#'you would be uncomfortable with 'men' (trans women) going into womens restrooms if you were a victim too' nope i wouldnt be uncomfortable

[dovedrangeas]

ive gotten into a fair amount of arguments with terfs over the years because i have disorders of the mind and love conflict on the internet machine

and many of them have said something to the effect of "you wouldnt think our views are so extreme/hateful/bad if you were an abuse/rape survivor too"

newsflash, asshole! i've been an abuse/rape survivor this whole goddamn time! i just dont use it as an excuse to be a fucking weirdo who obsesses over trans people 24/7! (partially because i am trans myself. but even if i was cis i wouldnt be like that towards trans people, especially trans women)

[radfemfyodor]

I don’t understand Liberals due to many reasons. One of them is believing that transphobia is comparable to actual bigotry.

For context, I shared my thoughts, that I feel like many, if not most people who are afraid of being accused of being terf are afraid not because they disagree with terfs, but because they fear harassment. As one of the examples I mentioned my own situation and how I was afraid to admit that I’m a RadFem, because I was too scared of how people (both in real life and online) would react to this information.

A Liberal obviously had to compare transphobia to actual bigotry, such as racism. “God, imagine if this person hated literally any other group based on any other dumbfuck reasoning” - Biology is a dumbfuck reasoning? I will try to explain my beliefs again, because Liberals water down my views to “Ugh I hate those troons! 😡 I hate them because I’m a hater and have no actual reasoning! 🤬”

Gender is a social construct based on stereotypes about women and men. Without stereotypes about women and men there is no gender and vice versa.

Let’s first look at trans women/transfems: Transfem to “validate” his “identity” will do activities usually associated with women such as wearing color pink, skirts, dresses, makeup, having long hair and doing nails. These activities don’t involve only physical appearance. Transfems often sexualize themselves on purpose, which isn’t only wearing revealing clothing. For example, many transfems like to use terms (mostly for female genitalia) from pornography, especially in their usernames. What I’m going to say now doesn’t specifically happen only in the transfem community, as it happens in transgender communities in general, but from my own experience it happens in transfem spaces more often - they defend pornography with their life, spread lies that Sex Work is “empowering”, their pages are full of pornographic content. If you tell them about the realities of Sex Work, they call you a swerf and bigot. Trans women’s/transfems’ “identifying” as women is in reality “identifying” with misogynistic stereotypes.

Now let’s look at trans men/transmascs: Transmasc to “validate” her “identity” will basically live comfortably in her body. She will stop shaving, wearing makeup, clothing that makes her uncomfortable such as short skirts and heels. There’s a high chance that she will cut her hair and not care about her clothing at all except the fact that it has to be comfortable to wear. Being “transmasc” is just not fitting patriarchal roles for women - trans men/transmasc are women who don’t fit into the patriarchal norms.

What I’m saying doesn’t come out of nowhere, I was a TRA for almost 4 years. All I have said comes from my and other people’s experiences. What I said about transfems is harsher and longer, because I’m tired of males “identifying” with our oppression, invading female only spaces which also leads to female only spaces getting removed. Almost no lesbian bars, because males who “identify” as women can go there and if you refuse to let them in, you are accused of bigotry. Males take part of women’s sports, which is unfair. Women and men are separated in sports due to differences in our biology. Males going to women’s restrooms and change rooms, often to harass women in these places, and if you don’t let them to go there, you are called a bigot. Notice how transmascs don’t invade male only spaces at all - transmasc don’t demand to go to men’s restrooms and change rooms, aren’t taking part in men’s sports either.

All these genders are just harmful stereotypes, making someone believe that they “were born in wrong body”. You weren’t “born in wrong body” because you don’t fit patriarchal gender norms. Liberals are convinced that I’m against gender, because I “hate” trans people and “I want them dead”. I’m against gender, because I want women to be “masculine” and men to “feminine” without them believing that there is something wrong with their bodies. I don’t want people to take hormones they shouldn’t and mutilate their reproductive organs, because they don’t fit stereotypes about their biological sex.

“Imagine if they were, say, racist and saying how hard it is to be a racist nowadays” How not denying biology is same as racism? HOW? Liberals have the weirdest comparisons, recently I got compared to HITLER… I don’t believe that transgender people aren’t humans, that they’re inferior, that they deserve to be assaulted and killed. Comparing me to actual bigots, because I’m aware that humans can’t change their biological sex is beyond crazy.

“No shit it’s hard and sad and annoying to be a hateful person, we don’t want that type of shit in society, It is unacceptable. It SHOULD be hard and make you afraid to be an out-and-proud bigot” I’m not a “hateful person”, I just don’t deny biology. It’s so… weird and stupid that nowadays being aware of the fact that women are adult human females and men are adult human males is bigotry. It’s regressive to deny these facts, accept them for your own good.

I’m not a “hateful” person, my “hate” is a genuine concern - I don’t want people to suffer mentally and physically, because they don’t fit patriarchal norms. Instead of encouraging people to take hormones they shouldn’t and mutilate their reproductive organs, let’s make them aware that it’s completely okay to not fit patriarchal stereotypes about their biological sex.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for “yes and”ing sexual harassment?

I (19 ?) am very visibly queer. I’ve been perceived as pretty much every gender under the sun, and I like to be as confusing as physically possible. even if I’m dressed down I don’t ever “pass” as anything. I really like this for the most part but it also means I get a lot of weird looks no matter what bathroom I use. usually I just use the women’s because it’s what I’ve used my entire life and also it’s cleaner. no matter which one I’m in people usually only react to me with weird looks. occasionally they’ll go “sorry!” and turn to walk out of the bathroom directly to the other one (this has happened in both the men’s and women’s) and I’ll have to frantically apologize before they can, but that’s the worst it gets normally

anyway, a couple months ago I was in this mostly empty women’s room (me, these two ladies, and the woman who’s about to sexually harass me). I was dressed up for an event so I probably looked pretty strange to most people. this woman (30s?40s? F) approaches me and tells me I’ve got the wrong bathroom. I take it as an honest mistake and say something like “thanks, but it’s ok, I meant to use this one.” I notice this sort of simmering rage on her face after I say this and that’s when it clicks that she: 1. thinks I’m a trans woman (she’s not totally wrong but it’s complicated), and 2. thinks that means I’m posing a Direct Threat To The Sanctity Of The Women’s Restroom. she compels me to leave Again. I give a firmer no, and turn to get in a stall

at this point she goes off the deep end and starts calling me a creep, accusing me of being a man, etc (ftr I’m intersex, was assigned female at birth. but obviously this wouldn’t matter to her and even if it did it wouldn’t excuse the shit she’s saying about trans women). I stay quiet. then she starts loudly speculating about the penis that I apparently have now (keep in mind we are NOT the only two in this restroom either, there’s at least two other women who look very uncomfortable with this whole situation). I kind of snap and say something along the lines of “if you’re really so worried about what parts I have, you can come watch me pee.” she looks totally horrified at this idea and shuts up. I pee alone, thank god

the way I see it, this didn’t cross any line she hadn’t already crossed — she was openly harassing me about my genitals in a public space, I answered in the best way I could think of in the moment that would call her bluff instead of insulting her and making it into a shouting match, which would just be even shitter for everyone involved. “ask stupid questions get stupid answers” and all that (it did occur to me the moment I left that bathroom that she could’ve attacked me. I got really lucky she didn’t call the cops or something)

I still don’t feel bad at all for how I responded, and I wouldn’t even be asking this if we were the only two there, but I’m on AITA because there were two other women in the bathroom I feel like ass for even tangentially involving. they both seemed really uncomfortable with what this lady was saying about trans people, and I know she probably still would’ve harassed me no matter what I did, but I wonder if I could’ve somehow prevented the situation altogether by not responding to her at all or even just straight up leaving the bathroom like she asked. it’s kind of useless to speculate about now, I guess, but since this is apparently a thing that happens to me now I should think about how I might respond better to harassment like that in the future

so. AITA for maliciously complying with a transphobe in a public space

What are these acronyms?

[fuck-customers]

Guess who got radicalized at her Malwart job today?! This girl. ✋(Sorry this is kinda long, tw transphobia?)

I am a cis girl, but I kinda look like a dude. I'm fat but practically flat chested, I don't wear makeup, and when I wear my long hair up I get called dude and sir a lot. It doesn't really bother me, and most people realize their mistake when they hear my voice or notice my long hair (why long hair=automatic girl idk, but whatever). Even my name could be a boy or a girl's, so it doesn't help people's confusion.

I'm a cart returner at Malwart. The other day I had to go to the bathroom, and rather than walk through the whole store to the employee restrooms in the back, I just used the ones near the entrance. No one was inside when I came in, so I went in a stall and did my business. Even sat on my phone watching videos and playing games for a while because fuck the corporate overlords. While I was in there, I heard a mom and a kid come in. Mom was struggling to help them pull their pants down and go potty, kid was fussing and probably in need of a nap. I don't think anything of it and kept playing games on my phone till I got bored and finished up.

When I left the stall mom and kid were at the sink, and mom whipped her head around to look at me like I had just jumped out and yelled BOO! Whatever, I assume she just didn't know anyone else was in there with her. I give her a smile and go wash my hands. "Excuse me," I hear her say to my left. Again, I don't think anything of this, I just assume she's talking to the kid. I dry my hands and leave. "Ex-CUSE me!" I hear behind me as I leave. I turn around and she's followed me out of the bathroom, tugging the grumpy kid along.

Her: Why were you in the ladies restroom?

Me, confused: Pardon?

Her: You were in the LADIES room!

Me, still confused: ...Yes?

Her: The MENS room is RIGHT THERE!

Me, having a realization: Ma'am what are you implying?

Her: Don't play dumb with me! You were in there with me and my CHILD!

Me: Yes, I was PEEING.

Her: In the WOMENS room! You're DISGUSTING!

She's shouting and people are staring at this point, and a member of asset protection (security basically) comes over. Unfortunately, I still look like a dude, and I don't know this particular coworker.

Security: Is there a problem ma'am?

Her: This MAN was just in the ladies room with me and my CHILD! I didn't know Malwart employed GROOMERS.

Me: Holy shit I was in a STALL and I left as soon as-

Security: Why didn't you go to the employee bathroom?

Me: It's at the back of the store!

Security: Well, I'm just saying, people like you should know you make people uncomfortable.

Me: I'M making people uncomfortable?! And SHE came in after ME! I didn't FOLLOW HER in there!

This went on for a few more minutes till security called for a manager to deal with ME, because I was the problem apparently. Thankfully the manager did know me, and helpfully informed them "She's a woman and she's worked here for 8 years you idiot." The security guy ran off with his tail between his legs and the manager let me go back to my job while she tried to calm down the lady.

Later that same manager came to me and said "Why didn't you just tell her you're a woman?" and I said "Would that have mattered to her? She would have assumed I meant I'm a transwoman anyway. Her mind was made up about me," and the manager just shook her head and said "You just made the whole situation worse"

I made the situation worse. I was harassed just because of what I look like, and I made the situation worse. I gotta admit I used to be pretty "well I can understand why some people would be uncomfortable" about trans people, but now? Fuck transphobes. Fuck ANYONE who would treat someone like shit just because of what they look like.

@staff I HATE the new text editor!

[coochiequeens]

A large man dressed like a drag queen was in line for the women’s restrooms. And the police arrested a woman for saying he was in the wrong line.

A woman who was arrested after confronting a man using the women’s restrooms in a bar in Cardiff, Wales has come forward to speak with Reduxx about her experience.

Kate, whose name has been changed at her request to protect her anonymity, had been at attendance during the day at FiLiA 2022, an annual feminist conference held to address issues related to women’s sex-based rights. In the evening after the conference, Kate visited Heidi’s Bier Bar on Mill Lane with her friend, Dr EM, a well-known feminist writer and advocate for disabled women. A few other women from the conference had also joined them.

Kate told Reduxx that, after an evening of drinking with the women, she went to the washroom and noticed what she described as a man who looked like a “drag queen” standing in queue for the women’s toilets. 

Immediately, Kate confronted the trans-identified male and asked him to leave the women’s restroom.

“I said, ‘you’re a man, you shouldn’t be in here,'” Kate explained, going on to describe that the man and some female patrons began shouting abuse at her. “When I was down there, there was absolutely no one supporting me.”

Kate says bar staff were then alerted, and, while she was still in the restroom, approached her and demanded she leave. 

Kate provided phone camera footage for Reduxx to review of the initial interaction she had with bar staff. In the video, a female staff member with yellow-and-pink hair accuses Kate of having threatened violence against the trans-identified male, an allegation she adamantly denies.

“The man was a lot larger than me, so I don’t know why I would do that,” Kate said, “I just said ‘a man shouldn’t be in the women’s toilets.’ I wouldn’t threaten him.” 

In the video, the pink-haired staff member is joined by a male staff member who also enters the women’s restroom where the interaction is taking place, something Kate immediately objects to. 

At one point, the female staff member begins berating Kate about “misgendering” the trans-identified male after Kate continues to insist a man should not have been permitted to use the women’s restroom.

While Kate is reluctant to release the footage to the public due to the possibility of her being identified, Reduxx has transcribed a portion of the conversation she had with the female bar staff member here:

Kate: You came in and asked me to leave the venue because a man was in the women’s toilets.

Bar Staff: Oh? You mean the transgender woman?

Kate: A man.

Bar Staff: A transgender woman. 

Kate: A man was in the toilets.

Bar Staff: It was a transgender woman.

Kate: A man. You know it’s a man!

Bar Staff: They are a transgender woman. You need to respect their pronouns and the fact that they have decided to alter their gender. You have tried to attack a transgender woman, that is a hate crime. You have just recorded yourself admitting to a hate crime.

The interaction continued, with bar staff first insisting Kate had threatened to physically harm the trans-identified male, before changing their claim and asserting she had already “tried to throw a punch.” Kate immediately objects to the suggestion she had been violent.

“I haven’t thrown a punch! Why would I throw a punch!” She is heard saying. The pink-haired staff member begins telling Kate to stop recording her, a request Kate refuses.

Kate: I will leave the venue, but I will record you. I am telling you right now that I have lived in Cardiff for 40 years, and I have never experienced people like you harassing me in women’s toilets.

Bar Staff: So you have harassed a transgender woman?

Kate: No, it was a man.

Bar Staff: It was a transgender woman.

Kate: It was a man. A man in the women’s toilets and that makes me really uncomfortable. I am a sexual assault survivor and–

Bar Staff: So am I.

Kate: -I do not consent to men being in the women’s toilets.

Bar Staff: So, there wasn’t a male in the toilet, it was a transgender woman.

Speaking to Reduxx after reviewing the footage, Kate expressed bewilderment at the staff’s behavior. 

While the interaction had occurred after Kate had consumed alcohol, there was no instance in the footage Reduxx reviewed during which Kate was abusive, violent, or otherwise aggressive in any way. She simply continued to insist a male should not have been allowed in the women’s restroom.

Kate recorded herself following bar staff out of the venue. When exiting the building, both the male and female bar staff began informing patrons sitting on the patio that Kate had been “homophobic” and “transphobic.”

Police arrived shortly after, at approximately 2 a.m. Upon arriving, they interviewed the trans-identified male and his friends, who insisted Kate had threatened them and that she was on cocaine. 

“I am a 54 year old woman with two adult children. It’s Sunday night. I was not on cocaine. It’s so ludicrous,” Kate said. “They could have tested me, or given me a drug test — they didn’t. They searched me and took all of my belongings, I had no drugs. I only had a bar on soap in my pocket because I had been gifted soap.”

Kate says police began to interview bar staff, as well as the trans-identified male and his friends, at which point they decided to arrest her. She was placed in handcuffs, which she said were so large for her wrists that they were almost falling off of her. 

Police were set to place Kate in a caged van, but she repeatedly insisted she was claustrophobic and did not want to be locked in such a small space. Conceding, she was placed in the back of the van. Dr. Em, Kate’s friend, came with her as an accompaniment.

“She was staying with me. I kept saying to them, ‘she’s staying with me, she’s got a brain injury. This is going to be really traumatic for her. Whatever you do you need to make sure she’s okay,'” Kate said, noting that she was still unaware of why, exactly she had been arrested.

After multiple hours, Kate was asked if she wanted to apologize to the trans-identified male, something police insisted would allow her to leave without incident.

“They said, ‘if you just apologize, then we can just leave all of this here and you can go home.’ I told them I was not going to apologize because I had not done anything wrong.”

Police reportedly consulted the trans-identified male who had been in the women’s restroom, and he declined to pursue any further investigation into the matter. Kate was told she was then “de-arrested” and was taken home.

Kate was not given any documentation related to her temporary detention, nor was she provided a reference number, charges, or anything else related to the situation.

The day of October 24, Kate says she visited the police station in search of answers. She demanded the name of the name of the individual who had reported her to police, as she wanted to legally pursue him falsifying information about her in order to have her arrested. The police later said the reason for her arrest was on suspicion of a public order offense but that she was later de-arrested following the input of the alleged victim.

She was told she would get a call-back from the night shift with additional details, but did not hear anything further from South Wales Police.

Today, the arresting officer gave a statement to local media calling Kate and her friends “transphobic” for a vague article that was written without Kate’s input.

South Wales Inspector Grady stated: “At around 2 a.m. on Monday morning, South Wales Police received a report from a bar on Mill Lane in Cardiff city centre that a number of females were refusing to leave the premises after making transphobic comments and threats to a member of the public inside. The group were removed from the premises by door staff and a 54-year-old woman was arrested for a public order offence. She was de-arrested, as the victim did not want any further police action, and given suitable words of advice.”

Reduxx reached out to South Wales Police for comment, but has not received a response.

In the aftermath, Kate says she has been left “traumatized” by the situation, but does not want her experience to deter other women from speaking up.

“I feel really strongly that it is on all of us. We, women, need to say ‘no’ to men coming into our spaces. We need to say ‘no’ to children being given hormones. We need to say ‘no’ to all of it,” Kate says.

“If not you – who, if not now – when… men now think it’s okay to go in to women’s toilets, we have to speak up. We have got to make it uncomfortable for them.”

Kate is not the first woman in the United Kingdom to face legal consequences for speaking up in defense of women’s spaces or standing up for women’s rights.

In January of this year, a disabled woman in South Wales had her home searched and was subjected to police detention after being reported for committing a “transphobic hate crime” for putting up stickers raising awareness about domestic violence.

Earlier this month, Caroline Farrow, a mother of five who has been outspoken against gender ideology, had her house forced into by Surrey Police after her social media activity was reported as criminal. Farrow had previously been investigated by police in 2019 for misgendering a trans-identified male on Twitter in 2019.

By Shay Woulahan Shay is a writer and social media content creator for Reduxx. She is a proud lesbian activist and feminist who lives in Northern Ireland with her partner and their four-legged, fluffy friends.

[icannotgetoverbirds]

You replied to a post saying you used to be a terf, what changed your mind?

Honestly, it was a long process. There wasn't any one thing that changed me. It started with the fact that I was a sympathetic TERF - my worst standpoint was that people had a right to be afraid of trans women in women's restrooms - and even then I recognized the importance of legal rights and protections for trans people, even if I didn't think they were the gender they said they were.

I was a particular brand of TERF that wasn't particularly unhinged or cruel - I turned to radical feminism out of a mixture of frustration and misguided kindness. Radfems tell you that womanhood is suffering, and so they're very appealing to transmasc eggs who haven't realized their identities yet - they recognize and acknowledge something that transmasc eggs experience, even if they apply the concept far too broadly and incorrectly.

Essentially, I was tired of screaming that women deserve better to people who thought womanhood was all sunshine and rainbows, so when radfems acknowledged the pain I was in, even though they misattributed it, they won me over to their side by being the only people that seemed to listen to that sentiment.

Nonetheless, I was determined to be as kind as possible, and I recognized that dysphoria was real. I believed that it was real because I subconsciously understood that I was experiencing it. I thought that every woman, given the chance, would transition into a man. I thought my experiences were inherent to womanhood.

It truly baffled me when cis women would tell me that being misgendered hurt them, that being masculine was uncomfortable, that being seen as a man or stripped of their womanhood was a punishment. For me, all of that meant that I was being taken more seriously as a not-woman (as misguided and incorrect as that interpretation is) because I recognized the societal connotations between masculinity and competence (not correlated at all btw).

And what baffled me even more was the fact that trans women existed. See, I recognized gender dysphoria as valid, and i reasoned out that it would make sense for it to go both ways, but what I didn't understand was why any trans woman would transition, given the layers of oppression that she would experience.

I could recognize that trans women were oppressed, that they were at high risk of assault and didn't deserve to be relegated to the men's restroom. I understood that bathroom-based sexual violence happens and is much easier to commit without transitioning to try and sneak in or some bullshit.

I saw gender dysphoria and gender euphoria and concluded that trans people still deserved kindness, even if I didn't think they were right about their gender. I saw the pain and recognized that it was real, and I saw the joy and recognized that it was real. I recognized that trans people weren't doing any harm to others - I only thought that they were harming themselves.

Beyond that, I understood bodily autonomy to some extent, and while I wasn't as radically for it as I am now, I understood that I wasn't the one who got to choose who got to do what with their bodies. I'll admit, I did think that they needed more time in therapy before they'd be allowed to transition, and that it should've only be a last resort if nothing else was working, and that was something I had to fix.

If there was anything that changed it for me, it was deconverting from Mormonism. I'd become more accepting over the years as I'd learned more, even to the point that I recognized that queer people deserved rights within the structure of religion, that the prophets could have made a mistake or misspoken or been misinterpreted when they drafted The Family: A Proclamation To The World.

After all, that'd happened before with black men being unable to hold the priesthood. Why couldn't it have happened now?

But then, the other question arose. I realized that the only justification the organization had made for its discrimination back in the day was, aside from human flaws, the idea that the world was not yet ready for such things. It occurred to me that the world seemed more than ready for queerness to be accepted (I was much more entrenched in my persecution complex at the time and believed the outside world to be rampant with 'sinners' and their sympathizers, aka leftists, whether they were good people or not), so why couldn't that have happened now?

To me, it just didn't make sense. To me, the world was ready. To me, the waiting would cost lives, and that was unacceptable. Unfortunately, I had been trained well in thought-stopping techniques, so I didn't truly stop to ponder what that meant for a while.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit. Suddenly, I wasn't going to church every Sunday. Suddenly, I was tired all of the time. Suddenly, my mental health was crashing, and church was making it worse, somehow. Suddenly, the whole world was upside down, and it shook a few things loose. I came out to my mother as a genderqueer woman - not ready to fully break the mold yet - and decided that the church was wrong about this thing.

After things had settled down somewhat, I started turning over concepts in my mind, about how the one true church had had shortcomings in this day and age. About the prophets that had failed to protect their queer spiritual siblings. About the audacity to tell trans people that they cannot transition, despite medical and scientific evidence proving the benefits and even necessities. About the audacity to tell gay people that they cannot love the way they truly love.

Funnily enough, that's not what broke the shelf. No, get this - it was weed.

See, I'd been delving more into advocacy and had gained an understanding of the war on drugs and the true implications behind criminalizing substance use, especially with its history and current implementation. I had decided that it was a good idea to decriminalize all substances for the safety of the people addicted to them. I had also recognized that marijuana was by and large harmless if not outright helpful for many people.

I recognized that requiring a doctor's approval for weed in a country without good, socialized health care was classist and would lead to unwarranted suffering, and that the Mormon organization's influence in attempting to require such in Utah was overreach. I also was biased, as I wanted to try weed myself.

And suddenly it occurred to me that I didn't really care what the church thought I should and shouldn't do anymore. It occurred to me that their cruelty was intolerable, and that I couldn't have one foot in the queer community (as an asexual genderqueer woman) and one foot in such an intolerant organization. It occurred to me that I wanted to try weed, and I didn't care that the Mormon leaders had advised against recreational substance use. So I turned it over in my mind, taking time to actually consider it.

I didn't believe. I had never believed. I had been trying so hard to force myself to believe, to pretend that I believed, and for what? A god that never answered - or whose answers could easily be construed as the mechanisms of the world, as happenstance? Surely an all-powerful and loving god wouldn't leave me in the dark like that, especially considering how hard I had fought, despite everything.

And so the shelf broke, and I got excited, and started to think about what I wanted to do. I thought about tattoos, and piercings, and a double mastectomy, and a hysterectomy, and bottom surgery - oh.

Yeah. That was a bit to process. I realized that I had some learning to do, some media to rewatch with a fresh perspective, some concepts to understand, etc. And it took me a while to come around to the realization that I had, in fact, been a TERF and had, in fact, held harmful beliefs.

From there it was just a matter of learning more about activism, keeping an open mind, and fixing the holes that the manipulation of the mormon cult had left in my understanding of the world.

[itdobethatbitch]

what are your thoughts on trans men? i am a trans man who told my family when i was 12 that i wanted to be a boy. i didn't know that being transgender was a thing, nobody told me i should become a boy, and i believed that women were just as strong and capable as any man. i am 18 now and medically transitioning not because i am "deluded" or "crazy", but because being called she or her or my deadname physically hurts. i've attempted suicide twice, but i am much happier now, and my male-to-female friends have had similar experiences. we are not grooming children- many of us realized we were trans as children, without outside intervention. educating on lgbtq history and trans issues does not force somebody to be trans. and as somebody raised female, i understand being afraid of men and paranoid that they are out to get you, but have you considered that not everything is about you? that a trans woman isn't uprooting her entire life just to fuck you in a public bathroom? trans people are not preying on cis women. we just want to be normal.

I think it is very common for younger girls to want to be boys. There are pleanty of reasons why puberty is uncomfortable for both boys and girls. It is an awkward time, and there are a lot of cultural factors that tie into it as well.

I dont feel differently about women being trans and identifying as men, save for the fact that women are physically built differently than men and are on average, not as strong. I still think there should be more single stall bathrooms, that would fix some problems. I still think you shouldnt be allowed to change to a different sex sports team.

Personally, the trauma I have experienced occured when I was roughly 4 to 10 yesrs old, and it wasnt violent. So, I am not worried about myself nearly as much as I am worried about other women and girls.

Sure, if someone genuinly feels they should be a different gender and they are 18, they are an adult and can make their own choices. However, I think men who know damn well they are men, are acting as if they are trans to get access to vulnerable people. I think it is the responsibility of people who identify as trans, and as you say "just want to be normal", to understand the consequences of allowing people to self identify and use whichever restroom they please.

Someone who has a paraphilic disorder will do whatever it takes to satisfy their urges. They are abusive and manipulative and are a danger to others.

It is more of an issue for men to identify as women because men, even going through hormone therapy, will have the physical advantage over women. I know these are generalities, but it is the duty of good people to protect others. If you are trans, i think it is up to you to manage yourself and act accordingly, finding a single stall bathroom. Fight for that if you want to fight for rights.

At the end of the day, I believe that allowing biological men into women only spaces removes the rights of biological women...I dont aim to offend people, but i wont keep my mouth shut just because people get offended. I wish the world was perfect and we could trust people to be honest and kind, but that isn't reality.

And words cannot cause a physical pain to someone. You may feel a strong emotional reaction, but while I believe words do have power, they cannot physically harm someone.

I am sorry you felt so strongly you tried to take your life, but my opinions on suicide are another topic and i will offend even more people. If you want to have that conversation I will, but anyway...and I am glad you personally feel better about yourself, and you may not personally be a groomer, but people who want to cause harm are benefiting from certain actions.

This was a long one, I tend to ramble, but i tried to answer the topics that seemed to be brought up in your ask.

[olivando]

Hair Matters

A somewhat silly tale of the time I almost had an anxiety attack at a tube station because of a haircut.

Hair is a potent signifier of health, status, style. It frames our faces, hides and reveals us. It can be a vehicle for self expression as much as a source of profound anxiety, which is especially true for cis women and queer folk. I'm no exception.

In her video about alopecia, Jen Campbell talks about hair loss in the context of chronic illness. Even though she never liked it much to begin with, and has many more pressing symptoms to contend with, societal equating of hair with beauty prompted her to reflect on the topic. Embarrassing as it is to admit, one of my main motivators to seek treatment for my anemia was the fact that my hair was falling off at an alarming rate. Like many trans men before and after me, I worry about what testosterone will do to my hairline. Mind you, it is not the main concern... but it's there, in the back of my mind.

I started dyeing my hair young. As a teen, I took full advantage of summers to experiment with length at color. I was daring: pink, purple, red, black, two-tone, wavy, straight, layered, anything that I thought might look cool. I have no idea why, but as a child I wished I had been born a wavy-haired redhead, so as a young adult I lived that fantasy. No regrets!

For all my boldness, there was one style I always coveted but had never dared try: "boy" short. The reason? Fatphobia. Unlike AMAB people, for whom short hair is commonly the default, AFAB people are told that we need to have the "right" face for a short haircut. "Right" meaning slim and angular, of course.

The day I finally took the plunge was the day I first came out as non-binary (story for another day). I was on the chair, waiting and texting. It took longer because my original hairdresser didn't know how to do short, so her colleague, who happened to be her mom, took over. She did a beautiful job, and oh, how the style suited me! Still, that was a "women's" pixie haircut; as per a friend's suggestion, I used Anne Hathaway as a reference.

After that, short hair became my new normal.

And yet, as with public restrooms (another post pending), haircuts became a minefield. Men's are cheaper (unfair, but especially unfair if you are getting the same haircut), so it makes sense to ask for that. However, many co-ed hair salons will still lead me to the women's section, where even hairdressers who do short styles tend to do feminizing cuts or are reticent to go ham with the clippers.

One day, because I wasn't fully satisfied with my previous haircut, I decided to try a fancy salon near my workplace which a friend had told me was trans-friendly. They had no appointments for the day, but they suggested their barber place a few blocks away, where, for obvious reasons, there were more staff that could do what I needed.

I walked there after work. It was very busy, full of stylish men chatting on the chairs, cutting hair, trimming beards, on their phones in the waiting area. It was exactly the kind of space I was drawn to as a kid, only to be shut off from as soon as puberty hit. Was I really gonna go there and sit for however long the cut took, listening to their talk, too uncomfortable to speak because of my voice (yet another post to come!)? Cue the anxiety attack.

I ran into the station's bookshop. Looked at the books. I breathed in, out, willing myself to stay calm and understand why a stupid haircut was causing me such distress.

What am I afraid of?

Honestly? that they would say "sorry, this is for men's only." This would not only make me feel bad, it would also put me in the position of either having to correct them, or look down, say "alright, then," and leave a coward. Had I chosen the latter, I would have been so disappointed in myself.

I want to be brave, always. For me, and for others.

So I went in and asked if they had slots for walk-ins. They did in an hour's time, an hour I didn't have as I had a ticketed event to attend. Such stress, for nought! Still, I'm glad I asked.

I ended getting my haircut at the same place where I went to cut my hair the day I first came out. This time, though, I asked for a men's cut. The hairdresser was a butch Brazilian who clearly thought I played for her home team. It was a good time, and my hair looks great.

I still want to try going to a dedicated barbershop sometime. I know there are plenty of openly queer places like that, and will look into those. However, it is important to me that I feel able to walk into any hair salon or barbershop, looking how I look, and ask for a haircut. If they say no? That's on them.

(In lieu of an epilogue, I wish to clarify that I would absolutely grow out my hair again in the future. I love experimenting with it! But being honest, I wouldn't do it until I've transitioned further—more on this later.)

[ms-hells-bells]

what do you think about this study? does it prove radfems wrong that we shouldn't allow males in female spaces? idk what to make of it https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna911106

this is from 2018, so i'm sure radfems debunked it back then.

firstly, this is just in massachusetts.

secondly this is just based on police reports, a majority aren't reported, let alone when the women are scared of being attacked for 'transphobia". look how people reacted over the wi spa incident when an entire group of women were saying that a male was walking around with an erection. this own study states that "reports of privacy and safety violations in public restrooms, locker rooms, and changing rooms are exceedingly rare" which we KNOW is not true, many women and girls have experiences of violations relating to bathrooms and other vulnerable spaces. websites are full of spycam porn of women in bathrooms. the study discredits itself in showing that police reports are not an accurate measure of sexual violations.

thirdly, 2018 was before many more people became aware of and CONFIDENT in gender neutral laws, knowing that they wouldn't be arrested for indulging in their fetishes and violating female spaces. more men hear about it, more men do it. like how many places have had laws allowing 'transitioned' trans women into female prisons for years now, but it's only been in the past few years when things have been brought to the forefront, where men have been 'transitioning' en masse to access female prisons. media exposure and legal precedent (like women complaining and losing, or women being assaulted and the rapists protected or the prisons trying ot cover it up) has a massive effect.

fourthly, the study doesn't make sense, because of course the crime rates are going to remain the same, because before women would be able to report men if they entered female spaces, and it'd be a crime, but gender neutral laws mean that they have decriminalised that. it'd be like decriminalising battery, and then going 'see, the crime rates didn't increase just because we made battery legal! just look at the number of police reports, in fact, battery has gone down!".

and fifthly, because the reports of these crimes are, by the study's own words "exceedingly rare", this data is useless. there is not enough data points to say if this study is accurate and representative of the real world. they had so little to work with that they had to change their analysis plans partway through.

and all of this is just from reading the abstract and notes, because the damn study is behind a paywall. i'm not even getting into how they qualify someone as "trans", whether trans people are actually entering the spaces under inclusivity laws, or women are taking it upon themselves to make them unwelcome, and what i think is very important, the rate of space use. women and girls actively talk about how when males are allowed in their spaces they avoid them. in the uk, multiple schools that allowed males to enter female bathrooms, had major issues with girls staying home on their periods or getting utis from not using the bathrooms. if males move in and women then take measures to avoid males in the spaces, like not using them, or walking out if they see a male, then of course the crime rate is gonna stay the same, but women are suffering for it.

and in the end, even if the crime rates remained the same, women don't feel safe, they feel uncomfortable, violated, and mentally stressed. women shouldn't have to be getting raped a bunch for their safety and comfort to matter.

[hardtchill]

To add to all those excellent points you were making - I was assigned female at birth, right now I'm questioning my gender, I think I might be non-binary or just very butch lesbian, I don't know yet. But I was always more "traditionally masculine" presenting (and I mean always, I remember being 3 and asking my mom for those cool sweat pants all the boys in the kindergarten had and If I could have a couple of different pairs of them) because I liked boys' clothes, toys, I also played a lot with other boys, so I was called a tomboy.

Then when I was around 14 I cut my hair short, first to a sort of a feminine haircut (which I hated because it was not what I asked for at all but the hairdresser just assumed that I wanted the haircut I showed her but made more feminine, which was shitty AF on her part by the way). I then slowly started getting more boyish cuts and started wearing men's clothes only, now I even go to men's barber where I'm probably the only afab person.

The more I looked like that the more I felt like myself, I even could breathe more easily because anytime I had to wear something feminine I was getting anxious and tense (I even think I had a couple of mild anxiety attacks because of it) and now I could finally relax. But I was also feeling more and more uncomfortable in public bathrooms or wherever in places like shops and restaurants because I would be called "sir" or referred to as "he", which I didn't actually mind that much when I was on my own (unless I had to correct them because for example I was somewhere in a formal capacity and needed to give my personal information and that was awkward af), but it was a whole other story when I was with my friends or family because it would either make them laugh at me or they would give me sympathetic looks, like the most embarrassing thing just happened to me and they were feeling sorry for me.

So I guess, the point I'm trying to make is that if anyone needs protection, it's trans women and from cisgender women. Many times I felt awkward and/or unsafe in bathrooms and locker rooms and classrooms and restaurants and different types of offices, and virtually anywhere you can think of, because of the way I look, and 80% or 90% of that was because of something a usually straight, always cisgender woman would say or do. I've been laughed at, I've gotten the most disgusted looks and really mean comments, all from cis women. Young and old alike. A trans woman never made me feel unwelcome or unsafe, never traumatized me. Even men's bathrooms feel safer, so I often use them if I know there are cabins inside.

So yeah, TERFs are so worried about being in danger they don't even notice how are they hurting others, sometimes even other cis women, who just don't look the way they would want them to.

YES ALL OF THIS.

Literally every single fucking Terf i ever talk to is so concerned with the fake danger Trans people pose while they completely ignore the fact that Trans people are targeted by everyone at all times (usually even without the CIS people noticing). They are so worried about the pretend danger they could be in, yet they choose to put Trans people in that exact danger.

Just look at the whole gender neutral bathroom debate. Terfs always say women will be attacked by men pretending to be women if you allow Trans people into the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity. Meanwhile this has been legal in the Netherlands since forever and there is no increase of attacks anywhere ever. So they are throwing a tantrum over a pretend danger while forcing Trans people to go into bathrooms in which they literally aren't safe, which is a fact supported by actual research instead of fear mongering.

And yes, you don't even need to be Trans to experience that. Granted i now identify as NB, but up until like 2-3 years ago i really wasn't sure and basically identified as a butch lesbian and i never felt safe in a women's restroom or god forbid a locker room. In classrooms i always felt left out because the Cis women didn't accept me even when i was still considered a Cis woman.

As a Trans person (or really anyone who doesn't fit in the norm), you're constantly looking for the place you're supposed to fit only to be told you don't and it's harmful as fuck.

It's about time certain Cis women take responsibility for the harm they cause, instead of complain about the danger that exists only in their messed up heads.

[8-evil-annoying-catboys]

hmm. ive been thinking about this for a while. but i would like yall to understand that all transphobia is connected to misogyny. and not just in a “t/er/fs are misogynist” way, although that is true. but i need you to understand this: all trans people will be seen as inferior to cis people, and particularly cis men, by transphobes because of our connection to womanhood, whether it’s because of actually being women or because of being perceived as women by transphobes. for perisex transgender people (i know that intersex trans people face totally different struggles and i won’t try to do that justice here because i’m perisex and im posting about my experiences), it’s either going to be “you were born as what we perceive as the superior sex and have decided to identify wholly or in part with what we perceive as the inferior sex, which i see as disgusting and your intentions must be violent because why else would you choose to shed this privilege, therefore i am going to commit violence against you to protect myself/my loved ones from a nonexistent threat” or “you were born as what we perceive as the inferior sex and have decided to identify wholly or in part with what we perceive as the superior sex, which i see as disgusting but your intentions must be simply related to gaining more rights by being part of the superior sex, therefore i am going to be condescending and/or intimidating and commit violence against you to prove that you are still and will always be inferior.” and, for nonbinary people who have had access to hormones in a way where our AGAB is sort of debatable, sometimes the reaction to our existence will not even always be consistent with our actual AGAB; for example, i’ve been on T, and sometimes i like to wear dresses and skirts in public, and i have long hair. i get reactions that indicate that people think i’m a trans woman because my voice is low (and i have some facial hair and a strong jawline, but these are usually hidden by my mask), but i’m actually a transmasculine genderfluid person. i used to be uncomfortable with using public bathrooms EVER before T, and i still am usually uncomfortable in the men’s bathroom, but i’m completely terrified of using the restroom in public now if i’m dressing in a feminine manner, so i just don’t.

transmisogyny is real and i dont discount that. i know as well as anyone can without being transfem, that transfems are more likely to be seen by any transphobe as a threat and are therefore more likely to suffer violence because of it. but like…. transmasculine people aren’t suddenly exempt from misogyny the second we come out, either. ive seen a post defining transmisogyny as “where transphobia and misogyny intersect” and idk i just think that definition is moot because all transphobia boils down to is just misogyny. idk how i would define transmisogyny, maybe something like “the increased amount of violence in transphobia targeted towards transfeminine people and people perceived by transphobes as transfeminine,” but i know i wouldn’t define it as “where transphobia intersects with misogyny” because transphobia IS misogyny. it is ALWAYS misogyny. just because when it’s directed at transmascs it usually takes the form of “you’re inferior and will never be a REAL man like us superior folk (cis, white, het, abled men)” does not mean it’s not still literally misogyny. and i think that defining transmisogyny as transphobia that intersects with misogyny is giving it sort of a non-definition and harming the legitimacy of it more than it helps.

idk. like i said, transmisogyny is definitely real and there is a stark difference in how trans people are treated based on what their perceived AGAB is, and that’s something that all TME people need to recognise. but i think it does us all a disservice if we fail to recognise that transphobia and misogyny are intertwined at every point and are practically the same beast altogether. you cannot be transphobic without being misogynist. they go hand in unlovable hand.

[mosneakers]

the thing about morgyn transforming into a "biological woman" and it being a "curse" on them comes off kind of transphobic (as a trans person) and even if the curse is seen as a "good" thing idk its just uncomfortable. dont know if ur trans or not but if u arent then its good to be aware of these things.

Hi. Thank you so much for coming to me about this. Now that you brought this my attention I’m actually horrified that the story came across this way. I’m truly incredibly sorry, and that wasn’t my intention to do that. Fair warning, I’m going to be posting spoilers going forward, but I think this topic is far more important than the story, and I want to urge all the My Darling readers to continue reading this to the end despite the spoilers (I know it’s long but I have a lot of feelings about this) First, my intention was NOT to come across this way. I completely see how I did, though. My intention was actually to try to be inclusive and try to create a unique situation for Morgyn’s gender, other than just being cis or trans. I wanted to create a situation that made the reader think “how would I word this if this were me in this situation?” But it’s clear I failed. I know that gender is a sensitive topic for everyone and I tried my best to be delicate with it, while still answering all the questions everyone (readers and characters) might have. I also did my best to tag each post with gender and sexuality, just in case that topic is a trigger for anyone. Although Morgyn isn’t considered trans in this story, I still watched and read hours and hours of content online from trans people to make sure I didn’t say anything that might offend others, but as a human I made a mistake and I regret it deeply.

Morgyn comes from a magical background with a complicated family history. I made it way too complicated by using the term “biological woman” instead of just woman, because really it is the same thing. I know that. I messed up, big time. And I’m really sorry. Honestly, if I knew this would cause someone pain, I wouldn’t have written it. Now for the spoilers. So the curse wasn’t on Morgyn. Morgyn isn’t suffering and it’s not Morgyn’s punishment to be a woman. Morgyn *did* word it that way, yes, but later Coraleye speaks to Rosemary and Coraleye learns that the curse was actually Rosemary’s the whole time. The curse isn’t that Morgyn transforms into a woman once a month, the REAL curse is one that is self-inflicted by Rosemary, by having to live with her own guilt and internalized misogyny. It’s a curse she placed on herself by wanting Morgyn to change so badly that she willingly gave up her husband’s good looks just for Morgyn to become a girl. While she’s initially excited to have a girl, once she realizes the change is temporary, she’s more disappointed than before, and the monthly cycle of having her son become her daughter and then her son again makes the pain of not having what she wants worse over time, making her feel guilty for ever being disappointed that she had a son. Morgyn isn’t cursed, Rosemary is. (And Abel is also cursed for being the town flirt so his face becomes disfigured, which ruins his confidence since he relied on that face to be an emotional cheater, which teaches him a lesson about being self-absorbed or whatever) This realization then brings the family closer together as they learn to forgive and love each other (Much like you and I, hopefully🥺❤)

I want to be VERY transparent, at risk of making myself look even worse. When I first got this message, I was already having a crappy day (which doesn’t matter because my story probably made you feel 100x’s worse, I’m sure. Just putting that there so you know where my headspace was) I felt ANGRY. I’ve cut family members and people who I thought were close friends, because of their blatant transphobic comments. I’ve spent countless hours on facebook arguing with those strangers for suggesting that trans women should be forced to use the men’s restrooms. I am passionate about trans rights so seeing this message suggest that I said or did something transphobic shook me to my core. I was fuming. I started crying. (like, ugly crying) Then I almost deleted the entire tumblr.  Then I sat a while longer, and thought about the story. I completely see where I went wrong and I want to use it as a learning opportunity. 

I want to end this by saying that this is a place where I want everyone to feel safe and included, and as I navigate the storytelling world (I say storytelling because I’m FAR from a writer) please be easy on me when I make mistakes and help me learn how to fix it. I appreciate SO MUCH that you came to me and shared  your feelings, and I’d love it even more if you could help me fix this so you can feel comfy too 🤍 As for the story, I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’ve dedicated so much of my time and passion into this story so I don’t want to abandon it, but honestly I don’t know if I can mentally handle continuing this storyline (which is completely my fault I know) If you are trans or have a lot of trans knowledge, please feel free to message me and kindly teach me. Also include if you’d prefer that I don’t post your message publicly please.

[terfs-r-trash]

I've been reading through some terf

-blogs lately. I don't agree with the blatant transphobia, but the handful of blogs I looked at had basically three takes on trans people and gender (trans women can't talk about a lot of feminist issues because they were raised as boys and have different sex organs; gender is a construct and society would be better without it; lesbians shouldn't be told to sleep with trans women if they are only attracted to female sex organs). I think it's funny, that there are terfs with the exact opposite-

-views that apparently rely heavily on gender roles and stereotypical body image (cis women don't have body hair and can't be muscular). Meanwhile other terfs are out there reblogging pictures of butches who basically look like men. Do these different groups of terfs ever talk to each other?

--------------------------------------------------

Hey there, Anon

Even the TERFs with “opposite views” to the blatant transmisogynists are virulently transphobic and toxic. I would wager that the more “tame” blogs you’ve been perusing are a gateway into the more violently transmisyginistic TERF rhetoric.

The first point, “male socialization” as it’s called, has already been refuted and rebuffed numerous times. The gist of it is that, no, trans women do not have “male socialization” the way they experience gender, even before coming out and even before realizing they’re trans, is vastly different from cis men. There’s also the fact that even people with the same sex organs face different issues. Medical history, age, lifestyle, and so many other things can effect how someone’s sex organs function. Hell, white women are fighting for their right to sterilize, but there are plenty of groups of WoC fighting to NOT be sterilized, something they have in common with trans women.

When TERFs say, “gender is a social construct” they don’t actually mean they want to do away with it. This is one of the reasons I consider them reactionary rather than radical. What TERFs mean when they say that is that they want to do away with gender roles... but keep all the biological existentialism bullshit.  I saw a post going around from a TERF about a post-gender society. I can’t find it now, but the image was of two public restrooms: one with the venus symbol ♀ and one with the mars symbol ♂. I think that post really highlighted how TERFs don’t really want to see gender abolished, just replaced with a system which allows trans women and men to be grouped together.

That last thing is a huge topic in TERF circles. The thing is... no one is saying lesbians have to have sex with trans women? Heck, no one should be saying that someone has to have sex with their partners, regardless of either one’s gender or orientation. What TERFs have twisted so badly is simply us going, “Hey, maybe you guys shouldn’t loudly proclaim how you’d never date a trans woman out of nowhere. That’s pretty shitty and she’d probably not want to date you anyways.” along with, “There’s no way to know nor do you need to know that your partner is trans until/if you get in their pants; maybe not even then.” What TERFs seem to forget is that, what typically attracts you to a person isn’t their genitals. Like, I’m aro, so I’ve never dated anyone, but I usually don’t need to know what’s in someone’s pants before thinking, “Huh. Cute”. Trans women are a diverse group and plenty of them are attractive even by our western standards of beauty. I’m serious here: 1. People should think critically about why they are so adamant and also feel the desperate need to share that you won’t date someone of a certain demographic.  2. If you’re dating someone, sex is not something that will necessarily happen. Even if sex happens, it shouldn’t be any type of sex you’re uncomfortable with. This is true regardless of who your partner is.

So yeah, that last topic is a part of a huge disinformation campaign to paint trans women as predatory.

Even TERFs who don’t express “blatant transphobia” are dangerous. I don’t know if you actually bought into the claim that that’s something that’s actually happening that TERFs are rallying against, but that’s one of the reasons why they’re sometimes more dangerous than the blatant TERFs. I mean, if you see someone saying trans women are men and and perverts and should be locked up, then you’re gonna disregard them as a terrible human being (rightfully so). But, if you see someone saying that they just want “female-only” spaces for their comfort or because trans women just can’t understand what their going through? If someone says that they just want to abolish gender and trans women are upholding toxic gender roles? If they say they’re protecting lesbians? They say they don’t want women hurt by misogyny to be forced to identify as trans men or nonbinary to escape it? Well, Those all sound like pretty reasonable things. Maybe they’re right about some other things as well? Maybe I’ve just been seeing the wrong side of the movement? The context, of course, makes these statements a lot more insidious, but it’s not like they’re going to be putting a disclaimer on their posts when the entire goal is to get you to take them at face value.

(Also, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that butches “basically look like men”. I’m not a butch, however, but I’d just err on the side of caution)

[mindfulwrathwrites]

What Does Transness Feel Like?

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One of the most common gaps in understanding I see from cisgender (“not-trans”) folks is that they find it extremely difficult to conceptualize what transness even is. The frame of reference is simply non-existent, and this can make it very difficult to have empathy for the kinds of things trans folks go through on a daily basis. Common questions include: “How did you know?” “How can you feel like a different gender?” “Why does it matter so much what people call you?”

And I get it, I do. It’s hard to understand something you’ve never experienced. So, for the cis folks in my audience (i.e. those who identify completely with the gender they were assigned at birth), we’re going to go through some thought exercises.

I will also add this caveat: every trans person is different, therefore every trans experience is different. I can only explain from my own frame of reference and try to highlight the most common commonalities I’ve seen in the community. If you really want to “get it,” I encourage you to talk with a diversity of trans people—trans women and trans men, nonbinary trans people (masculine, feminine, both, other, none of the above), trans people of color, disabled trans people, Jewish and Muslim trans people, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of trans experiences that I personally don’t experience.

Example 1: Physical Dysphoria

Think of a close friend or family member whose gender is different from yours—for preference, someone close to your own age, like a sibling or a partner. Imagine you wake up in their body.

Take a moment to look at yourself from the first-person perspective. What do your hands look like now? When you look towards your belly-button, what do you see? When you look in the mirror, what kind of face is looking back? Remember that it’s your face, now, your hands, your body. What do you smell like this morning? What’s the texture of your hair, if you have it today? How tall are you? Will your clothes, the clothes you wore yesterday, still fit you? What does your voice sound like when you say good morning?

What are the differences between what you expect to see and what you do see? What if those differences are permanent? Is it okay if you can never change back, if you’re stuck in this body forever? Will you get used to it? Will you ever expect to see this new body, this new face, when you look in the mirror?

Would you try to get your old body back? How hard would you try? Why would you try that hard? If you couldn’t get your old body back, if your old body was gone (and the person you swapped with didn’t need theirs back), would you try to change the new one to be more like the old? What would you be willing to go through to have a body that almost fit, rather than one that didn’t fit at all?

In this example, the difference between what you see and what you feel, that mismatched expectation, is what lies at the root of my physical gender dysphoria. When you’re suddenly body-swapped, of course, you know why this body you’re in looks and feels mismatched—but imagine you grew up in that body. Imagine puberty, when these things that aren’t yours begin to appear in earnest. Maybe it would have been so wrong, so distressing, that you would have known right away why. Maybe you wouldn’t have. Maybe you weren’t aware that pain was not a normal part of growing up. Maybe you just didn’t know there was any other option.

If you grew up in a body that didn’t fit you, it might take you a long, long time to figure out why you were chafing. It might take some deep, rigorous soul-searching. It might take extensive discussion with other people who had the same problems and managed to figure it out. Many trans folks don’t figure out they’re trans until they’re adults, in their 20s or 30s or 40s or older, because they don’t have the frame of reference, either. Some never figure it out. I count myself lucky that I got there as early as I did.

Example 2: Social Dysphoria

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re pretty comfortable in your other-gender body for the moment. You’ve taken some time at home to get used to it, figured out how it works, and generally aren’t upset by it. You’ve accepted how you look and feel at this point, and you’re ready to get back out into the world.

Remember: you’re still you. Same name, same gender, same title and pronouns. Different body.

First question: how do you dress before you leave the house? Do you wear your clothes, or do you wear the clothes of the person whose body you’re in? Is it more important to match your interior experience, or your exterior appearance? If you dress in your clothes, will you be safe outside? Will you be laughed at, shunned, perhaps even assaulted?

Get dressed. You’re going to be late for work.

Let’s say you take the bus. Does the bus driver call you sir today, or ma’am? How do you feel when they do? Maybe it doesn’t bother you. Maybe you brush it off. You thank them—what does your voice sound like? Does it reinforce the bus driver’s choice of words? Does it match you?

Who do you sit next to on the bus? Who chooses to sit next to you? How do the other passengers look at you, and who are they seeing when they do? Are they seeing you, or just the body you’re in?

How did you dress this morning? Are you safe?

Let’s say you get to work with no further issues. Your coworkers call you by the name that goes with the body you’re in, use the pronouns that come attached. As far as they know, this is how you’ve always looked, how they’ve always referred to you. Do you correct them? Do you say, actually, no, today it’s different? If you asked them to accommodate you, would they? Would you feel safe asking them? Would you feel safe asking the same of your boss?

How do your coworkers talk to you? Is it the same way they’ve always talked to you, or are there subtle differences? Are you being taken more or less seriously? Who’s chummier all of a sudden, and who’s making you uncomfortable? Who are you making uncomfortable? Are you overreacting? Do you bite your tongue at the water cooler when somebody tells a funny story about you and six times in a row uses the wrong pronouns? Do you correct them when they introduce you to the new hire with the wrong name, wrong title, wrong gender?

All your documents, your email, the display on the phone, all have the wrong name on them, too. Does it bother you? Does it start to wear on you?

Breakfast was a few hours ago. Biology is calling. Which bathroom do you use? Which bathroom is it safe for you to use? Do you trust your coworkers? Do you really, really trust your coworkers? Or maybe you went out to lunch. There’s bathrooms at the restaurant, Men and Women. Which one do you use? Who will recognize you as belonging? Which would you be comfortable in? Where are you least likely to be assaulted or harassed? Where are you safe?

How did you dress this morning?

In this example, there is again a mismatch, but this time between perception and internal experience—for me, this is the root cause of social gender dysphoria. A trans person can be perfectly comfortable in their body when they’re alone, but inhabiting the social space of a different gender is, to a greater or lesser extent, distressing. It can be difficult to untangle social dysphoria from the fear of harm that comes with being trans in a transphobic society. Do I avoid wearing skirts because I don’t want to be seen as female, or because I’m afraid of being assaulted? I might like to wear a skirt, I might think they’re fun and comfortable—but I have a beard, broad shoulders and a square jaw, a deep voice. I am consistently read as ‘male’ when I’m out in public. Is it safe for me to wear a skirt outside? Is it safe for me to use public restrooms today? Whether or not I’m comfortable with my current presentation has an awful lot to do with who’s looking.

Example 3: Gender Euphoria

Maybe none of this is distressing to you. Maybe the answers to all of those questions up there are easy. Maybe none of it is a big deal.

But now, let’s say that after all of this has transpired, after you’ve been through a week or a month or a year of being body-swapped, imagine you wake up back in your body, just the way it was when you left it. All your scars in their places, every freckle right where you left it, your hair the right texture and your voice the right tone. Everyone uses the right name for you, the right pronouns, the right title. Maybe you’re absolutely elated! Maybe this brings such joy to you that you never, ever want to swap bodies again, even though being in the other body didn’t bother you at all.

This isn’t as a huge of a deviation from the trans experience as you might think—some trans people don’t experience dysphoria at all! And, in that same vein, some cis people do experience dysphoria—a cis woman who grows a beard may experience the same dysphoria as a trans woman who grows a beard; a cis man who is shorter than average may experience the same dysphoria as a short trans man.

Many trans people experience, rather than gender dysphoria, gender euphoria, where being in a body or a social space that matches their internal experience brings them great joy, rather than just an easing of pain. Even if there was no pain to start off with, occupying and presenting as their internally experienced gender, rather than the one they were assigned at birth, brings them immense pleasure and fulfillment.

Personally, I experience both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. Being called by the wrong name or the wrong pronouns makes me feel physically ill. I detest the width of my hips, lament my lack of Adam’s apple, and get an ache in my chest when I have to stand in a group of other men who are all six inches taller than me. I hated my breasts so much that I had them surgically removed (I try not to say “I had my chest fixed,” because it wasn’t broken, even though it was deeply, intrinsically wrong for me). But I love my voice, love how it sounds when I speak and when I sing; I adore the shape of my jaw and the way my new beard draws attention to it; there is music in my name today.

From the age of twelve to the age of twenty-six, I was never, not once, comfortable. Sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I wasn’t, but there was never a time when I was comfortable.

It took less than six months of hormone replacement therapy to fix that.

I can’t tell you what the Trans Experience is. There are as many trans experiences as there are trans people. I hope, however, that giving you a window into my trans experience has given you a little more perspective, a little clearer frame of reference for the next trans experience you hear.

Be gentle with people, stand up to bigots, and for God’s sake don’t ask anybody about their genitals.

[molsno]

I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

[my-darling-boy]

SO I’ve been getting people in my inbox asking me if I could explain the struggles of being trans. Obviously I’m willing to educate but there’s a LOT to unpack on understanding that, so to narrow it down, I’ll list things I or some trans people close to me have gone through to give you an idea of the difficulties. I obviously don’t speak for all trans people but as a trans man myself, I have Been Through Some Things

//Rape mention, self harm mention, suicide mention//

•When I came out at 14, I lost all my friends aside from one. I was bullied extensively behind my back. I was dragged to church by my friends who wanted to cleanse me of my “sin”

•I was the only out trans man in my entire school of 2000 students. I knew zero trans people. Everything I had to learn as a kid about being trans was done so entirely by myself. Additionally, the school’s Gay-Straight-Alliance Club kicked me out because I was a masculine trans man

•My parents lied and told me I had certain health concerns which would prohibit me from medically transitioning because they didn’t want me to do it

•I had zero support system. I almost attempted suicide at 14 and self harmed frequently from 13-18 years old

•Many trans people develop eating disorders; for a lot us, we feel we can avoid being misgendered if we look a certain way. It can be caused by depression or from a means of “controlling” something about ourselves when our lives are out of control; I developed anorexia at 16 and struggle every day with it still at 21

•I was constantly told by cis “friends” even cis LGBQ+ “friends” that I would never find anyone to love me because I was trans

•I should point out, I’m not trying to attack other cis LGBQ+ people, I’m trying to point out that injustices and bullying towards trans people happens WITHIN the LGBTQ+ community by cis members. As in, being gay doesn’t mean you’re immune to being a transphobe

•Starting at 14 when I came out, I was constantly asked about how I would have sex since I was trans by both adults and classmates

•I was preyed upon in high school by a guy who had a trans man fetish. The vast majority of trans people will experience a form of sexual abuse/harassment at least once from cis people. Trans people are sometimes seen by cis people as being part of a fetish or like a “sex toy”, thinking we’re just here for their disgusting kinks

•Kids in the hall would pass me at school and make comments like “is that a boy or a girl? *laugh*” or refer to me as an “it”

•There were so little resources for trans people where I lived that I became the trans man every trans person came to for advice meanwhile other cis members of the LGBTQ+ community had many friends to confide in. Trans people are often barred from being accepted into these cis LGBQ+ circles

•A trans man friend of mine, who was a minor at the time, was raped by an adult cis man in a men’s restroom minutes from where I lived. I refuse to use public restrooms due to this fact alone, no matter how cis I look when entering a men’s restroom

•In many places throughout the world, it is illegal to use the restroom of a different gender than you were originally assigned. Even just minding our own business and using the restroom is for some reason an issue among cis people. In one restroom I could be harassed and in the other, I could physically assaulted. Or arrested! Testosterone was the only way I could go into the men’s restroom without being preyed upon by cis men and even then, I have to wait for the place to be empty, even if it’s legal for me to be in there

•When visiting dangerous areas, I have to bind my chest for 12+ hours because I never enter a place where I can take the binder off. In a very conservative area that strictly prides itself in male/female cis people, trans people feel forced to make sure we LOOK either way or else we could be harassed/jumped, as there are places not far from me where non-binary/trans/trans-nb people will not venture to because it’s unsafe. It would be easy to hide I’m gay in a dangerous area, as I just don’t mention being gay, and you can’t inherently “see” as person is gay as it’s a sexual orientation. But in a dangerous area, if I say I’m a man and someone catches on to the fact I’m not a cis man, bad things could happen to me. (I’d like to add that the vast majority of trans hate crimes have been against black trans women and murders in general of trans people have skyrocketed in recent years. A vast majority of these hate crimes are committed by cis white men.)

•A lot of emphasis is put on cis appearances in the trans community, which isn’t always the product of just wanting to express yourself in ways that are traditionally cis. Sometimes we are put in certain situations where we unfortunately MUST look either strictly, stereotypically male/female in order to avoid harassment, and it’s completely anxiety inducing and/or degrading. Some trans people sometimes feel forced to transition to fit in, and a lot trans people are AFRAID to transition or dress without accordance to their original assigned gender because of how we are mistreated by cis people when we do so

•Touching on that, I have encountered people referred to as “transmeds” which are those trans men who think trans men must have gender dysphoria in order to be trans, or that you must want to medically transition to be trans; they commonly place stereotypical, often conservative and toxic, masculine requirements to be a trans man. Many trans men like myself speculate they are the reason why toxic masculinity still thrives like a disease among the trans community. Conservative ideals like this damage the trans community by asserting a trans person DOES look and act a certain way, which is an idea incidentally trans people strive to dismantle among cis people

•Since I’m a trans, gay man, not only can I be bullied by CISHET MEN but also CIS GAY MEN and additionally even other conservative TRANS MEN. If you’re a gay, bi, etc trans person within the LGBTQ+ community, you often face more types of discrimination than cis LGBQ+ people, especially if you are asexual on top of it all, like myself

•Trans people also often encounter terfs, cis “feminists” who believe trans women aren’t real women, and these individuals are found to confidently defend racist, N@zi, white supremacist, and other bigoted attitudes, so just..... gross people

•As a trans person, you’re sometimes made to feel as though you can’t be proud of yourself the same way you can be proud of being gay or lesbian. I’ve witnessed people praising someone for talking about being gay everyday while those SAME PEOPLE complained a trans person talking about being trans ONCE was “annoying” and just “ vying for attention”. Cis people, lgbq+ or not, are sometimes made so uncomfortable by trans people they think calling them annoying will silence them. It’s happened to me almost every single time I’ve tried to come out which is what ultimately led me to be ashamed of myself for many years

•Cis people can often be so unaccepting of our identity that they will intentionally not work on using our correct name/pronouns, withhold using the correct name/pronouns as a form of punishment, or go behind our backs and use the wrong pronouns/name because they don’t think it’s important. Cis people have the luxury of always having their name and pronouns as being a given, and those same people think we are so below them, they think they can choose when we do or do not deserve to be called what we should be called. Deadnaming/intentially misgendering a celebrity you don’t like or person you’re angry with is STILL transphobia

•Just recently, a cis manager outed me to my entire workplace as being trans. Outing someone as trans is VERY DANGEROUS. At the end of the day, you never know who that information could be passed to. Knowing that someone is trans is NEVER your decision to tell people, it’s their private information. If you out someone in a workplace environment, you can and mostly likely will lose your job. However inversely, it is still possible in some places to be fired solely for being trans. If I was in a bad part of my country, her outing me could have cost me my job. Every job I have held thus far has always ended with a cis manager not knowing how to keep their mouth shut about my gender.

Basically, trans people struggle everyday in a vast number of ways and the magnitude of their hardships often go unnoticed due to transphobes or uninformed cishet people trivialising or censoring trans voices. And these are just a FRACTION of things trans people have to deal with regularly. If you aren’t trans, you can’t claim to know what we’re going through. You can only listen to and be there for trans people, read their stories and experiences to be aware of their struggles and how you can make sure you aren’t creating an unsafe space for trans people.

~Terfs and transphobes do not interact~