#(I’m a mentally I’ll teenage lesbian) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

menalez · 1 year

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im sorry if you’re uncomfortable with venting if you are absolutely just delete this or ignore it but i just don’t know what to do. so i’m a 14yo lesbian and i relate to how you were as a teen a lot (ED, bdsm, suicidal, trying to come to terms w your sexuality, etc.) i live in an incredibly republican + rural area and i have a bad home life, and my parents are like devout mormons and if they ever found out that i’m gay they’d kick me out or send me to conversion therapy or my dad might rape me. i don’t have any friends, and not in a dramatic way just genuinely i’m very shy and reserved so i don’t really talk to people and i’m too scared to contact the suicide hotline because i don’t want my parents to catch me or hear me or anything like that. i’ve been sexually abused my whole childhood by all male members of my family (two brothers + my dad) and everyone in my family knows, but nothings ever happened. they all blame me. i don’t know where i’m going with this, just background i guess but i don’t know what to do. it feels like i’m ruined and i don’t know if it’ll get better. i’m so scared of the future and just the world in general, so many men have abused me especially because of how bad my area is i can barely go outside without feeling terrified i’m gonna get assaulted. i don’t know how i’ll ever date or anything like that because acknowledging that i’m gay makes me want to vomit. i don’t know. there are so many other things but i just don’t know. i’m sorry for ranting i just don’t know what to do or if it gets any better. sorry this is long and ranting i don’t want to trigger you or anything sorry

anon youre still incredibly young and from what youre telling me, it seems like your environment is the biggest issue. i also was in a terrible environment at your age, although not the same kind of terrible environment, and it exacerbated everything. being a teenager is already a stressful & difficult time, so to have to face repeated sexual abuse & rape & constant homophobia & extremely religious upbringing all at once is bound to make someone struggle with a lot of mental health issues and at such a stage, practically NO ONE would be able to fathom something like coming out or accepting their sexuality while going thru the type of stuff youre going through. i know i absolutely couldn’t. while this isnt ideal, but potentially a worst case scenario, wouldn’t you be able to be leave as an adult? like, get some kind of job or go to university and leave them from there? bc i think a lot of these issues you mentioned will be an aspect of your past as soon as you manage to get out of that house & out of that community. ik 4 years is a long time tho so ideally, if you find an excuse or means to leave even sooner then i would assume it’d be better for you in terms of your mental health. i assume the stuff you’ve mentioned to be would be grounds for calling child protective services or the police but there’s no guarantee whatever happens to you when you pursue such a path would necessarily be better. regardless, i have no reason to believe it wont *ever* get better based on what you told me, just that your family is not the kind you can keep close contact with and stay with once youre old enough to leave. i think there’s hope for you and there’s a way out of this & a chance of a good fulfilling life in the future, there’s many potential paths you could pursue especially considering your dad and brothers are downright criminals and abusers. if possible, maybe call a domestic violence hotline bc they probably will know better on how to navigate this situation. i know you said youre afraid of being overheard, if possible maybe make the call when youre at school for example in the bathrooms or when youre in the shower (have the showers on and perhaps play loud music) or when youre home alone or outside alone

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linksnonbinaryass · 1 year

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Getting to Know You Tag Game

Thanks for tagging me @teagrammy 😊 I love talking about myself

I’ll tag @oldfritz @arthoe-iceland @magicsuga and @dein-lieblingsdummkopf. Anyone else who would like to participate is welcome.

What book are you currently reading?

I had just finished reading Gideon the Ninth after years of seeing so much beautiful art of the skull-faced lesbians and I am in love.

What’s your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I haven’t been to a movie theater in years and haven’t seen any theatrically released movies from this year at all, though there are numerous movies I want to see.

So I’ll say All Quiet on the Western Front (2022). I enjoyed it a lot, but I still prefer the 1979 version.

What do you usually wear?

Old clothes that are no longer my style but I’ve been too poor to get a new wardrobe. I still look like a miserable little teenager wearing my old skinny jeans, oversized hand-me-down tees with a hoodie and my faded work boots that I’ve worn everyday since I was 17. But that’s only when I leave the house. At home, which is where I’m mostly found, I wear baggy sweats.

How tall are you?

5 ft and 1.5 in

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Scorpio. Nobody I like shares my birthday and nothing particularly interesting (that I know of) occurred on my special day.

Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

Unfortunately, I only go by my incongruous name assigned at birth. I’ve always wanted a nickname but nobody around me is creative enough to give me one.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

AHAHAHAHAHAA. Well, when I was little I wanted to become a writer and artist, and I am getting there, so that’s one thing.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

Nope. No matter how much I long for my better half I know I’m in no way shape or form ready for a serious relationship.

I have a massive crush on someone whose face I have never seen nor have I so much as heard their voice.

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

I’m good at keeping a poker-face and I’m good at planning. I’m bad at sticking with my plans, as I tend to get distracted or lose motivation.

Dogs or cats?

Cats! Dogs I find irritating and I’m not a fan of slobber. Doesn’t mean I dislike them, I just don’t want to own one. Cats on the other hand are chill, I adore them and can’t wait to get a kitten ❤️❤️

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

There are many lines of dialogue I’ve written as well as a finished character sheet I’ve drawn that I’m proud of, but I won’t post any of it here. That I’ll save for when I’ve made a separate blog for my art and writing.

What’s something you would like to create content for?

My story. I’ve never posted anything about it yet, I need to stop procrastinating and actually draw my ocs so that I have something to post.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

My ocs. I couldn’t be more obsessed with anything else, they are my world. But after reading the first book, the Locked Tomb series now occupies a little compartment in my brain as well.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

To finally leave the nest and start living like a functioning adult, which didn’t happen. But I do have a job where I make a little more than minimum wage, and there’s always next year.

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

I have pretty good aim, but I was never interested in sports or weapons to really hone the ability.

Are you religious?

FUCK no. Not a spiritual person either. I’m just raw dogging life, hoping for the best.

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

No depression and $30,000 so I don’t have to stay with my parents improving my mental health and saving money for yet another year and just dip tf out with adequate savings and a healthy mind.

#tag game #my bullshit

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peachblood3 · 2 years

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Hey! It’s been a bit. I abandoned this account (and tumblr) awhile ago. In the process of creating another account to post my art on, I’ve been looking through the many, many tumblr accounts I made in my younger adolescence. I seriously didn’t realize I made so many, all with a different username, with a different password I don’t remember and some random email I made up on the spot. Looking back at my older posts has made me feel a lot of things. Mostly sadness for my younger self, and sadness for those likely my age at the time making the posts that I would like and reblog. I have suffered a lot at the hands of my own brain, but I think I’m posting this for my younger self.

“Hey me, we’re still sick, but we kept going, and things did eventually get a bit better.”

“We’re still sick but, we finally told someone we we’re struggling.”

“Eating disorder recovery was really hard. I took a long time, a lot of tears, screaming, and hard work, but we did it!”

“We got through it!”

“We’re almost 18 now, gosh it feels weird saying that. I remember when we thought we weren’t gonna make it to 15, but we made it. We’re in our senior year and I think we’re gonna graduate, if not this year maybe the next. I dunno we’re taking things slow, at our own pace.”

“School stopped being so scary for us. We may still not have many friends just acquaintances, and our one best friend we kept from elementary school that we don’t talk to every day, but still love dearly.

“We’re still mentally ill, but we have a lot of skills now, and our bad days aren’t as bad or often as they used to be.”

“Little me I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for being so strong and getting us to 17. I’m sorry for all that I’ve put us through.”

“Little me. We’re still sick, we’re still strange, we’re still anxious, but. We’re also still an artist, we still paint, and draw, we still have a ‘unique’ sense of fashion. We actually wear crop tops occasionally now accompanied by long flowy skirts just like we always wanted to. We stopped waiting for the day we were “skinny enough” to wear what we wanted. We just wear what we want now because it makes us feel good.”

“Little me I think you’re going to be very happy to hear that after high school we’re going to school to be a pastry chef (aka baker). We’re living for ourselves now.”

“Little me, I hope you know now that we didn’t miss out on our adolescence. The idea of a teenage dream is kind of made up, and I don’t think we would have enjoyed the “normal” teenager experience all that much, from what I’ve heard it’s not all that great. Life doesn’t end when you grow up. We can still make friends, have our first kiss, learn to drive, and do all the other normal teenager things after 18. We can do it whenever! Because time doesn’t matter in that kind of way.”

“We may not know everything, or even most things yet, but I think we’ve finally learned that we are so much more that our mental illness/sickness. We are more than our eating disorder, we our more than our OCD, we are more than our anxiety, we are more than our depression, our paranoia, mood swings, hallucinations, and scars.”

“We are a person. A whole human being and, I love us. I love little me. I know I’ll love old me cause she’ll be one badass lil lesbian with cotton candy pink hair, living off somewhere with sheep. But most importantly I love me right now. For all my good and my bad.”

Here’s to another day!

Sincerely someone who made it out

#eating disoder recovery #im still here #i didnt die #mental illness #mental heath awareness #i cant spell

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thornybushybrambles · 1 year

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💩 🦸‍♀️ 🧑🦕💻 🌄 !!

💩 it gave me the complete works of Franz Kafka so today I am coining and assigning myself Kafkagender : a kafkaesque gender identity defined by oppressive and nightmarish qualities (:

🦸‍♀️ gosh…I’m realizing now I’ve got a “no heroes, they’ll always disappoint you” philosophy to life so I don’t really have a sole feminist I look up to because I end up disagreeing with them all at some point lol. Maybe I’ll go with the easy route of our lady of twitter JK Rowling for standing up for women in the face of public backlash, and because I did a presentation on her and bonded over her books with my lesbian feminist grandmother

👩 I think this one was name any woman? Ummmmm…. Alison Bechdel. If I could make a name for myself drawing lesbians, I would die happy

🦕 if my blog was an animal it would be some kind of scurrying creature. Like a badger, or a weasel. I am small but will absolutely bite and maim you

💻 oh man, see the -fem stuff takes me back lol. I doubt anyone from 2017 would care about me now, but I had nicefem in my description for a quick second before I deactivated my radblr blog and subsequently my brain to go ID as stupid shit for the next 4 years. Nowadays I think it’s silly but good fun, I hope I’m horny enough on main to one day be bestowed the freakfem title 👑

🌄 my original peak was a classic case of “wow I really don’t like dick, why are you trying to make lesbians like dick??” but I had the wonderful privilege of going to a liberal high school (kin drama regarding doubles and shifting was IRL, like…that’s how bad it was….) and walking into my GSA for the first time, only lesbian in school mind you, and the discussion was about how a lesbian could date a man if she wanted because actions =/= identity 🤡

I’ve been called biphobic, transphobic, terfy, and exclusionary to my face, more than once in my life just for being a lesbian. Unfortunately, the tragic story is actually that I unpeaked for a bit when my mental health got super fucking bad, spiraled into an ED, rejected all forms of womanhood, made my dysphoria worse, and stopped identifying as a lesbian. Everyone around me was some kind of trans or genderqueer and kept telling me I was too and I just got sick of fighting it. I wish I knew exactly what got me out of that fog, but I can’t pinpoint a single moment. I think a combo of researching veganism and realizing how we exploit female animals, roe v wade being over turned, recovering from my eating disorder and learning to accept my body, and having reoccurring dreams about specific goddesses that I used to worship as a teenager was enough to make me resolidfy the fact that I cannot run away from being a homosexual female, so I might as well liberate myself. And if I deserve liberation, every other woman does too

Thank you for the ask! 💚🦡

#ask

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prismatic-bell · 3 years

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HEY ALL MY NEW YORK CITY QUEERS!!!

I need your assistance, please, because NYC is not my neighborhood.

So my niece came out this summer. To me she said “probably a lesbian but I’m not sure,” to my sister she said “not straight.” We’re waiting for her to find labels she’s comfortable with if she wants them, so let’s go with “not straight” for this post.

My sister is doing her best to be a good ally and support to my niece, sometimes to an extent that it makes me cry (I think of what it was like for me to be a queer teenager in the 00s and to see the love and unconditional support Maya is getting is just….it’s overwhelming, is what it is). A significant amount of the family is in NYC, and they’re visiting for Thanksgiving.

My sister said she wants to connect Maya a little with the queer community in NYC—basically just to say “here are people who are even more Your People than I’m able to be, here is your history and your community, you are allowed to be part of this.” Problem is, Maya is 13, and what Angel’s been able to find has almost unilaterally been spaces and events for adults.

I suggested visiting the Stonewall Inn, because even if Maya can’t go inside she can still see where it happened and they can do a little research together on Stonewall and what happened there. I also suggested a “treasure hunt” for some of the Keith Haring murals. But, Angel understandably wants options to choose from. (She’s particularly interested in finding a play—whether on Broadway or off—that’s queer friendly.)

So: if you were handed a 13-year-old for a couple of days, and told “please show her some of her history and community while we’re here,” where would you take her? Are there queer-owned shops or restaurants the family can go to? What’s currently playing that might be of interest? (Personal request: please, PLEASE, nothing in the vein of RENT or Angels In America. They are important parts of queer history and I will watch them with her when she’s older. Right now we’re looking for positive and affirming. I’m not trying to hide the AIDS crisis from her, but for her mental health let’s get some good rep under her belt before we go for “and also, basically everybody died.”) What queer landmarks would be your must-sees? Are there any events like drag shows that are open to under-18s?

I’ll be forwarding any suggestions to my sister for her and Maya to peruse. Keep in mind these do not have to be huge things! If you live in a neighborhood with a tiny restaurant owned by a cute lesbian couple who decorated the place in pride flags, TELL ME. If there an upcoming art exhibit by someone local who’s queer, TELL ME. The present is as important as the past.

Thank you, folks! My sister has a strict “no pictures of my kids on social media because they deserve to create their own online image when they’re old enough” policy, but I’d love to share the results with you when the fam gets back to Houston.

#queer stuff #new york #queer history #lgbtq #signal boost

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sehnsuchts-trunken · 2 years

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random tmr headcanons

right so this is basically just for @friendlyneighborhoodcapricorn and myself because we like to analyse stuff but feel free to read this too if you’re interested in random maze runner headcanons!

(literally I can tell you that half of these are gonna end up being gally and minho and I already apologise for that)

triggerwarnings btw! and spoilers? i talk about newt’s leg a lot and also about the end of the first tmr film, so if you’re not in a slightly angsty mood, you might want to switch to my more happy headcanons

- Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind rn was that Gally is bi. And then I just went, yeah, as everyone else is. And idk if this is something I should even put as a random headcanon here but I'm gonna do it anyway because I have thoughts on these people's sexualities and I'm gonna share them. So yes, Gally is bi. I'm convinced that this is absolutely the case. I saw one bi Gally edit like a year ago and totally went with it from then on. Minho's also bi. Thomas is. Sonya is. Brenda is. Teresa is. Newt's gay. Aris is pan. Harriet's a lesbian. Literally show me one straight maze runner character, I'm telling you there's none. Apart from rat man maybe omfg-

Anyway moving on though, onto the real stuff!

- Gally and Minho are friends, even if they’re not best friends, and honestly Minho's not the only one who's indeed friends with Gally. Everyone makes it seem like he's this lonely brooding type of guy, but hell, in the first film he was able to convince at least like 1/4th of the Gladers to stay with him even after their second-in command and the most important other keepers leave, and more than half of them to fucking sacrifice Thomas and Teresa to the Grievers. Which not only means that this man has a lot to say in the Glade and is also definitely rhetorically and psychologically skilled, but also that quite some people trust and rely on his judgement. Idk whether the keepers were just made keepers because they arrived in the Glade earlier than others (which I'm not even certain is actually a thing in the books but I'm way too lazy and tired to research) but I'm pretty sure that to stick with that title, you did have to play a big part in the shit that was happening.

- Despite almost always being picked on, Chuck was a little brother to everyone, not only Thomas. Every and any Glader had a sweet spot for this boy, even Alby. I mean, don't we get to see Chuck pranking Gally with Thomas, saying he usually does that with Minho?? Don't we get to see Alby giving Chuck the important role of being tour guide regardless of how many other people there are? Don't we get to see how much his death affects the group???

- Frypan's cooking actually could be good. Fight me on this if you want, I'll stand my ground. Frypan actually is talented, he could earn his spot if given the chance. But he's not. He's put in a glade with the task to keep like 30 teenage boys alive, literally no materials given. He does his best working with what he has - and working with what he's allowed to use. Don't tell me Alby doesn't make rules here as well. If Frypan were given more resources and freedom in his cooking, this boy would sweep everyone off their feet with the results.

- Everyone loves the bonfire nights, and it's the only reason everyone is excited for Greenies to arrive too. Like, take the bonfire nights away and these people have nothing at all to look forward to anymore. So yes, they're spending their resources unnecessarily in a material sense, but without that, I'm quite sure that there would be much more boys like Newt. Bonfires are a mental relief for all of them, and honestly the fact that they're not having them every night is both resourceful and actually psychologically smart as well. It's important that they have them, and it's important that they have them in exactly the way they do. Now this might not be a headcanon because it is canon that they have them, but I needed to share my thoughts, because hell, they live in this depressing ass reality, facing the possibility of dying every single day, not knowing if there’s even anything worth working towards, and there was only one single boy who threw himself off of a wall.

#tmr #tmr headcanons #headcNons #maze runner #the maze runner #maze runner headcanons

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sazandorable · 4 years

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About moderating and banning content on AO3!

Okay so! I haven’t had the spoons to do this for a while but I cracked and ranted about it on twitter which is... not... conducive to long rants, so!

This is a h u g e discussion part of the l o n g history that led to the creation of AO3, which older, more informed, and more articulate people have talked about at length and can be found around if you look (I reblog some of it in my AO3 and fandom history tags for the curious). So I won’t go into that here, nor into the practical reasons why it’s not even possible to put that system in place anyway.

Arbitrarily, or the purpose of this post, because it’s the biggest topic I’ve seen brought up lately, I’ll be talking about fic depicting underage characters in se*ual situations, but honestly I could hold the exact same conversation on literally any controversial content.

This is about why you, specifically, if you are a content creator and especially if you are marginalised and especially if you are queer and especially especially if you are sensitive to fiction depicting certain things... do not, actually, want a banning system on AO3.

What? Of course we do. There’s a lot of p*do shit on AO3 and p*do shit is gross. No one should condone that, wtf? It would be easy to do — just periodically delete the entire Underage tag!

What will happen if that is done is that people will re-upload and continue to write it, they’ll just stop tagging and you will run into it with zero warning nor ability to filter it out. Again, this is not a theoretical — we know this is what happens. When I was a teen, adult content (all adult content) was not allowed on FF.NET; it was everywhere regardless, and without tags. The exact same thing happened on tumblr when adult content was banned as well. It’s not a matter of “staff not handling it well” — it just doesn’t work.

To keep safe the people who need to be able to exclude that tag, that tag needs to exist and be used.

Well, shucks. A reporting system then?

A reporting system would operate in one of two ways:

-an algorithm, which would delete a lot of stuff we wouldn’t want it to delete.

-humans, which is... the bigger problem.

An algorithm sounds great. We do want it to delete everything.

Okay. What about the daddy k*nk fics between consenting adult characters? What about the fics featuring characters that are children in the canon but are adults in the fic? What about the fics about teenagers exploring their se*uality together, written by adults about the experiences they remember having or wish they could have had? What about the thousands of SasuNaru and Drarry and other shounen and YA fics that will get written, by teens or by people who remember being teens? What about the se*ually explicit fic written by teens who are se*ually active in real life? What about the fics about CSA as trauma, about healing from it? What about the fics written by survivors of CSA to cope about their trauma? What about the fics that clearly show that it’s evil and traumatic? What about the super dark, harrowing, but beautiful and artistic that I’m glad I read even though it fucked me up for days? What about the ones that were really shitty but also horribly hot?

Well, some of these are still not okay, but maybe some might be. It depends on how it’s written. We’ll have humans moderating content and deciding, then.

Okay.

The thing is, I don’t know which of the things I just listed were okay for you to be depicted in fiction and which were too much. Odds are I don’t agree with you. Odds are if I asked 10 people randomly picked off the street, not everyone would agree.

Odds are, even if AO3 arbitrarily decided on which of those are allowed and which are not, you would not agree with their choice, and you would still be unhappy with the decision. (Or you would be happy, but your friends wouldn’t.)

Odds are, different AO3 content moderators might not agree on whether a given fic qualifies or not — is it artistic enough? Does it show enough that these actions are evil and wrong? Can the author prove they’re a teenager? Can the author prove they are a CSA victim? Can the author prove that this is to help them cope with their trauma? The author seem to be functioning alright, they mustn’t really be traumatised!

You know what I mean! There’s absolute, objectively gross shit out there that is not artistic and should not be published.

I agree that there’s vile stuff out there that makes me sick and that I think is very clearly just ped*philic trash. But there is no way to, 1) stop those from getting published anyway, 2) take those down and preserve the safety of everything else.

If we start forbidding some things, there’s two ways to go about it.

One single, clear, arbitrary rule — for instance, absolutely no adult content featuring characters under 18 (leaving aside the fact that this would not even work for the reason cited above). So we lose all the stuff from teenagers, all the coming of age stories about adolescence, all the stuff from CSA survivors; people who need to write it can’t publish it anymore, and people who need to read it can’t anymore either (and as a cool bonus, they’re told it’s wrong and made to feel bad about it). Depending on whether the rules applies to characters that are under 18 in the canon, we lose entire fandoms.

Or, subjective moderation by humans, according to what they estimate to be gross.

Let’s assume all moderators can agree on what’s gross or not.

If there is a system in place to ban some underage works because “gross shit”, then that means other gross stuff can be taken down on account of being gross and harmful.

Yeah! Gross stuff should be taken down! Come on, surely everyone agrees on what’s gross and harmful.

Ah.

But the problem is.

Here is a list of things I have seen — with my eyes seen — called harmful to be depicted in fiction:

Murder

Non-con

Inc*st

Cannibalism

Torture

Self-harm

Mental illness

Drugs

Racism

K*nk

Non-negotiated k*nk, but healthy k*nk is ok

Spanking k*nk

BDSM where the woman is a bottom, but woman top is ok

Healthy depictions of BDSM

Unhealthy depictions of BDSM

Queer people doing bad things

Abusive relationships

Rival/Enemies to lovers

Redemption stories

A happy relationship between a 17 yo and an 18 yo

A happy relationship between a 20 yo and a 60 yo

A happy relationship between a boss and their employee, or a college teacher and a student

A happy relationship between a 14 yo boy and an older teenage boy, because that’s reminiscent of older men preying on younger gay boys IRL

Se*ual content featuring a character whose age is unclear in canon and some people headcanon them as being underage, some as being a young adult

Loving, consensual fluff between characters that are evil villains, because it romanticises them and their actions

Dark content shipping female characters

Fluffy content shipping female characters, because it’s misogynistic to act like lesbians are only soft all the time

Consensual s*x featuring a canonically asexual character, because it implies that all aces can and should still have se*

Fics about the same canonically asexual character hating s*x, because that erases the experience of s*x-positive aces

Shipping a character who is perceived by some fans as queer-coded with a character of a different s*x

The tendency to ship a black character with white characters

Fluffy drunk s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Sleep s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Trans characters not experiencing dysphoria, because that idealises the trans experience

Consensual s*x between adults that are not married

LGBT+ content, because kids shouldn’t see that.

I guarantee you: you, I, and 10 random people plucked from the street will not agree on what, in that list, is and isn’t okay to publish and consume fiction of.

So why should your taste be the one followed? Why should it be the taste of mods you don’t know? Why should anyone get to dictate? What if the mods think your OTP is gross and your NOTP is fine?

This is the slippery slope argument.

Yes, it is the slippery slope argument. Because we know it happens. Because we’ve been there, because I’ve seen it happen myself twice already and I’m not even thirty. Because we know people do complain loudly about all of these things.

And because the second there is a banning system in place, assholes will use the system to abuse it and get stuff they just don’t like taken down using the “it is gross” argument, and one day you’ll wake up and the beautiful fic that helped you come to terms with your abuse/trauma/identity/orientation/k*nk for feet will be taken down and wonderful vulnerable creative people will have been harassed out of fandom because they argued with 1 person who didn’t like their foot k*nk fic that happened to also feature, for instance, a CSA trauma backstory.

Again: not exaggerating. Not theoretical. It happens, we know it happens, AO3 was created literally because it happens.

I still fucking hate that stuff.

That is completely fine and normal. No one likes everything. Me too! Most of the dark stuff is niche and the creators know only few people will like it the same way they do.

(For the record, I get grossed out and triggered by fics about an asexual character who does not like s*x having s*x with their partner to make them happy. Deep in my gut everything screams that that’s fucked up, terrifying and harmful, how can people write that. But I recognise that there are people who love and need that, and I leave those people and their content alone.

OTOH, I read a lot of otherwise dark shit and I enjoy it in the same way I enjoyed, say, Hannibal, in the same way some people enjoy true crime documentaries, horror movies or r*pe fantasy k*nk. It helps me explore stuff that I like to see in fiction, in a safe, controlled way. I’m also asexual, 90% s*x-repulsed IRL, and, obviously, I would never abuse a child. For that matter, I wouldn’t kill and eat people, either, nor would I do 90% of the tamer k*nky stuff I read.

Of course, Hannibal was fucked up and lots of people probably think Hannibal was gross and should not have been aired — but as exemplified by the fact that it was created, aired and watched, lots of people thought it was fine, interesting and even fun to watch.)

You can and should curate your experience and protect yourself. The AO3 website now allows you to exclude certain tags, and people have developed tools to help with that such as plugins that save your filters or hide fics that contain certain words.

But no, it isn’t going to, and it shouldn’t, get banned.

#ao3 #fandom history #aaaaand that's all im going to tag

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gonzo-rella · 2 years

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REQUESTING RULES, WHAT I WILL/WON’T WRITE AND INFORMATION YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE REQUESTING

[EDIT: As of 27/07/2023, I’m no longer prioritising requests over what I personally feel like writing. If you’ve already sent in a request, you can send it to another blog; just make sure to let me know so I can remove it from my to-do list. If you’re planning on sending in a request, keep in mind that there’s a chance I’ll get to it if I accept it.)

I decided to re-write my rules because I’ve started writing character x character stuff (on my AO3). I thought it would be easier than just editing the existing post of my rules.

Prepare yourself for the most passive aggressive piece of writing you’ll ever find on my blog. Keep in mind that I’m an angry teenager. Feel free to ask for clarification if something didn’t come across well.

Please be polite when making a request. A please and thank you is appreciated when requests are made, or at least a tone of discernible positivity/politeness.

My requests ARE NOT written nor posted on a first come, first served basis. That might be unfair, but sometimes I lack the motivation to write certain requests at a certain moment. If I were to write requests on a first come, first served most of them would turn out looking lazy and, overall, shitty. If it’s any consolation, you get fanfiction from me for free.

Requests are always open despite the fact I have almost 40 drafts at this moment in time. However, as you could probably infer from the previous bullet point, your request might not be written/posted for a while following my acceptance of your request.

Be specific if you want something specific. If you want a headcanon, ask for a headcanon. If you want a one-shot, ask for a one-shot. Same goes for romantic/platonic. If I like the request enough (or even you, dear requester), I’ll more than likely just ask you if you fail to mention certain details that I can’t just fill in myself.

Please don’t send a request to me that you have sent to another blog, unless I turn down the request, or the blog you sent the request to before me turned down the request.

This blog is mainly a reader-insert fanfiction blog. However, I will write headcanons for ships on this blog, provided I like and/or ship said ship. My character x character fics will go on my AO3.

On that note, you can submit requests for my AO3 (i.e. CC x CC ships) through my ask box on here. I have no idea if anyone would be interested in that, but the offer’s there. I don’t usually get many ideas for CC x CC stuff myself, so I’d be more than happy to write out your ideas and requests.

[AS OF 1st JUNE 2022; UPDATED 24th AUG 2022] I only accept requests for a gender neutral!reader, non-binary!reader or trans!reader. I will, however, write a fem!reader or male!reader with a canonically gay character if the request is romantic. I will still write gay characters x gn!reader, though.

WHAT I WILL WRITE:

Feel free to ask, if something isn’t on either of these lists.

LGBTQ+ relationships

Polyamorous relationships

Queerplatonic relationships

Non-binary and trans readers

Plus size, tall, short etc. readers

POC readers (as long as you bear in mind that I’m whiter than a line of coke)

Mental illness (as long as nothing is romanticised)

Neurodivergent characters and readers

Unlabelled/‘straight’/straight characters as queer

WHAT I WON’T WRITE:

Feel free to ask, if something isn’t on either of these lists.

Smut

Characters OOC for the sake of romance

Depraved shit (pedophilia, incest etc.)

Gay/lesbian characters in M/F relationships

Anything that erases ace/aro identities

Anything that erases trans/nonbinary identities

Crossovers (unless the pieces of media exist in the same universe)

Anything without a gn!reader, nonbinary!reader or trans!reader (unless the request is romantic and the requested character is canonically gay)

Anything that is queerphobic, racist, sexist, ableist etc. (I don’t entirely mind presenting these things, as long as what’s being written itself doesn’t condemn people from these kinds of marginalised groups)

I don’t want to deter people from sending in anything by me posting this, as I know requesting, with or without a rigid set of rules, can be pretty nerve-wracking. While I’ll be at least mildly frustrated if someone sends in anything that goes against anything outlined in this post, I’m completely aware that mistakes happen. As long as you’re at least polite in your request, I’ll be as polite as possible in my response.

To the people who will adhere to everything written here when requesting, thanks.

To the people who won’t, there’s not much I can do but please be nice to me, k?

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goose-books · 3 years

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sensitivity reader call for modern LGBT high school shakespeare retelling

[image: a picture of a row of light blue school lockers, over which are the words SENSITIVITY READER CALL! in white text.]

hi! i’m max & i’m seeking sensitivity readers for my podcast-in-process, A Modern Tragedy!

demographics sought

Muslim

Desi (specifically Indian & Pakistani)

Black

Trans woman / transfemme

Plus size

Working-class

the story

Rahma Ashiq didn’t expect her sophomore year of high school to be quite so Shakespearean. But she’s determined to vlog her way through the chaos: the freak thunderstorms, the ghost sightings, the usurpation of the drama club presidency, the theater director who might be a faerie queen, all of the mental breakdowns, and, of course, the girl with whom Rahma might be in hopeless, star-crossed, all-consuming love.

in less fancy terms, AMT is a sixteen-episode tragicomedy podcast with the general idea of “what if Romeo & Juliet, Hamlet, and Macbeth all happened at the same time, in the same modern high school, to a few overlapping groups of gaytrans high schoolers?”

some other things it features: shakespeare jokes, gay love, explorations of teenage mental health, substantial amounts of #ownvoices OCD rep, drama club shenanigans, and Idiots™. you can find the main page here and the character intro posts here!

cw note: i describe AMT as a tragicomedy because it starts out very light, gets progressively darker, and ends on an optimistic note! thus, while i can guarantee a happy ending (for one thing, the gay people don’t die at the end!), i need to warn broadly for mental health triggers, suicide in particular. all three plays AMT retells deal, to varying degrees, with suicide, and it felt disingenuous not to address it in a story focused on modern teenagers. so the topic gets a not-insignificant amount of page time. other triggers involved (though to lesser degrees) include self-harm and unhealthy family dynamics.

if you’re interested in reading an excerpt of the script, to get a feel for the writing style, allow me to direct you here! (ft. rahma, reuben, + bitty prepping for homecoming)

payment

due to my financial circumstances, i’m unable to offer monetary payment at this time; however, i’m happy to offer editing, beta reading, and sensitivity reading in return:

i can edit and/or beta read your writing! by which i mean that i can do lower-level edits like line editing or typo sweeping, or i can do a full-on beta read! in terms of [straightens my tie] qualifications, i’ve been writing things for basically my entire life; i’ve done nano thrice; you can read excerpts of my work here if you want to judge my qualifications further!

i can also sensitivity read for the following demographics:

lesbian (specifically a nonbinary & butch lesbian if either of those is relevant)

transmasc (specifically i’m transmasc & nonbinary! not a trans man clearly as i am a lesbian, but i can give general tips on representing trans characters)

generalized anxiety disorder

ocd

adhd

apply

if you’d like to apply, please fill out this google form and i’ll get back to you as soon as possible!

ty for reading this post & have a lovely day!

(tagging some of the amt/general folks if any of y’all are willing to boost this for me! @piyawrites @harehearts @narratorstragedy @haldimilks @albatris @writingbyjillian )

#max.txt #writeblr #amwriting #sensitivity readers #amt tag

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flootoot · 3 years

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i’m sorry but does twt not see how they’re forcing a 17 year old boy on an extremely high pedestal? it makes me sick to know that ranboo can’t have one single mistake in anything without being crucified for it and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to know how much they “worship” a cc. like... you realize they’re people, right? you’re going to tell me that you, as a human (which is basically genetically coded to HAVE FLAWS), has never accidentally OR intentionally done something to offend someone else? you’ve never offended someone... ever? or what about your close friends or family that you care about? they’ve never slipped up either? and i just can’t wrap my head around how they don’t see how detrimental this is ranboos mental health. he is SEVENTEEN, he’s allowed to mess up, he’s allowed to make mistakes and LEARN FROM THEM. i messed up so many times when i was 17, big mistakes and small ones, but guess what? i learned because i was educated properly, not scolded for making stupid teenage mistakes. ranboo shouldn’t have to literally feel like he is going to be cancelled and tossed to the wind over every little mistake he makes. (i don’t know how everyone else sees it, as a cishet , i don’t want to overstep and choose how to see it, but for now i’ll label the lesbian comments as a mistake as to not discredit any lesbian.) either way, it’s sickening and just completely disgusting as to how twt handled all of this and it’s unsettling to know that they will continue to keep ranboo on a pedestal

#ranboo #ranboo neg #this is a big rant and if i said something that was not right to say or just not factually right lmk so i can fix it

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himboob-enthusiast · 4 years

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Hi I too love fictional men way more than real ones I was just wondering if you could write something where some of the Class 1-A boys comfort you after you have a bad mental health day or get stuck in a depression rut like Kirishima and Midorya and Bakugou or whoever you feel comfortable writing for 🥺 I’ve just been having a rough week and could use a pick me up but don’t worry if you don’t want to write it or don’t have time !!!! Have a great day lovely <3!!!

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough week puttus :(( drink water and eat a good meal or im gonna rip ur toes off and use them as lesbian earrings >:))) but i hope this make you feel better!! and you’re like my first ask so i’m eggxcited so lets get into it

Midoriya

this man is all types of traumatized ngl to you chief but, he knows what it feels like when you just feel like rotting in your bed all day

if you haven’t brushed your teeth or showered because of this he would be like ~self care day~ in the disguise of trying to get you to be hygienic again

after you come out the shower with tangled hair he smiles softly at you and ushers you to sit at the foot of your bed

this nerd would put on old all might documentaries and very gently comb through your hair to make sure he gets all the knots and tangles out

he would prob have those sweet mug cake mixes and make a few with you as comfort food :,)))

after watching a few documentaries he’d take you outside to get some fresh air and look at the stars

he’d let you vent or give you a shoulder to silently cry on because he’s the type of person to hurt when he sees someone he cares about hurting

once your eyes are all puffy and cried out he gives you the softest look of admiration because you are just so pretty awooga teenage boy brain no think

overall 10/10 good person to vent to and super understanding

I am so happy you made it this far. You don’t have to worry about keeping everything in Y/N. I am here.

Bakugou

he is also apart of trauma gang someone pls send this man to therapy

he gives aggressive affection and would be like “you look and smell like shit go take a shower or something” he definitely didn’t leave a bathbomb on your bed wtf

when you come and sit down on his bed with your head cast down in sadness he has a rough time trying to figure out how to best comfort you

he headbutts you *but with affection and love* and he grabs the back of your neck and pulls it into his chest

“if you tell anyone I did this I’ll invert your rib cage”

after he sees you at your worst he’ll try to make sure you only go up from there

if you have banana in your room he’ll take a tooth pick and write “eat me” on it

when he sees you slowly making improvements he makes sure to tell you he’s proud of you because coming out of a depression rut is tough

bakugou loves you is emotionally intelligent he’s just is a lil piss baby but he’s ur piss baby

Don’t stay down for too long dumbass, you act like I’m not right here if you need anything. Don’t fucking smile so hard god damn it-

Kirishima

unfortunately he knows exactly how it feels

when he was questioning his decisions for becoming a hero he went through a horrible depressive episode

he constantly tells you how manly you are for making it this far but, now you have a rock to lean on

he writes you sticky notes on encouragement when he asked to borrow some math notes and when you read them they’re so sincere you almost cry

he gets flustered when you hugs him and thank him for his words of kindness and he gets so soft for you

he would take you to the gym with him because he thinks exercising will help you out to get some serotonin in your think meat

super earnest and will listen very closely if you vent to him to get some stuff of your chest and would add some advice or comments so you know he’s listening and internalizing everything

he is your rock of emotional stability and he thinks you’re so manly for trusting him with your deep internal thoughts

I’m so glad you came to me and you don’t have to be in your head all the time man! I’m all ears and whenever you need your rock I’m just a phone call away.

last minute thoughts

aghabfoanfo this is my first time writing so if anyone has any suggestions or anything lemme know mwuah thanks for reading

#my hero academia #my hero academia x reader #my hero academia comfort #mha headcanons #mha x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #deku x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #midoriya izuku x reader #kirishima eijirou x reader #soleil writes!#mha imagines #bnha imagines

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aegor-bamfsteel · 3 years

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I know you're a blackfyre stan (THE Blackfyre stan, really), but are there any Targaryens that you do like, besides the wonderful Daena?

I'll take that as a compliment (although I consider myself more of a regular fan than a “stan”). While there do seem to be more Blackfyre fans on the Westeros Forums or Tower of the Hand than on Tumblr, even on this site I'm far from the only one, or even the only one who writes meta. A 2015 Reddit poll indicates that House Blackfyre is among the top 20 favorite ASOIAF houses, which, given that the members of House Blackfyre don't appear in the main series, are mentioned in only one of the supplementary books (The World of Ice and Fire), and only one member appears in one Dunk and Egg novella, is actually very impressive. They rank higher than Houses Blackwood and Velaryon, two of GRRM's most glorified houses in the supplementary material. Their favorability despite few canon appearances proves that GRRM doesn't need to prop them up with improbable marriages to his most popular houses (Stark, Lannister, Baratheon, or Targaryen), or to have unrealistically successful heroes (like 12 year old expert generals) whose atrocities (burning smallfolk septs or sexually preying on multiple teenagers as a middle aged man) aren't condemned in the narrative. Rather, he gave them potential to be compelling characters who try to do the right thing against a corrupt government that has to commit war crimes to stay in power, that question the validity of the Targaryen legacy in a post-dragon world, that get betrayed by people who aren't shown to be 2D cartoon villains, whose faults (even the imagined ones) are (overly) called out by the narrative, are tragic in that they are shown to be honorable or talented people but pursue a goal that kills them, or that try hard to succeed despite their physical or mental disadvantages.

Which segues in to the next part of your question: if there are any Targaryen characters I like besides Daena:

If you had asked me this before Fire and Blood came out, I would've had an easier time answering! I might've said something like: Visenya, Aegon I, Queen Alyssa, Queen Rhaena, Alysanne, Rhaenys the Queen who Never Was, Helaena, Daeron the Daring, Aegon III, Jaehaera, Baela the Burnt, Daeron I, Elaena, Rhaena the Septa, Queen Aelinor, Prince Daeron son of Aegon V, and Rhaella. Then Fire and Blood was published, and it actually made the characters less interesting, deep, or likable with its greater word count. My sometime collaborator fury-burns said it best in that it was world unbuilding "that added unnecessary edginess to an already grim piece of writing". Whether it was not knowing how to write the much-hyped Aegon I as a compelling character, Visenya becoming bloodthirsty to the point of having few political allies and chastised by Aenys for her advice on dealing with the Faith, Queen Alyssa's abuse after her marriage to Robar, Rhaena retconned into a lesbian (she was clearly in love with Androw in The Sons of the Dragon and Elissa was nowhere in sight) who smothered her daughter into an early grave and spent her last years as a miserable "ghost" of Harrenhal, Alysanne who obeyed her husband in not seeing Saera and tried to protect her grown up son from "predations" by his 14-year-old sister, Rhaenys who married the 21-years-older Corlys Velaryon "for love" and was killed in the only battle she was ever mentioned participating in, Aegon III as Jaehaera's cruel bully who didn't even mourn her passing, or Baela who was retconned into being younger and not having visible burn scars in order to be a more palatable wife to GRRM's favorite Alyn Velaryon (I find this one the most offensive given what it indicates about his expectations for women) and then cuts the same man who saved her life across the face with a riding crop...well, Fire and Blood made me realize it wasn't so much the characters as GRRM had written them that I liked, but the potential I or other fans saw in them to be multifaceted like those in the main series. The characters that didn't do anything particularly heinous in-universe were massively watered down, sexist versions of amazing historical figures (I explain in a response post about Helaena vs Queen Mathilde of Boulogne), or abused for shock value/the anger of a male character.

I got my start in the fandom just before A Dance With Dragons came out, and consequently I was there when some truly great pre-canon fics were published. I have some fond memories as a teenager waiting in the library reading fanfics on Aegon and his sisters, Maegor and Aenys, or Baela and her family. Seeing their complicated, brilliantly written, memorable versions of the characters contradicted by the blatantly rushed, shallow, and plot-based characterization of Fire and Blood made me feel badly for the effort the fans put in that GRRM refused to (he actually hates all but some fanfiction). I understand creating characters with a backstory and have their actions flow logically from that backstory, and giving them an arc in which they develop, is difficult (and is really almost impossible through the format in which GRRM chose to write the supplemental books, which explains why he thinks it's easier to write) but the characters are why readers love the series. None of the characters in Fire and Blood can hold a candle to the complexity, the unique design, or the impressive character development of Theon Greyjoy, Jaime Lannister, Tyrion Lannister, Sansa Stark, Catelyn Stark, Stannis Baratheon, or Daenerys Targaryen. If he had written these characters like he did Fire and Blood, it would've been a forgettable, grimdark Tolkien rip-off along the lines of Terry G00dkind's L3gend of the S33ker.

Thus I'm holding off on saying I like any of the other Targaryen characters until GRRM is finished with them. The only ones from Fire and Blood that I still think are interesting and have some kind of compelling internal conflict (though I still don’t think they were written with their full potential, and could’ve used more development on their relationships) are Queen Visenya and Prince Daeron the Daring. Princess Elaena, Aelinor Penrose, and Ser Daeron in particular have the potential to be interesting, conflicted characters from the back half of the Targaryen reign, but I no longer trust GRRM to follow up on them in a meaningful way. Reading Fire and Blood also gave me more appreciation for the canon-era Targaryens Viserys and Daenerys, and how much more carefully written they are than their ancestors.

#ask #opinion #house Targaryen #asoiaf #grrm criticism #GRRM critical #characters #opinions #house blackfyre #fandom

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uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years

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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

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bae-science · 3 years

Text

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

#pacific rim #pac rim #mine #newmann #pacific rim uprising #fic rec

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