#you can't ignore it forever. i've tried and it doesn't work

[princesssarisa]

In the past I've shared other people's musings about the different interpretations of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. Namely, why Orpheus looks back at Eurydice, even though he knows it means he'll lose her forever. So many people seem to think they've found the one true explanation of the myth. But to me, the beauty of myths is that they have many possible meanings.

So I thought I would share a list of every interpretation I know, from every serious adaptation of the story and every analysis I've ever heard or read, of why Orpheus looks back.

One interpretation – advocated by Monteverdi's opera, for example – is that the backward glance represents excessive passion and a fatal lack of self-control. Orpheus loves Eurydice to such excess that he tries to defy the laws of nature by bringing her back from the dead, yet that very same passion dooms his quest fo fail, because he can't resist the temptation to look back at her.

He can also be seen as succumbing to that classic "tragic flaw" of hubris, excessive pride. Because his music and his love conquer the Underworld, it might be that he makes the mistake of thinking he's entirely above divine law, and fatally allows himself to break the one rule that Hades and Persephone set for him.

Then there are the versions where his flaw is his lack of faith, because he looks back out of doubt that Eurydice is really there. I think there are three possible interpretations of this scenario, which can each work alone or else co-exist with each other. From what I've read about Hadestown, it sounds as if it combines all three.

In one interpretation, he doubts Hades and Persephone's promise. Will they really give Eurydice back to him, or is it all a cruel trick? In this case, the message seems to be a warning to trust in the gods; if you doubt their blessings, you might lose them.

Another perspective is that he doubts Eurydice. Does she love him enough to follow him? In this case, the warning is that romantic love can't survive unless the lovers trust each other. I'm thinking of Moulin Rouge!, which is ostensibly based on the Orpheus myth, and which uses Christian's jealousy as its equivalent of Orpheus's fatal doubt and explicitly states "Where there is no trust, there is no love."

The third variation is that he doubts himself. Could his music really have the power to sway the Underworld? The message in this version would be that self-doubt can sabotage all our best efforts.

But all of the above interpretations revolve around the concept that Orpheus looks back because of a tragic flaw, which wasn't necessarily the view of Virgil, the earliest known recorder of the myth. Virgil wrote that Orpheus's backward glance was "A pardonable offense, if the spirits knew how to pardon."

In some versions, when the upper world comes into Orpheus's view, he thinks his journey is over. In this moment, he's so ecstatic and so eager to finally see Eurydice that he unthinkingly turns around an instant too soon, either just before he reaches the threshold or when he's already crossed it but Eurydice is still a few steps behind him. In this scenario, it isn't a personal flaw that makes him look back, but just a moment of passion-fueled carelessness, and the fact that it costs him Eurydice shows the pitilessness of the Underworld.

In other versions, concern for Eurydice makes him look back. Sometimes he looks back because the upward path is steep and rocky, and Eurydice is still limping from her snakebite, so he knows she must be struggling, in some versions he even hears her stumble, and he finally can't resist turning around to help her. Or more cruelly, in other versions – for example, in Gluck's opera – Eurydice doesn't know that Orpheus is forbidden to look back at her, and Orpheus is also forbidden to tell her. So she's distraught that her husband seems to be coldly ignoring her and begs him to look at her until he can't bear her anguish anymore.

These versions highlight the harshness of the Underworld's law, and Orpheus's failure to comply with it seems natural and even inevitable. The message here seems to be that death is pitiless and irreversible: a demigod hero might come close to conquering it, but through little or no fault of his own, he's bound to fail in the end.

Another interpretation I've read is that Orpheus's backward glance represents the nature of grief. We can't help but look back on our memories of our dead loved ones, even though it means feeling the pain of loss all over again.

Then there's the interpretation that Orpheus chooses his memory of Eurydice, represented by the backward glance, rather than a future with a living Eurydice. "The poet's choice," as Portrait of a Lady on Fire puts it. In this reading, Orpheus looks back because he realizes he would rather preserve his memory of their youthful, blissful love, just as it was when she died, than face a future of growing older, the difficulties of married life, and the possibility that their love will fade. That's the slightly more sympathetic version. In the version that makes Orpheus more egotistical, he prefers the idealized memory to the real woman because the memory is entirely his possession, in a way that a living wife with her own will could never be, and will never distract him from his music, but can only inspire it.

Then there are the modern feminist interpretations, also alluded to in Portrait of a Lady on Fire but seen in several female-authored adaptations of the myth too, where Eurydice provokes Orpheus into looking back because she wants to stay in the Underworld. The viewpoint kinder to Orpheus is that Eurydice also wants to preserve their love just as it was, youthful, passionate, and blissful, rather than subject it to the ravages of time and the hardships of life. The variation less sympathetic to Orpheus is that Euyridice was at peace in death, in some versions she drank from the river Lethe and doesn't even remember Orpheus, his attempt to take her back is selfish, and she prefers to be her own free woman than be bound to him forever and literally only live for his sake.

With that interpretation in mind, I'm surprised I've never read yet another variation. I can imagine a version where, as Orpheus walks up the path toward the living world, he realizes he's being selfish: Eurydice was happy and at peace in the Elysian Fields, she doesn't even remember him because she drank from Lethe, and she's only following him now because Hades and Persephone have forced her to do so. So he finally looks back out of selfless love, to let her go. Maybe I should write this retelling myself.

Are any of these interpretations – or any others – the "true" or "definitive" reason why Orpheus looks back? I don't think so at all. The fact that they all exist and can all ring true says something valuable about the nature of mythology.

[hopeluna-archived]

hi can i pls request mc snapping on the brothers while having an argument with them thxxx🌷🌷

(ahhhh i sorta got into this angst mood while playing nightbringer sorry😭)

✿𝆬.𖥔 ݁ ˖ | arguments

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ Characters: the brothers x gn!reader

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ CW: hurt/not really much comfort, arguments, no arguments on Beel's one 'cause I love him too much to hurt him, went a bit overboard angst on Satan lololololol :)))

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ A/N: took me forever but finally clearing out my asks cause i've gotten a bit of motivation! I hope u like it nonnie <333

m.list

↺ Lucifer

Lucifer goes quiet, silently reading your face having never seen you snap at him- anyone like that. He's too prideful to admit that both him and you were at fault, he felt like you had to admit your mistake but he was too focused on proving you wrong that he hadn't realised the exhaustion and silent frustration that had been bubbling on your face.

↺ Mammon

Mammon looks like he's been slapped, metaphorically. He subtly flinches away. He knows he should have noticed the dark bags of exhaustion under your eyes but he was ignorant and now you're angry at him. He's had people snap at him all the time but not you, never you. Mammon's heart races at the thought that you hate him now, just like everyone.

↺ Leviathan

Rationally, Levi knows you have just been exhausted from the entire day and didn't mean to snap at him like that. He also knows that him getting envious that you didn't spend your day with him when you were actually working just worsened your mood. But you always understood that no matter how he tried, he can't really control his sin....right?

↺ Satan

It is sort of funny he thinks, in a twisted way. Mostly its him losing his cool and snapping at you when he doesn't mean to. But oh how the tables have turned! Satan can practically taste the wrath emitting from you in the air. Its a bitter taste, like vomit. He wonders if you can somehow feel it too when he gets angry with you. Does your heart crack in two the same way his has now?

↺ Asmodeus

His words of poison halt at your venom. Only when you have stormed out of the room does Asmo snap out of his daze and realise that he had gotten too far which led to your anger bursting. He tries to shrug it off, it doesn't matter to him much. That is what he tries to convince himself when he feels his eyes water.

↺ Beelzebub

You never really got mad at him for his gluttony 'cause you are well aware that its something he can't really control, so Beel is surprised when you came home and snapped a little at him for eating the meal you made for yourself. He knows you're just tired, but he still can't help but feel his heart sink at your words and lose his appetite as it gets replaced with a pit of guilt.

↺ Belphegor

Belphie sits there idly, picking at the skin around his nails as he replays the words you said over and over again in his head before leaving the room and him behind. He wonders if he can sleep it off but that doesn't work when the oddest thing happens, he can't sleep. Belphie knows that you don't mean it, well at least he hopes you don't....

© hopeluna. Do not copy, translate, modify or repost any of my work in this or any other site. Do not steal or modify my ideas/concepts either.

[cinnamontoastcrunch-15]

Red Flags

Oh my god I've been so burnt out I'm so so sorry but I WROTE SOMETHING FINALLY

“Right, so…” Lily starts, settling down in front of the others with a coffee in hand, “what are we thinking?”

“I have a feeling we’re all thinking the same thing,” Mary says, shaking their head to themself. As Lily glances around, everyone nods in agreement.

Remus Lupin has terrible taste in men.

It’s an infamous fact among the group, really. Somehow, Remus manages to find every weird, rude, and downright horrible man on the face of the earth. He's not stupid, but he is impressively good at ignoring all of the warning signs. Lily remembers, more than once or twice, picking up the pieces, shouting at the exes, even stopping Remus from taking them back. It always sucks to see him that upset, and Lily just couldn't take it anymore.

So, they've developed a system.

It involves a lot of internet stalking, going through social media after social media, looking for pieces of evidence, things they can mention directly to the guy in question. If they can figure out if they're exactly the same as the others, which they usually are, they can scare him away before it’s too late. Remus isn't exactly… aware, of their system, but it works, and they need it to keep working. It's better that Remus is a little upset that his boyfriend of two weeks has ghosted him, rather than a painful betrayal.

This newest guy, though? They can't find anything.

“You’d think someone with the name Sirius fucking Black would have something slightly shady on his socials!” Marlene says with a groan.

“I mean, the name’s red flag enough, right? Everyone knows the Black family,” Peter says, but James is intervening before anyone has a chance to agree.

“Hold on, they essentially got rid of him five years ago. I don't know that we can still hold his name against him.”

Yeah, that makes sense. Unfortunately.

“Okay, well… what does he do for a living?” Mary tries, only to get a good few shrugs.

For someone who posts ten times a day, this guy is really quite quiet about his private life.

“I think he's a doctor,” Peter says eventually. “That’s what I found when I looked him up. Pediatric Surgeon?”

“Oh, so he literally saves kids lives,” Marlene says, exasperatedly throwing her hands in the air. “I'm sorry, he can't be Mr Perfect! This isn't how Remus works!”

Lily wants to say that maybe it is, maybe he's turning a corner, but she bites her tongue. They don't actually know anything real, anything substantial, about this guy. All they know is that he grew up in a very prominent family, and can build a careful social media presence. That means nothing.

They need to dig deeper.

“You know what this means, right?” Lily says grimly. “We have to meet him.”

Remus knows exactly what his friends are up to.

They think they're so brilliant at hiding their little… background checks on anyone he even so much as mentions wanting to date. Well, he can't exactly blame them. He's dated some absolutely horrendous people, and he knows that. Showing up at Lily’s as a crying mess wasn't exactly his finest moment, so he gets why they're so concerned.

Sirius, though? God, they’re never going to have to worry again. For a good few weeks, Remus had thought he'd made Sirius up. He's never fallen for someone as quickly as he's fallen for Sirius, even though they're taking everything so slowly. Honestly, he'd move in with Sirius tomorrow, if he asked, but Sirius is too good to ask that so soon.

That doesn't stop Sirius from panicking a little, as Remus keeps setting the table for dinner with his friends.

“What if they hate me? I mean, what if I set a really bad impression and they hate me forever-?”

“They definitely won't hate you. Believe me, you'll click with them. Especially James. I have a feeling he's going to love you.”

James is always the most supportive. He at least tells Remus before the others start to interrogate them.

“But what if-”

“Hey, don't panic.” Remus reaches out and takes both of Sirius’ hands in his. It sends a little thrill through him, the way Sirius’ breath catches in his throat. “Just… don't feel intimidated when they start asking too many questions, and you'll be fine.” Sirius nods once, and Remus squeezes his hands reassuringly.

There’s a knock at the door before they can kiss.

Remus groans as Sirius drops his head onto Remus' shoulder. He takes a breath and takes a step away, as Remus tries to quash the nerves. He knows how much they're going to love Sirius, but it isn't really helping. He doesn't want them freaking him out and scaring him off.

Still, it's too late to give them all the boot now, so, with a slight hesitance, he accepts his fate and opens the door.

“Hey, guys! You’re all here… at the same time,” he says, sticking a perplexed expression on his face. Mary smiles brightly as Remus steps aside to let them all in.

“What a coincidence, right?”

They’re really bad at hiding things.

James is the last one in, and Remus holds him back quickly.

“Please tell me they're not grilling him. Sirius is nervous enough.” He knows the answer already, but James shrugging apologetically only confirms it.

“They didn't find anything online. You know what that means.” Remus nods once, trying to bite back a groan. “They're doing it because they care.”

“I know. Just… please give him a chance. He's… Prongs, he’s amazing.” He watches James’ face soften, and it gives him the slightest glimmer of hope.

Maybe this'll be okay.

“So, Sirius…” Marlene starts, the moment they all settle at the table.

God, it's already starting.

“What’s your favourite thing about our Remus?”

Honestly, Remus is pretty sure that's a tricky question. He's never seen anyone answer it right. There's always something wrong with the answer. It almost feels like a cruel start.

“Oh, wow, I don't think I could pick!” Sirius says with a smile. “I mean, unless you let me pick everything,” he adds with a wink. It draws a smile out of Remus, and James is already positively beaming. The others, though, exchange a confused glance.

“What, so you can't think of anything?” Peter says disbelievingly.

“Oh, I just meant- I think everything about him is amazing.”

A blush immediately spreads it's way across Sirius’ face and, oh, Remus could look at him forever; could watch his face turn rosy until the end of time.

“What d’you think of his writing? Y’know, his breakout piece on euthanasia?” Lily asks, resting her chin in her hands.

“I thought his breakout piece was his intersectionality one?” Remus turns to him, stunned. He didn't even know Sirius had read any of his articles.

He's also right.

Christ, he must be ticking some kind of box for his friends.

“Right, this is stupid,” Mary interrupts Remus’ train of thought, and he's already dreading whatever they're about to say. “If you have any intentions of hurting him, we’ll quite literally kill you.”

“Mary!” Remus says quickly, his hand reaching out to grab Sirius’.

“No, he needs to hear this!”

“Why? Because you couldn't find anything when you looked him up?”

It's enough for the group to lapse into silence.

“Listen.” Remus forces himself to take a breath and slow down. “I know why you do all of this, and I get it. Really, I do. I appreciate how much you care. Sirius, though, he's… guys, he's wonderful. You don't have to worry this time.”

James nods, Mary also seemingly placated. The others, though, turn to Sirius.

Yeah, that makes sense.

“Honestly, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I wouldn't dream of hurting him. I'm falling in love with him more every single day-” He cuts himself off with wide eyes, immediately turning to Remus.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

“You love me?” Remus asks. It's almost like his friends just… vanish, in that moment. All he can see is Sirius, sitting beside him, telling him that he loves him.

“Shit, I didn't mean to say it like that!” Sirius groans, his face reddening by the second.

Okay, accidentally telling him that he loves him.

“I wanted to plan something nice, think of the right thing to say, not just- God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this-” He buries his head into his hands, muffling his panicked rambling.

“Sirius?” He tries quietly. Sirius just shakes his head minutely. It's really bloody endearing.

Remus is going to have to go about this differently.

Slowly, gently, he reaches out and pries Sirius’ hands from his face. He lets himself lace his fingers through Sirius’, as their eyes meet and Remus’ stomach flips.

“I love you, Sirius,” he says softly. “Christ, how could I not?”

Sirius’ face brightens in an instant, and Remus can't help but beam right back at him. He can practically feel the tension in the room lift.

He has a feeling his friends won't be worrying about him anymore.

[archangeldyke-all]

could you please write vika with a reader who has a hard time gaining weight but needs to? maybe just taking care of them, scolding them, reassuring them, etc. it'd be really helpful.

(tw: ed, you don't need to include this) i've been doing my best to recover from being heavily underweight but it's frustrating because of the mindset and my body working against me, it makes me feel so desperate, so anything helps! feel absolutely free to ignore this if you feel uncomfortable please, i won't mind 🫶🏻

of course!!

men and minors dni

when your doctors give sevika the go-ahead to start tracking your food and making sure you eat enough every day, she's thrilled.

your entire relationship, sevika's always wanted you to eat more. you're underweight, unhealthily so. she tried her best to get you to eat-- insisting you buy your favorites on date night in an attempt to get you to eat the whole plate, carrying snacks in her pockets to hand to you every hour or so-- but you'd usually just refuse her.

now though-- sevika's grinning evilly as she walks you back to the car from your doctor's office.

"what're you smiling about?" you ask, worried. sevika's usually so upset after your doctor's appointments-- worried about you.

sevika cackles. "your doctor just gave me the green light to give you the fuckin' royalty treatment babe." she says, grinning. you groan, and sevika starts to chuckle. "i'm talkin' breakfast in bed, every morning."

you snort, and sevika grins. "you think i'm joking-- but i'm not! you can't say no to treats anymore-- i'm gonna fuckin' spoil you!"

you just laugh, not knowing what you've gotten yourself into.

the next morning you're awaken to sevika entering the room with a full american breakfast. pancakes, hashbrowns, eggs and fruit-- it was all there. you cackle.

"there's no way i can eat all of that!"

sevika giggles and shrugs, climbing into bed next to you. "that's what i'm here for." she says.

and... surprisingly... you manage to eat a lot more food with sevika by your side, rubbing your back and hand-feeding you each bite, between her own bites.

and while the fanciness of your breakfasts vary-- it becomes a daily tradition in your house to eat breakfast in bed together.

(of course, sevika always complains when climbing in bed at night about the toast and cereal crumbs left behind in the sheets-- but that never stops her from bringing you a meal each morning.)

once she establishes one good, hearty meal in your day to day life, she takes it a step farther.

she learns to bake for you.

it's a lot of trial and error, but after a few burnt pastries, and one embarrassing call to the fire department, she managed to figure out the perfect cookies.

and every night before bed, sevika sits down beside you with a big glass of milk, and you guys snack on cookies before bed.

each week, she'll make a new batch. she loves to experiment with flavors, trying to find one that you'll love even more than last time. her favorite is snickerdoodle-- but she doesn't bake for herself. she bakes for you.

she starts offering you snacks more and more often.

sometimes, you take them without complaint.

but, sometimes everything catches up to you, and eating seems like the scariest thing in the world.

sevika sits with you, holding you the entire time as you cry and breathe through your anxiety, slowly stroking your back and kissing your head.

and then, whether it's ten minutes or two hours later-- sevika will sit beside you, kissing your head through each bite of your snack, praising you and thanking you for taking care of yourself.

"i want you around forever, baby. thank you for makin' it more likely." she whispers.

when you return to the doctor's one month later for a check-in-- sevika cries tears of joy when you step on the scale and have gained a dozen pounds or so.

she lets out a sweet sob of relief, right before she wraps her arms around your waist and spins you in a circle in the middle of the doctor's office. you squeal, and a bunch of nurses give you dirty looks, but this does nothing to keep sevika from pressing endless kisses on your head and face.

"oh, i'm so fuckin' proud of you, love." she whispers through her tears.

you get the same reaction in subsequent months, as your weight steadily, healthily climbs.

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[noparadiseinthis]

English is not my first language. Bear with me, Grammarly helps, but it doesn't work miracles.

About ties and shoes (or "when did it stop being 'us'?")

James Wilson/fem!wife!Reader

Warnings: James Wilson at a wedding is his own warning. Mentions of Wilson's infidelity and failed marriages. Angst without comfort. House surprisingly being an almost decent person.

Summary: You were never one to pay much attention to what other people wore, not even your husband. Until House commented on your new tie and shoes, which you'd never seen before.

Words: 1k

Things hadn't been on the best terms between you and Wilson lately, he always seemed stressed and tired, coming home late and going straight to bed. Ignoring your good night, your hugs, and your lovingly prepared dinner in the hope that this time he would bother to eat with you. Even the lunches you used to share during your breaks no longer exist; your messages are answered only with "Sorry, I've already had lunch." I. When did it stop being "us"?

Today would be different. You'd surprise him at the hospital and have lunch with your husband and House - your husband's husband - the grumpy man couldn't monopolize him forever. Over time, you ended up developing a reluctant companionship with House.

Taking the lunch you had prepared earlier out of your bag, you left work and started walking to the hospital, which was on the same street.

●●●

Recognizing you, the reception staff let you pass without much fuss, and no one gave you a second glance in the corridors. You didn't find your husband in the room itself, which must have meant you were with House, it was always House.

"Knock knock." You said with a smile, her knuckles tapping against the open door.

James turned around, a shy smile appearing on his face as you entered the room. House just looked up.

"Let's see if that isn't the lovely fourth Mrs. Wilson," he said in a monotone.

James glared at his friend, hating that nickname every time it was uttered, but you just rolled your eyes, having gotten used to it a long time ago.

"I brought your lunch, I thought we could have lunch together today," you muttered, approaching your husband with a smile and bending down to kiss his cheek.

"Own, he's still blushing" House mocked.

"Shut up," Wilson muttered, masking his red cheeks as he sank into his lab coat. "My lunch break is ending, actually," he said, a sad look appearing as he saw your disappointment and your dying smile, "but House's is just starting; he can keep you company."

"Ah," you gasped, your mouth hanging open in surprise as you tried to force yourself to smile.

"Oh oh, someone's going to sleep in the doghouse."

Wilson shot an angry glance, before looking back at you with a sad, reluctant smile.

"I'm sorry, darling." He bent down to kiss your forehead "I promise I'll make it up to you," he whispered into your ear.

So shaken, you didn't even bother to leave House's office, throwing yourself into the armchair from which your husband had left.

"Oh, we're staying then?" He said with irritation as Wilson walked out the door.

You knew that most of this picking on you was purely out of a habit of despising any human being, so you didn't let one more thing bother you while you opened your lunch.

"Oh, she's going to eat too"

Silently you placed Wilson's food on the table, pushing it towards him.

"Thank you," you heard him whisper.

●●●

"You've got to stop giving Wilson ties, I can't keep up anymore. What about the shoes? It's like he's a fucking dancer" House grumbled as he ate his food as if it had offended him personally, but as he hadn't complained yet, you could only assume that he liked it.

The clattering of your fork stopped immediately as you swallowed and processed what he'd said, raising your head with a deep crease between your eyebrows.

"I never gave James ties or shoes."

Gregory sighed.

"Never mind then," he muttered back, shrugging.

His words from years ago on meeting her made you wince. "When Wilson started wearing ties and new shoes I knew there was a future fourth Mrs. Wilson out there."

"What are you talking about, House?" you asked suspiciously.

"Oh, it's no big deal, I must have been mistaken. I know you two are fine, after all, Wilson has been leaving early every day to have dinner with you."

That was the last straw. House observed the myriad of emotions in you. The shock, the attempted denial, the sadness and hurt, and finally, the anger as you stood up abruptly and left the room without saying a word, but it wasn't necessary; he already knew why.

Staring at his wall, Gregory remembered a conversation from years ago. Wilson's words were still etched in his mind: "Oh no, she doesn't give me those kinds of gifts. She's the type who cooks for me and stuff, if I want something material, I'll probably have to ask."

He didn't feel a shred of remorse. Never meddled in any of your friends' marriages; didn't like their wives enough for that. You were... bearable. The kind that deserved to know.

●●●

A locked door. The door to their bedroom had never been locked before. The kitchen was untouched, where dinner would normally be ready and a plate prepared for him. James frowned, pulling out his cell phone to look at the date, wondering if he had forgotten any important dates.

"Darling? Are you all right in there?" shouted through the door, his confusion audible in his voice.

"Go away, James!" you exclaimed, your voice tearful.

"Are you crying? What's the matter? Talk to me, love." he replied, beginning to worry more and more.

"Get out of my life!"

Inside, you remembered all the good memories with your husband. All the times he reassured you and dispelled all your insecurities with his kisses and affection, how he made sure you knew you were the most important person in his life. How you were the idiot who believed that a man had betrayed so many times would change for you. How you deliberately chose to ignore your past, thinking you were marrying a different man. James Wilson never changed and never would.

●●●

House heard the noise on his cell phone and approached the coffee table to read the new message.

Wilson

What did you say to her, you bastard?

With a sigh, he off the screen. This was no longer your problem.

[genderlessghoul]

Episode 19482938 of me having Feelings™ and making Phantom pay for it. I do be projecting on that ghoul way to much.

Anyways this one is called "Phantom is a dumbass that doesn't want to use proper binder etiquette and Dew had to scold him for it. There's trans angst in it."

~1.2k

“When's the last time you took your binder off?”

Phantom flinches at the question, tries not to look like he's about to be caught in a lie. He doesn't take his eyes off the tv screen, this is a very serious game of Mario Kart. Dew is unimpressed by his attempt at ignoring the question and walks up to him, hits the button on the controller he knows will pause the game.

“Look me in the eyes, Phantom.”

His tone is commanding, there's no escape possible. The quintessence ghoul sets the controller by his side on the couch and looks up at the fire ghoul. 

“When’s the last time you took your binder off?”

He repeats, annoyance evident in his tone.

“Last night. I don't sleep in it, like you told me to.”

Phantom knows that's not entirely what he meant but he'll be damned (well… more than he already is) if he doesn't try to deflect.

“You know full well that's not what I meant. When's the last time you took a day off from it? And don't even think about lying, I'm the one who does your laundry.”

Phantom shifts in his seat, already done with the conversation. He's not fond of Dew babying him like this all the time.

“Why do you ask, if you already know?”

“Becauuuuse” the fire ghoul starts, crossing his arms over his chest “I want you to be the one to tell me what you're doing to your body. You might not like it but it's the only one you got.”

The younger ghoul slumps back against the couch and rolls his eyes. “I dunno, a week maybe?”

“Try two weeks.”

“Can't have been that long…”

“It has.” Dew's tone gets more firm as he steps fully in front of the other ghoul. Satanas, they can be stupid when they're so fresh. “You need to take days off from it, you can't just wear it for weeks like that.”

“Why not? I'm not sleeping in it, like you said. I'm not wearing it for longer than eight hours, like you said. I'm not doing physical labor in it, like you said. Feels like everything should be fine!”

“Are you trying to fuck up your ribs forever? Because it feels like you're trying to fuck up your ribs forever.”

“I'm trying not to want to jump off the abbey's roof. I thought you understood that well enough.”

Dew takes a deep breath and leans forward to rest his hands on Phantom's shoulder. His eyes focus on the quintessence ghoul's, who refuses to meet his gaze. He tries to soften his voice before he speaks again.

“I do understand, baby boy. But I can't let you be reckless with your own health like that. You gotta take it off now.”

Phantom lets out a sigh before bringing his eyes up to Dew. “I don't like the way it feels when I don't have it on. Especially now, it just… it's just been worse recently.”

“I know, baby. I know. Come, let me show you a thing or two that might help.”

He takes Phantom's hand in his own and gently coaxes him up, pulling him to the fire ghoul's room. He orders him to sit on the bed and take off his shirt and binder while Dew rummages through the drawers in his dresser for something. The quintessence ghoul is slow to obey but he eventually does, taking his t-shirt to hide himself once his top half is bare. 

Dewdrop makes a triumphant noise when he finally finds what he's looking for and turns back to the younger ghoul sitting uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. He raises an eyebrow at him.

“You do know I've seen you naked before, right? Like… multiple times.”

“Like I said… it's been worse.”

Dew's eyes soften on him, he remembers all too well what it was like to get those periods where even acknowledging the two mounds (more like knobs, really, in his own case) of flesh on his chest was too much to bear. “It's okay. You know we're working hard to get a date scheduled. In the meantime, you have to make sure you take care of your stupid lungs.”

He walks back to the bed, piece of fabric in hand and presents it to Phantom. “It's a sports bra. It doesn't do the same job as a binder at all but it'll help on days where you can't wear it. Rain wears one almost all the time now, just 'cuz it's more comfortable.”

Phantom takes it from Dewdrop and takes a moment to examine the piece. It's black and stretchy, but a firm stretch. The straps are thinner than he's used to, he thinks it might become a sensory issue but he wills himself to pull it over his head.

Dew's right, it doesn't do the same job as a binder, but it does help make his chest appear smaller. And it's a lot more comfortable. He tries taking a deep breath and finds no resistance or discomfort at all. He thinks he might get used to it. Dewdrop throws a loose shirt his way.

“Try it with this.”

Phantom obeys and walks over to the mirror mounted on the wall. The swell of his breasts is still noticeable but it's barely there. Enough to last a couple days, he thinks. Enough to give himself a break.

“If you really need to” Dew steps closer to him and settles in his back, watching both their reflection “we can try tape again too. I know it didn't exactly go smoothly last time but it'd be better if you let me help, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Phantom almost chokes on the word. 

Binder, sports bra, loose clothes, tape, so many things with so many rules just to make others see him the way he wants to be seen, just to make him feel better about his own body. His own body. He's seen the way his packmates drip with confidence, the love they have for the way they look. He knows some of them worked harder than others for it but they all have it. All he has is disgust and shame, no amount of hiding will change that. Why was he not summoned properly? Why is his body nothing but wrong?

He gets pulled back to reality by a warm hand turning him around and finding itself resting on his cheek. A thumb wipes away a tear he didn't realize had fallen from his eye.

“Hey, I know how it feels right now. More than most, trust me. I can see right through that look in your eyes, I used to wear the same. I still do sometimes. We do what we can with what we have but sometimes it feels like it's never good enough, like we will never be good enough for us. We are. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, even yourself. You deserve to love yourself, Ant.”

Phantom takes a deep shaky breath to steady himself and nods. “I know. Sometimes theory is just harder than practice.”

Dew smiles at him “We'll work on it then. Now… I believe you had a game of Mario Kart to finish?”

[karotka]

I've been rewatching IWTV and what's clicked for me were Armand's motivations for betraying Louis. On first watch I thought it was such a confusing and irrational thing to do. Now, obviously it was capital B Bad etc., but we all know that, boring question. But was it a logical (≠justified) decision to pick the coven? I'm starting to think it kind of was 🤔

The café scene is so heartbreaking, makes me kick and scream at the screen, Armand on his way to end it all and Madeleine asks why Louis doesn't want him to know how much he loves him, and Louis confidently replies, “he knows.” Reader, did he know? I feel like part of the tragedy is that it didn't really matter at that point.

Press pause on the betrayal of it all and look at the facts from Armand's perspective:

Louis is suicidal. He has an expiry date, the coven vampires don't. Louis is suicidal, the coven is forever 😂😂 To quote Lestat, “There is one thing about being a vampire that I most fear above all else... And that is loneliness. You can't imagine the emptiness, a void stretching out for decades at a time.” Armand asks Madeleine, “What will you do, in a few decades, when she throws herself into the fire?” and then finds Louis in a pool of blood, his wrist slashed. He voices this to Louis much later – when he has no right to demand anything from him, but the sentiment stays true – “You left me for death. Will I be on suicide watch for the next 1,000 years?”

Louis straight up murdered his previous lover. Now, we know it wasn't all that, but Armand didn't. Major red flag, anyone? “I killed him and he fucking had it coming.” And he DID, but that's beside the point, isn't it? Especially since we know Armand is just as capable of domestic abuse :') He knew that Louis wasn't the kind of person who would just take his shit forever. If you want somebody to trust you, don't let them know you took part in the murder of your ex, heartfelt advice from both of them.

Speaking of exes, Louis is SO not over Lestat. I mean, neither is Armand, they're such a train wreck of a relationship :D But yeah, Louis is not fully committed to Armand, denying publicly that they're companions, hallucinating his ex in the bedroom or while Armand is sharing his traumatic past and, most damning of all, refusing to join the coven.

From Armand's perspective, he's risking it all for Louis and Louis a) doesn't appreciate it at all, and b) refuses to do the bare minimum of getting along with his family. (If someone treated my daughter-sister the way Armand treated Claudia, I'd kill them with my bare hands, but Louis acts like he doesn't mind. Can you imagine me without the burden of her? :/) (and yeah, he could just leave his shitty cult, the same way they could have left each other during those 70 years. Shitty stability > loneliness, I guess.)

A minor point maybe, but the moment you know that Lestat is out there and wants revenge, that only adds to the expiry date part. Especially once Lestat is cooperating with the coven, because I imagine that while Armand is OP enough to fight the coven, all of them + Lestat might be a bit too much. Maybe Armand even hoped once Louis is out of the picture they could get back together? We don't really know what exactly was going on behind the scenes but Lestat's sheer existence is bad for loumand... It is what it is.

And Louis just... repeatedly ignores Armand's warnings. I mean, they both knew Armand was going to execute him that one time. They tried to make it work but Louis was living on borrowed time from that point. Add Armand's apparent MO of “everything I love must eventually burn down so I will take control of the situation by orchestrating the downfall myself” et voilà. He was given a choice and he chose.

And THEN he betrayed the coven for Louis at his most unwell. Iconic!

[nicnacsnonsense]

I'm thinking about Ed at the beginning of episode 7 and how he was getting ready to leave. I'm imagining that maybe the night before he tried making one last pass at Stede, one last try to see if Stede was interested, but still nothing. And Ed is being so blatant now, even more so than he had been with the "Run me through" thing and yet still no response from Stede. And Ed thinks that Stede can't possibly be this oblivious, he must be ignoring it on purpose as a way of letting Ed down gently. So Ed gives a subtle "message received" and starts thinking about leaving.

Ed's words the next morning make so much sense and hold so much weight in this context. " Prepare for the next adventure... I can't stay around here forever. Besides, a ship has only one captain." Ed got rejected last night and so now he's making plans to move on.

Stede's response (after a brief interruption from Roach) seems clear too. "Hey, listen, don't feel as though you need to rush out on my account. I mean, we're all enjoying your company here." He's letting Ed know that just because he rejected him that doesn't mean he's running him off. He's not going to make Ed leave or kick him out of the friend group.

This leads to Ed's last response of this interaction. "Mate, I know, I know. Me too. Uh, just, you know, I've stayed longer than I figured I would, and I just wasn't built for sitting idle, man." This is a polite fiction they're sharing in, an excuse for Ed to leave and get the space he needs without making Stede out to be the bad guy or forcing Ed to make himself vulnerable by admitting how much the rejection hurt him.

Stop. Rewind. The night before, Ed expressed his interest in Stede in a way that was very blatant IF you speak queer-coded gay subtext. Stede does not speak that language; he's never had the chance to learn before. He wasn't rejecting Ed, because he had no idea anything was on offer. So to him, Ed's plans to leave come out of nowhere, and the only explanation he has is the "only on captain" comment, immediately reinforced by Roach being confused as to which of them is captain.

This is what Stede is actually speaking to. Don't rush off on my account is him expressing that he, as the other captain in this two captain situation, is not bothered by it at all. And he reassures Ed the crew is fine with it too. There's no reason Ed has to leave.

Stede recognizes Ed response as a polite lie. Of course he does; you think Stede hasn't been subjected to hundreds, thousands, of polite dismissals in his life. Stede is too much, not enough, too soft, so weird, so boring. And to get brushed off by Ed, Stede's first friend, the one person that he thought understood him, that's devastating.

Stede has to keep Ed as a friend, so he does the only thing he can think to do: Be Better. It's never worked before, but it has to work this time, so it will. Stede will Be Better.

He finds the treasure map, excited to bring Ed the next adventure he was going to go out searching for. But Ed is still brushing him off, pretending that the map isn't real (of course it's real! its got tatty edges!) saying he wants to take a nap. Which fine, if Ed wants to keep throwing all these polite excuses at Stede, then Stede is going to use them against him. Ed said there can only be one captain? Fine, then Stede is the captain and he's going to make Ed come with him on this adventure to fix their friendship and prove that Stede can Be Better.

Except, stop, wait. Ed is not giving Stede the brush off. Remember, to Ed, Stede reject him last night and now Ed is expressing the desire for a little space. And even if he's not willing to say outright that he was hurt by the rejection, in expressing the desire at all, he is implying it. And now Stede is ignoring Ed's request for space and throwing Ed's own vulnerability back in his face to force him to come along. What an unbelievable asshole move.

Ed is pissed now, of course. He's being forced to spend time with someone who just rejected him to do something he wasn't interested in doing at all, and he didn't even get lunch! So he's pissy, but it's because Stede is being dick, so he doesn't care who knows it.

And then Lucius calls Ed a dick. And suddenly the whole situation gets flipped. Stede put this day together for Ed, presumably because he took Ed's comments about the next adventure and sitting idle as a serious expression of desire, and tried to deliver on that. Does Stede actually return Ed's feelings after all? Does it matter? Stede is Ed's friend who deeply cares about him, and that is a relationship worth preserving.

Meanwhile poor Stede is at the end of his rope. He tried to Be Better, and once again he failed. He always fails. Except now suddenly Ed has changed his mind. Does Stede know why Ed flipped scripts out of nowhere? Again, does it matter? Ed is here now, putting in the effort to engage with Stede and cheer him up. He's Stede's friend again; everything is going right again.

The day ends well enough that Stede is willing to reach out once more that evening. It is perhaps part apology for using Ed's words against him earlier that day, part offer, and part request. "I don't know if I, well agree that a ship can only have one captain."

Ed hears the offer clearly this time, and makes one of his own, "Yes, well, I suppose if you found the absolutely two perfect people, then they could potentially…"

And then, finally, after a long day of hurt and talking past each other, now together, in every sense, they say,

Co-captain.

[hughiecampbelle]

Succession Preference: Giving Them The Silent Treatment

Requested: hi hi! I've been loving succession, I think Tom and Kendall are my favorite characters <3 Could I request a preference for the siblings (+ Tom or Greg if you're comfortable, totally understand if you don't wanna add them) making it up to their S/O after an argument? Maybe their S/O has given them the silent treatment and they wanna fix things?? Or something like that, it's totally up to you <3 - @meltingsandwhich

A/N: Shai!!!! I love this idea!!!! Thank you for requesting!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Connor would want to rip his hair out. The thought of you being angry and hurt enough to give him the silent treatment kills him. Forgotten and ignored as a child, the silent treatment doesn't sit well with him. It reminds him too much of his father, ripping open old wounds. He gives you the space you need, but eventually it becomes too much. He has to talk to you and he needs you to talk to him, to acknowledge him. He apologizes profusely, desperately, the people pleaser in him coming to life. You're still upset, but you realize immediately what you've done. You did what Logan has been doing to him his entire life. You apologize, too, putting into words why you were so upset. Your relationship isn't perfect, especially after a fight, but you know you cannot do that to him again. You have to talk it out, you have to address things, you have to break the cycle. Connor is more than happy to do so, hating the long stretch of silence.

Kendall, I think, would be just as petty at first. When you stare at him, mouth closed, anger radiating out of you, he realizes what you're doing and tries to beat you at your own game. He can only last a few minutes before his own insecurities devour him. Why aren't you talking to him? Is it over? Did one fight murder your whole relationship? He can't listen to the quiet anymore, finding any way to fill it. He screams and yells and begs, but you're stubborn. One too many times he has broken his promise to you, he has broken your heart. As far as you're concerned he deserves to suffer. You want him to. Not forever, not forever, but in this moment? It's all you want. He kicks furniture and makes a mess, yelling, angry, hurt. You can't keep it in anymore and you stat yelling, crying, telling him all your pain. Everything he's put you through. He promises to do better, to be better, that this will never happen again. You're not sure if you believe him. You're not sure you'll ever believe him again.

Shiv sorta pretends nothing happened. She asks you if you want to order in for dinner after a few days of not speaking. You can't believe it. It makes you even angrier, causing you to give her the silent treatment. By not speaking, you're forcing her to address it. You just stare at her as she goes through the drawer of menus. What? Are you seriously still mad? This frustrates her, causing her to become defensive. You're being irrational. You're being insecure. Funny, you say, you're starting to sound like your father. That hits hard. The fights you have are volatile and downright cruel. Afterwards you have to nurse your wounds, you take a few days, before going to one another. There isn't necessarily an apology spoken from either of you, but it's as close as you're going to get. You go back to normal after that. You're sure one of your fights will be the downfall of your relationship one day, but that day isn't this one. You know Shiv doesn't mean it, and neither do you, it's just the kind of thing you were raised to do: go for the throat.

Roman feels incredibly anxious when you give him the silent treatment. He can't stand it. He tries to fill the silence with jokes, but it doesn't work. His one defense mechanism isn't working nor is it appropriate. When is it ever? You break him down with your blank stare. He feels jittery and nervous and nauseous. Finally, he asks you what's wrong. Is this about our fight? Fuckin- seriously? He can't believe you're still upset. Of course I am, you say. He senses your frustration and he braces for the worst, flinching when you step closer. You explain to him, yet again, that though you're upset, you would never dare hurt him. He kinda wishes you would, at least then it would be all over and you wouldn't have to talk about it. You don't care that it makes him uncomfortable, you don't care if he squirms the whole time, you are going to address what's wrong in your relationship. He's not sure where to start, relying on you. You make up by talking it out in a serious manner, so that he understands.

Bonus! Tom is a big gift giver after an argument. Though he didn't grow up with money, he's quickly learned that if you throw enough of it at a problem, it'll go away. He knows you typically get quiet after a fight so he lets you be. In the morning he'll have something expensive and thoughtless wrapped up in a bow. You've learned that there's typically a double meaning to what he gets you and it often leaves you more hurt than you already were. You don't want something that cost a lot of money, you don't want something wrapped in a bow, presented to you like it's a million fucking dollars, you want him to change. You want to stop having the same arguments over and over again because, though he promises you he'll be better, he never is. That's what you want. You know if you said this though, it would fly right over his head. He doesn't want to change. He likes himself just the way he is. That's what you can't stand, that's why you go silent.

Bonus! Greg is pretty much oblivious to your silent treatment. He thinks, after your fight, which is less of a fight and more like a tense conversation when it comes to Greg, that everything is cool. Everything is going to go back to normal. He comes home after work talking about how Rome punched him in the arm and he thinks he's getting somewhere with Mencken when you ignore him. Sore throat? Are you coming down with something? No Greg, you say, frustrated, you're still mad at him. Oh. He didn't think you would be. He thought you got all you needed out when you were talking to him. You have to explain that the conversation you were having was actually a fight, that he participated in it, and he said some pretty hurtful things. Oh. He apologizes, but there's always a "but" in there with an excuse. That's what you're talking about. He's learned from the best at Waystar how not to take accountability.

[yukkoislost]

i am BACK GODDDAMN sorry no magical girls or md omori to be seen atm 😞 i have ocs tho LMAO

listened to my heart?? and decided to draw ocs before i go absolutely insane. i mean i have three perfectly fine md ocs to work on so i might as well

i never did tell you what i had planned for asta huh

oc dump below cut that no one asked for <3

the three musketeers of my account HDJEHDHS

allow me to introduce them properly, i guess?¿ they each have their own individual posts but those posts were kinda rough around the edges,,

ASTA ✨

asta is my first (disregarding older ocs) md oc i've made. she's ridiculously smart (for the most part) but is also inherently a scaredy cat. she hates change and hates the unknown, sticking to a routine that she's used to for comfort.

like doll, she doesn't have her parents anymore and they're also partly the reason she doesn't have a courage. her parents' death had killed her curious spirit. they had always been more overprotective of her, considering they had both escaped unscathed out of the cabin fever labs situation.. (070 and 072, working on that) if asked, her strongest emotion is Fear. she's allowed it to control her life so much she doesn't know what it's like to live, despite being alive. because of this, even though she had been offered a spot with the cheerleaders, she didn't take it as it would mean a deviation from her comforting routine.

of course, her routine can't last forever. life in the bunker is boring but it was safe, and that's all she needed. (going into how she would be a part of the story? in progress though) she and uzi never knew each other personally. she sat at the back of the class while uzi was towards the front. she preferred not sitting too close to her because of her, uh, personality and actions? either way, she doesn't feel safe with uzi around because of uzi's inventive mind, and her tendency to do and create dangerous things (e.g., her sick as hell railgun. and also the whole braiden thing). asta wasn't necessarily shunned, she just had a small group of friends that she preferred sticking to (until doll killed them in the days going onto the promening)

getting the absolute solver string was NOT on her to-do list, but as mentioned, routine doesn't last forever. she hated the solver string and actively tried to ignore it, but it was difficult because if fucked with her systems and caused her to crave oil (which is a whole other thing and also the point where she finally accepted that she can't keep brushing away what she doesn't want to face). did i also mention she hears the solver's voice in the back of her head, because yeah that happens.

either way, since gaining the solver's string, she is also made aware that uzi and doll both had it but didn't try to reach out for help, still strongly controlled by her fear. my plan for asta was similar to how nori was the solver's secondary host (since cyn wasn't on copper-9 at the time), she would become puppet to the absolute solver, and in turn the third official host because of how lowkey she was and doll and uzi not knowing she had the solver. naturally, asta hated the idea of becoming a pet for the solver and constantly tries to override the solver's control on her (eventually succeeding. it leads the solver to want her death because it fears that asta will take over)

this is all canon divergence ofc :3

SERIAL DESIGNATION E 🐾

my second md oc, and first and only disassembly drone oc (for now? maybe haven't decided). serial designation E (also known as E or cerberus) is the outcast of his three-drone-squad. he had once tried to fit in better with the rest of his peers but after the first attempt, decided that it was too bothersome and they didn't deserve him anyway. or, that's how he phrased it in his lonesome.

he's the laziest of the bunch and hates any extra movement, preferring to kill prey quickly than to draw it out and have fun. he only hunts when his oil levels go down to 15% and if given the choice, he would've chosen to not need to eat at all. he isolates himself and has a small space set up away from the pod and essentially, his squad.

he didn't always used to be like this though, as mentioned whenever he tried his best to fit in with the rest, he did work hard. it wasn't enough though (nothing ever is). outcasted for his strange feature of having three nanite tails instead of one, he was always made fun of and in the beginning was also nicknamed Dog by his two other squad members since he wanted so bad to feel like he was needed and important to them, to the point he would willingly have done anything for them. but that was in the past. there's no point.

as a butler in the elliot manor, he has occasionally come across J, V, N and cyn. hard not to when they hang around the young mistress so often, especially J as her personal maid.. or something. he doesn't remember too well. much like his currently disassembly drone self, he took whatever shortcut he could find back in the mansion. he isn't a good person. he wasn't good then, and certainly isn't any better now. maybe a little. back in the manor, he hated doing work. he severely lacks motivation and seriously can't find a reason that he should be bothered other than the humans could kill him, or whatever. it didn't matter, or maybe it did? he wants to live (does he?) he doesn't remember.

anyway. that life is far behind him now. his squad was sent to copper 9 by JcJenson in spaaaaaaaaace (i forgot how many A's were in the space) to clear out the worker drones of course. he's got a chunk of missing memory somewhere in his head.. somewhere dark and somewhere fleshy. probablly not important. he remembers his quad but he can't find them, only alerted that a new pod and three new disassembly drones had landed– J, V and N (where was the other one? who was the other one? someone is not missing)

the forest breathes life into the dead landscape.

how long had he been asleep for?

OCTAVIERY 🦉

the oc that y'all would be familiar with. octaviery has more posts than asta and E combined (i think). the accidentally acquired child of N and uzi somewhere within the events of cabin fever

the good, quiet child of nuzi,, if you disregard his love for 'extreme sports' (read climbing into places he doesn't belong, and eventually getting stuck like an idiot). since his parents are both verbally loud and open, he never really had to ask for anything himself because his psuedo-parents dealt with it for him, leaving him to be the only introverted person of their small family.

he grows faster than a normal drone would, and thus reaches the age of a young teenager even while uzi is still in school. (yes, he is, in fact, taller than uzi. not taller than N though)

he doesn't know his true purpose.

AND THEN I GOT LAZY TO TYPE🤞

[desertthorn]

Ok, I'm getting caught up in Face and BA's practically non-existent relationship. I could go on forever, but I'm on mobile with long nails, so I'll stick to some bullet points for now to preserve my sanity.

•One thing I've noticed is how fucking difficult it is to find examples of Face and BA interacting. Just them standing next to each other is a whole lot of work to track down. 9 times out of 10 Face is next to Hannibal or Murdock where he feels most comfortable, ironically the same goes for BA. BA will take an order from Face at the appropriate times, but when they stand next to each other, they hardly ever interact if at all. One exception is that BA doesn't tend to react to anything Face says unless he's angry like in 'Black Day at Bad Rock' and 'Chopping Spree' or unless he's making fun of Face. In fact, I've noticed BA almost only ever teases Face. He yells a lot at Murdock and will argue with Hannibal, but he will outright make fun of Face.

It's also some of the only times BA smiles and laughs. Nearly every time this happens, BA isn't looking at Face at the time. He'll have his eyes on the road or being doing something with his hands that his eyes never leave. When Face ever tries to engage with BA, there is almost no reaction at all.

Face just waits for the tiniest nod before he moves on.

But once in a great while we get something like this:

This is one of the only times I can think of that they actually have a conversation. Face is complaining like he does, and BA responds with something insightful.

So to sum up, minus orders, there are basically three types of interactions between them.

1- BA mostly ignores Face while Face tries to talk to him.

2- BA teasing Face.

3- BA is angry at Face.

So why do you think that is?

• Here's what I've been thinking about.

Face lies for a living, BA doesn't like lying. Let's start there. I think when Face looks at BA and tries to talk to him, BA chooses to not react because it gives him the upper hand. Can't get scammed if you don't play your part. Not that he thinks he's being scammed, but BA has seen enough to almost always have his guard up. There is a lot of respect for Hannibal that let's BA feel more comfortable around him and with Murdock he gets affection whether he wants it or not, that's just how Murdock rolls. So for BA he's not making a choice until it comes to his interactions with Face. Now for Face, he has the same thing with Hannibal and Murdock, no emotional work needed there, but when it comes to BA he's at a loss. He can't scam his way into friendship with BA, but he can't be too genuine either. It's in his nature to also have his guard up, so there are two walls put up between them at all times. The biggest difference is you can tell Face wants to be friends with BA and despite the walls, Face trusts his friend/not friend probably more than he realizes. The poor kid was probably pretty lonely as a child so having this little family means a lot to him even if he is somewhat unaware of it. When Face tries to leave, he address the whole team, but it's BA who responds first. It seems to kinda take Face by surprise. So he tries to make light of the situation. Look at the two of them at the end here:

It's probably the only time they've ever embraced and it's clearly uncomfortable, but neither of them hesitates. Their guards both drop for just long enough to be friends. I know everyone focuses on Murdock in this scene, but I always notice this more.

•One last thing I'd like to add is from 'Black Day at Bad Rock'.

While Face is pacing back and forth in Dr. Sullivan's living room talking about how BA is gonna kill him, Hannibal says "Face, BA loves you." When Face doubles back and says "he does?" Hannibal responds, "Told me himself" (those lines are from memory and may be a little off, but the intention remains). Face is genuinely taken aback by every time he is informed of or experiences BA's affection for him, cuz he honestly can't see it 90% of the time.

Then there's this:

It was one of the only times we see them make eye contact and see BA smile. I'm not gonna get into much more here than BA starting angry and ending with him making fun of Face, there's too much here lol, but this is the best example of their dynamic.

.

.

I've gotta go, I can only type with one finger for so long, but I've been sitting on this and had to get it out. Feel free to add on!

[promitto-amor]

Opportunity

It's been a WHILE since I was on Tumblr, but I find myself inspired to write and Mark Hoffman reappeared in Saw X at the most opportune time...

Summary: Mark Hoffman has a special interest in the Rook at his precinct. After she blows off post-work drinks for a date, Hoffman can't let the opportunity to make a move pass by when she turns up at the bar with a familiar date.

Pairing: Mark Hoffman x Ivy Reeves (original character)

Warnings: Language!

There aren't nearly enough Mark Hoffman fics out there so this is my contribution. Who doesn't like a jealous Hoffman hmm? Ivy is mine from a fanfic I never finished years and years ago. I've brought her back for this one shot because she needed a name for this fic to work. Please feel free to insert your own name! This is pretty PG for me! Also I will forever headcanon that Adam lived. 👀

Mark didn’t like work drinks. Ever since he had been converted, the thought of alcohol always turned his stomach to lead. The temptation to once more travel down the path of blackout nights was always too great and Mark had to keep his wits about him.

He couldn’t afford to slip up. One slip up could spell the end for him.

Clenching his fist around the non-alcoholic beer that had sat in front of him for the last hour, Hoffman surveyed the throng of drinkers. Among them was Fisk, his occasional partner and first Detective on the Jigsaw case. A man that was too simple for this world, simple enough to have achieved the rare feat of never prompting Jigsaw to put him in a trap. Beside him was Rigg, a future victim, but for now Rigg could live his life in the ignorance that his time was being drained as fast as his third drink. Kerry looked how Mark felt. She’d spent most of the night staring at her gin, too down about Eric Matthews to be in much of a social mood, despite Rigg’s encouragements.

It seems that Matthews himself really was the life of the party. Too bad he’s stuck in some cell of Jigsaw’s making to join them for Friday night drinks.

The only other person who could have made the night somewhat better would have been Ivy. The youngest on their serial killer task team, Ivy had taken to staying late, volunteering to take on swabbing through the heaps of evidence recovered from the latest game. Whether this was due to a morbid fascination with Jigsaw’s modus operandi, or ambition to get ahead in her job, Mark wasn’t sure. But it certainly made the nights when he had to stay late less lonely. With his fellow co-workers becoming more despondent since Matthew’s disappearance, Ivy’s lack of inter-work relationships was refreshing.

Ivy made the best coffee in the office and was the only person to remember that Mark took his coffee black.

A body slumps down beside him, Fisk leans in close to him. “Reckon I’ll be able to get two weeks off?”

“You planning a vacation?” Mark tips back his glass and tries to finish it, but there’s too much left to down in one.

“Thinking of it.” Fisk admits, “I feel like things might be slowing down. I know we had one last week but…hey doesn’t look like anything big is planned.”

“Could just be a matter of time.”

“Maybe,” Fisk grins. “All the more reason to be out of the city when it happens.”

Mark would like to trap him for that alone, but sadly if he could have left New Jersey and Jigsaw behind, he would have been in Europe by now. There was a time when he thought about it. Around the time Ivy had become more present in the Jigsaw case, Mark had allowed himself to fantasise about starting a new life in another country. A new face and a warm smile to wake up next to. But John’s recent resilience across the border in Mexico had proved Mark will never be free until Jigsaw and his puppet apprentice were both dead.

Fisk casts a look round the bar, “Where’s the rook tonight?”

“You’ve gotta stop calling her that.”

”I know,” Fisk nods. “Force of habit, besides she is still new to the task force.”

“Even so she’ll punch you for that soon.”

“I notice you’re avoiding my question.” 

Fisk is eying him and so Mark has no choice but to grumble out, “She has a date.”

“Interesting.” Fisk enunciates every syllable and leans back on his bar stool. “Any idea who?”

“No.” Mark seriously considers ordering a shot, “That’s all I know.”

“Good for her.” Fisk says, “For making sure she has a life. Important that, you know?”

Mark’s known him long enough to get the hint, “I’m fine, Fisk.”

“I know,” Fisk says again, his eyes now on Kerry. “I guess better to be single than caught up with a married colleague.”

Maybe John would allow Fisk to be trapped on the basis of being a gossip?

The bar door opens a couple of times as Fisk continues to chatter about a variety of topics. Mark offers one worded answers whenever suitable. On the fourth time the bar door opened, Adam Stanheight walks through the door. He doesn’t know who Mark is, but Mark knows the wannabe PI well.

This kind of dive bar is where he’d expect Stanheight to frequent. A place where lost souls gather to watch the same generic rock bands, play pool and eventually hook up. Exactly why Mark’s precinct usually favours it. Easy to get lost in the flow of people that gather. It is not the sort of place anyone should bring Ivy Reeves on a date.

She slides in after Adam. Rigg spots her immediately and sends her an enthusiastic wave. Ivy pauses on seeing her coworkers, whispers something to Adam and he too looks over. Adam’s eyes dart from Rigg to Ivy and on her taking his hand the two make their way to the bar. Mark notes Ivy puts as much distance between their position and her position at the bar as possible.

Fisk’s eyes are watching everything unfold, “Isn’t that-“

“Yeah.”

“From the bathroom game.”

“Yes.”

“The one that just appeared.”

Ivy had been the one to speak with a nearly dead Adam Stanheight, who appeared at the Angel of Mercy hospital at some godforsaken hour. He’d been dumped in an empty bed and hooked up to an IV with saline solution. Apparently it had given the nurses quite the scare and when all Adam could say was the word ‘bathroom’, the hospital had been quick to call in the Jigsaw task force.

Mark knows who freed Adam. He’d heard the same rant from Amanda over and over about how interfering Doctors should stay in their lanes.

On that rare occasion, Mark had agreed with her.

Ivy’s eyes track across the room and Mark hopes she might be looking for him. Taking the opportunity before him Fisk calls out, beckoning Ivy over. Mark waits for her to find him and once she has Mark offers her a small nod. She looks away and her hand subconsciously tugs at her top. When she turns back to them Ivy holds up a finger and Fisk shoots a smirk at him.

“What are the odds?”

“She can date whoever she likes.”

“Never said she couldn’t” Fisk is watching him like Mark has become his favourite TV show. “You jealous?”

“She’s ten years or so younger.”

“So?”

“Shut it, Fisk.”

Ivy accepts a drink from Adam, who hasn’t stopped talking since they arrived and takes a cautious sip. When she thinks it’s been long enough, she glances over at Mark again. He catches her eye again and this time, Ivy has little choice but to whisper in Adam’s ear and make her way over to them.

“Did you know we were coming here?” Fisk ask as soon as Ivy’s in earshot.

“No,” She says, leaning in close to hear Fisk over the chatter. “Adam knows this place, an ex-friend of his used to play here.”

“Hoffman’s been missing you.”

Mark’s definitely putting Fisk in a trap. Even if he has to lie about the reason. Ivy’s eyes slip back to him, “I doubt that. You all look like you’re having so much fun.”

“Sarcasm?” Mark asks and Ivy sends him a shy grin.

Adam sidles up behind her. He rubs the back of his neck, “Didn’t think I’d see you guys so soon.”

“How you doing?” Fisk starts up small talk with Adam, as if he really cares about his recovery. This leaves Mark the perfect opportunity to corner Ivy. He stands up and leans on the bar, blocking Fisk and Adam from her line of sight. “How’s the date?”

Ivy sips her drink. Her eyes look in all directions but at Mark as she searches for her answer. She’s uncomfortable. But for what reason? Is it because she’s out with a victim of the case she’s working? Mark doesn’t even know if that would count as a conflict of interest. Ivy finally answers in a voice low enough that Mark has to lean in, “Adam’s my usual type. He’s nice enough, made me laugh on our first date.”

Mark places his empty glass on the bar top. “But not enough on a second date?”

Ivy’s fingers tighten on her own glass, “I thought I would enjoy it more than I am.”

“What’s wrong then?”

She glances over at Kerry and Rigg, “I should say hello to them.” She glances back to him, as if asking permission.

Mark seizes the opportunity, “You knew we were going here. Did you convince him to take you here tonight?”

Mark didn’t need to be a Detective to read the guilt that washes over her. “I wasn’t feeling it much when I agreed to go out again. I thought if we came here, where you were, I’d have an easier way out.”

He presses in a little closer to her. Ivy’s eyes jump over his shoulder, like a skittish doe, no doubt checking on Adam. Mark knows he’s sizing her up, the dare evident in how he’s gotten so close to her. “Do you need a way out, Ivy?”

“No.” She balks and takes a step back. She tips her drink back, places the glass on the table and crosses the short distance to reclaim Adam from Fisk. She leads her ‘date’ over to the pool tables and Mark retakes his seat by Fisk.

“I like him.” Fisk announces, “He plays electric guitar.”

“He still stalking people and taking their pictures?”

Fisk shakes his head, “Didn’t ask, but I doubt it.”

Mark’s eyes stalk Ivy as she collects the pool cues. Adam is lining up the balls and then he’s leaning over Ivy, helping her break. Not that she needs help. Mark’s certain Ivy’s played before, judging by how she lines up her shot and pockets a stripe.

“I’m going home.” Mark announces, “Someone’s gotta be coherent in the morning.”

“Yeah, me too.” Fisk nods, “I’ll tell the others.”

Mark sidles over to the back exit, where he’ll deliberately pass by Ivy. She’s leaning against her pool cue, chalking up the end when Mark presses himself behind her to get past. “Your opportunity is leaving.” He murmurs in her ear, hands finding her waist. He knows it’s a cheap move, but Ivy tenses deliciously under his touch. He doesn’t care whether Stanheight is watching or not. Mark pushes open the back door and heads for his car, parked just a couple of feet away.

Thankful he’s made it another night without drinking, Mark puts the key in the ignition and waits a couple minutes. Just as he’s about to drive away, the backdoor opens. Ivy walks straight for his car, opens the passenger door and climbs in.

Mark leans back in the driver’s seat and waits for her to speak.

“Just take me home, Mark.”

“I don’t know where you live.”

She turns her head to face him, “Yes, you do.”

Mark sets off. He lets the silence linger between them as Ivy plays with her fingers. The small bag she’s been carrying around all night is on her lap. Mark can tell the silence is eating at her, but she’s too stubborn to speak first. When they are less than five minutes away, Mark gives her some mercy. “What did you say to get away?”

“I said forensics had found something.” She heaves a sigh and runs a hand over her face, smudging some of her mascara. She’s still beautiful to Mark.

“Why’d you lie?”

“Because I wanted to be with you.”

Her admission unsettles him as much as it pleases him. To have won another kind of game, one Mark has rarely ever let himself play is thrilling. He could see how it could become addictive, but Mark isn’t going to be smug about it. Not much. “I didn’t think you’d entertain the idea of someone like me.”

It should be more of a warning than it is. He should be pulling over, telling her to get out. Mark knows he should do everything he can to make her hate him. But Mark can only resist one temptation tonight.

Ivy doesn’t answer as he pulls up outside her apartment block. Mark smirks as the cliche, loaded question leaves him, “Do you want me to walk you upstairs or are you good?”

Finally, she looks at him, “Do you want to?”

He bites back a growl. “Of course I fucking want to.” He says, holding onto the last remnants of his restraint. “You’ve been on my mind all fucking night, Reeves.”

She reacts at once, climbing across the gearbox and onto his lap. Mark just pushes the seat back in time as Ivy settles herself. His hands don’t know where to hold, his bravado from earlier abandons him when Ivy is bearing down on him in all areas. She looks down at him for a second and then her lips are on his. 

--------

How tempted I was to keep this going, but sometimes a tease is better than full smut no? You can let your imaginations go wild from here. 😈

[mrghostrat]

Omg hi!!! I found your ineffable streamer au like 20 minutes ago and have been BINGING it all. I literally love it so much. And I was wondering, what do other characters do in this au? Are they also streamers? I have been obsessed with beelzebub and Gabriel recently and am still not over them.

Sorry for bothering!!

yessssss. so. i'm not sure if all of these will be mentioned in my fic, but i've planned them out just in case. this got long, so im folding it up to save the dash

quick precursor for everyone less familiar with twitch culture, a Stream Team is just as it sounds: a group of streamers on the same "team", usually for promotional purposes (your team is listed on your channel, and shows all the other channels in that team). sometimes it's just a group of friends who want to have a name and banner, sometimes they're more professionally put together, with collaborations and promotional opportunities for their members.

crowley used to be a member of The Demons, a casual stream team of chaotic, slightly toxic friends. current Demons include beelzebub, shax, and furfur (amongst others). aside from beelzebub, crowley can't stand any of them now and does his best to ignore/avoid them. he'd much rather stream independently than tie himself to a team and all its inevitable politics and drama.

a team that's more explicitly mentioned in my fic is The Dark Council, a professional-level team of variety streamers. socials are run by dagon, and fufur is ITCHING to be noticed by them.

gabriel is a bit of a work in progress for me. i think he's aziraphale and crowley's partner manager (basically twitch staff, managers are liasons between the company and the contracted streamers, who will answer questions and assist them with promotion, account issues, taxes, irl events etc).

i'm toying with the idea of his dual identities being tied to his twitch account: IRL he is Jim, a chill guy who is new to the whole world of streaming, but has years of excellent pr/marketing experience. he doesn't really know anyone yet and is still trying to prove himself as a new staff member, so he slips into a bit of a fake-it-till-you-make-it mask of confidence when he's working, speaking more brashly, typing more professionally differently in work emails, getting right to business. aziraphale likes him because he knows he's sweet enough underneath it all, while crowley calls him gabriel as a joke because his username is SupremeArchangel -- so it takes forever for anyone to click that he and aziraphale have the same manager.

ooh and they've been mentioned in other posts here and there, but to keep it all in one place: nina and anathema are crowley's mods, and i think anathema streams games and tarot readings for fun here and there. newt and maggie are aziraphale's mods-- newt yearns to be a streamer and he tries often enough, but always runs into some kind of issue where he locks himself out of his vods or his audio desyncs halfway through. i like to imagine that aziraphale has many mods like tracy as well, just a big rotation of people who pop in to help whenever they can.

[dross-the-fish]

its just sad that both Victor and Henry (victor) didn't gave a name to the creature for different reasons... While Henry wasn't given the time to teach and to actually name it, I don't think canon Victor would want to name Adam after his "failure". But aside from Adam, the movie creature didn't have yet the intelligence to actually name himself :( he was in forever the states of the beginning of book Adam.

This ask is pretty old but I've been giving it some thought. I have my own headcanons for why Victor refused to name Adam. Aside from the most obvious interpretation, that Victor had rejected his work and did not want to assign personhood to his creature by naming him or that he was dodging his responsibility I think he also didn't want to give Adam any kind of name because when you name something you make it "real"

For Victor to be the one to give the creature a name is to acknowledge that he is, in fact, Victor's own creature and I feel like that's just not something Victor is ever able to fully face. When he first sees the creature he falls ill but after he gets better he doesn't check up on his creation, he tries to put it from his mind and move on with his life. The creature is not "real" to Victor he is something to be quietly abandoned and never thought of or spoken of again.

Something about acknowledging his creation hurts him and he has an extreme aversion to connecting with him. It's almost like he doesn't want to believe he made the creature at all. Despite Creech being ugly he's still a miracle of science and in many ways he's everything Victor was trying achieve, but Victor can't see past his own depression and his own shortcomings as a creator and I believe if he let himself name the creature he'd grow to feel guilty. The fantasy of creation and the bloody, disgusting, reality are such drastically different experiences that Victor can't cope.

I tend to think of Victor as a parent who can't handle the reality that his child is deformed. Who was too young to be a parent in the first place and didn't know what to do when he gave birth to a child he couldn't find it in him to love.

My interpretation is that Victor never gives the creature a name because he doesn't want to think of him at all. Because what Victor wishes is that the creature had never been born at all and once he names him he irreversibly creates a tie that will connect him to his creation forever.

It's unfortunate for both of them that the creature refuses to be ignored. He is an inescapable reality that isolates Victor from his friends and family until Victor has no choice but to revolve around the creature. Through Victor's lens there's something that feels parasitic about the way Adam refuses to let go of Victor and continually makes demands. Victor cannot escape what he created no matter how much it hurts him or how much it costs him. It's almost how a teenage mother might view an unwanted and unexpected child, a needful thing that demands constantly, isolates them from friends and family and can give little in return to a parent that didn't really want children but didn't realize it until it was too late.

"You are my creator but I am your master, obey!" you can't ignore a screaming infant, it will just get louder until you feed it, you are subject to its every whim and if you neglect your child you will be condemned for it. Victor doesn't name the creature, he doesn't tell anyone about the creature except Walton at the very end of his life. Victor is terrified of how others will judge him when they find out about the creature. Through out the book it's obvious that the horror Victor is experiencing is the horror of a parent who wasn't ready to bring any child into the world, much less a deformed child that can never fulfill the hopes and dreams its parent had for it.

[haunted-xander]

It's been some time since Monaca started living with them and Nagito revealing his... new hand. A couple of weeks ago, Makoto and Kyoko had visited them to inform them about the Neo World Program being under testing. Apparently, the Neo World Program is supposed to undo Junko's brainwashing and completely rehabilitate the Remnants of Despair.

Chiaki is a bit wary, simulations like that tend to have something go wrong with them, but despite that, she is excited. If there's a chance to save her old classmates and friends, she will take it, no matter the risk.

Right now, though, she has a more pressing matter.

Getting Nagito's chain collar off. She noticed he's been trying to scratch his neck a lot lately, but couldn't because of the collar. Unfortunately, Monaca lost the key during Bing Bang Monokuma's attack and picking it proved difficult, even for Izuru.

Didn't help that Nagito resisted their attempts at getting it off. Guess that's Ultimate Despair for you... They take pleasure in things they hate. It must be so uncomfortable. He'll probably get markings on his neck from all that chafing...

Everyone's sitting on the couch playing together. Today, Chiaki had set up her Gamecube and had started up Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures. A fun 4-player game they can all enjoy. Nagito was having a bit of trouble, on account of only having one functioning hand, but was doing well enough. His Ultimate Luck may be to thank for that, or maybe he's just that good.

Unfortunately, their play session was interrupted by a notification coming from Chiaki's phone. "...Oh, it's work. I need to send in some reports, so we'll need to pause the game for a bit." In reply, Monaca started whining, "But we just got to the booooooss! Monaca doesn't want to stop playing. Big sis should ignore any Future Foundation work and continue playing with Monaca and Big Bro! ...Oh, and Mr. Stalker, I guess."

"Sorry, but I can't do that. I've been putting these reports off for a while already, so I really need to deliver them. Munakata-kun's gonna be mad if I put it off anymore." Chiaki put her controller on the table and stood up. As Monaca tried to grab at her skirt, Nagito gently laid his hand on the little girl's shoulder. "Now, now Monaca-san, don't be so impatient. Let's play another game for a little bit while Nanami-san does her work, alright? She unfortunately can't abandon her duty forever."

"Hmmm... Okay! But Mr. Stalker isn't allowed to play with us." Monaca brightened up instantly and made to swap over to the Switch. Chiaki didn't get to hear what they ended up deciding on, but could tell Monaca was happy with whatever she started playing.

She walked into the isolated corner she's fashioned into a make-shift office, and sat down at her desk to get started on those reports. After a few minutes had passed, she heard a knock on the door and steady, even steps heading to check who it was. Faintly hearing the door opening, she deciding to let Izuru handle it and focused back on the reports in front of her.

At least she planned to. "Hey! Nanami-san, Nanami-san! I've got great news! ...Ah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you while working! I'll just, uh, get back to you later...?" Makoto shouted as he burst into her office, almost completely covering up the sound of Kyoko dicussing something with Izuru and Nagito. ...With the occasional snide comment from Monaca. "No, it's alright. What did you come here for? Did something happen?"

"Yes! Or, um, kinda...? Nothing really 'happened' per say but... Anyway, it's good! Really good!"

"...Well, what is it then?" Chiaki was honestly getting a bit impatient, eager to get back to writing the reports so she can finally be done with them. "Um, I told you we were working on a way to undo Enoshima-san's brainwashing, right?"

"Yeah, the Neo World Program, right?"

"Yeah! It's finally operational! We can get started on rehabilitation now! Kirigiri-san and I have already made plans with Togami-kun to have the islands and the pods readied for the 15 of them! We've got boats and everything ready to sail them all over too! I don't know how no one has caught wind of it yet if I'm being honest, but everything's going super well!" His excited rambling almost managed to lose her with everything he was saying, but she somehow managed to keep up. Somehow, I doubt it's just that they haven't been caught. Someone must have noticed it by now, it's far too big an operation for no one to notice. Which means someone is trying to help cover it up. ...Could it be...?

"...Hey hey, slow down a bit. Islands? boats? Where exactly are you taking them, Naegi-kun?" Chiaki had a few questions regarding the plan, but decided to point out what she deemed most pressing. "Oh, sorry! I totally forgot to mention that! The server for the Neo World Program is located in a small archipelago in the Pacific Ocean consisting of six islands called 'Jabberwock Island'. Apparently, the Future Foundation reconstructed an old administration building on the central island into a base so they could rebuild the island." Why do you say that like you're reading it off a tourist guide? "...I'm not sure why they didn't go throught with that plan, but now we can use it to help the Remnants recover!"

"I see. And I guess you're planning on the Remnants continuing to live on the island after rehabilitation too?"

"Um, well, that's the plan, yeah! They... can't exactly just wander around freely, even after being freed of the brainwashing. The Future Foundation -no, not just the Future Foundation, the whole world wouldn't like it if we just... let them go. As much as I hate it, they did kill a lot of people. Rehabilitation can't undo all their crimes."

"...Yeah, I get that. They'll serve their time living on the island. ...Much preferable to prison, I'd say. Maybe... after enough time, they can get the opportunity to visit the rest of the world. Maybe they can help restore the world in exchange for getting to leave the island occasionally."

"...I hope we can get to that point. I'm just worried about if the Future Foundation will ever come to accept that they're rehabilitated, even long after the fact. These guys are a real stubborn sort, you know?" Makoto let out a sheepish laugh, trying to cheer himself up. "...Hey hey, are you going to stay on the island too?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, you'd need someone to watch over their recovery after the program... probably. Some of the Remnants don't seem to be doing so well, physically speaking. I ran into Owari-san during patrol some time ago and she... looked like she hadn't eaten a thing in weeks. And everyone has heard about the ones who traded their body parts for Enoshima-san's." Nagito's hand was a prime example of one such instance, but even that was far from the most disturbing one. ...Tsumiki-san will need to be kept a close eye on. Out of everyyone, her health will probably be the worst...

"Oh, yeah, you've got a point... I was considering it, but there's no way we'd get away with being gone so long. Of course, we'll take some time to watch over them after they first wake up from the program! But..."

Chiaki understood what he meant. As the leader of the 14th division, and the fact the Future Foundation already knows he has plans of some sort regarding the Remnants of Despair, there is no way he could just up an disappear. That said...

"Then, I'll do it."

[esoteriamaya]

Vulnerability: Healing The Body One Day At A Time.

Sometimes I want to stay private. Other times I want to open up. Staying hidden had been a sanctuary at one point. Not sharing with the world my feelings and what damaged me. I got tired of feeling burdens in my body, so at the moment where can I start?

In this present moment, I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm exhausted. I'm hopeless. It seems the descriptions of lower feelings doesn't end. I've tried ignoring these feelings, replacing them with good thoughts. Trying to keep an optimistic smile, but that fake smile started to hurt.. And the mask began to wear off one day at a time.

It hurts to feel loneliness, but the truth is nothing can steal your joy but whatever dried up emotions are left infiltrating the mind with unwanted banter.

Its like... I can point out my flaws and my differences but I can't face the truth. I'm tired of truth. It's all I see everyday.

And what makes it funnier? I'm an oracle, and all I do is be 100% honest with people, but with me.... I lie so the triggers won't push too deep. I've ignored the villain that was imposter syndrome, and constantly took life too serious... Until life became a big circus show. And I'm the circus freak giving my performance.

Im annoyed, and constantly fighting tears. When I would cry and have those battles on the ground screaming 'I can't do it', it told me to get up and pick myself back up. You've grown up... you can't waddle your way out of this one.

I had no clue what I was doing, and before I still didn't, this new phase of adulthood I'm entering seems too much to handle but this where reality starts to hit. You're getting.., old. Older. More mature. Buying a house, getting a new car, even creating your own family. Life started to get a little practical... I thought I'd be a kid forever. But I was only talking about the imagination. Its fun being an adult, its so much freedom. It's just... I'm not built for whatever this reality is trying to show us, but I'm still trying. I'm still bringing forth change in my mindset, being more resilient. And allowing myself to be more than what my mind is constantly saying to me.

I've faced myself so much in 2023... Like.. the amount of times I had to look at myself in the mirror and could not escape. And sleeping with a mirror facing your bed don't make it no better, just makes you feel the emotions quicker (i got an interesting feeling when it comes to mirrors... portals man, portals).

I guess society has gotten its grip on the depressed gang, I've been working my way thru it. Theres absolutely no way in telling people that its easy to let go. Just something you learn to process on your journey. I'm learning both can be true at once. I'm learning to figure out what works, even if it takes a journey to reveal itself to me.

So how is this effecting my body... I get random body aches, I've had to make several hospital visits.. all of which there was no idea where the problem was truly stemming from. The doctor would prescribe me pills, they'd work for a while. Then later... the pain would come back again.

When our bodies are feeling pain especially in the organs, theres a spiritual connection that is making that happen. I use spiritual loosely here, what I mean is that our bodies can be carrying a lot of unwanted emotions. Be it rage, stress, depression, anything we don't want to feel but finds its way stuck in the body it'll start messing with your insides later on. When our spirits cannot rely the message, our bodies will for us.. for better or for worse.

I've found out I have health issues I didn't know existed.. I'm joking, well not really. I had no clue what galbladder disease was and def not anything with the gut. Even though I'd have random stomach aches here and there I never knew this would actually be an underlying problem. I didn't think I'd end up with a bunch of problems and it taking years to fix... Although I can be stubborn, I finally changed the way I ate.. it's been helping a bit.. I always did physical activity, but I noticed in my my present reality (3-6 months) its every other day out of the week. That's okay.

With accepting this truth I learned to be open to it because I started bawling.. I was losing weight like a mf and I had to drop all my clothes, still gotta do it now, or just get them tighten up. But its overwhelming.

I'm exhausted all of the time. My body is always on 'stop mode'. I can't work like the average woman because it gets me tired quicker. It kind of irks me because I want to do a little more but I just can't.

I feel as if I'm running out of time and I just don't know what to do. My subconscious is showing signs of paranoid thinking and I just can't see why I'm still running from my own reality.

its. just. too. much.

Im exhausted. And I've barely done anything.

I'm learning to feel my pain. Processing the very things that forced me into an uncomfortable matter.

It hurts to feel the feels of others dualities, but what do I do?

I gotta make amends with the shit I've dealt with, make use of them and take stride with whatever info comes up.

That's the secret. Pay attention to any fears, worries and anxious thoughts you could be picking up on because it's showing you a gate way to whats missing.