ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Me literally like five minutes ago, walking into my mom's room balancing a knife sideways on my finger: "Balanced, as all things should be."

Mom: *sighs* "You know we don't have health insurance, stop playing with knives."

Me: "I will if you told me who said that qoute?"

Mom: "I don't know, Jesus?"

Me: "No it was fucking Thanos??"

I laughed so hard that I dropped the knife on my foot, and am not putting pressure on the cut with a paper towel...

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

No one:

My indecisive ass:

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Wade: "Do you think the Sour Patch Kids big kid version, where they're 2x bigger, should be called Sour Patch Teens?

Peter: "Wade... IT IS FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING!"

Wade: "Is that a no..?"

Peter: "The fact that I haven't smothered you to death with one of our pillows, should be your answer."

Wade: "So yes?"

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Wade: "Aw we should shower together!"

Peter: "Why you wanna make me a squeaky clean spider or sm?"

Wade: *looking him up and down* "No you're already a spider, and I already know how to make you squeak.

Wade: "Clean though..?"

----

Wade: *Webbed to the ceiling* "Can I come down now?"

Peter: "Blood rushing to your head?"

Wade: "No."

Peter: "Then you better get comfortable."

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Peter: *walks into room*

Peter: Wade im gonna need you to be honest with me about something, no lying to make me feel better okay?

Wade: Okay

Peter: Did you kill tho-

Wade: Yes that outfit makes you look fat

Peter: What no? I was gonna ask- wait really?

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Peter: Just so you know, we're changing what we call sexy time to "the witch" so whenever you say some dumb shit while we're going at it, I can just shout "Ding dong the witch is dead"

Wade: . . .

(This took place outside the theaters after watching Wicked for the fifth time)

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Team Red

(Peter is ginger in a few old comics)

Wade: Shut up you red velvet ass!

Peter: At least I have hair!

Matt:

Matt: Wait you're ginger!???

Peter: Yeah, that's why he's always saying I don't have a soul?

Matt:

Matt: I thought it was cause you're gay..?

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Team Red

Matt: *kissing them* (it's getting spicy)

Matt: Wanna put on some music?

Peter: You bet

Wade: Hey Alexa play Sweet Home Alabama

Matt: *throws hands in air* I call you my brothers in Christ one time!

Peter: WE'RE NOT OVER IT!!!

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

"At the end of the day were all orphans if we try hard enough."

- 6 year old me

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Peter (introducing Wade): This is my male friend

Wade: BOYFRIEND!

Wade: I FUCK HIM AND ITS NOT PLATONIC!

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

The Captain America trilogy:

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

"If that world exists, it's far away from here. It's one I'll have to miss, for it's far beyond my years."

BRO REALLY PULLED A TIRESIAS AND THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T NOTICE!???

[ifanyoneasksyoudontknowme]

Calypso after Odysseus told her "Penelope" was his wife: