#''oh god this is about to be incredibly fucking stupid isn't it'' and then it WAS

[ranger-kellyn]

finished the scarlet dlc epilogue :)

it was. without exaggeration. Horrible :)

[tgcg]

the master baiter

TG: dont be mad

TG: ok thats like asking water not to be wet but

CG: WATER ISN'T FUCKING WET GOD DAMMIT.

TG: look whatever remember when you said you would die for me

TG: is that karkat in the room with us right now

======

CG: I'M DYING "FOR YOU" EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU PEEL OPEN THOSE SHIT-EATING LIPS YOU KEEP PULLED TAUT OVER YOUR DRONING IGNORANCE SHAFT.

TG: heheheh

======

CG: YOUR WORDSLUDGE SPEARS EVERY PARTICLE OF MY BODY WITH PINPOINT STRIDERIAN IDIOCY.

TG: oh shit here we go

CG: A VERBAL BARRAGE THAT PULVERIZES MY FLESH INTO A FINE RED MIST, KILLING ME INSTANTLY. WIPING ME THE FUCK OUT, TO SUCH AN INCREDIBLE DEGREE THAT PALEONTOLOGISTS CAN'T FULLY DISCERN IF A "KARKAT" FUCKING EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CG: THEY'D BE SCRATCHING THEIR NUGBONES OVER IT FOR FUCKING SWEEPS, IF NOT FOR THE SHOCKING REALIZATION MERE MINUTES INTO THEIR DEBATES THAT NOBODY ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT.

======

CG: AND YET THE TEMPORAL DEVICE STILL SWAYS TO AND FRO IN CONSTERNATION. VEXED BY THE COMPLETE MENTAL VACANCY PUT BEFORE IT BY MY HUMBLE SACRIFICE, BOUND BY ITS COSMIC ROLE, BEGRUDGED BY MY UNSOLICITED DEATH CLOCKING IT INTO OVERTIME. IT HAS BETTER SHIT TO DO, GOD DAMMIT! IT HAS A LUSUS AND A HIVE TO GET BACK TO!

CG: "WHAT IS THIS. WHO LET THIS ASSHOLE IN HERE," IT SAYS. THEY AREN'T EVEN QUESTIONS, JUST ORBITAL SIGHS OF AN UNCARING UNIVERSE. A REALITY NOW KEENLY AWARE OF ITS OWN LAUGH TRACK.

CG: AND ITS PENDULUM TEETERS, TENTATIVE IN ITS OWN DISBELIEF AND PROFOUND APATHY.

TG: damn

======

CG: "THIS SCUMBAG ISN'T EVEN GODTIER YET," IT POINTS OUT. THE AUDIENCE FLIPS THEIR COLLECTIVE SHIT, AGHAST AT THIS REVELATION.

TG: hahaha

CG: IT WELLS UP SUCH A THRUM OF FUCKING ENNUI THAT THE TIMEPIECE FLIPS OFF-KILTER, LANDING SQUARELY IN THE "DUMBASS" ZONE WITH A "FUCK IT" LOUD ENOUGH TO REVERBERATE THROUGHOUT PARADOX SPACE.

======

CG: IT THEN ELECTS TO KICK MY PATHETIC FUCKING HALF-CORPSE BACK INTO THE LIVING PLANE AND FORCE ME, VENGEFULLY FROM THE AUDACITY OF MY OWN IDIOCY, TO REPEAT THIS CYCLE AD NAUSEAM

CG: UNTIL EXISTENCE ITSELF FINALLY CROAKS UNDER THE COMBINED WEIGHT OF OUR COLOSSAL STUPIDITY.

CG: BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK WOULD I BE IF I EVER GOT TO HAVE A BREAK?

======

TG: yep there he is thats him offincer

TG: the man after my own heart

TG: thats a karkat brand "soft yes" if i ever heard one and i know my karkatisms dude im a goddamn graduate in karkatology

TG: i got my degree in this shit

TG: im rocking up to our convos with the dumbass black square hat thing cocked 45 degrees

TG: literally incapable of snapping it back kinda by design of the stupid thing but damn if im not doing it anyways im emanating the snappitudes

TG: im rocking my intelligence right now

TG: also water is absolutely wet dude its like the wettest thing on the planet

CG: I'M NOT REPEATING MYSELF AGAIN

TG: yeah you are

CG: FUCK. I AM.

======

CG: I SAID THE LAST THREE TIMES IT'S A CONDITIONAL TERM--

TG: and im saying its common sense like being wet isnt conditional when youre the perpetual thing of wettening

CG: NO

TG: and brother it is THE wet

TG: like following your conditional argument

TG: if water isnt wet then the other water molecules are constantly making each other fuckin wet so its a moot point

TG: great philosophical debate

TG: which came first the water or the wet?

CG: DAVE

TG: think about it all those particles are wetting each other up all the time and shit

TG: its a fucked up display

CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

======

TG: pretty much a perpetual orgy of the elements

CG: DUDE.

TG: that sounds kinda sick actually if you dont think about what it means

TG: h2orgy

CG: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO VETO THIS STUPID DISCUSSION--

TG: tell me im wrong dude

CG: I'M UNIVERSE-APPOINTED TO HOVER AROUND YOU POINTING OUT EVERY DUMBASS TAKE YOU HAVE FOR THE REST OF TIME.

TG: thats so beautiful to me

TG: i could cry

[inkskinned]

accidents happen. accidents particularly happen around children.

we make scissors designed for children because we know they can hurt themselves on it. we cut their food up smaller so they are less likely to choke. we "babyproof" our houses, make sure our medications are all closed and locked, close all the outlets.

we are told to just carry a gun.

at some point a kid is going to get hurt. everyone with or around kids knows this. often adults (who shouldn't work with kids) are a little-too-okay-with-this. they sneer that in their time, kids just got hurt. which is great for them, but i don't feel it's particularly necessary to willfully allow children to break bones just to "build character". the kids do just fine when i do my job right. i make sure, to the best of my ability, that they don't break the bone. it turns out you can still learn life lessons without trauma. yes, at some point they'll get hurt. that's the nature of it. but i like to try to keep it to a minimum of bloodshed.

about five years ago, in the middle of my summer training, the cop that came in to prepare us for mass shootings actually happened to be the same cop that used to be my DARE officer. what a small world! his hair had gone grey.

before working with children, i had no idea how many things a child can hurt themselves on. i had never thought about the possibility that a child could climb a bookshelf, only for that bookshelf to topple over. everything has to be screwed down. nothing can have particularly sharp corners - what if a child falls backwards onto it? - or be particularly breakable. no plastic bags or choking hazards. watch out for allergens, do your best to clean your super-gross classroom with all-natural (and expensive) fragrance-free products. there's a million other considerations, most of which are difficult on a public school budget. i hate the calculation - either the kids get a new playground 5 years from now OR they get new books now and just risk the tetanus.

the gun is not included in the paycheck.

we do our best, you know? but like, there's the rest of the actual job to do. we're neither trained, paid, or aided in our one-person quest to somehow get jason to stop giving himself splinters. and besides, we have the 98 other things to consider for our 30 other students. one of which is, you know, teaching them.

the children aren't prisoners. we need to walk this incredibly fine line of "chaotic exploration" and "reckless endangerment." to be frank - they're gonna do stupid shit and get hurt while they do the stupid shit. it's my job to at least try to predict the stupid shit, and minimize the risk. and before you judge the kids - i'm going to remind you that adults die every year from shaking vending machines. people just do stupid shit.

did you know that the leading cause of childhood deaths in america is to guns? we're the only country in the world with that statistic. it used to be motor vehicles, which is why there are so many laws about seatbelts, air bags, babyseats, and other protections against accidents. 1 in 5 childhood deaths will be a result of guns. of these deaths, 65% are the result of an intentional attack.

my brother often takes me to archery. i fucking suck at archery, because i have no aim, bad eyesight, and no grip strength. it's fun, though! as a teacher, archery at my school is super banned, because kids could get hurt. no throwing rocks or sticks. no impromptu self-made bows or arrows, oh my god, why do we keep having to have this conversation.

i remember this one conversation with a parent. he was chatting with me during pick-up and mentioned that kinder eggs being banned is so stupid, because, like, if a kid is gonna choke - they kind of "deserved it" for being so stupid. without thinking, my response was, "we don't typically practice darwinism at school, but you can encourage that at home if you wish!" which did result in me getting written up - for "talking back", i guess.

but his idea isn't unusual, is the thing. there's this sense that there's somehow almost an "expendable" child trauma rate. that it weeds out the weak or whatever, which is categorically cruel & dehumanizing. children should be able to mess up and have fun and - again - do stupid shit. they might get hurt, yes. but the job of the adult is to just go help the kid.

i had to quit teaching. i was really, really good at my job - 15 years of practice. but i would wake up at night, coating in sweat. trying to figure out how to bullet-proof my public school classroom with a public school budget.

bad things happen. in every other category: we try to prevent them.

[flower-boi16]

I'm writing a post about Oops and why the episode is a complete disaster on every single level and while I was doing that I realized something;

Anyone who gets upset at Stolas's actions in the show is demonized by the narrative

Stella being upset that Stolas cheated on her? Nah, she was just mad that he slept with an imp. Also, she was an abusive bitch to begin with.

Octavia being upset over Stolas spending more time arguing with Stella and for paying more attention to an imp than her? She should cut him slack, after all, he's trying his best! (even though he isn't but ok).

Blitz hating Stolas for SAing him and how their relationship is only about Stolas wanting to sleep with him? He just hates Stolas for being a prince, oh and Stolas DID do some nice things for Blitz... off-screen...that doesn't automatically make his treatment of Blitz ok but pfft let's just ignore that right?

Every time someone in the show gets upset at Stolas's actions, they are portrayed as in the wrong for feeling that way or in Stella's case just turned into a one-dimensional Saturday morning cartoon villain. Cuz god forbid we hold this stupid owl accountable for ANYTHING right? We need to make him an UwU soft boy who did nothing wrong and everyone who gets upset at him is bad!

.....No. I'm sorry but, no. That's NOT how you make a sympathetic character, you don't demonize every other character to make the other one look more sympathetic and don't coddle that character and absolve them of all of their flaws. Stolas is not sympathetic, no matter how much Viv tries to demonize other characters around Stolas while coddling him, I won't EVER sympathize with this stupid owl. There's nothing about him you can sympathize with, he's just a horny, selfish asshole, and anyone who calls him out for it in some way is demonized by the narrative.

Fucking incredible, what a great and well-written character.

[traumabuddies]

"why are you limping?"

This kinda turned into "2 times Buck's limping because sex with Eddie was too good and 1 time he wishes it was the reason"

"Why are you limping?"

Damn it, Buck thinks, closing his eyes at Bobby's question and begging the heat not to crawl too high up his face. He thought he might have been able to hide it, but clearly the hitch in his step is much too obvious to miss.

Buck is just glad he's early and no one else from A shift is at the station yet, because he would have never heard the end of it.

Definitely would not have been able to fool them all.

"Nothing," he says, washing his hands to join Bobby in making lunch at the counter. They've learned that it's better to cook earlier when they have time and reheat the food later than waste time doing it when they might only have minutes to sit down for lunch.

Bobby gives him a skeptical look. "Are you sure? If you hurt yourself on your last shift, you have to tell me."

"Yeah, cap, I'm sure," Buck says, wracking his brain for an explanation. "I think I have a cramp or something, it'll pass."

"Alright, if you say so. Hand me the knife."

Bobby seems happy to let it go, and Buck thanks whatever higher power is out there as he does what he's told.

He does not want to tell his Captain that his boyfriend fucked him so good last night he can barely walk—no thank you, he'd rather die.

—

Walking from stand to stand at the food market is more fun than Buck remembers being, although it might be because the sun is out without it being so hot that he's gonna get sunburned.

And walking isn't the most comfortable thing to do today, but it's worth going through if it means watching Jee-Yun tug on her dad's hand to get to the strawberries quicker—she's been on a strawberry kick lately, or so her parents have said.

Speaking of which, Maddie waits for Jee and Chim to be further along before stopping him with a hand on his wrist and frowning at him.

"Okay, why are you limping?"

Oh, god, no, not again. It was one thing for Bobby to ask last time, in a professional environment where Buck could guess he wouldn't push.

It's another thing for his sister to notice, because she does like to push when she's concerned, and Buck is also never able to lie to her.

"Well, uh," he says, balancing from one foot to the other. He regrets it immediately, hissing as pain flairs up his ass. The worst aprt is, he likes it. He's going to hell. "It's nothing, I think I, uh—twisted my ankle."

"Your ankle, Buck? Seriously?" she deadpans. "If you'd twisted your ankle, you'd have texted me about it to complaining about how stupid it is."

"No, I wouldn't, because I wouldn't want you fussing."

"But you're admitting that's not what it is?"

Shit. Her cocked eyebrow is incredibly annoying.

He huffs, feels his neck grow uncomfortably hot. "Come on, Maddie, can't you just let it go—"

"Evan," she gasps silently, her eyes going wide with the laughter she lets out a second later. Buck freezes. "I should have figured, the last time I was limping like this was when Chimn and I stayed at this hotel and—"

"Ew, Maddie, gross," Buck says, swatting her hand away.

He likes to hear her laugh, always, but she's being a complete menace right now, which isn't fair. He thought that was his job.

"Fine, fine, but you didn't deny it," she says, grinning up at him.

He rolls his eyes, but he once again finds himself victim to his inability to lie to her. "Yeah, well, maybe you're right, okay? But can we stop talking about it, please?" he begs through gritted teeth.

He's not mad, or annoyed, but honestly? Kind of embarrassed.

But Maddie just lights up even more. "Why, you deserve some good things! I should send a gift basket to whoever treated you so well."

It's his time to grin at her. "Well, you know Eddie's address."

He pats her shoulder, watches in real time as her brain short-circuits with that information, and then walks away to join his niece.

"Wait, Eddie?"

—

The door to his apartment opens and Buck definitely doesn't startle, because he was expecting it.

He just kind of, maybe, forgot that Eddie was coming over this early, and so he jumps where he's sitting on the couch, causing what feels like every muscle in his body to lock up.

"Hey, babe," Eddie says with a blinding smile when he finally comes into view in the kitchen, where he's laying out the take out food he promised he'd come with.

"Hey," Buck says, hissing as he gets up. The pain in his lower back and tail-bone is just as bad as it was thirty minutes ago, shooting up his spine with every step.

He must not be able to hide it, or maybe he's not imagining the faces he's pulling, because Eddie is at his side in a second, concern swimming in his eyes and painting his hovering hands.

"Buck, you okay? Why are you limping?"

Buck can't help the laugh that bubbles out of him, although it's cut short when he takes a last step towards Eddie to kiss his lips with a small peck.

"What's so funny?" Eddie asks, looking at him like he's crazy—he probably is.

"Nothing, it's just that usually when people ask me that it's because you've pounded me into the mattress like you were hoping I wouldn't be able to walk," he says.

He's rewarded with Eddie's rosy cheeks, the ones that only appear when Buck is being overtly flirty or raunchy with his words. He doesn't hdie anymore the way he did at the beginning, but his cheeks? They still flush, and it's always the most enjoyable sight.

And then Eddie frowns, checking Buck over.

"Wait, I know I didn't pound you into anything last night, so unless you got a little crazy with toys, what happened?"

With a grown, Buck lets himself fall into his boyfriend, hiding his face in his neck. "Fell down the stairs," he mumbles, hoping to distract Eddie with a press of his lips.

It doesn't work. Instead, Eddie lets out a soft, sudden laugh, but his hands on his lower back are soothing, like he knows exactly where it hurts. "And how did you manage that?"

"I don't know, I was going a little fast, I guess."

"So you were running. Down the stairs, like a child?"

"Leave me alone, I'm in pain."

"Enough to go to the hospital?"

"No," Buck says quickly, wrapping his arms around Eddie.

Eddie hums. "Well then, I get to scold you for being an idiot."

Every one of Eddie's words is lace with the kind of fondness reserved for him and Christopher, something soft and caring, that says, I'm here for you.

"But I'm your idiot," Buck says.

Eddie sighs, and kisses the crown of his head in the same breath. "Of course you are."

send me prompts!

[downtowncannibal]

My Black Christmas Informational Masterlist(?):

Every now and then I get asked for links or sources to some of the things I post and/or reference. This serves to be easy access to anyone interested in more info regarding the film, Bob Clark, or Billy in general. I'm sure I will expand with more links or info at some point, but here are the basics.

Docs and Commentaries:

Commentary featuring Nick Mancuso reprising his role as Billy. If you're not entirely interested in seeing Billy be represented as something beyond the figure in the movie or are looking to gain more knowledge on the creation of Black Christmas, this probably isn't for you.

Just as the title says, this is a Mini-Documentary that explores Black Christmas, its legacy, and a look into it's production. If your here for more info on Billy I HIGHLY recommend this as Nick has some incredibly interesting insight. Includes Lynne Griffin, John Saxon, along with Carl Zitter. Also includes some older clips of Albert J (Black Christmas's Camera Man), Bob Clark, Olivia Hussey, and Margot Kidder.

Closest thing to an ACTUAL documentary on Black Christmas I've seen. Goes good into detail about the production and creation of Black Christmas going from "The Babysitter" to "Stop Me".

There are a TON more extra's from the special release in 2015. Here is a playlist which compiles all that are publicly available. This does not include Bob Clarks actual commentary, nor Keir and John's. I own those on DVD, and I'll see what I can do about converting them onto my laptop, but I majorly recommend purchasing the 4k re-release from last year if you're looking for them. It's def worth your money and time if you're interested.

Tv Spots, Radio, etc:

Actual Documents:

2nd stage of the Black Christmas screenplays. Tread VERY lightly with this if you are sensitive to topics such as CSA and Child abuse, if you catch my drift. Has some problems with pages being turned upside down, but that's nothing I can fix at the moment.

The novelization based off of the "Stop Me" Screenplay. Questionable canonical status, but that's up to you. As it is based off "Stop Me" I am once again warning you to tread lightly and take care of yourself as the same warnings previous very much apply here.

ETC:

Not sure what to categorize this as, but I frequently see this slip under the radar of many people.

If you're looking at this masterlist because all of a sudden you've gained a fascination with this stupid fucking misogynist like I did, YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS! It is from Billy's POV and it gives a great insight into his mind and uses audio from the film, which if you rewatch the film after listening to this oh my god you will not be able to stop hearing shit. (Such as the fact I did not notice the music and wind in the beginning of the film when Billy enters the attic is literally just a bunch of people whispering his name.) Give it a listen, but again, tread lightly, if you, once again, catch my drift.

[4beomy]

not boyfriend material | c.yj

choosing to live with a complete stranger was...not the smartest thing you've chosen to do. but it's okay! it can't be too bad. well, except it is. it is bad. especially when an argument leads you to stupidly sleep with your roommate! ...is it possible to keep your relationship strictly on the basis of sexual pleasure?! you think it is, because frankly, your roommate isn't what you'd exactly consider ...boyfriend material. Release Date: DEC 19, 2022 [actual date, no changes]

genre:  fluff, comedy, angst, brief sfw smut, enemies to lovers (more dislike than hate..if that makes sense), friends with benefits, slow burn

teaser word count: 0.7k

fic word count:

taglist: open (send in asks or comment)

“Don’t you think that was a bit harsh?”, his voice was low and quiet, seeming like he wasn’t sure of what he was saying. But that only angered you even more. You turn after stopping in your tracks, facing him again. 

“Harsh? Harsh? How was that in any way harsh?”

With your firm tone, his hesitation dissipated. “They’re our guests! And it’s a fucking housewarming party. We were celebrating me moving then you had to go and ruin it—”

You scoff, a mocking, exaggerated smile appearing on your face. “Our guests? I ruined it? How about not being a conceited asshole and think about the people around you for just a second! I came from work exhausted to find the whole place wrecked and you think I’m harsh? I ruined your stupid excuse of a housewarming party? You should've told me first!”, for the second time, you resort to running a hand through your tangled hair, so incredibly pissed to the point frustrated, dried laughs were echoing the room.

He takes his phone out all of a sudden then faces it to you, “Show me where your contact number is on here.”

You can feel your jaw tick, “Wow—just wow. You’re shameless.” and he just scoffs, putting his phone back in his pocket. “See? How was I supposed to tell you if I don’t even have your number?” 

“We live together for fucksakes!”

“Have you ever initiated the fact that you wanted to talk to me? I don’t think we talked once living together for what—like two weeks?”, his eyebrows were furrowed, and now it seemed like he was the one wronged, not you.

“Can you just—can you just shut up?”, all you wanted was those pink, slightly, but perfectly glossy, plump lips to just close shut. Not one more word out of them and you think you’d possibly be the happiest person in the world.

“Oh? Is it because I’m winning right now?”, he taunts.

“God, I never knew someone could be so childish. Win? Win what?!”

He takes a step closer to you, tilting his head, his earrings dangling to the side, “The argument we’re having–”

“Are you not going to say sorry?”, your voice dropped octaves, him being closer making this more of a vulnerable situation.

With the way his lips curled up, shaking his head so subtly no one would notice if they weren’t as close as you were now, you could already predict when he moves his lips to say something, “Nop–” 

With a split second, your anger had already reached its all time peak, and you let everything in you go. Your hands harshly grabbed the sides of his face, crashing your lips onto him. Shut up. Just shut up.

There wasn’t even a second of hesitation on his end, he immediately reciprocated the kiss, melting at the way it was so angry.

But it didn’t last long because you pulled away the moment you realized what you were doing. Your hands were still on his face, your eyes wide looking at his now redder lips. He tries to lean in again but you already backed away from him, Yeonjun's confusion overtaking any memory of the fact that he was just arguing with you a few seconds ago.

“Fuck—fuck, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what–” You stop at seeing the expression on his face – it was so…’why the fuck did you stop’ ...if that even made sense. And your response was silence...well not...only silence. Your eyes were doing most of the talking, shamefully wandering to his lips again.

When he stepped closer, you tried backing up – but you couldn’t – you wouldn't. You were frozen. It was like you physically wanted to feel his lips on you again, like your brain was fighting with the control your heart irrationally had on your body.

A smirk appeared on his face like he just got the best idea ever. “I’m not going to say sorry” you furrow your eyebrows, confused. He continues, “Because you act like this is your place. I have every right to throw a party without your stupid ‘permission’. I pay to stay here too–” With every word, they became more like venom to you, with the way he'd get louder and all of a sudden, the subtle height difference becoming incomprehensibly large, and most importantly, what he was saying, what he was implying. You have no control of your own home.

Needless to say, any sort of apologetics drowned. You were back to square one, anger.

Your bag slipped from your shoulder, the drop on the floor echoing in the room.

Oh he was smart. 

You don’t know how you ended up being pressed against the outside walls of your room, eyes squeezed shut as his teeth harshly nibbled on your neck, your breathe hitching once too many times, but you don’t care. You’d guessed it was because of your irrational decision making skills but so what. So what if you gravely regret doing this as soon as you wake up tomorrow?

a/n: this fic is not smut centered because it was originally purely angsty fluff but then i thought it could fit? and i find writing a fwb relationship so fun...so!! a lot (all) of the smut leans more towards the suggestive side/vanilla but i did make sure to include lots of sexual tension if anyone finds this through the smut tags.. T-T a lot of this fic is under constant reconstruction and editing/changes being made, so i'm not even sure if this exact excerpt would make it through the final cut (which is stupid for me to do but i couldnt wait to post this draft anymore..T-T) also, this specific part isn't a representative of how the rest of the fic would go, most of it again, would be fluff, and stupid comedy (that i very much laugh at with no shame).

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest - Vol 18

Hi friends!! I have 19 absolutely fantastic fics for you this week.

There are so fucking many incredible fics coming out every day in this fandom and I cannot possibly keep up with them all. I am in constant awe of the Pedro fandom and the gorgeous work that comes out of it at a frankly alarming rate.

If you if you're tagging me in stuff and I'm not interacting with it, just know it's on my list and I'll get there eventually <3

As always you can peruse my Spreadsheet here and you can find all my previous fic rec lists here.

Recs below the absolutely stunning photo of our collective husband

a lover's pinch - a joel series by @hier--soir

I love a fuck first, feelings later situation. I love it even more when you have a super fucking hot bathroom fuck with an older man and he ends up being your PROFESSOR!!! God this was fantastic. I really love the way they can't stay away from each other. That one thing that happens in part two, you know the one, had me barking like a rabid dog. This is hot. And it's beautifully written. I'm excited for the feelings to come in.

Mr. Miller - a joel series by @tremendum

I read the first installment of this fic a while ago, I'm assuming before I made the spreadsheet because it wasn't on here. Picked it back up this week and oh my god. Joel is mean, emotionally constipated, a little stupid. Reader is also mean, emotionally constipated, and a little stupid. The way these two crash into each other, a little violent, a lot desperate... it's gorgeous and devastating. I could read about these two forever

Revenge - a Dave York one shot by @toomanystoriessolittletime

Forced cucking is hot idgaf. In this one, your husband is a blatant and unrepentant cheater and his boss helps you get back at him. Dave is sexy and menacing in this. There's subtle hints to his darker side, but it's never directed at you. He takes care of you in a way your husband never has and makes your husband watch the whole thing -- without anything more than his words btw. Husband isn't tied down, he's just terrified.

I know it when I see it - a Joel series by @bageldaddy

Pornstar!joel, pornstar!reader, set in the 70s (? nixon?) the fucking golden age of porn. This isn't your usual "aspiring porn actress fucks big bad joel miller and gets hooked" fic, even though it is that kind of fic. It's a really fresh take, with some really fucking good emotional dynamics and shit going on. The smut is filthy, dirty, gorgeous, delicious, perfect -- but the emotional grit in there with it? The struggles that both reader and Joel are experiencing and the way they're navigating (or failing to navigate) them? Stunning. I'm so invested in this series

Yes, Chef - a Joel series by @sempersirens

Mean.... secretly soft.... Joel. I love this! It's a Chef!Joel AU and the reader is a chef in his kitchen. They start secretly hooking up. I love the way this is written so much??? The angst is so good also. I cannot wait to read more of this.

The Layover - a Frankie series by @goodwithcheese

This fic, man. God damn. Reader kept pissing me off (this is a compliment, btw, i love it when reader makes me feel things) because of all her hang ups with Frankie. Frankie is so perfect. He's soft, caring, sweet. He's worked on his trauma and come such a long way and he's such a good dad. Reader is a wonderful mom and I see where she's coming from with all of her decisions even if they make me SCREAM. And the reason it makes me scream when she pushes Frankie away is because when they meet in the middle? When they get all tangled up in each other after days or weeks of staying away? It's stunning, mind blowing, earth shattering. I don't know how anyone could resist

The House - a Jack series by @gemmahale

Okay I kinda fucked up and only read the first chapter of this series because I have ADHD and I had to go do something and then I never went back. BUT seeing it on my list just reminded me how fucking excited I am to read this. The first chapter sets up such a good story. I love the suspense... Why does statesman give a fuck about her dad's land? How does she know Jack? How well does she know Jack? AHHHH what is going ON???? I'm immediately reading more of this after posting the digest bc oh my god???

Common Grounds - a Marcus Pike series by @whataperfectwasteoftime

I am, as usual, absolutely in love with the way Penny writes Marcus. I love love love reader's backstory and that she's an artist. I loved her kind of pining for him while he waited for Teresa and I adored everything after she dumps him. I just... AH. And like... in this one... he has this darker undertone? Some of that inner turmoil jumping out maybe idk, but it made the smut gorgeous. I was in awe, for real. He's so gentle and sweet with reader in the coffee shop and on their dates and stuff and then he just kind of snaps, but even then there's like a feeling that he's restraining himself? It's unbelievably hot. No one does Dom Marcus quite like Penny... got me fuckin droolin got DAMN

Friendly Competition - a TF boys (no Tom, and mostly Frankie) one shot by @absurdthirst

This was so hot. Literally reader just gets blindfolded and dicked down by all the boys and Frankie is a sex god. Perfect. And there's some really cute feelings in there too. There's more installments to this as well and they are just as fucking lovely. I loved the plot twist in the second one -- was not expecting that. God absurdthirst really is out here writing down all my fantasies....

Go ahead and cry little girl - aJack one shot by @xdaddysprincessxx

Okay obviously I love this because Reader is called Agent Gin... but also reader does a little sex work on the side and she accidentally sends a lil somethin somethin to Jack and he goes all Daddy on her and it is SO FuCKING HoT OH MY GOd

Eat - a Joel one shot by @notjustjavierpena

Men suck, usually, and won't put in the effort to make you cum with their mouth. And this is why reader doesn't really ever ask for it or even want it.. it's a waste of time. Oh but our lovely dbf!Joel proves her so very wrong in this fic. Joel is so soft and sweet and sexy in this UGH

The right wrong number - a Joel one shot by @proxima-writes

I read more than one wrong number fic this week lol. Anyway this was SO hot. Joel is a dirty talking god in this. and then the like slow build up with the soccer coach? The way they are so totally dancing around flirting with each other and Sarah is egging it on and then by pure chance they find out.... HE was the dirty talking dom with the gorgeous cock? Excellent. This is so good UGH. I want a part two in that sex club.

Gotta Start With a Good Foundation - a Joel one shot by @bonezone44

This is a part of a series called Sacred Spaces where Reader and Joel talk to each other, no actual smut, and.... just give it a read. I love these so much. This one is kind of a dom/sub relationship negotiation thing and it's gorgeous

In Every Lifetime - an Ezra series by @xdaddysprincessxx

Witch!Reader and Demon!Ezra!!!! I love this. I love the setting. The mysterious spell book. The ritual. I'm so excited to see where this goes. Demon Ezra is sexy omg

Late Night Texts - a Javi P series by @undercoverpena

SOFT JAVI ALERT!!!! Set after the events of season 3, Javi is back in Laredo and he's lonely. Then he gets a text from a wrong number and subsequently racks up the biggest phone bill the year 2000 has ever seen. This fic is soft and sweet and flirty and adorable with a touch of angst (long distance things). The smut is sequestered in bonus scenes if you want to skip it, but it's so worth reading. It's so good. I love this fic AHHHH

Bad Idea, Right - a Dieter one shot by @proxima-writes

Yes, hooking up with your ex is usually a bad idea. Especially when it's Dieter Bravo. But I sure as shit wouldn't say no. Guys.... Proxima made the motherfucker CRAWL. If my ex dieter is crawling across the floor to eat me out... who am i to say no. Seems like a great idea actually. Also they're both still clearly down bad for each other and we love that.

Hard Work Gets Rewarded - a Joel and his crew one shot by @walkintotheriveranddisappear

This is like... if you looked at my search history -- if I had one ;) -- you would find this. Straight out of my depraved fantasies you've got contractor!Joel and his very sexy crew giving you the fuck of a lifetime. We got a little breeding kink, a little DVP, a little cum on every part of your body, situation. This is... so hot.

like rabbits blinded by the light - a Joel one shot by @walkintotheriveranddisappear

Yeah so I read a depraved smut fantasy and then jumped on over to this. This is stunning, emotional. it has depth. I love the way Joel finds her and I love the way they stick together and I love the ending. This is sad and sweet, a little painful, very human. I loved it

the world tipped on its side - a Frankie series by @idolatrybarbie

Chronic pain havers -- you will love this one!! Reader has chronic pain from an injury. I'm two chapters in and I'm hooked. There's a lot of trauma and fucked up shit swirling around in both reader and Frankie's heads and it's just under the surface as of chapter two. I love the set up here -- stunt coordinator!reader and stunt pilot!Frankie -- it's really interesting and not something I've read before. (i think i did read a stunt pilot!Frankie / actor!reader / actor!Dieter thing once though lemme know if y'all want that link). Bea writes beautifully and I'm so excited for more of this series.

---------------------- oldies but goodies -------------------------

Wanna bet?, Lingerie, Morning, Afternoon, and Evening - Dieter one shots by @write-and-buried

I'm being so for real right now Every Single Fic by @prolix-yuy - I have almost her entire masterlist on my spreadsheet and this seemed easier than linking them all.

And the same for like everything by @ezrasbirdie, I have so many of their fics on my list.

---------------- my fics --------------------

My most recent fic is This Night Has Opened My Eyes - a Javi P one shot.

--- I have written for Joel, Frankie, Ezra, Javi P, Mr. Ben, Veracruz, Max Phillips, and my darling boy Dieter, you can find those here

-----------------------------------------------

Happy Reading!

[ashwhowrites]

(Waiting patiently on the edge of my seat for the groupie pt 3♥️) Can I request a smutty/angst Eddie x reader where Eddie and reader have been seeing each other behind reader’s boyfriend’s back. Eddie finds out her boyfriend mistreats her and wants her to leave him but she’s scared of what might happen. Angst prompts 10 & 34 pleeeeaaaase

Definitely. I love pain :)

Groupie part 3 will be a bit longer so keep waiting!!

⚠️it's gonna hurt, abuse is mentioned

Smut 18+

“Tell me you don’t want to leave. Say I’m enough to make you stay. I know it’s not true, but please just say it.”

“You could’ve left! You could’ve run away with me!”

She never should have allowed herself to fall in love with Eddie. She knew it could only end badly for everyone involved. But it mostly ends badly for her.

When she first met Eddie it was actually through her boyfriend. Apparently they worked together at the mechanic shop. She was bringing lunch to her boyfriend when she met a new face.

"Eddie Munson." He smiled sticking his hand out for her to shake.

She was caught off by the fire that burned when their palms met.

"Y/F/N" with a smile of her own.

~~

When she went home that day that smile of his wouldn't leave her head. She thought of his eyes and hair.

She brought her boyfriend lunch every day, slight excitement building in her when she would leave the house. Excited to see Eddie again.

~~

One day her boyfriend was sick, but Y/N still made lunch and brought it to the shop, this time for the boy who's been stuck in her mind.

"Y/N? Vince isn't here today." Eddie said as he sat at the front desk.

"I know but you are." She smiled as she handed the bag over to him, watching a smile light up his face.

"you brought me lunch?" He asked, a slight blush covering his cheeks.

"of course. I figured it's unfair to always bring it in for Vince and never for you." She smiled brightly.

"well thank you very much."

~~

After that she slowly found herself wanting to be closer to him. Secretly liking when Vince couldn't make it to work, allowing her and Eddie to talk alone.

She was learning more about him over every lunch. It might have been stupid, but she gave him her number. Letting him know she won't take it personally if he doesn't text.

But he did

And they haven't stopped texting since.

~~

And that's when she felt herself catching feelings for him. She knew she wasn't supposed to like him but she did.

~~

He knew it was dumb, and that he should have never asked but he still did it.

"want to maybe grab some dinner? My treat for all the lunches you bring me ;) "

Maybe he should have deleted the wink before he sent it. He shouldn't be asking out a coworkers girlfriend to dinner.

"as in a date? ;)"

The reply caught him off guard. It definitely shouldn't have been a date, but the wink had him rethinking that.

"if you want it to be"

~~

They met at a bar, sharing appetizers and pitchers of beer.

Getting more drunk as the night went on.

"you are so incredibly gorgeous, do you know that?" He whispered as his hand landed on her knee.

Against her better judgement she leaned into his touch. Resting her own hand on top of his.

"thank you Eddie." She whispered just as quietly, blushing underneath his stare.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or the look in his eyes but she found herself leaning towards him further. Lips seconds away from tasting his. She was just one small movement away, eyes closed preparing to feel his lips, but then she didn't. She snapped her open to see Eddie pulling away

"shit no. We can't." He said

Embarrassment filled her, rejection sobering her up quick

"oh God. I'm so sorry. That was so stupid" She squeaked out as she gathered all her things

"wait no, just wait." Eddie tried but she was running out the door.

He tried to catch her, hot on her heels but she got into a cab and was gone.

"fuck" he sighed as he kicked the nearest wall.

~~

She never texted him back, too embarrassed. She went home and sobered up with shame in her bones. She tried to kiss her boyfriend's coworker. She made it a date. When in the hell was wrong with her?

~~

He sent countless texts to her phone

"can we talk?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you run off"

"look please talk to me"

"I wanted to kiss you too"

She looked at the last text multiple times. But it was wrong. It was wrong for how it made her heart race and face flushed.

She quickly deleted the text.

Refusing to see Vince for the last few days. Guilt eating her alive.

~~

She hasn't returned to the shop with lunch in a week. Still embarrassed to show her face to Eddie.

But when Vince called asking for his medicine, she knew she had to bring it. She stopped at his house and grabbed the bottle.

Nervously she drove the whole way to the shop. Praying to any God that was listening for Eddie to not be there.

She tapped the smell bell at the front and waited on her heels. Relief filling her bones when Vince popped out.

"hey baby." He said and kissed her cheek. She tried not to flinch at his rough grip on her waist.

~~

Apparently she wasn't successful because Eddie noticed it when he walked past the front. Eyes watching her closely as she tried to lean away from Vince's touch, hurriedly running out the door.

~~

Y/N was successful in avoiding Eddie. It's been two weeks since he rejected her at the bar. And two weeks since she deleted his texts.

She slowly got back into the routine of things with Vince, trying not to be so suspicious of her behavior.

But apparently her luck had a time limit.

Because as she sat at the table in the restaurant, wearing her sexiest dress, she did expect Eddie Munson in a tux to sit across from her.

~~

Eddie wanted to bang his head into a wall. Hearing Vince bragged about the reservation he got at the fanciest restaurant in town. Eddie felt jealous knowing he was taking Y/N there on a date.

A date he shouldn't even be jealous of, because he was not supposed to like her.

Then Eddie felt anger filling his veins as he watched Vince flirt with a girl at the front desk. The clock was ticking, he was meant to be at that restaurant 30 minutes ago.

"Vince I'll take it from here. Go leave for your date." Eddie tried to help but Vince scoffed and waved him off.

Lying about not knowing anything about a date as he winked towards the girl.

Eddie couldn't believe his eyes.

Eddie had two choices: beat Vince's ass or go to the restaurant.

Eddie picked her

~~

"is this seat taken?" He smiled as she looked up. Shock taking over her features.

She smiled and welcomed him to sit.

Eddie tried not to stare at how amazing she looked in her black tight dress. Licking his lips as he scanned her head to toe as he sat.

She noticed him staring and blushing. Slightly pushing her arms under her boobs to push them up a tad bit further. His eyes catching the action.

"he's standing me up right?" She sighed. Eddie hated the way her eyes went down to her drink, playing with the straw wrapper.

"caught up at work." He slightly lied but she wasn't dumb.

"Let me guess, a blonde with huge tits showed up?" She laughed, even though nothing about it was funny.

Eddie's silence was all she needed to know she was right.

It hurt Eddie to know she knew exactly what Vince was doing before she was even told.

"does he do this a lot?" He asked quietly, hand reaching for hers. Her eyes snapped to his hand that was burning her skin.

"I don't feel like lying tonight, Eddie." She sighed, starting to stand up.

"now where are you going?" Eddie asked as he gripped her hand harder. She looked at him confused.

"home?"

"no uh babe. I took this tux out of the back of my closet, it's getting a good use tonight so sit your lovely ass down and let's eat."

Another moment she should have said no and walked away.

But she sat down, a smile on her face.

~~

"This is me." She sighed out as Eddie walked her up to the front door of her house.

"um Eddie I just wanted to say I'm sorry for trying to kiss you that other night. And thank you for making me not feel like a total loser tonight." She laughed, looking at her high heels.

Eddie shoved his hands in his pockets.

"one- don't apologize for the kiss. I was sending signals for it. And you deserve someone who shows up for you. Especially in a dress like that." He whistled as she blushed to the floor.

"this is probably stupid, but do you want to come in?" She asked

"this is probably even more stupid, but yes I would."

~~

Now they sat close on her couch. His arm was thrown over the back of her couch, legs spread wide.

She sat tucked into his side with a glass of wine in her hand. Trying to avert her eyes away from his thick thighs

She wanted it and he wanted it.

Vince didn't appreciate her but Eddie knew he could.

So he thought fuck it.

"If you tried to kiss me again, I wouldn't move away this time." He whispered as he turned his head, staring right into her eyes.

He could see the desire and lust swimming around. Just seconds of overflowing.

She wanted it and he wanted it.

Vince didn't appreciate her but she knew Eddie could.

So she thought fuck it.

She slammed her wine on the table and climbed on his spread legs. Straddling his lap as she smashed her lips onto his.

He moaned at her taste and placed his large hands on her back. Smashing her into him further. He pinched her ass and used the surprise to slip his tongue into her mouth.

His tongue was so warm and wet. Massaging against hers in ways she's never felt. Her brain was telling her it was all wrong. But her body was already grinding on him. Her body was moaning as she felt him grow hard underneath her.

Eddie pulled away breathless, smiling at her smudged red lipstick.

"you're so fucking hot." He moaned as his lips attached themselves to her neck

"Eddie." She moaned as she pulled away.

She stared at him for a few seconds. Debating if she was really going to do this. She was going to destroy a relationship, become a cheater.

But looking at his lips smeared with her lipstick, his eyes were huge and dark. Hair messed up from her fingers. The way he looked already fucked out had her thighs clenching

Fuck it- she's a cheater

"fuck me Eddie" she whined, standing up and unzipping her dress.

Eddie sucked on his bottom lip as she stripped in front of him. Her hands teased her skin as she trailed her fingertips around her breasts.

He palmed himself over his dress pants. Groaning at the small relief he felt as he watched her slowly unclip her bra. Next removing her underwear.

She stood naked in front of him

Eddie scooted to the edge of the couch, face to face with her lower stomach. He kissed her naked skin.

Lifting a leg over his shoulder, now face to face with her wet cunt.

"so gorgeous baby." He moaned as he slowly rubbed her outer lips, teasing her.

She whined as she dug her hands into his curls. She felt so vulnerable being naked in front of him while he was still dressed in a suit. It made her drip.

Eddie kissed the skin on her thighs that laid next to his head.

"eds please." She begged, rocking her hips closer to his face.

He nodded and licked a stripe from her hole all the way to her clit. She shuddered at the action, scrunching his hair tightly. He barely touched her and she felt like she needed to come undone.

He kitten licked her clit, small circles with his tongue before shoving his tongue into her hole.

"oh yes." She whined, feeling his tongue inside of her. She was trying to hold on to Eddie tight to not fall over.

Eddie replaced his tongue with his fingers. Shoving two deep into her cunt, scissoring in and out. All while keeping his mouth on her clit.

The louder she moaned the harder he went with his fingers. He was fingering her as fast as he could.

His own hips rocked into the air as he felt how wet she was. His fingers covered in her. The sounds of her wet pussy taking in his fingers had him leaking in his boxers.

When he snuck in a third finger she was seconds away from screaming. Her knee buckling as she tried to stay up. Eddie placed his free hand on her hip, trying to stabilize her.

He removed his mouth from her cunt

"you look so gorgeous like this baby." He meant it too. He's never felt his cock this hard in his life. Watching her body thrash in place, stomach huffing up and down. Her tits moving slightly when she'd rock her hips into his fingers.

"please eat me out Eddie. Eat my pussy."

He growled at her words. Diving back into her cunt. Sucking and licking everywhere. Making it as wet and loud as he could.

His fingers curving up to hit her spongy spot that had her thighs shaking.

"IM GONNA CUM!" she screamed. Eddie used his nose to nod on her clit. Returning to eating her out like he was starved. Refusing to come up for air until she finished.

She came with a silent scream, hips rocking into his face as she yanked his head closer. His head burned but he didn't care. Eyes looking up at her as she orgasmed. He moaned pathetically at how beautiful she looked, hips humping the air.

He cleaned her up, using his tongue to shove some of her cum back in her.

"Jesus fuck." She gasped out. Planting both feet on the ground but placing her hands on Eddie's shoulders to steady herself.

She smiled down at him. His hair was even more fucked up and his mouth was soaked in her.

"that was the hottest thing I've ever seen." Eddie laughed as he slapped her ass. Her moan cut off her laugh.

"I need to fuck you baby." He said as he worked to undo his belt but her hand stopped him.

"fuck me in my bed please?" She asked as she held out her hand.

Eddie smiled and threw her over his shoulder, she screamed in surprise.

"lead me the way." He declared as he raced through the house.

~~

After that she couldn't ignore his texts.

Especially the texts that had her sneaking a hand in her panties.

Or the texts that made her giggle.

Or the texts that made her heart beam with love.

~~

Eddie couldn't get her out of his head. They've been sneaking around for two months now and he couldn't get enough.

But he wanted more. He wanted Y/N to himself.

"Eddie, boys are going to the bar want to come?" Vince asked as he cleaned off his hands.

"no. I've got plans." Eddie answered as he threw on his jacket heading to his car

"a hot date?" Vince teased

"something like that"

~~

Eddie parked down the block from her house before running to the door. Knocking impatiently. The second she opened the door he was on her. Kicking the door closed behind him as he smashed his lips on her.

"I've been thinking about you all day." She moaned as her hands ripped off his grease stained shirt

"like what baby?" He gasped out as her fingers teased the top of his boxers.

"how bad I want that cock in my throat." She got on her knees and tugged down his pants and boxers.

Biting her lip at the sight of his hard and red cock.

She wasted no time and sucked him slowly. Taking him in a bit at a time.

"take all of it. I know you can." He grunted through his teeth, trying his best not to force her down his cock.

She ended up gagging and choking on it anyways

~~

Once they hit the third month, Eddie wanted her only or to be out.

His heart couldn't take it when he'd see them together.

He hated when she'd talk on the phone while Eddie sat next to her.

He knew he was signing up for this but it was starting to hurt too much.

~~

So he stopped it.

"I can't do this anymore. I need you to leave him. Be with me. I know you are happier with me." He pleaded

"Eddie I can't. You don't understand what he would do if he found out." She tried to explain

"no you always say that and I just shut up but I can't anymore. I love you and I know you love me too. So be with me. We will figure it out together."

"Eddie stop! If he found out he'd try to kill you, actually kill you. I can't let him hurt you." She tried to reason with him. Keeping Eddie safe was the only thing she could do.

"But we can run away! He will never find us."

"yes he will Eddie. He has found me before! He beat me badly last time. We can't do this."

"can't or you just won't?" He snapped

"Eddie it's not like that. If I could you know I would" she cried. Tears now flew down her face faster than she could catch them. She reached for his hand but he yanked it away from her.

"then we are over." He said as he stood up, walking to her door.

"EDDIE NO DON'T DO THIS." she screamed running after him. Standing in front of her door.

"Y/N move , You could’ve left! You could’ve run away with me! You are doing this to yourself." He demanded. Holding in his own tears.

“Tell me you don’t want to leave. Say I’m enough to make you stay. I know it’s not true, but please just say it.” she begged, dropping to her knees

"I don't feel like lying tonight, Y/N."

She felt like she was choking on her own tears. No air was making it to her lungs. She silently watched as he opened the door and walked out. Never once looking behind him.

~~

Eddie hasn't seen her in three weeks.

Three horrible weeks and he barely felt like he was holding on. She called every day many times but he never picked up. Last night she called for the last time.

When he finally returned to work he noticed Vince was more pissed off than usual.

But Eddie ignored him.

He noticed that Y/N left a message with her latest call, something she hadn't done. He headed outside and listened to it closely.

Hey Eddie,

I finally did it! I left him. I tried to call you to tell you but you obviously don't want to talk to me. Which is fine, I totally get it. I haven't left too far yet, a part of me is still holding on to you, on to the thought of us. I keep calling because I want to ask you to come with me, super hypocritical of me I know. Asking you to leave with me when I couldn't even do it. I'm leaving for California today. I'm not sure why I'm still calling. I think you not answering my past ten calls should be a sign. I'm sorry Eddie. I really am. I was so scared of what he could do to me or to you. I tried to leave him before, the night we first kissed I told him. He beat me for hours and threatened to kill you if I ever left. I promise I just wanted to keep you safe. If I could have left with you the first time I saw you, I would have. But thank you. You reminded me what it was like to fall in love. To feel loved and desired. That's something he could never take anyway from me. I love you Eddie Munson, goodbye."

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @slightlyvicked

[supeson]

je ne sais quoi

hey guys, girls, and gays. thanks.

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine , part ten, part eleven, part twelve, part thirteen, part fourteen , part fifteen, part sixteen, part seventeen, part eighteen, part nineteen

"Fuckin' stupid, putting it this high up, this is an accident waiting to happen," You mutter under your breath, fingers just grazing the bag of cat food on the top shelf. You step up on your tip toes, the shelf gets no closer. Stepping up onto the shelf helps, giving you another 3 inches, and you grab a corner of the bag, letting out a triumphant noise.

"Gotcha!" 3 inches too many, it seems, as it all gives way and you crash back to the floor, eighteen pound bag of cat food clutched tightly to your chest. You're staring into the fluorescent lights when a sharply manicured hand pops into view.

"Need a hand? I saw your valiant struggle against that dastardly-placed food."

You lift your head and look up. An extremely attractive woman with looks down at you and smiles, her brown eyes crinkling at the corners. You shift the food to the floor beside you and take her hand. "Uh yea, thanks. God, that's embarrassing that you saw that. I would've preferred to have been crushed under the food, actually."

She laughs. She laughs? Your brain short-circuits. "Well, you recover nicely, I'll give you that. What's the name that would've been on the obituary?" You giver her your name as you stare at her with wide eyes. Damn, she's good. She nods as though thinking about it. "Selina Kyle. And here, if you ever find yourself trapped under some cat food, and you can move your arms, give a ring, and I'll come over to dig you out. And hey, if you're not too beat-up after that, maybe we could grab dinner."

She hands you a slip of paper with her name and phone number, gives you a wink, and waltzes down the aisle. You stand there for three uninterrupted minutes before you haul the bag of food off of the floor and start calling Alfred's name.

*

"-and then she gave me her number, unprompted, isn't that fucking crazy?" you ask, shoving the piece of paper in Bruce's face. You'd put away your pet store findings once you'd gotten home and had gone to find him, finding all of this very funny, if baffling. You'd found him reading in the library, book now closed on the arm of his chair.

Bruce takes it, and turns it over carefully. You immediately backpedal. "I mean, I wasn't gonna call her, obviously, what we have is too important to me, and it's going so well, but this has never happened to me before, and I-"

"Selina Kyle is one if my exes. And she knows I'm Batman."

You deflate. "Oh."

Bruce catches the spiral you're going on. "That's not to say she didn't truly find you attractive, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that it brings up memories for me. Particularly painful ones. Selina and I, we have an incredibly complicated history, one that almost ended in marriage, if only-"

You kneel in front of him and cup his face with your hands. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Or, even if you want to, but can't right now. I'm in it for the long haul, remember?"

Bruce simply nods and rubs your hand with his own, pressing a kiss to your palm. "Another time, then."

*

Batman stands on a ledge, surveying the city. The night is quiet, surprisingly, given how warm the weather's been. So quiet, that she couldn't hide the taps of her heels if she wanted to.

"Going silent for a bit," Bruce says into his ear piece, then switches it off and turns around. "What do you want, Selina?"

"Oh, can't a girl just enjoy a night out on the town, Batman? Not all of us have such fulfilling careers," she replies, slinking into view from around the door to the roof. "Or relationships, for that matter."

"Did you know from the beginning?" His eye twitches underneath the mask.

"Honest to god, I didn't. I genuinely thought I was just playing the field, until I saw Alfred as I was leaving. That and Harley showed me some tabloids that weren't afraid of getting sued. I gotta say, this is pretty underwhelming, for you. Not a cape, not a villain, hell, not even somebody remotely famous. I'm impressed, I-"

"Don't talk about them like that. This is different. This is-" His hands are tightening under the cape. A master of his own mind and emotions it seems, until it comes to you.

Selina holds up her hands in surrender and smiles coyly. "Relax, B. I'm just here to tell you I'm not stepping into your territory. I'm not stupid enough to try and take something that's yours again." She pulls out a grappling gun and shoots it off into the night. "Just let me know when you're done, 'kay? I wanna take a turn."

She's gone before Bruce can formulate a reply. He switches his comm back on, and starts making plans.

*

You've been out at the pool entirely too long, Bruce thinks. Like a cat laying in their favorite window, as soon as it had become warm enough, you were out in the gardens, at the pool. You always told him that given the opportunity, you would stay out there all day, but he hadn't quite believed it until it became an inconvenience to his plans. You've been out there for seven hours now, and likely for longer, now that Dick, Steph, Duke, and Jason have joined you.

"Sir, if I may suggest going to them, instead of waiting for them to come to you?" Alfred asks, hands perfectly poised behind his back.

Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose. "Thank you, Alfred."

He simply nods. "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Depends on how this goes. I'll let you know."

"Quite good, sir."

Bruce makes his way down to the pool, and walks up just in time to see you break the surface in the deep end, much like a polar bear in their enclosure at the zoo. Jason, Steph, Duke, and Dick have a volleyball game going in the shallow end, while Titus lays in the pavement and watches. His heart clenches when you catch his eye.

"Babe, hey! Are you finally gonna join us? The water's great! Steph says it's too cold, but here she is, right? Of course, Tim told us to drop dead when we invited him, but I think that's just because he's too skinny to appreciate how refreshing this cool water is." You swim up to the edge, smiling wide. His other children snicker.

Bruce kneels down by the edge. "Actually, I came to ask you something, would you mind coming up for a second?"

You note the way his smile falters for a millisecond, and how he tightens his hands. He's nervous. Anything that can make the Bat nervous warrants your full attention, you suppose. "Oh, uh, sure, one sec."

You climb up out of the water, and Bruce thinks you look radiant with the late afternoon sun behind you. You join him on the lounge chairs, toweling yourself off carefully. Bruce has never felt anxious until this moment right here. "Okay, big man, shoot."

Bruce clears his throat. "Right. Yes. So, I've been thinking. About our relationship, specifically, and how much it has changed me. Changed us, for the better. I never thought that something like this, given my line of work, would ever be possible, but you seem to have proven me wrong, and gone against every calculation I could have had for our relationship to play out. And it has been the greatest thing to behold, really. I want to deepen our commitment. I want us to commit to each other, despite our problems." Bruce pulls a small box out of his pocket, and flips it open. Sitting in the center are two rings, both with a silver band, but one with a ring of some crushed blue stone inlaid, and another with your favorite color instead of blue. He says your name like it's the first time he's ever said it before. "I love you, will you marry me?"

You immediately stand up, going, "Are you fucking sure?"

His children stare at him in shock, while Alfred simply walks down the pathway, champagne and sparkling grape juice in hand. Bruce's eyebrows start to draw in, and you speak quickly. "Shut up, shut up! I know you're sure, I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that, yes! I meant to say yes, sure, whatever! I just, I don't, I've never-"

Bruce shoots up and kisses you. There are stars behind your eyes as you comprehend what's just happened to you, what's going to happen to you, and all you can think about is that you're soaking the front of his shirt right now. Bruce must not realize he's losing himself a little bit, because just as he swipes his tongue across your bottom lip, Dick whistles. The two of you spring apart, Bruce combing a hand through his hair in embarrassment, and you burying your face in your towel. Alfred is already passing flutes of champagne around, and Tim and Damian are tearing down the pathway.

"Father, how could you!" "Bruce, holy fuck!"

Bruce just smiles wider than you've ever seen in your life as he pries your left hand away from the towel, and slips the blue ring onto your finger. Looks just like his eyes, you think as you stare in awe.

The sun starts to dip beneath the horizon as you kiss him again, then slip his ring onto his hand. The thought of announcing it to the press, and having to go out into public with him officially makes you nauseous, but that's a freakout for another time. For now, you kiss your fiancé, then throw down to towel and jump back into the pool to cool your heated face. Everybody yells their indignation, but you just hug yourself at the bottom of the pool, incredulous.

[seakicker]

hi. please excuse me.if this is absolutely batshit but im penis delirious at 2:26am rn. also this is based off christian/catholic practices bc im traumatized but horny ...SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DIDNT EXPCT THIS (tags: church/cult mentions, a lot of praise, lots of creampies)

im imagining priest!childe doing his whole sermon with his cult of followers. maybe zhongli attends bc he's curious abt the whole commotion his friend was making abt "how great it is to be a god" which ... lmao

theres not much special abt childe's cult. typical propaganda, fear mongering, and ego-stroking — the usual. but when he breaks the bread and says to "take this, all of you, and eat of it," zhongli cant believe what he sees.

you, a sacrifice. clearly inexperienced, very cute. laid out on the pedestal and being absolutely ruined by childe. singing to the high heavens and praising the tsaritsa — praising childe as your god. he's nothing but an attentive lover, giving such a sweet little thing kisses and soft praises.

it isn't long until the pleasure is too much for him, and he forces his hips to go as deep as he can go. not long either until the rest of the servers come to take their fill as well. as soon as childe gave his permission, you're overwhelmed by all the hands grabbing at every part of your body. they all give you the same tender and loving attention. whispers of how good you're being and how good you feel; it's all that can be heard among the wet, fervent slapping of skin against skin.

as all the churchgoers come together to partake in your body, childe strolls over to his friend, still sitting in the same corner. "what's the matter? you never been to a sermon like this before?" it takes zhongli a lot of willpower to break his sight away from you, begging and moaning so beautifully. taking so much and thanking them too, fuck you're so— he shakes his head. "no, i can't say i have."

the ginger pushes him forward, saying something vague about "keeping up the tradition!" so zhongli has no choice but to step up, now that so many eyes were drawn to him because of childe's loud mouth. but as he steps up to the pedestal, and he's welcomed by you, smiling and reaching your arms out to him in an embrace — still looking divine even when you're fucked stupid — he slowly comes to understand.

as he pushes into you and hears you croon just for him, moan his name in that voice, wrap your arms around him like he's the only one that matters to you — oh celestia guide him.

with each second he spends with you, and each load he forces deep inside you, he feels himself grow more and more greedy. it's now that he understands, maybe childe was right.

it feels great to be a god.

this was absolutely INCREDIBLE from start to finish and really stroked my cult kink LOL i love the idea of sex cults and i love gangbangs. lord

afab + gn reader, religious/cultish themes, group sex/exhibitionism, childe is delusional of course, and moral degradation on zhongli's part below!

i like to imagine that childe doesn't even view himself as a cult leader nor his followers as members of a cult. cult has such a... harsh connotation, he says. it's such a dirty term used primarily to insist that a group is irrational, unreasonable, or otherwise out-of-touch with norms and reality— he explains that cults are groups where followers are robbed of their individual agency and autonomy, and childe encourages nothing but free decision-making and public discourse here. in his mind, this is what religion should be— a joint, equally-profitable give-and-take between sacrifice and slayer; he explains to zhongli that this is what you chose for yourself! you're a willing participant, not a terrified, trembling, horrified little lamb he kidnapped from somewhere and forced this life upon. this isn't cult activity; cult activity is inherently a violation of individual freedom and cause for alarm, and this setting constitutes neither of those things.

no, no. not at all. this is what you want.

such is a fact that childe was easily able to deduce and subsequently explain to everyone, both to zhongli and to the group of worshippers eager to partake in your body once childe gives them permission to do so (because the priest gets first dibs, of course.) obviously any outsider with half an ounce of sensibility that childe's, ah, group is the textbook definition of a cult, but he won't take too kindly to anyone that dares call it such. is he not helping you and others find the path to the tsaritsa's salvation? how could what he's doing be considered cultish when it's all for the betterment of both the individual and larger society? cults are manmade anyhow, and childe views himself as a being closer to the tsaritsa than to the common man these days.

childe eases zhongli's suspicions with relative brevity. he's smart enough to deduce that something is very, very wrong upon walking into childe's private quarters for such rituals, but even he has to admit that it's hard to truly view this setup as wrong when you're so... willing. you're not in distress, you're not being forced to take childe's cock, you don't cry or sob or wail in pain as he eases thick inch after inch of himself into your pussy, and you don't protest when childe finally gives the rest of the group the word to come and eat their fill as well. you giggle and moan when the worshippers' hands grope at your soft breasts and hips, dip between your legs to help push childe's cum back inside of you, and reverently run across your body with all the gentleness of a human petting a trembling animal. if this is truly what you want, far be it from within zhongli's right to put a stop to it; you're happy, childe's happy, the worshippers are happy... and all that's left is to ensure zhongli's happy as well.

when in snezhnaya, do as snezhnayans do— and so zhongli figures there's no time like the present to enjoy and study his friend's customs.

[howlingday]

Can you do a sketch about super speed like what Solid jj just did please?

MEANWHILE IN THE HALL OF BEACON!

Yang: So I said, "Blake! You gotta be KITTEN me right MEOW!" (RWBY laughing) B-Because she's a cat faunus!

Yang: No, but seriously, think about it, I mean, just think about the amount of problems I could solve if I just had super-speed for one day!

Weiss: Believe me, you don't want to go down that road.

Yang: What are you talking about?

Weiss: Just believe me, Xiao Long. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Yang: The hell are you talking about?! It's super-speed! You do shit quickly! What's the drawback?

Ruby: ...Super-speed sucks.

Weiss: Somebody finally said it! Thank you!

Yang: Explain how!

Weiss: Well, when you're using super-speed, your brain has to process things just as quickly. So while we're moving very quickly, everything else around us just seems to move in slow motion.

Yang: Yeah, sure.

Weiss: ...And you don't see a problem with that?

Yang: Not really.

Weiss: Alright, stop me if you've heard this one before.

Weiss: "Help us, Miss Schnee! This Dust Bomb is about to explode! Quick, read this 500-page manual in the tenth of a second! So you can disarm it!"

Yang: That sounds awesome!

Weiss: From your perspective, sure. It looks like I just open the book, shut it, and I know everything. Case closed. But from MY perspective, I'm moving at regular speed. So when I do that, I'm sitting down and reading a 500-page manual, page by page, word for word.

Yang: That's still incredible!

Weiss: You're not listening to me. I'm reading a book so I can defuse a bomb that could go off at ANY second, and I have to read and comprehend fucking quantum mechanics BEFORE that happens.

Yang: Alright, sure. But that's pretty situational. What about just moving around? Running from place to place?

Ruby: Yeah, I can tell you about that. So when I move, it looks like I'm going ZOOOOM all the way down the street, but from my perspective? I'm just walking. I'm just walking... at a regular pace. And, like, it's one thing when I'm just running across the city, but no, I have to fucking walk all the way to fucking Menagerie. Imagine WALKING to Menagerie.

Yang: Wait, so when you do that running around the world punch-

Ruby: I'm walking the entire way.

Yang: Oh my god.

Ruby: Yeah. Seconds become hours. Hours become days. Days becomes years. I have... I have lost my sense of self.

Yang: Wait, but I thought that when you ran super-fast, everything else would process just as fast.

Weiss: No, that's stupid. How would that even work? Like, how would you even control that? You think you can just flip something like that on and off? Like, if that were the case, then even when we're not moving super-fast, everything else would be seen as moving in slow motion, which is, uh... Which is just fucking terrifying.

Yang: I guess having powers is a real curse when you think about it. I guess I'm better off not having any powers.

Weiss: No, you still suck. Right, Ruby? RUBY?

Ruby: (Slow breathing)

WEEEISS: RUUUUUUBYYYYYYYY?

Weiss: Oh, and you also have to eat a lot because you burn so much energy.

Ruby: Oh, that's what that is? I thought I was just dying!

Weiss: What th- What the fuck do you mean you thought you were dying?

Ruby: I dunno. I just ran really fast and I just felt really weak after. I just... I just thought I was dying.

Weiss: ...What would you have done if you were dying?

Ruby: I dunno. I'd figure something out.

Weiss: ...We're falling apart, guys. This isn't sustainable.

Blake:

Yang: Blake, are you okay?

Ruby: I don't think she's breathing.

Weiss: Fuck.

[elliesmistress]

Oh no, another complaint- tw: mentions of rape, serial killers, CNC, sexual assault, etc.

This is a conversation between me and my friend Birdie so fucking shut up and listen if you want more insight of what I WAS actually talking about with the rape in Ellie, Dina and Abby fanfics.

READ ALL OF IT TO GET THE FULL MESSAGE!

-

"obviously ellie isn't real, but if she was she is a person and wouldn't touch rape with a 10 foot pole, she wouldn't do anything of the sort- like yeah she murdered half of seattle- but she wouldn't sexually assault anyone, she's too fucking awkward to even make a comment SHE was too awkward to make a move on Dina for gods sake do you think Ellie is going to go out and rape someone? No, of course she fucking wouldn't, she's not that type of person at all, and all these fanfic writers have strayed so far away from who Ellie, Dina and abby are as PEOPLE, that they are just writing about this stuff with the same character traits, like, looks, names and appearance" Biride

"with this imagine I used Jeffrey Dahmer as an example, he had fantasies about having sex with men and dead bodies, that is quote a 'fantasy' until it became reality- you cannot say that it's just a 'fantasy' when people are still doing this stuff, he had sex with literal dead fucking bodies because it was a 'fantasy'" Me

"exactly, all of these serial killers and rapists it starts off with a fantasy and then it becomes real life" Biride

-

"is what I have a problem with is the non-consent drug usage where you cannot consent to having sex with someone." me

"the thing with this the fanfics at least the ones I have seen are all like not rape play there not consensual non-consensual- there's no mention of consent there, it's literally just rape. It's like you're drugging people whatever the fuck or Ellie's drugging you or whatever, there's no mention of consent. It is rape, I get consent non-consensual is a thing but it's consensual non-consensual. It's "rape play" non of the fanfics I have seen have the element of consent- like there is a difference" Birdie

"is what I don't agree with is Ellie at age 14 almost got raped by someone in the first game and people who write up about her wanting to rape or drug people when Ellie is the biggest fucking loser I have ever fucking seen- it's just so fucked up that you would want to do that to a 21 year old who has been through some VERY traumatic experiences, I doubt that she would be able to get wet properly or achieve a proper orgasm with the amount of trauma she has, on top of the sexual trauma she has" me

"I'm completely fine with non-consensual to consent or consent to non-consent because that's communication through the partner, which means that person has very good communication with their partner and they know what you like and you know what you like- is what I don't agree with is non-consensual drugging which is specifically what I have in those screenshots, if you are very intoxicated you cannot consent, legally you cannot. I have very mixed opinions on if both people are high because if both people are high and they both cannot make that decision, I don't really think that is rape I think it's just being stupid and taking too much with people you possibly don't know but if both people are incredibly high, like completely out of it, like can't remember shit high- if you're normalizing it and this happens to you, don't go crying that it happened to you when people are saying it isn't okay and you continue to normalize it, like what do you expect to happen?" me

"if you have been raped or whatever in the past and like CNC usually that's a case of wanting to feel like you've been put back into that situation of being raped- but you are actually in control, if you feel like you're not in control at any moment you can give a safe word or whatever and get yourself out of that situation, but you are still in control, of a situation where you're not "in control" and if you're drugged and unconscious while that's happening and you can't actually be in control of that situation, like isn't that a bit backward?" Birdie

"I'm going to be blunt and straight forward as someone who's been in tough situations, I can almost guarantee that the people who are complaining about me complaining about someone writing up about literal rape and drugging people and stuff- have never been in that situation before and when that person said "put yourself in someone elses shoes" like hon, I've been in that situation before. I've never been spiked but I have had bad experiences on just weed and that's not the heaviest drug that will make you forget everything and I was fucking traumatized and it's still affecting me to this day" me

"that's the other thing, with your partner, you are two consenting adults do whatever the fuck you want, I'm not here to kink shame- but when you're posting fanfic on tumblr or whatever- Tumblr has a primarily young audience, with young teenagers and a lot of people reading fics are young teenagers and they are reading that- rape, and they don't understand it, they don't get that there is consent involved especially when it hasn't been stated and even if it is stated non- consent, consent they very well not understand it and very well could go out into a sexual encounter and just think that it's okay to practice non consent without communicating and therefore accidentally raping their partner" Birdie

"no one that has been raped will do fanfics about it and say that it is hot, it could be the CNC but even then I wouldn't write about it because that's just not what I'm into- and when people say "it's just a fantasy" and stuff like I know a few people who have had mental breakdowns and gotten really bad mental health because of fantasies of wanting to be raped that's why some people have dreams about wanting to be raped OR being raped because they have a "fantasy' about being raped because they don't want to be in control" Me

"see, it's not likely to happen but it CAN happen- teenagers are easily influenced and dumb and their brains are smooth- when you're an adult and you're posting online, you have to think about who's going to see that and who's going to get the wrong impression or take something from it that they shouldn't take from it" Birdie

"If that person doesn't want to be in control, it's usually just a lot of childhood trauma about not being in control enough or you've been controlled so much that it's kind of 'normal' to you so you want to feel like you're being controlled by someone even if there's no safe word, usually it's a trauma response but some people are just fucking kinky" me

"exactly 'like put yourself in someone elses shoes' like bitch I don't need to, I'm wearing my own shoes- I'm walking in em. That's me speaking as you by the way" birdie

"teenagers are very easily influenced, like take me for example" me

"that's the other thing, 99% of the people on tumblr are either young teenagers or have a mental illness of some kind, because you're on fucking tumblr- when people have those both, being young and easily influenced, they can't always tell the difference between reality and a fantasy- obviously if someone came up to you in real life and said 'I'm going to rape you' you'd go oh yeah that's bad, that's not okay- but when they're reading about it, in the context of being horny and reading smut they don't know that it's a fantasy and that's not real and that's something you shouldn't bring into the real world, they think oh that's cool lets go do it" birdie

"the problem with people complaining about you complaining and saying 'oh it's just a fantasy, it's no real it's consent, why don't you get that, you're jus so stupid, you don't understand that' what their so stupid about and what they don't understand is the fact that some people don't know it's fantasy, the fact a lot of minors are interacting with their posts weather it says MDNI or whatever the fuck or not, that minors will be absolutely be interacting with your posts all the fucking time especially nowadays there are so many young people on the internet reading smut and stuff they shouldn't be reading/seeing and they get that impression from stuff like that, that it is OKAY- and they need to as adults, as older people with more experience, they are responsible to an extent obviously parents should watch their kids online but they are responsible for what kids see weather they like it or not" birdie

"obviously ellie isn't real, but if she was she is a person and wouldn't touch rape with a 10 foot pole, she wouldn't do anything of the sort- like yeah she murdered half of seattle- but she wouldn't sexually assault anyone, she's too fucking awkward to even make a comment SHE was too awkward to make a move on Dina for gods sake do you think Ellie is going to go out and rape someone? No, of course she fucking wouldn't, she's not that type of person at all, and all these fanfic writers have strayed so far away from who Ellie, Dina and abby are as PEOPLE, that they are just writing about this stuff with the same character traits, like, looks, names and appearance" Biride

"with this imagine I used Jeffrey Dahmer as an example, he had fantasies about having sex with men and dead bodies, that is quote a 'fantasy' until it became reality- you cannot say that it's just a 'fantasy' when people are still doing this stuff, he had sex with literal dead fucking bodies because it was a 'fantasy'" Me

"exactly, all of these serial killers and rapists it starts off with a fantasy and then it becomes real life" Biride

"that's why you can't pinpoint one thing, and jut be like 'it's fine, it's consent' it always starts with a fantasy- like with me for example, I'm going to fucking expose myself, it starts off with a fantasy of wanting to hurt animals and seeing them in pain, and then eventually it turns into fucking people and wanting to see them in pain- and once it's people in pain, you want more, you crave more, it becomes an addiction, you can't keep saying that it's consent and saying that it is a 'fantasy' it's either the two, either it is a fantasy or it is consent, which one do you fucking want?"

May I add: would you justify Dahmers actions just because they were "fantasies"? Or would you not, it's the exact same with this.

-

This isn't hate on writers at all, most of the stuff written that is consent, I absolutely love to see- and it could be a real-life experience you HAD, that is the 'reader' but it's just with people who obviously wouldn't do this stuff like Ellie, Abby or Dina, who are all so fucking traumatized.

Y'all will survive, I'm putting these tags in because this is the audience I want to reach out to. I have anons still on, I have said what I wanted to say but I will ignore ignorant people and I will not give you attention

[sweaterkittensahoy]

help the buckbuckymarge gifset is making me think about the fact that they're all so incredibly stupid (affectionate). gale and marge are like "hello we love you so much please let us keep you forever" and bucky is like "who are you talking to" lmaooooooooo

You gotta understand, it's that Marge and Buck are IN LOVE with Bucky, but he's always been a gigantic slut (affectionate), and they don't want to scare him with the fact that they want him forever.

But also, Bucky adores them both and wants to run away and be ONLY with them, but also, they are SO IN LOVE with each other, and he doesn't wanna make it weird. Watching them love each other makes him want to be with them and just them.

And they all LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH so just being together is wonderful and fun and perfect, and if they could all live in the same house in the same bed? Perfect. Wonderful. No notes ever.

But you can't just SAY THAT to your best friend. So, you know. Um. Marge, what if we set him up with someone? But, like, in the most half-assed way ever so we can PRETEND like we're not being possessive but are actually being possessive.

And Bucky, what if you always go out with them whenever possible and maybe you actually sneak a few hints of Marge's perfume off her letters by reading over Buck's shoulder??? What then???

And then what if Marge finds out Bucky's not getting letters in the Stalag and that's it. She snaps. By fucking god she will write the letters herself, raised eyebrows from anyone be fucking damned. She gets green paper for John, but she scents it with her same perfume.

On one of their many meanders around the camp, Bucky says, "What the fuck, Buck."

"We want you to come home to us," Buck says. "We've always wanted that, but we didn't know how to tell you. So, now you know."

"You fucking asshole," Bucky hisses, wishing he could tackle Buck, but he can't. "You use your fucking words, Buck."

"Oh? Is that what you were doing all this time, Buck? Using your words? Because it seems your problem isn't that MY GIRL is writing you love letters but that she hasn't been doing it BEFORE."

And Bucky deflates because, that's fair. But also. "What if the boys ask?"

"Make something up. Or tell them the truth. I don't fucking care."

Bucky asks Marge what to say. She suggests that he just tell the boys she found him a Marge of his own. Which. Bucky and Buck swap letters, and Marge writes him a little differently. It's all her, but her tone with Bucky is a bit different. It's really nice. So, that's what he goes with. Until Brady goes, "Uh-huh. And they have the same handwriting. What a find."

And Bucky kicks him out of his chair, and everyone laughs.

And Bucky greets Buck via air traffic control, then drives alongside him, then meets him by the plane, and then when it's the two of them alone again says, "So, I should warn you. Marge proposed to me."

"Did she now?"

"Said if I was gonna be your best man, you should be mine."

"Seems all right."

[depravitycentral]

Lee this toooootally isnt inspired by your latest Oikawa post because I feel like he's a closet prude but who in HQ do you think holds on to their virginity the longest based on their canon characteristics? Glad to see you writing again, make sure to stay hydrated! <3

(Because I don't mention Oikawa in the rest of the post - I agree! I think he actually does lose his virginity fairly early on (it's a drunken night and he's a bit regretful after), but I think he likes the concept of keeping himself "clean" and his body count not high just because he is a bit prudish. He'd never admit that he hasn't slept with the number of women you'd guess based off of his status and personality, but he isn't a pure saint himself. A bit hypocritical, to be honest.)

Oooh!! Something about virgin men just feels right - that shuddering little gasp they make when you first take them in your mouth, their hands clenching at the sheets or edge of the chair so tightly their knuckles turn white because it feels so damn good and they can't quite figure out where to put their hands.

(They want to put them in your hair, maybe force your head down a bit like he sees in porn - he only watches videos with actresses that resemble you, of course - but he's not sure if that's a porn-only thing, and the last thing he wants to do is mess up this perfect moment.)

Men who've never fingered anyone before, and so their movements are clumsy and awkward but eager, almost palpably so, their eyes always darting between your cunt and your face. He's listening for each and every noise you make, hoping for any kind of direction of where to touch and how, because it's just sensory overload to be feeling you like this - and suddenly now he knows why most guys don't last long in bed.

(He doesn't want to think about how fast he'll come the first time he actually gets to fuck you.)

And of course, the men who immediately have to bury their face against your neck or back when the tip pops inside of you, every muscle in their body clenching up and this soft, whiny oh leaving their knees buckling. You just feel incredible - he's imaged you often, even going so far as to crafting some sort of stand-in for your own body, be it a toy or a homemade pocket pussy, but neither come even close to the real thing. He just can't get over how warm it all is - he wore the stupid condom like you'd requested, but even through the latex he can feel the wetness, the schlicking noise driving him mad as his hips buck and snap into yours without any real rhythm or aim. He'll push in as far as possible, his balls pressed as tightly against the cleft of your ass as possible, and then he'll just breath, these labored breaths that sound like a moan at the end while wide eyes stare down at you and his fingers grasp onto your hips and thighs and breasts and oh, god when you clench like that it's too much, he can't control himself and he can't stop it and oh, oh god, oh fuck he's coming inside of you just like he's been dreaming about for fucking months -

Of course, everyone's born a virgin, but some keep that status much longer than others. Let's discuss!!

Some men are in no rush to get between someone's legs - they're taking their time, whether for a specific reason or just as a byproduct of other circumstances. This is great news for them, though, because now you get to be their first - an honor that feels both fitting and somehow much, much too good to be real.

Kageyama and Ushijima aren't explicitly waiting, but careers and their lack of social graces haven't exactly made finding a girl a priority. Besides, they aren't ones for hookups, and it takes a long time for romantic feelings to form in the first place for them - they won't sleep with just anyone, it has to be you. (They're the one-and-only type - you're they're first partner, and likely their last. At least if they have any say.)

Sugawara and Kita aren't prudes, but they can't deny the slight allure of waiting until marriage, just because they buy a bit into the construct of virginity being something sacred you're giving away. They don't judge others for sleeping with someone out of wedlock, but it makes their cheeks turn a bit pink to think about giving that part of themselves to someone special - someone like you. (Both also have thinly veiled breeding kinks that make them subconsciously feel like they have to finish inside whoever they're fucking, and while the concept of knocking their sweetheart up gets their palms sweating and their throat bobbing, they're both realistic enough to know that an aversion to condoms equates to unwanted pregnancy.)

Kenma and Kunimi both want partners. Neither are especially sexually driven, and they'd both much rather less overt affection and contact in most situations. And frankly, neither is especially great with relationships - past girlfriends have never lasted long enough to get to the sex stage, so they're virgins by default. (Though both harbor a bit of a nasty addiction to porn, even if they'd rather die than admit it.)

Akaashi and Kuroo have both had ample opportunities to lose it - they're gorgeous, respectively sweet and funny, and every girl's dream, after all. But they're picky and secretly quite shy with their feelings and romance, so letting themselves be vulnerable to intimacy is a big step that they often chicken out of. It's just scary, and while neither is particularly insecure, there's something real and raw and terrifying about sharing themselves with another person like that. (They've each fingered a girl, though, so at least they've got a bit of experience. It makes Kuroo feel better, at least.)

Others are more eager to learn what all the hype is about, to see if sex is really as good as it's fabled to be - they lose their virginity pretty early on. They're sad when they realize you won't be their first (and likely they aren't your first either, though some are more fixated on that fact than others), but they don't mind too terribly much - plus, something about sex with you feels different from all the past times. It feels better, more intimate, more meaningful, like it's actually a way of expressing their love rather than just a fun perk of dating someone. Besides, they're so shocked and elated to be with you naked that they're practically virgins - their cocks aren't working correctly (performance anxiety driven by the yearning for you to approve of their bodies, of the pleasure they can give you), their rhythms are all off compared to their normal pace, some of them even forget how to kiss because they're so damn nervous.

Semi and Bokuto have had their fair share of partners, simply because their professions make adoring female fans a dime a dozen. Both make it a rule to not sleep with fans, but there's always one that manages to catch their eye, that tempts them into breaking that moral code because maybe this is that one in a million story of the fan and the star actually ending up together. But then you step into their lives and suddenly every other woman is nonexistent, every past partner erased from their mind because all that matters is you and that perfect body of yours. (Semi has a penchant for recording when he has sex, and while rewatching the tapes leaves a bit of a sour taste in his mouth because it just feels wrong to watch his cock pounding into a cunt that isn't yours, it's easy to imagine the girl's face is you, to imagine those moans are yours, to imagine the way she clutches onto him is how you'll clutch onto him, too. Bokuto just masturbates to you constantly, to the point where it's a wonder how his body can produce enough cum to have something coming out with his every orgasm.)

Tendou's early twenties brought with it a boost of confidence, and with that confidence came women. He's by no means a ladies' man, but he's slept with a small number of women and had a few girlfriends. His obsession takes a while to form but it affects him hard, to the point where he's certainly the most likely to suffer from serious anxiety and nervousness surrounding intimacy with you, even though he's never had a problem in the past. (He's convinced you'll think his cock is too small - it's not, the solid six inches is plenty - or that his cum tastes horrible - it's not great, sure, but there's a very faint aftertaste reminiscent of chocolate from all the test-tasting he has to do - or that you'll just think he's bad. The first time he makes you come he just sits there for a moment, staring with a dropped jaw, unable to believe that he just gave you an orgasm, all because of him and him alone.)

Hinata and Nishinoya don't purposefully plow through women, but they're the type to bring a girl home every night they go to the bar or club with some buddies. Often they'll reach out about a more permanent relationship rather than just a one-night stand, but often a good fuck is all the women are looking for, anyways. And so, while they have a good amount of experience, the vast majority of it is while being inebriated - and so, the first time they fuck you (stone cold sober, unwilling to not be fully present for possibly the best moment of their lives), it's almost like a new experience all over again, simply because there's all these details and parts they don't remember doing all those nights. (It's not that they don't remember - they just never cared enough to pay so much attention to their hookup's nipples or finger them with such precision.)

Osamu and Hanamaki don't have a huge amount of experience, but they've each had a very serious girlfriend before you, and so they have extensive experience with the same woman. But you - you're different. You're prettier, smarter, sweeter, softer, lovelier, just better in every way, and they feel this sort of pressure to make sure that the sex is better, too. They're the type to ask you every few minutes if everything is still feeling good, just because sex feels so damn good for them, and they want to make sure it feels good for you, too. (If only so that you'll keep doing it, keep letting them touch and kiss and fuck you - all with that lovesick look in their eye, a blush on their cheeks, and an insistence on making sure you're coming until you're literally crying.)

There's a large variety, but these are the ones that wait the longest or the least - but regardless, sex with you is still something that excites them like they're some horny teenage boy, their pants always feeling uncomfortably tight when you're around, no matter how hard they try to will it away. You're just too perfect and pretty and sexy, and can they really be blamed? Besides, isn't it nice to have a man so eager for you, so ready to get on their knees and beg you to just give them a single chance to please you?

If anything, the persistence is endearing.

You only mentioned haikyuu, lovely anon, but I feel compelled to at least mention some of the late and early bloomers for the other fandoms I write for!

Those that wait the longest:

Kny: most of the cast because of their occupation and the time period, but especially Giyuu, Shinobu, Sanemi, Kokushibou, Akaza

Hxh: Kurapika, Knuckle, Machi, Feitan, Franklin, Illumi

Bnha: Aizawa, Enji, Stain, Shigaraki, Spinner, Hawks, All Might

Those that lose it pretty early on:

Kny: Uzui, Douma, Muzan

Hxh: Phinks, Uvogin, Morel, Shizuku, Nobunaga, Shalnark

Bnha: Hizashi, Dabi, Fatgum, Midnight

[projectbluearcadia]

Now, Children, Fight Nicely

[ Trigger Warning - Intentional poisoning (mention) Reader Discretion Advised. ]

Green, crystal-like shards of magic shatter into the air, and Lucifer, in full demon form, bolts inside Barbatos' room, his expression twisted into a snarl as his foot comes flying into Barbatos' face at full force. The impact slams Barbatos into the opposite wall, his hair sprinkled with rocky debris. Blood dribbles from his mouth.

Lucifer: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DOSE HER WITH?!

Barbatos: ...

Lucifer: DO YOU THINK I WON'T FUCKING KILL YOU, BARBATOS!? AFTER DOING THAT TO HER?!

Barbatos: I anticipated that, and quite frankly, I'd rather it was you who did it. It seems fitting.

Tears start to streak down Lucifer's face.

Lucifer: How dare you... How dare you welcome death?! If you really feel so horrible about poisoning the love of my life that you came prepared to die for it, how could you do it at all?!

Barbatos: There are... futures that I'd rather not see. For her suffering, for yours, and for my lord's. Futures where she kills Lord Diavolo. Futures where the Devildom perishes in a sea of turmoil. And... futures where she dies at your hands.

Lucifer grits his teeth angrily.

Lucifer: You're fucking stupid for a person that can see the strands of time! I don't care if it's one possibility out of five billion! Step in and change it, you son of a bitch!

Barbatos: I can't.

Lucifer: WHY NOT?!

Barbatos: Ever since I was infected, I haven't been able to use that ability well, and it's been getting worse. I'm... at the point where I can't do much of anything.

Lucifer's expression shifts through several shades of frustration, and he grips his hands in his hair and screams in anger and despair. Moments later, Diavolo arrives in his nightclothes, disheveled but alert.

Diavolo: ...Barbatos, I am quickly becoming incredibly upset with you, and you have about five seconds to explain to me why you never mentioned what I heard from the hallway.

Barbatos: I apologize, my lord; I intended to solve this quietly, but I'm afraid... some things were simply beyond me...

Lucifer: God! Dammit! You're just like her! You always keep everything to yourself and it costs you everything!

Hello, Mr. Pot?

Lucifer's hair falls from his fingertips alongside his distraught tears. He crumples to the ground, picking up Annelie's head and letting his quiet sobs wrack his body.

Lucifer: Oh, Annelie... I'm so sorry... I'm so, so, so... hic... sorry... I promised, but I failed to protect you again, and now you're like this... I'm sorry... Please... I'll save you, so... Please don't die... please don't die... not again.... please...

I... can smell his tears, but I can't wipe them away... I hate this. He doesn't deserve this. Why am I always so...

Diavolo: Lucifer, stop blaming yourself. This isn't your fault. We'll find a solution... okay?

Diavolo looks like he's on the edge of tears himself as he squeezes his friend's shoulder.

That's an empty condolence and he knows it. Barbatos is too smart. I hate this.

Lucifer: ...is it going to be enough? What if she...?

I... hate this. I curse it. Future be damned; I curse it. This powerless self... I curse it and curse it with everything I have.

A black mist wisps around Annelie's body, sinking into her skin, and Barbatos, Diavolo and Lucifer all collectively wince. Diavolo sinks to one knee, gritting his teeth. Annelie's fingers twitch, and Lucifer latches onto them desperately, watching her face. Her black eyes open to reveal that her irises have turned a radioactive shade of hot pink, punctuated by serpentine pupils. Almost immediately, she grabs hold of Lucifer and hugs him tightly.

Annelie: I'm fine... I'm fine.