findingpeaceinconnection-blog

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

I love making plans with my friends, telling them what we're doing.

What days are you free? - too open ended nothing will get done. What days are you free in June? - Better but will still struggle. Are you free on 5th, 13th, 27th, 30th or 31st? - fantastic, limited options will get a response.

Also accept that not everyone will make it. Accept it now. Shit happens, things get in the way, everyone has their own messy complicated life. Not everyone will make it.

Don't take it personally, dont freak, someone's relative will get sick, or work suddenly changes their shifts or other irritating bs. It happens. You'll see them next time.

Watching my friends try to be the one to organise stuff and they start flailing waiting for others to do stuff. Wrong no, be in charge and get shit done.

the secret to organising any kind of trip with your friends is to become the benevolent dictator. do NOT wait for everyone to provide a consensus on things before you book anything. do it and then ask for feedback after. do not ask people what they would like to do just tell them what is happening and let them all nod along like the sheep they are. this is the ONLY way to coordinate a group of adults in their 20s/30s

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

you cannot talk about the homophobic murder of jonathan joss without including in the conversation that he is indigenous.

american indian men are at the 2nd highest risk of death by murder compared to all other ethnic groups. in their lifetimes, 82% of native men report having experienced domestic violence. yet the overwhelming majority of perpetrators are non-natives (88% of native men and 92% of native women who reported violence said their attacker was non-native). what’s more, tribal governments are often stymied in their attempts to bring justice against non-natives, meaning that many of these cases go unresolved.

this was an intersectional attack. the fact that he is indigenous matters, even if the motivation was homophobic, because it made him even more vulnerable and disposable in the eyes of his killer.

as always, look into MMIWP to learn more, and speak up for us. miigwetch, take care

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

evangelicals being like "god made men to do This and be like This and women to do That and be like That that's just how it is" and it's just a picture of a white man and woman following traditional gender norms makes me so insane like you boring fascist fucks. god made 2 million species of beetles. god made whales, ducks, humans, and 1500 other species capable of same sex behavior. god made fish and amphibians that change sexes. god made more than 30 different intersex variations in human beings. god, in his infinite curiosity. wake up!!! fuck!!

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

the pink kite flies into vision every now again. there's a building out my window and i'm sure a child is playing in the garden in front of it. they're learning. the kite flies high and soars for a moment before falling back down out of view. something something Icarus. but it comes up again. sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. maybe an adult is explaining how it works to them in the longer stretches between flights.

i want to fly like the kite. i feel myself getting rooted to this place. the more roots i grow, willingly, the more i want to cut them all away. i have a home here. a man i love. a job i love. i'm building a future. but i want to run away. all i've ever wanted is to run away. I tried to choose a uni far far from home in the end i was only 2 hours away. easy enough for a day trip.

the kite is higher than ever and they've managed to keep it there for maybe a minute- no there it falls, it'll come back.

i'm so scared of these roots, that i'll get stuck here as others leave. i don't want them to go. i love my friends but their futures are so often far away as well. i need to get away. i need to escape.

the kite is fluttering this time, the wind is fighting back. but it keeps flying, i think its a disney princess kite. i cant quite tell from this distance. but its the right shade of pink and i think i see a blue dress and yellow one.

i haven't needed to run away this badly since before i left for uni, when i really didn't know much of anything outside my little town. i have to run away because if i don't i'll build a life so strong here ill never leave it.

the kite has been down for a little while now, maybe they've left- no there it is.

i'm so scared of having a life i love too much here. i wanted to be an air hostess. i really did. i was going to travel the world. then i fell in love, with this town, with a man, with a life i loved waking up to every day. i couldn't leave it to explore the world.

the kite has flown into a tree.

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

to be fair gluebrick got them when it mattered. nat 20 to hit invisible eric with a sunbeam

because I’m sure everyone is dying to know: here are some rolling stats from season one of hohr. (I didn’t include Dave because he doesn’t always say his rolls)

Summary:

Ghoul was very lucky with 12 nat 20s for only 5 nat 1s

Eric was perfectly average with 8 and 8

Henley did things in extremes with the most 1s and 20s but more 1s than 20s. 24 and 14 respectively

Gluebrick rolled awefully, bless him. The fewest nat 20s at 5 but still 18 nat 1s.

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

Things i'm currently reminding myself to look forward to:

the rest of the new season of Doctor Who reading songbirds and snakes in the summer dnd with my friends finishing reading the script with my mates my boyfriend coming home doctor who exhibition on my birthday bleaching a skirt at the weekend

the secret to life is always having something to look forward to

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

I was so scared to call him. i wasnt entirely sure why. I missed him. I was worried about him. I needed to hear his side.

I thought about it a lot. What to say, would he be cold, or sad, or drunk? would he be jokey or brave faced? i realised i was more scared he was taking it well than badly

i realised i was scared i was going to hate him

its not either of their faults that it doesnt work anymore

i called him, i did it quickly before i changed my mind.

we spoke we laughed we caught up, i told him about uni, he told me about work. i love talking to him, we just get on and he's funny. i eventually mentioned the divorce, he talked about it. in an unemotional way. thats what i shouldve expected. "its a shame, but thats how it is" yeah it is. i looked up places in my hometown on rightmove. he could get a pretty nice place. he wants to get it sorted asap, no sense dragging it out.

he said that he wished it couldve worked. me too. he said but mum wasnt willing to change the things that needed change. or she thought she couldnt.

mum has been trying for so long. how could he not see it? i was enraged. he ended the call shortly after so i was able to scream. i hope he sorts himself out in his new place

i really dont want to hate him.

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

My sales worksona loved capitalism and fast fashion and overconsumption. She loved joking with customers about weight loss and the benefits of spanx and how husbands are so silly they dont know anything about housework isnt that funny? she would tell them how flattering the dresses are and be just a girl.

yeah i didnt last long in sales

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

i dont know how to write it. she didnt know how to say it. basically the whole 3 days she would onle say splitting up seperating she couldnt say divorce.

right now im completely dry, later i'll sob like a baby with little persuasion. i cant control it. i havent spoken to my dad yet. i dont know what to say to him.

i havent spoken to my siblings yet either, theyre the ones im most scared for. im far away safe in my new life, they are the ones who may lose their home.

im so lost and confused and i have no idea what to do.

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

Mabel. Wake up Mabel! Mabel it's Raven, I'd like to ask you want for dinner.

She barely moves. she breathes slowly. She takes her time. That's ok i like the slow pace in the rooms, compared to my speed in the corridor.

Would you like melon or carrot soup?

she sighs, and thinks. it takes her a while. she has to remember and then consider the flavour and the texture of each food as she eats it.

Melon.

Would you like roast chicken or roast lamb?

hm she says. i watch her. Her hair is so thin, she's practically bald, her skin pale and veiny. She looks beautiful. the sun pours in through the window on this fine spring day and i just think how lucky she is to have lived this long. i hope i do too.

Chicken.

Would you like bread and butter pudding with custard?

an immediate frown. some dislikes are strong enough to be remembered.

how about a mousse? or ice cream?

hmmm. a happy hmm. she likes ice cream. something we have in common. we both have families who love us and want us looked after. we both know all the carers here well. what else do we share?

alright lunch will be at 12, rest well

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

Guys it's all good, im just delulu. turn off the alarms

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

Your arms

You held me in your arms all night. The whole night. I kept waking up, and i just looked at you. so peaceful. when i stretched out you pulled me in tighter. we switch to my your arm round me, to my head on your chest, to you all around me, protecting me from the world. i loved laying there feeling your warmth, listening to your breathing (snoring). Im amazed at how quick you fall asleep, but it gives me this silence in which i can just appreciate you.

Except the whole time im screaming. Because youre not mine, and could never be. What are we doing here? what is this? we lay here, entwined, and yet i actually have no idea if you care for me as more than a friend. I dont see why you would, i know everything about you and what your type is and its not me. and yet here we are.

I want you to ask what this is. because if you ask, then i can tell you of all the love in my heart and how long it has been burning. but if you dont ask its because you dont want to know. if you dont want to know i will never tell you. because i love you and i dont want to make this weird since you dont feel the same.

You say this is nice. It could be nice like this every night. And yet.

In the morning i say we should do this again sometime, you say yeah she should. I know what i mean by that. what do you mean?

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

the best way to look after myself is to look after someone else. i am a separate person to myself and she deserves looking after. I say its ok babygirl, its been a long day, so we're gonna brush our teeth and get into the cosy bed. its ok to have a little cry, youre doing so well.

had to start talking to myself like i'm 5 because like yeah, I get it you wanna kill yourself because they're out of your favorite bagel and it feels like the end of the world and you wanna crawl back in bed, but wouldn't it be so fun if we washed the dishes finally. we can get bagels tomorrow

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

are there any film adaptations of books that you like more than the book?

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

I'm reading your first draft, experiencing your unpolished soul line by line. In it i see your loves, your flaws, your idiosyncrasies. i love it. i see your icon pop up at the top and my heart does a backflip. i find where you are on the document and i place my cursor in the same place. i make us hold hands across the internet. thanks for sharing your story with me.

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

Actors are the worst part of theatre

I say this as a performer. I've done so much. I love writing, directing, acting, singing, dancing, drag, costuming, makeup, hair, set design, prop making. I don't have experience in stage management, light or sound tech, but i respect them deeply.

Then there's actors. I mean actors who have never done anything else. Actors who think we are all there to serve them. Not there for the show, there for them specifically. I probably would've gone into doing costume professionally, if it werent for the fact i was treated like dirt. Not by all of them. But just the worst ones. The rest of them just kinda forgot i existed. i wasnt important.

I love directing, i'm good at leadership, i love team building and having fun as a group and making scenes together and building one everyones ideas and trying things out. i like scheduling. An availability spreadsheet is a problem to be solved. finding the solution where the most people are available for the most necessary rehearsals. but then they complain. I cant do this rehearsal. Thats fine. Thats why we have catch ups. Theres too many, theres not enough. Why are we wasting time with games, i didnt have fun cause we didnt play games. No pleasing everyone, i always knew that, then i was the bad guy because i didnt please everyone.

I like writing, i dont have to deal with the actors. In fact i delight in coming up with scenes that feel impossible to stage. "The moon turns into a man" do that actor. Suffer.

When i'm Queen of the universe, all actors will be required to do at least one full scale show in crew. All the actors who are patient during tech and nice to the crew, are involved in some aspect of crew themselves.

There's not a deeper meaning here i'm just complaining. anyway i love theatre and the people i work with and its fine