#you want me to feel bad for veterans with ptsd ?

[littlegildedswallow]

I'm 5 feet tall with a delicate build, and I work out regularly. No amount of body-building changes the fact that the average man could easily wrap his entire fucking hand around my neck and EASILY choke me to death, or break my wrists or my fucking spine. That terrifies me. It terrifies me than in a real one on one fight to the death, I'd probably be the one dying. I'm thinking of that video where a woman stabbed a guy with a big knife like 15 times, and he still kept fighting, whaling on her. What the fuck are those tiny "self defense" blades supposed to accomplish ? My best bet would probably be to slice his jugular or push my thumbs into his eye sockets, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if he's restraining my arms. It TERRIFIES me that I can't fight, and even if I could, I'd probably not stand a chance against the average man, and definitely not if there were more than one.

Do any of you know self defense tips that ACTUALLY work? No convoluted moves. If a brute has got me in a fucking chokehold, I won't be thinking about the steps of popular self defense moves. I'll be panicking, losing strength and consciousness. The way i see it, my best bet would be carrying a fucking dagger, but even that requires intense training to learn how to use efficiently.

[charliehoennam]

aftermath.

A/N: nobody asked for this, but all I've seen is Will smut (which I totally love, don't get me wrong) but I need some vulnerable Will

Pairing: Will Miller x f!reader

Warnings: grief, mourning, sad!will, mentions of death, mentions of Will's military past and Tom's funeral

One of the things you've always admired about Will is his strength. He was always the one to put on a brave face and push on. The captain in him had the duty of moving forward and completing whatever mission was at hand, whether it was getting his team to the landing zone or grocery shopping day at home.

It was that very same strength he possessed that got him through the darkest times in his life.

Losing his war veteran grandfather, losing his comrades in combat or to the haunting PTSD that they tried to chase away with substance abuse.

Before you came into his life, before he realized that he was lost in the same fog of that purgatory of PTSD, shutting his emotions out is the only thing he knew. After all that time, he came to believe it was easier than having to deal with them.

It just wasn't a priority; a moment of tears he refused to share with anyone anywhere other than sat naked and alone on the shower floor.

Tom wasn't the first friend he'd lost, but it doesn't mean it made losing him any easier.

It was easy for him to plaster a smile and bury his grief deep down until he felt it was time to unbury it and mourn.

Getting to that point of self-awareness was a victory in itself.

It took so much patience and love and pain, not only on his behalf but yours as well, to help him to understand what he was really struggling with.

He hadn't realized it had gotten so uncontrollable until the incident at Publix - the grand revelation of the weapon he could be, once shred of his humanity, provided the cathartic acceptance of the fact that he needed help.

Upon federal investigation, the story they told was that Tom had been shot and killed in a tragic mugging incident on their consultation trip. Just a boys' night out gone bad.

It wasn't too hard to believe, given they were 5 foreigners in a country that wasn't theirs. The heat from the Feds didn't last long. Thanks to Santiago's few but faithful contacts, that investment was quickly brought to an end.

It's barely 6 a.m. and you're stood in the kitchen making coffee, still processing how this all happened.

Your black dress is simple but elegant and modest against your body. Despite the itchy fabric, you can feel the early morning chill soaking through.

The dripping of the coffee maker lures you into a whirlwind of thoughts. You watch the droplets of dew form on the kitchen window against the cloudy sky which threatens to rain.

You start to second guess the toast when it pops up in the toaster. You're not the slightest bit hungry and you're positive Will won't be either, but you have to try.

He hasn't eaten right in the past couple days. You didn't say anything, but you've noticed the few bites he'd given his food and the way he'd pick at it.

He should've been ready and downstairs by now, so you decide to go up and check on him.

Moving forward is hard for most people, but for Will, it's what keep the pain at bay. The problem is when he stops.

Like a tornado, he's left with the screaming silence and the damage it left in it's wake.

Now that he's home, the mission of bringing Tom home is complete, the hard truth that his friend and mentor is gone has begun to sink in.

You gently knock on the door as you reach your shared bedroom.

"Honey, do you want any help?"

"I'm good, sweetheart. I'll be right out."

You can hear him sniffle despite his attempt to sound as normal as possible. Unconvinced, you turn the knob and open the door.

He's sat on the edge of the bed wearing a simple black suit as he looks back over his shoulder at you with a Marine coin in hand, a gift from Tom when Will confessed about his therapy sessions.

You aren't too surprised to see he changed out of the formal military blue suit he had out on earlier.

The ribbons, the medals, the badges... He couldn't put them on without feeling the crushing and staining weight of guilt.

"Lat minute outfit change?"

The corner of your lips curl in an attempt to smile, hoping to cheer him up with a bit of tease.

"I was gonna wear my dress blues, but..." he trails off for a moment to swallow hard. "Just didn't feel right."

Without a word, you quietly walk over and sit beside him. You're not sure what he needs right now, but you don't want him to feel alone.

"Black is more flattering if you ask me," you speak up.

His beard twitches as he attempts to smile. He knows you just want to help him feel better. Yet all he can do is stare down at the gold coin.

"Five times... Five times. Five close calls. And he survived them all. He didn't deserve to go out like that. He just wanted to help his family."

You fight back tears as you listen to him with an arm wrapped his back as you press your cheek to his shoulder.

"I told Santi to get him in. I said I'd go if Tom was in. Tom didn't even want to go in the first place. He didn't-"

There's a crack in his voice which he catches it in his throat to compose himself. He sniffles letting a tear cascade down his cheek only to wipe it away quickly, hoping you hadn't seen it.

"This isn't on you, Will."

He nods although you both know deep inside that he won't stop blaming himself.

"When you told me you were a marine, I knew the risks that came with that, Will. Every knock on the door had my heart racing. But I decided to stay with you because I love you. There wasn't a person on earth or a God in the sky that was gonna tell me otherwise. I knew the risks and I took 'em anyways because not having you would've hurt more... I don't understand how fate works other than we all end up the same. What I do know is that all we can do is love our close ones and cherish the good memories you have of them."

With a tearful and silent nod, he lowers his head and rests it against your chest. His arms lock around your waist as he surrenders to the tears in your embrace.

The tears quietly trickle down your cheeks as you listen to him finally breaking down.

With your lips pressed against his golden hair, you hold him in your arms and stroke the hair on the back of his neck to soothe him for as long as he needs.

All you can do is hold him through it and he couldn't be more thankful to have you in such a vulnerable moment after having faced them on his own for so many years.

Just the feeling of not being alone was overwhelming enough, but to have you holding him and reminding him of the things that are easy to ignore in grief give him hope.

Although he feels he's coming apart, he knows that he'll have the strength he's always had.

It's different now. It's not the strength to bury and forget; it's the strength to heal.

With a sigh of relief after a long, vulnerable moment, he pulls away from you and nods, mentally assuring himself that he's alright.

Upon arriving at the church, you're greeted by Molly so you offer your deepest condolences due to the circumstances. Just as Will, you find that the guys have all opted to wear normal black suits instead of the formal military uniform and you wonder if it's for the same reason.

"Sorry for that," he sniffles wiping his eyes as he tries to regain his composure, swallowing hard with guilt. "We should get going... I don't wanna be late."

You remind him that there is no need to apologize and that he can take the time to splash some water on his face to help him recollect before leaving.

Frankie doesn't say a word other than to Molly and the girls, apologizing for their loss. Throughout the priest's religious ceremony of easing words, Benny's apathetic eyes are glued to Tom's casket set in front of the church between his military portrait and a beautiful arrangement of white flowers. During Will's heartfelt eulogy, Santiago keeps his head lowered as the guilt consumes him.

The grift and sadness during the wake only follow and weigh heavier during the long walk to the gravesite, lingering among the guests of the funeral like a dark cloud. It's only reflected in depths by the light rain pitter-pattering all around.

The military traditions at the funeral leave a bitter tinge of irony in the boys as they watch Tom's casket lowering into the ground.

Tess's happy big doey eyes are now swollen and red as she cries under her mother's arm, hugging the folded flag as if it were her dad, while Molly holds her other and youngest daughter under the other arm.

Looking over at Will, you see that he's trying his hardest to keep his strong facade as well as the boys.

You slide your hand into his and whisper to remind him he's not alone and doesn't have to feel alone.

With a gentle squeeze to your hand, he nods.

"You with me?"

"I'm with you."

You and Will - as well as the guys and Tom's family - are the last to leave, reminding Molly that you're more than willing to help with anything.

Will, however, lingers a moment to speak to her private and tells her about the fund. You can tell from her reaction, she's genuinely surprised and thankful, relieved to know that she'll be able to pay for the funeral.

Having called your boss the previous day to let them know you wouldn't be going to work due to the funeral, you take the rest of the day off to recover from the overwhelming day after the funeral.

The drive home is quiet save for the rain against the car and the windshield, echoing into the vehicle which you insisted on driving to give Will some mental ease. He didn't put up a fight. He was quite relieved you'd offered.

In spite of being eager to understand how he's doing, you refuse to burden him with constant questions and decide to respect his mourning process. So, you keep a hand on his thigh to remind you're in this together.

He doesn't mind it at all. In fact, he is grateful for your respect and your thoughtfulness. His hand rests over yours and doesn't leave until you have to pull your hand back to turn the steering wheel, but it finds it's way back onto his leg, warm fully welcomed by his engulfing hand.

As you're undressing in your room, Will's hand catches yours while you're unzipping your dress.

"Thanks... I don't know about you, but I'd say this weather is perfect cuddling weather," you share letting the dress hang loosely off your shoulders.

Will smiles shyly as if you'd read his mind and locks his arms around your waist.

"I couldn't agree more."

[profoundbondfanfic]

Hello there!

Can you please recommend some of the angstiest, filled-with-pining, slowest burning destiel fics (91w-esque sort of)? I want to feel the pain and pining (and eventual happiness).

Thank you! Have a lovely day <3

Hey there! Here are a few:

I Wanna Get Outside (Of Me) by emwebb17 (Explicit, 142k words)

Dean is a novice in the dom/sub world asked by his employer as a desperate last resort to be a sub for his recluse of a brother, Castiel. Castiel is a diagnosed OCD suffering from PTSD and agoraphobia, mysophobia, and dystychiphobia. Needless to say—he’s a mess who hasn’t stepped out of his home in literally seven years. The only times Gabriel can see traces of the way his brother used to be is when he feels in control—specifically when he has control over a sub. However, due to his idiosyncrasies and paranoia, keeping a sub around has been impossible. Enter Dean, who’s not a very traditional submissive, to try his hand at subbing for the hermit.

For Evermore by casblackfeathers (Explicit, 110k words)

There's no place like home. This was a line Castiel used to know by heart when he was a kid, watching The Wizard of Oz and believing fairytales were real. At thirty-one years old, he isn't a kid anymore, and it has been twelve years since he has known what home feels like. Twelve years. That's when his world had come crashing down and he had left his hometown, Holly Springs, with the broken pieces of what he once was to build a new life in San Francisco. But as circumstances force him to come back to the only place he swore he would never return to, Castiel is finally forced to face everything he once knew and loved. Especially when said everything is made of spring-green eyes and a stardust of freckles, wrapped in all the memories Castiel was not able to erase from his heart. After twelve years, Dean is as mesmerizing as Castiel remembers, but the scars of what was broken still run as deeply as the marrow of his bones, and Castiel will do everything he can to protect himself. After all, his favorite movie also taught him that 'until hearts can be made unbreakable,' he can’t listen to his own.

Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) by sobsicles (Explicit, 66k words)

When he wakes, he has no idea who he is. Not his name, what he looks like, or why he’s flat on his back, staring up at the stars littering the night sky. The first thing he learns about himself is that he has shitty instincts, especially if his first one is to protect the blue-eyed man currently stabbing someone in the face. Or, the story where two strangers can’t agree on much and know even less, but they’re both fairly certain that they’re in love.

On The Other Side by crowleyhasfeels, QuillsAndInk (Explicit, 63k words)

While deployed in Afghanistan, Dean Winchester writes letters to a girl who he's certain isn't listening. By chance, they are found by Professor Castiel Novak who takes the time to reply. Thus begins the tale of a man dragged back from the brink of destruction by the shattered pieces of one person he doesn't know how to love. This is a story of brokenness, love and triumph. This is the story of Dean and Cas.

Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone (Explicit, 488k words)

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

Pick It All Up by thepinupchemist (Explicit, 126k words)

Army veteran Castiel Novak is a wreck after his tour in Afghanistan, brought home to his brother’s apartment in Lawrence, Kansas with scars both mental and physical. He copes poorly, and during one night of bad decision making, meets somebody just as much of a disaster as he is – a prostitute named Dean Winchester. And suddenly, two damaged men might not be as irreparable as they believed.

Quarantension by everandanon (Explicit, 293k words)

In which Dean and Cas weather quarantine together like any Good Friends would — by developing outstanding skills in self-deception and providing all the casual affection and strictly platonic* orgasms the other could possibly need to make it through.**  *Really not platonic **Spoiler: They need a lot.

Redemption Road by Various (Explicit, 652k words)

With Castiel having set himself up as the new God, drunk on power and volatile as a nuclear reactor, Dean, Sam, and Bobby find themselves on the run from the jealous, capricious monster wearing the face of their friend. Desperate for protection and wary of his brother’s mental state since Castiel unlocked Sam’s memories of Hell, Dean knows Castiel must be defused before he can wreak further havoc in Heaven or on Earth. Although Bobby advocates for destroying Castiel by whatever means necessary, Dean is convinced the Cas he once knew still remains, buried somewhere beneath the mass of poisonous souls and calling out for help. Determined to save the angel who once rescued him from Hell and redefined his purpose in life, Dean himself must resist the allure of the false deity vying for his obedience, and come to terms with the knowledge, long-suppressed, that his feelings for Castiel run much deeper than brotherhood. It is this bond, and the dubious distinction of the Righteous Man, that will ultimately grant Dean access to where Castiel’s grace languishes in Purgatory. However, what Dean brings back with him is broken, angry, and only half-angel, certainly not the Castiel he remembers—and nor is it the only thing that returns to Earth with them…

So Says The Sword by komodobits (Explicit, 85k words)

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’ Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

Stay With Me, Sweetheart by MandalaRose (Explicit, 142k words)

“Alright Cas, here comes the hard part. We’re gonna get you out of here, but we’ve gotta take the roof off and while we do that, we’re gonna have to cover you with a sheet to protect you from the glass. I’ll be right here though. I’m not going anywhere.” As he starts to drift away, he suddenly feels the press of Dean’s forehead against his own through the rough fabric and hears that warm, sunlit voice murmer quietly in his ear, too low to be overheard by the firefighters currently working to remove the SUV’s roof, “Stay with me, Sweetheart.” A single moment’s distraction ends with a serious car accident that leaves Castiel trapped in his vehicle. Fortunately for him, fire fighter Dean Winchester is there, never leaving Castiel’s side as the rest of his company work to free him from the mangled remains of his SUV. When the two meet again in the ICU, Castiel finds himself just as drawn to and comforted by the handsome fireman as he was during his accident. Dean is certainly attractive, but single father Castiel doesn’t have time or space in his life for a romantic relationship. Then again, there’s no harm in making a new friend, is there?

The Sawdust Men by linoresearch (Explicit, 123k words)

Castiel Novak is an inmate at a labour camp. Life is brutal and no one ever gets out. Castiel’s only goal is to go unnoticed by the barbaric guards, and the violent inmates. Dean Winchester is a soldier without a purpose since the civil war ended. Dean accepts an assignment at a labour-camp, under the mentorship of Alistair, the Commander. From the start, Dean and Castiel are drawn to each other, and their relationship develops in a way that changes their lives. But Alistair has his own plans for Dean, and Castiel is a complication. When Alistair fails to separate them through threats and violence, he turns to manipulation; feeding Dean’s confusion about his feelings for Castiel, and goading him into a terrible act in order to break him. As Dean and Castiel try to fight back, they uncover secrets that are more far-reaching than they ever imagined. In such a dangerous world, can they ever be together? Can they even survive?

[pokeberry5]

i'm not really sure what the main thrust of this post is, but this yj98 arc has been haunting me literally since I read it months ago, so I've put together a brief(ish) overview of the salient points and the questions it's left me with

aka

that time young justice was sent to a literal intergalactic war front

aka

young justice has even more complex ptsd than you probably thought!!

yj98 #35

the premise is that there's a global war against imperiex, spearheaded by president (blech) luthor. as minors, they can't be drafted into it

(i hunted around and apparently Our Worlds at War, with Imperiex as the big bad, is the broader context, which i didn't feel like reading for this)

instead, they're going to be attached to a "sort of super medical unit" called the "paradocs"

the way they're persuaded to accept their role (instead of?? fighting on the front lines?? jeez kon) is to conceive of themselves as saving active-combat superheroes for their children they're leaving at home (creating an implicit distinction between those children and themselves, which i find sad)

yj is specifically a "search and rescue team"

with a civilian cissie king-jones as their qualified emergency medical technician (so her public persona is an olympic champion, actress, and volunteer veteran of an intergalactic war???)

is cissie the only one performing medical services then? do any of the others pick anything up from her, if these missions last long enough? (do tim and cissie bond as the only non-powered people they know going into a space war?)

yj98 #36

they've run "a couple" successful missions behind enemy lines: what does this mean for the duration of this role?

(i'm not sure if reading Our Worlds at War would help determine how long this all lasted, but if someone who has read it has answers, i'd love to know)

also, were they in space the whole time or going back in between? (i also really really want to know what batman thinks of his protégé being part of a space war. related, did cassie tell her mom??)

---

Superboy Vol 4 #91: War Letters gives some context to this

(kon putting on a brave face!!)

but also:

even as paramedics they were participating in active combat, fighting off scavengers

the lack of specifics, the mention of the fact that he's met "a lot of interesting cats in the field," and of "things" he's seen—there's a sense that he's seen a lot but not enough yet for it to no longer be shocking. or, that what they're seeing is so savage that it never ceases to be shocking.

this also implies that they've met and rescued a slew of people from across the universe. does yj have intergalactic connections? do random alien soldiers remember this small group of earth children that saved them?

this panel also shows kon (and likely the rest of them) amidst recovering jl members. what does the broader jl think of this group of kids in an acknowledged war zone, seeing them beaten down like this? (it's unclear whether kon actually went and rescued kyle rayner here or is just helping him around the medical area, but there must be some sort of lasting impression from this)

they get diverged from their rescue mission and end up on apokolips

bart experiences death when one of his "scouts" is killed—this has a lasting impression on him (addressed later) and kon blames himself, since it was his decision to chase after steel that landed them here. do the two of them ever talk about this? (they don't in yj at least)

---

yj98 #36 contd.

kon's accusation shows that this arc happened right after the drama between batman and the jla during tower of babel (the secret contingency plan drama)

and after batman's betrayal of tim's identity to spoiler (rip tim being betrayed on multiple fronts)

(tim putting on a strong front :'))

i find it interesting that tim considers his state "a world of grays" in contrast to kon's "black and white" attitude. balancing a multitude of considerations is a "world of grays?" anyway, tim staring death in the face and admitting he's scared :')

and then tim gets to watch lil lobo die (he does technically come back but!) and says explicitly that another part of innocence he didn't know he had died with lobo. this can't be his first time witnessing a death given gotham's everything, so is it because this is the first time he's watched a comrade die (and so brutally too)?

yj98 #37

and then! we get extended(?) mental torture on apokolips, enough to drive to tim to attempted homicide (both in the dream world and out of it)

(he was made to watch kon and cassie get murdered brutally in front of him jsyk)

and once he's out:

(does this ever haunt tim? that he almost broke batman's one rule? also parallels with dick beating the joker to death later on tim's behalf)

yj98 #38

the fallout:

we see that after experiencing his scout's death on apokolips, bart's been left with a fear of death strong enough to get him to leave yj (i don't actually know how this gets resolved?? it must happen in his solo bc he just sort of reappears a few mini arcs later...)

("i quit for a bunch of reasons ... but not a single one of them had to do with being afraid i'd get killed," cissie you're sooooo well-adjusted. she doesn't think bart's valid rip)

this is the moment where tim quits yj because he can't deal with their lack of trust (oof) and because“i don’t need the grief of young justice,” referring to everything else going on in tim's life (batman betraying his identity to spoiler)

(he'll lose them later on anyway—does it haunt him that he came back?)

(it's sweet that kon has someone he feels he can talk to and ask advice from)

i'm not sure if tim ever gets that apology

tldr: i kind of want one or more of yj to end up as a paramedic

[beevean]

Who's worse, Lanolin or Surge?

Lanolin. Surge makes me sad because she has a really cool concept, but it got wasted in the hands of incompetent writers who don't know if they want her to be badass or pitiful, so they attempted both and the result is a weak rival and a weak character that doesn't go beyond "meta commentary". She is supposed to subvert her very personality, the obnoxious "haha i'm so badass and kewl, cower before me!" mask that Starline imposed on her in his attempt to recreate Sonic, but in reality she never does, so she's just... obnoxious on top of being incompetent but shilled despite it. But I can see the depths she's meant to have, and it's sad that she was prevented from showing them. My biggest issue with her will always be how she was used to turn Sonic into the most detestable preachiest prick in the world.

Lanolin is a bad character that we're meant to find admirable. Lanolin was turned overnight into a bossy, arrogant, disdainful, exasperated soldier without any solid credential but still believing she has the right to treat Tangle like a brat, talk down to Silver like she was his mom, and even physically assault Whisper for a misunderstanding, all because she'd rather coddle a newbie than even begin to listen to a veteran. She vaguely mentions that she's aware of being bossy and she'd like to change, but she has gone past the point of being bossy and she's actively a bad leader, but no one calls her out for it and we're just meant to shake our head because poow widdle lanolin will be betrayed aww don't you feel bad that her trust will be crushed and she beat whisper down for nothing 🥺

"Oh but maybe Lanolin has PTSD from the MV apocalypse and this is why she's such a control freak and hates being touched!" and I can get behind this headcanon! But Whisper has PTSD as well and Lanolin doesn't give a shit about that, in fact she even seems to consider her fears less worthy of concern because of it, as if Whisper's trauma makes her irrational and erratic. So I have no sympathy.

Lanolin has hands down the better design though lol.

[weixuldo]

Enigma// ch 24 pt 1

anakin x reader

A/N: slowly but surely making updates to this big boy lmfaoo!! this takes place like late july- I hope you all enjoy it!!

It's the anniversary of Anakin's accident (his alive day) and his birthday is right around the corner, how will things pan out now that you're here?

warnings: cursing, self hatred, depressive thoughts, mention of hospitals, ani is a disabled veteran, ptsd

_____________________________

Before Anakin, you had never met someone with two special events associated with them; but this month Anakin not only got to celebrate his birthday but also his “alive day” anniversary. Both events were within a few days of each other. 

You were excited to be able to celebrate the significant events with him, but you couldn’t help but feel a little sad- this time of year was probably hard for him and you didn’t want to misstep and trigger a bad response.

Today was Anakin’s “alive day” which was the anniversary of the explosion, he hadn't said anything about it or brought it up at all, so you didn’t either.

Currently, he was sitting with his eyes closed on the couch and you were horizontal on the couch with your legs over his as he sat upright. 

Originally you were going to take him out for a nice dinner, but when he woke this morning, his liver was giving him trouble; mainly sharp pains and a general sense of discomfort. So instead you opted for a relaxing day inside. 

The air conditioning was on full blast; it was like a furnace outside, apparently a record breaking heat wave was passing through. 

Today he proclaimed it too hot to even wear a shirt so his whole chest was on display; you laid back against the armrest and observed his beauty. 

His sandy hair looked quite nice against his tanning skin- the summer sun brought him golden skin and a small arrangement of freckles.

You, on the other hand, felt like a total cow; your bump was the biggest it had been- like Maker, this baby must be huge! And the heat wasn't helping with the fact that you already were constantly warm.

Though, every morning Anakin would kiss you and your stomach and tell you how beautiful you were. His soft lips reassured you that you had no reason to feel that way and to remember that you were carrying his and your child; a wonderful thing. 

He pulled out a photo album that had a bunch of photos from his time in the military to the accident and his recovery. 

“Ben and Ahsoka made me this for one of my “celebrations” a while back” he said handing you the book, “you can look through it if you want- sorry I can’t tell you much about half of the photos though, A Lot of that is a blur now.” 

You took the book but hesitated to open it, “are you sure? I don’t want to pry-”

He placed one of his polycarbonate hands over your warm one and shook his head. 

“I want to share it with you” he assured and you smiled, opening the cover.

You were greeted with a large photo of a younger Anakin resting his chin on his hand and a wide smile on his face. Around the photo was text that read “Happy Anakin Week!” in bubble letters (most likely done by Ahsoka). 

You observed the photo; he looked around your age, maybe a few years older- his hair was a little longer with a few strands ending near the base of his neck. His eyes were the same beautiful blue that you were fond of looking into- mainly the only differences were the smile lines that formed at the corners of his eyes and his mouth. 

He looked adorably happy in the photo, an expression that was few and far between for him… an expression you had only seen when the two of you were alone.

Pure happiness.

The throwback picture of your lover captivated your attention, never before had you seen younger photos of him (and this did not disappoint).

You barely realized that you were still on the first picture when his voice registered in your ear.

“See what you missed out on?” he joked, but there was a twinge of self loathing in his statement. 

You paid him no heade and continued to the next page. There were a series of pictures depicting the process of him getting his hair cut for the army.

The first one, where he still had his long hair, showed an exaggeratedly wide eyed and grimacing Anakin waiting for the barber to begin. Then next were pics of the cutting process until the last one debuted his freshly cut hair and a winking Anakin. 

You giggled, he seemed to be a funny guy. (not that he wasn’t now, but his humor had definitely changed since then). 

The next page was full of pictures of him and Ben in their uniforms just goofing around with other soldiers. 

You weren’t the fondest of military men, but Anakin looked dashing. 

As you flipped through the pages you found yourself engrossed by the memories you didn’t share. 

Suddenly the photos from base camp shifted to the gloomy setting of a hospital. The first picture on the new page was the picture that was taken recently after the explosion. 

His hospital bed was in the center of the frame and all of the machines keeping him alive surrounded it. The next few were closer ups; his heavily bandaged limbs, his unconscious face with a breathing tube coming out of his mouth, and all of his newly formed scars. 

The next page depicted Anakin’s first week awake- he looked weak and miserable… but he still tried to keep a smile on his face. 

There was a beautiful young woman next to him in the photo on the bottom left, she had her arms draped around his shoulders and a smile on her face. Her wavy brown hair framed her face beautifully and her smile was radiant. This must’ve been Padme.

Kinda weird to see a political giant in an old pic with your boyfriend…well, whatever you two were. 

An odd feeling creeped into your stomach; Anakin was with her before you- he experienced many of his firsts with her… 

…Were you jealous?

Shrugging off your feelings you turned to the next page and saw a picture with a bunch of military men crowded around Anakin’s bed holding all types of cutesy stuffed animals and little kid’s cards.

“What's all this?” you asked.

He told you that after his accident a few of his battalion members were allowed into his hospital room to leave birthday gifts for him.

“They thought it would be funny to bring me a bunch of stuffed animals- I still have ‘em too, they are somewhere around here” he said, looking around.  

“That's really sweet”. 

He nodded in response as you continued flipping. 

The next few pages were dedicated to pictures of him in physical therapy (looking very unhappy). These were before he had his prosthetics, so his limbs were all padded and wrapped in bandages and the scars on his skin were much more noticeable. 

He observed the page from the corner of his eye and scoffed, “not very pretty, was it?”. 

You frowned, of course you thought he was handsome regardless of what he felt he looked like. 

The rest of the pages were just pictures of him with different people at his “welcome home” party after being discharged from the hospital. 

You were blown away from all of the memories you got to see;  he truly was a lucky man. 

“This is such a momentous event you get to celebrate Ani” you said, closing the book. 

“Not many people get to celebrate a second shot at life”.

He nodded and exhaled through his nose, “yea”.

He took a sip of the soda he had by his side (it was in a glass bottle to give him the familiarity of a beer bottle- it was a tactic to wean him off of the substance). 

“Doesn’t matter much anymore though” he said solemnly

“What?” you asked. 

He looked towards you and cocked a brow, “I got this ‘grand’ second shot and I blew it. It’s coming to an end because of decisions I have made” he shook his head with a disbelieving smile. 

“What a fuck up” he said to himself. 

You frowned, you knew there was nothing you could say to make him feel better, but you’d be damned if you didn’t try. 

“You didn’t fuck up Anakin, circumstances just… werent ideal. But hey, you got us out of that “second shot” you smiled, rubbing your bump.

His eyes gazed at your stomach before finding yours and smiling softly.

“Yea, I got something I never thought I would be able to have.” He placed a gentle hand atop of the bump.

“Thank you, y/n. Thank you for being here” he said, bringing you into his embrace. 

You were caught off guard by the sudden affection, but embraced it with open arms happily. 

“I love you” he whispered (barely audible) into your neck before tightening his hug. 

A smile found its way onto your face and in your head, you returned the three words…..you did. 

You still loved him. 

***

a/n: they r healing!! hopefully ani will keep an open mind and open heart :) thanks for reading and for being patient with me!

taglist @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimone12 @fallinlovewithevil @sythe-skywalker

[marvelslut16]

Acquaint Yourself With The Avengers

Prompt number: 29 "That's all? Easy."

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!reader

Rating: E(veryone)

Word count: 4.2k+

Warnings: Maybe some swearing. Slow Burn? Reality TV show hate. Bucky (and readers') self hatred. Talk of death.

A/N: Hey guys! I feel like I've been gone forever- work is killing me! But I'm back for Fictober and I'm really hoping I'll finally do the whole month. This is part 1 of 2 I think- but I'm open to writing more in this universe. Part two will be up in a few days if not tomorrow. I have never watched a reality TV show, so please bare with me for the mistakes I no doubt made.

“This has to be a joke,” you deadpan, throwing the joke of a contract onto the table in front of you. Steve murmurs in agreement on your left, and an increasingly uncomfortable Bucky shifts in his seat to Steve’s left. “Tony, reality shows are crap. What were you thinking?”

“This is coming from higher up than me,” he rubs his temples, giving away his exasperation. Over the years Tony started to slowly step out of the spotlight, no longer seeking out media coverage. “It’s directly from Fury, and the few Congress members that are still on our side. Since the Accord drama our ratings have been dipping, we need them to see that underneath it all we’re just human.”

“And if I don’t agree to it?” your voice hardens as you have a staring contest with the billionaire. 

“Then you’re out.”

“So you’re telling me if I don’t exploit my life, if we all don’t exploit our lives- we’re kicked to the curb. Just like that? Years of work and helping people just flushed down the toilet?” you’re on the verge of angry tears.

Your mother had drilled into your brain since you were a young impressionable child, that reality shows were trash, that they did more harm than good. The worse things people did on these shows the more famous they got, it teaches young children that they’ll get rewarded for their bad behavior. You wonder what she would think of you now, about to agree to become that trash just so you can continue to help the people that are bound to talk shit about each and every one of your friends online. 

“I agree with (Y/N/N),” Steve finally speaks up, quickly glancing at Bucky’s clenched fists. “Bucky shouldn’t be subjected to having twenty cameras shoved in his face, not so soon after rejoining society.”

It’s been a month since Bucky came to live with everyone at the newly built compound, he had spent the previous three months after the Accords in Wakanda receiving the best help Shuri could provide. You wouldn’t say that you and Bucky are friends, but you two are definitely friendlier than he is with most of the team. You’ve never pushed him to talk, you two can sit in peaceful silence, something Sam does regularly because of his experience with PTSD and the benefits of talking about it. 

“You’re just worried that more people are going to start speculating that you're dating him,” Sam joins the conversation, referencing the newest gossip article published today. Some ‘news’ site wrote a fifteen paragraph article speculating on a non-existent romance between the super soldiers, stemming from one single photo of Steve standing half in front of Bucky and pushing a camera out of his face on the way into a restaurant- for a team dinner. 

“On the topic of relationships, I don’t really want a bunch of cameras in mine and Clint’s,” Natasha speaks up from the other side of the table, Clint nods along.

“The last thing people need is hours of footage of Vis and me to analyze and bully us about, I already get enough judgment and hate,” Wanda adds, crossing her arms over her chest. Vis rests a comforting hand on her soldier, he’s learned enough about human emotions- especially Wanda’s- to know not to add anything. 

“You guys are overreacting,” Sam rolls his eyes. “Plus this could be a good time to promote things we’re passionate about, like group therapy for Veterans.” 

“It sounds fun,” Thor booms, you roll your eyes. No one will say anything about him, he’s conventionally attractive, has a sexy accent, and he’s a literal God. He has nothing but adoring fans. 

“All publicity is good publicity,” Tony grimaces. “We can’t go any lower, we’re already at the bottom of the barrel.”

“Peter’s lucky he’s a minor and anonymous,” you pout, out of the corner of your eye you can see Bucky crack a small smile. With that one final comment you're signing the contract, because at the end of the day you’ll do whatever it takes to be able to help those in need. Everyone has a similar vein of thought, all signing their own contracts. 

Later that night you're sitting in the living room with Bucky, the News is playing in the background, but neither of you had been paying it any mind. You’re too focused on coming up with worst case scenarios about the impending reality show. Bucky can practically hear the gears whirring in your head, he keeps glancing over at you to make sure you're okay. Not that you notice because you're too wrapped up in your own little world. 

“What if they edit it to make one of us the villain?” you ask out of nowhere, this is the first time you’ve broken the peaceful silence in the months you’ve been sitting with him. “Sorry, forget I said anything, I’m gonna head to bed.”

“It’ll be me,” Bucky whispers when you stand up from the couch. “They’ll take this opportunity to show everyone what a monster I am.”

“You aren’t a monster Bucky,” you squat down in front of him when you see that he’s staring at his lap. “You can’t be blamed for what Hydra made you do. And anyway, they usually pick an unsuspecting person on one of these shows and edit it so their words and actions are all twisted. They ruin people’s characters, not make hard hitting political statements.”

“You think they’ll target you?” he asks it like it’s a question, but it’s more of a statement. 

“Yeah I do,” you sigh, standing up and plopping on the couch beside Bucky for the first time. “I’m mysterious, or at least that’s what Tony and Peter keep telling me. I don’t have a big social media presence, I do my best to avoid the paparazzi when I go out, and I very rarely speak at press conferences. If they don’t make me the villain, I’m worried they’ll hyperfocus on me until I slip up and become one.”

“I think it’ll be Vision, since he’s a robot,” Bucky adds after a minute of silence, and you can’t help but smile at him.”

Before you know it, Wednesday rolls around, and the fifteen person crew shows up to invade your lives. You start to get overwhelmed by the ten cameras they are setting up, two in a confessional area, and the other three in the living room where you are all supposed to do your opening scripted talk- where Tony will explain why you guys are doing the reality show Acquaint Yourself With The Avengers. On top of those cameras, the crew are setting up hidden and security cameras to catch the action when they aren’t there filming on the main ones. Once you're all seated on the couches- your stuffed between Bucky and Sam- the PA, Alice, comes over to talk to you all.

“So filming will happen Thursday through Tuesday most weeks, unless a big event falls on an off day, crew leaves by ten PM at the latest, and the hidden cameras will go dormant after midnight. No children will be in the final product- as requested by Scott, we can evaluate on a case by case basis if any of the rest of you choose to have children down the line and want to show them. Are there any questions?” she asks, but gives a look that screams not to ask any. “Well if there aren’t any, we should get to shooting, we’re already twenty minutes behind.”

You say your two scripted lines in the beginning scene and then zone out through the rest, you’re a little worried your face will give your lack of enthusiasm away, but none of the crew says anything so you assume you're fine. Soon enough, you're dismissed, but not allowed to go far because the first interviews for all of you are about to take place in the dining room. You and Bucky both stay firmly planted on the couch while most of the others go to the kitchen to get something to drink, or lurk in the dining room to watch said interviews- Steve being the first to be interviewed. 

“Just act like the camera’s aren't there,” you say unhelpfully when you notice his gaze shifting uneasily from one camera to the next. In reality you too are struggling with them watching you from every possible angle. 

“That’s all? Easy,” Bucky deadpans, a laugh bursts out of your mouth and his eyes twinkle.

“Did you just make a joke,” you laugh again, this time far quieter. For the first time since the camera crew arrived you forget they’re there, too lost in this one real moment with Bucky, too lost in his gorgeous crystal blue eyes. It’s the first time you’ve ever seen him let his guard down with anyone other than Steve. 

“And if I did?” he asks playfully, leaning in closer to you, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

“Then I’d say do it more often, it’s a good look on you,” you grin back at him, and you're only broken out of your trance when Alice calls for Tony. 

She calls you after Tony, hair and makeup come rushing over to give tiny last minute adjustments to your appearance after you're seated in front of a ring light. You start to fidget with the hem of your shirt as the PA flips through her paper to get to her list of questions about you, the suspense just making your anxiety skyrocket.

“To start off we’re just going to ask some easy and basic questions to get you warmed up. So (Y/N), you’ve been with the Avengers since it was first formed, tell us what that’s been like, and make sure you put the question in your answer.”

“I’ve been with the Avengers since 2011, I was the second one Director Fury recruited, right after Tony. I’ve loved all of the good deeds we have been able to do for people all over the world, and I’ve made some lifelong friendships too. It’s amazing being able to do something you love with the people you love.” 

“Good good,” Alice nods, looking down at her questions. “Now tell us how you feel about all of the new auditions to the team since then, and don’t hold back.”

“We’ve had some pretty great people join since the seven of us were originally put together, not only are they good, friendly people, but they are also all very skilled at what they do. I love watching the team grow, it just means that we have more skills and manpower to be able to help even more people,” Alice rolls her eyes at your response.

“For this next part we’re going to put up article headlines talking about how you’re the most private Avenger, even more so than Natasha. So just tell us why you’re so private.”

“There isn’t all that much to say, I’m just a private person,” Alice makes a keep going gesture from behind the camera. “I’ve always been pretty private and I was only thrust into the limelight when I joined the Avengers Initiative. I do my job to help people not to get recognition, that’s what my career has always been about. I never felt the need to post a lot of selfies online or make a tweet about the workout I just did. People are allowed to do those things, and there’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve just never understood why people would care what I’m doing in my day to day life.”

“Do you feel safe in the compound?” the question comes out of left field and you aren’t sure why it’s being brought up.

“Of course I feel safe! I’m in a highly secured compound with my fellow Avengers, there’s nothing safer.”

“One last question, everyone is dying to know, what’s your relationship status?” Alice even seems like she’s interested in the answer.

“Like I said before, I am a very private person, but I suppose I could answer this. For the whole two people wondering about my relationship status, I am single at the moment. I’ve just been really focusing on my job, and I’ve learned that people don’t necessarily like coming second to my job and my friends.”

“Thank you,” Alice smiles. “Can you send Bucky over next?”

You do as you’re told, search out Bucky and send him on his way to the dining room. Instead of heading to sweet freedom, your room, you loiter and watch Bucky’s intro interview. “Sergeant Barnes, what has it been like joining the Avengers and how has everyone treated you?”

“It’s been okay and mostly everyone-” Bucky gets cut off by Alice.

“Make sure you put the question in your answer.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bucky is clearly starting to get agitated with all of the focus and cameras on him.

“Say something like joining the Avengers has been really good, it’s helping me get better with teamwork again blah blah blah. The team has welcomed me in and it’s reminiscent of my time in the Army, something like that,” Bucky gives one nod, turning back to the camera in front of him. 

“Joining the Avengers has been really good, it’s helping me get better with teamwork again,” you bring your hands to your mouth to stifle your laugh at Bucky repeating you word for word. “The team has welcomed me in and it’s reminiscent of my time in the Army.”

“Okay,” Alice draws the word out at Bucky’s lack of originality. “Who would you say your best friends on the team are?”

“Steve,” Bucky responds without thinking, and Alice tells him to mention at least one other person. “Other than Steve, probably (Y/N).” 

You're shocked, but flattered, by his response. Sure, he may have just said that because you were right there and staring at him, but maybe he meant it. Maybe all of those nights on the couch with him meant something to him.

“Oh really?” asks, clearly liking whatever spin she’ll eventually put on this conversation in editing. 

“Yeah, she um, she was the first one to really welcome me and spend time with me,” he rubs his neck nervously. 

“Just like (Y/N), you’re really private too,” you take a step forward seeing that the questioning is starting to put Bucky on edge. 

“Cause it’s no one's business,” Alice, thankfully, doesn’t push. 

“Are you ever worried you may do something to put your team members in danger?”

That’s enough!” your voice comes out firmer and louder than you imagined it would, drawing the attention of the rest of the Avengers. “Bucky isn’t going to sith there and take your abuse, his interview is done.”

You hold your hand out to him, and he jumps to grasp it, gripping it like it’s his lifeline. You’ve never touched Bucky before, and you keep your brain from running at how warm and nice his right hand feels in your own. You lead him out of the room, away from the prying eyes, and the now constant camera presence. You pull Bucky to your favorite room in the compound, the library. You deposit him on the comfy chaise lounge in the middle of the room while you go grab two books. You come back with Harry Potter for you, and The Hobbit for him, you had heard him talking to Steve about the movies once and learned he read it back in the day. 

Little do you know, the littlest action of knowing Bucky’s favorite book on top of the way you stood up for him out there means more to Bucky than he’ll ever know how to express. It thaws his frozen heart just a little.

[mysteryflavorsoda]

Rurik Liderc and the stereotype of the broken (but sexy) anti-hero

(and how it makes him worse as a character)

Heyy, I'm back, kind of! This is my first actual rant, so I'm sorry if it's a bit boring or confusing. Feel free to ask me anything! This is just something that I've always had looming in the back of my mind, and I really want to talk about it. 

In October 2005, Pop Punk band Green Day released their seventh studio album, American Idiot. It follows the life of the central character, Jesus Of Suburbia, a middle-lower-class all-American teen who hates his town and pretty much everything. He's pretentious, a rebel, angsty; a faithless, working-class man who hates the system he's placed in, screaming for the rebels living in post-2000s America. It comes as no surprise, then, that @angeutblogo's Lasser would inspire her iconic character, Rurik Lidérc, off the song that describes this main character.

As the years went by, Rurik gained more and more traits, hobbies, a story, friends, and of course, multiple lovers. As it is today, you could call him a multifaceted character- I'm here to say that this perhaps might've been his downfall, too. As it stands, Rurik is a badly constructed character, where new information contradicts old information and traits that are not in line with the logic set upon him initially are imposed. It seems that the creators try and stuff him to the brim with different exciting ideas, but ultimately end up getting a messy clump of characteristics that results in many users having to redefine him with headcannons and rereadings, myself included, because he ends up being so confusing.

First, Rurik being a US Army veteran is one of the biggest pillars in his personality. Although not a lot of information is revealed about that part of his life specifically and the effects it had on him, we can deduce that it greatly affected him in more than one way, changing him fundamentally; PTSD. A prime example is that Lasser has stated that he has an aversion to loud noises, such as fireworks and thunder, but then proceeds to state that it only makes him have a minimal response of being "more alert". How can he be fundamentally changed as a person due to trauma and still only suffer minor damage? Are the creators afraid of making a character that's fully and realistically traumatized by war because it would compromise his appealing "sexy bad boy" nature? But then, that very nature is driven forward by the very fact that he's traumatized, that he's "angsty". It just confuses me how posts speaking of his trauma are immediately followed by posts describing his kinks and hypersexuality, and descriptions of his mental state are switched out for retellings of future events where "everything is all right finally", not bothering to make him go through the process of recovery, and research of trauma responses or toxic relationships is traded for discussions of what motorbike he has. It almost seems like the creators want him to be many different things that cancel each other out.

Thus, this contradiction leads us to the next point: Dante and Rurik have an open relationship, despite Rurik being shown to be possessive and emotionally immature. Rurik is, in simple terms, a manchild at times, stalking Dante when he feels like it, being insecure, and being sad by small things Dante says, in addition to threatening his exes. Those are toxic, insecure behaviours, of course, but it gets brushed off as "oh, but it ends in them sexually punishing each other" (going into how their relationship is sexualized, but that's a topic for another day), which in itself is contradicting because it's written to be a healthy relationship that's good for the both of them. And yet, we get bombarded with recounts of Dante being toxic to Rurik and vice-versa. He's also said to get extremely uncomfortable when Dante flirts with other women because he "can't compare", so how on earth could they have an open relationship without constant interventions and fights?

I believe that, if Rurik is insecure, it would naturally cause him to believe that Dante is replacing him if he flirted with another person. This is because he has a fragile ego, and people like him tend to fall into that insecurity (speaking out of experience and my interest in human psychology), and it would lead to constant fights, doubts, manipulation, and overall a bona fide toxic couple. Perhaps even worse than Lurik, as Dante is constantly described as psychopathic and manipulative, even to Rurik himself. They're shown to kind of fix everything with sex and "punishments", downplaying the other's insecurities and genuine feelings and promoting unhealthy dynamics. Rurik is not written to be someone who could have an open relationship that would be fair to himself and Dante, and yet, they push on, because of course they do; they are entirely centred around having sex, after all.

So, where am I going with all this? In all the glamourized media that we see, there's a strong tendency to try and make perfect characters. Rurik Lidérc is broken, angsty, insecure, and repressed, but that doesn't get in his way at all! All he wants is sex, drugs, and rock and roll. He reminds me of James Hurley from Twin Peaks: his conflict can be so well-explored, his trauma could be so fleshed out and the effects of trauma on the human mind could have given us a beautiful story of redemption, of growth, of understanding. But God, he just keeps making out with Donna all the damn time, and the camera always focuses on him like he's in a Playboy magazine. The realism, the beauty, the relatability- it's all sacrificed for middle schoolers to ogle at him and go "Wow, he's so misunderstood! I could fix him!". But that comes at the cost of a character that has the full potential to be truly amazing, as I've seen with my friends in the fandom.

When you look at Rurik Lidérc, he comes across as well-researched because he's traumatized, but it doesn't take long before you realize that that's quite a far-fetched idea. It seems like he's just a list of ideas and randomness that no one bothers to organize, and that deeply saddens me because I've seen the interesting directions he could be taken in, and I just wish the love and care put into this character also shined through through the creators.

[cositapreciosa]

You & Me

Gilbert 'Gilly' Lopez x gn!reader, (murder/dead body, nothing graphic tho, ptsd? hardships and hard time, vibes are Gilly's veteran's storyline in the show) the usual for the show, 2307 words

a/n : as DJ Khaled once said : another one. You & Me is a Yelawolf song that slaps so

A follow up of this one can be read part 1.2 here and part 2 here !

Tagging the people I won't stop bothering about this new blorbo obsession @narcolini @drabbles-mc

As always it's the fictional, not the real deal, enjoy xx (do I have to add this for Mayans too or? Plz don't kiss people who shot people? You get it.)

You hadn’t seen him in months, not before you had seen him again at Jacob's birthday party at least, it had been weeks since then. You knew he wouldn’t be mad that you came knocking, found his address the only way you knew how, like the good old days. You were always closest to him, throughout it all, recruits, being shipped out, Mosul, coming back in pieces after everything. You had tried to stay close with them at the beginning, fix the pieces of the puzzle, go to those forced mental-health meetings the army thought were necessary, birthdays or nights out on the town. Even so, it always felt like too much. Too much noise, too many people, too many questions about everything that kept you awake at night. Too many pieces that couldn’t be put back like the others could. You just couldn’t see them as much after that, after you had realized they reminded you every day about what was wrong with you, what you couldn’t fix. You had missed him, of course, oh so much, but every time you stayed too long it felt like you were dragging them all down with you.

You knock on the door, knuckles on the paint. You know it is probably a bad thing, coming unannounced in the middle of the night, but you can’t seem to care. Before you could realize it, you had driven your car to his street, slowing down to read the numbers on the door, finally stopping in front of it. It’s a quaint building, with a nice white door, windows on each side. It didn’t look how you had imagined it and you had, so many times, wished to leave whatever shit show you had gotten yourself into this time. Run back to him. You don’t understand how you managed to escape one hell, only to get yourself trapped in another so quickly. So many hours spent training, fighting for your life, only to fall for a goddamn-

He opens the door, chain pulling between the frames. The porch is dark, barely lit, but you can see the surprise on his face, the confusion as your name falls from his lips. Guilt builds in your chest, panic clawing at your throat.

‘’ Hey, Gil. ‘’

It’s all you can manage, a small smile tugging at your lips, a peace offering. You know you don’t have to explain, that he understands, clearly you are not showing up this late for a beer and a chat. He moves behind the opened door, probably tucking in his waistband whatever gun he had snatched on his way to investigate the noise. He tugs the chain off, opening the door wider this time. You can see him looking around the street, ensuring it is only you and him. You feel like you can’t breathe like you are doing something you shouldn’t, even though you know this is precisely what you should be doing.

‘’ Are you alright? How did you get my… ‘’ You can hear the concern in his voice, see the confusion on his face as he trails off. His beard is shorter than the last time you had seen him, trimmed around the edges. You probably woke him up, you realize.

‘’ Are you doubting my skills now, ranger? ‘’

You want it to sound like a joke, you really do, but it lands flat, your voice is hoarse, tired, adrenaline wearing off. If he noticed it, he doesn’t tell you. He is not pushing you away, yet, and tonight, for the first time, you feel like you can really let your guard down. You take a deep breath, a shaky one, a sad one.

‘’ I hope I didn’t wake you. ‘’ Your voice is small, vulnerable. ‘’ I- ‘’

I need your help. It hurts to say it, to even think about it, and you can’t get the words out. They get stuck in your throat with all the sorry’s you owe him, the apologies you never gave him. His eyes are soft on you, deep brown eyes that always made you feel at home. That is when he notices it, the blood on your bottom lip, a straight cut, already swollen and purple where the fist had hit. His shoulders push back, finally awake, and you know he is ready to fight. You can tell his arms are tensing underneath his shirt, you can see how hard his gaze has become.

‘’ Who did this to you? ‘’

He takes a step towards you, towering over you, his hand moving your jaw to the side to try and see it better in the low light.

‘’ I took care of it, ‘’ You sigh. ‘’, but I need a favour. A big one, Gil. ‘’

You hesitate to tell him, to ask him to do this with you, for you. You know what he has been doing since he got back, joining the not-so-legal motorcycle club. Something about it being the closest it felt to being back in the field. It had been your lives for so long, breathing it, fighting for it, day and night, every second of it.

‘’ Tell me. ‘’

You can smell the detergent from his clothes, taste on your tongue what is left of the cigarette he had before bed. His hand is warm against your cheek, a nice contrast from the cold night. His thumb is caressing beneath your jaw, where the skin hasn’t bruised yet, and you can’t recall the last time you had been touched like this, slow, meaningful. You had missed this, him.

You take a quick look in the dark living room, past his shoulder, maybe he is not alone like you originally thought. You know Rae and Jacob haven’t been staying at their home lately, and Paul had told you that she had stayed a couple of nights at Gil’s. They must still be in the house when he gently presses you a few steps back, closing the door behind him. You really want to believe that it’s because of them, that he does this to keep their minds at ease, not to worry them about what mess you got yourself into this time. You don’t want to believe it might be because of someone else, that maybe he has someone now, someone he didn’t tell you about. He speaks again, gently coaxing it out of you.

‘’ You’re good, I got you. Tell me. ‘’

‘’ I took care of it, ‘’ You continue. Of him. ‘’ He’s in the trunk. ‘’

‘’ He’s in the what, now? ‘’

His hand falls from your jaw, landing in a strong grip where your neck meets the shoulder. It is not meant to hurt, and it doesn’t, you know it is mostly to keep you here, keep you from running away like you usually do. You know he would never let you deal with this on your own, you can’t turn around now, you have to face this.

‘’ I put him in the- ‘’

‘’ The trunk, yeah, I got that. ‘’

You swallow, and it doesn’t feel natural, like your muscles are clenching too hard to make the action happen. You bring a gentle hand to his forearm, taking in the heat that immediately covers your fingertips, the softness of the black shirt under your palm. You look back at him.

‘’ He deserved it, I swear. Gil, I- ‘’ Fuck.

You know there are tears in your eyes, you can’t help it. This whole thing makes you feel like a child, like you just got back from Iraq. You had always been able to be vulnerable with him, he would listen and listen until you had nothing to say anymore, nothing left to cry. A warm hand on your back, fingers in your hair.

‘’ Hey. I’ll take care of this. I know he did. ‘’

You know he doesn’t get it today, he couldn’t possibly, but you let him say it, let it justify your action, the blood that is still drying under your nails.

‘’ Let me make a few calls, okay? ‘’

You nod. You trust him, utterly and completely, with your safety, your life.

And so the both of you wait, seated shoulder to shoulder on the stairs of his porch. Gil's hand is warm on your knee, caressing the skin that peeks out of your distressed jeans. He wants you to stop bouncing your leg, you know it, it has always bothered him, how your stress showed up in micro-movements. You're making me nervous, ranger.

They come for your car fifteen minutes later, all leather cuts, no motorcycles and a single van. Coco, he tells you his name as he asks for your car keys. When you give it to him with a shaking hand, he tells you that everything is going to be fine, they'll take care of it. You believe him, you believe him because you trust Gil and he trusts them, but still, it feels like you are imposing, even when you know they have probably done this many times before.

Coco looks at Gil, a silent conversation you are not a part of, he notices his hand on your thigh, your busted lip.

‘’ We’re taking care of this, cariño. You're safe now. ‘’ Coco tells you.

You want to believe him, you really do. They leave after that, one car following the other, your secret with them. Yours and Gil's and theirs.

‘’ Don’t make a habit of this. ‘’

Gil’s eyes are back on you. He is joking, and it's funny, you laugh, but it doesn't come out like you want, choked in the throat.

‘’ I'm sorry, Gil. I know we haven't been talking much lately. I- ’’

He stops you, a large hand pressing the skin of your thigh.

‘’ Stop it. Whatever you need, you call, I'll answer. ‘’

You sigh and you allow your head to fall to his shoulder. You can’t remember the last time you had been this close, but it feels like you never left, a random night in a world where none of this would have happened. You thank him because there are no other words to make this right. You want to tell him that you owe him, that you will repent until this debt is paid, until he says you did enough to earn it back. His nose is in your hair and you can feel his chest move up and down with every breath. It had never been about that with him, he always took what you gave, broken pieces, burning ashes, wrapping it all up and giving it back to you fixed. You don’t remember when you started crying, silently sobbing against his arm, but he doesn’t mention it. He holds you, caressing your back with a hand, bringing you closer with the other one.

‘’ Stay with me tonight. ‘’ He whispers in your hair, ‘’ I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t. ‘’

That makes you cry harder. Deep inside of you, something is being fixed, an old war wound that had been buried for so long. I will, you tell him, just for tonight.

He doesn’t believe you, he knows you will get up from the bed the second he falls asleep, take your car that now smells like bleach and citrus, and ride out into the morning, away from him once again. When he rolls to your side of the bed in the morning, finding it cold and empty, he knew he was right. He was used to it, of course, a weird, silent arrangement between you two, that you would never be able to stay put for too long, but today, it hurts, pains him in a way it had never before.

‘’ ‘morning. ‘’

You pass the bathroom door that connects directly to his bedroom. Your hair is still damp from the shower, wearing a new set of his clothes on your back. He doesn’t say it back, he can’t, not when he suddenly doesn’t remember how to breathe, not when he can’t believe you actually stayed the night this time. You are here, and he is staring, he can’t look away.

‘’ I hope I didn’t wake you up. ‘’ You begin, ‘’ I just really wanted a shower, and then I heard Jacob in the kitchen, I… ‘’

You stop then, and he can tell that you have realized too, what he is thinking, why his eyes can leave your form. You try to speak again and explain, anything, but it doesn’t come out. Maybe there is no reason why today you chose to stay, out of all the others you could have. He can hear Rae in the living room, the sound of pans and the french toast that is being cooked in the kitchen. You silently walk to his side of the bed, offering him your hand. You smell like his soap and fresh coffee. He takes a deep breath as he reaches up for your palm, fingers lacing with your own as you finally swallow the lump in your throat.

‘’ Just for today then, yeah? ‘’

Your eyes are soft when he looks up, your smile meeting his own, already bright, unable to stop it from hurting his cheeks. Of course, he says, just for today. As many as you would like.

[nogoawaytism]

My second thingy for Nitpick November, because I'm not gonna do this consistently the way God intended.

It's just so... interesting to hear RWBY stans bitch about any sort of criticism regarding how certain male characters are treated. Apparently if any of us commit the unforgiveable sin of saying something like "I wish Sun/Adam/Mercury/Ironwood was treated better by the narrative + explored the unique themes that are a part of their identity as characters." rwby stans freak the fuck out and start whining about how RWDE only wants a show about a white male character. And I'm like

*looks at the vast majority of the cast, especially the heroes*

*looks at V9*

It's just so... interesting how these double standards work, because I guess a white male character getting the spotlight is ok when it's Miles's self-insert.

Meanwhile, Sun has a Chinese allusion despite being a blonde, Ironwood was modeled after Jason Rose who is half Asian (Oh wait, I bet we don't count mixed people). Interesting.

Also, Sun is an established, in-universe minority, an abuse victim thanks to Blake, which is frequently downplayed because Blake is a girl and a main character, and is therefore perfect, and Sun is evil because he isn't psychic, and expressed attraction to a main character. How evil.

Also, Ironwood is a veteran with PTSD facing a horrible situation, a triple amputee, and the only one of the cast who actually has a feasible plan. Oh wait, losing his arm made him lose his humanity, what an evil bastard. He probably lost over half his body on purpose.

Also, Adam is an established, in-universe minority, a former child slave, who has the SCHNEE FUCKING DUST COMPANY logo burned onto his fucking face. Adam should be a good faunus, and not complain at all about faunus oppression, otherwise he's a fucking nazi.

Also, Mercury was trained for an extremely dangerous job as a young child, and abused so badly to the point where he LOST BOTH LEGS. Man, white men really do be the worst.

Yes, two of these characters are villains, and yes, we should hold people accountable for their actions instead of inborn characteristics. Oh wait, y'all already did that when you bitched about them being "white men", while almost every important non-white character has been presented as a villain at some point, and the two non-white characters in our main cast, Ren and Oscar get treated so poorly compared to the other heroes. Sure, complain about how RWDE "wants to center white men" while Ren's mental state and feelings are invalidated at every turn. Sure, complain about how RWDE "wants to center white men" while Oscar the literal child that got dragged into this war is constantly the one bearing the brunt of physical abuse that we haven't seen our other characters experience + half of that physical abuse is by characters who ARE heroes and by Hazel who got the last-minute redemption treatment. Sure, complain about how RWDE "wants to center white men" while y'all treat this show like the best shit to happen to media since Charles Dickens when *checks notes* it's written by white men, which isn't inherently bad in my opinion, but in this case they write every fucking issue in this show in such an insensitive light, and are still horrible xenophobic people. Miles and Kerry ARE stereotypical horrible white men, but y'all still defend their stupid writing while bitching about white men abused by the narrative.

Oh, and might I add: the fuckers saying this stan Coco. I wonder what her allusion is.

So you mean to tell me, that expressing just a little bit of tact about Adam being a branded child slave, or Ironwood losing three limbs and being traumatized, or Mercury being abused and losing his legs, is super duper evil, but this Nazi insert is an absolute slay queen. Y'all really made a doodoo with this one, whoopsies!

Anyway, take the historic moment before Mercury rightfully whooped this Discord light mode-looking mf who's also a Nazi:

[hypergamiss]

A co worker of mine told me a story about her friend who was chewed up and spit out by this European woman who just wanted American citizenship. They dated for 3 years, he bought a house for her, planned a wedding in less than a month, and in 3 weeks she had him served at his job with divorce papers. I guess, he's not taking it well at all. He's a 40 year old veteran who already had a messed up psyche from ptsd and what she did to him was the icing on the cake. My co worker said that he disappeared after she humiliated him and he's been hard to keep track of since then.

The gold digger in me is in awe of that woman's savagery but at the same time I low-key feel bad for him because she used the hell out of him. I'm really on the fence about it and I've been asking myself if I have the balls to pull off such an elaborate stunt and destroy someone's mental health and reputation like that. This woman is now making like $300k a year and had time to make up this whole plan while she was working on her advanced degree. She didn't even have the decency to leave town afterwards, she just bought a different house and he decided to move because he was so bothered by her proximity lol. She won the IDGAF wars for real lol.

Honestly, men do much much worse to women all the time and I admire her for putting her feelings aside and going after what she wanted. I've always struggled with not getting caught up in the emotions of my relationships with men and end up losing sight of why I even started entertaining them in the first place. I feel like if I learn to be this level of calloused and cold, then I will it pay off ten fold. what do you think?

Girl, omg. I have several thoughts about this.

I don’t know what she looks like, but I’m willing to bet she’s very attractive and confident. Probably the type to max out her looks. Sometimes I think a man can avoid this by being realistic and dating at his level. But no, some of them will value looks over everything and that’s the trend I see with “passport bros.” They pass up perfectly amazing women because they don’t take into account personality and then end up resenting the person they chose.

I don’t think I could pull that off and be that cold to a man unless I knew for a fact he wasn’t a good person. I’ve never had to pull elaborate stunts like that one but I’ve had my fair share of leveling the playing field. Most of us don't have that ice-queen persona ready to go. Maybe there's more to her story, or he REALLY messed up to spark that level of revenge.

I do agree men tend to do much worse and for once she came out on top in this situation, she never let go of her ambition and goals. I don’t necessarily think you have to be “cold” to get good outcomes in your relationships. I think it’s more about being emotionally “strong” to keep your boundaries in place and not taking men so seriously until they’ve shown you that they lead with their actions, not words. So many times I hear women say something along the lines of “he said he’s going to buy me a house, he said he’s getting me a ring, he said he’s going to do this and that, etc” and actually believe a man based on just his words. Sometimes they even decide to give a man a child just because he said he would do a million things without having done a single one yet. Words are just, literally WORDS. I can look into your eyes and tell you that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on without ever actually meaning any of it.

I suggest gatekeeping your time and energy until men follow through with everything they say they will do, including treating you right. When they act right, you slowly give them more access to you. If they don’t follow through with their actions, you start to pull away. That’s it. My favorite is when they don’t even speak about what they’re going to do, they just literally do it by surprise and sweep you off your feet.

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Hi! Your pizzeria au is so cool! (I actually can relate to the whole Jakob and Primo yelling at each other and Jakob being the terror grandparent thing *side-eyes grandma* and I dont know why but i really like that i absolutely get it)

I wanted to ask, does Primo still have his seeking validation but not getting it thing (aka oldest child syndrome)? I feel like that's a big part of the show's character (even though it's not talked about you can tell he just wants someone to love him), so does your pizzeria au Primo also have that? Or is he in a perfectly loving healthy family dynamic

WAHHH THANK YOU!! ;_; sobs ive been wanting to answer this for weeks ive just been turbo-busy and Primo's family life in this AU is, a real Kettle of Fish hhfdhgf..... i Love thinkin and talking about him, he's so so dear to me and this is a great question!!

the short answer is: you bet your ass he still does <3

the long answer is: well,

allow me to bring up THE MANCINI FAMILY DISASTER HURRICANE OF A RELATIONSHIP WEB

"perfectly loving healthy family dynamic" lol. lmao. roflcopter. not in the Mancini house!!!!!!!!!! This is three generations of autistic Hispanic Italians who do NOT know how to talk to each other or work through their own feelings and emotions in any sort of healthy way, and it SHOWS. :,)

(and honestly it's Jakob's fault for a lot of it--he's a heavy-handed crusty abusive old son of a bitch with enough untreated war veteran PTSD to black out the sun, and he managed to critically fuck up not just his son's emotional development but his grandsons' too in the process!!!! GREAT JOB YOU OLD BASTARD.)

Like. Aporia loves his kids. He does, he really really does. Primo almost died in a motorcycle crash when he was 17 and the thought of losing him scares Aporia so fucking much. He's just.. chronically so fucking bad at verbally expressing "i love you," and in general is a, often very emotionally distant person. He's not the World's Worst Dad, he just fumbled the bag on being there much for Primo and Lester until *checks* Extremely Recently, instead caught up with his demanding work of running a steel distribution component, and then later the death of his wife (which left him shaken and numb for YEARS,) and on top of all of that the lingering inescapable drive to Make Jakob Proud of Him (a trait Primo has too <3) (insert meta commentary on how these are all Versions of The Same Guy in 5Ds Canon <333)

So anyway, all that said, you can imagine that Primo seeks validation like a starving hyena seeking out a wildebeest carcass--desperately, relentlessly, and like his very life depends on it. He's hero worshiped Jakob for being a """"Cool War Hero"""" since he was a kid, and he kind of hero worships his boss Zone now for his intense demeanor and storied history, despite the fact neither of these men seem to like him much (because they dont.) Between that and his aforementioned dad being awkwardly distant for much of his childhood and teen years, his ratio if "wanting validation vs. actually getting it" is, uh, NOT VERY GREAT :( He STILL yearns so SO much for his abuelo's approval especially, and the fact Primo feels his missed his one opportunity to get it (enlist in the army and die bravely and brilliantly on the battlefield) (dude you were never gonna be let into the army you have one eye first of all) keeps him up at night, like, a Lot. (sorry world but I KNOW Primo would be a bit of a cringefail military bootlicker. but the details on that is its own side tangent ghghdgdg)

it's just a mess, this whole family is a mess. at least on the bright side Primo's starting to make friends who Do care so much about him, and Aporia IS actively trying to make strides in connecting with his kids and making it clear to Primo how much he loves him, AND Primo is getting mature enough now to reflect on his upbringing and realize how fucked things have been. He isnt QUITE self aware enough yet to realize that chasing Jakob's approval is a fool's errand he'll never achieve, but he IS steadily starting to fully recognize that the way Jakob treats his dad and Lester makes him feel, um, Sick to His Stomach. (but the way Jakob treats him? no, no. thats. thats fine. thats what he (Primo) deserves.his brother and father dont deserve to be yelled at and demeaned and hit. but he does. failures do.)

(if i get into this AU Primo's complex about his self-worth that's absolutely spurred on by his struggle to obtain what he deems the most important forms of validation i will be here another nine hours and another 20 paragraphs. but i think about it VERY much. post for another time methinks.)

but yeah his eldest child syndrome is off the absolute charts. he might stomp around and loudly proclaim Lester is ruining his life but he loves that kid so much. He would put himself between Lester and their furious grandfather to take the brunt of the blast every time. He is not doing well but he will spend two hours putting ice on a bruise Jakob gave his little brother with as must care as someone as big and gnarly as he can muster. i love them so much.

[poppy5991]

MHA Meta: Negative with the Public in Disasters & Early PTSD in First Responders

Ok, so MHA really nails this one in a way that most shows do not! When you work in disaster situations, you will see humanity at its best and at its worst! On the news, you will mostly see feel good stories, but yeah stressful situations bring out the bad in people. And that’s traumatizing to witness.

Some real life examples of common occurrences:

Harassment, Threats, & Violence Against Responders and Volunteers by angry public or conspiracy theorists

People deliberately abandoning their children or elderly relatives at disaster shelters

People attempting to steal purebred or particularly cute dogs from disaster pet shelters by falsely claiming ownership

Media and random civilians trying to sneak photos of injured, sick, or deceased persons

In my experience, witnessing horrible behavior is more traumatizing than what you would expect to witness on the job. You are trained with how to cope with injury/illness/death. Not so much the general horrors of humanity.

It’s a very bizarre experience to be treated as a ‘hero’ in one respect while also being treated very poorly by the public that you are meant to be helping. You take a lot of the brunt of anger over problems caused at an institutional level way above your head.

A LOT of us (including me) experienced death threats and threats of violence to our faces doing COVID work. As well as straight up belligerence.

My trauma therapist used to work with combat vets and would say that her pandemic responder patients reminded her heavily of her work with Vietnam veterans. Because the trauma was chronic and focused heavily on ‘I’ve seen what humanity is capable of and it’s horrifying.’

People dying of the virus was not the main trauma, it was how the public reacted around it.

So the trash throwing scenes hit me right in the stomach.

And if you wanted the perfect visual metaphor of what this feels like, it’s this:

To see Deku who is carrying the entire burden. Overworked and exhausted. Being pulled apart in a million different directions by a mob.

And he is losing parts of himself to the work he is doing. I mean the apathy and horror in his eyes says it all.

Deku is displaying very early signs of PTSD: self-isolation, pushing others away, refusing to rest, overwork, refusing to talk about his experiences (avoidance)

AND the belief that you cannot share the burden with others because it is too heavy/dark/traumatizing.

Now let’s talk about All Might and what he unconsciously taught Deku. All Might is a singular symbol of peace, but this is achieved through extreme overwork, keeping secrets to himself, not trusting or confiding in others, and even working through near fatal injuries.

Opposed to that, we get this new narrative- that nothing can be accomplished alone. Deku has to rely on both the former users and his loved ones/colleagues. It’s not sustainable or healthy to bear all the burden alone. This is what Nighteye kept trying to warn All Might about.

And he finally realizes it with the heartbreaking bento scene.

But the recurring beauty of MHA is its appeal for two things: Empathy and Connection.

We get the reunion of class 1A. This forces Deku to share the burden of his experiences with peers, to rest physically, and to receive support.

And Uraraka pleads with the public for empathy; a reminder that heroes are human. And to please treat them with humanity.

So Horikoshi’s message is kind of two-fold: Trauma is a burden that can’t be endured alone AND the solution to society’s problems is empathy for others.

[hecckyeah]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Well hey you, thanks for this!! I never like self-promoting anything of mine, but I do carry a certain sense of accomplishment and love for my fics, and I just want people to read and enjoy them :)

So here we go!

1. Until the Night is Over

(Fandom: Agents of SHIELD)

This one is so near and dear to my heart. It was inspired by the song When the Night is Over by Lord Huron, and it’s the first and only multi-chapter fic I’ve ever completed (I’ve always been more of a one-shot gal myself). I call it a “modern day Dousy AU,” with a healthy amount of espionage, angst, mystery, and fluff. Written at the height of the Dousy craze around here, and I was so honored by all the loyal readers and even some late night idea sessions with the mutuals.

Anyway, it’s a classic and has held the number one favorite spot for a long time :)

2. the medic

(Fandom: Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

I feel like this was my first real foray off my beaten path of linear, conversational fic, if you will. It’s more poetry than anything else and it focuses on Kix, a character we don’t see much of but has a huge and very unique role in TCW. I wanted to explore the ins and outs of being a medic in the GAR, and the parallels that led to his ultimate fate. I’ve even gotten some amazing feedback from relatives of real life army medics, who say it rings true and reminds them of their veteran relatives stories, which is just a huge honor and makes me tear up a little :’)

3. but you dream of some epiphany

(Fandom: Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

Again, this one is less “traditional” and more poetic. It’s just a short take on the couple of weeks immediately following Order 66, and how Ahsoka and Rex try to find their way in this new, very hostile galaxy. Lots of emotions, PTSD, and callbacks and parallels. It’s also partly me rejecting the canon that says the two of them split up almost immediately after escaping the purge, and deciding that it’s much more likely they would stick together, at least for a little while.

4. And I Dealt My Heart

(Fandom: Agents of SHIELD)

For someone who’s never been a fan of AUs, I sure do write a lot of them for Dousy :)

This one was my knee jerk reaction to some overwhelming emotions I was feeling following a dance I went to with my family. Funny what a whirlwind of a night can make you feel in the span of 2-3 hours. I love love love country music and the culture surrounding it, and I thought what better way to put a new spin on the Blue Shirt™️ than a good old fashioned square dance? Plus, it’s such a natural foil for Daisy that it really worked, at least in my opinion. And who doesn’t love a little extra sprinkle of Philinda being pseudo parents? :)

5. can’t tell me there’s no point in trying

(Fandom: Star Wars)

This one is still in progress, so we’ll see where I land on it, but so far I have SO enjoyed the process. It was originally just a one-shot, aka me scratching the itch I have to see Ahsoka Tano and Cal Kestis interact on screen, and touching on the emotions surrounding Order 66 and the clones’ betrayal and how Cal would react to a de-chipped Rex. Now it’s gone much further to my own delight, and I get to explore things like Cody and the Bad Batch and even Cal’s biological family. I really love it so far and I’m excited about where it’s headed :)

A couple honorable mentions because I’m indecisive:

The One With the Second Chance - (Friends; Joey/Rachel)

when the smoke clears (i’ll be right here) - (AOS; Dousy)

[pantherafool]

Honestly, the 4th of July this year wasn't it for me. Again.

I have a lot of problems with the 4th of July. I don't like that we as Americans like to celebrate how we stole land from the Indigenous peoples that lived here for hundreds of years before us. I don't like how nobody even talks about natives overall, not even during National Native American Heritage Month (November) and all the other weeks and days dedicated to Native Americans. I feel like people only talk about Native Americans when it's some sort of "trend." I saw so many people talking about natives when ICWA was in danger of being overturned, and now everyone's silent again. I may be the only one observing this, but it's like no one cares. I have barely seen anyone talking about how a lot of tribes don't have access to clean water. The government is and has been neglecting Native nations, and I have seen nobody but natives talking about it. I've SEEN people say that "it isn't a big deal" which is so fucking crazy because hello??? Natives are human beings who need to consume water to LIVE?? But of course, some people don't consider natives human and some just don't want them to live at all. It's fucking performative if you're just talking about native issues to seem like a good person. It is performative to just talk about issues like these when they're "popular."

I also have issues with the 4th of July because of... you guessed it, fucking fireworks! I will preface this by saying I am an American teenager who lives in the south and has C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and asthma and is overall disabled. Fireworks. Fucking. Freak. Me. Out. They freak me out so bad. People started setting off fireworks a few days ago, and I have been physically and mentally SICK ever since then. As I'm writing this, I am nursing a major fucking headache. I feel like throwing up. Up until recently, I could not breathe properly because of my asthma. People have stopped setting off fireworks and other annoying "bang" and "pop" and "sshrr!" sound-noise making things because it is 3 AM right now, but. Holy SHIT. The fireworks caused me to have a mental breakdown because of how eerily similar they sound to gunfire. I'm aware that gunfire doesn't echo/linger the same way fireworks do, but it still freaks me out. The fireworks have caused me to have emotional rollercoasters continuously since July 1st/around then. My mental health has literally reached a low point because of fireworks. I'm not kidding.

And you can laugh at that all you want and think of how stupid it is, but I would also like you to take a moment to think about the animals. The animals that freak out every single year because of fireworks. I would like you to think of your dog or your neighbor's dog that cowers under a coffee table or a bed. I would like you to think about how fireworks release smoke and greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, and nitrogen, which harm the environment. I would like you to think of the metal and the dangerous toxins and chemicals that linger for days. I would like you to think of the fact that fireworks harm the environment in the same way wildfire smoke does. I would like you to think of the veterans who fought to protect this country that have traumatic flashbacks due to loud noises.

But who cares, haha!! 'Murica is more important than all that! 🤪 🎆💥

[brawlsbigbadonkers]

"He’s trying to piece together his current life with the new bits he has. The war is done but now all that’s left is the lingering thought of how many have DIED and how almost pointless it was. All he has now is his team and their crappy apartment. But he’d rather have that then GO BACK to fighting for no reason other then kill." IM ABOUT TO POUR GASOLINE ON THIS FIRE!!!!!!!

Because as much as I have issues with TAAO it had some rly good concepts that never got fully explored and BRAWL is one of them! He's a tired and uncertain war veteran dealing w not only the cybertron equivalent of toxic masculinity but also poverty, PTSD, one of his team missing, his team lead being a freak-o (who's also suffering frm Cybertron equiv of toxic masculinity like I'm signing Ons and Brawl up for therapy right neeyow). Girl no wonder this man is drinking to cope! i don't blame him. No wonder he falls back on violence when given the opportunity at first, because it's what he's used to and what he's comfortable with and most importantly, violence is all that has ever been expected of Brawl. When enough people expect only one thing from you it can be VERY hard to try for anything else. I'm. get this man in therapy right now please

YOUR SO RIGHT! YOUR SO RIGHT!

Me when brawl seemingly can never be able to escape his own self destructive tendencies and it end up in him suffering from it because of his bad coping mechanisms that are led by being known as a brute who is violent and not a person who is struggling to just SURVIVE in the world:

Goddddd this fucks. I know that feeling all to well and it sucks. You keep falling back into old ways because THATS ALL YOU KNOW. You think this is okay because you’ve been doing it for so long. Even when you KNOW it’s not okay, it’s so hard to break away from it.

I need onslaught and brawl in therapy ASAP. Like get in the car war vets we are going to therapy. I like- they can’t even break out of their situation of poverty because they are struggling to find stable work, they are struggling just to live. Hell- onslaught can’t even ACCPET that the war is over because that’s all HE KNOWS! He can’t move on and for that it effects the team as well. He’s their leader and the fact that he CANT move on, makes it harder for everyone else. I love onslaught so much but FUCK. I can’t even EXPRESS how tragic these guys are. I love them so much they make me want to punch a wall and sob.