adaydreamersdiary

[adaydreamersdiary]

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”

— j. iron word

[adaydreamersdiary]

Hopeless romantic

I was always a hopeless romantic but somehow I thought falling in love wasn’t in the cards for me. 

But lately I find myself falling in love with the smiles of strangers. The way their eyes start to sparkle, their nose starts to crinkle and some even blush. 

I fall in love with people who talk passionately about their lives, the things they went through and what moves their soul. 

But also with people who listen and keep a conversation going for hours and hours because there are so many interesting things to talk about. The people who wonder about what lies beyond the universe and all the things life may still have in store for us. 

I fall in love with strangers, slowly moving their feet to the sound of the music they listen to. The ones who are slowly caressing the pages of the book they are currently sunken in or quietly reciting every word of their favorite movie.  The ones whose eyes light up at the sight of a butterfly, who raise their face up to the sky as they catch the first drops of rain on a hot summer day. 

I fall in love with strangers wherever I go, maybe one day a stranger will also fall in love with me?

[adaydreamersdiary]

[adaydreamersdiary]

Anaïs Nin, The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1923–1927

[adaydreamersdiary]

I want love

When I was younger, I used to be so mesmerized by romantic movies.  The way people found love in people, they never really thought would be it until something magically changed and they realized, that person has been there all along. Watching those movies turned me into an hopeless romantic at heart.

Although, I never tried searching for love, I always hoped, that I would get the happy ever after and falling in love with your best friend kind of love. 

But as I got older I also realized that finding this is not that easy...  The challenges of life had made me complicated and I struggled with letting people get close to me more and more. 

I always keep people at a safe distance. Close enough to where we can form some kind of bond but still far enough so that they don’t see all the pain and the daily struggles. I guess I’m afraid that if they know how messed up I can be, that I’ll scare them away and never hear from them again.. 

That doesn’t make finding love easier though. 

I am a hopeless romantic. I’m not made for lonely nights. I find myself longing for love more and more these days. With that comes this feeling of anxiousness. Do I even deserve to be loved? Will there ever be anyone who will understand? Accept me for who I am, with all the demons, because they know that I am worth their love?  

The thought of maybe not finding someone scares the shit out of me... 

[adaydreamersdiary]

I never really understood why kissing was such a big deal. But then you kissed me. And oh boy, I never wanted to stop. Feeling the sparks through my entire body, that feeling was surreal. I could do that for days and days on end. You tasted so good, kissing you was one of the most addictive things I’ve ever done. But now you aren’t here to kiss me. You’ve got me wishing that we’d never kissed.

What if nobody makes my heart flutter the way you did?

[adaydreamersdiary]

Self Isolation Update

Life has been weird recently, hasn’t it?

I’ve been in self isolation for almost 2 Months now and I feel like it’s starting to take a toll on me, even though I know there’s so much to do at home. However, it’s just hard. I am longing for a sunny day in the park near the small lake, with my friends, my dog and some good food. That would be ideal right now. 

I am so happy that the semester ist starting up back soon. It will give me some more things to do and I hope I’ll be able to do good. Then my days won’t be sleep - clean-eat-clean-sleep. 

I just miss normal life but I also get that this could potentially go on for a while and I don’t want to be rebellious and against the rules if that means the risk of getting sick and then getting others sick. 

How are you guys doing? What have you been up to during this time?  How are you planning your days so that you’re staying sane? 

[adaydreamersdiary]

Roller coaster ride

It’s me again. 

Life has been good lately. I started going to Uni again, which was incredibly scary in the beginning but thankfully I got used to it pretty fast. 

I’m also working on these great projects, one ist a mixed media movie we’re producing and the other one being a podcast. 

There has also been a guy, who I might dedicate a full post to. Things between us have been great and I could feel myself being truly happy for the first time in a long time. 

I also found a part time job that I could do next to Uni, to get some money that I can save up for travels and concerts, etc. 

But things have changed in the last week and for some reason I feel like crying everyday. I feel like something is pressing on my chest and my heart, making it hard to breathe at times. It’s like my head is stuck in this dark and rainy cloud and just can’t get out from underneath it. 

I should be so happy, that things have been working out so great recently but instead this happens, which really bothers me. 

[adaydreamersdiary]

Get to know me

I started this Blog as a way to reflect on my life and share some of my deepest thoughts with you, in hopes that maybe I can reach some people who feel the same way or share the same thoughts as me. Maybe there’s even the possibility to start a conversation between us. 

Today, however, I wanted to share some facts about me, so that you can maybe get to know me better. 

I would also love to get to know you better. So if you’d like, copy these questions and send me a message with the answers. Or you could tell me anything else about you, that you would like me to know. I’d really love to read your messages.

1. What is your name?  

My name is Sara

2. How old are you? 

I am 22 one years old

3. What’s your zodiac sign? 

Taurus

4. What’s your hair color? 

Currently, it’s ginger but I’m a natural dark blonde

5. What’s your eye color?

Hazel

6. Favorite color? 

Blue 

7. Favorite food? 

Indian, Croatian and Sushi

8. Favorite TV Shows?  

One Tree Hill, Supernatural, This is us, The Bold Type, Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, Suits, Brooklyn Nine Nine and so many more

9. What’s your dream job? 

Being a producer/ director working in Film or TV

10. What’s your guilty pleasure? 

Watching reality TV shows, singing and dancing (in the most embarrassing way possible) to Bollywood music

11. If you could live anywhere where would it be? 

Los Angeles or London

12. Who’s your celebrity crush? 

Males: Jensen Ackles, Ian Harding, Ryan Reynolds, Zac Efron Females: Demi Lovato, Katie Stevens, Selena Gomez

13. Aspects you like most about yourself? 

Looks: Eyes and lips Personality: I am a very open, honest and non-judgemental person

14. How would you describe yourself in 5 words? 

Loyal, passionate, creative, funny, lonely

That’s it from me. 

I promise I’ll try to post more regularly. 

And if this is your first time reading a post of mine, then welcome and I hope you’ll stick around for a while.  I hope you’re having an amazing day. 

[adaydreamersdiary]

Treatment

Hey there, 

its been a while, and if this is your first post of mine, then welcome. 

Things have been quite crazy over the past months. I checked myself into treatment which was the scariest thing I have ever done. The first week there was exhausting and I was flooded with emotions and new things to learn but as time went by it got easier. 

I have been there for 7 weeks now and it has been the hardest but also best time of my life. I have met some of the most amazing people there. Good hearted people that will do anything to support a stranger they don’t even know that well.  This experience has been surreal. It’s like this ideal community where everyone understands each other, no one would dare to make fund of someone else and everyone goes out of their way to support each other. 

I have learned a lot about myself and all the things that were making me feel the way I’ve been feeling. I have also gotten a new diagnosis, which feels weird but also relieving. 

I only have 2 more weeks to go and I don’t even want to think about what happens after that. I just know that I’m going to miss this place terribly. 

If you are going through anything bad right now and need to talk, don’t hesitate to message me. Also I can only recommend getting help. I know its scary but it might be the best time of your life.

[adaydreamersdiary]

What happened?

I haven’t written anything on here for a while...  There are many reasons for this which I’ll try to explain.  For the last couple of months, uni has been killing me. I have been flooded with group projects where people just left me hanging until I had to do it all by myself. 

This lead to crazy working hours for me. I would have to get up at 6 am each morning and just do uni work until 3 am the next day. This was okay for me for about 2 months and then things went downwards very quickly.  I was getting very overworked and couldn’t sleep at all anymore. That then lead to me slowly falling into depression which made everything harder and harder to do. 

There were so many projects which were physically not possible to do for one person by themselves, yet I still had to take on the work that was actually supposed to be done from 7 people.  Then one day came around where everything was just way too much and I broke down. I cried my eyes out because I was tired, my body was hurting and my brain did not want to function anymore. That evening, my legs just gave in under me because of how exhausted I was and fell into a table.

I felt worse each day and the comments from my classmates did not help at all. They would tell me to suck it up and that they also felt “sad” sometimes but that they did not make it that big of a deal of it. 

I just didn’t know what to do. So I decided that I wanted to get help from somewhere. However, it turns out that getting help is not as easy here. I wrote to almost every psychologist in my city but everyone was booked. I then went to my doctor and asked if she could maybe recommend me a treatment facility which I could go to. She said that she could but that it also normally takes around 6 months for the paperwork to get done and I couldn’t wait that long. 

I was hopeless. Uni was getting more and more stressful each day and my depression was also getting worse day by day. 

I somehow managed to show up for the important things at uni anyway and perform the way I was supposed to but it took so much energy that sometimes I would sleep for 16 hours straight after the day was done. 

I still contacted different treatment facilities to try and find help and 1 of the dozens of facilities I called gave me an interview appointment. 

The interview was today and it went really well. I was told that I could start very soon, which I am pretty excited about.  However, the people from my group projects are still dumping everything on me and they just don’t understand that I’m currently not able to do the work anymore. I don’t know what to do about them or how to get them to understand what is happening... 

I’ll keep trying though. 

[adaydreamersdiary]

Stressful times

I have been struggling with this huge creative block recently and I tried to write so many posts for this blog but I just can’t do it somehow. 

Things have been incredibly stressful. The new semester has started and I am working on 6 different group projects, trying to study, keeping up with the household and it’s all just a little bit much. 

The worst thing is this one group project I have been working on. Even though we are a group of seven people, they always manage to dump all the work on me.They don’t show up to our meetings, don’t do any work and then have the nerve to complain when something isn’t going the way they want it to. 

This project has been stressing me out so much because I have been spending all my time on it and everything else has been suffering so much under the pressure of it. 

I feel like I might slowly start to go crazy if my schedule keeps on going like that. This creative block also doesn’t help since I’m studying in a creative program. 

I just don’t know what to do..

[adaydreamersdiary]

Fate / Destiny: A story

Do you believe in things like fate and destiny?  I don’t really know if I do. I’d like to think that it exists because sometimes things just feel like they are supposed to be exactly how they are at this very moment. 

I used to have this feeling a lot. When I was so happy with my life and everything in it, that I could not believe that there was a chance for it to be different. 

I’m writing this because I recently had a run in with someone who makes me feel like this whenever we meet. 

When I was in elementary school I was an outsider. I did not have many friends or anything. I desperately wanted this to change when I changed school for 5th grade. It was then when I met him. He was this really outgoing, goofy guy with dark curly hair and the most chocolate brown eyes I have ever seen. He also had this laugh and smile that would make you feel happy instantly.  I quickly decided that I wanted to be friends with him and for some reason he apparently wanted to be friends with me as well. 

We were inseparable from then on. We would spend the whole day at school together and the time after that. Our days would be spend with laughter and pure happiness. Whenever I was sad or just didn’t feel good, he would instantly know and come over to just make it better and I would do the same for him. I could never imagine my life without him and I was sure that we would be friends forever. He was the one person who got me to be more open and I am 100% certain that if it wasn’t for him, that I would not be the outgoing, loving and fun person that I am today.

This went on for 2 years until he had to repeat a class. Things had changed after summer break and for some reason when we saw each other at the first day back of 8th grade it all felt different..  I was heartbroken and the pure thought of him not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore would break my heart a little more each time.  I mean we would still be friendly but we didn’t see each other much anymore.

One day, as I was walking out of school, some guys that were older than me were walking behind me and making fun of me and then I heard him coming around some corner and telling the guys to leave me alone. I was incredibly thankful for that. We then walked together for a while until we had to go in different directions. 

I haven’t seen much of him after that but I also never forgot about him.

Fast forward 4 years. I was now at a different school and we had this school dance that I was going to with some of my friends. I wasn’t feeling too well but decided to go after all just to make my friends happy. My friends and I we all danced and had a good time until my bad mood broke in again and I had to go outside for some fresh air. Before I knew it I cried and all of a sudden I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was. Looking at me, slowly sitting down and then comforting me as if nothing ever happened. We caught up and talked some more that night, until we both had to go home. 

Fast forward 1.5 years in which I haven’t heard anything from him. 

I was invited to a friends house for a small round of beer pong and just a fun night with some of my longest friends from school. I got there a little bit too early so I helped setting up. The doorbell rung and my friend asked me to get it.  I couldn’t believe my eyes when he was standing there and he looked just about as stunned. That night we caught up again and we again had an amazing time. 

We would see each other at more of those get togethers for about 1.5 years.  The gatherings would stop after that because all of our friends were now done with school and started to work or went on a gap year, which I did as well.  So I didn’t see him anymore after that.

After a year I moved and started going to university. Fast forward 1.5 years, again. (We are now talking about this weekend ( March 10th.) 

I had just finished getting settled back into my apartment after living in Stuttgart for the last few months. Tonight was my kindergarten friends 21st birthday and I was not prepared at all. I was tired and sick and just didn’t feel like going at all, but because I am a good friend I decided to go and just stay for two hours. 

We met at this bar and had some drinks. My friends decided that they had never seen me tipsy and that today was the night to see it. So we had some more drinks. And time went on and on. I had planned to leave when the group moved on to go clubbing but now that I had some drinks I changed my mind.  We went to the club and danced and enjoyed ourselves as I saw some weird guy out of the corner of my eye. He was standing next to me and just staring at me with this stunned look. When I decided to fully turn my head to look at him, I realized that it was him. The boy who once was my best friend.  He looked better than ever and instantly embraced me in the tightest hug I have ever felt. He then took my hand and we walked away from the music to just catch up on life. He looked so happy to see me and I know I was overjoyed. We had a fantastic time catching up and reminiscing about the good old times, until I almost choked on my drink when he said that he now went to study in this small city and all. When I asked where he studied, he said my city. He lives really close to me and we immediately exchanged numbers. 

Anyways, what I wanted to say with this very long story is that he was the one to find me when I was at my lowest point in 5th grade and he continued finding me at my lowest points to this day. How can this not be fate or destiny? 

I just hope that this time we won’t have to wait so long to see each other again. It would be a shame...

[adaydreamersdiary]

#thepersonalquotes

[adaydreamersdiary]

What my internship taught me:

A chapter of my life has come to an end and I thought I*d share some of the things I learned, during my internship as a social media manager in an agency, with you. So here we go: 

Stop doubting yourself There is a reason why you were hired and people will trust you with your ideas. Every person has a unique point of view on topics and all of these are appreciated when it comes to creating content

Don’t worry so much Working in the creative industry means constantly working on new ideas and then plans being changed again and projects will go into a completely different direction than what you’ve been working on. This doesn’t have anything to do with the work you do, these are normal processes. I found out that if people don’t like the work you do they will let you know so don’t worry too much about it otherwise.

Pay attention This was an important one for me because once you recognize patterns in the behavior of your coworkers it will be so much easier to do work for them. Pay attention to their preferences in areas that are important for your work. Learn to read them so you can quickly get a impression of their opinion.

Give every idea a chance I had to brainstorm a lot about all sorts of different content options we could create and what I found is that while some idea might not seem that good to you, don’t throw it away. Maybe that exact same idea isn’t completely thought out but if someone else sees it they might have even more ideas that go with it and it might turn out to be a great thing after all. 

Always be open for feedback Feedback of all kinds doesn’t necessarily mean that the work you have done is bad but when someone looks over it they might have some ideas to bring it on a different level of greatness. 

If you want something, ask for it People will not be able to read your mind and often some things just might not occur to them. So if you want to take up a cool opportunity that has been presented to you or if you would like to have a meeting with someone so they can teach you more about their work, ask for it and if they agree but forget, remind them. 

Don’t be afraid to ask questions Going with the point above, don’t hesitate to ask questions if you don’t understand something or need help for something. It’s best If these questions are being talked about early on so that you can do your work more efficiently.

Take all the opportunities you can which will help you learn You are at your internship to learn so soak up everything you can. Ask for people to teach you things if they have time and if your company or agency has multiple different creative branches, ask if you can get a look at their work as well. Who knows when you will get the same opportunities again. 

Don’t be afraid to be yourself You are unique and that’s what your company needs to bring them to the next level. Let our your personality and don’t hold back too much. It will make it easier for you to work with your coworkers and you will feel free while at work.

Stop apologizing If you are like me, chances are that you will constantly apologize for everything. Stop that. Not only is it unnecessary but it will also make it feel less sincere when you really wholeheartedly want to apologize for something.  More info: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16539/why-you-should-stop-apologizing-so-much.html

Don’t play down your accomplishments My boss would call me occasionally and thank me for the great work I did on a project and my response would be something like “It’s okay, I’m just doing my job like everyone else does.”. Overtime I heard myself say something like that I could have slapped myself just the moment after. Not only would it make my work seem less impressive but people would also get used to me working like this and less appreciation would be shown. I worked my behind off for most of these projects and I deserved this call and appreciation. So instead of playing it down, try saying thank you or something like “it was fun working this hard for a project like that.”. 

Networking / socializing is key I know this can be exhausting but it will definitely be worth it, so socialize. Sit at different tables during lunch break. Start conversations when getting coffee in the kitchen and just make a little bit of effort. You never know when your connections will come in handy plus it will make working in the office way more fun. 

[adaydreamersdiary]

You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are not worthless. You are not weak. You are not a burden. Your anxiety is lying to you.

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

[adaydreamersdiary]

Coming out

Hi, my name is Sara and I need to tell you a short story.

Ever since I was little I knew that I was into boys. I knew that girls and boys were supposed to fall in love at some point and that because of that you should not be too boyish and not be too friendly with the boys. I knew that I once wanted to get married and that I want to have children, which was only possible with boys an I would always hear about how everything that is outside this “normal” picture is not really okay. 

But when I had my first kiss with 10, everything changed for me. It happened at a friends house, we would always meet up with one more friend and do our homework and study. After that we would be allowed to play with all the toys my friend had. Everything happened as usual until my two other friends decided that they were bored and wanted to do something different which they apparently tried once before. They told me to close my eyes and all of a sudden I could feel it. I had the lips of another girl on mine and I sort of liked it.

A whole new world opened up for me. One of confusion, anxiety and hidden adventures. After that first kiss, something in me that I didn’t know existed before was sparked and it scared the heck out of me. 

I kissed a girl and I actually liked it. How did this happen? Was I gay now? What is my family going to think? Is this a phase? Am I going to have to hide this side of me forever?  All of these questions seemed to haunt me until I would see her again and it would happen again. When I was with her, I would feel free and I wasn’t scared anymore because I knew that I just liked it. 

We went to different schools later and our friendship didn’t make it. The same questions haunted me for years. Was I really gay? Do I like boys? Why can’t I just be normal? I just had so many things on my mind. 

One day I decided to embark on an adventure to inform myself about all the different sexualities that exist and to watch a hundred different coming out videos. I found out that there was more than just being gay and being straight. That there was a whole spectrum of sexuality. 

At some point along the line I decided that I was just open to both. Males and females and maybe also anything in-between. I have not come out to my family or friends yet. Not because I am ashamed but because I want to enjoy this first before hell will break loose. I don’t know if they will understand. Sometimes it seems like it’s the easiest thing to just not say anything until I have found someone and to just then tell them about significant other. 

I guess I will figure this out along the way but for now, I will keep on just being proud of myself and pursuing what I like and love.