emptifylie - Tumblr blog

[emptifylie]

I’m such a stupid stupid fucking bitch. I lost more weight hooray, day 42 of my fast haha!!! My ex, who i blocked last night, got unblocked this morning. The moment I unblocked him he called me and asked me why I did it. At first I lied and said I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Finally I told him how done with him I was and that I wanted him out of my life. He then told me that he’s liked me for 3 years and that he is “oh so sorrryyyyy” and that his current girlfriend is “a crazy anorexic” so THATS why he didn’t tell me about her. Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Oh my god. And the funny thing is, I BELIEVED HIM, I HUNG OUT WITH HIM TODAY. Only for him to tell me to hide when we ran into his girlfriend. Oh my godd. I’m so miserable. I actually DID hide. Why am I covering up for him. The worst part about it all was how fat I felt today. He kept bringing up his girlfriend and how skinny she is and how worried about her he is. How much he hates her. I can’t make this shit up. How could he tell me he likes me and then stay with her. I don’t even want him. I’m miserable. He keeps asking me not to block him again. I think i will. I’m drunk. I’ve had a headache for 3 months that has never went away.

[emptifylie]

i lost more weight (thank god finally) 124lbs. my goal is to be 110 by the end of may. in may im gonna be forced to "recover" lol but we all know thats not gonna happen. its day 41 of my fast btw lel

anyways today i blocked the boy who ruined my life lol. i was tired of the shit he was doing to me. im not nearly ugly or boring enough to have a man like that in my life. i dont feel anything. i thought id be more upset after everything he did to me, just for me to leave without saying goodbye but i wasnt. i thought maybe i'd feel happy to finally have him out of my life but im not. i dont know how i feel. all i know is that whatever im feeling, deep down, im gonna use it to help me lose the weight quicker. i went easy on myself today for the first time in a long time. i sat in bed most of the day. tomorrow that changes, im going to the gym, my goal is to burn at least 200-300 calories and since im still gonna be fasting i dont want to do too much. im gonna walk for the rest of the day and just think and try to feel something useful. i want to drink or take or smoke anything that isnt just weed or a fucking cig so fucking bad but i just blocked the only constantly available bad influence who is currently in my life. but i'll find someone new i guess lol. or maybe ill just continue being the bad influence for everyone else.

[emptifylie]

my parents started to worry about me today and it made me angry. it made me angry because it was a painful reminder that a week ago i felt thin enough to be worried about. i was so skinny but now i’m not. i don’t know why i’m so bloated. the past few days i’ve been feeling fatter each day. i still haven’t eaten. i thought i was gonna break my fast after a month and i still haven’t fucking eaten and WHAT IS IT ALL FOR?????? what the fuck is it all for if im so bloated that my body is hidden underneath a pregnant looking stomach. 127lbs. i’ve been 127lbs for 3-4 days. i was 121lbs. less than a week ago. what mysterious forces are making me gain weight bruh. anyways my parents tried to get me to eat today and it made me mad. i kept telling them im not hungry because i know that once they give me the food and i bring it to my room im immediately going to throw it out. my mother works so hard to cook for us and always makes the most incredible food and i’ve started to feel empathy again lol so it sucks throwing it out. they still made me “eat” so i still had to waste the food and throw it out. why am i like this. soon i’m going away to college, just one or two more years. once im in college i can move to live on campus and even if i miraculously decide to recover before then, i know college will be the time for me to be as thin as possible for as long as possible. i just have to make it to college.

[emptifylie]

they never see your progress, just your flaws.

note to self.

[emptifylie]

they did it. they lost the weight, they got skinnier, they got down way lower than you ever did before giving up. they may pretend like it didn't happen, but you know better. you know they had more control than you, you know their limit was 300, you know how long they fasted for. are you really going to let them be better than you, all in the name of they want you healthy and happy? no. you will be skinny, and you will beat their scores, and you won't give in even if it means the hospital, or a casket. you will win. they won't have done better than you. you will win.

[emptifylie]

Thinspo dump 🌸🎀🩷

[emptifylie]

fuck. whatever idk how long over 35 days into my fast. i gained weight and i don’t what what the fuck it’s even coming from. i’ve been going to the gym(doing JUST cardio) the whole week and i gained 6lbs. i went from 121lbs to 127lbs in the span of like a day. ughhh i’m so depressed i’m so depressed. i finally came home from my “bender” lol and it hasn’t even ended. the only reason why it’s worse is because my parents are around and the guilt is so much worse when they look you in the eyes while you lie. i just feel so fucking awful. i wish i could just turn myself off for a couple months or years or however long it takes to get back to my old self without all the work. it’s been like 7 years since i’ve been normal. FUCKJK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUK FCUK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUK FCUK FCUK FCUK FCUK FCUK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

[emptifylie]

FUCK FUCK FUCK I FUCKING SUCK SO FUCKING BAD JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. i was feeling depressed last night so i chewed and spit food for the first time in a week. keep in mind i was still technically fasting(35 days in). i went from 121lbs to 127lbs in ONE SINGLE FUCKING DAY. AND I DIDNT EVEN SWALLOW THERES NO WAY. this is disgusting but i used a tounge scraper after every chew to make sure i didnt swallow ANYTHING. i gained 6 fucking lbs that hurt like hell to lose. i also did like 30 workouts yesterday including a run so i dont know how this is possible. im gonna count my fast as broken because i think i feel sorry for myself when i realize i havent eaten in over a month. i dont deserve to be felt sorry for. im not gonna actually eat, im just gonna start another fast. so i guess its fucking day 1. i hate my life.

GOAL FOR NEXT FAST: get to under 120lbs again by next week

rules for this new fast:

-NEVER CHEW AND SPIT EVER AGAIN

-dont feel sorry for urself lol

-take electrolytes everyday

-drink at least 200oz of water a day

-do a workout everday

-drink less

-dont break ur fast in under 2 weeks(thats some pussy shit)

-clean ur room everyday cuz living in a pigsty makes u depressed and ur more likely to look to something for comfort

-drink less diet soda lol

[emptifylie]

today sucked. its day 30-something of my fast (im not keeping track anymore lol). anyways though, today was the first day that i was alone in basically a month. i was so excited for a little peace but i had none. today i remembered why i hate being alone so much, and why i keep the people who hurt me around for so long. i was originally supposed to take acid with my ex today(plans we made while drunk). but this morning i decided that after what he did to me last time, i shouldn't risk my life for a couple tabs. instead i spent the day doing absolutely nothing. all i did was workout and lay on the floor, smoke, drink, and suddenly its 11pm and i have achieved nothing. i decided to go for a run to make myself feel better. music helped me get through the day so i was felt okay knowing i could listen to music on my run. my headphones broke 2 miles in. i pushed myself to run a little longer to the sound of cars rushing past me on the highway. without my headphones i recognized the silence of the world around me. sure, i could hear the cars, trains in the distance, the men on the side of the road making comments about me and the other women who occasionally pass by at this hour, muffled yelling springing from the surrounding homes, children crying, but behind all of that there is a silence that deafens anyone who listens close enough to hear it. ive been hearing this silence for so long and it wont go away. it never goes away. i can try to quiet the noise with music and people and drugs and everything else but it doesnt fucking go away.

[emptifylie]

i spent all of last night throwing up at my friends house(got too drunk). because i haven’t eaten in a month my vomit was rlly weird. neon green and later black too. its day 31 i think of my fast lol. my ex wont stop calling me and im getting close to blocking him. its gonna hurt so fucking bad to leave quietly, without first telling him how much he ruined me. it is 2:47am and the first time ive been alone in days. i am still drunk. i lost a lot of weight tho so everything is good, its fucking great actually. i lost another 3lbs so im almost at my goal weight and ill stop fasting. i think. i dont know how to stop when each day i look so much closer to what i want.

[emptifylie]

i lost 5lbs in the last two days and realized i was counting wrong the whole time. today is day fucking 30 of my fast. i don’t know how i’m alive. i don’t feel alive. i don’t look alive. nothing feels real. it’s been a week since i left home. im still going to school but only for a period (faded) and then i skip. i have been drunk and high for pretty much a week straight. nothing new except for maybe drinking this heavily. hopefully this isn’t serious and it doesn’t turn into another addiction on top of everything else. i don’t know how to open up about this on here but i think i got assaulted last night by a guy i used to date. i feel numb. i keep feeling like it didn’t even happen. that’s what it was like the first time with him. this time it felt worse though. i keep remembering things from last night and it’s rotting me from the inside out. i thought he wasn’t gonna do it again. the first time he did something like this i thought it was just the drugs that made him act like that. or maybe the meds he stopped taking at the time. now i realize that every single person who warned me about him was telling the truth. he hurt me and he keeps fucking hurting me and i keep letting him do it. i don’t even love him anymore i don’t care about him i don’t know why i didn’t make him stop. why couldn’t i fucking say anything. i’m scared that i will text him back. he’s been spamming me all day. i don’t want to text him back but i don’t trust myself to have my best interest in mind. i haven’t been alone in a week for a single minute and i have to act like im not about to pass out 24/7. i haven’t slept in 2 days. im surviving off 10 calorie energy drinks, black coffee, diet soda and water. i feel like i could be dying. im so dramatic fuck but i just feel so bad and empty and numb i don’t feel anything and that hurts more than anything real. nothing feels real. tomorrow i will wake up. pls lol. i need to force myself to end the fast sometime soon. just not today yet.

[emptifylie]

okay day 19 of my fast. lol. i am doing much worse mentally and a little worse physically. for a couple months i forgot how much my addiction affects me, but today it really hit me again. i have a stizzy pen, it died today. that really got me looking for other things to make me feel a little bit better, the pen felt like it stopped hitting me 2 days ago so these urges have been brewing. today i said yes to anything i was offered, bought my own shit too, and it all was too much. no one on ana tumblr gives a fuck abt this but it’s the only place where i can really speak my mind so i’m not gonna stop so fuck you shut up. anyways, my head is spinning, i feel bad. this happens everyday but now i mentally feel worse so everything is automatically horrible. i recently found out one of my (less close) friends has an ed cuz she opened up to me and now we’re basically ana buddies. we went on a long ass run today after drinking so we could burn all the cals. drunk run lol. i feel guilty for not trying to help her. i might be a piece of shit. of course i want her to get better, i worry for her but i know i can’t fix her. i can’t even fix myself. i’m a piece of shit. i can’t believe i turned out to be someone like this. i influence the people around me to do worse things for themselves for a couple hours of fun. i need to be a better person fuck man.i was surrounded by people today and still felt alone. it’s sickening. the physical and mental emptiness makes me feel so fuckingggggy alone. i’m not alone, i have to keep reminding myself of that. anyways. my grades have gone up by some miracle. i thank my 3 day sober self(4 months ago) who somehow got her act together so well that i’m passing all my classes.

okay also not breaking my fast yet. i think im just gonna do a whole month but i don’t know if i can physically take that right now. so i’ll just try to go as long as i can.

[emptifylie]

[emptifylie]

it’s day 16 of my fast. i truly considered breaking it today. i have a moment every day where i feel like i will pass out. i feel extremely weak. that being said, i still don’t want to stop. i lost another pound today and i look so much better. i’ve been getting compliments so much more and it feels so good to have those moments of validation throughout my day. today a man followed me while i was smoking and called me “cute skinny girl” in russian and as fucking annoying as that is, i love that people don’t think that i’m fat.

this is my body right now. i looks rlly bloated cuz i drank like 5 liters of water just now but i don’t think i look as fat as i did a month ago. but i still don’t feel validated. i feel too fat to be complaining about the effects from starvation so i’m gonna do a workout later today, i also walked 25k steps so that will hopefully help.

i’ve decided to put off getting sober until my brother comes home(in june). i know this is what all addicts do, put off getting sober until it’s too late but i really don’t care. i need drugs right now. starvation would probably kill me faster anyways. also my grades have gotten up A LOT, possibly because i’m always too high to process that i’m sitting in a classroom all day. it feels good to see my parents be proud of me. they noticed that i lost weight but i think if i just keep my grades up they won’t stop me from starving anymore.

[emptifylie]

fuck guys. i don’t want to die. as painful as it is to live like this i don’t want to die because of anorexia or my drugs addiction.most of the time, i try not to think about how this all effects my body, besides making me thinner. lately it feels impossible not to think about it. a few weeks ago i threw up blood 3 days in a row-but i was also drinking a lot all those days so idk. today i passed out for the first time in my life and i thought i was gonna die. everyday when i smoke it feels harder and harder to breathe. i have these weird and horrible, sharp, painful sensations in my heart. i feel weak 99% of the time. i starve most days out of the month, last month i only ate 5 days. i’m on day 11 of my fast and somehow i still don’t know when i’m going to stop. i never really look at the end goal so much, i like to focus on doing what is best for me in this moment. i don’t think i can do this anymore. i don’t want to keep getting sicker and sicker until i die but i don’t see how i could possibly stop after all i’ve been through. maybe i could take a break off drugs for a little while if i try my hardest, but how am i going to ever eat again like a human being. it’s so hard and it feels like no one gets it. the fact that i need to eat to survive but eating makes me feel like i’m the most suicidal, ugly, fat, depressed person in the world. the fact that i used to like who i was when i was sober but i can’t imagine being that person anymore after everything that’s happened. how am i ever gonna be the same? i’m so fucking sick of it man. i just want to function. that’s all i want. i don’t want my body to give up on me so soon. i could turn it around if i could just live like this a little longer.

god even after saying all this my mind is telling me that i’m not thin enough to be worried about death.

[emptifylie]

day 11 of my fast. i passed out at work today. i’ve never passed out fully, until today. it was one of the scariest moments of my life. i thought i was laced or something because i had just smoked 3 spilffs before. i was standing by the counter and had the sharpest pain in my heart and my ears started to go numb, my eye sight started getting really bad and blurry and that’s when i tried to sit down. i started sweating and shaking and everything started spinning. i must’ve been out for less than a minute but when i woke up one of my older coworkers was staring at me as if i just smoked crack in front of her. (she tried to get me to drink a milk shake later lol) the worst part of it all was that i had to work for another 4 hours after that doing manual labor. when i was about to pass out i told myself that i was gonna break my fast and start trying to get better. i changed my mind about that once i realized i wasn’t dead. i’m going to continue my fast because i’m not thin enough yet. i lost only 3lbs by not eating for 11 days and that is pathetic. i’m gonna start going back to the gym tomorrow so that maybe i could lose more weight. but yeah any tips on how to not pass out bc i never want to go through that again!!!!

[emptifylie]

day 10 of my fast lol. this worst part of it today was how much my head hurt. i don’t know if it’s all the weed i smoke or the starvation. probably both. i’ve been feeling numb, very numb. living in a state of derealization. anyways, that one ex that i’m always taking about on here texted me last night. he wants to see me soon. it’s been months since we last spoke and i feel like i’m at a crossroads but they both lead to the same place. he’s like always in my head. even though it’s bad, i don’t want to keep reliving the trauma, i want to make new memories that don’t hurt so badly. i know i can’t do that with him but i still feel like i can’t end this 3 year back and forth thing we have. and i’m gonna be skinny soon and i want him to see me thin. this situation is really triggering lol.