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delicrieux · 3 years

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☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand)

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist. ҉ myso masterlist ҉ previous. ҉ next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it.

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge.

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too.

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view.

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”.

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute.

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets.

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance.

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?”

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over.

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae.

looking hot, her message read.

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

#corpse husband #corpse #corpse husband x reader #corpse x reader #corpse husband imagine #corpse social media au #corpse husband fanfic #social media au #corpse husband x y/n #corpse x y/n #corpse husband fic #reader #xreader #imagine #imagines #myso #make you say oh

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cegantheayugipi · 2 years

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a glitch in the matrix - or crack(heads) in the abyss

A Genshin Crack Fic (Genshin x fem!reader x2)

Note: I have nothing to say, except for a sincere apology those who actually read this.

Lost? Here's the Masterlist.

Summary: This is a product of my insanity... I started a comedy fic, but decided that it wasn't comedic enough so I wrote this. It's a crack-SAGAU double female reader-insert with A/N and B/N instead of Y/N for the names. I know a lot of people hate reading in third person but how the heck else am I gonna write two readers in one story (I'm sorry).

Pairings: Zhongli x A/N, a Childe x hateful!B/N I guess.

About the characters:

A/N is a massive Zhongli simp. Her life revolves around Zhongli. She is pretty much a Genshin addict and has been playing for a couple of years.

B/N is relatively new to Genshin Impact. She's a little... weird. Definitely was a crackhead in a previous life. Totally no hatred for Childe going on. Definitely no hilichurl sympathy going on.

“Thank fuck we got that over with!” B/N exclaimed into the voice call, mashing buttons to aimlessly jump around the snow of dragonspine as Diluc.

“Yeah, dragonspine is always a pain.” A/N responded, her voice crackling across the call thanks to poor internet connection.

“Is your brother streaming something again?” B/N asked, “You sound like a robot.”

“Probably.” A/N shrugged, although nobody could see it through the call. “Where to next?”

A familiar yet deep voice startled both girls as it came from behind them.

“You normally lead the way without asking.”

Both girls blinked at the same time.

Why were they suddenly standing?

And why was it so cold?

And why was Zhongli standing right behind them?

“Oh my god.” A/N gawked as she stared up at the literal man of her dreams.

“Geo Daddy?” B/N murmured, frozen in place.

“Shut up, this is my moment!” A/N exclaimed, racing to hug the tall Archon.

“You two look different than I expected.” Diluc’s voice came from behind B/N. Her mouth dropped open, as she slowly turned around to see the famous redhead.

“Are we-”

“In this world?” Zhongli asked. “It appears so.” He looked down at A/N whose face was buried in his chest, and a light pink dusted his cheeks. “Is this a normal way to greet people in your world?”

His question went unanswered.

“Holy shit.” B/N blurted out. “I’m going to inazuma! Where’s my map?” She felt around her body, not used to these strange clothes she appeared in.

“If we’re going to Inazuma, we’re bringing Zhongli!” A/N responded cheerfully, still hugging her precious geo Archon.

B/N finally found the map, pulling it open. “Aha, Oni abs here I come!” Her eyes scanned across the paper and its lit up teleporters, and she realized that the entire region of Inzauma was dark.

“W-we were co-oping on my world.” B/N murmured.

“Yeah, because you’re still new.” A/N responded, finally turning her head away from Zhongli’s chest. “You’d literally die in my world.”

“We can’t teleport to Inazuma yet.” B/N added, her voice weak.

“We just have to take a boat then.” A/N shrugged, her hands still holding Zhongli’s shirt tight.

“M-my Oni abs.” B/N let go of the map, and it disappeared in a cloud of golden glitter. Her face was blank, evidently devastated by the fact that she couldn’t just teleport to Inazuma. She fell to her knees dramatically, then curled up into a ball on the freezing cold and snowy ground of dragonspine.

“Come on, B/N!” A/N exclaimed, “You’re gonna freeze to death if you stay like that.”

“No.” The stubborn weeb responded. “Just send me back home.”

A/N could see the sheer cold bar increasing on her friend, so she left Zhongli’s side to grab B/N’s arm.

“Come on, let’s get to this lantern over here to warm you up!” A/N urged.

“No.” B/N remained curled up on the ground. “If I die, maybe I’ll go back home.” A/N rolled her eyes and began to drag her friend through the snow towards the lantern, but it was really difficult.

“Hey. Can one of you guys help me?!” A/N shouted, struggling to drag B/N towards the heat source.

“I’ve got her.” Diluc spoke calmly, bending down to hook his arm around her torso and lift her up on his shoulder.

“You should be careful as well, A/N.” Zhongli spoke up, noting her status bar as well.

“Oh hahaha, yeah.” A/N picked up the pace to reach the lantern faster. The three of them warmed up by the lantern, B/N still hanging limp over Diluc’s shoulder.

“So, have you decided where you’ll go next?” Zhongli asked, and A/N sighed.

“I’m not sure.” She responded.

“I just wanna go home.” B/N mumbled.

“How about you come to Liyue harbor?” Zhongli suggested. “It’s a beautiful place.”

“I would absolutely LOVE to!” A/N squealed, grabbing onto Zhongli’s sleeve. “Will you show me around to all the good places?”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“I have some work to catch up on at the winery.” Diluc spoke. “What should I do about this one?” He gestured to the depressed B/N.

“Oh, there’s no way I’m leaving her alone here.” A/N responded quickly. “She can come with me and my hu- I mean me and Zhongli.”

A/N could hear B/N’s muffled scoff from where her face was buried in Diluc’s back. “Okay, I’ll go with you. Now let me down, fireboy.”

Diluc’s face went pink at B/N’s nickname for him, not that she could notice from where she was hanging off his shoulder. He slowly set her back onto her feet, hesitating for a second in case she decided to just curl up in a ball on the ground again.

“Okay, let’s teleport.” A/N spoke, finding her own map.

“I’m not sure if you can-” Zhongli spoke, his voice falling off as A/N tried touching the teleporter in liyue harbor and nothing happened.

“How do you use these things?” She asked.

“I don’t think they work for you two anymore.” Diluc commented.

“WHAT?!” A/N exclaimed. “So we have to WALK to Liyue harbor?!”

“Actually, there’s a small harbor by the cliffs to the east of Dragonspine.” Zhongli explained. “We can take a boat after we descend the mountain.”

“This can’t be real.” B/N murmured, falling back onto her knees to curl up into a ball.

“Girl, come on!” A/N grabbed B/N’s arm once again, trying to pull her back upright.

“I give up.” B/N added, her tone completely dejected.

“Diluc, Zhongli, help me!” A/N exclaimed.

~~~

The two girls and the Geo Archon were finally on the boat headed for Liyue harbor. Diluc had to carry B/N down the mountainside of Dragonspine, but now that she was sitting on the boat headed for Liyue harbor, she finally began to cheer up.

“Do you think the food is good in this world?” B/N asked.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me. Of course it’s gonna be good!” A/N responded, rolling her eyes.

The boat trip went faster than expected, only lasting a couple of hours. Before they knew it , the two girls were stepping out onto the docks of Liyue harbor.

“Okay, I’m starving!” B/N exclaimed. “First thing’s first, let’s get some food!”

“We haven’t even gone anywhere yet, and you’re already thinking about food?” A/N questioned in disbelief.

“I know a place we can go.” Zhongli spoke.

“Third round knockout?” A/N and B/N both asked in unison.

“How did you know?” He asked, mildly surprised. B/N and A/N exchanged glances. “Oh…” Zhongli spoke, understanding that you two were quite literally a part of him previously.

The two girls gazed around the beautiful Liyue harbor as Zhongli led them to his favorite restaurant. Well, technically they could have gone on their own, since they had seen the city so many times before.

“It’s so much prettier than through a screen!” A/N exclaimed.

“Oh my god, I want to start a business now.” B/N added.

“Wait, what?” A/N paused, looking at B/N in confusion.

“I feel like I should get rich.” She shrugged. “But I agree. This is way better than looking at my computer screen. Can we actually go inside the buildings now?”

“I recommend keeping your origins a secret.” Zhongli spoke, his voice quieter than usual. “There’s no telling what might happen if the public found out about you.”

“Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.” A/N responded, smiling up at Zhongli.

The three finally arrived at third round knockout, and Zhongli asked for a table indoors this time. B/N and A/N exchanged excited glances at the chance to eat indoors in a restaurant in Liyue. In Liyue, in Genshin Impact!

Almost as soon as the three of them sat down, a tall ginger sat down in the fourth seat. Both B/N and A/N instantly recognized the man – Childe, the Eleventh Fatui Harbinger. Otherwise known as water boy, or sometimes referred to as the “menace” by B/N when doing domains.

“Xiansheng, who are these pretty ladies you’ve brought with you?” He gave a dashing smile, undoubtedly in an effort to both flirt and to sweeten up the conversation to find out more information.

B/N and A/N exchanged glances. B/N looked like she was holding something in, and everyone at the table immediately found out what it was as she burst into uncontrollable laughter. A/N was quick to follow, as Childe had a confused and mildly horrified expression on his face.

“Childe.” Zhongli spoke through the roaring laughter. “These are two… companions of mine.”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow, and A/N immediately stopped laughing to correct Zhongli.

“He means friends! We’re friends! Nothing more than that!” Her cheeks grew red as she waved her hands in front of her.

B/N paused her laughter for just long enough to cut in with a “not yet,” raising her eyebrows at A/N suggestively. They both immediately continued laughing even harder.

“I can’t with you!” A/N exclaimed.

“You never can!” B/N shouted back.

It took a while for the table to calm down, and Childe finally began to get the conversation he was aiming for once the waiter came by and Zhongli ordered the food for everyone.

“So, what brings you two here?” Childe asked.

“Apparently, issues with my compu-” B/N paused, realizing she had messed up. “My competition.” She coughed. “I’m a competitive eater. But I haven’t been doing well.”

“Oh, a tiny thing like you, being a competitive eater?” Childe smirked.

“Watch it, water boy. She can eat.” A/N was quick to back B/N up.

“Water boy?” Childe raised his eyebrows. B/N gave A/N a glare for mentioning his vision when they were meant to know nothing about him yet.

“Yeah, you make it kinda obvious you carry a hydro vision.”

“Oh, how observant of you.” He gave a fake smile, as gears began to turn inside his head. “Do you two have visions, perhaps?”

“Hah!” B/N chortled. “Bold of you to assume we have visions.”

A/N leaned over to whisper in B/N’s ear. “Do we have visions?”

“I think we’d know if we did.” B/N whispered back.

The stress Zhongli was experiencing was getting worse and worse as the conversation continued. Thankfully, however, the waiter appeared with the food. Zhongli had also ordered wine, and a second server came to pour glasses for everyone.

Zhongli took one sip of the wine, and began to say his classic line.

“Osmanthus wine tastes the same as I remembe-”

“But where are those who share the memory?” A/N and B/N responded in unison.

“I-” Zhongli didn’t know what to say.

“You say that a lot.” A/N explained.

“Yeah. Don’t you have more stuff to say?” B/N added.

Childe didn’t utter a single word, only took a long sip from his glass of wine. Zhongli followed, taking another large sip.

“Um, we’re both a bit of a lightweight.” A/N spoke. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to…” She trailed off, watching B/N take a long sip from her glass as well.

“Damn, that wine is pretty good after all.” B/N shrugged, taking a second sip.

“Be careful, girl!” A/N responded, laughing. “You don’t want to end up in a gutter tonight.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen.” Childe responded.

“That would be even worse.” A/N’s smile disappeared as she spoke those words with a completely straight face.

A/N took a sip from the wine, but it definitely went straight to her head. She leaned backwards a little, and almost fell off of the stool. Zhongli’s arm was around her in an instant, making sure that she wouldn’t fall.

“T-thank you.” A/N murmured, looking up at Zhongli who looked down at her with a caring gaze. A/N’s heart pounded in her chest, and she didn’t know if it was from Zhongli’s arm around her or if it was from the alcohol. At the same time, B/N couldn’t tell if A/N was blushing from the wine or from her interaction with Zhongli.

“Are you alright?” Zhongli asked.

“Yeah, I’m just not very good with alcohol. I prefer Osmanthus tea, actually.” She responded.

“I’ll have the waiter bring some for you, then.” Zhongli responded quickly.

“Oh, you don’t need to do that…” A/N responded, looking down.

“Girl, you and alcohol really don’t mix.” B/N responded. “You should have the tea instead.”

“I could say the same about you.” A/N retorted, “Your face is bright red.”

“Hey. If you insult my natural complexion one more time,” B/N began jokingly, and A/N began to laugh. Zhongli smiled at the two of you having fun. There was a strange feeling that filled his chest, like he was finally seeing something that he was missing from his life.

The four continued to eat and drink into the late hours of the evening. Eventually, however, everyone began to get tired and agreed to go home for the night.

“Where are you two staying? I can walk you back.” Childe spoke once he was finished paying for the dinner.

“Bold of you to assume I have a place to stay.” B/N instantly retorted, evidently drunk.

“Y-yeah, we only arrived at Liyue harbor today.” A/N was quick to cut in. It was the truth, technically.

“You are always welcome at Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.” Zhongli offered politely. “After all, Childe is staying with us there at the moment.”

“Wait, you guys sleep in a MORGUE?!?” B/N exclaimed.

“NO!” A/N shouted back. “It’s a funeral parlor, where they plan funerals!”

“A/N is correct, we only arrange funeral rites.” Zhongli added.

“So no dead bodies?” B/N asked.

“No, I definitely wouldn’t be staying there if they dealt with dead people.” Childe spoke jovially, his face also a little red from the wine.

“Can we stay with you tonight?” A/N asked as she grabbed onto Zhongli’s sleeve.

“Of course you may.” Zhongli responded as he gave her a gentle smile. A/N looked into his eyes and felt like she could faint. How was she still going so crazy for this man?

The four arrived at Wangsheng funeral parlor after a brief walk. The doors were shut, and the lights inside were off, since it was well past business hours. Zhongli opened the door and allowed everyone inside.

“What have you been up to, old man?” A/N and B/N instantly recognized Hu Tao’s voice.

“Ah!” Childe exclaimed, jumping. The lights went on, and everyone turned around to see Hu Tao standing by the door, her hand on top of the light switch.

“Hu Tao, it’s past your bedtime.” Zhongli spoke, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You’ve been out all day, and with these two strange ladies. Even Ginger came around looking for you and couldn’t find you anywhere!” Hu Tao gave Childe a menacing glare, and he gave a weak and awkward laugh in response.

“You’re even cuter in real life!” B/N squealed, reaching out to pinch Hu Tao’s cheeks.

“Um, yeah, she’s cuter in person, because Zhongli told us about his boss,” A/N began to ramble. “And he talked about what she looked like, so we’re only seeing what she really looks like now, and that’s why B/N is saying she looks even cuter now that she’s seeing Hu Tao-”

A/N was cut off by Zhongli who placed a hand on her shoulder.

“How about we all head to sleep?” He spoke calmly in his deep voice. “It is quite late, after all.”

“Yeah. I’m really tired.” B/N yawned.

“Did you think this through, old man?” Hu Tao cut in. “We only have one spare bedroom, which Childe is using.”

“I assumed I would sleep on the couch.” Zhongli spoke as he began to lead everyone upstairs.

“N-no, I wouldn’t make you do that!” A/N cut in.

“You are guests,” Zhongli added. “You should be taken care of.” Zhongli gave a glance at Childe, as if the harbinger should be saying something to support his statement. The guest bedroom was the same size as Zhongli’s, after all, and Childe had been staying at the parlor for so long that he might as well be a permanent resident.

Something finally clicked in Childe’s head, and he raised his eyebrows.

“Oh,” He spoke. “I would gladly share a bed with one of you fine ladies.”

“No thanks.” B/N and A/N spoke in unison. Zhongli laughed.

“Okay guys I’m going to sleep. Don’t bother me until morning.” Hu Tao spoke as she walked down the hall to her own room.

Zhongli got to his room, and opened the door. A/N and B/N exchanged glances, as if they were communicating psychically. Something was decided between the two, because B/N turned around and walked towards Childe.

“Actually, I’ll take you up on that offer.” B/N spoke boldly.

“Oh, really?” Childe smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” B/N nodded. “But you take the couch.”

Childe laughed awkwardly, as A/N began to speak up.

“Uh… um… Zhongli,” She looked down at the floor, nervous. “Would you like to share the bed with me tonight? Together?”

“Are you sure?” Zhongli asked. “I wouldn’t want to put you in an inappropriate position.”

“Yes, yes I’m very sure!” A/N added.

“Is sharing a bed so soon after meeting a normal custom where you are from?” He asked softly.

“Yes it is, now just agree to it already!” B/N exclaimed as she walked away. A/N felt like she was dying inside thanks to her friend. Childe seemed to notice what Zhongli was asking about, and wondered where the two girls could be from.

As Zhongli opened his bedroom door and let A/N in, Childe led B/N down the hall to the guest bedroom.

The room was plain, apart from a few decorations that gave it a signature Liyue feel. There was a couch by the left wall, and a dresser on the right. A bed was placed against the far wall, with a wooden nightstand stood beside it. The bed looked only large enough for one person, and B/N knew that person was going to be herself.

Childe smiled to himself as he stepped into the guest room. As the ginger Fatui Harbinger led B/N in, he began to underhandedly interrogate her.

“Are there many things that are different where you come from?” Childe asked as he walked towards the dresser. He took off the mask tied to the side of his head and began to unbutton his shirt. B/N didn’t know how her clothes worked since she just appeared in them that morning, and the alcohol was definitely getting to her head so she simply kicked her shoes off and flopped onto her back onto the bed.

“I guess so.” B/N responded.

“Where exactly are you from, anyway?” a shirtless Childe asked, as he turned away from the dresser and began to walk towards the bed.

“Isn’t there a couch right there with your name on it?” B/N pointed to the couch across the room as Childe stood at the edge of the bed.

“But isn’t it normal-”

“Couch, now!” B/N raised her foot and put it on Childe’s bare chest, pushing him back away from the bed.

“Okay, okay.” Childe sighed, turning around and walking back to the bed.

~~~

Meanwhile, in Zhongli’s room, A/N was blushing like crazy. There was zero alcohol in her system at this point, but the mere sight of Zhongli taking the hair clip out of his hair had her entire brain going haywire. He placed it on the ornate vanity, and turned towards A/N who was standing beside his rather large bed.

“Are you sure you are okay with this?” Zhongli asked.

“Yes, please!” A/N yelped, staring up at the tall brunette.

Zhongli nodded, his hands traveling to the buttons of his jacket. A/N simply stared at him as she finally got to see his toned and perfect chest. There was practically drool coming out of her mouth as she took in Zhongli’s bare torso. Any thoughts or feelings about being teleported into another world left her head as her only thoughts became about the gorgeous Geo Archon.

Zhongli turned to look at A/N, and she immediately realized she should be getting ready for bed herself. She began to fumble with the buttons on her complicated cape, but the clothes were confusing and much too complicated.

“Do you need help?” Zhongli asked.

“U-uh…” A/N trailed off, her face bright red as she looked down at her clothing. “I don’t know how my clothes work.”

“What do you mean?” Zhongli asked, raising his eyebrows.

“I just showed up in them today…” A/N explained, “clothes where I’m from are much more simple.”

“Oh, I see.” Zhongli asked, then he paused for a moment. A/N looked up at him, and tilted her head to the side as she tried to figure out what was going on in Zhongli’s head. “May I…” He trailed off, lifting a hand towards the buttons of her overcoat.

“Oh,” A/N began to blush even more. “Y-yes…”

As Zhongli’s fingers worked dexterously and gently, more and more blood began rushing to A/N’s head. Zhongli, the Geo Archon, the man of her dreams, was undressing her.

As Zhongli began to slip the cloak over her shoulders revealing her dress underneath, A/N began to feel dizzy from all the blood rushing to her head.

“Are you alright?” Zhongli caught her shoulders as she swayed.

“Yeah, I think I’m just tired.” A/N spoke.

“You’ve become quite red…” Zhongli noted.

“Y-yeah, that’s normal, all things considered.” A/N explained.

“Perhaps you should lay down,” He responded.

“Yeah.” A/N nodded, moving to sit down on the bed. Everything seemed so unreal as she watched Zhongli sit down beside her. The two of them slowly laid down on the bed next to each other, not touching each other. The two of them stared at the ceiling for a couple of moments, in an awkward silence.

“Uh, can I…” A/N spoke up once again. “Can I use you as a pillow?”

“Of course.” Zhongli spoke, and A/N slowly wrapped her arms around Zhongli and moved her head to rest on his bare chest.

Oh man, was A/N in heaven.

The two settled into a comfortable silence, and were fast asleep.

~~~

Read Part 2 here.

#proof I was a crackhead in a previous life #reader insert #except there's two readers?#so not really reader I guess #writing these tags is giving me a brain hemorrhage #this is rock bottom isn't it?#genshin fanfiction #SAGAU #crack #fanfic #genshin impact #I'm so sorry #zhongli x reader #childe x reader #genshin impact has taken over my life #genshin fanfic #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin zhongli

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what-i-call-men · 3 years

Text

Jiggle physics

Jeff Pfister x female!reader

Warnings: SMUT, dominant reader, sub Jeff, some degradation towards Jeff, a bit of voyeurism at the end (reader finds out mutt saw the whole thing)

Request: My fic thought for the night (up for grabs) but it’s Jeff pfister. Reader is a dancer/instructor and Jeff studies her for “jiggle physics”. Thought is definitely a smut

One again I am stealing a picture from @copy-of-a-cheeto because I love the icons they make. Thank you!!

Also thank you to @divineruler for proof reading

It was another day for you to begin with. You were working at a small gym in town after your other job hadn't really worked out. You were freshly graduated from college and needed somewhere to work while you looked for other opportunities, a gym was your best option. Now you weren't an avid gym person, but you did enjoy dancing so you ended up instructing a Zumba class. It was more of a hip hop class because your gym was right near a college town, and early 00s Spanish didn't reach college kids as much as hip hop and rap music.

This week you had specifically scheduled a dirty Thursday class, uncensored music and a lot of confidence boosting music. You were doing your last few songs, pushing everyone to their "sexy limits" as you put it. You had stripped off your tank top, now just in your sports bra and leggings. When you were stripping off your top, you had a few of your regulars whistle or cheer, some even joining you as they knew the choreography. You ended your last high energy song and started your cool downs, opting to leave the shirt off as you were definitely sweating right now.

The slow sounds of Just the two of Us by Grover Washington jr played through the speakers as you instructed your class to stretch out. As you faced them, you couldn't help but catch a glance of blonde hair from outside the glass doors to the room. It looked familiar but you couldn't put your finger on it as you continued your instruction. After you finished your cool down, you moved to gather your things as some of the students chatted with you. One of your best friends had walked out to run to the locker room and came back, running up to you and pinching your arm a bit. "You'll never guess who is outside looking for you." She whispered so others wouldn't hear.

Turning to her you rubbed the now pained part of your arm and raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Um I don't know, Ryan Reynolds ready to sweep me off my feet?" You asked and reached down to pick up your gym bag and tank top, choosing to toss it in the bag rather than putting it on. Your friend followed you out of the classroom with the rest of the remaining class. "No, it's fucking Jeff and Mutt from high school." She whispered and nodded to the front desk where they stood, talking to a receptionist. You looked at them for a second.

"And they have those same dumb haircuts from when they were 12." You choked back a quiet laugh as you approached the front desk. Mutt saw you first and then elbowed Jeff to look up at you. "Hey boys, long time no see." You said and walked up to the pair, holding out your membership card to the front desk people to clock you out. "What warrants such an abrupt visit from the resident horny weeb club." You said and led the boys out, your friend keeping a close distance behind the group.

"Hey y/n, can we talk to you alone? We have a job offer for you?" Mutt said and glanced at your friend. You stopped outside the gym and nodded to your friend to go to the car you shared. "What job could you two possibly have for me? Last I heard you guys were just trolling random people online and spam liking my Instagram pictures." You said and crossed your arms. You weren't really friends with the two in high school, but you did have a friendly teasing relationship with them, rather than really making fun of them like others did. You were really only nice because you never knew who'd end up going crazy, and you'd rather not be on someone's shit list.

"We recently ran into... a lot of money. And we wanted to hire you at our robotics company." Jeff said and gestured excitedly at you. He definitely was on something from the way he had a shake to his hands. "Uh... you two know I majored in archeology? I don't know the first thing past how to google." You said and looked mainly at Jeff. God if he didn't have that stupid haircut still, you'd be tempted to say he got hot. He's got a pretty good body and he looked pretty good in comparison to Mutt. It would help him a lot if he didn't still dress and look like he was 12.

"We're aware. It has nothing to do with your degree. Here, this is what you'd make if you come to work for us." Mutt grabbed a card from his pocket and a pen that hung from your bag pocket. When he handed you the paper you had to blink at the numbers for a second. "Annually?" "Weekly" Jeff corrected your question. You stared at the paper for a second. "How do I know you guys aren't just high or something? How'd you even find me?" You asked and Mutt and Jeff looked at each other before Jeff grabbed his keys from his pocket. He clicked the unlock button and a Rolls Royce beeped from where it was parked only a few spots away from where you stood. "If you're interested come pay us a visit." Mutt pointed at the business card he had handed you and the two walked to the car before you could say anything.

When you got home of course you researched the company name on the card. Kineros Robotics had made actual headlines and pictures of the men were on different sites about their sudden influx of money to their company from a generous anonymous donation. You glanced at the card and pursed your lips before pulling up Instagram, going to Jeff's page, glancing at the pictures he's posted and biting your lip. God you could really tell he was either still a virgin or very submissive in some sense. He wasn't like any of the gym bros that hit on you or messaged you. With a small surge of courage, you hit the 'message' button and typed out a quick text.

After messaging back and forth about the job opportunity for about two days, you found yourself standing outside the main entrance to the robotics lab. You walked down the hall to see glass doors and just a buzzer. You buzzed and were quickly let in. "You guys should get a receptionist or someth-" your words were cut off when you saw what was really in the room. There were humanoid robot figures and a lot of latex parts just laying around. A lot of these parts were tits or asses, all different shapes and sizes but there seemed to be something off with all of them.

"Hey I'm glad you made it. You can set yourself up in the room over there." Mutt said as he stared down at his computer. The room was all white, some windows around but pretty much all of them had shade covering them with little to no light peeking through. There was a pile of white powder sitting at each desk. Oh so they were coked out and making sex dolls. What the actual fuck did this have to do with you? "Set my stuff up...?" You asked softly and Jeff stood from his desk to lead you to the room.

"I didn't tell you what you were here for?" He asked as he opened the door to the next room. You shook your head and looked at the hardwood floor and speaker set up. "We need you to be a model. See... our last few latex prints came out... less than desirable- jiggle wise. Our math was way off and we need these to be as real as possible." Jeff said and walked to a small cabinet in the corner of the room. "I need you to put this on so we can monitor your motions to make our robots more realistic." He said and handed you what was barely any cloth. It looked like those dotted suits superheroes wore so their suits could be cgi but instead of a suit it was a bikini top and what is pretty much a skimpy pair of bottoms that were basically bathing suit bottoms with how little they covered.

"Jeff, you didn't mention this." You said and took the clothes slowly as he headed back out to the door. "Just put those on and I'll be back in a few." He said and glanced over your body again quickly before closing the door. You decided to send a quick text to your best friend- just a "here's what I'm doing in case I get murdered" text. After that you slipped the clothes on and stared at yourself in the mirror beside the little cabinet. You could tell this was a makeshift dance room. That was probably what they were looking for. Good thing jiggle physics was your thing in class.

Jeff came back a couple minutes later with a laptop in his hands. He stopped and gulped when he looked over your body in the skimpy outfit, quickly opting to sit on the ground as he monitored the points on the laptop. "Go ahead." He said and positioned the laptop on his lap, having to adjust himself a bit a couple of times. "Jeff... I need music." You said and moved to grab your phone, nodding to the speaker system, him shrugging and letting you do so. As you leaned over the speaker you glanced in the mirror beside you and he was very much staring right at your ass. God if he wasn't such a virgin you'd probably be disgusted. That was probably why they didn't know the right jiggle physics for a woman's body.

You started playing some of your best twerk music, trying to shake off how weird it was to have just Jeff staring at his computer then back to you as you danced. You tried to just close your eyes and get into the choreography as you ignored the awkwardness of Jeff obviously having a boner and you just twerking for him to collect data. You did a few hip swirls and then some quick shakes, glancing at yourself in the mirror. Honestly as you looked you didn't realize you had given Jeff a perfect look of your ass. He ran a hand through his hair as the song began to wrap up. You went to your phone to change the song and decided to strike up a small conversation.

"So… are you getting good data?" You asked and just got a simple nod from Jeff, his stupidly cute bowl cut bobbing back and forth as he nodded. "So you're making sex robots huh?" You asked as you looked through your playlist nonchalantly bending over a bit to give Jeff a good view of your chest. He once again responded with a nod as you started the next song. It was a bit more sexy than the last one. "Why don't you monitor the jiggle physics of sex then?" You asked as you lowered the volume of the song, starting your choreography, which included some moves where you're on the ground, shaking and bouncing as if you were riding someone. "I'm sure they are more accurate than me dancing." You said as you pushed yourself down to the ground chest first with your ass up and facing Jeff.

He adjusted a bit and you moved yourself a bit closer to where he was seated as he chose not to answer you. "If you want more accurate results Jeff, you need the jiggle physics of sex." You stated and gently moved the computer off his lap, placing it on the ground as you gently moved to straddle his legs. "The reason you and Mutt can't get the math right is because you need to really experience a woman's body during sex and neither of you could rope in a girl to fuck you for science. Am I right?" You asked Jeff as you leaned into him, settling yourself on his lap. His face was so red as his eyes kept flicking from your chest to your face. He just nodded silently to your question.

"Jeff, I'm gonna need you to verbally respond to me. I want to hear you say it." You said and ran your hands from his shoulders and down his chest. He took a deep shaky breath. "Fu- I need you to fuck me for science." He said softly and looked up to you as you tutted at him.

"No honey, the other thing." You said and pushed your fingers under the hem of his shirt. He gulped and took in another breath. "I can't get anyone to fuck me. Please y/n I need you." He pretty much whimpered under you as you pushed up to the balls of your feet, leaning forward and beginning to shake your ass a bit from where you sat on his lap. You rolled your hips slowly forwards and pushed your chest against his, leaning up next to his ear. "That's better." You whispered and then left a small wet kiss under his ear. Slowly working down his neck in small wet kisses and sucks.

You could feel his body tense as you reached down between you and gently palmed at him. God you could tell how hard he was without looking. You smirked a bit and continued to suck small hickies on his neck and under his ear as you quickly undid his button and fly, grabbing his dick from his boxers. Wow if you would've known he was packing you probably would've slept with him in high school, but everyone just assumed he wasn't and that was why he didn't get girls. You pumped him slowly and you could hear him let out small moans and whimpers, wanting to stay quiet on the off chance Mutt heard over the music.

As you pumped him you gently bit his earlobe to get his attention. "If you wanna get inside me baby, you gotta help me out." You said quietly and he nodded and willingly let you take his hands and place them on your ass. He gave a small gentle squeeze and you smirked as you felt him twitch in your hand. "God... fuck... holy shit..." he muttered as you rolled your hips against his thighs, wanting to at least stimulate yourself a little bit.

"You wanna make sure my monitoring is ok baby?" You whispered and he glanced over at the laptop, still reading the outfit you wore. You grabbed his cock again, now moving yourself to push your bottoms to the side. Slowly sinking down on to him, you could've sworn Jeff came right then. And he did. But that wasn't going to stop you from helping him out for the 'sake of science'. You grabbed his hands and placed them on your waist so as to not interfere with his readings. Slowly you began to bounce on him, feeling all parts of your body begin to bounce. Jeff was letting out the most sinful noises. Honestly it sounded like he only knew what moaning was from women in porn, but you didn't mind- honestly it was hot to have him be so responsive.

"Oh baby you're gonna be too loud, Mutt might interrupt us and you wouldn't want that would you? Don't want him to find you moaning like a whore for me." You said lowly as you reached up to gently squeeze his throat. He closed his mouth and nodded at you as you continued to bounce on him. God you could tell how close he was to coming again, but lord knows you weren't done with him. His moans got quieter but he still let out small whines from below you. You reached down to rub your own clit as you bounced on top of him. "Fuck baby, you wanna fuck me so bad? How about you get that data you need by pounding me from behind?" You muttered and climbed off of him.

He barely questioned you when you did so, only whining a little at the loss of contact. As you turned around and got on your knees, pushing your ass up in the air, he quickly moved to his own knees, pushing into you and beginning to thrust at a rapid pace. You could definitely tell his knowledge of sex is from video games and porn because he kinda went wild. He pounded hard and you couldn't help but moan out as he grabbed your waist with a tight grip. After he got a hang on his speed, he reached forwards and pulled you up, pushing you against the mirrored wall he had been leaning against, he paused momentarily to undo the bikini top, and as soon as it dropped to the ground he was grabbing your tits from behind.

You pushed back against him, your face now pushed against the foggy mirror as he thrusted into you hard. "Fuck.... fuck y/n." He grunted out quietly as his thrust became more sporadic and sloppy. You could tell he was gonna come again, so you reached behind your head and grabbed his hair firmly. "You're not coming again until I cum. You fucking hear me?" You groaned as he continued to thrust into you. He nodded and reached around in front of you, fumbling for your clit for a moment before you corrected his hand placement and showed him the correct movement. He rubbed quickly and in pace with his thrusts, you could tell from his look in the mirror that he was trying so hard not to cum.

As soon as you finally reached the edge, you let out a loud and pretty pornographic moan of his name mixed with some swearing and praises. "God... fuck Jeff you feel so good in me. I want you to cum baby. I want you to cum in me baby." You thrusted back on him and kept your hand firmly tugging at his hair. It was only seconds before he was coming in you, his own face twisted in pleasure as you looked at him through the mirror. He slowed to a stop and slowly removed himself from you. You only caught your breath for a couple moments before there was a knock on the door.

"Hey those were good readings, we're gonna need you here again tomorrow so we can get some other position readings." Mutt called through the door. You looked at Jeff. "Could he see the reading the whole time?" You asked Jeff quietly. He bit his lips and nodded. "I assumed you knew because you saw this room through the glass when you walked in." Jeff said and pointed to the mirror which was in fact a one way mirror you had seen walking in from the lab, which you falsely assumed was a window because of the shade. "So mutt saw the whole thing?" You asked softly, slowly piecing everything together. Jeff nodded, scared you were gonna be upset. You only shrugged and reached over to gently grab his throat again. "Guess now he knows how good of a whore you are for me then." And god if he hadn't just come, Jeff probably would've come again from that action alone. Damn you were gonna have fun working here.

#jeff pfister #jeff pfister x reader #ahs apocalypse #Jeff pfister smut #fic thoughts fulfilled

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deluluass · 3 years

Text

What bliss, domesticity.

for: @tink2kagome. i’m sorry it took me so long to work on ur pretty setter squad request T^T i’ll probably do like another one in the future!

& @lady-tokugawa-of-mikawa @belpomme @chaichai-the-weeb for being such lovely mutuals <3 <3

Content warnings: rape/noncon; nsfw; yakuza/organized crime; gun mention; a lot of (non-sexual) food references in this one

Jun’ichi Saikawa was obviously the kind of man who liked to laugh. Not unlike most people in their world. The kind who use their entire body when they do, announcing to the entire world with a bellowing “Ha Ha Ha!” how pleased they are with whatever’s going on in front of them.

Which, in all honesty, was pretty admirable, that the old man could still do it considering how bored to tears Wataru was.

That it’s a humid afternoon didn’t help either. He could feel the sweat on his back even when the doors were already slid open, exhibiting a verdant garden filled with blossoms and shrub peonies. From his place he could see the school of koi swirling in the shallow pond, their scales iridescent under the warm rays of the sun.

“Didn’t know you were the funny sort, 'Kaashi!” Saikawa blurted out, the sake in his hand spilling to his fingers.

This wasn’t Wataru’s first day on the job, but this is the first that he gets to do something this important. And with someone he highly respects, too.

So he gave his collar a light tug, steeling himself to endure as he tucked his legs further beneath him, and resorted to thinking about the many things he would absolutely surrender just to lie down on the warm mat.

His car, maybe.

The brand new noise-cancelling headphones he bought, if pushed.

Wataru saw Akaashi nod.

“I appreciate a joke every now and then,” he said.

The larger man laughed again.

“Here, here!” Saikawa thundered, snatching a tiny, yellow box from the maid who appeared as swiftly as she’d left.

“I heard you like sweets. Here,” he said, grinning as he handed it to Akaashi. “My youngest son just opened a cake shop. I know what you’re thinking, but who am I to say no, eh?”

Akaashi passed the box to Wataru.

“Mind it for me, please,” he whispered.

How unexpected. Akaashi-san has a sweet tooth.

Huh.

That’s pretty neat. Wataru himself wasn’t partial to cakes, but he does love pudding.

“You are a good father, Jun’ichi-san,” Akaashi told him.

This time, Wataru didn’t bother suppressing a yawn as Saikawa fumbled for his phone, hiding it behind his hand as he stared at the birds chirping and hopping about outside.

“Wanna see him? He’s much like you! Good head on his shoulders, that one.”

“I am honored, Jun’ichi-san,” Akaashi echoed back, peering down at the photos Saikawa showed him.

“He sends me a lot of these- uh,” Saikawa snorted, his nose reddened by the alcohol. “What do young people call it, the- pictures-”

“Selfies?” Akaashi politely supplied.

“That’s the one! Look. Precious, ain’t he?”

His earpiece crackled to life.

Konoha’s voice emerged from the static.

“We’re ready when you are,” his senior murmured. “Man, this is taking too long. Let’s get some burgers when we’re done.”

“Akaashi-san,” Wataru croaked, feeling his cheeks heat up as he continued, “K-Komi-san and the others are waiting for you.”

Saikawa perked up. “Ah, of course! Of course!”

He stumbled when he attempted to stand up. Akaashi was quick on his feet to assist him.

“I knew I could count on you, son,” he muttered, patting Akaashi’s back. “Now, you tell Bokuto that what happened between us- it’s all in the past! All in the past! And if those bastards mess with him again, you tell him to run to old Jun’ichi!”

Akaashi clasped Saikawa’s hand.

“Thank you,” Akaashi said. “I’ll be sure to relay your sentiments to Bokuto-san.”

“You do that, my boy.” Saikawa’s belly shook as he laughed. “Your generation’s a smart one, indeed. The in-fighting and wars, bah! All that trouble for nothing; that’s not your style. Your lot’s the future now!”

Then, Akaashi stepped a few meters back and bowed.

Wataru followed behind him.

“We will be taking our leave,” Akaashi said. “It has been an illuminating talk, Jun’ichi-san.”

The sound of the bamboo drip trickling water into another stalk permeated through the silence.

It collapsed and clunked against a stone.

He heard the birds flutter away.

When Wataru raised his head, Saikawa had already been lying face down on the floor.

And, of course, Wataru’s used to it: the crack of a gun muffled by a silencer.

He’s been practicing his entire life, after all. He actually doesn’t flinch anymore and Wataru thinks he should be proud of himself.

It’s just that... how could someone who used to be there, suddenly...disappear? Saikawa was right in front of him a few minutes ago. Laughing and showing off photographs of his son. And now he’s...not.

But, Saikawa didn’t disappear. Not really.

The blood seeping through the tatami is proof of it, but Wataru chooses not to look. In theory, he knows what a bullet through the skull looks like. He’d just rather not see today if what he’s taught reflects true in the real world.

Maybe some other time.

“Wataru.”

Wataru flinched. “Y-yes?”

Akaashi looked back at him. “The cake?”

His body was still trembling and it took a lot of strength to not let it show in his hands when he gave it back to Akaashi, the box pleasantly yellow with doodles of doe-eyed eggs dancing along the handle. Unblemished, unlike Akaashi, who was sporting a splatter of blood along his cheek.

It’s surprisingly still cool to touch, too.

“No, thank you,” he said, rejecting the handkerchief that Wataru offered.

From afar, Wataru could hear the faint melodies of an old love song being played by a car radio. No doubt Konoha’s doing. It followed them, growing louder the closer they walked back into the parking lot. The others bowed and sent gruff salutations along Akaashi’s way as they dragged bodies out of the Saikawa mansion.

(It was nauseating and Wataru wanted to pass out.)

He pressed his nails harshly into the meat of his palm.

“A-Akaashi-san,” Wataru began. “I didn’t know that- that um, you liked... sweets.”

Akaashi halted.

“No, I don’t,” he said, blinking. “But my wife does.”

Wataru stared at him.

Akaashi went ahead.

He stayed that way— staring and wondering, until they stopped by the fast food restaurant that Konoha loved so much. Wataru couldn’t even finish his burger and fries.

By the time that they hit the freeway, Akaashi had already cleaned himself up and Wataru was still grappling with the word “wife.”

Of course he knows the man is married.

But, how, exactly, do you reconcile his reputation with the sight of him, every passing headlight sharpening his features, quietly humming along to Aki Yashiro? Who was longing for Shinjuku at night, the beauty of it, and oh, how wonderful it’d be, she said: a rendezvous with her lover, waiting for her under raining cherry blossoms.

Wataru figured that he was tired and starting to see things.

That small smile that graced Akaashi’s lips couldn't be real, either, especially those hands of his that held the box of cake like it’s worth more than gold.

He wasn't really particular when it comes to music. A song's a song, in Akaashi's opinion. Another form of noise that helps when the silence gets too overbearing.

But you, on the other hand, liked music. Listened to it the same way one eats their favorite food: memorizes the lyrics; goes out of your way to collect unearthed photographs and newspaper clippings that made the singer seem more human.

You loved music— was probably the right way of putting it.

Especially the old variety. He didn't get it at first. The sounds are dated; no one speaks in that language with that cadence anymore; the singer's probably dead.

Well, Akaashi still doesn't get it, if he were to be honest.

Yet here he is.

His hands were wrapped around your waist, coaxing you into a slow— albeit clumsy, waltz.

"Kei-kun!" you squeaked. "The dishes!"

You dragged your slippers beneath you, struggling to wipe the suds off your hands.

"S-seriously, Kei-kun..!"

Sure, he doesn’t fully understand what’s great about it, music.

Yet here he is.

Perhaps it’s because he immediately recognized the first few notes this time, that’s why he’s doing this. He didn’t even wait for the DJ to finish saying, “You’re still listening to Vintage F.M. Here’s a classic for you couples out there. Have a romantic night with Nat King Cole’s L-O-V-”

Perhaps it’s because your cream stew tasted extra special that it made him shrug the fatigue off, giving in to the urge of pulling you close and taking your damp hand in his to sway and bob along the skipping bassline. Your bashful objections went in one ear and out the other.

Sure, he’s not the type to do this, either, dancing.

Yet here he is.

Perhaps it’s because he knew that it’s your favorite song.

Perhaps it’s just what marriage does to you.

"Did you like the cake?" he whispered against your neck, inhaling the scent of cinnamon and the way your skin jumped as he did.

Your breaths were shallow against his chest, but you managed a soft, “Yes, sweetheart. Thank you.”

Akaashi caressed your back, kneading the tensed muscles as he huffed.

“Good,” he murmured, trembling. “Good girl. What a relief."

It was endearing, how offbeat the both of you were. A shame, though, considering that Nat King Cole’s fervently insisting on love; that it’s all that I can give to you; that it’s more than just a game for two.

So Akaashi makes up for his two left feet by joining in. He pressed his lips to your forehead. How strange, your presence in his life. What did he do to deserve you by his side, for this contentment that thaws away the chill?

(He put a ring on your finger, is what he did. He deserves this.)

“Two,” he droned, made giddy by the sparks in his belly, “in love can make it.”

You looked at him, wide-eyed.

“Take my heart and please don’t break it.”

He spun you around.

“Oh my god, Kei-kun,” you gasped. “You can’t sing.”

Akaashi’s aware of it all too well. He can’t carry a note; not him: the guy who’s had monotony ingrained in his very being. But that’s why he has you.

A startled giggle left you as he guided you into a box step, the trumpet rising and falling over the strings. You stepped on him a few times, so he lifted you up, just so, and kicked off your slippers. Then, he set your feet atop his own.

He took you with him as he moved, waddling and careful not to hit his back against the countertop. It came as no revelation that both of you weren’t any better dancers even after this maneuver.

Akaashi continued. Starting with L—

“Is for the way you look at me.”

“Stop, stop-” Your eyes crinkled at the sides. “You’re flat.”

Akaashi persisted, anyway, taking your cheek to pepper kisses all over your face.

“O is for the only one I see.”

Your laugh was airy— light and buoyant all over the kitchen, like a fairy leaving stardust in its wake. Not gratingly booming nor demanding. After all, you weren’t the kind who felt the need for it: an audience to witness how pleased you are; how strong and powerful you are over everyone else.

Besides, your laugh was just for him. A private and intimate thing. And he was so lost in it that he almost forgot what’s been gnawing at him for the entire morning.

Akaashi rested his chin on your shoulder, nuzzling the downy fabric of your dress as he gripped you by the hips.

“Where did you go earlier?”

The orchestra was in a joyous uproar, joining the rapid beating of your heart; the trumpet bright and clear, singing in harmony with the bass and saxophones and trombones, as Nat King Cole repeatedly guaranteed, as if an oath, that love was made for me and you.

Love was made for me and you.

“I had to buy some groceries!” you piped up. “We ran out of ingredients. Sorry, I forgot to bring my phone with me. Oh, I have to run you a bath. I’ll tell you when it’s done, alright?”

You broke away from him with a beaming grin, but Akaashi wanted to ask, despite the evidence of it before him.

��Are you happy?”

It has already ended, the song. The DJ was signing off for the night.

You nodded, playfully jabbing his arm with a fist.

“Of course,” you told him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Perhaps it’s because you were never really good at pretense, no matter how much you hid behind needless noise.

Music. Laughter. Running water.

Akaashi sighed as he slumped down the nearest stool.

Of course you’re happy. Why wouldn’t you be?

After rubbing his eyes with clammy fingers, Akaashi fiddled them together beneath his temples. He released a heavy breath and fished for his phone in his pocket.

He spoke after the first two rings.

“Wataru-san, I’m sorry for bothering you,” he said. “Can you do something for me?”

His subordinate didn't ask him why, neither did he react when he'd stated his request. Akaashi knew, however, that the question was sitting in Wataru's clipped replies. The boy’s “yes, sir” and “understood, sir” were far too enthusiastic than normal.

Akaashi didn’t mind, though, if he did ask. And despite that familiar pang of dread, Akaashi would answer him like the common— just like the average, everyday husband— with that characteristic, bordering on irksome pride that they have when they talk about their wives.

Why?

“Well, Wataru-san,” Akaashi would answer. “Perhaps this is just what marriage does to you.”

The house was a house like any other.

There was an old pickup truck parked outside the freshly painted gate, carrying crates of fruits and vegetables in its trunk. Along the bricked walls was an overgrowth of vines and ferns. It extended around the windows and crept up the balcony.

A large Shiba ran outside and jumped to your lap as soon as it saw you by the driveway.

Wataru heard Chiaki stir at the back of the car.

“Pay up, asshole,” he grunted, waking a disheveled Ryota who’s still holding a half-bitten melon bread.

His lackey cracked his neck and gave the scenery a cursory glance. “Could be a front.”

Ryota grumbled and went back to sleep.

“Idiot,” Chiaki clicked his tongue. “She traveled all the way to Miyagi just to give intel? And here? Of all places?”

Three days.

They’ve tailed you for three days. Akaashi-san never said anything else, besides that within the week, while he’s gone and sealing deals in another country, there was a high likelihood of you folding and getting out of Tokyo.

To run right here. In Miyagi.

He didn’t say why, really, but Wataru supposes it’s better that he didn’t. Because during the days of absolute, mind-crushing boredom, of watching some suburban wife go out for a morning walk, chat with her neighbors, and shop around the market, rinse and repeat, coming up with the Why had been their only salvation.

The betting pool has two answers: cheater or snitch.

Chiaki was insistent on the former, while Ryota stood by the latter.

And Wataru...Wataru could only watch, waiting with a bated breath as the door finally opened.

“I bet it’s someone younger,” Chiaki said. “Usually is.”

Seems that none of them were winning anything today.

The man who emerged from the house was far older— who, oddly enough, resembled you. An old woman soon followed behind him. Both of them looked at you as if they were witnessing a specter, or someone who's crawled back from the dead. An appropriate comparison, especially since they’re both wearing somber black clothes.

It wasn’t his place to assume. Though he’s been promoted to a slightly higher position, it will never come close to the place that Keiji Akaashi occupies. Wataru knows all of these, but nothing was stopping him from putting the pieces together, no matter what little he has.

They could only stare when all of you broke down into tears, locked in each other’s embrace as you knelt on the pavement.

Don’t let her stay too long.

That had been one of Akaashi-san’s orders.

So the three of them didn’t wait it out. By the time that the sun had set, Wataru had already stepped out of the car, taking Ryota with him. He made sure to remind the boy, just in case he’d forgotten.

“Be gentle, alright?” Wataru reiterated.

There hadn’t been any need for that, it turned out.

He’s sure you’ve never met before, but Wataru saw bitter understanding flash in your eyes when you caught them loitering in front of your house. Fear was there, too, of course.

Wataru was convinced that surely it’s a good thing. It saved everyone a lot of time, that way.

You didn’t even say a word, only giving Wataru a stiff nod when he’d introduced himself, and remained like so on the ride back to Tokyo, with the strap of your handbag trapped by a clenched fist. Wataru didn’t try to initiate small talk; it felt unnecessary.

It took a while for Wataru to realize that you also hadn’t bothered to change out of your pajamas, though he gave you a couple of minutes to say your farewells.

Pajamas, obscured now by a thick, gray coat.

Akaashi-san was right.

You had no plans of coming home. Not tonight. Maybe not for a while.

Wataru decided not to linger on it anymore.

He ignored the blank stare that pierced right through the rear-view mirror. And then, Wataru wondered, hand sweating in his pocket, what the three of them should have for dinner.

Thick chunks of pumpkin melted in your mouth with just the first spoonful of broth.

It'd been a while since the last time Akaashi cooked. So, more than anything, it was the sight of him setting plates and utensils that took you aback, greeting you with a, "Welcome home. You're just in time. Food's ready," his sleeves rolled to his elbows while donning your baby owl-printed apron.

The taste didn't. Surprise you, that is. He's a good cook. Unlike you, who only became marginally better one hundred burn scars later.

It also didn't surprise you that he flew back home at the drop of a hat. Even when he said he'd be gone for a week.

"How is it?" Akaashi asked after chewing. "Took me a while to make it."

It obviously did, you thought. When you arrived, Irma Thomas was already begging through the record player.

"Do you need me, like I need you?" she implored, straight from the heart. "Look at me, I'm crying from holding you."

The last song on your favorite record. It was cheap and had the best from the artists you loved.

Etta James. Ella Fitzgerald. Aretha Franklin. The Mills Brothers. Bessie Smith. All in one vinyl.

"Yeah," you replied, clearing your throat when you realized how hard it is to speak. "It's delicious."

You looked back down to your bowl. The tofu had gone untouched. Your food was still close to spilling to the brim, while Akaashi was almost finished with his, scrolling on his phone laid on the table.

"So no one coaxed you into it," you heard him say, and that had ripped your eyes away from the broth like a bandage on an infected wound.

Akaashi was holding your phone, reading the messages- his number was the only one there, as pealing bells resonated in the dining room.

"I'd think of all the things that I wanted of you," cried Irma Thomas. "To make me forget the pain that you caused."

"I would've known if anyone else talked to you, anyway," he huffed, locking the screen before blowing steam off the morsel.

"You would," you conceded. The tofu was soft when you bit into it, sinking into your teeth.

"I found that in our cabinet. Last time it was in the kitchen drawer, wasn't it?" Akaashi helped himself to a bowl of rice. "Don't leave it in stuffy places. What if you forget where you hid it and you won't know when I call?"

"And I can no longer keep track of where you are for every moment of the day?" you could hear him say. Though he didn't; though all that could heard, besides the scraping of utensils, was Irma Thomas declaring:

A fragile thing, like life. It just don't last so long.

It could be for a minute or an hour. Or then again, from now.

Your lips tightened with a grin. "I won't do it again, sweetheart," you said, spoon hanging limply in your hold.

He didn't need to say it.

That your phone has a tracker. That this house is still the same cage that it'd been before. That the only difference between then and now is that silver band on your finger.

Akaashi’s blinked back at you as he sipped what remained of the soup. You tried to do the same.

The savory taste was cloying and it burned in your throat, so you didn't attempt to finish the bowl. It cut down to your heart, sinking heavily on your stomach, bile rising as the song came to a close.

You gulped it down, though. You had to. And in the final moments, Irma Thompson told you what she really wanted.

"Make me forget," she said, "the pain that you'd caused."

The chorus joined her. "Understanding is a great thing," she concluded. "If it comes from the heart."

Akaashi was on his own phone this time. Most likely checking on the business that he left, judging by those furrowed brows and that long-suffering look in his eyes.

Fizzling noise came at the heels of the fading music. Then, it stopped. And there was nothing left anymore but silence.

It's over now. Akaashi’s making a move to clean up. You were supposed to say, "That was a lovely dinner, honey." Or, you could tell him to sit down and watch a movie with you when he's done.

"I'll help you with the dishes," you wanted to say.

I'll help you with the dishes. It was so easy to say.

Instead, what came out of your mouth was a hushed call for his name.

"Kei-kun," you repeated, brittle and weak and dry.

"I'm so sorry," you might've mouthed.

You could barely hear your own voice as you looked at him. Akaashi paused from tidying the table.

You're parched and a lot has happened today. Gathering the courage to take that first step out of the city had taken what little strength you had. The fear never left you. Seeing your old house almost ended you.

It should be physically impossible for you to still be able to cry. And yet there doesn't seem to be an end to your tears now, the same way your apologies unfurled in an embarrassingly infinite string.

"Don't lock me inside here again," you whispered, clinging to him as he shushed you, wiping your cheeks with his thumbs as he helped you drink a glass of water.

He carried you to your room and sat you down on the bed, right between his thighs. You sobbed into your hands, tears and snot on the sleeves of your pajama top.

"I- I just wanted to see them. That's all. Just one day, Kei-kun. One day. I was gonna come back, I swear."

You're rambling. You're a madwoman pleading and bargaining with a stone-cold judge because playing house is the only thing keeping her alive.

And you messed that up you foolish, foolish girl.

"Please don't hurt my family," you heaved. "They're all I have left."

Akaashi doesn't speak, not for a while, but when he did, you bawled harder.

"I can kill them all," he said, matter of factly.

It is true. Hearing him say it does not make it easier to take, though.

"I can hurt you the same way that you hurt me."

Your neck strained as he tipped your chin towards him with a slender finger.

"I can break you," he muttered, not batting an eye.

That, too, is true. You know it all too well. He said it with such serenity, still and undisturbed by the shaking of your head, because it goes without saying.

Except, you, too, know it.

When he is breaking. When he is falling apart.

He smothered you, taking your entire body to curl against you, making himself small as he pressed his face on your back.

"Yet- and yet I-" Akaashi sniffled. You felt your shirt dampen. "I've given you everything."

When he finally brought his face close to yours, he looked so lost. Almost like a little boy who's on the verge of drowning, clinging desperately onto a lifesaver and too shocked to shout for help.

You hated him all the more for it.

"Each other," he said, snarling, almost, through tears as he grabbed your face with both hands. "That's all we have left, you hear? You and I. Husband and wife."

He seized your jaw and turned it towards the vanity mirror.

The room was dark save for the light in the hallway, peeking into the crack through the doorway.

But you could see yourself. And you could see your hand intertwined in his, your rings gleaming like muted starlights.

"We made a vow," he whispered, kissing your ring finger.

A detached part of you is astonished with how inescapable it is. Whether it be a reward or a punishment; a good day or a bad one.

No matter what happens, you always end up like this, don't you?

Begging to him with your legs spread wide.

You did as you'd always done when he began unbuttoning your top.

You go back to that autumn morning, when you first laid your eyes on him, a cup of coffee in his hand, and you thought that he had the prettiest face you'd ever seen.

You go back to when he was just this really romantic guy who sent you flowers every day. There was a letter, every time.

Nothing too grandiose. Just short messages hoping that you'd have a great day ahead.

He kissed your neck, wet smooches and long, flat-tongued licks dipping down your shoulder.

He watched you through the mirror, his eyes a pair of darkened blues daring you to look away.

Akaashi Keiji was your boyfriend, you told yourself. You dated him for quite some time before you married.

Akaashi Keiji got along well with your father and doted on your mother. On Sundays, you visit them and they send you back to Tokyo with ripe watermelons.

Akaashi Keiji has never hurt you.

The man tracing the hem of your bra, cupping your clothed tits and drawing lazy circles over nipples, however, did.

(And he still will in future. He still is, right now.)

This man is the real one.

And you have angered him, so he will not make this easy for you.

"What did you promise me?" Akaashi whispered as he lightly bit the shell of your ear. "Or have you forgotten?"

Of course, you haven't forgotten. You were chained to this very room when you made them, after all.

"N-no, I remember," you said, catching your breath. "I remember, Kei-kun."

"Then say it," he said. "Look at me."

You shivered as his palms swept over your stomach; as he unfastened your bra, letting it fall down your arms.

"Look at me when you say it."

You felt your nipples harden, gooseprickles spread all over you, as the air hit your bare skin, cooling the sweat that made it glisten.

"Please," he rasped.

The eyes of the woman in the mirror was hooded, threatening to close as she puffed with each squeeze and caress to her tits, swiveling her hips against her husband’s crotch as he grinded into her.

"I will be happy," she said.

Akaashi nuzzled your temple, using his rough fingers to tease your nipples just as he did, brushing them to and fro, then grazing the bumpy skin around until you're squeaking out his name.

And when he began pressing down on the stiff peaks with his thumbs, before rolling and pulling at them, the heels of his palm digging into your tits, you saw the woman claw at her husband's hair, a graceless affair that almost scratched his eye out, making him reach for both her arms to wrap them around his neck.

"I- I will..!" Her lips parted in a breathless scream and it was disgusting how lewd she appeared. "I will not run away!"

The streak of tears on his cheeks touched yours when he kissed you. His lips were soft and warm, his wet tongue gliding in so slowly as he deepened the kiss with a throaty groan.

His other hand crawled down to your soaked panties. You couldn't contain the mewl that left you.

Both of you gasped and struggled to breathe again after you parted from each other.

"You understand, don't you?" he rasped.

Two of his fingers slid down your folds, only to slither back up, then down again, smearing your cunt with its own slick.

But he never touched your swollen clit, even though it's throbbing and aching to be rubbed and the hard bulge sitting between your ass grew harder the more you squirmed in his hold, whimpering like a bitch in heat.

You heard your husband sigh, his hot breath tickling you when he said, "This isn't about you now."

Belly pushed into the edge of the dressing table, rattling and battering against the wall with each forceful thrust, and your leg perched atop it, made numb by Akaashi's grip on your thigh.

That was the first thing that you could recall when you opened your eyes.

But your entire body was screaming in pain, so you knew that everything else that happened last night would come back to you soon enough.

The flesh had a memory of its own.

You sat up with a groan and you didn't have to see the marks to know.

His teeth were still nipping at you, biting you until they drew blood, only to follow with an apologetic lapping of his tongue.

You could feel him beneath you, his hands clawing you down to him, palms kneading your ass cheeks as you bounced up and down on his cock.

You could feel him above you, gripping your wrists not unlike the cuffs that once kept you shackled. He had your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling you close to him, filling you up with loads and loads of cum, squelching every time he sank down your weeping hole.

And when your vision began to blur at the edges, he carried your body, mere seconds into fainting, to the dressing table.

The evidence of that stared back at you in shameful streaks and smudges, traces of your fingers on the mirror when he rammed your cunt from behind.

"Are you happy?" Akaashi whispered.

You don't know.

When he's just your husband who comes home to your arms and brings you sweets because he knows how much you love them; who dances with you in the kitchen and listens intently to you when you talk about that cute dog you saw at the park, were you happy, then?

You don't know, but the woman in the mirror, in that moment, surely was.

She even said, "Yes, yes, Kei-kun, right there, fuck me right there!"

Her pupils were blown wide, eyes rolling almost over to the back of her head. And despite the cries that escaped her, there was a wide, dissipated smile on her lips, spit trailing down her chin.

"Look at you," Akaashi said, grunting when your walls tightened around his shaft. "You're clearly happy with me."

"So why? Why'd you even think of leaving?" He rocked his hips, grinding his thick cock against that spot that had you holding onto the mirror. "Don't ever do that to me again."

You told him no, no, you won't run away again, but it didn't seem to placate his unease, nor his tears.

"I'm so scared, everyday, that you'll leave me and- and- it feels like hell. I would rather die."

He kissed your nape as he huffed and said, "Because I don't know what I'll do without you."

You never really understood why; what about you had caused him to single you out in the sea of people that had vied for his attention. Especially now as you looked at yourself in the mirror.

There were dark circles under your eyes and Akaashi’s t-shirt was rumpled on your body, engulfing you whole with its size— a far cry from that lovely, dazzling bride that his best friend, Bokuto, had described you as on your wedding day.

But you’re aware, more than anyone, that Akaashi Keiji is the last person to care about appearances.

When he entered the room, carrying a tray in his hands, he gazed at that disheveled girl with eyebags big enough to be dragged around the same way he looked at her when he waited for her at the end of the aisle.

“I made you pancakes,” he muttered, clearing his throat as he sat down beside you.

You were tired so it didn’t dawn on you as quickly as it should that he made them the way you preferred. Four fluffy pieces stacked atop one another, sprinkled with powdered sugar, whipped cream and a smattering of berries on the side.

He fiddled with his fingers when you only stared at it, so you immediately took the fork in your hand and sliced the pancake in half.

“I’ll be taking some time off work,” Akaashi said as you took the food in your mouth. You only nodded, having noticed that he wasn’t wearing the usual bespoke suit as soon as he entered the room.

You felt him near you; felt his hand, warm to touch, cup your face.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His eyes were misty and, this close, it seemed that he, too, wasn’t in a good shape. “So please-” Akaashi licked his chapped lips, “Please don’t go.”

“I won’t,” you replied, giving him the smile that you knew he needed. “I promise.”

Then, as you moved to kiss him on the cheek, the chains that tethered you to the bedpost clinked softly beneath the blanket, and you didn’t bother to keep the tears at the bay.

Akaashi wiped them for you when you said that you loved him. And when he asked why, you only shrugged and told him that the pancakes were so sweet that they could make anyone cry.

#tw noncon #tw non con haikyuu #akaashi x y/n #akaashi x female reader #Dark content haikyuu #yandere akaashi keiji

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cynergy-laughter · 4 years

Text

Obey Me! One Master to Rule Them All! Headcanon #9

So I have this idea of a scenario: Everything that went wrong went wrong yesterday, with time running out, and there was so much to do before going to bed, you had to scramble and multitask getting projects and assignments redone before realizing it’s the weekend. And ALL the brothers had a hand in your grinding day. So a sleep-deprived MC, with an attitude that can be described as, “I would literally fight God for an ounce of serotonin and a blissful hour of sleep.” goes to breakfast with the boys and they just snap, and starts roasting all of them and calling out their roles in his grinding day.

Lucifer: MC, so glad you could join us for breakfast.

MC: Don’t start with me, Lucifer, I had a very rough night...

Lucifer: You should watch your tone, MC, just cause it’s the weekend doesn’t mean I won’t punish you for stepping out of line.

MC: *record scratch plays in their head and turns head* Me? Stepping out of line? You have some nerve.

Satan: *eyes widen, a bit concerned for you talking back at Lucifer* Umm, MC, as entertaining as this is, are you okay?

MC: *looks at Satan, dark circles intensifying* No Satan... I’m not okay... After school yesterday I only had one assignment to do, and it turned into 5 assignments in the span of last night...

Mammon: *walks in* Good morning, what’s for eats?

MC: *head turns toward Mammon and points at him* You...

Mammon: W-What? What do you want human?

MC: You know perfectly what what I want, you dollar store mink stole.

Asmo: *nearly spit out his drink*

MC: You thought it would be fun to bring 6 ferrets into my room without my permission... do you know what they did?

Lucifer: He did what now?

Mammon: *kind of hurt from being called a cheap mink stole* what, did they eat your homework?

MC: I mean ferrets will find an interest to play with anything, my three completed assignments could attest to that if they weren’t torn apart and left around my room like a crime scene.

Mammon: There was no other place I could put them, I’m watching them for a friend, they would have torn up my room. You should have closed your door.

MC: I did, and you still opened the door, put them in my room, and they went for my homework. I hope you’re happy for kicking off last night’s chain of events for me you dime store student loan.

Mammon: *taken aback and sat down, and just stares into his breakfast*

Levi: *chuckles* Omg, you just got told! Lolololol!

MC: *turns to Levi* Don’t think you’re innocent, Leviathan, you overripe bananaconda!

Levi: W-What?! How dare you, who do you think you are, normie?! *stands up, and is scared when you get up after him.*

MC: Who do I thi- WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Printing out an 1000 page fanfiction of TSL, on MY LAPTOP?! You used up all the dang paper, and I had to go to the store and get more printer paper, and I couldn’t start redoing my assignments until you were finished on MY LAPTOP. Do yourself a favor Lord of Weebs, and make your next Akuzon order a personal printer.

Levi: *eyes widened, sits back down shying away from confrontation*

Beel: *eating, enjoying the roast session going on*

MC: *looks at Satan* And you, you decided to put my source material on your reading list for the night. You took the books I was planning on referencing for my paper to your room.

Satan: *shrugs* You should have planned better beforehand, it’s not my fault you were having a bad day.

MC: Au contrair you blond Severus Snape knock-off. Because a demonic food processor decided to drink my potion project that I had finished brewing and had it chilling in the fridge overnight, which was clearly labeled, “Beel, do not drink my potion, signed ~MC”! *looking at Beel as he shouted the last part*

Beel: *stopped mid bite, and looked down in shame*

MC: ...And ate my favorite snacks that would have kept positive motivation in me throughout the night, but I digress. I couldn’t find the potion recipe I wrote down either, turns out I stuck it in one of potion books I also had in my room. So I had to look through the library just to find the book because you put it in a place I couldn’t get to without going out to the garden and getting a ladder, which was awkward to bring in by the way. So thanks Marian the Librarian for doing a job that literally no one asked you to do.

Satan: *blushing mad, but stayed silent*

Asmo: *giggles* Aww you guys are getting chewed out, by MC!

MC: Asmo... you intrusive thot, do not think for one second you’re safe. I had to go shopping for the potion ingredients and printer paper, so I enlisted in your help, but instead of getting the ingredients I had to reign you in because you kept on getting stuff in the cosmetics department.

Asmo: I had a date that night, I had to look good!

MC: And trying to sneak them into my transaction so now I don’t have any money to buy food to make for dinner tonight. So thank you from the bottom of my generous heart, you wannabe James Charles.

Asmo: *eyes widen and he “clutches his pearls”*

Belphie: *looks at everyone, trying not to laugh*

MC: Belphie, I appreciate that you kept on trying to calm me down through all of this, but you fell asleep in the middle of me doing my work, and I would have let it slide, if you didn’t sleep on my paper’s outline. So there’s your contribution, you horse jockey cosplayer.

Belphie: *bit his lip and looked away*

MC: And that leaves you, Lucifer. You decided to make dinner last night.

Lucifer: Yes, and you told me yourself that it was delicious.

MC: Delicious and spicy... and everyone here knows what happens when spicy and me combine...

Lucifer: *was kind of sweating* Umm... in my defense... my definition of spicy would kill you, I made that pretty mild...

MC: Yes, but your mild gave me four hours... FOUR HOURS... that’s how long I was on the toilet for. I asked the group chat on my D.D.D. to get me my devildom history textbook so I could at least redo that assignment, Belphie wasn’t responding because he was asleep, Mammon, Asmo, and Beel were gone, Levi was live-streaming and turned his phone off, Satan was doing research and apparently put it on silent, and you were doing paper work, so I wasted 4 hours of my time trying to keep hydrated while I blew Mt. Vesuvius. Shut up Asmo. So thank you, Maleficient’s edgy teenage son, you single handedly gave me the most stress last night. I hope it was worth the punishment comment.

Lucifer: *eyes widened, shocked*

MC: And you know what the icing on the cake was? I realized at 7 in the morning, when I had finished everything, that everything was due on Monday and it was the weekend... I stressed for nothing while everything that went wrong went wrong... So this is my fault as well. Now, if you will all excuse me, I am going to be sleeping for the whole weekend, and I’ll be back to my old self on Monday. And if anyone thinks about disturbing me... just remember I have a pact with Every. Single. One of you. You will join me if you like it or not... I’ll send for my meals, I can’t make dinner tonight, and I’m taking this to my room. *takes breakfast* Now good day...

Mammon: MC we’re sor-

MC: I SAID GOOD DAY! *storms off into his room*

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ravenclaw-questions-gone-writing · 3 years

Text

Outline # -1 Abandoned Lore (Trinity)

@fanfics-and-fangirling

I have learned my lesson, I will be writing these on Google docs and then copy-pasting onto Tumblr. While I am on GD, I figured I might as well open the docs I used to write the actual fic. Man, I went through a ton of hoops to get where I am. I will be using the most coherent ones for reference.

I can literally track my thought process as I went through writing all the different versions and I still have no idea how tf I went from this to dropping a flaming papermache whale on Ra’s Al Ghul. And I will die mad about it. Which means more meticulous notes in the future I guess.

Also, I’d like to apologize for how long it took to get this out, I have no sense of time whatsoever and as always, there’s a lot more than expected. This was 7 pages long

Original Ramble Post

Like most of my stories, the MC is an OCI - reincarnator brought into a fictional world they once watched. (Because I am obsessed with that trope.)

I now find the original name I had for her cringy and out-of-place given these are norse gods. So, from now on her name is Lokka, which is the female version of Loki

There’s a whole ass backstory about the transition of godly names and power I won’t go into. Just think Thor and female Thor kind of thing I guess. She’s basically seen as a spare Loki but it’s also a respected position.

Was tempted to name her Sigyn since Marvel doesn’t care about actual norse myth relations. No, Idc that there’s a canon Sigyn.

If you’re curious, the original name was Aradia. Yes, like the queen of witches.

MC is an asgardian, the daughter of the librarian in the royal palace and a blacksmith

She managed to get an apprenticeship under Loki and is occasionally taught by Frigga. She also learns under Eir when both her royal teachers are busy.

Lokka found her way into the central plane, probably having found it’s location from Loki’s notes and is unaware that it’s unstable.

So, Lokka is in the central plane, having the time of her life exploring new lands when she stumbles across a crying Marinette who is very lost

Unlike Lokka, Marinette does not know where she is or what is going on. She literally just tripped into a portal and has no way home.

Lokka takes Marinette under her wing and promises to help her find a way home

Problem is, she doesn’t know which of the three universes Marinette is from.

Even if/when she finds out that the girl is from MLB-verse, she still wouldn’t know which one that is because she has no reference to which world is which. Only that Marinette is probably not from Asgard.

At this point, she is unaware she lived in Marvel, she just knows Asgard is Norse Mythology.

So they continue to wander the central plane, Marinette ends up picking up a card guardian for a pet, accidentally becoming a cardcaptor.

Marinette has trouble pronouncing Lokka and Lokka gives Mari permission to call her Cosette (pre-reincarnation name)

Meanwhile, Ra’s sends Damian and Talia into the Central plane for combat experience and resource gathering.

Ra’s might be 700 years old, he might have access to the Central plane but he sure doesn’t know about magic or how it came to be or the current state of it. He might know something’s off because all the inhabitants have been increasingly on edge and the weather’s been stranger than usual but he didn’t deemed it important

Notably, he has never seen anyone other than those who he’d sent in himself in the central planes (CP, from now on bc I am getting tired of typing the entire thing out) so as far as he knows, the CP’s only entrance point is under his control.

Talia and Damian, who’s still going by Hafid, go hunting for resources and training

They separate for a bit for individual hunting/training time

Marinette and Cosette (Lokka) stumble across Damian’s camp

Misunderstandings occur, Damian fights them, more accurately he fights Cosette

Cosette tries to protect Marinette while also making sure not to harm her opponent

It was harder than she expected considering her opponent was a child

Asgardian training pulls through and she is able to do both

Damian’s tied up, Marinette is confused, and Cosette does not want to deal with this

Negotiation time

Marinette can’t speak Arabic, Damian doesn’t know french, and Cosette has all-speak

This means Cosette’s sitting there, having to repeat everything the kids say to each other for translation’s sake

also misunderstandings before the kids realize allspeak is a thing

Cosette is stuck with two kids who don’t like each other, one of which barely puts up with her so she does what most adults do when kids are too troublesome

Distract them: she does magic tricks with actual magic

Damian+Marinette are fascinated, Cosette accidentally gains two magic students

even though she’s still learning herself and all she has for guidance right now are Loki’s and Frigga’s notes

So, the trio end up travelling together

Damian demands Marinette should at least be able to fight so they train her too

They also figure out that Marinette and Damian’s worlds are not the same.

Cosette drills some value of life, basic morals, and feminism into Damian’s head

Marinette and Damian (Hafid) have trouble pronouncing each other’s names

They chose nicknames for each other from Cosette’s bedtime stories

Marinette is obviously angel or Tenko

Damian is gets Kabane, the name of a half demon

Kabane later changes to Kasane, protective blade

Yes, Cosette was/is a weeb and yes, they still mispronounce names which defeats the whole purpose but at least they kids don’t notice now even if Cosette is cringing every time they

They run into another card guardian and this one goes to Damian.

Cosette does not pout about this, it would be very immature

One training montages, several fights, a couple language lessons, and an abandoned (and Cosette-raided) house later, Cosette gets to the part of Loki’s notes where she figures out that the CP is collapsing in on itself and uh-oh

She tells the kids the gist of it but they’re too smart, ask all the right questions, and end up figuring out the important parts of situation that she’s trying to keep from them

Cosette is both impressed and a little put out, mostly impressed because not only did they figure out extremely complex magic, they also mostly remained level headed.

Marinette wants to rescue the card guardians and for once Damian is backing her up so Coestte gives up the notion of returning home and they go collect the guardians.

Remember, DC and MLB universes are closing in on each other

MCU is drifting away

If they don’t collect the guardians, Cosette would have the time to just drop them off at their world collection points and head back to hers

After collecting a couple guardians, they end up finding Talia and explain the situation to her.

Talia joins the gang, she may or may not be plotting a marriage

They raid a couple more houses, collect the 54 card guardians, and complete the power transfer ritual (replacing the Yue’s trial because the cards are the guardians)

The cards end up latching onto the three kids.

Marinette gets the Mistress title, Damian gets Sun Guardian, and Cosette gets Moon guardian.

Originally Cosette was going to be the mistress and Marinette the Moon guardian but because of the way I’ve decided magic works in this world - explaining that will need a whole other post - if Marinette is the moon guardian and gets the Ladybug miraculous, she will - for lack of better word - get sick and possibly die... or not.

Y’know what, it made sense at the time. But now that I think about it, we’re going back to the original idea.

Cosette’s the Card Mistress, Marinette’s the Moon guardian and Damian’s the Sun guardian.

Spoiler alert: that is a plot point for tropes-verse.

The completion of the ritual breaks puts CP deteriorations in high acceleration

Damian and Talia get into their circle, Cosette and Marinette in the other

Damian doesn’t have any cards bc he doesn’t want his grandfather trying to get to them. He and Talia agreed Ra’s would only know about the CP’s destruction. He does, however, have a CP beast that they picked up.

CP beast: magical creature that was born of CP’s magical residue or smth

Damian’s looks like a Teddiursa (Teddy bear pokemon) it is not

They have a notebook from a raided house detailing CP’s deterioration for proof

Cosette goes with Marinette because she can’t make it back to her universe and in the event that Marinette’s also from Cosette’s universe, she won’t be alone

They separate with the promise of meeting again.

At this point, I have had several differing ideas

They all go into DC world because they aren’t sure of Marinette’s world

Child trio goes into MLB world and Talia tells Ra’s Damian died

Everyone goes into MLB and Ra’s finds out about the collapse when he tries going in himself and finds out he can’t and just assumes they died

Y’all, I’m starting to see why I can’t do one-shots…

One of the things I forgot to mention in the rambling post is that while Marvel-verse was pulling away, it also messed with the time regulation thing, a day in the Maribat-verse will

Time in CP was very messed up

Kind of assumed readers could piece it together but I figured might as well make it obvious and straight up say it

MLBU: Cosette and Marinette arrive safely

Marinette is delivered home and Cosette has to figure something out

They find out Marinette has only been gone for a week

Marinette has some separation anxiety for about three days

Cosette slowly realizing this is an MLB universe and having a crisis

Cosette gets adopted by the Dupain-Chengs and starts working at the bakery

I have not figured out ages for Cosette

MLB goes like most Maribat fics pre-gotham because I’m lazy

Will likely be adjusted if I ever actually write this fic

Except Cosette steps in when things got too far and Paris has 3 heroes

Cosette is the known as the Sorciere or Lokka

Her uniform is just her asgardian armor

Good but misguided Adrien, Cosette probably adopts him too

Love square goes platonic and Cosette is glad this rom-com is over

Magic tutoring continues

Cosette is neutral with Fu and fascinated by the miraculous

You remember those ghost interactions? Those are filtering in

One of the first things to merge is the internet, because it doesn’t have a physical body and it’s just waves of information

News and discoveries between the world are being swapped

Given what I remember from DC and dimension travel, it wouldn’t be surprising if they figured out universes were merging.

The news about JL and Paris’s situation are causing all kinds of confusion

Cosette beings looking for information on Damian

As the physical world begins merging, there’s pockets of space where you can slip from one world into another; not quite portals but close

Eventually the trip to NY became a trip to Gotham because their plane slipped between planes (sorry, I saw the chance and I had to take it.) but yeah, that happened.

There’s quite a few details I’m forgetting

DCU: Damian and Talia arrive ok and report bare basics to Ra’s

It has also only been a week

Ra’s is displeased to find them back until they report the state of the CP

There’s the whole coup not long after and Damian is sent to Bruce

Damian is much more innocent looking when he’s bringing what appears to be a teddy bear with him

It’s name is Abd and it has grown wings by now. Actual name pending.

He gets teased about it, but under Cosette’s teachings, he has learned the virtue of patience, underestimation, and getting revenge with a side of entertainment

He does not try to kill Tim either

He also has to make the choice of bringing Abd with him as Damian or as Robin

He choses to make a side company for WE making toys based off creatures from the CP so Abd wouldn’t look too out of place

It takes two weeks for the bats to realize there’s something off about the Abd

They are convinced it’s haunted and Damian is very entertained

Abd only moves in daytime when no one - Damian excluded - can see it

Movement can expel magic that interferes with recording tech

Alfred is the first to figure it out and surprise, surprise, he has some magic books for Damian to learn from

It’s from the Wayne family library and they just assumed the language was lost to time. At least three are from Alfred’s own family.

Bat brothers spend the next 6 months trying to convince Damian his magical pet bear is a haunted doll.

Damian sort of getting along with Poison Ivy because his Sun magic is very compatible with plants and they love him

On an unrelated note, the plants seem to refuse to attack the new Robin

Damian randomly, unconsciously humming to songs Cosette and Marinette sang

Damian just vibing with the magic users of JL and Teen Titans

No one took him seriously at first but he pointed something out during a conference

“Robin, stand down and let the magic users handle this” - Green Lantern, probably

Constantine who actually knows what he’s talking about “No, no, let the boy talk.”

The plan was twice as efficient after Damian was through with it

Now Constantine’s trying to adopt Damian as an apprentice, he’s failing bc the bats are protective and possessive of what is theirs

Reminder that Damian brings Abd with him everywhere and he’s still getting teased about it from anyone who is not a bat (still convinced the thing is haunted)

The only thing the magic users have picked up about Abd is that he’s a magical construct which could mean a number of things but they brush it off as just a doll.

No one is prepared for the thing to come to life, multiply in size, and start spitting ice, sleep sand, and illusions. (Hiccups bubbles and can also turn into a cloud.)

They are also not prepared for the thing to quadruple in size and for Damian to ride it like a horse into battle. Reminder that Abd has wings and can fly.

Confusing talk about what’s going on in Paris and some other parts of the world

JL slowly figure out the universal merger that Damian already knows about

Damian is not impressed, it took him and Angel about 2 hours as 9 year olds

Somehow, Damian still has the ice prince image, less demon spawn though, that goes to Abd

Time moves on and one day, a plane from the other world arrives in Gotham

There’s a bit of confusion but it’s not exactly the first time something like this has happened at this point

WE steps up and offers jobs and a tour and all the usual Maribat plans (not just for the kids but all the other people on the plane)

Given the merger of the internet, MLB class and crew have some idea who the Waynes are and they accept.

Estimated about 6 months for full merger so people from MLB world are kinda just stuck there until then

Lila literally cannot lie about knowing the Waynes personally but she sure can lie about other things.

Dick and Damian are sent in to monitor the group

The reunion is awkward given they can’t freely interact and are not supposed to know each other.

While Dick is talking, there are just wide eyed staring between Marinette, Damian, and Cosette. With something a little extra between Marinette and Damian.

Cosette is torn between laughing and groaning at another rom-com trope coming in fast.

She ends up filming it bc blackmail is always good to have

Adrien is confused and quite frankly, he’s really just there to cover for them

The tour begins and about five minutes in, the trio breaks off and exchanges stories and names.

Cosette hears about Batman and has a dawning realization of what this world is, mentally nopes out, later digests that they are going into Maribat verse

Starts checking off Maribat tropes they’re coming across bc she might as well have fun with it

They continue to meet up

Batfam thinking Damian somehow managed to get two girlfriends

Damian choking on his breakfast when it is brought up

The girls are invited to dinner and Damian is just dying inside

Cosette blatantly hitting on all Damian’s brothers in the first 5 minutes

Damian screaming internally while Cosette cackles

Dick is awkward until he realizes it’s a joke, Jason plays along, Tim has an awkward bean crisis

Tim x Cosette? Maybe.

Cosette does that sit and repeat thing at least three times out of habit

Batfam gets full explanation about how they met and everything

I have played with the idea of Cosette getting fear gassed a couple times and Idk how it would go tbh.

That’s as far as I got with this version, so shenanigans ensue

Pretty sure they used the cards and magic throughout even if I didn’t mention it

Absolutely would be useful for being in two places at once

I later changed so the merger happens and then Paris’s heroes meet the Justice League

Damian immediately recognizing Cosette but not Marinette bc magic

still effective but weaker because of Damian’s magic type

He later recognizes Marinette later when she pulls off a move he taught her way back in CP

Nickname confusion for everyone else

Cosette vs Constantine on who gets to teach Damian magic

Damian goes to Paris. They beat Hawkmoth and then go to Gotham.

Also had a general idea of a plot with LoS that never got fleshed out past existing

If we’re going for the rebound version: Cosette reunites with Thor and Loki during the Avengers movie

Also, poor Heimdallr. He probably had a lot of headaches with the universe crash

Accelerated merger because of the convergence in the dark world.

I wanna go with 2012 Avengers towers shenanigans. + Loki and his sort-of but not really daughter

Cosette vs Antman, shrinking/growing, science vs magic.

And then there’s the whole Ironman vs Batman vs Arrow rich boy fight

Hammer x Luthor or Hammer vs Luthor?

Also, Cosette just staring at her home universe in betrayal and being insulted she didn’t think of it earlier because classic Nordic myths had Loki as Odin’s brother and not his son among other things but still

Fight against Thanos is a bit anti-climatic when you give a gremlin murder child magic and a sword that can through anything, including magical artifacts.

this baby boy can and will fight God and Cosette’s not really the kind to hold him back

If I actually wrote this, a lot of things would probably change because I’d actually have to put more thought into logistics and how things work

#Maribat #Daminette #multi-crossover #Ven's ideas #Ven's rambling #Abandoned Lore #Ven's idea outline #feel free to ask questions #maribat x CCS #mlb x dc x marvel x ccs #I gave up editing #I only have vague recollection of what is actually written here

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phoenixpinks · 3 years

Text

Things Team Lazarus said during EoD starters

"When all else fails, Lex Luthor intends to kill Superman with Death." "HOLY BAT, BATMAN!" "WAIT SO WAIT WHAT???" "We're not in any danger! We're just nerds solving riddles on the internet!" "I ain't dressing up every night to find someone to punch" "I don't need to dress up every night to find someone to punch" "my son won't respond to my texts about wearing a bullet proof best, he is so grounded" "HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN IT'S TIME FOR FEAR" "NO FORTS. ONLY JUSTICE." "we're conventing court in the fort" "We pun to forget tears though" "Im gonna release all of these come the end of this, nothing is sacred" "he faked his death to get away from us" "but, it's all in good pun" "This is our life now" "you could have fit a meme in there" "oh god it is going to be a time thing" "yes how dare you say a meme I don't know, or whatever that is" "it only hurts if you let it hurt" "lies, I almost cried last night I will have none of your nonsense" "i am of a sensitive disposition. everything hurts" "Worse than my solving my problems with ___ and cocaine idea?" "you don't mix ANYTHING with cocaine, instant death" "Can I mix water with cocaine" "I may not have a coffee problem but I am surrouned by 5 different types of soda cans rn" "the soccer van, but for super villains" "we can alwats tie some people to the top of the car with bungee cords" "free test subject right here" "Ya'll gnna get yourselves killed" "My guy I'm lowekey terrified 24/7." "you're always screaming" "ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT" "I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ANYTHING" "you do not need to focus on that" "bye whoever’s leaving, I can't keep track of all of you" "you're attractive and love crime, I'm attractive and love crime. Let's be attractive and commit crimes together." "Dr we will never send puns again if you promise to stop getting into death traps" "I only said it was nice to see him again with the living. I may not sound it, but I'm absolutely ecstatic" "wow I mean he's probably not the best at running" "Kick him in the knees" "Hes DIED, He'll be fine" "I COME HOME TO PAIN!!!!" "fuck you ____ you suck at taking care of yourself" "Yes now shut up and sleep in a bed tonight instead of a ditch" "Being unconscious does not count as sleep" "IT'S NOT THE PUNISHMENT YOU DESERVE, BUT IT'S THE PUNISHMENT YOU NEED" 'We need justice for these puns" "Honestly anyone int he crowd might have snapped and shit him just to shut him up" "it was me guys" "you did the world a service fam" "YOU HAVE TAINTED HIM" "WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE, ____" "Nnnnnng that hurt me" "i gtg, I want to finish this report before 3 A.M" "procrastination at its finest" "get in losers we're going spooping" "Why have we formed a cult" "This was not what i expected when i first asked to join the skype group" "All groups of friends make cults at some point" "would it be irresponsible of me to send a message saying 'run bitch run'? "WHEN I TOLD HIM TO KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT" "I GO ON WARCRAFT FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES AND IT ALL GOES TO SHIT" "I instinctively covered my ears at the gunshots but then I remembered I was wearing headphones" *does the 'I'm so smart' dance "Mother always told me I was special" "I hope we're blowing this way out of proportion but at the same time this would be a hilarious plot twist" "WHOO BOY SCREENSHOT" "He's moved from senpai to fam" "He's probably lughing in his cellar" "dial dow the thirst there my dude lmao, ily thou" "I for one always overreact" "I never overreact. WHY. ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY SOMETHING" "___ ARE YOU ON HELIUM???" "I COME BACK AND WHAT DO I FIND" "WHY CAN'T THE RIDDLES LEAD SOMEWHERE SAFE!?! LIKW I DON'T KNOW! A DUCK POND OR I DON'T KNOW!!" "because my mind went from 'do we know any duck themed villains' to that weird French duck from courage the cowardly dog" "SHE'S HATING ON MY BOI JULIUS CAESAR" "it's been 2060 years __ im" "knife to meet your boi julius caesar" "Ok i'll hit you up next year when it's 2061" "YOU CAN HIT ME UP WHEN I'M DEAD FAM" "___ has nominated me as a Fish, or a frog, I don't even know" "if im bill the lizard youre gonna be a fish w me" "MAYBE I LIKE BEING DROP KICKED" "there is so much anger on that voice that is just covered layer of 'fuck this'" "Really? Legwork? Oh, this is grand." "give me your free time im dying in work" "it's a supervillainy way though" "I'm already dating a weeb and then I come here and WHAT DO I SEE" "I'm going to smack you all" "Everyone go stand in the corner" "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS OH MY GOD" "I never had an anime phase I win" "everybody loves him but the sentiment is not reciprocated" "i will be ashamed for the rest of my life, but sure" "time to Google... aight Google isn't helping" "Tfw you kill ___, Reblog if you agree" "he looks like you should just start punching him and never stop" "when did we start being about ____'s butt" "We're allowed to be proud because it's obvious the guy is salty and not happy with our success." "I'M DISOWNING YOU ALL, EVEN HIM" "oh hey it's midnight" "you can't cheat the champion of cheating" "you cheated and I shall cheat harder" "I'd hope that I'd at least be captured by honorable idiots" "NO DUMBO RIDES. ONLY JUSTICE." "you and I are on separate wavelengths than" "OKAY STRICTLY UPDATE THEY ARE NOW PLAYING WAKE ME UP INSIDE WHATS HAPPENING" "don't meme shame me bro" "Your memes are stale, and you are stale" "lol what is romantic human interaction" "what is human interaction" "what is interaction" "What is human" "this is the worst thing I have ever created and I will burn for this" "I look at him directly and said fuck you" "I gotta go eat dinner y'all are fucking insane" "I WILL RUN EXPERIMENTS IN THE BASEMENT WHO'S WITH ME??" "Do you have any redeeming qualities" "c'mon skype lemme transer sewing via you...." "are you kidding, this is better than all the tv shows I'm behind on" "MURDER ROADTRIP" "Rosaceae are refuscent, Violas are cerulean, Cane crystals are saccharine, homogeneous to you" "WE ARE THE BEST GROUPIES" "shes not even here, she chickened out of the fight" "Tfw your brain is memes" "Twf yer also an adult" "Yup. Exactly Sad O'Clock" "So sad o'clock is midnight o fifty, got it"

#RP Starters

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cinnaminsvga · 4 years

Note

In the past I've asked for how your characters would react to their counterparts across your smaus. It's time for the new version: Who would win in a fight if you put your characters against their smau counterparts (so all Y/Ns against each other, all Yoongis against each other and so on)??? You can choose to include/exclude whoever you want and take as long as you want in replying or even choose not to lol

HAJDHAJSD THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER IM SORRY but i do get super excited whenever you send me one of these, so i wanna get this right!! i think i’m only gonna include the last three smaus (tddup, 300mdh, lib) bc i dont think i could even handle imagining what it would be like to have six seokjins... that’s some forbidden knowledge right there 😳

seokjin - jfc where do i even begin... for all my old followers, yall know that i just love writing seokjin as unhinged and chaotic as possible so you can only guess how terrible it would be if three of him were to fight. ok tbh 300mdh!jin would definitely win bc?? hes a fucking spy?? but i could somehow see tddup!jin finding a way to fight back,,, idk he could probs trick zeus!kook to help him by promising him some miku merch or smth,, LMAO and lib!jin is just there,,, smartly avoiding the conflict and streaming it on twitch or smth

yoongi - oh my boy,,, tddup!yoongi is absolutely frying lib!yoongi’s ass for not confessing his feelings HDKWJDKWK as hades, he’s probs gone thru his own fair share of heartbreaks (haha OOP spoiler alert for a prequel series maybe??) and he’d honestly be so so sad for lib!yoongi but also just frustrated?? he’d be frustrated with 300mdh!yoongi too tbh bc that dude has repressed feelings for mr kim seokjin that he still hasnt figured out yet,,, tldr yoongi smites the other two yoongis but then comforts them afterwards inside his cavernous ass ❤️

hoseok - sorry but 300mdh!seok is winning no cap,,, tho OKAY i havent revealed yet why, but he’s actually a pretty harmless guy,,, (ignoring the fact that hes a double spy and HAS killed people in the past... uhhh) but yea he’d just pretend to be a really nice guy and get along well with the other two hoseoks,,, tddup!seok is an idiot and probs wouldnt even notice anything off about him, but lib!seok might have a gut feeling that somethings wrong,,, this is actually a really strange trio and idk how it would turn out exactly,,, definitely some sus things going on,,, lol

namjoon - well, tddup!joon is currently a turtle so you bet your ass that lib!joon is keeping him as a pet LMAOOOO my dude would unknowingly keep tddup!joon until he somehow magically returns to being a human. 300mdh!joon is a bit harder to pin down, since it all depends on whether he’s drunk or not LMAO bc if he was drunk, you’d bet your ass that he’d be a fucking dramatic/emotional mess and would wax poetic about turtle joon and lib!joon would have to comfort him. if he was sober, he’d just be a “regular” guy, or however regular a spy can be. overall, they’d hang out altogether just fine,,, like a couple of nerds,,,

jimin - well, you all know how tddup!jimin is like and that bitch is hornier than all my smau jimins combined. he’s so ferally horny that lib!jimin would probs shit himself, though i’d imagine 300mdh!jimin could maybe handle him a little better.... somewhat. they might even get along after a while, though i have a standing theory that all my smau!jimins hate each other no matter what, like that popular clique of girls you have in high school. they all pretend to be friend with each other, but they would not hesitate to stab a bitch if and when provoked. fun times!

taehyung - in contrast with jimin, i feel like all my taehyungs would have a good time together, no matter what au (okay, maybe except for looh!tae but thats a whole different story lmao). i think tddup!tae would get along super well with 300mdh!tae, mostly bc theyre both incredibly chaotic and have a kinda “go with the flow as long as we’re having fun” vibe. lib!tae is just maybe a little more “calm” than them, but he’s always down to clown. tddup!tae would probs bonk lib!tae on the head tho once he finds out about what he did to lib!oc, but other than that... i think they’d all be good buddies.

jungkook - oh boy where do i even start... i feel like tddup!kook, despite how absolutely stupid he is, he’s still... somewhat morally sound?? i guess?? like he loves his wife a lot (#1 oc simp lets get it) so he’d probs be so angry and frustrated with what lib!kook did. might even hit him with a lightning bolt if we’re being honest. 300mdh!kook would agree and beat the shit out of lib!kook, and then he’d bond with zeus!kook over weeb shit and they’d become the best bros ever. but then zeus!kook will say some,,, weird kinky shit and break the mood so then 300mdh!kook + tddup!oc will have to tie him up so he never speaks again,,, they’d certainly be a very wild trio,,, maybe even worse than the seokjins and that’s saying something!!

oc - OHHH MY GOD like fr but tddup!oc is gonna baby lib!oc so much you have no idea ;-; she’ll see how badly her heart got broken by her version of jungkook and probs offer to kill lib!kook, but sweet lib!oc would protect him even after all she’s been thru,,, i see tddup!oc as being a great older sister figure for lib!oc and tbh i stan!! and uhh... we all know how 300mdh!oc is... she’s also an older sister figure, but demented and insane. okay, so she’s maybe more like your crazy aunt that smokes too much crack but you know what? you cant hate her so shes just kinda there and sometimes she’ll say something super profound and is genuinely a loving person (deep deep down... like you have dig deep lol) but otherwise yea!! all the love for my ocs,,, they’re my babies and i love them so so much :-((((

#textau4 #textau5 #textau6 #AHSJDKJSKDJAS these are always fun i love em #best #runningtospringday #answered

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ladykeane · 4 years

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Bertie and Reg dress up for Halloween at Dahlia's!! and the party!!!

To the lovely Nonny who sent this, I profusely apologise if you’re not the massive weeb/animation geek that I am. But this idea stuck, and I couldn’t help myself!

Fair warning, it’s quite silly, most definitely cracky, and completely self indulgent…

There was a lesson given to me by my drama teacher at school, Mrs Irving, that has always stayed with me. The gist of her teaching was that a good actor must have a sort of dual consciousness. I suppose what she meant was that a chap should have the power to transform his mindset into that of the character he plays - and then just as easily slip back into his usual mental space, once the curtain falls. There must co-exist a Bertie-the-Wooster and Bertie-the-Prince-Hal within a single animal. Well, I suppose I have put this lesson to good use in my adult life, as I can attest that Bertie-the-Drone, Bertie-the-obedient-nephew and Bertie-the-seducer-of-certain-Jeeveses manage to be conjured at the drop of a whatsit.

A particularly surprising example of this dual consciousness wheeze occurred just recently, on the night of Aunt Dahlia’s annual Halloween bash. I suppose the lifted veil to the spirit world aided this shift of the Wooster disposish. (Well, the costume probably helped too, not to mention my dear auntie’s insistence that her party guests never drop out of character for the whole of the evening. That can make certain things a tad awkward, such as bathroom ablutions. One must ask: does Superman use the lavatory at all?)

I was given the scoop on the event by my ancestor over the phone, as I sat digesting a fourth-or-fifth slice of Reg’s birthday cake. (This year he had requested a Black Forest, and I have to say that I outdid myself. The leftover kirsch was also a boon.)

‘Super-groups?’ I asked. ‘You mean like the Travelling Wilburys?’‘No, young clot, I mean super-groups like the Avengers, Justice League, and their lycra-clad ilk. The group with the best costumes and most convincing delivery will receive a prize from your Uncle Tom and myself.’‘Ooh! And what is that?’‘For one, a cooking lesson with Anatole. Apparently he owed Reg a favour, and your man generously donated said favour to me.’I glanced an appreciative glance at my beloved, who sat perusing the W.H. Auden anthology I had given him.‘Secondly, a near-pristine Nintendo Gamecube, complete with controllers and a collection of best-selling game cartridges.’‘You mean the one you confiscated from Angela and myself? I still think that was an unfair punishment.’‘I say, it was entirely fair! Do you forget that I got stuck with the bill to clean your old headmaster’s office!? I am told that the stench of baked beans can still be detected throughout the school halls, to this very day! Anyway, I would advise you to get cracking. The competition will be stiff, I hear Angela’s little friends have been working on their costumes since August. Perhaps you and Reg could go as Batman and Robin!’‘Perhaps, auntie.’‘Well, pip-pip then. I’ve got many a fake tombstone and skeleton to haul down from the attic.’

As I hung up, Reg raised his head from his book. ‘I believe Mrs Travers has briefed you on this year’s Halloween festivities?’‘Indeed. She’s never offered a prize for the guests before. They’re real plums, at that. I reckon it would be well worth the splurge to get some first-rate togs.’‘May I ask what this year’s theme is?’‘Super-groups. By which I mean, groups of superheroes. She suggested we go as Batman and Robin! We’re already quite the dynamic duo, anyway. What d’you think?’

As I uttered these words, the Jeevesian brow began sinking south, until the look on his face chilled the lukewarm cup of tea sitting at my elbow.‘I should say not, Bertram.’‘Oh. Well… what about Danger Mouse and Penfold? You could be DM, of course.’‘I regret that I shall be unable to attend this year’s festivities. I have much to do to complete the Earl of Rowcester’s living will.’

Of all the paper-thin excuses! ‘Oh, don’t give me that Reg! What is it? You don’t care to be in the same room as all that brightly-coloured spandex? You fared just fine at last year’s “Stranger Things” soiree, and we were surrounded by a multitude of eighties fashion, at that!’(He made quite the dashing Steve Harrington, actually. Aunt Dahlia cast this Bertram as Dustin, so while I was able to tag after him all night there was an unfortunate dearth of snogging.)‘I am afraid I must insist. I do not care to be dressed in the bright, garish apparel that is requisite of superheroes.’

Given that it was the lowly rotter’s birthday, I held on to the flames that should have escaped from my nostrils. ‘Oh, very well, Reg. Have it your way.’ To ensure that none of my internal invective against him slipped past the Wooster lips, I left the flat for a sullen trudge about Mayfair.

***

That very evening, Bingo Little summoned self and several other Drones to dinner. He was in town with his husband Randy, to look for a property where they could spend their Winters. While the reports given indicated that all was spiffy within their NYC townhouse, Randy wanted to ensure that his paramour did not lose touch with his British roots. And I think I remembered him saying that his next novel was to be set in South Kensington, inspired by the likes of Richard Curtis and Hugh Grant. All rather convenient, no?

‘That Gamecube and cooking lesson with Anatole is as good as ours, lads. I have the perfect idea for our super-group.’ Here Bingo took a long sip of tea, leaving us in a state of eye-boggling suspense.‘Christ and his disciples?’ suggested Stinker.‘The Bloomsbury Group?’ queried Boko.‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?’ asked Gussie.

‘Better,’ Bingo finally replied, a rivulet of tea dribbling down his chin. ‘Do you know “Sailor Moon”?’

‘Sparkly schoolgirl with the pigtails? Yes, I recall watching the English language version with Angela sometimes. Quite a cheesy romp, that.’‘Oh, you ought to read the original manga ,’ said Boko. ‘A perfect blend of costumed superhero action and romantic high fantasy!’

For the next half hour, we were subject to Boko and Bingo giving us a full synopsis of the dratted space opera, complete with character studies, mythological references, and feminist overtones. Now, I have known my fellow Drones to sometimes possess hidden depths, but I was unsure whether this encyclopedic grasp of a Japanese super-girl-group was more of a mild pathology instead.

‘So,’ Bingo announced, ‘I believe I’ve figured out the perfect casting for each of us. I shall be Sailor Venus, of course, the soldier of love. Randy does call me his golden love god, after all.’ (Pause here for requisite retching.) ‘Gussie can be Sailor Mercury, given his general… wateriness. Boko’s love of house plants is perfect for Sailor Jupiter. And due to his spiritual calling, Stinker will be Sailor Mars, the shrine-maiden.’

I was trying to picture each of my chums kitted out in a colour coded schoolgirl costume. Perhaps we would score points for comedic effect, if nothing else.‘And what about me?’ I asked.‘Well, you’ll be our Sailor Moon, naturally.’‘Golly! I must say, Bingo, I’m quite chuffed to be given the starring role. I assume that it’s due to my former experience with drag, not to mention my theatrical prowess and general heroic gravitas.’‘Well… I suppose. It’s also because Sailor Moon is supposed to be a ditzy blonde crybaby.’‘Ah.’The judicious nods that the others gave were a tad insulting.

‘Does this mean that I’ll have to wax? ’ asked Gussie.

***

Now, if you’ve ever seen the much-celebrated cartoon, you’ll know that one of the highlights of every episode is the spangly transformation sequences, where each heroine morphs from humdrum schoolgirl into celestial warrioress. Our first go at donning the famous fuku was much less glamorous.

Boko knew a chap who knew a lass who worked at a highly-regarded fancy dress company. Apparently, many a masquerade-goer and cosplayer has raved about their beautifully crafted goods. As we trundled our way out their HQ on the tube, we were all in high hopes of scoring the perfect outfits. As it happens, the fitting session that followed made me appreciate just how inadequate the standard sizing of womens’ apparel really is.

Bingo and I had the best luck, but the costumes closest to fitting us were narrow in the shoulders and wide in the hips. Gussie managed to squeeze into one of the larger sizes, but resembled more of a wrinkly chicken sausage than a cute superheroine. (The skirt was appallingly short on him, and when he bent over to grab his phone from his bag I was quite traumatised.) Stinker, who is built akin to a silverback gorilla, utterly utterly destroyed the costume he attempted to yank on. I offered to foot the bill for that one, as a vicar’s salary can only cover so many breakages per month.

‘It’s no good, boys,’ sighed the seamstress who had patiently assisted us, ‘you’ll need to get these custom-made.’‘And how long will that take?’ asked Bingo.She put on a brave face. ‘I’ll do my best to get them ready for Halloween, but bear in mind I’ve already got a backlog of orders to finish.’‘Chin up!’ I replied. ‘I can probably ask a favour of the drag queen who did my costuming for “Legally Blonde” - Reg cut her a sweet deal with a new agent at the time. I’ll ask if she can source the shoes and wigs and things.’

A level of relief washed on to the girl’s face at this. I’d feel the same, if I were freed from the task of cobbling a pair of Stinker Pinker-sized red pumps.‘Even so, we’ll be cutting it close with this order. I doubt I’ll be done before the morning of the 31st.’‘Send me the bill for your energy drinks,’ I offered.‘It’s a deal.’

***

Time ticked on, and All Hallows Eve drew near. While I did my best not to harbour any full-on wrath against Reg at his blowing-off of the party, I couldn’t help but act a tad pipped towards him. Were lurid leotards and shiny accessories really so horrid?When he snuggled close to me on the sofa, I scooched away. When he dropped a kiss upon my map, my only response was tight-lipped disinterest. The blighter refused to compromise, so wherefore should this Wooster succumb to his entreaties? I took a lot of cold showers that week.

The big day came, and still nary a costume was yet received.‘5pm, she said,’ Boko told me, ‘and we’ll have to go and pick them up ourselves.’‘Hm, that is cutting it close. Well, bear up, old fruits! Leather Smalls will be along this arvo to do our make-up and hair.’‘Leather Smalls?’‘Didn’t I tell you? She’s part of an all-drag M People tribute act.’

If I can impart to you the experience of tubing it across suburban London in a long blonde, pigtailed wig, a full face of makeup, and masculine civvies, accompanied by four other similarly styled blokes, you probably wouldn’t doubt my claim that it was one of the more surreal experiences in my life. Halloween is not quite the big deal here that it is across the pond, so we got quite the share of wolf whistles, disapproving auntly glares, and ‘yaaaas, queen’s from our fellow travellers.

At last, at last, we arrived at Brinkley Court, freshly finished costumes in hand. The coloured lights, costumed crowd, and strains of ‘Monster Mash’ from within indicated a party already in full swing.As we entered the front door, I grabbed for the first bowl of sweets I could find, given my lowered blood sugar.‘That’s it!? Gawd, Bertie, you could have at least made an effort!’

Angela had grabbed one of the sweets from my hand and popped it in her mouth. I wasn’t quite sure who she was supposed to be, but her costume was really quite the thing.She was caked head-to-toe in light purple body paint, with a long wig in a paler shade of the same colour. A brilliant gem was affixed to her chest, and she wielded a long double-headed whip. I did not feel inclined to backtalk her.‘So who’ve you come as?’‘One of the Crystal Gems, obvs. Anyway, you need to go easy on those. Mum says that some neighbourhood bullies have been stealing sweets from the trick-or-treating kids, and she’s promised to recompense them.’‘What!?’My blood was now boiling - what lowly cad felt the need to scam helpless rugrats out of their jelly babies and smarties?

‘Oh, it’s awful,’ said Aunt Dahlia, swiping the remaining sweets from my hand and depositing them back in their bag. ‘I just saw Captain America crying his poor little eyes out, being comforted by Bucky Barnes. A whole evening’s worth of trick-or-treating swag, stolen from them by three nasty teenagers!’‘She means Thos and Edwin,’ Angela translated.‘What teenagers?’ asked Stinker.‘Some of the nastier upperclassmen from Eton, apparently. Captain America tells me that they have a reputation for bullying even the house masters and head teachers. Great brutes.’‘Rum,’ I said. ‘But, Aunt Dahlia-’‘Who?’I took in my auntie’s costume.‘But, Catwoman, hasn’t anyone tried to pull them up for it?’‘They’ve been too wily. I was told that they also egged the Emsworths’ place, running off onto Ham Common before anyone could catch them.’‘Travesty!’ cried Boko. ‘They can’t get away with this!’‘Too right!’ I said.‘Well? You lot are supposed to be the Sailor Senshi, aren’t you? You fight for love and justice, yes?’‘Er…?’‘You must transform, and thwart the damned villains!’

The Drones and I shared a look askance. ‘Um.’‘May I remind you, Sailor Moon, of the video games and French cuisine that are up for grabs for the group who best embodies their chosen superheroes?’‘Right ho. Moon Prism Power Make Up, then!’

***

We stampeded upstairs, bottlenecking on the landing, and Stinker stumbled noisily upon the top step. Into my old bedroom, and our everyday trappings were cast off in favour of our splendid, sparkly sailor ensembles.It was a bit of a muddle - the others needed help donning their padded brassieres, not to mention adjusting their skirts to preserve modesty. But after a few fumbling minutes, we were ready to go, as resplendent a team of magical girls as Brinkley Court had ever seen.

I allowed myself an indulgent linger before the full-length mirror. I really did look cute. The big pink bow was quite flattering to my proportions, and the blue skirt and collar set off my eyes nicely.‘Come on, Sailor Moon! We’ve got a contest to win!’With a flick of my pigtails, I was off.

Bursting out of Brinkley’s front door again, we charged into the gloaming. The place looks directly out over Ham Common, and on the great stretch of lawn, it did not take us long to spot the perps.

A juvenile, quivering Wallace and Gromit were surrounded by three of the largest, most grotesque teenage boys that I’d ever beheld. Though a good decade younger than myself, they looked to be twice my height and about four times my body weight. Most ghastly of all were their choices of costume: the ringleader was dressed as Pennywise the Clown, with his two lieutenants cast as Thanos and a zombie version of Napoleon Dynamite. I admit that the hint of rotten green brain showing through his blonde afro was an impressive use of make-up, but it did turn my stomach a tad.

Just before they could rip the trick-or-treat bags from the youngsters, I put a solid, heeled boot forward.‘Leave those beloved icons of childrens’ entertainment alone!’‘Hurrr,’ slurred Thanos, ‘check out the anime drag queens.’‘Wanna come party with us, girls?’ said Pennywise. ‘We got heaps of sweeties for the sweeties!’I puffed out my padded chest. ‘Never! I stand for love and justice! And… by the Code of the Woosters, I shall punish you!’

And so it began. We swooped upon them. Wallace and Gromit scarpered, and we were met with a barrage of large humbugs. When thrown with enough velocity, those things can leave a bruise.

Behind me, Gussie boldly came up bearing a large garden hose. He turned the nozzle on the head, but instead of dousing the monsters, the force of the spray was a bit too much for him, and he clung on for dear life as the hose thrashed about in his arms. He quickly went down in a self-inflicted mud puddle.

Stinker managed to plant a shiner of a right hook on Thanos. The brute staggered away, doubled over in pain. He threw off his plastic infinity gauntlet, upon which Stinker tripped magnificently, going pumps over skirt into the turf as well.

Boko fearlessly leapt upon Napoleon’s back, wrapping his noodly arms about an equally noodly neck. Napoleon bucked about like a bronco with a bad itch. Boko did his best to hang on, but the slippery satin gloves ultimately betrayed him, and the poor soul was flung off into a nearby rose bush.

The three monsters continued running from us. It was just me and Bingo now. We exchanged a silent glance of Sailor Senshi solidarity, as we pursued them towards a clump of oak trees.With a well aimed stomp, Bingo got Pennywise right in the oversized foot, with the heel of his pump. However, before I could back him up, the two lieutenants grabbed my chum and snatched his wig by its red ribbon, hurling it up into the branches of one of the trees.‘NOT MY VENUS WIG!’Abandoning the skirmish, Bingo pathetically began clambering up the branches to try and retrieve the thing. (I mean, it was a nice wig. And if it came back damaged, I would be owing Leather Smalls big time.)

And so, the beasts turned their attention to me. Three cruel grins bore down upon me like vultures on a dying wildebeeste. They looked like they could easily pummel me into a boneless mush, and not even feel it the next day. I’m not too proud to admit that I quivered in my heeled boots.‘What was that about punishing us, sweetie?’‘Let’s hang her from the branches by those stupid pigtails!’‘Yeah! And then we’ll-’

All of a sudden, something sleek and sharp came whistling through the night air. It popped Pennywise’s balloon, and struck Thanos right between the cheeks of his ample bum.‘Ow!’‘What the…’It was a fine, thin blade, attached to a deep red rose.

The four of us whipped our heads towards the source of the floral projectile. Imagine my total astonishment to perceive, perched upon a high stone wall before the radiant moon, none other than Tuxedo Mask. Gosh, he was splendid, with his billowing black cape and aura of general rakishness.‘How dare you blackguards steal from innocent children and assault these brave soldiers. Sailor Moon, I know you can defeat them.’‘But how, dash it!?’

He tossed me a bright pink plastic object. It took me a moment to discern that it was an external hard drive. It bore a little decal of one of those colourful cartoon pony characters.I looked back at the monsters, to find Pennywise agog.‘Wh… WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!?’‘Uhm…’‘Dude… is that what I think it is?’ said Napoleon.‘GIVE IT BACK!’ cried Pennywise.

Tuxedo Mask and I shared a single silent, meaningful glance, and I dropped the thing to the grass, raising my heeled boot above it, primed to smash.‘Well… I might, if you agree to apologise to every last child you terrorised, AND return their sweeties.’‘But we already ate some,’ said Thanos.‘Alright… maybe just give them a few quid, in that case. AND you’ll be cleaning the egg off Mrs Emsworth’s front stoop.’‘Anything, ANYTHING!’ begged Pennywise. ‘Please just give me back my-’‘NIGEL!!!’

A robust, sour-faced Jean Grey was stomping across the grass, her fiery gaze fixed on Pennywise.‘You have a lot of explaining to do, young man!’‘But Mum-’‘I should confiscate your little pony stories this instant!’‘No! Please…’‘Instead, you will do exactly as Sailor Moon says, and apologise to all the people whose Halloween you have ruined! You too, Cyril, Edgar! Don’t think I won’t be telling your mothers what you’ve done!’

The clown was dragged off by his ear to begin his penance, but not before he could snatch up his pink hard drive. Now that the leader had fallen, his two henchmen slunk along in his wake.

The Sailor Senshi had regrouped, and Angela, Thos, and Edwin (sorry, Amethyst, Captain America, and Bucky) had also dashed up to join us.‘You know who that was?’ said Angela, ‘Little Nigel Belfry. I went to St George’s with his big sister Diedre. Rotten little punk. One of the worst trolls in the online “My Little Pony” fandom too.’‘He bullies us all the time,’ said Thos.‘Well, dangle the name “Eulalie” in front of him. That’s his username on all the major MLP forums. Not sure he’d like that info getting out at Eton.’ Here she thumped me on the back. ‘Well done, Sailor Moon, you gave him the punishment that he sorely needed.’‘Oh, but I couldn’t have done it without…’I turned towards the stone wall. Of course, Tuxedo Mask had already biffed off. Probably to go hunt down the Silver Imperium Crystal or something.

***

Now that the drama had wound down, we finally had a chance to mingle. I got to take in the costumes of Angela’s group: Honoria was some sort of giant magenta woman with sunglasses and boxing gloves; Florence looked lovely and delicate in a gossamer tutu, and gleefully swung about a rather frightening spear; while Madeline was surprisingly dressed in drag - some charming little chap by the name of Steven, I think. The craftwork of their outfits was simply matchless, and they were clearly the ones to beat for the contest.

After Time-Warping and Thriller-ing and Caramelldansen-ing the night away, as well as quaffing some questionable looking cocktails with names like Chemical X and Radioactive Sludge, it was time to announce the winners of the costume competition.Uncle Tom (sorry, the 4th Doctor) killed the music, and tapped a fork against his glass of Chemical X to call for silence.Dahlia-or-Catwoman hopped up on the coffee table, to better survey the throng. ‘The door prize goes to Winnie the Pooh, who clearly misunderstood the assignment.’Spode-the-Pooh shuffled up to grab his bag of humbugs, and Madeline-or-Steven applauded wildly.

‘The runners-up are Wario and Waluigi, who regrettably stayed true to their despicable characters all evening!’Claude and Eustace collected their swag of Quality Street and Jack Daniels, fighting over who would get to carry them.

Angela and I exchanged a tense side eye. Could one of us really have been left out?

‘And the first prize… is a joint win, between the Crystal Gems and the Sailor Senshi! Come on down, ladies!’Well, everyone pooh-poohs nepotism until they benefit from it. Angela and I joined hands, and led our respective groups to their shared moment of glory. (And after a little bartering, we agreed to let the girls take the cooking lesson, while we scored the Gamecube. I know that Angela has long been an avid fan of Anatole’s show ‘Cuisine Inferno’.)

***

After a little more merrymaking, the music changed from novelty festive monster songs to the cheesy fodder of slow dancing. As couples began to pair off and pitch woo, a thought occurred to me: where the devil had Tuxedo Mask gone?

At the very least, I wished to thank the fellow. It was anyone’s guess as to how he had picked up on Nigel-or-Pennywise’s little secret, but he had truly been my saviour.

I squeezed through the waves of slow dancers, trying to keep my eyes peeled for a top hat or a black cape. Alas, the only capes I could spy were of bright and garish hues.

I escaped to the quiet of Brinkley’s large, rambling back yard, in the hopes of getting a little air. As I ankled along the gravelled drive in my heeled boots, I couldn’t help but let a little melancholy sink in. Despite my search for Tuxedo Mask, I well knew who I really wanted to spend this night with.I reached the fountain, ornamented by Aunt Dahlia’s favoured statue of Artemis, and plonked my sorry self down upon its edge.‘Sailor Moon… we meet again.’

He emerged from behind the shadow of the trees, and I leapt right up.‘Tuxedo Mask! Ah… I really did want to thank you for your help back there. Awful solid of you, old chap.’

He did not come closer. ‘You are most welcome. I had been charged with organising the family affairs of the Earl of Rowcester. I encountered his youngest son, who proved to possess a most malicious and scheming temperament. I felt the temporary acquisition of the lad’s most prized digital information would prove a useful bargaining chip at some juncture.’‘And right you were, Tuxedo Mask! What a bally stroke of genius you…’

He stepped forward, and removed his eyemask.

‘Bertram, I am sorry that I was so intractable about tonight.’‘Oh… Good Lord… Reg, I hoped so dearly that it was you!’

I flew to his arms. And Angela, the sneaky brat, managed to get a good number of happy snaps of Sailor Bertie and Tuxedo Reg locked in a passionate embrace.

‘Reg?’‘Yes, my moonbeam?’‘Keep the cape.’

#jeeves and wooster #bertie's blog #fanfic prompts #seriously tho this is total crack

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kireiscorner · 5 years

Text

Calling all Diamondbacks!

Its once again that time of year for us! We're gonna get the jump on it early since our hostesses have really big life changes they're handling right now at the talisto blog! I personally feel immensely blessed to see so many still or getting into TaliaxMephisto and it's really exciting! Thank you all for continuing to support the ship and for joining us in celebrating Mephisto and Talia with us!

You voted and now we'll reveal our prompts for the 2019 event! Thanks to all who sent in prompts from Instagram, discord, and more! ~♡

Day 1: Mythology - We had a lot of people asking for fantasy stuff like mermaids, fairies, Greek gods, etc, so anything mythical can be included in this category!

Day 2: Alone Together - The two doing couple-y things was very popular as well, such as doing their makeup or hair, helping each other get dressed, mystery dates, and more. This prompt is for showing the two spending quality time doing something you'd like!

Day 3: Dance with Me - This prompt can be based on any type of dance; prom, first dance, play dancing with kids, performing, even breakdance aus! Show us your moves!

Day 4: Maid Cafe! This one was a prompt that kept losing out over the years that we all deep down wanted to do! Let's get our weeb on!

Day 5: Spoof a kdrama or classic anime scene in this next prompt! You can do a scene redraw or just dress them up! Make edits or AMVs to songs or voice overs! Its whatever you'd like!

Day 6: Famous Era in History; draw them in any famous historical era of your choosing!

Day 7: Last but not least, let's finish off our summer vacation by sending these love birds on a Vacation! It's what they deserve! It can be any season, as long as they get to travel from Sunny Bay and do fun stuff together! It can even be on Ephedia, but cannot be their own kingdom.

These prompts are of course optional, and if you want to create something talisto that's unrelated to them, feel free to! We'd all love to see it! Celebrate in a way that makes you comfortable! ♡♡♡

Talisto Week will officially begin on August 5th and end on August 11th, 2019. We ask that everyone try to wait until those dates to start sharing!

Now, onto the rules...

This is for the ship of Talia and Mephisto from LoliRock; do not throw in crossover ships of characters of the same name.

This is not for ot3s; please keep it solely Talia and Mephisto as a pair.

Do not tag, post, or create anything condoning hateful speech, anti-rhetoric, or bullying. Seriously, don’t be gross. You will be blocked from the page if we find out you're spreading hate to other people or ships.

Please tag it as #talistoweek19 or #talisto; if you solely tag it as lolirock we might miss it! Everything will be reblogged to @ask-talisto and @lolirockappreciationcalendar during the week; if we miss you, feel free to contact us with a link; once August is over we will stop sharing on the calendar blog, but we can still share it on the talisto blog.

Do not steal the work of others and use it as your own. We’re trying to create new content, not recycle old ones. This includes edits from AMVs. If you use bases, please give credit to the creator of those bases or link to where you found it.

You don’t have to do art; you can do AMVs, fics, edits, gifs, playlists, etc.

Tag pieces properly so it doesn’t appear in the main tag for those who have their safety lock on or if it could possibly be considered overly violent; I don’t think we’d have anything so drastic, but just to be safe in case anyone’s feeling edgy!

If you have any questions, please send them to me personally.

You don’t have to participate in every day! Just do your best and have fun!

That's pretty much the basic run down! I'll be sharing stuff to my instastory too so if you'd like to have it shared there or on the amino, please let me know or say so in your post! :)

I'm so excited to see what comes next!

♡ Happy creating! ♡

- kirei

#lolirock #talisto #mephisto #talia princess of xeris #fanart #talia #otp #talisto week

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sallyface-incorrect · 5 years

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The Struggles of Having ADHD

- Only Being able to sleep either 2 hours or 16, there’s no in between. I am legit typing this at 3:02 am because I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept that much and it sucks. Summer is for sleeping, not for stress.

- Not being able to remember basic information about someone like their name, but being able to remember that they once told you that their great great aunt had a mole on her foot the shape of Texas. True story btw, sorry Amber.

- Feeling like your being rejected if your friend can’t make it to hang out with you because of family reasons. RSD is a bitch. Like the tiniest thing can make you feel rejected. Ie, your mom telling you not to be so loud, someone asking why your sneezes are so loud, someone asking you to return their pen, etc.

- Having your medication ware off/forgetting to take it and being the most annoying bitch in the galaxy. I once went on a school trip and my meds wore off and I ended up spending the 2 hour bus ride back annoying the guy who was trying to sleep in front of me, again, I am so sorry Max.

- IDK if it’s just me but, chewing on literally everything. Bottle caps, paper, fabric, rubber (my favorite), and much more. I used to get punished all the time for chewing on things I wasn’t supposed to. Nail biting is also a big thing. And so is hair chewing.

- Being told “You’re too smart to have ADHD”. Well Susan, I have a neurological devolpmental disorder, I’m not retarded.

- Either giving too much information or not enough when in conversation, and also bringing up really irrelevant things in the conversation like, I know we’re talking about the Louisiana Perchance but can I tell you about this one time it rained and I saw a snail?

- Being botherd by loud and/or repetitive noises. Pen clicking and high pitched sirens make me want to scream. They suckkk harder then Travis wants to suck Sal’s dick. And the worse is when people think you’re weird or that you have a problem with them for asking. I understand you like to click your pen and I’m so sorry it’s just so loud...

- Being afraid of your friends rejecting you. Again, RSD is a bitch. Like you’re afraid that one day your bestie will get up and leave and never come back and it’s all your fault and you suck and ughhhhhh. You’re also afraid their s/o / parents hate you and one day they’ll convince them to just leave you.

- Medication is a godsend but it’s also problematic. The stuff that I take fucks up my sleep schedule, my appetite, and make me tired and nauseous. It also gives me headaches and belly aches :(

- Either being so hungry that you also eat everything in your fridge or being so not hungry that even the concept of food disgust you. And sometimes, you even throw up because food is so gross and you’re gross and all that gross is inside you and eww.

- Intense, powerful migraines. They get worse in the winter months. Last year I took almost a week off of school because my migraines got worse and worse and worse and I couldn’t do it.

- Having no measurement of personal space or how to physically interact with someone. I just said hi, do I hug you, do I high five you, idk? Like idk how many potential friendships I’ve fucked up because I was too handsey.

- Being really particular about the type of clothing I wear. I love LOVE long sleeve shirts/ sweatshirts/ sweaters/ hoodies and shorts. I also love to wear socks around the house. I hate HATE wearing socks with shoes though, it makes me anxious. I also hate wearing certain types of pants. I literally only have 2 - 3 pairs of pants I’ll wear because pants sometimes feel like a tent and I hate that.

- Not being able to loose weight. I’m not fat, or chubby, I mean I have abs for God’s sake! It’s just that I have thick ass thigh I h a t e and I wish I could just get rid of them but my medication prevents me from loosing all that weight. On the bright side, I can eat a lot and not gain weight either.

- Having certain little routines you can’t skip. For example, every morning I must shave my legs and brush my hair or the world will end. I also must have all the doors and windows closed or else I’m gonna scream.

- Also idk if this is a problem for anyone else but doors and windows being open. I can’t stand it, I mean please, I don’t care that you’re just coming up for 1 thing but p l e a s e for the love of g o d, close the door that leads to upstairs. Having it open just isn’t right.

- Hyperfixiating on something for soo long that you forget to do basic hygiene like shower, use the bathroom, brush your hair, brush your teeth. It can get you in really big trouble but at least the job is done.

- Having a comfort item. Like I have this stuffed lamb whose name is “Lambchop” but I call “Lambie” and I sleep with them each and every night and carry them around the house with me when I’m home and if I’m upset I NEED to cuddle them bacuse it’s the only thing that will make the world go away.

- Being insanely good at certain academics and shitty at others. For example, when I was in 5th grade I was reading at an undergrad level and had the ability to understand science concepts a senior would be learning but my math was at the level of a second graders.

- Idk how to describe it but like, doing movements half way and the forgetting about them. Like this one time I was at a piano recital and I went to reach for something and forgot what I was reaching for so I just kinda held my hand up in a grabbing motion for half a song and then forgot about it until my mom reminded me to put it down.

- Not being able to understand that people don’t want to hear about your hyperfixiation. I’ve had 2 cases of this in my life, my “ghosts are definitely really and now this is my only personality triat” and my “I’m not a weeb but Tokyo Ghoul is so good now let me tell you all about the plot.” (Tokyo Ghoul gang REPRESENT)

- Having 3 different moods, hyperactive, normal, and cold. Like you’re normal most of the time but sometimes you’re sooo hyper that your an entirely different person, or sometimes you’re sooo distant you’re a different person too.

- Not being able to identify your emotions very well. Like, this guy just told me that my dad and my bestie are asshole who deserve to die in a fire, what am I feeling? Am I sad? Angry? Scared? Do I think this is funny? Am I gonna laugh? Cry? Idk, throw hands? Or the dreaded crush. Do I have feelings for this person or do I just want to be really good friends? Do I hate them? Love them? Am I gonna cry the next time I see them? Last time we hung out was fun but idk???

- Also like I mentioned, romance/sexuality is hard. Last time I dated I dated this guy I really liked, or at least I thought I did. We dated for three months before I blew it off because he asked to put his arm around me and it was weird when I said yes. Also sexuality. Idk if this is a problem for anyone else or just my bisexual ass. Like it’s so hard and I really like guys but hey, girls are hot. And like I like guys more than girls?? Sometime it makes me feel really fake.

- Really enhanced weird hearing. I know at least 80% of my classes drama because I have superhearing and I’m a literal hearing god bow down, bitch. I can hear the smallest of sounds and such, but for some goddamn reason I can’t understand how loud I’m being.

- Extestensial nihilism and just being cool about it. Like, dude, idk if there’s a god out there? I’d like to think there’s some sort of Devine power and we have a purpose but idk, we probably don’t have a purpose. I mean, we’ll be forgotten after we die anyway unless we’re Tom Holland. And love probably doesn’t exist either and it’s only stigmatized by movies and books and media and we’re all gonna get married and be miserable for ever and such. But like does it really even matter? In the end we’re all alone so go off I guess.

- Being really sensitive to smell. Certain smells drive me through the roof. For example, I have an extreme fish allergy and even smelling the slightest hint a salmon can give me a migraine so intense I think I’m dying. Or essential oils. Ughh I hate those. They send me through the roof.

- Being able to remember something you heard in a YouTube video you watched back when you were nine but not being able to remember when you birthday is some days because it really be like that.

- Being really good with little kids. Idk if everyone is like this but I am very childish myself and little kids love me. I have at least 3 little boys in 1st - 3rd grade who think I’m their girlfriend and 8 little girls in kindergarten - 5th grade who think I’m their big sister, it’s really sweet.

- Always apologizing is a big thing for me. When I was a child I used to get in trouble for saying sorry when I did anything and that carried to teen hood. Last year at my dance class my teacher noticed this and tried to help me break my habit god bless you Christine.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk bois. ADHD sucks but I know you can do it👌🏻

#aaa i know this doesn’t fit this blog’s aesthetic #i just felt like making it #sorry guys #not a quote #adhd #add #adhd rsd #adhd inattentive #adhd awareness #tw mental health #mental health

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ayyoitsalex · 4 years

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Chapter 7 - Pour Me One

Every now and again my friends and siblings get together, not for any particular occasion but to let it all hang out. More specifically we just trade stories that make us laugh and moreso because we're usually drunk when we're telling them. So when we all have time to get together the drinks come out and guts will be spilled. We just like to spill tea on people we know. It's a bad habit, but I can't help to indulge on a bit of shit talking every now and again. =Saturday- Sam and I dropped the kids off with my parents, Natalie and Wes dropped their kids off with his parents, and Nathan and Sophia paid Elizabeth to babysit Daisy. We gathered at our house, and I ran down the checklist of everyone's preferred drink of choice. That meant four bottles of wine and a case of beer. I poured Sam and I a glass of wine. The first of our guests arrived, Nathan and Sophia. "So what type of stuff we sippin on this time?" Sophia smiled rubbing her hands together eager. "Well we got this wine down at a tasting a few weeks ago and I think you might enjoy." I offered her a sip from my glass. Her eyes widened. "Babe pour me one of these!" Nathan nodded as he made his way to the kitchen. He returned with the wine glass in one hand and beer in another. They clinked their drinks and began the night. Sam being an over achiever that she is walked into the room with a full spread of snacks, setting them on the coffee table. This followed by another arrival of both Natalie and Alijah with their significant others. Unlike Nathan and Sophia, these guests brought food to share with the group. Though we don't hold it against them since they were nice enough to have us at their house last weekend for dinner. We all sat around getting settled in at first getting in our first few drinks and bits of food until things began to settle down in the couches. "So who's got a good one?" Nathan laughed sitting back with his arm around Sophia. I could tell Nathan's lips were a little looser than normal from the two empty beers in front of him. Sam and I both looked at each other. "Well the other day..Charly ate a rock." I cringed just saying it. Natalie clearly couldn't take what I just said almost spraying all of us with a wine mist. "WAIT WHAT. LIKE A ROCK ROCK." Natalie was dying laughing at the thought. I nodded my head slightly ashamed. "Yeah so she was running around the backyard while I was playing with the boys and I guess when I wasn't looking put one in her mouth." "Then I looked over at Selena and was like I think there's something in her mouth. When we finally got to her we looked around in her mouth hoping it was just like on the side of her cheek. But nope.." Sam sighed finishing the story. "We asked her and she nodded." "did you y'know ever find it?" Sophia asked slowly. We both nodded and a collective sigh of relief was shared from all of them. "...YOUR KID ATE A ROCK" Natalie continued to laugh, clutching her sides. "Someone else go." I rolled my eyes at Natalie continuing to laugh hysterically. We stopped for a brief moment to refill drinks and indulge on pizza and wings that Sam ordered. It's not a pretty sight to be eating and have a sudden laugh come on and projectile food. My walls have enough markings on them already from Charly attempting to draw on them. We're trying to minimize the mess as best we can. Normally we're not eating as much junk as we are right now, but like I've been taught it's nice to TREAT YO SELF. Besides I'm sure my parents are loading up the kids with all types of stuff we normally don't do. "Who's next?" Sam asked falling back into her seat with me. "Well..Daisy walked in on us last week.." Nathan said slowly. "OH MY GOD THAT POOR GIRL." Sam gasped. "NO WONDER SHE DIDNT PLAY GREAT IN THAT TOURNAMENT!" "Shut up! She didn't see anything!" Nathan said. "Why is it that small now?" Alijah laughed. "Sophia! What did you do to this man!?" "OH FUCK OFF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT." Nathan folded his arms. "I don't know why we do this!" "Cause it's supposed to be fun." Natalie shrugged her shoulders. "Alright fine then you tell a story!" Nathan said tossing a throw pillow at Natalie. Ah it's like the old days. Sam and I were just glad to be out of the way until it was our turn to share again. Natalie was reluctant to share since in her mind she doesn't do anything embarrassing and she's perfect. So we turned to Wes. "Oh I got one." Wes smirked looking at Natalie. Her eyes grew big unsure of what Wes was about to divulge. We knew something was up. We leaned in anticipating something good. "So as we all know Natalie's very fond of her celebrity crushes and I pay them no mind. Though lately she's very into a particular app and rediscovered her love of anime." "NO NO STOP!" Natalie covered her face with the pillow. "YOU'RE ON TIKTOK!" Sophia exclaimed. Natalie's face began turning red. We got her. "Oh my god do you have any saved!?" "OH TRUST. She sends me all this nonsense before posting." We all huddled around Wes' phone and text exchange he had with Natalie as he played a video with a character I had never seen before. "YOU'RE THIRSTY FOR THIS BIRD MAN!?" We all burst out laughing falling back into our chairs. "HE IS SO FINE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!" "Clearly!" We all said together. "Oh lord you're ridiculous Natalie Brianna." I laughed clutching Sam. "Whatever you're all just haters!" Natalie huffed. "Can't belive you sold me out like that!" She smacked Wes in the leg. "You're supposed to be on my team!" "Well it's supposed to be fun remember?" Nathan said mockingly. Natalie was fuming. She sipped hard on her glass of wine before finally settling back down. "You fucking weeb." I could feel the heat of Natalie's glare from my comment, but I stood by it. "It's fine I accept you Nattie. I did say for better or worse when we got married." Wes put his arm around Natalie comforting her a little. Natalie back handed Wes at the latter comment, then she stuck her tongue out at us. The redness in her cheeks slowly going away.

We took a moment to catch our breath and massage our cheeks from all the laughing. It's only every so often that we get like this and it's some of my favorite times. Don't get me wrong I love having my kiddos around, but sometimes it's fun for all of us to just be us again. Everyone decided to leave around eight, and my parents dropped the kids off a little bit after everyone had left. -Knock knock- The boys stood at the door with my parents, my mom holding a sleeping Charly. "Thanks again for watching the kids. Were they easy tonight?" I asked slowly taking Charly from my mom. "No they were fine, but someone clearly had fun tonight." Mom smiled looking around the living room at the empty pizza boxes and bottles of alcohol. I tried to come up with a quick response. "Good to blow off steam every once in a while." "Yeah definitely well needed. Did you and dad need a lot of these kinds of nights?" They both nodded. "What! No way where'd we go cause I dont remember being at anyones houses like I do with the kids." "No it was right after you were born, you were such a pain in the ass mom and I needed drinks all the time." Dad laughed. "When Natalie and Nathan were born we had to stop cause we'd be alcoholics if we didn't." I gave them both a deadpan look. "Ha ha." "Alright boys say thank you to grandma and grandpa." Sam said leading them up the stairs. "Thank youuu!" They shouted racing one another. "Good night Sel." They hugged me both as I continued to cradle Charly. I locked the door behind them and got the kids to bed.

#book

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mortallyclassypizza · 4 years

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Hey its time for my yearly Things That Made Me Happy This Year post

Just a thing I do to highlight the good that happened in the year rather than the bad. Send it off on a high note. Lets get going.

- @chibiwhitemage just like in general, amazing and amazingly cute gf, overall the best and I love her

- specifically, when she came to visit for a month in the summer. It was the best of times

- still going strong at work, even got some compliments on it

- still going strong on medication and therapy

- saw a nutricionist, and he was super understanding and wanting to help me improve on my habits rather than force a standard of health on me

- Im slowly getting back into cooking, which feels good

- Came out as agender. I guess I never posted about that here, but yeah. The Pizza does not fit into a binary.

- Started Dming a gooddamn d&d campaign. We're only one session in, but next session is saturday! ....oh god next session is saturday oh no

- thought of myself as good looking. Its a work in progress but its a victory

- Successfully got Iris into JoJo and watched the whole damn thing with her except for Golden Wind and fuck I cant wait golden wind is so good

- Watched many other animes that were great. Castlevania is stylish as fuck and I need to start season 2. Kaguya-Sama was the most hilarious shit Ive seen. Erased is looking like it will fuck me up, no spoilers tho im not that far into it. Log Horizon season 3 when.

- Non weeb shit like Golden Girls and American Vandal AND THE GOOD PLACE AND A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS HOLY SHIT THAT WAS GOOD STUFF

Anyway, I hope that 2020 brings a lot more of these, for me and you both. Have yourself a good year 🎉 and dont you dare go hollow

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gvaf-radio-blog · 5 years

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I'm in an open relationship with coffee and mental trauma

I’m hunkered down inside my favorite coffee shop in Southeast Portland having a cup of black liquid love to recharge my body and mind due to me having to dodge a blitzkrieg from the flying commie bastards. The Cupids are a unique kind of chaos as they are technically survivors of a horrific nuclear accident that irradiated an entire Provence. You know the one I’m talking about, y’all won't stop posting screen-caps of the damn thing on tumblr clogging up my steady feed of nihilism and satanic teddy bears. These cupids where re-homed to Portland because the social worker was from Los Angeles and since it works for them and another hundred thousand overpaid yuppies they thought Southeast would be perfect for the bastards to rehab. So the main problem with this (other than rising rent costs) is that their brains got rewired and now do everything hell-bent for leather. So where I get involved with the soviet love bastards is that they got dropped into my neighborhood and there is a sense that they have of loneliness and urgency for love that attracts them to a person and to help them scratch that itch. The problem is that sense is corrupted and given a slightly sadistic bent and they have started matchmaking and sending people that I am comically ill-suited for or in some cases homicidal, Cat eared woman would be an example. Love is a battlefield, I’m a veteran of this war and I got tired of pulling heart arrows out of my ass so we’ve been fighting ever since but today is going to be a major encounter.You see I have a date in one hour and they started to fly around in attack formation as soon as I left the house firing toxic love arrows at me trying to get me to return to past modus operandi and self-sabotage this relationship that hasn’t even started yet. I dodge an arrow called “new love energy” and panic at might bit at how close it came to hitting me. They can’t get into the coffee shop, the smell of burnt bagels and french roast causes them to enter a seizure state that takes days to recover from, honestly french roast has that effect on most people but are too tired to give a fuck and just assume the annoying anaphylactic shock is just a morning caffeine detox. I already thinned the ranks a bit by blowing up a fully automatic bow, this monstrosity looks like a mad man combined a Roman ballista and church pipe organ that can fire arrows like the President throws out lies and is painted pink and violet with both Greek and Russian equivalents for “love is a wet prophylactic”. I had left my own bows hanging at home since I was heading for a date and we agreed on melee combat for this round so I armed myself with only a bokken. I couldn’t reach the artillery positioned on the house across from me I had to do something and that something set the bastards to full rage mode. I took a bag of cans and bottles from the recycling bin shook it good and violently like I did last night before bed while reading the new Warren Ellis comic and threw the bag at the little winged artillery battery. There was a moment of confusion and I might have heard the Russian equivalent to “what the fuck” but then from all over 82nd Ave tweekers arose from under their rocks smelling of steel reserve and four dollar cigarettes and converged on the Cupids moaning about spare change and smokes. I felt bad about doing that but I was left with no choice! the Eros tribunal might clear me due to the circumstances or as a penance, they might require me to date a vanilla person who thinks beige is a proper color for everything and fucking lights on in doggy is kinky with “ow” being a safe word. Wouldn’t be the first time but I’d rather join a monastery than do it again, I can only hear so many Cake songs before my psychotic side goes into Hulk mode.Between the Cupids dive-bombing the windows like some kind of Russian kamikaze toddler pilots and rattling the hipsters enough that they had to go get a vegan vodka shot and this little crotch goblin bouncing around and getting into people’s faces, I'm thinking about how this date is going to affect my partner and I’s relationship. I’m also wondering how my date’s spouse is going to handle things if we hit it off. Polyamory on paper sounds like a plot to a high production value hardcore porno but the truth is (mostly) different. You have to navigate multiple schedules, expectations, and multiple people's emotions and try to figure out how to get what you need without hiding pain, jealousy, and your own fears. Being poly also means being on the outskirts of society in away, there is a sense of resentment and fear from others that don’t get it but not nearly as the violent oppression that us in the LGBTQA+ have had to duck for a few hundred years.My partner and I don’t tell others that we are dating since there is a fear of them being disowned, I tell my family the type of relationships I have because they really can’t take anything away from me since I lost the ability to care about their thoughts on my life. I’m not completely happy with this situation where I feel like a secret but it’s not just my life it’s my partner and their spouse’s lives that would be effected. I’m not saying that everyone in a poly or open relationship should go out with a megaphone and belt out a manifesto of why they decided to break their minds with more than one neurotic trauma victim at a time or telling what happened when you tell a lovers wife that you pegged their husband with a strap on because the wife refused because she felt it was icky and has a lube phobia. What I am saying is that those of us in relationships should start a conversation about non monogamy with our partners and maybe others so we can hear their thoughts and help root out our own.It’s not Polygamy, lets get that one out of the way because I talked with a lot of very intelligent people (and at least one military mandated lobotomy survivor) and they all have said “Oh like the thing Mormons do?” No, more love, openness, and freedom less magic boxers and misogyny. With poly all relationships there are going to have vastly different dynamic from person to person where Bob and Tim are more open and each can have a person to have casual relationships with and sometimes they both have that dynamic with another person. Karen and Jess now are in several relationships that run casual, serious and potential for a marriage. Stacy, Jim, and Jared are in a closed trifecta where Jim and Jared being straight and not with each other they only have relationships with Stacy who only wants to have a relationship with Jim and Jared.Honestly the only thing that all these relationships have in common is communication and the bad poly relationships are non communicative, half truths, full lies, or worse one sided. I've heard the stories where on person would be dating (fucking) someone new every month but their partner was told to be monogamous and not date outside or they would be dumped, to add to this they lived together and the other partner can’t afford to live on their own. So basically one person was a Controlling , cheating waste of mommy and daddies quicky and the other was borderline being mentally and emotionally abused. Predators and halfwits will be part of every aspect of life and will find a way to manipulate or destroy said aspects of life given enough time and opportunity.Nothing is Idiot proof, nothing is safe so get your life set up how you want it and be prepared to guard this fortress against predators. When (not if) the halfwit comes stumbling in like a newborn colt on ice and manages to destroys your life because the dumb fuck is trying to help or by removing the wrong brick in the wall because it was shiny and it’s now their favorite red rock thingy, you better have a plan B to rebuild. The good news is that you now have enough bricks laying on the ground to stone the halfwit to death, I’m a silver lining kinda guy.The Little crotch goblin in the shop is now skipping to a fro all while chanting what I think I recognized as the ritual to raise an evil elder thing that resembles a puppet from some children's program and then banging their fucking little fist on bookshelves. I’ve ordered a hot chocolate for the little bastard and added a bit of full spectrum oil so the crotch goblin will either soon enter torpor or start seeing a god in whatever app the frazzled parent downloaded and handed off to the kid to try and quite the goblin down. I can write now without the music blasting through my headphones being drowned out but I did check to see how the goblin is doing, they passed out on a couch, maybe pissed themselves or just spilled water on the floor hard to say . My date shows up and we talk about ourselves or I talk too much and have to stop myself to ask them a question, after both realizing that the online interaction , attraction, and communication is also very present in a real life situation we agree it was time for the duel . We meet via social media site that specializes in the way of the Gaijin and us weebs must prove our saiyan power rankings so we walk outside and I unravel the sacred condom of holy audience and stop the Cupids dive bombing us while each and every one of these sawed off Kalashnikovs are humming “rock you like a hurricane”. The cupids form a half circle around us and since the invoking of the spirit of The holy Pope Ruth Westhimer the Cupids agree to not interfere and will also leave me alone until after I get off work the next day.Later that night after coming home bloodied , bruised and then the injuries I sustained during the duel I think about the date and how good it went. Talking about our partners, wants, needs and what we can and can not provide for each other, we hold off on saying we are in a relationship, we decided we’re in a trial relationship pending approval from our respective partners. Important to remember that our other partners can be affected by what we do and the clear communication transfers (or it SHOULD) to the other partners. Poly is not easy it can be worth it or as I’ve found utterly heartbreaking at times but I’m not built to be monogamous so my options are to be lonely the rest of my life, be constrained in a monogamous relationship that I may or at least fight like hell not to cheat in or I can just be honest and say this is who I am, you can stay or go. I find a dead mouse on my front porch with a note stating they were worried I hadn’t been eating, one day I’m going to spay this cat eared woman with a soldering iron.

#bourbonsexual #gvaf #poly #writing

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