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When Two Narcissists Become One

When Two Narcissists Become One

I was raised in west Michigan. My father, an ordained minister; a dyed-in-the-wool Calvinist who adopted Southern Baptist practices on his twenty-two-year pilgrimage as he migrated south, then returned to his Dutch roots when I was four.

Along the way he married, adopted a son, became a widower, and picked up a young Texas beauty queen who volunteered answering phones in the counseling center…

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⁣ Why are boundaries so confusing in a psychologically abusive relationship?⁣ ⁣ harping on boundaries as I fight getting the hiccups. ⁣ ⁣ #psychologicalabuse #boundaries #healthyboundaries #reactiveabuse #respond #dontreact #dontreactrespond #healingfromnarcissisticabuse #acon #adultchildrenofnarcissists #healingfromabuse #toxicrelationships #toxic #toxicfamily #mentalhealth #healthyrelationships #selfhealing https://www.instagram.com/p/BuW7c1Yg6TA/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1az6dr7z5tb1d

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⁣ Setting boundaries. ⁣ ⁣ Sometimes, I’m caught off guard by people who overstep my boundaries. ⁣ ⁣ Address the issue, don’t avoid it. ⁣ ⁣ It doesn’t need to be confrontational, it just needs to be addressed. ⁣ ⁣ State the boundary. ⁣ ⁣ Hold the boundary. ⁣ ⁣ When in doubt, say ‘no’ or ‘I’ll get back to you.” ⁣ ⁣ Practice saying ‘no’ about the little things, so it’s easier to say ‘no’ to the bigger things. ⁣ ⁣ There are people who will simply ask things of us because they want or need something done, and there are people who will take advantage of us or harm us. ⁣ ⁣ It doesn’t matter what the motivation or nature of the interaction is, it’s okay to say ‘no’ ⁣ ⁣ It’s kind of nerve racking at first, but it gets easier with practice. ⁣ ⁣ Boundaries are a huge part of healing and self care. ⁣ ⁣ Take care, today, Lovely⁣ ⁣ #narcissisticabuse #healing #boundaries #healthyboundaries #acon #adultchildrenofnarcissists #healingfromabuse #selfcare #selflove #boundarysetting #justsayno #video #portraitphotography #bw #setboundaries https://www.instagram.com/p/BuQApNLAGnW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=4s2rqhuv19zl

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⁣ Setting boundaries. ⁣ ⁣ Sometimes, I’m caught off guard by people who overstep my boundaries. ⁣ ⁣ Address the issue, don’t avoid it. ⁣ ⁣ It doesn’t need to be confrontational, it just needs to be addressed. ⁣ ⁣ State the boundary. ⁣ ⁣ Hold the boundary. ⁣ ⁣ When in doubt, say ‘no’ or ‘I’ll get back to you.” ⁣ ⁣ Practice saying ‘no’ about the little things, so it’s easier to say ‘no’ to the bigger things. ⁣ ⁣ There are people who will simply ask things of us because they want or need something done, and there are people who will take advantage of us or harm us. ⁣ ⁣ It doesn’t matter what the motivation or nature of the interaction is, it’s okay to say ‘no’ ⁣ ⁣ It’s kind of nerve racking at first, but it gets easier with practice. ⁣ ⁣ Boundaries are a huge part of healing and self care. ⁣ ⁣ Take care, today, Lovely⁣ ⁣ #narcissisticabusesurvivor #boundaries #narcissistrecovery #healthyboundaries #keepyourboundaries #healingfromabuse #healingfromwithin #npdsurvivor #cptsd #selflove #begentlewithyourself #justsayno #protectyourself #narcissisticmother #acon https://www.instagram.com/p/BuP_UXOArZE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1p4atzww9whui

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⁣ When you step out to meet life goals and good things start happening, do you lean into it or shrink back?⁣ ⁣ As adult children of narcissists, the other shoe always dropped. It wasn’t a question of “if” but ��when”. We were so careful to gingerly step toward our hopes, desires, and dreams, because, inevitably, we were going to be forbidden from doing it, shamed out of doing it, or shunned for doing it. It was happening when we were very small, so we never noticed that was why, we just saw those things as the barrier to our free will and the inevitable reaction to stepping out in life. ⁣ ⁣ I get it. We might be adults, but the dynamic hasn’t changed from when we were kids. Some of us are financially dependent on them or have that deep seeded, societal indoctrination about duty and honor and respect. Or we feel like the world will implode if we don’t have their approval. ⁣ ⁣ It won’t. I promise. It won’t.⁣ ⁣ At one point in my life I was saying to myself, “if I have to live in my car, I’m willing to do that.” But guess what — it never came to that — but, guess what some more — If someone told me I had to live in my car or go back to the life I had, I’d live in my car. No question. ⁣ ⁣ Where there is a will, there is a way of escape. ⁣ ⁣ When you step out and show up in your life to make your own choices, build healthy boundaries, and allow yourself to do the things you’ve always wanted to do, your world gets a whole lot bigger with a lot more options. ⁣ ⁣ Following our own path is like dumping a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the West. She begins to melt and we see how powerless she is. ⁣ ⁣ Step out for yourself and lean into the good. Failure is better than not trying. ⁣ ⁣ Keep fighting, Lovelies — you’re worth it. ⁣ ⁣ #acon #fearoffailure #dontfear #steppingout #followyourdreams #healingfromabuse #psychologicalabuse #npd #npdsurvivor #narcissisticmother #narcissisticabuse #narcissistrecovery #healing #fearless #toxicpeople #selfsabotage #selflove #cptsdsurvivor #selfawareness #begentlewithyourself #narcissistsurvivorgroup https://www.instagram.com/p/BuKOWQkgfV4/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=o5s6ltt7uwa

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⁣ Ever notice yourself?⁣ ⁣ Like what you’re doing and why you’re doing it? ⁣ ⁣ Do you ever stop and think, “Why am I feeling this way and responding this way?”⁣ ⁣ Good. That’s good. Now, stop there. ⁣ ⁣ Whatever you do, don’t judge it, don’t brush it aside, and don’t try to overcompensate for it. ⁣ ⁣ Just let it be. Notice it. And get curious about it. Start asking questions to yourself and start answering them honestly. ⁣ ⁣ Don’t berate yourself. Don’t shame yourself. Ask yourself what you’re needing in those moments where you’re doing something cringe-worthy, like, get defensive or feel like you have to be right or add your two cents when no one is asking for it or obsess over one interaction for, like, half a day before realizing that interaction wasn’t worth two seconds of your time. (Who does these things and has two thumbs? This gal, right here.) ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay. It’s not a crime. And you/we haven’t done anything wrong. Tell yourself that the feeling of needing to control a perception or an outcome is just a feeling — it’s not a fact. Validate yourself in that moment and do the thing that is going to serve you and your wellness journey. So what if someone didn’t agree with your opinion or you put your foot in your mouth or you over-shared. Next time, you may not feel the urge to do so at all — and that’s what’s so great about learning to live ourselves. It’s a process. And it’s all okay. ⁣ ⁣ Hugs, Lovelies. Be gentle with yourself today. ⁣ ⁣ #healingfromnarcissisticabuse #bekindtoyourself #npdsurvivor #acon #adultchildrenofnarcissists #healingfromabuse #selfawareness #selfawarenessjourney #begentlewithyourself #selflove #selfcare #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #cptsdrecovery #cptsdsurvivor #psychologicalabuse https://www.instagram.com/p/BuHC8ESgYCW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12fmzfr6icmtf

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⁣ Shame ⁣ ⁣ I opened up a message in my DMs today and was assaulted by male anatomy from a stranger. This happens. I know this happens to every female out there. ⁣ ⁣ But it doesnt make it OK. Just for the record: I will report and block anyone who does this. ⁣ ⁣ The most striking thing about what happened today: The first thing I did was wonder what I had done or said or posted to cause someone to do that. ⁣ ⁣ I felt SHAME. ⁣ ⁣ I heard my mother’s voice telling me, that’s what I get for putting myself out there. ⁣ ⁣ THIS is part of healing. Stopping those thoughts the moment they happen and rewriting that internal message. ⁣ ⁣ My presence on IG did not make someone else do something that was disrespectful, disgusting, and inappropriate. Someone crossed a boundary they had no right to cross, because of themselves, not me. ⁣ ⁣ THIS is what is so dangerous about psychological abuse from a narcissistic parent. They break down our boundaries and defenses and self worth from birth, and too many of us are walking around unsure of who we are and what we deserve as human beings. We put everyone else ahead of ourselves and our needs. We think we are the reason someone makes bad decisions that affect other people in a negative way. ⁣ ⁣ SHAME, not on us. Not anymore. We will take responsibility for the things we actually do to negatively affect someone else, but we will no longer wear the shame that belongs to perpetrators, bullies, psychopaths, abusers, thieves, liars, cheaters, and boundary busters. We will learn to be fortresses for our own precious souls, because our abusive caregivers could never teach that to us in a timely manner. ⁣ ⁣ I will no longer wear the shame my mother placed on my shoulders for being female, being alive, and having a voice. ⁣ ⁣ Thank you to the dbs with their d- pics — for showing how to use blocking and reporting features and take back our humanity and dignity in some small way. ⁣ ⁣ Use every twinge of shame, every moment of self doubt and use it to flip the script in the life the narcissist wrote. It is not over. Not by a long shot. ⁣ ⁣ We’ve got this, Lovely. ⁣ ⁣ Subscribe to my mailing list for updates and happenings. Link in bio. ⁣ ⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/BuF0YyLA5FC/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=nt33giqu60uj

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⁣ Chronic Pain + C-PTSD⁣ ⁣ Talking about it is exhausting. Loving it is exhausting. ⁣ ⁣ I can’t tell you how good it felt, yesterday, to have my first doctor appointment in 15 years that felt like a step in the right direction. ⁣ ⁣ I referenced the book #thebodykeepsthescore in my new patient appointment with my new family doctor yesterday as I went over my medical history and answered the quality of life wiestions. There was a spark of recognition in his eyes. ⁣ ⁣ “You’ve read it?” I asked. ⁣ ⁣ Not only has he read it, he puts a lot of that knowledge into practice. I’m now on a plan of treatment that will include pain psychology with mindfulness practices combined with traditional medical knowledge and practice. ⁣ ⁣ If you are a chronic pain warrior with C-PTSD symptoms, never give up the search for finding a way to heal using mind and body practices. You are a whole person who probably feels fractured who deserves to feel while again. ⁣ ⁣ I’m thinking of doing regular blogs and videos about the everyday of healing from trauma with C-PTSD and chronic pain/illness. Anyone in?⁣ ⁣ Also, this picture makes me miss my bangs from last spring — what y’all think? ⁣ ⁣ #cptsd⁣ #thebodykeepsthescore #mindandbody #healingfromabuse #chronicpain #acon #adultchildrenofnarcissists #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticmother #narcissisticparent #narcissisticabusesurvivor #selfcare #mindfulness #treatthewholeperson #ptsd #healingeveryday #blog #wellness #healing ⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt6O3TmAt3J/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1n5jsggzxqhev

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⁣ ⁣ How do you feel when you walk away from spending time with someone or a particular group of people?⁣ ⁣ Do you feel energized and uplifted? Do you feel drained and discouraged? How does your body feel? What is your mind doing? ⁣ ⁣ Do you ever find yourself rationalizing why someone might be the way they are in order to tolerate their presence? ⁣ ⁣ When your gut is telling you, you do not want to be around someone, do you chide yourself for not being a better person?⁣ ⁣ When you find yourself consistently leaving an interaction with particular people to nurse a migraine or a back spasm or severe fatigue and low spirits, do you take note? ⁣ ⁣ Our bodies are telling us what we were taught to ignore. Our gut instincts. In fact, our gut is probably fluttering and twitching and aching just before that raging headache or that back spasm happens. It’s trying to get our attention before our body gives out. ⁣ ⁣ When I left my abusive parents’ home, my battle with 2 or 3 migraines a week ended. They resurfaced when I married a toxic person. And subsided when I got divorced. Now, when I get a migraine, I can pretty much guarantee it’s because I’ve been in a toxic environment that I was ill-equipped to handle. ⁣ ⁣ Avoiding toxic people altogether is ideal, but not always possible. This is why it’s so important to recognize those little red flags along the way and make a plan to get some self care and positive self talk underway, immediately. ⁣ ⁣ It’s possible to be a kind and loving person AND discern if someone is toxic. It’s not being intolerant or rude to have boundaries that a toxic person may not like. We’re not bad for not wanting to get sick from their presence. ⁣ ⁣ We do NOT have to like everyone, and everyone does NOT have to like us. We can still be polite AND excuse ourselves from dinner early. We can care for someone AND still have boundaries to protect ourselves from them. ⁣ ⁣ Boundaries are just as much for the toxic person’s well-being as our own. We say “no” for our own sake as well as theirs. If they have such a penchant for drama, they can take it elsewhere. ⁣ ⁣ What is your body telling you today?⁣ ⁣ Join my mailing list in the link in my bio. ⁣ ⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/Btv02YdHg7q/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=um3qza02b4fc

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Flashbacks and Breakthroughs as an Adult Daughter of Narcissists

Flashbacks and Breakthroughs as an Adult Daughter of Narcissists

The thing with flashbacks is that you never know what will trigger one, but it can be healing to stay open to the secrets they hold. I have only recently begun experiencing flashbacks. I didn’t know what they were at first, but as I became comfortable sitting with my feelings, I became curious about them and wanted to understand the lessons they had to teach me.

Muscle Memory

The first time…

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5 Things an ACoN Learns After Christian Spiritual Abuse

5 Things an ACoN Learns After Christian Spiritual Abuse

When Two Christian Narcissists Become One

I was raised in west Michigan. My father, an ordained minister; a dyed-in-the-wool Calvinist who adopted Southern Baptist practices on his twenty-two-year pilgrimage as he migrated south, then returned to his Dutch roots when I was four.

Along the way he married, adopted a son, became a widower, and picked up a young Texas beauty queen who…

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⁣⁣ Today is part of your journey and your journey is part of the destination. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Wherever you are is right where you need to be, today. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Take heart, dear one. We are in this empathic gazelle life together. It was not all for nothing.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Click the link in my bio to Subscribe or Visit the run, gazelle, run site. 😘 ⁣ ⁣ #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissist #recoveringfromabuse #narcissisticmother #nocontact #acon #adultdaughtersofnarcissisticmothers #narcissisticabuseisdomesticviolence #healing #meditation #affirmations #thrivingnotsurviving #npd #cptsd #ptsd #mindfulness #survivor #chronicpainwarrior https://www.instagram.com/p/BtgPaBwAwbM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yfnmo36e5aoh

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⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ The Polar Vortex can be a bit like a Narcissistic abuser’s presence. It affects everything and everyone around, and the only way to stop getting sucked in by it is by changing mindset and taking action to mitigate damage to yourself and those in your care. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Hopelessness and inaction will keep you stuck and cause further significant damage. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Believing you can do something to change your situation is a good start, then doing something simple to create a boundary or sanctuary from the storm, if you will, is best. Whether that means leaving altogether or creating a space in which you can think clearly and not frantically, you can create any boundary you deem necessary. It’s your life. It’s your choice. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Many of us, while in abusive relationships, believe we have no choice and we are not capable of following through on that choice. That is part of the abuse. We are made to believe we are powerless, and our minds and bodies started to believe it as well. But it’s not true. It’s a lie. There is no shame in walking away from a parent or partner who is psychologically abusive. You are not required by any law or any moral duty to stay with someone who devalues and hurts you. They are dangerous to our health, both mentally and physically. Knowing this and believing this will fuel the energy needed to take a first step to getting to a “safe space” where you can think and get clear and be creative. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Ask for help. When the explosion occurred at the gas company, the governor asked us all to lower our thermostats to 65. And guess what, we did, and none of us lost heat during the coldest week of the year during a snowstorm. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ You can ask a friend if you can stay over, a relative to take you in, or check out that cheap offseason rental on Craigslist. Anything. And, it could just be the best thing you’ve done for yourself, ever, so far. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Whether you’re a child of a narcissistic parent or have a narcissistic partner, there is hope and there is always something you can do. No one deserves to be psychologically abused and suffer the long term negative effects of that abuse. ⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣ Please, get out of the Polar Vortex https://www.instagram.com/p/BtWeDskApw6/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=o5bgqzd6blhx

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⁣ Do you consider yourself a warrior? ⁣ ⁣ As ACoNs, it’s easy to feel defeated, behind, and weary. While life seemed to just be happening to you, the years flew by, and you realized something was wrong. ⁣ ⁣ Have you realized, all this time, there was a war waged against you, and you have fought many battles. You’ve survived in several realms: your present reality, your psyche, your physical body and in your spirit. ⁣ ⁣ While handling the everyday of life most people struggle through, you’ve also fought invisible foes and sustained invisible wounds. You’ve experienced the physical side effects of sustaining and coping with those wounds. Through mental anguish and physical pain, you’re here. You’ve survived. And now you’re learning to overcome. ⁣ ⁣ You are developing the techniques and acquiring the skills as a seasoned warrior to win at life. You are a hero, a champion, a conqueror. ⁣ ⁣ Do you feel it? Do you feel yourself trusting that this journey is leading you somewhere great, that you’re growing in confidence and strength of mind, body and soul? Do you feel yourself getting stronger and better equipped as you elevate your thinking and your associations? ⁣ ⁣ Do you feel like a warrior? ⁣ ⁣ #narcissisticabusesurvivor #healingfromabuse #warrior #mentalhealth #healyourself #overcomingabuse #narcissisticabuse #acon #mentalhealthawareness #courage #abuserecovery #cptsd #thebodykeepsthescore #hero #youareabadass #youareamazing #honoryourwild #yoga #warriormindset #thrivingnotsurviving https://www.instagram.com/p/BtWJgeEA1fw/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1inlea0yncp8y

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⁣ I am sometimes over whelmed by a feeling of worthlessness. ⁣ ⁣ Several years ago, when I told my parents they could no longer control me, they blamed me for all of the problems in the family and told me that I was a fake and a mistake. Their last words to me iterated the messages they had imparted to me my whole life and I suddenly realized why I’ve battled a sense of worthlessness.⁣ ⁣ Recently, a Fred Rogers quote popped up in my Calm app that said,⁣ ⁣ “There’s no ‘should’ or ‘should not’ when it comes to having feelings. They’re part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.”⁣ ⁣ I have Complex PTSD and Myofascial Pain Syndrome with chronic pain from multiple lumbar and cervical ruptures and surgeries. Later, after the effects of PTSD manifested themselves, I realized my panic attacks, outbursts of rage, inflammation, muscle spasms, and fatigue were all physical manifestations of my psychological trauma. This last year, I have come to rely on methods of mindfulness and self care to understand my feelings and heal from narcissistic abuse.⁣ ⁣ I saved the Fred Rogers quote to my phone, and watched Won’t You Be My Neighbor? I began to contemplate the profound and subtle influence Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood had on my childhood when, at one point during the documentary,⁣ ⁣ Lady Aberlin sang: “You’re not a fake. You’re no mistake.”⁣ ⁣ Click the link in my bio to check out my blog post: What Mister Rogers Taught Me About Healing from Narcissistic Abuse or hit the Subscribe button to stay updated and in the loop! ⁣ ⁣ Be well, Lovelies! ⁣ ⁣ #narcissisticabuse #thebodykeepsthescore #fredrogers #fredrogersquote #healingfromhiddenabuse #acon #mentalhealth #yoga #healing #narcissisticabusesyndrome #ptsd #cptsd #devaluation #discardphase #portrait #abuserecovery #feelings #selfworth https://www.instagram.com/p/BtT2aKcAUP7/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=otc5c7j5z63j

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What Mister Rogers Taught Me About Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

What Mister Rogers Taught Me About Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

I lifted my chest and slowly rose from my yoga position, got dizzy and windmilled backward until the couch caught me. I was feeling off-kilter, clumsy, and lightheaded after two nights of panic attacks. I took a sip of water and sat back down on my yoga mat to meditate. My feelings and emotions had been all over the place for two days, and I chased that peaceful high of following the breath,…

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⁣ ⁣ Do you have a daily ritual that helps set your mindset for the day?⁣ ⁣ I have a canister of freshly ground Honduran coffee beans on my kitchen counter. Most mornings, I make coffee before doing anything else, and I realized I instinctively smell the coffee when I remove the lid and think, “Aaaahhh. Smells so good.” It also makes me feel good. I feel happier after smelling it. ⁣ ⁣ This last year, I decided to be more mindful during this moment and set my intention for the day as I take a whiff. Whether it’s writing 3,000 words or deciding to do yoga before breakfast instead of at lunch, or just resetting my thoughts after a night of insomnia or nightmares; I make a point to tell myself, “Enjoy your work. Be present in your mind and body. Nightmares are not reality, you are safe and you can be happy.” ⁣ ⁣ Smelling the coffee is an extremely small thing, almost involuntary, but it is a perfect ritual to reset my mindset and default thinking. ⁣ ⁣ What’s something small you do on a daily basis that could become a meditative ritual to retrain your survivor brain? ⁣ ⁣ Do you practice something like this currently? ⁣ ⁣ Please click the link in my bio to subscribe and join the the tribe of empathic gazelles! I’d love to have you. ⁣ ⁣ #acon #healingfromnarcissisticabuse #psychologicalabuse #retrainyourbrain #thebodykeepsthescore #narcissisticabuse #adultchildrenofnarcissists #healingfromabuse #ptsd #yoga #meditation #changeyourthoughts #mentalhealth #cptsdwarriors #cptsdrecovery #cptsd #cptsdawareness #narcissisticabusesyndrome #narcissisticmother #healingthoughts #ritual #healingrituals #survivingnarcissistabuse #abuserecovery #daughtersofnarcissisticmothers https://www.instagram.com/p/BtQysZRgFSx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=g20pngd841z4