#And I still have to plan a therapy for tomorrow afternoon

[caycanteven]

Hey hey, it’s. cay~! Wanted to give a quick update, especially for those waiting to hear from me with commission updates! Feel free to check it out under the cut below. Following this is a TLDR!

TLDR: I have suffered an art block and I needed to step away to handle my lifestyle and IRL priorities like a good lil’ adult! In doing so, commissions, content, and activity have been slow. Please know I have taken the time to take care of myself, and that has always been a priority! I’ve also have been reading again, and it has been an amazing escape and stress reliever with art being unavailable to me. I’m taking the steps to return at my own pace, and I’m very appreciative of you guys and my supporters who have been patient for me as well!!

Firstly, for my ever so patient clients…

I have not forgotten about you guys! For those who haven’t heard back from me in a hot second, please forgive my disappearance! I had to take an unexpected pause and am deeply sorry for the inconvenience! I should have been quick to be forward on such a delay but it was a difficult time and things got away from me—even Art. I found myself in a creative block and all I have been doing is work IRL.

I couldn’t find it in myself to produce a piece for even myself without the care it deserves, and you guys know how much I care to provide the best—and am super critical of it even then.

Due to the delay, I’ll offer optional benefits and/or discounts as an apology, to give back for the inconvenience my absence has caused! I’ve gotten back into the flow a bit more and feel like I can draw circle, so I’ll be reaching out tomorrow afternoon to follow up with you guys and start/finish the remainder of the queue!

For my blog dwellers…

I’m still very excited to continue sharing my work and my husbones here, no doubt! Even more so, I keep seeing all the beautiful art and the FAE universe has me by the metaphorical balls. God I love it, it’s amazing. Even more so because I have a piece I plan to show in due time based on it!!

I’ve also been looking forward to showing off a new skeleboy coming from the Dustfell Universe. I won’t show his design but I will say his name is Spruce. Feel free to give your thoughts on him or what you think he may be like, because I wanna see how close someone gets hehehe.

Either way I definitely plan to start posting again as soon as I am in the swing of it again, and just need to have that time to relax and recover from the art block. Reading has been amazing as a form of therapy to my brain and has been an escape from the crazy life I had to endure lately, as why I haven’t been around much either. Though I have done good for myself, I miss you guys greatly, and can’t wait to share what I’ve been trying to work on for so long teehee.

[ladykailitha]

Star Child Part 12

Yeah...it’s really looking like this story is coming to a close. And I hate it. I love this story, but my muse has me careening toward the finish line like a star falling to earth. Far, far too quickly. If my muse had any sense at all, it would drag out the plot with Creel and the label, but it doesn’t want to. It wants the boys to be happy ever after NOW not in five weeks (as was the original ending with Corroded Coffin’s final concert in LA and Steve confessing his feelings on stage).

Also there is a cliffhanger but I have written most of the next chapter so Monday you should get the resolution. And just remember, I promised a happy ending.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

*

Steve made a couple of calls himself. The first to Erica to make sure that being in litigation would prevent him from leaving the state. It didn’t, so his next call was to Jane. Between the two of them they crafted the perfect coming out plan. Complete with statements and interviews. His final phone call was to Robin.

“I’m giving you the heads up,” Steve said once she answered. “I’m going burn the label to the ground. Erica and Jane are all for it.”

“What made you decide to do it now?” she asked. “Instead of a week from now or even a month?”

“Because it’s better to be honest and open now,” he explained, pacing in his office, “then to have to do damage control. Let people know what I was forced into and how dangerous the music industry still is for the LGBTQ+ community. I’m tired of hiding, Robin.”

She sighed. “I know. I’m proud of you.”

“I almost came out at Love Loud...” he whispered into the phone.

There was silence on the line for a moment before Robin said, “Wow.”

He took a deep breath. “I got talked out of it by the record label. They told me to wait until after the last album was complete.”

“Something they thought was years off,” Robin said. “Those bastards!”

Steve hummed in agreement. “Pretty much.”

“You need me to come over?” she asked.

“No,” Steve murmured. “I’m going to fly out to Salt Lake City and do a couple of radio shows and be seen with Eddie.”

Robin huffed out a laugh. “And I can guess who’s idea that was.”

“Dustin is going to be insufferable,” he said with a sigh.

Robin cackled until Steve hung up the phone.

*

“In a released statement from Steve Harrington’s management and PR firm the pop star, formally of the boy band The Kings came out as bisexual. The statement went on to say that his parents and the label conspired to keep his attraction to men a secret, going as far as conversion therapy, threat of commitment to a mental institution, and even blackmail.

“Steve Harrington was seen at LAX this afternoon and our sources say that he went off to go into hiding until this all cools down. Further sources say that he is holed up in a hotel in Salt Lake City. Sources couldn’t confirm, however whether or not he was with Corroded Coffin who will be playing at the Vivint Arena tomorrow night to a sold out crowd.

We will keep you to date on all the latest news surrounding the sudden coming out of Steve Harrington...”

Eddie turned off the TV and turned to Steve. “That was quite the coming out story, sweetheart.”

Steve was with the band and their manager, Chrissy Cunningham in Eddie’s hotel suite.

“I just hope it gets the hounds of hell off my heels,” Steve murmured.

Chrissy pursed her lips. “I’m not sure I like this plan.”

Jeff nodded. “There are so many things that could go wrong, but if it goes right all of us will be able to sleep better at night, and you know it.”

Chrissy sighed. “I do like the guards outside the door, though. That’s a nice touch.”

Steve grinned. “Aren’t they fantastic?”

“We’re smuggling you out to LA,” Brian told her. “We don’t want you caught in the crossfire if this goes south.”

Chrissy’s eyes went wide.

“Which it won’t,” Eddie growled, glaring at Brian.

“You’ll be staying with my manager, Robin Buckley at my place,” Steve said. “Janice already has people there to protect you both if Creel decides he wants hostages.”

They all sobered up at that. Steve coming out was only a part of the puzzle and if all went well, they would have one creepy ass dude behind bars.

*

Steve had lunch with Eddie and they both made sure they had their location turned on so that they would be seen together.

“I think of all the parts of this plan I hate the most,” Steve said when he spotted the third paparazzo snapping their picture, “is that this is a setup. I wish it was something we were just out doing.”

Eddie’s heart ached even as the butterflies took off in his stomach.

“You telling me you want to go out with me, Stevie?”

Steve chewed his bottom lip and looked down shyly at his half eaten sandwich, “And if I did?”

Eddie cocked his head and smiled, “And were you just going ‘keep doing what you were doing and hope it was enough’, sweetheart?”

Steve blushed. “You caught me. It was about you all this time.”

Eddie lift Steve’s chin gently with a single finger. “I don’t do low key, babe. I’m very loud about who and what I like. I came up with the plan, because I wanted to be seen with you.”

Steve’s eyes went wide as Eddie pressed their lips together and he sighed into the kiss.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie murmured.

“For what?” Steve breathed out like a sigh.

Eddie kissed him again. “For not remembering our first kiss. For not running away with you when I had the chance.”

Steve brought his chair closer to Eddie’s to lean into the man’s shoulder. “I think I like it this way. Who knows what might have happened if we had, maybe we became a duo like the White Stripes or maybe would have struggled for years and never became anyone. But I do know that the Kings wouldn’t have been famous. Corroded Coffin wouldn’t have been a band. And I hate that thought.”

Eddie put his arms around Steve’s shoulder. “I love you so much. I think I always have. I just buried it deep. Twisted it until it was unrecognizable. But then you turned back up in my life and I wanted to write love songs about you in a week.”

Steve chuckled. “I’ve already written love songs about you.”

Eddie laughed. It wasn’t malicious or cruel, it was bright and clear. Like of course he did. “You record any of those sappy love songs about me?”

Steve pursed lips and looked up.

“Oh god,” Eddie said with a chuckle. “Can I guess which one? Unless there is more than one?”

Steve shook his head. “I think the label recognized it as being about a boy and carefully vetted each song before I could record it. It was then I realized I was never going to give them my best songs. Because all my best songs were always about you.”

Eddie blushed. “So it would have be off your first solo album...” Steve nodded. “Oh god...”

Steve laughed. “Yup.”

“Oh no,” Eddie moaned. “God that is super cheesy, darlin’.”

“Oh yeah,” Steve said.

“‘Drowning in Your Brown Eyes’, really?”

“In my defense I was eighteen when I wrote it, and just swapped out the pronouns when I went into the recording studio. But yeah, it’s about you, sunshine.”

“Are you going to tell people it’s about a boy?” Eddie asked, pressing his lips to the top of Steve’s head. “That it’s about me?”

Steve lifted his head. “Do you want me to? I mean it is pretty cheesy pop clap trap. I would rather write songs about you and then release it with the knowledge that it’s about you. With everyone knowing it’s about you.”

Eddie’s expression turned fond. “Okay, babe. We could write a duet. Like the Love Loud concert, only our song.”

“I did promise that I would let you write a song on my first non-pop album. I would be happy to have you, love.”

Eddie couldn’t resist pressing his lips to Steve’s. In that moment, everything faded away. The world in which cruel labels, psychopathic mob figures, and disappointing parents just vanished in the midst of their love.

*

They stumbled gleefully into Eddie’s hotel room, kissing and laughing at how happy they were now that they realized how much they love each other.

Someone cleared their throat and they froze. They turned slowly to see Henry Creel sitting in an arm chair. He was devastatingly beautiful as he always was. He wore a white suit with matching loafers and the jacket draped over his shoulders like a cape. The light blue button shirt was the exact color of his eyes. His blond hair flopped lazily over one eye.

Behind him were Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum.

“So you do only have two minions,” Eddie huffed. “Mike was right, you are stupid.”

Creel’s face twisted into a snarl. “I didn’t get to where I am by being dumb, Eddie.”

Eddie raised a questioning eyebrow.

“This room has been swept for electronic devices,” Creel continued. “So if you think that your precious federal officers are going to be coming to your rescue, do think again, won’t you?”

Steve looked him up and down. “Christ.”

Creel smirked. “Close enough. I get everything I want. And I want Eddie Munson.”

Steve scratched his cheek and cocked his head. “I don’t know if you realize this, but Eddie is a person, not a thing, not a possession. You can’t have him.”

Eddie took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I told you when we first met, I don’t heel. I’m not a lap dog. You can’t bring me to my knees.”

Creel stood up and he was eye to eye with Eddie. “I can and I will.”

Eddie huffed out a laugh. “My bandmates already know not to trust anything that didn’t come directly from my mouth, thanks to that little stunt in Austin.”

Creel’s answering smile was cruel. “You forget one small detail, Eddie dear.”

“What’s that?”

“You would do anything to not see him harmed,” Creel said with a smug grin.

“You’re threatening to what?” Steve asked, with an eye roll. “To kill me? Hurt me? Throw me back to the wolves who are my parents? Let the record label win, so I’m controlled forever? What could you do to me that I haven’t done or tried to do to myself?”

Eddie heart shattered. “Sweetheart...”

Steve lifted his chin. “I went through hell, Creel. You are just another demon barking at my heels.”

“Castor, Pollock, take Stevie here to the other room and kill him,” Creel said over his shoulder. “Make it look like suicide, won’t you?”

Steve closed his eyes as they grabbed him roughly. Eddie moved to stop them, but he felt sharp pain in his side. He looked down to see Creel was holding a switchblade to him.

“Please don’t move,” Creel said sweetly. “I would hate to get blood on this suit.”

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Steve murmured. “He hasn’t won.”

Eddie jaw began to quiver.

Steve stopped just before the door and turned around to face him. “Make him pay.”

Eddie nodded.

The door closed and a few moments later...

BANG!

***

Part 13 Part 14 Part 15  Part 16

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[the---hermit]

27|02|2023

Yesterday I spent most of my day reading and it was great. Today didn't start as planned tho. It has snowed from yesterday afternoon to today's late morning, and I was so afraid the bus would cause problems (because they do when the weather is fine, so snow for them is a big deal) I skipped class. I decided to avoid commuting for a two hour lecture and the risk of being stuck in the city. I still woke up at 4:45, because of course it was a last minute decision, so I didn't even get the real benefits of skipping class. I did get some studying done of course. As for how I am feeling, it's definitely slowly going better, I am still not at my best, but I want to be grateful of all small emprovements. At the end of the week I will have my monthly therapy session, and I am very much looking forward to that. On a completly different topic I have almost filled it the journal I am currently using for daily entries, which is making me really excited, because it means I will get to buy new notebook! I am doing my best to stay excited for small things, so here it is a small thing that I look forward to. I might go on the hunt for it tomorrow, I don't know yet, and I don't know yet what type of notebook I am looking for, I think I'll just get the one that calls to me the most.

Productivity:

Posted this updated of the 2023 genre bingo

Did a bit of planning of uni materials I have to study for the classes I am taking at the moment (I just wrote everything down on my bullet journal so I can see everything all at once and break it into smaller steps, this way I have an overview of what I have to do and what I have done already)

Started reading and annotating the second set of protohistory notes provided by the professor (for some reason I am working very slowly on them, I don't know if it's me still being quite tired or just the process of working on those specific notes)

Started reading and annotating the first book I have to study for my history of libraries and reading class

Practiced Irish on duolingo

Continued reading Harrow The Ninth (my brain is melted by this book, I am stuggling to put it down when I read it because I need to know more)

Self care:

Read in the morning

Drank lots of water, and probably even more tea

Journaled

Face scrub

📖: Harrow The Ninth by Tamsyn Muir, How We Read Now by Naomi S. Baron

[foundtherightwords]

Headlights on Dark Roads - Chapter 1

Pairing: Eddie x Chrissy (No Vecna/No Upside Down AU)

Summary: Eddie and Chrissy are in a relationship, having reconnected after they both moved back to Hawkins. However, Laura's disapproval still looms over them, and when Eddie has an opportunity to reunite and revive Corroded Coffin, Chrissy has to make a difficult choice between going with him to LA and staying in Hawkins to take care of her ailing mother.

A/N: So this is a soft continuation of my one-shot "Same Streets, New Memories". I tried to make it possible to read this as a standalone, but it would probably help with understanding some of the context if you read "SSNM" first. Also, be warned: this doesn't have a happy ending. I'm so sorry :((

Warnings: angst (oh so much angst), abuse (Laura Cunningham is her own warning), implied/mentions of ED, implied/mentions of homophobia, some smut (non-explicit)

Chapter word count: 4.7k

Chapter 1

"Eddie, wake up," Chrissy whispered, her lips brushing Eddie's ear as she leaned closer to him. In response, Eddie groaned and buried his head deeper into the pillow. Chrissy smiled. Eddie always reverted to being a kid when it came to waking up. "I brought breakfast," she said. "Or lunch." She still wasn't quite sure what to call it. It was usually Eddie's first meal of the day after he got off his shift at the Hideout, which made it breakfast, but it was also eaten around one or two in the afternoon, which made it lunch.

"I don't want breakfast. Or lunch," Eddie grumbled. He grabbed her waist and pulled her down on the bed, before rolling on top and planning a sleepy kiss on her lips. "I want this."

"Come on, let's get up and eat. I have practice this afternoon."

"Call in sick." The kiss was getting decidedly less sleepy now.

Chrissy laughed in mock outrage. "I can't, I'm the coach!"

"All right then, Coach Cunningham." Eddie lifted his head, his eyes twinkling. "What time's practice?"

"3:15."

He glanced at the alarm clock by the bedside table and grinned, the playful Munson grin that never failed to melt Chrissy's heart. "Plenty of time," he said, and kissed her again. This time, she kissed him back, luxuriating in the feel of his mouth against hers, of her hands in his hair.

When they finally sat down to the burrito wraps that had gone cold, Eddie said, "I have the day off. Do you want to grab dinner later and come back here to watch Fellowship?"

"Again?" Chrissy had enjoyed the movie when Eddie first showed it to her, though she didn't find the prospect of sitting on her butt for nearly three hours that appealing. From then on, whenever Eddie wanted to rewatch it, which was constantly, her stipulation was that they added at least one bathroom break.

"I'm going to watch it once a week until Two Towers comes out."

Chrissy shook her head affectionately. "I do believe you're going to break that tape."

"No, it's the extended version! Come on, I won't even be mad if you fall asleep—again."

It was hard to escape his enthusiasm.

"OK, but I can't stay. I have to drive my mom to physical therapy tomorrow," she said. Ever since Eddie moved into this apartment, she'd only stayed overnight a handful of times, always arriving after putting her mother to bed and coming back before she woke. After her stroke, Laura could still move about with the use of a walker and a wheelchair, but she would know if Chrissy wasn't there and would complain about being left on her own.

Eddie's face fell, but quickly brightened up again. "Guess who I ran into at Guitar Center the other day?"

When Eddie took that second job teaching guitar at the music store in Bloomington, he'd joked "Those that can't do, teach." He was so cheerful these days that he often made jokes like that, and Chrissy's heart swelled again when she remembered how he had been when they first ran into each other—so beaten-down and bitter, compared to how he was now.

"Who?" she asked, nibbling on a tortilla chip.

"Gareth, looking for a hi-hat! He said I've inspired him to get back into drumming. Can't imagine why, after all the horrible stories I told him about our gigs back West." Eddie was being flippant, but Chrissy could see from his sparkling eyes that he was happy for his friend.

"I bet his wife loves that," she said with a grin.

"She does, that's the thing! Their kid loves it too! So every weekend, Gareth would just take the kid into the garage and bang away on the drums while Nicole has time to herself. Win-win."

"That's great."

"I was telling him, if we can get Jeff and Grant to come home for Christmas, maybe we'll have a Corroded Coffin reunion show at the Hideout."

"Oh, could you?" Chrissy squealed. "That means I'll finally be able to see you guys live!"

"And that'll be incentive enough for me," Eddie said, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand.

He finished his wrap and pushed the other one toward her. Chrissy's stomach flipped on reflex, the old queasiness whenever someone asked her to eat rearing its head again.

"Oh, I'm already full from the chips and salsa," she said automatically.

A crease of worry appeared between Eddie's eyes, but it only lasted for an instant. "I can't possibly eat all of that though," he said, pulling the burrito back. "Half?"

"...OK."

Chrissy took her half of the wrap. Eddie scarfed his half down, confirming her guess that he'd lied about not being able to eat the whole thing. But this was the one lie from him that she would always forgive. She and Eddie had never discussed her problem with eating, though she suspected he had already guessed from the way she pushed her food around the plate whenever they dined out together, from the way she was always bringing food to his place but never seemed to want to eat any of it herself. He never pressed her about it, but would always say he wanted to try this or that dish and ask her to share with him. She knew it was his subtle way of getting her to eat a little bit more, and was grateful for it. For him.

Once done, Eddie cleaned up the wrappers from the kitchen table, went to the couch, and picked up his guitar.

"Is that a new song?" Chrissy asked between bites, as he strummed through the first few chords.

"Not really. I started it a while ago. The day we ran into each other in the woods, remember?"

How could she forget?

"I can't figure it part out." He played some more, humming along, and shook his head irritably.

"I think it sounds great."

"You think all of my songs sound great," Eddie said, but he looked pleased.

Chrissy finished her burrito and got up to wash her hands. "By the way, what are you and Wayne doing for Thanksgiving?" Eddie's comment about Christmas had reminded her.

"I'm not sure," he replied, jotting down some notes. "Usually one of his buddies from the plant would invite us to their house, or we'll just have a symbolic turkey sandwich."

"Turkey sandwich?!" Chrissy exclaimed. "That's a crime!"

Eddie laughed. "It doesn't make sense to have a big feast with just the two of us," he said, and proceeded to tell her about the year when, determined to give Eddie a proper Thanksgiving, Wayne had bought a turkey, attempted to deep-fry it, and almost burned their trailer down.

After Chrissy had wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes and gotten her breath back, she said, "Would you two like to come to dinner with me and my mom then?"

She tried to say it lightly, but apparently, she'd failed, because Eddie stopped strumming the guitar and looked up at her. "Are we at the meet-the-parent stage already?" His eyes were laughing, but there was a breathless quality to his voice that matched how she was feeling.

They had been together for nearly eight months, eight wonderful, glorious months, since that day they ran into each other in the woods behind Hawkins High, of all places. If Chrissy had been superstitious, she would've said it felt like fate.

She hadn't even meant to ask Eddie out. She'd invited him to a basketball game only to catch up but hadn't expected him to actually show. But he had, and when she saw him lingering at the gym's entrance, looking out of place amongst the suburban parents with his long hair and leather jacket, a bubble of warmth had burst in her chest. After the game, they'd gone to the Hideout, where they'd just talked and talked and talked, about everything and nothing, and when she dropped him off at his trailer later that night, she'd leaned over to finish the kiss she'd started way back in '86, and that had cinched it.

Even now, eight months later, that warm bubble still expanded through her whenever she looked at him. Sometimes, she would be kicking herself for running from him all those years ago. But then again, Chrissy was a firm believer in timing. If they had gotten together back then, back when they were too young and fragile to handle this, it would've ended in disaster, or worse, they would have drifted apart and become strangers, just another face in the crowd.

Still, it would have been nice if they could have met a little sooner.

"I've met Wayne," she reminded Eddie.

"Yeah, but—that's different. He's known about us from the beginning." The easy way he said us set her heart fluttering. "Your mom, on the other hand—"

He was right to worry. Chrissy knew her mom suspected she was seeing someone, and she was thankful that since the stroke, Laura hadn't gone out much and therefore was no longer familiar with the rumor mill of Hawkins, or else she would have found out the truth and thrown a fit. The only boyfriend of Chrissy's that Laura had ever approved of was Jason, and she still nagged Chrissy about breaking up with him, although it had been nearly seventeen years and Jason was now happily married.

"Look, if your mom doesn't want me and Wayne there, you don't have to invite us."

"She just has to accept that I'm a grown-up now and can be with whoever I want," Chrissy said, sounding more confident than she felt. "She's lucky I'm bringing you home at all."

"Wow, I'm honored." Eddie was still teasing, but his eyes were soft.

"I'm serious. I've never—"

She trailed off. What she'd wanted to say was, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Or anyone. But she was afraid of coming on too strongly.

She hadn't been sure of any of her exes. Jason... they'd gone out because she'd felt it was expected of her, the head cheerleader and the captain of the basketball team. God, could I be any more superficial? Her exes in college and after were the same, people she dated because she thought she was supposed to be dating, or because she wanted to defy her mother. She hadn't even been sure of her ex-husband. She'd married him only to get away from Hawkins, away from her mother.

But Eddie, Eddie was different. Even back in high school, when she had been on the verge of shattering under a thousand different pressures—pressure from her mom, from Jason, from school, from college, from her friends, pressure to be perfect, to maintain the façade of the Queen of Hawkins High—within five minutes, Eddie had managed to put her back together without even knowing what was bothering her. He'd only seen that she was bothered and had done everything he could to cheer her up.

Yes, even back then, Chrissy had known she would be safe with Eddie, and she knew it even more strongly now. She could see his affection in everything he did, from little things like sharing his food or calling her in the morning even though he just got off work and should be in bed (though, to be fair, she'd had to pester him to get a cell phone), to big things like moving into this apartment.

When he first got the apartment, Eddie had insisted that he didn't want to mooch off Wayne any longer ("Plus, have you seen his cooking? I got a heart murmur just looking at it!"), and that they needed a place for themselves. It was true that, after a month or so into their relationship—Chrissy had never considered that they were simply "dating"; from the first moment, it had felt like a serious relationship—things had gotten rather awkward after several heavy make-out sessions in her car, when both had bumped their heads on the ceiling and against the window.

"We can't go back to my trailer, Wayne's home," Eddie had said, burying his face in her bare shoulder.

"And my mom's home too."

They had giggled together then, feeling ridiculous that they were forced to sneak around like two teenagers. Despite the illicit thrill of it all, it had become apparent that they needed some privacy. So Eddie had found a cheap studio apartment in town. Chrissy had helped him move in and bought all the little things to make it homey, like the throw blanket on the couch to the little potted plants on the window sills that Eddie had promised to keep alive but was likely to forget, so she made sure to water them whenever she stopped by. And one day, when she'd come to him sobbing from a particularly bad fight with her mother, he'd given her the spare key. Just like with everything, Eddie saw what she needed without having to ask.

Now he was looking at her with those knowing, loving eyes, and Chrissy realized she didn't have to say anything at all.

"We can always have Thanksgiving here, or at the trailer," he said. "Just the three of us."

"I can't leave my mom alone on Thanksgiving!" Chrissy protested. "Look, if you don't want to come—"

Eddie watched her fidget with her fingers, and an impish smile peeped out at the corner of his lips. "OK, we'll be there," he said, "if your mom promises not to call a priest to have the house blessed."

"Only if Wayne promises not to organize an exorcism for her," she shot back with a smile of her own. He laughed and pulled her into his lap.

"I meant it about having Thanksgiving with me and Wayne though," he said, more gently. "If you feel like getting out of the house."

"I know." Chrissy leaned in to meet his lips, her worries vanishing in the warmth of his kiss.

***

Only with Eddie's assurance like a talisman in her heart that Chrissy felt she had the strength to breach the subject of Thanksgiving to her mother.

"I'm inviting some people over for Thanksgiving, is that OK?" she asked the next day, while they were on their way to the physical therapy center.

"Who?" Laura asked suspiciously. "Not Ryan and that—that—"

"Nate, mom, his name's Nate," Chrissy said.

"I don't want to hear his name!" Laura screeched.

Ten years ago, her younger brother, Ryan, had come out to their parents before he'd left for college. They'd cut him off immediately. Ryan had confided in Chrissy before that, but as she was in Chicago at the time, struggling to find a job after dropping out of nursing school, she couldn't do much to help. She'd only learned of the falling-out much later, when Ryan called to let her know he'd moved to Toronto with his boyfriend, Nate. Ryan hadn't even come home for their father's funeral. She still kept in touch with him with the occasional emails and phone calls, but to Laura, he might as well be dead.

"No, it's not Ryan," Chrissy continued, ignoring Laura's hysterics. "This is—someone from high school."

"Not Jason?!" Laura immediately forgot her erstwhile prodigal son and looked so excited that Chrissy felt the usual hot burst of annoyance in her belly. Always Jason.

"No. His name's Eddie." Chrissy prayed that her mom didn't notice she had deliberately left out the last name. She quickly added, "I don't think you know him. We didn't exactly move in the same circles back in high school. He's been living in California, but he just moved home to—to take care of his uncle. It's just the two of them." This was what she and Eddie had agreed to tell her mother, and Eddie would make sure Wayne followed the same script. It sounded better than saying he moved home because his band failed.

Laura narrowed her eyes at Chrissy. "If you weren't friends in school, why would you invite him?"

"Oh, I ran into him in town and just felt sorry for them, I guess," Chrissy said in what she hoped was an offhanded way. "If you'd rather not have guests—"

"Invite who you want, I don't care." Laura turned to the window with a look that said she did care, a lot, and was hoping Chrissy would feel bad and back down. But Chrissy knew her mother too well to fall for her passive-aggressiveness. She took Laura's statement at face value. 

***

As she put the finishing touch to the Thanksgiving dinner, Chrissy wondered if this was a mistake.

She wasn't worried about Eddie and Wayne. They would be able to take whatever Laura threw at them, she was sure. The only thing was... sometimes she felt like keeping Eddie as her own little secret, her safe place, her sanctuary away from her mother's constant demands and criticism. Introducing him to Laura would threaten that. But she couldn't keep sneaking around forever. She couldn't do what Ryan did and simply turn her back on their mother the moment she showed her disapproval. Chrissy wanted her mother to accept Eddie, or at least accept the fact that she was seeing him.

It started well enough. Eddie and Wayne came right on time, bringing a pumpkin pie, a bottle of wine, and some cider. Chrissy almost laughed when she saw the effort Eddie had made with his appearance—he was clean-shaven, he had left off his rings and wore a long-sleeve shirt to cover up his tattoos, and he had even tied his hair back, making him look like one of those hipsters, whose pretentious looks had started to spread even to Hawkins. Laura pressed her lips together and eyed him up and down but said nothing. Wayne's eyes twinkled as he looked over the house—so big and yet so cold and impersonal, compared to the cozy little trailer he and Eddie had shared—but he was perfectly polite and amiable. It was true that he slipped up and introduced himself with his last name when he shook Laura's hand, but thankfully, she didn't seem to register the last name "Munson". He even had the genius idea of inquiring Laura after her health, which was her absolute favorite subject, and kept her engaged until it was time to eat.

Things started getting a little tense when they sat down at the table and Chrissy carved the turkey. "Stick to the white meat, Chrissy, it's better for you," Laura said, watching Chrissy load up her own plate. "And that's too much stuffing."

Her cheeks burning, Chrissy spooned some of the stuffing back. She saw something flash across Eddie's face—annoyance, anger, or perhaps sympathy—but it was gone in an instant, and he squeezed her hand under the table as she sat down. She squeezed back with a grateful smile.

"Well, this all looks amazing," Wayne said, rubbing his hands together. "My compliments to the cook." Chrissy gave him a grateful smile as well.

Wayne more or less singlehandedly kept conversation around the table going, asking Laura about her physical therapy, talking about his own back problem, drawing Chrissy and Eddie into the discussion whenever the uncomfortable silence threatened to descend again. Laura, however, seemed preoccupied. She kept looking from Wayne to Eddie as if trying to place them. It had been over twenty years since Eddie's dad, Al, left Hawkins, but the name Munson still had a certain ominous ring to it. Chrissy could only pray that Laura wouldn't remember.

Then, when Chrissy brought out the pie, Laura stopped pretending to be polite and began the interrogation.

"What did you do in Los Angles?" Laura asked.

"I'm a musician," replied Eddie. They had agreed not to mention his job at the Hideout, only saying he was teaching music in Bloomington. Laura gave one of her eloquent sniffs to show mild disapproval, but made no further remark.

"Where do you live?"

Chrissy remembered, with a start, that they'd forgotten to discuss this beforehand.

"On Mulberry," she chimed in before either Wayne could answer, using Eddie's current address. "In one of those new buildings they just put up by Melvald's, you know?"

But Laura wasn't listening. Her eyes widened, then narrowed again, and Chrissy recognized, with dismay, all the signs of her mother's temper rising.

"Munson! You're related to that criminal Al Munson, aren't you?" Laura said, all but pointing an accusing finger at Wayne and Eddie.

Chrissy felt her knees go weak. Under the table, Eddie's fingers crushed her hand. Only Wayne remained calm.

"Yep, my no-good brother," he said with a shrug. "Have to say, leaving Hawkins was the best thing he ever did. Otherwise, Eddie might not have turned out so well. Is that right, Ed?" He laughed and gave Eddie a hearty slap on the shoulder.

Chrissy glanced at her mother. Her face was thunderous, but Chrissy knew Laura's vanity would prevent her from kicking invited guests out of the house, even if those guests were related to criminals.

"Excuse me, I have a headache," Laura said, making a show of closing her eyes and rubbing her temples. "Chrissy, could you help me get to bed, please?" Ever since her stroke, Laura had moved from the big master bedroom to the guestroom on the ground floor so she didn't have to climb the stairs, but she still insisted on Chrissy's assistance.

Chrissy allowed herself to breathe out. She knew that once Wayne and Eddie left, Laura's wrath would come down on her full-force, but at least her mother didn't make a scene. "Sure, mom."

Upon returning to the dining room, Chrissy found Wayne and Eddie had already started to clear up the table for her. She tried to take the plates out of Eddie's hands, but he persisted.

"Let me help," he said. Then, dropping his voice, he asked, "Do you want me to stay?" Even safely hidden her room, Laura's anger still radiated all through the house like a thundercloud.

"No, I'll be fine. Take Wayne home. I'm sorry. I knew this was a bad idea—"

Eddie shook his head. "It's not your fault."

"I'll call you later, OK?"

She gave him a quick kiss and went to thank Wayne for coming. "No, thank you for inviting us," he said, shaking her hand warmly. "You'll be alright." It wasn't a question, and as Chrissy took the old man's callused palm in hers, she wished she could believe the same.

Chrissy could have sworn her mother was listening behind the door, because the moment Wayne and Eddie left, Laura appeared in the foyer, looking just like she had the day Chrissy broke her ankle during cheer practice, or the day Chrissy came home after dropping out of nursing school, or the day Chrissy told her she'd filed for divorce. It didn't matter that Chrissy was in pain, scared, and lost, it was her fault. Her fault for not sticking to her diet and gaining weight. Her fault for not working hard enough and staying in school. Her fault for not working hard enough at her marriage. Always her fault.

"How could you—" Laura began.

Chrissy held up a hand. "Mom, I don't want to talk right now, OK? Go back to bed." She walked toward the kitchen.

"Don't mollycoddle me!" Laura screamed. "I am your mother!"

Though she knew she would regret it, Chrissy turned around to face her. "You told me I could invite whoever I want—"

"Yes, within reason! Not those thieves and drug dealers—"

"They're not thieves—"

"Are you sure? Count the silver again."

"Shut up!"

Laura's slap cracked like a whip in the foyer. Chrissy reeled back, clutching at her cheek, more from shock rather than pain.

"Just because you're a grown woman, doesn't mean you're allowed to speak to me like that, you little—" Laura snarled, but Chrissy didn't stop to hear the rest. Grabbing her phone and her keys from the side table, she ran out, slamming the door behind her.

***

Later, when she was curled up safely on Eddie's couch, in Eddie's arms, Chrissy's tears finally dried.

"You can't go on living with her," Eddie said.

"She needs my help."

"She hurts you!"

"It was my mistake, I shouldn't have—"

"Don't say that." Eddie sat up to look at her. "I told you, none of this is your fault."

Chrissy put her head on his shoulder, resolutely putting all thoughts of her mother out of her mind. "Can we not talk about this anymore? I just want to stay the rest of the night with you like this, not saying anything, not doing anything."

Eddie wrapped his arms around her again, and she felt his lips on her hair. "Move in with me," he said.

Now it was Chrissy's turn to sit up. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes," he replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I've been meaning to ask. You'll still be close enough to take care of your mom, if you want, without having to put up with her—bullshit."

The familiar warm feeling bubbled up in her chest again. She caught his hand, which was still stroking her hair, pressed the open palm to her mouth and kissed it. Then she leaned forward to kiss his mouth as well. "I'd love to," she said, smiling against his lips. Eddie smiled back and was pulling her closer to return the kiss, when his phone rang shrilly.

"Shit," he mumbled. "I know I shouldn't have bought the fucking thing."

But a phone call this late on Thanksgiving could mean something important, so Chrissy reluctantly let him go and pressed the phone into his hand. He glanced at the number and flipped the phone open.

"Hey Jeff, what's up man? No, no, it's OK... yeah, happy Thanksgiving. How are things in LA?" On the other end of the line, Jeff said something. Eddie's eyes widened, and he slowly sat up, leaning forward. "You serious? ...When? Before Christmas? Shit... No, I can make it. Of course I'll make it! What about Grant? Great. Yeah, yeah, I'll let you know ASAP." Another pause, then Eddie said, more quietly, "Jeff, this is awesome. Thank you. Talk to you soon, OK?"

He hung up but remained seated in the same position, looking straight ahead, his eyes dazed.

"Eddie?" Chrissy said, putting a hand on his arm.

At her touch, Eddie seemed to come back to his senses. He turned to her. "Jeff just ran into an A&R rep from Metal Blade," he said. "They want to meet with us in LA. As soon as possible."

The name of the record label meant little to Chrissy, but she knew how big this was for Eddie, for Corroded Coffin. After getting dropped by their label a year ago, this was all they had been hoping for. She tightened her hold on his arm, and he put his own hand on top of hers, grasping it as if to anchor himself.

"I'm a little scared, to be honest," he said with an embarrassed smile. "What if it doesn't amount to anything?"

"It's not going to amount to anything if you don't go," Chrissy said. "You'll be great. I know it."

"Grant's on board. We're only a drummer short—"

"Why don't you ask Gareth?"

Eddie stared at her. "I don't know about that—he's got a job—family—"

"Just ask him. The worst he can do is say no."

Eddie's eyes got brighter and brighter with excitement as he contemplated the idea. "Yeah, why not? Shit!" He laughed and pulled Chrissy in for a tight embrace. "You may be getting that reunion show earlier than expected, sweetheart. Corroded Coffin's getting back together, with the original lineup!"

Chapter 2

[indigo-a-creeping]

Okay, I emailed the flight assistance people again, because I thought maybe they lost the one I sent over the weekend (which got an automatic out-of-office response). They said their flight partners have been out of the office, but assured me they'll get me set up.

That's a huge relief. Cutting it a little close, but they seem confident.

And Peri will be taken care of one way or another. With my new sewing desk in the living room, I can put cat dishes up there and on the dining room table so he can't reach them but both cats can still eat separately. Worst-case scenario (pretty likely honestly) they'll knock their food on the floor and he'll eat it... but it won't kill him and he'll be happy until he gets a tummy ache.

This morning I had my last physical therapy appointment for my foot. They did dry needling on me, which probably helped. Then they had me do things in socks after that, so of course I slipped off the balance bubble platform. I fell sitting on it, a very light landing, and nothing was wrong at all, but I do understand why they were all concerned. Anyway, my foot is not perfect but it's gotten much better than it was and I'll keep up some exercises on it.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the beach in the morning to walk into the ocean and do a little ritual pre-surgery. I was thinking of just taking a bra and throwing it in the trash can there (so as to avoid littering, but still casting this bit of my old life almost in the sea). I could do the same thing at the Pacific next week. My pre-op appointment is in the afternoon next Wednesday, and I'm planning to take the bus to the coast in the morning, walk into the ocean, maybe check out the bison on the way back, etc. ...Then hit up the nearest TJ's and stock up on easy meals, snacks, drinks, wipes, and dry shampoo. I bought a few Florida bags to give to the people there; crew members in other locations have always been thrilled at that.

Also I'm going to cut my hair. Probably today.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 9

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0

I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)

Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.

Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.

Edited like 4 costume photos.

Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..

Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..

ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol

Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.

Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3

Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..

I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)

[taromilksnake]

11:11pm 3 day weekend

the weekend somehow went faster than a normal one (friday meet up with lito, sat morning breakfast with sherry and sydney, sat into sun dinner and sleepover, sun morning farmers market, afternoon planning to present time)

the anticipation then disappointment of hanging out with anthony, and the anxiety surrounding that (i think it’s mostly just feeling like i’m not having “enough fun” because of pressures of lesson planning)

phone touch screen not being the same

the apartment feeling too barren, too small and claustrophobic

meowu being back and devoting some brain space for that

feeling like there’s no one to talk to, both in sharing joys (b/c sherry and julia are both going thru it), and stressors (re: sherry and julia, distrust/dislike of gavriela, new people, still hesitant w/ anthony)

spending too much time together and getting anxious/burnt out? the cuddling throughout the night was nice, but the sex i think was too stressful/too much work

should i lesson prep tomorrow or not? will anthony want to/be free to spend time with me tomorrow? will i want to do that?

will i have the energy/will to clean my apt tomorrow? will that help? what alternatives are free to me (beach w/ julia, cafe/boba w/ new neighbor, hang with lito and teresa, probably not climb)? will i have the energy and social battery for that?

the fruits bought at the farmers market is a big source of joy and a small comfort. i feel bad not getting anthony flowers. feeling awkward and indecisive in general, feeling like i’m not reciprocating his gestures of affection

i just gotta remember that it’s normal to feel however i feel (even the negative feelings), and that things will be ok. i think i over exerted myself socially this weekend, but there’s also the panic of not wanting to be by myself in my home. no peace for art, which is telling. i guess i didn’t have the chance to properly process my work stress. i need therapy and i need to move out :(

…but most of all i need to relax, have fun, and go to sleep rn 😴 everything else can wait

[beautiful-enigma]

Coffee & cat cuddles while listening & glancing at spooky shows & browsing tumblr is what my afternoon least for the next hour may consist of. Might game. Idk

Walked for about 45 mins yesterday in the park but i overdid it cause of the heat and my mobility. Ended up seizing and scaring the ppl i was with. Scraped my knees kinda good but overall today is going to be chill. Therapy was earlier this morning and it was a bit rough but eh.. ya know how therapy may go in general.

Have pt tomorrow and friday so i may not do a lot of walking plus i have to go to the grocery tomorrow morning before pt & I'm not looking forward to it. Debating on walking or using my wheelchair. It sucks in a way being disabled and having an 3d cause i have to eat to take my meds twice a day but i literally drink 1-3 cups of coffee a day or a cup of a coffee and a cup of green tea & of course will have 1-2 bottes of flavored water(the taste of plain water is just ick lol i will drink it plain if I'm super thirsty) i try not to overwater myself. I usually do not have a plan in mind when it comes to my drink of choice on the daily. I ate a lot yesterday but i think i may twice a week go over my limit but it still be healthy-ish then be low the other 5 days.

A nap is starting to sound really good. The day or more after seizing i am so exhausted and sore.

[vizthedatum]

Not infected, “just” a IC flare while having PMDD (and maybe, hopefully a period?? Saw blood this morning but could have been from my bladder and couldn’t tell.).

Had my bladder appointment and instillation.

Very dizzy.

Blood pressure is higher than usual.

Crying a lot.

Made it back home.

A friend hugged me (a pit stop I made on my way back).

Have plenty of experience driving super dizzy so nbd plus this is the safest car I’ve ever owned. It’s a great car.

And I am going to get ready for a meeting this afternoon.

—

I’m going to overdraft this month again, and I’m trying to stay under budget - most of my expenses are going towards my bills and paying off loans/debt/medical stuff tbh. I’m literally paycheck to paycheck now.

I had a lot of help for my birthday last month: my brother sent me money and my friends helped me get food with a combo of food stamps and bringing things.

—

I am burnt out from interviewing and working full-time and taking care of myself.

After this interview cycle, I’m just going to deal with my circumstances. I’ll figure something out.

Just gotta keep my brain running, and I have a lot of stuff at home to help me do so.

—

I need to not make any social plans with friends. I can’t commit, and I’m not good company. I can’t be a good friend and I’m having major trust issues.

I may succumb and just go back to hooking up instead sporadically because I’m incredibly touch starved - plus it will help me actually clean my bedroom. And will probably help me with pain and mental health management. Might as well while I still look young and people are somewhat attracted to me.

—

I am trying my best to keep going (and yeah I did take all my meds today). I have therapy tomorrow.

[keefwho]

March 04 - 2024 Monday

11:15pm

1.5/10

Today started okay. I vacuumed and picked up some. I took my shower and made oatmeal, spam, and cheese with crackers for breakfast. I had been planning on doing my workout today but there is still a little ankle pain. Ill try on Wednesday no matter what.

I did work okay. Warmed up with a couple color studies. While eating breakfast I had watched a video covering games that take place in dying worlds, its a unique and intriguing vibe. So I tried painting a scene like that out of nothing. I made good progress on today's commission which I thought would be very hard but just took time, as usual.

After lunch I read the chapter on self in my ACT book again and made a plan for exercises to try this week. For lunch I made some decent rice a roni given I had a weird selection of vegetables. I took a little time but did today's request while hanging out with Bramble and her friends. I liked the request because the person's girlfriend is a big fan and the OC looked good. I worked on a drawing of Adora next since its the 1 day a week I spend on friend art and I have no one else to draw for other than someone that won't get back to me.

I did my therapy appointment where the guy helped go over what self as context means and confirmed I had a decent plan ahead to follow. Unfortunately the next appoint will have to wait until the 25th which sucks. I feel like I'm gonna need an appointment before then so I might request one anyways.

I finished my afternoon worked and joined Samuel for a game of Helldivers before Daisy became available. When she did, we did our puzzles before getting in VR to talk. The talk was very important, we basically determined that we need to step our feelings back a bit and just focus on being friends. Its a big mental shift for me, and something I needed to talk about with someone else a little bit.

Before bed I took some me time to distract me a little bit and now Im up late nibbling on dinner before bed.

~~~

Im dealing with a lot right now. What happened earlier is really just starting to hit me and I'm overwhelmed. I might have my dad take me to the store tomorrow for groceries like he offered instead of streaming. Or I'll stream afterwards. I don't know. I'm only just now starting to cry about everything. I know it's for the best, I stick with the decision. But some part of me is hurting for how I wanted things to go even if it isn't smart.

Its going to be very hard not to slip into my thoughts, I know I will falter and will have to pick myself up. I feel like I have to let go and just take it tonight. Get it all out.

Life in general gets so fucking hard. In the least suicidal way possible, I wish I could end it all sometimes. Just for a break.

[fenimores-book-nook]

Day 17 <3

January 2nd - 2024, Tuesday 10:49 am At work!

HAPPY 2024!!! That's crazy! I haven't accidentally put 2023 instead of 2024 yet, that almost seems crazier. (I'm sure that'll happen soon enough) Enjoy my little illustration from New Years Day at 1 or 2 am. ;)

I am currently at work, as you would've read at the top of the post. I. Am. Exhausted. On top of getting back into the work-at-8-am routine, I'm fighting a cold, ahg. Don't worry, it isn't a horrible one and yes, I'm taking care of it. It's been a few days full of hot teas and warm baths/showers, ginger ale, ibuprofen, and water! And of course rest and cozy clothing. Even though I hate being in the midst of a cold, I am glad I didn't have to deal with it while I was visiting family in Canada! So, there's always a bright side, right? ;)

Today I don't have much of a plan, other than after work I would like to crash on the couch and take a much needed nap. After last week being as busy as it was, I'm ready for a chill week. This one isn't going to be as chill as I'd like it to be, but it'll still be *chill.* ;) Tomorrow I'm going to be hanging out with a friend, but our hangouts are usually fun and low-key. Thursday I have therapy, Friday I just have work, and Saturday is my work holiday party in the evening. And I work 8-1 all those days, minus Saturday. So, I'll for sure have some nice downtime. :)

A lil' collage containing the events of my New Years celebration! :)

I started the night out with my friends, at one of their houses for a party. It was fun at the start, we played a game called "Radical Queer Witches," which is basically a gay, non-offensive version of "Cards Against Humanity." I 100% recommend. ;) And don't get me wrong, it was a good time to just hang out with my friends, but as the night went on, I started feeling uneasy and not very well. (for a number of things that aren't necessary I get into) So, around 10 pm I headed home, knowing that that was the best decision for myself in the moment. And I am really proud of myself for making that decision. If it was during the summer of last year, I probably would've forced myself to stick it out. So, I've come a ways and I should be proud about that! Being proud of yourself can be a hard thing to feel but it's important. <3

So, after I got home, I felt a lot better and decided to make up my own little New Years celebration area. I made a cozy set up on the couch with our dog, Charlie, some cuddle buddies, and books and notebooks! I also had gotten some hot tea and later, some Ginger Ale and poured it into a champagne glass to feel all fun and fancy. :) Then, I clicked on some Christmas lofi with a cute animation on the tv and journaled for a while! Around 11:45 I found a countdown and put that on, then with about 3 minutes before 2024, I facetimed my friends to welcome the new year with them that way. :) Even though the night had some ah-feeling parts, it was a good night in the end!

The Owl House new year-vibe art from Pinterest. :3

Flash forward in the day ~ 6:31 pm In a cozy blanket with a New Years jazz animation YouTube video playing in the background. ;)

The rest of my time at work went well and fast! I worked on the novel I'm writing for most of my shift. Whenever I write at work the time seems to go by really quickly! ;) It especially helps on days when business is slow, the only problem is that I gotta be in the mood to write. (or just sit myself down and force my hands to the keyboard, but we're trying not to force things ;) ) I did end up taking that much needed nap I mentioned. I spent most of my afternoon resting and watching Gravity Falls, another amazing show I'm obsessed with. ;)

~ Self care writing ~

I did some novel writing today after a while of not doing it! I got a lot written and a lot of good stuff written! I was able to come home and rest instead of forcing myself to do things I didn't necessarily want to in the moment. I gave myself time for rest. <3

I remembered something that I read/wrote about in my devotion last night. How God's love for me is not determined on how much I get done. He loves me regardless, I don't need to make myself always be doing something. <3

Not necessarily learned, but reminded of: that there's always more to the surface level of stories. It depends on the reader to look deeper or not.

Pretty good overall, I think. I spent a good amount of time today doing something I love: writing. And I thought more about my faith in a way that makes me feel more confident about it too. I feel proud of myself. :)

Lacking motivation would probably be the best answer. But not in all areas. I had the motivation to do novel writing and to do some illustrations. It isn't always like that, but sometimes the lacking motivation tells you something. Maybe there's something that needs a change-up.

I forgive myself for giving myself unrealistic expectations to reach. It's always a journey to focus on yourself and the realizing of hard truths is a part of it.

Mabel + Waddle hugs from me to you. :)

Until next time,

Thalia <3

[ray-talks]

8/16/23

i fasted all day!!

for the first time in a while, i've gone the entire day without eating, i hope to continue my fast throughout tomorrow. i'm quite proud of myself -- it was more external factors that kept me from this, but i still am glad for my resiliency. it wasn't hard exactly, because i am used to eating next to nothing, so nothing isn't that big of a stretch. it is just relieving that there is nothing to feel guilty about -- i don't have to be ashamed for eating (because i didn't eat lol).

other than this, i wasn't busy in the morning and early afternoon. so i mostly slept in my dorm, watching mukbang videos. the only thing i had in the morning was therapy, which i did virtually. there hasn't been too much of an update on my adhd assessment, other than my therapist found my report cards to be interesting. i find them somewhat intriguing too. a lot of my teachers described me as "kind" and "pleasant-to-be-around" as a young child, even though i had such difficulty relating with others. my therapist said that this is likely me masking very hard, and my afforded achievements made people unable to see my autistic traits.

i think, at the time, i was not wholly unhappy kid (even when i was being bullied) -- i wasn't afraid of others, just that i didn't have a need for others. i was so interest-based as a kid -- people, then, weren't my interest, so i didn't care whether or not i had friends/close connections. now, i do. i am very frightened by people, but also, very interested in them. it is a double-edged sword, because caring about people has rewarded me empathy and fulfillment, but also has made me deeply lonely and isolated.

i am still unsure about the future. i am taking it day by day. i wouldn't be surprised if i didn't make connections with people, simply because of my attitude. my plan is the same. i will lose weight. that is my ultimate goal in life, as of right now. what happens afterward is up in the air. so i need to stay focused on that above all else.

this is all i have to say for the day, i wish anyone who reads this a good day.

[lydianmoding]

deleting old photos & videos before my phone runs out of storage (a small archive for myself)

my brother does a pirouette

blackboard of the GSA meeting room says, “holiday survival kit: you’re not in the closet, you’re undercover”

bernie sanders comes to town

post-election, a friend & i write the blandest solidarity statement in sidewalk chalk in front of the school, drawing dozens of chalk signatures, backlash from students & parents, and a series of schoolwide conversations

a friend & i realize we look exactly like each other with a genderswap face filter (she later tells me that this sped up her transition)

i am voted most likely to come back and teach at my high school

at my first college party, we eat pancakes and write a zine that we will never print

queer elders from a church i have not attended in many years come to provide hugs & protest songs at court

grocery store shelves are empty

hundreds sit down in the middle of a highway by the police station

twenty-one herbs and spices from the dollar store

the acrylic paint on the grass has not washed off in the rain & the landlord comes tomorrow

an apple cake which is an apology that i give to my old roommates after missing an important meeting

a lamb is born

learning to drive via the farm golf cart

contest to see who can make the most yonic loaf of banana bread

our flower-mobile stops at a hospital on saturday afternoons

learning about mycelia from an old man who is a friend of a friend, who we stay with on a road trip in north carolina, who upon meeting us says, “girls, have you heard about the mushrooms?”

air thick with cicadas

on a restroom wall: “listen, most of us could have ended up in medicine making better money”

sharing a notes doc with classmates at a pre-exam party for a decolonial studies lecture (a year later, i learn that people are still sharing the notes doc, which includes plenty of random bullshit bullet-point conversations between me & friends which they must scroll through to get to the course content — i check the doc and our old conversations have been left untouched)

a friend finds a pair of purple-and-blue heelys, which i left for her in the women’s center just before the pandemic hit, in perfect condition two years later

three people attend my class’s public performance of “key texts in ethnic studies” — these three people are our professor, the founder of the palestine museum, and my mother

biking past ACAB on my way to work

painting someone’s nails in a hammock proves difficult but possible

(screenshot) a lake street dive song; humming this song is a summer victory for a family member & opens up new ways for us to communicate

(screenshot) spreadsheets are finalized at my cousins’ house while they agree to host my family in an urgent situation

a thousand dollars’ worth of gardening gloves from home depot

crying with friends on the walk home after seeing everything everywhere all at once

hiding a box of cookies in a friend’s room, to inform him of if he ever is sad or mad at me (it works)

a friend & I wear wristbands from different concerts on the first night I call 911

hanging laundry from the windows eleven stories high

writing the lyrics to all star on my hand because my friend’s band needs a substitute lead singer

dressed as a teabag for the annual mozart requiem halloween singalong

sneaking into the dining hall for midnight cereal

getting the password to the largest lecture hall on campus from a former council president & using it for a reality tv night

adding my visitor name tag to the hundreds of name tags people have stuck to a telephone pole by the hospital on the second night I call 911

there is a double rainbow on the day of my first therapy appointment

(screenshot) a friend & i make plans to see thao & the get down stay down on june 17, 2070

a friend forges a sign for my dorm room door so as to make it appear that i am a senior & can remain in my room until graduation (it works)

learning that we can sneak into the moma without actually doing so

sneaking onto the balcony of a concert hall without having learned that we are sneaking

the most affordable thrift store in the east village, across from the least affordable thrift store in the east village

watching bee & puppycat with a friend on the train on our way to the opera

(screenshot) friends offer to visit me as I finish my finals in the next town over

a train passes by the window at daycare, which is very exciting for the two-year-olds & becomes a main topic of conversation for them for the next few weeks

an old friend who is visiting town has run into me on the street & we have decided to immediately attend the first event we can find which turns out to be a competitive poetry slam

fireflies

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

15.06.23

PTW

My journey at the Priory is finally coming to a much needed end. I officially have the funding in place and will be going back to residential. I just hope it's the right decision on my part.

I'll miss some of the staff (namely my key nurse and therapist) but I won't miss being here. I've had enough. I'm not magically cured but I'm in a far better position than when I first came, even I can recognise that.

The days here are monotonous. Tuesdays and Fridays (for some, including me) are weigh days (Mondays and Thursdays for the others) where we dress in little blue paper gowns tied up at the back. We are woken up at the horrible time between 6 and half 6 am where we then step on the scale to see the dreaded number, praying we haven't lost weight (that would mean an increase), or go up "too much" that our heads can't cope. Even maintenance is difficult to see.

Back to sleep until 8am, meds are at 8:15 (I'm on 5mg aripiprazole, 60mg fluoxetine and inhalers) and breakfast at 8:20. I'm lucky. I'm allowed to maintain a low weight so I remain on quite a small meal plan. Not like some who are forced to a healthy weight but we all know the battle I faced with that one! One box of cereal (usually shreddies or bran flakes), 200ml soya milk (with chocolate nesquik) and a slice of melon.

Next up is hour after where I usually doze. 2 coffees (I have caffeinated coffee and sweeteners that I smuggled in) and a 15 minute walk around the block is followed by a group at 10:45-12:15pm. My favourites are discharge planning and body wise. They are often held by my therapist. Lunch is at half 12 but I always go down 5 minutes early to avoid the rush of patients from the other wards.

I usually have a sweet chilli quorn salad wrap or tuna mayo salad wrap followed by a portion of berries. I'm meant to have a soya yogurt too but I don't have it. I'm too scared it will make me gain weight and my dietitian and the staff know.

Another hour after spent either outside in the sun (recently it's been such nice weather, yes, even in Scotland!) or watching TV. Then another coffee before group (today's is bodywise) and another 15 minute walk (with a quick coffee) after afternoon snack at half 3.

Dinner is at 5:20pm, but as usual I go down 5 minutes early to avoid the rush. I have vegan cottage pie with veg and a scoop of soya ice cream for dessert tonight. After another hour after spent in the lounge, I tend to sit at the nurses station, bored. At 8pm I'll write my daily menu (most people do theirs weekly but I like to do mine daily!) and I'll usually phone a friend to pass some more time until I need to get my nightly meds (just inhalers for me) before night snack from 9-10pm. I tend to go straight to bed as I'm already falling asleep in hour after!

I should also mention that once a week we see the dietitian. the therapist and have ward round. Today was a therapy day where I rambled on about my anxieties for visiting T House tomorrow, seeing some of the staff and desperately wanting my pass to go well. We spoke about my experience and how I felt ashamed, dirty and like I was overreacting. I worry that I won't be able to do the trauma therapy I need but at the same time, maybe it's best not to delve into the past? I don't know what would be for the best.

I also had ward round where as usual nothing much agreed. I'm still to use the lift (instead of the stairs, despite being allowed home passes and daily walks!), no extra time out although I am going on pass tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday and discharge will be decided at my case conference next Tuesday. I just hope my key nurse can do the transfer.

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Why did you elbow me? 106

Achilles Castle part 11

Martha: pov i help Castle sit in the chair outback. Chief Brady and the teenagers arrive, Lanie tells him we can all sit outside. The parents seem nice and apologetic. Jim is helping Katherine outside to sit in a chair. Once everyone is sitting, Chief Brady starts talking, asking the teenagers if they have anything to say to Captain Beckett. Like an apology, one of the parents says Chief Brady told us you were injured in the line of duty. Katherine tells her I was shot on the left side of my chest at my Captain's funeral while giving a eulogy. The girl's mother seems surprised, Katherine explains everything that happened with her mothers case. She says I'm so thankful for Lanie. She saved my life and did CPR until the paramedics arrived. Castle mentions Katherine died in the ambulance and was brought back to life with the paddles. Lanie says she works with the dead but it is hard watching your friend die.

Jim: pov i ask if anyone wants lemonade, this is too much for me to hear, I go inside to get the lemonade for everyone i grab the pitcher and some cups. .

Dave: pov Lanie tells the teenagers I was still doing CPR when Kate was immediately rushed to the ER, In the OR a chest tube was put in since she was bleeding in her chest. The bullet nicked her pulmonary vein and ventricle requiring emergency surgery to gain access to her heart which was full of blood compressing it. The surgeons performed a thoracotomy on her, Kate went into Vfib requiring them to use the internal paddles on her, she then flatlined. The surgeon manually massaged her heart. Kate suffered cardiac arrest on top of the collapsed lung. Spent 3 months on disability recovering. She has a heart condition called ventricular tachycardia and ptsd

Chief Brady: pov Kate mentions I will be on heart medication for the rest of my life, fatigue is real, I'm captain of the 12th precinct homicide unit. I've learned how to manage my symptoms and take breaks. Getting sick from anything like a cold or food poisoning can send me to the ER, I have a weak immune system. I also wear a special vest so I don't injure my left side. A few of the teenagers apologize to Kate. Lanie tells them what alcohol can do to your body and even shows them pictures. Wow I had no idea she was going to print pictures.

Kate: pov I'm starting to get tired and I can feel a headache coming on. I was up a lot last night, since I couldn't sleep. Lanie asks me if I feel okay because I look off, I tell her I'm fine. She asks me to hand over my phone so she can check my heart rate. I decided to be honest with her and mention I can feel a headache coming on. She goes inside then comes back out with some tylenol for My headache.

Alexis: pov a boy named Glenn asks what it feels like. Kate says you mean my arrhythmia. It's uncomfortable. My heart starts beating extra fast and feels weird, then it gets hard for me to breathe and in a severe case without medicine I can faint.

Lanie: pov one curious boy asks if he can see her scars. His dad says it's rude to ask that. Kate says it's fine. She first shows the teenagers the bullet scar then the thoracotomy one. All of them eventually apologize, after they leave Kate heads upstairs to take a nap. Castle has something special planned for Tomorrow afternoon. It's this underwater submarine thing where you can see sea life up close and Castle can do it since you don't have to get in the water if you don't want to.

Castle: pov I paid for the tickets. This will be so cool I got Alexis and Dave the wet suits so they can actually go in the water. Lanie is on the phone with the company letting them know Kate has a heart condition. I ask Lanie what time tomorrow morning does Kate have her physical therapy type appointment. She tells me the pt guy is coming to the house early, he is going to help Kate keep in shape. Lanie says he is not from pt but cardiac rehabilitation. I ask if there is a difference, turns out there is a small difference. With Kate's medical history they thought this was better for her then regular pt. I decided to take a nap then get some writing done. Alexis and Dave are back from sightseeing and outside in the pool swimming.

Martha: pov Alexis is making French fries with salad and Dave is grilling some burgers with the supervision of Castle. Katherine is up and chatting with her dad, I'm pouring some peach tea into cups. I made sure it was decaf because I don't want Katherine having an episode. Lanie is on the phone with Esposito, he and Ryan are coming down the day after tomorrow.

Jim: pov the food is put on the counter so all of us can fill our plates once everyone is sitting down for dinner, Castle takes his pain pill and starts talking about tomorrow's plans . Lanie explains someone from cardiac rehabilitation is coming tomorrow, the cardiologist from the hospital and Dr Burkett just want to be extra cautious with her exercising since being injured. The peach tea tastes amazing, on the counter there are a few different flavors of salad dressing to choose from. I pick the strawberry vinegar, which sounds fantastic.

Dave: pov me and Alexis are going to watch a movie on the big screen, Mr Castle and Kate are going to sit outside and listen to music. Kate gets into some Pj's and grabs a blanket, Jim says something about watching an old movie upstairs in his room. Martha Is practicing her lines for something in her room and Lanie is in Castle's office using the computer. To be continued. …….

[adirasayshello]

Hello, Internet.

I spend most of my times using my phone. And although I kept track of journals and planners, I can’t write on them because of, 1. I don’t have any plans. 2. The world is too tough for me right now and I can’t seem to catch up. Life has been heavy, not to mention that I am already heavy. (Haha I am a plus size girlie, a depressed, plus size girlie trying to avoid an ED right now because she is really in a bad place right now.)

I was tossing and turning before I remember I used to blog on tumblr on my thoughts as a person and my short poems. And my everyday is like this. I will stay up until morning, and I will wakeup in the afternoon the next day. What do I do with the staying up late? Easy. I think.

I think of so may things on why my life is like this, on why I am unemployed for 6 months now. I didn’t necessarily planned being unemployed but it gets you good. Tbh, I had plans. When I left my previous work, I thought I’d be reaching my dreams. I thought knowing what I want is as easy as getting what I want. Apparently it’s not and the world has been harder on me since.

I won’t get into details of how I was rejected, but I’ll tell you. 10 times, and along with that, I get angry. Kind of in need of therapy angry but I live in a 3rd world country. Thus explaining why I immediately wanted to end this blog because my goddamn electric fan is buzzing. The kind of buzz you get from buying a cheap ass product.

But my thoughts kept me banging my head unto my fist so I am gonna write them all.

I decided I wanna retrieve my old tumblr accnt. Turns out my small brain barely remembers anything so I decided to create a new one.

I wanted to share how angry I am for being unemployed, I wanted to share how angry I am for being fat but I can not do anything about it. I tried getting angry at the people beside me or is currently in my life but that did not end nicely.

There is this undying voice in my head that screams I am not as important as before because I can’t land a job, one interview even told me I am not fucking good enough.

I sob so much I had snot allover me and got even angrier because I spent my whole life studying only to be told I am not good enough. I still hear that voice in me everyday.

I have anger in me that I didn’t want to kill, but rather allocate properly, but I think my depression stops me from doing so so I just sit by my bed and cry all night.

I am getting sleepy, at-least It worked, this is why I wanted to try writing in the first place.

Goodnight brain, I won today, please do not fight me again tomorrow, I deserve sleep.