#wow that German accent was half-assed

[wowbright]

There are so many things I like about the Schmicago season of Schmigadoon, but my favorite might be the half-assedness of that German accent.

[bon-is-gone]

Headcanons for ocs?

headcanons? About MY OCS??? OH, HOW I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY

(Also, quick question, does really count as headcanons when it's about your own oc's? I'm still fairly new to headcanons and other stuff like this-)

(Also Also, im writing these while waiting for a splatoon 3 match to start. Okay I'll stop stalling now.)

Kanaro is a BIG fan of anime!(wow, suprising I know :D) her favorite ones are My dress up darling and Inazuma eleven.

Charlotte sleep walks. She once sleep walked to the kitchen and somehow managed to make Mac and cheese. How did she do it? No one knows.

Loid has an older named Joseph (If you've seen my art then you'll know.) If we're talking about him in the slasher band AU, then they just bicker like normal siblings just with a bit more spice. If we're talking about in the non-AU world, then he doesn't even speak to his sibling anymore and they HATE and I mean HATE eachother. (to the point of murder)

Ace is a smoker, so ofcourse he would smell like cigarettes. However, he puts a TON of perfume or deodorant on himself because of that(and its a strong ass perfume too) his most used pack of cigars is Malboro.

Kanaro is interested in becoming an idol. So ofcourse when she searched for Idol animes, the first thing that popped up was oshi no ko. Ace quickly found out thankfully before our cinnamonroll could get traumatized-

The whole entire squad drinks and have different levels of not getting drunk.

Kanaro doesn't actually drink alcohol, she drinks spezi(a German drink which is REALLY good. Recommend it.) And tea.

Ace is the weakest one when drinking. Give him one shot of whiskey and he is gone. When he's drunk he's either knocked the F out, or he's very chilled out and wobbly, usually not even knowing what's happening half the time and just staring at the counter.

Charlotte comes in 2nd place but is very close to Loid. When she's drunk she starts dropping random ass facts about either her band mates or some random people she knows. (even her momma) "Yeah did you know Loids scared of spongebob? *hic*"

Loid is the strongest one. When he's drunk(which is Suprisingly common), he starts speaking French aggressively and starts speaking in a French accent. "Ohoho wouldn't gliding be FASTER?" He says as he proceededs to fall out of a window into a barrel.

Did any of the gang commit crimes? Ofcourse, almost all of them did.

Kanaro didn't commit any crimes(Logically, because how could this 9 year old child commit crimes :) )

Ace committed shoplifting

Charlotte committed driving while under the influence

Loid committed blackmail and scamming people on the internet(not sure exactly what it's called in a professional way-)

Our roommates here have a swear jar that gets filled up in a month. So who swears the most and who the least?

Charlotte swears the least. She either drops an F bomb because she gets pissed off or she hits her toe on a corner of a table (ouch)

Kanaro is the 2nd person to use the least of swear words but will say a few interesting words which she learned from Uncle Loid

Ace is uses a few more curse words then he'd like to admit. Most of the time he tries his best not to curse (especially when children are around, because what if they learn these heinous words? D:), so instead of saying Sh*t, he'll say "Aw man, that really ruffled my feathers :(" or something like that. But, if you read my short comic named *sailor mouth*, then you know when he gets pissed off he starts shooting cuss words like a mini gun lmao

Loid swears the most on a regular basis. He tries to lower his usage of them when he's around kids, but when it's wi1h Kanaro? He just straight up teaches her some new curse words 😭 then he gets scolded by Ace and Charlotte for that

That's all I could think of for now

I will 100% write more headcanons about the daylight roommates in the future

[chiefbasementcreator]

Lewd Warhammer

Races

Empire: human. German names, based on the Holy roman Empire with a 18th century aesthetic and a tiny bit of steampung in the weaponry, but very mild. Knows magic and has a college dedicated to learning/training battle mages. Lewdability: high

Bretonnina: human French feudal knights. based on the arthurian mythos, monarchist and very strong elitism/classisism. Mages are women called Prophetesses/damsels (prophetess being the higher rank). Lewdability: high

Kislev: human, Pseudo-slavic states, vodka, bears and ice magic. Ruled by Tzarina Katarin, has a strong orthodox/19th century russia motif. Lewdability: high

Cathay: Imperial China, human. Very little known about them, since they’re a severly underdevelopped faction in the lore.Lewdability: high

Vampire Counts: undead, zombies, skeletons, etc... Vaguely “romanian” names, vampire women are extremely hot lewdability: high for vampire women, low for everything else

Tomb Kings: Undead egyptian mummies, pyramids, sphinxes, animated statues, etc... Lewdability: almost none, they don’t have flesh, but i suppose you could have fun with their living statues

vampire Coast: Vampire pirates. Imagine the crew of the Black pearl in the first pirates of the carribean and you’re pretty close. Also have some undead sea monsters and zombies with guns/rifles.  Lewdability: meh. They have vampire women, but they aren’t particularly attractive, adn the rest are mostly basic zombies      

Dwarfs: (spelled Dwarf and dwarfen in this universe) Steampunk, very spiteful, hold grudges for a VERY long period of time. Lewdability: nonexistent.

Chaos Dwarfs: Dwarfs, but worshiping a god of evil/tyranny/slavery and work with demoons/infusing demons in things. Lewdability: nonexistent (their slavery is either “work you in the mines until you collapse death” or the “murder you and use your soul as bait for a demon” kind instead of the sexy one)

Lizardmen: Aztec dinosaurs. Lewdability: mild. They’re all men, but i guess if you’re iinto monsterfucking...

Skaven: evil very intelligent and treacherous rats, have different clans dedicated to different things. Lewdability: mild (depends on the clan)

High Elves: More or less standard arrogant high elves, on the side of good, but condescending as all fucks. Lewdability: high

Dark Elves (not dark/brown-skinned, very pale-skinned, but they all dress in black and are edgy fucks): Evil elves in a war with their cousins. Lewdability: VERY HIGH (their sorceresses are all hot and dress skimpily, and they have the fun kind of slavery on tope of other less sexy ones).

Beastmen: Either goatmen, centaurs or minotaurs. Lewdability: high (if you’re into that)      

Norsca: human, evil vikings that worship gods of evil and have monsters (mammoths, werewolves and fimirs) in their ranks. Lewdability: high

Warriors of chaos: metal album cover, more or less. evil knights/warriors worshiping gods of evil. Lewdability: low

Greenskins (orcs and goblins): standard “evil orcs”, but they also have an accent/are dumb. Lewdability: nonexistent.

Demons of Khorne: Angry demons living only to kill and do war crimes, lewdability: none

Demons of nurgle: demons of a plague/rot god, lewdability: none

Demons of tzeetch: bird-faced weird thing dedicated to an evil god of scheming and tricker. Lewdability: none

Demons of Slaanesh: Demons to a god/ess of excess (glutony, lust, greed, etc): lewdability: low (they look weird as all fucks)

wood elves: night elves from WoW, but more xenophobic, isolationists and actually kicking ass. Half otheir roster is what you’d expect of wood elves (rangers, archers, spearmen, etc), half is wood spirits (treemen of different sizes) and various animals (eagles, dragons, stag knights ,etc..)

[selfcareparker]

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ���✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

[zanybohbot]

The Outsiders: Lies (Episode 5)

Published: 11-01-19 - Updated: 11-01-19

Pinky steals Newt's grilled cheese so Newt has ordered Pinky, Brain, Squit, Wakko and Pesto to get him another grilled cheese, which leads to Pinky and Brain get into arguments about lying. Pinky bets Brain that whoever gets caught lying first loses which gets them into some crazy hi-jinks. This is loosely based on the Regular Show episode called ‘The Grilled Cheese’. That's the 5th episode of The Outsiders. Rated PG-13 for strong language.

Part 1: The Worst Beginning

(Squit N/R: It all started with a nice, bright, sunny day as we came to look at some dope-ass videos on YouTube, suddenly Pinky came along.)

(Brain, Wakko, Pesto and Squit are on Wakko's computer laughing, then Pinky comes in with the bag of grilled cheese.)

Pinky: Guys, Oh, there you are. You want the grilled cheese? There's 5 slices for all.

Brain: Whoa! Is that a grilled cheese deluxe from Cheezer's?

Pinky: Yes, it is.

Brain: Then, yes.

Squit: Yeah sure.

Pesto: Sure, why not?

Wakko: Please.

(They eat the sandwiches)

Brain: How did you manage this?

Pinky: I bought it. With money.

Wakko: Nice! Hey, you know what would go good with these sandwiches? More funny internet videos! Check this out. (Begins typing in name on the keyboard)

Pinky: No, wait! I know a really good one. (Types on the keyboard)

Brain: No, Pinky! You're just gonna pull up that ostrich thing with the ballsack again.

Pinky: No, I'm not.

Squit: You're typing it in! I see it!

Pinky: Guys, don't look! You're gonna ruin it!

(The others close their eyes.)

Brain: Fine. It better not be that ostrich thing with its huge ballsack. Ready yet?

Pinky: It's loading. Okay... Now!

(They open them.)

Woman: (In video) Don't get too close now, pa!

(The ostrich hits a baseball off the tee, pecks the old man in the groin, and raises its wings to stroke his big balls. Pinky laughs.)

(The others except for Pinky groan about the video.)

Squit: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Brain: Oh, c'mon, it's that ostrich thing with the huge ballsack! Why do you gotta lie to us?

Pinky: 'Coz lying's my specialty!

(Newt calls on Brain's phone very angry.)

Brain: Oh fuck, it's Newt! Why did he call us?

Pinky: Uhhh...I dunno. (looks suspicious)

Brain: (he answers the phone) Hello.

Newt: (one the phone) Hello! Did you steal my fucking sandwich?!

Brain: What?!

Pinky: (snatches Brain's phone) Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. (talks to Newt) This isn't your sandwich. This is our sandwich.

Newt: (on the phone) This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Newt" on the bag?

Brain: Wait, you stole his sandwich this whole time!?

Pinky: (looks at Brain) SHHH! (Turns back to the phone) Well it's supposed to say "Pinky," but they misspelled my name wrong.

Newt: (one the phone) STOP LYING!

Squit: What the hell?

Brain: Pinky, I thought you said you bought this!

Newt: (on the phone) No, he didn't buy it, you fuckwit, I can still hear you! Now get off your lazy asses and go get me another Grilled Cheese Deluxe! (hangs up)

Brain: (looks at Pinky angrily) Argh! Look what you've done!

Wakko: Dude, that's so outta line!

Pinky: Hey, calm your tits! We can still make it.

Pesto: Yeah, don't worry, guys. The line won't be that long. Am I wrong?

(Scene goes to Cheezer's. The line is extremely long.)

Brain: (furious) PESTO!

Pesto: Okay, maybe I was wrong. My bad.

Brain: (looks at Pinky) Well thanks for saving the day once again with your specialty, you asshole!

Pinky: Whatever. Like you could do any better.

Brain: Pfff! I'm a better liar than you are.

Pinky: Oh, really? The only thing you're better than me at is being a big piece of-

(Brain swats Pinky in the head with anger. Meanwhile two astronauts in blue jackets go around the line and enter the restaurant.)

Brain: Hey! What the fuck? Those assholes are fuckin' cutting in! C'mon, now it's gonna take forever!

Squit: (sarcastically) Wow! Just our luck.

Wakko: You can't be serious!

Fat woman: Excuse me! Those fine men are astronauts! They can cut in line. They fought for our country!

Pesto: Who asked you?!

Pinky: (Rises off the ground and gasps) Dude, here's your chance to prove you're a better liar than me. Or maybe you can't? Look at your stupid-ass face. (Touches Brain's face all around) It must really eat you up inside to not be able to prove you're a better liar than me! 'Coz you can prove nothing! Y'hear!? You. Can't. Prove. Anything!

Brain: (Slaps away Pinky's hand and grabs his snout) Fine! You want me to fuckin' prove I'm a better liar than you? Why wouldn't we see who is better in lying? Whoever gets caught first loses!

Pinky: Okay. It's not like you're ever gonna lie better than thi-i-is!

(Brain lets go of Pinky.)

Brain: Ahem, excuse me, Miss.

Fat woman: What?!

Brain: We're astronauts! (They enter the Cheezer's, cutting in line.) Ha! I told you I'm a better liar than you!

Pinky: Woah, woah, woah! Step aside! I'll show ya how a real motherfucka lies. (Approaches a counter) Hey, bade! Give me a Grilled Cheese Deluxe and make it snappy and dope, 'coz we're astronauts and we gotta get back up in space! Know what I'm sayin'?

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh, my! (Speaks using a loudspeaker) One Grilled Cheese Deluxe for the astronauts. (The announcement arouses the real astronauts' curiosity.) That'll be two fifty.

Pinky: Damn! That's a moon quarter! (Points to a quarter)

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh! (Takes the money)

Pinky: Motherfucka! See?

Brain: C'mon, that was lame!

Cheezer's Cashier: Excuse me, sir! Your Grilled Cheese is ready.

Brain: Thanks. We gotta get this back to our astronaut captain. Know what I'm sayin'? Hmm! Hmm!

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh, is that your astronaut captain over there?

Brain: Huh? (Sees Pinky talking with real astronauts) ARGHHHH! (Comes up to them)

Squit: That's not good.

Pinky: This is the guy!

Real Astronaut: (Very indignant) You're the guy?

Brain: I'm...

Pinky: Go on.

Brain: (Unsure) I'm the guy...

Real Astronaut: (Suddenly, a real astronaut turns very excited. He is about to shake Brain's hand.) Well! It's an honor to meet you, captain! Lieutenant Pinks here has told us a lot about you and your whole team.

Real Astronaut 2: Yeah, it's great to meet five real fellow astronauts. State your names.

Pesto: Pesto.

Wakko: Wakko, the middle child.

Squit: Squit, the smartest!

Real Astronaut: So, what are you guys doing in this dump hole, anyways?

Pinky: Ah, you know. We're just pickin' up a Grilled Cheese for our commanding officer.

Real Astronaut 2: Ha-ha! I hear that!

Brain: Ha, yeah! We were just getting ready to take it back to the compound.

Real Astronaut 2: Compound? We were just getting ready to go there ourselves! Wanna lift?

Squit: Uh, sure. We'll take a ride to the compound.

Real Astronaut: Come to think of it, why haven't we seen you around the compound before...?

Pinky: We've just got back from a 10-year stand in the old shuttlecraft. Isn't that right, Captain B?

Brain: Yeah. And we've just transferred here. It's our first day.

Real Astronaut: Well, welcome! We'll be glad to show you around! Now, I hope you're up to spend a 2.5 million dollars of taxpayers' money, 'cause we're drivin'!

(They use a kind of an Apollo-like spaceship as their vehicle and simply cross the street because the compound is located right opposite of the Cheezer's.)

Real Astronaut: Gentlemen, welcome to the compound! ('Compound' echos)

Pesto: Oh, uh, I forgot my ID in my other pants. Can you help me out, guys?

Squit: Oh, what? That was my ID! I told you not to lose it!

Pesto: DAT'S IT! (as he was about to fight with Squit)

Real Astronaut: Guys, guys, calm down! You can use our IDs! (They pass the checkpoint.) Here. You guys might be more comfortable in these. (Passes them jackets)

Pinky: Ah, thanks! Yeah, I love these things, but Captain B might not be that into 'em. Don't you like the uniforms in pink?

Real Astronaut: Pink?!

Brain: I only had to borrow a pair that one time from... (Notices an employee list on the wall and quickly picks up a random name) Dr. Asinoskovich. That one time.

Real Astronaut: Ah, you know Dr. Asinoskovich? That's funny. Because she's right here! (Points at a woman standing with her back towards them)

Dr. Asinoskovich: (Turns around and speaks with a German accent) I don't remember you!

Brain: Really? Uh... It was one time at that conference. You don't remember me?

Dr. Asinoskovich: Uh... I don't remember very much from that conference. I... have to go! (Runs away very quickly)

Real Astronaut: Wow! That was awkward! Ah, come on! We'll give you the grand tour!

Brain: Pinky, you should quit right now. You're totally gonna get caught!

Pinky: Ha. We'll see.

(Wakko gets out a large bell and makes a "bong" noise)

Squit: (confused) What was that?

Wakko: That, my friend, is the sound of doom for us all!

(Squit N/R: And do you think that's gonna go well, wait 'til you see what's gonna happened next. Hopefully.)

Part 2: We're Doomed!

(Lies by Thompson Twins is being played while the astronauts are showing Pinky and Brain around.)

(Squit N/R: Just as soon as we got to the antimatter chamber, those 2 dickheads just can't shut the fuck up with their bullshit already.)

(Brain and Pinky wash their hands in the bathroom.)

Pinky: Man! I don't think you can last much longer of this bullshit! I think you should give it up or you're done, you bender!

Brain: They're not onto me, Pinky.

Pinky: Then I guess it's time that I start lying at one hundred percent! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?!

(They come out of the bathroom.)

Real Astronaut: And what tour would be complete without a stop at the pride of our compound - the antimatter chamber! (Slaps some clerk on his back) How is she running today, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Well, actually, sir... There've been some problems maintaining safe levels of-

Real Astronaut: (Slaps Jimmy again, causing Jimmy to drop his clipboard right onto a green button, pushing it) That's fate. I don't understand a half of that these science types say.

Pinky: Oh, that's too bad. Captain here's an expert on it!

Real Astronaut: You're an expert on antimatter?

Brain: Uh... Yeah... Uh... But not compared to how much this guy knows! (Points to Pinky)

(An alert beeper sound grows stronger.)

Pinky: (Frustrated) Uh...

Brain: Did you know he wrote a book on it?

Pinky: We wrote a book on it!

Brain: Well, you did most of the work on it!

Pinky: But your name's on the cover!

Brain: Yeah, right next yours!

Pinky: Above mine!

Real Astronaut: Jimmy, knock off that beepin'!

Jimmy: Yeah, actually, sir, I'm having trouble with-

Real Astronaut: Trouble? We-ell, these guys are experts! Can you lend a hand, fellas?

Pinky: Sure, we can! Go ahead, captain!

Brain: (Approaches the control panel) Well, according to the book Lieutenant Pinks wrote, you wanna turn that knob there.

(Jimmy follows the orders.)

Pinky: (Cuts in) But captain's own research really outdates mine. So turn that knob over there!

Squit: Uhhh...guys.

Brain: But he's forgetting the recent discoveries he made! Flip those switches!

Squit: Guys.

Pinky: Discoveries based on his studies... Hit those buttons!

Squit: Guys.

Pesto: Oh, It's gonna be so dope! (eats popcorn)

Brain: What the fuck, man!? I never said hit those buttons!

Squit: Guys.

Pinky: Yeah, Jimmy! You're not doing like captain B just fuckin' said! You gotta do it like this! (Bumps over all the buttons)

(The anti-nucleus gets unstable. Pipes burst. Danger light bulbs explode.)

Squit: Oh shit.

Brain: (furious) Pinky, knock it off! You're gonna fuckin' break it!

Pinky: No, you're gonna fuckin' break it!

Squit: GUYS!

Pinky & Brain: WHAT!?

Major Williams: What's all this commotion?

Real Astronaut: Major Williams? Sir! (Dusts off Pinky and Brain) We were just showing these new transfers around the compound, sir!

(A warning siren is heard.)

Jimmy: Captain B! Lieutenant Pinks! The antimatter is becoming unstable!

(Shows the antimatter wobbling in a mass.)

Wakko: (scared) We're fucked!

Pesto: I'm lovin it! (laughs)

Real Astronaut: Captain B, Lieutenant Pinks! You can fix it, right?

Brain: Yes! Lieutenant Pinks can totally fix it!

Pinky: Not without captain's help, I can't!

Squit: (confused) Guys, are we even doing anything?

Pesto: Shut up, Squit! I'm enjoying this!

Real Astronaut: No time for modesty! All of you, get in, NOW!

Pesto: Awww! But I haven't finished my popcorn!

(The astronaut opens the antimatter chamber door and shoves Pinky, Brain, Squit, Wakko and Pesto in there.)

Wakko: We're gonna die.

Brain: Dude, this is all your fault.

Pinky: What?! You're the one who won't fuckin' admit that you suck at lying!

Brain: 'Coz I don't!

(The others watch Pinky and Brain argue through the window.)

Brain: As a matter of fact, I don't know if I should ever talk to you again, let alone give you a ride home either!

Pinky: Look! Why don't you give up and tell 'em what's going on so they can help us?!

Brain: No, you do it!

Pinky: No way!

(The antimatter shakes even more.)

(Pinky and Brain argue some more until Squit loses his temper.)

Squit: (frustrated) Fine! I'll do it, it y'all just shut the hell up! (He gets the microphone)

Real Astronaut: What's the holdup?

Squit: Look. I have to tell you the truth. (Pinky & Brain nods.) I have a condition that makes me forget everything in times of extreme stress. (Pinky & Brain's mouth hangs open in shock.) My own fuckin' team doesn't have that condition. They're just idiots!

Pinky: Awww...what?!

Brain: What the fuck?!

Wakko: Outta line, y'know!

Pesto: Hey!

Squit: We need you tell us what to do!

Real Astronaut: Oh, my... Jimmy, what do we do?

Jimmy: They have to penetrate the anti-nucleus with something solid!

Real Astronaut: Right! Listen up! You have one chance at this thing, Lieutenant Pinks! You have to throw Captain B into the anti-nucleus!

Pinky & Brain: WHAT?!

Real Astronaut: It's the only way! Lieutenant Pinks is too big for you to throw. You must sacrifice yourself to save thousands of lives, captain!

Wakko: (shocked) Wait, for a joke!?

Brain: NO! Don't listen to him, Pinky! DON'T DO IT!

Real Astronaut: Do it! Throw him in! THROW HIM IN!

(Pinky looks around, conflicted.)

Brain: Please! No! No!

Real Astronaut: Throw him now! NOW!

Pesto: I dunno about you but this is getting mad tings! (eats popcorn)

Pinky: (looking apologetic) Oh god, what have I done!?

Brain: I'm sorry! I'm sorry for lying! You win, okay?! I won't lie anymore!

Pinky: I'm really sorry, B! But I can't let everybody die because of our bullshit! (Pinky lifts Brain up over his head and is about to throw him in...)

Brain: (Poor Brain) NO!

(A zip sound is heard.)

Brain: Huh? (Sees that his jacket is unzipped)

Pinky: Jesus. You thought I was gonna throw you in? I told you I'm a better liar than you. (Holds the grilled cheese bag in his hand)

Brain: Newt's grilled cheese!

Pinky: You better hope this works, grilled cheese! (Pinky throws a bag with grilled cheese into the anti-nucleus. The anti-nucleus catches the bag with its energy field ready to disintegrate as the others celebrated) Yes, it's working! It's working, it's working, it's… (Then it catches him...) Nyahh!

Brain: Pinky! (...and Brain, Wakko, Squit and Pesto as well) Ahh!

Wakko: OH GOD, IT HURTS, IT FUCKIN' HUR...! (It twists him up as he screams)

(It twists, rips them up, and puts them back together, then explodes as they scream. It then throws them out, knocking over the chamber door. They both look roasted enough. They groan and cough as they look up at the others.)

Pinky: Yeah. We're not astronauts.

(Cut to their house. The two astronauts hurl Pinky, Brain, Squit, Wakko and Pesto out of a van.)

Real Astronaut: If you ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU'RE DEAD!

Pinky: We saved the fuckin' city, astro-!

(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag in Pinky's face and drive away. Pinky and the others walked to Newt's house.)

(Squit N/R: Thank god, this cringe-worthy nightmare is over, it all happened because of Pinky stole Newt's grilled cheese,...(Newt: Then how come it says "Newt" on the bag!?) ...lied about getting in,... (Brain: We're astronauts.) ...and suffering some physical trauma. (Wakko: IT HURTS!) The last thing we wanted to do is to be almost exploded into smithereens.)

Squit: So, I hope you guys learned your lesson about this "bullshit"!

Pinky: Y'know what, you're right! Sorry, Brain!

Brain: Sorry too, Pinky.

Pinky: Give up?

Brain: Give up.

(They shake their hands for forgiveness.)

Pinky: But, I'm not giving up that Pesto's dad's gay! (laughs)

Pesto: (furious) MY DAD'S NOT BENT!

(Newt is on the computer as they enter his room.)

Newt: Where have you been? I've been waiting all day!

Pinky: Sorry about the sandwich.

(Pinky gives Newt his Grilled Cheese Deluxe. It is totally burned.)

Newt: What the hell? Dafuq happened to my sandwich?!

Brain: There were spacemen! At Cheezer's! And the tube... we went down and... everyone wore sweatpants... even us... and then the room with the bad stuff... but... we saved the city with your sandwich!

Newt: (in disbelief) Ugh... Why do you always have to lie to my face?

Pinky: We ran it over by accident.

(Pause)

Newt: See? Was it so hard to tell the truth?

THE END!

Hope you guys enjoyed this fanfic episode of The Outsiders. See ya lata! Thx. Peace!

[astargatelover]

Watching The da Vinci Code for the first time - A documentation

-  About to watch The da Vinci Code for the first time. It’s about 3AM. Back of the DVD says the movie’s almost 2h30 long. Will approximately be going to bed at about 6AM. I gotta be crazy.

- Back of the DVD also says (translated from German): In the middle of the night the (…) is (…) Langdon (TOM HANKS) in the (…) director was murdered. His (?) (…) that of the Vitruvian Man (…) is the first horrible clue (…) and symbols. At the risk of his life (something something) Langdon – and from then on it’s a normal description, it’s just that that part is obscured by the library stamp. So I can confidently say I totally know what’s going on in this movie! *serious nod*

- Third highlight of the back of the DVD: Ian McKellen, grumpy-looking monk dude and a guy looking like Palpatine. And the Louvre.

- Also in the movie: Some German I don’t know (but yay!) and Paul Bettany. He’s cool; I really liked him in A Knight’s Tale.

- Let’s get this show on the road!

- …gotta update my media player. One sec!

- There we go. …where’s the always-on-top button? Ah, found it! Light’s off in my room; cinema time.

- Music’s already nice in the menu.

- Audio: English. (More nice music.) Subtitles: (Hey, they have Turkish on offer!) Off.

- (They even have subtitles for the trailers. But no extras. Am miffed. What kind of bare-bones DVD is this?!)

- 20 minutes after the first “about” up there: Play movie.

- Fancy title cards.

- Dude running. He’s gonna die; I know that much.

- Paul!

- *sigh*

- Oooooh, it’s Robert. That’s a lot of applause.

- (Btw, in case you didn’t know: I have watched Angels & Demons because I love Ernesto Olivetti a crazy amount.)

- I like Robert. Awesome presentation.

- Also like Tom Hanks. He’s great.

- Accents, y’all.

- Latin? Latin. Italian? No, definitely Latin.

- Ouch. Self-flagellation. Ooooooouch. Some religious people are crazy.

- Dude, you can barely stand. I’m a sadist and I don’t want you doing that to you.

- We’re only 10 minutes in, my goodness.

- Claustrophobia! I relate to that.

- Just let the dude take the stairs.

- Wow.

- Priests.

- Have I mentioned I’m not a big fan of catholics? Nothing personal.

- Also: Autistic Langdon, symbology special interest.

- French.

- Sophie! Heard of her.

- Strange happenings.

- Oooooooooh.

- French lady. I don’t speak French.

- *window jump scare*

- We don’t trust the police guy.

- Conspiracies!

- Fuck.

- “Once he starts, he doesn’t stop.” He’s like Javert.

- Climb out the window?

- More French.

- Oooooooh! They’re so tricking them, aren’t they? They’re not dumb.

- Bye bye!

- I’m sorry for Sophie.

- (I saw that part where her grandfather got shot years ago.)

- Here we go with the anagrams.

- Eidetic memory (pretty much) - firms up my autism headcanon.

- Can you even get that close to the Mona Lisa irl?

- Tom Hanks has a really nice nose. xD

- Langdon’s so good with anagrams.

- It’s like a scavenger hunt.

- Ooh, Musketeer symbol.

- Chase music!

- Flashback with crazy meetings.

- A smart! I get to bop someone now.

- Ooh, Les Mis.

- Backwards! That’s impressive.

- She’s so gonna make it.

- She made it!

- Bye bye, mirror.

- Paul’s looking angry.

- Someone got stabbed. I sense guilt.

- More dead people.

- Holy water.

- A nun.

- A rose line.

- Is he gonna kill her? She seems nervous.

- MORE FRENCH.

- Red light zone.

- (It’s raining outside. Kinda sets the mood.)

- You stay away from that dude, nun.

- Saving a junkie?

- (Sophie’s a really nice name, btw.)

- He rambles when he gets the chance so much. Really reminds me of special interests. (And in case anyone takes issue with that, I should know. I’m autistic. I have them.)

- My parents just watched Knightfall. Now I know some about the templars’ fall.

- Sophie didn’t know they were supposed to protect the Holy Grail? Really? Huh.

- Moooooore French.

- Please don’t die, nun.

- That’s some scar under his eye.

- Those look like some anger issues.

- It’s the grumpy-looking monk dude.

- Seriously, I understand more Latin than French.

-  “Blood is being spilled” as he’s spilling wine, that’s great.

- Freeeeeeeeeench.

- “I don’t think he liked me very much. He once made a joke at my expense.” I relate to this guy so hard on the autism level.

- It’s the German dude.

- That’s some system they’ve got at that bank.

- You call that a rose?

- I’m with Langdon here. Safe passage?

- Aww, poor guy. I’ve got claustrophobia, too, and I haven’t even got a traumatizing event behind me. (I read that somewhere.)

- I like the driver.

- A lot. Nice one with the watch.

- Langdon, you look sick. Please don’t die, y’all.

- JESUS CHRIST.

- Poor Sophie. </3 Woah.

- How tf did that truck get there?

- That bullet. Smaaart move. *thumbs up*

- Ouch.

- Bye bye again.

- Do I like the police captain? I don’t know.

- The tea convo. xD

- Is Langdon like this in the books? I hope he is.

- How old is Sophie? *googles Audrey Tatou* (Ooh, Amélie!) *checks when movie was made* ‘bout 30.

- Yaaaaaas, Ian.

- Also please don’t die.

- (Both my faves in Angels & Demons die. I’m vorbelastet and can’t find a good English word for that.)

- Jesus was cool.

- Those helmets. Feathers!

- “Not even his nephew twice removed.” xDDD

- Is that paisley? *googles* It is. Nice!

- Just in case you’re wondering, I am typing this as I watch the movie. I’m not saying I’m not missing anything, but I like multitasking.

- *googles The last Supper* Wow, no cup.

- Genital symbols.

- Wombs open towards the ground, though. People with them aren’t constantly doing handstands.

- Have I mentioned one of my favorite movies is Dogma, which postulates that Jesus had siblings? I’m liking this conversation.

- “Companion meant spouse.” My gay ass likes this.

- If that is Mary Magdalene, though, which apostle is missing? Been wondering this for years.

- Scions. I like this.

- I’m all for sex positivity.

- Your time’s kinda running out, guys.

- Almost halfway through, now.

- Do you seriously believe they’re murderers?

- Why do you wear your police thingies like a blind man’s band?

- Was overall expecting a bit more running in this movie, I guess.

- Poor Sophie. This is a lot to take in.

- Beating someone up with crutches! Yas!

- Like, ouch.

- Do you happen to have a secret passage under your house? Would come in real handy.

- Oh, Zürich! Man, accents. Barely understood that.

- Frehehench.

- In my personal experience claustrophobic people aren’t generally fans of planes. That might just be me, though.

- Still don’t know Paul’s character’s name.

- We are leaving the country.

- That haircut. On the dude with the grumpy-looking monk.

- Does Jesus having a family beside his parents somehow make him less holy? *shrug*

- FRENCH.

- Police brutality?

- “Please”? Seriously? I understood that much and you’re a dick.

- This is, like, some Order of the White Lotus stuff.

- You need a mirror? You can’t read it otherwise? Huh. Well, I guess it’s just easier.

- I really like Lee.

- How many more ways can I angrily write French? (I don’t have anything against the language per se. I just don’t understand what they’re saying and that irks me. There aren’t even subtitles for that. I feel like there are supposed to be subtitles.)

- (It is nice, however, that they’re sticking to the languages they’d actually be speaking. I wonder if it’s all German in German.)

- Yo, police. Be more subtle. You could have laid a trap.

- “You can start with him.” Hm! xD

- “I could run them over.” !! Man, this is great.

- This is like a fucking magic trick.

- You know what, I wanna watch that again.

- The DVD did not like that, so now I get to look at the “pick scene” menu. At least there’s more nice music.

- Just out of curiosity… *checks* There are 24 chapters and I’m at the 16th.

- I can understand more French when I concentrate on it, but I’ve been too annoyed about it so far.

- Never had French at school, btw. But have a bit of a talent for languages. When it comes to those I can sometimes cobble meaning together from context and existing knowledge.

- “The French cannot be trusted”, sounds so ominous.

- As a fan of Angels & Demons, I am very interested in what the Vatican has to say about all this.

- Told ya we don’t like planes.

- Naww, Sophie. Arm pat, yas.

- How do you accidentally fall into a well feet first? Hmm…

- Saved by pigeons, wow.

- Paul’s eyes are super blue.

- Is he gonna get killed?

- What an old-ass phone.

- I’m worried about that newspaper.

- How they’re keeping the identity of the teacher secret is A+, shooting-wise.

- “Your identity shall go with me to the grave.” Did he know he was gonna die?

- Nice one!

- Is the second movie this long? *checks* Not quite.

- Seriously. Unnaturally blue eyes.

- Shoot-out.

- I can kinda see where Lee’s coming from. Don’t agree with the method, but…

- Did a shoulder-shot really kill him?

- See? Nope.

- I think I do kinda like the police captain.

- Have I mentioned my attraction to side characters?

- Oh, that tiny wound on her neck. I like the attention to detail.

- And those stained glass windows! Pretty.

- His mind! Wow.

- I wanna see this scene without music and special effects, though, to see what Sophie and Lee see. Must be pretty weird. xD

- Dramatic musiiiiic.

- Police captain coming through! Yas.

- Robert’s like “What is happening?”

- Man, those poor policemen with the screaming dude in the back of the car.

- Can’t resist a challenge, can you?

- It’s hecking dark behind that doorway.

- Can they get away with getting rid of all the villains half an hour before the movie’s over?

- Now she’s all Ghost Whisperer-like.

- I like the way it sounds when she calls him Robert.

- (Doing some more googling. Ah, it’s Leigh. I see.)

- Who are these guys? Something bad’s happening.

- Flashbacks and MORE FRENCH.

- Wonder if Robert and Sophie use the formal you in German. It wouldn’t fit.

- Sophie’s world is kinda falling apart.

- (She’s like Bethany in Dogma. Don’t know if anyone here even knows Dogma, but I love it.)

- Family reunion! Who put those onions here?

- See? Robert and I agree. Why should a family make Jesus less holy?

- I really like this friendship. I hope they’ll meet again.

- Checking if she can walk on water. xD

- Hey, it’s the Eiffel tower! And it’s playing light house.

- Blood.

- What? What is it?

- Wow.

- This music is real nice.

- 7 minutes of credits.

- Again, though: The music is nice.

[dankavocados]

Fruits Basket episode 6 thoughts

Spoilers for the manga so keep on scrolling if you haven't read it

I love how good the animation in candlelight was!!!! Wow!!!!! I am impressed!!!!

Also the fact that shigure and akito have a relationship where they can just talk MAD shit about each other oh my goddddd. Shigure saying "she's a better person than you" and akito just being like "and what about it?"

The haaatttttt 😭😭😭 I've seen a few people be like it looks like Yuki!!!! But kyo was listening!!! I'm so confused!!!! AND IT'S GONNA BE SO GOOD I'm so pumped for when they go past what the 2001 anime got to!!!!

Yuki has so much characterization!!! He has a messy ass room and eats junk food and stays up late and just...ahhhh he's so good!!! And accurate!!!

I feel like I'm one of the few people that like Momiji's accent? I think it's something important about him. He's half German! He does speak German, we've seen him do that. I just think it's nice. But that's me. :)

So excited for next week!!!!! God I love this anime!!!!

[britishassistant]

Nana: Part 2

Disclaimer: All Nanbaka characters are property of Futamata Shou. I just wrote about them.

Hani bristled as he felt his latest annoyance ran over to him. Just when he was about to trounce Uno at darts again! Sure he may have lost the past two games, but darts were Hani’s specialty. He wasn't about to get beaten by that shrimp-haired bastard on his home turf!

Nana stopped about a foot from him, looking on curiously as he lined up his shot. “Kiji-San said I needed to come over here to make friends.”

“What the hell for? You’ve already got Nanba’s number one heartthrob for a cell mate.” Hani grunted, examining the board carefully. His arm tensed to throw.

“He said that you and Trois-San are bad influences. Because you steal bras and he steals panties.” Hani’s shot veered wildly at the blasé accusation. “Are you winning?”

“NOT ANYMORE I’M NOT!!” Hani roared, outraged. The nerve of this kid, throwing around such a baseless allegation! “Besides, why would I stoop to stealing worthless upper underwear?! Everyone knows that panties are the pinnacle of a man’s dream!!”

Nana looked thoroughly unimpressed by his heartfelt claim. “So what? You’re still a perverted underwear thief regardless.”

Hani scoffed. “Whatever. I wouldn't expect a kid whose balls haven't dropped yet to understand.”

Nana reddened in shame at the truth in his words, mouth gaping as he tried and failed to come up with a comeback. Hani enjoyed the small sense of satisfaction from being able to shut one of his cell mates up at least, even if his throw had to be ruined to do it.

Just then the shrimp-bastard decided to interject himself into a conversation that didn't involve him, and clamped a hand on Hani’s shoulder. “Jeez, and I thought you just had a bad attitude! A pervert on top of being short-tempered— no wonder you had to steal women’s underwear, they probably wouldn't go near you otherwise.”

“I HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THEM THAN YOU, SHRIMP-BASTARD!! AND DON’T TOUCH ME!!” Hani swiped at the hand on his person. Nothing pissed him off more than Uno’s shit-eating grin—

“Wow, Hani-kun even looks good defending his reprehensible habits and bad luck with women!”

—Except, perhaps, for Trois’s infuriating put-downs that he said with a sweet tone and a sincere smile. “Trois, you BAASTAAARD!!!!”

Uno pretended to wiggle a finger in his ear. “Noisy as always, huh? It’s probably a miracle I haven't gone deaf yet from arrow-head over here.” He held out a hand to Hani’s latest annoyance. “By the way, it’s nice to meet you. I’m prisoner number 11, but call me Uno.”

“I-I’m number 0307, but Hani-San a-and Trois-San call me Nana. I’m their new cell mate.” Nana stuttered slightly, returning the handshake. Which was weird, because this was the first time Hani had ever heard Nana trip over his words. “I-I’m very sorry, y-you probably get asked this a lot, but a-are you from England?”

Uno grinned and scratched a cheek with a finger. “You can tell from the accent, huh? Yeah, I’m from a place called Birmingham— probably don't know where that is though—“

“I know where that is!” Nana insisted, sounding more fired up than Hani had previously seen him. “I-I’ve never been there, but I could find it on a map! I’m from a small village between Essex and Hertfordshire.”

For some reason, the grin on Uno’s face became a mega-watt beam. “Seriously?! Man, it’s been a while since someone from my country came to Nanba! Everyone here is Japanese, American or Chinese.”

“My beautiful self is French.” Trois interjected from where he was trying to teach the human lock-pick how to play billiards.

“I-I’m German.” The fire guy from New Year’s added tentatively from where he was playing mahjong with the braided chinaman and the trap guard.

“I’m from Texas!” The green-haired brat from 13 yelled cheerfully, waving his game console.

“Pretty sure that is America, Nico!” The gambler called back fondly. He turned to the kid. “Anyway, welcome to Nanba! I’m this prison’s number one heartthrob.”

“…You know, that’s the third time I’ve heard that phrase since I came here.” The boy’s tone was more than a little exasperated, but still upbeat. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Uno-San.”

Nana’s eyes were practically goddamn sparkling and his smile almost matched Uno’s for intensity. The way he was looking at the shrimp-bastard, was almost like…

“Oh HELL no.” Hani bodily forced himself between the two, and steered Nana away from the shrimp-haired bastard towards Trois. “No, no, no. Fuck NO.”

“Hani-San, what—?” Nana protested, trying to dig his heels in.

“That’s Hani-Senpai to you!” They were off the coast of Japan, so he at least should get to be called by the proper honorific as the senior inmate, like in Ninja Kamikaze, dammit!

He safely deposited one annoyance away from the other, and spun the boy around to face him, hands an iron grip on his shoulders. The look on Hani’s face was slightly manic, the arrows in his hair jabbing the air wildly.

“Listen to me. I don't fucking care if you wanna be all buddy-buddy because you come from the same shitty country or whatever—under NO circumstances are you allowed to start mimicking that cowardly, cheating, plain-looking shrimp bastard!”

He already had to deal with Uno in the recreation room. Hani wasn't going to chance having a mini-version in his cell with him.

Nana blinked, a stupefied look crossing his face. “…What?!”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING PLAIN-LOOKING, YOU STUPID ARROW ASSHOLE!!” The aforementioned cowardly, cheating, plain-looking shrimp bastard screeched.

“YOU HEARD ME YOU THIRD-RATE BRAIDED IDIOT!!!” Hani bellowed in return. “STOP TRYING TO CORRUPT MY CELLMATES WITH YOUR WEIRD UNATTRACTIVE STUPIDITY, YOU LIMEY BASTARD!!!”

“BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP BEFORE I COME OVER THERE TO BEAT YOUR ASSES!!!” The bald gorilla roared.

Nana let out an “eep!” and somehow managed to escape Hani’s grasp to hide behind Trois in less than three seconds.

Trois gently patted the trembling child’s head. “There, there, the gorilla’s not coming after you, see? Nothing to be afraid of.”

“He hates me.” Nana rasped, staring sightlessly at Trois’ jumpsuit, fisted hands shaking. “He definitely hates me. No one glares like that unless they hate you. He’s going to murder me the first time he gets the chance.”

Hani frowned from where he’d taken shelter behind the billiards table. Great, he’d just gotten the kid over the last attempt, now all his good work was put to waste thanks to that shitty gorilla. Nana looked just as much of a nervous wreck as when he’d arrived.

He was about to get up and start telling his junior that not everyone had it out for him, when the human lock-pick spoke up. “Hajime wouldn’t do that. He gets angry at us, and beats us up, but he wouldn't ever do something like that. It goes against the nature of “supervisor”, and Hajime is the first to get pissed off when someone does that. He won't kill you. None of the guards will. They just wanna keep us here, not hurt us.”

Hani pouted, somewhat put out at the emotionless brat stealing his thunder. Then he glanced at the kid, and his skin prickled.

“Do you promise?” Nana’s eyes were wide and focused, penetrating in their scrutiny.

It was the same gaze Hani had been confronted with when he had found the boy practically folded in half balanced on top of a bathroom stall during lunch, gripping the knife he’d been stabbed with in case his attacker happened to look up while searching for him.

The inconsistent human key nodded. “I promise. I’m Jyugo. Nice to meet you.”

All the tension seemed to drain out of the child’s posture, and his eyes dropped. “I’m Nana…pardon me if this is rude, but aren't your feet cold?”

The gazes of everyone at the billiards table dropped to the drowning expert’s bare feet. “Ah, well, the cuffs make it kind of hard to wear shoes, so—”

“Aren't sandals or house shoes an option though? They don't reach your ankles.” Nana frowned. “It’s bad to just go around like that— they could get cut open if you step on something sharp, or your toes could get broken into an ugly mess if someone with shoes trod on them. You should ask your supervisor for something suitable that goes with your look.”

Uno, who was cowering on the other side of the billiards table, heaved a sigh. “And here I was wondering if you were really a part of the pretty-boy Cell. Guess you are one of them after all, huh?”

Nana reddened, and began fidgeting like the lock-pick had been throughout his scolding.

Trois smiled. “Wow, your jealousy is really uncool, Uno-kun! Though it is to be expected in the face of the beauty of Nanba’s number one heartthrob~”

The shrimp-bastard ground his teeth in envy. Hani snorted at the sight. “C’mon limey. I still need to beat you at darts again.”

“Excuse you, I was winning, you arrow bastard!” The gambler scampered back over to the board.

“You wish, braided asshole!” Hani followed him, intent on proving his mastery.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the lock-pick direct Nana over to the sickly kid and the chi guy. Every time he happened to glance over, they all appeared absorbed in the shitty game console the druggie was playing on.

Then Uno would make a smart-ass remark about mother hens or some fuckery, and Hani would refocus on destroying the shrimp bastard on the dartboard.

About half-an-hour in, Nana ran over again. “Hani-Senpai, do you know where the bathrooms are?”

Hani raised an eyebrow. Last time he’d been asked that question, he’d ended up following a murderer following his cell mate. “D’you need to wash your hands or something?”

Nana pulled a face. He was still irritated that Hani had made him do that immediately after getting down from the top of the stall— even though they were filthy. “No. I just need to go.”

“How the fuck should I know? I don't live here.” He turned back to his throw.

The braided moron piped up, “Seitaro will tell you— he’s the wimpy pretty boy over there. He won't bite like Hajime does.”

“Thank you Uno-San!” Nan bowed, and ran to the guard who’d managed to beat Kiji at New Year’s. After speaking with both him, the gorilla and Kiji, the pair left, and the guard returned a few minutes later, talking to the gorilla. Based on what Hani could overhear, a guard called Kuu was keeping watch.

Well, it wasn't like Nana could get into much trouble without Hani knowing about it—after the lunch incident, he’d made the boy keep one of his special bullets on him at all times.

Hani smiled as he got another bulls-eye.

His latest annoyance would probably be just fine.

[wickerjulias]

are cute prompts okay too? because i can't stop thinking about the first time napoleon falls asleep with his head on illya's shoulder (like in a car?) because it's such a cute thing and also a display of real trust.

Hey! :) 

Of course they are!! I LOVE writing fluff, even though I’m an angst monster. Thank you so much for your patience, I’m sorry you had to wait so long! I hope you’ll enjoy it nonetheless

Massive shoutout to my lovely beta @takingoffmyshoes!! As always, this fic would still be sitting in my drafts. I’m sending you a thousand Katzenbären over

Words: 1,815Additional Warnings: NoneOn AO3: Shall I Stay?

“Oh, wow,” Gaby deadpans, “you made it.”

Illya refrains from glaring at her and nudges Napoleon’s shoulder to get him to move. He only gets a short grunt in response. The little Ford doesn’t allow much movement and he pushes his partner again, not wanting to stay at the abandoned factory site any longer.

Napoleon hisses like a disgruntled cat, and makes a face like one, too. “That’s no way to treat someone you—”

“Be quiet,” Illya interrupts because he knows the ending to the sentence already and he doesn’t want to discuss it in front of Gaby.

She might be the person he trusts the most beside Napoleon, but she doesn’t need to know everything right away. That’s not how you treat someone you just kissed, Napoleon had been about to say.  The worst of it is that Gaby would probably agree with their partner: beneath her tough exterior, her heart beats romantic – at least when it comes to him and Napoleon.

Napoleon lets Illya shove him into the car, but then plants his ass on the middle seat, arms crossed, and refuses to move further over. His quiet amusement at Illya’s impatience reads like a challenge. He’s on the verge of saying something about it when he catches Gaby’s raised eyebrows in the rearview mirror. She probably sees right through his paltry attempts at secrecy.

“You’re both as subtle as a brick to the face when it comes to each other,” she’d said after a particularly long night out, Napoleon fast asleep against her side.

He’d pretended not to know what she was talking about, just as he now pretends his partner isn’t sitting next to him, pressed stubbornly right up against his side. Napoleon doesn’t like being ignored, so he yawns and stretches deliberately, his hand dangerously close to Illya’s face. He suppresses the urge to push it away, as well as the twin urge to lean forward that last inch and kiss it. What has Napoleon done to him?

He forcibly puts the thought aside and looks out of the window in the hope that he’ll be left alone with his thoughts, but the only thing he sees is his stone-faced reflection staring back at him. Night falls quickly around here, and he wonders briefly how the Scots deal with it. He thinks he could get used to it, maybe after his retirement – a dangerous thought, and one he doesn’t care to dwell on. How often are people in his profession granted a chance at a peaceful life? He’d love it, though, if it were possible.

Inverness possesses a raw beauty he’s not been able to admire enough, and he’s sorry to be leaving so soon. He knows Gaby well enough to guess she’ll insist driving through the night – all too eager to get back to Edinburgh and the lovely junior agent they’ve been working with.

She’s quite the piece of work, especially with her nearly incomprehensible accent, but somewhere along the line Gaby had grown to like her a bit more than professionally, charmed by her quick wit and never-ending thirst for knowledge. Napoleon and Illya could only watch in amused befuddlement as Gaby had ditched the chance to break into a whisky distillery with them, preferring to spend the evening with Peggy instead. Not that he minds; they’re a cute couple, and he really has no room to throw stones.

“Back to Peggy?” Napoleon asks, cutting into Illya’s thoughts, and yawns again.

It’s credit to them that he trusts them both enough to shed his masks almost completely. Not that long ago, he would have been hiding every last bit of exhaustion.

“Shut up,” Gaby snaps and Napoleon grins.

She’s exposed more about her feelings than she would have with a simple “no,” and they all know it.

“That’s a yes then,” Napoleon murmurs in Illya’s ear, as if it were a delicate secret rather than an obvious fact.

Illya hums and smiles at him, helplessly. Napoleon squeezes his knee in answer, his fingers trailing a short path up his thigh before he withdraws them. He leans his head back against the seat and lets out a small sigh. It’s more exhausted than happy, but Illya will take every form of positive interaction he can get. After all, it had taken them some time after Istanbul to properly warm up to each other and for Illya to figure out why his partner was so unlike anyone he’d ever met before.

Napoleon’s breathing has evened out into sleep by the time Illya gives up on staying quiet and leans forward. “How far will we drive?” he asks, hoping Gaby will stop at the next small hotel.

“Well, we’re all tired, so probably just back to the hotel you spotted earlier.” She meets his gaze in the rear view mirror.

“Good,” he answers, trying for serious, but unable the quash the smile that rises at the thought of a good sleep in a soft bed with Napoleon close by.

“You two can stay a bit longer,” she suggests. “We have the rest of the month off, you know.”

That takes care of the smile. “What about you?” he asks sharply. Is she planning something without them, or – almost worse – does she feel unwelcome?

“What about me?”

“Won’t you stay with us?”

Gaby smiles. “I don’t think so. It’ll do you some good to have Mr. Art Specialist to yourself for a while.”

“I don't—”

“You do, Illya. You really, really do. Besides, I want to see Peggy again.”

Illya wants to add something, anything, to tell her he doesn’t mind that she knows. It’s not a dirty secret, after all, but he’s still not entirely comfortable with not just one, but two people knowing so much about him. The number has never been so high. Both of his partners have shown Illya that they trust him, though, so he has to do his part even if it’s not easy.

“He really cares about you, you know,” Gaby adds. “Maybe this will give you both time to figure out where you stand.”

He just hums in response.

As if Napoleon has decided to side with Gaby again, to strengthen her argument, he picks that moment to slump limply against him. Illya goes rigid, hands balling to fists. He’s suddenly right on the edge of panic, his heart hammering in his chest. Nobody’s ever—

Gaby laughs. It’s loud and startles a displeased noise from Napoleon, which leads to him leaning heavier against Illya. He’s only left to glare at Gaby. How dare she make fun of him like that?

“This is a very serious situation,” he hisses.

“Oh, Illyabär,” she says and wipes a stray tear away, “Entspann dich. Ihr solltet das beide genießen.”

Relax. It sounds so easy when she says it like that. “How am I supposed to enjoy this as well?” he asks in English because he’s too tired to use German properly. “What if he wakes up?”

Gaby’s sharp gaze is on him for a fleeting moment, and it’s enough for her to see right through him. She always does. All of his insecurities and doubts are laid bare to her.

“Don’t be so stiff,” she suggests, “and put an arm around him or something. He won’t bite you. He doesn’t like being close to people, true, but he trusts you. Let him in.”

“I already have,” Illya says quietly, and looks at Napoleon, his face open and relaxed as his head rests on Illya’s shoulder.

“Sure thing, Bärchen.” Gaby smiles. “God, you’re so cute, I can hardly stand it.”

“Why, thank you,” he tries, a defense, a last barrier; being snarky seems to help Napoleon, so why not him as well?

“Cute,” Gaby mouths.

“No,” he mouths back, but decides to take her advice.

He’s careful when he wraps his arm around Napoleon’s shoulder, solid muscles moving under his touch to press closer against him. Illya’s ears burn, sure that Gaby is watching them, but when he looks up, she has her eyes on the road.

Allowing himself a moment of weakness, he drops his nose against Napoleon’s hair. It smells of dust, of the lingering hint of his soap, and of something so uniquely Napoleon that it makes his heart ache. He’s lost. Truly and utterly lost.

The realisation makes him look up again, half expecting the panic to come flooding back. Instead, he finds he only wants to stay. He wants to wake up next to Napoleon, wants to hear him laugh more often, wants things he can’t even name, and the sheer unexpected force of it tightens something in his chest.

Gaby has started to hum, like she always does when there’s no music and she wants some  background noise. It doesn’t annoy him as much as it used to. Now it feels more like coming home. It loosens that thing in his chest enough that he can relax again, and before he can think about it he’s stroking Napoleon’s arm, and from there it’s natural to rest his cheek on the top of Napoleon’s head and close his eyes.

There’s a lot he has to think about, but for now he just wants to enjoy this closeness.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, and doesn’t know who he’s addressing: Gaby, with her never-ending support, or Napoleon, with his trust and his open-minded acceptance of change.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. Neither of them replies. They don’t have to. By now Illya knows they care about him as much as he cares about them, and that’s everything he could hope for and more.

When he opens his eyes again, his reflection in the window catches his attention. It looks relaxed now, and strangely at peace. He looks good, he thinks, if he’s ever looked good.

Napoleon makes a small noise in his sleep and draws his attention again. He tightens his arm just slightly, secure in the knowledge the dark is hiding his affection and his partner won’t remember any of this tomorrow. For now, the night will keep his secrets.

The lights of a small town fly by, and suddenly he recognises the tune Gaby’s humming. It’s a song both she and Napoleon have teased him about multiple times.

“Giving in to Western music I see, Peril?”

“Don’t insult his Soviet-ness. He hates it, don’t you, Bärchen?”

This time, he admits defeat with a sigh and closes his eyes to let Gaby’s voice wash over him. In the peaceful dark of the night he admits something to himself that he won’t confess out loud - at least not for a while. Credit’s due to the song, as well as to Gaby’s words and Napoleon’s quiet, grounding presence.

He really can’t help falling in love. He already is in love. And for the first time, these feelings don’t feel like the end. They feel like the beginning.

[yallreddieforthis]

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Richie

Fandom: It (2017)

Pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

Rating: T (for language)

Words: 2.7k

Pre-relationship. Movie canon-compliant but not book. Also posted on AO3

The Greater Fool Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 (NSFW) | Part 5

It seems impossible that a person can be both that shitty and the shit at the same time but like...it’s Richie. And since Richie doesn’t give a single fuck about following any kind of rules, Eddie guesses the ones that govern Eddie’s emotions don’t apply to him either. Greaaaat.

Sometimes Eddie can't believe it's Richie.

Maybe even most of the time, like when everything out of his mouth is your mom and my wang and it's just words, it's not even funny, and Eddie can only tune him out or try to talk over him. Richie cannot shut the fuck up for one goddamn second. And it's not even like Eddie can pin it to anything specific—like, oh, Richie talks more when he's angry or nervous or excited—because he does it when he's every one of those things and any other thing besides. The tone may change—the subject matter even—but the talking. Never. Stops.

Eddie doesn’t really consider himself a beacon of cultural knowledge, but he does own a TV. So he at least has a vague idea of what a British person might sound like, which is more than he can say for Richie. Richie also owns a TV, and yet his British Guy impression is so god-awful that Eddie has to assume he’s basing it on someone’s description of a fever dream they once had about a London street urchin from the eighteen hundreds. This only applies to the actual words though, not the pronunciation—which is pretty much indistinguishable from just Richie being Richie—and that’s across the board for all the voices, not just the British Guy. For someone who loves imitating other people as much as Richie does, it’s unbelievable how remarkably all his Guys sound like they’re from Derry, Maine. Because shouting out mangled phrases he half-remembers from the time he watched Mary Poppins six years ago—in the most American voice imaginable—is still somehow Richie’s interpretation of a British accent.

That isn’t even the worst part of The Voices though. The worst part is that Richie seems to have a sixth sense that alerts him to the exact moment at which it would most infuriate Eddie for him to do one, and invariably it’s as if a little light goes off in the least-developed part of his brain that says Time To Be Italian! (or Southern, or German—he has a constantly expanding, but not noticeably improving, repertoire) and it’s like he just has to do it right then. Sometimes it makes Eddie want to scream at him. Sometimes Eddie does scream at him. But screaming makes no difference; Eddie knows perfectly well that Richie will absolutely do it again the second the urge strikes him, no matter how inappropriate the timing or what Eddie does in reaction.

He's fucking gross too. Not necessarily grosser than the rest of them, but he certainly subscribes to the teenage boy brand of hygiene that dictates that he only really has to shower when Eddie finally shoves him away with a you smell like a sweaty nutsack. Of course then Richie inches closer and it's all how would you know, huh? and Eddie has to be like because I have nuts too, dipshit, and if you never wash them you'll—

And then all his warnings about bacteria and fungal infections are drowned out in the your mom and my wang and vague, half-heard rumors Richie repeats about people from school that Eddie knows aren't true, and he's pretty sure Richie doesn't even believe himself. Fuck him and his terrible, nasty-ass jokes.

Some days he thinks Richie purposely doesn't shower specifically so that he can torment Eddie with his unbearable boy stank. Or how he'll like, step in dog shit and just sort of shrug and wipe the sole of his shoe in the grass and then keep going with whatever he was doing like he's not literally tracking shit everywhere. If Eddie were to step in dog shit—which he wouldn't because he watches where he's going like a sane person—it would bring his entire day to a screeching halt. He gets that he's in the minority when it comes to these kinds of things, but he doesn't get why.

And then Richie has the audacity to suggest that Eddie's just as bad as the rest of them—when he says things like you’re convinced your shit doesn't stink, or it’s the smell of your own breath wafting back in your face—like he thinks Eddie is kind of gross too. Which shouldn't bother him, but it does. Somewhere very, very deep down in his gut he has a nagging suspicion as to why that might possibly be, but he's hell-bent on ignoring it at least until the inevitable destruction of the planet Earth, if not even longer. And that’s going like...pretty well for him. Reasonably well. Maybe a little less well than it used to be, but he's almost fourteen now and he thinks he should probably have a solid handle on the whole thing within the next couple of years.

But even if Richie wasn't either of those things—annoying, disgusting—there's nothing really exceptional that he is. It's not like he's a genius; the gigantic, goofy glasses make him look smarter than he actually is, and he gives as few shits about school as he does about anything else. Eddie is sure that Mrs. Tozier has never been to a parent-teacher conference where she didn’t hear the phrase if he only applied himself, and he’s equally sure that every one of the teachers who said it knew that they were wasting their breath. If Mrs. Tozier—or anyone else—stood even the slightest chance of motivating Richie to care about pre-algebra, there would have been upward mobility in his GPA long before now. Eddie has to assume he does at least some homework—if for no other reason than because he hasn’t been held back yet—but as far as he can tell, Richie bent over a textbook at home is a sight as yet unwitnessed by mankind.

Richie’s not athletic either—by any definition of the word—at least not until they decide to make Competitive Talking an Olympic sport. He’s really good on his bike, but that’s a skill he developed out of practicality because the alternative is being stuck walking all over Derry, and it’s not like being able to ride a bike is something to brag about because even Eddie can do that. But Richie’s not a fast runner. He can’t do a push-up unless it’s the kind that only count as push-ups when girls do them, knees on the ground. He can’t even throw a spitball into a trash can from three feet away (his performance in the Rock War against Bowers and his goons was a crazy, adrenaline-fueled exception)—and like, okay, the bad aim can probably be chalked up to his horrendous eyesight, but even beyond that there’s this general, overall lack of coordination. Eddie has what amounts to a universal pass that effectively excuses him from participating in PE for his entire school career, so he’s never been physically present for what goes down on the yard, but he can pretty much piece it together from the scrapes and bruises all over Richie’s arms and legs. It doesn’t matter what unit they’re on—dodgeball, baseball, soccer, tetherball—Richie plays only one position: target.

He doesn’t fare any better in the kind of extracurriculars that teachers and parents care about, like music. Richie is an aggressively bad singer—a fact Eddie is forcibly reminded of every time anyone has a birthday because Richie always makes a point of sandwiching Eddie between himself and someone who won’t run away (usually the birthday kid’s mom) while he belts out an eardrum-shattering rendition of Happy Birthday at the top of his lungs. Richie seems to interpret birthday party invitations as personal challenges for him to sing louder and worse, challenges he has so far risen to spectacularly on every occasion. The song gets longer each time too, because he never forgets to include Frankenstein on channel nine and the big fat lady on channel eighty and whatever new, ruder verses he’s scrounged up out of nowhere between the last birthday party and this one. Richie’s singing is actually one of the most obnoxious things about him, in Eddie’s opinion, which is really saying something.

He is so unrestrainedly, deliberately awful that Eddie could honestly imagine some idiot adult who doesn’t know Richie listening to him screech the chorus of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go over and over in Eddie’s ear (the newest sabotage tactic he’s been deploying at the arcade to try to make Eddie lose at Street Fighter) and thinking wow, maybe that kid actually has a beautiful singing voice but doesn’t want anyone to know because he’s worried people will make fun of him. They would be wrong, of course, because even when he’s not actively trying to suck, Richie can’t sing for shit. Eddie doesn’t have to know anything about music to be able to tell that Richie’s real singing voice—the one he almost never uses—is flat and off-key. And forget about instruments because whenever someone makes the mistake of letting him get his hands on one, he immediately tries to shove it down his pants—or worse, Eddie’s pants—and pretend it’s a wang.

There’s art—and Eddie has noticed that being a really good artist can absolve someone of the sin of sucking at everything else. Bill, for example, is talented enough with watercolor pencils that if he drew people’s attention to his sketches, he could probably get away with not knowing how to write a half-decent thesis statement or multiply fractions (even though Bill does know how to do those things) because people would just affix the tortured artist label to him and stop giving him shit about the stutter. And Richie actually draws a lot—probably as much as Bill if it’s purely a question of quantity over quality—it’s just that the only things he seems to be interested in drawing are dicks, and the places he chooses to draw them are all technically the property of the Derry Public School District. Also, his fine motor skills are at least as bad as his gross ones, because his handwriting looks the way his singing voice sounds, and the dicks he draws make Eddie question if Richie has ever even looked in his own pants before.

And yet, despite all of the incontrovertible evidence that Richie is actually a walking disaster, there are other times that Eddie can't believe it’s not Richie to everyone else. Or even like anyone else.

It could be argued that it’s almost inevitable due to the sheer volume of jokes he tells, but every so often Richie will get one absolutely, unassailably right. His timing, his word choice—the heavens open, the planets align, and suddenly everybody around him is laughing so hard they can't breathe, Eddie included. His eyes usually end up watering when it happens, but he squints through them to look at Richie because in those moments, Richie glows like nothing else. He tries to act like it isn’t a big deal that everyone is pissing themselves from whateverthefuck he just blurted out of his incessantly flapping mouth hole, but Eddie can tell how thrilled he is when people actually find him funny. It's happening more and more often nowadays, enough so that Eddie sometimes wonders if maybe Richie is wasting his time at school after all. And who needs sports or music or art anyway?

And he could be a whole lot worse about Eddie’s germ thing if he wanted to be, like how some people give him hell about the pills and the inhaler and the hand washing. Richie doesn’t have detergent hands but he sure as shit will mouth off to anybody who gives Eddie a hard time about his. He can’t say Richie doesn’t at least try to look out for him, in his own weird way. Or Bill, or Stan, or Mike, or any of them. It causes more trouble than it’s worth more often than not, especially because Richie doesn’t have any discernable muscle with which to back up his shit-talking, so it probably would honestly be better if he would just like...not. But Eddie can’t really help appreciating it all the same.

But the hardest thing to ignore about Richie—and Eddie wouldn’t admit this to anyone, even under threat of death by clown—is that his memories of what Richie did for him over the summer have become a kind of personal, private shield against fear. They all try to avoid thinking about It as much as they reasonably can (which isn’t much; it’s not like you just go and forget about the time you and all your friends climbed down a haunted well so you could almost get eaten by a demon clown in the sewers), but Eddie’s positive he isn’t the only one who lies awake at night when the sound of his own pounding heartbeat is making him too nauseous to sleep.

The lights are off because it’s almost worse when they’re on. Maybe if he can’t see It coming, it’ll just eat him real fast and get it over with before he even knows what hit him. Still, he doesn’t want to die—instantly is preferable to slowly, but even better is not at all. So he’s developed a set of dozens of little rules for himself to follow—like no turning over, no breathing too deeply, no limbs outside the covers, no long, slow blinks (quick ones are okay; otherwise it’s eyes all the way closed or all the way open). Realistically he knows that not a single one of these rules means jack shit to anyone outside his own brain, but somehow no-ing himself into what amounts to a vegetative state eventually bores him to sleep. Okay, usually it does. More like occasionally. Actually it’s only worked like twice, but whatever. He’ll take what he can get at this point.

Sometimes Eddie thinks he has it worse than anyone else. Well, maybe not worse than Bill. But the rest of them—he isn’t sure if any of them can really understand exactly how fucking useless he felt down in that god-forsaken lair with his arm in a cast. Bill and Beverly were awesome, Mike was like a goddamn soldier, Stan was great after he’d finished crying and even Ben, who Eddie basically thinks of as the most inoffensive kid on the planet, was tough as balls. And Eddie felt like a worthless piece of shit. He hates his arm for being broken, and he hates his nightmares for always including the broken arm. It’s coming at him—just him—and his arm is hanging limply and there’s not a goddamn thing he can do—

And that’s where Richie comes in. Only when he thinks about Richie bitching Bill out for getting them all into this shit situation while inching toward the mountain of broken toys, Richie grabbing a baseball bat and saying now I’m going to have to kill this fucking clown...only then does the terror that surrounds him all through the night start to ease up.

And then he thinks a little further back about when he fell through the floor and broke his arm in the first place, about how all his friends were crowding him and freaking the fuck out, and Richie just looked at his arm and said he was going to set the break and snapped his bone back into place while Eddie shrieked at him to do not fucking touch me. Just like, grabbed his arm where it was dangling the wrong way and fucking did it.

Sometimes… Sometimes Eddie is positive that if It were to show up in his house on any given night, Richie would immediately come crashing through his bedroom window, swinging a baseball bat. Because somehow Richie would know if It returned, would know It was coming for Eddie, would show up in time. He’d show up and keep his shit together while Eddie couldn’t. He’d probably sometimes miss with the bat, but Eddie kind of suspects that it wouldn’t matter. Richie would stand between Eddie and It and just sort of suck all the scary out of the room with his endless, pointless trash-talking. And when Eddie thinks about it that way, it’s like you know what? Screw John McClane; Richie Tozier is Eddie’s hero.

And then Richie sticks his sweaty armpit in Eddie’s face and goddamn it Eddie can’t believe it’s Richie.

[vertigoambrosia]

i applied to three jobs today so i definitely deserve to watch true colors

this is a dumb thing for me to say at the beginning of this show, but dresden looks really pretty

who this new boy commentating

where’s alan

oh! this event theme is different - so far i like it

lol i already forgot jayfk’s actual theme despite hearinf it two or three times

a lil surprised they opened with the tag title match

lax stands for latin american exchange, but it is also the short name of the los angeles airport so i constantly have to remind myself that they are Not Californian

ACTUALLY santana and ortiz are from nyc :)

robert and julian are so cute

woah wait that’s not tommy announcing either! WHY THE NEW VOICES

(i would say i wonder what happened to rico, but half of the time he’s off on vacation so....)

(probably not the best decision to go on vaycay during fucking 16 carat)

dammit i can’t differentiate christian and andy’s voices

(i am very bad at this, to be fair - a lot of the times when i start a podcast it takes me forever to remember which voice is who)

omg this whole julian and ortiz sequence is fucking amazing

calling wxw ‘dub ex dub’ really bothers me for no reason

yaaaaaaaay monster consulting!

i got spoiled on twitter but good for them!

ok ngl i am already biased against audrey bride b/c she’s doing the tired as fuck ‘i’m a diva’ pose

also meh on the kill bill aesthetic but that’s not really important

i do hope this isn’tthe only time we see her though; we need more regular women and not just one time opponents

yeah ok cmj it’s not great on commentary to start with ‘i don’t really know her that well’

‘she’s not a barbie doll or anything, she’s showing women are capable of fighting’ shut the fuck up andy

[that annoyed me enough that i paused the video to type it]

see i wish we at least got like, a lil promo video from audrey, or millie before the match, because commentary keeps talking about their characters and skills but it doesn’t always come across in a first match

also: characters! i like them

also it means more to know these competitors instead of just ‘if kelly beats enough randos she’ll get another title shot’ - when we really know someone’s skilled/dangerous, the win means more

damn kelly has a nice fucking bridge

oh wow shortcut is in august this year? i was wondering why it wasn’t lisen on this tour

i guess they’re making it the tour opening now?

lucky makes me smile every time he exists

who tf is tko

ok that[s not fair actually he def appeared on a shotgun match once cause i remember saying almost the exact same thing

i like the idea of mack’s blue jacket, but with his trunks it’d be better in a much darker blue

LMAO RISE IS POOP EMOJI

i have no use for a track suit but a small part of me wishes i had bought a rise tracksuit

is that a yankees hat in orange? not like, mets orange

oh lucky

it’s not your turn yet!

he’s canadian why tf is he wearing that fake yankees hat

‘the mack...what a sad story’ THE DRAMA

argh i want to ask what you guys think of this andy commentator guy but you all just watch the german version, don’t you?

there’s something about the..idk the speed or rythym of his speech that seems awkward for commentary

but also i might just not be used to his accent

lmao lucky’s so excited..but mack is too srs to acknowledge it

LMAO THAT DRAMATIC ASS TURN

haaaaay peeete

with his jacket open and shirtless, of course

oh shit!!!! oh shit!!! did rise just turn on mack?

awwwwwwwwwwwwww ivan hugged pete :3

now rise is, good

also love how lucky insists on his lil finger thing

the boyfriends are back together :)

i love marius to death but his raiden from mortal kombat look is kinda cringey as hell

marius vs glacier for joey janela’s spring break 3 book it

oh no the old andy dudes went to dresden!

it’s late and my attention wandered but i’m back

????

tlcf match?

is the fan going tobecome important later or is this the match equivalent of that painting

lmao wtf

i have to gif this later

that was a pretty fan too

i hope someday i can go to a wxw show adn sit down

wtf was andy trying to do with that ladder it wouldn’t reach anyway

tfw there’s only one ladder tall enough

ok this is fun and all but boys

wtffffff he just killed him with the chair

no andy i didn’t want you to get the ladder

get reckt andy

this is the only thing about ladder matches; there’s cool action, but then the setup that interrupts shit

gotta go get the ladder

gotta open the ladder all the way

whoops i got dropkicked and the ladder has fallen out of the ring

gotta set up the ladder again

hmm where did that ladder go

BOOOOOOO

BOO THIS BAD MAN

can you climb a ladder without your hands?

APPARENTLY?

BITE THAT TITLE SHOT

god that is actually terrifying

hahahaha fucking security

watch, andy will claim interference if marius wins

AUF DIE FRESSEN

[i probably spelled that wrong but you know what i mean!]

what wtf did christian just say?

‘he’s like the nugget, you can’t flush it, every time it returns’

i’m laughing so fucking hard

i mean i’m assuming it’s just something that didn’t translate well

but that doesn’t make it any less funny

marius nooooooo

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

lmao look at christian’s face he is Not Pleased

not that i don’t want ivan to have a match, but why did they keep it a 4-way?

though actually i guess i like having a multiman as a #1 contender match as opposed to a title match

sup eyeliner prince

look how happy ivan is to be back with pete!

and look how happy lucky is to exist and touch people’s fingers

i like mark davis but his nickname is dumb and so is his hat

omg rise are so cute now with bones and mack gone

i really like lucky and ivan being friendly rivals

lmao mark davis is all ‘fuck your lil curtsy spot’

what the fuck is going on here

did aj start calling that rains of castemere after he became buddies with jurn? did he do it to impress jurn?

mark davis if i stop insulting your nickname will you not kill lucky

he’s my baby boy

oh no ivan died

ilja made a motivation post yesterday and the belt wasn’t in it and now i’m irrationally worried he lost it

which like, it’s not like i’d be mad walter was champ

but i want ilja to have a nice long reign

ok this theme is a good entrance theme, but it does get tiring

i guess most themes with lyrics do pretty easily

oh, felix is doing a title match?

did ilja wrestle the night before or his is chest just like that now

*ilja voice* fuck me up walter

‘walter has no regard for human life’ ok andy that was sufficiently dramatic

HOLY SHIT THOSE PUSHUPS ILJA IS THE EMPEROR OF BEING EXTRA

*ilja voice*  sometimes the skin on my chest falls off but i consume it to recapture the energy from my cells

legit got worried at that sleeper spot

oh ok that’s why tas isn’t doing this one - he needed a night off from getting rekt

not sure why the ref bump was needed though

OH SHIT

walter u can’t win a title if the refs are dead!!!!!

awww now tas has to come out

*tas voice* BOTH OF YOU GO TO YOUR ROOMS

FUCK these near falls are killing me

jesus fucking  christ

it’s 2:45am and i have to go to work tomorrow but lol if i’m able to go to bed after that

[crowned-ladybug]

Not Exactly Fatal

I’m sorry it took me this stupidly long to get around to writing this. Also for turning a request that was probably supposed to be hella angsty into lighthearted bullshit.

Requested by @sesame-icecream

Prompt: “Just breathe, okay?”

Characters: Dr Schneeplestein, Chase

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: needles, talking of blood, getting blood drawn.

Dr Schneeplestein and Dr Iplier share the job of being the egos' doctors pretty fairly. Dr Iplier deals with the more mundane, human problems while Dr Schneeplestein is more well-versed in demonic matters and is a rather capable surgeon if needed. For anything small and leisure, like a common cold or checkups the egos just choose which of their doctors they feel like going to.

And that's how Chase winds up in Henrik von Schneeplestein's office on a pleasant Thursday afternoon for a regular yearly checkup. Because he might be an interdimensional being with potential demonic properties, but everyone needs to go to get a checkup done every once in a while. Even if they're completely healthy and hate the smell of doctors' offices.

"Anything else?" Chase asks nonchalantly, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his hands as he leans forward in his chair. He's already had Henrik check his weight, listen to his breathing (why are stethoscopes so cold and why does he have to take off his shirt, he hates taking off his shirt, why is this a thing), measure his blood pressure and double check whether he’s currently on any medication (no, luckily) or smokes (Hell fucking no thanks). He also did that thing where he hit Chase's knee (and a few other places, but whatever) with a little hammer to check his reflexes and well, that one never stops being hilarious.

"I will need to have your blood drawn, and then we're done," Henrik informs, German accent heavy as ever, as he notes something down on the papers in front of him.

Chase swallows thickly and he's glad the doctor isn't currently looking at him. "Why'd you need that for?"

"It's part of the checkup routine," he leaves his desk and makes his way to one of the cabinets. He starts looking through the boxes, Chase guesses in search of a needle. Fuck. "Plus, seeing as you aren't exactly human, it might provide me with some further useful information!"

"What do you need to know about my blood? It's red, tastes metallic, dries pretty well when it goes places it shouldn't..." Chase shrugs, hopelessly trying to worm his way out of this situation. He knows Henrik has been working on gathering more information about the egos, both to make keeping them healthy easier and to try and figure out just exactly what they are, but...does he really need his blood for that?

"That doesn't tell me much about the microscopic components of it and its structure," Henrik explains with a smile as he sets down his equipment on the desk next to Chase's chair. There's some normal things – a ball of cotton, a dark brown bottle of something, a rubber band – and then that god damn needle. Chase averts his eyes.

"I, uhh..." he suddenly jumps up and makes his way over to the door tentatively. "I uhm...Just remembered that uhh...I gotta pick up Sammy from school," he scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I need to pick her up from school, can't be late. Sorry bro, maybe some other-..."

"Chase, didn't you say Bing was already going to do that?" Henrik asks calmly, but from his smile it's obvious how easily he can see through Chase's little lie. Before Chase could make up more half-assed excuses, he speaks again. "You're not scared of needles, are you?"

Chase clenches his hands into fists, bites his lower lip and looks away for a moment. Damn it.

"It's a standard procedure, you'll barely feel anything," Henrik promises, but Chase cuts him off.

"Don't you dare say that! They always say that, and it's a lie!" Chase stares at him accusingly and the doctor can't help but laugh.

"I promise it's nothing out of the ordinary," he starts again, and Chase crosses his arms in defiance. "Plus, what would your children say if they heard that you were too scared to have your blood drawn and thus halted my research?"

"I...I hate you," Chase grumbles and turns away, arms wrapped around himself. Why does Schneep have to do this to him? He thinks for a bit and at least he's allowed to do it in silence. When he turns back towards Henrik, he looks just as defiant and hurt as before, but he rolls his eyes. "Fine, just make it quick."

"Of course," Henrik promises, though there's a smile hiding in the corner of his lips. He gestures to the chair Chase had been sitting on before, and Chase obliges, though he's still sulking.

He hates every second of it. He refuses to look at the needle at all. He hates how uncomfortable that thing Henrik wraps around his arm is. He hates the smell of disinfectant and how cold the ball of cotton soaked with it is against the bend of his arm.

"I'm going to make it as quick as I can, but if I did it too quick I could hurt you," the doctor explains, placing a hand on Chase's arm. Chase doesn't look his way (the damn needle is right there), but he nods. "It will hurt, but it's not going to kill you or anything," he squeezes Chase's arm before letting go, smiling reassuringly. "Just breathe, okay?"

So that's what Chase concentrates on. Breathing. Not the pain of a damn pointy metal tube entering his arm, not the fact that it's poking right into one of his veins, not the fact that he'd rather be just about anywhere else right now. He breathes.

The pain stops quicker than he expects it to, and then Schneep is pressing a piece of cotton into his skin and he finally dares look. The vial with his blood is already safely out of his sight, and so is the needle.

"Hold it there for a bit," Henrik instructs and lets go of the cotton so that Chase can hold it down instead and he can go about his business. "Now that wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Yes, it was," Chase groans just for the sake of it. It wasn't exactly horrible, but he'd still rather never see a needle ever again in his life.

Henrik laughs and then returns to Chase with a sticker in his hand. "Here. For being so brave."

Chase tentatively lets go of the cotton on his arm (Henrik doesn't scold him for it, so he guesses he's all good) and takes the sticker, laughing as well. "Damn you, man," he turns the small piece of paper in his hand. It has a cute teddy bear on it. "Thanks though. I'm gonna stick it on Anti's forehead."

"If that's what you see fit."

"What better to fix my day than annoying my brother, right?" he laughs again just from thinking about it.

"I'm sure he will get you back somehow," Henrik adds, and Chase chuckles that yeah, he definitely will. The doctor digs into one of his pockets and fishes out two pieces of candy, handing them to Chase also. "And these are for Sammy and Grayson. I expect you to deliver them accurately."

"Wow, I'm over here getting stabbed for my blood and they're the ones who get candy?" Chase says, mock-offended, as he pockets the sweets and stands.

Henrik winks, though it's a little clumsy. "What kind of strange uncle would I be otherwise?"

Chase laughs and claps him on the shoulder. "Whatever, man. Thanks for everything. I think I'll really leave now."

"You're free to go," the doctor nods and escorts him to the door.

Chase turns back just before he leaves fully, wide grin on his face. "Oh, and tell me if you find anything cool in my blood! Maybe I secretly have superpowers or something!"

Henrik laughs as he watches his friend start to walk down the corridor. "Will do."

[fursasaida]

what kind of NCIS episode produces the phrase “capitalist jihad”? asking for a friend

s5e11 is a fucking trip

it’s all about islamophobia, basically (WOW this show took a turn in season 5)

opening is in a mosque during prayer. filmed in the traditional “look at this evil hive mind” manner. one congregant seems like he’s sick or drugged. 

the imam’s arabic is...not quite right, and then he switches to english; pretty sure he’s supposed to be arab, so him saying something like “IZZ-lam” is kind of hilarious

the shaky young man leaves, collapses in an alley, is followed in by a white man in a hoodie. hoodie guy takes his gun, shoots him, then takes his wallet, watch, and ring. 

ZOOM IN on dog tags showing our now murder victim is both muslim and a marine. WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!

when Ziva and Gibbs enter the mosque to check it out, the imam assumes they’re there to interrogate every man under 30. NCIS is woke now 

Ziva is more deferential to gender separation in the mosque than Gibbs because “I am Jewish. I understand tradition.”

this from the woman who in her early appearances was a gung-ho mossad volunteer because her sister had been killed by hamas. 

i’m not saying it’s impossible for a real person to have both these opinions, just that IMO the show uses her as a basic cipher for Israeliness and, as is often the case, therefore a somewhat aspirational model for Americanness in certain respects. when she came on board, she was established as supertough, hyperviolent, willing to do anything for the mission, always assuming everything was terrorism, etc. now in this episode, which exists to be a “grappling with xenophobia/islamophobia/racism” episode, suddenly she’s hypertolerant and understanding.

evidence: in this same episode it is revealed that she “likes muslims” because her best friend growing up was muslim and he was killed in an israeli airstrike when they were 12. which is a precise reversal of the backstory about her sister.

this backstory is revealed in a conversation with the dead marine’s father, who is also the imam of the mosque where we opened, lest the symbolism escape us.

(i should note that she killed her half-brother, who was a kind of geopolitical experiment: her father, the head of mossad, deliberately got a palestinian woman pregnant to have the perfect sleeper agent for the palestinian territories. he grew up hating his father, mossad, israel, etc. and was a double-agent terrorist. ziva is entirely defined by the deaths of people around her, is what i’m saying; her only real love interest was a terminal patient when she met him. and aside from this love interest, every one of those deaths is a palestinian muslims killed by israeli jews, an israeli jew killed by palestinian muslims, or a hybrid killed by a combination of his israeli jewish father’s ruthlessness, his own racialized/islamicized terrorist actions, and his jewish israeli sister.)

(my point is that ziva is not a real character, she is always a cipher for some aspect of the GWOT)

explosives residue is found, i shit you not, on the murder victim’s PRAYER RUG. is it because he was handling and defusing IEDs on deployment in iraq, or because he was in a terrorist cell??? THE AMBIGUOUS DUALITY OF IT ALL. HAVE I MENTIONED A MUSLIM MARINE IS REALLY CONFUSING BECAUSE NCIS WANTS TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE CLEAR ON THAT. NO MUSLIM HAS EVER LED A NORMAL LIFE

the imam, with ziva’s help, appeals to ducky not to autopsy his son because it goes against the religion. ducky is immediately sympathetic because of experiences in bosnia. (ducky is often a cipher for colonial britain; he’s been to every poor, war-torn, and/or developing country in the world, always having fun hijinks with tribal chiefs or volunteering unto the less advanced. this despite his proud scots identity, which you’d never guess from his accent or his mother’s accent; as represented onscreen they’re just real-ass english gentry. ducky only goes scots when they want him to seem folksy.) gibbs and the director object.

when ducky hits on the painfully obvious solution of using cat scans and mris instead of cutting him up, palmer then engages in one of those dumb moral exposition conversations about why should anybody get special treatment, no i don’t have a problem with muslims but they seem to have a problem with “us,” etc. this actually leads to a nice moment where ducky declares that nothing will get better until we learn to respect each other, as he hoists the body into the cat scanner.

when the team goes to plant bugs in the mosque, they comment to each other about how it shouldn’t be this easy to surveil a mosque, and if this were a church or a hospital they’d still be waiting on a warrant. they then immediately drop this to compete over who gets to plant the bug before it turns out the FBI is already there! zoinks!!

zoinks again!! new suspect is a white guy who converted to islam in prison!! and this white guy has the real-deal takfiri ideology going on! “ryan” is his “slave name”!!!!!! (”your slave name?” “yes. you want a statement? death. to america.”) 

oh my god @ literally everything

the fbi thinks the mosque is a recruitment site for al qaeda (which, in NCIS, is actively operating on american soil like.........constantly). but there’s not a cell here! al qaeda has a new business model! they pay people! not only muslims! american citizens, even!!!!!

and that, my friends, is how you get to “capitalist jihad” 

ooooh, it seems like the imam might be in touch with this german guy who recruits for al qaeda (don’t even ask). but wait! plot twist! the imam actually called the fbi on his own mosque! his son was undercover for them!! whoda thunk the muslims mighta been on the right side!!

come to think of it, off the top of my head this is the fourth instance of NCIS doing a kind of cold-war-spy thing where the muslim threat is from white or white-passing people, the whole “you never know who has infiltrated” thing. there was a major incident with a swedish honeytrap who was gonna kill dinozzo because she was secretly hamas.

imam: why do you hate us? gibbs: i don’t. imam: your people do. all we ask for is to live in peace and observe our beliefs. gibbs: i think you are. imam: islam came to your country with hostility in 2001, and that was wrong. but YOU came to our land 500 years ago and you have never left! all we wish for is to be left alone to practice our ways, and yet you cannot LEAVE us alone! why? gibbs: the recruiter killed your son. because he said no, or because he said yes?

i don’t even know what to say about this conversation, except that it’s a strange combo of weird and dumb.

after the FBI stuff, the imam says, “find this recruiter and let me have my vengeance.” gibbs: “no. he’s mine.” this is just so hilariously ncis, even as it’s trying so hard to be, uh, a different show than it actually is

ANNNNND heyo, the murderer is indeed the german guy, but the white guy in the alley was our noble dead marine’s personnel officer, the very one who vouched over and over that the kid never would have been involved in any bad terrorism stuff. took a payoff from al qaeda via steiger! a white guy, and not even a muslim! truly, no one can be trusted

(note how the episode moves away from racialized islam toward the unthinkable opposite: from muslims in a mosque, to a patriotic american muslim, to potential other muslims as perpetrators, to a white american convert as perpetrator, to a white american non-muslim marine reservist plus a german as perpetrators.)

german guy turns up dead, it’s basically made clear that the imam killed him in revenge, probably with some sort of help from gibbs. anyway, gibbs isn’t going to prosecute him for it. good ol’ american revenge! woo!!

what an insane triple-decker sandwich of competing impulses THIS was

[unqueenlybiscuits]

Ain't no pie like mah mather's chicken parm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  (IN GERMAN ACCENT) What's up? I'm Brüno.  (LAUGHING)  I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.No big deal. Whatever.  I am the host of Funkyzeit,  the most important TV fashion showin any German-speaking country,  apart from Germany.  Funkyzeit is über influential.  In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their livesaccording to my "In or Out" list.  In! Autism.  Aus. Chlamydia.  Why is autism so cool at the moment?  - Because it's funny.- Great.  BRÜNO: Through Funkyzeit,ich have done interviews  mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world.  Can you look into this camera and just say,  "You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brüno"?  You are watching Funkyzeit programmewith Brüno, and it's really a great show.  Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,even more like a kind of black guy?  You know, like an afrikanischer...  - Like this?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You are watchingFunkyzeit programme with Brüno.  Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle.  Something maybe a bit more crazy.  Maybe show a bit of skinor something like that.  - No, I don't think so.- Or what about just like one Kugelsack?  One of the balls?  No.  And the most excitingand amazing thing in the town,  from the fashion streets of Milan,only for the German girls, my great hairs.  Yo, man.  Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.  But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?  It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,and everyone's watching you,  so you have to make sure your walk is good.And, yeah.  Yeah, it's really hard,'cause you've gotta remember, like,  to put your right leg forwardand then put your left leg forward  and then, like, which one now?  Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.And then sometimes you even have to turn.  Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary.  BRÜNO: Being the host from Funkyzeit  means Brüno's alwaysseated on the front row.  Hi. How are you?  You have to lose some weight.  - The kettle is calling the pot black.- Oh, yeah?  Put your shoulders back.This is a fashion show, not a slave auction.  BRÜNO: Mein personal assistant,Kookus, is my rock.  He's also mein stylist.  - Do you think the glasses are too much?- Yeah, I'd lose them.  They're too much like, "Look at me.  "Hey, everybody, look at me.Look at my glasses."  - Yeah.- "Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."  BRÜNO: He's also my nutritionist.  (RETCHING)  Yeah, that is good.  BRÜNO: I have a second assistant,but ich can't remember its name.  Brüno has known true love twice in his life.  Once, for seven minutes with Millifrom Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever.  But for the last nine years,ich have been head über heels in love  mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.  We're just like an ordinary couple,you know, boring, stay-at-home types.  (GROANS)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  - Oh, my God. I feel it. You're getting so big.- (MOANING) Ja.  (LAUGHING)  DIESEL: Ooh!  - How much do you want?- Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly.  BRÜNO: In September 2008,I left for Milan Fashion Week  to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit.  Brüno had backstage access forthe hottest show of the week, de la Prada.  So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,a suit made entirely out of Velcro.  (PEOPLE CHATTERING)  I'm wearing this.  This is a prototype.It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms.  - Wow.- Pretty cool, right?  It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?  - Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.- Okay.  - Thank you.- Yeah. Okay...  - Also... Yeah.- Can you go out, please?  We'll get out, but don't push me.  Yeah. Okay, no listen.We haven't finished the thing.  - You go out now.- Yeah.  Yeah, wait a second.  Take... Get this off...  Stop!  (PEOPLE CLAMOURING)  - Thank you.- Can someone help this guy?  Can you take...  (CROWD MURMURING)  BRÜNO: Wait. Get me out of this.Get me out of this.  (CROWD BOOING)  BRÜNO: Brüno was aus.  For the second time in a century,  the world had turnedon Austria's greatest man  just because he was brave enoughto try something new.  - No.- Okay.  BRÜNO: Brüno was schwarz-listed.  - I'm on the front row.- I don't think so.  (MALE GUARD SPEAKING)  I'm sorry.  BRÜNO: Und worst of all...  Hello?  (MAN CHATTERS ON PHONE)  ...ich was fired from Funkyzeit.  Ich realised that night that the fashion worldwas superficial und vacuous.  So, I decided instead to go to Los Angelesto become a celebrity.  Ich was going to bethe biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.  What? I'm not coming.  - Why not?- Because you out. You humiliate me.  - I'm so sorry I humiliate you.- Okay. Gotta go.  Bye, baby, I love you.  Diesel, I love you. Diesel.  (BLOWING NOSE)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  BRÜNO: Ich arrived in LA  und cunningly avoidedbeing snapped by the waiting paparazzi.  BRÜNO: No photos, please.Do you want another Diana on your hands?  BRÜNO: Mein Plan was to become  the biggest gay movie starsince Schwarzenegger.  Maximum Santzgaut!  Also, ich headed to my first meetingmit a Hollywood über agent.  So my name's Brüno.I was born in Klagenfurt.  I'm 19 years old. And, of course,you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit.  Okay. Well, I understandthat you took a look at a side  that I wanted you to think aboutfrom the Jerry Maguire show.  And I wouldn't mindhearing you try that out.  Okay, great.  - "Jerry enters."- No.  - "Dorothy seated."- Just start with the word "hello."  "Hello. Hello.  "I'm looking for my wife!  - "Shut up, women." That was improvisation.- Fine.  "I couldn't hear your voiceor laugh about it with you."  (LAUGHING)  - All right, let me stop... Wait.- No, wait, wait. I...  Let me stop for two minutes.Let me stop you right there.  Nowhere in the script does it say  he pauses for an inordinate period of time.  You're here becauseyou are looking to do feature films.  I wanna be a star.  - In?- In a huge Hollywood movie.  - Can you make that happen?- No.  - What?- I definitely cannot.  BRÜNO: But he did get me a starring rolein a top TVshow as an extra.  DIRECTOR 1: All right, picture's next.Last looks, please.  (SIGHS)  CREW MEMBER: Set.  DIRECTOR 1: Background.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  (BRÜNO CLICKING TONGUE)  The defendant, as you know,  has served our municipalityfor more than 12 years as city controller.  So I was pained to learn that his debts  compelled him to accepthundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- (WHISPERING) Just do a little bit less.  - More or less?- Less.  - Less. Okay.- Yeah.  (WHISPERING) Sure. Thank you.  (CLEARS THROAT)  CREW MEMBER: Set.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  As you know, the defendant hasserved our municipality as city controller  for more than 12 years,  and I have known him personallyfor most of that time.  So I was very pained to learn that  his personal debtscompelled him to accept bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- Here, I'll take that.  - Okay.- Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Sorry.  DIRECTOR 1: Should we just go again?DIRECTOR 2: Okay.  (SIGHS)  As you know, the defendant  has served this municipalityas city controller for more than 12 years,  and I have personally known himfor most of that time.  That is why I was very pained to learn...  Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.Could we go again?  This way.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  You were actually my second choice.  I was going to go to the salon that maintainsSalma Hayek's inner thighs,  but the team that do it were booked upfor the next four days  because she's got the Elle Style Awards.  And they said they're, like, really,really exhausted after they do her.  They're exhaustedafter they wax Salma Hayek?  She must have a lot of hair.  They say that after a waxing,there's enough to stuff a mattress.  Well. Speaking of rectums,let's get you clean.  - Okay. There we go.- There's not much.  Yeah, sure.  (RIPS)  There you go. Now there's wax in there.  (CELL PHONE RINGING)  Telephone.  - Hello?- Hey, how you doing, man?  Lloyd, hi. How are you?  I just got off the phone with the network.They've agreed to do a screening.  Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut!  In two days. I got them to payfor a focus group for the show.  I think you just scraped my anus.  WAXER: I did. I got you clean.  BRÜNO: My stinker is slightly burning.Is that normal?  What?  No, that was to the lady who is...I'm in the salon, yes.  She's just washing my Arschwitz.  LLO YD: Is there any way we can getsomething together enough to put it on?  - Okay, sure.- All right. I'm gonna call them right now.  Are you using Vaseline?  WAXER: No, lotion.  BRÜNO: Could you take your fingerout of my Arschenholer?  All right. I think, guys, we're finished.  Once again, "Can you take my finger,your finger out of my ass,"  is what the guy just said on the phone.  No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.I was just talking to the woman here.  Who's got the audio?  I want to hear the audio back.I want you to hear...  I want you to hear what this fool is saying.  Play it back. Talking about what?His asshole.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HUSHING IN GERMAN)  Can you be quiet?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?  Do any of you guyswant to make some more money?  (WHISTLES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - Hi. How are you?- Hi.  - I'm Brüno. Great to have you here.- It's nice to meet you.  Come and sit on our great furniture.  These are our Mexican chair people.  Demi Moore has two of them in her house.  Yeah, if you sit here.  If you sit on that one.  Also, so tell me aboutyour humanitarian work.  How important is it for youto help other people?  It's like the air that I breatheand the water that I drink.  - Please, have some water.- It is extremely, extremely important for me.  You give love to other peopleand you get love back in spades.  And I just feel like that's been my life.  Great. You must be hungry.Let's bring in some food.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Have some.ABDUL: Yeah, this is really bad for me.  I'm sorry. This is really not good.  We're leaving.  BRÜNO: Come back, please.Can you please come back?  LUTZ: Yes, yes, I understand.But I was thinking...  Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay.  Yes. Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SIGHS) Minimum Santzgaut.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Puffy Vater?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Reese Witterspinzel?  Stevie Wunderbar?  Wilhelm Schmidt?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Bradolf Pittler?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  I think this focus group is really gonna be  a very interesting exampleof how it's gonna play out.  I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Very good. Very good.- Yes.  So, you probably already know, todaywe're going to be looking at a new TV show,  A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brüno.  - Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.- Lloyd, Denny Bond.  Hi. Hi. Great.  Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spokesince the other day  when I was getting my anus bleached.  (ALL LAUGHING)  We won't go there, please.  - We won't go there. Yeah.- That was a very  difficult issue on the phone.  And it's very importantwhat scores you give it,  because if the show scores over an 85º%,  the network's obviouslygonna be very interested. So take a look.  - Absolutely.- Congratulations.  BRÜNO ON TV: Who's ready to max outwith loads of celebrities? I am.  Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)  - BRÜNO ON TV: How are you?- Great. Thank you for having me.  Okay, so this is the part of the show,  it's called Future Kinder.People who are pregnant,  we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.  - It's totally great.- Okay.  - What's her name?- Jamie Lynn.  Jamie Lynn Spears.I mean, is she a celebrity?  No.  (LAUGHING)  Okay, let's seewhat she's got in her stomach.  All right. What do you think there?Is that a white-trash foetus?  Yeah. Totally.  She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.  Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.Am I right?  Worse. I think, like, D.  Do you think this kid is retarded?  Definitely the hands look way too big,  and the ears, like,have not been developed yet.  - Yeah, so keep it or abort it?- Abort it.  (SIGHS)  Und now, my exclusive interviewmit Harrison Ford  is only moments away.But first, some more dancing mit Brüno.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's right.It's the time you've all been waiting for.  It's my one-on-one,exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.- Fuck off!  (LAUGHING)  What's that?  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's actually mine.  - More champagne?- No, I'm fine, thanks.  Brüno!  The end bit was Lloyd's idea.  The last bit was? Lloyd's?  So if you coulddescribe this show in one sentence...  Can anybody give me one sentence?  - Go ahead.- The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.  There's always one who's against it. Those...  In any group, there's always one.  What sick human being came upwith something like this?  Well, there's always two.There's always two.  I wanted to poke my eyes outwith hot needles.  You'd have to borrow the needles from me.  Lloyd, we need to distract him  - from listening to this.- You can't. You can't.  - We need to distract him.- You can't.  - Kiss me.- No.  No logical personwould consider a show like this  unless they hadsome sort of a mental or moral defect.  WOMAN: Everything.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Let me have a look at those.  "The host is a talentless idiot."  Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?  - I would say that it is.- MAN: Yeah, yeah.  Please, where you going?  Please, this is my career.I put all my money into this.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul,  who was the 2008 presidential candidate.  So tell me, who are you wearing?  Well, I don't even knowbecause it's pretty conventional.  And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.  But the message is not ordinary.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  Sure.  - Do you want some champagne?- I don't care for any. No.  There's no ice bucket,but I know a good place to put it.  (LAUGHS)  Yeah, you were great in there.Have you done a lot of television before?  Well, off and on throughout the years.This last year, a tremendous amount.  - Sure.- I do a lot of them.  Do you want some strawberries  - or maybe some oysters?- No, I'm okay.  I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.  Really loosens you up.  Has anyone ever told youyou look like Enrique Iglesias?  Of course not. You're much cuter.  (LAUGHS)  I love music.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYINGON STEREO)  And dancing. I used to be a dancer.  (CLEARS THROAT)  Whoops.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - All right! Get out of here!- What?  - All right, this has ended.- BRÜNO: What's going on?  PAUL: That guy is queerer than the blazes.He took his clothes off. Let's get going.  - WOMAN: What happened?- He's queer. He's crazy.  He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.  BRÜNO: I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.  How would I become weltfamous?  Ich decided to seek advicefrom the wisest guy I'd ever known.  I wanna speak to Milli  from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.  Is he in heaven?And if so, is he in the VIP section there?  He says he's in a placewith green trees and flowers.  Can I ask him if he has any advice for me?  (EXHALES)  He says there's some sort of thing that youwill set up, like a foundation or something,  where there will be other people involvedthat will benefit.  Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,then I'll definitely become world famous.  Absolutely.  There's something that he could dothat could make me incredibly happy.  - Can I kiss him now?- Of course.  (SPITS)  (MUMBLING)  (SNORTS)  (GAGGING)  (GROANING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (PANTS)  Well, good luck with your life.  BRÜNO: Thanks to Milli,ich could now see clearly  despite having an eyeful of Schpunken.  Charity was a great way to become famous.  Also, Brüno just needed to findthe hottest world tragedy to fix.  I want a charity that doesn't involvetoo much effort,  but is gonna really make a difference,you know, really put me into the A-list.  Is there something that you, like,that you believe in?  Well, I'm really into issues.  Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse.  - So...- Great.  Now, I think that would be...That's something to get involved now,  so, we can just help ease the...  Like, after us, in order to help for our future.  In order for everyone... It's justa beneficial thing to be involved with now.  I'm really into doing somethingmaybe for Africa.  - Okay.- Is that still cool or...  Saving some kind of extinct animal.What's going extinct right now?  - I don't know, like elephants or something.- And then make bracelets?  That's so bad. Never mind.I was gonna say make bracelets out of a...  Make bracelets out of the extinct animal?  That's not gonna really work though,because you need the...  You can't take from the extinct animal.  What's the coolest type of charityto get into at the moment?  Save Dafar?  - Save what?- Save Dafar.  - Save Dafar, yeah.- Angelina Jolie.  Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that?  Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah.  Yeah.  Is there anywhere in the worldthat no celebrity has tried to fix?  Darfur is the big one now.  - Yeah, no, it is.- What's the new one? What's Dar-five?  - Yeah.- Yeah.  BRÜNO: Ich was going to become famousby solving a world problem.  But which one?  Clooney's got Darfur.  Sting's got the Amazon,and Bono's got AIDS.  Luckily, there was still one shitholeleft to fix,  the Middle-earth.  Mein Plan was to get both sides to signa peace deal in front of the world's press,  making Brüno über famous.  Hi, I love your hat. It's great.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING SPANISH)  Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs?  (MAN YELLING)  BRÜNO: Lutz! Lutz! Start the car!  Lutz!  Why are you so anti-hummus?  I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy?  You're confusing Hamaswith hummus, I believe.  - Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.- Do you think  there is a relationbetween Hamas and hummus?  So was the founder of Hamas a chef?  He had created the foodand then got lots of followers.  Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it.  It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans.  Well, do you both agree on that?  We both agree that hummus is very healthy.  So we're making progress.  Let's try and get a solution, right?  'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.Will you, the Palestinians,  agree to give the pyramids backto the Israelis?  This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine.  I don't care where you put them.Give them back.  This is about gaining somethingfor your own people  whether you believe it,whether you were convinced to do that.  - But in any case...- All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend.  - All right.- SELA: Civil rights...  BRÜNO: If I did not get these queens to signa peace deal soon,  I would not become famous.  So I decided to think outsidethe Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung.  I've written a song that I thinkis gonna help us make peace.  In fact, I know it will.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  (SINGING) I've written a song  that I hope is gonna bring you two together  It's time for this war to end  Jews and Hindus, you be friends  This is the Middle East  Creating love is my mission  Don't kill each other  Shoot a Christian  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Yeah, a bit more than that.  BRÜNO: Ich was out of options.  My song hadn't worked, und I didn't haveenough ecstasy for everyone.  Ich was ready to give upwhen I suddenly remembered something  that the Jude had said.  SELA: In the last few years,people were kidnapped,  and then they wouldbroadcast it to the whole world.  - To the whole world?- Yeah.  So what, the whole world gets to see  - these hostage videos?- Of course. Of course.  BRÜNO: Ich would become famousby getting kidnapped.  I am going to say somethingthat is gonna get you so angry  that if you've got a gun on you,you're gonna pull it out  - and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?- Yeah.  Your hair is sun damaged.  (MALE TRANSLATORSPEAKING ARABIC)  I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous.  And I want the best guys in the businessto kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001.  I don't like.  Can I give you guys a word of advice?  Lose the beards, because your King Osama  looks like a kind of dirty wizardor a homeless Santa.  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING ARABIC)  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  TRANSLATOR: Get out. Get out now.  BRÜNO: Ich was encouragedto leave the Middle East.  But Brüno had a new plan.  It involved stopping off in Africa  on the way home for a little bit of shopping.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Mein little afrikanischerFreund was going to get me  on the cover of every magazine.  Also, ich hired a top photographer  und held a casting forthe hottest baby photo shoot ever.  (CAMERA CLICKING)  We're gonna do like this religious theme  where my baby is gonna beon a crucifix playing Jesus  even though my baby's black.So it's pretty cool, no?  That's cool.It's kind of like that Madonna video.  Yeah, it's really edgy.You know, we're turning it on its head.  Why not? Come on. Whatever.  So. We're looking for two thievesto be on the crucifixes next to my baby.  Would you be ready for your babyto be strung up on a crucifix next to mine?  Fine. Yeah, I don't mind herbeing up on a crucifix.  Sure.  Is your baby comfortable with bees,wasps and hornets?  George is comfortable with everything.He's fine.  Is he comfortable with deador dying animals?  Yes.  Great.  Amateur science?  What do you mean by that?  You know, some untrained peopleconducting scientific experiments.  - Should be fine.- You know,  her mixing the pots of acid and that type...  - Okay.- And so it's a yes.  - Yes.- Great.  Is she okay withextremely rapid acceleration?  (LAUGHING) Yes.  - Okay.- Yes.  Does she always have to be in a car seat,or can she just, like, freestyle it?  Yeah. You can freestyle it,put her in a car seat. Whatever.  If it looks better without the car seat...  Of course. Of course.  So what? You're travelling fast.You're not gonna kill it.  Of course. Of course.  Is your baby finewith antiquated heavy machinery?  Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that.  Would she be fine to operate them?  - Yes.- Great.  Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus?  Yes.  Excellent. Does he like it?  - Loves it.- Good.  A little sensitive subject here.How much does she weigh?  She's about 30 pounds.  - Thirty pounds.- Yes. Approximately.  Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?  In the next week, seven days.  Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.  If there's a problem losing the weight,  would you be ready to have Oliviaundergo liposuction?  If that was a last resortand she didn't lose the few pounds,  then, yeah, we'd have to do that.  Great. Fantastisch news.  We have chosen your babyto be dressed as a Nazi officer  pushing a wheelbarrow with another babyas a Jew in it into an oven.  Into an oven?  Congratulations. How do you feel?  - Great, if she got the job. That's great.- Yeah.  (SINGING LULLABY IN GERMAN)  (BOTH SINGING IN GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  O.J., you're going to be on television.  (RAP MUSIC PLAYINGON HEADPHONES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HONKS)  Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey.  Now, our next guest is a single parent.Please welcome Brüno.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  Where are you from?  I'm from Austria.  Austria. And what are your impressionsof the American people?  You see a lot of them out here.  I gotta say, I love American people,and I love African-American people.  You're the best. You guys are the best.  All right, all right.Now, you are a single parent.  - Yeah.- Most people think that a child  should have two parents.  It is, like, really difficult, you know,  bringing up a child without another parent.Am I right?  - Right.- Right.  I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.Am I right?  WOMAN 1: True that. True that.  I'm hoping that I find Mr Right. Am I right?  - No!- No!  WOMAN 2: No, no, no, no, no.  Well, honey, you need to get it together.Sugar, you're lost and confused.  - BEY: All right, now...- Listen, you're just jealous  'cause you know I can get any guy here.  WOMAN 3: Go get them!  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: You brought your son here today?  - BRÜNO: That's right.- Can we see your son?  Yeah, sure.  MAN: No. No.  BEY: All right, this is...  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  - What?- Where did they allow you  to get your baby from?Is your baby from Australia?  I was in the Middle East, like,solving the crisis there.  No big deal. Whatever.  And I flew back here to America,  und I stopped over in this countrycalled Africa, right?  Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.Get it right.  Well, it is full of African-Americans.  It's full of Africans.It's full of people of African descent.  No. That's a racist thing to call them.African-Americans is the right word.  No. African-Americans are here.  (AUDIENCE DISAGREEING)  No, they're calledAfrican-Americans, girlfriend.  No, fool.  BEY: All right. So how did you find your son?  I swapped him.  WOMAN 1: You swapped him?WOMAN 2: What?  (AUDIENCE CHATTERING)  Swapped the baby for what?  - For an iPod.- What?  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Not just any iPod.  One that was, like, limited edition, red.A U2 iPod. Heard of it?  BEY: All right, but wait a second.You are the baby's father now.  And you chose to dress that baby upin a T-shirt that says what?  Gayby.  That's not the baby's name, is it?  No. I gave him, like,a traditional African name.  So what's the baby's name?  O.J.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: Stand up, please.  I think you're using him as an accessory.  I think maybe because he's a black babythat might be your cue,  like how some people walk in the parkwith dogs to pick up girls,  that might be your cueto get maybe a down-low brother.  I don't know. What do you think?  I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  You brought some photographsthat you took with the child because...  I guess to demonstratehow much you love the child.  We're going to put them up on this screen.  That's the first shot.  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Let's see the next picture.  You're gonna burn in hell for that one.  That's some mess.  All right. Do we have another photo,or is that the last one?  There we go.  What is going on here?  If I'm having fun,I want little O.J. to come with me.  I want him to have fun with me.  BEY: Hold on. Hold on. What's that?  - What is that?- BRÜNO: Someone's scared.  - BEY: You're making the audience leave.- They are scared of the truth.  Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead.  Listen, I don't see how you can even walkout of here with that baby in your hands  without someone stopping youand taking that baby out of your possession.  All right, well, you know,there is a finale to this talk show.  Please welcome Shatonya Migginsfrom the State Child Services Department.  Take the baby.  What would be the opinion,the legal opinion of the state,  which is empowered to look after childrenand their welfare?  This child is here illegally.  No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.  And at this time, we're taking the childinto protective custody.  - You are not doing that. You're not taking...- MIGGINS: The child is going...  Get off me. That is my baby.  Give him back! Give me my baby back!  Give me my baby! Give him back!  Come on! Back!  Give me my baby back!  O. J! Give me my baby! Give me my...  Give me my baby! O. J!  O. J!  O. J! Give me my baby back!  You want some pie today?  Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,  since I was, you know, four years old.  - Since you was four?- Yeah.  Is that your boy? He's pretty.  BRÜNO: That was my boy.He got taken away today.  I'm so sorry. Gosh. What is he, about two?  I think he was about, I don't know, six or...  - Was he? Was he about that age?- I don't know.  He could've been a midget.So he could have been 10.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ LAUGHS)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (ALARM CLOCK RINGING)  Good morning, cowboy. What's your name?  (MUFFLED) Lutz.  (SCREAMING)  (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (MUMBLES)  (BRÜNO YELLING)  BRÜNO: Get that out of my face.  Move that out of my... No, Lutz.  Hello? Engineering.  Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.  But can I assure you,the toilet is absolutely spotless.  Can you look?The key, I think, is over there, just...  No, I can't do this.  Yeah, Brian, I need you up hereon 20 immediately.  Well, no, it's two guyshandcuffed together on a bed.  And there's some contraptionwith a dildo on the end of it.  And they're asking...They've been staying at the hotel for a while  and wanted to know if I can get the keyfor them because they can't get out of bed.  I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.  (KNOCKING ON DOOR)  BRÜNO: Come in.MANAGER: Can you tell me what's going on?  You were not meant to see this.You find the key, I can get out of this.  Now, can you just look under that shelf...  No. This is not what wassupposed to be going on in here.  You're telling me, honey.  I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegianwith a PhD in sucking dick.  That's not my concern.  Okay, well, listen, one other thing.  Can you switch off the television?Because I made a fart,  and I am on the verge of buyingMr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  That's unfortunate.  No, but I refuse to payfor Mr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  I did not press it.  No, I'm afraid we are notgonna be doing that.  Hey, listen, you. What's your name?Hi. What's your name?  - No, don't even talk to me.- You're cute.  You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti.  - Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.- Hey, girlfriend.  (POP MUSIC PLAYING)  Also, great. Maybe they can let us out.  Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.Hello? Can you unlock us?  Please, can you unlock us?  Please. My assistant's about to shiton my balls.  (SIREN WAILING)  What's going on here?  BRÜNO: What does it look like, Paul Blart?  Brüno.  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXHALES)  Brüno.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (THUNDER RUMBLING)  BRÜNO: Ich was at a low point.Brüno had hit rock Arsch.  Lutz had gone, und ich had onlynine Freunds left on MeinSpace.  Lutz! Lutz!  (WHIMPERING)  (YELLS)  BRÜNO: I was about to give upon my dream of celebrity,  when suddenly it hit me.  All the most famous stars in the world,  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,they all had one thing in common.  They were all straight.  To become famous,I would have to quit guys.  Ich just needed to finda cock-aholics anonymous.  Things have got to change.I want to become straight.  - Awesome.- Once I'm straight,  can I still play the clarinet?  If it doesn't remind youabout some of the behaviour  that you engaged inwhen you put your lips around it.  If it doesn't remind you of that,then I say go for it  and play the clarinetwith everything inside of you.  If it does remind you of that,then I say put it down,  give it away, let a friend hold ituntil you know in your mind  you're ready to pick it up againand it wouldn't remind you of that.  Und what about ifI put a flute up my stinker?  That... I wouldn't do that either because itwould remind you of the former lifestyle.  So you don't put any woodwindinstruments up your Arschwitz.  - Absolutely not. You know why?- Why?  Because that would harm my body.That would hurt...  - Only if you lose the reed.- Okay.  Well, that would... That would be bad.  Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?Any bands?  Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls.  Of course, the Village People.  When I become straight,you know, a Kuntmeister,  are there any new hobbiesthat I should take up?  - Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?- Sure.  Man, there's nothing like just working out  and lifting weightsand building your muscles  around some other men who are not gay.  I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.They see me und they want to schtupp me.  - Right.- So how do I protect against those guys?  If they get close to you,hit them and leave the situation.  How do you spot the homosexual?  Very hard to do.  Because some of them don't even dressno different than myself or you.  - Amazing.- You know?  It's kind of like terrorists.  If a terrorist has infiltrateda police department  and he dresses like the policemen,how would you know that's him?  What are obvious thingsthat we can look for?  Obvious is a person that's beingextremely nice to them to start with.  So if someone approaches you in the streetund is being very, very nice to you,  you know that they are a homosexual?  Most likely.  How should I protect myselffrom being attacked by homosexuals?  They probably would attack from behind.  So, again, if I am a homosexual,  and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...  - Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.- Right.  Let's say the homosexualhas got you on the ground.  Okay.  Und the homosexual, you know,has got you down here.  - Right.- I go to pull this down.  - I want to lock this, lock this leg here.- Touching.  - Yeah.- Hit with the elbow.  Boom. As I roll across.  How do you protect yourself from a dildo?  So let's say I'm trying...  Here, you know.  Like that. You know?  Und disarm the dildo?  Yes.  Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?  - No.- Great.  One is just as easy as the otherto defend against.  - So, I'm attacking.- Boom.  - Like that.- Let's say I go down and I...  Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows.  How do you defend yourselfagainst the man with two dildos?  Coming in. Here. Boom.  Depending on his range. Boom.Then to his face. Boom.  Okay? Kick around, boom.  (PANTING)  He can't do nothing from there.  And if he's just runningwith his pants down?  Here. Boom. And then to the eyes.  - Homosexual attacking your bum.- Leg here.  And then come in and break his arm.Take it here, take him out.  Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.Break his arms.  Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch.  - Okay.- It's very useful.  That's just totally different thanwhat I've ever tried to, you know, work with.  So you were never gay?  It's ironic that you should haveamazing blow job lips.  Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus.  No, they were made for something else,but you're just not using it for them.  Well...  Are there any activities you suggest  where I'll be surroundedjust by straight guys?  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  LEADER: Let's go! Let's go!ALL: Let's go! Let's go!  (ALL EXCLAIMING)  - Push ups! Sit ups!- Push ups! Sit ups!  - Hurry up. Get in here.- Was?  Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed.  But do you have something,maybe a double...  Make the bed!  Could you hold the sheet over there?  I'm not holding anything.  - Get down. Get down.- Was?  I said, get down! Do push ups.  This line right here isa line that you don't cross.  This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's...  You're in it again. This is my alley.  I don't want to be in your alley.  Yeah, well, get out of it.Your finger's in my alley.  Not yet.  By the way, where's your uniform?Go get your uniform on.  Do it!  Oh, my gosh.  What's up with the scarf?  That is, like, it's my own thing.  Let me introduce you to somebody.Captain Miles.  Candidate, what are you doing?  Stand at the position of attention, candidate.  - Do it! Do it!- Head and eyes straight forward, candidate.  Head and eyes straight forward.Stand still, candidate.  That is not part of the uniform, candidate.You need to take that off.  This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,  and so I was just trying to break it upwith some simple horizontal lines.  Do you have an attitude, candidate?Do we detect an attitude?  - Sir, she's got an attitude.- MILES: What?  Sir Officer Candidate,did you just call me "she"?  - Get down, candidate! Now!- Do it!  What type belt is that, candidate?  What is that?  - D&G.- What is D&G?  Dolce und Gabbana. Hello?  - "Hello"?- "Hello"?  - Front in the rest position.- Get down, you!  Sir Officer Candidate,you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.  What are you talking...What are you trying to say, candidate?  Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a generalin the Bitch Army the way you're going.  - Did you use profanity again?- Did you use profanity?  But you're being really nasty.  The OC guide states that I will notuse profanity while I'm at OCS.  Yes, mein Führer. Yes, Officer Candidate.  OFFICER: Hurry up!MAN 1: Hurry up! Let's go!  MAN 2: Yeah, this is mine.MILES: You better help your buddy.  (ALL SHOUTING)  Get out of my TAC Alley.  Get out of my TAC Alley.  - Hurry up! Hurry up!- OFFICER: Move over there!  (ALL YELLING)  (HIGH-PITCHED YELLING)  - Salute!- Salute with your right hand.  OFFICER: Salute with your right hand.  - That's not a salute.- That's not a salute.  OFFICER: That's not a salute.  Can I tell you about the personthat changed my life?  Was it Karl Lagerfeld?  No, actually, his name is Jesus.Jesus is in this room right now.  He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.He's here.  (WHISPERS) Amazing.  That's exactly right. He's amazing.  You want to be famous.You'll be one that's so famous, Brüno,  you will prepare the wayfor other young men all over the world  who want to come out of the homosexuallifestyle and make a change in their lives.  And they'll say, "If Brüno can do it,then I can do it.  "How did he change?How did you change, Brüno?"  And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me."  But he wants to come intoyour heart right now.  Are you ready to make that change?  Are you hitting on me?  No, I'm not.  Okay, good, 'cause I just...That was, like, really hot, that whole speech.  Are there any outdoor activities  that I should doif I want to become straight?  Absolutely.  - Hi.- Hello.  - Mike. Brüno.- Brüno.  Hey. Great.  - I'm Donny.- Brüno.  Robert.  - You ever been hunting?- BRÜNO: I've never killed an animal.  Although, I did oncesuffocate a hamster in Mykonos.  The women, eh? Do you prefer the vaginaor the mammary glands?  - I prefer the vagina.- BRÜNO: Me, too.  I love a woman with a vagina.  Yeah.  My favourite.  Didn't see anything.  We were just talking about vaginas.  About what?  Vaginas. The woman's vagina.  Sharing storiesand saying how much we enjoy them.  Yes.  Really fantastisch.  Really wonderful things.  It's my favourite.  (BRÜNO SCREAMS)  This is wonderful.  This is what rabbit look like.  Look at the four of us.We are so like the Sex and the City girls.  No, we aren't, either.  Which one are you, Donny?  I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny.  That is such a Samantha thing to say.  BRÜNO: I've never beenout of the city before.  You haven't? How's it feel?  I feel a bit vulnerable.  You know, I'm 19 years old,I've got a perfect body.  You know, I really don't want to wake uptomorrow morning und find  that I'm torn in my Arschenholer.  You probably ain't the only one.  Me, either, definitely.  Wow, there's so many stars in the sky.  Full of them.  Makes you think ofall the hot guys in the world.  Do we all share one tentor what's more sensible?  I hope not.  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  All right, God damn it.  BRÜNO: Reverend BJ found metoo much of a handful  and put me in touch with one of his chums.  You look decent in that.  Look like a straight guy, how's that?  (LAUGHS)  Women are good for us.  They're good even though  they appear to usto be terribly conventional.  And we find that somewhat irritating  that they complain so much.  - Right.- But we need that.  We need many of the things  that, at first glance,are annoying and irritating.  And women often don't stick to the point.  They're often talking about one thingand then another and then another,  and they never get back to the first pointmaybe ever.  I am repulsed by the ideaof making the sex with a woman.  The important thing is to be around women,  somewhat, that you find tolerableor interesting  and give them a chance to seduce you.  (DOORBELL RINGS)  How did you get into it?  We, actually, our first time was on our...  (ALL LAUGHING)  - Our honeymoon.- Yeah.  Of all nights for us to swing,the first time was for our honeymoon.  Und what is your favourite position?  That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.  What's reverse cowgirl?  Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman.  Like, I'm sitting here, and...  Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...Don't worry. Yeah, so what?  You'd be sitting like that,  - and that's called reverse cowgirl.- Right. Right.  And then when you're facing me,that's called cowgirl.  This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl?  This is cowgirl.  And then when you're turnedthe opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.  Und what other positions are there?  - Power driver.- Right.  Sixty-nine.  But this is the girl's position.  (INHALES DEEPLY)  You don't want to be like thisif you're a guy.  There's missionary, doggy style.  So what's doggy style like?  You'd be bent over, like a dog does it.  Yeah. Like that?  All right,and then what would you be doing?  If you was a woman,I would be humping you.  - No, show me.- (LAUGHING) I'm not gonna show you.  - You're a man.- Don't be a faggot.  (CHUCKLING) Come on. What's the big deal?It's just a couple of guys.  I'd be humping you like that.  Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman.  (LAUGHS)  (WOMAN MOANING)  Anybody want a sandwich or something?  (MOANING)  Yeah. Great.  Very good. You've got great hair actually.  - Thank you.- Yeah.  (EXHALES) That was great.  - Oh, yeah.- Good boy.  (WOMAN MOANING)  Fuck, yeah.  You're doing a great job.  Thank you.  Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes.  Look me in the eye. You can do this.  (LAUGHS)  Dude.  (MAN LAUGHING)  Why would he look you in the eyeswhen he's looking at a pussy?  - Why would he look you in the eyes?- No, no. Just for concentration.  - He does not look in a guy's...- I don't need you for concentration, okay?  - Look her in the eye.- This is a fucking swingers party. Okay?  If you don't want pussy,if you don't want fucking...  - No, I want...- Then quit fucking touching me  and quit telling meto look at you in the eye. Okay?  I didn't come herefor no fucking queer shit. Okay?  - Me, neither.- Okay.  - Let's keep it at that then.- Cool.  This is a fucking swingers party.Right, guys?  JACK: I see what the fuck you're doing, dude.  - Hi.- JACK: Did he not try to pull  - that queer shit on you out there?- Hi. How you doing?  JACK: I don't need this motherfuckertouching me on the back,  telling me to look himin the fucking eye. Right?  - I was just going to the kitchen.- I know, yeah. Come on.  What's this shit? Let's take this off.  Let's maybe we getto know each other a little.  - I think you broke that, actually.- I don't give a fuck.  Yeah, there is...Let's get to know each other a little bit first.  (EXCLAIMS)  Know each other? What?  You must produce a lot of milk.  I don't want you to do somethingthat you'll regret.  You wake up tomorrow, you've lostyour virginity, and you feel ashamed.  You know, let's take this a little slower.  - We should reschedule.- Sit the fuck down.  Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around!  No, let's do this the right way.  (BOTH EXHALE)  I go, and I sit down with your father,we talk about this.  - lf he gives his permission...- What?  Would you quit being a little bitch here  and take your little briefs offbefore I fucking rip them?  Wait. Yes.  - Yeah.- Fine.  - Thanks.- Okay. Great.  I don't like this little shit.  Yes, well, I want to really makethis heterosexual sex.  It's going to be fantastisch!  Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now!  (WHOOPS)  - Don't... You fold them.- (EXCLAIMS) Fuck.  You gotta fold that neatly.You don't treat suede like that. It stains.  Sit the fuck down. Take it off!  I've got an idea.Let's play a little bit of dress-up here.  It will be erotisch.  What is this?You gonna dress me like a man?  No, it's just a beard.  - Am I supposed to wear a beard?- It's just a...  Come on, it will be fun.  I don't need a beard.  Take it off! Now!  Once you put the...  (EXCLAIMING)  - Fuck! Take it off.- Okay. I'm...  - Okay, I'm going to do this.- Right now!  Get on your fucking kneesand suck my spike here, bitch.  Okay. Help!  Don't fuck around!  BRÜNO: Don't call me gay!  I'm gonna become straight.I'm gonna become über straight.  I'm gonna be the straightest manwho's ever lived.  Und then I'll be famous.You'll see. You'll see.  (DISTANT CHEERING)  (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  What's up, Arkansas?How's everybody doing?  You guys ready to seea little ass kicking tonight?  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Make some noise, everybody.Put your hands together. Make some noise  for the host of the brand-new TVshow,Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout.  Give it up for Straight Dave!  (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)  Straight Dave. Straight Dave.  (CHEERING)  (SHOUTING)  Are you ready forsome man-slamming action?  Who's ready foran old-fashioned heterofest?  Are you 100% hetero like me?  Who out there is proud to be straight?  Let me hear you say straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  Straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  I am so straightthat when I bought my house,  the first thing I didwas brick up the back door.  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  You know why?Because my asshole's just for shitting.  Let me hear you say that.  - My asshole's just for shitting.- My asshole's just for shitting.  It's great to have an eveningwith straight people.  It's great not to have any fags here.  MAN: You're a faggot!  Who called me a faggot?  Whoever called me a faggot come up here,and I'll beat your Arsch.  Who called Straight Dave a faggot?Come up here.  Let him in.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass?  Who wants me to beat this...  Fuck him up!  Get him, motherfucker!  (BOTH GRUNTING)  Beat his fucking ass!  Kick his ass!  (SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)  (INAUDIBLE)  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Fucking fag!  - Homo! Queer fags!- Motherfuckers!  (EXCLAIMING)  Stop! Stop!  Get out of my town. You all are sick.  Tell him we don't have no faggots herein Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else.  You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker!  (SHOUTING)  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  (SPEAKING MANDARIN)  BRÜNO: The footage went everywhere,und Brüno became über famous.  (CHATTERING)  As for Lutz,we decided to get married in California.  But because of the law,we had to be a bit inventive.  I feel this is the biggest stepyou'll ever make in your lifetime.  - It's a very big moment.- That's right.  Am I going to be able to meet herbefore we actually start?  Sure.  I... I don't marry two men or two women.  If she's a man,then how did it give birth to our son?  You gave birth to a little black child?  (IN FALSETTO) Yes.  When did you have the baby?  I don't even know whyI'm asking that question.  BRÜNO: But even thoughmarriage was a nicht-nicht,  we weren't gonna let it get us down.  We were happy. We had each other.  And we had O.J. back,  although he did cost us a MacBook Pro.  Plus, ich was now so famous  that I was able to recordmein very own charity video.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  I've written a song  that I hope is gonnabring the world together  Put down your guns and bombs  and just make love forever  Okay, then.  He's come to heal the world  and make all nations calmer  I am the Austrian Jesus  He is the white Obama  He's the white Obama  War's just based on hate and fear  Stop fighting, North and South Korea  You're both basically Chinese  And he's Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, yo, Brüno, where the bitches at?  BO TH: You are Brüno, dove of peace  SNOOP DOGG: You do it, fashion modelYou got the cute hos  ALL: You are Brüno, dove of peace  (SNIFFS)  You know, I love black guys.I'm a chocoholic.  ALL: Du bist Brüno, dove of peace  Brüno wants peace.  Either we gonna have peace,or we gonna have motherfucking war.  I have a dream for the Third World  Clean water, food and teaching  In every village and every town  a place for anal bleaching  We need to rid the world of hunger  I'm like Bono, except much younger  He's only  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, hey, he gay, he gay  Okay.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

dont mess with the zohan

Special thanks to

SergeiK

.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Home Edition 4/7/20 – ENDINGS BEGINNINGS, ABE and More (Sorry. No MY SPY.)

Boooooo … this week would have been when the Tribeca Film Festival was supposed to start, but I barely had a chance to go through the movies that were gonna play there when COVID-19 hit, and it was quickly cancelled. Apparently, they’re doing some sort of online festival this week, but apparently, they decided to wait until Friday afternoon to tell press who had already applied that they needed to reapply by Monday morning. If you didn’t receive or see this important Email, and I didn’t, then you were basically fucked in terms of covering the festival. That being said, this will be only the second time in 17 years that I didn’t cover Tribeca, and since they won’t even respond to Emails trying to fix this, I guess that means we’re done here. 

This was also the week when, at one point, Universal/DreamWorks Animation’s Trolls World Tour was supposed to open but I saw it last week via screener and liked it more than the first movie. I tweeted about it here:

https://twitter.com/EDouglasWW/status/1248685996612489217

Of course, STX’s My Spy was gonna open this weekend after many delays and that now will be streaming on Amazon instead, so that’s just the way things seem to be going. Who knows when any of us will have any sort of box office to report on, especially with AMC filing for bankruptcy and possibly not making it until studios decide to release movies theatrically again? (The earliest possibility seems to be July at this point.)

This week’s Featured Movie is Drake Doremus’ new film ENDINGS, BEGINNINGS (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Shailene Woodley, who is quite fantastic as Daphne, a thirty-something L.A. woman – and honestly, having interviewed Woodley for Alexander Payne’s The Descendants, I have just as hard a time fathoming that she’s even closer to her 30s as I did believing 34-year-old Alexandra Daddario as someone in her 20s in last week’s We Summon the Darkness. Regardless, Daphne is trying to get over a heartbreaking break-up with a man who was also her boss, and she quickly gets into relationships with two men, Jack and Frank, played by Jamie Dornan and Sebastian Stan, who also happen to be friends, creating a tough love triangle.

The fact that Doremus opened this film with the Cocteau Twins was a good sign, and I do have to say that the music throughout the film is fantastic, but really, it’s more about Woodley and the fact that Doremus is returning to a more improvised style of filmmaking ala his earlier film, Like Crazy, which was one of my favorites. I do think that Woodley’s talent elevates her performance well above her male co-stars, who at times, frankly, I couldn’t keep track of which was which. (Dornan’s Irish accent gave it away most of the time.) But I liked how Doremus explores one woman trying to make decisions about her life and relationships, showing how hard it is to do that sometimes.

Endings, Beginnings is on Digital on Friday and then On Demand starting May 1. I honestly don’t know the difference between the two. I probably should figure it out, huh?

Another movie I quite enjoyed that’s on Demand and Digital this Friday is Brazilian documentarian Fernando Grostein Andrade’s first narrative feature, the family comedy ABE (Blue Fox Entertainment), starring Noah Schnapp (from Stranger Things), Seu Jorge, Mark Margolis and Dagmara Dominczyck. Schnapp plays 12-year-old Abe, a Brooklyn ‘tween and a diehard foodie with his own blog and desires to be a chef. His main goal in the year leading up to his Bar Mitzvah is to cook the perfect meal to bring his half-Jewish and half-Palestinian family together in harmony. He gets some helping learning the ropes from Seu Jorge as a Brazilian food cart chef who takes under his wing, but Abe has his work cut out for him as his grandparents and other relatives can never agree on anything.

Listen, this is a pretty simple premise but that helps make Andrade’s film so much easier to enjoy.  I feel that this is a movie that probably would have done quite well on the film festival circuit (when there was one) since it’s a crowd-pleasing film that gives a very different look into the Israel-Palestine conflict from a Brazilian outsider, as well as in the guise of a warm non-confrontational coming-of-age film that should appeal greatly to foodies. I actually liked Schnapp in this role, mainly because he’s surrounded by such solid actors, including one of my personal faves, Mark Margolis, as his Israeli grandfather. Abe is the type of movie that may have gone completely overlooked in any other environment but actually keeps your attention through its warmth and pleasing storytelling that can bring those going through these hard times a smile or two. It’s not exactly reinventing the wheel or redefining “cinema” but it’s a good film to watch with the family you may now be cooped up with. (Probably for kids around Abe’s age so 11 and up?)

Next up is That Evening Sun director Scott Teems’ THE QUARRY (Lionsgate), a thriller based on Damon Galgut’s novel, starring Shea Whigham as a drifter who kills a travelling preacher and takes his place in a smalltown while being under suspicion of the police chief, played by Michael Shannon. The movie also stars Oscar nominee Catalina Sandino Moreno, and with those three alone, I really wanted to like this movie, but it was really dull and never really got me interested in any of the characters, which is especially a shame since Whigham is such a good actor, but this movie just didn’t do anything for me… at all.

Available now via VOD and on DVD/BluRay on April 28 is Tyler Cornack’s bizarre comedic (?) thriller BUTT BOY (Epic Pictures) -- co-written, directed and starring Cornack. To be honest, it’s the type of movie that is just too weird for its own good. I have to be honest that the movie’s title scared me, and if I read the actual premise beforehand, I might have been even more bothered about watching it then I was already just from the title. Okay, so Cornack plays Chip Gutchel, a married IT worker who becomes obsessed with anal probing after a proctology exam. A dog disappeared and then a baby but years later, a child disappears from Chip’s job, and the detective on the case (Tyler Rice), who is also being sponsored by Gutchel in AA, suspects that the missing child has gone up Gutchel’s … well, I don’t have to spell it out. This is one of those WHAT THE HOLY FUCK movies like The Greasy Strangler and Lemon that I immediately wondered (and apologies to the podcast of the same name) “How did this movie get made?!” While I felt the same way about the premise for the recent Swallow when I first learned about it, that movie was actually really good.  I knew as soon as it became obvious what was happening that I had absolutely zero need to watch a movie about a guy who is able to suck things up his own ass. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a competently-made genre film but as it became clearer and clearer where it was going, I was getting more and more queasy about the whole concept. So yeah, I wouldn’t recommend this to my worst enemy, and I’m guessing most people will feel the same but there’s a lot of boredom out there, so who knows?

Wow, that’s it? Four movies? Sheesh…

STREAMING AND CABLE

At this point, it almost seems silly to break this column down into sections ‘cause everything is gonna hit your computer and/or TV sets until theaters finally reopen. Note: I haven’t seen any of the movies or series below.

Streaming on FX on Hulu Wednesday (today!) is the new mini-series Mrs. America, starring Cate Blanchett as Phyllis Schlafly, “the sweetheart of the silent majority,” a woman who is fighting back against women like Gloria Steinem (played by Rose Byrne!) and others who were pushing for the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) in the 70’s. The amazing cast includes Margo Martindale, Uzo Aduba, Elizabeth Banks, Tracey Ullman, “sweetheart of FX” Sarah Paulson, Melanie Lynskey and yes, there is at least one man, played by John Slattery. The showrunner is Dahvi Waller from Mad Men, too, so this should be an entertaining watch, and I’m definitely on board.

Lots of stuff on Netflix this week but not necessarily anything that’s been on my radar, like the new docu-series, The Innocence Files, which is exec. produced and directed by a number of impressive filmmakers like Liz Garbus, Alex Gibney and Roger Ross Williams. Debuting on Wednesday (today!), it looks eight cases of wrongful conviction and what the Innocence Project has done to try to get their cases overturned. This is a subject that has really interested me, although I liked last year’s Brian Banks more than Just Mercy.  The Innocence Project is just such an amazing organization with what they’re doing to help those who can’t help themselves go up against the deeply injust criminal justice system, so this is definitely one I’ll be watching.

There are a few new features on Netflix on Friday, none of which I’ve seen but hopefully will be enticing viewing. The three new ones include the German film, Rising High, written and directed by Cüneyt Kaya, starring David Kross (not the comedian) as Viktor Stein and Gerry Falkand as Frederick Lau, two real estate moguls who get sucked into their wealth by defrauding the bank, losing sight of reality.

There’s also the French crime film, Earth and Blood (La Terre et Le Sange), from filmmaker Julien Leclerq about a sawmill owner named Saïd (Sami Bouajila) and his 18 year old daughter Sarah (Sofia Lesaffre) trying to sell his factory, not realizing that one of his apprentices hid cocaine in there, forcing father and daughter to face tough gangsters who want their drugs back.

Brazilian superstar Wagner Moura and Ana de Armas from Knives Out star in Greg Barker’s Sergio, a film about Sergio Viera de Mello, the UN diplomat who is ready to resign and spend time with his wife before he’s assigned to a mission in Baghdad just as the US invasion of 2003, and he’s crushed under a wall when a bomb blasts the UN headquarters.

Amazon Studios will be debuting Tayarisha Poe’s debut feature, SELAH AND THE SPADES, on Amazon Prime Video Friday. It takes place at Haldwell, an elite Pennsylvania board school run by five factions. It stars Lovie Simone as 17-year-old Selah Summer, who runs the most dominant group, the Spades, who caters to supply students with alcohol and pills. As tension builds between the factions, Selah’s right hand BFF Maxxie (Jharrel Jerome) has a new boyfriend, so Selah needs to find a new protégé.

Next week, more movies not in theaters!

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!