#But this same scene is giving me too many emotions to be articulate

[revenantghost]

Hey

Remember when Vash's only reason to continue fighting and holding on to life was killing Knives

And now that reason is Wolfwood

:')

[takeme-totheworld]

Aziraphale and Forgiveness, Pt 1: Not Just A Word

This series is now complete! Here's where you can find the other parts.

Part 2 here. Part 3 here. Part 4 here.

There are a lot of aspects to Aziraphale’s character that, when I first watched the show, I vibed with immediately without really thinking too hard about why. He just made deep emotional sense to me as a character. It wasn’t until I waded into the fandom that I realized how much metaphorical ink was being spilled over the question “Why does Aziraphale do the things he does?”

I would always think, “Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?” but then find that I didn’t really have the words to explain why I thought it was obvious. It was just this ongoing feeling of “Well sure, that’s exactly the kind of thing I did/would have done as a born-and-raised evangelical teenager.” But then I would try to articulate the actual reasons younger-me would have had for doing the thing (and by extension, what I assumed Aziraphale’s reasons were) and immediately fumble because I hadn’t thought it through that far.

One of these elements of his character is his whole deal about forgiveness. Why is he always telling Crowley he forgives him or wishing for God to forgive him? Why is forgiveness one of his favorite things? Why is this such a prominent theme with his character?

(Me: Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it? Everyone else: What do you mean? Me: …uhhh well I definitely mean something, but yes, good question!)

So here’s my attempt at actually using my words to explain why I find this aspect of his character extremely relatable and realistic from an ex-religious-fundie perspective. And it's going to be in multiple parts because I have way too much to say.

The main point I want to make in this first part is that Aziraphale, like Crowley, has a ton of emotional baggage around the subject of forgiveness.

I see a lot of people ask things like "Why isn't Aziraphale more sensitive to the fact that forgiveness is an emotional hot button for Crowley, who fell?" And that's a fair question! But it's very clear to me whenever I watch the show that forgiveness is also an emotional hot button for Aziraphale, or else he wouldn't keep bringing it up. As with many of the things both characters have issues around, though, with Aziraphale it's less straightforward and less on the surface because of the amount of denial and rationalization his character runs on.

I think it's important to start here, because I firmly believe that when he expresses forgiveness:

He's not saying it glibly or meaninglessly.

He's not saying it because he's an angel and it's part of the brand/that's what angels are "supposed" to say.

He's not saying it because he's feeling smug and self-satisfied*.

He's not saying it because he's trying to put himself above the person he's forgiving.

He's saying it because forgiveness means something important to him, something very emotionally loaded and complicated.

*For the record, Aziraphale is 100% a smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou bastard sometimes. Exhibit A:

Seriously. Look at how pleased with himself he is while he gives Crowley that little speech about evil containing the seeds of its own destruction. This is Aziraphale being a smug bastard. (I say that with affection. It's one of my favorite Aziraphale moments. But he's totally talking shit here.)

But compare that to these:

Look at his face. He is not feeling pleased with himself (or anything) in these moments. I'm too low-tech to mess with video clips but it's the same with his tone of voice, which ranges from somber to devastated depending on the specific scene. Aziraphale brings up forgiveness when he's experiencing significant emotional distress.

This is already super long so I'm going to end this part here and start digging into what I think his specific damage is about forgiveness in the next post. But I wanted to start here because I've seen the take "Aziraphale is being a superior holier-than-thou prick when he forgives Crowley" several times.

(ETA: I’ve also seen the more positive take, “Aziraphale is just saying I love you the way an angel would,” and I also disagree with this because I don’t think it’s anywhere near that simple. But I digress.)

On the “superior holier-than-thou prick” interpretation: (1) Michael Sheen's acting choices in these scenes don't bear that out at all, and (2) as someone who was raised in a very toxic religious community from which I inherited a lot of Extremely Complicated Feelings about forgiveness that I'm still grappling with...I immediately saw a kindred spirit in Aziraphale in these moments.

Is it an ill-advised thing to say to Crowley of all people, especially that last time? Obviously. But is he being purposely cutting with his words when he says it? I think not.

Stay tuned for Part 2! I plan to write the next part about divine punishment and mercy in Good Omens, how powerless all the angels and demons in this world really are, and the beliefs Aziraphale has developed (especially about forgiveness) to cope with it all.

[shitpostingkats]

hello hello!! i came across your post about baron in the aromantic tag and omg i JUST. needed to say that i am having the EXACT same experience as you right now 😭, aroace watching fantasy high for the first time (though in not as far in as you im on like sy ep 6), but ive seen clips of the baron scenes before and it's just like oh my goshhhh isn't it CRAZY?? how a silly goblin boy in a dnd show makes you feel more seen than anything else on planet earth (for me at least)?? And he's such an amazing character on every single level too, i think about him and him and his mom every day... of my Life....

It's just likeeee. LIKE. Oh my gosh it's just so good. he makes me very happy. i literally started watching fh BECAUSE i saw clips of the baron scenes and knew i just needed to see this. anyway yeah this got really long but. Isn't he just the best ever TBH ....

aegfvhjksjhdl I had the exact opposite experience. Saw a single animatic for Baron's introduction scene like a million years ago and completely forgot it was from fantasy high until I got to The Scene and was like "Wait. I think I've heard this before."

Not to give to many spoilers, I came into Fantasy High knowing Riz was canonically ace but like... I wasn't sure how much of a thing it was going to be? Idk, I just figured it would be the (still very nice!!!! and important!!!) representation of just saying he's ace once or twice.

HOOOOOOOOOO boy I was not expecting to have multiple scenes that examine aceness and growing up ace that cut me to the bone. I felt seen while listening to Baron's second appearance, just validated and moved and really emotional. I straight up cried, which was doubly surprising, because the last time I cried over a piece of media I was in middle school and had just finished reading the Gregor the Overlander series. Brennan and Murph just wonderfully captured a lot of really hard to articulate emotions, emotions I was always convinced were never really going to be understood by someone who hadn't experienced them first hand. And that meant all the more to me, listening to it. We are not alone. We are not incomprehensible.

Riz Gukgak being aroace is so important to me.

[stillsolo]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN. respond to the prompts out of character !

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have? oh, where do i even begin?  well, i suppose i should start with how long sw has been in my life.  ANH was the first movie my mother ever saw when she visited the USA; she saw it with my grandmother ( and subsequently developed a massive crush on harrison, so indiana jones became a huge part of my childhood too lol ).  for this reason, my mother introduced my brother and I to sw when we were actual babies.  then, when the prequels came out, it’s all me and my brother consumed.  from the movies themselves to the original clone wars cartoon to the PS2 games to the novels/book series.  we watched it on a tiny portable player for every trip, and every time my relatives needed us to go away to let the adults talk lol.  it also helped our comprehension of english so much. i can’t recall a time in which sw hasn’t been present in my life! before i joined the tumblr swrpc, i kept to myself in the prequels community, wrote fanfic, and rped anakin on skype.  he’s always been a character that hit a little too close to home in one too many ways.  the main parallel i have with him (that doesn’t relate to his mental issues haha) is his love/devotion/attachment to his mother.  it’s difficult for me to explain without getting into the aspects of my culture (孝順 / filial piety), but in short, i am cantonese; if my mother asked me for my thumb tomorrow, i would give her my arm today.  anakin’s love for his mother, his determination to free her from slavery at an early age, was very touching.  EPII has been memed to oblivion, yes, but the pain i feel when anakin doesn’t get to hear his mother tell him she loves him one last time before she dies, and knowing that it haunts him for the rest of his life (eu), makes me want to throw myself out a window lmao  i have an extremely close relationship with my parents; this sort of pain is absolutely gutting for someone like me. anyway, when i joined the tumblr swrpc, writing han solo was never the plan.  i originally wanted to write luke but ended up changing my mind at the last second.  I’d written well over a dozen fics with han at that point, but was nowhere near confident, so i thought of it as more of an experiment. guess that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, because if you really think about it, since the day i started writing him in fics, he hasn’t stopped butting into my brain.  in fact, he’s been harassing me ever since—to the point that i even switched from writing luke to him… lol given my upbringing and my mother’s love for him, han has always been my childhood hero, as well as my brother’s.  our dad was our han solo.  the nostalgic and familial associations run so deep, it’s difficult to articulate.  we share many traits, right down to his universally agreed-upon zodiac sign (sagittarius); i know han solo like the back of my hand—and it’s probably because i wanted to be just like him when i grew up.

is there anything you don’t like to write? character death.  if i have to say another, it’s when people conflate harrison with the character he plays and then decides to address that in a thread.  harrison was a ladies man back in the 80s, and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean the same for han.  i hate seeing the conflation between the two.  not sure if this happens as often anymore, but there was a time when fics/threads/even han rpers would lean into it, by default, thus totally destroying his character in my eyes.  i mean, write it as a storyline, that’s cool and fine, but infidelity has never been inherently part of his character.  i will die on this fucking hill.

is there anything you really enjoy writing? most unpopular opinion ever: action sequences.  critical situations, fast paced action, thriller scenes featuring immediate, life-threatening circumstances.  i love writing that which exhibits a sense of urgency and tension, with sprinklings of emotional depth and contemplative introspective moments.  scenes with internal conflict combined with aforementioned external events.  even evading enemy forces, sustaining minor/major injuries, dressing wounds.  dunno why those are always the most fun to me.  aside from that?  romance/romantic angst.  i’ve had many writing partners over the years, and each one thought they could outdo me in writing romantic angst.  sometimes, the psychosomatic pain of heartbreak isn’t far from feeling like you’ve lost a limb in battle.

how do you come up with headcanons? by being the most annoying, meticulous person ever.  i’m extremely detail oriented; when i see incongruities in my own work, i perish.  so, when i come up with headcanons, i have to consider all factors that may affect the outcome of whatever question i’ve posed in my mind and feel the need to justify my choices, for whatever reason, by tying it back to XYZ.  my headcanons must align with my muse’s personality, their environment from childhood to adulthood, their current circumstances, and if it’s an AU, how it mirrors canon events.  canon/eu is everything imo, because they are their own choices; it’s what shaped them into the character we know them as.  ofc, this is my process and opinion, so make of that what you will.

do you write in silence or do you play music? no music, no tv.  sometimes people talking is too much for me.  i have adhd and my medication only helps so much.  i will absolutely start writing down the conversation or lyrics playing in the background lol

do you plan your replies or wing them? plotting vs planning replies is different to me.  plotting gives me a foundation, but it can’t be too confining.  to plan a reply is to block out each moment.  if you trap me, i will always deviate; so i wing everything, even when i have a foundation.

do you enjoy shipping? yes, absolutely!  i’m not sure why people tend to assume otherwise, but i’m more open to it than people think.  i’ve never cared about who you write, if they’re in the sw franchise, or even what era of sw etc etc  never given a shit about what people think; if our muses click, they click.  honestly, some of the best ships i’ve had with han, as in the most enjoyable and enlightening of his character, have been ‘crack ships’.

what’s your alias/name? vin, vince, vincent.  vincent van hoe.  trash bin vin.

age? 27!

birthday? dec 2!

favorite color? silver.  if that’s not a color to you, then blue.

favorite song? you can’t expect me to… well, ‘in your eyes’ by the weeknd has been up there for a long time.

last movie you watched? star wars: the clone wars (2008)

last show you watched? … the clone wars lol

last song you listened to? billie jean - MJ.

favorite food? my mother’s 番茄炒蛋 ( egg and tomato stir fry ), unagi, freshly baked breads, fresh fruit …

favorite season? i get mostly tropical weather, but i love a cold winter.

do you have a tumblr best friend? unfortunately, so many people have left the site over the years, but i'm grateful to call these people some of the closest friends i have in the rpc: @techniiciian @desiccation @vibraea @rcvanchist @sgterso @voxcrystallis

tagged : @debelltio thank you for thinking of me!! tagging : if you're still reading this, i tag you!

[cirusthecitrus]

Horde Prime's body language and mannerisms part 3/3

"Expressing facial emotion is a privilege reserved only for Prime"

Despite Prime trying to present himself as this perfect holy being who is above feelings and emotions his face is very expressive. And he's just so fun to look at! Whether he's drawn extremely goofy, unbearably cute or legit creepy

Part 1 // Part 2

1 Prolonged eye contact 👁️👁️

Prime's second favorite activity after touching people without their consent is staring intensely at them!

He can't actually "see all", but he's still trying to grasp as much as he possibly can

Prime likes to talk, but he can also be an attentive listener when he needs to. He allows his opponents speak their mind and gives them time to think and articulate themselves. All that so he can quietly observe and "read" them and find out what they actually think before they can even say a word. It's most notable with Catra. He'd often give her that "I know what you are" look X)

In some instances his stare is used to pressure people into agreeing with him and doing as he says. Or to simply scare them

Again, I've remebered HP being much more talkative than he actually is. There are many moment in the show where Prime is just... watching and patiently waiting for something. Obesrving others just to find something that can help him channel the conversation to the right direction. Like when he waited for Glimmer to try any dish on the table so he could comment on it. Or when he watched her and waited for a needed reaction when he showed her what he's been doing to Etheria

And he also often reacts without any sound or word. His true emotions are simply written on his face. They're seen in his eyes

But when HP really wants to hide them, only then does he open his mouth

2.1. The 👁️w👁️

I've talked about this before, but it was a long time ago, plus i wrote it in a reblog to another post, so now I'm bringing this back in my own post

Throughout the show Prime quite often does this one thing where he silently stares at his opponent while a knowing smile slowly spreads across his face. His eyes don't move and at no point does Prime break this intense eye contact. It looks like his whole expression changes, but the eyes stay the same. He may be smiling now, but there's still this hidden agression and venom behind those cold eyes. This is still a death stare

Most of the time Prime does this when he finds his opponents' attemts to intimidate and threaten him amusing or when he simply tries to hide his displeasure when something goes mildly wrong

But sometimes his smile is sort of a mixed signal and it's easy to read this expression wrong. One can misinterpret it as a sign that the danger has passed and Prime is not going to do them any harm after all. But in reality this smile only means that Prime has finally decided how he's going to kill them

Just like face touching, this is one of Prime's signature moves when he's trying to assert dominance, demostrate his confidense and assure that he's still in control of the situation. Or like in s4 finale scene, to warn his future victim of upcoming danger

3. "No war, no pain"

This moment has always stood out to me and all because of this face. It's such a strange almost out-of-character expression, it's both silly and a little unsettling

Here Prime is trying to make Glimmer help him find She-Ra to active the Heart - so it should be obvious that it's all bullshit and he's ready to say anything to justify his plans and made his intentions seem noble and "good actually"

He speaks in his usual voice too. But damn this manic look in his eyes haunst me to this day

Seems like he's not even looking directly at Glimmer. It's like he dissociates for a second

In this brief moment it feels like Prime is actually done with the current world and cant wait for all this "pain" to be over. What if all this time Prime was just planning to go out in style but also take everyone with him (cause how dare the world exist without him right)? This speculation contradicts his whole "Prime stays eternal" shtick, but going all this way and destroying the universe just so he can have a flashy death sounds like a Horde Prime thing to do (just remember the finale)

Or maybe he really wants to start anew and erase all the evidence of the shit he's done to the universe over the years. Or there's actually nothing behind those eyes i dunno *pokes prime with a stick* be more nuanced damnit!

4. Ears!

Sadly, we don't see spacebats move their ears much, but I think I can still work with what we got

Despite limitations in animation Prime's ears do move from time to time. And in his case they don't exactly indicate what he feels at the moment, but rather show HP's overall emotional state. His ears droop a lot during the two final episodes, and no wonder - since at the time Prime was already losing it and growing more desperate. Plus he was literally connected to the Heart of Etheria, must be overwhelming as all hell

His ears also change position in the middle of HP's passionate speeches, probably indicating that he's getting a little bit carried away - and this idea is so cute to think about :з

5. The vessel room scene

So many interesting expressions here! Probably because this is like, the only scene where Prime is all by himself (Hordak is mainly a background noise to him really). He's not as dramatic as when he's sitting on his throne surrouned by his clones or when he's tormenting his "guests" or confronting his enemies. There's no audience to act so dramatic and pretentious for

What i've noticed is how expressionless he is around his clones when no one else is watching. No smiling, no creepy touching. He's more distant and not as intrusive when its not for a show

This scene also gives a small glimpse at what day to day life of the horde clones probably looks like, as well as at their regular dynamic with Prime. And their relationship here is more mundane and cold than it is intense and horrifying. HP sees his brothers as any other tool, and just like with tools he doesnt even think about them until he needs them for something

Maybe thats what also makes Prime's touch such a powerful weapon - he doesnt normally do that. Which makes the clones both dread and crave his attention and his touch so much

I'm analysing this whole scene simply because we never see Prime like that anywhere else in the show. I mean look! I've never seen him being hesitant before and after this moment. He is only like that around his old vessel. Which again, brings up the question of his past and whether or not there is something Prime doesnt want to come back to. This body stores memories about the First Ones, his enemies, whom he himself called tyrants. Who knows what was happening back then and how it all might have affected Prime

Another small moment I like. Its so calm and quiet and lowkey almost intimate? Again, very unsual for Prime. And then there's this almost forced bitter tiny smile. It can mean two things - Prime has trouble connecting to the vessel (boo boring) or there are some memories which Prime finds pleasant. But again - they're are only memories

6. These eyes are always watching

Prime barely if ever closes his extra eyes. Well, mainly due to them not being animated - they rarely move, and never blink. Most of the time those eyes are stuck on his face like a decoration. BUT I think this only helps to reinforce the idea of Prime being this all seeing entity

No one can sneak up to him, even if his main eyes are closed... well, unless u try to come up from the left :p

7. Blink-blink

I said Prime never blinks with his extra eyes. I was wrong! He does just that in... literally only one episode. And not just blinks - some really weird shit is going on with his extra eyes during Hordak's purification scene. It looks like a nervous tic of some sorts. Nothing like that ever happens again - not in this very episode, not in any others. Why are they suddenly so animated??

Does whatever this is in the pool water hurt his eyes or is Prime just showing his sadistic excitement over his little brother being tortured?

Also, his eyes are only doing that when Prime talks about suffering and "being freed of pain" which is... an interesting reaction (especially if you remember omy previous speculations)

Well, that's all what I could find. Hope you found my HP ramblings interesting :)

[franklespine]

One of my favourite and most devastating moments in supernatural is the scene in s03e07 Fresh Blood:

There is just something so deeply devastating about it that struck me harder than a lot of other emotional moments in this show. For all of Sam's badgering for Dean to drop the tough guy act in not giving a crap if he goes to hell - this is what does it. Sam's confession of following around his big brother Dean for as long as he can remember, trying to be just like him in true little sibling fashion, and so knows him better than anyone else. And Dean is left speechless for a moment because I think he had never once considered himself as something someone else would aspire to be. So much of his life as a kid and young adult was spent trying to impress his father, trying to prove himself and somehow just falling short of the mark every time, that I don't think he realised that to Sam, Dean was his heroic protector that he relied on and put his faith in, not their father.

Sam begging him to let go of the tough soldier role that their father put him in because he can see how much more tortured Dean is because of it right now. Sam begging him to let go of this role and be his brother - because their time to be just brothers could be running out and that's what Sam wants more than anything else. The inevitable loss of Dean as the reason why he should just drop the act and be his brother looms over Sam as, tears in his eyes, he tries desperately to explain why they both need this. And in the end its something he can't even articulate. But Dean seems to understand him anyway and agrees to give up his 'kamikazi' mission (as Sam calls it) of the episode and to just stay inside and protect themselves.

Idk, maybe it's because I'm an older sibling, but if my younger sister ever said something like this to be - I would be destroyed. And this is exactly how younger siblings are growing up too, like I remember my little sister always ordering the same things at cafe's as me, dressing like me, wanting to hang out with my friends and do the same things I did. Of course it annoyed the hell out of me when I was younger, but I also was not made into some kind of child soldier against creatures of the night and come face to face with the horrors to protect my younger sibling's innocence every day, unknowingly feeding into their intense need to belong in this messed up whacko dysfunctional dynamic set up by my father where both me and my younger sibling lose no matter what we do. So what do you know.

But all in all, I love this scene. I think it's one of the first time we really get to hear how Sam sees and cares about Dean as his brother. I mean we see it in many other scenes in his actions and his expressions but this is him truly baring his soul, asking Dean to do the same.

[clawbehavior]

Hello, I hope you are having a lovely day/night 💞🌷🏵️🍵

For the ao3 wrapped:

11,12,15,18

omg these asks led me on a trip down memory lane and made me so excited for my biggest WIP (which has also been a pain in my ass), so tysm for sending them anon ❤️❤️🙏

11. What work took you the longest to write?

hands down 'everything everywhere all at once', my modern au where gaon drops out of law school when his parents die and falls for their private money lender, kyh, against his better instincts. here's the funny thing: i intended to complete in one one week with 3 chapters published in 3 days!! i started it in January 2023, nearly a year ago. 

i love this story so much. i wanted to write a gentle kyh for gaon so badly, but that's difficult to do for canon unless i wrote them post-canon. so i made an angsty au. this story was also my first true foray into FF writing on a03 years and years after i had put content creation aside, and the story ended up becoming a gateway to a totally new side of TDJ fandom. people share so many beautiful ideas about the lawful family in their story comments that fic writing feels like a rich conversation. so many times i have written gahan one way to read somebody's thoughts in the comments and go ahhhh i didn't even think of that. hearing people's perspectives has been such a rewarding and crucial piece of writing bc i am a person who works best when sounding ideas off another. 

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

straight for the heart, lmao. i have three, all 95 per cent ready for publication, in that the story is fully written out and the dialogue is completely polished in some areas but i am missing a key part that's critical for bringing the story together. it's too clunky basically. 

for example, when i was writing 'i hope you are lonely' the sex tape fic, i had everything written except a single scene: i couldn't figure out how gaon publicly responded to the tape. this was a crucial part of the story because his emotion would set the tone for how comfortable he felt expressing sexual desire for yohan and thus the progression of their relationship. was he hurt and afraid? angry and sexually frustrated? wanting revenge or to move on? and how did all those emotions shape what he asked yohan for, a man who would give him whatever he wanted. so this nearly complete draft was sitting in my GD for weeks until a reader asked me when i was updating and while i was typing out everything above just how i wrote it for you some part of my brain suddenly woke up and came up with a solution. i published the fic the next day. 

all this to say that the 3 stories i have lined up for publication are experiencing the same thing. basically polished except for oooooone thing. i need to tease out what a character feels about a specific event to successfully build the tension until it ratchets up to unbearable levels and needs to be released right the fuck now, i.e. theyre going to talk about it or fuck it out or whatever. but until that piece comes to me....these fics remain in the drafts. who knows tho, maybe after this a03 wrapped my ADHD brain will pop back in and do it's darned job. 

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

all of them! i don't publish a multi chap unless i have the ending written. otherwise it stays a oneshot. rn i am excited for i hope you are lonely, elevator troubles, and everything everywhere all at once.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

isaac! i actually didn't realize this until you asked me in concrete terms, so thanks for helping me articulate the writing block i am having. it's the kang isaac in my money lender au. he does something that has significant consequences but needs plausible deniability for the story to work. i can't nail down why he does it tho. he meddles, and he's foolish and he causes trouble but not vindictively or deliberately. his heart is in the right place, but how do i write him without overly abusing the trope of the good guy who bumbled his way into something wrong? now that i'm asking myself this specific question, i may come up with an answer. 

thinking through this was loads of fun and a perfect way to spend lunch break pfft. you have yourself a good weekend 🎉🎉🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳

[writer-and-artist27]

11 Questions Writer Ask Game

Got tagged by @windwardstar.

(ｏ＿　＿)ｏ Thankie, Osie. Beloved friend. I'll do my best.

Rules: Answer the 11 questions of the person who tagged you, make up 11 questions, then tag 11 people to answer them.

1. How is your writing going right now?

Right now, I feel like I'm in a funk. I'm able to write things if it's to help others, but when it comes to my own writing for myself, it's mostly... well, dead at the moment. I think it's from the recent family death that my writing's slowed down. I want to hope the unconscious grief can pass.

2. Give me a song that gives you vibes for your wip? (If too hard, just a song you've been listening to a lot lately. This is literally just me trying to get new music to listen to and your excuse to ramble about writing stuff.)

The Things You Mustn't Avert Your Gaze From and Hitorime no Tomodachi Ni, or in English, "My First Friend" for all my WIPs. Because they capture the soft feelings I try to write for in the first place, to illuminate the dark.

3. Do you have any headcanons for your wips that you can't/won't include for some reason? (If do, why?)

I... think I have a couple. And those are because of (1) lack of energy to write them, (2) they cover territory I have yet to experience in life, and (3) I'm honestly concerned I'd start crying if I write them because of how emotionally invested I get into writing in the first place for specific characters.

4. What's a scene/character/plot/thing you're excited to get to write in your wip?

When I do go back to S&S and CP and Naruto stuff? A lot of things post-Kannabi. Including Team Minato being kids. They deserve more time to have fun as kids.

For Fate/Passing Days stuff? Including some of the older memories I've had from playing the game, such as bonding with older Servants through Tumblr bond level stories again, or even when I Grailed specific Servants (looking at Shiki, Musashi, Skadi, Melt, and Astarte, especially). Even more character-driven, Bond 10 specific chapters when I have the energy for them.

5. Is there anything you have to make a specific pass in editing for?

By "pass", do you mean "excuse"/"look the other way"? Because if so, it's definitely repeating/filler words for me. I know I use a lot of "only," "sometimes," and the like in my first drafts, and when writing the first draft of a scene out from my head, I've been trying to forgive myself more in not having more detail-oriented words to get the thoughts out.

6. How many rounds of editing do you usually do?

1-2. Basically first one being while I write it or right after I finish the chapter. Second being if I allow myself to sleep on the doc and come back to it the next day. Or that second round is me actually reading the published version on AO3 to check for typos and the like.

7. Biggest challenge(s) with writing (in story or out of it)?

My main thing's really all out of writing for me: Just trying to find the right words to articulate what I see in my head. Because imagining any kind of scenes playing out like anime isn't always easy to write out. Fight scenes are the worst offender. Same thing with emotional stuff, at least to a smaller extent.

8. How do you utilize your non-writing writing time?

Reading manga/light novels, as well as rereading previous source material to keep the ideas fresh. I even make it a personal policy to take three books with me in my purse on my work days so I can read/refresh on my breaks.

9. How do you personally define a good or bad day of writing for yourself? / what does it take to feel like you've made decent progress?

A good day of writing for me is writing more than just a few words/sentences. A bad day would be if I'm unable to come up with anything and just sit there, staring at the same words and wondering how to continue.

10. Do you write in discrete units of time/schedule or is it just whenever you have time?

It's just when I have the time. Since I take the trolley to and back from work (which is about one hour and 20 min one way already), I've been trying to write more during those moments when I can.

11. What are your current wips? (+ short description if u want)

Civilian Pianist (CP) - Currently on idea hiatus, but wishing to go back.

The Sea and Stars (S&S) - Also on idea hiatus, because fight scenes.

Passing Days (Fate) - Ongoing, just slow updates (about once a month) due to energy and some things in FGO hitting worse than others. Some part of the fanbase is definitely a big factor. Had to let go of some friends and be civilly distant with others with how big and picky the fandom is. Can count on one-two hands the number of people I can share my ideas with without worrying about backlash or anything.

---------------------------

My questions:

What is one habit you picked up in your daily life because of writing?

What's your ideal writing space? (Desk? Out in nature? Just curious.)

What's the topic you've had to do the most research in to write?

What's a concept you liked at first when seeing it in consumed media, but found yourself not liking when trying to write it later on?

Have dreams inspired you before?

What's one piece of a positive review that someone gave you that actually stood out to you?

Any concepts you'd like to try your hand at in writing?

What's the easiest genre to write for?

How do you handle writer's block?

What's the word count on your longest story? How did that happen?

Who was your first writing inspiration? What about them (or it if said inspiration isn't a person) inspired you?

---------------------------

Tagging: @partialdignity, @abalisk, @teddog, and anyone else who'd like to try this? Only for fun, though.

o(_ _o)ノ☆ Now to bed with me because it's 10:02 pm when I post this.

[alexadotdoingstuff]

Gabi Gamberg Interview (August 2020)

This is a repost of an interview from August 2020 with Gabi that was featured on the now unavailable zine website known as FLIP Media.

Gabi Gamberg is a young musician from Pennsylvania; however, she frequents the Maplewood/ South Orange (MAPSO) area in New Jersey where she plays many shows with her band, as well as spends time in the studio recording with friends. With her pure talent and beautiful songs, she’s made a name for herself in the area and talks of how her surroundings affect her music.

What inspires you to make music?

Of course the people I love and my favorite musicians inspire me, but the sole reason I make music is purely selfish. It’s hard to articulate, but it’s the feeling I get when I write something. I find it so satisfying to make something and just kind of rid myself of toxic emotions. I get to say whatever I want in a language that no one but myself really understands, and still get that feeling of release, without giving too much away. It allows me to process whatever may be going on in my life in a very outward way. I spend so much time thinking very inwardly, making noise is a good way to remind myself I’m bigger than just the spot behind my eyes. 

I’m also really interested in the way my music translates to certain people. It can take on a different meaning for everyone that listens to it, and it makes me happy to know that whoever is listening can find pieces of themselves in my music. 

When you’re in a creative block is there something you do to help get over it?

For me, there’s no one good way to get out of a creative block. When I’m experiencing one, I try to channel my energy elsewhere by either focusing on the more technical side of my music (like mixing and recording) or by taking in new information. These are the moments where I spend a lot of time listening to and learning new music, which essentially helps me expand my vocabulary and open me up to new ideas. The worst thing about a creative block is waiting for it to end. I’m lucky I procrastinate because I have plenty of unfinished projects to work on in the interim if I’m unable to write something new. Plus, the next good thing I’m able to create when coming out of a block usually turns out to be one of my best songs. The pent up creative energy can be a gift.

How has being introduced to a heavily musical area like Maplewood/South Orange impacted you?

To be honest, I’m not very fond of the area where I live (Lower Merion, Pennsylvania), because I haven’t really been able to find people who share the same interests as me. So, when I was introduced to the music scene in MAPSO, I was just kind of shocked that a place like that could even exist. Everyone I’ve met there seems to make some type of music or art. Being in an area like that offered me my first real opportunity to collaborate with people, which in turn influenced my writing style. Playing with my band and writing with other people changed the way I think about and write my music. It allows me to envision more than what I can create on my own while also giving me the chance to learn from my friends and the people around me. 

Do you think your surroundings influence your style of music?

I think people influence my style of music more than anything else, which can definitely be a factor of my surroundings. When I think about the music that has influenced my style the most, I can usually pinpoint the person in my life who introduced that genre to me. Having an older brother who had a complete dictatorship over the aux growing up definitely put me on the path to where I am right now. I have proof in the form of the crappy love songs I wrote in 5th grade (that time in my life coincided with my brother’s Adele and Coldplay phases). Of course now I have the ability to listen to my own music and do my own exploring, but I would be lying if I said I discovered all of the artists that helped shape my style on my own. 

Are there people in your life that you know you can go to for advice on your music?

I definitely rely on the people I make music with, Hudson Pollock, Ben Gertner, Gavin McGinn, Max Sundue, and Lawson Saby, to help me with or contribute to the music I make. I’m really so grateful for these people. They teach me so much and I generally just love being around them. I also turn to my older siblings a lot. I look up to them and really value their opinions. Essentially I turn to the people that show interest in what I’m making and people who offer their genuine support. 

Listen To Gabi's Music Here

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Initial 506 Buddie Thoughts

just finished the ep. contains spoilers for 506!!!

this is so long and sort of stream of consciousness but i promise i have points to make. bear with me.

The heart theme is strong in 506. like so loud. and it continues what we’ve gotten in previous eps. what strikes me most is that eddie seems exhausted throughout the ep, mentally and emotionally wiped out. i’ll double back to this thought. 

eddie’s working so hard to protect buck and chris. via the will the two of inseparable. we’ve already seen that eddie thinks of chris as his heart but buck is too by extension.

when mitchell threatens chris, eddie is obviously angry but he shows restraint because he knows what’s up. this situation is volatile and if he pipes up, mitchell could kill him or buck just to prove a point to the other. in a sitch like that you also don’t want to show your hand, don’t want to be too obvious about all the things you care about because the person could use it against you. and that’s just what mitchell did to buck. he saw that buck cared deeply for chris and that he cared more about eddie than himself so in the ambulance mitchell said he’d hurt eddie and chris if buck didn’t leave but buck desperately didn’t want to leave eddie. eddie invoking the will in an unspoken conversation punctuated with buck’s name is the only thing that made him leave. eddie needed buck to be safe for so many damn reasons.

then the ambulance conversation between eddie and mitchell happened. eddie was so clearly aligned with mitchell. on the surface that empathy and connection make no sense but digging deeper i realized that eddie looks more exhausted and warn out than scared this whole time because i think he has given up on himself and on his happiness. he doesn’t feel he deserves to be loved himself, for his own sake. 

like mitchell, eddie’s hurt too many people i.e., chris and shannon by being absent, a*a by continuing their relationship even when he knew it wasn’t working, these are eddie’s equivalent to the triple homicide that landed mitchell in the cage.

like mitchell, eddie is locked down and locked away emotionally, not allowing himself happiness or the full range of emotional expression. 

like mitchell, eddie feels guilty and worthless. a bad father. he inherited a ton of bad behavior from his father and his before him. in eddie’s case it’s all the emotional repression that he inherited. bury the feelings. push them away. just keep moving forward.

like mitchell, eddie’s worried that chris would be like him in that regard, but he’s not. he’s “a happy, open kid ready to share every thought in his head”. eddie doesn’t want chris is the same emotional cage he’s in. he doesn’t want chris to be like him.

then mitchell sacrificed himself so that he could give his heart to his son. since before eddie got shot he’s been focused on chris. but since he was shot and since he broke up with a*a, it feels like he’s shot himself figuratively. like he’s distant from buck in an important way that neither of them can fully articulate. remember buck noted that “eddie’s weird” lately. maybe it wasn’t his imagination. it may be subtle but it’s there and who’s more likely to notice than buck.

when mitchell hits the ground eddie is keeping his heart pumping. that whole conversation between buck and eddie felt so important. eddie says something like ”he’s dead but his heart isn’t” and eddie begs buck to help him keep mitchell’s heart beating. and buck does. buck gets the crash team and tells them to prep the OR. in that scene, if we accept mitchell and eddie as parallel. eddie is already dead inside but his heart isn’t. buck doesn’t see it that way. buck sees eddie. sees that has survived physically and can survive emotionally. sees that he can be happy. eddie just sees the exhaustion created by repressing his emotions, rather than the hope and potential for growth.

the wild part is that eddie feels dead inside but the heart can survive. chris can survive, so he gave chris to buck via the will. i think buck is exactly the kind of open, emotionally expressive, and good man that eddie wants chris to be. eddie gave his heart to buck. because buck is the kind of man emotionally that eddie needs to become and wants chris to become. we can also say that eddie gave his heart to chris too when he gave him buck via the will. they get to live and to be happy, even though eddie has accepted that he himself is dead inside. buck and chris don’t have to be. they can be fully emotional and express who they are freely. when eddie thinks heart, he thinks about BOTH of them, not himself. this is why eddie is still in buck’s life but also pushing him away. “weird” right!!

eddie’s conversation with savanna (nolan’s mother and mitchell’s ex) was also wild af. eddie is totally talking about himself the whole time! savanna is echoing sh*nnon to a degree or at least the version of her voice that lives in his head. eddie imagines she tried to shield chris from his absence, tried to protect chris from eddie’s mistakes. also, he talks to savanna in the hospital about taking responsibility for his/mitchell’s bad choices. “you loved him even if he wasn’t worth loving. but that’s on mitchell. whatever bad choices he made they’re his.” eddie doesn’t feel good enough for chris or buck on his own, but connecting chris to buck and vice versa does feel right. he may be “dead” but they live. it’s made literal through the will but it’s really a huge heart metaphor that the show is developing more fully through this season/episode.

i have more to say but i’ll write more (coherently) later. im gonna go to bed now. it’s like 3:45 in the morning where i am.

[sakura-83]

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 6: Remorse Is the Poison of Life

1. Diana having to run through the dark with nothing but a lantern and quite reasonably tripping. I never really thought about how dark it would actually be out because there’s always light.., somewhere in a modern city. It’s dark but you can usually still see

2. Every time Anne and Diana are separated they end up reunited during some great tragedy and are like “I missed you so much!!” Like yeah that’s great but. Please focus

3. It’s terrifying how easily children could die before modern medicine. They still can die very easily and that’s still terrifying but back then there was no quick fixes or easily accessible help

4. “It’s an old wives tale.” “I might be one but not the other. Evidently one doesn’t have to be either thing to know it.”

5. Anne knowing how to treat croup because all of Mrs. Hammond’s sets of twins had it

6. “I was supposed to be a boy but when I wasn’t, they decided to keep and raise me.” “How extraordinary!”

7. Minnie May almost choking to death on her own phlegm and Anne ultimately saving her because there’s no way the doctor would’ve made it all the way from Soencervale in time

8. “I believe I need a brandy.”

9. It’s really interesting how much of the script comes straight from the book

10. “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are white frosts, aren’t you?”

11. John Blythe’s love for adventure and how Gilbert undoubtedly sees it in Anne

12. Eliza apologizing for how she misjudged Anne

13. “My darling Diana”

14. “I can’t tie myself down to anything so unromantic as dishes at this thrilling moment!”

15. “Even aunt Josephine said she’d like to see you again, and she doesn’t like anyone.”

16. “Shes disinclined to stay home alone since her companion passed away.” “Her companion?” “Her best friend forever and ever.”

17. “Aunt Josephine never married. Neither of them did, they lived with each other their whole lives.” “I’d live with you forever if I could. But I know you’ll leave me the date you get married to some wealthy and handsome gentleman. I hate him already.” “How’s Gilbert?”

18. “It’s very likely Gilbert’s father isn’t going to get well, so it’s more than possible that when Gilbert finally comes back to school… he’ll be an orphan.”

19. The cut from that conversation to John Blythe’s funeral

20. Matthew grabbing Marilla’s arm because he knows how much john meant to her

21. Gilbert watching the snowflakes melt in his hand

22. Marilla’s flashback

23. Young Marilla teasing john

24. Him giving her the same hair ribbon she later gifts to Anne

25. Anne and Gilbert being just like their parents, mirroring their romance and yet achieving the love Marilla and John could never have

26. Anne trying to make Gilbert feel better but making it seem like it’s about her. I often find it hard to articulate my relation to others in a way that does sound like I’m relating and not like I’m making it about me

27. Aunt Josephine on a stroll in the woods

28. Anne’s ranting about her “extensive knowledge of being an orphan”

29. Her calling Gilbert a dumb boy and refusing to think about him

30. “Romance is a pesky business. No sense to be made of it.”

31. “May I enter your humble abode.” About Anne’s run down little shed

32. “I couldn’t be less interested in Gil- that boy!”

33. “Let your ambitions and your aspirations be your guide.” “But I have so many!”

34. “I’ve always wanted to be a bride, but I don’t really expect to be a wife.” “Interesting!” “So you see the conundrum.” “I do. I have the following thoughts to offer. First, you can get married any time in your life, if you choose to do so.” “That’s true-“ “And two, if you choose a career, you can buy a white dress yourself, have it made to order and wear it whenever you want.” “Why didn’t I think of that!? I love that idea! I’m going to be my own woman!” “I’m a proponent for making ones own way in the world.”

35. “If you become a doctor, perhaps you can discover a cure for old age.”

36. Anne calling aunt Josephine her new role model, as well as Marilla and Matthew

37. “I’m going to be the heroine of my own story.”

38. Marilla finding an old letter from John

39. The theme Unrequited Love playing during this scene

40. It’s fascinating when you come to recognize the instrumentals by name, the names actually have a lot of double meanings in relation to the show. Fire in The Town not only plays when there’s an actual fire, but also when Anne’s rumors about prissy set the town ablaze

41. “If the key to a mans heart is through his stomach-“ “Which it is!” “Then, we have to make sure that this is the best shepherds pie that Gilbert has ever had.”

42. Anne wanting a boy to loved for her brain and personality rather than her abilities to keep a home

43. “Don’t you think Gilbert looks even more handsome now that he’s sad?” “I didn’t notice.”

44. I just noticed aunt Josephines mourning clothes, I know she was grieving but I didn’t put two and two together

45. “Take the boy the godforsaken pie before I suffer a mental collapse.”

46. Anne rambling excitedly about Jane Eyre.

47. Anne almost spoiling the book, just like Gertrude used to do

48. Anne suddenly breaking down over death. I’ve done that before, far more frequently in middle school when I realized that we all die someday

49. “It must be awful beyond measure to lose someone that you love deeply. In a split second, a heartbeat, they’re gone forever… and there is nothing you can do to change it or bring them back…”

50. “Anne? You’re crying on the potatoes.”

51. “There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, Ruby. And I’m going to say it because I am.” “You’re just going to make it worse if you say that. His father!! Just died!!!” “That’s what people say when someone dies.” “I don’t want you to upset him.” “He’s already upset because his father just died!”

52. “We hope you like shepherds pie.” “Everyone LIKES shepherds pie 😡. We hope it’s a comfort to you, Gilbert.🥰”

53. Anne telling “but I would make a terrible wife!” And running out.

54. Matthew offering to help Gilbert get his farm back in order

55. Gilbert not wanting to be a farmer but having an entire farm shoved off on him when his only family does, despite being… 14 at most? 15 maybe?

56. Matthew losing all his crops when the Dal Marie sank

57. Billy wanting Gilbert back to control the “ugly orphan” and Gilbert defending Anne

58. “She’s smart, deal with it.”

59. Gilbert telling billy to read a book for once

60. “I’ll give you a tip, okay? I’m not your bud. And if you ever hassle Anne again, you’ll regret it.”

61. “What’s your problem?” “Ask me that again. No, seriously. Go ahead.” “Why you gotta be like that?” “Ask me!” “…what’s your problem?”

62. Gilbert throwing his stuff at billy to preoccupy his hands and THEN punching him straight in his stupid face

63. The boys are fighting!!!! And rolling around in the snow too that’s kind of funny looking

64. Gilbert beating billy in that fight

65. Marilla telling Gilbert about his father

66. All of Gilbert’s siblings died

67. Gilbert’s father taking him to Alberta before he died, where Gilbert was born

68. “You resemble him in many ways.”

69. “He asked you to go?” I’ll always be grateful to him for thinking I’d be brave enough. Obligation… can be a prison.”

70. Anne trying to write a letter to Gilbert apologizing for what she said

71. Anne visiting aunt Josephine for advice and accidentally interrupting her grieving

72. “Emotion is rarely convenient and often intolerable, but I find at the moment that I don’t mind it.”

73. “Grief is the price you pay for live, you see. So it’s alright.”

74. “You and I are not the marrying kind.” “Ah, but I was, in my way. And we had a full and wonderful life together, and I gave no regrets. That’s all you really have to decide Anne, to live a life without regrets.”

75. Anne kissing aunt Josephine on the cheek and running off to live said life

76. No Matthew don’t make that loan deal!!!

77. Anne sprinting to Gilbert’s house bit for the first time of many to come, being too late to reach him.

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

[nagitokomaedapizzasuitarchive]

please talk about syo or komaru or syomaru for the ask game, your takes are always so correct ( ˊ u ` )b

WAAA THANK YOU.. ;; /pos I will do all of them tbh... just give me a minute so I can make them separate posts (this one is so, so long as-is). In the meantime:

Syomaru

[click here for ask game link]

When I started shipping them:

Same time as Tokomaru. Tokosyomaru has always been a package ship 4 me. With that explained; this frame from UDG is what I credit as the straw that broke the camel's back (apologies 4 the yt screenshot I just can't be bothered to try and get a new one myself):

[ID: A YouTube screenshot of the cutscene that occurs after defeating the giant Monokuma final boss of Ultra Despair Girls. Toko Fukawa is holding Komaru Naegi by the waist, who is in-turn holding her megaphone gun in a partially ready position. Toko is to the right of Komaru, and they both have angry expressions on their faces. There is a red background with action lines on both the left and right of Komaru and Toko. End ID]

If I told you Syomaru blogger sho-fukawa spent up until the final boss fight of UDG telling themself they wouldn't ship the Fukawas with Komaru would you believe me? Bc that was my experience AJNDJNKGK-

My thoughts:

Rabies Pride catgirl (Syo) x Rabiosexual (Komaru) /j

UJADNIGNSJK joking aside it's soooo hard to articulate my thoughts on these 2 they're just a massive comfort ship 4 me... They can have such a wonderful, supportive relationship 'nd I like 2 think they lean on each-other a lot when Syo fronts. Soft kisses 'nd cuddles and whatnot. <3

What makes me happy about them:

Projection stuffs primarily? Very much love thoughts abt Syo being protective over Komaru (I have sooo many animation ideas when it comes to that one confrontation scene w/ Nagito I am not kidding I have Syomaru disease), and Komaru bringing out more of Syo than their "serial killer w/ jokes" exterior or w/e I kinda forgor canon. /lh

Oh also and in non-personal thoughts I think this is forever the screenshot of all time:

[ID: A screenshot of Komaru Naegi and Syo Fukawa, taken from the Danganronpa 3 anime. Syo, who is on the right, is holding Komaru's hands up and smiling with their eyes closed to the camera. Komaru seems to be whining, mouth open yet frowning with her eyes closed. End ID.]

What makes me sad about them:

Barely any time together in the source media. I will forever complain about how Syo & Toko's DID in general is just used as a punchline in Danganronpa, and how underutilized & underdeveloped that ends up leaving Syo. Also correct me if I'm wrong (it's been a minute since I've played through UDG), but that also leads Komaru to be written as not rlly distinguishing between Syo or Toko. :( TLDR: I haven't and never will trust the writers. <3

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Poor Syo writing 10000%, usually when people stick wayyyy too much to the "hyperactive serial killer" part of it. I don't have strong opinions on Syo being written still as a murderer like in canon, some people don't want to rewrite the canon whatever that's probably just a me-preference (if interested I can make a post talking abt my Syo headcanon thoughts later since I don't think I've ever talked abt it), but it is soooo annoying when people still leave them one-dimensional. I don't caareee if you think 1000 lines of "KYEHEHEHE" is in character you literally are not writing them with any emotions they're a flat cardboard stand that's spouting profanities. PLEASE just write Syo more like an actual individual.

Things I look for in fanfic:

If the last bullet point didn't make it obvious; good Syo writing. In general I'm not too picky with fanfic? I avoid coffee shop AUs & such and try to find works that aren't 200 words written out of character (no shade 2 new fanfic authors it's just hard 2 read), but that's not rlly specific to Syomaru. If I had to pick at my own interests: Stuff where they're protecting or caring for eachother in Towa City. Lot of material you can get out of that + I'm a sucker for one character being protective over another in a tense situation.

ALSO write Syo being soft or purring I am holding fanfic authors at gunpoint. /j But seriously Syo is all bark and no bite; they can dish out joking aggression and still be soft.

My wishlist:

No clue what OP meant with this bullet point tbh AJSDNJKSFGN. Oooo I need Syomaru plushies ooooo- /hj

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Not Men™. Also I am very much uncomfortable with Syo x So//nia personally. Other than that I don't have many strong feelings.

Picking from my polyship w/ them, my alternatives would be Syo x Kyoko and Komaru x Miu x Kaede ??? Komaru's is much more "I have no reason for this other than I think it sounds super cool" but I am a secret sucker for Toko/ Syo x Kyoko, I think it could be an interesting dynamic depending on how you play it out. A win for nblw everywhere.

My happily ever after for them:

(Post-Despair) Komaru helps Syo get a more positive relationship with the other survivors of THH, also very-specifically helping Syo be on more amicable terms w/ Byakuya and Nagito, two people who they're probably not gonna ever fully be alright around. Syo & Komaru mostly just live on their own: maybe being visited a lot by Makoto & Kyoko (this thought lying in a Naegiri universe) and potential children those two might have after the world settles to more of a normal; allowing Syo another close bond with someone. Ignoring whatever work they may have, they would mostly spend their days with each other, cuddling in silence or trying to work on some sort of project together. Sometimes Komaru will leave Syo home alone so she can visit Makoto, but she usually will bring Syo with if possible since Syo doesn't get to front as frequently as Toko. I hope that all makes sense.

[effervescentdragon]

Another Therapy Session For Me or Thanks, Taylor, You're The Woman

okay so i need to get this out. taylor swift put out all too well 10 min version yesterday, and i watched the short film the moment i woke up and i have something to say

first of all, the song hits on so many different levels, like, the gaslighting of my previous relationship, oh my god. that part with his friends, and how she straightened her hair and wore red lipstick, fuck, i did that. i read everything there was about this 'straight edge' crap his bandmates were into, and i listened to this awful fucking screaming music so that i woyld have something to discuss with them when i was inevitably pulled into their little fucked up band circle. and fuck, im not that into music, im always more into lyrics, but my interests didnt matter. and when i commented on their casual misogyny and how one of his bandmates used to cheat on his wife whenever they went away for a gig, and everyone knew it, i got told that its not like that and i was misinterpreting it and that it was stupid and unimportant, implying that me and my feelings and thoughts were also stupid and unimportant. and my ex was only 2yrs older than me, but his friends were like 6-10 yrs older than that, and it just made me feel so fucking awful.

this song brought back so many memories that i only now realize are so fucked up. girls are always put in these patriarchal structures where its expected of us to seek approval from men who are older and hence depicted as wiser, and that is just such fucking bullshit. (ofc, trans and non-binary people are also put in these kinds of power structure struggles, but here im talking from my perspective as a cis woman who is attracted to men). its like, your worth increases if you get approval from these 'cool older smart dudes', but when time passes, you realize that those dudes are literally fucking wankers with emotional range of a teaspoon who in a way prey on impressionable, younger girls, because in most cases women their age would expect them to, you know. have a job or something, and not spend their days pretending they're metallica in their seventh-rate glorified boy band, but for Real Men and playing Real Music, whatever the fuck that even means.

other point was, that kissing scene between sadie and dylan. holy fuck did that make me uncomfortable, and it took me some time to figure out why, and then i remembered. when i was 17 i had this friend who was some 8 yrs older than me. he was smart, and cool, and seemed like he had life figured out, and we spent ages talking abt politics and philosophy and fantasy (he got me into asoiaf) and i wasnt always as oblivious to romantic stuff as i am now, so i always felt there was some intent there, but something always held me back. i kept telling myself "oh ur so shallow, he may not be the handsomest guy around, but you should give him a chance despite that, bcs hes really nice and kind and smart". and holy fucking god how fucked up is that?! that is fucking patriarchal gaslighting at its fucking WORST, bcs now i realize that wasnt me being shallow. that was me being uncomfortable, the same kind of uncomfortable i felt while i watched that scene and that i felt when he kissed me that one time and i turned away real quick and kinda ghosted him before ghosting was a thing. it was the unconfortable which comes from a twenty six year old man kissing a seventeen year old girl. fuck. just, fucking hell, i didnt even realize how messed up that was, and still is. so like, kudos to my internal alarm going off and not engaging in that kind of relationship. what i think also helped is that my friend at that time 18 was in a relationship with this 29yo dude, and i could feel red flags all throughout that relationship even if i couldnt articulate them, because of whom she turned down a scholarship for oxford and stayed in our shitty little town in the middle of nowhere, only to break up when she was 21. probably too old for him.

so basically i wanna say thanks taylor, for putfing all this into perspective for me. i havent stopped listening to the song for these past two days, and it really, really helps knowing that im not the only one.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

 -you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality. 

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime. 

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that. 

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances. 

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted. 

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile. 

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy. 

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche. 

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed. 

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms). 

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him. 

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does. 

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene: 

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff. 

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention. 

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?