#you should see my explore page it is literally everything and everyone I’ve ever loved this does not happen normally

[cross-u-out]

in this episode of i will never know peace my entire tumblr dash is total drama related now thank you new cast names.

anyways MK needs to win I will be so upset if she doesn’t (but literally why the fuck is she bright yellow wtf cast designers.)

[princesssarcastia]

2021 Harry Potter Fanfic Primer

im here to point fingers at the incredible authors that have enabled my new interest in HP content.  im still conflicted and upset about it, tbh, but for now we’re leaning into the curve.  we’re getting out our shovel and finding out just how deep we can make the hole we’re in.  hand in unlovable hand my beloved <3.  anyway, these fics are wonderful, their authors are wonderful, and you should go read their stuff. if there’s a star next to it that means im losing my mind over it and always will be.

Creatively Maladjusted, by elumish on AO3, 101k  (they also have a wonderful writing advice blog on tumblr, @elumish, which I recommend following if you are a writer) 

A very excellent re-telling of harry’s first year at hogwarts if he were sorted into Slytherin, plus some more not!fic or piecemeal re-tellings of his second and part of his third year.  Harry, in this, has a slightly different trauma response to growing up with the Dursley’s.  He’s a bit quieter, and the signs are a bit more obvious to the people around him, and I enjoyed that immensely. 

Honestly, if you’re going to get sucked into something you have absolutely no business getting sucked into, elumish is the way to go, their fic is incredible. their teen wolf fic is also immaculate, if you’re so inclined. 

Dissonance, by ImpishTubist on AO3, 2.5k (@impishtubist on tumblr)

Set during fifth year.  Oblivious!Harry has always been a delightful trope when well executed, and this is well executed.  Plus, some angst between Remus and Harry over what Umbridge has been doing to him.

I would certainly recommend a lot of ImpishTubist’s other hp work on AO3, like Lacuna.

blow us all away, by rexcorvidae on AO3, 23k (@rexcorvidae on tumblr)

In progress (like, updated last week in progress).  Currently in the beginning of Harry’s first year.  Fem!Harry, Indian!Harry.  Hagrid puts Harry in touch with Remus when she has questions about her parents, and they become reluctant, traumatized, angst-ridden pen pals who keep missing each other’s true intentions like ships in the night.  hot DAMN do I love this fic.  there’s hints of the way the dursley’s treat Harry peaking through in her letters, and I appreciated the attention to “hmm, her experience as a girl of indian descent in britain under the thumb of a bunch of white people who like being Normal may not have been gucci”

Definitely comb through the rest of their HP fic, too, I may or may not have gone feral over it.

Where the Heart is, by silver_fish on AO3, 15k (@kohakhearts on tumblr)

Woof.  This one said, “hey, harry was probably SUPER depressed in the summer after fifth year.  like, clinically.  maybe someone should do something about that.”  Fuck yeah.  Then this one said, “that someone was Snape.”  You all know my opinions on Snape; generally, Bad.  But damn if this fic didn’t wholly convince me by the end of it.  I thought it was a very realistic way for Snape to start seeing Harry as a person all on his own, and not a proxy for Snape’s angst over James and Lily, respectively.  The angst is wonderful, the ending is even more so.

*bernie sanders voice* I am once again asking you to read through the rest of the author’s HP fic.  a lot of them have similar themes; there’s actually a great one with Molly that i’m not reccing here, Wonder.

☆Bindings, Bindings, by Quietlemonhush on AO3, 60k (@quietlemonhush on tumblr)

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW MUCH I ENJOYED/AM ENJOYING THIS.  If I had to pick a single fic and say “you, it’s your fault I’m stuck here,” it would be this one.  Anyway Lily in the afterlife is So Very Angry about how Petunia is treating Harry, and how Sirius is rotting in Azkaban, and how Remus is alone, that she literally brings herself back to life and drags James and Regulus with her.  All three of them are there to chew bubblegum and fix everything that went wrong after they died—and would you look at that, they’re all out of bubblegum!  There’s only Fury left.  That inciting premise is very crack, but every moment after that is very much not crack.  Lily and James love harry more than anything, the way a child should be loved; James and Sirius have the epic friendship of a lifetime; Sirius and Remus have staggering amounts of resolved sexual tension and take turns keeping each other in check; Regulus, though he realized that Voldemort and his family were shit before he died, is still unlearning all his racist bullshit and, also, years of trauma.  Actually, they’re all traumatized, but hey: now they have one another again and not a damn one of them seems inclined to let go anytime soon.  Quietlemonhush went, “hey, HP has a lot of Awful people in it, and a lot of Righteous people in it, and many of them are Very, Very Powerful; also, love is the most powerful force in the universe” and i said “hell yes tell me more right now.”  And then they did!

Quietlemonhush writes Sirius/Remus in a way that makes it sooo much fun to devour, so the rest of their HP fic is most certainly worth a look, if that’s your thing.

Rebuilding, by Colubrina on AO3, 113k (@colubrina on tumblr)

Hermione/Draco (*shrug emojis into the abyss* yeah, yeah, like none of us have ever been there before).  Takes place during Hogwarts 8th year, and while the beginning is, IMO, a little unfair to Ron, it gets much better.  Tells the story of Hermione and Draco clearing the air, learning to like each other, having some hormones over each other, and then falling in love.  Also tells the story of Hermione and Theo Nott becoming friends; the story of how every single 7th and 8th year student is fucked to hell by the war and the Carrows; the story of how they start an emotional support group about it and all become friends; and the story of, what the hell do you do with yourself after that kind of trauma?

I’ve been dipping in and out of Colubrina’s HP since before I was even on tumblr; I actually found them in those dark yesteryears when the only fandom interactions I had were on fanfiction.net.  Of such fame as Green Girl, which is an HP fic staple, and has also written a lot of wackier, crackier, and darker things than that.  If you don’t take yourself too seriously, I highly recommend many of their big HP works, though I imagine it’ll press some people’s buttons.  Colubrina’s work really does take up a corner of my mind whenever I’m in an HP mood, and will take up yours if you let it.

☆ all waiting is long, by shuofthewind on AO3, 149k ( @shu-of-the-wind on tumblr)

This is so well written that I can’t stop thinking about it.  It is occupying my mind when I lie awake at night, you know?  It’s one of those.  Hermione messes with something she probably shouldn’t have in Grimmauld Place, so when Sirius is sent through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, she gets thrust into an alternate universe...in 1975.  Instead of handwaving it away, shuofthewind actually gets into the mechanics of it in a way that makes sense, to emphasize that hermione is never going home.  ever. The world she finds herself is shifted slightly to the left, quite a bit darker, but in a “the author is treating the idea of a society-wide conflict over blood purity much more seriously than JKR ever did” way, not a sensationalist way.  Now, Hermione has to grapple with all her grief at losing everyone she’s ever loved or known, the moral/ethical/magical implications of sharing what she knows about her future in an alternate world, and, you know, a goddamn war with people who want to murder her for being who she is.  This Hermione is smart, and she’s kind, and she’s powerful, and she’s making real friends.  If you hate JKR’s guts I’d go read this right now, because it delivers in all the ways she failed us.  It’s plotty, its got great world-building, and it pulls back the white curtain on the wizarding world to show you that, like real life, it’s multicultural and full of queer people...and the discrimination that comes with both.

shuofthewind write epics, mainly for the MCU, and I’ve read some of them a looooong time ago, so this fic kinda seemed out of left field for me but im SOOOO GLAD it exists.  If you want MCU fic you can sink your teeth into, go for it, but alas, they do not have any more HP fic (.......yet?)

Speak Now [+] Listen Now, by mrsfrizzle on AO3, 33k altogether

Harry reaches out to Remus for support because Umbridge is getting to him with her literal torture.  Remus, being a former professor, former mandatory reporter, person who loves Harry and has since he was born, and all around good man, tells Harry he has to tell someone, or Remus will.  It’s everything any adult looking back on that time in HP canon ever wanted, which is for an actual adult to say “what the fuck, those are literal chidlren” and then do something about it.  Then, a far more dangerous task: Harry trusts Remus enough to go to him about the Dursleys.  Harry and Remus’ relationship develops SO WELL, and there’s a bit of exploration about how Sirius may not exactly be guardian material, because he did in fact spend 12 years of his life getting tortured instead of growing up.  I think I’m actually going to go reread this right now, because it speaks to my id.

they do have some other HP fic which did not appeal to my hyperspecific wants, but may appeal to some of yours.  I think they’re also a published author, there should be a link on their profile page.

chase the stars, by Duskglass on AO3, 101k (@felix-duskglass on tumblr)

When Harry is five years old, a picture of him ends up in the Daily Prophet, and Sirius Black, Terror of Ministry Officials Touring Azkaban everywhere, gets a hold of that issue.  He then, in order: breaks out of Azkaban; crosses the countryside to Surrey; Finds Harry: Kidnaps Harry; Breaks Into Remus’ Apartment; starts processing (or maybe just acknowledging) his trauma from Azkaban, the war, and his childhood; and pines after Remus.  It’s a little plotty, and deals a lot (sometimes through flashbacks) with the specific awful things that happened to Sirius—largely because, after years in the constant presence of Dementors, those are nearly literally the only memories he has left.  It’s a wonder he’s got the strength to love Harry and Remus at all.  But then, maybe it isn’t.

This is a Very Serious Fic, but the rest of Duskglass’s HP work is actually just cracky enough to tickle your funny-bone, while still making you think “okay but why couldn’t we have done that in the first place.”

So!  That’s it for recs, for now.  These are all things I’ve found and read in the last month; if any of y’all are interested in my old HP recs, let me know and I can make a post for that, too.  While I’m still very conflicted about my choice of current fandom, I am not in ANY way conflicted about my taste in fic and authors.  Send these guys some love, read their fic if you’re so inclined, and leave some nice comments at the end of it.

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[tomdiddlyumptious]

HEY ANON WHO SENT THIS, I COULD DO EVERYTHING BUT THE SMUT BECAUSE I NEED TO READ INTO IT AND LEARN SOMEMORE, I JUST REPLACED IT WITH CUDDLING!

Warnings: language, arguing? A lil violence to your wrist, weave grabbing and bodyguard running! NOT PROOF READ OR BOLD, IM JUST KINDA LAZY TODAY!

A/n: oh god what did I just write?

T.H| You Shouldn’t Go Out Anymore

We all know he is gonna feel some fuckin way y/n, don’t fight it” your friend said, sipping her cherrie slurpie after you all left the club.

“Well I don’t know what to say, I was fucking around with anyone I was just handlin my own” you let out a ‘tuh’ as you looked out the window.

“This is a man? You have been out since what? 6” your gay best friend stated, handing you your Reese’s as you only rolled your eyes.

“This is your stop, good luck babe, although you can most definitely handle your own” you opened the door as she pulled up, grabbing your stuff and hopped out the door, big ass mistake. You didn’t fall but your knees didn’t agree with you.

As your friends laughed you flipped them off and closed the door, fixing your purse as your heels clanked against the stone, you walked up to the door step, grabbing your keys and putting them in the door, before you could twist it was already opened by you great full.... angry? Boyfriend.

You jerked your head at him and came in the house, taking off your heels and going into your shared room, throwing them in the closet.

“Where’d you go?” He asked from the kitchen, soon angrily coming into the bedroom. “I got caught up in some traffic” “bullshit, where did you go?” “To the club? Why else am I wearing this?” “Why is your hair fucked up?” He asked, looking at your figure. You shrugged “I have no idea” you bit your lip as you walked up to the mirror attached to the closet, trying to unzip yourself. He stood there watching you with his jaw clenched, you could see him but you tried to ignore it your best, it wasn’t happening.

“Thomas what the fuck is your problem?” “My problem? Why are you out so fucking late!?” He raised his voice. “Why? I’m here aren’t I!” You yell back. “Why are you avoiding the fucking question, you fucking cheated didn’t you? Your a fucking slob” “A slob?” You cock your head at him, furrowing your eyebrows. “I AM SOBERRRR!” you yell at him, he only ignores you so you dance around him yelling “soberrrr! I am so soberrrr! What’s 2x2? Fourrrrr”. “Can you be serious for two minutes?” “Not when you don’t know what your fucking talking about, wanna know why I was really late?” You snapped back and he only nodded, you threw the Reese’s at his face “maybe I should’ve cheated on yo dumbass” “fuck you!”

“Haven’t you already? Unzip me” his face all scrunched as he walked up and unzipped you, you turning around and his face so close to your own “I went to the fucking store Thomas, they don’t sell snacks at the club” “did you drink at all?” “No thomas, there was just an achol free club where we all sing Barney, I love you, you love me” you smile, tilting your head to the side. “Well I’ve been sitting in this bed waiting for you” “then wait some more baby, wait some more” he grabbed your wrist pulling you closer, him towering you “look smartass, if you want to go bloody fuck around you can, just stay away from me, you don’t answer your phone, you stay out late, you have the fucking audacity to come home and try to talk to me as if I did something wrong?”

“No I’m actually talking to you like your dumb, because you are, get out of me!” You snatch your wrist back “next time you touch me I swear to god I will punch you square in yo fucking face” you take off your dress and grab your suit case, rubbing your wrist because it hurt, like hell. You know he wouldn’t ever hurt you and maybe he was caught in the moment but you were pissed. You took out all of your clothes and threw them on the side of your bed.

“Where are you going? You don’t have anywhere to go” Tom said, grabbing the clothes on the hangers and putting them back up. “Thomas put my shit down” and one thing you both knew, it is your shit, you bought it because you aren’t one of those types for when the time comes he takes everything that he bought for you.

He hesitated before he put it back on the bed “you aren’t leaving me” “I make my own decisions” you started to fold up your clothes as Thomas left, walking into the livingroom taking in what all happened.

You walked up to the door and slammed it, hissing in pain from the slight sting in your wrist, you only pushed yourself more by folding everything and throwing it in your suit case.

You set it next to the door and sat on the bed “fuck” you whispered to yourself thumbs on your temples and your hands rested on your eyebrows. it isn’t your fucking fault at all and you needed to know that but right now you’ve never ever had these kinds of fights with Tom, it was just about dinner or something petty. You ended up falling asleep.

You woke up and found yourself in the messy bedroom, hangers everywhere and suit case still next to the door. You grabbed your phone from your purse that was also on the floor, calling your friend, Imani.

“Yes” she said, you only bit your lip. “We had a fight” you went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, “I know” “how?” “It’s Thomas, and your sarcastic as hell” “well I’m leaving” “the house or the man?” “havent talked about it yet” “well you should, I got to go, text me the apartment though” you let out a hum and hung up, turning on the shower to a warm feeling.

You got dressed and flat ironed your hair sitting on your fluffy pink chair that matched your marble vanity. Then he walked in “hey” he whispered. “Hi” you said back, taking out the last section. “Are we like... not together anymore?” He asked, sitting on the bed watching you. “A break” you said, turning back to him as he nodded. “Can I ask why your doing your hair” “no Tom” “okay” his lips in a thin line.

You unpacked your stuff, getting comfy in your new but not replaced home. You were gonna move in with one of your friends at first but them you knew you wanted some alone time for yourself, you scrolled through your explore page on Instagram- stacked with zodiac signs and Evan peters, skinny girls in bikinis, generic ones.

As you scrolled through you thought ‘maybe I should- nah’ you looked in the closet looking at the small bikinis and the tight skirts and tube tops. Sooner or later the door opened revealing-

“Tye? What are you doing here?” You asked, your gay best friend entering. “I’m not the only one, and don’t come over here talking to me like I’m the enemy” “shut up” you stood up and gave him a hug, soon revealing Imani also. “You know for a fact that we was comin over, yo hair is poppin” she said “stiff where?” You shook it, silky.

Over the few days that you’ve been alone Toms been doing actually pretty well, he did miss you of course but he also did freak out and get mad that you weren’t accepting his calls, he didn’t know if you were safe until-

“Stop!” You laughed, currently in the Pool with the most smallest bikini EVER- the hot red just making your skin shine, your hair done, sunglasses on, teeth white, feet done nails done, okay? Everything is done, by your wallet to.

Tye and his muscular lil boo, throwing pretzels at you. “Have fun!” Ray said, “we didn’t take you here for no reason” Tye added both of them sitting down in the seats while you were in the pool, leaning your elbows on the brim “I know!” You lift yourself up, little did you know Imani was taking pictures of you, from behind of course, your ass the main course of the picture, everything about you was just so sexy, like you had a magnet on you that everybody needs to be attached to, but luckily that was Thomas. Did I mention it was a public pool? “Look at Jesus, he’s starring at you” everyone grabbed there black tinted sunglasses, making sure nobody could see yours and your friends eyes you looked. “Sexy” ray said, “nice and hairy, it’s time for a grown man y/n” Imani said, basically dissing Tom because it doesn’t look like he has any hair on his body ‘golden beauty’ as he’d call it.

“I don’t know, what if he’s like a hobo or something?” You said, coming up to Tye and laying down between his legs, resting your head on his pec. “Your right, he might be hairy in the business to” ray commented, making everyone laugh as Tye played with your hair. You smacked your lips as ray took out his phone “stoppp!” You said, knowing what he is doing to embarrass you, he made a boomerang of him zooming in on Jesus, but acting like he was recording himself. He labels it “JESUS?” and posted, making everyone else but you repost it on their story. “Y’all do to much” you sigh, rubbing your forehead.

“What the fuck is this? Jesus?” Tom said, sipping his beer. Looking at Harrison who is trying to hold on a laugh “you might have to fuck some since into her if ya know what I mean” a chuckle leaving his lips. “She isn’t fucking around, just leave her be” Harry rolled his eyes, all Tom was doing is looking at him phone, every, single, day. “You think she likes him? Or might have sex with him?” “You are literally so bloody annoying, what do you think?” Haz glares at him. “Well I don’t know! Fuck! She wouldn’t” Tom didn’t even wanna think about it, having another hand on your neck, hearing you moan someone else’s name, opening your legs for someone else.

“Might wanna check her profile” Harrison shrugs, Tom nods and checks it, clicking on your story and finding you say “hallelujah” while your laying on someone, a chest. You soon flip the camera “put your legs down!” You slap them, making whoever it is chuckle, you zoom in on Jesus and end up getting caught, your phone drops as the story ends.

“Your fucked” Harry laughed “shut up!” Tom said, throwing the bottle cap at him.

“No this didn’t happen, I don’t believe it” you hide in tyes chest while everyone laughs at you “stopppppp!” You whine.

You smiled as you got in your tight dress, orange and spaghetti strapped that shows a bit of your side boob, you wore thigh high black boots, your hair flat ironed again, inches inches inches, lace front, lace front, lace front, Self love yeah? You put on your dangle earrings, lipgloss eyelashes just lookin so pretty.

“You ready?” Ray asked, coming in with his loose oversized shirt and jean shorts, converse, he looked good of course but never over top, it isn’t his thing. Tye on the other hand came with a black loose unbuttoned loose shirt and black dress pants, a new pair a j’s wouldn’t hurt anybody right?

Imani didn’t like dressing up so she came with a yellow ripped crop top and black cargos with some combat boots everyone’s hair done.

No drinking and driving, you all had money of course and you were planning on just taking care of yourself, so when you got there you just went to the bar.

Of course a lot of eyes were on you, all races all genders, but you could care less. “One shot of-“ “a Shirley temple, get this fine young lady a Shirley temple” Tye said, “we don’t need you losing your mind in here, y/n” “whatever but yes please”

“Of course gorgeous” the waiter winked at you. “Ooo” Tye said making you slap his arm “where is Imani and ray?” You asked Tye, he only pointed at the dance floor, the shoes helping both of them dance better.

“You should dance” “you and I both know I look like I’m getting electrocuted” he laughed as you got your drink, taking the straw and sipping it. “Can’t we like get a table or something?” You asked, Tye nodding and asking you to step forward, a gentle hand behind your back trying to keep the drunkies away.

About an hour in is when Imani started to party “IMANIS A LESBIAN?” you shouted, only enough for you, ray, and the to hear as they eye her on the dance floor. “Aw shit, here we go again” “private story activated” Imani just making out with the girl non stop.

“Oh fuck- we need to save her!” You say, watching as they giggle and record her. “Let her have her fun, she will just wake up in another girls bed and be happy” “she looks like she has an std” “how?” “She’s way to pretty” you laugh at tye “AH- HAIR PULLING? OH MY” “BAHAHAHA” you all scream laughing, Imani must of pulled to tight because that lace came off, as Imani pulled away and looked at her her eyes got bigger, she slowly lifted the lace compared to her head, “oh my fuckin god she’s gonna do it” “no she isn’t” “yes, yes she is” she ran off.

The lace in the air as she disappeared like a magician “OH MY FUCKING GOD” Tye posted it, you instantly took out your phone, biting your lip and seeing the missed calls, but ignoring it and opening Instagram, finding tyes private story and posting the post on your own.

“That’s sad, I feel bad for the girl” ray said, holding in his laughs as he looked at the and started cracking up. “We should’ve saved her-“ you got caught by heavy breathing “what the hell happened?” “Sis, you drunk forreal” you only shook your head “yo hair is lookin mad frizzy, let’s go sneak somewhere” you say getting up. “Look at y/n, sober but crazy” “shut the fuck up” you leaded them into this little space where the hallway is, not supposed to be there but fuck it. You found an iron “let’s get you back on track” you say, plugging in the iron “girl no” “it’s going to help” “that is hella ghetto” “you hair is lookin hella ghetto” as it got done heating up she took out her phone “look at her” “I’m making your hair look good, the fuck you expect? Hermiones bag so I can pull out a flat iron?” You picked up the iron and took her hair making the part straight first before pressing down. “Why y’all laughing?” You say looking at Tye and ray giggling in the background “you hookin her up that’s- that’s a good friend” and just like that, POW, her lace was lookin fresh.

“Now that we are here should we take some pictures?” Tye asked, everyone nodding as you set up your phone against the wall, everyone posing, you squatting, ray laying across all of you infront, imanis tongue out and Tye throwing up the finger, it went on for a while so the laughs were covered by the bodyguard walking in. “ Oop” “RUN!” Ray yelled, how the hell is you finna run in heels? Ray the fastest, Tye behind, Imani after him and you trying not to roll your ankles. “Get back here!” You don’t even now how but you made it infront of everyone, leaving them eating your dirt as you went to the exit “HURRY UP!” you yell “WE ARE FUCKIN TRYING! HOW THE HELL YOU RUNNIN?” Tye yelled, you opened the door everyone running out and you know behind them, the big ass guard almost catching you but you locked and shut the door, giving blowjobs did give you some extra skills.

You all ran to the car, hot and sweaty “I GOT IT ON RECORDD” Imani yelled making you all laugh. “You a real dumbass” you said, ray starting the car as everyone’s breath was heavy. You pulled out your phone on live, a lot of people entering “bitch we made it out!” “Sure did!” You switched the phone to behind the camera revealing ray and Tye in the front seat. “It was a crazy ass night” “I’m ready to take a fat ass nap” Tye joked. “Shit forreal, my piggies is killin me” you say giving your phone to Imani as you took off your heels. “Hold up- look at this” she said, putting her phone under yours showing your fans all y’all runnin and the big ass bodyguard getting dusted.

You sighed as you laid on your bed, already missing the night and taking off your dress after posting the pictures, which had the bodyguard in the back.

Buzz buzz

You saw the caller ID and huffed, rolling your eyes and leaving you in only your panties.

“She still won’t answer” Tom sighed. “Well did you expect her to? She just ran away from a bloody bodyguard she might be tired” haz said making a point. Tom only nodded his head looking at your recent pictures from the past few days, big pearly whites everywhere, ass boobs everywhere, just you everywhere. “Fuck it, I’ve called her and called her, I’m going over” “go ahead we aren’t stopping you” Harry shrugged “it might just be the best option” Sam nodded.

You turned on Cartoon Network but adult swim was playing, Robot chicken which actually scared the shit out of you. You heard a knock on the door, you mentally screamed and got up, going to your door but covering your boobs before answering the door.

“How did you find me” “I guess you could say your friends miss us together” Tom simply said, now looking down at your figure “is someone in here?!” He asked, voice slightly raised. “No thomas, come in!” You snatch him by his arm, he steps in and you close the door, not holding your boobs anymore you go to your room.

He follows you in your room, watching you as you put almost shirt. “You looked good tonight” “you were watching me huh?” He only walked up behind you taking the back of your neck and bending you over on the bed , pressing his self on you and reaching over to whisper in your ear “I guess” he pressed kisses to your neck, soft delicate ones as the coldness of his ring digging in your colored skin.

“Thomas what do you want?” You ask, clearly annoyed. His movements stuttered as he just sat on the bed, you stood back up straight and put on your shirt to sit next to him. He looks at you then down at the hardwood floor “I miss you” “and that was your way of showing me? You miss me or my body?” “I miss all of it” you put your legs up to your chest. “Really?”

“Yeah” he nods, turning to you “can I?” He asked and you nodded, he pulled you into a hug. “I love you and I was worried about you honestly, I have no idea what happened to me that night, I guess I was trying to hide me being vunrable” he whispered, your head on his shoulder as he speaked to you.

“Well I was just hungry ya know” you chuckle, making him let out a distant laugh. “I-yeah, it was a good chocolate” “you ate it?” “Yes I did” you both laugh. “But I seriously want to apologize, I don’t own you and you don’t deserve to be treated that way, at all. I love you, y/n” he whispered, taking your hand and playing with your fingers.

“I love you too” you look at him and he smiles, kissing your forehead to your nose and down to your lips. “Can we-“ “I’m tired, can we just lay down?” “Of course darling”. He helped you get rid of your makeup and you both laced down, both of you only on your underwear and your tops exposed, skin to skin as you both just admired each other, taking in each other’s scent and pressing kisses randomly as the tv ran in the livingroom.

[josiebelladonna]

i'm going to stay away from here again.

i’ve been doing fantastic, though! nanowrimo’s going great, i’m going to hit the 50k quota early once again, and i’m doing huevember at the same time just to challenge me a little bit more (because drawing challenges as they stood stopped being challenging for me about this time last year).

the reason why i’m going to stay away from here more is i’m just bored with tumblr. this past summer (you can thank alex for this), i returned to my love of reading. because of that man, i remembered how much i loved having my nose in the pages of a book when i was growing up. i don’t get that here. i don’t get the sense of intellectualism here, either. i’m also tired of the mindset of here, the “we’re better than you in every single way possible but we’re also so oppressed” and the “deathly afraid of every little thing” mindset. i yearn for a work ethic and a sense that you use your whole brain not just your last two brain cells. i haven’t been seeing that, and so, to quote my mom, “the best way to get it done is to do it yourself.”

i’ve got a good feeling about lips - not getting my hopes up, but i have a good feeling about it. along with ao3, i feel like i can really be myself over there.

fandom is an absolute drag now (don’t lie to yourselves, either: you know it’s boring but you refuse to do shit about it). i can admit that i actually like a little bit of drama, a little bit of biting humor, a little... excitement. people freak out when things get even a little bit exciting. i like things with an edge and a bit of grit, a bit of controversy. notice my emphasis on “a little bit”. just like anything deemed toxic or nasty, a little bit of those things will take you a long way. some fire will get you far (as i’ve found). but unfortunately, some people just never realize that.

i remember there being a time where it was actually cool to be a fangirl and to fangirl over things. it was cool to be uncool. what’s fangirling now? memes that make no sense even if you’re a fan, humor that’s way too on the nose even for my 14 month old niece with down’s syndrome like it’s about as subtle as a cannonball to the face, literal screaming, these ultra-informed™ rants that don’t tell you anything, and laughing in a way that sounds like you have something stuck up inside of your nose. hey, at least kpop fans know how to have a good time, as batshit insane as they are. art is old school. fanfic is a new level of trash - i should be bookmarking more fics (and i want to, too: i want to find more fics to read than what i have) because i really want to get to know you people. but i’m really not feeling it. i’m not “getting” it.

a big hang up of mine that’s followed me since i was a little kid was this pervading thought that no one wants me around. and it’s true, too: no one on my dashboard is happy to see me - and that was one of the reasons i switched off my inbox, too, aside from the nonsense i went through in 2020: i get this vibe that i’m not welcome around here. i’m too different, my likes and interests are too different, my heart is too different, everything about me is just too different for everyone’s own good. i’m as much an intellectual person as i am an emotional person, and i feel things very deeply and very passionately. i’m all about saying what you mean and using your head as much as your heart. but oh, no... heaven forbid we have any of those around here! (jesus christ, i’ve been blocked for showing my body and trying to explore my sexuality, that is the level we’re talking about here.)

i have no friends on here... i don’t think i ever have, either. i can’t even remember the last time i had a best friend, either. whenever i thought had one, they always gave me a reason not to be. it’s like when you walk into the room where people are talking and then they stop once they see you. it’s exactly like that when i come on here.

i’ve long reached a point where i have a visceral reaction to seeing that little square over my inbox or replies to any of my posts because i always assume that everyone just wants to pick a fight with me or yell at me and convince me i’m wrong for feeling as raw as i do - thanks, daveigh (she’s not fooling anyone, either: like loving the dead is a shot at me when i never wanted any of this with her in the first place. she’s a bitter, obnoxious, gross, stuck-up, and hateful person. everything she does comes from a place of spite and buttering up - it’s never out of love). i literally fear the worst whenever i get a comment or a message, and the whole thing with her just made it worse.

“sit still, stay silent, and be a good girl. keep your heart out of this. you should be seen and not heard.” that’s followed me around since forever and i see it in fucking tumblr and this new generation of new tumblrs. really, you guys sound like my abusive bible-thumping grandmother and my nepotistic uncle. a disgusting, shameful generation that’s come to fruition before me, and it’s disappointing because i actually had hope for you guys, like you would help us all come to grips with ourselves and help us learn a thing or two, something we haven’t seen before. but all you fuckers do is scream at the top of your lungs, meme things to oblivion, and patronize from your proverbial cross. true intelligence is just not a virtue with any of you and you don’t care what happens to someone who might have a face.

i literally hate sharing my art on here because i know no one gives a fuck about it. i can’t do jack with four likes, and yet that just flies in everyone’s face. but oh, yeah, be more than happy to donate all your disposable income to some stranger who’s trying to throw a party for a friend of a friend. the arts are just a thing of the past now, this is more h00man - meanwhile, the artist is wanting to shoot herself in the face because her so-called audience is useless.

i have to admit: that’s probably the one reason why inktober this year was so painful for me. when i wrote to ben the last time, i had this feeling that i wasn’t welcome to do such a thing. you know what? if you support him, get out. get out right now.

and here’s a fun fact for you: matt didn’t like me and i have no idea about kim, either. so, really, the one guy in soundgarden who was nice to me was in fact chris. (save for the artist and painted in a corner, i think i might just orphan all my soundgarden fics on ao3 because i’m not proud of them in the least - the artist is based out of a good memory with joey and painted in a corner is more of a jerry fic than anything)

so figure i have baggage there. yes. the one who’s supposedly reaching for the stars has an issue with this sort of thing. where a regular person would go completely ape shit over attention like that, i crawl under a rock because... i don’t deserve it. they deserve the love... but i don’t.

whenever i tagged alex or eric or joey or charlie in any of my drawings, i was always reminded of those closed-off axe-grinding jerks in soundgarden who claim to love their fans but loving the weird and vulnerable ones is apparently too much to ask. whenever i wrote up a post and hit “ok” and commenced tagging, i actually had to tell myself, “no, these are different guys now. relax.” but it still hurt me to do it, though, especially when my tablet would blow up with notifications afterwards. it would literally make me recoil like, oh my god, what have i done. what have i done. what did i do. oh god, no. that was the stupidest thing i could do. what the hell am i gonna do with all these COMMENTS. i’m being judged now. everyone hates me. i’m going to end up even more alone than i did before then. shit.

i’ll admit it: i’m a paranoid person. i feel like even the sweetest of drawings like this one would get me blocked or kicked off some site. i feel like i’m looking at the worst things the world has to offer because i was always told that it would happen to me. hey, i got a firestorm up my ass for making a completely innocuous joke once and to this day i’m still getting blocked for telling jokes.  anything can happen because what even is fun anymore? we live in a time where the emotionally dim and intellectually stunted are revered and the true humans are left to die.

now you know why on my ao3 profile, i say “know i always read your comments” because i really do. i just don’t know what to do with them other than comment back and even there i don’t know what to say other than “thank you i guess”. i’m actually an ungrateful ass so figure it’s going to have that subtext to it.

because how is someone supposed to know if people enjoy her company when she’s gotten nothing but abuse for having a heart, for wanting to connect, for... being human? and the ones who are actually sweet to her, she has to tap on their shoulder and make them see her because she doesn’t see them often. the ones who are actually sweet to her she assumes is all a charade because it always has been up to this point. how is someone supposed to know if people enjoy her company or want to get to know her when they talk down to her and make her feel worthless for sitting at the table and asking questions?

i’m staying away from tumblr for literally the exact reason why i stayed in the dark for the better part of two years starting in 2016: i know there’s something better than all of this. there’s been so much pain in my 28 years of existence. so much, and i deserve it. i’m not a gift to the world and the incessant reaffirmation of all the said pain just confirms it for me over and over again (again, thanks daveigh). nothing i say or do matters, and i don’t matter.

i'm staying away... but i’ll be damned if anyone cares or notices, though. i’ll be damned if anyone asks about me. if someone i thought was a friend pulls that immature third-grade nonsense where she completely ignores my existence and then screams her head off at me when i try to extend an olive branch at her, what makes me think she hasn’t told people around her to do the same? what makes me think the patterns of abuse i went through with my extended family has carried over into the world of fanfic and a place i actually felt comfortable in at one point?

i’ll be damned. i will be genuinely surprised if anyone notices or cares that i’m not here.

[dmsden]

Even Better than XPs! - A D&D/RPG gift guide for 2020

Hullo, Gentle Readers! Well, this week is a 5th Monday, so I get to write a freestyle article for you all. And, with the holiday season rapidly approaching, I thought it might be fun to look at some new items that could be given to your gamer friends, or, alternately, added to your own wishlist so that your loved ones will stop complaining that you’re hard to buy for!

I will preface this by saying that I am not receiving payment or bribes from any company to plug their wares (more’s the pity). These are purely my own opinions.

So, unless you’ve been under a rock, you’ve probably heard about Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything. It’s a new D&D book that’s a huge rules expansion to 5E, and it literally has something for everyone in it. If you’re a DM, it has lots of new magic-items, as well as a whole section just for you on things like Session Zero, Puzzles, Environmental Hazards, and more. If you’re a player who’s about to start a new character, there’s tons of new subclasses, as well as the new base class of the Artificer. If you’re a player with an existing character, there are alternate class features, new spells, rules for things like sidekicks, and more. This book was a blast to read, it’s chock full of great art, and it made me excited to explore some of these options in my own games. This is my top pick for anyone who doesn’t have it yet.

If you have a D&D player in your life who also likes to cook, I’ve got to recommend Heroes Feast, the official D&D cookbook. If you follow my blog, you’ve likely already seen my photos of the food I’ve been cooking from it. Every recipe has gotten a thumbs up from me and my household, and I can’t wait to make more. It’s also got beautiful photos, interesting lore, and a section on libations both alcoholic and not. I can’t wait to do more cooking from this book, and it would make an excellent gift.

You’re trying to encourage someone to work on the campaign world they’ve been talking abotu developing for years. Well, you could offer a subtle hint by giving them the Worldbuilder’s Journal of Legendary Adventures. This handsome journal has a full year’s worth (365, yup) of writing prompts to get you to think about worlds, characters, and more. Or if you want to give something a bit more freestyle, there’s The Book of Holding, a 144 page hardcover journal. Either one is going to give the person who gets it a distinctive book to write and sketch in.

Gamers always need dice, and there are some beautiful sets out there. If you want to give someone a ridiculous amount of dice, however, maybe to jumpstart their collection, why not consider the Chessex Pound of Dice? It is literally that - 1 lb of random polyhedral dice. They aren’t the best dice you’ll ever own, but there’ll be about 80-100 of them, so they’re a great bargain!

If you have a Drizzt fan in your life, you might be aware that there’s a super detailed and articulated Drizzt and Guenhwyvar Premium Action Figure. This figure comes with two heads, two sets of hands, Drizzt’s signature scimitars, removable magical effects to put on those scimitars, Guen’s Figurine of Wondrous Power form, a cool d20, and a set of six artwork cards. Looks like a pretty sweet collectible!

Kobold Press is known for the high quality of their 5E hardcover books. Their latest monster book, Tome of Beasts 2, is no exception. I just received my copy, and the art and writing is top notch. It’s full of wild and weird monsters to shake up even the most jaded player, and, at 400 pages, it’s a hefty tome indeed! If your friend is a DM who loves hearing the players exclaim “What the heck is that?” this is a great gift. 

If there’s a youngster in your life who’s interested in D&D, and you want to give them a taste of it all, consider giving them The Young Adventurer’s Collection. These books are so much fun, and the collection is both a great savings, and it comes with a slipcover to hold them. This collection includes Monsters & Creatures, Warriors & Weapons, Dungeons & Tombs, and Wizards & Spells. Does yuour Young Adventurer have them all already? Instead, you could get them the newest book, Beasts & Behemoths, because every child should know what to do with the Tarrasque attacks.

For even more ideas, Wizards of the Coast has prepared their own gift guide. It includes home goods, games, family games, clothing, jewelry, and much more. You can check it out at https://media.wizards.com/2020/dnd/downloads/2020_giftguide_na.pdf

Well, I hope you had as much fun perusing this as I did compiling it. I hope we all have a safe and sane holiday season and make it through the rest of 2020! See you back here in a week for the last dragon of the year!

[duhragonball]

‘21

Amidst all the popular hype for seeing the end of 2020, it didn’t hit me until about lunchtime what the real highlight is that I’ve been waiting for: For the first time since 1999, the year finally ends in “numberty-number” again.    It low-key irritated me that we had to call it “two thousand three” and I was relieved when “twenty-thirteen” caught on, but it still wasn’t right because it was too short, and now we’re back in the sweet spot, and I should be safely dead by 2100, so that’s one less thing I gotta deal with.

Really, even “numberty hundred” rings true to me.    “Nineteen hundred” sounds like a year.    “Twenty-one-oh-six” sounds like a futur-y year, which is even cooler.   So did “Two thousand five”, until I was actually living in it, and it sounds even worse now that it was a long time ago and adults will talk about their childhood happening in that year.    Daniel Witwicky would be old enough to get married and grow a fancier beard than me.    That’s nuts.    My point is that, honestly, it’s the year 3000-3019 that I have to worry about, so if I ever decide to go vampire, those will be the years I hide in the ocean or force society to reset the calendar, whichever’s easier.  

I spent New Year’s Eve finishing Superliminal, which I bought on Steam after I watched Vegeta play it on YouTube.  It has a similar look and feel to the Stanley Parable, so if you liked one you’d probably enjoy the other, although Superliminal has a different theme.  I kept hoping I’d find some secret passage that I wasn’t supposed to take, and a narrator would scold me for finding the “Chickenbutt Ending”, but it doesn’t work that way.    Superliminal’s all about puzzles and awesome visuals, but it does have the same soothing design aesthetics as TSP.   Honestly, I enjoyed just wandering around in Stanley’s office, and Superliminal does the same thing with a hotel and several other settings.   It’s nice.

This got me thinking about how I kind of did everything there was to do in The Stanley Parable, and I sort of wished they would add new stuff to the game, but I’m not sure there would be much point to that.    I could play the older version, but it presents the same message, just with different assets.   The Boss’s Office would look different, but it’d be the same game.   And this got me thinking about various “secret chapters” in pop culture.  Secrets behind the cut.

I first heard about this idea in the 2000′s, when fans invented this notion that there was a secret chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.    I read a website that tried to explain the concept, and of course it lauded J.K. Rowling with all this gushing praise for working an Easter egg into the book, a literary work of “well, magic.”  

That pretty well sums up my distaste for Harry Potter, by the way.    These days, JKR has thoroughly crapped all over her reputation and legacy, but in the 2000′s it felt like half the planet was in a mad rush to canonize her as a writing goddess, to the point where fans were congratulating her for writing secret chapters that didn’t actually exist.   The idea was based on lore from the books about Neville Longbottom’s parents.    They were patients in a mental hospital, and he’d go to visit them, and they would give him bubble gum wrappers, intended to demonstrate how far remove they’ve become from reality.   The secret chapter lies in those wrappers, which all read “Droobles Best Blowing Gum” or some such.    What if Neville’s parents were only pretending to be mentally ill, so as to throw off their enemies?   Naturally, they would want to stay in contact with their son, so the bubble gum wrappers would have to contain coded messages.    Said code involves unscrambling the letters on the wrappers to make new words, like “goblin” or “sword” or “Muggle” or “Dumbledore”.    The problem is that you can also use it to make other words like “booger” or “drool” or “booobbiess.”   Play with it enough, and you can make the code say anything you want it to say, which means it’s no code at all.   

But the idea was that the not-yet-published sixth HP book would reveal all of this gum wrapper nonsense, and Neville would decode the messages and discover all of his parents’ super-cool adventures.   I’m not sure why we needed a secret chapter if Book 6 was going to explain all of this anyway in several not-secret chapters, but that was the whole point.   Fans didn’t have Book 6 yet, and they were so desperate to read it that they started trying to extrapolate what would happen next based on “clues” from the previous five.    That’s like trying to figure out what Majin Buu looks like by watching the Androids Saga.   I guess some wiseguy would have guessed that he’d resemble #19, but that’d just be blind luck.  

And when you get down to it, this whole secret chapter business is really just a conspiracy.   This is literally how Qanon works.   Some anonymous jackass posted vague “hints” on an imageboard, and people went goofy trying to interpret them and figure out what would happen in the future.   They call it “research” because they spend a ton of time on this, but there’s no basis to any of it.    It took me a few minutes to figure out that you can spell “Muggle” with the words in “Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum”, but that’s not research and it doesn’t prove anything.   But all these guys keep looking for “Hilary Clinton goes to jail next week” and lo and behold that’s all they ever find.   

In the same vein, the gum wrapper thing was really a complaint disguised as a conspiracy, disguised as a “magical secret chapter”.   At least a few fans wanted to see more Neville in their Harry Potter books, they wanted Neville’s parents, or someone like them, to have cool spy adventures or whatever else.   The point is, they clearly weren’t getting what they wanted out of the printed works, but they didn’t want to turn against their Dear Beloved Author, so they started casting about for an alternative reality, one where J.K. Rowling wrote a cooler story and hid it in the pages of the one that actually went to press.    So instead of just saying “Hey, Order of the Phoenix was kind of a letdown, I hope there’s more ninjas in the next book,” they said “Rowling is a genius because I wanted ninjas and she’s definitely going to give them to me, I have the gum wrappers to prove it.”

The same thing happened all over again when the BBC Sherlock show took a turn for the nonsensical.    I don’t know from BBC Sherlock, but I watched the fascinating video critique by Hbomberguy, and it sounds like the show did tons of plot twists until it stopped making sense altogether in the fourth season.    If you skip to 1:09:00 in the video, you’ll hear about fan theories that suggested that season four was supposed to be crappy, as part of a secret meta-narrative plan that would be paid off in a secret, unannounced episode that would not only explain everything, but retroactively justify the crappy episodes that came before.    But it’s been a few years and it never came to pass, so I think we can call this myth busted. 

Most recently, I think we’ve all seen a lot of talk about the final season of Supernatural, where I guess Destiel sort of became canon but only one guy does the love confession and the other doesn’t respond.   But I guess he does say “I love you too”  in the Spanish dub, which means the English language version was edited for whatever reason.    It’s not exactly a secret episode, but the implication is that there’s more to this than what made it to the screen.    So the questions turn to what the screenplay said, what the writers and actors wanted to do, etc. etc.    My general impression is that SPN fans are a bit more used to crushing disappointment, so they’re not quite as delusional about this show being unquestionable genius, like Sherlock and Harry Potter.     Maybe this is an Anglophile thing?   Like, if you suck at something with a British accent, people will accept it more unconditionally?   

I had seen something on Twitter about how there should have been a secret Seinfeld episode in the 90′s.    Someone suggested it at the time, they tape a whole episode, then wait until 2020 to air it, because by then it would be worth a fortune.    But they didn’t do it, because it costs a lot of money to make a TV episode, and if you don’t air the show right away, you aren’t making that money back any time soon.    Yeah, you might recoup a fortune someday, but Seinfeld was making a ton of money then.    It exposes the fannish nature of the idea.    A fan would love to discover a cool secret chapter, but a content creator isn’t necessarily keen on making a cool thing and then hiding it where few people would find it.  

I thought about doing this myself recently.   Maybe Supernatural gave me the bug, but I thought “I’m writing this big-ass story, so what if I wrote me a secret chapter for it?   Wouldn’t that be cool?”     But no, it wouldn’t be cool, because it’d be the same work as writing a regular chapter, and the same stress I feel when I hold off on publishing it.    Except I’d just never publish it, I’d put it in some secret hole on the internet and hope that some superfan who might not even exist can decode whatever clues I leave.  

I mean, it’d be awesome if it got discovered and everyone loved it.    “Hey, I found this hidden chapter!   Mike’s done it again!”   And I could bask in the glory.   But what if no one finds it?  Then I just wasted my time, right?   I want people to read my work.   My monkey brain needs the sweet, sweet validation of those kudos and comments, folks.   Once I realized that, I understood why no one else would want to do a secret chapter either.    Easter eggs are one thing, but the bigger bonus features they put on DVDs were pretty easy to find, and with good reason.

I think that’s what made the Stanley Parable so appealing to play, because it teases you with the idea that you can “break” the game and find some extra content that you weren’t supposed to see, but as you go exploring all those hidden areas, it gradually becomes clear that this is just part of the game; you were meant to find all these things, and that’s why they were put here.      It’s hidden, but he secret aspect of it is just pretend.   

I suppose that what I like about games like TSP and Superliminal is the illusion of secrets more than the secrets themselves.    I like roaming through the hallways, having no idea what I might find ahead.    I kind of wish I could open all the doors, and not just the ones the game designers put stuff behind, but the reality is that there’s nothing on the other side.    I used a cheat code once  to explore the unused doors in TSP and it’s just a bright white field on the other side.   Interesting to look at, but not much of a reveal.   Honestly, the doors themselves are more appealing than anything that could lay behind them.  

And that’s probably what makes secrets so fun.   They could be almost anything, but once you open the present, the number of possibilities drops to one.   If they had ever made that Secret BBC Sherlock Episode, I doubt it would have lived up to expectations, but fans could amuse themselves by imagining what could have been in it.    In the end, though, things usually don’t justify the hype.  For every Undertaker debut at Survivor Series 1990, there’s a Gobbledygooker debut at Survivor Series 1990.   It’s impossible to manufacture a secret with a guaranteed payoff.   

[softderekhale]

from the archives: snippets of a sterek pacrim au

hey y’all! i definitely haven’t been super active on this blog or tumblr at all lately, for a lot of reasons but mainly just... life. doesn’t that suck sometimes? but i really, truly hope everyone is doing well and you + your loved ones are staying safe. (long reflection + tumblr fic after the cut, lol)

i’ve been in kind of a funk with writing since the last time i “had” to do it, which was 12 days/sterek secret santa like, 6 months ago. it’s frustrating to me that i went from writing my longest fic ever exactly 2 years ago to having almost zero output now, but i’m trying not to be too hard on myself and i know writing is a really fickle pastime. anyway, this is a really long leadup, but i decided to just release some stuff i wrote into the wild. it’s either here or my google drive, so i might as well see if anyone wants to read it! 

pacific rim is undoubtedly one of my favorite movies of all time (it was only bumped down by into the spider-verse, but they’re almost tied ;D). it came out right after my sterek obsession began, and i always imagined writing a sterek au based around derek and stiles being drift compatible. that whole concept has always been so lovely to me and fits in nicely with some of my favorite soulmate-y tropes. this idea always felt too ambitious, though, and i didn’t write a single word of it until i rewatched the movie in november/december 2019. i wrote the following stuff in an extremely giddy haze over the next few weeks. i’m not good about pushing myself to write, so i never added any more, but i still really like what i had/have! i hope maybe someday i’ll feel the urge to come back to it. but anyway, here’s my completely self-indulgent homage to one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite fandoms. in my au chronology for this, following the events of the first movie, global governments and the ppdc decided to deploy jaegers for continued deep sea exploration to further benefit scientific discovery and avoid wasting such expensive tech/training. this lead to a lot of corporate interference re: treasure hunting, etc. (national treasure, but make it underwater). oh, and werewolves exist (because wouldn’t they make great jaeger pilots?!). also, A SECOND PACIFIC RIM MOVIE WAS NEVER EVER MADE. THE END. laura and derek were copilots before a kaiju-fighting incident forced them into early retirement. laura is still alive, though! (because it’s me.)

***

“Mayday! Mayday! LOCCENT, do you copy? This is Luna Geminae paging for backup. LOCCENT! Danny, we can’t hold them much longer…”

Laura’s growl of frustration rang in Derek’s ear as he strained against the beast.

“Keep holding it, Derek. You can do this. I know you can. They’re so close, Derek, they’ve gotta be. Just a few more—”

Derek never knew how Laura intended to finish that sentence. All he would ever remember was the scream that tore out of her throat. Later, he would describe it as the first time he ever understood the meaning of “bloodcurdling.”

“Laura!” Derek gritted his teeth as pain roared down his left arm, causing his vision to blur and spark white around the edges.

“My arm, Jesus, my fucking… They got my arm, Derek—” 

As water poured into the cabin above and around him, the last thing he remembered hearing was Laura’s anguished howl. Then the sky became fire, and everything went dark.

***

The day of the accident convinced Derek that his world would never stop burning.

For months after, when he lay staring at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning, the staticky shapes his eyes created to fill the darkness always melted and formed a wall of flames no matter how many times he scrunched his eyes shut and buried his face in his pillow. The noises, too — the ambient whoosh of the Dome’s ventilation system and the soft heart-like thud of the power grid soon coalesced into a unified, rhythmic chant that sounded more and more like Laura’s scream the longer Derek listened: Derek! Help!

In the days and weeks following their accident, Derek had tried every trick he could think of to reassure his subconscious that Laura was alive and safe, and would remain so even after she left his line of sight. For almost a week after she was released from the medical bay, he slept in the spare bunk above her. As reticent as he normally was to invade Laura’s privacy any more than he had to, experiencing her near-loss allowed panic and instinct to envelop Derek’s frayed nerves. He never fully explained it to Laura, but he didn’t have to — she never questioned his presence, nor did she point out that Derek always waited to fall asleep until he was certain she had already drifted off. 

Eventually, though, Derek realized the routine was leaving them both sleep-deprived and irritable. He resolved to move back to his own quarters, not wanting to smother Laura with his relentless, anxious presence. But he knew she still sensed his distress — every evening at 2300 hours, like clockwork, she knocked on his door to tell him goodnight and gently pressed her right palm against her brother’s neck before waving and returning to her own room. It was a routine they continued even now, half a decade beyond the fight that had left their Jaeger decimated. 

They had made progress, which Laura was always quick to remind her younger brother. Nothing could have prepared him for the aftermath of the accident, though, and the dark places where Derek’s mind would drift when there was no one around to distract him. Alone with his thoughts, no reassurance was strong enough to quiet Derek’s memories.

He shifted again in bed, his half-awake mind scrambling to remember the breathing exercises Deaton had taught him over the years.

Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. One. Two. Three—

Derek!

Start again. Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. Slower this time.

Good. Again.

***

This comes way after the scene above lol sorry

“Right hemisphere locked. Left hemisphere locked. Vitals are steady. Initiating neural handshake.”

Danny’s voice echoed through Derek’s head as he let his eyes flutter shut and tipped his head back. He’d been anxious about this moment for days now, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t secretly a little — or a lot — excited, too. Drifting was a heady, emotional experience, and if he and Stiles were truly compatible, Derek might finally get to settle the unease he had felt since his connection with Laura was severed.

“Alright,” Danny said. “You should be feeling it in three… two… one.”

Derek’s eyes flew open, but his gaze defocused as he felt his center of gravity list forward before returning.

As his sense of internal balance returned, the tingle of the neural link fizzed over his scalp. There it is. Slowly, then all at once, he felt the rush of Stiles’ mind meeting his own. Their emotions flowed over one another like water, memories flashing and sensations pulsing before slipping away into their shared flow of awareness. Derek had trained himself long ago to let himself float until the waters steadied, and he could feel Stiles, ever perceptive, do the same.

“Neural handshake established and holding at 100 percent.”

Without having to think twice about the gesture, Derek felt his knuckles meet his palm as he dipped into a customary bow. As he and Stiles led Luna in her first exploratory steps, Derek felt the weight of any lingering fears melt away.

With Laura, Derek had always felt like they were extensions of one another, movements and decisions cascading seamlessly from a fully unified thought process. Drifting with Stiles, though, felt unlike anything Derek had ever experienced. They were two sides of the same coin — each aggressive and reserved in equal, opposite measure. If Derek and Laura were reading from the same script, he and Stiles were finishing each others’ sentences as they improvised the same scene. 

When they first met, Derek had found Stiles anything but graceful — but now, as they nearly seemed to glide across the ocean floor, he felt foolish for not realizing the instinctive adjustments and calculations stiles was constantly making based on his surroundings. As they steered Luna across the testing ground, Derek felt his temples begin to thrum with an energy he hadn’t felt in years. Best of all, he knew Stiles felt it too — he could literally trace the path of his elation as it wrapped around Derek’s senses and amplified his own excitement.

“How are you doing?” Derek shouted across the rig. It wasn’t a question he needed to ask verbally, but he chose to anyway, knowing it would help ground them both in the present moment and prevent any stray thought spirals from taking over their link.

“So good, dude. This is — this is unreal,” Stiles replied, slicing through the air with his left arm to test the angle of the jaeger’s knuckle daggers.

Derek smiled. “Not exactly like the simulators, huh?”

“Nothing like the simulators, man. Holy shit.”

As they continued to acclimate to the drift, Derek took Stiles through a few more of Luna’s signature maneuvers. Stiles’ extensive research showed, and combined with the knowledge he and Derek now shared, the moves seemed to come naturally.

“Do you want some music?” He and Laura always played music when training, but he didn’t want Stiles to feel—

“That’s all I want right now, Derek.” Derek’s grin broadened as Stiles flicked through the controls hovering in front of him. A heavy bass line thrummed through the cabin, and Derek finally did what he never thought he would be able to again in his lifetime: he let his mind relax and free-fell into the drift.

***

Two hours after he and Stiles had eaten dinner and finally parted ways, Derek still couldn’t stop thinking about their drift.

That wasn’t unusual, all things considered — emotional transfer was common, especially for werewolves and especially during the first few drifts with a new partner.

Every time Derek thought about his connection with Stiles, though, and the experience of their emotions weaving together, his mind kept snagging in one place. It was a place that had struck Derek even during the high of the neural handshake, not because it felt odd or foreign, but because it felt hauntingly familiar — but looked ugly and sinister looming over someone else. 

It was anguish. It was a grief that had been doused in shame and set alight. It was a feeling of loss and self-loathing that made Derek feel like he was suffocating. It was exactly the way Derek had felt every day for years after the fire, and again after the accident. 

He had tried to explain it to Laura as dispassionately as possible all the times she chided him for blaming himself or expressing guilt over what happened to their family, but he never knew how to describe it until he experienced it through Stiles’ memories. It was sore, like a bruised rib, a persistent ache that radiated out from the point of impact and lingered at the edge of his consciousness. Distractions might be able to push away some of the pain, but as long as he kept breathing, it would always be there.

Derek hadn’t seen exactly where Stiles’ pain radiated from, but it seemed to shroud the memories of his mother especially strongly. Stiles told him she had been sick, though — why would he feel guilty about her death?

He sat up, his leg bouncing as he fidgeted absently with a hangnail. Since deciphering what that unexpected shared emotion reminded him of, Derek couldn’t stop thinking about it. This, he knew, was normal too — without an outlet, emotional transfer tended to create a feedback loop as a co-pilot bounced back and forth between their own memories and their partner’s. 

Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek shot up and strode to the door. It was late, almost midnight, and the full body experience of drifting had left Derek racked with fatigue. But — he just wanted to talk to Stiles. To be near him, again, as if it were a substitute for the feeling of absolute synchronicity they had just shared. It would only take a few minutes.

He was so distracted by his own jumbled thoughts that it took him a moment to register who stood just outside his door as he flung it open — it was Stiles, hand paused in mid-air.

“Stiles.” Very eloquent, Derek, he chided himself with an internal voice that sounded suspiciously like Laura.

“Oh— Well. Um. Hi.” Stiles gave a small wave before shoving his hand in his pocket. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were about to—“

“I was about to find you.”

Stiles paused. “Really?”

Derek stepped back, nodding toward the doorway. “Really. Do you want to come in?”

As he and Stiles stood facing each other silently, Derek scrambled for exactly what he wanted to say. Everything was so effortless when they were in the drift. Why was it so hard to find the words now?

To his relief, Stiles was the one who broke the silence. “Sorry, I’m sure you’re tired… I’m just kind of keyed up, I guess, and I couldn’t—“ Stiles ducked his head down. “I don’t know. I thought it might help to see you.”

“Don’t apologize. You have good instincts,” Derek assured him. “And I— I wanted to see you too,” he added, feeling the tips of his ears heat. 

He could almost feel Stiles’ sigh of relief in his own chest. “Can I sit?”

“Of course.” Derek scooped a discarded pile of clothes off his bed and gingerly sat down after Stiles, mindful of the careful space between them. “Are you feeling okay?”

Stiles’ eyebrows jumped. “Yeah, I feel fine, I really do, but I just feel… jumpy, I guess. Which is normal for me, but I can tell this is different. I don’t know how I know, but…” he trailed off, gesturing abstractly in front of him.

Derek nodded. “I know what you mean. You can’t really prepare for the drift until you’ve done it,” he said, remembering how disjointed he felt after his first few test runs. “But it gets easier,” he added.

Stiles shook his head. “I’m not worried about it. I trust you.” His eyes shot up to meet Derek’s, as if challenging him to dispute the steady, honest heartbeat behind his words. 

Derek was surprised to feel something behind his eyes sting at the pronouncement. He looked away from Stiles’ scrutinizing gaze, but he felt the other man’s eyes continue to study him. “I’m glad. I— that means a lot to me.”

Stiles nodded, remaining thoughtfully silent. Derek sensed he wanted to ask something, but wasn’t ready to admit it on his own.

“Is there anything I can do?” Derek asked gently, eyes seeking Stiles’ again.

Stiles looked pointedly away and bit at his thumbnail. “Um. It sounds stupid now. But I read… I read that physical contact can help,” he mumbled, so quickly Derek might not have caught it without his magnified hearing.

He realized Stiles’ admission may have felt embarrassing for a human, but for Derek, it was almost a relief. He reached forward slowly and cupped his hand over Stiles’ shoulder with a light squeeze. 

“It’s not stupid. You felt how intense the drift is. When you separate from a complete mental overlap, it can be disorienting. And you know how tactile wolves are — that makes it even harder for us, so you’re probably getting some of this from my own emotional bleed.” He didn’t miss the way Stiles melted into his touch, his whole body swaying into their point of contact.

Stiles nodded. “Yeah. That makes sense. Thanks,” his gaze flicked up to meet Derek’s.

“Do you—“ Derek didn’t really know how to ask for more contact. It came so naturally with other werewolves, so he’d never really had to think about it before. “I don’t want to touch you in a way you’re not comfortable with. But if you want to lay down, or you want me to lay down or…” He took a sharp, steadying breath. “I’m trying to say that I understand, and I think it will make us both feel better, and I’m fine with whatever level of contact you’re okay with.”

Stiles laughed, a bright and unexpected break in the tension. “Jesus. Listen to us. I feel ridiculous, but— Thank you. You’re very considerate.” He paused, expression drawing almost imperceptibly tighter. “I want that too, though. I want you to feel comfortable. If you’re not, if there’s anything I do— I promise I’ll ask, first, and if you can tell me, I want you to.” 

Derek felt a lump rise in his throat. Stiles’ words were sincere, but carefully chosen. He wasn’t sure how much of his own memories Stiles had observed, but it seemed to have been enough to understand that physical touch had once been a powerful weapon wielded against him.

“Thank you,” he answered quietly, before gently tugging at Stiles’ arm. “Here, lay down.”

The bed was barely wide enough for both of them to lay side by side, but it was just enough space for both men to settle on their backs with their elbows carefully layered between them. Derek hesitated for a moment before angling his head against Stiles’ neck. “Is this okay?”

Stiles hummed in agreement, the back of his hand flitting against Derek’s so softly he almost thought he imagined it. “This is perfect.” He inhaled deeply through his nose and tilted his head closer to Derek’s. They lay silently for a handful of minutes, and the rhythmic in-out of Stiles’ breathing nearly lulled Derek to sleep.

Suddenly, Derek felt Stiles still. “Why were you about to come look for me?”

Derek huffed. “I wanted to see you.”

“What, you had to check in on the rookie who can’t handle a drift?” Stiles’ tone was light, devoid of any real offense, and he jostled his shoulder gently against Derek’s.

“You did great. If anything, I— I hadn’t done it in so long, and Laura was my only co-pilot before you.” Derek frowned, remembering the heavy emotions of Stiles’ that had ensnared him earlier. He didn’t want to overwhelm Stiles, but he also wanted him to know that he both empathized with and thought highly of him. 

“I never thought I would get in a rig again,” Derek continued. “I don’t think I trusted myself enough. I carry… I carry a lot of guilt, Stiles. But when I thought about piloting with you, the guilt didn’t win. You’re the first person who’s been capable enough, smart enough, strong enough, that I didn’t have to worry.” 

Stiles didn’t respond at first, and a flash of panic seized Derek before he felt strong, warm fingers curl around his own.

“I won’t let you down,” Stiles said, his voice nearly a whisper and rough with emotion.

“I don’t think you could,” Derek whispered back, before he let his eyes slip shut and exhaustion overtake him.

***

When Derek awoke the next morning, he was startled — but it wasn’t in reaction to the way Stiles had draped himself over Derek in his sleep. Feeling Stiles’ arms around his waist felt oddly natural. The surprising part was how well he had slept — it was the first night of uninterrupted slumber he could remember having in months, if not longer.

***

yeah so... that’s all for now! if you read this, thanks and i hope you’re doing well!!! ❤️ 

[mythinspo-blogg]

✨ Life Update✨

Hey bitches, your favourite inactive girl is back, I don't know for how long tho.

I've recently been getting some more follows on this page and I'm super proud of that. So welcome everyone who has joined recently a common theme on this page is that I am very inactive.

Thought I should jump in and give you guys a life update and how I am doing.

Hmmm where to start lol

1) Education

College started up again and I was so excited for it honestly but when I saw the people I hung around with last year it just made me feel hella insecure. I can explore this further in another post but basically some shit happened in my past so now I kinda have this inability to be secure in friendships especially friendship groups.

I have been trying to keep up to date with the work, I've made a plan that I will write up the powerpoint notes biweekly per lesson. So hopefully this will allow me to keep up to date with everything.

2) Relationship with food

This is a weird one atm.. I'm only really eating once a day now idk why. Well I do actually I've been super depressed recently and due to me not really having friends for lunch I usually skip it and stay in the library doing work. I eat once I get home but I do have a coffee and a cinnamon roll in the mornings so that's good at least.

3) Relationship with others

Atm I feel super shit being at home and super shit being in college. Like my home life is not good atm and I don't really feel safe, idk I've been thinking about running away but I only have less than a year left at home till I go off to university so that's kinda holding me through. My mum has just been really throwing the fact I do have a full time education out the window and is making me work like a slave, I barely have time to revise or get college work done. This is making me feel like my mum doesn't actually see me as a functioning member of the family but merely like a house slave and it hurts... College has been shit due to me feeling alone. I used to talk to a guy and had a crush on him which I told him about but the feelings were not mutual. It's taken me a while to stop liking him and I have but it really hurt like hell yesterday when I mustered up the courage to ask him about it. What really hurt is him saying 'We don't talk anymore' it just kinda made me realize we aren't the same as before and I don't think we ever will be. Like this guy is definitely someone I will hold future crush to cause he was literally everything I wanted in guy but I guess it wasn't meant to be. So I've been trying to get my head around it and not feel so shitty about it.

4) Moving forward

I have been going to counselling for my feelings and hopefully I'll be able to work through some past traumas. I'm gonna try and maybe eat a bit more at college but I highly doubt that will happen, so my relationship with food is gonna be rocky for a while now.

Currently I am just trying to live life as best as I can and move forward with things. Been going off on my spam twitter I love it lol

Well until next time my pretties, hope you are all safe and well

[letterboxd]

Life in Film: Kris Rey.

As her new comedy I Used to Go Here opens, Chicago-based writer and director Kris Rey talks to Letterboxd editor-in-chief Gemma Gracewood about turning 40, divorce, female friendships, why nobody but Jemaine Clement could pull off a scene making tea, and what we can all learn from Generation Z.

If Kris Rey’s new comedy I Used to Go Here were a typical Hollywood rom-com, it would finish just before Rey’s film starts: with Kate Conklin (Gillian Jacobs) as a newly published author, engaged to be married to a handsome guy. Instead, we meet Kate in a Bushwick apartment she can no longer afford, as her publishing company breaks the news that her debut novel (Seasons Passed; terrible cover art, purple prose) is a failure and the publicity tour is off. That’s on top of the insult that her fiancé has recently ended their engagement.

Kate is given a faint ray of optimism when her creative writing professor (Jemaine Clement) invites her back to the liberal arts college she graduated from a decade earlier, to give a talk to his Gen Z students. Leaving Brooklyn and her pregnant bestie behind, Kate dives into the nostalgia of her old Illinois stomping ground, and I Used to Go Here turns into a low-key, pot-fuelled, intergenerational romp through ideas of success, friendship, creativity, authenticity and idolization.

The film’s fans on Letterboxd include Matt Neglia, who writes: “Gillian Jacobs brings charismatic charm and restraint to her role as a writer longing for a time when we were filled with endless potential without the fear of failure.” Matt DeTurck identifies with this theme: “Relatable for anyone wrestling with fitting the pieces of their life together in ways that feel truthful.”

On the contemporary representation of university life, Alex Billington remarks that “it’s got all the college movie tropes… but it repackages all of these in a smart adult-looking-back indie film package”. Max notes that “the college kids are an invaluable addition and feel like people rather than college or Gen Z stereotypes”.

Kate (Gillian Jacobs) and David (Jemaine Clement) in a scene from ‘I Used to Go Here’.

Your film starts just after the point at which a mainstream comedy about a single white woman in her thirties would end: with Kate’s book being published to no acclaim, her engagement being broken off, everybody else pregnant except her. It runs in opposition to the happy endings Hollywood has made us expect. Kris Rey: Oh god, [that’s] so astute. No-one has said that before and I have never thought of it before, but that’s so true! I think what’s so interesting about the whole journey that she goes on, and all of our own personal journeys, is that you’re used to, like, at the end of the movie, they get married! She gets her book published! And then everything is perfect! And then you realize: ‘Oh. Oh god, okay. How do I move on from this?’ So, you’re right, that is what’s so different about this.

The other thing—and I’m sure this can be said about most films this year—is how the set-up feels weirdly right for these times, which is to say: the widespread derailment of plans that the pandemic has wrought. It’s like we’re in a strange global coming-of-age. Several Letterboxd reviews observe how, for women in their late twenties to early thirties, there’s a second coming-of-age where everything suddenly feels extremely nostalgic. The film dives into that longing feeling by literally returning Kate to her old college. It’s funny, you know, a lot of people have pointed out how this doesn’t quite fit into a category. It’s not a rom-com, it’s not a true coming-of-age film in a sense of what we know that to be. I think that part of it is exactly what you’ve just pointed out, which is that it’s about a unique period of time for women, where you do reach this precipice. Mostly, it comes out of this big ever-pressing question which is “Am I going to have a family or not?”. Not every woman, but most women, have that question in their head until they either have a baby or they reach the age where they can’t have a baby anymore. “Am I going to have this? Am I going to follow this path of domesticity? Am I going to find a relationship that works long enough to have a family with them? Am I going to have to make sacrifices in my career to make room to have a family? Am I going to find them all at once?” Men just don’t have that point, to no fault of their own, but the fault of the patriarchy in general, which is that it has to be a conscious decision for women in a way that everything revolves around that, as we go about our lives at that age.

And you’ve explored that idea in more than just this film. I loved the awkward-yet-sincere moment at the baby shower, when the friends make her hold her book alongside their third-trimester bumps for a group photo. A book is a baby, and its publication should also be celebrated! Scenes like that emphasize how well Gillian Jacobs embraced the role of Kate. What did she bring to it that wasn’t on the page? There’s such a special thing that happens when you cast anyone for anything. It certainly happened with Gillian, but also with everyone. Definitely Jemaine was a big one, which is that I don’t typically write for specific actors. I write a character, I write the dialog, and then when I cast them I think ‘oh, Jemaine Clement is going to be in this role’, so then I go back through and read the whole thing in his voice and think ‘maybe he’d say it like this instead’ and maybe after [a scene we don’t wish to spoil], he would make tea for everyone. Very few, if any, American actors would be able to pull that moment off. That is kind of what I’m looking for: who are they? Are they able to feel like real people? Because so often they feel performative.

Like versions of a person. Right. Like they’re acting like a person! Gillian is very authentic. If you were to talk to her, she would just seem like her real self, and that was what was so appealing about her for me. Gillian just really brought herself, and I learned about her as a person.

As well as great comics like Kate Micucci and Jorma Taccone, there’s a lovely assortment of inclusive young characters who live in Kate’s old student house. Where did you find them? I just flushed them out and gathered them and held them close! There’s a couple of them that I didn’t know but I had seen in other stuff. Josh Wiggins, who plays Hugo, I’d seen him act in a movie called Hellion. Forrest Goodluck I saw in The Miseducation of Cameron Post. He’s incredible in that and I knew I wanted him to play Animal. Hannah Marks was someone that was sent to me, and we talked on the phone and I just knew she would be perfect. She’s such a brilliant go-getter and filmmaker and so ambitious in her own life. Khloe Janel, who plays Emma, auditioned for me here in Chicago and she’s so good. I adore her. I was taking a walk yesterday through the neighborhood and I saw her name on a little sign—she was making these poetry zines! I bought one.

Hugo (Josh Wiggins), Animal (Forrest Goodluck) and Tall Brandon (Brandon Daley) in ‘I Used to Go Here’.

The person we need to know about is whoever the guy is who plays Tall Brandon! Brandon Daley, who plays tall Brandon, is a person that I just knew. He is on the periphery of my social circle and he had come to a few parties at my house. His buddies called him ‘Tall Brandon’, in this very demeaning way! They were of course all good friends. I thought he was such a funny character that I wrote the character based on him. But I didn’t know him. Then he heard that I had written a part called Tall Brandon and he asked if he could play the part. I was like, “I don’t think so, Brandon!”

Was he an actor? Kind of. He’s a filmmaker but he’s much younger than me and he hadn’t done anything besides his own work. But I made him audition for the role based on him! [Laughs] I don’t know, I was just like, it’s a huge role, you know? The last thing you want is someone who can’t act like themselves, which everyone struggles to do. Anyway, he was so good in the audition, so funny, and he just nailed it. He steals the whole movie! He’s just so good.

I Used to Go Here is a long way from problematic college fare like Revenge of the Nerds or the angst of St Elmo’s Fire. It feels thoroughly 21st-century, especially in how the Gen Z housemates take an inclusive, ‘sure, why not’ approach to having Kate tag along with them. What inspired the way you wrote the intergenerational aspects of the film? There weren’t necessarily college films that I was using for inspiration. I wanted the place to feel the same that she left, but I wanted the people to feel different. This is what I’m finding in my life. I’m gonna turn 40 this year, and when I interact with people in their twenties, I’m blown away by the way that they view the world and the way that they view themselves and each other. I’m so impressed by it. And I am on board with a lot of these cultural changes that we’re seeing happen before our eyes, like, the idea of gender identity has changed so much, and so quickly. I’ve never seen anything change like that in my life. The idea of consent. When I first heard it I was like, “What? You have to ask if you wanna touch someone or kiss someone? It seems so lame!” Now, I can’t believe that we ever did that! I’m learning so much. They seem so clear-headed about it all. I just think that we have a lot to learn from that generation.

The movie’s not about that, necessarily, but it’s infused into it and I wanted that to influence Kate, in her life. Some of it is specific to this generation, but some of it is also just specific to being in your twenties. The character April, the way that she thinks about the [publishing] industry and her art, and the way that Kate, who is jaded, is like, “Okay, whatever, you’re naïve, make your little magazine, but you’ll have to follow the rules.” We’ve all been faced with that before.

Kris Rey with her son Jude Swanberg on the set of ‘I Used to Go Here’. / Photo by Blair Todd

So it’s a watershed year for you, turning 40. What would you define success and happiness as now, compared to when you were in your twenties and the ideas you had about the industry then? Oh, god. Okay so I’ve also had a lot of personal growth because I got divorced this last year, which was crazy. I’ve got two kids, a four year old and a nine year old. So I’ve been through so much; it’s been such a huge change for me. I have learned a lot, but one of the things that I have learned so much is that the relationships that matter the most in my life are my female friendships. I’ve always known that, but I’ve never seen it so much as I have in the last two years, both personally throughout my divorce, and professionally through making a film without a romantic partner to lean on. Of course I have male friends that are wonderful and supportive, but my female friends, those relationships are where I’m realizing I wanna put my effort into more than any other part of my life.

Okay, it’s time for a few questions about movies that are important to you. Thinking back, what is the film that made you want to be a filmmaker? Boogie Nights was the first film that I watched when I was in high school that I thought ‘oh, this is a job, and I’m seeing someone make stylistic choices that are interesting and unique’. You can see the behind the scenes in that movie a little bit. I remember watching it and thinking ‘that would be a cool job’. I also really loved the movie Bottle Rocket in high school. I began my filmmaking career thinking that I wanted to make documentaries, and so there’s also a lot of docs that I loved. But those were the early films that made me realize that it was even a job. Unfortunately not any female filmmakers, because I think that was just so rare [then].

What is your all-time comfort favorite film? Sleepless in Seattle, no question.

There’s your female filmmaker! Yes, but with a movie like Sleepless in Seattle, it’s such a mainstream movie that I never thought of it as ‘a job’. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I saw more independent and auteurish works. But Nora Ephron is a genius. That movie is perfect in my opinion.

What’s a film that, as a teenager, felt like a mirror into your soul? That movie with Chris O’Donnell, an Irish film, Circle of Friends. With Minnie Driver! Who is also in Good Will Hunting, another film I saw in high school. I haven’t seen Circle of Friends since it came out, but it felt very real to me, that movie. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that movie to anyone!

Gwyneth Paltrow and Joseph Fiennes in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ (1998).

What is the sexiest film you’ve ever seen? Shakespeare in Love! [Laughs.] There’s two movies. One was Legends of the Fall. It was literally the sexiest movie I’d ever seen up till that point. I was very young when it came out and there was this lovemaking scene by candlelight and I was like, ‘oh, that’s what sex is!’. And then Shakespeare in Love. That scene where he’s unwrapping her? So hot.

Who is another director you’d die for? I’m such a huge fan of Nicole Holofcener. I love her films so much. I have never met her. I do know some people that know her and I am honestly so scared to meet her because I like her work so much. She’s probably my favorite filmmaker. I just vibe with everything she makes. I love the tone. I just love all of her movies.

What’s a film that we should watch after we watch yours? You should watch She Dies Tomorrow. It’s so good, and Amy Seimetz is my very, very close and dear friend. We started making movies at the same time. Our movies were supposed to premiere at SXSW on the same day, and now they are being released on the same day, and we’re just in love with each other. Amy and I are— the movies are so wildly different from each other, but her movie is so good. It is really funny, it’s really weird and it’s really appropriate for the times right now.

I feel like some reviews are missing the comedy in it. I laughed so much throughout that film. I agree: people don’t get it! Can I shout out another movie that I watched recently? Crossing Delancey. I had never seen it before and my sister-in-law texted me and she was like, “you should watch this film like right now—this seems like something you would love”. I couldn’t believe how good it was. It’s so great. It feels like it could be shot right now in Brooklyn. All the cool kids in Brooklyn are dressing exactly the same way that all the cool kids in Brooklyn dressed in 1988, or whenever it came out. She’s having a dialog with a friend and the friend is like openly breastfeeding. And the way that they’re talking about romance and all this stuff is so on point. That movie’s great.

And another female director! Joan Micklin Silver. Yeah!

Related content

Dana Danger’s chronological list of films directed by women

Appropriate Behavior: the Letterboxd Showdown of indie, slacker and mumblecore films

Quarter Life Crisis: a list by Mary, and another by Michelle

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

‘I Used to Go Here’ is now in select theaters and on demand. All press images are courtesy of Gravitas Ventures.

[spideyy-girl]

Hope ~ Peter Parker (pt. III)

Summary:  Y/N gears up and gets ready to go into battle, determined as ever to get her best friend and the love of her life, Peter Parker, back to her after 5 long years without him.

Fandom: MCU

Warnings: bit of swearing as per usual, depictions of violence, fighting, blood, death, and other gory scenes, angst and fluffy at the end. THIS DOES NOT FOLLOW MCU CANON! EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN SNAPPED WAS AGED THE SAME AS THOSE WHO WEREN’T, SO PETER IS STILL THE SAME AGE OF Y/N, AND THEY ARE BOTH AROUND 21!!!!

Word Count: 10100 (28 pages wOAh)

A/N: finally, the long-awaited finale for Hope is here! Thanks to everyone who showed so much support for this series I love every single one of you honestly! Lmk if you guys want an epilogue? cause I don’t wanna be done with this series yet lol

If you haven’t read the first two parts, I would suggest looking through them before reading this!

PART 1 ~ PART 2 ~ MASTERLIST

~~~

Y/N walked towards the large platform in the middle of the room with the remaining of the Avengers, all in their rather cool looking matching time heist suits. She had to admit that she felt pretty badass, walking alongside the world’s mightiest heroes, going off to save the world like it was any other Tuesday for them.

After the young girl found out the formula of time travel and showed it to Tony, they had created a steady device and explained the idea to the team, which everyone quickly agreed with. They had been split up into three teams to go back in time and gather all six infinity stones before Thanos could find or use them. The teams were split up into Natasha, Clint, Nebula and Rhodey to get the soul and power stones, Thor, and Rocket to get the reality stone (or ether I guess), and Scott,  Bruce, Tony, Steve and Y/N to get the Time, Mind, and Space stones.

The team now stood on the platform, putting their hands together as Steve performed his motivational speech, Y/N clung onto every word, still shocked that she got to suit up with them, and also a bit nervous. But she knew that she had the proper training if it came to it and if worse comes to worst, she has a quick solution handy in her pocket, one that she’s been carrying around for years.

“One round trip each. No mistakes, no do-overs,” Cap spoke as he looked around at everyone in the circle. “Most of us are going to a place we know; that doesn’t mean we should know what to expect. Be careful, look out for each other.” Y/N looked beside her up at Tony, who smiled reassuringly at her. “This is the fight of our lives, and we’re gonna win. Whatever it takes.” Steve finished his speech as they separated hands. Y/N looked over at Nat and gave her a smile, to which she returned.

“See you in a minute,” she says winking over at her mentee. She rolled her eyes but laughed. Suddenly the machine above them started to whir and spin around, and the mask on Y/N’s suit came up to cover her face. She felt her breathing start to go heavy but soon relaxed as Tony gave her hand a squeeze. She felt her body being compressed down into the size of an atom and swept away into the quantum realm, trying to control herself and following the lead of Tony just in front of her.

Before she knew it her feet hit the ground below her and her knees buckled from underneath her. As she regained her balance and looked up, her eyes went wide as she took in the scene in front of her. Just a few feet away, she saw the original Avengers, formed in a circle and gearing up for the infamous battle of 2012 against Loki. Y/N almost let out a squeal, remembering watching them do their work on the news when she was younger.

“You alright there?” Tony asked as he gave the girl a teasing smile. “You look like you’re about to explode.” Y/N shook her head but smiled back.

“Yeah I just, wow I was such a fan of you guys when I was younger,” she said as she watched on as they parted ways and did their own thing to take down as many aliens as possible. She then looked back up at Tony and smirked, one that reminded him of himself. “You guys were so much cooler back then. Now you’re all like, big old grampa’s.”

“Woah!” Tony said, giving her a playful look of pain as he grabbed his heart as if she had stabbed him with her comment. “Ouch, you know I understand why you would say that for Cap, cause he’s literally like, 100 years old but for me?”

“Guys we have to focus here,” Bruce caught their attention before Y/N could come back with another snarky comeback. “God sometimes I wonder how the two of you arent’s related, you’re like the same person nowadays.” Tony rolled his eyes, looking back out onto the street.

Before they could try and cross the street to get to the Stark Tower, a giant and raging green Hulk came down from the ground, pounding robots into the ground and flinging them around like ragdolls. As the group looked back at Bruce he covered his face, embarrassed of what he used to be. Steve told Bruce and Scott to find Dr. Strange and the time stone while he, Tony, and Y/N went up to the Stark tower to get the mind and space stone. As they got in and saw the past Avengers, Steve departed to get Loki’s staff, containing the mind stone, while Tony and Y/N worked on getting the Tesseract.

Y/N hid out in a small conference room out of sight, since Tony didn’t want her directly participating in the mission, much to her demise. She opened her laptop, which she disguised as a briefcase. She quickly typed in the password before pulling up multiple programs on the small screen, including a camera view from Tony’s glasses and a controller for a small robotic device she’d use to slip around without being realized.

“You sure this is gonna work, kid?” Tony asked quietly through the comm, causing Y/N to roll her eyes.

“Yes, Tony. I’ve been working on this model forever, I know what I’m doing,” she sassed back, looking through a small camera on the spider-shaped device she originally created with Peter. “Just remember I’m the reason we’re all here. I’m not just a pretty face, Stark.”

“Yeah yeah,” he mumbled as he watched his past self pack up the Tesseract in a briefcase. “Ok, spider-girl, release your little spiderling.” He says dramatically as the spider crawls from his pocket and makes its way onto the roof. Y/N chuckled at the nickname before focusing on controlling the spider-robot, the decoy lowering itself onto past Tony’s shoulder without anyone noticing. She couldn’t help but let out a little squeal at her excellent work. She watched through the small cam as the Avengers (excluding Hulk, who was told to take the stairs) made their way into the foyer of the building.

Tony watched along as his past self walks along with the other original Avengers and Loki. Alexander Pierce and his crew walked towards them as present-day Tony gave Y/N the signal to drop down. Y/N dropped the spider drone into Tony’s beard and then down onto his chest, the almost microscopic robot slipping through and into his arc reactor. She explores for a while until she finds what Tony had told her would cause the distraction.

“Is this really a good idea, Stark?” Y/N asked worriedly, not thinking of the consequences until then.

“Yeah, sure. It’ll only cause me to go into a tiny cardiac distract,” Tony stated casually, and Y/N’s eyes widened immediately, stopping the robot.

“What?!” She says, shaking her head. “Okay, no. No no no no no. I’m not gonna do this, we can figure out something else it’ll be fine.”

“Y/N, hey, calm down,” Tony says, his voice going lower. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I mean I’m still here, so that’s gotta mean something right? If I died I wouldn’t be here.” Y/N scoffed at his words, but still, her hands were shaking, not wanting to hurt someone she had gotten so close to. She couldn’t bear if anything happened to him.

“No shit, Sherlock,” she whispers back into the comm, but loud enough for him to hear it. He rolled his eyes and continued to watch as Pierce tried to snatch the case away from his hands. “Time’s running out, Y/N. Pull my pin!”

“Okay, okay, give me a second.” She said as she maneuvered the tiny device to the said area with a small pin that helped keep everything in the arc reactor together. “But if you die, Tony, it’ll be your funeral. Literally.” She comments back to try and defuse the tension she felt. He quietly gave her another reassurance before giving the signal. With the small metal pinchers, Y/N pulled the cord in the arc reactor and through the other camera through Tony’s glasses she saw past Tony fall to the floor just as Pierce was taking the case containing the Tesseract from his hands.

The metal case fell to the floor with a hard clank and 2012 Tony followed soon after it, shaking slightly on the floor. Pierce and his crew members, as well as the other Avengers there, kneeled down beside him and tried to figure out what was wrong.

The small metallic robot climbed out from Tony’s reactor and pushed the case over to Tony, who was disguised as a staff of security. He discreetly picked it up and began walking away from the scene as medics began rushing to help the famous billionaire on the floor. What they didn’t know was that they weren’t as discreet as they thought.

“Good job, kid. Meet me in the alley, I’m gonna-” but was cut off as a big green angry hulk burst through the door, knocking down Tony and flinging the tesseract out of its case and down the hallway. The bright blue square landed right at the feet of Loki, who looked down and quickly picked it up, using its powers to teleport him out of the tower as people were too distracted running in terror.

Thor tapped his hammer against Tony’s chest, causing him to stop shaking and blink frantically, looking at his surroundings. “Where’s the case?” Y/N heard him ask. Her face dropped as she moved to drone to look all around the room, finding no clue where the Tesseract or Loki himself was.

“Fuck this,” she mumbled, working her computers to try and get into the security tapes, looking for what might’ve happened to either of them. “That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?"

Tony sat himself up on his elbows looking around to see people screaming and running away from the Hulk, who was screaming about no stairs, and to his other side, officers looking for Loki and the Tesseract. “Shit.”

Y/N quickly packed up her computers and put them back into her bag, running out to meet Tony at the alleyway where they had come in. She found an abandoned car parked beside it and saw Tony already sitting in its head in his hand as he observed the destruction outside.

“What the hell happened, Stark?” She said as she got into the back seat. “We had the Tesseract, where did it go?” Tony sighed, closing his eyes as he responded, trying to keep calm.

“I don’t know what happened, Y/N,” he said tensely. “I know we had it but now we don’t, okay? Something happened, I don’t know what.”

“Well, you better fucking figure it out!” She yelled, her ears going red as she got more angry by him not seeming to care. “Did you not hear what Cap said? No do-overs! We fucked up so what are we gonna do now!”

“I don’t know what we’re gonna do!” He screamed back turning to face her. He sighed, running a hand down his face and closed his eyes. He stayed silent for a bit, using the silence to calm himself down. He knew she was only acting like this because she was scared. And honestly, he was too. “But we’ll figure something out. I promise. Everything will be okay.”

Y/N gulped to hold back her screaming, not wanting to rant to him about every little thing that had already gone wrong, and how she was starting to lose hope. Then Cap jumped down from a balcony, one hand propping up the shield while the other gripped Loki’s staff.

“Cap,” Tony caught his attention. Steve saw them in the dirt-covered car as he walked towards them. “We’ve got a bit of a problem here.” Y/N scoffed, shaking her head as she let her stress get the better of her again.

“A bit of a problem?” She asked sarcastically. “More like we’re in deep shit!” She said getting out of the car and slamming the door shut with surprising force. Tony rolled his eyes. Steve looked between the two, his eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.

“What happened?” he asked, looking at Y/N. She laughed ironically, starting to pace along the alleyway.

“We lost the goddamn Tesseract is what happened!” She said as she aggressively kicked a piece of debris on the ground. “It’s gone and now the plan isn’t gonna work. We don’t have enough Pym particles to go back again. It’s over, we’re done.” She leaned down and sat against the wall, leaning her head back.

“Are there any other options with the Tesseract,” Steve asked, causing Y/N to roll her eyes at his always enthusiastic goody-two-shoes energy.

“No. No there’s not,” she said annoyed as she stood up and walking over to him. “You said it yourself, there are no do-overs. If we use that last Pym particle, we’re never getting home.”

“Well, if we don’t try, no one else is going home either,” he stated. Y/N sighed, squeezing her eyes shut as she leaned against the car. She knew he was right. But what was the use of going back again to get the stone if they couldn’t get back in the present to put it in the gauntlet?

“I got it,” Tony said suddenly, getting out of the car. Y/N’s head shot up as she stood up and followed him as he got out of the car himself. “There’s another way to get the Tesseract and acquire new particles. We’ll take a stroll down memory lane. Military installation Garden State.”

“Why were they both there?” Steve asked, causing Y/N to look between the two as they continued their conversation. Tony shrugged.

“They were both there for a…” he trailed off as he thought. “I have a vaguely exact idea,” he defended himself. Cap gave him a look, the same one he gave Y/N when he caught her doing something she shouldn’t have around the compound or when she sasses one of the other team members a bit too much.

“How vague,” he asked.

“Woah, okay, what’s going on?” Y/ finally butted in. “What are you guys talking about? Where are we going?”  She asked eagerly as they started entering in the time date and coordinates.

“Correction, we’re going. You’re travelling back to the present to give this to the others,” Tony said as he handed her Loki’s staff. Her eyes bulged out as she stood up straighter.

“Tony, I can help. I’m not letting you guys go alone, I’m coming with you,” she stated strongly as she put her suit up. Tony shook his head.

"I trust you with this, kid, okay? get back to home base, we’ll be there by the time you get back.” He said as he and Steve put up their own suits. He took her hand and entered in the present-day coordinates to get back home as she looked at him like he was crazy, which she currently felt he was.

“What?! But Tony-!” She started, but before Y/N could argue, she felt the ground sweep from under her feet and she was being sent back to the present day, Loki’s staff still held tightly in her hand.

As she regained her balance, she looked around the room, seeing that everyone had their respective stone’s, including Tony with the Tesseract. But something seemed off. She did another swift headcount of everyone and realized someone had to be missing.

“Where’s Nat?” She asked, looking around at everyone’s confused faces before looking at Clint, whose eyes were red and glassy. She watched as he looked up at her, shaking his head slightly as a fresh tear rolled down his face. Y/N felt her chest tighten as her mouth opened slightly, letting out a shuttering breath. She knew that face, she wore the same expression five years ago.

She felt tears well up into her eyes, not even thinking of losing a mentor, someone she considered family during the process of getting those who were snapped away back. She felt tears starting to form in her own eyes as regret and sadness took over the whole team.

~~~

The team had taken a quick break to take a moment to mourn their friend, to some even their family. It was odd to not have Natasha around, making small sarcastic quips at any person in the room when you’d least expect it. Y/N quickly splashed her face with water, making the tears on her face earlier vanish as she went back into the room where Tony had just completed the infinity gauntlet 2.0 and everyone was arguing over who should snap their fingers.

“What do you think is coursing through my veins right now?” She heard as she exited the ladies bathroom just beside the room. She leaned against the doorframe as she answered.

“Cheez Whiz?” she asked sarcastically as she came up to stand in between the god and Tony. Thor looked down, confusion on his face as he pointed at her and she, in return, gave him a sly smile.

“Lightning,” he emphasized. Y/N sucked in a breath and averted her gaze as he looked expectantly at Tony, who let out a sigh as he pinched his eyebrows together in concentration.

“Lightning won’t help you, pal. It’s gotta be me,” she heard Bruce say from behind her as he walked to the group. She listened intently as he continued. “You saw what those stones did to Thanos; it almost killed him. None of you would survive.”

“Well, how will we know if you will?” Cap said seriously. Y/N looked at Tony, who looked down at her and gave her a knowing glance, that showed he knew it was true. Y/N nodded slightly as Bruce continued.

“We don’t. But the radiation is mostly gamma. It’s… it’s like I was made for this.” The team looked around before Tony stepped out and started explaining the rules of the stones.

“Remember, everyone Thanos snapped away five years ago, we’re just bringing them back to now. Don’t change anything from the past five years,” he said and Bruce nodded, looking at his arm which he prepared to hold the gauntlet in.

The team around him suited up. Y/N felt the cool nanotech of her newly modelled suit slide over her skin, occasionally catching a thin hair. The spiderman-inspired outfit was of the colours white, black, and magenta, with fine reflective webbing details along the side of her arms, legs and torso. She stood behind Tony as he created a protective shield in front of them and Clint on the other side of him.

Metallic barn doors shut around all doors and windows in the room and around the compound. Bruce put on the glove holding the infinity stones and immediately began to scream in pain, doubling down to the ground as he struggled to push his fingers together to snap.

“Take it off! Take it off!” Thor said as he stepped towards Banner, who was still struggling to stay upright. Steve held out his hand to Thor as a sign to stop.

“No, wait! Bruce, are you okay?” Steve asked as he looked at the green giant. Bruce continued to moan but nodded slightly. Y/N stood back further as she heard Banner scream loudly and saw his fingers coming closer together and finally the sound of the metal hitting metal in the snap.

There was a surge of power that almost knocked her over, stumbling to catch her balance. She heard a loud thump as Bruce’s body finally collided with the floor, unconscious. Many people ran towards him to help but Y/N just looked around. She felt her feet carry her to the window as they opened again, seeing birds chirping happily outside.

“D-did it work?” Y/N mumbled as the mask of her suit disappeared from around her face. Everyone turned to look at where she was, seeing multiple new birds coming into sight, planting themselves on a nearby sapling. A phone started to ring, and Clint walked over to his cell vibrating on the glass table, a picture of his beloved wife displayed on the screen. He picked it up and started talking to her.

Tony walked over to Y/N, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, bringing her attention over to him. He wore a giant smile and even looked like he was in tears. He squeezed her shoulder as she let out a gasp, hand covering her mouth as the biggest smile spread across her soft features. She laughed softly, in disbelief but so happy. Tony matched her actions and pulled her into the biggest hug, and she felt comfortable as she placed her head on his chest.

“We did it, kid,” he mumbled into her messy hair, feeling her locks dampen with his tears. “We finally did it. They’re back.” Y/N laughed again into his suit as she pulled him closer and hugged him tighter, closing her eyes as she felt true relief finally wash over her entire being. But of course, that wouldn’t last for long.

Next thing she knew she was being flung across the compound while a missile hit just outside the window. She felt herself fly through multiple layers of brick and glass, piercing her skin and knocking the breath from her lungs. She coughed heavily as the dust from the rubble entered her system, trying to balance herself enough to stand up and analyze the situation.

“Tony?!” She screamed, looking for the older man that she was just in contact with. “Tony?! Cap?! Thor?!” She screamed any name that came to mind, hoping for someone to hear her, and possibly give her an explanation. She was limping, pain shooting through her ankle whenever she out the slightest pressure on it. It was definitely broken. She felt the metallic taste of blood entering her mouth, and she was scared to say she didn’t know where it came from, her now bleeding nose or the small cuts that littered her cheeks and lips.

“Y/N?” She heard a voice say and sighed with relief. From the dust came Clint, holding something in his arms, the Infinity Gauntlet. “Hey, I got you, you’re okay,” He reassures her as he puts an arm across her back and under her arms, supporting her weight so she can walk. “Tony, I’m with the kid, she seems okay.”

“Is he okay?” she asked quietly when Clint found a safe spot. He looked at her and nodded.

“yeah he’s fine, but almost had a heart attack when he couldn’t find you,” he says, offering her a smile before his face went stoic again. “But he’s here. Thanos. He found us.” Y/N’s eyes went wide, her eyebrows furrowing into a line of confusion. She blinked a couple of times as she processed the new information.

“What? But– but Thanos i-is dead? He’s dead! You said he was dead!” She screams as she feels her heart rate quicken, her breath refusing to meet her lips as if it was stuck inside her throat. Clint reached down and held her hand, rubbing his thumb against the back of her hands as a calming method he has seen Tony use on her before.

“I know, I thought he was gone too,” he whispered, looking back at the dark tunnel before turning back to her. “But this is a different Thanos, he followed us from the past.” Y/N felt her throat close up, dark thoughts filling her mind. Fuck. This was all her fault.

There was a sound that came from down the tunnel, almost like a snarl. The pair went quiet, looking towards the source. Clint slowly took out an arrow from the collection he kept on his back, placing it in his bow and shooting it straight down the line, the end glowing up– revealing about ten or twelve alien-looking dogs. Y/N let out a breath as the two scurried to get up. Clint held up her weight as they ran, eventually settling to pick her up as he ran from the dogs.

As they came to a split in the road, Clint threw her to a different path, signalling for her to run and hide as he continued to run down the other path, provoking the dogs to follow him and leave her. Y/N limped down the path, using the wall to support her as she hopped along. Soon she came across a mop of messy hair frantically looking around the rubble.

“Tony,” she tried to say but found that her voice was scratchy and weak. “Tony, I’m right here.” The said man turned around the stress on his face leaving as he saw the girl he was looking for. He quickly wrapped an arm around as Clint had earlier and walked her away from the scene.

“God, hey kid. You hanging in there?” He said, checking the area before leading her to a small space of coverage under a piece of rubble that looked like it used to be the floor. She nodded in reassurance before grabbing his arm and pulling him back up.

“I need you to take me to our lab, now,” she said urgently and he obliged, not even thinking of asking why. He directed her to a small metal door attached to a broken piece of wall, typing in a code on the damaged keyboard before pushing the heavy doors open.

She rushed over to her part of the lab, the barely working glass screen table popping up and she quickly punched in a few passwords before looking in a locked drawer for one of the small viles kept safely there. Tony looked from her face to the small tube, confusion painting his face as he watched her pop the lid, hesitating before bringing it to her lips and gulping down the small amount of dark red liquid.

Y/N felt the iron tasting liquid slid down her throat as she swallowed it uncomfortably, immediately feeling the effects. Her eyesight went black and her head started to spin. She went to grab the nearest object her hold herself up, the dizziness and broken ankle not being the best combination. Tony rushed to her side, grabbing her other arm.

“Y/N, what the hell was that,” Tony said, concern laced his voice as he watched the girl groan, squeezing her eyes shut and throwing her head back. She gulped before answering in short breaths.

“That answer may vary between poison and what I like to call a spider-serum,” she replied, sarcasm still in use through her pain. Tony looked at her with bewilderment in his eyes, as this was not a project approved by him or not even one they’ve talked about. She gritted her teeth together, continuing to moan out in pain as she collapsed to the floor, Tony calling out her name.

As Y/N got her self together, she placed both hands on the desk in front of her nailed into the floor, using it to pull herself back on her feet. She felt everything in her body changing, she could hear the blood rushing through her veins, she could smell the smoke from across the battlefield outside the reinforced metal door, she could feel the small hairs on Tony’s arms tickling her own as he tried to shake her out of her trance.

“Y/N! Kid come on, snap out of it. What the hell was that?” He said as he continued to shake her. She was going to bring a hand up to slap his own away but instead found them stuck to the table. As she tried tugging again, the steal table breaking off the floor while still sticking to her hands. Y/N and Tony looked in shock.

Y/N then began to laugh, her eyes wide in disbelief. She widened her hands and the desk fell from her palms, crashing against the floor. “Holy shit,” she whispered as she looked at Tony, who was looking from the now broken table to her. “It worked! Oh god, I can’t believe it actually worked!” She screamed as she jumped up and down and headed towards the door.

“No no no, what the hell was that?!” Tony asked. Y/N rolled her eyes, still smiling as she impatiently grabbing his arm and dragged him outside towards the fight. She smiled at him, a great look of success overgoing her as she showed him the potion she had been perfecting for the last couple of years.

“Well, I took a blood sample of Peter’s and checked it to see what kind of stuff the spider had injected into him,” she said as Tony gave her a weird look. “Don’t ask how I got it, I don’t really know either. But as I analyzed it further, I had an idea to take the sample and separate the effects of the injection, and used it to create a serum that would give me powers similar to Peter’s, using the poison of his spider to create powers of my own.”

Tony looked at her mesmerized, then looked at the stash of dark red vials in the drawer. He lifted his eyebrows and nodded, impressed beyond words of the young girl’s discovery. Then he paused and looked back at her. “Wait, so you technically drank spiderboy’s blood?” He asked suspiciously. Y/N opened her mouth to respond but didn’t quite know how.

“I-” she paused, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Okay, no, we don’t have time for this conversation right now. There’s a giant purple grape out that waiting to be slain.” Tony nodded and soon the two headed out the door without any further questions, saluting each other before Y/N darted off at an irregularly fast tempo.

She felt the wind blow rapidly against her hair as she ran through the bad guys, dodging hits with swiftness. Of course, she wasn’t fast like Pietro but definitely was faster than she usually was, which proved to be a great advantage while on the battlefield. Y/N saw Tony, Thor and Steve fighting against Thanos in the background as she thwiped out a web and flew into the air, grabbing one of the Chiari and slamming it into another group coming towards her.

She continued to fight when suddenly she felt a tingly sense that made her head shoot towards Steve, watching as he stood up by himself, his shield broken in his hand, as he prepared to single-handedly fight the titan. Y/N ran towards him when she heard a voice in her comm, that definitely wasn’t from anyone on their battlefield.

“On your left…”

She seemed to distantly recognize the voice but couldn’t quite place it. That is until a portal appeared beside Steve, made of orange sparks that she had remembered. There, the king of Wakanda, T'Challa, his younger sister, Shuri she thought her name was, and another girl who was dressed in a warriors uniform and a shaved head, holding a golden spear stood beside the king.

After that, portal after portal began to form around the atmosphere, with more battleships, superheroes and warriors of all kinds of countries and galaxies appearing through them and getting into their battle positions. Y/N smiled proudly before running up to the giant team and taking her place next to the Wakandian princess, lunging down into the iconic spidey stance and getting ready to avenge the rest of the universe. She looked at Steve as he watched everyone take their places among him.

“Avengers…” he starts as he holds out his hand and Mjolner flies into his grip. “Assemble!”

Battle cries and the sound of machines whirring and flying filled the atmosphere as they ran towards the alien army opposite of them. Y/N flicked out her wrist and grabbed onto one of the giants floating motherships and swung low to the ground, knocking out multiple enemies at once. Once she landed on the ground she continued to fist fight them off of her one by one, like Natasha had taught her for so many years.

But as good as she was doing at the moment, it wasn’t hard for her to get overpowered when a bunch jumped on her back at once, knocking her down to the floor, struggling to keep them from ripping out her skin. She tried to push them off, and successfully webbed some to the ground to keep them off of her, but it wasn’t enough to handle them all.

“Hey, watch out!” A boyish voice sounded through her comms as all the aliens were kicked right off of her, giving her a chance to stand up and fight off the rest, her rescuer standing behind her, back to back, as they both slung down the dogs and threw them across the battlefield. Y/N stabbed some with her pincer things Tony put on her back.

Once they were gone, Y/N grabbed the boy behind her and pulled him into a quieter place as she unmasked herself, looking expectantly at the boy. “Peter?” She said, her voice breaking as she looked at the Iron Spider suit, which disappeared from his face, revealing his unruly curls and a just as shocked look on his face.

“Y/N?” He whispered, disbelief in his eyes as she saw a single tear escape his brown orbs and gently slide down his cheek. He looked the same, but at the same time looked more mature, and she was relieved that he had seemed to grow while he was gone, or else the near future situation would be a bit awkward. “W-what are you doing here?” Y/N giggled a bit, feeling her own hot tears sliding down her dirt and blood covered cheek as her delicate hand went up to grab his own, wiping his tears.

“I came to save you, dummy,” she joked. Peter smiled at her, placing his hands on her waist. Although it wasn’t as long for Peter in the soul stone as it was for Y/N while on Earth since he was in a coma-like state pretty much the whole time, he had missed her honey-coated voice and sickly sweet smile. He had waited too long for this.

They watched each other for a little longer, analyzing the small details that had changed around their faces since the years passed before Peter leaned down and attached their lips together for a very long-awaited kiss. Y/N squeezed her eyes shut as her hands trailed back to rest on the back of his neck, playing with the small hairs at the nape of his neck as she felt the cold metal of his suit brush against her fingertips.

As they parted, he leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers, her sweat mixing with his as they kept their eyes closed and smiled at the feeling. Even though they were in the middle of a war, Y/N has never felt more at peace than that moment while she was in his arms.

Suddenly she felt the fine hairs on the back of her arm and the back of her neck stand up, and without thinking she extended her arms and traps the alien running towards them in one of her webs, throwing it up before pulling it back down to the ground, crushing it.

Apparently, Peter felt it too because when she looked back to him he was already looking back at the now-dead dog. His head turned back towards her, his mouth hanging open a bit as he let out a breath, a beautiful smile painting his lips as he grabbed her face, looking her in the eye.

‘God, I love you so much,“ he mumbles as he brings her mouth up to his again, this kiss a bit more passionate than the last. Y/N laughed into the kiss as she brought her arms around his neck and played with his hair. She pulled him back a bit, their noses still brushing against one another as she pecked him on the lips.

"I love you too,” she whispered, looking into his eyes with such adoration he almost exploded right there with the adrenaline he was feeling just having her this close to him. He smiled wider as he pecked her on the lips; once, twice, and a third time brought her into a proper kiss.

“Y'know as heartwarming as this moment is, you lovebirds realize we’re still fighting a war,” someone said from behind them. They quickly pulled away, stepping back from one another to face Tony Stark, a smirk on his lips as he examined the blush on the young adult’s faces, bashfully looking away from one another.

“Oh shut it, Tony. I deserve this at least,” she shook her head as she looked at the perfect boy beside her, someone she had known pretty much her whole life and had been in love with for just as long. Peter smiled at Tony and walked over to greet him, excited to see his mentor again after so long.

“Mr. Stark! Holy cow you will not believe what has happened to me,” Peter began to ramble as he walked up to him and started to do his usual over-exaggerated hand gestures. “Do you remember when we were in space? Right? And I got all dusty? Well I must have passed out and Dr. Strange said we went to the Soul Stone and we were in like a coma for like five years, and when I woke up, Dr. Strange was there too and he was like 'it’s been five years we have to go’, and then he started doing that yellow sparkly thingy, uh, that he does and… what are you doing? …oh.” Peter stopped when Tony wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Tony felt such a great sense of relief as he hugged Peter, never realizing that the kid was like his first son until it was too late and having to wait so many years to hear his voice again. He placed a kiss on his cheek, in a fatherly way, and opened his eyes, smiling at Y/N who looked so happy.

“This is nice,” Peter said before they pulled away, Peter turned back at Y/N and smiled at her, his grin reaching his sparkling eyes. Tony patted his shoulder.

“I think it’s time we get back into battle,” he stated, his mask going back over his face as he got his repulsors ready. “You two don’t take too long, and NO funny business.” The pair nodded as he flew back into the air, going to help Banner or the Hulk. Peter turned back to Y/N.

“Wow, this is so awesome,” he said as he walked back to her, holding her arms as he admired her suit, which looked similar to his. “You’re like, my spider-girl sidekick.” Y/N laughed and pushed his chest playfully.

“I’m nobody’s sidekick, Parker,” she said. “But I can be your… partner?” Peter smiled and blushed. He bit his lip as he looked her over again, his grin contagious.

“In what way?” He asked, trying to sound sly but sounding more scared of the answer. Y/N laughed and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“In whatever way you want me to be,” she said, kissing his cheek before putting her mask back on and saluting him before swinging of back into battle. Peter stood there with a red blush crawling up his neck and feeling breathless, his smile growing wider if that was even possible.

“Awesome,” he muttered before his mask also went over his face and he went to go help as well.

Y/N was swinging over the battle, occasionally knocking out an airborne enemy in her way if she had to. She scanned through the people fighting, looking for anyone who needed help. But then her web was seemed to be disintegrated as she fell hard onto the floor, another lazer like beam hit right beside her just barely grazing her shoulder. She saw the witch people? (that’s what Tony called them at least) started to make barriers which she quickly ran under. She looked around for Tony and Peter, but couldn’t see them. Until she heard the latter’s voice through her comm.

“Help! Somebody help!” He said, sounding panicked and she heard his grunts as he tried to fight off the aliens. Without thinking of the possible dangers she ran out to help him, her spider-senses helping her locate him. She saw him under a bunch of the aliens and shot a web up.

“Peter, duck!” She said as she rammed through the enemies, knocking them over like bowling pins. She grabbed Peter around the waist and tugged him into her as she shot a web and took them out, grabbing onto Mjloner which had flown right above.

“Aw, thanks, Y/N,” Peter said as he put his head into her neck, which she couldn’t help but blush at. She thought it was cute how their roles were sort of reversed and he was just so baby.

Y/N continued to ride onto the hammer until she saw that it was heading straight towards one of the flying motherships. Her eyes went wide as she looked for a way to get off. She saw Valkerye, one of Thor’s friends, and called out for her as a warning before throwing Peter up so he could get the gauntlet back to Scott.

Y/N then stood on the small handle of the hammer before using her web to fling herself forward, jumping up to get on top of the ship as the hammer continued to destroy it from the inside. As she jumped off and landed surprisingly gracefully on the ground, she looked up to realize that the ships were no longer firing at them, but at something in the atmosphere above.

Y/N squinted before watching a figure move at lightning speed straight through one of the ships firing at them, exploding the whole thing. Y/N smiled, knowing who it was as she ran down to help Peter up, who had just almost been hit by one of the beams.

“Hey, you alright?” She asked softly as she grabbed his arm and helped him get up, him going to get the gauntlet which had escaped his grip after falling. He nodded, his mask going back as hers did.

“Yeah, yeah, all good,” he reassured as he held onto her shoulder for support. “That was so badass, by the way. When I was like, stuck, you know, under those aliens. And then you came and was like wham! and like kicked them off and then you just sorta like picked me up and then you just like threw me onto that flying horse, which is crazy. But you like saved me and that was so cool. Like really cool. Thanks.” Peter rambled as he looked at her in awe, which she gave a sweet smile in return.

Before he could comment any more someone landed right in front of them. Captain Marvel smiled and nodded at Y/N, as she returned the gesture, and looked at Peter, who was still holding tightly onto the infinity stones. Peter looked at her with wide eyes and in awe.

“Hi I-I’m Peter.. Parker,” he said shyly. Captain Marvel smiled at him, looking between the two teenagers.

“I know,” she said as she gave Y/N a knowing glance. “Hey, Peter Parker. You got something for me?” Peter looked at the gauntlet before looking out at the army that was racing towards them, feeling scared at the moment.

“I don’t know how you’re gonna get through that,” he said as he delicately handed the glove to Carol as the other female Avengers and superheroes gathered together around her. Y/N felt immediately at home and looked over at Peter reassuringly as Wanda landed by her side.

“Don’t worry,” Y/N said with a smile as her mask got on and Okoye, T’Challa’s head of king’s guard, finished her sentence for her.

“She’s got help,” she said, and the group of them began to run like hell towards the growing army, all doing their own thing to slam through and take down the enemy. Y/N webbed them down as they tried to attack her sisters and knocked them over as she swung by. She saw one of the bigger monsters making its way towards her, and effortlessly picked it up and threw it into the rest of the aliens making their way towards her at a fast rate.

As she continued to fight off the enemy, she felt a strong surge of energy pass through her, making her stumble slightly. As she regained her balance, she watched as the aliens that were once running straight for her turned into dust, disappearing into the wind. She squinted her eyebrows, looking around for who had snapped before she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, warning her that something was wrong.

She followed her senses to find Tony sitting against a piece of debris, extremely pale and barely moving, his arm and part of his face burnt off. She felt her breathing stop as she stumbled towards him, muttering his name as she collapsed in front of him in front of all the other Avengers.

“T-Tony? Tony! No!” She said as fell in front of him, going to grab his hand with both of hers. She hadn’t felt this type of heartbreak since 2018 when she had lost Peter, her mom, and the rest of her friends. But this time she was losing her father.

“Hey, kid,” he said so quietly she wouldn’t have heard him, but she was practically hugging him by now, clinging onto him as a silent way of asking not to leave her. As she heard his voice, an ugly sob ripped through her as she buried her head in his chest as a form of comfort.

“Tony, please not you too,” she asked quietly, squeezing his hand so tight that the metal surrounding it had started to cut into her palms, but she could care less. “Not you too, please. We need you, Tony. I need you, and Morgan, please.” She couldn’t even finish before breaking down.

“Mr. Stark? Can you hear me? It’s Peter.” Peter asked from behind her, shocked to see Y/N holding onto him and crying into him. Tony weakly looked up and brought his attention to the original web-slinging spider.  “We won, Mr. Stark. You did it. You did it, sir.”

At the mention of his name, Y/N finally looked up towards Peter, and he felt his heart shatter looking at her already bloodshot red eyes and the tear tracks that were a bright contrast against the rest of her face, which was covered in dust and blood. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her, gently pulling her off and into his own arms.

“No, No! Let go, please! I need to help him. Please. No.” Her voice got quieter as Peter held her closely, her back pressed against his chest as they both watched him. Tony looked between the pair, and although it hurt him to see the tears in their eyes, he was happy that they would be able to work through it together. He looked up at Peter and nodded his chin towards Y/N.

“Take… take care of… of her,” he whispered, causing a sob to come over Peter as well as he nodded vigorously, holding her tighter against him if that was even possible at this point.

“Of course, yes always,” he said as he felt salty tears run down at a rapid pace. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tony.” Tony tried to give him a smile, tried to give him a sign that everything would be okay, but found that he couldn’t.

Then Tony looked at Y/N. He remembered the last time she was like this, and it hurt him that he had to cause her the same pain. But he cared for her and knew that this was what had to happen to keep both of his daughters safe. “I love you.”

Y/N’s head fell as she heard the three simple words come from his mouth, leaning into Peter as she tries to control herself, trying to look strong in front of him, knowing who worried he must be already. “I love you, too, dad.” She whispered and nodded, reaching out to squeeze his hand one more time before Pepper came to his side. Peter carefully pulled Y/N back, her collapsing into his lap and crying into his shoulder as he rubbed her back tried to keep in his own tears to be strong for her but ended up letting go and crying into her soft hair.

“Friday?” Pepper asked, her hand on Tony’s chest as Tony’s hand was placed gently on top of hers.

“Life functions critical,” the AI responded. Y/N felt like she was gonna be sick. She couldn’t think she could breathe, how do you even breathe again? Because she couldn’t quite remember at the moment. She listened to Peter’s heartbeat and used his rising and falling chest as a model.

“Tony? Look at me,” Pepper managed a smile at Tony as he groaned while turning to look towards her. “You’re gonna be okay, you can rest now,” she said as she put a hand on his cheek, gently caressing it before placing a soft kiss to it. And after that, the light on his chest went dim, and it took everything in Y/N not to scream like the day she found out Peter wasn’t coming home for dinner that night.

She felt Peter shaking around her, choking on sobs. She knew he would try and act as a support base for her, and he always liked to put others before himself. But she just held onto him, her hands going up to his messy hair and carting her fingers through the strands as a silent way to tell him that she was there for him too.

The Avengers and other heroes and warriors who had teamed up together to fight kneeled down, showing their respect to another beautiful life taken. The chaos in the warzone had gone quiet, a moment of silence taken in honour of Tony Stark.

And just like that, he was gone, just another figure of history in the textbooks. But to others he was a friend, he was a teammate, he was an idol, he was family. And God knows that he wouldn’t be forgotten for what he was, a hero.

~~~

The funeral occurred a couple of weeks later, only close friends and family were invited at the small gathering at the lake house where he lived with his family. It was odd, walking into the house and feeling so much dread in a place she considered a getaway just days before, a place that brought her such a feeling of happiness and relief.

She sat quietly in a soft chair in the corner, trying to process everything that was happening and everything that would come with it afterwards.  She had just finished watching Tony’s video to his family, which Pepper insisted included her, and felt heartbroken at the thought that it would truly be the last time she saw him, ever again.

“Hey,” his soft voice said as Peter crouched down next to her, a hand on her knee as he gently squeezed. His eyes were red and puffy, just as hers were, and he wore a black and white suit that looked nice on him, though it seemed an inappropriate time to comment on it. “They’re starting the service soon, um, by the lake. I think we should go.” Y/N nodded, standing up from her chair and taking his hand in her own, finding comfort in his warm and soft grip.

The two walked out to the deck, one that she had so many memories on with the rest of the Stark family. Peter brought her to stand beside him and his aunt May, who smiled at Y/N and squeezed her hand. Y/N smiled back, but it came out as more of a grimace. They stood just behind Happy, Pepper and Morgan, as Pepper leaned down and set the wreath onto the lake, in the middle it had Tony’s original arc reactor from 2008, with words engraved into it.

‘Proof Tony Stark has a heart’

She found humour in the words but also wondered why anyone had ever thought otherwise. Sure he was a bit egotistical and petty sometimes, and often took to bragging when it came to being one of the smartest people on earth. But if you had known him like I had, she thought to herself, you’d know that he was one of the most caring people ever.

She watched as it floated away down through the calm river, eventually turning into a speck in the distant, covered by trees and the glistening light reflected off the water. Y/N gulped harshly as she tried to keep her tears in, not trying to break the strong personality she had set in stone for the past five years, but nonetheless couldn’t help a few of them slip from her eyes.

When the funeral had ended Y/N went to greet the others that had attended, wearing her best fake smile as people commented on how sorry they were for her loss and she did the same for them. She had gotten many embraces from people she did and didn’t know, and shared small laughs and memories with them.

After Y/N got tired of talking to everyone she tapped Peter, who had stayed by her side through the whole day, and told him she was going to get a drink of water. Peter had insisted on coming and held her hand as they walked away from the crowd and to the cute lakeside cottage, Y/N had considered home for so many years. On the small bench beside the door sat Happy with little Morgan in his lap, who sprung off and ran towards the girl with a bright smile on her face.

“Y/N! Y/N!” Morgan chanted happily as she ran closer, arms stretched out. Y/N smiled genuinely at the young girl and crouched down, picked her up as she ran into her chest and resting her on her hip. She brushed her nose against her soft cheek and placed a kiss upon it.

“Hi, baby,” Y/N said as she bounced Morgan. Peter looked at Morgan with a grin as well, since it was honestly astounding how similar she was to her father. Morgan giggled and played with Y/N’s hair as they had a small conversation and Peter could only watch on in awe. Then Y/N turned Morgan to face Peter. “You remember who this is, don’t you? It’s uncle Peter!” Y/N said, looking at Morgan and then smiling up at Peter, who felt like he was about to cry again just hearing those words.

“Spidey! Spidey!” Morgan screeched happily as she leaned over and made grabbing hands towards Peter, asking him to pick her up. Peter smiled widely before taking her from Y/N’s grip and holding her on his own hip now.

“Hey there, nice to finally meet you,” he said as he rocked slightly and Morgan placed her head on his shoulder, wrapping her small arms around his neck. Peter felt like he might explode from cuteness overload.

“Yeah. Daddy and Y/N says that-that you is the bestest,” she says as she played with the collar of Peter’s shirt. “You’re my favourite superhero! But after daddy.” She says as she smiled up at him. Peter raises his eyebrows and nods, letting out a laugh as he continued to talk with her. Soon the girl was falling asleep on Peter’s shoulder and the two walked inside to put her down for a nap.

Peter gently placed her down on her bed as he put a few stuffed animals by her side and covered her with the pink, fluffy blanket at the end of the bed. He kissed her forehead as Y/N went to place another on her cheek.

“Love you 3000,” she mumbled in her half-asleep state, and Y/N smiled, feeling tears brimming in her eyes as she replied.

“Love you infinity,” she says as she kissed her head. Morgan smiled in her sleepy state as the two stood up and exited the room, closing the door as quietly as they could to not stir her. Peter pulled Y/N into a hug, rocking them from side to side as he felt her tears start to make his shirt wet, but he didn’t seem to care. He kissed her temple and gently grabbed her chin, guiding her to look up at him as he smiled down at her.

“You know, I love you infinity,” he mumbled as he leaned down to brush against her lips. She laughed, his presence making her feel so much better since he really was her saviour. She shook her head, scoffing.

“You’re such a dork, Parker,” she said as she looked up at him, smiling for what felt like the first time in forever. She didn’t know how he had that effect on her, but then again she wasn’t complaining. God knows she needs a bit of relief. “I love you infinity too,” she replied after leaving him hanging for a while, and she stood up on her toes to press her lips to his, the kiss soft and short but still full of emotion.

As they broke apart, he pressed another kiss on her forehead and pulled her into his embrace. “You know what would make you feel better?” He said into her ear, which she replied with a ‘hm?’, asking for him to continue. “If we went home and binge-watched that Shane Dawson conspiracy theory video you told me about the other day.” Y/N scrunched up her eyebrows and looked up at him, a soft laugh passing her lips.

“Right now? Are you serious?” she said, shaking her head as she jokingly pushed his chest. He also chuckled a bit.

“What?” He asked, taking her hand and backing down the hallway. “C’mon, Y/N, you know how long I’ve waited for this video! You can’t just tease me with it!” Y/N raised her eyebrow as she watched Peter bounce a bit, begging her with his adorable brown puppy eyes to come with him.

“Well, you know what? There’s actually two, and they’re an hour and a half each” she whispered, causing Peter to groan and throw his head back. As he looked back up he was smirking, his tongue swiping over his teeth as he looked at her.

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he whispered as he tugged on her hand and pulled her away, Y/N following a giggling mess as he brought her to Aunt May’s car and drove them back home, both excitedly discussing different videos and movies and other events that Peter had missed while he was gone.

Even though it meant sacrificing a lot, and even though she was still devastated about Tony and Nat’s death, Y/N felt as if everything would be okay as she lied on Peter’s chest, his strong arms wrapped securely around her as they watched the movie long conspiracy videos together. They exchanged small kisses and soft words, and even feeding popcorn to each other cause they were that grossly sweet kind of couple. And Y/N had finally found her hope.

~~~

TAGS:

Permanent: @phonegalhelp @caswinchester2000

Peter Parker: @britishspidey @deansdeliciouspies @triviaisbop

    Hope: @dee-writes-fics​ @xsweetnsour @underooling @studyxuxi@ibookishqueen @sunflowercth @bucky-to-my-barnes @green-lxght@softrdj @multifacetedfandom @obsessedwithrogertaylor @shayke-and-bake @bellero @spookyanairwin @lizlil @eridanuswave@reinyrei @wishing-wanting​ @dragqueenseverywhere  @creativedogs​ @officialmarvelwhore​ @bolivianchickennugget​ @jarvis-play-despacito @pvachyy @ksmy-99 @venomavacado @triviaisbop @kidensdouble88 @stark-spiderling @autobotgirl15-blog @madampomfrcy

Let me know if you want to be added to the permanent or the peter parker taglist! Also, message me your thoughts on this chapter and if you’d like to maybe see a short epilogue for what comes after!

[kleptonancydrew]

MID Thoughts

So I’m not one of the people with the thought process for typing out a cohesive review so you’ll be catching my train of thought. Sorry.

One of the big things I have noticed in the reviews is that if you like talking to characters you are much more likely to enjoy the game. Talking to people and cutscenes (with rare exceptions) have always been my least favourite part of Nancy Drew games. So for me the major uptick in dialogue and cutscenes made the game miserable. (And yes you can skip them - but on the first play through you want to know what’s going on.) Also the captions need to be fixed before the next game - let me see the whole thing please. 

I enjoy the historical aspects of the game. I took two courses relating to the history of witchcraft in uni so a lot of this actually took me back to my Witchcraze class. There was a lot to learn but I was disappointed with the museum - it feels like we could have had several more displays. I also don’t love the way they take text from things and then put it into a tiny straight forward display. I know that for some this might help and it should be included but the control for it should be elsewhere - not in the center of the page when I’m trying to turn pages. 

The tour thing should have more clear. The tablet thing took a tick to figure out. As should the offering things to people. In previous games you have to talk to people to exchange objects and I got stuck for a bit. 

Maybe the controls are better if you are playing with a mouse but like many adults I rely on laptops exclusively. The whole right click thing was very difficult. As a somewhat petulant side note - I have a touchscreen laptop and previous games have all been pretty touchscreen friendly for most things. This game was not touch screen friendly at all. Something minor is that why did they get rid of the magnifying glass cursor - would that really have been so hard to integrate? It is fitting and cute. 

I wish a line had been dropped (maybe it was and I missed it) about how just because something is herbal and all natural that does not mean that it is good for YOU. People are all different and herbal remedies can have major side effects based on personal health. They can also screw with any modern medicines you take. Some can also interact poorly when you are using multiple. And if you don’t have the issue that something is treating that can also cause problems. I know most of us here are adults (I’m pretty sure most everyone here who wasn’t when MID was announced certainly is now), but like kids also play this game and I don’t want them getting medical advice from Nancy Drew. 

(Also maybe a line about how yes we don’t burn ‘witches’ anymore but satanism is still bad and magic isn’t real.) 

Alicia’s comments about Jason and him being attractive were really uncomfortable. I’m a teacher and I go through so many protect the young ‘ins things that this was really setting off all my alarm bells. I know he’s supposed to be over eighteen but so are some of my seniors - does not make it okay in my book. 

The plot was fine - good intrigue and was interesting. Some of it was weird but was explained by poisoning. Some parts were very confusing to me. I have no idea how anyone got underground. How could a teenager just leave their cell phone and peace out (well actually I did have to run out of the school the other day to find a kid who forgot their phone at the end of the day). I did like the scare in the bed - that was cool. 

Making the pancakes was fun - I wish you had to switch up the recipes for the special pancakes, that would be more fun in my book. The herbal stuff wasn’t really complicated after you got the first couple done. 

I didn’t really think much of the puzzles. Based on the way I played through (maybe different if I go again) they were all clumped up towards the very end. 

I didn’t love a lot of the personalities in the games. But, I rarely do so whatever. 

I’ve posted before about how the navigation feels like kayaking in DDI - you need to be in exactly the right place to get where you want to go and it takes forever to do so. I found the town center and the museum really difficult to navigate in particular. 

Maybe I’m stupid and never quite understood the laurel in the mirror thing - was that supposed to be some type of Lauren look here? Remember how Josiah Crowley put his will in a safety deposit box at a bank - what ever happened to doing that? Or one of those fireproof lock boxes? Also was there any point to the bedroom at either house? Besides the one weird dream and Teegan’s photo? 

Also I didn’t like how things kept saying the same thing when you accidentally clicked on them - like I know that has been a thing historically but it’s still annoying. 

Also what was with all the papers and stuff on the floor and spread everywhere constantly? I’m a mess and my organization is accomplished by making piles everywhere but even I’m not nearly that bad. 

Also, much like TOT - it’s really obvious who the thief is right away. 

Another thing is that like, did HER even make this game? No. If I wanted a game from another company I’d give them money. I turn to HER because they have previously had a history of turning out two decent if not fabulous games a year. 

I like having more places to explore. I dislike that they take so long to load. Even the game startup takes forever compared to other games. 

The lip syncing is really annoying - it seemed like they had fixed that over a decade ago. Also the text and dialogue didn’t match. I am someone who always has captions on things and having them so off is irritating. 

TBH I didn’t really feel like the Hardy Boys added much to this game. 

Also the whole Carson is friends with the Judge guy reminded me of how I greatly dislike my dad’s so called best friend. Just because a dad is willing to overlook some people’s faults doesn’t mean the daughter is. 

Also, the continued mention of Salem being like some sort of small town where everyone knows everyone is so out of place with our knowledge that this does take place in 2019 (or around this time). Salem has a population of over 40 thousand according to the Google. My hometown is somewhere just under 30 thousand which I considered small town, until I moved to the midwest where it is apparently bigger than most cities. I’m not saying someone cannot be a known entity in a town that size (high school sports in America make plenty of teenagers decently known in towns), I’m saying that there should be enough going on in that town that someone else has caused trouble since. The only reason I remember the name of the kid who got hit walking home from school causing the town to put in a very inconvenient traffic light is because we went to the same uni in a different state and he got kicked out twice. (I crossed that stupid highway everyday with zero issues, probably even on the same day he got hit.) I was gonna say something about modern education systems working on bleeding out such backwards thinking but then I remember that we’re literally graduating nazis so like, nvm. (My personal goal as a teacher is to contribute to eliminating innocent ignorance - kids aren’t born knowing things and the adults in their lives need to work on introducing them in positive ways to avoid the distrust, fear, and hatred that stem from ignorance.) 

Maybe if they fix the navigation and optimize it better for the vast majority of the population who use laptops with trackpads (I don’t have a desk where the hell am I supposed to put a mouse?) it could nice for the next game. But they also need to work on the character animation and other issues. But then like, do we even know there will be a next time? I know Little Jackalope’s positive media minions have said so. But they also said 2016. And October. And any number of other things that might have been said in good faith but ended up not being true.   

I think I just feel meh about everything. This was not the best game ever, and yeah maybe SCK and STFD had some pretty bad graphics too - but it’s twenty years later, I was hoping we’d be moving forward not back. If you want a really positive review look elsewhere. I’m still committed to HER but I realised the other day that very few of my newer friends/coworkers know how obsessed I have always been with HER because I’ve had nothing to talk about. It sorta feels like I’ve lost a part of my personality. 

Also the physical copy cover is real shitty. I feel like that 100% could have been fixed if more attention was payed. You can’t even see the name of the game. 

[f-da-program]

Contains IT Chapter 2 Spoilers

So I just got to see Chapter 2 and I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out, good and bad.

Con 1: Bill’s entire story line: I didn’t really care for Bill’s story line at all. Pretty much the first moment we have with him is him and Audra having a tiff. Unlike the book, you don’t get the sense that they have a strong relationship. The line he gave about being the girl he wants her to be comes to mind. And I kind of figured they were using that to say he wanted her to be more like Beverly, but we don’t even really get that. I’m not a huge Bill/Bev shipper so I’m not super bummed about it, but we never really get anything with that. Bev kisses Bill once and then we never really get anything from Bill’s side again. And it’s just strange because they seemed to hint that was going to be a thing, but it never was. In fact Bill never brings anything up to Bev and she and Ben ride off together into the sunrise. Perfectly fine, but awkward. It would have made more sense to have Bill’s relationship with Audra just seem like a happy one and have Bill push her away (fuck book canon there, there isn’t time to get into the ‘we’re just doing it because we’re going back to childhood’ and if you don’t have time for that or to explore Bills feelings for Bev more, then we don’t have time for Bill to cheat on his wife).

I’m also not into the idea that Bill wasn’t sick the day Georgie died. It’s unneeded. He doesn’t need that to feel guilty. Honestly, why do they have to push the guilt that hard anyway? Can’t he just be sad and angry his little brother was murdered? Why do we need a new guilt arc that was never brought up in the first movie or in the book?

Also, was the scene with the little kid in the fun house necessary? We get it, Bill feels guilty he didn’t save Georgie. And now he can’t save this kid. Oh no. Like, I didn’t need another scene to reinforce that Bill is guilty. It was already apparent. All this did was waste screen time that could have been used for more important scenes.

Pro 1: Ben is amazing I love Ben. He was totally the mom friend in this movie and I was digging it. Him checking in on everyone was nice. I feel like he got a good amount of screen time and his scenes were justified in being included in this packed movie. I’m so glad we got Ben the architect!  

Pro 2: The Clubhouse I didn’t think we’d ever see the clubhouse or the Barrens outside of the Quarry. It’s a little shoehorned in, but I love that location so I’m going to call it a pro. Although, can we talk about how the book 5x5 clubhouse got a major upgrade? Like, holy shit, that place was huge!

Pro 3: Ben kept the yearbook page Look, I’m a sucker for the idea that Ben kept the yearbook page with Bev’s name. For one, how fucking cute is it that it’s been 27 years and he has no fucking idea who Beverly Marsh is, but he still keeps it?

But, it’s also a double edged sword. Because how lonely must he be that he keeps that? Like, he keeps this reminder that there was a time that someone would write hearts by their name in relation to him. That’s so indicative of Ben’s character. It shows how even as a successful man, he still feels all alone. Very nice.

Con 2: Dirt doesn’t equal germs I wish I could scream this from a rooftop. This pissed me off last movie and it pissed me off this movie. So let me say it again:

DIRT DOESN’T EQUAL GERMS.

The movies have not done enough to separate Eddie’s fears from Stan’s. Stan doesn’t like things that are unclean. Eddie doesn’t like things that can make you sick. Those are two different things. Eddie can reach for a ball on the dirty ground. Because cobwebs and dirt don’t cause diseases.

Con 3: Everyone is mad at Mike Seriously? The losers come back to Derry because they all made a promise, and they’re mad at Mike? Like, y’all made the promise. What was Mike supposed to say on the phone, ‘Hey, the killer clown we fought as kids is back, are you still in to come back and kill it?’ It just doesn’t make sense to have them all pissed at him.

Pro 4: The Ritual of Chud I never would have thought they would include that. It seemed too complex and out there (outing Pennywise as a million of years old cosmic being, that’s a whole different level). But they did! And I liked the idea that Mike found that out in his research. Sucks he shared it with Bill and not Richie, but I wasn’t made about it. It was a cool way to include it and give Mike some more screen time.

Con 4: Mike lied to everyone Wait, what? I don’t understand why anyone thought this was necessary. Mike said he needed everyone to believe they could kill It. Okay, that checks out. But they literally already know they can hurt It. They did it in the last movie by believing they could. So why do they suddenly need a fake ritual to do it? I like the idea of Mike getting the vision of Pennywise’s origin but I wish it had stopped there. The losers didn’t need that to know they could take It down.

Like, Mike needed more screen time, but not like that.

Pro 5: Richie loves Eddie If you didn’t think this would be on the list, you don’t know me. I think it’s awesome that they went this direction. I’ve always thought there was enough evidence to argue that Richie was bi and had a thing for Eddie. Getting to see that on the screen was great. And I loved the use of the Paul Bunyan statue. Because first movie they’re sitting by that statue when they ask Richie what he’s afraid of. Whether he’s really afraid of clowns or not, we now know he’s also afraid of people knowing he’s gay. When Pennywise attacks him there later, it’s relevant because that’s where he lied to the losers.

Eddie’s death and onward is handled really well. Richie having to be dragged out of the sewers and crying in the Quarry is so sad. But him re-carving over their initials is beautiful. He’s finally able to be okay loving Eddie. And even though Eddie’s gone, that’s still a powerful thing.

But...

Con 5: Eddie’s feelings weren’t clear Look, I read the book, Eddie’s gay. Like, if you argued that in the book Richie was straight, you would have had a leg to stand on. But with Eddie, you really wouldn’t. He was so clearly intended to be a gay character (Stephen, just say it next time).

But here we have a movie that doesn’t spend any time on confirming that, let alone confirming that he shared Richie’s feelings. Like, come on! It would have been so easy to show!

Here’s how I would have done it. First, scrap all the freezing bullshit (that’s the next con, don’t worry) and have them talk when they’re about to go down the hole to face Pennywise. Richie: Are you ready for this? Eddie: No, I’m scared shitless. But I keep trying to remind myself that I have nothing to lose. Richie: What the fuck does that mean? Eddie: I hate my life. I hate my wife. I might as well have married my mother. I don’t like my job. I wanted to do something with cars. And remembering all of this shit has just made it more obvious that I don’t to be who I was. I don’t want to go back to that. Richie: No one says you have to. Eddie: Where else would I go? Richie: I have a spare bedroom. Eddie: Like you could put up with me full time. Richie: I always did. Eddie (realizing Richie means it): ...I’ll think about it. And then the sewer fight happens, Eddie saves Richie because why the fuck wouldn’t he. And their last conversation goes like this: Eddie: Rich, *grabs Richies arm* I thought about it. Richie: About what? Leaving with me? Eddie: I want to. I’ve always- Pennywise starts attacking so he doesn’t finish.

And that shows that the feelings aren’t one sided and adds some angst for when Richie comes back over and he’s dead (or he could just not leave his side, whichever).

Con 6: Eddie freezes There’s no shame in freezing in terrifying situations. It’s natural. Fight, flight, freeze. Those are the options when scared.

But Eddie has literally never frozen in the past. Eddie never froze in the first movie. He didn’t freeze when Bowers attacked him. But you want me to believe that suddenly at the last leg of the movie he’s going to start? And for what? So it’d be dramatic when he stepped in the save Richie? That’s just who Eddie is. He’s always moving and acting and talking. It just made no sense to suddenly introduce this flaw that has arguably no pay off. Cut it and use the time for something important.

Con 7: Stan’s fears are never clearly explored It’s so easy to write Stan off as just being weak and scared. Even with the letter, it’s so easy. Because the 1st movie took away the scenes where he was brave (being the one to make them promise and being the one to say they needed to clean Bev’s bathroom).

But Stan’s issue isn’t just being scared, it’s being unable to accept things that aren’t logical. Pennywise existing offends him as a child. As an adult it very likely would have made him lose his mind. And this movie did better at touching that, but didn’t quite get there. They accept that he’s the most scared, but they don’t get down to why.

Pro 6: The losers grieve for Stan I don’t think the book even does as good a job at this. Stan was their friend. Part of the lucky 7 that made them powerful. Him being dead should feel like part of them is ripped out. They aren’t whole anymore. Having a scene where they mourned him was so important and I’m so glad they included it.

Pro 7: The ending This one is controversial, but I liked the ending change. It never made sense to me that after purifying Derry they forgot everything. Pennywise and the Turtle are dead, so who’s there to make them forget? In some ways I think remembering might be sadder (Richie gets to accept being gay just in time to watch the guy he loves die), but I think it makes more sense. I also think the losers being able to call each other and be lifelong friends is a good change. I don’t know if I’d call it the happy ending the movie implied that it was (it’s a small change Stephen, don’t pat your back too hard. It’s not like Eddie got to live), but I do think I prefer it.

And Stan’s letter really worked for me despite the flaws (Stan took the time to write this letter and then kill himself? Also, Patty saw this letter, I assume with the losers club’s names and decided to send it out? She wasn’t pissed that Stan killed himself for these people? She didn’t want any answers from them about what the fuck her husband was talking about?). It was needed to give Stan’s character some kind of redemption for how weak they made him out to be.

Pro 8: Eddie stabbed Henry with a knife he pulled out of his face Look, there’s not a lot to say about it, it was just cool. The whole scene was hilarious and Eddie Kaspbrack is a badass.

Pro 9: Pennywise is scary as shit I thought the first movie was a little heavy handed with CGI and didn’t give us enough horror movie makeup. And there was plenty of CGI here, but it felt more balanced with how much we saw of Pennywise. Honestly, Pennywise is so scary on his own, he can carry the movie. Things like the leper just look kind of fake. But Bill Skarsgard delivers.

I think that’s it!

I know there‘s stuff I left out, but I think I got the big ones. I feel bad I didn’t mention Beverly much, but her story line this time around was mostly centered around Ben. Which I could consider a flaw, but given the amount of time in the movie and how much focus she got last movie, I’m not mad about it.

[beauzoleils]

ABIGAIL  COWEN ,  CISFEMALE ,  SHE / HER    →   according  to  the  school  records ,  NATALIE  LUCILLE  BEAUSOLEIL  has  been  attending  sacred  heart  for  the  past  three  years .  i  last  saw  them   hanging  around  the  john  bracken  library  ;  i  think  they  were  working  on  writing  her  novel .  at  twenty - one  years  old ,  natalie  has  been  studying  english  literature  and  get  this ,  i   heard  that  she’ll  zone  out  while  writing  papers  for  class  and  come  to  surrounded  by  pages  and  pages  full  of  archaic  languages  she  doesn’t  speak   —   figure  it’s  true ?  everyone  around  here  always  associates  them  with  a  moonlight  sonata  echoing  through  empty  halls ,  seats  in  the  back  row  at  the  opera ,  and  dead  flowers  pressed  between  the  pages  of  an  old  book .  in  the  time  since  these  strange  happenings ,  they  have  encountered  unexplained  occurrences .     

HI ,  hello .  i’m  hannah  n  this  is  like .  the  only  thing  i’ve  been  thinking  about  recently ,  aka  i’m  so  excited .  ok  anyway !  i’m  20 ,  kickin  it  in  the  est !  i’m  a  full  time  student  ( majoring  in  being  a  dumb  bitch  n  gay  rights  and  i’m  at  the  top  of  my  class  baby . . )  and  i’m  ALSO  a  preschool  teacher  so  if  i’m  ever  Not  here ,  i’m  with  my  babies  ! !  but  that  isn’t  the  reason  why  ur  all  here . .   ur  here  for  an  intro  post !  so !  

let’s  talk  abt  my  girl . . .  𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄  𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐈𝐋 !

okay .  so .  first  thing’s  first .  i  have  some  Real  Things  prepared  for  my  girl ,  including  but  not  limited  to :

a  pinterest  board !

a  stats  page !

and  what  i  call  NATALIE :  A  TRAGEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS .  it’s  kind  of  a  bio ,  mixed  in  with  some  stage  directions  here  and  there .  it’s  a  quick  read  n  rly  gives  you  that  Natalie  Flavor  if  you  know  what  i  mean . .  so  if  you  feel  so  inclined  n  wanna  take  a  look . .  but  full  disclosure  it  rly  does  hit  different  than  just  reading  this  intro 

anyway !  i’ll  give  a  more  condensed  version  of  her  bio  here  n  some  info  abt  her  personality  n  some  random  headcanons . .  etc !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈 :  𝑨 𝑯𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

alright  SO .  our  girl  natalie  was  born  on  april  13 ,  1952  to  michel  and  colette  beausoleil .  it  was  a  thursday ,  and  it  was  ALSO  eleven  weeks  before  colette’s  due  date ,  so  we  all  know  that  can’t  be  good 

( spoiler  alert :  it  wasn’t )

natalie  was  supposed  to  be  a  twin ,  but  the  other  baby  ( a  boy  named  pierre )  didn’t  survive .  they  didn’t  think  that  natalie  would ,  but  she did !  unfortunately ,  her  parents  were  too  wounded  by  the  loss  of  their  other  baby  and  it  was  all grieving  and  no  celebrating .  

also .  there’s  more  info  abt  her  parents  n  how  they  met  in  the  bio  but ,  a  sparknotes  version  is  that  michel  was  a  playwright  in  paris  and  colette  was  a  ballerina / his  muse  and  they  rushed  into  a  marriage 

michel  made  it  rly  big  a  couple  yrs  after  natalie  was  born  and  so  they  decided  to  use  that  $ $ $  to  send  natalie  away  to  an  expensive  boarding  school  in  london  called  our  lady  of  sacred  suffering .  it  was ,  of  course ,  a  catholic  girls  boarding  school  and  natalie  hated  it  there

but  they  hated  natalie  there  bc  she  was  just  the  WORST  catholic  school  girl  of  all  time ,  so  it  was  mutual

meanwhile ,  her  relationship  w  her  parents  is . .  very  complicated .  her  dad  is  just  kind  of  The  Worst  across  the  board ,  very  reliant  on  drinking ,  definitely  got  into  drug  use  at  some  point ,  had  lots  of  affairs  with  the  young  actresses  in  his  plays .  and  colette  was  just . .  very  sad  and  very  absent  so  the  support  was  Minimal

natalie  has  a  lot  of  issues  that  are  all  rooted  in  her  childhood  tbh .

somewhere  along  the  way ,  she  found  a  deep  passion  for  Writing  and  developed  this  sense  of  purpose  and  for  a  minute  things  were  going  very  well 

which  we  all  know  means  things  are  about  to  get  WORSE . 

on  her  eighteenth  birthday ,  natalie  receieves  a  card  in  the  mail  from  her  mother  for  the  First  Time  Ever .  and  she  immediately  is  like .  huh .  well .  something  is  Wrong .

she’s  right .

( tw :  nondescript  mentions  of  car  crashes  &  death )

a  week  later ,  she  receives  word  that  her  parents  were  involved  in  a  serious  car  accident  at  the  pont  de  l’alma  tunnel  in  paris  and  her  did  not  survive  the  accident .

( end  tw )

her  mother’s  family  is  not  convinced  that  michel  should  walk  away  from  this  without  blame  and  decides  to  take  legal  action  against  him  and  get  him  convicted  with  a  more  serious  charge  than  just  manslaughter . 

they  promise  to  keep  natalie  out  of  it  as  much  as  possible  but  when  it  comes  time  to  testify  as  to  whether  or  not  michel  had  a  history  of  not  caring  about  colette’s  life  and  well - being ,  the  only  one  who  can  speak  to  it  is  natalie .

so  she  testifies  and  it’s  her  testimony  that  is  the  metaphorical  nail  in  the  coffin .  

( tw :  suicide  mention )

michel  knows  it ,  too .  that’s  what  natalie  thinks .  he  turns  up  dead  in  his  jail  cell  the  day  before  he’s  supposed  to  be  sentenced .  she  never  knows  if  he  deserved  the  life  sentence  he  was  going  to  be  given .

( end  tw ) 

so  then !  she’s  an  orphan !  but  she  does  gain  control  over  everything  that  her  parents  left  behind ,  which  turns  out  to  be  a  lot .  

she  sells  their  house  in  paris ,  goes  to  wales  to  begin  university ,  and  hasn’t  gone  back  since  then .  but  like ,  she  grew  up  in  london  for  the  most  part  so  she’s  not  exactly  sad  about  being  away  from  paris  and  all  the  ghosts  there .

and  now  she’s  at  sacred  heart ,  working  on  writing  her  debut  novel ,  which  is  the  ( albeit ,  dramatized  and  fictionalized )  story  of  her  parents !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈 :  𝑨  𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

so  basically ,  she’s  got  issues .

fictional  character  inspo  includes :  jo  march ,  alaska  young ,  cheryl  blossom

if  you  know  anything  abt  astrology . .  she’s  an  aries  sun ,  mercury ,  and  venus . .  and  a  scorpio  moon  and  mars . .  and  a  gemini  rising . .  i’m  so  sorry JKDSFM

she’s  very  emotional  but  does  a  super  good  job  of  hiding  it  and  keeping  all  those  emotions  ( esp  the  intense  n  darker  ones )  buried  away . .  deep  down  where  no  one  could  see  it

the  minute  that  ppl  kind  of  ? ?  but  two  and  two  together  n  realize  who  she  is  ( bc . .  in  my  head . .  her  dad’s  whole  trial  was  kind  of .  A  Thing  that  the  public  knew  abt . )  they’re  probably  rly  concerned  w  Little  she  shows  any  real  emotion  to  the  whole  thing . 

rly  she’s  just  the  queen  of  compartmentalizing  n  repressing !

she’s  very . .  Assertive .  like ,  when  she  wants  something  she’s  going  to  do  whatever  it  takes  to  get  her  way  

very  Very  reckless .  she’s  like . .  so  fucking  impulsive  that  it  physically  Pains  me  sometimes .

she’s  very  smart  but  like .  More  So ,  she’s  very  clever  and  very  sharp  with  her  words .  a  very  fast  thinker  and  a  very  loud  talker 

someone  please . .  tell  her  to  stop  yelling .  she  needs  to  Relax . 

she’s  very  charming  i’ll  say  it .  n  like ?  seems  cool ?  the  kind  of  person  that  you  meet  and  immediately  want  to  hang  out  w  them .  

very  flirty ,  has  always  used  that  charming  smile  of  hers  to  get  ppl  in  her  corner  and  she’s  not  gonna  stop  now !  she’s  very  good  at  making  ppl  feel  special  

but  like .  she  means  well  most  of  the  time  sdkfj  her  heart  is  in  the  right  place  okay

big  time  trust  issues .  big  time  commitment  issues .  painfully  independent  and  refuses  to  let  anyone  know  how  much  she  cares  about  them  until  she’s  like . .  Really  sure  that  they  aren’t  going  to  hurt  her

also  very  afraid  of  hurting  people ,  which  is  another  reason  why  she  struggles  to  get  attached  to  people .  she  definitely  has  this  deep - rooted  fear  that  Bad  Things  follower  her  and  she  doesn’t  want  to  drag  ppl  into  that

it’s  literally  a  toss - up  as  to  whether  she’s  going  to  seem  like  she’s  demanding  ur  attention  or  entirely  disinterested  in  it .  bc  she’s  all  over  the  place . 

but  like .  i’m  an  emotional  BITCH  so  she’s  probably  going  to  end  up  being  100000%  softer  than  i  intend  bc  i  project  too  much  soft  bitch  energy  onto  my  characters  Always .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈𝐈 :  𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

so  many  things .  literally ,  anything .  just  a  disclaimer ,  if  u  read  thru  this  and  had  An  Idea  then  like .  yes  Pls  tell  me ,  i  want  it  xoxo 

but  here  are  some  i  have  up  in  the  old . .  noggin .

EXES .  please ,  please . .  for  the  love  of  GOD  give  me  some  angsty  exes  nonsense .  do  you  need  someone  who  broke  ur  characters  heart ?  consider  natalie  UR  GIRL .  she’s  Emotionally  Damaged  and  has  the  capacity  to  be  the  angstiest  ex  of  all  time ,  okay ?

give  her  a  weakness .  she  needs  someone  who  she’s  Actually  vulnerable  around  and  actually  sees  her  have  emotions  and  knows  she’s  not  just  this  huge  Mess  all  the  time

i  rly  want  someone  that  is  like .  from  the  same  ( ish )  bg  as  her  in  the  sense  that  like . .  they  also  were  surrounded  by  nice  clothes  n   expensive  private  schools  n  Luxury  but  like .  they  Thrive  in  it  the  way  natalie  used  to  wish  that  she  could .  n  just .  i  think  it  would  b  a  super  interesting  dynamic  bc  they  would  just !  clash !  so  intensely ! !  n  tbh  nat  would  probably  b  lowkey  jealous  Still  n .  spicy !

@ all  those  ppl  who  are  into  theatre :  i’m  Dying  for  some  connections  of  ppl  who  knew / knew  of  her  father  n  would  know  what  happened  w  him  perhaps  on  a  deeper  level  than  ppl  who  read  it  in  the  newspaper  a  few  yrs  ago . .  ( bonus  points  if  they  lowkey  idolized / looked  up  to  her  dad  bc  thats  a  Big  Mess  and  could  b  spicy  as  fuck  to  explore ,  u know ? ) 

idk  if  any  of  y’all  have  characters  who  grew  up  in / around  paris ?  but  if  there  are . .  then  Perhaps  someone  who  knew  her  in  her  youth ?

okay .  not  to  be  Trash  but  like .  i  rly  want  her  to  have  a  dynamic  that’s  jo  x  laurie  adjacent ?  do  they  have  to  be  in  love  w  her ?  no !  i  just  want someone  that  has  that  genuine  bond  w  her  and  they  care  abt  each  other  n  goof  around  n  like . .  i’m  already  getting  soft  on  main ,  huh , ,

she’s  soo  fucking  messy  that  like . .  all  the  messy  fwb / frenemies  with  benefits / one  night  stand  type  of  plots . .  yes  pls 

i  always  want  there  to  b  a  badass  girl  squad  like .  a  group  of  ladies  n  theydies  that  take  no  shit  n  get  in  fights  for  each  other  n  rly  truly  ride  or  die  w  each  other . .  we  can  workshop  the  name  ok  but  for  now ?  my  girl  squad  is  open  for  applications 

okay .  let  me  cut  myself  off  right  there  but  i’ll  leave  you  with  my  WANTED  CONNECTIONS  TAG  n  also  again  i’m 10000%  okay  to  just  brainstorm  out  something  else  completely  if  its  what  ur  feeling !

if  u  read  all / any  of  this . .  i  love  u . <3  either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm  OR !  like  this  n  i  will  come  to  u !  okay ,  that’s  all ,  bye 

[simplysparrow14]

“Shadows Of The Dark Crystal” Book Review

So, I'm going to say this write out the bat: I gave this book ⭐⭐⭐

And I give it three stars, mostly because it wasn't a bad book by any means, but I found myself really disappointed with this book on a number of issues. I felt that this book had really great potential, but it merely stays in the lane of “It's a first book in a series.” 

To sum up the entire book: 

“Shadows of the Dark Crystal”  takes place within the world of Thra, The home planet of the Dark Crystal. We see the gelfling empire thriving. Everything is peaceful, there are no wars to be fought, every clan is living their best lives, and they are prospering alongside their benevolent rules, the bird-like creatures known as The Skeksis.

 In “Shadows”, we follow a young gelfling tomboy by the name of Naia. Naia is the daughter of the clan Maudra, or leader, but she kind of resents her status of future maudra.  She once had dreams of being called upon to serve The Skeksis, these fair rulers who claim to be the Protectors of Thra, but her dreams were dashed aside when The Skeksis came to call upon her twin brother Gurjin instead. Because of this, she mostly spends her days training to be the next future maudra, to harness a healing fire that has been passed through the Drenchen bloodline for generations. 

One day, while patrolling through the swamp, Naia finds a visitor walking making their way toward her home.  Because of how thick and large the swamp is, Visitors are not common within the swamp, so she;s very on edge as too why this silver-hair, fair-skinned gelfling is trooping through the swamp like an idiot. Following the visitor, it turns out that the visitor, a Vapra gelfling by the name of Tavra, had arrived with a message from the ever-powerful All-Maudra, who sends a message that Gurjin has been branded a traitor to the Skeksis, and is now to be put to trial at the Castle of the Crystal. 

And then everything goes from there….

So from the get-go, I’ve always been hesitant about reading this book. It's mainly because of how deeply I would compare and contrast the TV Show vs The Books. 

I was very afraid that my high-expectations and Love for the show would taint my reading experience throughout the book, and thankfully,  for a majority of the book, it did not taint it. I found myself enjoying it.  but that doesn't mean that I don't find myself really disappointed with the execution of those ideas. 

As usual, I really found myself loving the world of Thra. The way the landscapes and locations are told is absolutely spectacular and i can see everything very clearly. The way J.M Lee encorperates “Clan Life” in the narrative is also wonderful--I absolutely love the snippets we get, like the drenchen putting their dirty food plates in small hanging baskets and leaving them out to get washed in the rain, or the Sprition having a small communal cooking fire and their relationship with the podlings is fantastic. 

The Skeksis were goofy and horrifying as always. and the climax of the book was very intense and action pact. The dialogue for the Skeksis, however, was very jarring at first, especially with the other Skeksis that wasn't the chamberlain. I'm so used to hearing that very lyrical, very quotable dialogue from the show. 

“All the better to hold on life, no matter the cast.” 

“All ready a solution lies within the Scientists very grasp.”

“We are the lords of the Crystal-- We have ruled for a thousand trine, and we shall rule for a thousand more--We are Eternal!

“I plant lies in the ground--Watch grow into Truth.”

“Two questions answer each other.”

“Gelfling have always been ruled--heads down, backs bent!”

The characters were quite pleasant--They did the job they were given. 

Naia and Kylans friendship was so soft and so pure. Just the way the two bonded and cared for each other really made their relationship all the more adorable. 

I loved the rivalry that Tavra and Naia sort of formed, it felt very pure to the conflict within the show, with them allking each other “Drenchen” and “Vapran” with such hatred and disdain. 

I also loved the amount of clan racism that was in this book. I loved the ways that the gelfling treated each other, with one of the most prominent encounters being with Naia and Maudra Mera. I love how J.M Lee wrote the dialogue for the scene--It was very passive aggressive in a way, with Mera basically telling Naia “Alright now, I'm giving you a meal and a place to sleep, but as soon as the sun rises over those mountains, you need to take your dreadlocks and swamp-smell and get out of my clan” 

But im afraid thats where my praise for this book ends, Now onto my complaints. 

So, the book is written in very short chapters, each with maybe 8-10 pages each. It makes for  avery quick read, but thats where one of my complaints with the book lies: There's not enough time within the chapter to fully flesh out the scenes. We do get confrontation on some scenes that come in later chapters, particularly the scene where Kylan explains to Naia that he himself experienced the same vision-residual echo as she had within the dark wood and their dreamfast,  but it wasn't enough for me. It felt as if the book was holding me back with the end of a fairly long pole. I really wanted to dive deep into scenes, explore these characters thoughts and feelings about whatever was happening, but the book wasn't allowing that unless it was directly needed. 

It absolutely felt like the Aughra and Brea scene within The Dream-Space where Brea was like, “Hey--What's wrong with the Crystal?! Why is it cracked?!”

And Aughra’s just like, “We don't have time for that! We’ll get there when we get there! No time for emotional scenes, we need to get this plot moving!”

Another thing that kind of ties up with my first point, is that while the Characters were good and they played their roles well, they’re relationships and dynamics were not fully fleshed out. Everyone felt confined to a role and no one felt fully able to push against those roles. 

One of the reasons why I love the protags in the TV show is that the writers gave them a chance to push against their roles: 

Rain is supposed to be a guard of the castle, this impressive force of strength and bravery, but in actuality he’s very much a coward and like what the chamberlain says, he runs the first chance he gets.  Throughout the season we see him learn from this fight-or-flight mentality, we see him lean to stand his ground and grow a pair in facing the skeksis. 

Deet is a happy little farm child who has a positive outlook on life, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't experience doubt and fear about her journey and her meaning to this big quest. We see her start to view the world differently, and in the end, we see her take a life, something she would have never had done in her lifetime (Granted she took the life of a diseased dodo-overlord, but given that deep is literally a sunshine child, she would have loved Skeklash, warts and all. )

Brea is a princess who loves to learn, she boasts about how she’s read certain books more then once and how she lives in complete luxury, but we also see her being a smartass. She’s manipulative and quick-witted and kind of conniving in the most endearing way. 

In “Shadows,” I never got any of that. I get that its a first book in a series and that as the books go on, the characters character-development will start to come into play, but I feel as though, at the end of book one, your characters should be at least a little bit different than at the beginning. 

In the end, Naia still felt like Naia. Yes, She discovered that the Skeksis were killing gelfling and yes her wings came in at the last second, but in the end, Naia still felt the same as she did in the first page. She had changed, yes, but not enough for me to be really be pumped to see where her character goes from end. 

Same with Kylan. He felt changed, but not enough for me to be excited for him. 

One last thing I need to say is that I wanted the background characters to be more fleshed out.Obviousl, again, I know we have more books in the series to go through to get some development, but i really wanted them to feel real enough for me that when they do come back in the later books, Im absolutly excited to see where they go.  I love Naia’s  family--I love Laesid. I love Bellanji. I love Naia’s little sisters. I love them all, but I wanted them to have more agency on the plot. I love how protective Bellanji and Laesid are of their Children, especially when this silver-haired stranger comes tromping through their swamp and just spits out, “Hey i'm sorry for bothering you during your lovely dinner but your only son is now a traitor to the skeksis and if he doesnt turn himself in we’re going to hunt him down like a nebrie.”

And both Laesid and Bellanji are like “eXuSe mE tHe FuCk?!”

But that also what bothers me is that they do all their negotiating and planning within this scene in Laesids room. There's never a time where Naia and Lakeside and Bellanji and her sisters are gathered AS A FULL FAMILY to discuss what the hell they are going to do about this situation. They’re only son, Gurjin, has just been branded a traitor to the crystal and If they dont bring him home and let him have an audience with the All-Maudra, they themselves are going to be branded traitors as well.  I feel as though with those prospects, the entire family would have taken a few moments to talk about it, instead of Laesid just going, “Okay Bellanji, take Naia with you when you go to the All-Maudra because plot demands her to go.” 

And that's where I think my biggest issue with the whole entire book lies. It fleshes out things, but not enough to where it really packs a punch. It never fully brings it home for me. When I read, I want to be invested. But with this book, I was invested, but not in the way that I wanted. 

Some miscellaneous things:

The Skeksis take Naia to a part of the Castle known as the All-Maudra’s guest Quarters. This suggests that the All-Maudra spent the night within the caslte, thus making it canon that the All-Maudra had seen a naked Skeksis walk the halls of the castle before. 

Tavra just causally popping her arm back into its socket like it was normal Tuesday for her. 

Bellanji flirting with Laesid while she tents to his wounds.

Laesin having (1) leg and being more badass for it

Gurjin being more interested in hunting in the swamp and wooing “Lassi-wings” up into trees for some fun times. 

That (1) podling definitely called playfully insulted Naia on her way to the village. 

Neech being best eel. 11/10 would fetch anything.

[sammysreelreviews]

5 New Shows To Sink Your Teeth Into

Hi hi hi HI!!! I am back! I’ve literally been sitting on all these drafts while watching 101987 different shows. I honestly think I’ve crushed about 11 shows, probably more, since I’ve been gone from here. Everyone’s been texting me asking what they should watch next so now y’all can look here! So here’s 5 shows I’ve loved and I highly suggest you watch so you can love them too!

1. Good Trouble (Freeform, 2019- )

If you watched The Fosters you know of Mariana and Callie Foster the best sister duo around. In this amazing and more mature spin off the girls move into a commune in downtown LA. They’re faced with difficulty at work, being adults, and of course there’s tons of romantic drama. Ok so I LOVED The Fosters and this spinoff is EVERYTHING. It’s sexier but it’s just as woke about social issues (LGBTQ relationships, police killing black men, depression, equality in the workplace) and I recommend it to everyone, even the ones who haven’t watched The Fosters (but I highly recommend you watch the Fosters because all seasons are streaming on Netflix).

Where to watch: Tuesdays at 9/8c on Freeform and streaming on Hulu the next day.

2. Pen15 (Hulu, 2019- )

This show about being a middle schooler in the 2000’s and it is almost TOO relatable. Pen15 is as crude and hysterical as its name. Two adults play middle schoolers as they tackle, friendship, peer pressure, and even getting your damn period. I wish this show was out when I was 12 so I could see that everyone had the same issues.

3. Killing Eve (BBC America, 2018- )

Killing Eve is the best cat and mouse chase I’ve ever seen on tv. Eve (Sandra Oh) is a security operative who has an obsession with murder cases. Villainelle (Jodie Comer) is a complex fashion loving female assassin who happens to be obsessed with Eve. Villanelle is one of the best tv characters to ever be created and Jodie Comer was absolutely robbed this award season. Not only is it cat and mouse it’s sexy, it’s intelligent, and it’s brilliantly done. This funny as hell but thrilling show rocked my fucking world and if it does the same for you don’t worry, Season 2 premiers April 7th. Also it does not hurt that Jodie Comer is a total smoke.

Where to watch: Season 1 is streaming on Hulu. Season 2 starts April 7th and airs Sundays at 8pm eastern time on AMC.

4. Russian Doll (Netflix, 2019- )

Imagine reliving your birthday over and over again but dying is the only way that it ends? No I am not talking about Happy Death Day for the 2828825th time I am talking about the gem that is Russian Doll. Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) keeps dying and waking up to the same party held in her apartment. The more she dies the weirder it gets. This show explores so much about what it means to live and take people and things for granted. You’ll laugh the whole time but at the end it’ll make you think, what is my purpose?

5. The Umbrella Academy (Netflix, 2019- )

Ok so I’m emo AS FUCK so when I heard Gerard Way’s comic was being brought to life I almost cried! The Umbrella Academy starts off in October 1989 when 43 women around the world give birth at the same time and none of them were pregnant earlier that day. Seven of these babies get adopted by billionaire Reginald Hargreeves and they happen to all have super powers, well, not all. The siblings reunite after their father dies and the adventure ensues. The Umbrella Academy is funny, emotional, action packed and with a cast that includes Mary J. Blige, Ellen Page, and the amazing Robert Sheehan, it better get a second season.