#And I would think about I wanted to go back to the psychiatric ward and kill every doctor there

[sea-lanterns]

HALLOWEEN

synopsis: (slasher! AU) an escaped psych ward patient wants to see you again.

featuring: shenhe

rating: 18+ smut (men and minors dni)

warnings: sub! afab fem reader, mentions of murder, knives, stalking, breaking and entering, house invasion, size k.ink, size difference, praise, manhandling, oral (reader recieving), wall se.x, grinding, hump.ing, ni.pple sucking, ni.pple biting, hickies, marking, possessiveness, pwp, not proofread.

art credits: high rise invasion

“Hehe, I win!”

“Great job, Yaoyao!”

You smiled and pat Yaoyao on the head while her older sister Qiqi clapped quietly in praise. Although it was Halloween night, you spent your time babysitting your neighbor’s kids, as he had to go out unexpectedly to run some last minute errands. Though most adults your age would find this kind of thing “boring” and “a waste of a Halloween night,” you actually enjoyed babysitting Baizhu’s kids, as you practically raised them as an older sister from the time they were basically infants. 

At the moment, you were currently playing board games with the two girls, after a long night of watching kids’ Halloween movies and helping them with their homework. It was almost nearing the girls’ bedtime at this point, so you made a note to yawn and pretend like you were tired.

“Oh man…I’m all tired you guys…” you said with a smile, looking up at the clock. “I think it’s time for bed.”

“Awe…” Yaoyao pouted, but began cleaning up the games regardless. 

“Does this mean you’re leaving soon?” Qiqi inquired in a quieter voice, looking hesitant to let you go. “Is Papa home yet? I don’t wanna go to bed until Papa is home.” 

“Papa will be home soon. It’s almost nine.” You say reassuringly, giving Qiqi a small head pat before going over to the kitchen to pour Qiqi’s glass of coconut milk. “Come here and get your coco milk.” You say softly, peeking your head through the door. “Yaoyao, why don’t you go put on your PJs while I serve your sister her milk.”

“Okay!” Yaoyao exclaimed, running up the stairs while Qiqi quietly walked into the kitchen. She had a habit of drinking a cold glass of coconut milk every night before bed, so you opened up the fridge to grab the carton, before seeing Qiqi plop herself at the table. 

“…Big Sister.” Qiqi said in a monotone voice, catching your attention as you poured the milk into a glass. 

“Hm?” You glanced over, slightly distracted as she called you by your nickname. 

“…Is it true that the boogeyman exists?” She asks in a softer voice, her head resting on the table with a small look of worry in her eyes. “One of the kids at school said that the boogeyman was a tall man, whose face was as white as a sheet.” 

She turned her head and pointed to the abandoned house across the street, the one where the infamous murder incident took place over twenty something years ago. “They say that he lived in that house before he got taken away. That he murdered his father as a young boy…is it true?”

You froze when she said all this, not expecting Qiqi of all people to ask you about the murder case that happened about twenty something years ago. You were practically a kid when the news story made headlines, but as much as the story haunted you till this day, you didn’t want to scare the girl with a story that could potentially give her nightmares. 

“No, Qiqi honey.” You say in a soothing tone, handing her the glass of coconut milk and rubbing her head. “That’s just a Halloween story. The boogeyman doesn’t exist.”

‘It was a boogeywoman.’ You couldn’t help but think, as you shuddered just looking back at the old abandoned house. Years ago, a young girl was the perpetrator of a murder case back when you were just a child. It was the talk of the town, the story of the infamous young girl; Shenhe, who brutally murdered her father in that house and was sent to a psychiatric institution with a case of homicidal tendencies. 

You remember that day like it was yesterday, as Shenhe was actually one of your friends back when you were in elementary school. It was hard to believe such a quiet and mature girl could be the person behind slaughtering a full grown man, and while it was terrifying, you couldn’t help but feel upset that your friend had to be taken away. 

“…Big sister, you spilled some coco milk on your shirt.” Qiqi said in a monotone voice, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Wha—” you looked down and saw that you had accidentally spilled some coconut milk all over your clothes. 

“Oh…shoot!” You couldn’t help but exclaim, nearly cursing before remembering that you were in the prescience of a child. “Ah…sorry. I must’ve been lost in thought for too long.”

You set the carton back into the fridge and tried cleaning out the milk stain with a wet napkin and some soap. It was no use, the stain was simply too big and since you were wearing a white shirt, it looked translucent when in a brightly illuminated area for too long.

“…Big sister, I can see your—”

“Yes Qiqi, I know.” 

You sighed and walked over to your backpack to grab a spare change of clothes. “Luckily for me however, I am always prepared!” You held up an old T-shirt you had brought and showed it off to Qiqi. “Cool, right? Now, since you’ve finished your milk, why don’t you head upstairs and join your sister in going to bed? I have to change before the smell of milk stays on me.” 

Qiqi nods and gets out of her chair to make her way upstairs, leaving you to change in the kitchen as you sigh and begin stripping out of your clothes, already tired from today’s activities. As you removed your shirt however, you failed to notice a masked woman staring at you from behind the window, watching you as you removed the stained T-shirt and slid the new one on. 

Her heavy breathing fogged up the window while she watched you intently. Sharp, iridescent eyes trailing over the curves of your figure, before quickly moving away when you glanced back to look at the window. 

“…Hm.” You stared at the window for a few more seconds before turning away, cleaning up some of the plates off the table as the masked woman watched you from outside. It had been…so long since she had last seen you, so many years of isolation and she finally had the chance to see you again after being taken away to be locked like a prisoner for her own misdeeds. 

“…Mine.” The masked woman mumbled to herself, watching you with need before quickly scrambling away when the headlights of a car pulled into the driveway.

As you finished cleaning up some of the dishes, you heard the sound of keys jingling into the lock before Baizhu’s familiar footsteps entered the house. “I’m home…!” He exclaims jovially, the sounds of tiny footsteps running down the stairs, as Yaoyao and Qiqi —now in their PJs— ran to greet their Papa before heading to bed.

“Baizhu!” You exclaim with a smile.

“Papa!” Both Qiqi and Yaoyao exclaim, running up to him and hugging him on each leg. 

“Oof…easy there…my blood pressure is gonna spike…” he groans, giving the two girls a pat on the head before glancing over at you. 

“Hey…how were they?” 

“As easy as every other time.” You say with a chuckle, before beginning to put on your coat. 

“Ah, I’m glad.” Baizhu says with a smile, nudging his two daughters to face you. “Well, what do you say girls?”

“Thank you Big Sister…!” Qiqi and Yaoyao speak at the same time. 

“Anytime.” You chuckle, saying your final goodbyes to the two girls, as they head upstairs to finally head to bed. This left you with Baizhu as you got ready to head home, making sure everything was packed in your bag and nothing was left behind. 

“Stay safe out there, it can get pretty dangerous late at night,” Baizhu hums as he counts the money in his wallet to give to you. “I heard rumors of an escapee from the psychiatric facility a few miles down from here. The police are tracking the escaped patient, but it’s best to get home quickly for your own safety.” 

Your heart sunk at the impending news, the same psychiatric facility where your childhood friend was locked up for murdering her father. It couldn’t be a coincidence, surely. 

“Thanks, I’ll be sure to head home fast.” You say with a nod, taking the money before stuffing it in your pocket. “Have a nice night, Mr. Baizhu, and have a wonderful Halloween.”

“You too.” Baizhu nods, allowing you to exit his home as you begin walking down the block to your own house. You didn’t live too far from the Baizhu family residence, yet walking down the block all alone on a late Halloween night was not really the ideal situation for you to be in. Especially considering the news of the escaped patient that Baizhu notified you about. 

“Geez, how eerie…” you mumbled to yourself, glancing up at the abandoned house Shenhe used to live in, and being reminded of your childhood together before she was taken away. 

Shenhe was such a sweet and quiet girl —at least to you— and you had such fond memories of playing with her everyday after school until it was so late into the evening you could see stars. You had no idea she was capable of such brutal, homicidal tendencies, yet perhaps you’ve misjudged her, and maybe she really was just a sociopath after all…

You shook your head at the thought. No, it can’t be. Shenhe was always so sweet to you. Perhaps one day she just snapped and was—

You stopped walking when you heard the sound of footsteps behind you. A shiver running down your spine as you slowly turned around and saw a tall, masked woman standing just several feet away.

“O-Oh!” You flinched a little and backed up a bit when you saw her. Her tall, looming figure made you feel small, as she towered over you like you were nothing but a mouse ready for her to step on. “Ah…sorry, you startled me a bit…” you say with a nervous chuckle, holding onto your backpack straps with worry. “I uh…I like your costume…”

The masked woman tilted her head slightly, staring at you with familiar, iridescent eyes that had you squinting for a closer look. ‘Why do they look so familiar…?’

“…Uhm.” When the woman did not respond, you looked around awkwardly before getting an idea. 

“Oh! Are you…trick or treating?” You ask with a smile, reaching into your pocket to pull out a small, wrapped mint. “Sorry I don’t have anything else, but I hope this is enough to suffice!”

You hesitantly walk closer to hold out the candy to the woman, whose body stiffens up when you offer her the small, wrapped treat. You may have forgotten after all these years, but her favorite candy was actually small mints, and the fact you still carried around mints to this day had her heart beating sporadically out of her chest.

‘She’s still as nice as ever…’ the masked woman thought as she slowly looked down and stared at the wrapped mint with amusement. Carefully, she takes it out of your hand, her much larger fingers brushing over your palm and causing you to shiver. 

“Ah…your hand is quite cold…” you couldn’t help but chuckle, pulling your arm back to keep it at your side. “Don’t stay out too long, it’s dangerous late at night. Stay safe out there, okay?” You smile sweetly at the masked woman and the sight has her blushing underneath her rubber mask. She had forgotten how sweet and beautiful you were after years of not seeing you, and she wanted nothing more than to keep you by her side for as long as she possibly could. 

“…Thank you.” She says in a muffled voice, your pulse jumping at how unexpectedly deep and husky it was. 

“You’re welcome!” You respond with a smile, giving her a polite bow before making your way back to your house. Though your initial encounter may have spooked you a little bit, all you could think about was just how cute the masked woman was. 

‘Ahhhh I should’ve asked for her number or something!’ You groaned inwardly, calling yourself pathetic in several different languages before pulling out the keys to your house. ‘Oh well, it’s a small town. Maybe I’ll see her again…’

Or tonight, considering you failed to notice the woman still stalking you from the shadows as you headed into your house rather blindly. Shutting the door behind you and heading inside to kick off your shoes, hang up your coat, and go to bed since you were aching for a good night’s rest before work tomorrow. 

“Ugh…” you trudged up the stairs to head to your room, plopping on the bed and taking a breather before mustering up the strength to do grown-up things like shower and eat a decent meal like a responsible adult. It took quite a bit of mental encouragement to get up from the heavenly abyss of your bed, but soon enough, you rolled off the covers and began digging through your dressers to find a nice clean pair of PJs to change into. 

After finding a decent set, you got up and began making your way to the bathroom, humming a small tune to yourself and locking yourself in the bathroom. As you did this however, the door to your house slowly creaked open, the tall, masked woman from earlier making her way inside as her only goal for tonight was to see you again. 

And hopefully make you hers.

She took a brief walk around your house, tilting her head at the various knick knacks and items scattered around your house before making her way upstairs. She heard the sounds of a shower being turned on and decided to surprise you by hiding in your bedroom closet. She couldn’t wait to see the look on your face when you saw her again, the poor woman practically trembling with excitement as she stuffed her larger body into such a small space. 

Now, all she had to do was wait. 

And wait.

…And wait. 

And wait as she did, but the woman was beginning to feel incredibly cramped as she stood in your closet door for what seemed like eternity (even though it had only been ten minutes) 

Feeling a bit bored, the woman slowly exited the room and was about to walk down the hall, when she came face to face with just you in a towel. The moment you locked eyes on each other, you screamed and nearly dropped your towel out of fear, almost flashing yourself at the other woman as she scrambled to keep you calm. 

Before you could start running, the woman quickly ran up to you and suddenly picked you up in a hug that had your legs dangling in the air due to her strength. 

“H-Holy shit—!”

“Quiet…Quiet…”

The woman pressed a comforting hand on your head and began petting you in soft, yet sturdy strokes. Her other arm had muffled your screaming as she tried her best to silence your fears, pleading for you to stay quiet so you didn’t alert the neighbors with your cries. 

“Mmmpf! Hnnn!” You squirmed in her grasp but it was no use. The woman holding onto you had some sort of freakish strength that kept you from making even the slightest of movements, causing you to flip out even more as you realized this might be the end. 

‘I’m gonna die. Oh my fucking god I’m gonna die!’ You were so close to tears and continued trying to fight for your life. Squirming and thrashing around like a fish out of water, before suddenly being pinned to the wall to stop your flailing. 

“Mmpf!”

“Quiet…!” 

The masked woman spoke in a rough, yet somewhat familiar tone. Her larger body pinning you to the wall as she kept a firm hand over your mouth to successfully gag you from screaming any unwanted sounds. 

‘I’m so dead…I’m so dead…!’ You screamed with your eyes closed, mentally preparing yourself for the worst, only to have the killer…suddenly hug you?

At the feeling of the masked woman’s arms embracing you like an old friend, your body tensed up as she leaned forward to bury her face into your shoulder, as if she didn’t just scare the shit out of you moments prior. 

“Ah…h-hah…wha…” 

“Mine.”

You heard the woman grumble the word like it was a fact, pushing you further against the wall. Your heart was still beating sporadically out of your chest from all the adrenaline, but something in the tone of her voice made you shiver with a strange nostalgia you had no idea you had.

“Mine.” The woman repeated once more, the screams in your throat dying down to a pathetic whimper. “Don’t go.”

“Aha…hah…” Was this hysteria? Were you finally beginning to lose it? 

“Don’t scream.” The woman says in a quiet groan, stroking the back of your head. “I missed you.”

“Wh-What…?” You were beginning to wonder if you were losing it, body trembling like a feather as she continued delivering soft and gentle strokes to the back of your head. Was this woman insane?! I mean, she was stalking you and breaking into your house, but perhaps this was the patient that escaped the psychiatric facility…?

“…U-Uhm…can you let me down…?” You ask in a shaky voice, too afraid to scream any more as the knife she had fastened to her jumpsuit paralyzed you with fear. 

“…Okay.”

Sensing that you won’t run away, the tall woman plopped you down like an obedient dog dropping a toy. You were shocked to say the least at how easily she complied, but didn’t want to question it as you stood there, trapped against the wall in nothing but a towel while you stared your house invader down. “…Wh-Why’re you here?” You ask with a bit of reluctance, pulling your towel up so it wouldn’t accidentally drop. 

“…I missed you.” The woman says again, keeping her head down as she stares at you through the eye holes of her mask.

“Well, you can’t just follow me home and break in…” You mumble politely, “It’s illegal…”

“It is?” The woman tilted her head and looked slightly upset. “I’m sorry…” 

Your eyes widened when she suddenly hugged you again, body tensing up as her muscular frame practically engulfed yours. “H-Hey now…” you froze under her grip and felt how easy it was for her to snap you like a twig. “Do you…uhm, have somewhere else to go?” 

The woman shakes her head no. 

“Ah…okay…” you wanted to call the police more than anything, but something in the back of your mind was screaming for you not to. Instead, all that was going on in your mind, was who it was behind the mask. 

“…Can I…see who you are at least?” You ask in a quiet tone, wondering why this random stalker took such a liking to you after all you did was give them a candy. “I want to know…who it is I’m talking to.”

The masked woman pauses at your statement, slowly leaning back and staring at you with those familiar, iridescent eyes. At first, you think she’s mad at you with how quiet she was being all of a sudden, but then you see her hand reach up to pull at the latex of her mask. 

Your breath hitches when the mask slides off to reveal a matured, much older, and familiar face of your childhood friend; Shenhe, who got taken away from you all those years ago. She never changed a bit, and with the way she was looking down at you, you realized you had reunited with her after so many years of disappearance.

“Shenhe…” you breathed out after a moment of silence, eyes trailing over the contours of her face before settling on her eyes. “It’s you?”

She nods at your response, almost excited in a way as she was happy to know you remembered her. “Yes, it is me.” 

She could barely contain herself as she moved forward to hug you once more, spooking you as she lifted you off the ground with ease. Shenhe was always strong as a kid, however; you had no idea she would be this strong as an adult, as she could practically split a man’s skull open like a pumpkin. 

“Oh!” You let out a yelp when she scooped you up in her arms, all fears of a home invader leaving your head, as all you could think about was the fact that your childhood friend was back and wanted to visit you.

“I missed you.” Shenhe repeated against your ear, voice gravelly and rich with the way she purred. “That’s why I escaped.”

“You— You escaped the psychiatric facility?” You mumble in disbelief. “Just to see me again?”

Shenhe nodded like an innocent child, burying her face into your shoulder and inhaling your soft, shampoo-like scent. “I wanted to see what was mine again…”

Your face flushed at those words and you couldn’t help but be reminded of your old, puppy love crush on the woman back when you two were just children. You knew this woman was capable of homicidal tendencies and yet, despite seeing a killer; all you could feel was your friend. 

And you wanted this friend to be yours too.

“…Okay.” You whisper in a shaky tone, hesitantly hugging Shenhe back as she nuzzles her face deeper against your neck, her hot breath tickling the skin of your ear and making it difficult to control the strange arousing feeling beginning to stir in the depth of your core. “I can keep you here for a bit, Shenhe. Just until you can manage on your own.” 

You had no idea why you were doing this, but allowing a killer to stay in your home was not the best idea. Nevertheless, Shenhe was ecstatic and she suddenly leaned in to kiss your cheek out of appreciation for what you were doing. The moment her lips planted on your face, you froze and almost dropped your towel completely out of shock.

“Oh.” Shenhe stopped when your towel moved lower and accidentally revealed your breasts, the tall woman’s face flushing pink at the sight, before glancing away in embarrassment. 

‘Oh…’ your hands quickly pulled the towel back up, yet when you looked up to see Shenhe’s reaction to the accidental flash, you saw her looking away, but also not-so-subtly trying to sneak an extra peak. 

‘Wow, I did not expect Shenhe to be such a closet pervert…’ you thought to yourself, smiling a bit cheekily and laughing to yourself. “Shenhe, it’s okay, we’re both girls. I mean, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

“But I haven’t seen it before…” Shenhe mumbles ever so quietly, iridescent eyes slowly taking up your figure. “Your body…is so pretty.”

Aaaaand that’s how she managed to seduce you. All it took was for your pretty childhood best friend to say your body was pretty and bam, your heart began to flutter with newfound feelings for the killer. 

“I could…show you more if you’d like,” you chuckle a bit teasingly, wondering how far Shenhe would push the limits.

“You would?” She looked intrigued and leaned a little forward. “Can I see?” 

Your eyes widened at her boldness, before deciding to see where this goes and chuckling. 

“Alright…” 

As it turns out, Shenhe was a lot bolder than you took her for, as the moment you dropped the towel to reveal your entire body, Shenhe had you pinned against the wall and her lips sucking on your chest. You weren’t sure how you got here, as every second with Shenhe was a blur, but you knew for one thing that you were enjoying it.

“Hah…eager aren’t we?” You teased a bit light-heartedly, groaning a little when Shenhe bit on a nipple. “Nngh…gentle now, Shenhe. You have to be gentle with a woman…”

“‘M sorry…” she mumbles against your chest, trying to kiss your nipple better.

“Hah…it’s okay.” You whisper reassuringly, petting her long, white hair like she was a rabbit. “Is this your first time? I assume it’s not often you sleep with someone in a psych ward…”

She nods hesitantly and hides her face in your chest. 

“Pfft…” you missed this. You missed the feeling of your friend laying on your chest and whispering with you like you were the only two people in the world. “It’s okay…do you want me to guide you?” 

Shenhe nods again. You swear, if it weren’t for the news articles and details of her homicidal tendencies, you would’ve thought Shenhe was the sweetest girl on earth incapable of murder. 

“You’re so sweet…” you murmur into Shenhe’s ear, watching as the tips of her ears turn pink. “Do you wanna go to my bedroom so it’s easier?”

Shenhe shakes her head no, pushing you further against the wall. “I want to touch you here.” She mumbles under her breath. “I want to take you here. I don’t want to move.” 

A jolt of heat pushes through your body and you feel yourself dripping just at how direct she was. For someone so innocent and charming, you really did not expect Shenhe of all people to be so good at dirty talk…

“Aha…are you sure? The floor is kinda hard so it’ll be uncomfortable. I’d say a bed would be better as it— OH!” Shenhe suddenly lifted you up with ease and shoved you against the wall, your legs dangling over her forearms as she pressed her body closer to you. 

Where on earth did she learn this position?!

“Sh-Shenhe, this position—” you flinched as your legs were spread and the bare skin of your cunt brushed against Shenhe’s rough jumpsuit, the position making you blush as you were left vulnerable to whatever Shenhe had in mind for you tonight. 

“…I like this position.” Shenhe said after some time, practically folding you to her liking and leaning in for a kiss. Your eyes widened as you tasted the familiar freshness of peppermint, and realized Shenhe had eaten the mint you had given to her prior to meeting her. ‘So sweet…’ Shenhe couldn’t help but think, trying to shove her tongue in your mouth and taste some more of what your body had to offer. 

“Mmpf…hnn…” your moans were muffled by her tongue and you couldn’t help but close your eyes as she began adjusting your legs to wrap around her waist. Once she had you wrapped firmly around her, Shenhe began to move her hands all over your body, searching, squeezing, trying to find that one spot that would have you whimpering out her name. 

“I want…I want more…” Shenhe pants out like a dog, nudging your legs further as she begins grinding her hips against yours. “Want more…want— n-need more…”

At the sudden grinding sensations you threw your head back and nearly hit your head against the wall. The rough cloth of her jumpsuit moving against you so well it had you writhing in her arms, Shenhe’s brutal ruts making it seem like she was trying to envision herself having a strap, as she was panting rather loudly with the sight of you all naked against her.  

“Sh-Shenhe…I think– hah… it’d be better if you took that jumpsuit off���”

Despite your pathetic pleas, your words fell on deaf ears as poor Shenhe was too caught up in her pleasure to even hear you. You just looked so perfect and pliable for her to maneuver, her feelings of missing you all these years starting to cloud her thoughts, as she leaned in to claim your neck as hers and hers alone. 

“Mine…mine…mine…” you hear her grunt into your ear, teeth grabbing at your skin and pinching it so hard it left a mark. “Shenhe! Gentle, baby. Gentle…” you whimper in a smaller voice, gasping with the amount of hickies she was starting to suck onto you, as it seemed a switch had flipped in your sweet, innocent Shenhe. 

“S-Slow down, please…” you whine into her ear, pulling something feral out of Shenhe as she decided this position wasn’t enough. She needed more. She craved more. 

And you were going to give it to her. 

In one quick motion, Shenhe crouched down for a moment before lifting your legs over her shoulders and having you practically straddle her face. You nearly screamed when she did this, her body keeping you upright as your legs dangled in the air, even higher than you were before. 

“Shenhe this is dangerous what’re you–”

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head when Shenhe began lapping at your clit, her tongue darting out with hunger as she tasted your glistening folds for the very first time. 

“Stay…still…” Shenhe practically growls as she keeps you balanced with just her strength alone. You had no idea how she was capable of such impressive feats, yet you weren’t complaining when her tongue was so wet and (somehow) so experienced.

Or many Shenhe was just really, really horny. Who knows. But either way, you were laying on cloud nine as Shenhe nudged her cold little nose onto the button of your clit. Strong hands squeezing the flesh of your thighs and leaving small nail indents in your skin that would surely leave a mark when you woke up in the morning. 

“Shenhe…Shenhe oh god…” your legs were trembling from the constant pleasure as Shenhe continued thrusting her tongue with insatiable hunger, her face practically glistening with your juices as a sex-drunk expression glazed over her face. 

“More…I want more…” she groans in a huskier tone, practically burying her face into your cunt and drinking up all the cum that was leaking out of you, too pussy drunk to even think. 

“Shenhe please…” you whined as you gripped her hair with your fingers. “Put me down I can’t…I can’t take it anymore…”

“No, you can.” She groans in response to your whining, pushing you further into the wall as she lapped up your sex like it was her last meal. “Just stay still, stay still.”

At her deafening command, you whimpered and let her take the reins as she coursed her tongue through each crevice and corner of your folds. You’ve never heard or seen Shenhe act so possessive before, but the feeling of being all hers, and only hers, had you nearing your orgasm sooner than you expected. 

“Go on…I want to taste it.” Shenhe says rather directly, giving your right thigh a squeeze. “I want to taste you.”

“Shenhe…” you groaned, feeling your stomach tighten. “You— nngh…”

You arched your back off the wall and gripped Shenhe’s shoulders tightly, cum starting to spill down your thighs and onto Shenhe’s awaiting tongue. Eagerly, she lapped up any stray droplets she could catch, savoring the flavor of your release like it was a fine wine she could ever hope to taste again. 

“Goodness…” you panted, catching your breath as Shenhe continued to clean up any traces of cum left on your hips. “Shenhe you…are you sure you’re a virgin?”

She nodded obediently, kissing the inside of your thigh before marking it with her teeth. 

“Oh wow…” you couldn’t help but tiredly laugh, petting Shenhe like the good girl she was and kissing the top of her head. “You’re really good, you know that?” 

Shenhe beamed at the praise and continued kissing the inside of your thighs before setting you down in her arms and carrying you to the bedroom. “I…I can please you more,” she murmurs in a rather pleading way, looking almost like a puppy getting ready to serve their master. “Please let me please you more.”

“Gosh, round two?” You chuckled, clinging to her arms as she brought you to your room. “Ah, why not. I’m sure you have enough stamina to go all night, hm?”

Shenhe nodded eagerly and set you down on your bed, climbing over on top of you before kissing the base of your neck and whispering under your ear. “I can go all night if you want.”

“Really?” You chuckle back in a whisper, bringing her down by the neck and kissing the side of her cheek. “Well, if that’s the case…”

“Happy Halloween, Shenhe.”

[dancingtotuyo]

11. up from the dust, inconceivable love

Woman | Joel Miller X Female Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: Ellie learns the truth. Your family gains a member.

Tags: Joel Miller X Female Reader. Age Gap (13/14 years). HBO Characters. Mostly cannon compliant for show & game. Timeline is changed.

Chapter Warnings: pregnancy related things, angst, hurt & comfort and no comfort?, self worth issues, canon violence, anger, child birth, spoilers for TLOU 2 (we’re entering the timeline that starts to burrow things for part 2 of the game)

Notes: huge thank you to my constants, my rocks @ramblers-lets-get-ramblinand @janaispunk for beta reading and letting me yell and scream and break their hearts.

If you have checked out Before, I would encourage you to do so for more backstory on our dear reader! The final part is out now!

Words: 5352

Series Masterlist | Author Masterlist | Playlist

“What do you think of Peace?” You ask, propped up in bed, hand over your swollen stomach. You’ve gained more weight this time, probably because you’re not in the throes of grief. 

“I mean, I’m a fan. I hope everyone is.” Joel says, trimming his facial hair with the bathroom door wide open. 

You bite your lip, admiring the expanse of his bare back. If getting out of bed wasn’t an event, you would be behind him right now, kissing his shoulders. 

“No, as a name for a girl,” you say. Joel turns around looking at you like he’s contemplating checking you into a psychiatric ward if those still existed. “A middle name, not a first name.” 

Joel sets his trimmers down, leaning in the doorway shirtless. “And what would her first name be?” 

“Willow.”

Joel furrows his brow stepping into your bedroom, your shared bedroom. “Darlin, I know we live in a commune, but we’re not hippies.”

“You bring me wildflowers and we walk barefoot through the fields. I wouldn’t be so sure.” You can’t help but laugh. Joel cracks a smile. “Do you have suggestions then?”

“Thought about naming Sarah- Katherine.”

You make a face. You know one too many Kates and Katies even in Jackson.

“It’s not a bad name,” Joel chuckles. 

“Neither is Willow.”

“Is this your way of telling me you’re a hippie?”

“Would you leave if I said yes?”

Joel shrugs “I don’t know, but I knocked you up so I guess I have to stay.” He crawls into the bed. His head is level with your stomach as he watches for movement. 

You roll your eyes. “How romantic.”

He grins up at you and then his eyes are back on your belly. He rests a hand at the top, staring, waiting in wonderment. Neither of you can believe this is all real. Your baby moves around all the time, kicking your bladder and lungs, signifying life. A life you did not think would make it. 

You thread your fingers through Joel’s soft brown hair. The outline of a foot appears and then disappears. Joel’s eyes sparkle and he kisses the same spot. He’s soft and gentle. In these moments, all your anxieties are carried away like leaves on an autumn breeze. This is your peace. 

“What other names did you have picked out for Carter?”

You bite your lip. “We didn’t have any other boys' names.”

“And if he’d been a girl?” He’s still enthralled with your stomach as if there’s been an enchantment cast over it. 

“Sarah.”

His head snaps up. 

“Tommy and I talked about her a lot when I was pregnant. She was on my mind… being a part of Sarah’s life made me realize I wanted a family… even in this world where I had no right to do so.”

You keep playing with his hair. His eyes go glassy making you wonder what memory is playing behind his eyes. You stay like that until Joel is ready to talk. Eventually, he sits up, clearing his throat. His lips touch yours. 

“What about Willa?”

You tilt your head to the side. You don’t really see how it’s any different than Willow, but you’re not going to bring that up. “I like it.” 

“And Miles for a boy.” His smile returns. He doesn’t tell you that he’s positive you’re having a girl.

“Miles is an old man's name!”

“Good, then he’ll grow to be an old man.”

You take in a sharp breath. It’s just an offhand comment, but it carries so much weight. It’s a stark reminder of the heaviness of the world, and the twinge of guilt you feel bringing another child into it. 

Joel takes your hand, kissing your palm. You see it in his eyes too. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’tve-”

“It’s okay.” Your fingers comb through his hair. He leans into your touch. His grays are more noticeable than they were a year ago, but the brown still outnumbers them. 

“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asks.

“I don’t know… I- I haven’t really let myself think about it until today.” It's true. The fact of the matter is you’re within a month of your due date. You and Joel are so close to welcoming this baby into the world and are wildly unprepared. 

“We’re getting close… We need a crib.” 

“The one I used for Carter is in the attic.”

“I can bring it down in the morning.”

“I need to get some baby clothes. I traded all of Carter’s.” 

“Looks like we have a bunch of work to do, Mama,” Joel smiles, kissing your forehead. He still hasn't told you about the swaddles and onesies tucked in the back of his drawer, but it seems you’re finally ready for them.

You cock your head to the side, contemplating the nickname. There’s a mix of emotions with it. You’re already a mother. Joel is a father, but this is a life you’re bringing in together. It’s uncharted territory for both of you. Sarah’s mom was out the door before she was six months old. Neither of you have done this part with a partner before. 

A sharp knock on the front door pulls your mind from its wandering. Joel’s brow furrows, rolling out of the bed. People don’t knock on your door often. They usually barrel right in, unless it’s bad. Your stomach drops. 

Joel is out of the bedroom, shrugging on a shirt. Dina’s voice calls through your home. “Hello?” She sounds worried, desperate. 

You swing your legs over the side of the bed. It takes more time to stand these days. If you try too quickly, your head rushes making you feel dizzy. 

“Dina? What’s wrong?” Joel’s at the bottom of the stairs now, but his voice carries. You have to stop at the top of the stairs to catch your breath. 

“Ellie is gone.”

You freeze, grabbing the railing for stability. “What?”

Joel turns around, worry etched in his face. “Where did she go?”

“I don’t know. She mentioned something about the Fireflies and a hospital, but she wouldn’t talk to me.” You make out the flicker of hurt in Dina’s face. Those two tell each other everything, or most things. You’re not sure Ellie has told her about her immunity. You all keep that one pretty close to your chests. 

“Shit,” Joel mumbles. He glances between you at his back and the front door in front of him. You see the push and pull. He needs to go after her. He needs to be here for you. 

His eyes settle on you. Your hand settles on top of your swollen belly. He’s looking for permission. You want to give it, but what if he’s needed here before he gets back. 

“She’s been off lately. I don’t know why. She won’t talk to me.” Dina seems to sense the silent conversation going on. “I can go after her, but-“

“No, I need to go.” Joel swings back toward the teenager, both hands placed on his hips. You try to bite back the panic rising inside you. He’ll be fine. They’ll both be fine. “Do you know when she left?”

“Probably sometime before the sun came up. Shimmer isn’t in the stable.” 

Joel lets out a ragged sigh, hands running over his face. You try to keep the tears away, your hormones making it difficult. 

“Will you let Maria know I’m going after her? I need to pack.” 

Dina nods, her eyes flickering up to you before she’s gone in a flash of dark curls. Joel turns around, hand resting on the banister at the bottom of the stairs. You swallow and walk back into the bedroom. 

It’s silent at first, nothing but the sounds of draws opening and closing and the soft slaps of his leather saddle bags. You sit in silence at the edge of your bed, chewing on your lip as you watch him. Ellie needs him. It echoes on repeat in your brain. 

“I can probably catch her. We’ll be back in two weeks if I don’t.”

You stare down at your ever growing belly. You could easily be pregnant when he returns, but what if you’re not? You’re fairly certain you’ll have this baby sooner rather than later, but Ellie needs him too.

“Why does she want to go back to Salt Lake?”

Joel freezes for a second, like he’s contemplating his answer. It sets an uneasy feeling in your bones. “I don’t know. Maybe she thinks some of the Fireflies are still there? That this whole cure business is still an option?”

You nod, thoughts drifting to her face when you looked at her blood a couple months ago. She looked desperate. You hadn’t seen her like that before. It was almost unnerving, like the need to be needed by humanity had returned tenfold. It made you wonder if you’d been there for her enough these past few months.

“I have to go after her.”

There’s a desperation you don’t quite recognize in Joel’s eyes, sending a thread of dread through your body. Is he leaving something out? Not telling you something? You nod, biting your lip. “I know.”

He lays his hand on your bump, fingers stretching out over it. “We’ve got time.”

You nod. “Hurry back, and be safe, okay?”

Joel kisses your forehead. “Always.”

He rides out thirty minutes later. 

You try to stay busy while they’re gone, cleaning the clinic and the house thrice over as the nesting and anxiety sets in. You ask Tommy to get the crib out of the attic as you prep the corner of your bedroom for the baby, wiping it free from the dust and cobwebs. 

Maria hosts a small get together for you pulling together some semblance of a baby shower, something you hadn’t had with Carter. It's nice, but you feel like they skirt around the questions nagging in their brains. Where did Ellie and Joel go? Will they be back in time? You don’t have answers. You have the same fucking question. Will they be back? 

The braxton hicks kick up, so much so you think you’re in labor ten days after Joel rides out. The fear that courses through your body is so paralyzing that you just lay in bed. Your body tenses with the memory’s of Carter’s labor. It’s not the physical pain of it, but the emotional rollercoaster you went through, alone. You’re not supposed to do this alone this time.  

Then, the contractions stop with no explanation and you fall into a restless sleep. You miss Joel, his warmth and comfort. His unspoken love that fills the room. You’re becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. 

You miss Ellie too, worried about what she’s going through. Providing it’s still vacant, Salt Lake won’t hold any answer for her. What lengths will she go to? How many miles will she travel in search of answers you believe don’t exist? How will she handle reality? 

You see the differences in Carter too. In his mind, Ellie and Joel have always been here. Two weeks without them feels like a lifetime to him, and to you. 

On day twelve, your front door flies open as you come down the stairs. Ellie bursts through looking frantic and frazzled. Her short cropped hair sticks up in certain places. Dirt smudges her forehead. You’re too relieved to see her to worry about her appearance. If anything, it’s expected after two weeks of travel, but your relief is short lived. 

“Did you know?” She yells. The door stays wide open behind her, rage flaming in her eyes. 

“What?” 

“Did you know?”

“Know what?” You step toward her, reaching out, but she backs away like a wild animal.

“He killed them! All of them!” 

“Killed who? Ellie, take a deep breath.”

“Joel! He killed the fireflies! They had a cure!”

Your breath catches. It’s not that Joel has killed people. You know about the years he spent as a raider. You know the cost of surviving in this world, but this isn’t the story you have been told about Salt Lake. When you asked him why she would go back, he lied. He knew. Knew the story hadn’t lined up in Ellie’s mind. 

“So he lied to you too!”

“Ellie!” Joel is stern as his frame fills your doorway. 

She spins around, the week of silence she spent next to him on the road back, wrath bubbling over and focused on him. “Tell her! Tell her, Joel!” She steps toward him. “Tell her what you did!” She shoves against his shoulders. 

“Ellie…” He repeats her name, softer this time. 

“Don’t do that!” She turns back to you, tears streaming down her cheeks. “They were going to make a cure from me, and you stopped them! You slaughtered them!”

“They were going to kill you!”

Your eyes widen, and it makes sense. Why Joel hasn’t talked about it. Why he needed to go after her. Why Ellie feels so useless. She’d been promised the cure. He’d taken that from her with a facade of an excuse.

“You should have let them!” Ellie screams until she pushes past him, rushing out of your house. 

Joel lets out a sigh, defeat evident across his features. You can’t even enjoy their homecoming, their safety, your head spinning too much. 

Joel shuts the door behind him, stepping closer like he’s expecting an embrace, but you step back, a mother’s anger building in your bones. He looks surprised. “Sweetheart…”

“You lied to her.”

“I protected her.” Joel’s eyes narrow. He’s tired and irritable. Neither of you expected a fight to ensue the moment he got home. “And I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“You’ve watched her struggle with this for years!” 

“They were going to kill her!”

“Have you listened to anything she’s said?” 

You almost don’t recognize the Joel in front of you. He looks like a shell of the assured, warm man you know. You wonder if this is the version of Joel Tommy used to speak of. The one Joel has told you about during those late night chats when you spilled the depths of yourselves to each other, or you thought you had. The one who floated through his days, barely living. 

“I couldn’t lose her!” 

“Except you did!”

Joel straightens, shoulders setting in denial. “She’s alive! That’s what matters.”

“You’re missing the point!”

“You’re saying I should have let them go ahead with it! Let them cut open her head for a cure you don’t believe is possible!” 

Fire blazes in Joel's eyes. You see it. There’s no rationalizing with him about this. In his eyes, there were no choices to be made. He did the only thing. It doesn’t matter what else he has to sacrifice, she’s alive and that’s all that matters. “That’s not-”

He scoffs, cutting you off. You see the pain and hurt ripple through his body, causing him to step back from you. “Sure sounds like it.”

“Joel!”

“Don’t.” He yanks the front door open. “I can’t be here right now.” 

He disappears across the threshold in the blink of an eye leaving you with a mountain to process and a growing tension across your stomach.

Joel knows he’s in the wrong. He knows he shouldn’t have lied to Ellie, held the truth from you. He’s a grown man, of course he knows what’s right and wrong, but that admittance doesn’t do anything to calm him. He needs to get out. Out of the house. Out of the walls into the open. It doesn’t matter that he just came from two weeks out there. 

He sneaks over the wall with more ease than he should be able. Instantly, he feels the tightening in his chest begin to ease. He paces the outside of the wall like a caged animal, the series of events reeling through his mind. He doesn’t realize how much he’s been pushing it back since they left Salt Lake. Her words, her pleas, over and over. She’d given him every opportunity to tell her the truth and he kept the lie going. 

There was no cure. The words he’d utter to her after they found that couple, one dead the other infected while out on patrol. 

He’d almost told her, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose her. Couldn’t risk it.  

His pacing becomes more frantic as he remembers the fear he felt at the thought of losing Ellie, the fear that pushed him into wiping away every firefly that crossed his path. The same fear that put lies in his mouth before he had time to think, that kept him from telling her the truth. He knew this would happen one day, but hadn’t been enough. He’d kept it from everyone, including you. 

Tell me, she had pleaded with him, begged him and he still felt the pull to replace his lie with another. 

She’d had to poke and prod to get the words from his mouth. Had to threaten to leave before she got the truth. That hurt almost as much as the fallout. Everyone thought he was a better man than he actually was. Ellie, you, himself, but when it came down to it. He failed that test. Good men don’t make someone threaten to leave to get the truth. 

I’ll go back, but we’re done.

Joel wears a path in the fresh grass beneath his feet, letting the spring chill take over when the sun sets, leaving him in darkness. Ellie had kept her word. He’d never heard her stay quiet for so long. The loss had begun to settle in with her riding next to him. 

Joel’s muscles ache from two weeks out on the road. He misses you and Carter. He hasn’t even touched you yet. Will you let him? 

Getting over the wall from the outside proves more difficult than it had the first time. Which is a good thing, but had Joel feeling every one of his 59 years. Embarrassment creeps over his cheeks with each step toward your home. The one he shares with you, but he feels like a guest as he climbs the steps. He doesn’t catch a glimpse of you or Carter or anyone else through the windows. 

The house is silent when he enters, no signs of life except for the faint buzzing of light bulbs. His brow furrows. You wouldn’t have left the lights on if you weren’t home. Then a faint sound comes from upstairs, movement at the very least. He follows it, placing his hand on the closed bedroom door before cracking it open. 

Soft groans come from behind the cracked bathroom door followed by a whispered curse. Maria's voice follows. Joel’s throat drops into his stomach. His boots echo off the wood floor as he crosses the room. “Sweetheart?” he calls, staying on his side of the door. “Is everything alright?”

“Joel? Get in here,” you groan out. 

It sends some reassurance through him to hear you so clearly before he swings the door open. His eyes go wide at the sight of you in the tub, sweat staining your skin as Maria kneels next to you. “Shit, are you?”

“Make yourself useful and hold my hand.” 

He nods, kneeling beside you. Maria stands, grabbing a few instruments from the bathroom sink, she gives Joel a look that lets him know you’re near the end of labor. Your baby will be here in minutes. It sends a rush through him. “I’m sorry, Darlin.”

You grab onto his hand tightly. It’s wet from the bathwater sloshing around you as you fight to get comfortable. It’s a useless pursuit, but it doesn’t keep you from trying. “Can we do the apologizing later? I’m kinda busy at the moment.” 

“Yes,” Joel takes a deep breath, his heart pounding in his ears. He squares his shoulders next to you, giving an air of assurance you know he doesn’t have. “I’m here for whatever you need.”

“I think you missed most of it.”

“Not that you’ve had much to miss,” Maria says, stern. She pissed at him, which is more than fair given everything. You’d had some time to explain what happened. “We tried to find you. Her labor progressed pretty quick.”

“Speaking of which-” You let out a gasp, face twisting in pain. “I think the baby is crowning.”

“She must be in a hurry,” Joel says. 

“She?” 

“Just a hunch.” Joel smiles, kissing your head.

For the next few minutes, the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Your fight never happened because there’s only one thing on your minds, bringing your baby into the world. The world goes silent again, but not in a bad way. A way that makes you feel at peace, Joel’s warm hand in yours. It doesn’t take long until she announces her arrival with a fiery scream once Maria pulls her out of the water. 

You hold her close, tears of relief gathering in your eyes. Joel leans in, his forehead pressed to your temple, arms wrapping around you and your daughter as she pulls air into her lungs. 

“You did great, Sweetheart.” He whispers into your hair as he kisses your cheek, cupping your daughter’s head. “She’s beautiful.”

Your eyes flicker between him and your newborn. It’s the moment you’ve been envisioning for months, the one you thought you’d get with Gabe when Carter was born. A little piece of you mends. Your child soothes against your skin. 

After you’re both cleaned up, Joel helps you into bed, then settles beside you. She sleeps in your arms, tiny fist clenched around one of Joel’s fingers still curled up in your softest bath towel. You brush her cheek softly. 

“I believe we decided on Willa Peace?”

“Did we?” You tilt your head to the side, a grin verging on your lips. “I thought we weren’t hippies.”

Joel shrugs, tracing your shoulders. “I had a lot of time to think about it the past couple of weeks.”

“Joel…”

Dirt still traces over his face. He hasn’t had time to clean off since he got back. You catch the faint smell of sweat on his clothes and skin. “I know.”

“I would have done the same thing to save her. You know what I think about cures.” You keep your gaze on your child. It only reminds you what you brought her into. “You lied to her over and over when she needed the truth.”

“I was trying to protect her.”

“I wish you would’ve told me.”

“I know.”

“This only works if we’re open with each other.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” You bite your lip. “I’m going to need some time with this one.”

Joel nods, arm wrapping around you. “I know.”

You lean into him, enjoying the quietness that surrounds the three of you.

“Willa Peace Miller,” You smile. “Has a nice ring to it.”

“Yeah.” Joel hums beside you. “Can’t believe she’s actually here.” 

“And we’re both okay.”

He nods, and neither of you can tear your eyes away from the precious little being in your arms. You hang on every rise and fall of her chest, everything micro movements, the soft flutter of her eyes that never quite open. It all feels so fragile, so sacred. 

You remember similar moments with Carter. When the grief and the world got too loud, you would lay on the floor or bed with him on your chest asleep. The weight of his small body was a tether that kept you from flying away. 

Even in this moment, as your heart inexplicitly expands, you feel that thread of fear winding itself through your body. Another person to love and protect. Another person to keep from the jaws of the world. Another person you can’t bear to lose. 

“You know,” you say, pulling Joel’s attention. “If you were ever gonna pull those baby clothes and blankets out of your drawer, now would be the time.”

His brow furrows and then eases with realization. “How long have you known they were there?”

You let out a soft chuckle. “I washed them the next time you went out on patrol. I wasn’t going to leave those filthy things in your drawer.”

“You were going through my things, I see.”

“Next time don’t try to hide something in your drawer from the person who washes your clothes.” 

Joel laughs, easing out of the bed to fetch the items from the drawer. “Got it, I’ll be sneakier next time.”

“Can you get the onesie with the yellow flowers?” You bite back a smile. He doesn’t know how you often pulled the drawer open and just gazed upon the items. It helped you visualize it all even when the fear threatened to take over. Another child, and here she was. You’d been most drawn to the little yellow flowers. 

Joel laughs, grabbing the onsie and the swaddle with little yellow flowers to match. You’re gentle with her as you work the small article of clothing over her tiny body. It’s a bit baggy, but you can’t complain. It just means she can wear it for longer. She sleeps through all the jostling as if she’s fully absorbed her middle name. 

She’s settled back into your arms when a soft tap echoes on your door. “Mommy?” Carter’s voice comes through muffled. 

“You can come in.”

The door flies open as your son bursts through the door, grin spread wide on his face. Ellie stands behind him, looking like the space might envelope her.

 “Aunt Maria said I have a baby sister.” 

“You want to meet her?” you ask. 

Carter nods eagerly, dashing toward your bed. Joel catches him before he can jump onto the bed beside you and potentially on you. 

“Daddy!” Carter’s eyes go wide. He hasn’t seen Joel in almost two weeks. 

Joel laughs, arms tightening around the boy. “Hey, bud.”

Your eyes meet Ellie’s. Her eyes are red, bags deep underneath. You motion her next to you. She hesitates before sliding onto the bed beside you. She’s timid, keeping to the edge, eyes flicking over you and Willa. 

“You can get closer.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I never got to hug you earlier.” 

She looks down, eyes scanning over your comforter like she’s reliving her homecoming. Once she’s close enough, your arm slips around her shoulders, tugging her close. She nuzzles into your side like a child seeking comfort. “You’re alright?” she asks.

“Yeah… we both are.” You say, kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“But I’m still sorry you’re going through this.”

Ellie seems to sink into your further, eyes pinned to Willa. She doesn’t answer you. She doesn’t look at Joel as he sinks next to you with Carter, but you feel her tense when he does. 

“What’s her name?” Ellie asks. 

“Willa,” you reply. 

“Baby Willa.” Carter grins proudly. 

And the five of you sit there together in silence. You try to push it out of your head that it’s the last time you all might be together for a while. Even now, you feel the underlying anger rolling through Ellie’s body. This is a wound that’s been festering. It’s going to take time to heal. 

Eventually, Ellie slips from your side without a word to leave. She’s barely out the door when Joel goes after her. 

“Ellie,” Joel says, catching her on the front porch.

Her head whips around, expression set in stone. “I’m here for them, not you.” She keeps her voice low to not be overheard by nosy neighbors. “They’re my family. Do you understand?” 

Joel’s apology catches in his throat. He’s been apologizing the whole way back from Salt Lake. He knows there’s nothing he can say to rush this process. He made a decision, and these are his consequences. “Yeah… I got it.”

“Good.” 

She doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else.  

The bed is empty next to you, the sheets cool to the touch. Your eyes blink open. Cool moonlight shines through the window. You glance at the bathroom door. No light shines through the crease. Joel’s name is on your lips, interrupted by his voice. 

“Do you like the butterflies?” 

You turn to your side. Joel sits next to the crib, talking to Willa. She’s awake, moonlight reflecting off her big eyes. She’s content and still. 

“Your big sister liked butterflies. When they come out in the summertime, I feel her around me.”

She stares at Joel, mesmerized by his voice. Your eyes float upward to the mobile Joel made. He hadn’t explained it to you, but you already knew. Sarah had pinned them all throughout their Austin home. You keep one stuck to the window above the kitchen sink. There’s one tucked in his nightstand drawer. 

“I think she sent you to me.” He lets it sit there, contemplating the weight and depth of what he said. “I think she sent you to me, your momma, Ellie, I suppose she’s your big sister too, Carter. All of you.

“Her name was Sarah. She would have loved you.” He chuckles. “She used to ask me for a baby brother or sister. I didn’t know your momma yet… Well, I guess I did, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

You stifle a laugh unsuccessfully. Joel’s eyes lock on yours. He smiles, shooting you a wink. He looks younger under the moonlight, more at ease. The creases in his skin are less apparent. 

“Your momma, she’s quite a bit younger than me.” The smile stays pinned to his face. “It’s not so creepy now- least that’s what she tells me- but it would’ve been then, and I was a decent fella back before the world went to shit. Besides, between you and me.” He leans closer to Willa’s ear, but his eyes are still on you. “Your momma had a pretty big crush on me back then.”

You groan, heat flushing your cheeks. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is. You chuck his pillow at him. Joel catches it, laughing. It’s the kind that sits deep in one’s chest and bubbles up with the purest kind of joy. You can’t help but smile. 

He slowly stands, grunting as he does. You hear the familiar pop of his joints. He leans into the crib. You notice Willa’s eyes have fallen shut. “I love you, my little wildflower.” He kisses her cheek before falling back into bed next to you. 

His arm wraps around your waist. Pulling you close, he steals a kiss on your forehead. “I’m getting too old to sit on the floor like that.”

“You’re getting too old to have a newborn, yet here we are.” Your fingers run through his hair. 

“Still can’t believe she’s here… you’re both healthy.”

“Neither can I.” You glance back at the crib. She’s just a few days old and already, you can’t imagine life without her. 

Tears well at the corner of your eyes. Your heart has grown so much. You thought you couldn’t open it to more people, yet here you are. The you of 4 years ago would be too terrified of losing this life to give it a chance, the price of pain too high. Yet here you are, embracing it, taking that risk, because this is living, and the love and belonging far outweigh the potential for pain even as it grows with every passing day. You fell into the trap,and it’s a crowded one, but it’s a happy one. 

Joel kisses your cheek. “You should get some sleep before she wakes up hungry.” 

“Mmm,” you hum as his hands move soothingly over your back. “Someone not named Willa woke me up.”

Joel chuckles. “I’m sorry, Sweetheart.”

But even now you feel your eyelids getting heavier. 

“Did you mean what you said?”

“About?”

You let your eyes fall shut as Joel massages out a knot in your back. You lean into it. “About Sarah sending us to you.”

“I did.” He kisses your forehead. 

Taglist: @pedrotonin @amyispxnk @joeldjarin @ilovepedro @justagalwhowrites

@missladym1981 @jessthebaker @annieispunk @ashleyfilm @moel-jiller

@eloquentdreamer @lizzie-cakes @hiroikegawa

[skullytotheark]

Timothy Wright “Masky”

For beginners and people who want accurate/canonical lore

[i spent an hour writing about tim lore so i said fuck it and decided to post]

[NOTE: Alot of this is canon Tim lore except for headcanon stuff, The Original source for Tim is Marble Hornets.]

-

Bio

Name: Timothy Wright 

Current Age: 35 [late 20s when marble hornets ends]

Height: 5’6

Canonical Physical appearance: Timothy Wright is a slightly chubby build man with noticeable stubble and sideburns along with a combover hairstyle

Tim’s overall personality: Tim is a level-headed, cautious person, but he is not afraid enough of his advisories for them to disable him. Tim can also be socially awkward at times but tends to be calm a lot of the time

Canonical sexuality: Asexual [Confirmed by Tim Sutton]

Original source material: Marble Hornets [2009]

Creator: THAC TV [The Marble hornets crew], Troy Wagner, Joseph Delage [Writers of marble hornets] and Tim Sutton [Actor of Timothy Wright]

-

Lesser known facts

Tim’s final words to Brian who is revealed to be Hoody in entry 86, Were “I’ll Kill you”

When Jay is reading Tim’s files in entry 60.5, There is a noticeable detail in the documents that says “Does patient smoke” or something of this nature and it is ticked “Someone in the house smokes,” Implying that one of his family members smoke and this habit soon grew onto him

In entry ######, The person speaking throughout the video is confirmed to be Tim [the actor], Which Means that this is the first and last time where Masky has spoke

Tim was going to college originally wanting to do photography [confirmed by Tim or Troy]

Despite popular belief, Masky / Tim is not a proxy. This being confirmed from the multiple times both Masky & Hoody constantly avoid or run away from the Operator / Slenderman. 

After we are led to believe the worst when Marble Hornets ended [believing that Tim offed himself]. Skully in issue 3.5 from the official Marble Hornets comics confirms that Tim is in fact Still alive. This statement is also made true in the canceled Clear Lakes 44 series by Troy Wagner when we see footage of Tim returning to a normal life and working moving supplies 

OOC fact that i think more people should probably know about: The Cheesecake joke is a fatphobic joke made via the creepypasta fandom along with other viewers who would make negative remarks towards Tim's weight, Tim later develope a eating disorder because of the constant insults he got about his weight

-

[Canon] Important events & Lore for Tim

[For people who don't wanna sit through the entire series and kinda want it summarized through]

[NOTE: make note that I will be updating certain points if they are incorrect lorewise since alot of this is based off of my own interpretations and memories of the marble hornets series]

Tim’s childhood:

At First Timothy Wright was a very normal lad, Although socially awkward and having a slightly shaky relationship with his mother and father, Tim was considered a normal child. However It is when Tim is 8 to 12 this is when he’s beginning to experience symptoms that are under the hallucination and schizophrenia category. After multiple visits to the doctor his mother “Janet Wright” finally decides to send Tim to the local psychiatric ward where he is further treated by the doctors within the ward, But no matter what they’ve tried it seem that every now and then Tim will have a episode where he breaks out of the ward and run into the local park rosswood national park or hide in a maintenance tunnel which was close to the ward. Always claiming that he was hiding from whatever that he was seeing before bringing him back and locking Tim into his room and giving him large doses of his medication. 

College:

A Couple Of Years Later, [around early 2000s] Tim is released into the world and is stable enough to go to college and get proper education, Tim originally studied for photography however it is when his close friend “Brian Thomas” introduces Tim to “Alex Kralie”, Brian was originally auditioning for Alex’s student film “Marble Hornets” but soon Tim was somewhat pressured  into auditioning himself. Alex takes note of both of the two’s auditions and later hires them for his student film. Everything started off very tame, The cast would often go off to small locations and film for the movie until later on Alex seemingly becomes more paranoid and slightly aggressive towards his cast. While location hunting with Alex Tim takes him to an old abandoned location near his psychic ward he spent as a child, However after Alex pestered him about the ward Tim soon unwillingly showed him the ward where Alex later attempted to kill Tim. Tim narrowly escapes Alex and although Tim had no memory of this encounter Tim & Alex soon loose touch

Mid Marble Hornets:

[#54 to #59]

In the early 2010s Having no memory of most of the filming during Marble Hornets, Tim was now living a somewhat stable life with a small job. Everything seemed surprisingly normal in life until one of Brian’s Mutuals “Jay Merrick” requests a few of the tapes Tim had that he was given to by Alex so he can use some of the scenes to finish the Marble Hornets Film Alex was working on. Tim gives the tapes to Jay and Jay asks Tim to take him to one of the locations him and Alex visited to, Although slightly skeptical Tim agrees and takes him to the abandoned location. Jay strangely having a weird fixation on the abandoned ward next door to the location Tim originally took Jay to, While roaming within the halls Jay notices a hooded figure roaming down the halls and chases after him. Very suspicious of Jay’s behavior after this encounter, Tim discovers the “Marble Hornets Youtube Channel” and realizes that Jay was lying to him about wanting to finish the film. Tim confronts Jay in a parking lot and tells Jay to never talk to him again. However Tim’s medication was stolen by the Hooded figure that appeared in the ward and Tim has a seizure, When it ended Tim didn’t seem like his regular self as he dawns a mask from the hooded figure before entering rosswood park, Jay following the two in an attempt to help Tim while he was in this strange autopilot like state where Tim is extremely hostile and non talkative.

Masky: “A Mask Of My Own Face”

[Appearances:#18, #19, #23, #33, #35, #45  #50, #52, #61, #76 and # 86]

Originally appearing in entry 18, This strange state Tim appears in every now and then where Tim is mute and often hostile to most People. A possible Theory is that this State is the body’s self defense mechanism for an entity known as the Operator who has haunted Tim all of his life and is the possible reason he spent most of his childhood in a psychiatric ward in the first place. As mentioned this mechanism seemingly puts the body in an autopilot like state where Tim acts without second thought. The Hooded Figure seemingly knew this and exploited Tim’s defense mechanism to have Tim attack Alex multiple times, During one of these attacks Tim attacked Alex [who was visiting an abandoned location with Jay] wearing a white Mask that had black outlines going around the edge of the mask, Black teardrop shaped outlines going around the mask’s eyeholes, U shaped eyebrows and lips painted onto the white mask with black sharpie or paints. During this attack Alex tied Tim and had Jay hold him down before Alex smashed and broke Tim’s leg with a block of cement [this action from Alex caused conflict between him and Jay]. In another attack with Alex the hooded man distracted Alex as Tim got the upper hand and threw Alex to the ground, Tim then tries to smash Alex’s head in with the Rock but fails so attempts to choke him. However this attack failed and the two ran off when they noticed that the Operator was protecting Alex.

“The End Days”

[#63 to 83]

Towards The End. After Jay and Tim make an agreement to help each other, The Two begin going location to location in attempts of finding any pieces to the puzzle Jay has been trying to solve for years now, In attempts to avoid Alex the two would go hotel to hotel while constantly going to new locations slowly but surely piecing things together. During this Time Tim and Jay form a small friendship between each other while also sharing possible theories to what happened during marble hornets, Such as Where to find a missing person named Jessica Locke and why Alex did all of this. However things take a turn when Jay and Tim are attacked by the Operator while searching at Alex’s old house, This attack sending Jay in a state where he is barely aware of his surroundings and aimlessly wandering. Of course Tim tries to lessen the side effects from this attack by giving Jay some of his medication however Jay is very stubborn and seemingly refuses any help while in this state. A short while later when Tim and Jay discover that Alex was hiding in Tim’s house waiting for Tim to come back so he could kill Tim and hopefully Jay, A small argument sparked between the two about whether they should go to the house or not, They soon go to Tim’s house to learn that Alex was kidnapped by the hooded man and is holding him at a abandoned school. However Jay soon attacked Tim and snatched a tape recording that Tim was hiding from him, Jay leaves and watches the tape to find that the hooded man and Tim [while in autopilot state] abducted Jessica possibly in an attempt to drag her out of the whole marble hornets mess, The three go to Rosswood park only for Alex to attack them, Jessica defends herself from Alex when realizing Alex was the threat and not the two masked men before retreating in the forest only for the Operator to abduct her. Learning the contents within the tape only caused conflict to spiral between Tim and Jay when Jay pinned the blame on, Jay attempts to attack Tim but Tim disarms and ties Jay up, informs he’s going to the abandoned shool and leaves Jay at his house. While Tim was having a coughing fit moments after he exits the school and runs to his car he hears a loud gunshot, He recollects himself to find Jay’s camera which shows that Alex shot Jay and in response lock himself in a room only for the Operator to kidnap Jay. Upon learning about this Tim pins the blame on both Alex and the hooded man, A few days later Tim and the hooded man have a fight that led to the Hooded man falling out of the window and to his death. Leaving only Tim and Alex left,

“The Day, The Music Died"

[2014]

In the final days, Tim and Alex was teleported to different locations Tim has been to during marble hornets, The two often exchanging blows to each other while Tim attempts to persuade Alex into stopping this madness, However Alex believes that everyone he had killed was infected with a sickness and that if he hadn’t kill them the sickness would spread, Tim’s counter argument to this is that Alex was only being used by The Operator as a source of power. However when Alex finally gets a grip on Tim, Tim stabs Alex in the neck before stabbing him multiple times in defense. Ending the madness, A few days later Tim was last seen interacting Jessica who was revealed to be alive until Tim suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth. 

-

Personal Headcanons

Tim often avoids wearing clothing that he wore during marble hornets, Especially his Tan jacket he wore as Masky.

Tim sometimes gets recognized as the “Masky guy from That one web series”, A Lot of the time he tends to avoid interacting with people who recognized him since what happened during Marble Hornets greatly scarred and traumatized him. But every now every than he kinda has a small outburst where he basically says “Don’t talk to me or bring that shit up” before storming off

Tim often spots Skully in the distance watching him, Skully is the walking and breathing embodiment of everything and everyone he wants to forget but no matter how hard he tries Skully just seems to find them, Alot of the time he tends to ignore them but recently Skully has been standing in places where they are more noticeable so Tim can see Them, But whenever Tim asks if anyone saw Skully they don’t know what he’s talking about. He’s not even sure if Skully is real at this point.

The Operator doesn’t seem to stalk Tim as much as he expects, The Operator in fact barely follows him anymore due to the lack of conflict Tim has been involved him, Basically meaning that Tim is semi free from this parasitic worm clinging onto him and using him as a source for violence. But of course Tim doesn’t know this and is still extremely paranoid.

Tim finally is doing his original passion which is photography. He often tends to avoid going into wooded areas but every now and then he notices that sometimes his photos contain a bluejay in the background which, Sometimes saddens him but mostly makes him feel better. Tim usually takes photos of small flowers and places that often have beautiful scenery 

Tim has a job in repairing computers and getting rid of viruses on old people’s computers. But 99% of the time he’s standing at the cash register having old people ask weird and specific questions about the camera models they’re buying, Sometimes he wonders if working at mcdonalds is better but he does like getting paid

Proxy Tim AU

In this canon/au where Tim is working as a Proxy, Tim is seemingly hypnotized into working for The Operator. But little does the Operator know Tim is slowly but surely slipping out of his puppet like state

Alot of the time Tim hates interacting with other proxies, They’re so loud and honestly so disgusting. Tim is a regular guy amongst a crowd of killers who get their kicks off of killing innocent people just because this eldritch like being tells them to. He kinda finds them pathetic… 

Tim despises himself for working for the Operator, Tim thought he couldn't hate himself anymore but he has proven himself wrong yet again. He’s becoming more and more unphased by being told what to do by the Operator and it scares him. He doesn’t want to become like Alex but it seems that there’s no stopping that now. 

Tim’s original mask has seen better days. Every now and then he does attempt to clean it but staples and glue can't do a lot when your mask was crushed by a bunch of junk after you throw it away. So eventually Tim does get a fresh mask which has slightly smaller eyeholes and more pronounced lips then the last one but overall both masks have the same paint job, Also worth mentioning that Tim dons a new fur collar jacket and black leather/plastic gloves 

[euphreana]

The Shape of Truth - Chapter 10: Fog

Masterpost

-

Ambrosius couldn’t move. He wanted to rub the itch in his eye, but something was holding him still. He cracked his eyes open slowly. An unfamiliar ceiling greeted him, followed by unfamiliar walls, and when he looked around, an unfamiliar bedroom - like his dorm, but devoid of personal belongings and even smaller.

He tried to move again, but in vain. The bed he was laying on had him strapped down.

“What… why…” he mumbled. His thoughts were slow and sluggish. He couldn’t remember why he was here.

Just then, the bedroom door opened and a man wearing scrubs stepped inside. He gave a friendly smile.

“Oh good, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

Ambrosius heard himself mumble something about being unable to move.

“Let’s fix that.” The man walked over and started undoing the restraints holding him in place.

“Why… was I…”

“Just a precaution.” The man said, then helped him sit up.

Ambrosius finally got to rub the itch from his eye. It was then he noticed he was wearing a loose gray shirt and pants. That was odd - he didn't remember owning anything grey.

“What happened?” Ambrosius asked groggily.

“You don’t remember?”

“No…”

“Well it should come back to you once you get moving. Come on.”

The man walked Ambrosius out of the room and into a hallway, then down several other halls to what seemed to be an office. There was a friendly-looking woman behind the desk who offered him a comfortable chair across from her.

“What is this?” Ambrosius asked as he sat down. The man in scrubs remained standing behind him.

The woman smiled.

“You’re in the psychiatric ward. Just until we can be sure you aren’t a danger to yourself or others.”

Ambrosius blinked. His thoughts took a moment to register.

“But… I’m not crazy.”

“No Ambrosius, you’re not. But you’ve had a psychotic episode and we need to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

Ambrosius stared in confusion. The woman moved a holographic screen into her field of view.

“It says here that you tried to attack The Director, then continued to fight despite orders to stand down. Do you remember that?”

Ambrosius’s memory returned slowly, like a train crashing in slow motion.

“… The Director killed the queen.” He mumbled. “I was going to arrest her.” He felt like that should be a big deal, but at the moment he felt nothing.

The woman behind the desk typed something on a screen off to the side.

“What made you think The Director killed the queen?”

“She had Bal’s sword in her office. And a paper with the email on it.”

“Email?”

“The email she used to order the blaster sword. It was all there in the cabinet.” Cabinet? Or drawer? Why couldn’t he think clearly?

“It says here that you brought the sword with you into the office.”

“No… it was there the whole time. In a drawer. There was a secret button.”

The woman said nothing in reply. She just kept typing.

“I have other evidence she did it. Right…” He reached for his pocket, where the invoice would have been, only to remember he no longer had his clothes from before. The invoice was gone. His phone was gone. The packet of Bal’s ashes was gone. Ambrosius felt a burst of anxiety at the realization.

The woman spoke.

“You’ll get your things back when you leave.”

“But… that was my evidence.”

“What evidence?”

Ambrosius found himself reciting his day to the woman behind the desk. He told her about Meredith. He told her about Nimona. He told her about how he’d tried to save Ballister’s life the day before and failed. It all just tumbled out of him.

“I was so close to saving him…” Ambrosius mumbled, “But I wasn’t fast enough. And now he’s dead. And it’s all my fault.”

The woman stopped typing for the first time since he’d started talking.

“His death wasn’t your fault, Ambrosius. Ballister alone was responsible for his actions. The consequences were simply carried out.”

“… But he was innocent. I could have saved him.”

“He confessed to the murder himself.”

“That wasn’t him!” Ambrosius blurted out, lurching forward in frustration. He heard the man in scrubs shift his feet, as if ready to pounce.

The woman sighed.

“I know you want to believe he was innocent. I do too. But everyone saw him shoot the queen, and the confession was vetted. He was mentally ill. If we’d only caught it before all this happened, things would have been different.”

Ambrosius leaned back in his chair, jaw clenched, willing the tears in his eyes to go away. That couldn’t be right… Ballister had seemed fine before… hadn't he?

The woman continued.

“As for your pink friend - is she in the room with us now?”

Ambrosius blinked.

“No… she isn’t made-up. She was real. Someone else saw her too - a guy from the archives.” he held a hand up. “He was real too, I swear!”

The woman went back to typing. Ambrosius leaned forward desperately.

“Find Meredith Blitzmeyer - she saw Nimona!”

“This Meredith Blitzmeyer?” The woman pushed a screen between them with a scan of a document on it. It was a death certificate. With Meredith’s name. Cause of death: fire.

Ambrosius stared at the screen.

“That isn’t right… I saw her earlier today.”

“Ambrosius, she died the day before the knighting. You probably saw her name listed on the news.”

Ambrosius shook his head. “No… they got the wrong person. They had to have.”

There was a long silence while the woman continued to type at her computer. Finally, she sat back and looked at him.

“Hallucinated events aren’t an unheard-of occurrence. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and Ballister’s treason and execution were no doubt traumatic experiences for you. Sometimes when the mind can’t cope with its load, it creates its own reality. Nimona and Blitzmeyer were just that - a mentally easier explanation for why things went the way they did.”

Ambrosius wanted to protest that Nimona and Blitzmeyer hadn’t made things any easier, but the woman continued.

“I’m prescribing an antipsychotic and scheduling some talk therapy sessions. Let someone know if you see Nimona or Blitzmeyer again. Hopefully with time, you’ll be fit enough to return to duty.” When Ambrosius didn’t respond, she added, “We want to help you, Ambrosius.”

Ambrosius only stared at her in shocked silence. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t have imagined the entire day’s events. He wasn’t crazy… he wasn’t…

The man in scrubs placed a gentle yet firm hand on Ambrosius’s shoulder.

“Come on. I’ll show you back to your room.”

~ ~ ~

That evening passed in a blur. Ambrosius didn’t know what to think, once his head cleared and he could think. Nimona had to have been real - he’d reached out and touched her multiple times. And Meredith had jolted him with her electrified umbrella… unless he really was sick in the head like everyone was saying.

Dinner came, and along with it, the medication the woman behind the desk had ordered. Ambrosius didn’t want the pills, but the staff told him to take them if he wanted to be given any food. Reluctantly, he took them.

Everything seemed to slow down. His thoughts slowed again, along with his control of his hands and feet. Walking was slow. Eating was slow. Everything about him was slow, worse than how he’d felt when he’d woken up here. It seemed to have worn off when he woke up the next morning, but with breakfast came a new round of medication and the slowness that followed it.

Ambrosius asked for the invoice that he’d had in his pocket when he’d arrived. That would prove he hadn’t imagined the day with Nimona. The therapist he’d seen the day before told him there hadn’t been an invoice with him, just his phone and the ash packet. He could have them both back when he left, if he behaved. Ambrosius didn’t want to behave. He wanted to find proof that he was right.

He asked for someone to check the secret drawer in The Director’s office. He was sure it would be empty by now, but the fact that it existed would show he was onto something. The therapist didn’t humor him. She only wanted to talk about what subconscious triggers might have made him come up with the previous day’s events. Ambrosius didn’t want to talk about that, but after several sessions, her logic began to make sense. He shouldn’t have been allowed to go through the Arms & Hammer office without a warrant. He could have seen some other person try to bribe the Knightly Storage worker. The Director killing the queen was absurd. And a pink shape-shifter that had never been heard of before? None of it made sense.

Ambrosius didn’t want to believe he’d imagined his day with Nimona. He wanted her to be real. He wanted Ballister to be innocent. Scratch that - he wanted Ballister to be alive. Just wanting it wasn’t making it real though - at least, not in a way that the ward staff would acknowledge.

With nothing else he could do, Ambrosius buried himself in some old novels he found in the communal activity room. He didn’t have the mental energy to do anything else. The other psych ward residents got the cue that he wanted to be left alone, and so they did exactly that.

Ambrosius wished he had the packet of Bal’s ashes with him. That alone would have been some source of comfort amid all that turmoil he felt. Right now it was probably stashed in a plastic box somewhere, alone. Like he was.

The medication continued to be awful. Ambrosius tried skipping meals so he wouldn't have to face the orderly who handed out the pills, but she always caught up with him sooner or later, accompanied by a worker who looked like a bouncer.

Nimona didn’t appear again. The therapist said that was a good thing - it meant he was getting better. Ambrosius said it was because he'd been abandoned - it wasn't like she'd be coming to visit him, if she even knew where he was.

He did get a visitor though; Captain Ironwill, the superior officer who’d told him to take the day off after Bal had died. He was in uniform, but without armor. Somehow that put Ambrosius more at ease. They sat in the activity room, their meeting fully visible to the ward staff.

“How long are they going to keep me here?” Ambrosius asked, not caring who heard him.

“I don’t know.” Ironwill answered, “It depends on how well you’re recovering.”

“I feel fine.” Ambrosius lied.

“I hear you've been trying to get out of taking the medication.”

“Maybe I want to start seeing things again.” He said without thinking.

Ironwill didn’t laugh.

“Ambrosius, more than just your job is on the line. If we can’t prove you were mentally unstable when you attacked The Director, you could be imprisoned.”

Ambrosius stared. The news was like a bucket of ice water in his face. Imprisonment? Him? But… even if he got out, that would disqualify him from knighthood for his entire life! Being a knight was his lifelong goal - before he was born, he’d been destined to be a knight. Everyone in his family line had been. He didn’t know anything else he was good for.

Ambrosius looked down.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Cooperate with the staff. Take the medication. Get grief counseling so you don’t snap again.”

Ambrosius nodded slowly. Ironwill stood up to leave.

“I’ll tell them you’re working toward recovery. You do your part, and maybe they won’t decide you’re permanently unfit for duty. You’re important to the Kingdom, Ambrosius.”

“Captain?”

Ironwill glanced back at him. Ambrosius took a deep breath, working up the courage to ask the question that had been nagging at him.

“The day of the execution… when you told me to take the next day off… did you see a pink cat in my room?”

Ironwill paused.

“There was a cat, but it wasn’t pink.”

Ambrosius grew quiet. Ironwill continued.

“Did you leave it locked in your room?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll have someone check. Anything else?”

Ambrosius shook his head.

Ironwill turned to go.

“May Gloreth make your recovery swift.”

A few seconds later, he was gone. Ambrosius sat at the table, lost in thought.

The cat wasn’t pink, he thought.

Nimona hadn’t been real.

Next chapter

[detentiontrack]

not to be dark but do you think Sasha ever tried to khs (other than the canonical attempt)

YES 1000%. I think it happened after amphibia when even though Anne & Marcy forgave her, she still felt nothing but guilt and emptiness from the sheer trauma going through amphibia + a whole ass war at the age of 13. I think it may have happened in high school because throughout the end of middle school she tried to stay strong for Anne & Marcy (because after all she does take it upon herself to be “the strong one” who doesn’t need any support or love), but after Marcy moved and Anne and her drifted apart, she struggled with the act of being “normal” and having to live life as a normal teenager after everything she’s been through. I think her body started failing her (because there’s literally no way she’s 100% physically unscathed after the injuries and damage she took in amphibia, not even mentioning things like fibromyalgia that develop because of emotional trauma). I also think it may have been the catalyst to her dedicating her life to psychology. She always wanted to help people like her post amphibia, but she never quite knew how to do it. But when she was in the hospital and maybe the psychiatric ward (California has really strict laws on inpatient treatment following a suicide attempt), she started to realize that maybe psychology was the way to go about her need to help people. I don’t think she would have gone to therapy on her own BUT I think going to therapy might have been a requirement for her release from the hospital (as it often is, esp in patients who are minors and esp patients with complex trauma and mood/personality disorders) and as she went to ordered therapy, she realized therapy really helped her and continued going after the hospital ordered time ran out. I think she continues to go to therapy throughout her adulthood (I’m split on whether or not she tells her therapist about amphibia because frogvasion WAS on the news BUT the Marcy journal implies that a few years after people generally think it was a hoax/movie stunt or promo gone wrong so idk if a therapist would take that seriously without sending her back to the mental hospital) but she definitely goes to therapy for her obvious attachment issues and mental illnesses and other traumas (such as her parents divorce and especially because her parents both got into new relationships and left her stranded and alone at a young age). I think she struggles with a long battle with mental illness both pre, during, and post amphibia aaaaand (you didn’t hear it from me because last time I talked about this I almost got canceled) I think there’s a very real possibility that at some point in her life she struggled with substance abuse/addiction or disordered eating/eating disorders due to her need for control, escapism (less than Marcy but it’s still there), self destructive behaviors, and general addictive personality and tendencies.

[salubriwrites-blog]

LycaWise Angst story I'll never publish

I'm part of a LycaWise discord where we all circle jerk and share things we cooked.

After reading someone's little angsty one shot they wrote I was inspired. I'll probably never turn this into a full length story especially cause it was piggy backing off someone else, shout out Dartrickx and would only turn this isn't a full scale story with their permission and collaboration.

So I wanted to post what I had cooked in this feral brainstorm frenzy! (I'm literally copy pasting this from Discord, so it'll be disjointed, feral, and I'm NOT sorry). The story kicked off pretty cute - Lycaon and Wise go on a date where Lycoan proposes. Their romantic evening ends with Lycaon fighting off Ethereals, only to realize that he was somehow drugged during his evening with Wise. The Ethereals he fought did not exist, and the large one he fought was actually Wise. Who now lays dead, at the hands of Lycaon. Hugo Vlad - disguised as their waiter for the evening - had managed to drug Lycaon and has effectively framed the thiren for the death of the Proxy.

Here is my addition to what I think would transpire afterward: When PubSec arrives, all they see is a maddened thiren out of control of himself. Lycaon's defense is paper thin, the blood is on his hands, no one believed that he had been drugged and so there's no proof of Hugo's actions. The best thing they can do for him to avoid a more severe sentence is to plead insanity. He is a Hollow Raider after all, all that Ether corruption had to have an impact on him some how... so they plead insanity to save Lycaon.

So Lycaon pleads insanity, gets sent to a psychiatric prison. Hugo infiltrates it and masquerades as doctors, guards, whatever he needs to be around Lycaon. This causes the staff to panic because he's trying to attack the staff, not a good look for him. As a result the prison isolates him further, muzzles him up, puts him in a high risk ward. Basically only has like, two or three people that he sees at any given time of day (a therapist, a guard, a doctor, that kind of thing). Through a series of manipulations (social and medical), Lycaon starts to lose touch with reality. He becomes convinced that he is beyond redemption. Everyone has forgotten about him; Wise is dead, Belle will never forgive him, VHS had to distance themselves to save face. Hugo is all that remains. This does not happen within months either, mind you. We're talking like, years of Hugo doing this. Until everyone that Lycaon knew stops calling him, stops visiting, stops writing letters. He feels completely forgotten about and the only connection he has to his past is Hugo. Let's say about ~5 years go by. VHS has moved on, Ellen is maybe looking at a change in lifestyle. She works at a catgirl/maid cafe full time now, and gets a visit from a PubSec officer. One of them introduces herself as Zhu Yuan, investigator for NEPS. "Are you Ellen Joe?" They ask. She's suspicious, but confirms her identity. "When was the last time you were in touch with Von Lycaon?" They ask. Panic "Maybe three years ago. Why?" "He's part of an ongoing investigation." "I just said I haven't seen him in years, last I saw him he was in prison for murder. You should know where he is." silence "You… do know where he is, right?"

Ellen finds out that Lycaon escaped his isolation cell and they think he took one of the prison's staff hostage. Now Ellen may not think that he's totally mentally stable, but this is still Von Lycoan, Head Butler of Victoria Housekeeping Services and Hollow Raider we're talking about. He knows how to evade detection, hack any level of security clearance, and skilled in different forms of combat. If Lycaon doesn't want to be found, he absolutely can disappear. So she teams up with PubSec to find Lycaon, putting all of the training he inparted onto her to track him down. Doing her own freelance investigation, Ellen learns the truth about what happened. How Hugo had been there, following Lycaon and Wise, orchestrating the perfect crime with Lycoan at the center of it. She figures out that Hugo has been in that prison the whole time, and that this psycho has been torturing Lycaon all this time. Basically uncovers a whole gross discrepancy in the prison's system. "We'll make this right, but we have to find him before Hugo influences him to do something else" Zhu Yuan promises Ellen as they are closing in on Lycaon's location. Eventually, they find Lycoan and Hugo. They're back in the attic playing house or some weird shit like that. Ellen insists that she be the one to go up first and will call if things go side ways, because the presence of cops might agitate Lycaon. "Remember," Zhu Yuan says to Ellen before she disappears inside. "So long as he doesn't hurt anyone else, we can get his sentence commuted or even cleared. That includes you." "I'll talk some sense into him," Ellen promises. Except- "Boss?" She calls, relying on her senses to penetrate the dark room. Though it was day time, the sun hanging directly over head cast the room in unmoving shadows. Lycaon attacks Ellen, she jams the handle of her pole arm between his teeth to stop him from biting her. He doesn't recognize her anymore, she barely recognizes him. He's gray, gaunt, and wild now. A trace of the regal thiren she knew, he's become something of Hugo's creation. As Hugo is standing over Ellen, giving a monologue about how he's won (because he has to) while Lycaon slobbers and snaps at her face as she holds him off with her pole arm, she manages to reach into her shirt and pull out a necklace, and hanging from the chain is the wedding band. Wise's wedding band.

Lycaon sees it and he freezes up as she says something not very dramatic but to the extent of "You forgot about me, that's fine. I deserve that because I forgot about you first. But you would never forget him." Because it's true, Lycaon could never forget Wise. Even when everyone else forgot about Lycaon, and his love for them turned to bitter resentment turned to nothingness. As Lycaon is having this mental collapse, she beats Lycaon over the head and he blacks out. Now that his weapon is out of commission and no longer a danger, Hugo starts to beg for clemency. Then threatening her. But Ellen Joe is a badass, and she calls in PubSec to take care of him and get Lycaon the help she needs. After that day she promises to never leave his side again. She failed him once already.

Hugo goes away for a long time for the grocery list of crimes hes committed. (Tampering with a crime, 1st degree murder, impersonating law enforcement, aiding and abetting a prisoner's escape, unlawful imprisonment). It takes Lycaon a long time to come back from all of that. Ellen and Corin stick around to help him, Lycoan may never get his job back as an attendant for VHS, but maybe Lily's family rehire him full time. It all comes to a head when Belle forgives Lycaon. So they start penpalling, then phone calling, and finally one day they decide to meet somewhere in person - we're talking years later. When Belle arrives she's older now, and she's not alone. There's a young boy with her that looks sort of like her, and at the sight of Lycoan gets really shy, but she insists that Lycaon is a friend of the family. He knows that this is her son, and recognizes how important it is to her that she introduce an important man in her life back to Lycaon. The trust that they've rebuilt is fragile and all hinges on if this child approves of him or not. "This is my son, baby do you wanna tell him your name?" She asks. "My name is Wise..." He is hesitant to say it, maybe he thinks its stupid, or other kids bully him for it. He doesn't know its significance. Choking back tears, Belle watches as Lycaon gets down on a knee and takes kid Wise's hand and gives him a formal little handshake. He can tell that he's immediately imprinted onto her son, who will now have a bodyguard and best friend for life. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, young master. Your mother and uncle are very dear to me, should you ever need my assistance, I will be at your side at a moment's notice." Kid Wise stares up at him with these big eyes and goes, "Cool… can I touch your tail?"

[bellamer]

Now I have to think about my Survior!Jupe AU because I forgot, that man is probably going to be drowning in legal fees because of course the families of the victims who died to Jean Jacket would sue his ass off and then there’s the chance he could be arrested for idk twenty counts of manslaughter or something. So he’s probably gonna have to spend a little time in jail or a psychiatric ward because after getting his wife, kids, Mary Jo and all of those people killed it would and he was the only one who made it out unscathed (physically not mentally for the second time in his life), it would definitely pile up onto the Gordy stuff and probably result in a complete mental collapse

He then comes to the Haywood’s completely broke because all of his money went to settlements for the victims’ families, and he offers to work for them but not because he absolutely needs the money, but because he actually feels terrible for all of the people who died, including his wife and kids, due to his own stupid actions, and because he lied to OJ about buying back the horses, he only offers to work for a room and meals at the ranch

And at first they obviously don’t trust him but OJ sees how broken he is and decides to put him to work because they need the extra hands since they’re always busy now after Emerald got the picture of Jean Jacket and now everyone wants to book their horses, especially Lucky, for movies, and the only other help they have is Angel.

[reareaotaku]

Yandere! Nancy Thompson Headcanons

Nancy Thompson x Fem! Reader TW: Obsession

You worked at the psychiatric ward that Nancy works at

She was smitten with you when you both met

You know in those cartoons when someone has a crush and the crush turns around and there's hearts and the crush sparkles? That's what it's like for her when she sees you

And then when Freddy threatened you, Nancy lost her mind. She beat the shit out of Freddy, but Freddy still came back

She began to hang around you more and watch you sleep. She just wants to make sure you're okay

She'll give her life if that means you're okay

Freddy's not into women your age, but he does pick on you to test Nancy

He'll even use you to distract and taunt Nancy in her nightmares

You called her Thompson for a long time and each time she says you can call her Nancy

You get irritated with her sometimes, because she treats you like a child that can't take care of themselves

She doesn't mean too, but she's just scared she's going to lose you like she lost Glen. She can't let that happen again

She takes you out to eat as an apology for treating you that way. Almost as if she's trying to make you forget

She has a shrine dedicated to you. Multiple pictures, writing about you, hair ties, etc etc

She also writes about you in her journal

'She looks at me like I am the only woman in the world and my heart bleeds for her. I can only hope she would feel the same, but I know how people with people like us'

She fought her feelings for a very long time, because she saw them as wrong but everytime she sees you, they come out like a volcano and she can't contain it

She won't 'out right' confess to you, but she will drop hints and it will be obvious to everyone around

^ Though no one's going to be stupid enough to say anything

Kristen is actually the one who asks Nancy if she has a crush on you and she tries to play matchmaker and set you both up

The teens think you two are such a cute couple and want to see you both get together so bad

[crushedsweets]

do you perhaps have any or more ticciwork hcs.. like how they are with each other 😊😊 !1!1 idk!! any hcs that has something to do with them together. I heart them

hi anon. i got u . i got u . i got u. this is more how they meet in my au. ill do cutesy headcanons eventually. i tried to break this up into different sections but its kinda long and a lot to swallow ... sorry LOL. it doesnt even get outright shippy/romantic but its cool

OK BACKSTORY

ok so in my au. the operator is what drove toby to kill his dad, and he spent a couple months under the operators influence acting like an entire menace. tim and brian got orders from slender to intercept this, but slender realized toby would follow like a loyal dog after being 'saved'. so proxy toby it is.

clockwork was under the operators influence right before her trip to the psychiatric ward, and it lasted maybe 7 months? luckily for Her, her family's death and her disappearance went relatively under the radar cuz theyre seen 'trailer trash' with no friends/presence in any community. she's fighting to hold down a job since she keeps getting fired for going weeks with no contact.

ok HOW THEY MET

they met because toby was stalking a household that natalie wanted to kill the dad of. natalie would be in the middle of an operator episode, where she's behaving erratically, her eyes were glossed over, she is SIGNIFCANTLY stronger than usual. typically, toby would be much stronger than this lanky malnourished girl, but not that night.

they got into a bit of a tussle that Toby's struggling to win. a light in the house turned on cuz of the noise and toby was like Oh fuck this. and he runs off. the flash of the light kinda disturbed clocky and she half regains her senses and runs off too, but still not fully in control. she doesnt realize that shes following toby, but the operator knows this is another chance to kill one of slender's proxies (plus the operator was in control of toby a year prior, before slender took over).

eventually tobys back on the path to the forest, walking through some rural cornfield area and thinking long and hard about nat. and shes looking for him. shes being insanely fucking creepy and slashing at the corn and bushes (she has a machete now). toby tics, and she yells about how she hears him, etc. he's starting to piece together that shes under the operators influence and hes like 'slenders gonna be so hyped i got him a new proxy' (slender does not want her .)

HOW THEY....became friends..?

he eventually plays a game of cat and mouse and gets her to follow him to the cabin. pretty quickly tim and brian are up and they get her down, duct taped her arms, tied her to a random pipe in the kitchen, and spend some time debating on what to do. shes swapping between screaming, thrashing, foaming at the mouth and just sitting there silently staring off into the void and swaying. eventually she gets out of the episode and she's acting normal, albeit angry and covered in dirt. they get her off the pipe and talk to her.

ive mentioned how slender um kinda grossly leaks an inky liquid.... and it has effects... ok yea drink that and the operator eventually loses control over you. toby kinda explains it to her. in complete desperation and exhaustion, natalie's like "you can fix this ? you can stop the amnesia and waking up in random peoples blood??? you can stop me from going into random fucking cornfields acting like a monster????". toby was like yea:3 SURE CAN

but it hurts. its physically painful, mentally exhausting, it's almost like withdrawal symptoms. It can take a couple weeks to months to finally get the operator off, and multiple doses of the ink. again, tim and brian do NOT live full time at the cabin, so she's left with toby mostly. its really uncomfortable. theyre both awkward assholes. tobys intentionally blunt, natalie grew up with no filter. but toby has this weird complex where he's convinced the boss is gonna be soooo happy that toby did this 'for him.' so he keeps it up.

usually they just kinda coexist.. but tobys on edge all the time. the second she gets weirdly quiet and starts spacing out, toby gets kinda aggressive and starts suggesting he needs to restrain her or some weird shit. they have gotten into another physical fight when she was in another episode, but tim and brian pulled them off of eachother. she rarely remembers it, and toby doesnt bring it up cuz hes embarrassed that natalie is as strong as him when under the influence. but she's ..kinda like a willing prisoner ? she really doesnt wanna be there but she wants to be done with feeling possessed. occasionally she gets really violent and her eyes roll back and she has to be duct taped and locked in a room over night or else she might kill toby. the next morning toby mumbles apologies as he cuts off the tape and rubs her wrists for her. she understands, even if she hates it.

AFTER THE OPERATOR

a couple weeks go by of pain, then a month of normalcy. the operator gets his claws off natalie and she's like. ugh. ok. that fucking sucked ass. fuck you guys. but thanks.

slenderman doesnt want her. she literally doesnt care that he doesnt want her tho LMFAO she didnt want to be a proxy. tobys pissed and is mad at her for like a week even tho its not even her fault. but anyway..

tim hated being around her because 1. it hurts to see a young girl crying and writhing in pain 2. it hurts to see what you used to be like. brians chill, he always fed her, he's brought her some books and stuff.

but, of course, she spent the most time with toby - and they got closer. theyd sit and talk, he'd bring her around the forest, kinda explain a lot of um. The Lore. LOL. toby introduced her to jack, theyve gone swimming together, taught her how to cut down trees, she's drawn him and he's in awe. she loves books and stories but has pretty bad dyslexia, so he read a book out loud for her once. they kinda both poked fun at eachother ('ur stutter is making this annoying' 'at least i can fucking read') and ended up never doing that again LMFAOOO but he started hooking up audio books for her. it was kinda cringe for them both, but a sweet gesture

she finally started working as a waitress/bartender in this underground shady ass bar. the patrons started to love her bc she's tall like a model, long hair, nice voice, witty, has a sharp tongue. fits right in with the grimy atmosphere. toby gets grossed out anytime he comes to visit her/pick her up and middle aged men are saying bye to her. he doesnt know if its jealousy or if its generally just ew. she rightfully complains about it tho so he's like 'heh.... knew it.... she wouldnt want those guys.....' hes so annoying i love him

he helps fix up a nice little barn for her, cuz slender gets riled up anytime she's at the cabin for more than a few days. something something about not wanting a distraction or 'outsiders' there.

but yeah :3

they never end up dating in my lore though. they never even admit having feelings for eachother. nats real good at pushing these things down, and toby just doesnt think its worth it. (plus i want toby to also have a little arc with jack.. LMFAOAOAO SORRY im a ticciwork and ticcijack shipper my bad).

eventually they do stop having feelings for eachother, but everything remains the same. theyre really close. theyre cute. i love them.

thank you anon

[tacticalhimbo]

YALE PSYCHIATRIC - THE TRAGIC CASE OF FATHER JOHN WARD (FAITH: THE UNHOLY TRINITY)

With the new drop of development notes into the GOODIES folder of the game, I wanted to revisit an old analysis I did way back during the era of the Chapter 2 demo.

The long story made short is this: John has an interesting psychology that is backed by the in-game letters and allusions to his hospitalization at Yale Psychiatric. That being said, it isn't really expanded upon because it's not a core element to the plot.

Which, to an extent, can be disagreed with because it is entirely possible that the events of The Unholy Trinity are told through the perspective of an unreliable narrator (John), which then means that some (if not all) events that take place are exaggerated and intensified by John's mental state.

If you ask me, I see the series of events as a blend of details. Demons exist and the cult is very much up to something, but certain things are manipulated to fit a narrative (think, the Martin twins. Amy's mother miscarried, yet John was manipulated into believing the cult had kidnapped the born children for their rituals). I might expand on that another time, but for now, here is my perspective on the characterization of John Ward, and how mental illness plays a significant role throughout the series.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychiatric professional. I do have a degree and spent years studying the intersection between the mental health and correctional systems, but I am not a clinician or an individual with a lot of clinical knowledge. I'm just a guy with too much time on their hands and a tendency to let the autism win (/lh /j). Also, if there are any grammar issues… I know. It was, like, 3 AM when I wrote this, and I don't care to tidy it up more than I have tried to.

With this out of the way, let's dive into it. Below the cut will be spoilers for the game and discussions regarding psychiatric abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

In-game dialog and other citations will be highlighted using small text, as I cannot for the life of me get the indent/blockquote feature to work on desktop.

As of writing this post (January 2023), there are five notes regarding John's admission to Yale Psychiatric after the failed exorcism of Amy Martin. I'm going to transcribe them in order of events, and not in the order they are found. The first note we would see examining John's case file, if he were an actual patient, would be the intake assessment form:

Yale Psychiatric Institute NEW PATIENT INTAKE FORM

Patient Name: Ward, John Thomas

Age: 33 Sex: M Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Assigned Counselor: Spinel, James, PhD

Health Examination Results: Height: 6 feet 2 inches Weight: 185 lbs HR: 92 bpm Blood Pressure: 135/81

Current Status: Minor cuts and bruises, sprain in left ankle.

Patient is in a state of psychologic shock.

Existing Conditions:

Asthma (dormant) Diminished mobility from childhood injury to right knee.

Notice the little note there about psychologic shock. We do get elaboration on the comment made by whoever conducted the intake process, which come from Yale Psychiatric Notes 1 & 2:

Notes - new patient initial consultation

Subject: John Thomas Ward

Present: Dr. James Spinel, PhD, and two orderlies

Subject non-responsive for first half-hour, followed by fragmented 'exorcism' narrative

Subject unable to maintain consistency in story (for example, stating that Amy was in the basement and then saying she was in the attic)

Subject insists incident was the result of demonic possession

Cannot declare subject of sound mind; will require several more sessions to fully understand subject's mental state. Will advise Martin Family attorneys.

—

Subject is suffering from delusion. In John's mind, he plays the role of the hero sent by God to protect the innocent. In order to escape the consequences of his actions, he has created his own reality. In order for everything to make sense, he needs to believe in the evil spirits and paranormal occurrences. I recommend an in-vivo approach until we can get John to accept the truth.

And for the love of God, please have Ms. Martin transferred to another facility. Somehow, John knows that she is in here with him.

Then there's the newer documentation and references to In Vivo, found in the GOODIES folder of the game. See the text around bullet point 3.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An image of development notes for Faith: The Unholy Trinity Chapter 3, which were taken in an non-lined notebook. There are several roughly drawn images of the page, consisting of level mapping for puzzles in what the developer has called, in previous notes, GaryLand. The text beside bullet point 3 reads "Mini-environments to collect keys. Re-contextualized once you grab key (lost In Vivo). Placement of plagas cultists is 'contested space'. Keys? Sigils? Body parts? Notes alluding that John was there". Beside the last note is a doodle of the eyes emoji, with two stylized eyes looking to the left toward the text. END DESCRIPTION.]

Here's the thing about psychiatric institutions: They suck.

The mental health system in modern day America is better than it was in the 80s, naturally, but not by much. It is important to note that the deinstitutionalization of the mental health system was the right call to make. However, I must note that the lack of funding and resource allocation (mostly due to greed among politicians and public perception of those with mental illness) made it so that individuals are still institutionalized. As of the modern era, individuals with mental illness are disproportionately incarcerated.

The Prison Policy Initiative has a wonderful online research library with up-to-date and reflective research on the rates and treatment of individuals incarcerated, as well as how current carceral practices only work to exacerbate these issues through intensive focus on punishment:

But traveling back in time, before the tides shifted, we have to understand what the environment was like within psychiatric wards/asylums.

The deinstitutionalization of mental health emerged in the 50s following World War II. To make a very long story short, the human rights abuses were put into the spotlight. Several factors, such as inhumane living conditions, harmful treatment practices (which we will elaborate on later), and the rising costs and demand for psychiatric treatment, all contributed to the call for deinstitutionalization. The goal was to improve the quality of life for people with mental illness, and to really just… allow them to exist as humans within society. Though the movement began in the 50s, it didn't gain much popularity among advocate groups until the 60s and 70s (e.g., the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Project Release), where the movement truly took off.

However, large-scale closures of institutions didn't actually happen until the 80s, at least in the States. This means that, come 1986/1987, there were still institutions actively running. If you'd like to read more about how psychiatric institutions were run in this era, then I highly recommend reading Dr. David Laing Dawson's personal testimonies as a clinician during the era of asylums and advocacy:

But what were popular treatment modalities for patients like John? Firstly, and mentioned in the in-game notes, we have In Vivo Exposure Therapy, or more simply put: Exposure Therapy.

The American Psychiatric Association, in their Clinical Practice Guideline(s) for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (2023), define In Vivo Exposure as:

Directly facing a feared object, situation or activity in real life. For example, someone with a fear of snakes might be instructed to handle a snake, or someone with social anxiety might be instructed to give a speech in front of an audience.

This intervention is not limited to PTSD, though, and is often used for other clinical concerns such as phobias, panic and anxiety, and (in some cases) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The ultimate goal is to break the pattern of avoidance while confronting the fear in a safe environment. Which is great… for patients who are ready to confront these things. If there's one lesson to take away from this post, it's that treatment cannot be forced. Treatment is ineffective if the person requiring it is non-consenting or otherwise unwilling/unable to go through the modality.

So when you look at a patient like John, who is in an active state of crisis, and decide the best treatment intervention is to (effectively) tell him to "Suck it up" and induce anxiety and fear? It's disgusting and it would, in a realistic scenario, only exacerbate his symptoms even further. Which it seems to do, if the line about John having a reaction to Amy's presence in Yale Psychiatric is anything to go by. The man believes she is possessed by a demon (or knows she is), and has intense dread and anxiety around trying to save her (to the point where it's already a fixation). Exposing him to Amy's presence, or even the possibility of it, is not going to do him well until he is guided down from a crisis state and able to understand what is going on (as well as process the events that took place in the Martin home, because Amy would be a psychological trigger of recollection for said events).

John's official diagnoses are, ultimately, mild anxiety and acute coulrophobia (aka: fear of clowns). This much is clarified in the release form:

RELEASE FORM

SUBJECT: John Thomas Ward

DOR: 31 Oct 1986

This form certifies that the subject is hereby released from my care after having completed their required counseling and treatment to my satisfaction, with confidence that they are ready to resume their normal daily activities as a mentally stable member of society.

Dr. James Spinel, PhD

EXISTING CONDITION:

Mild anxiety

Acute coulrophobia

As an aside, can we just point out how John was only admitted for a month, give or take some days? Even if we take the events at face value (aka: demons are real; Hell is real; Lucifer is planning an invasion of Earth to reclaim what God has taken from him-), this feels… entirely too short to state that John is fully recovered.

At least from my interpretation of the intent behind "a mentally stable member of society", as the stigmatization of mental illness would place the burden of showing minimal, if any, signs of distress within day to day life… unless you were a hard-working husband who drank off most of his time at home while beating his wife, lest we forget the nuclear family values and toxic masculinity that still run rampant in American society. But I digress...

And immediately bring your attention to a bit of a continuity issue that, effectively, renders my last point moot: John's letter to Dr. McGlashan, who we can assume is a director of sorts within Yale Psychiatric.

This note is dated for December 30th, 1986:

Dear Dr. McGlashan,

It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment here at Yale Psychiatric Institute. Dr. Spinel, who has been so patient with me, has helped me understand my afflictions and has helped me fund a way to move forward and accept the truth.

With Dr. Spinel's help, I have come to accept what really happened in September at the Martin family residence. I accept that what happened was not the result of any supernatural phenomenon, but rather the desperate actions of a young girl driven to violence by her dogmatic parents and old church rituals that are thought to drive out evil.

I am happy to report that, since accepting the truth, my nightmares have ceased and I now enjoy peace of mind that I have not felt since the incident. Given my progress since first coming here, I respectfully request my release from Yale Psychiatric Institute, contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future.

Sincerely,

John Ward

And raises several questions, such as:

If the failed exorcism took place in September, does this mean that John was within Yale Psychiatric from September to December?

Why was there a release form authorized in October 1986 by Dr. Spinel?

John states, "It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment […]". Does this mean that there was a second admission period between October and December?

If there was, when did that occur? Was he brought back in during the last weeks of October? In November?

My personal belief is that John was institutionalized twice. Once immediately following the failed exorcism, and once more after due to a relapse (hence the specification "[…] contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future."). John, by this point, is aware of his mental health concerns and acknowledges that he needs more in regard to his treatment. Here, he's showing a clear capacity to establish and (hopefully) follow a community treatment regiment.

And this is where a bibically-accurate, canonical analysis, would end. A bit of insight into what happened, why it happened, and the ramifications (albeit brief). But here's the thing:

I believe there's more to John's case, since I believe in the blending of two prominent theories (everything is real versus everything is imagined). Personally, based on these notes and a few key dialogs within Chapter 3, I believe that John (in addition to the Anxiety) experiences Psychosis brought on by Paranoid Schizophrenia. In context of the game's plot, he experiences Persecutory and Grandiose Religious Delusions.

Let me explain.

There are several types of delusions, and the severity of these delusions can vary from individual to individual. More on the specifics (as well as recommended treatment modalities) can be found in this PDF.

Generally speaking, though, the types of delusions I mentioned are described as follows:

Grandiose: An individual experiences an exaggerated sense of importance, power, knowledge, or identity, that may have some type of theme.

Persecutory: An individual is fixated on the prospect of being attacked, harassed, persecuted, or conspired against.

Sounds familiar, yeah? Let's break it down:

Grandiose: Exhibited in all chapters. John is of the belief that he is a destined savior to Amy Martin. That he is the only one who can save her from the demon(s) plaguing her because he is the only one with the power and ability to do so. He, in the Super Miriam boss fight, also claims to have God's power directly within him. That he, in a way, is God (at least, in that moment).

Persecutory: Exhibited in all chapters, prominent in Chapter 3. In Chapter 1, there's "The Offering" Ending. John is (or perceives to be) stopped in the middle of the road home by Gary and his cult. Then, in Chapter 3, the entire arc around Gary's cult centers around the idea of John being persecuted (targeted by the cult for his attempts to save Amy).

But I feel like this expansion on John's psyche is supported within the canon itself, even if not explicit. Let's look more at the dialog cues from other characters.

One thing that slates me toward this conclusion is the brief mention of John's mother, Meredith. Amy's demon taunts John by asking him "What about Meredith? Did she get better?" and says how he couldn't save her. And based on the delivery of this line, it's clear that some sort of illness was what killed Meredith. Given that Schizophrenia in of itself typically doesn't cause death (though symptoms can contribute to other factors, such as poor physical health, risk-taking behaviors, higher risks of suicide), we have to look beyond the mental health aspect for a brief moment.

According to fairly recent research, there have been connections made between an individual's Schizophrenia diagnosis and their likelihood for developing Alzheimer's Disease. Kochunov et al. (2020) state:

"Schizophrenia (SZ) is a severe psychiatric illness associated with an elevated risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease (AD). Both SZ and AD have white matter abnormalities and cognitive deficits as core disease features. […] SZ and AD have diverse etiologies and clinical courses; our findings suggest that white matter deficits may represent a key intersecting point for these 2 otherwise distinct diseases. Identifying mechanisms underlying this white matter deficit pattern may yield preventative and treatment targets for cognitive deficits in both SZ and AD patients."

Now, as a personal note, I have seen and experienced what Alzheimer's can do to people and how long of a process it is. My maternal grandfather, tragically, passed due to the illness in 2020. I still cannot discuss the symptomatology and progression in full as a result of the grief, but I can direct attention to the Alzheimer's Association and their article on the stages of progression:

Returning to the psychoanalytical aspect, mental illness can be hereditary and passed down, in addition to being individually developed (through whatever means, which are often referred to as the biopsychosocial factors of development). Such is true with the case of Schizophrenia.

Additionally, there does seem to be evidence suggesting that John's perception of events is questionable. Of course, I must note here that every character in this story is an unreliable narrator. Every character has their motives in the information they share and how they share it. This is in no way, shape, or form, me saying that other characters are objectively right in their perceptions. Especially Gary.

Gary is a cult leader. Even if the cult is not as dramatized as they appear to be (e.g., they are not, in fact, kidnapping babies and sacrificing people)… he is still running a cult. He is still capable of being manipulative regardless. I can absolutely delve into the psychology and structure of cults, but this post is long enough as is.

So instead, let's look at what it is Gary says to contradict John's point of view. The primary dialog that I believe points us to a faulty perception is Gary's recollection of the Martin twins:

"Oh, John… deep down, you always knew the twins were an illusion. But you could not resist chasing after lost (hurt) souls. I suppose you wished they were real, just like the late Mrs. Martin. That is how I knew you would come to me."

The popular analysis among the fandom is that Mrs. Martin miscarried the twins, and experienced a rough patch of grief surrounding the event. Again, I have seen similar experiences in my personal life, so I can sympathize with and affirm how rough this process can be. This is why Mrs. Martin had put effort into the belief that they were still expected/born, with the room being set up for them and the crib being discarded in the Martin's basement (as well as the birthday party and clown aspect).

John knew this at the time of exorcising Amy, but his own mental break altered his perception of events and made him believe in the same narrative that Mrs. Martin presented: The twins were alive. The difference here is that John tied the twins into his perception of the game's events, and came to the conclusion that Gary (and his cult) kidnapped them for ritualistic reasons.

Likewise, a lot of Gary's dialog has key words switched out. A list of these words is as follows, with their substitutions in parentheses:

enter (abuse)

lost (hurt) souls

Vessel (Victim)

journey (despair)

Again, this could be a simple nod to Gary's capacity for manipulation as a cult leader. But that doesn't exclude it from also pointing out John's perception of the series' events. In fact, this could be John's psyche interjecting and affirming itself.

So, if John does have this diagnosis, what would a thorough treatment modality look like if they'd pinpointed it back then? If he was institutionalized a third time, after stopping the Profane Sabbath?

The answer to that is either Insulin Shock Therapy (IST)/Insulin Coma Therapy (ICT), or Chlorpromazine (a strong antipsychotic medication).

It's important to note here that IST/ICT fell out of favor in the 1960s, like most shock therapies (with the exception of electroconvulsive therapy). Jones (2000) details the history and modality of ICT, stating:

"Comas were induced on five or six mornings a week. Typically, the third dose of insulin was 10±15 units with a daily increase of 5±10 units until the patient showed severe hypoglycemia. Treatment continued until there was a satisfactory psychiatric response or until 50±60 comas had been induced. Experienced therapists let patients spend up to 15 minutes in 'deep coma' with hypotonia and absent corneal and pupillary reflexes. Clinicians noted gross variation between individuals in response to a given dose of insulin. Also, in the course of treatment a patient could show day-to-day variation in his reaction. Further there was an uncertain relationship between clinical signs and the blood glucose level. The hypoglycemia made patients extremely restless and liable to major convulsions. Comas were terminated by administration of glucose via a nasal tube or intravenously."

If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because the treatment modality was highlighted in the story of John Nash, a fundamental American mathematician with Schizophrenia.

The 2001 film A Beautiful Mind showcases Nash's story, including the usage of ICT. Attached is a video clip from the film, which contains content that may be triggering/disturbing. Watching it is not vital to this analysis, as it's to illustrate the paragraph above:

Ultimately, the takeaway is this:

Mental illness plays a huge role in the game's overarching narrative, even if not considered a major plot element in of itself. The Satanic Panic was a moral panic used by fundamentalist Christians to excuse abuse within their churches, excuse the discrimination of BIPOC and queer folk, and dismiss rising concerns regarding mental health advocacy. This, alongside simply targeting youth subcultures to preserve the nuclear family imagery that arose during the previous generations.

John Ward is easily one of the most fascinating characters to exist, in my opinion, because of how his character is linked to this idea. John Ward is a beacon (for a lack of better term) for this message within the game. He exhibits mental health issues canonically (re: the official diagnoses) and can be analyzed as having a deeper, more expansive diagnosis.

Everything I have said is interpretation, and is not entirely canon in the bibically-accurate sense. This is just a topic that's been in my mind since the release of Chapter 2's demo. You can feel free to agree or disagree with literally anything I have said, and I love hearing others' interpretations as well! The theories scattered around the fandom, whether posted on the Fandom Wiki or hidden in the tags on Tumblr, are just… so good. So I wanted to help contribute in some way!

And for those that read this far... Thank you <3

[whovianwatchingstartrek]

A Whovian Watches Star Trek for the First Time: Part 114 - Spock is on the Run

Star Trek: Discovery - Season 2 Episode 3 - Point of Light

With Christmas over, I can get back to doing this properly.

This time, we're still on the lookout for Red Angel Signals and for any clues about Spock's situation. Sylvia Tilly is still seeing the ghost of her childhood friend May. Discovery stumbles across Sarek's ship, who requests to transport someone over. Everyone expects it to be Sarek, but it turns out to actually be his wife.

After the Intro we cut to the Klingon Empire, and things seem to be going well under L'Rell's rule. The Klingon houses are all together, even if there it a bit of tension about Tyler/Voq's presence.

Back on Discovery, we find out that Amanda tried to visit Spock in his psychiatric ward, but they wouldn't let her see him, and apparently any info about his situation is being kept secret, even from Family. So, she stole his medical file, and hands it off to Michael who in turn takes it to Captain Pike.

After a bit of Convincing, Pike calls up the Facility, but tactfully doesn't mention Amanda or the Stolen File, he simply words his request as a simple check from a captain, and we find out that apparently Spock escaped and is wanted for murder. This call convinces Pike to allow Michael to crack open the medical file.

We get this really good scene with Amanda opening up about how she regrets raising Spock in the way she did, and wishing he would have been allowed to express his emotion more, but this is interrupted by drawings of the Red Angel flickering through in the medical file, and then further interrupted by a call from Ash Tyler, which Michael needs to take. Michael's call with Ash is just a general catch up, and a nice heart to heart, but nothing immediately pressing. Later, we do find out that L'Rell and Voq had a child together, a complete surprise to Ash. L'Rell didn't tell Ash because she wanted him to be able to return to a human life without any need to return to Chronos. L'Rell knows that Ash called Michael and basically has seen the writing on the wall from Day 1. The way she wants to protect Ash/Voq's happiness is really sweet. Ash says he wishes to remain committed to staying on Klingon though, and agrees to raise the child. As to go to meet him however, they find the child has been kidnapped by one of rogue noble houses. We get a pretty good action scene out of it, although I wish it was a lit a bit better, it fell into the trap of thinking Visually Dark = Good. L'Rell and Ash lose their fight however, but are rescued by none other than Georgiou, who for some reason has a vested interest in L'Rell remaining the Chancellor of the Klingon empire

On Discovery's Bridge, where the Command Training Program people are beginning their "Shadow Exercises" which is a lot less badass than it sounds. Basically, they're studying directly under another officer. Sylvia, still her ghost, is studying under Captain Pike himself, which is definitely a golden opportunity. They have built him to be considered one of the best captains in the fleet, after all.

Apparently May's ghost is urgent to talk to a Captain, but not Pike, and not Saru because what she described sounds Human. I really wonder where this ghost falls on the Malice vs Incompetence Spectrum, throughout this sequence it does seem like she's pushing to block Sylvia from command. Pike notices something is up, but it's too late because May pushes Sylvia into an open outburst, which, because only she can see may, everyone on bridge thinks is directed towards Pike. I really like the idea of this ghost as kind of a metaphor stress or pushing yourself too hard or something, she did first appear in a scene where Saru gave her a little pep-talk about that.

Elsewhere, Michael's conversation with Amanda continues, and we learn a bit more about the Red Angel. Apparently the first time it appeared for Spock was during an incident where Michael ran away from home, and it told Spock exactly where she was. Additionally, we find out a bit more about what happened to damage Spock and Michael's relationship so much. Apparently, Michael Traumatised him to protect him from the logic extremists, because he kept following her around everywhere. We don't find out exactly what.

After both Michael and Sylvia's emotional moments, they both meet up in their bunks, and Sylvia finally opens up about how she's seeing a ghost. Michael manages to build Sylvia up a bit, which was really nice to see. And also, she manages to throw down a bit of logic about her situation: May isn't a hallucination, and whatever she is, she isn't the real Ghost of May. Additionally, because Michael has held a rock from the Asteroid and not suffered this effect, it must be connected to the Spores, and they agree to visit Paul Stamets.

Paul and Saru, now informed on Sylvia's situation get work and find out that May is a spore from the Terran Universe, but they make quick work of Extracting her. The fungal organism is huge however, and ends up contained.

I enjoyed this episode, especially Sylvia and May stuff, although I do wish we could have got a few more episodes of weird ghost stuff before it was resolved, I guess. The Klingon stuff was also great here. Apparently Georgiou is part of a black-ops unit called Section 31, I'm really interested to see where that goes now that she's back in play. Overall a pretty good episode.

[kookiesandcreams]

SHADES OF ME

Pairing: Patient!yoongi × doctor!y/n

Warnings: cussing, medical description, inappropriate and groping, oral (gem receiving) clit biting, spanking, choking, criminal yoongi.

A/n: I wrote this fic weeks ago idk what took me so long to post buttt here you go : ) like and comment <: ily fam <3

He knew it, he knew that you were he knew for him. His desire for you was ever-growing. The subtle ways you twisted your hand around the knob while entering the room, slight flip of your hair, gentle shake of your head and every little thing you did fueled his need for you.

Days began bleeding into months, and you still feared him, his timid kitten as he liked to think of you. "Check his pulse Dr Y/n."

You had to do it. "Uhm... right I'll do it once I'm done recording his vitals."

Working in a hospital was hard as it was but working in a psychiatric ward was next-level hard shit. You joined Maple Hospital 3 months ago, as an intern after graduating from your university with a decent score.

Your experience?

Lavish.

Only the millionaires could afford such kind of treatment and care. Maple was a top-class listed hospital with extravagant facilities. You slogged your ass to get your hands on this job. One patient would not make you change your mind. But, would he?

You proceeded to check his pulse and the senior doctor left. Beads of perspiration gathered on your forehead. "Don't worry, I won't bite you."

You flinch, and the side stands fall down with you. He could see it, the rapid blinking of your eyes, your throat bobbing as you try to swallow the fear, your withdrawal from his touch.

"Are you still afraid of me?"

The IV is plucked from his veins, a tiny drop of blood appearing on the surface of his skin. You impulsively jump up to help him, the close proximity exciting him. Thoughts of you under h plague his mind. Just when you are about to dab a cotton ball over the blood he holds your wrist, tight enough to stop the circulation.

"I asked you a question now, didn't I?"

Swiftly rotating your wrist he had you turned in a way that made your back face him. His other hand was soon placed on your guts. The soft smell of baby powder kissed his nostrils as he nosed your neck. Pressing you closer, he gritted his teeth, "why is your heart pounding at such a fast rate?"

As much as you hated to admit it, both you and Yoongi knew it was because of him.

"No-" you took a sharp breath before continuing, "i- I am not afraid of you, sir."

"I see,"

His skilful yet rough hips press forward into yours, a sigh of pleasure leaving your mouth in short breaths.

"Yoongi—"

"Mhm?"

"What are you doing Min Yoongi?" You didn't know why but your body seemed to like the friction and the attention.

"I think sir is better." With that saying, he grabs your boob and attacks your neck with a fit of rough and hungry kisses. The fast, oscillatory movement of his hips never stopped. You could feel his dick harden as he humped your ass.

Swiftly, he grabs your chin, pushing two digits in your warm cavern. "Would you let anyone else use your slutty mouth? Huh, princess?" His fingers moved in and out of your mouth at a gradual pace. He wanted to savour the feeling, the warmth and the sloppiness of your mouth.

"No one else," you said. "I would never allow anyone else in this throat of mine." Showing him was the only way he'd trust her. She wanted him to recover. Truly, she did. Unbeknownst to herself, she desired his touch, his affection, his love, his hands roaming expanse of her body.

He let out a groan, a feral one. It rumbled through her chest and made your pussy flutter. Were you worthy of him? Of his status in society?

A slap echoed and you felt the pain shooting through your ass. His huge palms were then rubbing the globes of your ass softly as if he didn't just slap them red and dead.

Before you knew you were leaning against the huge balcony. The blinders were on but the thrill made you wet. His deathly grip on your waist was agonizing but it made you feel a sense of belonging, something you never felt.

Your work skirt was loosely hanging around your waist when he bunched it above your ass. You felt exposed, the shame turning you on even more. He knelt, parted your legs and stared at your fat pussy, and you hid your face.

"What a lovely pussy you have here, darling."

Without wasting a second, he dived in like a hungry beast. Lapping up your folds and sucking your clit was an Olympic sport; that's how he made you feel. Switching between biting your hood ferociously and inserting his tongue in your fluttering hole, he brought you closer to your end. Your pussy clenched signalling your orgasm and that's when he stopped.

You cried. The crescent marks on your palms were just the evidence of the pleasure he gave you only to snatch it back from you in a moment.

"Why?"

"I think this is all you deserve for now."

He sat on his bed, pliant and docile. A Marathon of thoughts in your mind distressed you. Even though you'd never admit it to anyone you knew, you yearned for more. More of him.

Now all you can do is wait.

[specialagentlokitty]

Alex Karev x reader - already knew

I have a request of your comfortable with it. It's an Alex karev x reader where he asks the reader to go out for dinner and she likes him and they go to dinner and she tells him she's asexual - @tempotempy💜

Sitting on the table, you yawned as you rubbed your eyes a little.

“Tired?”

Looking over at your boyfriend you gave a small nod and he laughed, walking over he kissed your head and wrapped his jacket around you.

“Go to bed (Y/N), I’ll wake you up when I’m home.”

“Alright…”

Giving Alex a light kiss you got up and made your way over to your car.

The moment you walked through the door you tossed your scrubs off and tossed on one of Alex’s shirts before you crashed in bed.

When Alex came home, he stood at the door to the bedroom as he smiled to himself.

He loved how peaceful you looked when you slept.

Walking in, his quietly grabbed some clothes and headed to grab a shower before he finally walked over and sat next to you.

“Hey…” he whispered.

You stirred a little bit and rolled over.

Alex brought his hand up to brush the hair from your face before he place his hand on your cheek.

You smiled, bringing your hand up to rest it on his.

“Hey darling…” you yawned.

“Want to go out for dinner?” He asked.

You slowly sat up, and Alex got off the bed.

He grabbed you some clothes and set them on the bed before kissing your forehead.

“I’ll wait outside.”

You never changed in front of Alex, not in the entire year that you guys had dated.

Usually he would’ve questioned it, with anyone else he would have ended things with the other person immediately but with you, it was normal, natural.

You walked out of the room and headed to put your shoes on before turning to Alex.

“Where we going?”

“Wherever you want, I’m paying.”

You grinned and jogged out to the car, you already knew exactly where you guys were going to do, and Alex did too.

He didn’t even have to ask, he put the radio on before he started to head in that direction.

“You already know.” You laughed.

“Of course I do, you ever want to go anywhere else love.”

Alex pulled into the parking lot of your favourite restaurant and he followed you in, letting you sit first before he sat and handed you your menu.

“I already know what I’m going to get.” You grinned.

“Doesn’t surprise me, you don’t eat anything else from here, it’s not healthy.” Alex laughed.

“Hey, so do you!”

You guys laughed and when the waiter came over, the pair of you both placed your orders before falling into light conversation.

He told you about his shift, about how annoying some people were and about what he learnt.

“You know, you should really join me on my ward.” You said.

“Psychiatric? Not really my thing. You know that, I want to be a surgeon.”

“I know love, but it would help you when you get certain patients in.”

“Why do that when I can just call you?” He smirked.

You laughed and rolled your eyes at him.

You guys carried on talking, and you realised there was something you had been thinking about telling Alex for a while.

Sighing, you set your fork down and he immediately looked up.

“What’s wrong? Is it the food? A person?” Hr asked.

“No, Alex, nothing like that.” You laughed.

“What is it then?”

You sighed again and your shoulders slumped a little.

“I.. need to tell you something, okay, I’ve been trying to tell you for a while but never knew how…”

“You’re not breaking up with me are you?”

“No, Alex, I’m asexual.”

He blinked, and gave a small smile.

“I had a feeling you were.”

“What?”

“Well, I heard Meredith saying something, and I decided to look into it, I just decided to wait until you said something about it.”

You gave a small nod, and looked at him.

“Is it… okay…?”

Alex stood up, walking over he took your face between his hands and looked you dead in the eye.

“Of course it is, you’re you. Anyone who isn’t okay and suck it and deal with me.” He said.

With that, he leant down and lightly kissed your before he sat back down.

He then pointed to your food.

“Now eat.”

Smiling, you happily carried on eating your dinner, finally glad that you told him

[marbl3-v0rt3x]

❤️ Nina Headcanons ❤️

She is probably my all time favorite Creepypasta characters and I think about her literally all the time, so I thought that I'd write out some of my headcanons to share ^-^

I'd like to just put a little trigger warning here because my depiction of Nina is a bit more realistic/gritty, and there will be frank talk of death, violence, and mental health issues (OCD, psychosis, and delusions). It's not particularly gorey or cruel, but if that makes you uncomfortable than this post isn't for you.

Anyways, these are just my headcanons and you don't have to agree with any of them. I'm just here to have fun and think about my blorbos :)

-I think Nina was raised by a single mother after her father walked out on the family

-Nina’s father left due to his mental illness and his own delusions that he was suffering (schizoaffective disorder and OCD)

-In my opinion, Nina suffers from Delusional disorder. Specifically suffering heavily from erotomania and grandiose symptoms . I think it’s both induced genetically (from her father, she inherited his OCD) and environmentally (the loss of her friends and the bullying she suffered). Her delusions obviously revolved around Jeff, and caused her to obsessively research him constantly. She felt like if she didn’t keep up with every detail about him that he wouldn’t love her anymore.

-Nina usually researched Jeff’s killing online because she didn’t have access to things like police radio. Usually she trolled websites like 4chan, reddit, liveleak, etc. Anywhere that like- gore and/or internet detectives would lie, she was there. She managed to track him across the country by regularly taking part in message boards and things like that. 

-This is all starting at the age of like 13-14. It definitely got worse over the years until she was 16 (which is when her story takes place in my headcanon) when Jeff actually showed up to KILL her because he thought that she was a cop who was close to catching him. When it turned out not to be the case, he decided to pour bleach on her etc as like- a test?

-Of course, this only ended up furthering her delusions and caused her to have a total mental breakdown. Which of course led to her cutting her face and killing her family. 

-After that, she packed a bag, took her laptop and pretty much just ran away into the woods to find a place to hideout/research on where Jeff went next. 

-For a while she essentially followed Jeff to town after town, trying to show him that she had become just like him. At this point she was fully delusional and in a psychotic state. 

-She actually ended up getting a mouth infection because of her cuts, and had to go to a hospital where her psychosis was properly diagnosed. Once the doctors had treated the infection and stitched up her mouth, they called the cops

-However, instead of being sent to jail, she was placed into a psychiatric ward because her attorney made the case for insanity.

-While awaiting a proper trial (she’s 18 at this point in the story) she has a breakthrough and is able to break out of her psychosis. The delusion is harder to break out of, but she does manage to push it down into her mind (which is why she is always conflicted when thinking about Jeff. The delusion is not fully gone, but she keeps trying to push it away and force herself to act “normal”)

-After breaking out of her psychosis, she escapes the mental hospital. Grabbing her shit and literally just bolting, however this time, she wants Jeff’s attention for a different reason. 

-Nina essentially goes from town to town breaking into houses and killing people to try and lure Jeff out to her again in order to kill him. But anytime he gets too close (or really anywhere near her) she freaks out and either skips town or goes quiet for a while. She doesn’t really know what would happen if she actually came face to face with Jeff (if she would fall right back in love or kill him on the spot. She’s kind of scared to find out because that would mean her life’s purpose would be completely gone.)

-She can’t escape her obsession with Jeff, and is constantly reminded of her obsession whenever he comes up. She also feels a compulsion to kill due to OCD, and that if she doesn’t kill people he will forget about her entirely. Her OCD also flares up when stabbing people (if she doesn’t stab someone a certain amount of times it won’t be right or it won’t get Jeff’s attention.)

-She doesn’t really kill out of love anymore, and now more or less kills people as bait.

-She is still a very bubbly and vibrant person, and she is extremely extroverted. She enjoys talking to people, especially when she has good days and doesn’t feel the compulsion to kill.

-I think that Nina is obsessed with scene fashion because It reminds her of her childhood and lets her reclaim the parts of her childhood that she feels like she missed out on.

-I headcanon Nina as being half-mexican on her mom’s side, and that she inherited a lot of her mental health issues from her father (who left due to his own delusions that he was suffering.)

[caesarandthecity]

Love in Prison: Seeking Affection Behind Bars

Gay for the Stay. That’s what they call straight men who, during their time in prison, decide to enter into a relationship with another man, being “gay” only while they’re behind bars. Can you imagine how amazing my life would be if I could just decide to be gay for a while, then not be, and then turn it back on whenever I wanted? Like flipping a light switch on and off. I’ve always been gay, never changed, and I suffered a lot until I learned how to survive.

In the beginning, in criminal prison, I behaved more cautiously, which made me an easy target, prey that was easy to spot. And believe me, there are so many men in there looking for someone to live with in a cell as a couple. I won’t deny, some of them were very attractive. Think about it: many were Latino, tattooed, in shape, just looking for someone to exchange affection and care with while in prison. It’s fascinating to see how humans, in this case, men, can change in the search for affection, in the search for love.

And I fell in love. I had my heart broken more than once in prison—multiple times, to be honest. One of the first was Chad. He was special, beautiful. His eyes were an incredible shade of blue. When I first arrived at the psychiatric ward of the prison, Chad came to greet me. And when I saw those eyes… “Chicos, those eyes!” I knew something would happen between us, and it did. We never kissed. We got so close once that our lips almost touched. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his, and then we pulled away.

We were two madmen locked up in the psychiatric ward of the prison. And you know, they say that mad people don’t realize they’re mad. Deep down, we were just two people desperate for affection. We spent our days together, talking, laughing, sharing stories. When I met Chad, he had no money to buy food at the canteen, and neither did I. We helped each other whenever we could; if one got extra food, we shared it. Chad would talk about all the drugs he’d done and how heroin was his favorite. He would tell me how he loved living on the streets, always saying, “It’s a lifestyle, Bro!” Something inside me believed I could save him, that he deserved saving.

Sometimes, Chad would come to my cell, sit next to me, and just stare at me with those deep blue eyes. We would play-fight with each other, a way for us to touch without anyone saying anything. Someone started putting money in Chad’s account, and he began to gift me sweets and food. Sometimes, other prisoners got jealous, but Chad didn’t care, and neither did we. But Chad was very jealous. Once he realized how much I was into him, he started to change. He would complain that I walked around the block too much, that I didn’t want to sit next to him, that I talked to Scotland, that I didn’t play with him. Many times, out of jealousy, Chad would refuse to share food with me, doing it on purpose.

One day, Chad snapped out of jealousy and tried to attack me, saying he was just playing. The guards decided to lock down the block, and Chad refused to go back to his cell, so he was taken to solitary confinement. And just like that, Chad and I never spoke again. Maybe it was for the best. Many other inmates told me real stories about him that scared me and opened my eyes.

Chad was the first, but many more would come after. The interesting thing is that during that time, I never questioned Chad’s character. I never evaluated his actions towards me, and now, almost two years later, I can look back and see it all—and most importantly, see myself too. Remembering all this only made me realize how desperate I was in my search for love, not knowing that I should never have been searching for it because love isn’t something you search for; it’s something you build from the inside out.

I was desperate to love, to be loved. In my mind, I thought I could take Chad out of that life. Today, I know that no one leaves drugs for someone else. We only leave when we want to, and for ourselves. And I allowed myself to be close to someone who was toxic, violent, just because he said he liked me. Today, I understand the reason for my solitude.

[ladyodaskonpeito]

Day 3: Missed Chances

Fandom: Free!

Pairing: Yamazaki Sousuke x Tachibana Makoto

Wordcount: 716

Day 1 | Day 2

Even as years passed, Makoto couldn’t help but think of how he met Sousuke on that rainy morning whenever September would roll around again. He’d also always thought about what could have been and wondered what happened to Sousuke—a lot of changes must have taken place with the time that went by. Maybe his injury healed. Maybe he completed his residency. Maybe he left the country. Maybe he forgot about the nursing student he met at Yowa Hospital.

Makoto, on the other hand, never forgot about him. He never could; Sousuke was one of the first people he had built rapport with as a nurse. As a result, he never thought of him as only a patient he’d helped. He wondered if he was just a nurse to Sousuke, though. He honestly wished he remembered him as something more and thought about him sometimes. Maybe even wondered about his current circumstances and whereabouts like Makoto would with him. But that was where Makoto was conflicted: he would hate for Sousuke to learn the reality of what had been going on in his life.

In reality, there was a lot of not much going on. Makoto had missed out on a lot since he dedicated himself to his job and committed to gaining recognition for his services in Tottori University Hospital’s nursing team. He had remained single all this while, and it was only partly due to his career ambitions to rise up the ranks to become a nursing manager. Maybe, somewhere in the back of his mind, he had held onto the hope of seeing Sousuke again—a man who happened to have everything he wanted in a partner.

Maturity. Dependability. Consideration. He sometimes wished he had never known more about Sousuke than what meets the eye; the height, the voice and those eyes would have been enough. Now he was stuck on the idea of having someone that just seemed too good to be true.

Too good for him, at least.

So when Sousuke finally appeared in his life again, Makoto was too stunned to properly react.

Why would Sousuke remember him, right? Makoto was only a student nurse back then, helping out in a couple of his many weeks of therapy sessions. Makoto didn’t even dare to probe about his injury at the time, for fear of being seen as a busybody. Strictly speaking, they were never friends.

So when Sousuke introduced himself in TUH as Dr Yamazaki, the new gastroenterology fellow, Makoto greeted him like it was their first time seeing each other. That would be the first of many missed chances he had to acknowledge his recognition of Sousuke from his time in nursing college.

It only became increasingly difficult to breach the topic from then on.

After all, what would he say?

Do you remember that student who was briefly there for your PT almost seven years ago? Hi, I’m that guy. Fancy seeing you here at TUH!

Yeah, no. He’d cringe just imagining that. While he was glad—over the moon, actually—to meet Sousuke again, he struggled to bring up their history, seeing as any attempts he had made to reach out were simply… not taken any notice of.

Katsumi-san had very kindly given him the phone number, saying that Sousuke had authorised him to do so. At that moment he had hope fired up in him: Sousuke had wanted to be friends! With time, could they develop into something… more?

At first, it was a courteous but casual text, saying hello and notifying Sousuke that he was stationed at the psychiatric ward now. No reply came.

Then, Makoto had let him know that he ended his time as a student nurse at the hospital and would be proceeding with his prep for the National Nursing Examination. That received no response either.

Finally, Makoto informed Sousuke that he had successfully gotten his nursing license. That was when his hope truly died, because he’d thought a congratulatory message would be anyone’s reply. Instead, all he got was radio silence.

Yeah, they were never friends. That thought would cause Makoto to have this constricting feeling in his chest, so he never liked to think about it for long.

It was a shame, but the past was supposed to be left in the past, anyway.

To be continued on Day 4