#(<- my plans for our happy ending (if everything goes well. if not i'll be okay with t1000 because i don't have many resources left) and+

[adhdtsukasa]

as a tsukasa fan i will bang my head onto the wall and cry and whine if his focus is not a lim as a solo tierer i'll be forever grateful i am not ready for tiering cheerful carnival solo

[dilf-docs]

Le Pedí Al Mar Y Al Sol Que Te Trajera

pedro pascal x younger fem!reader

summary: vacations are supposed to be fun! and with a hot older famous boyfriend? now we're really talking.

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap (yum), pwp, p. in v., fingering, pussy spanking (ooc i'm sorry i just want a man to do this to me), creampie, virgin!reader (sorry if this is kinda unrealistic for a first as i too i'm a virgin; in the curb we all fam), aftercare, spanglish ofc!!!

word count: 2,865 words

side note: so, i modified the request a bit bc idk pedro's friends like that (i just know omar apollo can tower over me wait what). check the og request here. reqs still open as we enter 2025! happy new year, dilf town citizens: pushed this drabble last minute as a lil' gift for you before the year ends! :) thank u sm for being part of it, my journey on tumblr is just getting started!!!!!!!!!!

Hace tiempo que quería yo sentir esto que siento.

They say dating a star and having to share him with everybody else is the hardest part, but to you, it's having both of your vacations occur simultaneously.

Finally, after months of shooting so many projects for the next year, your boyfriend is free.

Vacations are fun! They're supposed to be relaxing, especially after leading such a busy life as yours: juggling between work, studies and a relationship with world-renowned actor, Pedro Pascal. Yet, you can't help but feel nervous, fiddling with the loose strands of your skirt.

Pedro wants you to go alone, which means just the both of you: a little escape before Christmas Eve, as he and his friends have already planned their holiday together.

Doesn't matter how many times you tried to excuse yourself, he was determined to make you go with him. Besides, let's get real: it's not like you can say no to him. So now here he is, both of your passports in hand as you both are ready to board your plane to Mexico, where the rest of his friends will meet you a week later. Yes, more nerves to add on the schedule.

"If you don't quit that shaking of yours, I'll extend our vacation two more weeks" Pedro threatens once you're seated, but it's devoid of any malice. He's a bit far from you (he also insisted on the VIP flying part; you're just fine flying tourist, but can understand why he isn't), so you can't count on his touch to comfort you. "Didn't know you were afraid of planes"

You sigh, "I'm not"

"Ay, cariño. Are you afraid of me then?"

"No" you laugh nervously. You are, but not for the reasons he thinks.

It's the very first time the two of you will be fully alone. For obvious reasons, a whole week at the beach is much more intimate than just the dates you've been in. But here you are, already seeing the sand and water beneath you.

"Like what you see?" he jokes.

"Yeah" you look back at him, sincerity washing over the expression on your face. "I do"

If there is one thing you're sure of, is your love for Pedro. You'll just have to wait and see how this goes.

As of now, everything has gone well: sun, water, diving and lots of new photos and videos on your camera roll. You've gone swimming and danced on the bar of the hotel you're staying, some extra drinks on your system. You've also sunbathed under the same sun you've watched go down, in the most beautiful sunsets you've ever seen in your life.

But here comes the hardest part: the night. Sharing a bed isn't hard: it's something that's happened before, one time even staying in his house for two days, all because he insisted.

This time is different: the way his gaze lingers over your bare legs, the same way he's looked at them when the droplets of water slide down them. The way he licks his lips, like he's starving and the most deliciously tempting meal stands before him. Mantaining eye contact like it's some kind of dare, just as he's done since you've landed, using it to disarm you little by little.

You don't think you can't take it anymore.

You lay down on the bed, and he leaves the book he's reading on the night table next to him, all his attention directed towards you. Yeah, you're afraid, he can sense, but apparently not that afraid to wear a dainty nightwear that gives a delicious peek of your breasts.

"Something you want to say?" you ask, almost daringly so.

"Say no" voice low, barely a whisper that could come across a breeze of wind entering through the open window as it stirs the courtains. "Want, yes"

You gulp. "What do you want, then?"

Shouldn't taken the bait.

"You" comes quick, like it's the easiest answer there ever is.

The rest of his answer comes in the form of hungry lips capturing yours, devouring them in a clash of desire against your own, even struggling to breath due to the animalistic borderline savage way Pedro's eating you out, his tongue battling inside your mouth while trying to explore every corner just to taste all of you on his palate.

"Pedro" you moan his name out when he bites your lip with a bit too much force, metallic filling your taste buds. It's all so hot, and you're too turned on to think.

His roaming hands itch to touch every available spot of soft skin your body offers, tracing first through your collarbones, and then leaving the task for his lips to complete. There goes a trail of kisses that go down your neck, teeth nibbling the sensitive skin until it turns red. You whine against his hold, big hands keeping you under him, back pushed against the soft mattress and silk sheets.

You gasp for air, lost in the fire, when suddenly his forgotten hands touch you down there.

"Wait!" you shout, mentally slapping yourself.

"¿Qué pasó?" he exclaims, scared. "Did I hurt you?"

"N-no" you're quick to deny, voice wavering as you seat up on the bed. Your cheeks soon flush, as there's regret when you say. "I'm sorry"

"Sorry for what?" he tenderly cups your cheek. "Just tell me what happened"

"What happened is, I fucked up the vibe. I'm sorry, P. Didn't mean to stop you like that"

"¿No te estaba gustando, cariño?" he's questioning again.

"No" your answer is more firmly this time. His face morphs into a bit of hurt, and then you think your answer a bit more. "Ah, no. I mean, yes! I was liking it. I meant no as in no, it's not that why I stopped you"

"Then, why is it?" he grows a little impatient, but shows no such thing, rather focused on helping you out. "You know you can trust me, right?"

"I know" you smile sadly, insecurities washing over you like cold water.

"Then, tell me" he scoots closer, his perfume getting in your nostrils. Had he wore it again for this? God, what an evil little horny creature.

"I'm scared" you confess finally, the warmth of his receptiveness giving you a sense of security. His brown eyes soften, and you feel tears brim in the corner of your eyes.

"I know" he repeats your words, kissing you softheartedly, nothing compared to as before.

"No" you look directly at him, ready to take in every reaction his face will have. "I don't think you do"

"Amor, por favor-"

"I'm a virgin" you cut him off, panic rushing your answer.

"You are?" almost immediatly, giving no opportunity for silence to settle in.

You nod, slowly.

He sighs, sounding relieved. "And here I thought you didn't love me. Que te daba asco acostarte con un viejo como yo"

"No!" you deny hastily, then laugh. "Of course I love you, P. On the contrary, I was the one scared. Don't want to fuck it up on my first"

The energy changes again, as a flame sparks within your orbs. He looks surprised.

"Just because I said-" he cuts himself off. "Look, y/n, mi vida. I don't want to force you, yeah? I didn't know you hadn't- Listen, if you aren't ready, I'll understand"

"I am ready" clear and convinced, without a doubt.

His eyes circle between lust and love, "You want me to be your first, mmh baby?"

You nod, and he's back at the kissing and nibbling on your neck and collarbones.

"Please say it"

"I want you, Pedro. Quiero que seas mi primera vez"

Those sweet words of yours, an invitation not even the strongest man could deny.

"Let's start slow, yeah?" his fingers travel down to your panties under the nightwear, removing them and tossing them out of the bed, even with your pout. He kisses it off, wasting no time after to see your clit exposed. "Looking so sweet, angel. And needy" he gets closer, taking a better look at the wet mess that coats in between your thighs. He takes a whiff, intoxicated with the smell of your arousal dripping in waiting need. "Tell me if this is okay, yeah? I'll stop if it hurts"

Your breath hitches the moment his middle finger touches your puffy clit. Pedro runs his finger up and down, not adding much pressure to let you get used to it (kissing and eating each other out was all you had ever done). You whimper at the feeling as he repeats his action a few more times.

"Please, keep going" you plead, barely managing to not squirm at the overwhelming new sensations that shoot right through your cunt.

He begins to rub slow circles, making sure to add the right pressure onto your clit, then circling it, all while keeping eye contact, adoring the new expressions and sounds he's getting from you. You realize and shy away, embarrassed all of the sudden at the way he looks at you.

"Don't" he holds you by your chin with his free hand, "I want to know how you look when I please you"

You whimper, letting him do his own thing. He starts leaving sweet little kisses around your quivering pussy, enjoying the sight of your hole clenching at nothing.

"Think you can take more?" he asks, "want more?"

Two of his fingers dive straight in between your folds, coating them with your juices.

"Good girl" he praises when you only yelp, savouring the new feel of his digits inside of you. Then, he drags his fingers back to his mouth, tongue licking them clean. "Taste so sweet too"

"N-need more" you whine, desperate beneath him.

"Yeah?" This your first and you're already this greedy? I think I can get used to it" he laughs in adoration. "Let's try something better, yeah?"

Your body suddenly jolts, his big palm flat against your pussy. Pedro circles his whole palm across your cunt, middle finger pressing tightly onto it. You moan, back arching at the overstimulation.

He feels a little pervy, enjoying the way your tiny young body squirms beneath his caging body for of him. Nonetheless, he continues to rub you while you release more dirty sounds cascading out fo your filthy greedy lips. Your arousal keeps dripping like a broken pipeline, now smeared all over Pedro's palm, filling the room with slippery sounds.

"Mhm" you can't even speak, the exquisite combination of pain and pleasure reducing you to a moaning mess.

Pedro slaps your pussy twice, wet smacks bouncing off the walls.

"That's my girl" he then gently blows on your swollen bud, pressing a light kiss on it after. "Ready for it?"

It meaning his hard tent hidden under his underwear. You gulp, afraid you might not take it. He sees the hesitation in your eyes, but you're quick to dissmiss it.

"Are you sure you are ready?"

"Just do it" you demand, without knowing the consequences of your words, or the effect you have on him. Overall.

With needy fingers, you're fast to strip him out of it, admiring the size as much as you admire his now sculpted body. Jesus, you could build a cult out of it.

"Now" he cups your cheeks, fingers digging onto the skin, "I want you to look at me when I fuck you, yes? Don't dare to look away"

Pedro positions himself between your legs, aligning himself with your entrance. Then, he thrust inside you, filling you completely. You cry, trying to adjust to his size while your nails dig on his broad back, as he claims you, makes you his. Only his. Pedro'hi's hips snap forward with precision: every thrust is deliberate, each movement calculated to make your first as pleasurable as he can, despite the pain that's shown in your tears or the little drops of blood that fall onto the sheets.

"Shit" he pants, "tendremos que pagar por eso"

He grips your thighs, holding you steady as he pounds into you.

"Fuck, you feel so good" he moans, your tight untouched walls now stretching to adapt to his girth, "like you were made for me"

You cling to him, legs wrapping around his waist as he firmly holds you. Your vision goes foggy, mind numb at the burning and pleasing sensations. Despite that and lack of experience, you meet his every thrust, your bodies moving as one.

Your core contracts around him with every motion. "You fuck me so good" you mewl, music to his ears.

"I know, baby" he chuckles, "sólo lo mejor para mi princesa"

Fingers dig into your skin as he guides you with precision, right as he wants you to be. You feel the intensity of his deep inside of you with every movement, his hot laboured breath against your ear.

"Doing it so good" his voice is low, almost a growl, sending shivers down your spine. "Just for me"

"Just for you" you mindlessly pant out, the sensation of having all of him inside you, nothing separating the skin from skin, igniting a fire that spreads through your core. Your breasts bounce with each motion, Pedro's eyes never leaving yours, dark orbs locked onto your gaze as you urge him to go faster, drawing in a sharp breath as your body adjusts to the new rhythm he's providing, rapidly obeying.

The room is quiet except for the sound of your bodies clashing onto one another, flesh against flesh echoing softly.

"Your body is perfect, so wet, so tight for me" His words send a wave of pleasure crashing over you, making you moan loudly, your head falling back, "me tienes loco"

Pedro's weight grounds you as he begins to thrust deeply, each movement deliberate and unrelenting.

"Tell me you want this, us" the words catch you off guard. "Will you take all of me?"

"Yes" without a thought or doubt, answering as you whine and clutch at his shoulders with his more urgent thrusts. "All of you, always"

You notice his hips snapping forward, more energy as he pounts into you. "Good girl" praising you again, voice thick in arousal and rough, "so good for me"

Despite being your first, you can feel what would be your orgasm building, closer and closer until there is no holding it back.

"Pedro!" you scream his name, body collapsing around him as you come, stars reaching your closed eyelids.

His movements become more intense and sloppier, breathing ragged as he chases his own release.

"Espérame. Stay there for me"

You cling to him, legs wrapping tighter as he continues to pound into you. "Ya casi" his thrusts become erratic as he nears his climax, "almost there, baby"

You feel his body tensing as he comes inside you with a deep groan, seed spilling into you without wasting a drop.

"That's right" whispers against your sweet neck roughly, voice breaking as he collapses over you, trying to level his breathing. "Eres mía, only mine"

You're whimpering, body exhausted from the whole session you had.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired" you sigh, "but I don't think I can walk"

"We'll get you a wheelchair someway" he jokes.

"You think is funny? Ruining my holidays?"

He leans down to press a sweet kiss on your forehead. "Come on, we'll get you cleaned up" you mumble out a tired no, but Pedro's picking you up with his strong arms, taking your body to the bathroom. You wrap your legs instinctively around his waist, face hidden in the crook of his neck.

"You know what? Your fans were right: you do have a slutty little waist" you mock.

"Right" he blushes, embarrased as he takes you inside the bathroom, then placing you on top of the toilet. "Open up, baby" he grabs some tissues, trying to clean up the mess you've made between your legs. "Así, justo así, bebé" he parts your hair to the side lovingly, fixing it for you before pressing a kiss on the crown of your head. "Done, my pretty baby, look at you"

You hum, eyes threatening to close.

"I see you're not an after-sex talker. Come on, I'll take you back to bed" he picks you up again, your head leaning against Pedro's V line as he caresses your head. "Hope you don't mind the smell"

"I love how you smell" you mumble out in a drunk like state.

"Okay then" he chuckles, "let's go back to bed" taking you out of the room, gently placing you the mattress. He then pulls a pair of fresh panties from your suitcase, dressing you in them. He coos at the sight of you, sleeping peacefully despite what you did before.

He finally lays next to you, lovingly lifting up your arm to put it around his waist. He pulls the sheets over your bodies to keep you both warm, in the chilly room thanks to the beach's air.

He feels you move, snuggling closer to his chest to seek warmth.

"I love you" whispered, not expecting you to answer or hear it.

When you snuggle closer, he's sure you do.

cr: divider @kodaswrld / gif @a7estrellas

[markymarkhoffman]

Mark I think the time has come. I think you need to catch Peter in a big box before he can leave you or get himself killed on the job. He's probably not thinking straight rn because he's been away and he doesn't take care of himself well, and that + the whole UTI situation could end badly. But if you catch him you can take him home and take care of him until he develops Stockholm syndrome realizes he never wants to leave you 🩷 Good luck Mark! We're all rooting for you.

Oh Thank you so much ❤️, i really want to do all that. . I agree i think i need a week with him and he might not be so happy at first but i think i could tame him 🤣 cause hes a wild animal 🤣 he knows im good for him thats why he keep s coming back again and again .

What if i submited vacation time.for him and suprised him with it ? I would drive him to my place (if we planned to do that first so he would not think it would last a week) . Then i would do everything i could to get him to stay

I would be so good at taking care of him he wouldnt even.notice the days going by. He can watch his baseball and i'll have it recorded and then i can put the tape in again and he will think he hasnt seen the game yet and he 'll stay and watch it while i massage his shoulders . And i'll do it for 7 days . I'll make different food every day because i dont want to just serve him reheated leftovers every day

When he wants to mess around with me , i'll get even sexier i will buy more toys and clothes for me to wear he wont want to leave me alone

If he lets me shower with him i can wash his hair and body for him because it s sexy

We wont even feel time passing i will keep the shades on the windows shut tight and hide my clocks and my hunk of the month calendar

It will be just us , alone together, for a week

And when it is done , i will wake him up and say "what a night . Are you working tomorrow? We barely get to see each other. Last night wasnt long enough." So he'll think he was dreaming .

When he goes to work he will be confused but he wont be able to stop thi nking of me so he visits me in my office and tells me he wants to come over again .

Then he will tell me he likes my outfit and i will thank him and wink when before he leaves my office.

I will wear something very nice when he comes over . A better suit than the one i wore to work

He'll be confused but he will begin to imagine our future wedding

And then he will rip it off of me with his teeth

[aradiaravenswood]

407 Days

407 days ago, I decided to write Harry Potter fan fiction after having not written creatively in over ten years. I took a couple of old scenes I had written that had never gone anywhere, added one scene from the perspective of Lucius Malfoy, and posted my first chapter on New Year's Eve, 2023.

407 days later, here we are. This has been an absolutely incredible journey, and I am so honored by the outpouring of support I have received along the way. I've found community here in a way that I was missing, and I can honestly say that writing restitution in absentia has fed my soul in a way that I didn't realize I had been longing for. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so so much for sticking with me, Ginny, and Draco on this journey. I couldn't have done it without you all - they've certainly grown throughout this story, and so have I, and I hope maybe you have too. Hearing people connect with Draco's and Ginny's emotional journeys warms my little therapist heart.

But don't worry - I'm not going anywhere. As you can see, I've created a series for this fic. Anise said it best in a comment last chapter - what happens after the happy ending, given how much these characters have gone through and how much they still have to resolve? Sometime in 2025, I will be releasing a sequel to this fic entitled "where the sky meets the sea." It will be much less of an action-based story and more of an exploration of Ginny and Draco's relationship. My working summary is: "In which Draco Malfoy goes to trauma therapy, as told by a trauma therapist. In which Ginny Weasley deals with the aftermath of accidentally temporarily becoming a god - oops. In which Draco and Ginny learn to love each other and lead fulfilling lives in a post-Voldemort world."

I don't know an exact release date yet, as I need to fully map it out and I am planning on working on some shorter projects first, but sometime in 2025 for sure - I recommend subscribing either to this series or to me as an author on AO3 if you don't want to miss an update! My pacing will also almost certainly slow down, as you've seen over the last couple months. I did the math, and I wrote over 50,000 words every single month of 2024 - very awesome, but definitely not how 2025 will look.

Again, I'm so honored that you've taken this journey with me, and I'd love to hear from you, either here, on AO3, or on Discord. Please check my AO3 profile for a link to it if you don't have it already. My Carrd is also linked there, where you can get a sneak preview of fics I have planned for this year. I'll also be updating my pinned post on Tumblr to better reflect everything that's on my Carrd.

I wish you well, dear readers - restitution in absentia is now complete.

[princelysnape]

u died (like right now. in this moment you're reading ts) and reincarnate in 1974 as a ghost that only severus snape can see; no one else can see you. you can hang around in his head and say stuff (but not read his thoughts). You cannot directly make him do anything. You also know you only have 5 years like this before you move to the afterlife.

Wyd.

The clothes you died in are also your forever ghost outfit.

the prince in 1974 (part one)

oh damn, i can't believe i died wearing a sweatshirt, shorts, socks, and messy eyeliner lmao

hmmm, let's see. first of all, i presume you're talking about the harry potter book series and not the movies, right? that's important to know because i know more about the books than the movies. then again, it's been a while since i last read the books too, which could prove to be challenging if i plan to change stuff. however, for the sake of realism and immersion, i'll just wing it with what i know now

and before we can actually start, let's establish a few things:

if i died june 20th, 2025, then it makes sense that i would appear june 20th, 1974, yes?

if i died exactly where i was, then i died in south america, brazil. literally a continent away—too far from our story

if i died at my precise age, then i died in my late 20s. specifically at 26. still very young

if i died right after this ask and knowing for a fact that this new reality will only last for 5 years, then i'm also already aware that i've been isekai'd to the harry potter universe

now let's take a look at my new reality. i'm currently a ghost who died at home after coming back from work, tired as hell and sleepy, all because of your dumbass ask lol. i would be pissed fr, but since i at least know what happened to me and where i am and when, i wouldn't panic so much. and since this whole thing revolves around severus snape and his future, it makes sense that instead of showing up exactly where i was, i would show up right beside him or close to his general presence. which implies that 1) my ghostly form (or soul, i guess) is tethered to his and 2) if he's the only one who can see me, then i'm not a regular ghost like moaning myrtle or even like peeves. the rules of this world don't completely apply to me

as for my location and surroundings... well, i saw this a little after midnight, so i'm probably standing in the middle of the empty slytherin common room. maybe there's a few students around, but none of them can see me anyway, so that's a moot point. but if i'm here, then sev can't be far away, right? and sure enough, there he is, sitting close to the fire, book in his hands, in all his fourteen-year-old glory, looking at me completely baffled. literally everything about him is screaming "what the actual fuck"

look, the thing is, i may not be the smartest cookie in the jar, but my god do i know how to work under pressure. i absolutely cannot talk to severus right now without some sort of plan or strategy, but i also can't leave him hanging there. it's important to show him i'm harmless, and hey, i've built a whole reputation on being disarming and unthreatening, so how hard can this be? so of course i just awkwardly wave at him like a total idiot

if it's even possible, he looks even more baffled than before, but he quickly checks himself. i believe sev is smart enough to immediately clock that i look completely out of place here. i'm obviously dead, too old to be a student and too young to be a professor, i'm wearing muggle, weirdly boyish clothes, and no one else seems to be acknowledging me, so neither can he without looking fucking crazy. he deliberately goes back to his book, ignoring the shit out of me. a good thing too, because now i have time to think about what the hell i'm going to do now

i mean, is it possible to change the future? do i even want to change the future? for all the tragedy and death that happened in the wizarding world, they had a happy ending (kinda). and who knows, in my eagerness to stop things from happening, i could accidentally change things so much that my knowledge of the future would be useless. and anyway, this is all theoretical if i can't make severus trust me enough to hear me out. if i try to simply tell him everything i know, he'll think i'm insane. or worse, he'll think he's the one who's insane, and i can't have him doubting his own mind. he needs to be sharp to protect himself against the noseless bastard. so i need him to take me seriously, and i need to prepare him for what's to come

so step one would be my backstory

i'm gonna have to lie to him. no way around it. i can't tell him i'm from another dimension or that for me he's just a character in a children's book—that's insane, and it would make him have an existential crisis. however, i also can't just make everything up. severus is young and nowhere near as sharp as his older self, but he's not fucking stupid. i think he would be able to tell if i bullshit him too much. and you know what they say: the best lies are wrapped in truth

if he asks, i'll tell him my actual name and general age ("more than 25," because i'm not sure if i'll need to lie about my age too). i was born on another continent, and that's why i don't sound like a british citizen or even an american one. i never went to hogwarts, and i'm from the future (also unspecified, one can never be too careful)

now this is where the lies start, because telling him i'm from the future is already a lot, i can't overwhelm him too much. so as far as he's aware, i'm just a muggleborn witch and i went to castelobruxo, so that's why my magical knowledge is quirky and spotty. i wasn't born in england, but i moved there as a young woman after living in the states as a teenager. i wasn't personally involved in the war because i went into hiding. my family was killed by the dark lord. i'm not completely sure how i died or why i'm stuck to him specifically. and the cherry on top: i knew him as an adult, and dare i say... we were quite close

why would i say this? because before anything else can happen, i need to establish myself as an ally and a trustworthy confidant. i worked with children long enough to know that they all crave the attention and emotional validation from an authority figure deep down. they're extremely mentally fragile and moldable, and severus is especially vulnerable to this phenomenon (look at voldemort, dumbledore, lucius, and hell, even lily, and you'll see where i'm coming from), and that's the path i'm taking. i think i can use this weak spot to my advantage and to further my agenda. now, i know this sounds awful, but five years is really not that much, and having a literal kid as my only asset will make things even harder for the both of us. besides, i'm not a complete piece of shit. by the end of our acquaintance, i promise his self-esteem will be much higher and he won't have to resort to the old fools for validation. i do think he's better off with me than without me. admittedly, i've never had a child before, but i can't possibly do worse than tobias and eileen

i'm not clueless though. with all my vague answers, and too-intimate knowledge about him, and the fact that i'm quite invested in his personal welfare, severus could very well trick himself into concluding we were once romantically involved and i just won't say so because he's too young now. i could play into that and leave it heavily implied that, yes, that's exactly the case. he will be much more likely to believe me if he thinks i'm acting in self-interest and not in some misguided attempt to be a goody two-shoes. it's an efficient tactic, but also, icky as shit, and it sounds a lot like grooming (not that my tactics have been very morally upright so far, mind you). and anyway, it would leave him even more open to this type of manipulation, which is exactly what i'm trying to avoid here

so i'll just... not. i can hardly control what he thinks, and it's normal for kids his age to have crushes on adults. but if he ever tries to tell me about his theory, i'm shutting that shit down. it won't do for me to become a second lily in his life, especially considering that i'm going to disappear in five years' time. he needs to form connections outside of me, outside of lily, and outside of the death eaters

oof, are you bored yet? lmao

if you're wondering, yes, i thought about all of this while still in the slytherin common room. crazy how much time i have now that i don't need to sleep

since i arrived june 20th, it's the end of severus' third year at hogwarts. in a few days, he'll be back in cokeworth. back to his personal hell, and i'll be right there with him whether we both want to or not. so i better start talking to him

i think it's better to corner him during breakfast. he'll be fed and calmer, and if we're in public, he can't snap at me without looking insane. so i just sit down next to him and start talking his ears off about nothing and everything, getting him used to me. predictably, he ignores me. his eye twitches a little, but otherwise, he doesn't acknowledge me. he's very aware that no one else seems to think this is weird or out of norm; like they don't see me at all. at this point, he probably thinks he's hallucinating this whole encounter or that the marauders are pranking him. either way, he can't suffer the indignity of a reaction

the next few days are spent exactly like this. i talk at him, he pretends he can't hear or see me, i follow him around the castle making little funny comments here and there to amuse us both, i make funny faces, i try helping him navigate slytherin politics (guess what, he ignores me)

i watch the marauders coming to bully him as per usual, watch him confront the marauders about their latest prank, watch the marauders being defensive and confused, watch him realize they really have no idea what he's talking about, and watch lily climbing onto her high horse about picking fights with them. they fight and then make up

the end of term is arriving and nothing truly gives. he's still not talking to me, but at least he stopped pretending he can't see or hear me. he seems weirdly accepting of my presence now that he knows i'm not some ploy against him. he raises an eyebrow every time people come and go without acknowledging me, rolls his eyes when i try to be funny, and sighs tiredly every time i open my mouth, but doesn't otherwise engage

after spending nights wondering what the fuck is going on with him, i believe he concluded that i'm hogwarts' new ghost and for some quirky reason i decided to pick on him and there's that—not a lot he can do about it. he reads some books on ghosts though, so i guess he's vaguely curious about this phenomenon (even more so when he notices other ghosts also don't acknowledge me), but not enough to actually talk to me

everything comes to a head in the hogwarts express

if he spent this whole time thinking i'm just a weird ghost haunting hogwarts, you can imagine his surprise when not only can i follow him inside the train, but i also don't feel any particular compulsion to go back to my supposed haunting place

(now, if i'm not mistaken, the reason why myrtle haunts the girls' bathroom is because she was previously haunting another hogwarts student, so the ministry had to confine her to a place instead of a person. but it is something that can happen)

after reading the books about ghosts, he's probably coming to the correct assumption that i'm actually haunting him, not hogwarts. and boy, is he pissed lmao

which might look obvious, but let's throw him a bone here. he has absolutely no reason to believe this random woman he never met in his entire life has a valid enough reason to be haunting him around. so finally, FINALLY, he confronts me. we're thankfully alone in the train compartment after lily goes to the bathroom because i don't think he would want anyone to see how angry and genuinely scared he looks right now. he asks me what the bloody hell i think i'm doing, who am i, why he's the only one who can see me, what did he ever do to me, why don't i just move on, this is ridiculous, etc

i'm actually relieved, being ignored was starting to get old. and here is where i start spinning my story: i tell him my name, explain that i don't know how i died, that i seem to be stuck to him for some reason (looking suspicious, so he'll start wondering if i'm telling the truth), apologize for the inconvenience and that i'll try to leave him alone to the best of my abilities if at all possible (i won't, but it serves the purpose of disarming him of his, admittedly, justified anger)

[kokonoiis]

negai no astro characters as song lyrics ♡ ( but its biased to my music taste ) ♡

hibaru yotsurugi ﾉ

" cause if boys will be boys, we do the best that we can cover for our brothers while we suffer from our own hands boys will be boys, that's the way that this thing goes mothers lose their sons and their fathers watch them go fathers watch them go "

── boys will be boys | benny

kongo yotsurugi ﾉ

" you can play this at my funeral tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad i'm in paradise with dad close my eyes and then cross my arms put me in the dirt, let me dream with the stars throw me in a box with the oxygen off you gave me the key then you locked every lock when i can't breathe, i won't ask you to stop when i can't breathe, don't call for a cop "

── r.i.p to my youth | the neighbourhood

shio yotsurugi ﾉ

" the power keeps you feeling high, but how low do you sink into your bed at night anchored down with guilt? do you toss and turn from all the bridges you've burned? or are you proud of all the hatred you've earned? a conscience buried deep beneath a heart stuck in a skeleton of greed and eyes that can’t see that happiness is so far out of reach "

── dark storm | our last night

satsuki yotsurugi ﾉ

" here comes the debt collector seems you owe him again dollars and coins can't cut your cheque this time around here comes the debt collector and you owe him again kind words and lies won't save your head this time around, 'round, 'round "

── debt collector | jhariah

( jasper i hope you can see the vision in this one )

torazo yotsurugi ﾉ

" you gotta feel the courage embrace possession if it was easier to shatter everything that ever mattered but it's not, because it's your obsession be a fighter, backbone, desire complicated and it stings but we both know what it means and it's time to get real and inspired "

── cut the cord | shinedown

kuran yotsurugi ﾉ

" i wanna be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust i wanna be your ford cortina i will never rust if you like your coffee hot let me be your coffee pot you call the shots, babe i just wanna be yours "

── i wanna be yours | arctic monkeys

kou yotsurugi ﾉ

" 'cuz you see only what you want to your tunnel vision haunts you and you can't see what's wrong and you keep sleeping through the p.m. eyes wide open when you're dreaming you're sleepwalking, just keep talkin and maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end no b plan in your system just tell me what you're thinking i'm scared that you might fall but you're not "

── wake up | eden

terasu yotsurugi ﾉ

" i've dug two graves for us, my dear can't pretend that i was perfect, leavin' you in fear oh man, what a world, the things i hear if i could act on my revenge, no, would i ? some kill, some steal, some break your heart and you thought that i would let it go and let you walk well, broken hearts break bones, so break up fast and i don't wanna let it go, so in my grave, i'll rot "

── revenge | xxxtentacion

kiyochika gido ﾉ

" you're cold on the inside there's a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart you draw blood just to taste it you hold bones just to break them you ruin everything you touch and destroy anyone you love you're all over me "

── dog teeth | nicole doppleganger

botan ﾉ

" it's so hard to let go you can hear me but i'm invisible but if you dig out your eyes, maybe pain will subside the worst that could happen is you never see me again but the worst is yet to come, my friend "

── hickory creek | whitechapel

shunichiro fudo & kanjiro fudo ﾉ

" two birds of a feather say that they're always gonna stay together but one's never going to let go of that wire he says that he will but he's just a liar two birds on a wire one tries to fly away and the other watches him close from that wire he says he wants to as well, but he is a liar "

── two birds | regina spektor

kinpa yobana ﾉ

" scared of my own image scared of my own immaturity scared of my own ceiling scared i'll die of uncertainty fear might be the death of me fear leads to anxiety don't know what's inside of me "

── doubt | twenty one pilots

──kokonoiis 2024

[uva124]

WRITING RANDOM IDEAS THAT I WANT TO PUT IN MY AU BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW OR I'M NOT SURE :D

1-Introduction of Haedus , Nembus and Naos:

See this I'm still debating on this because it's the first impressions of my main characters so it's very important, as I said my movie is not intended to be the best Disney movie that commemorates their legacy, no, I don't really have those intentions, in fact my intention is that it also looks like a parody like Enchanted but with touches of the “Princess and the Frog” movie lol, so the beginning I imagine it like the one in the enchanted movie, only Haedus is the “helper” of the random princess I'm going to put around, the little princess is like those classic ones (similar to Snow White), Haedus arrives as if she was a fairy godmother and helps our princess in her journey, we see that Haedus' personality is more joking and is even sarcastic with the princess in a mocking tone, but in between we can see that he is quite kind to her since well, he is literally fulfilling the role of “helper”, he is also accompanied by the two little stars Naos y Nembus and we can appreciate their relationship as brothers. Continuing with the story everything develops as a classic fairy tale, and in the end the prince stays with the princess and blah blah blah, only here comes the mental image that started this:

-Basically the princess and the prince start singing and dancing while the 3 stars watch everything, but Haedus is seen with eyes of boredom as if this is all routine, in even in one scene I imagine that the prince and the princess accidentally make the 2 little ones almost fall down (or something happens to them idk) and Haedus rescues them to proceed to look at the couple with eyes of wanting to kill them internally but tries to smile, and when already the musical number is going on too long, Haedus says:

“Yeah very nice and all, but you can finish now? we have to go -_-”

I'm still struggling to write this, because I still have to establish Haedus' past and how that explains why at the beginning he acts annoying with Asha and how he looks a bit uncomfortable or surprised to be helped for the first time with his siblings.

But with this scene I posit that in all the time Haedus helped the princesses, even though he and his little brothers do everything can to get her happy ending, they in the end seem to just forget about them when her find their prince.

I'm not sure about this either because I also don't want this scene to leave the message that “all princesses are only interested in getting a man” NOP, I don't want to give that message at all. So yeah, probably I'll deleted this escene.

2-The dynamic of Asha and Haedus (or rather their evolution):

This came to me mainly when I was watching tik tok and a scene from the movie “The Little Prince” popped up, and the dialogue goes like this:

“To me you are but a little boy among hundreds of thousands of other children, I don't need you and you don't need me, to you I am just a fox among thousands of other foxes.”

Later….

“For me you will be unique in the world, and for you I will be unique in the world.”

…..I'll probably have to watch the movie again or read the book, I'd really like to see if I can get inspiration from this.

3-Potential Angst:

You know the song “Monster” from the album “Epic the musical” ? well I plan to have Haedus be considered a monster even among the other stars of his world, and I also imagine a scene where either Magnifico and Amaya hurt Naos or Nembus in a SERIOUS way and just seeing Haedus say “Then I'll become the monster” just feels great to me you know?

Tik tok is giving me a lot of angst ideas, there is an audio from “The last of us” series where Joel loses his daughter and …….. do I have to explain how this can relate to Haedus and their little brothers Naos and Nembus?

[writeblrgarden]

PLANT GROWERS - MEET THE WINNERS - RAE

Meet Rae, who got third place in our grow a plant event in november! Rae goes by she/her, has a second degree black belt in kendo, and you can find her at @koala2all. She has been writing for about 30 years, primarily YA fantasy.

Tell us about the WIP you'd like to talk about today.

I'll be talking about The Pirate Knight. Being a pirate is all Nonie has ever wanted. Freedom, camaraderie, and a beautiful girl in port to welcome her back. But returning from a lucrative voyage, she finds her home in shambles and her bonny lass missing. Desperate to find her, Nonie makes a deal with the god of the sea. In return for helping return her lost love Nonie vows to become his holy knight, saving the weak and defending the helpless. Together with a cynical sorcerer, a naive orc, and an ex-girlfriend from a rival ship who promises not to rest until their mission is a success, Nonie sets out to prove that she can be a hero in time to save the love of her life. But when a world changing secret is revealed, Nonie will need the help of her friends to navigate the tempest.

Describe your writing process. Do you like to plan everything or are you more spontaneous?

I'm more spontaneous. I usually start a bit backwards actually. I know how I want a story to end, then where it begins, and the rest is a matter of figuring out how to get from point A to point B. Music plays a huge part in my process, as well. I often get inspired by a song for a set of characters or a situation, then I try to figure out where it can fit.

What have you found to be the most challenging and/or rewarding about writing?

The most challenging part of writing for me is that I often feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just kind of winging it, writing stories that make me happy about characters that I enjoy writing about… but up to a year ago I didn't know what a beta reader was. My background is in theater, so I know how to frame a story in three acts… but without the background in creative writing, the imposter syndrome is real!

Below the read more is more of our conversation with Rae

What inspires you to write?

Books were such an escape for me when I was little. All those amazing worlds and vivid characters really helped me through some tough times. And that's what I want to share with others. The world is a hard place right now. I want to give readers a place that they can escape to, with characters they can empathize with as they face trials and overcome them. And maybe take a little hope with them when they're done.

Share some advice for other writers.

The best advice I ever got was from a Terry Pratchett quote. He said, "The first draft is just you telling yourself the story." I am definitely the type of person who dreams of the first draft coming out absolutely perfect. When it doesn't come out that way, I can tend to get a little frustrated. But after I heard this quote, I realized that the first draft is going to be rubbish. That's okay, and that's what editing is for. First, I just need to tell myself the story.

What do consider your writing strength?

Dialogue and worldbuilding are my strengths, for sure. I have such a strong sense of the world my characters find themselves in. My favorite technique is to not explain too much to the reader, but let them come across the world naturally as the characters navigate through it. It's my favorite way of experiencing the world of a story! Dialogue writing is so much fun. I love bantering with my friends, and imagining the banter between two characters is just as entertaining. I myself am a bit snarky (in a delightful way, of course) and that tends to make its way into at least one of the characters speech patterns.

What has been the nicest compliment you've received or what has been the toughest criticism you've received?

When I finished my first novel, I sent it to a knitting acquaintance of mine who happened to be a book reviewer as well. It was nerve wracking, since I had only let friends and family look at any of my writing before, but I had dreams of publishing and wanted to make the story as good as I could before I started sending it out. Her review came back glowing. Four out of five stars, and compliments about the worldbuilding, the characters, the plot, the dialogue. It was such a good feeling!

What do you love the most about writing?

My characters, and sharing them. I love making characters… ever since I was little. I get such a kick out of giving a character a backstory, and then seeing how they grow through the course of the story. Sometimes they really surprise me! And seeing them become important to the readers is really exciting, too!

[lamonnaie]

📓

ooh ty for playing anon 🫶

Put "📓" or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I'll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven't written but daydream about!

recently been thinking about what saintshin would do if the other died, which led me to plan out a whole our skyy-esque 2-ep special based around it (it's not what you think it is ahskdfjk, don't hate me until you've read til the END ty <3):

Ep 1

Set 3 to 4 years post-canon, ep 1 starts with saintshin in university, they're properly living together, they finally got their shit together and are dating now, and overall everything is going great and they're just really happy.

It'll be set towards the end of their uni days, so maybe they started off sharing a dorm but they've moved into an apartment together now. It's small, barely enough room for all their things, but it's enough for them, to have a place of their own, a shared closet, matching mugs, a bed they bought together (one of their first purchases)

Of course they still have issues in their lives, maybe Shin's struggling with his soccer career, maybe Saint's trying to balance work and uni now that he has the motivation to actually put effort into his studies, but they go through everything together, and the ep just gives us an insight into the domestic lives of saintshin <3

That is until saint gets into an accident, maybe while he's on the way to pick up Shin after training. Half an hour passes and Shin's a little annoyed that Saint's late without warning him, and then an hour ticks by, then two, and Shin's getting more and more panicked, calling up everyone he knows, trying to figure out where the hell saint is.

And then in the last couple minutes, Shin picks up a call, we don't hear much of it (neither does Shin), but we do hear something along the lines of "Khun Thamnitit Nitiroj was in a fatal accident earlier tonight. We're sorry to say that he didn't make it." (yes shin is his emergency contact)

The ep ends with Shin dropping the phone, tears already streaming down his face, looking absolutely devastated. (you already know nani would eat in this scene)

Ep 2

Ep 2 is set 4 to 5 years after ep 1 ends, Shin's given up soccer (what's the point when Saint isn't there to cheer him on), and now he's doing a job with the degree that was only ever supposed to be a backup

He's going about as well as you would expect, basically a shell of his former self, just going through the motions. He puts up a facade, and to an outsider, he would seem normal enough, maybe a little stoic (but nothing too out of the ordinary for others, for the people who didn't know him before, didn't know him with Saint)

On Saint's death anniversary, Shin's friends bring him to hang out (they truly just want to help, make sure he's alright), but one of them (he's new to the group, a friend of a friend, Shin thinks) lets slip a random comment about moving on and trying to live normally.

Shin's angry about it no doubt, a million things he could say, but in the end he doesn't blow up, instead just resigns himself to their ignorance, knowing they'd never understand

Something something Shin had lost the fight in him when he had lost Saint

He goes home that night to have dinner with his mum, who's remarried now (he's kind and treats her well, Shin's happy she's found someone)

Shin's mum understands why Shin is the way he is now, and she doesn't try to tell him to move on, but he's heard the hushed conversations she's had with his step-dad.

His mum tells him to stay the night, Shin declines, wanting to spend the night in his and Saint's apartment (it doesn't matter how long it's been, it'll always be their apartment). He works now, and he could afford a much nicer place than what their uni budgets could afford back then, but he refuses to move out, all the memories of Saint still occupying the rooms.

And really, despite how he makes a decent amount now, he seldom spends it on himself. (what's the point if Saint's not there to share it with him?) He's paid off Saint's dad's debt, sponsored all of Chingching's schooling, he'll buy his friends things, he sends his mum money as well to make sure she's always comfortable. What little he keeps for himself, he spends on the bare necessities.

Once he heads out, hugging his mum goodbye, he goes to visit Saint's dad, who might be the one other person who understands even a little bit what he feels like.

Saint's dad had fallen off the deep end for a bit after Saint had passed, but Shin had made sure to visit everyday, one of the many promises he and Saint had made to each other, that they would take care of their parents. Slowly, he'd gotten himself back, for the sake of Saint, who was gone, for the sake of Shin, who was here.

He had expanded the noodle cart into an actual stall, a small place near the river, and things were going better for him too (Still, he never could bring himself to give up the alcohol)

So he and Shin sit there wincing through cans of cheap beer (neither of them liked it that much, but it had been Saint's favourite back on their uni budget, which meant they both always had a fridge stocked with it), reminiscing on memories, all the little moments through the years that neither of them wanted to forget

(If they were both crying by the end of it, well, no one else would know)

Shin would head out a bit after, not before hugging Saint's dad tight, telling him to stay strong, to keep going, for Saint (everything he did was for Saint anyway)

As Shin's walking back to the apartment (he chooses to walk, even though it's over an hour's walk, but he needs to clear his head), he calls Chingching, who's studying abroad - she sounds happy, tells him about how good things are going for her.

(Chingching knows what day it is, of course she does, and she misses her P'Saint so so much as well, that was her brother goddamnit. But she sees Shin's red eyes, and the dried tear tracks, and decides not to make things worse for him. She ends the call telling Shin how much she loves him, which finally brings a smile to Shin's face as he returns the sentiment.)

As he gets back to the apartment, the rooms dark the way he had left them, he can't help but feel a little suffocated. He blindly grabs for Saint's shirt (he's memorised exactly where in the apartment he's stashed various Saint memorabilia) and heads out again.

This time, his feet guide him on a familiar path back to the Siamwit campus. Kru Jan had kept teaching after them, and was now the principal herself. Of course, she had been devastated herself when she heard the news about Saint, and had been more than welcoming to Shin when he had periodically come back to the campus in the years after, wanting to just remember the familiar places he'd spent so much with Saint.

So maybe he was betraying that trust a little by coming here so late at night, the years he'd spent here having ingrained into his brain all the ways to sneak in and out.

He finds himself back on the rooftop, the place he and Saint had spent so many hours, fighting and reconciling and fighting again in those first few months after they'd reunited. After that, it had become like their own hidden place, so many classes skipped and afternoons spent sat here, side by side.

Shin sits down on the edge of the rooftop himself, reminiscing on all their memories there, and then everywhere. He finds himself talking aloud about it, glimpses of Saint coming and going as if he's imagining him there.

It starts off quite light, Shin's laughing as he remembers all the times they were goofing around, but it doesn't take long until he's outright sobbing, gripping onto the shirt as if it's the only thing holding him together, the threads already coming apart, worn away by the years that had passed (just like him).

And then - "I love you, I miss you."

And he jumps.

EXCEPT, just as he jumps, Saint's voice comes through "Shin! Shin!"

And we're back to real life, Saintshin are uni students, they're laying side by side in bed, in their apartment.

It had started as an innocent enough question, the two of them cuddling in bed after a long day, exchanging hushed whispers about anything and everything, when Saint had randomly asked, "what would you do if i died?"

And the whole 2 eps (except for the first part of them being happy and domestic in uni) were essentially Shin narrating his answer, and ultimately getting kind of carried away, the tears in his eyes clear evidence of it.

But now, Saint is also tearing up from hearing it, refusing to accept that Shin would end his life just like that, insisting that Shin needs to live.

"How can I live without you there?" Shin says, so heartbreakingly earnest. He wasn't often like this, so loud with his words, but the late night, the quiet atmosphere with just the two of them, the too-vivid images of Saint being gone still fresh in his mind, were enough for this side of him to come out.

Shin explains how he'd have a duty to make sure his mum and sister are comfortable, to make sure Saint's dad is going well, so he would stay around just long enough to make sure that's the case. But any more than that, he's not sure how he would cope.

Saint still can't accept it.

So Shin counters with, "Well then, what would you do if i died?"

Saint doesn't even pause, "I'd die with you." "Huh?" "I don't have anything else to live for without you."

And if Shin wasn't already crying before, he certainly would have been now.

"Idiot," he says through teary eyes. "Saying that I can't kill myself, but you can?" And despite everything, that makes Saint laugh a little as it dawns on him. "Let's just promise each other that we'll try our hardest to stay alive, okay?" "Okay." And they fall asleep like that, intertwined in each other's arms, dried tear tracks on both their cheeks, but soft smiles still on their faces as they remembered their promise <3

BYEE this got so long ahjskdjf, basically the whole fic right here 😭😭 i'll probably never write it tho because i'm not the best with longer fics, but i have spent a lot of time thinking about it ahskdjfk, my ideal hsf special eps :))

Put "📓" or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I'll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven't written but daydream about!

[jenna12381]

Thieves In Time Redux: Rewriting Episode 1

Listen to Toad Town - Ghost Town while reading this.

Tutorial (Episode 0): Here

Episode 2: Here

Turning Japanese was a bit of a weak link for Thieves In Time. Let's see how Penelope's inclusion in my rewrite improves things...

"What was she supposed to tell the boys? They'd never forgive her!" (the opening line for Chapter 7)

Now, as you might remember, Penelope is stuck on this time traveling journey against her will. What would she be doing during her time in Feudal Japan?

I think I'll have her doing her tasks to avoid looking sus. That, and searching for evidence that Le Paradox can be trusted...

Apart from that, not much would change from canon. That said, I don't want to leave our heroine with one mission (that being Tiger Tail), so I gave her another assignment: Something's Fishy (though it's officially assigned to Bentley instead of Murray).

Bentley doesn't assign her to this mission, but she still shows up anyway.

"It's been a long time since we went fishing, Bentley. I''m excited!"

"Well, this is no vacation, Murray. We need to help Rioichi get back on track as a sushi chef, and what he needs most right now is fish!"

"I get that and all, but... *looks in Penelope's direction* What's Sis doing here? *Bentley also looks in the same direction*"

Bentley is obviously worried about her showing up unannounced, but happy she came.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Something's Fishy now opens with a Protect Bentley segment, rather than hacking. The player, controlling Penelope, will need to do this with Murray for two minutes.

Our heroine might not exactly be on the heroes' side, but nobody touches her turtle except her.

Unfortunately for our heroine, Bentley ends up seeing none of those guards get clobbered into next week. When he sees the aftermath, he assumes Murray did most of the heavy lifting. In reality, though, Murray and Penelope each took out half of the guards.

Penelope is disappointed that Bentley couldn't see her in action. After Murray tries to cheer her up a bit, the mission continues.

Inside, Murray tries to open one of those closed gates... and tries. No dice. Turns out it's locked tight.

Penelope examines the locked gate, and the lock turns out to be one of her designs. She could open it easily... or pretend that it's hard to crack. She uses the opportunity to send her car to do a little snooping around, though she ends up finding nothing other than some guards badmouthing Le Paradox. Then she unlocks the gate for Murray. Cue the applause.

The rest of the mission goes very much as it did in canon.

...Which leads us to Pretty In Pinker (now assigned to Murray).

Yes, this means we will have to deal with Madame Murray... I'm not looking forward to writing anything relating to the geisha house...

Speaking of which, I think I will have Penelope involved in Pretty In Pinker after all...

I still don't know exactly what she'll do in this mission. But if I could crack this vanilla game wide open, I'll find some way to make this mission a little less cringe.

The next major change happens in Tiger Tail, which is now assigned to Penelope.

Bentley naturally shows up to keep an eye on her when the mission begins.

You'd think that Penelope would then tail El Jefe with her car, but... she convinces Bentley to do it instead.

Penelope has different plans. She's still searching for evidence that Le Paradox can be trusted. So... she sends her car into the geisha house to do some more snooping around.

Unfortunately, all she finds is more of El Jefe's men badmouthing Le Paradox.

She's disappointed that she got nothing. Good thing Bentley's there to cheer her up. He's still in the dark, BTW.

Everything beyond that remains mostly the same until Altitude Sickness.

Altitude Sickness starts off mostly identical to canon, only with Penelope now joining the boys and Rioichi.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to include Penelope in the final mission. Then I watched it in vanilla, and it hit me. I needed her to run off on her own towards the blimp, which will set up her role in El Jefe's boss fight.

Le Paradox's blimp, if you'll recall from canon, made its first appearance during Altitude Sickness. I'm sure I don't need to explain why Penelope would want to go there.

I should also remind you that Penelope's blueprints for this blimp were indeed stolen, and whoever did it most likely just copied and pasted her homework.

The bridge brawl now requires the player to defeat 25 enemies rather than 15, since you (Murray) will be working with 3 CPU allies (Sly, Bentley, and Penelope). Rioichi's section is identical to canon.

It's shortly after the bridge brawl that Penelope makes her move... and jumps off the bridge.

Nobody notices she's gone until after Sly goes off to chase El Jefe. It's Murray who alerts everyone. He counts everyone present, and... I'll just let the big guy speak for himself.

"One... *counts Bentley* Two... *counts himself* Three... *counts Rioichi* Fou-- *begins to count Penelope* Sis? *notices Penelope has gone missing* Sis! She's gone!"

You can imagine how much Bentley would freak out upon hearing that come out of Murray's mouth. But let's just say Penelope's going to be torn a new one when she gets back.

The El Jefe boss fight is mostly identical to canon... at least during the first half.

At some point, however, Sly finds himself in a bit of trouble when he's cornered by our Villain Of The Week.

Here's where things get a bit interesting. Penelope, who happens to be running nearby, sees Sly in trouble. She's got a decision to make. Does she keep going, or does she help Sly?

Spoiler alert: She does the right thing and helps Sly with a little aerial support, yeeting one of El Jefe's swords away. Why does she do this? Well... she's not sure herself.

My full rewrite will elaborate on her reasoning.

Sly is quick to see she deliberately ran off, but he's got no time to be mad at her. She did end up saving him, after all.

"I'll save your reaming for after we take this guy to school!"

Yes, you would get to control the chopper during the above scene.

After the boss fight, Penelope is, as expected, scolded for running off (mostly by Bentley). And mostly let off the hook for helping Sly.

We've now reached the end of the episode, but one thing I neglected to mention is what changes about Rioichi.

Rioichi is mostly left unchanged, though he, being fairly spiritual, notices that Penelope has a powerful darkness within her... and also an equally powerful light. And those forces are at war with each other. He mostly keeps this to himself, not wanting to alarm anyone.

All of this sets the stage for Episode 2: Go West, Young Raccoon. See you then.

[shedoessoshedoes]

i'll sing her my songs, i'll stay through the night.

HAPPY NESSIAN WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't think I was going to have anything to post (and I haven't posted fic in like a year oops) but I hope you like this one for Song Association! Inspired by Taylor Swift's surprise songs and Peter Sun's song "First of July." Enjoy, and let me know what you think!!

@nessianweek

also, I have an ao3 now (YAY) sooo read on ao3

warnings: some language

word count: 1.3k

“Alright, alright,” Cassian chuckles as he works to calm the crowd down. It’s a packed house tonight, and they’ve been rowdy since the boys took the stage. “Welcome to our acoustic set!” The crowd goes wild at this: the Bat Boys have been adding in surprise songs to their set since they started performing, and it’s become a major draw for concerts. They rotate picking a song each show, and there are no rules on what that song has to be.

Azriel tends to pick slower, indie songs, and their fans adored his version of ‘Next to You’ by John Vincent III so much they ended up releasing it as a single. Rhys picks classic rock more often than not, and Cassian has the most variety: everything from ‘Let’s Talk About Sex,’ to Hozier’s ’NFWMB.’

They’ve played unreleased music, fan favorites that don’t fit into the typical set, covers of nearly everything, and, most memorably, have dedicated some of their favorite songs to their girls. Rhys’s picks are always overly sappy songs for Feyre: his performance of Frankie Valli’s ‘Can’t Take My Eyes off You’ was particularly iconic as he reenacted Heath Leger’s 10 Things I Hate About You dance. Azriel brought Elain out one night and perched her on a stool next to him while he covered Gregory Alan Isakov’s ‘Big Black Car’ for her. Cassian’s dedicated songs to Nesta, of course, but since they decided to keep their relationship private, he’s never acknowledged her officially before playing a song. Until tonight.

“So, y’all are especially lucky because it’s my turn to pick the surprise song for you tonight, and we have something extra special for you.” He sits down on the stool the stagehand brings out and slings an electric guitar over his shoulder as he sits. “I don’t know if any of you saw, but I actually got engaged last week.” They’d announced it with a picture of Nesta’s ring on his Instagram, the only caption a white heart. No tag. The public knew Cassian was seeing someone, but they didn’t know who she was. Didn’t know she was Feyre and Elain’s sister, and had no idea she was in the crowd tonight. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to play a song I wrote for her.” The crowd goes wild, and Cassian grins.

“It’s the first time we’re playing it, and she hasn’t even heard it yet,” he chuckles. “She doesn’t know I wrote it, either.” The crowd oooohs in response. “It’ll be out at midnight tonight, so you can listen to it again, if you’d like. It’s called ‘First of July,’ and I hope you like it. Nes, sweetheart, I hope you like it, too.”

He starts playing, simple chords on the guitar filling the venue.

I know that she loves me. I know that she loves the mountains more. Sun on her shoulders. First of July.

In the crowd near the stage, Nesta is standing, awestruck. She had no idea he was planning this. No idea he was even writing a song, much less one named for the day they met, and to spring it on her like this, well. She was probably going to cry. He did that to her. Made her express how she felt a little more honestly than she ever had. She stares up at him as he continues to sing, hand over her mouth.

You can’t tell her one thing to do She pushes your limits, she makes her own rules She’ll lift you up just to let you down, But she’s honest, she’s kind, she’s like no one around.

I’ll sing her my songs, I’ll stay through the night, With her in my arms, with her at my side So tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll make it right.

”Fuck,” she whispers, reaching blindly out for Elain or Gwyn’s hand. “I didn’t know he was doing this.”

Feyre laughs. “Rhys says he’s been planning it since you met.”

“Shit, Feyre, don’t tell me that. I’m already a mess.” Gwyn wraps Nesta up into a hug. Emerie gives the group of them a knowing look from where she plays with the boys on stage. Cassian is looking determinedly down at his guitar, and Nesta knows he’s nervous about what she thinks of this.

I know that she’s happy. I know ‘cause she’s humming while she eats At the counter Twelve o’clock noon

I know that she’s happy. I know ‘cause she’s reading me her stories. That she writes They’re not the ones she hides.

Nesta laughs wetly as Cass launches back into the refrain. It really was about her. About her schedule when she was on a deadline, and the songs she would hum when they wiggled their way into her brain and she couldn’t get them out. About the stories she read to him, and the scenes she hid because they may have been inspired by certain activities and she didn’t want Cassian getting too much of an ego, even if he was sure to read them once the books came out.

I’ll sing her my songs, I’ll stay through the night, Dear honeybear, love bug, sweetheart of mine.

She starts crying, then, because he hasn’t called her any of those names since they first started dating and determined ‘sweetheart’ was the only pet name she could stand. He really had been thinking about this for the whole time, then.

I know that I love her. I know ‘cause there’s nothing else I want.

Cassian finishes the song to raucous applause, and Nesta’s already sure it’s going to top the charts by the end of the week. He starts to get up and adjust for the next song, but she needs him to know she loved his gesture. That she was okay with it. “Cassian!” she shouts.

His head whips up, attuned to her at all times, even in a space as loud and chaotic as this one. When he sees her smiling despite the tears running down her face, his expression softens into a smile she knows is just for her. She waves him over, and he turns to gesture at a security guard. He looks back at her his face clearly asking if she’s doing what he thinks she is. She nods, and then follows a security guard up to the stage.

Cassian meets her at the top of the stairs. “You sure, sweetheart?” Nesta nods. He laughs, once, a joyous, hopeful sound, and kisses her. The crowd goes wild, and he’s sure the his brothers and the rest of his band are cheering too, but all he can see is Nesta. He pulls away from her to bury his head into the crook of her shoulder, and presses a kiss to her neck. “Love you, love you, love you.” He mumbles, and Nesta pushes him up and away so she can look at him.

“I love you too, you idiot. Go finish your show.” He laughs and pecks her nose.

“Nesta Archeron, everyone!” he shouts into the microphone, holding her left hand up so the camera can zoom in on her ring. “Also known as the love of my life.”

Nesta laughs, and he kisses her one more time. “See you after?” he asks.

“You always do. Break a leg. Don’t bring anyone else up here.”

“Never. It’s just you, Nes.”

“I love you, too, Cassian.”

He goes back to his set and Nesta watches the rest of the concert from off-stage. They finish and bow, and Nesta already knows there won’t be another show like this any time soon. She takes a picture of Cassian running back to her as he comes off stage, takes a deep breath, and posts it on Instagram. The caption reads: ‘@batcassian i guess the secret’s out. i love you.’

Cassian changes his Instagram handle to @cassianarcheron the next day.

[crmsnmth]

A Letter to Someone I'll Never Talk To Again: Part One

Dear "Muppet"

Most people start off a letter by asking how you are, but I don't want to waste words on something that doesn't affect my life. I hope you're doing well, but it's really none of my bsiness in the end. I wish like hell that that wasn't true, but wishes are for wishful thinking. You know me, always the life of the party.

I haven't changed all that much since our time. Okay, that's a lie. I've changed a lot. See after you left, and everyone watched me go down, I vowed to change. That I would someday change back into the person I was at my happiest. I thougth that's what mattered, being happy.

The problem with this fool proof plan was that I was a fool with guesses. I was at my happiest with you, so that means I'll never be that person again. That person is officially dead and buried and his rotting corpse is why my breath stinks to badly in the morning. It leaves a foul taste too.

I knew you were with him during the last month of our relationship. I always wonder if you ever figured out that I figured it out, playing Sherlock Holmes but with a far less interesting story that you already know. I knew he was there while I was at work. And I bit my tongue because I loved you so much. I loved the person I had fallen in love with.

That person I fell in love so deeply with, was different than the one you were at the end. And I guess that's kind of a given fact since you were fucking someone else while we were in our relationship. I've had some bad relationships, the one after you especially difficult, but one thing i can say is that I've never once cheated on any partner I've had. Even if I wanted to, I never did it. Not even has payback. I didn't really give all thought about it.

Why would I? It never mattered what you did. From the very first time you stepped into that bar to the very last time you walked away from me, I knew I was yours. I was yours and I would do anything for you. So I even forgive you for all of this stuff too.

That doesn't mean I wasn't a problem too. I was caught in a delusional world I had built in my head, and I wouldn't get out of it until you left me. I think that was the shock that snapped everything into place. The catalyst, you could say. I was a liar and a con artist with the charisma of Charles Manson. I could get anyone on my side before you. I used those skills. I did it constantly. Tell a lie, something so far off and unreal that was obviously lie, and I'd wait for sometone to take the bait. Once they took the bair, the game was on and I ould try to convince someone that I was right, even when they knew I wasn't. It worked more often than not, and looking back, that frightens me so much. I was so good at it. Either that or everybody was somehow in on the joke. I did it too twice that I can think, but that number should be higher.

I really lost it after you left. And you saw it. The last phone call I ever got from you was the morning after a very awful evening. I don't remember the evening. I was mixing cocaine and being black out drunk. Somehow, I managed to piss everybody off and was taken outside to get the shit kicked out of me. You called the next morning, after hearing abot the beating and my awful behavior. Yout told me your roommate was super pissed at me. I tried to apologize on Facebook and maybe find out what happened, but he read my message and proceeded to block me/ That was it then. That one less than a minute long phone call.

They'll be letters soon, but for now I'm tired and my eyes itch behind my glasses. Time to start the ritual you loved so much in the beginning but by the end hated. And that's how it goes. People change, and there is absolutely nothing one could do. Our time together meant and still means almost everything to me, and at the way it's going, I'll be seeing you when my eyes close for all of eternity. Even without well-respected no contact clause. I almost broke when I came across your picture in a box of random papers. But I didn't. And the number I refuse to delete from my sim card may not even be your number anymore. I've probably gone through 100 different numbers since yo split.

I have to stop now, or I never will.

Love You Until the Sun Explodes, "Peanut"

[zinouillezetruenoodle]

Hi guys! Here's a detailed synospsis of a story i've been working on for story telling class! It was soemthing I worked on initially only for 2 hours but decided to polish a little little bit and I kinda wanted to share to have some feedbacks!!

It's called "Little Bird"🐦. Cuz I realised after writing this that one of my favorite songs, "Little bird" from the Weepies, fits so insanely well with the story!!!

Enjoy!! (Its pretty long and sorry for the typos)

Act 1:

The story takes place in a city, in December. The opening scene is a shot of a dark kitchen, with a clock ticking in the background.

The protagonist, Nour, a 15-year-old teenager, comes home, opens the fridge and takes out a meal prepared in advance. While it heats up in the microwave, she sits down, still in the dark, and sends a message to her father. "Dad, are you going to be late?" And before she can even send the message, she receives one from her father, telling her that due to an additional meeting with his company, they will once again have to save dinner for another time.

"Okay, good luck for the end of the day, I'll leave you a portion in the fridge" was her response before turning off her phone with a sigh.

She turns on the kitchen light, an intense white and unpleasant light (tense and unpleasant atmosphere).

She takes out a notebook and her maths exercise book and works while eating.

She then goes up to her room to work, and a montage appears showing her daily life:

She locks herself in her room, revising tirelessly, devouring cold meals in the shadow of her solitude. Sometimes, a cartoon, a breath of air. But everything is predictable, everything turns in a loop

We also have a montage showing her corrected assessment copies, A's, A+'s, "very good", proud looks from teachers, asking other students to follow her example, and getting in response the sighs of the other classmates behind her.

During a class break, Nour works as usual by rereading her lessons. She hears her classmates talking about the cartoon she loves. She looks at them out of the corner of her eye, wanting to join the conversation but she catches herself and dives back into her revision, telling herself that she has no time to waste and to put into something other than her work.

However, she jumps when one of her classmates approaches her.

She turns around with a big smile, thinking that she will come and talk to her about this cartoon (telling herself that this classmate noticed the stickers of this same cartoon on her notebook).

But Nour is quickly disappointed when this classmate asks her to lend her her notes.

All the same, Nour smiles and passes her her notes, and explains each essential point of the lesson, even if the classmate had not asked for it and really did not seem to listen to her.

That same evening, Nour has dinner (finally!) with her father, a famous businessman. Her father is her idol, especially since he is her only parental figure, her mother having died during childbirth.

He was indeed very inspiring. Having grown up in the most acute poverty, and having forged a future for himself with his own hands, tears, sweat, and blood. That same evening, they read Nour's quarterly school report together, one of their favorite family traditions. (One of their only family activities, in the end).

He reads the assessments out loud "Nour is the student that all teachers dream of having" "Nour shows impeccable seriousness" "general average of 19" ..." That's very good, my daughter. I'm proud of you. You know, Nour, you and I are the same, we have to do our best. You have to give meaning to your life, and give everything, to be great."

Nour nods, happy that her father is proud of her, and reminds herself to keep up her intense work pace and her seriousness to maintain this level. She returns to her room for another weekend.

Despite her efforts, a math exercise remains unfinished. Anxiety invades her, and time escapes her.

She plans to finish the exercise tomorrow, but a notification on her phone immediately revives her anxiety.

The test is brought forward to Monday

— it's a disaster, panic.

She is absolutely not ready!!!

She didn't even manage to finish the exercise just before!!

All her efforts to take notes, to review the exercises before this lesson, will have been for nothing, since this test is on the last chapter, and she is going to fail it!!

She is too too exhausted to just spend the whole evening revising for tomorrow.

Her average that she had managed to bring to almost 20 is going to drop, she is going to fall from her streak.

She sits on the floor, having a real panic attack.

The numerous messages from classmates asking her for her grades for the test do not help her.

The empty and silent and dark house contrasts with the beating and her noisy inhalations and exhalations.

She is angry, frustrated, exhausted.

What is she going to do? The idea of ​​failing is unacceptable to her.

She CANNOT live with this image.

She gets up, slaps herself, and sits back down on her desk chair, trying to reopen her textbook.

But her hands are shaking, she can barely read. She tries to take a post-it and write a formula on it but her vision is lost in her multiple course notes, super long, super worked, filled with post-its covering her entire desk.

Was she going to have to do ALL of this again tonight? For a test? All this effort? Will she have to do all of this forever? She can't do it, the panic attack starts again, she can't do it. All this effort is too hard to hold on, she feels like she is a tightrope walker and that the wire is torn, that she has fallen. The balance is too hard. She is fed up. She is fed up with this life.

She opens the window, what is she talking about? Getting some air will surely make her pull herself together. She tries to breathe more gently, the cold air drying her face wet with tears. But just like this cold, intense and brutal air, this feeling deep in her heart does not stop, and time passes, she has no time to revise.

Raising her head, she comes face to face with a blue bird on the ledge of her windowsill. It looks at her, tilting its head gently. Its beautiful feathers seem to reflect the blue of the night sky, sparkling more than the stars in this sky. And the animal's gaze is soft, so soft, as comforting as a hug. It is the only thing bringing her calm and stopping her infernal train of thought. Her breathing calms down and the bird flies away.

That's it. She must fly away. She should flee. Flee this life. Flee this golden prison that she made for herself. That way everyone will only remember this majestic version of "Nour". The one who is kind, in a good mood and excellent at school. But.... fleeing.... will be seen as a failure too... right?

.... She saying nonsense again, she's just not trying hard enough, it's her fault. She takes her textbook back. Come on Nour. You'll regret it later, she thinks. Your father has been through so much worse, your mother gave everything for you. You only have one thing to do. You have no reason to fail. She tries to tell herself these things. She takes this exercise again, but it doesnt makes sense to her anymore. Nothing at all does. She really can't do it anymore.

She takes her head in her hands, shrinks into herself, closes her eyes intensely, maybe the gods will listen to her prayers and make her disappear.

She should never have existed, she can't hold on.

This life is exhausting.

She knows!

She'll go out into the street and stand in front of a car. It will be an accident. Her disappearance won't be her fault, she won't be seen as weak. She goes out in her coat, grabs a bag with a notebook, her phone and a charger, using the pretext that she went out to work at the library.

The walk to the road is quiet, an icy quiet like the temperature again. And when she faces the fast cars. She stretches out a leg. These thoughts encourage her to move forward.

She feels the truck approaching, but the horn snaps her out of her thoughts and she jumps off the road quickly enough.

She realizes that she doesn't even have the strength for that either. And without even thinking about the reactions of the others, she runs away.

She runs and leaves the city, not even knowing where she's going, just following the highway. Running away from her home, her school, her life. Running away is her new goal.

Like a ghost leaving her body.

Act 2:

The further Nour walks along the highway, the further she gets from the city, from the concrete floors, and the more her shoes squeak as she walks on grass.

With her head down all the way, a blue figure enters her vision, at the level of her feet. It was the bird that was at her window.

It flies and lands on her shoulder, encouraging her to look up. She notices that it is sunset.

When was the last time she took the time to admire a sunset?

The wonders of the sky, the clouds, and the sun, all seem to blend together, radiating with softness and colors, like the colors of different paints on a palette.

This phenomenon was always irregular. Different each evening, not responding to any instructions. To any problem. To no obligation other than that of existing, of happening.

This imperfection was its beauty.

And after not having spoken since the beginning of her escape, she spoke under the emotion

"I can't wait to see the sunset tomorrow... and the day after...". She sighs, happy.

The bird sings, and flies forward. And Nour followed it, a smile on her lips, a feeling of curiosity towards this unknown, this renewal before her.

Days go by, and the two companions cross different landscapes, live different sensory experiences.

At first, everything is a little weird for Nour.

She was used to being constantly alone, her and her head in front of problems to solve and courses to learn. Her and the academic status she had to maintain. Her and her anxieties. But the further she moves away from the highway and walks on the beaten paths, the more she is surrounded by life. The light is so varied and heterogeneous (contrast light beginning of story kitchen).

Plants, animals, even the air and smells. Everything is impossible to predict and alive. She doesn't know how to act at first. How should she behave in this new nature? She is tense, but comes to realize that everything around doesn't care, this life experience doesn't end if she falls or "fails".

The grass continues to surround her steps, the bees continue to fly around her...

Wheat fields and the caresses of the ears on her knees, the softness of their cream color, the chance encounter of fruit trees and the sweet flavors escaping from each fruit, the humid and protective green of the pine forests...

She meets wild boars, hedgehogs, caterpillars, rabbits, who approach her, the blue bird proving to them that Nour was not a danger to them.

She feels so good, so free, so accepted in this nature.

The fact of not having any image to hold, and just reacting, acting, being as she feels at the present moment (unpredictable like nature) almost makes her forget that she is a person and this "cause" to flee.

Through all these experiences, the blue bird or "Bleue"As Nour calls it, becomes a close friend to Nour.

Over the days, naturally, Nour draws. She draws every animal she meets, every plant, clouds... she remembers that it was her favorite activity when she was little, before starting school. It almost allows her to become one with nature.

One day, while trying to draw a ladybug that had landed gently on her leg, Nour comes across a revision sheet in her notebook.

This instantly plunges her into intense stress. If she is right, it has been 3 weeks since she ran away. How many tests and homework has she failed?

It will be hell to catch up, she surely has lots of zeros, her average must be lower than the ground.

The vision makes her so bad that she hits her head, trying to forget it. NO. She can't come back.

Out of the question to go back to her life. Since the thought does not leave, she must move away even further.

The damage from her escape is already there, she can no longer go back.

She puts away her notebook, and walks faster and faster, she does not take the time to stop to admire nature, the sunsets, meet new animals.

The landscapes around her change drastically, in sync with her rising anxiety.

She approaches arid, dark and dry landscapes. Bleue has trouble keeping up the pace of her escape.

One night, Nour manages to calm down a little. She calmly admires the fennecs of this new land but freezes when she sees a modern human village in the distance. Even in her escape, will she never be able to escape her life? Is this cage of gold, of efforts, of responsibilities inescapable? Everything is hard, everything is exhausting.

She was ready to give up everything just to no longer have to be in this cage and yet...

She even runs away to run away. It is obvious that she will simply fail to live: she can no longer constantly do her best, she will never have values, she will never deserve the love and life that her parents gave her. She has no future or present.

Even her escape is broken. Nothing makes sense.

She retraces her steps, looking for an escape route, something or somewhere to hide, from others, from their judgment or from her own judgment, from her own conscience.

She leaves the arid land, takes another road, dangerous, full of spikes, matching the stinging tears running down her cheeks.

Is death the only solution? Is it then the only way to take a break from this life, without impacting the things she has accomplished and must accomplish?

Her feet guide her towards a misty land, on the banks of a lake.

She sits down. Everything is blurry in her head, just like this mist that smothers the sky.

She sits down, and looks at her reflection. The water is heavy, and reflects this face. Of this good student. Of this girl she can't and doesn't want to be anymore.(?)

She continues to cry.

After a moment, she feels the soft caress of feathers against her cheek. Raising her head, she understands that it is Blue who sat on her shoulder. (Parallel spirited away)

Acte 3:

After a moment of silence, Nour strokes Blue's back and speaks.

Nour: Blue, I want to end it. I can't take it anymore. I can't go back, I can't run away.. I'm not made for this. This life.

These words become more painful when they come out of her mouth and her head. She takes her head in her hands, having cried so much that a headache manifests itself.

A drop of rain falls from the mist and falls into the lake, echoing the contact, a sparkling blue light shining on it for a moment.

"You say you want to stop, that you're not made for life, however there is in you a light, a curiosity, a desire to live that every being, plant, insect, mammal, notices dear Nour. You are the most passionate human I know."

A soft, comforting and melodious voice appears, coming out of the lake. Nour looks up, and sees that Blue has landed on her lap, the lake behind him.

After a moment of shock, Nour thinks about these words. She admires this bird, these bright feathers. This companion who led her out of her home. Who made her live such beautiful experiences.

She looks at her hands in silence before speaking.

"It would have been easier if I was suicidal.

Now I only feel shame. Shame because I have no explanation for the fact that I gave up, that I failed."

She sighs, wiping her eyes, tired.

Blue lands on her hand, allowing her to caress him to soothe her.

The voice is heard again.

"What failure are you talking about?"

She realizes that it is indeed Blue who is talking to her, and if she was not so much in these emotions and this despair, she would have smiled and they would have played games, and had a ton of discussion about everything and anything.

But there she was, not being able to do anything.

"Well... the one about my studies."

Another silence.

"The fact that I can no longer do my best, the fact that I do not want... to do my best anymore... that I can't do it anymore. I know that it makes me a loser. That I am not even who I am supposed to be, my father's daughter... the perfect student..."

She looks bitterly again at this reflection of her face on the lake.

"You know. You have no reason or obligation to work so much, or to work at all. If that were the case... you would no longer exist as soon as you stopped working."

Nour thinks. She frowns, it's true but she's not convinced. "Yes but.." she thinks for a moment, her eyes moving around, looking for a point to focus her attention on.

"It.. would be wasting my life, I wouldn't live well, I wouldn't be enough... right?"

She looks up momentarily to look at Blue.

He looks back at her before settling on his bag and taking out his notebook, opening it to two pages with a drawing of a pink flower and a blue flower.

"This plant isn't red, but it's alive and beautiful, isn't it?"

Nour nods slowly, moving closer. She smiles, remembering that beautiful blue plant she encountered in a field. The first drawing in her notebook, the blue color having fascinated her so much that she wanted to immortalize it.

Blue's words bring her out of her thoughts.

"Would you say that this plant doesn't deserve to live, because it's blue?"

Nour shakes her head to say no immediately, without even thinking about it.

"So, you won't say that some plants deserve to live more than others.

Nour slowly understands where Bleue is going with this and begins to think "uumm.."

"The plants you've touched and smelled, the sunsets you've admired, don't obey any rules of perfection or accomplishment.

Do you really think that Nature rewards the plants that grow the most flowers? Or the sunsets that have the most clouds? And yet, being around them, you felt the most alive that you've ever felt."

Nour contemplates her notebook. She contemplates Blue's words and massages her temples. "Yes... it's true... well... I, I don't know.."

*she looks at her feet* "it's not the same for humans... right?" she thinks "A-And working hard, doing my best, that's who I am. Without it I'm nothing to anyone. I can't be what I want to be anymore." she explains.

A gentle breeze passes, making her locks of hair dance delicately, while the two beings admire the movement of the lake in the wind. The air is tense, painful for us but despite that, the silence in this environment remains magnificent and calming. She breathes gently, closing her eyes to feel this air deeply on her skin, and try not to think about what Bleue says.

"A fish in a birdcage"

"What?" Bleue's words surprise her.

"You're a fish in a birdcage, a gilded cage. You could just swim but you only want to be a flying fish. You only think you can fly. But you can swim. And that won't change your value."

"I... I don't understand... sorry"

*Blue approaches the lake*

"You've trapped yourself in this cage of "Nour, golden student". This identity, this persona imprisons you. You think that the problem is the fish. That its abilities are not enough, that it is a mistake, that it cannot live if it does not fly, that it does not exist if it does not fly, that it does not deserve to live if it does not fly. But there are no obligations to life, Nour.

Everything is life, a plant that decorates the ground is as much alive as an insect that jumps from rock to rock. A bear that hibernates is as much alive as a bee that constantly forages. Between these lives, there is not one more deserving than another. There is no better form of life than another. Everything is simply in life.

Getting rid of this cage doesn't take away your life.

But it does give you the possibility of another way of living. Maybe a more comfortable way. More enjoyable."

Blue tilts his head as he formulates these last words.

Nour takes her time to take in everything he says. She feels that he is right and admires each image that makes up his speech, while picking up a leave and spinning it.

"But," she begins, having trouble expressing these emotions "but, I don't know what will happen, what I will... become, if I let go of this cage like you say. These obligations. I-I want to do my best! To be someone great, to enjoy life.." she makes movements with her hand at this part, thinking of her father and squeezes his hand.

"What will you become if you reach this perfection, these goals? Knowing that nothing is perfect." Blue answers quickly.

"I will alway keep be the best student... my dad will always be satisfied as expected...." Nour answers easily, as if it were the answer to a math problem.

"What you're going to become, not how people will perceive you Nour" Blue shakes his head.

" um... I..." There Nour is confused... taken aback.

" I... um .. I don't know. A-an engineer, or a doctor surely? Those are the most admirable jobs right?.. they're the hardest jobs to reach and I would help others too ... so it's great and sensible..." (blue = mom???) She tries to answer, a little defensively realizing she doesn't really know what she's saying.

"Is that what you want? How would you feel at that moment?" Blue continues.

"Um. Well. I have to do my best, to be a person deserving of the life my parents gave me... I would surely feel calm and accomplished, I would become something that has..... meaning." Nour answers with a confused tone, trying to use the principles that guided her life... until now.

"Brilliant Nour, does choosing your future to meet an ideal of success that is not yours really make sense to you?"

Nour is silent in the face of this, having nothing more to answer, surprised by this question. The mist moves slowly. The blades of grass too, under the force of the wind. Nour still has her mouth open, trying to answer, tense. She closes her mouth, lying down on the grass to better contemplate the clouds.

After a long moment, she answers.

"I don't know what I want...... and I-I think that scares me even more than not being able to succeed in what is expected of me."

Another silence.

"Look at this mist. It circulates everywhere. It does not limit itself to existing only at ground level."

Nour nods, raising his hand to follow the movement of this mist. The bird lands on his hand and continues.

"Its identity is not just to live in the sky or just at ground level.

Identity.... It's a complex thing. (We are nothing but we are also all. In each of us.?)

But deep down, it's something that only you can define, and that continues to change, to circulate, to live."

Nour, surprised by these words, wants to continue talking, but Bleue turns to face her and continue her monologue.

"Life is not a math test, you can't predict what will happen. It's normal not to predict what will happen. It's... alive. It's free..." Bleue flaps his wings as he says this.

"..... but. I.. I thought that.. well that it was easy to succeed in school. You just have to study and do everything right you will succeed. It's a pre-ordained passage, with a sure reward at the end. It's so much easier... but eversince I met you. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what's true anymore and if any or this really works ."

".It's just so scary" *Nour adds after a moment.

"If I can't even trust that I'll always be the best version of myself and that everything will go as planned, how should I face the uncertainty of life? I don't think I can and I don't want to live in this

.. this... threat... yes.. there you go"

*Her hands move as she tries to explain her point of view. As she formulates these last words, she plunges back into that feeling of despair. She lies on her side and curls up on herself. Sad.

"Nour... my dear please get up...."

Nour doesn't answer. Bleue lands in front of her eyes, rubbing her cheek to make her look at the sky. Behind the thick mist, light orange, pink, and yellow rays shine through. A sunset. Nour unconsciously gets up to look at it better. Bleue lands on her shoulder again.

Her gaze softens, a ray of light breaking through the clouds of mist and landing on his tired face.

"Do you remember the first sunset you saw here?

What you said?"

Nour looks at him briefly before turning back to the sky.

"That you wanted to contemplate the sunset of future days?"

*Nour nods slowly, leaning down to grab her notebook and put it in her bag*

"I think that's the perfect example, the perfect summary of the answer I want to give you." Bleue whispers, twirling to land on his head.

"The main thing you should do when faced with this uncertainty of life is to contemplate it."

"Contemplate it?"

"Yes, like you've contemplated the different sunsets each of these last days. All unique each evening.

Each night so unpredictable, so beautiful."

Nour begins to be truly touched and amazed by Bleue's words. She who had always thought that life had to be controlled, measured, perfect. Now, she listened to the bird's words telling her that like this changing light of the sunset, life was simply meant to be lived. In all its messy and unpredictable beauty.

And as Bleue's words penetrate her memory, Nour feels a tremor in her chest, something warm and almost forgotten, like a long-lost wish that she had not dared to express, but that had always been there, waiting for her to realize it.

"Do you understand now Nour? You are life, you are passion. Even in your most... lost moments, you have contemplated, you have loved, you have shone and you have lived. And you continue to do so. You have expressed the wish to live, to have the experiences of the days to come. To witness this outer and inner uncertainty."

She nods slowly with big eyes.

She who thought she was not made to live, she realizes that deep down, it is all she wants, and that she has always wanted and ... done.

Without mistakes, without failures. Even with all the ideals that will be put in her head, she has never done anything wrong. She has not failed at anything. She will always be, just filled with love, with the light of life.

All those times when she thought she was not up to it, small and unworthy. And now, for the first time, she can see that at every moment, she has lived - in silence, in beauty, without needing to be perfect.

And as all the weight of this realization begins to be felt in every nerve of her body, as she feels one with the sky, the nature around her, and as tears return to the corners of her eyes, Bleue speaks again.

"It is the only real condition of your life, Nour. Simply, to be. Just as uncertainty is the only condition of freedom. It is this quality that makes all things beautiful. And the essential core of life. Ultimately freedom rhymes with imperfection. And life rhymes with freedom."

Bleue paused for a moment, looking at Nour with an affection so deep that it seemed to transcend words, while the young girl looked at the sky, tears streaming down her face.

The silence between them deepened. Nour felt Bleue's words, each one absorbed into her heart like the last rays of the sun, warming her from the inside. Freedom. Imperfection. Life. All these things intertwined, as fluid and inevitable as the changing sky.

She saw in this sky, a raw, raw reflection of herself. More real than the one offered by the lake previously. She laughs, tears still flowing, tears of joy.

"You know. You don't even need to be respected or admired.You have, deep down, no expectations to respond except to enjoy life and the happiness and joy it offers.

This happiness, this love is not deserved. It is there from the moment you begin to exist. You simply have to open yourself to life Nour. Do you promise me that you will?"

The bird murmurs, landing on her hand. Nour looks at it.

"B-but, if I go back I won't see you again...?"

She answers, a sad look taking over her face.

"But yes... I will visit you. But know that I will always be with you."

"Thank you Blue".

They made contact with their foreheads, and suddenly everything becomes black, no longer white.

The warmth of a light is felt again on her face.

Nour opens her eyes and gets up to sit up. She is in her bed. Her often dark room is illuminated by the soft and bright rays of sunlight piercing her window. Calm. But for once, a soothing calm. Had she dreamed it all? She scratches her head in contemplation and finds a blue feather in her hair. She smiles, raising an eyebrow before getting out of bed and taking her bag. It is the day of the math test, which she passes without knowing some of the answers but trying.

The final scene is in the playground on the grass, it is very nice and Nour is having lunch, bathing in the rays of the sun.

She notices a girl watching an episode of her favorite cartoon and decides to go buy it to get to know her and talk about this cartoon.

The end.

[blurryfangirlansuke]

Now you maybe wondering that about me being absent one of them is college I can't control that it depends on my degree and planning what I want to do in my adult life. Also I want to get this out of my chest. I'm perfectly fine when people tell my obsession with Duke goes too far causing me to lose friends or just being all over a character that doesn't exist. I understand and I do apologize if I make feel people uncomfortable and when ask people if they can draw myself and Duke together they don't have to I make it very optional and I have plenty of other characters to simp for but Duke is #1 he'll always be. He's the reason why I'm being stable from being lonely and stress between reality and trying to become independent. It's not easy when your autistic and have social anxiety and learning different ways of how to do things. Duke is a comfort and I believe everyone should have a comfort character if not then perhaps your best friend or family .

Whenever I see a picture of Duke or art heck even gifts people draw for me it makes me touched and happy because I love this vampire and yes he's fictional but it's fun to simp and also appreciate the creator who put there heart and soul making characters to adore and even be interested with there stories and series.

Another thing I get so happy is when I commission the creator of the series Duke's plays the lead one along with Missi the vampire who tolerates him. The creator absolutely knows me so well and always spoils me with amazing commissions of me and Duke also she's close and appreciates fans like me for liking character such as Duke . Also buying loads of merchandise from the creator's store and main do I go buck while on everything worse then going to a barns and noble xD.

I am a busy person who gets free time and sometimes not so much. I'm working on my degree, learning the good and bad things in life even if I don't understand. I attend to also write my fanfics whenever I get the chance to take a break on drawing nonstop art of Duke. It also gives me ideas for myself if I ever want to make a character of my own and I know one day the character is going to be inspired by many artists I admire if you see what I usual post xD.

I have dreams of being with Duke in real life like he stays with me in my campus, we go for nightwalks, I lay in his coffin or king size bed and talk for hours. I wake up and he's not there with me. I know this feeling is loneliness which I'm use to since I have a hard time reaching out to people and the art I do might probably not spark interest. I miss my sister who's in college we have a great bond, I love my parents always support me, I have friends and fans online here that support me.

However I really wish I didn't feel this way. I know I attend to seek help with my advisors or talk to my sister it does help. I'm not normal and then okay because hey we all special and unique in our ways. Duke is fictional but he's my happiness and true comfort and I'll always love him even if I want to strangle him.

Yes I've been a little depressed and overwhelmed but that's life we have our good days and bad days. Crying does help me let everything out and start a better day. Eventually this blog will also get more hearts soon and also I have to be present for that to happen which I try. I appreciate you listening to me and I don't want end things sad especially since this is me and Duke's month so I made a healing art piece and color it about us. I really appreciate the support and love you all give me. This helps me to stay motivated and keep going. Don't worry I'll post more things and happy stuff. Letting this vent things pass.

Thank you for listening and much love you all Spooklings 🥰

[almost-correct-quotes]

lyrics that remind me of dion and kane / their plotline <3

if there's no character specified it's either about them together or the plotline in general

it's tumblr, so the colors are messed up but you get what im trying to do its supposed to be aesthetic

Dion: Turn and Go - {Parentheses}

When the night is turning sour Due to the lateness of the hour Doesn't mean it has to end Just turn and go You just need a change of scene Somewhere happy, somewhere green You don't have to be alone Just turn and go

I announce that I am leaving, no one seems to care No one even takes a second glance But I am with the people that I love the most And that's always more fun without a plan

Dion: Lying in the Middle - Spence Hood

Why should I make up my mind Just to change it overnight What a magnificent way to waste my time You know I would rather live my life Rife with riddles Lying in the middle of the Kinsey scale The world’s a buffet and I came to get my fill

Dion: Doing This Again! - Bears in Trees

I hope I'll be resilient I hope to be brave in the face of another family cancer My mother 'cites a rosary downstairs But lord, these blessed words fail me

Love Takes Time - Philip Labes

It takes more than some roses, for roots to intertwine To open up the doors to your interior design Sneaking in the baggage, that we couldn't leave behind

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

When I'm dead, I won't join their ranks 'Cause they are both holy and free (…) Make me love myself, so that I might love you Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God When I said it, it was true

Paul Revere - Noah Kahan

One day, I'm gonna cut it clear Ride like Paul Revere And, when they ask me who I am I'll say, "I'm not from around here"

I'll leave before the road crew's out Before those joggers, looking way too proud And I'll turn up the music and I'll forget Until it ends, that I'm not ready to let go yet

How I Survived Bobby Mackey's Personal Hell - Lincoln

Well, if there’s one thing that I'm sure of It’s that I think too much about shit that doesn’t matter And I don’t think enough about things that make a difference

You left some holes in the plotline I left some holes in your clothes And we can argue semantics over who left who first

Dion: Downhill - Lincoln

I went downhill at such steep incline That my rearview mirror showed me only the sky And I laughed about it all night

And I said “Hey man, isn’t it poetic That the sky is what we leave behind?” Because I was born into the world on a silken cloud And I got bored of the world before I hit the ground

From Eden - Hozier

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, I should know

There's something broken about this But I might be hoping about this Oh, what a sin

Out of Time - Philip Labes

Tick, tick, tick goes any good thing Forever is a diamond lie We can't stop the clock, so let's just talk Until our heartbeats rhyme Until we're out of time (...) And if you believe that fate brought us together Then you must believe that it tore us apart But I do not believe That we live in a machine I think the ticking that you're hearing is a heart

Kane: Is It Honor That I Want? - Sushi Soucy (it's LITERALLY him. screaming)

I know the guidelines That I've lived by my whole life So well that I could sing them Be a good kid, be a good brother Be a good son, be a good loyal servant to the kingdom

Why am I so confused? I have everything I want Yet it feels like I have nothing left to lose Is the world really falling to pieces? Do we really have to iron out the creases? Have I been told my whole life something that isn't true? Because I really have no idea what to do

I curse the heavens up above Is it really honor that I want Or is it love?

The Title Track - Origami Angel

Sometimes it gets hard to be alive And you know that better than I do Better than I do Sometimes you need somewhere else to go Somewhere that nobody can find you No one will find you

But if you wanna be somewhere you don't have to be alone Or distraught or anything at all Baby, you don't have to be, pack all your things And we'll move to Somewhere City If you want to be someone that you never have to hide Or keep bottled up on the inside Baby, you can set it free, just come with me And I'll show you Somewhere City's waiting for you

Dion: Re-Do - Modern Baseball (i have to put mobo on every single playlist somewhere soz)

I wanna start from the top Maybe like a do-over Replace the voices in my head With blind innocence

I want a complete re-do Maybe change my name Report the losses, grab the claim "It's a shame, it's such a shame"

Kane: Stick Season - Noah Kahan

As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined You must've had yourself a change of heart like halfway through the drive Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign Kept on drivin' straight and left our future to the right

[trashlie]

ILY FP 237

Wanna know something that feels insane? I went to go reread 151 for yknow, reasons, lmao and I noticed it came out September 30, 2021.

/2021/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE THAT EPISODE DROPPED?! NO WONDER WE CAN'T BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!! NO WONDER WE'RE ALL AS FERAL AS SHINAE AND CLIMBING WALLS AND CHEWING THROUGH OUR KEYBOARDS. I can't get my head around this lmao TWO WHOLE YEARS?! What the HECK?! This has been WILD!!!!!!!

Anyway, I kind of wish you guys could have seen me immediately after reading this episode because I swear it felt like I went through the five stages of like, grief or something, for reasons I'll get to lmao like, my friends and i live blog at each other as we read and it was just a wall of screaming cat emotes sent over and over and DREAD and STRESS and some kind of dramatic chaos and calamity before we got it out of our systems and were like "okay i can be normal* about this now

*as normal as possible all things considered lmao

Anyway. AN EPISODE AIN'T IT? Let's go

I had fantasized a lot about how I waned Dieter and Nol's conversation to go, and as always, I was not entirely on the mark. That's why I'm not the one writing ILY XD But regardless, I love what we got, and we got things that I did NOT expect at all!

There's something about how it starts off with that sort of.... "we're pretending everything is normal and that you didn't totally oversee me making moves on the girl you like while i thought you were sleeping and you don't even know why I came back after blocking all of you let's definitely make visitation plans" that is so funny to me, even though that's absolutely how I expected it to go. Dieter is the master of playing it cool, much to his own detriment, but it works in this case, because Nol is so very like a feral cat, isn't he?

I'm actually really glad that we touched on the topic of visitation because I was SO CERTAIN Nol wouldn't want them to visit him, wouldn't want to be seen like that, wouldn't want to be reminded of their lives going on while he's stuck behind bars for a crime he didn't commit. And Dieter is not that subtle with the way he goes down the list of the potential visitors Nol can have - not that there's, yknow.... many..... lol but we all know what he's getting at, carefully hedging the important matters at hand. "It would make you happy if she visited you, too... right?"

Something so funny about my agitation at the end of this episode was that I so badly wanted to comment on how Nol's reaction to Dieter winning the game reminded me SO MUCH of the expressions Shinae makes lol I don't know if that's just a result of quimchee's artstyle or just one of those many things they have in common, but it makes me laugh a lot.

Dieter possesses a rather straight forward nature that I'm so envious of. I'm the kind of person who struggles to bring up things that I need to talk to friends about, too burned by past experiences that didn't go well that I still get worried that addressing important topics with my friends will go south even though I know better, so I beat around the bush, I hem and haw. But Dieter is SO direct with Nol, even as Nol tries to deflect, even as he attempts to bush it off. It's so admirable! Especially while Nol is being.... well. Nol lmao

I CANNOT believe that he really went nine-year-old on the playground being accused of liking a girl like. He LITERALLY went BLEH why would I even HURL alkfjkafjafjkafkjafjk MY GUY?! ALKFKAFJAKFKAJFKJ?1 He is akjffakfj a MENACE truly related to Nana!!!!!!!!!

I think this must be the most open and honest Nol has ever been with Dieter. When you think about it, Dieter really is the one friend who has been the most "on the outside" of Nol's life, he has only known Yeonggi, and it wasn't for malicious reasons. That's all the stuff Nol dislikes about his life, that he tries to neatly compartmentalize. Up until recently, he was able to do so. Kousuke was off his back, he was more or less free. Everything changed when Rand went out of country and Kousuke had Nol helping out at the office. Dieter had no reason to really know much more about Kousuke and Nol's relationship because Soushi joining their group meant Kousuke wasn't around as often, and we saw that they both were able to thrive (as well as possible) outside of the way of each other.

So for Nol to open up enough to tell him that he doesn't really make friends, despite how it looks. That most people don't really seem to like him, that he doesn't like his peers or his family, that they are really the only people he has let into his life is big. There's so much Dieter still doesn't know about him, but baby steps. You can't just dump all of that, even if he was ready to.

And in him saying this, to some degree I understand. After all, all this while Nol wasn't even aware of those feelings, of what she meant. I think there were moments - like at the formal when he made her laugh - but it wasn't anything like when he had his head rest upon her shoulder, feeling at peace despite his injuries, feeling calm despite the location, feeling like he could fall asleep and learned that it had nothing to do with medication that made him realize it. So on the one hand I DO get his logic, because what if he IS misplacing this feeling, what if he IS wrong, what if he's making something out of nothing?

But I'm sure on another level he knows better, because he knows what Dieter saw, because he was acting on what he felt.

I think Nol has never had feelings for anyone, because he has nothing to compare this to. He said he "tried to make it work" with Alyssa, but there's a sense that he was never actually into her, that there weren't actually any feelings there and they never grew as time went on. And now that he feels these unfamiliar things for Shinae, how is he to know?

What's really funny is that this is the same tactic as Shinae, but in reverse. When she told him we're all friends and he adamantly told her no, because he knows better, because it wasn't platonic, because their kind of friend is so different from how she's friends with Dieter. And even though he's the one who knows his feeling and suspects hers, he still tries the same logic she used: that anyone else could be in her position and maybe he'd still feel the same, that maybe it's just because he's so starved for kindness that he's responding to that.

Again, we know better, but it's so funny to me that she literally tried to use the logic that all friendships are different but also she could put anyone else in his place and it would be the same.

Please. I need them to stop kidding themselves lmaoooooo

For Nol's sake, though, he needs it to be a thing that will pass, because in his mind not only does he endanger Shinae by caring about her, but he also betrays his friend, only further hurts him, and given that Nol's whole deal is that he tries to rebalance the bad he brings into the world by making up for it with good, he's really doing a terrible job.

Unfortunately for Nol, feelings don't work like that and logic can't control them. He can tell himself it might be a thing that can pass, that it might be something that he'd get over, but that doesn't change Shinae's feelings, and the fact that she clearly likes him, not Dieter. It would be so much easier for Nol if Dieter actually treated it like a betrayal, if he was mad at him, if he felt like Nol had wronged him. He wants him to be angry, because he can at least use Dieter's anger and pain as a reason to step back, because god knows Nol himself does not have the will power to do it on his own. If he can say "Acting on my feelings is hurting my friendship with Dieter" he could have a concrete reason to ignore them, because it's not worth losing his friendship.

But that's not who Dieter is. He isn't giving him that kind of excuse.

We can see, too, just how important those friendships are to Nol, that hurting Dieter would be reason enough to drop his feelings! Because these are the only friends he has. The only people who have made him feel like he has value. Made him feel not like nothing but something. A somebody. Special. That's not something worth throwing away, which is ironically what gets him into this problem. These people made him feel special, and he came to care about them as they care about him, and in his mind this has endangered them all, and it's more than enough reason to hold them at arms' length, to smother his feelings and hope they'll die out like cold embers, hope that if he doesn't fans the flames or add new wood, it will go cold.

I really feel for Dieter having this conversation because honestly, it can't be easy. Even though he's holding himself together, we know that it still hurts. His expression with his eyes closed when he mentions how he's seen the way Shinae cries for him... agonizing! He's seen it multiple times now! He's always the one who picks up her pieces and gives her comfort, even though it hurts him to do, even though he knows why she's crying. It wasn't just what he saw that morning when they thought he was asleep - he's been watching this all along, from the beginning, always consciously comparing himself to the people in her life and how she interacts with them. Even as a friend, he doesn't have what she has with Minhyuk or Nol. Dieter knew all along what he was getting into, knew all along the way they interact, the way they gravitate towards each other, and he couldn't help but hope he might have that, too. That with enough time they could be like that. All this morning did was show him that he was never going to have that with her, that he never really stood a chance. ;~; But he tried! It's more than Nol can say right now....

Nol's agitation is such a BIG deal! Again, Dieter has never really known Nol. Yeonggi wasn't like this! Yeonggi didn't have this energy, that feral cat energy, that edge! His shock in response to how Nol responds shows that much - because to him this isn't a big deal, if he likes her then he likes her and he just wanted Nol to know that he won't hold it against him. But there is just so much Dieter doesn't know! He can't understand at this point why Nol is so emotional about it, why he seems so agitated and upset, why he's insisting it will never happen. Seeing those emotions on his face!!! The way Dieter goes from startled to defensive to concerned.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me."

That sounds so threatening! He's the only one who is hurting Shinae, what Nol is saying can't possibly make any sense to Dieter.

He doesn't know about the formal.

He doesn't know about Shinae getting tricked by Yui, how she was coerced to attend that harrowing formal in order to protect someone who it turned out didn't need protecting.

He doesn't know about the fall from the pool and how she hit her head and was in the hospital when she should have been at home getting a good night's sleep the night before her college entrance exams.

He doesn't know about the contract she's locked into.

About the roofies, about Sangchul.

About how Shinae could have been assaulted, or how she could have died.

This is the most honest Nol has probably ever been with Dieter, with anyone but Shinae at this point, frankly, and unfortunately Dieter doesn't know anything, can't understand, but what he can see is that Nol means it. The fear on his face! He looks so childlike in how distressed and afraid he is!

When we really think about it, in Nol's eyes, it is about him. That he is a blight, a mistake who was never supposed to exist. That what happened to his mom was because of him, because he exists. Because he didn't treat her well. What happened to Shinae is because he took interest in her, because she meant something to him, and that wasn't acceptable. He believes harm comes to those he cares about, but in his view that's the extent of it. It's not that Yui is a monster, it's that she's a monster to him.

He doesn't have our objective knowledge. He doesn't know that Kousuke has been drugged and manipulated his whole life, that she drove that wedge between him and his father. He doesn't know that Yui invited Shinae to Kousuke's apartment and treated her inappropriately, tried to undress her, put her in Kousuke's clothes. Does he even really understand how Shinae wound up at the formal? That it wasn't about him at all - that Shinae was convinced Kousuke did something wrong by giving her a job she didn't deserve, that she had to attend the formal to "protect his job".

So to him, it's just because it's him. Because he cares. Because he is a mistake and doesn't deserve any of this, and that they are punished for him not knowing his place. His worries extend to Dieter and Soushi as well, because they are also people he cares about, and maybe the universe will harm them, too, to remind him of his place.

He doesn't know what he has to protect them from, just that he must.

One of these days, we are going to get flashbacks of what happened when Nol was taken away to Hirahara Memorial, and I'm not ready. The way he looks so small and childlike sitting there in his bed with all of his fear and distress, all of these feelings so knotted up inside. What did they do to him when he was in there? What did they say to him, that made him so deeply internalize this belief? Almost two years of being broken down, being convinced that the things that happen to those you care about are the direct result of you caring of your existence. And that's the most frustrating part about it - it's so deeply ingrained, so intricately woven into his psyche that he can't just change his way of thinking. It's going to be so difficult to undo that thinking!

Not that this is really new to us but, just getting to really mull over this is so heartbreaking. Nol is so terrified of losing her, that he's willing to lose her to protect her. He'd rather not have her at all if it will keep her safe, if it will protect her from harm, even though it's so clear that he wants the opposite. He cares so much and it makes him so very afraid. How does he live like that?! That constant battle of wanting vs what he fears, how he let them into his life and broke his rules and in his mind this has put them in danger.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me!"

He really would rather be the one that hurts her to protect her than to take any chances and it just makes me feel SO EMOTIONAL. ;A; OKAY. Because what can you even do to help him? He is so..... I don't like it when people say the word broken, because it often feels low-key like they mean someone is too traumatized to ever be "repaired" but when I say Nol is so broken, I mean that he has been put in situations that have damaged his self-view, that have damaged his psyche, that have altered the way he thinks and feels to such a degree that he is sitting here willing to hurt people in order to protect them, because he lives in this constant fear of unknown that he cannot predict. They took this vulnerable kid and put him through absolute HELL, they broke him and then they refused to put the pieces back together.

I hope that Dieter will talk to someone about it. Is it something he can talk about with Shinae? Can he pull together any clues? He's our most observant character, but does he know enough to start to grasp this very real fear that has gripped Nol? He was there at the arcade when Kousuke and Yui came to pick up Nol, when he reacted strangely to her being there, when he slapped away Kousuke's hand. Is that something that he'd remember, think is worth pursuing? And even if so, what can come of it? He looks genuinely worried and concerned, though, and I hope that something will be able to come of it, because I think even if he can't understand what Nol fears, he at least knows that to him it's very real.

Soushi's timing with the jello just.... KILLED me. KILLED ME what a time to interrupt ;______; How do you get back to that conversation?! And especially with Kousuke there now, it's effectively over. It just!!! LKFAFKJAJFKAKJFAJKFKJAF KLJAFKJAF AKJFKAJFKAFJKAF IT KILLS ME OKAY AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGH

And while I know very well that Kousuke is there with good intentions, that he looks so haunted standing in the hallway waiting for Nol, I can't help but feel a heavy curtain of foreboding coming down, because Kousuke comes in like an omen. Because things go bad when he shows up, even when he's not the one trying to stir things up. And frankly, I don't look forward to this, because I know whatever is going to go down is going to hurt! There's something so..... I guess bitter about Kousuke's very too little too late moment, how he has struggled all these years with how badly he wants Rand's love, how much he fears not being good enough, how terrified he was that Nol could have it and replace him, the guilt for destroying a young child who was never a real threat to him (even though Yui absolutely made him out as a real threat in Kousuke's mind). It's like... knowing that Kousuke is starting to unlock this, is starting to see the insidious underbelly, while knowing it's too late. Nol has wiped his hands of him. He literally nearly died as a result of what happened the night before and even if Kousuke is coming to reach out to him, or to confirm something, Nol has no reason to entertain him, to hep him.

I feel like we are very much seeing that table turn, the role reversal. We're going to watch Kousuke fall apart, trying his best to hold himself together, with no one to turn to, no one he can actually trust, his paranoia eating him alive. It's not that I think anything heavy is going to go down as much as.... maybe we're going to watch Kousuke reach out to him, whether for help or to acknowledge something - that Nol, too, was drugged, that this must be why he hates tea so much, that so many times he ignored Nol's pleas for help - and Nol is probably going to reiterate how very done with him he is, that he wants nothing to do with him or this family any more, that he is done with them and what they've done to him. And just. AUGH ALKJAFKJJKFJKAF IT KILLS ME I'M SO EMOTIONAL I'M SO DISTRESSED BECAUSE WE KNOW WHY KOUSUKE WAS LIKE THAT WE KNOW HOW HE WAS MANIPULATED, HOW THE DRUGGING WAS USED TO ALTER HIS MEMORIES AND HOW HE RECALLED EVENTS HOW HE BELIEVES IN THIS FICTITIOUS VERSION OF NOL WHO WAS FORMED BY YUI'S WORDS AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE NOL IS SO WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT AND I JUST. TRAAAAAAGIIIIIIIIIIIIC SIIIIIIIIIBLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNNGSSSSSSSSS ;A;

And things just always go south when Kousuke comes around. He puts Nol in a worse mood, he starts to act out more. We literally watched this kid jump off a fucking balcony into a pool below and revisit the last time he was at the bottom of a pool, contemplating never returning to the surface! THINGS NEVER GO WELL WHEN KOUSUKE IS INVOLVED AND I'M NERVOUS AND SCARED AND I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;A;

At this point, I feel like everything really is up to Shinae at this point, because Nol is back to trying to rebuild his walls and put them up as high as he can, so ready to try to ignore these feelings, to play them off, to tell her that it probably means nothing, that he must just be acting this way because she's been nice when no one else has and if it was anyone else he'd probably feel the same way and GOD I am ready for her to go off on him. He all but told her to leave and come back when you know why you're fighting so hard for me, but I don't think he's actually PREPARED for her going back knowing her feelings, knowing what she wants.

Until now, there's always been a disadvantage between Shinae and Nol in their relationship, where he is always the one with the leg up, the one who knows more, the one who is making moves, the one who is in control of things. But I think we're going to see that change, based on her very feral way of fighting her feelings, how she was about to try to break down his door in order to continue their conversation, how agitated she is by the thought of him throwing her away.

It really does come down to her pure determination, and I'm fully expecting her to go in there and get into an argument with him lmao and frankly, I welcome it. I think that's the only way they're going to get anywhere. There's so many things they need to talk about, they need a heart to heart DESPERATELY but I don't think we're going to lead with it. I go back and forth on how I expect her to go, because she was SO READY to go back in and demand her things back "if I can't have you" (SCREAMING STILL) but now that she knows her feelings... will she? I hope she will, still. Because now it's almost worse, right? That he's taken all these things from her AND he still has a girlfriend AND he now has her heart? HOW IS THAT FAIR, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE BACK EVERYTHING!

I want them to argue because I think they're both a little more honest when they aren't thinking about what they're saying, when they let the hotheaded energy take over and words come out. Nol is probably going to play the "this probably doesn't even mean anything" game, the "this will probably pass and we'll both move on" game, the "maybe i'm just a selfish asshole friend and none of this means anything" game and Shinae is too hardheaded to let that slide.

I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with “I have a girlfriend” and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I want her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn’t have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

And when she pulls away he can lean in, following her, pulling her back in, his brain off because god knows the moment her mouth touches his it's all over, he's melting, his resolve is crumbling and he's going all in, pulling her against him fingers in her hair mouth crashing back on hers so hungry so touch-starved so full of want.

They can talk about everything else once she's convinced him this isn't so fleeting. She can remind him what she already said, that she deserves a choice in this matter, that leaving doesn't change anything because she still works for the company she's still under contract and now there's more she can tell him - how Yui made her an offer that would essentially tether her to them, how Rand told her to take it that he says Yui will never let her go. That it was not about him that Yui is a witch, tell him about Kousuke's birthday, tell him about the way she got tricked, tell him about the things she tried to do to her.

I've already acknowledged that nothing can undo the years of damage that was done to Nol in the hospital and through years of abuse, but I think Shinae can, at the very least, make him see that she very much is just as trapped, that she's worse off if he leaves, that together they are so much stronger, that they don't have to endure this alone. He can tell her how scared he is and she can stroke his hair and reassure him the best she can that he's allowed to be scared in front of her that she feels scared, too, but maybe she's more afraid of losing someone who means so much to her, who is literally the reason she's gotten through everything she did. That maybe he thinks he's a monster but she's something else in him, that he is the sole reason she could endure that harrowing night.

I WANT THEM TO HAVE AN HONEST HEART TO HEART SO BADLY. I feel like we MUST be going that direction. There's been too much build up not to. As Lil Anon put it, ILY has never been quick to reward, and we must go through the ups and downs to get there. We've had this moment dangled in front of us for so long but we're not getting it easy. But we can see it in the narrative - the emphasis on their mutually realized feelings, that Nol was given that 3 day extension that leads so close to Christmas, the emphasis on her mouth, that these feelings happened before he went to jail. If there wasn't going to be a resolution, NONE of this would have needed to happen, especially not the 3 day extension. Quimchee is absolutely drawing this out - and not even in the "putting up pointless obstacles just to draw it out" kind of way but in the "you are going to be so satisfied when we get there" kind of way lol. It's just so easy to get spooked because that's what the writing is doing! That's tension, baby.

Hopeful optimism is always my downfall lmao but I just feel like we ARE going to have that resolution, that even if there's no relationship at this time, they will know where they stand, that she can convince him not to push her away, that they are too important to give each other up. Whatever he's afraid of, they can brave it together! I WANT IT AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO CLOSE OKAY AND I'MA FLKJAFLKJAF AFLKJAFLKJAFKLA FLKJAFLAKJFLKAFJLAFKAFKLAFJAFKJFKAA

We were given two small asides about Nol's phone and the Bible, and I wonder if we'll be seeing those play out the 22nd. The phone is obviously coming in Kousuke's visit next week, but I wonder: does it even work anymore after everything that happened? It was still working after the pool fall, which feels like a miracle, but after falling from the second floor, after getting slammed around in the snow, now covered in blood, will it still be able to turn back on?! lmao I'm not sure what to make yet of Alyssa's messages left hanging like that, especially after walking "into the light" with Gun. There's the fact that she's off to some schedule, so could there be a chance for those dating rumors to come up that she has to strike down? On the one hand, they feel like they could be left hanging, which kind of feels so symbolic of their whole relationship lmao but. IDK!!!! At the very least it probably needs a charge LMAO but idk idk this is the area I get murky because I think it can go so many ways. I don't think Nol has any intention of breaking up with her at this time, especially because he'll probably try to use it as a shield against Shinae, but.... I've always felt the break up would come from her due to dating rumors. Especially because of how bad his reputation is at this point (violence, roofies which makes it sound like he sexually assaults people) it would be EASY for Alyssa's agency to spin it and make it sound like indeed, she does not have a relationship with him and in fact he has frightened her or something. They were even in public at the Christmas party arguing even on the dance floor, before what happened later so. Idk SOMETHING will come of that, I'm sure.

But I'm also hoping referencing the Bible means that maybe he will find it when everyone else has left and he's bored - especially if his phone won't turn on - and take a look at the letters Shinae mentioned, since he only thought there was the one.

This is really important to me, because I need Nol so badly to see how he stands in the same place his father did. I want him to be able to better understand his parents - how his mom stayed clinging to a married man who she could not really be with, how she uprooted her child and herself to move closer to him. How she tried over and over to be there for him, to try to support him, and Rand didn't allow it. How unlike Rand, Nol has less to lose. He isn't married, he doesn't have a child, a family. He doesn't NEED to stay in a relationship that will only suffocate him, that will turn him into a hollow husk of a man like Rand did. I NEED him to realize that he is on a fast track of following in his father's footsteps, in becoming this empty meaningless man.

I want him to see how Rand's feelings for Nessa never went away. Even after she died, he still carried her around in that Bible. In her letters, in the photograph of Nol. He carried her around because he never got over her. And is Nol prepared to live that way?

This is also why I'm perfectly fine with Nol and Shinae kissing before he and Alyssa break up, because I think it would help him better understand his parents - how Rand had a duty to his marriage, but he fell in love with someone who actually meant something, and how she was the love of his life that he never got over. To understand how his mom could be with someone who was married. For him to understand that feelings are NOT logical, that you can't really control them. He never meant to develop feelings for the girl his friend likes - but it still happened.

Maybe if Nol can understand them, it will help him forgive them a little, give him a tiny bit of peace. And hopefully help him to make the right decision, to accept the love people give him, and to face his fears together with them.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH