#<- just in case. but its nothing too bad
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ughh ok im out of my meds so im having trouble finishing the asks. they'll get done but give me a bit I can't focus. to be fair it's not like this is urgent and I'm not abandoning them but my mind isn't working with me here sorry folks
#rambles#med tw#<- just in case. but its nothing too bad#ive just been watching video essays for like 3 hours i probably shouldve scheduled this out better
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be real honest. which member of your favorite group whose personality is actually similar to you? are they your bias or not?
#ann.txt#ive been curious about this#esp to atinys but i think people from other fandoms might see and want to share too#in my case my personality is the closest to mingi hongjoong and scoups (with less $$$)#mingi mainly cus of his thinking framework and bluntness constantly talking abt world economy whatsoever 😂#his “cost-benefit” mindset is strong and its shown? but it doesnt make him cold or careless abt his friends#and you know what else is strong in him? his simpness for yunho. boi doesnt have anything bad abt him he has his name in his head 25/8#i think if i have my own “yunho” person i'll have nothing in my head but them too#i think if hes just a clerical worker or avg uni student hed do a good job in business or any job/study thats data driven?#hongjoong and coups. assertive yet open to feedbacks. they treat it as opportunity to improve and reach out wider audiences#while attentive to their members their works the top priority. if they can work then why sleep#be the $$$ daddies 🤑#just in real life yet tricky in games 🤪 but sometimes im also a fool like mingi 🤪🤪🤪#and nope theyre not my bias but its amazing to know you gentlemen 🤝#PLUS THEYRE ALL BIG BABIES MAXIMUM OF 5 YEARS OLD#I AM 5
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii#i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol#anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3#anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing#but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it#my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right.#and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list.#but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really#not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like.#like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes'#cause no. they look like a swamp.#idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage.#i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is#everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive#and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really#like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing.#im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth.#like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake.#anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.
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ohhh fml i was like maybe i cn stya up a bit late after all its weekend tomorrow. no it fucking isnt today was thursday i have work tmrw everything is evil always
#gonna get ready 4 bed ig.. i wanna try n wake up at ermm 545 bc ive been sleeping in far too much and ive barely been brushing my teeth in#the mornings ive mostly just been doing mouthwash#aughhh idk why my body is being so dire today my thighs r doing the incredibly weak and fatigued thing again. i feel like that tweet thats#like im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idc abt that rn but its i probably have some undiagnosed physical disorders but i live in a#garage so idc abt that rn#idk. its been going on for a couple years but its been getting worse to the point i can barely move my legs when it happens#that and then my limbs have been falling asleep very quickly even when theres nothing thyat would like. im not laying on them or anything#ill just be walking or something arms at my sides and one or both will get rly bad pins and needles#and it rly sucks and is weird. but again i live in a fucking garage so it is fr the least of my worries#like rn at my computer typing my arm isnt resting on anything or having any pressure put on it and my hand is falling asleep. UGH#it has been happening a ton with my hands i get this weirxd sensation in my wrist/palm zone that like. idk#its weird and i should prolly get it checked out but i dont have a dr rn and like. worst case scenario i chop my arms off and either surviv#and have a good story or i die and dont have to go to work anymore. so
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jesus fucking crist lately I have not been able to eat anything or think about eating anything without getting really fucking sick r zcz1dc11. , im so tired of it im tired im tired bro im tired
#if im not high while eating i nearly puke#even then its bad is really realty bad#nothing ever sounds appetizing anymore not even my d#favorite foods :(#nothing appetizing on planet earth :(#maybe i will get granola bars and live off those. the only food i can stomach#other than plain toast i can eat that too 😭😭😭😭#i wish i could live off smoothies and be fine all i want rn is a smoothie#thes.txt#negative#disordered eating#Just in case#IDK
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i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested
#yesterday was kind of the wake up call#for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or#not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways#and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the#most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books#95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different#anyway i digress#my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her#i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to#keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally#like i was SOBBING#and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever#and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain#and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant#and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up#and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind#and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going#to the dentist….ok#and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening#like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply#and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so#and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in#when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!
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ice cream ✨always✨ makes everything better!!!!
#like today… i had a seriously horrible very bad day :(#so i went out to buy like $20 worth of ice cream and now both my wallet and heart feel lighter than before!!!!!#ok fr though i needa rant about my day here in the tags just to get it all off my chest in case i snap at the interns tomorrow lol#this morning one of the mfing titration machines kept giving wonky results >:(#so i just filled its stupid job queue thing with tons of repeats so that it could just run on its own while i did other things instead#then this intern came in and said ‘i’ll take care of these few machines!!!’ and yanked the probe out of the test solution…#all while the thing was still running ಠ‿ಠ and welp time wasted? time wasted.#and this other titration units kept giving invalid blank values for the entire day which sucked bc it was our best unit >:(#then this higher up lady checked the machine and found precipitates in the burette. yeah too bad she only found it like an hour before 5 ಠ‿ಠ#that machine worked properly after it was cleaned out though. as expected of our best unit~#but while those 2 units were deceased there were 2 other units that were up and running#except this random maintenance guy halted one of the unit’s runs to do some pointless check and wasted good ol’ testing time for nothing >:(#all’s fine! we still had one unit!! :)))) right??? :))))#…yeah no. while i was out submitting some results during the last hour of the workday the computer mfing restarted itself#i came back from the dude’s office to see the computer on the lock screen. ‘haha very funny who locked this?’ i thought as i keyed in the pw#oh *no* it restarted itself. while the units were mid-run. in other words the samples had to be re-keyed in、#the then-currently running samples had to be reweighed，and i still don’t know who restarted the computer >:(#to top it all off，that intern from earlier kept wandering over to pat my back and ask ‘are you okay?’#pls i literally hate human contact pls don’t touch me you’re making this worse ಥ‿ಥ#call me ungrateful but i was pretty close to snapping on her. sorry intern. you’re the capable intern too…#unlike that intern who dropped part of the equipment into the waste container while she was supposed to be washing it >:(#i hate titration soooooooo much :( i can’t wait to try out extra dangerous titration tomorrow :(#i get to play with acids this time i think? sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me—#anyway sorry if you read all that lmao. stay hydrated and eat tons of ice cream for a good time ok?#mona monday
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I do enjoy the Jean as a character and his dynamic with Harry makes me crazy, on the other hand I hate Jean fans here
#personal#like im sorry but making him in a poor meow meow who did nothing wrong just makes him a boring plain character#the thing is that he DID a LOT of things wrong and he is not innocent#ppl say that Harry made choices that led him to the bad things happen to him BUT SO DID JEAN#its his freaking choice to stay in rcm and its his choice to work with harry#and he says that he is old but he is 30 he works out he isn't alcoholic he can choose to have a better life#BUT HE DOESN'T DO THAT#he is so hang up on the rcm and harry and their special force unit that he cant move on#he unhealthily clings to something that breaks him and he sees how it broke Harry#but he says it won't happen to me I have my shit together I am an authority I am in control I can do it#like he is so offended that Harry told him to fuck off and that he is cramping his style like it was probably a first time Harry said that?#but we know that Harry would take on too much cases and he would investigate them by himself A LOT so did he just sneak out?#we will never know but pls dont make anyone in this game Have It Together they are all broken#bc they are humans#and you can't live Right#its not a possibility in real world#they are so three dimensional Im in awe like how do you even show such humanity in a character#he is no longer a character he is a person#who cant be good or bad yeah even Harry#well I must say firing squad is like the first candidates for bad people they do feel like they are animals or smth#like you cant see anything human about them except for the fact that they avenge their captain#fucking game makes me emotional again#why didn't Jean try to talk to Harry when he saw that he is unwell#like I was standing there seeing him sitting in this cafe in his stupid wig#refusing to talk to me#yeah I understand he doesn't owe it to Harry to explain anything#but I dunno if a person cried for your help and they used to be your friend and you still work with them...#like would you just let them die#would you turn your back on them#and if you would why do you still cling to this failed friendship and this person who cries for your help
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So the biggest exam of my semester is in 59 hours and I'm too tired to do any kind of work. Please send help. This is fine.
#sorry for spamming on here but im too tired to care#chronic illness is so funn yall#ive gotten through 66% of my preparations/the curriculum so this is shaping up to be my worst semester result wise ever#which is fine. i mean it is what it is but i had a full on week long break down a year and a half ago for getting a c so this might be fun#gotta love gifted kid syndrome#what do you mean i cant just get straight As now that im only able to do like 25-30 hours work a week and also had major surgery#this semester 😲#i mean itll be fine. unless i have spectacularly bad luck i wont be drawn both in orthopaedic and kbp#and barring that i really probably wont fail or anything#i might even get lucky and get drawn in like SCa and oncology or pain conditions in which case i might even get an a but like...#im probably realistically speaking at like a D. which is fine. its fine. really.#ill just have to get comfortable with the idea and also maybe if im not too sick work some on kbp#orthopaedics can suck my dick honestly. except fractures. fractures can stay theyre alright.#fucking knee and shoulder pathology in orthopaedics however is the fucking worst and i hate the existence of both shoulders and knees wirh#a burning passion atm#he said having been unable to study for like two days and needing a 5 hour lie down after attending a 3 hour seminar earlier in the week#surely that has nothing to do with my current condition#or predicament rather#anyways yeah i love rambling in the tags when im too tired to function properly#not space
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oh i am about to LOSE IT. i just got a notification that two things have been delivered to me, but when i went downstairs to check the mail there was NOTHING there. nothing in my actual mailbox and nothing sitting in the hallway. and now i am EYESEYESEYESEYES because where the fuck is my mail?????
#one of the items was a shirt that was only restocked for black friday and sold out ALMOST IMMEDIATELY#so like. if it didnt get delivered/got stolen i really Do Not think i will be able to get it replaced#and if thats the case i will CRY bc i wanted this shirt SO BAD#im just hoping that maybe they jumped the gun and marked it as delivered early????#bc what the FUCK!!!!!#holding out hope bc usps says i have something else still out for delivery that should get here by 8pm#so im HOPINGBEYONDHOPE that thats correct and theyre delivering it all together later#I HATE THIS THO I HATE THIS SO MUCH#and if i try to call usps to ask about it they will very likely have NOTHING for me bc i have been through this too many times#and they have NEVER once helped#or they go 'oh well u have to wait like 5 days after delivery to report it' and even then its a whole stupid shitty ass process#that doesnt do shit!!!!#i am literally going to go down and check like. every fuckin 30 minutes now or something wtf#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#mack rambles
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a lot of anime opening single b-sides get kinda overlooked but Everyone Should Listen to the b-side of fabiniku’s opening Refrain this song has been consuming my mind for the past 48 hours LIKE listen to it
youtube
the weirdass white noise/ darth vader breathing noise in the beginning and the quiet parts, the jazzy drums in the verses, guitar riffs that will make any dad who listens to too much classic rock air guitar his heart out, the vocals at around the 3:20 mark, the fantastical synth melody, THE FLUTE ASS SOUND are you listening to me are you listening to the FLUTE? the WOODWIND INSTRUMENT in the ‘refrain... refrain... refrain...” sections and the DISTORTION on the “refrain“s in the final seconds LISTEN TO ME listen to the woodwind instrument
#i havent actually watched this show (i've seen a couple clips tho!) but 1) im a big fan of anison in general like#there's a bajillion anime ops and eds i straight up know NOTHING about but i just like the tune or maybe a seiyuu i like sings it lol#and 2) i HAVE read the manga (its fantastic) and i do this like weirdass thing#or maybe its not weird? it might be normal. getting me to watch a television show is an exercise in futility#so whenever im interested in an anime i just read the manga or light novel if there is one#and then i just... look up the music for the anime later JKFKDSLJFLKDS i like tunes!!!#in practice i usually get a similar or somethings even better experience than the anime watchers#but sometimes some animes source material is like REALLY BAD and the anime basically toned down everything that sucked#so a totally different experience in some cases..................... BUT luckily it seems fabiniku is not one of those#i thought the manga was great at least. i get it now. i understand isekais#i always understood modern isekais in theory but in practice i couldnt quite get there#i was too stuck in proto isekais like old shoujo manga isekais or early mmo isekais so this new reborn in another world style#confused me a lot. i figure it was just wish fulfillment that wasnt for me. but fabiniku... i understand now#who knew the way to get me to fully deeply and completely understand isekais was to make the main character lgbt (every letter at once)#actually that makes sense like i love characters that have clear defined identities a lot BUT#i dont connect deeply with them the same way i do with characters like tachibana hfkjdsdfjkds which is fine!! its good to have both#types of characters because some people connect more with defined labels and some connect more with ambiguity (me lol)#and both are always interesting to read about either way~#anyway. fabiniku is absurd and hilarious and has one of my favourite romantic relationships ive seen in a manga ever thank you and goodnight
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Still... Realizing that I have been doing okay for almost two months without major downhills mentally and im a bit scared
#miranda talking shit#Genuinely cant remember that this has been the case before... I havent been this stable for this long#Something happened a few weeks ago.... But i got past that incident after an hour of crying and then an hour of pondering#Usually that kinda of situation would have ruined me but instead ... I was... Okay?#Im guessing this is my new medication working and honestly its... Refreshing. Even my pre period dip wasnt so major#Ive just felt kinda... Okay. Like actually okay. Not 'okay for my standards' but actually okay. Even had some longer moments#Of happiness that wasnt just a little flimmer? I am curious if i can up the medication dose a bit more and see if theres any changes but#Aa... Idk. Im obviously still myself and i think a ton and am close to tears but i havent gotten brought down by anything like i usually am#Usually small things or comments can bother me and bring me down but im... Now? No... Its been okay#Im still too scared to say that ive been doing good bc it feels like if it's out in the universe I'll be fucked over but yeah... Nothing#Major have happened but im just (: life isnt so bad...
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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i cant wait for this apartment yall, my room is gonna have balcony access so when it gets a little warmer next year i can sit outside in the mornings and get some vitamin d....some fresh air....sip on a coffee.....front porch style
#the older i get the more i realize#there's nothing better than just sitting on ur front porch#or your balcony in this case#ESPECIALLY in the morning.#healing....#too bad we're moving in november so its gonna be so cold#t
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