing a tea pot on Louis head. He then pours milk into the cup. The camera pans between Harry and YN who shakes her head smiling

“I work with children and I’m actually the youngest here” YN chuckles as Louis runs off spilling the tea and cracking a plate. Harry shakes the news paper and then his head.

———

“Right lads and lady were tourists for the day” Liam says taking a photo of YN, Harry, Louis and Niall stood in front of the Eiffel Tower

“We don’t often get to explore the country we’re in so if we ever get the chance to we definitely take it”

“It feels like an adventure everyday” Niall says

“It’s like a big holiday really. With a lot of work involved” Liam says to the camera

“It’s a good job I enjoy my job and my coworkers” YN says “well sometimes” YN then walks off leaving a stunned Harry

“Hey that’s rude”

———

“I’m just a natural aren’t I really. I don’t mess around that’s the main thing for me” the camera points to Liam who’s fishing, Harry who’s lay down with his eye closed and YN who’s looking out to sea “I think the Europe trip so far has just flown by. When you think about tour rehearsals and everything, it seems such a long time ago now”

“I know” Harry says putting his hand in front of his face trying to block the sun while he looks at Liam. YN turns to look at her best friends

“Do you remember when you walked in and Simon said we would be working together?” Harry asks YN

“Yeah. I was so scared you guys were going to hate me or something. I mean when I first joined there were little clashes here and there but it wasn’t anything huge”

“Yeah we were just trying to change dynamic a bit. Like be respectful to you a stuff” Harry says looking back at YN

“If I wasn’t in One Direction right now I think I’d be in a factory or being a fireman” Liam says

“I’d probably be living back home in Shrewsbury doing something at Uni. Would you have opened your own bakery?” YN turns to Harry

“I was a great baker”

“And yet we’re still waiting for you to bake us something”

“I will… one day”

“Fish!

“Yes!”

“Ahhh don’t you dare” YN squeals as Liam brings it over to her

“Come on YN give it a kiss”

“No!”

“When we’re on tour they’re still young people who like playing games” Preston one of the security guards says as video clips off Harry running away from him is shown

“I am their dad on the road” Paul Huggins says “the only issue I have is that they’re all a pain in my ass. Yes even sweet little YN” the next clip is YN hiding under a table then grabbing peoples legs making them scream “the boys have corrupted her”

“We’ve got some days off scheduled. The boys are going home, Im staying in LA for a bit. I’m going to miss them. I spend so much of my time with them, I live with Louis and Harry so it’s hard when we’re not together. It’s like somethings missing” YN hugs her befriends as they leave her alone at the airport “I know I’ll see them soon, but part of me wants us to stay together. Love you!” YN shouts. 

———

“Sometimes the media can get to me” YN shows a photo of YN and Liam walking around LA “this was taken when I stayed in LA for a little bit before going back home to see my dad. Im in Australia right now, the boys are coming soon because we will be doing the last part of tour here then in Japan. I guess like any job there positives and negatives. I love what I do, but it’s had when you get hate for living your life. It can be hard, but I have some of the most amazing friends and family who help me through all of that” the camera then shows a video of YN running up to Niall who picks her up and swings her round “there’s truly something special about our friendship. I never feel separated from them because I’m a woman” another clip of YN Harry scooping YN up into a bear hug is shown “they’re part of my family”

“I’m so proud of YN” Thomas, YN’s dad is shown on screen sitting in his kitchen “she’s always been rather shy and after her mum died that shyness almost took over her” again another clip of YN and the boys is shown, this time of them racing each other in an arena “if she hadn’t of joined the band I don’t think she would have coped. The boys have become her befriends and have brought this other side out of her. A more happy and confident side that I haven’t seen since before Lisa passed away”

“We’re back baby!” YN shouts having a group hug with the band as ‘one way or another’ starts playing and the clip changed to them on stage singing.

———

“I can’t believe you threw water on each other and got me wet” YN laughs looking at the 2 culprits while they all sit on the tour bus

“Own up! Who’s farted!” Louis says

“Niall own up” Harry says laughing

“You know, sometimes when its really smelly, Niall doesn't admit it” Louis continues

“Hold on who here never admits to them but we all know they’re the worst” Niall then points to YN

“No don’t blame me. I don’t admit to them because I don’t do them on the bus”

“No she saves them for stage” Zayn laughs

“Hey it’s not my fault I have nervous farts”

“Kinda is” Harry says and YN is seen hitting Harry playfully making him laugh.

———

“How the hell did you get me to agree to go camping with you” YN laughs carrying a large back pack

“Is there any bears in Sweden?” Liam asks

“Where we putting the tent?” Louis asks

“Put it over here” Niall directs the boys and YN

“I’m hungry” YN groans

“We need to make a fire first”

“I’m on pine cone duty” Louis says sounding extremely happy

“Oh it’s good the instructions are in Swedish” Liam saying looking at the little booklet

“We don’t need instructions Liam”

“I’m hungry” YN moans again

“Are you gonna come and help?” Harry asks YN

“But I’m hungry” YN now pulls out at a packet of crisps and sits down on a chair

“Where… how did you… you know what you sit there and eat your crisps”

The day turns into night and the band are sat around the campfire. YN and Harry are sharing a blanket to keep them warm

“Do you think if one of us wasn’t in the band we wouldn’t be this big?” Liam asks

“No, definitely not” Harry shakes his head

“I don't think so either. I think we each balance each other out” liam replies

“What’s mad is one day we won’t be doing this” Louis says

“No mater what we do or where we go in life, I just want you all to know that this has been the most amazing experience of my life”

“Awww YN!” Harry hugs YN tightly into him

“I mean it. I’m proud of us. Whether we last for 10 year or just another year. I will always look back at these memories with fondness”

“Do you think we’ll still be mates?” Zayn asks

“I hope so. Even if don’t talk all the time I think we will always be proud of one another”

“Ok YN your getting to soppy!” Harry says.

———

“It’s the last day of tour and while a part of me is excited to have a break, I’m going to miss being here on tour, being with these idiots every day” YN says “I can’t believe that we are able to do what we love and it’s all thanks to the people who are supporting us. Weather they’ve supported us from day one on X-Factor or have only found out about us today. Thank you, it truly means the world to us all” with that the the video fades of a video of the band bowing before it cuts to the credits.

[loveliestpenguin]

Today I went to go see the showing of Arrietty in the movie theater! It has always been my comfort film as it’s mine and many others introduction to g/t. I might be a little biased to say that the cozy atmosphere and music make it one of the best ghilbi movies as well!

Anyways, it was just my luck that when we got there the movie wasn’t even playing. Not even the credits played, just a blank screen. Strange, but the packed theater waited patiently as we continued to wonder why nothing was showing. 10 minutes passed by, then 20 and then 30. By then a lot of people got up to see what was going on and I was so sad as I realized I probably wouldn't be able to see it today.

The first time I saw this movie it was special, as it was my mom and I in an empty theater where we were able to completely immerse ourselves in the borrowers world. I don’t really remember all that much as I was pretty young, but from what my mom tells me, she says that she couldn’t take her eyes off me watching it for the first time, as I was completely enthralled through the entirety of the movie. She often fondly tells me that it is her favorite memory of me and how that film also shares a space in her heart.

Back in the present, I was quickly getting bored and realized that I could just pull up HBO Max on my phone to watch Arrietty from there. Needless to say my arms felt like jello from holding my phone up so long for the people in the back and myself to watch the movie. I had to switch arms a few times to keep it level, but I kept going to entertain the crowd and I. I didn’t turn on the volume but it was pretty funny to hear the people in the back actually watch it with me on my phone. (Subtitles and all)

“I feel bad for the people who can’t see this in the front”

“Hey, look it’s actually Arrietty!”

“This is better than nothing. Sitting here watching a blank screen for forty minutes.”

“The art in this movie just makes me want to rewatch it over and over. Shame we can’t see it on the big screen, but this will suffice.”

“I wish I was Arrietty fr :/“

“Wow the only thing missing is the stellar music”

“Thank you person in the front!”

Super disappointed that I couldn’t revisit seeing it on the big screen one more time, but luckily my friends and I got refunds because it wasn’t cheap. 😭🙏

Once I got home though, I rummaged through my dvd collection and rewatched Arrietty on the big 72 inch in the family room. If only I were a borrower, so that I could see it my tv like the real cinema.

[the-daily-multi-fandom-post]

Hi,

I saw your other post for the match up and was wondering if you could do one for me to please? :) I’d prefer TWD if that’s alright. I’m relatively tall and slim and British tho I’ve lived abroad a lot. I don’t really have a type except for broken guys 🤦‍♀️ it’s problematic ik. I like overprotective guys but I’m also pretty protective too, especially when it comes to my family. I can get jealous but I try not to and I always get really attached but don’t show it until I think it’s reciprocated, at least a little. I hate if I’m excluded from things that I can actually do and I can be clumsy. I’m not really a girly girl but on occasion I do like to dress nicely.

I think that’s everything.

Thank you so much and if you can’t or don’t want to do it, I totally understand :)

I match you with mr. Rick Grimes.

Request are open, send ‘em in!

You met Rick when the apocalypse first happened. You were trying to get some supplies when she ran into him.

When Rick seen this woman his first instinct was to take her in. He didn’t even know her, but from first glance he felt something there.

You two kinda danced around each other for months. You would long for each other from a distance.

You tried to keep a safe distance from everyone for the longest time. You didn’t want to get to attached to anyone, cuz tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Especially, in an apocalypse.

There would be times when you would think Rick was flirting with you. You craved for his attention, but that overwhelming feeling that these people were just going to ripped from your hands caused you to feel.. overwhelmed.

Rick is very protective of his group. He would always look out for the group and do whatever it is that needs to be done.

You loved how Rick protected his group. Rick didn’t treat his group like another number of survivors. He genuinely cared for them and considered them to be his family. Hell, they were raising his kids with him.

You could handle yourself. You could fight off the flesh eating monsters. That didn’t bother you one bit. You were very, very protective and strong which is one of the reasons Rick falls for you.

He always included you with anything they did. If someone left you out he included you. -he would go out of his way to include you.

Rick knew you were the one when the two of you went on a supplies run. Y’all ended up at a small strip mall. You cleared the store while Rick watched the front of the store for safety.

You collected supplies in your bag, clothes for the men and women of the group. Clothes for some of the little ones. But as you collected the clothing supplies you came across a dress untouched by the destruction around it.

Rick didn’t expect what he saw next.

Rick heard clicking of shoes and turned around. Seeing you in a (f/c) summer dress. It was beautiful and flowy.

“Wow, I was not expecting that.” he says as he looks you up and down. “Oh, this?” you would question as you twirled around. “I found this dress and I just couldn't help it. It's like a finding a diamond in the rough.” he smiles when he sees her smile. Not a fake forced smile, a smile that just tells everyone you're okay for the timing being and an actually genuine smile. “Well, you look beautiful.” He would tell you making you blush.

It’s not because you dressed girlie and he thought you were the one. But because you are so optimistic, living in the moment type person. Rick loves that when he is around you the whole world around him is no longer dangerous. You made him feel like there was no flesh eating monsters out there. You make him wish that it was you that he met first before his late wife Lori. You he wished he would’ve had kids with. A life with before shit hit the fan.

He loves your “badass-ness”. He has seen you take out 10 walkers alone. Did he like that he had to watch you take on 10 walkers along. Hell, no. But he had no other choice.

This was after the fall of the prison. You were trying to make it out alive. Rick was in no position to fight off the dead. And Carl.. well you made him help Rick keep standing ad you killed off the walkers. One by one with just a knife. You praised God that you came out of there unscathed.

So yeah, you and rick are the power couple of the apocalypse. I hope you like it. Sorry for any mistakes.

[queenofbaws]

hello hello my friends!!! just a quick little update from yours truly - and a few snippets, of course ;)c

things continue to be strange and chaotic here, and as a result, my brain has decided to be...strange and chaotic :P i've been trying to stick to one project at a time and just soldier through, but said chaos is making that rough, so i'm trying to just get words down as they occur to me, regardless of what project they're for. so, much as i'd like to say "keep your eyes peeled for an [x] update soon!" the reality is that i have...no idea what's going to hold my attention for the next ten minutes, hahaha.

what i will say is i currently have three ongoing projects that are priorities, and those are like wringing blood from a stone, of mummy men & bathtub soup, and the tale(s) of the champion - so i've included little teaser snippets of those below! as always, thanks for your patience, your well-wishes, and for reading!!! i hope you and yours are doing well, and that you're being extra kind to yourselves now that we're entering the winter months <3

like wringing blood from a stone

“Holy smokes, you sure take ‘protect and serve’ seriously out here, huh? Thirty minutes or your arrest is free—is it that kinda thing?” His head was spinning too fast to make a lick of sense out of that; luckily, Diane wasn’t having the same problem. “Believe it or not, he was already here. Kaitlyn, this is…” she paused just long enough to meet Chris’s gaze, but he couldn’t for the life of him read what he saw there in her eyes. “…uh, well, meet Sheriff Hackett.” “Sheriff Ha—oh.” Then, with more feeling, “Oh. I…huh, wow, really? I don't think I would've guessed that.” Chris shrugged. “We get that a lot. Turns out there were only enough handsome genes for one sibling in this family.” “Yeah,” Diane sighed, “and it’s a crying shame it’s Bobby who got ‘em all.” That broke the tension instantly. Chris and Travis both whirled to stare at her, expressions incredulous. Gently nudging Kaitlyn’s shoulder, Diane nodded towards them. “See?” she asked. “Now you can tell they’re related.” “Wow, you’re not wrong! Weird.”

of mummy men & bathtub soup

“Oh good God, Alex. This is obviously some kind of dumb joke—” “Did you find something?” Ashley asked suddenly, looking up from the table. “Something that felt like it was…I don’t know, um, hidden? Not just lost or left behind but actually hidden?” Even knowing it was bullshit, Conrad had to admit…Brown had been well cast. A finger of dread slid down his spine in a lover’s caress, making him shudder; Alex and Julia, less sure of the truth behind this whole debacle, did a little more than that. Fuck, he watched the color drain from JJ’s face like she was some kind of cartoon character, and Mr. Big Bad Med School Bro wasn’t doing a whole hell of a lot better, by the looks of it. The spell broke when Julia whirled on Alex. “Did you say any—” she froze, turning on him then. “You told them! You told them, didn’t you, you little shit weasel?!” Chris sat up straighter. “Shit weasel?”

the tale(s) of the champion

“Which one,” she repeated. “It’s the first thing Varric said during his questioning, did you know that?” The smile in her voice made its first appearance, quirking the corners of her mouth into a shape subtle enough that the Inquisitor felt as though the two of them were in on some secret joke together. “Cassandra asked him…well, demanded of him, I suppose, that he tell her everything he knew about the Champion. And he responded by asking her—” “Which one.” She watched Leliana’s smile grow. It wasn’t by much, but it was there all the same. The sense of being in on a joke grew right along with it. “Now, she probably thought he was poking fun at her…and in all likelihood he was, but of course we know now that there was so much more to it, don’t we?” Leliana rose from her table with the grace of a ghost, each fluid movement reminding her in no uncertain terms that, spymaster or not, agent of the Divine or not, the woman opposite her was, at the end of the day, a bard before all else. “Cassandra is skilled in many, many areas, Inquisitor, as I’m sure you’ve come to learn. Certainly she’s without equal on the battlefield, but when it comes to…reading people, let us say…” Again that inscrutable smile grew. “Well…suffice it to say an answer like that would’ve caught my attention, had I been the one questioning him.” “But you weren’t.” The last word came out strangely choked—she hadn’t been able to decide whether or not she’d wanted it to be a question.

[thisisanude]

it hurts so bad it hurts so bad God God God i’m fucked i’m fucked this is so painful i don’t know how to deal this hurts so bad i feel like my body is shutting down i feel like i can tdocsnhthjgg and there’s no solution there’s no fix because there’s no way i could ever 1) come out to my family and 2) leave my perfect boyfriend that my family loves and that i also love and have so many good memories with ???? but why am i so sad why does it feel so bad how am i going to get over this im literally nonstop feeling this awful feeling of impending doom and it’s just getting worse and seeing her feels so good but hurts a lot like so bad and i can’t do this i really don’t know what to do i need to make a choice i don’t want to make it i really don’t want to please don’t make me please don’t i hate this so bad and the guilt of emotional cheating is eating me up so bad actually eating me alive. like i can’t eat i feel bad all the time and to be fair im anxious about a lot of things rn but this is one of the top and nothing makes me as guilty as this. i’ve never felt this guilty before i really haven’t. in front of my boyfriend, in front of my family. not to mention this is how my relationship right now kinda started. like not fully but kinda this time with a lot more nuances. in my past relationship i loved him but i was never in love with him i don’t think. i knew i didn’t wanna be with him forever. and i wanted to break up months if not a full year before actually breaking up. i was just too pussy to do it and i was going back and forth with it but i was questioning our relationship and i wished i was single but in like a lowkey way like if he broke up with me id be ok type of way but i cant break up with him also i still like having a bf IDK. but my current boyfriend i was in love with for multiple years and even tho we’ve had periods in our relationship where it was rough we always came back and i really genuinely always thought we’d be together forever. i mean we’ve been together for 5 years and i feel like our lives are so intertwined like i have so so so many memories with him so many periods of my life where im like heavily with him and so many gifts from him and so many inside jokes and inside fun and i don’t understand what happened i really don’t i’m so lost im so lost i don’t know how this could’ve happened i just want to be honest honestly but i can’t i can’t i can never hurt him hes so precious and i love him so much. i don’t understand how i can love him as much as i do with my newfound issue like im doing the thing that hurts him the most by having feelings for someone else how dare i say i love him. im such a bad person i want to tell everyone they’re right and they need to stay away from me and i dont deserve to be happy and i just want to die honestly this makes me dissociate so heavy that maybe its a good thing that my mri was moved because im gonna be dissociating more heavily now. im not ok at all this is too much i cant handle it i feel so bad i dont know how to be a real person i just want to feel normal i just want to be ok. i keep thinking about spring semester and how good it was like up until april i would say except april was really good but really bad at the same time because that is when i realized it. i really wish i could have both of them i really wish that i was polyamorous but he is really not so thats never going to happen. but this makes me think back and think why did this happen like did our relationship also go downhill without me noticing. and it felt like we were having some upsetting fights not long before then like the one in august and then another 2 in november ? but then december felt really good with him it felt like things were getting better we had another fight in january but i don’t even remember what it was about. and it’s been a long time since then wow i feel like a fully different person. it’s crazy how much things have changed. i don’t know who i am anymore. i really don’t. i’m scared. i’m really scared. i just want to go home and feel normal and feel grounded and

[the-light-of-animation]

Oh WOW Puss in Boots: The Last Wish was freaking awesome!

I’m so happy this film eventually got made, I’m curious how different it is to when it was originally set to be made all those years ago. Either way it turned out absolutely incredible, really really loved it. I had only seen an image from it but it looked like the animation was a lot simpler than the previous Shrek films, kind of reminding me of The Croods: A New Age (but that turned out gorgeous regardless of the different, less detail focused? style that DWA did so well). And this was film was the same, holy fucking shit the style this film had was amazing, the creativeness and everything was so well designed. It was really different to anything I expected and worked so well with a Puss in Boots story.

Speaking of the story, great freaking story. I was really surprised it was a sequel to the Shrek films and not another prequel, I suppose the one downside to the new animation style is that Puss looked so much younger and at the beginning I thought it was actually a prequel to the first Puss film. But yeah the whole nine lives story and a bunch of characters trying to get the wish was really great, really fun. The humor of this film was so good too. And Puss’ fear of death was done in a really chilling way

And I always loved the Shrek series and their use of Fairy Tales and this film did it in plenty! They truly just went fucking ham on the Fairy Tale stuff hahah. It was so fun to see all of it.

Loved Perrito as well, Harvey Guillén was so good. Was surprised by a lot of the characters and voice actors to be honest. John Mulaney was instantly recognizable and great to hear. Oh and the Cricket was fantastic, so freaking funny! Goldilocks and her family were a really fun and heartfelt part of the story too. And I LOVED those two Serpent Sisters they gave me such unbelievable Tuff & Ruff vibes that it almost felt like it was them hahah. And I love them so much so it was perfect. But it’s funny I thought I recognized Death’s voice but then no I didn’t know the actor. He was amazing though.

But yeah I guess they are making a Shrek 5 as the ending set it up like only a Marvel post-credits scene could hahah. As much as I loved the animation and style this film had, I kind of hope Shrek 5 looks more like the previous films. I just feel like this style would be too out of place for a Shrek story, can’t picture Shrek like that. But anyway they went to Far Far Away though so that must mean Artie’s returning, which has actually got me a bit excited for Shrek 5 even though it does not need to be made at all. But screw it I love these characters and want to see them again.

Anyway, like I’ve said before I was so worried DreamWorks Animation was gonna turn into Illumination 2.0 but it is the complete fucking opposite and it’s been amazing (besides the film we do not speak of). I am so excited for anything and everything they have coming up.

[cheesefanboy2]

Stargirl - Simp Party

This is based on stargirl interlude by the weeknd. I'd never thought I'd write something so sweet, but here we are. Lol.. should I do another? Maybe.

I'd never thought I was gonna ship Evan with Anni, but here we are, and I am pleased with the finished product. (Actually thought they were gonna stay platonic, but I feel like this is better.)

@insane-horror-movie-addict @nightmareeffect

Anni leaned back on her arms as she stared up at the stars, the cold breeze making her shiver in her thin shirt. The sight of the night sky made her miss her home a little, and her family who had loved stargazing with her, but it also comforted her.

“Hey, what’re you doing out here, Anni? It’s too late for this.”A very familiar, very tired sounding voice came from behind her, startling her.“What are you doing here, Evan?” Anni asked, turning around before feeling something soft and warm fall on top of her, effectively blocking her vision.

“Huh?” Anni pulled the cloth-like thing off her head, and realized it was a hoodie. “A hoodie? For me?”

He shrugged, looking up at the sky.

“The least you could do is thank me,,” Evan chuckled. “I’m giving it to you because I don't want you to catch a cold. Plus, it's the least I could do, you're the only tolerable person who lives at that mansion.”

Anni blushed, finally realizing he was only wearing a tank top.

“No no, you really don’t have to do this,” Anni panicked. “It’s cold out, I don’t want you to be cold-”

“Hey, I’m not some weakling who can’t handle cold weather,” He smirked. “I already gave it to you so just put it on, I like the cold anyways..it's nice weather to sleep in.”

“Okay, okay,” Anni mumbled, her blush deepening as she hesitantly slid his hoodie on. It was so warm, it sort of smelled like caramel.

Evan’s scowl only deepened. Why did she have to look so cute in his hoodie? It was stupid that she could do these gross things to his heart- it was such normie emotions. He almost felt like Varrick with how hard he was trying not to blush. How dare she..

“You didn’t answer my first question,” he said. “What are you doing out here?”

“Oh, right,” Anni remembered. “I was just feeling a little bit homesick, is all.”He raised an eyebrow.“And what was looking at the stars gonna do?”

“Well, you see,” Anni smiled, recalling some of her fondest memories, “my family used to stargaze all the time together. They probably still do, but obviously I can’t join them anymore since I live here now. It’s funny,” she chuckled, “my parents used to point out all the constellations to us, but I really don’t remember how to find them anymore. I wish I did,” she added wistfully.

Evan huffed, “It’s really not that hard. Here,” he said, plopping down, right next to her, “you see that bright star over there?” He pointed out a star towards the east. “That’s the tip of Andromeda…”

Anni completely zoned out, hearing everything except for his words.‘There’s less than an inch of space between us..’ Anni mentally screamed, what was she, a teenage girl? She'd been next to plenty of men without a care, why was this different?‘Why? Why is he so close?’

He shifted slightly, pointing to another star, not paying attention as he practically leaned into her. The cold night air did nothing to cool her cheeks down, and she could still feel his warmth through the hoodie.

‘Does he even know what he’s doing?!’

“Hey, are you even listening?” He turned to hsr, looking her directly in the eye.

“Oh, yeah, mhm.” Anni nodded, her inner panic doubling . “Uh, how do you know all this stuff anyway?” She asked. “I didn’t take you for the type of person who cares about the stars.”

“Eh, my old man taught me some of this stuff,” he shrugged.

“Oh wow, that’s nice,” Anni said, fixing her gaze at the stars and she refused to look at him, trying to calm down.

“You’re making it feel so obvious, I feel like you already know at this point,” he muttered. "Screw you.”

That caught her attention.

“Obvious? And what do you mean by- hm?!”

Anni froze as Evan grabbed her by the collar, stopping her mid-sentence as his lips suddenly descended upon hers. His hands traveled from her collar to her face, holding her as finally melted into his kiss, her mind quieting.

As the two of them parted, he smirked slightly at the sight of her pink face, enjoying the thought of being able to fluster her so much— he'd always thought she'd never show any type of emotion.Anni looked away sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck.

“So when you said I was being obvious…?”

“I….think I have a crush on you, or…I don't know…? More maybe-? I don't fucking know,” he said, “I’ve known for a while that there was…something up with the feelings I'd get around you.”

“You have?” Anni stiffened. “Then why…?”

Evan sighed softly when he felt the brunette's hand touched his tense shoulder, and her eyes scanned his face and the whole, a bit tired body. His cheeks were still pretty-flushed and when Anni asked again if everything was alright felt as if he had received a slap on his face.

“… Nothing’s alright, Anni. I’ve been tormented by so many things for so long. Even because of you.” He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, but quickly after he turned his gaze back to the stars in front of them. “We’ve known each other for so long and just like in the beginning I didn’t pay attention to you because you seemed like everyone else….but then, when you helped me when I broke my leg during that god-awful mission and you stayed with me throughout the entire time, even if you barely knew me, something clicked in me.” Evan put his hand where his heart was, sighing heavily. “I really like you and I’m probably making a fool of myself even more than I normally do when I’m with you, but… I care so much about your happiness and….I get so mad when you let idiots like Varrick treat you bad. I know he isn't like that anymore, but when I heard that he left you at the mansion when you first arrived? God..I…I didn't know what to think at all. I don't know what you'll think of me after this..”

“I think...you're an idiot.…” She admitted and Evan laughed awkwardly, ready to get up from the hoodie and head back to his room, but Anni grabbed his hand in her much smaller one, which made him frown, not understanding what she meant. “I like you too, I like you a lot.. even if you put your life at risk and it worries me all the time. I think- no. I know I care for you just as much.”

“It was only until recently that I realized my own feelings,” Evan sighed. “I don't think I just like you, I think I…love you? And I know this isn’t the first confession you’ve received either,” he huffed in annoyance, “but I like you way more than any of those other guys. I know how much they stare at you and even fight for you…but I'm willing to do the same. Until you…make a choice. Whoever you choose, even if it's not me, I'll still be happy for you.”

Anni smiled a little, a warm feeling blooming in her chest.

“I know I’m probably not the first to like you either,” Anni said, “but I like you a lot more than they do too.”

He looked away, a red tint coloring his face.

“Damn right,” he muttered, wrapping an arm around her. And it was underneath the light of Andromeda that she shared her second kiss with Evan, along with many others in the times to come.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Caught up with the episode. 

When I envisioned this moment, I was kind of expecting even more fireworks but I was also envisioning it originally happening without Al dead so that definitely changed things. It’s all just a bit sad now and there’s just like...so many terrible things she’s done that they haven’t even gotten into and probably never will like guilt tripping Aaron and forcing him to leave and Liv’s death etc. 

But I was really impressed that they actually let Paddy take her to that house. That was great. I didn’t think they’d ever let him have the kind of backbone to do that. I do wish he’d just take Eve and go though. Chas deserves to be alone, at least for now. I know that’s maybe not fair on Eve but wake up kid, your mom’s terrible. Big brother Aaron could tell you so many stories. 

I enjoyed everyone yelling at her in the pub and Moira’s whole outburst but then I also need the Kyle stuff to come out so Chas can feel doubly bad because while the Kyle stuff really is entirely down to Cain in terms of actual responsibility, so many events were set in motion because of Chas and her stupid affair. And I just want it all out there. 

It did kind of annoy me that Charity was backing her up. I mean I kind of wanted her to but I also just really want her to call her out for having an affair with Al of all people after she forced Charity out of the pub because she had slept with him. Like I just want her to call her out for being a massive hypocrite and disowning everyone and being generally awful to her entire family, putting herself on some moral pedestal but then going and doing this. And then I’d want Charity to support her because she’s not like Chas. She’s not just going to be a hypocrite and disown her. But I want Chas to feel guilty about that support because she knows she didn’t offer it. 

As for the rest of the episode...

I can’t even care about the Nicky stuff because I know they’re just going to do something inexplicably convoluted with him so I’m just...waiting for it. 

Marlon and Naomi were good in the kitchen together. Although the moment she said “yes chef”, I just couldn’t stop thinking of The Bear. But I hope that partnership works out. The pub could use some non Dingle life. 

The Arthur stuff is sweet. I really liked that scene with Gabby. Although it almost felt weird for her to remember she had a brother again after being so entrenched at Home Farm the last couple years. The group hug with the teens was cringe but lovely. Elliot kind of had a weird look before he joined the hug so I don’t know if that will be anything more or not. The Ethan/Marcus conversation with him was also kind of cringe but it’s a nice gesture and I like the idea of him having people to talk to. I do also wonder if they’re going somewhere else with Arthur’s story or if this lovely bit of acceptance is it for now and just setting the stage for the future when they do decide to have this younger set of teens start dating?

I still just don’t know what to make of Ethan and Marcus in general. I just really wish they’d given them more of an actual story in getting together because when they fail at that, I really have a hard time connecting with a couple. That was half my problem with Vanity back in the day but at least they got story after that a bit. I mean maybe this thing with the creepy boss will end up being something bigger for them but also this isn’t really what I would have wanted for them. But also...was something more supposed to happen or did it happen off screen and they’ll reveal it later? Or will the boss be back? Cause that one spoiler article I read said something about sexual assault and right now it’s a little more mild sexual harassment. Still creepy vibes and I don’t blame Marcus for feeling uncomfortable but yeah...I don’t know where that’s going.  

Wow...it’s been a long time since I’ve actually posted about Emmerdale. Since I haven’t watched it in a month. Oops. 

[sixpossumsinatrenchcoat]

game over

In the wake of the worst end, Aubrey & Kel confront their regrets.

When Aubrey gets home from work, she finds Basil stretched out across her bed.

“Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey!!!” he gasps, flitting to his feet. Like it’s some huge surprise, finding her in her own apartment. “I’ve been waiting!!!”

She doesn’t answer.

…What? It’s not mean. It’s not like he can actually hear her.

Aubrey isn’t crazy, okay? She knows he isn’t real. He's just some stupid memory that her stupid brain spat out after all the guilt and shame finally shoved her off the deep end. There’s no such thing as ghosts. If there was, she wouldn't have had to miss Mari so much, and none of this awful shit would even have happened.

He’s not even a very convincing daydream. Even if Basil wasn’t dead, it’s been years since he looked at her like that. His whole face shining with hope and adoration. Like she was—someplace safe.

“I’ve been soooo bored,” Basil burbles, trailing after her like a baby duck while she shrugs off her jacket and wings it at the couch. “I read all your books again but, Aubrey, you r-really don’t have very many books!! What do you do when you get lonely without any books to keep you company??”

Aubrey doesn’t have that problem, because Aubrey doesn’t get lonely. And she definitely doesn’t need company. Not anymore. Lesson learned, bridges burned, etcetera etcetera. The whole friendship game is a lot more trouble than it’s worth. Aubrey could take it or leave it.

It’s not like she didn’t try. She found a family once. Then they threw her away. Then she tried to make her own family, only she got the math wrong, and wound up with a mob of fucking murderers. A pack of bullies who would harass the world’s most pathetic little squirrel until he was ready to die just to be free of them.

(…Free of her.)

She’s not just talking a palmful of pills, either. Basil was so hungry to die, he was willing to do it in the dumbest, messiest, most painful way imaginable.

Can you even imagine driving a pair of pruning shears through your gut? Aubrey can. She tried it once. Not to kill herself, obviously—Aubrey’s not a quitter—but just to see how it would feel. Spoilers: it felt pretty fucking bad. She barely broke the skin before she lost her nerve.

And Basil was always reading those nerdy old paperbacks. Swords and magic and brave little nobodies who went on to accomplish great deeds. With all the bloody pre-industrial warfare he’d read about, he would’ve known that a gut wound is one of the worst ways to go. And somehow, that still sounded like a better time than living for another second with his own personal torturer asleep on his couch. 'Gee, I sure wish my old pal Aubrey would be a little nicer! Guess I’d better drive a pair of round-tip scissors through my fucking chest! Will I bleed out before I’ve finished digesting my organs? There’s only one way to find out!’

“A-Aubrey,” Basil sniffles. He’s still trying to smile, but she can see his eyes reddening. “Wh-Why are you ignoring me?? D-Did I… do something wrong?”

Fuck. Fuck her, she can’t fucking do this. She is so fucking pathetic.

“...Course not,” she says gruffly. “Sorry. I’ll… get some new books?”

His face lights up. It’s cute. Basil was always so cute, before she ruined him. “R-Really?? Oh, wow!! Oh, oh, can I make you a list? There’s this one series I want you to read, and—b-before you say anything, I know you don’t usually like fantasy, but—! I think you’ll really relate to the heroine!!”

You’re a splinter of a broken mind, you stupid nerd. What could you tell me that I don’t already know? “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah!!! She went through a lot, but she trained and trained so she could protect everyone, to make sure no one else would ever have to hurt like she did. She’s soooo cool and strong, and she always does what’s right. Just like you!!”

“Hah. Yeah. Sure.”

Read the rest here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46429294/chapters/117015964

[antivanwine14]

Here is my review for Fire Emblem Engage. It is long and full of spoilers so it is under the cut.  

Story: it was fine. There was nothing too intense, but I enjoyed it. There parts that were rushed that probably could have used some more time and I wish we had more with Lumera and seen more family time with the Hounds (actually seen why they considered themselves a family, especially Marnie)

Best Chapters: Brodia and Elusia (first time there). Story wise, this felt like the strongest part. Brodia and Elusia had a lot of great characters and even though parts were predictable, I enjoyed it. They did a good job shaking things up here.

Worst chapters: Solm, it feels like Solm had a lot of busy work and I feel like they could have reorganized it so it flowed better. I would have preferred skipping that random bandit fight to get Timerra and maybe had Seadall join at this point too. However, I like the maps we get, so I won’t complain too much. 

Supports: I actually like the supports in FE Engage. Are they reliant on the person’s shtick? Yes, but I think people are forgetting just how reliant FE3H was too. A few of the supports were a bit random and weak, but I thought a lot were at least funny but most did a good job building on the characters.

Paralogue: I get why they gave the Emblems paralogues (since quite frankly, I didn’t know most of the emblems), but I would have given at least one to each of the lords and have taken out Jean’s.

Lords: I really like the lords in this game, but I think the game does hold them back a bit. Having four lords with you for most of the game means each one does not really get a chance to shine. FE3H strength with their lord is even though there was three, they would only let you focus on one so that lord was really developed and could shine in the story. Ivy is a strong character who I liked a lot, but she really fades from the plot after she joins the party and that is unfortunate. Timerra never really gets her chance to shine since she shows up pretty late and has to deal with the other three and that is unfortunate because she seemed interesting. Alfred and Diamant probably have the best time since Alfred is with you for such a long period of time that there is time to know him and Diamant gets the lead in Brodia, first trip to Elusia, and part of Solm which are some of the best chapters in my opinion.

Veyle: I can’t stand Veyle. At first I was alright with her, but once I realized she wasn’t actually a small child but a teenager, I was just like wow, there is a difference between being naïve and dumber than a bag of rocks. Alear is naïve, but actually works for the character, she is just dumb. I feel she could have been done so much better, either push her more like Flayn or actually make her a child. Plus they neutered everything that could have been interesting about her by making nothing she does actually her fault and having most of the characters be completely fine with her (as far as I know, I’m not going out of my way to get her supports). Plus they force her to be equal to the Lords once she joins the party and I really couldn’t care less about her. 

Alear: I really like Alear. I think they have a great personality and their design really grew on me. I like how they feel like a young adult, trying to find their footing, making mistakes, getting emotional, and have some spunk (teasing their friends)

Byleth: boy do I wish Byleth talked more in his own game. Byleth was great here and I really liked what he had to say.

Map: I really appreciated the large variety of maps. It really kept things interesting and made replaying things fun.

Game play: For the most part, I thought the game play was solid, especially the maps, enemies, and builds. There were a lot of things you can do with the characters and it was fun (also, the fact they flagged the save file you completed as such makes me believe they will eventually add in NG+ which I think will make this game a lot better).

Resources: I think this is going to continue to improve as the dlc waves come, but wow was this game tough on both gold and supplies, yes the weapons don’t break, but staffs do and you need money for healing items too. Also, why is iron the thing that is constantly holds me back from upgrades? Have steel and silver, but always running out of iron.

Grinding: so it is nice to know the enemy skirmishes cap at Level 20 Advance, but I really wish there was better places to grind up my weaker units. I don’t know if they are going to improve the tower, but it would be nice if I could get more exp from there.

Character who I would like to remove: Besides Veyles’ bad writing, the character who is most out of place is Jean. He really does not fit in with the others from Firene and does not really add to it. He does not make sense and in a cast that I feel is probably weighed down by the sheer amount, I think you could easy remove Jean and no one would notice. 

Wake Up Events: They need to be refined. I was woken up about 100 times and I got Diamant, my romance, twice that entire time. There are just so many characters and the fact it is (fairly) random, makes it hard to get the characters you want. Perhaps if they increase the odds with the amount of usage would be good. The concept of the wake up events is completely odd (and very Fire Emblem), but they are some of the better romantic moments. 

Romances: All the romances were a little weak, but they do get full points for having the romances only be for adult characters (in English) AND not have any of the romances be gendered locked. I know not everyone is happy about that, but unless some of the characters are actually going to be gay or lesbian, than only lgbt players are negatively impacted by gender locking character since straight players won’t have the same issues. Playersexual characters work for me and I would much rather have more options than less. 

[irishbabyx]

Parts of me last year

unk date --- green lake starbucks

so many faces and bodies that contain unique energies. i still feel that imposter syndrome. who do i think i am? i think i am a good person somehow. i am not hurting anyone or wishing bad luck either. i simply sustain myself.. but on digital media, i presume more life than i actually do. what is success? is it being financial secure? why don’t i have relationships? its like i can’t call or text anyone to hang out with or just be around. is it the energy i give out that people don’t think of or miss me? am i difficult to be around? some days i just want to sit down and not have to talk….. this is why im single lol my expectation is way too high. i expect someone to be perfect when im not and that causes insecurity then i retract. it a vicious cycle i take part in and don’t know how to stop.

i hate being home. ive wasted a couple of years of my life doing nothing. i haven’t really enjoyed myself in washington. i feel like im just violently existing - waiting for someone to notice me and be with me as i heal…

wow - just caught someone’s eyes and that was cute. he was cute - though i am not sure what he is doing here. what’s wrong with me? or what’s right with me? i just want someone to notice me. this guy next to me is .. whatever.

idk if its the caffeine but im having a lot of anxiety. maybe because of daniel. he’s ignoring me. meaning he’s not interested in me anymore. what should i do? just keep cool?

tuesday, march 21st, 2023

at GL starbucks

got back from vegas this morning. spent almost 2 weeks there visiting family, my parents came up as well. helped my sister semi-settle in her new home. so proud of her for coming this far in her life and career. it felt intimidating but i had to pause and tell myself that she also had her own pathway full of treks and obstacles to get her to where she is now. got to know jordan a little bit more, though it was always awkward interactions. he is a family man. he will do everything he can to protect them despite two of the kids not being biologically his. i hope he didn’t feel too overwhelmed us all there - we are all pretty crazy. i also wanted to feel how it would be like living there, so far the only downside is lower income. though now that i think about it, will it matter if i stress about money no matter where i am? the kids are truly little humans now. time is a thief. when it was with kayla, everything was amplified but with more children, everyone’s got a little more chill. not so worried about what goes in the baby’s mouth or if their eating/sleeping schedule is off. we were all just living in the moment. what i did notice, which i want to avoid happening (if that’s even all that possible) is to deter kayla from swallowing derogatory words from my parents and taking it to heart. i know what those exact words did to me as a child and i want her to avoid taking the same steps we have. providing a nurturing, loving, protective home allows them to see the world in a lighter and brighter lens. that no matter the cruel things we see and hear around us, that family should remain golden. i took my family for granted. i made them disposable even though they are the most permanent things from the day i had my first breath.. i wish i had listened to my parents more and read between the lines instead. they showed tough love, but love regardless. had i known they were just new parents experiencing trials and tribulations in a new generation and didn’t also know a damn thing about mental health. their behaviors are hard to unlearn but it feels my duty to protect the next generations from their blinds eyes toward positive child rearing, rather not known. being their aunty mom makes me feel more confident in becoming a mom truly. i aspire to be like my sister who possesses patience day by day. she always kept grounded.

the downside of the trip was the the deep, slow hum of loneliness. i want to experience life with someone. highs and lows. someone to feel and express with. someone i gravitate towards to and look forward to any time of day. i miss that. i miss a partner. that deep ache and longing was present. i met nathaniel, 39 y/o air force pilot. i still can���t wrap my mind around our interactions. i was late 30 mins and made a fuss about it. he noticed everything i said and also had an answer to everything. i didn’t think he’d invite me back to his apartment. that was also strange. idk what he thinks of our age difference - i don’t think he does but he wants someone who is more mature than i. the thing about me is that i don’t know how to express my thoughts into words, let alone formulate a sentence that actually has context. it doesn’t make sense to me. i have lost touch with meaningful conversations. anyway, he’s hot and buff and god damn i choked. i haven’t been able to stop feeling giddy, though i know this is only temporary. he is emotionally unavailable and knows it himself.

boundaries and traumas emanating

monday, march 27th, 2023

at GL retreat

so much has happened since i got back from seattle. so much? actually maybe not but something significant happened. lol that guy i mentioned above turned out to be super psycho and downright TOO sensitive and disrespectful. the messages he sent me were very questionable regarding his integrity and character, for someone serving in the military? now that i think about it, that’s almost abuse, no? i don’t know but glad it only lasted that short. i can’t imagine what other shit he would have came up with or deduce. anywho, i hate that i spiral so quickly when i know what’s about to happen. like financially, how am i gonna come up with rent for next month? and also calling out of work because i got too drunk again last night. these decisions are affecting my livelihood and it’s embarrassing to think and write about. tho this is my reality, i never learned through these difficult times in my life. i continue letting it happen as if it one day, everything will miraculously solve themselves. i am proud of how far i’ve come though, especially without a college degree. i was able to make it out in seattle this long and though.

i want better relationships with my family, individually and as a whole. they continue to support me despite showing angst and being disappointing. i never stopped caring about them and vice versa. i’ve just been hiding my vices from them and that’s what ultimately broke our relationship apart. i was always the issue, not them. i am learning as i go and going on that trip to meet them solidified that family is what i need right now. there was this narrative in my childhood and early adulthood that i was a burden to them and that i was some sort of a leech. i have to forgive myself for that because while it is/was true, i didn’t know i was doing it maliciously. well maybe in their perspective it was.

love life? lol why do i keep talking about this. broken record laced with desperation.

you know, mollie says this over and over that there is a chemical imbalance and it’s not me… why is it so hard to admit that myself? that there will always be that throughout my life. most people dip down multiple times in their lives. i can validate my thoughts and emotions, but i can’t always feel sorry/bad about myself and stay in that dip. cheers, irish. take care of yourself because others need you to.

saturday, april 1st, 2023

at GL starbucks

the early months flew by. i feel like this is the case as i get older. it all just.. happens. the earth will remain even without us. we are but a flicker of light. this week was okay. i fell ill after restarting naltrexone. at least i know now that that’s what the medication does to me. i never knew if meds worked for me or not because i always just feel numb.. now i question if the fluoxetine is also working. the only thing i feel like i need to work on is self-esteem. i have a few people in my circle because that side of me is so vulnerable. you can easily use it to tear me down.

something about having a routine though. it feels safe. but when you do the same thing over and over, people think you’re crazy? for example, going to starbucks ordering the same thing and sitting in the same spot..

anyway. idk what came over me last night but david came over. i hurriedly cleaned my room and vacuumed. lolol the shit i do for men that i wouldn’t even do for myself. i was already so drunk but man was i desperate for it. wow idk how long its been but he aged. LOL grew a mustache but overall looks and smells the same. still bad in bed. won’t stay erect and takes FOREVER to cum. i’m convinced he needs medication. he did remember a few things about me tho? my bed? he was wearing converse how cute. he does care about what he wears. i might buy those converses now. i need to forget about him. he obviously doesn’t care about me and just thinks im a quick booty call. maybe i am a sucker for him tho. i may have hurt his ego too much. from his clothes, to his name, how his converse were yellow, how he lasted, it was all sarcasm but maybe that is my toxic red flag. men have much more sensitive ego that we think.

tuesday, april 18th, 2023

at GL retreat

what’s going on with me again? honestly.. i have these waves of motivation. one week i’m at the very tip top. the next, i’m just existing. i need to stop sending messages to people when i’m drunk like LINDA OR DAVID?? OR NELSON?? JESUS irish. you need to stop. that shit is embarrassing and you are jeopardizing your relationships with people and it makes you look bad and pathetic. i really don’t know how to control myself. alcohol is putting me at risk.

monday, may 8th, 2023

at LV house

i feel like i’m drowning above water. just in debt. i don’t know how to manage my money. i don’t know how to ask for help. i don’t know who to ask for help for. what can i do? a financial advisor, but will i get through this feeling of shame? my parents can’t know.. let my alone my siblings. i feel like a failure. it is because i am. they are all successful and here i am struggling. it was nice being around the family, even just for a day. i feel safe with them.

wednesday, june 7th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

what am i feeling? this is a weird sensation. when i want to just talk to someone. or jolt my thoughts down. i’ve gotten too used to being alone that loneliness doesn’t bother me anymore. i feel like i am living in an elderly woman’s body and growing accustomed to independence. however you see that lol. i still feel the need to connect to the outside world and i guess that’s the younger version of me comes in. though i could live alone or isolated, i would still need to know what is going on around me. is this the age i was brought up to? maybe i couldn’t escape that reality.

thursday, june 15th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

qi xuan?? huang? hahaha why do i feel so giddy? is this a new thing? i like that he’s not afraid to be himself. he has a fire in him that i want to ignite in myself.

thursday, june 22nd, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

drunk. me and qi had sex like twice already. sooooo good. its not even the size but the intimacy. feels so comforting. i feel comfortable with him.. just someone i don’t feel like i need to compete with or feel like i need to impress. he’s humble. he’s himself.

sunday, july 16th, 2023

at armistice coffee in roosevelt

woof.

[restinslices]

I’m ranting about being depressed because I don’t wanna keep spamming my friends. You don’t have to read this. I’ll probably delete this later.

Quick trigger warning for depression, mental illness in general, sewer slide thoughts, just a bunch of icky feelings. I am not feeling cash money

Going through hospitalization and thinking “wow, I’ve gotten better” only to get extremely depressed again is so disappointing. I went through multiple hospitals from January 2022 to around August or September of 2023. Now I knew I’d get depressed again because that’s just how life is, but I didn’t think it’d get so bad. I’ve gotten depressed since then and I’ve handled it pretty well but now I’m exhausted as fuck and the fact I lowkey wanna *insert windows shutdown sound* is so disappointing and makes me feel like a complete failure because I thought we were better than this twin. I’m both sleeping all day and have no energy to do simple things like walking to the other room and not being able to sleep at all. I’m both glad I’m alive and don’t have some illness, and “if someone were to shoot me, I’d probably thank them”. Like??? It feels like all the work I did means absolutely nothing. Like everyone put their faith in me and I’m letting them down over and over again. Especially this time.

And I don’t know wtf I’m doing. I feel like people really don’t understand how hard it is to look forward and have solid goals when you were never supposed to live this long. I didn’t think I’d make it out of middle school. Then I did. Then I didn’t think I’d graduate high school. Then I did. And it’s like “well… uhh, this is awkward”. Everyone has something they’re doing and you still can’t believe you’re actually alive and breathing still. It’s such a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

And my family has a tendency to not really pay attention or validate anything I say because I’m the youngest sibling and I always make jokes. If I don’t say “I’m gonna kill myself”, no one actually listens to what I say which is frustrating because I don’t feel like I should be at that point to gain a bit of sympathy. A lot of times, I just wanna rant and know someone is listening. I remember I tried this with my mom and said how I felt like no one listens to me because they only see me as the goofy sibling and she said, very irritated, “well you can’t change how people see you”. My mistake for interrupting the game on your phone. And this is a constant thing and I’m always bouncing between “wow, I really wish I felt heard” and “dude stop bitching”. I’m finna start tweaking and climb up my walls.

But yeah. I feel like dog shit because depression and wanting to Kate Marsh is beating my ass right now. And I feel like a failure for not being able to just thug it out. Idk. I feel like me being this depressed just shows no matter how much help I get, I’m never gonna be the person people want or need me to be. I’m always gonna be the fuck up. Younger me would despise me. She was so smart, confident, pretty, thin, sociable, mentally stable, plus other shit. She was recognized as young and gifted because of how great her grades were. Now I can hardly do math without getting a headache, I stutter a bunch, my confidence is ass, I’m clearly not mentally stable, I get panic attacks if I’m in public for too long or when talking to new people, I’m everything she never wanted to be. She would be BLOWN if she saw how she ended up.

This isn’t me fishing for sympathetic messages or attention. I’m just getting shit out.

Before I end this, I wanna make it clear that this is NOT a sewer slide note. I’m just stressed and sad and I feel like I’m bitching to my friends irl too much so I’m just venting here. Will I delete this later? Find out next episode.

[roving-boi]

Dear diary,

It’s been a few months since I moved in with my mom. For once in my life I feel like something is going my way. Still, I feel like something is wrong with me at the same time. I stopped having nightmares about Jay. If you don’t remember, Jay betrayed me and was the bitch who mistreated my autistic friend, Selu, at the fair. Selu got out of a mental facility last month, she was there for a minute for attempting suicide. I took her to see a movie when she got out and I think that cheered her up a bit. Since then, I’ve kinda forgotten about Jay’s existence to be honest. I used to have nightmares about beating her to death. I’m glad that’s stopped.

I cut my dad off entirely. He was saying absurd things to me the other day. He was talking about how he used to have sex with multiple women at once while with my mom. He claims one of my mom’s old friends contact him and said bizarre things. I don’t want to get too specific. Today after we finished eating dinner I spoke out to my mom about this and maybe I shouldn’t have. She got very upset and now my mom and step dad are both kind of riled up and stressed out. I feel kind of guilty about contacting my dad again. I ended up just blocking him all together and I think I should finally rid him of my life for good. I originally contacted him so I could maybe get some of my belongings back, but I don’t think he’s going to give me anything anyway.

Aside from the crap with my dad, I went to a few shows with my family recently. I went to 2 magic shows and then an acrobatic show. The first magic show I went to was just straight up illusionary tricks, and it was very entertaining and impressed me a lot. It got me thinking what if there was a magic show run by a genuine psychic? I mean, you wouldn’t be able to really tell whether the tricks are real or not. It would be like the perfect career to use your powers stealthily. Part of the magic is not telling your secrets, right? Well, the second magic show I went to was from a dude who claims he can read your thoughts. Now, this is where I wasn’t impressed at all. I felt like a lot of his tricks were explainable, and one of the biggest tricks to end the night didn’t really mask any bullshit. It was a pocket knife trick.

He asked people to come up on stage, and he had six knives. They were all in an envelope, and two of the knives had the blades out. The rest were folded. He would make each person choose a knife out of the six that were laid out on the table, but he talked to each person as they were deciding which knife to take. He kinda got under their skin and made them choose specific envelopes. Every person had to hold the envelope behind their backs and stand in a line. He would call up people to come up to him and stab him with the envelope. Of course, every person he called on had a knife with no blade out. The two people he didn’t call on had the knives with the blade. I felt like he coordinated the entire trick so that specific people would have specific knives, and then he memorized which knives were safe.

It just wasn’t impressive to me at all, and I was really hoping he would actually get stabbed. He did some mind reading tricks that were slightly impressive but I wasn’t really wowed by any of it to be honest. The third show was an acrobatics show. It wasn’t really magic related, just people doing stunts, dancing, acrobatic stuff in the air, and a few tricks. I got to sit in a VIP seat. It was actually quite fun. There was this one stunt they did where this dude wore roller skates and spun around really fast on this small platform, and he had a girl hold onto his tie and she was spinning around on it while he spun himself.

Watching everyone dance and do their thing on stage made me fantasize about doing stuff with Simon. I imagined we were in an empty stage room or whatever you wanna call it, and we danced and did tricks together. But just us. Sometimes I wish I had some phenomenal abilities. I wish I could do silly unexplainable things that would impress people. Having powers or some super human ability would be cool, I’d probably be unstoppable and I would just be a magnificent person. Those ideas can go on the shelf along with my fantasies about being wealthy and famous I guess. It’s all just really improbable.

Simon and I sort of had a bump in our relationship, it all started the night before Halloween. I’ve noticed that he’s had this quote on his discord bio that says “I would do it all over again”. He has had it for some time. I’m not really sure why, but that night I confronted him about it because for some reason it was bothering me out of nowhere. I asked him why he had that quote in his bio. Simon explained to me it was a quote Joel from The Last of Us (video game) said. Okay sure that’s all dandy, but something was still bothering me so I pushed him to tell me more. He ended up telling me more specifically that he would probably redo everything before my relationship with him. I was a bit taken aback.

I thought, huh? What is THAT supposed to mean? I got really upset and didn’t really ask him to elaborate anymore. I cried myself to sleep and didn’t talk to him at all for a majority of the next day. During Halloween, Matthew took me, and Liyauna to his house. They’re kind of a couple now, and I was kinda third wheeling for the day with them. I spent a few hours sitting at his house playing video games and exploring. He was cuddling with Liyauna on the couch while I sat across from them and played on his Wii. I kind of felt like I didn’t really belong there, I didn’t really wanna be a bother to them. They didn’t seem to mind but I still felt like maybe I should have just went home or something. I was really sad already from what happened with Simon the night before, and in my first period class this girl wearing this hoodie I remember telling Simon I really wanted, so my day did not start off well either.

When the day ended I talked to Simon again. I blew up at him for an entire hour. He ended up explaining to me in the end that my emotional episodes and some of the things I say to him are overwhelming, and make him sometimes reconsider being with me. I was really hurt still, but we ended up making up, and I think right now we are okay. I was angry that he would feel that way. I give him a lot of my energy and time and try to treat him like nobody even attempts to treat me. I know I can be overwhelming but I can’t believe he would just say that.

I’m quite jealous of Matthew and Liyauna. I awkwardly stood there with them in the hallway while they hugged and kissed. I watch them sit next to each other and talk in class and at lunch. I’m jealous that they were complete strangers who now really like each other. I guess maybe I’m jealous that they get lovey dovey with each other physically. They hold hands while walking, they kiss, they hug, they cuddle and go on dates after school. I can tell Matthew really makes Liyauna happy. She tells me about how great he is all the time. I’m happy for them but a part of me feels like it’s just not fair. We all held hands on Friday while walking to Matthew’s truck. Liyauna insisted I hold her hand with them. I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my emotions, and she asked me why I looked so sad. I said I wasn’t and dismissed her.

I’ve been sobbing on the bus rides to school and in my room often lately. The world never can never be at a stand still for one day. Sometimes I feel like my bed is the only safe place in the world. Nothing matters anymore when I’m in my blankets. It still creeps up to me sometimes. I’m so tired of the other side of my bed being empty.