#writing the taurus part was so weird it felt like i was talking to myself

[inthestarsme]

Solar return Observations pt. 2

‼️Don't repost my Observations without consent and mentioning my page‼️

Hello girliieees how are you? I thought i'd give you a new post, as i am very much procrastinating. Honestly, i dont really have much to say soo... lets just get started!

Befor i start: these are just some random things i observe from people with these placements. They might fit you but they dont have to. I wsnt to emphasize this as i tend to also talk about darker stuff, and i dont want people to get scared. Everything i'm writing could totally not apply to you, so please take everything woth a grain of salt!

Now lets go!

Venus conjunct 10th house: For some reason, people in general perceive you to be more attractive and desireable. If you also have some good placements in your sr 5th or 7th house or the ruler of your sr 7th house is taurus or libra, you might even attract more love interests than usual.

Uranus in the 7th house: I know i've talked about my Uranus conjunct Jupiter in the 7th house in relation to sudden, unexpected things happening in your love life, which it definately means, but it can also make your love life more unconventional, in whatever way this applies to your life. For me, it was finding out i'm bi and dating the same gender for the first time in my life. Of course it isn't weird or anything like that, but me finding this out was completely unexpected, because i was always someone who was very keen on saying "i'm straight, but i'm a big ally", so completely going the opposite way was unconventional for me, although it felt exactly the same as dating the opposite gender. In the end it didn't work out, but i found out something major about myself, and am still figuring shit out (i'm honestly not 100 percent sure abouz my sexuality, but its a step in the right direction letting this part of myself free).

12th house stellium: No matter why or how (you can see this through other placements in your chart), but definately a year where you might struggle with your mental health (please get yourself professional help if needed), BUT at the same time it could be a year, where you might go on a transcontinental trip, as the 12th house also relates to international travel.

Saturn in the 6th house: For some reason, your everyday work and routine might feel very harsh and restricting and you might really struggle because of it. Please, even though sometimes its just life, always try to still respect your mental health and dont drive yourself into a burnout. But generally, when you're going through this, taking into account your mental health can be a good way to balance this out.

Pluto in the 3rd house: I can only talk about my own experience, but this solar return year i've had this placement and i've definately had my struggle with friends and have already lost an entire friend group. But as Pluto also relates to tramsformation through heavier experiences, i am really hoping i lost these friends to make space for new and better friends and for myself to be a better friend through learning from those experiences. I've also been sensing that the people i am surrounded with might not necessarily be the kind of people i would want as my friends, not because they are bad people but because characterwise we are very different. So maybe it could also just change the way you see your friendships.

North node in the 6th house: If you have this in your sr, a very important thing for you this year is to get into physical fitness, whatever this means to you, and generally taking more care of your body/physical health. So if you havent started yet, i would recommend trying it! Or just more generally, getring healthier routines.

Mercury conjunct Mars in the 10th house: You might be known for speaking more harshly to others this year.

Neptune in Pisces: I know i've talked about this placement before because i dont like this placement, and i need to emphasize this. No matter where you have it, it can mean you experience some kind of hurt due to some these factors

- some kind of illusion making you to not be able to see the reality

- you or other people having mental health stuggles

- you could go into a mental health spiral because of what you experience, where you might not be able to see everything as it is

- you might even be the one putting illusions on others

In the best case it can mean having a very spiritual experience. But i truly advice you, if you are struggeling mentally in some way, please get yourself professional help. Its hard but you can get through it!

Okay soo, i think this is it for now. Thank you so much for reading and see you next time. Lots of love and byeee <3

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

Rating the Mars signs sexually that I have been with.

Aries Mars 🔥 ♈️🕶️

And Aries is obviously and it’s home sign so it feels very comfortable here which makes this sign a very comfortable sign for it to be in also sexually. These people will try most things once, but there is a limitation. I have noticed they like one area very much and they will stick to what they like, it will be different for each of these people who have displacement like for example, you can get one to really into kissing your neck or giving you a hickey or you could get one he’s really into massaging your neck either way is very good and very intense for and sexy Fiery? they are into all sorts of sexually and not into oral more than positions and sex, but all of it together they don’t like planning it either overnight as they have to be on the spare of the moment.

Mars in Taurus 🔥♉️👅

I say miles in taurus mars myself, I’m writing myself on my own of what we like. We are very much into oral more than penetration. We love anything that’s spicy in the sense watching pornography listening to the sounds of sensitive everything that’s to do with the senses, baby oil anything to make it more dirty in those kind of ways, and they will do oral all for a long time That is the best part for them for us more about and building up the sensation rather than just getting it done. I’m it’s not about getting to somewhere it’s about enjoying the moment and where there’s nowhere to go where are just in the moment enjoying the sensory oils, the pornography, the pleasuring of the other person

Mars in Gemini🔥♊️🥴

Martin Gemini love to talk during, and tell you what’s going on, that is her idea of the turn on. I want to tell you where they’re at how they feel what they want you to do what they can do to each other that imagination is out they like to switch things up, and they usually the dominant one in the bedroom, I like to be more into penetration rather than the foreplay and some things will give them the egg if you do, but they’re quite happy to tell you that will make it quite blatantly obvious, but you won’t be disappointed they’re very fast pace, if that’s what you’re into, you’ll be happy, either way, you won’t be disappointed, I’ve noticed they don’t need any props so don’t want any toys or porn?

Mars in Scorpio🔥♏️ 🍆

Let’s not get it twisted Mars and Scorpio is really known for being with sexual top of the list when it comes to sex and I’m not gonna lie they are very good. They can be a bit selfish but they are very know what they’re doing and you can also do anything once or twice or fry Anything and they will let you try anything on them think of them as your own personal slave in the bedroom. They’re up for anything but then they can have time as well. They just want a quickie. They just basically everything when it comes to sex Scorpio rules sex. They are like all of us at the end of the day. Sometimes we just wanted to be like that I wouldn’t say it’s their ideal thing. I’d rather be like miles in Taurus where they have a whole day of just like doing it.

Mars in Capricorn 🔥♑️🥶

So this is the only mars, signs, like right and mars in Capricorn was my least favourite of all of these mars signs. It felt for me personally a bit robotic they can be very bossy and controlling. I think they’re kind of person who wants to be dominated or switching, even But if you’re too timid people, your submissive people isn’t gonna work so find something that tickles your pickle and stick someone you can be compatible with on a freaky level Bob, Marley had this placement. Obviously I don’t know what he was saying sexually but he had a lot of children so maybe for some people it’s just an act it’s just something that you do that has not a lot of passion to it. They were good at trying to make it about you. I’m trying to please, you but in a weird way of

[glam0ur]

what i love about each zodiac sign!!

capricorn: you are so graceful. you make big things seem small. you are self reliant and the self control you hold is out of this world. YOU are in control YOU have the power. you know how to switch your emotions on and off and you know how to keep your head in the game. you walk around with your head high, like nothing can stop you. it’s fascinating to say the least. there’s a time and place for everything with you and when it’s time to have fun you know how to get down. you inspire everyone around you. being loved by you is an experience like no other. you are a gem never forget it.

aquarius: this is your world and everyone else just lives in it. you have so much to say. so much to share. we don’t deserve all the knowledge you provide. everything you say makes sense. you are smart. as fuck. everyone leaves with something after being around you. you speak your mind like no other, where you stand will always be known. you like to make things clear. you are brutally honest and straightforward. people will know exactly how you feel about them. you are strong willed and you make your mark. you’re always ready to help and honestly you are just a force of nature not to be reckoned with.

pisces: you are the softness that we need in this world. you are art, you are magic. there is so much parts of yourself that you hide but someone can see how special you are from miles away. your brain is GOLD, i know you could write a best selling novel with all that goes on in there. you have so much to show to the world. you are a great friend AND lover. you feel everything to the core which allows you to create the most beautiful things. you deserve ALL the flowers and praise. you are a dreamer and so creative. i would love to hear about anything you have to say. i know you pay attention. you are a walking angel but don’t forget it’s okay to put yourself first. 

aries: you have everything it takes to go as far as you want in life. you are confident, fierce, determined, unapologetic and you do not let people get away with any sort of bs. you’re impulsive but like in the best way possible!!?? you’re not afraid to take risks and you know how to make anyone/anything your bitch. your energy is loud, do not silence it for anyone. there is a very sweet side to you. you are selective & you choose people in your circle very wisely so it is literally an HONOUR to know you.

taurus: you see beauty in anything and in everyone. there is no one like you. people naturally gravitate towards you, you’re like a human magnet. you’re so grounded  and down to earth, talking to you just feels easy. you are honest, LOYAL, and not afraid to speak your mind. you make people want to get their shit together. you give such great advice, people can talk to you for hours and you make them feel so safe. you know how to listen and how to pay attention. you are reliable and you always THINK before you act. you know how to put yourself in someone else's shoes. you lay yourself out on the table when in love and you love HARD. you pour your heart in everything. you’re the glue that holds a lot of people together. 

gemini: you are probably the most interesting person to be around. you’re the type of person to have a different story time every day. you make anything sound interesting. no one gets bored around you. you have something to say about anything. you are smart and so so so adaptable. you can get along with literally any type of person. change does not scare you. you are fearless and it’s so admirable. you are the life of the party and extremely fun. haters really don’t see how layered you are and it’s their fucking loss. there’s so much depth to you, only the real ones are lucky enough to witness it. 

cancer: your presence feels like the warmest hug. you are always there for people and such fucking true friend. people feel instant comfort around you without you having to say much. your heart is so pure. which is why you can make instant connections and the bonds you form with people are genuine. you look like MONEY without even trying, but fr, how????? your exterior always matches your interior and it’s SEXY. you’re not afraid to get ugly if you smell even a hint of disrespect and if there’s one thing you’ll do it’s stand up for yourself and the people you love. no matter what. you deserve the most luxurious things in life. 

leo: oh my god you are so powerful and captivating. you know how to keep the attention on you. you know your worth and you will not shrink yourself for ANYBODY. you have no problem taking up all the space in a room and you leave everyone around you in awe. you work hard and you know exactly what you want. you are so badass, a great problem solver and just overall a multi talented bomb. amazing storyteller and can we also talk about how funny you are???? if you needed a reminder this is it because damn you’re really that person everyone looks up too. so freaking bright. 

virgo: your worth ethic is like no other. you know how to get shit done to absolute perfection. you deserve ALL the recognition. you are detail oriented and you don’t play about your craft. don’t let anyone undermine you. you are SO loyal even with all the shit you have going on and the weight on your shoulders. the same way you treat your work and your craft is the same way you treat those around you that you love. you know how to make anyone feel special and valued and you make sure to water those relationships the same way you expect it to be done to you. and it should because you DESERVE it. you work so hard. let yourself breathe and take a break at times. and don’t you even worry because God knows if anyone can do it it’s you. 

libra: you are a light in a dark room. you are so damn likable. hours with you feel like minutes. you can flip someone’s bad mood in a matter of seconds. you’re so naturally funny, charismatic, positive and social. no wonder people fall in love with you in a blink of an eye. you never take things too seriously, you live in the moment, you know exactly how to completely change the mood in a awkward room. you don’t change yourself for no one and you live life by YOUR rules. leaving everyone in your circle HOOKED. i don't know why anyone wouldn’t wanna be around you. you’re so open minded, it’s hard to feel judged around you. literally the sun in human form 

scorpio: i know sometimes you feel like you’re too real for this earth. it’s true. most people don’t deserve you. you’re as real as they come. you love and feel so deeply and people who get to experience that side of you are lucky as fuck. you are smart and careful and you always make sure that your voice is heard no matter how it makes you look. you don’t play about your feelings, and your loved ones ever and i honestly pray for the people who cross you. i know it can get overwhelming feeling like you have to be there for everybody and sometimes you feel misunderstood so be careful who you spend your energy on because you are so so so special. there is this crazy radiating energy surrounding you. 

sagittarius: your confidence is so attractive. people notice you the second you walk into a room. you are fierce without having to do much. when you talk, people listen. you can make someone look more attractive just by being around them. you’re fun, you’re always there for a good time, your free spirit is fucking contagious and you don’t let anyone take that away from you. you don’t let things affect you for too long but at the same time you know when and how to put your foot down even if that means breaking a few hearts. 

[vincent-g-writer]

The Silver Screen Savant: Thoughts on Hollywood Autism, Pt. 1

When I was a child, I didn’t fit in.

A common statement, many people empathize with. However, to say “I didn’t fit in,” is a gross understatement. I stuck out like a sore thumb, and at times, still do. Now, why was this, you may ask? Well, there are things I could name. A banal little checklist of traits and characteristics would probably do the trick. But I’m not sure that would do it justice. So I’ll tell you what it felt like:

I had trouble reading facial expressions, because people’s face, and hands, and body would say one thing, while their words said another. Smiles that didn’t reach the eyes. Laughs that were a little too hearty, or loud, or hollow. Disingenuous conversations and actions frustrated me. If lying was wrong, why were, as my mother used to call them “little white lies” acceptable? Why did we smile and thank our new neighbors for their homemade casserole dish, before promptly throwing it away when they left? These things, and many others, puzzled me. But the thing that puzzled me the most, was interacting with my peers. I didn’t understand the sensation of a hundred million bees, pricking me with electric anxiety when I went to school, or played with children in the neighborhood. I didn’t understand why they weren’t constantly talking, wondering, asking- about everything. I didn’t understand how their minds worked. Most of all, I didn’t understand why it physically hurt me to look into people’s eyes, child and adult alike. On the other hand, I did notice they didn’t like me very much. “You’re weird,” they would sneer. Or “you talk too much.” And, they were right. I knew they were. Even as I would wax poetic about all sorts of nonsense, like the difference between a cocoon and a chrysalis. I knew. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t shut myself off.

And that’s just one tiny example, of a lifetime.

Back then, if you’d asked what was “wrong” with me, on a good day, I would have shrugged. Other times, when I despised every fiber of my being, I’d parrot back the sentiments of my peers. “Freak,” “loser,” and “r*tard” were words I heard often. And for a long time, I believed them.

Today, I know differently. Not to say the above struggles no longer apply. If anything, some of them are worse. But now, I now longer blame or hate myself for being different. Now, I understand.

The Lightbulb Moment

In 2014, my daughter began speaking. She was four years old. Before then, she could say “dada,” “juice,” “two,” and “go.” The rest was garbled noises, when and if she made a sound. Most of the time, she didn’t. My wife and I were concerned, to say the least. But it wasn’t exactly a new worry. My princess never crawled, never pointed to get people’s attention, or show them things, and did not play with toys. Plus a host of other concerns. So we hopped on Google, and after about, oh, half an hour of research, got in touch with a doctor. Now, I feel like I must add the caveat here that we wanted to have her seen before then. However, many issues (including a bout of homelessness) prevented that. So we were a bit…late, in that regard. No matter. Her doc sent her to a local play therapist, and after about fifteen minutes of interaction, the therapist knew exactly what was going on: Our little Princess was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

But wait! There’s more-

Once this became clear, my wife started looking into other things. Her own independent research, as it were. She kept it to herself for a month or three, then avalanched it all into my lap . Our Princess wasn’t the only one, as it turned out. And really, had I ever bothered to look…it was obvious. But I was in denial. I couldn’t possibly be autistic. So, like the stubborn Taurus I am, I dug my heels in. I refused to discuss it, for almost year. But, my beloved wife, who is much smarter and wiser than I am, knew what to do. In the name of “research for Princess,” she had me read a list of common autistic traits/symptoms. And it all came crashing down. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was, without a doubt, also on the spectrum.

The gift of the Media: Fear, self hatred, stigma…superpowers?

Now, you might be asking, why exactly did I doubt myself? Cultural association, of course. And by “cultural association,” what I really mean is “the media.” Mostly, anyway. See, I’ve noticed a trend. In movies, tv and books, autism is usually presented in one of two ways: The Rainman, or the Idiot Perma-child, who cannot care for themselves. And I’m neither.

On the one hand, I was a straight A student. I could sleep through classes and make 100%. I was reading by the age of three or four, and I graduated highschool at fifteen. On the other, I have been known to go a full forty-eight hours without eating, because I “didn’t think about it.”

But I’m not the autistic person you see on tv. Now, that isn’t to say those people don’t exist. They do. For example, my daughter deals with much more noticable struggles than I ever have, while I have another member of my family (also on the spectrum) who is a certifiable genius. And I’ve known many others who are “obviously” autistic, whereas I pass as allistic* (see footnotes below) easily. Which is a sad discourse altogether, really. One the one hand, an “obviously” autistic person, what one might call “Low Functioning” (I could write a whole other post about why “low/high functioning” labels are harmful, however, for the sake of brevity, there’s some here, here and here) are often boiled down only to their struggles, where as people such as myself are relegated to “Not autistic enough to be my problem” or “well, you don’t look autistic.”

To quote-

“The difference between high-functioning autism and low functioning is that high-functioning means your deficits are ignored, and low-functioning means your assets are ignored.” -Laura Tisoncik

Why is this? As you might have guessed from the title of this post- I put a lot of it on the shoulders of the entertainment we consume. Nevermind certain hate organizations who swath themselves in the cloak of “advocacy” such as Autism Speaks, and Anti-Vaxcers, who think it’s better to have a dead child than an autistic one.*

I could go on. At length. However, I’m going to try and stay on track, just this once. To put it plainly, Hollywood Autism often works exactly like “high” and “low” functioning labels: We’re either uplifted to inhuman portrayals of superpowered savants, or downgraded to an “inspirational” invalid. In these stories, we’re props. The “Magical Disabled person!” as Tv Tropes puts it, there to uplift the neurotypical character from their adversity. After all, if this poor dumb sod (i.e- me) can be happy with their burdensome life, surely the pretty white able-bodied protagonist can! We’re “funny,” “scary,” or “sympathetic,” characters, who lack dimension, and nuance. We’re “inhuman.” We’re the lesser. Or at least, that’s one way it’s written. The other is the hyper intelligent, almost “superhuman,” and definitely super jackass genius, who’s much too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy. That’s it folks! That’s the show!

That’s what books, tv and movies told me, anyway. And what I truly believed for a long time. It’s why I cringed away in terror and shame when my spectrum issues were finally noticed. And why it took me so long to come to terms with it.

So, there you have it. Part 1. On the next episode, I’ll give some examples, both good and bad, and maybe even a little “what not to do,” or at least a “please consider real hard before doing this in your own work.”

If you like writing, talking about bad tropes and even worse marginalized representation, you can follow me at wordpress or at my “still has that new car smell” twitter. For now- thanks for reading.

-Your loving Vincent

*allistic= Non autistic.

*Vaccines do NOT cause Autism, however, if they DID, it would still be better to have an autistic child than one who died at the ripe old age of “easily preventable but deadly communicable disease.”

[worryingthing]

Illuminati Hotties - Frequent Letdown

I was thinking of a little project, to maybe help pull me up, or maybe center me, stear me a bit off of the course of nihilist depression I’ve been on. A meditation of sorts, through the Tarot, if and when I feel like it. Writing helps me sort my thoughts, usually? It’s the start of Leo season and I feel squirmy about that because I feel the opposite of my worth and the complete void of confidence lately. It’s almost August and I’ve been to the beach one time!! and even then it felt like risking our lives potentially? to be nourished, by the sea, the thing I extremely desperately need to wash away all the crowding stray thoughts and sneaky trauma that has settled in comfortably during this time of quarantine. I haven’t been on the Subway since March 13th. I’m unemployed, not playing music at all, and struggling not to be disappointed when I wake up dreading every day. So, a little exercise I guess? The song is there because I like it and that’s how I feel. I listened to it while I shuffled and drew my card. For the curious I am using the classic Smith-Waite tarot deck, I like the clarity of traditional decks’ imagery. It tells a story well. 

For this first entry I pulled the Ace of Pentacles. It looks like a hand from a Monty Python illustration is floating out of a cloud and holding a big coin, which has a star in the center.  Pen-TA-CULLS . I know this suit represents the earth signs, money and all, right? I’m a Taurus sun and rising and no one is surprised. Anyway this card has the floating hand and it’s coin and it also has a garden underneath, and the garden has what look like tall lilies blooming, and then there is a hedge with an archway, and the hedge has red flowers or leaves, and the archway gives way to a view of a pale blue mountain. There is a little worn path that leads to and through the arch. There is grass and growth and lusciousness and what I sense from this card is its statement of possibility. Let’s check Biddy Tarot though:

No matter the occasion, the Ace of Pentacles heralds a sense of prosperity and abundance in the material or financial areas of your life. It undoubtedly comes as a welcome invitation – but it is not a free ride. As with all Aces in the Tarot deck, this card illustrates the possibility of a new endeavor but does not guarantee its manifestation or success. That piece is up to you.

Ok, so full disclosure, a while ago my friend and I talked about illustrating a tarot deck where cards would be paired with songs. We began outlining the project but then, of course, life happened. So forgive me if this exercise constantly brings me back to song, but that is the realm of my old self that my present self just sort of woefully drags around like a deflated homunculus. Anyway this reminds me of (course!) of Springsteen. In truly the most devastating call out I’ve ever felt encountered in lyric form:

You can hide 'neath your covers And study your pain Make crosses from your lovers Throw roses in the rain Waste your summer praying in vain

Ok, so Biddy Tarot also says this: See the Ace of Pentacles as your ‘green light’. It marks the initial stages of manifesting your goals and assures you that you can truly achieve what you have set your mind to do. The world is your oyster and, through careful planning and determined effort, you can manifest your goals and desires. Your ideas are ready to turn into something tangible and real! This card encourages you to map out how you will achieve your ambitions, create targeted plans and get those actions underway. Keep your eyes open for chances to manifest your goals and realise your inner potential.

To be quite honest I wasn’t expecting this much of a doozy with my first pull for this weird, blog accountability thing I made up. But then the next verse of the song goes on to say: Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk.

Which is of course, abstractly, a goal of mine. I’d love to get good enough to pen a few jangly tunes. I know I could do it? but also I’ve no idea how to continue with music after everything, but I do miss it, and lately I’ve been lusting after a reasonably priced mini amp. I also need actual life direction, which is a huge bummer, and frankly too much to consider in the midst of a pandemic where everyone I know is lucky to even be employed, or alive, at best. D also wants to get out of this country, and who can blame him? It’s so hard to think about now though, what would I be losing? the friends I can’t see, the trains I can’t take, the live music scene I’m unsure will ever recover? 34 is an odd weird year to lose to nothingness this way. Everyone just wants me to have a baby. and i want a single fucking hour of peace and alone time, and to learn all of my favorite guitar riffs without being absolutely overcome by grief of missing the music community I formerly took part in (That’s not all I want, obviously, but I could really use everyone else getting a grip about telling me I need to procreate!!!). ANYWAY the tarot further says: 

This Ace signifies abundance in all areas of your life. Enjoy it! Feel blessed and deserving of everything that comes your way. If you wish to amplify this feeling of prosperity, live by the Law of Attraction and send your positive energy and intent into the Universe so you will receive more in return.

I am pretty sure I can do that. I sent a friend chocolate this week. I have donated variously when I can to places in support of protests and bail funds. I did some yoga today and then did an online figure drawing session, which was me directly trying to make time for myself. I made bread last night and then baked it this afternoon and ate some for dinner as a broccoli melt.  and now I am doing this. I made space for myself and made myself be thankful. I am taking myself by the scruff and forcing my face into the food bowl of existence and making myself appreciate it, even when it has felt excruciating. I’m treading water when I want to be laying down under the waves and merging with the silt. I don’t know. Maybe this will help or maybe I’ll abandon it. It probably would have been smarter to do a spread and not just one card? But a new season? and whether mockingly or not this card seems to feel I have an opportunity to rise to and meet? 

[mystic-kitten-writer]

It’s wonderful how you love reading people’s words about almost anything and attend to their words, being able to sense their feelings behind it. And I agree, it’s so lovely when you can sense a person’s joy through their words, as you said! Here I am once again, feeling special, thanks to you 💛 You’re a darling! And I’ll try my best to send long asks whenever possible!! (1/11)

Ahh, it’s going to be a while before I actually feel comfortable doing chart readings! But you know what? I would be happy to read your astrology chart for free, if you want! It would be great practice for me and it would give me a chance to grow my confidence. Though only if you want, let me know! ☺️ I’m so happy to know you’re learning and grasping everything perfectly! The way you believe in me astrology-wise makes my heart all warm 💓 (2/11)

I’m sorry your summer courses got cancelled btw, especially since you were on track to graduate. Hopefully, this gives you time for yourself though. I wish I can say I enjoy being active too, but it’s not something I do often tbh. Though I do love walking, as well as dancing (but it’s been a while). I need to find more activities that can get me moving 😔 Ah I see, what solo activities do you like doing to stay active? (I fall on the introverted side, I tend to favor being alone too) (3/11)

I’m on the same boat as you + your family. I haven’t been outside since mid-March and being at home until now has made me a bit antsy. It probably added to the weird headspace I was in too. Though that’s gone now, I’m feeling much better + less stressed thankfully. The semester is still in session for me, I’ve got about until mid-May until it’s over. Though I’m glad that school will be over before my birthday, so that’s a blessing I’m super thankful for! I can enjoy my day in peace, aha. (4/11)

Manipulation can be associated with a few other signs too actually, but Scorpio is definitely up there in the top three! And it is definitely true that that as you get older, you can either grow more into your sign’s archetype or some traits lessen over time. Rather than it being some traits disappearing, it’s more likely due to other planetary energies in certain signs coming into play and becoming more prominent. (5/11)

There’s also this point in everyone’s chart, the midheaven. It’s been said that whatever sign a person’s midheaven is in, that person shows more of that energy as they get older. Which brings me to how you got the impression that I’m a Libra! My midheaven is in Libra, which is probably why you felt that more than Taurus. It’s fascinating, especially since we’re just interacting through messages. Didn’t know my Libra energy was showing that strongly but it’s nice being aware of that now! (‪6/11‬)

I will definitely let you know if any of my guesses change when I do a rewatch of the whole series! (P.S. did you hear the announcement that A:TLA will be on Netflix ‪on May 15th‬?!) And to make it more fun, I’ll assess the other characters as well and share what signs I believe they could possibly be! I’ll consider it my mini summer project 😋 But oh my gosh, soft Zuko in the comics? 🤧 Maybe I should read the comics too then, since it might give me more material to work with. (‪7/11‬)

Your questions made sense, it’s all good! I think the best thing to refer to and see how Yue’s Venus energy influences Zuko’s Cancer side is that conversation in chapter 22 of Limerence, where Zuko told Yue that if having a family meant having a family with her, then that’s all he could ever want. Of course, he loves her, so there’s no doubt about them having a family together eventually. (‪8/11‬)

Though this is highlighted more with Yue’s Venus + Zuko’s Cancer energy because those energies meshing creates a soft/tender vibe, which makes coming together and creating a family highly ideal. Because Venus carries this loving energy which reinforces Cancer’s love for being domestic. As for the dynamic of Yue’s Libra and Zuko’s Aries, I feel that it’s one of the things that sets the overall tone for their relationship. (‪9/11‬)  

With Aries/Libra, it’s kind of a classic case of Venus & Mars, so Yue being the affectionate/gentle one while Zuko being the intense/bold one, that paints the picture of their Aries/Libra dynamic. All that Libra/Scorpio energy in your sister’s family though, wow!! There are some common patterns in astrology that can occur with family, and one of those patterns can manifest as a certain sign or two being strong in the family. I guess that’s completely true for your sister! (‪10/11‬)

I’ll wrap all of this up by saying that chapter 33 of Limerence is completely enthralling! With every single chapter, I’m just in love with your storytelling. You’re such a fantastic writer! And also, it’s very enjoyable talking to you every time! Thank you for showing such warm energy always, it’s refreshing 💜 -  🌻 (‪11/11‬)

AHHHH – my lovely 🌻-anon~! 🥰🥰🥰

How long have you been studying astrology, and how long does it usually take for one to gain the confidence and skills to provide a service? I’m just so curious – but I never had anyone to ask these questions and learn. I’m sorry if these queries sound silly 😅

BUT BABE.

I would love a reading – but I’ll have to give you something. I refuse to not pay or give something back (even if small!). Plus, I need to say thank you for indulging me and letting me bother you non-stop with my questions 😂 But, seriously – you should be confident. You have literally not only captured my interest but a lot of others too!

Honestly, as sucky as it is to not graduate, I’m doing exactly that – taking the time for myself. I’ve been going for walks as of late while listening to some tunes! I live near conservation, so I’m lucky that I have a huge forest with lakes and a beach to unwind. But before I got hurt, I used to do cross-country, high-jump, and shotput (I miss those days 😭).

But, if you enjoy dancing – I encourage Zumba💃

I know it seems random, but it’s something super fun to do by yourself (or with someone else, I usually do it with my mom) and it just gets you moving. I’ve been doing Zumba almost every day because sitting on the couch is starting to get to me. It’s totally random – but it’s a fun way to get active in the comforts of your home, and you got some fun music to listen to. I’m glad to hear you’ve gotten out of that weird headspace though – I relate a lot to you in that aspect. It can take a while to get out of it, but the important part is that you did it! And I wish you the best with school, you’re almost done.

Also, happy Taurus season, babe~! 😘😘

Ouu, so what other signs associate with manipulation? I always hear Scorpio, so you’ve piqued my interest. And, I’m going to be honest, I’m still in shock that you’re a Taurus LOOL. I don’t know why, but the way you write reminds me of some of my friends/family who are Libras. You just have this diplomacy when you write? Do I sound crazy – probably 😂😂. I’ve never heard about the midheaven, but now that you told me that, it does make a lot of sense. Like you know how Zuko screams Mars? You scream Libra for me😋

YES I DID HEAR. Okay, so I’m from Canada, so ATLA is already here for us to watch – but my best friend (he lives in the States) literally called me screaming in excitement. We’re planning binge-watching dates for us to video chat and watch together. So I think I can safely assume you shall be binge-watching ATLA starting May 15 😉😉

Soft Zuko.

I swear, I fangirled soooooooo damn hard.

My heart – gone.

Soul – snatched.

Zuko is just such a cutie, like a teddy bear – with that smile of his and I just ajsdksadjksjdkasdksd My body can’t handle this level of cuteness. Like he has his kick-ass moments, but getting to see that other side of him was beautiful. My favourite moment was he gives Kiyi a piggy-back ride and tucks her into bed. If you end up reading the comics – you gotta let me know. I’m dying to know what you think of it!

It was also neat seeing Katara’s and Aang’s relationship develop in the comics (and Toph). Like the comics captured the essence of an awkward teenage romance (Katara and Aang) blooming into a long-lasting relationship. Like my friends said they cringed so hard during some ‘romantic’ moments between them, and they’re like it made us cringe not because it was bad, but because that was us when we were teenagers with our partners.

Oh wow – thank you for the examples! Honestly, it makes sense now about the domestic aspects with Zuko’s Cancer and Yue’s Venus. I just needed to make sure I was understanding it, I need to know these facts👏👏 But I swear – I feel like their whole relationship is the definition of chaotic neutral 😂😂

Is there a reason why certain signs have a strong presence in certain families (like you mentioned how you have a lot of ‘me’s’ in yours lol). Or is just random?

But I’m glad you enjoyed chapter 33, love! It feels so nice to get back into a writing routine – I was going nuts, not able to write consistently. I need to channel my chaotic energy into my stories LOOL

But I hope you’re taking care of yourself (family and friends included) in these times! It’s nice engaging in these long chats, it makes so happy (can you tell 😂).

I can’t wait till I hear from you again🌻~! 💜💜💜

[medvsx]

Restart; A 2019 Reflection

8th January 2020

I thought about having a physical diary to jot down thoughts and all but personally, I feel like that isn’t… feasible at the moment. May also be because I have no sense of commitment towards whatever I want to do too, but ANWAYS!

I was supposed to write a reflection on 2019 but again, zero commitment whatsoever. So here I am, 8 days into 2020, writing a reflection on 2019.

First and foremost, I’d like to say that 2019 wasn’t the nicest to me. I’ve had more downs than ups last year. It wasn’t pleasant for me as a whole (physically, mentally, emotionally etc). I barely remember anything that happened through out the year. I only know that towards the end of the year, I was mostly sad. Barely felt like myself for the most part. Everything felt off. It came to the point where I studied for tests a couple of hours before the paper, did assignments the night before submission (by copying others) and just completely giving up on academic life. Not my proudest moment but I guess that’s what it felt like when you hit rock bottom.

I had the idea to reflect on 2019 from some Instagram post I saw a few weeks back. Partly doing it because 2019 was really a blur and I wish I had jotted down things throughout the year. It’s a bit late but here we go, a 2019 reflection.

What have you achieved?

I finally forced myself to join events held in my university. I’ve been here since my foundation year and I’ve been ridiculously shy (and maybe lazy) to join anything. I grew some balls to socialise with people outside of my class and participate in these events. Even though I only managed to sign up for two (major) events, I gained a good amount of experience from it. I was under the Public Relations department so I was mainly in charge of contacting competitors and participants from other schools (of all ages). I think that made me slightly more confident with speaking to people through the phone because I have never been a fan of phone-calls.

What are the new things you tried?

Only one thing that stuck out to me and it was during early February 2019. That was the first time I tried soju and alcohol in general. I had a Somersby Rose and (I think) Peach soju and it was wonderful. Did not regret the decision to drive away from Kakigori and straight ahead to a grocery shop to get two bottles of booze. Definitely shouldn’t have made my friend (who also drank) drove us back but I made it back alive. (Side note; we weren’t that far from home anyways but still; it shouldn’t be done in the first place). I wasn’t really a fan of the peach soju but the rose. *chefs kiss*

What are the new things you loved?

I got into Architectural Digest videos and luxury and designer item hauls on YouTube. I don’t know but something about rich people and their lifestyle is so fascinating to me. Almost… inspiring in a way. Makes me want to push myself to work harder to be more successful. I know it shouldn’t be a measure of success but I feel like my Taurus moon and Libra rising energy draws me into these sorts of stuff. I also have made a mental note on the bags I want to own in the future. My parents also got me Nike AirMax 97s which I’m very grateful of. These babies are quite comfy and gives me a boost of height which I appreciate. I also got a Solvil et Titus watch to replace my 9-year-old Swatch. My new leather strap watch is a beaut, I’m so in love.

What you want to do better in 2020?

I’ve written some of these in my daily journal. I really want to commit to my work and people that matter to me. I have been putting off work for quite some time now. It feels wrong, it is wrong but I couldn’t help myself. I want to try stopping compulsive and quit halfway. I want to try saving up money each week. I want to stick to doing my skincare routine every day. I’m not going to promise myself to study because why would I lie to myself like that? (Says the person writing all of these. I promise you; these are all lies)

What you aim for in 2020?

I want to aim to get better results, to increase my CGPA. Also, this September, in sha allah, I will start my 8-month internship programme. So, I hope to get a placement in a company I have in mind right now and continue my internship there. Hopefully, all goes well.

What you learnt in 2019?

This is the toughest of them all. The year 2019 is the year I became an adult (officially). I am 20 now and I guess there’s a lot of things that I’ve learnt. Can never seem to remember and apply what I learnt though… Anyways!

I’ve learnt that it’s completely fine if you don’t talk to your best friends every day of the week. We’re all busy with work, we don’t keep in touch often but once in a while we meet, we talk and that’s more than enough. I still love them nonetheless. I’ve learnt that only you can push yourself to success and you are also the only one holding yourself back from experiences. I wished I had the guts to be more outgoing. I’ve learnt that leaving your phone on Do Not Disturb mode for a day is actually the best thing you could do to yourself when you’re spiralling down into insanity. I have an odd attachment to my phone and social media in general so to take a break for even a day should feel weird but it felt… freeing. I felt in peace. I should do it more. I’ve learnt that talking shit about people won’t get you anywhere because karma is a bitch. Learnt that the hard way. I have this friend who absolutely sucks at doing work and I really disliked him for a good amount of time but well, turns out I literally became what I hated the following semester which is honestly so embarrassing. I’m disappointed with myself. I need to do better.

That will be the end of today’s entry. It feels nice to get back into writing, it’s been a while since I wrote. I’ve been spending too much time in my head. I needed to regain some sanity in this year. Lets all pray that I stick to this habit.

xoxo

[outrotearbias]

@mccnhild tagged me in a few tags and 1) thank you!!! 2) since i’m apparently incapable of not talking abt myself on all platforms including what was meant to be a thirst blog for bts, but i haven’t actually like. said any concrete facts about myself lmao i figured i should actually talk about myself on here?? so this is a good opportunity to do that

uh well the first one is the bias selfie tag and everyone else might be cute enough to do that but i would honestly rather swallow a bee whole than directly compare myself to yoongi LIKE. i just. no. so i’ll just post a selfie. i almost never take pictures of myself so i really did not have much to choose from, ignore the janky lipstick and extremely yellow light lmao. i took these on the night that i went to go see burn the stage and YES i looked and felt extremely out of place #armysneedgothrepresentation

hate that these are so large but idk how to work tumblr despite having it since 2010

“get to know me” tag:

Nicknames/Pet names:  literally so boring lmfao, just em or emmy (although if you do call me emmy and you’re not a close family member i will be legally obliged to murder you). my grandma calls me milunia sometimes which is like a polish nickname for emily i think? that’s probably my only nickname that i actually like the sound of

Zodiac: this might get me killed for admitting this on tumblr dot com but i could literally care less about astrology. i’m a taurus but i don’t rly identify w it or care

Height: like 5′3.75 and yes i’m pretentious for not just saying 5′4 but that’s my truth

Last Movie: i literally never watch movies uhhh i think the last one was venom? i hate marvel movies normally but i will literally endure anything for tom hardy

Last Thing I Googled: "movies 2018″ bc i knew the last movie i watched was pretty recent but i couldn’t remember it lmfao

Favorite musician: radiohead, city and colour, alexisonfire, daughter, and this group that’s called bts i think??? 

Songs Stuck In My Head: desire by ateez, their new album BANGS and this song in particularly is so catchy 

Other Blogs: @thedalishelves is my main and @calebandnott is my semi/mostly-inactive critical role blog. i’ve had like a billion others but those are the ones that are (ostensibly) active

Do I Get Asks?: i used to a lot but all of the blogs i got a lot of asks on are either deleted or i don’t use them much anymore. i do kinda miss it sometimes but also now no one asks me to diagnose them or tells me their trauma in detail so it’s a toss up really

Dream Trip: i have a phobia of traveling lmfao so it’s more about who i’m with rather than the destination? like i don’t really care at all about seeing new places, more about just being with someone that i like away from daily life for a bit. that being said i do wanna go to paris before i die. also italy and poland to like. connect w my ancestry or w/e lmfao

Amount of Sleep: when i just let my body do its thing (which has been almost all the time lately as i don’t have classes any more and my job has irregular hours) i naturally sleep for abt 9-10 hours. and yes that’s a lot and YES it sucks

Lucky Number: i mean it’s not lucky but i have a Thing abt the number 3 in certain situations

What I’m Wearing: sweats and hoodie bc i’m at home and if u wear anything other than comfy clothes at home. i have nothing to say to u

Favorite food: don’t rly have one atm

Dream job: english professor!!! i’m nearly half way through my phd so. almost there! (if any jobs ever open up 💀💀💀 might get to fulfill this dream in about 40 years or so)

Play any instruments:  i used to play the piano and the baritone (lmfao) but i’ve long abandoned them

Languages: obvs english, EXTREMELY bad french that i can passably read, sort of write, almost completely cannot speak and definitely cannot understand. also i took a year of arabic during my undergrad but i only remember how to kind of read the alphabet. and i have a pretty sizable polish vocabulary (considering i don’t speak it) but absolutely do not know ANY grammar, so the best i could do is throwing random polish words into english sentences. so. basically just english and reading in french

Random fact: *vegan voice* HI I’M A VEGAN

15 questions tag:

Are You Named After Someone: yeah emily brontë bc my mom loved wuthering heights lmfao. in hindsight.. really indicative of how my life would turn out (both in the whole ‘i love reading and i’m doing an english phd’ thing and also the gothic tragic horror lmfao)

When was the last time you cried: yesterday about 461 times. sometimes it be like that

Do You Have Kids: yes one beautiful little tabby cat named faye, i adopted her in august and she’s 3 years old now and extremely annoying and also perfect

Do You Use Sarcasm A Lot: i used to a lot more but now i’m too paranoid abt people hating me and thinking i’m negative so i try not to

What’s the First Thing You Notice About Someone: if they’re a threat or not (either in the immediate physical sense, like seeing someone walking down the street towards me, or in the more complicated sense that i can’t be bothered getting into now and yes i’m aware this is a depressing answer)

Eye Color: dark green

Scary Movie or Happy Ending:  what a weird thing to juxtapose lmfao ig i’m a bit too much of a wimp to watch scary movies often so happy ending? i’m really not one to need happy endings in a movie/story though

Any Special Talents: I Cannot Stress Enough How Untalented I Am. anything that i’m good at is due to dedicating A LOT of time and practice to it.

Where Were You Born: toronto

Hobbies: video games are definitely my main hobby. other than like, listening to music and indulging in whatever obsession i currently have (like bts for instance) all i do is play video games. reading isn’t a hobby anymore, bc even though it occupies most of my time, it’s all for school

Pets: seems pretty redundant to ask about children and pets in one tag. but in addition to my own cat, my family also has a cat named chloe who is super gross but also i love her to death and i think she might actually be an angel. if you could not tell i am completely a cat person and plan on adopting 300

How Tall Are You: let’s go w the less pretentious answer of 5′4 this time even if it’s 0.25″ short of the truth

What Sports Do You Play/Have You Played: LMMMMAAAAOOOOOOOOOO DO I LOOK LIKE

Favorite Subject: i mean. english. obviously

Dream Job: since i already answered this let’s really get wild w the “dream” part of dream job. i would absolutely love to somehow become extremely rich through no work of my own, move to an isolated castle w a really big library, wifi, and like. idk an archery range and some stables w horses and a lot of cats and an incredibly hot gameskeeper that i have a passionate but somewhat detached love affair with. like i’m tryna live like a combination of enya and lady chatterley from lady chatterley’s lover except w/out the shitty husband and class critiques and soul-destroying ennui

HOO BOY i really wrote way too much huh. i’m too avoidant to tag ppl but if u read that whole mess i owe u my whole life thank u

[mynameisdreartblog]

Architectural Styles 2

Leo: Mission Revival. So, my mom wants to run from a senatorial seat this incoming election, and I think it'd be really hopeful if you campaigned for her Napoleon Dynamite style. I know that's a lot of info to lay on you at once, so I'm gonna give you some resources to aid you with the campaign as well: dates, notes, mottos, early poster designs, bare speeches, and decorative pencil toppers. Oh, and I also must tell you that you're one of her contenders for a running mate, and you have a three-month period to set all this up before. All this is awaiting you only if you agree to any of it. But, I'd really favor you a lot more because I handmade this fancy suit just for you and I made sure to put Scooby-Doo patterns on your tie. No, they didn't have Velma — your favorite — because Scooby's the icon, and they're not gonna waste money printing designs of the other characters. Also, I'd like to mention that, on a $50 basis, I'll come to your house and suck your cock for this if you don't do it. I expect a response from you by tomorrow. […] I like you but only because you come off strong, and I like people who come off strong. You're the exact opposite of the guy who cut me off in that jeep with obnoxious stickers, and that example is exactly the model we need for… the running mate of a senatorial politician: that's what we need at this moment. […] Listen, I can flatter you all day with my compliments, but the choice (at the end of the day) is ultimately yours… but it'd really make my mom happy if you agreed, so please do it? Ok, that's it <Oro pulls out a gun.> You listen here, you piece of human garbage. You will be my mom's running mate when she runs for a senatorial seat, and you will do it in a humorous style à la Napoleon Dynamite. Did you fucking hear me? You will help her run, and you will get a Scooby-Doo tie! FUCK YOU!

Taurus: Akbari. A trucker hat, left abandoned on the highway; how sad. It was probably a long-gone reminder of a time of joyous festival by the roadside, but it's best not to linger about those thoughts for too long; you could end up feeling remorseful over what happened. [,,,] Anyways, let's get back to getting in the nitty-gritty of this abandoned truck stop. First things first: break through the entrance; get the crowbar then. Argh, you see the, unf, glass here is very strong here because what the truck drivers used to do is, well, to put it harshly: they rammed themselves into the place usually on accident. It would leave the place with a ton of damage and a lighting condition that eerily warns of domestic verbal abuse <the glass is lifted out of the window frame, offering an entrance into the truck stop.> […] I love these places because they're like convenience stores on meth, and this location in particular was part restaurant, part hotel, and part gas station: a three-way tie between unsanitary conditions! […] Purpose? Why, there was no purpose here except the pure curiosity of it all. There were no Hopper-esque scenery that we could take in, nor beer we could stash, nor are there any gas pumps to feed myself with. «Wait, what?» We're here purely for the adventure: this baby's gonna be demolished by the next month, and we gotta make a lasting impression of what once was while we still have the chance. […] Woah, is this the ice machine I saw on that internet video? It is: it's a Hoshizaki ice machine! «Uh, Koil? There's still trucks outside.» Wow, a 2014 calendar for Paris glitz, and it has kittens too! Aw man, you can still smell the grease left on these fryers. Oh, and there's a bag of Jelly Bellies here too? «Koil, they're coming inside; they have flashlights and batons!» Ooh, a headset! I bet this is wired up to somewhere that's still operating: "Ah yes, please come in, Olligestaia, we're having an emergency here: I just shat myself." «Koil, they're right outside the door, I can clearly hear the barking dogs and intense yelling to get out of the establishment!» Yo, they got a TV!

Aquarius: Art deco. A cop thought that we were smoking weed when we were actually smoking plain-old cigarettes. You see, that's how you mess with their heads: you make it look like you're doing something illegal, but you're actually doing something in the same vein as what they presumed you to be doing only legal. I could picture the look on his face, he looked at us with a disappointment in his eyes that he couldn't bust some younglings for three ounces of weed (thanks for the stash by the way, Ali), but at least I didn't give him candy cigarettes instead. You know, the ones that always felt and tasted like chalk and came in those superhero-themed boxes? Yeah, I ended up circulating those enough as a young age to build up a drug empire somewhere in India: it's crazy how that turned out, but I don't associate with that much anymore (I just let it do its business and I have a coconut in the receptionist's desk with a recorder to answer any complaints). [,,,] <Roaches scurries to taste the crumbs of the candy cigarette left on the ground. Comically, its tiny coughs can be heard from attempting to eat the repackaged chalk.> […] Heh, that was a fun run-in with the law… wait, I'm above twenty-one and I've been so for years now. Why the fuck was he investigating us for illegally smoking when I'm clearly not a minor? Was I with other people who happened to be minors? Was that what set him off? Wha-, those candy cigarettes are getting to me, man. I think I may've imagined that entire encounter: those kids weren't there with me, that cop wasn't there to approach me, and you weren't here to talk to afterwards… where's that goddamn chalk? I need it: it's the only thing that holds the cure to my newly acquired madness. […] <The roach has now started its own miniature drug business from the stash of crumbs it managed to take upon its initial encounter. It's build a monopoly based on the supply.> Come on, where is it? Don't do this to me, Ali.

Pisces: Maghreb. I specifically remember there being an entire roleplay here involving some sort of anime-esque sky fortress that revolved around three main characters interacting with each other. What compromised the structure of it was a single person who had a godlike presence within the world: he watched over a giant, green field of earthen hills that was populated by titanic golems. What he led on was that he was secretly the master of these beings, but he was also a creator that struggled with restraining his own madness. They were our star of the show and an explicit name was never given, only "Dr. G." — I swear, he stole that from somewhere. [,,,] Accompanying Dr. G was a distant traveler from an astronautical world: his name was unknown, but he went by MC and said that his backstory consisted of being chased down by intergalactic bounty-hunters before landing on the planet of Dr. G. On that planet, he had a newfound purpose to write and create filthy beats. [,,,] Then there was… Austino. He was the one whom Dr. G despised with all his might but had to keep around for necessity. Austino was the one who'd make it his job to annoy all other characters and break the fourth wall as often as possible. He was the one whom, in past roleplaying sessions, Dr. G often tried to murder but kept reanimating to spite him… Oh, and there's Pandora, I guess. […] I might be misremembering this, but I'm pretty sure there were various homoerotic elements within it at various intervals, as there was a scene where Austino stops to showcase everyone else this cool thing he found online, and it was the Moby Huge (a three-foot dildo). […] It was weird as hell, and all I remember from the climax was that some green dude appeared at the end and foreshadowed what I'm doing now after an epic battle between a demon — created by Dr. G — that imitated the powers of MC. I think it was for the purpose of a hero's trial, or something? […] Dr. G later tried creating a cyberpunk roleplay, but it never went anywhere.

[rainberrydrops]

Tag Game: 100 Questions

Thanks for tagging me @theperksofbeingadreamer  ♥

Wow answering these questions felt like I am answering a slambook! I was in 6th grade when I last answered a slambook and that was years ago XD (okay, I sound like an old woman XD)

1. What is your nickname? Ries

2. How old are you? 19

3. What is your birth month? May

4. What is your zodiac sign? Taurus

5. What is your favorite color? Blue (all shades of blue!) and black

6. What’s your lucky number? none

7. Do you have any pets? Yes, two male dogs (Choconut and Chocolate, they are not brothers, btw) and two female kittens (Mallows and Butterscotch)

8. Where are you from? ✧ Philippines ✧

9. How tall are you? 4"11

10. What shoe size are you? 5 in US size (I'm Cinderella~ lmao)

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 6

12. Are you random? I'm not really sure what do you mean by this...

13. Last person you texted? I can't remember XD I hardly texted anyone because I prefer chatting them :3

14. Are you psychic in any way? No

15. Last TV show watched? evening news

16. Favourite movie? Until today, I still love The Sorcerer's Apprentice~

17. Favourite show from your childhood? Hmm... Powerpuff Girls, I think? XD

18. Do you want children? Yes! (but please not now okay, I am still too young for it XD lmao)

19. Do you want a church wedding? I don't think so (okay, what's with these questions hahahaha)

20. What is your religion? Christian

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yes, I was confined when I was 11 because I nearly got pneumonia but I am glad I was treated before it got worse

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? No

23. How is life? Same as always, still trying my best to figure out what the heck I will do after I graduate in college because I am still very indecisive about it :<

24. Baths or showers? Showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? I’m not wearing any socks right now

26. Have you ever been famous? No

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? No! I am afraid of getting too much attention so definitely not!

28. What type of music do you like? I like pop, pop rock, rock, Jrock, Jpop, OPM and instrumental music. I also listen to classical sometimes

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No and I don't know what the hell is that

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I sleep in on my side

32. How big is your house? small

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I like eating spaghetti for breakfast or 2 slices of bread. If I'm in the mood to fry something then I'll eat whatever I can fry + rice (I really like rice!)

34. Have you ever left the country? Nope but I wish I would sooner :D

35. Have you ever tried archery? Nope but I want to! I really like sports that doesn't require me to move too much

36. Do you like anyone? Romantically? Nope. But if it's just plain "like" as in "admiration" then yes I like my favorite Japanese actors and my friends :D

37. Favourite swear word(s)? wth, sht, wtf and damn (seriously, these questions keep getting weirder...) 38. When do you fall asleep? around 00:00 to 2:00 am ⇀‸↼‶ it depends on how active my mind is 39. Do you have any scars? Yes

40. Sexual orientation? Straight

41. Are you a good liar? it depends...

42. What languages would you like to learn? I want to be fluent in Japanese and Spanish ^^ and after that I want to learn Dutch (even though I always get tongue-tied XD)

43. Top 10 songs? Ninelie - Aimer ft. Chelly Want You Back - 5sos Young Blood - 5SOS In my Blood - Shawn Mendes Euterpe - Egoist No Namae no Kaibutsu - Egoist Dreaming Alone - Against the Current ft. Taka Jet Black Heart - 5SOS Disconnected - 5SOS Castaway - 5SOS

44. Do you like your country? Nature-wise, my country is very beautiful and that's one of the things I like. But government system-wise, economy-wise I am not happy (wow, surprise Ries cares about politics and government and stuff like that XD)

45. Do you have friends from the web? Yes! 

@theperksofbeingadreamer

@amia-springs

@suzunofuusuke

@yuuki-clyde

@reizenforlife

@fayemichaels

@just-otome

46. What is your personality type? INFJ-T

47. Hogwarts House? Gryffindor ♥

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yasss!

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Airis Riedel (MC of Lost Alice)

50. Left or right handed? Right

51. Are you scared of spiders? Nope

52. Favourite food? pizza and cookies and cream ice cream (that's not real food, Ries!)

53. Favorite foreign food? PIZZA! and I also love Mochi and takoyaki ^^

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Clean

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? What I usually do. It doesn't matter if I'm a girl or guy :D

56. What color underwear? Red (seriously, whoever made these questions there's something wrong with you XD lol just saying)

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? it depends on my mood

58. Do you have much of an ego? No

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Both (wait, why does it matter? =_=)

60. Do you talk to yourself? All the time (okay, I think I am crazy? XD) no seriously, for a writer it's a usual thing specially if you are trying to find your character's voice. It's really weird but yeah

61. Do you sing to yourself? YEAH! ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM AT HOME AND IN THE SHOWER!

62. Are you a good singer? I don't know. I'll ask my sister, she's the one who always hear me singing

63. Biggest Fears? Being unsuccessful and failure (same with @theperksofbeingadreamer)

64. Are you a gossip? No and why would I be one?  ⇀‸↼‶

65. Are you a grammar nazi? YES. VERY. MUCH.

66. Do you have long or short hair? medium length

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? NO

68. Favorite school subject? Hmm I think Journalism because that's my forte (I am in college so we have specialized subjects now and not the usual English, Science, etc.)

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No and I won't ever because I don't know how to swim T_T

71. What makes you nervous? it depends...

72. Are you scared of the dark? No

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Sometimes, but it's more like I give them advice rather than correct them because I prefer if they do the correcting part themselves for that will make them even better people

74. Are you ticklish? No, not at all

75. Have you ever started a rumor? No

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? No

77. Have you ever drank underage? No. I don't like the smell of any liquor so I haven't dared drinking any kind of liquor even until today

78. Have you ever done drugs? No and why would I? 

79. What do you fantasize about? it depends. It's tough being a writer, there's too much going on in my head (but I'm not crazy, don't worry XD)

80. How many piercings do you have? Two (earrings)

81. Can you roll your R’s? I think... nope?

82. How fast can you type? fast 83. How fast can you run? I am a fast runner :D

84. What color is your hair? Jet black

85. What color are your eyes? deepest shade of brown (at first glance it looks like black but if you look closer its actually brown)

86. What are you allergic to? Nothing

87. Do you keep a journal? Yes but it is just a notebook I use for keeping track of everything I have to do and I must do and a notebook where I write my poems

88. Are you depressed about anything? No

89. Do you like your age? Yes because I am almost an adult now and I am allowed to go anywhere I want by myself and go home late :D

90. What makes you angry? -annoying people -hypocrites -people who do not know the term "mind your own business" -people who do not bother contributing in groupworks -and many more! 91. Do you like your own name? I like my nickname Ries but my real name (Caries Ann Mae) nah, it's so lengthy and people always mispronounce "Caries" as "keh-riz" which means tooth decay rather than its actual pronunciation "kah-rees". And the meaning of my name is really lame so if I could choose, I'd rather want to be named "Ries Ann" :3 remove the "Ca and the Mae" XD

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? what the hell do you mean by this question?

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? BOTH

94. What talents do you have? I guess writing

95. Sun or moon? BOTH. WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SURVIVE IN THIS PLANET IF ONE OF THEM DISAPPEARED.

96. How did you get your name? My father's idea

97. Are you religious? No but I believe in God and I always pray and read the bible but I don't have any faith in any religion

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? No

99. Color of your bedspread? purple

100. Tumblr Bestie? @theperksofbeingadreamer  ♥ she’s my sister from another parents~

I’m not sure if you want to do this because this is so lengthy and some questions are really weird but I’ll tag you anyways @amia-springs @reizenforlife @otome-doll @suzunofuusuke @yuuki-clyde @just-otome @fayemichaels

[diariesof-kg]

Accountability.

08_12_21

I don’t have much to blog about.  I was thinking of not typing my blogs but record and post.  It would be easier for people to listen than read a 4-page letter about my thoughts.  This helps me cope with my thoughts, since they are all over the place and some things come to the forefront that I forgot about.  I want to take time to reflect slightly.  I want to take accountability for myself.  As I get more comfortable speaking about what happened to me for nine months, it’ll be easier to post it on my IG.  It’ll be easier for my followers to understand me.  To understand the mind of someone who lived in silent.

After everything ended, I cried for a week straight.  And it wasn’t no small cry, it was so bad, I couldn’t breathe.  It was so bad, I felt like I was so empty.  And as I reflect, I see myself sitting at the desk, trying to work and crying.  But I also see the light at the end that I could not see before.  I remember telling my therapist, that I was officially beyond repair.  And that I worked so hard to self heal from the same shit I told myself I would never deal with again.  That’s the accountability for myself.  After 2016, I worked very hard to heal with no therapy and was dating easily.  I was likeable asf.  So it hurts and I am disappointed in myself that I repaired me just to have to do the shit all over again.  I think when I think about that, I cry a lot.  Because I’ve been through so much and of course everyone watched my relationship on IG, because I posted it all over.  And when I got out, everyone was happy for me.  I am disappointed because I allowed myself to allow the things to happen to me.  The moment she appeared at my house unannounced because I didn’t come to dinner was a red flag to remove myself.  And I didn’t.  The moment when she cursed me out just for asking about posting photos of me and her, was a red flag.  There were so many flags waving and I ignored them.  I have to take responsibility for my ignorance.  Some of it is my fault, because I allowed it.  I told myself and I told God, I WOULD NEVER end up in a situation like I was years ago.  I had understood the signs of abuse, I had read so many blogs and articles.  But I fell hard and fast.

There is a lot of disappointment that I feel and although they tell me, it’s not your fault, it still sucks.  Maybe if I was less of a lover I wouldn’t feel this way.  I legit was going on dates and had no interest in anyone.  Although they really wanted to date me or see me again, I declined.  Plus I had booked this TV show and in order to get a Capricorn attention or time, you have to honestly work for it.  And I think this Taurus knew that.  That’s why it was so easy to capture my attention and so easy to get me.  And it sucks.  Especially when she said I flaked on her, when I really had to film this show.  That should have been some sort of sign from the universe to skip over this one and date someone else.  I feel so eh.... I am still trying to figure that out.  I am according to so many others “hard to get...” I am not hard to get, you just have to have that vibe that vibes with me.  I think I liked her from the conversation and I never felt that type of energy from any other women I went on dates with.  But still after that, I should have known.  By now I’d be proposing or some shit to the right women.  But instead I’m picking up the pieces of myself to start healing all over again. 

I don’t even have the energy to date.  I feel like I am stuck on her, like some weird ass soul-tie, but I no longer want her.  It took about 90 days to get rid of those feelings and wanting someone who never wanted you.  It was hard.  Despite having a restraining order, parts of me wanted to just talk to her, parts of me wanted to be intimate, parts of me never wished it happened.  But I realize that it was meant to happen.  And this portion, I can’t wait to share with the public, because the push-pull was real.  It’s a battle between your mind and heart.  It’s a battle between those on the outside.  But at the end of the day it was me who made the choices to remain strong and not fall for it.  I am also realizing that, I was used for the moment.  At the beginning she said she was talking to someone else before me and parts of me wished she chose the other girl.  Parts of me is wondering why me?  Was it easier to manipulate me?  Was it because I am a Capricorn and I love money?  Because of what?  I feel used.  I even feel more disgusted, because I broke my 90day rule of intimacy and later she tells me before our date she had sex with some female who had a whole girlfriend.  If that doesn’t scream RED FLAG, I don’t know what does.  I don’t condone infidelity.  I have to take responsibility for falling deaf on things that were clearly present.  I don’t date cheaters!!! And she’s a damn serial cheater.  I fault for myself again for just not paying attention.  If yall don’t understand how the signs were clearly present, I don’t even know.  I honestly don’t date cheaters and I am very adamant about that.  I never cheated in my life! So WTF.

And it’s so crazy how women think that I have multiple women when I don’t.  Yes I have women interested in me, but do I talk to them all at once, No!  We usually end as friends and they date someone else, while I’m single and they keep in contact, because they like me.  And when they do bring up about wanting me, I put them in their place, because if you do that, then you lose me as a friend, so they understand.  My phone has no lock or code on it.  You can look through my shit.  It’s mind boggling.  So the advocate today asked, what did you guys argue about the most?  And honestly there was no answer to that.  It was either I wasn’t communicating enough or I wasn’t doing what she wanted.  It’s got to be an issue with the Taurus, someone ask Chris Brown. Lol.  Like seriously my friend dated a Taurus and that taurus physically did harm.  You can’t tell me they are not violent.  She has a restraining order on that bish.  So.... if everything is good with a Taurus and a Capricorn except the communication is 3/5 then, what’s with the violence.  I don’t think anyone can decipher it, except all the taurus I spoke to said they love hard.  I love hard too, but you don’t see me controlling or manipulating anyone I dated.  I don’t need to be in control.  Just some sort of weird chemical imbalance to me.  

You know what sucks is my brother.  He never got along with other people I dated and he just jumped into her arms and was so happy.  Damn *insert sad face*  My brother matters and I always said, I can’t date people if you don’t get along with him, because humans with disabilities are beautiful and deserve the same recognition.  And it definitely shows your character.  One time he said her name and I had to explain to him, that she gone home and never to return.  Isn’t that crazy.  He doesn’t understand, but understands. I can’t tell him NO, don’t say that, because he would not understand it.  I feel sad about that, because my brother had a “friend” someone that acknowledged him and he loved that.  And I am responsible for sort of taking that away.  Plus he’s a dude he love thick women. Lol, I’m done with him, he’s a character. 

I need two days of a break from blogging.  Lol, My weekends are to relax.  But I am disappointed that I may not buy a Tesla, because it’s so damn complicated.  Like wtf Elon. Lol, I need to do an interview or an update, because I am so different now.  But like I said several celebrities follow that page and one I know.  And I just don’t have that confidence to be okay with them knowing, it’s so weird.  I mean when I meet H.E.R. like on some intimate shit, best believe we having a whole conversation. Lol. I did reach out to H.E.R. management though.  I am serious about her singing at my reception after I’m married.  

I still need to write this will and beneficiaries documents.  I am still very sure that my next partner can have my assets.  Because you honestly never know.  It’s not something I’d bring up on the first date, Lol, but it’s there.  I am always a planner.  I be two years ahead but still be stuck in the current year.  I do want to fall in love again.  It’s still there, maybe by 2022.  I thought I’d bounce back but I can’t and I’m impatient but I can wait.  But I signed up for classes, and I am going back to OT, so I really don’t have time for no one else unless they were persistent like she was, but even then I couldn’t trust them.  It’s a process.  It really is.  And of course I think once I feel this soul-tie completely break and separate Ill be ready.  And ignorance is a bliss.  Because I told her she was my person and when you say things out loud, the universe listens.  So that’s why it’s taking longer to move on.  I am so spiritual it sucks sometimes. 

It’s past 10pm and I need to sleep... until next time.

[alyjojo]

20 memories & isms I love about you.

1. He sent me flowers at work. Twice 🥰

2. He left work to help me fix my tire, outside my ex’s house. Never drove on a highway before that day. (no I shouldn’t have dated the guy, but that particular Gemini is the asc degree of our composite chart, he’s the reason we ever met at all, and hubby is the reason we broke up so...lesson learned)

3. He made me eat his mom’s food. Not only that but excitedly. He’d be like “mom is making hot spaghetti and you’re gonna come over and have some”...I’d say no thx 20 times but he wasn’t hearing it. Hot spaghetti day. I felt weird having someone’s mom cook for me. She probably felt weird too tbh, but he was so over the top happy about mom, food, and me, that it didn’t seem to matter and worked out fine 😆

4. He’s so forward, and bold as hell. I’m irritatingly shy and very guarded. Literally the only way he got me was because he’d act before I could really even think about it or think myself out of it. Winners mind.

5. He moved me into his moms house. I was not ok. Not not not. My pride is...well it exists, and burns like fire whenever help is given. I will never ask in all my life and idc, feels better that way. Will gladly die first. My rotors were broken though (I could write a book just about car problems fr), I needed two and it was gonna take awhile. I’d be in the city and he’d be way out there. He’s like nah. You stay. He insisted...and I stayed. Staying was not a me thing, he changed that.

6. He gave me a baby. After all of the years I didn’t have periods, needed pills to have a normal body, all of the times I talked myself out of that sort of life altogether because I clearly didn’t have the guy (ex was not a kid guy) or the working body parts to even do that, must not be for me. First time in our new apartment, boom baby.

7. First time in our slightly bigger and nicer apartment, boom baby 2. We started actually using protection after she was born. Clearly we can.

8. He worked stupidly long hours and put up with so many people that just had no fn clue, it put a strain on everything, most of all him. When he got the offer for Indy, I pushed it. And pushed it. And pushed. May as well have pushed him right out the door, we were going, because those people suck and you’ll never get the chance to be seen while you’re doing that glorified delivery guy’s job for him. We’re going. So, we did, and he got me out of this damn state. At least once.

9. He loved getting lost with me, and it was my favorite thing. Indiana is a beautiful state and I encourage anyone to get lost there, on purpose.

10. I forgot work. He caused some serious change. Everyone else lost their job, including hubby’s favorite person ever, Jonathan. Today he’s the sole survivor of a mom and pop shop, and I’m so unbelievably proud of him. The best part though, is two of the guys from work used to come see me at my new work all the time, with all their bar bitches 😆 They were my favorite people, I was always so excited to see them. Hubby tried to get them back on, and did for one of them. And when the bigger boss needed a new smaller boss bc hubby was leaving the state, hubby fought like hell for Jonathan. Like Highlander, there can only be one *sksksksksksk* They looked at a couple and hubs was like no only Jon knows the ways of the force. They hired him back, Jon has sent him some of the sweetest thank you messages...it changed his life, and hubs still loves him very much. It’s adorable.

11. Screamy baby Shmoo, she was a screamy baby, and so very beautiful. Baby Bam was like a dream, she was the perfect baby in every way. My screamy baby Shmoo was also a perfect baby, with a pitch that could break glass and sometimes she just wanted to practice for hours. Usually I got her to bed with mama snuggles & milk, singing Alison Krauss and rocking. Sometimes though, on the roughest nights, it’d be over an hour before I’d open the door with screamy baby still in a fit, and he’d take her. He’s so warm and calm, he’d win every single time, and I’d be like...zzzzz tysm ily tyty zzzz....

12. His jokes. He’s not funny (yes he is don’t tell him). He thinks he’s funny. He jokes all day every day about everything always. The girls know when dad says something to be skeptical bc he said they gotta go outside and till the land with tiny shovels, and when I roll my eyes they know he’s full of it. What’s funnier, his mom was the kind of person that took things literally always. Every time him and his goofy dad were being sarcastic, I’d have to tell her that because they’d have her believing crazy stuff. My kids share a lot of her isms, that’s one. My son absolutely does not joke, he is quite literal (so far), and I always have to scold hubby or tell lil guy nooooo he’s kidding. I don’t talk about his silliness nearly enough and I should, that’s him ❤️

13. His relationship with his mom. His mom was always on the...I wouldn’t say weaker side, but older, regular pain, on disability. He was her BABY. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when he entered the room. She loves him so so much. His sister... You know the kind, or...just imagine, probably close. He hated it. He got his job pretty young and just kept it. Always had money, always offered to help his mom, always was like IM FINE MOM. She just wanted to do for him, and he’s always been the kind of guy that wants to do for himself. And she was so funny, she’d slip $20 into the diaper bag and tell me “don’t tell him”, putting it on me. So we’d get in the car. And I’d be like there’s $20 in the diaper bag, knowing he’s gonna be pissed if he finds it (she needs it). And he’d get it, run into the house, set it on her table, and run out the door while she ran after him hollering protests 😆 Lots of other stories too. I miss her so much, I can’t even imagine how much he must.

14. His relationship with his sister, and other whirlwind people. He’s like a rock. I’ve spent lots of time with his sister, but not at once. The one day I did, I came home and my brain was so full of her bazillion ideas and impulsive let’s do this and just one thing, opposite thing, different subject, back to the subject, hey let’s do this, omg I have an idea. I love her to death but I had to sit and just...dump my brain. Ask myself for my own input bc I’d lost wtf...what were we doing again?!? Him though? Doesn’t miss a beat. No...no...no...I’ll think about it...no...no..change subject. No issue saying no. Back then I was like thank god, girl would have me on a cruise to Aruba tomorrow with costume jewelry and black face before I could even think to protest. Not him.

15. Making up. The difference between Taurus moon and Sag moon is that Taurus moon stays mad for the rest of their lives (hello...) and Sag moon wakes up in the morning like nothing happened in the history of ever. This was something that irritated me THE MOST. Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissed at you. Over the years, it became the only way we’d talk at all sometimes. Is certainly the only reason we made up, countless times. He never stopped trying to make me smile, even if I wanted nothing to do with it.

16. Acts of Service. Is not mine, which is either words time or touch and I really can’t decide which. All. He speaks a whole other language. He will let me nap, or take the kids somewhere, he will spontaneously clean or go grocery shopping, walk the dog, mow the lawn, hang out at the birthday party. It didn’t start right away, more and more as he learned my isms. He’ll make me coffee as I’m coming down the stairs. I rarely have to ever ask for any practical thing. He knows my orders for anything, recently there’s been twice that he literally read my mind before I spoke. I try to do the same for him as much as I can, because I know that’s his language and I really appreciate him.

17. Bedroom games. The man knows my body like a map, no, an Excel spreadsheet 😭, and how to get every reaction he’s looking for. He is the only man to ever satisfy my insatiable ass. He made me a whole new person in that regard. He says the same about me. Never an issue there. It’s this far down the list cuz it’s not the most important, but it’s pretty important too so there that is.

18. We share the same goals. We judge the same way, like why did they wrap this like that it looks sketchy. We parent the same. We decide the same. We critically think and weigh ideas the same. We walk the same line in the same direction. If anything he’s too negative sometimes, but that’s his own personal thing. Can’t be full of Capricorn and not lean more toward pessimism (not “realism”) sometimes I think. If it’s worth it, I’ll try to coax him to middle ground. Sometimes it’s a battle, but only if I’m really sure. Usually, he’s right, so I just let him lead.

19. When I was pregnant with my son. Initially. It was hell. His car was trashed, mine was broken and thousands of dollars to fix (this particular car in this particular year has this and what a coincidence it was particularly my problem...cars, I’m telling ya). I was two feet out the door with his shit, but his sister’s issues led to my heart. Because her kids. I love them very much, of course they can stay here and not with some strange person hell no. I cannot describe how angry I was at him. HE strapped backpacks onto his back and walked to the nearest store. Hauled so much crap in a huge backpack and just his arms. Over the course of two months. He quit drinking. He went above and beyond to do get offer or provide anything I could even imagine. More romantic then I think I’d ever seen him before. At least...it had been some time anyway. Of course...he was lying to me. The whole time. To what extent idk. Regarding the work shit, idk. Thus the question and the dream and the crazy and the...crazy 😞 Wanted to piss me off boy he got that tenfold. His actions during this time period are 💯 why I stayed. He was clearly trying like hell to prove to me he could try, and it’s more than anyone I’ve ever known has even bothered to “bother” with. I was impressed, and proud. Respect counts for a lot more than love sometimes, and at the time I respected him.

20. He’s an amazing father. There are so many stories I couldn’t possibly write them all. Our son though, he chose daddy, right from the start. Nothing like our daughters, nor any kid I’d known. He’d scream, FOR his dad. He’d only sleep on his shoulder. Hubby held this baby for hours on end. If he didn’t baby would demand it, but it was very natural to them both. Baby wanted a bottle, and hubby to give it to him. It blew my mind. Hubby got his little teammate and together they’ve changed my life and perspective in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.

I’ve spent so long sporadically venting on here that I don’t think I’ve ever posted the sweet things. So many great memories and daily...everything...are missing, so many years and little moments. That would take forever. Its always been my frustrations, which was the purpose. This is my heart. No matter what happens, all of these things will always be true.

[notatypicaldimension]

Tagged!

Thanks for tagging me @theragamuffininitiative ! 

I tag @hurtbyintensejourneys @thylovelylionheart @falconhawk9​ 

— what was your last…

1. drink: tea!

2. phone call: my mom.

3. text message: to a group chat with friends 

4. song you listened to: “Meltdown” by Lorde, Q-Tip, Push, HAIM, Stromae

5. time you cried: uuuhhh I think it was a couple of days ago, when I was just trying to get out of some pretty bad states and actually felt OK enough to cry so it was a good thing! 

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: No.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: No.

8. been cheated on: No.

9. lost someone special: Sorta....if the term is used quite broadly.

10. been depressed: Haha. Yes. Ofc. 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Niet. 

— fave colours

12. Purple, or gray/black scale probably. 

13. I actually quite like brown....so maybe that? 

14. Hm. Probably a deep navy? Like a sailor outfit blue? 

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yes. Absolutely. 

16. fallen out of love: No. 

17. laughed until you cried: lol yes (thank you to theinsanereader for your book wedding video)

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes! 

19. met someone who changed you: Hahahahah...yeeeesss. Helped me a lot tbh. 

20. found out who your friends are: In a way. Like it’s not that I didn’t know before, it’s more like now I understand it better in terms of human leanings etc. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Uuuhhhhh....no, not on the lips.

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: Nearly everyone, there are a few I only know via the internet somehow, but I still know them from everyday things, or I have already met them.

23. do you have any pets: Nope!

24. do you want to change your name: No. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Oh boy. It was a weird day but good. I spent time with a cute lil kiddo, went on a walk and saw lots of flowers, watched an episode of doctor who, went out for starbucks with a friend, and got to hold a baby amongst some other more ritualistic things. 

26. what time did you wake up today: like, 10:30 or so. 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Probably just listening to music and...um...maybe writing down in my diary or something?? idek.

28. what is something you can’t wait for: Hmm...this is gonna sound lame but fr I have very little social life so seeing a couple of friends once their schooltime frees up a bit more or whatever....oh! and also my little sister is competing this weekend o I can’t wait to go and watch her and her team :)

30. what are you listening to right now: Static, for the most part, and in the muffled background, my family just doing everyday things (lil screeches, telling offs, whAT?! etc.) lol. 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: For sure. 

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: HA. The government, and some approaches that the American Evangelical Church seems to be oblivious to or non-sympathetic smh. 

33. most visited website: “Youtube and Tumblr are probably about equal.” (lol same)

34. hair colour: Brown. 

35. long or short hair: Long..

36. do you have a crush on someone: No... at least I don’t think so. Idek if I get crushes or whatever idek it’s confusing moving on

37. what do you like about yourself: Ooh. I like that the single most re-occuring obstacle in my life is that I’m so confusing to both myself (im still learning its ok to be me) and the entire world that it’s very, VERY conflicting in odd ways and that that is what makes everything mean things to me.....it’s like my essence etc. and I now know my main passion etc......tl;dr I like that I’ve figured out what the single epitome of most of what I am is and how its path has severely been distraught, and that though it’s going to take a lot of work to get back, it’s also just going to be the most incredible thing. 

38. want any piercings: nope.

39. blood type: sis, if y’all think I’m gonna put out vip information like that on this already crackhead-justice owned website by same-type  company like yahoo, y’all are w r o n g.  

40. nicknames: Uuuuhhhh. idk. @hurtbyintensejourneys​ , you should give me one. 

41. relationship status: Single. And probably most definitely not ready to mingle (but it’s ok! I’ll be someday, sometime soon...ish)

42. sign: Taurus. But I don’t follow horoscopes. 

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: Idek anymore....I love Lie to me, and like rags said, Fringe (tho I am still on like s2 aahh), and maybe Doctor who? I actually love Granite flats and GMW/BMW as well tho. 

45. tattoos: Nope.

46. right or left handed: Right-handed. 

47. ever had surgery: Nope. 

48. piercings: No.

49. sport: Alrighty; look, I will watch just about anything even though I’m bad at it....I think it has something to do with an interest in developing my recognizing of stuff/talent???? also it’s v cool. 

50. vacation: uuuhhh????? Probably my last “”vacation”” was in California? idek. 

51. trainers: I think they’re Nike. 

— more general

52. eating: I just want some sushi right now. The good stuff tho. NOt the *shudders* doobly-tasting kind. I love Asian food that’s not spicy tho. That’s some real bod-foodspiration right there for me.

53. drinking: Water, tea, juice that’s actually juice...... fresh smoothies. 

54. I’m about to watch: probably just safe-feeling trailers for me, so like, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl or something. 

55. waiting for: My mental health/processing desire to buffen up a little so I can actually start doing things again maybe (that’d be nice). Perseverance, basically, I guess.

56. want: Soundproof area maybe, to record //things//? A small local group of friends. 

57. get married: At some point, maybe. I’d not be surprised if I end up single tho. BUt I feel like I won’t which is....honestly.....sorta scarier for me rn dfhbjdhsbjdf

58. career: lol. idk. God’s plan? 

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: eyes, I think.

61. shorter or taller: taller

62. older or younger: depends

63. nice arms or stomach: niCe ArmS oR SToMacH? (bruh idk)

64. hookup or relationships: relationships is the only way to go, and not only in romance my friends. 

65. troublemaker or hesitant: Uuuhhh....hesitant. but you know what...imma pretend I come off as, like, a fine brand so. Hésitante. 

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: No lol. 

67. drank hard liquor: No. Thank GOD. 

68. turned someone down: Only one (1) time. Sorta. 

69. sex on first date: N o. 

70: broken someone’s heart: I actually don’t know. I don’t think so. I hope not. 

71. had your heart broken: Not like that, but also yes. At least a little. It’s sorta like having to go back and unstitch a stitch of yourself that’s all messed up; you thought you’d be ok with moving on from it, except ways further along you realise that you can’t and then having to go undo everything and start back up but even then your thread is all folded up and a little extra rugged. 

72. been arrested: No. 

73. cried when someone died: I want to say yes. But I actually am not sure. For sure, in fictional chracters so....(dad from my big fat greek wedding voice) there you go

74. fallen for a friend: No....I don’t think so. 

— do you believe in

75. yourself: Sorta. But inherently? yes. 

76. miracles: !!!! yes! If y’all knew some of the stories I’ve known....I love God so much I can’t even. It’s so marvelous. I just....Ah!

77. love at first sight: Yes, but only because I think it’s like some weird intuitive thing that’s legitimate for some people. Or maybe even a spiritual thing sometimes? 

78. santa claus: “He exists in every way that counts.” 😂 looolll

79. angels: Yes. Again, if y’all knew...

— misc

80. eye colour: brown

81. best friend’s name: I don’t have a best friend rn. 

82. favourite movie: Idk. 

83. favourite actor: Idk!

84. favourite cartoon: *Idk intensifies*

85. favourite teacher’s name: Not gonna say any specific names, but probably my German teacher in middle school, or 5th grade teacher. Also, non-official teacher friend man who taught me abstract concepts way beyond my grade level. I love them so much and they continue to have a very important impact in my life voyage. 

[thewitchandthebeasthimself]

The Witch and The Beast Himself: Chapter 13

[So I’ve decided I’m going to end this fanfic at chapter 20 then move on to a brand new Durarara related fanfic. There’s only going to be mentions of Shizuo during these next couple of chapters, but a lott of plot development! Enjoy! <3]

As promised, I was released from the hospital the next day, and I couldn't have been more ecstatic to finally be out of there. Upon leaving the hospital, I made a promise to myself that until Izaya is caught I will not let my guard down and that I will keep barriers up wherever I go until he is dealt with once and for all.

Erika and the van gang, with the exception of Walker, swung by to pick me up from the hospital and took me back to my apartment. Erika talked my ear off almost the whole way there.

“I’m so excited you’re finally out!” She pipped excitedly. “Did ya hear there’s an anime con coming up in the next couple of weeks?”

“No I didn’t,” I said, finally giving her my ears. Anime cons always sounded so exciting here; it’d actually be really fun to go to one. “Where is it going to be?”

“It’s going to be at the Sunshine City Convention Center!” She said excitedly. “You should go with us! Everyone from my cosplay group is going to be there, it’ll be a lot of fun!”

"I’m sure it will be!” I said. “Do you know who you’re going to go as?”

“We decided that we were going to group cosplay as the girls from Angel Beats!” Erika said. “I’m for sure going as Yuri, Kanai wants to go as Yui, Azusa wants to go as Shiina, so… is there anyone from Angel Beats that you wanna cosplay?”

“Is Kanade taken by anyone?” I asked.

“Actually, no she isn’t!” Erika’s jaw seemed to drop as she thought about it. “You’d be so perfect as her, (your name)! You two are actually kind of alike in a way! All you need is her outfit, a wig that matches her hair, and some matching contacts! Oooh this’ll be so exciting!”

“Yeah I can't wait!” I said excitedly with her. “I'll have to order my costume online as soon as I get home, do you think it would be here in time before the con?”

“It should be,” she said.

“Well I am definitely attending this!” I said excitedly. I noticed that Kyohei and Saburo were quiet the entire time I've been in the van with them.

“Hey, you guys have been quiet up there, are you two okay?”

“Yep, we were just letting you have your little nerd fest back there.” Saburo teased.

“So have you thought about how you're going to deal with Izaya yet?” Kyohei asked, changing the conversation.

“We've been brainstorming,” I said.

“Okay,” Kyohei replied, resting his elbow on the window as we rode to my apartment. “What exactly is he planning? Why did he even attack you in the first place?”

“Celty still thinks its because of my relationship with Shizuo,” I stated. “So now that he sees him happy, he can't stand it; so he's going after the both of us.”

“Ugh, this is pointless, Izaya.” he pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “Well, you already know that if you need help from us then you can call Erika.”

“Yep I do, you guys are awesome,” I said thankfully.

“Heh no problem at all.” he said. We came to a stop as we pulled up to my apartment.

“Off ya go!” Saburo said as he parked.

“You gonna be alright by yourself in there?” Kyohei said as I got out of the van.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said as he rolled down his window to talk to me. “I’m probably gonna see if I could go work for a bit, I need the money.”

“We thought you lost your job.” Erika said out of the open van door.

“No, Shizuo went up to my job and told them what happened, and apparently they told him that I can return to work when I felt better.” I said.

“Oh okay, well we’ll come by sometime!” Erika clapped her hands together. “Also, don’t forget to order your costume for the anime con!” she said as she shut the van door.

“We’re gonna head out, be careful out there, okay?” Kyohei warned.

I nodded to him and waved before they drove off. Something did seem a bit off about him as he spoke to me, so I gave it some thought on the way up the steps to my apartment. I noticed that his energy gave off a genuine concern for me. I didn’t notice it before but he also gave off an energy to me that he had had a very recent incident that shaped him into who he is now, a more kind and caring soul that seeks to help others through their troubles much like he himself had experienced in the past. I wonder if…  

...Car accident ...  the buzzwords rang through my head as I thought about what that could’ve been.

Huh, my intuition is never wrong, I thought as I unlocked the door. Maybe he feels like he needs to be a bit more protective over me because he also had a traumatic accident much like I had recently? I guess it made sense for him to be that way. Especially since I’ve heard that he was looked up to by a lot of people here.

I decided not to give it much more thought as I stepped inside of my apartment and locked the door behind me. The place was still kind of a mess because of Izaya’s invasion; some of my books were strewn on the ground, my box of supplies that I kept in my room was drug out into the living room and pilfered through. I sighed as I cleaned up the mess and put everything back in it’s place. I brought a dragonsblood incense into the living room and lit it, sticking the other end into the burner. I breathed in the refreshing smell of the incense, the sensation I felt as I exhaled instantly calming me.  Despite the mess in my living room, I didn’t realize how much I missed this place until I stepped through the door and came into contact with the familiar sights and smells of my ingredients, incense, crystals, and herbs. All of these things were my own, and that was not going to change, no matter who tried to invade my personal life.

After cleaning up the mess, I brought my laptop into the living room and set it down on the coffee table so that I could order my Kanade Tachibana outfit, wig, and contacts. I opted for an outfit that was a size bigger than what I’m used to wearing, because I knew it would probably fit me best.

I chuckled to myself as I placed the order for the cosplay set. Who knew that a witch such as myself was also into cosplaying? I guess it would seem a bit odd to some, but for me, this was my chosen lifestyle.

Next, I closed my laptop and brought out some ingredients to prepare my protection spell. I also pulled out my Book of Shadows and pen to aid me in creating the perfect spell to keep out the likes of Izaya.

I flipped through my book to a clean page and wrote in the header, Protection Spell.

Underneath of it, I wrote out some columns geared towards helping me build the spell.

Astral candle:

Day candle:

Moon phase:

Hour:

Intention:

Crystals:

According to the old ways, how you used each of these columns are very important when it came to spell building. “Astral candle” is a candle that I will associate to the target’s star sign.

Now that I thought about it, I never got to know him well enough to even know what his birthday is. I picked up my phone to text Celty,

 [ Hey, I know this might be weird, but would you happen to know what Izaya’s birthday is? I’m preparing a spell.]

I waited a few moments before she texted me back, saying,

  [Shinra might know, let me ask him.]

I set my phone down so continue building the spell. “Day candle” is the day of the week that would be best to perform this spell on and an associated candle color. I had a whole list written down in my Book of Shadows that allowed me to easily look this up. After finding the direct association, I found that this spell would best be performed on a Tuesday and its color association would be red. I flipped to the page I was writing my spell down on and wrote Tuesday (red)  next to “day candle:”. I felt a buzz come from my phone to see the text back from Celty:

 [ Shinra said it’s May 4th.]

  [ Okay thanks, I’ll explain what I’m doing the next time I see you. ]

 [ Just be careful. ] Celty texted back.

I set the phone down so that I could finish preparing the spell. Celty just told me that Izaya’s birthday is on May 4th, meaning that he is a Taurus. I found in my Book of Shadows that the astral candle I would pick for him would be a red candle. I made note of this next to “astral candle:”. Next to “moon phase:”, I wrote “waning”, meaning that I would perform this spell on a waning moon phase, because waning moon phases are best for performing protection spells or spells where you are trying to get closure on something big.

I found that the best time of the day to perform this spell would be at 10 P.M. because that time would best be suited for my intention. I noted that next to “Hour:”. For my intention, I wrote, “Protection from Izaya Orihara, no matter where this spell is cast”. And finally, after skimming through one of my crystal books, I wrote down “smokey quartz”, “amethyst”, and “obsidian” next to “crystals;”. I figured it’d probably best to go ahead and prepare the written part of the spell next, but then decided against it since I’ve been great at coming up with the words in the midst of performing a spell. I looked over what I had written, marked the page by bending the top left corner of the page down, then closed the book. I took a breath out, relieved the building part of the spell is over. For me, preparing the spell is usually the most time consuming part of spell working, but proves to be very effective if I plan out what I’m going to do before I do it.

I set my books down on the coffee table next to my laptop and went into my room to change into my work clothes.

Hopefully they’ll let me back in since I was gone for so long , I thought. I grabbed my keys, walked out the front door and closed it behind me, locking it. For extra, but temporary protection, I took a deep breath in, imagined the color red and a shield over my door. I let it out, allowing the image I seen in my head to manifest in front of me. A transparent shield covered the front door of my apartment, which will hold until I return from work.

After shielding my front door, I felt a familiar suppressed energy to my left. I look over to find Anri coming out of her apartment too. She wore her black hoodie dress that showed off her surprisingly curvy figure rather well.

“Oh hey, Anri,” I smiled. She turned to face me, her eyes widening.

“(your name)!” Anri gasped, “When did you get out of the hospital?”

“Today, actually,” I said.

“Really? And you’re going to work? Shouldn’t you stay home?”

“I mean, I feel fine right now so I figured I should go work for a bit to catch up on rent and what not.” I said, rubbing my left side where I was stabbed. It only seemed to hurt whenever I made sudden sharp movements, which I decided that I would be careful on.

“Okay, if you think you’re okay then go for it.” Anri shrugged. “Well, I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.” She bowed to me then walked past me down the steps.

“See ya.” I walked down the steps behind her to head off to work. As she began to turn in the opposite direction that I was going, I suddenly remembered about the day I was stabbed, the shadowy figure that attacked Izaya, and how Shizuo referred to it as “Saika girl”.

If she isn’t too busy I should probably ask her about it before she takes off, I thought.

“Hey Anri!” I called out to her.

She turned around to look at me. “Hmm?”

“Are you super busy?”

“Well I was going to go meet up with one of my friends, but that’s not too important at the moment, I guess, What is it?”

“I need to talk to you about something, would you mind to walk with me to work? I’ll make you a free coffee.”

“Um okay, sure,” She walked up to me and fell in step with me as we walked down our quiet street to the coffee shop.

“So what is it?” Anri asked.

“I’m just curious about something.” I began. “Shizuo called you ‘Saika girl’ and said that you were the one that stopped Izaya the day he stabbed me, do you have any idea what that means?”

“Oh, ummm…” She appeared hesitant to answer me, and upon asking her I thought I could sense a… very… hungry, evil, and obsessive energy coming off of her. It felt very strange since she normally somehow suppresses her energy; it's almost as if it decided to seep through for a split second upon my questioning. Is this why she does so? I honestly can’t ever imagine her being associated to the energy I just felt.

I heard her grunt, but she didn’t answer my question.

“Anri? Are you hiding something? Something… unnatural?”

She hung her head down slightly and frowned as we walked, as if she felt ashamed and embarrassed.

“If you are, its okay. I could feel it, and I can understand why you don’t want anyone knowing about it.”

She remained unresponsive. I felt kind of horrible, as if I were interrogating her.

“I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk about it then I understand. If it makes you feel any better, I’m not exactly a human either.” I leaned in towards her to half-whisper, “I’m a witch.”

I caught her eyes widen at my revelation, but she still did not look up or ask about it. Unsure of what to do, I moved back from her and said, “I know it may not seem like it since I got myself stabbed, but this is who I’ve been since I was a little girl. I could demonstrate some of my power, but I’ve already had enough suspicion of that online.”

“I know what you are.” She said hastily as she finally spoke.

“You what?” I looked up, confused, “How?”

“Saika told me when it had first sensed you,” she looked up at me to finally meet my gaze. “One of the reasons I brought you cookies that day was because Saika and I were curious of you. ”

“Oh,” I said, slightly confused. “So what exactly is Saika then? Is it, like, a voice in your head or something? I can tell that it’s very strong and that you have to keep it suppressed.”

“You’re right,” Anri said. She looked down as she held up her hand. Suddenly, it appeared as if the tip of a blade flew up out of the palm her hand. The blade that she showed me had a very distinct silver glow to it, just like the shadowy figure had. The blade literally had its own red aura.

“Whoa!” I said, a bit taken back. So it was her! I was fascinated by her strange power, but something else had also came to mind upon seeing it.

“Wait a minute, that blade kind of tiny. The figure that I seen that night had a whole katana.”

“This is it,” she said. “This is only a piece of it so that I could show it to you. This is a demon blade called Saika.” The blade then seeped back into the palm of her hand as she put her hand down. “It has an obsession with loving the human race. Where we express our fondness through words and actions such as hugging or kissing, it can’t love like us because it is a sword, so it loves by cutting humans and making them it’s ‘children’. The way it does so is that it cuts someone it possesses it like a host, making them have glowing red eyes while under its possession and making them slash others to create other smaller saikas.

“There are a few others like me that can keep Saika from taking over our bodies, but for others no so much,” she continued. “I’ve met a girl that was driven crazy by Saika’s influence. And I’ve met a woman that was able to modify her Saika.”

“Oh wow, that’s… that’s kind of scary, but kind of cool.” I said. “Have you considered having it removed?”

“I can’t,” she said. “If it weren’t for Saika, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I am repaying my debt to it by allowing it to live inside of me, but not allowing it to take over my body.”

“Oh okay, I see, so you’ve made kind of a pact with it.”

She nodded. We stopped outside of the coffee shop to finish our conversation.

“Okay,” I said. “Well, I just wanted to say thanks for attacking Izaya before he got away with some of my blood on his knife. Not like he really knew how to use it to begin with.” I smirked.

She made a small laugh as well. “Yeah. And its no problem, I’m sure you would’ve done the same for me if the roles were reversed.”

“Yep.” I opened the door and allowed her to walk past me then stepped into the shop myself to begin working.

[imtiredoftendingtothisfire]

What do I actually want?

Not a post I expected to be writing 24 hours ago, but some developments came about which have required my deliberation. The boy in previous posts has come back into the picture and we have been dating again to see where things can go. Everything was promising until last night when he raised the question about being young and not having much chance to explore the dating world, and the foreverness and certainty of a relationship. It brought into question whether I am in love with him, or the idea of him....

After 14 months and roughly 4-5 false starts many would have given up hope of trying to make things work, and ultimately I was ready to walk away both recently and in July because I could not deal with the hot and cold any longer, but something always brought me back. Being a Taurus it takes me a while to get warmed up but once I have a feeling about someone I will go all in and commit, and try and try until I believe I cannot try any harder, because I’m stubborn and don’t like to give up. But why am I trying? The first comparison that springs to mind is the UK leaving the EU, do they want to achieve Brexit because of what would happen, or because they’ve fought for it for so long and though new information has come to light along the way the believe they should stick to their guns wholeheartedly.

I’ve had some pretty shitty relationships over the past 8 years and I’ve been damaged by them, something I’m still dealing with now, but with every relationship I can gather information and learn more from it and about myself as to how I be my best self and what I would seek in a partner. I’ll describe what I think I want below.

In my imagination, we would be equal parts our own people, strong on our own and stable enough to be our own unique individuals, however I also would love to be a solid unit of solidarity, equal partners in crime, those that rely on each other and can do whatever together. Not necessarily do everything, but have the option. I look at couples who post everything on social media, and those who post nothing. I would love for someone to look at either myself or my partner’s social media and think “they’re cool, they have a lot of friends, aw they have a boyfriend, they travel so much, ooo he’s seen this Drag Race girl”, I would hate for every post to be joined yet also I would hate to feel invisible. If I’m in a situation that is posted about then tag me, rather than risk redacting me from events and life. I want a partner who I can go for dinner with and drinks, we just enjoy each other’s company and talk nonsense about our favourite tv shows or people we know or memes.

Enjoy the little moments together in bed or on a Sunday afternoon. I want them to have their space and I mine, often gay couples can easily intertwine to the point it’s impossible to decipher who is who anymore. I would love to develop over some weeks and months to getting so close and happy with someone that they would feel proud to call me their boyfriend and the same for me.

Gradually spending more time together to develop that connection and unity. The more time you spend sharing moments and memories the faster the connection grows, which is why so many gay couples will declare love after 3 weeks because they’ve spent every day together for that time, but conversely only spending 1 night a week together each week for 3 months is no time at all. Until a couple are living together or on holiday I don’t think you should have more time with the person than you would alone, otherwise you risk losing yourself, and for most people that is hard to grasp.

Now turning to the boy in question. At moments over the previous year I have genuinely thought to myself “he makes me so happy. I think I may have tha PT genuine deep love for him” yet I’d always hold back in saying anything for fear of being rejected, and then a hiccup would come along and shake the dynamic and we’d start 10 steps further back, meanwhile I would have to rebuild that trust, familiarity and connection with him. Last Halloween after 8 weeks of dating we officially went exclusive, and 3 weeks later I realised he said he may love me, and until this point I had been very bláze about the relationship because I was keen to not jump into anything, but at this point I knew my heart was in it.

Things clicked. Firstly I found him visually beautiful, his eyes were so intriguing and desirable, I couldn’t help but find myself gazing at him, and realised I might seem crazy so tried to stop. We have so much in common be in pop culture references, music, movies, drag, Vega sim, desires to travel, plans for marriage, kids etc. In my opinion there’s too much to throw away because it’s impossible to find someone with all these things that you have such a connection with. Of course I’m in love with the idea of a future with him. I have a vivid imagination accompanied with a pragmatic approach to life, and can realistically seeing how things would fall into place and progress over the next few years, and maybe that’s leading to me get ahead of myself.

He on the other hand is in two minds, despite being the one twice lately to ask for another chance, however after this I seemingly appear to be the one clutching at that potential whilst he gets cold feet. There’s a weird bittersweet situation here as I think I do love him, but after being hurt and cut out so many times over the last year I think my heart is equal parts devoted and confused. It doesn’t want to fully commit because it fears it may end badly again, but the fondness, appreciation and desire is still present. I tell myself I need those little cute date like moments to rebuild the relationship between us and to have that run of emotional growth and blossoming.

I don’t know what will happen down the line but I know I am definitely interested enough in this boy to want to see where this goes. The way he laughs, the way he thinks, the way he works and wants things, the way he operates with his friends, the way he is with me. I love it. Of course there are a lot of things that I’m not hugely fond of, like his reluctance to join certain social events or the family, but that comes with time. I wouldn’t want to introduce someone to my family if I wasn’t sure it was the long haul.

Love is a weird thing. I have had 3 relationships before, 2 of which I claimed to have loved the other person, though only 1 I would say I meant it at the time. In hindsight, was that feeling legit and real? Was it love or codependence? It wasn’t love. It was naïvity and lack of esteem. I was 17 when we got together and 21 when we broke up, but we declared love after roughly 2 months and after 13 months he cheated and it broke me. I stayed in that for a further 2 years pointlessly but at that age I didn’t know any better. That love I felt was so Disney and cliché but it wasn’t love.

Love for me is that constant underlying gut feeling that that person is awesome, like a river flowing. Sometimes it flows rapidly and other times the waters are calm, but it’s constant. The moment when you see them across the room and just can’t help but smile. You would do anything to walk down the street holding their hand or just having tha extra moment to speak to them about the most stupid thing. I don’t know if that’s love, but that’s what I’d describe it as.

So what do I want? Honestly, I just want to be happy and not feel any kind of anxiety, or worry, or feel nervous. I want to feel confident and secure, whether that be with someone or not. I would love for someone to compliment my life and not hold it back, whether physically or emotionally. I want to be my best self but equally the best with someone else at their best, and if I have to help them become their best then I’m game. What I don’t want is to feel on edge, or that I’m an after thought, or forgotten, because to me that is what partners are. Partners are equal and support one another, but ensure that they do not compromise themselves for someone else.

With regards to the boy in question. I do think I love him. Right now not in that euphoric rush of emotion we get shown in romcoms, but that constant steady feeling within my stomach and my knowing. I can safely say that I can see myself being happy with him down the line, and happy with him now. All I really want to do is to do things with him however big or small, but together. I want to build those moments and memories and be there for each other in both the good times and the bad. I want the best friendship and support system, and I want to support him, I know in myself I’m secure and I can rely on myself, and he’s someone I will open up to and look for reassurance from should I need it. I just hope he feels the same. Sure the future seems appealing and is something I’m considering, but it would be foolish to ignore it and not look forward to it. But in the day to day, I just want to get to that comfortable happy state.

Ultimately not everything is up to me or what I want, in this situation it’s about two people. The things I have learned about myself with this boy are unreal. I have grown within myself and feel way more secure and ready for life in general thanks to what we’ve been through together, it just makes me sad that we’re not in the happy home run period. I feel like we can be one day soon, thought from my perspective I need those little moments of just being together and in each other’s company to get there. Taking those little steps to building something great. I plan to forget the future and what might happen down the line or potential or anything, and just focus on the day to day feelings. If I feel like I want to enjoy the every day and the now, and one day I will look back and realise everything else has happened along the way.

This was a really long post and I’m not sure what I’ve accomplished, despite my constant analysis of everything. Though I know how I feel and what I want. It’s hard to verbalise this to the boy. But here goes...

[happydarkthoughts]

A Skeptical Believer Rates Magic

If you know me at all you must know that I’m somewhat weird or just a product of my generation and Urban Outfitters marketing and so I do believe in magic. My overall theory on magic or I guess I should say magick with a “k” (like doing spells and shit) was that it doesn’t matter whether it’s “real” or not, that what it most likely does is creates an action and ritual that sends a message to your subconscious mind, kind of like a mantra, and that the repetition and devotion of time and materials to whatever it is helps you to create it in your own world because it reinforces something in you.  Recently the resurgence of psychic mediums (see “Psychic Seatbelt” on Lifetime) has gotten me questioning all of it. I go through this phase every so often in my life, where I question everything. I think the questioning is important. I belong to some “magic” or “witch” communities (mostly online, but somewhat in person too) and the thing I find very frustrating about those groups is that none of them seem to want to question it at all - but then when I’m asking for examples of their experience or how it works for them they just get really defensive. I dunno, as I’ve written about re: Esalen I’m super wary of cults or of not shaking things up and recalibrating every so often. I have always loved this TED Talk about the interconnectedness of faith and doubt. I think that sums it up for me. 

So anyway that said, I’m a little annoyed with all the woo woo shit right now (even though a part of me does love it and “practice” it) so I’m going to go ahead and rank it all on a scale of 1 (being total bullshit) to 10 (meaning it’s legit) so that I know at least where I stand personally as of August 2018:

ASTROLOGY (9/10) I love astrology, it’s one of my faves. At a party some dude got all annoyed with us for talking about it and said it was bullshit and I said, “saying it’s bullshit is bullshit. That’s like saying poetry is bullshit. The point isn’t necessarily for it to be “accurate” -- if you read certain astrologers it’s more like they’re offering a weekly sermon that’s just based on astrology charts. It’s one of those things that really depends on the astrologer, first of all, and how you use it in your life and it’s not about it being ‘real’ it’s about the emotional value you get from thinking about your life in that paradigm.” Yeah, I still stand by that. I think it’s why astrology has never let me down and why I’ve questioned it the least out of everything. Most of the astrologers I read never try to predict the future anyway -- it’s always very much more about what’s going on in the present moment and what you are navigating, how to cope, what your soul lessons are, etc. I read all the ‘scopes at this point because as you might know if you follow my tumblr some weeks I feel more like a Taurus than a Cancer and maybe that’s because my Jupiter is in Taurus lol. Anyway, I think there’s something to it - it’s not so radical to me that the movements of the actual Universe would reflect something in our universe, and beyond that most astrologers have to do a lot of actual study to be any good and the practice is ancient too so it feels less bullshitty to me. It’s like the right brain’s version of astronomy. 

TAROT (6/10) 

Maybe a 6/10 is too generous, or not generous enough. I could go on a super long tarot rant but I’ll try to keep it succinct.  I feel very strongly that you should be very careful who you do a tarot reading with. I have definitely encountered more scam artists this way than not. The thing is most people don’t know what the cards mean and so it’s easy for them to not go into depth on anything and just make up shit people want to hear. I believe some readers are good and genuine, but I think they are generally not working out of a psychic store, you can probably follow them online, and hopefully they don’t charge insane amounts.  ALSO I think in my understanding for tarot to really work it should be a conversation with the client about what’s going on in their life. I think we all go into a reading expecting the reader to be psychic and it’s more like a parlor game where we want someone to know some magical specific facts about us to prove it’s “real.” I think it’s mostly not real though. I think that the value of tarot, in my experience, is that the cards do have a lot of imagery and meaning and so you can use that to spark ideas, make connections that you were struggling with, or bring to the surface something you knew but didn’t know you knew. That’s when it’s been most effective for me and when it’s felt like it’s “worked.” And a good tarot reader is just like a good therapist - they help you ask questions and come to understandings but you do the work with them and they (and in this case the cards) are a catalyst to get to those conclusions.  Tarot to me is a word association tool. “Eight of Cups” means “moving on from a situation” and I asked about my friendship with so and so and I’m feeling like we’re growing apart and so this just confirms to me that might be the case and to feel okay and peaceful with it -- and I know some people think you shouldn’t read for yourself but I feel like you maybe should only read for yourself (unless you find someone who really knows the cards and isn’t trying to pull a fast one on you) and also take it with a huge grain of salt.  I’ve been using my tarot cards while writing lately. It serves the same purpose. It helps me reconnect with the ideas I already had but had forgotten, and then sometimes I pull cards that don’t resonate with me at all for my project so I just throw them back in the deck.  In summary: I don’t think tarot is totally magical or mystical or provides divine messages, but I don’t think that means it’s useless either. 

YOGA (10/10) Much less to say on yoga because it’s more straightforward. It’s great exercise, I love flowing, some teachers are better and resonate with me more than others and provide a work out that I like more for my body. It helps me connect with my breath and work muscles I wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a spiritual component sure and I do believe that the body carries emotion and so moving your body helps you work through emotion (ie. you feel less depressed when you work out more than when you’re sedentary all the time). So yeah. Yoga is great.  MEDITATION (10/10)  I use headspace and I don’t always meditate 20 minutes a day. Lately I’ve been a little lazy about sitting and breathing (which is ironic because sitting and breathing is seemingly doing “nothing”) but it’s really helped me to become more mindful of everything and I feel significantly more peaceful than I did a year ago. At the beginning of July I remember thinking, “wow I can’t believe how much better I feel than I did a year ago and it’s like nothing outside of me has changed, and the only thing that has changed is myself and so maybe it’s good nothing externally has changed yet because it’s helped me to see how far I’ve come internally.”  Meditation is all about training the mind, knowing yourself, creating space for your emotions, acceptance and self-acceptance, finding peace and calm, not trying to change anything, learning how to just “be,” etc. I find that the practice can be totally secular and there is science behind it too. Meditation is very slow to work and to see “results” and you are technically asked to do it without seeing any results because results are not the point because meditation is essentially not about achievement, but it has really helped me more than anything else. I’ve quit smoking weed for the most part and am really cutting down on alcohol too. I don’t think I could have been able to do those things without meditation. I am also 90% vegetarian now. I dunno. I love meditation. It’s subtle, a life-long practice, has practical results and applications. Plus, a totally personal journey and so you can’t be scammed so much.  PSYCHIC MEDIUMS (0/10)

Psychic mediums are totally bullshit and also gross because they’re exploiting grieving families. If you asked me if I believe in an “after life” I’d say “I don’t know” because that’s honest. I’ve been a little obsessed with near death experiences at various points in my life and I’ve read everything from people who had these weird mystical LSD-type experiences and people who were just unconscious and it was nothing.  I oscillate on what feels true to me on this, but I think regardless of whether there is something or not I feel very strongly that no human has access to “the other side” on demand for “readings.” I’ve had dreams about loved ones who have passed. I’ve heard stories about people where loved ones had passed and they heard a warning from them that helped them save their life. It is not beyond me to think that maybe there is a possibility we can connect sometimes with some other dimension of life.  Even my grandma once told me when she was younger she saw a ghost-type presence of a boy who had passed down the street from some weird disease when he was young (I think, or car accident, dunno, he was young and dead) and he said, “there’s nothing to worry about, this is just the next step” to her.  But then if you ask my grandma now she mostly thinks it’s nothing or more like whatever “energy” you have that is your soul just goes back into all of it and you cease to have a unique identity or presence, which also feels logically and practically right to me.  Well, whatever, we don’t know, but I do feel uberly certain that no one has 24/7 access to other people’s dead relatives. If someone tells me they had a personal experience, I’d be more inclined to believe them. And even those people aren’t going to be able to “call” on it whenever they want and especially not charge lots of money. So yeah I guess I’m just a little angry about it for some reason, haha. It’s the ultimate scam and also not how this all works if it does work.  DREAMS (8/10) I like dreams and think there is value in recording them down. I rarely know what mine are telling me. I don’t have psychic dreams which I think is really good. My friend used to have psychic dreams, but it freaked him out so he asked for it to be “turned off” and then he stopped having them. I wish I could lucid dream sometimes. I have books on lucid dreaming. But... I haven’t really been able to figure that out and my brain is already tired so maybe being consciously aware while I’m sleeping subconsciously isn’t what I want, haha. I think all the things that are personal experiences I’m cool with... I think I’m running into issues with the areas where nothing can be proven and people can be exploited. Hard to exploit your own dreams. They are what they are and they happen for you however they happen for you and maybe eventually we learn what they mean to us too.  SHAMANIC JOURNEYING (?/10)

I don’t know a ton about this. Shamanic journeying is also a very different practice depending on what culture you’re talking about... shamanic journeying could mean taking ayahuasca or it could just mean banging some drums and imagining shit in your mind.  I’m interested in learning more about it, but it’s also a weird area because it is something that some people feel is being exploited by white people -- and there have been similar concerns about yoga. I wonder about that myself because I don’t want to culturally appropriate someone’s spiritual practice but also I am on my weird, constant spiritual quest and kind of looking for what feels true and what works for me so I’m open to it all.  I’ve heard really interesting stories about people who practice shamanic journeying. I would never do any version of it that involves drugs. But I think I understand it to be “conscious dreaming” or like a more active, involved form of meditation. Shamanism also usually involves animal totems and I am all about animals and their symbolism so generally I’m into this idea but haven’t practiced it or delved deep.  PALM READINGS (5/10)

I know less about this too, but one time my uncle apparently saw a palm reader and they said “you’re going to get divorced and re-married and have two girls” and then that happened!!! Coincidence, perhaps.  This definitely seems like an area where you are susceptible to being scammed, but I would still be interested in finding someone who could legit read palms and had studied the lines and could at least tell me what mine said. I’ve looked at palm reading books before but I just have a hard time telling which line is which or what it’s saying.  I guess the jury is out on this one but I think my rule is like, “don’t give anyone money until they’ve proven themselves to have some legit background of study in this area.”

SPELLS (5/10) See above. I don’t necessarily think they “work” I think they just help you connect to an idea and intention in your own subconscious that gives you a stronger likelihood of making it happen for yourself.  CRYSTALS (6/10)

I just listened to the Spiritual Gayz podcast on crystals and it was really helpful and I felt like I learned a lot more about them. I think in general my own take is the same way I feel about “spells” in general. That working with them is more about working with your own mind and intentions and the crystal is an object that carries that meaning and is a reminder to you.  Also in the spiritual gayz podcast they were talking about how crystals generally have their meaning but that sometimes it’s more about using your intuition... like someone used a citrine to heal their back but it’s not known for healing.  I think in my personal experience I mostly don’t believe in them a whole bunch, but they are super pretty and so for some reason I own a ton of them. I meditate with them sometimes and it doesn’t feel any different than when I don’t.  This is what I tried to ask my online witch community about haha! Do I not experience anything because I’m a novice at this shit or because it’s less about the actual magic of any of this stuff but more about how it helps you connect with your subconscious so you can go deeper into yourself and heal yourself? I feel like their silence and lack of clarity is sort of my answer.  I lean towards this is a little bit BS but they are super pretty and I am still open to being proven wrong and learning more about them. 

REIKI (3/10)

Well, I don’t know. I think I lean towards thinking it’s total bullshit but I give reiki three points because there are three points that I think are worth considering: 1) I’ve definitely heard stories of people who took reiki classes or got reiki attunements where they had some weird spiritual crisis / energy shit happening personally and so it seems like it does something.  2) I have heard stories about people who had reiki after a car accident and the doctor told them they did six months of healing in one month and had no idea how. 3) I got a “womb healing” once haha, which is a form of reiki specifically for your womb which is like I guess a creative energy center. I was in an abusive relationship at the time so I think I felt like I wanted something to work for me to help me navigate that. I don’t know that I felt like it worked or not to be honest, but the reiki woman did tell me “you come from a line of very strong women” and that is super true and was like what I got out of that experience. She also gave me some rituals to do that I did do .... and I mean I have come such a long way since that time, and I think all of this esoteric weird “spell” shit has helped me in that process, but again I think the results of this work have been more about my persistence and desire for the psychological change rather than something outside of me creating it.  IRISH TEA LEAF LADY (7/10) I go to my Irish Tea Leaf Lady on the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica once a year since 2011. She has been super right about some things and then not right about others... which for a supposedly psychic reading is sort of low returns maybe, but the stuff she’s been right about has been so weird and uncanny and sometimes specific too that I keep going back. I also love that she doesn’t charge like $40, she’s entirely donation based so you could just give her $5. I think giving her $5 would be a little shitty because even on a purely entertainment value basis she’s worth more than that. But still she sits with me better because I never feel like she’s scamming me. I feel like she reads tea leaves because she’s a weirdo who loves it and it’s not about the money for her. I’m so sensitive about scams, obviously.  I think she’s most off in her timing. Her predictions have happened for me but not always when she said they would. She finds the timing based on where the leaves are in the cup so maybe that’s not her specialty. A lot of what she does is reading symbols so lately I try to focus more on the symbols she’s giving me too rather than trying to get her to predict the future per se -- like what symbols to look out for in my own life.  Anyway she’s the only psychic I return to on a regular basis and I’d say she’s about 60% accurate but for psychic shit I think that’s really good and again I always have a good time with her and it’s a fun yearly thing to do in January.

PRAYER (9/10)

I dunno, to be honest. Someone said prayer is like talking to God and meditation is like listening to God. I pray sometimes, although usually it’s just me rambling out loud to myself in my car and pretending I’m talking to someone else. For me it’s just helpful to work through some things sometimes, kind of like an invisible therapist. Sometimes I ask for “signs” and I feel like I get them and something feels like it clicks and I’m like, “oh okay I get it.”  There might be “no God” and I have my thoughts on “God” anyway. I think prayer is a really nice, harmless activity no matter what way you slice it or no matter what is real or not real. I think generally one prays for guidance or for something positive and so I think “putting it out there” isn’t bad, even if it’s only you talking to yourself ultimately it’s still better to have some kind of relationship with yourself, in my mind, where you’re communicating and trying to work things out (rather than being quiet and keeping it to yourself all the time).  In my experience there have been some returns on my prayers, but also sometimes my prayers end up being like existential where I’m like, “sometimes I don’t know if you exist. I hope you do, but sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit and then I feel a little depressed. But I guess if everything some really strange cosmic accident it doesn’t matter in terms of how I need to live my life. Anyway I’m just feeling a little lost so dunno just thought I’d check in with you to see if you exist today” type of thing.  I’m mostly agnostic, I guess, oscillating between being totally convinced of there being more to this world and other times being totally convinced there’s nothing... and I guess with all of it I find prayer to be one of the least harmful things you can do and the most optimistic whether you’re in an atheist mood or not.  SYNCHRONICITY (9/10) I love synchronicity. Sometimes I experience so much of it at once I feel like the world is on spiritual fire and that even though I’m sober I might as well be on psychedelic drugs (which I have never taken beyond weed).  Sometimes the random coincidences feel so over-the-top to me that it feels undeniable. I couldn’t have made it up and it’s not just me “looking” for connections. I love when that happens. It just makes me feel... calm and connected. It’s like some reassurance that there is connectedness and meaning and that there’s some kind of path that’s adding up over time...  And sometimes I go on for so long without any of it that I start to doubt my prior experiences and wonder if they were all bullshit... but usually something happens again to make me feel like, there has to be more to this world than what we can see or know.  So I love synchronicity because it feels like tangible external evidence of a deeper feeling and it’s never something I’m forcing or creating on my own. I don’t always know what it means right away, but sometimes something catches my eye and I just know it’s more than I can explain and later on it might make more sense to me to. I feel like Twin Peaks is sort of a representation of this to me. 😬 IN CONCLUSION:

Experiences and practices that are personal and are not about someone else interpreting or translating to you are good and worth pursuing.  Most magic practices probably lean towards being bullshit but it doesn’t mean they can’t have or add value in your life.  Try not to spend too much money on figuring out the future unless it’s fun and you have reason to trust your reader.  There is probably more to the world than we know, and I think a lot of it has to do with the subconscious mind, but I lean towards feeling like any “real” magic in the world is a very personal experience and cannot be conjured by someone else.  Sort of like we’re an antennae and psychic phenomenon is a radio station. We can’t control the radio station or what it’s putting out or when it wants to broadcast shit, but we can just be receptive and open. But also no one is a super antennae -- I don’t believe anyone has constant access to the radio station and therefore has the right to charge $400 an hour to listen to what the radio station is saying. Or if they do then they’re working for the FBI right now and we don’t know about them publicly and they are definitely not using those gifts to scam grieving people. But most likely not. 

And if someone in a tarot reading says “they’re giving me a message that... blah blah blah” I think that’s a red flag and an indication that they’re putting on a show for you. If they’re just reading the cards and going in depth on their meaning I think that’s more something I’d personally trust more.  I’m skeptical of anyone who isn’t a little bit skeptical. I think this can be like a placebo effect. I believe so much that I create the meaning and the connections and then I start seeing more reason to believe it’s all real.  I’m also skeptical of people who are totally doubtful too. Anyone who is convinced this is all bullshit feels like bullshit to me. That’s a certain kind of dogma and close-mindedness I can’t abide by because that feels as wrong to me as diving off the deep end.  The place I’m at now is wading in the uncertainty and being open but also not fully accepting it all either yet until I get more evidence that it’s worth proceeding further.  I’m interested in finding out what reality is and how consciousness works and what humans are capable of and at the moment I can only try things out and measure against my own experiences and anecdotal evidence. So this is where I’m at with it all.