#Do Tic Tacs help bad breath?

[khulkarjiyo]

Are Tic Tacs good for your health?

Tik Tak is a brand of small sweet mints which is designed to freshen our mouth breath. It contains small colorful mints which generally help in breathing. Are Tic Tacs good for your health Their main purpose is to keep the fragrance of the bathroom fresh and they are often used in log meetings, interviews, or any time when fresh fragrance is required. Tic Tacs aren’t a classically praised…

[ellecdc]

Come Back, Be Here (part 5)

Sirius Black x fem!reader - First Wizarding War Order of the Phoenix - 3.5k p1 // p2 // p3 // p4 // p5 // p6 // p7 // p8

⚠️CW: graphic descriptions of injury, blood & gore, combat (people die), painful goodbyes, swearing (I wrote it so there's swearing, but I think you all know that by now)

Synopsis: The story of how you sacrificed yourself to save your friend and Order partner James months before. And what the fuck is Kreacher up to?

👋AN: I have never written (well anything TBF) combat/action before and I was very uncomfortable the entire time so I'm 1) glad it's over (for now) and 2) very sorry if it's awkward or painful to read. I'd love feedback or suggestions as I believe this story may involve more. xx

The spring-time sun meant you had an easier time staying comfortable during the day, but as the sun dipped below the top of the building across from you, it was becoming increasingly harder to stay warm. You sat on an overturned crate in an abandoned building watching the alleyway below you as you nibbled on a granola bar. It tasted like ash.

“Should we check in again?” James asked, leaning in front of you to peek out the partially broken window.

You fought the urge to roll your eyes. “We checked in only minutes ago, Prongs.”

He hummed in disgruntled acknowledgment. 

“Do you ever think about just like jumping when you look out a window?” James asked as he leaned a little too close to the jagged edge of the window for your liking.

“Pardon me?”

“You know, like when you’re on a bridge and you think ‘I could totally just launch myself off of this right now’, or when you’re holding something really expensive or delicate and you just want to throw it at a wall.”

You stared at your friend for a moment.

“Those are called intrusive thoughts, Jamie.”

“Are they bad?”

“Only when they stop being thoughts and turn into actions.”

“Got it.” He said with a nod.

“Hey, James?”

“Yeah.”

“Step away from the window please.”

He sighed and plopped down unceremoniously beside you. You offered him the rest of your granola bar which he only accepted once you assured him you were finished. 

You moved to sit on the floor so the two of you could play tic-tac-toe in the dust. James complained about breaking a nail and you agreed to check in with Emmeline and Benjy twice more over the following few hours.

“Okay; fuck, marry, avada: Helga Hufflepuff, the Minister of Magic, Merlin.” James asked.

You blew out a breath and leaned back onto your hands. “Hmmmm, how many times do I have to fuck them?”

“Just once.”

“Okay, and do I have to stay married forever and ever?”

“Uh, duh. Till death do you part.” He answered incredulously. 

“Will I die soon?”

James gave you an unimpressed look.

“Okay, uhm, ugh, I hate politicians, James.”

“I don’t want your life story, just answer the question.” 

“Fine. Fuck Merlin, marry Helga, avada the Minister.” You said, though you couldn’t help but cautiously look over your shoulder lest the Minister himself hear your treasonous answer. 

“Explain.”

“I just think Helga would treat me right.”

James nodded solemnly. “And the others?”

“You just said you didn’t want my life story.” 

“You’re right. Do me next.”

“In your dreams, Potter.”

James rolled his eyes. “Get your mind out of the gutter.” 

You chuckled and looked down at the street again.

“I don’t know James; it’s been pretty quiet. How long have we been here?” 

James shifted his weight to one hand in order to check his watch. “Well, we got here at, what, eight this morning? It’s been about twelve hours of nothing.”

You hummed in acknowledgement. “What do you think? Do you want to get home to Lily and Haz, or keep watch?” 

James groaned. “I always want to go home to Lily and Haz, but Benjy and Em were on this stake out yesterday too.”

You nodded and stood. You conjured your patronus and told Benjy and Emmeline that it was quiet enough for them to leave, and that James and you would stay for a little bit longer just in case. The silvery fox jumped once before it disappeared through the walls of the building, sending your message to the other team.

James chuckled. “Do you remember how pissed off Sirius was when he found out you had become an animagus?”

You smirked at the memory. “That was back when he hated me.”

James guffawed. “He never hated you.”

“Yes, he did!”

“Nuh uh, he thought he was playing it cool, but he fell just as hard for you as I did with my Lily flower.”

You shook your head. “No one fell as hard as you did, Jamie.”

“Too true.” He agreed. “I’m the best at everything I do.”

“I think he was mostly mad that I’d managed to do it by myself, whilst the three of you bumbled your way through it together.”

“Yeah. You started after us and managed to finish before Pete did.”

You chuckled at the memory.

(Hogwarts boat-house, 4th year)

“I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up about this.”

Sirius looked at you incredulously. “Uhm, how about because it’s dangerous? What even compelled you to do something like this?”

“Uhm, you guys were doing it?”

“So?”

“So? If you can do it, why can’t I?” 

“Do you know how much trouble you could get into for this?” He asked while pinching the space between his brows.

“Why? Are you going to rat me out?”

Sirius guffawed. “I’m not a snitch, Dollface.”

You smiled wickedly at him. “Good, then shut up about it.”

You stood and stretched your limbs, stiff from the day of waiting for nothing to happen.

“I’m confused, James.” You said, poking your head into the window again. “Didn’t the tip suggest that this was a major meeting spot for Death Eaters and allies?”

James hummed in acknowledgement. 

“Then why haven’t we seen anything all day?”

He looked at you curiously. “I don’t know...isn’t no news good news?”

You groaned. “I don’t know. Not if we’re to believe the tip.”

“You think it was false?” 

You made a non-committal sound as you started to pace the room. 

“I mean, I guess it is weird for nothing to happen two days in a row.”

You stopped dead in your tracks. “Two days?”

James nodded at you. “Yeah, Emmeline and Benjy were here yesterday.”

“They were here yesterday?”

“Are you feeling okay? I literally just said that.” 

“Fuck, James, where did this tip come from?”

James scrunched his eyebrows. “I don’t know, Vix.”

You both stared at each other for a few moments. “I think we should leave.” You said.

“Apparate to location seven?” James asked as you helped him stand.

“Yep.”

You both pulled your wands and spun to apparate.

You looked at each other in confusion. 

After a quick nod, you both spun again.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You muttered before moving back to the window; neither teams had any problems apparating in or out earlier today.

“Vix, this isn’t good.” 

“Alright,” you breathed out, squaring your shoulders, “alright. Let’s scout the area. We’ll find out where this anti-apparition ward ends and get the hell out of here.”

James, looking far paler than he had moments ago, offered you one nod before getting into stance and following you to the door. 

You grabbed the handle and heard an awful searing sound before you realized it was the sound of your hand against the metal doorknob. 

“FUCK!” You shouted as you pulled your hand away, blisters already littering the palm of your hand. James quickly cast an auguamenti over your hand followed by a glacius. The stinging slowly subsided but you could still feel your heartbeat in your palm, and tears threatened to spill from your eyes. 

James leaned his ear closer to the door. “I...I feel like I hear a dragon?”

You paled. 

“Fiendfyre.”

You moved over to the window and cast a despulso, shattering the remaining glass and leaning out of it. 

“This way.” You said to James over your shoulder before changing into Vixen and jumping down two storeys. Your paws stumbled beneath you as you landed awkwardly, but you fared better than you would have in your human form.

James looked down at you from the window as you changed back to your human form before giving him a quick nod. He jumped and you cast an arresto momentum, slowly lowering him to the ground. 

You both tried to apparate again to no prevail. James cast a revelio which illuminated the shimmery grid lock of the ward around you. 

“It doesn’t look like it goes far. We just need to make it to the street.” James said as he nodded his head down the alleyway. 

You began in that direction when two shadowy, masked figures stepped into the alley from the street. You huffed and figured you’d fare better on the other end, save having to climb over the barbed wire. When you turned again to run, another set of masked figures stepped out on that end too.

“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.” One of them sing-songed. 

“Through the building.” James commanded and the two of you moved to the door of the building across the alleyway.

James cast a despulso to open the door as you threw a bombarda at the second set of Death Eaters. You narrowly dodged a confringo as more bolts of light shot your way.

You ran down the hall, looking around corners for signs of an exit. You passed a hallway and felt a hand grab your arm before you were slammed into the wall.

A wand was pressed to your throat when you heard James cast a flipendo. The wizard pinning you was sent flying, so you righted yourself and grabbed James’s hand before sprinting down the hallway again. 

You shot a hex at a fire extinguisher as you passed it which fogged up the hallway behind you. 

“Confringo!” A voice suddenly shouted from ahead. A ball of fire hit James’s square in the chest as he moved to block you from it. He fell to the ground with a thud as you cast a protego around the two of you. 

Three more casts bounced off of your shield before you shot an incendio at them, watching the robes and masks melt away before the wizards turned to ash. 

“You idiot!” You gritted through your teeth as you cast healing charms over James’ burn. 

“Wake up James, get your arse up.” You insisted, gripping his chin and shaking his head back and forth. 

You looked up at the sound of running and shot another bombarda behind you. The sickening sound of a body hitting a wall and sliding to the ground let you know you hit your mark as you continued to rouse James.

“You need to get up James. Come on, let’s go.” You said as you hauled him into a sitting position. You mentally cursed him and his dedication to the gym as you tried to manhandle his 183cm (six-foot) pure muscle figure. The movement caused him to groan.

“Yes, come on Prongs, get up, we need to go.” You insisted, giving him another shake. The burning in your hand was starting to return and you felt the beginnings of a wicked headache coming on. You could hear shouting from the floor above you – you had company. 

The wall behind you exploded suddenly and threw you both across the hall. Your head made a sickening crack as it met the brick wall and James was covered with rubble.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You moaned as you felt heat spread down your neck. You ripped a large piece of glass from your right thigh as you stood, which began to bleed far too quickly for your liking. Wobbly as all hell, you moved over to James and pulled the cinderblocks from his body.

“Come on Potter,” you muttered. “You’ve got a wife and kid at home.”

He groaned in agony as you pulled him into a crouch.

“And you’ve got a Sirius.” He slurred.

“Exactly,” you grunted as you used your wand to throw a piece of wall at some assailants to your left. “And if I go home to my boyfriend without his boyfriend, he will have my head.”

Both of you hissed in pain as you stood, but you trudged through the rubble and moved to the end of the hall. You pushed through a door which brought you out into an alleyway parallel to the one you guys had just been in. You cast a revelioand saw that the anti-apparition ward ended at the sidewalk about ten yards away. 

The sound of an explosion followed by screaming made you turn. The building you and James had been in for your stake out had been completely consumed by the fiendfyre and was spreading to the building you just exited. 

“The fiendfyre caused friendly fire.” James muttered. 

You pushed at his shoulder and directed him toward the street. “James, this way, we’re almost-” 

“BOMBARDA.”

“No!”

The wind was knocked clean out of you and your senses vanished. You saw bright white and couldn’t hear anything past the ringing in your ears. You tried to stay calm as you willed your lungs to take in more air. 

You were aware of someone standing above you, or in front of you, but you couldn’t see or hear them. There were hands, warm hands, you were being shaken. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” 

Choking.

You could hear choking.

You could hear!

You hear yourself choking. 

You sucked in a deep breath that caused an unbelievable amount of pain in your stomach; the breath shuddered as it left your body. 

“No, no, no. Vix please.”

You opened your eyes. Though your eyesight was still white around the edges you could see James’ face in front of yours.

“Y/N, we’re almost there.” James whimpered, tilting his head toward the sidewalk where the ward line ended. You lifted your hand to your head even though it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and when you pulled your hand back it was red. 

“James.” You choked out. “Go, I’ll find you.”

“Y/N.”

You attempted to sit up straighter, but it elicited a strangled sob from you. You felt a strange pressure in the left of your stomach, and when you looked down you could see why.

Your head, also feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds, lolled as you lifted your shirt to expose a metal rod that had impaled you from behind. Your view of the injury quickly became obscured as blood flowed from the wound. Between the wound to your thigh, and now your stomach, the gravel below you was quickly becoming drenched in your blood. You knew then. This injury was well beyond either of your wheelhouse.

“Jamie.”

“No.”

“James.” You whined quietly, lolling your head back against the fence behind you. “You have to go.” 

“Y/N, I won’t. I cannot leave without you.” 

“You have to.” 

“No.” He cried miserably. 

You took a few breaths, heart hurting both from blood loss and for your partner.

“What about Sirius? Hm?” He shot at you.

You smiled at the thought of your sweet boy. You felt like you could smell him now; worn leather, caramel, and his cigarettes. You knew he tried to spell the smell away, but it never really worked; you’d learned to associate the scent with him though, so you mostly didn’t mind. 

“You’ll take care of him for me, won’t you?” You asked your friend, offering him a tired smile. Tears fell from his eyes; he was too pretty to cry, you thought. 

“Vix, please, he needs you.”

“Thank him for me?”

James sobbed.

“I’m so-” you grunted and fought the urge to gag. “I’m so thankful for him. For all of you.”

“Y/N.”

“Tell him I’d do it all again. Every moment of it. If it meant I got to love him.” You breathed in deeply. “It was worth every minute of it.” 

A portion of the building behind James collapsed in on itself under the flames, but neither of you moved your gaze from the other. 

“Tell him for me?” You asked again.

James’s face was scrunched in pain as he nodded.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He cried.

“I’m not.” You said as you shook your head. “I don’t re-I don’t-” You tried to take a deep breath but found yourself unable to.

“I don’t regret anything.” You finished on an exhale. 

The building behind James continued to fall as smoke and debris fell around the two of you. You shakily lifted one of your hands to his face and wiped at the tear tracks lining his cheeks. You lifted your wand in the other and cast a diffindo at the death eaters approaching behind him. You were thankful your vision was going, knowing the sight behind James would be unbelievably gruesome. 

“I-” you started, your breathing becoming erratic. “I love you. All of you.”

James nodded as he leaned down to kiss your forehead. 

“I am so lucky to have known you, Vix.”

“Go now.” You said quietly.

James held your head to his shoulder.

“You - you have to go.” 

James kissed your head again.

“Go.”

You rested your head against your own shoulder as you watched James hobble to the end of the alleyway. You did it, you thought to yourself, you saved him.

James made it to the sidewalk when he turned to face you. You tried to offer him one last smile as he spun and apparated away.

A sob tore through you, and it felt as though it emptied your lungs of any remaining air. 

No matter, you wouldn’t need air anymore anyway.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it home, Siri.” You thought. “I’ll find you in our next life, and I’ll love you there too.” 

With a shuddering sigh, you fell asleep. 

It was dark. It made sense. Death would be dark. Should it be cold? Perhaps. You only wished it wasn’t also painful. It was quiet, but you could hear.

“Why waste your energy on a pathetic mudblood?”

“Information. Knowledge is power, after all.”

“Couldn’t you have found a mudblood that wasn’t so close to death then?”

“We would’ve had more to choose from had someone not thought to fight with fiendfyre instead of a good old incendio.”

“Incendio was boring, I wanted to spice things up a little.”

“Your penchant for spice lost us numbers, Junior. The Dark Lord will not be pleased.”

“Then we’ll get the mudblood talking. Once we get information, the numbers won’t matter.” 

“You ignorant-”

“Enough! What’s done is done. Someone will have to take responsibility for the repercussions when the time comes.”

“Severus is right. For now, the mudblood comes with me.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The last prisoner did not even survive the night under your watch.”

“Pfft. You should have heard the mouth on that nasty witch. I did the world a favour.”

“Foulness tends to be a common trait of the Order. Please do keep up, Goyle.”

“I do not see how you are in any position to be barking orders around here. You are barely out of Hogwarts yourself, child.”

“Yes, and this child received their dark mark before they even graduated. In fact, Mulciber, I have had my mark longer than you.”

“What do you even want with the mudblood anyway?”

“Trying to keep it in the family, baby Black?”

“Yes, Purebloods tend to do that. I can see that your ancestors kept it a little too close to home, however.”

“You don’t know what to do with a prisoner; let the rest of us enjoy her a little.”

“I am not concerned about enjoying, you imbecile. I work for the Dark Lord, that is my only concern. I am one of the most skilled legillimens and occlumens here, I will not let my dick get in the way of getting information for the Dark Lord, unlike the rest of you, so I will take the mudblood.” 

“Hmph, well, we’ll see how long this lasts.”

You listen: Doors. Floorboards. Parchment. Fireplace.

...

...

“You’re awake.”

...

...

...

“Squeezing your eyes shut will not change the fact that I know you are awake.”

Are they talking to me?

“Yes, I am talking to you.”

Shit.

“Very elegant.”

I’m fucking alive?!

“Indeed, you are.”

You peeled your eyes open and blinked against the light above you. The room was dark, with dark-grained wood on the ceiling and walls, and little light save from the gaudy chandelier above you and a tiny window letting in a minuscule amount of light which seemed to dissipate by the time it reached one foot from the source.  

Your neck cracked loudly as you turned your head to the voice, and you swore you felt your heart fall out of your feet.

“You can’t be serious?” You rasped disbelievingly. 

“Close, but no.” The man smirked as he stood and moved toward the table you were lying on. “The name is Regulus. Regulus Arcturus Black.”

You felt your heart rate pick up as you stared at the face of a man who held an uncanny similarity to your boyfriend. 

“I don’t suppose you happen to know occlumency, do you?”

You shook your head; unsure you could voice anything more than a horrified whimper.

“Shame. Well, for your sake, I hope you are a quick learner.” 

And he stupefied you. 

(Present)

“Kreacher, what have you done?” You spat angrily, twisting your arm in his grasp. He appeared wholly unimpressed with the situation and less than inclined to respond to you.

“Let go.” You muttered as you tried to tear your arm from the house-elf. For looking so small, thin, and well, decrepit, he was surprisingly strong. You considered pulling your wand when someone spoke.

“Release her.”

Your head shot up at the sound. You were met with a scarily familiar smirk that left you feeling weightless.

The elf obeyed, though you wish he hadn’t as you suddenly felt weak in the knees. 

“Welcome back, Y/N.” He smirked as he stood from his perch on the edge of an ornate desk. “Ready to finish this?” 

Continue to part six here.

[buckyalpine]

(y/b/s) - your bra size.

Okay, imagine drunk college roommate Bucky. He's fucking hammered and his filter is up his ass. Your giggling while he stumbles into the apartment, you didn't expect him to actually make it home. You figured he'd just crash at Sam's but nope. He clumsily made his way back because he can't spend a night away from you.

Of course you don't know this.

Anyway, he has to make it back to his favorite peanut. When he manages to get inside, his glazed eyes try to focus on the pretty angel in front of him, his eyes growing wide.

You didn't think he'd be home so gave yourself a night of pampering, finishing off with throwing on your silk pj shots and tank. Which Bucky had never seen before. You only wore an oversized tshirt when he was around. You looked...delectable.

His eyes raked up and down your body, your skin glowing, the pretty silk material hugging your boobs, your nipples faintly poking through the thin material.

"Damn baby..." He breathes out, making your face burn, biting your lip. you had the biggest crush on him and you figured he was just drunkenly rambling but still.

"Welcome home Barnes" You playfully roll your eyes before snaking your arm around his waist, throwing his other arm over your shoulder to help him get to his room.

"Welcome home indeed" He inhales the soft scent of your shampoo, humming when he feels your soft skin.

You try to gracefully get him into bed but to avail. He takes you down with him, pulling you on top, his eyes growing wide because....

You gasp, swallowing thickly, this is why the fuck you never wore that set of pj's around the house.

Your top had slipped down, your boobs right in front of his face, your nipples hard feeling the cool air of his room. Bucky nearly drooled, holding you in place, his eyes fully focused on your pretty boobs, blinking a few times to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Baby, what size are those two for one, extra soaker, tic tac flavored, voluptuous biddies you got??"

You squeaked, remaining frozen on top of him while he licked his lips, before giggling like a school boy.

"Boobies" He giggled again, biting his lip because they jiggled each time he laughed. You scrambled to pull your top up, shaking your head at his drunken antics. You managed to help him get changed before putting him to bed, your entire body feeling giddy and hot.

He was some how a menace and a man-child.

****

"Did...did I do or say anything stupid last night?" Bucky sheepishly stood at your doorway, rubbing the back of his neck, he really wasn't sure if he dreamt all of that or...

"Hmmm" You giggled, while Bucky groaned, burying his face in his hand. "You were very adorable, I promise. Nothing too bad"

Bucky wanted to sigh in relief but he knew, he just knew you were lying, the twinkle in your eyes was a dead give away. He blinked at you, waiting for you to tell him what he did, but you gave him a sweet smile instead. He almost thought it was in the clear but....

"In case you were still wondering, my biddies are a (y/b/s)

[ace-in-a-very-distressing-hole]

Thingies for the anxiety

If you're an anxious creacher like me, you probably don't like going places without assorted stuff. So I have made the executive decision to create a list of things that I have found good for putting into a little bag and carrying around with me.

+ Bottle of water - eminently practical

+ Deodorant - anxiety can make you sweatier, even more so in summer. This is your weapon to fight it

+ Lip balm - personally I find this can stop me from chewing my lip (no one likes a bleeding lip)

+ Something to fiddle with - this could be blu tack, a stress ball, a stim toy, etc, anything to keep your hands occupied

+ Gum - chewing on something can help ground you and a minty flavour helps keep your breath fresh

+ Tic tacs - optional, similar effect to gum but cuter and more focused on freshness than chewiness

+ Tissues - so, so useful, this is one of the things I'd recommend most

+ Hand sanitiser - keeps you clean clean clean, wards away the Bad textures. Especially good for emetophobia

+ Meds - whatever meds you need (again, good for emetophobes). Plasters are also useful

+ Snack - grab a snack you're more comfortable with potentially eating in public if need be. You need your energy boost <3

What do y'all find useful?

[strawbearisamu]

for a day like this

timeskip! hanamaki takahiro x gn! reader

summary: a coincidence on a train ride home leads to a confession and kissing in the rain.

note: requested by anon :) here, semi long one guys

cw: light swearing, semi makeout scene

wc: 1.8k 

the sky shrouded by a dense fog, the blue of it completely concealed by a covering of wooly grey clouds. rain continuing to pour from the desolute atmosphere as you heard a disembodied female voice announce the departure of the train. you sighed, train starting to move as you look out your window only to see a strike of lightning, the muffled thundering of the storm only growing louder, reminding you of the impending consequences of today's events.

"miss..miss...excuse me miss?" shaken from your daze, you meet the face of a middle aged woman carrying an infant and a young child, "miss, would you mind switching seats with me? there just isn't enough space for my baby's breastfeeding equipment on the other side." she asked apologetically, "even though i specifically requested it," mumbling the last part under her breath.

you press your lips in to a small smile, grabbing your things as she thanked you in relief, your eyes light up at a familiar shade of strawberry brown, occupying the very seat next to the one you were supposed to replace, "makki?" you couldn’t help the grin as called out from behind.

he whipped his head towards you, eyes widened, mouth slightly agape as he eyed you a few times. as if making sure you weren't a fake, making sure the familiar resonance and tenor of your voice, the one he replays to himself some nights, making sure it wasn't just an auditory hallucination. "y/n."

eyes lighting up with excitement, you speed up towards him, engulfing his sitting form in a warm hug, arms wrapped around his neck as he breaths in your scent.

"missed me huh?" you don't miss the playful glint in his eyes as you finally let him go. "yeah," a beaming grin displacing the forlorn look on your face.

"what were you doing in the city?" you asked, squeezing past him into the window seat as he towered over to the side of the walkway to make room, you see his eyes glaze over for a split second before he says "just a reunion with the boys."

"how are they! you guys were always quite the gang."

"yeah," he paused, slight hesitation lingering in his voice, "they're good i mean, really good."

the thunder crackling, a shot of lightning briefly lighting the gloomy sky as the scenery beyond your cabin window blurred with the speeding train.

"you look awful," he says, words slipping out absentmindedly, his eyes widening in absolute horror as he spluttered an apology, rambling on, "not as in you're ugly but your clothes, your stuff, it just looks a little...disheveled."

you burst into laughter, the first time today, "my bag was stolen today, some guy on a motorbike snatched it and knocked me over, it was crazy! i tried chasing him too!" you recounted the story again, but for the first time today, in humour.

"pfft, sorry not the point, you tried chasing him?" his mouth curving into his signature lazy grin.

"what's your point strawberry head?" narrowing your eyes at him as he raised his hands, pleading innocence. "you okay though?"

"i'll survive, can't say the same for my job, had some really important work documents there, weren't supposed make copies, now they're gone."

"oh..."

"yeah, i'm so pissed but well the jury will be out after the weekend," you sighed, "but anyway should we be talking about how you look just as bad as me, makki?"

a boyish laugh resonates from him, it does something to you, the familiar scratchiness of it inscribed in your mind from long ago. the corner of his eyes crinkled, "shit i guess i do," he said. "mhmm," you hummed, nodded along in laughter.

"the reunion," he cleared his throat, "i mean first off, this is not even close to being as bad as your day," he precautioned.

"just get on with it," you rolled your eyes.

twisting and fiddling the ring on his pinky, "just saw everyone doing really well, what with oikawa and iwaizumi being on olympic teams, even mattsun has a steady career and plan you know? i think i'm second guessing myself? i thought i was living life, having fun, but sometimes everything feels like filler before death.”

you nodded along to him, listening intently. you had always known makki to be more of a free spirit so this was rare.

"we all have those days," you mumble under your breath.

you let a comfortable silence fall between you, rummaging your bag for the slightly squished convenience store sandwich and your earphones.

"it’s tough huh, trying to find our place now.” you said, handing him one side of your earphones.

“yeah, so much easier when you’re two dumbasses goofing around, playing with erasers and tic tac toe during class," he slotted in the bud, and you do the same, as the ambient music filled your ears.

“you and mattsun?" you probed.

“no you, you and me.” for second his playful facade falters. his eyes lingering on yours as you held each other captive, your stare burning through his enigmatic grey eyes, a raw emotional intensity that made it seem like time had slowed down, neither of you finding the courage to make a move in the moment of impenetrable tension.

"i guess the rain is quite fitting for a day like this." you finally dared to look away, taking in the storm weathering just beyond your window, "but somehow i feel a little better now makki. maybe it's your pink hair."

"you do love it," he said, "i feel a little better too," he whispered, and you barely catch it.

—

he took a deep breath in, releasing it in a heavy sigh. “miyagi air right? nothing like it.”

“can’t tell if you’re a free spirit or an old man now.” you stepped off the platform, bags in hand.

"let me walk you tonight. you don’t have an umbrella.”

“neither do you?” you pointed out, handing him one of your bags as the both of you walked towards the exit.

"don't worry, i've got a plan," he winked a cheeky smile playing on his lips.

—

the wind howls, your hair violently blowing into his face, "this was your genius plan makki? run a little faster will you!" you shout over the blaring pour of the rain, incredulous.

"easy for you to say, you're not the one hauling your heavy ass bag." one of your bags slung around his shoulder, arms stretched around the both of you as he holds his jacket up for cover. well, your cover, his exposed side completely drenched.

"we're close," you called out, awkwardly trudging across the puddle ridden road, his warmth emanating from beside you as your heart raced in your chest, though you couldn't decide if that was the rain or makki, more probably both you finally decided.

"we actually made it in one piece." you breathe a sigh of relief as you finally made it under the roof of your home, catching your breath a little as he twisted his rain soaked jacket.

"what are you waiting for? aren't you gonna open it?" he asked.

"okay what?"

"open the door?"

"i don't have the keys, they got stolen remember?" you said dubiously, now working the water out of your clothes as he gave you a baffled look.

"what? how are we gonna get in?

"well i assumed you had the keys?"

"how in the world would in have your keys?"

"in that confe-, letter i gave you? said you were here all the time you might as well have the key and gave you a key?"

"letter? what letter, y/n?"

"wait the letter...you didn't receive it?" the colour in your face drained, you took a sudden notice to his drenched figure.

"you're soaked dumbass." you say in an attempt to quickly move on, unzipping your bag to pull out a fresh t-shirt. he tries to stop you but you don't let him.

"shut up just let me do this makki." you pull on his forearm, tugging him down to meet your eye-level, his face inches from yours as you gently pat his face and neck dry.

"is this just an excuse to kiss me?" the same lazy smirk playing on his face again but his expression morphs into an unreadable one, eyes clouding, "the letter," he whispered looking down at you, his bangs skirting his lashes as you dabbed his cheek with a t-shirt.

"you wish you could kiss me," you joke.

"i do wish," he doesn't.

"was it a confession?" you didn't answer him, "can i kiss you makki?" the burning desire held off long enough as you somehow found the courage to ask.

makki broke into a smile, clumsily taking your hands in his, hurriedly dragging you back into the rain shower. hard rain hitting you, massaging your head, but even as you felt your senses become overwhelmed your attention was still singly engrossed by the man in front of you.

"what are you doing? i just patted you dry!" you reprimanded him, shouting over the pour of the rain, looking up at him, now 6'1, his soft gaze easily slipping past your faux stern one.

"it's more dramatic this way," he whispered, his hand gently caressing your face, thumb running circles on the now flushed apples of your cheek, his eyes becoming clearer to you as you finally begun to understand the liquid grey eyes that held you captive for so long. your heart speeding up again, butterflies fluttering aggressively in your stomach.

you tiptoed a little, eagerly reaching a hand into his now drenched strawberry pink hair that you were always so fixated on. he responded in kind, securing an arm around your waist, hoisting you up, you body colliding into his warmth, lower lip tingling a little as he traced it with his slightly calloused thumb. finally, he cups your jaw, taking your lips in his.

his lips warm, soft, impossibly plush against your own, the soft tickle of your hair on his cheek, your honeyed taste playing on his tongue, the shared warmth between you melding into one, your heartbeat synchronous, in perfect parallel with your harmonised movement. lips slightly parted, he bit your lower lip as you moaned a little.

"you think the neighbours can see us?" you pulled away, holding his cheeks in your hands, still in a slight daze.

"don't know, don't care."

"when did it become a drizzle?" you asked as he shrugged in response, desperate to capture your lips in his again.

and you guys stood there, in the light drizzle of the rain, soft rays of sunlight finally peaking through the glum clouds, making out for the audience of your entire neighbourhood, enjoying the petrichor of the rain. because yeah you were still locked out of your house, yeah you were probably getting fired and yeah he still didn't know shit about what he was gonna do, but everything seemed just a little bit better.

"i guess the rain was quite fitting for a day like this.”

sol's comments: can you tell i have no idea how to write a makeout scene? :")

m.list | each and every reblop is appreciated ☻ (+ free hugs)

[eitelle]

— quizzes and o’s

↳ with iwaizumi

genre: friends to lovers

warnings: none <3 (i think...?)

pairings: iwaizumi hajime x fem!reader (she/her pronouns!!)

wc: 1.6k (��😟)

for my dearest angie @flushphoria i hope this satiates all your iwa pining and iwa thirst -love, an iwa kinnie

as an iwa kinnie this is def not based off of true events what.... 😵😵

games. contrary to popular belief, iwaizumi loved games. of course he never expressed this knowing how bad he was, and how angry he got, but nonetheless he loved games. only one person knew about this and that person happened to be... you.

you... iwaizumi wasnt sure of the emotions that arose when he thought of you. none bad, but some made him shift around or twiddle his thumbs- not a very iwaizumi thing to do. but he just couldn’t help it especially if it came to you. you two were friends, granted not very close, but still friends. you knew about his secret but in turn every time he bought a new game he would have to share with you and take one of your many personality quizzes.

to you, these quizzes were your way of getting to know him, and him you. not to analyze your relationship, or feel special that only you knew about his secret. of course not after all you guys were just.. friends. in your mind you thought of it as one big game. like tic-tac-toe but only instead of exes and o’s, it was quizzes and o’s. every o is a game and every quiz was a way of getting closer. no matter what you just kept wanting to get closer. and closer, and closer, and closer. until you could feel each others breathe, or feel his bulky arm muscles under your much more slender fingers. but this was a friendly feeling. a friendly feeling reciprocated from him. nothing more, nothing less. you guys were just.. friends.

you accepted him and to iwaizumi, that meant the world. sure you two werent best friends, no that was reserved for oikawa and y/bff/n. that didnt mean iwaizumi didnt want you to be safe, or close to him, or protected by him. no, quite the opposite. he loved doing your personality quizzes and reading about your results to know how to best know you, or being the person you ask for help with when you need to walk home and youre a bit scared.

he just wants to look out for you is all. like a best friend. no, just like a friend. he wants to protect you like a friend. thats why he smiles when he gets your notification, or text you about games even before he gets them, or asks you about yourself, or look at you immediately when you walk into a room because you catch his attention that much. its also why his gaze lingers a bit over friendly, or why he sometimes even growls at the men who look at you too long. these are just tendencies for friends is what iwaizumi convinces himself as.

over you and iwas... friendship, youve also grown to love video games, often when he walks you home everyday now, taking a couple months for him to consistently doing it him claiming “well people can so weird things every day so i might as well walk you home everyday”, to talk about them. sometimes you even just go over to his house and study after his volleyball practices which you started coming to more frequently only cheering him on, the rest of his teammates seeing the blush on his face.

while at his house youd do 1 hour at most of studying and play video games and laugh together for the rest of the time. one day you came to practice for the first day in a week, working on beating a boss throughout the week, iwa knowing this of course, after all you two were video game buddies. ew. that term was worse than friends. but then, what were you two? oh well thats a problem for future iwaizumi. right now he just wanted to look cool for you as practice.

“GO IWA,” he hears, the loud cheer coming from you on the bleachers waving your hands and grinning like a madman. he chuckles to himself about how cute you were and blushed. wait- cute? well, friends can be cute of course. thats not more than friendly its just an objective statement. yup, objective... statement... “yo iwa get your head in the game man stop thinking about chicks,” matsukawa smirks as he elbows iwa while passing him. “i am not thinking about chicks and my head is in the game. cmon we have people watching us dont we?” he says in reference to you on the bleachers. “i guess youre right,” matsukawa says while grinning.

up on the bleachers as you watch the match you cant help but look at iwa the entire time seeing how he blushed at your cheer. “that was cute,” you thought. cute- wait what? yeah, blushing is cute especially on him men, thats not something friends dont think about. its completely normal. completely normal, yup thats right. soon the practice match was over with iwas team winning.

as you bound down to talk to him about what youre going to study today the rest of the seijoh four gather in the locker rooms and stare at you and iwas interaction from inside unknown to you and him. “look at how excited shes getting, you think shes talking about me?” tooru asks, watching as you bounded down to him with a large smile on your face. “no way man, her eyes were on iwa the entireee time,” makki says with a grin. “you know what, these oblivious fools need a bit of a push. gather round boys ive got a plan,” matsukawa says.

fully changed and showered, the rest of the seijoh four enter as iwa says bye so he can change quickly. “so... iwa huh? i wouldve thought id be much more your type,” you hear from the brown haired boy to your right. “my type? no iwaizumi-kun and i are just friends,” you respond knowing they were iwas friends and to not embarrass him, you used honorifics though you normally dont. “oikawa shove off cant you see shes saying this because he loves her and wants to protect him? not anyone gets walked home daily by iwa you know,” you hear from the boy with thick eyebrows on your left. behind you you hear someone say, “guys knock it off its obvious they think their feelings arent romantic yet.”

“romantic,”? no you and iwa are just friends. but the more you think about it friends dont smile at notifications, or jump to answer texts, or walk home together every day, or know their secrets, or- holy shit youre in love with iwaizumi. as the realization crosses your mind it also crosses your face, the boys notice and kiss your cheeks, oikawa whispering, “thank us later gorgeous,” in your ear as iwaizumi exits the locker room to the sight of his best friends kissing your cheeks as your face heats up.

“HEY KNOCK IT OFF,” iwa yells as he storms over to you, the rest of the seijoh four scattering as he walks over to you and puts his hands on your cheeks. “are you ok y/n? im sorry about that,” he says as he pulls you into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around you. “you three. clean up and lock up im walking y/n home.” “yes iwa,” can be heard throughout the gym as iwa walks with his arm around your shoulders. as its already very late iwa just drops you off home, the walk home being quiet.

throughout iwa was wondering why he acted like that. like you were his. you werent his anything, just his friend. so why was he so jealous? they were his best friends for gods sake. then it clicked. all of the confusing feelings, all of the games and all of the quizzes finally clicked. he was in love with you. “iwa than-” “hajime,” he interrupts. “call me hajime.” as you become flustered you look down at your joined hands. “hajime, thank you for walking me home.” as you look up he stares into your eyes rendering you speechless. “y/n, i...” he started trailing off not knowing where he was going with it. “you know what, screw it,” he says as he puts his hands behind your head and drags you in for a kiss. as it is sudden youre frozen in place, your eyes wide open, but then you realize whats happening and you relax and melt into him and put your arms on his biceps. ‘huh so this is what it feels like being this close,’ you think. ‘much better than what i thought.’

once the kiss ended you both pull away looking at each other. “y/n,” “haji,” you two say at the same time. “you go first,” he says, beating you to it. “oh ok then. uhh well.. did that mean anything to you? because it did to me and i think im in love with yo-” you stop abruptly slapping your hand over your mouth as you realize what youd said. you quickly turn around, unable to meet his eyes. “i love you too y/n, and that meant everything to me,” he says with a smile. “we dont have to define anything at the moment, but if youd think about it id like for us to date.” as you turn around you stare at the ground before nodding and bringing your head up. “id like that too haji.”

that night you couldnt help but think, “im glad i defeated the final boss. i finished the game. no- im just getting started on the sequel.”

angie this is for u i hope u like it so im not gonna put anything else now im v tired this was a monster fic and reblogs r greatly appreciated !

-> back to haikyuu

hq general taglist: (fill out this form to be added) @babyshoyo @pelicanpizza @asaitashi [users in bold could not be tagged]

[theskywaslookingback]

[AO3] - [read the rest of the series here]

Martin has the TV set to a low murmur, letting Bake Off reruns play in the background as he combs his fingers through Gerry’s hair. It’s warm in the flat, the summer worming its way in through the cracks of the place and turning everything hot and tight. The fan is louder than the TV, oscillating back and forth between the two bodies slumped on the sofa and the one on the chair.

Jon grumbles as the movement rustles his papers, his glasses low on his nose and gaze intent on the paper he’s reading.

“You know,” Gerry says from his comfortable position on Martin’s lap, “if you didn’t assign so much work, you wouldn’t have so much to grade.”

Martin pinches Gerry’s ear in admonishment as Jon makes a noise of protest from his comfortable perch on the arm chair. Gerry yelps and then laughs, swatting at Martin’s hand.

“I’m just saying, you do this to yourself.”

“Hush,” Martin says, tugging gently on a lock of black hair, “It’s too hot to deal with you.”

Gerry hums, picking his head up enough to wink at Jon who just sighs in reply. Gerry settles back in and Martin resumes his petting. It’s nice, despite the heat, one of the very few days they have to spend together. Jon had offered to help out with a summer class at the university that had been overbooked and Gerry had recently been promoted to manager at the bar he’d been working for, which was all phenomenal and Martin was so proud of them both, but it left them all with shockingly little time together.

Martin’s thumb strokes down Gerry’s neck, rubbing over an old tattoo of an eye, pressing down slightly at the pupil. Gerry huffs a breath into his lap and turns just enough to look at him. “Hi,” Martin says.

“Hey.” Comes the soft reply, warm and fond.

Martin would very much like to kiss him, but that would require a level of flexibility he’s never possessed, so he settles for bringing his own hand up to his palm and kissing the center of it before setting it back down lightly over Gerry’s mouth. He can feel the smile tugging at Gerry’s lips before his palm is being kissed in return and Martin brings it back up to his mouth. “Tea?” He asks after finishing the ritual.

“Christ,” Jon says, letting his papers and pen fall onto the small table at his side. The pen jumps at the small shock and rolls off onto the floor. “Please? If I don’t take a break I may actually start pulling my hair out.”

“Well we wouldn’t want that.” Martin says.

“Mmm, I don’t know.” Gerry says, tapping his finger to his chin as if in indecision, “Bald can be sexy. I seem to recall a time when you shaved your head and it didn’t look that bad.”

“Oh?” Delight suffuses through Martin like honeyed sunshine, “Now that’s something I would have loved to have seen.”

Gerry’s face lights up and he sits bolt upright. “Wait here a second,” he says before hopping off the couch and bounding toward the bedroom. There’s a loud crack, like the door has banged off a wall, and then the sound of things hitting the floor in a hurry.

Martin looks over at Jon, bewildered, but Jon just gives a helpless shrug, looking just as lost as he feels. He’s about to get up and go see just what the hell Gerry is doing when he comes tearing back into the room, clutching something in his hands.

“Look!” He crows, clearly pleased with himself, and hands out a book to Martin.

It’s not very large, about the size of a standard journal, and bound in worn, brown leather. The front of it is scuffed, the top corner bent inward like it’d been stepped on or stuffed somewhere and left like that for a long time, forgotten. “What is-“

From the chair he hears Jon say, “Is that-“

But Gerry drowns them both out with his plea of, “Open it!”

So Martin does.

Inside the front cover is a mess of pen drawings and doodles. A stylized eye, a moth, an anarchy symbol, a middle finger, half of them overlapping and the lines blurring. There’s a burst of black in the top right, a dark blot like a burst pen. In the center of the mess are big blocky letters, all caps.

PROPERTY OF GERRY KEAY

Below that, in a much smaller font that Martin can only decipher from years of recognition and practice.

and Jon Sims.

Martin looks up at Gerry who just grins and flops back down on the couch next to him, pressing hard up against his side like he’s eager to watch. Martin flips to the next page.

There’s a polaroid taped to the center, two young boys staring up at him with twin grins of mischief and joy. The boy on the left has chestnut brown hair cropped short. His mouth and hands look sticky and stained a bright red, the likely cause of which being the ice lolly stick still clutched in his right hand. The boy on the right is much smaller, with unruly black hair and red stains on his button down shirt and a matching red mouth. At the bottom someone had written in a tight, cursive script ‘Gerard and Jonathan, August 1999.’ Someone had drawn an ice cream van on the bottom of the page. At the top, in Gerry’s capital letter font, were the words PARTNERS IN CRIME.

The following pages are similar, photos taped onto the pages, sometimes overlapping each other. Some were clearly taken by Jon’s grandmother - the two of them dressed in suits for some function, the two of them sitting at a table and studying, the two of them asleep in the backyard. Others were clearly taken by the two themselves - Gerry smoking a cigarette and flipping off the camera, Jon holding a bottle of beer, Jon reaching for the camera and looking angry, Gerry riding a skateboard, Gerry on the ground with his skateboard upside down next to him. Some of them held commentary - WE LOOKED LIKE TWATS we were eleven!, Gerry has never once landed a kick flip HEY!!!!, we stayed up waiting for the meteor shower, BEST MATES FOR LIFE. Even more held doodles - ocean waves crashing against a rock, a pair of doves, zig zag mazes and tic tac toe, a lit cigarette and a bottle of beer.

“Ah-ha!” Gerry exclaims when Martin is more than halfway through the book, jamming his finger down at the picture taped there.

Martin jumps and looks at him.

“I knew it was in here,” Gerry says smugly.

By this point it looked as if Gerry had already started dying his hair black and growing it long, almost past his shoulders. His eyes were rimmed in black eyeliner and he had at least two piercings that Martin knew hadn’t come with parental permission. Next to him was Jon, hair buzzed down to his scalp and scowling impressively at the camera, wearing a too large leather jacket and a t-shirt for a band Martin had never heard of.

“Oh!” Martin says, grinning, “It looks so good!” He looks up to gauge Jon’s reaction, maybe even tease him a bit, but the words die quickly in his throat.

Jon’s looking right at Gerry, his face a mass of emotions that Martin is at a loss to try and describe. His eyes look wet.

“Jon?” Martin asks, concern tugging away his amusement and leaving it raw.

Gerry’s head snaps up, his own smile rapidly disappearing in the weight of Jon’s gaze.

There’s a long moment where none of them say anything and the room is stifling from the heat and tension. Martin looks between the two of them, trying to piece together what on earth could possibly be wrong, but he’s coming up short on pieces to work with.

It seems like forever before Jon finally says, “You kept it?” The tone of his voice is raw and brittle.

Martin very gently closes the book and sets in down on the coffee table.

Gerry’s mouth opens and closes a couple of times, confused noises eeking out like the squeaking of a rusted hinge. He seems almost as lost as Martin is. Finally his words take shape and land on, “Yes? Yeah, of course I did. Why wouldn’t I have?”

Jon’s eyes flicker away, to the oscillating fan and then to the TV kindly asking if they were still watching. He picks at a loose thread on the chair, fingers working anxiously. “I thought…after your mother- after you left- I thought that…”

Gerry’s eyebrows pull together, his lips tipping down into a frown. “What? Did you think I’d thrown it away?”

Jon shrugs, first one shoulder and then the other, like the collapse of a building. “Just kind of...assumed.” His hands were wringing together now, picking at the skin gently and scratching at his wrist. “After the...after the funeral we weren’t really talking, and then you were just...gone. Thought maybe…” Jon shrugs again, this time lower, hunching himself down smaller, “maybe you didn’t want to remember.”

Oh, Martin thought distantly. Gerry’s mother, Mary, had died when he was only 16, apparently by suicide. It had been a sudden, violent thing that had sent Gerry’s childhood spiraling in a direction he couldn’t control. Less than a week from the time his mother had died, Gerry had been uprooted from the home in Bournemouth he’d always lived in and made to move in with a distant relative named Gertrude up in London. He’d barely had time to process any of it, let alone let Jon know what was happening. It was over ten years before they’d seen each other again, and the gap had always been a sore spot for both Jon and Gerry.

Gerry makes a choked noise and crosses the room in quick strides to kneel in front of the chair. He gathers Jon’s hands in his own, cradling them together. “No,” he says, so softly Martin can barely hear him, “Not you.” He brings their hands up so he can kiss the backs of Jon’s hands, brush his lips over the knuckles. “I never wanted to forget you.”

Jon’s breath hitches.

Martin watches Gerry hold Jon’s hands to his face and mumble something that he can’t make out. Jon’s fingers twitch in response and he huffs out a breath. After a moment he gets up and goes into the kitchen to make them all some tea, flicking the switch on the electric kettle and rummaging through the pantry to find the container of lemongrass tea that he knows Jon likes and the mint tea that Gerry prefers. It doesn’t take long, but he likes the ritual of it anyway. He gathers their two mugs in one hand, and his own mug of a spicy black tea in the other and heads back into the sitting room.

Jon has moved over to the couch, tucked under Gerry’s arm with the book in his lap.

Martin smiles and sets their tea down.

When Jon looks up, Martin bends down and kisses his forehead and then grins wider when Jon’s nose and forehead scrunch up.

“Okay?” Martin asks.

Jon waves at him dismissively but makes a grab for his shirt when Martin turns like he’s going to take the chair. “Yes,” he says, exasperated, “come here, please.”

Gerry squishes himself into the corner and pulls Jon closer to make room, so Martin sighs and fits himself in next to them on the sofa. It’s a cramped fit, but ultimately worth it for the way Jon relaxes against him, flipping absently through the book of memories on his lap.

“Gerry had a point, at least.” Martin says.

“Hm?”

“You looked good with a shaved head,” Martin says too lightly, “might be a good summer to try it again.”

Jon’s protests are drowned out by Gerry’s instant and joyous peal of laughter.

Jon says something about ‘nothing being sacred’, the tips of his ears burning, while Martin tries to hide his grin in his cup of tea. He almost succeeds.

[appanako]

Hanako and Tsukasa (separately) with a restless, hyperactive s/o who can't stay still for long. They struggle to hold conversations because they can't stay focused on the other person's words, but they appreciate anyone who talks to them despite this. Whenever the lads hug/cuddle/kiss the s/o, they start fidgeting and trying to slip away after a few seconds because they constantly feel the need to move but will try to restrain these impulses if the lads seem like they need the affection.

I was nervous about writing for Tsukasa but ended up enjoying it a lot… too much, even. Anyways! Your comments when you reblog my posts might as well breathe life into me andjdn 💖 I’ll have you know that I see you, and I love you. Hope you enjoy these!

hanako & tsukasa | with a hyperactive s/o

word count: 1395 words

warnings: tsukasa none

Hanako:

This lovely boy ALWAYS has his s/o’s best interest in mind. He knows they struggle sometimes, and he understands!

His s/o would be bouncing from wall to wall one minute, and he’d be right next to them, laughing with them about whatever they’re ranting one minute—

Or he’ll be floating at a distance when his s/o is feeling down.

Because, however endearing he may find them when they lose focus for a second but snap back to attention, or when they are fiddling with Hakujoudai in a moment of absent-mindedness, he sees how sullen his s/o can get when people make bad comments about them! :(

Luckily for his s/o, he knows exactly how to make their mood skyrocket in a second flat!

Perks of dating a hyperactive s/o like that is that he can get them outta the dumps real easy.

He’s… not great at heart-to-hearts.

But he is great at f u n!

Boundaries are one snap of his fingers away!

Fair in a boundary? Park? He’s got it covered.

Let’s not even go that far— they can do just about anything IN the school! Play cards with the Mokke if they can sit still long enough to finish the game, mess around in the kitchen, you name it!

So he basically just distracts them lmfao.

But the method’s worked thus far so??? No moping, no problem, right?

It’s all smiles when they’re together!

Hanako, the wholesome apparition, adjusts to his s/o’s pace perfectly.

“And then I bought my doll at—”

Oh, his s/o twitched a little. Of course he’d notice— is he talking too slow? Is that what’s giving them trouble engaging?

“—ThisOneBoundaryFullOfSexyItemsAnd—!”

Yeah, talking faster won’t help, Hanako. Bonus points for effort, though! They did not comprehend a single word lol— got distracted, oops!

He tries 😫👊

Given that his s/o is somehow able to touch him he’d be all over them.

He loves his s/o and giving them affection! When he sees them, his first instinct is to cheer and glomp them with a “Yay!”

He’d cuddle the rest of his ghostly life if he could. But his s/o just. Won’t. Sit. Still.

When they start whining that they want to be let go, he will— reluctantly.

He lets them go with a slight pout and watches as they give in to the urge to just move.

He gets it, but also he just wants some cuddles you know? :(

His s/o notices how Hanako is the actual embodiment of (｡í _ ì｡) and they feel bad cuz!! They also wanna show him some love! It’s just not easy!

It’s not like they can just be a statue and kiss him forever… so maybe a quick, small peck will do?

Hanako is ALL about that! He loves those!

One teeny tiny peck and after a moment of processing it he lights up and gets a blush and it’s cute af.

You know the big, close-eyed smile? That’s the one he makes.

After the first time, it’s over for his s/o.

He doesn’t mean to embarrass them, but every time he sees them in the hallways? Peck. When they’re on lunch break? Peck. Trying to focus in class? Peck.

They quickly react and to the folks that don’t see supernaturals it looks like they’re just laughing and talking to themselves.

“What’s up with them this time? Geez”

Hanako may or may not give them quite the fright because no one talks of his s/o like that.

But that’s another thing! If they can’t focus on the lesson, Hanako might just swoop in and have them play hang-man or tic-tac-toe with him instead of taking notes. Perhaps it doesn’t help them in the long run, but it certainly provides the relief they need at the time when they’re feeling jittery and restless in class!

He totally gets Tsuchigomori to tutor them later anyway.

On particularly good days, or when his s/o is just super tired, he gets to cuddle the daylights out of them!

While he adores to see them jumping around and laughing and talking of their most recent hyper fixation…

Sometimes he just wants to hold them, man.

He feels so lucky and incredibly thankful to have the bundle of joy that is his s/o.

And he doesn’t have it in him to see how his s/o is just as thankful and whipped for him for giving them a chance :”)

Tsukasa:

With any other partner, the matter of concern would be whether or not they can keep up with his s/o.

But, guys, this is Tsukasa.

It’s his s/o that has to match pace with him asdfg.

Like, not just physically. Emotionally he is ALL over the place. One moment he’d be much too clingy and all to sweet—

And then? He’d be acting upon his sociopathic tendencies and about to cut open a helpless Mokke and “(N/N)-Chan! Don’t you want to know what they look like from the inside, too?”

Yeah. Kid’s a lot to handle, alright.

It’s awfully convenient, he guesses, that his s/o gets distracted to easily.

They wouldn’t be particularly fond of watching how the human skull would look like if the others limbs solidified in the orifices where eyeballs and nostrils would be otherwise.

Or something.

So if they were to run off, attempting to catch a rapidly drifting paper crane while he has his fun, then he didn’t have anything to do with it.

How opportune, though!

When his switch is flipped, on the other hand:

Indeed, all too sweet. As in, so sweet it gives you cavities. And diabetes. And like, chronic pain or anything along those lines.

May not seem like it but I love Tsukasa I swear.

He’ll squish his s/o since they’re so cute and if they squirm around, wanting to be let go, he’ll tighten his hold on them and flash them a dangerous smile because they’re wrong if they think they can rid themselves of him.

They just want to move around. It’s not that deep, rat.

But when they do manage to escape his grip then he’ll whine and whine like a child wanting his guardian’s attention.

Way to make his s/o feel guilty.

The smug bastard will love it when his s/o kisses him, but he’s more of the boa-constrictor-hugger than the kissing type, really.

He pulls at their heartstrings when he starts with the puppy dog eyes. How can they say no when he looks at them like that?

He’s too cute, it’s unbearable.

So he makes them make an effort to sit still while he plays with their fingers or hair despite how much they may struggle with it.

If someone so much as scoffs in the direction of his s/o, they’re g o n e.

Because of his work in the shadows, no one will bother his s/o (and they’ll be none the wiser the entire time!).

His love may be twisted and it might be wrong, but love is love and he’s not afraid to literally cut open anyone that dares hurt the object of his corrupt affections.

Were his s/o to feel down any day for whatever reason, he’d ask and pester them and the moment he’s given a clue on who the one responsible is, anyone that vaguely matches the given description is gone— no questions asked.

But he makes sure his s/o doesn’t know. He’d hate for them to look sad because of him!

When they look so pleasantly broken, he’s the one to pick them up and show them all sorts of wonders to take their mind off the things that made them sad.

He’s their hero, and he intends to uphold that image.

When they’re having trouble expressing themselves, Tsukasa will gladly throw random guesses of what they mean to say that often have nothing to do with the topic at hand but it’ll make them laugh so what does it matter?

When they’re getting a far away look to them in the middle of a conversation, he’ll just switch to something else— easy peasy.

They’re a bit of handful, but it takes one to know one, so he knows just what to do to engage with his s/o.

Mans is nothing if not devoted. If he loves his s/o, then they’ll get all of his attention. Always.

[sensitive-switch]

Tickled in the Bathroom

Fandom: Be More Chill

Ship: Boyf Riends

Word count: 1105

TW: This is a tword fic so if you don’t like that then just keep scrolling ;)

Prompt: Basically just Michael in the Bathroom but with tickles (and slight angst at the end sorry about that-)

AN: requested by @bmeef-jermky - thanks for requesting this, I had fun writing it!

“Move it.” Jeremy said sternly, looking at Michael dead in the eye.

“Or else what?” Michael asked, his arms crossed as he stood in front of the door to the bathroom.

Jeremy walked towards him about to shove his friend aside. “Just get out of my way. Loser.”

Michael shook his head and smiled slightly. He had seen this behavior before ever since Jeremy had taken the squip. He was aware that his squip was deactivated temporarily because of the alcohol, however he knew Jeremy was used to it making him act like this, so he didn’t take it too personally. He was well aware that Jeremy didn’t mean any of what he had said, or at least that’s what he tried to tell himself.

Michael didn’t move. He just stood there looking at Jeremy. “You’ve changed Jeremy. Ever since you took that evil tic tac you’ve been a dick. Do you know what hasn’t changed?” He said with a straight face, leaving Jeremy in confusion.

“Uh, I don’t know?”

Michael scoffed and grinned evilly at Jeremy, wiggling his fingers in his direction. “You’re still incredibly ticklish~”

Jeremy felt his face turn pale. He and Michael had had their fair share of tickle fights, and they never went well for him. Michael was way stronger than him for one thing, and could get him pinned in seconds. At this moment Jeremy wanted to bolt out the door and hide from Michael, however he was blocking the door, of course.

“Michael, please don’t I’m so sorry!” Jeremy said, the words spewing out of his mouth quickly as Michael walked towards him.

Michael simply shook his head. “Nope, too late for that Jer. Should have thought about the consequences before hurting my feelings.”

Before Jeremy could speak he found himself pinned to the wall, Michael’s hands on his shoulders.

“Michael, please don’t do this-” He said weakly, looking at Michael with pleading eyes.

“Nope, you’ve left me no choice.” Michael then started digging into Jeremy’s underarms, causing him to start shrieking right away. “Yep, just as ticklish as I remembered.” Michael teased.

“MICHAEL PLEHEHEHEASE I’M SORRY!” Jeremy kept his arms glued his sides by instinct, trapping Michael’s hands which did not help him.

“I’m afraid sorry won’t do it. You really hurt my feelings. Truly Jer. I think this is the only way to show you how your words have hurt me.” Michael said, ignoring the fact that Jeremy was screaming right in front of him. Michael then moved his hands to Jeremy’s sides, lightly scratching along them.

“MICHAEL LET ME GOHOHOHO!” Jeremy cried out, his arms hugging his sides even though Michael’s hands found their way under them.

Michael laughed. “Jer, I’m just getting started!” The dark haired boy moved his hands from Jeremy’s ribs to his sides quickly, smirking the whole time.

Jeremy was unable to speak at this point, he was just quickly moving his arms to protect himself from Michael’s attacks.

“Jeremy, stop doing that with your arms, I’m trying to tickle you!” Michael said in a teasing tone. “Do I need to hold your arms?” He said while lessening the tickles so Jeremy could talk.

“PLEHEHEASE DON’T” Jeremy whined. Michael shook his head and held Jeremy’s wrists above his head with one hand, and lightly tickled his underarm with the other hand.

“Aw, too bad, looks like I already did!” He teased, causing Jeremy to start shrieking again. He wanted to end Jeremy’s suffering soon, so he went for the kill right then.

“One more spot~” Michael said, moving his free hand to Jeremy’s stomach and lightly squeezing it.

Jeremy was squirming around as much as he could, trying to get Michael off him, laughing the whole time. Michael then lightly spidered his hand across Jeremy’s stomach, which surprisingly was even worse for him.

“MICHAEL STOHOHOHOHOP!” Jeremy managed to say in between giggles. At this point he didn’t try to fight back as he was too weak.

Michael finally took his hands off Jeremy and stood back a bit, crossing his arms. Jeremy collapsed on the ground, slightly dramatically, causing Michael to burst out laughing. “I will never get sick of that!” He teased, sitting next to Jeremy.

The two boys then exchanged looks while sitting on the ground. Jeremy looked into Michael’s dark brown eyes, as if he knew what he was thinking. Michael did the same before putting an arm around Jeremy and pulling him into a hug.

“I miss you Jeremy,” Michael said. Jeremy bit his lip to try and hold back any unwanted emotions.

“I’m still here Michael, I always will be.”

“Right, but you’ve changed, I want my Jer-bear back.” Michael sniffled slightly as he said this, quickly wiping his tears as he didn’t want Jeremy to see him. Jeremy took a deep breath and faced Michael.

“I’m sorry Michael. Going into this I had no clue about the whole ‘optic nerve blocking’ thing. You’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. I hate how that’s changed lately. Truly, I have.”

Michael teared up more hearing Jeremy say this. He looked back at Jeremy for a second, studying his face.

“What are we gonna do?”

Jeremy shrugged. “All I can say is, once I’m sober, and once the squip reactivates and the optic nerve blocking starts, please just remember that I love you. Whatever happens between us when my squip is in control doesn’t mean anything.”

Michael let out a sigh and nodded. “I’ll try to remember that. Also, I don’t know how to say this, but can you try and drink more often so I can hang out with the real you?” Michael asked, booping Jeremy’s nose.

“I mean, as much as I can without getting a drinking problem,” Jeremy laughed, pulling Michael into another hug.

Suddenly, someone started knocking on the door, startling both of them.

“Hello? Other people need to pee!” Michael and Jeremy exchanged nervous looks. They both recognized that voice as Jenna Rolan’s.

“I-I’m having my period!” Michael shouted, causing Jeremy to start laughing.

“Take your time honey!” Jenna said before leaving. The two boys exchanged looks again and continued giggling.

They soon were interupted again though as Rich crashed through the door, startling them both. Jeremy covered his ears as he knew what was coming. Rich took a deep breath.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY” Rich screamed as he saw Michael and Jeremy cuddling on the floor.

“Rich, why don’t you go bother someone else.” Michael said, pulling Jeremy closer. Rich rolled his eyes and started towards the door before turning back to face them.

“Before I leave, got any Mountain Dew Red?”

[crystalninjaphoenix]

MerMay 2021 Day Thirty-One Reunion

“This is no fun, we always tie,” Muirin said, brushing sand and erasing the game of tic-tac-toe they’d been playing.

“Well what do you want to do instead?” Sereia asked. “I need to do something, I can’t just sit here and keep worrying.”

Muirin shrugged. The two of them looked around. When Stacy and Chase had gone off on their scouting/possible rescue mission, the kids had been told to stay behind and wait, with the others looking after them. And now they were all sitting on the ocean floor. Or at least most of them were. Jackie kept swimming back and forth, pacing the waters as he tended to do when anxious about something. The other three—Marvin, Jameson, and Schneep—were sitting nearby, also playing a game drawn in the sand. It wasn’t familiar to the two kids, but it involved moving around pebbles. “We could teach some of them to play,” Muirin suggested.

“Oh, yeah, that could work. They’d probably suck at it and one of us would actually win,” Sereia joked. She pushed away from the ocean floor and upward into the water. “Let’s—”

Jackie suddenly shouted. “Something’s happening up there!” He swam up towards the surface, but before he could even make it, there was a big splash, and a flurry of bubbles as something big fell into the water. The kids gasped, and the three merms playing the game jumped to attention. Jackie didn’t wait for the bubbles to clear and dove right in. The others heard him scream in excitement. And when the bubbles cleared, Jackie had Chase and Jack in a big hug.

“Jack!” Marvin shouted.

“My friends!” Schneep gasped.

Both of you?! Jameson signed, stunned.

“Dad!” The kids cried out in unison.

And everyone swam forward, joining Jackie in hugging the other two. Excited voices overlapped each other so that nobody could make out any words. But it didn’t matter. The relief and happiness were almost physical presences as everyone laughed and chattered. Chase gave his kids each a tight squeeze, and Jack looked around, confused but overjoyed. It was a good few minutes before everyone pulled away.

“How are you awake?” Schneep asked, looking Jack over for any injuries. “Did Chase do it?”

“Did he wake me up? Uh, no, I just kinda...woke up. Apparently. I mean, I don’t remember falling asleep, really,” Jack explained. “Something happened, though, right? I can figure out that much.”

“Oh yeah, a lot of things happened, but right now, I—oh my gods, you’re okay!” Jackie couldn’t resist giving Jack another quick hug. “It’s a fucking miracle! We were so, so worried.”

You’re alright, right? Jameson asked. What happened after you woke up?

“Well, I was in this weird place with a bunch of humans, and at first, it was like they were kind of watching me, you know? In this small tank,” Jack explained. “But then they moved me to a bigger one, and there was another merm there—do you remember that electric eel? I mean, Jackie does, he scratched him up, but—why are you all looking at me like that?” The other four were staring at him, equally wide-eyed in a strange combination of surprise, fear, and a bit of anger.

Marvin was the first to look away, turning his attention to the ocean floor. “Hey!” he shouted, swimming downwards.

It turned out that the large thing that fell in the water was a glass tank. Now it was upside down on the sandy floor, and Anti was half-pinned underneath it, the glass wall coming down on his tail. He was trying to wriggle out from under it, but froze when he heard Marvin shout and saw him approaching. After a few seconds, he growled at him. But Marvin wasn’t paying attention to him. He darted around the tank and picked up a reddish stone sphere that had landed nearby. Then he immediately retreated.

Jack glanced around, taking in the way everyone was tense, looking at Anti with caution in their eyes. Chase had positioned himself in front of Muirin and Sereia protectively. “Um...” He wasn’t really sure what to say, other than reiterating that he didn’t know what was going on.

Anti managed to pull himself out from under the glass tank, but didn’t move afterwards. He looked at the others, huddled in a group, then looked up towards the surface, and then out towards the open sea, and finally back at the others.

“Are you...okay?” Jack asked.

And Anti nodded slowly.

“Jack...do you not remember anything?” Schneep whispered.

“What? I mean, I don’t remember a lot. But you know what? I can figure out that you guys don’t like him, for some reason,” Jack waved in Anti’s direction. “I mean, I know he attacked Jackie and me, but—”

“Oh, Mr. Jack, there’s a lot more,” Sereia piped up. Chase looked back at her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “He’s, uh...a bad guy, basically.”

“Do you know what this is?” Marvin asked, holding up the reddish stone.

“One of your power stones?” Jack guessed, shrugging. 

“I...okay, kind of? But no?” Marvin looked over at Jameson for help.

It’s a siren stone, Jameson explained. If a merm has siren blood, it lets them control others through the power of their voice. He paused. Anti used it on you. That’s why you fell asleep.

“Really?” Jack looked back over at Anti. Jackie and Schneep had broken off from the rest of the group, and now Jackie was circling above Anti while Schneep hesitantly looked him over for injuries. “I, uh...don’t remember that. I...really?”

“And he did a lot of messed up stuff after that,” Chase said. Jack was surprised to hear a bit of anger in his voice. “I...we don’t have time to tell the whole story right now. But trust me on this.”

“Uh...okay.” Jack couldn’t quite believe this. Yes, he remembered Anti attacking him, and Jackie telling him that the eel had done the same to him. But...for all his aggressiveness, Jack couldn’t picture Anti doing that. Anti hadn’t seemed hostile towards him while they were both in tanks in that human facility, just towards the humans who showed up. And even then, he’d dropped it the moment the humans left, returning to being...quiet, really. And more than a little scared. “I mean...you guys wouldn’t lie about that, I guess.”

The others relaxed a bit. “It’s good to have you back, Jack,” Marvin said, smiling.

“Hey, it’s good to be back. Those were a strange few days.”

Nothing happened to you? Jameson asked, clearly worried. The humans didn’t do anything?

“Not really. They just kinda watched me.”

Meanwhile, Schneep was backing away from Anti, apparently having found no injuries. Though he still looked a bit worried. Jackie let out a breath of relief, and moved downward, reaching towards Anti. The moment his hand touched Anti’s shoulder, there was an audible ZAP! accompanied by a lot of green-tinted electricity. Anti jumped, scrambling backwards across the sand, and for a moment, he looked utterly terrified. Then he bolted.

“Hey!” Schneep shouted. But as Anti got farther away, he sighed, and didn’t pursue him. Instead, he made sure Jackie was alright, who looked very dazed after that electric shock.

“Uh...should we do something about that?” Chase asked, worried.

I think it’s fine, for now, Jameson said, though he also looked anxious. We should focus on more important things. Jack’s missed a lot.

Marvin suddenly gasped. He rushed over and grabbed Jack’s hand. “Jack! Jack, Jamie and I are gonna be life friends!”

“What? Seriously?! Oh my gods, congratulations!” Jack laughed. “Can I say that I knew it would happen all along, even if I didn’t?”

There was another splash in the water, a smaller one. This time, the bubbles cleared, and revealed Stacy, wearing a wetsuit, goggles, and scuba gear. The kids shouted and rushed over, Chase following shortly after. “Everything good?” he asked.

Stacy gave him a thumbs-up.

And Chase sighed in relief. “Ha. Roxy’s gonna be so mad about you rolling the tank into the ocean.”

Stacy shrugged—as if to say “eh, it doesn’t matter”—and turned her attention to the kids, who were swimming all over her. Sereia kept trying to get a piggyback, but was foiled by the fact that she currently had a tail instead of legs. That made Chase laugh.

Jack swam over to him. “Soooo...are you guys officially partners again?”

Chase blushed. “Well, I—” And Stacy nodded. That only made him blush more.

“God, I really missed a lot, didn’t I?”

“You sure did!” Jackie swam back over. It appears he wasn’t too hurt by that electric shock, though Schneep was following him closely, trying to keep checking him. “Gods, I mean, everything happened. Schneep had a neighbor for a bit there.”

Schneep huffed. “She was quite rude about it, at first. But, ah...things were better. She made Jackie’s new shirt.”

“Okay okay,” Jack laughed. “Why don’t we talk about this now? I get a feeling it’ll take a while.”

The group settled down. Eventually Stacy and the kids had to get out of the water, but Sereia and Muirin insisted on sticking around. The merms took turns filling Jack in on everything that had happened while he was asleep, good and bad, major and minor. They told him that Sam was alright, which was a relief. And they told him what Anti had done, which was a surprise. It took a while, with everyone jumping in and interrupting each other and getting off track. By the time they were caught up to present day and the rescue, the sun was starting to set, and Stacy and the kids definitely had to leave. She had to return the van to the Institute of Marine Biology, after all. And they had to start packing, because tomorrow would be the last day they’d rented the beach house for.

The merms could have gone their separate ways then and there. But, now that all of them were together again, they really didn’t want to. They kept talking, well into the night, about things that didn’t really matter but that felt important to them. And eventually, right there, a few miles off the coast, they all fell asleep together. It was a bit awkward at first, finding the right position, but in their sleep, they all huddled closer together, until they were piled up. Chase and Jack were at the bottom, next to each other, Schneep wrapped around them, Jackie spread out on top, and Jameson and Marvin together, a bit to the side. It was warm, peaceful, and all of them fell asleep, completely content.

None of them knew that a few hours later, in the dead of night, a pair of glowing green eyes would return, staring at them. Anti watched for a while, shocked that they’d fall asleep out in the open, where anyone or anything could attack at any moment. Including him. For a moment, he was tempted. They wouldn’t bother him again. He’d never worry about them killing him ever again. But...would they actually do that? He was surprised to find that he thought they wouldn’t. And...it was...cruel, to attack something that was no risk to you. Wasn’t it? Hadn’t he known that for years? So...why was he considering it?

Shaking his head, Anti slowly backed up, then turned and left. Where he was going, he wasn’t sure. He never was, really. Maybe he’d find these merms again. Maybe they’d find him. Only time would tell. As Anti headed out into the open sea, he turned to look back towards the six one last time, then disappeared.

[thehollowprince]

Civil War Fixit #4

Parts One, Two, and Three (updated for easier browsing)

Notes: sorry for the long wait, but, as many of you know... life happens. Plus, ever since Endgame, I've been less than enthused about this whole universe. My love for Steve has diminished, but I still remember what was and what should have been, so here we go.

I didn't really feel like doing all of the action sequences, because I feel like the most character growth happens in those "In Between" scenes, so this takes place after the Winter Soldier was activated by Zemo and the escape from the CIA facility. It picks up just before the airport battle.

Steve, Sam and Bucky sat silently in the old Beetle, waiting for their reinforcements to show up.

Bucky eventually broke the silence. "So who's the girl?"

"Buck." Steve sighed.

"What?" Bucky asked. "Its a fair question from your old best friend." The super soldier reasoned. "This girl violates a dozen laws, steals our equipment back and you lay one on her. And judging by both of your expressions, that was the first time you two did that."

"Did I ever tell you how creepy it is that you analyze everything now?" Steve rebuttaled.

"No." Bucky plowed forward. "She must be a pretty special girl."

"You've no idea." Sam muttered under his breath.

"Sam." Steve said with a warning in his tone.

"What?" Sam fired back. "She is a special girl. You two spent the last two years dancing around each other and now is when you decide to make a move? When we're wanted criminals?" Sam huffed. "You really do have horrible timing."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, first you kiss Peggy back in the day."

"You and Peggy kissed?" Bucky interrupted.

"Yeah, just before he flew a plane into the Arctic." Sam said.

"And now you finally make a move on Sharon, just before we're going to break a whole mess of international laws?" Bucky questioned. "Sam's right, you do have bad timing."

"Oh, and we didn't even get to the part where Sharon is Peggy's niece."

"Sam!" Steve was exasperated.

Bucky, for his part, just looked from Sam to Steve and back again, unsure if this was some kind of joke or not. Thankfully, Steve was saved from any more of this awkward conversation by the arrival of a big, white, serial-killer style van.

"Oh, look, backup's here." Steve said and immediately exited the vehicle to greet the driver, who was none other than Clint Barton.

Bucky stared after his old friend before turning to look at Sam with an incredulous look.  “Her niece?”

“Yeah.” Sam sighed.  “Though, to be fair, we didn’t know that until yesterday.”  He then opened the car door and exited the vehicle.

Outside, Steve approached Clint and shook hands with his old teammate.  “Thanks for coming.”

“Cap.”

“You know I wouldn’t have called if I had any other choice.”

“Hey man, you’re doing me a favor.” Clint waved off Steve’s Steveness.  Behind him, Wanda climbed out of the passenger seat.  “Besides, I owe a debt.”

“Thanks for having my back.” Steve nodded at her.

“It was time to get off my ass.” Wanda replied. Her attention was diverted to behind Steve’s broad shoulders to where Sam was struggling to hold in his laughter, phone in hand as Bucky attempted to navigate his way out of the back seat.  This video would definitely go viral.

“What about our other recruit?”

“He’s rarin’ to go.” Clint answered, walking back to the van and slid the side open, revealing a passed out Scott Lang laying on the seat.  The moment the door was all the way open, rocking the van, Scott jolted awake.  “Had to put a little coffee in him, but...” He looked at Scott, who seemed confused as to where he was.  “... he should be good to go.”

“What time zone are we in?” Scott asked as he yawned and stretched, sliding out of the van to place his feet on solid ground.  He steps forward, ignoring the weird tingles in his legs indicating they were waking up, and immediately accepted the hand presented to him, without really realizing who it was attached to.  That is, until he realized who’s hand he was shaking and just kind of gaped at the man.  “Captain America.”  He looked both amazed and dumbfounded at the same time.

“Mr. Lang.” Steve replied, his hand still in Scott’s grip, but too polite to pull back on his own.

“It’s an honor.” Scott was still shaking Steve’s hand, and only now seemed to realize it.  “I’m shaking your hand way too long.”  Despite saying that, he continued to shake the hand in his grasp.  “Wow, this is awesome!  Captain America.”  He seemed to realize what he was doing and stopped shaking Steve’s hand, looking around him at the other people assembled in a parking garage, his eyes landing on Wanda.  “I know you, too.  You’re great. My daughter loves you.”  Wanda smiled in return as Scott turned back to Steve again, feeling up the super soldier’s epic shoulders.  “Jeez.”

Scott snapped out of his hero-worship and stepped back, hands to himself.

“Ah, look, I wanna say, I know you know a lot of super people, so... thanks for thinking of me.”  He spotted Sam over Steve’s incredibly broad shoulders.  “Hey, man!”

“What’s up, Tic Tac?”

“Uh, about what happened last time...”

“It was a nice audition, but it... it won’t happen again.” Sam said firmly.

“What happened last time?” Steve found himself asking.

“Well, you see, I, uh...” Scott started, only to be interrupted by Sam.

“It’s not important.”

Steve looked between the two, Sam staring firmly at Scott, who looked a bit sheepish.  “... okay?”  He turned back to Scott. “They tell you what we’re up against?”

“Something about... psycho-assassins?” Scott supplied, not sounding entirely sure.

“We're outside the law on this one. So, if you come with us, you're a wanted man.” Steve said, laying everything on the line from the beginning.

“Yeah, well, what else is new?” Scott said with a shrug. 

“We should get going.” Bucky supplied, finally free from the metal death-trap.

“We’ve got a chopper all lined up.” Clint said.

A voice speaking in German sounded over the loud speakers in the garage, with Bucky looking up first, “They’re evacuating the airport.”

“Stark.” Sam said with a sigh.

“Stark?” Scott questioned.

“Suit up.” Steve commanded.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve, now all suited up in his Captain America uniform, jogged across an eerily vacant tarmac toward the chopper that Clint had pointed out.  His eyes scanned back and forth, knowing that Tony and Rhodey and who knows who else was with them was lurking around here somewhere.  Less than ten meters to the chopper and some sort of electro-doohickey that he didn’t understand landed on the machine, frying the engine and rendering it useless.  Steve skidded to a stop and watched as Tony and Rhodey, Iron Man and War Machine descended from the sky.

“Wow, it's so weird how you run into people at the airport. Don't you think that's weird?” Tony joked, always with the quips, even in a serious situation, because he obviously didn’t know how to read the room... so to speak.

“Definitely weird.” Rhodey agreed, always following Tony’s lead.

“Hear me out, Tony.” Steve interjected, trying to talk sense into his former teammates.  “That doctor, the psychiatrist, he's behind all of this.”

To his left, T’Challa jumped over a parked truck and landed in a crouch before standing up to his full height in his black vibranium suit. “Captain.”

“Your highness.”

“Anyway, Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in. That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out?” Tony announced, retracting the helmet of his suit so he could talk to Steve face to face.

“We’re not brothers.” Steve countered.  “We’re not even friends.”

“Hmm.” Tony huffed.

“You’re after the wrong guy.” Steve tried to reason with him.

“Your judgment is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday.”

“And there are five more super soldiers just like him.” Steve tried to explain.  “If you would just shut up and listen to me, I could explain.”  Tony’s face darkened.  “I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't.”

“Steve... you know what’s about to happen.” Rhodey said, retracting his own helmet.  “Do you really want to try and punch your way out of this one?”

“Wait.” Natasha walked up, dolled out in her own tactical gear.  “What do you mean there are five more?”

“Alright, I’ve run out of patience.” Tony said.  “Underoos!”  Steve was obviously confused for a moment, until he saw a shadow flip over him.  His shield was wrenched from his hands, which were suddenly tied together with some kind of material he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know what it was.  Looking up, he saw a man in a red and blue costume with a web-like pattern, his shield in this person’s hand.  “Nice job, kid.”

“ Thanks. Well, I could've stuck the landing a little better. It's just the new suit… Well, it's nothing, Mr. Stark. It's--it's perfect. Thank you.” Steve’s eyes narrowed the more he listened to this man - this boy - talk.  On Tony’s side, Natasha’s expression was similar.

“Yeah, we don't really need to start a conversation.”

“ Okay. Cap . . . Captain. Big fan, I'm Spider-Man.” He saluted Steve.

“Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Just...”

“Hey, everyone.” Spider-Man waved at the assembled heroes.

“... Good job.” Tony finished.

“You’ve been busy.” Steve said icily, his glare directed solely at Tony.

“And you've been a complete idiot.” Tony fired back.  “Dragging in Clint. 'Rescuing' Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place.” Steve snorted at that.  “I'm trying to keep . . . I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.”

“You did that when you signed.” Cap retorted.  “And when you dragged in this kid.” He nodded toward Spider-Man.  “How old are you?”

“That’s not important - “ Tony started to say.

“No, that is a good question.” Natasha interrupted.  “How old are you?” She directed her question at Spider-Man.

“I... uh...” Peter wasn’t sure what to do.  The scary redhead was on Tony’s side, but Tony wanted him to stay a secret.

“If he’s over sixteen, you can keep my shield.” Steve interjected.  Now everyone was looking at Tony, with mixed expressions of shock and even outright anger.

“Alright, We're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us. NOW!” Tony was shouting by the end of the sentence. “Because it's us! Or a squad of J-SOC guys... with no compunction about being impolite.”  Steve looks aside, as if he’s deep in thought.  “Come on, man.”

Meanwhile, in Steve’s comms, Sam was talking to him.

“We found the Quinjet.  Hanger five, north runway.”  Steve nodded before holding up his hands, almost looking like he was surrendering.  An arrow pierced the material that bound his hands, freeing them.

“Okay, Lang.” Steve said into his comms.

“Hey, guys, something’s happening.” Spider-Man said, usure of what was going on but sensing something.  He spotted a really tiny man on Captain America’s shield, who quickly turned normal sized and knocked Spider-Man away, before flipping off the truck and handing the shied back to Steve with an exaggerated “I believe this is yours, Captain America.”

Rhodey’s and Tony’s helmets went back up.

“There’s two in the parking deck.” Tony said, using his suit’s enhanced features to spot them.  “One of them’s Maximoff.  I’m gonna grab her.”  Tony started to take off.  “Rhodey, you wanna deal with Cap?”

“Got two in the terminal.” Rhodey said as he also started to rise into the air.  “Wilson and Barnes.”

“Barnes is mine!” T’Challa snarled, immediately racing off in that direction.

“Mr. Stark, what should I do?” Spider-Man asked, sounding more and more like a frightened teenager.

“What we discussed.” Tony snapped over his comms.  “Keep your distance and web ‘em up.”

“Okay, copy that.” Spider-Man leapt off of the ground and produced another of those spider web lines and swung toward the terminal.

The fight was on.

[dweetwise]

Can you make headcanons about how survivors react when something triggers Quentin's PTSD?

another one from the depths of my inbox, sorry for the wait! i’m not super familiar with ptsd so read this as more of a,,, quentin has an unspecified mental health related episode and the others comfort him. tw for general mental illness, i’m not sure how to specify so be careful!

Survivors comforting Quentin headcanons

Dwight momentarily forgets all about his own anxiety, wanting to make sure Quentin is managing. He’ll carefully ask if there’s anything he needs, and if there is, you’d better be sure he’s delivering it, no matter how awkward he is at something like a simple hug.

Meg is a little rough around the edges and just wordlessly pulls Quentin into a strong bear hug, despite him trying to tell everyone that he’s actually ok and it’s not a big deal.

Claudette never quite knows what to say, but brews him one of her herbal teas that’s supposed to soothe the nerves. It tastes like shit but at this point Quentin is so conditioned he instantly starts calming down when drinking it.

Jake knows Quentin prefers to get away from crowds, so he’ll walk away into the woods or to the edge of camp. The first few times the others gave him shit for it, but went quiet as soon as Quentin got up and joined him, immediately seeming much more calm.

Nea is uncomfortable with such raw displays of emotion. Often she’ll just leave to get Laurie or Cheryl, knowing that’s the best she can do to help.

Laurie will sit next to Quentin in solidarity and hold his hand, not saying a word. She doesn’t mind that sometimes he squeezes her hand hard enough to hurt.

Ace will try to distract Quentin from spiraling, often making stupid knock knock jokes that require some of Quentin’s input. But if he’s too far gone, Ace realizes to back off and, for once in his life, shut his big mouth and let the others handle it.

Bill always takes some distance, not trusting his ability to deal with such a delicate situation. He always offers what he hopes is an encouraging “You’ll pull through, kid, you’re stronger than you think” before he leaves.

Feng is a little tactless and tries to force her own coping strategies on him, often insisting on distracting him with games like tic-tac-toe or go fish.

David is surprisingly good at talking someone through a rough time. “Ah shit, another one?” he’ll cringe in sympathy, sitting down next to Quentin when he’s having an episode. “Take all the time ya need, lad. We’re not goin’ anywhere.”

Tapp is an expert at herding the others away to give Quentin space. Depending on who is present, he’ll give his scariest glares until only a couple of people are left to try to comfort the teen.

Kate will offer some casual affection, petting his hair while singing a soft tune, making sure that it’s a vastly different melody than a certain all-too-familiar lullaby.

Adam will try to talk him through it with facts. Telling him where and when he is, that whatever he’s experiencing is in the past, and that nobody can hurt him at the campfire.

Jeff is no stranger to mental health issues and is a comforting presence, lingering nearby in case Quentin needs a shoulder to cry on and offering a much needed “This too shall pass” mentality.

Jane is an expert at words of reassurance. “Shh, you’re safe here, he can’t hurt you, we’re all here for you and love you.” It’s not uncommon for Quentin to cry if Jane is with him during a rough time.

Ash does what he does best: get all eyes on him. He can see Quentin doesn’t like too many people hovering around him, and will put on a show of telling crude stories or bad jokes to give the boy some breathing room.

Nancy always wants to help, but is cautious because she doesn’t want to make the situation worse. She’ll only step in if nobody else does, sitting a respectable distance away and repeating generic “It’s okay” sentiments.

Steve on the other hand gets right in on the action, trying to cheer Quentin up with encouraging touches like a hand on his shoulder while he brings up some good moments they’ve had together, smiling like a million suns if he manages to make Quentin laugh.

Yui will try to keep a distance for Quentin’s sake, recognizing she’s not the most affectionate or soft-spoken member of the group. However, she truly shines if the Entity dares to bring Quentin into a trial in a bad state of mind, protecting him with all her might and even guilting some of the killers into letting him go.

Zarina used to practice mindfulness in the real world and finds that it helps Quentin. She’ll instruct him to focus on his breathing or look at a certain spot and every now and then, it’s enough to get him out of his own head.

Cheryl relates so much it’s not even funny. The two are a lot alike and she’s one of the few ones Quentin is comfortable opening up to, most of the survivors content to step back if Cheryl is there.

Felix is hesitant to help, seeing as he’s the newest to the group. But if most of the others are absent, he’ll do his best to channel some of his inner dad role and offer his help to the clearly struggling boy.

[shortace]

The Adventures of Gloop and Angry Hamster in the Dimension of Fire Unfamiliar Environment with a Kid Who’s Going To Get Fired

Gloop was pretty smart for a goldfish. It came, he thought, of spending too much time in close proximity to Myles Fowl. That alone, however, would have done nothing; it took the intermediary efforts of the trans-species polyglot Beckett for anything Myles said to make any sense to Gloop. 

Angry Hamster wasn’t very smart, even for a sculpture made of shredded IQ tests held together with saliva. He was too busy being angry because he couldn’t figure out which number came next after 37, 34, 31, 28. Gloop could have told him the answer was 25, of course, and Myles would have informed him that IQ tests really only measure how good you are at standardised tests but his was 170 thank you very much. But Angry Hamster never thought to ask. He wasn’t that smart. 

Dolphin was a dolphin, and exactly as smart as a dolphin.

The sun shone, and a light breeze played with the tips of the waves. No record survives concerning the nature of the game, but possibly Tic-Tac-Toe. What we do know is that the ocean won. The ocean always does.

But Dolphin, leaping and frolicking, cared nothing for the breeze, or the sunshine, or the Tic-Tac-Toe. Her only concern was to have no concerns. And she was remarkably good at it. 

The low hum of a far-off boat reached Dolphin's ears, but she paid it no mind. It wasn't her concern.

Inside Villa Eco, young Myles Fowl was trying to comfort his twin brother Beckett. He wasn’t very good at it, as he often failed to grasp that emotions do not respond to logic.

'She's a wild animal, Beck,' he said again. 'She does wild things.'

'But she said she'd be there!' Beckett insisted. 'Dolphins don't break promises, brother.'

'Your sample size is one,' Myles pointed out, Beckett having only ever met one dolphin, and Myles remained unconvinced that actual communication had taken place, making ‘met’ seem the wrong word for the encounter. 'That is insufficient data to draw a conclusion regarding the reliability of the species.'

'I just know she's in trouble.'

Myles thought that 'just knowing' was poor research methodology, but he just sighed. 'We'll wait for her again tomorrow. Now come on, it's lunch time, and we need energy for our growing brains.'

Gloop, in his bowl, let out a nervous 'Gloop.' He hadn't understood all of the twins' conversation, but he could tell that Beckett was worried and it had something to do with his new dolphin friend. Even though dolphins were mammals, not fish, somewhere deep inside all aquatic creatures was a sympathy with all the rest, and like Beckett, he hoped that Dolphin was okay.

Dolphin was not okay. 

Off the coast of Dalkey Island, a fishing boat loitered. The pilot was sleeping off a bout of food poisoning - which, frankly, served him right for many of his illegal and immoral practices. On deck was a single underpaid, unqualified, and underage employee. Not for him a certificate in aquaculture, nor one in first-aid aboard ship. Moby Dick, though, he had read several times: quite an achievement for any adult, let alone a fifteen year old. The boy did his best to make up for his shortcomings with pure enthusiasm, and had, a few moments earlier, cast out a line with a complete lack of precision and the wrong bait. This wouldn’t normally be much of a problem, as tuna fish aren’t known for being overly fussy, but in this case Dolphin happened to be having a wonderful time just off the stern of the boat, and she wasn’t fussy either. 

The bait was disappointing, tasting stale and dull, and it had something hard and sharp inside it. It hurt Dolphin’s mouth. This would not stand. What sort of ocean gods would provide food like this? Dolphin raised her voice in complaint. 

Sound travels faster in water than it does through the air, so it wasn’t long before Dolphin’s podmates heard her whistles and clicks. Roughly translated, she had said: ‘This fish is bad and it hurts my mouth; send me the manager.’ Her podmates laughed and mocked her, a series of clicks that traveled all the way to the shores of Dalkey Island, where Beckett stood listening. 

Gloop’s laps of the fishbowl slowed slightly as he devoted more energy to his brain. Dolphin was in trouble, and NANNI wouldn’t let Myles and Beckett put to sea. Gloop was going to have to solve this problem on his own. It was a bit harder than figuring out what came next after 37, 34, 31, 28, but not for nothing was he the smartest goldfish in Ireland and perhaps the world. He would have to enlist some help.  

‘Brother mine, what are you putting in the fish tank?’ Myles asked wearily. He had written multiple treatises on the biology and psychology of twins, and perhaps his most important conclusion was that love and exasperation could, and generally did, co-exist. His second most important conclusion was that doubling the calorific intake of one twin could not sustain the other; Beckett had simply bulked up while Myles’ stomach rumbled miserably. He would not be repeating that experiment.

‘It’s a scaled-down version of your water filtration system, attached to a swimming suit,’ Beckett said proudly. ‘Gloop is going to sea, and he needs fresh water.’ 

‘There is only one Gloop, and two filtration systems,’ Myles pointed out.

Beckett held aloft the second unit. ‘This one’s for Angry Hamster. Look, NANNI fixed it to make air for him!’

‘Beck, Angry Hamster can’t swim.’ 

‘Gloop will help him. He told me.’ 

‘Is this about your dolphin friend?’ 

‘Yes, Myles; Gloop and Angry Hamster are going to rescue her!’ Beckett beamed. ‘NANNI has no joooo-ris-tic-shun over them!’ 

Myles had been playing vocabulary lists to his brother while he slept, hoping he might learn subliminally; he was pleased that it seemed to be working, but less pleased about this plan. ‘That is true,’ he acknowledged, ‘but Angry Hamster is made of paper and saliva. He will disintegrate in water.’ 

Beckett demonstrated the watertight suit he had had NANNI design for him. It was monogrammed with a cursive AH on each side. ‘Angry Hamster wants to go.’

Myles sighed. ‘Very well, brother. How are they going to get into the ocean?’ 

‘I will flush them down the toilet,’ Beckett proclaimed.

Beck!’ 

‘Kidding, brother!’ Beckett laughed at his brother’s shocked expression. ‘I will carry them to the beach and throw them in. Gently.’ Despite his boisterous nature, Beckett had a deep empathy and was perfectly capable of being gentle if circumstances required. Myles imagined that introducing two very different non-sea creatures equipped with untested suits into a marine environment counted as circumstances that required it. 

Beckett was as good as his word, and Gloop and Angry Hamster safely - if nervously - entered the waves from the Fowl’s private beach. To Myles, Beckett seemed to be making a series of very strange noises, but Gloop and Angry Hamster each heard ‘Fishing boat, southeast! Good luck!’ 

Being small creatures in a big and strange new world, Gloop and Angry Hamster did not swim particularly fast. They did their small best, though, with Gloop encouraging his papery friend. Angry Hamster got along in a sort of wriggly doggy-paddle, and NANNI’s suits withstood the challenge. Both animals were kept safe and breathing in their own special ways. 

In a matter of hours they had caught up with the fishing boat. Angry Hamster was exhausted, and if the boat’s pilot had not been unwell, he would never have made it. If our heroes understood the concept of food poisoning, they would be very glad for it. The boat remained idle. Angry Hamster was able to cling to the side with one claw, even though it was hard to grip through the material of his suit, and hold up Gloop with another, allowing them both to rest. 

As they rested, Gloop and Angry Hamster heard a voice above them. Angry Hamster could make nothing of it, but Gloop caught the drift of it. If either of them had a full comprehension of English, what they heard would have been something like this: ‘I don’t think this is a tuna fish. It doesn’t look tuna-y. I think it’s a dolphin. I’m going to be fired. I’m in so much trouble. What do I do? What would Ishmael do?’ all the accompaniment of pacing footsteps and heavy breathing.

Gloop caught ‘dolphin’ several times, as well as ‘fired’. He knew two meanings of the word fire: one was hot and burny, and the other was fast and deadly. Neither sounded good for Dolphin. He tried to convey his concern to Angry Hamster, but the fragmented analogy question on the hamster’s back was itchy and he couldn’t scratch it through NANNI’s suit. This, combined with hunger and exhaustion, was making him very angry. He let out a wild screech and clawed his way frantically up the side of the boat and onto the deck. 

The pacing, muttering boy stopped pacing and muttering at the sight of a wet-suited paper-mache hamster climbing on board. He began to wonder if food poisoning was contagious, and if hallucinations were a common symptom. Angry Hamster took advantage of the hesitation to launch himself at the boy’s face, screeching. What he was trying to say was ‘For the love of all the gods, scratch my back!’ But what the boy heard was tantamount to ‘I’m going to claw your face off!’

Gloop knew he had to act fast. High jump is not commonly practiced among small domestic fish, but with determination and a rudimentary understanding of geometry, much can be accomplished even by the smallest of animals. He swam away from the boat to give himself a run-up - or rather, a swim-up - and followed Angry Hamster’s lead in launching himself on deck. 

The poor boy fainted on the spot. 

To one side of the deck lay Dolphin, tangled in fishing lines and nets, flopping weakly. Dolphins can survive several hours out of the water, if it isn’t too hot or dry, and Gloop was relieved to see that, although she was clearly tired and uncomfortable, Dolphin was unhurt and should make a full recovery. But first they had to get her back into the water, which meant getting her out of those nets. 

Gloop knew who had the perfect teeth to gnaw through fishing lines. What he didn’t know was how to convey that instruction to Angry Hamster, who was currently scuttling around the deck looking for something he could scratch his back against - and whose teeth were still enclosed in NANNI’s watertight suit. Angry Hamster finally found a scratching post in the form of a tackle box. It had a sharp corner which dug in through the suit and hit the sweet spot perfectly. Angry Hamster was, briefly, less angry as he scratched. But his suit was meant to withstand water pressure, not tackle boxes. It ripped open, and Angry Hamster wriggled his way out of it. On some level he understood that this was undesirable, and he turned to look apologetically at Gloop.

But Gloop was overjoyed now that Angry Hamster’s teeth were free. He mimed chewing, gnawing, and pointed with a fin at the nets surrounding Dolphin. Chewing comes naturally to hamsters, so Angry Hamster understood immediately, and abandoned his tackle box. It was the work of moments to chew through the lines holding Dolphin on deck. Before she let herself slide back into the ocean, Dolphin took a moment to slap the recovering fisher boy with a fin. 

‘Hey!’ he protested weakly, but she was already gone.

‘There, brother.’ Myles and Beckett stood on the beach on Dalkey Island, looking out to the southeast. Myles had just spotted Dolphin scything through the waves towards them. ‘I told you she would be okay.’

‘And I told you Gloop and Angry Hamster would save her.’ Beckett handed the binoculars to his twin, to let him see the small goldfish swimming furiously beside the dolphin, and the slightly mushy hamster riding on her back. 

THE END (probably)

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Breakthrough': New chapter for "Always for the greater cause..." is out!

Chapter Summary: The truth has been discovered by Jess...now on the run for her life from her so-called friends but is there an escape for her?...

To read it on AO3, click here!

Taglist: @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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6th March 1981, 02H45

Jessica "Jess" Riggs, MI6

On the run inside the forest near the Duga Array Radar site, Ukraine

I've been lied to for days...for weeks...They make me believe that I was one of them...a fighter of their cause for a Greater Russia, a woman that knows them for years but all of it, this, it was just lies in my head that they managed to get inside my head...I'm not Yirina Grigoriev because I never was, a Russian woman that never existed but instead...My name is Jessica Riggs, an Australian working with the MI6, my life has been stolen from me and while I'm trying to figure out who I was really besides my name, I needed to run...quick...

Since I know the truth, they want me dead and running is my only option. I don't know where I need to go exactly but I needed to get away very far from this place, running as far I can to make it happen and trying to avoid at all costs catching the bullets of my pursuers, moving between the trees of the forest. The only thing that was helping me a little to direct myself in that forest was the moon's light, not having any flashlights with me but also to get me spotted. The more I run, the more that...

"We have a job to do, Bell,"

"Shit!" I growled in pain at the sound of that voice in my head, moving my hands on the side of my head, and unfortunately, this caused me to stop in my run, my ears starting to hurt me like loud chimes...tic, tac....tic, tac...the sounds of a clock ticking getting added to those chimes, enough to disturb me in my attempts to run away.

"You can't escape, Bell!" I heard Freya's voice on my radio...her...not her...she's been playing games with me...it's done..."You're making a mistake, Bell," She added, sounding worried for me...was she really, this bitch?...no

"Fuck...you," I mumbled to myself, preferring to get on the move than staying here to taunt & get a bullet in my head...not something I want. I resumed my run again, wanting to meet a road and running alongside until the nearest town but all around me was that fucking forest...in the middle of nowhere...

"Bell, welcome to East-Berlin,"

"The 23rd of February...1968,"

"Stop!" I almost shouted at those but unfortunately, they disrupted me in my run to fall, getting tripped over by a tree root hidden by a lot of leaves, and by bad luck, I got a big bad scratch on my right arm, getting through my jacket and hurting me so bad...I just got my right arm a wound by another tree root...enough to make me cry in pain after seeing the blood coming out of my right arm...

"Over there, I heard her!" A voice shouted not far from me...shit, they're close, I can't stop running now, not after the progress I made.

"I can't give up," I spoke to myself, resuming my nearly run in a few meters before arriving in a little ridge...I should slide on it to move deeper in the forest but then, I saw that just on the very edge of the ridge, there was a big tree root covering it and to check it, there was a little space where I could fit...

Knowing that I can't run forever with that wound now and that...shit, my radio, I need to dispose of it, they can use their own to get me. So, I decided to throw away my radio in a big distance before crouching quickly in that small gap that was for a big chance for me, covered in leaves just before I could see flashlights arriving near the scene...I need to stay quiet, no growls from my wound, not a single breath...

"I think she took that ridge down," I got silent when this deep voice went to be heard footsteps approaching the root I was hiding below.

"I found her radio!" A man told the first guy and at the same moment, I felt something moving on my right arm...a damn little squirrel almost at the urge of scratching my wound...my left hand on my mouth quick..."She must have to throw it away before sliding down," The same man's voice said.

"We can't stop now, Stitch needs her to..." The first guy was going to continue until he stopped himself in his words after hearing some inaudible noises...maybe his radio...shit and that squirrel on my arm...get off, please..."Yes, sir," I heard that guy again "We give up the research, the enemy is on our trail too,"

"What? And Stitch's orders?" The same second man asked him.

"Leaving is Stitch's orders, he's going to make sure that she isn't leaving this forest alive," The first man told him before some inaudible noises got heard again...must be him putting his radio back on. "Come on, we're getting out before we got caught by our enemy...fucking Australian..." I heard him grumble away from my spot with his men and it took me two minutes on my side to make sure that they left, not hearing anything anymore...

"Oh, shit," I cursed when I tried to move, my right arm hurting at any tries I was making to move it...hopefully that this squirrel moved away from me a few seconds ago but I should get this wound healed. I started to cross the piece of equipment I had on my vest but..."None...shit..." I said when I realized that they gave the minimum in equipment and worst of all, no bandages were at my disposition, no disinfectant...damn..."Maybe if I can use something else..." I started to think of an option...maybe using a part of my clothes as a 'bandage'..."No choices from me," I got resolved after seeing that this was my only option.

I started to look over me to find a good piece of clothes that could suit as a temporary bandage and I quickly thought of using my own jacket as it...not the best option but the only one I have. I quickly unzipped and get it off me without trying to hurt myself in that small space, and then, I wrapped the little vest good enough around my right arm...too enough that once I was fine, I let out a small cry of pain...

"You're moving your ass, Riggs?" Suddenly, I found myself in the back of an alley, a man with military clothes waiting for me near a jeep with another man already at the driving post...where I am?..."I know that you got your girlfriend upstairs but it's not time to wait, Kadivar is waiting,"

"I'm moving, dumbass," I told him straight, walking over to the jeep to get inside and installing myself on the left passenger seat just behind the driver, and then, the jeep immediately left the alley. "Is your Infos good?" I asked the man at my side...the rude one

"Everything in it," He replied, handing me a file in my hands that I took quickly.

"Sure?" I demanded, opening the file to check it.

"Sure, everything linking Adler to that Perseus case," He assured with an annoying voice, thinking that my question was stupid to be asked. "Are you, Aussies, always stubborn to ask stupid questions?" The man questioned me, sounding American...

"You know where you can stick that answer, I'm proud to be an Aussie," I exclaimed, giving him a deadly glare that he wasn't looking to be convinced. "What you can tell me more about all of it?" I demanded.

"Adler's been working for thirteen years on Perseus case, became an obsession very quick for him and he starts to behave differently, making some rogue moves in the East," The man explained, looking away from me through his window. "Being one of his men is strange for you but I did good,"

"I thought that Americans are sticking together to the death," I scoffed silently on my side without being heard by that guy while I was checking the information that he gave me in that file...this file is familiar...too familiar..."He did that bombing in London...1973..."

"Yes, thought that store to be a Perseus front operation in London, and what better choices for him to bomb it," The man sighed, giving me details about that particular event...did I dream about it?..."Lots of deaths and what result? Nothing, he just killed a bunch of innocents...including your girlfriend's brother..."

"How did you know?" I asked him, narrowing my eyes at him.

"You know, you've been at our eyes, you & Miss Park since a long time...we learned a lot about you," He told me, keeping his eyes outside. "Your father is Lucas Riggs, an Australian hero, a former member of the Task Force One, leader of the "Barbarians"..."

"I know, I'm proud of my father but I don't know where you're going with that," I interrupted him, closing the file in my hands and keeping it on my lap.

"As you see, he knew that you'll do something to find out who are the people who killed your friend, who do you think hired Madam Shell to kill you both?" He asked me, finding some courage to look at me finally...a bad look. "Tell me, Riggs, who hired her?"

"Ah...fuck!" I got at the sudden, removed from that by feeling some pain at my right arm, waking up back into that small space below that tree root.

I finally found myself some courage to get out of that hole and what my surprise when I saw that the night was less dark than before...did I...did I really sleep here? How much?... I looked around me and no one was looking for me, a silence of death has taken over this forest...I'm alone, starting to freeze without that jacket on me and despite that, it was covering my arm, I've got no choice but to remove my jacket off my arm to put it back on me...If I die, it's not by a cold...I then resumed to move away but this time, running wasn't useful anymore...maybe walking will be better for me...

Only a few minutes after I started to walk again that I could lay my eyes in front of me at the end of that forest, opening to a small field and some hopes went to get in me at this thought when I stepped outside but then...I saw some big trees in the middle of that field...and someone was waiting for me...no....how...I went to walk to him, not thinking that it was real...

"You took time...Bell," It was him...Stitch, his back turned against me and looking in the horizon.

"How...how did you know?" I asked him, confused with my left hand above my right arm.

"You survive worst, I know that you will escape far...but not far from us," He said before he turn around to look at me, unfazed at my sight and not giving a damn that I'm wounded. "My men left, all of them...but not me,"

"You want to finish me?" I demanded, knowing that I was his enemy now.

"You're important," He replied

"Important to what?" I repeated again, gesturing around me with my left arm. "That you make me work for you...a terrorist to serve your goals? That you make me believe of things that weren't real?" I start to ask and he didn't even bother to reply to my questions, knowing that they were obvious...all true..."I never was in Rebirth, was it?" I asked him.

"No, you never were, neither did Bellamy," He responded.

"So why I dreamed of it?" I questioned him, trying to find my pistol but...fuck...I lost it during my run in the forest...I didn't pay caution on it...He's the only person armed here..." Stitch, answer me!" I ordered when I saw him look on the ground, having the same look as before.

"We brainwashed you, Bell," He revealed, giving me directly a shock...they didn't...just make me believe of things that never existed...they changed me..."You're a former MI6 agent whose got left for dead in Trabzon by one of yours," He added, continuing to shock me even further...

"No..." I whispered.

"You weren't answering, we knew that you were pursuing Adler for his crimes and since you know my hatred, there was only one way to give us our answer," He said to me, understanding my goal for them...trying to find Adler for them..."That answer is still blocked in your head, we've been trying to get it out,"

"How's that?" I asked before he decides to take a step forward

"We have a job to do!" He told me, suddenly hearing some same chimes in my head and caused me to get on my right knee, almost weakened by it...why those words is making me weak? "It's to control you, Bell, to make sure that you don't step the line and kept under our orders thanks to MK-Ultra," He explained, giving a sense to those words now...hearing them all over again in the few moments I remember these past weeks..."We created a brothers-in-arms bond between you, me & Bellamy, to establish trust, confidence,"

"To make sure...that I talk," I whispered, looking at the ground before backing up at him. "You're a monster!"

"We gave a new chance when your friends didn't, Wraith gave you a new person to love when your old one didn't bother about you," He exclaimed.

"They're thinking that I'm dead!" I almost shouted, trying to find some strength to get up again before I could see Stitch taking another step to me. "You made them all believe that I was dead!" I repeated.

"What's important now is that Adler is threatening the East with the Numbers Program, we're talking about millions..." He stopped himself in his words before he give a narrow glare. "Where's Adler?"

"You're fucking kidding me, mate?" I found myself back into the jeep with that man at my side, sounding shocked...why I'm back here? For my answers?

"When Adler learned of you two, he reached your old superior to kill you both but as you know, she didn't succeed," The man replied, staying normal in his voice & gestures "Right now, he's preparing for a big move against Perseus," He announced as we were approaching as I can see, the gates of an airport...Trabzon. "He might know where Perseus is hiding,"

"And where's he hiding?" I asked him.

"We don't know yet as I told you," He responded, annoyed again as the jeep passed the gates.

"I talked about Adler," I clarified myself, readjusting on my seat.

"He doesn't have a definite hideout...he moves," He revealed to me, removing his hands off the door on his lap. "Adler knows that Perseus sees him as a target, he can't stay more than one week in the same place," He added before his eyes went to look at me. "He will be happy to know what I'll be doing today," He suddenly say to himself.

"What?" I muttered.

"This deal we're making with Kadivar, it's not the CIA & the MI6...but Adler with Kadivar," He announced, sending some feelings that I'm trapped in that car with that guy as we were approaching a runway. "Yes, I told you that I'm of his guys but I didn't say that I left him," He told me proudly before the car stopped near a cargo plane and then, the guy directly left the car by opening his door, leaving me with a shock, looking away...before I saw him draw his gun at me through his window... "Goodbye, Riggs!"

I then heard three bullets and a black-out ensues to me...a few minutes passed out and my vision starts to get clear but still blurry until I saw someone arriving near the door of the jeep, my vision getting clear until I see who it was...

"Here, we got a live one!" It was Stitch...

"Where's Adler, Bell?" Then, I opened my eyes to see myself kneeling on the ground, Stitch in front of me waiting for his answer to come...and what I heard...there's no answer...

"I don't know," I responded to him, struggling to get up on my feet and not removing my eyes from him. "I was never told about, Adler isn't hiding..." I added, wondering on the inside why I told him that like nothing happened...

"I see..." Stitch muttered behind his mask as he turns around to look again on the horizon, thinking. "Eastern air...clears the head, isn't it?" He asked me like that, changing the subject until he slightly look at me without turning his back. "You know, what you did for us, you're a hero to the cause, you know that, kid?"

"I never was..." I claimed, standing my ground that all of this...was bullshit...but...I helped them advance in their goals...

"It was...always for the greater cause...Bell," He proclaimed to me with a reassuring voice. "Kid, I'm asking you for one more thing and I hope that you will understand..." He stopped himself before slightly turning around to look at me, a sure gaze...me understanding what he's going to do...impossible to defend myself. "It was never personal!" He told me as he draws his pistol at me...

I closed my eyes...there's no escape...

BANG

[waitimcomingtoo]

Smile For Me

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Synopsis: "Kiss me if I'm wrong, but I can make you smile 10 times during the school day tomorrow." Peter bet.

MASTERLIST

Requests are CLOSED 

You and Peter sat across from each other in the library. A study date between the two of you wasn’t uncommon. Peter being unable to focus because of how close you were also wasn’t uncommon. After all the hectic things going on lately -Spider-Man patrolling, physics tests, fighting bad guys, trying not to die, the usual- you just wanted some time to yourselves to relax and study. Don’t be mistaken, Peter was very interested in physics and speed and force and all that good stuff. But right now, he was a little more interested in finding out the name of the perfume you were wearing that made you smell so damn heavenly. 

After an hour of quiet studying and the occasional game of tic tac toe, Peter closed his book. If he looked at another momentum equation, his eyes were going to bleed.

“I can’t do it anymore.” Peter whined, shoving his books towards you. “I can’t do another equation.”

“Yes you can.” You didn’t even look up at him as you continued your work. “Stop being dramatic.” Peter let out a loud, over dramatic groan and pulled your pencil out of your hand.

"Let's play a game." He said playfully. You shut your book, knowing when your best friend was at his wits end,  and looked up at him. He had a deviant look in his eyes that compelled you to shut your book as well. 

"What kind of game?" You asked cautiously. You knew you had to keep studying, but you were bored too so you entertained his idea of a game.

"I bet I can make you smile, just by looking at you." Peter declared with a cocky smirk. You scoffed at his smugness. You were never one to back away from a challenge, and Peter knew this. 

"You're on.” You challenged, rescuing your pencil from his grasp. “Stare me down."

You moved your books aside and leaned forward, resting your head in your hands. Peter did the same, just a few inches from your face. All Peter did was stare into your eyes, but you were already starting to crack. You fought the urge to smile. But when staring at a face like that, it's hard not to. Between his stupid brown eyes, his stupid crooked nose with his stupid freckles, and you wouldn’t even get started on his stupid messy eyebrow, Peter Parker was a sight for sore eyes. Not that you’d ever admit that to him. He was your best friend after all. Nothing more. But damn, if he wasn’t cute.

Peter intensified his stare, leaning even closer to you to the point you could smell his excessive body spray.  You could already feel yourself burning up, and you didn't know why. All he was doing was looking at you. Why did you want to smile so bad?

Peter grinned at your fidgeting. You did everything you could to keep from smiling. You bit your lips, held your breath, looked away, thought of sad things, but nothing helped. Finally, you cracked. A bashful smile lit up your face and you looked down in defeat.

"Damn it.” You muttered into the table. “You got me."

Peter laughed in triumph.

"I knew I could do it.” Peter said smugly, basking in his win. “Now let's make a little deal."

You picked up your head and smirked, ready for a rematch.

"Alright, I'm listening." You said casually. Peter returned the smirk. He had a devilish gleam behind his eyes, one he only got when he knew he was about to push his luck. You briefly wondered what you were getting yourself into. Something wicked brewed in his brown eyes. He was up to something. 

"Kiss me if I'm wrong, but I can make you smile 10 times during the school day tomorrow." Peter bet. It was a bold move and he knew it, but he’d been crushing on you long enough. His subtle hints were constantly going over your head and Peter had just about had enough. Even if you didn’t reciprocate his feelings, at least he’d get a few of your million dollar smiles out of it.

You, on the other hand, didn't pay attention to the first part. You only cared about the challenge. Specifically, you cared about winning.

"We have ourselves a deal.” You held our your hand for Peter to shake. He shook it, surprised you actually were going along. “But prepare to lose." You stated as you got up to leave.

Peter was still swimming with confidence after winning your game. He snapped back to reality as you collected your books.

"Wait, don't you want to see if you can make me smile?" Peter asked, not wanting you to go just yet. You stopped putting your books away and smiled.

"I already know that I can make you smile anytime I want." You said matter of factly.

Peter furrowed his brows.

"Really?” He asked. “How?"

"Remember when I kissed you in fourth grade because those boys were teasing you on the bus?” You smiled at the sweet memory. A couple boys started picking on Peter, saying he was a loser who couldn’t get a girlfriend. You shut them up instantly by planting your lips on Peters without a second thought. It was both of your first kisses, and also the last kiss Peter ever had. He wasn’t too interested in girls that weren’t you.

With that, a huge grin spread across Peters boyish face. All it took was that one memory to light up his features with a dopey smile. You grinned at the sight of your blushing best friend.

"That's how.” You said suavely. “See you tomorrow Parker." You called as you left the library. Peter watched you leave.

“Hate to see you go, love you watch you walk away.” Peter sarcastically muttered to himself. A wicked smile suddenly dawned on his lips. He had a plan.

The next day, the challenge was on.

Ten smiles in one day.

By first period, you were losing already. Peter made you smile by surprising you by your locker with a rose, the first smile of the day. 

"Okay, okay.” You rolled your eyes as you accepted the flower and gave it a discrete sniff. “But don't expect to get any more out of me."

But he did.

He got you leaving study hall by slipping you a note asking for your phone number, something he obviously had.

“Dear Y/n, I lost my number. Can I have yours? Check yes or no.”

He drew two lopsided boxes at the bottom of the note. You couldn’t stop the smile that came, breaking across your face like the first signs of dawn. You scribbled a check in the “no” box and shot Peter and angry look. He was looking quite proud of himself and held up two fingers, indicating that was the second time he’d gotten you to smile. You threw the note at the back of his head and went to your next class.

Peter got you going to and from lunch by slinging his arm around your shoulders and wishing you a good day.

“I hope your day isn’t anything like you in math. Because then it’d suck!” Peter said in his phoniest sweet voice. He booped your nose while he was at it and you quickly swatted it away.

“And I hope you choke and die.” You said in an even sweeter tone.

He got you twice during math by shooting you a wink and blowing you a kiss. You turned around in your seat, as red as your math textbook, and heard him laughing behind you as you tried to focus on the lesson once again.

He got you once during gym by purposefully falling off the rope you had to climb.

“Parker, you climbed it perfectly last week. What happened?” Coach Finstock asked as he scribbled something down on his notepad.

“Sorry.” Peter apologized with fake sincerity. “It’s just that I saw Y/n and got distracted.” He pointed at you and made a heart with his hands. You tensed up as kids around you laughed and made comments. Coach Finstock looked like he accepted Peters excuse and wrote something else down in his notes.

And he got you two times during your presentation in history by making funny faces. When you were finished, Peter started clapping as loud as he could and stood up in his seat. He got other kids to stand up for you as well, going on about how well you did and how researched your presentation was. Soon, the whole class was giving you a standing ovation. You smiled again at his idiotic but sweet action, making that three times in one period.

You were losing this bet fast.

Finally, the day ended. You’d managed to avoid Peter for the rest of the school day. Peter met you by your locker after the last bell with his face dressed in a cocky grin.

"Well Parker, guess you lose. The goal was 10 and you only made me smile 9 times. Looks like you don't get that kiss after all.” You shrugged dramatically and let out a sarcastic sigh. Peter shrugged as well and bit his lip, nearly bursting with excitement.

"Actually, I do." He said with a knowing smile. You immediately frowned.

"What do you mean?" You asked.

"The challenge was that I could make you smile 10 times and you had to kiss me if I was wrong. I only made you smile 9 times so..." Peter clicked his tongue. You opened your mouth in shock.

"So you were wrong." You finished. You couldn't believe it. You had been outsmarted by a guy in a Star Wars T-shirt. Peter stood there gloating while applying a copious amount of chapstick.

"I'd like to collect my prize, Y/n. I won fair and square." Peter pretended to stretch and yawn. You licked your teeth and bit back a smile. You had to admit, Peter got you good. He’d won the bet fair and square.

“You’re an idiot, do you know that?” You asked Peter. Peter stepped closer and shot you a cheeky grin.

"An idiot whom you have to kiss. Peter poked your chest. Curse his proper use of grammar. “That's the price you have to pay. Now pay up." Peter grabbed a random bottle in your locker and sprayed it in his mouth. He immediately tried to hide his disgust.

“So.’’ Peter said between gags. “That’s perfume.”  You nodded as you watched him grimace. 

“You thought it was breath spray?” You asked for confirmation. Peter nodded while he wiped his mouth in the back of his hand.

“Doesn’t matter. I still won. ” Peter laughed meanly, stepping closer to you. “In your face.”

“In my face?” You pointed to yourself. Peter nodded.

“How so?” You took your own step closer and folded your arms.

“Because I just sprayed perfume in my mouth and now you have to kiss me.” Peter puckered his lips dramatically and made loud kissing sound, making your entire face go red as it caught the attention of people around you. There were enough rumors flying around about the two of you after the stunt he pulled in gym.

“Let me get this straight.” You clasped your hands together.” You just sprayed perfume in your mouth?”

“Yes.” Peter confirmed.

“But that’s in my face?”

“Yes.” Peter said again.

“This very much seems like it’s in your face.” You told Peter, who still didn't get it. 

“Nope. Yours.” Peter wasn’t one to admit failure. “Come on, Y/n. Do it while my mouth still tastes like,” Peter read the bottle on your perfume, “an Endless Weekend.” At least he finally found out the name of your perfume. 

His shit eating grin returned to his face. You sighed and looked around for who might be watching. When you didn’t see anyone of significance, you turned back to Peter. You hesitated for a second more, then grabbed his shirt, pulled him close, and kissed him. Just like the first time way back in fourth grade, his eyes flew open, then fluttered shut. His eyelashes tickled your cheek as they went down. You found it funny how history repeated itself. You got to live that memory twice.

 Luckily for Peter, this was his favorite memory. It always put a smile on his face, just like you did.

You pulled away when the kiss lasted long enough and wiped you hand on the back of your mouth.

“You taste like chemicals.” You grimaced. Peter was still in a foggy, post kiss haze. He hadn’t fully recovered just yet.

“Hm huh hm what?” Peter stuttered out. His head was still spinning. You laughed at him. He looked ridiculous.

Hair messy.

Shirt wrinkled.

Your lipstick on his face.

Completely ridiculous.

And completely because of you.

You did some nice work. You couldn’t help taking out your phone and snapping a picture.

“Hey Peter.” You said from behind your phone with a toothy grin. “Smile for me.”

Peter gave you a lopsided grin before putting his hand in front of the camera.

“No fair.” Peter pouted. “You caught me off guard.”

“Whatever you say, Parker.” You shrugged casually. “But for the record. I totally won.”

“I can promise you, I’m the one who won.” Peter mumbled sheepishly under his breath. He looked at the floor to hide the enormous blush on his cheeks. He never thought it a million years you’d actually kiss him. He was only joking (and hoping) you would. You’d once again managed to leave Peter speechless.

“Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you.” You stuck your hand out for Peter to shake, suddenly feeling awkward and shy around your own best friend.

“Y-You too.” Peter stuttered. He shook your warm hand with his clammy one before scuttling away. He felt like he floated home. He waltzed into his apartment with a dreamy smile on his face. May was quick to notice Peters trance.

“Peter?” May asked. She wondered what the cause of her nephews moonstruck expression was.

“Hm?” Peter barely replied as he started humming the melody to your favorite song. May cocked her hip and laughed at her nephew.

“What’s got you so happy?” May inquired.

“What’s that?” Peter was in such a dream state he could barely hear her.

“I said,” May tried again. “What’s got you so happy?”

Peter let out a happy sigh and spun around in his kitchen.

“Y/n.” He replied. Your name like a prayer on is lips. He didn’t even feel worthy to say it. May chuckled. She should’ve known.

“So you have a thing for Y/n, huh?” May asked. She already knew the answer. Peter just shrugged as he continued to twirl around the kitchen. 

“Maybe.” He said. “I don’t know. She just…” Peter couldn’t think of the right words to describe you.

“She just what?” May pressed. Peter smiled at the memory of that afternoon.

“She just makes me smile.”

Tag List 🏷

@maybemona @sunrise-shawn

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg