#yesterday my grandma asked me ‘Are you still christian?’ and i had to close my eyes and mentally take a smoke break

[drunkardsprayer]

In the shower thinking about ways i’ll have to defend my ideology while on vacation with my evangelical christian family

[morningstarvalerio]

You don’t have to read this, but I had to write it.

I really can’t believe the current reality I’m living through. Today especially did not feel real. The rain helped, maybe even the fact that my mom forgot the gallon of milk she bought yesterday in the car until today.

Housing my mom and youngest sister for the week till we recover from being ill is going to be weird. If you told me three weeks ago this would be happening I wouldn’t have believed it. Mostly because we weren’t on talking terms with each other since early March.

Moving back to the Antelope Valley will be weirder, but we’ll get there when we get there.

I can’t wait till Saturday. I can’t wait to see my grandma. I think today was the first day from all of this that it really occurred to me how scared she must be - through confusion and dizziness that I can only compare to being extremely drunk and high. She must be so scared.

They said I can stay over night with her at the hospital on Saturday which is great. I haven’t seen her once since she made it back to America. I miss her and I miss our conversations. But … they’re saying she can’t really talk. Two words is a lot for her.

I keep fantasizing that when I get to her hospital room she’ll remember every single word and that she’ll tell me about the months she just spent back home, she’ll tell me old stories about El Salvador - the kind you forget till you get brought back to the scene of the crime and then she’ll ask me the dreaded question; whether or not I have a boyfriend currently.

But I know it probably won’t play out like that, though I have a little hope that it might still.

One time when I was a little girl I asked the universe to show me how powerful I was - that if I was powerful the next day it would rain. It didn’t. The next day it snowed.

I’m from Southern California and it hardly ever snows in the high desert. Less than that it hardly ever sticks, but this time it did. It snowed for one perfect day and to this day the locals still talk about that one time it snowed so hard that it stuck. I would always smile thinking it was me.

The next time it began to snow like that I sat by the window of my grandmother’s house and watched snowflakes come down. I focused really hard and the snow became thicker, in certain areas it began to stick. But my grandma was getting really sick. I decided that I would let go of the snow and I would focus on her instead. I asked her if she trusted me and she said okay. I closed my eyes and put my twelve year old hands over her and focused. She was better the next day.

I didn’t get any credit from her and that was okay. I didn’t expect to. Heck even to this day I know I’m a little nuts, but I did rejoice thinking I helped in some way.

At 27 I keep thinking maybe I can do it again. Hold my hands over her and focus. Make whatever this is go away, because if I can’t and she doesn’t get better - I don’t think I’m ready for worse case scenario. I want the old stories, the ice down my back as a prank, me crying to her and feeling safe about it, sitting at her feet while she lectures me about finances and Christianity, talking about boyfriends and mothers, helping her get dressed, and pupusas. This doesn’t feel fair. Even if she recovers she may not be the same and how was I supposed to know the last time we did all our favorite things was the last time we’d be doing it as the Gemini twins?

I was born the day before her birthday. She told me that she was very excited that the clock would reach midnight before my cranium reached outside my mother. That we’d share a birthday. It didn’t happen by three hours, but many times we still shared a cake or a celebration. I have loved her. She has been one of my best companions growing up.

She gave the doctors her name incorrectly. Her maiden name that hasn’t been her name for five decades now. I’m scared she won’t remember me or worse - I’m scared she’ll think I’m my mom, but younger when they didn’t get along.

More than that though I hope she’s not in a lot of pain, I hope my aunts that have been able to stay with her have made her feel safe and loved. Listening to my mom and her siblings make decisions about what they need to do next is exhausting and I dread the day when it becomes mine and my sisters’ turn. If you read this all the way through I do welcome good energy and prayers. Thanks.

[ppman2009]

I think my moms bf is a control freak

okay to start i ( f 14) was hiding my (m 11) friends vape (i know its bad but whatever) and my mom (f 34) found it her boyfriend (m 35) wasnt home (it was the before i was about to go to school) my mom threw it outside so i went to school im assuming while i was at school she told him so when i got home i picked it up i decided to try it (dumb idea) it tasted good so when i went to go pick up my little sister (f 11) and my friends (f 13) and (m 11 ) i hit it not thinking they were watching (they were) then i got grounded i didnt really care but then flash forward to 5 days later i got off my bus and my friend (m 11) was at home (he didnt go to school that day) so me and him went to my house then when i got inside my moms boyfriend was telling my cousin how im such a bad kid and how i vape all the time (lie) and she said she didnt care so i asked him if i could go play with (lets call him E) and my moms boyfriend said not rn maybe later so i waited and my sister got home so i told my grandma (F 61) i was gonna go to hang out with E she said okay so me and my other friend (lets call her T) went to pick up E , E was taking to long to get ready so we went in E's house then out of nowhere i hear my moms boyfriend screaming at me for nothing then when i got home he accused me of trying to get high or vape or even have s*x with E and T (btw im gay and so is E) then he says im not allowed to hang out with E so i say okay idc (btw i still am gonna hang out with E) then he says if i see you hanging out with E im gonna not let you hangout with T (first sign of a control freak) then flash forward 3 days later (yesterday from what day im making this) i was on the bus and obvi i dont want to go pee at school so i got off at the closer stop (i get on 4 blocks away from my house and the stop im referencing is right around the corner kinda close to E's house) btw (E, T, and my sister get off of the bus an hour after me) anyway i had to pee REALLY BAD like really fucking bad then i see his car and i go to wave then he rolls his window down and starts SCREAMING at me bc i was appearently "getting high with E" or "i was vaping again" (keep in mind i wasnt :l) then he said "go home and stand in the corner" of course i didnt cause i had to pee really really bad then i went to my mom and said to her "you need to drop your bitch ass boyfriend" she just stood there ignoring me then he came in screamed at me and said " I SAID TO STAND IN THE CORNER" so i explained to him that after school i need to go pee so i dont want to walk 4 BLOCKS to my house he said "I DONT GIVE A FUCK" so i said "im not pissing myself or developing a bladder problem bc of you" then he said to my mom "do you agree with me (lets call her K)" so obvi she agrees bc hes controlling if you guys ever watched coraline then you know the other mother controls the other father at his point my moms bf is the other mother and my mom is the other father anyway continuing then i go to the 4 block away bus stop with my sister E is there he comes up to me and says "your moms boyfriend (im gonna call him Z) came to my house and asked where my parents are (his dad was on a buisness and his step mom was at work) and said tell your parents K (me) and D's (my sister) DAD (keep in mind hes not my dad never will be my dad is in prison bc he got accused off selling drugs which isnt true bc hes a christian) said hes gonna come over after work ofc he didnt but still hes a fucking control freak hes also hit me to the point where my nose bleeds or my lip is swollen and also keep in mind my mom does nothing and says nothing (also they have recently started drug testing me

[achytrak]

Safe in her arms (part 1)

---

CW: kidnapping, blood, assault(?), murder, mention of murder

---

“So, how’s the bar going?” Annabelle asked. It was a normal evening. Lucía should be working, but Gramps hired someone other, and because of it being a small bar, the two couldn’t work together, so they decided the switch shifts.

“As always. Yesterday someone almost hit me with a glass.” Lucía answered with a laugh. It’s been so long since they could talk together. Annabelle is always trying to settle down her family (there’s a lot drama going on in rich families) and Lucía’s almost always working. She was so happy to hear that her best friend could come to hang out.

“Come on, don’t stare at me like that, nothing happened to me, see? I’m alright, not a bruise on my perfect body.” she had to calm down the pile of overprotective molecules next to her.

“Thank God, I’m not in the mood for killing anyone today.” Annabelle quietly confirmed that she is, in fact, a pile of overprotective molecules.

“I told you to stop making these jokes.” Lucía laughed. She was always like this, but fortunately she never killed or hurt anyone (expect for that one time, but we don’t talk about that). Or at least Lucía didn’t know of it.

“Forget the bar, how’s Gramps? Still alive and well?” Annabelle changed the topic.

“Oh he’s alive enough. He could probably make another tour of the entire planet, maybe even discover a new one.”

“That’s nice to hear.” this time laughed Annabelle. “How is it going with the adoptions?”

“He’s still considering it. Even though I’m already an adult, he doesn’t want to have me in the house illegaly, but there’s a big fuss around it all.”

“But you want to be adopted by him?”

“Of course I do! He’s like a father to me ever since he took me in.” Lucía answered the question both of the girls already knew answer to. It’s been around five years since Gramps took her in from the streets. The Mafia was just starting to grow, and Lucía was afraid, so Gramps and Grandma, who was still alive took her in.

“It was nice talking to you, ‘Cía, but it’s getting late and I don’t wanna see how The Mafia acts for myself honestly.” Annabelle finally said.

“Yeah, maybe we can talk next week again, Belle?” Lucía hoped for a positive answer.

“Yeah, I’ll text you if I have time. Bye now.” The tall girl said her goodbye.

“Bye.” The short one said the last goodbye. Why last? The next one will not be to the same person Lucía thought she knew.

---

‘I should’ve at least ask her if she doesn’t want to come with me. Now I’m walking alone, and it’s already dark.’ Lucía thought, when suddenly, someone grabbed her arm.

“Hello there, darling.” Lucía flinched. She has never heard that voice before, but she was afraid she knew who was talking. The Mafia.

She quickly reached into her bag, but the pepper spray wasn’t there anymore.

“Looking for this?” said another man, holding the spray too close to her face. It was dark, so Lucía didn’t exactly see their faces, but she knew that there was at least five men, surrounding her.

“I’m gonna need you to come with us.” The original man announced, squeezing her hand a little harder.

“And if I say no?” she hopefully asked.

“Well, we’re gonna have to force you.” he answered, and the next thing she knew was a horrible hit in her head.

---

Actually, no, the next thing she knew was being tied to a chair, in... some kind of a... dungeon? Okay that sounds weird, it looks like a cell. She’s tied to a chair in a cell, kidnapped by The Mafia. Yeah, sounds pretty normal.

Lucía was so scared. This was one of her biggest fears. Being kidnapped by The Mafia. She’s probably gonna lose her sanity now. ‘God, please, save me.’ she prayed. Lucía wasn’t a christian, but what are you gonna do in this situation? Pray to the mighty Fox of Three realms?

“Boss, she’s awake.” A guard (oh, by the way there were guards) announced.

“Perfect.” said- ‘wait. Is that the same voice that I heard back in the alley? But the guard called him boss? But if he’s the boss, he should be the leader? But why would the leader of The fucking Mafia himself kidnap her?! Unless...

No! This must be The Mafia, who else kidnapped all the people that went missing?’

“Hello, little bitch!” The guy slapped her at the sound of the last word.

“Didn’t you already greet me today, boss?” even through the pain on the left side of her face, she could still put so much disgust in her tone. It’s a talent. she said when Annabelle mentioned it. ‘I wonder where she is now. I hope she’s safe.’ she thought.

“Oh, I didn’t. It was on sunday, it’s tuesday now, 12:47 PM.” he ignored the kind-of-insult.

‘What?! PM?! That means-’

“Yes, it’s been a day and 15 hours already. I have to apologize for that. We wanted to make sure you would pass out, so it was a hard hit. You were supposed to wake up at least 10 hours ago. We even tried cutting your skin, so you would wake up from the pain, but tht didn’t really work.” That’s when Lucía noticed the still bloody scars on her body. “But I’ve changed my plans, so I could spend more time with you.” he smiled, but Lucía knew that wasn’t sincere.

“What do you want.” she asked, already angry. Sure, she was losing her mind in fear, but that was probably his plan, so she tried to stay calm, losing her patience in the process.

“Oh, that’s easy. I need you to tell me everything, and I mean everything about your friend, that you talked to the moment before we, ah, took you in.

“Annabelle?!”

“The tall one, brunette, brown eyes, always at least one part of her clothes is black. She has a piercing in her nose and wears eye-liner and black nail polish.” the boss confirmed, even showing her a picture of her.

“What do you want to do with her?! She’s a nobody, like me! Sure, she has rich parents, but what do you want with her?!” Lucía was screaming now. She wouldn’t let her best friend get kidnapped. “Also, if you want her so much, why didn’t you kidnap her?! Why did you kidnap me?!”

“What do we want with her? Simple, she needs to pay for the crime of killing half our gang. You think she’s a nobody? Keep telling yourself that. And why didn’t we kidnap her? Simple, why would we? We’ll kidnap her when we have all information needed - all the information that you will give us.”

“What. Do. You. Mean. How would Annabelle kill half of some gang? Also, weren’t you a mafia?” Lucía said through the hand that was holding her chin now.

“Well, we were never a mafia, and certainly not after The Mafia, together with your girlfriend that’s a part of it destroyed us.” the boss said, saying it with a ‘oh by the way’ tone. “Oh, right, you didn’t know, but of course you don’t know, why would she tell you, I mean, just like you said, you’re a nobody.”

Lucía wanted to scream. Not just a random AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA scream, she wanted to scream ‘You’re lying!’ and ‘Annabelle isn’t in The Mafia!’ and ‘I’m not a nobody’, but she couldn’t. One reason is the hand that was still holding a chin, the other one is that she also didn’t believe it. The man was right. She’s just a nobody. She said so herself. She was left alone as a child, only picked up because someone felt sorry for her. She didn’t even get a real job. But then something happened.

“Hello, James.” said a too samiliar voice. It was so similiar, tears came out of Lucía’s already wet eyes.

“Belle.” she whispered loud enough for Annabelle to hear. It wasn’t a question. Or an angry sentence saying ‘where have you been’ and ‘why didn’t you tell me anything?’. It was a relieved, but also worried announcment, that Annabelle knew the meaning of.

“Shut up!” the boss slapped her again, and then took out his gun, and pointed it at her. Looking Annabelle in her eyes, he had the pure audacity, to tell her: “You can’t do anything. I won’t hesitate to shoot her.”

“Oh my, somebody’s scared, so scared, they have to threaten a perfectly normal person who hasn’t done anything to them.” Annabelle was furious. The boss James knew that. And he really was scared. So scared he hesitated. That’s when he got shot. It wasn’t Annabelle who shot him. It was one of his guys. Wait, no, it was one of Annabelle’s guys, a spy.

“Mafia, raid the place! You can take what you want, expect for people, then, we’re burning this place down! Jackson, dispose of the body!” Annabelle ordered. At least 50 people ran past her, exicted for their prize (even tho they probably even didn’t do anything).

When Annabelle and Lucía were finally alone (even Jackson left), Annabelle finally walked up to Lucía, breaking her free. When she finally stood up, her head was a little fuzzy, and her legs hurt, from sitting for so many hours. But she still had the energy to slap her best friend. And then hug her.  Annabelle hugged her back. Lucía felt safe in her arms. Once they’ll arrive home, whereever home is, they’ll tell each other everything. But now, Lucía will just cry in the arms of the person she feels safe with.

[therisingsun777]

Book One; Chapter One: An Event With The Exorcist

Imagine waking up to find someone accusing you of being a demon. And now imagine that man spilling water against your skin, when you had been sleeping nicely, and feeling quite well within your sleep. It isn’t exactly the most pleasant awakening.

He held up the cross towards my chest, and started shouting in Latin. I looked towards him silently, waiting.

“Are you done?” I asked, when he ran out of holy water, “Because I really need to go to the bathroom, and...I’m like ninety percent sure my mom finished making dinner.”

It really had felt like this man had taken all day just to get a small vat of water emptied. Yawning, I sat up as much as I could within the chains wrapped around my wrists, and scratched at my chin.

“Listen, I’m sure you think you’re doing what’s right...But this is really annoying. I had this plan, where I was gonna go out into the field beside my house, and I was gonna play around a little bit.”

There were these windmills, and...It was hard to explain, but it was fun.

The man started speaking in Latin again, and I rolled my eyes; one of the few things you learn in life is, Christians really don’t know how to stop. He grabbed another vat of water, and sprayed it against my skin. Now, he was wiping sweat from his brow, as if all of this was taking more effort out of him than exercising could.

“Mom! Can I please have some dinner!! Or breakfast? This man is taking forever!” I shouted past his yelling Latin.

The man kept talking, and nobody replied, of course they didn’t, they believed that I was possessed. Everyone in this damn place thought I had a demon. Leaning back in bed, I grabbed my blanket. The man took the blanket and ripped it off of the bed. We stared towards one another. That was...annoying.

` “Really? You’re just gonna do that? C’mon, at least let me sleep through your exorcism.” I complained.

The man kept on speaking his Latin, and I looked up at the ceiling. It really wasn’t right to chain someo-

Water splashed into my eye. It didn’t hurt, but it bothered me. I really wasn’t one to get angry…(Which might be a lie) but this man, he’d been doing this for three days, and I’d been trying to tell my parents, or anyone else who would listen, that I wasn’t possessed. But because of this man, I’d had barely any contact with them. And I had really, really, been looking forward to going outside.

“Dude, I’ve been on my best behavior for the last five weeks, and yesterday you said I was free to go, and that I was ‘cleansed’. I even acted everything out for you. Did all of the rising objects and shit. You and I, we had a good run. You just don’t know, when to fucking, stop.”

The chains around my hands bursted apart. He looked towards me with widened eyes, and started speaking even more Latin, seemingly desperate. He spoke and spoke, getting faster. I, for my part, did not hurt the man, I just got out of bed.

“You will not leave this room demon!” He shouted desperately.

I opened the door, and walked out of my room, Suppressing my want to do something really bad to him. When the door opened, I saw both mom, dad, and grandma standing there.

“Grandma, politely, why did you chain me down last night?”

She, for her part, seemed at least mildly surprised. We looked towards one another, and she glanced towards my parents. After a moment, she seemed to gain the courage of the group to speak.

“You’re sick, Ben. You’ve been sick, you’re possessed.”

I suppressed a chuckle, as I know how that would look, “Says who? The man behind me?” 

My grandma choked up. She was one of the main offenders. She and the preacher, earlier in their life, had had an interesting little affair. An affair of which I was privy to knowing about. It was rather interesting, how quickly people gave away their secrets. He was rather angry that she was making him go through with all of this. Primarily because my grandma... didn’t know about half of the shit that I could actually do.

“Mom, dad, you actually agree with allowing her to go through with this?”

Before this, when I had shown my primarily bizarre aptitudes, they had called it a miracle; not a spawn of a demon. Yet here they were, going through with something they knew was wrong, and saying nothing. My mom knew about the affair her mom had had with the preacher, and yet hadn’t said anything about it, judging it as not that useful of information. And here they all were, steering my life in a direction it really didn’t need to be steered.

They didn’t say anything. Or rather, I didn’t give them the option to. Walking past all of them, I went out into the fields, and started running towards the windmills. 

When I finally got there I breathed in a deep, careful sigh. The general whishing sound of the windmills caught up in my ears. Even if I could hear them running towards me in the background, the main thing I could hear, was the wind. It moved, whishing here and there into my veins, playing part in an endless vessel of events. Another breath escaped from my lungs, and into the open air. A memory sparked at the edges of my consciousness, one I had been putting off for quite some time.

“Why don’t you just run away? If they’re going to start trying to exorcise you, you can just, just go!”

The words reverberated around my mind. It...it made terrifying sense now. To want to run, to get as far away from them as I could. Looking back towards the running forms, I recognized how capable I’d be of it if I wanted to. 

“Hey dad! Why don’t you tell mom about that one night!” I shouted out across the field, “Why don’t you...Why haven’t you ever told her!”

Mom stopped, looking towards dad, I smiled for just a moment. The preacher and my grandma kept running towards me. I took a careful breath in, and backed away. The windmills were still moving in that space behind my ears; with a careful breath, I jumped.

The wind swished around me, moving my body upwards with it. I landed at the top of one of the windmills, and looked down. The face of the preacher was pleasantly surprised. He still hadn’t been able to use that third object, the one that I was truly afraid of.

Both the preacher and my grandmother, stared up with looks of shock. I smiled down at them, but said nothing. Only my mom and dad knew, and they had promised, promised….They had once said they wouldn’t tell anyone, because I was their little airbender.

Dad could do it too… He had shown me before, that he could do it too...And he had taught me.

I closed my eyes, forcing back whatever was threatening to well up. Of course they had acted like they didn’t know anything about my ability. When the preacher came to the valley’s. They had said that it was probably a demon. Agreeing in that way grown-ups do, when they’re about to punish you for something you never did. With a deep breath in, I jumped to the next windmills, feeling the wind surge through my body, and around my skin. It swept into my hair, rearranging the world around me. Thoughts became lucid and strong forces, as my mind calculated the depth of the fall, and how much air would be needed to stop my descent enough to make sure my legs took minimal shock. The back of my brain was swishing with the air, becoming a lucid movement all its own. Until finally, I landed at the edge of the next one. There would be awhile needed to go. But wherever I am going now, I’m sure I’ll get there.

[lovemesomesurveys]

● Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. A lot of time wasted.  “I wasted my time...”   ● What 5 websites do you visit often, and why? Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.  ● Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it. Some would consider knickknacks and collectibles and stuff useless, and I mean yeah they just sit on a shelf, but I like stuff like that.  ● What music album would be used for a movie about your life? I don’t know. ● List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them. I got a lot of bad habits. As for addictions, caffeine and my pain medicine. I don’t abuse it, I take it as prescribed, but after so long your body develops a dependency. I remember several years ago I tried to cut out caffeine. It lasted a couple days, I think. haha. The headaches are no joke.

● If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind? There’s a long list of things I’d want to change, but I mean if I could have good health (mentally and physically) that would make a big difference. I think some other changes would follow. I can’t imagine I’d ever change my mind about that. ● What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same? I’m a Christian now. Up until 4 years ago I was atheist and then agnostic.  ● When was your last food craving, and what did you crave? I’ve been wanting Doritos tacos from Taco Bell lately. ● Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Philip when I was in 3rd grade. He was a grade or two above me. He and I were turning the jump rope for people during this event my elementary school had every year called, Jump Rope for Heart. It was to get people active and raise awareness. Anyway, he was across from me holding the other end of the rope and I just thought he was cute haha.  ● Name your most cherished childhood memory. I have a lot of those. I loved my childhood. It wasn’t without struggle or obstacles, but for some reason those things aren’t what stand out the most. I was a strong, resilient kid. Kid me would be so ashamed of how weak I am now. ● Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then? I don’t feel like looking back on old surveys right now. ● What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? Hmm. ● Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way? Wait, literally or metaphorically? I mean, metaphorically I’d like to take the road that takes me to working on myself and leading to some happiness and success. That’d be nice.  ● Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it? Uhh there’s a lot of things. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in my life each passing year. I’m just wasting away. I want to just...live. Travel more. Do something with my life. My physical health has been a contributing factor, but ultimately it’s me. It’s my mental health. That affects me more than anything else. ● Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? It happened behind the drama department at my high school. It unexpected and awkward, but it was my first kiss so it was all I knew. I was so giddy about having had my first kiss it didn’t matter haha. ● What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently? Oh jeez. I have a lot of regrets. One that weighs heavily on me in recent years relates to my health. I’m very stubborn. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have neglected certain things. Some things don’t just go away, they get worse. And here I am, still not taking care of myself like I should be. Each passing year... ● What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it? I Love Me by Demi Lovato. I just really like the song.

● Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? Just going back to the big thing that’s been weighing heavily on my mind these past few years that I talked about up there. ● Write about your greatest fear. Death, losing loved ones, never getting better/getting worse, and never doing anything with my life. ● Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. Hmm. ● Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds. I mean, there have been some times where things turned out to be not as bad as I thought they would be.  ● If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? I’ve talked about it enough.  ● Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about? Last night when my mom got home from work. She was just telling me about stuff that happened at work and the latest Coronavirus news. It’s a wild time right now. All the cancellations of events, school campuses closing, and empty shelfs because people are stockpiling on hand sanitizer, face masks, and toilet paper. Italy is quarantined. I’ve never witnessed anything like this. ● Describe a time you felt alone. I feel that way a lot. I don’t spend a lot of time physically alone, but I still feel alone a lot. ● Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? Uhh earlier I found a new ASMR channel on YouTube to watch haha. ● What’s on your calendar for tomorrow? I have a doctor appointment.  ● What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard? Eating sounds make my skin crawl.  ● Describe your first job. I’ve never had one.  ● What is the one thing you cannot live without? Besides oxygen, food, and water; my family. And coffee. That doesn’t get lumped into food or water, coffee gets its own honorable mention.  ● Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you. Lane said I was strong, beautiful, brave, and rocked red hair like nobody’s business. :D ● Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not? I can’t sleep if it’s completely dark or quiet, which is why I sleep with the TV on. I’d be scared if the electricity went out and it was dark if I was home alone. I wouldn’t go anywhere alone at night. Even with with someone I’m heightened alert. ● Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. A week. ● Write about a recent adventure or travels. I went to Disneyland for a few days last month. It was awesome. ● Who did you idolize growing up? My mom and grandma. And some celebrities at the time that were around my age like Hilary Duff. ● Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. Alexander Skarsgard. ● Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning. Take my medicine, use the restroom, have coffee.  ● Name one thing you have always been good at doing. Jumping to the worst case scenarios. ● What is your favorite season, and why? Fall and winter. I love the weather, the clothes, the scents, the holidays, and just the coziness of it all. ● What was the title of the last book you read? I’m currently reading, “The Girl That Vanished” by A.J. Rivers. It’s the sequel to, “The Girl in Cabin 13.” ● List your biggest regrets. I talked about one of them already. That’s enough for today. ● Have you ever seen a ghost? No. ● Describe your note-taking style and habits. Bullet points, underlining, asterisks, and highlighting.  ● Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? Yes. You have to figure that out for yourself, we all have a different purpose. I’m still trying to figure mine out. ● What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic? I’ve never heard that phrase. ● Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? Drinking, smoking weed, and taking a ride in a truck at night on a backroad at night near a levee. That was scary, but definitely an adrenaline rush.  ● What is your favorite cliché? Actions speak louder than words. ● What are all your thoughts on god? I believe in God.  ● How do rainy days make you feel? I love rainy days. I do the same things I do any other day, but it’s just cozy. The sound is relaxing. ● What is the most amount of money you have had at one time? A couple grand. ● Write a celebrity crush list. Alexander Skarsgard. ● What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced? I couldn’t pick just one thing. ● What effect does music have on you? It can perk me up, it can give me a little energy if I need to clean, it can make me sad, it can make me zone out, it can make me relax.  ● What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday? Uhhh. ● What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? I’m sure the very first thing they notice is I’m in a wheelchair. Then probably how thin I am. Then perhaps my hair and my black rimmed glasses. Maybe my freckles. ● Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. ● Does Never Never Land really exist? No, sadly.  “Cause Neverland is home, to lost boys like me...” ● Where is a great place to get breakfast? This local place that’s known more for their burgers, fries, and shakes, but actually have bomb breakfast, too. I love their country gravy. ● List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today. It’s only 2 in the morning, but so far I had ramen, I’m finishing up my Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, and I’m watching/listening to an ASMR video. Not a bad start, but we’ll see how the rest of the day goes... I have a doctor appointment later that I’m not looking forward to. Afterwards my mom and I are going grocery shopping and I’ll probably pick up Wingstop on the way home. It’s been hot lately and I’ve had a nagging headache the past couple days, so I hope that isn’t the case today. ● What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled? Car and plane.  ● If you could give the world just one thing, what would it be? Peace. ● What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? English throughout school, with the addition of psychology in college. My worst was always math. I struggled with science, too. Philosophy was really fucking hard. ● Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do. I haven't really been dared to do anything too outrageous.  ● Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Strawberry, but vanilla is good as well.  ● What historical events happened the year you were born? Ted Bundy was electrocuted.  ● Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible. I’m on my bed and there’s 2 giraffe stuffed animals, one is a big squishy one. I love all my giraffe stuffed animals, which there are a LOT of. ● Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery. I visited a Walt Disney museum a couple years ago. It was really cool. ● What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet? I’m the wrong person to ask about well balanced diets. Well balanced for me is Wingstop, ramen, this pizza from my favorite local pizza place, scrambled eggs, and coffee. haha. ● Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it. I talked about the coronavirus, which is a big issue and hot topic currently, and my feelings to it already. ● If you had only one wish, what would you wish for? Cures for all diseases. ● If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say? Wash your hands!  ● Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else). Nah. ● Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Noooo. ● Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. I need to devote time to taking care of myself and taking some necessary steps. ● What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication? I have too many favorite books. ● Describe your first car. I’ve never had my own car. I don’t drive. ● Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary? I love them.

[cutiepiepotatoes]

Freya’s herbs

Ivarxreader

Disclaim: I don’t own any character. I placed a few references to other shows in it haha and it’s been a while since I wrote anything so I kinda got carried away (1900 words), also English isn’t my main language so please excuse me for possible grammar errors. Enjoy anyway and feedbacks are always welcomed!

Part 2

@feistybaby

Summary: Reader and Ivar are married, don’t know each other well, don’t want to know each other,  the seer gives them some herbs to eat

After three weeks being here, you had already enough of it. All the dirty smells, the cold, the odd looks the people keep giving you, the Ragnarsons’ smirks and of course Ivar’s behavior. That was the worse: acting like a child, yet being cruel and scary, ignoring you during the day, staring at you during all the feast in the great hall at night. The slaves were scared of him and keep you company, following his orders, but they were also scared of you, knowing your reputation.

Being the daughter of a great warrior, who became king of a foreign kingdom, you knew how to fight, how to kill and how to read. Speaking different languages helped you during raids, but it was also your worst flaw at one precise moment, at least it seems like that to you: when in England serving in your father’s army, you all met The Great Army, and decided to join forces to win. What was unexpected was that the Christian surrendered and during the negotiations for their lives, you stood out by understanding perfectly and answering them as if you were one of them. Surprised, Ivar decided you might be useful for other raids and asked your hand to your father, who eagerly accepted seeing you were far from finding a better suitor, being always in raid. Plus, he knew you didn’t want to get married, you wanted to remain a free shieldmaiden.

Now, you were treated like a princess who doesn’t know anything. Mostly because it apparently amused your dear husband. Walking around, you saw Ivar at the docks and immediately started to glare at him from afar. Which he reciprocated instantly. You looked like two idiots, glaring at each other, strangling the other in your head, at five feet apart. You approached, smiling at his brothers, and giving him your best fake smile: 

“Hello.”

“You piss me off so much!”

“Ivar, I literally just said hello.”

“And yet here I am, boiling with rage!” he growled at you, making you laughed at how ridiculous he was.

You were about to respond when the seer came, “May I speak with you, my King?”

“Well of course, mostly because it would to give me an opportunity to get away from this demon.” Your husband spitted at you, and you laughed even harder, making him even more pissed.

“Now the Gods want you and your wife to come”

“What?” you both said, suddenly completely serious with a dangerous voice. Ubbe just rolled his eyes, while Hvitserk slowly tried to leave, your tones reminding everyone how deadly you could both be if annoyed. The seer, who must have predicted your reactions, only walked back to his house knowing you would follow, which you did while growling and muttering protestations but refusing to go against the Gods’ desire. You didn’t wait for Ivar to take his crutches, you were even walking faster to get away from him a little. “Look like you want to murder everyone, shoulders down and chin up” used to say your mother for how to walk, and that is exactly what you were doing, on your own, alone, not next to Ivar. However, when you entered the seer’s house, something hit you: loneliness. You always walked alone, except on the battlefield, but even now you were walking alone on purpose to avoid your supposed husband. This statement saddened you, until you heard the oh-so-nice voice of Ivar:

“You’re in the way, woman.”

Except this time, instead of answering him with a witty comment, you just looked at him behind your shoulder and moved out the way. Your move made Ivar frowned and wondered what has gotten into you, and he realized he was almost, emphasis on almost, waiting your sarcasm. However, he showed nothing and kept walking.

“Sit down here please, and next to each other” the seer requested. You did as you were told, both still a bit weird from what just happened. “The Gods gave me a mission, and to pursue it I need both of you to eat these herbs tonight before sleep. You will have a dream which should help the Gods, mostly Freya, guide your couple through the journey of life. Do you know why the Gods decided to interfere?”

“Good question, wrong people, seer” you quickly answered. This made Ivar smiled a little, you were returning to your old self and it was somehow reassuring, yet he didn’t know why.

“You two have some things in common…”

“Breathing.” You said, but not as disgusted as you would have say it before. Ivar rolled his eyes but nodded, agreeing with you for once and noticing your change of tone.

“Yesterday, my royal couple, you had a fight.”

“So what? We fight all the time!”

“And that is what annoys the Gods, my King. They have plans for you two that aren’t realized because of your constant fighting. Yesterday I heard your fight and you said, I quote : “Ivar I swear I will squeeze your kneecaps if you keep glaring at me!” “then I will invert your rib cage Y/N!”. That was only two sentences of the long fight you had.”

You and Ivar looked at each other, slowly understanding how horrible you were to the other, but too proud to even think about changing. For once, the looks you had weren’t full of anger, they were almost respecful.

“Let the Gods guide you, let Freya do her magic on you this night.”

“Well, we won’t go against the Gods so give us the Freya’s herbs, seer.”

The rest of day was odd after your visit with the seer, Ivar was quiet, not yelling at his brothers or his men, he was just…quiet, going through his plans and ideas in pure silence. Ubbe was getting very worried, Hvitserk tried to act as normal as possible near him, until you entered the great hall, and oddly sat next to Ivar by choice. This made everyone ill at ease and even scared for some, as it was so unnatural. You were both silent, not going at each other throats but not talking nicely either, not talking at all actually.

The evening flew quickly, because no one stayed long after eating. The atmosphere was too heavy and they didn’t know why. You looked at Ivar, who only nodded before going to the bedroom. Once under the furs, you took the herbs and put some in Ivar’s hand.

“So are you ready, wife?” his question surprised you, he never called you wife before. But now wasn’t the time to think about it.

“Yes, on three. One, two…and three” and you both ate the herbs. Waiting for something to happen, none of you moved, but after some time you got really tired and fell asleep without even remembering it.

You woke up, and headed straight down the stairs in the kitchen. Ivar was here, making eggs. You bend down to kiss him lovingly.

“Good morning darling, did you sleep well? We have a long day ahead of us.”

“Yes honey, what about you? You moved quite a lot in your sleep this night you know. Is everything alright?”

“I did? Well yeah I don’t remember having a nightmare or else. I didn’t hurt your legs, did I Ivar?”

“No don’t worry. Go wake up the little monster, I’ll finish making breakfast for my girls” said Ivar, smiling while gently pushing your butt towards the exit from his wheelchair.

You entered the room, and approached the bed slowly, before gently stroking the little girl’s hair, kissing her head and whispering sweet words to wake her up nicely.

“Hi momma” she said in her little raspy voice. “Hi babe, sleep well?” “Yes but I’m hungry mom”. You chuckled, took her in your arms to go downstairs.

During breakfast, you look at Ivar with a knowing look, smirks forming on both of your faces.

“So sweetheart, your mom and I have a surprise for you: we’re going to spend the day at Disney today!”

“Really?!! YEAHHHHH” she ran into your arms yelling happily. “With the twins too?”

“No honey, the twins will spend the day at grandma Aslaug’s house. It’s only you and us today love. Sounds great?”

“Sounds awesome mom! Can I wear my princess dress?”

“Sure, go get ready princess!”

While she ran as fast as her little feet could take her, Ivar looked at her smiling, showing his white teeth. He was so peaceful, so calm, genuinely smiling, his eyes closed a little from how big his smile was. He was just so beautiful when he showed how happy he was. You didn’t even notice you were starring at him until he looked at you quizzingly, amused.

“What is it? Do I have pancake on my face?”

“No, no. You’re just…perfect for me. I love you, Ivar”

Ivar grabbed your face and crashed his lips on yours, looking at you with so much love in the eyes you thought you really saw hearts in it. “I love you too Y/N.”

Gasping, panting, sweating, Ivar grabbed your arm as you sat up, both of you trying to calm down and ease your breath. You looked back at Ivar, he seemed as confused as you, even more maybe.

“What was that?! Where is the Disney?”

You gasped, a dark look sitting on your face and you slowly answered him in a low, deep voice:

“Ivar, husband, is that really the only thing you remember from that freaking dream?! Are you serious?! We had three kids, our daughter was marvelous, you mother was alive, we were in love and you asked about this Disney? Really?!” This silent him, your angry look probably helped too.

“I… our daughter was indeed marvelous.”

Your heart was aching, you missed her so much, you wanted to hold her again, to kiss her head again. But it was only a dream, you didn’t even recognize anything of the décor around you. Your daughter, this girl, didn’t exist for real.

“Yes, she was, but… she wasn’t real, Ivar. We don’t have a daughter, we don’t have twins, and…we aren’t in love with each other.” A few tears were rolling down your cheeks, and you saw Ivar trying to prevent his from falling too.

“This dream, the love in it just felt so good, so real. I want that, Y/N. And…I want it with you. I know we aren’t getting along well for now, but with time and efforts, we will and maybe we will even… fall in love, and-and have children.” Seeing you were too shocked to answer yet, your jaw hanging a bit and your eyes wide open, he continued “I think if the Gods wanted us to see this maybe it’s because it’s what we should have…a family, with…love. What do you think, wife?”

“I-I…I think you’re right. Let’s try. Let’s become friends first and we will see. Deal, warrior?”

Grabbing the hand you extended towards him, Ivar pulled you back under the furs, close to him, a small but hopeful smile on both of your lips.

“Deal, shieldmaiden.”

[butterflyinthewell]

Well it’s Father’s day, but this is a different sort of “Father” :)

One of my favorite people in the world is a priest named Father Jim. He’s the first priest I ever met in my life, which happened because I wanted to go to church with my mom to see what it was all about and he was the priest saying the Mass. I was like “Who is that priest with the gorgeous blue eyes?” Seriously! He has the prettiest pale blue eyes I’ve ever seen on a person!

Father Jim has a very...how shall I say it?...memorable physicality and walking gait. I was really startled when he picked up the big bowl and gold chalice during what I would later learn was the Consecration where simple bread and wine become Christ’s Body and Blood. At first I went “Is he gonna drop that?” when he held them up. Then I told myself “girl, he wouldn’t be up there doing that if he couldn’t do it.” 

I didn’t go up for Communion because I wasn’t Catholic yet, but I was very intrigued watching everybody else go up and get it.

I knew he was Father Jim before Mass because it’s common for whoever is doing the announcements to say “The celebrant of this Mass is Father (priest’s name).“ The priest processes from the back of the church to enter during the opening hymn, and he leaves the same way he comes in during the closing hymn. Then he hangs out either in the back of the church or just outside to have a chat with people or bless them / their stuff (Rosaries, Crosses, etc.). I watched Father Jim walk by and he smiled at me as he passed, and I realized “Geez, this guy is good-looking...but he’s a priest! You can’t think that!" LOL!

My mom knew where he hung out in the back, so she took me to meet him. Of course my reaction when I think somebody is attractive is to get massively tongue tied. Father Jim is kind of tall (but not as tall as my dad) so I looked up right when he looked down. He didn’t look down on me in judgment at all, he smiled and “Hello, you’re a new face. How long have you been growing that hair?” (My hair was past my waist then, now it’s past my butt! :P)

I love it when the other person says something first, because it gives me something to go on and continue the conversation rather than start it. I just sort of blurted out, “Thanks, it’s been long all my life,” and totally forgot to tell him my name. Autism brain, thankyouverymuch... XD

My mom proudly introduced me by name as her daughter. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to shake Father Jim’s hand or not. I was initially afraid to because his fingers curl up and I didn’t want to hurt him. I’m VERY prone to squeezing too tight when I shake hands with people, so I offered my hand instead of just grabbing his. He took it with both of his and shook it, which told me handshakes are fine and not painful for him. He said, “Don’t worry, I only bite possessed people.”

I laughed my ass off. I thought priests were supposed to be super serious quiet people, but nope. They’re silly people like anybody else. 

Father Jim became a close family friend as my family got to know him better. He’s a huge MLB Angels fan, a Whovian (JUST recently discovered that one lol) and just a really cool dude. He came to my house a couple of times for dinner in the early 2000′s, and we took him to a few WWE wrestling events at “the Pond” (The Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim back then) where we all had a blast. We were at a Monday Night RAW once and that was so much fun. 

He blessed my parents’ marriage in 2004. They wanted him specifically. He’d transferred away, but came back because he wanted to give the blessing.

I recall he was the first person I ran to and cried on after my grandpa died from dementia early in 2001. I ran up to him and I lost my shit crying on his shoulder. I had been numb all day and then Father Jim opened the dam just by looking at me. It’s like he knew, and I hadn’t even told him what happened. I was yelling and freaking out because I felt so happy that my grandpa could remember who he was again now that he went to Heaven and I thought that was wrong. I thought we’re supposed to only feel sad when people die, so I kept saying I was sorry. 

Father Jim told me that I wasn’t wrong to feel that way at all. He said that’s a sign of my faith growing, and he told me that God reunited my grandpa with my grandma and that I would understand it more at Easter. I was finishing my long journey through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) and about to join the church. Now I wonder if God timed things to happen when they did for just that reason.

I remembered Father Jim’s words on Good Friday a few months later. Good Friday was a very sad, difficult day for me because I fully understood what Jesus went through on the Cross. But I was also very excited because the next night, the Easter Vigil, would be the night I was Confirmed and got to hold Christ in my hands at Communion for the first time. (I STILL feel that excited when I go to Communion!)

I remember my Confirmation moment like it was yesterday because this life-changing moment ended up being super hilarious. 

Father Jim Confirmed me.

He had just traced a Cross on my forehead with the Chrism and I asked, “Is that it? Am I Catholic?”

He mirrored my excitement and said, “Yeah! You’re Catholic!”

And I was all, “Yessss!” and he high fived me.

Later, at Communion, when Christ was placed in my hands, I was full of joy. I remembered what Father Jim said the Saturday my grandpa died and realized the joy I felt was just a twinge compared to how my grandpa was feeling in Heaven. That was special. It made me really understand that the sorrow of Good Friday and the joy of Easter is what we experience at the end of life, and that joy happens because of Jesus.

So ANYWAY...Father Jim celebrated his 25th Ordination anniversary on June 15th, 2018, and he personally invited my family to be there. So we went and it was wonderful. :)

* * * WARNING: Camera flashes. There’s a warning in the video before the flash photography starts. * * *

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0otT9UwWFE

[go2harsha-blog]

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th in Goa

In which Harsha Prabhu gets high on cake and a peace out!

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic: Harsha Prabhu

Arambol, Goa, 17 Aug 2019

I’m woken from an afternoon kip washed by strange dreams of escape - from what is not clear - by knocking on the door.

It’s Pritesh, my landlord, with the cake he’s supposed to be surprising me with.

Somehow, the Redhead’s managed to alert ‘British’ (as she calls him) all the way from Kyogle in country NSW, Australia, that my birthday is coming up and that he should get me a cake - and this is the result.

It’s a ‘Photo Cake’, made from Dutch truffle, veg, weight one kg, via a local branch of a bakery chain.

It’s got a pic of The Redhead and me, sitting on a sand dune, somewhere in the desert out of Jaisalmer in Rajasthan.

“I had to go through all her Facebook posts to find the right picture,” says Pritesh, with a note of stoic elation. He’s clearly proud of the cake. I’m gobsmacked by the icing, capturing a sweet snapshot in time.

I place the cake in the fridge and stagger back to bed to resume my interrupted kip - hoping, perhaps, to get a clue as to what I’m escaping from - when there’s another knock on the door.

“Pritesh, I’m trying to sleep,” I yell, but, when I get to the door, it’s Ajji (grandma), holding some steel containers in her hands: patal (wet) bhaji, cabbage upkari (dry curry) and boiled rice.

“Oh, I just had the gosale (a kind of gourd) curry and rice you gave me yesterday for lunch just now,” I say, in Konkani.

She gins at me, saying: “ I’m sure you can always eat some more.”

I remember the Redhead’s warning from earlier: They are trying to fatten you up for some reason. Watch out for that Ajji!

My midriff is clear testimony to the abject failure on my part to heed any such warnings, especially when it comes to Ajji’s cooking, which reminds me of my mother’s - coastal, Karwari, loaded with fresh, grated coconut.

Then the phone rings. It’s my cuz Mu, to wish me.

“Are you planning to send me some sapad (food) from Chennai?” I ask. “You can always do it via Zomato. I hear they’re reliable. And I don’t mind if the delivery executive is Muslim or Christian or whatever.”

“Always thinking of food, regardless of who’s delivering it,” says Mu, himself known as the Sapad King of Chennai.

There’s no point trying for that elusive kip. I decide to dive back into The Alexandria Quartet, by Lawrence Durrell, an old favourite. At over 800 pages, it’s my kind of book to read in the monsoons. A desert island bible, studded with jewels, like the sky at night after a storm.

Here’s just one; Justine on love: (”Damn the word” said Justine once. “I would like to spell it backwards as you say the Elizabethans did God. Call it evol and make it a part of ‘evolution’ or ‘revolt’. Never use the word to me.”)

Pomegranet sky, Arambol Goa, Aug 2019. Pic: Harsha Prabhu

Sunset paints the sky pomegranet; palm trees like silhouetted sentinels; large birds - crows? - flying home to roost.

We divvy up the cake, sending a piece to all the close neighbours. If you read in the local papers about  a section of the village of Arambol tripping on the sugary likeness of two desert nomads, you’ll know who’s responsible.

In the evening we make a beeline for Guru Bar in Anjuna to celebrate the Woodstock 50th anniversary.

Kittu Siqueira & Swapnil Naiak, organiser of the Woodstock celebration, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic: Pritesh Tari

Guru Bar itself was celebrating its 52 anniversary, a pointer to Anjuna and Goa’s nodal influence in the global hippie scene even before Woodstock happened in1969. Guru - fisherman and lifeguard of Anjuna - set it up as a beach shack, serving up his trademark veggie sandwiches and chai to the Goa hippie tribe, comfort food par excellence after a full moon all-nighter at Shiva Valley.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

Now his sons, Swapnil and Satu, have continued the tradition by running it as a year-long live music venue, serving up a smorgasbord of young and established bands from everywhere. Swapnil has lined up a four-day music fest to celebrate Woodstock.

With Shailu, Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

We’ve come hoping to catch Steve Siqueira and Kittu’s band. Kittu is an old connection. We grew up together in a complex of apartments in Colaba in South Bombay (as Mumbai was called in those days). Her father was Chic Chocolate -  the legendary trumpet player and composer. She belongs to the first family of jazz in India. And Steve, her partner, has played in all kinds of bands up and down the land.

Steve Siqueira, Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

I’m expecting to hear some cool jazz and soul, but, in honour of Woodstock, it’s only rock and roll - and I like it.

Kittu Siqueira, Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

They rip through all the rock classics - the Who, Rolling Stones, The Doors - but also do a whole lot of numbers by Steely Dan, Steve’s keyboards creating an arabesque of almost jazzy soundscapes, matched by guitarist Nevin Dmello’s iiquid rock riffs.

Puja & Pritesh, Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

At a break in the proceedings the second cake appears. This one, I find out later, is engineered by my sister, via a call to a friend in Mumbai, then one in Brisbane to get Kittu’s number, who naturally alerts Swapnil about my birthday. This one - a pineapple gateaux - is demolished in no time by everybody.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Pritesh Tari

Then Swapnil yells “Drinks on the house” and lays a bottle of Bacardi and a whole line of glasses on the bar and dishes up delectable rum cocktails to anyone who fancies one.

'Drinks on the house’, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

I take advantage of the mayhem to smoke a peace pipe with Kittu and Steve. Steve mentions the passing of Peter Fonda, whose Easy Rider expressed the zeitgeist of those heady days of the sixties and seventies. It was also a prophetic film : its free-spirited anti-heroes, who hit the road in search of the American Dream - aided by, yes, drugs, dames, and possibly the best movie soundtrack ever, chockers with anthemic rock songs from those times - end up getting murdered by red necked gun-crazy folk. Much like what happened to the rest of the US, the land of the free.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

Woodstock  - whose 50th anniversary we were marking - was not just about the music, the drugs, the sex, for those who got lucky - though these did help.

It was also about peace, love and brown rice for all.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Pritesh Tari

It was also about a revolt against the system and a rallying cry for evolution towards a better world  whose chords still resonate down the long years.

Especially in these lean times when peace, love - and rice - are in short supply.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Pritesh Tari

When fascism’s dark wing brushes our brow.

When the rape of the earth is the only writ that runs.

And climate change’s chaotic wind hits us in the face.

Celebrating the Woodstock 50th anniversary, Guru Bar, Anjuna, Goa, 17 Aug 2019. Pic:Harsha Prabhu

Revolt! Evolve! Peace Out!

As the song goes: “They got the guns, but we got the numbers.”

[darkwing-katy]

This has been a long, long, long week. For those of you interested, here is essentially what happened. Monday: I go to work. It's the one week that the school is fully closed so everyone can prep for the start of the new school year (which is exactly a week later, so this coming Monday). I get assigned to help this one teacher get her room ready. There is lots of heavy lifting. I spot Christian briefly and we share a wave. I sort through a crapton of books for the classroom and organize them by theme...sorta. Also there is lots of stapling and "is this straight?"ing. There is an all-staff luncheon and meeting that afternoon. I see Christian and decide to offer to give him a ride back to the school afterwards since I know he doesn't have a car. We sit at different tables because of assigned seating. I notice that even though his table was told they could get food, he goes to the back of the line and lets literally everyone else get their food before him. There are roughly forty people there, two of which are men, including him. This is a type of chivalry that I've never seen before in real life. Who is this guy? Where did he come from? I'm pretty sure he's secretly Leopold from "Kate and Leopold". As we are eating and waiting for the meeting to start, I keep looking at him, and I'm fairly certain he's glancing at me. One of the ladies at the front desk is seated next to him and turns and sees me. I smile and she laughs, then says something to him. He waves at me and she says something else, and I can read his lips as he replies, "Kate's cool." We smile some more. She laughs. I have to go to the bathroom when the meeting is over. Then I chicken out of waking back into the room to make sure he has a ride. Instead I sit in my car and wait for him to leave. He has a ride. Dammit Kate, why didn't you offer? I realize I don't know how to get back to the school from this place, so I decide to follow his ride. They end up going the wrong way and I have a moment of "HOLY SHIT THEY'RE GOING TO CVS TO GET STUFF AND I'M FOLLOWING THEM AND HE'S GONNA THINK I'M A STALKER AHHHHHHHH". Turns out they just went the wrong way. The girl who drove him texts me later to make sure I got home okay. I have somehow made a new friend. Apparently he was concerned about me since he knew I was following them. It's the start of a long week. I have decided to read all of Inkheart so I have an excuse to visit the library. Tuesday: I go back into the classroom. At one point I'm sitting at a table, cutting out waves. Christian pops his head in, possibly looking for someone else, possibly wanting to say hi to me. Who knows. We wave and say hi. I eat lunch with the girl who texted me yesterday. She's pretty cool. I have made a work friend. 10/10 was not expecting. I'm bummed that that's the only time I saw him, but realize that tomorrow is a day of meetings and surely, SURELY I will see him. Wednesday: the Day of Meetings. I have three meetings to attend. In between them I assemble four chairs and a table, and I'm so proud of myself for being able to follow instructions. Is this what adulting feels like? Is this why people buy furniture from IKEA? Is this why people build things? The first meeting is all about preschool stuff. It's fun. My boss is hilarious. The second meeting is after school staff. I go because I may or may not sub after school. Christian is there. The meeting is in the library. We smile and wave, and I contemplate sitting by him. But I'm too shy and I'm not that bold (at least when it comes to him) and I need to sit somewhere where I can read the instructor's lips. Alas. There is the occasional glancing at each other, and I make an effort to pay attention instead of daydreaming. Meeting number three (an IT info meeting that has two separate times we had to choose from) is the final meeting of the day, and the last thing on the agenda for that day. I am curious. Last week Christian asked me which session I was attending. I told him the 2-3pm. He said he signed up for the 1-2 session and he didn't think he could change it. He also thought the meeting was that week. So I've spent all day wondering if he did switch sessions. The clock is ticking. I resolve myself. "It doesn't mean anything. He just went to the other one. That's cool." Christian walks in. I am ecstatic. He waves and asks if he can sit by me. I tease him. "Didn't you tell me you were doing to the other one? I'm pretty sure you said that to me." "I never said that. I signed up for this one." Cue more grins and laughing. Then a very pregnant teacher comes in and he immediately offers his seat. I now have a teacher sitting between us. I am simultaneously impressed with his action and annoyed because I'm selfish and wanted to sit by him. Holy shit. Who is this man? Why is he so polite? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? Throughout the meeting we occasionally look at each other. Each time I feel like I'm blushing. Dammit, Kate, could you be any more obvious? Afterwards I go to the IT people and have them set up my work email on my phone. I see Christian talking to my new work friend and wonder if he's killing time, trying to wait for me. We nod at each other, he asks if everything's all good, I hold up Inkspell because i finished the first book and tell him I'm taking it. He laughs and says that's cool. This is all done via mouthing the words. The IT people are still messing with my phone. He leaves. I am kinda sad. He returns. I am amused. Also I'm still kinda reeling from the fact that he came to the session I said I was gonna be at and sat by me, even if only for a moment. This is a good indication that he is interested. The IT people are STILL dealing with my phone. He leaves, this time for good. I go to the library afterwards, hoping to say bye. He is talking to another teacher, and I can't keep killing time loitering like that. Reluctantly, I leave. He changed meetings for me. Holy shit, this might be a thing. Thursday: I see him once in the morning as I'm using the die-cutter in the library for bulletin board letters. I wonder if he saw/heard me singing to my Disney pandora. I'm fairly certain he didn't. I am both glad of this and disappointed of this. I finish the classroom I've been assigned and go to other classes in search of anyone who needs help. Another class needs letters. I volunteer to go to the library and cut them all out for them. They all seem to hate the die-cutter, so they are eager to let me do it. They don't know I have ulterior motivation. Insert maniacal laugh. I get there and play my music. Christian sees me and we wave and ask how it's going. Then he leaves. He probably has a meeting. I am kinda bummed, but I also know that I need to focus on being as helpful to the teachers as possible. We have one day left to get everything ready for open house. I stay late helping yet another classroom. Friday: It is here. The open house is tonight. Also my mother and my uncle are coming to visit me at work because they're curious. I am nervous but also excited. Mom knows about a Christian and I kinda want her to at least see him. I see him prior to their arrival and we chat for a bit about a painting project I offered to do for the library. He says Monday would be a good day to do it. My mom and my uncle arrive, along with my grandma. I was not aware that she was coming along. Holy shit, I hope she doesn't start telling everyone about her medical issues. Holy shit, she is. Grandma no. Grandma stop. We finally get to the library. Mom and I walk around. My stress level has risen and I'm regretting having my family come visit. I accidentally blurt out that she was fired from her librarian position without thinking about how inappropriate that was. Fucking hell, Kate. We leave the library and are trying to decide where to eat. I have almost got my grandma out the door when my mom points out a wagon. My grandma wants this wagon. She drags my uncle over to look at the wagon. I look at my mom. "Her hand was on the door. Why did you do that? Why would you say that?" Mom is clearly regretting her comment. Christian comes around the corner to talk to me. I tell him to save the Animorphs books for me and I'll come get them after lunch. He says he will. We chat for a minute, the three of us, and then my uncle finally gets my grandma away from the wagon. Christian bids us farewell and returns from whence he came. When mom gets into the backseat with me, she leans over and mutters, "He came out looking for you to talk to you. That's a clear sign. He likes you." I feel as if the family stress was worth it just to hear my mom say that she's positive he's into me. Now we know. We eat a delicious lunch and they drop me back off. I help with balloons (there is a hilarious incident involving helium), then I go to the library to get more books since we have 45 minutes to kill. Another teacher has taking the other animorph books. I am slightly mad at her. How dare she. I then help Christian go through the box of books to trash, and we and another girl make fun conversation. I realize I need to get back to the other building, so I walk with them to the trash bin out back. I tell them I gotta go to the other building and say byes and I'll see you later. Then I walk away, all the while throwing my closed umbrella in the air and catching it epically. I turn once more to say bye. Christian comments on my impressive umbrella catching skills. For good measure, I toss it up again and catch it. He laughs. I feel validated. After open house ends, I impulsively go back to the library. Maybe I can ask if he wants to get a coffee. Goodness knows I could use one. But I don't know how to ask if he wants to get a coffee. It's stupid. It's coffee. Why can't I say this. Why can I be so bold about some things and so shy about others. Fucking hell. We end up talking with a mom of a teacher. I learn that he wears contacts. Somehow the mental image of him wearing glasses is adorable to me and I need to see this in reality asap. I try to kill time when he walks away. It is raining, so I have an excuse. When he comes back, however, he has on his backpack and seems in a rush. There is car waiting for him. Oh. Well, there went that plan. He said bye and "Have a good weekend!" I say, "you too! Bye!" Then I leave. As I watch "Mamma Mia" with my mom, my aunt, and my cousins, I briefly entertain the notion of asking him out by singing "Take A Chance". I won't, but I'm amused by the mental scenario of what that would look like. I come home and type all this up. Holy crapoli I typed a lot. I am so tired. It has been a long week. I need to sleep. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll dream about him wearing glasses.

[aion-rsa]

Mucho Mucho Amor Creative Team Talks the Magic of Walter Mercado

https://ift.tt/2Cy03zW

Walter Mercado gave almost half the world their daily horoscopes, drawing 120 million Latinx viewers to their televisions every evening. Each of the astrologer’s fans got a personal reading which resonated with them, even though they shared their sign’s message with millions of others. Walter didn’t even have to consult his ephemeris. Mucho Mucho Amor, which can be streamed on Netflix, is named after Walter’s signature closing. Co-directed by Cristina Costantini (Science Fair) and Kareem Tabsch (The Last Resort), and produced by Alex Fumero (I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson), it is a loving look at the beloved and revolutionary performer.

Walter was one of the first mainstream androgynous Latin American figures and has become an LGBT icon, the Liberace of astrologers. He was also one of the first astrologers since Jeane Dixon to bring the ancient art to modern audiences. Before Marianne Williamson became one of Oprah Winfrey’s favorite things, Mercado offered a spiritual path inspired by a mix of Santeria, Christianity, Buddhism and the rising New Age movement.

Born on a sugar plantation in Ponce, Puerto Rico, in 1932, Walter knew he was different before he donned his first cape. He credited his late mother as his spiritual guide, allowing him to read books and study the arts. After a story got around about him breathing life into a dying bird, the people from his town dubbed him “Walter of the miracles.”

Mercado began his entertainment career as a dancer on Channel 4, paired with some of the best known dancers on the air, before being cast to act on telenovelas like Una Sombra and La Intrusa. Walter became an on air astrologer after comedian and producer Elfin Ortiz asked him, at the last minute, to fill in for another actor who missed camera time. Walter, whose reputation preceded him among the crew and dressed in an ornate period costume, improvised zodiac readings for the 15-minute slot and was an immediate hit.

Ortiz brought Mercado to Telemundo where he went from being carried on local Puerto Rican channels, to Primer Impacto, Univision’s top news broadcast, which broke him internationally. Starting in the 1990s, El Show de Walter ran on Univision for 15 years. Walter also had a daily radio horoscope show called The Stars and You, wrote a daily horoscope column which ran in People Magazine and El Nuevo Herald and published a quarterly magazine with aphrodisiac recipes, potions, incantations, predictions and advice. He also wrote seven books, marketed four perfumes, an album of dance songs, a phone network, and the match-making site “Passion Latinos.”

Cristina Costantini, Kareem Tabsch and Alex Fumero spoke with Den of Geek about the magic, miracles and Mucho Mucho Amor of Walter Mercado.

Den of Geek: Do you believe in astrology?

Cristina Costantini: No. I think we’re all healthy skeptics. I love astrology. I love learning about astrology, sometimes I attribute my behavior to being a Libra. I’m a bit of a skeptic like I am with every religion as well. I don’t claim to know the answer, but it’s certainly a fun thing to be a part of. It’s a fun culture. And so, I have Co-Star on my phone, which is an astrology app that a lot of millennial youth use, and I read my horoscope sometimes. But I think a lot of Latin culture is like that.

There are a healthy number of skeptics and then a healthy number of people who listen because it might be real. I think that’s how Walter’s audience was. I think so many of us were like, “We don’t know if it’s real, but it sounds good and it looks good, and I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.” That was so much of what Walter did, tell us that yesterday was hard, and tomorrow is going to be a better day. And for an immigrant community who really needs hope, that message is super important, whether you’re a believer in astrology or not.

Who, if not all, of you grew up watching Walter Mercado?

Kareem Tabsch: All of us. We all had this similar experience, which was really weird. In some cases several years apart, and grew up in different parts of the country, but every afternoon, 5:45, with our grandmothers. We were allowed to run around and be rambunctious. But then they were doing the toss-away “And now with the horoscopes, Walter Mercado.” That was the moment that you were going to shush, or you were going to get a flip-flop upside the head. It was appointment viewing. “Be quiet, listen to Walter Mercado, don’t you dare make me miss the horoscope.” It was four or five minutes which was all his segment lasted. But you could hear a pin drop. Which, growing up with a Latino, anybody that had the power to shut up an entire family, you’ve got to say something about them.

Alex Fumero: I grew up watching him at my grandma’s house getting dropped off after school. I would make a lot of noise, and then he would come on TV and I would get immediately shushed. I just remember having so many questions about him. He looked like a wizard. I wasn’t sure if it was a man or a woman. I remember distinctly asking my grandma, it was one of my earliest memories, “Is that a man or a woman?” And her responding, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s a man because he calls himself Walter.” And so, to me as an adult reflecting on that, this is astonishing. My grandmother was not particularly homophobic or machista in her ways, but she was kind of like a simple kind of country person, and that would have been very strange to her. And yet, she was very devoted to him, which stuck with me.

Costantini: We all had the same experience with our grandmothers. I remember watching it with her when she was babysitting us. I remember usually when she was about to cook dinner, and I remember she would pay attention, and my grandpa would always be like, “Who is this on the TV? Who is this charlatan?” But also, they kind of listened. They were like, “I don’t know. I’m going to say the machista thing to say, and then I’m going to actually listen because he might know the secrets. And he looks like he knows the secrets. And so, you have to listen just in case.” That was definitely how we all grew up with him.

Tabsch: He was like an insurance policy. You didn’t know if you were going to use it, but just in case, let’s pay attention to what he had to say.

Do you think Walter breathed life into a bird as a child?

Tabsch: I don’t know. As documentarians we asked ourselves this question in the process of making this film, what is true and what is not? We’re not necessarily believers. I might believe more in Walter Mercado than in Benny Hinn, but that’s because Walter Mercado is my style of guru, if I was going to have one. But at the end of the day, they were his truths. Whether it happened or not, it explains Walter Mercado. It’s either this wonderful flight of fancy, which explains the world that he created, or it was true, and everything he did stemmed from that. If it’s true that Walter is the Puerto Rican Dr. Frankenstein who brought a bird back to life, I’m not going to put my money on that, but he’d been telling that story for 88 years, so I’m going to go with it.

Costantini: I would say, and my Catholic grandmother would absolutely be mortified if she heard me saying this, but do I believe that a man died and then rose and he was the son of God? No. I actually don’t believe that that’s the case. But I also am not sure about Walter’s bringing a bird back to life. And at the end of the day, I think if you’re not introducing hatred into the world, if you’re not introducing division into the world, and people get hope and meaning from your message, then let that message be spread. And so, while I’m not a deep believer in Catholicism, or Hinduism, or Buddhism, I think that whatever it is that helps people love more people is a good thing, and we should promote. And so, whether Walter brought birds back to life or not, to be honest it doesn’t matter that much to me.

The documentary points out that people came to see him as a child to be healed and I’d like to know about the anecdotal evidence. Does it still continue as an oral tradition just among the people? Is his mythology building aside from what television has done?

Fumero: I would say we can only speak to what we witnessed. But I will say that anywhere we went with Walter, people wanted to go up to him, and they wanted to touch him, and they obviously wanted to take a photo with him, or just shake his hands. And he did have this ability to sort of look at you and zero out the rest of the world. So even when we met him for the first time, that was very much our experience. We were the only person there. And Walter was very generous about that. He would in fact act as though he knew the person. He would never say, “Nice to meet you.” He would say, “So good to see you again.” And you would ask him, “Do you know that person?” And he’d be like, “No, I never met that person in my life, but I love them.” I think that that’s the kind of energy that he brought to things, and I think that that is still very much alive. Especially amongst his core devotees, that’s very much alive.

Cristina, you did the film Science Fair. How does the “science fair nerd” explain Walter’s gifts?

Costantini: Science Fair was a world that validated me during the dark years of high school when I needed it most. And I think Walter had a similar effect on my life. He made us feel warm and fuzzy, and gave us hope when we really needed it. Do I believe in the science behind what Walter does? Probably not, but I know that life coaches have an immense effect on people. Psychiatrists have an immense effect on people because of the hope and guidance that they offer. I think Walter is similar in that respect. He was a life coach, and a therapist, and all these things, to a community that really didn’t have that kind of mental health counseling, that didn’t have those kinds of resources. I feel like what he did was super important for our community, even though I might not believe in the science behind the stars. I like to. It’s a beautiful story, and I hope it’s true.

More than being psychically gifted, he had more of a charismatic gift?

Costantini: Exactly. 100%.

I don’t speak Spanish, but I watched El Show de Walter. Not every week, but often. Do you think he had an ability to project the meaning of what he was saying beyond language?

Fumero: Definitely. When Christina called me to say she wanted to make a movie about Walter Mercado, and Kareem and I were already just about to begin making one coincidentally, she told me she had been sitting with the gentleman who edited both our film and Science Fair: Tom Moroni from West Virginia. He is a white gay man, and he loved Walter. And he and his friends in college would get together and watch Walter on TV and had no idea what he was saying. To this day, Tom doesn’t speak Spanish. I think that speaks to Walter’s energy crossing over into other spaces.

The part of the documentary where his ex-manager says, “I have no regrets,” is chilling. In speaking with Bill Bakula, did you get a sense of how he justified that contract?

Costantini: Yeah. I think Bill, in his mind: Walter signed a piece of paper that he should have looked at more carefully if he didn’t want that arrangement. He thinks this was a business deal, and the family got in the way and messed things up. Things were going great if not for the family. It would have continued on. We wouldn’t be here talking about Walter if it were not for Bill. Bill is the person who made Walter a superstar.

So, it’s complicated. He, I think, wanted to be part of this because, in some way, he wanted to memorialize the legacy that was his own as well. He is the person behind Walter that pushed him that far. But it is very complicated and sad. Bill and Walter maintain an immense amount of love and respect for one another, which I think confuses some people. Walter did not want to say anything negative about Bill. He would want to tell you Bill was his angel, and he was a genius, and he was his master. He even says in the film. So it was a tragic parting, but I think of it as a breakup of sorts. These are two people who loved each other at one point, and continued loving each other afterwards even though everything went terribly wrong.

Cinematically, he is perfectly slotted as the villain. He’s the Judas.

Tabsch: Yeah. I think that for us it’s important in making this film was to not inject any additional commentary than what exactly happened, and allow them both to share their truths and their stories as they were. For Bill, it was a very clear black and white problem: We had an agreement, you didn’t follow the agreement, and that’s why things came to an end. We wanted audiences to walk away with that feeling. I think it’s really hard to try to answer all the questions of something that was very, very complicated. And we certainly weren’t trying to villainize or exonerate anyone.

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At the same time, Walter got involved in things knowingly that I think he regretted. He talked about that with the 900 numbers. But certainly the fact that Bill was a key and crucial figure in maybe the darkest moment in Walter’s life, that is undeniable, whether he’s the villain or a really savvy businessman. We all want the viewer to come away with making that decision. There are some people who’ve also said how brilliant he was in making Walter a superstar.

Fumero: Just to add from a cinematic perspective, from a storytelling perspective, we were very conscious of the trope of the manager who abuses the client. So when going into it, we wanted to be cautious of tipping our hat too early to this, because then the audience’s focus rather than be on the story, or rather than listen to Bill’s. Bill is one of the experts on Walter. So in a way, if you lean in from the beginning into, this guy is the bad guy, the audience is going to dismiss everything he says.

I think that we also, not just because there is a turn, and yes that turn is dramatic, but also because from a storytelling device, it makes more sense to allow this person to lead you along. He’s one of the only people who can really from a documentary perspective. And then yes, we have to pull the rug out. The rug was also pulled out from under Walter in the same way. So I think all of that, I think we wanted art to mirror life in that kind of way.

In the documentary, Walter says he would never retire. Had he recovered, where do you think he would have put his efforts?

Costantini: He always had a million projects. He was working on a book he was hoping to finish. He was working on a tarot deck, which maybe we’ll help the family finish. We discussed him doing a movie with an actor, a narrative film. I remember we asked him who he would want to play him, and I suggested Gael Garcia Bernal, and he said, “Oh no, too old.” And then we said, “Who would you have play you?” And he said, “Who’s that boy from Call Me By Your Name?” And we’re like, “Timothée Chalamet?” And he was like, “Yeah. This would be a good opportunity for him.” I love that. The age thing is funny, but I just love that line, that this would be a good opportunity for Timothée Chalamet, the superstar. Very cute.

Many people know nothing about Walter’s dancing and acting. Can you tell me how that career change happened, and how it was a related performance?

Tabsch: I think it certainly influenced what we saw a great deal. He talked about it a bit in the film, that training as an actor. And Walter was a ham as an actor. You see a little bit of the telenovela. He chewed the scenery when he was on the screen. So he had this larger than life performance for everything. It was never la puerta. It was “La puerta!” And a lot of biting of his fists. And the dancing, particularly the flamenco and the ballet, I think it’s really evident when you watch him. I don’t think we knew the extent of it when we first met him.

When you realize he had been doing that for 15 to 20 years before he becomes Walter the astrologer, it all makes perfect sense. You almost can never look at the astrology the same way because you see the movement instead of his hand and his face, you see his diction and his delivery very, very clearly. And the fact that it was kind of accidental is just great. He was doing a show, a theater piece, and he was in the studio to promo something else, and the host had a guest that canceled, and said, “Walter, you always talk about astrology when we’re hanging out. Just talk about astrology now.” And then he did it off the cuff. You think about that, it makes perfect sense that he was able to use all of that training into this interest he had, and that that helped propel him.

You can’t talk about Walter without talking about the capes and the jewelry. How did the dance and acting influence that part of his presentation?

Costantini: Yeah, his jewelry was incredible, and so were his capes. We joked that the reason we made the documentary was so we could try on his capes. We tried on his capes every single chance we got. First we did it secretly. We would sneak, he would have been trying on some capes for a shoot, and then we would put them on after he had them on and just take pictures. Then we realized he also got a great amount of joy in seeing other people in his capes. Then every time we went to his house, we’d try them on and take pictures. We even got to wear them at the Sundance premiere.

How did Lin-Manuel Miranda come into the project?

Fumero: We knew Lin-Manuel was a huge fan of Walter’s because he tweeted about it various times. And we knew Walter was a Lin-Manuel fan because he said so on his own. I happened to have a mutual friend who is in a group with Lin called Freestyle Love Supreme. So I asked him “Look, Lin is going to Puerto Rico for Hamilton. Walter has said that he would like to meet Lin. He’s too old to go to the show itself, but he would like to meet him in some way.” I said, “Just send him a text saying, ‘Walter Mercado wants to meet you.'” And Lin was like, “I’ve turned down every press opportunity related to Hamilton in Puerto Rico, except to meet Walter Mercado.”

When you first went into the project, did you know you were going to find him? Would this have been made if he didn’t find him?

Costantini: I don’t think we would have made that documentary honestly without his involvement. It hinged on being able to have access to him and to his records, and his archives. I don’t think you have the story without seeing what he’s gone through. I would love for him to be memorialized in any way possible. I’m just not sure that we could have made a feature film, honestly, without his involvement.

Did he see what you were doing as his comeback?

Tabsch: That’s complicated in a sense, because if you ask Walter, he would say that he never left.

Fumero: Yeah, don’t call it a comeback. He’s been here for years.

Tabsch: It’s complicated. We talked about cinematic influences. Immediately Cristina and I both said, “Sunset Boulevard and Grey Gardens.” They were very true to form. Walter had been cloistered in his house in Puerto Rico for a decade. He would do things, but very, very small. Nowhere near in scale to what he’d done before. But as far as he was concerned, he was still a star. He used to describe it as, “I’m just taking a little break.” The break had lasted over 10 plus years. So that’s why when we asked him in the film, “Are you in semi-retirement?” He’s incredulous at the thought that he would ever retire. I don’t think he’d ever characterize it as that.

Tabsch: In making the film, that’s what we thought it was going to be. I thought we were going to be following his return to the limelight, that great comeback. And projects change. It ultimately ended up being his great swan song. But I think we all take a lot of solace in the fact that we were able to be with him as he had that final adoration, to send him off. That event in Miami was really meaningful for him, and I think you could see how meaningful it was for everybody who met him too.

The post Mucho Mucho Amor Creative Team Talks the Magic of Walter Mercado appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3fqV2YJ

[toomanysurveys9]

Are you currently listening to music? i am not. the television is on.

When was the last time you went swimming? a couple months ago.

Have you ever watched a meteor shower? i have not.

Is there something currently upsetting you? my bedroom is a disaster which is frustrating because i’m trying to fix it.

The person who last spoke to you in person, what is their name? wyatt mumbled baby gibberish to me.

The person who last texted you, tell me their name? jade.

Is there something you need to accomplish soon? i need to get our room done and ready before eliana is born. i’m almost 29 weeks pregnant, so that gives us 11 weeks which is probably going to fly by. i also need to call the doctor this week to find out exactly how long before i go in that i need to take the glu-cola stuff, and rules about eating.

Is it easy to get a job where you live? not really, unless you want to work fast food or a factory.. which i don’t want to do either. however, i’m thinking about becoming a part-time insurance person... but we’ll see.

Does coffee in the morning wake you up? i don’t drink coffee in the morning... i have cereal and usually a drinkable yogurt.

What/when is your graduating year? i graduated high school in 2012 and college in 2016.

Do you have a designated phobia? nothing diagnosed, no.

What was your favorite class to take in school? i loved my english classes, and choir.

Is there a letter of the alphabet you like above all the rest? not really, no.

Have you ever had a pixie cut? no. short hair looks weird on me.

Would you ever consider joining the Navy? no. i wouldn’t do well in the navy.

Is your signature legible? yeah, i think so.

Have you ever smashed your finger between two rocks? not that i remember, but i guess it’s possible when i was younger?

Do you own a pair of SkullCandy earphones? i do not.

What’s your opinion on people who put personal info as their statuses? their life. not mine. i don’t really care.

If the person you like/love proposed to you right now, you would say? we are already married...

Are you satisified with your current camera? i just use the camera on my phone.

Have you ever watched the miniseries “Band of Brothers”? i have not.

Has someone let you down recently? jacob i guess...

The last person you kissed, have you spoken to them in the last 24 hours? yeah. that would be wyatt. i talk to him a lot throughout the day.

When was the last time you felt ignored? yesterday... the last time i saw jacob.

Have you seen the movie Inception? i have. i think we watched it at school if i remember right and am thinking of the right movie.

What is the last digit of your phone number? 4.

Has someone you didn’t even know gone out of their way to be rude to you? i don’t know if they went out of their way, but strangers have been rude for no reason.

Have you ever dated someone with red hair? i have not.

Is there a scar on your body that you can relate to a specific memory? there are a couple of those, actually.

Does caffeine ever give you the shakes? nope.

If someone handed you $300 spending money, what would you buy? mattress for ellie’s crib and other things for her and wy.

Do you have uncontrollable anger? no. it’s pretty controllable.

Have you yelled at someone recently? kind of, yes. yelled at grandma when she started yelling at me when all i was doing was trying to look out for my child’s safety.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? once. other “scares” i did end up being pregnant.

The last conversation you had with someone online, was it important? not really, no.

Do you think you could be a good marksman? i’m not the best, but not the worst but no. i don’t think i’d be a good marksman.

Is smoking an immediate turnoff to you? kind of i guess. especially with asthma and kids.

Are your toenails currently painted? no. i never paint them.

How many pushups can you do, if any? i don’t know. probably none. haha.

Have you ever taken a yoga class? not really. we did some “christian yoga” in a stress and wellness class i took in college.

Notification emails from Facebook can get annoying, true? kind of. just because there are SO MANY.

If given the opportunity, would you legally change your name? nah. i’m alright with my name.

Has religion ever come between you and a friend or family member? not that i can think of, no.

Do you own any records? i do not.

What is your academic average? it was just... average... 3.3 or something (out of 4.0)?

Is there a technology brand you prefer? not really. i just don’t really use apple because i feel like you’re pretty much just paying for the name.

What was the last song that got stuck in your head? i don’t remember, to be honest.

Have you ever read a book that was over a thousand pages long? yeah. but i don’t think i finished that particular book.

Is your ancestry European? yeah. part of it is anyway.

Is there a foreign country that appeals to you? i mean, i want to visit italy. and the u.k.

Do you know the first word you spoke as a child? i’m pretty sure my mom said it was dada.

Do you know anyone whose eyes seem to change color? mine kind of do. wy’s seem to a bit too.

Have you ever had a friend who told a lot of white lies? yeah. it can be annoying.

Do you have a specific talent you’re known for? singing i guess.

Anything upcoming that you’re not looking forward to? my next doctor’s appointment. i have to do the glucose tolerance test and i just really hope it goes as well as last time. i don’t want gestational diabetes. my mom had it with my brother and he was ten pounds... and then it never went away, so she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

Does anyone you know confuse the usage of “to” “too” and “two”? yeah. quite a few people.

Have you ever been to a ceildh? i don’t know what that is right off hand so no.

When was the last time you cried because you were angry? i don’t remember. it’s been a few days/weeks. something like that.

Do you crack your knuckles or any other part of your body? very, very rarely. i used to all the time.

What’s your favorite flavor of flavored water, if any? don’t really have one.

Do you like fish and chips? i don’t really like to eat fish.

Who was the last person you purposely avoided? i tried to avoid the insurance person last night but they needed me so that didn’t work. lol.

Do you or does anyone you know own an antique vehicle? nope.

Has anyone ever called you “cold-hearted”? not that i’m aware of.

Have you ever sat on a bale of hay? i have. quite a few times. it’s not uncommon around here, especially around fall.

Do you like blueberries? i enjoy them. wyatt absolutely loves them. lol.

Has anyone ever told you that you were worthless? more or less, yes.

The last person you kissed, have you held their hand? yeah. a lot.

Would you consider yourself to be confident? noooo.

Is someone you know moving away any time soon? i don’t know. i don’t think so anymore.

Is your backyard big or small? it’s kind of in the middle. we’ve had bigger yards, but it’s bigger than we’ve had in quite a few years.

Are you right or left handed, or ambidexterous? right.

Can you see yourself in a mirror from where you’re at? i cannot.

If you jumped out the nearest window, would you live? i would. i’m on the first floor.

Have you ever heard the call of a loon? no..

Is there an animal that scares you? anything especially dangerous or venomous.

Have you ever touched an elephant? yeah. i rode one the one time we went to the circus a lot of years ago.

Have you ever been close to being nocturnal? nooo.

When you get blood tests, do you feel faint afterwards? usually, yes.

Do you know what color lipstick goes best with your complexion? i tend to prefer light pink lipsticks.

Do you think you will have a date for prom? i did have a date for prom. jacob.

Your favorite TV show: is it over or still continuing? still going. :D

Have you ever wandered around drunk at night? yeah. quite a few times. it’s my favorite hobby when drunk. lol.

Do you own anything that’s real gold? i don’t think so.

Are you any good at video games? noooo...

Are you afraid of being cheated on? i guess a little. it’s happened before.

Do you know how to play poker? basics, but that’s about it. i have to be reminded every time.

Can you do the hula-hoop? i used to be able to.

Is your face shape oval, heart shaped or square? i’m not sure to be honest.

Where you live, the emergency number is 911, right? yeah.

Have you ever had to call this number? unfortunately a handful of times.

Have you ever been in a play/musical? i was in a musical in middle school.

Do you prefer white boards or chalk boards? white boards i guess. i write better on them.

When was the last time someone asked you to go somewhere? my mom did this afternoon. we went for lunch and to walmart.

Have you ever been to an antique car show? i have been . my dad used to drag us to them all the time.

Do most of your friends have cell phones? yeah.

Is there a light on in the room you’re in? there is.

Is it anyone’s birthday today that you know? my mom’s foster sister.

When was the last time you visited someone in a hospital? mother’s day when my mom was in there.

Does anyone you know have a tongue that could rival Gene Simmons’? nope.

Did you ever make your own website on piczo? nope. i never do stuff like that.

Are you currently happy with life? for the most part, yes.

Have you ever been the cause of an awkward silence? oh, more times than i would like.

Are you eating anything right now? i am not. i’m not hungry.

Do you have small wrists? not really. they’re pretty average.

How many corners are there in the room you’re in? like seven.

Have you ever captured a butterfly? when i was younger i think.

Who has the nicest eyes you know? wyatt. and leslie.

Be honest, do you currently miss someone? not at the moment.

Has an ex ever liked you when you were long over them? yes. ugh.

Does the number 53 have any significance to you? nope.

So… How about that weather?

it’s so hot. i can’t wait for fall.

[godsizemylife-blog]

He shows up where and when I don’t expect Him!

It turned out to be just Sandy and me  yesterday, off to “hike” (definition: walking leisurely, talking about the Lord, and interacting with docents and people on the trails) at the botanical gardens and then the zoo, taking advantage of our respective memberships. We walked unintentional circles at the garden, enjoying some funny pumpkin “sculptures” like the poor guy painfully covered in cholla and a couple of gourd-os sitting at a logs only  campfire  toasting s’mores. One of the docents who struck up a conversation with us didn’t even know  the pumpkins were there, so we pointed her to, it turned out, the tail end of the pumpkin walk.

In our conversation there I shared a possibly too true insight a friend made in a Bible study group several years ago. He suspected one of the things that went unobserved and unwritten about all the times Jesus went off by himself to pray was (no disrespect intended) Jesus slapping himself on the forehead and crying out, “Oy vey,  these yutzes! Father, how am I supposed to work with these yutzes??!!” The fact that we’d steered the docent in the wrong direction only emphasized the likelihood of the Lord’s possible prayer …..

We  passed a beautiful red-flowered plant unknown to either Sandy or me. It looked like a cross between a Bougainvillea and a hibiscus, and though I don’t remember it’s scientific name, we decided it must be a bougainbiscus.  We listened to another docent manning a table of blooms, and he pointed us in the right direction to go see the butterfly pavilion, which was wonderful. Fluttering, flitting beautiful wings were all around us, and I state publicly that the fact it  takes four generations of monarch butterflies to make the round-trip migratory journey, and the great-grandparents of the returning lepidoptera aren’t around to tell their great-grandoptera where “home” is, clearly tells me there IS a Creator,Intelligent Designer, and Architect of all the wonders in the world. We wandered around trying to find our way out of the wildflower loop and drove down the road to the zoo.

More natural wonders awaited us on trails there: Komodo dragons, whose bite is venomous, so all they have to do is bite their prey  and wait for it to die; orangutans strong  enough to rip your arm off, but who spend their lives in the wild high up in trees and make “nests” in the  branches for sleeping; giraffes, and enough said about their incredible design. I truly enjoyed my two years of  working at the real zoo, after thirteen years of  substitute teaching in a very different ”zoo” setting. We encountered Hannah, one of Sandy’s friends from her church who works at the zoo while she’s attending seminary,  and since  she was being trained to drive  the  train (yes, pun intended) I told her about the songs I wrote for about ten animals the train passes. She said she’s be glad for me to send them to her.

We bought sandwiches for lunch, sat down on the benches around a shaded table, and continued sharing about some of the”God-incidences” in our lives., when an older woman pushing a young child in a stroller politely asked if she could shar our table, and we replied we were happy to share the shade.Since I know personally about the early childhood programs there, I asked if the boy was her grandson, and then told her about the wonderful breakfast programs that are an adult’s “ticket” to get up close to  some  of the animals in the zoo’s collection. I asked Paul, who’sfour, if I could sing a song for him, and commenced into, ”Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ in your muddy hole ’n’  keep your body rollin,’ warthog ….” to a tune only older adults always laughed at.

Being a bit humorous and silly seems to break the ice. Noting the cross necklace the grandma wore, I asked,”Are you a Believer?”

“Believer in what?” she replied.

I held up my own cross necklace and said,”In this.”

“I sure am!” she smiled, and a new door opened up for us to share about our  faith. Even though we are in different denominations, Jesus’ sarificial death on the cross – God Himself paying the horrendous penalty for humanity’s rebellion against God’s Holy authority and Righteousness AND love for us all – unites Christians of every “flavor.” So together we said the opening line, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible  tells me so!”

And here’s what it says:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Romans 3:23

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 6:23

BUT “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

And expanding on Romans:23 “Forallhave sinnedandfall short of the glory of God, AND  ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate His justice, because in His forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished – He (God) did it to demonstrate His justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have  faith in Jesus.” Romans 3”23-26

5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.  Romans 5: 5-11 NIV

God is Just, AND God is Love. Neither cancels the other. Only one unites them both perfectly: Jesus,Y’shua, however you say his name in your language. Jesus said:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.” Matthew 23:23 And after a long passage of “Woes,” Jesus cried out to Jerusalem with fierce love and longing to  bring everyone there into his loving, sheltering arms.

It’s BOTH Justice AND Mercy, in one perfect person to satisfy both. And how utterly amazing, relentless, selfless, pure and passionate is the heart of God who Himself teaches, leads, forgives, heals, bleeds, rises from death, justifies and redeems us!

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace  with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need… because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God  through him, because he  always lives to intercede for them. Hebrews 4:15-16, 7: 24-25 NIV

In Jesus we can drop the censure we hear and feel from ourselves and from others, and become, in praising and thanking God for his incredible gift of love, the incense in the censer held by our Great High Priest Jesus, rising up in a fragrant offering to the One who makes us pure, loved, and joyfully pleasing to God.

The pumpkins and butterflies and orangutans  and squirrel monkeys were fun, but sharing with “Mimi” and little Paul was pure joy! Behold what manner of love the Father has given us, that we should be called the children of God! And when Jesus drops into my life with connections like this, I feel the intense, outrageous love  that he IS! Love alive, love present, love embracing, love forgiving (oy vey!) and love overcoming.

a”…BUT…” to pray today: Father God, loving Lord jesus, sometimes I  don’t  sense your love for me. Sometimes I feel all too much my “yutz-ness” and all I sense is the censure of others, BUT you promise that your love never fails and you will never, ever leave me, ,so I’m asking you to show me your love, and you get to decide how, when and where. Feel welcomed into my life to surprise me,  Jesus! In your name I pray, and Holy Spirit, I’m listening, waiting AND watching __________________________________________________________

      Bougainbiscus, Butterflies, Silly Songs and Jesus Loves Me He shows up where and when I don’t expect Him! It turned out to be just Sandy and me  yesterday, off to “hike” (definition: walking leisurely, talking about the Lord, and interacting with docents and people on the trails) at the botanical gardens and then the zoo, taking advantage of our respective memberships.

[stardustjunkie]

On Family & Ancestral Healing Disclaimer: Its long! The background story is first, insights at the end. I don't think it's a coincidence that as I've deepened my relationship with the medicine I've also been deepening my connection with my bloodline. Working with Grandmother has shown me how to more effectively and tenderly work with my Grandmother! Now, there are many bloodlines running through my body, but this particular work is regarding my matrilineal side, my Lebanese-Armenian family, with whom I grew up with and spent most of my childhood years around. My grandmother, Makrouhi Arabajian, now Margaret Thatje, helped raise me from birth till we moved from California to Wisconsin when I was about 9 years old. My sister and I would fly back to visit once or twice a year, but as I got older the trips were less and less. Being the first born, my grandmother always felt a special connection to me and spoiled me rotten. She's responsible for my early sugar addiction and love of musicals! Getting older and better understanding the intricacies of a family dynamic, I learned just how difficult life was growing up for my mother and uncle, and how challenging spending time with my grandmother can be. Without going into too much detail, my grandmother was the first in her family to immigrate to America from Lebanon. she came here alone at 24 years old with a husband who was 35 years her senior and totally emotionally unavailable. This is my grandfather, Adebeg, who I knew at 4 years old as an old man who fed me sugar cubes and scared me wth his dentures. I now have his gold front teeth as a necklace from my uncle. So, being alone in a new world is pretty frightening. She was put to work immediately and, being a rebel, had to learn all the ways a woman "should" act and perform as a "good wife." She had children, my uncle Ademar and my mother Laila. They grew up isolated, lonely, over-protected, and without a voice. Though fiercely loved, it was a love from a mother who had nothing but her children in this new world, at least until the rest of the family came to the US. This fear of losing what she had was manifested in being that kind of person who covers their furniture in plastic to protect it, if that gives you any sort of simple context. My mother and uncle endured some neglect from their birth father and abuse from their step father. My uncle is gay and unable to share that part of his life, which because of his conditioned self-loathing isn't really a life. He got a good job that allows him to visit his mother often and take care of her. My mom got married, gave her mother grandchildren, divorced twice and continued to battle her deep depression and high anxiety. Being older and able to see the complex weavings of my family dynamic and being someone who is so dedicated to healing and understanding, I have all kinds of new perspectives and approaches thanks to Ayahuasca and my personal experiences through emotional wild fires. After my first experience working with Ayahuasca in March, in a beautiful, transformative, life changing 4-day ceremony, I was compelled to see my grandmother (among many other things I was compelled to do and not do, hehe). I budgeted and booked a flight for June, right after my second round of ceremony. That entire visit felt like one long, intensive healing quest. I was still riding the post-ceremony euphoric clarity and that allowed me to anchor in love, to be patient and curious in the face of challenge and disruption. I was able to, for the first time, really connect with my uncle and see his pain. He's focused on his mother and her wellbeing for so long that it's become an obsession that's sucking the vitality out of his life. He's consistently on edge, suffers frequent panic attacks, out bursts of anger, lethargic depression, and decision paralysis. All from a place of love and concern, but expressed in a way that is depleting his personal reserves and distracting him from the path of healing by redirecting attention away from himself. My grandma is a whole other story! To keep it brief, she's a born-again a Christian who's extremely stubborn, hypocritical, progressive when it comes to the heart of a matter but conditioned to be rather critical of absolutely everything on the surface. She glosses over conflict, wants the best from you but only if it's in the way she thinks is best, and loves to sing Armenian church hymns as morning prayer even though she lost her voice. She's hilarious, generous, so strong, and really a trail blazer. Last visit I considered moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to her. One of my jobs is as a caregiver for dementia patients. I thought, "Why am I caring for someone else's grandmother when I can be taking care of my own?" I considered indigenous beliefs systems regarding family, community, and caring for elders and how in our western world we've moved away from communal care because of the productivity based work schedules this life under capitalism and hegemony require. I considered who and what I'd be leaving behind, the sacrifices and compromises, and what sort of unknowns I'd be embracing. The ocean called to me, and I wanted to return to her. I was pretty convinced for a couple weeks. I waiting till I was back home and settled to reconsider such a huge move. Now, I've decided that I have much work I want to do in Milwaukee, and my community and creative endeavors thst are in Wisconsin are still alive and growing. Also, I want to be close to ceremony and my rebel family, the community that we cultivate and nourish. Now that I'm here again, a month later, Im seeing that my decision was the right one. My grabdmother is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, cooks for herself, cares for a delicious fig tree and lush rose garden. Shes got some health issues of course, but ultimately is pretty damn great for her age! I'm able to sit with her, listen to her stories and extract all kinds of wisdom through the broken English that weaves in French, Arabic, and Armenian words. I see that some of her health issues are mine- her having lost her voice but still singing as prayer, her digestive issues, her addiction to sweets. I have learned to receive messages of healing and guidance all around me. I have grown in patience and learned when to engage and when to float. I see now that the thorn is in my uncle's side. This trip has been energetically heavy and sludgey compared to last time. My uncle arrived on edge and hasn't moved from it. Yesterday his mounting stress, anxiety, and suppressed feelings erupted in a temper tantrum during a 3 hour car ride home from a family gathering. I knew what was going on, so I didn't breach the subject, making sure to allow some space on what was rather close quarters. instead, I focused on what I could've done better, what I could do moving forward. I sat in silent meditation in the passenger seat. Letting my mind and spirit journey, seeing myself as someone who can see the truth so clearly, but often burns when I should warm. I saw that because I know better in this situation, I have to be the one to do better. That though my perceptions may be right, my delivery is the most important part. I noticed that when it comes to a family members pain I have a hard time feeling compassionate. I get annoyed, irritated, angry. I want to tell them to get their shit together because I'm only 27 and who the fuck is helping me out? I allowed myself to see this part of me in my mind, to see where it arises in my body. I then asked myself why I cannot look at his pain? Why is it so uncomfortable to see an adult family member so vulnerable and suffering? I looked, in my mind, at his pain. I saw that he felt isolated, alone, and deeply lost to himself. I saw that I couldn't look at it because it was my pain, too. Then I asked for my higher self to elevate me to a vantage point of love. To see love in everyone and everything! Stop look passed ego and personalities and to see the love, the angel, the child within. To learn to soften into tender compassion. To break the uncomfortable barrier of affection and hold him of he needed it. I prayed to Ayahuasca to help me move this energy, to see where I am creating blockages, to see where I can provide support, where I can offer healing and love. I am being shown when to blaze and when to warm (to use Justin Tilley's words). I slept on it. In the morning I went for a walk while Ademar was doing work in the garden before the clear, bright, hot sun moved in. I sang what I call Chaos Songs- free association melodies and words, even if nonsense, with the intention of love and healing. I returned to my grandmothers mobile home and Ademar immediately came to apologize. I invited him to sit with me on the porch and talk. He explained everything that I already knew- his mounting anxiety, his feelings of being out of control, the helplessness, feeling isolated, the eruption. He started to cry. Just like in my vision, I was able to hold him, to tell him he's safe and I love him. We discussed how he spends all his time and energy focused on helping his mother and so has neglected to help himself. I encouraged him to find therapy back home, since the company he works for is really creative, progressive, and offers amazing insurance. He agreed. We discussed that grandma is really actually alright, and now it's him that needs the love and support. Now the sun is climbing higher, the air is hot and dry. My uncle is resting on the couch (that no longer is covered with plastic), my grandmother is awake and making Turkish coffee, I am washing figs and spooning olives into a bowl. Thank you for reading. Thank you to our plant teachers, to Ayahuasca for her terrifying, beautiful, infinite love and power. Thank you for these opportunities for growth. Thank you for this experience of life.