#(ok. I wasn't going to post anything new because of familial situations. but this was pretty much already finished and i need Distractions)

[hellfireconfessions]

Hey there, is Guri here. You may know me from years or unfortunately for all the drama before HF shutdown. All this situation is getting a lot put of hand for me, and I wanted to reach out here in order to explain what happened on my side ( if anything is worder incorrectly, please let me know, English is not my first language.)

Ok, so... About the doc. Some people may have read it already, and may not know what it means because the wording wasn't the better but I'll give some context. It was a story from a villain character POV on their abussive relationship with other character, both of the characters are from my creation. "Did the doc contained grooming?" No, both characters are adults. The villain character met the other character once when it was small and then didn't met each other after the other one was adult. "Did the doc had sexual content?" No, the "love bites" were a trait I gave to my characters subspecies, but since the character in question was a villain, the bites used to happen a lot more than usual. "Did the doc had zoophilia?" no, both characters are animals. "Did the doc had non-con/rape?" No, all the doc is basically the villain saying that they love biting the second character and that they love the taste of the blood. "What does the [ But she had a body I can't recall her to have] then?" the original concept of the character was a normal bipedal Utahraptor with some feathers, later was revamped to a quadrupedal more "cat-like" creature. That line meant that the character used to remember the other as s feathered normal Utahraptor, and now that they are adults, seeing her as a completely new creature with different features is weird. "What does [ swollen womb] means?" pregnancy, thought it would be another way to say it. The doc had a trigger warning on the very top and was censored entirely, to ensure the safety of sensitive readers. But many people ignored it.

I haven't groomed anyone, I'm not a pedophile, I'm not a zoophile. My characters does not define me, I'm sorry if anyone has felt uncomfortable with the doc. I truly thought that putting a warning and censoring it would be fine. The server in which was posted was a +17 server, which a few 16 years old members. No one has reached to me about the docs until noodles did on a report ticket, I got a final warning and got my pack rep removed and accepted the punishment. But aside from that, I haven't done anything. I would like to ask for the harassment and lies about me to stop, saying that im a pedophile, zoophile, that i promote incest, rape and other horrible things is not true, even I heard that some people were saying that they had proof of me grooming people and that there was a supposed victim. Of course, when you asked for the evidence, none was provided aside from the doc.

I been banned from server which I haven't played on, all for a doc that staff decided it was not banneable. Getting into my personal space and insulting my family is also not ok, while I won't blame the entire dentem et pluma pack even if the comments they made about me were horrible and I had never talked about them that way, one thing is insulting me as a player, other different is including my husband as Snail did. I make this announcement as an attempt for people to also see my side of things, that I am sorry for how everything took place and that even if horrible things were said towards me, I mean no ill intentions towards my aggressors that as long you didn't insulted my family. Guys, this is a dinosaur game, it's totally ok to not be friends with everyone but what is not ok is harassing, insulting and getting in the personal life of someone over a dino game. Stop the doxxing too, stop judging the private lives of members. If anyone would like to talk about what happened and have a fresh start/make amends. My DMs are always open.

normally i wouldnt approve but i dont know the exact details of what happened so ill let yall go at it

[abybweisse]

Is there anything to hold back undertaker from using more than one corpse in a bizarre doll's creation?

Because i saw the debates for this new chapter and the possibility of kelvin being the currently unknown BD, and while i think he kind of could be, i don't think he is phisically capable of being a useful servant.also he seemed kind of on the shorter side.but if i'm not misremembering, the guy that deliverd the news to RCiel was sort of tall?so i thought maybe he is a chimera of kelvin and joker.or joker's body with kelvins cinematic records?but i personally think Layla/Al was shown for that purpose and covers the mental aspects of a corpse running on two peoples cinematic records(if thats the actual deal with her of course, and it wasn't a mental condition she had always had)so the remaining servant covers the body horror aspect and physical limitations...but honestly could be both, a phiycall and mental combination

Bizarre doll experiments

Ok, so there are a lot of things to go over here. I'm going to number them.

1. Can Undertaker use more than one corpse in a bizarre doll? I suppose he probably can, if, say... the main body was missing limbs, organs, etc that could be harvested from another corpse. This could even go as far as what Angela Blanc does in s1 to Vincent and Rachel. But only if the body parts don't reject each other. Since Yana-san is sticking to the idea of blood groups (ignoring Rh factor), compatibility matters in the Kuroverse. If Polaris were Joker, for example, he could have arms and hands from another body. However, I believe that Polaris is not Joker.

2. There are readers who think Kelvin might be a bizarre doll. There are so many reasons why this would make no sense. Not only does his body type not match any of the lords of the stars, but neither does his personality/cinematic records -- ok, actually I'm gonna backtrack on that part a bit later in this post. The goals that make up the "episodes" for these bizarre dolls don't match anything that Baron Kelvin would care about... except perhaps one.... Though he doesn't see himself as a butler or other servant, so he definitely wouldn't say the things that Polaris says.

3. What if Polaris is a combo of Kelvin and Joker? Makes even less sense than Kelvin being a Bizarre Doll by himself. Joker would need arms/hands, but they definitely don't look like Kelvin's, either. And neither one of them speaks like Polaris or self-refers as a butler like Polaris does. Also, what about loyalty to real Ciel and about not wanting to lose his master again? That's why I think Polaris is someone who was already loyal to the Phantomhive family, like a former butler.

4. What is Layla/Al's situation? There seem to be two major possibilities here, and I'm not sure which one I ascribe to... or should ascribe to. I do think Layla might be Baron Heathfield's dead daughter, which would explain how Undertaker got hold of this particular body when he did and why he decided to make an advanced bizarre doll from her; Heathfield might have paid for it in some way, like it was part of their original agreement when Heathfield's manor became a blood collection facility.

But Al? Either Al was already there before Layla died... or Al was added in an experiment by Undertaker. Since I think this is two parts to a mind -- two personalities -- and not a matter of mind and soul or two souls, I lean towards the idea she already had a split personality. I don't think Layla/Al currently has a soul. I think the reason the Collie kids are boys dressed as girls is specifically to match their "aptitude" to a person who dresses as a girl but has a split personality that's half girlish and half masculine. In ch204, the staff ladies even talk about matching not just their bodies to the stars but also their souls. They seem to be trying to make Oliver and the other Collies act as if they have split personalities; maybe this could potentially cause a rift in one of their souls... making that one the best candidate for Layla/Al. This sounds a bit cracky, I know, but it's the best-fitting scenario I can think of at the moment.

Even crackier: We don't know Baron Kelvin's first name, do we? I sure hope it's not Al. He'd enjoy having part of his mind (some episodes, perhaps) in the body of a pretty "doll" like Layla, wouldn't he? I mean, it's kind of what he wanted to begin with:

So, if Layla/Al turns out to be a mind experiment... and if Kelvin is in any way incorporated into a lord of the stars, then this could be how.... 🤯 I can definitely imagine him making wounded veterans oink and squeal like pigs. I can also imagine him wanting to be beautiful... but not really caring which bow Layla wears in her hair; like, such decisions might get tiresome for him, ya know? The biggest aspect in favor of Al being part of Baron Kelvin's mind? Undertaker would likely get a kick out of fulfilling Kelvin's wishes in such a freakish manner.

However, there are things about Al's behavior that don't quite match what we know of Kelvin's personality. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I hope we get a break-away chapter or scene showing Othello in his lab and examining Layla/Al's brain. That might be the best way to get answers on her situation, since it seems unlikely our earl is ever going to meet her and get an explanation about her from Undertaker.

5. If we have one star lord with split or combined mentality, do we also get one that's a physical split/combination? Not necessarily, though it's definitely been touched on by what Angela does not just to Vincent and Rachel's bodies but also to Victoria and Albert's bodies in s1.

I originally started answering parts of this ask before ch203 and ch204, but it sat in draft so long that now I can add this: We don't need to combine bodies of our earl's former adversaries (like Joker or Kelvin) when we can combine the star lords with body parts from orphans. Honestly, if/when our earl finds this out, he'll be way more disgusted by Undertaker using innocent children as parts (like the circus doc essentially did) than if Joker and/or Kelvin got recycled into some monstrosity. Either way, he'd see fit to have all the star lords destroyed, but there's more emotional damage to him for destroying bodies that are partly made of innocent children. I don't think he'd feel quite as bad having some Kelvin/Joker abomination stomped or ripped apart.

So... now I say: Yes, there is a physical combination in the works for the star lords, and it might have already begun. Probably for each of them, to some extent. Not with Joker or Kelvin (or Madam Red, etc.) but with these kids from the orphanage.

We still don't know what F. O. L. stands for. Could be as basic as "Full of Life". I still think it might be as simple as "For Our Lords".

[fight-the-corn]

Avengers x soulmate reader chapter eight

AN: I'm sorry I've been gone for so long! I'm finally back! I'm hoping to post a couple updates soon, but idk how motivated I'll be! Merry Christmas everyone!

Tw:abuse!

You had been living with the Avengers for almost a week, wearing Natasha's clothes. Tony had told you in private that there was no reason for you to go back to your house, and it had been tempting to try. Unfortunately, you had some keepsakes that were very important to you and you had to go back and get them, or you would never rest easy. Little things like photos with your old friends that you could never forget were worth the world to you.

Today was the day you decided to go. Tony insisted on coming with you, because what kind of a soulmate would be be if he let his little soulmate into a place that would traumatize her with one wrong move alone? He had agreed not to take any of the other Avengers, just telling them you and he were going out.

Arriving at your house, you took a deep breath.

"Tony is here. I am safe. He won't let me get hurt.". You repeated to yourself over and over, convincing yourself it was true as you walked up to the front door. You raised your hand to knock, took a deep breath, glanced back at Tony who have you a reassuring smile from the bottom of the steps, then knocked there times.

You heard footsteps, before the door was thrown open.

"Finally decided you were good enough for this family huh? Get in here.". Your father grabbed your wrist and roughly dragged you into the room. Within 3 seconds, he was pinned on the wall with Tony's hand on his throat.

" You don't get to touch her like that. You show her the respect that she deserves. Clear? " Tony wasn't planning on taking any shit from your dad.

"And who might you be?" Your father growled. " has the little whore finally gotten someone to hire her? She's an annoying little slut, don't you think? "

"I'd say nice to meet you, but that would be as far from the truth as possible. My name is Tony Stark, and I am her soulmate. She is not a 'little whore' or a 'slut' and I would advise you against referring to her as such in the future. We will grab her things, then be out of your hair for the rest of your lives, so let her get her things without a problem and I won't hurt you.

"But why do you want her? Have you seen her?" Your mom asked. "I mean, you're Tony Stark, you can get any hot model or woman in general! Why would you want this girl, with flab and frizzy hair? "

Instead of responding to her, Tony turned to you. "Go grab whatever you want princess, i'll chat with your parents."

You nodded, and within ten minutes you had your bag packed and ready to go, leave this life forever. You were holding back tears, anxious that your parents had finally made him see that you weren't worth it.

However, when you walked in the room, you were surprised to see Tony standing with his arms crossed and your parents looking... Guilty?

You looked at him and nodded that you were ready to go and he silently guided you out. You made it to the car and got situated while he started driving before asking him.

"Hey Tony?"

" yeah princess? "

"What did you and my parents talk about?"

" I just told them the truth. You are a wonderful girl who is very loved in her new home, and they had no right to treat you how they did. I told them that they had wasted all the years they had had with you and it's possible that they would never see you again. I told them that you had finally found a place where you were valued and I hope that they regret their past actions. "

You didn't know how to respond. Your eyes started to fill with tears of happiness and love, feeling like the most special girl in the world to have lucked out with these soulmates.

Tony pulled you out of your thoughts. "Was that ok? Did I cross a line? I'm sorry princess."

You shook your head. "I love you Tony ." you said. " thank you. "

"Of course baby. Anything for you.". He kissed your head , and the rest of the drive home was quiet.

[thenamesmobu]

Wait i think i haven't been keeping up with lore what happened when and why did devin recover what did i miss

HAHAH yeah, I haven't been spilling much lore in Tumblr, but more in Discord. But for this, I'll be catching you guys up to those who missed out on what exactly happened. So, 👏

Lore time✨️

Prologue: New employee

This part gives much context to the next part of the lore. You're free to skip this, but I suggest that you read it before moving on to part one

A while ago, someone new clipped into Devin's Parable. He was a new "employee" with the label 457 on his dress shirt. He looked young, scared, confused. And that young man goes by the name of Agus Dewantara, he was only 18 when he began "working" for the Parable.

Their first interaction and reaction to one another didn't go so well at the start. Devin nearly obliterating the poor young man and William was trying to calm both them down from the confusion and panic. Agus' first impression of himself wasn't great, because upon having a floating orange hand being pointed at him, he ran towards the nearest broom closet and stayed there for a few days, without any intentions without any intentions of coming out. When demanded to come out, he shouted questions on where he is, how did he get here, why is he here, how can he return home, etc.

These were questions that neither Devin nor William could give him an answer to. After nearly a week, Agus finally came out. Albeit forcefully. He was faced with having to accept his new home, inspite of retaining the memories of his family that he knows he had, his refusal for accepting his new situation, and his sole goal to find a way back home. During this era, he was grumpy, angsty, cold, and rude to pretty much anyone. He would often get into arguments with Devin about almost anything, he would also always deviate from the set story that was made by him. William was the only person he was slightly calm around because of how he's always so patient with him and never raised his voice around him.

Almost what felt like a year had passed. Agus, still refusing to accept his new fate, stumbled upon TK (which, if you know my version of Timekeeper, you already know that he's always up to no good) and they struck a deal with together, with the promise from Agus to set her free and TK making a false promise of taking him back home to the real world. And so, their deal was made. At first, it really seemed like TK was doing their part of the deal, but oh how wrong Agus was. He was immediately attacked and threatened by TK, and she called him a fool for trusting her. Alarms began to blare arounf the Parable, and it wasn't long before Devin and William showed up.

They engaged into one of their harsh battles, which ultimately TK lost on and was sealed once again. The Parable looked like a shipwreck from the fight that occured. Devin lost an arm, but he's used to it, his body would slowly regenerate it after a few hours with William patching things up for the both of them. Agus apologized profusely to the two and explained that he didn't know who TK was and that their intentions were actually horrible. He was forgiven and he was made to help Devin and William to restore the Parable back to how it was. Agus gave his respects to the two adult figures in his situation and began to look up to them.

Part 1: Mentor and Apprentice

Ok so it turns out I wanna make this part in a separate post because for spacial reasons djshjd but don't worry, I'll be linking the next part of the lore in the reblogs if anyone would like to read it. Untill next time, stay tuned✨️

[martysgachaworld]

[Just a rambling, nothing else. Part 1]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️ MENTION OF: DR!GS, 0VERD0S3, S3XU4L HARASSMENT, S3XU4L 4BUS3, +18 THINGS. If sensitive DNI!!!

Other warning: this post is really long AND contains spoilers for the series

...ok, so. Just gonna do a rambling about a character. Probably the best one I've ever got the chance to know and see in action.

Angel Dust from the series "Hazbin Hotel".

Let's start from who he is.

This is Angel Dust, a pornstar in Hell. When he was alive, he was in an Italian mafious family. He died in 1947 due to an overdose of PCP, or how people call it, Angel Dust, the drug where he took his star name, his real name is Anthony.

As I said- he basically works as a s3x w0rker for Valentino, one of the Vees, three overlords that control different medias. Vox controls Tv medias, Velvette controls social medias, and Valentino sadly...controls the p0rn industry.

Who's Valentino?

It's this guy, that for facility I'll call Val. Oh, don't be fooled by this silly face he does here which I chose bc I didn't have better screenshots because he's an abuser and a manipulative person. Idk how, but he manipulated Angel into signing a soul contract.

Which means that Valentino literally owns Angel.

Angel's life is full of Valentino's abusive behavior, treating worse than shit and like if he was only an object for his own pleasure. Not only. He makes Angel do really, really, REALLY rough shootings for his "films", basically making people use him roughly over and over and over. I can also guess that Valentino is also bipolar, from the voicemail scene in episode 2, "Radio Killed the Video Star": one message is sweet, the next one is threatening, one is sweet, one is threatening, sweet, threatening.

Sweet, threatening.

Every day in Angel's life is full of Valentino's abuses: mental, emotional, physical...and also s3xual, making Angel's afterlife...a REAL Hell. For forget everything, he uses drugs to destroy himself...but not just for that.

Luckily he has his friends at the Hazbin Hotel, who want to help him a lot...especially him,

Husk

Who's Husk?

He's this guy here, the hotel's bartender, an ex-overlord who's soul is owned by Alastor. At first him and Angel are mostly frenemies, Angel annoys Husk and he gets mad...but in episode 4, everything changes. Hearing and listening to Angel opening up, he changes and softens up, offering himself to help Angel and to listen to him.

Now that I summarized the whole situation in the series, I can talk about the feelings and the scenes that hit me the most of this character.

Episode 2: Radio Killed the Video Star

"Oh!- uh- nothing- my boss, Val, he's freaked out about the news too"

Charlie saw the message from Val that arrived on Angel's phone. Angel said that lie for hide the abuse he suffers everyday from Charlie.

"You actually think you can change? Addict trash like you doesn't change...I'll see you soon, baby"

Angel just lets himself surrender at Val's abusive behavior and Val's smoke that gets out of the phone, giving up and letting himself go in the smoke, surrendering at the abuse.

Episode 4: Masquerade

This scene was taken from a movies of his, he wasn't pretending here. He was seriously scared and panicking, he putted his mask on when that other guy appeared in the scene.

"Val...I didn't know anything"

The way he immediately started to explain everything before he gets hit by Valentino just talks itself

"When I say you better get that fucking CUNT...OUT OF MY STUDIO...you say?"

The look in his eyes when Val touched his cheek is just screaming "Help me, I'm scared"

"Now, you're gonna go get rid of her, and then you're filming all night! Get me?!"

This is a mix of feelings: fear, despair...but also rage and hate.

"...yes, Val"

The fear in his eyes and his voice...poor baby...

This was a part one for this analysis of Angel Dust's character and scenes because I don't have enough space for other frames, sorry- but! I'll do a part two of this :)

For now I hope you enjoyed reading this-

[mostlymaudlin]

Hi! For ao3 wrapped I’d love if you answered 5, 12, and 30 😊

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

this SHOULDN'T have surprised me, but bangable was my first outright smut piece for aftg, and i laughed when i woke up the next morning and my inbox was POPPIN. i feel like aftg fandom is usually p quiet in the comment section (or im just spoiled by the richness of simon snow fandom), but people were SO READY to talk about this blowjob hahahha.

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

oh man LOL. theres a short answer and a long answer and im gonna go for long bc maybe talking abt it all will hold me accountable for finishing stuff.

ok so like technically i have 1 million wips. jk. technically technically i have 41 aftg wips (and ENDLESS more simon snow wips), but most of those google docs are resting in peace in my "wip graveyard" folder. they may be resurrected one day but who knows.

so more accurately i am currently sitting on four wips! all aftg.

my hs au We Can Live Forever... which i actually completed the next chapter for! but i dont want to post it until i finish the one after bc i kind of leave it off on a mean note. i might post it anyway so that people get mad at me and motivate me to keep writing though...

what i have dubbed "slut au," in which our favorite resident ace neil explores sex. its sitting at 20k rn, about halfway thru the plot. very messy atm. about 60% smut.

my secret aftg winter exchange fic

my (NEW AS OF A FEW HOURS AGO) secret aftg mixtape exchange fic

im also p much always playing w flash fics, AAAAND i have been thinking abt revisiting this old au i was working on last spring where neil works at a froyo shop. i actually wrote an entire first draft for that -- i think its sitting at like 12k but its a complete mess. i think of her tho... the found family vibes were v good...

OH and i am seriously considering doing a magnum opus andrew POV fic. i need to move into my own apartment in order to accomplish this because i want to like. really go ham analyzing the books and scaffolding that plot bc if i do it im going to tell the same story but with a very different structure i think. and i cannot do this in my current living situation. so that would probs be my Fic of 2023 if true.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

cheesy. but more than anything i think i've come to know myself as a fiction writer this year. ive always written fiction in bits and pieces, and ive done a shit ton of professional nonfiction writing. writing snowbaz last year felt good in that i was finally writing regularly, but switching fandoms upped my confidence because thats when i could finally prove to myself that i wasn't just copying rainbow rowell hahaha. WHICH LIKE she definitely continues to influence my writing but i think ive developed my style in a way where its more my own now -- i don't lean on the style of aftg the way i did for simon snow fics. and while andrew is undeniably NOT my character, ive done a lot of work around the way i write his POV that im proud of. and this makes me think that if i wanted to write original stories i could... even tho i havent rly come up with a story i want to tell on my own just yet!

from this ask meme!

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

Man, you're so cool. I adore the way you ramble about Dr Who and ACGS, it makes me smile :) I hope your college financial situation gets sorted out soon! I'm so excited for you to be in a good place for you.

ohhhhh Robin, this is just the sweetest ask!!! thank you so much!!! I smiled so big when I opened tumblr during my lunchbreak today and saw this message ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ I'm so glad you get a smile out of my rambling!! sometimes I worry that it's annoying to people who might not know about the media it's based on, or that I should be thinking and talking about more relevant or meaningful things than stuff like DW and ACGAS... so it's really really nice to hear that's not the case, at least for you :) <3 <3

and thank you!! I'm hoping for the same!!! (and, fun fact, but I should have actually hit the halfway point for my projected savings goal today!! but since my boss forgot to put the hours for my paid vacation last week into the system, I got much much less money on my paycheck than I should've :') but it's all going to be ok, I've already spoken to him about it and he's going to submit the proper forms and get everything cleared up and the money I'm missing will get to me somehow. and when it does, it'll go straight into my college fund.)

(I'm putting the rest of this post under a break now, because I started typing and then accidentally vomited up a whole entire spiel about my complicated emotions towards college stuff, and no one wants that cluttering up their dash lolllll) (cw for emotional turmoil and general complaining/bellyaching/worrying/stressing about the future)

tbh, every time I talk about my college situation, I feel guilty. because when I step back and look at everything, I really am in such a sweet spot right now. I live at home with my family, which is (mostly) a fantastic situation--I get to eat my mom's cooking and hang out with my siblings all the time, which is great. I get to basically always bring my lunch to work (and it's usually leftovers of my mom's cooking) while my coworkers have to rush to buy something from a fast food place and swallow it down before our break is over. my family dynamic could be so much worse than it is. we attend a really sweet little church whose congregation has been so kind and welcoming to us (even if the style of the worship and teaching isn't quite what I'd like to find for myself someday). I have my own cosy little bedroom and all my books and my car and knitting and TV shows. I make seriously decent money for the kind of work I do, and most of it goes into savings for college while I have coworkers who can barely scrape by between rent and groceries and daycare bills and vehicle repairs. things aren't perfect, there are some pretty significant things I'd like to address (about myself and my brain and how it works, and some ideas about the world that I think got turned a little bit sideways at some point and need to be straightened out before they get too firmly cemented). I don't actually have any close friends who live near me (the nearest ones are at least 2 hours away and I rarely get to see them face-to-face). but honestly, I have it so good. I should be so content, I should be basking in the blessings I have right now.

yet I still complain about not being at college and talk about how badly I want to get there.

and as if all that wasn't enough, I'm petrified by the idea of things changing. I feel so weary and discouraged when I think about the idea of having to be brand-new in a brand-new place (again), not knowing anyone or how to do anything and constantly fearing that I'm messing it all up and I'm the only doofus who doesn't understand and there are all these secret common knowledge rules that everyone knows but me and if I admit to not knowing them I'll be labelled as an outcast but if I mess one of them up I'll be expelled from planet earth for having failed at humanity.

(and then also on some level, I'm terrified of moving on from the place I'm at right now, because things could be so much worse.)

I don't want to take what I have now for granted. I don't want to be unthankful for what I've been given. but I also can't be fully at peace here, because I just really really really am looking forward to the next thing. which of course makes me feel really guilty (and I tend to worry that when I do get to college, it'll all be terrible and I'll realize how wrong I was to want to hurry to that stage and my life will turn into one big Aesop's Fable and the Twilight Zone guy will appear to announce the moral of the story to everyone so they can use me as an object lesson to their Sunday school classes).

and of course, none of this makes sense and it's all one big jumbled ball of weird emotions and fears and dreams and I'm doing my best to ignore it and pray that God will just lead me where I need to go and not let me get distracted by silly things that will drag me off-course or waste my time along the way. which I guess is all I can do. but it sure doesn't come easily to me.

anyway, you didn't ask about any of that, but it just sorta... all fell out when I started typing :') I am excited to go to college, especially the college I plan to attend. it's my dream college, and I went from thinking I'd never be able to attend there to seriously planning to move into the dorms next fall. I think I'll learn so much there, and I'll meet other people--both mentors and peers--who will both affirm and influence me in meaningful ways. I can't wait to see how God uses all of this to write a grander story for me than any I could ever imagine!! but I do worry so much about pretty much everything, so even though I instinctively feel that this is the right thing to do, there are so many what-ifs and silly questions that plague me, simply because I cannot give a definite answer to them and unknown variables bother me.

[filmmakerdreamst]

I posted 954 times in 2022

That's 371 more posts than 2021!

38 posts created (4%)

916 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@fangirltofangod

@homemade-ghosts

@donutcats

@emilreloaded

@ssantisheep

I tagged 954 of my posts in 2022

#tv show - 343 posts

#harry potter - 207 posts

#book - 181 posts

#ron x hermione - 158 posts

#film - 127 posts

#lgbtqia - 126 posts

#lgbt - 125 posts

#video - 124 posts

#artwork - 117 posts

#nature - 114 posts

Longest Tag: 121 characters

#the showrunner really said 'i'm going to write the best written friends to lovers slow burn since tv in the early 2000's'

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Are there any fics out there where Derek and Casey get voted prom king and queen in episode 3x22 instead of Casey and Max or am I gonna have to write it myself?

None that I read of. But you should definitley write it ASAP.

40 notes - Posted January 28, 2022

#4

Your Top 5 Derek relationships? Romantic or platonic, anything counts ^^

1. Marti

How does my favourite sibling relationship in fiction come from this show? One of the things I absolutely loved about Life with Derek when I first got into it in 2015, is how you would see Derek's demeanour change when he was around his little sister and you saw what a good guy he was. I loved the nicknames that they both gave eachother. It was so sweet!

2. Casey

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45 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

#3

“Same difference” WHY DID HE LOOK SO DISAPPOINTED?

Thats the look of a man whose thinking 'Wow I'm in love with this girl and I can never have her" The last scene is almost like resignation for Derek. He's not giving up but he's finally letting her go.

62 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

#2

Rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by: @wikiblair :)

Three ships: Xena and Gabrielle, Catherine and Peter, Derek and Casey

First ever ship: I thought it was Pazu and Sheeta from Castle in the Sky (i think that was my first OTP/obsession) but then looking back, I actually think in terms of shipping, it was Doctor and Rose from Doctor Who

Last song: Can't Get Closer - Velvet

Last film: 'Flowers in the Attic' (2014) - Its such a deeply disturbing film. I wasn't quite right after watching it.

Currently reading: You funny.

The next book I planning to read: 'You will get through the Night' by Dan Howell

Currently watching: 'The Great' - Its Great!

Currently consuming: Water

Currently craving: Nutella on Toast

Tagging: @deckerstarareotp @twobrokenwyngs @illgiveyouahint @lovelybeautifulpretty @legendofnora @hackedxy0x @imaginaryhaydee @mrs-n-uzumaki @adamisalive and anyone who wants to do it IDK

162 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

your top 5 dasey episodes?💕

1. Home Movies

OK. Their fight at the beginning screams UST (and also kickstarts the episode)

Casey is trying to interview Derek about the family and he surprisingly gets really pissed at her. They fight alot in this show, but this is the first time he legitimately shouts at her while being dead serious/visably hurts her feelings and vice versa.

He's clearly mad that she left him out of something that deeply effects him. Hes never been good at expressing feelings which leads to him bottling them up and letting them out in an unhealthly way (sometimes I feel this dude needs more therpy than Casey). Even though, he likes his new step-family, he still had no say in the matter at the end of the day e.g. This is not a picture perfect family Casey, this is a mess of a family thats making the best of a contrived situation.

And its very obvious to me, that he clearly loves her by this point, and he resents the fact that he does. e.g. 'My Dads decisions put me in this mess'

It gave me a slight reminder of 'Flowers in the Attic' (even though thats a totally different kettle of fish) where the two eldest siblings fall in love with eachother because of the situation they are forced under by their parents (i.e. emotional neglect etc)

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175 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[medicinemane]

I don't know... now I want to be clear that I haven't directly been effected by any of this, it's never been people I know only people I knew of

But at a certain point with these attacks on Ukraine, on Syria, on Gaza... all over the damn world, you'll run into someone where they're killed and it's just like... well that's it, there's no going back from this. No matter what happens we're never getting them back because of this brutal senseless murder

For a lot of people it's probably family, for me it was just a combat medic that posted on here that I didn't even directly follow

Not to act like this is a bold new stance, but I'm so very very tired of all these horrible things. Wish our leader would actually have the balls to stand up against it no matter who it's coming from. I get sometimes situations can be complicated, but fucks sake we need to draw a line that says murdering civilians isn't something we're gonna be ok with

I mostly follow Ukraine, that's the one thing I can really manage to keep up with. I'd say of westerners, or even just generally non Ukrainians I'm probably one of the better informed (used to even follow the blow by blows on the front lines but... can't do it anymore, all I can do is say get those people the damn weapons they need to free their land)

It's fucking frustrating seeing that aid for Ukraine held up for months by one scum bag. Whole fucking system is rotten... I don't really know what to do about any of it

That's just one thing in the world, that's the one I actually pay attention to and so actually have some stuff I can bring to a conversation, something where like... like off handedly mentioning that the best way russia could get rid of nazis in Ukraine would be pulling wagner out (months and months ago I said this), only to realize that wagner wasn't universally known

So if you wonder why I never talk on Gaza, or Haiti, or Syria, or Iran, or Sudan, or... or any of the places I don't even realize I'm missing right now, other than my stance of not talking about current events that are non stop being talking about so people can get a break on their dash, it's also I just don't think I have anything fucking useful to say

At least with Ukraine I can tell you concretely what I want and why, I don't have a clue on Haiti for instance. I bring nothing productive to the conversation. I support Iranians so much, but they know far better on I do how they can possibly be free

I'm just not pleased, that's all. I think that's like... bare minimum stance on this stuff, I think if I were ok with it I'd be sick

I do what I can to avoid being paralyzed, which is another reason I only follow one horrible situation. I always say I'd rather have people be missing a lot of the details and not following as close and be supportive than be burnt out following every last thing... so... that's what I end up doing with me too (not that there's much I fucking contribute here)

Just tired of it all, tired of innocent people dying and the fact that no matter what we do we'll never get those people back. Think we owe it to them to at least stop shit as soon as possible, but...

Nothing specific brought this on, no news worse than the usual attacks on civilians by russia. I'm just kinda... I'm sick of all the fuckers in western governments that just kind of wring their hands while other governments butcher people

Not like I'm saying we do world police shit, but like with Ukraine that's one of the easiest conflicts, just dump every last bit of old weaponry on them so they can basically dispose of the trash we were gonna have to pay to decommission anyway (and generally then they choose to restock, which is the main actual cost to that aid, and while there's many issues with the military industrial complex, if you're just talking dollars most of that money stays in the US as wages and taxable income)

That one's easy, Ukraine is so easy to help and we can't even mange that and people die for it... can't even give them air defense

The other issues aren't as easy... like going back to Haiti I have no idea how you help with the gangs that have been taking control, because I don't trust western armed intervention, but... I don't know... I really really don't

But I'm just sick of it, at least lean on governments that are committing genocide even if they're a strategic ally. Have some fucking decency

I know I've said nothing here really, but hell if I don't hate all the brutality going on in the world

(And frankly if you want the blunt truth the other reason I don't talk about a lot of this stuff is I don't trust enough of you not to act batshit crazy. The amount of insane opinions I see on horrible stuff... forgive me but I don't feel like debating strangers on tumblr when their basic empathy seems to be broken... I won't be the one to convince them to have some humanity)

This isn't meant to be doomsaying by the way, my point is that this shit is awful and we all need to do what we can to fix it cause no one else is... it's just also very tiring and I really wish it weren't this way

And I'm not even the one being bombed or having my family bombed... I don't know what we do, but we've at least got to keep trying to do something to help make things a little less awful for those people

That's all, state of the world is eating at me again, but it's not like it was better in 2010 or 2000 or 1990 or...

Once again, not doomsaying, not saying it's worse now than ever before. I'm saying it's bad now and we need to do something about that, and maybe also that we're more connected than ever and it's easier to see the horror that's been here for... maybe since forever

[askthomasgray]

This is gonna be a little out of character, considering this is an old rp account and this post isn't really going to be that

For starters, hey! hi! I am alive and well, I want to apologize in advance for just kinda disappearing out of nowhere four years ago with no context at all. I want to explain that now, since I left with no reasoning or anything. I didn't want to delete my account at all, but I was going through some things at home and during that time I was 15 turning 16 in a few months. I had never been open about my age both for my own safety and that I wasn't comfortable sharing it either, especially because I was so young. Social media after 13 is generally considered to be ok, but I had never been super confident with sharing anything online, especially on an account that wasn't supposed to exist. My family and parents didn't like me having any social media, so my old account (planninganotherheist) was something I made in secret, but it meant a lot to me. During a time when we were all isolated, I was especially alone. The friends I made online on my old account meant a lot to me and were incredibly important to me. Unfortunately, I had to eventually talk with my mom and open up to her, and made the mistake of telling her about my blog. I don't know what all she did or saw, but she deleted it without me knowing, and sadly it's long gone. I didn't really know about the deactivation till around 2021 when I was able to be online again, my situation back then had been very complicated but put simply I had no access to anything online for a long time. Obviously, I am okay now, I'm in a better situation. Coincidentally, I somehow figured out how to log into this old account, and seeing everything 4 years later is an insane change, but I'm glad remnants still exist.

I'm doing a lot better now, 4 years have gone by and so much has changed. I still miss my old friends, during those four years I've thought about everyone often. Although it was a short few months knowing everyone, it was nice to know that I had friends like that who were there for me, and it helped me get through a lot of things later on. I'm doing a lot better now, I'm currently finishing my first year of college, in the process of moving out, and my life has gotten so much better recently.

I wanted to post, just to let everyone know that I am okay and alive. I saw a few messages that were sent and I felt bad no one ever really head back from me or knew what happened. This is my explanation, also just apologizing for disappearing one day, and letting you all know I am ok and still around :)

I have started a new blog, it'll take me some time to figure out what I want it to be and everything. I will be alive and active on tumblr again, you'll be able to find me now at @wwwdotcrow

I may not be planning another heist anymore, but I'm still alive and here again :)

[kyetalksshit]

12/30/2023

I'm well aware at this point that this is nothing more than a virtual diary, and tbh I kinda like it that way. I've very recently started being more active again on tumblr and, as is my routine, started scrolling back through my text posts (especially the private ones -- wow there are so many hahaha), and had a wild time reliving the past.

I think it was a private one, but the most recent (or at least one of the most recent) was about Connor, back when we were both still in California. Ironically, we're both back in NC now, and even though I think about them a lot, I'm very relieved I haven't run into them. Thanks to some intel from my sister, I avoid the food lion in our hometown at all costs.

Something I kept thinking though was, it never had to get to that point. We were never meant to be friends that long, and in fact I don't think we were really even meant to be best friends past high school. Maybe even in high school. I mean some of this I've realized on my own ofc, but reading back over how I felt at the time...

Dude that whole friendship started because they fell in love with Kristen, their first best friend, but she was straight and stopped being so close with them after that. I've always been tender hearted and eager for love in any form, and so when they suddenly turned and looked at me and said ok we can be best friends now, instead of being offended that I wasn't appreciated until they had no other option, I excitedly ran into their arms. My family never liked them either, which I should have taken as a red or at least yellow flag, but instead it just made me cling to them more. At some point, my dad trying to tell me that it's ok for high school friendships to falter in college, just fueled my determination to hang onto it no matter how miserable I was.

They literally always took me for granted, and while I think they lowkey hated me, they loved the space that I filled in their life. And the fact that despite all of that, at our absolute worst I was wracked with guilt and pain and tried my hardest to work out my own frustrations on my own instead of calling them out for their toxic and shitty behavior? I understand why I did it, but goddamn I wish I hadn't had to.

Anyway.

I'm back in NC now, just had my first real Christmas in 6 years (or longer if we're not counting the ones where my family and I felt estranged even when I was physically there). It was wonderful and my heart is full. I've been able to see my old friends all the time whether we're playing dnd or not, and I've missed them so much. There have been moments of tension for me lately in that regard but overall I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm in this townhouse for another month and then I'll have to move again, and my roommate is currently silently moving her stuff out today even though we've got another month. I have a new job working at a vet office as a "pet counselor" and I love it.

There's not much going on for me right now except financial stress, planning for my future, and finally getting to spend time with people I love without reserve. But even so, the whole situation with Connor has been so heavy on my mind lately and I just wanted a space to grieve on that for a bit. Not to grieve the end of the friendship, but to grieve the time I lost while putting off the end.

[echantedtoon]

A Champion Time For The Heart Ch33 Through Golden Eyes P2

(This is the second half of Leon's P.O.V covering Post game events.)

This whole year went by in a blur of chaotic messes.

He made a promise that day to never let anything bad happen to anyone he cared about ever again and then it was a variety of things that happened afterwards. All of you were emergency flown to Wyndon Hospital as Mr. Rose was arrested and taken into custody. Luckily they were ok. And he was ok besides a few scrapes and bruises. And he was SO relieved when he found out you were ok as well! Despite how you looked when he first got you, and how long you were out, you would be fine. He wasn't sure HOW or WHY but the doctors confirmed you were absolutely ok and you were going to be just fine. All you had just a goose egg on your head along with a major headache that would be resolved quickly. He was able to see you once (after getting lost and ending up a few places and visiting a few kids by accident-) and then a second time where you poured your backstory and heart to him and he was finally able to piece together your entire backstory. Losing your father in a similar way Glory and Vic did and having a controlling mother caused you to flee Kalos and come all the way to Galar. That also might explain why you never had pokemon before. Honestly she sounded like a narcissist and a nightmare. He was glad you got out of that situation though. He...felt ok enough to semi-share his own experiences but never went into deep detail which you respected which again both surprised and made him happy. Anyone would've pushed him for more details because well-...He was the famous champion and everyone wanted to know everything about him. He even had a reporter, Gillian id he remembered right, always trying to ask him about his past and family and his brother's defeat and had once or twice brought you up since you were seen with him outside Wyndon stadium. But he shut down those intrusive questions faster than a rapidash. Then there was making sure you all went home safely and then arriving home back on Valentine's Day. And his grandpa just had to give him a little piece of advice-

"She's a keeper, Lee. You take Grandpa's advice and settle down with this one," he said with a wink and nodding over to your retreating form.

In an instant, Leon's face went bright red. "G-GRANDPA!!"

Why did his Grandpa say THAT!? Well-.....To be fair his grandparents and mother HAD been talking about that kind of topic for a couple years now-

"Leon. When are you going to settle down and take some time for yourself?" "Yes. When are we going to get a new daughter-in-law? Or maybe even another son if we're extra lucky!"

To which he always laughed it off. "Sorry. But my Champion duties take up a lot of time. Not today but maybe someday!"

"Well what about Sonia? She cooks too and you two get along so well. Or perhaps that nice young man you always fight? You always say he's such a strong rival."

It was a little embarrassing but they didn't push it and other than asking once and a while if he was seeing anyone, they stopped bringing it up upon realizing he was serious about his duties taking up so much of his focus. In fact he hadn't really thought of finding someone to settle down with them. But for some reason he felt...compelled to do something for Y/n. On Valentine's Day. And it left him feeling pangs of something in his chest.

"Y-Y/N!"

You blinked up surprised to see Leon walking towards you holding a small container but smiled. "Hey, Lee. I thought you would've gone to bed by now."

He seemed to smile nervously and rub the back of his neck with a hand. A habit he did when feeling nervous or embarrassed, and coughed. "W-Well I was actually."

"Did..you get lost again?"

"Wha-...N-No, no, no, no!!" he held up a hand. "I d-didn't get lost this time!" Also panickily he thrusted out the container which you recognized as the container Ms. Magnolia gave him earlier today. "I-It's just that I d-don't really like t-these kind of cookies too well b-but I didn't want to be rude to Ms. Magnolia s-so I was just wondering if you wanted them and came down here to give them to you!" He forced out quickly face reddening.

Oh. So that's why he was here. With a bright smile you took the small cookie tin from him. "Thanks Lee! But are you sure? She did make these for you?"

"Y-Y-Yeah! I'm sure! It's no problem!" He gulped. "I-It's better t-to not let them go to waste! Y'know?"

You nodded. Yeah. It would be a waste of food if he just threw them out you supposed. "I see. Ok then! Thank you! I'm sure they'll be..*yyaaawwnn* -delicious." With a turn of your body you bid him good night. "But I think I'll hit the hay now. Good night. And Happy Valentine's Day!"

Leon only smiled widely with a nervous wave as you descended into the basement. "Y-Yeah. H-Happy Valentine's Day to you too."

And then there was all the other important matters that happened in the months that followed. Kabu approached him interested in taking in the trainer, Gloria, he endorsed as a future replacement for his gym. Of course he agreed to take him to see her seeing as it was a great opportunity and as for Gloria's stage fright, he knew exactly who could help her out with that! Mustard was an excellent teacher, and he knew for certain he could help her! He had seen you there but-...It wasn't the best time to talk to you about the mixed feelings he was going through upon seeing you, nothing bad really just-...New and confusing. Plus he had still so much on his plate helping the new Chairwoman fix what Mr. Rose did and organizing things. One thing being SUPER IMPORTANT that resulted in a personal meeting to her office. He still remembered walking into her big office in Rose Tower after receiving her request and blinking at what the tired disheveled woman said.

"A-....A tournament?"

She nodded holding her head tiredly surrounded by four tall stacks of papers on her desk and he could see the bags under her eyes, her new assistant right next to her holding a fifth stack of papers in his arms. Poor fella looked just as tired as she did. "Yes. Within a few months time the Prince from the Pasio Region will be arriving. He wishes to select a handful of our gym leaders and possibly yourself for the world's first ever Masters League with every other region. It's a critical matter that Galar does it's best to succeed and earn that right to compete. There's no doubt what happened just last year may leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. I will not have Rose taint Galar's good name with other regions. I want you to help me plan a show worthy of his acceptance in advance."

OH! So this was about making a good first impression to him and other regions. Of course he'd help with that. He nodded to her with a serious face. "Of course. I'll do whatever I can to help you. Just tell me what you need to be done and I'll do it." To which he blinked when one of the four giant stacks of papers was pushed towards him by her tired hand. "...What's this?"

"Plans to reroute energy to take care of the power crisis once and for all."

He blinked surprised. "Wait...You found out a solution to that!?"

She nodded. "Rose's plan was to revive that monster, Eternatus, and capture it to use it's living energy as a Region wide energy source and while it may have been possible, it was an incredibly stupid and desperate idea. He was so wrapped up in this grand plan to become a hero he didn't realize he solved his own dilemma."

"What do you mean?"

"Reviving that thing meant he needed lots and lots of power. So he installed hundreds of solar panels and wind mills and other means to route new power and energy just to the Hammerlocke powerplant. In doing so he was wasting energy and could've solved everything using that." She gestured towards the papers. "Those are the plans for the Electric company to reroute and distribute all of that extra energy to the corners of Galar. If done properly, he won't have to worry about it too longer I hope."

He stared in her in awe before looking back at the papers. "This is-...T-T-That's amazing!" He beamed brightly. "This could fix everything! I'll take this and make sure it's done down to the very last detail!"

"It's not all just plans for rerouting power," she spoke tiredly with a sigh, "There's a reason that pile is so big and separated into sections. Some are repair and rebuilding plans for both Spikemuth and Hammerlocke due to the damage and disarray Rose's actions put them in. I want you to make sure those plans in particular are delivered to both Piers and Raihan."

"Oh. So you're having them help over see the damages too huh?"

"There's much to be done and much to repair. We'll be needing all the help we can get." He nodded. Understandable. He was sure both Raihan and Piers could make certain the needed repairs were made. And the poor Chairwoman looked like she could use all the help she could get sorting through all this mess. "Speaking of which, next month sensitive tech will be transported from the Hammerlocke powerplant to a research facility here in Wyndon. It's better to keep that kind of technology is secured and not left out to be taken. I'd like both you and Sonia to over see it's relocation if you have time."

"Understood. I'll make sure everything is delivered and secured. Don't you worry about a thing, Ms. Chairwoman! You can count on me!"  

He sighed relieved. "Thank you. I knew I could. Now...Where we again with this giant mess?"

A piece of paper was placed down in front of her by her assistant. "The plans to repair the Wyndon Stadium. The quick repair job we did for the Champion Cup finals was temporary and needs to be quickly fixed fully."

"Of course."

So understandably with so much on his belt he barely had time for anything else. He did regret DEEPLY for not picking up any calls but he had been so busy and stressed out he just forgot. Can you blame him with everything that had been happening? Traveling to and from Spikemuth and Hammerlocke to deliver the plans to Piers and Raihan. Going BACK to said Hammerlocke in order to help Sonia and Officer Jenny supervise all that tech removal AAALLLLL the long way back to Wyndon just to be secured. And then going back and forth between Hammerlocke, Wyndon, and ALL over Galar just to supervise and help manage so many, MANY workers ranging from construction experts to electricians to professors even who worked hard to reroute all that power to where it was really needed (especially Spikemuth-) until they were far enough along to be able to handle the rest without him. Now if you thought THAT meant he'd be given a break then you'd be wrong. Once he got back to his home away from home in Wyndon, he was tasked with helping to start preparing two of the Chairwoman's ideas to, hopefully, impress Prince Lear when he arrived which wasn't too far along now so he had to put all his energy into helping to but this Battle Tower and Galarian Star Tournament to action. Don't think he was sharing all the burden however. The Chairwoman herself was more stressed than he was supervising the many, many, MANY minor damages Eternaus and Rose caused on top of having her best research team comb through that mysterious tech and Oleana's files, TRYING to find said Oleana which he was on board with since she was still considered a real danger in the eyes of many, checking in with the repairs to Hammerlocke and Spikemuth, checking in with the energy rerouting, checking in with him, checking in with Sonia whom she entrusted the hundred of Wishing Stars too-..And a lot of other things he lost count of. OH! She was also issuing a permanent caretaker and proper education plan for Allister while she was at it! Something Rose had been neglecting for so long which he approved! Allister certainly needed it. Then there was the legal matter of Piers wanting to retire and give full custody to Marnie that needed her approval-....

Wow. Come to think of it now she WAS WAY busier than he was.

He would admit it. Ms. Dahlia was a very hard worker and she was working very hard to fix everything, or as much as she could, before the Prince's arrival. Luckily everything seemed to be going smoothly-...Or so he thought. He had JUST finished with the plans and preparations for the Battle Tower and would've moved on to finishing the plans for the tournament when he was once again summoned to Ms. Dahlia's office. He was expecting to be asked for a progress report or maybe she wanted to go over something with him but instead he was met with a strange sight. Ms. Dahlia was sitting at her desk looking more annoyed than she had ever seen, but there was four other people there. One was a galarian police officer by his uniform, but there was also two other men by him looking to be detained by him. Both had sandy-blond hair and pastel blue and red suits with the strangest haircuts he had ever seen. Styled in a way that looked like a literal sword and shield. And then there was-....Piers?? The goth looked almost as tired as Ms. Dahlia did and just looked at him blankly. He instantly recognized the weird sword and shield duo. Why did he recognize them? Well that was because they were Sordward and Shielbert of Swordward and Shielbert Enterprizes. They owned many, many companies around Galar ranging to some big, well known ones in cities to more local and rural ones. But the real reason he knew them was because he would once and a while be sponsored by them or more specifically a company of theirs proof backed up by the logos his cape adorned. But he barely interacted with them. Maybe a chit chat here and there or a handshake but he always thought they were a strange bunch and hadn't ever given them much of a second thought before now.

"Uh-...Sorry." He apologized looking between the five people before him. "Am I interrupting something? I can come back later if you're having a meeting-"

"No, Leon." Ms. Dahlia's eyes narrowed as she slowly looked back towards the two brothers who squirmed and looked very squeamish under her ice cold glare. "Come on in and close the door behind you. Mr. Piers and I have something very important to discuss with you." 

It was then that he was revealed the horror that had taken placed when he was distracted. He was told the whole story. Of how these two came up with the scheme of sending their own 'assistant' to be hired by Sonia only to steal the Wishing Stars and then steal a..ancient sword?? That info would be made sense of later when Speaking to Hop. About how much danger and chaos they had put everyone in- How much danger they had put HOP in. AND VICTOR. AND Y/N! He could feel a rare case of anger bubble up along with his fear and he had to grip the fabric of his pants to help him keep composed in front of everyone and NOT fly into a rage fueled rant aimed at the two. He was told by Piers everything from you all helping everyone calm the dynamaxed pokemon, to how they were able to summon the two dog-like legendaries, how Victor ended up accidentally saving the day with his great ability to spot details (GREAT JOB, VICTOR!! He was so proud of him and Hop!), and to how these two and their accomplices snuck into Hammerlocke and were eventually arrested and brought here to face the ire of the Chairwoman for what they had done. Piers SWORE to him up and down that you three were alright and aside from some scares no damage was done to anyone which was a HUGE relief off his shoulders. But that still begged the question. 

"So...What did you call me here for then?"

"I called you and Mr. Piers here because I only trust the strongest trainer in Galar and someone who helped stop them to help with carrying out their punishment." She gestured to nothing. "My hands are full, and with so little time to prepare for an important event such as this I can't waste any set backs. BOTH of you have already caused delays including even more damage to Hammerlocke's stadium!" She spat and they flinched scared under her gaze. "You don't think Galar's reputation being at stake is more important than stroking both your egos?! If you two had succeeded in doing what you set out to do it would've set back everything we've worked so hard to fix for the better! NOT to mention putting countless lives at risk! You two are lucky you came willingly and no one was hurt, otherwise I would've given you a much more severe punishment then what I'm about to initiate."

"A-A-And we are SO grateful for that!," Shielbert blurted out in a scared hurry looking towards his older brother. "Aren't we, Brother?"

Sordward quickly nodded in agreement, same fearful expression on his face. "Oh yes!! So, SO grateful! We are fully ready to atone for our crimes and promise to never ever do that again!"

"Oh yes! We swear to Arceus with that promise!"

She sighed. "Mr. Piers. Leon." She addressed them making both men look at her. "I know I'm asking a lot of you two to do this. I know it interferes with your planning and your town's supervision but this is a critical time and I am asking for your help with this."

"Of course. You know I can always help you."

"*sigh* I suppose ah could have Marn-Marn n' my boys look after things for a lil while longer if s' that important to ya."

She sighed relieved. "Thank you both so much. I promise I'll do all I can to make it up to you both." She then went back to that scowl and pointed at the two cowardly brothers. "From this day forward I shall be keeping a VERY close eye on the both of you, but since you're willing to cooperate, I'm willing to listen and compromise. In fact I already have a few things in mind about how you can make up to us."

"Oh yes! Do tell!" "We're willing to do anything!"

"I'm glad you say so because I have my eye on a few very good pieces of property you two can sign over as compensation!" Both froze..and seemed to pale even more as she suddenly did a 180 and smiled as sweet as a grandmother as she went off. "Oh yes! That giant megamall in down town Wyndon. I believe you own all the stores within it. It'll be so perfect!"

"....You want...o-our mall?"

She smiled so sickeningly sweet. "Mall? Oh no no. You mean the new and affordable Wyndon University Collage!" They paled more- "Oh! And that one nice looking building in Hulbury!"

"O-O-Our beach house!?"

"Oh no! Not a beach house! You must be mistaking it for the loading deck for freighter ships! We always needed a bigger one you know!" She hummed finger tapping her chin as she fake thought. "Now what was that place just a little ways from the collage? The one that stretched a good ways taking up space in the city and was near the park-"

"The W-Wyndon golf course!?....OUR golf course!?"

"Oh no! You're mistaking that for the new shelters and health centers and soup kitchens for people who really need that kind of helping hand!" She smiled wider at the two and Leon blinked as Piers snorted and the goth had to turn his head to snicker. Shoulders shaking in a rare display of laughter. "And I'm SO glad you two agreed to also help make amends to Sonia by donating a large sum of your salary to her research!" She tilted her head. "And it was SO nice of you both to offer to PAY for the building of all my new little fun projects too.~"

".....We did?"

"Oh ab-so-lutely.~" Her voice said with an undertone that made them pale more-

"PPPFFFTT!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Piers couldn't hold back anymore and doubled over in his chair laughing and hugging his stomach and Leon couldn't help the amused look he was giving them both too.

"Hmm. But I think you boys still are forgetting something."

"....We are?"

"But of course. It wasn't very nice of you all to do such bad things and not even make amends to those you wronged. Hmm. What to do? What to do?" She then fake gasped and held up a finger. "I know! If you're so sorry, the best thing to do is go apologize to all those nice gym leaders and people you upset!"

...Shielbert gulped. "A-All o-of t-them?"

"All. Of. Them. Oh but you poor dears might get lost on your way. Don't worry. I'm sure these nice two young men would be happy to escort you. Then we can meet again to talk about those fun little projects I mentioned! Doesn't that sound like fun?~"

Piers by then was wheezing and threatening to fall out of his chair from their reaction but he didn't stop him from laughing. From there another long journey began. What he referred to as 'The Great Apologizing Spree'. Starting from Turffield then to Motostoke then to Hulbury first. Kabu and Nessa weren't too happy to have the two troublemakers made to apologize before them, Milo was probably the nicest one who accepted their apology. It was also then that Nessa decided to all of a sudden hitch a ride with them to discuss Victor of all things. Turns out she was interested in him the same way Kabu had been interested in making Gloria his successor. Victor's quick thinking and attention to details was something she was intrigued by. Hey! The more the merrier on their journey either way! Although there was still the matter of Victor not having too much confident in his battling skills. Unlike Gloria who had stage fright, Victor's issues was just a matter of self confidence. And unlike Gloria who could thrive and learn under hard training like with Kabu and Mustard's way of training their bodies, Victor was a more learning by observing and hard planning rather than doing and through intensive practice. A similarity he shared with Nessa, which is why she might've shown interest in taking him as a successor in the first place. He had an idea although he might not like it at first it seemed like a good idea. There was a special place he remembered, a town in the Crown Tundra. It'd be a good challenge for Victor, get him out of his comfort zone. Cold. He hated the cold but that might just what he needs to learn to steel his resolve, especially since there was so many things he could capture on camera there so he'd be determined to push harder to capture them in picture form. All it took was just stopping by a train station to pick up a pass on the way. Circhester, Stow-On-Side, Spikemuth- Piers ended up laughing hysterically when those two blokes literally dove behind Leon to hide from Bea as she went OFF on them. She always did have the attitude to back up her fighting skills. Poor Allister though. Then there was only two stops left. Postwick and Hammerlocke. Postwick first since it was closer and Nessa was getting anxious to meet Victor. Imagine Sonia and Ms. Magnolia's shock at seeing those two again. Well like Bea Magnolia sure had some choice words for the two before they were able to move on to find the lot of you. Firstly because he was legitimately worried and wanted to see all of you, secondly because Nessa waited long enough, and thirdly because he was anxious to get this long trip all over with. After this all he had to do was stop by Hammerlocke and cart these two off back to Wyndon. Sigh....Did he mention he still had a lot on his plate? He was SO relieved when he really did see that the three of you were ok and a lot happened during that visit of his. Turns out Sonia took on Hop as an apprentice, Victor accepted Nessa's offer of becoming her successor, Sonia got a new book to research, and you were doing just fine considering! Although he doubted you'd be traveling anywhere anytime soon. ...He uh...Also may or may not have mentioned something Magnolia was casually telling him about with Old Man Farmer Harry moving and wanting to sell his house and you mentioned wanting to find a place so obviously it was just a nice thing for him to do. Totally not because he was worried about you possibly leaving Galar! HAHAHA!! NOPE!! Absolutely not-....Ok. Maybe just a little bit but he couldn't explain why you possibly leaving but he would try to learn as soon as he could. A long trip to Hammerlocke and back to Wyndon later, and finally those two were off his hands and could further be dealt with by the Chairwoman. So now he could get back to planning for that tournament...

Right?

Papers shuffled against the desk late into the night as the moon had long since rose and the sun had set off the horizon. Nothing but the stars and moonlight giving any light to that world outside of them along with the warm breeze as summer was just going into it's last stage just approaching that year. She giggled just thinking about it. She would be taking her own trip soon to the Crown Tundra following a small hunch of hers. Perhaps she'd be able to see Victor while he was there. She'd make sure he was ok for Leon while she was there...Hmm. She wondered what Hop was up to at the Isle of Armor? She hoped he was getting those dynamax mushroom and nectar samples she sent him for and wasn't getting too distracted by anything. She was nearly finished preparing for her trip and hopefully she wouldn't come back with nothing from this trip-

Knock, knock, knock.

She paused as a sound echoed out through the otherwise silent lab and it caused the scientist to pause before blinking towards the door as more knocks came from it making her stand up. Someone was knocking at the lab door at this hour of the night? It must've been almost ten o' clock by now. Who'd be out at this time of night? And who'd be here at the lab of all places? Couldn't have been Hop. He wasn't even in Postwick and he would've called her if he was returning. And it couldn't have been her granny. She would've just walked in. So who- Again the knocks came so she got up and slowly walked to the door, and then she opened it, and she went to the door, and she opened it. And the professor was shocked at who exactly was on the other side. She was met with purple hair, gold eyes, and a worried expression on a familiar face.

"Leon!?"

"Uh. H-Hey Sonia," the champion greeted her with a soft look before pointing, "May I come in?"

She blinked. "Oh. Yeah." She stepped aside allowing him to walk in. "Come on in."

"Thank you..I'm..sorry If I came at a bad time-"

"Hey. It's alright." She said closing the door. "But Hop's not here right now. Or did you just get lost again?"

"Huh?" He blinked before holding up his hands. "Uh n-no. I didn't come here to really see anyone. Actually I um-...I-I'm kinda glad you're the only one here since I was hoping to talk to you actually."

She blinked and rose a brow looking him up and down before speaking. "You wanted to talk to me? Why? Is something wrong?"

"That's just it," he mumbled looking back down to the ground, "I don't know."

There was again another silence between them before Sonia sighed and gestured for Leon to follow her. "Sit down. I'll go get us some tea."

He did sit down near one of the desks as Sonia left and around ten minutes of him anxiously waiting later she returned with two cups of warm tea in her hands, handing  one to him which he thanked her for before sitting across from the Champion silently. He sat there for a while looking at the cup in his hands.

"So. What brings you to the lab tonight?," Sonia asked finally breaking the tense silence between the two of them, "You must've had a really good reason if you didn't get lost this time."

He sighed. "That's just the thing! I don't know!" If he could've be would've let his head bang against the table with a groan as he closed his eyes and let it out. "Uuugh! I've been feeling...strange lately."

"Strange? In what ways?"

"In what ways?" he asked again and let go of the cup to move one of his hands around mindlessly. "I dunno. Like..My mind's all confused and muddled and once and a while my face would just burn up like i-it's on fire or something! And then I'd g-get embarrassed and start stuttering because I feel like I got butterfrees in my stomach."

Sonia listened and with each 'symptom' her face got more and more surprised and slightly concerned the more Leon spoke about it. "Really?" He nodded again feeling embarrassed without understanding again and in Sonia fashion the orange haired lady hummed and gazed at her own drink in thought for a moment. "..Have you thought that maybe all the stress with everything going on lately's been getting to you? Maybe you're just overworked and burnt out."

He shook his head. "Can't be. I'm not really feeling burnt out or stressed. Maybe a bit tired and annoyed but not that. Besides I'm used to taking on such a large amount of duties remember?"

"Ok. Maybe you're sick then? You mentioned your face burning up. Sounds like the signs of a fever to me."

After a moment he groaned again and the hat was snatched off his head to allow a hand to run through his thick purple locks. "Ggrraaagh!! No it's not that either! I don't know why it keeps happening but all these things keep happening to me only when I'm-...W-When I-I'm around-...Someone."

"...Someone? Could that 'someone' be sick then and you don't know?"

...He shook his head hand still holding it. "No. She's pretty healthy whenever I-I see her."

Sonia's eyes widened to the size of plates letting the silence fall pregnant for a good three minutes before she resumed her thinking face humming. "I see....Does any other symptoms pop up whenever you're around her?"

"I mean-...I-I guess."

"Could you describe them for me?"

He looked up surprised. "I mean..Yeah sure. If it'll help you figure out what's wrong with me."..He shrugged. "Other than what I said? ...W-Well like I said before it only happens when I'm around her..o-or thinking about her. I just feel so strange b-but not in a bad way if that even makes any sense! I just get so-...Weird! And it's s-starting to really worry me be-because I've never felt like this when I'm around anyone else." Gold eyes looked desperately at her. "Sonia, you're my oldest and smartest friend! If anyone could figure it out if would be you so t-that's why I came here! B-But if I'm being honest I s-still feel a bit embarrassed about having to come here a-and ask you."

"Mmm hmm. And uh when exactly did these 'symptoms' start happening around you two?"

He hissed through teeth. ''I-I don't know..I-I think maybe it started halfway through last year?? B-But lately i-ir's started to get a lot worse ever since we had a little-..." He still remembered how soft Y/n's lips we- "*AHEM!!* A l-little incident l-last Christmas!"

Sonia blinked at his sudden high pitched tone and the fact his face turned an embarrassed red in less than five seconds. It made both brows raise. "...An incident?" Leon felt himself gulp under her intense gaze as she narrowed her eyes and leaned across the table to stare him down. "And what kind of 'incident' was this Leon?"

...he gulped down feeling like it was trying to swallow a lump of frozen cactus in his throat. "HAHA!! S-S-So funny story! L-Last Christmas we were j-just c-c-casually hanging out as JUST FRIENDS!! ONLY FRIENDS!! B-But then she slipped o-on some ice a-a-and I caught h-her but then I slipped and I uh...he winced..W-Well...I uh.." He shrunk, body curling in on himself the longer Sonia's piercing gaze stared right through him. "I-...M-Might have hit her mouth..wi-with m-m-my face-

"You kissed someone?"

What followed was Leon giving off a noise sounding something between a wet meowth's screech and a started stantler bleat startling the scientist for a minute. "W-W-WHAT!? NO!!" He shouted WAY too quickly!! "...I-I mean n-no! I didn't-...We didn't-...I-IT WASN'T A KISS, SONIA!!"

"Did your lips touch hers?"

"Um..W-Well I mean-"

"And you're 'symptoms' have been worse since it happened?"

"Maybe there was a bit of an-"

"Then it's simple. You obviously have the hots for someone and you're totally embarrassed you kissed her."

Another meowth-stantler bleat- "S-S-SONIA!! D-DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT!!"

"Why not? That's obviously what's going on, you just couldn't see it. Y'know that's another thing you and Hop have in common."

"I just- ..You are-...I didn't-...RRRRR!!!" His red face was introduced to the inside of his hat as he loudly gave off a flustered yell. "I-I came so you could help me figure out what's wrong with me! Not t-t-tease me like we both kids again!"

"Leon. I'm not teasing you. Far from it."...He slowly looked up to give her a deadpanned look but she seriously shook her head and smiled. "I'm really not. In fact it's honestly really sweet you like someone! That isn't something to be ashamed about."

"Hmph! I b-beg to differ. Y/n's just a friend-"

"*GASP!!*" Her eyes widened again as she stared at him and he immediately wanted to slap himself- "You like Y/n!!" Her eyes got even WIDER!! "YOU TWO KISSED!?"

"ARCEUS SONIA BE QUIET!!", he shouted back in a panic, "I-I don't need all of Postwick awake for that!!"

"Sorry," she apologized but that didn't stop her surprised look, "But you like Y/n!? I never would've expected that!" he groaned and went to re-hide his fa- "Hey, hey, hey! There's nothing wrong with liking her, Lee!" She assured him quickly. "Y/n's a really nice person! I just never would've expected you to like her."

"Yeah? Well that makes t-two of us," he mumbled. He...LIKED you? Like..THAT!? NO WAY!! T-There's just no possible way he could..Right? But then again, Sonia's a girl and she's really smart so if she says so then maybe there's a chance he could "UGH!!" He facepalmed himself. "Well what do I do now!?"

"Just talked to her."

Another pokemon noise- "WHAT!?" He gawked at her like she had suddenly grown another head. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!"

"Why not? You can't just keep letting this eat you up like this. Talking to her would help clear up the air between you two and make you feel better. Who knows? Maybe she even feels the same way."

"WHAT!? No way-"

"You can't say that when you DON'T know," she interrupted him, "Did you even ask her?"

"I-..*sigh* Well no. She never brought up the ki-..Incident so I fi-figured she didn't want to-to talk about it anymore or just forgot i-it even happened."

"Or maybe she does feel the same way but you're disregarding that." he remained silent and she sighed. "You came to me for help. My advice is to just talk to her. She's not a bad person and I'm sure she'd understand. But it's up to you to do whatever with the advice I gave you." She smiled. "I'm sure you'll make the right choice though. Just think it over."

Well he DID think it over. A lot. He had a lot of time to. When he was planning the tournament he thought about it. When he was doing favors for the Chairwoman he thought about it. When he was finished and the Chairwoman wanted him to personally deliver all the invites to everyone he thought about it. When he went to Postwick to deliver his family's and friends' invites he thought about it. When he didn't find you at his house and was surprised to have learnt you moved into Old Man Harry's old house he thought about it. When he walked to your new house he thought about it. When he knocked on your door he thought about it. When you answered he thought about it. When you blinked surprised to see him he thought about it.

"Leon?"

"Um...H-Hi, Y/n. Sorry to drop in unannounced like this b-but can I come in. There's uh...something I'd like to talk to you about."

[witflitmanict]

I'm Still Here

Did you think I had left and given up already? I wouldn't blame you if you did. I made a plan and followed it for approximately three days and then...nope. Finished. 

Typical. I actually have been writing. I just have not completed anything. Or managed to get anything over 1000 words. So nothing has been posted because I wasn't hitting my goal. See? This is the problem with rules and regulations, they always end up hindering me... The reason I have not finished much is twofold: First, I have somehow gotten stupidly busy. My schedule went from "guess I'll be having a boring and also slightly poor October" to "and now every day of your calendar is filled with an obligation or two that shall take up all your time either attending them or preparing to attend them." It is possible that had I thought a few seconds ahead I would have realized that this is the case, but thinking ahead is not a strong point of mine. Second, I have been inexplicably tired. Actually it is not really inexplicable. It is just that the tiredness comes in starts and stops just as suddenly, which feels inexplicable. The tiredness has meant a lot of laying in bed trying to sleep which is another thing I am not good at as you may recall. This has meant less time to actively write. And so, like many writers out there, I have not managed to finish a single thing I am working on. And perhaps worse, none of them are even in a place where I could split them to post something on here...they are very, very much in progress. 

I am trying my best, my friend. 

I suppose there is a third reason that I should mention. It is the other thing that makes it very hard. 

You see I am very much in a rut. I think it could be argued that in most of my life I have felt in a rut, but for most of my life I have at least had an inkling of an idea of what to do next. That is not currently true. I think it has very much been untrue since around the time I turned 30, possibly even a bit earlier than that. I had a life goal that was not very glamorous I think, although it was very exciting, and I achieved it. And I enjoyed it, but I knew fairly early on that it was not going to be what I did for the rest of my life. 

My life goal was set at a very young age and it is one that I know many people who come from the sorts of places like I did share. It is a very common trope anyways. Person from a small town and a difficult family dreams of leaving and never coming back. I think perhaps the only thing that makes my situation a little unique is that I knew this was my goal from the time I was about 8 years old. I said as much to my mother, standing in the kitchen while my siblings argued over who would get to inherit the house when we grew up. I  happily told my mother I had no need to join in this argument because I would leave as soon as I could and not come back. 

And that is precisely what I did. I left to go to college and I never returned…

Ok not really. I did leave for college, and was gone for two years. But then I got horribly depressed and could not find my way out of a paper bag, and so I returned for the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year in college. It was not a great summer, but I (and my mother) made it through, and thankfully it was short, and so I left again…only to return for about a month after I graduated. This time it was more of a timing thing, but also…I was still definitely depressed.

But I did eventually make it work. I moved abroad at 23, and stayed abroad for a little over 8 years. Each time I succeeded in something I gave myself a new goal: travel to different countries, move to a different country, get a job as something other than an English teacher, create a potentially permanent life for yourself…

I did all that. By the time I was 30 I had lived in two different countries, traveled to about 25, gotten a job at an international school as a regular classroom teacher (what I had actually gone to school for…) and created a great support group that included friends, partners, and a fulfilling life.

And almost simultaneously my health was failing. Truthfully there were signs of it before I ever left: migraines that would last for days without relief until they simply ended on their own. Suicidal thoughts that sometimes turned towards action but never a full plan. Constant trips to the hospital for injuries I got doing fairly regular things. But I had been raised to not put any stock into these sorts of things and encouraged to figure it out on my own.

It will come as a surprise to no one that I had a full breakdown around 27. I did it alone in a foreign country, and came out of it alright, albeit with a bi-polar (II) diagnosis, and an action plan. So I packed up again and moved to a new city with a new job and some new meds. And while in the process of this I experienced near daily pain that eventually hospitalized me for a week when my system shut down and rejected anything put in it. Food, water, medication…it was not a fun time. 

And so I was diagnosed with celiacs and a soy allergy. And there was improvement after that. Until there wasn’t. Until the headaches returned, sometimes with nerve pain in my hands or shoulders or neck that was so severe that I could not move and would lay in agony or cry at my desk when my students were gone. Then I began to get sick any time I exercised, unable to breath, vomiting, or nearly collapsing in pain. I have always been active - martial arts, snowboarding, skateboarding, running…it is part of how I keep my mental health. So when I lost it, my mental health rapidly deteriorated too. Breakdowns, depression, panic attacks and rage returned and I began to only see a vague haze around me in my life in Japan. On the one hand, I loved it. It looked neat and tidy and likely enticing from afar. On the other hand I was miserable. I hated my existence and could not see any way of making it work. I could not find the next step because as far as I could tell any new step might put me at risk of not making it.

And then there was home, and all that was happening there. It is one thing to dream about leaving your family, and it is another thing to actually do it. Should you make that choice, you may find that it is hard to watch them fall apart and put themselves back together, only to fall apart again, when you are so far away and there is little you can do. 

So, I came back. 

And it is not a decision I regret. It was the right decision. But just as I knew my life in Japan was not what I had hoped it would be - the line at the end of the race - I know this is not right either. 

And so I have been a bit frozen. Unable to finish what I started this month as I wrestle with what the next, correct, step is.

So forgive me, gentle friend. I have good intentions, but sometimes life gets in the way. 

(1328)

[notasimpleslater]

I've been going back and rereading all of the articles that have come out since this whole mess began (at least the verified ones- TMZ, ET, the like) and while we're all on the same page that 99% of these sources are actually personal representatives from Ari/Ethan's teams to try and spin the whole story in their favour, I simply cannot believe how bad of a job they're doing of it, especially since Scooter Braun, the apparent ringleader of all of this, is so famous for controlling media -

-narratives for his clients. It truly seems to me that the PR teams would look at how people reacted to what was put out that day and then essentially try and say the opposite when the reaction wasn't good trying to win back public favour, and it wasn't even well hidden or disguised; I feel like literally everyone in the world can see what's going on and that everything that has come out from these 'sources' is nothing but damage control and trying to get a handle on the public's reaction. - -Ethan and Ari are dating, but the public reaction is bad? Ok, we'll say that they're on opposite sides of the country and can't see each other. People are calling that BS? Okay, they're still super in love and want to be together and would 'be seen together tomorrow' if they could be. The public think's that's gross and crass? Okay, they're 'taking amicable time apart'. People are ridiculing them for blowing up their families only to break up a few weeks after it goes public? Okay, their- -relationship is 'still progressing'. What's that? People are poking holes in that story? Okay, they actually haven't seen each other in weeks. What I'm saying is that it seems that they're waiting to see what the general consensus is and then crafting their story around that, which is unintentionally muddying the timeline even more and making them look worse. I don't appreciate how they keep treating us like we're stupid- at this point literally everybody knows that Ari's team- -if not also Ethan's is behind every 'source' coming out, though I will say it's interesting how every 'source' is going above and beyond to paint Ariana in this wonderful, gracious light and talk her up while sort of shitting on Ethan, but anyways. The mature, responsible thing to do (since they're claiming thats' what they're TRYING to do) would be for Ethan and/or Ari to come out and make a statement. But instead their PR teams think they can just trick us into believing what they want us to- -regardless of how unrealistic or unbelievable or outright easily disproven their version of events are. And at the end of the day, I'd expect this from the Grande camp but for all of Ethan's social justice and uprightism that he's displayed on social media I would hope that he wouldn't be content to just sit back and watch this all play out. I understand he may be limited on what he can/can't say and that he's got bigger priorities, but one word from him would reassure me that he hasn't just- -completely given into the Hollywood of it all and that he isn't just fine with everything that's been going on, so long as he gets what he wants.

Thank you for this ask, anon!

You're so right about how everyone can see right through these "sources" that are so clearly damage control. But I think it might be all Ari's team because 1. these articles keep making Ethan look worse, and 2. I don't think Ethan's team has as much power over the media as Ari's does. I think if anything Ethan's team is just advising him to keep quiet until further notice, and unlike certain people (*cough cough* Colleen *cough cough*) he's actually listening to that advice and not making the situation worse. And like I said in another post, he's gonna be in a big Broadway revival this fall, so he can't keep hiding forever. (I don't think Hollywood is gonna change his sense of social justice. This whole year he was reposting activism posts to his stories, and in the days leading up to the news breaking he was reposting stuff about WGA and SAG-AFTRA)

And yeah, I've said it from the very beginning that this whole situation has been handled so poorly. There's been so many differing timelines presented, and there's some things that I'm pretty the tabloids are just straight out making up. I'm honestly at the point where a part of me wants to just move on from this and enjoy watching Ethan in his "Spamalot" era, and the other part really wants more answers.

[photographertherapistblogger2]

So today I'm feeling a little emotional and I'm thinking about the baby i lost and its just hit my like a smack in the face, honestly all I want right now is my baby back and I know I can't so I'm writing it here to let it all go. I mean honestly after everything I've been through. Obviously the labour was horrid knowing my baby was dead and since leaving the hospital its been nothing but disappointment. When I left the hospital it was one of the hardest things I will ever do and I will regret it for the rest of my life. It hurt soo much to be with him but knowing what's happened since I know now I should of stayed longer and spent more time with him. I had my baby on 14th January and I still don't have his ashes back home with me.

Honestly I kinda feel like I was left to my own devices and unless I messaged them they wouldn't check up on me. You'd think like a support worker they would have certain people to deal with set amount of people so no one is left out etc. The community midwives were brilliant but can only stay if I have complications which I totally get. I have been left always chasing things up. Obviously my baby had to have a post mortem and they said he should be back after 3 weeks and they would give me details of cause of death but I haven't received anything. So I kept asking what was going on and finally got the news that we could have his funeral on the 10th march. I didn't know what to do and lead a hectic life so asked the Chaplin to help me. Yet I wasn't informed on what she was going to do or asked what was ok and what wasn't. So as the day got nearer I obviously became more stressed and anxious because I didn't actually want to say goodbye. So I held it all together because I knew that would be my day to finally let it all go.

So I did what I could to get childcare sorted for kids because it was an early and everything else to do with family. Anyway a day before my mom told me she couldn't come because of her legs which I can kinda understand because it was cold but when will she ever get chance to say goodbye to her grandson again, sorry but I feel that's abit selfish in my eyes, even if I'd had to have an operation I would of been there no matter what. Anyway the weather started getting bad etc and I started to worry because when we have snow everything here is at a standstill. So anyway the day comes and even though the weather was bad my dad still wanted to come etc. There were so many phone calls it was unreal. Anyway my Chaplin spoke to me on the phone and said she was going to rearrange his funeral due to the weather so I told everyone it was cancelled for them to call me an hour later about half an hour before his funeral saying it was still going ahead. At this point I was in the middle of asda shopping with my 2 daughters and I just broke down because I felt let down and honestly I hit breaking point with it all.

So at this point I knew I had to get home but couldn't just leave my essential items. Honestly this day will stuck in my head forever I was robbed of the chance to actually grieve and say a proper goodbye to my baby boy. I am and was beyond heartbroken. So I spoke to the Chaplin and she said I will video call you which because i had bad news about my brother I was so overwhelmed she said she would video it and to this day I can't watch it. So anyway since I gave birth to my son I kept asking for counselling on that situation because something like that sticks in your head and you need psychological help. Anyway I was told that I would be referred after his funeral and yet I'm still waiting to hear back off them. So after that ordeal my Chaplin said we will do a service for him I will collect his ashes and do a service at home and I'm still waiting for that too.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know people get busy but I should at least know what's going on and last week I wad distraught trying to get through to people that were away on holiday. I didn't know where my baby's ashes were so tried calling the crematorium and the funeral directors to get no joy. Anyway I had a phone call saying his ashes were still at the crem and that I can go collect them when I want but have to call them first. Anyway I couldn't get them so I got told the funeral directors would collect them but I need to sign a form which I did. That was last Tuesday and I still haven't got him back where he belongs. I'm beyond knowing what to do anymore and it's pushing me further over the edge. I just really need some support right now and guess what as usual there's no one here. Anyway I just needed to release all that hurt, distress and all the emotions of guilt and anger out back into the world because I just can't cope with it anymore.

[alaezasmystery235]

Hey ! So the reblog of your rant, and I painfully see my younger self in your post, so here I am.

TW : Mention of suicide (idea and attempt), physical threats, verbal abuse

I hope you're ok, or at least feeling better than you did in your post. I know I'm a anonymous voice on the internet, but I know what you've been through, you have no idea how much it resonate with me (the verbal abuse from a parent, and that feeling of infinite loneliness- I'm afraid a lot of us feel that way). So maybe I can offer you my wisdom, of how I didn't kill myself despite the many nights I wanted to do it.

I don't know about your situation (familial or financial). But know that your mother has absolutely NO RIGHT to talk to you like that. It doesn't matter whether she's your mom or not, NO ONE should talk like that to someone else EVER. Again, I don't know what your situation is (if you live with her, if you can financially support yourself etc...) but, if that kind of abuse is common no matter how hard you try to tell her to stop, and if you have the opportunity to do it, get the f*** away from her. Again, it doesn't matter if she's your mom or not. If she keeps bringing you down to the point you want to kill yourself, she's not a positive influence in your life, probably won't ever be, and you don't need her.

I know it's easier said than done, believe me. My dad's like that. (Sorry in advance of rambling) I was never enough (too fat, not good enough grades, not "feminine" enough,...). No matter how hard I tried to please him, it was NEVER good enough. What happened was, when I did good, he "dismiss" me, telling me I was doing that for myself, when I had a hard time (failing medecine, being too depressed and anxious about my future to do anything), he put me through hell (threatening me to beat me up, not taking my defense when my mom did hit me "I'll do to you worse than she did", telling me to cut my throat quickly so he "doesn't have to suffer".) Ok, that kind of shit. And at a point, I just had enough ( when he told me to kill myself because I ate some chocolate destined for his friends - no, not joking). I never cried as hard as I did that night. My whole body was shaking like crazy, as I kept thinking about what he told me, about the want of actually doing it because I've had enough of the pain. The worse part ? He didn't tell me that when he was screaming at me for eating those STUPID chocolates. He told me that while I was shaking and crying in bed, in a really soft voice. And that was it. That was when I realized that no matter how hard I tried to tell him his words hurt me deeply, he would never listen to me. And at that time, I was tired of doing nothing of my life, and of building myself up every week after his harsh words or passive aggressive comments (like the facts my friends, in college, were mocking me because I didn't succeed right away). So I decided to stop seeing him, plain and simple. I took advantage of the fact that my parents were divorcing and stop going to his place when it was his week. I told him that I was tired to be shout at every time I go there, so I wouldn't come. And I blocked him absolutely everywhere (phone, mails,...). And it was hard, I'm not gonna lie and tell you it isn't hard. He's an asshole, but he stays my father, and I was heartbroken to cut him off because he kept dragging me down. I dreamed of him a lot the first couple of months. After that, I alternated period where I felt like a badass, and period where I was asking myself if I've made the right choice. Luckily, I've written a list of every awful stuff he did or say to me when I was depressed. Every time I've doubted, I look at the list and reminded myself that I've made the right choice. And girl, I did. It was really the right choice. I improved so much when I stopped talking to him. It was hard, because for every new things I tried, I kept hearing his voice telling me I was messing up, I wasn't enough... Eventually, I learned to tell that voice to f*** o**. And I stopped looking at the list a couple of months ago. It took me three years to get rid of the guilt, when I realized that since I was gone, he was putting my younger siblings through the same shit. My younger sister even felt suicidal and did an attempt when she was fucking 12.

Conclusion : always choose yourself, and trust your gut. If you don't feel good in this situation, no matter what you tell yourself to convince yourself the situation is normal, then you need to get out. It's hard as f***, but it's doable. And you'll be alright at the end.

Thank you for reaching out to me . Somehow it felt a knowing sense that I'm not alone , who is / has facing this situations . Tbh when your own family members do shit like this , it hurts so so bad . But what happened you can't change it . So the only option is to move on and have hope that every thing will come good at the end. Thank you for sharing your story , it means a lot to me 🫂💖.