#BUT V FULL OF ANXIETY ABOUT TRYING FOR TICKETS

[seekingthestars]

hey besties, ya girl spent all weekend at an anime convention and that was a GIFT :')

also i am now currently in the midst of ticketing-anxiety-hell until late tomorrow afternoon so 😭

[mandoalorian]

Honeymoon [Din Djarin x F!Reader] - **SMUT**

Summary: You’ve been saving your credits for months in order to treat your husband to the surprise honeymoon you both deserve. He’s a little on edge though, despite the luscious, tropical environment he’s surrounded by. So, as his wife, you do everything in your means to get him to relax.

Warnings: unprotected p in v, riding, cockwarming, orgasm denial, cunningless, cum eating, spanking, anal fingering, breeding kink, slight sub!Din if you squint. 18+ only.

Word count: 2600+

Reblogs appreciated. 💙

Beyond The Sea Masterlist

-—-—-—♡—-—-—-

Marrying Din Djarin was the best decision of your life. 

Standing dead centre in the middle of your hotel suite, your husband had never looked so out of place. The yon orange sunlight seeped through the crack in the voile curtains, and a warm, summer breeze waved gently through your hair. You could tell, even through his beskar Mandalorian helmet, that your husband was completely stricken by the beauty of the great outdoors. Your view from outside the hotel suite was a novelty, for sure. The beach’s water circled around the hotel and pooled outside into a tranquil, turquoise coloured ocean. A distance from your window, but not too far, was a growing jungle of vines and trees, habited by various reptilian animals that were distinct to the planet of Scarif. You couldn’t wait to meet them all.

You’d saved up credits, and it had taken almost a year, but finally— finally, you could afford this. A sanctuary. A small vacation. Something you could call your honeymoon. It was long overdue.

Din had warned you when you married him that a honeymoon wasn’t on the cards. It just wasn’t plausible. He was a bounty hunter and he worked every damn day, risking his life just so he could bring back enough credits to put food on the table for you and Grogu. A holiday of any sorts was out of the question.

But you’d been saving up in secret, and if he’d ever found out about your planned endeavour — well, he’d never approve. Good job he’d managed to keep out of your way when you bought the tickets for the five star hotel suite. What proved to be even more of a challenge, was persuading Din to take you to the remote and tropical island planet of Scarif. 

You left the kid with Peli Motto on Tatooine, much to Din’s disdain. You’d spoken to Greef and broken a deal with him in secret; that the guild master was not allowed to provide Din with any bounties prior to the week you were due to go away. Everything rolled out perfectly, just as planned.

For the first time in a long time, your clan of three was living a stress free life, void of any anxieties related to Din and his profession. You loved him with your mind, body and soul, and accepted him for who he was. But part of you, a small part of your heart, hoped that one day, maybe he’d give up bounty hunting for good. He was getting older now. You’d occasionally pick out the greying hairs in his stubble, and the crinkles in the corners of his starry brown eyes were becoming increasingly more prominent. There was a beautiful galaxy out there, and he’d only seen the bad parts. The parts that were rampant with crime and death. You hoped that this honeymoon trip to Scarif would show him the true beauty of the world -- and everything he was missing out on.

He couldn’t bounty hunt forever. One of these days, he was going to have to settle down.

“I can’t believe you did this,” Din announced, picking up some complimentary hotel chocolates that had been left on his pillow. He pulled off his mustard coloured gloves and began to fiddle with the red foil wrapper. “All of this. I can’t believe you did all of this without me knowing.”

“I was afraid you’d be mad at me.” you mumbled, subconsciously rocking backwards and forwards on your heels. Din couldn’t even begin to imagine how much this trip had cost you, and to be honest, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the exact figure. 

“I am mad at you.” He retorted, but you could sense the air of amusement in his voice. Din Djarin was an esteemed bounty hunter, the best in the Guild. He prided himself in being the best too. He was always one step ahead of everyone, always knowing what was about to come before others even knew themselves. Apparently though, his skill was lost on you. Part of him though, was proud. A pretty big part of him, to be exact.

He was chuffed to be able to call you his wife. He didn’t believe the day would ever come. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” you pondered out loud, looking around the hotel suite. “Did you see those big colourful birds as we walked in? They were enormous. We should check out the gift shop and buy a disposable camera. I know Grogu would love to see the photos when we get back.”

Din tilted his helmet in acknowledgement of your comment, but opted to stay silent, his eyes fixated on you and only you. Yeah, he was sure Scarif was a beautiful planet (there was no doubt in his mind), but not even all the colourful birds or glistening waters in the whole galaxy could ever compare to the beauty of you. Your eyes snapped back towards Din when he didn’t respond, and you felt your mouth part as a knowing sigh escaped your lips.

“Tell me you don’t…” you closed your eyes, already mentally preparing yourself for his answer. “...Tell me you don’t have hunting mode initiated under that tin can helmet of yours.”

You knew that, under his black tinted visor, he was always in hunting mode. He had to ensure your safety one way or another. When he turned off hunting mode, everything was normal and in colour (despite this one glitch of pixels he had to get fixed). But when he was in hunting mode, his vision was a dull chiaroscuro. 

“We don’t know how safe this planet is,” Din declared, his voice stern as he tried to reason with you. “We just arrived and I’ve never been here before. I haven’t even done a recce.”

You extended your arm and shushed him. “You haven’t been here before because no bounty or crime syndicate ever comes to Scarif. Since the battle between the Rebellion and the Empire, it’s been under full surveillance by the New Republic. There is security on every corner.”

“That doesn’t exactly work well in my favour.” Din muttered, although deep down he knew you were right.

“Do you really think I would’ve taken you somewhere that wasn’t safe for either of us? I’ve been planning this honeymoon for months, Din. Please, trust me.”

It hurt, seeing your husband like this. After bounty hunting his whole life, he was so… on edge. He always struggled to relax. You thought a tropical vacation might’ve just done the trick but maybe he needed more.

“Okay, you’re right. I trust you.” Din sighed in admittance, and you cracked one of your sweetest smiles at his revelation. It was enough to ease Din, even just temporarily.

“It’s too late to do anything now,” you said, biting your lip as you peeked behind the curtains and watched the sunset. “We can just stay in the hotel room and order room service, if you’d like.”

Din nodded, following your direction. He didn’t know the first thing about vacationing. But if one thing intrigued him, it was the luxurious king sized bed that stood before him. It was dressed in ivory satin sheets and silk pillow cases, and it was certainly nothing like the plank of steel you’d both lay on, back in the Crest. No, this was a real bed. You’d caught him staring at it and couldn’t help but smile at the smirk that played on your lips.

“Take off your helmet.” You requested.

“I--,” Din hesitated. “Someone could walk in and see me.”

“The door is locked. We have privacy,” you assured him. Din fumbled around some more. His heart stopped when you planted both your hands on his shoulders and searched for his eyes beneath the visor. “Trust me.” you reminded him with a plea of desperation.

He nodded and slowly began to lift off his helmet. And there, he revealed himself. Your husband. Though you’d seen his face many times now, you’d still always get an out-of-body experience, watching him take it off. Like it was some kind of sin.

“I love you so much,” Din’s unmodulated voice announced, and his brown eyes bored into your beauty. You smiled, feeling a wave of heat wash over your cheeks as you leaned your head into his chest. You slowly began to undress his plates of beskar armour, dropping them to the ground as you discarded them into a pile on the floor. “Such a pretty girl,” he cooed, and you shuddered, feeling his warm breath fan over the shell of your ear. “My pretty girl. All mine.”

“All yours,” you confirmed, dropping the final plate of beskar to the floor. “You need to relax, my love.”

“That word is foreign to me.” Din told you, smoothing out your hair before dropping his large hands down to your hips.

“So let me help you.”

You guided Din over to the bed he’d been eyeing up all night and helped him out of his under clothes, stripping him down to his boxer shorts only. You straddled his hips, pushing him back down amongst the satin sheets and letting your hands wander along his broad, scarred chest. He groaned wantonly. Your tender touch combined with the unfamiliar softness of what lay beneath him was almost enough to make him enter a meltdown. You hummed softly, your voice lulling him in the most comforting manner imaginable. Your fingers dipped further down his body and traced the short tufts of brown hair that poked out the hem of his underwear. Feeling your fingers fiddle with his waistband as he lay on the king sized bed felt ethereal. It was almost too much, he had to stop himself from swatting your hand away. If Din could have it his way, he’d grab you and roll you over, so he was on top -- taking control over you. But you had done this, all of this, to try and help him relax. So, he just lay there and surrendered to you.

The sky was dimming as the minutes passed by. You made a good habit to take your time with him, missing this kind of intimacy. Truthfully, it was hard to ever catch moments like this with Grogu being around. You and Din practically always had to sacrifice loving, passionate sex for quickies in between his bounties; and it wasn’t always easy.

“You-- you look so pretty like this, on top of me.” Your husband gasped out, his already dark eyes growing shades darker with lust.

For a split second, you pulled off him and untied your tunic, letting your simple robe fall to the ground and revealing your almost naked body to him. He was obsessed with you. Absolutely smitten, and it was unlike anything he’d ever been like with anyone ever before. Straddling him once more, you began to grind over his half hard cock, moaning at the friction between his underwear and your lace panties.

You leaned down and pressed your soft lips against his, enveloping him into a sweet kiss. You drop your lips along his gruff jaw and down the column of his neck, making a conscious effort to suck at his sweet spot you’d memorised so well. Reluctantly, you pulled off him and hovered over his lap, signalling with your hands for him to pull down his underwear. He took his hardening cock in his hand and wiped the beads of precum that had developed at his head. Taking the salty seed on his index finger, he brought it up to your mouth and pushed the digit in between your lips. You moaned longingly, relishing in his taste before pulling off him with a pop.

Din pulled off your panties and began to stroke between your folds, groaning when he felt just how slick and ready you were for him. He squeezed your hips and nodded, illustrating that he was ready, and you took a deep breath, anticipating the delicious stretch his cock offered you. You sank down on top of him, your eyes snapping shut as you felt every amazing bump and ridge and vein of his manhood grind along your fluttering walls.

He seated deep inside of you, giving you a few minutes to adjust, and he began to rub tight circles into your clit. He was absolutely mesmerized by you. You chanted his name like it was a prayer, and Din wondered how he ever got so lucky.

Feeling you clench around him and sensing you were about to cum, Din removed his hand from your cunt and gave you a small spanking on the curve of your ass. Your gasp of shock from your orgasm denial turned into a wanton moan as you wiggled further down on him. You giggled, nudging your nose against his as you felt the same finger he’d used earlier on you, make its way to your puckered asshole. Anal was something you’d been working your way up to, but hadn’t tried yet.

“Do you want this?” Din asked, teasing your entrance with the tip of his finger.

“Mhm,” you nodded desperately.

“Are you sure you can take it?” he beckoned, a wicked smirk gracing his soft pink lips.

“Y-yes,” you whispered.

“I can’t hear you,” Din growled, giving you another spank. “Tell me you want it.”

“I want it,” you cried, “P-please Din, fuck, please. I want it.”

“Dirty girl.” He gritted out, slowly pushing his digit inside of you.

Maker, you were full. In every way imaginable, Din was filling you up, stretching you wide, and it felt… amazing. You began to rock your hips over his cock as he lazily thrust his finger inside your asshole, and you felt yourself panting with every little stroke and movement.

“You look so good, like this,” Din gasped. “Won’t last long.”

And, he didn’t. The second he felt you cumming on top of him, your walls gripping his girth tighter than a vice, he came undone. His load was large, as expected, as his seed spurted in ropes inside of you. Din’s hands wrapped around your stomach and he began to rub soothing circles in your tummy. You didn’t lift off him, but instead, relished the feeling of his cock softening inside of you.

“Maybe this time it’ll work,” he grumbled. “And if not, we’ll keep trying. I won’t stop til I’ve put a baby inside of you, cya’re.”

You hummed and stretched out over him, resting your sticky forehead against his. “Good job we have all honeymoon.”

Din chuckled, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear and cupping your cheek with his hand. Well, if you’d accomplished one thing, it was that Din was certainly feeling more relaxed, that’s for sure.

-—-—-—♡—-—-—-

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[girl8890]

Penpals | Chapter 11

Idol!Kim Tae-hyung / V x Fem!Reader

Summary: You weren’t big on social media. Hell, you didn’t even care much for trends. So when you get a notification one day on instagram from a person claiming to be a global sensation, you can’t believe it. Months later, you still can’t believe your penpals with BTS’s good boy - Kim Taehyung himself.

Warnings: Anxiety.

Notes: The events that are in this story can definitely happen in real life, BUT this is just a fanfiction and I don’t think these events will actually happen/are occurring. This chapter is a little short, but I felt this conversation was needed between Ky and reader. I promise it will be emotional and full of FLUFF in the next one XD

BTS ML | Index | CH 12

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

To say you were nervous would be an understatement.

It's like you woke up this morning as a ball of anxiety. Only getting out of bed when you had to pee, and Ky texted you she would be over in an hour. But now, you're not in bed. Your not waiting for Ky to come over or getting ready for the day ahead of you.

You're in Ky's passenger seat of her car. Driving to a place in Seoul, like you have a million times before, but you aren't going to a simple home. You're going thee place. Thee home. 

The area that everyone wants to gain access to and one day have enough money to afford. A gated complex that holds one of the most famous bands in all of Korea.

You've driven by the place before and had an ear full of Ky screaming about how she would love to be able to visit. You thought it was a nice-looking area. High rises, luxuries buildings, and each complex had it’s own acre of land. Not sure why they call them dorms when they have more land than you do with your one-story house, but still, the places are fancy. Fancier than you could ever afford in your wildest of dreams with your Dog Cafe salary.

But it's not the homes that make you nervous. It's not the homes that are making you shuffle in your seat every five minutes, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Making your leg bounce, and each time you turn a corner, your heart leaps in your throat because you think you arrived at your designation.

No, it's not the homes. It's the people who own the home you're going to. One out of the seven of them - to be exact.

You're about to meet Kim Taehyung in real life... and you're scared shitless about it.

You pass a neighboring gated community, and your breath catches. But as Ky continues to drive, passing the neighborhood because it's not your destination, and slump in your seat. Able to breathe correctly for a few extra minutes.

Ky offered to drive even if she couldn’t meet or come into the dorms. She knew you wouldn't have been able to drive yourself, and she has continued to glance at you throughout the whole ride. Seeing you fidget and having your anxiety spike even higher per second. 

Ky puts her hand on your bouncing leg, stopping it, and you look away from the window to look a her. She smiles at you, and it's welcoming, but it only slightly calms your nerves. 

"Relax. You've both been talking for months, so Tae's not exactly a stranger."

"Yeah, I know that, but this isn't exactly a normal meet-up either. I'm meeting a fucking idol, for god's sake! I didn't even take the V.I.P. tickets you offered me to the Lady Gaga concert because I was too nervous about meeting her! Lady Gaga, one of America's sweetest celebrities, and I was nervous about meeting her. Now, I'm going to a celebrities house!"

You slide your back further down the seat. Sinking further into the depth of your anxiety. You pinch your thumb, trying to remind yourself. your alive, so you don't end up having an anxiety attack when you're only a mile away from the destination. 

Ky sighs then after an encouraging squeeze takes her hand off of your thigh to put it back on the steering wheel. 

"Okay, then. Let's get your mind off the subject. I want to talk to Mara."

You look over too Ky again, and she looks determined as fuck in that moment. This isn't precisely a 'let's just casually change the subject' type of thing. Ky's actually been meaning to talk to you about this for a while. 

"Ky, you don't have to. You and Mara have been friends since before I even came to this country. I don't want to be the person that divides you both."

Ky rolls her eyes at you.

"Trust me, sweetheart. You're not. She's been a bitch lately, but there's definitely something going on with her that we don't know about, and I want to find out just what that something is."

"But what if Mara doesn't want to talk?"

Ky glances at you, and you watch her determined face fall. It will definitely be heartbreaking for Ky if her best friend since kindergarten casts her out ultimately. For the second time, too. You don't know if you want to see Ky go through that again.

“I don’t know,” Ky whispers out and her words are full of sorrow.

Yeah, you had your wallowing moment over the loss of your friendship with Mara, but for Ky, it's different. Ky doesn't have anyone but you, Mara, and her boyfriend, James. Her parents died when she turned 16 in a fatal car accident, and Mara's parents took her in. She was always treated like family, but after this terrible event, Mara became more like a sister to her than a friend.

When Ky met James, they moved in with each other two years later. But Mara and her family still considered her a part of the family. You always envied Mara's and Ky's relationship. It wasn't like you were the third wheel to the Ky and Mara show, but there's always been an unbreakable bond between the two girls.

You just hoped Kwang didn't find a way to break that bond. For Ky's sake and your own.

When you feel the car come to a complete stop, you look out the window and realize Ky stopped at the front gate. Which could only mean one thing...

You've arrived.

-

After the front gate employee let you in, after you gave several forms of I.D.s, Ky drove you up to the dorm number Taehyung texted you this morning. Ky looks completely ecstatic. Looking everywhere she can without keeping her eyes off the road for too long.

This may be considered a gated community, but there wasn't many complex's in it. But you also knew that’s no why she was ecstatic. You watch your friend practically jump for joy as she drives, and feel your own smile pop on your face. Loving watching Ky get excited for just the prospect of driving to the BTS dorm.

When Ky pulls up to the right dorm, you feel your heart stop for a second. Staring at the home that houses the person you just realized you're in love with yesterday.

After a few moments of just taking the scene of their luxuries dorm in, you pull out your phone with shaking fingers and text Taehyung you’re here. After a few minutes, he reads your text and says he'll be out in 5.

You turn to Ky, and she has the biggest smile on her face still.

"Well, go on now.” She gestures with her hand to her out of the care. “Text me about every little detail later."

You giggle at your friend's subtle remark about wanting to know everything, and anything, about what happens in the BTS dorm. You then exchange a quick hug and exit Ky's car. Watching her drive down the driveway until she's out of sight.

You then look up the few flights of stairs and keep trying to remind yourself to breathe. That's Taehyungs's just a guy - a super famous, sexy as fuck, makes your heart run a mile a minute - type of guy. You squeeze your purse strap and dig your nails into your palm. Not letting the anxiety attack win.

You're alive and about to meet your penpal. Time to think positive thoughts about it.

You're meeting the guy you've been talking to for over two months. The guy who made you come out of your shell more and more each time you spoke to each other. Who made you forget the terrible parts of your past and made you look positively at the future. The guy who turned your life upside down, but you'll gladly keep doing these backflips for. The guy your heart has let you grow a little bigger for. The guy you've fallen in love with and feel the connection you always wanted.

Okay, Y/n. You got this.

You start going up the flight of stairs, and as you make it to the final few steps, the door opens. It opens incredibly slow, and you hear the marble door scrape across the ground lightly. It's like time has slowed down as it inches open, and then it stops altogether when it opens all the way. Presenting you with the man you've come all this way just to meet.

There he is...

-

Ch 12

[ackermansupremacy]

More marley kids headcanons because i’m still distraught

The sheer amount of content that i could write for them is a s t r o n o m i c a l

Gabi

•An animal lover!

•Has a really big intimidating dog like a rottweiler or mastiff that her friends are lowkey scared of

•But it has some headass name like ‘Fluffy’ or ‘Princess’

•Or something oddly human like Joe or Robert LMAO

•She drinks a lot of energy drinks so shes up until like 3am blasting music

•I saw another post saying that they could see her being a kpop stan and i SEE IT

•She would be a boygroup stan and would stan NCT

•She would really like Gorillaz too Rhinestone eyes would be her JAM

•When shes not playing roblox shes plays things like overwatch and league of legends until the sun rises

•Yet somehow shes still full of energy the next morning??

•Her deepest secret is that she has a wattpad account and randomly publishes stories and never updates them

•She also reads like,,,1D fanfic and would never admit it

•Her walls are covered in doodles in the spaces between her miscellaneous band posters

•Shes the kind of angsty kid that acts like she doesn’t like you

•But honestly? You’re her role model

•She really admires you :)

•Especially if you’re a single parent

•Whenever someone asks she always says

•“I wanna be just like my mom/dad when i get older” :)

•She’ll never admit it to you, but she just wants you to be proud of her

Zofia

•She strikes me as the daintier type but like at the same time not really??

•Shes definitely no stranger to fun

•She loves amusement parks and its one of her favorite places to go

•Surprise her with tickets to disneyland and she’ll cry

•She enjoys fashion but dislikes makeup so shes never really bothered trying to get good at it

•I think she has like, two different types of music she listens to

•She likes classical music when shes trying to focus on things like her hobbies or homework but indie music is her go to

•Mozart, Bach, Beach Bunny and Melanie Martinez being some of her favorites

•I think shes artistic too

•Her room always smells slightly of acrylic paint

•Her room is always really clean

•Other than that one single moldy coffee cup... iykyk

•it has a black and white minimalistic aesthetic

•But her walls have her favorite pieces that shes hand painted framed

•Along with a Van Gogh tapestry next to her bed

•A simple girl, she has a pink betta fish

•It probably has some fancy long name

•Like Elizabeth or Charlotte

•The tanks is perfectly matched to the aesthetic of her room

•She would take such good care of it it would live way past the life expectancy

•She probably takes some sort of martial arts class as well

•Like judo or karate and shes REALLY good at it

•Trophies and medals are all over your house because shes so proud of them

•She just keeps making you proud huh

Falco

•Oh this sweet child

•Hes so gullible

•Hes really smart but he just...believes everything Colt tells him

•And he always finds out its not true the hard way

•It would be dumb stuff that would send him into a crisis too

•Like Colt once told him that if he wasn’t asleep by midnight he would die or something and he actually believed it

•So when he couldn’t sleep he started saying his goodbyes to everyone LMAO

•After a teary eyed conversation you had to convince him it wasn’t true and made Colt apologize

•That gave him trust issues

•As i said in a previous headcanon, I think he would play a lot of instruments

•Piano, guitar and the cello are among his favorites

•He has the most diverse music taste out of all of them

•Its mostly mainstream music though

•He would just hear a song on the radio or on tik tok and would add it to his playlist if he liked it

•Resulting in the most random music

•From bands like coldplay, to doja cat, to cardi b to occasional kpop...

•His dirty secret is that he really likes boybands

•He loves backstreet boys, one direction and 5sos

•Gabi found out and made fun of him for it so he never told anyone after that

•His room is pretty bare and empty other than mass amounts of instruments

•Most of them he never even plays anymore

•He def has empty water bottles everywhere

•But the little bit that he does have in his room is organized chaos

•“Do you have a paperclip?” “to the left of my keyboard pedal on the floor” “Bro...” 

Udo

•B-Babie...

•One of his favorite things is watching a good mystery show or movie, especially the classics like Agatha Christie’s mysteries

•He loves writing them too!

•He takes it very seriously and probably has a mystery novel in the works that he plans to publish when he gets older

•Hes really passionate about it if you ask him about it he could talk about it for hours!

•He has a chameleon or a snake or some other reptile

•Gives it a cute name like Henry or a fandom name like Dobby

•Or something unique nature related like petrichor

•Its his lil buddy it always rides around on his shoulder :)

•His music taste is also diverse

•Zofia introduced him to indie music and he loves it

•He loves bands like The 1975, The Neighbourhood and Jack Stauber

•But his all time favorite band is The Beatles

•His favorite song is Beautiful Boy by John Lennon because it reminds him of when you used to sing to him when he was a little kid :)

•He collects The Beatles posters and vinyls and displays them on the walls in his room

•His room is pretty cluttered with things like clothes, books and school supplies strewn about but his desk is always spotless and organized

•Notebooks with story ideas, his laptop and a gaming controller being the only things on it

•His deepest secret is that he struggles with anxiety which makes him pretty clingy to you :(

•And he doesn’t want to keep sleeping in your bed like he did when he was little so he has a playlist of all the lullabies you sang to him when he was younger

•And he can’t sleep without it :(

•Hes not the most athletic, but I could see him joining the soccer team Falco and Gabi are on just for fun and tries to convince Zofia to join too

•Kinda sad but i think he cries himself to sleep a lot and doesn’t really know why

•Sometimes when he feels really really sad he comes into your room and you watch tv together until he falls asleep

•And hes v tiny so hes easy to carry into his room

•Hes my precious boy I love him so much :,(((((((((((

******

I have two more things I wanna publish for these absolute jelly beans before i take a break from writing for them unless y’all wanna request more hahahahaplzrequestthingshahaha

[sammysmaddy]

You (Sam x Reader)*

Summary: Sam has been watching you for quite some time now and one night he gets his opportunity to have you.

Characters: Stalker!Sam x Reader, Dean x Reader (AU, Sam and Dean don't know each other)

Rating: 18+

Chapter Warnings: Angst, stalking, dub con at the very least, non con beginning, p in v, protected sex (kind of) :), crying, oral (fem. receiving), talk of rape, implied attempted date rape (not from Sam), hand job ish, blowjob ish, rough sex, breeding kink ish, hair pulling. I think that's it.

W/C: Well over 10,000 :) I got carried away in the story lol.

A/N: Inspired by 'You' because I love crazy psycho people and it makes me more than happy to pretend that Sam could be like that too. Let me know if you want this to be a series ;)

Masterlist

Sam's POV

You looked so pretty on your date tonight. Your date is an arrogant, cocky son of a bitch, and I know you see it. I don't know what you find attractive about him, he doesn't care about you or how you're feeling- he only cares what you look like. You're just arm candy for his selfish need to be seen by everyone and you seem to be paying no attention to that fact. He ignores you when you talk, he looks down your shirt at your cleavage every time you turn your head, and he only talks about himself. Yet, most likely knowing all of this, you find him fascinating. You stay quiet when he speaks, you laugh at his half-assed jokes, you let him talk about you like you're not even there. When his friend came to talk from a few tables over, you let him degrade you. You let him talk about how perfect your body is, how compliant you are, and you smiled as he did so. But, you still didn't seem to mind. You blushed and took his disgusting words as a compliment. Maybe you're hoping that he'll be able to satisfy you at the end of the night or maybe the only thing that's keeping you sane are his green eyes. He doesn't even truly recognize how beautiful you are.

But I do. You, Y/N, I knew it was you ever since the first time we met. It was that small coffee shop in the middle of the city, so far from your house that I had a hard time tracking you down. After watching you, I realized that you don't even like coffee. You only like it when it's pumped full of sugar and completely diluted into almost zero caffeine. I purposefully bumped into you to get your attention and you apologized to me. Too bad you were in a hurry that day, I would have loved to get to know you right off the bat. I could have drank my coffee and you could have drank your sugar concoction and we could have talked until the store closed. I would have found out what interests you, what your hobbies were, what your family was like, and maybe in a few months, you would have invited me to meet them.

You weren't like all of the other girls. You're shy and you're sweet and you're too scared to tell the waiter when your order comes out wrong, you are the definition of perfect. You don't like overstepping boundaries or oversharing details about yourself because you're too scared that people might find you annoying, but you are just the opposite. You're everything I've ever wanted. Your head holds beautiful locks of hair, your nose crinkles when you smile, your eyes shut when you laugh too hard, and the best part is that you don't even have to try. Even when you don't wear makeup or focus on your appearance, you are just as breathtaking. You are intoxicating, you are the essence of beauty, you are meant for me- and for the fucked up fact of the day, you don't even know who I am.

You don't even know that I've been protecting you for the past six months, watching over you at home to make sure you don't choke on your food or accidentally hurt yourself. You don't know that I follow you to the store and through the parking lot to make sure nobody takes advantage of you. You don't know that I watch you every time you choose a random douchebag from the bar to take home or how I see that you can make any man come undone in less than three minutes. You don't know how much I envy them or how much I wished that you made those faces for me.

But they always let you down, don't they? It's like you don't love yourself, it's like you want to be used by all of those men. You never choose the right one and every time you're close to release, they beat you to the punch. I know the face you make when you come undone around your fingers and they rarely ever get the pleasure of seeing it for themselves. Then they leave you a mess that you have to sort out for yourself. I would never do that to you, Y/N. I would never leave you unsatisfied, I would leave you begging for more- I know it. I would be as gentle or as rough as you'd like, I'd find every sweet spot that made your back arch, taste how sweet you are, I'd know just how long to fuck you before you wanted to stop, I would make sure that you came before I did, I'd fill you perfectly. But maybe you wouldn't want that. Maybe, you'd want to use me- and I'd let you. I'd let you use me however your big heart desired, I'd let you ride me until the sun came up, I'd let you leave marks all over my body and claim me to let everyone know that I'm yours, I would embrace whatever kinks or fantasies you'd be too scared to share with anybody else, Hell- I'd let you tie me up and blindfold me if it meant I could feel you cum around my cock.

And maybe it's not even the sex that would make you satisfied. Maybe it would be the way I treated you. I would value you more than anything, I already do, I would make sure you fed yourself properly, I would kiss you goodnight and make sure the thermostat was on the perfect temperature. I would go with you to the stores, help you cook dinner, schedule your doctor's appointments for you. I'd make sure your coffee had the perfect amount of sugar in it, I'd always let you choose where we ate if we chose to go out, I'd let you show me off to all of your friends- treat me how all of those other men treat you. When it comes to you, Y/N, it doesn't matter what I want. It's all about you. It's been all about you since the first time I saw you.

The only flaw I can seem to find is the men you choose, but you're too sweet to turn them down- maybe, it isn't your fault. Maybe you don't actually like them. Maybe you see one good quality in them and try your best to focus on it, maybe you hope that they can bend and shape into what you want them to be. If only you knew how willing I would be to change for you. And don't get me wrong, I have problems too, Y/N. I can't seem to talk to you. I can't even get you to notice me. At first, I tried almost every day. I'd get to your doorstep and my hand would raise itself to knock, but then I would get scared. I didn't think it through properly and even when I did- I still couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't just show up at your door like that, I had to make sure when we met again that it would be perfect. But the time never came and it never felt right. That and, the more time went on the more my anxieties rose, and that caused problems within itself. What if I wasn't your type? What if you didn't like my jokes or the way I laughed? What if you thought I was too tall or I didn't have enough muscles? But the truth is if I didn't get the courage to actually talk to you- I wouldn't ever get the answers to those questions.

So I watched. Waited for the perfect time that never seem to come. You were laughing at that asshole's jokes like he was some sort of comedian. He wasn't. He was just some low life from Lawrence, Kansas, he wasn't good enough for you. Dean Winchester, he happened to be the most mysterious one yet. It was hard for me to find information about him, but not impossible. His father was a drunk, meaning he still had some emotional trauma- he could easily hurt you. He drove a beat-up Chevrolet Impala that screamed I'm a dick, but you found it fascinating. You don't even know anything about cars, why did you lie to him? He's been on national headlines more than once, sometimes even for murder, but those cases mysteriously went away. You wouldn't know any of this. You don't do your research. You should know who you're really with. But, luckily, you have me. I'll do all the nitty-gritty dirty work just for you. I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you, I'll make sure you're safe.

The end of the night was imminent as you stood up from your table. Dean stood up with you, leaving his chair untucked while you tucked yours under the table. Classic dick move. He gave you a cocky smirk, placing his hand out for you to take- and you did. You followed him into the parking lot and got in his car. I love you, but sometimes I wish you knew better. I started my own car's engine, opting to leave the lights off, as I trailed a few cars behind you. He was a reckless driver, swerving like a drunk and causing chaos, but I bet you found it funny. I bet you found him wild and daring, maybe that's your type. I could easily be that.

I was beginning to lose you, I didn't want to get a ticket for speeding and having my headlights off, but the streets looked more and more familiar. He was taking you to your house. It hurt my heart how sporadically you allowed random men into your house, but I got my kicks with everlasting memories from those nights- the thought was almost enough to give me an erection. He didn't know the backroads to your house, but I did. I beat you, parking across the street and turning my car off- hopefully, you thought I lived there by now. Then I heard the low rumble of his shitty car pulling up to your house and then you kissed him in the front seat. Were you really going to take him right there? Nope. He opened his door, awkwardly shuffling to reach yours before you could do it yourself, and then he opened your car door- the only gentlemanly thing he's done all night. You thanked him, patting down your jeans as if they were dirty. You shyly swiped your hair behind your ear, you were nervous. Why were you nervous? This was a weekly thing for you. Did you realize how bad of a guy he was?

I quickly put my beanie on, hoping that I would be less noticeable- but I'm a giant, hopefully, you're too tipsy to notice me. I had to be on my guard if you were nervous, so I stepped out of my car. I walked around the back, making sure I had my knife in my pocket and tried to watch you as inconspicuously as possible. You led him up the front porch, turning around before you reached the door. You gave him a warm smile and he placed a hand on the wood just above your head. His head lowered, placing a kiss on your lips so harshly that you fell back into the door. I got worried about him hurting you, but then you placed a hand on his chest. You pushed against him, lightly, knowing you- you probably didn't want to let him down. You shook your head and his head lowered again, forcing himself onto you as you squirmed underneath him.

This is why I'm here for you. This is why I'll always protect you, even if you don't know I'm doing it. My fight or flight mode activated and I pretended to walk down the street. I tried my best not to look as he shook the locked doorknob with his hand, trying to force himself in. I knew he wasn't good for you, Y/N. You're lucky that I'm here to save you. I reached the bottom of your steps, still on the public sidewalk, and pretended to notice what was happening. I could hear you whimpering, suffocated by his kiss. He was disgusting.

"Hey, man. I think she said stop," I yelled at him, but he didn't stop. I frowned, looking at how he was attacking you with his mouth. Cautiously, I took three steps up- so close to you and him. "Back off," I said, reaching the top step and yanked his shoulder.

He turned around, chest puffed but he was small compared to me. Your eyes widened, your lips a beautiful color of rose, and I barely heard him talking to me as I looked at you. So close I could almost taste you. "Mind your fucking business," He said, pushing at my shoulders and snapping me out of my trance- God, you are so powerful.

"Are you okay?" I asked you, ignoring his small hands that were just pushing against my frame. Your eyes stayed widened as you nodded your head up and down, but I knew better. He was going to hurt you, you were not okay.

"She's fucking fine, man. Get the fuck out of here," He grit through white teeth- almost as white as mine.

I tilted my head towards him and he raised his eyebrows at me, then the anger took over. I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to- and I didn't. My hand came up from lying lazily by my side and my fist collided with his cheek. I heard you gasp at the same time as the collision, it felt so good to hear you after all this time. He stumbled back, ready to full-on fight me, but you stepped in between us. You are so strong. He almost hit you, but he stopped himself just in time. He's lucky, if he would have laid his hands on you like that- he was going to be a dead man. Your hands smoothed down his chest, trying to calm him down. Why were you helping him? Your heart is just too big. Then, you turned around and faced me. You were breathtaking, even more so this close. I hadn't been this close to you since the coffee shop way back when. Your lips were perfectly plump and your eyes twinkled in the dim porch lighting. You were made for me.

"What's your name?" You asked me, nervously chewing on your bottom lip. Your eyes stayed wide and I fell in love with them on the spot.

"I- I'm Sam," I told you, stuttering just like I thought I would when I finally introduced myself to you, and you nodded your head cautiously.

"Well, Sam," You said and it was hard to pay attention to the rest of your sentence. My name sounded heavenly rolling off your tongue. "We are just, um, we're role-playing." You told me with question in your voice. I watched your throat as you swallowed anxiously. Huh, should have known you had those kinds of fantasies. "Right, Dean?" You asked, turning towards him and I watched as his eyebrows furrowed.

"What?" He asked in return, rubbing at the fresh fist mark on his face. "You know what? I've had a lovely night. Thank you, sweetheart, but I ought to get going." He gave you a fake smile, patting your shoulder in a friendly way, and shoving his way past me down the steps. I watched him as he got in his car and quickly drove away, then I turned to look at you. You were still nervous. He was gone, hopefully, you'd feel safe now.

"Thank you," You muttered quietly, giving me a soft smile. Your cheeks flushed a beautiful shade of crimson and I smiled back at you.

"I can stay around. You know, make sure he's gone for sure," I told you and you immediately shook your head 'no'. Oh, Y/N, I'm not the bad guy. Stop looking at me like you're so scared.

"I'm okay. Thank you anyways," You told me, reaching into your pocket and digging out your house key. Your eyes strayed away from mine, even before you turned around to unlock the front door.

"I, uh, I really don't mind. I just want to make sure you're safe," I pressed on as you unlocked the door. You didn't open it though, you turned around to look at me.

"Sam, really. I'm okay. You can go home now." You said with haste in your tone. I tilted my head and furrowed my eyebrows, what was so important that you couldn't talk to me for a few minutes? You turned around, opening your front door, and let yourself inside. You were getting away.

"Y/N, really, I can make sure he doesn't come back," I said, now haste was in my tone, as I stopped you from closing the door on me.

You pushed against my hand before you stopped, realizing that I was much stronger than you. It wasn't meant to scare you, but you looked like you had just seen a ghost. Your face grew pale as you looked at me, tears welling in your eyes as they stared into mine. Why were you so upset? Maybe you didn't find me attractive- I really hope that wasn't the case. I pushed the door open lightly and you stood there in all your glory, but you fiddled with your fingers nervously. I watched as the tears ran down your cheeks, wondering what the hell happened to you that made you so upset. But I was here to help. Like I said earlier, I'm always going to be here to help you. I slowly stepped into your house to show you that I'm not a threat and wrapped my arms around you. I felt you tremble in my grip and you didn't hug me back. Was I making you upset? I hadn't done anything to you, maybe it was Dean. Maybe you lied to me so that I didn't know what he was about to do to you. You can trust me, I hope you know that.

"Please, stop," You whimpered in a small voice and I pulled back immediately, your wish is my command Y/N. My hands smoothed down your arms, holding your hands as I looked down at you to see what was wrong. You jerked your hands out of mine and took a step back. I took a step forward. I had to make sure you were okay. "I need you to leave, please." You told me, sniffling your way through the sentence. I don't understand. I just saved you and you want me to leave? You took another step back and I took another one forward. "Please, Sam. You're scaring me." You told me, so vulnerable and honest, but you still used the word please.

"I'm sorry. I just- I needed to know you were going to be okay," I admitted to you, hoping that you would calm down- but you didn't. You chewed on your bottom lip anxiously, almost hard enough to draw blood. Did I do something wrong? Why were you being like this? "Why are you still scared?" I asked you, brushing the hair out of your face and you winced.

"I- I don't know," You told me, grabbing my hand lightly and pushing it down my side. You were so warm, I can't want to feel you everywhere. But I couldn't get past your last comment. You were lying. Why would you lie to me?

"Why are you lying?" I asked you and you shook your head in defiance.

"I- I'm not. I promise," You replied, your shaking breath told me otherwise.

"Y/N, you don't have to be scared of me," I said, realizing exactly where I fucked up. Your name. You never told me it and here I was acting like I knew you, I was getting ahead of myself. "I, uh, you're my neighbor. That's how I know your name." I tried to cover myself, chuckling nervously, but you shook your head again. Shit, I really fucked up.

"No, you're not," You told me, your voice almost cracking as fresh tears continued to spill down your face.

"Okay, but my grandparents-" I began to reexplain myself.

"No, they don't," You cut me off and I tilted my head at you, how would you know? "I- I know you've been following me." You bit your lip and my heart dropped into my stomach. Fuck, maybe you do pay attention to your surroundings.

"I can explain-" I told you, but you made a run for it. Your feet took you surprisingly fast up the stairs and I felt my heart beat out of my chest. I didn't know what else to do, you were going to call the cops on me- get me arrested, I couldn't let that happen. I ran after you, but you reached your bedroom door and slammed it in my face. I shook the door handle, knowing it was most likely already locked, and began to curse at myself. "Please, Y/N! Just let me in, I promise I can explain everything to you!" I yelled, desperately shaking the door as I heard you sobbing on the other side.

"Sam, just go. I- I won't call the cops if you leave. I promise, Sam. I promise." You told me in between choked sobs and my heart broke for you.

This was not how I imagined meeting you again would go. As much as you sounded like you believed the words coming out of your mouth, I couldn't take that chance. I didn't have any other plan but to speak to you and I was not going to go to jail for wanting to have a conversation. I dug in my pocket for my lock-pick, which I always kept in case someone was hurting you or you were in trouble. Little did I know I would be using it to let myself in your room. I wasn't really sure how to use it, so I fiddled it around a bit- knowing you could hear my desperation. Then the lock clicked and I silently applauded myself, opening the door to see you sitting on your window ledge. You looked back at me as I ran towards you and you jumped. You're lucky my long legs reached you before you fell and hurt yourself. I pulled you up, collapsing backward as I held you in my arms. You were silently crying, not bothering to break away from my grip and it felt good to feel your heart beating against my chest. It wasn't exactly ideal, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. You were perfect no matter how much you feared me.

"It's okay, Y/N. I just want to talk," I said in a quiet voice, stroking your wet hair strands out of your face. You shivered in my grip, turning your head away from my hand and I frowned. Why are you so difficult? Why can't you just let me love you?

"Are you going to hurt me?" You asked in a soft tone, still looking forward like you didn't want to look at me.

"No, of course not. Why would I hurt you?" I asked in return and you didn't reply for a good ten seconds.

"I'm sorry," You told me and I almost let myself fall for it. You attacked too quickly, shoving your elbow into my ribs as you scrambled to get up. You began to run towards the door, but I grabbed your ankle and you fell on the floor. It didn't have to be this way, Y/N, you just had to make it painful. "Please, Sam," You choked out as I sat on my knees, pulling you closer to me by your ankle. You turned yourself around, propping yourself on your elbows, and looked at me with glossy eyes. I used your thighs to pull you closer to my lap, letting them linger there when I got you where I wanted you. "Sam, let's just- let's talk, okay?" You asked me frantically and I didn't understand why your tone changed so drastically until I looked down.

"Oh, sorry," I told you as I realized how uncomfortable it might be for you to be so intimately close with me. You pulled your thighs off of mine and sat across from me, holding onto your knees for dear life. "Just promise you won't run from me, okay?" I asked you and you nodded your head slowly. Finally, now we can actually talk. "I- I have had a, um, a liking for you for-"

"Six months," You muttered, burying your head in your knees. Were you really that smart or was I really that dumb? Why didn't you do anything?

"You knew?" I asked in confusion and you nodded your head. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I did. They didn't believe me," You sniffled and I frowned. It made me upset that you went to the police before you decided to have a conversation with me. I hadn't even done anything to you and you tried to get me put in jail?

"You what?" I seethed through my teeth, feeling my blood boil. I didn't mean to get angry with you, but everything was falling apart too quick and it was the only way I could tell you I was upset. Your body shivered with my sharp words, but you didn't say anything. "Y/N, tell me exactly what you told the police," I told you, starting to panic. What if you told Dean and Dean was on his way to the station now? I needed to know. I reached across, meaning to be light-handed but it didn't exactly work out that way as I shook your arms so that you would look at me. "Tell me."

"I just- I was scared," You told me, finally looking up and showing me the fear I unintentionally instilled in you. "I didn't tell them anything, I just told them I was scared." You trembled, sounding like you were telling the truth for a change. Maybe you were just saying that so I would leave you alone. Not going to happen. You betrayed me. But still, I never meant to hurt you, that was my fault. We all have our faults, Y/N, and mine is growing in my boxers because of how close we are. You drive me crazy.

"It's okay, Y/N. It's going to be okay," I told you, pushing your hair behind your back and you stayed still. My thumbs wiped the tears off of your cheeks, only for your eyes to produce more. You're so sad, but you're still just as beautiful as ever. I couldn't help myself, holding your face in my hands brought an excitement in me that I couldn't contain as I smashed my lips onto yours. To my surprise, you didn't move. You didn't pull back or fight me, you just sat there and let me kiss you. Your lips were so soft, I just wished they kissed me back. "Just let me make you feel better."

"Please, Sam I-" You began to say, but I put my index finger over your lips. You were going to say everything I didn't hear and I want for the both of us to enjoy this as much as possible.

"It's okay, Y/N. You don't have to do anything, just let me love you." I told you, not waiting for your reply as I pressed my lips onto yours. Your mouth parted slowly, I suspect to protest, but it gave me the perfect access to shove my tongue inside of you. You tasted like sweet wine and chapstick as I explored every inch of your mouth, you were so much warmer than I expected. You didn't move your lips but that's okay, I'll do all the work for you. My hands travel from your cheeks and down to your neck, pulling you in closer to me. You were already close, but I couldn't help but feel like I needed you closer.

You whimpered into my mouth but I pretended that it was a moan as I trailed my lips down your cheek. They reached your neck, sucking in hard enough to leave a mark but not hard enough to hurt you, and I couldn't help but imagine- if your neck tasted this good, then how would your pussy taste? My erection was growing stronger, itching to get out of its confines as I continued to kiss your neck. I heard you choke yet again another sob, but I knew you wanted me- or else you wouldn't let me do this to you. You let me pull you closer, straddling your hips around my waist as I became drunk on the kisses that I was giving you. Your legs tightened around my waist and your arms lazily landed around my shoulders- surely you wouldn't do that if you didn't want me.

It gave me even more confidence, my hands reached up to cup your perfect breasts through your simple blue shirt. You always looked good in blue. Your breasts were the perfect handful for me, soft and warm skin that I couldn't wait to suck on. I couldn't help but groan into your neck as I imagined all of the things that I wanted to do to you. But, as I was kissing you, you pushed on my chest. You were light-handed, almost like you didn't want to hurt me, and you looked into my eyes.

"I thought you just wanted to talk," You said, lowering your head to look down at the predicament you got yourself in. My hands supported your lower back, making sure that you didn't fall backward and hurt yourself. It felt so good to have you this close to me, and maybe you knew I had been watching you, but you probably didn't know how much I dreamt this day would come. "Sam, are you listening?" You asked me and I realized that I wasn't. I was too busy looking at your body on top of mine, relishing the weight I felt as you sat on top of me, but maybe you know just what I like. Maybe you know I love it when you say my name, you seem to say it a lot.

"What's wrong?" I asked you as I continued to watch the tears stream down your face, but you shook your head as if nothing was wrong.

"I'm not sober. Don't you want me when I'm sober?" You asked me and I almost took a few seconds to think about it- but then I realized that you just didn't want to be with me. I worked too damn hard for too damn long for you to slip away from me, we're so close, you should just enjoy the time we have together.

"You only had two glasses of wine, Y/N," I told you, and you bit your bottom lip, knowing that I was right- you were definitely sober. I almost got angry again, it upsets me deeply when you lie to me, but then I looked at your lip. I always loved it when you would bite your lip, you're lucky you're so beautiful, or else I would be very unhappy that you weren't telling the truth. "What's wrong?" I asked again, why was I not good enough for you?

"Sam, I'm sure you're a great guy..." Here comes the 'but', "...but maybe I'm not the right girl for you. You deserve someone who loves you just the same, and I'm sorry, I just don't." You told me, trying your best to let me down easy. I'll admit, it hurt to hear those words come out of your mouth, it hurt to hear things that I didn't want to hear. Here comes my 'but'... but I still love you no matter what. I just wish I never gave you the opportunity to speak up in the first place. I won't make that mistake again.

"I don't want to hurt you, Y/N, but you know I can't just leave. You know how long I've been waiting to have you all to myself," I told you honestly, hoping that you would understand where I was coming from. You nodded your head, fresh tears spilling down your rosy cheeks, and I gave you a soft smile. I knew you didn't want this, Hell, I didn't want this- I never wanted it to be so one-sided, but I tried my best to get past that. You being so compliant just shows me how much you were made for me. You couldn't even let me down even after knowing that I've been watching you for quite some time. You're so sweet that it makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. "I want you to enjoy this too." I told you and you stayed silent, which is fine- I am going to lose it if you tell me that you don't want me again. "Can you walk over to your bed with me?" I asked and it took you a few seconds before you nodded your head.

I helped you stand up, holding tightly onto your hand to make sure you didn't escape- but not tight enough to the point where you might think it was to hurt you. You faced me at the edge of your beautifully made bed, another thing I loved about you was how nice you kept your room, and you looked up to me for instruction. Your eyes are wide and glossy, but they're not spilling tears anymore. I hope it's because you want this and not because your tear well is empty, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore because I am finally going to have you. I dipped down to kiss your cheek and you didn't even flinch, maybe I'm growing on you. My hands landed tightly on your waist, picking you up and setting you on the bed. Now you're eye level with me and I take this perfect opportunity to kiss you again. My fingers travel up your body and lock themselves into your hair, pulling your face closer to mine and I wrap my lips onto yours. Just as soft, a little less salty as earlier, and becoming plumper as I suck on them.

You surprise me when your hands land on my waist and it sends a jolt of electricity through my body before I realize you're trying to push me away. It's okay, Y/N, I'll push through to you. I grab your wrists, I'll admit a little too harshly for my liking, and push them to your sides while I continue to devour your lips. I push my hips closer to yours, pressing against your clothed core, and you whimper into my mouth. You sound just as divine as I thought you would. I pull at the bottom of your shirt and naturally you fight me, but sooner or later you will realize that I will get what I want. Lifting your shirt above your head, I try my best not to look up at your face because I don't want to see the hurt in your eyes. I'm not hurting you. I'm making you feel better. I am making up for all of those shitty guys who could never satisfy you the way that you deserve to be satisfied.

Your shirt hits the floor and my mouth waters at the sight of your slightly clothed chest. I reach around your back to unclasp the simple black bra that you always wear on the nights that you take men home, I wonder why you fought Dean tonight- but I push that to the back of my mind as the fabric falls down your arms and reveals your perfect breasts. You're sobbing again, I can hear it, but all my mind can focus on is the fact that- right here, right now, you are all mine and nobody can take that away from me, not even you. I tried to be nice, I tried the talking thing, you cried and cried, but then I realized that you'd never give yourself to me like that. I'm not your usual guy, I don't go to bars or try to charm you by getting you drunk, I don't try to charm you by talking about myself- I've barely even talked to you at all, maybe I'm not your type. That's okay, it's just one night, Y/N. You owe me that much.

My hands find your breasts, cupping them until I feel your nipples harden against my palms. They're almost rock solid when I go to pinch them and the surrounding skin is prickled with goosebumps, I can feel myself growing harder in my jeans.

"Wait, Sam," You told me just before I lowered my face into your chest. I pulled back to look at you and you bit your lip again- it's like you know exactly how to get me going. "You've been watching me for a long time now, right?" You asked me, nervousness in your shaking breath. I nodded my head, hoping that you were becoming more willing to share yourself with me- it is definitely the best way to have you, but not my only choice if I had to. "So, you know I use condoms, then. I, uh, I don't like birth control because it-"

"Because it makes you cry too much," I cut you off before you can fully explain it. You frown at me and I tilt my head in return, I was just saving you time because I knew it would have taken you a while to explain.

"Sam, you're a freak, I hope you know that," You mutter under your breath and it's almost enough to make me knock you out, but I'll give you another try. I'm not a freak... I just love you a little more than I should. "Condoms are in-"

"Bottom drawer, left side," I finish your sentence, see how well I know you? Don't you see how much I care for you? You nod your head and you get goosebumps all over your body again, your nipples like delicate flowers blooming in the springtime.

All right, we're definitely getting somewhere. By you telling me this- caring about how I take you, shows me that maybe just maybe you want me too. I leave you there, trusting you not to run anymore, and I make my way to your nightstand. The bottom drawer encases well over a hundred rubbers, all different sizes, even different flavors which is interesting because you don't let them in your mouth. I pick a random one up, hoping that maybe it will fit, but then again I don't really care. You're lying back on the bed, arms covering your chest, and looking back at me. You are so effortlessly beautiful, so pretty when you're not trying to fight me off. I walk back to the edge of the bed and you don't pick your head up to look at me, but it's okay. I'll take what I can get- at least you're not crying anymore.

I climb on, the weight of my body into the soft mattress making you fall a little bit closer to me. It's like you knew I was going to move your arms as you lay them at your side, fully exposing your bare chest to me. I give you a small smile and you roll your eyes at me in return, you're lucky I find it cute when you do that. As much as I want to stare at you like this for eternity, the twitching member in my pants tells me that I should get you even more undressed. You lay there, almost lifeless, as I thumb your jeans open. I undo the zipper, taking my time with it as I hook my fingers into the waistband. You don't help me or lift your hips when I start to pull down, which is fine, you're perfect just the way you are. Then, your jeans hit the floor and your panties are the only thing in the way from me seeing all of you. You look beautiful like this and I waste no time taking my own shirt off.

When I turn around to throw my shirt on the ground I feel your hands on my stomach. They're small and warm as they smooth along the dips of my muscles and I turn back to look at you. My eyebrows furrow in confusion and when you smile at me all of my concerns melt away. You move around, which makes my heart beat out of my chest, and you end up on your knees in front of me. For a change of pace, I don't know what to do when your hands pull my head closer to you and you place your lips on mine. When I kiss you back and rest my hands on the sides of your neck, your fingers leave my hair and land comfortably on my sides. It feels so good to have you kiss me back, you're nipping at my bottom lip with your teeth and swirling your tongue inside of me. Months I waited for this to happen and it's even more surreal than I thought it would be. You know what you're doing and it's evident by the way you lead my lips back and forth with your own. I knew you were perfect when I chose you. Then you pull back and my lips chase yours.

"Am I the freak now?" You ask me, your eyes soft. I shake my head 'no' and I feel your delicate fingers trail down my v-line to the top of my jeans. I look down as they unsecured the button, blinking a few times to make sure I wasn't having a hallucination, and I hear you giggle softly. "Why didn't you just ask for my number, Sam? I mean, I'm flattered, really- I just wish it didn't happen like this." You told me and I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out, and you continued to talk for me. "You're handsome, you're tall, you seem like you have a lot of problems. If you really knew me then you would realize that you're my exact type. Why didn't you just talk to me?" You asked, looking into my eyes as you roughly pushed my jeans down. I was stunned, was this real life? You were just crying, refusing to kiss me back, and now you're trying to tell me that I should have asked for your number? "I'm assuming you're the reason that the creepy cashier ended up on the five o'clock news? He was beaten up pretty badly, Sam. You didn't have to do that for me." You told me and I still couldn't find the right words, that was months ago. He was going to hurt you, I heard him talk about it with his friends, I saved you. But you knew it was me? I should be the one asking why you didn't come up to me when you figured that one out, why you didn't thank me as soon as it happened. "Would that have happened to me too?"

"No, of course not. I'd never hurt you, Y/N," I told you, cupping your cheek and you rolled your eyes again, swatting my hand away.

"You didn't think that raping me would be painful? Or leave me scarred for life?" You scoffed and I shook my head in protest.

"No, I didn't want to hurt you like that, but you kept fighting, and- No, I'm not like that," I sighed, trying my best to come up with a reasonable explanation for you.

"But, you are like that, Sam," You counteracted me and I frowned. I was hoping you'd never see me that way, all I wanted was to show you how much I loved you.

"But, I didn't have to be that way. I mean, look at where we are-" I began to reexplain myself again, but you shook your head immediately.

"Don't you dare act like I asked for this. Don't do it. I'm making this better for me, not for you." You cut me off and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Is that really the way you see me? Is that the only reason you kissed me back and pushed my jeans down my thighs? "Don't look so sad. Take what you want and go." You told me, bitterness in your voice as you shoved your hand in my boxers. I couldn't help but let out a throaty groan when your soft hand wrapped around me, pumping me even though I was already fully hard for you. You never did this with anyone else, though. You always let them prepare themselves, I couldn't help but feel like I was special. I kissed you hard as you continued to twist me in all directions, masking my moans in your mouth as I could already feel myself getting close- but I wasn't going to cum, not yet. This was all about you.

I pushed you back lightly, following you with my mouth as your back hit the soft mattress. Your hand worked wonders as my lips trailed down your neck, sucking in your wonderful scent and even tasting the bitterness of your perfume. My hand reached your wrist, pulling you out of my boxers, and I rested it by your side. I kicked my jeans down my legs and onto the floor as I climbed off the bed. Pulling you by your thighs, I heard you gasp as I dragged you down to the edge of the bed. My hands worked hastily, guiding your black panties down your legs in one swift move and purposefully throwing them on top of my jeans- so I could keep them for memory's sake.

Then I looked back down at your naked body, your slick glistening in the dim lighting as I licked my lips. You were perfectly wet for me and I couldn't wait any longer to dive into your heat. My knees hit the carpet as I wrapped my hands around your thighs, holding you down and placing my tongue on you. Your back arched, your hands found their place in my hair, and small moans left your mouth as I drank all of the sweetness from your body. You tasted so much better than I could ever have imagined and your whimpers sounded heavenly, especially after knowing that I was causing them. Your clit was easy to find and I wrapped my lips around it, causing you to lift your thighs but I held them down for easier access. The sounds coming from your mouth combined with the noises coming from latching onto you was a deadly combination and motivated me even further to continue to try and burst the coil that I knew was growing in your stomach.

In all of my time watching those men take you, very few had the pleasure of tasting you- and when they did, they would go on for a minute or so before becoming selfish and getting ahead of themselves. Sex isn't a one-sided thing and I understand that, I want you to feel just as good as I will later on. I won't leave until I rip an orgasm from your body and I know you're getting close. I'm alternating from sucking and kitten licks on your sensitive sweet spot and you have yet to cease from moaning underneath me. Your moans are almost enough to make me come undone inside of my boxers, you sound so perfect. But maybe they just aren't as good as I am. Maybe I only need a minute to have you cumming in my mouth because your hands in my hair are gripping tighter, your thighs are getting harder to hold down, and you're screaming yes. You taste sweeter and more natural than honey and my mouth is making obscene noises as I try my best to coerce your first orgasm. I let go of your thighs, opting to hold onto your hips, and they wrap around my head. Your legs push me deeper into your core and it's getting harder to breathe but I don't care. My nose is just above your heat, my chin is deliciously soaked in you, and your legs are starting to shake against my ears.

Soon enough, you're screaming profanities and coming undone under my influence, but I won't stop until I work you through it. Your breathing is unsteady as you spill fresh juices onto my tongue and your hands attempt to push me away. Lapping up all of your climax and letting my taste buds soak in how good you taste, you begin to whine uncomfortably. I figure it's time to stop, so I flatten my tongue and start at your core- leading up until I feel you shudder underneath me when I hit your bundle of nerves. Your legs relax as I pull my face up, wiping my chin off on my forearm, and I smile- knowing that I'm going to smell like you by the time I leave.

"See, this isn't all about me, Y/N," I smirk, a little cockier than usual, and you give me a small and out-of-breath smile. "When was the last time you came because of a guy?" I asked you and you shrugged your shoulders.

"I- um, maybe a few months ago," You said breathlessly, your smile never fading from your lips.

"Four months ago. An asshole named Rich, but it was only because you were watching a sex scene on your TV, wasn't it?" I asked you, hovering over you and placing a kiss on your lips. You didn't care that you had just came in my mouth nor that I answered your question better than you did, you kissed me back hungrily and wrapped your hands around my neck. You even trailed my lips as I lifted up, whining when they disconnected, and I knew there was no way you didn't want me. You could put on a front and say that you didn't ask for it, and I might have believed you, but, ultimately, I would have known you were lying.

Your hands pushed against my chest and I stumbled a few feet back. I looked at you in confusion and you gave me an innocent smile as you climbed off of the bed. "You know I don't do this, right?" You asked, lowering onto your knees at my feet. I couldn't help but feel nervous when your hand wrapped around me, I've never seen you do this with anyone before. "Hm?" You asked again and I felt my breath hitch in my throat as you stroked my cock in your hands.

"I- I know," I told you, gulping eagerly, and watching as you wrapped your lips around me. A guttural moan escaped my throat at the sensation of your warm tongue circling around my tip, sucking lightly, and collecting all of the precum I produced just for you. I don't know what changed or made you decide to do this, but I didn't mind. I didn't even think about the possibility of feeling your lips wrapped around me- I never saw you do it with anyone else and I didn't get my hopes up. So, now, I'm here and you're sucking me down and I feel completely ill-prepared. It almost made me feel pathetic when I felt my climax bubbling too quickly and you had only been working me for thirty seconds, but with another fifteen I would be spilling into your mouth- I couldn't let that happen.

My hands entangled in your hair and pulled you off, your lips making a loud pop as they disconnect from my length. You gave me a shit-eating grin when I helped you stand up, knowing exactly how good you were. Maybe you never sucked their dicks because you didn't want them to cum before they got the chance to please you.

"You know what you didn't learn about me, Sammy?" You asked in a tone so close to a whisper as you grabbed me in your hand again. You gave me a nickname, don't think I take that lightly. My eyes looked down and back up into yours- which seemed so innocent and young it was hard to believe that your body count was so high. "I don't cum because they're not rough enough." You told me, hinting at your devious fantasies, making my urge to fuck your brains out ten times stronger. "Are you going to be able to help me with that or are you too eager already?" You asked with a cocky smirk, twisting your hand around me faster. The best part was knowing that you were taunting me on purpose- you wanted all of the power, you didn't want me to get the chance because you know the effects that you have on me. You wanted for me to cum in your hand, show you that I'm just like the rest of them. I know you, Y/N, and I'm not going to let you down no matter how low you think of me.

My head dipped down, ghosting your lips and taunting you like you were taunting me before I grabbed your arms and spun you around. You squealed when I pressed a firm hand on your back, keeping you down as I got prepared to make you wish you didn't ask for it rough. Then, I gave you no warning as I guided myself to your entrance, slamming myself fully into you.

"You forgot the condom," You whined as my legs hit the back of your thighs. If I ever wanted a chance to do this again, I knew I had to listen to you, so I pulled out. Reaching over you, I grabbed the foil on your bed and quickly ripped into the package. My big ass fingers had a hard time unrolling the lubricated rubber and putting it around my painfully hard cock. Just before I put it all the way on, I made sure to clip the end with my fingernails- leaving a small hole that you wouldn't be able to see me make anyways. "Thank you." You told me and I smiled, knowing you wouldn't be able to tell a difference anyway. If this one time happened to get you pregnant, it would be a blessing- there'd be no way for you to escape me.

Then, I decided to try again. I held myself in my hand, not particularly fond of the residue the condom left and nudged the tip of my cock at your entrance. I grabbed onto your hips and pulled you back on to me, only to slam into you which pushed you forward. You were so much tighter than I expected, so much warmer around me, and you sounded so good when you gasped. I took no time waiting to pull out and slam back into you again, the noise of the bed creaking mixing perfectly with your loud whimpers. Your cunt squeezed around my cock as I quickly found the perfect pace to fuck you at. I would be fully inside of you for less than a second before I would pull out and do it all again. One hand stayed on your hip while the other grabbed the back of your head, pulling your chest off of the bed and making your back arch. This position felt so much better and I knew that the new angle was sure to make the tip of my cock hit your g-spot with every thrust by the way you were moaning. You were whispering fuck under your breath every time my hips hit your ass, gripping the soft comforter under you for support.

I fucked into you fast and hard, just like you said you liked, and I silently thanked myself for jogging every day. My stamina was unmatched and I was able to keep the pace that had you screaming for more. I was surprised with myself for not cumming the second I entered you, but I needed for you to cum again before I did. The hand that rested on your hip moved to your clit, making your legs shake underneath me. You were close, you were screaming that you were close, and it all sounded like music to my ears. Your cunt dangerously clenched around me every time I pulled out like you were trying to milk me, but I knew it wasn't on purpose. I knew you were clenching around me because your climax was coming much faster than you could have imagined, it was just your body naturally responding to mine and I knew, now more than ever, that God made you for me.

Your palms grasped onto the blanket, making your knuckles turn white, as your body jolted forward with every thrust. "Fuck, Sam!" You screamed and I bent over to kiss at your neck, humming into you as I tried not to cum at the sound of my name leaving your lips. Your hand came down, pushing my fingers harder onto your clit and you moaned loudly as you came undone for the second time. Your legs were shaking erratically as you pulled my hand away from your core, squeezing my fingers tightly as you practically cried around me. You were holding my hand and it was sweaty, but it felt so good to hold you like this. I kept the pace up, fucking you hard throughout the entirety of your orgasm, using your sweet cries as inspiration for my own that was coming sooner than later. Pulling my lips away from your neck, I let go of your hair and grasped onto your hips again. I was grunting, moaning, and groaning as I fucked you faster than before. It wasn't hard to chase my release as your body collapsed onto the bed and I stilled in your cunt, fully inside of you as I felt my climax leave my body. Panting for breath, I stayed inside of you until my orgasm washed over me and I could barely see straight or hear your whimpers.

When I pulled out, I quickly took the condom off and got rid of the evidence, hoping to god that you wouldn't notice that my cum was slowly leaking out of your cunt- hopefully, you'd think it was your own. You rolled onto your back, panting, giving me a tired smile, and cupped your breasts because I assumed it was just comfortable. I hovered over you, placing one last kiss on your lips before I turned around and began to dress myself. Pulling my boxers up, I watched as you propped yourself on your elbows and you frowned at me.

"You're leaving?" You asked me and it made me stop in my tracks, isn't that what you wanted? You never let anyone else stay, even the guy that ended up making you cum, so why were you asking? "You decided you're going to stalk me for six months, give me the best sex of my life, and then leave?" You asked again, light laughter leaving your lips.

"You- you want me to stay?" I asked, uneasiness in my voice, as I prayed that you would say yes.

"If you promise not to murder me in my sleep, I'll even cook you breakfast," You said with a small smile plastered on your face.

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 15

Sandwiches and Self-Jealousy

Chapter 14 | Masterlist | Chapter 16

Warnings: Jealousy, half-lying, mentions of abandonment issues

Virgil shot up, surprised by Janus slamming the door upstairs. He stared at his phone. What was he supposed to do? He’s been flirting with his 3 crushes as Anxiety, and they don’t know that he’s Anxiety. Virgil sighed, gathering up what courage he had left. Might as well gather intel.

V- (1:10 PM) You’ve been flirting with THE Anxiety?!?

L- (1:10 PM) More like he was flirting with us.

P- (1:11 PM) You know Anxiety, Kiddo?

V- (1:11 PM) Yeah, I’m a fan of his

V- (1:11 PM) Are you sure that he’s flirting? Last I heard he was dating his bandmates

L- (1:12 PM) He said that he was flirting with me, but I don’t think he means it as a romantic gesture. He seemed more interested in my consent than my unavailability.

V- (1:12 PM) Wait, why were you guys okay with each other flirting with strangers?

R- (1:13 PM) We might all have the teensiest tiny crush on him

Virgil felt his cheeks heat up. They all had crushes on Anxiety? What was Virgil supposed to do with that information? Should he ignore it? Or should he try and be more serious with them as Anxiety, to see if he has a chance as a rockstar instead of a faceless friend?

Virgil suddenly felt something stirring in his gut. It took a few moments to recognize the feeling: Jealousy. Virgil had been pining after his crushes for months. He was not losing his chance to a person they’d only known for a week. Sure, that person was also Virgil, but it was the principle of it, Dammit! Virgil thought about it. While it would be easier to date them as Anxiety, he’d much rather date them as Virgil. Maybe I can give myself a leg-up through Anxiety. Virgil thought about it for several more minutes. This could work. Finally smiling, Virgil turned back to his phone.

V- (1:20 PM) Okay, you guys wanna get closer to Anxiety?

V- (1:20 PM) How does VIP tickets to their next concert sound?

R- (1:21 PM) SERIOUSLY?!?

R- (1:21 PM) YES PLEASE!

P- (1:22 PM) You don’t have to, Kiddo!

V- (1:22 PM) The concert’s on February 17th. Consider it a Valentine’s Day gift from me to you guys.

L- (1:22 PM) The concert is in less than 3 weeks. How do you have VIP tickets? Were you intending on using them, Virgil?

V- (1:23 PM) No, I just know a few people

V- (1:23 PM) By the way, where did you find that album, Lo?

L- (1:23 PM) I am at home right now due to nasopharyngitis. A coworker of mine dropped this off as an early birthday present. He said that I might find it useful. I assume that he saw Anxiety visiting me at the library and recognized him.

Virgil sighed. He’d have to pay more attention. He’d dropped his guard down when interacting with them. He didn’t want anyone else recognizing him.

R- (1:25 PM) Well, I must take my leave. I have lunch with Anxiety today, so I will inform him of our situation.

P- (1:25 PM) DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT OUR CRUSH ON HIM!

R- (1:25 PM) I WON’T!

Virgil swore, getting up. He’d completely forgotten about his lunch with Hottie/Roman. He quickly grabbed his stuff before running out the door. He sent a quick text to Janus, telling him that he had left. He speed-walked to the sandwich shop that Roman liked, ordering the same sandwich that Roman ordered every time, as well as one for himself. Before he knew it, he was standing outside of the theatre, sandwiches in hand. He sat there, remembering what he wanted to say to Roman. Roman soon walked out, a nervous yet somewhat awe-struck look on his face.

Flirt Mode: Activated

“Hey, Hottie. Ready for sandwiches and banter?” Anxiety held out the sandwich, a teasing glint in his eyes.

“We need to talk.” Anxiety startled slightly. He knew that Roman wanted to talk to him about his identity, but he didn’t think that he’d be this direct.

“Sure, mind if we sit down? My back is killing me.” They sat down on the sidewalk, uncomfortable silence between them. Anxiety opened his mouth to break the tension. “So-”

“I know you’re Anxiety.” Roman’s voice was soft, softer than Anxiety ever remembered it being. He stared down at the concrete. “And I know that I’m not the only person that you’re flirting with. You’ve actually been flirting with my 2 boyfriends. I just thought you should know that I knew before we continued anything. I don’t want to trick you or lie to you.”

Anxiety felt a wave of guilt overcome him. He shouldn’t be leading them astray like this. But what could he say? Hey, I’m also the guy that’s been texting you for the past 7 months. Hope this doesn’t pressure you into liking me. Anxiety mentally shook his head. No, he couldn’t do that. But he also couldn’t fully lie to them. Maybe some half-lies would make it better?

“I already knew.” Roman’s eyes shot up.

“How? We just figured it out today!”

“Apparently you told my friend too. Unless he made up the exact same story when he asked for the VIP tickets?” There, Virgil can be Anxiety’s friend. Close enough to where it would make sense for Anxiety and Virgil to know things that they shouldn’t, while far enough to draw away suspicion.

Roman’s jaw dropped. “You know Virgil?”

Anxiety nodded, taking a bite out of his sandwich. “Mmhm. He’s a good friend of mine. He sometimes goes on tour with us.”

Before Anxiety could even blink, he suddenly had a face full of Roman. “What’s he like?”

Anxiety stared, dumbfounded. “What?”

Roman huffed, the light never leaving his eyes. “Virgil. What’s he like? I’ve been talking to him for months, but we’ve never met face-to-face. So, what’s he like?”

It took a few moments for Anxiety to talk again. He wanted to know about Virgil? Not the literal rockstar in front of him? “Well, he’s sarcastic, for one (yep). He likes to spend money on people he cares about (you, Logan, Patton). He bounced around the foster system for a while, but I don’t know why (why didn’t anyone want me?). He has really bad anxiety (hence the persona), so he doesn’t go to any of my concerts (not as Virgil). He talks about you a lot (I can’t stop myself. I bring at least one of you up in every conversation I have with J and Re).”

“He does?” He looked so… happy? Hopeful? Unsettled? Virgil couldn’t tell.

“Yeah, he’s always blabbering about what you said that day or what he’s planning on getting you (not a lie). So, now that you know what I think of him, now it’s your time to spill. Who’s Virgil to you?”

Roman suddenly had a strange look on his face. Anxiety couldn’t name the emotion in his eyes. “Virgil is… different. He has such a cynical view of the world, yet he still makes lighthearted puns. He’s doesn’t want to meet us in person, yet he spends so much money on us. He can’t bake for shit, and he sends adorable apology chocolates when he thinks we’re upset. He loves Halloween and Disney. He listens when we need someone to talk to, and he rambles off random facts when we need a distraction. He comforts Patton when he’s sad. He makes Logan laugh after a tiring day, even if Lo plays it off as exasperation. He calms me down when I think that the world’s against me.” He sighed. “I wish he trusted us enough to let us meet him. I respect his wishes, but it’s hard, y’know? Trusting someone that you’ve never met.”

Anxiety felt another wave of guilt, this one even stronger. He opened his mouth before thinking. “I’m sure he’ll open up to you soon.”

“Really?!” Roman looked up, with so much… joy, and hope, and that same emotion that Anxiety couldn’t name. He recognized it somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where.

Anxiety smirked, internally screaming. “Of course. You think I’d lie about something like that? He just needs to build up his confidence first. Once he does, he’ll be dying to meet ya.” His smirk softened to a half-smile. “And from what I’ve seen so far from you, Angel, and Starlight, he won’t be disappointed.” Anxiety checked the time on his phone. “Well, your lunch ends in 2 minutes, and I’ve gotta go. See ya later, Hottie.” And with that, Anxiety stood up and walked away.

Virgil was surprised that his comment about opening up didn’t make him feel guilty. Instead, he felt… relieved? Hopeful? He couldn’t tell. But it felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. I do have to tell them eventually. Might as well promise it. Pressure myself into actually doing it.

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

[purplesurveys]

924

Do you have a taste in your mouth right now? What of? Just the faint taste of coffee since I have a cup at the moment but haven’t drunk from it in the last few minutes. Which is your least favourite day of the week? I’ve lost the concept of the days of the week for a few months now, man. Back when we used to do things, though, I hated Sundays as I felt loneliest on that day. It was always an automatic thing too so I had little control over it. If told to clean the house, would you be more inclined to clean one room really well or clean all of the rooms with hardly any effort? Clean all rooms with maximum effort. I’d be really bugged if I didn’t strive to be perfect with the whole place lol. Do you put glue on the object you're sticking down or on the paper? Object, so that the amount of glue I’m putting would be accurate. What was your last dream about? I don’t remember the details anymore but at the very least, I know it was very vivid since I remembered it throughout the morning. I’ve been having very detailed dreams lately – it’s the depression for sure. 

What is your favourite part of the last movie you watched? Haven’t seen a movie in a while but the last thing I watched in full was The Crown; Vanessa Kirby as Princess Margaret really shone through in the last episode I saw. Have you stuck any stickers to the computer you're using? I put all my stickers onto my laptop case but not the laptop itself. I haven’t had the case on for a while now though, since I’m always just at home now. Do you ever write or talk to yourself in your head when you're bored? Yes or when I’m feeling upset, as long as I’m alone. I’ve found that talking to myself is a healthy way to address and deal with my emotions. What interests you the most about other people? What I find interesting always varies. I have friends who I find interesting for their music tastes; some others for their knowledge of random trivia; some for their jobs, etc. It’s always different. Do you ever take random pictures out of boredom? What of? Not really. If I take photos it’s because I want to remember a moment or because I find something cute or funny. Basically anything that elicits a strong emotion out of me, I’m bound to take a picture of. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Headphones. How many siblings do you have? Do you get on with them? I have two siblings. I only get along with my sister; I have not talked to my brother since last year and have no desire to again. Would you rather live in a log cabin or a brick house? Mmm I’d take the brick house. Log cabin would be nice for a quick getaway, but I wouldn’t want it to be my permanent home. There’s a psychological factor in there and I just think that staying in a log cabin would make me feel suffocated eventually, haha. Do you have a calendar up for this year? I have a ‘Job Applications’ calendar that I’m currently monitoring, and it tracks the applications I’ve sent out to different companies and how long I’ve been waiting for a response from each of them. Really needing some positive vibes and energy since I actually just got my first rejection notice today. Other than that this year has been pretty fucking boring and there’s been little need to keep an active calendar. What was the very first CD you bought? The first CD I remember asking my parents to buy for me was like the High School Musical official soundtrack. I was big on Disney as a kid and wasn’t a big fan of any solo acts or bands up until I was around 10. Do you keep things like old train tickets, etc? Yessssssss. Do you like your smile? Why (not)? I like it; I find my smile friendly and warm. I just hate smiling with my teeth at the present since one of my front teeth protrudes. Can’t wait to get braces again. Would you rather be able to sing or dance? Why? Dance. Dancers are super hot, lmao. What was your favourite colour when you were a kid? Do you still like it? It was purple/violet and it was mostly influenced by my great-grandma who lovedddd the color and had it everywhere in her home. When she passed away, my love for the color slowly faded away and I don’t think too much of it now. Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? Haha yeah sometimes. I pronounce it as ‘lohl’ and never ‘el oh el’ though. Do you like your friend's parents? I like most of their parents, though I’m aware that some have abusive tendencies. Most of the parents are super nice, though. JM’s mom cooked a big lunch for us once and his dad buys like four party-sized boxes of pizza every time we come over, Angela’s parents treat me like their own kid, Gab’s mom constantly tells me she loves me...it’s in the little things. How many times have you moved? I can remember just the two times, but I know that we moved several times more when I was an infant. Have you ever refused to try a certain food? Which? Most stuff with fruits, hah. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, like when a sushi roll has mango or if I’m having banoffee pie, but I almost always refuse a meal with some kind of fruit in it. What's your favourite type of soup? Not really big on soup. I just like miso. Very occasionally I’ll have mushroom soup too. What is your favourite candle scent? I don’t buy candles nor do I know people who regularly get them, so I’m not very familiar with the different scents. Does the sight of blood make you feel ill? In real life, it would. I always have to look away whenever Gabie gets a nosebleed ha. But I have no problem watching bloody wrestling matches and I actually enjoy the bloodier ones. Super weird quirk of mine. What do you call it when you're sick anyways? (Sick, ill, not well, etc) If I’m referring to a fever I call it sick/ill/not feeling well. If I feel like throwing up I say I’m getting dizzy/need to vomit. I’ve never referred to puking as ‘getting sick,’ and it took me a very long time to realize that it was a common American saying, haha. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? I did, and I felt super betrayed when I put my tooth under my pillow only to see it again the next morning. If you had to appear in a movie, which genre would you choose? Coming of age. What do you do with unwanted gifts? I keep them, since I still appreciate the effort of the gift-giver. Are there any clothes you haven't worn in ages, that you've suddenly started wearing again? HAHA yes. There will be rare instances where I get to go out and I always take the time to look stylish as all fuck, even though I’m only running an errand and wearing flashier pieces would be so unnecessary. I just miss dressing up and looking cute, man. Do any keys on your keyboard stick? Like, if they’re sticky? No. Would you rather own a laptop or a computer? Laptop. Love it when things are portable. Do you think you'll look at old photos of yourself and be embarrassed? My teenage years are definitely bad especially with regard to my fashion choices lol, but so are everyone else’s so I’m not super embarrassed. I cringe at the photos but I wouldn’t mind if my friends poked fun at them because chances are I’d join in too. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had? I always hated it whenever my mom took me to the salon to have my hair rebonded. That kind of look has never worked with my face shape and so I usually did everything for my hair to start curling up quicker and go back to its original form. Do you like t-shirts with sayings on them? Why (not)? Not really. It’s just not a personal preference. I like plain or slightly printed pieces. Do you click on the adverts at the side of the screen? No. Have you ever coughed and sneezed at the same time? I’m sure it’s happened before. Are you embarrassed to show people your ID photo? Nah. Whatever dude. Have / would you ever become a cheerleader? I haven’t, but I would have loved to. We don’t have a cheerleading club or varsity in my old school though so I was never able to hone my skills, if ever. What's the longest you've gone without eating? Maybe a little more than 24 hours. What is one of your biggest irrational fears? Commercials airing at night. I find jingles and graphic effects unsettling by a certain hour lol. What comes up when you press Ctrl + V? “I reeeeally miss seeing you and your purple things and seeing you give glares to people who deserve it. what a lodi <333” omg aw. It’s Jane’s birthday today and I copied that bit of my greeting to move it to another paragraph so that my message would flow better. Out of the bands you listen to, were most of them around before or after you were born? After. When did you last jump out of fright? I don’t remember. Are you currently waiting on something? What? For a company to take me in. Does time pass slowly or quickly when you're on the internet? Usually it’s quickly, but now that I feel more and more useless around the house, time’s been more slow and for the first time the distractions of the internet haven’t been working. What about when you're at school / work? Depended on the amount of stuff I had to do and whether I’m enthusiastic about them or not. Does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? The thought of giving birth does, but not pregnancy. What was the last thing you made with your hands? I mean I made myself a cup of coffee tonight, but the coffee mix itself was already pre-packaged. I just mixed it with hot water. Are you good at making shadow puppets? I’d say no. Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? Neither. I’ve been so anxious and depressed these days I’m actually skipping every single meal except dinner, and even then I eat very little. I don’t even do it on purpose; my anxiety has simply stopped me from feeling hungry. No idea what the weighing scale’s gonna tell me the next time I check, sigh. Someone hire me plz. God it really sucks being a fresh grad in this current state of the world. Are you prone to headaches? No. They only come out during hectic schedules and stressful weeks. Do you forget things easily? The little and everyday things, like forgetting my school ID at home or where I placed my keys. But I don’t forget things that are more bigger-picture, like birthdays or faces or memories. Do you enjoy going out to dinner? I enjoy it and I terribly miss being able to do it. Would you ever go on a cruise ship holiday? I would and I have. Lots of fun. Would do again and again. What's your favourite sea animal? Dolphins and whales. Do you get coughs or colds more? Coughs.

[mosaicandme93-blog]

Introduction

Helpful Terms (DID/OSDD Systems):

Alter/Group Member/Identity/Part/Head mate/Insider- A person within a dissociated system. (The term "person" cannot be stressed enough. Alternate identities are people too!)

Blending - When two or more identities/members are able to perform or utilize each other's behaviors, skills, and abilities.

Co-Fronting or Co-Hosting - More than one identity/member out at the same time

Co-Consciousness (Co-Con) - More than one part is aware of what is happening to the identity/member that is fronting.

(Being Emily living plural, n.d.)

First, we would like to state that we are not an expert on Dissociative Identity Disorder or other dissociative disorders. We are currently in the process of understanding our system and how it functions. Initially we were reserved and unwilling to post on any social platform about our experiences, however, we have come to the conclusion that we would like to join the movement to end the stigma about mental illness, and more specifically, dissociative disorders. We have seen many people on YouTube, Tumblr, Facebook, and other places speaking up about their systems and we find this incredibly heartwarming and brave. We applaud all of the systems that have reached out to increase awareness, educate others, and help to decrease the stigma which is visibly portrayed to the public eye in social media, media, movies, and other overly dramatic expressions.

What we experience is similar to the criteria of Dissociation Identity Disorder. We have had some major switches and some missing time earlier in our 20′s, however more recently we do not knowingly have full in and out switches, meaning that we are somewhat aware of co-conscious states and do not wake up the next day in another location not knowing how we got there. I would like to note that we have had some recent occurrences of missing time, although it seems we have amnesia about missing time because we do not find out about what we do until later! We do have times where we have changed our life or relationships quickly and drastically and others (in the outside world) have stated that we seem to become another person in one day. So perhaps, we are showing signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), however, we do not have a clinical diagnosis. The reason we do not have a diagnosis at this time is that we have not found a therapist that specializes in this disorder in the local small community area in which we live. 

We are currently working on a graduate degree and will be working on obtaining a license in which we will be able to diagnose others  based upon the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder’s (DSM) criteria, symptoms, behaviors, etc. This will be working in the field of mental health. Although we will have the ability to do this for others, we do not fully support the DSM and encourage the client to maintain a focus of having a “disorder”. We do not believe in relying solely on the DSM Manual to assist a client.  It should be made aware to many that the revision of the DSM is funded by pharmaceutical companies and influenced by stakeholders that would like disorders to appear a certain way for financial revenue (Cosgrove, Krimsky, Vijayaraghavan & Schneider, 2006). It is interesting to think about how quickly and readily available prescriptions can be given to clients in order to quickly alleviate the symptoms of a mental health problem. There have been articles and research devoted to this topic if you would like to read about it for yourself. I have also written a paper on this which I may include in a future post. The idea of “Gender Dysphoria Disorder” existing in the current DSM V (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) irks me in the same way that Homosexuality was originally included in this manual as a disorder in pre-1973 (APA, 1968). Additionally, does the idea that DID is a “disorder” bother anyone else? It seems to me that this “disorder” actually helped us to survive, which doesn’t seem to be the definition of a disorder at all.

Image retrieved from: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/mental-health-feminism-transgender-3301766/

It is difficult to classify anyone with this disorder and understand them from looking at a page in the DSM. It can be just as difficult for a person with DID or OSDD to understand themselves in a clear light. Symptoms may portray themselves in a variety of ways from person to person. Frequency, intensity, onset, and duration of symptoms may be difficult to recognize with someone that suffers from severe memory problems and blocks of amnesia. These systems that have been developed on the basis of survival are unique to the individual and their life experiences. It may be helpful to think of DID/OSDD systems as being on a spectrum of low functioning to high functioning to everything in between. No two systems are alike just like no two people are exactly alike. I am my own person (people) and another system may be entirely different. If you have come here looking for similarities that is understandable, however trying to categorize or label yourself based upon one person’s system may prove fatal to reaching a clear understanding of what you are experiencing.  Know your own truth!

Currently, this system resides more in a “blended” state of consciousness or a co-conscious type of awareness. For those reading this that do not understand, I will touch more deeply on this in future posts. Our body is currently in our late 30′s physically and we have just now come to an awareness of our dissociation states in the last couple of years. We do not recognize our face or body much of the time and it is surreal to look at ourselves in the mirror. We have had many diagnoses in the past of Bipolar, Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Major Depression. It seemed that many of the times we went into therapy, we would receive a different diagnosis. We found this confusing and grew to distrust the process of diagnosing itself. 

There were significant times of confusion in which we switched and did not remember what had happened. We have had occurrences where people said we did things that we did not remember and were blamed in such a way that it was shocking to us. One particular instance was when we found out we went to court, which is on record, but we do not have any conscious recollection of this. This particular court hearing was not a basic traffic ticket but was for a more serious offense and this is something we would have remembered. However, we have absolutely no memory of going there, being there, or coming back from there. Another example is an angry letter that we composed and sent to our father’s old college buddy for no apparent reason. We did not know that we did this until we received an angry phone call from him out of the blue and it became apparent that this man we had not spoken to in years was extremely upset with us. We became completely confused at the entire scenario and decided he had lost his mind. These times were very strange and we decided it was just some random occurrences and did not think about them more until recently (more than a decade later). There have been a few recent events that were strange and probably more we have not yet discovered!  Our awareness of our dissociation states has been brought to acknowledgment by our significant other. We did not believe our partner(s) idea about us at first, however, now, as we analyze our past and current behaviors, we have come to realize that we are very strange indeed (even more strange than we thought, which it was initially established that we were very strange). We have suffered significant emotional and neglect type abuse in middle childhood, but we feel that there is more abuse that we do not remember at a very early age (prior to age 4). We are obviously not yet ready to know about this particular abuse or we would be aware. We are thankful that our system protects us. 

If someone were to ask me what it is like to experience this, I would explain that it is like Alice in Wonderland going down that hole and into various places over and over again. I would say that changing these states of mind so frequently can make you feel like you do not know which way is up or down, left or right. Reality can become very distorted and it can often be scary. I can also say that this type of weirdness comes with a side dish of self-denial that likes to show up over and over again. I literally will go a whole day trying to convince myself this is not real and I am making all of this up. It seems that more often than not when I try to do this I will have increased “deja vu” states, dissociation, and de-realization. It is difficult to come to the acceptance that this is happening when we are living in and out of awareness, yet we have been doing this for such a long time without even consciously realizing this! I am currently learning to adapt to these changes as I seem to be more conscious of the changes or “switches” than ever before. This makes it wonderful to know what’s going on, but also it makes it feel like I am in a surreal movie and watching events happening from a dreamy distance. I wish I could say that I am happier now that I am aware of these changes, but in reality I feel like I have moved into an alternate reality!  

Image retrieved from: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Alice%27s_Adventures_in_Wonderland

Currently, there are 7 members of our system that we are consciously aware of. We do feel that there are more, but it feels like they are hiding. You may wonder how we know such a thing. It would be similar to intuitively knowing that there were other people in another room of your house, but you didn’t know who they were just yet. It’s that strange feeling of someone else being in a place with you before you see them. We do not hear voices on a regular basis, but we have on a few occasions. We tend to “feel” the communication more than actually hearing it. It’s almost like a form of telepathy and is not audible to us. I can feel how different members feel when they decide to let me. When members communicate with me I feel what they are saying to me and understand. For example, today, I received a thought of a certain song that we liked a long time ago. Then I received a “feeling” message to play that song because a member hasn’t heard it in so long. That member remained co-conscious while I played the song. We have decided to refrain from pushing the members that are in hiding to show themselves as they will do this when they are ready. I can sense that they are very afraid and do not wish to come out.

I  am the host, however, I am not the original host. I do not have much memory of our childhood, teen years, young adulthood, or early 30′s. My name is Heather. I do not feel a very strong connection to this name. I also do not feel a very strong connection to any other name, which I find unusual, but it would make sense if I were to be a day to day task host. I feel I was created to perform the necessary daily experiences and go through the motions. We are not certain who the previous host or the original host was or if these members are still part of this system.

Blake was the first member to come out of the woodwork and try to communicate with me. He did not have a name first and stated that he didn't care if either way if he had a name. I explained that we needed something to call him so it is easier to communicate. He basically left it up to me, which I found strange but I gave him the first name I could think of. He has actually been co-conscious with me, the previous host, and others for many years. We assumed that we were just highly in touch with our masculine side many times during our day to day experiences. We recently noticed that Blake comes to the front during times of distress or times when no one seems to be in charge and we have to take control of situations around us and take care of the family. Due to the fact that we have had many experiences with being a single mom and dealing with past abuse by others, we have learned to take care of ourselves. Blake has been able to do this and we have been able to play “mommy” as well as “daddy” when necessary. Even though Blake has taken on a lot at times, this can prove to be overwhelming even for him. Blake is 18″ish” years old, he is heterosexual, but has clearly (and bluntly) stated that he is not interested in a relationship at this time, because of the number of emotional women he is dealing with in this system. He is basically burned out by the drama and does not prefer to partake in a relationship.  He tends to find the others in the system overly emotional and becomes irritated with the way these thoughts lead to confusion within the system. Blake is a protector and protects one of our little ones. He is also a protector of the children on the outside of our system in our outside family. Thinking back, I noticed how Blake will cause me to walk differently, speak differently, work out more, and do more “masculine” type things which included stepping on the toes of previous male partners to “get things done”. His taste in music is harsher and he prefers the no BS approach to everything. He gets upset when plans are not laid out and has an interest in the military and survival tactics. He is a drastic difference between myself, however, I find him enjoyable to speak with. He has a good sense of humor and he can be pretty laid back unless he is in a situation that requires him to be in “protection mode”. When he is not co-conscious or fronting he tends to remain quiet unless I reach out to communicate with him. Sometimes he will communicate, sometimes he prefers to be left alone. 

Image retrieved from: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/family-community-patchwork-76781/

Next, we have R, who actually does not want to use her full name online and I respect that. She does not wish to say what age she is. She would like to state that she is not all that bad, but has been pretty self-destructive in the past. From my (the host) perspective, we have had significant problems with relationships due to the behavior of R. More recently we have come to understand that she has been in a lot of pain all of these years and we have been working on self-love to help her. R identifies as bisexual. She is impulsive and quick to try any substance or anything risky. She actually has not been allowed to partake in these experiences for quite some time, which is frustrating for her, however, it seems like she has been open to healing. My opinion (although I am still getting to know everyone) is that she is much like an angry teenager. I have seen a recent change in her behavior and she does not push herself on the host like she used to. Her behavior does not come out with quick force in recent months like it did in the past. She seems to be less triggered by people being “too nice”. 

Next, there is C, whom we would like to keep from expressing her full name due to the fact that she is a little and she is protected by Blake. She is sweet and has been on the inside more often than not. She has fronted some times but it was very short and sweet. We do not wish to disclose any more information on her at this time. 

And then there is “Mo” which is short for Monica and she is a female who is about 12 years old. Mo is actually quite mature for her age and seems to be the most stable (besides Blake) out of the entire system. Mo has expressed that she knows of others in the system but she cannot say much more at this time. Mo has fronted in the past and she tends to isolate and work on projects for lengthy periods. She likes cartoons and funny shows.There was a time when we thought we were anti-social hermits that loved to learn, but realized recently that this was Mo taking over for several years. She actually took over for 3 years after our outside mother passed away and we were involved in an abusive relationship. During this time Mo fronted during the day and R was there mostly up at night doing self-destructive things. These two were like night and day (no pun intended :/ ). 

There are 3 more members that we have identified but we are unable to express more information about them at this time. Perhaps, over time these members will create their own posts. We would like to come up with a system to create posts so readers can understand who is speaking. This will happen over time. 

We are excited to be able to post in a way that will help others understand DID/OSDD “systems” or at bare minimum assist other systems by helping others relate. We know that this living experience can be a very lonely experience for many and we would like to reach out to help others not feel so alone. There are many people who are exposing themselves to the public eye in order to breakdown the stigma of DID/OSDD. We wanted to initially begin a YouTube channel, but we feel that this is not what we would be able to do just yet. Becoming vulnerable on camera does not suit our interest at this time. However, we find the process of writing this information enlightening and beautiful for the sake of bringing clarity to what may seem foreign to those who do not live with systems. It is very important for people to educate themselves about “disorders” and what they are before making a quick judgment or creating stereotypes about people. Everyone that has a mental illness is still a person! 

We feel that this is not a “disorder” but actually, a superpower that we have created in order to survive trauma. We find it fascinating that the brain could be so powerful and miraculous just to keep us protected! We hope to become part of the community of plurals in order to engage ourselves, decrease the stigma, implement our profound truths, and bring awareness to others. 

image retrieved from: https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2018/03/dissociative-identity-disorder-awareness-day-march-5/

References:

American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2013.

APA (1968) Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (2nd Edition) (DSM-II). American Psychiatric Association Washington DC. 

Being Emily living plural; Glossary of did terminology. (n.d.). Retrieved April 24, 2019, from https://emilyandothers.wordpress.com/glossary-of-did-terminology/

Cosgrove, L., Krimsky, S., Vijayaraghavan, M., & Schneider, L. (2006). Financial Ties between DSM-IV Panel Members and the Pharmaceutical Industry. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics,75(3), 154-160. doi:10.1159/000091772

[ariistocracies]

beep beep y’all it’s kay ( 20, est, she/her ) ur resident dumpster dweller popping in with one of my three hot mess of children ,, tony n jamie will be up soon depending on when i can get my shit together jdlks but heNYWAYS !! let me introduce u to this dumpster on fire known as danika ,, it will be in bulletpoints bc my attention span is v short and i’m at work. like this n i’ll shoot u message to plot or just yell at me in my dm’s hfbdjkf

ariana grande. cisfemale. she/her. — did you see { danika monroe }, i haven’t seen the { twenty-four } year old in a while! you know, they’re a { concept artist }, and have been living in jersey city for { two years }. some say they’re { peevish & judgmental }, but i think they’re { compassionate & gregarious }. regardless, i’m glad { dani } is here. 

STATISTICS: 

full name: danika blair monroe nicknames: dani or just danika hometown: edinburgh, scotland sexuality: pansexual gender: cisfemale birthday: june 12th, 1994 spoken languages: english, italian, & german hogwarts house: hufflepuff

BACKSTORY + PERSONALITY:

okie so danika was originally born and raised for the first 2 years of her life in the scottish countryside outside of edinburgh bc her mom and dad had a whirlwind romance when they were in their later years of university and got married following graduation bc they were already expecting danika

adanika’s mother moved to the small town where her husband was from ,, putting her aspirations of becoming an attorney on hold bc *vine vc* coUNTRY boYY i love youuu ow

so danika’s mom was p much holding down a reception job while her husband kinda just spent his time in bars when he wasn’t doing construction so their relationship fell apart p much after the honeymoon phase wore off .. so her mom had Enough and filed for divorce, won custody of danika and bounced back off to edinburgh to jump start her law career

so danika lived with her mom and grandparents and it was all v gucci !! given she was 2 so she didn’t have much of an opinion kjfdsjkfL ,, but growing up she absolutely loved living in edinburgh !! just enjoyed admiring the architecture and how it was a bustling tourist city and how genuinely happy everyone seemed ?? tbh she imagined she would live there for the rest of her life n not move bc her mom was there and it was all she knew

danika was always a v creative child growing up .. she loved reading and absolutely hated math and just did better in english class while always looking forward to art class ,, she loves to paint and draw but she’s slightly better drawing with pencils and such rather than paintbrushes

so ya girl stayed nearby for college bc she’s laME and would miss her mom too much skfjnk but she majored in art but also freelanced as an illustrator during that time,, she does commissions through her twitter account ( which she still does ) bc her specialty is character studies and landscapes  but also did designs for a local card company for extra coin ,, prefers drawing ppl and also has a moleskin notebook that she carries on her at all times in her purse and just chills in chapter one and sketches ppl

she self taught herself how to draw on the tablet her mom got her for christmas so she alternates between hand drawn and digital art ,, her specialty is superheroes and has too many drawings of tony stark bc she’s weak for him ,, that and harry potter SHE WILL DRAW MORE DESPITE THE ABUNDANCE SHE HAS

danika is a giant nerd despite the *~*cool*~* exterior she puts up ,, lit she’s the biggest dumpster fire of all even tho she pretends to be a Cool Girl ,, lit her humor is basically lame jokes, vine references and pop culture references ,, but im sorry if her accent goes into overdrive when she’s talking about smth she’s passionate about bc it can be A Lot ,. casually it’s still present but she can pull it back to help ppl understand

she goes through weird spurs of random confidence where she’ll talk to new people and sign up for tinder but mainly does it when she needs a self confidence boost ,, but she’s a Chicken and the idea of going on dates scares the shit out of her mainly bc she hasn’t had a proper relationship ??

now that i think about it she’s had a brief relationship that lasted a few weeks but ended when danika felt like she was only being kept around for sex and that was not something she was ready to go through with since it meant more to her than him ,, just too worried and caught up in her anxiety to really put herself out there but one day hopes to be That Hoe if she builds up the confidence

probably has small crushes on everyone bc she loves 2 appreciate the good in everyone so she has issues deciphering when she really Likes someone ,, but even if she did truly like someone she avoids confrontation and responsibilities so she’ll just wither away without ever saying something

she made the move to jersey a little bit after graduating from university bc she got a job interview at a big name game developing studio in nyc and she was like lmao #yikes but her mom convinced her to buy a plane ticket and go and lo and behold !! she went and nailed the interview and got the job so she tearfully made the Official move to the states as a concept artist for the games being worked on in the studio

decided not to live in nyc bc hA that shit is expensive so she decided jersey city would be a decent commute so she got an apartment so hmu !!! if u need a roommate !! bc she def needs one

adores her british longhorn kitten that is snow white and bc she’s a nerd she named him draco but she loves him with all her heart and shows pictures to anyone who’s willing to listen to her love declarations

recently dyed her hair blonde bc she figured a change in her appearance would help for a change in how she presents herself and acts ,, trying to be more social and definitely a bit of the Mom Friend

listens to africa by toto unironically and truly loves it ,, and considers a gr8 night ordering in dominos and watching john mulaney comedy specials on netflix bc i hate hER .. so she’s branching out more and spreading her wings !!

[buriednurbckyrd]

Lose Control P/3

Chapter 3

“You know I don't think you actually thanked me for all of this.”  Natasha said while flicking through a rack of clothes.  Y/N snorted.  

“I'm the one that put myself out there, Nat.  He could have laughed in my face.”  

“Barnes would never laugh in your face.  He's a great guy, and anyone that's spent any amount of time around the two of you can see how much he cares about you.”  Natasha paused at a skirt, but dismissed it and continued looking.  “And I'm still waiting!”  Y/N sighed and chuckled.

“Thank you, Natasha.  You're the best friend a girl could ever wish for.”  She nudged Wanda with her elbow.  “You too, weird-o.”  

“I am not sure I did anything to help with you asking Bucky out on a date.”  Wanda replied with a confused expression.  

“Maybe not, but you're here helping me pick out a first date outfit!”  Y/N picked up a blouse and held it against her chest.  “I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this.  I've been on dates before.”  She wrinkled her nose at the shirt and put it back.  The truth was she was nearly paralyzed with nerves.  There had never been anyone like Bucky, and something inside of her told her that there would never be anyone else.  

“You're allowed to be excited,” Natasha told her with a soft smile.  “I know people have…  Let you down in the past, but don't let those memories keep you from being happy now.”    

“I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest like some kind of cartoon. I've wanted this for so long it doesn't feel like it's real.” Wanda patted her arm reassuringly.

“His thoughts were very loud at breakfast this morning.  I assure you, it is very real.”  Y/N blushed bright red.  

“Um, thanks.” She mumbled.  Neither one of her friends missed the way she grinned and blushed.  Natasha let out a whistle and held up a dress.  

“I found the winner!”

“Oh, Natasha, it is so beautiful.”  Wanda sighed and fingered the soft fabric.  Y/N eyed it warily.  

“I'm not sure Nat, it's a little...”  She made a vague gesture.  

“Just try it on, please?  If you don't like it on we'll find something else.”  She took a deep breath and took the dress into a changing room.  Wanda and Natasha stood outside for several minutes waiting for her to emerge and model for them.  Only silence came from the room.  

“Y/N?  Are you okay?”  Wanda tapped the door.  When there was no response Natasha tried the handle.  

“Come on, sweetie.  It's fine if you don't like it.”  The door opened and Y/N stepped out in the dress.  Her eyes were full of tears.  “Hey!  You look fantastic!  What's wrong?”  Natasha cried in alarm.  Y/N waved her off and shook her head.  

“I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong.  I just really love it.”  She turned around in front of a mirror, looking at herself from several angles.  “Wow. Okay.  I know the tears are a bit much, but I just can't believe how good I feel in this.”  Natasha threw an arm over her shoulders and grinned at their reflections.  

“I saw the perfect pair of shoes in the front of the store.”  

“I think I'll wear those earrings you got me for Christmas,” Y/N said.  “I can't wait for tonight.”

…

Bucky was a nervous wreck.  He had changed his clothes four times before dragging Steve into his room for advice.  The blond had taken one look at torn up closet and started to laugh.  It earned him a solid punch in the shoulder.  

“It's not funny, punk!”

“It's a little funny, Buck.  Seventy years ago you had more confidence than you knew what to do with, now you're shaking in your boots over a date.” Bucky scowled at him.  “Alright, sorry.  What's the problem?”  

“I don't know what to wear.”  He muttered.  “If you laugh again I'll kick your ass.” Steve bit the inside of his cheek.  

“I know the restaurant she picked, it isn't too fancy.  And then it's just a movie, right?  It's no big deal.”  Bucky groaned in frustration.  

“It is to me!” He scrubbed his human hand over his face.  “Y/N went shopping with the girls, I overheard them making plans.  She's gonna look amazing.” Too good for me, he thought to himself.  I should count myself lucky that I got to kiss her once.  

It wasn't about the clothes, but how could he tell Steve that?  When she had told him that she had feelings for him, he had been so happy.  Bucky was sure he started to fall for Y/N from the first moment they met, but never expected for her to return those feelings.  True, she always seemed to like spending time together, but Y/N was nice to everyone.  Then that night happened, that night she inhaled the drug and her body had pressed up against his.  All of his instincts told him there was something wrong, and thank goodness he had listened instead of giving in to how good it felt to have her touch him.  His heart had ached when he found out she was under the influence.  Things may have worked out, but the guilt still lingered.  Just because she had wanted him, she didn't consent to act on those desires.  She felt guilty because she lost control, he felt guilty because a part of him had liked it.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, Buck. I just meant that you shouldn't get antsy about something like clothes.”  Steve rubbed the back of his neck.  “I, uh, don't think I'm the best guy to ask about it though.  Maybe we could ask T-”

“Finish that sentence and I'll make you eat your shoes.”  Bucky had had enough of Tony Stark's mocking to last his incredibly long lifetime, there was no way in hell he would give him more ammunition.  Steve sighed.  

“Okay, then we wing it.  I'm gonna say, less than a tux, but more than your regular duds.”  Bucky let his breath out, feeling more at ease with his best friend helping him.  

…

The relief didn't last long.  Somehow the time for the date came quicker than he was prepared for.  Bucky insisted that he 'pick her up' from her rooms to make it feel more like two people going out for a romantic dinner and less like two buddies grabbing a bite to eat. Cursing the anxiety churning in his stomach, for god's sake he was The Winter Solider, he rapped his knuckles against her door harder than he intended to.  Y/N answered almost immediately.  

“I'm so glad you're on time, I was in here completely freaking out.” She said with a breathy laugh.  Bucky stared at her with wide eyes.  

“Wow, you look really…Wow.”  He said.  She giggled and did a slow turn. The dress was a deep ruby red, hugging all of her soft curves in a way that had a lump forming in Bucky's throat.  The neck line dipped in a V and the skirt ended at her knees, showing off more of her skin then he was used to seeing, except of course for that night she was drugged, and left him hoping to see more in the near future.  

“Thanks, Bucky,” she replied shyly, reaching out and running her palm over his arm.  “You look really handsome.” In the end, he had settled on all black.  It was the dominant color of his wardrobe and what he was most comfortable in.  

“I got nothin' on you, Doll.”  He told her, and the resulting blush that stained her cheeks gave him a small boost of confidence.  Maybe he hadn't lost all of his charm. “Should we get going?”  He asked and offered his arm.  Y/N grabbed a small clutch and shut her door before slipping her arm into his.  

“I think you're going to like the restaurant.  They have great food, but it's a small, family owned place.  I thought you'd be more comfortable somewhere that wouldn't be super crowded.”  They took the elevator down the ground floor and stepped out into the cool evening air.  “It's not really far, and it's close to the theater, if you don't mind the walk?”  She smiled up at him.  

“I don't mind at all.”  He replied.  

Just as she said, it was a short walk, only a few blocks away.  The restaurant was tucked in between a drug store and a florist.  There were few people already inside, but not so many that Bucky was uneasy.  He went to open the door for her before she stopped him.

“What-?” Y/N went up on her tip toes and gave him a gentle kiss.  Bucky grinned.  “What was that for?”  

“I just wanted to.  And you seemed like you were a little tense.”  He cupped her cheek and leaned down to kiss her again.  

“I feel much better now.”  

During dinner, Bucky relaxed into their companionship.  Y/N told him about her recent work in the lab with Dr. Banner, glossing over the more awkward details, like few side effects she could remember.  He loved listening to her, even if he didn't quite understand everything she was talking about.  

“I'm sorry, I just keep going on about work.”  Y/N laughed and pushed her plate aside.  “I haven't gone on a date in so long, I guess I forgot how to not talk shop.”  

“I like hearing about your work.  A lot of it's over my head, but I don't mind.”  A waitress appeared at his elbow to clear away their plates.  

“Any coffee or dessert tonight, folks?”  She asked.  Bucky looked at Y/N.  

“I couldn't even finish my entree.”  She said with a shrug.  “But you go ahead, Buck.”  He shook his head.  

“No thank you, just the check.”

There was a little disagreement over who would pay; Y/N insisting that she had asked him out, Bucky torn between his 1940s manners and not wanting to offend her independence.  He compromised and left a generous tip.  

On the short walk to the theater, Y/N told him a little bit about the movie.  He took her hand, loving the way their fingers laced together.  When they got to the theater, handed over their tickets, and found seats, his arm went around her shoulders and she leaned against him like they had done it a thousand times.  During the film, she shocked him by reaching over and taking his metal hand into hers, stroking her thumb over his knuckles.  A warmth spread through his chest, watching her touch what he considered a deadly weapon in such a tender way.  Bucky was never comfortable with his arm, always aware of where it came from and what he had used it to do.  The fact that Y/N didn't shy away from it, treated it like it was just a normal part of his body was his own personal miracle.  

After the movie they filed out of the theater slowly behind the rest of the crowd.  She talked about all her favorite parts, filled with happiness that Bucky seemed to really enjoy it.  Out on the street she did a little twirl with a laugh.  

“When I was little I wanted to learn how to tap dance like Debbie Reynolds so badly, but my family just didn't have the money for lessons.” Bucky took her hand and pulled her into his arms, swaying gently.  

“I'd love to dance with you sometime.”  She smiled.

“Not many places to do that kind of dancing these days.  People tend to grind on each other in clubs instead.”

“Maybe we can just dance on our own.”  He said, tucking her hair behind her ear.  “Y/N…  I have to tell you something.”  She looked up at him, her brow furrowed in apprehension.

“What is it, Bucky?”

“You know how you told me that you were pretty sure you were in love with me?”  Y/N bit her lip and nodded.  “I-I…  I'm pretty sure I love you too.”  She slipped her hand behind his neck and pulled him down for a kiss.  Her tongue ran over this bottom lip, the feeling sending a jolt down his spine.  His hands slid down her back, hers up his chest.  They both seemed to remember that they were still standing out on a New York City street at the same and pulled apart.  Bucky rested his forehead against hers, willing his heart to slow down.  

“Take me home, Bucky.”  She murmured.  He took a step back, afraid he had crossed a line.  She laughed softly and fingered the buttons of his shirt. “I'm not ready to say goodnight just yet.” Her eyes held a number of tempting promises. Hoping to make the trip back to the tower shorter, Bucky stepped up to the curb and lifted a hand to hail a cab, his other was holding fast to Y/N.  

[thefinalcinderella]

DIVE!! Book 4 Chapter 5-WHERE’S HE GOING?

I’m back! Now that it’s summer vacation, I can finally go full steam ahead on finishing translations!

Also, just learned that it’s almost a year since I first started on this series, and wow...I honestly thought I’d finish it sooner. I still remember when I first started on the prologue...

Anyways, enjoy this Shibuki-centric chapter!

Full list of translations here

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From the side windows of the dome—next to the red bean paste of the “Giant Dorayaki”—sunlight poured in, tinged with a warm bitter orange. The setting sun behind the glass was like a color pencil for a watercolor painting, an extending pale line that seemed to melt into the water splashes. By the way, when was the last time I saw a huge, perfectly round setting sun?

There was always something missing in an urban sunset because of some kind of obstruction. When Shibuki had initially come to Tokyo from Tsugaru, he had absentmindedly thought that he would be probably be used to living in Tokyo when he got used to that. No, he might be leaving Japan before he got used to that, looking up at the sunset in a foreign country instead…

The second half had started just as they came running from the infirmary.

While waiting for his fifth round with Reiji, still breathing heavily, in front, Shibuki’s head dropped suddenly, filled with the talk of him going to America.

America.

The country of American coffee.

NASA and FBI and CIA.

Hollywood and Las Vegas.

A gun society.

As he exhausted his meager background knowledge, an exhaustible excitement welled up within Shibuki’s chest.

Florida. He didn’t know what was there, or what kinds of things were awaiting him. He was excited because he didn’t know. An unknown country. The unknown streets. The unknown people. His heart couldn’t stop palpitating towards that blank future.

Now, Shibuki felt that he truly understood his grandfather’s feelings when he abandoned his hometown at the age of sixteen and went to dive in an unfamiliar city. The Olympics and medals might had been no more than faked excuses. Gramps was just thrilled by a new world and rushed out of his tiny village without controlling the excitement in his chest. He felt like it was just that, and he felt like that was just fine.

Ever since he watched the 16 mm film, Shibuki’s fixation on his grandfather’s bygone days had unbelievably disappeared from within him. He was himself. From the time that he went back to the basics, however, he strangely felt closer to his grandfather than before.

The blood of the Okitsus, which sometimes boiled. The blood of the generations of people who had cast their bodies into the rough seas for the sakes of the village and a good haul. While exposing their lone figures on the precipice, perhaps they had also truly been dreaming of an unknown world over that horizon.

His grandfather Shiraha was the first to take a step forward.

Could he go even further beyond that, and fly out over the sea?

Everything depended on this one battle.

Whether willing or not, the second half cheered him up. Although he was the second person on this staircase, the situation was never favorable. Though he didn’t intend to show it on his face at any cost, his back pain was becoming more and more unbearable with each round. Every time his anxiety increased, Shibuki turned his shoulders and neck to keep his thoughts far away from his back, and then glanced at the yellow dot visible on the first floor of the stands.

Wearing a yellow sweater with a V-neck like a swan’s beak, Kyouko was staring desperately at the unfamiliar diving tower. Every time he saw her occasionally whisper something into Aya-san’s ear, Shibuki’s palpitations weakened for an instant.

I’m going to America.

If he told her that, what would Kyouko say?

If it was the usual Kyouko, she might force a smile, and then fly into a terrible rage about three days later. But, now it felt like she’d aimlessly disappear off somewhere with a smile fixed to her face.

That uncertainty, that mysterious face, were the only things standing in the way of his heart dashing towards a distant foreign country.

“It’s just the qualifying trials this time, but I thought that I’d come and watch it with Aya-san.” Since Kyouko called him about ten days ago, he had thought that it was really strange.

“I wanted to try watching a competition for once,”

“It’s a decisive match for the Olympics,”

“And I can go sightseeing in Osaka too.”

Although Kyouko gave all sorts of reasons, from the start she only showed interest in Shibuki as a man, keeping a wise distance from him as a diver, and he could not think that she was interested in Osaka. At the end she unconvincingly said that she “wanted to meet Shibuki”, but he told her that when the qualifying trials ended, he will return home in the New Year during winter break. Well, at that time he had thought that it was just a whim and dropped it.

When she called five days ago to say that she had arranged airplane tickets, he was briefly wondering if she was serious. Of course, he was happy to have Kyouko come and support him, but he also felt somewhat embarrassed. When he ventured to say that the travel expenses won’t be cheap, and that she shouldn’t bother to take a day off…Kyouko got angry and asserted that “I want to come no matter what”. When a woman said she’d do something no matter what, there was no longer any way to stop her.

When she called three days ago to ask for the name of his hotel, since she wanted to stay somewhere nearby, he was already completely resigned to it and gave her the name and address of his hotel. Although he added that it would be difficult to meet up because they were doing everything together as a group in Osaka, when he was told that she’d be happy if they could meet for just a little bit, he came to feel that well, he too would feel happy if they could meet.

And then when he received the “I’m in Osaka now” mail from her on his phone while sightseeing in Kobe yesterday, Shibuki secretly waited for a chance to leave the MDC group.

Fortunately, they returned to Osaka at eight P.M. He immediately called Kyouko’s phone to meet up at the family restaurant diagonally opposite to the hotel. After that, he had planned on leaving the hotel after saying a quick greeting to Reiji and Sachiya, but then the shocking truth about Kayoko (though it was groundless) came to light. Being informed that Kayoko was going to leave the MDC was a great damage to everyone, and for a short while, Shibuki forgot about Kyouko.

It was nine-twenty when they broke up from their mutual depressions and the mutual despair hanging over them. Only entering his shared room with Ooshima to tell him that he was heading out, when he finally dashed out to where Kyouko was, he readied himself to take a reasonable amount of scolding and to treat her to a cake. But, Kyouko was staring listlessly outside at a table by the window, and her eyes were empty even when she noticed Shibuki, only smiling faintly.

There was no one who had expressions as easy to read as Kyouko’s. When she felt dispirited she looked dispirited, and when she put on a brave front she looked brave. And, when she was hiding something, she hid her face.

“Is something wrong?”

“About what?”

“No, never mind. Are you alright?”

“Is it alright for you to do this the day before the competition, Shibuki?”

“This kind of thing is okay, but my roommate told me that I’d have to stop having sex since it’d affect me the next day.”

“Idiot.”

Though she pretended to be her usual self, Kyouko never tried to meet Shibuki’s eyes for more than three seconds. Even when she saw the blueberry yogurt that Shibuki ordered, she didn’t wrinkle her nose and say “what a weird color” like usual.

“By the way…”

Shibuki was puzzled, and his gaze wandered around like he was looking for a switch to change that strange atmosphere. He then eventually took out a seashell with a red string threaded through it from his jeans pocket.

“Aya-san gave me this, so I brought it with me.”

“Ah. The amulet.”

“So, how’s Aya-san?”

“She’s sleeping at our hotel. She didn’t sleep enough last night because she was excited, since it’s been a long time since she travelled.”

“Even though she came all this way I couldn’t do anything for her. That’s really terrible of me.”

“It’s fine. We properly went to Tsutenkaku to get the stamps, ate takoyaki, and took pictures with Kuidaore Tarou.” (1)

Kyouko said, manufacturing a smile like there was a lie somewhere.

Her hairstyle changed a little bit. The tip of her nose that had peeled off during the summer had returned to its original color. Her cheeks had hollowed slightly.

What is she hiding?

“Kyouko.”

“What?”

“If I lose tomorrow’s competition, I’ll be returning to Tsugaru for good next time.”

Even he was surprised at the confession that suddenly rushed out from his mouth.

“It seems like our woman coach will be quitting the MDC at the end of tomorrow’s competition. I heard it from a clubmate just a while ago. That’s not the reason, but if I can’t get into the Olympics either, then I think I’ll be washing my hands of diving for sure this time.”

Although he hadn’t planned on revealing that to Kyouko right now, that was something Shibuki had decided on a long time ago.

It was about four months since he escaped back to Tsugaru once and then returned to Tokyo. Acupuncture. Shiatsu (2). Seitai (2). Qigong. Electrotherapy. While soothing his pained back by every means possible, Shibuki worked hard with Kayoko on the swan dive. It was a harder journey than he had thought.

He was just flying. Shibuki’s trademark power wasn’t enough for charming the spectators with that extremely simple dive. From the top of the head to the tips of his toes, he must make good use of all of his nerves and all of his muscles to express that impeccable beauty. “First, you need to learn how to make delicate movements,” Kayoko emphasized.

“Your wild charm is fine. Your dynamism is quite good as well. But what you are trying for isn’t a condor, but a swan’s dance.”

To raise his awareness to beauty, Kayoko took Shibuki around to ballets, art exhibitions, and traditional Japanese gardens. It wasn’t limited to such special occasions either—for example, picking a wild flower by the roadside—and Shibuki had to acknowledge what Kayoko was saying. That indeed, beautiful things concealed a delicacy somewhere. And so as if to confirm that, Shibuki visited Akita’s Jumonji district, famous for its visiting swans, in mid-October by himself.

Every year at Jumonji’s Minase River, thousands of swans come to rest their wings there. The white flock floating on the river surface was stunning, but the whooper swans, weighing around ten kilograms, did not try to spread their wings widely because of their weight. Shibuki stuck around until sunset as the cold wind blew fiercely, and finally witnessed one swan taking off. His eyes almost popped out of their sockets as he saw it flap its large wings, the power of the swan as it soared into the red sky, its beautiful silhouette—. Yes, it was just as Kayoko had said. While setting loose its wild gallantry, the swan also expressed its impeccable beauty, with its wings, beak, and feet.

When Kayoko suddenly announced one day that he will be taking ballet lessons next week, although he flew into a rage wondering if she was asking for a fight, he voluntarily reviewed the steps after seeing that swan’s dance. However, the ballet lessons were the only thing he still hadn’t told Kyouko about. That was because of the risk of his dignity as a man and a human being affected if it was known that his legs had passed through those snug tights.

Living with that shame, Shibuki had techniques drilled into him by his spartan ballet teacher on making his consciousness go through to every nook and cranny of his body where his nerves never reached, from his fingers to his toes.

The results were excellent. Kayoko told him that his top form was exceptionally beautiful, and as such Shibuki also gained confidence. But on the other hand, as he went through with the swan dive step by step, recently another kind of unease flitted through his mind.

What if this swan dive, his last trump card, wasn’t able to pass through the competition?

He’ll try his very best to adopt his acquired beauty with his innate power, but what if the results still don’t arrive regardless?

If it were an ordinary athlete, they would probably feel sad for a while, and then switch gears to the next stage, commencing the pursuit of a higher-level technique, a better performance. But for Shibuki with his ailing back, he wasn’t able to pursue higher-level techniques.

Even if he got cheers from his swan dive, this technique wasn’t something that could be used many times on the world stage, Shibuki knew that very well. The first couple of times might make the audience go ooh-and-aah, erupt into applause, and give them some sort of deep emotion. But for the third time, perhaps, they will be bored. Kayoko expressly chose the sea of Chiba as the practice ground for the swan dive not because they were returning to the primitive form of a diving competition once again, but probably in order to treat this technique as top secret until the actual match.

In other words, it meant that whether the swan dive went well or not, he had a limit in any case.

November 19th. The final battle for Sydney. When the battle was over, Youichi and Tomoki will grow up a level whether they win or lose, and rapidly advance to a new stage. But he couldn’t advance with them. In order to hang out with them, to compete with them, Shibuki returned, but even so he still hadn’t found a motive to stay in Tokyo.

“Tomorrow, I’ll be competing against Fujitani and Sakai once again at that huge dome. That alone is enough to satisfy me.”

The thought that he told to Kyouko wasn’t entirely a bluff.

“I’ll just get out there and do it, do the best I can do, and if I lose, I’ll return to Tsugaru. I’ll have sex with Kyouko every night at the village, get married after graduating high school, have kids, buy a boat, and fish the tastiest fish on that day for my family to eat.”

Those thoughts were never a lie either.

However, Kyouko’s expression was stiff, as though she had foreseen that Shibuki would be going to America, even though Shibuki himself didn’t even know at that time. For the first time, her eyes showed doubt at the future the two of them had always drawn together. And the dimples, which never failed to show up when he talked about “getting married after graduating high school”, went missing on this day.

At that moment, Shibuki finally realized it.

Oh, is Kyouko shaking…?

Always leaving her alone, never calling her himself, and often falling asleep in the middle of their conversations when she called him. He wasn’t Tomoki, but he had thought that he wouldn’t be able to say anything when she had a change of heart about him.

But, as soon as he approached that crisis, he was so flustered that it was pathetic.

“Kyouko. Would you like me to lose?”

And that’s why, he asked a stupid question.

“Do you want me to lose and return to Tsugaru?”

Kyouko dropped her eyes to the lemon floating on her iced tea. She hated mixing things and making them cloudy, and so she never added milk to her drinks. Once, Shibuki had mixed chocolate ice cream with orange juice; she had made a face of utter contempt and did not speak for a while.

Kyouko, who finally turned to face Shibuki, had the same look on her face from that time.

“Shibuki. You’ve always held a grudge against the people of the village, didn’t you? Even though they supported Gramps’ dream and pooled money for the expedition costs to the Olympics, as soon as Gramps’ dream got crushed and he returned, they changed their attitude completely and turned cold to him. But I understand those feelings they had. Gramps’ dream was everyone’s dream. Everyone who couldn’t fly out of that tiny village entrusted their dream to Gramps, who did flew, and earnestly supported him…they were probably too earnest. So when the dream was crushed, they got too sad, too frustrated, and Gramps got hated. But even so, I think it was good to have Gramps there after all. Thanks to him, everyone was able to dream, get excited, and shine together.”

Kyouko looked at Shibuki, as though penetrating him with her clear eyes.

“Shibuki’s dream is everyone’s dream.”

“…”

“I want you to win.”

“…”

“Win.”

Shibuki hung his head, unable to bear it.

“Sorry. You heard something stupid.”

“If you win, I’ll forgive you.”

Kyouko said, finally smiling a genuine smile.

Nonetheless, Kyouko did not return to her usual self, and even while he escorted her back to her hotel, her mind still wasn’t there, like her soul was lightly roaming the freezing sky.

“Kyouko.”

Kyouko said everything she wanted to say with her face, and unless she herself felt like it, she didn’t talk about anything with her mouth. Despite thinking it was useless to ask anything, Shibuki asked only one thing when they were about to part.

“What did you really come here for?”

After a moment of confusion, Kyouko answered.

“To confirm.”

“Confirm what?”

“About myself.”

“Did you confirm anything?”

“Maybe I’ll know tomorrow when I watch you dive.”

Shibuki didn’t try to question Kyouko any further, and stroked her black hair that held the cold night air while drawing her closer. The smell of fresh fruit. Only the smell of her shampoo hadn’t changed. He kissed her glossy lips with a strange sense of relief.

He decided that the farewell kiss with Kyouko would be within three seconds. Because he wouldn’t be able to leave her if they touched any more than that.

“Well then, see you tomorrow.”

For the sake of keeping his promise with Ooshima, Shibuki separated himself in order to shake off any lingering attachment.

He was worried about Kyouko.

But, now he was also worried about tomorrow’s competition and Kayoko.

When all those worries exceeded a certain capacity, Shibuki became very sleepy.

For now, I’ll go back and sleep, Shibuki thought as he jogged back to his hotel, but there, he witnessed one more worrying thing. When he tried to get off the elevator to the seventh floor, just for a second the neighbouring elevator opened, letting off a face that he recognized.

It was Youichi.

Because of his feeling of guilt from meeting with Kyouko, Shibuki immediately hid himself. The receding figure of Youichi as he headed back to his room without noticing him displayed an extreme unreliability and instability. It looked like he went to a public bath, since his hair was wet. He wondered if he had intended to go to the baths to sooth his fatigue, but ended up taking too long and getting dizzy.

There’s a surprisingly stupid side to him.

Shibuki wrongly assumed, concerned about Youichi’s body condition while also feeling slightly relaxed. And so even though he personally witnessed Youichi’s terrible condition at the competition next day, he kept thinking that it was because of his dizziness from the long hot bath.

The one who’s stupid is me.

When he finally realized it, it was in the infirmary during intermission where he was informed of the truth.

The fifth round came after the intermission, and there was no disturbance in the water for the first of the free-choice dives except when Tenri High’s Ogawa messed up the entry of his inward 3½ forward somersaults in tuck position. As everyone steadily gained points, Youichi’s turn was about to come.

Youichi, who seemed tired, had ascended the steps with his back bent, and advanced one step towards the platform that the spectators were watching. At that moment, as though something possessed him, his body harboured an unrelenting spirit and tightened by it.

There’s no match for him, Shibuki thought at that moment. While he was meeting with Kyouko, Youichi was practicing in the pool until the very end. Even when Shibuki was mourning the fleetingness of three seconds, Youichi didn’t forget the preciousness of 1.4 seconds. That difference, that pride that consisted of continuing to work harder than anyone else, was probably the spirit that was sustaining him at this eleventh hour.

There’s no match for him.

But, I can’t afford to lose either.

And now, one more person—. Shibuki turned to Tomoki, who was waiting for his turn two spots behind him. Sure enough, he couldn’t stand to watch Youichi because of worry, but it was cowardly to avert his eyes, but…his face expressed such conflict.

The goodness of someone who had that much empathy for their rivals. On the flip side, for an athlete it was also naivete. To be honest, Shibuki was sometimes irritated with that part of Tomoki. As normal friends it was great, but as rivals maybe it was too soft.

However, as soon as he left the ground, his body sparkled with an intense aura in an instant. As though he was a water spirit released from his weight, clad in sashes of light over and over and dancing. That unworldly lightness. That suppleness. He couldn’t help but think that Tomoki was gifted with those things at birth, instead of gaining them through hard work like himself and Youichi.

That was why he was afraid of Tomoki. Maybe more than he was of Youichi.

When Shibuki bit his molars, Youichi’s back floated up into the air, jumping out of sight. A small sound of cutting through water. The water surface was a bit disturbed, but with this performance it was the first time today that he got two 8 points from the judges.

It was expected that he was able to only do that much of a performance with his fever.

But, could Youichi’s body really last until the end?

Would his own back be able to endure severe pain until his final entry after six rounds?

Could he endure, win, and take off to a new world unexplored by any Okitsu?

And Kyouko…

Shibuki’s turn came after Camel, who had disappeared beneath the water after Youichi, and as he slowly advanced to the tip of the dragon, the questions that occupied his head from last night returned.

Continuing to dive like Kyouko said, or returning to his hometown; which one did he truly want?

Or, did he no longer want either of them?

Kyouko said that she wanted to confirm something. She said she might know if she watched Shibuki dive.

Shibuki wanted to confirm them.

His own future.

Kyouko’s feelings.

The outcomes of Youichi’s and Tomoki’s dreams.

For that to happen, he first had to try flying away from here.

He arrived at the tip of the platform, touching the lights of the ceiling that resembled distant fishing fires (3). At that moment, the whistle that announced the start of the performance echoed in Shibuki’s ears.

Rankings as of the Fifth Round (Cumulative)

①     Okitsu Shibuki (285.21 points)

②     Yamada Atsuhiko (264.84 points)

③     Asama Takashi (251.85 points)

④     Sakai Tomoki (250.95 points)

⑤     Kaburagi Shinji (246.21 points)

⑥     Nakayama Masahiko (236.94 points)

⑦     Matsuno Kiyotaka (233.91 points)

⑧     Ogawa Shinobu (233.29 points)

⑨     Moriya Kazuteru (215.64 points)

⑩     Tsuji Toshihiko (205.35 points)

⑪     Maruyama Reiji (204.42 points)

⑫     Fujitani Youichi (200.43 points)

Translation Notes

1.Kuidaore Tarou was a famous clown mascot of the restuarant Cui-Daoré, which closed down in 2008, however he is still around in Osaka today and considered a regional symbol.

2. Shiatsu is a technique that involves massaging the body with fingers and palms, and stretching it. Seitai, according to jisho, is “ manipulative therapy based on Chinese and Japanese traditions, and encompassing osteopathy, massage and chiropractic​ “

3.Fishing fires refer fires set to lure fish in at night.

[orbemnews]

Alleged victim of Houston Texans' Deshaun Watson speaks publicly for 1st time HOUSTON, Texas (KTRK) — The first of 22 victims to file a lawsuit against Houston Texans’ quarterback Deshaun Watson spoke publicly for the first time at a press conference held by Houston attorney Tony Buzbee Tuesday. Ashley Solis identified herself as a victim of sexual assault by Watson. She spoke about her encounter with Watson on March 30, 2020 in her own home. “I hope my story gives [other victims] the courage to speak out,” Solis said. “I was afraid. I’m not afraid anymore. I do exist.” You can watch the victim’s full statement in the video player above. Solis is a licensed massage therapist and described the practice as what she loves to do most. She said massage therapy has been forever tainted to her because of her traumatic experience. Through tears, Solis explained that, since her alleged assault, she has had to cut sessions with clients short due to the trauma. “Some days I feel like a hero, other days I feel like a failure,” Solis said. “I replay the incident over and over in my head like I’m trying to wake up from some horrible nightmare, except the nightmare is real.” She explained that she suffers from panic attacks, anxiety and depression after her alleged assault by Watson, and is in therapy. Click through this immersive experience to read about each of the 22 lawsuits. For a better experience on the app, click here to see the experience on its own page. According to Solis, her father, who was once a die-hard Texans fan, can no longer say Watson’s name without turning red in the face. “I will not let Deshaun win,” she said. “He needs to be held accountable for his actions.” The following is a summary from the incident, as explained in the lawsuit:March 30, 2020, at the plaintiff’s home in Texas. The plaintiff has run a massage therapy business since 2018 and is a licensed therapist. He contacted her via direct message on Instagram and insisted no one else be present during his massage. The woman alleges that Watson exposed his penis and touched her hand with his penis. She says she ended the massage abruptly and Watson told her: “I know you have a career and a reputation, and I know you would hate for someone to mess with yours, just like I don’t want anyone messing with mine.” She says he texted later to apologize but she did not respond. A second victim provided a statement for Buzbee’s team to read aloud. The alleged victim, Lauren Baxley, said she was instructed by her trauma therapist to write a letter to Watson to help her heal. The letter detailed her experience with Watson from June 2, 2020. Her story was like many of the others filed. She described Watson being completely nude, despite requests to cover himself, and she described him touching her with his penis without her consent. “You are nothing more than a predator with power,” her letter read. “Your good guy reputation was nothing more than an meticulously designed persona to keep victims silent.” READ MORE: 22nd lawsuit against Deshaun Watson alleges woman had to sign non-disclosure agreement In her letter, Baxley went on to describe her fear of being attacked at work or in her own home after reading comments from Watson’s supporters online. The following is a summary from the incident, as explained in the lawsuit:June 2, 2020 at a spa in Houston. The plaintiff has been in the massage business about 11 years and is a licensed therapist who routinely works with pro athletes. She says Watson contacted her via Instagram and later by phone, telling her he makes “a lot of massage therapists uncomfortable and it’s really hard for me to find someone who will meet my needs.” During the appointment, the woman says, Watson continually tried to remove towels and exposed his penis multiple times and moved “in such a way to make his penis touch Plaintiff.” The lawsuit says Watson tried to schedule future appointments but was ignored or declined. According to Buzbee, although 22 lawsuits are filed, five other women came to him with stories, but they were turned away because he did not believe he could provide a case. Each case is very similar, according to Buzbee. Watson reached out to the women on social media, usually Instagram, and asked if they could provide a massage, even to some women who are not licensed therapists. He arranged the appointments on social media and would often insist the women be alone during the scheduled massage. Buzbee said in many cases, Watson would dictate via direct message what type of massage he wanted and dictate women wear certain types of outfits. According to Buzbee, Watson would also often insist to use a towel to cover himself up and would bring his own towel, which was a small washcloth. In many cases, Watson allegedly had the women sign a non-disclosure agreement before or after the session, Buzbee said. In total, two of the alleged victims are located in Georgia, one in California, one in Arizona and the rest in Houston. Buzbee said 15 of the accusers are Black women, four are white and three are Hispanic. Buzbee said, outside of his lawsuits, two to three of the women, including Solis, have made formal complaints to Houston police, and other women are still considering their options. READ MORE: Report concerning Deshaun Watson filed with HPD The attorney provided the press with five pieces of evidence and said he would later post them online. The “packets” included screen shots of direct messages between the alleged victims and Watson, an NDA Watson allegedly emailed to one of the accusers to fill out, screenshots of direct messages between one of the alleged victims and a coworker she reached out to directly after her incident detailing the experience, and screenshots of tweets from Watson’s Twitter account where he talks about massages. Buzbee said that some of the provided messages show Watson telling an alleged victim that he will borrow a massage table from the Houston Texans to use at the session. Buzbee said Watson borrowed equipment from the team multiple times. Other screenshots show Watson arranging plane tickets and Uber rides for one of the victims from out of state, Buzbee said. “The Houston Police Department was extremely cooperative, professional and compassionate, but, as you’ve heard here, it is a very intense process,” Buzbee said of the official complaints filed. When asked if he thinks more victims will come foreword, Buzbee said, “Once they hear from Ashley Solis, maybe they will.” In the hours following Buzbee’s news conference, Watson’s camp hit at claims by the outspoken attorney insisting the accusers aren’t in it for the money. According to Rusty Hardin, Watson’s attorney, Buzbee had sought $100,000 on Solis’ behalf to remain quiet. That demand, Hardin said, was made a month before her lawsuit was filed in mid-March. SEE MORE: Deshaun Watson’s lawyer says accuser wanted $100K to stay quiet Previously, 18 professional massage therapists have come out in support of the Texans quarterback, saying the allegations were not consistent with the experiences they’ve had with the star athlete. Watson has publicly denied any wrongdoing, and Hardin said last week that he believes “any allegation that Deshaun forced a woman to commit a sexual act is completely false.” The NFL said in a statement Friday that it is “continuing to monitor all developments” pertaining to the league’s personal conduct policy, and the Texans said in a statement that they would stay in close contact with the NFL during its investigation. Copyright © 2021 KTRK-TV. All Rights Reserved. !function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s) if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function()n.callMethod? n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments); if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0'; n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0; t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)(window,document,'script', 'https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js'); fbq('init', '301587867451487'); fbq('track', 'PageView'); Source link Orbem News #1st #allegations #Alleged #Deshaun #deshaunwatson #Houston #houstontexans #hpdevidence #Lawsuits #massagetherapists #pressconference #publicly #Quarterback #sexualassault #Speaks #Texans #Time #tonybuzbee #victim #Watson #whatisdeshaunwatsonaccusedof

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

Lagom (V x MC)

*REWORKED VERSION*

THERE ARE NO V ROUTE SPOILERS IN THIS FANFIC - ALL CLEAR AHEAD!

It’s finally here!! It took so long but here is my second fanfic in my word series! It took so long because there was a lot of backwards and forwards and “is this right?” or “this is rubbish oml you can’t post this” soooo I think this is as good as it’s going to be haha, I hope you enjoy it! 

WARNINGS:

References to toxic/abusive relationships, but they're very subtle

Spoilers for Secret endings

No spoilers for V route - this also means that a lot of this is not canon (explained below)

NOTES:

This takes place after the secret endings, but in an AU where V does not die and MC never ends up in a romantic relationship with Seven. Rika has been sent away to seek professional help for her mental health, and is no longer in contact with the RFA.

lagom (n.): a Swedish word meaning not too little, not too much. Just right.

PART 1

“Right, I think we’re done.”

V scanned the apartment, squinting with the limited vision he had as checked one last time that the apartment was pristine. He was tidy by default, but today he was extra meticulous almost to the point of being obsessive. He needed everything to be perfect which, to be frank, was odd even for him. It was only MC who was visiting after all, and regrettably, she had seen a lot worse. He didn’t even need to invite her in the first place, he had only invited her to discuss a few things for the upcoming RFA party, even though everything was pretty much ready. What was he doing?

V had been living in Rika’s old apartment ever since she had gone. He told everyone that he ‘had some old documents he needed to sort through’, though Jumin was the first see right through his friend’s lies.

V had always had trouble with letting go. Ever since they were little he had collected and hoarded anything that help any sort of sentiment. Train tickets, stuffed animals, he even had a shoe box full of every birthday card he had ever received. Jumin often wondered if this was why V wanted to become a photographer, believing if he captured a moment, he could cling onto it forever. This meant that when Jumin had requested on more than one occasion that he move out of the apartment and accept the treatment for his eyes, on more than one occasion it hadn't ended terribly well.

V was never one to break in front of others, but his whole universe had just been turned upside down, inside out and back to front. His whole routine was altered, the structure beneath him collapsed and the foundation of his life had split in two, and nobody seemed to grasp that. People around him would just tell him ‘it was for the best’, that the relationship he and Rika had was ’toxic’, that they were ‘better off without each other’. Even though everything they were saying was true, nobody understood the guilt he carried upon his back, only watching from the outside.

His sun was gone, and he was left in an eclipse.

Well, not everybody misunderstood. There was one woman, one incredible woman. She spoke so softly but was honest, she practically oozed warmth but wasn’t afraid to call him out when it was necessary, and she listened to him. Never once did she try to throw her opinions on his and Rika’s relationship at him, nor did she ever judge him for his seemingly never-ending grief. She told him the truth, but never dismissed anything he told her or used the classic ‘but surely you should be happy now your free from her?’ line. Because he wasn't free, at least not then.

Gradually, the load that weighed him down got lighter, and it was because MC was with him every step of the way, never leaving his side unless he needed space. She was so patient, and that’s probably why V now trusted her so wholeheartedly.

Because it’s just trust, right? This feeling in his gut is just strong trust and admiration, right? Right?

DING DONG

Crap! V was so lost in thought that he had completely spaced out. Why did his chest feel like someone was trying to punch their way out? MC had come over so many times - usually in the early hours of the morning when he was at his lowest…God, she was so patient with him - but he had never felt this on edge before. Sure, he had been pretty highly strung when she had visited in the past, but she had never been the cause of it. What he didn’t know, however, is that sometimes you need to be highly strung to be in tune.

Shaking the thought away to deal with the task at hand, V inched towards the door, giving one last glance over the apartment and smoothing down his shirt. What was he doing?

Click.

“Hello, MC.”

* * *

MC rocked back on her heals, staring at the door in front of her. Just ring the doorbell, MC, for God’s sake, it’s not like it’s gonna bite. She had reached for it a few times, but never fully committed, always wussing out at the last moment. What was she doing?

She fixed her hair and straightened her top before wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. She took a deep breath and mentally counted down. Okay, you’re gonna do this in 3…2…1…

DING DONG

Crap! Her heart dropped, realising that there was no turning back now. She had been to V’s apartment countless times before, but V had been doing a lot better recently so there was really no reason for her to visit. It was extremely unexpected when he had randomly texted her asking if she could pop over to ‘discuss some details for the upcoming RFA party’, even though she was pretty sure she had everything covered. Maybe there was something she had missed, but even that could be dealt with over a simple phone call. Why did he need to see her in person?

Part of her was relieved though, as she had always worried that when he got better, he would stop needing her. Her visits would become unnecessary and she wouldn't be able to see him as often and she once did. She would miss him. It was a selfish thought, yes, but she was worried that he would disappear from her life, that he was slipping through her fingers, leaving her behind-

Click

“Hello, MC.”

“Oh! Hello, V,” MC mentally scolded herself for the obvious increase of pitch in her voice, she was the one who rang the bell after all. She must look like such an idiot.

V gave her a warm smile, “Please, come in.”

Like the gentleman he is, he moved aside whilst holding the door open to welcome MC into the apartment. She felt a wave of nostalgia wash over her as she browsed the room she had spent so much time in over the years. There was the dining table where she had spent hours emailing potential party guests when she first joined the RFA, the coffee table she always stubbed her toe on when reading through the chatroom, and the little spot in the corner where she had held V in her arms when he couldn't find the strength within him to move and couldn't find the peace within him to sleep. She looked back proudly at the man as he shut the door behind her. He's come so far, she thought to herself.

“Can I get you a drink of anything? Tea? Coffee?”

“A cup of coffee would be lovely, thank you.”

“Sugar?”

“Two please.”

“No problem, if you would like to make yourself comfy I’ll be right back,” V smiled fondly at her, a smile that had never been absent, but seemed a little brighter than before.

MC placed herself on the couch, releasing a breath that had built up in her lungs. Why was she so agitated? She studied the apartment again, trying to fix her mind on something else. She noticed that nothing had changed or moved ever since she had lived there, everything was pretty much exactly the same. Though, upon inspection, it did look a little tidier than before.

* * *

V clicked the kettle on and started up the coffee machine before he finally let himself relax. Resting his hands on the counter and hunching over, he took a few deep breaths to ground himself. What was happening to him? He had had his fair share of anxiety attacks after everything that had happened in his life, and though the symptoms he was now experiencing were very similar, he didn’t feel like he was in danger, he didn’t feel an urge to run. In fact, something was calling at him to stay. His palms were sweating, his heart was racing, and his stomach was fluttering like there were thousands of butterflies- oh. So that was what butterflies felt like.

But why? Why was he only now realising what butterflies was supposed to feel like?

After a minute to gather himself together, V grabbed two white mugs from the cabinet and began making the coffee for MC and green tea for himself, though it took longer than it should have due to his poor sight and trembling hands.

One thing that he had refused to admit to himself was that he found himself thinking about MC a lot. Like, a lot. Even when he was doing such mundane things like washing the dishes, she wormed her way into his thoughts. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what he was feeling, but it was something, and that something was becoming harder and harder to ignore. He felt it when he thought about her voice, her laugh, her eyes, her touch-

His hands wobbled, clashing full mugs against each other with enough force for the boiling liquid slosh over the brim.

Dammit. Spilt the tea.

* * *

MC’s stomach did a little flip as V returned with their drinks and placed them on the coffee table before joining her on the couch.

“So, what was it exactly that you wanted to discuss?”

“Hm? Oh! Yes, um, it was about…”

And so they talked about the party, for around 10 minutes; but 7 hours, 6 cups of tea, 6 sugar cubes, 4 fits of giggles and one pizza delivery later, MC glanced at the clock above the TV only to discover that their little meeting had gone on for longer than either of them had originally intended, “Now, I don’t know if you’re aware, but we’ve been sat here for a very long time,” MC teased.

“Oh really? What time is it?” V returned with a small chuckle, blissfully unaware of how fast time had flown by.

“Just gone midnight.”

“What?! Oh my God, MC, I’m so so sorry, I shouldn’t have kept you this long!” he shot up, “I was just having such a lovely time I didn’t even consider how late it was getting. I can’t even see the damn clock! Oh, MC I’m really so sorry! I shouldn’t have been so selfish and irresponsible and at least asked if you wanted to leave-“

MC also stood up, arms out in an attempt to reassure the panicked man in front of her, “V no no no it’s okay! It’s not your fault-“

“I’ll call a cab for you, it’s too dangerous to walk home at this time-“

“V-“

“I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. Oh God, what if something happens to you because of me-“

“V-!“

“Why do people always get hurt because of me?!”

“Jihyun!”

* * *

V snapped back to his senses at the sound of his real name ringing in his head and the feeling of hands gripping his shoulders. Jesus…he had never meant for such a sudden outburst, but the words just came tumbling out. He looked down at MC to find she was looking straight into his eyes, refusing to break eye contact and…were her eyes filling up?

“V, listen to me, please,” she said steadily, “I will not stand here and let you say that about yourself. I will not let you return to the way you were months ago when you’ve come so far. Yes, you’ve made mistakes and yes, there are things that maybe you should have done differently, but look around you! You’re not in that place anymore. Everything is okay, I’m okay, you’re okay. Everything you have ever done was to help people in any way you could, you’re heart is so pure and good but you’re always so caught up in trying not to hurt people that you end up destroying yourself!” her voice cracked, “In all the time I’ve known you, I have never seen you once do something for yourself or tried to defend yourself. Please, for God’s sake, V, be selfish for once!”

V felt his eyes prickle with tears. She was looking at him with so much sincerity and kindness that he almost had to turn away as he didn’t feel he deserved any of it. But he stayed there, staring directly into the eyes of the woman who never gave up on him, vowing to himself that he would now never give up on her, either. Could he be selfish? Did he even know how to? After years of sacrificing himself to protect those around him and taking their pain away by drowning in it himself, it had been so ingrained in his head that he couldn’t do anything for himself. He knew exactly what he wanted to do in that moment, he knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was selfish, he knew that, but…

Maybe just this once.

* * *

MC attempted to blink away her tears whilst also focussing on the man before her. He was silent, and from her experiences she had learnt that silent V was never a good sign. She let the silence go on a little longer until she began to panic herself, “V…?”

She noticed something in his eyes shift, and felt one hand on her waist and the other cupping her cheek, brushing away a tear that had escaped. She scanned V’s face, looking for some kind of clue as to what he was going on behind those big turquoise eyes. Her heart stopped as she registered how close their faces were. She felt him start to close the gap, “V…”

Their lips brushed against each other once, and then everything spilled out. Every word that went unsaid, every touch that went ‘unnoticed’, every thought that was brushed away was communicated in one simple action. MC felt herself melt into his kiss, one that was so sincere yet filled with so much passion. She felt electricity soar through her veins as all her senses were taken over by him. The way he smelt of vanilla, the taste on tea on his tongue, his static touch, his everything. MC wrapped her arms around V’s neck and ran her fingers through his hair, unable to get close enough to him.

Oh boy…

She had fallen hard this time.

And she was loving every second of it.

* * *

As he started to lean in, seconds before their lips made contact, he paused, waiting for her permission and giving her the opportunity to back out.

“V…” she whispered, her voice dripping with want.

The moment his name passed her lips, and when she didn’t move away, he decided to close the gap between them. V pulled MC closer to him, almost as though he was utterly addicted to her. Which, to be fair, wasn’t far from the truth. All he wanted to do was fall away from reality, not have to think about tomorrow or the day after or the day after that. He just wanted to be completely lost in her kiss.

Because that was the difference between MC and Rika. His heart sped up when seeing MC because of anticipation, not out of fear. His blood didn’t run cold, his whole soul warmed in her presence. MC was so soft, Rika was so sharp. He had loved Rika once and there was no denying that, but she was ill, and he knew that. He didn’t have any ounce of hatred towards her, he wasn’t capable of such an emotion, but he had moved on, and he could finally see that now.

Their lips broke apart for air, and they rested on each other’s foreheads as they tried to catch their breath.

V chuckled slightly at MC’s completely flushed face, despite the fact that he knew his face looked the exact same. They stayed there for a while in each other’s arms, and MC’s eyes had grown heavy and closed, though their foreheads were still touching. V noticed she was tired, and decided it was now or never, “MC?”

“Hmm?”

“I…I…”

She opened her eyes.

She was so beautiful.

Yes, he thought, this was right. Who was he kidding now? There was no longer any doubt. He knew what he was feeling, and he knew that this was the start of an incredible adventure.

“I love you.”

She smiled.

“I love you too, V.”

* * *

20 years later.

MC was woken by the sun’s rays leaking in through their sheer bedroom curtains and the smell of pancakes coming from the kitchen. She usually woke up earlier than her husband, and it became an unsaid ritual that every Sunday morning she would make breakfast for the both of them whilst she let him have a lie in. MC had worked late the night before, so today was an exception. He wasn’t usually allowed to cook breakfast for them when he was tired after a few…incidents, which may or may not have resulted in blaring smoke alarms, the fire department and a some “slightly overcooked” toast.

MC pried herself out of bed and followed the delicious smell to the kitchen, not bothering to get properly dressed or have a shower or fix her horrific bedhead. She simply wrapped a robe around her and began her search. As soon as she saw that burst of turquoise in front of the stove, everything slowed down. MC felt warmth and tranquility blanket over her when he looked up and shot her a smile, the smile that was reserved just for her, “Morning, angel.”

“Morning, sweetie.”

Their pet names developed as a joke a year or so after they started their relationship, and they just kind of stuck. Everyone in the RFA did not hesitate to vocalise their disgust, finding the names cringey or cheesy. But with a stoke of mischief, the couple only proceeded to use them at any found opportunity, until it became second nature to the two of them and thee names just stuck.

MC took a seat on the breakfast stool, resting her chin in the palm of her hand as she studied her husband adoringly,  “So, what is it today, chef?”

“Only the very best pancakes for you, ma’am.”

“So, Jumin’s recipe?”

“Hey!”

MC raised an eyebrow.

“…maybe.”

“I knew it!” she laughed, but it was that laugh where she threw her head back, a few snorts here and there. The laugh that always made V’s chest bubble with affection. It was impossible for him to find any part of this woman that wasn’t beautiful, and her joy just so happened to be her most gorgeous feature in his eyes. He placed a couple of cut up strawberries on top of the stack and slid over the plate, before taking out a cactus shaped mug and a large yellow mug with ‘Cup of Sunshine’ written across the side as he started to make coffee.

A comfortable silence fell upon the room as they shared their breakfast. A few minutes passed before MC checked the clock, “Uh, Jihyun, you might want to get going if you want to make it to your exhibition on time.”

“Really? What time is it?”

“10:30.”

“Oh crap, you’re right, I should go!”

MC smirked, “I know what I’m going to get you for your birthday.”

“And what’s that?”

“A watch.”

V playfully stuck his tongue out at MC, which caused her to erupt into giggles. These were his most treasured moments that they shared, the simple little moments that meant absolutely nothing to everyone else, but meant the world to him. He grabbed his bag and gave MC a quick peck on the lips, “Right, I’ll see you later then. Love you!”

“Love you too! Be careful okay?”

He smiled fondly at her, “I will do, give me a call if you need anything.”

And just like that, he was out of the door. He passed a dusty cane on his way out, which hadn't been needed and went unnoticed for many years, completely forgotten. MC sipped on her coffee.

Two sugars.

Just right.

[wexlerkimberly]

2017 summary under the cut lol

2017 has undoubtedly been a mixed bag o'stuff but i'm thankful i've been able to do so many amazing things yet again this year. i feel like i'm probably forgotten something because i'm dumb and forgetful and had to use other people's social media and my sister's memory to remember what i've actually done this year lmao. anyway, here goes:

january - went to oxford and met up with the lovely sammy. it was a rainy day but i still got to see how beautiful oxford is. we went to the prison and got an interesting albeit creepy tour, we had a nice lunch at prezzo then i dragged sam to the ashmoleon museum which i loved. overall it was a great day and i love her lots @tudorbitch ❤

february - saw tegan and sara with my friends which was so much fun.

april - saw billy elliot: the musical with my mom. i'm not a massive musical fan but billy elliot is one of my fave films so i thought we'd give it a go but it was actually really good and i enjoyed it a lot lol cried like 5 times. all the lil child actors were so talented and i loved them all so much.

may - went to alton towers for my brother's birthday. i love roller coasters but i hadn't been to a theme park in a good few years and i was really anxious about going (lol when aren’t i though for realllll) especially because i'd never been to alton towers before. but i had a great day and i loved it! i think my fave ride was probably galactica?????? the smiler made me feel violently ill lmao it throws you about way too much!!!!!!!

may - went to london with my mom and our friend to see don juan in soho starring david tennant. we had a lovely lunch in the pub right over the road from the theatre and the play itself was so amazing. it was so funny and ridiculous and the cast were all so incredible.

june - wta event in birmingham. me and my mom got tickets for the ENTIRE week because we're very greedy. it was INCREDIBLE. we got to see so many top matches and it was great to see petra kvitova return and win the title. was also fortunate enough to meet garbiñe muguruza and get a picture with her. i thought a full week at the tennis might get boring after a while but it wasn't because there was always a great match to watch or you could see other players training on the outside courts. also very lucky that the weather was insanely hot that week so none of the matches were rained off.

july - hyde park festival with my mom, my sister and our friend for my sisters birthday. again, we were fortunate with the weather. we saw mystery jets, tears for fears, cold war kids, white lies, a bit of elbow and, my fave, the killers. an amazing day.

july/august - family holiday to france. our first half of the holiday was spent down in the dordogne region and the weather was blistering. we went to the local medieval town a few times, to the lascaux cave paintings and to beynac castle and town. the campsite too was lovely and we hung around there a lot. for the second part of our holiday, we went to brittany but on the way there we went to oradour which was a poignant and worthwhile visit. in brittany, we went to the local towns such as saint-malo, the various beaches and got very early on the rainiest day to visit mont saint-michel. a genuinely enjoyable family holiday.

november - saw the killers twice in two nights. two very different but utterly amazing shows. like i cannot fully put into words how great it was to see my fave band again and manage to get so close to barrier. i maintain my stance that the killers are definitely the best band i have ever seen live.

november - atp tour finals. saw goffin v federer, murray & soares vs peers & kontinen and dimitrov vs sock. some incredible matches and, as always, the best atmosphere in that arena.

november - saw greg davies with my dad. sooooo funny.

december - to break out of my anxious bubble, i've been trying to do more things independently to build up my confidence. one of these included going to london by myself to see john finnemore's souvenir programme recording (i listen to a lot of radio 4 comedy lmao forgive me). it was a hilarious show and london looked spectacular lit up for christmas but i'm mostly proud of myself for navigating the tube by myself, getting there ok by myself and talking to new people on the train back.

overall, this has definitely been a very mixed year with lots of highs but also quite a few lows. i am only really trying to focus on the positive aspects. ultimately, i think it has been a pretty important year for my own personal developments and i have achieved some key personal milestones this year, i think. specifically, i have been working on improving my anxiety and self-confidence.

i have survived my first year of uni and i’m now in my second year and very much settled into the routine  and my course and the commute and stuff. i am much more willing to do things by myself now, such as go shopping myself or even go all the way to london for a show by myself. additionally, i have tried to get more involved in activities happening at uni. i am still struggling with this but i have made definite improvements but attending some labour society meetings. this sounds stupid but over summer, i wore shorts and dungarees and showed off my legs which i would have previously been way too self-conscious about. crucially, i think utilising my uni’s counselling service has been very beneficial to me in helping me manage my anxiety and anxious thoughts.

i have not been perfect this year and i have definitely made quite a few mistakes. but, not to be disgustingly cheesy or anything, i hope 2018 is a year of continued growth and development for everyone, including myself. take care and have a very happy new year!

(see also: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011)

[hercrossroads]

these past few days have been filled. filled with joy + sadness + frustration + happiness + all things bittersweet. these past few days have been days on which i’ve desired to find the words, to understand where my heart is at, yet it’s been so abstract. this space of transition is a space in which i’ve found myself spinning. but as i’ve reflected + rested + prayed more fervently than i think i ever have before, i know that i’m spinning in the right direction. . i graduated from law school in may. i’m studying for the BAR exam at the moment and will take it at the end of july. i am mentally preparing to leave minnesota and make colorado my new home. my heart is stretching as i pray through and think on becoming a new wife, sister + daughter-in-law in august. i am updating my resume + writing cover letter after cover letter only to hear nothing in return. i am spending as much time as possible with my sweet parents + best friend and her family. yet time continues to move and each day continues to hold just 24 hours + those hours are full and planned and scheduled and non-stop. the grind, the newness, the adventure ahead. the comfort that i know will soon become the discomfort of the unknown. i spin + spin, but it is good. . over the past few days, it has become ever more clear that His power is t r u l y made perfect in my weakness. when i am down, He pulls me up. when i am sad and overwhelmed, His grace covers me. when i feel alone in the day-to-day, He provides a way. . i woke up on sunday with a heartache i couldn’t quite understand. it was a sense of ‘i wish i could be everywhere at one time’ kind of feeling. but most of all, i just wanted to be with my person. the person that reflects + reveals God’s love to me in a way that no one else does - MWB. simply put, being near to him is like being near to Him. and that’s what i wanted - to just be close to Love. to get to my person who lives 800+ miles away - to meet His love in him. spinning. sunday morning spins. so many spins. . so i hopped online - i had a $200 voucher from a $400 flight i never took, so knew that i could potentially use that for airfare. but here i was, trying to book a ticket for a flight that i hoped to board later that afternoon. my heart sunk realizing that the probability of finding anything at a reasonable price, let alone that could be paid for with my voucher was slim to none. but at that moment, my heart decided to simply trust. to be still + trust in the midst of the spinning. i found a one-way to Denver for $150 and was shocked. i called the airline to redeem my voucher, but lo and behold - the airline representative, Karen, couldn’t find it. a sinking heart. she put me on hold and i waited. . in those moments of waiting i continued to rest in these words: “where there is a will, there is a way… where there is My will, there is My way.” still spinning, but in His direction. . i heard Karen get back on the line and i held my breathe. she began to speak + said she’d found the voucher. an exhale. tears. i thanked her for her help and told her how grateful i was all the while trying not to lose my breathe again amidst the tears [it didn’t work]. g r a t i t u d e. Karen was silent for a moment + then quickly asked me to hold again. she clicked off of the line + i waited. she clicked back on. ‘Ms. Fernandez’, she said, “i was able to redeem the full amount of your plane ticket from may. you have a $400 voucher at your disposal.” more tears + gratitude. i was shocked. in awe. humbled. i couldn’t thank her enough. that voucher covered the entire cost of my airfare. i was CO bound in 4 hours from the time i booked my ticket. g r a t i t u d e. “where there is a will, there is a way… where there is My will, there is My way.” still spinning, but in His direction. . i called MWB and told him i was coming to CO, and his response: “i’ll be waiting for you at the airport.” my heart. i began to pack and as i was packing and running around trying to get things sorted out, i quickly glanced up at the calendar on my wall. on it i have a little name card that i got in 2nd grade. it says: Shalini. Beloved. and has a scripture verse from joshua 1:9 on it :: “have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” w h e r e v e r i go, He will be with me. how amazing + wonderful. in the midst of the chaos, He will be with me. i smiled and continued to pack. . mom + dad dropped me off at the airport and i was off. i made it to my gate with a bit of time to spare and sat in awe of the past 4ish hours. i woke up that morning in MN thinking that it would be another ordinary day of studying. but here i was about to get on a plane for CO simply because He had made a way. awe. i sat silently and though i was still, i was still spinning. life is weird and God is good, i thought. . as i stood to board the plane, i noticed a man in front of me. he was wearing a t-shirt and on the back collar of the shirt it simply said ‘joshua 1:9’. tears. tears as i stood in line to board. He is with me w h e r e v e r i go. . i think there are so many things i’m learning in this season of life - a season of transition. i’m learning that patience and being still are an a c t i v e choice. His power is made perfect in my active choice to be patient and still. His power is made perfect when i choose to lean into Him in the midst of the chaos and unknown. His will is far beyond my comprehension and understanding, but it is good. . i am here in CO now with MWB and my heart has been at rest. the day to day is still just as busy with BAR prep + wedding things + talk of the future. but when you are with your person - the one that reminds you and reveals to you more of the heart of Christ - the spinning becomes a bit more manageable. . i’m still drawing from these past few days, but for now these are the words that i know to share. i am grateful, i am humbled, and i am certain that He is with me. that He calls us out of our fears + uncertainties + draws us into His love when we actively choose to see His hand in the midst of the spinning. when we make an effort to be near those that remind us that His love is greater than the day-to-day worries + anxieties we face. when we press into His promises instead of trying to figure it all out on our own. . what i know is that He knows our difficulties and our struggles and our hearts even when we ourselves have a hard time putting words to any of it. He reminds us that He has a plan regardless of whether or not we can see it before us. all we must do is be courageous + brave and actively choose to be still and patient. the rest - His will will make a way. He is with us w h e r e v e r we go.