elenabugblog

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Does that love for life ever come back? Once it’s gone, is it gone forever?

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I’m a prisoner in my own mind

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Or maybe the drugs that I’m taking are taking my soul

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What happens when you become the main source of their pain??

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Pain killers don’t help when the pain that you’re killing is yourself

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Why can’t I get you out of my head???

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Am I not enough? I’m not enough to be sober around? My parents. My friends. My lovers. I’m not enough for anyone.

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You ever drink so much just to forget the way their hands felt on your body. But instead of forgetting you end up remembering every fucking suffocating non-consenting detail? Fuck....

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Wana kill yourself slowely? Continue to love someone who doesn’t love you.....

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Is the person you need the same person you want??

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4 am

5 April 2020. 04:21am

4am is for the dismantled souls crying uncontrollably in their pillow. Screaming “Fucking why me??”. Fucking forcing yourself to smile throughout the day. “Yes I’m fine. Just tired. Been working a lot.”. All while your soul is being ripped in pieces from the devil himself. 4am is the real you. The scary you. Because you’re alone. You’re alone in your thoughts. 4am is the time when diminishing souls can finally fall apart. As you’re laying face down in the pillow, soaked in salted tears and despair- you ask the devil to call the Kiss of Death. You tell him you’re ready.

04:37am

She is wearing a black veil, laced with grace. A gorgeous black laced dress that takes your breath away, ironic huh? Her feet don’t even touch the ground. She fly’s to you, swiftly with elegance. Once she kisses you your body will begin to shut down. Organ by organ. Your heart will beat at a slower pace, depriving your entire body of oxygen. Shutting down more systems in your soon-to-be corpse. You’ve been waiting for this for 13 years. “Please kiss me, take all this agony away” you say to her. She removes her black laced veil. Piercing green eyes and ready to take your soul. Are you ready? Are you sure? You pucker out your plump pink lips, she wastes no time. Kisses you with her crimson, warm soft lips. You feel your body get heavier and heavier. Your eyes close. You are numb, you can’t move. Your heart beats 12 more beats, then quits on you. Just like everyone in your life. You are a soulless corpse now. Will you be missed darling?

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I fucking hate you dad.

Why the fuck would you touch me?

I am your god damn daughter.

What the fuck??

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You know how when you reveal to people that you have c-PTSD, so you’re severely fucked up. And they say “Well you already lived through the hardest part. Now you have to heal.”

Hold on. Wait just a damn minute. During all those counts of abuse- I was numb. My heart and soul disconnected from my fucking body.

Now that I’m away. Now I feel everything. Sobriety sucks because even though I was stuck remembering and feeling- I could drink it away and suppress it back. Whisky made me numb again- if I drank enough of it. Now I feel it all again. No where to turn but “healthy outlets” which don’t take it all away.

So I’m not really sure when everyone tells me that the hardest part is over is true. It doesn’t feel like it.

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I still feel your fucking hands all over me.

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Scars

More so recently (because I have more scars on my arm now) I have gotten more questions about my scars. Last week a client asked if it happened at work, I said yes. And this past weekend on a fucking date, he was holding my hand and traveled up to my arm with his fingers. He ran across a specific scar and asked, “You aren’t going to do this to yourself again... right?...” All I could do was stare forward.

Like fuck dude, I don’t know....

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Do you ever just feel yourself getting bad again??

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Nightmare last night

I had a nightmare last night and I woke up crying and in a sweat. 

I had a dream that I was sitting at a table with another woman and a man. In the dream I was dating the man and he was physically abusing me over and over while the woman just watched and occasionally told him to stop. 

Finally I see authorities and I am so grateful. As I am reporting what the man has done to me, the officer put his hand up my skirt and told me to shut up. I then woke up.

IT FELT SO REAL and reminded me of my marriage...