thediaryofarevolutionist

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

„She’s better than you“

She can be better than me, I just want to be good too…

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

I hate the fact that i didn’t take any pictures and videos of me when i was 14-16ish. I dont even remember who i was at the time. What i liked and disliked i really have no memory. It’s tragic really its like i lost a huge part of my soul. I dont know who this person was its like she died or something. Time relay flew fast.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

Yes i am radical but i wish u would see that my radical character is a form of all my suffering and pain without explaining it to you.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

Diary entry 18.03.2025

In the past few days, I’ve been feeling really bad. Everything just seems to have happened, and I never have time to write it all down. Where should I even start? When it comes to grades, I don’t really want to talk about it because I’ve failed. I don’t know what happened, I’m just not myself anymore. I’ve changed so much. I know grades don’t matter, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a disappointment. I’ve failed, I did my best, but I could have done better on some days. That’s the truth, but the truth is also that if I hadn’t had certain teachers, like Mrs. Möller or Mr. Nospickel, my grades would have been better. Especially the grades I got from Mrs. Möller in Drama, my favorite subject, where I used to always get an A. At least now I’ve learned from my mistakes—never choose a subject where you know the teacher doesn’t like you. I wish Mrs. Greife had let me switch to music, as there was still time.

In English, we had a grade discussion, but I didn’t want to hear anything, and I didn’t want to talk to Mr. Schröder either. Mr. Schröder didn’t accept that, even though I kept saying no, Nora of course had to share her unsolicited opinion, saying that I was just doing it for attention. No, the truth is, I didn’t want to start crying when Mr. Schröder told me my grade. Nora doesn’t understand that—how could she? She always gets 15 points and is the best in the year. I failed in English, and I don’t understand how I used to always get 13, and now I’m struggling with writing. I wish Mr. Schröder had accepted my “no,” but of course, he didn’t. He wanted to talk to me, but I was already on the verge of tears, just like I am now. I just told him I didn’t care, and then he finally stopped. No one understands what’s going on inside me. I could have failed in any subject, but not in English, where I always had 13 or 14. But whatever. I’m just talking nonsense, doing everything for attention, according to Nora.

Lara is okay, but I’m not really sure if she likes me. But I really like her, and I love hugging her because she hugs you back even tighter. Karo and I used to be friends, but then we weren’t anymore. At the beginning of our fight, we didn’t even talk to each other, and now we do again. Sometimes I miss her. I especially miss hugging her, because she was one of the few people I could hug as long as I wanted. I’m not angry or regret that our friendship ended, it was the right thing not to talk to her anymore, I don’t know what her reason was. That’s the problem, Karo is just like me, or rather, she used to be like me. I’m trying to change. She acted stubborn and childish and never apologizes but gets angry right away. Having a friendship like that is exhausting, so no, I don’t regret it. The funny thing is, Karo and I aren’t really friends anymore, like we used to be, but nothing has changed. That’s another sign that, from her perspective, our friendship wasn’t really important. But now here’s the funniest part: Karo doesn’t even think about me, she probably doesn’t regret it, and she probably doesn’t care that we’re not friends anymore, while I’m still stuck in that time. Now Karo, like always, has found new friends and new people.

I’ve lost so many friends, and that’s okay, because I deserve good friends, and I don’t want to let myself be treated badly anymore, but I never thought I would feel lonelier than before. With the loss of Nina, my world has fallen apart, she meant so much to me. I don’t understand why I can’t be like her, why I can’t come out of myself.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder, who wants to read all this, who cares? Whose words and thoughts are important? What’s the chance anyone will ever read these words? I’ll probably miss English on Thursday, I don’t feel like seeing Mr. Schröder. I love him, but lately, he just depresses me, like every other teacher I have, except for Mrs. Korte. I don’t know if I’ll even come on Thursday or Friday. I’m crying now, but in about three weeks, I’ll be in England, so it doesn’t really matter, like nothing else matters.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

Diary entry 06.03.2025

I know I’m repeating myself, but I hate, hate, hate Gökce. I don’t understand what I did to make her hate me so much, but I’ve had enough. I feel so betrayed and hurt. She and I had an argument. It was totally unnecessary. We were at the citizen’s office to apply for new ID cards. She called my picture ugly, and I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her anymore because she was being unnecessarily mean. Then she suddenly said that this was the reason I had no friends and that everyone hated me.

I had confided in her, told her that I felt lonely and friendless. Stupid of me to think I could trust her. Of course, she would use my fears against me. So, I did the exact same thing. I insulted her with something I knew would hurt her, and it worked. She lost her mind, even though I had stayed calm while she kept tearing me down. She can dish it out, but she can’t take it.

The craziest part is that she insulted me the whole time, but when I did the same, she immediately brought up Dad, saying something like, “Did you hear what she said?” as if I had started it.

Later at home, everything was quiet until it started again. Dad and Gonca were arguing, and of course, I got dragged into it. Dad came to me and told me to never insult her again. If she does it and deliberately tries to hurt me, he won’t say anything to her, but if I stand up for myself, then I have to apologize.

Then she stormed out of her room, trying to attack me. Dad even had to hold her back while she screamed at me (pathetic for a 21-year-old to behave like that) and tried to hit me. When she realized I wasn’t afraid of her—I just kept laughing at her—she left again. And that wasn’t even all. She acted as if I had started it, as if she hadn’t used my biggest insecurity against me. Unbelievable. How can someone have such a victim complex?

She brings out the worst in me. Because of her, I feel like my heart is black, and I hate her for what she turns me into. I always end up being the villain while she plays the victim, crying, even though I was only defending myself. And then, with that mood, I had to go to the performance. She ruined my entire day. I didn’t even want to go home anymore.

But most of all, I feel sorry for Dad, that his own children don’t get along and behave like this. He and I have a complicated relationship too, but I will never be ungrateful for what he does. I will never be like Gökce.

It’s crazy, despite everything she has done to me, I used to see her as my best friend. I wanted to be like her, strong and brave. What happened? Where did my sister go? Now she’s bitter, jealous, insecure.

I hate living in this house. No wonder I create fantasy worlds to survive. How could I not, with a sister who tries to break me every single day?

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

I can still hear my screams and howls, something I will never be able to forget. When I think about it, I feel like it just happened. It won't let me go and I'm afraid I'll always carry it with me, even though I don't want to. I want to be free, but my memories are holding me back. And it's so funny how I'm 19 now and still stuck as a kid. Nothing has changed. I'm still the child who screams, who is aggressive and full of rage. Sometimes nothing changes.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

I feel the pain of every woman who was born into this world so no I can't let it go

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

"There may not be, you know, as much humanity in the world as one would like to see, but there is some. There's more than one would think. In any case, if you...if you break faith with what you know...that's a betrayal of many, many, many, many people. I may know six people, but that's enough. Love has never been a popular movement and no-one's ever wanted really to be free. The world is held together, really it is, held together, by the love and the passion of a very few people. Otherwise, of course you can despair. Walk down the street of any city, any afternoon, and look around you. What you've got to remember is what you're looking at is also you. Everyone you're looking at is also you. You could be that person, you could be that monster, you could be that cop. And you have to decide in yourself not to be."

(Meeting the Man: James Baldwin in Paris (1970), dir. Terence Dixon)

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

I used to get angry at some feminists for saying this, but I have also come to the difficult conclusion that a lot of women really do enjoy men being awful to them. If you browse fanfic websites like Ao3, you’ll see thousands of rape fantasies written by women, enjoyed by women. In the past when I attempted to criticize this, they responded by telling me I’m ruining their fun. That really says it all. That is what they consider fun.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

Sometimes I just wish I was ignorant and didn't know anything. I wouldn't care about politics and would no longer break down when I find out about injustice against women. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough and this misogyny is getting to me. It’s tearing me apart. I feel paralyzed and don't understand why women must go trough this. All i want is women to be safe and liberated but i dont see any hope.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

"I exist.' In thousands of agonies - I exist.I'm tormented on the rack - but I exist! Though I sit alone in a pillar - I exist! I see the sun, and if I don't see the sun, I know it's there. And there's a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there."

Time Is A Mother, Ocean Vuong

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

-Simone de beauvoir „The second sex“

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

let me tell you a secret. sometimes i think this might all be a bad dream. every now and then, when the world is quiet enough, when the yellow lights hit the ceiling just right, i feel like a child again. sometimes i wish i could find the spot where time is the weakest, touch it, tear it apart, and wake up on the sofa, behind my parents’ backs where i’ve crawled after some nightmare. from the tv, a laugh track. i’m pretending to sleep. it’s summer. see, the balcony door is ajar. see, there’s a mosquito trying to get in. see, my heart is aching. see?

credit @achlles on tumblr.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

And I dont believe in love anymore. I can only have love if I have absolute freedom and I can only have absolute freedom if i have poetic justice, which in other words is also just love.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

BAMBASKA ZINCIRLERE VURULMUS OLSAK DA TÚM KADINILAR ÖZGÜR OLANIA KADAR BEN DE ÖZGÜR DEGILIM

wise words from istanbul

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

What do you do if someone suddenly dies? Do you run to the next person and tell them you love them? Do you forgive someone you had an argument with? Do you cry afterwards and then feel completely empty? Do you sleep and then forget everything ? Or do you sit on your bed, eat chips and drink energy drinks because you want to feel immortal? People are so delusional, they dream of immortality and a heaven because they can't cope with death. They invent immortal gods and imagine themselves to be one. As humans, we don't want to be reminded of our mortality because it makes us weak and vulnerable. We ignore war and dissociate ourselves as much as possible from things that are truly human. It shows us that nothing really matters and at the same time everything matters and we should live in the moments. It also shows us that we cannot escape from death and that the only true fair thing in life death is. He doesn't choose who he gets.

[thediaryofarevolutionist]

girls connected by laughter. i think that’s where love lives.