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Wow I fell in love with the way you looked at me

Yeah that one time when I was crying I was so happy. When I looked like a disaster and maybe a psych case. I looked up and through the blurred haze of tears that shot rainbows through my line of sight, you. You, looking at me crying, crying as you saw it. I've never been able to see worse but I've never had so much clarity. It rung in my soul, pure instinct: he loves me. In everything, he loves me. Not despite of it nor overlooking it, he loves me in everything. Good and bad. I feel him in every crack in my heart and my soul and suddenly they have purpose, to increase my surface area so I can feel even more of you when you cover every inch of me in your love. And all I want to do is love you. I love you I do I just want to show you, every minute of every day. I love you. It kills me when you say no one will love you. I want to fill the cracks you've shown me the way you've filled mine and given them purpose. I want to spend my life finding ways to describe my love for you because it is beyond words. I fell in love with the way you looked at me, and I haven't been able to look away.

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

FUCK cat-callers.

So for my job I have to bring people to my campus to give talks once a month. I’m bringing in a speaker on sexual assault in September and was telling my brother that he had to come. Part of my description to him was that the purpose was to make consent culture cooler than rape culture. My brother’s response: “no one thinks rape culture is cool, consent culture is already the norm”.

Well that’s part of the problem: among guys, they don’t have to think about rape culture. But if it wasn’t a problem then I would be able to walk to my own fucking car right now.

I need to be at a party about 30 minutes away in about 10 minutes. Clearly that’s not happening. Why not? Well I was getting ready and was looking for my sweater I wanted to wear and remembered I’d worn it last night so perhaps it was in the car. I’m between houses so I’m staying in a hotel. I’m going down the stairs to the parking lot, sans phone, when an older guy is walking up the stairs. I said “excuse me” and moved over so he could walk by, and he said “excuse ME” and moved over and I walked by, and as I did he goes “DAMN girl”. The guy is at least 30 years older than me. I go to my car and he’s followed me down the stairs and out to my car. I look in the back seat, realize my sweater’s not there (texted my friend after and turns out I left it at his house yesterday), and I’m not going to open the door or unlock the car with this guy coming at me.

He tries backing me into my car, and I say excuse me and tell him “I have a boyfriend” (lie) and he backs off. I watch him go inside and I look in the trunk for something. I close the trunk and see he’s waiting on the third floor in the window watching me--my floor.

I go around the front to the lobby, and he follows me down into the parking lot. I ask the lady at the front desk to call my room (I didn’t bring my phone out) and ask my dad to come meet me. My dad comes and I just say “there’s a weirdo out there I didn’t want to walk up alone”. We walk up and I look out the window as we get to the third floor and the guy’s in the parking lot.

I’m kind of reckless at times. I walk places alone, I park in the back of places, etc. I generally feel safe but right now I feel like I can’t go to my own car, even though he’s not out there anymore. I’ve been in weird situations before but there’s something about this that just sucks. And so FUCK cat callers and FUCK people who harass strangers and FUCK this guy for making me late to see my friends.

So girls: please stay safe. Download the KeepSafe App and use it when you walk around. Try using Kitestring. Walk with a friend. Carry pepper spray. Be careful. And hopefully by the time I have a 20 year old daughter, there won’t be any reason to worry about her going to find her sweater.

And guys: be aware of what happens to the girls in your life. It’s one thing to compliment a stranger it’s another to be unwarrantedly sexual with her. Look out for the people you’re with--walk them out, stand up for them.

Let’s change the world, because this one? The one where I can’t walk to my car? Yeah THAT isn’t the world I want to live in.

Stay safe.

FDAH xoxo

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

Best Kiss EVER...and it’s a secret?

So I kissed someone on Sunday night and I can’t really tell anyone...my best friends both said I shouldn’t do it. And my best guy friend that usually gives me advice is currently having like a hippie hiatus and not talking to anyone so I have to tell someone about it.

Back story: last summer at a high school reunion bonfire I got PRETTY trashed. It was really an accident, I’m not really sure what I drank or where it came from but really as a lightweight I should learn to chill, like I was that bitch that lost her shoes--I hate that girl, I became her. But that was a major side bar. AAAANYways. I was drunk and I said to my friend “I’m gonna go kiss Paul*.” *name change. My friends were all like “yeah, sure you are, whatever, go for it” thinking I’d never do it. So I walked up to him, asked if he wanted to walk, found out he was sober, we talked for a few minutes, and I said “Ok I’m going to kiss you now”. And so we did. And let me tell you--it was a kiss so good it cut through the alcohol and is forever ingrained in my memory. He knew what he was DOING.

Well I hadn’t seen him since the kiss...and we’d texted a few times, tried to make plans for breaks, but I’m on semesters and he’s on quarters so it never really happened. Plus, he’s pretty flakey. So this last Friday, I had a really REALLY shitty night. So I texted him, thinking maybe by some miracle he’d be home and maybe we’d hang out and hook up over the long weekend. Well he was home, and he wanted to hang out, but we kept talking and it became very evident that I care about this kid as my friend too much to really hook up with him.

But Sunday did come along, and that night we had plans. Just like him, I thought he was bailing when he didn’t show after an hour and stranded me without answering his phone (I was carless). But he called, and I made the somewhat foolish decision to forgive him and go meet him.

When I got to his house we sat on his bed and talked, he told me about his life, we talked about how funny it is that we’d gotten closer AFTER we stopped seeing each other everyday, he poked me in the stomach, played with my hand, played Death Cab (the kid was killing the game, really). Then it happened.

He leaned in, he kissed me softly. We made out in a way that I haven’t kissed somebody since high school. Like we couldn’t get close enough, like we were trying to occupy one space with this kiss. AND HE DIDN’T PULL ANY FUNNY BUSINESS (which is so nice oh my GOD). He like casually brushed my boobs over my shirt and bra, but he never tried anything. He pulled me onto his lap, ran his thumb over my cheek like they do in the movies, and kissed me. Hand on my hair, he nuzzled my neck, he had his hands on my back and my waist...it was a Hollywood kiss and he deserved an Oscar. Noah Gunderson’s Liberator was playing, the lyrics “we were naked we were making out”, it was FUCKING UNREAL THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN TO ME (ok sorry I kind of freaked out there).

When my brother came to get me he pulled me back onto the bed and sat behind me and turned my head and kissed me. When I stood up he put his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. When I walked to the front door he stopped me and kissed me again, hands on my waist. When I got to the gate he said “excuse me ma’am I’m going to have to stop you right there” and kissed me again. And with a “see you soon”, that was that.

And it was even better than the fucking bonfire kiss. Which totally sucks because I am starting to really like this kid. And I have no idea what his intentions are. He looked at me and said “you changed, you’re different, and I can’t put my finger on it but it’s not a bad thing at all don’t think that for a minute”. And I guess I’m hoping he likes who I am now, a year since he’s seen me. Because honestly I want to be with him. And I’m freaking out because I fuck up EVERYTHING. So I’m preemptively sad thinking it’s not going to work, trying to make a plan for how to make it work.

I love really hard. I love harder than anyone I know, and I don’t mean for that to sound cocky or competitive. It’s just a fact that there is no one on this planet that loves me as much or more than I love them. And I’ve spent the majority of my life fucking things up and alone, so I know that love isn’t enough in this or any situation. I have no clue what else I can bring to the table to make this work, but God, do I want to figure it out.

I can’t say these things out loud because my friends will just tear it all down. But I think I know what I want. And now that I’ve put it into words, I hope the universe doesn’t think it’s as stupid as it’s starting to sound to me.

I’m going to end with my favorite quote from Bones:

Booth: Here we are, all of us. Basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other. All searching for the slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking "Oh, there's nobody out there for me." But all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in awhile, every once in awhile, two people meet and there's that spark. And yes, Bones, he's handsome, and she's beautiful, and maybe that's all they see at first. But making love... making love... that's when two people become one. Bones: It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. Booth: Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close.

Here’s to doing it right.

FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

If they don’t reply to your texts — they’re not interested in you. If they don’t call you — they’re not interested in you. If they forget your birthday — they’re not interested in you. If they’re hung up on their ex — they’re not interested in you. If they’re obsessed with being single — they’re not interested in you. If they don’t want to meet your friends — they’re not interested in you. If they don’t want you to meet their friends — they’re not interested in you. If they don’t ask questions about your life — they’re not interested in you. If they don’t tell you things about their life — they’re not interested in you. If they only speak to you when they want to have sex with you — they’re not interested in you. If they only have sex with you when they’re drunk — they’re not interested in you. If they say “should we just keep this between us?’ after you have sex with them — they’re not interested in you. If they can always find a psychobabble rationale about who “I am” or “you are” or “we are” as reason why you can’t be together — they’re not interested in you. If they have said for more than six months that they would like to be with you “BUT” — they’re not interested in you. And if you still need convincing — think of it this way. Think of what the real day-to-day of life is taken up by. Life is birthday parties at terrible pubs. Life is losing your credit card and the annual Melbourne Cup sweepstake in the office. Life is hen’s nights, bucks’ nights, sitting on the phone for three hours to get U2 tickets and not getting them, the apartment upstairs flooding your house, interval training, calorie counting, cancer scares, illegal mini cabs, Secret Santa, rail replacement buses and Dido albums. Dogs die, cars crash, bin liners break, contracts end, curtain rails collapse, trains get delayed, football teams lose. Divorce happens and so do earthquakes and so does An Audience With Michael Bublé. Landlords put rent up, phones get stolen and the supermarket often completely runs out of hummus. Now, taking all of the above into account — you look me dead in the eye and tell me the truth. Do you really have enough spare energy to pursue someone who isn’t interested in you? Do you really want to waste any more time on top of all of that? No. Me neither. So give it up, my friend. It’s a loser’s game. Delete their number. Don’t go on any more dates with them. Stop lurking their Facebook page. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Dolly Alderton  (via chocolatehighhh)

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

Knock knock...who’s there? Oh an unsolicited dick snap.

The first guy who ever took my clothes off told me he liked my panties. Which at the time, was kind of awkward but still kind of cute (as cute as two awkward teenagers in the cab of a truck can be--hint: not that cute). I would pick up on cues of what he liked, but he always complimented me, and never once did he tell me what to wear. I got pretty used to this.

Fast forward to the first guy I was planning on sleeping with. I had very low expectations for how the sex would be. But still I wanted it to be memorable. He never was one for complimenting things like lingerie, it seemed frivolous and illogical to him, so I had no verbal cues to go on for dressing for the special occasion. This is not to say he didn’t ever compliment me or enjoy it, but it wasn’t the same as the boy I mentioned previously.

Now I’m a girl. And as a girl I have a special attention to detail, like the color of what bra I was going to wear that night. While making plans for how we were going to manage to get out to do the deed and not get caught (the problems of car sex), I asked him what his opinion was. And, in true teenage boy fashion, he said “I don’t know, I don’t really care”. Helpful, right? Looking back, I know that he didn’t love me in the deep compassionate way I pretended he did, so I assumed having no opinion was because he didn’t love me, and that loving me was why people had opinions.

And him not having an opinion always bothered me. Until yesterday. I asked a friend to hang out, and in response he started getting uber sexual, asking if he could send a dick pic (I said no. Did he listen? Of course not.). I’m super bored and this kid is not threatening in any way so I told him he needed to lay off the sexual stuff if I was going to hang out with him. He told me that in order to hang out he needed me to wear something “really fucking sexy”, and requested that I send him pictures of it before we do anything.

At this point, I was over hanging out. It wasn’t going to happen. But I also realized that this guy didn’t love me even in a slight way like my first time, and he DID have an opinion. All of a sudden I was really grateful for the lack of opinions, and it dawned on me that the aloofness, the little compliments and not pushing, was really a lot more respectful than it was ignorant. 

This is definitely a hard thing for me to grasp because words of affirmation are one of my love languages. But it is this same love language that causes me to have a very addictive personality. A year ago I may have agreed to still see this guy, let him grope me and everything just to hopefully hear something flattering.

From here on out, I need to remember that sometimes silence says as many kind things as words can, and that not everyone has the same way of communicating feelings. I’m hoping to be more perceptive from this day forward. I hope you can be, too.

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

Even If No One Sees...I’m Back

I need to do this blog because I’m bored and alone in a tiny little city and I have a lot of thoughts I want people to see. So get ready...even if there’s no one to see it I want to say it.

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

What I learned in 2014

1. Nothing is guaranteed, don't take it for granted. 2. Everyone will disappoint you some time, if you keep them on too high a pedestal you'll be devastated when they do. 3. Rules are stupid. Double text. Tell bad jokes. Be yourself. 4. Sex won't keep people around, and "I love you" isn't a magic spell. 5. Regret is a waste of time. It's a little late but I learned a lot this year. FDAH

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July 24, 2014--breakup advice

My friend's boyfriend just broke up with her. And she is the queen of logic and rationality, but that is hard to maintain in a breakup especially an emotional one. So I gave her the advice she'd have given me, and I hope it helps someone out there. I posted this on my personal blog but it seemed fitting here. Of course😘 i got some kick ass breakup advice from my gilmore girls obsession and im going to share it with you: You need to wallow. You need to eat ice cream and cry and watch a shitty movie and wear sweats all day. But thats just all day, not all week or all month or all year. Wallow today but get up tomorrow after a good night's sleep and go for a run, because your health and rockin bod are not hinging upon his approval. Take a shower and shave your legs, just cuz, and remind yourself that he is not the only reason to do so. Put on a cute outfit and remember it was cute before he said it was. Do your hair and makeup because you might meet the next prince charming who is going to eclipse his very memory. But waterproof mascara is ok, because its ok to cry. All of your emotions are valid and you should let them happen. But feel them moving forward, not sitting in the past. Rant to your friends. Have girls nights. Take mental health days. But move forward, because none of your existence or beauty is dependent upon him. Xoxo FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

June 4, 2014--What I Wish I'd Been Told Before Having Sex the First Time

Before I had sex the first time, I had been getting a lot of advice and things from the people I confided in and trusted. I found that none of them were saying the exact right thing. So after I did it, I made a list of things I wish I’d been told, and I hope they help you. They are good for your first time or your hundredth, so listen up ladies. *NOTE*: this is strictly from my experience as a heterosexual female, I can only speak from what I know.

Breathe. Deeply. No matter what, it WILL be ok. Having sex doesn’t change who you are. It’s going to hurt a bit so take it slow. Depending on your size and his, if you can get 2-3 fingers in without excruciating pain, it’ll work despite what you think. Talking about your feelings surrounding the encounter will make you less nervous; you’re about to mish mash your private parts together so don’t get embarrassed about sharing your feelings, it’s essential. Consent is a 2 way street, make sure he’s on board too. Consent is continuous—you can change your mind at any point. You do not have to do it. Ever. Despite the phrase “losing your virginity” you aren’t losing anything and your first time does not make you any less whole. You are in control, say exactly what you need to be comfortable. Virgin or not you are loved unconditionally. You don’t have to love the person, but like them enough to be comfortable having a life long connection to them. Take care of yourself—before, during, and after. Don’t do it spur of the moment, it’s a big deal: be sure you’re as ready as you can be. On that note: you can’t be 100% sure because sex the first time is scary and intimidating and kinda gross and a big deal. But listen to yourself (your heart, your head, your gut, yourself not anyone else)—if you’re not ready you’ll know, if it’s the wrong person you’ll know. This is your decision and not anyone else’s. No matter what you do, no one can judge you for doing what you think is right.

I hope this helps someone out there! Xoxo FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

May 28, 2014-- Dear Diary

Have you ever had a decision to make? I'm talking a life altering decision. Sometimes it's clear cut sometimes it's not. But when you have to make and remake that decision everyday of your life, it's soul crushing unless you are 100% unwaveringly sure of your decision. And if you're that sure...is it really a decision? I'm scared to write it in my journal. What if it sounds stupid? What if saying it out loud vilifies the whole issue? And why is it that I can't just make a choice? My non choice makes me unhappy. If I choose the "left" fork in the road, I can always change my mind and go back to the "right" fork. But if I go "right", I can never go back. And I WANT to go that way, but what if I wind up halfway down that road only to realize too late that I made the wrong choice. That's the risk I run if I ever choose the "right" fork--whether now or after trying "left". Maybe that's okay. Atleast I'll KNOW then right? But I don't know. I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll want immediately after I take a step in either direction. I'm so nearsighted and it's making me worry about what's up ahead... Maybe there's no right answer. Maybe there are no decisions that lead to ultimate acceptance and happiness. But maybe there are. I wish I knew. I wish I understood. But I guess the one thing I constantly believe in, is that we'll turn out ok in the end. You, yes you, you and me will be ok. Promise. All my love and hope, FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

April 3, 2014--Handsy

Someone’s hands are not inherently dangerous. They are only dangerous if someone makes them such. You have no right to preemptively attack someone because you’re worried they might make their hands into fists. So why doesn’t the same go for the rest of peoples’ bodies? Hips and boobs aren’t inherently sexual, they’re for child rearing. They’re sexual if the woman makes them sexual. So just because you see someone with a low cut shirt doesn’t mean they’re “asking for it”, and it doesn’t give you the right to preemptively sexualize them. Rape is never ok…

FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

March 27, 2014--Finish Eachother's Sandwiches

If there's something I love, it's a good Disney movie. Let's be honest, I have thought more than once how Tangled was the best thing to ever happen to me, and whenever I need an emotional outlet (laugh, cry, swoon) I watch it. It's bookmarked on my computer. I'm 19 and totally that girl.

But whenever I say I want to live like a Disney movie there is always some mega hater out there saying how I'm a disgrace to women everywhere because I want to find prince charming....According to these people, my love of Disney movies is what perpetuates the "make me a sandwich"-esque jokes.

I understand where these people are coming from, but I believe that these kinds of feminists have lost the entire point of feminism. Feminism is about equal opportunities for men and women, not this whole "denounce men" thing that it has turned into today. I wholeheartedly believe that men and women should have equal opportunity for happiness and success, but I don't believe that one gender should denounce the other.

So I think it's utterly ridiculous for people to say that little girls shouldn't read fairytales. Reading stories and watching movies won't ruin a girl. In fact I think it's a very anti-feminist thing to think that they will--because if you really want equal opportunity for women, then shouldn't I be allowed to watch whatever I want and do whatever I want? Who's to say that I am a bad person because I don't want to settle in my love life? Why can't I be a princess and get treated like one?

I'm not saying I'm waiting around in a tower for some man to come find me. Not at all! But I think it's counterproductive to the view of feminism to say that women who want a fairytale ending are what's keeping this society from moving forward. I believe in equal opportunity, and I believe women shouldn't be undersold. So I'm not going to undersell myself in my love life and neither should you. Don't settle. Don't sell out. Because there's a prince charming for everyone, haters be damned.

xoxo

FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

March 22, 2014--Gonna give all my secrets away

So I've had a long strange few days, and in it I've been caught keeping all sorts of secrets. And I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned from this mess. So I have a challenge for all of YOU! We all have things that we keep to ourselves because we think people won't understand. But as it turns out, most likely there are many people who share those secrets. Since there's a lot of anonymity here on tumblr, I'm starting a #secretchallenge. Reblog this with one sentence of something you would generally keep to yourself. Find out you're not alone. DO IT. My secret is: I have struggled with bulimia! FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

March 17, 2014: Luck of the Ir--wait I'm French

Hello lovely people! So I've kind of sucked at this daily blog post thing. BUT I'm officially challenging myself. I'm going to write on it everyday for a year. This challenge idea came from my hallmate, Andrea, who is doing a daily vlog for a whole year. (it's called Awkward A Vlogs, she's hilarious, youtube her!!!) I'm going to partake in the yearlong challenge and write everyday for a year because this blog is what I love, even if only a few people read it:)

Today I had a very interesting conversation. I was walking down the street to my dorm after class and it was sunny and I was in a great mood enjoying the warm breeze of springtime. The sidewalk is pretty  narrow and I suddenly notice that my ex boyfriend, who treats me like shit still, is coming at me in a group of people walking the other direction. Now something about me that you need to know is that I always say hello or smile because I try to be the bigger person, even when he sucks. But seeing him coming in this large group, I just walked in the street (we have no traffic on this particular block) and cut across (oops J-walker alert) to my building.

I walked up to my building the same time my friend did. Well she asked me why I crossed the street seeing my ex coming, and told me how "I shouldn't have to cross the street! He should treat me better!"

Well duh. Everyone should treat everyone better. I shouldn't have to cross the street. But I didn't do it for his sake, I did it for mine.

I was in a great mood. I wanted to enjoy my personal moment and I knew that I couldn't be the bigger person I always challenge myself to be if I saw him in that moment. So instead of being rude and ignoring him I crossed the street. Because that allowed me to have my moment and still be the person I want to be. Breakups nullify the couple, so I get to do what I want all about ME.

As my mom says to me all the time, your young age is the time you get to be selfish about your relationships. Don't ruin your relationships of any sort, but do things that make you happy. You shouldn't have to make major sacrifices yet because you're young and you're still figuring out what you want and how to compromise without losing yourself. I like this advice, and I hope you take it.

Please keep up with me all year:)

XOXO

FDAH

[fromdepthsandheights-blog]

February 14, 2014--Part 2

Once upon a time there was a boy named Roger. This boy was my best friend. This boy fell in love with me, and I did not love him back. This boy became incredibly lonely.

He became incredibly depressed.

He decided to jump off of the bridge by my house.

....But he still loved me. So he told me first. And I stopped him by calling his mom, his best friend, his counselor at school, literally everyone that I thought would stop him. And I did it in the nick of time, because he lived that day.

The next day we talked, because we were still best friends. He told me all the ways he wanted to die, and I just listened. I knew his parents knew, so I just listened like we were talking about school. I will never forgive myself for that.

The next month he decided that my presence in his life was toxic, and if I wasn't going to love him he needed me to leave. So I left, with many tears. I shouldn't have cried, that made it about myself. I will never forgive myself for that.

Next year he decided we could be friends again...that didn't last. He attempted suicide and I once again left his life so he could recover.

On Valentine's day last year he gave me a rose and told me he'd always love me. I didn't know what to make of it, so I took home the rose and went about staying out of his life. I don't know how I feel about that today.

363 days passed.

We did not talk.

I checked in on him often through his mom, his friends. I spent every one of those 363 days trying to make up for the fact that I was the reason he wanted to die.

Then on the 364th day, he texted me. Said he wanted to talk. And one year later, on Valentine's day, we did.

He had been through some life changing things. He's happier than he has been in 15 years. He said that even though he didn't know it at the time, he now knows I fought for his life harder than he did. And that I saved his life. He finally forgave himself, and was able to save himself. He's alive. And he wants to stay that way.

If you've ever felt alone, if you've ever wanted to hurt yourself, kill yourself, or just give up, just know that there is someone out there silently fighting for you. They will never let you know because it isn't about them, it's about you, but they love you. And they are fighting for you to have the chance to fight for yourself. So keep going, because you are never alone. Maybe those people aren't perfect, and maybe they don't understand, but they are still people and they are still fighting for you. I'm sorry for all of the people who have hurt you who don't know how to say sorry. The people that don't know what to do for you, but want to help, they're sorry. Know they are. You're not alone. Ever.

Share this story and give people hope.

FDAH