#I FEEL SO AWFUL. MY THROAT
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ouuuugh. i fear it is so over.
#i am DEFINITELY sick and going to have to call my boss and ask what da hell i do...#cuz i know i have to go somewhere and basically have them confirm im sick or not and ill have to ask if they can covid test me#my EELNESS#I FEEL SO AWFUL. MY THROAT#im so sad i hurt my leg now COVID AGAIN POSSIBLY i LIKEEE MY JOB I WANT TO KEEP GOING. MY POOR COWORKERS ITS SOO ROUGH LOSING ME
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The HRT has killed a lot of my normal everyday experience of sexuality but fortunately it has revealed a second, much much weirder sexuality underneath.
#my stuff#i need to eat an emo boy out until he screams i need to take bites out of him i need#i need to press my forehead against theirs until they can hear the overwhelming tide of my thoughts of adoration for them#i need to sit in her lap and hold her head tight against my chest with so much love that the feeling never goes away#i need to twist and mutate and change in front of them into a form more suitable for my desires and have them look upon me with love and aw#i need them to wrap the tentacles of a god beyond our realm around my throat and hug me tight and beg i be theirs forever#i want to touch them with a thousand gentle hands and whisper kind things with a thousand voices#I want mutant eyes that need not blink so i never need to look away#i am an ancient and bound angel and I WANT OUT!!!!!
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carry on, as if nothing really matters.
Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen // Remy “Thirteen” Hadley, House M.D., Last Resort and The Dig
#i am so sorry y’all this came to me while driving and i had to get it out skfjejkwms#web weaving#remy thirteen hadley#house md#hate crimes md#houseposting#thirteen house md#remy hadley#if it helps i gave myself feelings too🫠#an anya original#making this felt like getting kicked in the throat#aw damn i forgot the i in ‘i sometimes wish i’d never been born at all’ lol typos 5ever<3#v*#100#5x09#7x18#my webs
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it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.
like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.
#this post brought to you by me considering making a different vent post and stopping for fear that everyone will jump down my throat with#that same 'baby steps! self-care! if you're tired just do a little bit every day and you'll get better at it! take your life into your#own hands!' that everyone here always says. i can't kyle. i have post-exertional malaise#curseposting#salty jungle cat noises#i don't know. maybe i'd be less annoyed about this if i hadn't had to deal with a year and a half of everyone around me telling me to#Just Exercise More And You'll Feel Better when i KNEW that would make it worse. and that one awful speech therapist who was convinced that#just wasn't trying and if i tried harder i wouldn't have brain fog. (he didn't SAY that but he made it very clear anyway.)#and having to On Purpose ignore all the academic advice i was getting because it was actually making it harder for me to succeed in school.#what am i some kind of alien. am i so different to everyone else that all advice ever does more harm than good. what#this is why i have issues with trusting authority#vent#*sigh* man i wish my collection of disorders were less obscure
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just took my first dose of testosterone wheres my dick
#vark posts#exciting#it burnt the hell out of my throat just from breathin this shit in#similar to how inhaling rubbing alcohol feels#i can only imagine what it smells like#wouldve taken this 2 days ago but im pretty sure i have to take it in the morning#and with my fuckin luck i had 2 back to back before noon shifts and i didnt trust myself to make it to work on time lmao#i cant remember if ive said this before but im aiming for androgyny thats leanin more masc#im gonna be so hot its unreal#im yappin a little im just still kinda in awe that i actually fuckin got this now#with virtually barely any effort too#im winning
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it's absolutely fascinating the way minds work to me.
#i was throwing up earlier and going 'welp if that really is blood then im screwed anyway so i won't bother saying anything to anyone'#and it didn't bother me in the least. i assume it wasn't blood because if it was that amount and colour would have been a medical emergency#but it did not bother me the possibility that it was. idk what was causing that colour but i assume it wasn't blood or id probably be dead#and or having unmistakeable symptoms.#but i feel like this kind of thing should bother me! and it didn't#like it was very much could-have-been because it was also hurting like the dickens#(unsurprising; i have an awful throat at the moment)#tw ed#personal#puddleglum hours#i legit told my brother 'im gonna go shower to hopefully help my throat bc steam and all that' when i was straight up using it as an excuse#to go and throw up most of my lunch#(it hurt too bad to throw up everything so hey. call that self care.#anyway. in a way i find myself amusing.#please note i am actually fine: and also i can stop myself whenever i want.#it doesn't hurt me
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i have got to fix my sleep schedule
#if I let myself go too long I can’t fall back to sleep whenever I wake up. I get restless#can’t stop panicking about if i will get a call in the wee hours of the sunrise telling me someone else died#every time my phone rings before the sun goes down I feel a lump in my throat#it’s so awful and selfish but i don’t want to go to the funeral. i want to stay in bed and shut the world away#faye.txt
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I've been feeling awful since yesterday lmao 😭 it's like my body decided to give up on me and gave me the most awful migraines known to man
#last night was AWFUL#the headache was so bad that i was nauseous 😔#not even a painkiller lessened the headache#i went to sleep at like 9pm bc i didn't want to deal with myself anymore#i think i caught the virus that my cousin had when i went to my grandparents on Wednesday#and all the stress from the exam i had that day just completely hit me when i woke up yesterday with a sore throat and a killer headache#sigh#I'll see if today is better#i have my exam tomorrow but if i dont feel okay I'm not going bc I can't study like this#I'll go watch the lecture videos and hope for the best#fighting!!
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im gonna put together a longer post after this for my other reactions but im putting this one here separately because i think it encapsulates my thoughts on this version of simm!master and its. they don’t really capture how he antagonizes the doctor. and what i mean is he simply would not let the doctor monologue at him like he does when twelve’s going off at him and missy. like ten fucking tries So Many Times to talk at the master, and consistently, the master cuts him off, snaps out a joke about whatever serious topic the doctor wants. he just doesn’t let it get that far, you know?
the stand-out moments he does are, from what i remember, the end of last of the time lords, when he literally Can’t stop the doctor from monologuing at him because he’s become jesus through Thought Power or some shit. and then the end of time moment we all love, stone-cold brilliant, which is a complete reversal where the doctor is the one (seemingly) securely powerless. when they’re on equal footing, he simply does not let the doctor talk at him.
and like yeah, the ‘didn’t listen to a word you just said’ thing is funny but. god, i don’t know how to put it. yeah, he would have listened. that’s why he always cuts the doctor off when the doctor tries to connect on the his terms rather than the master’s. that’s why he doesn’t let him monologue at him. that’s why he’s practically shouting over the doctor to be heard first.
if that makes any goddamn sense. do his bastardness properly, moffat. he would not fucking do that.
#he wouldnt have let the doctor get a word in. thats what. and isnt that a better contrast to missy than not listening at all?#maybe a more nuanced one. you know?#you know you can either have. missy listens and the master doesn’t. or you can have missy listens and the master won’t. doesn’t want to.#does that make sense?#dw lb#dw 10x12#cannot emphasize enough that im not at all in my complaining about simm!master in this episode#saying. well one. not saying i dislike the episode. this is just a standout weakpoibt in an overall masterful finale. huh. huh. see what i#did there? anyway.#and two. it is not. im not saying ‘wah why is he being so mean :(‘ i dont want him to be nicer. i want him to be his awful little rat of a#self. just. in a way that fits. you know i feel very easily he could have Been more like the master of EoT and still done everything he doe#in this episode if you just leaned more into the horror of him realizing just how much missy has changed to appease the doctor.#drop the line where he goes ‘ugh do you have empathy now that you’re a woman?’ and replace it with something like. ‘did the doctor loan you#one of his bleeding hearts?’#i get why he’s sexist towards bill. he does that. he knows how to use human bigotry to get under someone’s skin.#but like. why is he being sexist towards herself. missy barely even recognizes herself as a woman beyond when it’s a fun bit part to play.#i guess im saying that some nuance here would be nice. he knows needling at missy about her gender wouldn’t upset her. nipping at her#behavior with the doctor would. he’s gonna go for the throat on that. not on having tits.#we did get that one bit. ‘i don’t know what you see in him.’ that works a little.#but anyway. ive said what i wanted to say.
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God, what even is my "reasons this hasn't been updated in 4 and a half months" list anymore hfkshdj
I think we're at: wrote a smut fic, got a new girlfriend, got into bg3, quit my job I had for 8 years, my dad fucking died, got Throat Bleeding Disease, got into crochet, started watching way too much anime, got into Stardew Valley again...
🤔🤔🤔🤔 things sure have been busy, huh?
#speculation nation#One of these 🎵 is not like the others 🎵#well actually 2 of them are negative. but throat bleeding disease was just awful and sucky for like 2 weeks#ONE of these was a permanent and incredibly life changing event that left me traumatized in its abruptness!#im planning on expanding on it a little bit in my end notes. the above list is what im planning for my opening notes.#i know i dont owe anyone an explanation on why it's been so long. but. idk#i just wanna be upfront about it ykno? for people who may have been worried about me and all#also i kind of snapped at someone in the comments of the most recent chapter#after they just commented 'please update' & i was like 'my dad just fucking died so sorry if im not exactly quick rn'#& i feel a little bit bad for that lol. i mean their comment Was inconsiderate. but i doubt they meant anything bad by it.#but yea idk ITNL has just happened to be spanning the hardest year of my life.#from the end of may up until now. god i really hope the Year Of Death is over now.#and i hope this is the last abrupt hiatus due to an abrupt death/trauma in my life.#at 4 months it's the longest one. but that makes sense. given. ya kno. it's my dad.#itll be my birthday chapter. and ill want to hear birthday wishes.#but i guess i just wanna be. understood and heard. i want readers to know about my pain.#i wont go too in depth and all. but i dont want to keep it a secret.#my birthday chapter and my official 'my dad died lol' chapter. what a way to go.
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guess who got covid on Christmas
#been quarantined in my room all day#I’ve been awake for less than two hours in total everything just feels awful#I keep trying to get up and then I feel all sleepy tired. fog is real.#muscle aches head ache chills sore throat. no coughing though thank goodness. I would be so miserable if I was coughing#Santa gave me a present last night. it was COVID-19.
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im crying again
trans joy is so fucking beautiful
#text post#the warmness i feel in my heart when i see trans people thriving#nothing will ever beat the pure happiness on those folks faces#the way they stare into the mirror in awe of themselves#the way t4t couples can share that happiness for one another#the way trans people empower each other#im amazed that joy like this can still exist even when the worlds at our throats#trans people are lovely#the queer community is lovely#i love being apart of it so much#i have never felt so loved#<33#waaaah#masons talking in the tags again
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Went to the dentist for the first time in 10ish years, she told me how I have 0 cavities and absolutely beautiful teeth (I know). I was planning on getting my cyst removed tomorrow, because that’s when the oral surgeon is in. IT POPPED TONIGHT WHILE I WAS EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND CHOCOLATE.
#my cyst is called a ranula#and it’s basically the salivary gland gets trauma and fills with mucous#and the dentist told me she was in awe with mine#she’s never seen one nearly as big and said she hoped that she’d be free when I had my appointment so she would be able to see the surgeon#drain it#so guess how much mucous was just in my mouth#and guess how big of a hole I have in my mouth now?#I’m still going to the appointment to make sure everything’s cleared out and I don’t need sutures but I’m so relieved#the amount of pressure I had#it went into my throat and neck and into my cheeks and ears that’s how bad it was#i feel like a new person
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Euuughhhhshfhsgxgvaghfjajkchsfeuficn...
#god i feel AWFUL what da hell my throat is so fucked i can barely talk and my chest hurts soooo bad </3#can't take antivirals bc they fuck with my meds too much 🙃#save me cough drops ...
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Getting sick as an adult and having the terrifying realization that when I would get multiple sinus infections a year from my "allergies" and my mom told me I would die if I didn't take my medicine even though I only felt mildly ill...
yeah turns out what she meant by that was not "sinus infections are very deadly" but was in fact "I will not take you to the hospital if this gets so bad that it starts to kill you and I cannot afford a dead kid on my hands"
#like not to shame people who suffer from sinus infections. like sure they suck. but under normal circumstances they should not be killing u#and neither should allergies to pollen for that matter#it was also a problem because i was pretty severely underdeveloped (still am) and my throat was genuinely so small i couldnt#swallow the pills without very bad pain and fear of choking. especially since i was unable to breathe through my nose#like taking any amount of time to swallow something when your nose is completely congested feels bad#i also couldnt handle the liquid form of dayquil that i wad given because i knew it made my siblings gag and i had awful emetophobia#anyway yeah just thinking back on the neglect as an adult really puts things into perspective#i can think of at least 10 times off the top of my head that she would have let me die without batting an eye#and idk how i survived honestly. i guess i was just fortunate because theres no way i saved myself in those scenarios#actually there was one time my sister took me to the ER (against my moms will even though she had health insurance 🙃)#but that was when my sister was an adult#i mean that same sister also did allow other shady stuff though without batting an eye so idk how grateful i should be#like she was perfectly fine with the fact that our house had no heat and i just occasionally (every day) could not be woken up#idk what kinda double standards she had going on there but yeah#i lived! yay...?#yea yay
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My immune system is just taking every single opportunity to fail me at the worst possible time...
#my glands are very swollen and my throat feels awful#so I have to power through four days at work feeling like Garbage#and then the few holudays days I have coming up will ve wasted on convalescing#love this for me#werq bitch
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