eyecandyandbraincandy-blog

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

Jumpscares and animal deaths are cheap emotional tricks that tell me you couldn't elicit real emotions with anything of substance. The true horror is being forced to watch a pandering parlor trick and calling it cinema.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

My entire life is about advocating for myself, fighting to be seen as a person, fighting to be seen as worthy of rights you take for granted. I always have to be someone's plot device, someone's character development, someone's teachable moment, someone's teacher, reminder, and lesson. I shouldn't have to do that in every moment of my life, especially around those who would call themselves my friends.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

The horrors persist and my awareness of them falters this day.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

I was thinking about this idea of connecting with your child self and Child Me just said what he thought. He didn't filter it, didn't sugar-coat it, damn the consequences. And I got punished for that a lot. So much so that I'm constantly trying to maintain the balance of being honest and authentic, but also knowing that the thing people initially love about me will become something they hate if I don't watch it.

And I guess going with that, the most painful thing with me is just how lonely and isolating it is. I give the space to be and process for others, I hold my tongue and let them speak their minds but rarely do I get that in return. I loathe hypocrisy and agonize over living my values as best I can, and I'm deeply alienated by all of politics and the people who claim to be my ally. If both are unapologetically contributing to systemic violence, how are they different? How are they good? How are they trustworthy? And that means I can't really let anyone too close because they prove time and time again they're unsafe and disinterested in being safe. My values matter to me, I believe in them wholesale. They're not really things I can pick and choose. Not seeing this reflected back to me is deeply disgusting. And the people I do have around me are mostly uncomfortable because their hypocrisy is screaming in my mind all the time. I hear how unsafe they are, how incurious.

I yearn, I starve for deep connections, to know and be known, to have someone to go through life with. And yet it doesn't seem like my philosophy for modular relationships and introspection is really shared. I don't fit into any particular box. I pathologically introspect, analyze, and get curious, constantly trying to figure out my life. I yearn for companionship and reliability. And yet to others, I'm the first one to fall by the wayside when life gets busy to them. Even other autistics who promised they'd never ghost me did. Even if I see more modular ways of being and introspective relationships, they don't happen for me.

So I feel fundamentally alone. Unseen, undesired, unrequited. And that, to me, is the core of autism in my life. Is being fundamentally alien to the people around you and alien to yourself.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

Public health has been dead a long, long time. They're just getting around to burying the corpse. And make no mistake, it wasn't just Trump or Biden who helped murder it. It was you. It was your need to "go back to normal" in the face of reality, your hubris of thinking your comforts matter more than people's right to access spaces and their fucking lives. It was you, who decided to play God and take the lives and abilities of others.

You did this. Own it, and be proud. You wanted to get back to normal, well this is it. They couldn't have done it without you.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

It's lonely as hell since I haven't really found my people yet. But I just can't deal with people. We're so different. I'm tormented by my hypocrisy and they seem to revel in it. I live my beliefs and they seem to perform them. I'm deeply curious and introspective while they seem to be fundamentally incurious. I just find that disgusting. I find it boring. Everyone has a sob story, and rather than do anything with it, they repeat the same patterns and contribute to the system they claim to hate.

And that's made finding people I really jive with hard. No one's safe to get close to. No one really seems to want to be safe. Everyone wants to yap, not to actually listen.

And it's been this way for as long as I can remember. I just didn't realize until discovering my autism just how fundamentally different I am, and how deeply that bothers me.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

Cool story, bro. I love hearing about you and your wifey going to cutesy little restaurants, prepping for a super bowl party, going grocery shopping. I wonder how many lives and abilities you will be taking from people for the sake of your comfort and convenience. Both in the medical field, too. The doctors of 1930's Germany would be proud.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

source

4 Reasons to (Re)Normalize Masking

1. Apathy is violence: resist white supremacy by refusing to contribute to mass infection, disability, and death.

2. Destroy the state's argument that masking is only used by "criminals" to hide their identities.

3. Protect mask wearers from targeting: cops can't single them out if everyone is wearing a mask.

4. Combat the exclusion and erasure of disabled people from public spaces by making them safer.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

It is a deep and eternal grief to know that no matter what, I didn't get the relationships I so desperately craved. But I think the deepest grief is that I still tried so hard and did everything I could. The loneliness has followed me into adulthood, and to this day. And still I keep going, trying, and hoping that one day it'll be my turn. Nothing else I can do.

It has, at least, been freeing to really understand that you can't do the right thing for the wrong person. The best thing you can do is help them move along faster.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

I can't be convinced otherwise that the character Lin Manuel Miranda played in House is exactly how LMM is IRL; annoying, constantly talking, and constantly rapping.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

Stop fucking thanking me for being flexible. My life and routine is massively being uprooted against my will. I'M NOT FUCKING FLEXIBLE. I'm going along because no one gives a fuck how much this is disregulating me and if I raise hell like I want to I'll be punished.

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

official elon musk hate post reblog to hate like to hate reply to hate

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

So are y'all ready to talk about your willingness to perpetuate eugenics that got us to this moment yet or nah?

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

[eyecandyandbraincandy-blog]

Of course I loved shows like House, The Mentalist, and Lie to Me because I yearned to be someone who was able to embrace his nature while still being loved, appreciated, and needed by those around me even when I didn't obey their rules.