thediaryofbrie

[thediaryofbrie]

[thediaryofbrie]

July 15th 2025

It's been almost unbearably hot the past few weeks, living on the third floor and being in the highest apartment in my building certainly doesn't make life in summer any easier. Yet the heat is (funnily enough) the least of my 'issues'.

Life has been busy lately. Between family issues, class and taking small trips one could almost believe I am living a normal life. Hilarious. I went to a medieval fair a few weeks ago and then again last week, it was a lot of fun. It was my first time going to anything like that and I even got a whole medieval outfit there. It is for sure one of the things I want to do again, and one of the things I got on my bucket list for this summer.

What else happened...Oh! Yes. I fell in love, went to a party, had my first kiss. (in that order). I don't really have anyone else to tell it to so I guess this is my best way to get it off my chest, a blog that nobody reads but I know I will feel better after (pathetic, I know but let's pretend it's 2012 for a while).

I don't even know how to start. Or rather, how it started. I guess it started last September if I think about it. I signed up for an online acting class (auditioned, got accepted, you know the drill). And so far it's been fun. Challenging for someone as introverted as me but I enjoyed it. I got sorted into a new class a few months ago and that was pretty much the start of this whole disaster of my emotions.

I thought he was handsome from the beginning when I first saw him in class, really. He looked a bit serious but he was all tanned skin, black hair and dark eyes (he's hispanic). nice face and gorgeous deep voice too. Then we got paired up for our showcase that is happening this month. So naturally we spent a lot of time talking. We immediatly had chemistry, he was super charming and, for whatever reason, we often ended up talking about the most random (and deep stuff) instead of just working on our scene. I thought I had a small crush on him (this feels so funny now) until I finally realised a few weeks ago that no, that's love. I am in love with that guy. Then I cried for a while, cursed the whole damn world and tried to come to terms with it. Which is rather difficult to be honest.

I've never really been in love before. Crushes, sure, but this? This feels real, it hurts and I feel like I am unable to concentrate on anything. And the worst? He's younger than me by quite a bit (Of course he's legal duh! I just didn't know he was younger than me since we look the same age) and he lives in another country. I know it is absolutely stupid to feel like that, seriously. But what can I do? I feel like we have connected on a real deep level and I have no idea how to handle it. I can't just say "Working with you is so much fun! Oh and by the way I am in love with you please don't be weirded out!" Doesn't help either that we're playing people that used to be lovers and that we constantly get the feedback that we play such great couple and that we have insane chemistry. Gosh I am ranting. It's almost 3 am now and I am sitting here with my little fan to fight off the heat while writing the pain off my chest instead of trying to get some sleep. I have so many problems, yet right now all I can think about is him.

I don't even know why I am writing all this here. Nobody reads it and I might as well write it into my diary. But I guess despite everything posting it here makes me feel like I am not so alone. Because I can't deny that I do feel lonely. Often.

Maybe that was the reason I went to a party last Saturday. That and to somehow get my mind off of my scene partner. I dressed up, put on some makeup and went to the local yearly town festival. There were stalls with food, drinks, many stages with music acts. I drank some, danced, had fun (all very unusal for me. I never go to parties but I guess I need to get some new experiences anyways). I arrived at about 7 pm, got hit on twice (though one time I am not sure he tried to hit on me or just wanted to know if I am okay lol)

The music stopped at 1 am and that's where I met a guy, he was sitting next to me. He was nice, a few years older than me and visiting a friend in the city. He wasn't from here so we spoke english. I ended up showing him around town, we had a drink together, walked some more and later before I went home he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. I still don't know why. So we kissed. And I felt nothing. not excitement, no attraction, no stirring. It wasn't bad, it was just...okay I guess. I was giddy from the lack of sleep, the alcohol in my blood but the kiss itself didn't make me feel anything. He gave me his number too, I still haven't called or texted and I don't think I ever will.

Do I regret the kiss? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It just felt so insignificant. Maybe it was just me trying to convince myself that this was real life, that I wasn't really in love with my scene partner, that I just needed real experience to see that it was just some passing fancy.

But all I could and can think about is him. Just looking at him makes me feel more than that kiss ever could've. And now I might feel even more miserable than I did before. I saw him again yesterday when we worked on our scene and as always we ended up talking about other stuff.

I thought I knew all about pain but honestly? the pain of love is a different kind of pain altogether. He brings out so many emotions in me, some of which I thought were long gone after all I went through. And by god, I feel like a part of me, or maybe even me entirely, died back then because sometimes I don't even recognise myself anymore. I survived, sure. Thanks I guess. I feel so ridiculous. In love with my scene partner who I see three times a week, online. And who I had more profound and thought provoking conversations with than I ever had with anyone else. Am I a fool for being in love with him? Delusional? Even more delusional to think that there could possibly reciprocation from his side with the way we talk to each other? Especially since he's so bad at replying to text and never reads it. I feel so torn, confused, I am longing for something I never longed for before. For someone. I feel like I am experiencing the teenage love I never had now at 27. Maybe he is my soulmate, who knows. But the thought of not seeing him again? It hurts in ways I can't explain. I always thought that maybe never having been in love also had it's upside, no heartache, no heartbreak. Now I am starting to think I might've been right.

Plus I feel like a horrible actress because currently I am almost unable to seperate myself from the scene and just be my character. Love truly ruins me. Part of me doesn't currently care about acting. I am still doing everything to achieve my dream but honestly, if he asked me to just drop everything and live with him somewhere away from all that stuff I think I wouldn't hesitate. It is also surprisingly hard to not blurt out "I am in love with you!" while we're practicing. Who would've thought. He also makes me want to be a better person, to do better for myself, he's a very motivating kind of guy. And I am trying. I really am. Working out, meditating, eating healthily. But it's hard especially on days when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and your bed feels like the only safe place in the entire universe. but I am on it. I've already lost some weight, I am trying to keep my apartment clean, to study more, to go on (almost) daily mental health walks that last an hour. To be less on my phone. And I've realised that life without coping mechanisms kind of sucks because you can't run from your feelings anymore, you have to face them. And that can be downright frightening. I want to be the best version of myself, for nobodys sake but my own. I deserve better, I can have better. I can have whatever I want. I am not giving up, I am giving this year a chance to turn my life around for the better. And maye, maybe this isn't such a bad start. Maybe falling in love happened for a reason.

[thediaryofbrie]

June 11th 2025

Long time no see

Life is as turbulent as always. Turned 27 a few months ago, and I got my bunny a bunny friend so he isn’t alone anymore.

I also started going to a (new) therapist. She’s alright; but I feel like no matter how often I go to therapy it’ll never help with repairing what’s deep inside. It just feels so shallow, ranting about your problems and then it’s “that’s it for today, see you next week!” A conversation with someone I love and trust under the moonlight would be more healing than ten years of therapy.

My cousin also contacted me again after years of NC. She’s in her 40s but realised how terrible our family actually is and that I am not the crazy one but just got sick after years of emotional abuse (How shocking!) but she pretty much only contacts me when she needs something or wants to rent so that’s not really a deep connection either. I visit my grandma as often as I can and I love her dearly, she’s the only one in my family that truly loves and appreciates me. I wish I could help her more than just visiting a few times a week. So that we both wouldn’t be so alone.

I do feel lonely. It’s not just the fact that I live alone (besides my two beloved bunnies) but it’s this deep, isolating loneliness that’s settled into my bones over the years. How does someone like me find me friends? I don’t go to a college and even in school I never truly had friends. How does someone like me get to be in a relationship? And not just any relationship to not be alone anymore. How do I explain to anyone that I am not fine just being with anyone. That I am not waiting for “the one” but waiting for “mine” without sounding crazy. That I don’t want to pass the time until I find someone that works. How do I explain that I am waiting for my soulmate in this day and age without sounding insane, without being ridiculed for not having been with anyone at 27.

Sometimes I just want to say “screw it all” and just be with anyone. But it feels so wrong, so hollow to just think about it. I don’t want to end like my mother who ridicules me for being alone but doesn’t have anyone at 61 either, always has been with the wrong men who cheated, were abusive and deadbeats. Why is it me that’s not normal just because I want something meaningful? A meaningful relationship, a meaningful job that I love.

I’ve started part time acting school a few months ago. This is what I want, but I always feel like I am not good enough. It is so hard to get over that mental barrier that’s been implemented into our brains. I know what I want, I know what I need to do. Yet I often find myself just laying in bed for weeks, dreaming, wishing, aching. Buying things I don’t need with money I don’t have. Eating just to fill the void instead of exercising or meditating to nurture my body. Watching movies, series, and getting attached to the characters because real human connection has nothing but disappointment and hurt me. Sitting on my phone for hours instead of reading a book. I don’t want to waste away. I don’t just want to exist. I want to act, to have my house in the countryside, with my family, pets, man that I love.

I don’t know how to get there.

But I am trying. I am.

[thediaryofbrie]

they should invent a january that doesn’t make you go through every emotion known to mankind every day

[thediaryofbrie]

Then fall in lads behind the drum With colours blazing like the sun Along the road to come what may Over the hills and far away

[thediaryofbrie]

they should invent a january that doesn’t make you go through every emotion known to mankind every day

[thediaryofbrie]

hobbies to try out ♡

hobbies are such a great way to spend your time rather than being on technology all the time. It's great to have a skill, as skills can help you make friends, and can also open up new job opportunities!! here are some ideas, some are easy and simple and others are a little more advanced, there's (hopefully) something for everyone !!

O1 , painting / sketching

O2 , ballet (or dance in general)

O3 , sewing

O4 , reading

O5 , journalling

O6 , gardening

O7 , baking

O8 , photography

O9 , creative writing / songwriting / poem writing

1O , yoga

11 , learning an instrument (electric/acoustic guitar, drums, piano, violin etc)

12 , bracelet/jewellery making

13 , thrifting

14 , skateboarding

15 , hiking / exploring

16 , calligraphy

17 , pottery

18 , knitting / crochet

19 , pilates

2O , learning a language

21 , origami

22 , archery

23 , bird watching , herping , and animal/bug study in general

24 , mycology , plant observation/documentation

25 , start a podcast or amateur radio

26 , roller skating

27 , gymnastics / acrobatics

28 , cardistry

29 , terrarium making

30 , calisthenics

hope this helps!!!

[thediaryofbrie]

Quiet moments, a good book, iced coffee, and deep focus-study sessions that feed the mind and soul.

[thediaryofbrie]

Update September ‘24

Hello autumn 🍁🍂

Hello everyone! Life has been busy (and quite a mess) so it’s been a while since I posted.

I am still after my goals of course. I am trying again for my finals next year and starting to study for it this month! I’ve also taken more steps towards my acting career and I am also on a fitness and health journey. I’ve recently taken up Ballet and it’s so much fun! I am trying to have more hobbies too and read more books this season (I’ve got quite a tbr pile!) It’s pretty difficult if you’ve got anxiety/depression to actually stick to routines etc. so if anyone’s got advice I’d be very happy

Summer is over now and as much as I enjoy autum it always makes me a little sad. It feels like seasons pass so fast and sure summer has its flaws but it’s always difficult for me to let go of it. I am hoping for a happy and gentle autumn though and that all of us can achieve the goals we’ve set ourselves for the rest of the year. I’ll try to update more often on here, let’s see if I’ll manage to!

I am going to see a comedy show with my mom tomorrow and I am excited about it.

Love,

Lillith xxx

[thediaryofbrie]

I am not sure at what point in my life it went from ‘I am so sad I want to cry’ to ‘I am so sad I want to open my arteries’

[thediaryofbrie]

Well, I guess now I am just gonna lick my wounds, keep going, do better and try again.

[thediaryofbrie]

First day of finals

One down, seven today.

I had my first day of finals today, starting with German. I actually don't have a bad feeling about it since everything went rather smoothly. I do hope my feeling is right and I managed to pass. The next subject is English, my favourite so I am hoping to ace that one!

I am looking at a new apartment tomorrow, I do like my current one but I am worried about my landlord raising rent and the other one would be quite a bit cheaper. The lady also sounded rather nice on the phone so I am going to check it out!

I also visited my grandma at the nursery home today like I always do. It breaks my heart seeing her so upset and hating it there. I don't think I will ever forgive my mother for putting her in there.

It was an exhausting day so I am probably just gonna watch an episode of some tv show (probably Gone, can't get enough of Danny Pino) and then I am gonna try get some rest.

xx Lillith

[thediaryofbrie]

Erika L. Sánchez, from “La Cueva”, Lessons on Expulsion

[thediaryofbrie]

Be careful who you trust. Salt and sugar look the same.

[thediaryofbrie]

“My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.”

— Jillian Medoff, Hunger Point. (via perfectquote)

[thediaryofbrie]

Feeling terrible because of my mother so I ordered some food. Now I am feeling even worse because of the money and worry about calories

[thediaryofbrie]