#FALL OUT BOY FINALLY COMES BACK TO BOSTON!!!!!!!!

[tiffanyblewss]

TICKETS TICKETS I GOT TICKETS IM GONNA SOB IM GONNA SOB IM SOBBING CURRENTLY

[lovingmattysposts]

Eastside FINAL.

P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11 P12 P13 P14 P15 P16

summary: growing up in the outskirts of Boston wasn't really pretty. Life wasn't that great for most people, most people. You had Matt and no one fucked with you when Matt was standing by your side. The chief's daughter and the bad boy deliquent. A perfect love story?

warnings: THE LAST PART, shes long asf, sad af, mentions of guns, mentions of hosptials, mentiosn of gunshot wounds, mentions of death, mentions of drugs, suggestive

grab a snack, grab some tissues, take a deep breath.

xoxo, autumn

My eyes blinked open. I stared up at the ceiling. I thought it could have been a dream, from my groggy state. Until I heard beeping from beside me. I furrowed my eyebrows turning my head seeing a machine next to me.

I looked down at my arm that were filled with IVs and a bandage over my arm. I attempted to lift my arm but winced in pain.

“Y/n, stay still”

I looked up seeing my dad standing up from a chair looking down at me. He blinked down at me, worry all over his face. I scanned him in his uniform.

I attempted to sit up but my Dad came over me laying his hand on my shoulder. “Y/n, lay down. The doctor said you’re suppose to be in bed rest for the next few weeks” He said. I just blinked at me, swallowing parting my lips and licking them.

He stared down at me.

Realization hit my chest.

Matt.

I raised my eyebrows, the machine starting to beep louder from my heart rate rising. “Matt” I mumbled looking up at him, searching for answers. My dad looked from me to the machine that was rising in sound next to me.

“Dad where’s Matt?” I said moving up with my other arm. I shook my head as he looked at me. “Dad where’s Matt!” I said louder my eyes filling with tears. His hands came over me.

“Y/n, Calm down. Just calm down sweetheart” He said shaking his head. I shook my head as I kicked the covers of the hospital bed off my body as I attempted to sit up.

“Matt!” I yelled shaking my head. My dad’s eyes widened as he looked at me. “Matt!” I screamed as loud as I could in case he could hear me. “Y/n! Calm down!” My dad yelled at me.

I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t think. Where was Matt?

I looked over at the IVs stuck in my arms before reaching up and ripping them out of my arm, not even feeling the pain as I threw them away from me. I swung my legs over the bed before falling against my dad, trying to make my way towards the doors of the room.

He grabbed my waist to keep my standing. I winced from the pain corsating through my arm. I pushed my dad off me. “Matt!” I cried louder.

“Nurse!” My Dad yelled before three nurses rushed into the room, their eyes meeting mine and their widening. Two of the nurses came to my sides to hold me up, pushing me back towards the bed.

“No! Stop! Get off m-me!” I screamed. “Where’s Matt!” I screamed. The nurses guided me back towards my bed.

“Miss. Y/l/n, you have to calm down. Stop screaming, you need to rest-“ One of the nurses said before I pushed her back. “Y/n” My dad stated in shock. I looked between them as tears fell down my cheeks.

“Is he d-dead?” I said through choked cries. My dad looked over at the nurses and they looked at me. “Tell me what the fucks going on! Where my boyfriend!” I screamed at them.

“Baby, He’s in surgery right now, he’s been in surgery since you guys got here last night, we don’t have any updates on him yet. I told them to give me any updates as soon as they have them” My dad said coming up to me looking down at me.

I shook my head as tears poured.

“But he’s gonna be okay right? He’s gonna be okay?” I cried looking at the nurses for answers. They just looked from me to my dad.

I heard the door start to open slightly before I saw brown hair peak through. My heart dropped.

Chris revealed himself. My heart clenched. I looked at him as Nick followed in behind them.

“Now’s not a good time” One of the nurses mumbled to them. I shook my head. “Nick, Chris—I’m so—“ I cried before they both came up to me wrapping me into a hug.

I cried against them as the nurses back up and my dad just watched us. “I’m so s-sorry—“ I shook my head. Nick leaned down against my ear.

“Nothing is your fault Y/n, I promise. Thank you so much for everything” Nick whispered quietly into my ear. I pulled back seeing Chris’s eyes teary as he looked at me.

I swallowed.

“He’s gonna be okay right?” I cried looking between them and they just looked at each other. Nick looked at me and closed his eyes. I brought my hand up to my mouth and closed my eyes shaking my head.

“I can’t live without him, he has to be okay” I cried shaking my head. They nodded and their arms came back around me. “They are doing everything they can y/n. There’s nothing we can do right now but wait” Nick said as he held me. I nodded as I cried into his shoulder.

-

“Do you want some water?”

I looked up at my Dad before looking back at the door. “No” I stated, my eyes trained at the door. He sighed as he stepped out of the way of some nurses trying to walk around him in the hallway.

“You’ve been sitting outside in the hallway for 3 hours now, you promised after the first hour you would try to eat something” My dad sighed. I gripped my IV that was standing next to me, next to my chair harder as my eyes watered.

“I’m not going anywhere” I shook my head as tears threatened to spill over my eyes. He took in a breath as he sat in the chair next to me. “Y/n, you have to promise me you’ll be okay if he’s not” He whispered shaking his head.

I swallowed my eyes not leaving the door. “He’s should be out by now. The surgery should be done by now” I said shaking my head. My dad sighed next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“Y/n” he sighed, trying to get my attention. I shook my head as a tear fell out of my eye. “Nick and Chris are in the cafeteria right now, maybe you should join them” My dad stated. I shook my head.

“I said I’m not leaving him” I said harshly ripping my shoulder from him hand. He nodded. “I’m gonna go get your pain meds, the nurse said that it was time for the second dose” He breathed standing up and walking away.

I didn’t respond as I stared at the door that held the love of my life that I couldn’t see while his life was in the hands of a doctor and a scalpel, and there was nothing I could do to help.

-

My dad brought me back some water and my meds and a jello cup. I took the meds, because the pain in my arm was too horrible to bear, but it was like a pinch compared to the feeling in my chest. The jello laid next to me looking as unappealing as ever.

Nick and Chris sat across from me. Nick staring at the floor in front of him as Chris attempted to keep his eyes opened his head pressed against his hand.

“He really loved you, you know”

I looked up at them. Nick stared back at me. He smiled softly. “He really did” He nodded. I just looked at him.

“Every since we were kids he would just smile the whole ride on the bus, just about to jump for joy because he knew when he got to school he would see you” Nick said shaking his head. The corners of my mouth turned up slightly.

“I remember when he kissed you under the playground in sixth grade, he ran to us saying he kissed you—“ Nick smiled shaking his head. Chris looked up at him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy” He said smiling down at me. My eyes watered as I looked at him. “I remember he would come to school sick as a dog, just because he didn’t want you to forget about him and start liking someone else” Nick smiled shaking his head. I just watched them as my eyes flooded.

“He threw up twice on the way to school and still insisted on going” Chris chimed in.

Nick chuckled and nodded.

“You never let him live that down did you?” Nick asked looking at Chris. Chris shook his head. I smiled before it fell and I looked towards the door, taking in a breath.

They both looked up at me.

“I just don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for possibly spending my last moments with him being angry with him over something that wasn’t true.” I whispered shaking my head as a tear fell down my face.

Nick stood up and walked over to me, sitting down next to me, placing his hand on my knee.

“He’ll always love you y/n. No matter what happens-“ Nick shook his head. I looked over at him. “I just wanted you to know that” Nick said shaking his head. I nodded looking at him and he smiled.

The door opened.

Nicks eyes looked up behind me. I felt my heart drop before I even turned around. But I forced myself to. I looked and saw the doctor exiting from the room.

I shot up, Nick and Chris rising after me. The doctor looked up at him. “Are you the family of….” The doctor said looking down at his sheet. “Matthew Sturniolo?” He asked raising his eyes looking at us.

I nodded quickly. “We’re his brothers” Chris said quickly motioning to him and Nick. The doctor looked down at me as I just wanted him to speak, say anything.

“She’s family” Nick stated grabbing the doctor’s attention. He nodded as he flipped the sheet attached to his clipboard. “He’s okay right?” I said my voice breaking. The doctor let out a breath, before looking up at us.

“The bullet took a dangerous path, hitting him in the swerved line of his back, next to the spinal cord and puncturing a lining of his muscles, landing inside of his ribcage.” The doctor explained. I just watched him, my heart beating a million miles a minute.

“A couple inches from his heart, an inch from damaging the spinal cord that could have paralyzed him for life, and almost puncturing a vital organ” He breathed. Nick nodded looking at him. Chris just listened.

“He lost a lot of blood on the way to the hospital, he was dead when he got here.”

My face dropped.

My heart stopped.

All the reasons left to live left my body.

All the breath from my lungs gone.

Nick put his arm on my shoulder, but I barely felt it as I stared at the doctor.

“But—“ the doctor breathed. I took in a breath. “He wasn’t gone for long and it we immediately hooked him up to the machines, pumping blood back to his heart and somehow—“ he shook his head.

“Somehow what? Somehow what?” I choked looking at him. The doctor glanced at me before looking back at Nick. “We got him back” He nodded looking at Nick.

I let out a breath, holding my stomach as I bent over catching my breath, feeling nauseous.

“T-The surgery. Is he okay? Is there any permanent damage?” Chris stuttered looking at him. The doctor licked his lips. “The surgery was more meticulous than expected, like I said the way the bullet when in, it was almost like he was making a sudden movement from the way the bullet cut his skin and the path the bullet took” The doctor said.

“A sudden movement?” Chris asked. Nick looked down at me. I looked down at my arm. “Like a split second movement” The doctor nodded. Chris looked down at me. I froze. I shook my head.

“Did he-“ Chris breathed. I shook my head, my eyes filled with tears. He blocked the bullet from me? I barely noticed he moved, I thought he was just moving next to me. But then there was a second shot—and that one hit me—I. I shook my head.

He blocked the bullet from me.

“So it was harder to get the bullet out of him, which is why the surgery took so long, but there weren’t any major complications. Everything in the vitals looked good, no damage in the spinal cords, and the bullets out. It’s just going to be a long painful recovery, but it’s a miracle he survived” The doctor finished.

I looked up at Nick before wrapping my arms around him and he hugged me back as we both caught our breath. I felt Chris’s arms come around us.

I pulled back looking at the doctor.

“Can we see him?” I shook tears in my eyes. The doctor sighed. “He just came out of surgery, he’s asleep still, but you’re welcome to sit in there” He nodded.

I looked up at Nick and Chris for permission before they nodded. I smiled and nodded before walking over to the room and gripping the handle. I pushed the door slightly before hearing the beeping of machines.

I looked over seeing him. Seeing him.

Alive.

Breathing.

His chest rising and lowering.

I smiled shaking as tears filled my eyes. I walked over next to him slowly. His eyes were closed, he was sleeping. My shaky hand came over his forehead, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

I leaned down pressing my lips to his skin. I leaned back. I heard the door creek open seeing Nick and Chris standing there just watching us. I wiped my nose before a tear fell from my eyes onto his shirt.

I just ran my thumb over his face.

His eyes blinked open.

My breath caught in my lungs. His blue eyes looking up at me. I smiled shaking my head. “Hi my love” I whispered tears fogging my vision. He took in a breath and turned his head towards me.

“You’re okay” His horse voice spoke. I cried letting out a small laugh. I shook my head running my hands over his face. “You’re alive” I cried. He smiled slightly closing his eyes and nodded.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily” He said softly swallowing, slightly. I chuckled shaking my head as tears poured out of my eyes. I leaned down and pressed my head against his shoulder.

“I love you so much. So so much.” I cried shaking my head. He leaned his head against mine. “You died on me. I thought you were gone—Matt I can’t live without you, never leave me again” I shook against him.

His hand that was connected with wires came up to my face, pressing his hand against my cheek, holding me against him. He took in a breath.

His eyes shifted to Chris and Nick who were just watching us. Chris smiled pushing past Nick before walking up to Matt and hugging him on the other side. Matt whinced and we both came off of him.

“Guys, let him breathe” Nick said shaking his head. I stepped back and so did Chris. “Yeah Chris, let me breathe” Matt mumbled as he reached his hand up to grab my fingers before interlacing his fingers with mine pulling me back to him.

I smiled as I leaned my head against his. Chris rolled his eyes before putting his hand on his knee. “We’re glad you’re okay” Chris smiled. Matt sighed.

“Slim?” He mumbled. I leaned up running my hands through his hair as he looked at Nick. “Dead” Nick said looking at him. He swallowed. “Landon? Pallo? Everyone?” He asked. “In custody” Nick nodded. Matt looked up at me.

“Us?” Matt said turning his head back to Nick. Nick smiled. “Just victims at the wrong place, wrong time—bystanders” Nick smiled. Matt let out a breath. I smiled pressed my lips against the top of his head.

“Cecilia?” Matt asked. I sat up looking at him. My face dropped. Matt looked up at me. “Where’s Cecilia?” Matt asked looking at me.

“Who’s Cecilia?” Chris asked shaking his head. I looked at Nick, who shook his head and shrugged. I swallowed. Fuck, I had no idea where she was. I tuned back at Matt.

“Go” he mumbled blinking up at me weakly. I stared down at him. “Go find her” He said blinking his eyes closed, his hands still playing with my fingers. I shook my head.

“You’re an absolute idiot if you think I’m leaving you now” I said my eyes flooding as I stared down at him. He smiled before reaching up and wiping his thumb under my eyes.

“She saved your life”

“I wouldn’t have care if you hadn’t survived, it would have meant nothing without you” I breathed as tears fell as he continued to wipe them. He smiled and took in a breath.

His hands moved down and hovered over my arm, right above where my arm was wrapped from the bullet.

He looked up at me.

“Matt we’re gonna go get you the nurse, tell her you’ve woken up. Get your med and everything” Nick said grabbing Chris’s shoulder and dragging him out of the room. Matt’s eyes didn’t leave mine.

“I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for letting you get hurt” Matt mumbled as the door closed. I shook my head as I leaned down pressing my hands against his face. “It wasn’t your fault not of it was. Matt, you saved my life. Why did you move in front of the bullet?” I whispered as I looked down at him.

He shook his head.

“I wasn’t gonna let you die” He whispered. I smiled before pressing my lips against his cold ones and then leaning my forehead against his. “God, I never thought I’d feel that again” I whispered looking at him. He smiled.

“You know the only thing I could think about when I thought that it was it for me was that I couldn’t even remember the last time we kissed” I whispered as a tear fell down my face onto his.

“It was at the dance when we were dancing” he mumbled. I closed my eyes and nodded. “You’re right” I chuckled. He reached up wiping the tears under my eyes.

“I love you” He mumbled.

I shook my head.

“I love you more” I whispered. He smiled.

“Impossible”

-

matt pov

The pain was almost unbearable, only when I moved. It was easier to look over and see her on the chair next to my bed, fast asleep against the arm of the chair. Her lips slightly parted, her eyes closed.

Peaceful.

I smiled as I looked down at her.

I feel like I’ve never really done anything right in my life. But for some reason the universe gave me her. I don’t deserve it, but I had it and I wasn’t ever letting her go.

I couldn’t describe the fear in my chest seeing her pressed against the wall, gun pointed at her while I laid there helpless. It was something that was going to haunt me for a long time. I owed Cecilia my life for saving her.

I remembered looking towards Cecilia on the ground as I dropped my gun. She motioned for me to kick it to her when Slim told me to drop it, and I did. I never trusted her, not after what she did to y/n and I’s relationship, but in the moment I had nothing else to do but trust her so I kicked her the gun.

Having no idea that would save my girlfriend’s life.

Y/n’s chest rose and fell with each breath. She was alive and breathing. I closed my eyes, not caring if the pain corsating through my body would last forever if it meant that I wasn’t dreaming. That she was there.

I heard the door start to open, excepting to see Chris or Nick but instead it was her dad, the chief of police. I took in a breath as his eyes went from me to her.

He sighed as he walked in and closed the door. He walked over to Y/n and I just watched him as his hand came over her head. She didn’t move, deep in sleep.

“I’m glad she’s finally sleeping, she’s been awake for hours” He said quietly looking down at her. I just looked at him. He glanced up at me.

“She still hasn’t eaten anything. I’m hoping when she wakes up you can convince her to eat something” He said looking at me. I nodded closing my eyes.

“She hasn’t eaten anything yet?” I asked looking at him. He shook his head. “She’s been camped up outside of your surgery room since she woke up and knew that you weren’t okay” He said, making my heart drop. Knowing she was probably in pain herself sitting in those uncomfortable chairs for hours, just waiting to know if I was going to live.

I glanced back over to her sleeping figure.

He walked over to my bed looking down at me. My body stiffened.

“You took a nasty hit” He stated looking down at me. I just looked at him, not sure if he was getting ready to actually end my life or not.

“Nick told me you moved in front of the bullet so it wouldn’t hit her” He said raising his eyebrows. I swallowed and shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter, I didn’t know he would fire two shots. She still got hit” I mumbled the last part feeling the pain in my chest, the guilt of knowing my actions still didn’t prevent her from getting hurt.

“You jumped in front of a bullet to save my daughter” He stated. I looked up at him. He closed his eyes. “You’re an idiot” He shook his head. “But thank you. I owe you my life” he said leaning down and placing his hand on my shoulder.

I smiled slightly at him.

“But I do still have to get in the questioning and whatnot because of my job” He sighed. I just looked at him, swallowing.

He pulled out a paper before looking down at him.

“What were you doing there?” He asked looking down at me. I looked up at the ceiling. “I knew Y/n was there and I knew it wasn’t safe so I went” I answered. “Why did you know it wasn’t safe?” He asked after.

I looked over at him, not answering.

“How do you know Slim Propell?” He asked instead. I shrugged. “Knew his name from around” I lied. He glanced back to his paper. “Were you and your brother involved in anyway in Slims drug business that we aren’t aware of or can you offer any names of anyone that wasn’t at the scene of the crime?” he asked.

I shook my head.

He closed the paper.

“Okay” He said stepping back.

“Okay?” I questioned. He looked back at me. “That’s it?” I asked shaking my head, knowing the questioning process was long, hard, and miserable from my former experience. He nodded. I shook my head furrowing my eyebrows.

He sighed stepping back towards me.

“Look from your record, do I think you’re innocent in all of this?” He asked shaking his head. I just watched him. “No” he stated blankly. I didn’t move.

“Do I know that you jumped in front of a gun to save my daughter?” He said looking back at Y/n, who was still sound asleep. He turned back at me. “Yes” he let out a breath.

“I don’t know or necessarily care why or how you are involved in any of this—but” He paused. “But we didn’t find anything to tie you to it” He answered. I closed my eyes.

Thank the gods for Y/n.

“So stay out of trouble. I meant it when I said I didn’t want to see you in my office again, for anything. I hope that near death experience scared you enough” He pointed at me. I swallowed.

“Almost losing Y/n, scared me enough to never get involved in anything like that again” I answered truthfully. He nodded looking down at me.

“Good” He said as he walked towards the door.

“Chief wait” I said catching his attention. I looked back towards Y/n. “Can I ask you something?” I whispered. He nodded walking back towards me.

I swallowed this was terrifying.

“I know you don’t like me. I know you never thought I was good enough for your daughter and trust me I don’t think I am either” I shook my head. He just crossed his arms and looked down at me.

“But I can’t almost lose her again” I shook my head. “I can’t imagine a life without her in it” I mumbled looking at him. He narrowed his eyes at me.

“She’s the love of my life” I stated. He didn’t react as he looked down at me. “I promise I’ll never put her in a position to get hurt ever again” I whispered shaking my head. He nodded and pursed his lips.

“What are you trying to ask me kid?” He asked looking down at me. I glanced over at her and then back to him.

“We graduate in May—“

“With your recovery time period you’ll be luck to graduate” He stated looking down at me. I sighed closing my eyes. “She’ll graduate in May” I stated looking up at him. He nodded.

“I know we’re young—“ I said shaking my head furrowing my eyebrows looking up at him. He closed his eyes and sighed.

“I can’t live without her” I whispered. He took in a breath and opened his eyes.

“Can I marry your daughter?”

-

y/n pov

The next month was a tiring experience if I’m being honest, but it didn’t matter to me. I would hand feed Matt for the rest of my life, just happy that he was here with me.

Nights and mornings I stayed at the hospital while he recovered. Taking care of every need he had. He made it fun, always keeping me laughing and entertained.

I would lay in bed with him when the nurses weren’t looking and he would talk about everything we were gonna do when he got released. It made me happy, because sure we were in the hospital, but we could be anywhere it would feel like home.

Because he was my home.

When he finally did get released, Chris and Nick helped out a lot. With moving him from the hospital back to his house. It was nice being out of that stuffy hospital.

“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything else? Some water? More pillows?” I asked as I searched his room. He laughed as he motioned for me to walk back over to him. I sighed smiling as I walked over to him.

“Y/n, I’m fine. I’m home. I don’t need you waiting on me hand and foot” He mumbled as he leaned up and pressed his lips to mine. I smiled against his lips as I looked down at him and sighed, pushing his hair behind his face. He smiled up at me.

“I do need you to do something for me though” he whispered. I shot up. “Is it more pillows? Turn on the air? I did think it was a little hot in here—“ I said running towards the door.

“Y/n” he laughed. I turned and looked at me. “Come back over here” He smiled. I sighed and walked back over to him. “What is it?” I asked looking down at him.

“Go find Cecilia. Make sure she’s okay” He said looking up at me. I looked down at him, before nodding. “Okay” I breathed. “I’ll be fine here, Nick and Chris can take care of me” He smiled.

“They won’t rub my feet though I don’t think” He said shaking his head.

“No we won’t” Chris said as he passed the door. I chuckled and smiled at him. “Landon’s house is two streets over from here, the one at the end with the two green trash can in front of them” Matt explained as he ran his hands through my hair.

I nodded looking down at him.

“Okay” I breathed standing up. I ran my sweaty hands over my jeans as I looked down at him. A part of me slightly scared to leave him. “Okay, okay” I nodded as I walked towards the door.

I looked back at him.

“Are the pillows okay?” I asked.

“I’m okay, y/n go” He chuckled. I smiled and nodded as I pushed the door open.

-

I stood in front of the door. I turned around. Green trash cans. This was it. Why was I scared to face her? I closed my eyes and took in a breath before knocking on the door softly.

There was some rusting around before I heard the door unlock and open slightly. She was standing there. Her eyes froze when she saw me. I just stared at her.

“Y/n” she breathed opening the door wider. I just looked at her. She looked terrified. She looked down at the ground. “Y/n I’m so sorry—I don’t know what the say I—“

I cut her off my rushing forward and wrapping her in a hug tightly. She froze before she let out a breath, wrapping her arms around me. “Y/n, I’m so sorry” Her voice broke.

I pulled back shaking my head.

“Cecilia you saved my life.” I said shaking my head. She just looked at me. “I was so s-scared I’m sorry I thought he was dead but then—I didn’t see him pick up the gun—-he shot Matt. I—“ She shook her head.

“Matt’s okay. Matt’s fine” I smiled looking at her. She stopped looking at me. “H-He’s okay?” She asked shaking her head not believing my words.

I nodded smiling. She let out a breath before hugging me again. “Oh thank God. Oh thank God” she breathed agaisnt me. I smiled against her, before she pulled back.

“It’s been over a month. I-I didn’t know I thought you hated me, I thought he wasn’t—“ she stopped biting her lip. I shook my head. “Everyone is okay. I just didn’t want to leave Matt’s side—I’m sorry I would have come sooner” I shook my head.

She shook her head. “Don’t you dare apologize” she said shaking her head. I let out a breath smiling. She eyes trailed down to my arm. I looked down at my arm looking at the bullet wound.

She hands hovered over it.

“Oh my god. Are you okay?” She whispered looking down at it. I nodded smiling. “I’m okay” I smiled. She smiled up at me. “Feel kind of like a badass now, feel like you” I smiled up at her. She smiled and looked down.

“Did the cops give you a hard time?” I asked lightly. She sighed. “They took me into cutting for questioning, but they released me on self-defense” She nodded.

I tilted my head into her house.

“How are you doing? Without Landon and everything?” I asked looking up at her. She sighed and looked down. “I’m okay” She breathed, but there was something hidden behind her face. I tilted my head at her.

“I can’t pay the bills. I don’t have an income anymore without Landon. I’ve already got my late notice, I think I’m gonna lose the house” She admitted shaking her head softly. My heart clenched for her.

The best thing that could have ever happened to her, she got out of. She’s free, but now she has nothing. I just looked at her.

“Stay with me” I blurted out.

She looked up at me, her eyes wide. “What?” She asked. I shrugged. “I have the space, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t mind. With everything you’ve done. I’d love it if you came and stayed at me. We have the room” I said shaking my head. She sighed and shook her head.

“I couldn’t” She sighed. “I’ve done enough damage” She swallowed. I pushed her shoulder. “Stop being prideful and take my help. Please come stay with me. Please?” I asked looking up at her.

She just looked at me.

“I couldn’t leave Spot” She breathed.

“Who’s spot?”

All of the sudden a nose poked through the doors. My eyes widened as I smiled and leaned down seeing a small dog looking up at me, wagging his tail up at me. Cecilia chuckled.

“Spot! Oh my goodness!” I gushed as the dog pushed forward and licked my face. I laughed as I pushed the fur behind his ears.

“That’s spot” she chuckled above me. I smiled as I stood back up. “Spot can come too” I smiled. She closed her eyes before rushing forward and hugging me for the third time, this time almost knocking me off my feet.

“Thank you.”

-

“Feel good?” I asked as I dropped the last box. She nodded as my Dad followed in behind her. “The room was going to waste anyway, happy to have you here kid” My dad said putting his hand on her shoulder.

She smiled up at him.

“Thank you, for everything” She said shaking her head. “No problem, you saved my daughter’s life—you’re family now” He said shaking his head. She smiled before pushing forward and hugging him tightly.

My dad’s eyes went wide as he slightly hugged her back, chuckling.I smiled just watching them. My dad has no idea what he just did for her.

Spot came walking up before jumping in on the hug and I chuckled. “I’m not taking care of the dog though” He said as Cecilia let him go.

I reached down petting the dog.

“You won’t. We will” I said smiling. My dad rolled his eyes. “I promise he’s well trained. He won’t be a bother to you” Cecelia said shaking her head. My dad smiled and sighed.

I rolled my eyes knowing in a month time, my dad would be attached to the dog. Just like he was with the ones at the station.

“Okay well I’ll let you get settled in” My dad said as he walked towards the door. I smiled before nodded. “Thanks again for everything” Cecilia smiled at him. He nodded before leaving us be.

I sat up looking at her. She smiled at me.

“Well, I’m going to Matt’s to help him with figuring out his medicine and everything” I breathed looking at her. She smiled and shook her head. “He’s been fully recovered for two months. I think he’s okay” She chuckled. I smiled and shook my head.

“You just like babying him, admit it” She chuckled pointing at him. My face went red. “I do not!” I laughed shaking my head. She shook her head as she grabbed some pillows and threw them on the bed.

“Whatever, go see your boyfriend” she smiled rolling her eyes. I smiled as I turned towards the door. I looked back at her as she started to open some of the boxes.

“Do you wanna come?” I asked softly. She stood up looking at me and then shook her head. “I’m not third wheeling” She smiled. I rolled my eyes. “No, Nick and Chris will be there. I want you to officially meet them” I smiled. She shook her head.

“I already met Nick” She mumbled. I smiled as I stalked towards her. “Okay, well maybe I want you to meet Chris” I smiled grabbing her hands. She shook her head rolling her eyes. “I’m okay, really” She said shaking her head.

I sighed.

“Please, you need my help unpacking anyway. We’ll stay there a few hours and then come back and make your room all Cecilia-fied” I said looking around. “Cecilia-fied?” She chuckled. I nodded before grabbing her hand.

“Please” I pulled her. She groaned. “Fine” she shook her head. I smiled as I pulled her out of the room.

-

I turned the lock to the house before pushing the door open. “You’re just—you’re just walking in?” Cecilia said looking at me. I ignored her as I walked in. “Okay we’re just walking in” She chuckled as we walked into the house.

“I’m here!” I announced. Nick and Chris looked up at me from the couch. “Okay?” Nick shook his head looking back towards the TV. Cecilia followed in after me.

“Where’s my love?” I smiled at them. Nick rolled his eyes. “I hate that you’re calling him that now” Nick shook his head. I glared at them. I looked over at Chris whose eyes were fixated on Cecilia. I looked over at Cecilia whose eyes were on his as well.

I grabbed her arm before pulling her towards them.

“Nick, Chris. This is my new roomy Cecilia. Aka, the girl who saved my life” I mumbled leaning into them as I spoke to them. Nick looked up at me. “We’ve met” Nick said smiling shaking his head. Cecilia nodded at him.

Chris stood up from the couch.

“I’m Chris” he said holding out his hand. “Cecilia” she smiled taking his hand and shaking it. I just looked between them as they looked at each other. Silence filled the room. I looked down at Nick who raised his eyebrows looking at the two of them.

“You guys can let go now, it’s getting weird” Nick mumbled. They dropped their hands before Chris turned to Nick and Cecilia turned to me a slight blush on her cheeks.

“Where’s my baby!”

I turned hearing his voice before smiling seeing him walking down the hallway. I ran up to him before wrapping my arms around Matt’s neck and pressing my lips to his.

Noises of disgust filled the room as we kissed. Matt held up his middle finger as he kissed me back. I chuckled as I parted our lips.

“You look good, you’ve got your color back” I smiled rubbing my thumbs against his face. “I’ve got a good nurse” he smiled pressing his lips against mine. I smiled against him.

“You two are gross” Nick shook his head. I pulled from him. “You’re taking your medicine?” I asked looking up at him. He nodded. “Every three hours” He nodded. “You’re cleaning the wounds?” I asked. He rolled his eyes.

“If you’re asking if I’ve showered, yes” He said looking down at me. “You have to disinfect it Matt, I told you that or it can get worse” I said shaking my head at him. He groaned. “God stop talking” He smiled as he kissed me to stop my protesting.

He pulled back as he looked down at me. “I’ve got some strength back” He whispered so only I could hear him. I hummed smiling up at him. “Yeah? And what does that mean?” I smiled up at him.

“Hmm, you know what that means” He smiled down at me. I took in a breath as I turned around to the rest of them.

“Are ya’ll okay to chill? I’ve gotta help him with something” I smiled. Chris shook his head and sat down waving us off. I smiled as Matt wrapped his arms around me from behind.

Cecilia looked up at me before running up to me. I just looked at her as Matt pressed his chin against my shoulder.

“W-What do I do?” She whispered looking at me. I shrugged. “Just talk to them” I smiled. She turned and looked back at them. “I’m not good at talking” She whispered fear on her face.

Matt chuckled as he buried his face into my neck. I shook my head as I put my hand on the back of his neck as I looked at Cecilia.

“You’re not scared of drug dealers but you’re scared of Chris?” I asked looking at her. She paused before nodding. I sighed before I felt Matt press his lips against my neck, attempting to pull me back.

“He’s just a boy Cels” I smiled. “Look at him, you didn’t tell me he was sculpted by the gods?” She whispered to me her eyes wide. Matt chuckled against my neck.

“He looks like Matt, of course he’s hot” I rolled my eyes. Matt lifted his head looking down at me. “Never call my brother hot ever again” He said looking down at me. I rolled my eyes at him as he grabbed my arm and started to drag me away from Cecilia.

“Just talk to him Cecilia, I promise we won’t be long” I said shaking my head. Cecilia looked terrified as she shook her head. “Yes we will” Matt said looking down at me.

“Cecilia!” I heard Nick’s voice.

Cecilia turned around and then back at me as Matt dragged me down the hallway. “Go!” I whispered. She whined before turning and walking back towards the couch.

Matt grabbed both of my arms before pushing me into his room, giving me barely as second to turn around before his lips pressed sloppy to mine. I giggled as I pulled back and he pressed his lips against my neck.

“You were suppose to be here an hour ago” he mumbled against my neck and he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me towards him. “I know, I was moving Cecilia in” I said as he bit down on my neck.

“You should have texted me, I thought you were dead” He said as he kissed under my jaw. I pulled his face up glaring at him. “That wasn’t funny” I stated looking at him. He smiled sheepishly down at me.

“I thought it was kinda funny” He smiled before pressing his lips against mine. I smiled as he kissed me and then walked me over to bed, before laying me down and climbing on top of me, not breaking the kiss.

He shifted on top of me. He winced before parting our kiss and leaning on his elbow, his face twisted in pain. I sat up and looked down at him. He opened his eyes and sighed.

“Y/n I’m-“

“You’re not fine, and you’re not cleared to do physical activity” I stated looking down at me. He smiled and closed his eyes. “Physical activity?” He questioned chuckling, making me laugh. He climbed back on top of me.

“I said I was fine. The doctor said if I wasn’t in pain I could start lifting boxes” He said looking down at me. “I’m heavier than a box” I stayed looking up at him. He rolled his eyes. “Barley” He mumbled before pressing his lips against mine again.

I smiled before pulling back. “You’re in pain. I’m not having sex with you” I said looking up at him. He whined pressing his face into my shoulder.

“Please?”

I smiled and shook my head.

“Not till you’re fully healed. Doctor’s orders” I said. He lifted his head. “Doctor’s orders” he mocked me making me hit his chest. He whined leaning forward. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I said quickly pressing my hands against his face.

He smiled and shook his head.

“You won’t have sex with me but you’ll punch me?” He breathed holding his chest. I chuckled looking at me. “I’m guessing all of those pain meds stopped messing with your hormones?” I asked looking up at him.

“If you’re asking if my dick can get hard now, yes it can” He chuckled. I smiled and shook my head. He laid against me. “They wore off last night” He mumbled against me. I ran my hands up his back.

“I was wondering why I was getting all those werid messages” I chuckled as I ran my nails up his back, under his shirt. He whined and shifted under me.

“Don’t do that” He stated as I felt him press against my leg. I raised my eyebrows. “Wow they really did wear off” I chuckled. He pushed his face into my chest and groaned as I laughed.

“Please have sex with me”

“No” I chuckled.

“Can you get me off please? I’m begging, it’s fucking painful” He said looking up at me. I raised my eyebrows. “I’ll make it up to you once I’m better. I promise you I will” He breathed as his hands ran up my side as he lifted off me and hovered over me. I shook my head.

“You can’t get your heart rate up” I whispered. He sighed and hung his head. He lifted it and looked at me. “What about my hands? Am I allowed to use my hands?” He asked looking down at me. I rolled my eyes.

“I get the no sex thing—whatever stupid” He rolled his eyes making me laugh. “But can I touch you?” He whispered smiling as he pushed my shirt up his fingers trailing the bottom of my bra.

“Do you want my hands baby?” He whispered against my ear, his hand trailing down my stomach. Fuck.

I pushed his hands away. “I’m not getting off on your hands” I mumbled. “Is that a challenge?” He tilted his head. I chucked and shook my head. “No! I mean—“ I laughed shaking my head.

“I want it to be you, the first time it happens again” I whispered. He sighed as he rolled off of me. “God, you’re painfully romantic” He whispered looking at me. I smiled turning and looking at him.

“I love you” he whispered.

I smiled.

“I love you too” I whispered back.

He smiled, just looking at me.

“Will you marry me?” He whispered. My eyes went wide. “What?” I chuckled. He grabbed my hand, interlacing our fingers. “Will you marry me?” He asked again. I just blinked at him, not knowing if he was serious.

“I—are you seriously asking?” I whispered. He shrugged. “I wanted to wait until after you got your GED, I know you were stressed about not being able to graduate because you spent so much time with me at the hospital, but—“ he shook his head.

“We’re 18, Matt” I whispered.

“I know, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you” he whispered back. I smiled. “Please don’t make me beg you to say yes” He whispered. I rolled my eyes leaving forward and pressing my lips to his.

“I’ll believe you’re serious when you have the ring” I rolled my eyes. He sighed before rolling over and grabbing something off the side of his desk. My heart dropped.

He rolled back over to me before opening a box revealing a diamond ring.

I shot up.

He just laughed.

“Y-You’re serious?” I said looking at him. He sat up nodding. “Y-You asked my dad?” I asked looking at him. He nodded smiling.

“I didn’t think you were into the whole cheesy proposal scene” He mumbled. I shook my head looking at him. “Do you want me to get on my knee?” He asked as he looked at me. I shook my head as I looked at him, covering my mouth.

“I love you y/n. I want to spent the rest of my life with you. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I know that I love you and that I want you forever. Please marry me” He whispered looking at me. “Yes! Oh my god yes!” I screamed climbing over him and pressing my lips against his. He smiled as he wrapped his arms around me.

I pulled back. I lifted my hand up. “I’m shaking” I said looking at him. He chuckled. “Me too” He whispered as he grabbed my hand and took the ring and pushed is over my finger.

I looked down at it. It was perfect.

I screamed before grabbing his face and kissing him.

10 years later

“Here” Matt mumbled making me turn around the look at him. I smiled as I he held up a cup of coffee. “Yay” I whispered as I grabbed the mug and held it close to me. Matt wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him. He kissed the top of my head as we stared out onto the snow behind our house.

“It’s so pretty” I whispered as I looked out to the calm surrounding. “I didn’t know if I was gonna like Vermont” he mumbled. I looked up at him. “What?” I smiled. He shrugged.

“I just knew I was gonna go wherever you wanted. But I do, I love it here” He whispered looking around. I smiled and leaned up pressing my lips to his.

“You’re dad still coming up?” He asked. I nodded. “He’s staying the weekend for Christmas and everything” I said. He nodded and smiled. “Cecilia and Chris are gonna come around noon I think? It’s only a 30 minute drive for them” I said. He smiled and nodded.

“Nick was suppose to text me when him and Ryan are coming, but he’s so last minute.” Matt said shaking his head. I sighed as I leaned against him. “It’s okay, I’m not worried” I smiled. He sighed as he pulled me against him.

“Are you gonna tell your dad?” He whispered against me. I shook my head. “I don’t want him to worry. It’s over now” I whispered, swallowing the lump in my throat.

He pulled me back.

“You’re not talking to me about it. You’re worrying me. I wanna come to the last doctor’s appointment” He said looking down at me. I shook my head.

“It’s not a big deal Matt. It’s over now, it’s just the check up” I whispered. He shook his head. “It is a big deal” He mumbled. I sighed pressing my head into his chest. I heard the back door open before I felt small arms come between us.

“My daddy!”

I looked down seeing Lily prying me away from Matt. I chucked as I backed away. I took Matt’s coffee cup before setting it on the table next to us. “Your daddy huh?” Matt smiled down at our daughter before reaching down and picking her up off her feet.

I smiled and shook my head as he grunted and put his arm under her, holding her up. She smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled.

“She’s such a daddy’s girl” I rolled my eyes as Lily smiled against Matt. Matt smiled at her, kissing the top of her head. She smiled.

“Your hair looks so pretty Lily” He said pushing her hair with his hands. “Mommy did it” Lily said pointing at me. Matt smiled at me. “Oh she did?” he smiled down at her. I just smiled watching them. She nodded smiling.

“I wanna play in the snow” Lily whined looking at him. Matt looked up at me smiling. “Not before breakfast, you know the rules” I said walking over to her and pushing her brown hair out of her small face.

She whined. “Daddyyy” she said looking at Matt. “Mommy’s mean isn’t she?” Matt said looking down at her. Lily nodded and laid against his shoulder. I rolled my eyes.

“Go get your coat and gloves on” Matt said as he placed her back onto her feet. “Matt” I said looking at him. Matt smiled at me. “She wants to play in the snow baby” Matt smiled looking at me.

I sighed leaning into the house.

“Jack, come watch your sister please!” I said as our toddler looked up from the cartoons playing in front of him and jumped off the couch.

I sighed looking up at Matt. He looked down at me his hands coming over my stomach.

“It’s gonna be okay my love” He whispered looking down at me. I nodded taking in a breaths. A few seconds later Jack and Lily bust through the door pushing past us, screaming as they ran down the steps to our backyard.

“Please be careful!” I yelled holding my arms out as they sprinted down the slippery steps. Matt’s arms came around me. “They are fine y/n” He breathed. I sighed leaning into him as we watched as our kids played around in the snow, Lily screaming as Jack threw a snowball at her.

“We have two beautiful kids, I can’t ask for anything more” Matt whispered against me. I nodded swallowing the lump in my throat.

One miscarriage isn’t the end of the world. But I didn’t know why it tore my soul out. I found out about a month ago that I was pregnant but that it wasn’t good. I miscarriaged last week.

It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

But i felt okay being here with Matt as we watched our two beautiful healthily kids play around in the snow.

I sighed looking up at him.

“Who would have thought?”

“Who would have thought what?” He smiled. I pursed my life. “The delinquent Eastside kid and the Chiefs daughter, a perfect love story no one wants to read” I smiled wrapping my arms around his neck. His eyes went wide.

“I haven’t heard that term in years” He chuckled. I smiled. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

“I would still read it” he mumbled against my lips.

“Eww!” I heard Jacks voice and I turned my head seeing both of my kids staring at us with a face of disgust. Matt let go of me as he ran down the steps. They screamed as they ran from him.

“Matt you don’t have—“

He grabbed Jack, tumbling into the snow.

“A coat” I breathed chuckling shaking my head as he played in the snow.

Maybe someone would read our love story, because I sure loved it.

OH MY GOSHHH!!!! HEY GUYS!!! SORRY THIS ENDING WAS SO LONG BUT I LOVED THIS STORY. I really had yall thinking I was gonna kill off Matt. Anyway, thank you guys for reading, engaging, commenting, and everything else. I love you guys so much and I hope you loved this story.

xoxo, Autumn

tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @paper-crab @chrisolivia4l @mwah0mwah @recklesssturniolo @ejswift @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @oversturn @ghostgurlswrld @flowerxbunnie @ilytrinsworld @lustfulslxt @kiarastromboli @gemofthenight @blahbel668 @haunted-headset @sturnybabes @bethsturn @d3adlyclassrat @sturnybabes @mattsbitch @chrisluvbot @nickenthusiast @sturniolossmut @biimpanicking @iloveneilperry @chalametbich @dsmja @bernardsleftbootycheek @lovingsturniolo @aoxash @idrkk-123 @gingerbreadgodofhyperdeath @babagurlrichey @d3adlyclassrat @iammattsturniolo @1201pm @urfavstromboli @that-chris-girl01 @lovingsturniolo @aoxash

[sugrhigh]

BOY NEXT DOOR 2 - ( c.s )

part one

summary- you and your roommates live beside a bunch of senior hockey players, one of them being the infamous team captain chris sturniolo. he’s effortlessly flirty and undeniably attractive, but he’s also a pain in your ass. you find that you have to fight between lust and hatred as you finally get to know the boy next door, whether you want to or not.

warnings- swearing, kissing, that’s it i think

neighbor/hockey!chris x fem!reader

a/n: PART TWOOOOO!!!! i hope u guys like this series i’m having a lot of fun with it (and s/o to my girl @cutenote for letting me use her name). self-indulged this chapter and made the reader a flyers fan so SRY but anyways, enjoy! next thing im putting out is a matt request and then i’ll be working on this series and the tattooartist!reader x matt series. if you have other reqs, questions, confessions, etc, my inbox is open 🫶🏻

@cutenote @mattsmunch @mattybsbitch @breeloveschris @st7rnioioss

your stomach flips as you stare in the mirror, twisting and turning every which way to make sure you look alright. you’re in one of chris’s jerseys, repping the crimson and gold colors of boston university, complete with the little ‘C’ emblem for captain.

he left it in your mailbox earlier on his way to the arena, demanding that you wear it instead of the BU sweatshirt you had planned on going in. so you listened to him, even though you’re not really sure why.

your hair and makeup are all done, contrary to the last time chris saw you, when you were in his house threatening to call the cops. it feels performative, getting all dressed up for something you don’t even want to go to.

but what the hell, you hadn’t seen the team play at all this year, and if you look your best you’ll feel your best. at least, that’s what you convinced yourself would happen.

“are you done up there? we need to leave, games gonna start soon!” one of your roommates calls from the living room.

you sigh and turn away from your own reflection so you can head for the stairs. cassidy and ramona are both waiting for you on the couch as you round the corner, also decked out in BU merch.

you’re just lucky you had been able to convince them both to come with you, so you don’t have to stand by yourself.

“took you long enough.” cassidy mumbles under her breath as she stretches her legs and stands up.

mona mimicks her movements, but not without shooting her a glare. “be nice, she’s obviously nervous.”

“no i’m not!” you protest, and now they both give you an eye roll as they pass you to get their coats from the closet.

“your voice just went up ten octaves.” cass snarks.

you are anxious, but it’s just because of the unknown. you still haven’t figured out what chris is angling at, besides maybe sleeping with you, which isn’t gonna happen. well, probably not at least.

no, not ever. oh my god.

“i’m not nervous. i just wish i could back out.” you double down, turning to see them both pulling on their big winter jackets.

“you used to love hockey, you just don’t like chris. one game won’t kill you.” ramona replies.

“and you also didn’t have to agree.”

this accusation makes your face flush, in embarrassment and in denial. “he wouldn’t have stopped that party if i didn’t. and you know i could never actually call the cops.”

ramona stays silent as cass laces up her shoes. “whatever you say babe. you look cute in his jersey either way.”

“cassidy!” you whine in exasperation.

“i’m honestly not sorry.”

the entire walk to the get to the game is spent harassing you, which is a solid twenty minutes because you live off campus. ramona does try to keep it to a minimum, though you can’t really blame them for the questions. you have them too.

it’s always been weird with you and chris. you hate his attitude, how people fall to his feet like he’s some sort of god. you can’t stand the way he talks to you like he can read your mind, or how you always catch him staring at your lips just so he can pretend like he wasn’t.

he does it to every girl, and you don’t know why he’s taking all of these extra steps to try and get you into bed.

maybe because you see through it, and you don’t want any part of him. he said it himself, he doesn’t want a relationship, and you’re not looking to get an STD, so you don’t know why he’s bothering.

you finally arrive at the facility, and your stomach flips. tons of people are out tonight, of course. the sun is long gone with it being winter and all, so the lights are extra overwhelming as you step inside.

you head through security and scan your passes, ones that are specifically right beside the student section in the very front. chris gifted them to you for free since you didn’t get season tickets, right by the glass so he knows where you are.

even when you were a pain in the ass and insisted you needed two more for your roommates, he made it work. it was a little impressive.

you find your seats, and the boys are already on the ice warming up. you spot chris from the jersey number, 3, and you can see his long hair poking out from underneath his helmet.

he’s focused on taking a practice shot, but as he skates by the glass afterwards you see him looking, like he isn’t sure if you showed up. but then he finds you, and you can actually see his stupid smile.

he waves, just a tiny one, before he goes right back to drills. you’re thankful he didn’t make it dramatic, because you know there’s plenty of girls in the stands who want him, and have probably already been with him.

you each take your coats off and hang them on your chairs. you know the fact that you having his last name plastered across your back doesn’t help the attention, but people can think what they want.

you don’t give a fuck. cassidy was right, it’s cuter on you anyways.

they head into the locker room quickly after your arrival, and even more people fill in to watch the show. the student section is loud as the facility finally goes dark, and the team skates back onto the ice moments later.

spotlights flood the stadium, highlighting different players as both teams line up along the neutral zone. you cheer extra loud when they announce the starting lineup and call chris’s name, even despite your vendetta against him.

no use being a shitty fan if you’re already here.

they get ready for the face off after the national anthem, and BU gets the puck. it’s back and forth for a while, and you find yourself groaning and cheering with the rest of the crowd during every play.

the first goal of the game is scored within fifteen minutes, by one of his other roommates ben, of all people. you and your friends are jumping around like maniacs, and you can see him laughing at you guys after they’re all done celebrating on the ice.

it makes you wonder if chris told them you’d be here, but you force yourself to eat the popcorn cass bought and stop thinking about it.

the second period begins and BU keeps possession for most of it, pretty much dominating their opponent. in the final thirty seconds, chris drives down the rink to score another goal.

you throw your hands up without thinking, and you let the excitement take over. “fuck yeah!”

cassidy and ramona are screaming too, shaking you by the shoulders wildly.

he comes skating over, pointing right at you as he does a lap near the student section. heads turn, and you can literally feel people staring at you now, even despite the noise and the chaos.

but you’re alive, and you can’t get enough of this environment, so you keep cheering for him regardless of the burning feeling of eyes on you.

“that was cute.” ramona nudges you with a genuine smile, and you’re fighting your own grin as you shake your head.

“whatever.”

the rest of the game is swift. your goalie makes a couple great saves, and a guy named dylan, who you’ve met before at parties, scores the final point of the night.

it just twists the knife further, because it’s a total shutout. the fans go wild as the final buzzer sounds, and you’re right there with them. you relish in the lights, the feeling.

you really did miss watching hockey in person. and you can’t even say you necessarily hate watching chris anymore. there’s just something about the way he skates, so locked in on the game.

he’s a threat, to be completely honest, and you kind of love it.

“that was fucking crazy.” cassidy is beaming happily as you guys gather your things ten minutes post-game, and ramona nods along.

“we’re gonna have to do this more often.” she glances at you with hope.

“hey, don’t look at me. i’m in it for the free tickets, and i’m not sure how long that’ll last.” you’re lying through your teeth, because you enjoyed it just as much.

but again. who knows what he’s really trying to do here.

“you could give him the benefit of the doubt.” mona suggests dryly.

“does he really deserve it? he’s going to think he’s the shit either way.” you point out, and she goes quiet.

“maybe that’s true, but i’ve never heard of him doing whatever that celebration was with other girls.” cassidy takes over, and she’s honestly check-mated you.

it is strange, because when you watched games last season, before you had chris as your neighbor, before you even really knew of him, you hadn’t ever seen that. and from current knowledge, you’re pretty sure he had a short term girlfriend during one of those months.

“touché, i guess.” you grumble, and as if right on que your phone vibrates in your pocket.

chris

wait for me, 15 mins max

ramona and cassidy take the bus home, leaving you on your lonesome as the crowd clears out slowly but surely.

you can hear girls whispering about you as they walk by, but it’s not even worth it. you’re not scared of what they have to say. maybe when you were younger, you would have reacted, but it’s just displaced jealousy anyways.

they don’t even know the truth.

finally, after what feels like a painful amount of time, you get a text from chris with directions toward the locker rooms.

it’s far more quiet now as you make your way to the ground level of the arena, headed to the section of the rink you know is closed off to pretty much everyone else. there’s a guy standing there, dressed in his black shirt with the facility logo on it.

he goes to stop you, but chris comes strutting through the hall, out of uniform now. his brown hair is all messy, and he’s dressed down in a matching black sweat set.

“she’s cool, i have a pass for her.”

he walks right up to you, looping a red lanyard over your head. his fingertips brush the skin of your neck as he collects your hair with his hands, flipping it out from underneath the string for you.

it’s a small thing. his touch is barely there, and yet it still burns.

the security guy smiles at you as you follow chris down the hall. you’ve never been back here before, and you have to admit it’s kind of cool.

you can see where the arena workers go on and off the ice, and the large garage type doors that let the zambonis in and out.

“so.” he breaks the silence, and you almost jump at the sound of his voice.

you were in your own world, and you kind of forgot what was actually going on here.

“so.” you parrot, waiting for him to continue as he leads you around a corner.

“looked like you actually had fun for once.” chris jokes, and you shove his shoulder half-heartedly.

“shut up, i’ve always liked hockey. you though? i’m not so sure.” you give him a look and he opens his mouth like he’s shocked.

“come on, i pointed you out after my goal and everything. you’re telling me you didn’t like it even a little?”

you liked it more than you care to admit, so you don’t. “it’s gonna take more than that to impress me, christopher, but i will say it was a good game.”

“you might just be our lucky charm.” chris glances at you out of the corner of the corner of his eye as he slows to a stop in front of the locker room.

you cross your arms over your chest. “now you're just patronizing me.”

“always assuming the worst.”

“well, you make it easy.” you tease.

he pauses to look down at your defensive stance, at his jersey all scrunched up around your body, and you can tell by his smirk that he’s loving it a little too much.

you clear your throat to try and alleviate some of the tension and chris snaps out of it, turning to head through the little entryway.

“i’m gonna grab my bag, don’t go anywhere.”

“you’re my ride, dumbass.” you remind him, and you hear his chuckle reverberate against the walls as he disappears.

a few players head out as you wait, ones you don’t recognize, and they nod at you politely as they chat amongst themselves. it actually takes you by surprise, but you try not to show it.

chris comes back into the hall a minute later, bag slung around his shoulder. he’s got a black bruins beanie on now, and you raise an eyebrow instinctively.

“why are you looking at me like that?” he asks, waving his hand so you follow him further down the wide corridor.

“your hat.” you point, and he looks offended.

“what’s your problem with it?”

“not everyone who goes to school here is actually from boston, genius. i’m a flyers fan.” you smile at him sweetly, and he literally groans.

“how did i not know this?” he asks as you guys reach the door that leads to the team parking lot.

“because you don’t know me.” you reply swiftly.

chris pushes the door open and holds it for you, another move you don’t expect. “i know more than you think.”

you shiver slightly as you step past him into the cold, wrapping your coat around yourself a bit tighter.

“if it helps you sleep at night.” you chirp over your shoulder.

you know his car, a black jeep grand cherokee that you’ve always been a little jealous of, and it’s sitting in the middle of the lot. not many others are still here, and you can hear both of your feet kicking up gravel as you walk.

chris picks up his pace so he can beat you there, swinging the passenger door open before you can do it yourself.

“wow, chivalry’s not dead.” you say blankly, sliding into the seat so he can close you in.

“what can i say, i’m a real gentleman.”

the interior smells like a pine air freshener, which actually isn’t a bad touch. chris walks around so he can toss his bag in the back and get behind the wheel, starting the engine and peeling out of the spot.

it’s quiet for a moment, aside from the music, and you can’t help but peek over at him sitting across from you. the shadows accentuate his striking features as he mumbles lyrics under his breath, nodding his head along ever so slightly.

he looks pretty, and you don’t like it one bit.

“i can feel you staring at me, you know.” chris turns to glance at you for a brief moment before he puts his eyes back on the road.

it makes your palms sweat, because he caught you in the act and now there’s no shying away.

deny, deny, deny.

“just wondering why your face looks like that.”

“what, devilishly handsome?” he smirks.

“i was thinking gremlin-esque, but sure.” you deadpan, and he just shakes his head and laughs lowly.

“so scared of your own feelings. it’s cute.”

it’s a major call-out, and it normally doesn’t phase you. but tonight it’s different. he’s being so fucking strange, and it’s clearly been messing with your head.

“i’m not scared of shit, because the only thing i feel is sorry for all the girls who have actually fallen for this.” you retort, and the frustration is clear in your voice.

“other girls don’t get the princess treatment like you do.” his self-satisfied demeanor doesn’t falter for a second, even despite your low blow.

“yeah, right. i’m sure i’m really special.”

chris grips the wheel tighter as he turns onto your street, and you have to rip your eyes away from his long fingers.

“well you’re the only one who’s ever worn my jersey, so that’s something.” he admits, scratching his neck absentmindedly.

you’re not sure whether you believe it, but this time he actually does sound genuinely nervous. well, nervous for chris.

“and i wear it best too.” you brush some imaginary dust off of your shoulder as he pulls up into his driveway and puts the car in park.

“won’t argue on that one.” he shrugs, shooting you an easy grin.

“that’s surprising.”

you step back out into the crisp night air, slamming the door shut behind you. you meet chris at the front of the car and try to move around him, headed for your own place.

he takes a step to block you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “where are you going?”

you put some distance between your bodies, because he’s once again too close for comfort, and it’s hard to focus on your words when he’s inches from your face.

“home, obviously.”

“why? i thought we were going to hang out.” he frowns.

“nothing good ever happens in your house past nine p.m.”

this makes him smirk. “very good things happen in that house past nine p.m.”

“your charm is irresistible, truly.” you bite back sarcastically, maneuvering around him as you try to ignore the fire burning in your stomach.

you’ve only taken two steps before chris grabs your arm, pulling you back into his chest quickly. his other hand goes to hold the side of your face, tangling in your hair as he leans in close.

his lips ghost over yours, just barely. you can smell the cologne he must have put on after the game, can feel his slight stubble scratching your face, and it’s all too much.

you haven’t been kissed in so long, and right now it doesn’t matter that it’s chris, and that it goes against everything you stand for. your eyes flutter closed and you fill the gap, pressing your mouth against his hard.

it shocks him, so much so that he almost forgets how to do this properly. chris can taste your berry chapstick, and your lips are so much fucking softer than he even imagined.

his tongue slides against yours skillfully, deepening the kiss as he presses his body flush against yours. you can feel his thumb brushing your cheek as your mouths clash together continuously. its passionate and angry and intense, and you can’t believe it’s happening.

why is this happening?

the thought snaps you out of it, and you put your hand on his chest to force him away roughly. chris is surprised, and you’re both slack-jawed and breathing heavily as your body tries to catch up with your brain.

“i…i’m gonna go.” you mumble quietly, because you have no idea what else to say.

“or you could stay.”

“i don’t want to.”

“you’re a terrible liar.” he counters, and you can see how raw and red his lips are even in the moonlight.

you shake your head and turn toward your own front porch. it’s too hard to continue meeting his fiery gaze, because he’s looking at you like he actually needs you.

“goodnight, chris.”

“this isn’t over, you know. one day you’ll finally admit it.” he calls after you, and you don’t gratify him with a response.

there’s nothing that’ll change his mind, especially after you had actually caved in during that moment of weakness. it was so unwarranted, and you’re angry that kissing him didn’t feel as wrong as it should have.

you take the steps two at a time and hurry through the door, closing it behind you and pressing your back to the wood.

your fingers dance across your lips, and you swear you can still feel his mouth on yours.

[incendiobrock]

Ghosted {Matt Sturniolo}

Request: Hi could I request Matt x reader.(Dialogue 20,action 17)The reader is Matt’s best friend but she loves him.It gets hard when he kinda ghosts her for this girl he has been seeing.When they do hang out that’s when the reader pours her heart out to him.Very much angst in the beginning but hopefully a fluffy ending.Thank you !

Prompt(s): accidental confession + “Are you crying?”

Warnings: language, angst, fluffy ending!

“We’re almost there.” Matt said softly, gently waking you up from your sleep. The plane was finally landing in Boston after hours of being in the air. Matt was kind enough to give you the window seat, knowing you would want to rest your head against it so you could take a nap.

“How long was I out for?” You questioned, feeling groggy and slightly out of it. Matt laughed, “You fell asleep maybe thirty minutes into the flight… And that’s a big maybe! It was honestly more like twenty minutes.” A smile grew on your face as a blush rose to your cheeks. He would always tease you because you could practically fall asleep under any circumstance. In the car, on a plane, on the couch, and you vaguely remembered falling asleep at the kitchen table at least once in your life.

Matt’s mom met you both outside of baggage claim greeting you both with a big hug. You would be staying at their childhood home for a few days, accompanying Matt with some secret project he was working on. Chris and Nick had decided to stay in LA which meant you had plenty of time to spend alone with Matt.

It was weird not having the others with you but you were excited to hang out with your best friend one on one. There had been talk of watching some movies, going to eat at some of your favorite Boston restaurants, and meeting up with some of your old high school friends together.

Matt had some plans for the first night, he was going to catch up with Nate and some others. You were going to just crash at the house and let them have a boys night, especially since it had been a few months since they had last seen each other. What you didn’t anticipate was that Matt would be completely ignoring your texts. Hours had passed and he hadn’t responded to your message asking when he would be coming back.

The sun was completely gone out of the sky and it was nearing midnight. The bedroom you would be sharing was dark and the bed you laid on felt unusually empty.

Are you okay? Haven’t heard from you in awhile

You texted him again, nerves getting the best of you. It wasn’t like him to not be on his phone for this long. Before you knew it the night had turned into morning and there was still no signs of Matt. It was a miracle you had even been able to fall asleep last night without hearing back from him.

The smell of bacon filled the house as you made your way out to the kitchen. You expected to see Mary Lou cooking your favorite breakfast but instead you were met with the sight of Matt’s back as he faced the stove.

“So what, you’re just ghosting me now?” You somewhat joked, causing him to turn around and see you standing at the island.

Matt didn’t reply as his phone buzzed, echoing off the counter where it was placed. You watched intently as he began to text back, assuming it must have been Chris or Nick since they never spend this much time apart. It became suspicious to you when you noticed how he was grinning about whatever he was reading.

“Oh so you do know how to use your phone…” You scoffed, insinuating the fact that he never responded to your messages from last night.

“Sorry, I was busy and forgot to respond.” He said, brushing you off.

As soon as the words left his mouth he was quickly tucking his phone away into his pants pocket. His lips forming a tight line as he glanced at the ceiling, twiddling his fingers now that they were set free from his phone screen. The sound of his phone buzzing still noticeable, even muffled by his pocket.

“Matt- Who is it and why are they blowing up your phone?” You pressed, his body language was setting off a million alarms in your head.

He was hiding something from you.

Matt sighed as his phone buzzed once again, he pulled it back out of his pocket and began to look over the messages he had received. Six messages to be exact.

I’m so happy you’re back in boston for a few days.

I would love to meet up again while you’re still here

We could go to that place we used to go to

What was it called?

Davis Park???

I remember we used to go there to watch the sunset by that little pond, I really miss that… Thanks again for last night, I had so much fun :)

You couldn’t help but read over his shoulder, your heart sank as you realized what had him so giddy. He was texting the girl that he used to have a thing with before you guys moved to LA. He had decided it would be best to not continue anything serious with her so as far as you knew he had cut ties with her. A familiar stinging sensation began in your eyes as tears started to form. You had no reason to be jealous, Matt was just your friend.

Nervously, you coughed trying to clear your throat, trying your best to think of anything else besides Matt with someone else. Next thing you knew you were sniffling, still fighting back the urge to cry.

“Are you crying?” Matt asked, sounding genuinely concerned as he watched you head back towards the stairs, trying to quickly remove yourself from the confines of the kitchen.

You stopped in your tracks at his voice, feeling your body tremble. You weren’t sure if it was from anger, nerves, or the overwhelming feeling of your heart being crushed.

“Y/n?”

The tears started to fall as your head spun thinking about how you had been ghosted immediately as he reunited with somebody else.

You turned around to face him, wanting to yell and scream and possibly cuss him out for the way he had treated you. A scowl was plastered on your face as you heaved in some air, trying to maintain some of your composure.

“You can’t seriously be upset about this?”

You felt your eyes roll bigger than they ever had before, was he hearing himself right now?

“Matt, you literally ghosted me. You could’ve died for all I know!” You said, raising your voice but trying hard not to yell since this wasn’t your house.

“I was busy.” He restated, as if that was any excuse to completely ignore someone he called his ‘best friend’.

“So I heard,” You scoffed, more tears leaving your eyes and staining your cheeks. How humiliating, letting him see you in this vulnerable of a state when he clearly doesn’t give a damn about you.

“You know Matt, if you weren’t so fucking stubborn maybe you would realize that there’s a girl who’s madly in love with you who doesn’t live halfway across the country!” You spit, realizing what you had said immediately after saying it. A hand flew over your mouth as your eyes widened in shock, “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t meant that.” You practically whispered.

Matt had closed the distance off between the two of you, now standing directly in front of you. “You what?” He asked back softly, searching your eyes for any hint that might confirm that you were telling him the truth.

Your body stayed frozen, unable to speak. “You’re in love with me?” He asked another question, breaking the suffocating tension that filled the air.

“Is that what I said?” You tried to joke, playing off your slip up.

“Yeah, that’s definitely what you said.”

His hands were now delicately taking ahold of your own, trying to ease your nerves and catch your full attention.

“I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just- you’re my best friend and all…” You rambled.

“That’s a shame, because the only reason I was out last night was because I was trying to avoid the fact that i’m madly in love with you.”

You felt your heartbeat speed up at his words, your cheeks heating up in return, “Really?”

“Really.” He replied. His eyes bore into your own, a slight gleam inside of them displaying his admiration for you.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispered, bringing a hand up to brush some hair behind your ear before resting it on the side of your face. “Please do.” You answered, anticipating his next move that you had been waiting an antagonizing amount of time for.

His lips met yours in a slow but passionate manner, taking in every detail of your lips with his own. You melted at the touch, instantly forgetting any of your jealousy. If you would have known how addicting his lips would feel on yours you would’ve confessed a lot sooner. When you finally pulled apart he rested his forehead on yours, breathless.

You could definitely get used to this.

[querenciasturniolo]

your fic “obviously” is my literal favorite!!! could you do one that would be surrounding the idea of the triplets and y/n decide to do a corn maze and y/n partners up with nick but nick runs off and leaves y/n behind and when chris & matt get out they see nick and matt starts to worry about y/n so he goes back in to find her?? add your own little spin on it if you’d like but it would just be so cute to see how much he really cares for her through the worry he has🥹

maze ⮕ m.s.

word count: 1.2k

warnings: swearing, worry, anxiety

summary: you and nick decided to go through a corn maze, and when nick leaves you behind after a particularly heart-stopping jump scare, matt goes in to find you

a/n: i changed it just a little bit 🤏🏻 hope you enjoy 💓

everything written is completely fictional. the people i write for are written with characteristics and mannerisms that i made for them, this is in no way depicting what would actually happen in real life.

Boston was perfect for the fall.

The brownish red leaves crunching under your feet, the brisk air pinkening your cheeks and the tip of your nose, and especially the fall festivities. You and Nick went absolutely ballistic for anything fall related, which is why the two of you got along so well. Matt and Chris loved fall as well, but not to the extent of you and Nick.

It was your idea to go to a scream park, the three boys hesitant but they agreed anyway. The four of you had been walking around the park, laughing and flinching at every one of the scare actors.

“You guys, we have to do the corn maze.” You said, Nick’s eyes widening as he shook his head. “Oh, come on! You won’t even do it once? Just for the experience?” You pressed, Nick sighing and running a hand through his hair.

“I guess, you two down?” He asked.

Chris scoffed and shook his head. “Yeah, right. Not a chance.” You looked over at Matt, who was already shaking his head.

“We’ll wait here for you two to get out, but that’s about as far into a maze I’m going.” Matt said, holding his hands up in defense.

You sighed and shrugged your shoulders, looping your arm in Nick’s and walking towards the maze. “I have a feeling it isn’t going to be that bad.” You said. Nick looked over at you with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah, okay.” He grumbled, his grip on your arm tight.

The maze was decorated with crime scene tape, signs saying different things covered in fake blood, and scarecrows around every corner. Nick was convinced the scarecrows were going to jump out in front of the two of you, but it had yet to happen.

“Nick, you’re being dramatic, just chill. Besides, if you’re not scared, the scarers leave you alone.” You said, Nick scoffing. He opened his mouth to speak, but a scream ripped through his throat as someone jumped out of the corn and ran past the two of you.

Nick’s arm was ripped from yours and all you saw was him sprinting into the darkness ahead of you, completely leaving you behind in the middle of nowhere.

“Well, fuck.” You whispered, slowly walking through the maze by yourself, flinching at every swish of the corn and every flutter of nearby birds. It somehow seemed darker now that you were alone, your nerves heightened as you turned different corners.

Matt and Chris were sitting on a bench right outside of the maze, scrolling on their phones and occasionally showing each other what was on their screens. Nick burst through the exit of the maze moments later, his breathing heavy and his eyes wide.

“How was the maze?” Chris asked, locking his phone and sliding it into his pocket. Nick shook his head. He bent at the waist and rested his hands on his knees.

“It was fucking terrible, never let me do that shit again. That was a bad idea.” He said, his breathing finally level enough to stand up straight. Matt and Chris shook their heads and laughed, talking to Nick for just a few minutes before Matt stopped and looked behind Nick. A few couples had walked out of the maze exit, but you were nowhere in sight.

“Nick?” Matt said, Nick’s attention turned to him. “Where’s Y/n?”

Nick turned to face the exit, his entire body rigid as he looked back at Matt with wide eyes. “I lost her about halfway through, that’s when I ran.” He said.

Matt’s jaw dropped. “You left her in the maze? Nick, what the fuck?” He asked, Nick holding his hands up in defense.

“I didn’t think she’d get fucking lost!” Nick said. Matt scoffed and shook his head.

“I’ll go find her, Jesus.” Matt grumbled, walking into the exit of the maze. Matt was never a fan of mazes, especially when it was too dark. He turned his phone flashlight on, walking past the people walking in the opposite direction as he searched for you.

Once he got a good distance away from the exit, there were less and less people. He grumbled under his breath, just wanting to find you and get the fuck out of here. He tried calling you, but it went straight to voicemail. Jesus Christ, he hoped you didn’t try to cut through the corn or something, because then you could have been anywhere.

Okay, shit was starting to get scary.

You couldn’t see anything, and your phone died about ten minutes ago. You’d lost sight of anyone a few minutes before, and you were freaking out. You kept one hand out, brushing against the rough stalks of corn to make sure you were going the right direction. Your other hand was shaking in your hoodie pocket, gripping your phone like a vice to keep you grounded. If it wasn’t for you, you wouldn’t have been in this situation to begin with, and you’d probably be eating elephant ears by the fire pit and joking around with your friends. But no, you had to be an idiot and get lost in a corn maze.

You turned a corner, a light blinding you as your stomach dropped and you screamed, nearly flying into the corn next to you.

“It’s me, it’s me!” The voice said, your heart pounding as your eyes finally adjusted.

“Matt? Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!” You said, your hand resting on your chest as you caught your breath.

“How the fuck did you get lost? There’s one path.” Matt said, turning around and heading the opposite direction.

You rolled your eyes and fell in line with him, flinching when the corn rustled next to you and bumping into him. “I slowed down when Nick left me for dead so I wouldn’t trip and faceplant.” You said, Matt scoffing as he held his phone out in front of the two of you.

Before he could say anything, another scare actor jumped out of the corn right in front of you, your arm looping with Matt’s as you hid your face in his shoulder. You wouldn’t have flinched so hard if your nerves weren’t already so high. Matt flinched of course, but he just kept the two of you walking, letting you hold onto his arm and press your face into his shoulder.

“We’re almost there, I promise.” He said, you nodding against his hoodie sleeve and mumbling a response. Matt chuckled and shook his head, leading you through the maze and finally out of the exit. “We’re out.” He said, your head lifting from his shoulder to see Chris and Nick, Nick’s face contorted in a sheepish smile.

“Sorry.” He said, you smiling and shaking your head.

“It’s fine, scaredy cat.” You looked over at Chris, his eyebrows raised. You stared back at him. “What?”

Chris shook his head, an amused smile on his face. “Oh nothing, but you do realize you can let go of Matt now, right?” He said. Before you could let go, Matt’s hand entwined with yours.

“She can hold on to me for as long as she likes, considering I’m the only one that went after her in the maze.” He said matter of factly. You ignored the way your face heated up, lightly squeezing his hand in thanks.

Chris scoffed, his jaw dropped. “Dude, you went before I could even process that Nick fucking left her in there!” He countered, a laugh leaving your lips as the four of you started walking to one of the food stands.

“Excuses, excuses.” Matt said, looking down at you and winking as the four of you stepped into the line, your hand still encased in Matt’s, warmth radiating through your entire body.

[justmystyles]

Now You're In My Life - Part 6

catch up here

pairing: Harry Styles x plus size reader

word count: 4k

summary: a chance meeting at a diner turns your world upside-down.

warnings: some curse words, but other than that it's tame.

a/n: i feel like this part was way better in my head, so sorry in advance if you hate it.

*i say it's a plus size reader, while i don't focus a lot on that aspect (because your size should not define you), it will come up, so i just wanted to be upfront about it.

tags: @allthelovehes @ameerakane20 @ash-craze @bethanysnow @blue-ballad @brightlightsinlife @cute-as-ducks420 @gem1712 @golden-hoax @groovychaosavenue @hillzrry @iceebabies @indierockgirrl @jerseygirlinca @jooniesbabie @kaverichauhan @n0vaj3an @stylesfeverr @superchrystaldrug @tenaciousperfectionunknown @thechaoticjoy @theekyliepage @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @youknowwhaaat

After Harry left you sat in your room and cried, you were barely able to get yourself packed and ready to make it to the station in time for your train home. You had forced yourself into the shower, but skipped putting on any makeup, it was just going to run anyway. About twenty minutes into the trip home, you had mercifully fallen asleep and stayed that way until you arrived back in Boston. You had promised Harry that you’d let him know when you got home, so you shot him a quick text, and the reply was almost instant. As if he were staring at his phone, waiting to hear from you. 

Good. Go get some rest my beautiful punk rock princess. Some awful boy kept you up way too late last night. ;)

You were grateful that you had opted for an early train. It gave you a chance to get home and try to resume your normal schedule, and some extra time to purge your emotions so that you could start fresh the next day. Back to work, back to reality. 

The next afternoon, you were in your office, finally caught up on the previous day’s work when one of your coworkers dropped an elaborate floral arrangement at your desk. You didn’t have to open the note to know where it came from. You suppose this is the bookend to your time together. He sent you flowers when you met, and he’s sending you flowers to say goodbye. As curious as you are to read the note, you decide to wait until you get home not wanting to cause a scene in your office. 

When you got home you went straight to the kitchen, placing the flowers down on the counter and pulling out the card. You take a deep breath and remove it from the envelope. 

I tried to think of something funny and charming to say, but truthfully I just missed you and wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

-H

You read the note over and over, until the tears that filled your eyes blurred your vision. He missed you? He was thinking about you? You were more confused than ever. Sure, Harry had told you that you weren’t getting rid of him just because he was on tour. You just assumed he was saying that to get you to stop crying, that the messages and calls would dwindle over time. This seemed like more, that maybe all of the promises of calls and visits were real. 

Maybe he did feel something for you. 

You were interrupted by the ring of your phone, you pulled it from your pocket and saw Harry’s name on the screen. He was FaceTiming you. You took a deep breath and set it to the back camera which would allow you a moment to collect yourself. 

You watched as his beautiful face filled your screen, his smile quickly dropped to a frustrated frown. “Damnit, they still didn’t get it right.” You chuckle tearfully. “I’m just going to have to keep sending you flowers until we find some that are as beautiful as you.” 

“Harry…” you playfully chided. 

“Alright princess, let’s see you. The flowers are lovely, but I called for you.” 

You flip the camera and you notice his face fall slightly. “Darling, have you been crying?” 

“Maybe a little,” you reply coyly. “It was just a long day. It’s amazing how far behind I can fall after just one day off. Plus I’m still pretty tired from the trip.” 

“I’m sorry, do you want me to let you go so you can relax?” 

“No no, I’m glad you called. What are you up to?” You change the subject, not wanting him to press. 

“Well, we just landed in Wisconsin.” He attempts a midwestern accent, causing a bark of laughter to fall out of you unexpectedly. 

“That was terrible. Thank god you can sing, because you’re not an impressions guy.” 

“Heeeeyyyy!” He replied defensively. 

You and Harry talked for well over an hour, there were a few times where you considered asking him for clarification on your relationship, but talking to him felt so good, so right that you didn’t want to risk it. 

That was how most of your conversations with Harry went while he was away. There were many times where you thought it would just be easier to ask, but you kept reminding yourself about your weekend in New York. The last time you were upset, he had been up all night worrying about you. You decided that it wasn’t something you wanted to bother him with while he was on tour. In a few weeks he’d have some time off. You would talk to him then, when it couldn’t impact his work. 

One of the things Harry had brought up to you was how you had apparently become a viral sensation amongst his fanbase for your Harryween costume. Pictures and videos of you were all over social media. And when the photos of you and Harry in Central Park started circulating on the gossip blogs, it wasn’t long before the fans put two and two together. All of the sudden, you were Harry’s new mystery girl. 

Harry apologized profusely for the attention that had suddenly been thrown your way. You didn’t mind though, your friends and family weren’t really the celebrity gossip type. However, a few of your friends did see the pictures, you got some teasing texts, but nothing you hadn’t gotten before. Besides, it wasn’t as though strangers were recognizing you in the street, so life continued to go on as normal. The only change was setting your social media profiles to private, which you were especially grateful for once Harry started following you. 

A few days before the end of Harry’s tour, the two of you were on one of your marathon FaceTime calls, and Harry asked you something you weren’t expecting. 

“You said you still have some vacation days left, right?”

“Yeah, I didn’t really use any, so I was just going to do short weeks for the rest of the year.” You shrug. “It’s use it or lose it.” 

“So why don’t you use some of it next week and hang out with me?” You arched a brow, urging him to continue. “My last show is on Saturday, then I have to be in New York for a few meetings, but after that I thought I could come visit you before I go home for the holidays.”

“You… want to come… here?” 

“Is that alright?” He asked tentatively. “I just… I mean, you came to spend time with me on tour, you got to be part of my life, I wanted to maybe be part of yours for a bit.” 

Your breath caught in your throat, and you felt the tears begin to pool in your eyes. He wanted to spend time with you. In your world. You simply nodded your head, unable to speak. 

“Yeah? Wonderful!” He grinned. “I’m going to find the closest hotel so I don’t waste any–”

“You uh…” you interrupted him. “You could stay with me. I mean if you wanted to.” 

His smile widened, and you noticed a twinkle in his eye. “I was hoping you’d say that.” You blushed, making him laugh. “Are you sure you don’t have plans? I don’t want to be any trouble.”

“No, I have a family dinner next Saturday, but other than that I’m free.” 

“Family dinner, huh? What’s the occasion?”

You bit your lip before answering. “It’s um… it’s a birthday dinner.” You say shyly.

Harry’s eyes narrow at you. “Who’s birthday, princess?” Your face had already given him the answer, but he needed to hear you say it. 

Your eyes flit to the floor, you look up at the camera through your lashes. “Uhh… mine?” 

“Y/N Y/L/N!” Harry scolded. “Your birthday is in a week and you didn’t bother to tell me?!” 

“You never asked,” you shrug. 

He shook his head with a chuckle, you had a point. “Well then I am definitely coming, and I am going to spoil you rotten.” 

“Harry you don’t have–”

“The hell I don’t,” he said firmly. “When’s your actual birthday, sweetheart?” 

“Friday,” you tell him. You aren’t a big fan of being the center of attention, so you never really made a big deal about your birthdays. A quiet dinner with your parents and your sister was all you needed. 

“Perfect, I can fly on Thursday night, then I’ll be with you for your whole birthday. And I’d like to join you at your dinner, if you wouldn’t mind having me there.” 

He wanted to meet your parents? Nothing about the last month has made any sense, but you were bound to clear things up when Harry came to visit. “I’d like that,” you smile at him. “Oh, you should probably fly into Manchester instead of Boston though.” You notice Harry’s expression change, and you pause, knowing he wants to say something. “What?” 

“Why would I go all the way to Manchester? I told you I was going to visit you before going home.” 

You sigh and roll your eyes. “New Hampshire, you weirdo.” 

Harry holds up his free hand defensively. “It’s not my fault your precious colonizers couldn’t come up with their own names, so they just reused the ones they were so desperate to get away from.”

“Are you seriously doing this right now? You’re getting snippy about history shit?” He smirks at your annoyed response. “Yeah, keep smiling. When you get here I’m going to throw you in the harbor so you can go find your damn tea.” He throws his head back in laughter at your response, you can’t help but laugh too. Joking with each other like this came so naturally to you. 

“As I was saying,” you pretend to scold him. “It’s the same distance, shorter if you consider traffic, and it’s way less crowded so you could probably get through without being too noticed.” You watch as a dreamy smile spreads across his face. “What now?” You say, expecting another snarky response. 

“Nothing,” he sighed. “You’re such a sweetheart, thinking of me like that.” 

You felt your heartbeat speed up at his sincerity. “It was mostly for me,” you shrugged, trying to play it cool. “I hate Boston traffic.”

In the days leading up to Harry’s visit, you spent every free moment cleaning and arranging and rearranging furniture. To say you were nervous was an understatement. Sure, you were happy to see him again. You couldn’t wait to see him again. But this visit was going to be make or break. You were determined to get to the bottom of your relationship, it was a conversation the two of you needed to have while he was here. But you were going to wait until after your birthday, just because you didn’t want the day to be a big deal didn’t mean you wanted to spend it heartbroken. 

You had told your parents that you were bringing a guest to dinner. You didn’t say much else, but based on their reaction, you were sure they assumed you were bringing home a guy. You usually kept your relationships to yourself, only ever bringing one other guy home, so to them this was a big deal.

It was ten thirty on Thursday night, you were standing by your car in the arrivals lot waiting for Harry. He had been doing some work in the studio that day, so he decided to take a later flight. As your eyes stayed trained on the door, you pulled your coat tighter around you, trying to stay warm. Before long, you saw Harry emerge from the airport, and your heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. He was here, in front of you, not just on a screen. 

You watched his eyes dart around the parking area, his face deep in concentration as he looked for you, rolling his suitcase behind him, a duffle bag hanging off his shoulder. You could tell the moment he found you, because the crease in his brow disappeared, his smile widened and his pace began to pick up. When he finally reached you, he dropped his bags and wrapped his arms around you, lifting you off the ground and crashing his lips against yours.   

He placed you back down, pulling you into another kiss before holding you close and burying his face in the crook of your neck. “Fuck, I missed you so much princess.” His voice was muffled against your skin as he continued to place kisses along your neck. 

You let out a content sigh as your fingers played with the curls at the nape of his neck. “I missed you too.” 

After standing in each other’s arms for a few moments, relishing in the feeling of having each other so close again, Harry finally pulled away and put his bags in the back of your car. He moved to the passenger's side and opened the door. You stood there, watching him stand in front of the door, making no moves to actually enter the car. 

“You getting in?” You asked curiously. 

“I will, I was just opening your door for you.” He replied. 

“We’re still in America, babe. Driver sits over there.” You use your thumb to point to the other side of the car.

His dimples appeared as he shook his head. “I’m driving.” 

“Excuse me?”

“I want to play a game on the way home, you won’t be able to play and keep your eyes on the road, so I’m going to drive.” 

You didn’t miss the fact that he said ‘home’, he didn’t refer to it as your house, he called it home. But you were also suspicious of this game. “I’m not giving you road head.” Your gaze narrowed. 

You noticed his eyes darken briefly before he corrected his expression and laughed. “No no, nothing like that. Completely innocent, I promise.” 

You eye him suspiciously as you approach the car. As you slide into the passenger's seat, you hand him the keys. “Just remember, we drive on the right here.” 

He rolls his eyes, closing your door and moving to the driver’s side. Once he was settled in, he started the car, and began to explain the game. 

“So, even after all of this time talking and sharing intimate details of our lives, you’ve still been very evasive about all that guilty pleasure music you’re hiding.” He smirks when you blush and sink a little further into your seat. “And I’ve also noticed you have an almost compulsive need to explain yourself and your opinions on things. Which you never have to do with me, by the way.” He paused, giving you a moment to process and truly understand his statement. “I figured we could use those two things to play a game, and get you to let me in just the tiniest bit more.” 

You furrow your brow. “I don’t get it?”

“It’s quite simple my dear, I will give you an emotion, or a scenario of some sort, and you play the song that goes with it. This way, you’re explaining why you like the song, instead of just being embarrassed that you do.” 

You smile to yourself, he was so desperate to get to know you that he made up a whole game just to help you open up. God, you were glad he was here. “Okay, I can do that.” 

“Yeah?” You nod in agreement. “Excellent! But you have to be completely honest, the first song that comes to mind no matter how embarrassing you think it might be.” 

“Deal.” 

He smiles widely and pulls you in to seal the deal with a kiss. “Alright then, buckle up buttercup. We’re off.” 

As Harry rattled off different topics, you could tell that he had prepared thoroughly for this. Each would have a series of follow up questions that he would ask as the song played, and occasionally he would sing a bit of it for her, his hand firmly planted on her thigh for the entirety of the ride. 

Harry would occasionally glance over to you as you were listening to a song. Of course he was admiring your beauty, but more than that, he noticed you had a musicality about you that he hadn’t seen much of outside of work. You would move your hands, almost as if you were conducting the music, honing in on obscure background melodies, and play them out with your fingers. 

You had been at a redlight, but when it turned green, Harry didn’t move. You looked over to see him watching you completely mesmerized. When he realized he had been caught, he blushed before turning his attention back to the road. “What?” You ask with a chuckle. 

“Aside from the fact that you are stunning and I never want to stop looking at you?” He smirked and shot a quick glance your way just in time to catch your blush. “Aside from that, I just noticed how you listen to music. It’s almost analytical, like you’re picking out each part, like even the smaller parts that people barely notice.”

“Yeah, I’ve kind of always been like that,” you shrug. “Obviously in college it kind of got worse, but–”

“Obviously in college?” Harry questioned.

You slap your hand over your mouth, you were so comfortable with Harry that things were just rolling off your tongue without realizing it. “Yeah… I um, my major was audio production. So I did a lot of recording and mixing and stuff.” 

You felt Harry’s grip tighten on your thigh. “Princess, I’ve known you for over a month, how have you not told me this?”  

“It’s not a big deal, it’s not like I’m using it or anything. I didn’t want you to think I was hanging out with you with ulterior motives.” 

Harry pulled the car into a nearby parking lot so that he could focus all of his attention on you. “Do you really believe that I would think that you were spending all this time with me, that all of this was just because you were trying to make a connection in the music industry?”

You shrug, looking down at the floor. You weren’t sure if you were more embarrassed about keeping it from him, or for your reason for keeping it from him. 

He took your chin in his thumb and forefinger, forcing you to look at him. “Hey, listen to me,” his tone was commanding yet tender, and he had a look of adoration in his eyes. “I’ve told you before, I want to know everything about you. Whether you believe it or not, I know your heart, and I know that you would never ask anything like that of me. Okay?” You nod your head in affirmation. “I want to hear you say it, princess.” 

“Okay,”  you whisper. He smiles, pulling your lips to his. 

He turns back to the wheel and continues the journey to your house. 

“So this is my princess’s palace?” Harry says as he pulls into the driveway. When he sees you reach for the door handle, he places a hand on your shoulder. “Uh-uh, don’t you dare open that door,” he chided. 

“Awfully aggressive for a gentleman.” You joked. 

He leaned in, his voice low and gravely in your ear. “You haven’t seen anything yet, princess.” A chill shot down your spine at his words. 

After he opened your door and collected his bags, the two of you went into the house and you gave him a quick tour of your house. It was a small three bedroom cape, with the master bedroom on the first floor. Since you lived on your own, you had turned the two upstairs rooms into a makeshift gym, and a combination home office/nail salon. 

By the time you had gotten home and given Harry the full tour, it was nearly midnight and you were both pretty tired. You took your pajamas into the bathroom so you could change and do your night routine, leaving Harry to change in the bedroom. 

When you returned to your room, you tapped on the door to make sure Harry was decent. He called for you to enter, when you did, you saw Harry sitting up in your bed. His eyes went wide as they traveled up and down your body, you were wearing an oversized t-shirt that was so long it completely covered the shorts you have on.

Harry gulped audibly before opening his mouth. “Princess, you… uh, you forgot the bottoms.” 

You were typically pretty self conscious about your body, but the way Harry was looking at you, practically devouring you with his eyes, it gave you a boost of confidence like you’d never had before. 

“Nope, I’ve got my shorts.” You lifted the shirt to your waist. 

Harry tucked his bottom lip between his teeth, folding down the sheets on your side of the bed, and patting the mattress. As you moved closer to the bed, you swayed your hips a little more than you usually would, you watched as Harry kept his eyes locked on you. 

As soon as you pulled the covers over yourself, Harry’s arms were around you, pulling you towards him. His lips traveled from your neck, up and across your jaw. Just before he could pull you in for a kiss, your phone rang. 

“Ugh… sorry,” you groaned as you reached for your phone. “It’s my sister.” 

As you swiped your finger across the screen, Harry noticed the time and leaned in close. “Happy birthday, princess.” He whispered before taking your earlobe between his teeth and tugging gently, causing you to giggle softly. 

“Hello?” Your sister’s voice rang out from the other end of the phone. 

You and Harry looked at eachother, trying not to laugh. You held your index finger up to his mouth to silence him. Instead of taking you seriously, he runs his tongue along your finger before pulling it into his mouth. You pull it out quickly and shoot him a warning glance. 

“Hi, sorry. I’m here. Hi.” You finally respond to your sister as you try to break out of Harry’s grasp. 

“I wanted to be the first one to say happy birthday, but apparently I didn’t make it in time.” 

“Better luck next year,” Harry joked. You slapped him playfully on the chest. 

“Who are you with?” 

“Don’t worry about it,” you assure her. 

“Oh wait, is this the guy mom and dad keep talking about? The one you’re bringing to dinner.” 

Your cheeks turn bright red at your sister’s words. Harry chuckles and pinches your cheeks. 

“Okay, so thanks for calling. I’ll see you Saturday.” You speak into the phone. 

“See you Saturday,” she says. “Sorry about the cock block.” 

Harry bursts out laughing, while you hang up the phone and drop it back down on the nightstand. You slide deeper into the bed, pulling the blankets over your head. 

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” Harry chuckles as he follows you under the blankets. “Your sister seems nice.” He says as he starts kissing your neck, adding some gentle bites as he goes. 

“Yeah, she’s a real…” you interrupt yourself with a yawn. “Sorry.” 

Harry pulls back, leaning on his arm so he’s facing you. “Tired?” 

“A little, I’m fine though.” You assure him as you lift your hand, placing it on his cheek. 

He tilts his head, kissing your palm, “It’s alright, get some sleep. I’m not going anywhere, we can continue this later.” He leaned down until his lips were a breath away from yours. “Happy birthday, beautiful.” He kissed you softly before laying back on the bed. His arm wrapped around you, pulling you close.

“This is nice,” you sigh against his chest.

His arms tighten around you, and he places a kiss on the top of your head. “It’s really nice.” 

Before you know it, you drift off into one of the most comfortable nights of sleep you’ve ever had. 

[strawberrysturniolo]

never grow up part nine

summary: after the same back and forth for six months, sunny finally decides its enough, until she's given the same hopeful moment again

part eight

Chris and I will never see a day where we aren’t best friends. No matter what our relationship or our friendship levels out as, I know he would take a bullet for me, and I can’t imagine a world where I don’t look for him first in a crowded room. 

Of all the people I meet in my life, it all goes back to him. Every friend I make, every boy I meet, every person I try to love, they will never be him. It’s not even comparable. It will never be a fair battle. It will always be him. 

The last six months have been eventful to say the least. 

I turned 22. I celebrated in Boston. Chris wasn’t there. Said something about wanting to come and making an effort to fly back out. Last minute he said he couldn’t because he had to work. I said whatever, got mad for a bit, then got over it and got drunk with my friends. 

I drunk called him, weeping some bullshit about how my birthday is never the same when he isn’t with me. Cried over how badly I wished he would move back home. He may have cried a little too, but I was too drunk to notice anything other than the pain in my chest from him being gone and the nausea coursing through my body as I held back every gag.

He apologized profusely, promising that he would make it up to me. The same broken promise I’ve lived with for three years now. 

I shouted at him and told him to stop lying to me. He insisted that he was being honest. He promised that things would be different. They never were. 

I slept with someone else. Had a short fling with someone that I thought could pull me out of the rut I was in, only to realize it was making me feel worse. Every time we fucked I imagined it was Chris. I then felt like shit because I knew it wasn’t fair to either of them, nor was it fair to me. I couldn’t move on. I was stuck on someone who couldn’t make up his mind. 

Chris kept promising that we would end up together. Maybe he was right. I was getting too dizzy and exhausted going around in that whirlwind to even let myself be optimistic about our future. 

I can’t keep waiting. I know he’s what I want, but I can’t put my life on hold for someone who isn’t sure of me. 

So, I called it quits. Told him straight up, I can’t do it anymore. No more back and forth. We go back to being friends and only friends. I cut the ties that he had knotted between us, forcing us to stay attached no matter how hard we pulled. I always fell to my feet and he dragged me through the fucking dirt and I got up, dusted my pants, and let him do it over again. I took the sharpest scissors I could find and cut it in half, sawed at it until my hands bled, and watched him walk away and leave me behind, because finally, I wasn’t attached anymore. 

I’ve managed to be okay with calling him my best friend with no underlying meaning. I’ve buried that higher level of us so low in myself that I can look at him across the country and feel nothing but friendship. I like it that way. 

I’m graduating today. 

Four years of college, stress, and long nights are over.

I let my mom curl my hair, let her pamper me and make me feel like a kid again before it all flies out the window. She puts gentle braids in my hair and curls the strands that fall down my back. She tells me to pucker my lips, and she swipes lipstick over them, making me feel like a little girl playing in her moms makeup again. 

“How excited are you for today?” she asked me with a smile.

I smack my lips together, coating the lipstick over every inch. “More nervous than anything. It’s awkward. I just want to get it over with.”

She frowns at me. “You’ll remember this day forever, I know it,” she promises, and I let her think she’s right. 

My mom and dad drove me to my school for graduation. I had one other ticket available, which I extended to Mary Lou, hoping she would make it. I grew up with her like a second mom to me, or maybe an aunt considering how close she is to my mother. Either way, she’s family. Always will be no matter how stupid her son can be at times. 

When I sat in a folded chair in the middle of an auditorium and waited for us to line up, I turned around and found an empty seat next to my parents. 

I for sure thought she would be here. She never missed an event for me. She was there for every sporting event, every birthday party growing up, everything. She wouldn’t leave me hanging like that. 

It was empty when I crossed that stage, and it was empty when I sat back down. 

I don’t know why it hurt so bad. Maybe she had something come up. Maybe she got stuck in traffic. 

All I knew is that I wanted at least one Sturniolo there. And I kept getting let down. 

The long day had finally come to an end, and I searched for my parents in the cattle of students and families trying to find each other after the ceremony. 

“At least one of us graduated.”

My feet halted. I froze, not even able to bring myself to turn around and search for the voice that I knew all too well.

“Do you think you could copy that paper?” he asked next. I turned around, and the first thing he did was take the book from my hands. He opened it up and inspected my diploma inside. “My mom would love to have this on her fridge. Oh! By the way. She couldn’t make it, so she sent me instead.”

I swallowed, suddenly nervous, like he wasn’t real.

He grinned at me, the same cheesy, childish, and adorable grin I’ve watched remain the same while the rest of his face aged as we grew older. 

“Give me a hug, Sunny,” he sighed. “I just flew the whole day away to be here. Think you can crack my back too? It’s killing me.”

My first instinct was to punch his shoulder, playfully of course. He let out a fake wince before grabbing my arm and pulling me into him.

My head nuzzled into his neck out of instinct. That spot was made for me.

“What are you doing here?” I managed to get out.

He laughed. “What a dumb question. I’m here for you, you goof. You thought I’d miss this?”

I pulled back, looking at him closely, like he was something from a dream. He straightened the cap on my head like he found all of this entertaining. “You weren’t here during the ceremony. I looked for your mom, and the seat was empty.”

“I got here on time. I promise,” he assured me. “I waited up top so you wouldn’t see me until now, but trust me, I got here and saw everything. I have pictures and videos to prove it.”

He pulled his phone out and swiped through his camera roll, which were screenshots of me walking across the stage while the rest of his family watched through FaceTime, cheering me on from home. 

My eyes welled up, unsure of my emotions at the moment. All I knew was I was feeling something, and crying seemed like the only logical answer.

He held my chin and pulled me to look at him, wiping my tears once my gaze settled on him. 

“I came, Sunshine,” he nodded. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. You’re my number one girl, always.”

My lip trembled at his promise, seeing that he kept it. He shook his head at me, silently telling me to stop it, that him being here wasn’t supposed to make me upset. He wrapped an arm around me and led me to my parents instead, letting me stand awkwardly in photos with the three of them as they gushed and let out their excitement for me.

We all went to lunch after, nothing fancy, but we were together, and that was enough. 

Chris came back to my apartment with me, which was now boxed up as our lease was coming to an end. I managed to find somewhere for us to sit comfortably in the clutter and eat our leftovers for dinner in my home. 

We talked about the last six months – our lives, things we’ve done, what we missed out on.  

“Did I surprise you?” he smiled. 

I nodded. “Yeah, especially since I haven’t heard from you in a week.”

He sighed. “I’m trying, I really am.”

I shrugged, tired of this already. “Can we just drop it?”

“No, we can’t,” he insisted. He grabbed my thighs and turned me towards him, and I hate the way my body sparked when his hands were on me again. “I love you, no matter what, you know this. Stop making me feel like you don’t love me anymore.”

I don’t respond.

“Do you still love me?” he asked, now worried. His face softened enough to prove that. 

“You know I do,” I mumbled. “Stop making me say it. It upsets me. It hurts, actually.”

“Well it hurts me that you don’t want to say it to me, because I would do anything to make you know I love you.”

Something in me snaps, because his answer isn��t fully true, and we both know that. 

“Then maybe that’s all we know how to do,” I throw at him. “We hurt each other but promise to be with each other somehow for the rest of our lives. And you know what, Chris? I know for a fact I’ll be at your wedding, but the idea of being there in any other dress other than the white one I’ve had picked out since I was twelve keeps me up at night. And the idea of walking down the aisle and not being the one makes you cry makes me fucking vomit. So please, for me, make up your fucking mind. Stop playing these games with me.”

He kisses me after that, and I want to push him off, but my body has a natural reaction to him.

My hands find his cheeks and I pull him closer. My fingers eventually thread through his hair and pull on him until my back is pressed to the tile of the kitchen floor and his hands are on my waist, but we know it can’t go further because there’s nothing sexy about us fucking on my floor with boxes surrounding us. 

He pulls back, catches his breath, and says, “No more games.”

I believe him, and I regret how quickly I do. “No more?”

“No more,” he repeats. “You and me. That’s all that matters.” 

tag list: @ev3rgreenxtrees @thottie777 @plasticferal @angelworldspost @alluringsturniolo @sturniolho @sturniolopowers @sleepysturnss @sturniolovoid @sturnslcver @gamermattsgf @freshluv @flowerxbunnie @luverboychris @luvsturniolo @lacysturniolo @luvmila444 @luv4kozume @christinarowie332 @bernardenjoyer @bellybumm @nicksbf @n6ptunova @mbbsgf @mattsneezing @mangoposts @mattitties

[rise-my-angel]

Perilous Companions

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Length: 24.7k

Warnings: Depictions of violence, mention of suicide, non graphic torture, hostage situations, heavy angst, angst/hurt comfort, trama related flashbacks, smut, oral (m and f receiving), p in v, canon divergence

Notes: This ones a big boy with some big things happening. Not everything will make sense yet as its part of a bigger unfolding narrative, and certain moments are intentionally skipped over for the same reason. Knowledge of the 2nd game not needed as its not canon. A lot of nerves went into making and posting this one, so I hope it doesn't disappoint you. Sequel to Melancholy Interlude, part of the Confused Warmth series.

It was a cruel joke that you were this ill. If you had to trace it back, you think you may have been bitten by a mosquito at some point. Of all the things you could catch, you were falling apart from something as small as a bug bite. You were always scared of being bitten by any sort of insect as a kid after your neighbour had come home from school talking about how you could get sick and die from one bite.

Your only saving grace being that a cordyceps infection didn’t incubate for this long, and as far as you were aware, didn’t result in how bloodshot and feverish you were nor did it result in vomiting a liquid disgustingly close to black. You had guessed for a while that in the old world the man in front of you had either was a scientist or worked somewhere in that field. 

Whatever research your current companion had done though clearly didn’t encompass all illnesses, but at least you finally were sick long enough he wasn’t constantly terrified you’d turn. Neither you or the rambling man pacing above you had any clue what to do about it, but he somehow seemed more worried then you. Looking at the map in his hands as he ran his mouth non stop. 

You had insisted you were fine until about ten minutes ago when you felt dizzy and would have completely collapsed onto the ground if Seth wasn’t there to fail to catch you in time, at least before you hit your head. Travelling with someone wasn’t what you wanted, you had been alone for months but you felt awful when a bumbling, older, tearful man came across you asking for help getting to his wife near Salem. Only to have him confess when you got sick that he was just lonely and wanted company. 

Now you were just too exhausted to get angry. Letting him travel with you as he desperately tried to make you like him despite your very purposeful choice to stay away from any people. Briefly you had wondered if he was a plant, tricking you to walk you into a trap right back to the place you were running from. Part of you still wondered that, but now you were too sick to do anything about it. 

“We’d have to go to every clinic just to see whose there, but that’s way too big to check.” Seth’s messy hair was flopping around with every spin in place he did, the rhythmic movement distracting your already fuzzy brain. “You said no to everything else I suggested, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” 

Your head smacking back against the tree you were currently sat up against shook your spinning vision even more. Squeezing your eyes shut you let out a shaky breathe that burned your esophagus as it flowed upwards.  There was an extremely expired pack of gum a few kilometres back when you were sifting through an old abandoned store front. The bile still coating your mouth had you hating yourself for passing that up now. 

“You sure we can’t go to Boston?” One eye blinked open, a kaleidoscope of orbs floating in your vision as Seth’s figure stood right in the suns path. He was standing with the map crinkling in his hold as he looked hopeful at you. “They have doctors, it’s an actual city they’ll have medicine won’t they? We can get you a bed and everything. We’re practically right there, you can see the walls from the top of one of those hills for god sakes.”

Your fingertips tapped against the grass beneath you as your jaw clenched. Forcing yourself up, the tree worked as a main support for your legs that trembled from the exertion. The man seemingly perked up at your slowly approaching self. He stared at you, your name coming out as a question when you got within a few feet. “Is that a-” 

Jumping back, Seth gasped as you ripped the map out of his hands. Your face flat as your eyes shifted to the side to stop yourself from glaring. “A no...I’m guessing it’s still a no.” 

Your legs wobbled as your vision spun trying to read it. Kneeling down you rested it over a bent knee as your finger followed a path you already were dabbling in planning out. “You ever been in a QZ before?” 

Looking up at him, Seth had a shifting and sheepish face akin to something like guilt. “I spent some time in one for a while, a little bit in Boston.” Your heart skipped a beat, forcing your gaze down to the destination you had in mind willing away the swirling anxiety. “That’s why we need to go though. I have friends there, they can help you- wait where are you going?” 

The beating of your heart pounded erratically. You wanted to be alone for this very reason, you had no idea what kind of friends were waiting for him, or you, in Boston of all places. There was no one you knew anywhere near such an area, so you walked away. In the opposite direction of his suggestion. 

Seth called you again, “I thought you needed to rest.” 

Pace picking up you pulled the other strap of your bag on both your shoulders properly. “I’m going west.” Pairing up with this man was foolish, heading in the complete opposite direction of where you were headed was even more foolish. 

His voice was getting more and more grating. “We just came that way, didn’t we go to Massachusetts for a reason?” 

Heading down a slight hill full of ragged dirt clumps and drop offs only bang around the blurring migraine in your head more. It wasn’t killing you yet, so you just didn’t bother stopping for it. “No, you wanted to go to Salem, I wanted to be alone.” 

Sputtering, Seth wailed his arms as he slipped and tripped over his feet down the hill with a grace that only assured you that he’s likely spent his entire life in and out of some halfway sizable apartment Fedra probably threw his way. “I was just trying to help.” 

Your mind was already made up. You’ve been trying to get out of this state for months and everything kept pulling you back in. But their unwillingness to let you go spoke a different story, the people you’ve encountered since that have tried to trick or lead back to that room you ran from. 

Seth was saying something, but you tried to tune it out until he was too loud. The sun was setting in a gold that shined off of the decay around you. Travelling the outskirts was longer, a much longer path but if you were being honest with yourself? Just because you were more scared of what other people were capable of, doesn’t mean the shrieks didn’t haunt you every time they echoed through the emptiness. 

It didn’t take long for Seth to overtake your strides. Longer legs and too much energy compared to your muscles begging to sit once more. You so desperately wanted to believe it wasn’t true, that maybe just once since that day you could meet one person who you didn’t have to leave your guard up for. But you couldn’t. 

You were the only of your kind they ever seen, and it didn’t matter who told them what. He had his sights set on you and so did everyone else. Were they hoping to pull you back because they were too stubborn to give up? Or were they truly so delusional that they just didn’t care. The arguments you spied on seemed to tell you something divided them greatly but at this point you didn’t have anything to go off of. 

You had enough scuffles with them to know they were willing to be violent to get you. You knew why they wanted you and it was a fate that terrified you. You saw the remnants of what they had before you, and now? It was a fate you knew would be worse. Their willingness to beat the air out of your lungs had you supposing that having you in one piece wasn’t required.

It was only months ago when a few men came across you as you realized that it wasn’t just a small group that were involved. Somewhere along the lines, three men in the fireflies approached you and when you refused to even hear them out? That’s when they left you with a fair few more scratches then you gifted to them. 

Bruised and covered in mud from being kicked down a steep forest hill, you could hear the small group of men on a radio, but their words overpowered in your head from noise. The only words made out from what you could hear past the ringing the fall had smashed into your head. “....I don’t care, just tell say it’s Owen...” 

More static noise blasting out as you sunk your nails into the muddy hillside pulling you upwards onto your knees at least. Biting your lip so forcefully it had cracked and drawn blood by the next morning, you held the cries of pain back as your muscles strained to drag your body behind a tree. 

Tears streaming down your cheeks, you cradled your side now dripping blood from the ripped open fabric once covering you. The other occupied with gripping your shoulder tight as each twitch of your body shot a current of pain through what might be a strain.

Finally a response over their radio rung out, your jaw tensed as you breathed deeply in and out your nose. “..can make it in a few days...yes ma’am....Gran-” Was it the distance cutting his voice off, or was it your own heavy breathing invading your senses? You didn’t know. It was hard to focus. 

You didn’t know if you wanted to go back for real answers, or if a part of you still clung to seeing the man who had his hired thugs strap you to a chair as soon as they got their hands on you. He barley even looked at you like his own, and neither did his partner look at you anything but a specimen. 

You being this sick wasn’t the plan, and you knew making it wherever they were headed in one piece wouldn’t be easy. Not even sure if any of them would be there anymore by the time you got there. They had working cars afterall, and you only had two feet. Already your head was dizzy, but it felt wrong to turn away, leave it alone. You could just run from them, head far North until you reach the border and forget all of this. 

But you couldn't. They should have gotten what they wanted, so why wasn’t it enough? 

Now though, in the early hours of the morning, it was impossible ignore what you had heard the next few subsequent nights. Listening to this man ramble on what was no doubt some kind of radio. Foolish enough to think that you’d feel comfortable sleeping anywhere near him now he assumed he wouldn’t be heard or caught. Sprinkling hints of a deception that became harder to push away. Someone far more collected and confident then the bumbling coward presented to you. It chewed and gnawed in your mind throughout that night. 

He didn’t see you coming, knelt down faced away before having his body grabbed by the back of his shirt and tossed a few feet to the ground. Flipping onto his back, he stood up slowly to see you feet away from him. Exhausted and pushed to an edge. He tried placating it but only got as far as your name before you cut him off. 

“Why do you want me to go to Boston so badly?” You pulled from something attached to your belt, a thick yellow rope long and flopped down to the side. 

Seth’s face slowly melting off it’s aloof bravado. Something deeper inside brewing that you only felt your body tense at. “I don’t know what-” 

The voice waver made you a lot less brave but the force which you shoved it out masked it. “You led me there even after I told you no. What’s in Boston you’re so eager to get to?” 

There was an entirely new man in front of you, someone more poised with sunken eyes. As if whatever this facade was became too useless to keep up. This wasn’t a stumbling fool, but someone hiding too much. “We don’t need to do things this way-” 

You weren’t buying it though. Wrapping both ends of the rope around your hands, but kept low enough to give him hope to talk first. “Don’t make me ask you again, Seth.” 

His voice grew softer, as if to entice the part of you that wanted to grant sympathy. “It’s about you.” His gaze on your covered arm, and your heart beat harder. “I knew your Jerry and your father from the old days. They discovered a problem during testing, but you already had gotten out before he could look into it for himself.” 

You didn’t even need to ask about ‘they’. He knew them, and apparently your guess of some kind of scientist was correct. Both of them treated you like cattle once they had found you. The ghosts hovering over your life. “What problem?” 

“He never told me, and when your father died I didn’t think it mattered anymore. Left Jerry to pick up the pieces without his expertise. He’s replicated the work as much as he can, but the only thing your father told him only made him that much more desperate to find you. He’s a doctor not a scientist.” 

Maybe you should have been angry, upset. Dropping that on you as if you should already have known, but on the other hand it might be for the better. Jerry was cold, and uncaring. Your father was entirely too emotional, perhaps closer to disturbed than anything. “I gave them everything they wanted, what’s he desperate for?” 

The lack of blinking put you on edge even further. A look as if trying to figure out the very thing he was describing. “That I don’t know. Research has been kept under very tight watch, especially now.”

“And my father, what did he say?”

Seth’s eyes glazed with a troubled conflict, and a sorrow in his voice that told you he knew far more then he was telling you. Flashes in his eyes that spoke of a truth that sat unsettled within him. 

“He said this is the end. He said that we are all finished, and he took his own life.” 

The trickery, the trouble in his eyes, how this all kept relating back to that day. Your father taking his own life though? Something inside of you shifted unsettlingly, and not quite a loss for family. If you had even a modicum of faith in your father, you had none in his partner. “What I still don’t get is what you were planning to do with me. I mean what use would someone like me be to a lying con like you?” 

A debate flourished in his head, saying no words as he almost looked through you. The now calmness in the air, quiet and dulcet tones between you echoed eerily in your voice. You needed him to speak, you needed to know. “What do you think your last breath will feel like, Seth?” 

Eyes shutting for the briefest of moments, he let something echo in his veins. Words slipping from him in a level of defeat. “There’s a woman. A firefly-” 

“I’m already running from the fireflies-” Nothing but a bunch of make shift mercenaries playing at a war they’ve never even started to win. 

Seth shook his head, “Not this one. She’s a leader, has real goals she wants We can trust her, she can help.” You instinctively gnawed at your bottom lip, unwilling to believe in him. “Now if you come with me to Boston, I can get you to her.” 

Shaking your head, you bled distrust from every pore. “What’s her name?” 

His shoulders sagged as he sighed. “Please don’t make me tell you that,” the tightening of the rope between your hands squeezed as his eyes flickered from you to it and back again. “Marlene. Her name’s Marlene. She’s a good woman, your father trusted her.”

More then a few seconds passed. The wind flowing through the luscious trees nearby, and the grass grazing along the empty land. The peace nowhere near the small bubble you stood. “Why wouldn’t they have just told you what the problem was. If you worked with them, I mean. Bit odd.” 

Seth’s head tilted, a softness pleading with you as your name murmured from his mouth, “I’m on your side. I’m one of the-” 

Something snapped inside of you. Almost a scream inside your heart shouting at your survival and it consumed your vision within seconds. He wasn’t a fighter, you wrapped the rope around his neck with little defence. 

Within a second you kicked him to the ground, a struggle tumbling in the quiet grass as you flipped onto your back. The pull burning your wrists and your own legs trying to keep him down. His struggles and groans eating away at your hearing. 

You could only look down at your hold for seconds, nothing close to a fight back from a man who didn’t know how seek out for a real fight. Your breathe was forcibly rhythmic, in and out deeply as your head tilted back as you pulled. Breathing the sounds of struggle away as your eyes fell upon the nature.  

The leaves blowing on a tree, large and flourishing in the emptiness that ravaged around it standing tall and bright. The wind flowing like a calm around it like it was wishing to entrance you. Your breathing desperate to keep a deep even as your mind pushed away the burning pull on your wrists. The sight of the trees colours striking against the rest of the field hiding the groans below. 

You took your mind elsewhere, you weren’t strong enough to keep yourself in the moment. A life on the outside didn’t make you capable. It just made the struggling figures on an open ground dragging the life out of a man who knew more then you’d ever know, feel like a kind of memory you couldn’t live with if the trees didn’t exist.

Nothing like that existed here and now though. The barrel sights down to a man who helped play his part in many fights that these people didn’t deserve to be a part of. 

Once someone too sure of his own bravado, now faced you wide eyed and swallowing panic. His hands at first positioned in front of his torso as Joel approached you both, his knuckles turning white from how tightly he was pulling and twisting the coarse rope in his hands. You wanted to see the trees in that rope but you only saw the purple imprints on your wrists that had stayed with you for days. 

But it wasn’t someone tricking you to your death at the other end. It was people you wrapped a new life around, and the only ones who cared about you in return. Owen pleaded. “Come on, please. I’m not going to do anything, do you really need all this?” 

Your hands hesitated, grip on the shotgun so harsh for so long it your arms had started to shake. “I’ll behave, let’s all be reasonable here.” Barrel only lowering enough that it’s aim left the eye line of Owens head. Low enough that he had the gall to leap towards you as if having any chance. Before you could even register how startled you jumped, Joel had grabbed him by the shoulders and tossed him face first into the bar counter beside you. 

Owen’s head up enough to growl in anger, “Fuck you-” only to be slammed down into the wood with a crack of a bone splintering in the air. 

Yanking his arms behind his back, Joel tightened the mans own ropes around his wrists, leaving him just enough room before his circulation, or lacktherof, would turn his hands blue. The mans head yanked back with blood dripping from his nose and smeared down his face and painted the dark surface. Your fingers twitching on the shotgun aimed uselessly to the ground as your shaking breathe vibrated into your very chest as Joel hissed into his ear. “You try anything like that again, I’ll break a lot more then your nose.” 

Owen groaned but said no more. Shoving him towards Tommy, Joel only looked a his bloody face for a second longer before taking four strides over and all but shoving the chair out the mans reach. Stumbling onto his knees, grumbling unintelligible swearing as Joel burned a deep anger into his face and slinking it up to Tommy in unspoken words. 

Tommy himself seemed more hesitant. Taken back by something he had no way of seeing coming. You didn’t know how much of the other week Joel had even told him about. He at the least didn’t particularly care enough for the strangers well being to let him sit anywhere but the cold floor. He was more on the edge of confused, Joel saw you trying and failing to mask the shaking feeling of silent fear and that look washing over your eyes only had his blood run hot. 

Tilting his face to the side, Joel caught your gaze the hard set steel of his expression still peeking a deep concern for you behind it. His brown eyes gestured downwards to the shotgun in your grip, covering one of your hands with his own, the way it overtook your small ones with such warmth had you wanted to flip your palm to hold onto it, but you just let him slide the gun into his own possession. Holding it upright around the short cut barrel. 

Ever the vocal one, Ellie spoke up first. “Who are you?” She was stood still, arms crossed over her chest with a stare that could sear a hole in the floor. Her body now against the table, blocking any view of the towns layout from the strangers prying eyes. Tommy stood to his side, back to the wall and eyes to the door while Joel stepped away from your side. 

Watching him crouch down in front of the man, you yearned for the grace of someone more worthy. A gun to a mans surprised back peering right through whatever facade he would spit out were you not there. You had felt brave until he turned to face you. Owen’s face painted with fearful shock but yours only seethed with undiscovered ire. Whatever in your body that didn’t shake, a tingling flooded where ever nerves were attached. 

Owen’s stare towards Ellie was suspicious. Dots connecting in his head, he raised an eyebrow as he returned her stare. “How about you go first, then I have my turn?” 

“Hey,” Joel’s voice rumbled out tight and controlled, just like his unwavering posture. “You look at me, not her. Got it?” Owen didn’t answer quick enough, meaning not instantly, which only got him grabbed by the jaw, Joel’s fingers squishing parts of his cheeks in like a blooded up fish. “I said got it?” 

Owens brows furrowed in a grumble but he nodded. “Good. Now answer the question.” His kept his promise, he didn’t look back at Ellie. Just you. Empty eyes with a smile that had been smeared onto his skin like a goo. 

“Or you could just tell them, you already know my name afterall.” 

Your nails dug into the skin of your palms, scratching and clawing to keep them from shaking. In a world where you knew how to stand your ground, maybe the words would come up out of your mouth. Only they didn’t and you weren’t standing your ground, you weren’t sure your heart would calm enough to give that chance. 

Joel yanked his head back over to face him, face even sterner then before. “I asked you.” 

No one was impressed with the eye roll. A childish act for a tied up man, “Owen. Like she said.” When Joel didn’t let go of him, only gripped tighter did he remember to act like a grown up. “We used to know each other, had a couple run ins didn’t we?” 

You couldn’t see Joels eyes flit back as if he could see you behind him, but that yearning never left his heart. You were supposed to be at his side, not trapped in place by whatever memory this man dragged into town with him. “This is not-”

“He’s a firefly, or was.” Part of you was happy Owen hadn’t seen you in over a year, missing the slight waver in your voice as you forced it to come out in one go. All three of them had completely different reactions. 

Ellie was confused. A group in her life held a complicated relationship with her, one that she suspected wasn’t wholey truthful with her, but never had the chance to put her finger on it. Tommy was braced for either side of things. His eyes never straying from the sight in front of him but one foot of his stood out towards Ellie, as if to intervene. 

You didn’t need to see Joel’s face to know what he was feeling. Crouched down, his shoulders and back were set and so tense you could see it through his jacket. His hand dropped to his thigh with a thud curled into a fist. Those brown eyes washing over to a black as his nostrils flared as he kept a wild within him. 

No doubt lost in what you have found yourself in many times, flashes of light passing your eyes as images that keep you up at night taunt you. You found yourself pacing towards him, hand reaching out to him, but hovering in place at the prospect of sneaking up on him. But just like you felt with him, Joel didn’t need to hear or see to know you were near him. 

He just felt you already, taking a deep breathe as his back stretched back, giving your hand the chance to simply push forward and grasp onto the back of his collar like he knew you would. “What’s a firefly doing in our town, sneaking up on my own.” Joel was seconds away from bearing his teeth, if he remained just a strange intruder that was one thing. But none of you had any delusions about what having someone like this here could mean. 

“Just looking for a friend is all. Big state you know? Gotta check all the corners.” Joels fist curled in more as you curled your fingers into his collar. The two men eyed one another before Joel made to stand back upright. Letting go to give him space, it was only snatched back by Joel’s empty hand. Keeping it tucked to his chest, to turned so both your sides leaned against the bar. His warm breathe heating the skin of you face still doused from the cold outside. 

Eyebrows raised, you could read the question unsaid. Nodding yes, you bit the inside of your cheek. “Don.” Your eyes on his chest, Joel turned his body partway to gesture Ellie to take the shotgun from him. Sometime later, Joel would feel pride of how confidently she took it into her hold and held it to Owen. Perfect form like he taught her. But now that wasn’t anywhere near his mind. 

His now free grasp held onto your hip and pulled you at an angle, hiding your gazes from the man flickering his eyes around the room. Fingers stretching from under his, you wrapped them into the top of his shirt peeking through. Unable to decide if you could handle being the subject of this kind of intensity from Joel. “Don mentioned travelling with them for a while, I didn’t know he stayed with them after..” 

Joel cupped the side of your cheek, turning you up to his face. He meant to say something, meant to comfort or suggest but your own genuine unease pressed against the heart under his chest. A vulnerability that he spent weeks trying to coax from you from the quiet safety of your room together, but now on display for someone that Joel felt the growing urge to slam face first into a wall, leaving a mark he wouldn’t come back from. 

For only a moment you let yourself feel it. Shutting you eyes, Joels hand warm and soothing in your heart as you let the uncertainty flow over. Letting it drip from you head to your toes, melting off as it reaches the floor. Finally you flickered your eyes up to Joels. “I’ll talk to her.” Joels head whipped around, eyes blazing at the mans suggestion. “I’m not gonna kneel here and spill my guts to all you bozos-” 

The other two pairs of feet in the room both shifted a foot forward. A “Watch yourself” sounding from Tommy at the same time as Ellie’s far less decorum of “Shut the fuck up.” 

Shuffling in place, you could tell Joel was grappling with the idea. A deep protective instinct that threatened to overtake him should anything happen to you. “I’m not leaving you alone in a room with one of them.” 

Your cheek pinched between your teeth just a tad to sharp, your mind salvaging for any hint you have a plan in mind. But you don’t, and Joel knows you don’t. Because he doesn’t have one either. Your eyes drifted to Owens tied up frame, gesturing your chin over in debate, Joel doubled down.

“They’re better talkers then they are fighters out here. I’m not worried what he’s going to do, I’ll chain him to the wall if I have to. It’s what comes out of his mouth I don’t trust.” Something within you sensed something coming. Like the polarizing fear sweeping through you when Don had walked into town was a child’s bad dream compared to what your anxiety begun to brace for. But you agreed. 

That part of you which could no longer pretend as if you felt anything but racing nerves in your veins wouldn’t admit it, but you were eternally relieved to have Joel. You faced people like Owen, the fireflies always them versus you. Always running, stealing and sabotaging behind their backs it would weigh less on your chest to have someone in your corner, helping you up onto equal landing. 

Jaw clenching, Joel’s eyes pleaded a different story. One of a man dreaming of finding a small life with you and Ellie, and having to shove down the urge to burn everything to the ground just to keep you three in that harmony. But the fireflies played a different game. One that burned into Joel’s core, and one that froze yours over. 

Sending a shiver down the length of your spine as his thumb gently rubbed over your bottom lip, he was holding himself back from kissing you. Brown eyes flickering to your lips as his fingertips flexed where they sat on your body as if resisting pulling you into him. 

Sarah echoed in his head. Holding you in his arms on the porch as you told him unequivocally that she would be proud of who he is, but he didn’t feel proud now. Joel felt like control was slipping away from him and the last time that happened it ended in a bloodbath. 

You didn’t like this look on Joel. His handsome features warped by a painful conflict behind, firm and set as if nothing he was preparing to let nothing to get past the stone walls. You wanted him relaxed, soft. The kind of look he gave you that very morning. A smile that you’re not sure you’d ever seen yet. A soft one, a sleepy glaze in his eye and that very thumb rubbing over your bottom lip only then he moved it to help pull you out of sleep with his own lips. 

Anxiety shocking your limbs, jolting them like electricity while Joel was reliving the nightmares the people just like Owen brought on him. That quiet bubble of lips and skin against each other under the sheets Joel wanted you to call your own? That morning seems to not exist anymore. 

One of your hands drifted around, trailing on the inside of his jacket along the thin layer of his shirt, nails tracing towards his stomach as both of your eyes begged for even one kiss. Something to keep you both here and grounded. You weren’t going to give the satisfaction to Owen though. 

So you let yourself out of Joel’s hold. His hand sliding from your waist only until you were to far to stretch out to. Owen’s eyes were far less confident as you approached him. His laboured breathing the only thing in the air as you crouched in front of him. 

“You talk to both of us. Or no deal.” If you were someone else, you would have sounded firm. Sure of your conviction and unafraid of the coward in front of you. Not the weaker almost out of breathe hesitancy it came off as. 

Owen narrowed his eyes at you. “And if I say no?” 

Joel was what you tried to sound like. Deep and threatening, no room for doubt or barter as he came up behind you. “I dump you outside of town face first, hog tied in the snow.” 

Warm large hands pulled you up with one of them now refusing to leave your side. Owen conceded just as Tommy called Joel. Gesturing over to the sight of people beginning to mill about like nothing ever occurred inside the building. The man wasting no time as he hauled Owen up uncaring of the stumble he felt from the aggressive jostle. 

Owen stood crookedly against the bar, as Tommy circled his finger for him to turn around. “Ellie.” Joel beckoned her, a hand out for her to hand the shotgun over. Glancing between it and you, her face fell flat as she rolled her eyes giving it to a tiny smirking Joel at her petulance. 

No sense of personal space as he dove right into the small bag at your side for the ammo he assumed was in there. Loading it for you, he draped the strap over your shoulder. “Me and Tommy’ll handle getting him out of here. You two head back to the house, it’ll take us a while to move him.” 

Owen’s wrists rubbing together at the redness already scratching into them, Tommy added “I got a feeling he’s not against making a scene if we walk him through the middle of the street.” 

Neither you or Ellie were keen on leaving the two of them to handle it on their own, but you gently pushed her forward to grab her jacket. Joel turning you to face him as he cupped your cheek once more. There was something at the tip of his tongue, but it wouldn’t let itself out. A disruption you both felt in your bones just when he was finally putting a life together. 

Gently grasping his wrist, you turned his hand, pressing a kiss to his palm and watching him stiffen and breathe force itself from his lungs harder. A rage inside him that you knew he didn’t want to relive, or even expose you too. You couldn’t form the words, you knew what you felt but your tongue wouldn’t take them in. You just wanted him to know that it was alright.

The disgusting turmoil you brought upon his family hadn’t made him turn you away. His own would never do the same to you. There wasn’t anything Joel could do that would destroy what you were trying to pretend wasn’t a stem of blossoms flourishing into unconstrained winding petals.

But now? Watching Joel share muted words with an agitated Ellie, both struggling to let the other walk away? Wondering if it was mere coincidence that it was Owen who was here, or if you dragged them to your doorstep. 

Your mind far off, preoccupied in the possibilities going unconfessed. If this was your fault, if you brought this on them, then Joel should hate you. You deserved it. No reason could form in your head as to why he should support you, he’d done enough. 

You didn’t know what to bring to this relationship, and now all you have started bringing is burden upon burdens. Nothing to go on, all you could assume was that love wasn’t supposed to be sharing the brunt of the others problems. 

You were selfish for letting him bring you home that day, and he was stupid for going after you in the first place. The gruesome mark on your side should have stayed there. Ripped open and bleed out until you wouldn’t get back up from that blood soaked room anymore. 

Fed up, Ellie grabbed your arm with a shout of your name. Turning you towards her, eyes narrowed in exasperation. “Where are we going? Joel said-” 

Mouth opening then closing, your peeked at the people around you some glancing at the Ellie’s sudden outburst. It didn’t even dawn on you until now how far into town the pair of you had gotten. You couldn’t do this here, not in front of all these people. You couldn’t breathe around a crowd closing in on you. Swallowing the swarming cloud threatening to engulf you. “I need to get something, okay?” You grabbed her hand on your arm, squeezing it for a moment. “It’s important.” 

She didn’t say much as you both walked into the now mostly empty house. You wasted no time, making a bee line to your bedroom as Ellie paced around. Taking in the lack of any feeling home. You had brought hardly anything over. A bag or two at most. Neither she or Joel had much when they arrived, but they finally had started to feel like a home, like a place in the world once long forgotten. You arrived with nothing, and you still had next to nothing. 

Ellie couldn’t help but wonder. Is that what life on the outside was like for you? To truly have nothing to find joy in? The clang of wood caught her attention, dragging her over to your old bedroom. Your body knelt on the ground tearing out part of the floor only to reach in and rag out a small box. “So what are we doing back here?” 

Hands pausing mid movement what would you even say? What Joel was keeping from here was nowhere near the kind of lie you were keeping from both of them. The lie you tried to throw away the day you set foot in this town. Fingers slowly wrapping around loose drawings scattered at the bottom, you shuffled them together, throat tight as you tired to find careful words. 

“Something he might be after.” Head lifting up you saw the question form on her tongue. “It’s complicated. I’m not- I don’t know how to explain it.” Right now at least. 

“You could try. I mean I’m complicated.” Your head dropped again but in a breathy laugh, Ellie always managing to let that bemused attitude slip through no matter what. 

Tilting your head to the side a smirk played on your lips. “Yeah, we seem to be a house full of that.” Slipping the drawings into part of the journal, you sucked in a breathe with your eyes blinking shut for as long as you exhaled. Chucking the box back into the hole you lazily threw the wood down. Nothing left in there to hide under hammer and nails. 

Ellie’s face was stuck in hesitation when you stood back up. Her eyes looking to the journal you pressed tight to your chest then back to your own face trying to appear neutral. “Is that what he wants?” 

Lungs constricted and coiled more in your chest. Best case scenario likely being this was all he travelled here for. “Stay in your room, when we get back.” Your head shaking just once as your face tightened and scrunched up. “I’m not asking Ellie. You’re not going anywhere near him.” 

Her arms waved in the air, voice raising just like outside. “I’m not just gonna hide in my room like a-” 

“You don’t think Joel’s going to tell you the exact same thing?” Inside hoping you weren’t coming across as harsh. But you didn’t know what Owen was going to say, or what was going to happen to get him to say it. Ellie deserved a normal life, and none of this was apart of that. 

The house was silent when you both got back. Not a creak or muffle as Ellie charged in first. An annoyed attitude to match such a flat expression unwilling to even keep the door mostly open. Your grip on the journal adjusting and reajusuting multiple times as if letting for a fleeting moment would sweep it out of your possession. 

Opening the door the rest of the way, you were silent as you watched Ellie stand in the middle of the room. Her body turned towards the only closed door, eyes wider and sunken in with a deeper hesitation then before. You could see Joel leaning back against the counter, arms crossed with eyes harsh and narrow at the same direction. 

“He’s in there?” Half her torso twisting to watch Joel nod once. “Is he-” 

“Still tied up. He’s not going anywhere.” An edge cut through his voice, restraining an emotional you knew was a battle to bury back down. “As long as he’s here you’re going to-” 

Head dropping as did her eyes. “Stay in my room. I know.” She didn’t bother taking her jacket off out here, just step by step towards the hallway there wasn’t even a blink. Suddenly the prospect of staying as far away from him as possible didn’t sound like a punishment. Stopping in front of the door, she looked back to Joel with her teeth gritting in an anxiousness. “What are we going to do with him?” 

There was no response. Joel’s shoulders squared as he exhaled through his nose harshly. Brown eyes just glued between her and the door as his head brewed with thoughts you couldn’t possibly imagine. 

Neither of them said anymore. Ellie turned to open her door before taking one last peek at the shut one not far from her own. Keeping her in the dark wouldn’t last, but right now wasn’t time. Not for Joel, not for you. 

The quiet air didn’t dissipate with her departure. An uncertainty floating between you and Joel, his eyes now following the way yours stared at the door. Unlike Ellie though, your own blazed with a knowing fear. Murmuring your name, Joel gestured for you to come over to him. 

You didn’t reach out for him the way his hand did for your waist. Pulling you closer, Joel stood up straight with a deep breathe. Eyes flickering to the door and back, brows narrowed still. “The hell does he want with you that he tracked you all the way here for?” 

It felt like a blame, even if it wasn’t one. What did you to do drag something else into his life? Your grip on the journal in your hand didn’t go amiss. Nor did your casual shrug fool him. “If he’s still a firefly he either only wants me..” 

“Or that?” Joel raised an eyebrow towards your hands as his own pulled your retreating body back into him. “Hey. I’m not prying, but if you’re in danger I need to know about it. Now.” The sternness in Joel’s voice carved something deep inside you as did the fierceness in his bright eyes.

Your jaw clenched as the defeat just piled up. His eyes followed as your hands dropped to your sides before you tossed the journal aggressively onto the counter behind him, but your arms returned to cross your chest protectively. “They know about me. Like-” 

His large hand squeezing just above where the mark sat on your side. His eyes squinted in confusion at what was in your hands. “What does a book have to do with it?” Heart lurching in your chest, you pried yourself from his hand but found yourself unable to move entirely from his warmth. One palm pressing into your forehead as the other sat on your hip. 

“It belongs to them.” Your chin cutting over to it. Jackson was supposed to heal over those memories, but that wasn’t the plan of whoever watched your life over. “I stole it from them, Owen took it back from me, I stole it from him so on.” Head raising into the air to push the sting in your eyes down even when your shaky breathe gave it away just as much. “Either they only got their hands on the book, or lucky enough to try and drag me to Boston because Marlene just can’t give anything up.” 

“Marlene?” Joel leaned into you, pulling your face to look at him by your chin. Your own lost ones stark against his heating fire as he said your name. “She was the one looking for you?” 

You stammered, watching Joel run a hand over his face. Dots connecting in your mind, your mouth fell open slightly as a tangle of disjointed words tumbled out. “Yeah she wanted me.... and you were in Boston. With Ellie.” A story you knew the details to but didn’t stop to wonder how deeply intertwined it’s words were.

This time it was Joel who fidgeted his body back and forth, jaw so clenched it might snap as both his hands found his hips. “Ellie grew up in there, and that’s where I lived when Marlene got me to take her, or forced my hand was more like it. She was adamant someone needed to get her to one of their stations out west when she couldn’t.”

Joel’s head snapped to you as you started putting it together. “I’m assuming she didn’t specify west meant a hospital in Salt Lake?” 

Running his hand down his face again, Joel finally leaned back against the counter. “I didn’t know the extend of where I was taking her until Ellie mentioned a cure. By the time I got her there, it was almost to late when I found out what the fuck they were about to do.” 

Blood racing in your veins you hated where this was going more and more. “Because she knew you’d never do otherwise. She seem desperate?” 

All you needed was his nod of yes. You felt incredibly stupid. The details Joel had already shared, what Don told you, what had happened what was in the journal itself. That’s why they left you alone after all that time. She found Ellie, and dumped her off with people who couldn’t possibly know what Marlene was handing her off for. 

You weren’t sure how long you had been silent, but Joel cupped the side of your neck urging you to come back to him. You were quicker on the draw then he was. “We need to find out what he’s doing here. Now.” 

Soothing you, his breathe grazed your face as he leaned his forehead onto yours. “I can do this alone, you don’t need to see this.” 

Sliding your fingers up to hold his wrist gently, your eyes as soft as your touch felt opposite of how much Joel’s nerves sat in his fingertips. “You said we’re in this together. So we do this, together.” He took one last moment to hold you against him still with a hand at the back of your head. 

Pulling back he grabbed something you couldn’t quite see from behind him, sliding it into pocket inside his jacket before you could make it out. His hand stayed in the middle of your lower back as you both approached the door. The journal left alone on the counter the reasons to keep it in the shadows leaving you moment by moment. 

It should have satisfied you to see fresh blood now on his face. Two distinct cuts clotting over on his cheek, drifting down to see his frame tied to a chair looped with more then one restraint. Hands bound to the arms of the seat, a redness that too was blood on his fists. You wanted to feel smug at how rough he looked, but it did nothing to soothe the racing of your heart. 

Owen barley looked your way when he saw Joel follow in. The harsh shut of the door behind him making the bound man jump. A rag drenched in droplets of blood and sweat tied around his mouth explained the no noise as you walked in. A sprinkle of suspicion that his newfound red paint was a result of putting far more of a struggle up then he could handle the consequences too. 

The air around the three was charged with such a heavy weight you felt as if it could crush you flat. Your vision as it turning white flashed, the slamming pain skyrocketing from your body to your head as it rattled against the cliff side. The blood on your face felt as if it had never been washed off as you looked at the still red stained ones on Owen. 

Yours weren’t bound to the arms of the chair. No yours were wrapped behind you, phantom sensations of the metal digging into your skin as it gave way to a snapping bone. Memories you’ve never spoken of,  ones you wanted to bury deep. 

Joel had spoken, and you didn’t even catch it. Muffled voices quiet and rumbling as your brain forced itself into the present. You had barley moved from just feet inside the room. Joel stood tall over him with the rag now dragged down from his mouth spitting as the words came out. “What? I can’t just pop by to visit a friend? See an old pal? Isn’t that right? Good ole Don?” 

Snatching his jaw, Owens cheeks smushed together as Joel forced it to lurch forward to his knelt over figure. “Hey, you’re not talking to her. Just me.” His voice was even, but unseen to your place behind him, Joel’s features stood sharp, a dark in his eyes that worked it’s way into his bones from weeks of torment on the people he loves. “Start with what Don was here for.” 

Joel’s hand dropped as he stayed at his eye level Keeping the mans only view of him. The condescension in Owen’s voice circulating Joel’s bloodstream in an angering trail. ��Small town living.” 

He gave him no response. A stone walled stare leaving the pure nothingness in the air force someone to fill it, only neither you or Joel would do so. 

“He’s an idiot, who knows what he was doing here. I just haven’t heard from him is all, a guy can’t worry for his friend apparently.” You knew Owen wasn’t stupid enough to believe that. Part of you wondered if he just didn’t realize why Don was nowhere to be found, or if he was dumb at playing dumb. 

Joel’s hand flexed as he turned his head. Barley enough to even look beside him until moving back trying to not shift focus to you. Keeping Owens focus or Joels focus away he wasn’t quite sure of. “This can end right now. But if you keep bullshitting me, I promise you’ll wish it did.” 

Owen opened his mouth and closed it more than once. He was a footman. Strong, not pragmatic. A fear not unlike one you’ve felt countless times in your own eyes doubting himself as Joel stared at him. Only letting a few more seconds pass before Joel’s face twisted in anger. Bracing his palms on his thighs Joel pushed back upright. 

Stepping uncomfortably close into his space, Joel tugged the gag back over his mouth, but was nowhere near done. You couldn’t tell what Joel had pulled from his jacket until rusting pliers braced themselves onto the nail of Owens index finger. 

Tilting his head with an eyebrow raised, Joel was giving him a warning that Owen didn’t take. Just shaking his head with a muffled string of what sounded like petulant swearing. Joel held it to him, breathing heavy as whatever conflict in his head won out, forcing himself to act on that conclusion before a softer part of his subconscious wanted to talk him out of. 

A few years into the outbreak you had watched a number of members from your group screaming not dissimilar to the muffled ones before you. You had been pressed inside the back of a desk. Your only sight the dilapitating square of wall in front of you, but the wood surrounding you felt as it it made it echo. Warped, distorted screams as it was followed by a cracking. One by one the cracks followed screams that rasped into sobs. 

It was a sound and sight that for a while, was the scariest thing you’d ever seen. A body unconscious from either shock or blood loss as scattered puddles of blood and teeth lay strung about. You didn’t dare look how many were left. There were enough teeth on the ground to know not enough to matter. 

You had thought to yourself, never again did you want to be anywhere near something like this. But that was before you were tormented with screams, screeches and searing rips into your skin and clicks that stabbed into your brain until you felt numb to the fear. 

Owen didn’t sound quite like any of it. More like a strained groan trying to push down the agony. Your nails digging into your palm with each silence between Joel’s growling voice. Blood asking to drip down from the nails you still had, unlike the man who took his only chance to speak with his gag off, to try and spit at Joel. Much more swearing came from that rip then whatever your nails scratched into your palm. 

The red made it look worse then it did. Comparing to what the world outside proved it was capable of, Owen would live. Live without having to change who he was entirely. Your side told you not to feel bad and it was a hard voice to ignore. Your forearm throbbing in rhythm. Neither of those were a fate anyone should feel, but you had. And so did she. Those were far worse.

Owen wasn’t just connected to Don, it didn’t just trace back to you, and Joel had enough of keeping that thought out of it. “Look at me. Hey-” He yelled more this time, nostrils flared as he grabbed Owen by the throat to force him to look. 

Owen looked dazed, swallowing hard as his eyes fluttered in and out of pain. “You this embarrassed someone got the jump on you in front of your girl?” 

A roaring current zapped through Joels nerves, his hand tightening his hold on the mans throat. “Fine, you’re in my position. Someone breaking into your home? Rope in his hands, sneaking up on you and your daughter behind your backs?” His voice snarling at the edge of breaking into something Joel could lose control over. 

But you didn’t give either of them a chance. Your footsteps banged into the floor, heart pounding but unwilling to break eyes with Owens attention, now on you as he heaved in pain. Joel didn’t move, forcing his snarling heaves back down.

Hand curling into a fist around the pliers. It didn’t matter what Owen’s plan was. Joel covered all of Ellie’s sides, and so you would cover his back. You didn’t bend down to their place near the ground. You wanted Owen to strain up in the pain to look at you. “You read the journal, right?” 

Joel’s heart tempered down, but didn’t have the willingness to look anywhere but the man bleeding in front of him. Nothing had happened, but the threat was enough. Men like this, people like them? Joel would make sure they had no right to even look at Ellie. They get to keep their lives, their families and there was no comprehension in Joel’s mind to ever appease that they tried to tear apart his for their own gain. Tear his family back to shreds, keep their own when they had no heart or soul as they tried to do it to his. 

Unlike him, you didn’t bother with the intimidation, it was never a word given to you anyways. Letting it your hand brush the wrist attached to where Joel’s was, brushing your thumb over the vein you could reach, Joel finally let the mans airway free. Desperate to keep himself here, it only switched places. You felt his hand, large and close to bruising as he held part of your calf. 

Owen heaved and you let him. He wasn’t a solider, he had no obligation to withstand this, and both you and Joel knew that. You let Joel push Owen to the edge as long as you held him back from the cliff when Joel himself got to close to falling alongside. Broken at the bottom, splayed on jagged rocks you spoke softly to him. 

“Owen. I asked you a question.” He glanced from Joel to you, but finally kept it mostly on you when Joel didn’t move a muscle. “How much of the journal did you read?”

And there it was, his bloodshot eyes jumping to your forearm. In another world, maybe you’d smile, smirk, enjoy the torment. But neither you or Joel did. This was his family, and he was protecting it regardless of the cost. 

Nodding, you didn’t really even register doing, but your eyes sat wide. “It didn’t say anything about this,  I imagine.” One hand slip the side of your shirt up. 

Forearms heal better then the sides of a torso, and yours still looked like a horror. The colour, the scarring still healing with skin bitten and torn into and no disillusion as to what it was from. “Do you think you’re bite will look like this? Or rot to something else entirely.”

Would you do it? No. Humans deserved the fate of other humans. No one deserved what you and Ellie had barley survived. It was more then teeth, it was a blood curling terror like a radiation poured into your body along with it. But Owen didn’t know that, all he knew is someone in the fireflies inflated your reputation to dangerous. And that certainly wasn’t the image of hope Marlene tried to frame it in, no only one other person would have given Owen that idea. 

You wanted to crouch to look him properly in the eye, but you dared not interrupt the iron grip Joel had on your calf. So your fingers curled into the side of his jacket collar, one the front of his shirts were familiar with on quiet, peaceful nights. “Don could have told you if his own bite didn’t tear into his neck. Bring you to him if you don’t believe me.” 

“No, n-no,” There was the crack Joel had broken in. 

“Then tell us the truth. If you’re here for the journal, we can talk about that. But of you’re here for me then that’s a new problem.” 

You could feel Joel’s hand slid up your calf, less desperate and tight but now more all encompassing. A need to feel you there without risking his attention elsewhere. But that didn’t matter. The attention wasn’t about you at all. Owen looked defeated at you before sliding his eyes to the thing you feared putting at risk the most.   

“We weren’t looking for you. We were sent to look for him.” Your fingers curled into his jacket more as your heart beat so fast you felt it in your throat. A penetrating cold shivering from your heart and outward. “Fuck, no one even knew where you were until now I guess. A few of us have been scouting different nowhere towns looking for a Joel Miller. Just a wild fucking coincidence I guess.” 

Joel’s voice was controlled, forcing words out slowly and clearly. Low almost like a whisper. His eyes the opposite as they fell dark and falling down a hole of realization. “Whose us?” 

Owen gnawed at his lip before relenting. “Anderson,” Joel tilted his head needing him to elaborate, but you knew. You knew it was a divine force that kept you from falling back. “You know the doctor, the fucking hospital? We’re not with the fucking fireflies anymore, just got a few of us together when she finally learned your name. You killed her dad, so? Fair’s fair.” 

Joel stood up, the room silent as your head spun it’s contents. Turning to you, his face was lost in an overwhelming blast of emotions. Yours was flushed, a shiver running your entire body as you looked at him.  This wasn’t even about you, and that scared you even more. You couldn’t just walk away to get rid of this for them.

Joel grabbed your wrist on his jacket, holding to keep you close. He seemed to grapple with something before turning to shove the gag back in Owens protesting mouth and dragging you out of the room. 

He pulled you closer to the main room cupping the sides of your face urgently, pulling you into his space as you tried to rationalize it. “She can’t, you..I won’t let her.” 

Joel muttering your name almost commandingly as he almost smoothed over your skin to quell the panic. “Hey, hey- it’s okay eyes on me.” Your nails almost dug into his chest as you shook in his hold with a skin prickling combination of distraught and a back blowing whoosh of determinating protectiveness. “Nothing is going to happen. Nothing’s going to happen to me, not me, not any of us.” 

Your soul felt like screaming on the inside. “I’m not going to lose you, not for this. I won’t leave anyone to-” 

Joel pulled your lips into his, a harsh and rough collision that took not just your breathe out of your lungs but his. His own brushing against yours aggressively, pulling back only enough to have you hear him.

“Together. Anything we do, we’re doing it together. You don’t want to leave me? Good ‘cus I’m certainly not leaving you or her. I didn’t do what I did, only to get ripped away from her as soon as we finally started becoming something.” 

Joel kissed you another time, telling you to stay out here. Just for a minute before turning on the spot and slamming the door back behind him. A sharp anger on his face that you decided wasn’t worth holding him back from. 

Your back pressed against the wall, palms shoving pressure onto your forehead as you realized just who was looking for Joel. If it was her, then she’d come looking for Owen. If Joel didn’t hesitate to go find you the day you took off, then she would come looking for Owen the second it was too late for him to reasonably not come back. 

At some point you had slid onto the floor right next to Ellie’s door. This was it. She needed to know about that day. But it wasn’t what Joel did that was the lie going to hurt, it was the truth you had to come to terms with too. The truth all Joel did, was save her from and the pain he thought he was keeping from her was nothing. 

You could see the journal still sat on the counter at the other end of the room. He’d tell her, then you’d tell them. Somewhere in the back of your head you registered a thud, but it was too faint to drag you back into the light. 

The quiet creak of Ellie’s door however, was just that. She had heard enough to know what was happening in that room, but none of you were disturbed by it. Ellie had been through more then what Joel had done in those last ten minutes with Joel himself. Her eyes were tensely trained on the door when she almost jumped at the sight of you. 

“Fuck, make a sound or something next time.” Laugh, smile give her something but you couldn’t. Everything was about to be laid out on the table, and your nerves were crippled with the nightmare of losing Joel, losing her, for it all. “What happened?” 

Both of your heads shot up as Joel finally came back out. A redness on his hands that you knew were smears of the mans already dripping blood inside, it didn’t look bruised so at least it wasn’t that. You could only see inside the room enough to see the chair awkwardly moved over with Owen muttering to himself along with it as the door shut. 

All three of you looked at one another before Joel looked at Ellie with a seeping guilt in his eyes, “We need to talk.” Ellie’s eyebrows raised in worry but nodded. 

“Not just you. I mean, she needs to know.” Ellie’s face darting between you both now confused, “But you both need to know something else. You talk to her first though.” 

Ellie looked lost and anxious, “What the fuck is going on?” 

Joel’s hand smoothed over the side of Ellie’s head, his heart melting at how instinctively now she leaned into his embrace without realizing. Any of you losing this would be catastrophic. “Give us a minute,” his head gesturing to you. “Then we’ll talk.” Looking between you both, she finally conceded. Joel unable to take his eyes off of her until the door shut completely once more. 

Holding his hand out, he pulled you up onto your feet and gestured to the main room before either of you said a word. Wavering looks swimming in both of your eyes and hearts beating just as loudly as the other. “She-” Joel cut himself off with a sigh, handing his head with his hands on his hips. “I wanted to find the right words first. Not spring it on her like it doesn’t matter how I say it.” A strain in his voice you wanted to honey over.

Though you weren’t sure he was really telling you, not past your nerves. Running a hand down the length of his face as his eyes stayed shut. You were in the same boat, how were you supposed to tell the only family you had how much of a lie they were both sold on. How would they feel knowing you were a sliver of that story? 

Maybe you shouldn’t have unpacked that bag, your old empty house feeling more and more like the isolation you belonged in, but Joel didn’t deserve this feeling. He’d been through enough, he’s done enough. Softly muttering his name, he dropped his hand back to his hip but still was trapped behind his eyes.

This time whispering his name, hands very gently reaching out to cup the side of his face, thumb tracing against the coarse facial hair. His larger hand circled your wrist. “Give me your worst case scenario.” His eyes darting up in narrowing, an incredulous look but you kept your hand softly on him. “What would be the worst reaction she could have?” 

It was clear he’d thought too much of just that, because his answer was instantaneous. “She hates me. I lied to her about all of it, and she resents me for what I did, and for lying to her.” A part of your heart cried at hints of agony his eyes looked at you. “I don’t know if I could handle that. Not now.” 

Joel deserved to hear one thing, but right now you think he needed something else more. It was surprisingly easy to pull such a tall giant man to lean down into you. His hands both squeezing you waist as his forehead rested on your shoulder. Winding one arm past his neck you kept him there as you raked your hands through his hair as the other ran your palm shallowly against his torso down closer to his stomach. His deep breaths the only thing in your ear as you let him feel the worry for just a moment. 

Let him process what’s being forced onto him so suddenly. You didn’t let go of him as you softly spoke into his ear minutes later as his breathing steadied against your skin. “Do you know why that will never happen?” Hands gripped you tighter, you were starting to speak his silence. “That kid loves you. You’re her whole goddamn world even if you can’t see it. She was sold on a lie that got sold onto you. You were the only person who did the right thing, probably one of the only people who ever put her well being before someone else.” 

Joel found enough of a calm to lift his head, steady movements in his chest as he rested his head against yours. Face still twisted and tearing apart with nerves. “I still lied to her.” 

When you first met him, you’d never have said anything close to what came out of your mouth in the firm meaning you spoke. “You lied to yourself, Joel.” His eyes widening, a hurt treading on them that needed to be satiated fast. “When you think about that day, do you see what you did or why you did it- no don’t try to tell me otherwise. Because that’s exactly what I see.” 

Your hands sliding down to his own waist, “There’s not a single time I’ve heard Ellie talk about everything that happened that doesn’t end in her finding a way to tie it back to something you did for her. Marlene wanted to dump her life off on lies, and you kept her from it because you love her. What lie do you think’s going to hurt more? The one you couldn’t even admit to yourself, or the one people like them just for a chance to get her into a slaughterhouse.”  

Pulling your arms away from him, you gave Joel the chance to stand on two feet. The thoughts clearly mixing and repelling against one another as he followed your lead. Giving his body a chance to breathe on his own, his eyes on nothing while the mind behind brewed and boiled. Slowly you stepped away, the time it took getting to where the journal had been tossed feeling like a lifetime. 

Your hand paused as you slid it towards you. Eyes flying over the well used pages stuffed with fresher notes in your own once manic scratchings. Heart felt beating in your chest, you had to do it, but it wasn’t your place to say it. You had to let them be together. They could call you whatever they wanted, but you were still just on your own. Joel was her father now, and that’s the love she’s going to desperately need the most. 

Biting the inside of your cheek, you quickly moved things. Putting your own notes in one pile and storing it right at the front. It had to be done before regret slipped in. Snatching it off the table you didn’t hide it on your person this time. It hung in the hand at your side, as you looked at his face once more. 

No lies between you. Even if it sacrificed the adoration he watched you with. Both of you moved slowly as you handed it over to him, grateful he didn’t open it right away. “There’s nothing I could say that isn’t already in there.” 

Joel’s head tilted as he looked at you with doubt. “Neither of us is trying to exclude you.” 

Nerves burning on fire, you shrugged. “It’s still your life before me. Don’t open it until after. She needs you first, not this.” Watching his eyes bounce between the journal and you, the defeat crawling over sitting heavy in Joel’s stomach. “I think I pretty much summed it up, my notes in the front.” You pointed to the obvious white sheets contrasted against the stained darker ones. “But it’s still all in there.” 

Neither you nor Joel said the words. The grief of losing it before becoming real a fear you needed to steel yourself with once more against as Joel stood before you. Himself holding it back from spilling out of his mouth, especially with that dissonant look in your eyes. 

Selfishly, you have yourself what could be a final indulgence of his warmth. Your hands pressing flat onto his chest wishing those warm brown colour of his eyes would stay with you forever. “You’re not a bad person, Joel. Ellie knows that, so stop thinking that she will.” 

His eyes skipped down to your lips, choosing to pull you in with his fingers under your chin. Small and chaste with the taste of restraint from losing yourself in the other. Pulling back only enough to give you air, “Didn’t realize this is what it would take to get this much out of you.” 

Your heart leaping into a breathy laugh as he too lightly laughed into another kiss. Everyone always had something to say the second you ran your mouth for more than a few minutes didn’t they? 

Control slipping, you had to gently push him back before he let go of it entirely. You didn’t watch as he walked away, didn’t watch as he went into her room. The click of the door was a trigger. The air in the room heavy and constricting, as the walls surrounded you. You couldn’t be in here, you couldn’t listen to whatever would happen it was suffocating you. You didn’t deserve to be anywhere near them, not now, not for this. 

Not sure if either of them heard the front door shut, you walked out into the now significantly darker sky. Lungs filling with air you could stand as if the house was drowning in water. You didn’t get too far, just far enough to throw your back against a brick wall, sliding down as you lifted your head into the late winter sky.

It was a strange thought that passed through you, wondering what she’s heard about you since. If she was still with the fireflies then she knows all to well the man power wasted at trying to get you back.

Like the faces that followed you with every stabbing pain, she no doubt remembers your face perfectly. One of the hands now resting on your knees twitching as it relived a pain. 

The blood dripping down your bottom lip from how hard you bit into it, holding back your voice as the bones in your hand snapped, slipping from the metal handcuffs forcing your arms behind the chair. The chain clanging together as you retched them in front of you, barley making it off the chair as your upper body leaned in on itself, shaking as you snapped the bone back barley staving off a cry.

The darker the sky grew the further down the dilapidated, dripping hall your memory travelled. You had caught her coming around the corner, nearly jumping as she turned to see you. It was easy to see the blood on you was your own, but it was even easier to see what sat on the forearm with the fractured hand. Red skin and stiff hanging at your torso, you had it unknowingly tilted where the ripples of an infection she couldn’t possibly guess was long past it’s prime. 

You didn’t know if all of them here knew, a pathetic excuse of a firefly mid stop with too much empty space for them to even think of how to use it. Hell, at the time, you didn’t know a single of them were fireflies. You just knew him, your father, and now her. Judging by her face, wide eyes stepping back as an urgency fell over her face, she didn’t know the person here was you. The familiarity between you didn’t mean anything close to it’s beginning.

It all took no more than a few seconds. One of her hands reached behind her for what you had seen from the side was a gun as she begun to shout out someone’s name that you didn’t give her a chance to spell out. You had done it before you even heard it, arm stretched as the sound of the shot hit your ears after it already casted blood into her stomach. Something inside you wanted to stay, by the time someone else reached her it could already be too late. 

But that would’ve been your fate if you didn’t leave. You fell into their laps by accident, but wasted no time in trying to find a use for you that didn’t involve keeping you around. It was the first time you stole the only resources they had, you. And the first time having you get away, ate at Marlene’s desperation to force you back from that day onward. You didn’t even know Marlene’s name until that day in the field, but you new who she was all too well now.

Front door slowly shutting was followed by the slight thud of boots against the wood of the porch. Head snapping up you saw Joel looking out with a squint, his shoulders looking less risen and tense then he had all day. You however, shot up so quickly your feet almost stumbled you back over if not for your hand braced against the brick beside you. 

It was too far to see his expression, but it wasn’t always the best way to determine what was going on inside Joel’s head. Let him come to you, you told yourself. Constantly going to him, invading his life, disturbing their privacy was all you provided. 

He had on a different shirt then before, this one looking much warmer then what was on you. Part of you wondered just how long you had been out here alone. If the sky had anything to say about it, it might have been far longer then you knew. 

Now though, being out in the snow? A lack of anything substantial for winter weather having Joel’s eyes look at you, not knowing if in simple concern or judgment. Standing a foot or two away from you, Joel answered the question he saw you open your mouth to ask. 

“You were right.” Your back sagged against the brick, this time though your legs finding the strength to hold you up. “Turns out having your whole life upended hurts a whole lot more then being lied to about getting her out of it.” His voice was shoved out in a gruff kind of pain, his eyes fared no better.  Bright but not in a shine you yearned for, a pain, an upset that sat heavy in his heart. Just because it didn’t devastate their relationship, doesn’t mean it wasn’t devastating in every other sense. 

You swallowed harshly as you nodded. Nothing even in your throat to say, scared to look to long at him, missing the needing stare he gave you that shined in the growing moonlight. Your voice just weak and cracked, “And you?” 

The sigh he let out was loud. Arms crossing his chest he paced to put rest his back against a close by tree. The increased distance between you growing larger, you didn’t know how intentional it was. “I said something when she first told me what Marlene wanted with her. They’ve talked about cures all the time and none of them worked. Everyone wanted me to believe in it, in her so badly.” 

Clenching his jaw you could see the frustration build and build. Making you feel like you understood without any idea of how to comfort it in a meaningful way. “But she’s a kid, not an answer.” 

You yearned to reach out to him, his eyes glazing somewhat as he looked from the night sky, to the ground and back to you as a darker tone resurfaced in his voice. “She didn’t deserve to be treated like some miracle. She needed someone, anyone, to give a shit enough to protect her. Even from them.” 

For once you stood still like a stature while Joel kept shifting his stance or his shoulders. “I don’t know if I even believed it when I went back for her. All I knew is it didn’t matter what they wanted, she didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with it.”

Your fingernails chipped away at the brick behind you, “Sometimes desperation makes you dumb. Doing bad things because they deluded themselves into thinking as long as they accomplish something then they can keep feeling as if they’re winning.” Sighing out raspily you hoped he couldn’t hear it. “Couldn’t get me anymore, so the second she found a new one? Getting her on that table was all they a cared about.”

“Even though they knew it wouldn’t work.” Joel pushed up from the tree, letting his hands fall to his belt loops trying to close the distance. “Didn’t matter what the truth was, everyone wanted her to be the one to set all of this right. All I could see was a girl who wanted to have a life. Didn’t matter to me what anyone else wanted, I’m not sure it ever did when it came to Ellie.” 

Silence fell between you, that feeling in your throat coming back up like it wasn’t able to stop. Your heart falling over at the pain filling his features. “I’m sorry.” 

Joel scrunched his face at you. “You’re sorry? For what?” 

Throwing your hands out, you for once found yourself starting any kind of argument. “What do you mean what? How about everything I do somehow keeps coming back to fuck you and Ellie’s lives up.” 

Joel’s own voice started to match in a frustration level. “Wait- you haven’t done anything.” 

Rolling your eyes to the side you struggled to understand what he was even trying to do. “Right, because you’re lives have been so much more peaceful since I showed up and for some reason you just let me hang around no matter what I’ve done.” 

Joel tried to come towards you but you just pushed off the wall and circled around to stay away. “I-”

At least it was growing dark enough that Joel couldn’t see the redness in your eyes. “He came looking for Don, Joel. Don never checked in because I killed him, he never even mentioned them. If he was here looking for you, he stopped giving a shit about you the second he saw me. Maybe if I just let him-” 

Joel’s anger wasn’t at you but it sat visibly steaming on his face as he tried stepping towards you, but you just stepped away again. “No. I’m not even going to fucking entertain that idea-” 

Your head pounded, every modicum of sound screaming as it flowed into your ears. “Well I am, so maybe you should for once, Joel.”

Running a hand over his mouth, you knew he was either going to yell or going to try and come closer, but at the moment you couldn’t tell which one you wanted less. “What do you want from me? Blame you for everything that ever goes wrong? Pretend I don’t want you in my life?” 

If he was growing angry, you deflated it by turning to face him. Not quite yelling, but certainly not quiet either. “No, you’re just supposed to not want me in general.”

His volume grew with yours, as did the sharp features on his face grew twisted and stiff. “Well I’m sorry, sweetheart. You don’t get to just stand there and tell me I’m not allowed to love you just because that’s what you expect out of me.” 

He didn’t realize what he had just said. And neither did you. The only ones who realized what Joel had just said, were the half awake birds on the treetops and the single pair of ears quietly listening from a far off window. 

You pressed your palm to your forehead, trying to will the headache away with the pressure. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Joel. I just-” 

Joel tried to come closer. His heart was turned up tonight, and between earlier, sitting on a way too low to the ground bed for his frame, running his hand soothingly over his what loose strands of hair splayed out from their ponytail as his little girl finally let that insufferably stubborn wall of hers fall down for once and cried into his lap. That everything that had finally brought them together was all based on a horrific lie that duped them both. Neither he nor her having any idea what to feel about it. 

It was too much for him, but nothing compared to the endless turmoil spinning behind Ellie’s eyes as they were laid out what this all truly was. Ellie had been through a lot, too much with him, but for once she let herself react the way she needed. She didn’t do anything, she shouldn’t be brave about it. 

Now he’s standing out in his front yard, watching you float around too many emotions for you to figure out what you even felt. Your voice wavering and how you kept stepping away if he came forward. To Joel, it was his own actions that brought this down on them, yet here you stood trying to force him to put every blame on you for just existing. 

“Can you just listen to me?” 

You wanted everything to stop, your lungs yelling at you and your vision feeling like it wanted to start spinning. “No, Joel-” 

His hands gestured uselessly in the air, “Why not?” hoping he didn’t sound angry, but sometimes he wasn’t quite aware enough to know how he was coming off to people. Especially if airing on the side of losing his temper. 

You told yourself not to cry, feeling a vile embarrassment if you cried in front of him right now. But your throat felt choked up, and barley managed to spit it out. “Because I don’t get it, Joel.” Everything in his face paused, taken back by what was about to spill out of your heart. 

“I don’t understand why you care. I’ve never understood it. I’ve done nothing but get in the way, and you keep just bringing me back when we both know your life would be a hell of a lot easier without me in it. I don’t understand why you keep me around or why you even like me. I just...I don’t get you.” 

Pressure build behind your eyes while the rest of you burned with humiliation. Being with Joel exposed parts of your soul that you never even thought to share with another, but the undeniable shake in your voice as you trailed off was twister of panic and tears that you tried to push down. Pretending it was anger. 

In anyone else, Joel would have taken it in a worse light. But the silence in him as he grappled with just how little you could see how he felt didn’t sit right inside him. He knew part of this between you both was somewhat new to you. What he didn’t know, is that in fact all of it was new to you. 

He was new in every way and now it all swirled on terrifying, your eyes staring at each other until you turned to go back in the house. In your frazzled mind, you hoped maybe Joel wouldn’t yell at you if you were inside. It felt different once you got there though. Countless houses you’ve walked into, abandoned, dilapidated, some in surprisingly good condition. Even your own small one in this very town. But something about being in Joel’s house felt different. Like a warmth spreading through your bones as you walked into the front door. 

Your palms sat flat against the back of the couch, trying to count how long your inhales were and focusing on the exhales. Slowly your heart tapered down, the walls around you stopped shrinking in as you hoped when your eyes opened once more the world would stop feeling like it was tumbling around you. 

Just seconds ago you felt like if Joel came anywhere close to you, that the weight of your emotions would implode on you. Yet as you heard Joel quietly following you into the house, you couldn’t help but follow where he was by the sounds he made as he walked in. 

It all just hit you too fast. Giving yourself no time to process so you chose the worst possible way to react. Too much of your lives were converging together and it kept brewing a storm that you once only had to deal with alone. Now there were actual people in your life who leaving would tear parts of you across the distances between them. The only life that had been in danger since you arrived was your own. Having the forces from yours come down to Joel wasn’t fair. He had no stake in this fight. 

He only did the one thing none of those people had the heart or the guts to do for another. And people like her had no right seeking out revenge for someone who wasn’t anywhere near close to what was toted around. Truly thinking about it, there was another person in this house who you know has his back too. 

Eyes opening you looked over to her closed door, this time at least knowing she asleep. Only time would heal what you finally had to expose her too. 

It was hypocritical of you, how the second two strong arms caged you in against the back of the couch, you leaned back into what you knew was Joel’s warm torso. He stepped in to press you closer to the couch so he could cover your hands with his, fingers linked as much as he could manage in this position. 

His chin rests on your shoulder as you both stand with the other against you, a quiet that is far more familiar and soothing then any kind of arguing. Joel must have been watching you, because as soon as you opened your eyes to speak, he leaned his mouth closer to your ear. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again.” 

Letting you go, Joel pressed himself more into your back as his hands decide to rest more comfortably on your hips. His nose pressed to your hair you nod in agreement. “Guess I’ve scared you enough, only a matter of time until it was my turn to get it.” 

Your fingers dug into the couch more, but you still leaned into his touch head tilting back at his every move, even though he always found his way back. “I’m not going to bother telling you not to be. We both know listening to me isn’t exactly your forte.” Joel smirking against the side of your head at your face instantly falling in a playful offence. “I need you to listen to me this time, though.” 

One arm slid across your stomach, almost as if he knew your hands were itching to hold onto him in some way. His hold pressing you against him further at the feeling of your nails scratching along his arm slightly. Your nod not enough for him, “Out loud.” 

His heartbeat was so much calmer then yours, clearly having taken his jacket off while your back was turned the single thin layers between you meant you could feel him with every breathe. “I’m listening.” 

Joel’s own eyes were off in the distance, staring at the table he could see through the door frame. The kind of nerves he saw on you felt like an echo of that night. So wrapped up in how sure he felt, that he forgot how unused to all this you were. Not used to the feelings that came with finding yourself so close to someone you didn’t expect too. 

He knew all to well what that was like. The girl he felt in his heart like a father to, laying everything out on the line for. Ellie could look back on that day and joke about it. Trying to make a scene over how mistreated she was anytime he made her do a chore she’d turn back with a hand over her head lambasting the time he so callously threw her entire body into a wall. “Like a piece of meat,” she’d go on like.

Being told she’s nothing but cargo to him, not knowing the pure terror the day he could have truly lost her in more vile ways then he wanted to ever imagine. How it wasn’t the only day either.  A small name he only ever felt pain even thinking about slipping from his lips as he looked at Ellie, unable to deny what they had become and just how deeply both of them wanted to hold onto the other.

It was different for you, but he knew whatever family you had wasn’t even present enough for you to care to share. Spending a lifetime outside any kind of walls or city with any form of order, not until you walked into town that day. You were still getting used to him, just as he had to do with Ellie. 

“Maybe in another life, this might go down differently. Ellie decides she doesn’t trust me, I get caught off guard, or by some miracle that doctor even had a fucking clue what he was doing.” Both his arm around you and hand on your hip squeezed tighter. “But that’s not going to happen. We have each other, sweetheart. All three of us. You don’t deserve to be dragged back into this shit. And I’m sure as hell not leaving this world for that son of a bitch thinking he had any right to cut her open for some cure that doesn’t fucking exist. Who didn’t give a second thought about murdering the one other kid in my life who has ever felt like a daughter to me.” 

You could feel the tensity in his muscles, wanting to turn around you tried to twist but Joel kept you in place. Pressing his lips to the back of your head. “He deserved exactly what you gave him, Joel.” Pausing your minds were both torn between two growing factions, one of which had to be dealt with before the other. “She’ll try to get the jump on us. Think I accidentally taught her the advantage of actually sneaking up on people.” 

Joel’s voice was such a deep and bassy rumble in your ear that you couldn’t help your eyes flutter at the sensation. “Then she tries sneaking up on us. You with me?” Nodding in his hold, he muttered “Good girl.” 

Oh he did that on purpose. As soon as your thighs tensed, Joel smirked into your hair. “Joel, we’re supposed to be making a plan- this isn’t fair.” 

His chuckle was closer to your neck as he traced his nose down your cheek and jaw. “You saying I can’t do both?” The hand around your stomach started tracing over you, the way you’d run your hands through his air he traced over your front. When you didn’t respond right away, Joel’s lips pressed one more kiss right under your ear before nudging you with his nose. “We don’t have to do anything, sweetheart. It’s hasn’t been an easy day. I just want to pull you out of that head of yours.” 

This time as you went to turn in his grip he let you. Your hands finding a home on his waist as he kept his back on your hips. His hair somehow just as light and fluffy now as it was when you woke up that morning. Coaxing you awake with his kiss as your hands found his still messy sleeping hair. 

It was just as lovely now, the yellow tinged lights making the greys highlight the rest of the colour that suited him so beautifully. His eyes treading on a darker lust, but instead of a greedy tinge there sat almost a need. Something softer that not even a year ago he thought he’d never even consider wanting anymore. “What is it you want, Joel?” 

Just like he didn’t expect this to be something he ever would want, he almost would never have guessed how easily you got him to open up to you. He’s not sure he’s ever been like this with a woman, even in his old life. 

But you held nothing but an innocent generosity in your eyes, and Joel wasn’t about to part ways with that either. “Call me needy,” leaning to your face his nose trailed along yours as your eyes slid shut. “But what I want, is to feel how warm and tight you are for a little while.” 

Joel read your body like a book, could feel in the smallest actions, the certain pitch of a tiny gasp or the way your body seemed to tense up and shiver at the same time. You always struggled to tell him what you wanted, but he was working you through that. Joel was perfectly happy to take care of you, typically because what he needed matched what you needed perfectly. 

And talking wasn’t always the easiest way to get either of you out of your heads. Joel trying to lull you into his touch when you still hadn’t let go yet. “But if she-” 

One hand tilting you up to his eyes again,”How many does she have with her, if you were to guess?”

If this was about Ellie, there was no way she’d be involved. She wasn’t apart of the group, and there weren’t many people who would follow her on a revenge quest for the father instead of towards the girl they thought they finally had in their possession. “Maybe one or two others, besides him.” Your head nodded in the general direction. “Probably looked at a few different areas. Couple other smaller communities in the state that they would have looked at first. Likely didn’t realize anything was wrong until Owen didn’t check back in. Maybe a day away from here or so.” 

Joel looked through you as he went over something in his head, you guess you still weren’t that good at reading him. Not knowing what plan he was going over. His eyes met yours finally, dipping down to your lips before slowly dragging them back up. “We’re bigger, means she’s got to be more careful. In other words, you can afford to let me have you for a couple hours. Dead man’s final request and all.” 

Your face fell flat along with a weight settling back down in your stomach. “That’s not funny.” 

He shrugged one shoulder, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Is it?” The unamused look on your face still tinged in anxiety had Joel switch gears again. He didn’t find anything funny in joking about you or Ellie that way, so maybe it was fair you didn’t find jokes about him funny either. “Hey, I already told you. I’m not going anywhere. None of us are.” 

Biting the inside of your cheek you shifted your eyes off to the side before nodding. Feeling Joel press another kiss to the side of your head as he shoved you towards the hall. “Go, I’ll be right there.” 

In his room and in the hall you both lingered on something. Your fingertips trailing over the almost insignificant things on his dresser. Tiny pieces of Joel that if he were gone, wouldn’t really belong there anymore. A thought making you sick to your stomach. You’d rather she come for you, at least they could go back to their regular lives. 

Joels own fingers flipping through the pages. Knelt down he quietly had pulled the journal from where it sat close on Ellie’s bed. He let her discover it, he already knew what it would say, just in details that actually mattered. 

She went through most of the reactions she could, denial, anger, lashing out before she exhausted herself leaving tears the only energy she had left in her. It tore his chest right open exposing his heart to the cold air. They were the monsters and not only did they want to kill him all for a man who tried to take his own girl’s life but now the delusional lies they told themselves left her feeling betrayed and used. 

But it wasn’t just her was it? By some miracle some higher power gave Joel not one, but two things in this nightmare to hold onto. Sometimes it was frustrating, watching you unable to believe what he wanted to give you, but then again he wasn’t much different with Ellie was he? 

Ellie pulled him out of a darkness, and Joel had no intention of not doing the same to you. And he knew damn well Ellie felt the same. 

Standing in his room, it occurred to you that maybe you should try to be sexy, allure Joel to you or anything like that. You felt stupid though even thinking about where to start or if he would just roll his eyes at you for trying.

The door closing knocked a sense into you, realizing maybe he wanted you to be ready by now you almost flinched back before starting to pull your shirt up. Two large hands however covered yours as he pressed himself behind you. “Doing my job for me.” 

Your arms went willingly Joel stopped to pull your bra up over you along with the shirt, dropping it down into a messy pile. He wasted no time in filling his hands up with your breasts, almost kneading the plush skin as your back arched into his chest with a breathless gasp. He didn’t want you like this though, he wanted all of you. 

Using his thumb and index finger he tugged slightly at both your nipples letting you choke a moan back as he moved onto the rest of you. His taller figure leaned over you, the once presumed glare narrowing his features now rung in your head as an introspective train of thought, determined in whatever task even with his arms wrapped around your front skillfully undoing the button on your pants. 

A shiver ran down your spine as his mouth bent to press a feather light kiss to your neck so he could reach lower, dragging the zipper down and grasp the waistline. Your shivering from the winters cold air still floating through the room, you felt your limbs tingle as he mumbled into your neck, “Be good for me.” 

Slowly starting to pull both your pants and underwear down, Joel couldn’t help his greed, pausing to squeeze fistfuls of your ass almost too roughly before continuing to pull them off of you. Before he could do anything else, once you stood bare in front of him, you turned in his hold quickly. 

Sudden movement catching him by surprise, it gave you enough time to already start undoing his belt and zipper. Joel’s own plans caught in his mouth at just how easily you made him so unbearably hard just at your small careful hands trying to pull out his cock before he even has properly touched you yet. 

He didn’t let you get as far as the faint beginning of you moving your fingers to grasp at his own pants before snatching your hands. Your eyes wide as he held them in the air, his eyes dark with a mocking disapproval. “Now what did I say about being good for me?” 

That tingle in your limbs spreading through your heart out into your veins as you bit slightly at your bottom lip at his tone. Your hands fell loose in his grip causing him to switch to approval. Maneuvering you so he now was the one with his back to the bed, he held you at your hips walking you over to the bed. 

“Now, are you going to let me do something for you? Something new?” Your eyebrows raised in question, unsure to what he meant. You thought at this point you had done mostly everything or at least knew everything. 

Living outside of the walls didn’t exactly foster an environment eager to share or teach the fun side of sex, or you know, it in general in your case. “I-yeah.” Boy, how enthusiastic of you. 

Joel only smiled softly though, pulling your chin in to press a soft kiss before pulling you onto the bed with him. Joel the one laying with his back on the sheets, he guided you so your core sat pressed right against the bumpiness that blocked his cock under the open belt. Large warm hands running over and squeezing the plush skin he could grab at watching you slip your fingers to smooth over his stomach under his shirt. 

“Come up here, sweetheart.” 

You both had two different intentions. One being you assuming he means for a kiss, the other using his strong arms to pull your hips off his clothed cock and up his body. Suddenly your soft touch against his skin turned into a much more urgent press against his chest, “Wait, wait-” Joel kept you in place, but his eyes narrowed in concern at your tone. Your question confusing him somewhat. “What are you doing?” 

His tone slow and clear as he worry turned to a bit of confusion. “I’m just trying to taste you, sweetheart. Just like always,” 

Your fingers pressed into him more, causing him to sit up slightly as you looked hesitant and even somewhat embarrassed. “But why would I-” Your eyes casted down at anywhere but his face as you put the not so complicated clues together. “Why would you want it that way? Instead of you know, like we usually...” Christ you couldn’t possibly feel less attractive currently.

Joel raised an eyebrow, letting your hips back down without moving you away, his hands now smoothing over your thighs. “Because I really want my mouth on this pussy, sweetheart.” 

Your body tensed which he didn’t like at all. “Why would you, I mean wouldn’t you find that...” You hesitated on saying gross, having a feeling that wouldn’t be a word to go over well. “...uncomfortable?”

Joel’s hands squeezed your thighs as his head flopped back down onto the pillow. Unable to stop wondering what kind of encounters you had out there. You genuinely just didn’t know what he was trying to do, looking at him in the most confused innocent way he’s ever seen on you. “Jesus fucking christ, you’re going to kill me.” Barely mumbling under his breathe. Sitting up properly, he maneuvered you into his lap. “We don’t have to do it, but I really fucking want to.” 

Your hands tapping at his shoulders, you seemed to drop some of the embarrassment leaving just an uncertainty. “I just don’t get why you’d want to..can’t I just suck your cock?” 

Joel’s head dropping down onto your shoulder as he mumbled even more. Sliding his hand between your bodies, he felt a trace of your wetness, using what he could touch to slide up and rub into your clit. “We can do that if you want. Or we can do both at the same time.” 

This time you smiled, pulling back with a laugh as he joined keeping you from going too far off in his hold. “Okay that sounds even worse for you.” 

He let you get away with it this time. Joel pulled you into his lips, sighing as you let his tongue tease and slide into your mouth as he kissed you. The push and pull of his tongue against yours sending shock waves between your legs adding to what you already knew was making a mess. His kiss and his tongue always making you so lightheaded. 

Taking advantage of how lost you got in his kiss, Joel suddenly lurched forward, sending your back to fall against the rest of the bed as he crawled over top of you. Your hands finding their way to rake through his hair as he kissed you more. 

Joels hands unable to choose a spot to touch you, from your hips to thighs and back to to teasing your nipples, he tucked his head into your neck once more as he kissed the skin there. 

One hand of your leaving his hair, trailing down his broad back to his narrower lower side before sliding under to gently take his cock into your hand. His hands gripping his preexisting hold on your nipples tighter as he groaned. Joel covering your body so much made the angle not easy, but you ran your thumb over hips tip already leaking onto your hand. 

In a move that actually caused Joel’s body to jump, you suddenly smoothed your palm all over the tip of his cock, smearing the precum over it before sliding it down the length you could reach. Enough precum on you to fill the air with the slick sounds of his skin with each stroke. Joel moaned into your neck before trying to smother it with biting a mark into it. He was too long and too thick to cover enough even half of his cock, but your grip was tight and strokes fast but steady. 

Yanking your head to angle for his mouth, you gripped him tighter in pleasure at how his hold on your hair was so commanding.  Biting against your lips this time until you whined in need of a breathe. The feeling of his lips sliding across your cheek to right against your ear. “I want this pussy, not your hand.” 

Sliding own he pushed your thighs out to spread enough for his size. Giving you no warning for how quickly he moved his mouth over your clit. His hands never letting go of your spread legs with a bruising strength, his was shameless in how sloppy he was. Licking at your clit only to almost kiss it as he would your actual lips. The same soaked licks moving down to tease at your entrance, to your clit and back. 

One hand roughly shoved its way to your mound, pressing the heel of his calm into your clit soaked with you and his own saliva and rubbed short quick strokes. As one knee bent with your gasp, Joel used his free hand to greedily hold the soft skin of your waist before licking into you feverishly. 

Your back arched off the bed as a shock stabbed through you, sending a fiery pleasure into every stretch of your nerves. He licked into you with no cohesive pattern or approach, just drinking from you like a man starved for only one need. His rubbing into your clit lost in your wetness form how little he moved away from it, but deep in Joel he knew the slight burn of drier friction on your clit yanked cries from you. 

Your orgasm suddenly hit you with a force, “Oh fuck, Joel-” A white hot train flowing from your clit and soaked right into Joel who only added to the feeling as he moaned into your pussy. His grip already so tight he’d be able to see bruises once he was done with you. 

He never let up, “Fuck, baby.” Mumbling to himself as he licked more inside of you, letting his hand slide down to gather more from your core he realized just how unbelievably soaked you were. His tongue grazing up against a sensitive wall inside of you, he gave you zero time to calm down. 

The wet rubs of two fingers against your clit, harsh pushing and tight strokes the wet sounds filling the air alongside how relentless he tasted you. Your hands tightly grasping the sheets just above your head as your whole lower half arched closer to his mouth. 

Your heart beat widely out of your chest as the pleasure coiled inside of you without ever letting you recover from the sudden burst of your first orgasm. Your legs shook as he kept them bent by the knee, feet flat on the sheets as they were spread as far as he could manage. 

You didn’t even realize when one hand left your hip, his grip so tight it held a phantom sting in its departure. Joel’s own hips lifting up enough to start shoving his jeans down as far as he could manage without leaving your cunt. 

The groan vibrating through your body as he finally was free down to his knees and pressed his cock into the sheets adding to whatever mess he was pulling from you. You didn’t have words this time, just high pitched gasps and desperate attempts at his name that were interrupted by sharp jolts of pleasure almost bordering on pain. 

The flying burn of your orgasm this time felt like a flood passing the bloodstream. A needing warmth engulfing you as the white noise in your ears turned out whatever was passing by Joel’s lips. You missed it the first time, and now the second time. 

Joel didn’t realize it either. He knew exactly the feeling and why it made him take you with such a lack of control but neither of you were in the state of mind that night to hear it. 

You had just barley felt the final shocks of pleasure as Joel pulled from you. His face twisted close to a snarl as he impatiently pulled his jeans off the rest of the way. Grabbing the back of his shirts collar and throwing it beyond sight. 

His chest leading to such a soft stomach made his thick cock stand out between his legs. You touched the skin over his chest near his heart, but Joel couldn’t handle such a soft touch. Not right now. He couldn’t lay there and let himself feel your gentleness without something in his heart snapping. Instead, Joel yanked up your hips and sunk his cock into your folds. 

Your name moaned from his mouth, “Fuck, don’t- oh fuck.” You hadn’t come down yet, aftershocks of your orgasm overwhelmed your system as you felt his thick cock sliding into you. Clenching around him without trying to tease, you were still soaking his cock from your orgasms. 

Joel buried his face into your neck. One hand fisted into the sheets beside your head as he closed his eyes. Your arms wrapped around his neck, you paused mid motion as your rang your hands through the ends of his hair as one arm wrapped around your waist to keep himself tucked inside you but strong enough to keep you from moving. 

It actually took a bit before Joel tempered whatever aggression was overwhelming him. He wanted to do this for you, but now your touch, your cunt, your soft lips always speaking and pressing so sweetly against his? It tugged at his heart just as much as he took over all of your senses. 

The grip on your hair tempered down to cupping the back of your head. Joel moving to consume you in a less rough kiss, but the damage was already done to your swollen bitten lips. The plumpness just like his own without the greedy teeth markings. 

Your heart slowing down, but somehow still hard enough to feel in your chest at his touch. Joel pulled away, tracing his nose along yours. “Turn around for me, sweet girl.” 

Joel gently shushing comfortingly at you at your whine when he pulled out. But you complied. Joel’s mouth was open, panting as his hands clenched beside him watching you go willingly move to your hands and knees. But that’s not the closeness either of you truly needed. 

You sighed at how much more gentle his touch was, moving you up to kneel your back against his chest just like earlier. His cock slid between your thighs, already soaked as it teased between your folds. “Just like that, I’ve got you.” 

One of your arms reaching behind to find a tender home in his now messy hair, while the other laid flat against the arm wrapping around your stomach. “Please,” You leaned your head against his shoulder as Joel rubbed your stomach and hip with his free hand. His brown eyes bright and so much less of a dark lust, replaced with a soft almost desperateness. “I want to feel you. Please? I can still take it, I just want you inside of me.” 

You felt so one note in your brain, but Joel dealt the killing blow when he pressed his lips to yours. Not rough, or commanding, just soft kisses that he struggled to part from. Finally moving to grip his cock, he pulled away and turned your head to look down. 

Joel slid his cock inside of you, not spending a moment to stop and let you adjust to his size. Just one smooth stroke that didn’t thrust into you too fast until you were sat totally full of his cock. “Always slide so well into you,” 

Your eyes squeezing shut at the sight, his cock was so thick watching it slide deep inside you was too much to handle. Your head leaned back against him, lungs stuttering at how drastic he was handling you now compared to mere minutes ago. 

Joel held you tightly against him, burying his face into your neck and shoulder as he started to finally slide his cock almost out of you. Your whimper at the prospect of him leaving you empty poking at something distressing in your mind. 

You weren’t sure he ever kept up a pace this slow. Your pussy so tight and wet around his cock, making the sounds of him pulling and pushing his cock in and out so much louder. How much you’ve already cum so much more obvious as he moaned into your shoulder. 

You couldn’t tell anyone how long you were there. Knelt back against his chest as his cock fucked into you, not even hard enough to call it thrusting. Your chest felt so constricted yet filed with a warmth that would be cozy if his cock wasn’t sliding right up against such a sensitive wall inside of you. 

Inside of you this time the coil was just a slow and calm. But the addition of how tight he already pushed your orgasm too had this build up flutter around you. It just slipped from your lips, the brave face you tried to fake in front of him, in front of everyone crumbled with his squeezing hands and slow slide of his cock inside of you. Something deep in your heart plead. “Stay with me, please. God, Joel- stay with me.” 

Your eyes were shut and Joels arms held you tighter. His jaw clenching, teeth gritted as his breaths came out in rasping pants. He pressed his lips into your neck and whatever part of your jaw he couch reach. “Always, sweet girl. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. “

Even as his cock throbbed inside of you as your walls clenched around him, as the burning orgasm threatened to overtake you once more, it all mixed together as you just whispered his name. The drag of his cock along the sensitive walls of your cunt pushed tears from your eyes. 

Gasps and breathless pleas let go of the stinging tears behind your eyes and cried down your cheeks as one final loud and wet push of his cock inside of you had whatever hold you had on him dig your nails into his skin. 

Your orgasm pulling a gasping sob from you. Just one, but loud enough in Joel’s ears to cover your mouth as your pleasure sung into his hand. Joel couldn’t take it any longer. His cock so desperate to burst, he moaned into your neck and finally came.

Your pussy fluttering around him, as his cum spilled inside of you. Thick and to both of you, never ending. He came inside of you more then he could remember, filling you with warm cum that didn’t stop the tears of your need. 

By the time you both came down, you had dropped more then Joel had thought. Your eyes barley open, as your struggled to catch your breathe. Weak nods to his questions, asking if you were with him, what you needed, weak thank yous to him just saying how perfect you fit him. 

He shushed in your ear when he pulled out, never letting both hands off of you and his lips somewhere close to yours. You both laid in bed for a while, both your bare, sweat covered bodies, your lower half a little more wet with cum then what he didn’t bother cleaning from his cock. He held you with his nose pressed into your hair waiting for you to come down before he even thought of getting up to clean you off. 

Your mind was fuzzy and your face felt the aftermath of tears but none of it had any regret. Your eyes were closed, fine with coming down in his arms as you faced one another. Slowly ready to peel your eyes open, you noticed he wasn’t at your eye level, his face in your hair. His breathing enough confirmation he hadn’t fallen asleep. 

You burned between your legs, the mix of rough and soft kept the memory of his thick throbbing cock inside of you. You knew you were covered in cum between your thighs but you didn’t have any reason to want to get rid of it anytime soon. 

You did however ask to do something Joel ignored. Smirking, you suddenly left his gentle pressed arms, down his body. He flipped onto his back reflexively to see what you were doing, before hissing out. 

Licking the tip of his cock before sinking down around the rest. His cock now soft but it still was coated in your orgasm and his cum. Joels moans were stuttering and needy as he cupped the back of your head, still bobbing up and down his length sucking him until his chest was ready to explode. He called your name in warning along with more strings of swearing through hissed teeth, “Jesus fucking christ, baby”, but you already were slowing down the second it bordered too overwhelming for him. 

Your mouth sliding down to press your nose into the coarse dark hair around his cock, before very slowly sliding back, making sure his cock didn’t leave you until you had sucked him clean. Only fair he gets even the slightest idea of how overstimulated he so greedily made you.

Sliding him gently out of your mouth you went to come back up to his level. Your hand cupped his soft length now resting between his legs before your palm moving to his stomach. Chest, and the cupping the side of his face as you rubbed your thumb along his facial hair.

Joel chuckled deeply in his chest, pulling your face to his with fingers pulling your chin as he kissed you. Pushing you back into the sheets with half his body over you as you shared a gentle kiss. “You are such a goddamn brat.” 

You smiled back, letting his tongue tease yours as you tried to find breathes into between the kiss. “Maybe. Just for you though.” 

He nuzzled his nose against yours then pressed a kiss to it. He didn’t say it, he so badly wanted to say it but so much of his emotions came out in times like this. He wanted to tell you in quiet peace, make sure you understand your heart belongs to him for the rest of his life. Telling you now, he didn’t want to risk you thinking it was just to keep you calm or not upset. 

Neither of you realizing he’s already said it twice this very evening. 

Only one of those times did it reach someones brain, but to their dismay, it was neither of you who even heard what came out of his own mouth. 

You spoke quietly into the night. Joel on his back as he kept his arms around you to rest on his chest. Sometimes you sat up enough to look at him properly, ensuring you both understood the plans, backup plans, and what might be the safest option. At least for in his home, in a town of innocent people. 

You needed Joel, but Joel needed you like he never even wanted from anyone else before. The concept of a deep need in his heart to keep a woman like you close in his arms like a lifeline would have been foreign not long ago. But then again, meeting Ellie changed a lot about what was going on in Joel’s head and heart. 

You took your time joining the two of them that morning. Still balancing intruding on what was no doubt an emotional time between those two, and wondering exactly what Ellie would even see you as. 

Joel for his part was as normal as possible, with an underlying closeness both he and Ellie stuck to each other with with a different kind of silent intensity. You did tell him your news would be the actually hurtful one. Ellie stopped moving her fork the second you turned the corner, a stare that almost felt judging but the slightest softening as she sniffed and forced her face impassive. 

Sensing Joel watching her carefully, Ellie glanced up at his flat expression with one eyebrow raised. Her own face falling just as flat. “What? I already used my crying quota for the week. And I’m not getting it all over my eggs either.” 

It wasn’t enough to jostle her, but Joel nudging the side of her head lightly before sharing a more serious glance with you. His eyes nodded over to a drawer in the counter, watching you for as long as he could follow. Neither of you wanting to make a scene about it in front of Ellie. 

Watching the their backs as you silently wrapped the your knife sheath around your waist, quickly covering it purposely with one of Joel’s jackets that sat just blow it on your thigh. He had taken it upon himself to sharpen your usual knife for you, not before stopping of course to comment on how shit it looked. Words of praise towards your equipment he was full of. 

You had found yourself alone with Owen when Joel was distracted. Ellie prompted out of the house from a Maria that gave Joel a knowing look. He had stopped by earlier to talk to them, and she agreed to keep Ellie out with her, purposely around a decent amount of people. 

A spark of need inside your heart telling you that he at least deserved water. He didn’t say much, but his eyes spoke for him. A surprise at being given any hospitality. 

Almost ending up giving him an entire bottle, you watched him with one hand hovering somewhat near his face. Looking between the water and his face, you tilted your head as you considered if you were willing to ignore the part of you that people like him tried to deprive you of. “If I take that off of you,” using your free hand to gesture to his gag, “Are you going to stay quiet?” 

Owen seemed exhausted, nodding his head almost lazily as your chest raised in a deep breathe. “You make any noise, this time I’m just going to stuff it right into your mouth.” There wasn’t much in the way of conviction in your voice, but as you slowly untied the gag he made no sound aside from catching his breath. 

Flipping the bottle against the cloth, you let it soak for a while on the cleanest side where it sat at the back of his head. 

Silence, Joel was used too. He lived in it, too much of it for a long time even. Even through the turmoil in his head, the quiet still helped him stay clear. Listening to any hint of a sound and knowing how to react to it. 

Probably why he didn’t search for you when he found himself seemingly alone in the house. If he had one distraction it was you, and an unshakable need to make sure he could hear or see your every step. The past few weeks had really set that tendency in motion. But he needed silence. And he heard it break. 

Getting the jump on him outside in the world was one thing, but this was his territory. Somewhere he could sense the slightest thing out of place. Joel just raised two hands slightly in the air. He knew it could be a variety of possibilities behind him, so he played ball. For now. “You really think I can’t tell when someone’s in my own home?”  

“Just turn around. Slowly.” 

Joel expected something not quite what he saw. Dark eyes and angry, willing to do anything for that ravaging vengeance inside. But no. The woman behind him wasn’t quite that. As if it was what she wanted to put on but there was an uncertainty in her eyes that made him narrow his. Her face was tense, looking over him with her arm outstretched as much as she could. Either keeping the gun as close to him as possible, or wanting to keep as much distance from him. 

“You live here?” 

Joel’s eyes darkened more at the woman. “You sure don’t.” 

“Just answer the question, you live here right? With a girl? Fucking, what’s her name, Ellie?” 

Sometimes anger worked in favour of the advantage, but not against him. Joel mastered the art of anger as motivation and there wasn’t a single second ever again did he want any of her kind of people saying that girls name. His face steeled at her, hands up almost just for show at this point. “Keep her name out of this. I think we both know who you’re looking for.” 

A realization dawned on her, and it only pissed her off that much more that he was having no reaction of fear. “You’re him right?” Joel cocked an eyebrow but nothing more. “The hospital, that was you right? You’ve got the girl, after everything you’ve done I can’t imagine you’d dump her off somewhere. People usually don’t ditch people they’ve murdered innocent people for.” 

Her own teeth started to grit as she spat her words out with eyes no doubt growing red. “You in the habit of cutting open a fucking child and calling yourself a good person for it?” 

Shaking her head, Joel could hear how hard she was trying to keep her breathing under control, her fingers on the gun twitching slightly and not from any kind of trigger fingers. “No right, you had no fucking right he was a goddamn person-” 

Joel’s hands started to lower, and yet it didn’t make her any more confident. The twitch turned into what looked like her hand shaking. “And she’s my daughter.” 

She shook her head, eyes falling in darkness to something much more complicated. “So what you get your daughter and I have to loose my own father for it? Fucking..people like you...” 

No doubt this was a plan much more confident in theory, because Joel risked a step forward as his face twisted more into something of anger she took a step back. Readjusting her aim with an unsteady arm. 

“Put your hands back up,” 

They remained just barley by his sides, “You think I’m gonna reach for something? ‘Cus trust me you even think about pulling that trigger and I’ll make sure you regret it.” 

Whatever laugh she let out was weak, but the tense look one could mistaken for crazed told a thousand different emotions. “I’m not stupid, I know you don’t have a fucking weapon on you.” 

The one he thought was in the room wasn’t. Getting caught off guard by her after getting caught off guard by it’s lack of presence. Ellie didn’t always put things in the right place after she tries to sneak them away. His voice was low, even, and absolute that it made her hair stand on end. “You really think I need a gun to kill you?” 

You don’t remember Grady being particularly smart. Loyal, good at following orders but missing the basic function of checking a corner. Crouching as he snuck into the room, he could see Owen knelt on the floor, blood on his face, chest, hands and a swollen eye as even his gag was blood soaked. What he didn’t see was you. 

One arm suddenly wrapped around his face, the fabric of it’s jacket shoved to muffle his voice as the other hand pressed a cold metal to the bottom of his head right at his chin. Unlike the shaky arm holding a similar gun at Joel, you had the advantage of having yours at least pressed right against the mans head. Grady didn’t feel the shake in your bones behind the straining muscle. 

Moving him closer to the open door, your heart pounded so harshly that you could throw up from the shaking pressure it put on you. You could hear her yelling, and a dangerously low cadence from Joel, but she was getting louder and angrier. 

And while you had this one and a knife strapped to your side, Joel’s gun sat tucked behind your back only realizing whoever touched it last, didn’t put it where Joel had clearly expected to grab it before being snuck up on. 

He was bigger, stronger then her. But if she shot first then it didn’t matter how much Joel could overpower her. She was yelling more, and so did your limbs shake. You were supposed to help have this under control, but she was looking for blood and Joel’s own gun wasn’t in his hand. 

“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t shoot you dead right now you fucking bastard-” Joel must have said something in response, “Her dad for my dad it’s only fair,” 

You couldn’t stand there, you couldn’t let him deal with her on his own. You push an already aggressive dog to the edge, then she’s just going to go for the throat because she can. Plan B it was. Despite not knowing what that entailed. 

A hallway door was kicked open, and following right out was a man Joel didn’t recognize but by the confused anger on her face, she did. Deep down Joel wished the voice was Tommy. There was no hesitation the man could handle himself, and didn’t make Joel feel cold and petrified at having to involve you in this more. 

But you rang a warning shot at a higher part of the wall that had the woman jump in startle. What followed though, was a reaction that in a way reminded him of you. Likely an ironic association, because all that it took was you yell out who you were. Her eyes widened as the hand pointed right at Joel trembled. A washing devastation that surpassed mere surprise, something she didn’t expect and neither had Owen.

The man on the floor pressed himself up against the wall in fear as did a new unsettling emotion come over the woman in front of Joel. But you piled onto something that just dug deeper, 

Your voice almost a shout that shook in what Joel felt in his heart a terrified urgency. “You know who I am Abby, and what I’ll do to Owen and Grady if you don’t bring Joel to me.”

Whatever intimidation she felt from a man she considered a monster, Abby’s entire being shook. Her gun was on Joel but she could barley keep her eyes on him or on Grady just looking at her desperately for help. This wasn’t a normal fear, almost one that was like seeing a ghost she could only hear.

Her yell back was a rasping screech as she morphed her features into too much to keep up with. “You do anything, and I swear to god-” She’d what? Shoot the man in front of her and set you lose on her? 

You needed to scare her. Swallow the dizzying sickness in your head and the bile from eating at your chest. You couldn’t take the chance of her first instinct to act at Joel before you did hers. 

You shook as you pointed the gun at Grady, but you were hidden behind the wall from her sight, and the sting in your eyes couldn’t be used against you. Blood splattered all over the wall behind Grady's head, the booming shot and painted red had Abby flinch back. 

Joel didn’t move. A deep seeded anger at who his life was at the expense of burned his soul, but he didn’t dare risk letting it happen. If Abby was going to shoot, it sure as hell wouldn’t be at him or his own.

In barley a second, you holstered the gun so quick it could have missed and dropped to the floor. The knife at your side flew into your hand, gripping tight as you hauled Owen over in front of you, your knife pressed so much to his throat he made the most inaudible squawks of protest at the sharpness. 

Hauling him up partially on his feet, you pressed with better leverage. “Your boys next Abby- give him to me,” Your voice yelled, so loud it scratched your throat at the strain. It was violent and angry, and you only wished it made you feel it too. Instead you stood, braced against the wall with a knife keeping Owens battered self in your threat as your soul kept shaking and holding back the sting in your eyes. 

Abby’s jaw clenched as she swore, her yell echoing down the halls. “Fuck- okay.” 

It was the only choice for you and her. She wanted Owen back, and you needed Joel. A conflict in her eyes as she looked between the man now slumped over in the hall, and the darkness in a pair of eyes she never truly prepared herself to face properly. 

Abby’s eyes peeled off the sightless body to the open air between it and the door. “We make a trade. I bring him to you, I get Owen back and we leave. Got it?”

You looked to the side, knowing nothing was out the view you could see out the door anyways. “You touch him in anyway and I slit this throat. Got it?” 

One request was shouted back. “Toss the gun.” 

It wasn’t even a second later the gun banged far out on the wooden floor. You it turned out, weren’t the only one with a shaking fear of losing their companion. There wasn’t a soul in that house didn’t radiate that very perilous fear. Joel looked at Abby with his features sharp and penetrating. Her other hand having to rise up and join her hold on the gun just to keep it aimed at him. “This isn’t over you understand me?” 

Abby didn’t appear to know what scared her more. The threat of death you held at Owens throat, or just how terrifyingly cold Joel’s unblinking expression didn’t move from. This was supposed to be easy, kill some guy who shot her father for no reason. But standing here, motioning for him to walk slowly towards the hall? It was made clear that you and Joel weren’t regular people, and this was exposing itself to be something she didn’t remotely prepare for.

It felt like agony standing there, each creak of the floorboard screaming in the terse silence the only indication of life. Owen’s blood was seeping into your clothes and staining your skin at this point and there was next to nothing holding back the pressure behind your eyes. 

You wanted to be someone else. Someone brave, a person others would look at and say is some kind of fighter, someone a kid like Ellie would amusingly call a bad ass. But you stood holding a man at knife point trading his life for the man you love didn’t make you feel brave. Just scared. Scared beyond whatever danger you had been alone in the past, and sick to your stomach that it took up until now for you to feel brave enough to even think that word. 

They were outside the door, but you shook. Grip on the knife so tight you might have started hurting your own palm with the tight grip as you were hurting Owen’s neck with the blade. The bravery wasn’t even in your voice. “Joel first.” 

“Show me him. Let me see him.” 

You were done paying any kind of hero or savior. Instead just tearing the knife away and shoving Owen enough that he stumbled onto the ground. Hands behind his back still too bound to steady him. 

Joel was handed over first. Whatever passed between them unknown to you until a tidal wave hit your heart as you both reached for the other the second he came in view. Joel’s own expression harsh, nostrils flared as his rage was barley contained in his bones. His warm hands gripping your forearms as he looked at a watering overflow of something grander then fear pass your face as you looked him over for anything hurt. 

He cupped one of your cheeks as you took a deep breathe. Joel’s eyes narrowed in question, and you nodded. Hoping the shaking breathe you let you was only audible to one. His hand keeping your touch as it wasn’t leaving one of your wrists, almost keeping your mind back at his side as you turned the corner. 

Neither of you looked like the visage of bravery your actions spoke. Neither of you even tried. Abby’s eyes widened with a taken back sort of shock as she looked at you. A name she kept hearing and denying, but your face that of what she long remembered as a memory. A bite sharp on your arm before watching your gun raise as she fell back to the ground. 

She lived, and kept trying to deny that you could have either. But you both looked at each other, as she held her own gun to you. Resting one side against the door frame just to keep it steady, while your own hand kept the knife painfully tight. 

Joel stood behind you, and you felt him pull up your jacket slightly, resting the fabric to expose what you had hidden away behind you. Abby was staring at you and you back, she didn’t even see Joel’s hands moving near your back. 

Her words slurred together, teeth bordering on gritting from the force. “Give him to me.” 

Joel squeezed your arm holding the knife. Don’t move was his touch. Abby’s gaze continued to plaster all over you, and yours taking her person in, in a capacity she couldn’t possibly even guess now. Blood ringing in your ears hearing the shuffling behind you. Abby kept it on you now, a woman much more a fighter unable to tear her attention away from how entangled your lives became. 

Your own eyes stung. Unable to move or blink, looking at the very thing that confused you. Was her being here what scared you, or how very real losing the one thing that brought you to a purpose was becoming? 

As soon as Joel slightly pushed Owen, Abby snatched him with one arm and yanked him to her side, Owen barley keeping himself up despite his hands now free. Joel having undone them bringing him over. But as soon as he was out of his hand, he reached for your back once more. His arm smoothly pulling the gun, and now aiming it at Abby. She didn’t just try to kill him, now she had her gun pointing at you and it was pushing Joel to an edge he was close to forcing you to let him fall off. 

His instincts were quicker then hers, and he dared her to end it the smarter way, as opposed to joining the mess on the walls behind her. 

Her eyes flickered between the two of you, mind racing with questions not even she could understand at that moment. You weren’t supposed to be here, this wasn’t even about you. Blind to what kind of people she walked in on, she just looked at you and Joel unable to land on what to do. 

You could feel something vile rising in your throat, just as unable to grasp what was unfolding in front of you. Abby had no right to make this about Joel. Either she knew the truth and lost herself beyond the capacity of her own humanity, or she was left in the dark and didn’t care to turn the lights on herself. A fact you couldn’t feel okay with. Your voice was mostly just a whisper once you found the strength to push something forward. “This is really just about your father?” 

You didn’t need to hear the answer to that. You already knew by a confused pain in her eyes. Not understanding what else this could possibly be over. To her it was almost a taunt, her failure she was able to see through, but to you? A memory that no longer felt pushed away. A truth that was fighting tooth and crawl to attack you at your door. 

Owen leaned against her exhausted and bloody. Lowering her gun she glanced down to your arm, it was covered and there was nothing to see though. Remaining you a ghost. 

Her gaze flicked to Joel’s own aim, no shake or tremble to be found. Don described nothing more then some guy had done it, but the inflamed emotions boiling behind Joel’s eyes wasn’t the story she had been sold on. So they ran. Slamming open a back door you not to long ago ran out of just as harshly, also running from these very people but for drastically different reasons. 

 You didn’t register Tommy or Maria coming in, you only had the capacity to feel Joel pull you into his chest. One arm wrapped tightly around your stomach as you finally leaned back into him. Your eyes squeezing shut, you felt Joel gently take your knife from your fingers and put it back in it’s sheath as he spoke to Tommy. 

You grabbed the wrist that wasn’t around you, holding it just as he did when he first came back to you still needing him to ground you to the floor. These weren’t two worlds ever meant to mix. This was supposed to be a solace for him and a breather for you, but you combined your lives and now stood a mess painted with the looming of blood.

Was this your fault? And if not why couldn’t you have done something to actually end this? 

You thought back to the night you and Joel opened up to each other. How the worst emotion you felt was finding out how Tommy blabbed about your feelings for him by the very man you had the such a humiliating crush on. How letting him in was so scary to you back then. 

Would all of this have happened anyways? Or was letting him kiss you that night, pull you into his arms and he yours forever entangling your hearts in ways new to both of you the catalyst? 

If this was all your fault, would Joel end up despising you for not fixing this? 

[jimmyssnuggs]

Can you do a Gabe imagine pls? Can it be a childhood friend's trope pls?

For as long as you could remember, Gabe Perreault had been a constant in your life. You had met in first grade, the curly haired boy coming up to you, with your tiny pigtails, and insisting he sat next to you. What came next was a friendship that had only grown stronger as each year passed.

You went to every hockey game of Gabe’s that you possibly could, and tagging along on each other's family vacations.

You weren’t sure when things shifted, but ever since you had arrived at Boston College for freshman year, something had been different. A good, but also scary different.

Seeing girls flirt with him makes her sick now. A year ago, she would’ve given him a thumbs up and a smile as encouragement, but now she can’t stomach it.

——

It’s a Friday night, and instead of going out to a party, you’re sitting in Conte Forum, watching Gabe’s hockey game, just like every weekend they have a home game. You’re his so-called ‘Good Luck Charm’, deemed when the one game you didn’t go to ended in a loss for Boston College.

Ever since then, you were to be present at every Boston College hockey game, with Gabe’s jersey on, per order of him, Ryan, and Will.

You make your way over to the locker game to see Gabe, like every time. Media is done, and Gabe should be walking out the door any minute now.

“Y/N!” Ryan shouts, running over to you. You spot the familiar brown curls walking behind him, and your stomach flips. “Did you see my goal? It was so sick, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it was cool.” You respond halfheartedly, meeting Gabe’s eyes. Ryan shoots you a knowing look, but you swat him.

“Gabe-o!” You shout, throwing your arms around him. His arms go around your waist, steadying the both of you. Butterflies erupt in your stomach. “You looked like a rockstar out there!”

“Thank’s Y/N/N. You brought us good luck, just like I said you would,” His arms are still around your waist, and the butterflies are multiplying rapidly. “The team and girlfriends are going to the bar tonight, you in?” He looks down at you, and you look up at him.

“Sounds fun. I should probably change out of this though, put on something nicer.” You point down at the jersey.

“Oh, you don’t wanna wear my jersey to the bar?” He mocks fake hurt, his million dollar smile spreading across his face.

“I don’t think this exactly screams ‘bar attire’, so I’m gonna have to say no.” You giggle.

“Fair enough. We can swing by your dorm and then head over.”

“Perfect.”

——

The bar is crowded, and Gabe has a tight grip on your hand, in order to not lose you. He’s deep in conversation with Ryan, while you are talking to Ryan’s girlfriend who’s leaning up against him.

You chose not to drink tonight, instead having a diet coke with lime. Someone needs to make sure that everybody finds a safe ride home tonight.

Gabe is not drinking either, figuring you’re gonna need help with rounding up everyone and getting them back.

“Have you told Gabe you liked him?” Ryan’s girlfriend speaks a little too loudly. She’s drunk, and you can’t blame her. Ryan’s eyes widen, and you squirm out of Gabe’s hold.

“Oh, um, look at the time. I should go.” You all but sprint out of the bar, ignoring Gabe’s shouts behind you.

“Y/N, Y/N, wait!” He shouts, but they fall to deaf ears.

“Gabe, go back to the bar. Your teammates need you,” You yell back, not losing your fast pace. But Gabe is faster, and he lifts you off the ground, despite your feet flailing around. “Put me down, now!”

“Sorry, can’t. Not until you stop yelling at me.”

“Please, spare me the embarrassment. You can never speak to me again, just don’t laugh at me.”

“Was she telling the truth? Do you like me?”

It’s a heat of the moment decision, but you decide it’s now or never. Surging forward, your lips meet his, and his hands fall to your waist, pulling you oh so close. It feels like magic; like a years worth of lingering feelings finally coming to a crash in the best way possible.

“Does that answer your question?”

“Yeah, it does.” He goes in for another, hands still on the small of her back to keep them both steady. It feels right, and nothing else could make either of you happier.

[s-sturn]

𖥔 SLUT!

summary: Matt ends up reuniting with his ex-girlfriend, making some feelings come back to the surface, but he was already dating Y/N.

warnings: cheating, kissing, sad, crying, ANGSTT!, there’s no happy ending, cursing, threats!!

part 2 (coming soon…)

masterlist!

THIRD PERSON POV

Matt walked the streets of Boston, taking Trevor for a walk.

He hummed small songs, until he bumped into someone very recognisable, Leah, his ex-girlfriend.

The brunette was in a relationship, but the feelings his heart felt when he hit his eyes on the blonde-haired girl was an emotion he never felt with Y/N.

The two started talking a lot, exchanged numbers and scheduled to leave to see each other again. As the week Y/N went by, he realized that Matt was on his phone a lot, laughing, and ended up forgetting his own girlfriend.

The brunette felt upset during the days she saw seeing Matt, who practically didn't care about Y/N. As the weeks went by, Matt started to leave the house a lot, something that was not normal for the boy, after all he hated to leave the house.

The light-eyed boy never let Y/N, who was his own girlfriend touch his phone again, which made the girl very suspicious of it, after all, Matt was never like that.

This weekend, Y/N would go again to the house of the triplets, at this time the brunette and Chris were extremely close, and this was good for the girl who overnight stopped receiving attention from her boyfriend, who before wiped her tears and today is the cause of them.

Matt had invited Leah to go to the boy’s house, which was dangerous, but the two did the same way.

The blonde entered hidden inside the triplet house, the fact was that Matt forgot that Y/N would also be there. As always, Y/N went up the stairs going to greet her boyfriend, if she could call him that. But when he opens the door he is faced with the scene that broke his heart, Matt kissed his ex-girlfriend on his bed.

━━ What the fuck is that? ━━ Y/N's voice came out crying, while the girl looked disappointed at the boy, as well as his brothers.

━━ Y/N! Fuck! I can explain! ━━ Matt quickly walked away from Leah running after Y/N but his brothers tried to stop him

━━ Explain what? That you were kissing your ex? I've already seen that! ━━ Y/N's eyes teared as she tried her best to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

━━ Slut, didn't you see that you got in the way of my moment with my future boyfriend? ━━ The girl with blonde hair mocked.

━━ Bitch, go fuck yourself and shut up your rotten mouth. ━━ Nick told Leah totally angry with her and Matt.

I leave the house quickly, hiding the tears that finally fell, Matt ran after me calling me, I just ignored him going away to never look him in the face again.

A few weeks after the breakup, Matt and Leah finally took over the return of their relationship, which broke my heart.

Soon I get a message from Chris, asking if I would like to go to the ice cream parlor with him, which I am afraid of, but I end up accepting.

We spent the day having fun, and I ended up being distracted for a few moments about everything that was happening.

A few minutes after I arrive at my apartment, I see the publication of a gossip page, saying that after Matt takes over his relationship with Leah, Chris appears in an ice cream parlor next to me.

I opened the comments of the publication coming across several people cursing me as a slut, whore and even home destroyer, saying that Matt separated from Leah because of me and that now Chris and Matt have moved away because of me too.

I opened my dm, coming at threats from several people, calling me a traitor, without me having done anything.

That killed me once and for all, that I'm literally being hated, for having liked a boy.

tell me who I am, guess I don’t have a choice

all because I liked a boy.

taglist.

@junnniiieee07

answer this post if u want to be in my taglist!

[vanteguccir]

The right love for me | Matt Sturniolo pt. 2

Matt Sturniolo x fem!oc (Elena)

Summary: When Elena leaves after Matt confesses his feelings, will he try again to win the girl?

Warning: A little angst and mentions of a break up.

Author's note: That is my work, I DON'T authorize any plagiarism! | English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there's any grammar error.

Part 1

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Elena closed her eyes as a sigh escaped her lips, her arms resting on the armrest of the uncomfortable plane seat. Her back was tense as her mind ran through everything she would do and say upon landing in New York. Her eyes opened momentarily, focusing on the small window on her left side, watching the clouds around her.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Matt repeatedly banged his fist on the front door of Elena's grandparents' house, impatiently waiting while his brothers stood behind him, trying to keep him calm.

"You'll end up breaking down the door like that." Nick commented, tapping his right foot anxiously against the floor, also yearning for the resolution of the massive problem created by "simple" feelings.

"Shut up." Matt replied gruffly, straightening up in seconds as the sound of keys against the inside door lock sounded.

The door was finally opened and Elena's grandmother stood behind her, a dish towel over her right shoulder as a confused expression took over her face.

"Matt? Boys? Did something happen?" She asked, her eyes traveling over the boys.

"Hi grandma, is Lena here? I really need to talk to her." Matt asked, his fingers playing with the hem of his shirt anxiously.

His heart seemed to freeze when a look of realization took over the older woman's eyes and she shook her head.

"Elena's already left, Matt. I'm sorry."

"She left? Like, is she on her way to New York right now?" The brunette asked, his eyes burning with tears that wanted to fall as his heart sank.

"Yes, my dear, she left almost an hour ago. Didn't she say goodbye to you?" The older one asked, looking at Nick and Chris briefly.

"No grandma, I don't know-" Nick started, but was cut off by Matt turning abruptly and running back to the sidewalk, heading to his parents' car in quick steps, his fingers searching for the control to quickly unlock the doors. "Matt!"

"I need to go after her. Is anyone coming with me?" Matt spoke loudly, finally unlocking the car and getting into the driver's seat.

His brothers looked at Elena's grandmother with an apologetic look before running towards the car, quickly getting in when Matt hit the horn, speeding them up.

Chris had barely closed the passenger seat door when Matt took off with the car, stepping on the accelerator and making sharp turns like he'd never done before, his eyes glued to the street in front of him paying maximum attention to where he was going and focused on getting to the airport in half the time the GPS showed.

"If you continue like this we're going to get there dead!" Nick screamed from the back seat, his hands gripping the back of the front seats as if his life depended on it.

Matt ignored him, stepping on the gas harder.

It didn't take long and the car finally stopped in front of the first main entrance to the airport, Matt turned the key, turning off the car and ripping off his seat belt, jumping out of the car and closing the door, starting to run into the airport.

"I've never seen him like that." Chris commented, taking off his own seat belt as he tried to calm his racing heart from the speed Matt made the car go.

"He's been madly in love with Elena for years Chris, I'm not surprised he's going crazy about it all." Nick replied, getting out of the car and waiting for Chris to close the passenger door, before they started walking towards the airport at a quick pace.

The two stopped after crossing the entrance, looking for their brother with their eyes and finding him in front of the ticket counter of the airline that flew from Boston to New York, looking at each other in confusion before walking towards Matt.

"Please, I just need a ticket for the nearest flight to New York." Matt asked in an almost desperate tone, his hands resting on the counter as he looked at the attendant.

"Calm down sir, I'm checking available times." The woman asked in a harsh tone, her hands working on the mouse and keyboard of the computer in front of her.

Nick, upon hearing his brother's request and the attendant's response, placed his hands firmly on Matt's shoulders, trying to calm him down before the woman called security.

"What the hell are you doing?" Chris asked, stopping next to the brunette with a surprised look.

"I'm going to New York." He responded quickly without looking away from the attendant, as if if he did so, she would disappear.

"Matt, are you crazy? Why-" Chris stopped mid-sentence at the pointed look Nick gave him, raising his arms in surrender. "Do what you think is best." He sighed, crossing his arms and turning his back to Matt, his eyes scanning the people hurriedly walking through the airport.

"I have a ticket available for the chair next to the emergency exit in 10 minutes, sir." The attendant looked up.

"You can select it for me." Matt asked quickly, taking out his wallet and handing over his identity documents and credit card, ready to pay for the ticket regardless of the amount.

A few minutes later the purchase was complete and Matt turned around, sighing heavily and looking briefly at his brothers before shrugging.

"It's my last chance, I need to take a chance and see what happens." He muttered in a low voice, earning looks of pity from his brothers.

"It's okay Matt, we understand." Nick spoke, quickly stroking his shoulder with his right hand.

"Let's get to the right gate before you miss your flight." Chris spoke, taking Matt's left arm and pulling him, starting to walk towards the gate informed by the attendant.

"Do you have your charger with you? Because you'll only go with your phone and wallet, right?" Nick asked a few seconds later, breaking the silence.

"Yes, I'll leave the car keys with Chris since he knows how to drive better and you can go home. Mom knows what I wanted to do if Elena wasn't here anymore, so there's no need to explain anything to her." Matt replied, keeping his eyes in front of him.

"Alright, if anything happens you can call us and we'll come to you as quickly as possible." Chris replied, taking the keys that Matt was holding tightly, putting them in his pocket and stopping walking when the three stopped in front of the respective gates.

Matt looked up and glanced at his brothers briefly, who offered him encouraging smiles.

"Go get your girl, Matt." Nick spoke with a smile on his face, making Matt let out a laugh, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Chris followed his laughter, slapping his shoulder with his right hand momentarily.

"It'll go alright." He encouraged, pushing Matt back slightly. The boy nodded and turned around, walking quickly towards the boarding counter when the flight announcement was made on the speaker.

Matt spent the flight looking at the back of the seat in front of him, with no window next to him and no head to watch anything on the mini television in front of him. His body was tense and his legs were swinging anxiously, time seemed to pass slower than ever.

Finally, an hour and a half later, the male voice on the loudspeaker announced that the landing would happen soon. Matt straightened up on the seat and picked up his phone, sending a quick text to his group with his brothers, notifying them of his arrival, knowing that it would be sent as soon as the internet signal reached his phone again, putting the device in his pocket again.

Matt sighed in relief when the flight was over, taking off his seatbelt and quickly crossing the plane's aisle, apologizing for the people he was bumping into along the way.

When the boy finally entered the airport again, his blue eyes traveled over the crowd of people there, now what?

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Elena stood outside the apartment she'd lived in for the past few years in New York, her face wet with tears of relief or tension, she couldn't exactly tell the difference. Her back was against the closed door behind her, listening to Jeremy pacing back and forth inside the apartment while her hands tightly gripped the handles of two of the three suitcases she had packed.

Jeremy didn't take the news of the breakup very well, it was everything he least expected and his emotional dependence on Elena seemed to swallow him momentarily during the conversation, turning it into an argument. He cursed the girl and her grandparents and hometown, judging her for returning there, as if if she hadn't done so, it would never have happened.

The "conversation" took about 40 minutes and was a complete rollercoaster, but in the end it was agreed that the engagement would actually be ended and that both would go their own way, as Jeremy didn't want to "ever look Elena in the face again", his words. Elena took another 30 minutes to pack her bags, picking up her main belongings and promising to pick up the rest over the next few days.

The apartment, which was purchased by the two together, would be sold and the value divided between the two.

The girl tried to control her breathing while her mind was in turmoil, she felt relief for having put an end on something she didn't want to, but she felt enormous guilt for hurting Jeremy.

She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that escaped her eyes, picking up her suitcase one at a time and taking them to the elevator. After a lot of effort, the girl managed to take all three suitcases to the building's garage and put them in the trunk of her car, closing the back door and getting into the driver's seat.

Her hands held the steering wheel for a few minutes while she thought about what she would do now.

The decision was made to go to her favorite coffee shop, which was also a bookstore, and have a coffee alone while thinking about her next steps, her mind divided between renting an apartment momentarily or returning to her parents' house until she finished college.

She knew that a normal person at that moment would probably seek refuge with someone trustworthy and that they could take shelter, but she had no one there, her parents were working and would only return home at night, and she no longer had a spare key, having left it behind with her parents when she moved away.

The girl started the car, wiping her face with her hands and thanking herself for choosing not to wear makeup that day, momentarily glancing at her appearance in the rearview mirror.

After a few minutes the car finally stopped in front of the bookstore, Elena took a deep breath before getting out of the vehicle, closing the door and locking it, before walking to the cafe.

The sound of the bell echoed through the small space and the smell of coffee and book pages hit the girl's nose, calming her instantly. She walked to the furthest table, sitting on the wooden chair and momentarily looking at the chair in front of her, wishing that a certain someone was there with her.

The sound of footsteps caught her attention and Elena raised her face, smiling small at the attendant before ordering just a coffee, thanking the waitress before looking down at the table again.

The girl felt her phone vibrate in her sweatshirt pocket, her right hand fishing for the device and analyzing the screen.

"Matt?" Elena answered the call, putting the phone to her ear, her eyebrows furrowed as she heard the rapid breathing on the other end and the sounds of horns and cars in the background.

"Elena, where are you? I went to your apartment and the doorman said you had just left." The boy spoke quickly on the other side, his breathless voice sounding like he had been running for long minutes.

"Wait, you're in New York? Matt, what's going on?" The girl asked, her eyes traveling around the cafeteria space as if she expected him to appear there out of nowhere.

"Elena, please." He pleaded with his voice, and Elena sighed, closing her eyes momentarily.

"Book Cafe." The girl replied, her free hand playing with the menu anxiously, her mind wondering if this was some kind of prank.

The line went dead and Elena took the phone away from her ear with a confused expression, scoffing when she saw that Matt hung up, her hands were working on opening the messaging app and entering the chat with the boy, starting to write a text, but her attention was taken by the sound of the bell echoing through the space again.

Elena looked toward the door, her cell slipping out of her hands and landing on the wooden table as her eyes met those blue ones she loved so much.

Matt seemed to freeze in the doorway, his feet locked to the floor as his eyes looked back at Elena, noting her tired and tense state.

"Matt." Elena called, getting up from her chair slowly, turning to face him, choosing to wait for him to catch up when she saw him start to move.

"Elena." He responded, quickly approaching her and standing in front of her.

"What are you doing here?" She asked exasperatedly, running her eyes over the boy's condition, his messy hair and rumpled clothes, probably from the flight and how much he seemed to have ran around the city.

"I know you asked me not to come after you, but I don't like being contradicted. I needed to try Lena, just one more time." Matt spoke, his eyes showing all the emotions he felt at that moment, anguish, love, fear and tension.

"Oh Matt." The girl sighed, pulling him into a tight hug, her eyes burning with the tears that had already fallen and that wanted to fall again as her chest filled with love and gratitude.

"I'll always come to you, Lena." He murmured against the top of the girl's head. "Come on, let's sit down." Matt asked in a low tone, helping her sit in the chair she was previously in, before dragging the other chair to the side of the table, sitting next to Elena. "I know you have Jeremy and that you are going to get married, but I love you so much and at the amusement park everything was so much, I needed to look at you just one more time, really look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you and I want you in my life forever." Matt whispered, feeling more words wanting to leave his lips, but holding them back, he didn't want to act on the emotion more than he already did.

"I broke up with Jeremy, Matt." Elena said, looking at him with a firm look, smiling small when she saw the surprise flash through the brunette's eyes. "I ended my engagement with him because he wasn't you." She spoke, feeling her heart warm as an expression of pure shock and love took over Matt's face, his blue-eyed pupil instantly dilating and a smile stretching across his cheeks, his right hand reaching out and taking her left hand, interlacing their fingers.

"Elena, be mine. I've loved you since before I understood the meaning of love, in the most anxious and calm way I've ever loved. I want you with me for who you are and who you make me want to be." Matt whispered the words of love and declaration, creating an intimate atmosphere around them.

"I've been yours for a long time, Matt." Elena responded with a wide smile, leaning to the right and getting closer to Matt, calmly approaching the brunette's face and finally pressing her lips against his, initiating a calm kiss with just the movement of lips, with no tongue involved, the desire of both being just to enjoy each other's warmth.

After a few seconds Elena slowly pulled away, a happy sigh escaping her lips before her eyes opened carefully, the fear to open them and find out that everything was just a dream coursing through her veins, but Matt's hands against her face and his warm breath close to her lips was too real to be a lie.

"I ordered a coffee, have something with me." The girl asked with a smile, her hand lightly squeezing Matt's who still held hers.

The bubble around the two seemed to burst when the sound of footsteps and the smell of coffee approached, the attendant placing the cup of coffee ordered by the girl on the table and taking out her notepad, turning to Matt.

"Can I get you something, sir?"

"Yes, please."

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Me while writing this:

[wyattjohnston]

playing house - jack hughes

series: we don't have no time to waste

summary: luke is staying with jack and daisy. daisy is equal parts excited and worried.

word count: 1,426

Daisy was bouncing on her toes at the front door.

There was an assignment waiting to be finished, due in less than twelve hours but she’d had trouble focussing since UMich lost their game—since Luke called Jack, half downtrodden and half ecstatic, to tell him that he was going to meet him in Boston.

It had long been decided that he would be in Jersey when his season ended and Daisy thought she was prepared for the day it finally came. But she’d yelled at both of them on the phone when it was clear Luke wasn’t coming straight to their place in Hoboken.

So, Daisy was waiting at the front door, barely keeping herself from opening it and staring out it, for Jack to arrive with Luke in tow.

The doorknob turned, Jack’s voice coming through with a “Honey, we’re—” before Daisy pulled it open the rest of the way, throwing Jack of balance, and then throwing herself at Luke and sending him off balance.

She grabbed onto Luke’s arms, spinning him around in circles as she shouted deliriously and nonsensically.

“Is Luke your favourite? I thought Quinn was your favourite,” Jack deadpanned.

Daisy stopped their spinning, took in Luke’s bewildered expression, before she shrugged and told Jack, very seriously, that she didn’t have favourites and that she loved the three of them equally.

“I already regret being here,” Luke chimed in, still stuck in place.

“You love It and you love me and you will love it here. If you don’t I will be very upset because I put a lot of effort into fixing up Ty’s old room and making sure you could make it your own and—”

“Breathe, Daisy,” Jack said behind a smile. “Let us inside.”

With one last squeal, Daisy gave Luke a proper hug before letting the boys lug Luke’s cases into the house.

Daisy appreciated that Jack kept his mouth shut as they walked further into the house—the level of effort she’d put into cleaning, and baking cookies, and clearly having down a full grocery shop, was something she only ever did for Ellen and Jim’s visits. It had been important to her that Luke walked in and felt welcome. It was also maybe a little important that he couldn’t report back about the heaping pile of clean laundry that substituted as their wardrobes, or the fact that at any given time there was mostly just enough food for Daisy to snack on and some assorted cereals.

“Rule number one is that you can’t complain about any noises you hear coming from our room,” Jack said while they were dropping things in Luke’s new room. “This is the furthest you can get from our room and Ty never said anything.”

“Ty was too nice.”

“Rule number two is no bringing random girls into the house.”

Luke scoffed, throwing his backpack heavily onto the bed as he said, “You’re such a dickhead.”

“You can bring home whoever you want,” Daisy said, elbowing her way past Jack into the room. “But no knocking anybody up—if you need condoms or lube or anything—”

“Jesus Christ, it’s like I moved back home.” He paused, thinking. “Mom and Dad might actually be less annoying.”

Daisy let out a muted, oh, and took a step back so that she was hiding more behind Jack. She felt her face fall and didn’t particularly want Luke to see. Jack knew it, though, looking over his shoulder as Daisy walked back.

Pointedly Jack said to Luke, “Rule number three is no upsetting Daisy.”

“Sorry, Daze, long weekend,” Luke apologised sheepishly.

“I can tone it down a notch. I just—I don’t know,” she shrugged instead of finishing her sentence because she was entirely uncertain of where it was going, anyway.

“Daisy wants you to feel welcome and like this is your home, too.”

“It is your home,” Daisy stressed.

“She’s just gonna be a lot nicer about it than I am. Which leads me to rule four—did I tell you you can’t bring girls home?”

“Fuck you,” Luke said, rather loudly as he started pointing his finger between them. “My first rule is that you guys keep your sex life to your bedroom.”

“One day,” Jack said sagely, despite the handful of Daisy’s ass he was grabbing, “you will understand what it’s like to have a smoking hot woman want to spend the rest of her life with you. She’ll never be the hottest woman in the room when Daze is around but she’ll be too good for you anyway so I suppose that doesn’t matter.”

Daisy rolled her eyes, chided Jack for comparing women even if the primary purpose was to poke fun at Luke and the second woman was hypothetical, and then pushed Jack out of Luke’s room so he could get settled.

When they walked past the kitchen, Jack backed Daisy up slowly into the counter, both to greet her properly and also, Daisy knew, to shove proposed Luke’s rule in his face if he wandered out of his room.

Any other day, Daisy would have kissed him back, would have let his hand wander up her shirt, would have happily been on the receiving and/or giving end of an orgasm or two but it was different with Luke in the house—it was different when she couldn’t wrap her head around all the effort she’d put in just for his arrival.

“I don’t really know why I tried so hard,” she said, mumbled against Jack’s neck as she buried her face. It was with total uncertainty that she said, “It might be about not wanting to disappoint your parents?”

Jack held her closer, his fingers only barely brushing the skin under her top. The undercurrent of laughter in his voice wasn’t directed at her when he said, “We’ve been living together for nearly three years now; been together for so long that I think that ship has probably sailed.”

“You’re so in love with me I could set this place on fire and you wouldn’t tell them,” Daisy said turning her face but still hiding in Jack’s chest. Jack hummed in agreement. “Luke, though… He doesn’t have anything to lose if he tells them that we had milk in the fridge that expired a month ago and neither of us noticed. I go to an Ivy League school, dude—I’m supposed to be smarter than that.”

“Babe,” Jack said, now laughing at her, even if it was light-hearted, “They weren’t even disappointed when I told them about the pregnancy thing. You couldn’t disappoint them if you tried. And, Luke will end up on the street if he tries. I’ve seen photos of his dorm and I will send them to Mom if I have to.”

Daisy had seen those photos, too, and the photos of the houses some of the other players on the team lived in—both Luke’s teammates and Quinn’s—and knew that Ellen and Jim were under no illusions about what went on in college. It was satisfying, at least, to know that Jack was willing to blackmail his own brother for her.

For something so minor, she also knew that he would have done it for fun, though.

“I just want him to be happy here,” she said, finally pulling her head away from his chest. “This whole thing is such a big deal for him and I don’t want to make it any harder.”

“He wouldn’t shut up the entire flight about living here. He’s fucking ecstatic.” After a brief pause, his face screwed up. “You don’t even drink milk. That one’s on me.”

She groaned, the memory filling her brain. “It was the grossest thing I’ve ever smelled in my life.”

“You smelled it? Daisy, babe, I think that’s enough to get you kicked out of Columbia. Even I know you don’t smell the expired milk.”

Daisy shoved Jack away, making various attempts to get him to stop talking—from telling him to shut up, to trying to get her hand over his mouth, to making loud noises to drown at the ensuing taunting.

She was making a break for it when Jack’s arms wrapped around her waist, her feet coming off the ground just enough that she lost all traction and hope of escaping. She shrieked—half laugh, half surprise—when she was caught.

Luke emerged from his room, didn’t even blink at what he was seeing, and bypassed them to get water from the filter in the fridge.

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[grapejuicestyless]

Fix You.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Summery: You and Conrad have been in a toxic relationship for as long as you can remember. As much as you want to fix him, it night not be possible.

Just a little blurb while I try to finish other requests <3

The deepness of his eyes hid the cool undertones of his glare. He was the embodiment of summer. Blonde hair, tanned skin. He had freckles from the sun and a blush like burn tinting his cheeks. His wild hair and charming smile was nothing like the man he was.

At first I could blame his casual cruelty on the passing of his mother. The affairs of his father and the distrust that Belly had placed on him after her endless chase for his heart ended with the her wrapped around his brother.

But soon the past faded further into the distance. Each summer seemed more and more dull, not in his eyes, but in the fiery kindness he radiated. He was no longer the gentle boy I had grown up with. Not the same kid who sat next to me in math, begging for help on fractions. Not the same teenager who helped me in calculus when numbers because letters and more buttons on the calculator were being used.

He wasn’t the same Conrad who begged Susannah to take me with them each summer because the thought of even spending a second without his best friend from Boston was too unbearable for his young heart.

This Conrad liked to yell. He liked to drink at parties, and he liked to lie.

Hickeys adorned his once beautifully pure neck and his lips stained a shade of red I never owned. I couldn’t afford to own. And with the smell of liquor on his breath, I let it slide like a hose on a slippery plastic summer. I reason, he wasn’t in the correct mindset. And in the morning he swears he believed it was me he was kissing. And I believe that it’s all better because he’s my Conrad, the same boy who pushed me on the swings and held my hand in the dark.

Yet, him confessing his infidelity meant nothing. His crying and begging building my trust only for him to ruin it again.

When would it be my turn to come home and pout about my mistakes. Ones that were supposed to be an accident that clearly were becoming more and more purposeful. When could I pull at my roots and sob into the shoulder of the man who swore to protect me?

It would never be and it could never be. The second my throat would close and my voice would betray me, he was as angry as I was. He had no reasons to be. But he was so good at convincing me otherwise.

“Have some self worth.” Belly had scolded me. But it was impossible to have some. Not when I’d spent it all on a boy who swore to pay it back and never did.

His friends all told him not to be surprised when I stopped showing up for him. A girl can only believe in change so much before the broken proves they are unfixable.

It took me until August, just days before our two year anniversary. A day that was once decorated with flowers and promises was littered with bear cans and scandals.

The night before I caught him finally. His second glass of wine half empty on the table. The same shade of red as the woman’s lips he was kissing tenderly.

I bet he would’ve like it, if I had made a scene. If I had yelled and cried. But I had already done all that. I had begged and pleaded for answers and he called me overdramatic, moody, angry. He had taken all the willpower out of me to do just what he wanted.

I stopped coming by after that summer. The old red door was chipped by the knocker, but it was never used anymore. And his phone was dry without the sound of my voice to remind him to enjoy the nice weather while it lasted.

The birds still sang and the children still played in the streets. But my driveway was empty and the houses were quiet.

I sat alone in my room, feet in front of me on the floor. Humming the tune of a song I know vaguely, I skip some lyrics in my head. Snow falls steadily by my window, and the chill seeps through my thin walls. My nose is red and fingers numb. Im combing through the twinkling fairy lights. I want to hang them up for the holidays. Each time I pull, no matter what I do, they always spring back into their previous curls and spirals. They twist and wrap around each other. The knot only reforms the farther I dig into the wires. I can try to change it, but it will always go back to where it was.

I was untangling string lights much longer than I thought.

[peachhcs]

so high school au ★ “you know how to ball i know aristotle”

→ emma grace x gabe perreault

or hockey player meets top of her class (inspired by taylor swift's song so high school)

→ moodboard + au masterlist

★ ☆ au background + timeline ★ ☆

gabe meets emma first semester of freshman year at boston college

he's taking a french class for fun even though he's fluent in french

him and emma end up next to one another for the class

at first, emma's not so sure about gabe since he acts kind of dumb in the class so the professor doesn't know he's fluent

that annoys her because she thinks it's stupid when people play dumb even though they're super smart

his athletic persona also throws her off a bit and she thinks he doesn't ever care at all because he's just forced to be in his classes to be able to play

they start talking after the first week of classes when gabe's actively doing another class's work

emma actively laughs out loud when she sees him trying to do economics

"something funny?"

she shakes her head and thus starts their mini whispering argument about economics

eventually that leads to gabe asking for her number to get help later on since emma claims she's so good at econ

after a few tutoring sessions emma realizes she might've been wrong about gabe all along

the two become close fairly quickly and he convinces her to come to one of his games that weekend

she starts learning a lot about hockey from gabe whenever he'd start rambling on about it during their tutoring sessions

finally after a month of tutoring gabe decides to ask her out on a date once the boys convince him she'd say yes

she agrees!

they go out to a fancy dinner where they're both pretty nervous it goes super well & gabe kisses her before dropping her off at her dorm

they start dating a week after!

→ emma grace:

emma grace cooper

she's a twin! her brother, tyler, also goes to bc and he swims

her and her brother are super close and always have been hence why they went to the same college together

her birthday is june 15th, 2005!

she's the top of her class & is always at the library trying to get her work done

4.0 slay

she's also fairly fluent in french so her and gabe enjoy talking back and forth in french around his friends so they don't know what they're taking about

enjoys swimming like her brother and sometimes does laps with him during free swim on the weekends

doesn't know a lot about hockey, but she enjoys learning more from gabe

starts falling in love with going to the games and starts showing up early to be at the front of the glass to see everything better

always has her nose in a book & rants to gabe about what happens in each of them

gabe quite literally towers over her since she isn't that tall, but she likes that he's taller than her

wears a lot of neutral/cool tone colors

a bit of an extroverted introvert so once you get to know her she becomes super talkative and can never shut up

talks gabe's ear off a lot when they're hanging out

makes gabe go to the library with her a lot and half the time he isn't even studying and just staring at her instead of

enjoys calling gabe dorky in an endearing way and he secretly loves it

→ gabe perreault:

younger brother to jacob, jeremy, and liliane perreault

he's fairly close with all of his siblings

mostly goes to lili when he needs relationship advice since he knows his brothers would just chirp at him

birthday is may 7th, 2005!

he's been playing hockey since he could walk since his dad is a famous professional ice hockey player & all of his siblings are hockey players as well

he's now a forward at boston college and was drafted 23rd overall by the new york rangers

he's best friends with his roommate, will smith

he's instantly attracted to emma when he first meets her and they sit together in class

he's actually super smart and only acts dumb sometimes because somehow he's got in his brain that athletes can't be smart at the same time

emma definitely changes that perspective for him

was super super nervous when he first asked her out

he's more of an introvert so him and emma balance well because they can both agree staying in is better than going out

loves listening to emma ramble on about what book she's currently reading and even starts reading them too!

when she goes to his game for the first time he almost combusts when he sees her in the sweatshirt he lent her for it

emma most definitely tries to give his style more variety so it isn't just sweats and sweatshirts all the time

the guys start chirping at him a lot when they find out he likes emma

can get a little possessive and jealous sometimes what emma says goes "walk him like a dog"

his siblings love her when they first meet emma

he enjoys calling emma "pretty girl" or "emmers" or "em"

→ quick author's note:

hii!! a little break in the 700 celly requests to introduce my newest au i've been saying for months i'd do!! i absolutely adore gabe and this au idea was actually sent in by anon in my inbox, so whoever you are thank you so much for the idea i love it!! i can't wait to develop their story more, so please send some requests in for emma and gabe too!!

[the-conversation-pod]

Bottom Dementia: The Only Friends Episode.

Kicking things off for year 2 of The Conversation is our Only Friends episode. We brought back a friend of the podcast, David (@yankeebastard), to discuss the various cases of bottom dementia in this show, our thoughts on the sexual and social politics of the show, and how shipping and fandom culture complicated the entire experience our watches.

We'll end this episode with @ginnymoonbeam returning with us months later to see how we still felt about the show

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond with chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

0:00 - Introduction 1:20 - Only Friends and What We Liked 13:47 - What We Wanted from the Show 26:40 - Where the Story Breaks Down 38:40 - Bottom Dementia™ 47:38 - Do Not Take Only Friends Seriously 51:00 - Final Thoughts (Two Months Later)

The Conversation Transcripts!

Thanks to the continued efforts of @ginnymoonbeam as transcriber, and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

0:00 - Introduction

NiNi

Welcome to The Conversation About BL, aka The Brown Liquor Podcast.

Ben

And there it is. I’m Ben.

NiNi

I’m NiNi.

Ben

And we’re you’re drunk Caribbean uncle and auntie here sitting on the porch in the rocking chairs.

NiNi

Four times a year we pop in to talk about what’s going on in the BL world.

Ben

We shoot the shit about stories and all the drama going into them. I review from a queer media lens.

NiNi

And I review from a romance and drama lens.

Ben

So if you like cracked-out takes and really intense emotional analysis…

NiNi

If you like talking about artistry, industry, and the discourse…

Ben

And if you generally just love simping…

NiNi

There is a lot of simping on this podcast…

Ben

We are the show for you!

1:20 Only Friends And What We Liked

Ben

And we're baaaack!

NiNi

Welcome, welcome to our winter series. It is so nice to be back with y'all—I'm saying back, but we're literally recording this on the day the Fall Lagniappe went up, because this is how we do it on this podcast. 

This is the Bottom Dementia episode.

David

Oh my.

NiNi

[laughs] You can hear our special guest, say hi David! 

David

Hiii!

NiNi

David is back with us!

Ben

You are literally back by popular demand, David, the people were like, when is he coming back?

[everyone laughs]

David

I need to stop fucking around with my Tumblr and just be on there.

NiNi

I'm not sure you want to be on there, like legit, but—[laughs]

We are here to talk about Only Friends! We're here to talk about the high highs, the low lows—and they were some lows for sure. I’m gonna let Ben do what he do. 

So Ben: What is Only Friends about?

Ben

Oh man. How do I describe Only Friends now? So much of how I feel about it has been clouded by how it ended. Only Friends is a messy drama about a gay friend group nearing the end of college, as they deal with some of their… issues with sex and romance? At least that's how it felt at the beginning? Only Friends has this group of homos who hang out at their local gay bar. You've got Mew the virgin, Boston the slut, Ray the drunk, and Cheum who is sort of like the lesbian wrangler of their group. 

Boston introduces this guy named Top to their group to flirt with Mew. Mew falls for Top—Boston was not expecting this, because he was just trying to smash with Top again. He causes a bunch of problems, but ends up in his own side romance with a very weird but kind of sweet boy who does not understand healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to digital space?

David

Oh lord.

Ben

Ray ends up involved with the singer at the bar—who can't sing that great, sorry First.

NiNi

God it was bad.

Ben

It harkens back to the kind of dramas that were happening around twenty-odd years ago, like Queer As Folk, Noah's Ark, and some other shows that Jojo referenced, some of which I haven't seen. But it struggles for me, because while all of those were fairly episodic in nature, this one decided to be a serial, and concerns related to the actor pairs and the economic viability of said actor pairs, I really feel muddled the waters on the back half? And so while there were a lot of really great stylistic moments in this, it ends up feeling kind of limp at the end, in a way that was very unsexy for me. 

David and I watched it together, it was one of our Saturday shows. David, it's been a while since we had you on the show: why don't you give us some of your reactions, thoughts, and feelings about Only Friends?

David

Hm, let me see. Only Friends can best be described, in my personal opinion, as a ledger against the evils of monogamy… how unhinged gayness serves really only ever one person and that's the unhinged gay themselves—but hey, it's entertaining!... the apparent gay police state we live in, where if you do anything and it gets recorded, it becomes a psychodrama later… In short, I thought I would only end up not liking one person at the end of Only Friends? But the entire show can go through a recycler for me. That's where I am with it.

NiNi

So we've got Ben sort of general wet floppiness of it all, David saying ‘fuck them’ at the end. [laughs]

David

Yeah.

NiNi

[laughs] Let's see, where did I land on it? I had an incredibly cynical read on this show, and one of the reasons that I had a cynical read on this show is A) it was just fun; B) Ben, you talked a little bit about this hearkening back to some of the queer shows of the early 2000s. And that made sense for me, because the characters are of the here and now, but the creators, Jojo and Ninew and them, they’re my age. Well, slightly younger than me, but around that 40-year-old mark, elder millennials, so to speak. So that's the stuff that they were watching when they were the age that these characters are now. So it has like a weird juxtaposition, the show, where it's of the moment but also deeply nostalgic in some ways? So it was a very interesting experience for me watching it. 

Like I said, I enjoyed being real cynical about the show, my reads on Top clearly got people mad pissed. [laughs] I was enjoying the show on the ‘everybody is awful’ tip, and then like one or two characters surprised me at the end by being not so awful… but I was having a good time right up until the end.

Ben

So why don't you go through the things that you enjoyed in the show then, since you came out of it less ambivalent than the rest of us.

NiNi

Less ambivalent is the word, because I was having a good time and then I was pissed. [laughs] There was no in between. So it was not really an ambivalent feeling, it was like a high high and then a crash. 

Some of the things that I enjoyed, let's see. I enjoyed, low-key how terrible everybody was. So much of BL tries to make characters really likable. I'm not sure if the show was trying to make the characters likable—if it did, it failed, which was great for me because I didn't really like any of them [laughs]. Except for at the end, I liked Boston and I liked Nick, but other than that, I was just like ‘oh these people are terrible, yes, inject it into my veins!’ So I had a good time with that. I had a really good time with all the aesthetics, the style of the show, like you said throwing back to that early 2000s late 90s kind of vibe in terms of the set dressing and the set design, in the way that everybody's wardrobe played out, and just the entire vibe of the thing. Very Jojo, thoroughly enjoyed that. 

I really enjoyed the acting. As much as coming down towards the end I didn't really enjoy the writing, the acting I thought was incredibly solid across the board. Not even so much the big acting, because there were like a lot of these big emotional moments, there was a lot of crying—I mean, First and Khaotung were in this, there's gonna be crying—but that's not the stuff that I was enjoying, it was the little subtle details. Like Khaotung’s playing Ray, Ray is an unrepentant drunk, and Khaotung really sold Ray being drunk all the time. It was like, little things that he was doing, it wasn't anything big, that really sold me on the fact that hey, this dude is not ever sober, and you can tell. I liked Book in this a lot. Which is weird, because I hated his character, I hated Mew so much. But I thought that Book really sold this kind of sanctimonious priggish character really really well, I actually really enjoyed that. And then of course Neo Trai and Mark Pakin, just, *mwah* chef’s kiss, fantastic acting work. 

I think in terms of the enjoyment levels, that's where I landed. Everything else I'm a little bit more, hmm, okay, there's a positive and a negative about, but those were the things that I really really enjoyed.

Ben

David, before we get big into tearing this thing up, why don't you tell us the things you did enjoy along the way?

David

I actually did like the Melrose Place 90s aesthetic that was going on with the show.

NiNi

Yeessss, Melrose Place, that was it!

David

There is no way that anyone is going to tell me that these two people did not watch Melrose Place. Even some of their shots were very Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210-ish. Their little main area, where they would have the drama explosions were always at the bar, that was very much a Melrose Place thing. I enjoy unhinged—I'm trying not to say the other word—

Ben

Just go ahead and say it. You know you need to.

David

I enjoy a healthy dose of unhinged fa**otry. I live for it. More than likely, my second or third favorite performance in any show will be the show's most unhinged fa**ot I will love him. He could be evil, he could be killing people, but I'm gonna find something to love about him.

Ben

And who is that for you this time?

David

Oh Lord! Look: I love Boeing. Boeing was completely unhinged, I saw too much of myself in that boy. Unhinged. Sir you cannot hop like this. I need you to calm down. He completely sold that whole… soulless, like sort of just, gross performance. I love Boeing.

Ben

Mond Tanutchai was a gift that we were not expecting.

David

And that show did not deserve. 

I thought the show was beautiful, it was colorful—me and Ben have had this conversation before, how since Vice Versa I've noticed that more. We don’t have this cream, beige, taupey writing-out of color, we've returned to this really rich tapestry, and I felt the show did that, which was also, I didn't realize, very 90s. So the color of the show, the way it was filmed, how it was produced, was great. And like NiNi said, it was great acting.

Ben

For posterity: David has caught up with BL very aggressively in the last year and a half. Thailand has been reintroducing rich color into their shows since the post ITSAY wave began, with You’re My Sky. Vice Versa does not get credit as the show that introduced color into this shit.

David

Fine.

NiNi

[laughs] Ben's like, fuck Vice Versa, fuck it forever.

David

I can’t even defend it.

Ben

That’s not me digging at you, just, for the people who've been following the timeline of BL, that does not go to Vice Versa. Absolutely the fuck not.

NiNi

Ben says no, you don't get to have this! You don't get to take this—[laughs]

David

That's fine, that's fair. But there are a few things that I thought were things I liked about the show, that, when I thought about, I went, ‘I did not like this as much as I thought I did.’ And the only character I liked at the end of this was the one who ended up being the unredeemable one to me. Because I kept thinking about it, and I got a lot of what he was going through. I thought he totally got vixen vamped by the weird, shitty, forced monogamy thing that the show was beating everyone up the head with, while at the same time simultaneously showing everyone how none of these characters are making it work.

Ben

Are you talking about Boston? Just for the sake of the listeners?

David

Yes, Boston.

NiNi

It was so weird to feel that coming off the show, but it wasn't coming off the show from the beginning.

David

Mhm.

NiNi

Somewhere like, into the third act is when that whiff, that eau de straightness started coming off the show. [laughs] Everybody started feeling the weird shift, they were like, ‘what is this? Are they—but they're not, Jojo wouldn't.’ You know what it feels like, it feels network-interferencey? That's genuinely how it feels. Because the front half of the show is so tight. It does not feel like the back half of this show. The back half of the show feels like somebody came in and said, ‘Nope you can't do this, do something else!’ and then they scrambled and tried to do something else that sort of lined up with what they had done before.

David

Yep, I completely agree.

13:47 What We Wanted from the Show

Ben

Before we talk about the weird shift that happens, let's talk a little bit about what we hoped from the show on the front end. Like when we sat down to watch the show, we were all coming at it from different places, what were we hoping for? Let’s start with you, NiNi, because you were dealing with a lot of other shit at the beginning of this show, so you weren't maybe watching it as intensely as you were by the time we got to the end.

NiNi

Oh no, I was fully here for a messy mess, that was all I was hoping for. Like David, I wanted to see some unhinged gays. I wanted something like Cruel Intentions or, like a Wild Thing. I wanted to have a good time. I didn't want to think too much, you know, that was my mantra for [laughs] a lot of this year, I don't want to think too much. And then I wind up thinking too much.  

But that's what I was aiming for, I was aiming to have a good time, I was aiming to cackle. I was aiming to gasp. Before the show made the weird switch, I had thoroughly enjoyed being right about every character, but wrong about the narrative. [laughs] That was the thing that I really came to it for. I came here, I perched my little feet up on a pouf, I hit the button on the remote, and I was like, okay, show me the mess. And they started to, and then they pulled back from it.

Ben

What about you David? What were you hoping to get out of Only Friends?

David

I was expecting we were going to get way more of an adult, complicated thing about people's feelings and how sex played into it… Maybe we're gonna get a multi-couple, and this show was gonna do some stuff that no one else had done before. And at some point that collapsed. 

Because I could see the ways that they could have pulled this off with certain characters, and showed some characters empowered to be that? But the full tilt boogie of Mew becoming the most sanctimonious, boring fucking part of this show and Top having the personality of cardboard, and Ray just being a drunk who clearly is never gonna learn his lesson, and Sand being a simp—what started out as being sort of complex characterizations, when we got to the very end, I was just sitting there like, what the fuck?

Ben

All right, I'm gonna be mean.

NiNi

Go for it!

Ben

I really hoped that this would be Jojo and them’s attempt to get less focused in their whole serial soap opera style dynamic, and I was really excited about the title cards early on, that they were going to have really strong internal arcs for each of these episodes? And that's not what we got. We got just an ongoing stream of mess from a bunch of maladjusted young people. I really hoped that some of the class things would play out because there were differing levels of wealth, and they did very little with that. I really hoped that a lot of these actors would get to play against their type for once, and do some really interesting stuff, and they did not. While some of these GMMTV boys are good, we have seen their body of work, and they are basically doing the same goddamn thing every motherfucking show.

David

Well! Go on, pastor!

Ben

First has only ever been a grumpy simp, in every fucking show he's in. Like, we love the boy! He's very expressive. He can be very funny. And it's kind of annoying that he has played like five different goddam versions of the sad sack simp now. I was really hoping that we were going to get to see him do something interesting with the fucking baseball bat, which implied that his character was going to make an active choice for once. That's the crux of the missing baseball bat stuff: the bitch who picks up a baseball bat? She's over it! She's going to smash something. She is committed to a choice, and destruction is the only thing that will sate her blood lust at this point. 

[NiNi laughs] 

And we never got that! Like, we literally end on First’s character calling himself a dog happy that he has a nice owner. What the absolute fuck was that? 

Khaotung always plays the super-cute provocateur. They just made him super rich this time and let him be drunk all the time. Khaotung plays it well, but like we’ve seen basically this out of Khaotung repeatedly. I’m kinda over it. 

And then poor Force. I think this show did a genuine disservice to Force. He does so much good work playing Top. Like, he fully committed. I understand the show’s choice to make him enigmatic because we were primarily reliant upon Mew’s POV, and because Mew could never feel secure in his connection to Top, they did not let the audience feel secure about Top. That is not a bad choice from an editing or directing standpoint, but it means that Top is so empty of a character. He only represents status to Mew. 

I think Book is a fairly limited actor, and I think Jojo and them used him well as the sanctimonious bitch of this group. That was really cool in the front half. The fucking virgin who reads too many fucking books playing games they ain’t ready for and then winning stupid prizes as a result. That was fucking great, but it feels like the show wanted us to take the drama, as it happened from Mew's perspective, super seriously. But I cannot take a character like Mew seriously. 

I don't think Lookjun was treated well in the show because Cheum is a goddamn mess of a character. Jojo was tweeting about her in a way that seems like she's supposed to be the lesbian wrangler saving these gays, but she is so mean to them. 

And you get Boston. Boston did deserve some of the Ls he took, like when he got kicked in the chest and thrown into the pool with Mew jumping behind him trying to drown that motherfucker? He deserved that. That was some bullshit, you should have known better. However! Did Boston deserve to be the victim of revenge porn and blackmail three times? No. No he did not. I feel some kinda way about the way the back half of this show is just everybody saying ‘at least you're not as bad as Boston’ as everybody is doing nasty shit to each other.

David

In the name of the god of monogamy.

Ben

I'm like, goddamn, where is all of this fucking moral superiority coming from because Boston likes to get his dick sucked? What the fuck is wrong with the rest of you?

David

He never lied to anyone that he was having sex with; he told them, “Look, I don’t want shit. There's other people. This is what's going on.” And I felt like he was put on this pyre to monogamy that didn't even function—as a matter of fact, it was made even more glaring that it wasn't even working for the other characters because by the end of the show, they're all together—but barely. The fucking show ends with Mew flirting with another fucking dude in front of Top.

NiNi

Here's the thing for me. I see a way that this show carries all of the same narrative beats, but changes the tone, and works so much better for me. I don't actually have a problem with the couples ending up together. If you're aiming for a messy story where people end up in relationships with people who are the worst people for them, or they end up in a relationship where as we say in Trinidad, “Every bread have their cheese.” Jamaicans say, “Every pot have a cover,” you know what I mean? 

[David laughs]

My favorite version of the MewTop relationship is Mew putting Top through hell because he's a piece of shit. Every time I got even a hint of Top being miserable—but still being there—and Mew deciding that he was gonna put Top’s balls in his purse and carry them around; I enjoyed that! I really enjoyed that ‘cause that's not a relationship dynamic you get to see in TV, but is incredibly realistic. There are so many, so many couples I know that are just like that and it's horrible to be around, but it's low key entertaining. 

If the show had leaned into that, that would have been, strangely enough, more enjoyable, cause I don't need to believe that these characters [cutesy voice] ~are in love and they're going to be together forever~. I don’t need to believe that. I need to believe that they make sense with each other. And them making sense with each other is not a question of them being nice people or good people or being good for each other. It just seems that the way those two puzzle pieces fit together is great because they ain’t making nobody else miserable along the way. 

Even the stuff that you were saying, Ben, about Sand being a simp and, as I said, having a humiliation kink. I have seen so many Sands and Rays end up together. It's exhausting to watch it happen because they get into a cycle and keep doing it over and over. But I mean, if we're only going through one iteration of the cycle, it could have been entertaining because we're not gonna have to see them doing the same shit over and over. We just see the disaster once and then we're like, “Ooh, child. Glad that's not me.” 

That's where I wanted to land on this show, because that's where I thought they were going in the beginning. And then at the end, for it to descend into this kind of sappy, lovey-dovey, aren't-they-cute-and-sweet shit. That was the tragedy for me. That was what pissed me off. Not that they ended up together. The ship, couple, pair-branding, ship, whatever. I didn't care about any of that ‘cause as far as I'm concerned, I could see ways for those particular characters in those particular couples to end up together. But it felt so inauthentic. It felt unreal. It felt uncanny valley. It felt Stepford. I did not like it.

Ben

Exactly. The inauthenticity and the unearned feeling of it all is really what pissed me off. So when Mix’s character appears at the end and drops the line that Top said to Mew: “Can I be your friend, too?”

NiNi

And Top’s soul leaves his body? [laughs]

Ben

Like that would have landed if Top felt like a real person to me, but the show never gave us interiority for him in a way for me to care about how he feels in that moment. The show spent so much time its finale punching down on Boston for being disloyal sexually with people. And then like there's this goofy-ass victory lap. “Look at all these couples together!” Sand literally says, “I don't even know why I'm here.” Then Mix’s character walks in and it's like, oh, oh, there's trouble in paradise. I was like, “What the absolute fuck is the show?” 

How do we spend so many episodes castigating Boston for enjoying sex, and then we end on this nonsense? It was so shitty and I'm still not over the way they ended things for Boston and Nick. I don't think Boston and Nick should have ended up together, but I really hate that they don't get a poignant ending that owns the complex incompatibility that is going to keep them from working out. Instead, we end on a final shot of Boston, alone and dejected on the side of a nondescript street. [big sigh]

26:40 Where the Story Breaks Down

Ben

Boston is not an ethical slut. He introduced a guy to his friends to fuck with his friends. He brought Top around just to fuck with Ray. And then he got pissed because Top got serious about Mew, and he didn't care about Mew or respect Mew, and so that's why he fucked Top. 

But they don't really build into whatever the real beef is between Boston and Mew. We can project things into it. We can sit here and try to come up with meaning for why these people are together. Best I had was you just don't have a lot of options when you're homos. These are your friends. You stumble into a group of gays and you deal with it. That could be fine, but I really wish for all of the talk that this show was “only friends” that we really understood the function of this friend group and the nature of betrayal here, other than, “You fucked my boyfriend. Blah blah blah.”

NiNi

The back half of the show was missing a really good bitch. The front end of the show, Boston is the one out there pushing people's faces in their shit, and then the back half of the show he's like a little kicked dog. Boston is fucking terrible, but he was the truth teller, and that's what I was looking for, I guess, in the back half of this. And I hoped that Boeing would be that character and then that fizzled out. 

David

I can tell you when I think the narrative shift actually happened, and I've thought about this. I feel like three or four characters did things that seemed wildly out of place for their character. Even though we knew that that recording was going to get out somehow—that was a foregone conclusion. It being Sand…did not feel right at all. Ray finding out about the recording, and releasing it, was totally where I saw that coming from. But Sand being the one that did it is when it had a narrative shift to me that did not make sense.

Ben

You know what? I think it is that episode, because the way Boston responded to being confronted by Ray.

David

Right! I was going to say that next.

Ben

Where did that demon in him come from? Why does he feel so strongly about Ray like that?

David

Right! The more I thought about it, that is the episode something happened, some conversation in the writers room. Something happened somewhere. I firmly believe when they originally wrote that somehow Ray got ahold of the recording, and he directly took that recording to Mew. It does not make narrative sense to me in the way that they've presented Sand that he would have done it. 

And that whole episode and the episode after were people doing things that didn't make any sense for what we knew about the character up until then. Like when Boston loses his shit on Ray—didn't make any sense within the context of what was going on. Had he unloaded on Mew? Totally would have made sense.

Ben

That's what I wanted to see. I really wanted to see the crux of the differences between Mew and Boston really come to a head properly, and instead we get Boston yelling at Ray, “You're no better than me!” and then Mew decks Ray so that he can do his own ‘gotcha bitch’ moment with Top. 

That was incredibly unhinged. I liked the follow up for that where Mew was like I'm gonna get all of these bitches, and then he concocts his plan to get Boston’s sex tape just to be morally superior to him. That tracked completely for me. [laughs]

David

Oh oh yeah.

Ben

But like that's also sort of where the huge breakdowns occur because they make that confrontation primarily about Mew getting one up on Boston and making Boston grovel, but I just feel like we never really understood what the deal was with the two of them, because clearly they both felt some kind of way about the other but they never really express it to the camera. 

NiNi

That's the problem for all the fights that there were between Mew and Boston, I still don't have any sense of why they don't like each other. 

David

The thing that bothered me the most about this? My favorite part of most of the shows is friend groups that are ride-or-die for one another. You don't fuck with them. That's my girl. That's my boy. We gonna help you creep to him, but there gotta be rules. Unhinged friend groups that are down for one another like Secret Crush [On You]. Those kids sincerely fucking loved one another. We've seen good friend groups. 

This friend group. Why the fuck are y'all around one another? Mew doesn't respect Boston. Boston can't stand Mew. And at some point, you think they would have explained it. Like, maybe there was some guy that Mew liked that Boston fucked. I could see that in such a way that Boston doesn't even remember what dude it was. 

NiNi

I could even see just Mew hating Boston because Mew thinks he's a hoe, and Boston responding to that. But that doesn't even become part of the conversation. They're in this friend group together, but they hate each other. Okay. I can see that happening, especially when you're in college. You end up hanging out with a bunch of people, including this one bitch you can't stand. That's a thing. It occurs.

Ben

I wish we had really gotten at the envy that Mew definitely felt about Boston.

NiNi

Yes! There's like a seething envy between the two of them, and not just on Mew’s side, on Boston’s side as well. What I thought it was going in was that there was this weird kind of love/hate where they're mad jealous of each other, but they're also mad judgy about each other.

Ben

If this were like an American show, where we thought we might be getting more seasons, the two of them would definitely have the weirdest raunchiest sex scene at like the 60% mark of a second season.

[NiNi laughs]

NiNi

Their beef predates Top, but the show made their beef about Top. 

David

I feel like Boston has actually wanted to fuck Mew for awhile. I think, too, that he knows he can't get Mew; that's never gonna happen. Conversely, I think Mew wants to fuck Boston and cannot handle or deal with that, because he's created a veil around himself that is so righteous, so sanctimonious, that to even do that would shatter everyone's notions of who he is, and I think he turns that annoyance and anger about that situation towards Boston. 

I think they both want to fuck each other and the other one doesn't realize that the other one wants to fuck them. But if you look at it from that viewpoint, everything else makes sense. That they are fucking attracted to one another and Mew can't let it happen because of the picture he has painted of himself, and Boston can't look like he wants it because he knows he can't get Mew. 

NiNI

This is some of the stuff that I thought the show was playing with: self-image and our ideas about ourselves, and the way that we want to project certain things and maybe hide in our hearts what we really want. That's one of the things that I definitely thought the show was doing with Mew. Maybe Mew’s a hoe at heart, maybe he wants to be everything that Boston is, maybe he wants to fuck Boston. It's this weird thing, but it just never gets addressed. And then it gets glossed over entirely in favor of this being somehow about Top. 

This shit ain’t about Top!

David

Oh no! Top is definitely an ambulatory penis. 

[NiNi laughs]

As a great philosopher named Benjamin Tiberius once said: Dick is abundant [NiNi in unison] and low in value. This could have literally been any other dude. The primary powerful personalities in this friend group are Mew and Boston, and they are such strong personalities at opposing poles that they are constantly fracturing that group. Those other personalities in that group are not strong enough to counteract that.

Ben

Speaking of other personalities in that group, let's talk about Cheum and how much I fucking despise her.

NiNi

Do we have to talk about her? [laughs]

Ben 

Oh yes we do!

David

I was ready to defend Cheum until Ben turns around and goes, “But she's, like, mean.” She's consistently mean. And she gets away with it because she's the girl of the group. And in a lot of ways, she's as much of a status hopper as fucking Mew is. 

NiNi

She is the one who started pushing Mew towards Top. Boston brought him around, but she was the one who was like, “Don't you wanna sleep with a top-tier dude?” 

David

Yup! Yup!

NiNi

Girl, you, what? At one point in time, I thought that she was the shipper analog in this show because she is treating these boys like her Ken dolls that she's leaving around on the lot. Girl, go fuck your girlfriend and leave these boys alone. That's how I felt about it at one point in time. And then when she's sitting crying on the couch because the police have busted up her little party because Ray loved that booger sugar.

Ben

As her friends are being literally arrested by the cops, she takes that moment to go the fuck off on Ray.

NiNi

She makes that whole moment about her.

David

Yup.

Ben

That was so gross. And then she tried to weirdly play solidarity with Boston at that moment? “You don't care about me and Boston.” Me and Boston!

NiNi

There's a you and Boston?

Ben

I wish Boston had been fucking Atom at that exact moment and looked up like, “Who said my name?”

[David and NiNi laugh]

David

You imagine Boston just looking up and going, “I felt a baleful presence. What the fuck was that?”

NiNi

[laughs]Oh my God. 

Ben

It was so ridiculous. And she's like, “Oh, boohoo. These boys were mean to me.” Like, you are a lesbian crying on your girlfriend's shoulder because gay boys were mean to you? You ain’t strong enough. Get out of here.

David

And let's all talk about that. Now, bitch, don't pretend like you didn't know that Ray was basically Guns ‘N Roses in your goddamn party. Bitch, don't play with me. You lie to God. Don't lie to me. There ain't no way you didn't know that boy had pockets full of booger sugar, booze, ketamine. Don't play in my face like this, please.

Ben

Ray is also so embarrassing. You really wanted Mew that bad that you let him use you just to piss off Top. And then you spend half your time running around calling Sand a whore? Fuck Ray for always calling Sand a whore.

NiNi

And also, if he's gonna call you a whore, and you're gonna be okay with that because Sand is always somehow forgiving of that, then at least take the motherfucking money.

Ben

He did deserve financial compensation for having to put up with that entire friend group. 

38:40 Bottom Dementia™

Ben

David, let's talk about Boston and how his bottom dementia drove him insane and that's why he had to fuck Top so bad. 

[NiNi laughs]

David 

I was the first one to use bottom dementia, because I said, “Look, sometimes if you are a primary top and you find someone who makes you want to bottom, that bottom dementia make you go crazy.” 

He ain't going crazy over no bottom like this. This is a top who put it down good one time, and this boy is willing to risk it all. Friends, career, school. He just want the dick! Bottom Dementia is a real problem and affects 6 in every 10 gay men. 

[NiNi laughs]

What do you think poor Nick was going through? He had Nick turnt. Nick was bugging cars because the dick turned him so good. Do you know what kind of bottom dementia you gotta be going through to bug someone’s car and just be casual about it?

Ben

Not only did he casually bug the car.

David

Girl, he listened. He watched.

Ben

And then recorded the encounter. He then edited the clip so that he could listen to it just to hurt himself.

David

Bottom dementia! It is trademarked. I want my coins, and I am open for TED talks on bottom dementia. I've had one case of bottom dementia in my life. I know what it looks like. I went halfway across the country because of bottom dementia. I knew it when I saw Boston. I was like, “Oh, that's bottom dementia right there, girl. That's all that is.” I was like, I understand him though, like my sis is going through it right now. Y'all gotta let bottom dementia play out. It's like a sleepwalker. You can't just jostle them out of it. [NiNi laughs] Like, if you see someone going through bottom dementia, what you do is you make sure they're not thirsty and they've eaten—or maybe not eaten, depending on what stage of the bottom dimension they’re in. 

Ben

Gurl. 

[NiNi laughs harder]

David

You know, you just be there for them, because they're gonna come up out that fugue, and they're gonna be like, “Bitch!” And then you go, “Bitch…”

Ben

I almost understood it when they were in that car and Top's like, “Fine, I'm gonna do it,” and then tried to send that man into orbit. 

[NiNi laughs]

Aight, bro. Shit!

David

Let me tell you! That was not good for poor Boston, ‘cause that made the bottom dementia a lil crazier. So when he rejected homeboy—and that's how you cure bottom dementia. You just get rejected, or you get common sense. 

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

Like in my own case, it came when I was on the plane. I was like, “Am I really flying halfway across the country for dick? [NiNi laughs] Is your girl really sitting in coach class for dick? Did I not get my snack for dick? [Ben laughs] What is happening? Wait, wait, wait. Am I on Spirit Airlines for dick?”

NiNi

[laughs] I’m choking…

David

Girl! I—look! Man, I got off the plane, I called my girlfriend, I was like, “Let me tell you something, bitch.” 

She was like, “Mm-hmm.” 

I was like, “Girl, I'm on Spirit.” 

She's like, “Mhmm. Right!”

“In coach.” 

“Mm-hmm. Yup.” 

“Halfway across the country.” 

“Mhmm, right again.” 

“For dick?” 

She was like, “Sir. Ma'am, my sister in Christ.” 

Now I went and got that dick because, at that point, I mean I'm already there, you know, but, like… bottom dementia is a real thing, okay? Let me tell you, like, whether it's you realizing that you are in the throes of it in coach on Spirit Airlines [Ben and NiNi laugh] on a one o’clock  flight—Bitch, it was one in the morning. What is my life choices?

Ben

You caught a red eye??

[NiNi continues laughing]

David

Girl! Ben, for dick, girl, bottom dementia.

Ben

Speaking of bottom dementia, let's talk about Atom

David

Gurl…

NiNi

Woo. Jesus, fix it. Fix it, Jesus. 

David

Jesus, take the wheel, take the axle, take the car, like. Lord.

Ben

I don't mind the plot line. Atom being like, “Give me that dick. I want it.” Fine. Whatever. We've seen like three different cases of bottom dementia in this show now. You got Boston's for Top, Nick’s for Boston, and now Atom’s for Boston. And then there's also Sand for Ray—oh my God.

David

Girl! [Ben sighs]

NiNi

That ain’t bottom dementia. That’s something else entirely.

Ben

That's true. And so, it was expected. Cheum storming over there and whooping Boston's ass ‘cause she thought he laid hands on her brother, but not calling the cops on him? That was her being nice. I don't blame her for being as live as she was, but I do blame Mew. Because Mew was supposed to be smart—and definitely knew better—and just wanted to see Boston punished. 

And for as smart as he is, as much as he reads, choosing to let Boston go down that way is fucked up in ways that I just can't properly articulate, because there's no way you think it's okay for Boston—after you've helped him get out from under some sexual blackmail—would think that he would do that to somebody else. Let alone, Cheum’s brother. And letting that go down the way he did was, for me, the kind of unforgivable shit that a character can do. 

It tracks with the character because Mew is a mean bitch, but was too fucking far from Mew. 

Ray! Ray is drunk. I don't care about Ray.

David

Girl, Ray didn't know where he was. They said get in the car, we rolling. And Ray was like, okay. He put his flask in his pocket with his booger sugar and he got in the car. Ray barely knew what day it was.

Ben

But Mew definitely knew that Boston didn't do that to Atom, and he still let that go down. That was gross for me, and I hated the little perfunctory apology she gives Boston about that whole situation and then two scenes later it's like, “Okay, time for you to apologize to everybody for all the shit you did.” I'm like, “[scoffs] is? Is that how this is going down?

NiNi

No, you see. You ain't got smoke for Cheum over how that shit went down with Boston over at him, but I got smoke for that bitch, and here's why. It is one thing to be live about somebody you think did something to your little brother. Be live about that. 100%. But the way she was live? The shit that she said? 

“Oh, my brother was straight before. What did you do to him?” Come the fuck on? 

David

Her whole verbiage of that… as one of the gay men near her, I would have been like, “Bitch, what is that supposed to mean? Ain't nobody gonna check this bitch about what she just said?” 

NiNi

That scene was when I was over Mew. I was over Cheum. Them two were completely out of control. 

David

Because of another little BL group I'm in, I started doing all this research on… trigger warning guys, sexual assault and date rap drugs and all that… and it's like a major issue there. And I thought the way that this show touched on that did everyone involved a disservice. 

Cheum, when her brother said he lied, she should have beat his ass in the middle of the kitchen. Why would you lie about something like that? Do you know the consequences of that kind of lie? You, identifying as a straight man, told me that one of my gay friends raped you.

Ben

I really hate that she reassured her brother.

David

When he lied, I decided, “Oh no, Atom is done.” We don't lie about that. I don't care what the fuck his reasons are. That shit was foul.

Ben

I do not like Cheum. I do not like Atom. I do not like Mew. I don't like any of these bitches! I was watching this like I was an older patron at Yo's bar. “What’s going on with the twinks these days?”

“Oooh, girl, let me tell you…” 

“Oh, Lord. And then he did what?” 

“Girl, he punched his own friend in the bar so he couldn't out that man, just so he could go fuck him up at home.” 

“Damn, that bitch is crazy.” 

That's how I was watching this whole show. 

47:38 Do Not Take Only Friends Seriously

Ben

The thing here is, the show was just meant as entertainment. Do not take this show seriously. A lot of us like to write meta. We like to really engage with the stories and stuff. But, as David and I are fond of saying to all of the gays around us when they ask us for help and then don't do what we tell them they need to do to get out of their situation: “I can't want more for you than you want for yourself.” 

This show does not want a lot for itself. I'm not going to pretend like this show was deeper than it was. This was a fun romp where a bunch of the BL boys got to cut loose for a little bit and have a good time, and that's totally fine. If you watch it as just the BL boys and some of their friends got to do a cracked-out, messy gay show, and we got to have some fun moments, it's fine. 

Are we going to want to engage with this more seriously as a lens into queer life? I don't know. Like, there are some things to talk about, and I think there's some great shit to talk about with Nick and Boston. But overall? Mmmm…It’s fine. It's fun while you're watching it. There is no need to return to it.

NiNi

I just wish, and this is the thing that I try not to do with shows, but I think in this case it's justified. I just wish it was something else. For whatever reason, it's very clear that something in this show got changed during its run, and I just wish that they had been able to make the show that they clearly envisioned at the start.

Ben

I think we thought the show was going to be broader than it was, in terms of interacting with the queer experience. And it's fine if that's not what the creators intended. I feel like that's something we wanted from it. I don't think it's something that was necessarily promised to us. The only thing that was promised to us that we didn't get was Sand and his motherfucking bat. 

NiNi

Now, you know how I feel about pilot trailers, Ben. I do not trust them.

Ben

It's less about that he didn't actually wield the bat. It's that the character pitched out there seemingly had a stronger sense of self than Sand ended up having in the final, and that irks me. Where is the version of Sand that was mad as hell and took a bat clearly about to go break something? Bring him back!

David

The whole narrative shift is so weird and awful, and Sand and Boston are probably the two biggest victims of it.

Ben

When did the show shift for me? The moment Sand called Ray his 25th hour. I was like, “Oh, what the fuck just happened??”

NiNi

Eww….

Ben

We don't have to wring meaning out of this experience. Like, we had a good time. We got some laughs. Mond kissed all of the boys. Whatever.

51:00 Final Thoughts (Two Months Later)

Ben

Hello again, folks. We apologize for the abrupt end to the last section. When we were recording this with David, we ran into an unfortunate hour and a half long string of technical difficulties, and some of the recording was lost, and we do not have the capacity in us to try and rebuild the end of that segment. 

So, couple of months away from Only Friends, NiNi and I are back together, and we brought another guest with us, and we're going to wrap this up. So, everyone welcome Ginny back to this side of the podcast, Ginny, say “hello.”

Ginny

Hey!

Ben

What I kind of want to talk about now, a couple of months away from the show, what from Only Friends, if anything, sticks with you at this point?

Ginny

Disappointment. [laughs] Really, Boston and Nick as characters and, what I hoped, and was ultimately frustrated by in their stories. But I did, really, love so much of what was done with their characters, and when I think about the show, it's mostly the two of them—both separately and together—that I think about.

Ben

What about you, NiNi? You had an ongoing rankings board for 12 weeks on this show. What sticks with you from it at this point?

NiNi

Definitely Boston. That's been haunting me for a while, but it also, oddly enough, Top. Because I feel like my conception of Top was more interesting than what the show gave us, and so I've been stuck with a lot of Top headcanons, which is a weird place for me to be in. They missed a trick, I think, when it came to Top, and the whole TopMew dynamic. 

Ben

For me, nothing about the show itself sticks. Only thing that I think of when I think about Only Friends was Neo did a really good job, and I really liked Mark. And that's not great. 

I think whether it was spoken or not, a lot of us hoped that this show would join the gay canon, and it doesn't. The way this show lets down its audience on the sexual politics towards the end is truly unforgivable and it has made me think less of Jojo. I don't know how much of this is him, or how much of this is the powers that be at GMMTV, but it was kind of weird, with as online as Jojo is, just sort of laughing about how Boston's a fugly slut. And that's where, sort of being where the show ends, being really surprising for me from him, ‘cause I thought he had a stronger grasp on his characters. 

I really hate that one of the shows we were most anticipating ends up being barely worth mentioning? It sucks, because, I think, a lot of the talent in this really put themselves out there and pushed themselves beyond their comfort zones. It really sucks how flat Only Friends feels by the end, because the early parts of watching this were just so fun. The need to make bolder and more risque or more interesting storytelling seems to be at odds with whoever has the final say on what goes into these stories, and Only Friends seems to be a very obvious victim of that.

NiNi

It's a show that should have been fun. In the end, it was not fun. I would give this show seven and a half, and the half point is for the stylistic elements. I'm sad to be rating Only Friends a seven and a half because up to episode 6 this was probably like a 9.5 show for me.

Ben

Ginny, what about you?

Ginny

I still have to think about my final rating. Because yeah, the first half and a bit—fully 9.5. And then by the end I want to put it down in the 7 zone. I think at the moment it's sitting at 8.5 on my MyDramaList, but as time has passed and I haven't gotten over the things that made me sad about it, I think it's going down to at least an 8, and it may sink further as time passes and my bitterness pickles.

Ben

Pickles is a good term for it. It's a 7. It is not an easy show to recommend. It is a show, that if you're going to tell someone to watch it, you have to give caveats for. You have to explain that something is going on politically with this show in terms of what it was allowed to do, and how that seriously impacts the end. Anytime you have to recommend a show with a pamphlet explaining things, or learning people about things, it lowers for me immediately. 

If this was any other creator, they should have gotten a 5, because I was Gay Mad about this show.

Ginny

Yep.

Ben

I was not expecting to be Gay Mad at Jojo. The fact that this is Jojo and NiNew, and I liked the cast, and it feels like meddling and not necessarily the creators per se, is the only reason this gets a 7.

NiNi

7, 7.5, 8, so that's an average of a. 7.5.

Ben

You know what it is? It's a chop!

NiNi

It's a chop, and I am so sad to be saying that about this show, about a Jojo show. So sad, but that's where we are.

Ben

And on that note, we will see you all in the next episode—which one is it, NiNi?

NiNi

I don't know. Whatever ends up happening ends up happening.

Ben

Oh, God, the next episode is Swoon. 

[NiNi laughs] 

We will see you next week for I Feel You Linger in the Air.

NiNi

It might be the same week! You don't know when things are going up. My calendar is a little wonky, right now.

Ben

We will see you in a few days [laughs] for I Feel You Linger in the Air. The Swoon episode.

NiNi

We out. Say “bye” to the people, Ginny. 

Ginny

Bye-bye. 

NiNi

Say bye to the people, Ben.

Ben

Peace!

[boldlyvoid]

I Know Places 3: Omnivore

18+ Aaron Hotchner x Fem Reader | Masterlist | AO3 link

Summary: Reader thought that Aaron was depressed post-divorce and following the death of Kate Joyner... nothing compares to how he is dealing with the mass amounts of guilt surrounding The Boston Reaper.

Warnings: Canon Typical Violence (child sexual assault, arson, murder, burn victims, death), background moreid hurt/comfort, mutual pining, depression, suicidal thoughts/feelings, deep emotional chats, love confession, first kisses, lots of kissing

Word count: 8.1k

The last couple of months have been nice. Neither she or Aaron has gotten hurt, which is the best part, but it’s also been nice just getting closer to one another. They’ve continued their phone calls at night, they get dinner together sometimes after work, she’s met Jack and accompanied him and Aaron to the museum on one of Aaron’s weekends alone with him. Aarons has been over to her place, and even spent the night a few times now.

It’s been lovely, actually.

Something changed after the cult case. After she was held hostage and beaten pretty badly. He took care of her, he got closer to her than ever before… she can’t really remember much from that night right after the case, all she knows is she woke up in his arms again and she never wanted to leave.

They’ve shared a bed in every case since then.

As for the rest of the team; JJ had her baby, a little boy named Henry. He’s adorable. So, needless to say, JJ was out of the field for a while, other than that, not much has changed at work.

Something is defiantly going on with Reid and Morgan… Reid had his own special case just before JJ had her baby, he remembered a case from when he was a kid and thought maybe his dad was a killer or worse. Derek stayed back with him in Vegas to figure it all out, they bonded over it too. Having similar childhood trauma, Derek was the only one who could really talk to him about everything he went through as a kid. She was glad they had each other.

Penelope’s even been trying to get them all to go on “double— triple? … quadruple? Quintuple dates!!” Seeing as everyone in the BAU has a significant other now. JJ and Will never come because they have a baby, she and Hotch don’t go because the assumption that they’re a couple is still awkward for them as they haven’t admitted to the other that they even like each other yet. And Reid and Morgan are too busy having alone time together to go out in public yet.

And then there’s the ever-secretive David Rossi… Dave’s been talking to one of his ex-wives again. He’s been happier. He’s whistling in the mornings and not staying as late anymore. He’s definitely getting laid.

All this gossip is stuff that she and Aaron have talked about lately. They would stay up late, either on the phone or at her apartment, chatting about anything and everything… And at the end of the night, when he’s at her place, they’d get ready for bed together, he’d slip into her bed on the side she never slept on and they’d fall asleep, cuddled into one another. On nights he didn’t come over, however, they’d still get ready for bed together, their phones on speakerphone, and they’d talk until one of them started to drift off.

She loved this new tradition. So seeing it come to an end so soon, it broke her heart a little.

Aaron's lowest point wasn’t getting divorced. It wasn’t losing Kate Joyner. It was letting the Boston Reaper getaway. Again.

It all started with a phone call. Tom Shaunessy’s care nurse called Aaron one morning while they were on their way into the office, inviting him out to Boston as Tom was dying and this was his final wish. Aaron couldn't just say no, so that night after work, she drove him to the airport.

When he got back the next morning, she picked him up and he knew something was up. Something happened… at first, she thought he was there as Tom died, then they got to the office and Penelope handed him a copy of The Michigan Post from March 1998. As it would turn out, Shaunessy made a deal with a serial killer, he vowed to the Boston Reaper that he wouldn’t kill anymore as long as Shaunessy stopped hunting him. He agreed, the killings stopped and he sent Aaron and the rest of his team home.

As soon as Tom died, The Reaper killed again. A young couple first, an older couple second and then a bus full of people simply because Aaron wouldn’t take another deal from him. She was there when it happened. She was sitting beside him in their hotel room when he got the call.

At first, she thought there was another attack, they had only been at the hotel a few minutes. It was only 9 pm, normally he didn’t hit until later at night. She got out of bed to start getting dressed again as Aaron answered the phone. She watched his expression change almost instantly. The heavy breathing on the other end was loud enough for her to hear… it was The Reaper.

“Who is this?” “If you stop hunting me I’ll stop hunting them,” the deep, sinister voice started. “you think I’d take that?” Aaron spits back, pissed that he’d even suggest it to him. “It’s a good deal.” “I’ve misjudged you. I thought that you were smarter than this.” “You should take it.” “Then you’ve misjudged me.” “This is your last chance,” The Reaper says, audibly angry that it’s not going to be this easy this time. “I don’t make deals. I’m the guy who hunts guys like you,” Aaron says, stern and confident. Angry as all hell. “There are no guys like me.” “You all think that,” Aaron spits. “You’ll regret this.” “I’ll see you soon,” Aaron says and then slams the phone down on the receiver.

She doesn't say anything, she watches him run his hands through his hair and turn towards the window in their room. He’s watching them. He knows where they are. He finally turns to her, “This is going to get messy.”

“We’re used to that,” she reminds him. “They all make contact with the police, they insert themselves into the investigation every time. We know this.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be that east this time.”

-

They couldn’t go back to sleep. They waited and waited for another call- for the police to report another killing. Another couple in their car or a single woman stabbed a bunch of times the way he liked to do… what he actually did wasn’t at all what they were used to.

The Reaper was more than mad. He was furious that Aaron wouldn’t take the deal. It’s like he wanted the deal. He wanted a reason to stop but Aaron's words just made him need to kill even more. There were 7 people on the bus, including the driver. They were all shot multiple times and then the women were stabbed.

And when Aaron stepped onto the scene… when he saw what The Reaper did because of him, he almost threw up.

Rossi follows him around the side of a building, down an alleyway and away from the scene. Leaving Y/N and Morgan at the bus alone to check what was taken and what was left. There were numbers left on the window in blood 1488, 201, 1439. And The Reaper's calling card. An eye drawn in blood on the front window of the bus.

She heads around to find Aaron, wanting to ask what he thinks of the numbers when she finds Rossi handing him his gun. “You convinced me…” Dave explains.

Aaron pushes the gun away and wipes his eyes.

“No, no, you hung up on him. You practically killed them yourself,” Dave pushes even further. “Go ahead, get it over with. Don’t worry about us, we’ll get this guy without you.”

“Dave I had 10 years to do something about it!” Aaron fights back, trying to reason with him that his reaction is warranted.

“Shaunessy made the deal, the killing stopped, he closed the case and sent the BAU away. For 10 years you worked on active cases—

“But I kept coming back to this one,” he admits. “I kept coming back to this profile.”

“Hey, I was retired. Should I blame myself?” Dave pushes. “Is it my fault for every victim died while I was out on my book tours? Look. If you want to end up like Shaunessy, like Gideon, blaming yourself for everything, you go ahead. But that voice in your head is not your conscience, it's your ego. This isn’t about us, Aaron. it’s about the bad guys. That’s why We Profile Them. It’s their fault. We’re just guys doing a job. And when we stop doing it, someone else will. Trust me. I know.”

“You can put that away,” Aaron looks down at the gun and then back at Rossi. Neither one of them notice her and Morgan standing there, watching.

“You sure?”

“It’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?” Aaron manages to give him a little smile.

Before they turn towards them, he and Morgan rush back to the front of the building and pretend they never saw a thing. But she saw it. She saw the tears in his eyes and the hurt in his soul. This is going to affect him for a while.

“What did you find?” Aaron asks them once he rounds the corner.

“The bus driver has the wedding band taken from the male vic at the last attack,” Morgan explains. “But I can’t figure out the importance of the numbers on the windows?”

“Send them to Reid, he might know,” Aaron suggests.

“Wait…” Dave says as he looks through the windows. “I know those numbers?” He pulls out his little evidence book from his pocket and flips to the most recent page. “Those are the addresses to George Foyet’s apartments.”

Foyet, being a man they interviewed only yesterday. He was the only survivor of the original killings in 1998. He was stabbed over 67 times in the chest while in his car with his girlfriend… after the case, Foyet healed, he recovered and he disappeared. He essentially killed off every part of who he used to be, making himself somewhat of a ghost that even Penelope couldn’t track down. The only way they could find him was through another guy, Roy Colson who wrote a book on The Reaper and interviewed Foyet. He gave them three possible addresses for him.

1488 Edenhurst, 201 South Brookline, and 1439 Yarborough.

“Okay we’ll split up,” Aaron announces. “Me and Dave will take South Brookline, you and Morgan take Edenhurst, we’ll get the police to do Yarborough, let’s go.”

—

When they arrive on the scene, she heads around back and Derek kicks in the front door to clear the house. It’s scarily quiet and dark, she holds her flashlight up as she checks out the yard and heads towards the shed in the back. That’s when she hears it. With a loud crash, she holds down the talk button on her in-ears and speaks, “Morgan?”

No answer. She rushes around the front and see’s Derek laying on the ground surrounded by glass. He was thrown out the window and he’s unconscious. “I need medical assistance at 1488 Edenhurst, I have a federal agent down, I repeat, a federal agent is down at 1488 Edenhurst!”

She doesn’t approach him, she simply keeps her eyes out for The Reaper, her gun drawn, she keeps her back to the street and watches the house. “Come out here and face me like a man, you sick fuck!”

From behind her, she hears a laugh. Deep and dark like the phone call. She turns around in search of the voice but no one is there, she shines her flashlight on the street, across the neighbour's bushes and then she turns back to the house. He’s gone. Disappearing into the darkness of the night as the sirens are heard approaching the street.

She heads back over to Derek then, he’s coming to and trying to sit up. She holsters her gun again, “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Don’t move too fast, you have glass all in your shoulder.”

“Did you get him?” He asks.

“No. I heard him laughing at me, but he got away. I couldn’t figure out where he went, it was like he was right behind me but when I turned there was nothing… he-he just disappeared. Like a ghost.”

The paramedics are the first on the scene, they get Derek off the ground and inside Foyet’s house. They sit him down on the back of the couch for height and cut him out of his shirt so they can start pulling the glass from his shoulder. That’s when they find it.

He left Derek with a bullet. Unused, gold and shiny, in the pocket of his jeans. “What did he take?” Y/N asks.

“I don’t—” Derek looks around at all his things and then he realizes. “He took my credentials.”

“At least that’s all he took,” Aaron’s voice is heard from the doorway. “Are you okay?”

Derek nods, “I’ll be fine…”

Aaron heads off deeper into the house, she hasn’t left Derek's side so she hasn’t seen what state the house is in… “Y/N,” Aaron calls out to her. “Come see this.”

She follows his voice into the kitchen and that’s when she sees it. The whole floor is covered in blood, signs of a struggle and a drag mark leading out the back door. “I didn’t even notice the back door was open when I was checking out back? Holy shit…”

“He has Foyet,” Aaron says, confident that this is his blood and no one else. “He finally got him.”

Reid comes running onto the scene then, JJ not far behind him. He rushes to Morgan's side, “are you okay?”

“Reid,” Aaron calls out to him. “I need you back here.”

“Go, it’s okay,” Derek assures him.

Spencer walks right into the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks, “oh, wow…”

“How much do you think is here?”

“The average human has 5 quarts of blood in their system… I’d say this is close to half that. No one could lose this much blood at once and survive,” Reid explains.

“We need to regroup. Somethings off with the profile,” Aaron announces. “Why would he leave Foyet alive all this time just to get him now?”

“Foyet disappeared,” she reminds him. “Penelope said he was like a g— oh my god?”

“What?” Aaron asks.

“The Reaper, he was outside with me, he was laughing, I couldn’t figure out where he was in the dark and I said to Derek it was like I was looking for a ghost.”

Hotch rushes out of the kitchen towards the living room where the rest of the team is around Morgan. “Why would he go after Foyet?” Aaron poses to the team.

“I don't know?” Derek shrugs.

“He’s not a threat at all,” JJ says with a roll of her eyes.

“He kills men quickly and easily, but women and girls… the younger they are the more time he spends with them. He likes to stab. Stabbing represents a sex act. He likes them younger. Specifically teenagers… Amanda Bertrand, she was only 19. She was a freshman and he was her teacher's assistant,” Hotch explains. “Y/N said The Reaper was like a ghost, Penelope said the same thing about Foyet. What are the chances that both men would be sexually interested in teenagers and disappear easily?”

“The guys a hebephile,” Rossi states. “But how would he be able to stab himself 67 times and call 911?”

“He called 911 before he stabbed himself after he killed Amanda. That’s why he was the last victim, that’s why he disappeared, he had Shaunessy agree to the deal right after that. He both inserted himself into the investigation and made it so we wouldn’t think twice about him,” Aaron keeps going. “Get Penelope on the phone.”

JJ whips out her cell and starts the call, “Hey is Derek—

“He’s fine,” Hotch answers for him. “Penelope I need to know everything about Amanda Bertrand.”

“Oh, okay, uh,” she stumbles around, typing furiously. “She was 19, a freshman. She came to Boston from Michigan to go to school.”

“Michigan. That’s where The Reaper had Shaunessy put out the personal ad in the paper,” Hotch remembers. “what were Foyet’s aliases?”

“Kevin Baskin, Mark Holden and William Parker,” Rossi reads from his notepad.

“Garcia—

“got it, sir.”

“I need you to look them up in the Boston City Records— try the Department of Education,” Hotch asks.

“Well played sir, they all work for the Department of Education as substitute teachers… they all teach computer science—

“High school?” Hotch asks, knowingly.

“Yeah… oh wait,” Garcia pauses.

“What?”

“William Parker was fired for alleged inappropriate behaviour with his female students,” Penelope reads off her screen.

They all watch as Aaron stares off, remembering something that he isn’t sharing with the rest of them.

“Hotch?” JJ tries to bring him back to the conversation.

“Aaron,” Y/N reaches out for his hand. “What is it?”

“Colson. Foyet called him, he wanted to meet with him.”

“Garcia,” Dave is about to ask her to track his phone.

“I’m already on it,” She explains furiously typing away. “Give me one second to triangulate… okay, he’s at 2633 South Babylon.”

“Come on,” Hotch orders, stand-in up and reaching for his bulletproof vest again. “George Foyet is The Reaper.”

Getting out to their SUVs happens in the blink of an eye, and the police follow them in their squad cars. It’s only been 6 hours since the phone call. To hear the police rushing down the streets at 3 am, everyone in Boston knew something was going down. Everyone gets off the street, allowing them to race down the roads as fast as they could, rushing to the 1 house Foyet didn’t tell them about.

“How did this guy afford to rent 4 different homes in Boston?” Y/N asks. “Seriously, what kind of freelance computer guy makes that kind of money?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron shrugs, going 120 down the road, he’s not even really listening. He only cares about getting there before Colson’s death is on his hands too.

When they pull up to the house, Roy’s car is parked on the street and all the lights are on inside. There’s movement in the front window, behind the curtain, causing them to all head around back. Dave jiggles the back door handle and it opens, Hotch is the first one inside, gun drawn, clearing the room as they head around to the front room. There’s a clear view from the back door to the front door, Aaron and Rossi start slowly walking towards, it, blocking the exits so that they have him surrounded. He’s yelling at Roy, preoccupied with why it was never published that The Reaper made a deal with Shaunessy. He doesn’t even notice they’ve entered the house.

With Hotch and Rossi in front of him in the dining room, Y/N, Morgan and Reid make their way around to the little room behind the dining area, boxing him in so he can’t even think about running.

“It’s over,” Hotch makes their presence known.

“Stop!” Foyet yells, holding his gun to Roy’s head. “I’ll kill him.”

“You need him to write your story,” Hotch reminds him.

“I’m taking him with me, I’ll let him go as soon as I’m safe,” he tries to broker another deal.

“No, you’re not,” Hotch is so done with his shit that everyone can hear it in his voice.

“I said I’ll kill him!”

“You kill him, I kill you,” Hotch bites right back. Calmer than ever. He has the guy, he knows this is so close to being over.

“you think I’m afraid to die?” Foyet laughs in his face.

“You’re not afraid. You’re greedy and narcissistic. You want the recognition that’s going to come the book that he’s going to write. You want the fame that’s going to come from the media. It’s gonna be like Bundy,” Hotch profiles him right to his face.

“I’m going to be bigger than Bundy,” Foyet says with a smile.

“Well, you can’t enjoy it if you’re dead.”

“If you know me so well how come so many people had to die to bring you here?” He rubs it in, profiling Aaron right back and digging in where it hurts.

“It’s your choice, not mine. You’re the serial killer,” he reminds both himself and Foyet.

“That’s right,” he says, starting to lower his weapon. He turns back to Morgan and smiles. “Hello Derek,” he teases, putting his gun down on the table and in a rare turn of events, it’s Reid who grabs him by the back of the neck and pins him to the wall and begins to cuff him.

“Where’s my badge?” Derek asks as Spencer flings him around, holding him by the cuffs. Foyet starts to smirk and so Derek grabs his hair and tugs his head to the side, staring right at him now. “Where is it you son of a bitch?”

“I’m going to be more famous than you even realize,” he teases one last time before Spencer hands him over to the cops so he can be processed and booked into the nearest prison.

Once he’s out of the room, Aaron checks on Roy and Y/N and JJ let in the detectives. “Reach this place high and low, I want no stone gone unturned. Find me trophies, evidence, anything you can that can really get this fucker pinned and locked up for the rest of his life,” Y/N explains to them. “And if you find Agent Morgan's credentials, you know where to mail it.”

“Let's go home,” Aaron announces to the rest of them, taking his in-ears out and pulling on the Velcro strap of his vest. He’s so over this case.

—

The flight home isn’t too long. They touch down around 6 am and all head back inside the building together. Headed up to their floor, everyone is quiet. They’re exhausted, they can’t wait to file their paperwork and head home to sleep the rest of the day… they get about 20 minutes into their paperwork when JJ gets a call and goes running from her office, down to Aarons.

“Foyet escaped?”

Just then, their phones start to ring, the detectives called Y/N and she grabs Reid right away taking him to the fax machine, the one in her ear says that they found schematics to all electrical, water and heating ducts to every single correctional facility, prison and courthouse in Massachusetts. He was planning this for far longer than anyone thought. He knew this day would come and he was ready for it.

He was going to be bigger than Bundy… and Aaron had to find a way to live with that.

—

She notices a shift in him, this one is worse than after Haley served him the papers at work.

He wasn’t just depressed this time… he hated himself a bit now. He hated that he never gave the profile in ’98, he hates that he didn’t realize that The Reaper leaving a witness was weird. He hated himself for not watching George Foyet carefully as he was brought to prison.

He feels like everything is his fault.

She watches him stay later than ever, he misses nights with his son and they don’t talk on the phone anymore. His nose is constantly in his files, trying to find a way to figure out where George Foyet would be before he takes another life.

She walks up to his office one night, having left already just to grab some dinner, she returns only to make sure he eats. She knocks on his door, “Hey… hungry?”

He looks up at her from his files and he softens, “Starving… thank you.”

She places the bag on his desk, “You need to take care of yourself, too, you know? You can’t catch this guy if you’re withering away to nothing.”

“You say that as if you don’t love taking care of me?” He teases, knowing her way too well.

“Okay, whatever,” she jokingly rolls her eyes, taking both their meals out of the bag, she places his in front of him and then takes her own to the other side of the desk.

She went to a nice restaurant and ordered a meal she knew he would appreciate. A steak with a baked potato and steamed vegetables. He opens the container and he can’t believe it, “you didn’t have to get all this?”

“When was the last time you had a good meal?”

He thinks about it but genuinely doesn’t remember. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she shoots him a sweet smile. “What are you working on?”

“A way to track Foyet,” he explains with a sigh. “I’m not getting too far.”

“That’s okay… you know you don’t have to look for him alone, right? It doesn’t just fall on your shoulders because you’re the only one still on the team from ’98.”

“I know,” he says between bites, hand over his mouth because it’s “impolite” to talk with his mouth full. “I just feel… terrible? He wanted to make a deal and instead of leading him on and continuing to look for him behind the scenes, I just made him angrier. He has to start over now, make new aliases, find a new place to stay, and figure out how to get all the millions of meds he takes without someone recognizing him from the news… I’ve made his life a living hell and he’s going to repay the favour. I know it.”

“You know serial killers don’t have rational thoughts, I mean, look at Ed Kemper, he really thought that he had to kill his mom's best friend because she’d be sad to learn her friend died and so her being dead too, stopped her from being sad… they don’t make any sense, you really can’t blame yourself for that,” she explains.

He just nods along, trying not to bring it back to himself. The self-pity is so strong, he really believes part of the weight needs to land on his shoulders.

“Why don’t we get out of here?” She suggests, “Just leave the files, leave the work here, let’s go eat our dinner somewhere else… we can eat in my car, we could drive somewhere or go to my apartment? Let’s just get you out of here for a while.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” he agrees, he stands up and puts the lid back on his container and she follows his lead. “But I’m driving and we’re taking my car…”

“Okay,” she doesn’t mind. “You’ll just have to bring me back to work tomorrow.”

“I can do that,” he agrees. “It’s not like we haven’t been carpooling after I spend the night for the last few months, anyway.”

He slips back into his suit jacket and grabs his bag and keys. He holds everything in one hand and she offers to take his food for him, he places his hand on her back and leads her out of his office. “How would you feel about staying at mine tonight instead?”

“I don’t mind at all, I just need to grab my go bag from my car,” she agrees.

They take his SUV, he drives them to his own apartment and for the first time ever, she goes inside with him. They put their food on real plates, warm them up in his microwave and sit at his tiny dining table.

“How long have you had this place?” She asks.

“I got it just after my suspension. Right after Haley threatened to leave me… I think she was already seeing someone else,” he admits.

“What?” She can’t believe that. “Why?”

“Someone called the house phone and when I picked up and answered… they hung up and called her cell instead. It wasn’t her mom or her dad, it wasn’t her sister either. I know all their numbers. Someone called expecting her to be home alone during the day and when I answered, it threw them off. I knew that whoever they were was a secret she was keeping from me and she knew I knew it too.”

That just makes her angry, “I can’t believe she could even entertain the idea of cheating on you.”

“I’m not that—

“Stop talking down about yourself. You’re handsome, you’re a wonderful dad, you’re funny and kind and you care. I mean, you watch the boring TV shows I like just so we can talk about it together. I’d kill to have a husband like you and she just threw it all away? And for what? Have you ever met the guy? Has Jack?” She rants, visibly angry.

“I’ve asked, she won’t tell me,” he answers the last two questions but smiles because of the rest of it. “Thank you… you know, you’re pretty nice to know too.”

“Just pretty nice? I buy you steak and nurse you back to health and I’m just pretty nice?” She teases.

“Fine, I think you’re—“ they’re cut off by his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He takes out his phone and see’s JJ’s number. “Where are we headed?”

—

They get pulled out to Royal, Indiana for an arsonist case that’s claimed over 31 bodies so far. Aaron's stress level was already at an all-time high, watching people die again is just making it worse. He’s angry, he’s being a bit of an asshole… he even snapped at Penelope of all people.

And he’s not the only one in this mood, the whole town is pissed. That’s to be expected, they’re losing family and friends and memories to fire. First the rec centre, then the movie theatre and just today, the local bar. The bar fire is the most important to the investigation, seeing as he didn’t go after a larger crowd of victims, which means he’s going after individuals. They just have to figure out which victim it was.

Nancy, the bartender, she lived… she’s just barely hanging on, but still available for questioning. Aaron goes to see her. This is the second time he’s held a woman’s and hand stayed with her while she’s died of extreme burns and smoke inhalation.

At the station, Y/N and Reid are sitting together, going over the victims' lives with Penelope.

“I’m worried about Aaron,” Y/N whispers to their small group.

“He’s going to be okay,” Spencer shrugs it off. “We all have cases that hurt more than others, it sucks for a while but then you either catch the guy or enough time passes that you build some scar tissue and forget about it.”

“What if he never forgets about it? We’ve seen cops go through this. Something happens and they feel so guilty, like if they were there 10 minutes earlier or if they did something different, it eats at them and then they die too,” she whispers, her heart aching for him. “We need to intervene at some point. We can’t let it get worse… what Rossi did- handing him his gun- that only worked because he got embarrassed around a coworker. What happens when he goes home and he’s alone and it all catches up to him? What if he doesn’t show up to work one day and it’s because he’s killed himself? What do we do then?”

Reid gets up and pulls her into a hug, “Hey, hey, don’t think like that.”

She rests her chin on his shoulder and lets out a sigh. “I love him, Spence, I can’t lose him.”

“You loving him is exactly what he needs to stay here,” he reminds her, rubbing her back, soothingly. “Let him know, spend more time with him, get him to talk. You’re good at that. You’re warm and inviting and he’s going to want to tell you things. Listen, keep his secrets and let him know you love him… even if you just tell him it’s friendly, either way, I think he’s going to appreciate it.”

She pulls back and she nods, wiping her tears from her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right.”

“When am I ever wrong?” Spencer teases, trying to make her laugh a little. He succeeds, she giggles and swats his arm lightly. “You know, it’s really nice being friends and going through stuff at the same time… I didn’t think I’d have anyone to talk to when I eventually fell in love.”

Her heart soars for him, “oh, Spence, really? You and Derek?”

He nods, “Yeah…”

“I’m always free to talk whenever you want to,” she reminds him.

“I know,” he smiles. “Now come on, we should call Penelope and at least start a theory before they all return. I don’t want them to think all we did was gossip this whole time.”

—

At the end of the case, they’ve caught a killer but they don’t feel good about it. So many lives were ruined, it could’ve all been avoided years ago if people knew how to treat children kindly… that’s the case for so many of these killers. They’re raised through terrible events in their childhood, events that shaped them into monsters and nothing could stop them from wreaking havoc on a small town just like this.

They take the plane home late that night, she drove in with Aaron so he has to drive her home, too.

It’s a quiet drive. She can tell he’s stuck in his own mind and she wants to ask what’s going on in there but she can’t get the words to come out. Instead, when he pulls up at her apartment, she reaches out for his hand, “Come in with me?”

“Okay,” he agrees quickly.

They barely slept the last few days, scared that their hotel would go up in flames if the arsonist knew they were in town and trying to stop him… so Aaron looks tired. Exhausted, even.

They get out together, she walks around the front of the SUV and he meets her there. She takes his hand and she leads him inside. They kick their shoes off at the door, she helps him out of his suit jacket and hangs it up on the coat hook. He undoes his tie and the first couple of buttons and she smiles, “You want a drink?”

He shakes his head. “I just want to get in bed.”

“Okay,” she doesn’t mind either way. She leads the way down to her bedroom and he’s right there behind her.

He’s been over so much lately that some of his things are still there. She’s done a load of laundry and washed a few of his nightshirts and boxers that he’s left in the bathroom after his morning showers. He always comes out smelling like her shampoo, so she went out and got his usual body wash to keep in there, so she can have his smell back on her sheets. She’s worn his shirt to bed a few times too… she just loves him and when he’s not around she wants to pretend that he is.

She sets out some of his things on the bed while he’s in the bathroom, he has a toothbrush in there too… he could move in if he wanted and she’d be fine with it. More than fine with it. She never wants him to leave.

She changes in her closet, it’s pretty big— a walk-in closet, actually. She hangs up her suit on the “has to go to the dry cleaners” side and changes into her pyjamas before she heads back out into her room.

He’s already changed, standing there in his underwear, looking through her bookshelf, trying to pick out something to read in bed while she watches her show… it’s just what they do.

“What one are you going for tonight?” She asks.

“Hello Sadness,” he says, holding it up for her. “Where’d you get this?”

“Spencer,” she says with a smile. “He said that one is the best translation from the original version. bonjour tristesse.”

“Did you like it?” He asks.

She nods, “It’s good, it’s about a girl and her father who live in France, her dad has been a widower for a long time and his late wife's old friend comes to stay with them. They fall in love and his daughter is scared that everything about her life is about to change… the plot twist at the end is a lot though, you might not like it.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” he smiles at her and makes his way over to her bed. To his side. His phone is already plugged in and resting on that night table and his watch is right beside it. It’s like he’s really made himself a home here.

She climbs in bed beside him, forgetting the TV remote for her little tv over on the dresser… so she snuggles into Aaron's arm and reads along with him. Page after page, they read in tandem, sometimes he even reads parts out loud. Things that caught his eye and stood out to him.

“I have loved to the point of madness. That which is called madness. That which to me is the only sensible way to love,” Aaron whispers.

She hum, barely awake, “I liked that line the first time too…”

“It’s so true,” he says with a sigh.

She just snuggles in more, “You been in love a lot?”

“3 times,” he says, closing the book for the night and placing it on the night table.

“I’d say the same,” she says, including him in the equation.

Aaron turns off the lamp light on his side and the two of them settle down against the pillows in the darkness. “Love is strange.”

“You’re telling me,” she teases.

She rolls to her side and he snuggles into her back, the way they always slept together. “When was the last time you were in love?” He asks, and he sounds hesitant.

Maybe this is the time to tell him. Maybe Spencer was right. Maybe telling him could soothe his soul and make him feel more at ease. Anxiety pools in her stomach and she’s been quiet for too long now… but she says it. “I’ve been in love for a while now. Almost a whole year now, I think?”

“Oh,” he acts like he’s surprised. “I’m sure he’s a lucky man.”

“He is. He’s strong and confident but he’s also soft and sweet. He’s so good to me, he’s so good at his job and he’s a great father too…”

“wait—

She rolls around to face him in the dark. Taking a leap of faith. “I love you, Aaron.”

“Really?” He doesn’t believe her at first.

She nods, reaching out she places her hand on his cheek, barely able to see him in the dark but she can see enough. “Even if you don’t want me to… even if you rather we be friends. I love you.”

“I-I-

“It’s okay,” she cuts him off. “You don’t have to say anything. We can pretend this didn’t happen if you want. I just… I don’t want things to change again. I was so scared in New York, I thought I was losing my best friend and then you got hurt and this thing between us got stronger… and then we went on that little trip. And then I got hurt and—

“You told me you loved me that night,” Aaron whispers. “You were high on the medicine I gave you and you were falling asleep but you said it. I wanted it to be true so bad, but I never said anything.”

“Oh,” she had no idea. Truly never remembered a thing. “Is that why we kept getting closer?”

He nods. “I don’t know how long I’ve loved you.”

Her eyes widen her heart speeds up, “really?”

“Trying to be in charge of hostage rescue knowing you were in there almost killed me,” he whispers. Still affected by it. “Hearing him hurt you… not knowing where you were in the compound… Derek and Dave had to keep reminding me I couldn’t storm the place myself just to get you back.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he assures her. He rolls back onto his back and pulls her in closer, she rests her cheek on his chest and he holds her hand where it rests on his stomach. He kisses the top of her head. “You’re my best friend too, you know?”

“I figured,” she teases, holding him close, she smiles to herself. It’s hard to believe this is real and she isn’t dreaming. “So what does this mean for us?”

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Aaron whispers. “Not because I’m ashamed or anything… but with The Reaper out there, with him saying he’s going to make my life a living hell, I can’t risk it.”

“We’re going to find him,” she says, confident in the team. “I need you to know that. I need you to believe that this isn’t your fault and I need you to remember that what he does doesn’t fall on your shoulders. No matter what he does.”

“It’s easier said than believed,” he whispers.

She gets off him and reaches over to the lamp on her bedside table, she flicks it on and sits up, staring at him. “I am so scared to lose you over this. After what happened after the bus— with Rossi, and-and after the way you’ve been so withdrawn and honestly… you’ve been kind of a dick to everyone but me, Penelope especially. I can’t have you being mad all the time, I can’t deal with the thought that a case is going to send you over the edge and I’m going to find you dead in your apartment one morning. I can’t do it,” she cries. “I can’t lose you over this.”

“Hey,” he sits up and tentatively puts his hand on her knee. “I’m not going to do anything like that. I promise.” He wipes the tears from her cheeks, “am I disappointed in myself? Yes. Am I going to kill myself over it? No. Never. I’m not going to do that to you or the team or my son. Believe me, I know I’m going to get over this. I know we can catch this guy, but the anticipatory dread I’m feeling, this anxiety, it’s not just going to go away until we catch him. I’m not going to feel okay again until he’s either behind bars or dead.”

“You can talk to me about it,” she reminds him. “Always. I’m never going to push away your feelings or make you feel small. I won’t think less of you or tell your secrets to the others. What we have is special, I’d never break that. I want to be there for you.”

“And that’s why I fell in love with you,” he admits.

Her bottom lip sticks out a bit more as she pouts at him, “Really?”

He nods, “Yes, really… can I kiss you?”

She places her hand on his shoulder and lifts her leg over his lap so she can sit in it, her hands resting on both his cheeks now. “You can kiss me whenever you want to.”

His hands come around to cup her lower back and cradle the back of her head, he pulls her in closer and presses their lips together softly. She never thought she’d get to kiss him… but she has imagined it many times. This is even better than anything she could’ve ever conjured in her mind, alone in the middle of the night.

His lips are soft, his hands are so big and his chest against her own is so inviting. Her hands drop from his cheeks, down his neck, she drags them over his shoulders and then down his strong arms. She feels him up as he kisses her over and over again. Soft pecks at first, he finally licks along her bottom lip, inviting her in for more.

His hand cupping the back of her head comes around to caress her jaw, he traces his fingers down her neck and stops right at the hem of the neckline of her shirt. She pulls back then, breathless and anticipating more, “you can touch me,” she whispers against his lips, stealing more kisses. “You can have me.”

“Have you?” He smirks, trying not to laugh.

“I’m yours now,” she says, feeling drunk on his kiss. “Keep me, touch me, love me, whatever. I’m yours.”

He smiles into another kiss, “All mine you say?” He whispers before kissing her jaw and down her neck. His hand continues down, cupping her breast gently before resting at her side.

She tilts her head back, letting him have more space to kiss… his lips feel so good on her like they were always meant to be there. He starts to go lower, kissing over her shirt, right where her heart would be in her chest. “I want to kiss you everywhere, every last inch of you.”

She reaches for the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and over her head, “keep going.”

He lays her back against the bed then, her head resting on her pillow, he kneels between her legs and hovers over her. He stares into her eyes for a moment and then starts to look at her naked chest, “you’re so beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she can’t help but smile.

He leans in and kisses her shoulder and all the way down her arm until he grips her wrist and holds her hand to his mouth. He kisses every finger on her right hand and then reaches for her left, doing the same before kissing his way back up to her shoulder. Across her collarbones, down the centre of her chest. He spends equal amounts of time with each boob, making her smile to herself, suppressing a laugh at just how much attention he gives them. But he is a man after all… then he hugs her hips and runs his cheek over her tummy, caressing her gently before he kisses her right beside her belly button and over to her hip.

Loving every inch of her just like he said he wanted to.

She basks in it, the soft touch of his kiss, his calloused hands, his coarse, barely there, beard against her… it's more intimate than anything she’s ever experienced in her life.

This is what love is supposed to be like. She was always meant to be loved by Aaron Hotchner.

He keeps her shorts on, pushing each loose pant leg up to her underwear line to get as much surface area as possible. He kisses all down her thigh, grips under her knee and lifts her leg up to kiss all the way down to her ankles. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a thing for feet…”

He smirks, shaking his head, “I don’t,” he whispers, kissing the side of her foot before laying her leg back down. He grips her at her other ankle, kissing the side of her foot and once again repeating the same pattern as the last leg, just backwards. He gets all the way back up to the hem f her shorts, pushes them up and kisses her underwear line. She sucks in a sharp breath, wishing he’d take a risk and peel her out of her shorts… and then he kisses her right over her shorts, smack-dab in the centre of the mound of her vagina and looks up at her. “Roll over.”

She listens, carefully getting not her stomach, he places a knee on either side of her thighs, boxing her in, and moves her hair over, off her back and to the crook of her neck. He leans in, kissing her one shoulder blade over to the other and then starts down her spine. Once he has her all covered, he wraps a hand under her, holding her close as he presses his body weight onto her. He kisses her shoulder again and then rests his cheek there. “I love you.”

“I love you, more,” she whispers back to him.

He gets off her and lays on his side, facing her. “Are you tired now?” She asks.

He nods. “Can I have just one more kiss?”

She sits up a bit, switches off the lamp and moves in closer to him, rests her hand on his cheek and kisses him softly. Again and again and again until the last thing either one of them remembers before falling asleep is the taste of the other's kiss.

General Taglist 

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IKP

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