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04 -  just an emo story (lol not really, it’s kind of a funny story)

- How Mr. S and I started (and ended). - 

I always knew he and I weren’t destined for each other. After all, it wasn’t like our first meeting had been not planned at all. I had been the mastermind behind it and, at that time, I was proud of myself.

Well, not necessarily proud…

Mr. S and I met when we were both seventeen during a ten-day trip we took with our class to celebrate that we were, finally, graduating from high school. We were young, reckless and lived on an everyday basis that consisted of partying, drinking and sleeping like bears for 10 hours straight. Now that I think about it, those were the golden days.

There was this other girl, we’re gonna call her Ms. C, who was deeply and completely obsessed with Mr. S. But really obsessed, up to the point she would follow him around the hotel we were staying, would cry for him while being drunk and would ask all of her friends to talk him into at least giving her a chance. And that’s where I come in.

Out of all the adjectives that exist out there, innocent would be the one that describes me best. If I’m innocent now, imagine how innocent I was at seventeen. I was on another whole level of innocence. And this led me to meeting Mr. S, ruining some kind of friendship (well, honestly, we were acquaintances) and almost ending up in a hospital. Girls, remember: if you’re gonna do it, it has to be at high levels.

Anyways, as I was saying, I was only seventeen years old, and I saw this girl crying desperately on a corner during a party on the second day of our trip. Of course I, always the very concerned about the wellbeing of every human being on earth, had to go and ask her what was wrong. And there she goes, she starts crying and ranting about how much she loved Mr. S, how he was perfect for her and how she was perfect for him, and also how badly she needed him (remember: she was hella drunk). So I offered her what would then become my personal living hell: I looked at her directly in the eyes (well, I was kinda drunk too, so I guess I was looking at her in the eyes) and with a deep drunken voice told her: ‘’I´m gonna help you. By the end of this trip, he’s gonna fall in love recklessly with you. You’ll see.’’

The following day found me with mixed emotions: on the first place, I had a raging hangover that felt like my brain was being constantly hammered against my skull, but if I stopped thinking about that for a second, I could feel the excitement of this new adventure building up on my body. And with that, also came the happiness of finally being able to help someone. And someone who was so sad that didn’t even care if all of her classmates saw her crying on the floor while her hair was a mess, her makeup made her look like a mad person and her clothes were completely dirty and destroyed because of the party’s wildness.

And so with this bright perspective and with a little bit of illusion, I started my journey into the heart of Mr. S.

Long story short: I failed.

Miserably.

Turns out that we shared our taste in music: we both liked (like) 80s music. And of course, that was more than enough for him to fall for me.

Not only was that a mistake (a huge one!), but everything went down when I started falling for him too.

As I listen to Kylie Minogue’s All the Lovers my brain fills with memories from our long chats near the river while listening to The Police, sharing beers at night and talking drunken nonsense while laying down on his room’s mattress. But no, it weren’t his looks what made me fall, nor his smile or his attitude. Not even his eyes (blue, by the way).

What made me fall for him (and hard) was the fact that out of all the days we shared not even once did we feel the need to get physical.

The atmosphere felt heavy, exciting, and sensual, the sexual tension building up just by slightly touching our hands, but just by looking at each other in the eyes and by talking, slowly and with content, we could already feel full.

It was magical.

But I’m gonna cut it short, so I don’t bore you with this nonsense (spoiler alert: we did not end up together).

I’ve had this thing, for a long time now, that makes me stop liking someone after we get too close to each other. Meaning, once I start developing deep feelings, once we get too close, I suddenly lose interest. When people get too close to me, it hurts.

Carol, my best friend ever, partner in crime and the only woman in this world in can firmly call my sister, had always told me I felt this way because I had never fallen in love. For real.

And that, after hours and hours of thinking, actually made quite sense. Was I really in love with Mr. S? Was it some kind of crush? Hadn’t it been the rush of the moment? Or even worse, would I have paid attention to him if I’d seen him on the street? Probably not.

Of course, all of this reasoning came waaay after everything went crazy. Like mental crazy.

This thing I’ve been telling you about got in the middle, and I suddenly realized he wasn’t really my type. And with that, came desperation, boredom and sadness. I felt depressed just by looking at his face, and every time I looked at him I could see Ms. C’s accusatory eyes, looking right into my soul. And just as fast this fling came it suddenly flew away, leaving me all alone again. Well, it wasn’t like he left me.

I did.

I slowly started drifting away, becoming distant, ignoring him, and not answering his calls. He could see the emptiness in my eyes, my soul getting colder as seconds went by. And suddenly, it was over.

But obviously, this didn’t happen without some drama in the middle, clearly. It all started when Ms. C found out about Mr. S and me.

It was high school, so you can imagine how fast rumors flew around. Now let me describe Ms. C a bit so that you can create an image in your mind.

Ms. C was about 1.76 cm tall (5’8), she was one of those chubby girls in high school that can clearly wrestle (she actually did compete in wrestling in our school’s contests). And then, there was me, poor little girl with 1.56 cm tall (5’1), not having the body of a wrestler and actually quite weak. So, you can already imagine my face (and my fear) when not-so-little Ms. C threw herself all over me and started hitting me, just because I had stolen her guy.

And the worst thing was that he wasn’t even worth it. Even so, we had already broken up. And even worse, I was going through that depressive phase in which all I could think about how asexual I was (not that that is a bad thing), how I was not attracted to anyone and how I would die alone.

Oh, and you wanna know when she tried to wrestle me? Well… it was during our graduation party and let me tell you, I was as drunk as I had ever been. So yeah, I was pretty weak.

Some parents that were present at the party (for safety, of course) had to separate us (separate her from me, actually) and assist me.

The truth is, I was lonely. Depressed. Sad. Heartbroken even. But the worse thing out there had been that Mr. S had seen everything, and he knew the reason behind Ms. C’s attack. And all he did was stare and just leave, after seeing me on the floor, blood on my lip, tears on my face. I didn’t even defend myself! How could I? Not only because I was weak, but also because I had destroyed myself. I had broken my own heart and let myself down. I was weak to fight back, to get away, and to defend myself.

I was too weak to save me from myself.

A-

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03 -  reposting some of my old WordPress posts (two)

- driving lessons, or how I call them: welcome to hell -

I’ve always been quite cautious of everything around me. I don’t know if that’s because of my personality or just because I’m a scaredy-cat, but it has affected me in every way possible.Kind of forced by my parents, I had to start these driving lessons about a week ago, and Holy Moly, I never thought it would be this hard! I know in the US it’s quite easier because cars have an automatic gearbox, but here we have the original manual gearbox and trust me, it’s as hard as trying to pass a final with a raging hangover.With today’s heavy rain (like really heavy) I had to step out of my comfort zone, grab a coat and deal with the driving business. Let me tell you, I’m still shocked I didn’t piss myself in my pants or something like that. I was driving super carefully, as I usually do, super relaxed and super slow, with my instructor sitting firmly by my side, when suddenly, and out of nowhere, I had to turn to my left. Now, that wasn’t the problem really. I mean, that’s quite easy, right? WELL LET ME TELL YOU IT´S NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK WHEN YOU HAVE LIKE FIFTEEN CARS BEHIND YOU, A PICK UP PARKED RIGHT ON THE CORNER YOU’RE TRYING TO TURN AND A HUGE TRUCK COMING RIGHT TO YOU ON THE TWOHAND AVENUE YOU’RE TRYING TO DRIVE.Oh, and let me add, out of those fifteen cars behind you, fourteen are desperately honking and making you lose your mind.Woah, what a day, right? Honestly, I never really understood why it’s so necessary that I learn how to drive. Right now, and I feel obliged to explain to you, I live far away from my country’s biggest city, and to get there I have to drive or, how I usually do and I find so comfortable, take any public transport and travel for about an hour and a half. So yeah, I get it, it’s quite important that I learn how to drive. That would mean lowering risks of getting late to college and also lowering the costs. But my parents KNOW I’m not going to live here all my life. And they KNOW my personality and how bad I feel while dealing with the traffic and the stress (I’m getting quite better at handling it tho). So why would they force me to take this course and get my license?That’s really what concerns me the most about this whole stuff, the fact that they don´t even consider how I feel in this situation or how stressed I already am. But well, life’s hard and this isn’t even a slice of what I’ll have to deal with in the future. And honestly, every time I think of this, I know they’re doing it for me, so that I can be even more independent and also so that I can feel better and get to places quite faster (and also travel waaay safer than on the bus at 1 AM). The good thing about this whole thing is simple: you have to take risks. You have to step out of your comfort zone and find something scary, dangerous even. Something that makes you nervous. You have to challenge yourself and prepare yourself for every opportunity out there in life. It’s not like you’ll always have everything served on a silver plate. And you’ll only learn this by doing it, by jumping at any opportunity you have of taking a risk and simply saying ‘yes’. And that, I have to admit, I couldn’t have learned it if it hadn’t been for my parents obsessively and persistently forcing and pressuring me to take this course and, finally, get my license.And honestly, finding your inner force and challenging yourself is both funny and scary. And that’s what life is made of.

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02 - a bit emo cause I'm gonna start therapy soon

There’s a question that I’ve been thinking about lately. How do I look in other people’s eyes? I've always tried to show a confident, proud-of-myself image, but am I really like that? Do you understand the kind of image I've been trying to show? An image of a girl who is perfect. Because that's what I've always wanted to be. It seems easy to keep up with those false appearances but it isn't as easy as it seems...

Things have been a little difficult lately...

It's like...I can't control anything around me and that gets me on my nerves. Is it true what many people say?

I've always seen myself as a perfectionist and everybody around me says that sometimes I take it to extremes. It's like I need to control everything and I'm a 100% sure that I can do it, that if I do it, it will end up being successful. I'm very confident about myself, at least that's what I try to show. But in reality, I'm not like that. It's like I have 2 characters inside my body:

Me and the one that everyone knows about.

Will I ever be confident enough to show the real me to the world?

               I'm perfect to other people's eyes. I'm the one with the highest grades, the most responsible and well-educated. I'm always well-humored and I never get angry. But I'm so tired, I don't want to be the perfect human being. That’s a fxxcking ideal, for Christ’s sake. My motto is: live fast, die young, everything happens for a reason. But it seems that everybody around me can apply to my very own motto, except for me. Why?

Why can't I be the one I want to be?

WHO IS STOPPING ME FROM DOING WHAT I WANT?

I always feel the pressure from someone. The pressure that I can't do it, that if I do it I will look ridiculous. I want to be the cool girl that lives inside of me but I just can't show it to the others. I feel intimidated by the others' opinions. It gets me on my nerves when people say that I can't. You know, I could easily tell them: watch me or something like that, but...I'm not brave enough to do it.

Will I have to live with this kind of life forever?

I'm lost

Today I woke up feeling anxious, full of insecurities and fears. I woke up feeling sad. That’s why I decided to put much more effort into my makeup and clothes: without these, I would be nothing. There's no sense in trying to understand me or comprehend me or study me or over-analyze me. I'm just one insecure little girl. One out of millions out there. 

I spend my days trying to mold my body, my face, my hair and it's never enough. I'm always less of what I really wanna be. It doesn't matter at what time of the day you look at me, I'm always lost. I've been having the same dream for five nights now: I don't pass a final I have already passed in real life. I've passed it a few months ago and I still can't believe it. Or I do believe it but I just don't accept it. I probably did not deserve to pass anyways. Or the grade I got. I did not deserve it because I'm not enough. I'm not that person. On my mind, my ideal me is impossible to achieve. That's why people say my aura screams 'don't even try'. I'm unreachable even for myself. 

I hide behind a mask of humbleness and charity and kindness because inside of me all that's left is pure poison. I'm rotten. I kill everyone around me. I've killed myself at least a thousand times. I've hurt myself up to a point where everyone around is far more superior than me. I see them that way. If I like you, I either kill you or move far away from you. I've distanced myself from everyone I've ever loved. I killed myself, there was no other way round. 

I'm unreachable because I don't exist. I'm ephemeral, I'm already dead. 

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01 - a reflection upon stars

Antoine De Saint-Exupery left for us one of the greatest gifts on earth: a sky full of little bells that know how to laugh. If you have read  The Little Prince (which I strongly recommend you to) you will get what I mean.

Each thing on earth has a different meaning for each person on earth. For some, a piece of paper may mean just a piece of garbage, whereas for others it could mean everything they have. Well, according to Saint-Exupery, the same happens with the stars we see in the sky. Once an idea is introduced to your mind, it’s actually really hard to let it go or erase it (at least if you’re listening carefully and paying attention). So, once you’ve been told the stars are little bells that have the ability to laugh, you won’t be able to look at them the same way as before.

Funny, isn’t it?

Well, I don’t really know if it’s funny, but it’s definitely magical. That’s pure magic, right there.

Once you know that in one of the many many many stars in the sky lives a very Little Prince, someone who’s probably laughing happily, enjoying what’s invisible to the eye, well… you can’t really get past that, can you?

Life is full of mysteries. Where do we come from? Where do we go? Why are we here?

The grown up man is in a constant quest: always looking for answers, always looking for something else to fulfill a desire he doesn’t even know he has. The human being is constantly hungry. Hungry for answers.

What happens once you can’t find the answers you need? You get frustrated. You get angry. You create answers because those questions just can’t remain unanswered. You can’t stand it.

Well, how would you explain, then, that now every time you look at the sky all you’ll see are just little bells laughing? You could probably tell me that this Little Prince lives in just one laughing bell, the rest are still stars. Yeah, right, that’s totally fine. Now… how do you know the exact star where the Little Prince lives? It’s impossible! How do you know you’re not right? Like… you could point at any star really, but still, there’s no proof. No one really knows where the Little Prince lives, so it’s better to say that all of the stars could be his home. Even so, all of the stars are nothing more than just little bells that know how to laugh.

Ah, this is really important. This is what makes you different from anyone else. To anyone who hasn’t read this, or the book, the sky is silent. It’s completely silent. All they can see are just mute stars, playing around and joining us each night. But you, my dear friend, you have the ability to see beyond that. Open your window tonight, and trust me, you’ll be able to hear the bells laughing all along. You, my dear friend, have been given the greatest gift on earth: the gift of knowledge.

xxx

-A-

“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems... But all these stars are silent. You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them... In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me... You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh”  ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

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00 - just to clear up some things...

well, hello there. it’s me, the sequence project.

so, some of you may (or may not) know me from WordPress (you have the link to my blog there at the huge block on the top of this page, where all my social networks are). i just got a little bored of it, the interface wasn’t working well and i felt like i couldn’t let my creative flow out. so, yeah, i packed bags and moved to Tumblr.

i will probably paste most of my posts from there here, but i lost the majority of them. so… maybe it’s better if i start all over (¿?). who knows…. i surely don’t.

so yeah, i wanted to clarify that lol. honestly, no one’s gonna read this but i felt like explaining this mess i made to someone, anyone.

Oh.

another very important thing: i have added my twitter up there, in the social box. i wanted to let you know that it’s actually in spanish, my mother tongue.. so yeah, i tweet mostly in spanish (i don’t tweet a lot tho), so maybe you won’t be able to read my tweets ¿? but idk, i felt the need to put it up. feel free to follow me there if you want to and tweet me also, i will surely reply to you in english J

anyways, I just wanted to clarify these things. you also have the links to my personal Instagram. Maybe some time in the future i’ll create a facebook page for this blog, and also a twitter account in English… who knows… i surely don’t.

see you real soon… probably in ten minutes cause i will probably write something and post it.

xxx

-A-