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purpleyoonn · 2 years

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The Line Between Love and War 7

C H A P T E R 7:

THE AMA’S AND BLUSHING

“It is said that the night sky is made up of tiny wishes that humans were never able to fulfill. That the stars only became bright by the fulfillment of those wishes. In your eyes, the stars that shine never seemed real, your childhood wishes dark and dim as you grow. But now, now you understand the twinkle in their eyes as they look down at you.”

Summary: Your experiences told you that soulmates were something you would never have the pleasure of having; something not given to you because of who you are, despite the soulmark that resides on your inner left wrist. During your solo trip to Los Angeles, you find out that you are more than capable, that your soulmates had been waiting for you for a long time, and would not be letting you go anytime soon.

Genre: soulmate au, bts au, idol bts, polyamory relationship, eventual smut

Paring: Idol!BTS x autistic!mc

Status: Ongoing (randomly updated)

Warnings: mental illness, talk of disability, lots of angst, miscommunication, feelings of depression, feelings of isolation, polyamory bts, stalking, dangerous behavior, eventual smut,

Chapter Warnings: anxious feelings, some drama, insecurities, becky g to the rescue, safety issues come up, not too much going on, a slight shutdown*, relationship first, actual soulmate bonding begins now,

Taglist: @azazel-nyx @yuzon3 @hannahdinse8 @quirkybtsarmy @mageprincess7 @fluffy-canada-pancakes @suckerforv @chaoticthingpizza @drissteele @carolinexkpop @avadakadabra93 @lachimolala22019 @justaweird0 @singukieee @welcometomyworld13 @toughbook @kimana122 @kpopmultistantrashsstuff @0funsite0 @joyless-living @sinceritythatcouldntbedelivered @elliott-calls @psychosupernatural @kyuupidwrites

*shutdown: an autism shutdown, or autistic shutdown, is when a person’s brain becomes so overloaded they can’t control reactions or they become totally unresponsive or frozen. Shutdowns are related to meltdowns. In the case of a shutdown, the person will feel as though they might be trapped in their body, unable to move or respond to any external stimulus.

Masterlist // Chapter 6 // Chapter 8

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Previously on The Line Between Love and War:

You nod your head at his question, not knowing if you could accurately answer his question without knowing the context or possible situation he could be referring to. Namjoon just takes your answer for what it was, a probability. Nodding in his own way, he then goes to ask how you feel about attending the American Music Awards that were to take place the next day.

“If it’s okay, I think I would like to go, but I don’t want to be on the red carpet. I don’t want to take the event away from you all and I don’t think I’m comfortable with being on it.” You were honest with him, something he would never fault you for. He was happy you were being honest with him and with yourself.

“Don’t worry baby, we can work things out with Seungho. I’m glad you are going with us though. I know we would feel more at ease with you by our sides.” He moved forward, catching you slightly off guard as he placed a sweet kiss to your cheek before getting up and leaving you to your thoughts and the wordsearch across your lap.

You were dreaming, you had to be. Like, there was no other option that your brain agreed with. You had to be dreaming, and your fantasy seemed way to out of the park to be considered real.

You were currently in a light purple, almost lavender, silk soft dress. It had straps that were a couple inches in width, making you feel more comfortable with the fact that it had a deeper cleavage then you were used to. The dress went to the floor, and the stylist gave you heels to wear. It showed off your soulmarks, something the boys were extremely happy with.

There was something so primal about your soulmate showing off their soul mark, their connection to you. The boys were possessive in nature, something anyone could see, and it extended to you. You were their mate and for you to have your mark on display, it had them buzzing.

You had never worn heels before and waddled like a baby deer as you entered the room the boys told you to go into when you were done. It’s where you knew you had to be dreaming as most of the boys were in various stages of undress, Namjoon only in his boxers as he stood near the clothing rack.

You were gaping at them, wide-eyed for a couple of seconds before blinking quickly, trying to figure out if you were truly seeing what was in front of you.

There was no way you weren’t dreaming. It makes sense.

Only you would come up with a dream where BTS were your soulmates and they were currently undressed in front of you. There was no way it was reality.

Taehyung was the first to notice you, smiling big as he moved to where you were standing, watching the door be closed by Seungho. You were just standing there, eyes wide as you practically stared at the rest getting dressed. He didn’t care about his own state of undress, pants barely buttoned as he walked in front of you.

He couldn’t tell what you were thinking, but he had seen the look in your eyes before. The small glint in the corner where you questioned everything. You wore it a lot in your dreams where you tried to rationalize everything. He could only guess that you thought you were dreaming, more distinctly you thought you were dreaming that they were your soulmates.

He knew from your dreams over the past week that you still didn’t truly believe that you were their missing soulmate. It hurt sometimes, Jimin clinging to him as they talked about how they would convince you, past what they were already doing.

“Hey baby.” Your eyes shifted to now focus on Taehyung, who kissed you on the forehead before gripping your hands in his and leading you to the small two-seater that was next to his dressing area. It was then that the others began to notice you were in the room.

“Hey pretty girl.” Hobi had come up with his shirt half unbuttoned to greet you, hand locking with yours as his eyes moved slowly down your figure, taking in every inch of you he could see. It had you growing flustered, their touch slowly moving the dreamlike haze from your eyes.

“Hi Hobi.” Your voice was quiet as you tried to hide the blush growing on your cheeks. Now that their touch was bringing you back, you were beginning to grow flustered at the amount of skin the boys were slowly covering. It seemed they were trying to see how slowly they could get dressed.

Once they realized you were in the room, watching them get dressed, their stage personas came out and they made to see how quickly they could fluster their youngest mate. Jimin especially was having fun with this, winking at you as he slowly pulled his pants up his thighs and over his hips. He had you looking away the fastest, a win in his eyes, seeing the blush you had on your neck and cheeks.

Jungkook, however, saw things differently. He was the first to finish getting ready and was quick to move to where you were sitting and wrap you up in his arms. He hooked his chin over your shoulder and snuggled in close, loving the blush that was accompanied by the warmth of your arms covering his own that wrapped across your stomach.

“You look beautiful in this dress, baby.” His words brushed across your shoulders causing tingles to move down your spine, both his tone and his breath across your skin being the cause. You could practically feel the heat of his words against you, the temperature in the room spiking because of it.

“You look good too, Koo.” You turn to look at him, your eye catching on the way he played with his lip piercing. You didn’t even catch his eyes looking you over as you turned back around.

“Jungkook, you’re going to get your suit wrinkled. Come here, princess.” Jin had come up to you, knowing that you were getting overwhelmed and Jungkook was about to catch the attention of their head stylist, none of them wanting to witness her fury at the sight of wrinkled clothing.

He helped you stand up, hands on your waist as he held you steady on your still wobbly legs. Heels were not your thing and you didn’t think you would ever get used to them. It was then you realized that everyone was ready, only a few hair touchups needed from the game Jimin and Yoongi were playing.

“You really do look beautiful, baby. This dress looks amazing on you.” He grinned, loving the purple on you knowing what it represented to them. You just reached down, rubbing slightly at your heels as you responded.

“Yeah well, my ankles aren’t going to look so amazing once the night is over. I feel like a newborn deer.” Your words were rung true by you trying to walk forward, legs shaking and almost falling over.

Taehyung caught you, a hand on your back as he steadied you. He held a smile on his lips as helped you walk to the door where the others were now waiting.

“Let’s go my deer.” You only shook your head at his attempt to make you smile, the others laughing at Taehyung’s pun.

The plan was for you to leave the vehicle after the boys exit for the red carpet. You would be driven a little further down where you would be able to walk behind the red carpet backdrop and in to the Microsoft Theater where the awards would be taking place.

Seungho would accompany you into the theater and help you find where you were to be seated. You were assured by the boys and Sejin that you would have your own seat with the boys, that you would be able to sit there while you waited for the boys to join you.

There were three other security members with the boys, making sure nothing happened while on the carpet, doing interviews and taking pictures. They were also to ensure that nothing negative was said about you or the bond, which didn’t matter so much to you as it did to the boys.

The car was not silent when you arrived, each of the boys moving to hug you and reassure you that they were only seconds away if needed. Namjoon especially was worried, knowing exactly how the media would spin even the slightest breath in a negative way.

“Boys, please. It will be okay. I will have Seungho with me and I will just be seated in our assigned spots. Nothing is going to happen.” Okay, maybe you were optimistic about everything right now, but it was only to save face. You were really anxious about the entire night, not wanting to do anything that would upset anyone, especially the boys or army.

Once the door was opened by one of the security team, the boys sent you worried glances as they exited the car, Jin blowing you a kiss before the door closed behind them. You could see all of the photographers lined up and already taking pictures of the boys, some even trying to catch a glance of you in the car.

It was already rumored that you would be in attendance, a picture of the seating arrangements having been leaked the day before when it was being set up. This had the boys worried, but everyone was reassured by Sejin that the team had been prepared for this.

The management team for the boys had already prepared in the event that their last mate would be found, knowing the amount of attention that would be aimed your way. They knew people would try and do anything to get even the smallest glance or fact about you.

The headphones Yoongi had bought for you, the ones you wore to the concert, had already been sold out the following day. Army worked quick in finding out which ones you wore and acted fast, buying out the entire stock through multiple stores.

To say you were shocked was an understatement. Taehyung had even taken a short video of you and posted it to twitter with the caption “army at it again”. In the video, you had your mouth open wide in shock as you look at the website for the store Yoongi had gotten the headphones from. Jungkook was leaning over the back of the couch to look at your screen and pointing at it, laughing as he knows extremely well how quick army could be.

Seungho had opened the door for you when the car stopped again, this time towards the back where you could safely make your way to the theater and to your seats.

“Are you ready for your first appearance, Y/n?” He holds his hand out to help you out of the car as he smiles at you.

“Not at all.” You smile back, thoroughly in awe at how quick your life changed. Just a week ago, you were in your hotel room about to make your way to the Line store, and now you were at the AMA’s with your idol soulmates.

You were quiet as Seungho led you through the slightly narrow walkway and into the theater where you were met by one of the coordinators. After a quick talk where he had to show his badge and your own, he led you down to where the artists would be sitting.

While you were looking around the theater in awe, the boys were being interviewed and having their pictures taken on the carpet.

“Now, I think congratulations are in order. I believe everyone has seen the announcement of you guys finding your final soulmate.” The interviewer gestures to the surrounding people as she spoke.

“Is there anything you can tell us about your final soulmate?” She finally asks the question the boys were waiting for. Namjoon internally sighs as he moves to answer.

“She is the sweetest person. She has a big heart and it feels like we’ve known her forever.” He doesn’t even have to fake the smile or glint in his eyes as he talks about you. Jimin moves forward a little as he leans closer to one of the microphones.

“Y/n is beautiful and we are doing our…best to get to know her better.” He stumbles a bit as he tries to find the right word but he gets a pat on the back from Namjoon, making him feel he did good.

“Well, I’m sure army is extremely happy that your bond is now complete.” Yoongi wants to roll his eyes at the woman’s comment, knowing that her tone was anything but happy.

“We actually have another question that has come in from some comments on our twitter page. The fans want to know if your final mate is an army and who her bias is?” This question has the boys looking at each other, wondering if they should answer or not. Jin decides to take the microphone.

“She is army and her bias is BTS.” The boys all internally applaud their eldest mate for his quick thinking, some even trying not to roll their eyes at his blatant wink at the end.

The woman just laughs, obviously fake as she was hoping to stir up some kind of drama. She tries to ask another question but is told by one of their team that her time was over. She doesn’t even say any goodbye as she walks away from them, her cameraman following.

“Wow.” Jungkook mutters under his breath, Hobi agreeing.

“I knew we would get some questions about Y/n, but not like that.” Taehyung says low, knowing they don’t need anyone listening in, despite speaking in their native Korean. They never knew who could translate or speak their language while in the states. Look at you, they didn’t expect for you to be able to speak almost fluent Korean when they found you.

Almost every question they had received so far, besides one of the interviewers they were more familiar with, had been about you. And while they loved that they were able to talk about you and show the world how much they already loved you, it made some of the boys feel weird.

-*-*-

You had found your seats, almost right up front with an amazing view of the stage when a man had walked up to you. Seungho was quick to usher you behind him as he moved forward to stop the man from coming any further.

“Excuse me Miss, you cannot sit there. I’m going to have to ask you to move to the designated seat filler area until the show starts.” Seat fillers were regular people who had to go through some kind of vetting process to be able to fill the seats within award shows. They typically moved from seat to seat so it looked like the audience was always full whenever an artists had to leave.

Seungho, who held both of your passes, just looked at the man and held his hand up, preventing the man from getting closer to you like he was trying to do.

“We have our passes right here. This is her artist pass.” He hands the man your pass hoping this would resolve the issue.

“Is this some kind of joke?” The man now looks angry as he holds up your artist pass with your name on it and the logo for BTS, the word soulmate accompanied underneath in bold writing. He tries to move past Seungho to grab your arm but Seungho is quick to push the man away.

“I can assure you this is not a joke.” You were quiet as Seungho moves to protect you from the now visibly angry man.

“I’ve never seen this pass before. It doesn’t even look like an artist pass. I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you don’t move to the seat filler area.” He spits at you both like he would be just as happy to physically remove you.

“Why would you think this is a joke, Sir?” You ask the man, making both heads turn towards you, Seungho with a weary look and the man who seems to pause at hearing you speak.

“There is no way you can be their soulmate. Look at you.” He gestures to you, not even caring that other people were now looking your way, other artists and celebrities who had now begun to enter the theater for the awards show.

The words coming from this man’s mouth make Seungho’s blood boil. Of the week he has known you and been assigned to be your head security, he has seen how insecure you had been about everything, including your looks. He is aware that there is some trauma from your home life that aids into your insecurities, but he doesn’t know the full story.

Either way, that is never how you should talk to or treat someone. But before he could say anything, someone else interrupts.

“Oh my goodness, girl! You look amazing!” You see Becky G walking up to you and bringing you into a hug. To say you were starstruck was an understatement. You had been watching her videos since she was on YouTube, growing up listening to her songs.

When she pulls back from the hug, she turns around to face the man. “Is there something wrong?” She has an arm around you and the other on her hip as the speaks to the worker. He just starts to sputter like a fish, trying to figure out what to say.

“You know this woman?” Was what he managed to spit out, looking between you and Becky with confusion.

“Of course! She is one of my friend J-Hope’s mates.” She gestures to the two couches that have the words “BTS and Soulmate” on the cards resting on the cushions. Becky looked between the man and the placard with a raised eyebrow, not even waiting before taking your pass from his hands and handing it to Seungho.

“What’s going on here, baby?” Namjoon asks, looking at the scene in front of him. They had heard as they were walking towards their seats and you, that there was a commotion going on. The rushed to where they knew their seats were, just hoping no one was giving you any sort of trouble.

“Nothing Sirs. I just didn’t uh, didn’t realize—” The man began to stutter, trying to think of a response that wouldn’t get him into trouble when Seungho interrupted him.

“He tried to remove Y/n from her seat as he didn’t think she was your mate or belonged with you. Miss Becky came and helped her when she saw what was going on.” Seungho explained, causing the group to glare at the man after sending smiles towards Becky who was still standing with you.

At the audience you were receiving, the main coordinator for the event had come down to see what was going on. It was at this point that Jimin and Hobi decided to come over to you, checking on you and give thanks to Becky.

“Here baby. Why don’t you sit here with me.” Jimin spoke softly to you, not knowing how this incident could have affected you; you were pretty silent as you looked up at him. He was unable to read your emotions, causing him a little panic as he brought you over to the second couch, sitting you in the middle where he knew you would be surrounded by them.

You watched Jimin fuss over you, trying to push the words from your lips to tell him what happened. You could hear Hobi and Becky talking, him wanting to get her story as he also greeted his old friend.

You turned your head, looking for Namjoon only to see him talking to the head coordinator as the man was escorted away. You watched the woman gesture your way and the firm nod from Namjoon.

He came over first, kneeling in front of you as he grabbed your hands to hold.

“Baby, the main coordinator is going to come over to apologize for the coordinator and for his actions. I just wanted to let you know.” He stood up but continued to hold your hand as the woman walked over.

“Hello Y/n. My name is Susan and I am the main coordinator for the American Music Awards. I just wanted to apologize for the actions of Tim and to let you know it will never happen again. If there is anything you need for the night, please don’t be afraid to let one of us know. I will have two additional guards up front for you and you can let either of them know if you have any problems, okay?” Susan had a kind expression on as she talked to you. She seemed genuine which helped to soften the emotions you were holding in.

“Thank you.” You managed to push out, the words sounding like a mumble as you did so. It made you worry that she wasn’t going to hear you, but the smile and no you received was a relief that you didn’t have to try and repeat yourself.

Susan said a couple more words to Namjoon before leaving. Namjoon took his spot on your other side, while Hobi sat next to him. Namjoon had an arm around you while Jimin had a hand on your thigh, rubbing circles into the fabric covering your skin.

“We should have been with you.” Namjoon muttered under his breath as his grip on your waist tightened. He could see the nail marks on his palm, could feel them on forming on his palm as they were being interviewed. He knew it wasn’t his doing and could only imagine what was happening for you to do that.

He moved his hand, turning your palm over so he could see your own palm, to see the red and irritated marks. He didn’t say anything as you watched him bring your palm up to your lips, kissing at your unfortunate habit.

The lights began to go down as the stage was lit up. You could see the microphone being set up and the curtains being drawn as you sat back in your seat. There were so many things you wanted to say, but you knew that you wouldn’t be able to get them out.

“We’re here baby.” Jimin whispered as the cameramen began to film the crowd, moving passing your small group as they did so. You could feel the familiar warmth moving up your spine as your bond began to settle one more. Ease moving through your body as the tension left, excitement now filling your body as the host walked on stage to start the show.

-*-*-

During their ending performance, the boys made sure to keep you in their line of sight, unknowingly making some of the cameramen record you for reaction videos. You were incredibly self conscious, especially after that coordinator’s comments earlier. You tried to ignore the camera’s but you kept fiddling with your bracelet and fingers.

When their performance was over, you stood up and clapped for them, the camera still on you even as your boys walked off stage. It was nerve wracking for you and you honestly couldn’t wait for the cameramen to leave.

However, despite the small incident in the beginning, and the annoying cameramen, the night was amazing.

The boys were nominated for and won Artist of the Year, Favorite Pop Duo/Group, and Favorite Pop Song with Butter. You were unbelievably proud and couldn’t stop smiling the entire way home, feeling like a proud army as the boys cheered and danced around in the car.

They planned to have a live for armies once at the hotel, after showering and changing. They decided to skip the after party, not really wanting to go anyways, but also just wanting to chill and relax at the hotel. You had decided with Seungho that while the boys were changing and showering that you would go to the store and get snacks and a small cake for them.

You didn’t need to shower quiet yet, just deciding to wash you face and change into comfy clothes once you got to the room. The boys had showered together in small pairs, not wanting to waste water and wanting to be done faster.

As they showered, you left a note for them that you would be taking Seungho with you. Surprisingly, you managed to get snacks and drinks back to the room before they even noticed you were gone. You had managed to make the couch and table look nice, decorating it with snacks and the small cake. You even got champagne and glasses out so they could celebrate normally.

When Namjoon walked out and saw your efforts, he didn’t even blink before he was walking to you and pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“Thank you, baby.” He whispered against your lips, opening his eyes to see your own open wide in shock. He took a step back, about to ask you what was wrong before his own eyes widened.

“Oh my, baby I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think.” Namjoon spoke quickly, his hands held up as he apologized. He had taken your first kiss without a thought in his mind. He began to pace back and forth in his own little area as you stared ahead, your cheeks and neck entirely red as you couldn’t help the blush from forming.

Kim Namjoon was your first kiss. And it wasn’t a dream.

You tried to get his attention, but it was no use as he moved back and forth. Finally, you decided to just move to him, hugging him and catching him off guard. When he stopped pacing, you looked up at him, arms still around his middle.

“It’s okay.” You smiled up at him before moving away quickly, your own embarrassment catching up to you as you began to fluff the pillows on the couch and move the snacks around as you waited for the others to be done.

Namjoon couldn’t help but to blush as well, smiling down at you as he moved to grab his phone for the live. He set it up on the entertainment center across from the couch, leaning it up against the television. They hadn’t wanted to bother Sejin for his phone stand, so they went with this.

By the time everyone was done and ready, the blush on your cheeks had barely gone away, alerting everyone to your own feelings.

“What happened baby?” Jimin had smirked your direction, his tone light and teasing as he leaned on the couch.

“I uh- I kissed her.” Namjoon blurted out, making your entire bond group gawk at the tall man. Taehyung couldn’t help but to start clapping.

“Wow, Joonie! Didn’t think you had it in you.” The boys began to tease their mate, each of them getting their fill before the camera turned on and the live started.

You were sitting in the kitchen at first, your own little plate of snacks on the table as you watched them do their live from your phone, wanting to read the comments. You listened to them joke around and thank Army before the comments turned to you.

“Is Y/n okay?”

“What happened to Y/n before the show started?”

“Did Y/n almost get kicked out?”

You turned your head after a couple comments, wanting to know if the boys had seen them or not. By the way Jimin and Jungkook, who both had their own phones out for the live, turned to the others and whispered or pointed, you knew they had.

“Is Y/n okay?” Namjoon read the comment aloud, turning to Jin before answering.

“Y/n is fine, everybody. There was an incident before the show started, but everything was handled pretty quickly.” Namjoon did his best to respond in a way that didn’t explain what happened but let everyone watching know that it was settled.

“She is actually here now, watching the live as well.” Namjoon added on at the end, wanting to ensure army that you really were okay. They all were happy for how concerned their fans were for you, it made their hearts swell even larger for army.

He gestured for you to come over, much to your own contented feelings for where you were sitting. Seeing your hesitation, Jimin spoke to the camera, “Be right back army!” before moving over to where you were, placing his arms on either side of you and caging you in against the table.

“Baby girl. You don’t have to come over, but it would ease the worry and concern that army have for you. If you don’t want to, you don’t, you can always just shout out that you are okay and that everything is fine.” Jimin whispered to, remembering the conversation you had with them about being in front of the camera.

You looked over to where the boys were, trying to chat and joke around while waiting to see if you would come over. You could see them glancing over every now and then.

You knew you would probably be brought into a vilve at some point, and figure now was as good a time as any to do it. You were a part of BTS whether you liked it or not, and this was a part of the territory.

“Okay.” You whisper back, looking up at Jimin as he began to grin down at you, placing a quick kiss on your lips before moving back, winking at you and bringing you over to where Jungkook and Jin had made space for you to sit.

You felt awkward, wondering how the boys did this all the time as you relaxed into the couch. Jin and Jungkook both put an arm behind you, Jin rubbing his hand in small circles on your back.

“Army, this is our final soulmate, Y/n. Please love her like you love us.” Hobi spoke up, large smile on his lips as he gestured to you, making you smile back and wave shyly at the camera.

“Hello Army. Thank you for your concern. I am doing okay.” You answer the previously asked question, not knowing what else to say. Taehyung, thankfully, saved you from further embarrassment as he shouted out “Yoongi, marry me!”

The rest of the live turned out better than you thought. There were not many questions aimed your way, but you shared that your favorite color was blue, you were from California, and that your ult kpop groups were BTS (of course), Ateez, Iz*one, and Twice, but that you also listened to others as well.

The boys also learned something new, not even realizing that you listened to other groups besides them. They had gotten a little jealous that you liked another kpop boy group, but would wait until later to tease you.

The night ended with plenty more kisses and cuddles after the live ended, discussions of how the week would look, and falling asleep in each other’s arms as you squeezed in together on Jin and Yoongi’s bed.

Next Chapter

#bts #bts au #bts idol au #bts soulmate #bts soulmate au #bts polyamory #bts poly #bts poly!au #bts poly au #bts poly!#bts x reader #poly!bts x reader #bts x autistic!mc #bts x autistic!reader #autistic!mc #autistic reader #purpleyoonn #the line between love and war

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sheepskinnedgoat · 1 year

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I guess it's greatly possible that I have a very... I don't know, skewed perspective about stuff like abuse and harm as a mentally ill person. People say stuff so broadly and I can't begin to describe how much seeing that stuff at my lowest points harmed me and made me worse. People are very good at framing things in ways that made me feel like they don't actually believe in people healing and doing better after making really huge mistakes. Because I made BIG ones and I regret them so fucking deeply. I am fighting with the concept of self-forgiveness because I've been taught that there's no retribution for shitty and abusive behavior.

I don't want to be so bold as to lay out what happened, but I guess I might as well. My wife is encouraging me and I've been wanting to talk about it, anyway.

Trigger warning for discussion of abuse, mental health, and suicide under cut.

Last year, when my mom started dying, I started declining very rapidly and severely. I don't think I've ever outright said this because of how I've been treated in the past for being open, but I have Bipolar I Disorder. I've seen doctors and therapists on an off over the last decade+ since my diagnosis. My struggle is a common one. I'm very typical of someone with extreme mood swings and psychosis. I most frequently experience dysphoric mania, which is where my psychosis typically rears its ugly head.

In these moments until last year, all of my shitty behavior mostly involved me expressing anger and frustration with wall hitting, throwing my things to break them, hurting myself, and degrading my wife. It was not always this way, but moving away from home and having an unforgiving job lead to me falling back off my medication. Over the last 3-4 years, I have become very terrible in my health and how I act when my brain overreacts to situations and stresses around me.

Then Mom got cancer.

I began having even more cycling, lots and lots of depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, and episodes. Bad episodes. One of the holidays I was meant to go see my mom, I had a serious meltdown because I was tired of going to see how much closer she was. It was hard seeing her dying. She was worse every time I made it out, and something minor had triggered another episode. I then locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself.

My wife tried stopping me. I became physically violent and started saying really horrible things. This episode came to an end, and it seemed despite everything I had done very little physical damage to her by her own account. I do not remember much about what I actually did or said. It's like a faded dream I had once and only the outlines are left.

I had another episode I do not remember, triggered by seemingly nothing. She informed me later on I had hit her, and asked me why. I was unable to explain, because I didn't even know what she was referring to. I do now, but the overall details are gone.

Later on, not terribly long before she passed away, I tried to end things again. I recklessly drove to a graveyard on the back roads and began attempting to hurt myself. I started getting calls, my phone blowing up. I have some vague memories, but I am not sure if all of them are real. I do know I ignored my mom out of shame, but eventually answered my aunt. I think at the beginning I answered my wife and berated her before hanging up, but I'm not positive. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. I was so angry. I don't even know why. My wife remembers how it unfolded, but ultimately none of it makes sense.

That was also the day my neighbor decided to pick a fight with me about my animals, which then snowballed in her repeatedly calling animal control, lol. Did not work out the way she wanted. She kept lying to them to get them out to see them, but they could never find the starving, tortured animals. What a fucking nightmare that was on top of everything.

My mom died, and I don't really remember how I felt or reacted or what I did during that time. It's difficult, and I think it's because I have been blocking it out as much as possible. Losing my mom was something I knew would be hard, but I deeply underestimated it.

Later on in the year, I did try killing myself again. Once again she tried stopping me, and even kicked in the door. It got more physically violent than the last time and I was more vicious and cruel.

Overall, I'm stuck with guilt and shame and self-hatred. Beyond these incidents, I lapsed repeatedly into despicable actions and behavior. I frequently feel out of control, but not everything I say to her is done in these extreme episodes where I'm trying to hurt myself. Rage is unfortunately a really major symptom for me, and it's activated by some of the dumbest shit. I feel like some things have become bad habits, and I'm constantly having to talk out things with my spouse because I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of needless cruelty and vitriol.

I know what I have done is largely abusive and wrong. Things have been bad enough that I kept having long periods of not wanting help. All I have wanted is death, to not exist, to end what I'm feeling. Being angry is not fun. Being in pain sucks. Being sick is terrible. I am devastated by what I have done, but somehow my wife is holding strong and pushing me forward. Because of her, I managed to drag myself into getting therapy. I got lucky that someone in my local community is a therapist with the same disorder as me, and when she advertised openings I jumped on it, even though I didn't want to help myself.

Which is something key, that people bring up a lot online. People who don't want help are the worst, right? Irredeemable, it seems. I didn't want help. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die, but I've found a burst of driving force within myself and, as of today, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist to seek medication management. I cannot get any traction otherwise. Therapy has been helpful and my therapist is amazing, but there's no stability. I default to self-hate, guilt, and suicidality. I default to violence, though generally verbal excepting those instances of psychosis.

I can't grasp what I keep getting told by my wife and my therapist about being accountable but forgiving myself. It seems false. Impossible. It doesn't feel like I should, that doing that or pointing to my broken brain is appropriate. I'm always terrified what people will think of me if they know the truth of my struggles and how much I have hurt the person closest to me. My only support, because I keep distancing myself further and further from people.

In all of this, she gained friends that used me as a stop-gap for getting to know specifically her. It caused some rocky turmoil in our relationship. I blame myself for her mistakes there, because maybe if I hadn't been acting like a piece of shit, she wouldn't have felt so lonely. And they found out that things got bad, but not any of the details about it because they never asked or gave her a chance to explain when she wasn't distressed. I fear them and what they think of me. I fear them going out into shared queer spaces and telling all the queers I'm slowly trying to get to know that I'm a horrible abuser that beat my wife and controls her. Because they're not wrong. I don't feel like they're wrong, but they're also responsible parties in their own shitty behavior, but who would hear me after they find out I'm a terrible person?

It's... I suppose a bit self-centered, this paranoia. She tells me I don't deserve this, and that they don't matter. I'm trying to believe her, because if nothing else matters she does, and her opinions do. She has to live with me. She's married to me.

So I am untreated bipolar. It's a fucking nightmare. I fight with my abusive and toxic tendencies, that I fight to not participate in. But fighting back my unstable reactions to things is a chore and I become fatigued very often. I don't know why she endures for me, but she does. I love her, as much as I can. Sometimes I am numb, but she says she knows I love her and it makes me cry.

People are complicated. I have not always been very kind or empathetic. I only recently learned that having a hard time with empathy during mixed episodes is pretty normal for bipolar. It's not always. It's another thing that sees extreme differences depending on how I'm feeling, and I sure do feel too much too often.

I am healing myself as best as I can. I am working to do better and be better even while my brain persists on convincing me I don't want help; that I should just self-destruct. I am a human. I wish more people could see that part about me even when I'm not being a very good or nice person. I will be better someday, but it would be a lot easier if it ever felt like everyone else could give me the grace to fuck up while sick and still have room to take that accountability without feeling evil for my actions.

I have been a victim. I have been an abuser. Someday, I hope I can just be healed.

#this is long and was hard to write #of you arent going to be compassionate to the struggles my wife and i are facing i dont need the commentary #please grant me the grace of being able to post to my own blog about these experiences

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super-cerulean · 2 years

Text

2. I Took a Chance on Saving Me, That's Not a Front

❄️Master Post: All Parts

❄️Pairings: Jason Todd x Gender Neutral Reader

❄️Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Language, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of Depression and Dissociation, Angst, Slow burn

❄️Summary: Following the events of One and Only, Jason Todd's life is spiralling out of control. His best friend is dead, his family thinks he's on the verge of a meltdown, and the one person who might understand is locked up in Arkham and hates his guts. Knowing he's getting to a point where things are going to overwhelm him, he can either let himself react the way he reacts, or he can do something drastic to try and prevent the next Arkham Knight situation. Which one do you think he goes with?

❄️Links: Available on AO3

Predictably, things didn't go as smoothly as Jason tried to convince himself they would go. Something about the silence that permeated his bedroom that night made his thoughts run rampant. He tried to just push through it and busy himself with TV or digging up a case to investigate, because actually putting on the suit when he was like this was never a good idea, but at some point he couldn't focus on any of it.

He was so fucking overwhelmed, and he had no idea how to deal with it. By then, he was getting desperate and he was starting to find his thoughts dragged back to you. Maybe he felt some kind of kinship with the way you handled your emotions, or maybe he was just grasping for anything he was fixated on that felt less volatile than Roy’s death. Whatever it was, Jason had followed it’s influence and spent much of the night reliving what had happened between the two of you. As he thought, he felt a compulsion beginning to form in the back of his mind.

It was a terrible idea, that much Jason was sure of immediately. He knew it was idiotic as he'd been hacking into Arkham's network and searching for your files, yet a part of him was a little too hopeful too stop himself. He had to at least try to help you. His conscience was eating itself alive while you rotted in that sorry excuse for a mental health institution. He couldn't give up; not when he was living some semblance of a fulfilling life despite everything he'd done. If he got a second and third chance, you deserved one too. At least, that was the reasoning he was comfortable with for now. He didn't want to delve too deep into how alone he'd really felt and how much he craved understanding from someone else.

The system was ridiculously easy to get into, and he was pretty confident you were the least of the asylum's problems. He found your record easily, and as expected you were the model inmate. They probably wouldn't even notice if he snatched you out of there, but he wanted to do things the right way...well as right as things can be when he'd be forging documents to arrange for your release. What he was really worried about was getting you to agree to come with him. He was fairly certain that the moment he walked into the same room as you, his plan would be over immediately. He needed a face you didn't know, and someone who he could trust not to get too involved. So, once the business side of things was arranged, he decided to head on over to Gotham academy to spend some time with his newest sibling.

It didn't take much convincing from Alfred to take over driving Duke home from school. The older man had tried not to be obvious about it, but he was relieved to see Jason in the manor and offering to be more involved with the family. Jason was thankful for that, especially because it meant he got the town car without having to answer too many questions. Things were lining up perfectly so far.

"Uh…Hi?" Duke furrowed his eyebrows when he noticed Jason was the one standing outside of the school waiting for him, suspicion slipping onto his expression. "You're driving me home?"

"Eventually, but we've got a quick stop to make first."

Duke paused, narrowing his eyes a little and making a face that Jason knew meant he wasn't going anywhere until he got more information. Honestly, he'd have been a terrible superhero if he didn't question such a shady situation, so Jason didn't take it personally when he had to explain himself more.

"I have this friend, and I need to talk to them but they're kinda pissed at the moment, so I can't be the first person they see."

"Meaning you want me to trick someone into meeting with you?"

"Pretty much. I just need a chance to talk to them in private."

"...Where do we have to go?"

Jason somehow managed to get Duke into the car without having to explain all the gritty details. It was very likely that he wouldn't have gotten in if he knew they were picking you up from Arkham. Predictably, he was a little upset when he found out.

"Jason, what the Hell do you got me doing?"

"Nothing bad. Like I said, I have a friend I need to talk to."

"In Arkham Asylum?"

"Yeah, but look: I already handled everything, and they're not high profile. It's just walking in and out."

"And by 'handled' you mean you hacked into the system and forged their release, right? Yeah, go ahead and start the car back up."

"C'mon, please? I swear, this person's harmless, and I took care of everything you could get in trouble for. It's just a quick walk in, and walk out."

"Why do you need to see them so badly in the first place?"

"Because…" Jason hesitated. He was asking for a lot of trust from Duke, yet he found himself hesitant to cross that same bridge. Frowning, he tried to find the best way to word the truth to make himself seem less impulsive. "We've kinda got history, and I fucked them over the last time we talked. I owe them a second chance."

"And the reason you said they're mad at you is because of what you did. What was it?"

"…a lot, actually. Enough to want to be in Arkham rather than around me, so."

Duke hesitated at that, looking apprehensive to become involved in the shit storm that was Jason's relationships. Maybe it wasn't fair of him to ask the younger man to get involved, but Jason needed to be able to do this without the others getting involved. They wouldn't understand and he wasn't confident he could explain it to them. He wasn't wasn't sure if he understood why he needed to see you again himself, but he did know that he was desperately looking for something to focus on besides Roy’s death.

"Look, I know I don't necessarily have the best track record, but I swear this isn't anything crazy. It's just...it's personal and something I need to do on my own."

"Yeah, I get that," Duke said, expression shifting to something closer to pity. “I got you this time, but next time be a little less shady about it.”

"I swear I’ll be more forthright next time. I seriously owe you, thanks."

"You sure do.."

Jason tried not to show it, but the closer they got to the Asylum, the more anxious he was becoming. He hadn't seen you since the night you'd given him that ultimatum. When he'd shot you and begged you to spare Artemis and the city. He hadn't seen her in a while either, but she had her own problems to deal with.

Finally, just as it began to snow again, Jason wound the car up the long road to the Asylum. It hadn't been paved nearly as much as the main roads, so he took care in driving slowly through the thick snow. The delayed ascent only made his nerves worse, so he tried to subtly wipe the sweat from his hands. Duke didn’t seem to notice, shuffling his bags out of the way and shrugging off his school blazer.

"I’ve got an ear piece in case things go sideways, but I doubt you’ll run into trouble," Jason explained once they had parked. Duke nodded, tucking the small device into his ear and rolling his shoulders. He was pretty relaxed for someone who’s been thrown into Jason’s admittedly shitty plan without much preamble.

Once he was settled, Jason went over the plan with him in more detail. He gave him your name, and instructed Duke to follow Arkham's release process and to bring you out to where he'd parked the car. As they spoke, he turned off the car and stepped outside, making sure Duke looked official enough when he did the same.

"Anything else I should know before I commit a felony?"

"It’s not really a felony. At least not a serious one. And no, there’s nothing to worry about." Jason may not know everything you got into working for Oswald, but he knew you weren’t a killer. On a good day, at least.

"Thank God. Guess I'll see you on the other side then?"

"Yep. If you need any help at all, I put a panic button in the pocket if the jacket. It'll send an alert to my phone and I can come to your rescue."

"Roger that," Duke said, and with a quick salute he started off towards the Asylum. Jason waited until he was already inside to reach back into the car and fish out a cigarette to smoke while he waited. He needed something to do other than quietly panic. Was he making a huge mistake? He was pretty sure you'd never wanted to see him again after everything happened. You hated him, after all. But was rotting in Arkham any better? The least he could do was let you out. He couldn't force you to let him help, but he could at least give you your freedom back.

Jason managed to smoke through about half of the cigarette before the doors to the Asylum opened again. He saw the top of Duke's head, and quickly moved to sit inside the car, letting the door hang open. He needed you to get closer before you realized what was happening.

Duke walked around to where Jason was sitting, looking at him expectantly as you shuffled nearer to the car. Jason took one more long drag of smoke before he stamped it out and stood to face you. His heart was hammering so intensely that he was afraid you'd hear it, and he had to drag his gaze upwards to your face. He expected fireworks; anger, yelling and pleading on his end to convince you not to march right back into the Asylum. You'd always been good at surpassing his expectations though, and Jason wasn't sure what to do with the silence he was met with.

The snow had lightened it's descent enough to give him a clear view of the parking lot and the shocked eyes staring his way. He wasn't sure what to make of your expression. It wasn't anything near a hateful glare, to which he was grateful for, but the subtle tug of your eyebrows bothered him and he wasn't sure why. Somehow you looked simultaneously exactly the same and totally different. You didn't say anything, but he could hear the echoes of your voice. The last thing you'd said to him and his last words going back and forth in his head like they were playing tennis, and he'd probably have spun himself dizzy if you hadn't finally found your voice in the extended silence.

"I should have known you were behind this."

Duke shifted back and forth a bit awkwardly on his heels, and Jason took a quick second to glance towards the car. He caught on quickly, seeming grateful to have his own escape from the situation as he hurried into the passengers side of the car. Jason returned his attention to you once he did, squaring his shoulders and taking a bold step forwards. Immediately you took your own step back, shoulders hiking up almost defensively. Jason stopped in his tracks.

"Don't. Why are you here?"

"Because...you don't belong in Arkham."

"Yeah, I do," you scoffed, disbelieving. "You know I do, don't act like you don't."

"You made mistakes, sure, but that doesn't mean you should rot in that hell for the rest of your life. I've done shit too, you know that."

"It's not the same."

"Yeah, it is." Jason took another step forward, and this time you didn't move away. He scanned your face, coming close enough to feel like he wasn't yelling at you across the parking lot. He could see you shivering through your coat, and he was sure it wasn't from the cold.

"I did the shit I did in the past because I was hurting and I know you were the same. I know you're not a bad person, and I know I didn't give you many options-"

"It wasn't your fault." Jason stopped in the middle of his sentence when you spoke up, his own brows coming together in confusion. You dropped your gaze to his feet momentarily, then shifted it up and away from him entirely as you continued.

"There was nothing you could have done, Jason. It wasn't your fault I felt the way I did and did what I did. I just…I lost myself. I wanted you more than anyone or anything I'd ever wanted in my life, and I didn't know what to do. I still don't." You broke off, voice pitching and you swore quietly. Jason's heart lurched watching you swipe at your eyes impatiently, still trying not to look at him.

"I don't know why it happened, but all this time I've been here I've just been so fucking ashamed of it all. Nothing I did was okay, and it wasn't okay to put you through it all. And the worst part is, no matter how awful I feel, I still don't regret doing any of it. Because it meant I got to spend that time with you that I had. It's so fucked up, Jesus christ. I hate the person I became to be near you and I hate that I'd probably do it again if I had the chance to feel like that again. So…just fucking leave me here, okay? This is where I'm supposed to be."

He was being selfish. The thought ripped through Jason's mind as quickly and as violently as a bullet, and he felt it ricochet from his head to his chest. His heart hurt watching you. He could only imagine how you felt watching him come back into your life when you felt the way you did. He knew, in every part of his mind that he should leave you alone. If not in Arkham, somewhere far away where you could hopefully heal and forget about him. Yet, he didn't want you to. He could say it was for heroic reasons all he wanted, but really he needed someone around who understood how he felt, and as far as he knew you were the only person who could.

"It doesn't have to be like this. I don't know how or if I can for sure, but I want to at least try to help you. Please, at least let me do that much."

Your head tilted back, eyes closed as you breathed in and out slowly. Jason didn't move. He was afraid to even breath before you responded, worried about what your response would be. He could see you were tired, likely struggling with the emotional weight of seeing him and dredging up all of your feelings again. He was sorry you had to, and sorry he wasn't strong enough to find some other way to keep his thoughts away from Roy.

Your eyes opened finally, looking as watery as they had before and like you were losing the fight against your tears. For a moment you just watched him, and Jason was glad he couldn't see his own expression in your eyes from where he was standing. He didn't want to even imagine what he looked like, begging someone to fight for something they'd already given up on for his sake.

"It'll be okay," he whispered. It could have been to convince you, or to convince himself for all he knew, but it felt like he needed to say it.

"Fuck," you said eventually. It wasn't an agreement, but it wasn't a denial either. He wasn't sure if you believed him, but you moved towards the car. You were willing to try. Jason hurriedly pulled open the door to the back seat, finally feeling like he could breathe when you climbed in. He shut your door once you were safely inside, settling into the front and buckling in before any of you could change your mind.

Thankfully, when he glanced at Duke in the back, he was tugging out a pair of headphones from his ears and pushing them back into their case. Jason would have to make this up to him somehow. For being there to help and doing something he wasn't comfortable with for Jason's sake, and for respecting his privacy. For now, he caught the younger boy's eye, and gave an appreciative nod. Duke didn't say anything, but gave a small nod in return. He didn't look back at Arkham the entire time they drove away. In the turmoil of getting you the hell out of there, he'd forgotten how much he hated that place. Hopefully he wouldn't have to come back anytime soon. Not for you, at least, and not for a while.

The car ride was tense for a long time, at least until Jason had made it back into the heart of the city. Traffic was hellish at that time of day, so it wasn't much of a surprise that the three of you ended up in the middle of a traffic jam, especially with the snow falling everywhere across the city. He wasn't sure what to say to break the awkward air, and Duke certainly didn't have any ideas with the way he was scrolling endlessly on his phone. Eventually, once the silence had seemed like it would stretch on forever, your voice was the one to break through.

"I guess you're not really my parole officer," you said, leaning a bit to get a better look at Duke. "You did look kinda young."

"Yeah...I don't know how any of them believed that," he said, laughing a little. "I'm Duke"

Jason didn't say anything as the two of you exchanged names. He hadn't known how to introduce the younger man outside of his name considering the reaction he'd gotten mentioning they were technically brothers or something before. Stephanie and the others had distracted him, but Jason remembered seeing something in Duke's reaction that looked upset at the label. It certainly wasn't his business to pry or push the idea, so he left it alone for the time being. Until he knew more, he'd settle for keeping their relationship general as Duke explained that Bruce Wayne was his guardian now.

"This is our second time hanging out, actually," Jason offered after Duke had mentioned Jason kidnapping him after school.

"Interesting second impression," you said, eyebrows raised a little. Jason fiddled with the heat a bit, cranking it up and down after deciding the temperature was probably fine.

"Yeah. How long have you two been friends?"

"Friends?" You mimicked, and when Jason looked into the rear view again, you looked pretty amused at that. Your gaze cut up to catch Jason’s in the mirror, and he internally cursed himself out for looking away as soon as you did.

"Is that what we are?"

“We were at one point.”

“But not anymore?” Duke asked, peering curiously between you and Jason. He seemed caught between wanting to be suspicious and amused by the reaction he'd gotten, watching Jason carefully when he made to respond.

“It's a work in progress.”

“Right,” you said, and Jason had a hard time deciphering your tone. Deciding the conversation had taken a tense turn, he reached for the radio and bathed the car in Christmas carols for the rest of the drive.

Duke was nodding off by the time Jason parked the car. He sat upright once the car was stationary, glancing around and reorienting himself. Finally, his eyes landed on the blue neon sign illuminating the snowy street he’d parked on the side of.

“A laundromat?”

“Yeah. It’s a lot more clever when you see the inside,” Jason said, as he pushed a sly grin onto his face. You didn’t say anything, rolling your eyes as you climbed out of the car. He turned to Duke when you did, stopping him from unbuckling himself. “Wait here.”

He left the keys in the ignition as Duke gave a disappointed affirmation, then slid out of the car himself and crossed the distance to the front door, pulling it open for you to slip inside first.

“Thanks,” you mumbled. The laundromat was quiet, as it usually was, with muted ramblings playing on the small TV set up near the back. Jason had been hoping it’d be empty, but unfortunately Gothamites tended to treat the time as a loose guideline, making patterns and routines as they pleased. Naturally, one of the regulars Jason had been hoping not to see was inside.

Taking up a washer and dryer close to the TV stood one of the nosiest old men he’d ever met. He’d immediately abandoned his enthrallment in the Gotham vs. Metropolis football game to watch the two of you walk into the room, and Jason knew by the raised eyebrow that questions were incoming.

“Night, Mr. Leoni,” Jason grunted. If it were someone else, the short greeting might have dissuaded them from further investigation. Mr Leoni, however, was hard to shake. Jason was pretty sure he’d been in the Falcone mob at some point with the gritty confidence he always carried, but he'd never really looked into it to be sure. All he cared about now was that the man tended to ask too many questions when Jason came home through the dingy laundromat.

“Yeah, yeah. Pretty late for guests, ain’t it?”

“Don’t you have a game to watch?”

“We’re crushin’ em, anyway. 5-0,” he smirked. Jason watched his gaze shift away from himself, eyeing you instead. “Anthony Leoni; pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Jason scowled, ushering for you to continue walking as you introduced yourself. He ignored the teasing ‘have a nice night’ coming from the other room as he led you through the back room. There was a locked storage room and another door with higher security that led to his current home. The building had been a front for one of Maroni’s gangs back when money laundering was still a literal term. Jason had found it a while back and converted the massive basement into a sort of condo space. The first door required a set of generic keys, but the second was a combination of biometrics and a six-digit passcode. He’d probably need to add you to that eventually.

“Ah, I get it now: money laundering,” you mused. Jason cracked a half smile as the second set of locks clicked, pushing the door open and moving out of your way. You wandered into the renovated space, seeming impressed with how it looked. Jason hung back by the door for a moment, trying to imagine what would be going through your mind.

“I don’t actually have a spare, so you can just take my room for now.”

“You know I have my own place, right?”

“The one you tried to blow up?” Jason heard you scoff, despite being a lot further into the room than him. “I think the cops seized that one.”

“That wasn't my only spot,” you replied, shooting him an unimpressed look. “I'd be pretty fucking stupid to show you my only base of operations and try to blow it up.”

“Valid. But we should probably wait to send you over there until we’re sure the release sticks. You never know when Arkham’s going to suddenly follow the rules and find some competency.”

“If you insist,” you hummed, fingers trailing along the couch Jason would be sleeping on. You stopped suddenly, a dark look crossing your expression. “I can’t tell if you’re being naive or insanely overconfident about all of this.”

“What do you mean?”

“You seriously want me to live with you? To sleep in your bed, after everything I did and how I felt?”

“Even if you are still trying to kill me, you wouldn’t get the chance,” Jason replied, knowing he was dodging the root of your question. “So I guess I'm overconfident.”

He heard you let out a quiet laugh, and after a moment of consideration, you seemed to decide on following his tangent away from your words.

“There you go underestimating me.”

“I won’t make that mistake again, trust me.” Jason cringed at the memory of how far into desperation you’d been able to drive him. He tried not to think about how he’d gone from shooting you to kissing you in such a short span of time, or how vividly he remembered doing both.

“You good here for now? I gotta take your parole officer back home; it’s a school night.”

“I guess so.” Jason waited for further explanation, but by the way you settled onto his couch and flicked on his TV, it didn’t seem he would be getting one. He wasn’t sure what else to say, and he was content with the rocky sort of understanding the two of you had fallen into, so he decided to just head out without another word.

Duke was still waiting in the car when Jason got back, talking quietly on the phone. By the time Jason actually got into the car, he’d already hung up and was tucking under his thigh. Jason focused on starting the car and running the past few hours over in his head again. It was going way too easy, especially for something so hastily put together and chaotic. He had to be missing something.

“Alfred said dinner’s almost ready,” Duke explained after a while of sitting in silence. “He asked if you wanted to join us?”

“I probably shouldn’t.” If it wasn’t for the recently sprung arkham inmate wandering around his house, it’d be the scattered thoughts Jason was still trying to sort through. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow anyway, for the tree thing. If I stay too long, they may try to keep me overnight.”

“That does sound like something they'd do,” Duke chuckled. “Seems like you have your hands full anyway.”

“Understatement of the century.”

“I don't really know what your plan is or who that was, but…if you need anything else, I don't mind helping you out.”

“I'd have thought you'd run for the hills the next time I asked for a favor after today,” Jason replied, glancing over and catching the strange seriousness in Duke's eyes.

"I probably should, but it was kinda nice being away from it all. Or at least, around someone who doesn't treat me like a new puppy or a charity case. Believe it or not, I do actually notice that you go out of your way to be chill."

"We all kind of had shitty pasts, but as the resident street-rat turned basket case I get it."

"Yeah, and honestly? Sometimes that's the best thing. Just…being around someone who gets it."

Jason nodded, feeling a light sort of validation settle into his chest. He may have been impulsive in his decision to break you out of Arkham, but at least there had been some sense of logic behind it. A companionship that even Duke seemed to understand as an outsider to the Wayne family dynamics. Maybe that meant Jason wasn't as unhinged as he'd thought he was.

#jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #jason todd angst #red hood angst #jason todd slow burn #red hood slow burn #one and only #just say the word

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sincelastsession · 3 months

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Oh mom and dad and friends can all have difficult times but if I do the fuck me I guess.

Why is it though that people don't care? Where is the "no fucks given up my own ass" born?

Because today there were 3 unattended children at the pool all under 13. Then two unrelated white dudes. So I called the courtesy officer and then immediately went outside when one of the men started trying to talk to the girls.

They eventually went back to apartment 60 and the old men left immediately after.

I cared because I didn't want to see kids abused etc... by two shady ass dudes. BUT THEIR OWN MOTHER DOESN'T CARE.

My parents told me they'd move me by July or end of August.

Now I have to wait until September.

Despite the fucking noise I do have physical disabilities.

Then another fucking family came out that doesn't live here and left the kids so I had to call brpd

Now we have another huge family who has hopped the fence screaming and crying and the officer said he was coming out.

I'm so fucking sick of talking to police officers.

I've spoken to 3 of them. THREE.

I'm treated like I'm crazy.

I'm so tired of this shit.

I have BEGGED my parents to answer the phone in real actual tears. They don't care.

Don't nobody fuckin understand me nor do they try nor do they give a fuck.

I'll probably wake up to my shit knocked over or something.

My parents think I'm insane and have told me to shut the fuck up and quit calling them.

Honestly I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't even relax to take care of myself.

They have just put the blame back on me for some reason which I don't understand.

They don't seem to understand that I'm having both APTSD episode and autistic meltdown they don't know how to deal with that I've asked them to learn please I've asked them nicely so many times

I don't have anybody else to call

I don't have a life because I can't calm down to go out to go places to have a life

But he tells me to get a life and it's like I'm trying fuck

When you have to live in a place that's super loud when you have mental issues that are from legitimately bad bad traumas

It is hell

I don't like having to take any of the medicine that I have to take but I have to take it every day

And I'm so tired of being treated like shit

They're gonna end up planning a fucking funeral instead of helping me

And they'll probably fuck that up and I'll have to hold everybody.

And these are just intrusive thoughts right now and I don't mean any of that.

I'm angry though because they don't understand that 1 day I might lose touch with reality like I have before that's how I got my original diagnosis of complex PTSD I just lost my fucking mind. I thought that you know everybody was trying to hurt me and attack me and I wasn't even safe in the hospital

But I've never been safe

And The Times that I thought I was safe with somebody or in some place it backfired and everything went to shit.

Like I just want to be loved and this is hell.

At this point I don't know at this point in time if I care about how mean I am to other people right now.

Because they do nothing but hurt me when no one else is around

Everybody fucking hurts me

Everybody treats me like a fucking insane and I'm not

I wish I had the money to fucking leave and never come back.

And they talk to each other behind my back about me they're just waiting for an excuse to put me in a psychfacility I'm just waiting for it

It doesn't matter that I'm gonna be abused by staff members of hospitals and psychfacilities and all of that it doesn't matter that that happened

Because I'm crazy and who would believe me

Because that's what everybody says about me

I'm so tired and I hate everything and it hurts so much in my chest everything hurts

It literally feels like there's just a giant hole in my chest all the time. And I hear people complaining about depression and it makes me want to scream at them because I don't even know why

It's just like I don't think people know real pain

I'm sure some do

But nobody knows my story and nobody gives a fuck

Nobody seems to understand that I'm having problems that are unrelated to manipulative behavior which everybody thinks that I do

I'm not trying to control or manipulate or fuck with anybody's head. Those thoughts don't even cross my mind and when they do it's usually because somebody has recently brought it up saying that I am manipulating and I'm doing this and I'm having a pity party at all of that and I'm not doing that.

What I'm scared of is A multitude of things.

My parents don't even know me.

They don't want to listen to me talk they don't care they want be to shut up.

I'm trying to order that together and they don't understand

They do not understand that I can lose touch with reality and flip out completely and I'm trying not to do that

And I'm scared that that is going to happen and I keep trying to tell them when they think I'm threatening them

I'm like you guys better plan for a fucking funeral then because if you guys continue to put me in a stressful condition like this and treat me like crap and blame everything on me and switch it up on me and cherry pick things from online articles and throw it in my face and use therapy against me and all that other crap then no they're not going to have a daughter because it's going to end up making me die

I have a brand new heart problem on top of all this and stress is not helping that either.

I'm not prescribed enough anxiety medicine to actually call me down completely it just slightly sedates me and that's not even working because I'm overpowering it.

Not consciously but that's what's happening.

I haven't even fucking eaten today because I can't

Because if I eat I'm gonna fucking throw up

I really just don't feel loved or cared for and I don't care how many times my parents need to tell me otherwise because they're just liars

It's hard to believe anything that they say

Everybody has me misunderstood completely and I don't know how to explain myself to them

I don't have the perfect vanacular it works to use

Every therapist I have had things that they have me pinned and they know what's going on

But they don't

I don't think you do either

I'm not doing these things that I've been accused of doing

I do actually have all of these diagnoses and sometimes unfortunately you have to go by the diagnosis treatments because that's what helps

I don't think that I'm being irrational. I don't think that anything that can be construed as a cognitive distortion is irrational right now

I think that my feelings are extremely valid.

But I don't think anybody cares about my feelings.

And nobody understands that I am in mental agony

Nobody understands what it's like to be autistic until they actually get the diagnosis and they're like oh my God this is why I've been like this my whole life

And this world is the built for people like me

The only people that understand my ptsd are fucking military people

To everybody else I'm just full of shit and making things up and haven't cognitive distortions and I can't shut up and I can't hold a fucking thought to save my life like gun head if I had to hold on to a thought I would end up getting shot

I mean it's 9:32 PM and there's people still at the pool screaming and hollering after 2 police officer vis it's and it's over a normal amount of sound

My fucking chest hurts.

And you know I really don't think that people care

They say they do but how can I trust that I don't really trust anybody

How could I trust anybody with some of the first interactions I've had with people have been literal child abuse pedophilia

And that's not my only trauma I can't even list all of them.

Some of them are so fucking hard to talk about that it just makes me want to run away immediately

I hate that I'm screaming into a phone crying because no one else will listen.

Yeah I hate that I'm about to just journal everything because no one really cares

I hate that I'm 37 and I feel like a little kid right now

Give me all I really need is for somebody to give me a hug and tell me it's gonna be okay and be reassuring and loving and caring and I'd never got that unless I was fucking dying the fucking hospital

I don't understand this world that I live in.

I have never understood why I was bullied.

I don't understand a lot and yeah I talk okay I don't sound autistic I don't act autistic as much as other people but that doesn't mean that I'm not.

I feel like if I had the money and could pay somebody to watch my cats and could fill up my car and pack a bag and just drive that I would probably make it to the Canadian border and all through 20 different states before people even noticed I was gone

But I get too much anxiety leaving my apartment to go to the fucking grocery store which is something that I never imagined myself doing

Why am I being put through all of this

I am nothing but nice to people and then they are awful to me and then they wonder why I snap back

Yeah because I show them a mirror of their bullshit and they don't like it so they hang up or they yell at me or they treat me like shit I can't help that I do those things though

All I have known how to do my whole life is to watch other people and copy what they do because I don't know how to be a person very well it's just a copy of a fucking copy of a fucking copy I'm just mirroring I'm just creating a mask so I feel safe enough to be in a space with other people because I don't feel like I'm welcome

I have never felt like my entirety has been welcome in any space

I'm so tired and I'm just want to sleep it's going to be held and I just want to be loved

And I can't even trust another person to do that properly because they'll take advantage of me

And I don't want to go to a cycle facility and I don't want to have my medicine fucked with

And I miss my old saying kai interested actually fucking stud me figured me out it was the only person that had me figured out

He knew and he understood what I went through

And this new Doctor he understands what I'm going through with the PTSD and with the abuse

But he didn't really doesn't even fucking care unless I give him money for an appointment and I can't afford a psychotherapy appointment on top of regular appointments from my medicine

And I see you and I talk to you and I don't think we're looking at the right things I don't think that we're focusing on the correct things

I feel like everybody is so focused about how I speak in the fact that I interrupt because I can't hold on to a fucking thought to save my life and I don't know how to fix that and if I did holy shit I would

I am very aware of how I act and how that looks to people no matter if I'm or not

You know I told my dad that he damaged my neck like I have damaged soft tissue from him ripping my head down to the ground almost while my sister was attacking me

He didn't give a fuck he told me he didn't give a fuck

He's still doesn't care that I've had to speak with police officers today and that I'm in distress he doesn't give a shit he thinks I'm spoiled he wants me to show you all the text messages that I sent that we're completely logical except for the last one where I exploded

I mean what am I supposed to do I don't have money to go leave my apartment and go places

I don't feel comfortable by myself in the library because I've how many weirdos just approach me

I don't know why weirdo's keep approaching me no matter where I am I feel like a fucking magnet for them

I've read plenty of articles that saying that people who have been abused especially in early childhood are going to be targets as they get older and that's true that I am proof of that and I didn't even know it I'm like oh why is this happening oh it's because I'm somehow magically giving off target energy

I'm not fucking aware of what it is that I'm doing wrong and then when people tell me I don't quite understand that either because it's so far-fetched from what I'm actually saying or doing that it doesn't make any sense to me

I'm tired of being in this apartment I'm tired of not being able to get out and go places because the only person that can give me a ride is Travis and he goes to bed early and I'm not mad at him about that I'm just aggravated that I can't see very well at night anymore because I'm getting older and so I can't go to all these events that all my friends want me to go to

And none of these people are really my friends anyway. I don't really think that anybody knows what friendship is anymore. Because the same people that invite me to go out are the same people that hang around with other people who hate my fucking guts and talk shit about me and spread bullshit around the friend community and then I have to hear about it from someone else Eventually

Like there's a giant rumor going around that me and Travis are dating which I have had to tell people multiple times that that is not what is happening

Also I'm an untrustworthy bitch according to Bonnie and everybody who's friends with her ass

Then the people who are neutral I don't quite understand it's like okay so you're gonna go on a before marriage trip to fucking Mexico with my ex best friend who is a heinous bitch and made fun of a sober person and the person that overdosed that I care about

Why is it that the meanest motherfuckers get away with so much.

I mean do I need to start being mean all the time

What's the difference between being assertive and mean because I try to be assertive all the time but everybody calls me a bitch and I'm like oh great wonderful so I failed that again

Why do all these people get away with shit and it's OK

Why is it me that's always the problem?

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godtears · 4 months

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Whenever someone is like "people who are schizophrenic are ALL mean awful bad people" I know that the only time they've ever interacted with a schizophrenic person, it was through r/schizophrenia on Reddit.

A lot of people on there are VERY comfortable with triggering other people into delusional episodes and etc. If you don't hold the same exact views as them. I actually had people dog piling me telling me repeatedly that I'm not actually schizophrenic and were gaslighting me about my diagnosis. It caused me to have a full blown episode and meltdown and I almost got hurt. It kickstarted my current depression. I ended up eventually abandoning Reddit altogether because of it, despite being an active mod in r/Furby. It was bad.

But outside of that? Every interaction I've had with a fellow schizo spectrum person has been pleasant. There is a sub reddit I got personally invited to that's only schizophrenic people and it's all about giving support to each other. And everyone on there is so kind and accepting and open. And people I've met in person have been so nice to me and even excited to meet me!

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whoreofabuckethead · 5 months

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Feel free to scroll

I genuinely don't expect anyone to care about this, but I had an autistic meltdown tonight over being fucking autistic and like post meltdown I feel like shit.

I know the people in my life don't view me as broken. Most of them would tell you that it's quite the opposite and I'm the one who helps put people back together. But despite all that love, despite all the people who have said to my face that I'm not broken, they don't live in my head. I'm almost 30, and I can't regulate my own sleep schedule. I struggle to get out of bed because every morning I wake up and have to fight my bodies urge to stay in the warm, safe spot I'm in. Cause none of us should be forced to work. Not a single human should be forced to labor. Yet here we are. If I don't work, I'll lose health insurance. I'm disabled. I can not lose access to healthcare. We can't afford to live if we don't have 2 incomes. We are finally getting on stable ground with our money. I don't have to ask my parents to help me pay bills anymore. It took me over 4 years to get back here. Back to financial independence after my depression pushed me so far, I did lose a job and the healthcare that came with it. I'm doing things different this time. I'm not alone, I'm not living with people who barely tolerate me. I have an actual support system, including a therapist.....

I gotta keep trying cause I might be broken, but eventually, I'll find the right tools or pieces....somewhere.

#needed it out of my brain #and the physical journal was in my bag #in the basement #and i am upstairs #so tumblr diary time #what my blog has always been at its core #personal

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likealittleheartbeat · 4 years

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I deeply appreciate how ATLA depicts all the main characters responses to trauma. Aang’s, for me, however, stands out for its rareness in media. And we are not hammered over the head with the idea that Aang (or any other characters) repeatedly act certain ways because of a single traumatic event. Sure, there are key moments in our lives when a certain event comes to the forefront, but no one experiences the world as constant flashbacks. Rather, we see only in retrospect the way our sarcastic sense of humor or our heightened friendliness were protective responses to a deep emotional injury. Being able to understand Aang’s approach to loss is essential for the show. The structure of the series is founded on his arc (despite an incredible foil provided by Zuko). Our little air nomad initially confronts the loss of his people with a full-on meltdown in the episode “The Southern Air Temple,” where Katara’s offering of familial belonging soothes him. But this kind of outburst is not Aang’s primary response (and actually the literally out-of-character apocalyptic tantrums align with Aang’s overall process of grieving). Instead of constantly brooding (hey Zuko!), Aang leans heavily toward the monk’s pacifist teachings and toward his assumed destiny “to save the world.” He becomes overtly accommodating and joyful, constantly trying to see “the good” in everything with a perfectionist’s zeal. This is not to ascribe his bubbliness only to his trauma. Rather, he comes to emphasize this part of his personality for reasons related to the negative emotions he struggles to face. Book 1: Water

In the first season, Aang is simply rediscovering his place in the world. “Water is the element of change. The people of the water tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a sense of community and love that holds them together.” This is vital to Aang as he initially faces his experience. He won’t get through this if he is not prepared for his life to change. Even if he hadn’t been frozen for 100 years, his world would never be the same. This fact involves eventually finding new people that he feels safe with. After such a massive loss, he’s learning who to trust, and also often making mistakes; not only does he find Sokka and Katara (and I’d argue he’s actually slow to truly open up to them), this is the season where he helps save a fire nation citizen who betrays him to soldiers, befriends the rebel extremist Jet, and attempts to befriend an actively belligerent Zuko (his moral complexity had only JUST! been revealed to the kid!). He’s constantly offering trust to others and seeking their approval in opposition to the deep well of shame and guilt he carries as a survivor of violence. This is also the season where Aang swears off firebending after burning Katara in an overeager attempt to master the element (one will note how fire throughout the series is aligned with, above all else, assertiveness and yang). Aang is so eager to be seen as morally good to others that he refuses to risk any possible harm to them. And asserting himself carries a danger, in one sense, that he might make a mistake and lose someone’s positive regard, and, in another sense, that he is replicating the anger and violence he’s witnessed. He has no relationship to his anger at this stage of his grief, so it comes out uncontrollably, both in firebending and the Avatar State. It’s through the patience of his new family that he can begin to feel unashamed about his past and about the ways his shame is finding (sometimes violent) expression in the present. Book 2: Earth In the second season he begins to trust himself and stand his ground. Earth, after all, is the element of substance, persistence, and endurance. The “Bitter Work” episode encapsulates how Aang must come to a more sturdy sense of his values. First, there is the transition of pedagogical style. While Katara emphasized support and kindness, Toph insists on blunt and threatening instruction, not for a lack of care towards Aang. Instead, it’s so Aang learns how to stop placing the desires of others above his own--to stop accommodating everyone else above his own needs. Toph taunts Aang by stealing one of the few keepsakes from the monastery that he holds onto. This attachment to the lost airbending culture is echoed in the larger arc with Appa. And, by the end of this episode, it is Aang’s attachment to Sokka that allows him to stand firm. This foreshadows the capital T Tragic downfall in the “Crossroads of Destiny.” Aang gives up his attachment to the other member of his new found family, Katara, despite his moral qualms. Although he has access to all the power of the Avatar state, his sacrifice is not rewarded. Season 2 illustrates Aang coming to terms with his values. He is learning about what he stands for, what holds meaning to him. Understanding himself also includes integrating his grief, and there’s a lonely and dangerous aspect to that exploration. We see Aang’s anger and hopelessness over longer stretches rather than outbursts in this season. It’s hard to watch and hard to root for him. That depressive state leads to actions that counter his previous sense of morality, as he decisively kills an animal, treats his friends unkindly, and blames others for his loss. Letting these harsher feelings emerge is an experiment, and most people discover their boundaries by crossing them. Finding ways to hold compassion for himself, even the harm he causes others, is the other side of this process. Our past and our challenging emotions are a part of us, but they are only a part. Since Aang now has a strong sense of community and is learning to be himself rather than simply seeking validation, we also see him having more healthy boundaries with new people. He’s no longer befriending villains in the second season! He’s respectful and trusting enough, but he’s not putting himself in vulnerable situations nor blindly trusting everyone. Instead, he’s more likely to listen to his friends’ opinions or think about how the monks might’ve been critical towards something (they’re complaints about Ba Sing Se, for example). By knowing what he cares for, he can know himself, the powerful, loving, grief-struck monk. And he can trust that, though he might not be everyone’s favorite person, he does not need to feel ashamed or guilty for who he is or what he’s been through. Book 3: Fire However, despite a sense of self and a sense of belonging, Aang and the group still find themselves constantly asking for permission throughout their time in Ba Sing Se. It’s in the third season, Fire, that initiative and assertiveness become the focus. And who better to provide guidance in this than the official prince of “you never think these things through,” Zuko. It’s no longer a time for avoidance or sturdy defensiveness. It is the season of action. Fire is the element of power, desire, and will, all of which require us to impact others. We see the motif of initiative throughout the season: the rebels attempt to storm the Firelord on the Day of the Black Sun; Aang attempts to share his feelings and kiss Katara; Katara bends Hama and a couple of fire nation soldiers to her will. In each of these examples, the initiators face disgrace. Positive intent does not bring forth success, by any means, only more consequences to be dealt with. This is perhaps Aang’s biggest challenge. He is afraid that his actions will fail, or worse, they will succeed but he will be wrong in what he has chosen. The sequencing in the series, here, is important. We have already seen how Aang has worked to care for (and appreciate) the well-being of others and how he has learned to care for his own needs. With this in mind, he should be able to trust that his actions will derive from these wells of compassion. But easier said than done. Compassion can also trap him into indecision, hearkening back to his avoidant mistake in the storm, in which the whole mess began. Aang’s internal conflict, here, becomes more pronounced as the finale draws nearer. I think it’s especially significant that we witness Aang disagreeing with his mentors and friends. He must act in a way that will contradict and even threaten his sources of support if he is to trust his own desires. Even the fandom disagrees about the choice Aang makes, which further highlights the fact that making a decisive choice is contentious. There is no point in believing it will grant you love or admiration or success. For someone who began (and spent much of) the series regularly sacrificing himself just to bring others peace, Aang’s decision to prioritize his own interests despite the very explicit possibility of failure is the ultimate growth his character can have and the ultimate representation of him processing his trauma. (This arc was echoed and made even more explicit in many ways with Adora in the She-ra finale.) The last significant time Aang followed his desire, in his mind, was when he escaped the Air Temple in the storm. To want something, to trust his desire and act on it, is an act of incredible courage for him, and whether it succeeded or failed, whether anyone agrees or disagrees with it, it offered Aang a sense of peace and resolution. Now I appreciate and love Zuko’s iconic redemption arc, but Aang’s subtler arc, which subverts the “chosen one” narrative and broke ground to represent a prevalent emotional experience, stands out to me as the foundation for the show I love so much.

#aang #avatar the last airbender #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #atla #atla meta #zuko #redemption arc #adora #spop #catradora #catra #also no one will read this far in the tags but this is phoebe buffay's arc on friends

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lovedinapastlife · 3 years

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Rec List

Hey. It’s me. Sunlit Garden on AO3. If you would like to find a bughead fic, beta, be long-term groomed with positive feedback and helpfulness, then have your self-confidence chipped away, be isolated from other support systems, be negged, insulted, and emotionally harassed/toyed with to output to her idea of perfection -- or find someone who did this to others and will most likely weasel their way into doing it again -- I recommend none other than jandjsalmon, the gal who runs theblueandgoldoffice - a handy fic-finding website.

I made a prior post about my personal experience but apparently not everyone knew it was her because I didn’t name her specifically. Hopefully, this is the last post I’ll ever make about her. A lot of wonderful people reached out with similar experiences or sympathy but I’ve also seen some continue to interact with her or rec her as someone to follow. Now, I’m putting it in the tags. Her name is out there. If I see her on rec lists, at least I know the info is out there that she abused me and others and whoever posted didn’t want to deal with having to deal with her bullshit of her harassing them or they think I’m a liar. I have nothing to lose in this fandom or to gain by outing her. I’m doing it because I don’t want her to be introduced to new waves of authors/readers/people will trust her without protecting themselves or doing something to protect others. Unfortunately, me and the victims I talked to did not feel comfortable sharing how much she hurt us with each other until she’d done a fair amount of damage, and we were all trying to make it work with her until we hit a breaking point.

As a reminder... this is just a potential scenario based on past experience.

If you do become mutuals, and she thinks you have an ounce of fandom fame or MIGHT post things she likes if she bugs you enough, she might make you aesthetics, reblog, comment, buddy up to your friends to get closer to you, find out and exploit your insecurities or mental illness, notably withdraw support to prove a point if you like something she doesn’t or even show love for another person who doesn’t love her, keep records of your convos, show them to other people, vague post about you (sometimes even going so far as to message you without you even asking to make sure you know ‘oh it wasn’t about you’ to rub salt in that wound), let her husband talk shit about and to you even when on good terms with her, and try to get involved in your personal life to be your (only) best friend and support system... only to tell you you are nothing without her, people rely on her for recs and she can turn the tides on fandom favorites, you should not write original works because original romance is “disgusting” YA is “immature” and no one likes your work and your mind is too fucked up to be productive without her. No one will love you or have time for you like her.

She will insist you include scenes even if you don’t want them there, then try to claim she helped write your fic in the comments of it when all she did was tell you to add something you already wrote and deleted back in, though she did comment on the doc and talk through your million ideas and pick her favorite OF YOUR OWN IDEAS and help with grammar. She will also tell you at least one of your fics is disgusting and berate you to the point of not wanting to post it, especially if it shows Betty even slightly interested in someone besides Jughead at some point in her life, claiming “that’s not her!” but OOC or Jughead with past/current partners is no problem... and she will be very apologetic to have to tell you and make you feel bad, but brag in DMs of her friends that she “made you change your mind” and “taught you how to think” if you eventually cave and adjust something. Conversations become drags where you agree with what she says just to avoid confrontations and meltdowns sometimes.

If you talk to her and try to rebuild your friendship or set boundaries, she will either lash out or apologize and be good for a few days until she can find a reason to turn on you again. When you distance yourself for protection or make new friends, she will harass you in DMs asking why you unfollowed (even if it’s a tumblr glitch) or followed so and so, why you did or didn’t like something, tell you how awful everyone except her is, and try to get you to talk shit about your own friends when you know she’s talking shit about you, too.

Oh and if you compliment her on something you’re considered good at that she’s insecure about (prompted or unprompted), be prepared to be called a fake liar and a judgmental bitch in general for having an opinion -- yes, even if it’s positive, so imagine how fun it was to disagree on something neither of us even made.

She is not a neutral party when it comes to abuse and harassments either. Despite being very anti-cheating, she stoutly defends the Sprouse brothers despite multiple women and outlets coming forward claiming they cheated on or abused their partners, claiming the sources are “crazy” or “jealous” or “unprofessional.” I have some pretty ironic in retrospect screenshots someone sent me of some of her rants but I won’t post them publicly here. What Jandy told me of her former victims was that they blocked her for no reason. She was nothing but supportive of them and they got too big for their britches and had other friends and abandoned her. I’m sure she says similar if not worse things about me for calling her out and cutting her off.

So yeah, it will be uncomfortable to unfollow, ghost, and/or block her. It might even be inconvenient because of the service she provides to this fandom. But please keep in mind that even the slight fear/dread of her shadow-banning or harassing you is a sign that she’s affected you, too.

If you really miss that one extra comment per chapter, hit me up. I’ve got a lot going on but I’ll make an exception for people who need that extra support as long as I can. For additional support, please see local and online organizations to talk to a professional or volunteer trained to help with emotional abuse, toxicity, depressive, or anxious thoughts like therealdepressionproject. Good luck and have a wonderful day.

#Riverdale fandom negativity #bughead fandom negativity #cw: abuse #jandjsalmon

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trustandblasters · 2 years

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Where I’ve Been and the Future of the Comic

I will begin this by saying that I am really sorry to have gone this long without an update. It wasn’t my intention and I know I should have made this a lot sooner.

Quite frankly, things have been so hectic in my life that I got out of rhythm when working on personal projects, such as this comic. I hit some heavily severe depressive episodes and I’m sure I hurt a lot of people around me with some of my outbursts because of it. This isn’t an excuse, just an explination, and is something I have to answer for and work to fix on my own.

Now that I am finding time for personal projects and personal things (I started playing FF14 for instance, im willing to share my username if anyone plays on Primal and wants to play. I started actively writing my original stories and doing original art more. I started posting one of those original stories online as well) I had to re-evaluate some prior projects and what I would drop, keep, and re-imagine.

Now, onto the comic.

Sad to say it, but I will be dropping it. I will keep this blog up as an archive and maybe one day I might come back to it to finish, but as of this moment I don’t have any drive to actually complete the comic as is. I still have my notes, so I will go over the changes I intended to make, which is mostly centered around the characters Elci and Nora Geep.

(Funfact, Nora Geep is seeing new life in one of the original stories Im posting online)

Elci

The thought behind Elci was mostly that she would be used to show Sans and Papyrus that there was a chance at a better life with someone who cared for them. She would have eventually come into contact with Sans and Papyrus which would reveal two things about her to the audience: She had met them before, and she was a prototype Shapeshifter that was to be ‘discareded’ by Gaster and Dr. Felix. Sans would not have a clear memory of this, Papyrus no memory, but Sans would have a faint recollection of her abused shapeshifted form in Gaster’s lab and being wheeled away by Dr. Felix to be ‘disposed of’ (dusted, but she managed to crawl away and survive instead of freezing in the snow, which is when she would have been found and taken to the doctor by the Dog Pack). Elci would have recognized Sans and Papyrus immediately and had a meltdown, which would keep her from revealing this until Sans and Papyrus were taken. She would have been able to tell Grillby and the authorities the door codes and secret lab location as she would still remember what/where they were.

At the end it would also reveal Dr. Felix was her father, and that her mother had dusted prior to the start of the comic. He offered his daughter as an experiment subject due to his own grief on losing his wife and because Gaster needed monster subject and Elci was a rare Chimera-Type (made of 3 or more types of monster: Deer, Abstract, and Reptile). You can see some of these hinted at in Bio’s and also some of the character’s reactions in comic (Elci could sense Sans and Papyrus when she was at Grillby’s, Dogressa is aware she is a Shifter and was nervous when Grillby brought them up, Felix can be seen in the flashback where Dogamy had ripped out his eye, ect).

The last shot I had planned of her would have been her running around with Sans and Papyrus in their shifted forms, finally free of Gaster and Felix’s looming presence in her life.

Nora Geep

Nora is an interesting character in that her influence wasn’t really needed all that much, but made it a bit more believable in terms of some of the background aspects. So her story in the comic was rather limited, but where she had influence was meant to have the most impact.

If you haven’t picked up on the foreshadowing: She is Grillby’s estranged wife. The two had married Pre-War and only seperated some time after being sealed in the Underground. Despite this, they actually aren’t divorced yet and Nora still wears her wedding ring and wedding band (The gold ring and golden scarf she wears in her hair). She took over the role of Archivist from what would have later been revealed to be Seam from Deltarune.

The reason for their split was because of her burn: it would have been revealed that Grillby had accidentally burned her during a PTSD episode and he basically chased her out to protect her. She was against it, but relented more to Asgore and Toriel’s urging since she could barely walk after first recieving the injury. Grillby would have narrated that he opened his restaurant sometime after and that he had some regrets about it, since she had always wanted to open a place where people could relax, enjoy good food, and maybe read a good book or two. (Funfact: In a Deltarune short I was planning for after this she would have opened a book cafe with Grillby in the town)

The reason for her strained relationship with Gaster is because she gave him the logs, books, and research on Shifters that led to Elci’s abuse and Sans and Papyrus’s creation. She was unaware of Sans and Papyrus, but did learn of Elci after she escaped and was horrified that letting him into the archive let this happen. Since she blames herself, she shut herself off completely from Gaster and anything to do with the Research Labs, even when Asgore would ask that she share. This would have come to a head right before Gaster made an attempt to reclaim Sans and Papyrus, as Nora would have found out about them and would have begun making moves to help. Gaster would have taken some of the other cast offs with him and gravely injured Nora, resulting in a lowered security in Snowdin as they would have been looking for Nora’s attacker. (They would not initially known who it was as she was unconcious when found by Berdley and Noelle). She would not have made a fully recovery by the end of the comic, but would have shown up with Berdley and Susie in tow to help Asgore and Gnash against Gaster and the other Skele-dogs.

The final scene I had planning with her was Grillby and her having a heart to heart in Grillby’s about their past and the present. I would have left it open ended on if they got back together or not, but the following seen would have been Asgore welcoming Seam back as the Senior Archivist and Berdley as a newly assigned Junior Archivist to replace him once his training was done.

Noelle would have been revealed to taken over as Royal Scientist and a hint that Alphys would become her apprentice in the future.

Some other things I would have revealed were what happened to the other Skele-dogs afterword (I mentioned it in a post before) but shots of them being found by various characters and taken in, such as the recurring Green One being taken in by Asgore temporarily. There would have been a shot of Flowey at one point as well.

I will answer any lingering questions if anyone has them, I will keep this blog open and will ocntinue to answer questions as they come in. Feel free to reach out.

Sorry, I should have made this post a lot sooner ^-^;;

#Undertale #Trust Comic #Sans #Papyrus #gaster blaster au #babyblaster au

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that-blue-vault-dweller · 3 years

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well that was depressing xD lets combine superhero and grieving sole! companions react to sole thats kinda like a medium? maybe they can draw out the souls of the dead so people can say goodbye?

Gosh, I hope this came out okay, lol! 😂💙💛 Sorry it took so long! I was trying to get each of their reactions just right 🥰 I hope you enjoy!

Cait - When she figures this out, she is tempted to speak to her parents one last time. However, she knows that she has nothing left to say to them. At least, nothing that would not haunt her more than she already finds herself as a result of her past actions. Ultimately, she chooses not to ask F!Sole for that and decides to just leave the past as it is.

Piper - As soon as she finds out, she has someone in mind that she'd like to speak to--- her dad. When she finally asks F!Sole, she summons the man for Piper and Nat. When Piper sees him, she immediately tries to hug him. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he is just a soul, she cannot actually touch him and instead feels cold chills wash over her as she goes through his form. She almost cries at that fact alone. However, she starts to speak to him and tells him how much she misses him every day and that she avenged him. She saved those people in their old settlement and Mayburn is taken care of. He tells her how proud he is of her and how far she's come. He tells her that he knows his baby will keep doing great things. He tells Nat how much she's grown and how he's very proud of her, too, and that they should keep watching after one another. Piper tells him that now it's not just the two of them and that they have F!Sole, too. She also explains that F!Sole is her best friend and keeps them both very safe. He thanks F!Sole for her efforts and he tells her how happy he is that his kids has someone like F!Sole in their life. Piper and Nat are a blubbering mess when the time finally comes to say goodbye to him permanently, and they both tell him how much they loves him before he disappears. Piper then hugs Nat tightly, comforting her baby sister as they both cry. F!Sole stands nearby sadly. However, Piper soon extends her hand, and F!Sole takes it carefully. Before she knows it, she is yanked into the embrace with Piper and Nat, and the three of them just hug it out.

Curie - When she discovers this supernatural ability, she requests that F!Sole bring back Doctor Burrow so that she can tell him of her progress. When F!Sole brings him to this world, he does not recognize Curie at first. She proceeds to explain and reintroduce herself quickly. He soon recognizes her, and she explains that she is so, so happy to see him and that she successfully finished the antidote to every molerat disease. She also tells him that she has successfully created upgraded stimpaks and explains the science behind it with eyes practically glowing with excitement. He tells her that he is very proud of her and that she has done excellent work. Just before he goes, he wishes her luck in her scientific career and she starts to get quite emotional, expressing that she misses their camaraderie and that she will always remember him. When he is gone, she starts to cry, and F!Sole heads over, enveloping her in a tight embrace.

MacCready - After he realizes, he hesitantly asks her if she could bring Lucy back. When she brings her back, he reaches out, somehow knowing he cannot touch her, but still wanting to try. His hand goes through her face and cold washes over his skin rather than the warmth of another being. He proceeds to talk to her about Duncan and tells her all about his sickness and how F!Sole had helped him to save the boy. Lucy thanks her for helping to take care of Duncan, and MacCready and she talk for a little while more about their life together, recalling the good times they had. When it is time to go, he tells her how much he loves her and how he will miss her always. She tells him that she loves him and that she wishes she could stay forever. But it is not meant to be. As she disappears, he silently eyes where she had been, tears in his eyes. He asks for a bit of time alone after that, working to pull himself back together.

Deacon - When he finds out, he is hesitant to take advantage of it. He wants to see Barbara, but he is worried that if she truly was a synth, what if she does not have a soul to bring back? Plus, what if she did not recognize him after the amount of facial changes he underwent. That would likely be more crushing than even her possible lacking of a soul. He ends up resolving to just leave it alone, although it terribly bothers him and nags at him for a while until he eventually lets it go as best he can.

Codsworth - When he finds out, he is surprised by her ability, but soon enough asks to see sir. When she grants his wish, it is for the both of them. As soon as he appears, F!Sole wants to hug him more than anything. Codsworth practically has a meltdown, telling him how wonderful it is to see him and how he has tried his best to maintain the house during the whole time he has been gone. He just chuckles and tells him that he has done a great job with the place considering that it has been through a nuclear fallout. Codsworth then wastes no time in explaining how wonderful F!Sole has been and how she has become a hero to the whole Commonwealth. It is then that her husband directs his attention to her, almost as if he just realized that she is there. He approaches her and tells her that he loves her and he is so sorry that he did not protect Shaun well enough. She assures him that everything's okay now and that he did the best he could. Codsworth and F!Sole both tell him that they miss him so, so much, and he reciprocates. When it is time to say goodbye, F!Sole tells him she loves him and he tells her that he loves her, too. When he disappears, both Codsworth and F!Sole are a complete mess and they turn to one another for comfort.

Hancock - When he figures this out, he wants to speak to his real brother-- the one that was replaced by the Institute phony. When he sees him again, he does not reach out to him, despite the fact that he wants to. Somewhere in him, he knows that he can't actually touch the man before him. His brother proceeds to explain that a copy of him, no doubt from the Institute, killed him, and Hancock agrees, knowing that is the truth after the entire ordeal in Diamond City. McDonough tells him that he misses him and honestly wishes he could still be with him. Hancock expresses the same thing, feeling his heart clench a little in his chest. When it is time to say goodbye, McDonough tells his brother he loves him and to keep protecting the people's rights. Hancock reciprocates, and tells him that he will remember him every time someone shoves a tato down his shirt and slaps his back. When he disappears, Hancock excuses himself, needing a minute to recollect his composure.

Danse - When he realizes she has this power, it takes him a while to muster the courage to ask her to bring him Cutler. When his soul arrives, it is as a super mutant. Danse steels himself, truly not wanting to talk to his old best friend in this form. Cutler tells him that he is happy to see him. Danse is quiet for a moment before explaining that he is not a human, he is no longer part of the Brotherhood, and everything was a lie. Cutler informs him that he does not care and that he knows no matter what Danse is that Danse has always been there for him and has been nothing but a great friend. Danse sorrowfully tells him that he wishes things could have been different and that Cutler had not been turned into a super mutant. Cutler tells him that he did the right thing at the time and that the Brotherhood would have likely forsaken him that very moment if Danse refused to kill Cutler. When a final goodbye inevitably comes, they both clap their fists over their chests as a final send-off. Danse deflates as soon as the man disappears, and F!Sole approaches him, hugging him gently.

Preston - When he finds out, he asks to speak to Colonel Hollis. She quickly complies, and when he appears, Preston offers him a salute before greeting him and telling him all about what happened to the group of settlers that he managed to save after the Quincy Massacre. He explains how F!Sole came in and saved them all and has proved herself to be the next General of the Minutemen. He tells him also how the Minutemen are rebuilding considerably, and how much better things are now that she has joined. Colonel Hollis turns to her and congratulates her on a job well done and tells her how pleased he is that she has dedicated her time to such a wonderful cause. When the time comes, all three share a salute, and he disappears before them. Preston and F!Sole then head off for a walk, talking about Hollis and his accomplishments.

Valentine - When he figures out about her powers, he feels himself having quite a few conflicting feelings. There is not really any people in his own life that he would like to see, but there are so many that he remembers as a result of the old Nick Valentine and the people that he loved. Ultimately, Valentine does not ask her to bring anyone back. No one in the old Nick Valentine's memories are going to know this person, and there is no use in it. However, it does still hurt him even though he knows it's best.

X6-88 - Assuming that this is after blowing up the Institute (if F!Sole chose that route), he would like to speak to Father. When she grants his wish, she tries to keep her face turned away from him. After all, it was not her request and he was not brought back for her to speak to. X6-88 wastes no time in explaining that he is continuing to keep an eye on F!Sole and is trying to persuade her to see their vision despite the fact that she continually refuse. Father looks at F!Sole, but does not say anything to her before commending X6-88 for his efforts. When the time comes, they both share a stiff goodbye and it is finished.

Dogmeat - Does not understand, but would never want to see anyone except for F!Sole. He loves her so much, and she is his person. In his eyes, there is no one else in the world but her.

Strong - Is very confused. How can tiny human bring back dead people or super mutants? When dead, you dead. It ends up angering him and confusing him completely. Puny humans are just so weird.

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airasora · 2 years

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I was wondering of a possible au that has odette and holli as sisters? how that'd work in your headcanon story 👀

Ooooooh intriguing. And how ironic is it that they both like "gingers" lolol 😂

Let's see...

Ok, so dark content warning, cause I'm mixing in Holli's background story so TW for sexual assault.

Holli and Odette are half sisters, sharing the same mother; Sophie Would (Sophie from Anastasia) . Sophie and William (King William from The Swan Princess) had a messy romance, resulting in an unplanned pregnancy, during which William tried to convince Sophie to quit her job as a stripper, as he thought it was unfit for a mother. Sophie, loving her job, absolutely refused, leading to their eventual break-up.

Once Sophie had given birth to their little girl, named Odette, William insisted Sophie was an unfit mother and that he alone should have custody of the child. Sophie refused this until she met Joseph Korso (Korso from Titan AE) who SA'ed her, causing her to spiral into a deep depression and allowing William to take their daughter away though she never told him what happened.

To Sophie's horror, she found out she was carrying her rapist's baby. With the help of her coworkers, her family, she managed to climb up from the dark pit she had been in and was capable of taking care of her daughter, whom she named Holli.

At 19, Holli has been told little about her father and even less about her sister. In fact, she has no idea she even exists, until Odette shows up at her door. At first, Holli doesn't believe her when she says she's her half sister. But then Sophie comes home and she just... knows.

Sophie breaks down. Memories of what happened 20 years ago all come flooding back to her at once and she has a complete meltdown. Holli kicks Odette out of the house, telling her to never come back and she drives her mom to the psychiatric ward. A place she's been a few times before, usually out of free will. This time she's not in the right state of mind to have the will or wish to do anything, so she just goes along with what Holli wants.

After leaving Sophie in capable and familiar hands, Holli drives to the address Odette gave her when they were talking. There, she meets William, who has no idea who she is and it seems like Odette wants to keep it that way. Holli plays along and gets to ask Odette some questions.

Their relationship is off to a very rocky start when they start fighting due to both of them carrying resentment towards each other, believing the other had it better and had something they missed their entire lives.

Eventually though, when Sophie feels better eventually and tells Holli she wants to talk to both her and Odette. During that chat, Sophie tells both girls the truth, but without making William seem like the bad guy. He was unaware Sophie was pregnant and he just wanted to protect his daughter. Despite it all, Sophie has no hard feelings towards him.

Neither of the blonde sisters have any idea what to think of it all. Holli can't help but feel Odette "got away" to live a calm, rich life with a protective father who could give her everything she needed and more. While Holli stayed with a woman who didn't want her and reminded her of her assault, and they both had to do dirty work to get by. Odette is envious of Holli's close relationship with their mother though, and never got to be free and independent as her father was indeed very protective and she always missed having a mother.

In the long run, Holli and Odette couldn't have less in common and it'll lead to a rocky sisterhood, but as time goes by their relationship blossoms and, eventually, William discovers the truth as well and gets to see the love of his life again, both now older and wiser.

When Sophie tells William the truth, after he asks whether Holli is his biological daughter or not, William apologizes and begs for Sophie to forgive him. She does, saying it was her choice not to tell him what happened, so how could he have known. While they don't quite get back together again, they do co-parent and spend a lot of time together along with their daughters.

And... Yeah, that's it! That's the story that came to my mind when you asked about an AU with Holli and Odette as sisters 👭 I don't know if this was what you had in mind when you sent me your ask, but this was really fun to brainstorm either way 😁

#Holli would #Odette Nicastro #Sophie would #William Nicastro #Hollina AU #Thraxette AU #I mean not really I guess #An AU story in its own 😂

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rogerslovesstark · 4 years

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Hi there! A huge fan 💜💙 I was wondering if your requests are open?

If yes, could you please write an angsty fic where in reader is dating Bucky and for some reason he belittles her and breaks off their relationship. After which eventually everyone on the team stops talking to her. She's forced to leave off on her own and struggles a lot. Later Bucky realises his mistake and tries to contact her but the old her is gone. Like she finds her own happiness. Sorry if it's too detailed☹️

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

WARNING: Angst

Your recruitment to the team was quick and very low-key. Almost no one knew that you had joined the Avengers because you requested Tony not to hold a press conference. You loved being an Avenger, the idea of helping people in need was so fulfilling.

However, the spotlight of being an Avenger was not pleasant. You did not know how Tony and Steve were able to handle it, the constant feeling of eyes on you, paparazzi almost always being on top of everything you do.

The few events you did go to, you stood with Bucky most of the time. He always kept you safe and comfortable while the party was booming. The two of you would walk around the venues Tony would rent out, looking at the architecture of the building, admiring the art that was around.

The conversation was kept minimal because there was already so much noise from the party. Both silently agreed that there was no need for extra noise.

It was the New Years Party two years ago where Bucky asked you if you wanted to slow dance. The Venue had multiple balconies and he chose the smallest one for the two of you to dance.

The two of you swayed to the soft music that could be heard from the party. Once the clock hit 12:00, Bucky leaned over and kissed you. You two began dating shortly after.

Every Sunday was a day for a date unless either of you had a mission. Every other week you planned a date for you and Bucky, walks in the park, restaurants, bars, everything you could think of.

You developed a dependency on Bucky. Always seeking his reassurance, seeking his comfort and touch. You felt as though you were not complete unless you were with Bucky.

Your childhood was to blame, primarily your father. Physically, your dad was there but not emotionally. You never received emotional love from your father, the ‘I’m so proud of you’ or ‘you’re doing amazing’ Just a stiff nod.

Being raised by your psychotic father was the reason you developed into the cold-hearted killer you were. From 16-19, you worked as a mercenary and killed for money.

You craved emotional validation from someone because you were so deprived of it when you were a child. You struggled to form relationships with others because of it too. That was one of the main reasons why you were not as close to the team.

Bucky would always smile at you, or kiss you when you were excited about something you would accomplish. On missions, he would always stay near you unless instructed otherwise by Steve.

Bucky has been extremely off recently, always working with Steve, or working out with Sam, helping Wanda train her new abilities because it’s hard to kill a super-soldier than a normal human.

He had missed five Sunday dates. Five of them. In those five weeks, you barely saw him and it was driving you crazy. You constantly would search for the time where the two of you could just be alone. You were so deprived of physical touch and emotional love, you began to fall into a depressive state.

You walked towards the conference room, you asked Friday where Bucky was. She said he was in the conference room alone which is weird that she specified.

You opened the door and found Bucky just sitting on his phone. It was almost 10:30pm and he was just chilling in the conference room on his phone.

“Baby, I’ve been looking for you,” You said, walking over to him and running your hands along his broad and muscular shoulders. He was always so tense when he was sitting hunched over.

He shrugged you off his shoulders and turned to look at you. Not a soft, loving kind of look that a lover would typically give his lover; he gave a harsh glare as if you had done something to him.

“God, you are so fucking annoying, you know that,” Bucky said. He grabbed that hand that was touching you and stood up from his chair. He let go of your hand rather quickly as soon as he stood from the chair.

“I can’t fucking stand being around you Y/n, I don’t know why I ever asked you to be my fucking girlfriend,” He said, lowering his face closer to your face so the two of you were at eye level.

Tears pooled in your eyes, every word he said was like a thin blade stabbing you in the stomach over and over again. You did not know what you did wrong, you had not even seen him in almost a week despite living with him.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I’ll be better, what can I do to be better, please,” You whispered, if your voice were any higher, you would being sobbing.

Bucky just watched as you pathetically tried to hold your sobs in. You really were a weak woman and Bucky knew that. He knew that he held you in the palm of his hand and if he wanted to, he could break you.

He watched as your world crumbled around you because Bucky had decided to hurt you. Your hands were shaking and curled into fists. Your nose was turning red from holding back your tears.

“You are nothing without me, and I don’t want you anymore, so get the fuck out of my face and leave. No one on the team likes you, they would rather see you dead than ever have to see your horrific face ever again.” Bucky snarled, ready to see you burst into tears.

He knew that was the last straw.

You quickly turned around and left before you burst into tears. Bucky grabbed your arm and tried to turn you around, wanting to see you cry. You were forced to turn around, tears in your eyes pulling your hand back and smacking Bucky on his cheek.

You left him dazed in the conference room. You ran to your shared room, collecting all your belongings. You had a small apartment in the heart of Montreal that no one knew about. You deliberately left off your information given to FRIDAY.

“FRIDAY, get rid of all information regarding Y/N L/N” You requested.

“Request denied, reasoning: unauthorized access to function,”

“Override denial, code Tony Stark has a fat ass” You rolled your eyes at the code Tony had told you to be used as a last resort code.

“Permission granted, removing all information regrading Y/N L/N,”

You grabbed a piece of paper on your desk, writing a short goodbye to Tony knowing he would wonder where you went. You quietly walk over to Tony’s office and placed it on the monitor he mainly used.

You left the compound shortly after, walking seven miles to the small car you planted in the forest. You prepared this as a last resort option. You never wanted to use this car but times were desperate and you had to get away from Bucky.

++++

You were struggling, barely able to figure out how to live on your own. The money you had saved from working for the Avengers was running low and the waitress job you did have has barely enough to pay the bills you had.

Montreal was really expensive you ended up realizing, with such a horrible job, you sold your apartment and moved in with some college students in a small house. You shared a bedroom with one of the women in the house.

Ashley, your roommate, actually found the job for you, she helped you changed your appearance and spotted your money whenever you were desperate for it.

You had no skill set for an actual job, the only skills you had were killing. And your skills had developed rapidly as an Avenger. You knew what you had to do to survive.

The first kill that you had was a child trafficker in Toronto. Ashley covered for you, saying you two would go to a spa for a girl's weekend. She stayed at the spa while you finished the job. You gave her 20% of the income made.

You two had gotten close over the two years that you spent in the shared house. She was one of the only people that you trusted at this point. She suggested that you started therapy, which you decided to actually go to.

Your therapist wanted you to start realizing that you were more than who you surrounded yourself in. You deserved the love that you craved and you could only get it when you truly loved yourself.

++++

Bucky was laying in the bed the two of you shared. Two years had passed since he had driven you out of his life. He didn’t know why he did it, he was so upset because he saw you flirting with Tony. But Tony got engaged to Pepper only a few days later.

After nine months of you being away, he started to crave your presence in his life. He asked FRIDAY where you were but she had no information on you. When FRIDAY said she had no information on you, he had one of the biggest meltdowns he ever experienced.

You were officially gone from his life. Even with all the winter soldier experience of tracking people down, he couldn’t find you. Bucky knew that you were smart, you could hide in plain sight if you wanted to.

It was in Toronto that he saw you again. Bucky’s whole world stopped after he saw you. You were so different now. Your hair was completely different from what he was used to, and you dressed differently too.

It took him two months to finally get you to speak to him.

“What do you want Bucky?” The way you used to speak to him was so soft, now you were so cold towards him. Bucky’s stomach churned, almost nervous to respond to you.

“Y/n, please come back, I’m sorry for everything I have done to you, everything I said was a lie. I still love you” Bucky pleaded to you.

“Bucky I’m not the same woman I used to be, you broke me, I was so broken and I was the only one who fixed me. You don’t get to come back after I learned how to not live with you.” You shouted at him.

Tears pooled in Bucky’s eye, he had lost the one person who had shown him, true love. The one person he wanted to protect for the rest of his life. He lost you, forever.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes angst #bucky x Female Reader #Winter Soldier #WINTER SOLDIER ANGST #james barnes #james barnes x reader #james barnes angst

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aliaslua · 4 years

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Heya! I got an ask for you if it's okay! Do you have any headcanons on how the guys would act around their crush? Have a nice day ^^

huh... I sure do my dude! Actually I would say that like 30% of my brain stock is TMNT HC so here is just some of it so you can have a taste. Sorry it took SO FRICKING long for me to answer I was depressed having a bad month.

TMNT Headcanons

How would they act around their crush?

Michelangelo

There’s a common hc around the fandom that says that Mikey would be the most smooth around ladies, which I think is true to an extent. I think he would be flirty and playful when they first met, but soon as he realizes he actually maybe it’s absolutely into them, then he will become a ball of nerves;

Michelangelo is super self conscious of his appearance but is a helpless romantic at heart, so if he really falls in love one day, you can expect a lot of angst;

Despite that since now their crush live in his head 24/7 rent free, he will shower them with small gift and acts of service: since you would never fall in love with a monster like him, at least he will dedicate his life to make your life easier;

And I mean it: I’m saying learning favorite dishes, walking them home, bringing small flower/sweets, etc...;

Will draw endless portraits of his crush and never show it to them;

No matter how hard he tries, he CAN NOT STOP STARING so if his crush it’s a bit shy you can expect a lot of blushing (from both parts);

Fantasizes daily with a world where he can spend all his free time next to them and has made up too many scenarios where he confesses his love and they live happily ever after;

Donatello

Donnie is not romantic AT ALL. He doesn’t consider a life next to someone special because in his head, that is a lost cause. So you can imagine how hard his heart started beating when he realizes that after meeting his crush, a romantic relationship may be not only a possibility but also something he... desires.

But don’t get me wrong: this is going to take a while. He will rationalize every sign and overthink every possibility before accepting that he likes someone;

That’s why when he eventually does accept it, he takes the first step pretty quickly, so don’t underestimate his nerdiness, we will confess his interest and present all the benefits of dating a mutant-turtle-man that in fact saved the city more than once and has the key to the city like it’s a collage lecture;

Yes it’s a weird confession what do you want me to say;

Whatever the crush response is, they will forever be his muse, his biggest inspiration and devotion. He will never step any boundaries and will be really chill about it if his crush ask for some time to think about things. Don’t worry, he is collapsing inside.

Raphael

A fan favorite and the one that was a lot of popular HC that I agree with. Yes Raphael is absolutely soft inside and nothing can change my mind about it, but also I think he is the one that will try to push his crush away. Never in a rude or violent way, but I see this man falling in love, realizing he will never be good enough for this s/o and just deciding to keep a cold distance, hoping this would solve his problems.

It does not solve anything and now his crush thinks he hates them, well good job, Raph!;

Does everything to keep his crush safe, but does it discreetely so they won’t know. Will eventually show small acts of affection while caring them if they’re hurt, being overly protective and careful and that it’s super confusing for everyone;

It doesn't last long, he can’t live with the fact that his coldness may hurt his own special person, so he has a meltdown one day and confesses without realizing yes my favorite type of confession ;

Flees the lair in disbelieve leaving his crush behind, not even a word after that;

Comes back after a day or two, walks straight to his crush and kisses them passionately ... I mean he has nothing to lose at this point;

Leonardo

Leo will realize his crush pretty early on and I honestly think he would be the only one of the four to actually court someone; he wants to be and acts like a gentleman so you can expect an immaculate dedication to guarantee his crush comfort;

His appearance doesn’t really affects him, but mostly because he doesn’t care for looks in others and he knows that he is a worthy man inside, so he just concludes that if he can show his crush that, he will be successful in his love quest;

But of course, because he does not take passion and commitment lightly, he will evaluate everything about his crush before trying anything: are they captivating? Empathetic? They have a good relationship with his brothers (the most important)?Could he see himself next to them for life? Well if the answer to everything is yes, then it's decided.

So he’ll do everything he would like to receive in a lover: he will be present, be gentle, be careful, be loving, he won’t judge any of his crush’s dreams, habits or wishes. I am telling you this man is a prince;

It will work flawlessly;

#TMNT HC #tmnt bayverse #TMNT Leonardo #TMNT Donatello #TMNT Raphael #TMNT vs Reader

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #sorry it’s another tl;dr in the feels post lmao

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yan-twst · 4 years

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Hiii!!~~ Could you please do a HC about the yandere dorm leaders reacting when they rejected by S/O, because S/O already likes someone else and also intends to confess their feelings to their love interest, please?

warnings: general yandere themes, manipulation, death / violence mentions

riddle rosehearts

he goes red in shame and anger when he’s turned down- it takes all his restraint to at least act properly and not immediately blow his lid

how- how can this be?! his darling, the one he’s been pining for this whole time- suddenly it turns out they have a crush on just, some random heartslabyul student?!

he knows his darling is going to confess- but first he’ll try his best to discourage them. the poor soul who happens to be his darling’s crush will have it rough

riddle will pile on near impossible tasks to said student, publicly humiliating him for his failures and going off with his head as the whole dorm watches; however, instead of making his darling dislike their crush, he just makes them feel pity for the poor soul, and also dislike riddle even more...

however, he won’t give up. he has no shame in pressuring the student his darling likes in such a tyrannical way they probably break down and drop out- if not... well, it might be off with their head in the actual sense of the word. nobody can have his darling, only him; and now that the pesky crush is out of his way, he’ll declare his love again

... and if they say no once again? well, then he’ll be forced to take the route of force to make them love him... so they better make the correct choice when he asks them to love him!

leona kingscholar

he’ll act unbothered and aloof when he’s rejected, despite being incredibly mad. and then- then his darling says something like “it’s not you, it’s just, there’s someone else i like!” and that makes his blood boil.

so they found someone better, hm? better than the useless, lazy second born prince, huh? well, he doesn’t care- he’s already decided he’ll have his darling, and if they don’t love him that’s their problem to deal with

but first... he’ll get rid of whoever it is that ruined his initial confession by taking away his darling’s heart

he isn’t one for subtleties or behind the scenes work; he’s a lion, a predator, and he has pride on his strength. so a whatever, no-name savanaclaw student thinks they can just take away his darling’s heart...? hah.

he kills them. plain and simple, no pomp and circumstance- they were in the way, so leona got rid of them. easy. it wasn’t even hard; he didn’t even use his unique magic.

when news break out of a mangled, bloody corpse being found, he’s right by his darling’s side as their eyes widen and tears form at the news. aw, did their little crush die? how tragic...

he won’t say he did it, but the look and smile he gives his darling is more than enough of a confirmation and a threat- so, he’ll ask them again... now will they become his lover, or would they preffer to make him angry again?

azul ashengrotto

from the outside, it looks like he takes the rejection like a champ. a surprised “oh!”, and apology for wasting his darling’s time. when they mention they have a crush on another octavinelle student, he’ll even wish them luck on their confession!

... but that’s just on the outside. inside, he’s practically having a meltdown. how?! is he not good enough?! what the hell does that random octavinelle wimp have he doesn’t?!

he already ruins people’s lives for a living; it’s nothing to him to do so again. he easily fools the student who his darling likes into a contract; something easy, something dumb... the answers for trein’s upcoming quiz, and in exchange, they swear they won’t accept any love confession this month. the student accepts readily, as azul reminds them: break the contract and they’ll be working for him!

so of course, when his darling confesses... the panicked student turns them down. of course, he can’t say why- the clause in the contract forbids him, so he has to leave azul’s darling heartbroken and confused... and that’s when azul swoops in

oh, no! what a cruel bastard, to break their heart like that! he’ll come in and act as a comforting friend, a shoulder to cry on... meanwhile, the leech twins silently get rid of the student; after all, he’s no longer needed!

letting azul close is the first fatal mistake; now that he’s gotten his darling close, he’s not letting go... even if they want him to, they’ve sealed their fate

kalim al-asim

he’d be quite heartbroken when his darling rejects him, telling him that they’ve actually liked another scarabia student for a long time, and were planning on confessing... however, he’ll take it with a smile! it’s ok!

but... well, it really isn’t. he doesn’t want to be a spoiled little heir, but...! he’s so not used to not getting what he wants! he’ll feel terrible about doing it, but he’ll try to make the confession fail

the easiest way? well... he feels super scummy and bad, but he approaches the scarabia student and explains the situation; kalim just really likes this person, but they like them- so... and in the end, it’s a simple deal; some gold coins and jewelry, and the student is more than happy to turn kalim’s darling down

even though he feels quite bad about what he did, he tries to justify it. well, if the student took such a shallow brive, then they’re surely a materialistic and bad person...! his darling deserves better, right?

like promised, the student doesn’t even show up to the scheduled time when kalim’s darling was going to confess. kalim watches froma distance as his darling waits and waits, eventually giving up and running to their room

he won’t act too fast. he already feels terrible about what he did, he can’t just try to force his darling to love him... right? he’ll be content to just be able to comfort them and be close to them at first, but... ah, it’s no good! he wants more! he’ll confess again and again, and eventually his darling will say yes... or he’ll have to do yet another thing he won’t like

vil schoenheit

he’s shaken to his core. how- what?! does his darling even know who they’re turning down?! clearly, his darling can sense his confusion and shock. they tell him that yes! he’s very beautiful- probably the most beautiful, but... their heart was already taken by another pomefiore student...

vil cannot believe this. he’s very much a mother hen over the pomefiore students, but to think his care and guidance would lead to another person being the one to take his darling’s heart...! he seethes thinking that the skincare tips he’d given to that student were now contributing to the skin of the person who was stealing away his beloved.

at first he just wants to ruin the other student’s appearance to maybe make his darling not want to confess- vil watches as the pomefiore student panics over his skincare routine suddenly not working, their shampoo not making their hair as nice as before... but deep down, he knows it’s not enough. his darling isn’t the sort of person to fall in love just for looks: if they were, then, they’d love him!

so he feigns worry when the student suddenly falls terribly ill. oh, no, boo hoo. everyone doubts the student will even make it, and it makes vil’s blood boil when he knows his darling is trying to cheer the student up until the day their crush tragically dies

does he feel bad? not much. if that student was truly a good pomefiore member, he should be well versed in poisons; if the idiot couldn’t realize he wasn’t ill, but rather poisoned, then he wasn’t worth vil’s worry

and now, he can monopolize his darling; they’re so heartbroken and busy grieving, they can’t even tell vil is isolating them slowly, keeping them under his control... and soon, he’ll tell them he loves them again, but it won’t be a confession: it’s a statement, and his darling better reply they love him too, unless they want him to break out the love potions

idia shroud

ugh- god! he worked all his courage to confess, and then- he gets turned down...? he wants to die, right now, on the spot. even while his darling panickedly tries to explain that they just happen to like another person from ignihyde, idia is too depressed to even care

another ignihyde student... ugh, of course. of course he can’t even have love! this sucks- he can’t sleep, he can’t concentrate on games... his darling and their rejection keep echoing in his head

despite him being one of the least athletic students, and usually stepping out of danger’s way, love has an amazing way to push people to do things they usually wouldn’t. for example, he’d never even dare to think of killing anyone, leave alone one of his dormmates, but... as he drags the corpse towards the forest, adrenaline on peak, that’s just what he’d done

god, videogames make this look so much easier. he feels queasy and disgusted, the blood is warm but running cold, the corpse is so heavy and rigor mortis is setting in- he feels like giving up, but... he has to return. he has to return to his darling; surely, after this grueling task, he’s earned their love, right?

when his darling worriedly tells him that an ignihyde student has gone missing, he tries to comfort them. well- ignihyde folk are secluded, odd people- perhaps he returned home without telling anyone...? the fact that he’s the dorm leader will calm his darling down; after all, why would he lie about this?

though he’d try to be patient, he doesn’t have much time before he snaps. he wouldn’t even confess again. he’s already sure his darling won’t love him, so... just kidnapping them is fine for him- maybe he could buy some love potions...?

malleus draconia

ah... he seems to have miscalculated. he’d spent so much time with his darling he was sure they’d share his feelings, but he was wrong, it seems... well, he’ll thank them for at least thinking of him as a friend- even though he’s very clearly mortified at the rejection

so they like another man...? someone from diasomnia? despite being dorm leader, malleus doesn’t know the diasomnia students too well; after all, he’s never invited to the sorting ceremony, and students keep their distance...

so he gets lilia to help him identify the student. the ancient fae is quite intrigued; oh, the infamous love triangle! lilia offhandedly mentions that in cases like these on videogames and novels, it always ends with someone eliminating the person who their darling loves; and that idea sticks with malleus

what good is it to be so powerful, if he cannot use his powers for what he wants...? he already knows his love is bordering on obsession- so he’ll allow himself to be as immoral as he wants. if he’s seen as a scary monster, then, well, nobody should be too surprised when he does commit an atrocity, right?

with the help of sebek, lilia, and silver, dissapearing a body and cleaning blood is not a hard job; it’s almost like nothing happened at all. he simply tells crowley the student went out one night and didn’t return- no evidence says malleus had anything to do with it

he won’t tell his darling what he did- not at first. however... if they keep rejecting him, he’ll finally say it: let go of the hope of their crush ever returning. he’s gone- dead. he made sure of it. and truly, knowing malleus hold such a dark side- who would be so stupid as to reject him again, really?

#twisted wonderland x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twst #riddle rosehearts #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #kalim al asim #vil schoenheit #idia shroud #malleus draconia

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