#* but he's at his core a pretty selfish person. and also a hypocrite

[phantasmaw]

♢* —  @saintsdawn /  𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫

〈 ✥ *〉┊   Sweat and disquiet prickle down the nape of the wayward knight’s neck as his chest heaves with great gasps of breath. Aching arms hold his greatsword aloft, the sharp end of its heavy-weighted blade pointing down towards the ground. Right now, it is not a sword so much as a shield. As he fights to catch his breath, he stares, unblinking, over the ornately carved hilt. When his gaze catches Florence’s, his heart drops somewhere down into his stomach. It’s almost enough to have slightly trembling fingers uncurl from around the handle. Almost. 

    It’s not the first time the other knight has been on the opposite end of his blade. They both have needs to meet, separate paths to follow; sometimes, those paths cross on rocky terrain. Those instances have always been few and far between, and any harm done dissipated in the frothing foam of shared drinks and, if called for, needlework on battle-worn skin. The tension that existed before lives now only in memory. He would have even argued no tension existed at all. A bit of healthy rivalry, certainly. But never any true ill-will, nor any personal grievance. 

     Until now. 

     “Flo,” he drawls the other’s nickname as casually as he typically would when greeting them, albeit with far more rasp. He even grins as he usually would. Or he tries to. He’s entirely certain his good eye does not light up with warm comradery as it normally would when they join him inside a dingy tavern or take his side in a petty squabble among the other wayfarers. But it’s the least he can do to show he won’t turn the deadly slant of the blade upon them. Not yet. It’s a precaution, to have a weapon as strong as this to buffer the tides of crackling uncertainty between the two of them. He swallows, the tendons of his neck straining to work past the lump of dread forming in the middle of his throat. He hates that, in the moment, their name feels foreign in his mouth. Like he’s not quite sure how it should sound when shaped by his voice. 

      Feris takes an experimental step to the side, boxing himself further out of reach. He lowers his greatsword out of an actively readied position, but doesn’t yet murmur the spell that would store it away. He can’t. He can’t. It would make him an incredible ally to cast aside his means of protection and shout their praises for such a definitive end of that grueling battle against such a harrowing foe. They’ve saved the two of them countless wounds and fatigue. He should be slinging an arm over their shoulders and laughing between wheezing breaths about how they should have pulled those stops a long time ago. But doing so would also make him a gargantuan fool. 

      “....I’m not going to ask you to explain,” he says between heavy breaths, and he can’t hide the slight quaver of his voice. He shouldn’t be saying this to them. While they haven’t exactly bared their souls to each other, they also aren’t strangers keeping poison-coated secrets in the dark. Now is the time to offer an open hand. To assure them that he understands the burden of cryptic and coveted power. To say that, while he cannot begin to fathom where that surge of destruction came from, he does not fear it. Not when it’s their hands wielding it. Yet he does not. Self-preservation demands nothing less than the possible burning of this bridge he’s only halfway crossed in finding who he believes could be a true friend. And so self-resentment for it stains the inside of his mouth with a bitter taste as, instead, he intones, “But I do need to ask you to tell me just how long you’ve been capable of doing… that.”

[nav-i-nav]

Actually, while we are at it, can we talk about how awful a lot of the fanbase treats Basil? My man can’t catch a break because almost everyone misinterprets him one way or another.

Where do I even start? Literally everything he does is taken the wrong way. There’s the people who characterize him as an obsessive yandere who only cares about Sunny and did everything in his power to isolate him. On the other hand, we have people who just remove one of the basic core aspects of him as a whole and make him an empty husk with no real personality.

Headacanon him however you want, but also try to understand him? I don’t know how people can say he only cares about Sunny when it’s clear he deeply appreciates his friends. He has a stronger bond with Sunny, but that doesn’t mean he’s a possessive and obsessed person who is toxic.

He definitely fucked up along the way, but his actions were never intended to hurt Sunny intentionally. He was in a panic and all he wanted was to keep his best friend safe. People constantly treat him as he’s a disgusting person for simple fact he shows mental illness signs, which is incredibly disheartening because there IS people in real life who act this way and can’t help it! What a relief it is to know people will treat me or my friends like this if we dare show an ounce of distress or panic!

Being mentally ill does not justify your actions, but this also doesn’t mean you are allowed to treat people who suffer from them like scum. People like Basil deserve to get help, to have people who support them so they can start healing. Basil clearly didn’t have that support, the only person that was there for him being his bedridden grandmother who he eventually lost.

And on the other hand, we have people who just choose to get rid of Basil’s personality altogether and characterise him as this character who is all suffering and trauma based off things that are NOT canon. It’s true that Basil’s life doesn’t exactly fit a “normal” childhood (having to live with his grandmother for unknown reasons) but that doesn’t immediately mean he is beyond traumatized? Basil is a little shy, sure, but a lot of people are. Basil used to be a smart and lively kid who loved his friends dearly. It wasn’t until AFTER the incident that he spiralled to the point he is where we see him in game.

People either disregard his trauma and paint him as a villain (let’s make one thing clear, there are NO villains in OMORI), or try to give him even more trauma for no apparent reason. All we know is that his parents aren’t really present in his life, and while that may bring some issues, from what we can see in cutscenes and the photo album, Basil lived a comfortable life surrounded by a loving family member and friends who cared about him.

You are free to explore Basil’s character however you like, but there’s a point where it no longer feels like Basil.

There is nothing wrong with showing his gentle side, just as how there’s nothing wrong to explore his unhealthy behaviour. But focusing on only one of the aspects of his entire self just turns him into a one-dimensional character with no redeemable qualities.

In my opinion, Basil is one of the best examples of a person struggling with mentally illness in media, yet people choose to ignore the complexity of his character to have either a selfish and dangerous yandere or a cute and shy femboy who’s only there to look pretty.

Write him like the mess he is. He is unstable. He is resentful, he is paranoid. That’s what makes Basil’s character so loved. That’s what makes him feel so relatable and human. Ignoring one side of his self takes away all of that. OMORI is a game about acceptance and forgiving. Why shouldn’t we apply those terms to their characters? It’s rather hypocritical for the fanbase to treat Sunny as a poor boy who only did what he did due to stress and trauma and then mark Basil as a psychopath with no redeemable features as if he wasn’t also a scared child who witnessed his very best friend push his sister down the stairs.

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[beskarhearts]

Tangled (Javier Peña x reader)

Pairing: Javier Peña x gn!reader

Word count: over

Warnings: lots of cursing (reader has the mouth of a sailor), a little ~steaminess~, mentions of canon typical violence/getting shot, sexual tension

Summary: You and Peña were no strangers to being at each others throats but this argument went a little different than any other had.

Notes: This was cliche and self indulgent but I loved it and I hope you do too. Let me know your thoughts and opinions!! (also probably not going to turn this into a series but it isn't impossible ig)

________________

You charged towards the file room, feeling every ounce of your body flooded with anger as Murphy trailed after you, pitifully trying the stop the damage that was just about to occur.

"It didn't come from a bad place!"

You sporadically came to a halt, turning on your heels and pointing a finger right in Murphy's face, who had nearly crashed into you at your sudden movement. "Don't you dare try to justify this!"

Murphy's face was crumpled into a hesitant type of acceptance, still following you as you continued walking towards the file room, your anger radiating even in each harsh step you took. Once you reached the door, you slammed it open and nearly crashed it into Murphy as you threw it shut again, your eyes trained on the man you were directing every angry, foul thought at.

"Javier Peña, you fucking asshole!" you yelled, your pointer finger now directed at him as he turned to face you. You felt even angrier when he appeared to look at you tiredly at first, face twisted into an expression that perfectly read 'What now?' It didn't change until he registered your rigid body language and the way your face was a shade darker and your brows that were scrunched up.

Then his face dropped slightly and he looked over your shoulder at Murphy, who looked like a kicked puppy with the way he seemed to cower behind you. "You told her?"

Murphy winced slightly, trying to shrug away his concerns but his voice coming out empathetic. "She kind of interrogated me."

"Yeah. Y'know, because interrogations are part of the job!" you spat, eyes shooting venom at the brown-eyed DEA agent that stood in front of you.

He dropped the file he had held in his hand back in a box, placing his newly unoccupied hands on his hips and sending you a plain look. "Listen, it was nothing-"

"You know what else is part of my job, Peña?" you interrupted, allowing him no room to throw around pitiful remarks and false explanations of why what he did was okay. "Let me tell you since you have clearly forgotten: part of my job is catching the bad guys. Meaning I am fully capable of being on the field and getting my hands dirty!"

You took in a deep breath, your whole body feeling like it was on fire from the rage coursing through your veins. Peña let out a small sigh, rubbing at his face and his mustache as he looked at you through half-lidded eyes. "I know."

You let out an agitated huff, throwing your hands up and looking over at Murphy, as if saying 'get a load of this guy'. You turned back to the DEA agent, clasping your hands together. "Let me get this clear then. You are aware that is part of my job. And that this fucking case has become my whole entire life. Yet you neglect to notify me that tomorrow you are going to arrest one of these motherfuckers and don't put me on the God damn team!"

You probably should of quieted down. Surely people could hear you outside the thin walls of the room you were in but you paid no attention to that. Hell, let them gather outside the door and listen to how much of an asshole Javier fucking Peña was. It wasn't like they hadn't heard you two bicker and yell at each other before - it was practically a daily occurrence. You were always at each others throats and the smallest thing could tick you guys off but today was different. Today your anger was completely justified and directed at the exact right person.

"Why don't we all calm down and talk this over calmly?" Steve gently tried to suggest, always the voice of reason during times like these. Sometimes you would entertain his ideas but today was not one of those days.

"Fuck off, Murphy!" you snapped.

Peña redirected his attention to the blond-haired agent. "Give me a minute."

"Oh, you are going to try to magically explain this one away?" you ridiculed as Murphy left the room quietly, shutting the door gently and leaving you two alone.

Javier looked back at you, looking calm as ever and unaffected in every way. It only made your blood bubble even more and as he spoke, you felt your whole body clench up. "You need to calm down."

You hissed at that comment, literally hissed. "Oh, fuck off! You have no right to tell me to calm down. If somebody did this to you, you'd be tearing into their ass and acting like a bitch."

Javier couldn't argue that point, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only was it true, but there was no way he could convince you it wasn't. It also was probably the worst thing to say in this given situation, always was something that tipped you off.

"I mean, the fucking audacity you have is unbelievable. Truly impressive." you started to ramble, still sending a deadly glare his way. "You think you are hot shit because you are Javier Peña and you are a DEA agent and the fucking man whore of Columbia. But I am just as good as you, Peña. Hell, I am probably fucking better!"

"You are right."

You froze as you heard his agreement, biting your lip as you tried to detect whether or not that was meant to be some sarcastic play to rile you up. But it appeared genuine which only confused you further. "Then why am I being excluded from extremely important events?"

"It's dangerous." Peña answered plainly, adding no additional details as if that was enough.

You scoffed, tilting your head at him. "No shit, Peña. No offense but no one becomes a DEA agent because it is a safe, secure job. So that doesn't explain why I wasn't included in this."

Peña shook his head, leaning against the rack of files as he looked back at you. You wanted to force him to look away, his stare making you uncomfortable but there was no way you were backing down. "It does. This one is particularly dangerous and I don't want you involved."

Your eyes widened as you took in this new information. "Oh, so you think I can't handle myself?"

"I never said that-"

"I can handle myself, Peña. I am a fucking adult and not to sound cocky, but a hell of a fucking agent. I am capable and I am strong!"

"I know."

"And I can handle this mission."

"I know."

"Then why the fuck did I have to find out from Murphy that I am not joining you guys tomorrow?" you yelled, feeling your body become slightly fatigued from all the anger but you still stood straight and tall.

"Because you care too much and you'll get yourself killed if that means nailing these guys." Peña said plainly. No hint of emotion or manipulation. Just an honest answer to an honest question.

You found yourself for the first time not feeling angry but slight bamboozled. It felt like the rug had been pulled under your feet. You were standing across fucking Javier Peña, who you were pretty sure had never seen take a single day off. "That is the most hypocritical thing I've ever heard."

Peña nodded. "Okay."

You rolled your eyes, feeling once again angry by the dismissal. "Well fuck off because I spoke to everybody and I am on the team tomorrow."

You began to turn towards the exit when the man firmly stated, "No."

You turned back around, an eyebrow raised. "Excuse the fuck outta me?"

"I'm in charge tomorrow and you aren't on." Peña said, a sliver of annoyance eeking out of his words as he looked back at you with a stern glare.

"Fuck off. If I want to go, I'll go." you fired back, arms crossing over your chest defiantly.

Peña stepped closer to you until he was a couple feet away, his voice lowering to a menacingly deep level. "I don't want you on tomorrow."

Your eyes were practically shooting bullets in his direction. "I know you don't fucking like me Peña, but stop acting like a school boy and get your head out of your ass."

"Maybe you are the one with your head up your ass, agent." Peña cooly said.

You tried to ignore the way he was looking at you (and the way you could smell his aftershave from here) and put your hands on your hips. "Fuck you, Peña. You don't want me on tomorrow because I am a better agent than you, you selfish prick."

"That isn't it." Peña said with a chuckle, shaking his head as if you were saying the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

"It fucking is, isn't it? You don't want me strolling into your operation and doing the job better than you. Can't have your huge fucking ego tarnished by me!"

"That is not the reason why!" Peña shouted back, feeling himself lose his temper slightly.

This was the Peña you were used to, the one you egged on and led into a battle of cruel words and hateful glares. "Oh, fuck off. That is absolutely why!"

"Maybe, just fucking maybe-" Peña cut himself off, his chest now heaving as he copied your pose, hands on his hips and body stood straight.

You couldn't help the small grin that grew on your face. "What is it, Peña? Say it. Don't punk out now when things were just getting interesting."

"You are a child." Peña spat back.

You chuckled harshly. "Look in the mirror before you start throwing insults around, Peña. Now what were you going to say?"

Peña stared back at you, your eyes locked together in a visceral manner. "I don't want you to fucking die."

You couldn't help the throaty laugh that erupted from your very core, your head thrown back as you looked away from him for the first time to try to gather your composure. "Oh, fucking please! Spare me. You have never given a shit for me!"

Peña shook his head, looking slightly deflated as he looked away from you. "Fuck off."

"Oh, don't act like that. I am just supposed to stand here and believe that this whole time you've secretly cared about my safety and you don't have me on the operation tomorrow in order to keep me safe?"

Peña looked back up at you and you nearly wavered from the look in his eyes. You couldn't handle it if it were the truth, which the look he gave you said it was, so you continued on doing what you did best. "I don't need anybody to protect me. Certainly not you, Javier Peña."

"I'm not trying to protect you."

You lifted up a hand emphatically. "So you didn't not put me on this because you don't want me to die?"

"Fucking hell, you are so frustrating." Peña yelled back, face red and eyes throwing daggers as he stepped even closer to you.

You didn't dare take a single step back. You would show no fear or weakness. "And you are such a walk in the park? I forgot about how the man-whore of Columbia was always just a pleasant-"

You were cut off by Peña lunging forward and for a split second you thought 'Oh, shit. I'm gonna have to kick Peña's ass.' That was until you felt a pair of rough, chapped lips press into yours mercilessly and a pair of calloused hands grab at the side of your face.

You stood still for a solid few seconds, your brain seeming to short-circuit until it slowly registered the undeniable truth of the situation: Javier Peña was fucking kissing you.

Well then push him off of you!

Except you didn't. For all intents and purposes, you should have. You should of shoved him off of you, yelled at him for trying to pull his 'sex god' card on you, and maybe even delivered a striking slap to his face, just for dramatic effect. But you didn't. You stood there completely still until eventually your hands reached for the collar of his jacket, roughly pulling him in until he was pressed so tightly to you that you didn't think there was an centimeter of distance between the two of you.

You felt him turn you, pushing you back until your back hit the same file cabinet he had been leaning against earlier. Your lips finally caught up with the rest of you, lips fighting dominantly against each other in a frantic battle. It probably wasn't the prettiest kiss but holy shit, you couldn't think of a time you had been kissed like this. The kiss was so striking but also so passionate, both of you fighting each other in the most deliriously addictive way. You couldn't ignore the smallest voice in the back of your brain asking you why you hadn't done this way earlier.

Eventually your tongues danced against each other, begging for even the smallest taste of each other like you were both addicts craving even the slightest taste from the bottle. His hands drifted away from your face to your hips, clutching them roughly and tightly but not hurting you in any way. Just gripping hard enough for you to feel them and feel the emotion.

Eventually, after what felt simultaneously likes hours but also mere seconds, Peña pulled away and holy fuck, how did he look so good? His lips were puffed and red, slightly wet from the sloppiness of the kiss. His eyes were hooded and looking at you in a way he had before but you had never been able to place, always mistaking the lustiness for hatred (and hold up, had it just been lust this whole time?). His jacket was still clutched tightly in your hands and you should of let go. Anyone could walk in and see him standing up against you on a shelf with your faces red and chests heaving but you couldn't even bother to care, your brain still reeling and your body betraying you, yearning for more.

"I'm going tomorrow." you said, still slightly out of breath.

Peña sighed, his warm breath fanning over you and smelling slightly of mint gum and stale cigarettes. "I know you are."

You nodded, glad to see his slow acceptance creep in. You slowly released the jacket, looking at how it had crinkled from how tightly you had pulled him to you. He backed up slowly, one small step at a time as his eyes still traced each others faces.

Part of you wanted to reach out and kiss him again, fight with him again in the most delicious way but the door opened and you both turned to see the tall, blond-haired agent you had both become closer with than you initially thought possible.

"Have you guys killed each other?" he asked, trying to joke but also hesitant to with how foul your mood had been.

You desperately pulled away from the shelf and shook your head, though not to answer him but in some desperate attempt to try to shake away the evidence of what just happened (despite the fact that it was imprinted on your mind). "No. I'm going tomorrow."

Murphy shared a weary look with Peña who just gave a short nod and began to walk towards the exit. "She comes. If she gets shot, its not my problem."

You and Murphy both watched him slip past, moving out of the room and down the hall, away from you. Murphy twisted his head to look back at you, shaking his head. "Based off his behavior, I'd say that went well." he sarcastically mumbled.

You tried to chuckle but it sounded fake and hollow, your mind too preoccupied. "Yeah. Super well."

Murphy gave a roll of the eyes, used to the two of you being frustrated with the other as he slipped away from the doorway. You followed him as you made your way out of the room, the room where you still comprehend what exactly had happened in it. "You must of really went after each other this time."

You nearly choked at Murphy's quip, your mind taking a moment to realize he was speaking rhetorically about your arguing. He had no way to know the violent dance your lips had done or the way you both had perfectly expressed arousal and hatred with your tongues alone.

You just hummed, pushing past Murphy to head to your desk so you could work and just forget what had happened. Forget it because it meant nothing.

[ruby-whistler]

a complete list of my writing and analysis

[ updated: 29/08/2021 ]

PSA's and the like:

- therapy vs. emotional support - on excusing c!tommy's actions because of ptsd - static vs. dynamic characters on the dream smp (outdated) - important things to keep in mind during analysis and discussions - characters aren't synonymous with their past actions - the dehumanization of c!dream in the dsmp fandom - tag your positive posts! / tag your crit! - welcome to dreblr - the unofficial guide

memes and joke posts:

- what freaks out the dream smp fandom - c!karl & c!dream my beloveds <3 - dream apologist vibes - scratch that no vibes send help - the "i'm you" c!ranboo bit is beginning to make a lot more sense - "fighting with words" and "talking with violence" on the smp - the fandom's both biased and hypocritical apparently - *casually hates on l'manberg again* - "why are you a dream apologist?" - "c!dream and techno are imminent threats" yeah sure- - the five stages of grief ft. ruby (3rd life smp ending) - hermits' vibes by ruby; the only trustworthy source of information /j - l'manberg weren't pacifists nor the victims in the war - ...so c!wilbur said c!dream apologists are partially right - it's "l'manberg" and i take no criticism - why are we here, just to suffer - why friend isn't in wilbur's limbo - look, i don't excuse c!dream's actions. ok maybe some of them- - c!everyone apologists are the best at analysis - apparently we have the most angst and hurt/comfort fanfic. Why - meme through the pain i want him back pls - dream apologists are an unstoppable force of nature - this is how endersmile happened, right - the only valid dsmp citizen meme - oh look i still follow booktubers - i want you all to suffer as much as i suffer dealing with you - i like c!dream for being horrible. fight me. // genuinely love him too - the l'manberg anti salt post - healing fics that remove a character's core trait are not good

creative essays and objective analysis:

- on villains, heroes, and the metanarrative of the dream smp - my perception of the dream smp story and the characters in it - putting ghostbur's death into context - an analysis of c!dream's motivation during the l'manberg war - on l'manberg and c!wilbur's "death of the author" - dehumanization and victim blaming of c!dream part one - please let people have feelings about minecraft rp - dehumanization and victim blaming of c!dream part two - the reasons for the dehumanization of c!dream - c!wilbur was sure as hell gonna be ambitious - c!dream cares about people so much he won't let them care back - why c!dream should (and probably will be) redeemed: an essay - short semi-factual analysis of the prison death scene - there's no redemption before healing - what happened to c!techno wasn't "peer pressure" (best post!) - a scene-by-scene analysis of the original disc war - on blaming characters for c!dream's neglect and abandonment - add-on to the previous point by me and @/simplepotatofarmer - l’manberg was nothing but something to sacrifice for [v. 2.0!] - metaphor on the nature of redemption in narratives - statement on c!dream, justification and sympathy - c!dream's actions aren't based on beliefs; they stem from mindsets - c!tommy didn't deserve exile and c!dream didn't deserve the prison - (c!)dream is afraid of death; a speculative essay - c!dream isn't selfish - c!dream cares even if it hurts him - saying c!dream / c!techno should've left l'manberg alone is naive - with c!techno, c!dream is allowed to be a person, above all else - c!dream isn't the "main villain" and he hasn't "hurt everyone" - saying c!dream never cared is a mischaracterization (by anon) - c!dream isn't manipulating c!ranboo, actually (collab post) - c!dream is very clearly hurt - his trauma isn't loud, but it's there - l'manberg was, without question, built on xenophobia - please listen to the writers of the story about the characters - roleplay is supposed to be collaborative, not pre-written - the dream smp also doesn't need a "lead writer" - the common misinterpretations of c!dream and why no one is right - final disc war analysis and why it makes no sense (by anon) - why i am so attached the c!dream's character - on healing, redemption, and forgiveness - c!dream killed c!tommy to prove he was worth keeping alive - the duel is an example of actions that speak louder than words - the themes of the story line up with c!techno's narrative - c!sam hurts c!dream out of hatred stemming from fear - c!dream in season one was an anti-hero - c!sapnap is a bad friend // and acts like a bad person // + el rapids - yes, morality is a sliding scale! ...they're still all in the grey area! - a c!dream redemption'd fit incredibly well with the story's themes - a pretty long list of loose ends in the dream smp's story - c!dream wasn't owed being cared about, but he was still alone - i love c!dream. he's important to me. and that's okay. - scar is so funny and entertaining and amazing i love watching him - there's a difference between "unrealiable narrator" and "liar" - don't cut the sharp edges off of characters - people have a "minecraft persona", which c!dream used to be - on c!dream's alleged obsession with c!tommy - colour coding in dsmp analysis - by coffee anon!

[buffysummers]

Why do you think people dislike/hate Xander's character so much? I think he may be the character who gets the most hate by the fandom not even Spike, The master nor The trio get the amout of cotroversy, criticism ad hate Xander gets

I don't really think The Master or The Trio are significant enough to the show to warrant the same amount of hate as Xander. Like, yes, Warren is the WORST, but he's not in that much of it. Xander is in every single episode of the show (except for one).

I can't speak for other people, but I don't necessarily hate Xander. He definitely grows as the series progresses, and he has some wonderful moments. But he definitely has a lot more shitty, selfish moments than all the other core scoobies. He is extremely petty and jealous. Him choosing to withhold the fact that Willow was working on restoring Angel's soul in "Becoming" was pretty unforgivable to me. Just... how cold and unsympathetic he was to the position Buffy was in. He just expected her to be able to kill Angel in the blink of an eye... He didn't care how deeply traumatic and painful it would be for Buffy to not only kill Angelus, but to kill Angel. He was literally just like: nah fuck that dude he got the girl and I didn't! Who cares if this emotionally devastates Buffy! She had PTSD for MONTHS after killing Angel, and years and years later, it still haunts her.

And the fact that seasons later, Xander is in almost the exact same situation as Buffy was, only this time it's reversed, and he is telling her she shouldn't kill Anya. You wanna know why? Because now this will hurt him, so he no longer cares about the Jenny Calendars of the world that Anya may kill because this time, his heart is on the line. And the Anya thing was even worse because she chose to become a demon again. Angel did NOT choose to lose his soul. So, when Buffy says she has to kill Anya, he attacks her? It's laughable how hypocritical he is in this episode. He lashes out at Buffy, calls her heartless and cold and accuses her of acting all superior and like she's the law? (She is the law tho but he was saying that to be a dick). This is in the final season of the show. So, despite some of Xander's finest moments (ie: picking up Buffy when she was feeling down in "The Freshman," bringing Willow back to herself in "Grave," lifting up Dawn when she feels insignificant in "Potential," and always being the first person to want to help and protect Buffy ["Prophecy Girl" is a great example]) it's kind of hard to overlook the bad things, because they're pretty... well, bad.

Xander's biggest crime according to fandom is simply being a teenage boy living in the '90s. He's misogynistic at times, tries to have his cake and eat it, too (dating Cordelia when he has feelings for both Buffy and Willow, and then later having an affair with Willow) and his masculinity is painfully fragile. I don't tend to hold those things against him as much as others, because I'd say he's a fairly accurate portrayal of a teenage boy, and well, they're kind of the worst.

As for Spike, it definitely isn't up for debate about who has said and done worse things. But Spike is a vampire and the audience expects Spike to behave that way. They also think he's sexy. If people find a character sexy, they can get away with murder, quite literally in Spike’s case. Maybe if Xander were prettier, he'd get more slack. But if he WERE more "conventionally" attractive, or had the bad boy vibe that’s Spike’s signature, his character wouldn't serve its purpose. We wouldn't be able to buy into his insecurities as easily. After all, Xander is Joss's self-insert, and so is Spike, but to a lesser degree.

[bigskydreaming]

what are your opinions on we are robin?

Massively complicated by the fact that DC's writers don't have an ACAB bone in their collective bodies.

Dunno how new to my blog you are and thus how familiar or not you are with my ACAB stance for Dick and my personal tendency to never acknowledge or interact with the specific idea of Dick as a cop...like there's more than enough material for me to work with without ever having to delve into that and I fundamentally believe being a cop is counter to everything I see as Dick's core premise and makes no sense given the specific origins and continuities I view as most 'him' -

But I WOULD have a lot of thoughts about how Dick would feel about this massive city-wide movement that he had no hand in creating and how he would inevitably feel personally responsible for every life to put on a facscimile of his family's costume AND the things they did in those costumes (such as the kid who was manipulated into killing someone while in that guise, per the Court of Owls' agenda).....

AND I would have a ton of thoughts about the fact that it was Alfred who secretly engineered this movement and how he of all people should know how Dick might feel about that, and thus how Dick WOULD feel about that information, but complicated and coupled with the fact that Alfred most certainly was motivated in part by his grief for Dick and seeing this as a kind of legacy, a way to honor his grandson, and able to justify to himself any transgressions towards Dick's feelings here with the idea that Dick wasn't alive TO be hurt by his actions here....

BUT the reason I avoid engaging with We Are Robin content beyond acknowledging it as Duke's origin story in the background of Duke content I write....

Is I absolutely can not - or more to the point - WILL NOT - attempt to justify Dick's decision to get all the kids arrested and locked up for their own safety while he went after the Court alone.

To be clear - I absolutely am of the opinion that Dick was and always will be right and justified in not wanting to see anyone get hurt in the colors and image of his family's legacy. That this has absolutely NOTHING to do with his impression of any such individual's competency, nor is it about trying to restrict their agency. That its wholly a PERSONAL thing for him, its a private instinct that is entirely reasonable and allowable, for him to have a kneejerk need to keep more people from dying or suffering in that specific mantle that he never intended to BE a legacy beyond just himself.

I headcanon that after Jason himself, nobody hated the memorial in the cave more than Dick, because the last image he had of his family was them lying dead on the ground of the circus ring, just broken bodies colored from high above in the classic Grayson colors and covered in blood. That THAT specifically is the image Dick so often saw in his nightmares in his early years in the Manor, that is the SPECIFIC visual Bruce so often comforted him about upon waking....and that it was a massive slap in the face and an indication of Bruce's most unfortunate tunnel-vision tendencies in his own grief, that it never even OCCURRED to Bruce that in memorializing Jason in the specific way he did, he was also subjecting Dick to a constant, ever present visual reminder of one of Dick's personal most traumatic images....the sight and idea of his family, now not just his parents but also his brother....reduced to just broken, bloody costumes he'd never get to see as anything but that again.

Not to mention then captioning this memorial with "a good soldier" and thus in the process of disrespecting Jason's true bond with Bruce, simply because Bruce couldn't handle that at the time and was trying to literally DISTANCE himself from that view of his loss, the loss of a son, of family....Bruce simultaneously disrespected Dick's legacy of his family and everything he'd created Robin to be, and envisioned Jason-as-Robin to be from the moment Dick gave Jason his own old costume and embraced him as the new Robin and by extension, HIS family as much as Bruce's.....like, no matter what Bruce intended for HIMSELF and his feelings about Jason's death with that caption, he literally reduced Dick's tribute to his parents and expression of brotherhood to his brother to.....nothing more than the uniform of a child soldier, a subordinate of the Batman in HIS personal crusade. Something that Jason never actually was, and Dick CERTAINLY had never created - or gave Jason his blessing as - Robin to be.

So on that front, I have no problem with Dick WANTING to keep all the Robins, every child who called themselves one, safe - and to take on the Court of Owls alone, by himself, because like it or not, that will ALWAYS be personal for him. That is about HIS family in a way that it will never be about the family, the heritage, of anyone else, even his adopted siblings. The Court were after HIM, specifically, and always were and always would be. I don't see anything hypocritical about Dick's desire to keep kids out of that fight when he himself would have never been okay with Bruce benching him as Robin in some random fight....because this fight is deeply personal for Dick in a way that's not transferable, and to be honest, I see his desire to keep anyone else from dying as a Robin, in a fight against the Court ESPECIALLY....I see it as an inherently selfish want of Dick's. 

A selfishness that I think he's entirely justified in having. Its not about anyone but him. Its about HIM not having to deal with the burden of any more deaths in his family's colors, his family's name, when he in all likelihood originally created Robin in that particular guise because he figured he'd likely die as Robin at some point, and thus he'd never have to see anyone die in the image of his family's costume and colors ever again because the only person left TO die in them, at the time, was he himself.....thus kinda ensuring for Dick that when he did die, he'd go out just as his parents did, which in his youth at least was likely a weirdly kinda comforting idea for him.

So on the one hand, Dick's desire to keep the kids out of harm's way was ultimately a selfish - but justifiably so - desire to not see anyone else dead or injured in a literal WAR of CHILDREN being fought in his personal family colors and image....especially when 99% of them had literally no idea what the colors they were fighting in signified and meant for the mantle's original creator.

BUT.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.

Where this all falls apart for me, and why I don't just go with this take and instead just kinda sidestep around the whole story itself and don't engage with it....

Is there's absolutely no way to 'fix' the story as is.....without coming up with an entirely different middle climax, in which Dick finds some way to sideline the kids without getting them all arrested.

Cuz see, what I'm NOT gonna ever do, is try and argue from an in story perspective, that Dick would ever be stupid enough, or try to justify, getting kids - many of them marginalized, and people of color specifically - arrested in the name of keeping them SAFE.

That's just stupid to the nth degree, and unilaterally the fault of DC's writers being oblivious to the real-world realities of police brutality and the interactions and dynamic people of color have with the actual police.

It was DC's fuck-up there, but I - especially as a white writer and fan - am not going to try and fix or transform that fuck up short of entirely rewriting the whole second half of We Are Robin's plot, which to be honest, I don't see as likely to ever be a priority for me as there's so much other content in Dick's narratives I'd rather get to first. Its just way too far down the list, the premise itself doesn't interest or engage me enough to make me WANT to invest in that particular story heavily enough to create a whole other direction for it, that navigates around the issue I have with it here.

So again, I mostly just....don't engage with it. Because I can't see Dick's stance on the issue of his family's legacy ever being other than what I always see it as, and thus see it as here, but I'm definitely never going to find it appropriate to write Dick trying to justify his decision to ENGINEER the police arresting all these kids for their PROTECTION....to a black character like Duke in specific.

Because its not. But again, this wasn't Dick's decision at the end of the day, because he's a fictional character who can only make the decisions he's written making. And thus it was the decision of writers who wrote these characters in situations that contained analogues to real world issues without keeping centered an awareness of how those issues intersect with people of different identities, particularly people of color and black people in specific.

So its not a decision that made me like, dislike Dick, because its one that I don't think he should have ever been written making, but its not a decision I care to justify in universe.

And that's about all I think I ever intend to - or even could - expand on that subject, I'm pretty sure. *Shrugs*

Oh wait, no, I lied!

Quick thought for white fans in particular....because I HAVE seen this subject tackled at least once or twice in fiction, from an ACAB standpoint that had Duke reaming out Dick for his decision here, for the same reasons I'm outlining above.....

This isn't an attempt to gatekeep or police anybody as like, I'm not actually ever trying to do that, I'd have to know every fic writer's personal identity and marginalizations TO do that, and I'm not pretending to know that or asking to, like, its just not on the menu for me so please don't get me wrong, this is purely aimed at a plea for white writers in particular to exercise personal accountability and good, sincere judgment in this regard:

No matter your personal feelings about Dick Grayson, the subject of Robin, or any of this in general, PLEASE keep in mind before utilizing Duke as a mouthpiece for giving Dick shit for this in the name of smearing the latter's character or making him look bad, like.....

Dick is of Romani descent. In the New 52 continuity as well as pre-Flashpoint. That's been made explicitly clear, and as such......there is no substitute in our current real world zeitgeist for the interactions the police have with black people, but please keep in mind that Romani people have a very, VERY long history of being subject to police brutality and persecution in a wide range of countries. Its a big part of why so many people are so uncomfortable with cop!Dick in the first place, and as such, it makes treating him as this naive, privileged white guy when having the realities of police brutality explained to him by another character, like.....not look exactly like you might intend there, because the reality is he's not SUPPOSED to be that character, but too few people at DC, and ESPECIALLY the people writing the We Are Robin stories, like, completely fail to ever extend the idea of Dick being Romani to any kind of examination of what kinds of lived experiences, perspective or perceptions this results in him having specifically.

And that's a failure on DC's part, but you don't need to go making it your failure as well, so for those of us who are white like, this really is something that should be kept centered before we decide to engage with story elements like the above one from We Are Robin, and like, if we do, then HOW we go about that specifically.

[dumblemonchickenwing]

My take on Sev\erus Sn\ape. After all those years

I am aware of all his flaws. He had a rough childhood and never had anyone who would help him grow into a better person or give him a personality that would help him change. But that doesn’t excuse any thing he ever did throughout the series.

He was selfish and petty, and though he loved Lily, it was the only thing that brought any good out of him. And yet the reason he loved her, im  pretty sure, was that she was the only person he knew and was close to, and also because she made him feel human and he may have always wanted to be with her because she brought out good things in him, with her kind and sweet personality. He wanted to be around her because it would make him feel less lonely and make him feel good. He didnt want to be there for her, at least intially it never crossed his mind.  His love toward her also stems from him not wanting, not willing to change. He only knew Lily, and only wanted to be with her. He didn’t want to put any effort in changing that and looking at anyone else. He wanted Lily all to himself, even if it was bad for her. He was extremely jealous and he hated admitting he was wrong, he shifted blame on others, and even when he was confronted by her he kept excusing himself.

Even when he went too far and she cut ties with him, he felt he had the excuse to call her an extremely hurtful slur “mudblood”. He tried to get back to her even after he crossed the line and hurt her deeply, instead of holding himself accountable and realizing she deserves to be treated right. Not to mention his highly hypocritic attitude of calling every muggleborn a slur and treating them like they’re not human, yet only being nice to Lily, not caring to realize how mean this attitude is and how it makes Her feel. 

His love for her didnt change him at all, because he only cared about his own feelings, because he wasn’t willing to change for Lily, because he loved her out of his own pettiness and obsession. His feelings were centered around himself and what he saw and felt.  James Potter was a bully and a spoiled kid. But what people often gloss over is the thing he did what Sn\ape didn’t. James changed himself for Lily, because he loved her in a way that let him recognize and reflect on her feelings and what she wants. James was a jerk, he did bad things, he was a bully, but he made that part of himself his past, for Lily. 

Sn\ape didnt change himself for her nor for anyone, nor for himself, he chose to stay the way he is because he didnt feel the need to look into himself and maybe realize there are things he could have made different because what he does hurts Lily. He kept going the path he started . Maybe he knew he was wrong but he still didnt change.

The reason S\nape threw everything he started, away, and sworn to Dumbledore to protect Harry, was because Sn\ape hated himself for being the cause of Lily’s death. He grieved and was in a lot of pain, and he hated himself most but he chose to self destruct rather than become better and heal to not repeat the same mistake again. It was his choice. 

His self-hatred has become the core of his character ever since Lily perished. If he had decided to make up for his mistakes and learn from them, he would have changed what made him make those mistake he had made, and grow as a person. If he had loved Lily in a way that included her feelings in his mind, he would have looked at Harry differently. He would have become slightly better, he would have chosen to act differently and he would have been able to see things in a kinder light. But he chose to drown in self-hatred, he chose to hate himself and let it be the only feeling in his life. He subconsciously chose to hurt himself by making himself think that Lily’s son was a copy of the person who bullied him, instead of seeing Harry as someone different from that. Sna\pe hated everyone because of choosing to let his hate be the only feeling.

Sn\ape chose to betray lord Voldemort and death eaters, Not because he didnt want to be a death eater anymore. Not because he no longer shared their values.

He was into dark magic, he actively supported death eaters even when Lily was alive. Did it change? Did he decide he hates dark magic? Did he decide he hates death eaters? No. In fact, his values never changed, he never turned his back on them out of principle.

He did it because he still saw himself as a death eater. He still had same values as them. He followed them. But he chose to betray them because he chose to destroy himself.

Working for Dumbledore was a way to punish himself for having been the reason Lily was killed. I know he later on complained to Dumbledore that he puts so much effort in being a double agent and putting himself in danger, but thats because his human selfishness was speaking out (working hard and being upset its being taken advantage of)

In a way, protecting Harry was the only reason for living for S\nape. But he didnt do it because it was truly his reason for living, He didnt see Harry as his reason for living. He did it all to make up for what he did, and sort of take revenge on himself. Not even on Voldemort. It was never stated that S\nape hated Voldemort. In fact, he never did even after he killed Lily. The only possible explanation is that Sn\ape blamed himself for her death.

Sn\ape didnt atone for anything he did with the intention to make things better: to clear Lily’s name, to save her son she loved dearly. he only chose to do it all to feed his own hatred. In the end, the only person he saw, was himself. He didnt “see” Lily, he didnt “see” Harry, Dumbledore, Voldemort.  “I am the reason she died”  “I am the one to blame” “I hate myself” “I am in pain” “It all happened to me” “Lily meant a lot to me”

Sn\ape hated himself and took out all of his hatred on everyone around him.

IF Sn\ape could see Lily’s feelings and care about them, he would have looked at Harry and wonder how Harry feels and what troubles him. If Sna\pe’s love made him try to see what was important to Lily and not only to him, he would have tried to see James and Harry in different light and maybe let go of his petty hatred towards them. He would have at least tried to open up his “black curtains” a little bit and put down his pettyness and old grudges.

Sn\ape didnt think about letting go of his grudges even if they hurt Lily. He chose to dive deeper into them and hold them close to his heart, even when he had a person who brought out the good in him. He could have a lot of reasons to act that way, he had bad past, he was bullied, and maybe all that were the factors of why he chose to put his grudges and hatred above what was important to the person whom he loved. But the fact still stands: he chose that. 

His bad past doesn’t excuse all the things he has done later on as an adult. It can be understood, but not excused. It didnt give him the right to do what he did. The reason why Sn\ape is interesting, is not because he is good or misunderstood. It is because his story is tragic and human. He is very flawed. He is selfish. He is full of grudges. he chose to stay stagnant instead of growing. That is what made him so unique. He was the tragic character that never got to change and chose to self-destruct instead. 

He wasnt like Harry, who grew and changed and healed after everything that had happened to him. He wasn’t like Ron, who chose to grow out of his jealousy and pettiness at being the last at everything. He wasn’t like Slughorn, who tried to learn from his mistake and grief and be at least braver than he used to be. He wasn’t like Regulus Black, who actually realized his faults and that Voldemort is wrong. 

His actions and motivations were purely emotion-driven. But his emotions weren’t pure. Sna\pe stands out among all HP characters because he was one of the few who didnt change as people while managing to change everything.

[iturbide]

the fact that edelgard is the villain in 3/4 routes and yet intsys STILL glorifies her to no end enrages and annoys me. no other villain has been given that perspective of “well actually maybe they arent so bad” except for the hypocritical tyrant. even when she has *literally become an inhuman monster* intsys is still like “oh no dont worry she was right actually!” and it upsets me deeply

It upsets me, too, friend.  IntSys seems to really like glorifying people who don’t deserve it, especially in recent games (Walhart in Awakening, Rudolf in Echoes -- I can’t say if his whole ‘orchestrating a plan to have his son murder him’ thing is carry-over from Gaiden or not, but it definitely exists in the recent remake so I’m including it), but Edelgard actually ends up as a bit of a weird case. 

(I have a lot of thoughts about this, so I’m just going to cut preemptively.)

Now, I’m actually not opposed to Edelgard being the protagonist of the fourth route in Three Houses.  Anyone who’s been here a while knows that I generally see Grima, a figure that IntSys generally tries to paint as a rote villain, as at least a sympathetic villain (and possibly even a secret hero in the events of Awakening itself); it’s entirely possible for someone that’s a villain in most of their appearances to have legitimate reasons for what they’re doing and why, and revealing that in their personal route could be incredibly powerful if done well. 

And here’s the thing: Edelgard really is a compelling character, in large part because of her moral ambiguity.  I actually agree with her when she says that the Church of Seiros is corrupt at its core and the system needs to change.  She’s right about that!  While Seiros might have had decent reasons for establishing things this way, over the past thousand years human societies have changed while the church itself remained stagnant -- something potentially exacerbated by her selfish ambition to restore her mother -- and this has led to a structure that once served an important purpose becoming a toxic and destructive mess for humanity at large.  Edelgard has a completely valid point there, and it’s something that I could absolutely get on board with if she had gone about achieving change in some other way, because she does have other methods available to her that she writes off without real reason -- and even that can relate back in part to her deep trauma and difficulty trusting people after the betrayals she faced at the hands of her “uncle” and her own father’s powerlessness to stop the nightmare she and her siblings suffered through. 

IntSys probably could have crafted a narrative that showed from her perspective why she believed war against the Church was the only valid option available to her.  The issue is that she undercuts her own argument by targeting all of Fodlan, rather than specifically going after the Church: she doesn’t give the Kingdom and Alliance a “stay out of my way or else” warning, she literally turns her sights on the Kingdom as soon as the monastery falls and attempts to fully annex it once Cornelia sets up Dimitri’s fall, leaving the Alliance only because she has her hands full with Faerghus.  She didn’t have to take Cornelia up on her offer of making the Kingdom into the Dukedom of Faerghus and sending troops to finish the job: she could have just left the woman to her own devices, forcing the Twisted to utilize their own people to maintain and secure full control of the region while she worked on addressing the systemic issues, which would have had multiple benefits:

The Imperial Army doesn’t get overwhelmed and exhausted fighting in conditions they’re not equipped to deal with, leaving them stronger overall while the Twisted forces are potentially weakened by the same

Hubert is able to better assess the threat they’re dealing with, including learning their capabilities and possibly even where they’re coming from before Merceus

Edelgard actually puts her money where her mouth is and ends up helping the people she claims to be doing this for, rather than just using them as fodder for the war to grind up

Unfortunately, the way she’s written ends up just making her an imperialist.  She’s not just going after the corrupt core of the Church, she’s trying to forcibly unite the continent and return Fodlan to some long gone ideal where it was all united under the Imperial banner because she refuses to believe that Adrestia could have split by natural causes.

Crimson Flower ultimately ends up being a particularly egregious example of this glorification phenomenon in action because they give her a personal route that makes no effort to critically examine her actions and make her face consequences for them.  This, I think, does her a massive disservice as a character, because that aforementioned moral ambiguity that makes her so interesting could have been utilized to great effect -- and the proof is actually there already, because they do it in Dimitri’s route.

Dimitri is himself another interesting character, and outwardly presents as Edelgard’s polar opposite: he recognizes that he doesn’t have all the answers, struggles to figure out the correct course of action when presented with difficult subjects that have  no clear-cut answer -- like the fact that reliance on the Crest system is toxic for noble families, but it’s those very Crest-bearers and their Relics that help keep Faerghus safe from invasion by Sreng -- possesses incredible strength but specifically refrains using it in most cases to avoid harming others, and generally takes everyone’s problems onto himself to his own detriment.  He’s also deeply traumatized and was never given a chance to deal with it in a healthy manner, which contributes to how he snaps -- and Azure Moon starts with Dimitri being so far out of reach that you can’t unlock any of his supports and can’t even engage with him in the weekly discussions.  He’s lost himself to his survivor’s guilt and need for vengeance, considers himself to be nothing more than a monster, and has no qualms about killing if it helps advance his quest; as the story progresses, he faces a direct consequence for this murderous inclination in the form of Fleche who attempts to exact vengeance for her brother’s sake in the same way that he’s attempting to claim it for his family and friends -- only to lose Rodrigue, and have his dying words be a plea for Dimitri to live for himself rather than those who died before him, at which point Dimitri sets his sights on opposing Edelgard rather than killing her and seeing to atone for the crimes he committed.  While I think the game made the change a little too abrupt, it’s handled well overall, and shows a real development arc complete with both actions and their associated consequences that directly relate to Dimitri’s growth as a person.

Contrast this to Edelgard in general and Crimson Flower as a route.  Edelgard believes that she has all the answers despite not trying to engage with anyone outside her own House, decisively chooses what she believes to be the right and proper course of action regardless of how difficult the subject matter, possesses great strength (both physically and of sheer will) that she uses to dominate others, and forces others to join her in addressing what she sees as problems -- such as her line about making her own people into “worthy sacrifices” for her “higher cause.”  Crimson Flower is the only route where her attack on the monastery fails to capture Rhea, but once Byleth returns she sets her sights on attacking and subjugating a territory that has remained entirely neutral through the past five years, turns on the Twisted while she’s still in a vulnerable position which ultimately causes the deaths of at least a third of the forces she left at Arianrhod once they fire their warning shot, lies to her friends and allies about what happened there, murders her step-brother, and allows a city full of trapped civilians to burn unchecked while she deals with what she considers to be the “real” threat on the opposite side of the Faerghus capital -- and all of this is capped off with her never dealing with the Twisted, and cute little endcards that talk about how everything worked out fine and there were no problems ever, The End.  Edelgard doesn’t get a development arc in her route: she’s never challenged, she never faces real consequences (and the one she does face she literally lies about to her friends and then leaves as a problem to deal with later), and she pretty much ends the game exactly where she started it: completely assured that she made the right choices.  The moral ambiguity inherent in her character is instead cast as “of course she’s in the right, she’s so great and there’s nothing at all wrong with what she’s doing or how she’s going about it, isn’t she wonderful?”

At least in the main game, Hegemon Husk Edelgard is treated with real gravity, shown as the pinnacle of her drive to see her ambition come to fruition and the tragic consequence of her inability to change course and find another path.  The Forging Bonds event just takes the CF brush and paints her actions as the right ones, even though what made her so compelling is that her reasons were right while her methods were horrific.  Edelgard really could have been wonderful.  The potential is right there in her character.  But IntSys completely botched the execution of it, so that her route feels rushed, incomplete, and at best unsatisfying (or, if you’re me, utterly disgusting for how it glorifies imperialistic conquest), and her Heroes appearances only make it worse.

[stephkaylor]

FAVES and FAILS: The Vampire Diaries

So I have decided that since The Vampire Diaries has a spin off, The Originals, I am going to divide the characters based on where they appeared the most. So on this list I will be talking about the Salvatores, the Petrova/Gilbert line, the Bennets and Caroline, etc. but I will discuss the Mikaelsons, Hayley, etc. on their own list with the other characters that appeared on The Originals mostly. As always, spoilers are abound as I will discuss storylines and character arcs below, so be warned of that.  In any case, here’s my FAVES and FAILS for The Vampire Diaries. 

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: Damon Salvatore

Could it be anyone else? I don’t think so. He’s a delightful little sociopathic shit and I love everything about him. He is 99% id and 1% ego, if that, and even when I hated him, I loved him (god, I sound like Elena…). In any case, love this man, five stars, would recommend, chef’s kiss. 

LEAST FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: …I think Matt Donovan…?

Ugh, it’s hard to pick between Matt, Tyler, and Jeremy, but I think it has to be Matt. I never enjoyed his judgey attitude against everything supernatural, he seemed pretty whiney most of the time, and he was just genuinely uninteresting for the majority of the show.  Not into it. Pass.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: Katherine Pierce (Katarina Petrova)

I thought about giving this post to Caroline by default, but if it comes down to it, Katherine nudges her way into the top spot. Katherine gave no fucks, knew what she wanted and was unapologetic about how she went about getting it, and an all around bad bitch. Was she primarily evil? Yes. But, to be honest, it never really bothered me. 

LEAST FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: Bonnie Bennet

God, this woman was annoying. She was hypocritical, judgmental, and far too holier than thou for me to swallow her bullshit. She constantly played favorites with Caroline and Elena (I’m sorry, you hold Caroline becoming a vampire against her for like two seasons, but when Elena becomes one, it’s not her fault? Sure.). She hated all supernatural creatures because they “go against nature”, but it’s totally chill for you to perform sacrificial magic to get what you want, unleashing a terrible evil in the process (but it’s not her fault). How she nearly excommunicated Caroline just because she stayed with Stefan after Stefan killed Enzo, as if it was her fault in any way. How everyone treated her like she was a special little unicorn because she’s a Bennet Witch and she’s so magical, like, please, gag me. I could go on, but I honestly cannot be bothered. Hard pass. 

THE CHARACTER THAT DESERVED BETTER: Caroline Forbes

She was essentially shunned by all of her friends and family for becoming a vampire, even though she didn’t choose to become one at all. Also, she was basically used as collateral damage for the entire Salvatores and Gilberts versus The Mikaelsons debacle just because Klaus liked her. She was always the second choice no matter what the situation was (unless it’s her being impregnated with magical twins without her consent and then guilted into carrying the babies, but poor Alaric just lost his wife. I’m sorry, unless it’s your uterus, shut the fuck up). I’ll just be over here doing what exactly NO ONE on the show did, and pick Caroline first.

DEADWEIGHT CHARACTER WE SHOULD’VE DUMPED IN 2009: Tyler Lockwood

I couldn’t pick Matt twice, so Tyler, I guess. He was selfish, a terrible boyfriend to both Caroline and also Liv later, and if I have to hear that boy whine about his fucking sire bond one more time I will literally throw my laptop off of a bridge. 

UNDERHYPED CHARACTER: Lorenzo “Enzo” St. John

Honestly, he’s one of the one things that made the last few seasons of the show bearable.  His delightful British rogue was a lovely way to fill the void that the Mikaelsons left in my heart, his devil-may-care attitude was man-made-manifest of what I was always thinking while watching the show, his BFF relationship with Damon and later Caroline was a joy to watch, and he was way too good for Bonnie. 

OVERHYPED CHARACTER: Alaric Saltzman

He is marginally more bearable right now on Legacies, but he annoyed the shit out of me while he was on the first show. Does he hate vampires or is he best friends with them? Does he want to be a hunter or does he want to stay away from anything supernatural of any kind? Also, he (along with nearly everyone else) basically guilted Caroline into carrying his magical siphoner babies, which is a touch too icky for me…

SHIP YOU WOULD SELL YOUR SOUL FOR: Delena (Damon and Elena)

Could it be anyone else? I never shipped Stelena, as I found both Stefan annoying and Elena too woe-is-me while she was with him. She made Damon want to be a better person and he made her embrace who she really was, monster and all. They had a perfect balance between themselves, and it was a joy to watch. He got the girl, guys. 

SHIP YOU JUST WERE’N THAT INTO: Steroline (Stefan and Caroline)

They were just too…meh. I was entirely uninterested in them, whatsoever, and isn’t that even worse than a ship that you hate? I used their scenes for a bathroom break or to get a snack, as I was guaranteed to miss nothing interesting or important while they were on screen. 

CHARACTER YOU LOVE TO HATE/FAVORITE VILLAIN: Kai Parker

What does it say about me that all of my favorite characters are violent psychopaths…? I’m just going to leave that to be unpacked with the future therapists I’m bound to hire. Kai was the perfect evil. He was powerful, purposeful, and unapologetically demonic in the very best way. I could watch him terrorize my favorite characters forever and not get bored.  Perfection.

FAVORITE STORYLINE: Stefan and Damon’s Brotherhood

If you don’t think this is what the show was about at it’s core, you’re wrong. They loved each other, they hated each other, they died for each other, they killed for each other, and, ultimately, they let nothing and nobody come between them. If you asked me who Damon loved more, Elena or Stefan, I COULD NOT answer you, and isn’t that just the fucking point?!

STORYLINE WE COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT: Magical Babies

I know that a major reason this was even a storyline is because Candice Accola got pregnant, but still…how? Like…she is a vampire..? She is unable to biologically change…? Like can someone grab me a biology textbook and explain how this a thing that can happen BIOLOGICALLY, please? I get that they are mythical creatures, so science doesn’t mean much here, but it just doesn’t make sense in any universe. Also, as I said above, the fact that Caroline was impregnated without her consent and then largely guilted into carrying the babies is a touch too rape-y for me…

BIGGEST PLOTHOLE: Do they go to school, or…? 

Like, are they just compelling the teachers to not notice them not attending class like 90% off the time? Also, how do the people in Mystic Falls not know anything about the supernatural? Like, they aren’t subtle AT ALL so how do they keep sliding under the radar? Also, in a lesser way, how are hybrid witch/vampires a thing? Like, I thought if a witch dies (like they would have to if they become a vampire), they lose their magic…?Make it make sense, Julie!

MOST HEARTBREAKING MOMENT: Damon Dies (the first time)

Honestly one of the saddest moments in the entire series was Damon’s ghost watching Elena lose it when he doesn’t make it back from the Other Side. They were finally happy and together and they can only enjoy it for like five minutes before it goes to shit. Why, Julie??!

BIGGEST EYEROLL MOMENT: Magical Babies (again)

I try to not use something twice on this list but COME ON. This was ridiculous and I do not support this in any way.  (Also this twin bullshit is still fucking annoying on Legacies, if anyone was wondering).

MOST SHOCKING MOMENT (any spit-takes?): Elena forces Kathrine to take The Cure

This was one of the moments that I literally gasped aloud. Most of the time the foreshadowing on these shows is seen from miles away, but I honestly did not see this coming at all. Also, Kathrine was basically the LAST person who wanted that cure so it’s crazy that she was the one to end up taking it and turning human.

MOST BADASS MOMENT: Kathrine kisses Damon at the end of Season 1

Like I said before, she is the original BAD BITCH of the show (not an actual Original, but you know what I mean…) and this was an amazing entry for the character who would be, largely, the villain of the series. It played on the feelings that Damon is developing for Elena, it finally introduced the person who started it all for the Salvatores, and it showed us exactly who she is at her core, and that she isn’t sorry about it at all.

SERIES FINALE SATISFACTORY LEVEL (use no words, just gifs):

OVERALL MARKS OUT OF TEN (10 being this show has changed your life for the better, you happily rewatch the series over and over, and the show has made your life better in some way. 1 being this show gave you nothing but trust issues, a stomach ulcer, and high blood pressure, and you honestly do not know why you did this to yourself) 

7 out of 10. 

I look back on The Vampire Diaries with the kind of fondness that only comes from a bizarre mix of nostalgia and incredulity. When scenes from this series show up on my instagram feed or on my Youtube recommended page, an involuntary smile creeps across my face without me realizing. I could do without like half of the characters and some entire seasons were completely unnecessary to watch, but it gave me some of my very favorite characters and ships, and spawned an entire universe that I still enjoy to this day. This magical, crazy, beautiful world was a joy to experience, even when it made me want to beat my head against a wall at least once per season.

If you want to see the other ones I have made, here's the original post with links. x  Hope you like these! (I say to probably no one...)

[jaegerbroshoe]

There are quite alot of Titan shifters that we have been introduced to. And some that we haven't even see (shifters who came before the ones we do know of). But for the ones we do know of: Eren, Zeke, Pieck, Reiner, Annie, Armin, Ymir Fritz, Karl Fritz, Rod and Uris Father, Uri, Freida, Kruger, Grisha, Bertolt, Tom Xaver, Lady Tybur, Marcel, Ymir, Porco and now Falco. Who are your favorite, to least favrotie and why?

Woah, I never realized just how many shifters there were in the story until now 😵.

Since you haven’t given me a basis on which to rank them, I’ll go with who I like overall as a character (based on their core values, intentions, what they did with their powers, and whether they developed at all in a favourable direction): 

1) Eren

out of all the shifters, he’s the most selfless

has always had good intentions

believes in freedom for all

used/uses his powers to save his people even when they were/are being utter dicks to him

and in terms of his Titan form, I think he has the best-looking Titan and his shifter lines are the prettiest

2) Zeke

I personally interpret Zeke as a very compassionate person, who’s just been misguided on how to deal with his circumstances (especially thanks to Xaver), so I think he does have good intentions, and his core values at heart have always centred around saving future children from the miserable life he had to live

in terms of his Titan form, his shifter lines are my second favourite (I can’t lie, the Beast Titan’s outer design is pretty ugly 😂)

3) Grisha

Grisha’s core values are pretty much the same as Eren’s; it’s just that he let anger guide his life down a bad path for a while, which had terrible consequences, but his development makes up for his mistakes in my opinion

I think his intentions were also good initially; I can’t fault him for wanting revenge on Marley after what they did to him (and it’s not like he ever met a kind Marleyan to prove him wrong)

Grisha used his powers to save his people; without him taking the FT and giving up his life to Eren, they’d all be long dead

we sadly never saw his shifter lines (I assume they’d be similar to Eren and Zeke’s though) but his Titan form is definitely not appealing to me

4) Ymir

Ymir might actually be more selfless than Eren; her core values have always revolved around helping others and making them happy (and I think that’s admirable because I’m pretty selfish)

while I would say Ymir didn’t actually develop because she ended up sacrificing herself once again, I wouldn’t call it a flaw exactly

I do wish she had told the people of Paradis a bit about what she knew though

her Titan form isn’t my favourite but I do love her shifter lines

5) Falco

we haven’t seen him do anything as a shifter yet, but Falco is a pure cinnamon roll and I think he’ll use his powers to do good

I’m curious to see his Jaw Titan design (and hopefully his shifter lines too!)

6) Armin

his core values and intentions have always been so pure

I think he needs to remember the concept of sacrifice though; I’m just finding his treatment of Eren a bit hypocritical, considering the leeway he gave RBA (who did much worse) and Erwin/Pixis

his shifter lines and Titan form are pretty cool

7) Kruger

I have a love-hate relationship with Kruger to be honest; he’s done a lot of shit, but I can’t deny that without him, Marley would have conquered Paradis long ago

to me, his core values and intentions seem to revolve more around revenge than attaining freedom exactly, but everything he did in the end was technically aimed to help his people

I like both his Titan form and shifter lines

8) Marcel

out of all the Warriors, Marcel never actually killed anyone and he died a noble death

he also seems to have been the most woke out of all the Warriors

his intentions were pure in that he wanted to save his brother

9) Porco

after much deliberation, I think Porco was overall not that bad (except for the fact that he was a bully)

I wouldn’t say his core values and intentions are that pure, but he does value loyalty

from my rereads of the Marley arc, Porco actually called Marley out on their shit a few times, so unlike Reiner, I don’t think he’s ever been that supportive of Marley

thanks to him, Falco was saved

his nutcracker scene is one of my favourites

his Titan design is pretty cool

10) Freida

I think Freida wanted to help her people but thanks to Karl Fritz’ will, she was unable to do anything, so I can’t really fault her, Uri, or her grandpa (plus, none of them used their powers to kill anyone)

11) Uri

see above

12) Annie

unlike Eren and Ymir, she’s selfish

she hasn’t really done anything good with her powers

her Titan form is okay (I’m not a fan of the weird design under her eyes; it grosses me out)

I do like her fighting scene with Eren in the forest though

13) Ymir Fritz

to be honest, some characters ended up higher or lower just because I wanted to place Ymir Fritz at number 13 (…because of the 13-year curse…yes I’m that cringey)

anyways, we don’t know anything solid about her or what she did but I believe that she did more good than bad with her powers

14) Rod and Uri’s Father

didn’t see much of him but see the above comment for Freida

15) Pieck

I guess her core values of wanting to defend her hometown are noble, but that shit about fighting with her comrades until the end doesn’t fly with me (by her logic, even if they’re horrible, she’ll still stick with them because they’ve fought on the same side for years and I’m just like ???; as I’ve said before, for someone who’s supposedly smart, she’s really dumb)

hasn’t done any good with her Titan except kill people (actually, I guess she saved Zeke from Levi that one time so thanks for that)

no character development, even though I thought we’d potentially get something good out of her conversation with Eren (big disappointment right there)

her Titan is super ugly, the ugliest in my opinion; her shifter marks aren’t bad, but not my favourite

16) Bertolt

his core values are selfish, although maybe not as much as Annie and Reiner actually

I think what really put me off of him is his decision to kill the SC even when they pleaded with him to talk (RBA knew better and nothing anyone says can convince me otherwise)

again, only used his powers to slaughter people

his Titan form is cool and I do love his shifter lines

17) Reiner

his core values are more selfish than pure in my opinion

he only cares about his own misery so he refuses to develop in any good direction

has only used his powers to slaughter people again and again

his Titan form isn’t anything special to me, especially considering how easily he got defeated during his fights with Eren; his shifter lines are kind of gross

18) Tom Xaver

this hoe ruined Zeke

I don’t think his intentions were that pure; I think he just wanted Zeke for himself to replace his dead son

did nothing with his powers or knowledge except make a little boy more suicidal

19) Lady Tybur

don’t know much about her but considering what Willy said, the WH knows the truth about everything and she sided with Marley to the end

did nothing good with her powers

her Titan form is one of the coolest though; I guess she doesn’t have shifter lines??? (wait a second 👀)

20) Karl Fritz

this ultra hoe is one selfish piece of shit

condemned a LOT of people to death with his shitty vow, decision to split up the Eldians, and agreement to set up the story of Helos 

didn’t actually care about his people, considering his shitty “solution”

didn’t use his powers for any good

I literally have no respect for him

[lilyev]

wassup my dudes, i’m bee and i’m a huge ass nerd who’s super excited to be here ! pls take my daughter lily and love her, or hate her, w/e, i’m fine with it either way

isn’t that LILY EVANS ? yeah that is HER, sitting there at the GRYFFINDOR table with those other SIXTH years and i think i heard sybill saying they look like ZOEY DEUTCH… whoever that is! when she looks into her crystal ball she sees fireflies, coffee with cinnamon, cigarettes in the backyard, honey-flavoured chapstick, chipped nail polish, lying on the roof during a thunderstorm, flowers growing from cracks in the pavement, the feeling you get walking out from a cinema.  anyway i’ve heard they’re pretty TENDERHEARTED, TEMPESTUOUS, and INDEPENDENT. apparently they’re a MUGGLEBORN but i’m sure that’s not related. 

aesthetic: fireflies, coffee with cinnamon, cigarettes in the backyard, the smell of bookstores, honey-flavoured chapstick, whispered secrets, the burn of firewhiskey in your chest, chipped nail polish, polaroids, lying on the roof during a thunderstorm, chapped lips, the summertime buzz of cicadas, flowers growing from cracks in the pavement, burnt chocolate chip cookies, jane austen novels, angry tears, happy tears, scribbled notes in the margins of old books, the red glow of a sunset, the feeling you get walking out from a cinema

CHILDHOOD

lily evans grew up in cokeworth, england, a “distinctly unmagical” town that is solely known for being the fourth-largest steel producer in england. the steel factory smokestacks in the west loom over the town and its winding alleyways, cinder blocks, and weeds growing out of pavement cracks.

lily’s childhood was that of mowed green lawns, challah bread, flintstones reruns in grainy black and white, and playing outside after dinner with petunia till the sky grew dark and the fireflies and mosquitoes came out and their parents would call them back home for bed.

her parents were both university professors who had met while getting their doctorates, her mother in german literature and her father in political science. they were both academic, intelligent people, and saw no reason not to treat their children as such. this meant lots of political discussion over the dining room table — at nine, little lily knew more about the government deficit than most of her schoolteachers probably did. petunia tended to tune out these debates, claiming disinterest, but lily loved them, listening in avidly even if she didn’t understand. as she got older she began to participate more and more, and often even brought up issues she was interested in.

but despite her brightness, contrary to popular belief, school hasn’t always come naturally to lily. she just could never quite bring herself to focus in school. some teachers labelled her a chatterbox, others simply labelled her trouble. really, it was more of a combination of a desire to befriend every creature she met with an inability to sit still.

because lily yearned for something more than life at the end of the cul-de-sac, yearned for some great adventure. she was a curious, fearless thing as a child, always leaping off of the swing and tugging tuney to go explore on the other side of the tracks, where their parents didn’t allow them to go.

so when she met a sallow-skinned boy from the wrong side of town, and he told her about magic, lily was enraptured by the thought. severus snape and the world he spoke of represented, to lily, the adventure she’d only ever dreamed of.

you all know the story — lily didn’t mean to, but she traded one best friend for another, and petunia was left behind, hurt and angry.

HOGWARTS

flash forward to eleven year old lily – small for her age, sitting on a stool in the great hall and listening to the hat debate between slytherin and gryffindor. after she ended up being sorted into gryffindor, and heard everything her housemates had to say about slytherin, she couldn’t help but wonder why the hat had thought it might suit her. ( like mother like son, am i right ? )

but lily is ambitious and proud, and ( especially as a first year ) overflowing with a desire to prove herself. but when it comes down to it, she has a softness under her skin that doesn’t suit the cold blood of a snake, and her instinct to protect those she loves vastly outweighs her self-preservation instinct.

and all of a sudden, she was doing better in school than she ever had before. hogwarts gave her eager, curious young mind the adventure and intrigue it had been craving. for the first time, she actually wanted to learn. the professors quickly became used to the wiry girl with messy auburn hair and bright eyes sitting in the front row of every class and peppering them with questions.

she became the gryffindor prefect last year, something she was both very excited and very apprehensive about. she’s very conscious about the influence she has on younger students, and she’s determined to prove that she was the right choice.

PERSONALITY

lily evans has two main motivators: sentiment and spite. on one hand, she’s romantic and nostalgic, clinging to her fairytale endings and her belief that everyone has at least a little bit of good inside of them. she’d like to believe that everything will turn out the way it should, and that all pain is temporary and useful.

but on the other hand, she has her temper. lord, this girl is stubborn and proud to her very core. she does not easily admit she’s wrong, and she’s often guided by her emotions rather than her reason. it’s not a great combination. she has been called tempestuous.

she tends to make snap judgements about people and stubbornly sticks to those snap judgements. it takes her a while before she admits that someone isn’t as bad as she had previously thought, or that someone is worse than she previously thought ( see: james potter, severus snape )

she doesn’t react well to personal criticism. she can be pretty defensive and even hypocritical sometimes.

but for all her faults ( and she has many — she’s stubborn, over-idealistic, proud, spiteful, at times selfish, hypocritical, quick-tempered, biased ) lily loves. and she hopes. with all her heart.

she cares so much about everything. she wears her emotions on her sleeves. she cries when she’s angry, and when she’s happy, and when she’s talking passionately about something she loves.

if you’re someone lily evans loves, you should count yourself lucky, because she will defend you to the death. and if you’re a person who lily evans hates, you should also count yourself lucky, because no matter how much she hates you, there’s a little part of her that believes in the good part of you.

sometimes she wishes she was tougher, less vulnerable. she wishes the word ‘mudblood’ wouldn’t sting each time it’s flung at her like a grenade ( but it does ), and she wishes she isn’t disappointed with every chanukah that goes by without a card from pertunia ( but she is ). but in true lily evans fashion, she stubbornly holds her chin up high and smiles and doesn’t let the world see her hurting.

HEADCANONS

she keeps trying to keep a diary but she always forgets to write in it, although she refuses to admit it’s a hopeless cause.

has a love for sweeping, dramatic classical music and movie soundtracks

lily comes from a progressive jewish family ! lily was never really super into it when she was little ( she enjoyed the chanukah dreidel games and the purim festivities, loved listening to the stories of esther and the exodus, but fidgeted all through hebrew school and hated the solemnity and fasting of yom kippur ) but she has a greater appreciation for the culture now she’s older. still doesn’t really observe kashrut though.

[ HOLOCAUST TW ] part of the reason she’s super super super against blood purity is bc of this and obvs also cause she’s a muggleborn ! her mother was eight when the second world war started, and as lily’s gotten older she’s heard more and more about her mother’s experience. and it chills her how much it reminds her of all this blood purity and voldemort stuff. [ END TW ]

petunia converts to catholicism for vernon when they get married and lily is so angry she cries for days, but then their mother sits down with her and talks about how everyone has their own faith and you can’t judge someone else for theirs

loves cats even though she’s allergic to them ( has a toad named gilbert, after gilbert blythe from anne of green gables )

has an irrational fear of seaweed – not the kind you eat, the kind that brushes up against your ankles when you’re swimming. also afraid of flying and airplanes

has an extensive collection of nail polish ( picks at her nail polish when she’s nervous )

a physically affectionate person – loves hugs, and cheek kisses, and platonic hand holding

loves old audrey hepburn movies 

she always loved when her parents read to her but she never had the attention span for actually sitting and reading books even though she loved them

[ DEATH, SMOKING TW ] she smokes …… she knows it’s bad but she started after her paternal grandfather died when she was 12 – they were going through his belongings and she found a half-used pack of his cigarettes and pocketed them. she just smoked them to try and catch his smell and feel closer to him but it developed into a habit and then an addiction ( although lily will insist she can stop anytime ) [ END TW ]

bisexual as FUCK thanks 4 coming to my ted talk

[lcdiablcblanc-a-blog]

ROMANTIC HEADCANONS

Name : Remy LeBeau

nickname : Gambit, Ragin Cajun, Le Diable Blanc, Gumbo, Swamp Rat (By Rogue only)

gender : Cis male.

Romantic orientation : Biromantic

sexual orientation : Bisexual

preferred  pet names : Swamp rat (Rogue only.)

relationship status :  Verse dependent.

opinion on true love : Look Remy is a true romantic at heart &&  I’m pretty sure he believes in true love, but true love does not just apply to one person, you can have more than one love over your life.

opinion on love at first sight  : He doesn’t think it’s a thing, but it’s a leeway to love, you can feel instant attraction && interest && that can later lead to love. He’s experienced this himself with both of his more serious relationships. 

how ‘romantic’ are they? :   He’s a die-hard romantic, he enjoys dating, he enjoys the romance in a relationship. He’s the type of guy who enjoys planning dates that match the person he’s dating. 

ideal physical traits : There’s no ideal feature, honestly Remy if he’s into someone he will find an ideal trait for a different partner.  

ideal personality traits: He’s attracted to strong personalities who can keep up with him. BUT also those who are kindhearted. It; something he notices quickly, how the person he’s dating treats other people. 

unattractive physical traits: poor personal hygiene. 

unattractive personality traits : Hypocritical, close-minded, dull-witted.

ideal date : Okay Remy doesn’t ever consider his own ideal dates because he’s the type to be planning things to appeal to his partner. Remy by nature due to his upbringing is a giver, despite putting up a selfish front, he’s going to be putting his partners first. (Hell he’s known for putting women he’s just met first, above his own safety && reputation.) Though if he was to have his ideal date, it would probably prefer dates that are more intimate && that can remain uninterrupted due to his life being crazy most of the time. 

do they have a type? : Strong take-charge, people who are themselves. Honestly, if you are sassing him off there’s a good chance he’s just thinking wow…i’m screwed.

average relationship length:  …..ha ha ha. Okay, this is where it gets deep. Remy grew up as a street orphan who was USED && manipulated. Worse still he grew up in a religious community while being shunned && named  Le Diable Blanc (The white DEVIL.) He was abandoned by his parent’s at the hospital because of his visible mutation && then stolen by his later adopted father && LEFT with a street gang. He was only adopted for real at 10, but his adoption was primarily because he proved to be a talented thief, the first time he was shown acceptance && love, given a home was based on his usefulness.

Remy at his core believes himself to be bad, the bad things he’s done just add to these beliefs, && for the longest time I don’t think he felt worthy of love. Man he wants it, he wants to be good, he wants to be loved (That’s why he can’t help but play at being the white knight to EVERY vulnerable girl who crosses his path, even if he knows they will screw him over.) Remy for the longest time believed himself unworthy of love or security, you see him, whenever he’s in a SAFE or stable place get this itch to screw it up, he gets this itch to do something dumb && he normally does it, it’s also why he always just accepted it when people put him down.

He’s had two major relationships and they actually lasted pretty long though, everything in between are one/two date limits. 

commitment level: It depends on the relationship, he’s screwed up in the past but right now I think if he was in a committed relationship he’d be very committed. (But it always depends on the person.)

opinion of public affection: Does he ever stop? Remy likes affection, like I said earlier, he’s hungry for affection.

past relationships?: A LOT of one nightstand && minor flings.  But the main committed relationships were Bella Donna, his ex-wife && childhood sweetheart. && Rogue, someone he’s always going to care deeply about (Verse dependent, but atm in the comics she’s also his wife && he’s always a little in love with her which is a pain when he tries to move on.)

favorite canon ship :  I quite like Gambit && Rogue, yes they are messy, but….he loves her :/ there are times when I’ve wanted him to move on, but she’s probably one of the closest people in his life, && Remy just loves her. They share a lot of experience && I think they often understand each other best. In the past what ruined them was their own personal insecurities, but right now they are in such a healthy place that it waters all my crops && it’s nice to see them both just happy && supportive of one another. (Also Remy will always be in Rogues corner && side, even if they aren’t dating, he will always care.)

favorite non-canon ship : haven’t done much with him for a while, so I can’t say a lot on this one. I’ve only been back on this blog recently. 

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Hi, how do you feel about the animation of Spiderverse? If you worked on Trollhunters and you could write Claire anyway you want, how would you? And finally, what would prompt Trollhunter!Claire to take the Troll potion, since she doesn't kneel to Merlin in Unbecoming, and does he get called out on being such a smug, arrogant, hypocritical, selfish asshole, and redeem himself?

Spiderverse looked like the animation team was having a lot of fun exploring the medium. The integration of text into images would not have been so appealing if they’d done live action or attempted photorealism. Using slight variations in animation styles also helped visually emphasize how characters came from different worlds, which, again, wouldn’t have worked as well in live action. I did not have any moments where I mixed up one character with another person, which is something I struggle with in live action films. 

If I could rewrite Claire … there are a number of her actions I would change and scenes that I would add. 

For one thing, after she sees Draal in Jim’s basement (and then gets knocked out and presumably Jim takes her back to her house or something), she would (after waking up) call Mary and Darci and tell them what she saw, to get them involved in the main plot early and keep Claire from being the only girl in the core cast.

I don’t think I would win an argument with the rest of the show writers to cut Jlaire from the script entirely, and Claire and Jim having mutual crushes was one of the less “AAAHHH WHY?!” aspects of their early relationship, so I would not take away her interest in Jim. 

We’d hear her speaking trollish more often, practicing with Not Enrique and making small talk around Trollmarket. 

She would remember she has a teleportation device whenever Jim locks the team on the other side of a door to do something noble and stupid alone.

She would express guilt over pressuring Jim to go into the Darklands and rescue Enrique, and would actually interact with Enrique after Jim got him back from the Darklands for her. 

Also it would be fun if, like Barbara, Claire carried pepper spray. We know it works on trolls!

In a Trollhunter!Claire ‘verse, she would not be taking any potion Merlin offers her. 

Luckily, Angor Rot is on the team by this point, and Toby got possessed by Morgana (because Shadow Staff) and now has some of her memories, so Toby would be getting some serious magic lessons. 

When a creepy old dude hands Claire a list and says she and her friends need to get these ingredients for reasons which are “none of your concern, for now”, her first instinct is to nope out of there and shred the list and burn the shreds, but instead she takes it to their resident Sorcerer and Apprentice and asks, “What would this do?” 

Claire can acknowledge the potential benefit of having troll strength when facing Gunmar in hand-to-hand combat, especially if she’s cut off from backup, but she doesn’t want to be stuck that way forever. Toby has Morgana’s memories of how Changelings are made (it’s … pretty bad, he has nightmares) and Angor has centuries of magical experience including the magical properties of living stone (my headcanon, the totems for the golems only work if carved from troll flesh voluntarily sacrificed for that purpose), and between them Angor and Toby alter Merlin’s potion recipe so that it should turn Claire into something like a Changeling - creating a troll form she can switch to at will, but also switch back from into her natural human shape, and without trapping a troll whelp in the Darklands forever.

She does hesitate, because it’s a heck of a risk, but she goes through with it.

Merlin is super pissy that Claire didn’t do as he said - he doesn’t even get to brew his potion, he finds out about all this after Claire is transformed - but Claire still isn’t listening to him and by now Blinky’s about ready to tear the wizard’s head off. Undecided on the redemption arc but he does get called out, a lot.

[cayyyyleb]

Okay so in line with what Liam said about Caleb being a shit bag and how he has no right to say anything to Jester. And also that he doesn’t have affection for anyone in the group but Nott yet goes on to say that he’s fond of Jester. I’m starting to think that Caleb doesn’t think he’s worthy of Jester. That even if he does ever get romantic interests in her that he won’t act on them because he feels she’s too good for him and that he’ll just taint her. Thoughts?

Honestly? I think Caleb doesn’t think he’s worthy of pretty much anything.

Which is super intriguing, considering he’s also pretty self preservative and focused on satisfying his individual needs. Mad props to Liam for playing the untapped potential aspect of true neutral characters the way he is (although I don’t consider alignment to be crucial to roleplaying in DND, and I know the cast doesn’t either).Coming out of the asylum, obviously Caleb is a bit of a blank slate morally and methodically. I think this is the true core of the true neutral alignment, since actual neutrality is pretty hard to find in the real world - Caleb’s contradicting motives in many differing directions, his almost nonexistent ideals that are slowly beginning to accumulate, and his… not erratic, but kind of unpredictable behavior show Caleb’s neutrality masks his potential for both altruism and evil. His contradicting, often hypocritical statements and actions, while also being part of his attempt to seem underwhelming, are also due to this struggle in him, and I think it’s fascinating.I talked about Caleb’s empathy and ability to read Jester here, and I feel like a similar sort of comparison between Caleb’s mindsets can be made here. Caleb is both incredibly selfish and incredibly self loathing, this much is obvious. His main goal to change reality and fix his mistakes definitely doesn’t come without casualties or negative effects, potentially on people he knows and loves - and he knows this. Yet, Caleb inexplicably cares for the Mighty Nein, and despite his reluctance to admit it, he shows this in nearly all his efforts towards the group.His personal goals versus group goals are almost paradoxical. Caleb goes out of his way to help his friends, can’t bring himself to leave them, and actively makes efforts to knit the group together - however, he can’t go through with his plans without getting close to them. At the same time, he needs to achieve time travel to fix his past mistakes - however, he can’t let his friends get in the way.He also tends to see them as naive, less intelligent, inefficient, and sometimes inept. There’s plenty of times Caleb prioritizes his own methods over the mighty nein’s, doesn’t consider how his actions will affect them, or vaguely talks down to them. Yet, he also completely loathes himself. Most evil characters believe they’re doing the right thing - Caleb rarely expresses any view of his own talents or actions that isn’t condemning, which is one of the things that voids him from being classified as evil.Caleb and Liam both make no attempt to hide that he’s fond of Jester, and he has really good insight into her personality beyond her front. He’s also terrified of her discovering who he truly is. Being Caleb, he knows he’s an intelligent bastard, and he’s convinced he’s fooled her into not seeing through him the way she sees through him (which I think is him underestimating Jester immensely, like I said about him viewing the Mighty Nein as more naive than they really are - she definitely knows more about him than he thinks). Still, being Caleb, he also knows Jester would be heartbroken by what she finds underneath his already cracking shell.Caleb’s not interested in it ready for any sort of romantic relationship right now, but if he ever catches feelings for another Mighty Nein member, I think he will certainly try and suppress his feelings and avoid addressing them. Even more certainly, I think he will also be convinced they’re both a distraction and a roadblock in addition to his own crippling self esteem issues.Anyone Caleb is interested in romantically (especially Jester, since he tends to treat her as a respected equal, and also with an almost unprecedented gentleness), he would view as majorly out of his league, I agree. I don’t even think he’d feel like a minor league third baseman compared to an MLB pitcher - I think he’d probably equate himself more to a spectator at a little league tee ball game.And I definitely think his potential partner (Jester, in this case) would probably have insecurities as well, and that would need to be addressed. Honestly though? I can definitely see Caleb falling into a repetitive cycle of self hatred, pushing people away because of that, and hating himself even more for it. It could create a potential unavoidable hurdle for him in future relationships, platonic or romantic.

[everlarkficexchange]

Dissever My Soul From Yours (part 2)

Written by: @alliswell21

Rated: Mature  *Smut Ahead*

Warnings: Modern AU; Age Gap; Mourning; Grief Stages; Hurt and Comfort; Angst; Brief Description Of Domestic Abuse; Implied Past Child Abuse; Smut; Guilt; Canon Typical Anger Issues; Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. All mistakes are mine.

Synopsis: Losing a loved one is hard enough, losing a child is torture. Peeta Mellark struggles to move on from the loss of his son, so he clings to the last piece of him left alive, his son’s girlfriend. Based on Prompt 106: Katniss is Rye’s girlfriend when he dies. Katniss and Peeta (Rye’s father) start to hang out to go through their grief together. [submitted by Anonymous]

Acknowledgements: Thank you Anon for this prompt, I wish I knew who you were to dedicate it to you, but I guess this way the story simple belongs to the universe :) Also thank you @kleeklutch for reading this through and helping me get my ideas straight… I truly loved your insights! lastly, thank you Everlark Fic Exchange from bring us all together! 

Other Notes: Excerpt of the lyrics to “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman (Toy Story, 1995)

Excerpts and rewordings for the poem “Annabel Lee” by Edgar Allan Poe; featuring the poem “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe

This fic got away from me. I had outlined it to be around 8-10K words, but this monstrosity grew up to be close to 32K… this is the second part, and when I post the story to AO3 there will be an epilogue. 

KPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKP

I press the call button, but chicken out after the first ring and hang up tossing the phone on the couch next to me and putting a cushion on top of it for good measure.

  My childish fix doesn’t help one bit. The phone rings under the cushion all the same, because stupid smartphones are snitches. I miss the 80’s when the most technologically advanced phone was a wireless wall unit.

  “Hello?” I answer, pretending to yawn. I’m not sure what does that help.

  “Hey! Were you trying to call me?” She asks.

  There’s something about hearing her voice that makes my heart stutter. Suddenly I want to see her. Badly.

  “Rye’s headstone is ready.”

  There’s a pause on the other side of the line.

  “I’m coming over.” She says determinedly.

  I hear some shuffling, her breathing pattern fluctuating while she does who-knows-what. Then she asks if I need anything, if I’m okay. But I only make some nonverbal noises. I just want her here. I’m about to tell her I’m going to put the phone down, we can talk when she comes, but I hear the unmistakable turn of a key in my front door, and when I look up, there she is, walking into my apartment.

  Her hair is down, I’ve only ever seen it down a handful of times, but it’s the first time I feel the urge to run my fingers through it’s length. Pull on it a little. See what sounds she’ll produce if I do so.

  My groin area grows warm and tight, and for a moment I lose myself in this devious reaction to her, a primitive hunger unfurling in my core, all consuming and blinding to the rest of the world. I hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing but the scent of her. I watch her with sicken glee as she hurries towards me. I twitch excitedly when she drops in the couch next to me, willing her to just come closer.

  Yes pretty girl, come closer, put your sweet little arms around me, so I can… so I can… so I can…

  The scary voice of the mutt inside me gets fainter the longer I repeat the the last three words.

  So I can… Do what?

  So I can do what?

  “Peeta!” She squeezes my hand, breaking the cursed spell.

  I tear my hand out of hers as if her finger had burned my skin. She retracts her hand and her face turns scarlet in embarrassment, but when my eyes can’t focus on anything, her gaze fills with concern.

  “Hey, where did you go just now? Are you okay? I’m here.” She tells me soothingly, chancing a pass of her hand over my shoulder.

  I have the feeling she’s been trying to get me out of it for a while. I wish I could tell her I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m shaky.

  I don’t know what exactly just came over me. I felt like the wolf, disguised and salivating for Red Riding Hood’s tender flesh. I feel predatory. Dirty. Despicable.

  I start crying. It’s all I can do to release this darkness inside.

  I’m furious with myself when she mistakes my odd behavior as grief, and pulls me down to lay my head on her lap as the rest of my body curls into itself, because I should ask her to leave, I should tell her I may turn into a beast and devour her whole, but I refuse to deprive myself from her touch; because I’m selfish, because I’m disturbed in the head, because I’m a fucked up, lonely failure in love with his son’s girl.

  Somewhere deep down, I’ve always knew I a was goner, and I hate myself for being weak, perverted and a bad father. The worst part, I can’t make myself want to stop falling for her.

  ——-

  Rye’s headstone gets placed on his grave on a Thursday morning.

  It’s cold and windy out, though the sun is shining. I’m surprisingly calm through the whole event. It just feels like it’s the end of the story. He’s gone then, for real. Nothing will bring him back and his name glaring at me in that fucking rock is the proof.

  My father is bawling though. My mother can’t even look at the stone, it’s as if it hurts her, just glancing at it.

  The cynical part of me rejoices that finally something happened to force her show she actually gives a damn. The vindictive side of me wants to scream at her, that she’s a hypocritical bitch, she tossed me out on my ass when I told her I was raising the baby on my own.

  “If you think you’re big enough to ruin your life, then you must be big enough to be on your own.” Those words will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life.

  At the end, after everything was said and done, it turns out my mother loved Rye, doted on him even. Grandbabies have that effect on people. They make the most unfeeling individuals softer, loving, sweet. I’ll never know what that feels like, loving your child’s child. My hopes for grandchildren are buried with Rye.

  As if in autopilot, my eyes find Katniss and I stare at her, scanning her navy blue peacoat clad form from head to toe. Beautifully sculpted legs asides, I stop on her middle and stare where my grand babies should’ve bloom and be given life.

  She’s free to find someone else to fill her belly with children. Though she says she doesn’t want them, I’ve seen her interacting with my nephews, she’s amazing with kids.

  A possessive thought sinks it’s claws in my mind. Her womb should be filled with Mellarks, not some faceless schmuck threatening my legacy. But Rye’s is really dead, who’s stopping her from falling in love with someone else, marrying them, have children… be happy with a family of her own, where I have no place in.

  Now I’m angry at Rye for dying.

  He left me alone. He took my potential family with him into his grave.

  Katniss wanders off after paying her respects to Rye. Her mother and sister trail after her like a family of ducklings.

  When the three of them are together, is clear to see who the head of the Everdeen household really is.

  Prim came to the cemetery with two small bouquets. One she placed against the shiny, new headstone of one Rye Joshua Mellark, the other, I see her place in a vial on the mausoleum where ashes are put to rest.

  Something tells me that if I came snooping around, I’d catch a glimpse of Mr. Everdeen’s last resting place.

  “Bread Boy, when are you heading home?” Jo startles me, when she sidles closer on my left.

  I turn to look at her, but she’s staring at the Everdeen’s in the distance.

  “As soon as she’s done,” I gesture to the Everdeens vaguely.

  Jo frowns, so as way of plantation I inform her, “She came here with me.”

  Jo gives me a disapproving stare that I ignore. After a while she simply sighs. “That was ballsy of you. Stealing and rewording Annabel Lee.” She says in reference to a line I commissioned to be etched at the bottom of the headstone.

  She entones,

“Wingèd seraphs of Heaven   Coveted him. And this was the reason that,   In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Navy seaman”

  I glare at her for a moment.

  “I thought Rye hated Poe.” She adds flicking her fingernails, and old habit of hers. It means she’s holding back.

  “He still knew it by heart.” I deadpan.

  “Because it was your favorite! You used to bored him to tears with it. How come you’re still trying to shove it down the poor kid’s throat?”

  All gloves are off now.

  “Because of her!” I point in the direction of Katniss, hissing and whispering harshly. “She loves Poe! and then he did too! I just didn’t know it until the wake. Then, she shows me some of his letters; he wrote the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever read, and he was fucking amazing, Jo, the kid had a natural talent with words we never knew!” I’m so angry at Rye.

  I’m also jealous. I feel like he hid something we could’ve have in common, bond over probably, and shared it with someone else instead. I feel he kept part of him from me, and that just hurts deeply.

  I paw off an angry tear from my eye, “He credited me for his love of dark poetry.” I say bitterly. “Apparently, lying to his girlfriend about how he adored her favorite author, instead of telling her he felt indifferent about it, was what got him into her pants. I don’t know, Johanna. It was Katniss’ idea, to include Annabel Lee since it was Rye’s favorite poem according to her.”

  Johanna’s face remains hard the whole while.

  “Did it occurred to you, that maybe your son did like your pal Eddie after all? Obviously he was into emo chicks I find hard to swallow. And since when did he have to show you his love poems? You were his dad! He loved you, but he was his own person too, Peeta.” She starts to walk away from me.

  “Tell me when get your head out of your ass. I’ll be here waiting with tequila, seeing as you refuse to listen to me.” She tosses over her shoulder heading towards my dad and brothers.

  I’m mad at her too!

  On the ride back home, we’re both quiet. Our hands kept brushing against the other over the center console the entire ride.

  We stop at a restaurant, because we are not ready to go back home to face our new reality after Rye.

  My hands keeps finding her waist, the small of her back, the end of her braid. She seems content with my proximity, leaning into me, holding on to my arm when we walk, and when we’re finally seated, the touches just get bolder. At one point, my forearm rests on her knee while we play thumb war on the table with our free hands.

  The waiter wishes us to enjoy the rest of our date, and she smiles brightly at him and thanks him. We hold hands the rest of our meal, all the way to the car and all the way up to my place. She spends the night in the spare room Jo hasn’t stayed in in 7 weeks. I’ve been counting.

  We change out of our nice clothes, I miss seeing her in a dress and heels, but I like her in her yoga pants more. I’m in basketball shorts and a plain white t-shirt with my socks clad feet on the coffee table, watching Impractical Jokers.

  She plops sideways next me, so her whole back is resting on my right side from our hips up. My arm goes around her automatically. This closeness feels natural, right, comfortable. Domestic.

  She’s reading some book, only glancing at the tv when I’m laughing very hard. During a commercial break, she asks if I’d like a drink or a snack. I’m not used to anyone catering to me this way, but she kisses my cheek, patting my chest, and all I do is nod.

  She comes back with a bottle of Mike’s and a bowl of popcorn, the resumes her place up against my body.

  “What about you?” I ask curiously.

  “What about me?” She questions not looking up from her book, twirling the end of her braid around her fingers.

  “You don’t want a snack?” I ask her, squeezing her side a little.

  She makes a face, “We’re sharing!” She looks at me with a ‘duh’ expression that simply shuts me up.

  I chuckle a little, and pull on her braid wanting to be playful, “Why do girls sit like that all the time?”

  “Like what?” She turns her head to look at me.

  “Crisscrossed applesauce.” I point at her legs. “It doesn’t matter where you guys sit, your legs always go like a pretzel under yourselves.”

  She looks at me under her lashes for a second, and shrugs.

  “Is comfortable.”

  “How? I’ve seen girls sit on the bakery chairs that way. It looks painful as hell.”

  “Don’t know what to tell you, Peeta. I’ve never thought about it.”

  “Yeah, but… isn’t it weird that every. Single. Girl does it? Hell, Jo sits that way!”

  “Then why do you ask Johanna about it?” She snaps aggravated.

  Well, I didn’t expect this vipery response. Girls do this regarding other girls too. They get catty.

  She goes back to her book moodily. I simply hug her. Rye’s mom used to have this same reaction to Jo. A hug usually mollified her, and as Katniss starts to relax in my embrace, I think I’ve succeeded, so I also go back to watch the tv.

  “Why does Johanna hate me?” She asks casually after a while.

  I turn the volume of my show down, though her nose is firmly planted in the book I realize with a jolt is one from the box I gave her a few months ago. Girls also like to seem casual about things that truly bother them. I remember that from Rye’s mom.

  “She doesn’t hate you.” I say softly, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “That’s a strong word.”

  “Could’ve fool me.” She says under her breath.

  She doesn’t say anything further, and I wait a minute longer just in case, but I go back to my show since she’s yet to stop reading.

  Ten minutes later, she adds. “I don’t like her either. So I guess we’re even.”

  The truth is that neither has to like the other. I like them both and that’s what matters, but I know for a fact that saying that will just make her angry enough to leave, and I don’t want her to leave, so I keep my mouth shut.

  She leans her head on my shoulder a few minutes later, and without thinking about it, I place a kiss on the top of her head and rest my cheek on it.

  “How come you didn’t tell me this were all your books? I was bound to figure it out at some point. You’ve scribble on most of the margins. Which isn’t entirely kosher, you know. You’re defacing the books.”

  I chuckle, dropping another kiss to the crown of her head, “It wasn’t important. Sorry if my notes bothered you.”

  “I wasn’t bothered. I’m just telling you that other people would find that off putting.” She snuggles into me.

  She doesn’t say anything for a bit. Then she speaks quietly.

  “Rye told me once he felt like you were more involved in our relationship than he was. He was joking of course, but he said that he didn’t mind it as long as we kept the geeky to ourselves when he was around.” She closes the book and lowers it to her lap, her face finds the crook of my neck, but she doesn’t stay there long.

  She sits up. “You know what I thought about today?”

  I shake my head, my hand still resting on her hip, willingly her to sit back as she was.

  “I thought, that now that he’s officially gone, we don’t have to hide ourselves anymore.”

  She turns to face me, her eyes are filling with tears.

  “Does that make me a bad person?”

  She doesn’t let me answer. She’s up and inside the spare bedroom in the blink of an eye. She cries the rest of the night, locked behind the door. I just sit on the floor with my back on her wall and let her say her final goodbyes.

  ———

  It’s May 8th, Katniss’ 22 birthday, and she warned me to not even think of congratulating her. She’s going to see her sister and mother this weekend, back home in Panem, but today I took the day off and left the shop in my store manager, Rue’s, capable hands.

  Rue and Katniss met a couple of years ago at the bakery and hit it off despite there being a few years age gap. They speak a language of their own those two, and though I knew of Katniss’ birthday because of Rye, it’s Rue who insists I do something low key for her.

  At 6:15 I rap on her door, and rock on the ball of my feet holding a tiny bouquet of wild onions and katniss blooms behind my back.

She scowls at me as soon as she opens the door.

  “Wipe that silly grin off your face, Peeta. I’m warning you, I don’t do birthdays.”

  “Come on!” I cajole stepping into her apartment when she stomps back in. “You don’t even know what I’m here for!”

  She just glares at me, and I smile widens. I stick the flowers and inch from her nose, unable to say any of the words I had practiced on my way down to her floor.

  Instead, I just say, “I’m taking you up!”

  She’s staring at my flowers, still not taking them from my hand, but her eyes are as big as silver dollars.

  “Where did you get these?” She asks in awe caressing a petal of a katniss flower.

  “Garden on the roof,” I say nonchalantly.

  “What? That’s impossible!”

  “Not really. There’s a bunch of the things up there. If you wanna see it, then put on some shoes and I’ll show you.” I tell her easily.

  “I’m in my pajamas!” She protests.

  “So? I think you look cute. Plus nobody goes up there anyway.”

  We’re out her door and in the elevator in a heartbeat. She’s exuding excitement and it’s contagious. When we step in the 13th floor, there’s a flight of stairs we have to climb and then we’re on the roof of the building.

  Her mouth drops open in astonishment when she sees the sea of wild flowers all over planters in every inch of the roof, and in the very middle, there’s a picnic set up.

  “Where did all this come from?” She whispers out softly. Her hand gliding over the cheerful blooms closest to her.

  “Well, technically, they all came from Panem!” I say simply.

  “How?” She faces me demanding my answers.

  “I had your sister’s boyfriend find them for a fee, and then I just transplanted them here.” I say trying to shove down the ever increasing anxiety I’m feeling. “The duck potatoes were the hardest ones to get to take… you can recreate their habitat without water.”

  Her eyes snap to me dangerously. “What kind of fee did you pay?”

  “Monetary kind.”

  “How big of a fee? Because these plants are basically weeds in the woods back home, and if Rory dared to rip you off—“

  “Katniss! Can you for once, just enjoy something nice some has done for you? let someone else worry about costs and such for once.”

  Her eyes soften. “You didn’t have to go through this trouble,” she gestures around us.

  “Just say you like the flowers, and that you’re hungry, and we’re even,” I smile at her.

  She smiles back, albeit reluctantly and nods.

  We’re both wearing crowns of dandelions she weaved for us, dipping cheese buns in hot chocolate, when she asks seriously, “How did you come up with this idea?”

  “You said you wanted to go home. And I know you’re going to say you’ll be in Panem Friday evening, but when you talked about your favorite birthday being out in the woods with your father, gathering wild onions, and katniss tubers, and mint leaves… I wanted you have that memory back, but I’m not your father, I’ve never set foot in woods in my life. I know how to tend a garden, and I figured the city needed more pretty wildflowers, like you.”

  “Peeta…” she sighs my name, and I swear I’ll never forget the effect that sound had over my body and soul. Her eyes search mine, imploringly. “Why are you so nice to me?”

  I stare at her for a moment, the words that come of my mouth, escape without my consent.

  “You know why,”

  “I do?” Her voice is breathy, and dances away with the swift breeze.

  “You have, no idea the effect you can have…” my voice matches hers.

  I don’t think she meant to speak the words, since her lips barely move, but I heard them all the same, minute and ethereal, here a moment and gone the next, “kiss me?”

  And who am I to deny her anything?

  In the blink of an eye, I lean forward and pull her lower lip inside my mouth, I release soon after, to kiss her properly, and my hands move in to trap her face and pull her closer to me. Her hands take hold of my wrist and she just sighs contentedly against my mouth.

  In a matter of seconds, she’s migrated to my lap, and the kisses turn into a straight up makeout session. Things just escalate from there without any kind of brake. We are free falling, and neither of us cares.

  My lips and tongue seek her skin hungrily and she’s just too happy to oblige dipping her head back granting me access.

  Is an unseasonably warm evening, so we’re both wearing shorts, hers is a flimsy material that matches her tank top. I’m taking complete advantage of her skimpy sleep clothes, my hands caress the supple olive skin of her shapely legs all the way down to her ankles, then creep back to her hips.

  My lips are attached to her jaw, my tongue dances across her neck and collarbone. At some point, we ended up laying on the picnic blanket. I’m hovering above her.

  “Is this okay?” I whisper into her ear, nipping her lobe before sliding my hand into her hair to undo the braid.

  “Yes,” She sighs.

  I kiss her some more and she speaks raggedly against my lips.

  “Peeta. You make my heart race…”

  She takes my hand, and slips it flushed against herself from her hip, all the way to her chest, where her heart is indeed beating frantically. The palm of my hand is half on her breast and half over the spot where heart beats. Her tank rides up as she drags my hand up her body.

  I swipe my thumb over her nipple under the thin fabric of her shirt, and she arches her chest to meet the slight touch. I take it as permission to dip my hand under her top, and almost cry when I’m met with bare flesh. I push the tank top up and she raises her arms so I can pull it over her head. After tossing her shirt to the side I dive in to devour her perky, pretty breast.

  She digs her fingers into my hair, to keep my head in place. She didn’t need worry. I’m not going to stop sucking on her nipples any time soon.

  I’ve pinned her lower half to the ground with my hips, but I don’t dare move for fear that I’ll explode in my shorts. Katniss is making the most delicious noises I’ve ever heard, undulating her body against mine, and I have to give her something to stimulate her, so I bring a hand to her knee and let my hand travel slowly upwards and inward, as I suck and kiss her breasts non stop.

  I’m only aware of how big of a mistake touching her there is for me, when I find the cotton of her panties soaking wet and hot. She shouts as soon as my fingers find her.

  “Peeta… please…” she begs.

  So I slip one finger under her underwear, and find the glorious mess of her arousal, dripping wet and warm.

  “Fuck, Katniss… you’re soaked.”

  “Your. F-fault.” She meowls twisting under my weight.

  “My fault? Do I make you wet often?” I tease her slit unhurriedly.

  “Y-yessss. Ah… lot…”

  “When?”

  “I don’t. Knooow. All the tiiiiimeeeee?” I slide my finger inside her and her head rolls back.

  “Peeta… don’t… tease!”

  Her own slim hand snakes down our bodies, and palms the bulge in my shorts. Is too much, I pull away but she whines. She opens her glassy eyes, and stares me down until she’s wrestled my cock out of my shorts.

  Her grey eyes grow determined, she pulls my erection in her tight fist making me grunt with want. I push her panties aside, just as she positions the head of my cock at her entrance.

  “No more teasing!” She breathes out sternly.

  “Whatever you want, Katniss. Just answer me this question first,” I plead, and she nods. “Are you in love with me?” I hear the shakiness in my voice, the desperation, “I need to know.” I whisper into her ear, leaving a kiss in the shell.

  “Yeah,” she breathes out against my cheekbone. “Been for a while.”

  I picture in my head all the times I’ve caught her staring at me, blushing and smiling sweetly. I know in my heart she’s accepted her feelings and come to terms with them before now, I want to give her anything she wants, including my heart, if she asks for it on a platter!

  I press into her slowly to give her a chance to adjust to my girth. She gasps, and her clever dainty fingers curl around my shoulders tighter the deeper I go. She’s so wet and welcoming, her body offers no resistance whatsoever. Her walls envelop my erection like a fitted glove, accepting the intrusion with a warm, snug hug.

  She feels like heaven.

  Once I’m completely sheathed in her, all I can do is hold on to her hips for dear life while I wait for my lungs to breathe naturally. I’m scared I’m going to blow my load if I move, it’s agony trying to tell your body to calm the hell down when all I want is to get lost in the sensations.

  She seems to understand I need a minute, because one of her hands let’s go of my biceps, caress my face lovingly, then she kisses my jaw and nuzzles her nose on the side of my face.

  “We have all night, take me slowly.” She breathes into my ear.

  My forehead drops to the crook of her neck for a moment. It’s been so long since a woman has shown me affection, I want to soak it all up and live in her warmth forever. I kiss a path from her cheek to her mouth, and start moving slowly within her.

  Pulling almost all the way out, then plunging back in quickly, thrusting all the way to the hilt. The elastic of her panties rubbing on the side of my dick drives me insanely hard. Her hot breath hitches every time I enter her hightnenig the feeling.

  She barely makes any noises, her mouth forms a silent scream, I’m convinced I just expelled all the air out of her body when I slid in.

  I pick up my pace, when her feet lock around my calfs, thrusting faster and harder; that does it for her, and I swear is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.

  She moans my name over and over, her body seizing under mine, and her walls fluttering around me ushers my own release.

  I slump on top of her and she attacks my chin and neck with tight lip nips. She actually bites the collar of my t-shirt and pulls on it like a playful puppy.

  She giggles, and starts playing with a curl of hair that’s fallen on my eyes. My whole body shakes with her laughter.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask her curiously cracking one eye open so I can look at her disheveled, beautiful, flushed face.

  Her hair falls wildly around her head like an inky halo. I love it. I love her.

  “Nothing really. I was just mentally calling myself a horny hoe… you felt so thick inside me, I was wondering how long I’d have to wait to see your hard dick properly? I was wondering if next time we could be completely naked? I could give it a lick if you think that’ll help…” she trails her short nails down my arm blinking her lashes innocently.

  Then, she purrs, “Can’t wait to give you head.” She has the fucking audacity to suck her bottom lip inside her mouth giving me a peek of her teeth and pink tongue.

  I’m rock hard and ready to go, just like that.

  She oomphs when I scramble off the ground pulling her up by the waist. I grab her top and shove it in her hands before picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder, like a sack of flour. She squeals and kicks at first, but then she just giggles as I bound down the stairs, leaving behind the picnic to deal with later.

  Her shorts and panties are still askew from before. I run a finger down her messy slit and inform her, “You can have me naked and in your mouth in a minute. But I’m eating you out first, so brace yourself sweetheart, I’m not done with you just yet!”

  ———

  I wake up to a rain of sweet, loving kisses peppered all over my face by luscious, warm lips.

  I try to trap her in my arms, but she’s sitting in a very weird position just out of my reach. She giggles pecking my eyelid.

  “I have a meeting with a professor in an hour. I have to go.”

  “Is he hot? Your professor?” I ask sleepily.

  She chuckles. “No. Professor Lattier is awfully smart and a great mentor, but I don’t find him attractive.”

  “I don’t like having competition… the brainiacs are the worst!” I lunge at her and drag her back into the bed as she yelps. “They always end up charming the pretty girls, at the end of the movies.”

  She turns in my arms laughing, until she’s laying across my body. Punctuated with lazy kisses on the lips, she assures me, “You. Have no. Competition. Anywhere!” She smiles down at me, “I happen to like the jock, wrestling champs, with hearts of gold type… like you!”

  “Good! Everything is right with world then.”

  We kiss again. Languidly.

  “I’ll bring take out for supper this evening?”

  “But I texted Rue that I wasn’t coming in today either, so I could stay in bed with you all day!” I pout. “Can’t you just meet with the professor real quick and come home right away?”

  She giggles again, and kisses me all over.

  “I think we need a little break to rest ourselves, don’t you?” She combs my hair back off my forehead. “You can have me all to yourself tonight, I have to finish my graduation project this week, otherwise…” She runs the palm of her hand down my bare chest with a wicked smirk. “That was some birthday gift!”

  She’s fast though. Before I can move to pin her under me again she hops off the bed and blows me a kiss from the door.

  “You minx!” I call after and her melodic laugh trails down the hall and dies when she leaves the apartment.

  I try to sit up, but every muscle in my body screams. My junk is chafing too. She’s probably right about that break; I can’t imagine how she feels. I took her in every conceivable position I know, and made her cum at least twice as many times.

  I lay back down and reminisce on last night’s events.

  It wasn’t all just mindless fucking, we had some quiet moments filled with meaningful conversations or just easy banter. Our age difference was never an issue last night, and although in the last few years I’ve gotten a bit of a flabby belly, she seemed to enjoy my body as much as I enjoyed hers.

  It was what I’ve always pictured a healthy, mature relationship would feel and look like. I can’t wait to be with her again, and I don’t mean in bed.

  I want to take her out on dates, or just sit sit somewhere quietly and sketch her. My mind gets away from me, planing future trips to Europe, because once, she mentioned how she’d love to travel but never had the means to since growing up she had to help support her sister Primrose.

  I’m not a millionaire, but I’m pretty loaded. I could take her anywhere in the world. I think we should start with London, so she can visit all the places she knows from literacy. I bet she’d get a kick out of Paddington Station. We could get a Sherlock Holmes and also a Harry Potter tour… she’s so well read, my Katniss!

  But the human mind is just as much a pitfall of despair, as it is a well of dreams and noble ideas.

  MY Katniss?

  She isn’t mine.

  She belongs to Rye.

  Guilt, shame and self loathing hits me like a ton of bricks.

  What have I done?

  The roiling in my stomach gets painful and I have to rush to the toilet to vomit.

  I get up, shower, avoid looking at myself in the mirror for fear of what I’ll find in my reflection.

  The out of the blue, I have to see.

  The white hair in my temples looks painfully obvious now that my hair is damp and a shade darker. My two day stubble is also sprinkled with the white fuckers, mocking me.

  Suddenly I’m questioning if any of her actions were real. Did she mean anything she said last night about liking me?

  Our age difference is so stark and jarring when she’s not around to muddle up my thinking process. I can’t think straight when she’s around. I’m not sure is my memories of her are real or not. Looking back, everything has a shiny quality to it, too hypened.

  After getting dressed, I pull the covers off the bed and switch them for clean ones. I febreze the entire bedroom, because it’s smells like sex with her, and I can’t deal with the emotions her scents stirs in me.

  But I’m jumpy. I need something to do, so I go through a box I haven’t dare touch since packing it back in winter. I’m not ready for this, but in the dark recesses of my mind, some nagging voice suspiciously similar to my mother’s says that I deserve punishment for being a weak creep.

  My hands tremble when I grab Rye’s duffle bag. He never got the chance to fully unpack.

  I’m a despicable piece of shit! Here I was planning some romantic trip with his girlfriend, when I never once asked him if he wanted to go somewhere. Granted, we did travel some when he was young, we visited most of the important landmarks all over the continental US, and when he graduated high school, before boot camp, we went with Jo to Hawaii for two weeks. He tried to look excited, but I knew he missed Katniss the whole time. I wish I had asked her mother permission to bring her with us.

  Could I’ve been that dad that condones their underaged children have sleepovers with their sweethearts? Did any parent in the world actually allow that?

  I gave my child the best life I could; why do I steal from him in death, is beyond me.

  The tears start falling freely as soon as I unzip the bag and I’m met with my boy’s scent. The first t-shirt I pull out of the duffle, I recognize as one he’s had since high school. I completely lose it.

  I bring the worn cotton to my nose and breathe my son in. I hug the shirt to my chest and scream in pain. I can’t go on for maybe an hour, and really I should just stop, find one of those hermetic storing bags, so every ounce of my Rye’s precious essence is preserved. But I need to atone for what I did. I can’t even think of it or call it by its name, but the ugly sensations twisting the pit of my stomach into a knot won’t let me have a reprieve, so I keep unpacking, and then I see it, rolled up into a sock, stuffed into a boot, a tiny black box.

  I don’t wanna open it, I don’t wanna know what’s inside, but what else could it be?

  And now I’m filled with full hot white rage. So much so I want to go find her, yell at her, tell her how much I hate her for what she’s doing to me, to Rye. To his memory, but I don’t, I just sit there and cry.

  ————-

  “Knock, knock!” Her voice is cheerful, carefree, innocent, and grating in my ears.

  Up until this point, I’ve only blamed myself for the betrayal of Rye. But now that I hear her, I realize she was an all too willing participant in this debacle,

going as far as inciting the events. She has a responsibility too in this mess.

  A small voice in the back of my mind tries to tell me that I’m just projecting my own guilt on her, that my anger is unwarranted, that she has no idea of what I’ve been stewing in my head all day, but I want to be angry, I want to lash out, I want her to feel as sad and hurt as Rye probably does right now!

  ‘It’s the grief talking’. “It’s the truth!” I argue with myself with low growls.

  She walks in the kitchen and the smell of fried rice attacks me, making my stomach churn uncomfortably.

  “Hi handsome!” She greets obviously to the storm brewing in my chest. “Did someone forget it was my turn making dinner?” She asks playfully when she sees me hard at work kneading some dough.

  “I didn’t forget. I just don’t want Chinese food” I say quietly.

  She had been unpacking bags but abruptly stops, I glance at her for the first time since she left this morning, and I punch the dough harder than is necessary.

  She’s so beautiful it’s gutting me out.

  The smile etched in her face slowly falls as the tension in the room mounts.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I bought all this food because I’ve been ravenous all day after last night. I could’ve gotten something else.” She chuckles nervously.

  I stop kneading, and take a beer from the fridge.

  “I think you better leave.” I say flatly, take a nice long drink from my bottle the whole time staring her down.

  “Are you… is this… did I miss something? what’s- what’s the matter?” She’s visibly stunned, there are around 10 little containers of take out sprawl on the counter, she eyes them wearily, but starts putting them back in the plastic bags she brought them in.

  I have to hold onto the back of a chair, just to feel in control of myself.

  I can see the concern in her eyes. I know her well enough to know she’s trying to tamp down her own emotions, she’s very wise that way. If she doesn’t understand something, she waits until she can see the whole picture.

  “I just… I can’t deal with y— ‘it’ right now.” I bow my head and squeeze the back of the chair until my circulation cuts.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Her voice is thin and broken.

  That’s when I scream at her.

  “You don’t think cheating on your dead boyfriend is enough wrongdoing?”

  She flinches at my outburst, frozen in place.

  “He bought you a fucking ring, you know, and you repay him by sleeping around?” I accuse her viciously.

  She’s panicking, but I don’t feel anything right now, other than shame and guilt, and she’s the cause of it. The floodgates of hell have been opened, I can’t stop the vile that comes out of my mouth, even though I know I’m being completely unfair.

  “My son hasn’t been in the ground five months and I’m fucking his girl raw! But you ask if you’ve done something wrong? You’re letting me, a man 18 years older than yourself, fuck, you who can barely rent a car legally! You should be mourning my son, not sleeping with me, that’s what’s wrong!”

  I take a lamp from the corner of the counter and throw it across the kitchen until it smashes on the wall besides her.

  She shrieks and slings herself the opposite way.

  She doesn’t move for a minute, huddle by the refrigerator. She looks terrified and my heart breaks into a million pieces.

  “I— Katniss—” I try.

  She shakes her head, extends her arm and gives me her palm to stop me, to keep distance between us. She grabs the bags of food trembling like a leaf from head to toe, muttering under her breath between choked whimpers something about the homeless around the corner, and how much they’ll appreciate a nice warm meal.

  Her face is a mess of tears and snot.

  I want to rush to her, wrap her in my arms and apologize a million times, whispering in her ear that I didn’t mean it, that it’s not her fault, that I’m a jerk and a fuck-up just like my mother always told me I was.

  But I don’t move and inch. I’m not just an useless fuck-up, I’ve turned into a monster, an abusive mutt. I’ve turned into my mother.

  I’m paralyzed. My body doesn’t respond to my frantic commands, not even when she hightails out the kitchen.

  “Katniss?” I plead choking back a sob.

  But the front door slams after her.

  ———-

  It’s been a week since I scared Katniss away, and I feel like shit.

  I run into her in the lobby. She perks up, standing straighter, and I can’t help my wandering eyes.

  Her hair is loose today, and she’s got makeup on, she’s wearing slacks and a nice flowy blouse. I wonder where is she coming from, but instead of talking to her like a normal person, I ignore her.

  My eyes flit back towards her, then I board the elevator and we just stand face to face, staring at each other mutely. She’s chewing on the inside of her cheek and holding to her big girl purse as she calls it, for dear life. Neither of us move but eventually the elevator doors start closing.

  There’s a fraction of a second in which her eyebrows arch expectantly, like she’s giving me a chance to do something; her gaze searches my eyes, but I see the disappointment dulling down her usually sparkly eyes. She finally lets her eyes fall away. The last thing I see before the doors are shut, are her shoulders hunching.

  My eyes are stuck on the spot I last saw her, but in front of me is only my own reflection on the buffed steel surface of the elevator.

  I look even older.

  Is better this way. I have no business messing with a 22 year old. She can do so much better. She did so much better. She used to have Rye. Now she’s got no one because I took myself from the equation.

  The next day I come home to a neat pile of books on my coffee table that weren’t there when I left for work in the morning. On top of the books is a note hastily scribbled in Katniss’ loopy handwriting, and on top of the note, the spare key to my apartment she had never gotten around to return until now.

  My eyes prickle with unshed tears.

  She returned even the books she took the day of the wake.

  With a pang to the heart I pick up the note and stick it on the fridge, right on the place she had leaned her head to cry on, because I deserve to be reminded everyday of the things I’m not allowed to want, let alone have.

  ‘Alone’

From childhood’s hour I have not been As others were—I have not seen As others saw—I could not bring My passions from a common spring— From the same source I have not taken My sorrow—I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone— And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone— Then—in my childhood—in the dawn Of a most stormy life—was drawn From ev’ry depth of good and ill The mystery which binds me still— From the torrent, or the fountain— From the red cliff of the mountain— From the sun that ’round me roll’d In its autumn tint of gold— From the lightning in the sky As it pass’d me flying by— From the thunder, and the storm— And the cloud that took the form (When the rest of Heaven was blue) Of a demon in my view—

  Edgar Allan Poe

  ———

  It’s been over three months since I last saw Katniss. Closed to 9 months since laying Rye to rest.

  Thanks to Rue I know Katniss graduated college last week. Her mother and sister were here for that, and she got a job her professor recommended her for. She didn’t even interviewed for it! It doesn’t surprise me. She’s so smart and clever, she is also such a hard worker.

  I was so proud of her, I think I smiled the whole time Rue was talking about Katniss’ accomplishments.

  “You should call her.” Rue says and my smile fades. “Whatever fall out you two had, it’s obvious you miss each other.”

  “No. I’m being realistic, she doesn’t need me holding her hostage to some loyalty to Rye. He’s dead, she’s not, she deserves to live her life.”

  “I understand you want her to move on, but so should you, Peeta. Loving someone is not a sin. But not fighting for that love… well, that’s just tragic. Don’t look at me like that, mister!” She sasses when I just stare at her in disbelief. “I’ve known how you felt for her for ages.

  “You think you’re so discreet? Well, it’s pretty much written all over your face. That lovesick puppy face you make when you say her name is a pretty obvious giveaway.”

  “What? you’re exaggerating.” I protest.

  Rue just cocks her head to the side, stares at me and says, “But, am I?”

  ———-

  I get a ping on my phone and I’m surprised to see it’s from her.

  17:55

Katniss: Hey! Can we talk?

  I delete the message. It’s taken me too long to get her out of my system to fall into this rabbit hole again.

  The next day, she calls, and I let it go to voicemail. She calls two more times and I let them ring until the phone goes silent. She leaves messages, but I don’t hear them before erasing them.

  She texts again two days later.

  18:33

Katniss: When will be an appropriate time 2 call U?

  28:34

Katniss: Or U can call me. I’m free anytime

  I ignore those too.

  Johanna finally comes to the city, once I tell her I cut Katniss completely off my life.

  She dusting a picture of Rye wearing his 8th grade quarterback uniform.

  “He hated football.” I say glancing at the picture. “He hated wrestling. He hated baseball. He hated art. He hated everything!”

  “He loved track and swimming.” Jo says smiling down at a picture of baby Rye eating a lemon wedge.

  “Two things Katniss is good at.” I grimace. I didn’t mean to say it aloud. But all comes back to her at the end.

  “Good riddance.” She breathes out. “I’m so relieved you’re not seeing her anymore.”

  My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. I feel like Johanna during Christmas all over again, when I didn’t want to go to Panem and she could understand why I wouldn’t just get over my sadness and join my brothers with all their living sons and have a merry holiday.

  “Why? What did Katniss ever do to you, Jo? What is it about her you hate so much? She’s a sweet, caring, smart, beautiful girl. She doesn’t deserve all this hostility!”

  Johanna is just staring at me weird.

  “WHAT? Goddamnit?” I yell.

  “You’re crying.” She says simply.

  I hadn’t notice. Having tears rolling down my face is so commonplace now, I don’t even feel them anymore.

  Johanna breathes deeply, gets up from her spot and gives me a hug. “I don’t hate her. I just don’t think is healthy for you to hang out together.”

  “I know that! You don’t think I know that? But is not the way you’re thinking. You think she’s gonna hurt me, when in reality I’m the one who hurt her. That’s the reason I let her go, because she needs to be protected from me.”

  Jo looks perturbed, and she doesn’t know half of it. So I fill her in on my doomed relationship with Katniss. The whole time, she just made faces, interjecting here and there, piecing the story together.

  “Peeta! Please tell me you didn’t sleep with her?” She asks anxiously and a little grossed out.

  When I don’t answer she says my name again in disappointment. “Were you at least safe?”  

  I refuse to answer and her face tells me just how bad I’ve fucked up as if I need her judging me, it takes her a while to look at me again, but she finally resolves that the next thing I need to do is have hot date, expensive food, and a good fuck with a lady more on my age bracket, and I’ll be good as new.

  I don’t want to date and fuck anybody other than Katniss, but I let Jo convince me that her remedy will work, because it’ll be like a rebound. I’m not sure about her logic, but I let her set me up in a date, for the next weekend.

  On Saturday night, I open my front door, and jump back startled, when I find Katniss with her knuckles poised to rap on my door.

  I frown. She’s persistent.

  And as pretty as ever, if a bit fuller looking. Johanna would have a field day talking about how round and rosy Katniss’ cheeks are.

  She’s startled too, but undeterred.

  “Hi, Peeta!” She says shyly, “Um, do you have a minute? I’ve been wanting to talk to you. It’s kind of important—“

  “Sorry, I’m late for a date.” I say stepping out of the apartment and locking the door.

  “Oh?” Her eyes flit away, I see the pain in her face, and it sucks.

  “Maybe I’ll see you around sometime next week.”

  “Mmm, m-my lease is up actually. I’m moving back to Panem in a few days. But I have to t—“

  My phone rings, and it’s my date.

  “Sorry, I have to take this… I’ll try and catch you up?” I walk away, and see the agitation in Katniss’ gray eyes.

  “I just need a minute, just a minute,” She practically begs. But then holds back, standing in the middle of the hallway.

  I answer the call and my date tells me she’s 10 minutes away from the restaurant, so I hurry away to the elevator. When I turn around Katniss is still standing there, dejected.

  It strikes me as odd. Her eyes are always so sparkly, even during Rye’s funeral her eyes sparkled, but right now they look dull and sad.

  I’ve just walked away from the girl I once sworn didn’t want to lose. And a conflict unfolds inside me, on the one hand Rue’s telling me to fight for her, on the other, Jo keeps telling me I’m better off without her.

  Who I’m I gonna listen in the end?

  ———-

  I’m pissing drunk. I can barely hold myself up, but I do my best, until I’m in front of the door I’m looking for through slitted eyes.

  I pound on the door as savagely as the coordination of a man with this level of intoxication can muster.

  And then I start slurring loudly.

  “Kantiss! You cock-blocking, cock-blocker!

  “Kantsissss. You win goddamnit!

  “I miss you!

  “Hell, I’m fucking in love with you!

  “Kat-niiiiith!”

  I pound on the door again, “I’m yours! And I’m sorry I’ve been such a… mmm… Kat—” I slip a little.

  When I get up, I start just chanting her name.

  “Katniss, Katniss, Katniss, Katniss, Katniss, Katniss,”

  A door two apartments down the hall flies open, revealing a bewildered Katniss in yoga pants and a loose t-shirt. Her hair is piled up on top of her head in a messy bun. I sigh like a schoolboy when I see her stalk me, looking positively angry.

  “Heeeey, purty thang!” I smile dreamily at her.

  “What the hell are you doing, Peeta? You’re gonna get us in trouble!” She pulls me away from the door I’ve been hollering at.

  “Wait!” I exclaim alarmed. “Where we going? I been knockin’, and callin’ and tellin’ ya shit… you-you came out of the wrong door!” I look back at the door but still go willingly after her when she tugs on my hand.

  “Uh, sorry to break to you, Peeta, but you were about blast down the wrong door.”

  “Na-uh! You live in D12!” I inform her proud of myself.

  She glares at me. “I know! It’s been my address for a few years now. But you were screaming at D10, you’re lucky Dalton is out of town.” We are about to cross under her threshold, but she turns around sharply. “Did you drive here? How did you get home?”

  “I drove myself silly! But first I stopped at the vodka store, because you can’t get smashed without vodka!”

  “So you did this to yourself intentionally,” She rolls her eyes and pulls me inside her apartment.

  “Duuude! This is exactly like your old place! Look it, it even has the same stain of pasgetti I left on the carpet!”

  She huffs. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and in bed.”

  “Are we gonna… do… IT?” I whisper the last two words as if I’m saying something naughty.

  She shuffles me inside the bathroom, and frowns a little with her fists on her hips. Without turning to look at me she says in a no nonsense voice, “We are not gonna have sex, Peeta.”

  “Whyyyy?” I whine. “You’re hotter than a hapaleño! Wait, that ain’t right… ñalapeño, haranero?”

  “It’s either habanero or jalapeño. Sit down here and take off your shoes and socks.”

  “Yeah! That’s it! hañavero!” I smile goofily, doing as she commanded.

  I’m not very coordinated so she has to help, and once my feet are bare, I wiggle my toes at her.

  She bats my foot away before gesturing with her hand. “Shirt.”

  I raise my arms so she can pull of my shirt off, but it’s a button up, so she has to undo the top three buttons before pulling it over my head.

  “You didn’t tell me why you won’t let me do you?”

  ”Pants and underwear off. We’re not having sex because I’m angry at you, Peeta. Plus, you’re skunked and smell horrible.”

  “I love you!” I tell her.

  This makes her stop for a second to glare at me, before continuing.

  “I love you too. Even though you’re a jackass.” She deadpans. “Sit tight for a second, I’m gonna get the water.”

  She takes her own close off real quick and we get into the steaming shower together. She washes my body as if I was a toddler. She even bats my hands away sternly when I try to touch her breasts.

  “You have amazing boobs! I think I’m in love with your boobs.”

  “I know. Turn around and rinse off.”

  Once she declares us cleaned, she gives me a towel and I do a mediocre job drying myself. I follow her to bed. We climb naked under the covers, I’m so tired I don’t even try anything funny.

  “Marry me, Katniss. We should get married,” I stare into her face, while she settles next to me.

  She combs my hair softly, not quite smiling.

  “Ask me again when you’re sober.”

  “Willyousayyes?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Hey, Katniss, have I ever tell you about Lavinia?” She shakes her head. “She has auburn hair and dark green eyes that you’d think are emeralds. She was the first girl I fucked. We fucked like bunnies. In the car, in the movie theatre, in the public library bathroom, in her folks bed, in my dad’s bakery closet. You name it, we’ve fuck there. I knocked her up. She wanted to have an abortion, I told her I’d support anything she wanted, because I was scared shitless.

  “Lavinia’s daddy was a preacher. He didn’t let her have the abortion, but she didn’t want to keep the kid. So, the day Rye was born, I fell in love for the first time, ever! I felt bad I wanted Lavinia to abort him. The child was a joy to be around. So sweet, so funny and opinionated. Lavinia only met him a couple of times. She didn’t come to his funeral because she felt guilty. Her loss. My boy had a family that doted in him, and family who adored him, and a gorgeous girl to call his own, he never really miss her as a mom.

  “But that made think. Maybe, just maybe, Rye was here on borrowed time? And then I think back on all the wonderful times we had together… he was my greatest treasure, my greatest accomplishment and my greatest love. I wish I had given him siblings. I love babies, but the right woman never came along until you showed up, and I feel terrible that I’m stealing from Rye, but I went to see him tonight instead of going on that silly date. I mean, I went to the restaurant, but one small conversation with Ms. Cashmere sweater- whatever her name is- and I knew I wasn’t gonna stay long, and she didn’t regret it either.

  “But, yeah… I went to Rye’s grave, I came clean to him. I told him how I felt for you, and I asked him to forgive me. I told him, that if you’d have me, I’d try my best to honor and cherish you as much as as he did. And I would treat you with love and respect… and then, a breeze started blowing. Sweet and fragrant and warm. It felt like he gave me his blessing, which was further confirmed when I got to my kitchen and was drinking my vodka, and in my head, I heard him reciting some words, and then he said I could borrow his poem. So, here it goes:

  “— Our love it was stronger by far than the love   Of those who were older than we—   Of many far wiser than we— And neither the angels in Heaven above   Nor the demons down under the sea Can ever dissever my soul from the soul   Of the beautiful Katniss Everdeen; For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams   Of the beautiful Katniss Everdeen; And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes   Of the beautiful Katniss Everdeen; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side   Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,

Katniss Everdeen.”

  I pause and look up at her, she has tears in her cheeks, silent ones, but not angry ones.

  “Did you see what I did there?” I ask her trying to wink. I’m still pretty drunk, but this, I’ll remember in the morning.

  She smiles sadly, “Yeah. You replaced Annabel Lee’s with mine. So clever, Peeta. Just one problem, won’t mr. Poe be angry for your plagiarism?”

  “What are you? Poetry police? Nevermore!” I shout and she finally gives me a real smile.

  “You’re impossible.”

  “Nevermore!”

  “Nevermore yourself!” She chuckles, “Go to sleep, you crazy man. Who goes to the graveyard at night?”

  “I had important business with my boy.” I yawn. “Hey Katniss. I won’t forget to ask you to marry me tomorrow. I remember everything about you! So think about your answer? I’d like to know what’s in your mind. I know you don’t want babies. I’m okay with just being us two. But if you ever change your mind, that’s cool too… just think about it. Say you’ll think about it,”

  I don’t hear what she says, sleep catches up with me, but I’m okay since my beautiful Katniss Everdeen is next to me. All my nightmares nowadays are about losing her.

  ———-

  “Peeta?”

  I hear her voice coming groggily from her bedroom. I would’ve answered, if I knew where my voice had gone to.

  I hear shuffling and moving in the other room, then she pads almost silently to the living area. I hear her sighing and walking again. The bathroom door opens and she screams when she turns the light on and she sees me sitting in the tub.

  I don’t turn to face her.

  I can’t.

  My eyes are fixed in the grainy, black and white picture I snatched from the fridge door this morning after getting dressed and attempting to make some very strong coffee for myself.

  I’ve been sitting in the bathtub with my knees drawn to my chest staring at this image ever since.

  Once she recuperates from the jump scare, she walks cautiously inside, lowers the toilet lid and takes a sit. She says nothing, but feel her inquisitive eyes on me.

  All I can think to say is, “Is this what you were hounding me to talk about?” I caress the glossy picture with my thumb.

  My eyes flit to her quickly.

  Her hands are neatly clasped on her lap.

  She nods slowly. “It is.” She confirms.

  “Why didn’t you say anything last night?” I ask her holding her eyes for a short moment.

  “Your were drunk as a skunk! Your head wasn’t in a very good place, and earlier when I went to see you, you acted like you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”

  I release a stuttering breath. She’s right, I did dismiss her without giving her the chance to say her peace, and later I just barged in here like a mad man.

  “And… You’re keeping it?” I’m trying hard to tamp down any emotions I’m feeling, which are confusing at best.

  “I am. I really want it.” Her voice is small but there’s a hint of a smile on her lips.

  “Is this why you’re going back to Panem? What happened with that job offer here in Capitol City?” I ask nervously.

  “I turned down the job. My mama said I could come back home, she’ll cut down on her hours at the hospital to help watch the baby, while I figure what to do for a job. I could apply for few positions there, it shouldn’t be that bad. And Prim…” she hesitates grimacing. “Prim will go to medical school as planned with her scholarship and grants and the small chunk of money my father had the foresight to save all those years ago.” She shrugs, “We’re gonna make it work.”

  “So… your mother knows?” I keep running my thumbs over the sonogram.

  “Of course she knows. I had to tell someone. Who better than a highly qualified nurse practitioner who’s also my mother?” There’s a hint of reproach in her tone.

  I feel like such a tool right now. “Does she know who the daddy is?” I enunciate.

  She frowns. “I didn’t have to tell her actually. She… she kinda just knew. She wasn’t even mad, just… disappointed.” She sighs.

  “Okay. And… what about me?”

  “About you? I guess is up to yourself.”

  Then before I swallow down the words, because I know it’s a terrible, terrible, terrible stupid thing to ask, my mouth runs idiotically in the worst possible question ever. “Any chance I’m gonna be a grandpa?” I grimace right away. I know this is costing me mayor points with her, and I can’t afford that as it is.

  I’m surprised she still responds.

  “I would have to be 19 months far for this child to be your grand baby, if that was even a remote possibility.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “Not that I have to justify this to you, but FYI, including yourself, I’ve slept with only two people my whole life, and neither is related to the other.

  “Rye and I never had sex. We never had the chance. The night he got murdered would’ve been our first time. He wasn’t concerned with sexuality, in fact, sometimes I wonder if he was asexual or something. I guess we’ll never know. Now, can you stop with the weirdness?”

  Well, this is news.

  Katniss and Rye were serious since before he was deployed. I never actively thought about Rye having sex, it’s just too strange, disturbing and gross to think about, but it actually surprises me more to hear he and Katniss weren’t physically intimate than the opposite. Too many implications that only the two of them understand.

  The way he spoke about her,  or how he looked at her like she was the sun. I know my son was smitten. I can’t imagine him not wanting her sexually.

  But I guess, you don’t have to be physical to express love for somebody. Besides the one crazy night of passion, Katniss and I have never been romantically involved, yet we had a level of intimacy I’ve never experience before, and I’m completely smitten with her.

  “Katniss, I honestly don’t wanna know about Rye’s sexual life—“

  “You brought it up!” She snaps.

  “Sorry.” I mutter sheepishly.

  “You should be!” She’s fully scowling now, “The issue with sex with Rye was always a touchy subject for me. For the longest time, I thought that there was something wrong with me, or that he was a closeted gay guy with a girlfriend, wouldn’t had been the first sailor to do something like that.” Her legs are crossed now as well as her arms.

  I’m no body language expert, but she looks very defensive and unapproachable right now.

  “Look, my bladder’s shrunk to the size of a lima bean. I’ve been holding it all this time because I think it is important we have this conversation, Lord knows we have too much shit to deal with, we may even need professional help depending on the direction we’ll take with this, but I have to pee, badly, and I really want a break from this conversation, because you keep putting your foot in your mouth, and my patience is running thin,”

  I assent, knowing she’s right and willing to start being the man both her and the baby deserve, I climb out of the tub heavily. I pass her still sitting on the toilet, bouncing one leg impatiently and her arms still crossed over her chest.

  My mind starts wandering down the wrong path, but I force myself to bring it back and keep it on the straight and narrowed. I won’t let go of the sonogram though, and I’m not sure what am I gonna tell her, but I’m keeping it.

  Once in the living room, I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep pacing in a irregular circle, from the kitchen to the tiny two chair table that doubles as her dining room, around the couch and back to the kitchen to start my loop again. After three laps of that, I start wondering if the baby is hungry?

  I should’ve asked Katniss when was the last time she ate. I should make her breakfast! I have cheese bun ingredients upstairs. She likes those!

  I knock on the bathroom door and speak loudly. “Hey, Katniss… I’m gonna go make us something to eat. Text me if you want me to bring it down here, or we can eat up if you like.”

  “Okay,” comes her response. “I’m feeling nauseous right now, but I can eat!”

  The idea of someone saying that, for real, tickles me, but something tells me laughing out loud about it right now will be counterproductive.

  I’m almost giddy hopping on the elevator and waltzing through my apartment door. I turn on my oven, gather all my supplies, set Pandora to something cheerful; I’m feeling ska, because is that kind of morning, old school but colorful.

  30 minutes later, my buns are in the oven, and my figurative “bun in the oven” rings my doorbell.

  I sigh dreamily when I see Katniss.

  I wonder if the fact that I know she’s pregnant makes any difference in how I look at her? So I indulge myself in simply staring at her in a way I’ve never allowed myself before: unapologetically hungry.

  Her hair is wet and tightly braided, she’s got clean comfortable clothes on and is barefooted. She realizes I’m starting at her feet.

  “I just felt like it,” She says jutting her chin out at me.

  I raise both my hands in surrender. I’m not going to say anything. I’m smarter than that. Instead, I direct her to the breakfast bar where I’ve set my best china, glass and silverware. I wanted to put flowers on the table for her, but I don’t have even a measly fake one in here, so quickly I whipped up some frosting, in a few several colors, and voila!

  Flowers!

  Sugar flowers stuck to an upside down mixing bowl, but still, flowers. A whole bouquet of wildflowers, like the ones I used to have out on the roof, before everything fell apart, and I never returned to tend my garden.

  I usher her to her seat, and help her on the stool, though I know she’s perfectly capable of getting on it herself, I can’t curb the need to touch her… any part of her.

  “For you!” I plate two cheese buns on a dish I’ve pipped wild onion blooms on the edge of.

  Katniss’ eyes go wide.

  She takes one cheese bun delicately, and bites into it with relish. She closes her eyes while chewing, and after swallowing, the floodgates lift.

  I panic. I jump from my stool and round over to her, I pick her up bridal style, and carry her to the couch.

  “What’s the matter, sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it!”

  “Nothing is wrong!” She cries loudly. “The buns are perfect.” She heaves a deep breath.

  Now I’m at a loss, wondering what triggered this episode. “Okay, but why are you crying then?” I try to be as gentle as possible.”

  “I’ve missed cheese buns! I’ve been craving them for weeks, but you were ignoring me, and I went to the bakery to buy me some, but they were out… and I was so hungry! I ate a whole large pizza all by myself, and threw it all up after… now I can’t even smell pizza, I start gagging.”

  She gives me look of misery, then asks me in a tiny voice.

  “What if the same happens with Cheese buns? What if this baby decides to hate them. They’re my favorite food ever! I don’t wanna have to start eating gluten free. I want my bread to be gluten full!”

  “That’ll be ironic, actually. I mean, It’s a baker’s baby.”

  She cries even harder after my attempt at a joke.

  “This isn’t funny, Peeta! Your baby is making me sick! She hates food!”

  “She?” I ask, Katniss isn’t even showing, but I wonder if science is advanced enough, you can tell a baby’s gender so early on.

  “It’s a She… Everdeen’s only give girls,” She grouses.

  I smirk, “Mellarks only give boys,” I smile at her. “Ask my mother, she’ll complain about it. No daughters or granddaughters for her.“

  I lean back on the couch, and she falls on my chest like a rag doll. I start rubbing circles on her back and feel her relax on top of me.

  “One thing I learned in biology when I was a kid, is that men give the gender chromosome. So maybe is a boy…”

  Then all the excitement of the news, crazy as they are gets smashed to smithereens.

  “So… I’m not looking to replace my son.” I say bluntly.

  She sits up and looks down at me wearily.

  “I’m not asking you to.”

  My arms fall off of her when she stands from my lap. I let her go, because I need my space right now.

  “What are you asking then, Katniss?” I cringe internally, I sound accusing even to myself.

  “I’m not asking you anything!”

  “Really? Because you sure as hell wanted to tell me I knocked you up, very badly!”

  She blushes violently. Her eyes are on fire.

  “Is the responsible thing to do!” She yells. “You have the right know. In the sea of irresponsible shit I’ve done in the last few months, this I wanted to do right, because I owed it to everybody: you, Rye and the baby and myself. Whatever you do with the information is totally your prerogative.”

  She’s crossed her arms again, but let’s her shoulders fall. “I was hoping you wanted to be part of the baby’s life. I know you already raised a baby from infancy and this is like starting over again, so I’ll understand if this isn’t for you—“

  I dig the heels of my hands in my eyes. And then say what’s on the tip of my tongue.

  “Let’s get married, then.”

  She frowns. “No.” She answers emphatically.

  I roll my eyes in frustration. “Why the fuck not?”

  “Because last night you were drunk as fuck, borderline alcohol poisoned, and you still managed to do a better proposal then.” She says throwing her hands in the air.

  I did propose to her last night, at least twice, and it did sound better than what I just said.

  “I don’t want you asking me to marry you, because I’m pregnant.” She deflates plucking a cheese bun from her plate, then sitting on the corner of my coffee table facing me.

  “I want the baby, though.” I stress. “I just don’t want to replace or replicate Rye.”

  “No child could ever replace another.” She says looking older than her age, not for the first time.

  Sometimes I forget Katniss is truly and old soul trapped in a young, hot body.

  “Peeta, this baby complicates many things. I’m going back to Panem because my mom wants me there until I know what I want to do about my future.” She pauses. “I’m terrified.” She confesses. “Not of the baby! I want this child so much I feel like I’ve been living a lie forever. Which is scary in a different way.” She explains.

  She takes a bite of bun and I just stare quietly. Not moving a muscle.

  “People will gossip,” I point out stupidly.

  She shrugs, “Prim’s not talking to me at the moment. She called me a hussy. What do I care if other people talk about me?” Her lip quivers.

  I’m beyond pissed off at Primrose. I don’t understand how she could’ve said something like that to her big sister who has always sacrificed for her.

  “Don’t go back to Panem then. Stay in the city.”

  She shakes her head, staring at her half eaten cheese bun. “Mama says Prim’s just in shock. She’s grieving Rye, and she’ll come around when the baby is here.” Katniss shivers.

  “But Prim was so nasty when I told them you were the father. She yelled that I went after you because I’m some kind of horrible gold digging cunt.” She breaks down. “I never thought my little sister could be so mean and angry…”

  I grab her in one swoop move and sit her back in my lap, where she belongs.

  I kiss the shell of her ear, her neck, her jaw.

  Her hands grasp my shoulders, and her mouth opens up when I kiss her lips. I feel our lives aligning again.

  “Everything is gonna be fine, sweetheart,” I tell her raining kisses on the side of her face. “We have each other.”

  She relaxes against me, letting me hold her close. She moans softly into my mouth. I bring us down from the steep road we’re taking. It’s incredible to me how fast we go from zero to banging just with a couple of kisses.

  “I’ve wanted you for so long. Sometimes I’m convinced I’ve wanted you even before Rye was taken from us. If anyone is a hussy, that’s me, not you. You’re so… pure! An angel. The only bright spot in my sad, dreary life.” I hesitate for just a moment, but I take her hands in mine, and look her straight in the eyes. “I love you, Katniss.” I say seriously.

  She blushes, but her smile is more radiant than the sun. She tries to hide it thought.

  “I know,” she mumbles, the ghost of her smile hovering. “You blurted it out a few times last night.”

  “And, you?” I ask nervously, “You love me. Real or not real?”

  “Real,” she smiles softly.

  “Marry me?” She makes an unconvinced face, so I rush, “We will go at your pace. We will do as you say. I’ll support your decisions, always.” I kiss her lips again and rest our foreheads together. “I don’t want you to go back to Panem. Will you consider moving in with me? Or at the very least renewing your lease?”

  “I told my mother I wouldn’t go back to you until we got some things worked out.”

  “You… told your mom about getting back with me? Like she knew you’d want to come back?”

  “I told mama everything. And I mean, everything! She knew you’d try to lure me back in eventually. She asked me if I’d consider it, knowing how badly things went? I said I might. I loved you enough to think about it. So… we’ll see.”

  “So. You’re saying there’s a very good chance?” I know I’m pushing it, but I need to make sure.

  She huffs. “If we do this, Peeta, I have a list of demands:” she announces business like, “I want you to seek anger and grief counseling, because I’m not a fucking statistic! I will not live with you in fear that something would trigger a hijacking episode and you’ll yell at me and destroy shit in a fit of anger. I get that you grew up watching your mother doing that exact same thing, I just want it to be clear, I won’t tolerate that behavior. You never did it to Rye, which means you can control it. So, control. It.”

  I grimace. “Katniss, I already felt like shit about the whole thing. How do you think I feel now, knowing I threw a lamp near you, and you were already pregnant?” We just stare at each other for a moment, “You want me to get help? I will! Today!”

  “Good… I’ll consider your many proposals, then”