#I am in mental pain rn and it’s their fault

[mxfortunecookie]

Tw: Death I was in the middle of drawing something …practically the exact opposite of this vibe, but my playlist decided to kill me, so yeah

Basically something happened, both them died type thing

I was gonna make it a full drawing, but I kept crying, so no

version w/out the ghosts

edit: My dumbass forgot to put credits smh 🤦

credits-

Cross: Jakei95

Nightmare: Jokublog

Killer: Rahafwabas

[psychoticwillgraham]

had to get in bed early bc as soon as I tried to play online with a friend i got nauseous as fuck and ran straight to the bathroom where i proceeded to dry heave for a minute straight bc of the screen. I’ve been neglecting my physical health ever since grandma died by not eating (not doing it consciously, everything just tastes bland or has a weird aftertaste plus there’s nothing around here to get out and even if i buy the stuff i want at the store, as soon as i go to eat it, i suddenly refuse to eat it and i feel like i don’t even have to eat and only do so once i get horrible cramps from not eating all day) and overdoing the caffeine every day for a year and a half, so it’s finally catching up to me.

neglecting my physical health for this long has finally taken its toll on me and i need to try and fix it before i actually get sick enough to end up in the hospital, but i legit don’t think i can. I can’t just force myself to eat bc i already won’t eat most things due to the texture or consistency and i cant force myself to eat the few things I actually will eat. the caffeine i can fix, and it won’t take all that long to fix it, but the eating problem? I have zero fucking clue how I’m gonna fix that.

my online friend that I video chat with every day is gonna start calling me at 6:30am every day to remind me to make myself something to eat, scrambled eggs specifically bc it’s easy to cook pretty quick and is actually good for u inline pancakes and syrup, and make sure I have a snack bag packed for work days bc if I don’t eat breakfast, I won’t be able to eat again until 12:30 when we get back in from the route and rn I can’t wait that long, so tomorrow on our weekly grocery run, I’m gonna try and get stuff that’s not sugary to snack on during the route.

I’m definitely gonna be pissed off every morning with his calling for a while bc I’m very grumpy that early, but rn I need the annoyance of it. Will I bitch and moan about it every single day? oh yeah. do I absolutely have to do it otherwise I’ll get sick? unfortunately yes, I do. I’m limiting caffeine to only in the mornings at work, and it’s just gonna be tea instead of coffee (which I already do) and limit the sweet tea at lunch, so at least I’ve got a basic plan for now. actually making myself eat tho? that’s the real challenge.

[mommyghostface28]

Hey I need a little bit of advice. My bdsm partner is so possessive to the point it makes me feel controlled and like I did something wrong if I have friends I talk to outside of the time I spend with her. I get she's trying to control me but idk how to make it stop. My only knowledge of how to make it stop is to just disappear off of the social media sites she could contact me on and disappear from her life so she can't manipulate me. She wants me all to herself in an abusive way and it scares me....

I feel like it's my fault for the way she treats me...she probably misunderstood what I meant by telling her I find it lowkey sexy when a partner loves you so much they get a little possessive during sex....i certainly only meant in the way a domme says "youre all mine baby" during sex for dirtytalk or marking with hickeys etc and stated that clearly but she just isn't that way, she's the abusive manipulative type and I've attracted her and I wish I could leave this dom/sub dynamic....not her forcing me to isolate myself from the world and shaming me for talking to my friends....she gets sad and annoyed when I do and I just wanna keep crying thinking about this to type it....

She lovebombs me all the time after she hurts or upsets me...and she makes me go rougher during sex than I have told her Im able to handle. To the point it hurts but she continues and tells me im not done till she says so...and not in a sexy way but in a sexual assault (I've already called a safeword but she carries on)

I'm so sorry for venting here but as someoen who knows about domme/sub dymamics, please help....Idk what to do anymore...ibfeel trapped by them. And all she ever does is force me to show mer my naked body on camera despite me feeling uncomfy. And I was in pain today physically and felt sick, but she wasn't taking no for an answer when doing sexual stuff ... we've been together a month and I hate to think what my future will be like if I feel trapped already...

I am too scared to come forward by dms, and I realise we need to talk it through properly for advice, but I'd there any chance you can just reply publicly but inna way that keeps me anonymous? It's just I know she has my tumblr and I don't want her seeing my dms or getting suspicious of me as that'll make her angry and guilt trip me for reaching out.

All I need I guess is a public but anon reply for advice....thank you mommy...I've been one of your anons for a while but now that she has my tumblr, my dms aren't a safe space for me to ask for your support...

I feel so vulnerable rn mentally and keep feeling the need to slip into my littlespace but I don't feel at all safe around her... 😭

Love..oh my gosh :( this doesn’t sound healthy at all..this is coming from a Domme who’s possessive but definitely not like that. They sound toxic, the emotional abuse here is very apparent and I hate that they’re using bdsm as a way to execute it. A D/s dynamic does not give anyone the right to control someone like that. Isolating you from your friends, not taking no for an answer, all of it is concerning. My advice is to end things, as soon as possible. I don’t see any improvement here, they’re not a good person to engage with. I don’t feel there’s a conversation you could have with her that would change things. I’m sorry you’re going through this..they’re definitely not a good Dom(me).

If you can break things off safely, please do so. Then block them. Make it as clear as you can you want no contact whatsoever. I’m wishing you the best darling..keep my posted ❤️ be safe

[consolecadet]

big complaining. please do not give me advice on any of this unless 1) we already talk AND 2) you get my consent first

Virtually everything for me right now is in some state of "it is terrible rn but I just need to hold on for a few more weeks/months" and it just. I don't have a lot of grip strength with which to hold on rn.

My tennis elbow hurts more since I started OT, or perhaps I am just more aware of it. Either way it's really bothering me and making me sad

I recently developed eczema or something like that, because of course I did, and the second I stopped steroid cream it came back just as itchy and weepy, despite aggressive moisturizing. I cannot see a dermatologist until November but I have vague hope in the form of a different steroid cream I may try in one week

The three-day low-residue diet my dietician had me try backfired horribly after I stopped it and now I'm even more scared to eat, like, beans and/or onions

I have been having trouble accessing medical supplies that I can technically get by without but really shouldn't. Dealing with it requires making tons of phone calls and/or driving to a bunch of different pharmacies, something I have no time or energy to do rn

I'm in a BMW situation and cannot resume trying to sell it until it is resolved, though it's not a big deal because I am borrowing my sister's car and will buy it from her once I have sold the BMW

Reviewing KC's edits to Latent Defects is tiring and emotionally challenging (though I'm way less upset and dramatic about it than I thought it would be)

I keep spiraling about things like the election, genocide, and the climate

Covid cases have once again risen in my area and I am nervous about that because I've socialized a lot IRL recently and don't know if I was careful enough

I agreed to do an art project with a friend that I think will be really cool, but am worried will hurt my forearm too much and/or cause extra stress which I have little capacity for rn

I am having trouble keeping in touch with friends bc the first thing to go when I get stressed is The Ability to Message People. I also have a newish local friend who messages me a lot more than I am used to and I'm worried I'm making him feel sad and uncared for bc I am so slow to respond and don't message him first very often

KC's summer break is about to end, which means I am about to start having to get up earlier, which realistically means I am going to lose a lot of sleep while I once again struggle to adjust. Also means I'm gonna spend a lot more time driving again

The project I am managing is a MESS, we pushed the launch back, and I feel like it's my fault for 1) not knowing how to manage a project, 2) not asking for nearly enough help, and 3) being kind of mentally absent due to being itchy, in pain, and very cranky for basically the whole project. Though tbf multiple of my coworkers have been sick for chunks of it and also not able to pitch in as much as we expected. Also once we launch, then I have to help manage an online community, which, yikes

I would like a raise to offset the gigantic medical bills I seem to get stuck with every year, but I also fucked up something else at work recently, the one account I managed fired us, and worse yet I absolutely know that the company I work for is barely scraping by and cannot afford to give me a raise regardless of whether my boss wants to. I should probably look for another job but 1) I like these people 2) I have no energy or time rn and 3) much fewer companies are fully remote these days and I cannot physically handle commuting and working in an office

yeah

[lullaebies]

Helaegon prompt. Aegon tries to comfort Helaena post B&C.

Oh anon, you just gave me way too much freedom with angst and pain. Thank you - and also, ahead of time, I'm sorry. 😂 [half way through writing rn: I am REALLY REALLY sorry] TW's: mentioned body gore, child's death, lowkey mental breakdown

Aegon steps into room, his dread woven into his heavy stomps. The sounds of whimpers and sobs are heard all throughout the Keep, already a resounding dirge for what he knows expects him within. He doesn't want to believe it. He can't believe it, not unless he sees. It was our time. All was going well; all was finally changing.

Why? Why their son?

The room is so dark. The curtains were drawn, and only the last ember of their fireplace remained alight. His servants told him; Helaena is nearby catatonic, and refuses to let go of the body, nor let anyone beside it. But when he sees her, she's so still. The blood stains the floor beside her, flowing on the carpet and at the hem of her dress. She's weeping bitterly, he hears. She is holding him, Aegon realizes, as he sees little feet laying limp against her arm. "Helaena," his voice trembles. His fear is so loud, and her weeps grow quiet as she hears him. He swallows it down, but tears still pool in his eyes as he approaches. It's just half a turn on his heel, when he sees the cut-off of a neck. As if a headsman himself has come to execute his boy, for a horrible crime.

He was just my son; that was his crime. Aegon's knees grow weak, and he falls to them as it all crashes on him. He can't breathe, but he must. He reaches for the boy's lifeless hand. Helaena clutches the body closer, hyperventilating. "No." His tears cascade almost freely. Guilt ran down his being; Jaehaerys died for his crown. He wasn't even here to see, but his entire being is on fire; and Helaena, who has been ice, seems to be melting into their boy, like a mother hen trying to revive a broken egg. "We need to take him to Silent Sisters," Aegon says, ashamed, afraid, in pain. Need to send him away; even though he says as much, he doesn't want to, either. He just got him back. I just got him at all. "No," Helaena says again, as he touches the side of him. "Helaena, please!" "No!" She screams at him. "They already took his head! They took him away from me," she weeps. "No more. Please, no more.." she cries bitterly and folds over their son. Aegon has been so afraid to face her, for so many years. So scared of hurt of resentment, of hurt of rejection from the children. What wouldn't he do, to turn the wheel back, to face them in any way, but this. "No more," he says, trying to reach for her. "There'll be no more," as he affirms she cries louder, and tries to push him away, but he catches her by the shoulders. "They forced me to pick," she says. "I didn't want them dead. They forced me to pick," she trembles as she recounts. "Or they'll rape Jaehaera, or they'll-" she nearly collapses. "It didn't even matter." He brings his hands around her. "It was my fault, I couldn't protect them," Helaena finally says, and Aegon is enraged.

"No," he says, and brings his forehead against hers. It was my fault, he thinks, as their tears mesh on their cheeks. "Not you," he tells her again. "Never you." She sobs loudly when the tears fall bitterly on their son's body. "Those responsible will pay their debts," he says in his wroth. They'll die; his sister, his uncle, and their brood. He too, if need be. He too, if this be his karma. "But those will never be you." Helaena's head drops onto his shoulder, her body wracked with sobs. Holding her tight, the embers of the fire die out; and all is dead. In the realm of the Stranger, all that is known is pain and grief. And if that is the realm that is left to him, he'll take his reaper's scythe and reap what has been sowed.

[ilovemccafferty]

km gonan cry i was going through my noted app bc i was bored and its 2:55 AM and i found muiltiple paragraohs abt my manipulative ex and i feel like im going to cry because of everything.

i js need to rant abt them idrc if anyone sees this or not

I am going to blur out their name for privacy (even tho its a common name lol.) i will call them O

the first note is a message after a lot of drama the bs happened

im glad i never sent this message because it was rlly mean and ill be honest, i still stand by everything i typed but i wouldve felt so fucking bad if i sent all this.

This other note i found was me getting ready to send something into the groupchat (w/ him in it)

(tw: mentions of su!c!dal thoughts, man!pulation, ect)

some of it o rlly regret sending but rereading this note is causing me so much fuckinf anger and pain right now for this bitch. im sorta shaking rn and remembering a lot thay happened with him and how horrible he made me feel.

some of it i regret sending, like that message i highlighted in the red on the last page, "L" was someone me & O shared mutual truama woth and i feel so fucking bad for telling them that snd i really wish to undo it. While i still believe, to me, theyre worse than L, i wish i never said it to their face because i dont want to cause them the pain they caused me. (tbh i wouldnt be mad if they expirenenced all the bs they caused me but i dont want to be the one to cause or help with any mental pain of theirs, but unfortunately i have.) I also regret talking about everything they caused me the gc that they were in, because they 100% read it and probably felt like shit abt themself, wich they should, but i still feel bad for causing them that.

This last one made me cry while i was rereading it. because at the time i was not doing well mentally i made a su!c!d3 note to everyone in the gc, but his made me feel so shitty. Thankfully, i got help before i tried anything and i am doing a lot better now and i am safe.<3 i rlly love my therapist she helped me through sm of this situation. || little bit of context, G was the one he cheated on me with

I hate how i said "its not your fault at all" when almost the entire reason i wanted to d!3 was because of him.

Rereading this letter made me fucking sick. every form of physical affection i shared with him flashed through my mind and im so fucking grosses out by it. The though of once kissing him or holding his hand or anything makes me sick to my fucking stomach.

There was so much more i want to talk about but its 3:31 AM now and i am on the verge of tears and breaking down. Im also FINALLY tired after all this (barly even tired enough to sleep😭) im also starving cuz all i ate today was pasta and a tinyy bit of cheetos, i better have a whole ahh feast tmrow😼

Edit: It is 3:52AM and i went through my photos n deleted EVERY photo with O in it. i cried a bit, all of those memories hurt to think abt

[neurotypical-sonic]

I feel interested in vampire aus 👀 I'd love to hear your take

For some reason I am so self concious and embarrassed about my vampire au, be niceys to me

There's not a lot of world building behind it, like I've always wanted to write a fic where the world works differently to canon but instead of explaining it, you just dive right in with minimal explanation, and see how the veiwers interpret it. I like reading those and I think it'd be fun to try and write

The basic idea is that vampires need blood because their bodies can't produce their own. And so if they don't get it enough, that's when the blood hunger (??? craze?? idk what it's called but when they go feral) kicks in. You know how you get really intense cravings based on what your body is lacking? Like sometimes you just want to eat salt out of your hand? It's like that but with the added instinct of needed to Hunt Your Prey. And it's not just craving blood, it's also because you're actually starving, and in pain and desperate because of that, to the point where it clouds your thinking. Like how an average human would respond, but once again with the added supernatural instincts.

It takes a lot to get to that point, though. There's a difference between being hungry, not having enough fresh blood in your system so you're a little snappy, to Actually Fucking Starving. Blood craze is about your body starting to shut down so your brain starts lashing out in a desperate attempt to survive

There's a little more lore to it in my head, like how vampires function in general and like. how and why they exist, but I'm too tired to get into it rn plus it's not that important

The fic in my head is about Sonic, who is a vampire, being in that position. It's on Knuckles' pov, and Amy and Tails are there. Basically, things happened and as a result Sonic has been starved, like literally, and now they're all back and safe at (??? Tails' workshop maybe) but now they have to deal with This. None of them have been in this situation before, they don't know what to do or how to make it better. Seeing Sonic like this, in so much pain and lashing out and trying to hurt them because he can't think properly, is fucking terrifying because it's not like him at all. It's terrifying to see someone you know and love in that position, and it throws you off balance. Seeing someone whos usually so strong in such a weak and vulnerable position is gut wrenching. And they KNOW the easiest way to help, but they know that they can't do that, he'd end up killing them, so they have to do it the slower way (tails leaves to break in to a hospital and steal blood while amy and knuckles stay with sonic)

It sounds super lame now that I type it out shdjdjd. The focus is on the fact that this is a Scary Situation, not because of the fact that Sonic's a vampire, but because like fuck dude!! medical emergencies aren't fun and seeing someone you love Like That is fucking terrifying!! and Sonic's in and out of lucidity and knuckles cant figure out if he prefers it when Sonic's acting like a fucking rabid animal or when sonic is fucking terrified and shaking and depending on them to both keep him in check and comfort him. Sonic's ooc in this because that's the point. And also amy knuckles and tails trying to deal with everything that comes with a loved one trying to attack you, like you know it's not their fault but it also really scares you, and dealing with during All Of This would be. interesting to say the least.

Vivid mental image: in his desperation he ends up trying to bite himself and they have to scramble to get him to Not Do That. and they end up taping a bunch of cardboard together so he has something to bite and seeing him sitting there like that, jaw clamped down on some goddamn cardboard while he shakes and looks terrified, is so jarring, like it's something that knuckles would normally make fun of him for, the whole situation is ridiculous, sonic and his shitty new chewtoy, but it's not funny at all, it's devastating and the image is seared into his brain and he doesn't know how to deal with it

I started to write it yesterday while half asleep and god damn you can tell I was half asleep. It's not good sndndn I would like to finish it because it's such a vivid image in my head but also I'm so fucking embarrassed this is so self indulgent of me. hurt/comfort and vulnerability, yknow

[sizhui]

Hiii Angie just curious is there a common fan interpretation of any of your enstars faves you really dislike

HIIIIIII oh man. I am such a pedantic nitpicky person when it comes to enstars that I dislike basically everything anyone except for a small group of carefully chosen friends and mutuals have said about my favorite characters. It's really tragicomic how bad online fans are at reading any text that demands beyond surface-level engagement, thinking and compassion. I too am a literature major and i WILL act pretentious about this! By the way i blame the trend of editing characters over Tumblr text posts for 50%+ of fandom misconceptions and it needs to die.

I think i want to talk about izumi and Leo today, because i already talked a lot about wataei in the essay i posted a few days ago, and shunazu ....i shan't get into that mess today. So..let's start with perhaps THE most foolishly and strangely misinterpreted guy in all of enstars. Leo.

Leo, together with Mika, forms the most kinned duo in the enstars fandom, which means hundreds of poor weirdos project all kinds of things onto him to hell and back, and at the same time, strip him of all of his actually interesting and unique qualities. They do, i guess, see his two main surface level qualities - being insanely good at and obsessed with his artistry, and being very scatterbrained and erratic - and somehow their little minds have turned him into some weird dumbass that can't even lead a proper conversation. No - literally, I've read Leo centric fics where he talks like a literal seven-year-old, and can't get through two sentences without yelling ucchuu, inspiration! While Leo does have a tendency to lose his train of thought, he is like. Very verbose and observant. He is, in fact, the second character after eichi who comes to mind when i think of long, heavy monologues in enstars. I just end up being like, have you ever heard Leo talking? He uses extensive and developed metaphors, he describes his own feelings and his personal mental desolation with great insight and emotion. And above all, he is able to pinpoint the exact weakness of his conversation partners, even those he isn't intimately acquainted with, and use it against them. Like. Leo can be incredibly sharp and sober, and he can be incredibly mean with the right aim. I also wish people saw his deep anguish and suicidal ideation as more than something relatable or meme-able - because Leo's story is one of death and rebirth, of the highest and purest form of salvation and of complex relationships in which both love and hurt eternally coexist. It also bothers me that people can't seem to understand that Leo knew izumi had always loved him . He knew since very early on. But he also knew that izumi wouldn't choose him over affirming his own self importance. Which was true, and makes it all the more painful. Then there's also a fact that Leo consciously sent people into their deaths in the war, not only for izumi but also FOR MONEY AND FAME but let's not get into that rn, the point is that he's Not that innocent either. A minor thing that pisses me off is how lots of enstars fans in izuleo spaces tend to make Leo find of throwing around innuendos and sex jokes when Leo straight up says that he hates sex jokes and boys ' talks. Like he just would not say that . All in all he's not your funny depression artist 69420 man he is a tortured soul who just barely evaded eternal danmation in the hell that is being misunderstood, unseen and used by the people closest to you and reached the paradise that is, even if it's just for a moment, being lovingly embraced for all that he is.

The thing people always miss about izumi is that he is a very unreliable narrator of Leo's story. The poor dear was so shaken by the realization that his beloved idiot is more lion than lamb that he deluded himself into thinking that making him like that is HIS FAULT AND HE RUINED THE INNOCENT LEO!! even though....Leo acted consciously for himself, as we affirmed earlier. All in all, izuleo is a sad relationship of two people who both thing they corrupted the other to the bone marrow, while they're actually both trying to make the other into their perfect shape and love it. But yeah that delusional, self deprecating manipulation of the readers' expectations on Leo is partly to blame for people misinterpreting Leo too, i think. Because izumi would rather you think Leo is stupid than a bad person, and most of the "truths" you get fed about Leo are spoken through him. Oh Izumi and Leo, how wonderful and yet horrible, so much more wonderful and more horrible than people think

[angeldiaries777]

vent tw for everything

do we all just suffer from crippling inferiorty complex no matter how amazing we are and no matter how good our morals are. I'm pretty skinny smart funny kind talented young stylish self aware good at conversation charistmatic yet i still lay awake at night thinking i fucking hate everyone i fucking hate life and i fucking hate myself

maybe its the depression maybe its the fact that i am delirious rn NO ONE KNOWS ive just never fuckin had friends so ive never percieved myself not since i was a kid so ive been so confused about who i am lately and for a while. i just play this role of this girl who barely survives everyday because everything is mentally exhausting and i am permanently drained and tried despite rotting 24/7

like i know im cool i know im worthy of self love and i def have loved myself a lot for some reason the fucking monster of self doubt just wins everytime. i just want one day where i feel like i can function. im too young to be this broken. im too young to feel this stuck in life. the sad part is i would be okay with my little hermit lifestyle aswell as long as i wasn't depressed to my core and riddled with anxiety which is physically painful. this seems to be the case with a lot of mentally ill people my heart just breaks a little extra for myself because i went from childhood straight into coping with mental illness and life. i just wish i had something to give me clarity. ive mentioned before how i feel stupid and stagnant lately that was nothing but the truth. i miss learning. i miss discovering. i miss not being forced to be cynical. once you know you can't unknow. and i know so much yet so little at the same time. i literally can not do it on my own anymore but nothing and no one can make me escape thinking. i wish so badly i was the average person sometimes and not mentally ill. im anti meds/therapy for myself!!!! i just need a break though so i might finally bite the bullet though. wish it didnt come to this. none of this was my fault. the unfairness of life hurts my soul. its been so difficult seeing the things that nearly lead me to suicide contonue to be glamourized and normalized on the internet and stigmatized in real life. im so tired typing this so excuse me if its just me rambling i just so badly need an escape

[roobylavender]

I wrote this during my breakdown so I'm not actually crying rn jshshjs

Being in a desi family means no matter what I'll do for my parents, I know they will always choose my brother over me, well at least my father will. I will never get the justice I deserve as long as I live in this family. Sure, my mom tried for me but that only lasted 5 minutes at most before she gave up. Maybe she knew it will never happen so that's why. It still hurts tho. Only trying once and then never again. And instead preaching ME to not get on my brother's bad side. I really, really loathe living in this family. I loathe desi men. My parents will never raise their voice for me to my brother. They will never defend me as he continues to bully me whenever he wants to. And as I continue to type this as I cry, I know it's pointless. Tomorrow I will act like nothing happened and continue to please my father, as if I don't have this thoughts running through me everytime I talk to him. I will continue to talk to my mom as if I don't think how she will never fight for me even if I told her all of this. Because what is the point knowing it will cause a meaningless discourse in the family that will only last a few hours or a day at best and embarrassed myself. Knowing it will be me who will get lectured. And I'm not even crying because of my brother rn it's the fact knowing my parents never did, and never will fight for me. I might've forgave my brother if only my parents did something and he apologized. But they never did. Every day I loathe and love my parents. Being in a desi family sucks.

i want to apologize again for getting to this so late and while i am more than familiar with how this is unfortunately a perpetual, never-ending kind of deal, i really hope that today you’re feeling at least a little better than you were when you were typing this. i’m not sure how old you are but speaking from personal experience i really think the best outlet for any desi kid is to try to be independent as soon as possible. if your family can afford it go for an undergrad degree in a different city. keep connecting with people so your network provides you with opportunities to get out and get a job. prioritize financial stability so that you have the means to move out even if it’s into an apartment. it depends from family to family obv but sometimes there’s a point where some families will not change and you have to do what’s best for yourself and that’s okay. i think it’s easy for us to harbor a lot of guilt that we’re ungrateful if we don’t stick around and try to fix some of the baggage ourselves but what i’ve learned is that even if you want to try to fix the baggage you need to be in a mentally stable place to do so. living at home doesn’t necessarily facilitate that. and i don’t know what your thoughts on it would be personally but if from what i assume you’re a girl then i again would highly highly recommend doing whatever you can to forge financial independence for yourself. even if it means working a minimum wage job for now. i feel like in a lot of desi families there’s a tendency to look down on that sort of thing (odd, no?) but it’s really a vital developing experience all people and esp desi women should invest in. my lack of financial experience has hindered me in so many ways and kept me tied to a familial situation where i am often very unhappy. i love my parents very much but we have ideological and practical divides and we’re at a stage in life where we need our space from each other (and i imagine that’s true in your situation too) and yet i don’t have the means to execute it bc i’m still figuring my life out. it’s easier said than done obv but i think if you develop the conviction early to get your life in order and work towards creating your own space where you can control how you’re respected it will be worthwhile. the pain of your parents’ faults and inability to protect you is always going to sting and esp within desi families there’s a very deep trauma every child goes through when evaluating what their parents have or haven’t done for them. but that sting will hurt more when you’re completely at your parents’ mercy (and your brother’s, in this case). when they’re not in control anymore it will be easier to manage, and i really hope whatever your circumstances that you’re able to forge that path where your life is your own and you’re not bullied for existing within this familial structure. iA let me know if you ever want to vent again, my dms are open as well so if you want to talk more privately that’s welcome, too. love you lots 🤍

[nonclassyparty]

THE FUCKING REALISATION SHE HAD ABT HER HAVING BEEN IN YEOSANGS PLACE TWO YEARS AGO BLEW MY MIND, I SHIT YOU NOT, I GOT UP AND HAD TO PULL OUT MY PENCIL AND A PIECE OF PAPER TO MAP OUT THIS SHIT TO VISUALISE IT BECAUSE MY MIND WAS TOO OVERWHELMED AHAJSKDJ

glad to see fellow oc apologists !! like y/n bb girl *i* understand you, how abt WE get married rn 💍🧎‍♀️

and i am baffled by how everyone, her included, are siding with wooyoung instead of mingi in this parallel situation (ik she hasnt forgiven woo or anything, im talking abt the *positions* of mingi and woo in the parallel) because even though what mingi did and said was shitty af and her feelings are valid especially towards mingi not mentioning the thing at all after all this time, i still think choosing to date and be on the side of the person who has said awful things about your BEST FRIEND and never apologised for any of it is more hurtful than anything.

ofc wooyoung falling for yeosang is totally valid and like she said, it hurts like hell but you can get over it because you want the best for your best friend. but the problem isnt just wooyoung not bringing it up, he feels shitty for doing this too, but to LIE and thus hurt her when she straight up asked abt it, knowing she’s been continuously hurt by her loved ones throughout her life and woo being her only piece of family rn is insaneeeee to me. like she aint just a casual friend of yours, THATS YOUR MFKING BEST FRIEND !!

but for me, all of that is *nothing* compared to him attacking her for being broken and acting on her feelings after finding all of this out on her own, instead of being on her side apologising and being there for her when her heart breaks. like bro, we are asking the BARE MINIMUM from you woo 😭 like i get it she doesnt like the person you are dating but now is NOT the time to be protective over your partner in this situation ?? or am i even more mentally ill than i thought for seeing this whole situation this way 😭😭 ?

akjfdkghfghdfghdkfghdf waittttttttttt

okay so what you said about how she's siding with wy as well thats TEA!!!! bc it is wrong, she knows its not right (obviously since she's the one in pain rn like she knows it sucks and that wy was a little shit for that) but theres still that envious little part of her that was like "damn i wish mingi fought that hard for ME" bc deep down she's not faulting mingi for not choosing her bc she understands, she understood then and she especially understands now but she's still resenting him for it especially now after seeing wooyoung (who is like HER PERSON) fight with her just to stay with ys. its just a very human thing to do, we all want to be that someone's first choice 😭

as for the whole attacking her ordeal, WELL...let's look at it from wy's perspective a little bit. he cares about ys a lot and ys is as vulnerable and delicate as she is maybe even more than her actually. so wy's first instinct was to protect him now HEAR ME OUT... wy was obviously aware that yn would be upset by this and he was scared that ys would get the brunt of it. and also imagine ys just standing there while yn rages at him while wy is just apologizing to her, that would suck for yeosang, your partner begging to be forgiven by the person currently hurling insults at you? 😭 so wy always wanted to avoid that, he wanted to tell her on his own time at his own pace but then it happened unexpectedly and everything just went out of his control. so the moment yn even tried to be nasty towards ys, wy had to stop it and he did it by being nasty to her instead and he def fucked up with that but its a tricky situation for all of them really because wooyoung cares about both of these people. yn is his best friend but yeosang is his boyfriend and it was hard to get out of it without one of them ending up hurt😭

[beazt]

the fact that many things necessary for OTC improvement of disability and chronic illness symptoms, in their most affordable form, only come in a “one size fits all/most” size is such bullshit.

if I come across some mental energy in the near future I’ll return to this post with a whole list of brief examples of this, but in the meantime, let me share the experience that prompted this post:

I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, but my left hand has it worse. it’s progressed to a point where I brought it up to doctors again and they recommended wrist splints/braces. He gave me a referral to occupational therapy to get prescription ones but wanted me to use an over the counter version in the meantime.

I bought the ACE reversible one. It was around $20 and I am poor. I tried it out for a couple hours to make sure it was comfortable and it was, just felt a bit tight around the thumb. I wore it to sleep like I’m supposed to, and I woke up early in the morning due to severe pain in my thumb because it had been digging into my skin all around my thumb. it left a deep angry-red imprint all the way around. 14 hours later, a fainter red circle around my thumb remains, and it is very sensitive— I can’t wear the brace for even 2 minutes at a time because of it. the basal thumb joint is also sore and stiff and hurts to move it towards any extremes of its range of motion.

now it’s important to mention, most people would call my hands small. personally, I’d explain them how I explain my feet— short, but problematically thick and wide. for reference, when it comes to disposable nitrile gloves, a small would fit my hand in length, but I physically cannot force it (even though they stretch) onto my hand/fingers because of their thickness. a medium barely squeezes onto my hand but is problematically loose+long around the fingertips. I had to give up molecular bench work bc loose fingertip gloves make the precision necessary almost impossible. btw they don’t even make modified size (like short, wide, etc) nitrile gloves (at least not that I can find?)

in a short Google search I was only able to find one model of wrist brace that advertises large thumb holes. I was able to find two very short reviews of it, so I don’t really have a solid idea of if it is effective or comfortable. it is ~$30 (+ shipping), not reversible (so for me, I’d have to buy one for each hand), and it comes in a range of sizes. took a minute to find a sizing chart. don’t know what my size is bc i don’t have a measuring tape, which is more my fault than theirs tbh, but can’t drive rn so it’d be difficult to get one atm…

I also had to special-order a cane that fit my specifications a couple years ago. it’s an adjustable cane and I still had to have it modified before it arrived

anyone can need accessibility measures. not everyone can afford specialty, prescription, or custom ones. and sometimes, those options aren’t even attainable at all.

[moe-broey]

Do you ever think about Triandra grieving for the childhood she lost when she was forced to kill her father, and the emotional burden of hiding the truth from Peony? And how Triandra feels her anger towards her father will make people view her as despicable?

MAN........ I've absolutely been rotating this in my brain... I'm very much still in the early stages of parsing out How to write her, and huge props to everyone who helped me consider the broader picture too (category 5 tunnel vision incident 😓)

LIKE. ABSOLUTELY these are huge impactful things about her... I think something else I was reminded of that was really significant to look directly at was, how her lost memories also affect her mental/emotional state. And the fact that it's not just a case of repressing the memories psychologically (though, I think you could take creative liberties and explore that route on top of what happened canonically). It's Freyja who wipes Triandra's and Plumeria's memories whenever it becomes too painful for the girls or inconvenient for Freyja, as well as a way to keep them dependent on her. And like I talked a lot about the girls not being able to process what happened to them, having to grow around the pain, but I think what I completely neglected to consider was well!!! How COULD they even address it, if their memories were also being shut down and locked up within themselves.

So like... absolutely, and I have been thinking about this nonstop, I do have to reconsider A Lot in how I was approaching How To Write Triandra. She really would be starting completely from square one. Which, I think that aspect went over my head a bit cause personally, I'm so far beyond that point? And I think, because of that, I was REALLY struggling to even place where to start when attempting to capture her, haha. I think maybe I was ten steps ahead of where I really should be starting!

LIKE!! Before I get way too off topic LMFAO, I think what you're asking is what I was asking myself. I was REALLY fixated on the father-murder bit (because. Well. It is significant). But now, I almost think, I have to go further back?? Like, emotional processing-wise. Augh... but also full disclosure I AM still having A Lot of trouble pinning anything down LMFAOO

I think. To best answer your question. I think, the grief of lost childhood would have to come much later. After maybe, unpacking the reality of her situation, and fully internalizing that it (wasn't her fault? That's what I want to say, but also, I'm unsure what the trauma work response would be for a child who killed their parent in self-defense/to protect a younger child). I do know, she would have to work through her beliefs that she's irredeemable, despicable, nothing but trouble, before she can even get to the point of grieving for herself. I think, what would make this more difficult for her is her current role as a bringer of nightmares -- not only does she have this horrifying burden from her childhood, she also feels terrible about having to give mortals nightmares. Which is something current-day for her that reinforces her belief that she's a bad person, that she does nothing but cause trouble and make others suffer. (Now may be a good time to disclose I'm a bit behind on the current FBs rn LMFAO, but I do like the direction they're taking/I really believe it's overdue!!! Recontextualizing nightmares as either information that can be useful for someone to navigate in their waking hours, or maybe there's a handful of strange individuals who Want to have nightmares. For. Reasons 👍) And we haven't even GOTTEN to Peony yet!!!!!! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any which way! As I parse out the story I want to write, a huge shift in approach is tone. I think, what needs to be most present, is compassion. There's still conflict, I still really want to characterize her as somewhat antagonistic -- I think, maybe, she doesn't know how else to reach out. And I still want there to be apprehensiveness, a practicality that can be cold. But at the core, I really want there to be kindness. And I think that Was always the goal, but again! I do think I've had to change the way I've been thinking about it! 😅 Just like. Compassion! ENHANCE

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[aggirrrl]

I know nobody is going to see this, let alone bother to actually read it but i'm gonna say it anyway. Why? I don't know, but i feel like if i don't all those bottled up emotion or whatever the fuck it is will kill ke one way or another.

I don't know how to put it nicely or even say it in a way that wouldn't be a random string of already bearlt coherent thoughts so i'm gonna do the only thing i know how to do, make myself look like an idiot, here it goes.

I hate my stupid life, like actually. And i don't mean that i'm in a bad pleace rn or that i messed up something recently, i mean i hate every last little detail about my pathetic existance. Everything i have done since i remember has resulted in an annoying inconvinience at best and a possibly traumatic experience at worst and i hate it. But my influence on other people isn't the only thing to hate about me, far from it. I cannot even comprehend how someone can be such a dumb fucking fool to spend their entire life doing, trying to enjoy, talking about and acting like things they fucking hate. Maybe i got into a really good university and shit like that but honestly this means nothing to me, i am terrible at everything i am supposed to at least understand. I feel like it would be better if i never got there and people i met seem to agree.

I think that the worst thing about it isn't the fact that it's happening but the fact that it is all my fault. Everything there is to hate about me is a direct consequence of my own actions, the things i do, the way i talk to other people and treat them in general, the things i say and think, all the pain i am bringing to other people. The only thing i am not 100% responsible for is my appearance but i don't think good genetics would help me.

I know i shouldn't but sometimes i wish that there would come a day where i wouldn't be a burden and that people would my presence, or even enjoy it. I know i'm just setting my expectations way too high and making the fall even worse but mental and physical sh is the only thing i have left.

I know i'm an attention whore but that's just another reason to hate me

[colddamnvampires]

lol damn i really am fucking isolated again and i don’t see tasha til monday and i’m actually suffering dude. what the fuck do you mean shit is this torn up over decisions i made during the break up? yeah okay going back to the man i cheated on him with not the smartest move i know i know. but :( i didn’t think it would then come back around like this. i didn’t think we were going to get back together, or that we were ever going to speak again. and in coming back i didn’t even think twice about talking to him because it was NEVER that. i’m hahahahah. this shit is fucking psycho and when will be the day that i learn to just ????? idk what i need to learn honestly. i’m already mentally exhausted from this bc wdym in two weeks we’ve had three moments that were so unnecessary??? like the movie and this were so not my fault. like maybe just Maybe if business was minded we wouldn’t be here rn but ya know everything i did in the two months we were both broken up and SINGLE is such a concern to someone it dictates whats happening right here right now. that’s so fucking great i love that. i love when actions of when we weren’t even together ruin what we were building again like wow!!!! we will never escape the past when you keep us there!!!!! love it!!!!!! :))))))

might actually idk idk what i’ll do i’ve already hit my head against a wall and hit myself repeatedly and i just don’t have the desire to act on self harming but i do have an endless rage that i need to get out of my body that nothing but pain will fix. i am literally a straight teen boy on the inside bc the only thing that makes me feel better when i feel like this is punching something or breaking something like ????? lmao i need better ways to expel my emotions bc that’s not entirely healthy but i also have no way to get this bubbling uncontainable feeling out of my body. i have no way to get rid of it & i just feel it slowly seeping it out of me and i don’t know what to do. how am i back here so fast. why do i let him back in. why do i do this. why why why. i’m hurting so bad already & i’m just supposed to fight through it and keep begging and pleading and it hurts so much to fight for someone who actually hates you. he doesn’t have to say it and he can say he never could, but he does. he definitely hates me or why else would he do this.