#...and i don't think it's responsible to boil therapy down to just that

[uncanny-tranny]

I just heard this ad that says therapy is just "learning how to love yourself," and quite honestly, I disagree with that sentiment. I think it puts uneeded pressure on people to "love themselves."

I don't think you need to love yourself to benefit from therapy, and therapy shouldn't just be "learning to love yourself." It certainly is beneficial for some people to learn skills that we call self-love, like setting boundaries, hygiene that works for you, eating full and balanced meals that you enjoy, for instance, but that doesn't need to include this air of being in love with yourself.

I think therapy is about learning how to live with yourself. You don't have to love your flatmates (for example), but you often respect them as people. So, you'll clean up after yourself, and you'll communicate with them, and you'll even make small talk with them. That's kind of how I see therapy. You don't have to love yourself, but you often need to learn how to respect yourself, and I think those are slightly different things.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

First, let me apologise for making people worry. I appreciate all those who reached out and I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to you all.

I have been through a very rough spiral. It was building for months, and I am still not fully okay.

For those who want context, it's under the cut.

I bought a house in May. It's expensive. I wasn't ready financially or in many ways for that step, but my partner convinced me. I told him as much but I was not heard. Alas, I have a mortgage, full time work, astudent loan, and an ongoing school program to contend with. It hasn't been easy and it caught up to me.

At the same time, a person who traumatised me and I have no way of fully extricating from my life, has moved closer. To keep the peace, I have to associate with him to a degree and he pretends that nothing ever happened. To him, it was nothing.

In June, I moved. It was hard and fast paced. I did most of the paperwork etc for the whole process and obv helped with the physical transition as well. I was responsible for deadlines and checklists for not just myself but my partner.

I was plugging holes in a sinking boat.

At the same time, I had obligations to my family. Every weekend if I wasn't dealing with the house and all that goes into it, I was running around to babysit or see family or whathave you.

In July, I pinched a nerve behind my tailbone. I missed a week of work bc my injury but it took longer for my to recover. I am still feeling it today. It was more than physical, but emotional.

I also got three periods that month. Hormonal can't begin to explain how fucked up I've been.

On top of all that, there are underlying issues associated with other trauma and discontent. I'm realising that I have been loyal and tolerant to the point of my own detriment.

I don't want to hurt people how I've been hurt, so I don't speak up. When people tell me something about myself, I let all the doubts planted in my mind from years of abuse convince me that they're right. I can admit my faults but often times I will think that proof of one flaw means everything about me is rotten.

People forget about me or just don't care. Both or either. They don't put the same effort in that I do. I find it hard to connect because years of disregard and neglect have told me that the other side just won't care.

But I'm not just hurt, I'm angry. I'm seeking therapy and trying to figure this out.

It all boiled over after my last post. Nothing I do is enough. For anyone. Not even when it's a hobby. I was frustrated bc the place I use for escape just made me feel like less than.

Obviously, I don't mean everyone or even the majority. I appreciate the discourse and fun and everything here! There are so many awesome people to interact with and I have missed you all, however, my headspace was bad. Very bad. I had thoughts I haven't dealt with in years.

I put my nose down and just went to work. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I didn't wanna be in the world.

I did some reading, eventually some non-fandom writing, and sometimes, I just stayed alive.

I don't know if I'm really okay but I'm trying.

To those who have been so patient and supportive, you deserve everything. To those who are silent supporters, you do too. And even to those people who send me the most vile hate, you deserve to lift yourself out of the dark space you're stuck in. Hopefully, I can, too.

[satureja13]

The Boys prepared as good as they possibly could for their attack on Ji Ho's grandfather to return that spell back to him. They will only see if their plan works out when they return to the mundane world. They just have one try. And no plan B.

So they quickly took a souvenir photo, packed the TukTuk and left Verdantis beyond the Veil.

Meanwhile at the Headquarter of the Council at Tartosa. The Council is prepared. Ji Ho's Grandfather influenced Ji Ho in the Therapy Game so the Boys now know about the spell. And he unleashed Ji Ho's feelings, it's just a matter of time they'd try to attack. About time the little mice get caught in their trap.

Principal Prescott (who was the Boys' Principal at Belgraves Institute) tensed as the monitor lit up to announce the Boys' highly anticipated arrival in the mundane world: "Here they are! *her eyes widened in surprise and then she laughed* I don't know if they are dumb, oblivious or overly confident in their measly powers!" The TukTuk brought the Boys to the Villa Elba at Tartosa - right within the range of vision of the Headquarter!

Principal Prescott: "Quick now! Sebastian, Morgan - give note to the scientists and King Triton. We are starting now, before they have time to settle in and start with whatever useless nonsese they've planned!" Morgan (who has a crush on Vlad since the very beginning) and Sebastian (who is Kiyoshi's 'friend' and overseer): "Yes, Principal Prescott!" And there is also Mr Ito, Kiyoshi's father! (who lit up the pyre at Kiyoshi's execution...)

Back at Villa Elba. Saiwa looked over to the Headquarter. No time to waste! Saiwa: "Ok, let's begin. We have the advantage they can't turn on the Anti Magic Devices (which had been invented by Kiyoshi's father...) since Ji Ho's Grandfather has to use his Siren's Spells. And whoever creature else they blackmailed to help them... Let's hope the Bond does not let us down." The Bond between Vlad and Ji Ho had been silent since they went beyond the Veil.

Ji Ho felt awful. Teleporting makes him travel sick. He isn't sure he can resist his grandfather's powers in this state. Jeb hugged him: "We've got you." The statue next to them looks exactly as the statue of Vlad in the Therapy Game...

And then they started. Vlad and Sai are shielding Jeb and Kiyoshi's minds from being influenced by Ji Ho's Grandfather's Siren's Songs while they protect Ji Ho and try to loosen that spell inside of him so Ji Ho can send it back to the initiator through the mirror.

But it's too late! Ji Ho's grandfather already began to sing ö.ö Council's scientists (one of them is Felix, who was co-responsible for Sai and Jack's torture in the Lab!) started the devices.

As last year at Sulani, Ji Ho stands no chance against his Grandfather. And his grandfather tells him to kill Vlad. And all the rage, the jealousy and anger of the last weeks hit Ji Ho. And Ji Ho's mind went to goo. Despite Kiyoshi and Jeb's shields. He could only think of white-red hate boiling up inside him. Yes, Vlad deserves to die for what he did to him.

'King Triton', as the Council calls him, obviously also managed to take Kiyoshi and Jeb out of the game. No matter how hard Saiwa and Vlad tried to shield them. He's just too strong. Sai was the only one able to think clear, but he couldn't move! And Vlad was walking blindly towards Ji Ho - and certain death! Ji Ho is the only one able to kill Vlad - and Vlad smiled!

Sai screamed and screamed but he couldn't stop Vlad. And then Vlad kissed Ji Ho. Because he knows it all ends here. No matter who wins this fight. And it doesn't matter either if he dies or lives. Life is not worth living without Ji Ho's love.

The Bond awakened, thrilled to feel their arousal after all these months! And it helped Ji Ho to come back to conciousness. He draged out that spell and pushed it through the mirror!

The chamber at the Headquarter lit up and Principal Prescott smiled, pleased with their victory. Now she will finally get the recognition from the Council she deserves! But King Triton and Mr Ito knew at an instant that something went terribly wrong. Or right? They blinked.

King Triton grabbed Mr Ito: "I'll make you the Queen of my Kingdom!" Mr Ito, breathless: "As you wish, my King."

And then they kissed hungrily. The spell King Triton cast on his grandson returned right back to him and gave him a taste of his own medicine, as it seems! Principal Prescott was shocked. Again she failed! Luckily she didn't insist to capture this attempt to defeat those damn kids on camera again, let alone try a live broadcast! No one will ever learn about this! She has to make very sure the Scientists who witnessed this keep their mouths shut... And she doubts they are ever going to see King Triton and his 'Queen' Naoki ever again... and that is all the better.

'Follow me now to a place You only dreamt of before I came along

When I first saw you, I was deep in clear blue water The sun was shining, calling me to come and see you I touched your soft skin and you jumped in with your eyes closed And a smile upon your face Você vem, você vai, você vem e cai E vem aqui pra cá porque eu quero te beijar na sua boca Que coisa louca Vem aqui pra cá porque eu quero te beijar na sua boca Ai que boca gostosa

After the rain comes sun After the sun comes rain again

Underwater Love - Smoke City

It's a relief the Boys didn't witness any of this ö.Ö' And there still seems to be something between Vlad and Ji Ho! Even without the spell! Aouwww

Sai is so happy! He just hopes they get Jeb and Koyhshi out of that daze soon. And poor Vlad looks as if he's near to tears.

And then the door to the kitchen opened and Jack came out - with a pizza?! Jack: "Are you done? Pizza is ready!" Sai: "Omg Jack!"

Jack: "What? I never doubted you. And I'm useless in magic stuff anyway. So I did what I can do best - and that's pizza!"

Saiwa sighed and they dragged helpless Jeb and Kiyoshi outside for lunch. Saiwa: "I can't believe we made it!" Jack: "Yeah, yeah - let's eat already!" And they dug in.

The sun came out just after they returned that spell back to Ji Ho's grandfather and he seduced Kiyoshi's father. And a beautiful rainbow spanned the sky above the Council's Headquarter 🌈

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Who killed Jack?' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 23-28

[star-writes-sometimes]

insomnia, tea and clockwork oranges

tangerine x reader

word count: 1.3k

cw: swearing, reader uses some british slang, bad clockwork orange references, mentions of sexual stuff, mentions of drugs, tangerine being a therapy friend, is it ooc? maybe but i don't care

a/n: i kind of hate this but i'm only halfway through the other tangerine fic im writing

---—---

you were exhausted.

the mission was exhausting but you had finally completed it. working with the twins always went well but they were tiring after a while.

you couldn't sleep though. days of running on adrenaline and wishing you were home in your bed and now that you could finally crash in the house you all rented for the night and you were wide awake.

you gave up on your miserable attempt on counting sheep and decided to exit your small room for the night and go make yourself some tea.

you walked into the kitchen and found the kettle, mugs, teabags and sugar and started boiling the water.

"can't sleep either?"

"jesus fucking christ." you held your hand over your heart as you turned around and faced the living room adjacent to the kitchen. tangerine was still awake, sitting on the couch holding a book. "you scared the shit out of me."

he smirked as he looked you up and down, "sorry love, i didn't think anyone would still be awake." 

"neither did i," you moved to start preparing your cup now that your heart rate had calmed down, "you want a cuppa?"

"sure."

"sugar? milk?" you moved to grab another mug.

"nah."

you scrunched up your nose in surprise, "really? that's fuckin' gross."

"whaddya mean gross? it's classic."

"disgusting."

"the best way to have tea."

"without milk and sugar, it isn't tea, it's leaf soup."

"leaf soup? the fuck you talkin' 'bout darlin'" 

the kettle flicking off interrupted the response on the edge of your tongue and instead you moved over to pour the hot water. you silently finished making the cups of tea, ignoring the feeling of tangerine's gaze on you.

once done you moved over to the living room and placed both mugs on the coffee table before flopping down next to tangerine on the couch. you adjusted so you were sat crossed legged, close enough to tangerine for your knees to knock against each other.

you reached over and grabbed your drink, blowing on it slightly and taking a sip, "why are you still awake."

he shrugged slightly and reached for his own mug, "post kill adrenaline i guess. what about you?"

"i had to sell the sheep i usually count to feed my pet orphans." you joked as your eyes wandered to the book he placed on the table, "you were reading."

"yeah what's wrong with that?" he bit back quickly and defensively.

"fucking hell, chill out dude," you giggled slightly at his defensiveness, "i guess i just never pictured you reading. i mean i know you're well read and all but reading is a relaxing activity and i've never seen you relaxed." 

"oh." his eyebrows knitted in confusion at your small rant.

"so what book are you reading?"

"a clockwork orange."

you can't help but snort, "never mind that explains it."

as quick as it left his defensiveness returned, "explains what?"

"you don't relax while reading a clockwork orange. it's a good book and all but it ain't relaxing."

"you've read a clockwork orange?"

"of course. brainwashing, rape, murder, violence, reminds me of our lives except more dramatic. and i don't get my drugs from milk. and classical music doesn't make me cum."

he laughed at that, "you get off other places do you love?"

"oh yeah screamo music or the teletubbies theme are the only songs i use to get off." you responded with mock seriousness.

he smiled again, "personally i prefer black metal." he matched your tone, and you returned his grin, "if you don't read this shit what do you read?"

"porn." you smirk at him.

his smiles drops slightly, "you do that a lot y'know."

"what? read porn? darn i thought i hid it so well."

"no," he rolled his eyes, "the joking. you always do it to avoid things that make you uncomfortable."

it was your turn to get defensive, "i'm sorry?"

"lemon pointed it out a few days ago, i hadn't really noticed before he said it actually but it's true."

"i do not."

"why can't you sleep."

you had to swallow the sarcastic comment that instinctively wanted to claw its way out, "i dunno, left over adrenaline or whatever shit you said."

"you're lying." he said simply and moved to place his half empty mug back on the table next to the worn copy of clockwork orange.

"so? why do you care?" you copied his actions placing your own almost empty drink back down.

he moved his hand so it was on your knee and started tracing small, comforting circles. he used his other hand to grab your jaw, forcing eye contact, "i don't know much 'bout personalities and all that shit that's lemons stuff."

"yes i realised that when i encountered your own unlikeable personality."

his eyes narrowed slightly but he otherwise ignored your snark, "but you seem to be avoiding vulnerability, love."

you pulled away from him. moving your knee away and pulling your face away from his large hand, "no 'm not."

tangerine didn't respond. he simply kept looking at you, like he could see your resolve crumbling, "you don't have to tell me but i don't enjoy being lied to."

you couldn't believe you were considering talking to him about feelings. sure, you were close, you'd been on countless missions together and trusted him completely but this? 

he didn't say anything further but he did replace his hand on your knee continuing rubbing his thumb.

fuck you hated him at the moment.

"i don't feel safe."

he didn't say anything, didn't even falter his movements, just looked at you and waited for you to continue.

"i get nightmares and paranoid after all the fuckin' shit you see in this job." you look down, not liking his eye contact, "i don't feel safe tryin' to sleep."

much to your relief he spoke again, "do you trust me?"

your eyes knitted together in confusion, "yeah tan 'f course."

"lay down."

"what?"

he shuffled closer to the armrest, "you can't sleep. neither can i. so just lay down and relax and we'll stay up together." he pat his lap and looked at you expectantly.

"yeah, okay whatever." you breathed out and shuffled around until you were laying comfortably with your head in his lap and your legs curled up on the couch.

he started running his hand through your hair, smoothing it away from your face, "what’s it going to be then, eh?"

you can't help but smile up at him, "an unlimited supply of milk laced with ecstasy and classical music so good it makes me horny and violent?"

"don't think we'd be able to do all that tonight love."

"oh well i can settle for two weeks straight of horribly gory murder movies."

"yes but you'd have to be violently ill while doing so."

"i think if i got conditioned to hate violence i'd be out of a job."

"well, we can't have that."

"yeah. you'd miss me too much." you couldn't fight the yawn that crept up on you.

tangerine's other hand came down to rest on your cheek, his big hand almost covering your face, "tired, darlin'?"

you froze looking up and glaring, "how'd you do that are you a witch?"

"it's a secret, don't fight it just tell me more about your life as a droog."

"i don't think i'd be a droog."

"no?"

"nah i'd be one of the coppers they seem to have more fun."

"if you were a copper your job would be catching me."

"you wouldn't stand a chance."

"i think i’d be able to evade you for a while."

"nope." you unconsciously wiggled closer into him and yawned again, "what we should do is team up."

"oh yeah?"

"yeah, you snitch on your enemies and i arrest them. win, win scenario."

"how do i know you won't turn against me?"

"i like you too much." your eyes slowly closed, and you finally started sleeping.

tangerine smiled down at you, "yeah, i like you a lot too."

---—---

[tidesreach]

i think the issue with cql/mdzs fandom (specifically jiang cheng antis) is that it seems to have a very rigid view on a) what being a good person looks like and b) what trauma looks like, or significantly, what it should look like, and c) the meeting point of the two: what being a good person with trauma should look like. e.g. the way wei wuxian is held up as this sort of shining example of how to be traumatised the right way. so much of this fandom consistently frames wei wuxian as Good Traumatised rather than what he actually is, which is quite simply a person with various trauma responses and trauma-learnt behaviours that he did not choose and that have no actual bearing on his goodness. whereas jiang cheng is condemned as Bad Traumatised when actually he is just a person with different trauma responses and trauma-learnt behaviours that he also did not choose and that also have no actual bearing on his goodness. people categorising the way wei wuxian responds to his trauma as Good and the way jiang cheng responds to it as Bad (or even Evil) is a mindset that is deeply rooted in stigma whether you realise it or not.

like, i don't interact with jc antis if i can help it. which, yeah, is because i have no interest in reading endless hate posts. but i also steer clear predominantly because as someone with a heavily stigmatised mental illness a lot of the discussion around jiang cheng and the notion that trauma making you angry and hateful = Bad reads as "i support people with mental illness but only the people with symptoms that i personally find palatable" which is very reminiscent of frankly dehumanising real life debates around whether people who display certain symptoms (people like me) are worthy of help (or whether they even can be helped or whether they are just inherently terrible people etc.). and that is a horrible and damaging thing to read about yourself.

essentially, it all boils down to the wholly problematic idea that there are right and wrong ways to be traumatised—as if (in the absense of therapy and/or medication) you have any choice or control over your own symptoms/trauma responses—and that anything that doesn't fit into the "trauma made me kinder" mold is the wrong way to be traumatised. which is exactly what stigma is and why a lot of people have to fight so hard to get a modicum of help. so much of the language used around jiang cheng's trauma and his emotional responses to that trauma is rooted in real life stigmatising rhetoric that denies people the help they need and deserve because they're not the right type of mentally ill. this mindset that wei wuxian did trauma right and jiang cheng did trauma wrong is based on a made up concept designed to demonise certain mental illnesses.

it's like, there are so many takes which go something like, "well, wei wuxian has trauma too and he didn't do x, y, z." and sure, you're right, he didn't do x, y, z, but he did do a, b, c, if you see what i'm getting at. and arguing that a, b, c, are better responses than x, y, z shows a lack of understanding of the complexity of trauma and the way it can be informed by self-perception or perception other people have of you, i.e. it can become a bit (or a lot) of a self-fulfilling prophecy. because if anything the idea that trauma made wwx kinder oversimplifies the damaging effects it actually had on him. because it also made him reckless and (re)vengeful. it also gave him a messy saviour complex that repeatedly leads to ruin (like, man, when jiang cheng says to wei wuxian in anger, "wei wuxian, do you have a saviour complex?" he reads him very well. he knows him very well. in the same way wei wuxian knows that jiang cheng holds on to too much anger). wei wuxian's trauma is just as messy as jiang cheng's but it manifests in very different ways. different ways, not the right ways. wei wuxian's trauma responses hurt people too and you can acknowledge that. it doesn't make him Bad.

what seems to cause real issue though, is the differences in the way they respond to trauma. what causes real issue is that those differences are indisputably to do with certain symptoms jiang cheng displays being the more stigmatised ones. it's his anger and hatred and volatility. it's his very extreme fear of abandonment and equally extreme efforts to avoid it by furiously protecting what he has left because he cannot bear to lose anything or anyone else. it's his dichotomous thinking that can make him irrational. but those are not evil or wrong trauma responses. they're just trauma responses and they are actually fairly common trauma responses at that. certainly more common than "trauma made me kinder". i don't know who needs to hear this but a person's involuntary emotional responses to trauma are not an indication of whether they are a good person or not. you can struggle with anger and hatred and symptoms considered "less palatable" and still be a good person. trauma does not give "bad" symptoms to bad people and "good" symptoms to good people because there is no such thing as a morally good or a morally bad symptom.

people need to stop letting stigma inform their (mis)understandings of mental health and trauma and try to remember that there are real life people who suffer from the symptoms they are stigmatising and who face barriers every single day because of that stigma.

[olderthannetfic]

"B sounds cold and creepy to a lot of people instead of… you know… being a sign of having boundaries and not taking on other people’s emotions to a disabling degree."

( Re this post https://olderthannetfic.tumblr.com/post/715060100649369600 )

Stop me if I'm reaching, but I've seen two unrelated contexts recently that ring of "taking on other people's emotions to a disabling degree"

"If an artist posts art and requests you do not tag it with [specific things they hate, be it kin or OC or a NOTP], you're being disrespectful and bad even if you're just tagging it because you like the thing and are using the tag feature for its benefits

"If a fic writer deletes fic, maybe they deleted it for personal reasons and you're being entitled and disrespectful if you go looking for it, such as on deleted fic archives, or even share deleted fic-finding services with no specific fic or author in mind"

I've been involved in both kinds of arguments and in both cases "It's not my job to care or think about a stranger's feelings to the extent that a close friend would, and neither tagging posts for your own convenience nor accessing deleted resources is seen as generally discourteous" was a significant part of my reasoning.

But anyway, I feel like there's a strong overlap here. Especially since artists from 1. tend to also be laundry list of DNIs anti types.

--

Those can seem entitled or not depending on how much they're being shoved in the requester's face, I think.

The cases I was thinking of with that particular post were something slightly different:

Often, people will make the argument that many children don't have a responsible authority figure in their lives, so saying "X is the parents' job!" is cruel. Or they'll say that lots of people have mental illness that makes it hard not to look at content that upsets them, so saying it's their own job to monitor their own internet use and mental health is, again, cruel. It all boils down to:

My Mental Health is Your Job

I do think that expecting internet randos to tag how you want them to tag is an exercise in futility, but it's only sometimes about thinking others owe you the therapy or love the rest of your life hasn't provided. Sometimes, it boils down to "I will be mad if..." and not "My well-being is literally your responsibility".

Sometimes, it's just a request made in the body of an art post where you know rebloggers saw it. It can be a little entitled since people use tags to organize their own blogs, sure, but not necessarily super entitled in the same way as assuming that people will click through to your tumblr and read your whole header/DNI/Carrd before interacting with something on their dash.

"It's disrespectful to me that any deleted fic sharing exists" is pretty entitled. "Can you stop posting requests for a public DL link to this thing I deleted?" is a lot more reasonable. Neither is the same as "It causes me psychological harm that people still like my deleted fic that I now hate, and my mental health is your problem, internet rando."

[mistle10]

Baizhu x Fem!Reader with sexual discomfort

This goes out to my friends with these issues ♡

Rating: very light nsfw, fluff, headcanons with story format

Pairing: Baizhu x fem!reader with female parts

CWs: mentions of medical scenarios and terms, sexual discomfort, reproductive health issues, sexual tightness NSFW will be under the read more marker!

Baizhu is without a doubt familiar with the struggle of chronic health problems. He's always been open about discussing them, however, the problem you've been facing is a bit... personal, and you can't help but be self conscious.

Whenever the two of you become more intimate, you always find excuses to stop. Your stomach hurts, you left something boiling, you think you hear a rare bird outside...

Needless to say, your excuses becoming so outlandish makes him a bit curious.

"If you are not comfortable doing such things, I wish you would come forth and let me know," he tells you, voice full of sympathy. You laugh and say you're just not ready, then quietly excuse yourself.

One day, when trying to tend to yourself, you realize you can't take it anymore. Every time you've tried to put even a finger inside, the pain is so bad that you have to stop and lie down. Plus, whenever your period comes around, the cramps are so bad that you're basically paralyzed. And so, you have to go to the pharmacy.

ANYONE but him. If anyone but Baizhu could be working today, it would be great, but unfortunately, by the time you see him at the counter, the bell has already rung, and he turns around to face you.

"Ah, (y/n), what brings you in today?" He asks, offering a gentle smile. "Another headache?"

"Is there another um, doctor in today that I can talk to? A female doctor?" You ask, and can't help but be a bit embarrassed. You know you're probably the luckiest girl ever, having a boyfriend who is a doctor, but you want to take away from his stress, not add to it.

He's not naive. He understands it's a reproductive problem. But unfortunately, he's the only person in, and as much as you COULD wait, you think it's probably more important to see someone.

Before you know it, you're back in his office.

After a short explanation, stumbling over your words, he thinks for a minute. "How long has this been going on?"

You don't really know, truthfully, which you're honest about.

He gets up from his seat, grabbing a book from the shelf, and you can't help but be nervous about what his response will be.

"Now unfortunately, I believe that there isn't quite a treatment in terms of specialized medicine, since it seems like your problem is with the muscles. However, physical therapy like pelvic floor exercises and pain-relieving medications can be of great help. It's not an uncommon issue, you don't need to feel self-conscious about it," he goes on about it, and part of you is relieved that he's so insistent upon separating work and home. Here, he's just your doctor.

He sends you off on your way with a few pages of information, as well as a topical pain medication, but of course, the two of you meet later that night, after he gets off of work.

He sighs as he sits at his desk, looking over the same book from earlier. "I hope you aren't embarrassed at all," he spoke, clearly talking about earlier. "I just wish you would have come to me sooner about it, whether that be as your boyfriend, or just your doctor." He explained.

He was actually starting to get worried about your lack of intimacy perhaps being his fault, since he was always working. But he makes it very clear that he is willing to work on it with you. Though you're still a little embarrassed, it helps a lot that he is so open and unjudgemental about this.

That night ends with a sweet kiss, and a cuddle before bed, and both of you are glad that you'll finally be able to start trying treatments.

Whenever you're having troubles with cramping during your cycle and you're both at home, he's eager to help and attentive, fetching you whatever you need like a hot water bottle or pain meds. He's even willing to help massage your lower abdomen.

NSFW under the cut!!

Of course, it's a slow and arduous process, trying to work on the pain during intimacy in particular. Your clit is fine, so that's really all you can stomach for a while, but it's penetration that really hurts.

He's a slow and very thorough lover, even if he normally seems like one cough would turn him to dust. He always makes sure you're comfortable above all else.

He likes to sit you between his legs, with your back against his chest, and wrap his arm around you to your front. He works his fingers over your clit and his lips over your neck until you're more than wet and relaxed enough, before laying you down so that you can begin.

His fingers are longer, and more slender than yours, so trying to get used to his inside is much less painful than your own. Of course, it helps that he knows what he's doing more than you do. He's been studying that book like crazy just to help you.

When you're having too much trouble relaxing, he'll lay between your legs and use his mouth, with lots of breaks for both of you of course.

Of course, there are really good days just as there are bad days.

eventually, you finally feel prepared to take him. Of course, there's the usual hour or two of foreplay and preparation; he's nothing if not thorough, but eventually, its in, and it's almost entirely painless.

I must reiterate; he is a very slow and sensual lover. He will make damn sure that you feel amazing, as by now he already knows all of your erogenous zones and sweet spots and pays them lots of attention.

After finally finishing together, you lay together to regain your energy, as sex is always quite strenuous of an activity for him. It makes your heart swell with how attentive he is.

[minthe-lover]

Chapter 212 analysis

So I have... very mixed feelings about this chapter, I'm so happy that we are actually seeing minthe but I don't really like the backstory that much. I'm going to try lighter and them move onto the heavier stuff later. So one thing that really annoyed me is the inconsistent black background, when I started the chapter I liked the black background as a way to show minthe thinking in plant form is different then reality.. but then you get these weird random white spots that the background fades to. That just don't have any reason to be there. That along with how for some reason the flashback with hades has an all white background for no reason?

Like the only reason I can think of is this panel.. but even then you can have the smoke fade to black.

Also like, this chapter really hit me with how much the art has changed for the worse. We get to see Persephone in one of her earliest outfits.

The original art basically draw the coat like fluffy pink clouds around Persephone, and while it doesn't look that super real it look fluffy and comfortable plus it gives a really striking and interesting look to it. The one shown in this chapter looks so flat and boring, yeah it looks fluffy but not as soft and warm as the original one does.

Next is the train station, which just confuses me a bit. I do like the idea that you gotta take a train between realms, but given that is just seems open to anyone I'm confused cause its been told that it's illegal to have "modern" objects in the mortal realm. Really it would take an extra panel or line to explain how this works... I'm just asking for the most basic world building to avoid confusion. Like have her explain how there is no guards, or have the outside look like a classic Greek temple.

Though I have to say the moment with minthe and the human did make me laugh and is a great scene and holy shit I love minthe so much.

Now to talk about the biggest point of the chapter, which is learning about minthes mother. It's a plot point that I've very conflicted on cause on one hand yes abuse is a cycle but also rs is trying to have complex characters but they are so often surrounded by characters that have no complexity to them. Minthe mother is just neglectful.. and that's all there is to here.

Like imagine if rs tried to write Minthes mother similar to how Beatrice is in bojack horseman. Have minthes mother be written to explore how women are often forced into motherhood and thus can not handle the stress of it. Or even write it to be about how women in poverty can struggle to find a support system when they need it.. and thus can't support their children in the way they need.

Though I gotta say, this following the chapter that is supposed to be showing Demeter as a horrible mother really show how great Demeter is. Demeters "abuse" at the worse is trying to protect her child and being worried about her being abused. from the little we see of Minthe's mother her neglect is far worse and I'm really not looking forward to how they may try and compare the two later in the story.

Now the Hades part of her flash back is.... annoys me because it because it seems more like trying to place the blame mainly on Minthe. It's Minthe fault that she didn't want a romantic relationship nor a relationship that continues to marriage. Plus Hades emotionally cheating on Minthe being boiled down to.. basically nothing annoys me.

It worsens as this chapter reiterates how minthe struggle with horrible self doubt and mental illness.. but literally there is never a suggestion that she need therapy or some sort of support... all that is said is that she need to "be better" and stop being friends with thetis. There is very little about her lacking any support system or struggling with poverty... It just fails through in the trying to make Minthe seem like a complex character when all the responses to how she can grow and change are out souly on her and are so simple.

This really suck cause minthe is such an interesting character, she's literally been in the comic since the first episode but I know she gonna get explored alot less then alot of the characters. Persephone vague self doubt about her beauty really lack anything interest but is explored far more then Minthe's self doubt.

Also about Persephone in this chapter... she is just an rude to minthe. Like Minthe is right, what Persephone did was terrible and instead of listening to Minthe and how she's upset she just ignores that and tries to play it off like minthe problems are less important then Persephones problems.

Minthe is rightfully angry, and Persephone after turning her back from a plant basically just telling her to fuck off and leave her alone. It's a shitty thing to do.. and having it be a moment where it's supposed to be Persephone standing up for herself and not just her being rude sucks. Especially after we just had a huge flashback to make us sympathize with minthe more.

Also want to draw attention to this one line.

It's presented like some sort of angry thing without much weight.. but it's completely true. Persephone is the heiress to one of the biggest companies and the daughter of a powerful goddess. She smart, beautiful, and grew up with every single need met. Persephone was completely born into privilege, like she got a payed internship and she wasn't qualified for because of her personal connections.

Whenever character try to point that Persephone privilege it's treated like a huge overreaction and not a big deal.. but it is.

Now I don't mind that child, I think it could be dealt with well and there isn't much to say... tho I will admit I'm a bit worried how it may turn out.

Now my last point is more on the fandom side.. which is something Is that really annoys me. It happens whenever there is more background on Minthe, there is these large groups of fans that go on about how they sympathize with Minthe now.. but the moment she does like the even slightly thing against the main character they immediately change their tone.

There is so many people saying that now they sympathize with minthe.. but where was that sympathy when she was struggling with poverty.. or mental illness.. or literally any other problem. What's with this fandom and thinking mother being bad is the worst thing possible??

[chainofclovers]

hii 26 and 30 for the ask!

Hiiii Aly! Thank you!

26. What would you describe as OOC?

It's a bit hard to put my finger on it. I guess it boils down to the "He would not fucking say that" thing?

But as I think about it, in terms of fanfic, something reads as OOC most often when I just get this strong and very distracting sense that the author is more interested in serving their own motivations or wish-fulfillment fantasies than the characters themselves. Which is a legit thing to do when writing fic, even if I have reader preferences! I have 100% put characters into situations specifically because I just really wanted to spend time with those characters in that situation, and I'm sure there have been people who read it and think it's OOC even if I try to stay true to character. (Like I've definitely had people say they don't typically think of a certain character as having a specific sexual identity that I might ascribe to them. And I might ascribe it to them both because I personally see it as true to character but also might just wanna explore it for my own queer reasons. To each their own!)

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn’t.

LOLLL I got really far into a Grace and Frankie + Devil Wears Prada crossover back in the day. I think Grace and Frankie were going to be interviewed for Runway magazine? And it was dealing with the stuff I always deal with around, like, responsibility to community and public life vs. private life and questions of coming out and what that actually means. I stopped because it was not good and it was never gonna be good.

For TL, it's "wanker!", this T/R fic I was gonna write (and started writing) about therapy and masturbation and parallel experiences and because of the way my post-canon brain works, at this point it probably won't happen. At least not without entirely reworking every single detail. Which might happen, but there's other stuff I wanna write more.

(I've got other fics in my Abandoned folder that were just tiny shards of writing and don't count. "wanker!" is still in my Snoozed folder, which means there is hope. There are many fics in my Snoozed folder.)

[opinated-user]

I do find that over time lily is in some aspects becoming more conservative. Like now she's saying that women who have a degradation kink or want to be traditionally sexy are broken and need therapy (coughChurchcough). That she doesn't like that kink anymore because she's being healed by therapy.

LO tries to boil things down into easy, black and white, good or bad thinking, even when it's not.

Could a kink be caused by trauma/ poor self esteem? Yes. Is it always? No. Everyone has to decide that for themselves.

It's the same with "sexy women". Yes it can be degrading and perpetuated by shitty men/ the patriarchy, but that doesn't mean every lady who wants to where booty shorts or show off their boobs is brainwashed by it. Or that it can't be empowering for some. It's not a one size fits all topic, especially when doing so removes a woman's agency to choose and instead suggests they're all to traumatized to make the choice themselves.

she was already spreading radgem rethoric concerning gender and weaponizing it even against other trans people, so i guess it was only a matter of time before she also joined SWERF (specifically anti-kink or "kink critical") rethoric. for a while now LO has been pushing the idea that she stopped being hypersexual in public a year ago (lie) and that came to a stop for no particular reason. i do believe this is entirely some new narrative to discredit EOT's videos on her and that's also a big factor into why she's saying that now about her kinks too. if you pay attention to the way she's even speaking about this, it's making it sound like LO's blaming everyone else but herself about her creepy behaviour. she had no responsability because she was suffering with so much trauma and confusion that everyone around her did nothing to help her with. only through going to therapy (her one hour monthly session because she couldn't afford anything else, remember) did she realize how much she has been failed by everyone and how harmful that behaviour was. she's a victim, actually. as always. she had no fault that she was openly inviting a fan to come have a quickie to her home during a stream. she had no fault for sharing porn on a stream open for all ages. she had no fault on her multiple inappropiate sexual jokes, flash herself three times, one with her wife, because she was a victim and you should feel sorry for her, not hold her accountable for the huge risk she put her underage followers go through. take all of this as what it is: damage control. she's desperate to convince her audience that she's not the creepy predator that she actually is and has been for a long while, but just a innocent woman who has suffered so much and only now is finally doing things right. don't fall for it.

[canonicallysoulmates]

Walker 3.08

Walker is back! And I'm gonna make this quick cause not a lot happens. There is a case, a missing rich dude who faked his death but the seemingly most important thing about that is that Captain James is on edge because of what Cassie and Walker did of opening the evidence case and the one who ends up getting the brunt of his anger is poor Trey! Captain screams at him because he and Cassie pursued a lead without contacting him even saying that maybe making Trey a ranger was a mistake. Captain James come over here I just wanna talk.

Anyways, the ep picks up where the last one left off with Abeline on the ground, they rush her to the hospital and it turns out she had a mild temporary stroke. Thankfully she's fine and makes a full recovery but she does need to make some changes less stress, a heart-healthy diet that kind of thing which are instructions that Bonham takes very seriously. It's actually quite sweet how he goes into protective mode and he wants to take care of her even doing research into things that could benefit her health, he does go a bit overboard with it though and Abeline has to talk some sense into him that she doesn't plan to live her life in fear.

He struggles with that a little bit because he doesn't want to think about her being gone but he does come around and realize that she's right, and he plans a really sweet, romantic dinner for them which is such a lovely scene. These two are definitely the highlight of this episode.

On the other side of the coin, something I didn't like was the resolution given to Stella and August fighting. At Abeline's request, Walker and the kids go to Dallas to try and get her brother because she wants to see him, and the whole time Stella and August are fighting and it all comes to an end as they're having breakfast. Walker tries to get them to talk and fix things but he does not know how to mediate and it starts to turn into one more fight so he's like "forget it, do what you want" and walks away. Stella and August start to go back and forth and what it all basically boils down to is Stella saying that the reason for August acting in such a way is because he misses their mom........*sigh*. And she's once again the bigger person telling him that she understands, that she's been through the same thing, and that while she's not their mom to let her be the person that he vents to and yells at..........Stella deserves better.

There are several things I don't like about this but I'll touch upon just two the first one is that they still have a father, Stella is taking on a level of responsibility that should not be hers, the person that should be telling August these things and taking on that responsibility of trying to fill in the gap that their mother left of being there when he needs someone to yell at and vent is Walker. The second is that August acknowledges that he and his mom were very close but he doesn't apologize to Stella, he doesn't acknowledge that he was in the wrong and that he hurt her these are things that better happen in the next couple of episodes or I'm going to be pissed. And actually, I will touch upon a third thing which is that I don't get how this kid is not in therapy or getting some counseling when he is clearly struggling with regulating his emotions and handling his anger. There's a whole storyline this season about how therapy has been beneficial to Liam yet not one single member of this family has considered that August would benefit from it as well.

I do like the conclusion with Abeline's brother because he misses her but he's not ready to see her yet but he does call her later that day. And I like it because it's real, last time they spoke they had a huge fight that made them go no contact for years. It's not easy to fix family relationships.

And then the episode ends on a shocker because Bonham tells Walker it's time to pack up and get his shit together. I'm paraphrasing. I get where Bonham is coming from but I cannot wrap my head around this- I think I'm too Latina for this because the thought of kicking your own son (and your grandchild!) out when he doesn't even live in the main house for no real reason cause yeah Walker's a mess who needs to get his shit together but that's not a reason! I would get it if he was a bad person, if he was being wildly irresponsible, bringing in drugs, didn't contribute anything but his biggest sin is not taking advice, not going to therapy, and that fatherhood has been kicking his ass lately. All Walker does is go to work, help out, and go to his little house to sleep. This is wild to me.

[demented-tours]

The project is simple: Dear World Rage Box. One photo, one text dump. Raw thoughts. Minimum editing. Fuck typos. Fuck perfection. No masking/curbing/appeasing. No apologies. I don't care how this sounds. Not sure why it needs to be public. Maybe it always won't. Maybe I delete these ten seconds after I post them. Maybe I print them out and make fucking wallpaper. Not creating yet another account for this, either. I've officially forgotten too many versions of myself to add another.

///

Dear World 1,

A half hour before my therapy appointment yesterday I learned my mother's stage 3 endometrial cancer might be back. My first response wasn't about her. It was about me.

How the fuck am I going to carry the weight of my mother's illness again? It almost did me in the first time. I was just starting to find energy/strength/reserves to feel ready for what's next.

Those doors didn't slam. But they creaked toward closed like a bad horror video game.

I don't know how to do all of it at once: deal with her co-dependency, her shut down, her undiagnosed everything and my long list of illnesses that I regularly use as a shield from her (from a lot of things) because it was the only boundary I had for decades. Because I didn't know what boundaries were. Felt like. Could do. Should do.

Some people are born to fight. I think I was born to defend. It's how I've never lost a game of chess. I just run the board until there's nothing left. Even if you might win, it'll take so long and be so painful you'll wish you'd just put down your king on move 2.

During the appointment, I told my therapist about the day I had last week which was--and I called it this--one of the top 3 worst days of this year. At least, so far. It can definitely always get worse.

I tell her I'm worried I'm depressed. I'm worried I've been depressed for a while. I tell her about Mom and about the day last week. I tell her these stories with my usual sprinkling of humor. Because I have to let her know Oh, yeah, even though it's awful I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

I'm not fucking okay.

She wants to circle back to the depression. Her use of language made me think of work which made me hate from my core being again. She asked me questions. I knew I wasn't going to answer the right way. She both could and could not tell me what I was experiencing was depression. I don't wish for depression. I wish not to have to justify whatever the fuck I'm feeling.

It's bad enough to have to justify my autism to my own mother. It's bad enough that every other week or so, I discover some other way my life was fucked up, and I see how I've defended it or transmuted it or run from it or hidden it because if I make other people feel more comfortable, then I win, right?

I feel myself on the brink of full melt down. I know now that these aren't panic attacks. They aren't me just being difficult. They aren't me being suicidal, despite the fact that they literally make me feel like what is boiling inside me is actually going to kill me.

My ambiguity over allowing that to happen still baffles me.

I got mad. My anger is my sharpest weapon. It was honed on the active battle field of my childhood. People who know me know this. People who know me who have experienced my anger first hand either know how to duck or left a cloud of dust as they ran. If you know me and don't know my rage, then you just don't know me.

that's okay. I wouldn't want to know me, either.

(Fuck. Editing. Stop that. Type, goddamn you.)

I got mad. My therapist got uneasy. Suddenly what she thinks and believes and hopes to do no longer applies. She tells me that the reason I may be so exhausted is I'm fighting the very feelings I tell her I have no interest in feeling.

I come at her. "So what?"

I see when that hits. I feel how that lands. Even though a screen. I hate that I'm this attuned instrument for feelings for a 1000 square mile emotional radius. I don't want my own. I definitely don't want yours.

But so what if it's exhausting not to feel it. It feels like death if I do. I feel backed into a corner, asked to defend a depression she seems simultaneously concerned I might have and certain I don't. I didn't want to bring it up to debate it. I brought it up to work on it.

I forgot there's a script she has to run when that word gets dropped into the session. I forgot how tired neurotypical scripts make me.

Nah, it's not holding back the emotions making me tired. It's living in the world that cause them that's doing me in.

Or both.

She speaks. I speak. I find some measure of calm. Less because I want it and more because she clearly wants me to find it. She tells me maybe it's time to find another therapist for autism. She can come with me, she says, but she doesn't have the tools to help me.

Yeah. I know that. But I've spent six years growing this sparse-ass garden of trust between us, and now you're telling me nothing else is gonna grow.

I've already looked into it. I've already found faces that seem kind. I've already thought this. I've already starting reading. I've already been doing research on what the fuck I might actually be for years, now.

But it still felt like another person supposed to help me who basically said I was too much once they catch a glimpse of this iceberg under the surface they thought they knew.

Which is shitty. But expected.

Today I saw this TIkTok wherein the narrator explains to me that he cannot trust his perceptions of the world when he's tired. He expounds on to say don't trust your thoughts when you're stressed/tired/hungry/hurting. They're tainted. Observe and let go.

Also talks about taking all the negative thoughts and bundling them into a single problem. Because then you don't have ten problems; you have one. And likely you've faced it before.

His problem was running out of time.

That video helped me more than the entire session with therapist. Maybe helped me more than the last ten. I don't want to do the math on how much I've paid for a glorified distraction and master class on masking just enough to make my therapist comfortable, but my brain's already done it.

Runaway train.

I also stumbled into some art student video content with horror-like elements that felt like visiting my dark thoughts generator and hearing some of the shit it says.

The algorithm might be evil, but sometimes evil is still right.

We don't know if it's cancer.

Fuck liminal spaces.

Fuck this year. Fuck thinking it'll get better. And fuck the fact that at the end of yesterday's session, I settled on, "Fine, I guess it's not depression. I guess I'll just say I'm chronically sad."

Apparently, that's situationally appropriate.

I hate that I agree.

I hate that part of me doesn't.

I want to burn something down.

/D

Photo: Wrecked tub. The cold water handle disintegrated in my hand after I tried to run it to fix another problem that didn't actually exist. The plumbing was welded into the wrong lines. It was a "Goddamned nightmare." Keep buying parts and finding more are missing. Felt like me.

[missspringthyme]

March 10th, 2024

Although I didn't do much work today, I am continually reminding myself that existing in a state of rat hole is a necessary stage of my work flow. I need the punishment of greasy hair and a messy room in order to provide an adequate reward for the completion of these deadlines. Besides, I don't think I have the mental reserves to even clean at the moment.

Regardless, I had a really good call with T today. He got to hear some stories from my childhood that I'm genuinely shocked in the nearly 6 years we've known each other he has not heard. My favorite, and the one I had nearly forgotten, was that in Japan my family used to go to this farm experience(?). It's where I milked a cow for the first time, and I have a lot of really fond memories from that place. One of the things they had was pig racing, and I dominated it. You would wear these little vests to match your pig and then compete against other kids as you guided them forward to try and win. If you placed, you'd stand on a little podium and get a ribbon and a little pig plushie. We truly had so many. When I was explaining this to T he kept having to check that this was something I did in Japan and not the US, because it sounds like the most redneck thing in existence. I just couldn't stop laughing as I described this all. Anyway, the call was really helpful in adding some lightness to T. He even thanked me afterwards and said that it was really good for him. I did really enjoy the call, but if I'm going to be honest the reason why it was an enjoyable call is because I turned on the charm. This still doesn't solve the frustration for me that I am essentially responsible for daily morale, but today I was in a good mood so that's a problem for another day.

Also, my mom sent me a screenshot of a post from a Facebook page she's in for other former BRATS. It was a meme where the messaging boiled down to 'BRATS move a lot'. Along with the screenshot, she sent a text saying basically 'this is what my childhood was like'. I understand she's trying to connect with me, but moments like this kinda highlight for me a big disconnect between us. Either she believes that in the 22 years I have known her and heard her speak about her childhood and life as a BRAT I would not have picked up that she moved a ton, or that this constitutes a revelation in general. It's functionally the equivalent of my mom texting me to tell me that she's blonde. This was something that kept coming up in therapy where my mom truly believed that I didn't know things about her that to me are incredibly easy to pick up. I think a big part of it is she struggles with things like that, but has never considered that other people may not experience that (*cough*I'mprettysureshe'sautistic*cough*). I spent a lot of time today trying to figure out what response I could give that wouldn't hurt her feelings.

[biiedwin8]

Maladaptive Daydreaming: Is it Okay to use Shrooms to Improve Your Daydreaming Experiencing?

Today, I'll be answering the question of whether it's okay to use drugs to make your daydreaming more immersive. Like, you may use LSD, weed, psychedelics, shrooms, or any kind of drug to really make your daydreams more massive. Because I saw some saying that every time they started using drugs, their daydreams became so immersive and so enjoyable.

The immersive aspect here is that they are so enjoyable. I understand that with LSD, you can have this amazing, godly, Zen-like experience, and you may really think it's a very good idea. But don't get lost in these things, guys. Always focus on what happens afterwards, because a trip or an LSD experience is just an experience. But what normally happens afterwards? Do you normally feel like everything is okay now? Like, you don't have compulsive behaviors, you're okay, you're a loving human being, everything is okay with life? No, of course not. Some people even sink deeper into depression. This is because the more you seek a high, the higher the high goes, the lower the experience afterwards.

So, it doesn't matter if you are using drugs to immerse yourself in the daydream. The more you get immersed, once you snap out of it, you are going to a very, very low because you've set the peak, you've set the peak for your desire, for your ultimate desire. You are in this space where everything is okay, like you're in this amazing adventure, this amazing trip. So, you really go there without really working on your real life. There's a very huge disconnect between the thing you desire, the thing which is bringing you pleasure in real life. So, when you come back to life, it will be very, very painful to the point that you may sink deeper into depression.

Yes, pleasure is very, very okay, but don't chase pleasure at the expense of running away from yourself. It doesn't matter if you're using LSD or you've been told that LSD gives you this amazing experience. But if you're doing that just to look for another experience and you're escaping real life, you'll put yourself in a lot of trouble. So, instead of using drugs to make your dreams more immersive, pause the drugs and focus on how can you deal with your negative beliefs in life? How can you challenge these negative beliefs? How can you become contented with just being bored, with just sitting down doing nothing? That's the ultimate state. How can you become contented just being bored, doing nothing? Of course, by dealing with the things which are causing you this feeling of emptiness when you’re bored. It's not something you should do. Boredom is not something you should do. It's something that boils deep inside when you are bored or when you don't have something to do. So, you want to look for a better experience. So, instead of looking for a better experience, experience those aspects you are running away from in real life, which are those stuck emotions, those responsibilities, those mundane things. That's where growth is. So, growth is not in looking at using drugs to build a massive immersive experience, but in facing your real life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

[wtl-archive]

What happened between the creators of this AU? Was there drama and/or toxicity that broke down friendships?

Short answer:

Some Grade-A bullshit, and yes.

Long answer:

What happened was a million little things that escalated into not-so-little things, that escalated into very big things, that escalated into the complete destruction of my psyche and by extension this project. There's no single thing that tore it all apart, which is why it's so frustrating to talk about, even more so hearing other people get it all wrong.

I would be lying if I said if I wasn't partially responsible for what's happened, and I'm not going to lie to you. I've done more than enough of that.

I fucked up. I was an idiot. I did stupid and bad things I shouldn't have. If I had the power to go back in time, I would've done things differently.

I'm not exactly sure when things started to fall apart. It was like I was the frog in the pot being slowly boiled alive, not realizing how much danger I was in and how stupid I was being until it was too late.

Working on this AU, as much as I loved it and still love it, it drove me crazy. I mean, my mental health wasn't exactly the best going into it, but I've never felt so empty and angry like I did then, and yet it was the only thing keeping me going. I felt terrible when I wasn't working on it but when I was, I was stressed and frustrated. It was just this endless insanity spiral.

*sigh* I'm getting ahead of myself.

The people who worked on this AU are not bad people. I think it's important I preface with that. Some of them are far too gullible for their own good, but being stupid doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that nothing has taught you to be cautious yet. I don't have the highest opinions of some of them, but at the end of the day they're just that; opinions. There are no bad people, just hurt people that have far more reach and the potential to cause far more damage than they realize, just naïve people who have the misfortune of being an easy target and being naturally louder than everyone else, just broken people that need more than a few kind words to fix them, just misguided people that don't have enough experience points invested in their Wisdom stat to tell them when they're being played, just people that have good intentions and no idea how to use them, just people that are fundamentally incompatible.

For all of my frustrations, and as much as I'd like to, I can't bring myself to properly hate some of these people. Even when I've tried talking about this with folks who've got no context for any of it, I feel like I'm constantly trying to defend them despite how much the things they've done piss me off.

My only desire is that this story be told correctly. I hope you can understand how incredibly fucking obnoxious it is to see the people with the biggest microphones and the least amount of context spewing utter nonsense out of their mouths will full confidence despite having no goddamn idea what they're talking about.

Anyway... at the core of this, yes, it was broken friendships that forced the AU to be discontinued. I really don't want to use the term "toxic" though. I've noticed this trend of over-the-counter therapy buzzwords being tossed around in online spaces (Tumblr, Twitter and TikTok being by far the worst offenders) when they don't feel very applicable once you think about it for more than like 15 minutes. I've caught myself doing it more often too, now that this site and the people on it have sufficiently rotted my brain, but I'm trying to be better about it.

I keep getting sidetracked, but - while "Yeah, we stopped being friends so we stopped doing the AU too," isn't an incorrect assessment of the situation, I think it massively over simplifies what happened and understates how much it destroyed my sanity, which I might be okay with if it was just left at that and not turned into a slander campaign. Not to mention, it makes it really fucking easy for everyone else to completely ignore and lie about my side of the story, as if being the foreigner and the newbie didn't make that easy enough already.

Just about everything I could say "Yes" to has some sort of asterisk behind it. Context is king and summaries take away the context.

Yes, some of my so called friends tried to help me (not like I had much of choice in saying no despite my best efforts), except when I finally let my walls down a little and decided to trust someone, it blew up in my face! You know how much it sucks to tell someone "I really would rather not talk about this because the things I have to say are really fucked up, and you're not gonna wanna hear it despite how much you're begging for it," several fucking times, and when they insist over and over that they can handle it and it'll be okay Nugget, you can trust me, I won't tell anyone only for it to be painfully obvious that they can't handle it and you can't trust them once you finally cave in and start talking? You know how much it sucks to be poked at over and over and over again, and when you've had enough and finally snap people just think you're crazy? You know how much it sucks to be told to just talk it out over and over again despite it doing absolutely nothing and it all being a big waste of time? To be told that your words mean nothing and no matter how much you try all you ever do is fuck up and make things worse? Yeah, some help that was.

Yes, I posted DMs, only after I realized people were sharing mine, and only after I got banned from my own Discord server for shit that wasn't even true, and only after I found out that there was an entire sperate server made just to talk shit about me behind my back, and only after I got blacklisted on Tumblr by my mutuals because people were telling them a bunch of fucking lies, and only after my sister of all people got a message accusing me of plotting a murder, and only after my ex got recruited to participate in this pile of shit being thrown my way (God, what a terrible, disrespectful judgment of his character... he's my ex, not my nemesis, we're still friends and he loves and cares about me a lot, I cannot overstate how much that pissed me off), and only after I got accused of drawing sexual harassment of characters that weren't mine in a callout post filled to the brim with bullshit (totally untrue btw... still baffled as to where this claim came from), and only after every other possible avenue of defending myself and saying "Hey, actually that's bullshit and you know it," was taken away from me.

Yes, I have a venting side blog, WHICH THESE PEOPLE WERE BLOCKED FROM, and that has probably the worlds biggest disclaimer as a pinned post explaining the purpose of the blog, something that repeatedly gets swept under the rug every time it gets mentioned. I'm supposed to feel sorry because a bunch of people are nosey and like to jump to conclusions?? Give me a fucking break. I blocked about half a dozen people from my side blog a few months after I made it specifically because I knew exactly what kind of reaction it would garner if they new it existed. They can't handle me being a little upset on Discord, of course I knew that blog would make them lose their fucking minds! I mean this is the same group of people that struggle to say the word 'pregnant', my expectations weren't exactly the highest, that's why they were blocked! And as usual, my paranoia was completely correct! They found out about it and look what happened! Maybe if my fears weren't confirmed at every possible turn I wouldn't feel the need to be so reactive.

Yes, I keep chat logs, no, that is not what stalking means despite everyone's insistence on using that word. Information visible on your public internet profile is not stalking either. Neither is using Google Analytics, something available to literally every tumblr user for free on any of their blogs and something that is used by advertisers to be much nosier than I would ever need to be. I only started keeping chat logs because I had my suspicions that something funky was going on I wanted to keep receipts (and I'm a natural hoarder anyway... I don't like to delete stuff if I don't have to). I understand that it's a weird thing to do, but it's not fucking illegal to keep an offline copy of something you would have access to with an internet connection. This is a feature partially built into Discord, by the way (Though it's definitely easier and more inclusive with a third party application). In fact, most chat services will allow you to download a copy of your messages. If not the entire conversation, then at least the message you sent. Wild to me that people are totally unaware of how mush shit online gets tracked and recorded in some way shape or form, it's like the concept of a digital footprint does not exist in their minds at all.

Yes, I was not the best at managing this project and I've never denied this. I've apologized for it several times, and I tried my best to do better. I've apologized for things that weren't even my fault. I've said sorry so many times it doesn't even feel like a real word anymore. I do not have a time machine to fix every mistake I've made, so unless someone wants to give me a schematic for one, I kindly ask that you shut the fuck up. I beat myself up enough every time something goes wrong, I don't need everyone else to constantly tell me how shitty I am too.

I tried so hard to do a good job running this project despite it growing to be way bigger than I ever expected or intended it to be. I tried to take everyone's input into consideration, I tried to please as many people as I could.

You want more than just a cameo? Sure, you can make your own timeline, that sounds like fun. (x2)

You hate Connie and anything to do with her character? Sounds like you just wanna fuck Steven and you're jealous, especially considering the other people in this fandom you like to hang out with, but okay, I'll do my best to keep Connie x Steven out of as many channels as I can.

You say these two clowns are mean to you in your DMs and want me to fix it for you? Seems like personal beef you should be dealing with yourself, but since they're causing some problems in my server too let's try to talk to them and make it seem like I'm the one who's upset with them so you don't have to be the bad guy or have any sort of backbone (you can guess how well that went).

You're worried these side blogs have too many spoilers even if they're hidden? You think these posts shouldn't be on the main blog anymore? A completely valid concern, I'll delete them.

You think it's annoying to hear people talk about FNAF when you don't know about it (even though I've heard people talk about Deltarune for weeks despite not giving a singular shit about anything Undertale related)? Okay, I'll make some new channels just for you.

You say I don't give you enough credit for your work? Okay, that's fair, here's a special Discord role so people know that you've worked really hard and announcement to make it clear that's what it's for.

You don't think you're getting enough appreciation for working on these characters? Okay, you've done a lot for them, you can have them. I'll make sure everyone knows that you've done a lot of work on them, you can even review what I'm going to say about it before I make it public.

You don't wanna tell these other people working on the AU that they hurt your feelings 'cause you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself? Fine, I'll go ask them to apologize to you even though I don't really think they did anything wrong and were totally justified in being pissed at you.

You wanna spend an hour telling me how much of a piece of shit you think I am and how much I suck? Sure! Go right on ahead! I'll let you rant to your heart's content and I won't say a word.

You think I'm so terrible at running this project, you think I'm such horrible person, okay, fine! It's your problem now, you can have it! Have fun without me or any of my contributions!

Everyone kept pushing and pushing, kept testing me despite how much I warned them to stop, and when I can't take it any more and I'm absolutely sick of it and bite back, then they want to hide. Only then do they want it to stop, only then do they want to let go, sweep it under the rug, leave it all in the past. Only once they've got exactly what they fucking asked for do they realize the mistake they made. "Hey everybody, let's poke the bear and then act like it's crazy for growling at us!"

So. Yeah. You could say there was some drama. And of course, now everyone likes to pretend it wasn't a big deal and wants to move on. Which, I guess for them, it wasn't a big fucking deal. This changes nothing for any of them! They can fuck up and destroy as much as they like and they never have to worry about a thing, 'cause everyone is still gonna love them no matter what and believe everything they say as long as they keep up the soft and innocent cry baby routine. Wonderful. I'm sooo happy for them.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm the nicest person out there or that I'm perfectly innocent and I've never done anything wrong. I hurt people and I didn't run the project as well as I should have. But if you're going to tell this story, then for the love of fucking God, tell all of it. The idea that I was the only one fucking up is just wrong. The way people recite it makes it sound like I was a tyrannical, psychotic murderer the entire time for shits and giggles. Like I just enjoyed feeling like absolute shit and being slowly convinced over the course of a year that I'm horrible person and no amount of trying to be better is going to fix it, that do matter what I do I'll always be scary and a villain in their eyes, so why should I bother doing anything good? As if people fall apart and lose their minds for no reason besides they just want to, I guess. Yeah, that was so fun for me.

Though, to be fair, when I'm angry, I get very short-sighted and petty (which is why I try so hard not to be angry). That's what the venting blog is for. Things can get vitriolic on my venting blog... its my little corner of the internet where I can release some frustration in a place where people who know me irl wont be able to easily find it and in a way where I don't have to worry about offending somebody or being too dark or fucked up. Which is why it's a vent blog in the first place... one that I went through the effort of blocking people from and was intentionally very vague on... one that had basically zero interaction until after other people made a big fuss about it... and tbh, I'm not gonna try to explain away what's on it. My brain is fucked up sometimes and I'm not gonna lie about it. But I think it's a little unfair to judge someone's entire character off of how they are in their lowest, darkest moments. I happen to be willing to share a few of mine on that blog, and I don't think that's worth being lied about over.

//Tangent:

The concept of a venting blog is not some revolutionary new idea btw, I feel like it should be stated. If you've never explored Tumblr outside of the confines of whatever safe space you've made for yourself on your dash then maybe this idea might seem new to you, but there's thousands of venting and mental health blogs out there in a similar vein to my own. It's the reason I realized I could even make a blog like that — I went down the rabbit hole one incredibly depressed night and learned that, hey, there's other people on this site going through shit too, and they're willing to say the things I was far too scared to admit to myself. (At least, I was too scared at first. Now not so much.)

//End Tangent

If you wanna judge me then okay, but at the very least I think it'd be smart to look into things yourself instead of blindly believing what people tell you without question. You've got all the resources to come to your own conclusions. Walk the Line's Discord server and the Chaos Pit Discord server are archived and all their channels made public, along with all of these chat logs, this massive doc about two specific AU creators (that actually wasn't made by me if the typing style didn't make that obvious) and the old blog's archive.

Have fun diving further down this rabbit hole if you're really that curious, but I'm exhausted. Maybe you can do me a favor and make sure that people are spreading this part of the story so they have all of it.

[scripted-downfall]

thoughts on steve harrington ?

My thoughts on Steve are also complicated, and it's a bit of a journey; thus, this might end up being a bit long. (Actually, who am I kidding? All of my ask answers are long... but I'll try to keep it brief-ish.)

Short answer: I, personally, like him, though I can understand why people don't.

Long answer: My journey into the Stranger Things fandom has been a long and complicated one. I watched seasons 1 and 2 with my family when they first came out. Then, we lapsed and didn't watch the show again. Then, season 4 came out and @typicalopposite lured me in with an argument that essentially boiled down to "they introduced a new character named Eddie and he's just like you; watch the show! For me??? (cue digital puppy-dog eyes)", so I rewatched seasons 1 and 2, then watched seasons 3 and 4 for the first time. (It was a mistake, and vol. 2 is responsible for my emotional trauma and therapy bills.)

On the second rewatch, though, I was kinda surprised to see how much I liked Steve. I'm certainly not trying to say he didn't have problems in s1 --- he did, and there might be some qualifications for some (just saying, that photography thing was creepy, and I feel like an AITA post about that situation would come back inconclusive; neither was innocent, and both took it too far), but there are definitely some things that were uncalled for --- but my far-younger self had stored him as being far worse than he was when I rewatched. (Again: not saying he was perfect; just saying that he was far more respectful of Nancy's need to study than I remembered him being, and he had his turn away from being a jerk earlier in the show than I'd thought.)

His storyline is definitely one of evolution --- getting better than his season 1 self --- and I can certainly see why people still don't like him. My thoughts about him in s1 are a mixed-bag, but I definitely had started to like him in season 2. s3!Steve and on? Love his character so much. (The storyline with him, Dustin, Robin, and Erica? Pure cinematic gold.)

In terms of romance... that's complicated. I honestly don't want him to just get shoehorned into a romance that doesn't fit. Purveyors of my blog probably know that I do ship Steddie --- I want Eddie to come back even beyond any shipping matters, but I do think they work in a way that very few other romances that might be set up could --- and I think that, even with their limited screentime, this was set up decently well. However, if Steddie doesn't happen... a) I very much, 100% don't want to see him back with Nancy. And b) sticking him in some random romance would be a crying shame, and a reversal of the canon dialogue, since he'd been talking about how unfulfilling his random hook-ups had been previously. I've many times said that he and Robin are platonic soulmates, and they're awesome together --- I'm specifying platonic here because apparently people ship them together as a romantic couple??? They belong together, but not romantically --- and he's already got his whole found family thing going; I think this is a far better ending than either a random, undeveloped romance or a return to Stancy.

I hope that answers the ask well; I tried to make it thorough, but I might have missed something, so feel free to reach out with any questions! All the best, and thanks for the ask!