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#you have a few months to put me down
phonoix · 2 years
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Me, now that the Shadow and Bone season 2 teaser trailer came out:
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bixels · 14 days
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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lipt-97 · 5 months
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came back just to post these. okay bye
#gbf#belifaa#did you get triple zero (summon)? the sanfaa scissoring summon? SSS? i sierotixed it. It was awesome. Everythung in gbf is going right for#e except for the fact that i had to sieroticket it but its alright. just the notion of so much lucilius is just enough to put me back on my#feet again it’s almsot unreal how much lucilius-centric stuff theyve pushed out the past few months. his GBVSR debut. his summon.#Omg when I saw the gbfes fashion show i was a few seconds behind zen and she told me “You wont believe this” and I was like “WHAT? BELIEVE#WHAT? WHAT? WHAYT DO YOU MEAN” and the official lucilius cosplayer walked out in his robes it felt unreal unreal like it was seeing my onl#dreams come true after years and years of being like Theres no way they’d do that. There’s no way they’d make a cosplay for lucilius in his#robes because hes in his void outfit forever. BUT THEY DID…..AND THERE WAS BLOOD UNDER HIS SKIN….AND HIS LIPS WERE GLOSSED…AND HE HAD A LIT#LE BIT OF TAREME AND TSURIME (TARIME) ACTION ON HIS EYES AND EVERYTIME HE WALKED HIS ROBES KIND OF FLUTTERED AS HE SHUFFLED ALONG I HAD TO#SIT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR lay down on the bathroom floor and I almpst puked from how nauseous it made me i was OVERJOYED BEYOND MY PHYSICAL#LIMITATIONS OF HAPPINESS . I WAS SO HAPPY. THIS YEAR HAS BEEN UTTERLY MISERABLE FOR ME AND I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS DEPRESSED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL#BUT SEEING LUCILIUS like this genuinely blew me off my socks . I don’t know if i should be 100% thankful because I’ve been trying to figure#out how to balance my emotional state with the media i consume but#I think i really needed it. thank you lucilius for ending my 2023
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never change, man !
#phantom of the paradise#potp#swan potp#nightmaretheater#65 layers and about 24 hours . Eeeyyuppp#Look into my beautiful mind boy#Its a bit unusual to what i usually draw#but i had to push a specific look for this piece#hopefully you all are picking up on the corperate look . the advertisment look#Sneeze. Anyways my point is industry destroys creative people. This includes swan#I feel like phrases like these ; how he was put on a pedistal…. it lead him to be Like That#as awful as he is he desperately needed help#it might seem like vanity on the surface#but i think its… more than that#long story short: we need to destroy the beauty industry. the skincare industry. the anti-aging industry#It ruined his psyche forever and he cant let go of the ideal version of himself he will never truly be again#i dont think he can at this point. hes in too deep and hes suffering for it no matter how much he feels hes fixed his problems#he cant accept a version of himself that isnt that perfect young man. because he never confronted his problems. he just ran away#anyways . Hi swath *punches him**kicks him*#i dont care if nobody gets me lalalalla my truths and headcanons are awesome forever and i live in my own reality lallaallal#sorry i think im gonna be posting about swan alot for a few months hes making me sick#i wass gonna post this earlier but my internet was real bad#*lays down in my pile of pillows* eat up boys. haha#sidenote: drawing white blond people is horrifiying. Boy your skin and hair are the same color. Introduce some contrast to yourself. Please#adding on: its inportant to note this focuses on him looking st himself in the mirror alot on purpouse#to remind himself what he ‘’’’really’’’’ looks like#the 4 middle pannels all represent that too . u have to be in my brain ri get this#sorry for unleashijg another swan essay in my tags. will happen again lol
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rahabs · 4 months
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the fact that you would defend the israeli government after they’ve murdered 30,000 innocents in the largest bombing campaign in modern history is literally despicable and borderline evil. if a genocide documented ad nauseam cannot make you cognizant of israel’s colonial and deeply racist regime, then literally nothing can and you are beyond reasoning with. actually incredible how multiple history degrees have clearly taught you nothing about how a genocide works — or perhaps more concerningly, they have, and you simply don’t care because the victims are palestinian. the fact that you would use those very history degrees to excuse israel’s genocide of palestinians is deeply disturbing and indicative of the rancid hypocrisy within western academia. history will exonerate the indigenous palestinians, and it will be unkind to those like you who defended and cheered on their annihilation.
It‘s so amazing to me that you actually believe this, and that you‘ve so wholeheartedly swallowed the propaganda Hamas (known for using their own civilians as human shields, known for paying their citizens extra for killing Jews) has been peddling. So I am going to paste here some points others have already made that I‘ve saved over the course of information-gathering, though I doubt you‘ll bother to read or learn, judging from your asinine little comments here.
1) Palestine Gaza is a genocidal nation. The goal of the Palestinian government in Gaza is literally to destroy and commit genocide against Israel and kill every Jew by every means possible. This is literally written in their founding charter. "The Day of Judgement will not come about until Moslems fight the Jews (killing the Jews), when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Moslems, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree, (evidently a certain kind of tree) would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews." There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors. The Palestinian people know better than to consent to having their future, rights and fate toyed with.
2) Palestine is an apartheid nation that has ethnically cleansed 100% of their Jews and stole their territory after 1948. There used to be tens of thousands of Jews living in the areas of Judea and Samaria, which was renamed to the West Bank by Jordan. However they've all been ethnically after the 1948 Arab-Israeli war and 0 Jews are allowed to live in Palestine today. 3) Palestine is an authoritarian dictatorship both in Gaza and the West Bank. Hamas won majority of the votes during an election in 2006, but the Palestinian president simply refused to recognize the results of the election and refused to hand power over to them. This resulted in Hamas siezing power in Gaza, executing hundreds of their political rivals, and they never held another election. Likewise, the leadership in the West Bank also refused to hold any elections and still continue to illegitimately cling to power. Abbas, the president of Palestine had a 4 year term which was supposed to end in 2009. He's still the leader today and has continued to postpone election after election. 4) Palestine supports the outright open murder of innocent civilians. I've already mentioned the charter of the Palestinian government in Gaza above where their goal is to eradicate Israel and genocide Israelis, but the Palestinian government in West Bank is just as horrible. There's the Palestinian Authority Matry Fund where they literally pay a salary / pension to any Palestinians who commmit terrorist attacks against Israelis, be it through stabbings, shootings or suicide bombings, and they've paid out billions so far. The Foundation for the Care of the Families of Martyrs pays monthly cash stipends to the families of Palestinians killed, injured, or imprisoned while carrying out violence against Israel.
5) Palestine is horribly corrupt oligarchy. Palestine receives billions from the USA and Europe in aid every single year. Whatever money isn't spent on paying literal terrorists, or on rockets to shoot at Israel ends up going to corrupt Palestinian leaders. Yasser Arafat, the first Palestinian leader, died a billionaire. Abbas the current President is worth $100 million. The Palestinian leaders in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, Moussa Abu Marzuk and Khaled Mashal have an estimated combined wealth of over $10 billion. Meanwhile the combined GDP of Gaza is only about $2.5 billion, meaning these 3 leaders wealth is equal to 4 years of Gaza's GDP. 6) Palestinians have caused wars and instability in every country that they've sought refuge in. In Jordan, Palestinains assasinated the Jordanian king in 1951, then attempted a coup of a the country in 1970. After they failed, they were expelled to Lebanon where they started a civil war with the Christian Maronites. This war lasted 15 years and killed several times more people than the entire Israel-Palestine war (150k died in Lebanon civil war vs 25k in Palestinian-Israeli wars). In Kuwait, the Palestinians supported Saddam as Iraq invaded Kuwait. In Egypt, they've been hit by several bombings by Palestinians. 7) There is no freedom of speech or equality in Palestine Gaza. No equality of sexes, no equality of races, and definitely no queer rights in the entirety of Palestine where you could be killed for the crime of being openly queer. [If you identify as a liberal, there is literally] no reason to support a country where majority of [your] friends would either have severely restricted rights, be treated like objects, or be thrown off a building just for existing.
Let me reiterate: Jews are indigenous to Israel. Jews have existed and lived in what we now call the Israel-Palestine region for thousands of years before the foundation of Islam, and even before the foundation of Christianity. In the game of “which Abrahamic religion came first?” Islam ranks dead last.
Israel as an identity as a people has existed for thousands of years and has been recorded as far back as the Iron Age on:
i) The Mesha Stele;
ii) The Tel Dan Stele;
iii) The Kurkh Monoliths; and (potentially)
iv) The Merneptah Stele.
While scholars have argued over the translations on the Merneptah Stele, the general consensus among historians, classicists, archaeologist, etc, is that it refers to the existence of Israel at the very least as a collective identity that existed at the time, and was called Israel.
They were eventually repeatedly forced out by other powers such as the Romans and many others, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jews had a continuous existence in Israel before being forced out by what people like you would normally call “colonising powers” were it not so contrary to your own ill-supported arguments. It also doesn’t change the fact that Jews, and Israel, existed before both Christianity and Islam, and long, long before Palestine.
So if your entire argument boils down to "who was here first" and the ideas of "colonialism" and "anti-colonialism" and "decolonisation", then I am telling you, Jews were there first. You could argue Canaanite groups like Moabites and Ammonites were there too, but Moabites and Ammonites don't exist as a continuous group anymore. No matter how you look at it, you are wrong, so let me parrot your horrible argument right back at you:
The fact that you would defend Hamas, a known organisation whose founding Charter literally calls for the annihilation of Jews, who have systematically purged Jews for years, who launched multiple attacks against innocent Jewish people (the music festival, the babies and the woman and the children slaughtered), the fact that there's a Palestinian Authority Matry Fund where they literally pay a salary / pension to any Palestinians who commit terrorist attacks against Israelis, be it through stabbings, shootings or suicide bombings, and they've paid out billions so far; the fact that you defend the existence of the Foundation for the Care of the Families of Martyrs which pays monthly cash stipends to the families of Palestinians killed, injured, or imprisoned while carrying out violence against Israel, etc... that you would defend this is "literally despicable" and not only outright evil, but ignorant to the nth degree.
If the continuous genocidal nature of Hamas against Israel cannot make you cognizant of Hamas' deeply racist, violence, and terrorist regime (to the point where none of the Muslim countries around them will take Palestinians in; even their fellow Muslim countries want nothing to do with them), then I'm not sure what to tell you. You say I am beyond reasoning, but from where I'm standing, your head is so far up your own ass that I don't even know if you're aware of anything that isn't the smell of your own shit.
It's actually incredible to me how you can ignore what multiple historians and scholars are saying because you want to cling to your idea that Hamas are just a bunch of "poor innocent brown people" who need help from the "evil white Israeli regime". Or perhaps, more "concerningly," that is just it: you hate Israel because you erroneously perceive them as white, and so therefore they must be evil. I don't know, but that is what a lot of anti-Israel sentiment seems to boil down to in the world of people like you.
The fact that you would excuse and ignore Hamas' outright horrific acts and ignore history is deeply disturbing and indicative of the rancid hypocrisy within the west, but particularly within western circles that claim to be "progressive", "liberal", and "leftist."
Hamas has said no to every ceasefire. Hamas has said no to every compromise Israel has offered even before October. If Hamas stops fighting, the war ends. If Israel stops, then Israel is annihilated.
History has already shown that Palestinians are not indigenous if we are playing the "who was there first" game with Israel and Palestine, you're just so ignorant that you will refuse to see the evidence right in front of you. You are the one cheering for the annihilation of an indigenous group, and the one history will frown upon is you.
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astraltrickster · 5 months
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I wish I could tell my 9-year old self that no, growing up and getting excited about "boring" things like kitchen appliances isn't sad, because contrary to what people would have you think it DOESN'T tend to totally change who you are as a person and replace everything else you love - they add to what makes you happy, they don't replace a damned thing, and the excitement is VERY genuine
But since I can't do that I'll just put it out here for any younger people who need it
You grow to love "boring" things because they improve your life, not because it's the only thing you're "allowed" to get excited about once you reach a certain age
Also! That stage in life has nothing to do with numerical age; you can fall in love with something "boring" at any time and it feels exactly the same! Loving the new kitchen appliance as an adult is no different from loving the Easy-Bake oven or the first thing you learned to make your own recipes with as a kid! It's not "turning into your parents" (scary), it's bringing out new joy in YOU! It's fucking awesome!
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rox-of-iu · 10 months
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me + mayhem going on a stupid silly hike for my stupid silly mental health
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touched grass and i am normal again (lying)
#i will get back to drawing soon let me just sleep for a few years shdjhkfds#anyway photo credit to mayhem again i cant take pictures to save my life lol#btw the caption is obvs reference to that one hike video tiktok i think so credit to that also its not my joke#anywqay it was nice did help me a little bit#been feeling a bit down due to some personal problems ykno#and also due to not being accepted into a med uni I rly wanted to (but didn't put enough effort I'll confess) and that almost no one getsin#but i was only missing one point o(-( i was the first in line outside the capacity limit hasjkdhsahd#even tho my brain is rly small for it lets be real hfjsdfhksd but like hhsdjhshdjkhd those biches at physiotherapy baited me hdsjd#mqf i have failed you lol#also i have accidentaly gotten back into one piece as I do for like two weeks periodically every few months or so dhjsdhk#so im revisiting my olde blorbo trafalgar which is just reminding me of a fact that this was one of the fuckers my itty bitty young self -#- wanted to pursue medicine beacause of lmaoooo#bad timing one piece fixation!! bad bad!! sdhhdjshdjakshd#whatevrrr whatevr whatevr io dotn care! enough of that hahhskj#but hey as some of u may remeber im czech so haa whats up with the mountains right since we are very cute and 'down to earth' state hahaha#its cuz its actually from austria :))#we went hiking there since theyre co by kamenem dohodil as they say#fuck english has the exactly same saying im moron that ruins my whole thing hjdsk 'a stone's throw away' whatever ignore that ig hahhah#so yeah very beautiful very powerful go touch some grass lads#also they are not stones throw away i was lying but close enough-#also random czechs stop jumpscaring me in other countries challenge why was there so many of us horrible horrible horrible
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fleshdyke · 8 months
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you guys remember that time my dad killed my pet and then blamed me for it lol
#i still miss jpeg so fucking much#i remember for weeks after he died i would turn on his light in the morning and forget that he wasn’t there to greet me and it was so awful#remembering he was dead every single morning#and every few days i would put a little plant food in the tank and it was such a fucking gut punch every time#bc the cycle was disrupted now. nothing was working like how it was supposed to bc he wasn’t there anymore. those plants that lived off him#for months were the only thing i had left of him#and he told me at one point after he died ‘next time you get a betta you have to take care of it’ like FUCK YOU I DID! I FUCKING DID!#i cycled the tank and i fed him and i kept tabs on the water levels and i did all his water changes and i told my dad when he started#getting sick bc i wasn’t able to get medicine myself! and he tried to fucking gaslight me into believing that i was delusional!#bc he didn’t want to admit that he was wrong! and he refused to fucking do anything about it to the point where i was scrambling for people#i knew who could drive to take me to the fish store and get medicine#and then he fucking died! he died when i was at school and my dad just flushed him down the toilet#and he told me in the most insensitive way possible#and he tried going ‘im sorry i didnt listen to you’ or whatever like sorry’s not going to fucking cut it you killed my fucking pet#and then he went right back to blaming me for it#and then after he died my brother told me that he’d asked my dad about jpeg one time and he SAID that he was pretty much a goner#he fucking KNEW he was dying and still refused to do anythign??? for what fucking reason? bc he couldn’t admit he was ever wrong? bc he#wanted to watch me suffer?#and then for weeks i was taking care of an empty tank#bc the plants in his tank were the only thing left of him#and i couldn’t let them just sit and wither away bc that’s what i did with jpeg and i couldn’t just watch him die again#and then i moved his plants into the other 40gal and i had to look at the way the other fish ignored jpeg’s favourite anubias#and i had to take down his tank and wash all the rocks and driftwood and pack it all back up and then he was gone for real#jpeg was the first thing i was really proud of and my dad had to fucking take it from me#rambles#vent#pet death
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theygender · 8 months
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The funny thing about playing BG3 right after its release is like. Usually with RPGs I obsessively look up the dialogue for every interaction to make sure I choose the Right Thing but since this game just came out those kinds of guides just... don't exist yet. Like sure I can look up general walkthroughs for different quests, but there's not any articles detailing the approval/disapproval rating for every character on each individual dialogue option like there is for, say Dragon Age, so I'm having to actually fuck around and find out for once
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dylanconrique · 5 months
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oh my god you guys it is far too early where i am at and i have not slept so i of course can't form a single cohesive thought on the chenford timeline, but please stop berating me in my inbox about it, or just be a little nicer about it for the love of god?????
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cinnamon-phrog · 5 months
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Sorry for clogging all of your dashboards I've been in a good mood bc!!! I got awesome news today!
REUNITED!!!!!!
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#HE'S BACK! re-ordered a yellow and completely forgot!#also uh. yesterday i talked about taking a year to myself what if i did that NOW#there are a lot of things i want to do and solve for myself#i've had no time to actually take care of myself. i've been TREATING myself but that's done nothing but make me crave more#but actually sorting my stuff out. internal external what have you. THAT has helped me a lot#college has been a bad experience overall and i put it down to me just not being ready for it. too much change in only a few months.#it made me jaded and i'd like some whimsy thank you very much. only if i try though#🎨🌻#🦆📋#🍝👄#🚦🏠#i've seen people become jaded bc of their traumas and it's saddening. and i need to learn that maybe not everyone needs fixing no matter-#my intentions and sometimes i DO go overboard and come off brash. when in reality i'd hate that to happen and only wish people the best#i learn things everyday and i'm still so young. not even 17 yet. i still have time for improvement in myself#i will ALWAYS apologise. ALWAYS extend kindness. ALWAYS admit fault bc that's just all i can do.#so anyway OUPPETS!!!!! I wanna keep them safe i'm thinking of making a box dedicated to little trinkets of Them.#i've been sheltered and Her lessons are still ingrained on me and i'm slowly [but surely!] unlearning them and not using Her as an excuse-#for laziness or my ability to talk to people and guessing everybody wishes me the worst when really they have other things on their mind.#college smollege i am not a character stuck in a narrative! i am nbot the narrative! i am me! and i say my lessons lie outside of there.
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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months
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just found out rascal (babycat)'s been with his owner this whole time instead of my roommate which is. something. :|
#if you dont know whats happening basically mr and my roommate (dorms) have been raising an abused kitten belonging to our floormates#we had him for a month and a half i think and then a month of break has gone by with my roomie staying on campus and me going back home#to my prey-driven dogs and snake and cat-allergic mother among other things. hence the inability to really take him in easily.#i mean shit. if she decided to actually take care of him instead of making everyone around her into free childcare then that's a good thing#*petcare#and admittedly both me and my roommate should've been more in contact about him whether this was going on or not#we both have really bad object permanence + flow of time issues though so it kinda... didnt happen#i thought about him a lot though. i planned on coming back early to spend a few days just chilling with him before the semester started#but other stuff got in the way and i had the 'its too late so dont ask at all' guilt#idk. it seems like hes alive but i don't know much more than that rn. it makes me nervous yk#but i never thought she'd just. still have him. i never expect what she does with him tbh#i almost feel better about getting stuck and not figuring out visiting or shared custody (in my house that is Not Ideal For Him) knowing it#wasn't even really attainable but. shit.#i want her to treat him like he deserves and if she's doing that i have no right to complain. he's not my cat. he's not.#but it means she'll probably just leave with him someday. no thanks or payment or future contact. idk i just. thought this would end sooner#in taking him to a shelter or a new home or us taking him in or her putting her foot down. but instead it's like im drowning in gelatin#what am i even doing. i love him. so much. and i want a cat so so bad. i want *him* so bad.#but i didn't rescue him and i didnt even try and. god idk. i love him and i still couldn't get my ass up to visit in a whole month#i want to say it's because i was stuck and it's not untrue. but i just. idk. i still feel like i shoulda pushed through or whatever anyway.#it makes me feel like im just as bad as his owner when i know im not. im not.#he's probably a lot bigger now. assuming she's actually feeding him. god. i really thought he'd be with my roommate#for reasons im not even gonna bother getting into. and i was reassured that my roomie would tell me if something was up with him. and she#didnt. and im not mad at her it's not her fault i didn't reach out when i wanted to know. but i feel just. ough. stupid ass situation i got#myself into. stupid sad ass consequences of being nosy and big hearted and wanting to help in stupid ways#at least her dogs didnt eat him. i was worried about that. i don't think i could take it if she got him killed and i didn't push harder to#help him. but i can't just fucking. kidnap him. he's not mine and we're neighbors and i can't even keep him at my home. not really.#god i miss him so much. i hope i didn't hurt him by leaving. fucking hell.#but he needs somebody and his owner is almost certainly not it. and maybe im not either but i want to try for him. man.
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mrs-kelly · 1 year
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Here’s my monthly reminder to myself that I don’t have to try to parse out why Charlie loves me, I can just accept that he does ❤️❤️❤️
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frecklystars · 1 year
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Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻
HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3
I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.
But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...
...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.
Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.
But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;
Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3
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prismatoxic · 8 months
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loving the timeline i got to witness of:
-yahtzee reviews a game on zero punctuation -in the course of the script he finds a reason to bring up ayn rand/atlus shrugged, mostly as a joke -brings up ayn rand again as the closing punchline -final credits message is "bioshock was a good game wasn't it" -one day later the escapist uploads a new extra punctuation about why bioshock's opening is amazing
did you get bioshock on the brain by any chance, mr. croshaw?
idk what his schedule of making ZP/EP looks like, though i do suspect that EP might possibly be visually edited by someone else? i'm like 99% sure yahtz still does ZP by himself except to pass it by matt the editor for notes on where he should maybe swear less, but EP is kind of visually different (despite using yahtzee's art still) so maybe he just reads his script and lets matt do the visuals? idk. the man's busy he puts out 2 videos like every week, i wouldn't blame him
regardless, my point is that idk where in the process he decided to make an EP on bioshock, but the idea of him writing the sea of stars script, thinking about ayn rand a little too hard, and getting on a bioshock kick because of it is pretty damn funny
if he addresses this in the bioshock video i'm going to feel very silly but i was just taking a food + youtube break so i only watched the sea of stars review for now
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potpiehead · 7 months
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ive been more depressed lately
#if you cant tell#during the summer i had some zest for life and felt actually happy lol but with the turn of the season it just disappeared.. so annoying lo#i keep having thoughts that boil down to "id be happier if i were happier' like lol#i know that spending time with my friends and family; always having something going on; engagine with my interests and keeping myself busy#all make me feel good and i think those things came easier over the summer#when im doing something of interest i just feel this whole world open up and everything feels lighthearted and easy and then when i fall ou#of those habits and start doing less everythig just feels dark#the depression i have now is 100x better than the depression i had as a teenager though. i didnt have the life experience to know that#things could be better#it does make me feel good to know that there are things that help#i just feel so mentally weak like there are times when i think of the thing i want to do but the effort it would take is monumental#and it stresses me the fuck out#i applied to a couple of jobs today because i just need a change of fucking scenery and i feel stagnant.#evereythig feels bleak and meaningless but i have moments where i feel everything open up. idk#i have hope for myself lol just that today in particular has been shitty like a concentrated version of the past few months#but i did apply to jobs which is something i was stressing about! and i bought some shit i needed to buy that i kept putting off#i often have so much on my mind and am so overwhlemed i cant even think of getting shit done. this shit is ruining everything#catastrophizing was my specialty in early high school ive been here before its just that being a young adult is a new frontier.#and i feel like ive been sitting in one place not moving even though i have been doing things i need to CHANGE things#i have moments of strength but i know that overall im struggling.#anyway thanks for reading. i have work tomorrow gn!
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