#Collecting Strays

[youdelight-itolerate]

This is why he's my best friend. He’s my pal, he’s my boy friend, my rotten soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boy.

(I have 8 cats & 5 dogs, btw 🫣)

[igotbulletproof-insomnia]

Adopting Bangtan 11

01, previous, series

I'm With Me

Kim Seokjin turned the phone screen on and unlocked his phone. It was a useless action, he knew he wouldn’t find anything else but the regular messages; reminders from his caretaker, questions from his brothers, plans to go out with some friends after school on Saturday. Taerim-halmonim thanked him for calling her on her birthday the previous day and offered to meet for dessert when she was back in Seoul. Seokjin frowned at that. It would be great to see his old nanny again, she was the only person who ever seemed to care about him, aside from the teacher he lived with now. But something in Seokjin’s chest had him hesitating. It had been years since he last saw her, and it would be nice to just hug her again. Even so, he just couldn’t bring himself to reply.

Seokjin tapped at the screen for a few minutes and replied to several other messages before sighing. Things just got more complicated the older he got, didn’t it?

*******************

May 10, 2023 Did you greet your family for parent’s day? May 11, 2023 Of course. It would be awkward not to greet my guardian when I see them.

********************

It was his seventh birthday, and all Seokjin had wanted was to see his parents.

Seokjin was a smart kid. His teachers said so, and his nanny halmonim said so, so it had to be true. He understood a lot of things; he understood the importance of brushing his teeth and eating his vegetables. He understood when halmonim could play and when she needed to focus on her work. He understood his brother was much older and had to prioritize his studies over playing. He understood the word priorities. And most importantly, Seokjin understood that his parents had to go to work to earn money so they could keep their home and eat food and everything. He just thought that, maybe, if he was well-behaved and scored well on all of his tests, and asked really nicely, his mom, dad, and brother could sit at the dinner table and eat delicious food and cake. It was the only thing he asked for. Even Kang Taerim, his nanny-not-nanny agreed it was a beautiful wish.

So when Taerim-halmonim showed him her sad face and told him to start eating, alone, Seokjin nearly shouted in anger. Instead, he shoved food into his mouth until his feelings overwhelmed him. He ran away, crying, to hide where the space between his dresser and bedroom wall could hug him as tightly as he wanted his mom to.

Over and over and over and over, all Seokjin wanted was to see his parents. He missed his brother. Did they even remember he was here? He just wanted them here.

Oh, sweetheart, Taerim-halmonim spoke from the other end of the dresser. Seokjin wiped his tears on his arm and looked up. She sat cross-legged on the floor, a gentle smile on her face. Not for the first time, Seokjin wished that she was his mom instead of his parents’ house keeper. I know it hurts so, so much. But you still have halmonim, don’t you? She opened her arms, inviting him for a hug.

Things will get better one day, she said later, when Seokjin’s head was tucked in the crook of her neck and her shoulder thoroughly soaked with tears. I promise you, it will.

And if halmonim said it, it had to be true.

********************

November 22, 2023 It’s your parent’s anniversary soon. Don’t you think you should visit them?

********************

Home was chaos as usual. Namjoon walked the little ones home today, while Yoongi and Hoseok attended the local hagwon. It wasn’t great by any means, not like the one Seokjin used to attend, but it taught Hoseok dance, and Namjoon music, and Yoongi got to play sports, and Seokjin was improving his math grade, so he supposed it did its job. Jeongguk and Taehyung were making what sounded like a lot of unnecessary noise while they played with their toys, while Jimin sorted lego bricks. It looked like he was preparing another several-day-long project, which might mean a future where their caretaker cried as they spent even more money on even more legos. Jimin often used most of the lego blocks on his projects and refused to take them apart afterwards. The last time one of his creations was forcefully destroyed, he sulked for a week. Their caretaker didn’t normally care about the tantrums and attitudes the seven of them threw around the house -- and there was always someone upset about something -- but everyone in the house usually went out of their way to make Jimin happy. They had spent so much effort getting him comfortable when the twins first joined their family that it was probably a permanent way of life; Make Jimin smile. Indulge Taehyung. Adore Jeongguk. The three of them were probably some of the most spoiled children in all of Korea, and they were all proud to admit it.

Seokjin swiftly greeted the little ones with a hand in their hair, then went to the kitchen table and took a seat beside Namjoon. He unloaded his books from his bag, stole several bites from Namjoon’s bowl of fruit, and began his homework. From where he sat, he could keep an eye on the little ones and stop any fighting before it got a chance to start. He could also continue eating his brother’s food, which was the most important part.

“There’s plenty in the refrigerator, you know,” Namjoon rolled his eyes as he took his bowl back. “It’s cut and portioned and everything.”

“Your point escapes me,” said Seokjin. He smiled and reached for another bite of melon. His arms were long, the bowl wasn't as far away as Namjoon thought it was. “There’s fruit right here in front of me.” He received an eraser to the face for his trouble, but violence was practically a love language in their household.

******************

March 3, 2022 Didn't your brother graduate? You should call him. My phone number hasn't changed. He can call me too.

*******************

This won’t sound very nice, but after that stunt you pulled at dinner last night, I need to level with you. Seokwan’s voice was soft, but the look on his face betrayed his frustration. Their family attended a dinner party the previous night, where Seokjin had lost his temper. Their parents, and had ignored him all night, even while they conversed with the adults and other children Seokjin’s age. It was bad enough they pretended he didn’t exist at home, but then they went out their way to treat him like a handsome and well-behaved doll.

Your expectations are too high. You want the family you see on television, and that doesn’t exist in reality. Seokjin had a few faint memories of playing and laughing with his older brother, but now… well, Seokjin couldn’t say the last time they talked together. Seokwan went away for school, and then attended hagwon over breaks, then holed up in his bedroom when he was home. He was as much a stranger as his parents these days. I’ve been where you are. I’ve wanted what you wanted. And then I grew up. Seokjin, you’re going to start middle school soon. You need to let go of your fantasies. Here, Seokwan handed his brother the gift bag in his hand. Inside was another action figure that Seokjin would never play with. It felt like a bribe. You’re meant to make our family look good. You can’t go around throwing temper tantrums and acting out at your age. It’s embarrassing. And as long as you continue to embarrass them, our parents will never acknowledge you.

The words hurt. They stung his eyes and burned his chest, but they weren’t unexpected. Seokjin already knew all of this, at least a little bit. He loved going to fancy dinners and dressing in adult clothes, but he hated the way his parents treated him. He just wanted to know that they cared about him.

Sometimes, he wondered if they loved him.

What’s this for then? he asked.

You wanted attention. Seokwan explained. This is the most they’re willing to give. But remember, all actions have consequences. Even if you're not the one who receives them.

*******************

August 16, 2018 I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. Please come back I didn’t get to say goodbye I’ll apologize. Just please come back This is for the best, dear. I love you. Don’t give your new housekeeper a hard time. But she won’t be you Things change. It’s okay.

********************

“Kim Seokjin, where are you?” Seonsaengnim’s voice was loud, bordering on shrill, but Seokjin still took his time walking through the house to meet their guardian outside of the kitchen.

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.”

“No, you didn’t, and that’s the point,” they replied. “I have something for you!”

Before the surprise could be revealed, Seokjin heard Jeongguk’s voice begin, “Happy birthday to you!”

“Hey, Jeongguk, it’s not anyone’s birthday today,” Yoongi cut him off. Seokjin gave his guardian a curious look.

“It was your turn to choose dessert the other night,” they said, leading Seokjin to the counter, “but I forgot, and then I didn’t feel like arguing with the kids about it. So, I brought home your favorite to make it up to you. You boys ate dinner already, right?” The cake was rounded and covered in red and white fondant, with strawberry slices creating something like flowers around the edges and skewered on top. It resembled a Mario cap, and brought a smile to Seokjin’s face. “Knuckleheads, back up, Jinnie gets the first piece!”

“I’m not a knucklehead,” argued Taehyung.

“Yes, you are,” said Seonsaengnim. “I said it, so it must be true.”

“You also said I was going to get a good grade on my exam --”

“Kim Namjoon, you would have if you would have gone to bed when I told you, instead of playing games under your blankets.”

“Stop arguing near my cake, you’re gonna ruin the flavor,” Seokjin whined, slapping at Yoongi’s hand when it reached for one of the fruits. Unfortunately, that left the cake open to Hoseok’s greedy fingers instead. “Stop it, I didn’t even get to take a picture!”

“Hurry up before we take it all then,” Namjoon teased, snatching up another berry.

“I hate all of you. Just so that you know.”

“Seonsaengnim, Jinnie-hyung said mean words!” screamed Jimin.

“Jinnie-hyung is lying!” yelled Taehyung.

“I just wanted cake, is that so much to ask?” Seokjin whined, watching his brothers steal more of his fruit.

“Choices have consequences,” Seonsaengnim laughed, placing a stack of saucers and a knife beside him. “Next time you want to get adopted, pick a smaller household. And apologize to your younger brothers.”

“Which ones?”

“Take your pick, you probably did something to all of them. I’d start with the twins though.”

********************

March 22, 2019 Kim Seokjin, do not ignore me. Answer your phone when I call you. I’m worried about you. March 23, 2019 Please, tell me you’re okay. I just want to know that you’re safe. March 24, 2019 I’m safe

Where are you?

At home

Your housekeeper hasn’t seen you for weeks. Your food is untouched. Your bed hasn’t been slept in. Don’t lie to me. March 25, 2019 I am at home Just not their home

*******************

Seokjin looked down at the notarized papers in his hands. His heart beat wildly in his chest, both in excitement and fear. He had managed to not just… well, in an effort of transparency, he managed to manipulate both of his parents into giving up their parental rights, and a third into adopting him. It shouldn’t have been so easy. It really, really shouldn’t have been so simple, but his parent’s paid so little attention to him that they didn’t even read the paperwork he gave them, and his teacher was so trusting and careless that Seokjin only had to tell the simplest of white lies to get his way. That was a little concerning, but he imagined there weren’t too many kids willing to… well, in an effort of transparency with himself, willing to commit fraud just to be adopted by their teacher.

But… the four of them looked like they had fun together. Seonsaengnim still looked exhausted, but they still helped the smallest one eat their bingsu while making cute noises, and hugged the older ones and answered all of their questions and smiled and… it was like watching his old nanny -- the nanny fired because of him -- raise three kids who weren’t him. And once that idea crossed his mind…. Seokjin wanted that. He wanted back the guardian his parents took from him.

So he tricked his parents and he lied to his teacher, and did something a little bit illegal, but… well, his parents will never notice. And even if they did… Seokjin didn’t want to go back. And legally, they couldn’t make him. Probably.

Now, all he had to do was convince Seonsaengnim’s kids to adopt him too.

********************

March 25, 2019 Did something happen? Can you answer the phone? March 26, 2019 I know you’re upset with me, but please, please answer. I’m sorry. March 27, 2019 I am so sorry. Please tell me where you are. March 28, 2019 Seokjin, if you’re able please reply. Where are you? March 29, 2019 Seokjin? March 30, 2019 I’m not going back there You can’t make me go back Where are you? You aren’t old enough to live alone. March 31, 2019 I’m safe I’m not alone I promise You won’t even tell me where you are. How is that safe? Halmonim I’m happy. How do I know you are safe in this "home?" You don’t understand how dangerous this is. Go back to your family.

********************

“Seokjin-ah,” his guardian called to him as he exit the bathroom, dressed and cleaned for bed. They were wiping down the kitchen surfaces, the dishes clean and drying in the rack. The other boys were in bed already, but Seokjin had planned to stay awake to study for another hour or two. Seokjin stood in the threshold now, watching his guardian work.

“I’ve been meaning to check in with you,” they said. “Is everything okay? You’ve been a little withdrawn lately.”

Seokjin smiled ruefully. He thought he’d done a better job at hiding his mental state, but maybe he overestimated his acting skills. “I’m a little worried about my grades,” he said. “I want to get a scholarship for a really good high school, but I can’t exactly do that if I don’t score well on my exams.

“If you were worried about your grades, you’d be whining about it,” Saem replied. “Try another lie. Or the truth. The truth is preferable.”

Seokjin hadn’t exactly lied. He did want to get a scholarship to a good high school, and he was worried about his exams, but he was also confident that he would be successful. At the very least, he had a backup plan, so no, Seokjin wasn’t exactly being honest. “I feel sick?”

“I don’t think you’ve matured that much in the past several months.”

Seokjin chuckled at that response. He could be more obnoxious and demanding than the little ones when he was sick, so he searched his brain for another, more believable story. It wasn’t that Seokjin didn’t trust his guardian. He trusted them to keep him safe and fed and clothed and sheltered, and he trusted them to be honest and fair. He trusted his guardian to treat him like a person, even when they lost their temper with him. He trusted his guardian to love him unconditionally. And Seokjin loved them in return. Part of that love meant keeping his guardian safe from his secrets.

“I…” Seokjin struggled with his words, unsure how honest he should be. “I’m worried about my old nanny.” That was enough of the truth, he thought. “I may have been in contact with her recently and… well, she’s kind of old. Older than you.”

“I’m going to ignore the old comment and focus on your nanny. Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” said Seokjin, relieved that his distraction worked. “Just old, like I said. She’s still healthy as far as I know. I just worry.”

“Were you concerned that you can’t go see her?”

“She lives in Busan now,” said Seokjin. “That’s a little far for an after school trip.”

“We could all go during a break, if you'd like,” Seonsaengnim suggested. “The boys have been wanting to see the beach anyway.”

Seokjin frowned. The conversation wasn’t going the way he expected it to, and it was making him uncomfortable. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Kang Taerim. He missed her terribly. He just… Seokjin felt his heart drop in his chest when he realized: he didn’t trust her anymore. Whether he saw her in Seoul or Busan or overseas, Seokjin just didn’t trust his old nanny not to take him back to his parents, and that scared him.

“We can go to Busan,” Seokjin decided. “But I don’t want to see Taerim halmonim. I like our relationship the way it is now.” Even though Seokjin pretended the two of them hadn't grown distant over the years, he had to admit to himself now that the distance was good. He couldn't get kidnapped and taken back home if there was distance.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he said.

"Any particular reasons?"

Seokjin frowned. As well-meaning as his caretaker was, he didn't enjoy their prying. When they pried, Seokjin had to debate whether he should lie or not. He didn't particularly enjoy lying. "A few. I don't want to talk about it."

His caretaker paused in their wiping down the faucet and fixed Seokjin with a hard stare. At this point in their relationship, it was a completely nonverbal argument, where his guardian analyzed his face and body language, while he tried his best to pretend he wasn't hiding anything. Seokjin doubted he was ever as successful as he liked to think he was, but he also appreciated that whatever his guardian found, they likely wouldn't bring it up. Yet.

“Okay," Seonsaengnim agreed slowly."I won't press it if you’re sure. Was that all you were thinking about?” They wrung out their rag and laid it in its place on the sink. Suddenly, all of their attention was focused on Seokjin. “Something tells me that’s not it.”

“That’s…” he considered his feelings, and what he was and wasn’t willing to talk about right now. It felt like something had shifted inside after realizing the uneasy feeling he had when thinking about Taerim halmonim was distrust. “That’s everything I’m willing to think about tonight, I think.”

“Will you come find me if you change your mind?” they asked, opening their arms. Seokjin felt relieved to be offered the hug he needed. He felt awkward about asking for hugs from his guardian when he wanted them. Seonsaengnim must have noticed how desperate he was because they squeezed him tighter than usual, and didn’t let go until Seokjin pulled back. He felt a little more settled inside, even if it still felt like everything had changed.

“I’ll probably come find you for help with math,” he said.

“You’ll fail if you did that, kid,” said his guardian. “I’m an English teacher for a reason.”

In his bedroom, Seokjin stared for a long moment at the textbooks laying on his desk. He really did need to spend an hour or two with his math formulas, or finishing his Korean assignments. It was the smart choice.

Instead, he crawled into bed with Jeongguk. His youngest brother was an excellent cuddler, and Seokjin could really use a teddy bear tonight.

*****************************

Collecting Strays series, previous, first

So, if the formatting is strange, I tried my best; between my outdated Chromebook and the tumblr website, I was fighting for my life. Hopefully, the text conversations came through alright and the timeline of events is clear enough. As always, my inbox is open for suggestions and requests, preferably for this series, but I might be open to other, preferably platonic, BTS requests.

[chahnniesroom]

too close to home

pairing: none (platonic ot8 & female reader)

summary: as the only female of stray kids, you've always felt a little out of place. this comeback, the comments and criticism seem to hit a little too close to home and you start to think that maybe the group is better off without you.

word count: 8.5k

tags/warnings: 9th member au, hurt/comfort, angst, mean fans, anxious thinking, insecurities, overthinking

a/n: this is my first fic for my appreciation event! big thank you to everyone who has supported me and sorry this took so long to post.

special shoutout to @kangaracha who is basically the only reason i was able to finish this fic! she was my biggest cheerleader throughout my writing and if you would like to read an amazing 9th member fic, please please go read queenmaker.

where the heart is collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist

You had known from the start that it would be difficult being in a co-ed group. It was rare, especially in K-pop. But being outnumbered eight to one? It was unheard of.

You had been just as surprised all those years ago, when the company had pulled you into a room and offered you a position in the boy group that they were about to debut.

You had heard about the team that Chan had put together, every trainee had gossiped about how JYPE was trying something new with a self-formed team. You hadn't paid too much attention to it, you were busy enough with preparing for your own evaluations and the possibility of being included in what everybody had thought was a boys group hadn't even crossed your mind.

You had accepted the position almost immediately.

At that point, you had been a trainee for almost three years, but had only been considered for debut less than a handful of times. You knew with each line-up that hadn't worked out, you were closer to being forced to give up on the idea of becoming an idol. If you rejected the offer this time, you might not get another and you had been ready to do anything to achieve your dream. 

Plus, you knew there was a high chance that they'd drop you from the group anyway. The position brought a lot of interest to the group, but you knew the company would be watching closely to determine whether it was worth the risk or not. 

It had been a bit of a rocky start, but now the nine of you were close, you had to be when you spent most of your waking time together. You considered the boys to be your second family and you knew that they felt the same way. 

It was just that there was clearly a difference in the dynamic when you were and weren’t with the group. It wasn’t necessarily bad just… different. The boys never excluded you or made you feel like you weren’t part of the group and you had great individual relationships with each of the members. 

It was inevitable though, you had never shared a dorm with the group, especially earlier in your career when you were less familiar and it would have been entirely unacceptable. You knew that this was the main reason you didn’t feel quite as part of the group, there was just a level of closeness that was formed when you actually lived with someone.

Well, it was that and the nagging guilt because you knew that Chan had hand-picked every member of Stray Kids himself.

Every member except you.

While the members had promised that they were the ones who had the final say, you knew it wasn't quite what they had expected. All of you had been desperate to debut though and even if it wasn't ideal, nobody was going to say anything that might jeopardize this chance.

Still, you could tell that the boys did their best to include you and for the most part, they succeeded. Even early on when things had been a little bit awkward between you, they were fiercely protective. In interviews, they insisted over and over that they wanted you in the group and it had been nice to hear, even if you knew they were just saying it for the cameras. 

They frequently invited you over for dinner or just to hang out, but you couldn't help feeling jealous when it was time for you to leave at the end of each night. It wasn't anything you could change though, so you just tried to appreciate their company while you had it.

So when the company brings up the idea of new dorm arrangements, you're surprised and a bit confused when they don't immediately inform you of where you'll be staying and kick you out of the meeting room. You've never participated in the discussions that the boys have regarding roommates, there has never been any reason to. 

You're shocked by how easily things fall into place, even more so when Chan approaches you, asking if you'd feel comfortable living with him and Jeongin. They assure you that any of the pairings would be happy to have you stay with them though, and that they'd also understand if you preferred to live on your own.

You were hesitant at first. It had been out of the question when you had first debuted. Even if you and the boys had been comfortable with it, which you weren’t, the company would have totally rejected the idea of one girl living with eight boys.

Instead, their solution had been to force you to remain in the trainee dorm even after your debut which meant constantly listening to jealous girls criticize anything and everything about you. It had been exhausting, partly because you were getting used to balancing schedules with practice, but also because you couldn’t find it in yourself to be mad at them. You were all too familiar with the disappointment and frustration that came with watching the people around you succeeding.

You had briefly considered asking about sharing with the boys when the dorms had split in half because you knew you needed to get out of the toxic environment the other girls were creating, but then the company had offered you an apartment to yourself. It had been one of the easiest decisions you had ever made. 

It had been too good to be true, though. The apartment had given you the privacy that you had craved, there were a multitude of issues that almost made you miss being in the trainee dorms. Whether you moved to a new apartment on your own or into one of the dorms with the boys, you knew that it would be an improvement.

You’re curious what living with the boys would be like and honestly, you’re a bit lonely in your current apartment. It only takes a day or two of thinking before you confirm that you’d like to join them.

The moving process is quick too, at least for you. The boys offered to help you move, but you adamantly refused. Your place had been so tiny that you didn't have the space to store many things and you didn't like shopping that much anyway so all of your clothes fit into the couple of large suitcases that you kept under your bed. Since most of the furniture had come with the room, you were able to bring everything over to the new dorm before the boys had even finished packing.

It's hard to settle in at first. You don't have any siblings and have never had to live with boys so it takes some getting used to. Luckily both Chan and Jeongin are quite careful about being respectful of your space. 

It's also a relief that you get to divide up some of the housework that you used to have to do all on your own. Even though it's not too much, it's nice to have more time in your day for other things and the three of you have developed a system that works well and feels natural.

Chan is meticulously clean and although you don't think you're that messy, you’re more careful to keep things in the right place. The worst part is that you know Chan won't complain or nag you if you leave your things around, he just quietly cleans up your messes which makes you feel both touched and a bit guilty.

You have no regrets about moving in with them, especially when you start to get more busy. It's nice to be living with people who have the same or similar schedules to you so you don't have to worry about losing track of time and being late to things. 

Not only that, but you feel like you have more support. Jeongin reminds you to eat regular meals and Chan checks in when he notices that you're up later than usual. The three of you chat more than you did before and now have a number of different inside jokes.

You're especially grateful because you can already sense that this comeback is going to be hard on you. It's not the songs that have you concerned, all the recording finished smoothly and you're more than happy with how your parts turned out. You also really like the concept that's being proposed for the cover art and all the music videos.

It's the dance that's the problem.

As a trainee, you had always excelled in dancing and had actually had been assigned the role of main dancer in some of the girl groups that you were considered for. It made it especially hard to come to terms with the fact that when you had joined Stray Kids, you weren't even included in the dance line. You knew that your singing was nice and your voice added diversity to the group, but it had never been what you were most confident in and you felt inadequate compared to Seungmin and Jeongin.

But when it comes to this title track, it's especially obvious why you're not considered as one of the lead dancers. By lunchtime, everyone has memorized the moves, you included, but the choreography is definitely more suited for male dancers. No matter how much you focus on trying to match the style of everyone else, you're sticking out like a sore thumb. 

Most of the members take a short break for lunch, but you're determined to keep practicing and Minho is willing to coach you through the parts that you're struggling with the most. On a technical level, you're hitting most of the moves, but you still haven't been able to do a runthrough that doesn't elicit at least a few corrections. You can tell that Minho is running out of patience and you're even more frustrated than he is.

Luckily the rest of practice is working on the different formations and angles for filming the music video, dance practice, and future performances. The details are less important and everyone is mainly focused on not crashing into each other.

You try to sneak in as many solo practice sessions as you can, but by the time filming for the dance practice rolls around, you’re still not feeling confident. In fact, you’ve been dreading the schedule for days and you feel a little queasy every time you think about it. It's far from your first dance practice filming, but something about this one just feels more daunting.

The morning of filming, you force yourself to eat a decent breakfast, knowing that skipping it would just make dancing more difficult for yourself. Chan had woken up early to prepare a simple meal while you and Jeongin had helped set the table and clean up afterwards. You're a bit more jittery than usual and you're pretty sure both of the boys have noticed, but they don't comment which you appreciate.

Everyone goes through hair and makeup fairly quickly, there's no elaborate outfits and crazy makeup for a more casual video like this. Your bad feeling for today just worsens when you see that while the rest of the boys are in their usual loose fitting sweats and shirts, you've been given a tight fitting outfit that reveals a bit more of your midriff than you usually like to show off. Even though you can't deny that it's a flattering look, it just makes you self conscious, feeling like you stood out even more than you usually did standing beside the guys.

Determined to power through filming, you warm up as quickly as you can so that you can spend as much time as possible reviewing the moves with the rest of the boys before the crew finishes setting up.

Your stomach is a flurry of butterflies as you get in position to start filming, even though you know that usually the first try is a throwaway. Not only is this the first time filming for the day, but the group hasn't actually done a performance of your new single, only practices.

You monitor the recording carefully. There's a few things to improve with the camera angles and position, that was to be expected, but you still have the nagging feeling that something about your dancing doesn't match the rest of the group.

You try to make your movements bigger in the next run through, while still looking natural and staying in time with the music. It's not quite right though and each time you try again, there's more and more things that you're unhappy with.

You can tell the rest of the group isn't pleased with how things are going either. You've been doing this long enough that these dance practices usually only take a couple hours to record, but now it's been at least three and none of the takes have even been considered as a keeper. A few times you haven't even been able to make it to the end of the song before someone messes up.

Your choreographer is in the back of the room and although he hasn't explicitly called you out, you can feel his gaze on you the longer this takes. 

“Come on guys,” Minho complains after a short break. “Focus! Let's get it done this time.” You watch as his eyes flicker towards where you're standing for the faintest of moments as he says it. It feels like a blow to the stomach.

You hate disappointing people, you're only human after all, but something feels even worse when you know it's the other members that you're letting down. Especially when it comes to dance, because you've always wanted to impress Minho and his notoriously high standards. The guilt sits heavy in your stomach as you push through your growing fatigue and take your position in front of the camera again.

As soon as both the director and choreographer announce that you're finished for the day, almost everybody collapses on the spot. One-takes are always the most exhausting and everybody has to focus on keeping their movements sharp because it's extremely obvious when you aren't in sync.

You, on the other hand, make your way to the screens where they're showing the playback. Sweat is dripping from your neck and forehead and you absent-mindedly swipe it away as you watch. Someone drapes a small towel over your head and you look over to see that Minho and Hyunjin have crowded behind you to take a look.

“It's good,” one of the managers comments.

Instead of agreeing, Minho hums noncommittally. You feel yourself tense up.

“What?” the manager asks. “Don't tell me you want to do it again.”

“No, no, it's fine.” Minho says mildly. 

“We can do another take,” the director offers. From behind him, one of the camera people groans quietly. You try not to wince at the sound and only partially succeed.

“I think this is the best we're going to get,” Minho replies, before he turns and walks back to where his things are, effectively ending the discussion.

“Sorry for making everyone stay late,” you say quietly, bowing quickly before trailing after Minho. Hyunjin eyes you weirdly as he keeps pace.

“Why'd you say that?” he asks as he packs his bag.

“I felt bad that they had to stay so long,” you say, confused. “We normally tell them that if filming goes over.”

“No.” Hyunjin pauses his movement to study you. You can't help but shrink away, feeling a bit like a bug under a microscope “We normally thank them for their hard work. You made it sound like it was your fault.”

“It's just been a long morning,” you deflect. “Are you heading back to the dorms now?”

“Yeah.” He runs a hand through his wet hair, flicking sweat everywhere. “Have to shower and I have a bit of time before my vocal lesson. Want to head back together?”

“You go ahead first,” you reassure him. “I have a couple things left to do at the company so I'll stick around for a bit longer.”

“Sure. If you're finished early, feel free to drop by. We can have dinner or something together,” Hyunjin offers.

“Sounds good! I don't know if I'll have time, but I'll definitely see I can join,” you promise.

Lying always leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but you know there's no way you're going to sacrifice time that you could be using to improve the dance just to hang out.

You stay late in the studio that night. Your only other schedule for the day is fittings for the music video and all the music shows, which finishes pretty quickly. Since you don't have much of an appetite anyway, you choose to skip Hyunjin’s dinner offer to continue practicing more. You had asked one of the managers to send you a copy of the dance practice and each time you replay it, the pit in your stomach seems to grow.

You lose track of time, picking apart each and every move to try and figure out what you're doing wrong. It's not until Minho knocks on the door and enters, startling you in the middle of yet another runthrough, that you realise how long you've been practicing.

“You still have so much energy?” Minho calls out as he walks closer to you.

“Just had a few things I wanted to fix up before I went home,” you explain in between breaths. 

“And?”

“And what?” you ask.

“Did you fix them?” he replies, raising an eyebrow as he scans your sweaty form and the empty room. “Have you been practicing this whole time? You've been here so long that even Channie-hyung went home. He asked me if you were at our place.”

“What? I-”

“It's almost 2am,” he says gently. “It's time to go home.”

“Can I do one more run through?” you ask sheepishly. “Actually, it’s good that you’re here, I just want to make sure-”

“You've been practicing long enough.” Minho's voice turns stern and he grabs your hand to lead you to the couch to sit. “Did you even eat?”

“I wasn't hungry,” you say quietly.

“Y/n-ah,” Minho scolds you. “You need to fuel your body if you're going to work it so hard, you know we've talked about this.”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to practice more,” you say, staring down at your hands. You’re not allowed to pick at your nails since you just got them done, so you settle for fidgeting with one of the rings that you’re wearing. The sharp edges of the gemstones prick at your fingers but you can’t get yourself to stop. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just couldn’t get the dance right today. We had to film it so many times.”

“What are you talking about, Y/n-ah?” Minho asks, bewildered. “We weren’t- you weren’t the reason we had to redo the dance so many times.”

You look up at him finally and don’t see any of the annoyance that you were expecting. The concern and genuine confusion that you find instead catches you off guard.

“What? But- On our fourth take during the second chorus, my legwork was so sloppy compared-”

“Hannie literally forgot which direction we were supposed to move and he almost knocked into me,” Minho interrupts. “There was no way we were going to be able to use the footage, that’s why we stopped early.”

“Oh, I didn’t notice.”

Minho taps a finger to his lips, deep in thought.

“Fifth take, well that was my fault, so we're not going to talk about that. Sixth try, Yongbokkie and Innie both missed a cue and crouched later than everybody else, that one made me want to pull out my hair.” He shakes his head.

“That’s when we took a break,” you realise.

“Yeah, we were hoping it would help us have a clean run. Jinnie had sweated through his makeup and needed touch-ups anyway.”

“I thought you guys were annoyed at me,” you say in a small voice. “You didn't seem happy with the final video.”

“It wasn't my best take,” Minho admits. “I kind of wanted to do it again, but I didn't want you guys to have to stay even later.”

“Did you even see yourself?” You reach for your phone and unlock it to show the paused dance practice video. “Look, I've been trying to copy how fluid you moved in this part. See there? I looked so stiff compared to you, it's awful.”

“Y/n-ah,” Minho says carefully. 

“And look at this move,” you say, skipping ahead a couple seconds. “I couldn't quite-”

You cut yourself off mid-sentence when Minho leans forward to pluck your phone our of your hands and throw it off to the side. You don't even fight him, just stare with wide eyes, scared of what he's going to say next. 

“You were fine, you did well. But even if you did mess up, it's okay. This dance is tiring, it's challenging. We all have bad days and it's okay to make mistakes.”

When you don’t say anything in response, he slowly moves closer and envelops you in a tight hug. You sniffle a little bit and when he starts to rub slow but firm circles onto your back, you can't stop the few tears that escape.

“Hey, what's going through your mind, huh?” he asks in a low voice. “Why are you being so hard on yourself?”

“I just don't want to let you guys down,” you say.

“Y/n-ah, you're not letting us down if we have to do a few more takes on a dance practice,” Minho says incredulously. “Is that all that's been worrying you?”

“Yeah,” you lie. “I was just nervous about filming the dance and disappointed when it didn't go like I wanted it to.”

“Silly girl,” Minho says, ruffling your hair affectionately. “You're doing just fine. It's okay to be nervous, but you don't have to be pushing yourself so hard. Come on, it's time to go home, we have an early schedule tomorrow.”

You follow him meekly as he leads you out of the building and to where a driver is waiting to take you back to your dorm. Even though you feel a bit better knowing that you weren't the cause of the schedule overruns, you're still not satisfied with how you're dancing, but you know that it's pointless to pick a fight. Not only is Minho just as stubborn as you, he's not afraid to bring in reinforcements and you'd hate for the rest of the group to catch on to how you've been spending most of your free time. They already have enough to worry about, the last thing you want is to add to that.

Moving forward, you don't stop practicing, but you do take more care to try and pretend that it's not eating up all your free time. You stop using your favourite studio, you know the dance so well that most of the time you don't even have music playing, and you make sure not to stay out late enough that it's noticeable.

You start to feel a little silly with how much time you've devoted to this, significantly more than the rest of the members, especially when the music video filming goes by without a hitch. By the time the Studio Choom video is filmed, you're a lot more confident about the performance and even starting to enjoy yourself.

The rest of the preparations for the comeback start to fly by, especially after the album announcement goes live. There's not a day that goes by that's not filled with different photoshoots or interviews.

Before you know it, the album is released and even though your schedule is absolutely packed, you spend all your free time reading through comments and reactions. Maybe it was cliche to say, but you really did treasure hearing from Stays and comebacks were always when you felt closest to them.  You especially liked being able to interact with them on a more personal level.

You were almost certain that you were the most active member on Bubble, you liked to send daily updates on what you were doing and reminders to Stay about maintaining their health. It did sting that you were also pretty certain that you had the least subscriptions and likely some of them only stuck around because you thought it was funny to send candid photos of the boys every so often.

You had always looked forward to fan signs the most though. Before you had debuted, you had loved seeing footage of the cute accessories, silly pick-up lines, and heartfelt messages from the fans. Not only that, but it was the only chance to speak to fans in person, even if it was only for a minute or two.

You were immensely grateful for everyone that supported you, but maybe it was your eager anticipation for fan signs that left you feeling so disappointed and empty. You had slowly grown used to Stays ignoring you for the boys, for always being the one that didn't receive any gifts to play with, for having the smallest stack of letters at the end of each event. But somehow you were always hopeful that the next time would be different.

Of course, it wasn't like you resented everybody else in the group. In fact, you were genuinely glad that they were enjoying themselves because they deserved it. They worked hard, were amazing performers and talented at creating music, and as a result, the fans loved them.

You, on the other hand, were just missing something, and it seemed that nothing you could do would change that. You had bounced through different positions, focused on vocals, dance, rap, music production, writing lyrics, and had enjoyed yourself thoroughly the whole time. If only the fans had liked it as much as you.

At least with fan calls, it wasn't as blatantly obvious that you were the least popular, least favourite member of the group. In fact, sometimes you were glad because you knew the boys often had crazy fans who had absurd or cringy requests while most of the time you spoke with someone who was politely feigning their interest.

It's almost funnier when the company sits you all down in the same room for the calls like they do today because you get to witness and subsequently tease the boys for the aegyo and silly poses they're forced to do. It's not like any of you can refuse anything the fans ask you to do, not with the staff breathing down your neck the whole time.

As expected, most of your calls are fairly generic and you're grateful for it. You have easy conversations about the album, which dances are your favourite, and you get to share some stories from the tour that you recently finished. You're maybe halfway through the calls when things start to take a turn for the worst.

“I even think that you would have done great as a solo artist! Are you thinking of releasing any solo music soon?” the girl that you're talking to asks excitedly.

“Oh, thank you.” You smile back even though the innocent question makes your chest ache for some reason. “I- well, solo music-” You take a deep breath to gather your thoughts. “I don't know about the future, but right now I really can't imagine releasing anything other than music as a part of Stray Kids. I love working and performing with the rest of the members and I wouldn't want to change anything.”

It's how you actually feel, but you can't help the way that your eyes dart over to check on the staff member that's supervising your call. You feel a bit better when you see their nod of approval and try to focus on the fan to finish the rest of the conversation.

Thankfully you get a quick break before the next call. You know the fan was probably trying to be encouraging, she had started off the call praising your skills and was probably just curious. Still, there's a voice in your mind that tells you that she'd prefer it if you weren't a member of Stray Kids. Or rather, she'd prefer that Stray Kids didn't have you in it.

You try to bring a positive mindset into your next call, but it's with a Stay that’s decidedly less interested in talking to you. You exchange greetings and make small talk until she seems to get an idea that makes her sit up straight all of a sudden.

“I have a question for you,” she says, eyes glinting in a way that makes you a little nervous, even though you're not sure why.

“Go ahead,” you encourage her because you're mostly feeling a bit relieved that she's finally showing some emotion other than boredom.

“Which of the boys would you say is best in bed?” she asks slyly.

You stare at her dumbly, thinking that you must have misheard her.

“Sorry,” you say, laughing uncomfortably. “I don't- I don't think I understand your question.”

“You heard me,” she scoffs. “What's the point in having you in the group if you're not sleeping with at least some, if not all of them?”

“No, I- It's not like that, I don't-” Flustered, you stare desperately at the staff, hoping they'll step in and end the call. Instead they just motion for you to continue. “I mean, we're close, but not-”

“If you want, you can just tell me your favourites,” she giggles, as if she's just asked you what songs on the album you liked. “It must be either Chan or Jeongin, if you decided to live with them.”

“No!” you exclaim.

“So it's not either of them?” she says, tapping a finger against her lip in thought.

“That's not the kind of relationship we have.”

Mortified, you find that you're tearing up a bit. You've heard the theories before, know that there's a lot of gossip and rumours because you're in a group of men, but you've never been outright accused to your face like this.

From the corner of your blurry field of vision, you see Seungmin wave bye to whoever he's talking to. He must hear the distress in your voice because he glances over, then does a double-take when he sees just how bad you're doing.

“What's going on?” he demands, stalking over. Before the staff can do anything to stop him, he leans forward and disconnects the call without a warning. “Why didn't you do anything, isn't it obvious that something’s wrong?”

“Y/n-ssi was handling it,” the staff member says. “It’s not fair to the fans if you cut a call short without reason.”

“No reason? Do you have eyes?!” Seungmin motions to where you're surreptitiously trying to blot away the tears without smudging your makeup. He's gotten the attention of everyone in the room now, even the members who are still in calls and have to pretend nothing is happening in the background. You can only hope that the phones aren't able to pick up anything being said.

“Min,” you say, voice barely above a whisper as you tug on his sleeve lightly. He glances back at you, eyes softening slightly. “It's okay, I'm fine.”

You're grateful that he's stood up for you, but all the scrutiny is getting a bit overwhelming. You just want to move on and pretend nothing happened because the last thing that you want is for the company to think you're a liability who can't even handle a nosy fan.

Seungmin crouches in front of you and studies you carefully. You're still clutching onto the sleeve of his sweater. You take a deep breath to compose yourself, then give him a watery smile.

“I was just being really sensitive today, I promise,” you plead. “Just let it go.”

He starts to say something, then cuts himself off, eyes watching something happening over your shoulder.

“Let's just take a quick break from the calls,” Chan says evenly. You didn't even notice that he came up being you and is standing behind you protectively. “We'll be back in 10 minutes.”

It's a command, not a suggestion, something that the staff would normally push back against, but for some reason they stay quiet, allowing the nine of you to filter out of the room unimpeded.

Nobody says anything until you find an unoccupied dance studio. Minho is quick to lock the door after you all pile in.

“Hey,” Seungmin says softly from where he's been stuck to your side. “You holding up okay?”

“Yeah, I don't know what happened. I'm fine now,” you say.

“Are you sure?” Felix asks from where he's sitting on your other side.

“Really, it was nothing,” you assure him.

“If you were upset, then it's something,” Seungmin insists. “We promise we won't think it's silly or anything. It's probably something we've all heard before anyway.”

You have to turn away from the way that he's looking at you with his huge, pleading eyes. But the rest of the group is also gathered around, concern lining their faces.

“She implied that the only reason I'm in the group is because I'm sleeping with all you,” you say stiffly, regretting it immediately when you feel both Seungmin and Felix freeze in place. “Which obviously is not true, so it's not a big deal.”

“Y/n, you know that's unacceptable, right?” Chan says slowly, through what sounds like gritted teeth. You finally tear your eyes away from where you've been staring at the patterns that you can see in the grain of the wooden flooring, to see that his jaw is clenched, neck muscles pulled tight. 

“Fans say inappropriate things all the time, it's not like I haven't read things like that before. It comes with the job.” You shrug.

“That doesn't make it okay. This is serious. You shouldn't have to-” Chan cuts himself off when he notices that he's started to raise his voice and just pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Listen, I know. I just- I don't want this to be a big commotion. It sucks, I didn't respond well, whatever, let's move on,” you say. “She's going to post about it online, but in a few days, nobody is going to remember anyway.”

“Hyung, can't we just end the call if they do anything inappropriate?” Changbin complains.

“You know that we can't,” you remind him before anybody else can say anything. “It's part of our contract.”

“I hate these stupid fan calls!” Hyunjin passionately declares from where he's sprawled out on the floor. “Channie-hyung, can we just cancel the rest of them?”

“Don't say that,” you scold him mildly. “You love fan calls the most out of all of us.”

“I love some of them,” he argues back. “But not if that's the way you're going to be treated during them. Plus, if another person asks me to call them mommy then I'm actually going to quit being an idol.”

“Ew, your fans are weird.” Jisung wrinkles his nose in disgust.

“They're your fans too!” Hyunjin shoots back.

“Okay,” Chan claps his hands together a couple times before things devolve further. “Unfortunately, we do have to continue with the rest of the calls and we can't delay things too much. It's time to head back.”

There's a bit of casual chatter as everybody heads back, but you can tell everyone is still feeling a bit tense. Seungmin only releases your hand when he absolutely has to and you squeeze a couple times before you let go to try and reassure him that you're going to be fine.

The second you sit down, a makeup artist descends on you, tutting her tongue when she sees that you've accidentally wiped away some of your eyeshadow. You obediently stay still, watching as Chan approaches your table too, stopping to lean down and say something in the ear of the staff member that has been monitoring you. The blood slowly drains from her face and she nods rapidly in agreement with whatever he tells her. He claps a hand on her shoulder and even though it's a light and friendly gesture, you can see the way she flinches slightly.

You raise an eyebrow when he looks your way and he just smiles innocently in return and makes his way back to his seat. You don't comment, not even when you notice that the staff's fingers are trembling so hard that it takes her a couple tries to connect you to the next call. You know that it's not her fault, she's just following instructions from the company after all, but you're not feeling very sympathetic at the moment.

Instead, you just try to focus and take on an upbeat persona in the hopes that nobody realises how upset you truly feel. You're hurt and a bit wary of what the fans might do next, but you don't want to take it out on the people who haven’t done anything to you yet.

Fortunately, the rest of the calls are rather uneventful and you leave the company feeling drained, but not as terrible as you had expected.

You spend the rest of the day thinking about what you could have done differently, how you could have handled the call more gracefully, what kind of answer you should give if something similar ever happens again. But no matter what, you just get stuck pitifully thinking to yourself that it's not fair, you shouldn't have to deal with these kinds of questions in the first case. You're sure the company will give you a briefing and some scripted lines tomorrow anyway, so it's probably for the best that you just try to pretend nothing happened at all.

That evening, you try your best to avoid social media, but you knew that some of the other boys had seen videos based on the stormy expression on Jeongin's usually smiley face when you got home and the way that Chan comes back from the gym with more bruises than usual from his boxing session with Minho and Changbin.

They never say anything, but they have been extra careful around you. Chan has brought home your favourite takeout without you asking and Jeongin jumps up to clean up the second that everyone has finished eating. After you decline to watch a drama with them, you can hear one of them pacing past your bedroom every few minutes, pausing right outside your door before continuing on.

You have just decided to muster up the courage to actually watch the recording of the video, it was embarrassingly easy to find one, when Seungmin video calls you. You immediately click away from where your own stupid looking shocked face is paused on screen to answer because you know Seungmin knows that you prefer to text unless it's an emergency.

“Hey,” you greet him warily. “What's up?”

“Felix is trying to kill me,” Seungmin complains.

“What now?”

“Just look!”

Seungmin changes to his back camera to reveal their kitchen, which is littered with baking supplies and seems almost hazy for some reason.

“Is that smoke?” you ask, sitting up in bed.

“I said not to film!” Felix's voice comes from somewhere outside of the frame. Seungmin pans over dizzyingly fast to show where he's crouched in front of the oven, streaks of flour smudged on his clothes and in his hair.

“I'm not filming,” Seungmin comments, unbothered by the fact that Felix is pulling out a pan of what looks like they should be cookies but look alarmingly similar to lumps of coal. “I'm on a call. Show Y/nnie what you made,” he prompts.

“What?? Noooo,” Felix whines. “Y/n don't look!”

“What are those supposed to be?” you laugh.

“I wanted to make something to cheer you up,” Felix says miserably. Seungmin cackles, moving the camera closer so that you first get a close-up of Felix's face, then a better look at the burnt baking sheet. You keel over, stomach starting to hurt from how hard you're laughing. “I was trying to clean up while they baked and didn't hear the timer go off.”

“Well I appreciate the thought,” you say, when you can finally catch a breath. “And you definitely succeeded in making me feel better. Didn't the fire alarm go off?”

“We just got it to stop,” Seungmin says, switching the camera so that you can see his face again. “It's freezing in here now, we had to open all the windows to air out the place.”

“You poor things,” you coo, leaning back onto your bed now that you aren't concerned that they're in immediate danger. “Do you want to come over to our place?”

“I want to, but someone has to make sure that sunshine over here doesn't burn anything else.” Seungmin rolls his eyes, making you laugh again. You hear Felix yell something in the background. “I just wanted a witness in case I don't make it to our schedule tomorrow. I think I gotta go.”

“Yeah, I think you'll be busy cleaning up the rest of the night. See you tomorrow!”

You end the call, plunging your room back into darkness. You lie on your bed for a few moments before unlocking your phone again.

Even though you knew that it wasn't wise, like clockwork you found yourself scrolling through social media after every comeback. It used to be worse, when you had been living alone and would spend countless hours curled up on your tiny bed, face only illuminated by your phone. 

The rest of the members all know that you had private social media accounts, they all had them too even though you technically weren't allowed to. What they didn't know was how many nights you had wasted away, watching funny compilations, reaction videos, and analysis of performances. Sometimes, it even felt like you were subconsciously searching for the negative comments, wanting to understand better the mindset of the haters.

It was an old, but bad habit, so you had tried your best to stop once you moved in with Chan and Jeongin. But tonight you just couldn't sleep. After wandering into the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water, you end up getting distracted by your Youtube recommendations.

You don't know what kind of strings the company pulled, but by some miracle, there's no clips of your disastrous fan call circulating any more, although there were still a lot of people talking about it.

There had been mixed comments. Some of the clips had excluded the terrible questions and people commented on how bad your media training must have been, but a majority of people were furious on your behalf and complained about how out of bounds the comment had been. 

You should be relieved that the videos have been taken down and you are to a certain extent, but just a couple days ago the dance practice that haunted you had been posted. Just one more thing to worry about. As you feared, while a majority of the comments were nice, there's already people picking apart your performance, comparing you to the boys. 

You click from one comment to another, then move onto fan made videos, inevitably falling down a rabbit hole of the many edits that exist where you had been cropped out or digitally removed. It was almost mesmerizing, watching videos of how well the group worked without you, how natural it looked to see what it would have looked like if it was just the eight of them. Some nights, you could almost forget that the edits were exactly that, edits and not the reality.

“Hey,” Chan interrupts. He is obviously trying his best not to scare you, but you were startled anyway, dropping your phone on the counter. “What are you up to so late?”

“It's nothing,” you said quickly, fumbling to lock your phone so that he can’t see the video that’s playing, but Chan had scooped it up before you had the chance to pick it back up.

“What's this-” You could see the moment that he pieced things together, the way that even in the dim lighting you could tell how his brow had furrowed and his hand had tightened around your phone. “How come you're not in these videos?”

“Hm?”

“You were definitely in this performance,” Chan says, studying the paused screen. “You're supposed to be… They removed you.” He finally realises with horror. “Why are you watching garbage like this?”

“I just want to know what Stay are thinking.” You shrug. “I saw this video and couldn't help but watch. It’s not a big deal, I was just curious.”

“They're not Stay if they're not supporting the whole group!” Chan startles you with the sharpness of his voice. He catches sight of your wide eyes and softens his tone. “Sorry, I just hate akgaes and seeing these kind of posts.”

“Oh come on,” you say. “You're telling me that you've never thought about what the group would be like if you weren't being dragged down by me?”

“Dragged down- Y/n-”

“Don't lie to me, oppa. I know you've seen what people are saying about the group, about me. Have you seen some of these edits? Stray Kids looks good as eight,” you admit.

“I’m not lying! None of us would want to be making music or performing without you,” Chan insists.

“You don't have to say that just to not make me feel bad.” You shake your head.

“We’ve been together from the start, why would I have chosen you to be a part of Stray Kids if I didn't actually want you to be on the team?” Chan asks, sounding frustrated, but also genuinely curious.

“Because the company added me to the team at the last minute?” you say, as if it's obvious. Because to you, and basically everybody else, it is. “I know I wasn't part of the group that you picked. It's okay-”

“What are you talking about? You know that I chose you too, right?” he asks slowly. 

“But the company-”

“They couldn’t have just added you to the group without our say.”

“No, I know that you guys agreed it to, but-”

“Y/n-ah, we didn't just agree to it. They told me they wanted us to consider adding a female member to Stray Kids. We thought about it and said yes. I was the one who wanted that member to be you.”

You stare at him, dumbfounded. 

“What?”

“Why are you so surprised? I saw your evaluations, you were one of trainees strongest in dance, probably the only one that could keep up with us, your singing has always been stable, and I know that based on your personality and work ethic, you would get along well with the rest of us. It was the obvious choice.”

“Oh.” Is all you can say, mind racing.

“You really thought the company just added your name onto the roster and we went along with it?”

“I don't know, I guess so?” you say sheepishly. “I was just so grateful to debut, it didn't matter at the time. It felt so out of the blue.”

“You know that one of the reasons that JYP didn't have you on that many of the girl group line-ups was because he was considering making you a solo artist, right?”

“Huh? There's no way,” you immediately deny. “Nobody ever mentioned that-”

“He told me when I brought up your name to add to the group. I guess they never wanted to get your hopes up.”

“I thought they were going to drop me soon,” you admit, scratching at the back of your neck. “I uh, I thought maybe I would do at most one more year of training and then move back in with my family. I had even started filling out university applications to keep my options open.”

“Y/n, you were consistently having amazing evaluations, you were being praised so much by everyone. Why would you doubt yourself?”

“Three years as a trainee and nothing to show for it. You know what it was like, how hard it was to see people come and go. It didn't matter how great my evaluations were if I never got to debut.”

“But-”

“Don't tell me that you never thought about quitting. Oppa, I thought that you of all people would understand what it was like.” You hate the way that your voice cracks.

“I thought about it all the time,” Chan says. “Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.”

“It's fine,” you mumble.

“Y/n-ah,” Chan asks tentatively, like he's afraid to learn the answer. “All these years that we've been together, did you really think we didn't want you?”

“Yes? Well, not really. I didn't think you guys disliked having me in the group per se, I just always thought that maybe you would like it more if I wasn't? And I guess it didn't help that there are a lot of people who thought the same way.”

“I'm sorry we didn't reassure you more.” Chan runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “How did we not see that you felt this way?”

“Because I didn't want you to? It's not like it was your fault anyway, I was just overthinking.”

“You know we're going to have to make it up to you, right?” Chan says, looking a little mischievous. 

“Oh please no,” you say, backing away nervously thinking of how much coddling and smothering you're about to endure. You're pretty sure you're already one of the members that's doted on the most. “Things are good as they are.”

“Nope, I refuse.” Chan approaches you, reaching out and catching your wrist so that you can't get away. “We're going to give you so much love that you're not going to doubt yourself ever again.”

“No!” you squeal, trying to tug away from his grip. “I already-” 

The rest of your sentence gets cut off as Chan pulls you into an embrace and your face gets smashed against his shoulder. He squeezes you tightly and contrary to your words, you just relax into his hold.

“What are you guys doing? You're being so loud.”

Both you and Chan freeze, then turn to stare as Jeongin shuffles into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with his hair all mussed up. You turn back to Chan for a second before he replies.

“Just having a bit of a heart to heart, Innie. Come here, join us,” he invites.

“Ugh, why would I want to hug either of you?” Jeongin complains, wrinkling his nose before immediately walking over and enveloping both of you in his arms.

Even though you know you're going to have to leave for a schedule in a matter of hours, with both Chan and Jeongin's arms wrapped tight around you, you feel lighter than you have in months. You feel secure, at ease, and finally, like you've found a home in these boys.

where the heart is collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist

[originalaccountname]

Fascinated with the contrast between the (obviously) iconic Corruption Chuuya laugh and the fact that, for almost all of its use time, Chuuya remains neutral to focused/determined during Corruption:

there are actually only 2 panels where he's laughing, notably only after he's defeated his foe, before Dazai steps in:

If you watch the Dead Apple Corruption scene, Chuuya never laughs maniacally, remaining focused the entire time (as his objectives were "defeat the dragon" and "find Dazai" instead of destroying everything around).

On the other side, in Storm Bringer, we see Verlaine laugh while under Brutalization, in the middle of the action when he's already started decimating his enemies (with little resistance). His laugh is described as inhuman and compared to various powerful sounds of destruction.

Still in SB, Chuuya, for his part, smiles his wicked grins when the battle is at its peak with the sharing of blows, but otherwise is only described as howling and yelling (much like he was doing in Dead Apple).

I cannot argue how iconic the mad-with-power laughter of Corruption is, but I find it very interesting how we, the fandom as a whole, have fixated on such a small part of it to the point of assuming the laughter is a constant presence.

[anxi04]

give me a damian and tim who act like they hate each other but they’re just constantly on the same wavelength

they’re not allowed to patrol together cause criminals start ending up even more traumatized than before. tim makes the plans and damian executes them FLAWLESSLY

their missions together end with a blown up building, a flawlessly completed mission (even with said blown up building), damian with a new stray, and tim with a new criminal connection. also with damian trying to stab tim who’s paying for their ice cream instead of going back to the cave for their report

[hyunpic]

hyunjin — skz talker ep. 69

[originalartblog]

Say hello to my little friend!!!

TWO blueberries tall!!!!

(based on this video)

[aquacomet]

The 2024 DCA Reveal-versary magma collab has been wrapped up and here are the final results! ☀️🎉🎂🌙

A super big thank you to all the amazing artists that attended the collab to celebrate! We've broken way over 2023's record of attendees with a overall number of 59+ artists! It really is a lively celestial party in there, they're probably going to need more cake!

An additional thank you to all who stopped by, shared the event, expressed their interest and to the Daycare Friend Pick Up mods for also allowing this in their discord server!

(Due to being over the tumblr tag limit for the full credit list, a reblog will be added onto this with the second section of credits!)

⭐Here's the list of all the artists that participated!⭐

@aquacomet - @crystalmagpie447 - @pure-plum

@thatmooncake - @flinxypie - @eggcromancer

@nexerist - @crabsnpersimmons - @zamjd

@darlingdeer21 - @agent-darkfest - @piowasthere

@nighternex - @gyxtar0luvs - @sulfadimethoxine

@pluck-heartstrings - @starshinenoa - @enduu115

@tvboxi - @tinkpumpkin - @marshmallowcat666

@luckyyyduckyyy - @m-mints - @sunshinehare

@ping-ski - @lil-artist-blog-fandoms-ocs - @sipnoot

@synthrobeat - @galaxysugarr - @alynwrench

(I took care to note down everyone who participated and added their credits, but if I missed someone let me know what you made and I'll add you to the list!)

[fisheito]

When all your housepets are biters

[chahnniesroom]

to love and to cherish

pairing: bang chan x female reader

summary: chan comforts you when you have a bad day and are struggling with insecurity.

word count: 1.6k

tags/warnings: sad, hurt/comfort, reader is depressed

a/n: this fic was inspired by this reel and this reel. portions of the dialogue were taken directly from them. i actually had a super cute lee know fic planned for this title in the collection, but never got around to writing it so here you go instead 😅 this is the last fic for this collection, thank you to everyone who has read it!

till death do us part collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist

Chan has resigned himself to a life that's the opposite of routine. Between comebacks, promotions, and tours, there's always something new to juggle. 

He wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes he craves an ordinary life.

That's one of the things he loves about you. How he can come home and get lost in the simplicity of cooking dinner, going grocery shopping, or folding laundry together. One of his favourite things is being able to spend a quiet night in with you.

As a regular office worker, your schedule is more predictable. You leave at the same time every morning and although you often have to work overtime, it’s a manageable amount.  

In the beginning of your relationship, Chan often felt guilty about how chaotic his life was in comparison to yours and always felt that that it made him seem unreliable. It’s still something he worries about from time to time, but after a couple of years, the two of you have learned how to balance it all.

—

Chan knows something is wrong when he gets home and all the lights are off. He can tell  that you’re home because he can see your shoes neatly lined up by the door and your work bag is hanging off one of the kitchen chairs.

He carefully takes his shoes off and makes his way further into the apartment, trying to stay quiet in case you’re sleeping. He feels his heart clench when he finds you awake instead, curled up in bed with tears running down your face. Even though you haven’t seen him yet, he can tell that you’re suppressing your cries, trying not to make a sound.

“Baby,” he says gently, kneeling on the floor beside you to get your attention without spooking you. “What's wrong?”

“Channie?” you look up at him with a sniffle. “How come you're home?”

“Nothing important, just tell me, what's got you so upset?”

You shake your head instead of responding, burrowing further into the makeshift nest that you’ve created by piling all the pillows and blankets into one side of the bed. Just the very top of your head is visible and even though he's concerned about how you're acting, Chan can��t help but think of how adorable you are. He extends a hand out and, when you don’t pull away, strokes through the bit of hair that’s still exposed.

“Did you have a hard time at work?” he asks.

“Mmm, no it was okay.” Your voice is faint, muffled by the blankets and hoarse from crying. Chan tries not to think of how long you must have been like this for your throat to be in such bad condition.

“Did you get any bad news? Is your family okay? DId something happen to one of your friends?”

The longer you stay silent, the more scared that Chan gets. He doesn't want to overwhelm you so he feels bad that he's practically bombarding you with questions. It's just that his mind is racing, thinking of every terrible thing that could have happened between when he had kissed you on your forehead as a goodbye this morning to now.

“Did I-” Chan asks tentatively. “Did I do something to make you upset?”

That’s what finally gets you to reply.

“I'm just having a bad day,” you say softly.

 “Is there anything I can do to help?” Chan asks, immediately in problem-solving mode. “Did you eat yet? I can make us something and we can watch a movie or-”

You interrupt the beginnings of Chan’s rambling by reaching out and wrapping a hand around Chan’s wrist, tugging him towards where you’re lying.

“Just stay with me.”

Chan is quick to obey. He strips off his hoodie and pants before settling in beside where you're curled up. When you rearrange the blankets and shift to lean against Chan, he gathers you into his arms and tucks your head under his chin. 

Neither of you say anything for a while. Chan focuses on controlling this breathing and is relieved when you slowly match him.

Chan can tell that you need a bit more time to calm down and he knows that you'll talk when you're ready, if you want to talk at all. He feels a pang of regret for not realising earlier that you were struggling so much today.

“I'm sorry that I'm depressed,” you say all of a sudden.

“Why are you apologising?” Chan asks, genuinely confused. “You have nothing to apologise for, it's not like you chose to be depressed.”

“I just- Don't you ever wish that I was more normal?”

“What?”

“I mean, you could easily find someone else to date, someone better-”

“I'm going to have to stop you there,” Chan says firmly. “Yes, I could find someone else to date, you could too. But I don’t want to, you’re the one that’s best for me, you’re the one I want to be with. I chose you.”

“Yeah, but you chose the old me, the happy version of me. I- I’m not good to date right now.”

“I chose you and I will continue to choose you. You’re still you even if you’re depressed. Depression doesn’t decrease your worth or make you any less lovable than when I first met you.”

“But it sucks that you have to take care of me like this, that you have to deal with all my bad days.”

“I don’t like it when you have a bad day either, but it’s not because I don’t want to take care of you. A part of any close relationship is taking care of each other and I would do even more if it would help your depression. I just wish there was something I could do to make it so that you never have a bad day again. And it’s not like I’m always looking after you, you take care of me all the time too,” Chan reminds you.

“But that’s different,” you mumble, turning to hide your face in Chan’s shoulder. 

“Is it?” Chan asks. Instead of trying to coax you into looking at him, he just wraps his arms around you tighter, rubbing slow circles onto your back. “You took on all the cooking and cleaning when I injured my wrist, even though the doctor said I could still do everyday tasks.”

“It’s not the same,” you argue. “You injured yourself and had to rest, otherwise you wouldn’t heal as quickly.”

“You help me when my insomnia is bad and I can’t sleep at night. I used to feel so bad because I knew that you would get scolded at work for showing up so tired after staying up with me.”

“It wasn’t your fault!” you say quickly. “I wanted to, you didn’t make me stay up.”

“Just like how I want to help you,” Chan reminds you. “I know what you’re going through is difficult and I want to do anything I can to make it easier for you.”

“But what if I’m like this forever?” you ask in a small voice. “What if I’m always sad?”

“Listen, just because this is how things are now, does not mean things will always be this way, okay? I know it can be hard to think that way, but I’ll always be here to remind you.”

"It just feels like I'm never going to get better."

"What does getting better mean to you?"

"Being back to what I was like in the past, when I was happier."

"I think if you look at it that way, you won't be satisfied. But I see you, I see your progress. You've been seeing a therapist, and I know they have helped you a lot. You've told me that the medications you've been taking have improved how and what you feel."

"I guess," you say reluctantly.

"I see that you're trying. You won't always be happy. That's natural. The important thing is that you'll learn that you can experience disappointment or misfortune, that bad things will happen, but you will still survive. I know that it's hard, but I'll be here alongside you."

“Can you promise me something?” you ask tentatively, peeking out to look at Chan.

“Anything,” he agrees immediately.

“If you ever get tired of all this, of me, promise that you’ll tell me. Promise me that you’ll leave. I don’t want you to feel trapped in this relationship.”

“As long as you do the same to me,” Chan says.

“What? I wouldn’t ever have to-” you start to object.

“And I don’t think I will either.”

“I’m sorry that you have to always reassure me,” you say quietly.

“I told you, I don’t mind-”

“I think this is the worst version of me,” you say all of a sudden. You hold your breath, as if you’re bracing for Chan’s reply. He doesn’t even have to think to respond.

“I feel safe with the worst version of you.”

You’re quiet for so long that Chan starts to worry that he didn’t say the right thing. He shouldn’t have made it sound like he agrees that this is the worst version of you, he should have reassured you more he-

“I feel safe with you too,” you finally reply and Chan knows that everything is going to be alright.

till death do us part collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist

[moodyvoid]

The League of Villains members trying to sneak a stray cat into the hideout without Tomura finding out.

Toga: “Everyone be quiet so we don’t alert Tomura.”

Twice, Toga, Spinner, and Mr. Compress all tip-toeing into the hideout.

Dabi walking in last and closing the door, loudly.

Everyone glaring at Dabi.

Dabi: “… What?”

All of them turning back, Tomura appearing out of the shadows like a cryptid and scaring the shit out of everyone.

Tomura: “What do you have there?”

Toga: “Nothing!”

Twice: “Definitely not a cat!”

Spinner: “Twice!“

Twice: “—my bad.”

Tomura: “Show me.”

Toga, pulling the cat out of her coat.

Tomura, staring at the cat for a moment before reaching out and petting it.

Tomura: “Got a name for it?”

Spinner: “You’re letting us keep it?!”

Tomura: “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

Mr. Compress: “We had assumed you wouldn’t allow strays in the hideout.”

Tomura: “I let all of you in, didn’t I?”

Dabi: “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Tomura, taking the cat and walking away.

[elverrie]

spike is like that arrogant and "highly" independent stray cat that once showed up at buffy`s door and after that she and the gang couldn`t get rid of him. he appears when he feels like it, acting like he doesn`t want to be there and hates everybody (except buffy), steals their trash and annoys the hell out of them, he brings buffy dead birds and knocks off xander`s cup, but then everybody got used to him, so whatever.

and andrew is that whimpering anxious small crusty dog that also showed up at buffy`s home, doing weird things and side quests and he absolutely cannot be left alone or he will scream. nobody also wanted him, nobody knows what to do with him, but now they are stuck with him, for better or worse.

[hyunpic]

hyunjin — dominATE: 241117 📍tokyo

[stonnedparrott]

Euphemia Potter the woman you are

[ocudeus]