im-panicking-andverytired - Tumblr blog

[im-panicking-andverytired]

Casually spills laxative all over my boyfriends hoodie after I get home from a weekend with him and now it looks like there’s cum all over the hoodie but in reality it’s just me doing my ed things and relapsing again

Casually though, casual

Also it’s 2am and I have class in the morning :)

Yeehaw

[im-panicking-andverytired]

People need to stop fucking making comments about the “dreaded freshman 15”

I have been at college for only one semester and i was so terrified about gaining weight that I lost 10 pounds and I’m still scared to eat, which makes learning properly even harder

And when I visited home for Christmas everyone I saw commented on how “skinny” I am now and everyone kept constantly trying to shove food down my throat

Why are people always so fucking focused on other people’s weight, I’m so tired I just want to be happy

[im-panicking-andverytired]

Okay this is actually so fucking stupid

I’m getting semi decent grades in college, I’m out of my toxic household, I get to see the love of my life every weekend, I workout almost daily

Why can I still not be happy?

I just want to be fucking happy for once in my god damn life is that too much to fucking ask?

Like seriously where did I go wrong?

Where?

[im-panicking-andverytired]

I’ve never been a saint, have I?

[im-panicking-andverytired]

✨doodle hyperfixation✨

[im-panicking-andverytired]

Depression mixed with anxiety is a fucking bitch

[im-panicking-andverytired]

My anxiety is what gets me out of bed, my overthinking constantly keeps me company, and my depression always reminds me that I’m a failure.

I’m all set.

[im-panicking-andverytired]

They tell me to be strong but what’s the use of being strong when whenever I try to get better I feel like I’m being selfish so I relapse even worse than before

It’s all just a game that I’m being forced to play and I can never fucking win

There’s really no point in being strong is there?

[im-panicking-andverytired]

I can’t even self harm right, I’m never able to cut deep enough or often enough

I can’t do anything right

[im-panicking-andverytired]

F. Scott Fitzgerald // Charles Bukowski

[im-panicking-andverytired]

I cry over the dumbest things like someone getting my order wrong, my dad having to use my truck for the day, and a dog showing me attention,

but when it comes to the important things like finding out my older brother who is my role model is a drug addict, finding out I have clinical depression so I’ll never be able to be normal, or my parents emotionally abusing me on a daily basis…

I’m numb

[im-panicking-andverytired]

You have a past that still haunts you and that’s scarred you for a very long time but you pretend everything is okay just to keep me from worrying…

You are constantly there for me even though you are always busy and you make sure to make time for me to make me feel special and loved…

You wear your mask whenever we FaceTime to hide your face and say you’re just too lazy to take it off…

You always beat yourself up because you claim you’re not trying hard enough when I can see you struggling because you always give your all for everyone around you…

You have your imperfections that tear me apart because I desperately want to be there for you, but it’s kind of hard to be there when I’m 6000 miles away…

I will always love you, that’s the one thing I’m sure about, even when I can’t remember anything else and I’m in my darkest place, I’ll still remember how much I’m in love with you…

You and all your perfect imperfections🖤

[im-panicking-andverytired]

The bruises I’ve created on my hip bones are turning black, I don’t know what that means but I’m guessing it’s not good which is my goal so good for me I guess. I kind of feel proud of how hard I hit myself this time

[im-panicking-andverytired]

I was doing okay, I really was. I even went on a run believe it or not. But then I found a sharp piece of glass on the ground and thought just one more cut, just one more

[im-panicking-andverytired]

I used to lie on the depression quizzes just to make it seem worse as a joke but now it’s not fake anymore…

[im-panicking-andverytired]

So I'll stick around

Don't wanna hold my breath

Find it quite hard when no one cares

But I'll stick around

Don't wanna wait for it

Come back inside then drag me out

Dodging all the scrutinies

I'm fine, but really begging please

For someone get me out, then let me in

So drag me down with all my flaws

And burn my face for a good cause

I've had enough, had enough

[im-panicking-andverytired]

So this is a drawing a did in the book my unofficial therapist gave me to write down all my problems in, I didn’t feel like writing anything so I drew what I’m feeling instead :)