#(and also she is so mentally ill and literally made of anxiety that the idea of any permanent alteration to literally anything makes you

[chaos-coming]

My aunt and cousin dont understand why my sister and i are fucked up, bc our parents abused us and did not make decisions based on our wellbeing, only their own. But my aunt was not abused by her parents the way that her brother (our dad) was, so she isnt fucked in the head like our parents are, and so in turn she did not abuse her son (our cousin), and neither of them can comprehend just how badly our parents treated us in comparison to how she raised her family. And it makes it really hard for me to see how my aunt did everything so that my cousin would have good experiences and grow and learn and explore, while our parents did everything to make their own lives easier, and their children were just a nuissance that gave them anxiety and whom they disposed of at the earliest convenience (lock them in the house) or else needed micromanage because they had too much anxiety and no desire to view children as humans instead of housepets who obey orders and produce academic successes they can brag about, and never have needs of their own or want to leave the house. My aunt took my cousin travelling all over the country, we were taken to the house and dropped off like luggage, forbidden to leave or interact with anyone. To say that i'm jealous my cousin had a childhood that didnt come straight out of a shrink's notebook would be a wild underexaggeration. I resent our parents so much for being shit at being parents and my aunt and cousin have zero clue how terrible they were and all they can say is stop being so negative not everything is your parents' fault. Which is super frustrating and invalidating bc its like if YOUR parents had abused you the way my parents did and their parents did, then youd understand just how thoroughly and deeply abusive parents can fuck your life up

[liyawritesss]

ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴇʟʟɪᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍꜱ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇ...

Characters: Ellie Williams x Black!Fem!Reader

From: The Last Of Us Part II (Game Series)

Type: Headcanons

Synopsis: What would it be like to fall in love with the smart-mouthed badass Ellie Williams in a world recovering from a zombie apocalypse?

Warnings: mentions of game-canon violence, mentions of weapons (primarily guns), mentions of blood, mentions of mental illness, cursing

A/N: Yet another tag I gotta fill with x black!reader, cuz lets be honest - let Ellie get a black gf; all manners and common sense are going out the window. JOEL IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THIS

Tags: @verachii @percsane

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You and Ellie first met when she was sent to your little garden/apothecary to assist you in finding some plants that had been rebudding around the Jackson community area. At first, she was apprehensive to the idea - why did she of all people had to go out and collect fucking flowers and leaves? - but her mouth had already gotten her into trouble today, and she couldn’t bear another lecture from anyone, so she bit her tongue hard and went to find your little greenhouse near the center of town.

Her amazement comes across as a look of confusion when she steps into the greenhouse. She’s met with a pleasant scent of lavender, bundles of it hanging from the doorframe. She finds you tending to some plants in the middle of the room, and when your eyes lock, her breath catches in her throat, because holy fuck, no one told her that this herbalist lady was her age, and fine as fuck.

You greet her with a smile and hand her the list of things needed, telling her to take her time since you know that some of them may be difficult to find. She flips through the notebook you’ve given her, paying special attention to the detailed drawings, commemorating them to memory, before she sets off with only the thought of pleasing the herbalist girl with her findings.

When she comes back, it’s the dead of night, and she’s a bit durtied and bruised from what you’re sure to be a fight with some undead, but she has every item on the list you’d given her. From that point on, the two of you became close acquaintances, friends, and more.

She finds your presence so peaceful. When you’re up making ointments and remedies for the patrol squads, she joins you with her sketchpad. The two of you sit together in perfect silence, some jokes being shared here and there. Her sketchpad quickly fills up with drawings of you doing various activities - drinking tea, watering plants, grinding leaves into powders, making dyes, etc. Watching you becomes her favorite pastime.

After a while of knowing each other, she becomes more comfortable with being a smartmouth with you, and is excited when you match her energy. You always have a rebuttal to one of her remarks and it sparks something in Ellie that urges her on more and more. 

She becomes more touchy, too, though that aspect is primarily reassured by you. Although neither of you have disclosed much information about your past, you can tell she’s been through a lot, and could only imagine the worst when she would pull away from your touch in the beginning. It takes a long time, but the sweet hugs shared after accomplishing yet another supply run for you were definitely worth the wait.

And they’re quite literally the best hugs you’ve ever had. It could be a simple side hug with her pulling you by your hip to her chest, or it could be one of the longer ones, where her arms slip around your waist, her head dipping into your neck as she inhales your scent. You love them all.

Ellie claims that all your plant stuff is boring and lame, but she’s so very attentive when you’re rambling off a new herb or a new concoction you’ve made, and learns the names of the flowers you like the most. She soon learns that lavender is your favorite, which is why it hangs everywhere around the greenhouse, but also because it smells heavenly and reduces anxiety and provokes calmness. It quickly becomes her own, too.

She loves when you braid her hair. The two french braids leading into a bun is her favorite style, and even though she’s always messing it up when she’s on patrol, fighting and escaping from zombies and enemy groups alike, you’re happy to wash and redo her hair every time.

Ellie’s confession obviously doesn’t go the way she planned. And yes, she did plan on confessing to you her affections at some point, but she tells herself that she’s waiting for the right time. While part of that may be true, the bigger picture was her general fear of rejection - which was absurd to her, she never gave two fucks about what people thought about her. But when it came to you, everything mattered.

You’d never looked at Ellie’s notebook before. It was her privacy, and you were one to respect boundaries, but when she left the book open to go talk to Dina and Jesse about something, especially on a particular page that had your face drawn onto the cream paper of the sketchbook, your curiosity took over your senses.

It was a drawing of you drinking tea and reading a book. You remember that day - she was exceptionally quiet that day and only wanted to be around you. So you let her chill in the greenhouse with you while you did your normal routines. The intricate and detailed lines on the page sparked something in you that you thought you had pushed away, a surge of emotions reawakening in your stomach.

Ellie comes back in and nearly goes into a rage when she sees you seemingly flipping pages in her sketchbook, and although you try to reason with her, she’s not having it. She thinks you invaded her privacy, and she continues to think so as she leaves the greenhouse for the evening.

She comes back though, at the dead of night as you’re cleaning up and setting things up for the next morning, looking remorseful like a lost puppy. She apologizes, and you come to sit next to her, your legs touching, and you tell her that you accept her apology.

Ellie pauses for a moment, looking into your eyes for what seems like forever, before she begins speaking. The way she speaks is damn near contradicting about she feels about you, but in the end she gets her point across - she likes you, a lot, and needs to know how you feel about her in order for her to get some form of clarity and sanity back to her brain

And you tell her that you feel the same, that you’re attracted to her in such a way and so strongly that it shouldn’t even be possible - surely isn’t wise or sane considering the times the two of you currently live in, and yet, you still found yourself yearning for the brunette when you knew you shouldn’t

At this point the two of you are impossibly close, and the way Ellie’s eyes keep darting between your own and your lips, it’s definitely got a pool of heat swirling in your stomach. And before either of you realize it, her lips are on yours, and you’re experiencing your first and the most electrifying kiss of your life. And just like that, you become Ellie’s and she becomes yours

She  makes a vow to protect you in every possible way she can. When and if you do go out on the search for supplies, she’s always accompanying you regardless of whatever she may have been doing prior. She teaches you how to use a gun and a bow and arrow (of which, you favor the latter) so that you have the skills to protect yourself when she’s not there. 

She never let anyone talk to you any kind of way, but its amplified now because she has an obligation to make sure people know who the fuck they’re talking to. No one talks out the side of their neck to her girl and gets away with it. If all she does is curse them out, as long as they get the idea and don’t pull anything anymore, all is good.

Introducing you to Joel as your girlfriend is the most awkward thing for her…and you better believe he’s poking fun at her about her stellar choice in a significant other (trust me, he’s been waiting for this moment, because he just knew that she’d go after you of all people in the community. In fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was in on organizing your initial meeting. He’s definitely the wingman Ellie didn’t know she needed.

She doesn’t engage in PDA, but when it’s just the two of you alone? Best believe she’s getting her fill of hugs and kisses whenever she can. You’re not promised tomorrow, so she wants to love you to the fullest extent she can. 

Brings you back flowers from her patrols that you don’t even ask for, but because they’re pretty and remind her of you. You can try as you might to tell her you don’t need them - it’ll only provoke her to bring you more

On the longer nights where she’s too exhausted mentally and physically to speak, she curls into you and just lets you take over her senses. It’s a rather rare occasion, so you savor it while it lasts. You take care of Ellie at her most vulnerable and that’s all she could ever really ask for from someone.

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request!

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Hey :) this is a bit if a sensitive topic… but i got an idea for a request and i don’t know if you’d be willing to write it? I’ve been struggling with anorexia for a very long time and i’ve been thinking what if y/n was in the love band and she has an ed and body image issues and you know the outfit the band’s always wearing? For me personally, it’d be so triggering to wear because i know i’d feel so fat wearing it (don’t know why tbh)…Anyway, what if she hasn’t really told anyone about her struggle (maybe they saw signs but don’t know for sure) and she’d agreed to wear the outfit but then before a show she has a huge panic attack and Harry finds her crying backstage…

And also like i just want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being bigger and that "fat" is not a feeling but i just can’t help my brain 😣

Sorry for the long ask.. and I also hope you’ll feel better!!🙂

Hello friend! First off, thank you for sending this request and for trusting me and this online space to share your struggles. That can be really challenging, especially on the internet where you don't know how people will take things or react sometimes. Especially with eating disorders, there's so much guilt and shame that comes with this kind of mental illness to begin with and it can be a hard thing to admit to as well.

I will also share with you anon, that I've struggled with an ED for many years and was finally diagnosed with EDNOS in 2016. EDNOS stands for eating disorder not otherwise specified and you can receive that diagnosis for many reasons. I won't elaborate on my case in this post (I don't mind talking about it anymore so if ppl have questions you can ask), but anyway.... all this to say that I totally understand your struggle. And lately, I've been struggling to not fall back into those harmful ways after some comments my mom made a few weeks ago. It's been a tough few weeks for me for many reasons. But anyway, thank you so much again, for sending this request. Writing this is definitely going to be cathartic and therapeutic for me as well and I hope that it is for you too and anyone who struggles this way.

LAST THING! If you or anyone you know struggles with an eating disorder or shows concerning disordered eating patterns, please consider getting help. Some resources are linked HERE including helpline contact info.

And of course, the content below can be triggering for people who struggle with any E.D.

This was quite literally your dream come to life. You had been asked by Harry himself to join the Love Band in Ny-Oh's place for the final leg of Love On Tour. This all seemed insane and unreal as you thought about how you'd just met him around 2018. You'd been brought in as a session musician for Harry's last 2 albums and started a nice little friendship with him. But you didn't know that he considered you enough of a friend to ask you to join his live ensemble. Sure, you talked regularly enough and had graduated into hugs over fist bumps during the making of Harry's House, but still...it just seemed so insane. You were excited though, getting to see him perform every night knowing how hard he worked to make this music...it was like a full circle moment.

There'd been plenty you'd done in preparation for your travels. Including getting your measurements taken for the little love minion jumpsuits you'd be wearing every night. None of that really seemed to trigger you or your concerns over your weight and body image. You'd been doing so well, you'd been managing your eating disorder well the last few years without any major setbacks and you were proud that you were healthy enough to do this. Proud that you felt comfortable accepting this gig and knowing that you had the stamina and health to make it through the entire leg of the tour. It was huge! But none of that really seemed to matter when you got a look at your uniform hung up just a few inches away from you and felt this sudden rush of anxiety crawling through your body. Why did it look like it'd be so tight on you? The material obviously wasn't too stretchy so how was this supposed to fit on you? You weren't exactly sure what about the look of it suddenly had you feeling this way, but all you knew was that you didn't feel good about it.

The logical part of your brain reminded you that you got fitted for this - it was custom made to your measurements. And you tried to keep that in mind, but you soon realized that you had been fitted for this about four months ago. Maybe you'd gained tons of weight? Your days of obsessively weighing yourself were past you, so you had no idea if you had or hadn't. You had body dysmorphia so your mind wouldn't know the difference. And it was maddening to you that you had been feeling OK about yourself until you'd entered the little temporary changing room and saw the outfit on the hanger. Your heart started to beat a bit faster as your anxiety started to grow.

"30 minutes to show time!" you heard someone call as they walked down the corridor and then they shouted the same warning into the large dressing room a few of you shared and you just exhaled sharply and decided so just ignore this feeling and suck it up. If you didn't wear this what would you wear? You had no choice, you just had to get over it.

However, now that something about this outfit had triggered the obsessive and intrusive thoughts about your body image you started to feel uncomfortable looking at your reflection. You tried to avoid looking at yourself right now because you knew that you'd see things that weren't accurate. You tried to slow down your breathing as you turned away from the mirror in there and folded up your clothes before turning back around and looking at the outfit once again before taking it off the hanger. It felt suspenseful to undo all of the little buttons lining the seam to join the two sides together. But soon you were pulling it off the hanger and getting your legs into it and doing up the buttons, avoiding the mirror again until it was fully on so that you wouldn't freak out before you fully were dressed. Of course, you had no issues with getting it on, it felt just fine, a little loose if anything. But when you looked up the feeling of the fit didn't really matter. You had no idea if it was the cinched in waist that felt restrictive even if you had some wiggle room. Or maybe it was the way the fabric bulged a bit at your stomach and made you feel like you were carrying a lot more weight there than you realized before? But as you turned to the side to see how you looked from that angle your frown deepened as your fears rose tot he surface. It looked a little big on you and that somehow made you feel even worse because it wasn't like flattering/comfy baggy. This outfit somehow accentuated just how thin you actually were and then a new fear came into your brain: They're going to know I'm anorexic.

You felt that you did well enough to keep your eating disorder speculations at bay. People closest to you knew, but you were very private about it because like any illness, there is sometimes an element of shame involved. It wasn't something you advertised, especially as you recovered! But most people just knew you were into health and wellness, but they didn't know the dark side of it; that you struggled with obsessing over quantities and ingredients and portions because you were terrified to look bigger than you were, terrified to gain weight, terrified of feeling fat. You couldn't tell anyone why you felt that way, but you just did! And sure, you were a lot better now than you were years ago, but you had just been massively triggered that you looked sickly and that, that would arise suspicions of your health. The fans might start to say things and ask questions and if they noticed other people would too...the crew, the rest of the band...Harry...

As you stared at yourself for a bit more your eyes started to tear up and you silently fanned at your eyes to try and dissipate the tears, but your vision was only getting more and more blurry. You just needed some fresh air to calm down. You peeked out and saw that you were alone in the dressing room so you rushed out before anyone could stop you and you headed out back behind the stage. They were in the middle of changing the setup after the openers so the crew and roadies were closer to the structure helping change things out and unloading. You had the space and privacy to pace around and let your tears fall. But the audience was so loud...there would be so many people and they would look at you and see you in this outfit and just know that something was wrong with you. Obviously they would be scrutinizing you since you were the new person! And suddenly everything just built up inside of you and you started to panic.

You found a place to sit down when you felt your breathing catch in your throat. This couldn't be happening.... you were just minutes before the show! But you were hyperventilating now as your tears cascaded down your cheeks. You felt like you were going to crumble apart. This was a huge mistake... you should've said no...you weren't ready for this. There was no way you could do this. You were sat off to the side as you sobbed and tried everything you could to calm down and get through this panic attack so you didn't notice Harry's car pulling up across from you until you heard the stadium cheering loudly and when you glanced up you saw Harry wave quickly before he headed backstage. You didn't want anyone to see you like this so you stood up and went to hide behind one of the trailers, but you didn't notice that he'd seen you rush off.

********

"Y/N!" Harry called after you but you didn't seem to hear him and he frowned a bit. He could've sworn you were crying...maybe you just got really nervous or maybe it just hit you now that you were on tour. It could be exciting but nerve-racking. So he decided to just check on you and maybe give you a little pep-talk. "Hey, I'll be right in, just gonna make sure she's OK." Harry said to Tommy and Brad.

"I've got it, H. You should really go get changed. You're on in 15." Tommy advised.

"It'll be quick. I'm sure she's just a little nervous." Harry said and they sighed as he jogged off to where you'd taken off. When he rounded the corner to where the trailers were he immediately frowned when he saw you gasping for air, choking on your tears as you sobbed uncontrollably. "Y/N, oh my god." he said as he hurried over to you.

You felt mortified as he rushed up to you and reached for your hands. You started to cry harder because this was so fucked up. You felt so stupid and ridiculous for crying over an outfit, but you just felt so awful. Worse than you had in a long time and it was scary to be triggered so intensely. When he wrapped you up in a big hug you started to calm down. His voice and touch and scent helped to ground you a bit, enough to help you breathe properly.

"What's the matter?" he asked you softly as you continued crying. You cough as you tried to answer him and he gently rubbed your back to help you out a bit.

"S'fine. I'm fine." you choked out and he sighed.

"How can I help if I don't know what the issue is?" he asked you and you sighed.

"You can't help Harry, this is me. This all me and I...I don't think I can do the show." you finally said and he pulled back with a big frown as he looked at you. You couldn't bear to see his disappointment for more than a second before you looked back at the ground.

"What do you mean? Are you nervous?" he asked you as he rubbed at your arms with his ring clad hands and you sighed.

"I-it's the outfit. I can't wear this outfit. Like...I'm not...able to wear this." you said to him and he looked a bit confused.

"Is something wrong with it?"

"Yes! I...don't know w-what it is..." you gasped through your sobs, "But I just...don't like how I look or feel in it." you explained.

"Love, you look great!" he said with a small smile and that made you feel worse because it was a testament to just how insane you actually were, "And well, I'm not really sure we can change the uniform at this point-"

"Exactly, this is my issue! So I can't go up there." you cried.

"Well what's the issue you're having? Maybe there's something we can do about it right now?" he asked and you bit your lip for a moment before looking into his eyes and then just turning your gaze away from him. You couldn't bear to see his face when you said this to him.

"I...I have an eating disorder." you said softly through your tears, "And something about this outfit has triggered me into this psychotic episode. I feel...really awful physically and in my head too...and I'm trying... I'm trying to get it together but I haven't felt like this in years and just one look at me in this and everyone's gonna know something's wrong with me because I look sick!" you sobbed, "And that's why I can't do this. I'm so sorry, Harry. I just can't do the show." you blubbered and his hands slid down your arms and grabbed your hands.

"I'm so sorry." he said softly and you sighed.

"It's not your fault...how were you supposed to know that this would trigger me? I didn't even know until I was staring at the fucking thing." you shook your head as you looked up at him again and he sighed.

"I mean, yeah but like I... I noticed stuff before, like when we first met that made me wonder if...maybe you were anorexic or struggled with something like this. So I'm sorry that I never checked on you." he said and you sighed.

"Well, it't not really something I like to talk about." you explained through a sniffle, "And I've been doing really well the last couple years, I swear I'm like eating regularly and stuff. I wouldn't have agreed to do this if I wasn't well enough to do it." you said quickly, "But something happened back there and for my own wellbeing I just feel like I can't go out there like this." you explained through your tears. "Like...at first I thought I looked fat or maybe the cinching made me feel really restricted....but like I had this...moment where when I looked at myself f-from the side I just...looked like a fucking Tim Burton character...." you chuckled through your tears, "and I just...know that people will notice that I'm anorexic. And the audience is gonna see and start saying things about me... and things are just going to get worse and I'm gonna lose control again! And I don't want to lose control again. I can't lose control again." you vented through your tears and he just listened attentively with a slight frown. When he saw you were finished he squeezed your hands gently.

"I get that. And I also want you to be healthy and feel healthy and to feel good about yourself." he assured you, "You being safe and healthy and happy, that's all I want for you! But you're also a fucking brilliant musician and friend and I don't want to do this without you." he said to you and you sniffled, "I'm willing to figure something out to make sure that you feel comfortable and confident enough to perform if you want. We can get with Harry real quick and see what we can come up with." he suggested.

"The show starts in a little bit...it's fine. We can work on it tomorrow. I can perform from backstage today or even just sit this one out." you said and he scoffed through a laugh.

"I'm not gonna make you perform from backstage! We're just gonna run a bit late, that's fine." he said to you and you shook your head.

"Seriously H, I don't mind it a-"

"Seriously, Y/N." He cut you off, "I don't want to hide any member of my team, ever. I want to work with you to figure this out, OK? You mean a lot to me, and having you up there with me and Mitch, like that's so huge! You've been there for a lot of the work on these songs...you brought my vision to life in the studio and now you're here, getting to see it play out! And you do not have my permission to experience this magnificent and magical moment for the first time from behind the stage, all alone. There's no fucking way." he said and you chuckled softly through your tears as he squeezed your hands reassuringly again. "You deserve this. Let's figure this out." he offered again and you sniffled and nodded.

"OK." you agreed softly and he smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yes." you sniffled and smiled at him before he hugged you tight and you relaxed in his embrace.

"Perfect. Just gonna hold you for a bit, OK?" he said and you just hummed.

Your eating disorder had robbed you of tons of incredible experiences in your life. Either because you weren't well enough to show up or because you felt ashamed...but the buck stopped here. Not anymore. Harry was right, you deserved this and you wanted this, so you were gonna do it with his help and other Harry's help. After a few moments he let go of you and pulled back to wipe away the slightly smeared makeup beneath your eyes.

"If you don't mind not saying anything to Harry about why I-"

"Of course not." He said right away.

"Do you think the band'll mind that I might not be in the uniform?"

"I doubt it, but if someone has any issues I'll take care of it, OK?" he assured you and you nodded.

"Thank you, H."

"Course, love." He smiled kindly, "And I know that for now we might scramble a bit but what if we get you a tour shirt or sweater to wear on top and you can just tie the jumpsuit sleeves around you or something so that you just have the pants on?" he suggested.

"Yeah, I think that's good. I can't very well go out in my spandex shorts, that’s what I came in." you giggled and he chuckled.

"Yeah, sorry not happening. This is kind of about me so...." he joked and you laughed softly, "There she is." he said, his thumb swiped over your smile line for a moment before he pulled it away, "Sorry." he said softly.

"It's alright." you assured him and he smiled.

"Let's get this figured out then." he said and you nodded and headed back.

Of course, Harry had been right about not wanting you to miss the first show because you were hiding backstage. It had been one the best experiences of your life so far. The crowd were so loud and happy to be there. Hearing everyone sing the songs with you all, specially getting to sing Matilda and seeing how much it meant to everyone was amazing. It had been absolutely magical, you had even teared up. And when Harry spared you a glance at the end of the song and saw you wiping a tear he shot you a thumbs up and you returned the gesture. You guys started to wave at the fans at the barricade as you headed back to the main stage. You felt someone come up behind you and then Harry's arm draped over your shoulder.

"Alright, love?" he asked against your ear.

"Yeah, you were right though." you said to him, "I'm glad I'm not stuck in the back and missing this." you smiled up at him and he smiled.

"Me too." he assured you.

Of course, hundreds of fans had recorded this little interaction between the two of you and the only thing that people were obsessing over was how protective and soft Harry seemed to be with you and in turn it made the fans even more gentle towards you during the next shows. With each show the cheering for your introduction grew louder. By now you had talked to the other Harry and the band about what you were struggling with and they were all so kind and supportive. And now, each night when you were introduced you had that incredible support from the audience as well. No one was paying attention to your flaws or your issues or your body, they were just showing you the love and acceptance that you so often failed to give to yourself. Being built up that way gave you a new motivation to stay on track, to take care of yourself, and to keep getting better.

[carmybearzattos]

hey i’m not sure if you’ve gotten this question before but do you have any random carmy headcanons?? i feel like talkin about the best boy in chicago :)

omg no one has asked me this before ty! i spend all my time thinking about carmy so i would love to talk about the bestest boy <3

ok assorted random messy carmy headcanons:

• he’s got undiagnosed adhd and i’ve got an entire list of justifications for this headcanon if anyone cares

• carried round a little teddy bear when he was a kid because i mean he’s literally called bear someone bought that kid a teddy bear.

• his favourite meal he’s ever had is something mikey made. probably the braciole

• got some jokes made at his expense by the international staff at noma for being italian american. “you don’t know how to make real authentic italian food, your family makes american garbage” kind of stuff

• probably had one dickhead teacher at school (everyone’s had at least one) who wanted him to stand up and read aloud in spite of his stutter. got shit for that and for not making eye contact with the class when he spoke. poor boy suffered so much at school :(

• first thing he ever learned to “cook” as a tiny little baby was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. he doesn’t remember this bc he was too young but mikey put him up on a chair in the kitchen and showed him use a butter knife

• more of a mikey headcanon, but little mikey *did not* want another younger sibling. was not into the idea at all. then carmy was born and he immediately loved his baby brother more than anything in the whole entire world 💔

• the idea of virgin carmy is very endearing to me and just makes sense given the combination of his anxiety, the way his self hatred manifests in him just not allowing himself like anything good at all, and his lack of social life. but even if he has had sex before he’s still like had zero relationship experience but i mean that part’s canon.

• i like the idea of his angels tattoo being the very first one he got since it’s for sugar and mikey

• i don’t know when and i don’t know how but he gets that denim jacket he sells in the pilot back. me and jeremy allen white are in agreement on this.

• his mommy issues fascinate me. i don’t think she was ever abusive to carmy but between trying to run the beef and raise three kids on her own she probably didn’t have as much time for him as she wanted to and when she was around she was stressed and agitated and not great company. like her sons she probably had some undiagnosed mental illness going on and that had a big impact on carmy. probably worse than it did with mikey and sugar since they had their dad around longer. and i imagine carmy’s probably more like his mom than he ever wants to think about.

• speaking of his dad, i think carmy hates himself so much he probably sometimes thinks “oh maybe if i hadn’t been born maybe my dad would still be around. maybe one more kid was just too much and if it had only been mikey and sugar it would be fine.” he’s wrong of course, but this is the same boy who blames himself for mikey dying.

um ok i probably have a million more carmy thoughts but this is running long so here you go anon!

also if anyone ever wants to come into my ask box and talk about carmy (or sydney or richie!) please do i love to hear people’s thoughts!!!

[nightcolorz]

Hiii. I love your acc and the analyses you've made of TVC characters; reading your posts has expanded and helped me articulate the ideas I already had. Anne Rice as an author was very revealing, I mean, by reading her books and analyzing the characters and their dynamics, you get a lot of information about her as a person. That's very interesting. I think all authors put a bit of themselves into their works, but with Anne Rice it feels more personal, maybe because there are quite a few books following the same characters. What do you think?

omg thank you so much 🥹❤️ the makes me so happy. I agree wholeheartedly with ur take on Anne rice. The books are suuuper personal, sometimes to the point where I almost feel like I shouldn’t have access to them 😭 like I’m reading someone’s weird diary. I think this was because her writing functioned as her only outlet. like iwtv was so visceral and sad bcus it was such a raw unfiltered expression of her grief, and the rest of the books all follow the same format (to varying degrees of quality lol).

When it comes to the characters, she was open about how every character is in some way representative of a part of her (especially Lestat and Louis). U can analyze for days how Louis and lestats evolutions r akin to witnessing evolutions of Anne rices mental health, Louis her former self insert created during probably the darkest time in her life later becoming a representation of what she considers the worst parts of herself that she is ashamed of and being basically cut from the series, and Lestat going from an embodiment of her fraught relationship with her husband in iwtv to in tvl a power fantasy who she wishes she was like to at the same time a mouth piece for her existential dread and loneliness and anxieties

The way that lestats religious crisis and manic breakdown from Memnoch to blood canticle aligns perfectly with Anne rice’s own religious crisis and sudden shift in her work is so crazy to me😭 and then there’s Anne rice literally using Lestat as a blatant mouth piece to scream at the audience in the iconic blood canticle opening monologue of course, how could we forget. A lot of the time the personal nature of these books makes the technical quality of them worse, but even still it is one of the major reasons why I love them so much. Part of it is that reading something so personal and unfiltered, where u get the impression that the author wasn’t thinking at all about how it would come off to people while writing it, makes it feel almost more real to me? Or more authentic? Reading tvc sometimes makes me feel like I’m reading actual history or personal accounts from real people. And the bad writing and offensiveness and heaps of bullshit and the pages of unrelated tangents adds to this in a way 😭. Like yeah this is exactly what reading a biography by a hundreds of years old vampire would be like lmao.

I love interpreting themes in these books so much because I often feel like Anne rice didn’t place them there on purpose. She had a very “I’ll just write whatever is in my mind and the themes will happen on there own” approach, and they did! and for someone like me analyzing it is super rewarding. Figuring stuff out that the author wasn’t even aware of, basically. Tvc are rich with meaning in a way that only these books are, and the personal nature and the lack of thought into meaning or themes is I think majorly responsible. For me when it comes to fiction, I like to do the work. And Anne rice throwing her personal as hell freak sex vampire yaoi with the most agonizing portrayals of trauma and mental illness ever no editing no forethought out into the world definitely gives me room to do the work 😭

Also, I tend to really only enjoy art if I feel like it is a messy reflection of the creator. I’m not sure why but I can never really get into something unless I can see some of the creators flaws or baggage reflected in the work 😭 I feel like art isn’t rlly art to me if I don’t feel like a know the person who made it a little too well after seeing it. There’s something really special about finding out the worst parts of someone in a book, honestly. I love reading these and being like there is so much wrong with this woman and I know way too much about it 😭 she’s horrible but I’ve lived in her mind and I don’t wanna leave.

I admire in a way Anne rices unhinged abandon with how blatantly vent-like and unfiltered her books were (literally unedited 😭). She got extremely lucky making a career from it, typing out all her insane thoughts and feelings into gay vampires and becoming rich and famous. A girl can only dream for that life, I do that shit for free on a03. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anything published that has the same energy as tvc in this way. The only thing that comes close would be like, a quotev fan fiction I read for laughs written by a ten year old in 2010 who is unintentionally revealing way too much to me about their semi concerning home life 😭. It’s wonderful! Thank u Anne rice for ur beautiful scary lack of shame u have given me so many things to write about on tumblr

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

There’s so many Disney characters that could easily be neurodivergent, in fact so much so it’s pretty much 100% canon and confirmed. Lilo is a small autistic girl, it’s basically canon and I am dang certain the makers of the movie created her with autism in mind. When I was her age I acted JUST like her, so much that when I rewatched the movie as an insecure adult I felt a bit better about myself and I didn’t feel so alone. I even used to get into fist fights with other girls at school because they would call me “crazy” this is when I was her age roughly LOL. Also her obsession with Elvis is a special interest of hers clearly. A special interest is something that someone on the spectrum loves so much that it is pretty much almost the only thing they like to talk about with other people. It’s something they tend to focus on and even obsess with, something that is so much more than just being a fan. A special interest is something that is pretty much apart of that person. Like if an autistic person had a movie as a special interest they probably would’ve watched it hundreds of times, sometimes multiple times in the same day and they would want to drown themselves in the universe where the movie takes place, always thinking about it and talking about it with everyone and then getting excited over any merch for it. Like a super fan in a way. Her meltdowns are very much like an autistic person’s as well. People on the spectrum struggle to express their emotions, they may get offended easily as well or at least that is a trait some within the spectrum have and Lilo and I have. Like how we used to fight other kids for calling us names for instance, autistic kids especially struggle to express themselves vocally which could be why her and I started swinging instead of telling on them or calling them names in return. There is also a scene where the lady at the dog kennel was about to tell her how Stitch isn’t a real name and her sister made sure to warn her not to say that. This goes to show what an amazing sister Nani is as she knows her sister and what can make her upset. In this case Lilo would probably have thought that the lady at the kennel was insulting the name she chose or perhaps she would have thought she was saying she was bad at giving names. Miscommunication is very very common with people on the spectrum, sarcasm for example is a language we REALLY struggle to understand and at times we may look into things a bit too deeply. Hence why Nani told the lady not to say anything about the name because she knew her sister and what makes her happy and what makes her upset. And when Lilo was going to be taken away Nani even says how others won’t be able to understand her, a very common issue autistic kids have. Most adults have no idea how to care for autistic kids, they can’t tell the difference between a tantrum or an actual emotional meltdown. Lots of adults simply assume autistic kids are just being naughty and don’t take the time to try and get to know them and help them. For example I had to be homeschooled because I struggled with teachers for this reason. I could literally go on forever how Lilo is a canon autistic Disney character.

Others characters who may be neurodivergent I think are Vanellope and Ralph. Two characters who tend to stim quite a bit. Ralph is also socially awkward, sensitive and has trouble expressing his feelings and speaking with others, all common traits for autistic people. Though this isn’t really a neurodivergent thing but more a mental health/disorder/illness sort of thing I feel I should mention that it is canon Ralph suffers from separation anxiety as established in the sequel. Whether it’s an anxiety that he is born with (ehhh...part of his programming?) or if it’s trauma related because he struggled to make friends is unknown for certain. Some people are born with anxiety disorders and some people develop them after major events in their lives.

Ian and Barley from Onward are both neurodivergent but in different ways. It’s not called a “spectrum” for nothing, different autistic people posses different traits from the spectrum. For example some might get into much more intense hyperfixations and others might struggle to talk to people more so than others. Ian and Barley demonstrate this perfectly as Ian struggles to talk to people and tends to stumble over his words. Some can say he is simply shy but in the scene where he tries to speak to some of his classmates only to stutter does go just a bit more beyond just shyness. Social anxiety could be another thing as well though but overall, acting that way when speaking with strangers is very common for people on the spectrum. Having trouble expressing his feelings and speaking up for himself is another trait, like with the troll and how he couldn’t really bring himself to try and make a stand. In the scene when he first meets the Manticore is another great example as he struggled to try and tell her what was wrong and then began to panic and tear up, the way he was breathing heavily showed he was on the verge of having a panic attack as well. Anyone would probably feel upset in the situation he was in but he really did look like he was about to lose control and have a bad meltdown. The possibility of Barley being autistic comes from his very obvious special interests, quests or yore and just things about quests in general. He is always super eager to talk about it with Ian and is desperate to try and get him into it as well so he has a fellow fan to talk to about his favourite game. It’s easy to say it’s so much more than being a “fan”. He is obsessed and very passionate about it, clearly a special interest. Clumsiness is also very common among neurodivergent people, idk why but it is (I get that and haaaaaaaaaaate iitttttttttt uuugghhhh) It is also shown in some mobile games he is very close with Blazey, showing he is good with animals but then not so good with socialising with other people as his quirks can sometimes drive away those annoying judgemental types of folks *glares at the stupid goat police* People on the spectrum get along way better with animals and tend to be big animal lovers as well as he happily calls Blazey cute and tries to get her to do a few new tricks in Disney magic kingdom. He also tends to speak with his hands and make lots of body movements when talking, this could easily be seen as stimming as well. He is also a bit on the emotional side and struggles to talk about his feelings. Like when Ian tried to talk to him about the screw up thing, he was so angry he just turned up his music loud to try and block him out and didn’t seem to know what to do with himself or what to say to him. Anyone would be angry of course but Barley seemed to struggle communicating with Ian about it and seemed to have trouble expressing himself at first.

Might update the list some more later (there is so many tho) but let me know what you all think! What other characters do you see as neurodivergent and why? :3

These are mostly just personal headcanons of mine. As an autistic person I am so happy to see so many autistic coded characters in media.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

idk if anyone else has said it yet, but i’m feeling bitter right now, so i will (also it’s just always bothered me)

has anyone else ever noticed the difference in fan opinions between Michael and Vanessa?

in many ways, they are VERY similar characters.

they’re both night guards, have been fucked over by William, killed kids, and barely actually show up in the games.

however, Michael is treated like a goddamn king by the fandom, while Vanessa barely gets scraps. she’s regarded as a bitch so often, is hated on constantly, and/or is sometimes flat out ignored or erased from stories entirely.

oh no! a woman is grumpy! she MUST be a bitch!

Vanessa isn’t a bitch. she’s an underpaid security guard that has her entire career on the line throughout the whole game. there’s a loose child in the Pizzaplex. she’s literally trying to do her damn job so she won’t get fired.

more than that, Vanessa is clearly under a severe amount of psychological stress. she’s being mind controlled by a serial child killer to murder people. you’re telling me you also wouldn’t be in a constant bad mood if that was your life?? and even if you don’t think Vanessa is Vanny, Vanessa STILL has mental health issues. that much is proven by the therapy tapes (i think it’s canon that she has depression and anxiety? and maybe PTSD? i can’t remember; it’s been awhile since i was hyperfixated on this game). god forbid a person, a woman no less, shows the negative aspects of their mental illness!

like, depression, anxiety, AND PTSD all cause irritability and anger issues. anxiety literally triggers your fight or flight, and not everyone automatically cowers into their flight instinct. PTSD has a little something called “hyperarousal,” which is a constant state of anger.

but okay, mental health issues can’t be used as an excuse for things, alright. it’s still late at night. people get irritable and cranky the more they stay up. lack of sleep causes aggression.

but really, none of that matters because Vanessa is justified in her grouchiness through the entire game since, again, she’s doing her job.

and it’s not even like she says or does anything that bad! i’ve seen people treat her like she’s some kind of monster, and for what? because she made a hollow threat about scrapping Freddy?? it was, like, two in the morning, people! people say things they don’t mean when they’re 1) tired and 2) emotional. and we all know she doesn’t have the authority to do that, so she wouldn’t actually go through with it.

also need i remind everyone that Vanessa is treated poorly by her OWN CREATOR?? she’s grossly sexualized. we all know what the Vanny suit looks like. it’s skintight. it’s very obviously designed in a way to highlight ALL her curves. Scott did that on purpose. and like,,, why?? she’s a murder bunny. why does she have to be “attractive”?

don’t get me wrong, i like the design for Vanny, i just hate the suit. i love the idea of her looking all patchwork, like Vanessa tore apart different articles of clothing to make the costume because she couldn’t get enough fur, so she could have been this big mess of thick white fur with splashes of a bunch of random materials in between the pelt. that could have easily shown how, like, “unpracticed” she is. it’s a shoddy suit made by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

but NOOOO, Scott had to go, “how can i show that she’s a woman who has boobs?!?!??!? how can i bring her boobs into this?!?!?! what about her boobs?!?!?! we can’t forget about her boobs!!!!”

like, dude, we know she has boobs. she’s a killer bunny, not a playboy bunny. let’s not blur the lines, Scott.

you know, it’s really saying something when the plush of a character is less sexualized than the design itself. i own a Vanny plush (it look, like, three months for her to ship), and she looks great! she’s super cute! but, GOD, the DUALITY between her and the actual Vanny is GLARING.

but also, this isn’t anything new. most of Scott’s female characters get the treatment of being sexualized.

it’s just so goddamn frustrating to see male characters get held up on a higher pedestal than female characters. this is an issue in most fandoms. the women are treated like shit. and it’s infuriating.

just— if Vanessa were a guy, people would NOT treat her the way they do. and if she were a man, Vanny’s suit would have been less sexualized and more like an actual animal suit.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

SARAH MCCAMMON, HOST:

Stephanie Foo grew up in California, the only child of immigrants who abused her for years and then abandoned her as a teenager. As an adult, Foo seemed to thrive. She graduated from college, landed a job at "This American Life," became an award-winning radio producer, was dating a lovely man, but she was also struggling. Years of trauma and violent abuse as a child had left her with a diagnosis - complex PTSD, a little-studied condition that Foo was determined to understand. The result is her new memoir, "What My Bones Know." And Stephanie Foo joins us now from New York City. Hello.

STEPHANIE FOO: Hi. Thank you so much for having me today.

MCCAMMON: I want to start with your diagnosis, because listeners have likely heard of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. But how is complex PTSD different?

FOO: Right. So you can get traditional PTSD from a single traumatic event, like, say, you were hit by a car. Complex PTSD is kind of like if you were hit by that car every week for years. It manifested in my life as anxiety, as depression. The difference between PTSD and complex PTSD is that complex PTSD sort of has the potential to have a constant fear sort of churning underneath the surface. And I think it always had me on edge, hypervigilant, made it really hard for me to trust people - and to sort of bury that with intense workaholism, drinking a lot, partying a lot, that kind of thing.

MCCAMMON: Something you come back to a lot in your memoir is the idea of inherited trauma. So I'm wondering if you could talk about your parents' histories a little bit and your family's immigration from Malaysia and how that shaped your childhood.

FOO: I think my parents being recent immigrants gave them fewer resources in some ways. We didn't have access to a lot of family. And my parents, I think, were pretty alone and isolated in their ability to take care of me and in terms of having other people be able to take care of them and the mental illnesses that they suffered from. My parents came from lines of - where their parents had suffered immense traumas. My grandparents and my great-grandparents suffered through World War II. They suffered from the Malayan Emergency. My grandfather was imprisoned by the British during the Malayan Emergency for five years. And when he got out of prison, he lost all of his teeth somehow, and he never talked about it. You know, there were real consequences to that culturally, in terms of the way that they were raised, but even more so in their literal DNA.

MCCAMMON: Yeah, that was one thing that really struck me. I mean, you did some research into how trauma literally can change our genes and how that gets passed down. I mean, what did you learn about how that works?

FOO: Well, there's a couple of really fascinating studies about how our genes can change by what we endure. There's one really famous one where scientists exposed rats to the smell of cherry blossoms and then shocked them. And so these rats came to associate the smell of cherry blossoms with shocks, with fear. And their offspring and then their offspring would have panic responses every time they smelled cherry blossoms, even if they had never been shocked before. So what happens is the epigenome is sort of a layer on top of our DNA that kind of decides what genes get turned off and on. And experiencing trauma can change that epigenome.

MCCAMMON: I want to talk about your therapist, Dr. Ham. He is basically my favorite person in this book.

FOO: (Laughter).

MCCAMMON: How did you find him? And, in short, how did he help you?

FOO: I found him in a very radio producer-y (ph) way. I found him through listening to a podcast (laughter). He was talking about complex PTSD as, like, being the Incredible Hulk, right? Because the Incredible Hulk was actually abused as a kid. His father was an alcoholic, and now he had a hard time controlling his emotions when he was angry. He would sort of literally not be able to speak well, and he would just focus on surviving. And that is exactly what having complex PTSD is like. But the Hulk is not a villain. The Hulk is a hero. And so I needed to know more about that. And so I went to interview him, and he started interviewing me in the middle of me interviewing him. And eventually, he asked me if he could treat me, and I agreed.

MCCAMMON: And you approached this in a very radio producer-y way.

FOO: Yeah.

MCCAMMON: I mean, you have all of your tapes of your sessions with him, right?

FOO: Correct. And after we got done with a session, I would immediately go to the cafe downstairs, and I would upload all of my audio and transcribe it and put it in a Google doc, as you are very familiar with.

MCCAMMON: All too familiar.

FOO: And then we would edit it. And it was like we were editing my trauma out of the scripts. There was a point at which - after our actual first session, I saw, like, a whole page of me ranting about, like, my husband's job, which seemed completely out of left field. And I commented, what is going on here? Where am I? And he said, ah, you are dissociated because you are triggered. And I was like, what triggered me? Why am I dissociated? And I scrolled up. And right before that rant, I had talked about my mom holding a knife to my neck. And I turned off my emotions and my brain to access that, and I needed to disappear in some way to say that. And I got lost on the way. And so that was so helpful for me to just understand, with true journalistic objectivity, I guess, what was happening in my brain.

MCCAMMON: I'm really curious, though. You know, in writing this book and even now in talking about it, you have to go revisit a lot of those traumas again. You're talking about them right now. You're thinking about them. You're writing about them. I mean, how was that? How is that?

FOO: Yeah, dissociation, baby. That's what allows me to be talking to you and saying these things to you right now. And I think the other thing, too, is that I really did prioritize healing before I focused on writing. So writing itself was not the catharsis. Healing was the catharsis. It made me feel like I just wanted to share what I had learned. It was coming from a place of hope, and I wanted to write something that would help other people feel hopeful to. And I don't think that you ever totally heal from complex PTSD. It's sort of something that you carry with you all the time. But I feel like if the burden, the weight of complex PTSD, is like a pack on my back, then the process of healing has made me stronger. Does that mean, of course, that sometimes the pack gets really, really heavy and I need to sit down and take a break and cry a little bit and figure some new stuff out? Of course. Of course. That's what life is. But now I feel like I can hold the sadness and the anger and the joy all together.

MCCAMMON: Stephanie Foo's memoir is "What My Bones Know." Thank you so much for talking with us.

FOO: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate this opportunity to shed some light on complex PTSD.

Copyright © 2022 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

[91vaults]

What sparked your last breakup and what has got you hung up about it?

Ok I'm sorry but this is gonna be long.

breakup comes literately out of nowhere, one of those "i cant be in a relationship right now" things, ( ill call her Dianne ) had a rather blaze attitude to mental health where you just have your coping mechanisms and power through, except (and this is just my perspective on what happened) the coping mechanisms stopped working and I think they freaked out and quote " I can't be the girlfriend you deserve" and "I have to let you go". things had always been very cruisy ...so it was odd that the second she felt she had to address some MH issues she just decided it was best to cut and run? that doesn't usually happen like that. Everyone I spoke too after the fact was as confused as I was...even the psychologist I was seeing at the time was like "wut?"

I said I would support them through it but no....and it was very much framed in terms of ME and what I needed...which was a bit of a mind fuck because for someone to do that and then just not listen when you try and say otherwise is...a well meaning but kind of cruel thing to do, Dianne had a habit of making assumptions and running with them...and it felt like they got this notion the night before that I was better off regardless of how I actually felt

They got really fixated on the idea of my "next girlfriend" and it would all be ok because the "next girlfriend" would retroactively fix everything. And then proceeded to tell me about what my next girlfriend should be like...superficial shit I didn't care about. It also deeply hurt me that she told me I should be with someone into fashion and tattoo's and such like me, which made me feel like it was going to be an issue with every person I dated and just completely ignores what I actually value in a partner.

Imagine your at the vet and your dog is getting put down and as the vet is putting in the needle they say "yeah look this dog isn't the right dog for you, your NEXT dog is gonna be great. You should get a terrier...you're more of a terrier person" like holy shit let me just deal with whats happening right now.

I know she's someone who moves on from things very quickly and I don't think they actually understand how people work sometimes (I also don't think she's been on the receiving end of a major breakup) , so she might have just assumed I'd be like her and be sad about for like 4 weeks and get straight on the apps.

I had no Idea things had gotten to that point...and they never spoke to me about ANYTHING. So instead of being able to work on things (eg: her anxiety about money and me liking to buy things..perhaps too much) they just decided nope, I don't want to hold you back from the things you like...referencing past conversations and I just couldn't tell her otherwise.

What was so awful she was trying to spare me from? supporting and compromising are normal things even if it doesn't work out. Nothing could have been worse than those months after..I'm still a bit fucked up inside and it might take a year from the date of breakup for me to get past that.

We met up when I felt the time was right, 5 months (possibly earlier) she apparently felt better and was back on the apps...had gone on a visit to her home country and was on the apps there...and that's ok I knew that would be the case, but I wouldn't be human if it didn't cut me a little. She hadn't been for years and I think it made her want to go back and work there...which I am happy for her, maybe I was holding her back in that way, but it also hurts. I'm too that things didn't always align. Before COVID she had intended to move to Melbourne, but circumstances changed and she bought s house here..seemed she wanted to settle down. I felt lucky, but also had often had thoughts of wanting to move there. Now she wants to move to where she grew up in and do all these cool things (like go to pride in taiwan later in the year) and I feel like there's too much to give up if I moved, especially because I feel I'm finally finding my feet, I'm happy here but this is a small city, if she leaves then do all the people I'd want to be with leave? is this not the place for them? will I never find somone? we all get those thoughts of "am I too scared to be bold"?

Don't get me wrong, I am someone who takes things very hard. a breakup would have been devastating either way but this is worse. If it had been because she felt there were irrevocable differences then I could understand that (and there may have been) if it was because she wanted to go back to where she grew up then I would understand that. if our plans didn't align then I would understand that. But this? it haunts me to think that it only happened because she decided on my behalf. Like I was an exotic bird that needed to be let out of its cage instead of a person. It haunts me to think that if I had said "Hey I deserve better than this lets at least talk about it" then at the very least I would have understood better

I am genuinely happy for the most part, and I genuinely don't want to get back on the apps. But true at the same time I'm a bit fucked up when it comes to the idea of dating because for part of me to not date is to exercise agency because I had it all stripped away.

and I guess that's the thing, its the way it happened and it's partially the why. It's essentially the absolute worst way to be broken up with.

They didn't do me a favor. The fact is sometimes stuff happens and it sucks. Sometimes it sucks more for one person than the other, and sometimes things suck for a little while before they get better (like dating, that can really fucking suck sometimes) and that's OK and to try and spin it and insist it's all gonna be better and great right after the fact just hurts. The previous relationship doesn't have to be worse for the next one to be good

We are still friends (I took a break and waited until the time was right to initiate contact) , and the friendship feels right and when we're together I'm not upset (maybe a little pang when they mention dating but that's normal) it's only when I'm alone and having the conversation in my head do I spiral a bit . They haven't really talked about or acknowledged anything...but that's a very Dianne thing to do.

But the good thing is once the time is right we can have that conversation, and once that hanging thread is delt with then I'll be able to shut the door on the matter (hopefully depending on how the convo goes).

[wehadwildflowerfever]

So it’s both “Mermaids” release day and the day I can finally unwrap my “Daffodil” tattoo.

I’m staying up until midnight to hear this last Dance Fever song, so I’ve spent a large part of today thinking about the whole album.

I’ve worked through a lot of it academically this year, but I haven’t really let myself sit down and think about what it means to me personally. I saw someone write that the build up of “Mermaids” feels like a scream waiting to be released (@veronicaofosea), and that’s so close to how Dance Fever as a whole feels to me. Listening to it has felt like letting out multiple screams that have been building up in my body since girlhood.

Florence isn’t close to the first artist to remind women that we don’t have to be good, seek approval, be desirable, and keep the peace. Within my own pantheon of favorite artists/musicians/poets, I have heard it so often. Mary Oliver has told us (“You do not have to be good / you do not have to walk on your knees / for a hundred miles through the desert repenting”). Tori Amos has told us again and again in more ways than I have room to write down (“She’s been everybody else’s girl/ Maybe one day she’ll be her own”). Each instance has felt like a small revelation to me. An idea I could intellectually know to be true, but couldn’t feel in my body when needing to go out into the world to assert myself. My voice is always quieter than I mean it to be. I apologize for myself when I don’t want to. I have a really hard time making eye contact. Dance Fever marked the first time that I could fully hear this truth. Right now. In my late thirties.

I don’t know what did it, exactly. I think part of it was lockdown and being on my own so much. Probably having the space to retreat into myself, being responsible only to myself and my partner. Having very few external expectations placed on us. And then coming out of that, Dance Fever was the first piece of art to shatter my grief-induced numbness.

“Oh bring your salt, bring your cigarette. Draw me a circle and I’ll protect…” The ferocity of the circle drawn in “Heaven is Here.” The dark magic and intentional monstrosity of it. How it made a protected space for our rage and mourning and reclamation of self.

The tender, funny anger of “Girls Against God.” (Which actually made me feel conflicted at first. Growing up going to an Orthodox Hebrew school, we didn’t write God’s name on anything that wasn’t sacred and meant to last, even in English. Writing down that title was literally the first time I spelled out “God” which was scary but also powerful.) The permission of being able to own our anger, even if it’s just us, in our pajamas, alone in our bedrooms.

And it took me a while to notice what was being sung during the “Dream Girl Evil” bridge, but once I figured out that it was a reversal of Yeats’ “The Second Coming,” I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What does it mean to look at our world on the verge of collapse and respond-- at least for a moment-- by essentially saying well fine, this wasn’t a world built for us. If it’s dependent on women being the world’s angels and dream girls, just let it all burn. “I am nobody’s moral center / it cannot hold.” Again, this intense permission to claim our rage and independence.

The part of the album that has probably made me cry the most is a lyric I still don’t fully understand. It’s toward the end of “Choreomania,” when the music slows down a little and Florence sings, “And do they speak to you? Because they speak to me, too. The pressure and the panic you push your body through.” I’m not sure who “they” are for her, but there is something so comforting in how the fourth wall breaks down here, how she sings “they speak to me, too.” The vulnerable confession that we all carry unwanted voices with us born of mental illness, or intergenerational trauma, or gendered social expectation, and the recognition of what those voices do to us and our bodies. The anxiety and the panic attacks.

This album feels like a release of those voices or an attempt to live with them in a way that allows us to fully reclaim ourselves.

Even just posting this feels like something I wouldn’t have done before. I would have checked with multiple people to make sure it wasn’t too much, or too pointless, or too intense, but I think of “Restraint” and post it anyway. “And have I learned restraint? Am I quiet enough for you yet?” Saying “yes, but I’m unlearning it” feels like a source of power.

[yummycrummy]

ok so im just gonna give u a little ramble about roleswap because brainrot!!!! so he and lesley divorced because they fought a lot and poor david(yellow) was in the fallout. roy wanted what was best for david so they did share custody of david to make sure he had both his parents somewhat in his life. lesley was a preschool teacher before yelling at a kid and losing her job for being too violent. roy was a stay at home dad that sewed and knitted as a hobby and sold some of his stuff from time to time (before the divorce) then he worked a dead-end office job (after the divorce) THEN one day lesley and roy both spent time with david together because reasons and roy made a joke lesley did not like and she yelled at him and uh oh CAR ACCIDENT!! roy blames himself for it all the time. lesley kinda just lost her mind after that. lesley did control the web series ( it was a lot darker and violent) and roy controlled the show which dealt with mental illness and invisible pain. roy has generalized anxiety disorder, autism, and ocd and he does not do well in office jobs yet he keeps getting promoted? lesley took revenge on roy for re-animating david by tormenting him in the web series and roy had to literally fight lesley to get control of the puppets. ALSO red and duck were roys co-workers who saw him do something illegal and he killed them, copied their handwriting and said they’d ran away to get married on a tropical island (he forges postcards from them to the office on occasion)

Oh damn?? Holy shit I- wow, ur Roy is going through it fr? Just like mine?? But goddamn he's got it so much worse 💔 ughg

This sounds pretty wild and interesting though?? You're so creative!!!! ❤❤ I love this !! Guys go give em support pls 🔫 Keep going with this idea Griev!!!

[janeeyreheresy]

Some Ideas on Bertha's State

No one likes a mad woman, what a shame she went mad... you made her like that... ~Taylor Swift, Mad Woman

I maintain there was nothing wrong with Bertha, not in the beginning anyway, and whatever is wrong with her now is due to her imprisonment in the attic. In our post-pandemic world it's easier than ever to make this argument. People couldn't handle a few weeks or months of quarantines and lockdowns. And Rochester kept Bertha locked for A WHOLE DECADE. Years of gaslighting and abuse also take their toll on a person. Look at what a half-year of knowing him did to Jane--she's distraught, keeps bursting into tears. And there is the isolated location of Thornfield to consider. That's got to do stuff to a person's psyche. They didn't have TV or internet back then. Even Jane herself felt her life was bleak in her first weeks and months. No wonder she latched onto Rochester as soon as she saw him. Her attraction to him actually makes a lot of sense--she had an abusive childhood so it's quite natural she's drawn to what she knows. Cycles of abuse and all that. 

With Bertha, there's also the fact that she was transferred from Jamaica to Yorkshire, a vastly different environment. I'm not saying that's what made her mad, I'm saying that it would be a factor to contribute to her declining mental state, more so if her husband was cold and unsupportive. She came to a place where she didn't know a living soul. (Also, they hate immigrants over here.)

On the other hand, it's also interesting to play with different ideas. After all, we don't get many good representations of mental illness. I can see Bertha suffering from depression or anxiety. She could be bi-polar, or have OCD. 

I call the short story The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman "The Madwoman in the Attic Origin Story". It's not, literally--a different time and place, but it serves as a general idea of the origin of a madwoman. The narrator is prescribed a "rest cure" by her doctor husband and slowly goes insane from staying in a room with a yellow wallpaper. This Charlotte got it right! She wrote from her own experience, having suffered from post partum depression and being prescribed this same cure. Of course, Bertha having a post partum depression would mean she'd have to have a child, which opens up yet another avenue of possibilities. 

Rochester admits to Jane that he had "once been her [Bertha's] husband", so yeah, they did fuck. Bertha could have got pregnant. Maybe she miscarried, maybe the child was stillborn, maybe the child only lived a short time. Maybe she blamed Edward for the child's death, which is why she swore at him. You can pick and choose what he says about her and experiment. Intemperate--was it her unhappiness that turned her to drinking? Unchaste--was she not a virgin on their wedding night? Was there someone else she loved, whom she couldn't be with? Was that person not of white skin? Was that person a woman?

[such-justice-wow]

I know from personal experience that this might be a sensitive subject but why don't you try to go on disability benefits? I was told when I was 19 to go on disability benefits but I know I can work. If every job is causing you severe anxiety then why don't you try and get on benefits till you can sort out your anxiety?

I can work with accommodations and some level of acceptance

The problem with my last job was my manager made it pretty obvious that she thought mental illnesses are something that just go away with a bit of therapy and then I'd be normal again and not make the work environment less "Equitable"

Also I have had anxiety for a literal decade so the amount of time I would have to take out would probably be too long for me to comfortably rely on the government and my boyfriend to support me

Plus the idea makes me anxious lol last time I went on benefits I got a job before I ever got a payment and had to immediately sort it out again

[schizowitchic]

thing my mum is currently mad about: that i am not helping with the housework (ive literally been home all day with a migraine and period cramps so bad i can barely stand, as well as being exhausted bordering on sleep deprived from exams for the past week).

massive vent under the cut that goes super off topic.

tw for fatphobia and mild ableism and mentions of suicidality and poor mental health

like be more mad at my siblings who are not ill and perfectly capable of helping? before he left (hes away for the weekend) my dad was like "make sure to help ur mum this evening since im away so i cant" like hello? im literally ill at the moment. i get that my mum is super stressed and tired as well but like. right now. im literally physically ill. ive had almost ten full blown panic attacks in the past week.

ALSO ive tidied and hoovered my room, i collected wood from the shed in the garden from the fire, and changed all the hand towels over to clean ones so it's not like ive done nothing at all. ive emptied and refilled the dishwasher as well. plus whenever she's said "can you get this for me" ive gotten up to get it for her.

furthermore she hasn't asked us to do specific tasks so like. i have no idea what needs doing. im always available to do stuff if im directly asked (bc it's not like i can refuse without getting complained at all evening) so idk how im meant to telepathically know what house work she wants us to be doing. and even when we do help she always complains that we dont do it in the right way but never tells us what to do just complain about how incompetent we are

like im gonna be honest i just end up feeling less motivated to keep even my own room tidy. and that im constantly never enough for her. bc even when im sure ive done all the things i should. theres always something else i shouldve known how to do, or that bc ive never done it before that somehow erases that ive made process

for example she's always on at me about shaving and washing my face and etc. and like. im mentally ill. it is such a struggle to get up and get clean each day. and i was super proud of the fact that i now manage to clean my face at least once a day every day now. but that's not enough for her is it "you should be washing your face twice a day". and i was like "but surely one is better than the none it was before" and she just gave me a look like i was being ridiculous. and she's always on at me about shaving hair from my legs, getting rid of hair on my face and my back. i never was selfconscious about my appearance until she said i would be bullied for having hair, until she used the words "rolls of fat" to describe my stomach, until she said the slight bulges on the back of a dress were unflattering and would make people bully me, until she said that i needed to lose weight and exercise more. (for context on how ridiculously fatphobic this is. im skinny. i have high metabolism. but that's not enough for her)

the worst part is that she has no idea how harmful this stuff is. she thinks this is how to show she cares. that she's doing it for us. to the point where i feel bad putting this rant out onto the internet where like 5 people will see it. but then. just bc i know she loves me doesnr mean i feel like im loved.

like. im not even allowed to be tired or stressed without her saying how her job is so much worse so she has it so much worse (not like she witnessed my mental breakdown aged 15 not like she's accompanied me to mental health appointments for anxiety). we both had covid at the same time and whenever i was like "damn i feel like shit" well guess who felt like even more shit? and she always says how we get more days off if we're sick and it's like. you control how many sick days you have. plus she'll complain about how she never gets to rest and stuff but like i see her resting???? and also. im expected to still help out if we've gone on a long hike all day (i have severe joint pain) but im meant to be able to continue past that and not let it stop me

also neither her or my dad will say the word autism. it's always "neurodivergent" "neurodiverse" (why i not always a fan of "neurodivergent traits are x") they won't tell my siblings i cant discuss my pending diagnosis with them in front of my siblings like it's some bad thing that needs to be hidden. bro its just autism.

idk my main issue is that she complains about how i sit around on my phone/reading and it's like. well. do you even know how much i have to distract myself to stay alive. but she's really fucking annoying when she's concerned for my wellbeing (like toxic positivity. meditate do yoga solve all your problems type shit). lmao whatever whatever im going to uni this year

[whomstress]

Hey anyone with severe depression, bipolar, or anxiety diagnosised at a very young age remember not comprehending what their mental illness was but still have it, too?

Like I'm severely bipolar to the point I'm trying to get disability for it, but my symptoms started around when I was 6/7. And I remember not understanding why any of it was happening but I just knew I was so "sad" all the time. Like literally too young to know ANY complex emotions, so all I could get was everything made me cry and sad for no reason.

I remember my mom asking me, why I was crying so much when I was happy just minutes ago. Or if anyone "hurt" or "touched" me and though also not super understanding what that meant I knew it wasn't the problem at all. I had friends I loved at school and loved learning and exploring the world, but just would suddenly my "heart hurt" and id just start crying. Everytime people would ask I would just say, "I don't know! I don't know! I'm just sooo sad!"

Like all the symptoms were their too despite being so young to even understand why. I never wanted to get up in the morning. I'd have extreme mood swings and mania. I remember despite not knowing even the idea of suicide thinking and saying, "I don't want to be here!"

I know it was really hard on my mom, but she'd always cry in private and she told me the parts I was missing in my memory as I got older but, has anyone else had this?

I know I'm not possibly the only person in the world to have ever felt this way, but is this something that's comman at all?

Feel free to tell your stories in the replies.

[itsallcomplicated]

avril lavigne was so right, why r u so complicated?

Hi.

I'm not going to introduce myself, because frankly I made this blog because I feel like I've let SO many thoughts and emotions pile on as of the last four years of my life.

I used to have tumblr when I was 10, so as to keep up with my fandoms and see what the latest fanfic that everyone was raging about this week... Which in retrospect, fandoms and fanfic are largely a contributor to the endless amount of dread and anxiety I face everyday. Okay no, maybe that Larry fanfic (NOBODY JUDGE ME PLEASE I KNOW ITS BAD NOW I WAS AN IDIOT CHILD D: ) I read when I was eleven has nothing to do with my mental illness, but then again, I was reading a Larry fanfic, so yeah I think it may have been mental illness. When I used to be on Tumblr, I definitely didn't blog. I'm using Tumblr now, almost 12 whole years later, as a means of finding my safe corner in the world where I can document and write about the latest thing that has absolutely inconvenienced me and ruined my week. So instead of fanfics, I guess I'm coming back often to let y'all know if I'm doing well or if life has thrown me so many lemons and I just can't make enough lemonade out of them.

There were a lot of simple things about childhood. Especially a childhood that majorly grew up on the Internet, and also fantasizing about the glory of adulthood. My only examples of adulthood truly came from my parents and my older sister, but if we're really being honest here, I ADORED the Jersey Shore. Perhaps watching Jersey Shore at the young age of 8 wasn't necessarily the best idea, but goddamnit I wanted to be Snooki so bad. Of course when I was little, I didn't realize that that meant having to literally drink myself sick and deal with the hangxiety for three business days after. I think when you're little, it seems like adults can handle it all, even the ridiculous amounts of liquor and the confusing emotions of life. It doesn't seem like they have any issues to really deal with, other than paying the bills and keeping their family fed. It seems easy. But god is it so fucking complicated once you're actually an adult with bills and a mouth to feed. I miss feeling like I could do anything well and feeling so sure of myself, because frankly when I was little, I had the confidence to say that I would be an amazing adult. I thought being an adult meant you had the right to dictate your own way of living, and you no longer had to follow rules. I guess in a way that is still true, but I'm also kindaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... a little bitch. I have to follow rules and be told what to do, because I have serious issues with keeping a routine and the moment I fall off, I will sink into a dark hole called my bed and turn off all the lights, and sleep for an unreasonable amount of time. So life isn't like the Jersey Shore, and being an adult isn't just about being drunk on the Boardwalk and figuring out the intricacies of love. Unfortunately, its all of that and way more.

But anyways, with Snooki being one of my idols and my older sister being the other person I could look up to, I really thought I had it figured out. I gotta be honest though, the way I wrote this, it makes it sound that I idolize Snooki, and like she's amazing, but I'm just trying to explain to you, whoever is reading this, that I thought adulthood was much simpler than what it actually entails. I truly thought adulthood was just the epitome of independence and I too could go out to a Boardwalk shitfaced whenever I wanted. But really, I have never felt so goddamn confused and trapped in my life! Nothing is really stopping me from walking around piss drunk, but I also value freedom and I do not want to be arrested like Snookers, and I also don't know how to control myself respectfully and I will do something foul. Love u Snooks.

I didn't ask to grow up, but I have, and now I have to figure it out on my own.

Well actually, that's not true. I don't have to do anything on my own, I can ask for help, but that is presenting a whole other issue within me that we simply can't get into in this blog post because then this will truly be all over the place. <3 I don't even know where this blog is going. I just needed to get these thoughts out for now. :)