#AND I NEVER HAVE TO GO DEAL WITH THE BAD STUFF OUTSIDE AGAIN BC WITH HER ITS JUST A CONSTANT STREAM OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT

[exopelagic]

I know the world is cruel because I finally wanna draw again and yet I am forced to pack :(

[yamikawas]

i need to say something other than Yoomtah Please Kidnap Me.but also YOOMTAH PLEASE KIDNAP ME.

[nereidprinc3ss]

so um, you’ve probably have been asked this many times but how do you start writing fanfic without cringing at yourself? i already feel silly for reading it. i noticed you have gained recognition outside of tumblr which i believe to be an achievement but i can’t allow myself to go through that.

i work in the finance sector at a big american firm, i can’t have my coworkers knowing i’m writing fanfic. i already get teased for watching disney animated films (which it’s not that bad) how do you deal with this? ik you’re still at college and ofc, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid but i bet you know what i mean? do you have some advice on this?

⚠️me not shutting the fuck up and getting way too personal below the cut

honestly at first i DID cringe at myself. i cringed so much that after posting my first fic in like november i dont think i posted again til january because i was writing and would just get so humiliated despite being alone and no one knowing who i was or what i was doing LOL but honestly the way i got over that was just to do it more because i truly love writing and why would i let feeling “cringe” stop me from doing something i love and that makes me happy? that would be so heartbreaking, life is hard enough, we deserve to do things we love and are passionate about without judging ourselves so harshly

as for not letting other people know well yeah i just don’t tell my friends or anyone ik in real life that i write fanfic lol, they know i love to write and they know im obsessed with spencer reid but that’s as much as i’ve told them! i know it’s a thing that maybe most people would consider “weird” but as someone who has a crushing fear of intimacy this is kinda my outlet lmfao. and it made me feel really insecure and weird at first but then i realized like… i try to be kind and caring and thoughtful, i have a lot of good qualities and the fact that i write fanfic doesn’t actually detract from any of them. it also helped for me to accept the reason why i write fanfic which is (and we’re abt to get real personal) i’m deeply afraid of intimacy of any kind and always have been so writing fiction abt the stuff i’m too scared to do isn’t a bad thing. there are a lot of people who wouldn’t understand it but they don’t have the same experiences as me and i don’t need them to understand it because i know that they never could. like they don’t understand what it’s like to so terrified of being known by another person that you obsess over the hottest guy in your school district for six months bc you want the validation of him liking you back and you do everything in your power to make him like you and then when he actually does reciprocate you immediately start icing him out to the point where he says hi at a party and you ignore him to his face cause you’re so afraid of men😂😂😂😂😂 they don’t get those vibes!!!

anyway basically you just have to remember that you’re doing it for you and it actually doesn’t mean something is WRONG with you if you enjoy writing and the safety and control that fiction offers you. it just means you’re one of billions of people living an entirely unique experience, just like anyone else, and honestly i think it makes you interesting. having hobbies and passions is rlly sexy and cool, regardless of what they are, and you deserve to do stuff you like doing. if anyone else is giving you shit abt it it’s probably because they genuinely don’t understand what it’s like to have interests and that makes me feel bad for them lol

[icedmetaltea]

Just lettin ya'll know I'm ok

(random irl stuff to journal below, keep scrollin)

Wanted to wait to come back till

1. I wasn't dealing with mega gender dysphoria, my masc/neutral days are few and far between but by god it's been nonstop masc/neutral days lately and been a lot of just hating my body (and myself in general)

2. got the ebt stuff figured out, which I haven't yet, my doc put in a ref for a different place to sign a thing, waited 2 weeks for them to call, only to find out it was the wrong place and now I have to wait for the next place to call... which like yea I'm worrying about food but talking about it in therapy has helped somewhat. She reassured me even if that doesn't work we WILL find some place that'll sign the form I need to be eligible again

3. I wasn't dealing with as bad of depression/anxiety which like... idk. I've definitely been doing better anxiety-wise but idk if that's bc it hasn't been as hot lately or I've been feeding myself better. I know I must've been eating under 1200s calories the past few weeks bc the scale finally stopped going down and I know for a fact my anxiety gets bad when I'm hungry so I think for about a month I was unintentionally starving myself, SO making myself eat at least 2 nutritious meals a day now

At the same time I think perhaps my pmdd symptoms are... reversing time schedules??? Usually my anxiety/depression gets way worse before period but now it seems like it's fine before and terrible during/after????? Makes zero sense but who knows. Also it's a couple days late now so health anxiety is going off the shits about PCOS or something again UGH

Making SOME progress with therapy, am able to be outside for 5 mins without feeling that horrific sense of dread so that's something.

I've also been coming to the realization that I may have some form of DID?? Not the type where you lose time/blackout/completely have entirely different memories and starkly different personality switches but I've definitely been noticing now that I've been putting more attention to it how I go into different "modes" and sets of interests throughout the weeks and I mean... it's not secret I have imaginary friends I talk to on the daily. I've had an issue figuring out where "they" end and "myself" begins since childhood. Plus I already deal with derealization/dissociation/occasional age regression so it's not out of the realm of possibility. May bring it up next therapy apt. Kinda worried to bc I never want to get rid of them and I'm worried that would be one of the goals, like... just no. I can't think of anything more lonely.

But yea just random stuff I needed to get outta my system, sorry about all the suicidal stuff, it's just really hard. The future seems so bleak. And if one thing sets me back, like doctor stuff, food issues, etc my brain is like "DEATH WOULD BE EASIER LOL" BUT there's a chance trump/a republican candidate won't win, a chance climate change will be reversed/humanity will adapt somehow, a chance I'll be accepted for disability and live a halfway decent life, and if not... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But for now there's food in the fridge, for now mom and dad are alive, for now we're ok.

[cuephrase]

all the penance ✨lore✨

i say "all" i will probs forget stuff lmao. if you had any questions or this posts spark some, feel free to send me an ask!!

so okay. one of the things i absolutely delight in doing as a writer is like attention to detail for oomph and drama and sometimes that comes through very clearly, like the chapter names each being a different stage of grief (which was technically not planned, as in i didn't know that from the jump but as soon as i titled chapter 1 i knew what they were all going to be), and other times it's more subtle. basically, i overthink everything but uh i have fun and now i'm going to share all that with you!!

if you are most interested in how i came up with the ending, scroll to the bottom of this post 🫡

⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️

cw: the fic is tagged with MCD and deals extensively with grief and mourning, however, !big ending spoiler!: everyone lives :)

the pov rule(s)

the pov could only ever be someone who could see ghost!tim. so ch1 and 2 are strictly tim and jason (and why we don't get jason pov until after he sees tim again). the first time we get dick's pov is after ghost!tim gets the bracelet that makes him visible to everyone!!

that being said, the reason why we don't get bruce pov until he's making the trade with tim is because i...i wanted bruce to look bad. listen, unreliable narrator is extremely important to me, okay? and the second we got bruce's pov we would see how he's actually doing vs how the boys were perceiving him and it would've ruined everything.

i wanted bruce to be incredibly frustrating, what can i say? it's relevant later, bookmark this for when i get to the Ending.

why touching hurt

okay i never found a convenient way to work this into the fic, but there is a reason why touching the ghosts was physically painful.

basically, interacting with the ghost of a loved one brings all of the grief they're feeling front and center.

this is why it hurts dick the most the night that tim dies, bc the grief is intensely fresh and raw. however, years later when he hugs ghost!tim it doesn't hurt as bad, although it still hurts a ton, bc he's had time to process his grief and heal in some ways.

this is why bruce seemed unaffected, bc he is wallowing in his grief on a regular basis but doing his best to function through it. he breaks when he's standing outside of jason's room bc he was already vulnerable in that moment and didn't have anything to cover with.

this is why it doesn't hurt jason when ghost!tim touches him, until after they've started the unwinding process.

jason and tim's relationship in this fic is very...unique. they don't mean anything to each other until after tim has died. his death wasn't really something that super affected jason for tim's sake- like he was mainly bummed for dick and bruce. and then, once jason comes back to life, tim is the same to him. ghost!tim is the only way he really knows tim. the way that ghost!jason feels about tim is very much so like, he's in Robin-mode and tim is a civilian-in-crisis.

and they trauma-bonded, but also they were only ghosts together for a month so like their relationship is this haphazard blend of intense vulnerability but still only kind-of knowing each other. plus like, ghost!jason is different than resurrected!jason and ghost!jason is who tim has a connection with- it's a mess, it's so fun. but anyways!!

jason isn't grieving tim's death until they start the unwinding process, bc for him, that is the moment that tim's death becomes real to him. and at that point, he's no longer just a civilian-in-crisis to jason- he's the last person jason promised himself he'd save and he's failing him.

the reason why touching hurts less over time, specifically prolonged contact, is bc it forces them to kind of sit with their grief and feel it and accept it rather than just shove it all down. in a way, it's helpful. extremely uncomfortable tho.

why alfred was in england

he functions too well as a buffer. i needed them to be forced to deal with each other and alfred being around gave them too many outs. also, after the trade, i didn't want dick to have anyone to lean on.

about dick

idk how many of you will agree with me, but i really think dick had it the absolute worst out of everyone. no lie, the whole thing that sparked this fic was stamp (@a-canceled-stamp, darling if you see this ilysm, and also you should def check out her fics if you haven't, cardboard box destroyed me) mentioning how much anguish dick would suffer if tim died, okay, so like dick having a Horrible Time was the origin and yet. seeing him struggle was...i was sitting there like "who could do this to him" as i typed merrily.

although!! fun fact!! the scene where dick and tim hug is one of two scenes that made my cry. it was not pretty. i get like really into the pov character's headspace when i write and so like i knew that the scene was going to be sad obviously, but holy fuck it hit me so hard. i tried to like give myself a second to cry and re-group, but the tears persisted so i had to just type and blink and power through. the scene was actually going to be a bit longer and more painful, but uh. i physically could not continue.

this dialogue exchange wrecked me, i tell you- wrecked me:

“I missed you so much.” He should really shut up now. “And I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you. I know you said it wasn’t my fault, but it was, because if I was faster, or if I hadn’t left you alone, if I’d been the hero you thought I was-” “But you are.” “I failed you.” The words are sharper than stomach acid in his mouth. “No, you didn’t.” Tim says. He edges closer. “Without you, I would have died alone. But you saved me from that.”

omfg it's making me tear up again, help me. *scrolls so i can't see it*

i did bum myself out with that tho, bc ch 3 was bargaining and i lost a moment of bargaining bc of my weakness.

dick was supposed to plead with tim to stay, to put off moving on for even just a day. and tim was going to be like conflicted but say something like, "if you really want me to, i'll stay an extra day. for you." and dick would realize how much the request was hurting tim, even if he was willing to give dick what he wanted, and know, awfully, that even though he just got his brother back, if he loved him he had to let him go again.

which yk. ow. but ultimately, i do think it worked out for the best!! i think i was able to cover all that emotional anguish later.

fun parallel

cw: vomit/throwing up

so penance is a sequel, but bile is sweeter is 100% optional. however, if you did read bile is sweeter you might have noticed this fun callback:

Tim didn’t need to ask Jason which was worse anymore. The bitter taste of failure in his mouth made the bile sweet in comparison.

bile is sweeter

Sour and sharp, the leftover bile burns in his mouth. It’s still a sweeter flavor than failure.

penance, ch 5

now i point this out, not bc it's an easter egg (this post would be miles long if i was doing all that), but bc it's actually a really fun, depressing reversal. in the first fic, tim feels like a failure bc he knows he's dying. however, in the second, tim feels like a failure bc he's alive.

i was super hoping i'd be able to twist that, and it was super satisfying. honestly all the body horror with tim was incredibly fun- at the beginning when he's a ghost and in denial about it but can't help noticing all the things that are missing. this line in particular was really fun imo:

Tim crept closer, the terror in his chest building. It was such a quiet terror without his heart pounding. 

and then, hopefully, bc lacking a pulse/heartbeat had been reinforced as a trait of ghost!tim, i was able to immediately signal what the results of the trade were when ch 5 opens:

He can feel his heart beating in his chest.

which. opening ch 5 was a Challenge. i wanted it to be very in the moment and even though tim was alive, i didn't want there to be any sense of like relief or peace. i also didn't want to flat out say "Tim is alive and Bruce is dead!!", partially bc i knew people were expecting a twist, like even if i brought tim back i might've done a fake-out as far as who traded with him. i don't drag it out very much, and i don't think it's a surprise for anyone who wasn't guessing a fake-out. but that is also why the chapter opens the way it does- one by one you get a name, so you can confirm who's alive.

but back to the body horror!! tim having a hard time re-adjusting to being human again was so much fun to write. partially bc of like all the little details, all those small things about existing that you might not notice, but also bc all of those things were working together to remind tim that he was alive- which he was not happy about. like. everything was a trigger for the poor kid.

oh!! another really fun parallel/reversal, that i can explain now bc i explained why touching the ghosts hurt- ghost!jason is the one who has to explain to tim that he's dead, right? he's the one that helps tim figure that out and learn the ropes of being a ghost. and he's comfortable in that role. however, despite that, jason is the one that has the hardest time coming to terms with the fact that tim is not alive. this one makes me !!! because like if you notice, ghost!jason never actually says "You're dead" to tim. i mean, it is implied often and evident via context clues, but yeah!! like look:

“Am I…? I’m-” The word stuck in his throat. He tried to say it again and only succeeded in making that hollow feeling inside him expand. “Aren’t I?”  He stared at Jason helplessly. He understood what Tim was asking, didn’t he? Oh god, why had he asked him. He didn’t want to know.  Jason glanced away, blinked rapidly. Nodded.  “Yeah.” He moved as if to pull Tim towards him, then stopped himself. “You are.”

even in this moment, jason can't bring himself to like fully admit that tim is dead- neither of them say the word, partially bc they don't need to to know what they're talking about but also it's like a fun lil speck of foreshadowing that jason wil really struggle to grasp that the tim he knows is a dead kid.

which, if you're like, hey wait a minute cue, but jason knew that there was a second dead robin and it was part of what made him upset with bruce, sooooo. correct!! so the reason for this is bc of jason's memories getting all messed up. he doesn't super associate the ghost he knew to the robin that died after him, mainly bc he didn't think the ghost memories were real. his fury over the follow-up robin's death is more about the Principle of the Thing than 'you're actions lead to the death of someone i care about'. plus like, there is no robin when jason comes back to life- robin is someone who has died. but tim? tim is exactly like jason remembers him. so they just kind of exist as like separate entities for jason. which is-

don't get me started on the character's headspaces, okay, we will be here for hours. i was having the absolute time of my life working out their reactions and relationships fr

tim's memorial case (or really, the lack thereof)

remember how i said earlier i was going to cycle back to wanting bruce to look bad? well. obviously the lack of a memorial case was a big strike against him.

highlighting that particular detail was really fun, even if i felt manipulative af for it bc i knew that the only reason there wasn't a memorial case is bc it was too hard for dick to have that.

fun fact: within the scope of the fic rn, i don't think tim ever finds out about this? this gets revealed when dick and jason are fighting (gah also super fun) and in the whirlwind of shit that happens just does not get brought back up.

it's also one of those things that really emphasizes that to dick, bruce, and alfred, tim was dead. a couple things may have happened here and there that made their skin prickle, but overall they were just...grieving. they didn't suspect any ghosts. bc really, the lack of a memorial isn't that heinous- yes, it's hurtful to tim, but they have no way of knowing that. and to them, they know how much tim means to them and the different ways they carry his memory with them every day.

like, tim thought they didn't do anything on the anniversary of his death. he thought bruce went out like it was any other night. which just showcases how being geo-locked inhibited ghost!tim's awareness. like, he thinks he's omniscient to an extent when it comes to bruce and alfred, bc he's in the Manor- he sees them when they think they're alone. but he isn't with any of them 24/7, even if he is seeing them in situations he wouldn't have when he was alive.

truly so many misconceptions in this series- i love it sm.

the ending

look. there were a lot of ways i could have ended this fic. however, stamp had mentioned not really liking sad endings, and i took that as a personal challenge. how could i write this fic about grief, in all of it's messiness, and deliver an ending that felt tonally and thematically in line that wasn't sad? honestly? i had no clue. before i started writing the first chapter, i knew that i wanted everyone to live, but i had zero clue how i was going to achieve that.

now, in general, i do not plot. i had 5 scenes in mind when i started writing this fic, and none of them were in the last chapter. i started that last chapter blind. well. sort of. i had a sort of mental checklist- i knew i didn't want the end to feel like a cop-out or contrived, so i had these three things i wanted to establish before there was proper hope for bruce's return:

the boys could not save bruce

tim accepting the fact that he was wanted and loved

jason accepting them as his family

and even tho we do get bruce's pov before all of these get established, they do occur before bruce is offered the deal and there's like a tangible, in-story plausibility that he might live.

the only other thing i knew for certain was that bruce was going to have to choose his kids over his parents. but i didn't know how that was going to get set up.

when the shadow-spirit came onscreen, that's when i saw how bruce could get his loophole.

the shadow-spirit is a soul guide, it's whole entire job getting bruce to the Afterlife and it's super fed up with bruce bc he's not going. time isn't supposed to keep looping the way it is. it thought that by giving bruce his parents, the transition would be quick and easy and yet this one is struggling. it doesn't offer the deal to bruce out of kindness, but cruelty. it thinks it knows how to out-think and break bruce, and kind of wants to punish him for making its job so difficult.

fun fact about the shadow-spirit: it looks the way it does for two reasons- one bc i couldn't picture a person and decided to stop trying and two so that i could get this line:

The darkness rushes at him, consumes him.

which tickles me bc darkness is literally rushing at him, but also the metaphor?! so much fun.

i also needed bruce to get his memories back bc it was Very Important to me as the writer that bruce knew exactly what he was doing when he chose his sons/chose to live by letting go of his parents. bc in that moment, bruce is accepting the fact that they're gone and he can't save them, even if he wishes he could. which is such a big deal for bruce bc his grief over losing them motivates him sm.

but i truly believe that he loves his kids so fiercely that as much as he would want to choose the happy life he never got to have with his parents, he would give that all up if he got the chance to continue being their father. bc he knows what it's like to be a son and lose your parents. but it’s still a hard sacrifice for him. so hard.

bc his parents are the easy choice, yk? who would blame him, really. and the boys already think he’s dead and can’t be saved, and as we see, they’re a mess but they’re coming together. they would never know that bruce could have come back to them if bruce decided not to. and bruce would forget that he ever knew them, so he wouldn’t even have to mourn them. so it’s tempting.

which is why i think it’s so !!!!!!!! when he chooses his kids bc i think it’s like believable that he might not choose them. within the story, and also outside of it, bc readers trusted/expected me to be evil and last we saw the boys, things were rough but they were coming together.

the boys could heal. bruce could be free.

but that’s not the story i wanted to tell. it’s not about accepting death. it’s about accepting life.

this is also why you don't see how the trade with bruce and tim goes down until the very end- it wasn't just so i could leave things off on a cliffhanger. it was so i could end it on this sentence:

He accepts the trade.

yes, bc it reflects the title of the chapter, fun, but bc by accepting the trade, tim is accepting life. which in some ways, is still me making commentary about the grieving process, bc in my experience, one of the hardest parts is accepting that you yourself are still alive. you've got to find some way to keep going despite the loss.

but it's also me making commentary about superheroes and the genre, bc yk, they're typically pretty damn willing to die for others. they'll make that ultimate sacrifice. but in some ways, the harder sacrifice is not dying, is choosing to live and deal with the aftermath of tragedy.

the title

penance: voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong.

and that’s kind of what they’re all trying to do the whole fic, sacrifice themselves as punishment for their perceived mistakes and shortcomings.

but their basic premises are wrong. death is not their fault. they are not mistakes. there’s nothing they need to atone for. all they need to do is be there for each other.

anyways!! i think that's everything i can think of rn, shy of like dissecting the whole entire fic. if you read through all this (and/or the fic itself), tysm for entertaining my ramblings!!

[daddyygh0stface]

Idk why I wanna share this, but I'm autistic and feel like everyone in my life has at some point been so condescending towards me. I'm obviously so socially oblivious and so bad at reading signals, and whenever I do something stupid or inappropriate, I feel like its thrown back in my face OR the people around me laugh at me and it feels like they gang up against me.

I just feel so vulnerable being me sometimes, even with loved ones. I'm so tired of masking around every fucking body in my life. I'm always made a fool of, laughed at, embarrassed or have my autism thrown in my face and its used to treat me like I'm lower just bc I don't function like a normal human. I feel like a freak, and family members have alluded to it so... maybe I really am. I'm sorry idk why I wanted to say this, I'm just rambling and have no one autistic to talk to in my life and feel lonely. I hope you don't mind. Sorry again if its too much or I'm trauma dumping. I just literally have no one else, my mom makes a tired face whenever I try to talk about my feelings so I keep it all hidden.

I say this in the nicest way possible you should really try therapy it has helped me a lot with dealing with everything in my life. Especially with how you are feeling felt like that for years. I should say there I don't know you and probably never will but I'm glad you're here and I love you and I love that you're still trying.

I've always wanted to create some type of community outside of nsfw stuff like a streaming community to where people just know my story, with how far I've come even with everything stacked against me That I can do it and everyone else sure as fuck can to. I've always wanted a have a community to where can see me like "hes just like so that means I can do it too" I've always wanted a little corner on the internet even if you aren't autistic people would feel welcomed. I have severe anxiety, i'm actually agoraphobic :) just want people to see me and see that hey he can do it so why don't I keep trying and maybe one day I can do it like him. I know in this life it sure as fuck isn't easy but no one said it was going go be what matters is we help each other feel a little less alone in this place.

People may laugh at you now but one day they will truly understand that you were no different from them. As someone who constantly feels like a burden with my mom I promise you from what I've learned we are far from being anything like that and if you still feel like that you are one I don't think you are I'm sure all the people who read are going yo think the same thing, you aren't one.

I could probably type forever and ever but I hope it made you feel somewhat better

[ayahimes]

life update : ( tw hospital mention , tw anxiety , tw depression , tw death mention , tw covid mention )

so two weeks ago when shit hit the fan in the genshin rpc with the callout , the same day i was met with some pretty devastating news .

for some background : not everyone is aware but back in 2020 i put my school on hold because i was working as a nurse full time and doing a ton of overtime during the pandemic . i was initially working in ortho and then transferred to critical care ( where i still am too ) during the end of 2020 when it got really bad during the holidays . because of everything from it my mental health was shit and i was dealing with the ptsd of the trauma and death i saw every day . i'm still not 100% but much better than i was .

i eventually was told i got into a masters program again to get my pmhnp - bc and after some delays i spent 2.5 years of my life on it . anyways fast forward to two weeks ago . i didn't pass the exit examination for my program by one point and was told all my hard work was basically for nothing and i'd have to start all over again elsewhere . tbh , i was devastated and i still am . i'm currently trying to get my bearings straight and find out what i need to do next , but i just need some time is all . by no means are my efforts wasted , nor is it the end of the world , but this setback has definitely made me re-evaluate a lot of my life .

i have time again but i've decided to pick up more hours at work to pay for another 50k+ program somehow ( crazy huh ) and to enjoy my vacation in december . i'm still here and am enjoying my time , but if my heart or attention isn't into things it's nothing personal . i'm here to enjoy my time and hobby when i can , and i'm just going where i am happiest , whether it's gaming for hours on end or writing a shit post then logging off . thank you to everyone who has extended their kindness to me over the last two weeks , and those who have been patient with me since i've joined the fandom . i know i don't really owe an explanation but i want to so you all can understand the stuff going on outside of here too .

keep being kind to people . you never know what they're going through beyond here . sometimes our attitudes can make all the difference . and if you made it this far ? thank you <3

[just-a-carrot]

okookookkokoko WHERE DO I EVEN START. I LOVE THIS GAME SM SMH BUT I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPLAINING STUFF SO TAKE THIS SHORT PASSAGE. (Most of this will be an unorganized ramble btw)

(SPOILER WARNING FOR MOST ARCS)

I played T2A2G and OC before this so um. Guess which route I did lmao. SPEAKING OF ROUTES, GENZOU GENZOU GEZNOU GEZNOU GEZNOU OMG GENZOU. I RELATE TO THIS MAN IN WAYS I DID NOT KNOW I COULD RELATE TO A CHARACTER. LIKE WTH?? HE HAS SUCH A TRANSPARENT CLOSET LOL. And also speaking of Genzou I do have a few questions related to him

-Is Genzou fully blind? I don't think he is bc of his cane but I heard it's different in some countries so idk

-We learn Genzou is (supposedly) taking antidepressants in Arc 2. Is he clinically depressed? (According to the Visual Noval Database he is anyways but idk)

-HOW TF DOES HE DEAL WITH BEING CANNIBALIZED TWICE LIKE DAMN..I WOULD HAVE A BREAKDOWN NO MATTER WHO I'M WITH??

-Did Genzou's friends ever like assume that he was gay?? Or like did he tell anyone?? Or did he try his best to hide it lmao

-Did anyone think/know that Gen had a crush on Iggy??

-GENZOU WITHOUT HIS HAT <333

I love Genzou sm if you couldn't tell already /p

ARC 3 CONFUSED ME SM LOL. I thought that I had accidently switched routes (even though I hadn't even made my LI choice, I ofc didn't know this atm though) from Genzou to Orlam and I was fr so confused like waht. Also like I feel so bad for Orlam wth </3.

HUMAN JERRY.

OO ALSO SOME MORE THINGS

-During some parts (mostly during arcs 3/4) I HAD TO PLAY A RELAXING PLAYLISTS BECASE I FELT OVERWHELMED/ANXIOUS/IDEK?? AND AT SOME POINT I JS GAVE UP AND STATED PLAYING HYPERCORE LMAO

-I LOV ELOVE LOVE THE WAY THAT THE NEUTRAL ENDING COLLIDES(???) WITH OC LIEK WHATWHDWATDHFWHWFTHAFG. IDK BUT FOR ME IT MAKES ME FEEL LIEK IT'S THE MORE "CANON" ENDING EVEN THOUGH THERE IS (probably) NO CANON ENDING.

-I IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE GALLERY LIEK OMG??

-Some of my favorite liens in the game were the homicidal gardener lines (both referring to Iggs and Gen), when Gen was arguing with Jerry, When Genzou was telling iggs during the Arc 5 Kiddie Cruise scene that it shoudn't be a choice like I WAS GONNA CHOOSE DONT JUMP JS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS LOL

-I also relate a lot to Iggy in some forms

-GIDGET.

-I took a total of 260 screenshots of this game (as of now heheh)

UM YH THATS ALL SORRY IF IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND OR TOO ENERGETIC BUT I TRULY LOVE THIS GAME SM. Ima go replay OC again byes <3 :3 BEST REGARDS ILYSM /p

KDFJLADFA this message is so chaotic, i love it

first off, i'm really happy you like the game (and genzou) weep. thank you so much for all the kind words 😭💕 i'm also always super intrigued to see where/how ppl came into the game, so hearing you played T2A2G and OC first is very interesting to me lakdjfkdjfa

regarding your questions:

yes he is; i do think he sees a bit of light/shadow (which is different to an answer i gave some time ago, but i've been thinking about it since) but that's about it; it's a result of traumatic optic neuropathy

yes he is; he's been on meds and seeing a therapist for a while

i cannot answer this question LOL 🤣 i also don't know. i guess the only answer is that he has no choice

mmm... he never outright told anyone in the friend group. tbh he doesn't outright tell many people, mostly as he's just a bit of a private person in that regard and keeps to himself outside of attempting dating apps every now and then. i would not say he actively attempted to hide it though aside from around iggy. as for other people assuming i think it was something many of them did kinda realize but never said anything also

similar here, i think some of them kinda knew. i think gidget knew, even if they kinda ignored it, because it prompted their jealousy on a few occasions. i think orlam had a bit of a guess but it wasn't really confirmed until later

LDKAJFSLDKFA THAT'S NOT A QUESTION

LOL about the routes. indeed, if you don't realize that actually all the "routes" are mandatory parts of the story until the finale then it can be confusing if you thought you were going for a specific char early on or something 🤣 it's not like the games where you can pick your route and then the rest of the game is that route

hahaha yeah i wouldn't say there's a "canon" ending. for one, i feel like that would kinda defeat the point of having different possibilities to begin with. why make other choices if there's only ever one canon ending? i want people to be able to choose however they want the story to end. i mostly connected the neutral ending to OC as a sort of self-indulgent gift to myself, because i thought it would be very sweet if iggy would still have a chance to find companionship with one of his friends later on even if he chose to focus on himself first. like that it just keeps it open. i also just thought it'd be a fun easter egg to give ppl more incentive to at least try the neutral route as i figure most ppl would not choose that route as it's kinda short compared to the others and doesn't give as much closure to the other chars

260 SCREENSHOTS LDKJFASDLFA

sob thank you for this lovely message!! it was really fun answering your questions hahaha and i'm really glad you liked the game so much!! it means a lot!! 💕

[not-poignant]

You have a very broad readership; do you still, like most ao3 writers, use writing as a way to make friends? If so, how do you manage both to make connections and keep from uncomfortable parasocial engagements?

(admitting: I like your work a lot, I have a similar interest in writing trauma and recovery, I would like to befriend you, but I don't want to bother you bc lots of people want to be friend with writers they like and there's no way you'd have energy for all of them!)

Hi hi anon,

So...this response might be disappointing, but I didn't use fanfiction writing as a way of making friends. That's not why I started, and it's never been the reason for me to be in fandom.

(Thoughts about friendship and stuff under the read more, it's pretty personal so no obligation to read. The TL;DR is I am bad at friendship and I also am not like 'most AO3 writers' (is that really why most AO3 writers write?) in the sense that I never wrote fanfiction as a way to make friends and it's very weird to me sometimes that people actually do this as a motive).

When I turned up in fandom, it was a very private experience for me. I didn't know anyone else locally who shared the same fandom/s I do. When I shared fanfiction on Livejournal, I did so to complete strangers who I never got to know better, or to people who were already friends through other interests.

I've never gone to fandom conventions (there's few here, and I have severe social anxiety. By the time I thought about going I was in my late 30s, and just felt like I'd be too much of an outsider even among fellow outsiders - again, I shared almost no fandoms or ships with anyone I knew locally, and no one I'm friends with / know in person reads my fanfiction). Fandom was always an incredibly isolated experience for me.

When I joined AO3, it wasn't with a view to making friends. I was extremely burnt out, I'd quit my previous job as a professional artist because I couldn't see a way of making the income work out, and I just wanted to write a very angst-filled story that would help me deal with my loneliness which I didn't see as something that would ever change. Writing about a character who's experienced centuries of loneliness was like 'cool, yeah, I'm gonna write about him.'

I did end up making friends, but it was kind of by accident! And not all of those experiences were positive. One person in particular became quite toxic and cruel towards me, and I experienced my first kind of encounter with...I guess what I would call the uglier side of fandom life and also just friendship and relationships. It took me a long time to recover from that experience (and to learn what emotional abuse is), and after that I shut down and stopped kind of making friends on the internet.

I have made friends through the writing since (they're usually the mutuals I also have on Instagram, or here, or people I've DMed in Discord etc.), but I haven't really sought it out actively and I think anyone who knows me well enough that we've private messaged a few times, also knows that I'm quite aloof and reserved, and that I will engage quite deeply sometimes but then disappear for a few months (or years) re: communication, which is a remnant of a period of time where I used to get sometimes 200 Whatsapp messages in 5 minutes from someone who expected me to be accountable to her every second of every day when she was awake and wanted me to be.

On top of like, severe social anxiety + PTSD, and being very reserved in general, I would also say I'm very time poor. I don't have much time for the friends I already have and care about. I often view myself as quite a poor friend, who is not good at starting and even worse at maintaining connections. I'm also very private. As in, I will happily tell the world I have PTSD. But I won't tell my friends in a private conversation when I'm having a bad night, and I don't give friends many opportunities to connect. Even with really close friends, this is an ongoing issue that I'm working on.

So as for befriending, that's extremely sweet of you anon, but who I am in my personal life is sometimes very different to like... the way I can respond in comments or to anons, because it's actually easier for me to talk to strangers sometimes than it is for me to talk to friends, lol. I honestly think some of the people I consider my friends don't even know that I do, because I don't really behave like one. I chat online regularly to one person only, and one other person intermittently (and they're a romantic partner) and that's it. Everyone else I chat to pretty rarely in DM. But I do turn up in the Fae Tales Discord every day.

I don't actually think lots of people want to be my friend, tbh? Not in a 'woe is me' way, but simply because I think some people do grok that kind of... polite distance or that sort of warm 'I care for a lot of people but I am also quite personally walled off' kind of way. The good news is a lot of the folks in the Fae Tales Discord also share a lot of interest in writing trauma and recovery, or have those experiences, and I know a lot of good friends have been made within the like...faedom itself. A lot of neurodivergent, trauma-focused folks have met each other through this writing, and it's really cool seeing the different friendships that have sparked up between people. There's a lot of extremely like... skilled, talented, interesting people that I've met through this job, who I admire, respect and want the best for, and am very happy to talk to.

But yeah I'm a bit difficult to befriend, anon, and that's been an ongoing thing all my life, tbh. But it did specifically get worse in fandom because of some early fandom experiences when I started out in Rise of the Guardians fanfiction.

[sebsxphia]

Hey sebby angel,

I realized after I sent you the very rushed ask (more like statement, my apologies) about Jake being Lavender Haze coded, that I didn't explain anything. I dropped that thought and split like the devil(I was walking into work, but still).

So my thought: Jake Seresin is Lavender Haze coded (idk if anyone has thrown this thought around but I listened to Lavender Haze bc of a tik tok and that blonde himbo popped up into my head)

My reasoning:

I feel like Jake is from a well off Texas socialite family (oil money or something). He's always had these huge expectations on his shoulders. Go to college, get married, take over the business, and pop out an heir or two. Love doesn't matter, it's all business in the end.

That isn't Jake. While he feels like he's too young (he's just about a HS graduate here in this time line) for marriage and kids, he knows what he doesn't want. He doesn't want the stiff politeness his parents have. He doesn't want his potential children to fear seeking him out for anything. He doesn't go to his parents for anything. Instead of going to college he goes to the flight academy which causes a rift between him and his family. I think during this time Hangman is created as a mask. He plays the mister "love them and leave em," too cool to settle down. He does this rinse and repeat until after the mission. (Actually I feel like he's starting to slow down and re-think a lot of stuff regarding his life when the mission is announced but that's another thesis in itself).

He meets you. (Maybe at the Hard Deck or on base, idk) You sneak in under his defences until it's too late and you're all over his heart and I think he panics when he realizes he loves you. He's never loved anyone like this before and I think he tries to rapidly destroy everything around y'all so you know how bad of an idea it actually is to love him. (It's not but generational trauma sucks). The fear of settling catches up to him again bc "no deal, the 1950s shit the want from me." He just wants to stay in the "lavender haze" y'all have created. Drown in all the endorphins you're flooding his senses with. This space where he felt like he could start letting Jake through and let you see through the shell he wore but it wasn't so serious he felt "trapped."

He doesn't expect you to stay. To be persistent about your love and how you want to meet him in the middle. You don't care for societal expectations. You just want him to be happy and healthy in your life. Even if that means going back to friends. I don't think you'd tolerate him playing with your emotions bc he's insecure but I think you know enough about Jake to know why he's like this. I think you and Javy sit down and talk to him. (He has had issues accepting the unconditional love Javy gives him too).

(I know I'm missing plot points, I apologize)

Idk in the end I think he realizes he can stay in the lavender haze, doesn't have to get married, do the kids thing if he doesn't want to. But he can put down roots, find a home in you. He doesn't want to love and leave you.

(thank you for listening to my Ted talk)

Xo,

Beck 💚

BECK!!!!!!!!!!! i’m so in awe of this masterpiece that you’ve created and i’m absolutely hanging off every word! 🥹🥰

I think during this time Hangman is created as a mask. He plays the mister "love them and leave em," too cool to settle down. He does this rinse and repeat until after the mission. (Actually I feel like he's starting to slow down and re-think a lot of stuff regarding his life when the mission is announced but that's another thesis in itself).

so firstly, this! yes! the mask of hangman being created is absolutely something jake would do to protect himself from harm and i’ve always believed this is how jake is. he’s tough hangman on the outside, but gooey, soft and vulnerable jake on the inside. but the mission thesis is something i’m SO into! he gets incredibly close to his squad and let’s down his guard ever so slightly in the lead up to the mission, that he thinks, “maybe i can let myself love. at least for these guys. because i think i love them.”

He just wants to stay in the "lavender haze" y'all have created. Drown in all the endorphins you're flooding his senses with. This space where he felt like he could start letting Jake through and let you see through the shell he wore but it wasn't so serious he felt "trapped."

THIS RIGHT HERE IS POETRY BECK! 🥺 he found this lavender haze, this sweet spot, this daze, and he felt safe for the first time in his entire life.

I think you and Javy sit down and talk to him. (He has had issues accepting the unconditional love Javy gives him too).

REAL! going back to my first point, i couldn’t agree more with this!

Idk in the end I think he realizes he can stay in the lavender haze, doesn't have to get married, do the kids thing if he doesn't want to. But he can put down roots, find a home in you. He doesn't want to love and leave you.

yes, yes, yes! and i’ve always believed that you and jake would never have a traditional relationship, and it would be whatever you find works for you both.

goddddd beck! i’m so incredibly in love with this idea! thank you so, so much for blessing me with your beautiful and wonderful mind and thought! mwah mwah mwah! ilysm! 🥹🥰💗🫶🏼

[samuelroukin]

might be a bit too personal of a question so feel free to ignore/delete but have you struggled w/ alcoholism? i think i remember you saying that you dont drink much anymore so i just wanted to ask for idk some kind of advice cuz i just cant manage to drop that shit. thanks in advance man

hi don't worry i don't mind talking about it, but i'll put it behind a cut for others bc this got kinda long and i don't want to trigger anyone

first off i wouldn't say i am or ever have been an alcoholic especially comparing myself to other people in my life but i've had periods where i was struggling with it, getting drunk most nights and even sometimes having a drink (or two) during the day if i had to do something i felt anxious about, it was def a crutch and i occasionally fall back into it but only for short times luckily. so have that in mind, my advice might not be that useful for you

so for me it was really mostly about realizing ok this is A Thing and i don't want to let it get too far, i was pairing it with some other really unhealthy habits and started noticing some side effects (other than money lmao)

so i kinda figured ok. you don't need to do this. every time you decide to buy a bottle of whatever that's the alcohol kinda whispering in ur ear like ohhh im so fun but in the long term it's only gonna make me feel like shit, both physically and mentally. so not having it in the house made it so i could go a couple days without it, and then cave again, feel like shit, repeat.

but by stretching that time before caving i could sit with it for better or worse like now what do i do? i feel bad but drinking is gonna make me feel a different kind of bad so that's not an option (today at least! there's always tomorrow for making worse choices, idk but having that in mind helped) and then i'd find ways to distract myself, something to do with your hands can be helpful but it depends on how much brain space you have. but it gets easier and easier, slowly but surely. it's cliche but at first it really is about having that bit of control to go even a day without. that shows you that you can do it, however short at first

and then in time i won't lie you'll have moments of missing it but it's like. i know the trade off and i know it's not worth it slipping into that again because in the end it doesn't help. it's a coping mechanism and you have to either replace it with something healthier or whatever, or deal with what's making you use it. for me personally it was (and is) depression and anxiety and just shit life syndrome which aren't easy to just fix but i know drinking is gonna make all of that worse and i know better ways to deal with my feelings (could be anything for you, some people like journaling or therapy and neither of those did shit for me so. but you gotta find something)

sorry this got kinda long and rambling, and i don't know how much help it really is. i never felt like i needed outside help so i don't have any clue how that works but i've heard from others that groups like aa (maybe not aa specifically cause i've heard some weird stuff about them) can be really good for more insight and accountability but idk on a personal level

[sickness-health-all-that-shit]

hello! i was watching ian and mickey scenes through *the* youtube channel, i'm not too deep into the lore of the fandom but! i read that noel wanted to be paid more for his role which is why they wrote him off on s6 etc. reading some comments through clips from the other seasons he is not in i saw that the ''reasons'' as of why ian seems not to care of him was because of his medication and pretending to keep himself steady but with s7 it went down after seeing him again + monica's death (and that's also why he's maniac again :0) thankfully right after they're back together which makes my serotonin skyrocket! i mostly read fics that are a sort of fix it or with mickey coming back right after monica dying etc. i didn't know about these infos before so i thought it was kind of fanon that ian goes maniac because of that and that he never said ''i love you'' to anyone but mickey. i wanted to ask you what is your take on ian's feelings when mickey wasn't around? gotta say that it makes me feel way better knowing that despite their effort to remove mickey from the series they managed to make it was all about him/leading back to them together! i hope i didn't disturb you with this ask but im having feelings!!! eheh

hi there! totally valid to have ✨feelings✨ about this, especially when you first start diving into their history and relationship!! my own deep-dive under the cut:

I do believe Noel left bc of contract renegotiations, yes. and after that fans were not happy with (and were very vocal about) the show trying to 'replace' Mickey with other boyfriends for Ian and having Ian badmouth Mickey etc. anyway, if we're keeping this to in-universe explanations as to how Ian felt about Mickey during those seasons, my interpretation is this: at the start of s6, Ian was in a very, very bad place. we see that at some point he started taking his meds (despite his previous refusal to do so like during the breakup in 5x12) but he's very clearly going through depression at that stage. let's keep in mind that at the time he was dealing with accepting his diagnosis, something he struggled a lot with both bc of the comparisons with Monica and bc of how much he valued his independence, so acknowledging the need for outside help and someone to care for him when he's not feeling well is particularly hard for him. he also just came out of a long period of being unmedicated--I've seen people suggest symptoms first started manifesting at the end of s3, and might've influenced his decision to go off to the army with everything that that brought as a consequence and all the choices he made as a result of that.. his life had changed dramatically in that period (he dropped out of school, left his home and his siblings, worked in nightclubs as a minor and of course he went through all that traumatic stuff with Mickey from 3x06 onward) so at the beginning of s6 he makes the decision to basically just put all of that behind him. Ian has a tendency to compartmentalize, which means he took all the bad things that had happened to him up until his diagnosis (and everything that reminded him of that, ie Mickey) and tried to forget about them, so that he could move on in some way. of course at this point Mickey was in prison and expected to remain there for the next 8 to 15 years, so that was another thing Ian made the decision to put out of his mind, bc it all hurt too much to deal with. so he made a new life for himself. which I'm very proud of him for! I love his journey to become an emt <3 dating-wise, choices were made. not necessarily by Ian though, by which I mean he kinda fell into those relationships, going through the motions because of how uncertain he was feeling at that time, and ending up dating people that should've maybe definitely had been fuck buddies at most. anyway, let's not dwell on that ajkds and let's get back to Mickey. the whole 'out of sight out of mind' thing obviously crashes and burns for Ian once Mickey shows up again, right there in front of him. that rush of deep-buried feelings must have been overwhelming. and yeah, I do agree that Ian's manic state through s8 was probably a result of the double hit of Monica's death and losing Mickey again--for all Ian knew, for good this time. and he absolutely never said I love you to anyone but Mickey, bc he's never loved anyone but him. they were it for each other from the start!! thank god the show finally got with the program at some point lol and gave us the happy ending they truly deserved ❤️

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 4- Part 1)

Fic link written by @tavtarnish. Please go check it out. It is fantastic!

if anyone was invested in this at all, I sincerely apologize for not updating this for so long, I don't really have a reason other than I just got lazy. anyway- ONWARDS!!!

chapter 3 || Chapter 5

The opening of the chapter

The way it definitely implied that soap has undoubtedly been at it for a while. Long enough to settle into a routine. It also shows his frustration really well. The strength that he's hitting, and they way his mind still continues to wonder

Remembering hearing his mother call him angrily from the house

I feel like this is such a core memory for me. Also idk if anyone else had the experience where their parents kicked them out of the house during the summer and then got mad when they didn't make it back in time for dinner. Like I'm sorry?? All you said was go outside, and didn't give me a time to be back? Kinda got off topic here, the point was: core memory unlocked

Little john trying not to make the punishment worse by being gentle with the the door and stuff

I honestly have nothing to say at this point, it's just super relatable to me

Idk if ive said this before but his sisters' names

I just think they're lovely

They way he feels guilt even as a child for not being there to redirect or avoid completely his mother's anger

This makes me so sad :( bb it's not ur fault

The casset that he and his sister were fighting about just days earlier as an apology!!!!!

This is exactly how it is to have siblings, like you'll be at eachother's throats and then something happens and then it's like it never happened. Also never once has a verbal apology been as affective as an action

Also being able to feel the anger flowing off his mother... like that's when you know you're in some deep shit

The whole come home by the time the street lights come on

Is accurate. Relatable. Especially getting back late because fo the changing season...

The disappointment in his mother's voice

That one hurted just a lil bit bc disappointment is always just that much worse than anger isn't it??

And he understands her frustration

That just makes it all the worse, right? I mean he just wanted some more time to have fun with his friends, but that left his mother swamped with everything else. It's really a lose lose situation :/

Not bringing up his father "after the last time"

Knowing when to pick his battles. But also what happened last time?? I can only assume lots of yelling and crying and and just :(

The following quiet

And it's like nobody except you can feel the tension still in the air, and it's like the smallest thing could set everything off again

Im ignoring something for right now I will circle back to it in a moment. But lemme just say his father?

I'm not liking the vibes I get from him... there I said it. I don't like him

His mother brushing over his hair and the back of his head

Look I know I've been making it seem like I think mary is a bad mom, but she really isn't. She's just overworked and doing her best. And john understands that but he also needs to be able to be a kid. And mary needs help around the house bc there is too much to do and only one of her

Ok back to the thing I ignored. The way he wishes for her to just get angry

I think maybe it's bc when people are angry it's easy to deal with, either you argue back, stay quiet, or say/do whay they want you to right? But with the disappointment it's almost the same response just with no visable reason for it. It's harder to deal with because we as people are not taught how to fix it other than to "do better next time" but how does that fix what happened now?

I also want to pint out the bolded part

Bc like the yelling is so much easier to deal with than the calm voice. Maybe it's bc you can still feel the pent up tenson that might have normally been released with the yelling

Also he wonders if it makes him a bad son

And I think, maybe normally people don't wish for that, but it doesn't make him a bad son. Like I understand so completely how he feels, and it's so real that it's devastating. And it doesn't make him a bad son. And I know that because maybe for him it's just easier for him to deal with physical problems than it is for him to deal with whatever this is.

And then the last line of the flashback

God!! I just know he was beating himself up after that. I do. I just know. And it's the perfect segue back into the present moment.

Getting so lost hin his head that he forgets he's even really doing anything

I guess forget isn't really the right word. Like he knew enough to keep doing it, but kinda just tuned everything else out.

The way it all just bubbles up

The lights just too loud, the air hot and heavy with anger and frustration. And he's still aped up despite all the energy he spent. And he tried, he really does try to keep himself composed. But the irritation makes his bones buzz, and he just needs to do something, anything to get it out. And he's so worked up that he doesn't even realize he split his knuckles until he looked at them.

And then it keeps building

It's too much, all of it. The steaming anger, the loudness of the lights, the way his hair remains untamed despite his efforts

Focusing on his hair again, idc what anyone says, his hair is actually such an important part of him. So his hair getting in the way, in his face, even after he tries to rake it out of the way... maybe kinda like how he's having trouble with his emotional regulation? It's kinda like his emotions are clouding his rational thinking, which is a perfect lead to my next point.

Where it all finally boils over

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. But the useless buzzing is still in his bones and flowing through his veins. And he just has to do something or he might just brun from the inside out.

And then the immediate regret

"If it isn't the consequences of my own actions" for real though this is actually an important part. Because sometimes even if it's a personal issue you have to choose the lesser of two evils, even if you don't know you even have options. Also I think the is very much foreshadowing what will happen if he doesn't properly acknowledge the problem, and also shows what it is doing to him in a physical manifestation.

Also perhaps symbolism of not actually vomiting... because ya boy is emotional constipated

Ok im gonna end this here for now, because if this sits im my drafts any longer it'll never get posted. Also sorry if this isn't as indepth as the other parts, I'm doing all of this on my phone.

[lesbianspeedy]

If Connor and Mia were reintroduced in GA Rebirth and had gotten a soft-reboot in their origins, what would you have liked to see?

this is a great question but im not very smart so the answer may be bad but lets give it a go. also i barely rememebr rebirth.

im glad you said soft reboot, because i think honestly their origins, especially mia's, should stay relatively the same in this scenario.

so for Connor, this makes ollie a teen dad which is already an in joke i already have with a friend, we kept asking joshua williamson if ollie was now a teen dad when connor first reappeared and he never replied to us, so sad, loser. i think if they were to have kept the retconned origin in this scenario, where-in ollie DID know about connor, it could've worked well for a reason to him abandoning them, in place of the whole "i have a higher purpose with green arrow" bullshit.

HOWEVER. i am team fuck the retcon so. connor can still find out about ollie from finding moonday's scrapbook, but this now makes him born in the 90s which i think is very funny and should therefore lead to him reading as many online forums about ollie as he can at the local library. now in n52/rebirth iirc the ashram doesnt really exist? which is hard bc like obviously buddhism and the monastery is like central to connor's character. so i'd say he still goes to one, but probably wouldn't meet ollie there.

instead for them to meet i'd say he starts to volunteer at one of ollie's many projects? and they meet there a good few number of times when ollie goes to help out. then when ollie is once again presumed dead after the whole ninth circle shado broderick stuff he becomes GA to help people while not-actually-dead ollie and co are doing all the ninth circle stuff. then when they all return theres a whole plot around their actual relation etc etc.

for Mia. completely fuck the n52 shit idc about that boohoo die. honestly i'd keep everything from her pre52 origin the same which ik feels like a cop out for this question but. its so important to her character that changing any part of it feels like a disservice to the story yknow.

however obviously the whole youth centre doesnt exist in the same way as her original story, soooo. it's harder to adjust how mia comes to live with him when he doesnt have a place to give her a job yknow. i guess mia comes in at a later point in rebirth, when ollie has that house outside the city. maybeee heee idk gives her resources that he still trusts to take care of her but also gives her his number/address in case she needs a place to crash, and she ends up there more than not, so they make the whole if u wanna stay you go to school deal again. i cant see her becoming speedy before the end of the run in this scenario.

i hope this answers ur question. i think it does. its kinda a mess tho. i do think it would've been funny for emi to come back from the titans and be like what the fuck did i miss while i was gone. why do you have other kids now.

[diabolikpersonals]

Do u think shu felt bad, sad and happy when he got his memories back after the LE ,sad because he forced Yuma to basically kill ruki and hurt him, happy cause he got to spend some time with his old friend, in a twisted way.

(assuming u mean CL yuma's route)

I'm glad u asked, because I'm not sure I've put my feelings about this part of the route to words yet!!

To put it simply, I'm sure that the chief emotion Shu felt at getting his memories back in this route was guilt. This shouldn't come as a surprise; Shu already spends every game feeling guilty towards Yuma, and he did some awful stuff while he was brainwashed and lied to. However, the way he dealt with it afterwards is, to me, a strong indicator that Shu is getting better and better at dealing with that guilt.

In previous games, Shu's "my loved ones will get hurt and it will be my fault" anxiety have created conflict between him and Yuma. We can often see him lying to Yuma, keeping secrets from him, avoiding him, driving him away, etc...and that makes Yuma angry. What Yuma wants is to leave all that stuff behind; he doesn't want Shu to forever be guilty to Edgar, he wants him to be good friends with Yuma Mukami, signifying that Yuma has succeeded in moving on and creating a new identity for himself. So, post-character development, you'll see Yuma reacting to Shu and Reiji's guilt by going like "who cares!! I'm over it!! you should get over it too!!"

Shu really does have a lot to be guilty about in this route! Yuma was absolutely hurt because of him!! Not only was he stabbed a Bunch of times, but Yuma he also got his feelings hurt badly: Shu tried to get him to kill a family member (although I think we've basically given Shu a pass for this one bc there's no way he could've known that Ruki was Yuma's brother) and he chose to believe Kino over Yuma, which really pissed him off considering that they're SUPPOSED to be good friends!! >:/ So, while I was playing, I was like "oh god, shu's gonna feel soooo horrible about this later." And yeah, I imagine he did. Of course he did.

But the apology scene was such a shock to me!! It really showed me that Shu has a much better sense of what Yuma wants now. Instead of his usual way of atoning, which is like "wow I'm an untouchable danger to everyone I love, yuma you should totally just kill me, please kill me, you should never have to look at me again" or whatever.......Yuma told him very clearly, "Don't apologize, I don't blame you." and Shu was like, "Okay, I won't. We'll just go back to normal then." AND EVERYTHING WAS OK!!!!! GOD!!!!! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A THING

The scene really showed me that Shu and Yuma's usual relationship (outside of the CL Brainwashing Zone obv) has gotten a lot better. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that Shu has dealt with his guilt completely, but I really feel like he's taking steps in a healthier direction. Like Yuma's "the past is the past, no use dwelling on it" way of thinking is rubbing off on him a little, or maybe Shu is purposefully trying to think that way for Yuma's sake.

Everybody ended up all right in the end, and Yuma and Shu were able to end their part of the story with smiles. By DL standards, it's a huge success!!

[winderlylandchime]

He was on a roll today! He didn’t want to stop. Havent even started the ep and we are like 3 cigarettes in and 4 pills down. He had an audience of one (to his knowledge) to entertain and he delivered. But he was stressed. It started with him coming back inside and going ‘okay i think I’m ready.. i could be wrong tho’ honestly this is a mood ngl, ‘do you think Brian buys him alcohol..or does he have a fake id? Idk whats cuter. OH MY GOD HE IS DRUNK AND CARING ABOUT HIS EDUCATION! Why am i finding this cute?..my dream is for brian to tell justin he loves him. Seriously dude wtf has to happen for you to tell him’ I swear i deserve an award bc he says stuff that would usually get a reaction from me but i have to be normal about it and it is hard! ‘Oh god, how weird do you think had to be to film blow job scenes?..his hand still acts out! How is he gonna do in school? Oh Brian can’t get enough of him. SIR’ ‘..oh my god MIKE HAS THE SAME WAY OF DEALING WITH PROBLEMS THAT I DO..remember when i dyed it purple for that girl who said her favorite color is purple..and then she never talked to me again?*long pause* honestly i dont blame her that was a bit *waves his hands around* much.’ ‘..brian actually cares about Teds weird addiction enough to show up for an intervention? See! And he got him a job! There is potential here somewhere just let me uncover it!’ ‘Oh Justin is drawing again, dude it’s okay just take a deep breath, count to ten, shake your hand a little and do it again. That’s what my therapist told me to do…although i was 12 and it was bc i was scared to make friends…oh no his hand is gonna be a problem isn’t it?!’ He is now having a moment bc he feels bad for Mikey but he is conflicted with his feelings..’i need him to listen to Bri Bri and quit his job. Oh my god JUSTIN IS STILL HERE?! OH GOD THIS IS PAINFUL TO WATCH. So what if he lost control?! HE IS CLEARLY DISABLED TO SOME DEGREE! Would you kick a handicapped person out of school bc they can’t attend gym class?! Oh i hate this guy! How about you HELP him meet the requirements somehow?! You see he is talented and instead of HELPING him as a teacher, you are gonna spit on him bc he’s disabled?! OH FUCK THIS GUY! FUCK HIM ALL THE WAY TO HELL. I need a cigarette again. Pause this shit bc i am not okay’ he is currently outside pacing back and forth mumbling while smoking and i am learning so much about him bc of qaf, this is actually insane. ‘Okay turn it back on. I’ve calmed down now (cut to justin saying he is dropping out) I LIED I AM NOT CALMED DOWN WTF YOU DONT LET PEOPLE WIN WHEN THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT DISABILITIES!..oh i love all of their reactions! But Brian is about to have a stroke if Justin doesn’t stop’ ‘WAIT THAT WAS LIKE WHEN BRIAN DID IT IN THE PILOT! okay that was cute! The way Bri Bri stares at him and then he dried his face. Fucking adorable, i almost forget that im mad that he dropped out..(and we are at the computer scene) OH MY FUCKING FUCK CRISPY JESUS HE GOT HIM THAT COMPUTER! THAT IS NOT NORMAL FUCK BUDDY BEHAVIOR BRIAN! Oh this fucker cares so deeply for him and everyone else but doesn’t want anyone to know. CMON JUSTIN STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND TRY IT! Oh that’s messed up Justin, he isnt trying to fix you, UNLIKE THE TEACHER HE IS TRYING TO HELP YOU FIND WAYS TO DO YOU THING! Oh he looks like he just watched a puppy get hit (he now got sad at a fake scenario he just made up about the puppy)..OH HE DREW A PENIS NICE’ 1/2 of 2x05

Oh he drew a penis, nice. DEAD.

Anon you are so brave and strong for not telling him the things that you should not be telling him.

Your brother has gone straight (pun intended) queer theory to disability theory. He needs a full honorary degree. I love him.