itsmyweaponofchoice

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

This is my very first post. It's amazing how many times in my life that I've started over.

Day One: Recovery - “The Unveiling”

This is extremely hard for me for me to post this. I am aware that this isn’t anonymously posted. I need to be anonymous (to some extent) from my life to be able to express how I’m really feeling. I’m brutally honest & I need to be in this area so I can recover from this horrible illness that has a strong hold on me & has for 28 (give or take) years. 

I have made a conscious effort to read up on binge eating disorder/osfed today. It’s been on my mind (heavily) for a while & I’ve just been unable to figure out where to head & how to start. 

This is my start. I CAN DO THIS! I’ve started with Cognitive behavioral therapy & realize (in the most recent instance) why I am doing this. It’s rather personal & is not something that I’m able to share right now. 

Nonetheless, I have a start; I know what’s causing this. I can recover now. I can move forward now. It all sounds so simple in type. I know that it’s not as simple as not eating. If it were that simple, I would have never started.

I’ve kept myself busy today in hopes of distraction from the kitchen. I’ve done well. Now, if I can make it through the night, I’ll have day # 1 in the books. 

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

I AM DONE.

I weighed 278 pounds today. I haven't grown a baby. I ah e no excuse for this weight gain. My baby is nine months old & im gaining weight. I've grown a serious weight problem.

I AM DONE.

I purged yesterday. I haven't purged in well over a year & yesterday I said the hell with it. Yes, I said hell. There's no other word that will adequately describe what I was feeling.

I AM DONE.

Today was the first day that I've felt genuinely good about myself, about my body, about where I am right now, about my decision to do things differently.

I AM DONE.

Mark my word: my binging is through. Join my for the ride. Watch and see.

I AM DONE.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Follow or No?

I haven't been on Facebook all week. I've found myself unfollowing people instead of unfriending so I don't hurt their feelings.

Who's that helping? Not me, that's for sure. I decided to not have any unnecessary garbage clouding my journey.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

God, Could You Hurry?

Every single day, I binge. I wake up thinking, "no more. I can do this." And then it happens, I start.

I know God brings me to it & He'll bring me through it but, could He move it along a bit? No seriously, do you ever want to rush Him? All jokes aside, for real.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Blue in the Face

Same mistakes over and over and over again until I'm blue in the face from them. Not from holding my breath, because if I was holding my breath, I'd surely be gone.

I shared my testimony of 10 years clean from crystal meth this last Saturday. Maybe I'll share that with y'all, just not today.

It was on a live feed from the church. This I didn't know until the pastor came down from the sound booth & handed me a microphone. WHOAH in my best Joey Lawrence voice from Blossom. It's hard enough to get up in front of people and give your testimony. I've done it a few times now & God gives me a different way every time, although the story doesn't change.

God opened my eyes Saturday. There was a lady after me that shared her addiction with food. WHOAH. It was powerful. Hugely powerful. I've had the best two days after that I've had in a very long time. Two days without the overwhelming thoughts of food & everything leading up to eating, or not eating the food. If you're battling, I don't need to say anymore, although I could fill a book with "thoughts of food".

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Sick of Being Sick

I've been sick (nauseated) for weeks. About three weeks to be exact. I've decided to delve into gut health. This is something I've never really thought about. It's time to think about it.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

🙌🏼

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

It's been another minute.

Why is it always a struggle? This thing called life, I mean. I'm still here. Struggling. You here?

My night has shifted & geared back down & up & reversed & ....

I'm out of my struggle today.

I'm appreciating the skin I'm in. I'm not purging. I haven't purged in a year or so. Give or take.

This is where I am.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

It's here.

The dreaded moment where I have no choice but to change. The moment when I am now required to succulent every morsel that’s goes in my mouth & check my blood sugar three times a day. Yep. Gestational diabetes has arrived. Full speed ahead. This is the third 3 hour tour that I’ve had to take on my pregnancy journey. This is the first that I have failed. It somehow seemed different when I documented all my food because I wanted to. Now, I have to. I gained 50 pounds over the course of a year. Maintained the 50 pounds for sixth months & found out I was pregnant. I have gained 30 pounds respectively over the last six months. I weighed 281 at the doctor’s office this morning. Let’s see how things change.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

I could say I'm not struggling...

But that would be a lie. The fact that I'm doing pretty well with my food is a truth. The fact that I'm doing pretty well with my brain is a lie. You picking up what I'm laying down?

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Fighting the Fight

I can't even remember how long it's been since I’ve blogged here. Not because I haven't wanted to. Out of sheer fear. Fear that I never 'make' it. Fear that I'll be stuck in this same cycle forever. Fear that I’ll be fighting this fight for the rest of my life. 

I’m pregnant. 

Game changer, yes, I know. I found out several weeks ago. I can survive this eating disorder. I don’t have to let it eat me. Pun intended. 

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Sponsoring in drug recovery gives me the opportunity to minister to friends from my former life, which I am grateful for. And by minister I don’t mean preach to. I am able to share my love for the Lord and when I see someone again, just make it a point to go out of my way and let them know I care.

I do care. I want us all to make it. I want us all to heal. I stopped after church last week and talked to a man I’ve been praying for for years. Someone that I know has so much good in him but the drugs are holding him back. Everyone needs someone that believes in them. I believe in him. I love him. Not like I love my husband, of course, but I love him in Christian love.

A couple talks ago with him, I ask him, “do you ever think about quitting?” To which re replied, “every time I do it.”

Maybe I’m not battling drug addiction anymore, but I am battling food addiction and it seems so incredibly overwhelming most days because every single note I put in my mouth, I think about quitting.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Head in the clouds

What is it with addiction? Everything, including simple tasks, are impossible. Sick of this. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Am I convinced?

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

All the way down

I sat & had my Portion this morning. I read my devotional while enjoying every bite of my breakfast. I didn’t rush. I didn’t hurry. I let every bite go all the way down before I had the next.

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

Shut your face to me, Ed.

I am so sick of you, Ed. I don’t even know why we’re together. You’ve NEVER been nice to me, ever. I am so sick of the hateful things you have to say to me. You tell me I’m fat when I think I look great. You pick apart every little detail about my body. Why can’t you just shut your face to me? We’re through. I am so past over you, it’s nowhere near funny. I’m done. 

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

I'm movin' on

I've dropped things that don't benefit me. I'm inching toward healthier habits consistently. I am me. I am doing recovery. Who decides how well?

[itsmyweaponofchoice]

I love to read successes.

One Year Later!!!

Its been a year:

This time last year, I got on a plane to go to Monte Nido. My bones hurt, I was cold, weak, and lost. I felt hopeless and completely and utterly consumed by my eating disorder. I couldn’t imagine being free from it, I thought my life was over, my career finished, every step I took I was petrified my heart was going to stop, or my bones break.

This time last year I hadn’t thought it would be possible to enjoy food, to relinquish control over my eating disorder rules, to follow a meal plan, to own my recovery, to want to gain weight. This time last year I couldn’t see anything more important than my eating disorder, it owned me and my life. I thought I was going to be another statistic of a life lost to the eating disorder.

What a difference a year makes, what a difference a place like Monte Nido Makes, What a difference the philosophy of Carolyn Costin makes.

I have gone a full circle in terms of recovery. Now days I am strong enough to make the healthy choice for myself, to do the harder thing which will get me closer to being healthy; to eat when I don’t want to do, to rest when the eating disorder tells me to go for a run, to reach out when I am struggling, to journal when I feel overwhelmed and most importantly to realize when I make a mistake, and get back on to my recovery.

My life now isn’t all about the eating disorder, it is about recovery. My recovery certainly hasn’t been perfect, every now and then if I don’t maintain 100% focus on the goal of a healthy me, little eating disorder traits creep back in, but thanks to my amazing family, my treating team and the skills Monte Nido has taught me, I catch it early.

Now days my recovery comes first, and suddenly this has produced a wonderful and meaningful life. I now go out for coffee with friends, laugh with my sisters; go out on dates, try new foods, rest when I am tired. I now have a future where the possibilities are endless and I am so thankful for this