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cinnamontoastandtears · 3 years

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random fic time

so, i got a request for a mcharrison teddy boy era first kiss, and putting aside how long it took me to write it, i also messed it up a little by turning it into a bit of an angst fest and making it way too plotty (must be riding my high from the other george/paul fic lmao) but i wanted to give this to y’all anyway so: here you go !!

(to the anon that requested the first kiss in the first place, dw, i’m going to write you another)

warning: drunkenness and a brief description of nausea

George stumbled up the steps with big thunks, feet heavy from the whiskey in his system, whiskey in his system because he’d been drinking alone.

Paul had been too busy with John to go out with him. Perfect John, with his perfect fucking hair, and his not-so-perfect guitar playing that even Paul, ever the perfectionist, seemed to love.

So George drank alone. And now he was coming back to the hotel alone, arms empty and mind clouded so he didn’t have to think about who he wished was in them. The view of their floor greeted him before he was ready to meet it and a groan left his lips.

He composed himself against the peeling wallpaper for a few minutes before steeling himself and trudging into the room he shared with Paul.

He found the slightly older man alone, surprisingly, strumming away on his guitar, fingers flashing and angry and not caring that they were making discordant sounds.

“Where’s John?” he muttered, letting the door slam behind him.

“With Stu,” Paul bit out, strumming hard again.

Oh. Right.

George had forgotten he wasn’t the only one that could be jealous. (Or something like that, it wasn’t that he was so jealous anyway, but-)

“Hmm,” George said, flopping down onto his bed. His stomach hated him for that, churning and sending a brief taste of bile to the back of his throat. “Guess you an’ I are one in the same then, eh?”

Paul stopped playing. George replayed his last words back over in his head, taking a minute to let it dawn on him. He shouldn’t have said that.

There came the sound of Paul moving his guitar to the side of the bed, and then more shuffling George’s deaf-from-a-crowded-bar ears couldn’t interpret. So late an hour, so complicated of feelings. His head felt like a brick.

Paul must have stood up in the lengthy amount of time it took George to figure all those sounds out (the shucking of a jacket and belt and shoes), for he was then standing over George’s bed, looking threatening as a shadow in the dark room.

“What do you mean?”

“What?”

“What did you mean, ‘we’re one in the same’?”

George knew. He knew what Paul meant, the question he was asking without even fuckin asking it, bitter with only half-wisdom on his side. (Paul was wise enough to figure himself out, not quite enough for other people. Though, of course, he was still a teenager, so there may have been lack of maturity involved as well.)

“Jus’…” George started, heaving his upper half from where it had finally rested comfortably on the lumpy mattress. “Jus’…”

He’d never been good at putting his feelings right. Never been good at explanations or confrontation or any of the shit you were supposed to be able to say to someone when you felt violated or when you wanted something. So maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the sheer-fucking-unfairness, but something deep inside made George gather all his feelings and spit them out of his mouth.

“You’re not the only one who gets to act jealous an’- an’ be a prick to everyone because of it. You do it too! Don’t be sittin’ there all stupid an’ angry and envious when you’re just as bad as John leavin’ with Stu to do god-knows-what. That’s not fuckin’ fair.”

George got the impression he sounded whiny, so he closed his mouth, not wanting to give Paul any reason to call him a child or immature or anything so harsh. (Barely nine months. Barely nine months and he felt entitled to treat him like that.)

“What…?” Paul’s face wasn’t clear to George even though he’d shifted and his feet were in between Paul’s feet and he was looking up at his face. This didn’t mean that he didn’t know the exact expression that was etched there.

Ticked brow, slanted mouth, bottom lip pulled slightly in. George had studied this face at length. He knew how it looked when confused.

“I’m here, fuckin’ off by myself while you’re out with John, givin’ each other a hand or some utter bullshite like that, leavin’ me alone. An’ that’s why it’s not fuckin’ fair for me to come home an’ you to be awake an’ upset an’ goin’ ‘what?’ like you don’t fuckin’ know exactly what.”

If George was the type of person who cried, he’d be in tears by now, he’d be ugly-crying and sniveling and shit and Paul probably would’ve backed away instead of doing what he did instead, which was to sink down next to George on the bed and sigh.

“I…” he started, then stopped. It almost made sense. Such an eloquent person, yet when the quiet one spoke up, all his words lost. “How do you feel about me then?” he asked instead, turning the burden of talking back to George.

The room was still dark, his head was still fogged, Paul’s shoulder brushed his and he shuddered. That should’ve said it all, really.

“What do you mean?” he asked, unintentionally mirroring Paul’s question from earlier.

“You’re jealous of me-“

“I’m jealous of John.”

“Oh. Well… right, well, jealous of him then.” Paul paused again like he was going to say something else. “For…?”

“For replacin’ me.”

“Oh.”

“Continue,” George offered, motioning with his hand.

“You’re jealous of John… for replacin’ you… an’ you’re angry at me for bein’—“ George wondered if he’d admit it, “—jealous of Stuart.” If George was a bit more sober he’d be impressed. “So I just wanna know what you think of me. Are you angry or do you wish that you were in John’s place, gettin’ to be with me like…”

George’s brain alerted him to a tone that hadn’t been in Paul’s voice before. Something almost flirtatious, walking a dangerous line between something he wanted and something he wasn’t sure he wanted. He’d always just wanted to be close to Paul. Who wouldn’t want that? But this close, what the way his hands reaching down into the gap between his and Paul’s thighs implied, this close he’d never thought of before. (And so what if that was a lie, it wasn’t like everyone was telling the truth tonight.)

“George?” Paul asked, letting George lace their fingers together.

“This is what I think of you,” he said, instead of answering the not-really-question, and put his other hand on Paul’s cheek.

“What—?”

“You known exactly what.” And George kissed him.

He hadn’t had many kisses in his life time, exactly, but enough to know when a kiss was good. Kissing Paul was good. Not right, something this taboo couldn’t possibly be right, but good nonetheless, heavenly somehow, Paul’s favorite—perfect.

Paul’s lips were soft and small and wet, and George couldn’t believe he was kissing them, that their lips were the ones meeting and not Paul and John’s like they always threatened to. Then Paul pulled away just a second to breathe, gasping and moaning just the tiniest bit, which sent George’s mind away, leaving him unprepared for when Paul dove in again.

George pushed him down into the mattress and Paul let him and Paul was letting him, and he was kissing back and…

They pulled away eventually and George rolled off of Paul’s chest, not wanting to crush him with his… well he didn’t weigh much so it might have been fine, but even still.

“That’s how I feel about you,” he managed to say, voice the tiniest bit wrecked from kissing for so long.

“I… me too… how I feel about you too,” Paul said, sounding like he was in a dream, somewhere far away.

This confused George. He’d only just figured out he felt for Paul this way, and didn’t he… didn’t John and Paul…

“What about John?”

“What about him?” Paul asked.

“Don’t you… how do you feel about him?”

George felt Paul turn toward him, so he turned too, and they were facing with each other and this was confrontation, a thing George wasn’t good at.

“I don’t… me an’ John are friends, Georgie. That’s it.”

“But you… but why…” There were several things that didn’t make sense about this. If Paul really liked him, wanted to kiss him and be with him, why did he spend all his time with John? Why did he ignore George, why was he only even here in their room because John was with Stuart?

“No.”

“No?”

“That’s still not fair,” George whispered, pretending that tears weren’t pricking his eyes. (And maybe he was the kind of person who cried.) “You can’t be tellin’ me you feel this way about me an’ then ignore me an’ be mopey when John’s gone. You can’t do that, Paul. What is that kinda shit?”

“I…” Paul started, then stopped again, losing his eloquence all over. “I don’ know…”

That wasn’t good enough. George said so and Paul’s eyebrows turned into each other and George wondered how he could save this friendship.

He didn’t have any time to think about that though because Paul kissed him again, and he wanted this, and this was what he wanted… wasn’t it?

“Paul…” George pulled away from the kiss. (How could something that felt so good be so bad and wrong and-)

“George, I don’ know how to explain myself. Maybe I was jus’ so scared that you were gonna reject me that I spent all my time with John to avoid that. But I promise, really, I promise, Geo, I don’ feel this way about John.”

The thing was, George wasn’t sure if he believed him. He wasn’t sure he was supposed to. But… Paul looked at him again, and the room was dark, and his eyes were shining, and they were alone.

So if they kissed a few more times or fell asleep in the same bed together, that would be enough right now. (And if John and Stuart came back the next morning, John’s collarbone littered with suspicious marks… Well, Paul wore them too, and George could lose a bit of the green in his eyes.)

#george harrison #paul mccartney #the beatles #beatles fanfiction #mcharrison #george/paul #angst #teddy boy era #first kiss #oh look i’ve written something

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katierosefun · 3 years

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can you pls pls pls tell me more abt your ocs (all of them!!) I want to know what they’re like!!! I can ask specific questions but I’d like to get a general grasp on them first!!! totally okay if you’d rather not btw I’m just super curious !!

hi anon! thank you for asking me about my oc's, because i love talking about them! there's a few different clusters of them, so here's a brief rundown of the oc's i have probably tagged under my blog . . . (and they actually have real names, but for privacy’s sake, i’ve just given them random identifiers)

and oh . . . this got long, so hold onto your butts (i’ve got many more original characters than these, but these are the ones i think i can share the most of right now/have tags for):

black turtleneck slut & crew: an alternate 2020 - onwards

black turtleneck slut: about 20-21 years old. very grumpy, really loves black coffee. she may or may not have sabotaged some people in order to cross over to a place she really shouldn't be . . . but that's so she can regain some forgotten memories. (fancasted with han so hee but specifically her look in my name, lee ji eun, but specifically her look in my mister)

sunshine tol: maybe 19-20 years old. she's absolutely sweet, and like the title suggests, a ray of sunshine. i can probably best compare her to a rapunzel-esque figure--someone who’s very obviously sheltered but doesn’t really want to be, sheltered for reasons that she knows are important. (unsure who i would fancast her as. she’s just pretty tall, maybe 5′10 or so? and also hair that’s up to her waist. also, she likes to wear long skirts.)

scarf boy: 28-29. dark hair that’s dyed reddish-brown for reasons known only to himself and to his childhood best friend/work partner, girlboss but sad. has daddy issues and might be cursed/dying in 3 months. or maybe swallowed whole. we don’t know, he’s very private about it. something about a deal that he really shouldn’t have made. (fancasted with choi daniel, a cross between his look in school 2013 and jugglers, with the whole academic type look. usually wears a dark blue scarf and plays with it when he’s anxious.)

girlboss but sad: 29-30. like the title suggest, she’s a girlboss--youngest ever to achieve the rank she’s achieved (at about age 16, making history in her world), although we don’t know what she’s done to earn that rank (well. scarf boy knows a little too well what she’s done to achieve that rank). insane guilt complex, like insane guilt complex. (unsure who to fancast her as.)

ballerina lawyer: 22-23. think gifted child burnout syndrome + hyper perfectionist. might have grown up alongside turtleneck slut, somewhat of a narrative foil. someone play the plagues from the prince of egypt soundtrack, but specifically skip to the part where it goes once i called you brother. voted most likely to have a literal breakdown and then go to the next meeting looking like a porcelain doll. she’s . . . doing fine.

ewan mcgregor (derogatory): probably mid/late 40′s. it’s funny that i’ve named him ewan mcgregor (derogatory), because i’ve changed the fancasting. he might have looked after ballerina lawyer and black turtleneck slut since they were kids. very coolheaded. also very cunning. can see right through you. literally.

main relationships/tropes:

black turtleneck slut/sunshine tol (r: i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this) -- i have a soft spot for them because they’re very much the “i hate everyone in the world but you, and now i’m realizing i want to love the world because you believe so much in it” + “lmao what a nerd. [pause] FUCK, THAT’S MY NERD” + hey, you know the trope of character a being bloodied and broken but staggering up to their feet and very quietly going, “if you want to get to her, you get through me first”? because that’s them. that’s them. some songs that come to mind when i think of them is paper rings by taylor swift + is there still anything that love can do? from the weathering with you soundtrack.

scarf boy/girlboss but sad (r: when the sun came up you were looking at me): you want some childhood friends to work partners to co-parents to lovers? because that’s them, baby! they’ve known each other since they were little kids + pine after each other for so goddamn long, because part of it is “how can i love someone who i’ve hurt so badly” and “please don’t love me because i’ll be gone soon” and “i really wish we had more time, could we have some more time?” songs that come to mind when i think of them is funeral by maisie peters and out of the woods by taylor swift.

spoiled brat (affectionate), anxiety gay, and the rest of disappointed sound’s silly children: takes place waaaaay back in time, thinking maybe the 14th century? heavily inspired by the korean joseon dynasty, but now make it fantasy.

anxiety gay: 18-22. a witchling who really just wants to keep living in the mountains/woods, but surprise, seems like she’s going to become some bratty princess’ . . . what? witch? what does that even mean? she doesn’t know. she doesn’t like that she doesn’t know. she’s worried about so many little things, but she’s also rather cunning, usually two steps ahead of everyone (probably because she worries about the worst possible outcome all the time).

spoiled brat (affectionate): 18-22. the said spoiled brat of a princess that anxiety gay is supposed to be a companion to. heart of gold, but has a rather, uh . . . fiery temperament. will casually flirt with anxiety gay, just to get her riled up. (it works way too well.) is smart, except she really hates academic life.

shut up about the dragons: 17-21. another prince. smiley boy. smiley boy. knows way too much about dragons. terrified of water. he’s apparently supposed to marry spoiled brat (affectionate), but . . . he doesn’t really want to? he thinks she’s neat, but not in that way. he doesn’t really like the idea of ruling in general.

my wife duh: 18-22. shut up about the dragon’s witchling adviser person. she’s probably the only one who can keep up with the prince’s rambling. very put together, very sweet. calmly braids other people’s hair and has a really good green thumb.

disappointed sounds: 44-49. he’s basically looked after spoiled brat (affectionate) since she was a little baby. the type to accidentally adopt like a million children along the way. he’s pretty textbook in that he balances out his spoiled brat’s temperament, but he’s plenty cunning himself. he also knows how it’s all going to end, which gives him a particularly terrible burden. alexa play marjorie by taylor swift.

main relationships:

anxiety gay/spoiled brat (affectionate) (r: knew you tried to change the ending): rivals to friends to almost-lovers to enemies to lovers? it’s a windy road, but then again, love sometimes goes about that way. they get at each other’s throats at first, can often be found bickering and rolling their eyes at each other . . . until, y’know, a few life-or-death situations has both of them reconsidering their feelings for each other before they’re flung apart again, and then it’s . . . you know. the typical love as undoing type beat. anxiety gay is found crying into my wife duh’s lap because it’s unfair, that’s what this all is. also, something about two people training together and there’s a moment when spoiled brat absolutely rolls on top of anxiety gay, smiling wickedly and then her smile fading because oh god, feelings, feelings, feelings, GAY FEELINGS, and anxiety gay doesn’t even do anything because she’s just did she always look this pretty or am i going crazy and anyways, someone play cardigan by taylor swift, someone play betty by taylor swift.

shut up about the dragons/my wife duh (r: so give me your two lips / and baby, i’ll shut up): friends to lovers, but i think unlike scarf boy/girlboss but sad, these two have a lot less angsty pining and a lot more . . . “you’re my best friend in the whole universe, and i understand you, and you understand me, and i guess i never really entertained the idea of you getting married to anyone else because in my head, it was always going to be the two of us” type of feeling. also, you know that trope when two characters run to each other in the middle of a battle and they’re all grimy but they scream and hug each other as soon as they realize the other is alive, you’re alive! and it’s the best and it’s also a messy “i love you so much, and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you that before, but you know, just in case we die, i wanted to let you know that i am so in love with you, and if you could just--” (and my wife duh kisses him very hard, because okay, i love you, please shut up. also, we’re not going to die.)

and my newest children, who i haven’t really named yet, but i still need to kind of welcome them to the family: takes place right before the end of the world . . . (also i guess i’m going to make up tag names for them now)

dear moon: about 22 years old? he’s not really . . . alive. but he has a very important job that involves dead people. i won’t go into much more detail than that, but it’s a very lonely life, and all he knows is that he needs to keep doing this before finding peace of his own. he only remembers a bit of who he might have been. isn’t scared of a whole lot of things except . . . maybe one thing. maybe that thing that creeps in the corner of his eye, maybe that thing that’s been following him around ever since he entered this line of work. he sleeps outside a lot because of it.

dear sun: also about 22 years old. he’s very much so alive. might have accidentally stumbled into dear moon’s work. doesn’t know who to trust, but dear moon is the first . . . not dead person who has extended him a hand, and so he takes it. he’s very sweet, and he has a mostly optimistic view of the world, even though he’s got so much of his own baggage. he also likes swimming, which is such a goddamn lucky thing.

main relationships:

because there are actually so many characters in this particular original work, but i guess we should cover r: a ghost story is a love story, because that’s what dear moon and dear sun are about: something to do with how do you love something that’s already dead and what does it mean to love someone, anyways and also what does it mean to live and honor both yourself and the ones you love? also, something about sun/moon imagery, also something about that one trope that’s just one person scrambling through a crowd to get to another person. also, peeling tangerines for another person.

#anon #answered #my writing #PHEW that was long #asdfsdfsd i hope that was entertaining anon!

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nightwingmyboi · 4 years

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Any thoughts on c0p Dick especially today? I know the fandom salivates at the thought of it, for some reason not finding the creativity in themselves to er, look up a different job, and sticking him in that one as if in a mass delusion that someone like him alone can change the system. Do you think that part of the canon will ever be made obsolete by the fandom at large like so many more has been? Or maybe it's the not-so-hidden hatred for him that keeps it strong?

So I’m definitely getting the vibe that there is a whole discourse here I know nothing about lmao! Maybe I’m being overly optimistic, but I always thought that “Officer Grayson” is well known simply because Dick was a cop for a rather long time during some of his most infamous solo arcs (all the stuff with Blockbuster and Tarantula). I haven’t seen much of the talk though, so maybe it could be for more nefarious reasons, idk. I do think sometimes people can forget really important things about Dick’s time as a cop.

Like you’ve said, I agree that it is important to frame Dick’s time as a cop as him trying and failing to fight corruption...like, we shouldn’t treat it like cop propaganda (even though sometimes it is written that way). The whole point of vigilantes is that the system isn’t working; if Bruce could just become a cop and solve the problem from the inside, then why is he Batman instead? Why do vigilantes exist? The rules of the DC universe kind of fall apart, not to mention that one man isn’t likely to change a corrupt system in the real world either.

Nightwing (1996) #81

If you look at the time period where Dick is a cop in the comics, several people (especially Barbara, which is interesting because she was there to see her father try and fail to do the very thing that Dick is now attempting) tell Dick multiple times that he is trying to do too much, and that it is impossible for one man to accomplish the impossible goal he’s made for himself.

I do think Dick trying to fight crime 24/7 as both a cop and a vigilante and taking on way more than he can handle is very in character for him. It’s the first time he’s really claimed a city of his own solo, and he’s a perfectionist and wants to go above and beyond and prove himself. But he totally burns himself out; he’s so sleep deprived that he’s making mistakes he normally wouldn’t (mistakes that eventually land him in the hospital bed from the panel above). His personal relationships suffer because he doesn’t have the energy or time to maintain them. He was constantly stressed out and doing a million things at once. Cop Dick Grayson was not happy or healthy.

Nightwing (1996) #116

At the end of his time as a cop, the big lesson is Dick realizing that thinking he could get rid of corruption in Bludhaven in this way was hubris. He says, “I had ties--and leverage--in every single relevant community. The heroes, the cops, the mobs, and even, cautiously, the society and the meta baddies...I’d invested in all of them: my time, my presence.” “..then this...this deathscape.” “Did I miscalculate so badly?” He makes this elaborate plan, involves himself in too much, and it crashes and burns horribly. That is supposed to be the takeaway. Him becoming a cop again would just be winding back the clock, forcing him to relearn a lesson he already more than suffered through. He should already know that becoming a cop would be pointless; it would hurt him more than help him.

Dick needs to move forward as a character and learn new lessons. Him becoming a cop again would not allow that to happen. So I agree with you that he needs a different job. If we’re talking old jobs that he should take up again, I really liked when he was a bartender. He’s sociable, a great listener, and gives awesome advice. His work would allow him to take a break from crime fighting, while also helping people down on their luck and picking up tips for Nightwing. I think Dick was probably happiest when he was teaching kids gymnastics, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Dick happy and at peace while being adorable with small children.

If we’re talking new jobs, I’ve seen people talk about having Dick be an investigative journalist, and I’d love that. I doubt DC would do it because its Superman’s domain, but it’s still great. Idk what other jobs Dick should take on, I’d love to hear people’s thoughts?

#thanks for the ask anon!#dick grayson #nightwing #officer grayson #character analysis #meta #cop dick grayson

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danny-chase · 4 years

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Hello, are there any Cassandra Cain fans/stans that could help me out with her characterization? I’ve just started to get into writing fanfiction (I haven’t posted any, and am working towards getting more confident with writing the characters in general so hopefully I’ll post some someday) and I haven’t been in the fandom long. Cass is a confusing character for me to write, mostly because I feel like she’s written differently in everything she’s in. And her personality absolutely got erased and overhauled in the New52. I’ve read some of her Batgirl run (it was awhile ago ngl) and I read the storyline where she was introduced in the New52 and the Rise and the Fall of the Batmen (I think that’s the arc she’s involved in with Detective Comics). Idk, more under cut.

My goal in writing Cass is to make her seem like a real person and I’m drawing more on pre-New52 than post-New52. I feel like she used to have so much more to her than just being like a perfect person and the sweetest person in general. Not that she can’t be sweet (I love cinnamon bun Cass too), but she used to have much more grit to her personality it seems like. I’m blending the two personalities, and I’d really like to focus on her love for dance, it’s one of the changes I really liked, and of course her connections to her siblings because I love sibling dynamics. Currently I’m working on a fic where she ends up dancing with each of her siblings. I like the idea of writing her as a bit snarky or sassy (the kind of person that just stares at you with the “really” expression when you do something dumb), more introverted, a bit of a little shit, self deprecating, but genuinely kind hearted, driven, and a perfectionist. I also don’t want to write her as being a magic character that instantly knows what’s wrong with a character. Yeah, she can read body language, but her family is good at hiding things, they’ve been trained recognizing body language and I’m guessing some of them have worked to have good control over their own. My interpretation is she can tell what people are feeling but not why, and how they’re going to move. I’ve written a little bit of the fic so far (um please don’t feel obligated to read through it, any comments on how you think Cass should be written is helpful) so I’ll post it below. Thanks for reading this far if you made it XD.

I don’t have a title for this lmao but the fic starts here:

“Hey.” Dick gently placed a hand on her shoulder as he hopped down from his spot on the water tower. “You know who’s my most favorite, strongest, most beautiful, spectacular-”

Cass groaned; he was making the face. He was wearing his Nightwing mask, but as she turned to look, she could already tell he was making the face. Dick ignored her groans and continued “-most perfect, amazing, gorgeous, sweetest, nicest, kindhearted, thoughtful-”

Cass pulled away; she would not be doing what he asked. Nope. The last time she heard Dick talking like this, Barbara ended up agreeing to dog sit for Titus. The dog chewed everything in the clocktower; they were still finding ripped up socks in various locations. “He’s so well behaved” he said. “It won’t be for that long” he said. “You’re the best thank you so, so much” he said. On the bright side, Dick had bought her new ballet shoes to replace the ones Titus tore through. But they’d taken weeks to break in and-oh he was still talking.

“-smartest, wisest, funniest, loveliest, badass, awesomest, funnest-” Cass placed her hands on her hips and stood up to meet him. The stakeout had been going fine on her own, at this rate she probably didn’t need his backup anyways, so if this was something stupid, she could always tell him to leave. She gave him her best “bat-glare” as he continued to mumble on compliments. “fantastic, reliable, trustworthy-” his voice grew smaller as she continued glaring. He cleared his throat “sister of all time?” He finished.

Cass sighed and leaned back against the tower’s support. “What do you want?” Dick gave her a weak smile, embarrassment radiated off him. That couldn’t be good.

“Look, I’ll cut to the chase.” Thank heavens for that. “But like, just know I love you so much.” Cass wished she could stick her tongue out, maybe the domino mask was the way to go. She settled for lightly shoving his shoulder. He grinned at her, doing his best to seem casual, but slight tension in his neck gave away his discomfort. Dick was always hard for her to read, he was a performer from birth, and had excellent control of his posture and facial expressions. He gave himself away in movement, in the lack thereof. He could paint the perfect mask, but it slipped slightly when he moved. He was nervous, anxious, exasperated, and worried. Cass was intrigued.

“What is it?” She said, more gently than before, turning back to watch her mark. She could hear Dick let out a deep breath.

“It’s Da-Robin. He got invited to a formal.” Cass turned back and cocked her head. “Don’t give me that look, you know how he is.” He said, shifting his weight. “It’s a school event, so they’ve been learning ballroom dance in gym. But I got a call the other day from the gym teacher saying he’s not participating.”

“Why should he?” Cass asked. “You shouldn’t force people to do things they don’t want to do.” Living with the family long enough had taught her that. If the kid didn’t want to dance, he shouldn’t have to.

“Yeah, I know.” Dick replied a bit flatly. He moved to crouch where she had been sitting and focused on the building across the street. “But I don’t know if he doesn’t want to, or if he’s just embarrassed.” Cass thought for a moment. “I don’t suppose he grew up with many dance lessons.” He added a bit apologetically. She shook her head.

“Have you talked to him?” She asked. Dick sighed.

“I tried. But he kept switching topics and when I pressed it, he locked himself in his room. Which is why I’m concerned.” Cass hummed in affirmation. It made sense.

“Why haven’t you tried teaching him?” Dick wasn’t a bad dancer, and he’d always performed quite well at the galas.

He looked back at her sheepishly. “I gave it a go last time I was at the manor. But he stormed off before we could get anything done. Something about me being an embarrassment to the family.”

Cass rolled her eyes under the cowl. “What did you do?”

“I just wanted to do some jazzercising to warm up, what’s wrong with that?” Dick spluttered in response. Cass lightly smacked the back of his head. “So anyways, I lost my chance at it. I can’t even play music without him running away.” He continued, ducking away as she tried to tap him again. “Besides, you’re probably a better height to practice with for him.” She scoffed in response.

“When’s the gala?” She asked. It slipped out without her permission. She wasn’t getting involved. The kid could figure it out on his own. Couldn’t he?

“It’s next weekend.” He replied and sighed. “I don’t want him to miss it. He never does stuff that’s age appropriate.” Oh, no. Not that card. Cass would not be involved, she had work to do. She stepped back to lean against the tower again and bit her lip. “And some girl in his class asked him to go. Her name’s Maps and she’s a really good influence on him.” She crossed her arms tighter. Damian was rude to her. He called her Cain. Not. Getting. Involved. “She’s so energetic, it helps him loosen up-” Damnit.

“Fine.” Dick whipped around to look at her, not bothering to hide his disbelief. She squirmed internally. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about the kid. It was just easier to spend time on her own. The kid was better off without her influence anyways.

“Are you sure, I could ask Steph or I don’t know-” He continued.

She cut him off. “I’ll do it. I don’t mind.” The others wouldn’t work. Dick knew that going into the conversation. They were too��loud in their judgement. Steph would laugh at the wrong time, Tim would say the wrong thing, Jason didn’t have the patience for the kid’s temper, and Duke would be a safe bet, but was away on Outsider business for the next two weeks.

Dick practically melted in relief. “Thank you so-”

“You owe me, big brother.” Cass reminded.

“Anything you want, little sister.” He promised. “Are hugs acceptable as a down payment? I could kiss you right now.”

“Eww.” Cass made a face under the mask but strode forward as he opened his arms and stood for a hug. He eagerly wrapped her in a bear hug. She couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re winning sister of the year award.” He said as he released her.

“You’re making me cookies.” She retorted. Dick grimaced.

“Can I buy them?” He asked hesitantly. She shook her head.

“Homemade, with love. And I’m watching.” She added, smirking under the mask. Dick sunk back down into position.

“I’ll do my best.” He promised. Cass snickered. The last time Dick tried making cookies, he apparently caught his oven mitts on fire. There was still a bit of cookie dough on the ceiling he hadn’t noticed yet.

A flash of movement jolted her back into reality, their mark was making his move. She shot her grapple, and Dick quickly followed suit. “I’ll text you the plan tomorrow.” He promised as they leapt into the night.

Thanks so much if you read this far, and please comment or send me feedback directly if you have the time and don’t mind. I’m sorry if you completely disagree with how I characterized her (or Dick/Damian for that matter) I’m mostly relying on Damian’s canon interactions with her and Dick’s half canon half fanon personality (I know they don’t get on great in the comics...but sibling dynamics) and the rest of this portion of the fic would focus on Damian earning more respect for her (and learning to call her Cass - not Cain).

#i don't know how i feel about posting this #this is the first time i've posted some of my writing #and it isn't betad or anything #please help me #i don't know what i'm doing #i don't even have an AO3 account cuz i'm such a noob #it's gonna take time #a whole lot of precious time #but someday i will hopefully post a fic or two #if i ever finish one of them...#cassandra cain #batgirls #batfam #batman #dc #black bat #orphan

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artificialqueens · 4 years

Text

Take You for a Ride (Crystal x Gigi) - Catrina

A/N: hi! it’s been a long while since i posted here. my mental health had a lot to do with that, but here i am again, hopefully as a better writter lmao. apparently i’m obsessed with gigi and crystal and since it’s still crystal’s birthday here i wrote this inspired by dua lipa’s levitating (thanks gigi’s performance at wtw tour). hope you enjoy it and share your thoughts with me. thanks for reading!

Summary: It’s Crystal’s birthday, and nothing comes out as she expects.

Disappointment. That’s the definition of Crystal’s day.

Disappointment and alcohol… maybe some red velvet cake Jan bought for her. She tastes the bitter liquid and sweet frosting in her mouth as she stumbles in her way to the backyard of Jaida’s house.

She’s sick. Sick and tired, of both the party behind her and her day in general. It had really worn her off, first with her teacher grading her project with a humiliating score of 67 points out of 100, then the ridiculous fight with her mother over the phone (she can still listen to the woman screaming at her if she focuses enough) and her cat destroying her One Direction album with her small and deathly paws, and now — oh fucking now, with some idiot pouring their drink all over her dress in a party that she didn’t even want to attend, or happen for that matter.

This isn’t how her birthday is supposed to be. This isn’t even how any birthday is supposed to be, in fact. Crystal doesn’t get how Jan could get to the conclusion that a party at Jaida’s house would make her feel better.

“It’ll be fun!” Jan had said. “You deserve to celebrate your birthday. I’m sure it’ll improve your mood!”

Spoiler: it didn’t.

Crystal feels just as miserable as she would feel in her dorm. Being in bed and watching bad tv was her original plan for today. Was too much to ask for? Why did she let her friends drag her to a party full of people she doesn’t even know?

Right, because Jan and Jaida had made her puppy eyes and Crystal felt terrible for rejecting such a gentle and thoughtful gesture from her friends.

She groans, sitting down on the grass of Jaida’s backyard and rubbing a tissue over the huge stain in the blue fabric of the area over her chest, groaning again when she realizes the stain isn’t moving at all.

Perhaps more miserable.

It’s a sequin blue dress she had purchased a while ago. It wasn’t really expensive, and it isn’t even her favorite, but fuck, it hurts. It’s like today everything in the universe accorded to make her feel terrible. She usually would shrug it off and continue as if nothing has happened, and she can’t quite understand why her natural sense of positivity can’t wash the sadness away.

Giving up, she tosses the tissue to a side and lets the upper part of her body give up to lie down completely on the grass. She’s lucky everyone else is inside, enjoying the music so loud it makes the whole house pound in rhythm, the intermittent lights that must hurt their eyes, the colorful drinks served by Jan and the closeness of dancing bodies rubbing against each other, so she doesn’t have to worry about someone going out and seeing her throwing a tantrum.

The party is a success. She shouldn’t ruin it with her bitter existence.

The sky is quiet tonight, with some stray stars and the moon shining bright. It makes Crystal breathe heavily, over and over again, until she’s sure she’ll be okay.

But, as her breathing regulates, imagines of every earlier moment when she felt everything but okay flash through her mind, and her lungs are not cooperating anymore.

Her heart feels heavy, stupidly hurt. She knows tomorrow her terrible grade will still be there, and her mother will still be pissed at her for whatever she even got mad about, and her favorite album will remained ruined and her fucking dress won’t be wearable anymore, and it’s fine, because she can make work for extra points to improve her final grade and text her mom an apology and replace the material stuff that isn’t even that important whatsoever, but that won’t help her stop feeling so helpless.

Helpless — that’s a good definition for her.

“Crystal?”

Gigi Goode looking down at Crystal interrupts her pathetic thoughts.

More than the interruption, her mere presence is what makes Crystal blink twice and wonder, for a brief moment, if she fell asleep on Jaida’s backyard grass and she’s dreaming.

She’s used to see Gigi everyday, but since today has been a short taste of hell, it wasn’t surprising when Gigi texted her to say she had to miss part of her classes and Jaida’s party because she needed to find someone to fix the broken temperature system in her apartment.

She hasn’t come to terms of how she feels about Gigi yet, and it’s not something she would like to do at all. For the past two months, Crystal has noticed the way her heart starts pounding violently in her chest when Gigi smiles at her, or takes her hand to lead her through the corridors or when she simply looks at her with those big eyes full of emotion and it’s ridiculous but somehow fitting that the only person she craved to see today was the one she couldn’t.

“What are you doing here?” Gigi tries again at her lack of response, not hesitating to offer her hand to help her up.

Crystal takes her hand without thinking (she doesn’t do a lot of thinking in Gigi’s presence) and lets her pull her up in a sitting position.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking what are you doing here? I thought said your temperature system was giving trouble.”

Gigi chuckles, crouching to be at the same height as her.

“Well, I really wanted to come and Heidi said she could manage it. The girl knows about mechanics, did you know that?”

Crystal shakes her head, breathing out a laugh. “I never would’ve guessed.”

Gigi hums thoughtfully. “Well, she does, thank fuck, because I really wanted to see you, birthday girl.”

Heat creeps up to Crystal’s face incredibly fast, leaving her cursing the power something so small can have over her.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I asked Jan where you were, actually. She said some dickhead poured all his drink on you and you were probably in the bathroom but you weren’t there.”

Crystal opens her mouth to vent about her now ruined dress, frowning as soon as a different thought crosses her mind. “But there are like five bathrooms here. You went all around the house looking for me?”

Confused, Gigi nods. “Is that weird?”

It’s extremely sweet, is Crystal’s first answer.

“No, of course not,” she giggles instead. “But why were you looking for me?”

Gigi looks suddenly flushed, as if she was caught doing something she shouldn’t.

“Well, I…” she tears her eyes away from Crystal to look at the party behind her through the glass doors. “What happened to you?”

The change of topic takes Crystal aback.

“What? What about me?”

“Yeah, you’re here all alone, looking like a child who dropped their candy, when you’re usually a little happy ball, and in your birthday,” Gigi remarks, although not harshly. “Had a bad day?”

Crystal hates this how easy is for Gigi to read her. She knows she looks terrible, beside her dress the signals of her terrible day surely mark her face in dark bags under her eyes and pale tired skin, but Gigi has always had a talent to read her beyond that. The simple fact makes her feel even more embarrassed.

“A horrible one,” she finally confesses in a low whine. “A straight up disgusting, draining, fucked up, impossible day! And, I know I shouldn’t feel so pressed about it, but birthdays are supposed to be happy and I — I am not. At least not now.”

Gigi snickers, taking Crystal’s hand in her own to give it an affectionate squeeze.

“It’s okay to have bad days. Now, to have a bad birthday is really fucked up, but it is what it is. Wanna tell me about it?”

“I’m not really in the mood of talking about me being mediocre in life,” Crystal means to joke more than to actually vent, and she loves the way Gigi giggles.

“Dramatic much?”

“Oh,” Crystal’s eyebrows raise as she laughs. “I can be more dramatic.”

But Gigi doesn’t laugh along this time. She purses her lips, and then stands up, offering her hand to Crystal again.

“Let’s go.”

Crystal looks puzzled. She takes Gigi’s hand, allowing her to pull her back on her feet. With her hand still covered by the other girl’s, Gigi begins dragging her back to the house.

“Where are we going?”

“Let’s go for a ride,” Gigi suggests, looking back over her shoulder just to give her a smile that reassures everything.

In the middle of the dark since the backyard lights don’t reach there, the path changes; Gigi takes Crystal through a small hallway that connects the porch with the patio to the front of the house. They meet a few people in the way; some passed out on the ground, others drinking in their friends and some couples making out. Crystal turns to watch them before she realizes they’re crossing the garden.

“Gigi,” she breathes as she spots the motorbike parked on the sidewalk.

The blonde reaches in the pocket of her jacket, her hand still on Crystal’s. She finally pulls out her keys and twirls them on a finger.

“Every time I’m sad, or mad… or high,” she grimaces and Crystal laughs, “I get on this thing and ride away. It usually works to clear my mind and calm me down, so I thought it could work on you too.”

Crystal feels something very close to gratitude. Instead, she knows it’s pure adoration for one called Gigi Goode.

“Okay,” excitement starts filling her face as she smiles. “Oh my god, I’ve never been close to a motorcycle before, wow!”

Gigi laughs, rolling her eyes. “You’ve literally seen it everywhere with me.”

“I know, but—” she eagerly motions to Gigi and then to the motorcycle. “I always see it as, I dunno, part of you. Like, yeah, there’s Gigi and her bike, you know? I’ve never seen it up close.”

Gigi’s light hearted laugh is the answer she receives again. “Well, now is your chance.”

The motorcycle shines in its black neat color, with not a single particle of dust on it or sign of being neglected; Gigi’s perfectionist personality reflecting. Crystal finds herself so absorbed by its beauty that she doesn’t realize when Gigi lets go of her hand and gets on the bike, using her legs to adjust herself as she takes the two helmets from the space behind her on the seat to make room for Crystal.

She reaches forward to pull the key in the ignition, and it only takes a firm move from her hand for the motor to start growling. The sound makes Crystal gasp.

“You think you can get on? I don’t want you to fall,” Gigi warns, but Crystal is already jumping behind her.

Of course, the gravity plays a cruel trick and she has to grab onto Gigi’s jacket to prevent her from sliding off, but Gigi doesn’t seem to care as she snuggles closer. She offers one of the helmets to Crystal, smiling.

“Safety first.”

“This is so pretty,” she drawls, passing her fingers over the shiny, baby pink surface of the helmet.

“Thanks. Heidi suggested me to get it customized that way,” Gigi comments as she puts her own helmet, of a white color, on. “She’s pretty much the only person who I give a ride, so I thought, why not?”

A tinge of jealousy pops in Crystal’s chest, but she forces herself to ignore it as she notices Gigi reaching over the hand grips, preparing herself to move. She rushes to put the helmet on and forces the image of Heidi taking her spot behind Gigi to fade away.

“You’ll probably resent the motion, so please hug my waist as hard as you can and hold your legs onto the sides of the seat,” says Gigi, so easily it makes Crystal think it’s something she has memorized. “I’ll go slowly anyway, since it’s your first time.”

Crystal complies immediately; she wraps her arms around Gigi’s waist and the stupid butterflies in her stomach seem to fly all the way up to her throat, suffocating her for a second, until she realizes it’s just Gigi’s perfume.

Fuck, she thinks bitterly. She smells really good.

The short heel of Gigi’s boot kicks on something at the same time she rotates the key one more time, and the motor growls fiercely.

They start moving — it’s almost magical. At first, Crystal can’t really feel it. It starts as such a gentle motion, but when she looks around, she sees Jaida’s house becoming smaller and smaller in the distance, and the houses around moving around them. That’s when it hits her; they’re moving.

Gigi speeds up once they’re out of the block, turning on the left and then right and moving smoothly until they’re exiting the neighborhood, but Crystal doesn’t mind in following their path.

She’s too busy giggling at the wind hitting her face and making her hair twirl, creating ginger waves at the sides of her head.

The world around them is moving so fast, and all she can recognize in the city at night are deformed street lights and bright colors everywhere she looks at; everything seems so distant but so close at the same time as they slide on the asphalt, and the late life of Los Angeles never looked so appealing.

Nothing seems important now. Her grade, the fight with her mother, her album nor her fucking dress. Her mind is full of Gigi; of her beautiful hair, her endearing voice, her flawless face and how soft she feels under Crystal’s hands; almost as if she belongs there, in her arms.

If Crystal wasn’t starting to feel dizzy for the speed, she would probably never think such a thing; her feelings for Gigi are something unexplored and feared, threatening to destroy their friendship because Gigi is everything and Crystal is barely something that exists. And Crystal isn’t ready to lose her.

It’s the little things, like the fact she went all around the house looking for Crystal or that she even wanted to see her, that she thought of a way to cheer her up, that make Crystal’s stomach coil and tie itself in a too tight knot that won’t probably never be the same. Gigi has some kind of security aura around her that, as Crystal learned, was impossible to ignore. She’s confident, sure, but there’s something more to that attitude; something that demands to be trusted under that bitch façade. She’s kind and loving and funny, and if Crystal has to swallow her feelings to make sure Gigi is always at her side, then she will.

As they speed up into a steady pace, Crystal notices how Gigi relaxes and leans back into her just a little, and without a second thought she leans on her as well.

“You okay back there?” Gigi asks, voice muffed by the violent wind and motor growling under them.

“Yeah!” Crystal exclaims. “Oh my god, Gigi! This is amazing!”

“Wait until you see this!”

Crystal is about to ask what she means, when they turn into an empty street, where a tunnel leans out. There are no more cars or motorcycles around them and Gigi speeds up even more as they approach the tunnel, lights flying around them.

A raw “puff!” echoes in their ears as they storm into the tunnel, and Crystal laughs as she feels the force the motorcycle is traveling through it. She feels light, like the butterflies flying around her stomach, levitating at the right speed and watching the world around them as secondary.

Gigi starts slowing down at the middle of the tunnel.

“Hold your arms up,” she tells Crystal, eyes locked at the front. “Just for a second, so you can feel the wind.”

At first Crystal hesitates, but the speed is steady and there are no more vehicles around, so she slowly pulls her arms away from Gigi.

She raises both arms, wriggling them at her sides. She makes a quick mental note to remind herself to thank Gigi later, because the air hugs her limbs in a way that almost tickles her, the soft touch running on her naked arms and she closes her eyes for a moment, wondering if she could fall asleep like this.

Of course, when the motorcycle runs over a bump and she has to hold on Gigi’s torso to avoid jumping out of the seat, that idea is quickly denied.

“Oh, right,” Gigi laughs. “I should’ve warned you about that.”

Crystal huffs, sleep knocked out of her as they leave the tunnel behind.

The rest of the way is calm; Gigi decides to go slow this time, so Crystal has the chance to see everything in a clear way (according to her, it’s very important to appreciate the view) and Crystal takes the moment to rest her chin on Gigi’s shoulder and wrap her arms around her middle, just like before, but this time without the messy rush of fearing being thrown out of the motorcycle by a bump.

The proceed to threat a way through town messily, going around buildings and onto streets Crystal doesn’t even know, but Gigi moves skillfully, like she knows exactly where she’s going, and Crystal trusts her. Soon she noticed that Gigi actually knows where they going.

She recognizes her surroundings as they approach the apartment complex where Gigi and Heidi live. She’s always complained saying that her place is small, but the few times Crystal has come over, she’s loved the cozy feeling that takes over her as soon as she crosses the door, which makes her feel even more excited.

Gigi parks carefully on a spot near the front gates. She pulls the key out and the motor shuts down, as she leans back with a pleased smile.

“I didn’t ask you if you wanted to come here, but I thought you didn’t want to go back,” she whispers, barely having to turn around to see Crystal’s face resting on her shoulder blade.

“You thought correctly,” Crystal sighs with content before a thought crosses her mind, making her gasp. “Shit, I gave Jan my phone before going out—”

Gigi reaches on the inside pocket of her jacket, pulling out Crystal’s phone.

“She gave it to me when I asked for you,” she explains to a stunned Crystal. “She thought we would leave together eventually.”

“How smart,” Crystal mumbles.

She unlocks it while Gigi takes her helmet off, noticing the time; almost two in the morning. She tugs on Gigi’s sleeve, pointing at the screen.

“It’s late, won’t Heidi be pissed if we come in? She could be sleeping.”

“The girl wouldn’t wake up even if a rock fell in her head,” Gigi rolls her eyes, gesturing for Crystal to take her helmet off as well. “C’mon, let’s go inside.”

Crystal shrugs as she does so, too wrapped in the thought of spending more time with Gigi to care. She gets back on her feet with a little jump, following her inside the building as they carry the helmets with them. Gigi talks about her day while they’re making their way to the third floor through the stairs, blame the elevator that never came back to the lobby, by Crystal’s request. She wanted to know how she had been doing while she was miserable, and Gigi complies, walking through the empty building.

“I noticed this temperature thing was broken because, c’mon, California will never be hot enough to make fucking ice cream almost boil,” she says just when they walk into the right corridor, Crystal trailing behind her. “It was a nightmare, everything was so fucking hot. I hope Heidi could fix it.”

The metal of her keys knocking makes the only sound that fills the air as Gigi opens the door. She reaches for the switch and the small living room lights up, cool air receiving them.

“She fixed it,” Crystal muses, smiling.

“God bless her,” Gigi sighs, taking off her boots. “Could you leave your shoes by the door and the helmet over the coffee table please?”

Crystal steps on the soft carpet on her short blue socks, watching as Gigi makes her way to Heidi’s bedroom door. She opens it just enough to poke her head inside. After exchanging a few words with her roommate, she turned back to Crystal, closing the door behind her.

“Heidi was just going to sleep.”

“Oh,” Crystal’s eyebrows raise. “Tell her hi?”

“I’m not sure she’ll appreciate me bothering her again,” she giggles. Her mouth opens again, but she closes it seconds after, thinking for a second on what to say. Finally, she gestures at the kitchen. “You want something to drink?”

The apartment is small, Gigi’s right. The living room has barely enough space for a couch and a coffee table and is too close to the kitchen. The bathroom is that white door carelessly next to the television hanging on the wall, and Crystal bets Gigi and Heidi’s rooms are just as small, although she has never seen them. The few times she has been there, with Jaida and Jan, they simply preferred to stick to the couch and a barstool they would drag from the kitchen.

Gigi’s room suddenly becomes source of her curiosity, but she nods, remembering Gigi’s question.

“We’ve got a great menu tonight, in honor of your birthday,” Gigi hums as Crystal sits on one of the stools of the kitchen bar. She opens the fridge, eyeing the content blocked to Crystal’s view by the fridge door. “We have… well, we’ve got beer, and pretty much nothing else.”

Crystal laughs. “Beer! Just what I wanted!”

Gigi is beaming under the kitchen lights as she tosses her a beer and takes another one for herself, nonchalantly kicking the fridge closed. She leans a hip on the kitchen bar, worryingly close to Crystal, and holds her beer up.

“Cheers,” she clicks their cans together.

“Cheers,” Crystal repeats. She stops right before taking a sip, frowning. “But what are we exactly cheering for?”

Sipping her drink, Gigi breathes out a laugh.

“You just killed the moment, babe.”

Babe. Crystal’s ears burn with the name, and she attempts to conceal her surprise by pretending she’s genuinely confused.

“Well, who cares?” Gigi shrugs, holding her beer up again. “Here’s to terrible birthdays, a broken temperature system, and…”

“Motorcycles,” Crystal fills in for her.

“Yeah,” Gigi grins at her. “Motorcycles.”

Crystal leans back to take a long sip of her drink, savoring the slightly bitter taste going down her throat. She notices Gigi staring at her when she places the beer back over the bar, with the ghost of a smile on her glossy lips.

“What?”

“What,” Gigi repeats, snickering.

“You’re looking at me,” Crystal points out, smiling to cover her worsening blush.

“I like looking at you,” the blonde simply says, as if it’s obvious. “I always wanna look at you.”

“That’s creepy. Do I need to call the cops?”

Far from looking bothered, Gigi shrugs. “Who knows. Maybe.”

Crystal scowls with no genuine annoyance, but her face softens as Gigi’s smile somehow widens.

“You’re weird, miss Goode. I thought being weird was my gig,” she jokes, making Gigi throw her head back in laughter.

Internally, Crystal is praying this moment never ends. Seeing Gigi under the dim lights of her kitchen, toying with that beer and looking so effortlessly gorgeous is having the same effect as when she was feeling the air hit her face on the motorcycle, and her head already feels lost in space, far away from the apartment.

“Why were you looking for me earlier?” Crystal asks, voice small.

The intimate atmosphere created around the two is beginning to feel suffocating. Crystal can feel Gigi so close, like she’s the only real part of a dream and the rest of the world was nothing but a wallpaper for her wonderful figure to stand in front of and lead Crystal through the rest of the night.

“Nothing,” Gigi doesn’t even look taken aback by the sudden question.

“Oh, c’mon. It can’t be nothing,” she whines as Gigi takes another sip, purposely taking a long fucking time doing so. “Gigi, c’mon. Tell me!”

She leans forward, making her lower lip stick out in an exaggerated pout. It seems to work catching Gigi’s attention since her whole face seems decomposed when she glances over.

“Don’t do that.”

Crystal frowns. “Do what?”

“Don’t pout.”

“Why not?” she quirks en eyebrow.

“Because it makes me wanna kiss it off your lips,” Gigi deadpans. She takes a final sip from her beer before walking to the fridge again, not minding if Crystal just froze on her spot.

Crystal laughs nervously, trying to convince herself she just misheard. Her heart is beating so fast on er chest, if she watched any medical tv show she might be worried for it to pop out of her body through her nose at any second.

As time passes, she wonders if that’s possible.

“What did you say?”

Gigi sighs, returning with another two beers. She looks uncharacteristically shy, sheepishly placing the new beer in front of Crystal, eyes glued to the carpet.

“This is dumb,” she blurts.

“Gigi—”

But Gigi leans in to kiss her, and suddenly any word forming in Crystal’s head dissolves.

It’s slow and tentative at first, but any doubt disappears when Crystal’s hands move to cup Gigi’s face, pulling her even closer.

She feels light. So light, like when she was holding her arms up in the tunnel to feel the wind, and everything moved so far away from her, she felt ethereal. And now, moving her lips against Gigi’s and feeling the texture of her lipstick between them makes her wonder how Gigi can make such raw sentiments be born in her, riding a goddamn motorcycle or kissing her in the tiny kitchen of her apartment.

Gigi’s hands are tight at the sides of her waist, tugging a little tighter as she pulls back to grab some air.

“That’s why I was looking for you earlier,” she confesses after a while of comfortable silence.

Crystal feels pulled out from a deep trance… or rid over by a bus. Whatever sounds romantic as she stares at the blonde’s deep blue eyes and runs her fingers over her shoulders.

“I think I’ve felt this way with you for a while… I mean, you’re pretty, and I have eyes, so I can tell that you’re pretty,” Gigi continues and if Crystal wasn’t focusing on breathing she would’ve laughed, “I thought that I could keep it friendly, but this morning, when I knew the temperature system was broken and I couldn’t make it to class or the party, I was so pissed. I didn’t wanna let you down.”

The butterflies in Crystal’s stomach have eaten her tongue. Yes, that’s why she’s speechless.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Gigi finally asks and everything fits in Crystal’s head.

“Why would I be mad at you? You’ve literally described how I feel for the last semester with this crush I have on you,” Crystal blurts out.

Before regrets covers her entire face, she notices Gigi raising an eyebrow, with a smirk threatening to form on her lips.

“Last semester, huh? That much?”

“Shut up,” Crystal tries to sound pissed, she really does, but with Gigi being so close, her blushing cheeks betray her initial expression.

“Don’t be embarrassed, you’re flattering me.”

They both laugh. A warm feeling spreads across Crystal’s chest at the fact.

“This day… it was hell,” she mumbles, and almost smiles at how Gigi looks at her, having her entire attention, “and I also was thinking of you. It was weird… like, as I said before, birthdays are supposed to be happy and while I was sad and grumpy I couldn’t help but think ‘I wish Gigi was here, because she would make everything better; she’d make me laugh or help me or just make me feel like I’m not alone’ and I hated the idea of not getting to see—”

“The love of your life?” Gigi suggests, sounding way too hopeful.

“I was gonna say that blonde bitch,” Crystal grimaces, “but if that works for you…”

Gigi laughs, mumbling something about who was the real bitch is as she reaches over for her second beer.

Leaning her side on the kitchen bar, freshly open can in hand, Gigi smiles again. It’s a show of her teeth and little wrinkles at the sides of her eyes that Crystal remembers noticing the day they met that morning at History of Art class.

Glancing at that very smile, Crystal’s pretty sure she’s dreaming. Did she fall asleep on Jaida’s lawn? That’d be pathetic. Someone could think she’s dead tomorrow morning when everyone’s hung over and oh, the idea frightens her, but she has to be dreaming. She can’t be this lucky — she’s never been lucky. What are the chances someone like Gigi can have a crush on her?

This flawless, beautiful girl with a golden personality that Crystal’s been making heart-eyes at for months has a crush on her.

God, she thinks. If I fell asleep Jan better never wakes me up.

“Crystal?”

The redhead blinks a couple of times, meeting Gigi’s eyes in the process.

“You were lost in thought, babe. You alright?”

The fucking pet name again. Crystal isn’t dreaming; her brain wouldn’t be mean enough to make up scenarios like this.

“Was I? Sorry.”

That’s not the answer Gigi wants. She drags the other barstool from the other side of the kitchen bar to Crystal’s side, sitting down with her beer still in hand.

“Stop overthinking.”

It’s not a suggestion. Crystal attempts to laugh, but no actual sound comes out of her mouth.

“Well, I can’t,” she babbles, “it’s hard. This doesn’t feel real.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“No,” she whispers, more to herself than to the other girl. “I always thought that you were… romantically different than me.”

Gigi looks utterly confused. “Please elaborate?”

The butterflies are not dead. They’re flying around Crystal’s stomach now, begging her to not fuck it up.

“I never thought you’d feel the same,” she admits, too quietly for her taste.

Vulnerability is not a good look on her, she has decided years before, and definitely not in front of Gigi. She has all the time in the world to be a cry baby in the comfortable privacy of her dorm, not right now, for Christ’s sake.

“This is real,” Gigi gestured at herself, then at Crystal. “We’re real. Everything is. I can’t understand why you’re so impressed about it, but I know for sure it’s not enough of a reason.”

Crystal nods. Gigi’s right, as always, and she’s just wasting time questioning why has her day taken the path it did instead of enjoying it.

“I’m just being stupid.”

Gigi rolls her eyes, pulling her again for another kiss — a shorter one, but Crystal can’t help but try and memorize how her lips feel against hers. She’s never stopped and think of how it would be to kiss Gigi, and she’s somehow glad; none of her expectations would have been better than the real thing.

“I like you stupid,” Gigi comments once they part, receiving a smack on the arm by Crystal. “You know I’m kidding; you’re never stupid, but I do like you.”

“I like you too,” Crystal breathes, feeling every of her limbs relaxing. Gigi doesn’t say more, and maybe it’s the end of their conversation, but there’s something else forming in Crystal’s throat and before she knows it, she blurts out, “thank you.”

Gigi looks up, puzzled. “For what?”

“For the ride. It was the best birthday present ever.”

Under the dim lights of a small kitchen in an even smaller apartment somewhere in Los Angeles, Crystal knows there’s nothing better than Gigi Goode.

#rpdr fanfiction #crystal methyd #gigi goode #college au #lesbian au #fluff #catrina #concrit welcome #crygi #s12

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birriabirria · 3 years

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idolatry: brokat idol & manager, halkat fan & idol au

PLEASE HEAD THE WARNINGS! CW: underage, obsession, gaslighting, grooming, emotional & sexual abuse, drug abuse, victim blaming, murder

note: this is fucking LONG as in so long, that there’s worldbuilding before i get to the halkat part addition: IT’S 9.2K WORDS???

okay so karkat is young and insecure so of course he’d look up to mr strider! mr strider picked *him* rather than another audtionee see? mr strider saw something special in him and karkat will never let him down. and bro cares for karkat. why wouldn’t he? the one that he took from the rubble and polished to a shine, his own starlight

(and if i go with the troll & human society thing, karkat only has his lusus so… bro is basically the only adult in karkat’s life that he trusts so it’s basically stacked against karkat from the start)

and fuck, karkat would be such an anxious mess. he’s always thinking about the label’s expectations, his standards for himself and mr strider expectation. they’re all balled up in his chest and karkat can’t deal with it

and bro’s there to comfort him, of course he is. oh, starlight, working so hard for me. you’re so good, so precious. come here and i’ll make you feel better. bro’s just comforting his ward, what’s wrong with that? where’s the harm in that? and karkat feels so enamored with bro and is such a hopeless romantic that he might actually take everything happening as bro wanting him back. karkat is young and misguided so… bro’s not hurting him physically so why would he think that bro is hurting him? friend: Karkat passing out at from exhaustion friend: And bro just keeps pushing and pushing. bro smoothly backtracks and tells him that oh, you look so tired and sick, come lie down with me. i’ll take care of you, haven’t i alway taken good care of you? bro is a perfectionist and karkat is one of the people who can actually somewhat reach his standards and well, bro can’t let him go can he? friend: Bro does little things that get Karkat to physically react. friend: So if anything happens or if there’s tension he blames or makes Karkat feel like it’s his fault friend: If something is wrong it’s Karkat’s doing bro is always there to reassure him that it isn’t. did you really believe me when i said that it was your fault? it was just some coaching. come on now, don’t cry. i would never be mad at you. you work so hard and karkat can’t run to someone else! can’t find solace in someone else because bro has kept him away from other people and encouraged his rudeness. oh starlight, you can’t trust them. they’re just trying to confuse so you’d fail. why wouldn’t karkat believe him? mr strider isn’t gonna lie to him!! karkat grows up under bro’s thumb and that’s a fingerprint he can never erase. karkat is bro’s in a way no one has ever been. not even dave friend: Karkat does blow up though. He’s so successful, and that’s a testament to why he should trust Bro. friend: In interviews Karkat is always so grateful to Mr.Strider and people think it’s really cute at first and bro talks about karkat so warmly too. but never calls him by his name… friend: But there’s a couple articles that come out about Karkat’s regiment or about he ended up hospitalized due to exertion which Bro spins as Karkat having a minor health condition but friend: In reality it’s him. friend: And Karkat believes that he actually has a condition lmao? friend: He is blinded by bro so much he doesn’t realize it’s just him getting overworked and overwhelmed and bro would help him to get better and be so doting during it but it’s really such a cycle friend: drugging karkat friend: Under the guise of medicating his condition because sometimes karkat being a perfectionist works a bit too well and he’d want to practice even when sick? and course bro keeps karkat in his mansion to recuperate and not his apartment the whole time… bro finally goes fuck it and goes down on karkat… friend: Drugged up Karkat not understanding what his body is feeling and just grasping at bro because he always makes things better friend: Bro definitely frames it as doing it for Karkat because Karkat begged karkat is so tired and sleepy and bro is so warm and caring… they’re finally alone and karkat is finally getting that care and validation from bro that he has wanted so badly. karkat’s mind is fuzzy and he’s clingy and he’s so so so in love with bro that bro… just goes for it really. bro can sense weakness and he knows with that certainty that karkat is weak for him. karkat already wants him so why not… give him what he wants. never let it be said that bro isn’t gracious. it is SO BAD that karkat is stuck in a house all alone with bro!!! and i like to think that bro starts with innocent-seeming touches at first. mussing up karkat’s hair, a hand on karkat’s shoulder, holding his hand and sitting down next to him with an arm around karkat and it progresses. a touch on karkat’s face, a hand on karkat’s knee, leaning down and way too close. when bro kisses karkat on the forehead for the first time, karkat just lights up and bro actually does feel warm. but of course it doesn’t end there… and maybe bro isolating karkat has another reason for it. karkat is his so bro will never let anyone else get close enough to take him away. bro’s affection for karkat is part actual fondness, part looking out for an investment, part this dark possessiveness and part he’s my toy, no one else can have him and augh karkat is in such a huge mess!!!! friend: Mmmm a fan going overboard and stalking or trying to hurt Karkat and bro is there to the rescue friend: Which only fuels Karkat’s infatuation friend: Even though the fan was probably not that different to bro the only real difference between the fan and bro is that bro is in a position of power over karkat… the fan thinks karkat is small and cute and so helpless and that they’d take much better care of him than his manager of label!!! and sometimes… that’s how bro thinks of karkat too. yeah, bro pushes karkat but in those rare quiet moments, he does want to take care of karkat. and i guess bro is kinda stuck between pushing karkat even more and wanting to take care of him? back to drugged karkat… he’s sleepy and maybe even cries? and bro wipes away his ears and shushes him but his hands move lower and lower. he pushes the comforter aside and he unties karkat’s sweatpants and karkat doesn’t quite know what is going on. bro has his big, warm hands on karkat’s thighs and before karkat knows it, there’s fingers in then a mouth on his nook. karkat’s toes curl and he’s just making noises. oooooooh non-con somno!!!! karkat is already pretty sleepy so it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep and bro is either already fucking him or desperately wants too… and doesn’t care? or is too far gone in chasing his pleasure that he goes through with it keeps going and when he finally finishes he picks karkat up and puts him in another bed and karkat is all confused that he’s in another room but bro brushes away the question. bro taking karkat through all the beds in the house because it keeps happening… bro taking karkat through all the beds in the house because it keeps happening… bro has to give karkat a sponge bath and he’s just itching to be all over karkat the whole time… aaaaaaa bro being on the last thread of his self control when karkat gets sick from overworking and now he has karkat all to himself in an empty house. and before bro has thought of it but he pushed it aside? because training karkat was more important but with how needier and starving for affection karkat becomes, bro keeps thinking more and more about it? and the last thread of bro’s control snaps when karkat is sick and all alone with him. like… bro groomed karkat to completely depend on him, you should only listen to me because i’m the only one who wants you to succeed then it’s are you feeling stressed? come lie with me, i’ll make you feel better then you shouldn’t believe what people say, i’m the only who truly cares about you? like… bro doesn’t think about bad touching karkat at first and when he thinks about it once, he brushes it aside but it slowly eats away at him until he finally does it? and there’s how bro thinks too? is he doing this to chase his pleasure or is he doing this chasing karkat’s pleasure? that obsessive fan not that different to bro is so fascinating! karkat as one of the very few people to wring out gentleness from bro but it ends terribly for him is [chef’s kiss] like… bro pushes karkat very hard but it’s tough love! he doesn’t mean to hurt him! he knows and believes that karkat can be the best so he just needs a little push! and oh shit, karkat’s sick from overwork and of course bro will take such good care of him. and see, karkat wants him and he is so needy and lonely and desperate for any scrap of affection that of course bro has to comfort him, he can’t leave karkat to cry! “he wanted me but i couldn’t break his heart by refusing him” is so fucking victim blaming that i’m just [chef’s kiss] the dichotomy of karkat as one of the people bro is gentle too while bringing out bro’s darker impulses… friend: Karkat never sees bro in a bad light friend: If there’s any tension or if he feels there’s something immoral happening, he always thinks it’s his own doing friend: Karkat thinks he’s the poison in Bro’s character because he thinks that he’s young and stupid and asking too much! to karkat, bro has never given him a reason to see him in a bad light. he’s so sweet! he’s so sweet! and karkat sees that he’s not like that with other people. a mr strider hates so many people but not me! thing friend: And bro does try that restraint at first friend: Even when Karkat is super exhausted, maybe a little drunk from an award ceremony (doesn’t mix well with his meds) and Karkat is crawling onto bro’s lap bro’s just sweating. he shouldn’t entertain the thought but he can’t push karkat away either… friend: I could see him at 21, the peak of his career but in arrested development because bro doesn’t really let him grow up, he keeps him so sheltered. And totally, bro doesn’t do anything but he does just let Karkat do whatever he wants in that state which might be Karkat just dry humping bro’s thigh through their tuxedoes or something. ooooh bro ushering karkat away from everyone else and while he doesn’t do anything, he is holding him and shushing him… friend: maybe he did kids shows before he debuted in music? friend: Music debut would be a little later when his voice changed friend: That’s when bro picks him up? Before Karkat was like a supporting character type of actor? friend:So maybe bro has subconsciously had his eye on Karkat for a while friend: By the time he makes his claim as his manager ooooooh maybe bro finds karkat because dave or rose watch the show he’s on? friend: They still audition, Karkat does get chosen but maybe when he steps into the room or bro is doing rounds to see who is trying to become an idol he recognizes Karkat from his small acting roles friend: Maybe because Rose and Dave do like the obscure shitty tween shows Karkat was on friend: Bro sees him and he’s like,,, oh he’s a diamond in the rough and karkat has always been an overachiever so while he’s grateful for whatever break he has, he’s not… very into those roles so of course when there’s an audition, he goes to it and maybe it’s not even the first audition he went to! and some people and in whatever shows karkat was in, they might’ve not taken him seriously so he’s feeling very dejected but still wants to try!

aaaaaaaa bro’s one of the people who’s taken him seriously! because a lot of people just consider him as some overly serious and overly ambitious kid! bro does actually like his seriousness and ambition! and i’m thinking about how if this a troll & human society and karkat isn’t thought of very nicely, being an idol is one of the things he can do? but unfortunately it leaves him very open to dehumanization and objectification. and some humans treat idols pretty terribly already so how do trolls treat their idols? and that difference might be another reason why karkat is left open for bro to abuse hm… i guess that depends on what “image” is popular for trolls? because karkat’s language might be the norm or even on the not that bad for trolls… like… karkat’s image could either be this “helpless mutant blood who sings about finding true love!” or “tough mutantblood who doesn’t need anyone but will soften up for the right person”. and when karkat is young it can “a mutantblood trying to find his way in the world!” and when he gets older its a hopeless romantic or rebellious teenager image but “mutantblood” is never too far and i think karkat being pop punk (a la avril lavigne?) when young would appeal to kids and teens, humans or trolls. or he’s seen as more “indie” because he’s not that popular? and… maybe because karkat acts very himself with yelling and swearing, that’s also another reason why he’s popular with the humans? some humans would be scandalizes by it but that image does sell very well! friend: Both friend: Older he’s seen as more indie friend: When he’s younger he seen as that pop punk troll and… while bro does coach karkat in how to act and what to say, the image that bro makes for karkat is as close to his self as possible to avoid discrepancies? and because so karkat doesn’t have to act so hard and for so long. and well, if people feel that karkat’s more “real”, they might like that more! karkat’s image as a teen as this rebellious pop punk singer when he doesn’t think of being disobedient to bro even once is rather sad irony imagine the documentary about karkat’s sudden rise to fame! karkat is too loud and too insistent and he seems so uncomfortable and his arms are crossed and he’s curled a little into himself and bro is always hovering nearby… and the editor of course tried their best but it still feels like something’s not right? and even oppressive… and there’s several montages of karkat in dance practice and the interviewer asks isn’t this the [x amount of] times you’ve been sick? and when the cameraperson tries to be there at house that karkat recuperates in, bro’s smoothly says that this is the only place karkat can have complete privacy so you can’t go there and the camera crew can only go there when they’re invited but only into the living room friend: bro is actually very good at protecting Karkat from the media friend: Which comes in handy later when he really doesn’t want what’s happening to be caught friend: But that editor does sell that footage ? friend: So there’s like gossip on television and online about how awful things are for Karkat? of course. being a celebrity brings him under the scrutiny of the tabloids and on the walls of the living room are photographs and articles of karkat and on the dresser against are all the awards karkat has won and bro tells the camera crew that he’s the one that cut them out and framed them. it’s obvious that bro is very proud of karkat and karkat actually smiles at that. and it’s cute that bro did that for karkat’s photos and articles but it’s also… rather obsessive and this house that bro keeps karkat in when he recuperates it filled to the brim of proof of karkat’s fame and success so when karkat’s awake and lucid enough to look around, he’s always reminded of how much he owes bro. there’s posters of himself on the walls, photobooks and tapes of his performances and concerts on the shelves… yeah, bro drugging karkat is really fucking bad but if karkat was awake and lucid, the house is fucking nauseating to stay in. the whole house is basically a fucking stalker’s dollhouse! friend: Ohhhh maybe there’s some more like…intimate or personal shots in Bro’s office which Karkat hasn’t gone into lucid in a long timeeeee friend: If he did he might question when bro managed to get them? if karkat is ever in there… like… does karkat never go there because he doesn’t dare go into bro’s space? considers it something huge and possibly even sacred friend: Karkat doesn’t go into the office because that’s just…not his? All meetings or business things are held in the studio friend: The office is just for whatever bro does. He’s been in a couple times early in the career but not in recent times and bro told him once to not go there uninvited so of course karkat doesn’t barge in. karkat is so obedient when it comes to bro in a freaky amount friend: Apart from the studio it’s the only place that’s both sound proof and has been swept for cameras. friend: Karkat is essentially never allowed to speak to his doctor alone friend: When he does, the doctor suggests getting him off the medication (doesn’t seem to be helping with what is actually just exhaustion) but bro quickly makes him switch doctors. …bro as the source of karkat’s future dug addiction. friend: sending him to rehab but also being the reason for his relapse? friend: Or not letting him go to actual rehab friend: There’s too much talking and therapy they would realize bro’s role in an instant friend: Karkat is 16-17 and already an addict. and bro is also karkat’s dealer so that’s yet another way he fucks karkat up. and if bro sends karkat to rehab it’s to a place he’s secretly poured money in so karkat doesn’t get too far. and when bro withholds the drugs from karkat and karkat begs him for some and bro refuses at first but gives in when karkat’s starts crying and bro’s darker impulses rear it’s ugly head and he makes karkat beg for it in… several ways. bro fucks karkat as karkat pleads and begs and cries for the drugs. friend: And he definitely fucks him through his high friend: Karkat is hardly conscious while bro is just shushing him and telling him i’m here, i’m here. and it starts all over again. whatever karkat remembers is that he felt so good. friend: It’s not until he’s alone maybe in the bath or while bro is at work that Karkat realizes how bruised and sore he is. He can barely walk. for karkat, the night is just this hazy euphoric and orgasmic blur and! karkat never ever thinks of going to someone else for drugs because he can’t stand the thought of bro being disappointed and angry at him. he’s ashamed because he thinks there was some way that he could have avoided having a drug addiction. like… karkat once again thinks that this is his fault, not realizing the hand bro had in it. for karkat, everything is always his fault and never mr strider’s and… somedays, bro actually does feel guilty for ruining karkat and it’s so much guilt that bro can’t look at karkat but some days… bro feels this dark, smug satisfaction for ruining karkat and it’s inescapable. maybe be as the years go by, that dark, smug satisfaction wins more and more …ohohohoholy shit what if the obsessive fan is hal or dirk or…both? he gets curious about karkat when karkat debuts but what kicks off his obsession is when karkat is there at a family gathering and hal manages to talk to him… because karkat’s guard is somewhat down around the strider-lalonde family. because yeah, karkat has several obsessive fans but hal and/or dirk are the only ones who can get close to him! friend: I love love love the idea that it’s hal. friend: Hal being like a closeted fan which feeds the obsession friend: It allows him access that would otherwise be denied to him by bro. holed in up in his room, searching for more pictures of karkat he can save into his hard drive because since bro has a very tight control of karkat, his family is one of the people karkat can really see you know? when and where he sees them is still controlled but bro doesn’t mind him seeing them that much? karkat is on his best behavior so they like him and they think he’s cute friend: None of them have ever expressed much interest in bro’s job or Karkat and they’re not super close so he thinks it’s fine friend: Little does he know Hal has a collection that would rival bro’s also. bro is karkat’s producer too? hal asks karkat to go with him and karkat hesitates but goes with him because he doesn’t have a reason to not trust him when hal finally manages to gets a small smile from karkat… he’s done, his obsession is cemented. oooooh, hal building a fansite for karkat? and he’s always on top of any news about karkat so when karkat gets sick, hal is ready to give him/post a well wishing message on his fansite. whenever karkat goes to meet the any of the strilondes and hal is there, hal has a secret camera to take candid photos of him and he keeps them to himself because if he doesn’t and posts them on the fansite, bro will know friend: Yesssssss there has to be a slip up eventually!!!! friend: The fan gifts friend: That somehow always get to Karkat! because hal always knows where he is! if the “an obsessive fan tries to hurt karkat�� incident happens, hal will read about it and he finds the person to take “revenge” and there’s even a rant about the incident in the fansite if the fansite is already up. it could even be one of the first posts in it! friend: Mmm does stuff go missing? friend: Like hal taking karkat souvenirs maybe small things? because hal has to hide them and they have to fit in his pocket or bag. hal taking the spoon or fork karkat had been using… the tissue he wiped his lips on… when hal gets the seat next to karkat, he’s so giddy on the inside hal thinks about asking karkat for his autograph but doesn’t do it because so many people have karkat’s autograph, if he does that he’s not getting something special. maybe hal takes a picture of karkat when karkat’s all sleepy? or karkat taking a nap! or one of the shirts that karkat put aside because he’s changing? hal being too close to karkat and bro catches him kjkjgkkjgg bro is torn between being cold to hal and shrugging it off because people do come too close to karkat when they have the chance. and if bro’s… relationship with karkat hasn’t started yet, he might just shrug it off! i think that bro gets super possessive of karkat and that’s when he starts to restrict him from seeing people karkat’s of course send him fan gifts and some somehow always get to karkat, when a gift reaches the houses where karkat recuperates, bro is furious. this is a no-go zone for the media and it’s a no-go zone for the fans too. hal unknowingly pisses off bro! and bro doesn’t want to leave this precious little dollhouse but he might. he of course puts the gifts in trash. the other gifts (the ones given to karkat during meet & greets and sent to him) are kept in karkat’s hive because bro will never allow it in the dollhouse. they’re a proof of karkat’s fame and bro knows that very well but he doesn’t want them. at all and after bro’s… relationship with karkat starts, he hates it when other people get to close to him and even touch him. because maybe… bro thinks that karkat being touched by someone else makes him dirty and “disgusting”. bro’s darker impulses eventually consuming him… and maybe he either forces karkat to retire or…kills him because bro does give in to his darker impulses so… does it eventually consume him and if it does, how does it end? because it would be such bad luck for karkat when bro does something bad and hal manages to save him but it’s just karkat turning to another obsessed lover. and… depending on how deep the conditioning is, karkat might actually understand that he has to die and there’s the extra layer of grossness when bro tries to kill karkat when he’s still young friend: Okay I want like a really botched attempt and maybe someone catches on in time? because depending on where they are, someone actually will friend: Bro for some unknown reason just fails to kill him. It is weird because he should be good at it but maybe hal inadvertently messes the plan up friend: Karkat is in the hospital friend: Its a media frenzy because if it’s in the dollhouse, no one can catch them there. but if it’s in karkat’s hive or bro’s office at the label hq… or maybe even a hotel… someone will definitely catch them friend: Okay hal going from obsessed fan to maybe genuine love and detective work??? like… hal slowly finding out who karkat really is and instead of being turned off, he begins to like him friend: Maybe he isn’t who hal thought he’s a little different from his public persona and what was the obsessive want to keep karkat becomes this sincere worry in making sure he’s safe friend: Hal learns to see karkat in a way that isn’t just selfishly trying to collect him …which is in a stark contrast to bro who selfishly wants to collect him even more friend: bro goes in the opposite direction friend: He’s less concerned with Karkat’s wellbeing and more with his own access and keeping karkat’s undivided attention friend: Maybe that’s around the time he has karkat diagnosed to drug him friend: Hal doing medical research because it doesn’t make sense friend: Karkat is under strict rules to now show his meds to anyone friend: But hal finds them on accident or while just generally still snooping through karkst’s stuff friend: And he’s like this doesn’t look right ooooh how does hal manage to get close enough to do that? does he become part of the touring band? and adding the “bro tries to kill karkat when karkat is still young”, bro does it because he doesn’t want karkat to get closer to someone else? like… yes, he should try to kill him now because the conditioning is still so ingrained in him. and if karkat dies, he won’t grow old and grow distant to realize what happened to him. gotta keep him pure" thinking but being “pure” means dependent on bro friend: Death as preservation friend: Maybe hal gets close by being their sound guy on tour friend: He’s the only one with the patience to handle bro’s instructions ah, and bro would be even harder on him because he’s family. there’s no nepotism here! also. is hal such a closeted fan that he didn’t talk to roxy about it? because i think that hal does talk to roxy about it and that helps lessen the obsession a bit because roxy will catch it and call him out on it (friend: Bro for some unknown reason just fails to kill him. It is weird because he should be good at it but maybe hal inadvertently messes the plan up) what if bro fails at doing it because he just… couldn’t. if we go with “doting” bro, he has never hurt karkat before so hurting karkat now and even trying to kill him… to him, it’s the first time he’s hurt karkat and he promised that he wouldn’t but he is doing it and oh fuck, why did he do that and maybe that’s how bro gets even more obsessed with karkat because hurting karkat made something snap inside him? and while bro isn’t gonna try to kill karkat again, a part of his increased obsessiveness is remorse and trying to mend it? it would be even MORE fucked up if bro didn’t think the grooming, the relationship and the drugging wasn’t harm. yes, karkat gets bruises after bro fuck but that’s just part of sex! no, it’s harm, intentional physical harm that bro considers as bad. a… “it’s JUST emotional and psychological abuse” kinda thing? so when it the abuse crosses over into physical abuse, that’s finally when bro realizes that something has gone deeply wrong but unfortunately, it doesn’t lessen his obsession friend: Right. Karkat comes down with a fever due to how intense sex was. Like maybe bro as gentle as he can be isn’t great with the aftercare or maybe later on just flat out doesn’t do it and then what? like… bro learns to do better/actually do aftercare? friend: Mmmmmm yes friend: BUT maybe it’s late friend: And hal has kind of been doing that friend: Which is making the bond between karkat and hal grow friend: And there is dissonance when bro starts to do it and karkst is confused? friend: Because he sees that time and care as something he shares with hal? and of course karkat doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with bro not caring for him, hasn’t mr strider cared for him enough? friend: Right! To karkat everyone has their role and his is to always listen to bro, be subservient to bro oooooh, you know… that implies that karkat and hal have fucked and hm… how did karkat keep that a secret from bro? friend: See i was thinking about that friend: because I feel like hal wouldn’t at first friend: He can’t cross that line it ruins the image he has of his idol ….WAIT what if karkat confesses to bro about it because the guilt was too much and that’s the catalyst of bro trying to kill karkat? karkat is now “dirty” friend: Yessssss okay I was thinking that when hal finds out that karkat has had sex maybe doesn’t know it is with bro friend: But the thought of being able to see karkat like that and sharing that intimacy pushes hal to pursue it and he is so different to bro friend: Karkat can’t help but give in just some person that the label decided to keep a secret because karkat? dating? no friend: I was thinking karkat let’s it slip but knows not to be specific friend: He accidentally tells hal in confidence friend: So only hal knows i guess since hal is the sound guy on tour, that means that they’re in their early twenties so… hal might not realize that it’s weird at first? because if karkat was gonna date, it should be someone close to him friend: I’m still thinking of the time when hal was a closeted stan like… yeah, karkat would sleep with bro because not only are they in the same industry, they’re under the same label and the label wouldn’t protest if it’s bro because bro wouldn’t go public with it. and hal thinks that they’ve slept together only recently so… i think that if hal was still a closeted stan, he’d think that’s not weird at all? like sure, his idol is sleeping with someone but it’s not some rando! i think that maybe hal starts to realize that something is off when he starts to grow out of being a stan? he finally realizes that hey, dating someone you’re managing and produced for is kinda weird? and it finally clicks for him when karkat says something about when the relationship started? like… maybe hal notices the difference between before karkat gets sick and after he recovers? and maybe… karkat doesn’t tell hal that he’s sleeping with bro but hal pieced it together because who else can get close enough to him during all this time? because even if hal is the sound guy during tour, i don’t think bro would let karkat talk to him past 2 minutes. because of course hal became the tour sound guy to be close to karkat but he never gets the chance to because karkat doesn’t stay that long so hal is upset about it and he starts noticing that karkat can’t stay because bro rushes him and when he does, bro is always around… making hal genuinely like karkat is such a good idea! because i thought of the possible parallel of seeing karkat smile was what cemented hal’s obsession with and seeing karkat smile made hal truly fall for him friend: Hal starting to question bro’s presence and motives friend: He gets fired from doing sound maybe? and that cements hal’s suspicion? friend: Yes and hal genuinely wanting karkat to be happy and safe vs bro wanting karkat to be happy and safe as another reason for his obsession and to assuage his guilt. so hal tries to investigate what’s happening without the access he had before. i think jane and roxy would be helpful! friend: Bro wants karkat’s safety as a side effect rather than an integral part of his happiness friend: Yesssss friend: Roxy would be all over this friend: She’s not allowed to get close from the get go because she’s an open fan of karkat friend: Or…. bro doesn’t have a whole lot of say because Roxy also works in the industry? ooooh, is she a dj? friend: yes friend: YES friend: They do a collaboration and possibly produced for karkat before? friend: It’s high demand they have good chemistry friend: They have to go on tour together friend: Bro hates it was just gonna say! bro isn’t pleased but it’s label enforced friend: And Roxy takes this as a rare opportunity to help investigate because if roxy went to the same events that karkat should have gone to, they noticed that karkat isn’t there. and that’s weird in their industry. karkat is only at events that bro can’t weasel out of. and maybe… roxy manages to strike up a camaraderie with karkat and of course bro hates that too. and i think roxy notices something weird too bro can’t fuck karkat when karkat’s busy and on tour but bro is desperate to so he pushes karkat even harder so he’d gets sick from overwork again and bro can steal him away back to the dollhouse. and karkat is desperate for bro too and bro wants nothing more than to give in but they can’t because someone might notice karkat begging bro to fuck him and clambering onto his lap and grinding against him and bro can only finger him khgkjkgkgkgk. bro learns to bring a gag with him so he can keep karkat quiet!!! karkat being 16 and bro has him ride him… digs his fingers into karkat’s skin and bounces him on his lap kghkkhgkgkg. bro and karkat in the dollhouse is the time when bro can fuck karkat as much as he wants so bro is anticipating when karkat gets sick. i’m sorry that got horny so fast thinking about hal fucking karkat and it’s when he’s still an obsessed fan but he’s so gentle! because that’s what his precious, wonderful idol deserves. which is yet another contrast to bro because while hal is still obsessed with karkat, he’s worshipful of him. wants to make karkat happy and is slow and gentle while bro uses wanting to make karkat happy as a reason to satisfy himself hal’s obsession with karkat is unhealthy but it manifests differently from bro’s back to karkat telling bro he slept with someone… karkat feels so fucking guilty about it. he’s only been fucked bro and bro’s only been fucking him so karkat thinks that he’s betrayed bro but the thing is, he doesn’t tell bro the person’s name. because karkat is taking all the blame. he lost control of himself and he seduced that person and karkat begs for bro’s forgiveness. bro is stone-faced but karkat knows that he’s furious. bro finally gets close and his voice is low when he says I look away for a second and you let someone else fuck you. Was I bad that you had to turn to someone else? But I’ve always known you were a slut and he asks questions, did you beg him to fuck you? were you fucking gagging for his dick? did he fuck you better than I did? and karkat is just crying and he doesn’t want to answer those questions but bro makes him. through sobs, karkat does n-no, he didn’t fuck me better than you do. no one fucks me better than you do. I love you, I love your dick, I love it when you fuck me friend: Okay does he believe that though??? he might if the conditioning is still so deep. in the moment, he might. if we go with “karkat had a crush on bro”, karkat might actually believe that he loves bro. has convinced himself of the fact and maybe even does truly, sincerely love him. bro has isolated karkat enough that karkat hasn’t spend enough time with anyone to even develop a crush. there’s only ever been bro you know? so if there’s only ever been bro, who else is there to love? not himself because there’s nothing about himself to love. whatever karkat likes about himself is only whatever bro likes about him. his eagerness to please, his obedience, his work ethic, his eagerness he is to fuck. so… again, if there’s only ever been bro, who else is there to love? fuck man, karkat being super into sex because he knows that’s what bro wants… sexie and sad friend: Yes it’s very much both friend: Hal teaching him hes lovable beyond sex friend: His worship of karkat teaches makes him feel like there is actual value to him friend: Sex with hal when he’s just a fan is nothing compared to when they have sex once hal is sincere did karkat feel uncomfortable with how hal treats him? because it’s both expected and… not. because despite how bro thinks of him, he rarely treats karkat gently. and… does karkat realize that he shouldn’t be sleeping with a fan? because if he doesn’t, it just might be him being a hopeless romantic again and if he does, does he do it because he knows that he won’t be hurt? because thinking of karkat sensing that hal isn’t completely a fan anymore and being uncomfortable with it because there’s no more safety net? hal’s development is opposite to karkat’s too! like… what if karkat prefers it if hal is an obsessed lover because that’s something his familiar with and finds it comforting because it’s what he only knows? because i said that karkat going from an obsessed lover to another lover and that one is because karkat doesn’t know that hal is like that but if karkat does know that hal is like that and chooses to be with him anyway, it’s tragic. if such a lover is all he’s ever known, going to another that’s like that would feel comforting. because at least he knows what to expect and he can act accordingly. because if karkat is in early to mid twenties, his… relationship with bro has going for almost a decade and… that’s fucking rough does karkat ever get this passing moment of realization that there’s something with bro? like… does bro’s temper rises fast and hot and there’s this moment karkat is terrified of bro. when it passes, of course karkat tries to reason it away but maybe it plants a seed of doubt inside him? friend: Omg Karkat freaking out when hal is no longer praising him for things he does as an idol but the little things he knows and notices about Karkat as an authentic troll friend: K: wait, what’s happening? Since when can hal SEE me because he’s being confronted by his real self! friend: Lowkey the heartbreak hal puts himself through in getting rejected over and over friend: Because karkat continues to feel guilty and running to bro it’s a wonder that hal didn’t give up friend: Right! Hal doesn’t give up because it’s karkat and he actually likes the challenge so… does bro decide to kill karkat because of this? [eye emoji] friend: Ohhhj yes but it’s when karkat doesn’t confess who it is?? friend: Never with names friend: But its obvious when he’s feeling guilty friend: So bro gets concerned like actually sees the potential loss of karkat friend: So it becomes a matter of leaving karkat to become damaged goods or preserve the last of his purity has to keep karkat the way he is, the way that he’s still his friend: Does karkat ever find out the extent of hal’s fan obsession? hm… i guess not? because hal is secretive of it. unless karkat gets it through context clues in how hal acts? friend: That would be a big reveal and a potentially damaging one …maybe bro reveals it because if karkat keeps confessing, bro gets this undeniable itch to know. who’s taking karkat and keeps taking him away from him? friend: At first bro thinks its multiple people which feels easier to punish because Karkat, sweetheart, you are a whore. but as bro pieces by karkat’s reaction that it is one person, he becomes angrier bro calling karkat a whore… because karkat going to just one person means that he feels some affection for them OR they have something on him, either way, the person has control over his starlight friend: And how angry would bro be to see karkat fondly touching one of the marks hal left on his collar friend: Karkat maybe even smiles just slightly bro is seeing karkat happy and it’s caused by someone else and that won’t do. that won’t do at all friend: And bro loses it there. Grabs karkat by the wrist and drags him to his office or the bedroom ooooooh, is this a moment when karkat doesn’t want to be fucked by him at all? friend: YES friend: Oh he struggles against bro friend: First time he actually tries to push him away friend: Bro would be livid would be even rougher and even growl. would demand that karkat say he wants him, wants to be fucked by him. and at that moment, bro throws what karkat felt at his face. you said you loved me. you wanted to be fucked by me just last week you climbed into my bed, practically drooling for it. but you do this to me? bro… taking karkat back to the dollhouse. makes him strip and drags him into the living room and in front of the cut-out and framed articles, in front of all the awards on the dresser, bro fucks him there friend: Oh that would fuck karkat up for sure. friend: Maybe at that point he’d rather bro kill him friend: He begs bro to kill him oh I’m gonna go bad here, like way worse than usual so be warned… karkat begs bro to stop but bro just fucks him harder, makes him cum several times. bro marks karkat, bites and bruises and even cumming on his face and bro threatens to take pictures of how karkat looks, says that he’d frame those too. …threatens to show them to his new lover and even says that he’ll fuck him right in front of them. …casually says that maybe he’ll even record one of the times they fuck because if karkat is gonna be a whore, he’ll show them how much of a whore he is when the fury has dimmed slightly, bro is still fucking karkat but it’s slower, gentler. he praises karkat on how good he feels, how good he’s being and how good he takes it, thanks him for being so patient and being so forgiving, oh, karkat, don’t cry. you know I hate it when you cry. I didn’t mean all the stuff I said. I was just angry, I hate it when you go to someone else because I thought you love me. you do love me don’t you? I’m sorry karkat but can you speak louder? I didn’t hear what you said. Oh, you love me? You have no idea how happy I am hearing it. Am I your only one? Am I? when bro finishes, it’s not actually finished. he doesn’t let karkat dress, giving him his shirt to wear and karkat has only that to wear while bro keeps him in the dollhouse. and…marathon non-con sex. bro fucks karkat where in the house and when he feels like it. and bro is still very cruel so he fucks karkat in front of the tv while it plays one of his performances and they… spend a week in the dollhouse and bro just takes and takes and takes and takes from karkat so when the week is up, he’s fucked karkat’s brains out and karkat is sore and limping and worn down. he spreads his legs for bro and bro praises him for it when the week finally does finish and bro finally has his fury under control, he takes care of karkat! but karkat is quiet and too broken to notice. bro makes karkat promise to behave and karkat does. karkat spends the rest of the month recuperating and when karkat is finally “well” enough to be seen in public, it doesn’t escape hal’s (and other fans’) notice that karkat is acting really different. karkat doesn’t go to see hal either. refuses to answer his calls! friend: He is scared that bro will piece it together but bro already did? yes! and also because bro made him promise not to and… karkat can’t suffer through that again can he? but… hal gets a letter with no sender and when he opens it, his stomach fucking drops, it’s a picture of karkat. (younger than he is now? and) asleep. he burns it but it’s seared into his mind forever. and hal knows without a doubt what happened to karkat and what’s happening to him now …holy shit. bro knows karkat’s lover is hal but hal doesn’t know that karkat’s lover is bro so… when hal goes to ask bro on who karkat is seeing and if he’s seen anyone suspicious around him, he doesn’t fucking know. hal asks who’s around karkat, who has access to his living quarters, says that someone has stalked and is still stalking karkat, had taken pictures of him sleeping and hal is so fucking angry and bro is just so calm hal turns to bro furious. why is he so calm about this?! why can’t he give him a good answer?! karkat is being hurt and he’s just gonna let that happen?! hal cuts himself off because he wants to stay calm. he’s staring at bro and then it happens fuck oh fuck it’s him isn’t it. the man standing before him. his fucking relative. he’s the one hurting karkat. hal wants to fucking scream. he knows where karkat lives, has access to where karkat lives, has been by karkat’s side this whole fucking time bro sees the lightning strike of realization hit hal and he knows then and there that hal can’t be allowed to live. bro does his best to beat the shit out of hal and even gets his hands around his neck to squeeze. if he can’t kill hal with his bare hands, he’ll kill him with his fucking tie hal fights back, he does his fucking best to fight back but bro is fueled by obsession and bottomless wrath and hal loses but he lives because someone gets there in time. karkat screams at bro to stop but that just makes him even more angrier but karkat keeps screaming at bro to stop. he is crying and pleading and begging, please stop, please and karkat… does manage to get bro to stop. bro stops, it’s hard to believe but he does. he can’t stand it when karkat cries, doesn’t want him to cry. maybe it’s a kernel of actual fondness in him bro stops and karkat keeps pleading and begging him to stop but karkat knows that that won’t end this so easily. so karkat promises. he promises that he won’t see hal again, promises to be good, promises to only be bro’s again now and forever, promises to love him and him only and… bro takes it. he doesn’t want hal to keep on living but he doesn’t want to refuse karkat’s promises so he takes it and lets go bro takes karkat arm, gently! gently this time. there’s no want for violence against karkat now or ever because bro knows then and there that karkat can’t be allowed to live. why didn’t think of this before? karkat could have died young and his forever. karkat could have died before this stupid worthless piece of shit kid got his dirty disgusting hands on him and fucked the sense out of his beautiful head. karkat could have died and bro would have kept him in his heart till the day he died. all beautiful and pure tucked away in a box does he mean in a box for vinyls or a coffin? who knows bro takes karkat back and isn’t he being gracious? after everything karkat had done against him, the disobedience and the whoring, doesn’t bro forgive him and take him back? bro takes karkat back and takes him back to the dollhouse. it’s where this whole relationship started so this is where it’ll end and for karkat, the place is fucking nauseating to be in. he remembers what it means and what happened here. he doesn’t look at the articles, the photos, the awards, the posters. he can’t fucking wait to leave this behind. it won’t happen but he can’t fucking wait for people to forget him hal runs after him. of course he does, he fucking has to. everything fucking hurts but he fucking has to. he knows that this won’t end well and he promised that worthless piece of shit relative jack fucking shit. hal finally goes to the dollhouse. and he is fucking disgusted by all of it. to think he was like this once upon time too… hal is fucking glad he grew out of it hal shoots bro. fuck, that’s such a simple way to say it but that’s what happens. hal shoots bro karkat is horrified and he bursts into tears. he drops into his knees beside bro and begs him to stay with him. there was only ever been bro so karkat doesn’t want to lose him. despite all the harm and the terror bro caused karkat, karkat still loves him so much. he had loved him before and he loves him now and what can he do with that love? he can’t just let that love go easily karkat clings to bro and hal has to drag him away from him. bro reaches for karkat and karkat reaches back but hal drags him away and karkat can’t understand why. why is doing this? why did he do this? why is he taking him away from bro? hal gets karkat out of the door while karkat is kicking and screaming. all he wants is to be with bro, even if he has to die with him all karkat wants that in sharp, agonizing moment is to be with the man he loves (years later, unknown how many years later it so just years later, karkat thanks hal for doing what he did. hal had saved him) hal burns down the dollhouse too. he brought gasoline and that disgusting house is going to fucking burn (karkat thanks hal for that too.) hal forces karkat into the passenger’s seat then gets into the driver’s seat and the car drives away from the burning house. they’re both staring at it till it disappears in the distance dirk walks around his apartment for a midnight snack and gets the fucking scar of his life when the front door’s doorknob starts rattling. hal yells that it’s him and to open the fucking door so dirk does. hal stumbles into dirk’s apartment, a missing idol sobbing uncontrollably in his arms and dirk wonders what the fuck just happened to them dirk doesn’t ask and he’s surprised when he hears the news report of bro being dead. a relative of his is dead. dirk was never close to him but it’s still pretty damn weird to hear that your older cousin is dead. house fire it says but dirk has a suspicion that someone killed him. dirk doesn’t ask. the missing idol asleep in his couch and hal is looking at him with desperation. yeah, dirk has a suspicion on what happened roxy and jane know what happened. of course they do. hal told them what he was gonna do and who provided the car, the liters of gasoline and the matchbook? who provided the pistol and the bullets to kill bro with? of course they know. and when karkat talks about what happened to him years later, jane, roxy and dirk are fucking glad that hal did it karkat doesn’t show himself in public in a long while and when he finally does, he announces that he’s retiring. it’s a media frenzy. an idol disappeared and when he comes back, he’s retiring?! the reporters ask him why and karkat answers that it’s because his mental health and they try to ask him more questions but karkat doesn’t answer any of them and there’s theories on why he did it and where he was going to go karkat does actually retire. but wherever he goes, fans and cameras are there but he’s not in that life anymore and maybe he can live his life another way. does karkat get together with hal? maybe, maybe not. either way, hal doesn’t mind because he understands that karkat needs to heal from this does karkat talk about what happened? yes, when he gets older. after he realizes what happened to him and got help to deal with all the shame and guilt that he felt. when karkat speaks up about it, he’ll make sure he’s heard

#brokat #halkat #arkat #my aus #idolatry

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astrologysvt · 5 years

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Woozi’s Ideal Type - Natal Chart Reading

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! For more posts like this, check out my masterlist as I’ll be doing an in-depth ideal type post for each member!

For ideal types, I’m not going to be doing specific placements of their ideal partner. Instead, I’m gonna be listing personality traits I think would mesh well with them, as well as focus on their needs and the kind of person who could meet them. Keep in mind these are almost “perfect” descriptions of their ideal types based off their natal charts. I promise you that there is no one in the world that 100% fits these descriptions and thats where communication and compromise come in and all that fun stuff.

(Woozi could definitely be a Sag Sun and who knows I may change my mind, but rn I think he’s a scorpio sun. This interpretation doesn’t change much based on his sun as both Scorpio and Sag suns are both independent and desire authentic experiences as romantic partners).

someone fun (fire influence).

someone creative, outgoing, and independent.

interests should be similar as he’d want to connect with someone over his passions, and would want to share in his excitement.

charming, intelligent, rational, communicative (libra venus)

ambitious, adventurous, open-minded, optimistic (sag mercury).

independent, independent, independent. I cannot say it enough. Literally every single part of his chart indicates that he needs SPACE and FREEDOM and would want that for his partner as well.

in my experience, even though scorpios don’t want to admit it, they LOVE validation and they love attention (not in the “asking for permission” type of validation, but they like to have their competence acknowledged).

and although an aries moon may not rely as much on validation as a scorpio sun may, they still love attention.

he’s going to want to be with someone who makes him feel good about himself.

he’s not immune to a great pep talk or a little bit of sincere flattery, and his s/o should be someone whose very generous in their communicating of this.

(even though he may say it makes him uncomfortable. he loves it and I promise he wants it acknowledged).

for that reason as well, he’s going to want to be with someone who encourages and challenges him and has a ready and waiting ear for his ideas, concerns, and random thoughts.

great sense of humor, super super funny (maybe a bit on the sarcastic side) thanks to his sag mercury.

his aries moon also makes him very playful making him crave a youthful and free relationship with his partner.

i’ve noticed aries placements love a kind of “kindred” silliness.

They like being with someone who will meet their ridiculousness halfway.

(also all fire placements love arguing with their significant other over dumb things. this is a fact).

his fiery placements would get very bored with someone who took themselves too seriously.

not to mention his sag influence makes him extremely optimistic so he’d feel bogged down my someone ultra realistic/practical/pessimistic.

he wants to get excited about life and his life with his s/o. they should be equally excited and hopeful for their future together.

they should offer him a very sincere and simple emotional connection as his aries moon and scorpio sun sextile uranus and pluto would want authenticity and would be very quick to suss out shallowness.

not to mention an aries moon can make him incredibly straight forward, while scorpio/sag placements give him a sense of him being a no-nonsense, straight forward guy.

he is fiercely independent thanks to his scorpio sun and aries moon, but his libra venus makes him crave romance.

once he’s set his eyes on someone, that’s all he’ll be thinking about.

like picking-petals-off-lowers, head-over-heels kind of love.

not to mention a scorpio sun would add a super strong tendency towards obsessive habits in love? maybe not in a creepy way like it sounds, but it’d seep into everything he did. the members would probs get annoyed cuz he’ll find a way to talk about his s/o whenever he can, all of his songs will be about them, etc. etc.

the libra venus really softens every other part of his chart that makes him seem indifferent.

it also explains why so many of his songs focus on love, but not just superficial love. like, the more nuanced parts of love and break ups. it goes to show how deeply he’s thought about it and how naturally romantic he is.

it’d also explain why he once said during a fansign that he wrote home because he was lonely (brb gotta cry) this is his libra venus being hyper aware of the space he’s saving for someone.

due to his afflicted moon he’s going to seem cold and distant in the relationship from the outside but he is ACTUALLY the fuzziest boy.

his afflicted aries moon and (unafflicted) libra venus would give him a clumsy, awkward, yet incredibly thoughtful and sincere way of expressing love.

maybe not the king of grand gestures, but his moments will be incredibly sincere and observant.

they’d be moments where his s/o would be surprised he noticed, or didn’t even realize he had been having such sweet and deep thoughts.

it’ll take his s/o by surprise because he keeps his feelings and thoughts close to his chest due to his secretive and private scorpio sun, but he will a-matter-of-factly state them when the moment arises thanks to his scorpio, aries, and sag placements that, again, make him a no-nonsense guy on all fronts.

His afflicted moon and well aspected saturn means that he struggles with emotional freedom and expression while also being incredibly disciplined.

he’d want someone with self-control and goals.

this is also heighten by his virgo mars which makes him both disciplined, a perfectionist, and pretty set in his ways (ya, I know virgo is a mutable sign but have you ever actually met a virgo. you try and get them to eat a piece of toast slightly too toasted for them and it shuts down their core processing).

not only that, but virgos like security.

they like predictability and have very specific preferences that will personally offend them if violated so his s/o should be both understanding and compatible with him on these fronts.

like it may be a deal-breaker if their lifestyles were too different once the initial romance tames and they have to learn to coexist.

this is further emphasized by the fact that virgo is the sign of health, lifestyle & wellbeing. they value this and can tend to be rather inflexible on this front.

his outer planets are all very well aspected to his personal planets, specifically uranus and saturn.

meaning that he’s not only independent, unique, and goal-oriented, but he’s going to want to see the same in his partner.

his trajectory is forward. he is a visionary in the sense of having a great deal of creativity and the work-ethic to see his visions through, and if his partner is someone too focused in the moment and far too preoccupied with getting him to settle down, their paths are simply incompatible.

it really just emphasizes how independent and individualistic he is as a person.

his libra venus definitely softens this and can certainly make him a hopeless romantic, but his core values would make it that he would never allow himself to be too dependent on his partner.

he wants to be his own person before he enters a relationship, and he’d be very adverse to dating someone whose life and goals centered too solely on romance/relationships.

his saturn aspects, afflicted moon, along with a virgo mars mean that he is someone who both struggles with, and desires a kind of “liberation” from time to time.

his s/o should be fun and free and help him forget about the aspects of himself that may be overly self-conscious in certain moments. teach him how to be reckless every now and again while also keeping him on track with his own goals. they shouldn’t be tooo wild, lmao.

Let’s not forget a saturn in aries which is gonna inhibit his ability to be open and expressive as a need for composure and control is incredibly strong, while simultaneously making him rather flighty with commitment and attention.

his need for action and ability to express and process negative feelings like anger are inhibited and go through an confusing filter of being hot-headed and impulsive, to overly critical and cautious which can lead to him appearing cold and short.

his partner should be patient and empathetic enough to help him through these situations, but also understand that him needing space doesn’t reflect his feelings towards his partner.

as passionate and good-humored he’d want his partner to be, a big turn off would be someone who is too expressive and too intense to the point of lacking tact. He’d need someone with self-control, but also someone persistent and committed in order to balance out the aries part of his aries saturn when it decides to act up as it can make him flighty from time to time.

this is heightened by his virgo mars, which can make him very set in his ways and pushing him out of his comfort zones when he’s clearly not interested in challenging those comfort zones is only going to freak him out or irritate him.

trying to breach these will put him on edge, and will more likely push him away than anything else.

not only that, but it’d probably freak him out as it would paint you as someone who wouldn’t know how to give him space.

(literally @ soonyoung).

sounds contradictory but it’s not much more complicated than just encouraging him by example, not by coercion.

in general, he’s looking for someone who can both balance him out and challenge him.

his s/o should be fun, independent, and goal-oriented.

someone charming with a flare for dramatics here and there, but ultimately someone poised he can be proud of who he can look on with with respect and admiration and who’d think the same of him.

someone communicative and ultra-creative, i can see him loving being able to pick up random interests with his s/o that they can discuss and collaborate on.

he greatly desires intellectual companionship paired with a great deal of independence: ideally, he’d want a relationship where their goals are similar and they can encourage, help, and be a place of healing and rejuvenation to one another while making each other laugh along the way.

#woozi #lee jihoon #svt #seventeen

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inyournightmares97 · 6 years

Text

My Youth (Chapter 8)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Angst, slow build, maybe some language. (Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.) Also, cutiepie Jaebum in this chapter is dedicated to @dearbeommie cause she’s the only one who mentioned him last chapter lmao.

Word Count: 6k+

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6)

“Hey! Did you fill out that career-option form?”

You glanced at your classmate and nodded. “Yeah. I filled it in but I forgot to get my Mom to sign it, so I guess I’ll turn it in tomorrow. Are you guys done with yours?”

The other girl sighed. “I don’t even know what to put down as my career aspirations. How are you sure about what you want to do?”

You smiled. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now. I just need to talk to the teacher about what universities I should apply to and what entrance exams I should prepare for.”

“Lucky. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You waved goodbye to her before bouncing over to Park Jinyoung’s desk. He had his head buried in a textbook and was scribbling rapidly; ever since the final year of high school had begun, Jinyoung was never seen without his nose in some study material.

“Let me guess. Going to stay back late and study in the library again?” you asked him.

Jinyoung barely looked at you. His head stayed buried in the book and you could barely see his face. “I’ve almost solved this one. Don’t interrupt me.”

You sighed. “Okay, I’m going home then. Bye!”

Jinyoung let out a dismissive grunt and you playfully smacked his head over his dark, messy hair. He flinched and glared at you but you quickly ran out of the classroom. Riling up Jinyoung when he was trying to focus never got old. You walked home happily before you suddenly remembered the career options form. You couldn’t forget to get it signed today. You took it out of your bag just as you entered the apartment.

“Mom!” you called out. She wasn’t working in the afternoon so you assumed she’d be home. You could hear her voice coming from the kitchen; she was on the phone. You fell silent to avoid interrupting the phone call.

“I know,” your mother was saying. She sounded agitated. “I’m just terrified of what she’ll say. What if she wants to study in Seoul? What if she wants to go to law school or study science? How am I going to afford to pay for all that? I’ve already taken out so many loans…”

You froze. This didn’t seem like a conversation your mother would want you to hear. You stepped back and quickly hid behind the doorway.

Your mother paused and then sighed. “I know… I know she’s a clever girl. But even if she gets a scholarship for her tuition, the living costs in Seoul itself are too much for me to bear. You know how long you and Mr. Park have been saving up for Jinyoung's studies…”

There was another brief pause as Mrs. Park responded. Your mother sounded even more upset. “I can’t tell her that! How could I look her in the eye and tell her that I don’t have the money to give her the same opportunity as all her classmates? How could I call myself her mother? I’ll do something. I’ll work more hours, I’ll find a way to get another loan…”

Your eyes widened. No. You couldn’t make your mother work more. You looked down at the career form in your hand. ‘I want to be a pediatrician!’ you had written foolishly. That meant years of medical school in Seoul, then years of residency at a large university hospital… how would you pay for all that? With your mother’s sweat and tears?

You crumpled the paper up and took a deep breath. Plastering a smile onto your face, you stepped into the kitchen.

“Mom! I’m home, what’s for dinner?” you asked cheerfully.

--------------------

“Drink more, Yugyeom-ssi. You don’t have to worry; I’m buying tonight!”

Yugyeom looked nervously at all the top-shelf liquor that Jaebum had ordered. Even the bartender was surprised; he had never sold so much expensive wine and whisky in this small town before. But Jaebum had ordered multiple bottles in the very first round.

Yugyeom glanced at you doubtfully as if to ask, is this okay, noona? You gave him a small nod and a reassuring smile. He shrugged and then reached for the whisky without hesitation. After he took his first shot and received a friendly slap on the back from Jaebum, he appeared to loosen up a little. Jaebum smiled at him.

“So, what’s it like being a cop? Must be an interesting job.”

Yugyeom flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, not so much. We don’t get a lot of crime around here aside from the occasional bar fight or neighbourly quarrels. That’s why I was really excited when I heard Jinyoung-hyung was back!” Yugyeom perked up and beamed at Jinyoung. “I requested specifically to be given this assignment! I told the Chief you might be more comfortable with me since we went to high school together.”

Jinyoung took a sip of his wine nonchalantly. “Huh.”

Jaebum grinned. “What was Jinyoung like back in high school? Was he as uptight as he is now?”

Yugyeom glanced at Jinyoung nervously. “Uh… I guess he was always really focused on his studies? Sometimes he was nice to me and sometimes he wasn’t, so I could never really figure out what he was thinking,” he admitted sheepishly. “But he was really cool. One time he helped me with my math homework!”

You glanced at Jinyoung and noticed that he looked a little disgruntled. He had put on one of the new sweaters you bought him before coming out to the pub. It wasn’t the boyfriend sweater, but it was still a rather nice light blue one that made him look handsome. You nudged him and he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Not having fun?” you joked.

Jinyoung forced a smile. “Oh no, I’m having a great time,” he muttered.

You glanced down at your phone when it buzzed. “Oh, speaking of high school, I got a few messages from Jackson. I told him where we are, so he’s on his way down here to join us. Is that okay?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “What? No! Why would you invite Jackson Wang down here?”

“Should I not have?”

Jinyoung closed his eyes in annoyance. The last thing he wanted was for Jackson Wang to come down here and run his big mouth. The man had a penchant for creating trouble wherever he went. But you seemed confused, and Jinyoung couldn’t think of a solid reason why Jackson Wang shouldn’t join their little drinking party.

“Tell him not to come, he’ll just start making a fuss. He could never handle his alcohol back when I knew him.”

“Too late, he’s almost here,” you replied simply. You turned to Jaebum in an attempt to change the subject of conversation. “Tell us more about this girlfriend you’re going to Europe with tomorrow. Have you been together long?”

A soft smile spread across Jaebum’s face and he looked a little flustered. Even the thought of his girlfriend seemed to make him happy. “Ah… yeah, she’s pretty awesome. She’s an accountant. I met her a couple of years ago. I guess I have Jinyoung to thank for that.”

Jinyoung coughed uncomfortably. “It’s not like I introduced her to you.”

“It was during the earlier years of the company. She’d come in for a job interview. I’m not sure what Jinyoung said to her, but she emerged from his office a sobbing mess. I ran into her in the lobby and told her how she’d dodged a bullet since Jinyoung was a shitty boss anyway,” Jaebum said with a cheeky grin.

You smiled. You’d never wondered what sort of a boss Jinyoung would be. Now that you thought about it, he had surely been a demanding perfectionist. “I assume that she didn’t get hired?”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Her resume was a shabby mess, you should have seen it. If you must know, she actually thanked me the next time we met. The constructive criticism I gave her helped her land a different job.”

Jaebum chuckled. “And the emotional trauma led her to me. Thanks for the assist, boss.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Actually, I’m thinking of proposing to her. I was wondering if I should be cheesy and do it in Paris,” Jaebum admitted with a shy smile. “She dropped a hint about having to make a move on if we wanted to have kids and I figure since I don’t even have a job right now, I have all the time in the world to plan a wedding.”

Yugyeom’s eyes widened. “Wow… proposing in Paris! That sounds so cool,” he said wistfully.

Jaebum leaned back coolly. “Have you thought about getting married, Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom blushed and bowed his head. “I don’t even have a girlfriend. I don’t think a lot of girls want to settle down with a small town cop. Girls usually want to go live in the city with guys that have a nice career. That’s why my ex dumped me…”

Jinyoung blinked. “That’s not true. Plenty of girls want to stay in small towns. Right?”

You were silent until you realized Jinyoung was looking at you for an answer. You shifted uncomfortably. Did he mean to say that you were a girl who had wanted to stay in your small town? You forced a smile and nodded awkwardly.

“Uh… yeah. Yeah, there are plenty of girls who don’t care for Seoul. I’ll introduce you to someone soon, Yugyeom. Don’t worry.”

Yugyeom smiled. “Thanks, noona.”

You turned to Jinyoung. “Why haven’t you gotten married yet? I’m sure there must have been plenty of girls who were dying to get their hands on an eligible bachelor like you. You must have had plenty of offers.”

He looked startled at your question. Before Jinyoung could compose himself, Jaebum responded.

“Jinyoung mostly dated casually. But he did get pretty close to an engagement once!”

You blinked in surprise. “Did he?”

“There was a really pretty chaebol heiress who set her sights on him two or three years ago. She took Jinyoung home to meet her parents and everything. Everybody thought it would be a good idea for a self-made guy like him to marry into a family of money,” Jaebum pointed out. “But Jinyoung dumped her before the engagement could be finalised.”

You felt your stomach flip. Had he really gotten that close? You had assumed that adult Jinyoung would be just as uninterested in women and relationships as teenage Jinyoung had been, but you realized now that had been foolish. He was nearly 30 and there was no way he hadn’t thought about marriage. Any rich family would be delighted to take Jinyoung in as a son-in-law. He had everything. Looks, manner, grace and until recently, even success.

“Why did you dump her?” you asked.

Jinyoung shifted uncomfortably. “I mean… it would have been a marriage of convenience and status. But I realized that her father expected me to dissolve my company and work for him. So I cut it off.”

“Oh,” you muttered, looking down at your hands. You weren’t sure why this made your stomach turn. So he would have married her if her father hadn’t gotten involved? “I guess this was one of those things you sacrificed for your company, then.”

Jinyoung looked at you sharply, his dark eyes piercing into yours. “No,” he said firmly. “This was something I sacrificed for my dignity. She expected me to comply with whatever he father wanted. I realized this family would eventually strip me of my independence.”

Jaebum scoffed. “Most men would have gladly given up a little independence to join a family like that.”

Jinyoung glared at him. “Then maybe you should have married her.”

“All right, relax.”

“Besides,” Jinyoung added with a frown. “I wasn’t sure if my parents would be able to deal with being in-laws to a family like that. Those chaebols lived in a lot of luxury and… well, they didn’t really respect people who didn’t. It would have been hard on my mother.”

Jaebum sighed. “I guess that part is true. Gotta keep your mother happy most of all, right? Mine even gave me the family ring to propose to my gifriend. Want to see?”

Yugyeom perked up. “I do! Is it expensive?”

“It’s really old, it’s been in my family for decades…”

Jaebum pulled out the engagement ring and Yugyeom began to fawn over it. You couldn’t bring yourself to pay attention. Your stomach was churning and you felt sick. What had you been expecting? That Jinyoung had been living a dull, bland life like you until now?

Ten years was a long time. Jinyoung had probably dated so many women, seen so many countries and experienced so many things. What was this town to him in his enormous world? A small dot that wasn’t even visible on a map? A distant memory that he thought of every now and then?

You looked at Jinyoung seated next to you. He was right there, soft hands gently wrapped around his wine glass as he looked at Jaebum’s ring with mild interest. His dark hair flopped into his face and his soft lips were stained with the cheap wine.

Jinyoung was right there. Less than a foot away from you.

So why did he suddenly seem so far away?

You were struck with the feeling that you’d missed out on so much. Like a child who has been left behind while all his friends go out to play, you felt alone and lost. You looked at Jinyoung and wondered exactly what else he’d done in the last ten years, exactly what had made him the person he was now.

You didn’t know any of that.

“Should we order more-”

“Hey guys! Sorry I’m late!” Jackson Wang boomed. He entered the pub noisily, just as he did almost everything else. He gave you a cheerful grin and turned to shake hands heartily with everyone at the table.

“Thanks for calling me over, Miss First Grade. And Officer Yugyeom! I haven’t seen you in a while, how are things down at the station? Don’t think that I haven’t noticed you’ve been avoiding me, Park Jinyoung. Oh... I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Jackson Wang.”

Jaebum shook hands with him, bemused. “So I’ve heard. I’m Jinyoung’s friend, Im Jaebum.”

“Why wasn’t I invited to this little gathering?” Jackson demanded as he poured himself a glass of whisky.

Jinyoung frowned. “Does it matter? You managed to turn up anyway.”

“Sorry if I go a little heavy on the liquor tonight,” Jackson apologized before he promptly downed the entire glass. “I haven’t been able to touch any alcohol lately. My wife is pregnant and the smell makes her nauseous so now I’m not allowed to drink any either. She went to bed early tonight, though, so she won’t know a thing.”

You slowly tugged the glass away from Jackson. He seemed a little too optimistic for his own good. “She’ll be furious if you stumble back home drunk in the middle of the night,” you pointed out. Jackson frowned and sighed.

“Okay, fine. What were you folks talking about before I arrived?” he demanded.

Yugyeom piped up. “Jaebum-ssi was just showing us his engagement ring!”

Jackson leaned over the table to get a good look. The ring was certainly beautiful; it had a rather antique charm to it. “Wow. That’s amazing. I wish I could have afforded something like that when I proposed to Aeri. We had to get married in the local church.”

You smiled at Jackson warmly. “Your wedding was beautiful.”

Jackson grinned. “Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” He turned to Jinyoung and elbowed him sharply. “I sent you an invite, you jerk. You never even responded. I would have asked you to be my Best Man if you’d been around. You’re the one who helped me and Aeri get together, after all.”

Jaebum raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Jinyoung helped you? Did he by any chance make your wife cry too?”

Jackson blinked. “What? No. He helped me confess my feelings to her over Christmas!”

You raised an eyebrow. You hadn’t heard this story before. Aeri had told you plenty of times that Jackson had asked her to be his girlfriend on the Christmas Eve after graduation, but you had no idea what Jinyoung had to do with that.

You glanced at Jinyoung. His face had turned pink. He reached over and grabbed Jackson’s sleeve.

“Jackson, maybe we don’t need to-”

“I was super nervous about confessing to Aeri. We’d been flirting around for a long time but I didn’t know if it was serious, you know? When Jinyoung came home from uni for Christmas, I really wanted to ask for his advice but it was hard to get him alone,” Jackson explained, ignoring Jinyoung’s panicked expression. “I finally told him about it during the Christmas Eve party at his house.”

Jaebum leaned forward eagerly. “Oh?”

Jinyoung took a deep breath. “Jackson, please don’t tell this story-”

Jackson ignored him and let out a delighted laugh. “Anyway, turns out this guy is working up the courage to confess to the girl he likes too! He coolly reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of mistletoe,” Jackson roared. “And he handed me half and told me to go for it! He said to just hold up the mistletoe over Aeri and ask her to kiss me because he was planning on doing it too!”

You stared at Jinyoung, shocked. What? Jinyoung, carrying around mistletoe? Jinyoung, confessing to someone he liked over that Christmas break? Why did all of this sound completely new to you? If Jinyoung had truly liked someone then wouldn’t he have told you about it before telling his loudmouth classmate Jackson Wang?

“But-”

Jackson wasn’t done. “Anyway, I was still nervous so I decided to wait around until he came back. Jinyoung had gotten rejected but he didn’t even tell me, he just gave me another pep talk until I finally went up to Aeri with the mistletoe. He even kept watch near the park to make sure nobody would run into us!”

“Rejected?” you demanded, looking at Jinyoung. He was avoiding your gaze. “Who rejected Jinyoung?”

Jackson blinked at you.

“What a stupid question. You did.”

There was a long, awkward silence. Jinyoung suddenly stood up, his chair scraping back loudly in the pub. He took a shuddering breath and then stormed off towards the bathrooms, leaving the rest of the group in silence. You stared after him numbly and then looked at Jackson.

“You mean…”

Jackson nodded. “Come on. Jinyoung was crazy about you back then. He said that going to uni made him realize how much he really cared about you and that he was going to make you his girlfriend no matter what. You didn’t know that?”

Your throat closed up.

“No,” you whispered. “No, I didn’t.”

------------------------------------------------------

“Sweetheart, are you sure you don’t want to give the college entrance exams another try next year? Maybe you could go to law school, or even study engineering...”

You glanced at your mother while you shifted the cookies into a large box for the party later that evening. She had been catching on to your well-kept secret; she knew that you weren’t happy at the local college. The faculty was poor and classes were dull and unchallenging. The only advantage the university offered was that it was cheap, and that you could afford to attend while living at home.

But your mother couldn’t know that.

Your mother couldn’t know that you were unhappy.

“That just sounds like such a pain, Mom,” you told her lightly. It was getting harder and harder to come to terms with the fact that all your friends had left to do fancy degrees in Seoul while you were still here. But you knew hearing that would break your mother’s heart. You couldn’t make her work for your education. It wasn’t worth it. “Why would I want to give the entrance exams again? I’ll just pass the teaching certification course and then I can get a job teaching. The elementary school here always has vacancies.”

Your mother sighed. “Of course it had vacancies, but is that what you want? We could always take out a loan if money is the problem-”

You frowned at her. “Did I tell you money is the problem?”

“No, but…”

“Then let’s not talk about this,” you replied. You smiled and showed her how you’d arranged the cookies in the shape of a little Christmas tree in the box. “Isn’t this pretty?”

Your mother smiled. “It’s lovely, dear.”

“I’m going to head over to the Parks’ with these,” you told her as you sealed the box. “Mrs. Park probably needs help setting up since the party is at their house, and I haven’t seen much of Jinyoung since he just came back. You’ll come later, right?”

She nodded. “Go ahead.”

You grabbed the cookie box and moved towards the front door. Your mother had been extremely persistent about convincing you to try and change to a college in Seoul, even though you both knew that you couldn't afford it. You had overheard her conversations with Mrs. Park and had even heard her asking Jinyoung if you were telling the truth about wanting to be an elementary school teacher.

You couldn’t even tell your best friend about your pipe dreams, in case he went and told your mother and upset her.

You took a deep breath and forced a smile. You could do this. It was okay. What was so bad about being a teacher? You’d get to interact with cute little kids and you wouldn’t have to work insane hours. It was probably for the best, right?

You sighed.

Oh, well. At least Jinyoung was back.

Maybe he’d have some interesting stories to tell about Seoul.

---------------------

When Jinyoung returned to the table, he looked a little more composed. He sat down and took a deep breath. Everyone stared at him. Your own heartbeat was thudding as you waited for an explanation. What was going on? Why did you and Jackson seem to have completely different ideas about what happened that Christmas Eve?

Jinyoung turned to blink at Jackson. “I, uh, I actually didn’t confess to her that night,” he admitted slowly and quietly. His words sounded strained and you hated that he wasn’t looking at you. Weren’t you the one who deserved an explanation? He sighed and kept his eyes on Jackson. “I lied. I chickened out and didn’t do it. I lied and told you I got rejected because I didn’t want you to chicken out too.”

Jackson stared at him. “Well, shit.”

“So you actually had feelings for me?” you blurted out.

Jinyoung glanced at you and turned his hands back down to his lap. His cheeks were pink and he was biting his wine-stained lips nervously. Then he looked up at you and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did,” he mumbled.

You struggled not to flush in embarrassment. How? How had you not known that your best friend had feelings for you? Had it been that night of the party? The night that Jinyoung suggested the two of you meet on the bridge? Your mind whirled as you tried to remember the events of that night. What had you discussed? How had you been so ignorant of his feelings?

Why didn’t he tell you the truth?

Why was your heartbeat thudding at the mere thought of Jinyoung asking you to be his girlfriend?

You cleared your throat and forced a smile. Jinyoung looked embarrassed. He evidently hadn’t wanted to talk about this and you could understand why. He had dated chaebol heiresses and beautiful models since high school. What kind of successful man would want to admit that he’d once had a crush on the girl next door?

His standards had been different then.

Jinyoung had been different then.

He was probably ashamed. You didn’t want to prolong his embarrassment even more. You simply reached out for your glass of wine and emptied it down your throat, before smiling around at the awkward expressions of everyone around you.

“Funny how things happen,” you mused lightly. “Does anyone want another drink?”

Yugyeom held out his glass and squeaked.

“Yes, please.”

----------------------------------------------

Jinyoung avoided your gaze for the rest of the night.

Jackson tried hard to liven up the mood again, albeit a little forcefully, and managed to get poor Yugyeom to divulge a few embarrassing stories about himself. The conversation flowed after that but Jinyoung sat silently and kept drinking. It was only when the pub began to close that you all trickled out onto the street. Jackson insisted on going home to his wife, leaving the rest of you to stumble back to the closest home: the Parks’.

After a brief whispered discussion it was agreed that Yugyeom would sleep on the couch. You would take the guest bedroom, and Jaebum would crash on the floor in Jinyoung’s room. You tiptoed up the stairs so as not to wake Mr. and Mrs. Park and then lied in the guest room.

You couldn’t sleep.

You should have slept like a baby after all that wine, but you kept thinking about Jinyoung. You kept thinking about how Jinyoung had wanted to confess to you. You kept thinking about the fact that at some point in time, he had wanted you to be his girlfriend.

You imagined Jinyoung holding a sprig of mistletoe above your head and leaning in to kiss you with his soft lips. You imagined hugging him in that warm sweater and cuddling into his chest. You imagined him whispering something sweetly into your ear and then kissing you until your lips were swollen. You imagined running your fingers through Jinyoung’s soft, dark hair.

Oh god.

You sat upright in bed and rubbed your eyes. You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t start picturing these things now. Jinyoung’s romantic interest in you had been a decade ago. He had dated so many women since then. He had even considered marrying one. Wasn’t this proof that his feelings were a small thing of the past? Just the passing crush of a hormonal, adolescent teenage boy whose best friend was a girl?

It was nothing. Why should it matter now?

It shouldn't. You wouldn’t let it.

You couldn’t.

You tried to sleep for almost an hour before you finally tiptoed downstairs. Yugyeom was mumbling under his breath and snoring intermittently on the couch so you snuck past him into the kitchen. The light was already on. Jinyoung was standing there in his slippers with a glass of water and he looked up at you, startled.

“Uh…”

Your heart skipped a beat at the sight of Jinyoung’s slightly dishevelled hair and his soft eyes. His cheeks were still flushed pink from all the drinking. He folded his arms across his chest and stared down at the floor to avoid your gaze.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” you asked him casually, trying to compose yourself. You reached for a glass from the shelf and slowly filled it with some water.

Jinyoung cleared his throat and nodded. “Uh, yeah. I forgot how badly Jaebum snores when he’s had too much to drink. Haven’t roomed with him since college,” he muttered.

“Are you going to keep avoiding me?”

Jinyoung looked startled. He swallowed and then shook his head quickly. His lips were pressed together. “I’m not avoiding you-”

“But you won’t even look at me.”

“I’m just…” Jinyoung sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. His shoulders slumped as he let out a dry chuckle. “I’m just embarrassed. Sorry.”

You nodded. “I’ll admit I was kind of caught off guard, but there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, we were teenagers back then. It wasn’t that serious. We had innocent crushes all the time, right? I even had a bit of a crush on Jackson when he joined the basketball team and got all buff,” you replied dismissively. Jinyoung merely stared at you. You couldn’t read the expression in his eyes.

“Right,” he said slowly. ”Except it wasn’t just a crush.”

You froze. “Huh?”

“I might as well tell you everything while the wine is still in my system,” Jinyoung replied with a frown. You were shocked when he stepped closer to you and looked you straight in the eyes. “I’ve liked you since high school. At first I kept quiet about it because it seemed so awkward and I didn’t think you’d take it well. I kept telling myself what you just said; that it was a passing crush because you were getting prettier day by day, and that it would fade in some time.”

“Oh,” you mumbled.

“But it didn’t. I tried dating other girls in college but nothing worked. Jaebum would take me out on group dates and I would just sit there feeling uncomfortable. I would sit there wishing I was with you. None of them could ever compete with you. If they were as smart as you, then they weren’t as kind-hearted. If they were as kind-hearted, then they weren’t as funny. If they were funny, then they weren’t as beautiful. It drove me crazy until I decided that I’d never find anyone like you. I made up my mind to confess my feelings to you over Christmas break. I wanted to make you mine.”

Your stomach exploded in butterflies. You had never imagined Jinyoung looking down at you like this, whispering these things to you in this dimly-lit kitchen. You swallowed and stared up at him nervously.

“What happened that Christmas Eve?” you whispered. “You’re not the type to chicken out.”

“I made a choice,” Jinyoung muttered.

“What choice?”

“I realized that I was being selfish. Even if you agreed to be my girlfriend, you didn’t want to go to Seoul,” Jinyoung muttered. “You wanted to stay here in this town. You wanted to get married and have kids and be a teacher and live a quiet life. You wanted to be with your mother. What was the point in asking you to be my girlfriend when our lives were headed in such different directions? I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I didn’t want to settle down in this small town. I was just starting to achieve bigger dreams.”

You felt weak. “Oh.”

Jinyoung took a deep, shuddering breath as he closed his eyes. “I didn’t want you to be a fling. I didn’t want you to be a long-distance relationship that fell apart eventually. I didn’t want to promise you forever and confess to you carelessly, while knowing there would be a time-limit for our relationship. What if things only got bitter between us? What if we began to resent each other for not compromising on our lifestyles? What if you had the chance to find a man who loved you and wanted the same life you wanted? I couldn’t be responsible for stopping you from finding him.”

You wrapped your arms around yourself quietly. “I see,” you whispered. “So you made a choice.”

Jinyoung nodded. “You know what I chose.”

“I do,” you replied. Your eyes filled with tears as you looked up at him. “You put your choice into effect pretty instantly, didn’t you, Jinyoung? That night was the last night you spoke to me for ten years.”

Jinyoung bit his lip. “It was too difficult for me-”

“It was pretty damn difficult for me, too.”

“I…” Jinyoung paused. His throat had closed up. “I’m sorry.”

You cleared your throat and wiped away your tears with the back of your sleeve quickly. You didn’t want Jinyoung to see you crying. You didn’t want him to know that you were mourning what you had lost; all those opportunities, all that time.

“Anyway,” you muttered quietly. “It was all in the past and you can’t possibly still have feelings for me after all these years, so it doesn’t matter-”

“Why do you think it’s not possible for me to still having feelings for you?”

You stared up at him with shocked wide eyes. “Do you?”

“You haven’t changed at all,” Jinyoung pointed out with a soft, wistful smile. “You’re still the same person.”

“But you’ve changed. A lot.”

Jinyoung looked at his feet and bit his lip nervously. His dark hair covered his eyes and when he looked up at you, it suddenly didn’t seem like he had changed. He was the same Park Jinyoung that you’d known all your life. Those were the same brown eyes and the same caring expression. Only now, he was making your heart leap.

“I guess I have changed a little,” Jinyoung admitted softly. “There are some things I would choose differently now, if I had the choice to choose again.”

“What does that mean?”

Jinyoung smiled wistfully.

“It means that if you ever see me carrying mistletoe around then this time, you don’t have to wonder who it’s for.”

----------------------------

“Jinyoung!” you greeted him happily as you watched him approaching. The Christmas Eve party was taking place at the Parks’ home but JInyoung had texted you to meet him by the bridge. His house was full of neighbours and you’d barely managed to get a word in with him all day. “Why did you want to meet out here?”

Jinyoung shrugged lightly. He was bundled up in his winter coat, hands stuck in his pockets. “Just because the house was so crowded and we couldn’t talk properly.”

You grinned. “Your Mother always has to throw a party on Christmas Eve.”

“And then she complains about how her back aches all of next day,” Jinyoung replied with a cheeky smile as he reached you. He turned towards the railing and looked down at the dark river flowing beneath the bridge. “I missed being here.”

You smiled. “You probably did. That’s why I never want to leave.”

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. “Never? Come on. Your Mom told me earlier that she’s trying really hard to convince you to switch to a college in Seoul. You might be a year behind everyone else but it’s still worth it, right? Seoul is amazing. I could show you the Han River and the trains are amazing-”

You felt something stir in your stomach. You wanted to see what Jinyoung was talking about. You wanted so badly to go with him and study medicine, to become a doctor and help save lives. But that wasn't an option for you. It was better not to think about it.

“I’m okay. I’ve never been as ambitious as you, Jinyoung. I think I’ll settle down here.”

Jinyoung blinked. “Here?”

“Yeah. I like it here. I can be close to my Mom. I’ll become a local elementary school in a few years, and I’ll marry a nice man who won’t mind my mother living with us and I’ll have lots of cute kids,” you replied brightly. You turned to look at JInyoung and saw that he wasn’t smiling. You nudged him slightly. “What are you going to do? Marry some rich heiress and inherit her fortune?”

Jinyoung looked offended. “Hey. I’ll make my own fortune.”

You giggled. “Just a suggestion.”

“But I mean, you really…” Jinyoung took a deep breath and bit his lip. “You really don’t want to do anything more with your life? You know you’re smart. You don’t have to rush to get married. If you just studied at a better college then you could get a job in Seoul and you could live a much better life-”

“This is my better life,” you replied firmly. You couldn’t let yourself be carried away by fancies. “I don’t want anything else. This is what I genuinely want.”

“Really?” he whispered.

You laughed at him. “Why are you trying so hard to change my mind? If you think getting a job in Seoul and going to a prestigious college is so great, then do it yourself! We don’t have to agree on something like that. Everyone is different, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung forced a smile. “I thought we were kind of similar.”

“Maybe not enough.”

Jinyoung shoved his hands in his pockets, fingers closing around the small sprig of mistletoe that was hidden deep inside. It suddenly seemed like a small and useless twig.

“Maybe not enough,” he echoed.

------------

#got7 #got7 scenarios #got7 scenario #got7 fanfiction #park jinyoung #got7 jinyoung #jinyoung scenario #jinyoung angst #jinyoung series #got7 series #got7 fanfic #got7 angst #got7 fluff #got7 romance #jinyoung my youth

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stimmy-chloe · 5 years

Text

In which I spend approximately one year (not really) musing about my experiences with autistic burnout, particularly the later parts of it that took place last year, and my thoughts involving it, because I’ve been thinking a lot about burnout lately.

(Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, and a few mentions of a home invasion. I’ve... been through some shit lmao)

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, honestly.

Like... where do I start? Do I begin by discussing the background of my environment and my mental health prior to the very beginning of my burnout? Do I launch into a comparison of my prior-to-burnout self with my current, (mostly) post-burnout self?

I guess I’ll start with this:

Autistic burnout sucks. Like, it seriously sucks. Everyone who enters it has different reasons for why they enter it. I think for me personally, mine was set off by a combination of accumulation of long-term stress and trauma. For the longest time, I thought it was for the most part set off by what happened back in 2016. But now... I think what happened back then was a huge part in setting it off, but I also think there was more to it.

Let’s dive into when I first noticed my burnout:

Ah, yes... Go figure, I first Actually Noticed the symptoms of it shortly after the home invasion. Eye contact became more difficult (whether that’s burnout-related or related to the fact that I made eye contact with the guy who broke in, I have no idea), speaking verbally suddenly became quite difficult, I began feeling the need to stim more... Obviously, the list goes on for sure, but those are the first three I can think of.

I remember not noticing them too much at first, as I was more focused on my anxiety and depression symptoms worsening and PTSD symptoms emerging (I guess, after all, panic attacks that rapidly increased in frequency; all the fun things I used to love, including my special interests, suddenly becoming very boring; and dissociation, and nightmares basically replaying what happened in some way, are more noticeable than the symptoms of burnout). Once I did notice them, though, it didn’t take me long at all to figure out what the problem was.

From what I can tell, using my fuzzy memories of 2016 (I dissociated through about 90% of 2016 after what happened and I feel like that is to blame for the year being pretty fuzzy), it seems my burnout didn’t really? Leave too many after-effects or affect me that much once it appeared to pass around the end of 2016. I mean sure, I did begin going nonverbal* occasionally whenever I was stressed or overloaded, I had shutdowns whenever I got too overwhelmed, my sensory issues were more noticeable, I was more easily exhausted during social interaction... Just some shit that sucked to have to deal with, but was otherwise bearable.

(*For the longest time, I believed that I didn’t have any nonverbal episodes at all until the home invasion happened, but I recently had a memory from when I was little resurface and I’m... pretty sure I went nonverbal at some point during it. Just want to mention that before we go on, especially since I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it on my blog before, me not having any nonverbal episodes until after what happened. Why do I want to mention that in this post specifically? I don’t know; I just do)

Whether my burnout actually went away or simply eased up to the point of not having many noticeable symptoms, I’m not a hundred percent certain. I do know that a smallish part of 2017 was nice, but otherwise? I felt unsatisfied with who I was constantly, I still felt stressed and tired a lot of the time, and of course, go-fucking-figure, I had a depressive episode slam into me sometime during the fall that ended up carrying into the next year.

(Also, honestly? To put it simply, a lot of 2017 was just full of me feeling like I was on the verge of a huge-ass meltdown. When I think of the concept that I was perhaps still in burnout or at least on the verge of returning to it, this feeling and my experiences in 2017 make a lot of sense, which is basically why I bring up the year in the first place)

It wouldn’t be until February 2018 that I would finally get relief. It was brief at first, but once I got my ex out of my life, I found relief from depression for good. For most of February, everything was quite calm for the first time in a while.

I still remember the date it all began... March 1st, 2018. The day everything just... I don’t know. Collapsed, I guess.

That very day, I went nonverbal after visiting friendo. Though I thought it was strange (after all, I wasn’t shutting down or feeling stressed or overwhelmed), I for the most part was worried that perhaps I was having another depressive episode on the way, something I had--according to a Tumblr post I made--been worrying about for a while.

The next day, I didn’t think too much about it. It was strange, but hey, it was an isolated incident. I shouldn’t have one happen again for a while, right?

Wrong.

I went nonverbal 3 days later during a voice-call with friendo. And again the day after while out on a field-trip with him. And if I recall correctly, the day after that. Before I knew it, I was going nonverbal nearly daily.

That wasn’t all, either.

My sensory issues suddenly worsened. I began self-harming more often (and my long-time habit of hitting myself made a return) and--for a while--daily. Speaking became very difficult and particularly exhausting, even if I wasn’t about to go nonverbal. At the peak, even dressing myself and using the toilet was very difficult to do (and sometimes, those still can be difficult for me to do-- without help, at least. Shame and a feeling of “not bad/valid enough to need help” has kept me from asking for any kind of help in these areas)

The thing is, that ain’t even everything. It was all... honestly a huge-ass mess. I know part of it appeared to be triggered by my anxiety worsening to the point where I was worrying literally nonstop, getting hit by random anxiety out of nowhere frequently, and could barely leave the house or speak to next-to literally any human-being without entering a severe panic, self-harming, barely avoiding a meltdown, or having a shutdown. The rest of it was triggered by... everything else that went on beforehand, I guess.

I wasn’t too sure how to feel about all of this. I remember feeling distressed by a good bit of this. I guess that must’ve been because I was used to seeming “normal” and knowing that I didn’t seem that way anymore just... brought me distress, I guess. Seeing other people distressed by this didn’t help either.

My family and I quickly took action to help this. I got on my anxiety medication not too long after all of this started happening and very quickly, my nonverbal episodes took a significant decrease, I became able to socialize with others without panicking again, and I began feeling less tired. Things became easier, and I felt better. Right around this time, I also started occupational therapy and that also helped a lot. Things seemed to go back to normal quickly-- the normal I was used to, anyways.

And then suddenly, I began having the urge to use echolalia more often and to speak in shorter sentences. Sometimes, I just wanted to speak in one or two single words!

I had mixed feelings about this. One side of me was cool with this, the other side was just like “ummm”. My feelings flip-flopped a lot. One minute, I’d be caving into my urges and letting myself speak in short sentences or echo a TV show character. The next minute, I’d be feeling embarrassed and stopping myself from doing this.

Not too long before this began (the urge to use echolaliac speech more often), I had an evaluation to see if I needed speech therapy alongside the occupational therapy I was already having. After the evaluation, I learned that I did not need speech therapy (though that’s not to imply that there weren’t noted issues). In fact, according to the speech therapist who evaluated me, I had the speech and language skills of a 21-year-old! Talk about a shocker! Initially, I felt quite prideful about this. Right around this time, though, I... suddenly started feeling like I couldn’t use echolalia or shorter sentences, because it “didn’t fit the skills” I had then. I suppose the fact that I’ve been a tad bit of a perfectionist for a couple of years now didn’t help any.

So... After a while, I began fighting back the urges to use echolalia (how much I tried to resist it: I stopped myself almost completely from even doing casual quoting from cartoons-- and I used to do that a lot!), as well as the urges to use shorter sentences and single words. This wasn’t a good thing to put it simply. Quite quickly, stress began building up. But it would be a while before I’d see the consequences of such a build-up.

***

I still remember when my allistic-passing act completely collapsed. My verbal speech went with it. And--for the most part--so did my ability to pass as allistic.

I don’t know why I felt such a powerful need to pass. Speak “properly”, speak no matter the cost (no matter how exhausting it is, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it almost hurts), don’t use echolalia, don’t use AAC unless you’ve gone nonverbal (even if speaking is getting too hard to be worth continuing speaking), don’t stim so openly... The list certainly goes on, but those are just what I remember the most.

I’ve heard about how “”high-functioning”” I was multiple times in the past, starting when I was... about 10, I believe. It didn’t really bother me when I first started hearing it. Fast-forward to 6 years later, to this time period, and now it was a source of annoyance and general stress. Now at this point, I knew how functioning labels were actually quite problematic-- but despite me not agreeing with them, those specific words made me feel some sort of pressure to pass, even though I had thought for quite a while already that functioning labels were bullshit and that I therefore didn’t have to listen whenever someone described me as being “”high-functioning””. Hell, even if I didn’t hear it recently, those words clung to me like some kind of glue for some reason, adding to the pressure. And right around this time, the pressure kind of... hmm, started really getting to me at this point.

(Personal comments before I go on: Functioning labels are complete and utter bullshit and this whole thing is exactly why I can’t stand them, “high-functioning” especially. Oh, and if any of y’all reading this happen to call someone you know “high-functioning” or even just slap the “high-functioning” label on people from time-to-time, maybe consider stopping? No, seriously. Stop)

If you asked me if I knew it was coming last year, I would have told you no, that this just came out of nowhere. But now? When I remember back to the weeks before my act died, I can tell now that by the way I was feeling, it was certainly coming and I had signs in advance. I just... didn’t notice them, or just plain ignored them without realizing it, if the latter is possible to do.

In the weeks leading up to it, things were getting very hard for me. I felt so horrible a lot of the time. Talking was beginning to become particularly difficult and was beginning to feel very bad. If I used echolalia (whenever I could bring myself to), it felt a little bit less bad, but... I always felt so guilty and embarrassed about using it, no matter where I was or who I was with or even if I was alone. It sure didn’t help any that the little voice in my head told me that I couldn’t use it, that I had to speak “normally” and “perfectly”.

I remember one day, around 3 weeks before my act collapsed, I was quite stressed and rushed to my room to hide from everyone so I could attempt to fight back tears. The second I sat down at my desk, go figure, I immediately began crying (and hitting myself, but that’s not the point). I remember at some point, shortly after I began crying, I thought about how much I just wanted to communicate the way I wanted to, how I just wanted to mostly echo people and things I heard, use shorter sentences, and type or sign what I wanted to say if I was having one of the many moments where speaking was just too difficult.

But no one wanted that, the voice in my head always seemed to like telling me. Mom will freak out thinking that you’re “regressing” again, everyone prefers “proper”, verbal speech, you need to talk “~perfectly~”, how you feel doesn’t matter one bit (for a long time, starting when I was about 10 or 11, I was hearing that sentence in my head constantly. I still hear it sometimes). I remember upon thinking about all this, tears began seriously streaming down my face. And I sat and wept for quite a while about that very thing.

If I could go back in time to this moment and decide that I didn’t care what other people thought and that I would communicate how I wanted to, I would do it in a heartbeat. But alas, I’m so used to always putting other people before myself (I’ve caused myself considerable detriment doing this), that I immediately pushed the idea away and continued passing.

I pushed hard. I pushed as hard as I could. Then I pushed even harder. I pushed so fucking hard, much harder than I should’ve. Keep passing, don’t drop the mask, don’t you fucking repeat that, you better keep talking, don’t make that sound, you don’t matter at all, pass, pass, pass...

And finally...

I collapsed.

While on vacation out of state, I went nonverbal two times. The first time, it was just an average episode. Stayed around for most of the day and ended when I woke up the next day.

The second one was... different, though. It first started in the middle of the afternoon and was stress-induced like usual, yeah, but that’s not what was different about it. I remember worrying that the episode would continue into the next day (I constantly worried about this when I was going nonverbal almost daily), but for once, I actually felt confident that I would wake up verbal again.

But I didn’t.

I remember that morning well. I was so confused and so was my family.

If there’s one strange thing I remember about this time period, it’s that I--for the most part--felt okay about dropping my passing mask if I was nonverbal. And I managed to drop it for the vacation. The feeling of relief was amazing. I actually felt good for the vast majority of the vacation. From what I remember, even seeing some people stare at me didn’t bother me for once.

I was nonverbal for 4 days in case anyone is wondering. The nonverbal episode ended the day after my family and I went back home. And my mask went right back on (though from what I recall, it seems that I felt much more relaxed than usual and therefore, didn’t really focus as much on passing as I usually did at the time).

...

But I sure wasn’t verbal again for long.

My memory of this time is very hazy for some reason and as a result, I didn’t quite remember the actual date until recently and even though I remember it now, the time period around it is, like I just said, very hazy.

Three days. I was verbal again for three days. Literally three. Three.

July 25th, 2018. That’s the date that it happened, the day that my verbal ability went back down the toilet-- for good this time.

I remember the evening I lost my ability to speak verbally well. Funnily enough, I remember that evening, I was singing to myself as I walked Russ around the front yard and right after I finished singing, I suddenly... thought about the concept that I could drop my mask-- and I could begin doing so by letting myself verbal/vocal stim more often in private. For once, I felt no resistance or fear regarding this concept. Instead, I felt relief and like I was actually allowed to do so. And I decided that I would begin to let myself verbal/vocal stim in private “more often”.

If only I had known what would follow around 20 minutes after this...

I heard a car door slam outside and I knew that my dad was home. For some reason I still haven’t gotten entirely figured out, I got that specific feeling in my throat-- the one I tended to get right before I went nonverbal.

I, of course, denied the hell out of it and kept talking as long as I possibly could. But of course, I had gone nonverbal very quickly, within 10 minutes of the feeling in my throat appearing. I remember going to bed a few hours later and worrying that I would wake up nonverbal again. I remember telling myself that I would probably wake up verbal again (I had less confidence than last time).

And what would ya know? I woke up the next day, still nonverbal. I was initially slightly horrified to put it simply. Honestly, though? A lot of my distress was caused by seeing my family distressed by me still being nonverbal, not the fact that I was nonverbal itself.

My memory of this time period may be hazy, but I do remember one major thing about this: My mask died.

I began stimming a lot, more than I ever did. I started having meltdowns again, intense ones that happened quite frequently. I made less eye contact. The two routines I had at the time, I needed-- and I craved more, and I could hardly stand unpredictably or a lack of routine. Around this time period, I almost always spent my free time indulging in my special interests; stimming; and lining up and sorting stuff. When I got on a certain medication for my ADHD that made my anxiety flare up... oh goodness, all of this just intensified.

I remember being confused and a little bit frightened by all of this, but at the same time, I also felt a sense of... relief. And also, an intense sense of happiness.

It would take 4, nearly 5, months before I would begin getting verbal speech back. I still haven’t gotten back to how I used to be, speech-wise and for the most part, otherwise as well.

***

Have you ever had someone tell you they were sorry about something and your response was genuinely “why tho”? Because that’s how I felt (and still feel) whenever someone apologized for my “suffering”.

When it all started, part two in July last year, I had people praying. Okay, that is fine, depending on what is being prayed for, I guess.

But here’s the thing... a lot of people seemed to feel sorry for me specifically during this time. And here’s the thing I’ve been wondering: What about all the other times I’ve struggled?

My anxiety’s been very bad, as we can see from this post. I’ve fought depression that’s been very, very bad. I’ve been suicidal as a result of the depression and I suppose the anxiety played a role in it too-- and at the peak of my depression, I came pretty damn close to acting on the suicidal thoughts (I even have one memory where I was genuinely about to try to fucking act on them). Hell, I was suicidal before my depression developed-- or at least before it seemed to develop when I was about 10.

I was bullied when I still went to public school and the school stopped trying to do anything about it after a while. I was made fun of by other kids at the last church I went to (I say ‘made fun of’ because I don’t know if bullying quite fits. Otherwise, I’d say I’ve been bullied at church too). The children’s pastor at the church did nothing about it except for telling my mom and I to pray for the main kid responsible for making fun of me because she had a rough life at home (she said she would talk to the kid about it, but honestly, I don’t think she did). Both of these had significant impacts on me-- and in a way, I suppose they still do.

I’ve been through two traumatic events: Losing my home and narrowly avoiding death during the April 27th, 2011 super outbreak, and being involved in a home invasion in February 2016. I have PTSD from the home invasion and despite being a lot better than I initially was, I still feel the effects of it from time-to-time.

What about all these other times, I wonder? My opinion is that if you really want to feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my younger self. Feel sorry for 11-year-old me, who was struggling with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts and was legitimately her own worst enemy. Feel sorry for 12-year-old me, who hardly had any friends, felt lonely on a regular basis, and of course, continued to struggle to cope with anxiety, the feeling of being “broken”, and the occasional suicidal thoughts. Feel sorry for 14-year-old me, who struggled to process her trauma and once again, was feeling the effects of multiple mental illnesses.

I know of people “sending thoughts and prayers” to my family and I after the home invasion (though some of these very people didn’t actually make a fucking effort to help us from what I can tell), but otherwise? I’ve heard almost next-to nothing about all the other shit I’ve been through. That pisses me off.

I imagine this would vary for different people, but honestly? For me, being hardly able to speak, having semi-regular meltdowns, and being pretty much unable to pass for non-autistic is a lot better than feeling the effects of depression, anxiety and PTSD combined. I’ll take all of this over suffering from the effects of my mental illnesses-- and believe me, they can be bad.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m actually happy about my life, about who I am. I’ve spent a good portion of my life hating myself, thinking that I was broken, worthless, that everyone would be better off if I was dead.

I’m so angry about the fact that I suffered like that for so long-- but no one else seems to be.

So tell me, who do you want to feel sorry for more: My current self, who can’t really pass as allistic, but actually loves herself-- or my younger self, who thought that she was broken and unlovable because of her autism and hated herself as a result?

***

Sometimes, when I think about this whole thing, I find it kind of funny, because 2 years ago, I had wondered about whether or not something like this, this kind of burnout that equalized me “going back to how I used to be”, would ever happen-- and I was terrified of it. And now, here I am 2 years later, “back to how I used to be”-- and also in some ways, in a way that I wasn’t like ever in my life.

When this all started, I had a wide range of feelings, negative and positive. From what I can tell, most of the negative emotions were from seeing other peoples’ reactions and observing their feelings. A lot of people--especially the adults in my life--seemed frightened and concerned when this all began. And for a while, I felt the exact same way. Fast-forward to present time and I’m... completely okay with all of this. Whether or not anyone in my life is okay with this now, I don’t know, but I think most people are (now).

I’m pretty sure (at least) most people who have been around before my burnout still love me for who I am, but... I still feel afraid sometimes, especially when I think of one aspect: The fact that I don’t see myself getting back to where I used to be, especially speech-wise. I’m okay with this now, but I don’t know who all in my life is. For all I know, the number of people okay with this could be zero. When we consider the fact that I want/prefer to communicate mostly via echolalia and AAC, I get very afraid of that sometimes, of losing peoples’ love and support, in this particular case, because of how I choose to communicate. It may seem small, but it’s a very real fear to me that I’ve struggled with a lot.

That fear is literally what caused me to push myself too hard and lose my ability to speak verbally in the first place and if that doesn’t say anything, I don’t know what does.

I imagine it’s probably worth noting that last year, right before my mask died, I was feeling a certain way, like my depression was right on the verge of relapsing, but the more my mask disappeared, the farther away the feeling got until it completely faded away. The feeling was around for a good bit of 2018, but it’s... gone now. So the only thing I can figure is that passing contributed to my depression and me losing my mask was likely the only thing that kept me from having what could’ve been a serious relapse of my depression.

Overall, I think my biggest challenge with this whole thing wasn’t my burnout itself, but my burnout leading me to confront what seemed to be a good bit of internalized ableism and the feeling that I would be unlovable if I was obviously autistic. Those feelings haven’t been easy to overcome at all, and I still haven’t managed to completely overcome them. I hope I can someday, but with how long I’ve dealt with these feelings, I imagine it’s going to take a long time to completely unlearn them, if I ever can.

Sometimes, I still feel like I’m unlovable and a burden because of my autism. Because I’m mostly nonverbal (and that the majority of the mouth words I do have are echolaliac), because of my stimming that can be quite visible (and loud!), because of my meltdowns that happen both in private and public settings and often involve self-injury, because of how easily overwhelmed I can be.

Most of the time now, I can push those feelings away and tell myself that my autism doesn’t make me unlovable (if anything, I imagine it makes me more lovable) or a burden. But some days are still hard and I believe the lies my brain will sometimes tell me, for a few hours or if I’m unlucky, for up to a few days.

When we consider the fact that I still feel somewhat ashamed and self-conscious of various aspects of myself (using echolalia, to name one big example that I still struggle with feeling shame over), that sure doesn’t help any. As time goes on, I feel less shame and insecurity, but it still remains in place in some way. I hope that someday, I will be able to completely overcome these feelings for good. And when I do, I swear I will be the happiest person alive.

My burnout was pretty hard to deal with. But the years of intense self-hatred I held inside me that was brought up by it was even harder to deal with.

***

At this point in my life, I just... I can’t bring myself to care anymore about other peoples’ expectations about how I act, about who I am. I’ve spent at least 5 years of my life worrying about what other people thought of me. It’s been exhausting. I remember thinking that people wanted me to act more allistic and I tried my best to fulfill that to my detriment. I imagine there is indeed some people in my life who expect me to act allistic.

Fuck that shit. I’ll exist however I want to.

I’ll move however I want, I’ll stim if I want to. I’ll talk-- no, scratch that. I’ll communicate however I want/need to, whether it’s through the AAC app on my iPad, ASL, gestures, vocalizations or echolalia. And I’ll use the mouth words that I have whenever I want to. And I’ll get back whatever mouth words I want, to use in whatever way I want to, no matter how “weird” they are, in usage or in some other way.

If I’m not hurting anyone or myself, then why get rid of it? (Read: Unless me flapping my hands, squealing and otherwise making noises, or using the symbols on my AAC will cause you to literally catch on fire or otherwise cause some kind of legitimate harm to you, me, or the people around us, then why the fuck would we have to get rid of it? FYI, “Because it’s inappropriate/not normal” isn’t a valid reason)

I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of passing. I’m tired of feeling like I’m trapped inside some imaginary person. And that’s why I’m no longer making an effort to pass-- and I plan on never passing again if at all possible. As of right now, my current plan is to only purposely pass if it means my life will be in legitimate danger if I don’t pass, which I don’t see such a situation happening ever. Therefore, I think it is safe to say that I’m never passing again. At all. Ever.

I may still struggle with feeling bad about myself sometimes, but I’m getting better about it and about 90% of the time, I feel pretty damn great about myself! I’m the only version of myself and if you think about it, that’s pretty rad.

My future has become quite uncertain following everything that happened last year. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle college. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have another relationship, specifically one that goes beyond dating. I don’t know how much driving I’ll be capable of. I don’t know how many mouth words I’ll get back. But I do know for sure that my future doesn’t seem to involve living completely by myself or being 100% verbal again. And I’m trying my best to be okay with all of this.

Right now, I’m just focusing on taking care of myself in the ways I’m able and loving and accepting myself for who I am now.

#Chloe rambles #Self-harm tw #Suicide tw #Ask to tag #Damn this is a book. Might want to have an hour or two of free time if you read this #No seriously. I would not recommend reading this if you're busy. I talk A LOT in this :')#I'm pretty scared to post this because I'm afraid that it's going to make some people I know mad #But honestly? Fuck it. If people get mad then people get mad #Not my problem if people get mad about how I choose to live my life!!

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nikatyler · 5 years

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When I finished my exam today, I was really excited and full of energy but now all of that is gone and I’m starting to see how stressful this day has actually been. I’m so incredibly tired! I went to bed at 11 pm yesterday, fell asleep quite quickly, woke up again at midnight. I slept until 4 am and then I kept waking up and falling asleep in what I believe were really short intervals. I don’t know which of these nightmare scenarios I had were actual nightmares and which ones I came up with thanks to overthinking. It was some crazy shit - one of them, probably the craziest one, I actually shared on twitter yesterday. For a little bit, I was worried that I would wake up without the ability to read or write. And even though I know that’s impossible, I was so worried and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Thing is, my anxious perfectionist brain always jumps to “either you do well on this or you die” mindset. Which then leads to me being stressed out days before and doing crazy things because of that. Just to name a few: I unfollowed a lot of blogs because following so many was driving me insane. I muted a bunch of people on twitter and called it self care even though it was probably just petty. Last but not least, I’m generally more mean and insensitive than I usually am these days and I hate that but also, I just can’t help it. (hey please if I was mean to you, don’t give up on me, it’ll get better again I swear) So yeah, fun times. Can’t wait for it to be finally June so all of this is over.

To quote my favourite musical: hold your breath and count the days, we’re graduating soon, college will be paradise if I’m not dead by June.

Onto those replies now.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “So…I was just casually setting up another scene, posing the sims and...”

This is DESTINY of this generation - trying to die (hard)

Just wait for when I focus on Regan. That girl is...going in her parents’ footsteps. I swear it’s not my fault. Seriously. I would never want for any of my important legacy sims to die.

Okay well, I might have planned to kill off Tyler at one point like year and a half ago but we don’t talk about that. Ever. Not since that dumb “one year with Rose triplets” thing. Don’t worry about it.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Unfortunately, it didn’t help. Again, sims logic. Don’t question it....”

NO MIRACLE NO

Miracles shouldn't die!

How dare you!

When I said "don't return to aliens" I didn't mean "die instead"

pxelblobs replied to your photoset “Unfortunately, it didn’t help. Again, sims logic. Don’t question it....”

Noooo Miracle!

I knew that sims could burn to death if the weather is too hot and everything, but it has never happened to me and I certainly didn’t expect it to happen now. I was freaking out. That was not how I wanted her story to end.

Then I went to twitter and asked people what they want me to do, but before the poll ended, I actually decided that nope, I can’t do this, she has to stay alive. By the way, if I remember correctly, people voted for leaving her dead. Sooo...yeah.

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “WAIT HOLD UP IS MIRACLE LIKE DEAD DEAD”

I guess I wasn't paying too much attention until this ask BUT MIRACLE'S DEAD WTF

Lmao I can see this happening to me. In fact, it has definitely happened to me before - just casually scrolling down my dash, not paying attention to anything (which is why I never go to my dash anymore) at all and then suddenly I realize - wait a minute, when did that sim die?! What did I miss?

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Yeah well, Adam, maybe you could’ve done something when you still had...”

Will Smith voice: It's rewind time

I laughed so hard at this because I literally made the same joke a few posts later. Great minds think alike! *let’s pretend I’m a great mind ok, at least for a few seconds*

treason-and-plot replied to your post “WAIT HOLD UP IS MIRACLE LIKE DEAD DEAD”

This game is so cruel

Yup.

It couldn’t have happened to like...I don’t know. Esme during the uni storyline. Or Fred during James’s storyline. Guys, do you remember Fred the mustache guy? Good old times.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Adam: “Hmmm, I wonder what I should do?”

I just thought... IT'S A BEACH THERE IS PLENTY OF WATER AROUND

I KNOW

THAT’S WHAT BOTHERED ME THE MOST IT LITERALLY DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

*slow clap for sims logic*

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “At least she gets a nice gravestone…I guess. Aaand the dog is useless...”

simlovinggirl replied to your photoset “At least she gets a nice gravestone…I guess. Aaand the dog is useless...”

I can't believe she died this way! :'(

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Miracle baby oh my god I’m so sorry I didn’t want this to happen I’m...”

:( :( :(

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Miracle baby oh my god I’m so sorry I didn’t want this to happen I’m...”

�� poor miracle

The only thing I really enjoyed about this is that these posts fell on the weekend before April 1st. I know this isn’t something to be laughed at...but the timing was so perfect. If I had planned this, it wouldn’t have worked.

Then again, let’s be real, I wouldn’t have planned this. This is just cruel.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Worry not, Adam. The Grim Reaper might be cruel but I’m the one who’s...”

Whew I'm glad she's still alive

simlovinggirl replied to your photoset “Worry not, Adam. The Grim Reaper might be cruel but I’m the one who’s...”

PHEW!!!!!

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Worry not, Adam. The Grim Reaper might be cruel but I’m the one who’s...”

Yay!

I’ve never been more excited to quit without saving

whysimstho replied to your photoset “Lydia: “Sorry I’m late! I didn’t mean to, I promise. Siblings got in...”

"Oh yeah and my mom died in an alternate reality but it's cool, it's cool."

I mean, she’s definitely heard about all the crazy shit that has happened to her family over the years, so maybe it doesn’t seem as a big deal to her anymore.

It’s been a while since I last said Roses are a mess but they really are a huge mess lmao

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “cloudberry-sims: ???: Sorry but you can’t read that book yet! Stone:...”

Zillah will most likely appear after I finish Strangerville!

Yay! You don’t have to rush though, as long as she appears one day, it’s cool. It’s just a little sad when I spend a lot of time working on a sim and then the person who requested them never uses them.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “This girl is no longer on fiyah, fiyaaaaah”

Next time you try to die don't do it, okay?

Oh trust me I’ll keep an eye on her from now on

It’s what Caleb would have wanted

wait did I just make myself cry thinking about this

dreamsongsims replied to your photoset “I’m still not sure why she’s doing martial arts. Like yeah, I wanted...”

That moment when you just can't remember what your plans were for your sim! I have that a lot. LOL

I guess I do kinda remember the purpose for the story, the problem is...I don’t actually understand why I did it that way?

create-a-sim replied to your photo “someday i’ll be famous and you’ll have to admit you were wrong.”

Wow, this looks super cool!

Thank you! I really enjoyed working on this. It’s just one of the many outcomes of my “Tyler gets famous” headcanons, which by the way are one of my favourite things to think about these days.

onemoreordinarysimblr replied to your photo “Am I late to the party?”

Very cute!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photo “I had to do another one.”

This is a nice looking room!!

berrysweetboutique replied to your photo “I had to do another one.”

They're too fun and this is way cute ♥

Thank you guys! I really enjoy the idea of this. I’m definitely not done with this trend yet! ♥

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognize...”

Oh it sucks that that person isn't around anymore(( losing friends is always hard

Btw, the edit is really cute!

Yeah...I was going through my old posts yesterday, saw some asks and got sad about this again. I miss talking daily to a person who was so much like me in so many ways. I don’t want to go into details but yeah...never thought I could miss a person I’ve never actually met and here I am.

desira-sims replied to your post “�� ?”

I feel ya on the bands. My music tastes seems to go from one extreme to the next.

It’s so hard to limit yourself to just one genre! I don’t understand how some people can do this. Well, I don’t actually believe such people exist...everyone has their “guilty pleasure” and no one will change my mind.

desira-sims replied to your post “I associate you with Ross and Caleb :D (i really need to catch up on...”

This is 100% me.

It’s clear, if a sim wants to be the mascot of my blog, they have to be a bisexual disaster.

I mean, when I look at myself, that makes sense. I myself am one big bisexual disaster.

mellowaliens replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

Good luck hon!

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

Good luck! ❤️ You can do it!

desira-sims replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

Good luck!!! Sending positive vibes your way.

whysimstho replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

Good Luck!

audrey-rosewadsworth replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

GOOD LUCK

audrey-rosewadsworth replied to your post “Tomorrow, I’m taking my first graduation exam. It’s a writing one, so...”

I BELIEVE IN YOUUUU

poisonfireleafs replied to your post “Hey hi hello guess who survived the exam? It went better than I...”

Good luck tomorrow :)

*hugs* Thank you so much guys. ♥

desira-sims replied to your post “Good morning guys, I'm still freaking out about the exam. I'm taking...”

Just take deep breath and don’t stress too much. You’ll do great on the exam. Congrats on your milestone!

I started feeling so much better when I left home. I went out and I was like okay, I can’t do much about this anymore, can I? And then I met up with my friend at the bus stop and we just talked and suddenly I wasn’t scared anymore because I realized we’re all in this together - the two of us, the rest of our class and all the other 80 000 (or something) students in our country who were taking the exam as well.

My biggest problem was that the exam started at 12.30 and ended at like 2.30 pm. If it had been in the morning, I wouldn’t have had so much time to worry about it. Thank the lord that’s the case with the English exam tomorrow, it starts at 8 am which is an okay school time for me - on a normal day, classes start at 7.50.

Also, thank you! ♥

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Hey hi hello guess who survived the exam? It went better than I...”

Yay, congrats!

desira-sims replied to your post “Hey hi hello guess who survived the exam? It went better than I...”

Woot woot!

mellowaliens replied to your post “Hey hi hello guess who survived the exam? It went better than I...”

Good luck and congrats!

Now I’ll have to wait for the results...that’s gonna be fuuuuuun.

By the way, people are already making memes based on the topics and I enjoy that. People who didn’t take the exam can’t understand, but it’s really funny, I swear.

simlovinggirl replied to your photoset

awwwwww! ♥ ♥ ♥

They’re definitely among the cutest couples I have in my game right now! ♥

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Courtney: “Uhh…” Regan: “Wait. You…you guys? You’re like…” Felix: “Not...”

Well I kinda shipped themXD

I must admit that I didn’t at first, but then I noticed it could work. Whenever Regan said something bad about Felix, Courtney defended him, and so I thought...what if they went to uni together? Could they fall in love? Turns out they could :D

#replies #tiny-tany-thaanos #pxelblobs #harmoniouspixels #alfalfalegacy #treason-and-plot #whysimstho #dreamsongsims #create-a-sim #onemoreordinarysimblr #berrysweetboutique #desira-sims #mellowaliens #audrey-rosewadsworth #poisonfireleafs #simlovinggirl

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kazmorosov · 6 years

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|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough?

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

#rockportintro #sorry this is also . . . lame

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pctteralbvs-blog · 6 years

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❝ But before I go, remember one thing, promise me one thing: be brave when you’re afraid. ❞ Albus Potter, Alfie Enoch ( Adopted ), Sixteen, Incoming Sixth Year, Slytherin, Cis-male, Halfblood, He/him

I. [DEATH TW] Albus was adopted by Ginny and Harry when he was only one. His birth parents, a young half-blood couple from London, were murdered in their home one night when Albus was just a baby; the result of a past relationship gone wrong. Whether Albus was left alive because he was merely a child or because the murderer didn’t realise he was asleep upstairs is a question that remains unanswered, but when the Auror team arrived in the early morning hours, led by Harry Potter, his cries from the upstairs’ nursery was the only sound in the otherwise silent house. The scene was one that hit a bit too close to home for Harry, and after discovering that Albus had no other living relatives that could take him in and that he’d likely be sent to an orphanage, the idea of adopting him took root in his heart.

At the time, Ginny was already pregnant with Lily, but they decided fairly quickly that adopting him was something they truly wanted to do, and they began to foster Albus soon thereafter, with the adoption officially going through after Lily was born. Once it became official, he was named Albus Remus Potter, after two of the men that had impacted Harry’s life. Although a part of Albus was naturally curious about his birth parents as he grew up --- what were they like, how would his life look like now if they were still alive, would he have been an only child --- he never once wished to change the way his life turned out, and considers being adopted by the Potters to have been the best thing to have ever happened to him [END DEATH TW].

With both his older brother and several of his extended family members being adopted too, Albus never struggled with the thought of not being related to his family members by blood, but has always and will always consider himself to be a true part of the family. It was hard to believe anything but, when his relatives were living proof that there was much more to family than a simple biological connection. Although Albus is a bit too cynical to fully believe in concepts such as fate or destiny ( and likely wouldn’t admit it out loud, for fear of sounding too cheesy ), that is still how he considers his life with the Potters: it’s simply where he was always meant to be.

Albus is very grateful for the family he has and his childhood growing up, surrounded by love and laughter. Although the attention from the media could be exhausting to deal with, the support and love he’s always received from from his family far outweighs it. There’s nothing more he enjoys than spending time with his family, and the often playful, witty, and sarcastic conversations that take place between them as a result. He’s always willing to be there for his siblings when they need him, and he’s very close to both his parents, but especially Harry who he often turns to for support when he’s struggling with something. He’s especially grateful to have been adopted into such an extensive family, as he loves all his cousins, aunts, and uncles more than anything, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.

II. Albus has always been a very ambitious, resourceful, hard-working, and somewhat self-preserving person --- some of the main reasons why he was sorted into Slytherin. Settling on his career goal as Minister for Magic at such an early age and determined to work hard from an early age in order to achieve it, it came as little surprise that he was sorted into Slytherin house to his family and friends, and he’s never lost the drive or motivation to achieve it, always prioritising his studies ( and using any opportunity he can to make a classic Al PowerPoint ). Despite being one of the more studious and responsible people in his family --- certainly one of the less troublemaking kids, always trying to keep them from getting into too much trouble themselves --- he likes to consider himself as a bit of fun too, having inherited his parents’ sarcasm and wit, always here to tease those around him. He’s charismatic and friendly, always ready to give those around him a helpful hand should they need it ( but likely with a classic Potter Eye-roll at the ready too, should it be something foolish ). At his very core, though, is a good heart, guiding his ambitions and choices in life. His desire to become Minister has little to do with a desire for power, and everything to do with wanting to help those around him. He’s cynical, worry-prone, hypocritical, and easily worries for hours over things he really shouldn’t --- noticing the imperfections in the world more readily than the things that are good and hopeful and motivating. While he can certainly be a bit more bitter and negative than some of his relatives, though, he doesn’t let those qualities in him allow him to lose hope or rule him: instead it motivates him to want to do better, to change the world like his parents and older relatives, to make a positive difference with his life. Albus considers his family members some of the best people he’s ever met, admiring their kindness and bravery, and tries to learn from them and let that motivate him to do good in life, too. Although as he’s grown older he’s struggled less with the thought of living up to their family’s legacy, he still just wants to make them proud, more so out of the love and admiration of his family than from pressure he puts on himself.

III. Although many kids latch onto lofty dreams like becoming an astronaut or an Auror or a musician while they are young before changing their minds and considering other, equally sensational options, once Albus declared that he was going to become the Minister for Magic when he grew up, his decision seemed to be firmly made. An observant child, Albus grew up with a lot of interest in learning more about how the world he lived in worked, taking a particular interest in the politics of the Wizarding World, and especially the areas in which it was lacking. Somewhat cynical, it was easy for him to identify the problems of the Wizarding World ( such as the prevailing prejudice against werewolves despite efforts taken to improve their status ), even while acknowledging how far the Wizarding World has come since his parents were young. A lot of the Wizarding World’s improvements since his parents’ youth can be said to be thanks to Kingsley Shacklebolt’s work as Minister, and from a young age Al has thus held a deep rooted respect and admiration for the man. Although he has his fair share of idols ( such as his long standing celebrity crush on Gonçalo Flores ), Albus considers Kingsley to be one of his biggest role models, and hopes to one day be able to live up to him. Despite his ambitious plans for the future, Albus more than anyone is aware of how much he needs to learn and how much maturing he needs to do before he is anywhere near prepared to be Minister, but it’s a long road he is willing to take and work he’s motivated to put in, starting already in Hogwarts with keeping up good grades and obtaining a summer internship at the Ministry. Although Albus would describe his motivation to become Minister one day as coming from his cynical and somewhat perfectionistic nature, it’s really just comes from his desire to make the world a little bit better than when he entered it. Albus has a good heart and a good head on his shoulders, and he wants to use that to make a real difference to help those around him.

Is your character involved in any summer programs? Do you wish for your character to be a Prefect, Head Student, or a member of the Quidditch team?: I’d love it if Albus could be a Prefect & the Keeper on the Slytherin Quidditch team, as well as part of the summer internship in the Offices for the Minister for Magic.

Prefect: I think Albus would be a good choice for Prefect since he’s a hard-working, responsible, and social student. He has put a lot of work into his grades since year one, always making sure to give each assignment his all so he can finish each year with top grades, and he’s always enjoyed taking on a lot of responsibility. He’s probably volunteered a lot in class when the professors needed additional help from students, and he’s grown quite familiar with trying to keep some of his more troublemaking relatives in check so they don’t get into too much trouble with the professors. I imagine him being fairly well-liked by his peers since he’s an all around friendly and social person, so I could see the professors considering him to be a suitable choice for Prefect since he’d work hard to live up to the role and maintain the school rules, and there’s a good chance his peers might actually listen to and respect him as a Prefect ( well, at least he hopes lmao ).

Keeper: Albus has been an active Quidditch player since he was a kid, growing up playing games with both his immediate and extended family. I imagine him joining the Slytherin team in his second year, and that he has been a Keeper for them since then. However, if someone has already applied for the position and seems to be a more suitable choice, I could see him as a Seeker or Chaser as well. Keeper is my preferred position for him ( mostly because he wants to make the lamest jokes about being a ‘keeper’ even though he runs from romance smh ) but I’m happy with him being on the team in any extent tbh!!

Internship: When Albus read about the internship being offered working with one of his role models, he immediately became nearly obsessed with getting a spot for the internship. Holding such deep respect and admiration for Kingsley, the opportunity to work in his offices for the summer was an opportunity he didn’t dare pass up; doing everything he could to reach it. Especially since his goal is to one day be Minister himself, it would be the perfect internship for him. Albus is a very hard-working, resourceful, and ambitious student ( part of the reason why he was sorted into Slytherin in the first place ), and has worked hard enough in his classes that he has top grades in all of his subjects. That in addition to his ( possible ) responsibilities as Prefect, his future ambitions, and the extensive work he put into his application would make him a suitable choice for the internship in the offices for the Minister for Magic.

#holocene intro #about.#did i just copy paste my whole rambly mess of an app bc i was too lazy to track down an intro? sure did!#we stan a tol ambitious sarcastic nerd who thinks he's a bad boy when he's the complete opposite

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