meusyou-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[meusyou-blog1]

And you have a very ignorant understanding of what straight means and how it applies to the community which isn't that surprising but seeing as how you don't even understand what "oppression" means then message me and I'll inform you of what cishet privilege is and how it applies to you specifically (or not since you did say you're questioning your sexuality)

I understand that not ALL people view straight to include ‘cisgender’, and I made an edit of that in my post. But my point is that many people argue that to begin with. I didn’t make that up. People do go around saying “if you’re cis and attracted to the opposite gender, you’re straight.” I understand that I have privilege, and I understand that it makes things a hell of a lot easier for me, and I don’t claim to be able to ever imagine what it feels like in anyone else’s situation. What it seems to come down to are people who agree with and don’t agree with split attraction. Some people believe that by not being heterosexual, we’re not straight. I have to agree with this, because straight currently comes across as ‘you are both romantically and sexually attracted to the opposite gender’ and that’s just not the case. Expectations that I have that attraction rises from being called straight. So we want to say ‘I am romantically attracted to you, but not sexually’ and that makes us outsiders in the eyes of many. Again, not making this up. Because of this, I would be hesitant to refer to myself as bisexual. I know some people see the suffix -sexual as attraction. I see that. But others don’t. That’s where the problem comes in. I didn’t start it, but someone did, and it’s now part of the problem.

[meusyou-blog1]

The only form of oppression is systematic there is no such thing as what you're describing except maybe prejudice there is no proof that aphobia exists except personal stories that nobody can verify / many instances of aphobia can be explained as misogyny or another form of oppression (such as homophobia / transphobia, racism) and there is no such thing as heteromantic bisexuals if somebody identifies that way then they likely have internalized biphobia stop spreading these lies in the community

Systemic is not the only form of oppression. Systematic describes the type. What I was describing is the actual definition of oppression, which is where I feel a lot of miscommunication happens. Now, if you want to have a disagreement over the amount of oppression a person may feel, than that is perfectly valid. What I’m pointing out here is the use of the term ‘oppression’ is likely used incorrectly in arguments. In the community, the use of oppression is described as systemic because, yes, that is what’s happening. It is my understand that systemic oppression is similar to institutionalized oppression, though it includes the enforcement of laws and uses of authority to support such laws, as an example. But telling people they don’t face any oppression is both incorrect and doesn’t help the problem. Furthermore, wasn’t the argument that ‘there is no proof’ part of the problem in every community, at one point? Finally, split attraction is used by a lot of people. I’m not going to assume whether or not everyone who uses it has an internalized phobia. I’m not going to assume they don’t. But for some time, it helps them, and if they choose to identify in that manner, it’s likely because they feel that either the current umbrella term doesn’t fully represent them, or that it’s helpful to them in some way. I don’t think anyone using split attraction is trying to be biphobic. If it helps them discover themselves, then maybe that’s what they need?

[meusyou-blog1]

learn what systemic oppression is and how it works. no one cares about some cis straight bitch who doesn't want to fuck, get back to me when you're at risk of being fucking disowned and murdered and it's ILLEGAL FOR YOU TO EXIST IN CERTAIN COUNTRIES. privileged brat.

1) Asexuals are disowned. It’s happened.

2) No one is trying to say we’re murdered or that our existence is illegal. Literally no one is trying to say that isn’t awful, either. But the argument that “I’m going to exclude an entire community of people because they don’t feel as much pain as me” is a little off, isn’t it? In a community that talks about spreading love and acceptance? Especially when talking about a community of people who literally just want to exist and act as allies in that struggle.

3) Evidently, people do care, because it’s quite often pointed out. 

4) You obviously didn’t read/pay attention to the whole post, and

5) Thanks a bunch for messaging me ;D 

[meusyou-blog1]

You're a non-lesbian saying corrective rape isn't a lesbian-specific term, maybe it's time to log out.

My argument was in the definition of corrective rape. In context, it was created to describe the event. Absolutely. Not arguing that. What I’m arguing is to go on and say ‘this is the definition’ without mentioning that context is in itself removing the context from the definition. That’s been done. I’m just reacting to that. Furthermore, I’m not the only one arguing this? So I’ll admit that maybe I’m wrong. I’ll always admit that maybe I’m wrong. But if there is a large group of people who believe something, there usually is a reason, yes? 

Not trying to say that it isn’t awful. Not trying to say it wasn’t intended to be a specific term. But as it stands, there are conflicting definitions. 

[meusyou-blog1]

Just as an fyi if you aren't a lesbian you don't get to decide what is a lesbian-specific term.

Never said I did, and if something came across as that, I do apologize. It would have been great if you could have quoted the part you’re referring to so I had a specific part to fix. Other than that, I believe I just brought up examples for specific points, none of which were made up without being informed in some way, but I’ll take a look again. 

But I think it’s funny that everyone else is quite comfortable coming up with terms for others. I do try to stay in my lane, believe it or not.

Sorry if you were offended, and have a great night! 

[meusyou-blog1]

That ace post was so goddamn embarrassing I can't believe a 25 year old really sat her ass down and typed it all up

Funny, I could have sworn adults had conversations instead of insulting each other. I initiated a conversation, someone responded, and we had a conversation where I personally learned a lot. I’m not embarrassed. That post was an observation, and a response based on those observations using current definitions, and observations inside and outside the community. What’s embarrassing is that you felt the need to send me a message insulting me. So, good job, friendo. Have a great day :) 

[meusyou-blog1]

Discovering Me

I haven’t posted in a while. Things got too busy, but something has changed since the last post. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and the most important thing I’ve learned has to do with this month, Pride Month. 

Buckle up. This will be a long ride. But don’t worry. There will be a tl;dr at the bottom.

CW: Discussion of Erasure, Discourse, brief discussion of rape (#6 on lists), some foul language, let me know if I missed anything.

This past year, I learned that I am asexual. Not only am I asexual, but I’m questioning my romantic orientation. Maybe I’m heteroromantic, and maybe I’m biromantic. Questioning is what started my journey to discovering my asexuality, so I’m embracing this next step in my journey, to fight against my internalized behavior and view on certain subjects and break free to discovering me. But this post isn’t so much about that. That will be a different post, maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. Who knows. Discovering Me Part 2 is on the way.

This post is about my experience within my first year of embracing Asexuality. No one else, though part of my observations have included many people within the Asexual community. If you want to skip this paragraph, feel free, but this is a quick summary of the discovery process. Many moons ago (cheap way to get out of actually having the figure out the years) I met one of my closest friends on a website. We began discussing many subjects, and eventually landed on the subject of sexuality. It was at this point that I learned what Asexuality was. It was the first time I’d ever heard of it. Outside of biology, of course. I had so much to learn, and in learning, I discovered that we had a lot in common. It took me years to figure out that this was because I was, in fact, asexual. My whole life, I’ve been asexual, and never knew. 

Since coming out as Asexual, I’ve never felt better about myself. I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with me, because there are others like me and I am valid. It’s okay to not feel sexual attraction and it’s okay to not want to engage in sexual activities. Even more so, sexuality is a spectrum and one can be fluid. It’s now my belief that sexual and romantic orientation can be static or fluid equally, and it depends on the individual.

Now, the reason for this post. It’s the end of Pride Month. My first Pride Month. I was so happy to be me, and I was so happy to be able to celebrate with the other Aces I’ve met through group pages on Tumblr and Facebook. There was a lot of positivity for each other in these groups. But what I found outside of them?

Quite frankly, a lot of the behavior has been disgraceful.

Now wait. I’m sure there are plenty of people already writing responses to say how I’m ‘making something out of nothing’ or ‘trying to play the victim.’ Hell, I’m sure there are people who already stopped reading to tell me how I’m not valid. But see, that’s the point of this post. 

Let me list a few things I’ve learned this month about Asexuality specifically. If I talked about everything, this would be the longest post ever, and no one is going to read it anyway so I might as well just cover the one thing. I may or may not agree with these things, we’ll get to that later. This is just a list of what I’ve observed. I will edit as necessary.

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. 

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality.

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the LGBTQIA+ community.

4. Asexuals likely suffer from something (trauma, low libido, blahblahBLAHblahblah, what have you...)

5. Asexuals, by creating their own community, are threatening the LGBTQIA+ community. 

6. The use of the term “Corrective Rape” is inappropriate and an insult to lesbians for which the term was originally used.

These were the biggest ones. There were others, and if anyone is reading this, please feel free to continue this list if you like. Discussion is the point. Also, before we continue, yes, I know not all LGBTQIA+. We have a ton of supporters in the community, and we’re all aware and grateful for the support, just as you are of your supporters. But the others. Those who don’t support. They often have the loudest voices. I’m sure you know. 

Now, I’m not trying to overshadow anyone else’s problems. Trans and Bisexuals in the community are getting a lot of hate from the community as well. I recognize and understand that. Most of us in the Asexual community do. So let’s just start with one easy fact we can all agree on, yes?

For most of us, we feel we were born this way. Of course, other situations can play into our current orientations. But most of us believe that the way we are is the way we’ve always been, at least to some degree. That’s part of the joy of being ‘out,’ isn’t it? So I can’t blame a gay man for only liking men in that manner. Nor can I blame a trans woman for being a woman. No one can blame me for not feeling sexual attraction, or a demisexual for only feeling sexual attraction after creating a strong emotional bond. See, sexuality and romantic orientation are almost impossible to lump into groups. Everyone has a different experience, and that’s why spectrums exist. We need to respect that while someone is under an umbrella term, they may not identify entirely with the majority. One small change is all it takes to be viewed as an outsider. Or at least that’s what I have observed. All sexualities are valid. This does not include anything outside of sexual attraction, though. Do not be confused, and do not tell me pedophiles belong in the lgbtqia+ community. That is a different discussion. Moving on. Let’s talk about the list. 

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. Wrong. NOW WAIT! Before you start typing away, here’s why: Oppression comes in many shapes and sizes. No one is saying we are getting killed in the streets during daytime because we don’t feel sexual attraction. Literally no one, and I’ve been looking. We are not comparing ourselves to other members of the community. We are not systematically oppressed. Sure. But we are oppressed to some degree (This is not to say we are oppressed by outside hate groups). Oppression isn’t a race to the finish line. It’s not a ‘who has it worse’ game. Oppression sucks no matter how much you experience. Telling me that I have never been called an abomination just walking down the street, so that doesn’t make me a member of the community, is the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever heard. “Did you get threatened today? I did. Out with you!” Hi. I have news for you. Perhaps we are not getting death threats from as many straight people as you. But guess what? If you’re about to type in the comments “If you’re not systemically oppressed, you don’t belong in the community,” Many people would say YOU’RE THE OPPRESSOR HI HELLO.

We want other people who AREN’T THE SAME AS US to say “Hi. You’re Asexual? That’s neat. I’m ____. Wanna be friends?” Instead of “Hi. You’re Asexual? Here’s why you’re not.” This, friends, is erasure. It takes many forms, but this one is pretty common. “Oh you just have a low libido/you haven’t met the right person yet/have you tried having sex/etc.” Basically, people are telling us our sexuality is not valid, and more of a ‘phase’ that can be ‘cured’ in some shape or form. Is erasure oppression? A little bit, I’d think. Doesn’t it sound familiar? I mostly think that because other groups have brought up their own erasure as a form of oppression in the past. So....? Let’s move forward.

I’m going to bring number 6 up as it’s own, so have patience. We’re gonna skip right over to the community here. We covered erasure. Let’s next talk about the definition of Oppression. Feel free to look it up on google. Here are some keywords/phrases: Burdened by troubles, adverse conditions, anxiety, etc. The exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner. 

Oh, Tumblr. How guilty you are. Not just you, of course, but let’s just jump right into the toxicity of many loud bloggers. Cisgender Heteromantic Asexuals often experience not only erasure but straight up bullying. Yes ladies and gents and those in between, cyber bullying. This is not my main blog. This is my ‘who cares what anyone else reads or says of mine’ blog. I have been told I don’t exist. I have been told I don’t belong. I have been told I don’t belong in the community. I have been told I must be a bad girlfriend, unable to provide. I have been told I will never find love, and will die alone. What was that definition again? The exercise of authority or power in a what manner? Get this! most often than not, I am not asked my romantic orientation. I am not given a chance to say “I currently identify as heterosexual, but I’m questioning if I may be bisexual.” That is an afterthought, after all the acid has been spewed. 

I have been told I just need a good lay to be normal. I have been the butt of jokes, because being Asexual is apparently funny. I have been coerced into sexual activities with their partners, even though I didn’t want to. I have been told that I can be ‘fixed’ if I just open up to a therapist (which, btw, for those who don’t know, I’ve been told multiple times that Asexuality was considered a mental illness until like 2013). I have been told, many times, that I should just ‘kill myself’. Not only by straight people. That’s right. Members of the community. All of these Ace Hate pages? Yes, hello, welcome to the party. You are the oppressors! 

I also want to point out that, again, everything is a spectrum. There are Cisgender HETEROROMANTIC Bisexuals. It happens. There are Cisgender Heteroromantic Homosexuals who may choose not to identify as bisexual, and that is their choice. So what makes me straight if I identify as a Cisgender Heteroromantic Asexual? That is not heteronormative.

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality. Well, maybe you’re right. I don’t know. I’m not the authority on this, and you sure as hell aren’t either. I didn’t sign up for this. But let’s talk about sexuality. When we label our sexuality, we are effectively saying “this gets me going.” We’re saying I am sexually attracted to ____. So Asexuals are saying “I am sexually attracted to nothing.” Now, that’s a generalization because again, spectrum, but you get the idea. So maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s just a name for nothing. But where it gets tricky is when we talk about sex-positivity, sex-neutrality, and sex-repulsivity. These are a part of the spectrum of Asexuality, and I’m sure you’re all smart enough to figure out what it means. Basically, you either view sex positively and may like to participate, you don’t care either way, or sex is gross for whatever reason. Everyone perceives sex differently. That’s okay. I think by saying Asexual isn’t a real sexuality, people are erasing that some Asexuals do actually have sex. I don’t know. Could just be me. Either way, I consider Asexuality a real sexuality, because otherwise, I am nothing. I’m not straight. Just a bit of space dust on a rock. :) 

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the community. Why? If you read the last couple paragraphs for my explanation of number 1, as well as my response to number 2, this shouldn’t still be an argument. Let’s discuss what it means to be straight. You must be 3 things to be straight. 1) Cisgender. Check. I bring this up because, while it has been pointed out this is a transphobic statement (which is not my intention,) it is used in arguments literally all the time against asexuals, and therefore, it is only my observation that people are using this to reinforce being ‘straight’. Many people in the community are cisgendered, so watch out! You could be straight, too! Hold on, calm down, two more to go. 2) Heteroromantic. Check(ish?). Phew, some of you are safe! But, still, not all. See, as I stated above, being a certain orientation sexually is not always mirrored romantically. For instance, and this is a real person I know, I have a Heteroromantic friend who is quite Bisexual. There’s totally nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s great. Because, again, spectrum. So look out! You’re not all safe yet! Here we go.....drumroll....3) Heterosexual. Ouch! Missed by one. How’d everyone else do? If you said yes to all 3, you’re straight! If not, guess what! You’re not! And that’s awesome. Everything is awesome. Be who you are proudly! But most of all, stop shitting on everyone else. Now, I understand some straight people are shitty. But some people in the community can be just as shitty. Please see my response to number 1. ;) Basically, if you ain’t straight, you’re in the community, friend! It’s based off of an early principle of the community - You are welcome if you fall outside of heteronormativity. 

4. Asexuality is likely a result of abuse, trauma, illness, etc... Okay so most of the time I hear this from straight people. I’m not surprised. It’s okay to not understand something. But know when to listen and have an open mind. At the end of the day, you need to stay in your lane. It’s cool. It’s a learning process.

Now, for community members who say this. Are you for real? Don’t you remember when people were saying that about you? Treating your orientations as a phase? Telling you it must be from all that abuse, or because mommy let you join choir instead of football, or daddy didn’t let you date? Don’t you remember when everyone thought it was a mental illness? They still say it! You’re still hearing it! Or have you forgotten so quickly? Why do you say this to us? And for those of us for which this statement is true, why in hell does this make us less valid? Whether it was the result of abuse, trauma, etc., or not, it’s not your job to tell us why we are the way we are. Instead of shaming us for the result, try welcoming us and treating us as friends. Again, we’re not getting killed in the streets. No, I don’t fear for my life because I say I’m Asexual. But our emotions are valid, and emotional trauma as well as physical trauma is tragic when happening to anyone. Just because asexuality =/= death (yet, since it’s still barely known who knows what could happen), doesn’t mean we don’t need a space. It’s a smaller space. We’re fine with that. 

5. Asexual communities are a threat to LGBTQIA+ communities. How? Somewhere I read that Asexuals currently make up less than 1% of the population. Maybe that number just came out of someone’s ass, but we’re definitely a minority. I know 2 people irl who identify on the Asexual spectrum. 2. In 25 years of living. Honestly, who knows how many of us are out there, because many people don’t even know what Asexuality is yet, as evidenced by the “you can’t reproduce by yourself” messages some Ace groups get. They’re quite funny. Anyway, yes. We have our own community. It is the Ace community. Are you Ace? You’re in the community. Welcome. Are you Trans? You’re in the Trans community. Are you Gay? You’re in the Gay community. See how this works? And, are you not straight? Welcome. You are in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Nay-sayers have been telling us to create our own community since we’ve been vocal about our sexuality. “You don’t belong here. If you want a safe space, make your own.” We made our community a little more solid. “How dare you try to overshadow us and steal our resources!” Okay. You’re ridiculous. 

The fact of the matter is, you’re not going to be happy so long as we exist. It’s a lonely world out there, especially when you feel like you don’t belong. Or did you not experience that? Must be nice. Maybe you’ve forgotten. No one understands us completely except for other people like us. So of COURSE we have a community. Just like you do. It’s nice. It helps us feel valid. It’s a support system for when something else in our life falls to hell because, surprise, we’re not ‘normal’. But we’re so. small. We want to be part of something bigger so that we can feel accepted and bond over our shared experiences, instead of being reminded of how we’re different. Isn’t that what you wanted? Did you forget? 

One last note on this. I have seen a LOT of arguments about whether or not the A stands for Ally or Asexual, or both (I mean, the Q is Queer or Questioning, right?) but some people (in and out of our community) feel that straight allies receive less push back than asexuals in the community. Strange. Now, I haven’t seen this because I steer clear of most LGBTQIA+ events. Why? Well I would love to participate, but I’m afraid of being harassed by people who think I don’t belong. So I can show up as an Ally, but I can’t show up as an Asexual? What if I want to be an Ally? I want to help your fight. It’s awful what happens to you. I can’t be, because I’m Asexual? Because I’m not going to keep my Asexuality to myself. I’m proud of my Asexuality. So evidently, I can’t be both. Isn’t the community about several smaller communities coming together to fight for rights and visibility? If the Asexual community wants to join your fight and help the larger community, why is that so terrible?

6. Corrective Rape is a term that was created specifically for Lesbians is how this was first put to me. I nearly choked on air. Yes, Lesbians and female bisexuals (males as well? Let me know if this is the case-) are treated horribly by many societies. Yes, they are raped to teach them the ‘correct’ way to be. It’s disgusting. Everyone knows it’s disgusting, and as a woman who was assaulted in a very different situation, I can tell you firsthand it’s one of the worst things that can happen to a human being. 

I have a story that some of you may not want to read, so skip this if you feel you may get upset. It involves a woman who is Asexual, and a man who is not. The woman trusts this man. He is a father, or brother, or relative, or husband, or date, or stranger. This woman tells this man that she does not feel sexual attraction. Maybe she needed to tell someone. Maybe she needed to tell him so he didn’t create expectations. Maybe she’s just very open about herself and very proud of who she is. Then, this man laughs at her and tells her she’s silly. He tells her she just hasn’t had a good fuck. She becomes offended, and tries to explain her sexuality, but he continues to laugh at her and says he knows how to ‘fix’ her. Maybe he tries.

Get the picture? I won’t continue. We all know what happens next. What does that sound like, to you? Does it sound like a normal rape story? Sure. Except for one keyword. Fix. What about if the man suddenly became irrationally angry? Does that make it more convincing? That happens, too. Either way, in some way or another, it is done with the goal to ‘fix’ her. Or him. Or them. Whoever it may be in this story. Because there are a million different ways this story could go. So tell me. What does this sound like to you? Does it sound like rape with the purpose of correcting? 

Some people argue that the term was ‘coined’ (as was said to me) for Lesbians. But this term is describing an event. Look up the definition. Whether or not that is the case, this is the best way to describe this situation. And it happens. Like it or not, you can’t change that. No one can. And to look someone in the face and say that despite your experiences, you’re not valid? 

Like it or not, if someone is not Cisgender, Heteroromantic, and Heterosexual all at the same time, they are not straight. That is what straight is. You can’t change that definition to *gasp* exclude someone. It’s not your job. This community is about providing a safe space, for everyone to feel welcome and included because we don’t fit in with straight people. Yes, some groups experience more dangerous oppression than others, and they deserve all the resources they require. Yes, other groups needs to recognize when they do not need certain resources. But we all need to realize that oppression in any form is toxic. It is painful, and we could all use love and acceptance. This is working together to understand that we all hurt, but some of us are privileged in being able to have only emotional hurt, instead of physical and emotional hurt. That doesn’t make the hurt less valid. Ever. But it certainly means we have a space, and we need to stay in it. Everyone in the community should be of this mindset: “Come in, join us. You belong somewhere. You are valid. Here is your space. Please stay in your space.” This is working together to create a better community than we left. A better community than the one that rejected us all. 

Happy Pride Month, everyone. I’m PROUD to be a Cisgender, Heteroromanticish Asexual, and I am PROUD to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community! 

TL;DR: 

You know what? I can’t condense that. It’s all too important. But I WILL leave a reminder: I am but one person speaking on my own about things I have observed in and out of the community. These are my thoughts as it stands, and of course are subject to change. I am open to discussion, and more than willing to learn more about other people’s experiences. 

Finally, most of this post WAS aimed at the minority. Most people in the community do not sit around and hate on Asexuals. I said it earlier and I will say it again and again. But hopefully this post was informative for somebody.

[meusyou-blog1]

What My Art Says:

Not much, right now.

I watched a video a few days ago. The guy on camera was talking about meaningful art vs everyday art, specifically in photography. 

Everyday art is the art people post just for the sake of art. Pictures of the sky (my personal Instagram favorite,) landscape photos, etc. I would expand this to art without a higher purpose. It is art for the sake of art, or something along those lines.

Meaningful art is art with that purpose. Photography, writing, drawings, music, etc, with a message. 

With art so readily available to us through the web, it is important that we see more meaningful art. What does my art say? Why did I make this? What can people learn from this? A quote from the video that struck me was “No more easy shots.”

So what can we do? 

I guess for me, I will start looking for pictures to use for educational purposes. I live in a quiet suburban area, so that might be difficult. But a passion of mine is exposing the struggles of the homeless. Maybe I’ll start taking some trips into the city to find some possible shots. 

I’ve taken the first step in this blog of mine, as far as writing. Though, I am using it for personal posts as well. Hopefully I’ll educate others, learn, and spark conversation. Who knows. But writing is my strongest art, right now, aside from my career. 

Anyway, just thinking. I want my existence to be meaningful. I want my art to teach. What does my art say? 

[meusyou-blog1]

Need

It’s an interesting word that’s misused pretty often.

I need to go to the park. No, you don’t need to. You want to. I need a cigarette. No, you don’t need one. Actually, you need to quit smoking. I need to do homework. Yeah, okay. You probably do.

What’s my need?

I need to be needed. I need to feel like my existence is worth something to somebody. If I don’t, I start to feel depressed. This is helped by my naturally nurturing nature. I want to help as much as I need to help. I want to make good things happen. I want to support people. I want to teach, inspire, create. So my need to be needed is usually fulfilled. 

Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes I need to be needed more than I already am because I begin to feel replaceable. I begin to feel insignificant, and I need to contribute more.

Needing to be needed is a strange, horrible, wonderful thing. I don’t know if it’s good. It’s bad only when I give too much of myself. But I do good, with it. I may be tired, or overwhelmed. But someone will live to see another day tomorrow. Someone will keep trying tomorrow. Someone will draw another picture tomorrow, or run another lap, or write another story. 

And that makes me feel really good. Because everyone should do what they want to do, regardless of everyone telling them they can’t.

[meusyou-blog1]

That Dragon, Cancer

It is always incredibly fascinating to me how efficient video games can be at delivering messages. I love video games. It is my escape from things I can not control. It is where my mind can run free. It where I can focus. I can be whoever I want to be. 

I love games with a message. Even more so, I love games that make you think. That Dragon, Cancer is more than I could have ever imagined.

If you haven’t played the game, I suggest you do. It is beautiful but sad. But also hopeful. Please do not read further if you plan on playing it. 

I have to be honest here. A friend told me to play it weeks ago, and I bought it. But I didn’t play it at first. I was scared. I knew the subject matter, and I could guess at the rest. It was everything I expected. I procrastinated but promised I would not watch any Let’s Plays or read any reviews. I would save it for when I was brave enough.

Never happened. There was no point at which I felt brave enough. But when two of my favorite YouTubers played it, I figured it was about time. I wanted to watch them play it and hear their opinions and responses. So I had to play it first.

That Dragon, Cancer is the story of Joel, and his battle with illness alongside his family. I am not a mother. I have lost family to cancer, but never a sibling or parent. I am terrified to. But I know the atmosphere of cancer well. It is terrible and terrifying. A dragon, indeed.

This game utilizes heavy symbolism. I appreciate that. Constantly trying to understand how this could fit into their experience, what it meant...it’s a workout for your brain. I’m not the best at interpreting these things. There was one part I still can’t figure out, in which the child rides the animals made constellations. I will probably scour the internet soon. As it is, I only played this game a few days ago, and still feel as if I’m recovering.

This game is effective right off the bat. We play with Joel. We get to know some wonderful memories of Joel in his happier moments. We get to enjoy the peacefulness of the park. It’s lovely. And then, reality hits. But I’m not typing this to give a full recap of the game. There are ups and downs in the experience, just as there are with the illness.

My favorite scene of the game is the hospital full of cards. I believe it is Chapter 6 - Waking Up. It is my favorite scene, because here we are shown the world outside of the game. We see so many cards, and we feel overwhelmed. Maybe we want to read them all, but can’t. Maybe we do. Maybe we go back, just to read them. And they’re all sad. My favorite card was in the room, in which we see a card in memoriam of a four-year-old.

Favorite is a strange word to use here. It suggests I enjoyed this. I did not. By favorite, I mean that it was by far the most effective and affective chapter. This is not symbolism. It is blatant fact shoved right into our face. People of all ages and environments are taken by cancer. It is a peaceful moment, the calm before the storm, but it is terrible. Those cards are terrible to see. I read them all. 

My second favorite chapter was Chapter 14 - Picnic at the Edge. Joel is gone, but he is happy. Like heaven. I cried harder.

My third favorite chapter was Chapter 11 - Dehydration. Hearing the child’s cry, hearing the father’s desperation...This is reality. This is no game. This is a glimpse into the horrors of illness. Of losing someone.

Overall, this game was about two solid hours of tears for me. It hurt. But I am terribly happy I played it. While it was sad, heart-wrenching...It opened my eyes to the experience of hope, fighting, weakness, strength, and death. A battle we’ll all go through many times, in our lives.

Honestly, I was going to write so much more, but what is there to say other than this game is beautiful, it’s lesson valuable...It’s one of those games I think about and say “Everyone needs to play this. Everyone needs to know. This can change everything.” 

I hope the mother and father are finding peace in their son’s battle being over. He did not lose. He did not give up. He moved on to become greater. 

[meusyou-blog1]

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

The weight of the world is on my shoulders, for just a moment. I feel pain and terror and happiness and hatred and love. I feel acceptance and oppression. I feel death and life. It’s all there, on my back, for just a moment, and I can’t breathe. 

I feel responsible.

Why am I not doing anything? What would be helpful? What can I do? Would I have changed anything? Will I change anything? I didn’t do anything. Would it have been different, if I did? I drown. I drown in these thoughts, in my mourning for people or things I have and haven’t known. 

Then I remember that I can’t know everyone and everything. Not all of my answers are correct, and that’s okay. I try my best. I do more than most. It isn’t enough, but it is something. Still, I struggle to breathe. I am lost. I am drowning.

Sometimes, someone reaches in for me.

I’m am pulled to the surface. A friend, here to remind me that this is life. This is normal. This is okay. I can make no change from the bottom of the ocean. But I can make change here, on the surface. I can make change, even if it looks insignificant. So I swim.

Sometimes I drown. But I always come back up. Sometimes I drown, but then I break the surface, and I remember how good it is to breathe. As long as I keep trying. As long as I do what I believe is right. 

[meusyou-blog1]

Civil Wars

This post is not meant to discount issues in other countries. I live here, and this is my observation.

In every issue we face as a country, America, we’ve fought against ourselves.

Can we stop trying to one-up each other?

Every person matters. We know that. All lives matter. Yes, they do. But in our society, all lives matter doesn’t mean crap. Because there are people who are going to say “Pfft yeah whatever” and continue being the problem. The Black Lives Matter movement is not disregarding everyone else. Stop arguing that. 

Can we stop arguing in politics, too? You people realize that if the Democrats and Republicans would just sit down and talk to each other, and maybe do that debate thing, it would be an easier time finding solutions? Instead of just insisting everything your side does is right and have that be the end?

There’s a constant battle between all the classes. Lower, middle, upper. There’s a battle between the government and the people. There’s a battle between races. There’s a battle in literally every subject. How does everyone have the energy for it? I have literally no clue. 

Why are we arguing? Can’t we just work together? Can we stop naming things and just work toward our common goal? It’s not left vs right. It’s not up vs down. There is a problem and an infinite number of solutions. Let’s discuss the solutions, and find out what is the best fit for everyone. Let’s discuss instead of assume. Let’s take all evidence into account, and consider it instead of treating it as law. Let’s be smart. Let’s stop corrupting our data, and twisting our words. 

There is no room in this world for assumptions. There is no room in this world for hatred. Educate yourself, and discuss. Too much blood has been shed already. It’s time to stop.

[meusyou-blog1]

Hatred

A mildly angry post...

The amount of hatred I’ve been exposed to recently has been more than troubling. It’s been painful, sickening, appalling. A classic case of “I knew it existed but have never experienced it so intensely.” 

Where does it come from? Science doesn’t call for this, nor does religion. It’s created. How? How can people be so closed-minded in days like these? 

Science has proven that skin color is nothing significant. It’s a color. There are different shades. But we are all humans. It’s all a difference in pigments. How does a pigment define a person? It doesn’t. Get off your high horse. You’re a hypocrite anyway unless you recognize and segregate based on different hair colors, eyes colors, shades... 

Wow. Didn’t stop you from dating that girl/guy in high school with blue/green/brown eyes or brown/black/blond/red hair, huh?

Sexualities differ. Get over it. I’m not going to hell because I don’t like the same things you do, or she does, or he does. Why does it matter? How does it affect you? It doesn’t. “How do I explain to my child...” how about you don’t? Because you’re going to explain it incorrectly. Because instead of saying “Everyone is different,” you’re going to say “These people are different. It is unacceptable. They are heathens.” I am proud to say I have questioned my sexuality because it’s normal. It’s good, to try and figure out how you work. How to be happy. How to accept yourself, no matter what. Always ask questions. Always learn. Because being told that she/he needs to marry him/her because that’s just what do is no longer acceptable. Don’t like it? Don’t look for it.

That’s slightly unfair of me to say. I am by no means attacking any one religion or any one person or any one group. But I am struggling to tolerate the hatred. People are becoming more confident; spreading their opinions out in the open. No longer just hiding behind an anonymous name or keyboard. It’s going to turn into a rebellion. This side against that side. All fighting for the same vision, but different fine print. 

People spread hate based on teams. Teams. Red vs. Blue. And I’m not talking about Pokemon Go. I’m talking about politics. I’m talking about sports. I’m talking about race. I’m talking about illness. I’m talking about everything, because everything is a competition. Humans are competitive by nature, but it is holding us back from progress. Let go.

If we learn to work together and accept one another, then maybe there’d be less death. I understand that it’s hard to open up to something you’ve seen as wrong your entire life. So at the very least, turn a blind eye. But do not spread your hate. Do not ruin someone else’s life because you are unhappy with yours. If something makes you mad, search for the reason within yourself. Because if that lovely couple across the street makes you made because they kissed, the problem is you. If you get made at anyone who is innocently trying to live their lives, that is your problem. Get mad at the people killing others. Get mad at the people stealing, bullying, hurting, and disrespecting. But don’t get mad at love and acceptance. 

This is not a cookie cutter society. More than ever, people are breaking away from form to chase happiness. Bless them. Wish them luck in their life. It’s not for you. That’s fine. Stay comfortable in your ways. But there is nothing wrong with everyone else.

We’re shattering expectations. We’re breaking away from form. You can’t stop us. Don’t try. 

[meusyou-blog1]

A Promise to Myself

I’ve made a new promise to myself.

I spend most of my free time online. On Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, AO3, art sites, blog sites, just roaming and learning about other people and the world. It always amazes me, how creative and talented people are.

But there are so many people out there who don’t have a high skill set. People who aren’t taking the best pictures, or didn’t edit well. People who don’t write the best stories. People who don’t animate the best. People who aren’t the funniest or most entertaining. People who are grievously misinformed, even in their attempt at doing well. 

Why are these people always attacked?

The internet has created a demand for excellent content. There is so much content, that no one has time to look at the smaller or mediocre works. We want instant gratification. Right? That’s a crappy attitude.

Growing creators need exposure. They need friendly, constructive criticism. they don’t need to be told they suck. They need to be told they have potential. They don’t need to be told that their work is full of mistakes. They need to be told where they succeeded. A simple change in dialogue could change the world. A change in dialogue could change a person.

Today I left a constructive comment on a YouTube video. Someone animated a fight with a video game character, meaning to expand a universe. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t awesome. It was interesting. It had potential. I told them to round out the dialogue and gave examples. I told them to clean up the animations and admitted that I knew nothing about animating. But I praised their work and explained that I write and dialogue is important to me, so they knew where I was coming from. They were grateful. They hadn’t received many comments like mine. It has been up for a while.

Nothing anyone does is meaningless. It’s all art. So why do people bash others? Do they not understand how hurtful their words can be? How it can extinguish a flame so easily, especially in the younger community? Do people not understand the concept of Cyber Bullying? Can these people even do what these creators are doing?

It is appalling and confusing. Everyone deserves a chance to develop their skills and receive good feedback. Just because they’re not your favorite content creator doesn’t mean they matter less. Maybe one day, they will be your favorite. But they need to be supported. 

My promise to myself is to be more helpful. I want to tell people how to improve. I want to give them a friendly opinion. I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to support. So I will. 

[meusyou-blog1]

Art

I find everything to be art. Everything is the product of someone’s creativity and skill. Therefore, anyone is capable of art. Woodwork, metalwork, drawing, painting, composing, gardening, performing. You have the art of fashion, of communication, of business, of teaching.

Of living.

Living is an art. Life is hard. No matter where you are, or what situation you are in, you have personal struggles. Using research in the form of personal experiences and lessons taught, and a careful application of these theories, we make it through each day. There are so many fine details we have to observe in our lives. Each day there are rules to follow, ways to act. We have to be creative in the never ending pursuit of expressing ourselves. We have to be creative to be unique. So maybe living is the big picture, and our uniqueness comes out in our finer arts. 

From a young age we are told that we are made for fine arts, or that we are not. “Perhaps your brain is not wired for music,” or “maybe you’re just not meant to be an (visual) artist.” I think this is absolute crap. Just like creating our big picture takes work and the development of skills, so do our smaller pictures. So does our musicianship. So does our communication. 

We are constantly shifting and growing. Our lives are not stagnant by any means. Even on days when it seems too hard to move, we are thinking. We are breathing. We are shedding old cells and creating new ones. Life is always moving forward. Time is always moving forward.

If I stopped writing, performing, and teaching tomorrow, it would not effect the progress of my big picture. It would not stop the painting I’ve been working on since the day I was born. It is ever changing, a constant in a world of changes. I treasure that. It is my history, a mural on which I can look back and see the progression. I can remember who I was even a week ago, and see the differences compared to who I am now. It will change as I change. What do I want my picture to look like, at the end?

Every life is a story. Every life is a painting. Every life is a song. And just like art, every life is precious, and unique, and so important.

[meusyou-blog1]

The First Post

I have a lot to be thankful for, but sometimes it takes a long road to identify all of it. I analyze myself all the time and reflect as much as possible...I think I’ll start writing things out. Welcome to my ‘ice breaking’ post. 

Who am I?

I wait. I wait for this answer every day. Years crawl by and I still wait. I can feel it resting heavily on my shoulders as I age. Who am I, but a single life in a sea of billions. Billions of stars shining, and here I sit in my boat. 

My little boat.

Filled with tears and blood, and every color of the rainbow. Here I wait for any sign from anyone. Who am I? Who do you want to be, it whispers. I don’t know. Happy? I want to be happy, but ‘’happy’ doesn’t define my choices and my being. Happy just is. How do I become happy? A list of conditions begins to form in my mind, overwhelming and yet a start.

My titanic list.

Sometimes I am happy. I play my music, write my stories, take my pictures. They are important to me. They are important to my family. But no one else. Sometimes I am happy when I write my stories that 200 strangers read, and follow. Sometimes I am happy when I read the stories of others and give them words of encouragement: “You’re doing great!” “You can only get better!” “Write for yourself!” Sometimes I’m happy when I’m teaching. I’ve spent my entire college career chasing a degree in teaching music, something that was always dear to my heart. Yet suddenly it’s not enough, as I am about to receive certification. When did it stop being enough? Sometimes I’m happy when I sit in front of my computer and watch other people succeed where I have failed.

Failure.

I wait, and waiting brings that darkness; that gloom that curses me and has since I was 12. Depression. I wait, and sometimes I wait too long, and it hurts too much, and I have no one. No one but people I cannot speak to. Not about this. I wait, and I wait, and I gasp and plead and cry. I wait and it hurts. When does it stop hurting? Never? Will this pain be forever? It feels like forever. I can’t focus, I can’t remember. I do well, but not enough. It’s not good enough, and I know that. But no one else sees. I am fine. I am functioning. I succeed, despite the failures I feel deep inside.

I have saviors.

Saviors I will not meet, or speak to. Saviors whom I see from three feet away as I drift to sleep every night. Saviors who will never know what they did for me behind a computer screen. Because who am I, but a single soul on a boat, in a sea of thousands of shining stars? No one. But my saviors are my family. I know them well, and this one-sided connection is enough. It’s enough, on those night during which I experience my greatest pains. It’s enough when suddenly nothing else is. I want nothing more than to tell them what they’ve done for me, to bring them the hope and happiness they’ve brought me. But who cares? Who cares about my tiny victories or my insignificant desires? For I am not the first or the last. I can only hope that they care.

What do I care?

My personal plight is insignificant. In a world of death and chaos. A world that needs love so badly. I am willing to share, but I share too much. I have none for myself. I wait. Things get worse. What else can I do? Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers...What can I do? I wait. Nothing changes.  I am afraid. I educate myself and share my knowledge with others. I open my mind, my soul, and my heart. I wait. Nothing changes. I am too afraid to stare down the barrel of a gun. I am too sick of sitting and watching. The news is terrifying and infuriating, but I am scared, and so I wait. How long will I wait?

Who am I?

I am compassionate. I am loving. I am open-minded. I am mature. I am alone. I am clingy. I am heartbroken. I am scared. So, so scared. And sometimes, I am happy. I am a musician, an educator, a photographer, a writer, a lover, a sister, a friend...I am hurt, but I will heal. Because I have saviors. Because I have fire. Because I am young. Because even in my darkest moments I’ve pulled through to see the sun shining, and though it may not be shining brightly now, it will warm my skin in the darkness.

TL;DR - 

Poetry has never been my strong suit. Freeform writing is. I think I’ll stick to this method of therapy. Writing anonymously to a bunch of people is easier than trying to speak to someone. I should have figured this out sooner.

My gratitude goes out to my two largest ‘saviors’ - as typed above. @markiplier and @therealjacksepticeye .  These two YouTubers kept me afloat even as the water burned my lungs, and have been my greatest outside influences for the past few years. Of course, they didn’t work alone, but really it would take forever to tag everyone else, and I shouldn’t post the real names of my irl saviors. But there are few, in the grand scheme, and I am more than grateful for everyone and everything that has helped me reach this point in my journey.

There is a lot I am thankful for. Sometimes, it takes a long road to identify all of it.