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[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Me: *just minding my business*

Lady below me: *trying to get her kids to sit still

Me: *scoots closer*

Lady: IF YOU DON’T BEHAVE BATMAN WILL COME TAKE YOU!

Me: *over the side* it’s true Batman took my son because he didn’t listen.

It’s true. He took my dog, Lark, for ice cream and it’s been thee hours

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Jason: Dee have you seen all those Gothamite TikToks?

Me: yes sir (I say as I’m spinning full speed in my chair)

Jason: you should totally post one about the time Two Face taught you how to flip a coin while waiting for the police.

Tim: Nah she should do a TikTok about that time she almost moved to metropolis and saw rent for a similar apartment was almost $5,000

Dick: or what about her and Riddler’s poker games

Me: can y’all stop exposing me and my crimes

Bruce: or about that time Lex Luthor got swarmed by birds after calling you something I shall not repeat

Tim: that did bring so much joy. Proof the city hates him as much as the rest of us.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Jason: *covering his head after I smacked him* ow what was that for

Me: What the hell are you doing telling people we're a couple? *holding up Vikki Vale’s newest story*

Jason: *smirking* Oh, heard that through the grapevine, did you?

#onlyingotham does your best friend get you back by stirring the rumor mill and bringing back the rumor you two are dating.

Update

I got him back.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Jason: say it again Dee

Me: what?”

Dick: say what?

Jason: Dee now is not the time to bullshit. Tell Dick what you told me.

Me: my first crush was the second Robin?

Dick: what was wrong with the first one? *looks like he is genuinely hurt*

Me: noodle boy. He was disturbingly flexible and it grossed me out. Nightwing is too, but I’ve been desensitized.

Jason: what about Redhood?

Me: nope. We aren’t talking about this

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

#onlyingotham do you hear the vigilantes sing songs from Trolls 3

I’m just saying it’s a show to watch Spoiler, Redhood, Nightwing, Red Robin, and Signal sing and dance to “Better Place”.

(Also sorry I haven’t been active. I thought I was in love and turns out I was right to live in isolation)

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

A conversation with RedHood

Me: Bacon, Brisket, Magnolia and Magnolia’s spawns are useless. What is the point these cats when this happens!

Redhood: when what happens?

Me: mice! There are mice in my home and my killer cat produced spawn that will not kill and she’s to lazy to

Redhood: Maggie’s just on retirement *holding Magnolia to his chest*

Me: she’s two! If she can retire so can I

Redhood: no she’s an angel and a mother. You’re a depressed person who needs purpose

Me: what about Brisket and Bacon? What about the kittens

Redhood: angels. You’re just jealous

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Times I’ve watched Bruce pick up his kids (+me)

Dick: I was just sitting there when Dick read one of those post about “one day your parent just never picked you up again”. Next thing we know Bruce has him scooped up like an infant and take him somewhere

Jason: he fell and twisted his ankle when we were at a gala. Bruce picked him up and carried him to the car. I don’t know what happened after that.

Cass: I was visiting the home. Bruce answered the door and Cass was just on his shoulders. She looked like a pleased cat. I swear I saw Bruce passing her snacks.

Tim: a sick Timothy Wayne decided to walk into work. Bruce took one look, threw him over his shoulder, and walked out. Rumor has it Tim was in bed for a week

Damian: idk why but he had Damian under his arm like a misbehaving purse dog

Duke: I came into work and Bruce was walking around with Duke on his hip. Duke didn’t feel well and didn’t want to be alone.

Me: I had an issue with my ✨anxiety✨ where I would faint. It was worse when I’m tired. I came too with him moving me out of a door way

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

5 cannon events that will turn me evil

5. My brother saying if Batman was more dedicated he’d look like Miguel O’Hara, with Batman and Robin there

4. Joker flooded the streets with a slime infused with Joker Toxin, it was Thursday which is the day the dogs and I get ice cream from Sonic

3. Riddler and Red Robin teamed up for three weeks to mess with everyone. No I don’t understand why I just know they reprogrammed my rumba and now it’s somewhere in Arkham with his own cell, I miss Gingey

2. Batgirl shattered my big, glass patio doors and windows. My animals are not happy with the tarp and I think the neighbors think I’m killing my cats

1. This is the worse and I’m about to die because of this: VICKI VALE WROTE A COLUM ACCUSING JASON AND I OF DATING! Her only evidence was a picture of us sleeping against each other on the train that Dickolas posted on social media.

Update

Window and doors are fixed. I have one reason off the list.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Bat fam holding babies

Batman: *very professional, holds it close to himself and rocks when gets fussy*

Nightwing: *he’s a bit lose on his hold. Nearly screamed when the baby farted*

Redhood: *practically melts. Cooing as he holds the baby and bounces slightly as they go along*

Red Robin: *calculated, neutral as he holds. Can multitask as he holds*

Robin: *stiff does not look like he’s enjoying it. Baby held his hand to Robin’s cheek and the little guy smiled*

Signal: *put the baby in sling. Every twenty minutes he was checking to make sure the head was supported*

Orphan and Spoiler: *neither held one, the did lay beside them and helped them reach toys*

Data was collected because I went from three to six niblings. I was babysitting the infants: my brother Mickey’s daughter Suzanna and Ben’s twins: Astrid and Alexi

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

I just realized Bruce has almost reached my mom’s level of legal kids. If he ever takes legal custody of any of the kids he’s bonded to emotionally we’re going to have to do an episode of Hoarders.

Btw this was not an original thought, this came from my brother Mickey and confirmed by Red Hood when I brought it up.

Update

To the HR staff that emailed me: I am the fifth of nine! Bruce has legal custody of six, I’m holding this over him forever.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

It's my 7 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

#onlyinGotham do you buy enough fireworks and the Gotham city PD show up because the neighbors heard screaming

So Jason, Jamie, and I bought a lot, and I mean a lot of fireworks. To the point we’ve filled a U-haul. Bruce offered to let us shoot off at his place without checking.

It was all pretty safe until we started stacking them on top one another and tying the fuses together. It turned into us yelling and dive bombing to avoid getting hit. Jason screams like a girl just FYI.

Some neighbor called the cops, but they just asked us to not light five at a time.

Jason, Dick, Tim, and I upped it to six one time though

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

#onlyingotham do you and the vigilantes get into a debate about mortal combat characters and it gets to the point your neighbors call the cops because you and Nightwing got into a heated debate about who’s better to play as; Jade or Erron Black.

If it’s not obvious Nightwing adores Jade and I’m all about the Cowboy

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

Happy Pride Gotham! For Pride this year you might have noticed Bruce's shirts this week or the fact that we managed to paint all our cross walks like a Pride flag. You might have also noticed the Bat's choices in capes, thank you Red Robin for your Bi Flag cape.

I will give it to Bats though, and my brother Jamie's partner Malik. Malik got Batman to help them safely to the top of Wayne Tower so he could propose.

#onlyingotham does Batman help you propose to your partner by getting you somewhere completely dangerous and impossible to get to on your own.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

So #onlyingotham does your brother call you to ask you to call him back when you’re near Signal or Batman because he needs baby names for his twins due next month.

If anyone sees Ben Reyes in Metropolis tell him I said *insert raspberry*

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

So if you’ve been keeping up I’ve been hunting Riddler for something he pulled in Missouri. It’s taken me two, almost three weeks, but I finally found him.

At the supermarket

At four in the morning

While I was buying bleach, a shovel, and a car battery. We made eye contact at check out. I got done first and he abandoned his cart like I wasn’t going to push my cart as hard as I could into him in the parking lot.

He went down and I got my vengeance.

Little update because Batman and his birds accused me of murder

Bleach was for my bath tub. One of my dogs *cough* Hemlock *cough* had a whole exorcist level poo in there.

Shovel was for a community garden, I got a plot.

Car battery is for science.

Eddie/Riddler is fine. After running him over with a shopping cart he apologized. We’re hanging out next Tuesday.

[bruce-wayne-least-favorite-pa]

So I went to St Louis recently. My dad is from there so we went to a cardinals game the week we were visiting his side of the family.

Tell me why I’m sitting there, drinking my tequila sunrise, and enjoying the view that is Tyler O’Neil and Nolan Arenado when the Riddler comes on the Jumbotron saying this is the real test of Batman, see if he’ll save a city he has no loyalty too. I’m still here so clearly he did, but that’s not the point.

Fuck you Eddie just wait till card night! You better be there or I’m gonna hunt you down myself!